Every Other Midnight
by Kathryn's NomDePlume
Summary: Professor Potter and Head Girl Lily Evans... The Dark Decline
1. In Which Mercury is Found

_**Ch 1: In Which Mercury is Found**_

"I want 16 inches on the principle of nonverbal defensive spells. After you turn it in a week from today we will have a practical exam. You are seventh-years; I won't go easy on you so please practice and prepare yourselves." A mixture of groans, exasperated sighs, frightened gasps, and excited chatter broke out after Professor Potter made this announcement.

"Classes starting next week," he continued hurriedly, "should you choose to come will be preparation for the practical exam next Thursday. Attendance is not obligatory but it is recommended. However, if you do choose to come, you may find that writing the paper first will help you with the exercise. Understanding the theory to perfect the practice. May I remind you that this topic is worth 20 of your final marks. Here is a signup sheet," he said as he magicked a timetable onto the desk in front of him. "If you want to take the opportunity of practicing with me one on one before your exam, sign up for a time on this schedule. If you would like to sign up for more than one 20 minute session you may do so after everyone has had the chance to put his or her name down. Please make an orderly queue... class is almost over and I want to get out of here as soon as possible."

He tapped his quill impatiently, blotting the page in front of him with wild splashes of ink as all the students filed toward the desk to add their names. Everyone in Advanced Defence Against the Dark Arts was serious about the subject, and also serious about passing. This was the first of three promised practical exams before the final. The final was worth 40, and each of these three practicals and accompanying papers were worth 20. That kind of percentage demanded attention. Professor didn't assign busy work or small assignments worth 1 each. He wanted his students to delve into topics and go as deeply as they could.

The moment his last student had left after signing his name a second time, James grabbed his bag, already packed and ready, snatched up the timetable and hurried out of the classroom. He had received the owl about an hour ago in the middle of class and he was anxious to get down there. His pace didn't slow as he marched right out of the castle doors and onto the grounds towards the small hut that belonged to Hagrid, the half giant of a gamekeeper at Hogwarts.

"Sorry Hagrid," James said as soon as he walked in, loosening his tie and pulling it over his head as he spoke. "I came as soon as I could."

"No, s'all right. I've been gettin' things ready." He lifted up a bucket from the ground, the contents of which James couldn't see but could guess well enough. He noticed that on the table was a half eaten cake and torn up packaging.

"What's the cake for?"

"Celebratin'. Found it while takin' a walk in the forest..."

"You left it alone?" James asked incredulously.

"O'course not," Hagrid said shiftily, then added, "Someone is there with it. Ready there Potter?"

"Yes. Who's there? Are you sure they will be alright on their own in the forest?" James asked, placing his recently removed collared shirt on Hagrid's all-purpose table.

"She's fine. I haven' been gone long, and it's not so far..." he said slightly guiltily. James didn't ask again who it was. Hagrid hadn't answered, which meant it was probably a student. By the time James learned who it was, he would be too preoccupied with their task to tell Hagrid off for endangering one of his pupils.

That was the thing with Hagrid; if a student showed an interest in magical creatures, he was more than willing to show them, as he had done with James when he was a student at Hogwarts himself not too long ago. But while Hagrid was perfectly fine on his own in the Forbidden Forest, underage witches and wizards were not, a fact James wished Hagrid would remember.

James quickened his pace to a jog just to keep up with Hagrid's long purposeful strides. When Hagrid wanted to cover ground, he could cover ground. Luckily James was in top shape, having trained in his youth for Quidditch, and even after he left Hogwarts, on local teams, and of course that Auror training had helped too. It was a good thing the Ministry had been looking to position an Auror at the school, because he didn't think he could have refused Dumbledore's request that he teach at Hogwarts. In fact, come to think of it, he didn't think he could refuse Dumbledore anything the wizard would condescend to ask for.

"Nearly there," Came Hagrid's whisper, or what he _thought_ was a whisper. Though quiet for Hagrid's usual booming voice, Hagrid's whispers carried farther than most peoples' normal speaking voices.

"Hagrid," came the soft tone of a young woman. "Hagrid, here. Quickly," she said softly, so as not to disturb the beautiful but wounded infant in her lap.

"Wow..." James said. Unicorns were rare to be sure, but not all that rare. Olivander managed to find several to make his wands, but still, this was the first time James had seen one so young. They were usually so carefully guarded by their parents. One usually doesn't see one until they are fully grown.

"'Ere, you take it to 'er. They prefer women, but one of us has to go and I think it'd' rather 'ave you than me," Hagrid said to James.

Without saying anything James took the bucket of supplies from Hagrid and made his way slowly and carefully to where Lily Evans was cradling the poor wounded creature, humming soothingly to it. He took out a large and immaculate sponge and handed it cautiously to her. The babe was startled by James but didn't try to escape Lily's comforting embrace. She gently sponged up some of the unicorn's precious blood, which was purer and more potent than that of an adult's. Her own robes were soaked in the silvery liquid. When she had soaked up as much as she could she handed it back.

"Here, Professor." He took it and carefully squeezed the contents into a container that had been brought for the purpose. He handed it back to her again and she repeated the process, cleaning the wound as best she could, humming comfortingly all the while.

Once the blood was out of the way James whispered healing spells for her to use. She continued humming to it as she performed each one perfectly with an equally flawless nonverbal technique.  
James was glad that out of all of the Hogwarts students Hagrid could have involved in this, it was clever, mature, competent, Head Girl Lily Evans.

'So this is why she wasn't in class today,' James thought to himself. He didn't take attendance, but when you have eye-catching red hair and sit in the front row in the same place every class, your absence is rather conspicuous.

"What will happen to it Hagrid? We can't leave it on its own," Lily said, sounding as if she were about to cry.

"Course we won't leave it on its own. The poor thing wouldn't stand a chance without its parents."

"You know for sure the parents are dead?" James asked.

"Found'em abou' 10 minutes after I sent yer owl," Hagrid replied. "Killed by wizards, no mistakin' it. Stuck them both like a pig and let'em bleed till they eventually died." Hagrid sniffed sadly.

"That... doesn't sound good," James said, unhappy about this new information. A student probably wouldn't be able to catch a unicorn, a teacher would never dream of such a thing, which only left one unhappy option. Dark wizards prowling in the Forbidden Forest of Hogwarts.

The rise of the dark lord was a continually growing concern for the entire magical community. The parents of Muggle-borns were pulling their children out of school, as well as those of non Muggle-borns. He had heard that a few students had even lost family members, killed by Death Eaters. However the majority of parents still thought that the safest place for their children was at Hogwarts, under the protection of Dumbledore and his mighty staff.  
But if his conclusion was correct, they had penetrated as far as the Forbidden Forest (a distance, he was sure, that would be too close for comfort for most.)

It was as if Evans had read his mind.

"You have to tell Dumbledore, Hagrid. He ought to know dark wizards are about in the forest."

"Right."

"The sooner the better, I think," She added.

"I agree," James seconded. "Do you want to go or should I? We can't leave Evans alone."

"Right, I'll go. I'll be faster."

"Should we relocate it somewhere?" Asked the Head Girl. She sounded a bit uneasy about lingering in the forest when she knew evil Muggle-born haters were lurking about.

"The pen behind me house is empty for now, I let my last Ashwinder free a few days ago." Hagrid said, sounding unhappy about that too.

"Meet us there, then," James said.

Hagrid set off at a trot. As mentioned before, when Hagrid wanted to move, he moved rather quickly.

"Ok little one, we are getting up now." She wrapped the thing in her arms and moved her legs underneath her to stand, which was difficult to do with no hands and the extra weight.

Careful not to startle the infant, he took Lily's elbow to steady her and help her up.

"Thank you Professor."

He nodded back at her. A twig snapped behind them and they both started. There was nothing there.

"I feel a bit vulnerable, I can't use my wand while I'm holding him."

"You are safe with me Miss Evans."

"I have complete confidence in your abilities, Professor, I do, but I'd still like to be able to protect myself. Surely you understand that."

"I do." Even if Sirius were with him and had his back, he would still feel better having his own wand in his hand.

They walked back to Hagrid's hut and Lily sat down in the middle of the small penned area, crawling with weeds and, Lily was surprised to see, sunflowers, or at least they looked like sunflowers. You never know in the magical world...

"What did I miss in class today, Professor?" Lily asked, once comfortably settled.

"Non-verbal defensive spell review. You have a 16 inch essay due Thursday as well as the practical exam."

"Is there anything due before then?"

"No, this week is scheduled to be one on one practice with me. Everyone signed up for times at the end of class. But it doesn't look as if you need the practice. Your spell work was impressive back there, Miss Evans."

"That was healing, completely different from defence. It's easier to concentrate on nonverbal spell casting when you aren't worried about incoming curses. I tend to panic. May I sign up for a time to practice?"

"Let me get the schedule," James replied. He retrieved his bag that he had so unceremoniously flung onto the floor and returned to Miss Evans outside. His eyebrows furrowed as he inspected it.

"What's wrong?"

"It looks as if it is already filled."

"You didn't allot enough for everyone?"

"No, some people signed up for more than one time. It's a difficult concept and some people wanted all the extra help they could get."

"I don't blame them," Lily pouted. "That's what I get for skipping class I suppose. And I'm Head Girl as well..." she added, chuckling slightly. "I was out with Hagrid on one of our walks when we found him. I couldn't leave him, I just couldn't..." She explained, holding the baby unicorn closer to her, stroking its back.

"Well, if you really think you need extra help, we can schedule a time later in the evening."

"You wouldn't mind?"

"I would never deny a student who wants to improve themselves that opportunity."

"Thank you, Professor."

"Are you free after dinner today? We would be practicing in the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom..."

"I have detention."

"**You** have _detention_?"

"I got caught putting Dungbombs in Filches detention file cabinet after I had _edited_ some of his records..."

James just looked at her incredulously and she burst out laughing, her laugh being just as musical and delightful to listen to as her humming had been.

"I'm kidding, Professor." James shook himself.

"Oh. Of course, you wouldn't get detention."

"Of course not. Because I would _never_ get caught. You were quite the mischief maker in your day I noticed, Professor." She smiled mischievously and James was confused anew. "And thank you, I will take you up on that offer for extra help this evening."

James decided not to continue on the subject of Lily Evan's pranking, but he did make a mental note to ask Filch about those file cabinets.

Hagrid came back moments later with Professor Dumbledore.

Both taken aback, Lily and James said at the same time and in the same surprised tone, "Good evening Professor Dumbledore."

This caused Dumbledore's eyes to twinkle behind those half moon spectacles.

"Good evening Miss Evans, Professor Potter. A pleasure to see you both."

"The pleasure is mine as well, Professor," Lily said, nodding to Dumbledore, unable to get up for the young beast in her lap.

"So have you thought of a name for it, Miss Evans?"

"Oh... no. I... haven't."

"Why not think of a name while Hagrid, Professor Potter and I have a drink. You don't mind, do you Miss Evans?"

"Certainly not Professor." She smiled ingenuously. "Please enjoy yourselves."

"I'll get it, Professor Dumbledore," Hagrid offered enthusiastically. He went inside, and came out later with three enormous cups, containing equally large portions of brandy it seemed, and one large bottle. Hagrid handed the glasses to James and Dumbledore; James, looking a bit daunted by the size of the serving, and Dumbledore not seeming troubled in the slightest. Lily who was given the bottle immediately began feeding the young animal.

"So how about that name, Miss Evans?" Dumbledore politely enquired.

"I thought, perhaps, Mercury," she replied unsure and slightly embarrassed.

"An excellent choice." Dumbledore said. "To Mercury."

They all raised their classes and toasted the surviving unicorn.

"Mercury. A nice name. Is there an astrological reason for it?" Hagrid asked.

"Or perhaps you are a fan of Greek mythology?" James enquired.

"Actually, it was the blood. It reminds me of liquid mercury," she replied.

Dumbledore seemed to be the only one who understood her; Hagrid and James simply looked confused. Lily was a Muggle-born and had been given a non magical education. Hagrid and James had obviously never studied science, and Dumbledore, Lily just assumed, knew everything magical or not.

"Mercury, the element," she explained. "It expands when its temperature increases, so Muggles capture small amounts and put them into small glass tubes to use as thermometers. THER-MO-ME-TER," she said carefully.

"Ther-mo-me-ter," Hagrid and James repeated.

"Yes."

"What do thermometers do?" James asked.

"They measure temperature. Muggles use them to tell if when they have fevers. If you have a fever, the mercury in the thermometer will expand, and by how much it expands, we can determine how high the fever is, or exactly how hot it is outside, or the temperature of anything, really."

"Fascinating," said James.

"Yes, Muggles surpass wizards in several ways..." Dumbledore said pleasantly, drinking happily from his enormous glass. Wanting to keep up with Dumbledore (if not Hagrid) James took another swallow of his drink.

Mercury began coughing up bits of the formula Lily was feeding it.

"Is it alright?" James asked.

"It's fine, just got too carried away. Didn't you? Yes you did. Take your time Mercury, you don't need to rush." She began singing again. When she had finished the short lullaby Dumbledore applauded and Hagrid joined in for one or two claps but his great big hands caused too loud of a sound for the little one so he stopped. James took another drink.

"You have a lovely voice Miss Evans," Dumbledore commented, not really as if he were complimenting Lily but simply pointing out the fact.

"Yeah, yeh do," Hagrid added. James agreed as well but didn't see any reason to voice something that had already been stated twice.

Evans blushed becomingly. "Where will it stay Hagrid? Will it be safe here? From what Professor Flipperby says..."

"I think it will be alright so long as we put the appropriate protective spells around the area," Professor Potter suggested.

"And... can I come and visit him Hagrid?"

"Yeh'll have ter. I doubt it will allow itself to be fed by anyone but you now, Lily."  
This both pleased Lily and saddened her.

"So breakfast lunch and dinner?" Lily asked uncertainly.

"Course!" said Hagrid.

Lily thought that it would probably cramp her own eating schedule, but it needed to be done. This was just another thing to add to her list of responsibilities. But she was perfectly capable of that. There was a reason she was Head Girl.

"Every Dawn, Dusk, and Midnight."

"What?" Lily and James said in unison for the second time that evening.

"Tha's when they eat," Hagrid explained simply.

Lily looked up. Sure enough, it was dusk. She sighed. It looked as if this would interrupt her sleeping schedule too. But at least it wouldn't interfere with her patrols or Head Girl duties, those generally took place after dinner, starting from 8 on, dusk at this time of year was earlier, around 6-7, during dinner. Same with dawn, only for breakfast... Lily vaguely wondered when she would get to eat.

"Alright," she said agreeably.

"Hagrid, surely Miss Evans can't be wandering around the ground at those times, especially in the middle of the night and especially since... well... why do you think Mercury was orphaned in the first place. It's not safe for a student to be out at those times by herself." James said firmly.

"Miss Evans will not go alone," Dumbledore interjected. "You and Hagrid can take turns escorting her."

"Professor, surely at dawn and dusk I would be alright on my own."

"Not near the forest, tha's when most predators hunt," Hagrid said, not warningly, but excitedly.

"Very true," Dumbledore allowed. "So the next meal will be tonight at midnight, Professor, you may pick up Miss Evans from the Head room unless... you aren't patrolling tonight are you?"

"No, sir."

"Yes, so you will pick up Miss Evan's from the Head room, I trust you remember where they are, and tomorrow morning at dawn, Hagrid, you can meet her by the castle doors, then it will be Professor Potter's turn that evening, then Hagrid at midnight. Hagrid said it would be about a month before he's grown enough... Does that suit everyone?"

"Yes Professor Dumbledore," Came Lily's, James's and Hagrid's replies.

"Good. Now that we have that settled we may move on to the topic I came here to discuss." His voice turned graver, and his face was solemn.

"Um, should I... go?" Lily asked, not sure if she was supposed to be a part of this important conversation between the three men.

"You are Head Girl, Miss Evans, and it is part of your duty to help protect your fellow students. You may stay."

"What do we do Professor? Inform the students' parents?" James asked.

"Do you think that wise Professor Potter?"

"I think that the parents have a right to know that dark wizards are on Hogwarts grounds..."

"And Miss Evans, what do you think?"

"With all due respect to you, Professor Potter, I don't think we should, not yet. If they only came in to get unicorn blood for whatever dark reason and not to harm the students of Hogwarts, I see no reason to alarm the parents and make them more afraid than they already are, especially if the fear is unfounded. We don't know that they mean Hogwarts any harm yet and I... I wouldn't want to put my parents through that... Parents might take their children out of Hogwarts, which could be counterproductive. Hogwarts is just about as safe a place as there is, right? With Professor Dumbledore, and people like you and Hagrid... parents might pluck them out of a safe haven and put them in a more dangerous position. I mean, it would be the half bloods and Muggle-borns that would be tempted to leave, right? And they are the ones who would be at most risk in their own homes, having only one or no magical parents to protect them. I think telling them now would be... premature," she finished, finally. "Sorry, Professor," she added as an afterthought.

"No, you make a good point," Potter allowed.

"I am tempted to agree with Miss Evans, however, I will hold a meeting with the heads of houses and gmore opinions."

"But in the end it's yer decision, Professor Dumbledore," said Hagrid loyally. "Everyone trusts yer judgment."

"Thank you Hagrid, for that vote of confidence, but we must all remember to think for ourselves, and that it is wise to question authority, even mine. No one is infallible..."

"But I think Dumbledore is pretty damned close," Lily whispered to James.

Dumbledore smiled at her, and she wasn't sure if he had heard her or not, nor did she care. She admired Dumbledore more than she did any other wizard and she was not ashamed to admit it. She pulled out her wand somewhat awkwardly from inside her robes and transfigured the weeds into a nice pallet of straw, and placed Mercury therein. She lay down in the hay behind him and stroked him until he fell asleep. She didn't move once he had, she just turned onto her back and looked at the stars that were beginning to peak out of the darkening sky. She calculated the constellations and smirked to herself, knowing that she no longer had to take astronomy and was therefore not obliged to do anything with the stars but gaze at them.

The conversation changed to lighter, happier topics, such as the days James was in Hogwarts. Lily didn't participate in the conversation but she listened contentedly as she made a few predictions by the stars. Lily didn't hold much by divination; it was more of a little hobby of hers, equivalent to reading horoscopes in Muggle magazines. They were fun to look through and interesting when they came true, but not to be taken seriously.

"I may have broken a rule or two in my earlier days but I turned out alright," James said in artificial defence to a joking remark Hagrid had made. Lily thought that James was rather proud of his record. He had more detentions than any other student in the history of Hogwarts. He had a whole drawer to himself, his friend Sirius Black and occasionally Remus Lupin appeared in there as well.

"Dunno anyone who pulled more pranks than yeh lot." Hagrid said reminiscently.

"We haven't seemed to have had any serious pranksters since you left, although Mr. Filch did complain that someone put dung bombs in his file cabinet only to draw attention to the fact that all the detention files had been altered. Instead of what the student did and what punishment they received, they graded each case. People who were out after curfew were given 3 for creativity, but 6 for daring. Couples found in broom cupboards were given 1 for class, but 8 for "amusement factor"... quite amusing. Not only that but the charm work was quite well done. Every time one pulled out a file, it sang out the name and ranking. We can't even find a way to reverse it and return to records to how they were... I do believe that you had the highest average ranking, Professor Potter," Dumbledore said to James. James fought the urge to look at Lily and fought and failed to keep from smiling.

"I'm honoured," he said in a tone of voice that he hoped sounded like he was addressing no one in particular.

"How would you punish the student who did this, Professor Potter?" Dumbledore asked.

"How would you?"

"Ah, I would let his or her head of house decide."

"I suppose I would too."

"And what if you were the head of house?"

"I... would... make them... write lines?" It was more of a question than an answer. He felt as if Dumbledore was testing him, and although in his heart he loved a good prank, he knew he had to be a responsible Professor. Letting them off with lines seemed only fair.

"What would those lines be?"

"Dung bombs rule," said James before he could stop himself. Lily snorted with laughter and Dumbledore gave him a not entirely sincere scowl of disapproval. "But of course I was joking Professor; you know how I hate dung bombs..." he said fooling absolutely no one. "I would have the student help with me with my Defence Against the Dark Arts class experiments preparation."

"And why is that?"

"Well, the way I see it is that pranksters only pull pranks because they are clever people without sufficient outlet for their creative magical aptitude. I get an assistant to help me prepare for class, and they get to do something productive rather than write lines or clean cauldrons. I think it would teach them to use their magical creativity in other more beneficial ways. I know what it's like to be gifted magically and want to show it off a bit."

Lily kept staring resolutely at the stars, absentmindedly stroking Mercury. It would be very amusing to help with the DADA set ups. She wondered if Professor Potter would actually give that detention to her since he already knew that she was the prankster in question.

"You have an excellent understanding of students, Professor. That's why I hired you. That and of course you are a singularly gifted wizard."

"Why thank you, Professor."

Dumbledore had somehow managed to finish his drink before James or even Hagrid had. When he stood to go, Lily stood as well. "Would you mind if I went with you Professor? I have plans this evening and I think I should probably wash myself of all this blood first."

"Yet another wise decision, Miss Evans."

She and Professor Dumbledore headed back to the castle leaving James and Hagrid to finish their drinks in Mercury's enclosure.

"Lily really is the best witch o' her year," said Hagrid.

"She got more OWLs than everyone else," James conceded. The same number _he_ had got when he was her age...

"Not just tha', but she's so nice ter ev'ryone. So willing ter help at any moment. She comes and walks with me every day, helps me feed me pets. We can relate to each other."

James forbore to ask him about these pets.

"That's probably why Dumbledore chose her for Head Girl. What do you mean, you relate to each other?"

"Was a bit surprised actually, when Professor Dumbledore made her Head Girl after all. Thought he might've given it ter someone else after her parents died in'er fifth year."

"Did they?" James had never known this.

"Yeah, killed by You-Know-Who's lot. She just managed ter save her sister by using underage magic. Side along Apparition right into Hogsmeade and she went straight to Dumbledore... Strong girl, so brave. An orphan like me. That's how we relate to each other, that and our love for animals..."

"I had no idea..." James said, gobsmacked.

"No, I 'spect not. She doesn't talk about it much. Doesn't want to dwell on the past, but I know that she's still sad abou' it, 'specially since her sister left her. Blamed Lily for their parents' death and froze her out of her life. Lost her parents and sister at the same time."

"Where did she go for holidays?"

"Stayed at Hogwarts for Christmas and Easter. Worked at the Leaky Cauldron over these last two summers, stayed there in one o' the rooms. She did come ter visit me 'ere at Hogwarts most weekends though..." He sniffed and James saw a tear slip down Hagrid's cheek. "Lily's been really good ter me."

"I didn't know you and Lily were so close." James realised this had been the first time he had used her first name, and realised what a lovely name it was.

"Yeh, she's been coming round ter see me every day since she was a first year... Yeh were a seventh year then."

"I'm surprised we never met. I was over at your place all the time 7th year, hiding out from enemies or ex girlfriends, and other things."

"She always slipped out the back way whenever yeh came. I told her to stay, but she said there'd be very little a 7th year'd want to discuss with a first year, an' she always left."

"Hmm..." James said, nodding his head.

His head... it felt... wobbly, dizzy, somehow, lighter, slightly... not attached. Strange, he thought, but then looked at his empty cup. How much brandy had he had? "Well Hagrid, Lily and I will be back at midnight, if you go to bed before then, leave the bottle outside by the back door."

"Right, right," he said, still rubbing the tears from his eyes.

"There there, Hagrid." James said, patting him on the shoulder.

"I just want her ter be happy..." Hagrid said. "She's always so alone."

"She had you Hagrid. And she has loads of friends, she's surrounded by admirers all the time! She's always smiling," James said, trying to comfort the poor half giant.

"But she has no one who loves her anymore... she has no family... so young an' so alone... just like lil' Mercury..." He broke down into a fresh fit of hysterical sobbing. "She cried one night after her parents died when she was 'ere wi' me. Said I'm th'only one who cares abou' her anymore... an'... an'..."

"Hagrid, stop. She'll be alright. She is a strong girl, she'll make it."

"I know, but seeing her try so hard, being so brave, it's jus' so beautiful an' sad..." He sniffed, but thankfully the tears had stopped. Taking the risk of starting the tears again James said, "She is very lucky to have a friend like you Hagrid."

"And Mercury's lucky ter have a mother like her..."

James left Hagrid's place, stumbling a bit as he made his way back to the castle. He wanted some food to put into his stomach, to lessen the effect of the alcohol but dinner would be over by now. He was reaching out to tickle the pear to get him into the kitchens when he remembered that he was supposed to do that extra lesson with Lily tonight so he turned and hurried in the opposite direction.

Because he was running faster than he should have (one shouldn't run in the hallways at all) and he was slightly intoxicated, he tripped and fell, scraping his chin and the palms of his hands during a hasty ascent up the stairs.

"Damned moving staircases," he said, unaware that it was his head that was spinning, not the staircase.


	2. Rictasempra

Lily was already in the room waiting when he arrived. She had been standing at the window, looking out and singing a lonely little tune to herself but she stopped suddenly when she saw he had arrived. He wished she hadn't.

"Sorry."

"For what?"

"Oh, erm, nothing," she said, pulling out her wand with much more confidence than she had spoken. She advanced on him wand out, en guard, at the ready.

James shook his head and pulled out his own wand, which somehow slipped right out of his hands. Lily bent down and picked it up. She eyed him, noticing the scrape on his chin.

"Why Professor, what have you done to yourself?" she said, although she had a pretty good idea. Those glasses Hagrid had handed out were ridiculously oversized, just like their owner himself was. "Hold still, I'll fix it."

He held out his hands as well, so she could fix them too. Using nonverbal spells again, she fixed the scrape on his chin, and relieved some of his drunkenness... now he would be only slightly buzzed, she thought.

"Better?" she asked.

"Much, thank..." He stopped. He didn't feel drunk any more, well, not quite as much. She hadn't spoken the spell so he didn't know which one she used. Had she...?

"So how does this lesson go? Do you attack me and I try to defend myself nonverbally?"

"Yes, that is the general idea. We will start out with simple spells, like expeliarmus. The jinxes will progress as you do."

"Alright."

"Do you have any questions?"

"Yes, are you going to be attacking nonverbally as well? Or will you give us a bit of warning."

"We will start out with my saying them aloud. Then we will see how you do from there."

"Ok, I am ready. Hit me with your least difficult shot."

"Somehow that doesn't have the same ring to it."

"Yes I know, I thought about saying "Hit me with your best shot," but I didn't want you to take me seriously and end up sending me to the hospital wing."

"I see."

"Ok, I truly am ready this time," she said, and she looked it too.

As he had said, he started out with easy ones, which she easily blocked. They moved on to intermediate level curses and jinxes. She blocked them easily too. She visibly shrank when he told her they were moving on to advanced, dangerous curses.

"Ready?" he asked.

She didn't answer. He asked again, and she gave a little squeak of a yes.

"We don't have to go that far today if you don't want to," he said, feeling slightly guilty that he had frightened the poor girl, but then he told himself he would have to get used to it. If Lily Evans was a bit intimidated, the rest of the class certainly would be.

"No I want to. It won't be any less terrifying next time. Might as well do it now while I'm warmed up. Just..."

"What?"

"Nothing, never mind."

"No tell me, what is it? What were you going to say?"

"I was about to make a silly request that would defeat the purpose of the exercise..."  
James waited for her to finish.

"I was going to say, just... don't hurt me."

Of course he didn't want to hurt her, but he had to throw some difficult curses at her, for the sake of education.

"Whether you get hurt is up to you," he said instead. Did that sound as cold to her as it did to him?

"I'm ready," she said stonily, resolved and resolute.

The first one he fired at her she blocked, but accidentally shouted the counted curse, instead of performing the spell silently. She banged her hand on her head.

"No, it's ok," James told her.

"How much would you take off for that in the exam?"

"Don't worry about that now. Ok, same one again."

This time she managed to block it without uttering a sound.

"Very good Miss Evans, very good." If everyone in the class did as well as she did he would be the happiest teacher in Hogwarts. But so much relies on the individual, not the teacher. But he had a very good class, very determined, mostly Gryffindors and a few of the other houses.

"Ok, this is going to be the last one, and the hardest one. If you can get through this, you are set... Are you ready?"

"Yes," she breathed, barely more than a whisper. He sighed on the inside. He really didn't want to do this to her or anyone, but he had to, he told himself.

He threw the last curse at her. His eyes were locked on hers and he saw the terror in them, and then everything went black.

x

"Professor! Professor! Please Potter wake up..."

"Evans?" he said groggily, unsure of what was going on. His head ached as if he had a hangover.

"Oh thank Merlin! I was afraid I'd... oh thank Merlin!" she said, giving him a sort of hug. It was only sort of a hug because he was lying flat on his back, so she couldn't really put her arms around him, but she did put her head on his chest and gave his shoulders a squeeze.

He sat up and readjusted his glasses. "What happened?"

"I... don't rightly know. You, fired that last curse at me and I panicked."

"Panicked? What counter curse did you use?"

"That's just it, I don't know. I think I made it up. My mind completely blanked and all I could think of was just I didn't want it to touch me. Your curse bounced away somewhere as you flew across the room and landed here. I'm so sorry Professor I didn't mean to," she apologised. He noticed that a single tear was running down her cheeks. He fought the impulse to wipe it away.

"I'm fine. Accidental magic is a perfectly natural thing. It happens to loads of witches and wizards."

"Yes, when they are 8! I thought I had gotten past that. I thought I had gained control," she said sounding embarrassed and upset, as if accidental magic was the magical equivalent of bed wetting.

"Not all accidental magic is bad. It's alright not to have control sometimes. Imagine if I were a death eater and had just shot an even worse curse at you. That kind of accidental magic would be very convenient. It was non verbal, and very effective. If that were the exam I would be forced to give you full marks," he said, trying to cheer her.

"No demerits for knocking the teacher unconscious?" she asked, her mouth finally twitching up into a grin.

"Maybe a detention, but it wouldn't affect your grade."

She laughed.

"Do you want to try that last one another time?"

"Yeah, I'll try."

This time she succeeded quite deftly, with no problems whatsoever.

"Very good, Miss Evans. Now of course you aren't going to know ahead of time what curses they are going to use..."

"Are you going to attack silently now?"

"No, not yet, I am simply going to mix them up, not go in order this time... Ready?"

"Yes," she said determinately.

She blocked them all easily, even the most dangerous one.

"Do you think you are ready for non verbal attack?"

"If you think I am ready I'll do it."

"I think you can."

"Alright then. Let me have it."

It was interesting to watch how her method changed when he attacked using this approach. She didn't look in his eyes, but at his wand, marking every movement. He knew that Lily was excellent at charm work, and wand movements and wrist flicking. She could tell his attack by way he moved his wand. In fact, he thought she might even be better this way. Deciding he would test her with one he hadn't used before.

This time he was ready for any "accidental magic use" and when he saw that blank frightened look in her eyes again, he immediately cast a shield about him. Sure enough his light jinx bounced off of her and something came roaring upon him. It was so powerful that even with his shield charm he was thrown back, but at least this time he was still conscious.

"I'm sorry I didn't it again. I'm glad you are not hurt."

"Me too."

"What was that last jinx? It looked familiar but I couldn't place it..."

"Rictasempra," he said, while simultaneously casting the jinx on her. She doubled over in a fit of glorious laughter. Then a moment later she abruptly stopped and glared at him.

"How did you do that?" he asked, amazed she had some how cast it off herself.

"Well, I figured one can use nonverbal defence, why not counter curses... couldn't actually speak now could I? I had no choice but to nonverbally remove it."

"Very clever."

"Not really."

"No, I suppose not... not really. But it was the first time I've seen that done. I remember in 6th year I put that curse on Sirius to wake him up one morning, he was laughing his ars.. I mean he was laughing really hard for half an hour. Oh but he was fuming mad with me after. He actually had to go to Madam Pomfrey because the stitches were so bad. I think he actually pulled a few muscles."

"You didn't take it off for half an hour?!"

"Actually it was Remus who did. He came back from breakfast and took pity on him. Ah that was a good morning," he said with a sigh of contentment at this apparently pleasant memory.

"I bet Sirius got you back though."

"He most certainly did..."

"Are you going to tell me?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"You are too young."

"Surely not any younger than you and Sirius were at the time..."

He considered this, accepted that it was true, but still wouldn't tell her. "That... is... beside the point."

"That painful of a memory?"

"It's that inappropriate of a memory. I couldn't in good conscious share it with a student."

"Oh... it's one of those stories..."

"What do you mean?"

"I think you know what I mean."

"Explain."

"I certainly will not. I couldn't very well talk about such an inappropriate subject with a teacher."

"You might be thinking something worse than it is."

"I might be, but there is no way of knowing unless you tell me."

"Or you tell me."

"I will not."

"Neither will I."

"So it seems that we are at an impasse."

"It appears so, yes."

"I don't mind. I'm no worse off for assuming something that may or may not be true about you. It's only your own conscious and your own pride at stake."

"How is my pride at stake?"

"If you knew the embarrassing scenario I have in my head..."

"Tell me!"

"No. I'd rather keep it to myself, it's more humorous that way." And at that she burst out laughing.

"What, why are you laughing?"

"I was just... imagining you..." but she didn't finish, because she was laughing so hard.

"It wasn't anything like that!" he said scandalized.

"It wasn't?"

"Well it didn't involve..."

"Involve what?"

"It wasn't funny..."

"Well, maybe not for you, but I bet Sirius found it amusing."

"You know what? We should just change the topic."

"Very well, so, how do you feel about... Rictasempra!"

It was James's turn. He was rolling around on the floor laughing wildly. In between gasps for breath he said, "Take... it... off!"

"Take it off yourself!"

"I... can't... Evans... please..." He was roaring with laughter, and tears were streaming down his face. She took pity on him and removed it.

Panting he rose to his feet. "I didn't know how difficult that would be. I really couldn't remove it myself."

"You just need to focus harder."

"I couldn't! I was too busy laughing."

"So was I."

"How did you manage?"

"I... I'm not sure. Try it again, I want to see if I can throw it off this time, now that I'm in a better mood it might be harder to stop laughing."

"Rictasempra."

Lily burst out laughing yet again, but like the last time, she pointed her wand at herself as she laughed, and removed it.

"Hmm... I just think it and I stop."

"Can we try something?"

"What?"

"I want to see if you can do it without a wand."

"What?"

"Wandless magic. I want to see if you can do it."

"You think I can?"

"I think you might. Hand me your wand." She did so, reluctantly, thinking this might just be a ploy of his to get her without a wand.

"Alright, but Professor or not, if you leave me laughing for anywhere even close to 30 minutes, the payback will be so severe it will put Sirius's revenge to shame..."

James gulped. He thought had occurred to him the moment she had given him her wand... but perhaps he had better not.

"RICTASEMPRA!"

Shrieks of laughter filled the air. Lily laughed so hard she felt like she was going to die from lack of oxygen.

"Stop it! Please!" she manage to spew out.

"You stop it. Think! Concentrate! Take it off yourself!"

She screamed with laughter, tears fell down her face as she fell down to the floor.

"You can do it. Come on. Take it off yourself," he coached.

"Potter! Miss Evans!" came the shocked, sharp voice of Professor McGonagall. "What is going on here!"  
Lily stopped laughing. She lay there on the ground for a moment, catching her breath then got to her feet and wiped away the tears that covered her cheeks.

"Miss Evans, are you alright? What happened?

"Professor Potter, did you do that or did I?"

"I certainly didn't do it, so it must have been you."

"Somebody please explain what is going on here!" Professor McGonagall demanded once again.

"I did it Professor!" Lily explained excitedly to McGonagall. "Wandless, wordless magic! Professor Potter and I were having a training session in nonverbal defensive spells. I managed to take Rictasempra off of myself nonverbally. Then Professor Potter suggested I try it without a wand. It was a lot harder, and it took longer, but I did it!"

"That... is... very... quite special indeed," she said. She had started that statement as if she were going to scold her, but after the meaning sunk in she was duly impressed.

"And that's not all she's done, Professor McGonnagal," Potter interjected. "She has some sort of protective shield charm of her own invention that she can't help but use when she is panicked. I've seen it twice. The first time it knocked me unconscious, the second time I produced my own shield charm, but her own self created spell blasted it away. It was really quite remarkable. I think it's not exactly the "accidental magic" exactly, but more of a self preservation spell that she uses automatically. I'd like to speak to Dumbledore about this."

"Very well Potter, I mean, Professor Potter. I suppose since there is nothing wrong here I will go myself. In the future, please try to keep the volume down," she said turning around to leave.

"Sorry Professor, it won't happen again," Lily apologised.

"Yes, well... Goodnight Miss Evans."

She left. James looked at his watch. "Well, that's all for today Evans. You seem to have a really firm grip on this concept and I am confident that you are well prepared for next Thursday's practical."

"Thank you Professor, but..."

"Yes?"

"Well, I was wondering if I could continue private lessons with you. You helped me do wandless magic today. I would really appreciate further guidance..."

"I'm no specialist on wandless magic, but I will tell Dumbledore. Maybe he will know someone better fit to coach you in this. Who knows, maybe Dumbledore himself might."

"Oh..."

Was that a tone of disappointment? Or had he just imagined it...

x

That evening in Dumbledore's office, James explained everything.

"It seems that Miss Evans has a special gift," the headmaster stated amusedly.

"Yes, and she is keen on honing it. Professor, could you tutor her? She is a really clever girl and I think she could benefit most by having you help her with this. And I wouldn't easily say this but I think she would be a worthy pupil for you."

"You do not wish to continue teaching her yourself?"

"Surely you are better fit. I mean, I've seen you do wandless magic before. I can't do it, so how would I teach her?"

"You managed to this evening, didn't you? It was you who suggested the idea, you who coached it out of her."

"Yes, but you know more about it. Surely you would be able to explain things better."

"There is nothing to explain. Wandless magic is simply doing magic without a wand. There is no special trick to it, you just do it. It is something that changes from individual to individual. What may work for one, may not for another. Miss Evans just needs to find her own method. And you would be as good a tutor as anyone else. She needs encouragement and assistance, two things I'm sure Professor, you are capable of giving."

"Sir, I'm getting the impression that you want me to tutor her."

"I do."

"Why? Why me? Why not someone else?"

"Do you not want to?"

"I was just wondering, Professor, if there was any reason in particular that it should be _me_, as opposed to one of the other Professors."

"Well James," Dumbledore began, "You have a gift to understand students. You have a way of making them work hard because they want to. You motivate them. That is a magical quality in a teacher... And I think Miss Evans would be more comfortable, and could progress farther with a young enthusiastic person cheering her on. But if you'd rather not, I will ask Professor Slughorn. I'm sure he would be glad to help."

"Slughorn?" James spat. "What can he do? He knows ingredients, not gut intuition and spell theory."

"So then you will accept to tutor Miss Evans?"

"I... suppose I will."

"Why the resistance?"

"I don't want to let her down. She has so much potential..."

"I have faith in you James."

"Thank you, Professor."

"And speaking of helping Miss Evans, you are due at her common room in 20 or so minutes."

"Yes sir." James rose from his chair. "Goodnight Professor."

Dumbledore gave him a nod and a mysterious smile in return.

x

Lily had been in her heads chamber waiting and thinking. Why had she been disappointed that Professor Potter would be getting her a different tutor? She decided she was better off not answering that particular question. It was obviously really. Lily had heard the things her fellow female classmates said about their youngest professor. She hadn't participated in these conversations, but she couldn't help but agree silently.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock at her door. She went to open it.

"Evening Professor."

"Are you ready?"

"It seems like you have asked me that question fifty times today, but yes, I am ready."

The pair of the walked down to Hagrid's.

"Did you talk to Dumbledore?" she asked tentatively.

"I did. He was impressed and agrees that some extra training wouldn't go amiss."

"Who did he decide would be my tutor?"

James didn't answer immediately, he was somehow embarrassed.

"Me."

"But, you don't know anything about wandless magic."

"I know that, and I told Dumbledore that too," he snapped defensively. "But apparently no one really does, and it's up to that witch or wizard to discover it within himself or herself."

"That makes perfect sense. If someone asked me how to do it, I wouldn't have the foggiest idea of how I would even begin to explain..."

"Dumbledore said it was a choice between either me or Slughorn."

"Slughorn?" she said, sounding aghast.

"That's exactly what I said," he chuckled. Lily laughed weakly.

"I'm sorry Professor Potter. It seems that all at once I've placed so many extra burdens on you. First having to come with me everyday to see to the unicorn and now extra lessons... I feel like I'm just imposed myself onto your schedule and I'm sorry."

"You didn't ask for it to happen. I would have been tied up the unicorn business anyway, I'm always helping out Hagrid with his latest... beastly acquisitions. And as for the lessons, well, I'm a teacher, and that's my whole point in being here."

The lights were still on inside Hagrid's hut and smoke was rising from the chimney. "Oh, looks like he is still awake." She knocked on the door. "Hagrid?" she asked sweetly.

"Just a mo'," Hagrid said. After a few clanging sounds and a muffled swear word, the front door opened and Hagrid appeared, sucking on his index finger.

"What happened Hagrid?"

"Burned myself."

"Must have been quite a fire, I wasn't aware that giant skin was that easily burned..." Lily said with playful inquisitiveness.

"Yeh well, erm... Accidents happen... Anyway the formula is over there on the table. Mercury's been waiting for yeh."

"Thanks Hagrid. Are you coming outside or are you going to finish..."

"I think I will do a bit of cleanin up..." he answered evasively.

"Yes, I thought you might." Lily grinned, and Hagrid couldn't help but grin back. He'd end up telling her eventually.  
In Hagrid's backyard, Mercury was prancing around, if not gracefully, at least spiritedly, coat of gilt shining in the moonlight.

The moment Lily appeared Mercury went up to her and nudged her leg with his nose. She went and sat down on the pallet she had made earlier that day and Mercury immediately went and sat down next to her. She stroked the back of his neck and he gave a contented sort of whinny.

"I suppose you are hungry aren't you. Here you go, good boy... good boy." She began her lullaby again, and sang soothingly as the baby drank. It made a sweet scene, James admitted to himself, the beautiful red head, the beautiful baby unicorn and a midnight lullaby.

Hagrid came out just as Lily finished feeding him.

"Care for a night cap James?"

"I believe the Professor has had enough to drink for one evening, Hagrid. And I need to be getting back to the castle anyway."

"Oh right, got class in the morning haven't yeh... both of yeh..."

"Yes, I have Transfiguration at 9, then DADA at 11, but don't forget you have to be up at dawn tomorrow."

"I know, I won't forget."

"Alright, night Hagrid."

"Night Lily, James."

During the walk back, Lily's stomach let out a loud growl.

"I think my stomach is about to digest itself, the only thing I've had to eat all day is a bit of toast this morning at breakfast," she told him. "What I wouldn't give for some grilled chicken and a dinner roll, or soup, or pasta, or anything... I should stop talking about food or I'll be drooling next. I suppose I'll have to settle for a chocolate frog and a sugar quill to tide me over."

"I have a better idea, I'm a bit famished myself."  
Instead of heading up the staircase towards the general direction of her Head Girl rooms, they went in the opposite direction.

"Professor?"

"You'll see," he said. "My friends and I used to come hear all the time when we were at school." He also used to bring dates here as well, but he didn't bother telling her that. "Tickle the pear."

"What?"

"Tickle the pear," he repeated.

Feeling a bit silly, she reached out a hand and scratched innocently at the portrait of a bowl of fruit. A handle appeared and without giving any thought to the matter she immediately opened in and walked in.

"James Potter! Can we get you anything?" an elf squeaked happily.

"Yes... how about a piece or two of grilled chicken, some dinner rolls, maybe a bowl of soup and... some lemon meringue pie."

"Of course!" And he scurried off. Lily looked around the kitchens in amazement and a few minutes later several elves came back to them with the requested food.

"Heaven..." Lily sighed happily. James grinned.

"Bon appetite."

Somehow, Lily Evans managed to look graceful even while gorging on food.

"Good?" James enquired with a smirk.

"Delicious, delectable, _divine_ even."

The on-looking house elves beamed with happiness at this praise.

"There's no topping the house elves of Hogwarts," James agreed, starting on his lemon meringue.  
Soaking up the last drop of soup with her bread Lily daintily devoured the last bite, shoved the tray away from her, and sighed.

"I'm stuffed, I think I could quite easily lie down right here and take a nap on the floor..."  
James laughed. "Well, you'd better try to fight the urge until you get back to your room, then you can pass out."

"Afraid not. I still have some work to do."

"Really? Which subject?" James asked as they exited the kitchen.

"It's a... transfiguration project."

"Ah transfiguration. Easily my best subject in school, pity Minerva hated me. Well, she loved me, but Sirius and I didn't make things very easy for her when we were in school..."

"I thought DADA would have been your best subject."

"Oh it was my favourite, to be sure, but transfiguration comes naturally to me. What's the project?"

"Oh, erm... it's not exactly for class. More of an... extra curricular activity... for my own amusement."

"Oh I see. Just don't get caught because I would have to have to punish you. You take up enough of my time as it is." He had said it jokingly, but her face fell.

"I do feel bad abut that though... perhaps I can make it up to you?"

"How? Not that you need to, I'm just curious."

"I... thought I might help you prepare for your lessons... or help you with the class experiments..." she said, trying unsuccessfully to keep her lips from turning up into a grin. James face broke into a mischievous smile too.

"What did you do to those files anyway? Even Dumbledore can't get them back to the way they originally were."

"That's because those are brand new. I haven't touched the actual records, they are safe and sound and are scheduled to miraculously reappear next Tuesday night."

"Why Tuesday?"

"Because Filch will certainly be out of his office then, as he always is from 10-11 on Tuesdays."

"Where does he go?"

"I'm not certain, I know he doesn't leave the grounds. I think he goes up to the third floor, but I'm not exactly sure where or why. Never bothered to follow."

"Why not?"

"Because spying on the caretaker isn't my idea of a good time."

"But aren't you curious?"

"Not really. It's Filch, how scandalously interesting could it be? He probably polishes his favourite suit of armour every Tuesday or something. How should I know?"

"How long has he had this little appointment?"

"Oh, at least these last three years..."

"Well you are probably, right. It probably isn't worth investigating."

"So is it a yes or a no?" Lily enquired of her Professor.

"I'm sorry I can't seem to remember the question."

"Well, it wasn't as question so much as a suggestion about helping you with DADA class in exchange for your help, and in atonement for Filches file cabinets."

"Oh that, sure sure. It would actually be a nice to have a bit of help. This week is just private lessons to prepare for Thursday, but the third years are studying dark beasts, and I could use your help with that."

"You'll let me know?"

"I will."

By that time they had reached her room and she told the portrait Vigilance.

"Alright. Goodnight Professor, I'll see you in class tomorrow."

"Goodnight Evans. Don't work too hard. Get some sleep."

She smiled and nodded as the portrait swung closed, locking James out. Not that he wanted in, of course...


	3. Chapter 3

Lily worked until 3 that morning on her "transfiguration project." She had been working on it since fourth year, and she was so close to becoming an animagus that she almost couldn't contain herself. She hadn't told anyone about it, not any of her friends or even Hagrid. She hadn't exactly informed the ministry, nor would they have allowed her to if she did. She was so close... she was tempted to try it out tonight, but thought better of it. Perhaps the next night. She already knew what animal she would become. It wasn't her ideal animal. She would prefer to be a cat, which could easily get around the castle and grounds at any time of the day or night, but she would be a doe. Alright for Hogwarts, but not exactly useful if she were back in London...

Her alarm went of half an hour before dawn the next morning and she got up and got ready for the day, taking a shower and changing into her school robes.

Hagrid was waiting for her at the front doors as Dumbledore had suggested.

"Good morning Hagrid!" Lily called happily to him. She was really lacking in sleep but for some reason she was in an excellent mood. She decided it was because she was so close to completing her transfiguration project.

"Mornin Lily!" Hagrid replied just as cheerfully.

Mercury was already up and waiting for her. She fed him as she chatted away easily with Hagrid for more that an hour. She and Hagrid always ended up talking for long periods of time. When she realised that she had class in 20 minutes she rose quickly to leave. When she did Mercury tried to follow her to class and it nearly broke her heart to leave him, telling him he couldn't come.

"I'll be back tonight, alright?" she promised him, but she couldn't tell if Mercury understood her or not.

"Better hurry, breakfast is almost over," Hagrid prompted.

"Right. Thanks Hagrid. Pick me up at the castle doors at midnight?"

"Thas right."

She dashed off towards the castle, now that it was fully light outside she didn't need to be accompanied back. To her dismay, she had missed breakfast by just a few minutes and only had enough time to walk to class. She met some of her friends in the hallway on the way.

"Hey Lily. You weren't at breakfast! We saved you a seat..."

"Sorry, I slept in this morning. Did you do the extra credit essay for Transfiguration?"

"Not yet," answered Rupert. "Doubtless you already have it done."

"Of course. It's due today."

"Oh well. Guess I won't do it then," he said shrugging.

"Lils, you weren't in DADA yesterday. We signed up for times to practice for our Practical exam next Thursday," said Alice.

"Did you all sign up?"

"Nearly everyone I think... but all the times are taken. You had better talk to Professor Potter today to see if you can too."

"I already went to see him yesterday to see what I missed. I've already did my practice session last night."

"Really? How did it go? What did he do?"

"He started out with really easy ones and worked up."

"Was it hard?"

"Harder than I'd like to admit..."

"Bollocks... if Lily had trouble with it than what hope do the rest of us have."

"No! That's not what I meant. I just meant that..." That what? What had she been about to say? She couldn't remember. Looking back the defensive work hadn't been too bad. A bit challenging certainly, but nothing that could explain the feeling of confusion and desperation mingled with excited anticipation that she had felt that had made concentration that much more difficult. "It wasn't that bad. If you practice you should do well enough..." she finished lamely.

They entered the Transfiguration classroom and took their usual seats; Lily's being in the front row next to Alice, and the rest of the boys in the row behind. Professor McGonagall walked briskly in half a minute later, flicking her wrist toward the blackboard where the day's notes magically appeared.

"Today, we continue the topic of defined to amorphous Transfiguration. Now, do you all have containers with you?"  
The class held up various items to contain their transfigured liquids. Most people brought glasses, mugs, or flagons, but one of the boys had brought a china teapot and Rupert had what appeared to be the boot to a suit of armour.

"Hell," Lily breathed to herself. She had forgotten to bring something with her. As discreetly as she could, she took the books out of her bag and set them on the ground underneath her chair and silently transfigured her newly emptied school bag into a beautiful silver soup tureen. She placed it on her desk as all the other students had done.

"10 points to Gryffindor," Professor McGonagall said out of the side of her mouth, so quietly only Lily could hear. "That was a beautiful piece of transfiguration Miss Evans, but I must still tell you that it would be nice if you can to class prepared."  
Lily grinned embarrassedly and nodded but Professor McGonagall saw neither action because she had already left to inspect the rest of the class's items. After copying down the notes from the board with a quick spell she had invented herself she began on the day's class work. She was rather pleased with herself when she managed to change a paperweight into whiskey, but the satisfaction was stifled by the growing pain in her stomach, which growled louder and louder with every passing minute.

Rupert, who had heard, leaned over and said, "Was that your stomach, Evans? Or was there an explosion in the dungeons..."

"I told you I overslept. I missed breakfast."

"May I remind you all that those who fail to perform today's transfiguration will be assigned an essay on amorphous transfiguring. So I suggest that the conversation be kept to a minimum so that you are free to concentrate on your spell work," Professor McGonagall said authoritatively. The conversation ceased as everyone else tried frantically to complete the assignment so they could avoid the essay.

After class when Lily transfigured her bowl back into her school bag she was displeased to note that it still smelled like whiskey, but put her books in and went to Defence Against the Dark Arts, unable to place where the odd sense of nervous excitement was coming from.

When they walked in to the classroom, Professor Potter wasn't there, but on his desk was a large red apple that Lily eyed hungrily.

"Good morning class," came Professor Potter's pleasantly deep and cheerful voice as he strolled out of his office.

"Good morning Professor Potter." Came the class's reply.

"Today we will be pairing up and practicing nonverbal defence so you can get some experience in before you have to practice with me next week. Now, after you choose your partner I want you to take turns, doing the curses in this order." He flicked his wand to the blackboard and the list appeared there, going from easiest to hardest. Lily was surprised to see that the two most difficult spells that they had done last night were not on the list. "If anyone has any questions or needs any help, ask me. If anyone gets hurt, it is the responsibility of the partner to take them to the hospital wing, is that understood?"

There was a general mumble of acknowledgement.

"Very well. Pair up and start practicing."

The boys paired up with each other, and Alice grabbed Mary, leaving Lily the only Gryffindor without a partner.

"Hey guys, what about me?" she asked.

"Well, you've already practiced, right? It's not that we don't want to be your partner Lily..." Lily assumed the apologetic tone was sincere, but she doubted the rest of it was true.

"Yeah and your curses are too good and you aim too well." Rupert added, shouting across the classroom for everyone to hear.

"You would know," Lily replied sassily. Rupert and Lily had had a sort of prank war at the beginning of term in September, which ended up in an all out (but good natured) duel... which Lily won of course. Rupert laughed with the rest of the Gryffindors as they began their practicing.

"Is there a problem?" Professor Potter asked, seeming to appear magically from behind her.

"I've just been left out it appears... there are 17 people in class. I'm just the odd man out," she replied as her stomach decided to give another unhappy growl.

"That reminds me," he said silently summoning the apple from his desk. "I noticed you weren't at breakfast this morning, thought you might need something other than a sugar quill to tide you over."

"Actually I didn't even have a sugar quill. Thank you," she said taking the apple. She took a large satisfying bite; it was still cool and crisp. "Delicious."

"Glad you think so. Now perhaps you can answer me a question."

"Certainly Professor."

"Why does your bag smell like whiskey?" he asked, raising a suspicious eyebrow.

"It's not what you think. Today we did amorphous transfiguration. I forgot to bring a container for liquid so I transfigured my bag into a bowl. McGonagall was quite pleased with it, she gave me ten points," she explained, taking another bite of apple.

"Lovely, but that still doesn't explain why it smells like whiskey."

"Because that's the substance into which I changed my paperweight. The scent lingered after I turned the bowl back into my bag."

"I see," he said, then lowered his voice and added. "And how was Mercury today?"

"He was very well, very energetic, but he tried to follow me to class today. It broke my heart when I told him he couldn't come with me."

"Yes, it's a pity you were the first thing he bonded with after the death of his parents."

"Why?"

"Because now you have an unexpected child to take care of. It's a big burden for a 17 year old to take on."

"I don't mind. Really I don't. It's like having a pet, a younger sibling and a baby all rolled into one. And I'm 18, not 17."

"Yes well..." he began. Were there really only 4 and a half years between them? 5 at the most... James had been one of the youngest in his year, and she must be on of the oldest in hers...

"I'm glad it happened," she said quietly, almost sadly. "It's nice to have someone to take care of, someone who loves and needs you."

"Say Evans..." he began, but had no idea what he could possibly say to her.

"Yes?" She had asked with such innocent inquisitiveness and her eyes were so big and green that he was taken aback.

"I... I think that Mercury is lucky. Out of all the students in Hogwarts that Mercury could have bonded with, he got you, the most talented and capable of your age. I am very confident you will take good care of him."

"Thank you, Professor," she said, not able able to help but feel slightly happy and the compliment.

"So, would you like to practice some more nonverbal defence?"

"I will take all the practice I can get." She finished the apple and with a silent evansesca, made the core disappear into thin air.

She got en guard, prepared for the first attack.

"Silently and in no particular order," she said determinately.

"As you wish, Miss Evans."

She cleared her mind of all... distracting thoughts and did her best to concentrate solely on the very important task at hand.

He threw a medium curse at her first, than a difficult one, than another difficult one, followed by 2 more very complex and very difficult curses. As he threw out curses faster and faster, his confidence in her grew and grew. He was startled when she shot a simple hex back at him. He defended himself easily and continued his assault and she continued hers, until it was a proper duel. They didn't speak a word, but lights from their spells were flashing and the reflected curses were rebounding onto the furniture. They were so engrossed in their own duel that they didn't notice the entire class had stopped to watch them as they fought. Lily wasn't going to stop until someone lost, until either she or the Professor finally landed a curse.  
James had been tempted to use a few curses he knew Evans wouldn't know, like the one that had been popular during his days in school, which flipped your opponent upside down. He decided against it because that would mean either Evans's skirt would fly up, or she would panic and use that defensive shield she couldn't control, and he didn't want other people to get hurt.

Lily, however, had no such qualms and decided to use a harmless enough spell of her own invention. Since it wasn't a curse, per se, James had no chance of blocking it with usual defensive magic. The way the spell worked was thinking clearly of the person whom you wanted to be affected and say (or think) excitio. Then said person would slowly become aroused. It was an amusing spell she had thought up during one of those late nights in Gryffindor tower with the lads. They had mentioned how hilarious it would be if such a spell existed, and Lily had begun to try and create one, which she managed to do after a few weeks. It was a subtle incantation, not a curse, so Potter would have no idea how to block it. The only thing was, she didn't know exactly how long it would take because it varied from person to person, and sometimes it didn't work at all...  
James was throwing another advanced curse at her when he felt something hit him... not the usual sharp force of a direct curse, but a strange warmth that spread throughout his body. The spell was unknown to him, but the warmth that started to concentrate in a particular area was all too familiar. Embarrassed and infuriated he commanded "That's it. Duel's over. We are done for today."

Lily lowered her wand, disappointed. The rest of the class as well looked as if they had wanted the duel to continue as well, but they turned back to their respective partners and began again, this time inspired by the performance of the Head Girl and the Professor.

Once the attention was no longer on them, James strode over to Lily, took her arm in a very firm grasp and led her out the door. Once in the corridor he let go of her by shoving her away.

"What did you do?" he asked angrily.

"I... tried something I thought you wouldn't know how to block..."

"Get rid of it."

"What?"

"Don't be cute Evans," He growled, advancing on her. She backed away from him until she hit the stone wall behind her.

"Get. Rid. Of. It."

Her eyes widened, and she looked terrified. "Get rid of it?" She asked in a quavering voice.

"Yes. Do the counter curse. Now."

"I never came up with a counter curse."

He swallowed hard. He was finding it hard to remain furious with her when he had other growing interests on his mind. Aware that he needed to get away from Lily Evans as soon as possible he turned around and strode away saying "10 points from Gryffindor, Evans! And detention tomorrow!"

Lily went back into the classroom a few moments later, grabbed her books and left, heading towards the kitchens. She tickled the pear and entered to see a hundred house elves greet her happily. Her mood lightened a bit to see them. She asked for a basket of food for lunch and for dinner, which she carried back to her head room. She only had double Potions that afternoon, and then was off for the rest of the evening. She decided she would hide in her room as much as possible, and avoid going into the great hall where she might see Professor Potter.

Why had she used such a stupid spell? She should have known better, she berated herself. She lost the 10 points she had gotten from McGonagall that morning and she had earned another detention, and something told her it wouldn't be a pleasant one...

Seeing as how she wouldn't be going to lunch and she would no longer have tomorrow free she decided to eat quickly and try to transform into her doe form for the first time. She completely forgot about her basket of food when she entered her room though, too excited about becoming an animagus to think about eating.

Nervously, she cleared a space in which she would transform, drawing the intricate pattern array in chalk on the ground that was necessary for first time transformations. Checking and rechecking it with the diagram in the book, making sure it was exactly right, she nodded resolutely and placed the book on the table, and took her place in the centre of the circle. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, focusing every ounce of her concentration on the form of the doe she knew she would become.

She felt her body lengthen and change, muscles tighten and elongate, clothes meld into her and form a coat of fur until she was completely transformed into a deer. She didn't have much space to walk around, nor did she have a mirror at hand to see her reflection. But taking two steps back and forth with all four legs and prancing in a small circle convinced her that she had gotten it right. Once she came to this realization she became so elated that she wanted to... frolic? Yes, she wanted to prance, and frolic, run quickly and take flying bounds and leaps with her new body... a body that was not fit to stay cooped up in this room.

She knew immediately that she would not be attending potions that afternoon. She already knew what potion they would be doing, Slughorn had told her last class, and she had mastered that potion ages ago. She knew she was his favourite so she would be able to get away with it so long as she came up with a charming enough excuse. Perhaps she would say she fell asleep in the library reading the latest addition of The Guidebook for Potion Lovers, or something.  
She returned to the middle of the circle once more, and concentrated on becoming her human self again, and she morphed back instantly. Then she stood outside the circle array and tried to transform again, which she did, even quicker than she had before, and she changed back just as easily. Excited with her new ability she raced out of her room, anxious to make it outside before classes let out for lunch.

Once she was satisfied that she had made it onto the grounds unseen, she slipped into bit of forest closest to the castle to transform. Once she was a doe, she darted off through the woods, leaping, bounding, and sprinting as fast as her new four legs could carry her. Her stamina as a deer was much better than it was as a human, she noticed, but after a half an hour of bounding she found she had become quite thirsty, and counted herself lucky to have quickly found a small pond within the forest.

She lowered her head cautiously, feeling instinctively vulnerable while her head was down in the water. She took a few laps of water when the hair on her neck prickled and her ears twitched. Animal panic set in before her human mind realized that it was Hagrid's voice she heard.

"Look James, just over there. She's beau'iful."

Doe Lily looked over to see Hagrid and Professor Potter standing in a sort of clearing several meters away, looking at her. She didn't know whether she should run away from them or stay and drink...

"Yes, she's beautiful Hagrid, but it's just a deer. Not magical or dangerous enough to hold your interest, eh?"

"But she's so beau'iful, see if we can go say hello..." Hagrid suggested.

"To a deer?"

"Course! Maybe it will let yeh pet her."

James shrugged. "Why not. Much better out here trying to tame a doe than in the Great Hall.."

"Yeh sound like yer in school again, hidin' from a girlfriend or from Filch..." Hagrid chuckled.

"Don't walk so quickly, you'll scare her Hagrid," James warned.

"I know I know," Hagrid whispered (or what Hagrid thought was a whisper.) Both of them continued to advance slowly on the animal. She looked as if she were contemplating flight, but she stood her ground as he and Hagrid approached. The deer looked nervous, but curious as well. When James reached out a hand to touch it, it backed away apprehensively, but when Hagrid extended his hand out towards her she nuzzled against it.

"Looks like she likes you more than me," James said drily.

"Naw, she was just startled, that's all. Come have a go, she's real friendly."

Once again James reached out his hand to stroke the gentle beast's nec; this time she didn't try to turn away.

"Good girl," James murmured to her.

"So why are you avoidin someone, James?" Hagrid asked.

"I'm not trying to avoid her."

"Her?"

"Anyone. I'm not trying to avoid anyone," James corrected, far too late.

Hagrid gave him a disbelieving look. James sighed.

"I took points from a student who didn't deserve it. And I gave her a detention."

"Why?"

"I lost my temper and... punished her and stormed off. When I got back she was gone and... I dunno, Hagrid."

"Wha' did she do?"

"She hit me with a curse."

"You had every right to give 'er detention if she cursed her Professor!" Hagrid interrupted.

"No no, this was in class, we were practicing."

"Oh."

"She hit me with a really stupid curse and I was so angry and embarrassed that I lost my temper with her. The thing is it was an original spell I think, because she said she never came up with a counter curse."

"Well, she shouldn't have been using spells that weren't Ministry approved in the first place."

"That's true... the thing is that I was thinking of using a few non approved spells myself..."

"You didn't..." Hagrid said, sounding shocked.

"No I didn't, but for reasons other than them not being Ministry approved..." he said, still absentmindedly stroking the deer's neck.

"Oh..." Hagrid said, not really understanding but nodding anyway.

"Ugh, and she will come to my office tomorrow for a detention."

"Maybe you should give her detention with someone else?"

"No, then I'd have to explain what she did, and I'd rather not..."

"Oh?" Hagrid asked, but James shook his head in response. He wasn't going to tell anyone at Hogwarts, not even Hagrid, the nature of the spell Lily Evans had used on him... for his and Lily's sake.

"I suppose I just have to tell her that I was wrong to have lost my temper and I take back the detention."

"That sounds alright."

"But what I would love most of all would be if we could both just forget the entire thing ever happened," James said quietly, so that Hagrid couldn't really hear him. The doe had big brown/green eyes, an unusual shade for a deer, but still beautiful all the same.

"You think we should introduce her to Mercury?" Hagrid asked. "Might get along to have another like creature to spend time with when Lily can't be around."

"We can give it a try, Hagrid, but we can't make it stay if it doesn't want to."

"I know that, but just sayin..."

With James's hand on its neck, and Hagrid's huge hand on its back, they led the deer through the forest back to Hagrid's hut and Mercury's pen. The moment Mercury saw the doe he stopped and stared inquisitively. Then he became thoroughly excited and affectionate to the new comer, and the deer seemed to like Mercury just as much.

"Look how well they get along," said Hagrid smiling.

x

Lily knew that even though she didn't look like herself, Mercury recognized her for who she really was. He greeted her enthusiastically, and even though they couldn't communicate with words, she seemed to someone innately understand him now. He wanted to go running together. Again, in that odd form of animal communication and understanding she told him they could only if they stayed close by.

Hagrid and James, she realised, had withdrawn into Hagrid's hut for some tea, so she unlatched the simple lock to the pen with her mouth and nudged open the door with her nose. Mercury stepped out of the pen and she followed close behind, feeling more motherly than she ever had in her entire life, and feeling more loved than she had since her parents' death.

She trotted alongside Mercury. Her adult legs were much longer and stronger than his, so she trotted easily while he ran back and forth behind Hagrid's hut; the short distance to and from the lake was as far as she was willing to go with him. She didn't want to go too deep into the forest or too far away from Hagrid's so that he and James couldn't help them should they need it.

"Blimey, look! She's opened up the pen!" Hagrid said watching the two animals run side by side happily. "She's a smart one, she is."

Lily led Mercury back towards the pen and they went in, Mercury immediately lying down to sleep until his next feeding. Lily lay down next to him, and he snuggled up against her and drifted off as well.

"Aww, I wish Lily were here to see this," Hagrid said.

"Yeah..." James replied awkwardly.

"Maybe she will still be here when it's time for feeding 'em tonight."

"Yeah, look Hagrid, I was wondering if I could ask you to pick up Lily tonight instead. I have... some things to do in the castle tonight."

"No problem at all, I'll just send her an owl. Will you be taking her at midnight then?"

"Oh... erm..."

"I can do it, it's no trouble for me. Do you have a date tonight, is that it? Are you still seeing that one witch, what was her name again?"

"Actually Hagrid, I have the first years in a few minutes. I'll talk to you later," he said, not wanting to get on the topic of Agatha. She was the last thing he wanted to think about just then.

"Take care then, Potter."

"See you," James said, and strode back to the castle, rumpling up his hair as he went. He always did that when something was on his mind.

He climbed the stairs 3 at a time and locked himself in his office. Truth was he still had about half an hour before the first years. Instead, he pulled out a small hand mirror from an inner pocket of his robes and looked into it.

"Sirius."

A few moments later James's own face blurred, then refocused into that of his best friend's.

"Allo Prongs!"

"Hey Padfoot. You look like shit..." Actually it wasn't true. Sirius never looked like shit, he only looked minutely less handsome than usual due to his red rimmed eyes.

"Your fault for calling on me at this hour..."

"Padfoot, it's nearly 2 in the afternoon."

"Is it? Well, late night last night, you know how it is." He shook his mane of long hair and ran his fingers through it. On any other human, it would have seemed distinctly feminine, but Sirius Black was an exception to oh so many rules...

"To what do I owe this great honour?" his best friend asked.

"I actually wanted to ask for some advice..."

"Advice? The great Professor Potter wants my advice?"

"Shove it Padfoot I'm serious."

"I thought I was Sirius."

"You know that joke lost its humour after the first few thousand times."

"I know, it's just habit by now. Sorry mate, go on. What's the problem?"  
James rumpled his hair again uncertainly. He knew he was going to get teased hideously for this, but he needed to talk to someone.

"Today I was turned on when duelling a student..."

Sirius's eyebrows shot up, and an evil grin spread across his face. "A female student I hope."

"Yes. Have you ever heard of an arousal spell or something?"

"No mate. Don't blame your healthy male reactions on magic..."

"No Padfoot, it was a spell, she admitted to it."

"Did she now!? Imagine that... well it certainly isn't a certified ministry spell, they'd never allow it."

"Yeah, because prats like you would abuse it horribly..."

"Imagine if we had known that while we were in school... Imagine giving it to Flitwick in the middle of a lecture... or Snivellus in Potions! Haha... we were always saying he got off on chopped beetle bits..."

"Padfoot focus!"

"Right, sorry, continue."

"Well, we were duelling in class, silently, so I don't know what the incantation was. I didn't even see it coming it was so subtle. After I felt it... erm.. take hold I pulled her out into the hallway."

"Uncharactersicly forward of you Prongs, but I approve of your damn the torpedoes attitude."

"Shut up Padfoot, she's a student. I took her outside to tell her to get rid of it."

"The magical way or the non magical way?" he asked wriggling his eyebrows.  
James remembered that terrified look in Evans' eyes before he had specified to use a counter curse and banged his head on his desk. Yet another thing to add to the humiliation, she had thought he had suggested... But only for a moment, because he definitely told her to do the counter curse...

"Oh this just keeps getting worse..."

"Well?"

"No, she knew I meant magically, but she said she never came up with a counter curse and the only way to deal with it was... well... in the normal way."

"So you _did_ do a student."

"Of course not I... took care of it myself. Had the worst wank of my life in my office if you must know." James said sourly. Sirius let out a bark of laughter.

James had lied though, it hadn't been the worst. He just felt the worse for it because one can't always control one's thoughts when wanking and that time they had the most inappropriate of subjects.

"So once you performed the non magical counter curse what did you do?"

"I went back to class, but she had gone. But I took 10 points from Gryffindor and gave her detention as I was leaving..."

"She was a Gryffindor?!"

"Yes. Why?"

"I'm just so proud," Sirius said, wiping away a non existent tear. "Such a clever young sex kitten in Gryffindor..."

"She is not a... _kitten_ of any kind!" he sputtered.

"She'd have to be to come up with _that_ spell."

"No. She's just clever, and... comprehensive with her magic. She's Head Girl!"

"That means absolutely nothing. You were Head Boy, remember," Sirius pointed out fairly.  
James smirked, acknowledging the point. Head status was not at all equivalent to purity status, he was living proof.

"What exactly seems to be the problem though?"

"I lost my temper. I yelled at her. I gave her detention. Did she really deserve detention? And how can I face her after that?"

"Woah calm yourself Prongs! It's not like you did anything wrong. She performed the spell, she knew what would happen. Nothing to be embarrassed about. If it had been any other spell it wouldn't be an issue, right?"

"If it had been any other spell I wouldn't have given her detention."

"Then take it back, say you over reacted."

"You make it sound so easy."

"Honestly mate, how often do you even have to see her outside of class anyway."

"All the time, actually. I am her private tutor for wandless magic and I have to go with her into the forest twice a night to feed a baby unicorn she found... I told Hagrid to take her tonight."

"Oh... that does make things more interesting," his 'friend' said sounding highly amused. Schadenfreude, in Sirius's demented mind, was the height of hilarity, even if (or perhaps especially if) it involved his own friends.

"Not only that but she has detention with me next week as well, and I can't take that one back."

"What was it for?"

James explained the prank with Filch's file cabinets, which brought a fresh onslaught of praise from Sirius.

"A woman after my own heart! I think I'd like to meet this Head Girl."

"No."

"Oh, is she ugly?"

"Not at all."

"Ah ha, so she is pretty."

"That's... completely beside the point. She's my student and I am not setting her up with a prat like you."

"Ouch, Prongs, I'm hurt."

"You'll get over it I'm sure."

"You are right. In fact, I'm over it already... can't even remember what it is you said..."

"Called you a prat."

"Ah yes that's right. But I forgive you."

"Thanks..." James sighed and ruffled his hair again.

"Hey Prongs."

"Yeah?"

"Is that really all that's bothering you?" Sirius spoke in complete sincerity, not even a hint of the ever present laughter or teasing. James cursed his best friend for knowing him so well.

"I'm alright Padfoot, thanks. Just have a lot on my mind, that's all.

"Well, if you're sure, mate."

"Yeah... thanks. I have class now, so I'd better go. Talk later."

"Oh Prongs!"

"Yeah?"

"Tomorrow night? Shrieking shack?"

"Like I could ever forget. I'll take Evans tonight so I'll be free tomorrow."

"Evans?"

"The Head girl."

"Ah ha, so the lovely flower has a name..."

"Funny you should call her a flower. Her first name is Lily."

"It was a sign that we were meant to be. Come on mate, introduce me. She's not my student."

"The answer is still no Padfoot. I'll see you tomorrow." James placed the mirror face down on his desk as he gathered up his supplies for class that day. Then putting the mirror back in his pocket (they had sworn years and years ago to keep the mirrors on them at all times) he left.


	4. Which savours strongly of Cheese

Lily woke up that evening around 6, still in her deer form and still in Mercury's pen. Thinking she had better change back and get to the castle before Hagrid came to pick her up, she told Mercury she would be back in a bit, rose to her four feet, and bounded gracefully over the fence of the pen and darted off into the woods. Making sure she was out of sight from Hagrid's hut, she changed back into Lily Evans somewhere near the lake and began walking back to the castle when an idea struck her, and she headed back to Hagrid's.

She knocked on the door. "Hagrid? It's Lily."

She heard shuffling within. "Hold on a mo'," came Hagrid's reply, sounding very preoccupied.

"Is this a bad time? I could..." But she didn't finish her sentence, because Hagrid opened the door and beamed down at her.

"Evenin Lily!"

"Good evening Hagrid!"

"Come in come in," he said holding the door open with one hand and waving her in with the other.

"Up to any trouble this evening, Hagrid?"

"Course not, just making some of my famous blueberry and fang-mint muffins. I was just taking them out of the oven when you knocked. Want one?"

"Fang-mint?..." she asked uncertainly.

"That's right."

"No offence Hagrid, but I think I'll pass. I like my food to be good for, rather than a risk to, my health. How's Mercury?"

"Bloomin! He's made a new friend. I wish you could've seen her, Lily. A beautiful deer. They spent all afternoon together."

"Aww... how lovely."

"Maybe she will come around again sometime when you are here. You'd like her."

"Perhaps I will just wait here until dusk and see if she comes. It's only an hour or so anyway..."

"Oh that's right, I forgot to tell yeh, Professor Potter can't come, so I'll be with you two tonight."

"What about midnight?"

"Oh.. erm... not sure if he'll be done by then either... he said he'd let me know though."

"Done with what?"

"Erm... nothin."

"Hagrid, I get the distinct impression that you are prevaricating."

"Eh?"

"You are deliberately dodging the question, but that's alright. It's none of my business anyway. It's just as well. I'm not too anxious to see Professor Potter."

"Oh?"

"We were practicing in class today, and I hit him with a stupid curse. I shouldn't have, and he was justly angry with me. I should have known better. I wanted to apologise but he stormed off before I got the chance, then I lost my nerve and left. He's been so kind and helpful to me lately. First with Mercury, and then with my extra lessons, and I had to go and ruin it all by getting overly competitive. I just wish we could both forget the entire thing ever happened."

"That's exactly what he said this afternoon."

"So you've talked to him too. What do you think I should do?"

"'Pologise..."

"Well, obviously, but apart from that."

"Just apologise and see what 'appens from there."

"I suppose I will. It's the only thing I can do it seems." Lily sighed.

"Cheer up Lily. He's a good person. Not like Potter to hold a grudge on anyone that weren't a Slytherin..." Hagrid said comfortingly. Lily laughed hollowly. Was Professor Potter that proud a Gryffindor? Or did he hold that strong a grudge against Slytherins...

Hagrid made some tea to go with his blueberry and fang-mint muffins, and they conversed until it was sundown. They moved outside so Lily could feed Mercury and she glanced up at the stars again... there would be trials ahead, they said.  
She didn't need the stars to tell her that. The dark lord was growing more and more powerful each day and the list of victims was growing longer and longer. The dark mark was just as common a sight in the night sky as any of the other familair constellations.

A tear ran down her cheek as she thought of two particular people whose name's were on that unhappy list... Rose and William Evans. Lily was now the only Evans left seeing as Petunia no longer bore the name. She had replaced it with Dursley last winter, but Lily hadn't been invited to the wedding. Petunia had completely cut her off.  
She hated when she started thinking about her family, or lack there of. It always made her leak like this. She wiped away the tears so Hagrid wouldn't see, but she couldn't wipe away the weight on her heart. How could a heart so empty feel so heavy? She felt like she had no one. After her parents death she realised how empty her friendships were saving perhaps Rupert. Sure they were nice to have around for classes and meal times, but how many of them could she actually open up to? None, save Hagrid. Hagrid had lost his parents too, and knew what she was going through, plus he bore the additional burden of being a half giant in a world that was so prejudice about blood types. Lily understood that as well, being muggle born. She and Rupert had been quite close, but ever since he started dating someone in the beginning of 6th year they hadn't seen as much of each other, and now Lily lived in the Head dorm, she only ever saw him in classes.  
What she wouldn't give to have Petunia with her now... she still dearly loved her sister, and didn't blame her for shoving her away. It was Lily's fault her parents were murdered.

x

James paced back and forth in his office. He knew he was giving the matter far more thought than it deserved. If it had been any other spell... anything else at all... hell, had it been an unforgivable curse it would have been better. Well, perhaps not, but a hell of a lot less humiliating. He considered himself lucky that the whole class hadn't seen it or knew about it. It really wasn't as bad as he thought it was. Sirius was right. It wouldn't be a big deal had it not been for the thoughts that kept running through his mind. A student is a student is a student. No exceptions.  
He decided to go visit Hagrid, telling him he was free to take Lily tonight and that they could return to their usual schedule. The sun had set ages ago, Lily should be back in the castle by now; not that he was still trying to avoid her or anything...  
Putting his glasses back on and grabbing his cloak, he left his office. The night air was chillier. It seemed that winter was finally setting in. There was a light burning in Hagrid's hut, and he was about to knock on the front door when he heard voices. He moved around to the side of the house, tiptoeing through the pumpkin patch to hear better.

"Hagrid? Do you think that our parents can still see us? I mean that maybe they are in the stars somewhere, watching over us? Or do you think that once you die you are completely gone from this world?" James recognized the voice as Lily's.

"Don't know about stars, but as long as you love them..."

"Don't say that they will live on in my heart..."

"Oh, erm... why?"

"Because if that's the only way then I'd rather just forget about them... What's the point in loving people who can't love you back?"

"Lily!"

"What? Maybe you are passed it Hagrid, but for me the only thing I get from keeping them in my heart is pain."

"What about all those happy memories?"

"Happy at the time, but thinking of them only reminds me that I will never know that happiness again. I wish someone would just obliviate me. Forget my parents, forget Petunia, forget that I am alone in the world, forget pissing off my favourite teacher, forget that there is anything in life but what I have right now at this moment... Oh Hagrid stop crying..."

"I just can't stand seeing you so sad..." Hagrid sputtered between sobs.

James was feeling increasingly uncomfortable eavesdropping on this conversation. He wanted to make his presence known, but he didn't want to make things awkward for interrupting, nor did he want them to know he had overheard. But he was her favourite teacher? A small feeling of satisfaction settled in somewhere amongst all the awkwardness.

"I'm sorry Hagrid. I shouldn't unload on you like this."

"No it's alright. Everyone needs to get things off their chest every once in a while. You haven't said anything about your parents since last Christmas."

"They've been gone for 2 years, Hagrid, why can't I seem to get over it? That wasn't an actual question Hagrid, you don't have to answer," she said, but he did anyway.

"It's because you haven't filled the emptiness in your heart."

"Nothing can replace my parents."

"I didn't mean that, but you can fill it with love."

"Hagrid, you are starting to sound a bit cheesy."

"He's right though," James said, walking around the hut towards them. Well, so much for not interrupting or letting them know I heard, James thought.

"James!" Hagrid said looking at him in surprise. Lily wasn't looking at him at all. She had sat up suddenly when he had spoke, and now she was hugging her knees to her chest, staring at her shoes.  
Taking a bit of a bold risk he sat down next to her. "Nothing can replace your parents, but having something or someone you love gives you something to live for, your raison d'être."

She remained silent, so he continued. "But what will really help fill that void is being loved too... knowing that people care for you."

She kept her head down, but he heard her sniffle and saw her wiping her eyes.

"I know..." she whispered hoarsely. "Is that selfish? To want to be cared for?"

"Selfish? It just means you have a soul, that's all. Did you begrudge Mercury for bonding with you? He needed someone to care for him and he just chose you. Was that wrong of him?"

"Mercury is a baby, and I am not."

"Was it selfish?"

"Well... I guess it was more self preservation. He would die without care and protection, I won't."

"But you won't live either..."

"How can you say that so easily? I can't just walk up to someone demand that they love me, you know it doesn't work like that! If it did, I wouldn't be in this pitiful state right now."

The girl had an unassailable point. Her problem could just disappear if she did the right thing, said the right thing, or cast the right spell...

"You are right, you just have to open your heart and wait."

"He sounds just as cheesy as you, Hagrid¡," she said dryly.

There came no response. She looked up and realised Hagrid was gone. "Hagrid?"

"The truth can be just as cheesy as it can be painful, hilarious, profound, or wonderful, but the truth is the truth," James continued.

"And how is it that you know what's true?" she asked with unmasked scepticism.

"It comes from being older and wiser of course!" he said cheerfully, patting her on her head.

There was a moment of silence before Lily said, "Merlin I'm hungry. I'm actually tempted to try one of Hagrid's freshly baked blueberry fang-mint muffins."

"Don't," Potter said seriously. "I made that very same mistake my seventh year, my gums were bleeding for 2 days afterward... I terrified some first years, convincing them that I was a vampire." He checked his watch. "If you can wait another hour we will ask the house elves to indulge us. They are always thrilled to."

"I'm going to start drooling if I start thinking about their cooking. The only thing I've had to eat all day is that apple you gave me this morning."

"Didn't you go to lunch or dinner?"

"No. I... didn't feel like going into the great hall today."

"Ah," James said understanding. "Neither did I to be honest."

They didn't continue the subject out of some sort of silent agreement. Instead, Lily lay back down to continue her stargazing.

"Almost a full moon..." she said.

"Almost..." he said lying down on his back as well, putting his hands behind his head. James didn't need to be reminded about the full moon. After being with Remus for almost the last 100 full moons, he always knew exactly when they would be. They stayed like that for a long time, mostly in comfortable silence but with occasional random comments.

"You know, when I was a kid I used to try to make constellations of my own," she stated.

"I used to try to owl the man on the moon... I think I confused and exhausted poor Dragon."

"You named your owl Dragon?"

"I wanted a dragon for my 5th birthday, but my parents got me an owl instead... So I settled for just naming him Dragon."  
Lily chuckled. "What was the best birthday present you ever received?"

"A broom."

"At what age?"

It was James's turn to chuckle. "Every year from the age of 7 to 17. The one thing with which my parents always indulged me. Quidditch." Actually that wasn't true, his parents had pretty much indulged him in anything he wanted. It just so happened that that primarily consisted of Quidditch.

"You were Quidditch Captain, weren't you?"

"That's right..."

"Do you miss it?"

"Being captain?"

"Playing Quidditch."

"Absolutely. Even now I am assistant coach for the Gryffindor team, and I still sometimes go out to the Quidditch pitch at night and fly around a bit. I used to do that when I was in school too... it's nice having the entire pitch to yourself, just flying around in the peace and quiet of the night... but I still miss the stress and intensity of a match. And of course I miss winning."

To Lily, it sounded absolutely perfect. To just rise above the world and whoosh around as quickly or as slowly as she pleased, at night, where no one could see her. She couldn't think of anything so invigorating and soothing at the same time.

"That sounds like exactly what I need right now... pity I haven't been on a broom since 3rd year, I wonder even if I still can."

"Where do you think the expression 'like riding a broomstick' came from?"

"Muggles say, 'like riding a bicycle."

"A bicycle?"

"I'm sure you've seen them. They are little contraptions with two wheels, handles, and you peddle... muggles use them for transportation."

"Oh, yeah, I know what you are talking about. I have seen them before. So riding a broom is like riding an icicle. Once you've learned how you never really forget. Come on," he said getting up.

"Huh?"

"We are going to the Quidditch pitch for..." He looked at his watch, "half an hour. After all that talk about flying I'm just itching to get on a broom."

"Huh?" she said again, looking confusedly at his proffered hand to help her up.

"Time is ticking Evans, I want to get to the pitch."

"Oh," she said, taking his hand and allowing herself to be pulled to her feet. "We'll be back soon, Mercury."

They walked at a brisk pace to the pitch, James because he was anxious to fly, and Lily for the sake of keeping up with her Professor. When they finally reached the pitch, James hissed "Damnation" under his breath.

"What is it?" Lily whispered uncertainly.

"It appears the pitch is already occupied. I'm not sure, but I think you would give them a 5 for creativity and a 9 for the 'amusement factor'." A soft moan carried through the darkness. "Make that a 10... for him anyway... God I hate doing this. You stay behind here, don't go anywhere," he ordered.

"Hate what?" she could help but ask, but he didn't answer, he was already walking towards the centre of the pitch. He let off a loud CRACK with his wand, and then lit it, presumably to better see his path, or perhaps to let the couple know where he was, now that he had made them aware of his presence. He would want to give them some time to make themselves decent. She couldn't make out any words, but she could distinguish different voices. Potter's deep voice and that of another male, higher in pitch, and that of a girl's, much higher in pitch. The conversation stopped and there was silence. She didn't hear the footsteps coming towards her until they were only a few feet away.

"I hate having to be a teacher all the time," he answered her question, as if no time had passed at all. "I probably just ruined a very romantic evening for those two, they had a basket, candles and everything, probably a picnic dinner under the stars..."

"Aww..."

"Exactly, and I'm the anal Professor who spoiled everything," he ranted, walking off towards the pitch again. Lily felt she had no choice but to follow him.

"Who was it?" she asked curiously.

"Mathews and Burrows."

"I didn't even know they were together... What did you say?"

"Took 20 points from Gryffindor and told them that if they were ever caught out after curfew again it would be 200 and detention every Saturday for the rest of the term."

"That's sounds harsh, but in reality, they got away with only 10 points each. Considering the transgression that's a very light punishment."

"That is definitely the worst part of being a teacher; having to reprimand and punish. It puts me in a bad mood. But oh well, I think I'll take Ophelia, you can have Viola."

"What?"

"Brooms, Evans. Brooms. Viola is actually a newer model than Ophelia."

"You have them here?"

"10, actually. Juliet, Cordelia, Ophelia, Viola, Beatrice, Portia, Helen, Cleopatra, Desdamona, and Hero. You get Viola," he said handing her a broom.

"Thanks, Shakespeare," she said taking the heroin of Twefth Night.

"It's my only muggle fetish I swear."

"You don't have to defend yourself for liking Shakespeare, or anything else that's muggle related."

"Just don't tell anyone." He laughed, but Lily wasn't amused.

"Why are you ashamed of it?"

"Because it's just not cool."

"Ok, because I like muggle music and wear muggle clothes and like muggle authors; does that make me less cool?"

"No, you're different, you are muggle born, brought up with muggles. For a pure blood to seek out muggle things is an embarrassment."

"Why? Because you are lowering yourself by liking muggle things?"

"No, that's not what I meant."

"You meant the liking muggle things is embarrassing."

"Exactly, but only among people without muggle parentage."

"You know something Professor Potter, you sound just like a Slytherin," she spat as she flew away, leaving James staring after her in shock.

Lily found that flying really was like riding a bike. She was a little shaky on the take off, but that might have been because of the force she had used in her temper. She had compared him to a Slytherin, but in fairness, not all Slytherins were pure blood supremacists, and she knew several racist people from all the houses. She had just compared him to a Slytherin because she knew that would get to him.  
The cold night air cooled temper as it bit at her cheeks and nose and ran up her arms and down her spine. The farther up she climbed, the farther the temperature seemed to drop, and the clearer she seemed to be able to see. She would have to apologize this time.

James snapped out of his trance a few moments later and darted off after her. She saw him approach and slowed down so he could catch up. He opened his mouth to speak but she cut him off.

"I'm sorry Professor, I lost my temper. It's not your fault that muggle things are unpopular, that's just how magical society is, I know that. And I shouldn't have called you a Slytherin; it was unfair to both you and Slytherins..."

"I'm sorry too. It was a thoughtless thing to say, I don't know why I did..."

"Because it's true. Believe me, Professor, I don't blame you for anything, I wasn't angry with you... just... with things in general."

"That muggle things are embarrassing?"

"Can I ask you a question, Professor?" she asked, not bothering to answer his.

"Of course."

"Would liking a muggle born be just as embarrassing? I want to know the truth. You are a pure blood, and I'm sure none of my friends would tell me the truth if they thought it would hurt my feelings."  
James tried to think of an appropriate answer. He knew several guys who used say that when the lights are out, you can't tell the difference between a pureblood and a muggle born, but still wouldn't exactly want to bring a muggleborn home to their parents. On the other hand, James knew just as many guys who wouldn't care at all either way. A witch was a witch.

"Some people would and others wouldn't."

"May I ask you another question?"

"Of course."

"Do you think that even those who wouldn't normally care might be tempted during these times with the rise of the dark lord, to put distance between themselves and their muggle born friends, for safety's sake?"

"Do you feel people have been doing that to you?" James asked, genuinely surprised. He hadn't even considered that before, that Voldermort's ascent to power might break up looser friendships.

"Since my parents' deaths, no one has invited me over to stay over the summer, thinking I'm a death eater magnet, having already attracted them twice. And I talked to Jimmy Davis; he says his friends' parents won't have him over anymore either."

"That's terrible."

"I don't blame them. It doesn't mean they hate muggleborns, they are only trying to protect their family." She suddenly started to chuckle sadly. "Looks like I will have to wait for a long time to fill that void."

"Not everyone is that cowardly, Evans. Some people will care for their muggle born friends despite the dark lord. As Dumbledore would say, love is a more powerful motivator than fear."

"Great man, Dumbledore..."

"You sound like Hagrid," James said, smiling for the first time since the conversation in the sky had begun.

"I meant to. You know, if you hadn't said 'as Dumbledore would say' that statement would have sounded incredibly cheesy. But somehow he can't be cheesy. Anything he says just sounds profound," she said, grinning back.

"Too bad for him to be taken seriously all the time. I enjoy a good bit of cheese in my life." James did a loop around her then spiralled down nearly to the ground before pulling up again and returning to her side.

"Pretty fancy flying there, Professor Potter," she said, beaming.

James flinched. The emotions brought about by her smile and her calling him 'Professor' seemed to conflict with one another. In this scenario, flying on brooms at a quarter to midnight, talking about love, hate, and the dark lord... stirred so many deep things in him... Any yet when he heard her call him Professor, it was as if he had flown into a brick wall, a brick wall that she had put between them.

He was reminded of the play within the play in _A Midsummer Night's Dream_, where the lovers could only whisper through a chink in the wall. He shook himself mentally, wondering why that scene had come to mind, it didn't relate to this situation at all.

They flew a few more laps before they had to descend and return to Hagrid's to feed Mercury.

"Thanks for the ride..." Lily said in low silky voice.

"What?" James asked, confused and interested at the same time.

"I was talking to Viola." She answered, trying not to laugh. "You should try thanking your broomstick every once in a while...It's only polite."

"Thanks for the ride, Ophelia," he said to his broom.

"Now it just sounds wrong when you say it," she joked.

"First you get onto me for not thanking her, and then you get onto me when I do. I just can't win, can I?"

"Apparently not. But you have to admit, it was funny."

"It was hilarious; I'm just not used to being the object of ridicule."

"No, I bet you were the one making the jokes..."

"That was me."

"Even at other people's expense..."

"Kids can be cruel. Luckily we grow up."

"Indeed... Hi Mercury! Are you hungry? I bet you are, come here boy... yes... good boy!" she said falling to her knees and putting her arms around Mercury, hugging and petting him.

It was difficult to watch Lily and Mercury and not smile, James thought. Both just looked so happy to be with each other.

"Could you hand me the bottle?" she asked him, interrupting his thoughts.

"Try summoning it without your wand," he said.

"What?"

"There's no reason why you shouldn't practice even whenever you can, even if we aren't technically in a lesson. Just do your best, see if you can do it."

"Alright." She closed her eyes in concentration for several moments, brow furrowed. She let out a sigh of frustration. "I can't."

"Try saying it aloud, it might help you concentrate," he suggested.

"_Accio bottle_!" she whispered, eyes still shut tight. The bottle still didn't come. She opened her eyes and glared at it. "_ACCIO BOTTLE_!" she commanded, very nearly shouting. The bottle zoomed toward her and she caught it with pride.

"Well done!" James said.

"I was afraid for a minute that it wasn't going to listen to me... but I got its attention in the end, just needed to intimidate it a bit." She laughed as she began feeding Mercury. "Not so fast, baby. Easy... take your time; you don't want to choke... That's it, good boy..." she cooed.

"He already seems so much stronger than he was yesterday..."

"Well, in fairness, he was badly injured when we found him, he has probably just recovered."

"Good thing too. He looks as if he only needs another month or so until he's weaned onto adult food and his coat turns fully silver... Unicorns grow quickly."

"Out of necessity I imagine."

"Probably," James said. He wondered if Lily had grown up more quickly than her peers, out of necessity. Had having lost her family force her mature faster? "Is he finished?"

"Seems like it. Yes, the bottle's empty."

"Shall we return to the castle?"

"Yes, my stomach is about to mutiny."

"To the kitchens then. I'll see you tomorrow Mercury."

"Bye boy, I'll see you soon."

This time it was James trying to keep up with Lily's pace. Her stomach was growling so loudly James swore it couldn't have been a Welsh Green about to attack. When the Hogwarts house elves asked what they wanted James asked for "an assortment of cheese for starters, and after that, roast turkey in cream sauce with a side of mash potatoes. A nice red wine for me and pumpkin juice for the lady."

The plate of cheese came first and they both took a piece.

"How is it?" she asked.

"Mmmm... tastes like truth."

"I was wondering if you meant that to be symbolic."

"What can I say, I'm deep."

"Yes, they often say that cheesy waters run deep."

When the main course was brought out, Lily ate it with delight.

"So rumour has it that _I'm_ your favourite teacher..." James said shamelessly.

"Where did you hear that?"

"I heard it through the grapevine..."

"Heard it through the pumpkin patch, more like."

"Are you accusing me of eavesdropping?" he asked, in mock offence.

"Are you denying it?"

"Only if you are accusing me."

"Then I won't accuse you. I'd hate to turn my favourite teacher into a liar..."

"Ah ha! So I _did_ hear you correctly."

"Ah ha! So you _were_ eavesdropping."

"I never denied it..."

"A technicality."

"But it's true all the same."

"And we both know how good you are with the truth... being older and wiser..."

"Exactly. I'm glad you've learned something today, Evans."

"Yes, I've learned that my Professor is arrogant know it all. Or at least he thinks he knows it all..."

"If I'm such an arrogant know it all then why am I your favourite?" he countered.

She stopped for a moment, trying to think of a reply. She decided that instead of a witty retort that would continue the playful banter, she would tell the truth.

"It's because you don't care about being a teacher, you just care about teaching. Out of the classroom as well as in it. You can tell by the way you structure your class, it's completely different from the other teachers. You aren't concerned about turning in, grading, and handing back papers, but you design your class so that the emphasis is actually making sure the students really learn... and I truly admire that."

"I'm touched, Evans."

"And it's not only that, you were kind to take time out to help me with Mercury, and extra wandless magic lessons, not to mention you showed me where the kitchens are..."

"Yes yes that's enough. You'll have me blushing in a moment."

"Just as well I stop. I'm finished now. I should probably go."

"But the night is still young!"

"Easier for you, you don't have to get up at the break of dawn... before the break of dawn, actually."

"True. Yes yes, it's past your bedtime. Off to bed with you Evans."

She shook her head in silent laughter at her fickle professor as they left the kitchens.

They parted ways at her portrait hole, and James went back to his office, pulled out the mirror and called for his best friend.

"Sirius." No response. "Sirius!"

His friend's face appeared in the mirror. "This had better be important... you do know what time it is?"

James glanced at his watch. "Nearly two. Were you sleeping?"

"No." He said crossly.

"Oh... erm... am I... interrupting?" he asked cautiously. Sirius sighed.

"No, not really. We were done anyway." He turned his face around as he spoke to someone else in the room. "You can go home now, hon. I'll owl you sometime."

"But Siri... it's 2 in the morning..." James heard her say.

"Well you know how to apparate, don't you?" James waited for another minute, during which time he imagined the girl was putting on her clothes and gathering her things. Then he turned back to face the mirror and said. "What's up, mate?"

"Aren't sorry to let this one go either?"

"No, I was trying to think of a way to get her out when I heard the mirror. Good timing mate, excellent excuse to tell her to bugger off."

"Speaking of dysfunctional relationships with women I sorted things with Evans."

"Did you now?" Sirius said with a knowing smirk on his face.

"Yes, well, we didn't talk about this afternoon, but definitely smoothed things over, but not before I made another mess..."

"What did you do..." He said, leaving off the understood 'this time'.

"I said liking muggle things was un cool..."

"And..."

"And she's a muggle born."

"I see... so our little Lily flower didn't like that, did she?"

"Not really no, in fact she called me a Slytherin and flew away."

"Ouch."

"Yeah."

"You said she flew?"

"We were on the pitch, she was on Viola."

"I remember Viola, good times... she was the one you got in fourth year, right?"

"That's the one."

"Good year."

"True."

"So what were you doing flying together?"

"Well, we still had half an hour before feeding, and we were talking about Quidditch, and I just had to get on a broom. Couldn't leave her alone so had to take her with me. There was a couple shagging on the pitch before we got there, damned awkward business, that..."

Sirius let out another bark of laughter. "So you shagged Evans then?"

"No!" James shouted.

"Give it time mate..."

"Stop Sirius, she's a student."

"A student you called me at 2 am to talk about..."

"Yes, but..."

"Naw, I'm just teasing. So how did you smooth things over?"

"Well we had a great talk about her parents' death and her being lonely and being treated coldly for being a muggle born in these dark, blood-conscious times."

"So you talked about her _feelings_?" Sirius asked, voice dripping with mockery.

"Look, I didn't mirror you so you could bust my balls."

"Sorry mate, continue."

"Anyway, at dinner in the kitchens she said that I was her favourite teacher."

"You'd be my favourite too, mate. Save dear Minnie, of course."

"Of course." James nodded.

"Give Minerva my kindest regards, would you?"

"I will."

"So... what are you planning on doing next?"

"Next?"

"With Evans?"

"I'm not _planning_ on doing _anything_ with Evans except to continue to help her and try not to piss her off anymore."

"Sounds like an excellent plan."

"I thought so. And another thing."

"Yes?"

"Tomorrow, let's stay in Hogsmeade for the first half of the night. No going into Hogwarts until after 1, and I have to clear off a bit before dawn."

"Alright. Any particular reason?"

"Lily and Hagrid will be out at midnight with the unicorn, and I have to pick her up for the dawn feeding."

"Ah. Of course the reason has to do with Evans."

"What do you mean, of course?"

"I mean that she is all you ever talk about lately."

"That's not true."

"Ok, it's not entirely true... but it almost is. Don't deny it. Night Prongs." His friend said, ending the conversation before James could even try to deny it, which, he was sure, had been Sirius's intent.

"Night Padfoot..." He murmured instead after his friend's face had already vanished from the mirror.


	5. In which one secret of many is revealed

Even though it was only for a few hours, Lily slept quite well and woke up feeling remarkably energetic. After the morning feeding with Hagrid, Lily spent the entire day in the library doing the entire week's homework, save some charms practice and a potions essay. She had stopped by Potter's office that afternoon to make good on her detention he had given her yesterday, and was relieved to find he wasn't there... perhaps he had forgotten about it; _she_ nearly had.

James was in the shrieking shack that afternoon with Remus, Peter, and Sirius. Sundown wasn't for another hour yet, but they always met early these days, because they didn't have as much time to see each other anymore, now they all had work, save Remus, who was still in between jobs.

"Oy! Prongs!" Sirius yelled.

"Huh?"

"I just asked you a question about classes. What's with you? You've been out of it all afternoon." Remus remarked.

"Daydreaming about sweet smelling flowers I expect..." Sirius said raising an eyebrow at his best friend. It had been a not so subtle hint about Lily, and James was grateful that only Sirius knew about her.

"Lessons are fine. In fact, when I retire from being an Auror I might consider a job teaching."

"Why did the Ministry place you at Hogwarts anyway? Do they really consider it to be threatened?"

"Well, we've already had an incident with death eaters on campus."

"Really? When?" Peter asked.

"3 days ago." He replied. Had it really only been three days ago that he had left his lesson to find Lily in the forest with Mercury? Had all that happened in just 3 days? "But I can't really talk about it. Ministry stuff, you know."

"Does anyone at Hogwarts know you are an auror?"

"Dumbledore, of course."

"Of course." The other three chimed.

"And McGonagall and Hagrid, but I think that's it."

"Head Girl still in the dark?"

"Padfoot..." James said warningly.

"What's this?" Remus asked curiously.

"Prongsie's favourite student."

"What exactly does that mean?" Remus asked patiently, completely ready to believe that Sirius was blowing things out of proportion again.

"The Head Girl was the one to discover the existence of the Death Eaters when she adopted an orphaned unicorn. Now I have to accompany her every night to feed the thing, and Dumbledore assigned me to help her with using wandless magic. So, I've been forced to spend a lot of time with her the past few days, and it looks like I will continue to for a while."

"I see." Said Remus. James thanked his friend for not pressing the matter. Remus's mind wasn't as perverted as Sirius's, and wouldn't automatically assume he was trying to bed the girl.

"Because of that, I have to leave in a bit, but I'll be back a half an hour after sundown. Can you stay here or should we meet somewhere?"

"Outside the shack." Remus answered.

"Perfect. Right then, I have to go feed a unicorn."

"Take your time!" Sirius said cheekily.

"Shut up, Padfoot." James and Remus said at the same time, James more angrily so.

With those words, James got up out of the armchair whose stuffing was sticking out of the cushions. He picked off a bit a fluff that had clung to his robes and flicked it to the ground. Since he had been 16, he found using the passageway from the shrieking shack to the whomping willow too uncomfortable. Even crouched over double he still always managed to hit his head a few times on the low ceiling. Not only that, but there was always the conspicuous business of pressing the knot on the base of the willow and crawling out. It was bad enough during the night, but he was exceptionally nervous stopping the willow during daylight.

He reached the end of the passage, and poked his head out.

"Damn." He said. A group of what looked to be sixth years were all walking about the grounds, looking as if they were coming from the lake to the castle. James would have to wait for a few minutes until they entered the castle... except that the girls didn't enter the castle, they sat down on the steps

"Come on, move!" He growled.

They didn't, however, and the minutes dragged on, the sun getting lower and lower in the sky. James was becoming increasingly impatient. He had to meet Evans in the next ten minutes. Feeling like he had no choice, he pushed himself out of the hole, and made a rolling dive through the flailing branches. He felt a sharp whip on his side, and he flipped in mid air, landing on the ground out of range of the malevolent arbour. He stood and brushed himself off, suppressing the urge to groan in pain. He realised his glasses and fallen off and he summoned them quickly, hoping that they weren't broken beyond the point a little reparo spell couldn't fix. He put the frames on, glad to find that they were in better shape than he was himself.

He hazarded a glance towards the group of students sitting on the front steps. They were all goggling at him, mouths agape.

"Evening ladies." He said as he walked passed, not pausing even for a moment to satisfy their curious, questioning stares.

Taking the steps two at a time he bounded up the staircase to the landing, finding himself in front of the Head Girl's room. When he saw a group of students he found that he kept going, walking right past the portrait hole. Once the students had gone he backtracked to her room and whispered the password and entered quickly. He knew that he was ordered by Dumbledore himself to come here, yet he knew he didn't want other students to know, nor did he think Lily would appreciate it either. He knew what 17 year old girls were like, and he knew his effect on them. It would only take one student to say one little comment to someone like Victoria White for vicious jealous rumours to start. James knew that girls in his 7th, 6th, 5th, and even in the 4th year classes vied for his attention. Girls hadn't changed since he had been in school. He remembered how all through 6th and 7th year, girls were constantly fighting each other for him... and even though he wasn't as arrogant and cocky as he was back then, he wasn't going to deny the truth either. Woman had always flung themselves at him, fought each other for him. Even now he got requests every week from female students requesting extra help from him after class... Not sure which ones were genuine and which ones just wanted his attention he had agreed to help them all... as if he weren't busy enough already. He hadn't a single evening free anymore...

"Hold on just a moment..." Evan's voice floated from her room permeating his thoughts.

"Take you time." He said, then wanted to hit himself, reminded that that was exactly what Sirius had said to him a half hour ago. Lily appeared from her room a moment later shrugging an arm into her cloak and fastening it in the front. She took a look towards the window outside, brow furrowing slightly at the position of the sun.

"Shall we hurry then?" She suggested.

"Sorry I was late, I..."

"It's alright. You are here now." She said with an easy smile. She brushed some grass and twigs off his back and side as she stepped passed him through the portrait hole. James followed behind her a few paces the whole way there, so that the people who passed wouldn't think they were walking together. He knew it would be unavoidable once they went outside to Hagrid's, and he hoped that the group on the steps outside had finally gone inside.

He heaved a sigh of relief when they went outside to find that the grounds were free from straggling students.

"Strange, Hagrid's not at home." Lily said after knocking on the door to no effect.

"Must be off on the grounds." James said, shrugging.

"Still I hoped to see him."

"You saw him this morning, didn't you?"

"Of course but..." She stopped short, feeling slightly embarrassed. Then, after a moment of contemplation she continued, knowing that she needn't be ashamed to tell Professor Potter something he would certainly understand. "I always enjoy spending time with a friend..."

She was half correct. He did understand her sentiments towards spending time with friends. To James, friends were the most important thing in his life. He would give his life for them. Yes, he put his life on the line for something he believed in, his job, for example, but he truly loved his friends.

What he didn't catch, however, was that she counted him among them. In the past few days, she found that she felt she could open up to him, trust him. She wanted him to consider her one of his friends, but she knew better than to hope for that. They might have a special sort of student/teacher relationship, but that was still all that they were... a student and teacher.

Mercury was happy to see her, and she couldn't help but smile at him. She took the bottle from its place on the back step and went back to a hungry looking Mercury.

Within a few moments, the Head Girl and Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor were joking and laughing as usual. James and Lily lost track of time as the conversation changed and deepened.

"My father worked for the ministry. He was an unspeakable."

"How mysterious."

"Even for his family. He took his job so seriously he never told mum or I even the slightest hint about what he did."

"Was that difficult for your mother?"

"Hm?"

"I mean, knowing that her husband kept so much from her. Was it difficult that there was half of his life he wouldn't share with her? I mean, it would put so much distance between you, if you spend 10 hours a day apart, and for the remaining 6 or so hours you have together you can't even be open with each other..."

"It was hard for both of us... My father was a good man, don't get me wrong. Very warm and caring, but it was difficult when people would pop in the fireplace in the middle of the night and he would have to leave without a word of explanation, or sometimes he would just become all quiet and serious, spending long times alone in the library... He tried not to let work effect his life at home with us but it did. I remember how when it was obvious when dad came home that he had had a hard day or bad day at work... but he couldn't tell us about it, and I know that my mother felt so helplessly frustrated, and often cried."

"Did they meet before or after he started working for the Ministry?"

"Oh ages before. They started seeing each other while they were still in Hogwarts. Started dating in 5th year and were together ever since."

"That's rare nowadays isn't it... for people to last that long, especially when starting out so young."

"Yes, but they were meant to be. Even though they had their problems they loved each other, it was obvious. Mum begged and pleaded with the Ministry to tell her, but they refused to give us any information about his death. She's had a grudge against the Ministry ever since. She didn't like it at all when I became an auror, said I was going to end up just like my father."

Lily looked at him in shock and he realised the tremendous mistake he had just made. He couldn't say anything only look at her dumbly as her expression changed from shock to glowing admiration.

"You are an auror? Really an auror?" She didn't wait for a response. "That's what I'm training for when I get out of Hogwarts. McGonagall says I have the grades for it but she wasn't very specific about what other requirements I need to be taking into consideration. I'm so glad I have someone who actually _knows_. What was the training like? I know that basic training takes a few years but after that what kind of positions are available in the rest of the department? Do you know Alastor Moody?"

James was both amused and despondent by her reaction. He wanted nothing more than to answer all her questions, tell her everything she could possibly want to know about being an auror, and he was slightly proud of her, happy that she wanted to catch dark wizards. He didn't blame her, after what happened to her parents. But he knew that he shouldn't technically tell her anything, he shouldn't have let it slip in the first place.

"Actually, I shouldn't have said anything in the first place... I... I forgot myself I suppose... I..."

"No, it's ok. You can obliviate me if you need to..." She said with almost unbelievable understanding.

"I'm sorry..."

"It's fine. I'm sure you father slipped up a few times too and had to erase your mother's memory every so often. It's just a necessary part of your job..." She said sadly.

James froze as her statement sunk in. How could his father obliviate his mother? So cold and cruel a gesture on a woman so kind and accepting. Who would his mother have told? His father meant the world to her. He would never...

And yet, deep in the recesses of James's mind he knew it was true.

"You are right... He did..." He said, sounding shocked himself. A memory from when he was a child came back to him with startling clarity. James had been sitting at his bedroom door, his ear pressed up against the crack so he could hear his parents' conversation downstairs.

"Harold, I just want to help you. You don't always have to go through everything alone. That's why we have each other, to support and help one another."

"Christine, we've had this discussion a hundred times."

"But I can't stand to see you suffer like this. All the time, walking around with what seems like the weight of the world on your shoulders, and I can't do anything to ease the burden! What good am I to you if I can't even..." She didn't finish her sentence because she broke out into a fit of sobs.

"You do help. You. You and James help me get through the day. Knowing you are both here waiting for me is the greatest help anyone could ever give."

"But is it enough?"

"I don't need anymore than you."

"But what if I need more? There is so much of you I don't have, a huge part of you that belongs to the Ministry alone. I'm tired of them having more of you than me. I'm the one who loves you, James and I..."

"I know, I know..."

"So what can I do? What happens when you can't even talk to your own wife about what's bothering you?"

"I have. Years ago your told me that if it ever becomes too much, I can always talk things through with you, and then modify your memory."

"I did?"

"Yes, but obviously you don't remember. Over the years I have told you so many secrets, Christine. So many secrets that no one should ever know."

"And you've always erased my memory afterwards..." She said, accepting this readily. How else could they stay together? It made sense to her that they did communicate, and she just never remembered it.

"I always gave you a choice whether or not to keep your memories..."

"But I chose not to... if I learned that the reality was worse than my fears for you then I would welcome forgetfulness..."

"Christine..."

"Was I helpful at least? When you confided in me?"

"You are a pillar of strength for me. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you so much."

"I love you too..." Then came the sound of a loving kiss and both of them walking upstairs past his room and into their own bedroom.

The James in the present day thought that it was terrible for his father to keep erasing away important parts of their relationship, but that's the way his mother had wanted it apparently. Who knew whether or not that conversation had continued, and her memory was erased later... and she was, to this day, unaware that his father had confided in her the whole time... James made a mental note to discuss this with her. He found it strange that he only just now remembered that. Had it not been for Lily's suggestion that...

That was right. Lily had offered to let him erase her memory. His father had always given his mother a choice, he said, be she had chosen to forget. Lily had said that he could obliviate her if it were necessary, but it was clear that she didn't want to forget. James knew that he wouldn't be able to erase the girl's memory like his father had done to his mother who knew how many times.

James looked into her eyes. They were determined and an almost impossible shade of green. He decided right then and there.

"No. I won't erase your memory. I'm choosing to trust you instead, do you understand? That if you aren't obliviated you promise that you will not tell another soul, living or dead?"

Many people confided in the Hogwarts ghosts, thinking that they are no longer part of this world, and are therefore safe to confide to, but Lily knew otherwise. A good quarter of information she received in the way of gossip was from Nearly Headless Nick and the Gray Lady... not to mention the rumour monger himself, Peeves the Poltergeist.

"Not a word. Not to a soul." She said in that same still, deadly calm, deadly serious voice, and James knew she meant it. At that point he had no idea just how well she was capable of keeping secrets...

"Alright."

"Thank you, for trusting me... I didn't fancy the idea of losing my memory."

"And I didn't fancy taking it away. I didn't want to become my father, continually having to modify memories..." Even to those he should be able to confide in... "And to answer your questions... Yes, I know Alastor Moody, he's probably the best auror in the Ministry, I've worked with him before. And the options in the criminal justice field vary from desk jobs to field agents and everything in between. Training takes at least two years, but the only preparation you need beforehand is academic. Your Hogwarts education is all, but it helps to be in shape before you start, because physical training is one of the many aspects of training, along with stealth, concealment, defence, duelling, and thorough understanding of the dark arts, law enforcement, healing, and just about everything else you can possibly think of..." He said. This information wasn't at all a secret. The ministries training programme outline was public information, so he felt no guilt in telling her that. The only thing wrong was that she knew _he_ knew first hand.

Her smile shone warmly as he recounted stories about training and a disastrous prank he and some of the other trainees had tried to play on Mad Eye. They learned quickly that Mad Eye did not have a sense of humour, and Moody would perceive a simple prank as a possible attempt on his life, which ended up with James and the others nearly being blasted to bits by an overly defensive Moody.

He found he was growing addicted that that admiring and glowing smile of hers, and he kept telling story after story so that it would stay there.

At some point, Hagrid came back, finding both head student and professor lying down in his back garden with Mercury.

"Hagrid! I was wondering where you were..."

"Oh, you know, just... wanderin round... had some things to discuss with the centaurs..."

"I see."

"Yea, should have picked a better time to do it. They are always jumpy and mistrustful during the full moon, they say it's a time of bad luck..." Hagrid said.

Full moon. Merlin, he had actually forgotten!

As if on cue, a long low howl sounded in the distance.

"I'm late!" James said, standing up. "I forgot about a meeting. Hagrid, you can mind Evans can't you?"

James fastened his cloak around him and left before he even got an answer. He was nearly 2 hours late. Sirius was going to have a field day this time... He could hear his friends taunting voice now...'When I said take your time I didn't mean spend the entire evening shagging the Head Girl...'

Taking a bit of a risk, he simply went around to the side of the cabin, out of view of the castle, Hagrid and Evans, and transformed into a stag. He did his best to keep his footfalls quiet until he was out of hearing range of the hut, then he bolted towards the shrieking shack...

Lily stayed at Hagrid's so she could talk with him and keep Mercury company, she seemed incapable of not smiling. He had trusted her with an important secret. They now had yet another thing that tied them together, something else that separated her from everyone else. Now it wasn't just her who could confide and trust, but he too confided and trusted _her_. Perhaps the idea of a friendship wasn't all that farfetched.

"You seem happy, Lily." Hagrid said.

"I think I am..." She replied, not bothering to elucidate any further. Nor did Hagrid ask her to; he had his own suspicions... "So what did the centaurs have to say?"

"No good. Like I said I should have picked a better day. They won't budge; say that the forest is just as much theirs as it is anyone else's."

"Which is completely true." She said fairly.

"I know that, and they know I know that, but they don't seem to understand the danger. They think that they are free from 'human conflicts' and don't see how it can effect them. Don't want to help protect the other creatures in the forest either."

"So they are taking an isolationist standpoint..."

"Yeh, for now. Wait until they hear about those killings. You know who doesn't just kill people, but magical beasts with the intelligence to help him but don't also die..."

"Do you think the dark lord would actually approach the centaurs to join him?"

"Can't say, but you can bet he's trying to get all the vampires and werewolves on his side, and I'd say there are a few round these parts..."

"Perhaps we can try again in a week or two."

"You aren't young anymore... they won't want to listen to you this time..."

"I know, but now I have him..." Lily said, stroking Mercury's gilt coat.


	6. In Which a Werewolf Dines of Venison

From some far off clock, he heard the hour strike three a.m. It was long after midnight, Lily should be back safe in the castle and it would be safe to go to Hogwarts now.

The wolf, rat, dog, and stag left Hogsmeade where they had spent the first part of the night and made their rowdy way back to the school they knew so well and loved so much. As they approached the castle area he saw a doe. He realised it was the same doe from the day before and Mercury was with her, running back and forth, to and from the lake. Dread filled him as he felt Remus tense up excitedly before a hunt.

No! James thought. Not Lily's baby. "Moony no! Padfoot, stop him!" Too late, the werewolf was already sprinting toward the deer and baby unicorn. The doe seemed to realise their danger and told Mercury to run, quickly to the castle as she followed behind. The werewolf was too quick for them though. The deer wheeled around and faced the werewolf, placing herself between Moony and the unicorn.

Werewolves are only a danger to people... but claws and teeth can still kill a deer... she thought. Mercury was far along now, so she decided to run after him, trying to put as much distance between her and the werewolf as she could. She could hear the pounding feet and panting breath of the beast behind her, drawing in closer and closer until he was right behind her.

James saw Moony take down the deer in one pounce, biting savagely the poor creature's left shoulder. Better the deer than the unicorn, James thought. In an effort to get Remus away from the poor dying deer, James convinced Sirius and Peter to come back into the forest, so Remus would follow them, leading him away from Mercury. They darted off into the forest and sure enough, a few minutes later, Remus was with them, running away from Hogwarts castle. James was relieved to see that the blood smeared across the werewolf's jaw was crimson, and not silver... Mercury was safe.

Lily lay on the ground, unable to get up. Mercury came back over to her, nudging her, encouraging her to get to her feet, but he was unsuccessful. She changed back into a human, thinking that she only needed two legs to walk as a person, and both her legs were fine, but after she transformed she passed out from the exhaustion and pain, only a few steps away from the castle doors.

"Padfoot do you think you can handle Moony for a while? I want to go check on the unicorn..." James said. Even though Mercury had escaped Moony's attack, he was still out of the protection of his pen, and James wanted to make sure he got back in safely so nothing else could happen to him.

"Yeah mate."

"Shall I go too Prongs?"

"No Wormtail, you stay with Moony and Padfoot."

James cantered out of the forest and onto the grounds, scanning for that gilt coat. If anything happened to Mercury Lily would be crushed... Lily! His eyes seeing something his brain refused to register as real. He saw her, Lily, lying down on the steps to the castle, with Mercury next to her, still nudging her trying to get her to wake up. Mercury looked over toward the stag, and pleaded that James help his mother. James transformed back into a person and sprinted the rest of the way to her.

"Lily! LILY!" He yelled, kneeling down next to her. The moonlight shined bright enough that he could see blood everywhere, but it was too dark and too widespread to see where it was coming from. "LILY!"

She groaned and opened her eyes slowly, saying weakly. "Professor?"

"I'm here. I'm taking you to the hospital wing, you'll be alright."

"Mercury? Is he alright? The werewolf... I tried to stop him..."

James's eyes widened in horror. Lily had been bitten by Remus? When? He hadn't seen her at all... he had only been out of his sight for a few minutes...But of course, it would only have taken a few minutes... His stomach dropped right out when he reached the inevitable conclusion, Evans would now be a werewolf...

Mercury nosed Lily's cheek. "Oh, there you are..." She said, her voice so weak and unsteady James was afraid she would pass out at any moment. What should he do? Take her to the hospital wing and say what? That he and his friends, including a werewolf were out at night and a student, who was also out at night, was attacked? What had she been doing out so late anyway? "Professor? Can Mercury come with me to my room?"

"You need to go to the hospital wing."

"No!" She said with a bit more energy. "No, I'm fine, I just need to rest."

"You are bleeding everywhere Evans! And you've been bitten by a werewolf!"

"Fine. I'll go by myself." She said, trying to push herself up. But she cried out in pain and fell to the ground.

Her half conscious mind reviewed the events of that evening. She was playing with Mercury, and then a werewolf, a large black dog and a large stag had appeared. They had called the werewolf Moony, the dog, Padfoot, and the stag, Prongs... she had heard those names before... or read them somewhere...

Now she was lying on the ground, unable to get up on her own. She couldn't go to the hospital wing, she knew that. How could she explain the werewolf bite wouldn't affect her without being thrown in Azkaban for being an illegal animagus?

"Not the hospital wing... please. Just help me and Mercury to my room... please..."

James was torn on whether or not to take her to the hospital wing or not. He decided to humour her, and take her to her room like she asked, and then taken to the hospital wing later, perhaps while she was asleep.

James wanted to vomit. He had ruined Lily Evans, turned her into a werewolf. It was his fault, and Remus would hate himself too. Remus, who was tortured enough, now sweet Lily Evans would know that same agony, go through the same monthly torment. Would she age quickly too? Would grey hairs soon show in those beautiful red locks? Would she walk around with bags under her eyes during the full moon? Would she lose weight? Look pale and sick all the time?

At least Remus had had loving parents and friends to help him through. Who did Lily have?

"She will have me." James told himself... "If she could ever forgive me..."

He summoned his invisibility cloak from his office and threw it over Evans. He levitated her off the stairs and was going to take her to her room that way, but when he saw that she was leaving droplets of blood trailing her, he knew he needed to come up with another plan.

"Evans, where are you hurt?"

"My... back..."

"Can you stand? If I help you can you walk?"

"Yes... I think so... Mercury?"

"He's fine; you have to focus on yourself now. Ok? Listen to me. I'm going to help you up now. 1... 2... 3... up." He said. He placed his arm behind her, so that his elbow was cradling her neck, careful not to touch her back, because she didn't specify where on her back she was hurt. "We have to stand now, alright?" He took her left arm and put it around his shoulder and tried to hoist her up, but she let out a shriek of pain and he stopped.

"Other side..." She said softly. Obediently, he took her right arm and put it around him and pulled her to her feet. Slowly they walked up the stairs. "Come Mercury." She commanded unnecessarily. The little unicorn would have followed anyway. He quickly put a disillusionment charm on Mercury so he would blend in with his surroundings, and he threw the cloak over himself and Lily.

Carefully they made their way up a flight of stairs and towards the Head Girl's room.

"_Vigilance_." James whispered, and the portrait obligingly swung forward.

He carried her across the common room toward the bedroom. He noticed that the couch and armchair was pushed aside against the wall, and a large circular pattern was drawn on the floor. A pattern he himself, along with Padfoot and Wormtail had drawn 8 years ago for Moony's sake...

"Bloody hell is she an animagus too?" He thought to himself. Hope bloomed in his chest, if she had been an animagus when Remus bit her then she wouldn't turn into a werewolf... But his heart fell again. If the design is still in place on the floor than it probably means she hasn't used it yet, or has no intention of using it. Perhaps she is just doing a project for Transfiguration... she had mentioned something like that...

They passed through the common room and into her bed room. She undid her cloak and let it fall to the ground. She sat down on her bed, leaning her head against the head board, trying to unbutton her blouse with one hand. "Help." She whimpered.

Feeling that teacher-ly conduct could be forgotten momentarily for the sake of the young girl's life, he started undoing the buttons of her blouse.

"Help me out of it."

As delicately as he could, he pulled the blouse away from her, pulling it down off her arms. He noticed that it was soaked in blood, but there were no actual rips or tears in the fabric. Once freed from her blouse she fell face down on the bed so that he could take a good look at the wound. It wasn't pretty, but not nearly as bad as it could have been... He and Sirius had acquired several such wounds in the past... and the lack or tears in the shirt... could it be because that Moony's fangs had pierced animal flesh and not Evans's robes?

Not just animal flesh, James realised. _Deer flesh._ Oh please Merlin let her be that doe, let her be an animagus!

"Is Mercury still here?"

"He's in the common room." James said, pulling down the left bra strap to uncover the wound and perform the same healing spells he had used on Sirius and Peter countless times. "There, I think that's all for now. You know you really would be better off in the hospital wing. Why won't you let me take you?"

"The same reason, I expect, you would refuse to go if you were in my position..."

"What do you mean?" James asked. Lily got up and faced him.

"How would _you_ explain that you won't turn into a werewolf without revealing _your_ status as an unregistered animagus?"

The two uppermost emotions James was experiencing in that moment was bafflement and joyous relief.

"You _**are**_ a... and you knew I was a... but how... Oh thank Merlin!" He said pulling her into him for a hug. He avoided her left shoulder, but held her head against his shoulder, stroking her hair.

For a few moments, Lily just sat there and allowed herself to be held. She needed to be held just then. During the trip back to her room she had remembered why Moony, Prongs, and Padfoot had sounded so familiar. They were the nicknames of a group called the Marauders. They had been in seventh year when she was in her first. They were famous, every single member. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, and James Potter...

The great black dog had been Padfoot, or Sirius, the werewolf was Remus Lupin, called Moony, and Professor Potter had been the Stag, Prongs. It all made sense. Knowing that Professor Potter was an illegal animagus made it so much easier for her to convince him not to take her to the hospital wing... him being an illegal animagus too...

"How did you know?"

"He called you Prongs, that black dog. I heard. Prongs was your nickname in school... Poor Remus Lupin... How long has he been a werewolf?"

"Since he was a small boy... when Wormtail, Padfoot and I found out in second year, we decided to become animagi to keep him company during his transformations..."

She had liked Remus when they had been in school at the same time. He had been her tutor, and she didn't know single soul as thoughtful or as kind as he. Lily was touched at the lengths his friends had gone for him. She knew she had no friends that would do something so nice for her... no one who loved her that much. Unable to stop those heartbreaking thoughts, she started crying. "That's the nicest thing I've ever heard anyone do for someone else..." She sobbed.

"Shh..." James said, rocking her back and forth, still holding her against him, the skin on her bare back warm against his hand. She clung to his robes and curled herself in closer to him. He was so warm, and his deep voice reverberated in his chest, a gentle vibration against her ear, the way it was when her father used to tuck her in and read to her at night...

The exhaustion caught up with her again, and after a few minutes of silently being held, she fell asleep.

After she started dozing James gingerly place her down on the bed. It was a cool early November night and she was only wearing a bra and skirt. Since she was lying on top of the covers, he removed his own Hogwarts cloak and spread it over her.

She would be alright now. Part of him wanted to stay with her, but he needed to go back to the others. He needed to talk to them right now.

Lily awoke an hour or so later. Professor Potter was no longer there. The room was dark and cold, as if he had taken the light and warmth with him. She sat up, and drew her knees to her chest, the pain in her shoulder now a dull burn, tolerable and easy to ignore. Whatever spells he had used they had been effective to say the least. She assumed he must have had a lot of practice with them, after spending every month for the past 8 years doing this sort of thing. She shivered and pulled the... around her even tighter. It wasn't her cloak, Potter must have put it over her after she fell asleep.

A gentle tap came from her window, the sound of an owl's beak demanding entrance. She opened the window and a large barn owl hopped in, holding out a leg to her. She removed the note attached and read it as the owl hopped back to the sill and flew back out into the night.

_I won't be able to come back before dawn. Don't even THINK about going down to Hagrid's by yourself. You and Mercury stay right where you are; just summon the formula from your room. I'll be back as soon as I can. _

_James Potter_

Lily smiled weakly to herself and put the note in her bedside table drawer, not sure why she wanted to keep it. She opened the door that lead to her common room to find Mercury curled up right by the door. When he felt it open he looked up, eyes brightening at the sight of her.

"I'm sorry Mercury, I fell asleep. Feeding time is in an hour or so, alright?"

Mercury snorted in agreement and Lily smiled at him. She thought perhaps she would get a blaze going in the fireplace, to warm up the place a bit. With a simple spell, the logs were alight and giving off warmth and light. The couch was still moved to the far end of the room. She looked down to the ground to admire her transfiguration array one last time before she erased it and moved the couch magically back into place.

Something silvery caught her eye as the couch scooted towards the fireplace. It felt almost like liquid cloth in her grasp as she picked it up. Then she remembered the cloak that James had thrown over them both to get back up to her room. Her hand vanished as it went into the fabric and she breathed out an impressed sort of whistle.

"An invisibility cloak... A real one... I didn't know ones of this quality actually existed..." She carefully folded it up and took it to her room, where she placed it in her bedside table drawer as well, to be sure it wouldn't get damaged.

_Accio Mercury's formula!_ She thought. Moments later, a bottle came whooshing into the room from the open window. It wasn't time to feed him yet, so she put the bottle on the night stand and grabbed her school bag and took it into her living room. Seeing as how it was still an hour or two before sunrise she might as well get some homework done.

The stag dashed through the forest looking for his friends. They could be anywhere, Hogsmeade or miles away by now, James thought. He couldn't even hear or smell them. Good old Padfoot had certainly done his job when James told him to get Moony out of there. Knowing he wouldn't find them soon, James decided to make a stop by the owlery before waiting for his friends to return to the shrieking shack. Rather than stopping the whomping willow, and crouching down on hand and knees in human form, he decided that as a stag he would walk to Hogsmeade, and enter the shack from there.

To his dismay, he didn't encounter his friends on the way, nor were they back at the shack yet when he arrived. He transformed back into a human. Pacing felt better on two legs rather than four. Striding back and forth the length of the shabby dilapidated room he tried to organize his thoughts, but found it impossible. They were one huge tangled mess, one thought and one emotion impossible to extricate from another. The well inside of him was so full in his chest that no amount of pacing gave him any relief or clarity.

What seemed like ages later, James heard the sounds of a wolf, a dog, and a rat entering through the front passage, and transformed back into a stag. His friends pranced in, chuckling in their respective animal like ways. James stood stock still, not in the mood in the least for laughter or revelry.

"Prongs!" Siruis conveyed in his doggish mannerisms. "Where did you go?"

James stomped one hoof on the wooden floor and snorted, he was serious and he wanted everyone to know it.

"What's wrong Prongs?" Peter squeaked.

"Wait." James said. "Wait until Moony's changed back, it won't be long..."

It wasn't long. Not a minute after he said that did Remus start the painful transformation back into a human. Weak and exhausted, he collapsed on the floor.

"Come on Moony, up you get." Said Sirius, who had changed back into his usual handsome self and was now helping Lupin to an upright sitting position. "Now, mate, what did you want to say?"

"It's over." James said solemnly.

"What?"

"These monthly outings. I'm sorry Moony, but no more. It's too dangerous and we've been stupid to have let it go on this long. We've had too many close calls and I draw the line here and now. We all knew it would have to stop one day and that day is today."

"What for? Come on Prongs don't be such a..."

"No! I'm done." James said leaving the other three in irritated confusion.

James stormed down the hall. The other three looked at each other questioningly. Sirius nodded silently and went after him. "Prongs, mate, easy there... Wait up."

James wheeled around and to face his best friend. "It was Lily. Remus attacked Lily last night."

Sirius's face darkened. "Oh no... Moony, he'll..."

"Don't tell him. I don't want him to know, but let's just end this once and for all."

"Ok mate. I understand."

"Thanks Padfoot." There was a moment of silence as they both patted each other on the shoulder in a sort of combination of a hug and a hand shake. Then Sirius broke the silence.

"You lo..._care_ for her don't you?"

"What?"

"Lily Evans. You don't want to because she is a student and off limits, but you do."

"Damn it, Sirius."

"I'm not taking the piss out of you, alright. I know how much it must kill you to have to fight it, and especially after last night..."

"Stop it Padfoot."

"I will stop, if you stop lying to yourself. You owe it to both of you to be honest..." Sirius said before turning and walking away.

"Damn you, Sirius..." James said quietly. And even more quietly added, "And damn me too..."


	7. Conversations out of Necessity

When he entered the Head Girl's room half an hour later, he found Lily and Mercury cuddled together on the couch asleep in front of the fire. James smiled to himself at the cute scene. A beautiful young girl and a beautiful young unicorn, wrapped up in a cloak entirely too big for them, sleeping peacefully. Not wanting to disturb them, he drew an armchair to the fire and picked up and essay she had been working on.

"Potions... blegh." He murmured under his breath. _An Essay on the Varied Uses of Unicorn Blood. _He read it through and was impressed. Lily Evans was a better potions master than he would ever be. No wonder Slughorn loved her so much.

Mercury seemed to have heard him and had awoken, knocking over his empty formula bottle to step over to James. He didn't approach him all the way. He still maintained his distance the way he did with everyone who wasn't Lily, but he got closer than he ever had before. James seemed to understand that this was the young one's way of expressing gratitude for having saved his mother.

James looked over the unicorn's head at Lily. The cloak had been disarranged when Mercury got off, and now her bare skin was exposed, along with the same bloodied bra she had been wearing. For the sake of decency he went to her and folded the cloak back over her, covering her completely.

Kneeling so close to her he could help but notice. Even though at the moment it was distressingly pale and bloodless, her cheek looked so smooth and soft, and her hair so silky and flowing. Without realizing it he brushed the hair away from her face and caressed that cheek with his thumb.

He recoiled quickly, as if his hand had just burned, remembering what Sirius had said.

"I don't love her." James thought to himself. "Yes I care for her safety but that isn't love. She is talented and clever, probably my most favourite pupil, but that doesn't mean I love her. I would have reacted the same way had it been any other student tonight..." Except if it had been any other student but Lily Evans there would be a new werewolf in the hospital wing, and he and Remus would be eaten alive by guilt. If it had been any other student but Lily Evans he wouldn't have thought twice about taking them to the hospital wing instead of doing as they wished instead. If it had been any other student but Lily Evans he wouldn't have felt the wrenching of his heart at the sight of the bloodied body on the ground. But it wasn't any other student. It _was_ Lily Evans.

There was only Lily Evans...

"No! damn it!" James cursed himself silently. "Alright, time to stop lying to yourself, James. Yes, you do care what happens to Lily, you would be upset if she were unhappy or hurt, but that doesn't mean you love her. Taking a concern in the pupil with whom you have the most contact with is common. All professors care for their students and have favourites. Any one of them would be sad, and do their best to protect their students from harm. It's a natural feeling. What about Professor Slughorn and his Slug Club? So what if there was only one member in my club, the principle is still the same, is it not?" James growled and messed up his hair. "Damn it Sirius." He cursed aloud. He hadn't been aware that he had started pacing again. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately.

Lily stirred on the couch, sat up and in such a loving voice said, "There you are...". James stopped his smile short when he realized she was addressing the unicorn, and not him. Mercury leapt happily onto the couch and into her embrace. Again, an odd sensation of jealousy settled itself in his stomach, but it lifted slightly when she said sadly, "He's hasn't come back yet..."

"Yes he has." James said.

Her head whipped around as her hand went to her chest. "Merlin you startled me half to death just now. Why didn't you tell me you were back?"

"I didn't want to wake you."

"Oh... How's Remus?"

"He's the same as he always is after a transformation..."

"You didn't tell him about me did you? It was my fault for being out last night, I should have gone back in after Hagrid left. I'm fine, so please don't tell Lupin, he was so kind to me in first year..."

"You knew Moony?"

"Yes. He helped me out in my first week when I was attacked by a flock of pixies living in an old closet on the third floor, and after that he was always helping me, tutoring me in my lessons and teaching me about magic society and the things I'd missed out on being muggle born. I've never forgotten. He was a seventh year and I was just a first year, and yet he always took time every week to help me."

Remus had never said he knew Lily, but then again, why would he have mentioned it, either then or now.

"I didn't say anything to him, just that we shouldn't go out around the grounds anymore. We can't let that happen again, if it had been any student but you..." He didn't complete the thought. "Let's see how your shoulder's doing..."

She turned her back to him and removed the cloak. "It doesn't hurt so much anymore, still can't move it very well. How does it look?"

"Not great, but then again, there is dried still on your skin and... garment. You should probably shower."

"Do these kinds of wounds leave scars?"

"I have a few... yes."

"Well, good thing it's on my back so I don't have to see the ugly thing everyday."

"Scars aren't ugly, having scars give you character."

"No, having character gives you scars... and they are only attractive on men."

"You think scars are attractive?"

"Ask any woman. So long as it's not a deforming scar, or across your entire face, scars are attractive... because it's a sign of character. But I think I will take your advice and shower, I feel, well, like I'm covered in dried blood and dirt. I'll be back in 5 minutes, if you'll wait."

"I'll wait."

Lily went back into her room, which had a connecting bathroom. She sat down on her bed and removed her stockings and skirt. She had trouble when it came to her bra. It takes two hands to remove one, and she didn't have the required mobility in her left shoulder to reach back and undo the clasp. She sighed, not wanting to, but knowing she had no choice but to ask for assistance.

"Help please!" She called to the other room. Professor Potter was there in an instant, looking ready to duel an enemy or catch a fainting damsel in distress. What he didn't seem ready for was seeing a girl standing there looking helpless in just her underwear. He looked at the floor, the ceiling, the walls, anything but her.

"What is it?"

"I can't move my shoulder back far enough to reach the clasp. I need help getting it off." She said, sounding just as embarrassed as her Professor was.

"I don't think that would be very appropriate." He said awkwardly. Lily gave an exasperated sigh, she knew it was embarrassing, but there was no need to make a big deal about it. It would be less awkward for both of them if they didn't have to talk about it, but apparently he was going to make things difficult. Wasn't it just a few hours ago he had been holding her, rocking her back and forth and stroking her hair so gently? Hadn't he been the one to undress her this far?

"Not only have I given you an erection in class, but I've been attacked by a werewolf who is one of your best friends and we are both illegal animagi. I think we are already well past the point of propriety." She didn't even mention the matter about his accidental confession of being an undercover auror.

He conceded the point, but was still hesitant in stepping towards her. She turned her back to him and he reached out with one hand and undid it in one swift motion. Lily wondered if his bra removing technique was a natural talent or if it had been developed over the years out of practice... She decided that she would rather not know.

"Thank you." She said starting to go back to her bathroom, but then she stopped and wheeled around. "Hagrid! If he wakes and Mercury isn't there..."

"I'll take Mercury back. Knowing Hagrid he will have a panic attack, or go storming off into the forest, or burst into tears... perhaps all three at once. But you stay here, we have to talk."

The humour of the accurate portrayal of Hagrid was overshadowed by the ominous phrase 'we have to talk' He couldn't turn her into the Ministry for being an animagus, because he was too, but there were a lot of other things he might be mad about now that he was calm enough to think about them.

"Alright." She said walking passed him, both still uncomfortably aware that she was only in her underwear, to the common room. "Mercury. You have to go back to Hagrid's now."

Mercury made some kind of movement to show his displeasure.

"I'm fine now, but we don't want Hagrid to worry about you, do we? Good. I'm sorry that I can't go with you, so he is going to be walking you back." She said using one arm to point at her professor and the other kept firmly across her chest so that she her unhooked bra wouldn't fall off leaving her exposed. Mercury seemed reluctant, but willing to go along with it. "You are a good boy," She said petting him. "I'll come see you as soon as I can."

"Now the question is how does one get a unicorn out of the castle unseen. Where's my invisibility cloak?"

"I put it away in a safe place, I'll go get it." She said getting up and going to her room, still with one arm covering herself. Once in her room she took the cloak out and put it over herself. Silently, she tiptoed out of her room towards Professor Potter. A thrill of excitement ran through her. She found that she liked being invisible... a lot.

Ever so quietly she stepped closer and closer to him, stopping only a foot or so away, just standing their, studying his face. It was a strong face, and a handsome one too. The glasses made him look intellectual, but without them he would look 100 Quidditch player. Just then, the lips she had been staring at twitched up into a smirk. In one fluid movement he reached toward her and pulled off the cloak with a flourish. She felt exposed, even more so than she already was.

"I thought you might do that. I know my own cloak, Evans. I could always tell when my friends tried to sneak up on me." He said confidently.

Lily felt slightly silly, but just gave him an indifferent shrug... well... a one shouldered indifferent shrug, which only succeeded in making the bra strap fall off. Potter politely pretended not to notice and swept the cloak over him. A wand then appeared out of seeming thin air and put another charm on Mercury so that he blended in with his surroundings. Lily was still in awe of the cloak, she had never actually seen anyone disappear underneath it. He was entirely and completely invisible. She had no idea where he was.

Her breath caught in her chest and her heart started pounding as she felt a liquid fabric touch trail up her arm, placing her bra strap back on her shoulder. Then the portrait swung open and closed again and she knew he was gone, because once again, the room seemed colder without him.

She stood there until her breathing and heart rate returned to normal, which took longer than she would have liked to admit.

She let the water run over her for what seemed like ages, trying in vain to wash out the thoughts from her mind as she washed the filth from her body. But it didn't help, instead of being washed away the water only seemed to focus on those thoughts even more.

"Damn it..." She kept repeating. With that one touch, Potter had made it impossible. She had done so well in pretending, convincing herself that it was nothing, but just now her racing heart had been impossible for her to ignore. Why? She asked herself. He made such a fuss about helping me undo my bra when I asked, and yet he thinks it's ok when he is invisible to...

She knew she was making it a bigger deal than it was, but it had been such a pointless gesture. She had no idea what kind of face he had been making when he trailed that silky touch up her arm, or what he meant by it. She was so confused and frustrated she hated him for doing this to her. No, she didn't hate him for that, she hated him for being a Hogwarts teacher... No, not even that. She hated herself for thinking about a teacher that way. She promised herself she wouldn't think about it anymore, girls get crushes on their teachers all the time, it didn't mean anything. She would just put it from her mind and carry on normally.

He wanted to talk, and she would talk as if she normally would, as if he hadn't touched her invisibly in the single most useless and sweetest gesture... She would talk as if nothing had changed.

James and Mercury strode out to Hagrid's hut. It was only 8, and on a Sunday. Most everybody was sleeping late. James had just barely closed the lock to pen when Hagrid stepped outside, surprising both the professor and the unicorn.

"Morning James, what you doing here?" Hagrid asked.

"Just thought I'd come down and see if you were awake, but since you seemed not to be I thought I'd just say hi to Mercury before returning to the castle." James lied quickly.

"Well, I'm up now, was there something you wanted to say?"

"No, nothing in particular, just thought I'd say hello." James remembered something, and thought he'd ask Hagrid about it. "Did you know Evans knew Remus in seventh year?"

"Course. She couldn't stop talking about him. Cute the way she kept going on about him... In all her years here, never seen her fancy anyone as much as she did him firs'year." Hagrid laughed.

James laughed unenthusiastically. In fact, laughing was the last thing he felt like doing. Somehow, he was angry at Remus, and it had nothing to do with the fact that he had attacked Evans last night... Well... almost nothing to do with it. The fact that Remus was in Lily's past, knowing they had a history that he and Lily didn't, that he and she went back farther than she and himself made James feel resentful. Knowing that in some way, Remus was more special to her than he was... that made him boil with a jealousy that he couldn't even admit to himself, leaving him feeling completely frustrated.

She stepped out of the shower and dried off, frowning that the bottom of her shower and news brown/red stains. Blood was messy business. Towel wrapped around her she stepped into her room, again, grimacing at the carmine stains on her bedding and uniform as well. Drying her hair with a quick spell, she put the towel back into the bathroom and looked into her trunk for some clean things to put on. She had to sit down on the cold floor to do it, because she was still so light headed from the ordeal, she couldn't lean over without a wave of faintness rushing to her head...

After putting panties and a pair of pyjama pants, she looked at her selection of bras. No way she was going through that again. Instead, she reached for a camisole put it on by stepping into it and pulling it up over her hips. She thought that would be easier than having to pull it over her head. Her shoulder still didn't have that kind of flexibility yet. She knew it would take days, if not weeks of stretching to sort out. As a deer, she had felt the fangs and claws sink in, ripping and tearing at her tendons and muscles. Somehow they had become less severe on her as a human, and for that she was incredibly grateful.

She rummaged around her trunk for a shirt she didn't have to pull over her head. She didn't very well want to wear a blouse with pyjama pants, so she decided to just wrap a blanket around her. The throw she always used for a wrap when she was in her own room was always kept on the back of the sofa in the common room, because she had a habit of falling asleep on the couch. It was convenient to have a blanket right there to cover up with when she didn't want to walk all the way back to bed. There was something so much nicer about sleeping in front of a fireplace...

She was surprised to see Professor Potter sitting on her couch, waiting for her. She didn't know why she was surprised, he had told her he would be right back after he took Mercury to Hagrid's. Collecting herself quickly, she strode to the couch and removed the throw, wrapping it around her.

"Sit down." He said.

She stood there, not knowing whether she should sit on the couch next to him, or sit at a safer distance on one of the nearby armchairs... Feeling dizzy from the lack of blood and food, she knew she had to make a decision quickly, before she fell over. She suddenly felt so weak. Her vision swam as her balance left her, and soon, black tunnels formed around the edges of her eyesight, moving in further and further until her vision was completely blacked out and she fainted.

James stared curiously at the Head Girl as her eyes went unfocused. She swayed slightly. James was on his feet and stepping toward when her eyes rolled back in her head as she collapsed. His quickness prevented her from falling to the floor. He placed her on the couch, using the fallen blanket to cover her.

"Poppy!" He called, not knowing what else to do. He didn't want to leave Evans, but he needed to get her nourishment.

With a CRACK, a house elf appeared at his side. Poppy, had actually been James's family's house elf for a brief period before she came to work at Hogwarts. Poppy's sister, Lettie, was the Potter's house elf. When Poppy's owner died without an heir, Poppy hadn't known where to go, she went to the Potter's house, asking if she could work along with her sister to serve the Potter family. Not needing any more help around the house, his mother had suggested that she go work at Hogwarts, where James went to school. Poppy had agreed to work at Hogwarts because the Potter's son lived there. Poppy was the only one James could summon so easily.

"Sorry to call you like this Poppy, but I have a favour."

"Anything at all Master Potter..."

"I need you to bring Miss Evans here some food and drink. Milk would be good. Oh, and there are some robes on the floor in the chamber there that need to be cleaned very well."

James knew how laundry was to be done. Since he couldn't actually give the elves clothes, he just told them where the dirty clothes could be found. They wouldn't be freed if they picked them up to clean them, only if someone gives clothes to them.

"Of course, Master Potter."

"Thanks Poppy. But try to be discreet, this is a very dangerous situation, she's been badly hurt and is very sick..."

"Poppy understands, sir. Poppy will do everything she can to help."

"You are great, Poppy, thank you." James said. The elf bowed and hurried into the bedroom to collect the dirty clothes. He heard the elf cry in shock as she must has seen of felt the blood soaked robes, and another loud CRACK as she disappeared.

James turned his gaze back to the unconscious girl, neither of Poppy's loud cracks of arrival or departure had woken her. She was out cold...

"Or not..." James said, feeling her forehead. She wasn't cold at all, in fact she was alarmingly warm. A high fever, James had no doubt. There was nothing he could really do but put a cool cloth across her forehead and wait for her to wake up.

Lily awoke, feeling absolutely terrible. She was certain it was the discomfort in her stomach that had forced her into consciousness. She didn't open her eyes, but she knew she must be lying on her couch, because she could feel the warmth of the fire, and heard the logs crackling comfortingly. She knew she couldn't stay there for long. Soon the pain and nausea would demand satisfaction...

She tried to force down the bile that seemed to be building up in her throat. She was so tired, she didn't know if she had the energy to get up and go to the toilet. She ignored it for as long as possible, trying to concentrate on the pleasant coolness on her forehead, but that wasn't enough to distract her from the familiar pain.

She had been troubled by stomach ulcers since 5th year, the constant pain and regular vomiting had become habit by now. She knew that once she threw up the pain in her stomach would go away for a bit.

Feeling it grip her suddenly, she knew she had to go right then. Sitting up faster than she should have, she dashed to the bathroom just in time. The disgusting sensation of vomit burning all the way up her throat, mouth and nose was the price she paid for the peace she felt returning to her stomach. Heaving again, she felt the discomfort lesson. One more, she thought, should be enough. She felt a large warm hand on her lower back, and heard Potter's voice saying "You'll be ok, I'm here... you're ok, just get it all out..."

She threw up a last time, and used the nearby toilet paper to wipe her nose and mouth.

Nervously, she looked into the bowl. As she had feared, it contained dried blood. Blood that had been digested by her own stomach, and then rejected. Sometimes in stressful situations, the acid becomes so much that the ulcers start to bleed. When the blood stays in the stomach, it starts being digested by the same acids that digested her own stomach lining, which caused the bleeding to begin with. When too much blood accumulated in her stomach, it caused even more pain than usual, and forced her to purge.

But it didn't look like normal blood. It was dark brown, congealed masses that any muggle would think looked like coffee grounds. Lily herself hadn't known that the substance had been dried, digested blood until her doctor had told her...

She got shakily to her feet, assisted by Professor Potter, and washed her face and mouth in the sink, and flushed the disturbing contents of the toilet. She splashed the cool water on her face which made her feel better, but her whole body was still shaky, as it always was after this sort of thing, and it didn't help that she hadn't been in the best condition to start with.

He had been scanning the books in her shelves. He didn't even notice she had woken up until he heard retching from the bathroom. Seeing that she was no longer on the couch, he flew across the common room, through her bedroom and entered the bathroom, where he saw her being violently ill. He put his hand on her back and tried to say soothing things. He didn't even remember what he had said; he just wanted to be comforting. He wondered what on earth Evans had eaten, the vomit was so unusually dark.

When she finished he helped her get up and clean up before leading her back out of the bathroom.

"Do you want to lie down in bed or go back to the common room?"

"I don't care, the common room."

James didn't like how much she was shaking. He was sure that if he weren't holding her up, she would collapse right there. She sat down and he offered her some milk.

"I know I'm not supposed to, but it's the quickest fix..." She said, taking the bottle and drinking from it.

"Quickest fix?"

"Never mind..."

"I think you really should go to the hospital wing Evans, I've never seen a reaction to a bite like this before."

"It has nothing to do with last night." She said, almost patronizingly.

"Then what is it?" James asked.

"It's nothing to worry about..."

"Evans, you were just burning up with fever and were violently sick just now, and you say it's nothing to worry about?"

"I'm sorry, I meant it's nothing for _you_ to worry about."

"Evans..." James said warningly. What was that supposed to have meant... nothing for _him_ to worry about.

"Professor." She said, staring him right in the eyes, voice calm and steady. "I promise that it has nothing to do with Remus or being bitten. It's a condition that started years ago. I know what it is, why it happens, and how to help it. You really needn't bother yourself about it."

This little speech, far from reassuring him, only made him feel more ill at ease. If it was something that had just happened then they could find a way to fix it. But if she were suffering from a long term illness, then what could he possibly do to help? Was it a serious illness? What was it? Why wouldn't she tell him?

'She told you why,' he told himself. 'Because it's none of your bloody business. She flat out said it didn't relate to anything that happened tonight, therefore you have no right to pry.' It was something that had been a part of her life longer than he had... It had been around before he had... and it was none of his business...

Then, she added, "You've wasted enough time and energy on me already, I don't want to impose on you anymore. You can go now... I'm not your responsibility."

James felt insulted, rebuffed, repudiated, dismissed.

"You are my student, and students are a teacher's priority."

"You don't sit beside other students when they are ill. Don't feel you are morally obligated to stay with me just because I was attacked by Remus last night. Your conscious can rest at ease; you've fixed my shoulder as best as I could hope for. Your duty here is done."

"Do you want me to leave, Evans?" James asked, temper starting to rise. "You want me to go away?"

"You have no reason to stay and continue to waste your time here."

"I'm not going yet, we still have things to discuss... That's the whole reason I've been waiting here..." He said, knowing that it wasn't entirely true. That had been _part_ of the reason he had stayed.

"I'm listening now, Professor. You may begin."

James didn't think he could, not when he was this worked up. He ran his fingers through his hair angrily,

"Ok Evans, we have to accept our positions here. Whether we like it or not, we are stuck together for a while so the least we can do is try to be understanding of each other, right?"

"Of course."

James didn't think he could go on, not when she had tried twice to make him leave. Perhaps she didn't like company when she was ill, or maybe she was just tired of him...

"Look, Evans, I'm not going to force this conversation on you when you aren't well. If you want me to go I will." He said starting for the portrait hole.

"No!" She said suddenly. James turned around to her in surprise. "I mean, if you have more important things to do than by all means don't let me keep you from them. But..."

"Do you want me to stay?" He asked. He wanted her to give him an answer, a real answer. Did she want him to stay? Or did she want him to go?

"I don't want to be a burden to you, but if you have nothing better to do than sit and talk to an injured sick girl then..." She sighed. "Then stay..."

It was then he realised what she was getting at. They had both been asking the same questions, but refusing to give answers. She wanted to know whether he was staying because he wanted to or because he felt he had to. And he wanted her to say whether or not she actually wanted him there. If he had important things to do, she wouldn't ask him to stay and take up his time he could be spending doing other things, and he wouldn't stay there if she didn't want him to... but she wouldn't admit she wanted him to... James started getting dizzy just thinking about it.

It was a vicious cycle and he knew that he had to be the one to break it.

"Well Miss Evans I have absolutely nothing better to do today but sit and have a chat with the invalid of a Head Girl."

"Really?"

"Really. You know you should eat something; you've lost a lot of blood."

Lily thought she'd lost more blood than he knew, what with the internal bleeding as well...

"I don't think I can handle food right now."

"Well, when you can..." He said putting the basket of food Poppy had brought on the table.

"Thank you..." Lily said, genuinely touched. He was making it very difficult for her to keep to her resolve of not to falling for him...

"But we really need to discuss everything."

"Everything?"

"But if you don't feel up for it now we don't have to. Perhaps you should rest a while longer?"

"No, I'm alright. How long was I asleep before?"

"You mean when you fainted?"

"Erm... yes."

"And woke up vomiting?"

"Yes, that time, how long was I asleep?" She asked, slightly annoyed.

"You were unconscious for about an hour..."

"I was just wondering. Now, what do you want to talk about?" She said, adjusting herself, pulling the blanket in tighter around her, getting comfortable.

"Us." He said simply. That one, free standing, simple word caused her heart to jump into her throat. He continued after a moment, "tonight has changed everything. How many people knew you were out last night?"

"No one."

"And how many people know about you being an animagus?"

"One."

"Who?"

"You."

"Just me?"

"Just you."

"Excellent."

"How many people know about Mercury?"

"Other than you, Hagrid, and Dumbledore?"

"Yes."

"No one."

"This keeps getting better and better. And who knows about wandless magic?"

"No one."

"You are good at keeping things to yourself..."

"No one to tell."

"And this is unrelated but; indulge my curiosity... How many people know about your illness?"

"No one... save the doctor."

"Wha?"

"Healer."

"Ah... and.. I assume between the time I left you last night at Hagrid's and the time we met again, you didn't tell anyone I was an auror?"

"Just the entire Slytherin common room and a personal interview to Rita Skeeter..." She said in a dead serious voice. He knew she would never have told anyone, but he had to ask anyway. He should have expected the sarcastic reply.

"Excellent. This situation is entirely contained. This isn't at all as bad it could be."

"So, we don't have any problems?"

"Apart from you being ill? No, I don't think so, so long as we can keep each other's secrets."

"I'm good at keeping secrets."

"I've noticed. That's a very good thing. I hope you realise, Evans, that the knowledge we have about each other, could get us both into very serious trouble." He said emphasizing the last three words by pausing after each one.

"I am aware of that, yes."

"So it is in out best interest to act as if nothing has happened. I won't punish you for being outside on your own after hours, for being an animagus, or anything else. As far as we are concerned you were asleep here all night. Moony and I weren't out either. You know nothing about Remus being a werewolf, nothing about me being an auror. That conversation never took place..."

"Why do I have to Mercury a secret?"

"For simplicity and safety. The less people who know that you are about the grounds at night the better..." He paused for a moment. "The reason I am stationed here is because the Ministry is worried that Hogwarts might not only be a target for dark wizards, but for recruiting grounds as well. Just as the Ministry and... other... organizations look to Hogwarts to new employees, so does the dark lord look for new death eaters. We think that the dark lord wants to keep people inside Hogwarts, and eager students are the easiest way... The staff is steadfast to Dumbledore, so there is no way he can place a spy in the faculty, the only new position having been taken by me. I don't say this to frighten you, but the ones you need to fear most are your fellow students. If one or two people know that you go out onto the grounds every night, word would spread, particularly if they knew you were with me, because that's how gossip flies. If that information circulated, and the wrong student heard, then that leaves us in the open for the death eaters... They've already attacked you twice, and you've been lucky so far..."

"Sorry to interrupt, but how do you know about that other time?" Lily knew that he might have read it in the profit just like everyone else. It made front page news when Lily barely managed to escape alive when she was attacked by death eaters in broad daylight while walking through Diagon Alley.

"Not only was I briefed about previous death eater activity, but when I received the orders to work at Hogwarts I was informed about the histories of a few students that were considered..." He trailed off...

"Considered what?"

"Of interest..."

"Of interest?"

"The Death eaters are either interested in them as either possible recruits for the dark lord or possible targets for..."

"I see..." She said cutting him off, not wanting to finish the thought aloud. There was no doubt as to under which category she fell..

"Needless to say, you don't know any of that either..."

"Indeed not. So moral of the story is mum's the word on Mercury."

"Quite."

"Could you tell me if they suspect any student's in particular? Just so I can be on my guard..."

James thought about it for a moment, then decided that since he had gone this far, and she knew so much already, that giving her that information wouldn't do anymore harm, it could only help her.

"Michaels, Peters, Walsh, Nott..."

"So the 7th year Slytherins?"

"Parkinson, Quibbley..."

"Quibbley?"

"Parents are suspected Death Eaters... most of those students' parents are suspected Death Eaters, Micheals and Nott's parents are confirmed. The logic being that it would be easiest and safest for parents to convince their children to help."

"Excellent logic. But Quibbley... I just can't believe it... I mean, he's just so... nice." Quibbley was an enthusiastic 6th year Hufflepuff, who the year before had taken Lily out to Hogsmeade.

"These aren't certainties, just things to be taken into consideration..." James allowed.

"Yes I know. May I ask another question?"

"Might as well."

"In the forest the other day, when the Death Eaters killed Mercury's parents... did you come because I was a target?"

She was surprised to see him throw back his head in laughter. "I actually didn't even know you were involved until I saw you sitting there. No, I went because Hagrid asked me to. He was always doing that when I was in school, eager to show me his newest pet, or help with some magical creature he's just 'rescued.'"

"So this was all chance happening..."

"Yes."

"Good."

"Why?"

"Because if you just happened to get mixed up with me than fine, but I don't think I could stand being assigned an undercover babysitter."

"That's not my job..." He said defensively.

"And I'm glad that I'm not part of your job."

"No, you are a completely separate inconvenience."

"Charming... Anything else?"

"Just one thing." He said, extending a hand. She gave him a questioning look.

"What's that for?"

"It's a hand. It's customary to shake it when you agree to something. It's a sign of trust. We have to trust each other from now on Evans, you understand?"

Lily extended her hand to his. His hand was warm around hers as they shook on their promise to trust each other with their secrets, but Potter withdrew is hand rather more quickly than Lily had hoped.

"Merlin, Evans your hands are cold..." he said, standing up straight and walking around to place himself behind the couch. He pushed it forward so that she was closer to the fire. "There. Perhaps you will thaw better here."

"Thank you."

"Anytime..." He stopped and looked around the room. "Now then... let's see what to do..." He took out his wand and did a summoning charm. Lily recognized the wand movement, but what exactly he was summoning she had no idea. He walked to the window and opened it to allow whatever it was to enter the room.

She heard a whoosh and the sound of Potter catching something, then shutting the window again. He walked back over to the armchair next to her and placed his briefcase on the table in front of them and began removing its contents, placing stacks of parchment on the table in different piles.

"Uh... Professor?"

"Yes Evans?"

"What are you doing?"

"Looking for a quill... but I don't seem to have one." He spotted one of Lily's on the table and snatched it up. "You don't mind if I borrow this, do you Evans?"

"Be my guest, but what are you going to do with it?"

"Grade essays." Untruth

"What? You said you had nothing to do today!"

"Correction, I said I had nothing _better _to do today. Grading papers is just about the last thing on my list of favourite things to do."

"I'm surprised it made the list at all..."

"I like teaching, and that's part of the job. Feedback is really important. If students don't know what they have done wrong, then they are just going to keep repeating the same mistakes."

"But, you don't have to do them here..."

"Nonsense Evans. I said I would stay didn't I? I don't have anything _better_ to do but I do have things that must be done... so might as well kill two birds in the same room, eh?"

"I don't know how I feel about being compared to murdered fowl... But wouldn't it be nicer to do it in your own place?"

"Are you kidding? Head's quarters are far nicer than those of the Professor's. Look! You have an entire common room to yourself. I just have an office with a bedroom attached. It's more comfortable here; Instead of grading papers at my desk I can do it in this lovely armchair next to the fire..."

"If you're sure..." Lily said, not feeling certain at all.

"Quite sure, thank you. Don't mind if I turn this ink red for a bit, do you?"

"Go right ahead."

He did so, and began on the first essay in the pile on the furthest right. She decided to study a bit as well and thought to summon a text book to her. The only one she had by her was potions, but she had already finished that. In fact, she had finished all of her homework, so she figured she would review some Defence Against the Dark Arts, seeing as how the Professor was right there. Should she have a question, he could answer it easily.

Feeling for her wand she realized that she didn't have it on her. It was probably in her room somewhere, in the pocket of her discarded robes most likely...

"Professor?"

"Hmm?" He said, not looking up.

"May I borrow your wand? I just want to..."

"No. Do it without." He interrupted, still not removing his eyes from the essay in front of him.

"But I can't even see the book from here..."

"Doesn't matter." He said casually, crossing out something on the page and writing a note in the column.

"And if it does?"

"Then you can lie there and be bored until it doesn't."

Lily shrugged. Might as well give it a try. _Accio __Advanced Defence Against the Dark Arts_ She thought furiously. No result._ Accio textbook!_ She tried again. Still nothing. She forced herself to focus clearly, but she still felt so dizzy and weak she didn't think she could. Even if she did say the charm aloud she doubt it would work. She just didn't have the strength. If only she could see the text book, or if only she had a wand...

She was struck by an idea. She could see the tip of Potter's wand sticking out from his robes. _Accio Potter's wand!_ She thought, and instantly it flew from his pocket and into her hand. Before he had the time to take it away she quickly summoned her text book, which came flying out of the room.

"Oi!" He said standing up to retrieve his wand.

"Professor, watch out!" Lily said, but too late. The text book collided with the back of his head, the force knocking his glasses off his face. The book fell to the ground behind him with a thud. Trying not to laugh, she picked up his glasses, which had fallen on the couch beside her, and handed them back to him. He was rubbing the back of his head with on hand as he took the glasses with the other.

"Ouch."

"I tried to warn you..." Lily defended softly, guiltily handing him back the pilfered wand. He took the wand with pursed lips, and replaced it in his pocket. Without saying a word, he sat back down and resumed grading papers.

Was he angry? She couldn't tell, his messy dark curls fell down hiding his face from view, but his shoulders seemed to be shaking slightly. Lily thought he might be trying to control his temper, so she hid under the blanket, afraid of what he might say. A moment later her heart lifted when she heard him burst out laughing. Encouraged, she poked her head out from under the blanket.

He was laughing so hard he had to remove his glasses to wipe at his eyes.

"Merlin that was hilarious."

"It was?" She had certainly thought so, but she was surprised that he, the one who had been hit in the head, also found it funny.

"And the ironic thing is, I was just thinking... Some students don't even bother reading up before they try to write essays or turn in their homework. They can't be arsed with it. I was just thinking that someone should just hit them over the head with a textbook... next thing I know, what happens? WHAM! Textbook to the head." He said, starting to laugh all over again. "I'm tempted to charm textbooks to knock their owners in the head, as a subtle reminder to do their homework... I think it would be really effective."

"Well.. I suppose it would..." Lily admitted.

"Evans. Since you seem to be _talented_ in making up spells..." He paused for a moment, both of them knowing precisely what he was referring to. "I want you to create such a spell. 30 points to Gryffindor if you do."

Lily smiled. She loved a challenge, and charms were her specialty. She already had loads of ideas on how to set about doing it... Grabbing a blank piece of parchment and another quill she started taking down notes in red ink.

After about two hours of brainstorming, Lily felt her stomach ease and growl with usual hunger pains. That was a good sign. She took some food from the basket as she continued with her work. The food seemed to have an immediate effect on her. Instantly she felt much better, stronger.

After another hour she felt as if she had perfected the theory, now all that was left was to test, evaluate, and retest. Fortified and feeling much better, she got to her feet and went to fetch her wand from her room. She would need it if she wanted to do this charm properly, her wandless magic was still to dodgy.

"Professor?"

"Yes?"

"I think I have something, but I'll need to trying it out but... I don't have any subject on which to test."

"What do you need?"

"Just a student with an assignment, and the textbook for that subject."

"Well I'm a teacher, so no more attacks on me Evans."

"But how can I test it?"

"You have an essay due Thursday for my class..."

"I've already finished it."

"What about for your other subjects?"

"I've finished all my assignments already."

"You stay on top of things... Alright then, as of this moment I am assigning you a new essay. Due tomorrow, 12 inches on... " He picked up the DADA text book and opened it to a random page. "Inferi. How they are created and destroyed. There, now you have an assignment, and the textbook. Good luck Evans."

Hoping that it would work she pointed her wand at the textbook next to Potter and muttered the words she thought would best fit the core of the spell. Then, cautiously, she pulled out a fresh sheet of parchment and wrote down the title of the assignment at the top. After dipping her quill back into the ink pot she began the first line of the essay. She didn't even get to finish the sentence before the text book flew to her and began bouncing up and down on top of her head.

"Brilliant Evans! Absolutely brilliant!" She heard her professor cry proudly.

"Thanks, Professor, but I'm not done yet." She grabbed the book before it hit her a fourth time and put it on the ground. It stayed there. She picked up her quill to start writing again and once more, the textbook began pestering her.

"Looking good, excellent, excellent..." Potter encouraged. Not until she opened the textbook and had it in front of her did the book let her write her essay in peace.

"The student has to have the book open while they do their assignment... but because of the type of spell I used, all a student would have to use to make it stop is a simple _finite incantatum_."

"Well, by that time I think they would have gotten the point anyway, so it doesn't matter. Perfect, Evans. 30 points to Gryffindor." He said smiling at her. Lily glowed with pride and delight, happy to have been able to please her professor.

"Are you actually going to use it?"

"Of course. Only on the 4th years and below. Once you get into 5th year it's impossible to do an essay without a bit of outside research, and a 5th year might already possess enough knowledge to write an essay without a text book. But first through fourth years I assign essays about subject matter, facts, not theories, and always assign essays before I lecture about it, because I like my students to already have a bit of understanding on a topic before I lecture. That way they can ask more informed questions and get a better understanding."

"Have I mentioned before that you are my favourite teacher?"

"You might have..." He said, unable to stop his mouth from turning up in a wide smile.

"How many more do you have to go?" She asked, nodding towards the assignments on the table.

"I've finished the third and fifth year essays. I have the 6th years left, there aren't so many to grade since the sixth year class is smaller than the others, but they are longer..."

"Well, I'm going to the library, you are welcome to stay here and finish."

"Why are you going to the library? Shouldn't you stay here and rest?"

"I'm feeling much better now, thanks to you. And the textbook isn't very comprehensive about Inferi, it just mentions them as one of the ominous creatures/beings used in the darkest arts. There isn't much else, only that they are not they aren't created like vampires. They aren't un-dead but reanimated dead."

"Evans, you don't actually have to do that assignment, it was just so you could test your incantation."

"I know, but now I'm interested! I had read this section before but now I realise how interesting a topic it is and how woefully deficient my knowledge is on them."

"A true scholar."

"I can stop by the kitchens on the way back, do you want something?"

"Yes. Anything." He replied.

"Anything?" She asked mischievously. She knew what she would bring back, Blueberry fang-mint muffins... He seemed to read it in her eyes, for he then said.

"Anything that you yourself would eat..."

"Very well, I'll probably be back in an hour."

She wasn't even gone for 20 when she returned to her common room. Puzzled by the unhappy look on her face he asked, "What's wrong?"

"Restricted section."

"Beg your pardon?" He asked, removing his glasses and rubbing his nose.

"The books I need are in the restricted section... I can't get to it without a permission slip from a Professor..."

Without even thinking twice, James scribbled something onto a piece of parchment, tore off the slip and handed it to her. "Have fun."

Lily took it with a shaky hand. "Thank... you..."

"What are Professors for? Go on now, the sooner you leave the sooner you can return."

"I'll be back shortly." She said with a smile. She was certain this was the first time she had become giddy over the reanimated dead...


	8. In which a Scheme is Devised

She hurried to the library and handed the slip of parchment to Madame Pince. The librarian looked over her glasses at Lily. Seeming satisfied that Evans's intentions were satisfactorily academic she led her to the Restricted Section. Looking at the slip of parchment again, Madame Pince went to a shelf and removed two books from it.

"Here Miss Evans, you may find that these are the best selections for your topic, but you are welcome to look around for more material. But know that you will not be able to take out anything that does not pertain to your topic."

"Yes ma'am, thank you." The librarian left the Head Girl to browse by herself.

Lily knew that she couldn't check out any books that weren't about inferi, but that didn't stop her from looking through other volumes. Various topics surrounded her, all of which weren't allowed to be read by average students. Lily thought she might spend the whole day here, just reading the forbidden material. She plucked one large book from its place on the shelf. She opened it to a random page and started to read despite the grotesque, almost obscene illustration on the page opposite. She couldn't even finish the first paragraph before she shut the volume, horrified. It was the first time in her life that curiosity had been beaten by fear. She thrust the book back into the shelf and stood there, staring at it, disbelieving. Lily had no idea that things like that existed. She wouldn't mind forgetting it either. Dazedly she looked around to all the other volumes on the shelves around her. Did they all contain dark and dreadful magic like the kind she just read? Would the contents of the books she intended to check out be just as dreadful?

She didn't want to chicken out on this assignment. She wanted to write that essay on inferi, no matter how gruesome it may turn out to be... When she had been in her common room with Potter, she hadn't thought anything of the creation of them. What had she thought? That one could mutter a spell and bring a dead body to life like movement? There had been a reason her school book had been so vague about them, the same reason that the book on Inferi were locked away in the restricted section...

Before she lost her nerve to finish the assignment she walked briskly out of the Restricted Section, clutching the two books to her chest. The doors swung shut and locked magically behind her. As she checked out her books, she looked at the librarians face. Madame Pince, all the students made fun of her, hated her, she was so stern and lacked even a smidgen of a sense of humour. For the first time, Lily wondered why that was. Madame Pince had led her to the two volumes that she thought would be the most useful to Lily... did that mean she had read them? How many of the books in the library, including those in the restricted section had the old librarian read? If she had seen most of what those dark volumes contained, Lily didn't wonder at the old witch's austerity, her coldness, her lack of warmth or cheer. Behind those glasses there was probably a very well informed mind, aware of more horrors than childish and immature students would ever know... No wonder she had little patience with them.

Wanting the various forms of warmth that waited for her in the common room, Lily Evans walked hurriedly out of the library and passed the great hall. She was in such haste to get back to Professor Potter that she accidentally ran into someone, causing her to drop her books.

"Oh, I'm sorry, it was my fault." She said looking to the person with whom she had collided.

"I'm fine." He said, reaching down to pick up the fallen books. Lily was startled. Potter had warned her only today of this man. In front of her, bending over to help her pick up the things she had dropped was 7 th year Slytherin, John Michaels; parents confirmed Death Eaters. As he rose back to his feet holding her books he gave her a kind and charming smile. He looked down to the books he was holding and his eyes widened in surprise.

"Death and the Darkest Arts? Forbidden Death Magic? Evans..."

"Erm... actually I... that is..."

"Is this for class?"

"Well no actually it's a bit of... outside reading..."

"I see, just something light to read before bedtime, eh?" He joked, no longer seeming to be startled.

"Kind of. Actually I was just interested in something and wanted to read up on it."

"Dark Arts?" He asked raising an eyebrow inquisitively.

"In a manner of speaking..."

"Ha. And so you just strolled into the restricted section and pulled two of the darkest books there are? Must be great being the Head Girl."

"It has its perks." She agreed, extending her hands to take back her books. He handed them gently to her. "Thanks."

"No problem."

"Well, sorry for knocking into you..." She said as she strode past him.

"Hey Evans!" He called, taking a few bounding steps to catch up with her as she turned around to face him.

"Yeah?"

"I know it's a bit early, but would you like to go to Hogsmeade with me weekend after next?"

After a few seconds of calculation she replied. "Erm... sure." She smiled awkwardly at him.

"Great. So I'll see you around then."

"See you..." She said, turning back and walking back to her room even quicker than before.

As she waited for the house elves to put together a basket of food, she wondered whether or not she should tell Potter what had just happened. One the one hand, if Michaels had asked her out on a simple date, then it would just be awkward to tell him. On the other hand, if he really did have connections with the Death Eaters, and she really was a target... then this date could be something much more sinister.

"Welcome back." Potter said pleasantly as she came through the portrait hole. "Find what you wanted?"

"Find what I...?" She started confusedly, but then remembered the books she held against her chest with one arm. "Oh yes. I did." She said, placing the food down on the table next to him.

"Good." He said, continuing to read and correct the essay he was working on while nibbling a chicken wing he had taken from the basket. Lily nodded and sat down and opened one of the books. She worked on her essay for 2 and a half hours, waiting for Professor Potter to finish correcting and grading essays. The book she was reading was even worse than the one that had frightened her so in the library. But being in her own room, and Potter just across the table, made it easier to read. It certainly not something she would want to read on her own in the middle of the night; that was certain.

When she heard him exhale and stretch saying "Finally finished," she marked her place in her book and put it down on the table.

"Good because I think I have something I want to say to you."

"You think?"

"That is, I need your guidance... advice..."

"What's wrong?"

Lily recounted the story of what happened outside the library with Michaels, and he listened with a stone set expression. When Lily finished he didn't say anything.

"Well? What do you think?"

"I think that's the most foolish thing you've ever done, Evans."

"It could be completely innocent..."

"And what if it's not? You would just be walking right into their hands."

"I know. That's why I told you!"

"You could have just declined and avoided the whole thing."

"If I really am a target I doubt they would give up just because I said no. They'd find other ways, another time perhaps. This way I can be prepared."

"How exactly do you think you can prepare yourself, Evans? Huh? What did you think you can do against someone who wants to attack you?"

"Are you that worthless? Why did the ministry send you here if you don't do anything! What are you here for if you can't help me?" She said, angry at his condescension towards her.

James looked at the redhead in surprise. She had been asking him for his help, protection, to use her to perhaps catch a possible death eater. She knew what she was getting into and she had accepted in the hopes that she could help him. He was supposed to be monitoring the students on the list... and a pureblood Slytherin wanting to date a muggle born Gryffindor was suspicious. Sure Lily was beautiful, but he couldn't wave it aside that easily.

"Ok Evans. If we are going to do this... we are going to do it right..."

That week, Professor Potter and Lily Evans spent every evening together after classes, after Mercury's feeding, training. No longer was it wandless magic she was working on, but things that Potter had been learned while training to be an auror. He lectured her, taught her about movement and surveillance, recognizing when you are being watched and how to survey others. They practiced defensive spells, but also protective spells and disabling curses she could use herself against her opponents.

The first day, Monday after lessons, Lily practiced. She left at dusk to feed Mercury with Hagrid and then returned immediately to the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom to help with Potter with his lesson with the third years the next day. Boggarts. Together they scoured the castle for a boggart for his class to practice on. After an hour of searching, Potter cried out.

"I think I found one!" He was pointing to an old wardrobe that had shuddered slightly when he had tapped it.

"So we just need to move it into this smaller box so we can take it to the DADA classroom?"

"That's the plan. You've done this before?"

"Of course." Lily said, sounding slightly offended.

"Alright then, here we go." He opened the wardrobe by hand so that the wardrobe door was in between him and the boggart. The only option it had was to go for Lily, and when it emerged from the wardrobe it morphed into an unrecognizable blob for a moment before it exploded with a loud crack. The boggart had been annihilated.

"What did you do?" Potter accused.

"I didn't do anything!" She defended.

"You must have done something nonverbal, perhaps it was unintentional."

"I'm telling you I didn't do anything." She said honestly, but she thought she knew what had happened. James just stared at her, calculating and pensive. He seemed to be able to tell by the look in her eyes that she knew why the boggart had reacted that way.

"Evans..." He said, trailing off, giving her the opportunity to explain herself. Lily sighed, knowing that she wouldn't be able to keep it from him.

Lily had been in third year, in the lesson that she and Potter were setting up for now, when she had faced a boggart for the first time. It had transformed into her worse fear, as it always does. For Lily Evans, the boggart changed into the image of her family members, dead. Her mother, father, and Petunia, had all been lying facedown on the ground unmoving and in a puddle of blood. Her family was dead now.

"My worst fear has already been realised..." She offered with a sad little shrug. James threw an arm around her shoulders, giving her arm a comforting rub.

"Come on; let's try to find another one." He said, gracefully not pursuing a subject so obviously unpalatable.

An hour later in the dungeons they found another one and this time James was the one to handle the boggart, making sure that he was always in between it and Lily. He didn't want to run the risk of another exploding out of confusion.

Lily was curious as to what shape the boggart would take. But because she was standing directly behind the tall professor, she only managed to see a bit of dark fluttering material before he manoeuvred it into the smaller box they were going to use to transport it. She didn't want to ask him what it was, because she almost thought it as prying. Fear was a deeply personal thing. When in third year, your worst fear is generally just a phobia, like spiders, snakes, or vampires. As an adult, when you are old enough to know not to fear those things, your true fears immerge...

Once they had returned to the classroom they practiced a bit of wandless magic while at the same time, James told her more about what she should do in any given situation that involved death eaters. He often repeated himself when it came to more important points.

"Remember, all we want is the truth, simple information, you aren't aiming to take down any death eaters yourself. If things get dangerous, your first priority is to get out of there."

"Yes, Professor Potter." She said for what she felt like was the 20 th time.

"Good, now banish this book back into the shelf again. Last time was a bit sloppy."

And so the mixed lesson continued late into the night, until it was time for them to go to Hagrid's to feed Mercury. Lily was slightly disappointed when she saw that Hagrid had already turned in for the evening. She could have used a cup of tea just then, she felt so exhausted, the ridiculously busy week finally catching up with her. Going on perhaps 4 hours of sleep per night had been fine for a few nights, but what she really wanted to do was sleep a whole night through again... but that didn't seem possible. The only option she saw was to sleep all of Saturday and Sunday during the day, to make up for lost sleep during the week, but she knew that wasn't exactly an option either. She had a lot of work she needed to do during that time. Lily made a mental note to look up potions that make you feel more rested... perhaps she would create one herself if such a one didn't already exist.

She absentmindedly stroked Mercury's shining coat as she fed him, humming her usual tune. Once the bottle had been emptied she put it to the side and lied back on the ground, with Mercury plopping down beside her, keeping her left side nice and warm. She had been gazing at the stars as her mind wandered, and she didn't even notice that her eyes had drifted shut.

They had been rather quiet this evening, rather than their usual talkative selves. But that was alright with him. The silence and lack of conversation didn't bother him one bit. It wasn't awkward at all, but a very comfortable silence. After she fed the young gelding she fell onto her back as usual and stared at the sky. James was in no real hurry to get back to the castle, if she wanted to take her time, she could. His first class wasn't until one, so he wasn't worried about having to wake up in the morning. She on the other hand, had to be up at dawn.

He turned his head to face her, about to ask a question, but it died away in his throat when he saw that she had fallen asleep, her soft breathing coming at slow steady intervals. From the looks of it, the unicorn had fallen asleep as well. James shrugged. No harm in letting her rest for a few minutes...

They were still lying there an hour later, James unable to bring himself to wake the poor girl. He could see her breath in the cold air every time she exhaled. Surely sleeping in the cold air couldn't be good for her. He pulled out his wand and did a few clever little spells to keep her warm. He knew they had worked because a moment later she stretched out from the curled up position she had been in before. She mumbled something unintelligible as she rolled over onto her side, resting her head on his upper arm. He chuckled and knew that he wasn't going to get to move that arm any time soon.

He barely noticed himself that he grew sleepier and sleepier. His last thought was that it wouldn't be so bad to let themselves fall asleep out there, it would make the dawn feeding more convenient...

Lily was the first to awake the next morning, save Mercury, who had been nudging her to get up to feed him. She blearily opened her eyes to see Potter lying on his side next to her, glasses askew on his sleeping face, arm outstretched, acting as a pillow underneath her head. Hastily she sat up. It was almost light out; Hagrid would be waiting at the castle doors for her... except that he wasn't.

"Mornin' Lily." He said in that Hagrid 'whisper' of his, which still carried quite a distance. Potter didn't wake though.

"Good morning, Hagrid. Guess there is no point in meeting up at the castle doors this morning."

"Appears no'." He replied grinning, handing her Mercury's bottle. She began feeding him, not knowing what she could possibly say. She knew she didn't like the suggestive way Hagrid was smiling. And yet, until he outright suggested something, she couldn't deny anything, lest she sound defensive and guilty. Which she wasn't... guilty, that is. She hadn't done anything wrong. Well, spending the night outside the castle in the forbidden forest was probably against the rules, but she was with a Professor, and she already had permission to be about at night if one of them was with her... so no, she hadn't done anything wrong. Nothing. Nothing that could account for her defensiveness either. Perhaps it had been the fact that she had fallen asleep on Potter's arm, and the fact that he had let her.

So she stayed silent and fed the infant who had not quite comfortably settled itself in her lap. A few minutes later, once Mercury appeared to have finished, Hagrid asked, "Going up to the castle for breakfast?"

"Yes, but it's light now so no one need come with me. Let him rest a while longer. If that's alright with you..." She added as an afterthought, indicating to her sleeping Professor.

"Fine, fine." That annoying grin was still there.

"You seem to be in excellent spirits this morning, Hagrid." She said dryly.

"Just woke up feeling like it'd be a good day, don't you think?"

"I'm sure I don't know how the day will turn out simply by how I felt when I woke up. If that were true then..." She stopped herself short.

"Then what?" Hagrid asked, incapable to keep the anxious curiosity out of his voice. Lily tried not to scowl, knowing what Hagrid was thinking.

"Never mind." She didn't feel the need to explain that she felt wretched every time she woke up, wishing she could go back to bed, retreating to the warmth and comfort of the covers. "I'm going to go up to the castle for breakfast. See you at midnight!" She stood up and brushed herself off, bits of grass and unicorn hair floating to the ground. She gave her sleeping Professor a quick surreptitious look before giving Hagrid a final wave and headed off to the castle at a jog, getting away as quickly as she could without look like she was fleeing the scene of a crime.

In her room she changed into fresh robes and went down to the Great Hall for breakfast. It was early yet, so there weren't very many students. A few people scattered the Ravenclaw table, and a group a Hufflepuffs sat together at the end of their house table. There wasn't a single Gryffindor in the whole room save Lily. Although she wasn't a co-dependent kind of person, she still would feel a bit lonely sitting at that huge table all by herself. Thinking she might go back to her room for a half an hour, or maybe grab some toast from the kitchen when she heard someone call her name.

"Lily! Lily, over here!" She turned her head to the sound of the voice, finding herself looking over to the Slytherin table. Michaels was waving her over. Shrugging to herself, she went over to him and his group of friends, sitting with three other girls.

"Good morning." She said to him.

"Morning. Everyone, this is Lily E..."

"Yes, we all know Lily Evans..." Another good looking boy said laughing. "It's nice to meet you Lily, I'm William Walsh." She shook the attractive boy's outstretched hand.

"Ed, Edmond Peters. Nice to meet you." Said another. She shook his hand too, and also that of Ignatius Nott, a bit larger than the other boys and slightly less attractive, but Lily couldn't help but notice that the four friends made quite a handsome group. Handsome, and also entirely composed of possible death eaters...

"Have breakfast with us." John offered.

"Thank you, I think I will." She said, taking the seat next to him, reviewing in her mind everything Potter had taught her. Constant vigilance... She felt in her robes to feel her wand but it wasn't there. Panic overtook her, but she didn't let it show. She must have left it in her room after her shower this morning... where else could it be?

She would stay in the Great Hall the whole time, there was little chance they would try something in the Great Hall, and if worse came to worse she could always try wandless magic...

Having convinced herself that she was in no immediate danger, she looked around to the group.

She was sitting across from the three girls she had seen before. They hadn't introduced themselves yet but she knew them already. Polly Abbot, a golden haired beauty from Hufflepuff, and Shannon Isaacs, a gorgeous raven haired Ravenclaw; both muggleborn like Lily. Then there was Miranda Gasche, a pureblood Slytherin, with almost painfully beautiful silvery blond hair. Lily knew all of them because she had classes with all of them. She had Charms with Abbot, DADA with Isaacs, and Potions with Gasche.

"So Lily, are you prepared for the practical exam, Thursday?" Isaacs asked.

"As prepared as I can be, I think. You?"

"I had my practice lesson yesterday, and I have another on Wednesday. By then I think I will be, as you said, prepared as I can be. But it's hard to be prepared for things like that, isn't it."

"What's this?" Walsh asked.

"We have a practical exam on nonverbal defence this Thursday in DADA.

"I heard about that from Victoria." Abbot chimed in. "She says apparently that all of the students get alone time with the Professor to practice for it. She seemed quite pleased about that."

"I expect she would..." Gasche drawled condescendingly. "It's disgusting the way she throws herself at him."

"Even with her little vow to seduce him I doubt she ever will...I heard that Professor Potter is already seeing someone, anyway." Isaacs said.

"Oh?" Lily couldn't help but ask, but glad to note that she had kept her voice sounding as apathetic as possible. She thought she would have known if he had, but it's not like he would talk to her about his love life... Still, if it was true he had kept it hidden rather well from her. So how come other people knew?

"Overheard Madame Pomfrey. Apparently he leaves the castle every other night to see her."

"Who?" Abbot asked. Who indeed, Lily thought amusedly. Gossip had already started. Someone had noticed Potter leaving the castle and assumed it was to meet a girlfriend. Lily was glad that she had always been under Potter's cloak so they wouldn't be seen together. Who knows what kind of terrible stories would have cropped up then...

"Agatha Argyle. No idea who she is, except that she works for the ministry. Apparently they've been seeing each other for a year."

That was _not_ what Lily had expected to hear. Argyle... She had heard the name before, several times, in fact, when he had been recounting auror stories for her. She had always assumed Argyle was a man though. For some reason, this new knowledge disheartened her. Not that she was jealous of Agatha Argyle, she wasn't, but after all that talk about truth and secrets a few days ago she felt somewhat betrayed. Yes, it had absolutely no connection with her or her life and it wasn't as if they were best friends who had to share everything with each other. She knew she had no right or reason to be put out but she was... which made it even more aggravating. She put her head in her hand and leaned her elbow against the table and sighed.

"Now girls let's change the subject. Look, you are boring Evans with your tittle-tattle..." Walsh said, pointing to Lily. To an outside observer she did appear bored.

"Who cares about Potter's love life anyway?" John said. "Did you read the Prophet yesterday? It said that there is a new..."

The conversation continued on throughout the meal, and more and more people started filling the Great Hall. Some Gryffindors noticed Lily sitting at the Slytherin table and waved at her uncertainly.

"You can go to your house table if you want now. They don't look to happy that you are sitting with Slytherins." John said, sounding disappointed.

"They can get over it." She said confidently. His face brightened.

"After all, we aren't from Slytherin either and we sit here..." Abbot said.

"Yes, but there's always been that extra special animosity between Slytherin and Gryffindor..." Walsh stated matter-of-factly, as if it didn't affect him at all. "But Lily, know that you are welcome at our table at any time."

John smiled at her, nodding as if to reassert the invitation. Lily had to hand it to Walsh, he was very charming in a smooth slick kind of way, where Michaels had that little boy charm to him. She was certain that both kinds of charm served them well when they truly went after something they wanted. She wouldn't let herself be lost in the boys' charm though. Although she didn't want to judge Slytherins as bad people, she had been told specifically that these boys could pose a threat, and she wasn't about to forget that.

Peters told a story at which everyone laughed uproariously. Lily laughed along with them, all the while keeping a watchful eye open. Several heads turned from several tables to watch the group. Lily happened to notice that Victoria White was among them, and looking confusedly at her, but she stopped watching Lily and her head jerked around quickly to look in another direction, after a moment of looking away, she looked curiously back to Lily, then away again. Lily followed her gaze and knew instantly what she had been looking at, or, at whom. Potter had entered the Great Hall, and had been looking at the group of them, just as everyone else had been. Once they had made eye contact, he turned away and strode up to the tables where the Professors sat. No one seemed to notice the Professor's entrance, save Victoria, and Lily only realised it because she had been watching Victoria at the time. Lily noticed that Potter still had a bit of grass on his robes; he must have woken up only a few minutes ago, and not even bothered to change before he went to breakfast...

"Almost time for class. We all have Potions first." John said.

When James woke up, it was daylight and to his slight disappointment, Lily was gone.

"Mornin." Came Hagrid's voice.

"Morning, Hagrid." James said, adjusting his glasses

"Why you fall asleep out here?"

"Because I was tired, I imagine. Lily fell asleep. I couldn't wake her and I couldn't leave her, so I just... conked out I suppose."

"You could have woken me up and I could have watched her and let you go back to the castle."

"I didn't think about that... but even if I had I wouldn't have wanted to wake you up. I didn't mind. It's been a long time since I slept outside under the stars... Nice, isn't it?"

"You looked very cozy, lying there in the hay together. Mercury curled up against her, and her curled up against you..."

"What time is it?" James asked, changing the topic with a legitimate enquiry.

"Let's see, Lily left just about an hour ago, just after sunrise. She insisted that I not wake you and she left in a hurry. Don't think you'll be late for anythin though..."

"Not at all. No classes this morning actually." He said standing up. As he did he noticed that something fell off his robes, a stick or something. He bent down to inspect it and realised that it wasn't a stick, but Evan's wand. She had lessons this morning and would definitely be needing it back. Although she had been making great improvements in wandless magic, he didn't think it was wise for her to start showing off that particular talent. Besides, her wandless magic still wasn't as quick or accurate as magic performed with a wand, precise and confident. He remembered the conversation they had had, about feeling vulnerable without a wand, even if someone was watching over you, but no one was watching her now. And now with the Slytherin threat seeming to suddenly approach she was exceptionally vulnerable. What if they attacked her that very morning? He picked up the wand and ran for the castle, ignoring Hagrid's "Where are you going?"

He ran up the flight of stairs to the Head Girl's room. "Vigilance." He said. The portrait swung forward but Lily was nowhere inside. He strode quickly to the Great Hall, in case she had gone to breakfast. He scanned the Gryffindor table, but she wasn't there either.

"Almost makes you want to be a Slytherin, doesn't it?" Said a seventh year Gryffindor next to him. This bizarre statement shook him from his need to find Evans and he turned to the boy.

"What?" He asked harshly. The boy, who had been talking to his friend looked startled to be addressed so coldly and so suddenly by a Professor. He gave an apologetic smile.

"Well... I mean... just look at them..." He said, nodding towards the Slytherin table. James turned to the direction the boy had indicated, where a group of young beautiful people were laughing and enjoying themselves thoroughly. He realised with a jolt that Lily was among them. She was sitting there, laughing with the rest of them. James somehow felt like he and Gryffindor had been betrayed. So that's why she left so quietly that morning and insisted that Hagrid not wake him. She was off gallivanting with Slytherins...

Almost as if she could feel his eyes on her she turned directly to him and stared, as if she knew he had been there. Her mouth was turned up, but the smile did not reach her eyes as she looked at him. She was dead serious. She wasn't a Gryffindor traitor, she is working, trying to infiltrate the dark lords ranks, trying to make Hogwarts and the world a safer place, sacrificing her own safety...

He couldn't very well walk over there and hand her back her wand, so he walked towards the Head table to pick at his breakfast until she left.

She did get up to leave, and he thankfully noted that she went by herself. Once she had left the hall he pushed back his chair and stood to go as well. He patted his pocket, making sure that her wand was still there, and walked purposefully out of the Great Hall.

"Vigilance." He said to the portrait once he had arrived.

Inside was a frantic looking Lily Evans turning over cushions and looking under the couch on hands and knees.

"Alright there, Evans?" He asked with cold casuality.

"Professor!" She exclaimed, not seeming surprised in the least to see him in her room, merely thankful. "My wand! It's gone! I can't find it anywhere! Let me use yours to summon it?"

"No need, I have it here." He said, pulling the lost wand from his robes.

"Thank God!" She said, racing over to him and snatching the wand away, clutching it safely to her breast. James noted that that had been the first time she had ever let something so muggle-like slip from her mouth. Only muggles swore to deities like that.

"It was in my robes this morning when I woke up, it must have fallen out of your pocket in your sleep. You should always, always check you have your wand before you go anywhere, do you understand? That's something even first years know." He said angrily. "You know how stupid and dangerous it is to go off without a wand, especially among Slytherins and especially for you!"

Lily's temper didn't flare with his, instead she looked away from him and said in a calm voice, "Yes, I know. I have class now. Good day Professor."

She slung her bag over her shoulder and left, leaving him standing alone in her room. He paced the length of the rug a few times before sitting down on the couch in front of the fireplace. He stood up immediately when he realised that the cushions weren't arranged, so he put them back in their places and retook his seat there, glaring into the fire.

Ok, so he shouldn't have scolded her like that. By her frantic appearance he knew that she had been worried about her lost wand. She wasn't a stupid girl, far from it. Did she really need him yelling at her to know that she should always keep her wand on her? No. What had that accomplished other than upset her? Nothing. He didn't know why but somehow he always lost his temper with her. Sirius's voice seemed to whisper in his head, 'it's because of all that built up frustration... and you can't take it out the way you want, so you lose your temper to blow off the steam, instead of...'

James shook his head. "Damn it, Sirius. Get out of my head... I was just worried about her... that's all."

'Because you worry about people you love...' His mental Sirius retorted.

James growled loudly, furiously messing up his hair and resumed his pacing. He felt the need to ball something up in his hands and chuck it into the fire. He saw a copy of the Daily Prophet, picked it up, ripped out several of its pages, compressed it using both hands into a fist sized bundle and fed it to the flames. Watching it burn seemed to mollify him...


	9. In Which Things Begin to Brew

"Almost time for class. We all have Potions first." John said.

"We do?"

"You, Gasche, and the lads and I do. You probably never noticed because you are always in the front and we sit near the back."

"Oh. I don't have my books. I'll meet you there." Lily said, getting up quickly. She needed to find her wand as soon as possible. She might be able to go through double potions without needing it, but there was no way she could manage double charms that afternoon without it. That and she felt utterly vulnerable without it.

She entered her room and checked the pockets of the robes she had been wearing that morning. It wasn't there. She checked in the bathroom, not there. She looked all over her bedroom and common room. It still was no where to be found. She was starting to panic when she heard Potter's voice.

Relieved at the presence of another wand, she asked to borrow his, but it turned out that he had her wand with him. Tremendously relieved, she was about to thank him heartily, and tell him how terrified she had been all morning without it, but she never got the chance, because he started yelling at her for her stupidity.

She hung her head. Yes, she _knew_ it had been stupid. She felt ashamed of herself for letting something like that happen. He was probably angry because he had spent time teaching her last night what to do when it came to death eaters, only to find out this morning that she had been completely irresponsible. He probably thought he was wasting his time teaching her, if she couldn't even remember to bring her wand how could she be expected to help him and the ministry flush out dark wizards at Hogwarts? It was one mistake, but apparently that was one too many. He was completely right. She was stupid. There was no defence she could make, so she just left for class.

She arrived to her Potion's lesson a few minutes early, so she took her seat and took out her essay that was due for that day. She read it over again, confident that it was entirely correct and that her theories were sound. Another O, she was sure. A few minutes later the group she had breakfasted with that morning entered the dungeon. John saw her, turned and said something to his friends, then walked over to her.

"Hi again."

"Hi yourself."

"Can I sit here?"

"Be my guest."

He sat down and took out his textbook from his bag. A moment later Professor Slughorn came and said "I will collect the essays now, and then we will move on to today's potion." He tapped the blackboard with his wand and the day's potion ingredients and brewing instructions appeared there. Lily glanced at the brewing method, apparently the second step after preparation of ingredients was to let it simmer until a grey mist rises. Lily pointed her wand at a blank piece of parchment on her desk and muttered a spell she had created herself. Instantly, what was written on the blackboard appeared on her page.

"Nice trick!" John said. "Never leaned that one..."

"I don't imagine you would have..."

"Criticizing my study habits, are you?"

"No, but I created that spell myself, making it rather difficult for you to have learned it elsewhere."

"You created it yourself?" He said, sounding impressed.

"Indeed I did."

"I can see how that could definitely come in handy, but why bother with it now? So you can study it later?"

"That, but also for another reason. Look at the second step under Brewing."

"Let simmer until a grey mist rises?"

"Exactly. Even if we are sitting in the front, by the time everyone gets to the third step the whole room will be filled with various mists and smoke and we won't even be able to see the board. This is to just simplify things, it's a hassle to have to run back and forth to the board to read it, and it's a hassle to have to waste time copying everything down before hand. So I just do this to spare my self the anxiety."

Slughorn approached their table and smiled down at his favourite student. She smiled back and handed him her essay, slightly longer than the required length. He read the title and his eyebrows raised.

"This looks very interesting Evans, I will enjoy reading it. Michaels?" He asked less warmly.

"Oh I have it sir." He replied, opening his text book and taking out some parchment that had been folded between its pages. The Professor glanced at the title, cleared his throat censoriously and walked on to collect the rest of the essays.

"What did you do yours on?" He asked her after the Professor was out of earshot. The assignment had been to write an essay on a topic you chose yourself on an advanced aspect of potion making.

"Unicorn's blood." She replied. She had been inspired by Mercury a few nights before, and had completely chucked her previous essay idea of magical poisons versus muggle poisons. Although Slughorn loved her, he was head of Slytherin house, and he was a pureblood. She didn't imagine that muggle poisons would interest him much.

"Bit dark..." He said.

"Not as dark as forbidden death magic..." She said, reminding him of their meeting on Sunday. He laughed.

"Very true. You know, you have some pretty dark tastes for a Gryffindor."

"I think it's fascinating." She said truthfully. She did find the dark arts terribly thrilling, but she wouldn't admit that to any Gryffindor. She knew that her obsession with the dark arts must come from Voldemort killing her parents, and she wanted to know all about the dark arts, and what she would be up against.

"I think _you're_ fascinating." He said. She turned to him, questioningly, but he turned his head away from her, blushing slightly. It had been ages since she had seen a boy blush. Perhaps he really _did_ fancy her. Maybe this had nothing to do with Death Eaters at all... an attractive thought, but she wouldn't let that fancy run away with her. That could get her into trouble. Potter would say that he is only acting that way to make her believe that's what he is interested in... Right now she didn't know what was true, but she would continue to be vigilant all the same.

She went to the student cupboard to collect the ingredients, taking her notes with her. She returned a few minutes later and began finely chopping.

"Anything I can do?" He asked her.

"Yes, peal the skin of these, make sure there is absolutely nothing but skin remaining. Anything else can taint the potion."

"Yes ma'am."

20 minutes later they had all the ingredients prepared and started brewing. As Lily suspected, the room was soon full of variously coloured smoke. Lily and John's potion however, was the perfect light grey mist that it should have been. Students were trekking to and from the board so they could read the instructions, some of them taking parchment with them to copy the remaining steps. Once they had completed their potion and put a sample into a bottle and stopped it, they cleaned up their area, and waited for the end of the lesson in 10 minutes, in which time the rest of the class tried frantically to complete the assignment.

"I should sit next to you more often, my mother would appreciate the improvement in my Potion's marks..." John remarked.

"You should indeed." She replied simply.

"Tell me what it feels like to be a genius..." He asked.

"I can't. I wouldn't know. Ask Dumbledore."

"Come on Evans..."

"I am magically gifted, yes. But I'm no genius."

"Nonsense Miss Evans you are the brightest pupil I've seen in a donkey's age!" Said Professor Slughorn, entering the conversation.

"Thank you, Professor. Oh, since your here, I have a favour to ask of you..."

"What is it?"

"May I borrow some ingredients from the school cupboard and maybe a few from your own personal store?"

"What for, my dear?"

"I am trying to invent a potion. One that would make you feel rested even if you haven't had much sleep."

"You think you can create a new potion yourself?"

"Why not? Witches and wizards created all the potions written in this book... it's not so uncommon, is it?"

"Very true my girl, what ingredients do you think you will need?"

"I made a list." She said, taking out said list and handing it to him.

"This seems very doable. But Miss Evans, don't you think it wise? A potion like that if used unwisely..."

"That can be said about any potion, Professor. All potions are to be used responsibly, and this one would be no different."

"Of course, Miss Evans. But a drink that will make you feel as if you don't need sleep?"

"Tell me Professor, do you drink tea?" She asked pointedly. Muggles and Magical kind alike were addicted to caffeine...

"Touché." He said grinning at her. Very well Miss Evans take what you will, and I wish you the best of luck. Come by my office this evening, I'll have the collected for you."

"Thank you Professor."

"If you succeed in this you get 50 points to Gryffindor, and I'll ask my old chum in the Potions Regulation division at the Ministry to see if we can get the thing patented."

"I'll do my best for your Professor."

"That's a good girl. Perhaps you can be a potion brewer for the Ministry after you leave here, I would be happy to recommend you." He said giving her a wink. "Alright class, time's up. Give me your samples and you are excused. She left the classroom, John walking out with her.

"What class do you have next?" He asked.

"I would normally have Defence Against the Dark Arts, but this weeks lessons are cancelled.

"Alright. I have Herbology."

"I was going out to the grounds, so I'll walk you there."

They walked to the greenhouses together. Again, Lily was on the alert for anything, but once again, it proved to be just pleasant conversation the whole time. No danger, no attacks. He waved goodbye as she continued on, out towards the grounds to Hagrid's hut. She knocked on the door, but he didn't answer, so she went around to the back to sit and talk to Mercury.

Hagrid returned 15 minutes later and was delighted to see Lily there waiting for him.

"Hey Hagrid. Thought I'd stop by for some tea."

"More than welcome. Come in."

"Thanks. So how goes things, Hagrid?"

"Well enough. With you?"

"Keeping busy."

"I expect so with all you've got on your plate."

"Not complaining though." Lily wanted to ask Hagrid if he knew about Agatha Argyle, but she didn't. Couldn't. What reason did she have for asking? Curiosity? No. She couldn't think of a legitimate reason for asking, so she didn't. Instead she just enjoyed Hagrid's company, as usual. After an hour she left for lunch, picking up John from the greenhouses on her way. Once again she found herself sitting at the Slytherin table with the same group from that morning. Potter didn't show up for lunch. Perhaps he was busy with helping some students in preparation for the exam on Thursday.

After double charms that afternoon she walked up to the DADA classroom. She wasn't sure if Potter had class. It was four in the afternoon, but some lessons were on until five. She was saved the trouble of pressing her ear against the door to see if there was a lesson going on, because she heard the sound of 30 chairs scooting back from their desks, and the sound of students marching towards the door. Lily stepped back to the opposite side of the hallway so she wouldn't be swept away by the flood of students that exited the classroom. Stiffening her resolve, she went in.

"Evans." He said, sounding surprised.

"Good afternoon, Professor Potter."

"What are you..." He began, but she cut him off.

"I made a mistake today, an egregious one, yes. I came here to tell you that I promise to all things good and magical that that will be _the last_ mistake I make. I swear to you. I'm serious about helping you. And I won't risk ruining a chance to expel any dark wizards from Hogwarts in any way. I ask you not to give up on me." She said.

James was mesmerised. Although her voice was as cold and hard as iron her green eyes were practically on fire when she spoke. He saw in her the way he felt when he decided to join the Ministry. That same thirst, that need to serve and protect. To do something for the greater good. To stop atrocities from happening and to fight for something he believed in. He saw that in Lily, and he couldn't have denied her anything she asked for just then. He had never considered not continuing to help her, but by his performance that morning, he could see how she had gotten that impression.

He held out his hand to her. She looked from the hand to his face, then took it in her own and shook it.

"You have a lot more to learn Evans. Yesterday I talked your ear off. Today, we practice."

"That's what I like to hear..."

"Today, since we don't have any supplies for disguises, we will work on stealth and concealment..."

For half an hour, he lectured as he demonstrated how to not be seen. "Because you might not always have my invisibility cloak." He had said. They moved the lesson out into the deserted hallway, learning about light, and shadows, finding blind spots and blending in. There were also spells that could be used if done silently, like the disillusionment charm he had used a few nights ago on Mercury.

She practiced walking silently, not making a sound. Back in the locked classroom he stood with his back towards her at the front of the class. She had to make it from the back of the classroom, manoeuvring around desks and chairs without him hearing her. She silently put a muffliato charm around her, so that she would make no sound. He commended her charm work, it was a great idea to be sure, but it would still serve her well to learn how to walk quietly. And animals could generally always hear even with a muffliato charm. He didn't know if they were immune to it, or if the charm only dulled the sound down past the point of human hearing. So she tried a few more times, finally getting the hang of it.

"You know in auror training this takes weeks. But you seem to get in a few hours.." He said. She glowed at the praise. A knock came at the door and both Lily and James's heads turned towards the door.

"I am going to open that door. By the time I do you had better not be visible. I don't want them to know you are here. If I ask them towards my desk, then you are to sneak out of the classroom without them noticing. Understand?"

She nodded and he left to go open the door. She looked around the room. She had used many places while practicing but she had to choose one that wouldn't be visible from the door and the teacher's desk. Quickly making up her mind she pressed herself into the shadow cast by a large arched pillar.

The door opened a moment later and she heard Potter welcome someone in.

"Evening Miss White."

"Good Evening Professor Potter. I was wondering, if it wasn't too much trouble, if you might help me a bit more. Even after today I still don't feel very confident for Thursday's exam..."

"Hmm... let me check my timetable... Come over here to my desk..." He told her.

'Alright,' Lily told herself. 'That means I have to go.' Carefully, silently, she slithered out of her corner and tread across the stone floor, keeping low so that in case White should turn around she would be concealed by the desks. She was making her way slowly across the classroom when she felt a red hot sting on her backside. She almost cried out in surprise. Almost. From between some chair legs she made sure that White wasn't looking. She raised her head above a desk and glared at her Professor. What had be been playing at, a stunt like that?

He caught her eyes and knocked on his desk as he looked over his schedule. It took her a moment to realise what he wanted but she understood. She made it to the other side of the room, and noticed that the large door to the classroom had practically shut due to its own tremendous weight. Nonverbally silencing the door, she opened the door slowly with another spell. Once it looked just big enough to let her through she slipped out.

She sighed in relief at having succeeded, then summoned the Inferi essay from her room. She had completed it during mealtimes and free period on Monday. Once she had it in her hand she knocked at the door (the way he had knocked on his desk) and walked in. He beamed as she entered, glad that she had understood he had wanted her to come back in once she had left.

"Professor?"

"Yes, Miss Evans."

"I have that essay for you." She said, handing him the essay. He took it from her and scanned it. He looked up from the parchment to look at her incredulously.

"You... really did your homework."

"Did we have an assignment?" Victoria asked, sounding slightly worried.

"No, this was an extra research assignment I asked Miss Evans to do." He said, looking back to the essay. "I never knew that about Inferi..."

"Neither did I..."

"Miss Evans, would you mind practicing with Miss White while I read over your essay?"

"Not at all, Professor."

"Miss White?"

"That's fine..." She said unconvincingly. She didn't look very pleased at the thought of practicing with Lily, but she took her position across the room anyway.

Lily began easy, saying the spells aloud for a change. Victoria defended them all. She also managed to defend herself from almost all of the medium spells too, save one that nicked her barely. It was the same red hot stinging one Potter had used on her behind only moments ago. Victoria managed to block half of the advanced spells without saying anything, the other half she mumbled under her breath in hopes that the Professor wouldn't hear, and Lily politely pretended not to notice either.

"Well Miss White it looks like you are more prepared than you thought."

"I guess so..." She said through clenched teeth, glaring at Lily. To a man, that might have looked like an appreciative smile. But any woman would recognize it for what it was. A great big 'Why did you have to show up and ruin everything?' look.

Lily mouthed a 'sorry!' and gave White a smile she hoped looked apologetic and sincere. It seemed to have worked because Victoria's face softened, apparently convinced that Lily wasn't there as a rival, but an accidental inconvenience, that had blundered in unknowingly.

"If you still feel unsure then come to class 10 minutes early on Thursday and you can have some last minute practice then." He said.

"Alright thank you Professor!" She said. "Are you going down?" She added to Lily.

"I suppose so, what time is it, is the Great Hall serving dinner yet?"

"I don't know, it's..." She looked down at her watch, but she didn't read out the time because Potter cut her off.

"Actually, I wonder if I might have a word about this essay before you go, Miss Evans."

"Yes, Professor." She said, and gave White an apologetic shrug. Victoria White left looking none too pleased, but at least she didn't look angry with Lily, just unhappy that things hadn't gone according to her plans.

Potter's eyes were still running over the essay after White had left. "We really will get back to practicing, let me just finish this." He said.

"Ok." She said, sitting down, cross-legged on top of his big wooden desk. A few minutes later he put the parchment down and looked at her.

"I wouldn't have assigned you this topic if I had known..."

"Don't apologise. It was... enlightening."

"When you say enlightening, it sounds like this really nice, bright happy experience..."

"Alright so it was repugnantly educating."

"That's better."

"I still don't regret doing it."

"But it's not an appropriate topic for a..."

"A what?" Lily shot out angrily. "A girl? A student? A what? Stop thinking of students as little defenceless charges you need to protect. You are an educator, and a great one at that. Your job is to open their minds, sharpen their abilities... Not keep them sheltered. Especially me. I don't want you to protect me from anything short of bodily harm. Don't ever stop yourself from teaching me something because you are worried about wounding my _delicate sensibilities._ There were a lot worse things that I didn't even add in that essay. I may be an innocent young girl but I am not an ignorant one. Innocence kept in ignorance is not fit to protect itself. That's what a child is. I am not a child anymore, regrettably. So I would appreciate it if you didn't treat me as one."

"I... I..." He stopped and sighed. "Is it so bad?"

"What?"

"Is it so bad to want to keep unpleasant things away? To want to keep innocence in blissful ignorance?"

"No offence, Professor, but you picked a hell of a subject to teach if that's your way of thinking."

"No! It's not. I fully believe that people should be able to defend themselves against what's out there, especially now. But unnecessary worries in these dark times seem just to be another burden you don't have to bear. What good does that knowledge do you?"

"Who knows. There are loads of things I know that may or may not come in handy some day. Defence Against the Dark Arts as an entire subject, for one. In fact, it's something I hope most people _never_ have to use, but it would be stupid not to know just for wishful thinking. No, I may never encounter an Inferi, and even if I did knowing the horrible way they were made might not come in handy, but at least it would give me an idea of the truth."

"The truth?"

"_**THE**_ truth."

"I still don't get it." He said. Lily nodded. He was a pureblood wizard after all, he was never dragged to Sunday school every week. He didn't know the story of Adam and Eve. Lily knew that if she had been in Eve's shoes, well, Even went around naked so she wouldn't have been wearing shoes, but if she had been in Eve's position, she would have eaten the fruit too. She would want that knowledge of good and evil... Lily wasn't a religious person, nor did she believe in God, but she did believe in good and evil. Justice and injustice.

"The truth about what this world is really made of."

"But it's not all dark."

"I know that too, and someday I hope to find happiness, but that's not the point right now. The point is, that I want to make this world a better place. How am I supposed to do that if I don't even know what it is I'm fighting against?"

The Lily Evans he was staring out seemed cold, determined and hard. Completely different from the Lily Evans he had spoken to a few nights before about finding love. She had seemed like such a romantic then, now she looked like a she could be the next Mad Eye Moody. He would have called it anger or rage, but it was too cold. Rage blazed, passionate and uncontrollable. He wanted her to find what she was looking for. He wanted her to know the truth, learn of the true terrors and the true wonders of this world.

She wanted truth. The truth, what was that? He thought to himself. If he were to be completely honest with himself what would he discover? The truth was that he wanted to hold her close, let her fall asleep in his arms, and he wanted to fall asleep holding her.

Even though she wasn't a child, he still wanted to protect her, keep her safe. He wanted to give her the knowledge she wanted but he always wanted to keep her from any worry. He wanted her to smile all the time. He didn't want her to know any more pain or death... and yet, that's not what she wanted. Nor was he willing to give her that truth. He had only just realised it himself. She wanted to seep right into the core of the earth, mix with the slime and the refuse and also natural springs and mines of gold and precious stones. She wanted to be rock hard and still be soft and smooth. A creature of the night and the day. To fight and to love... Was that really too much to ask for? He too yearned for both.

James realised his train of thought and shook himself, and turned his gaze back to the essay he was holding to distract him. Had he really just thought that he wanted to fall asleep holding her? That was not acceptable. He had to draw the line right now. There was already a student teacher line, but that one had already been crossed over a few times for one reason or another. He needed another line, a more concrete barrier. One that would stop his mind from wondering to where it shouldn't. The age line wouldn't work either, seeing as how she was of age. He rubbed his eyes thinking 'my aunt and uncle are 5 years apart'. Then he thought of it, the line that so many girls had used in the past (but not on him of course). 'Just friends'. Friends were allowed to care for each other and hang out, but there was no danger of... well... that is, it was safer that way. Calling her a friend was the only way he could keep her close... Otherwise he would have to push her away entirely. If that was the only thing he could legitimately have, he would take it. No, better yet, he didn't even want anymore. He just cared for Evans as a friend.

"When is your birthday Evans?" He asked suddenly.

"What?" She said, rightfully confused.

"Your date of birth, the day you eat cake and get presents because you were born, when is it?"

"November 1st. Why?"

"So recent! That was just last week!"

"The day we found Mercury. What are you on about?" James thought back to that day, and remembered that cake on Hagrid's table. Friends always knew their friend's birthdays, he thought.

"I have a present for you." He said disappearing into his office. He knew it was around here somewhere. Once he found it at the bottom of one of his many trunks he went back out and handed it to Lily. "Sorry it's not wrapped."

She took it, unsure and stared at it for a while. It wasn't a book, per se, more of a compilation of notes that was the length of a book.

_Things You Never Wanted to Know About the Dark Arts,_

_Alastor Moody._

"What... is this?"

"Notes. Mad Eye gave me this my first week at training. He wrote them himself. This is a compilation of stories, and information that came with years of being an auror. He's seen more than any man I know. I never actually read the whole thing, I got too busy with training work to read it all... but the parts I did read were eye opening. Real cases, real stuff. There is a reason he's hard as nails."

Lily had opened it to the first page and was reading it avidly. Encouraged by what she read on the first pages she flipped ahead 20 pages or so, then another 20. Skimming each time she stopped. She looked up to him and smiled softly.

"Thank you."

"Now why don't you sneak downstairs and start reading that thing."

"Yes sir!" She said sliding off the desk and out of the room.

Lily didn't exactly sneak back to her room. She walked the way she usually would, well, perhaps a bit quicker than her normal pace, because she was anxious to start reading. She read for an entire hour before she grudgingly switched to actual homework. She wanted to finish at least some of it before she collected her ingredients from Slughorn and met John in the Great Hall for dinner.


	10. Cheers Indeed

That night at dinner, James found himself sitting next to Slughorn at the Head Table.

"Ah look, Miss Evans is sitting at the Slytherin table." James had already noticed this of course, but he turned to look anyway and replied.

"So she is."

"I say, that girl would make an excellent Slytherin. A more cunning witch when it comes to Potions I have never seen."

"I think she is quite fine in Gryffindor."

"Of course you'd say that, being a Gryffindor yourself. But think of what a girl like that could achieve if she were in Slytherin."

"Miss Evans would indeed be a credit to any house she belonged to."

"Lucky for you she belongs to Gryffindor, but look how well she gets on with my house. Pity she is muggleborn."

"How so, sir?" James asked, keeping control of his temper.

"Well, in this day and age people would be less willing to hire a muggleborn over a pureblood, even if they are remarkably talented like Miss Evans, there. I told her that when she graduated I would have a word with my friend about finding her a job as a potion brewer for the Ministry."

"Potion brewer? Somehow I can't see Evans brewing potions for the rest of her life."

"I suppose she should be doing something more towards Defence Against the Dark Arts? Every teacher wants their students to be moved by their subject, but Evans really has a gift for potion brewing."

James forbore to say that she had an even more uncanny talent when it came to defence, well, not just defence but duelling, actual_ fighting_. Not only had she that powerful self protective spell that she couldn't control, but her nonverbal defence and attacks were impressive. Her mind was sharp and her reflexes quick. That and she had even told him that her dream was to become an auror like him. So there. Eat that Slughorn.

"Miss Evans..." Dumbledore interrupted, apparently having been listening in on this conversation, "has many gifts, not just potions and all other things magical. She would be equally fulfilling her talents if she were to become a singer on the stage, or a mother, or a Care of Magical Creatures teacher..."

"Care of Magical Creatures, Albus?" Slughorn asked.

"Of course. Miss Evans is in custody of a baby unicorn, and is nursing it back to health, and has become its adopted mother until it is old enough to be on its own. She spends all of her nights with it and has taken care of it most lovingly and dutifully."

"Does she now... that might explain her essay. I finished reading it just before dinner. It was very clever. An Essay on the Varied Uses of Unicorn Blood. Excellent read." Slughorn said. James had read the essay as well, and although he admitted it was well written and informative, it was a far cry from what James would call an 'excellent read' but then again, he never had much patience with Potions. He realized he had been staring at her as they spoke. She looked up to the enchanted ceiling which reflected the sky outside. It was starting to go dark. She turned her gaze towards him and they made eye contact. She leaned her head towards the exit. He nodded. She turned back to the group at the Slytherin table and got up.

"It looks like you will have to be going too, Mr. Potter." Dumbledore said.

"Yes sir. Enjoy the rest of your meal."

"Professor Potter and Hagrid accompany Miss Evans out on the grounds every night to secure the Head Girl's safety..." James heard Dumbledore explain as he walked away. Dumbledore was a great man, he knew that, but why was he going on about this? In James's opinion, the fewer people who knew about it the better.

Evans was just outside the Great Hall waiting for him, carefully hidden from view behind a corner. It was just a precaution. He walked passed her to the front doors and she followed. A few students lingered on the steps as the sun set. As usual he brought out the cloak and put it over her.

Walking down the steps some of the girls started giggling and called out to him. "Evening Professor Potter!"

Potter turned around and gave them a quick 'good evening' back, which sent them into a fresh fit of hysterics. Lily rolled her eyes. She wasn't the giggling sort, but even if she were it would take a lot more than a 'good evening' to get her started. Honestly, some girls...

"Did you say something funny that I missed?" She said, sarcastically.

"Now now Evans, don't make fun of your peers."

"You make fun of me all the time."

"Yes but that's different. Mine is good natured teasing, yours was condescending. Besides, its only fun if the object of your teasing is there to hear it."

"Alright, how's this..." She said, preparing to make a joke at his expense

"Oh but you can't tease me."

"Aww... why not?"

"Because I am your Professor and you must respect me."

"People make fun of their teachers all the time."

"Yes, but not to their faces. See how this works Evans? To show respect to your peers, you make fun of them to their face, and to show respect to your teachers, you do it behind their backs. It's just how the world works."

"And if someone is somewhere between a peer and a professor?" She asked tentatively.

The corners of his mouth turned up into a reluctant smile. "You are a clever girl Evans, figure it out."

It was a good thing she was under the cloak, because she felt her cheeks redden with warmth. The lights were on in Hagrid's hut, and Potter knocked on the front door. Hagrid opened it, his wide berth taking up the entire doorframe.

"Evening Potter."

"Evening Hagrid." He said pleasantly.

"I think you might be losing your touch Potter, it seems that saying 'good evening' wasn't nearly as funny this time..." Lily said as she stepped inside. Potter pulled the cloak off of her and leaned in towards her ear and said in a low whisper.

"Getting better, Evans. Not great, but getting better." She felt the blush from a few moments before reassert itself and she turned away from him, only to face Hagrid.

"Lily, you alright? Your face is all red..."

"Just a bit cold outside, right Evans?" Potter said throwing an arm around her shoulder, giving her arm a rub and an annoying knowing smirk. She blushed even more furiously and she ducked out from underneath his arms and headed for the back door.

"A bit of cold I must suffer through a bit longer, it seems. I'll be outside." She hoped Potter caught on to that last bit, about suffering through his presence, but if he didn't it was no great loss. She would have to suffer through the cold as well.

A minute of so later Hagrid and Potter came outside with drinks in hand. She had stopped singing her lullaby as they appeared.

"Don't stop Lily." Hagrid said.

"I don't want to interrupt the conversation." She replied, though really it was an excuse; she didn't like singing in front of people.

"You know, Dumbledore said to Slughorn that Evans here would make a singer, with the voice she has..." James remarked conversationally, but knowing full well that it would embarrass the girl.

"True, she could be." Hagrid agreed.

"_Slughorn_ thinks she should brew potions for a living." The way he pronounced the Potion Master's name would lead one to believe that the word itself was slimey, and left a foul taste in his mouth.

"What do you think she should do?" Hagrid asked him.

"Who? Flobberworms for brains Evans, here? She'll be lucky if she can be a conductor on the Knight Bus." He replied.

"Ha ha ha. Perhaps you should be comedian rather than a professor. You know Hagrid, he is actually so funny, sometimes he doesn't even have to say anything to make people burst out laughing; the mere sight of him is enough."

At this Potter doubled over in mirth, nearly spilling his drink on himself. Once he controlled himself he downed it so as not to run the risk of spilling it in the future.

"See? Even _he_ isn't immune to his own hilarity."

"Well done Evans. A hit, a hit, a palpable hit."

"Watch out, you are doing it again, Potter."

"Doing what?"

"Revealing your fetish."

"Fetish?" Hagrid asked.

"Only people who know about it themselves could recognize it in me, so there is no real danger of the pure bloods coming out to get me."

"Purebloods? Recognize what? What fetish?" Hagrid asked.

"He has a thing for muggle literature..." Lily said conspiratorially in a stage whisper.

"Not all muggle literature, mainly Shakespeare." He said defensively.

"Which even among muggles is a dorky thing to like."

"Did you just call me a dork, Evans?"

"Certainly not, Professor. I hold you in the highest respect and would never insult you like that... to your face." At this both Lily and James started laughing again, and Hagrid was still lost, but he smiled all the same at how well they were getting along. It seemed that Lily was much happier now that she was spending time with Potter and Mercury. She didn't spend her time in her own sad thoughts anymore, but laughing, and helping. Hagrid had always like James, and he had always liked Lily, but he liked them even more when they were together, because that's when they were at their happiest, and Hagrid wanted them both to be happy.

Once Mercury had finished feeding, and Potter had finished another glass of whatever it was Hagrid had served him, they left, Lily under the cloak. After they entered the castle again, Lily was about to head up the stairs when Potter yanked the cloak off of her.

"What the..."

"My turn." He said, throwing it over him. Lily shrugged. It was his cloak and she understood how nice it was to be invisible. She remembered the last time he had been under the cloak. She had been in her underwear, and he had trailed that silky touch up her arm and replaced her fallen bra strap. She blushed again, for the third time that evening.

"Drafty, this old castle, isn't it?" James whispered in her ear so that no one else could hear. The fact that he had noticed her blushing embarrassed her even more. "Poor Evans, you just seem to be getting colder and colder." She felt the familiar arm go around her to warm her. He was doing this to tease her and they both knew it. What she hoped he _didn't_ know, was just how that arm slung so casually around her affected her heart rate. What was with him this evening? He seemed to be more playful... teasing... more enticing than usual. It both thrilled and terrified her.

She had learned that she could stand to be in his company, but any physical contact should be avoided. She had to draw the line somewhere, and the easiest and safest line was a physical one. Any physical touching at all was unnecessary, even in such a strange and messed up relationship as hers and Potter's was. Ok, so asking him for help in healing her and getting out of her clothes was an exception, because that was needed. She couldn't imagine any other circumstance where touching would be necessary, so she banned it thenceforth. No more unnecessary touching, for her own sake. She already was in trouble as it was. It was true, she wasn't some giggling girl that whose heart pounded if he spoke two words to her, but she wasn't immune to his touch. _Quite the opposite_. She wondered vaguely just what those girls would do if Potter put their arms around one of them one day. She had no idea, and was sure that no good could come of pondering that line of thought...

"Thanks, I'm warm now." She whispered, so as not to attract other people's attention.

"Alright then, if you're sure Evans..." He said, and the weight and warmth of his arm vanished. A moment later she realized that it wasn't just the warmth of his arm that had gone, but the warmth of his presence. She whirled around, stupidly, she realised, it's not as if she would have been able to see where he had gone. But the painting at the end of the corridor caught her eye. The bowl of fruit. She suspected that Potter might have headed to the kitchens, and her suspicions were confirmed when she saw the pear giggle, and the portrait swing forward slightly before shutting again.

She followed after, tickling the pear and gaining entry. Sure enough, there was Potter, standing with his back to her, talking to one of the elves. Her entry didn't go unnoticed by the others, and several house elves hurried up to Lily asking what she wanted.

"Hot chocolate." She replied.

Potter, who hadn't heard her come in, heard the fuss the elves were making over her and turned around curiously.

"Evans." He said in surprise.

"Thought you could give me the slip, eh?"

"Well... yeah... I thought I did, actually. How did you...?"

"I realised you were gone, saw the portrait of the bowl of fruit and put two and two together." She stated.

"One, how did you know I was gone, and two, how did you know I would go into the kitchens?"

"I just did. No more questions. Oh thank you..." She said to the house elf who had brought her a steaming cup of hot chocolate. James just looked at her in confusion.

"But how.."

"No. More. Questions. I am just amazing, that's all." She couldn't tell him the truth. That she felt warm when he was around, and colder when he was no longer near. How weird did that sound... She blew on her drink to cool it down a bit, in hopes she wouldn't burn her tongue, but when she took a sip it was still a bit too hot. For a moment she though about reaching for her wand to do a cooling charm, but then decided she would try this one with her bare hands. Closing her eyes, she concentrated on the exact temperature she wished her chocolate to be. She felt a chill running through her fingertips and into the mug for a moment, then it stopped. She opened her eyes with a grin and took a trying sip. Success. It was perfect. She glowed with satisfaction. It seemed like she was getting better and better with simple spells.

She drank her hot chocolate and the walked back out of the kitchens, waving goodbye to the elves as she left. To the elves, but not to him. Had he just been snubbed? And how did she know that he had left her and gone into the kitchens? He shoved the last bit of _pain au chocolat_ in his mouth and strode out of the kitchens after her.

"Vigilance." He said wondering for the first time if Lily had chosen that password herself. Lily was already settled on the couch with a book in her lap, blanket around her, and was scribbling away on a piece of parchment.

"How did you know I had gone to the kitchens?" He demanded once he had entered.

"Honestly don't you have anything more important to do with your time then harass me about my mystifying ways?"

"Yes, I do have parchment to grade." He said sitting down and summoning them with his wand. They whooshed into the room and he caught them, slamming them down on the table. "And I am going to sit right here and do it until you tell me."

He took out the first essay and started grading. Lily seemed completely unperturbed. She just kept on working on into the night. As did James, and although he made sure to glare at her between essays, it didn't seem to affect her in the slightest. She moved from subject to subject in complete silence. What seemed like ages later she stood up and stretched, then walked out of the common room without saying a word. James glanced at his watch and noted that it was already a quarter to midnight. She had gone to meet Hagrid.

It appeared as if she wasn't going to tell him anything, no matter what, so he decided that as soon as he finished grading this batch of essays, he would admit defeat and go.

He was surprised to see her return half an hour later. He had only read 2 more essays in that time. She walked straight through the common room without stopping, though she managed a wave and a 'Evening Potter." Before she disappeared. She reappeared a few minutes later smelling of shampoo and wearing pyjamas. She took up her position on the couch again and continued working.

At 1:30 in the morning she threw down her quill and stood up. She walked over to one side of the common room, picked up her cauldron and brought it over to the fire. She started preparing the ingredients for who knows what potion. Since he wasn't a big potion fan he turned his mind back to his work, completely having forgotten that he was there to make her tell him the truth. Now he just felt like they were just doing work together, and it didn't seem strange to either of them. 15 minutes later he heard her coughing, and looked up to her. Her cauldron was emitting copious amounts of black smoke, and she quickly took it the window to let the gas escape to the outside.

"I'm going to need to take another shower after this." She said. Vanishing the contents with evanesco, and cleaning it with a good strong scourgify. She took the cauldron back to the fireplace and started again.

At three thirty in the morning she took the cauldron off the fire and set it on a special plate on the table.

"Now I just need to let it cool."

"Now you just need to go to sleep."

"If I get this potion right I won't."

"You mean not until you get this potion right, right?"

"I said what I meant. If I brew this potion correctly, I won't need to sleep. Curses! how long did I let it simmer?"

James looked at his watch then at the potion. "You let it simmer until it looked like that... which for you was 42 minutes."

She wrote it down on the same piece of parchment she had been scribbling on all morning. Then she curled up in her blanket and lied down on the couch.

"I hope this works..."

"And if it doesn't?" James asked.

"Then I'll probably have to go to the hospital wing to get my stomach emptied. But I have a bezoar handy in case I've created something poisonous. I don't think I have though, none of those combinations seem lethal to me."

"Wait, what exactly are you doing here, Evans?"

"I'm brewing a potion, Potter. I'm creating my own potion that will, hopefully, allow the drinker to feel rested even if he or she has had little or no sleep."

"You create your own potions?"

"Not that much different than creating my own charms..."

"Except that it's potions and therefore much harder."

"Well there's that, yes. I think this potion will prove quite useful in the upcoming month... if I've managed to brew it correctly that is. I'll find out after it's cooled. I think that if it's would keep well if it's kept cold..."

"You don't even know if it will work or not yet."

"No, but thank you, your confidence in me is overwhelming." She said shutting her eyes.

"Going to sleep?"

"Taking a nap until it settles and cools. Wake me up in an hour if you are still around."

James looked at his watch. It was late, really late. He was surprised he hadn't passed out yet. But then again he was in one of his moods. He could put things off for ages and ages, and then spend hours at a time doing nothing but work. He liked getting things done. Hopefully he would be finished grading everything in the next hour. If he did, then that would mean he was finished grading everything for the entire week. Everything that he could possibly do, he would have done. There was a fine feeling of accomplishment in that.

He checked his watch after he finished the last one. There was still a few minutes left before he had to wake her. He got up and stretched, wanting badly a cup of tea, or maybe a cigar and some brandy. None of those things being available to him, he just stood by the window and let the cool air wake him up. He dreaded classes the next day. Wednesdays were always the worst. He had nearly every year on Wednesdays.

Checking his watch again he went over to Lily and shook her awake.

"Time already?" She yawned.

"Are you actually going to drink that yourself?"

"Well not like I'm going to let you drink it, now am I?" She said, ladling a portion into a glass. "Cheers." She said drinking it down in three gulps.


	11. In Which Potter Doesn't Smell THAT Bad

James watched her carefully, waiting for any sign that she might be ill, ready to rush her down to the hospital wing... but for several moments, nothing happened. Nothing that he could tell, anyway. But suddenly her eyes seemed to open wider and she seemed to be bounding with fresh energy.

"Evans? You alright?"

"It worked! I feel completely rejuvenated. I have to write down the sensations in my notes..." She said, scribbling away again. I wonder if it will last as long as I hoped. I don't want to be tired again until tonight. Want to try some? You look a bit fatigued."

"I am a bit." He said unsuccessfully suppressing a yawn.

"Feeling brave?" She said, holding out a newly filled glass. It was a cheap shot one could always use on a Gryffindor to get them to do anything. "It doesn't taste bad at all."

"Why the hell not." He said with a shrug, taking it from her.

The liquid was cool going down his throat, and it seemed to freeze his stomach. He felt a chill go throw out his entire body in a sudden snap bringing him immediately awake.

"It _does_ work." He said, amazed. 10 minutes ago he was exhaustedly complaining about facing the day, now he felt energized and completely capable.

"The bad thing is, now I can't go to sleep, so I have to think of something to do for the next few hours..." She said. "Wednesdays are rough for you aren't they... need any help preparing for your lessons?"

"No, I've planned out all lectures for today."

After a few minutes they decided that the most appealing activity was to go out to the Quidditch pitch for a ride. This time she rode Hero and he chose Desdamona, the two latest models his collection at Hogwarts. No one was on the pitch this time, Lily thought thankfully. She mounted her broom and pushed off hard, soaring straight up towards the sky upwards of 50 feet. Once she felt she was high enough, far enough above everything she stopped and drank in the cold clear air. She exhaled and watched her breath as it escaped her mouth. Her heart which had been pounding on the mad ascent was now steadied. Then, slowly, she tipped her broom downwards and suddenly plummeted back down towards the earth, only pulling away at the last possible second so she didn't collide with the ground. She stayed low and flew slowly, putting both legs over the same side, so that if she were riding a horse, rather than a broom, she would be riding side saddle, letting the tips of her feet trail against the grass. It was too unstable a position to ride at any proper height, she imagined, but it suited her quite well just then.

She looked upward, trying to spot her professor, but she didn't see him anywhere in the sky. It was so clear that night that even though the moon had only began to wax, the stars shone so brightly that she could see well enough. She lowered her line of vision and found him in the exact same spot she had left him. He hadn't even mounted his broom yet, he just stood there leaning against it, watching her. Once she had looked to him he went over to her, leaving his broom where it was, and simply walked alongside her as she rode. He was acting like an ever dutiful guard dog. She wished he would stop worrying about her and enjoy himself. He could leave her side for a moment. So long as she remained in sight and an easy enough distance he shouldn't have to worry. They walked/flew the length of the field in silence before Lily interjected.

"You belong in the air, Potter. It seems almost a sacrilege for you to be on the pitch without also being on a broom..."

His eyebrows raised and he lifted his head to inspect the sky. "I suppose you are right, Evans." Without warning he straddled her broom. She almost fell off at the sudden movement and quickly put on leg back on the other side to keep her balanced. He flew upwards, not at the stark 90 degree angle Lily had done earlier, but an easier incline.

Lily, who needed to hold on so she wouldn't slide off, considered quickly where she could hold on to. Long as she might, to wrap her arms around his middle and hold him in a hug that way, she knew that would be going against her new "no unnecessary touching" policy. She would be just as safe using her hands to hold onto his shoulders. At the easy angles and speeds he was using, she didn't think she would need to cling to him that desperately.

James had been watching Lily soar and dive, then trail along slowly, as if she were floating along some sort of invisible rivulet in the air. She was a fair flyer, might make a nice chaser if she had the desire to play Quidditch at all, which he highly doubted she did. She looked at him curiously so he approached her, but when he did she had nothing to say, so he simply walked beside her in silence. He liked being next to her. It was like walking with Sirius or Remus, yet different. So easy, not demanding at all, just at peace and content in each others' presence.

She said something about it being a pity from him to have come to the Quidditch pitch and not even fly. She had a point. On impulse he got on her broom and rose into the air, careful not to go so fast so she fell off. He half hoped she would cling to him, so he could feel her warmth against his back, but she didn't. She was too prudent for that. She tentatively held on to his shoulders instead. He was glad he was in front, because she couldn't see the wicked smile that crossed his face. He had a devious plan. Well, considering all the plans he and Sirius had come up with, this one was actually pretty tame, but he was sure if Lily knew what he was up to, she would be thoroughly shocked, which excited him more.

He flew away from the pitch, out onto the grounds, easily, casually. Once they were over the lake he gripped the broom tightly. He did a sudden nose dive, which caused Lily to slide into his back. Then he turned onto his side and looped around, so she would have to hold on a lot tighter if she didn't want to fall into the waters below. As he expected, she quickly snaked her arms under his and she squeezed tightly, not only with her arms, but he felt her inner thighs tighten, clenching his hips.

"You did that on purpose you wanker."

"Did what?"

"Tried to make me fall off..."

"I was only testing you."

"And what if I had fallen in?"

"I probably would have laughed..."

Lily was shocked silent for a moment, wondering if she should be shocked, outraged or amused. After imagining actually falling in the lake she couldn't help but laugh as well.

James heard her laughing and started laughing as well. He was so glad she wasn't a stick in the mud. Agatha would probably have yelled at him or cried. She was always crying... Lily laughed. She _laughed_. Then again he should have expected that.

"What do you think Potter, fancy a swim?"

"That water is bound to be freezing."

"Chicken?"

"Is that a challenge?"

"You are a clever boy, Potter, figure it out."

"Alright then, here we go." He said, going into a dive again. Down, down, down towards the lake they went. Closer, closer, any second now they would crash into the water. Lily squeezed even tighter and began giggling at the expectation. This was madness, and she like it. 3...2...1.. She shut her eyes an waited for the cold water to surround her, but it never came. Instead she felt the broom yank up and they were again parallel with the earth, toes skimming the top of the water. Lily didn't even realize she was laughing like a madwoman until she almost slipped off the broom. At the edge of the lake they stopped and got off and Lily fell to the ground, clutching her sides and she laughed even louder.

"That was amazing! I thought we were going in for sure!" She between bursts of laughter.

"You actually thought I would?"

"Yes, for a while I thought you might actually be as crazy as I am."

"I actually was going to, until I remembered I was wearing my grandfather's watch. Didn't want to get it wet..." He said. Lily seemed to be more or less in control now.

"Ah, good thinking, that."

"I thought so."

"But Merlin that would have been something. I haven't been swimming in the lake since the end of last year."

"What were you doing in the lake in 6th year?"

"Well, back in 5th year Rupert dared me. And I'm not one to turn away from a dare. After that I kept going back for visits. Did you know there are merpeople in the lake?"

"No, I didn't."

"Well now you do. Lot friendlier than I expected them to be."

"What exactly was the dare?"

"Not so much a dare as a challenge. But he dared me to... erm.. skinny dip... well... skinny dive more like, to the bottom of the lake, and bring back something interesting."

"And did you succeed?"

"Of course. I have this necklace one of the mermen gave me."

"Kind of him."

"I think I made a good impression."

"Being naked and all?"

"Pretty much. See Potter, I'm not embarrassed by telling nudity stories."

"Who says I am?"

"I do."

"Well I'm not, I just don't have any."

"I _highly_ doubt that but I'll let it go." She said standing up and started walking.

"Where are you going?"

"No idea... in that direction apparently, because that's where my feet are pointing."

James shrugged. They had nothing better to do. They followed the path round the lake until they were back to the side that was facing Hogwarts. By habit, she walked over to Hagrid's. Mercury was awake and happy to see her. She let him out to let him join their walk around the lake. She told James that she didn't think Mercury was getting enough exercise. Back around the lake they went, Lily half humming, half singing as she usual did in Mercury's presence. James wondered why she didn't do it more often. All of a sudden Lily gasped and James wheeled around to face her.

"What? What is it?"

"Look! Mercury is nibbling on grass!" She said proudly. She swooped down on him and showered him with affection and praise. She really was like a parent to it, he realised.

Suddenly Mercury's head snapped up, eyes focused in the direction facing the forest, and Lily and James both turned their heads to see what had caught the infant's attention. An arrow zinged past them, hitting a nearby tree. James put himself in front of Lily, and Lily put herself in front of Mercury.

"It's ok, it's just the centaurs."

"I don't know about you, Evans, but in my experience, centaurs have never been all that welcoming... Case and point, the arrow."

"That's just them sending us a message."

"That they want to kill us?"

"No, that..." But she didn't finish.

"You human, what are you doing here?" One chestnut bodied centaur bellowed. Lily recognised him, and the other two that followed behind. The leader, Damien, and then Firenze, a lighter coloured and sweeter tempered youth, and Bane, an older, very dark one Lily had actually never heard speak.

"Taking a walk." James replied casually. Lily poked him from behind, you had to be respectful to centaurs if you wanted to get along...

"We wish you a pleasant morning," Lily said stepping out from behind them and giving them a sort of bow curtsey. "We apologise if we have made any offence."

"Lily Evans." Damien said with a curt nod, not out of respect but in acknowledgment. "The forest is not the place for humans. Go back to your castle. We will not hurt you."

"Come here Mercury." She beckoned to the unicorn. He walked up to her obediently. "I may not belong here, but he does."

"You called him Mercury?" Firenze asked politely.

"Yes."

"A strong name. At this time of night Mercury is not visible in the sky."

"Yes I know, but surely you have been watching the stars. Hagrid spoke to you."

"He did but it is none of our concern what humans do... It does not affect our forest."

"With respect," She said, giving him another bow, "it does affect your forest. Dark wizards and creatures prowl this forest, killing not just people, but magical creatures as well, Mercury's parents for example. I've adopted this orphan and it is my duty to protect him until he is grown. I would feel much better letting him free into the forests knowing that your tribe is aware of the danger, and willing to fight against it."

"This is yours?" Bane said, pointing to the unicorn. Centaurs, like most intelligent beings, revered and respected unicorns.

"Yes, I am his mother now, and I care very much about this forest, not only for Mercury's sake but also for all the other creatures in it. The dark lord is powerful and ruthless. He has murdered in your forest, and he will turn magic creature against magic creature. Recruiting all the intelligent beings he can, not just humans, and like humans, punishing those who don't follow him. He already has many werewolves and vampires on his side, he would also want a powerful tribe like yours on his side."

"Why should we choose sides?"

"I'm not saying you must choose a side, I'm saying be careful. Even though he might make alluring offers, remember that he despises all that are not pure blooded wizards. While he might use you and other magical beings and beasts to rise to power, he looks down on half bloods and "half breeds". He doesn't care what happens to you or the forest so long as he gets what he wants in the end. Helping him would ultimately be helping to oppress you, your kind, and magical creatures in this forest and others."

"It sounds, Lily Evans, like you _are_ telling us to choose a side." Firenze said, but not hostilely.

"Yes, I am a bit biased. I don't want anything to happen to this school or this forest. It has suffered already."

"Go back to the castle Lily Evans. Take the child with you."

"I trust that once he is older he will have your good favour?"

Bane said nothing, but sort of snorted in a huffy acknowledgement. He didn't like to seem like he was obeying a human request, but he couldn't honestly say he wouldn't protect Mercury either. That would have just been bad form.

Lily leaned down and whispered into Mercury's ear. "Now go over to them and thank them. Tell them you look forward to sharing this forest with them."

Obediently, he stepped toward the three centaurs, made a cute sounding whinny and tossed back his head. Lily couldn't understand what exactly Mercury meant, not while she was human, but she could tell by their reactions that the centaurs were touched, Firenze most visibly. Centaurs had a weak spot for young ones, especially unicorns.

"With your permission," Lily said giving them a final bow, indicating she was leaving then. She nudged Potter with an elbow and he inclined his head as well. They began the walk back towards the grounds and Hagrid's hut, only noticing after a minute that Firenze was following at a distance.

"What is he doing? Making sure we leave?"

"Making sure we leave safely." She corrected. James lifted his eyebrows.

"Oh. Kind of them."

"Shh..." She said. The less they spoke the better. Lily looked to Mercury and rubbed her fingers together to call him to her. He came and rubbed his nose against her hand and she stroked his head. At one point he stopped to try some mushrooms, but she stopped him before he could.

"No, no, those are bad for you." She said, kissing the top of his head. She had done thorough research on the diet of unicorns, and the local fauna and flora, knowing what he could and should not eat. Instead she walked to over, kneeling down by the waters edge. Both unicorn and Professor followed. Feeling around in the water, she pulled out a plant and held it up so she could see it by the starlight. Satisfied, she held it out to Mercury.

"This is good for you. Have a taste." He nibbled at it, but didn't eat it. Although he was tasting new things, Lily knew it would still be a few weeks before he was actually ready to go off formula and eat real food, but it was important to know before he went out into the world, what he should and should not be eating. Once he had tried some she threw the plant back into the water, then shook her wet hand off in Potter's direction, splattering his face with lake water. He wiped his face off and gave her a crooked smile. Not saying anything, he just rumpled her hair in playful retaliation.

When they arrived back at Hagrid's Lily gave bow and a wave to Firenze, who disappeared back into the forest.

"I know it's a bit early, but would you like to have supper now?" She asked Mercury. He pawed the ground, and Lily took that to be a yes, so she retrieved the bottle and sat down in her usual place.

Potter sat down on her right side, and Mercury sat/lied down between her legs.

"So Evans... care to explain what happened out there?"

"Oh, I had been meaning to do that anyway. I had been planning on going to talk with them later this week, but the opportunity just presented itself so..."

"Why had you been meaning to talk to them?"

"Because last time Hagrid tried, but couldn't get through to them, but like he said, that was during full moon, bad time to talk to centaurs..."

"I see..." He said, not seeing at all. "That still doesn't answer my question."

"I think it does."

"Why did _you_ have to talk to them, you, Lily Evans?"

"If not me then who? Who else would or could?"

James gave a tilt of his head, conceding the point. Now that he thought about it, he remembered Hagrid saying that he had tried having a discussion with the centaurs but it hadn't gone so well because of the full moon. Then he had left to join the marauders for Moony's transformation. That was when Remus had attacked Lily, and he found out she was an animagus...That was only 5 days ago...

How could so much have happened in a week? He felt like they had been constantly in each others company the entire time, which, he realised, was somewhat true. If he were a true arithmetician he would count up the hours, but he wasn't.

After she finished feeding him they returned to the castle. They had just walked through the doors and were heading towards the grand staircase when he heard someone call out his name.

"Potter!" James turned around and saw Minerva McGonagall walking towards him.

"Good morning Minerva!" He said chirpily.

"What are you doing here?" James was stumped on that one, how could he explain Evans's presence? He looked over to where she had been standing, and realized she was no longer there.

"Now don't chide me like some student out of bed after hours. I'm a big boy now, Professor. But if you must know I was checking to see if Peeves had actually gone through with his threat... but everything seems in order, so I am going back upstairs now. What are _you_ doing up at this unseemly hour?"

"Hospital wing. Poppy's just told me a Gryffindor has been admitted."

"Oh no, who?"

"3rd year Zachary Blipp. From what I understand he was overcome in the night by terrible burns, but we are unsure how he managed to acquire them. I'm on my way now. Good morning, Professor Potter."

"Good morning." He said and stood there as he watched her walk away. Once she had gone down the hall and around the next corner he said, "You are a natural Evans."

Lily stepped out from the shadows. "Thank you. Good thing I walked in behind you, eh? Not that we actually have to hide anything from McGonagall."

"No, but old habits, and all that. I'm far too used to seeing Minerva and immediately trying to prove my innocence... whether I am or not. She just looks at me and I feel like I've done something wrong..." He said as they ascended the stairs.

"I think it works both ways... she sees you and assumes you are doing something wrong. What time does your grandfather say it is?" She asked.

"Let's see, grandfather says we have a little over an hour before they start serving breakfast. Joining your new Slytherin mates this morning as well?"

"I am as a matter of fact."

"Make me proud. Don't forget you are my eyes and ears."

"I'll do my best."

"But don't forget you are a Gryffindor."

"Never."

"Good girl. _Vigilance_."

They entered the room and he gathered up his papers and put them back in his bag, which lay open on top of the table.

"So what do you talk about with them anyway?"

"Nothing that interesting, school, students, you."

"Me?"

"Like I said, nothing very interesting." She said, taking up the compilation of Moody's notes and attempting to read. She wasn't going to tell him how White, along with others, made it their goal to seduce him. How they could openly admit to that she had no idea. Nor could she accept that some of the girls didn't care that he was a Professor and off limits, but that was probably part of the appeal. He probably already knew about them anyway, knew his affect on women. At least she had the decency to ignore her tingling skin when he touched her. If Potter had put his arm around Victoria White, she would brag about it, whereas Lily felt guilty.

"You are going to read?"

"Yes."

"How rude."

"How so?"

"You can't just pick up a book and start reading when you have company."

"You hardly count as company."

"Am I to be flattered or offended."

"Neither, seeing as it was neither compliment nor insult. But as a general rule, if you don't knock before entering, you don't count as company, and if you don't count as company, you won't be treated as company." She wandlessless and silently summoned Midsummer Night's Dream from her shelf and tossed it to him. "But if you are worried about getting bored then you can read that."

"Come on Evans, you have a chess set over there..." He said getting up and retrieving the game, placing it on the couch between him.

"White or black?" He asked. Lily heave a sigh, accepting that she would be denied Moody's notes for a while longer.

"Black." She said listlessly.

"Alright." He commanded his knight to advance, but it didn't move. His brows furrowed in confusion and repeated the order, with no better result.

"This is a regular chess set. You'll have to move your players yourself."

"Ah. That explains much." He said, moving the piece to the desired position. Potter proved himself unaccustomed to this kind of chess again several times, because he knocked over numerous pieces while playing. After knocking over his 5th player, a bishop that had gotten in the way of his queen, he let out a growl of frustration.

"Merlin, this is a painstaking game!"

"Quit complaining, you're winning." Lily replied sourly.

After James's second victory in a row Lily insisted they quit, she had to take another shower and go to breakfast and she hinted not so subtly, that he might benefit from bathing as well, other people might not be so tolerant of his malodorous-ness.

"You are just saying that because you are a sore loser. My aroma is always appealing." He said, then lowered his head to his body and sniffed. He lifted his head again and shrugged. "Well... it's not _that_ bad."


	12. In Which A Summons is Answered

When Lily arrived in the great hall three quarters of an hour later, only the boys were there. She went over and sat down carefully.

"Where are the others?" She asked John as she picked up a piece of toast and buttered it.

"Still getting ready most likely. They will be here in a few minutes I expect." Students trickled into the great hall in the next few minutes, then in greater numbers so that the majority of the students were eating by the time other girls arrived. They greeted Lily cheerfully. She noticed Potter enter moments later, hair still glistening wet from a shower. He gave her a furtive nod and her lips curved up in a smile. She knew full well he could, and probably usually did, dry it magically. He was just making a silent statement by keeping it dripping. To further the point he messed it up with a careless hand and the strands stayed there sticking up, looking even messier that it usually did.

Lily listened to the conversation at the table, but didn't say much herself. She did give John an embarrassed smile when he put an arm around her towards the end of the meal. No one else noticed, or cared. Perhaps they thought they were already together.

"Lily and I have Transfiguration first." Isaacs said. "Should we go to class?"

She checked her watch. Transfiguration was the farthest classroom from the great hall save the astronomy tower, but that didn't actually count as a class_room_, even though classes were held there. She nodded.

"Alright." She said getting up.

"See you at lunch?" John asked as his arm fell from around her shoulders. She gave him a smile that she didn't even have to force.

"It's a..." she was about to say date, but she stumbled over her tongue and spat out "plan" instead. She had brought her bag with her this time so she and Isaacs walked directly to the classroom together. The moment they left the hall together Isaacs asked the question Lily had been expecting.

"So how long have you and John been..."

"Not long." Lily said, cutting her off. "Actually, I don't even know if we are. He asked me out on Sunday."

"Only Sunday?" She let out a pleasant sort of laugh. "He's been talking about you for weeks."

"Has he?"

She nodded. Lily was surprised. So it hadn't been a spur of the moment idea after there chance meeting on Sunday. Lily couldn't ever remember having spoken more than a few words to him in the past, the fact that he had his eyes on her seemed more suspect.

"He kept saying how pretty you were, and how amazing you were in Potions."

Well, Lily thought, _that_ was normal enough. She still didn't know whether or not she could trust the boy.

Lily was disappointed when in Transfiguration she got back an essay. It was still an O, but she had made a careless mistake. It really got under her skin when she made silly mistakes. It made her look stupider than she was. It was like admitting to a fault one didn't even have. All the same, less then perfection wasn't something she was used to. She thought it was probably because she had been too preoccupied when she wrote it. She had been unfairly distracted this week. She sighed, only knowing that these distractions would only continue. She would have to be more careful when she was doing her homework, not that she had much time to do it nowadays...

She was sitting at the Slytherin table that night at dinner when an owl flew in and landed on the table dangerously close to Lily's plate, its tail feathers brushing the mashed potatoes of her neighbour. Lily was surprised, it wasn't at all the time for mail, nor was she expecting a letter from any of her (woefully few) correspondents. The group turned at her in confusion. She shrugged at them, not knowing any more than they did. She took the letter from the bird and it flew away as she opened it. The message usual enough, but it wasn't Potter's writing. She didn't recognize the script and didn't know who sent it until she reached the end of the incredibly short note.

_Come to my office directly after this evening's feeding_

_Albus Dumbledore_

She looked toward the head table, but Dumbledore wasn't there. Lily folded the note away into her pocket. They looked at her questioningly, waiting for an explanation.

"Dumbledore. Head Girl stuff no doubt."

They all nodded in comprehension. She looked to the ceiling. Hagrid would be at the front doors any moment now.

He was already there waiting for her, looking more anxious than usual.

"Alright there, Hagrid?"

"Fine, fine." He replied. She noted that it didn't seem to be a worried or apprehensive sort of anxiousness, but perhaps more expectant. She greeted Mercury, who seemed pleased as usual to see her. Hagrid seemed twitchy the entire time she fed him, and the moment he finished Hagrid rose off his stool.

"Right then, let's go."

Lily, who knew _she_ couldn't linger that evening, was surprised to see _him_ so eager to leave. Perhaps Dumbledore had told him she was expected as soon as possible. She said nothing in response, simply rose, waved to Mercury and left again.

Hagrid did not leave her at the front doors as usual, but continued on into the castle towards Dumbledore's office.

"Sugar Quill" He said gruffly. And the staircase started moving, like a lift, elevating them to Dumbledore's office. Lily was surprised to see quite a few people gathered there, about 12 she estimated in a glance. They had been waiting for them apparently, for when they entered they all grew quiet and serious. She didn't pay attention to their faces, she was looking for Dumbledore.

He appeared at that very moment and walked over to her.

"I wonder if I might have a private word with you before we begin?" He asked.

She forbore to say "begin what?" and simply replied, "Certainly, Professor."

He took her aside, apart from the others into a corner of the room. It grew hushed, and Lily suspected it was more of an enchanted silence rather than the other occupants of the room going quiet.

Lily listened attentively for a time as Dumbledore explained the existence of the group called the Order of the Phoenix.

"Yes." She said immediately after he finished the long and careful explanation.

"Consider carefully, Miss Evans, before answering. The tasks we ask of you may not be pleasant or safe. But you will have the chance to do some real good."

"Professor Dumbledore, I made up my mind long before I even knew about the order that this is what I want. Whether by myself, with the ministry or with you, I will do whatever I can to see that the Dark Lord falls." She said with conviction. Dumbledore smiled.

"That is exactly what I supposed of you, and precicely why I invited you here. Now that we have that settled we may begin the meeting." He said with a slight smile.

The meeting began with Dumbledore introducing her to the rest of the group.

"...Fenwick, and Alastor Moody." He said introducing the few remaining members. "We have several others who aren't with us tonight, you will meet them later, and finally of course you know Professors McGonagall and Potter."

She nodded said in acknowledgment, "Professors."

McGonagall smiled at her proudly. No doubt proud of her house, the only student in the Order being a Gryffindor. She smiled back at McGonagall, but avoided Potter's eyes. It wouldn't be correct to say she was surprised to see _him_... because the entire thing had come as a surprise. But the thought of him being a part of a society whose goals he knew were so close to her own heart was slightly... irritating. He had told her about being an auror yet he kept this a secret...

She shook off that thought. With a society like this there was bound to be a secret keeper. He probably wouldn't be allowed to tell. Still, the thought of him keeping something like that to himself felt somehow felt like deception to her. She knew if she were to look at him now her face would give her away. Everyone would be able to see the silent "Why didn't you tell me." McGonagall stepped away after giving her shoulder a congratulatory squeeze to transfigure a few more chairs; one was enormous, obviously created to support Hagrid's impressive weight.

She didn't mean to... She hadn't even been aware that she had been looking up at him when he took two steps closer to her, dark eyes bright, intent on hers.

"I only joined tonight as well." Potter said, no, _whispered_; covertly answering a question she hadn't even intended to ask. He opened his mouth to say more, but shut it again as they were called to their seats.

They got right down to business, explaining the situation and giving out assignments. They were took take turns doing surveillance. In twos and threes they would watch a residence, they had learned, through a source they didn't explain, that the dark lord planned to attack sometime during the week. They were a family of pureblood wizards denouncing the Dark Lord. The filthiest of blood traitors to their mind... It wasn't something Voldemort would bother himself with, just send a few death eaters in to kill them and leave. That, Dumbledore said, was what they were going to try to prevent. They spent the next hour working on scheduling the shifts. Once that was settled they moved onto the next thing.

"Getting the word out to the non human magical community..." He said. Going on about the different species in various locations they hoped to reach. "And of course at Hogwarts we have the official resident clan of centaurs, the only organized magical group in the forest. Other non human magicals will have to be approached individually. Hagrid, have you spoken to them?"

"Yes, but it wasn't 'xactly,... that is to say there weren't very..."

"So we need to try again?" He said, which was more of a command than a question. A gentle command, but a command nonetheless.

"Yes, Professor Dumbledore." Hagrid said shamefacedly, then looked to Lily for help, who then turned to Potter. What should she say?

"Actually..." She began. Both Hagrid and Dumbledore, along with a few other members turned to listen to her. Bur she lost her voice somehow. She shot Potter an imploring look and he nodded.

"Professor? Can I speak with you alone for a minute?" He asked. Dumbledore looked surprised, but of course obliged. They retreated to the silent corner of the room where their conversation could not be heard. A few brief minutes later they returned. Dumbledore looked at Lily appraisingly, and then smiled, as if content with his assessment.

"It appears..." Dumbledore said to the group, "that Lily has already settled the matter of the centaurs." Some people nodded in acknowledgement, but Hagrid looked confused. Lily made a mental note to tell Hagrid everything that happened the first opportunity she had. She felt guilty for not having told him sooner.

"The next matter on the agenda: gaining an asset. This man isn't a death eater but he has connections with them. Some members think it would be worthwhile to gain this mans trust, and more importantly, his information. 28 year old wizard, either Belgian or French, deals in dark and stolen goods on the dark market." Dumbledore held up a photograph for the group to see. A handsome man with a distinctive nose smiled and waved at the all. "Surname: Chevalier. First name..."

"Sylvain?!" Lily said in surprise at the familiar face. The entire group turned to look at her curiously. Potter's gaze being the most intense.

"You know the man?" One of them asked.

"Kind of, Mr. Fenwick." She replied awkwardly.

"Please Lily, in this group you are not considered a student, you are an equal. Feel free to use first names." Dumbledore said. Lily nodded but couldn't bring herself to say 'alright Albus'. Nor could she ever imagine herself calling Professor McGonagall, Minerva. Instead of worrying about names she returned to her explanation.

"He's French. I work at the Leaky Cauldron over holidays, and Sylvain is a frequent guest. And even if he wasn't staying in one of the rooms, he was always meeting people in the bar. He was in at least once a week..." Then she added on a slightly embarrassed note. "He always tipped me. Called me his little _fleur de lis_."

"What else do you know about him?" Dumbledore asked.

"Um... single businessman, originally from Bretagne, lives in Paris, hates apparating, loves German beer and English women. I saw him bring several women back to his room with him... not all at once mind, separately, over the weeks..." She said correcting herself. A few of them laughed. She continued. "When he gets drunk he starts talking about astronomy. He isn't very talented magically, but he fancies most of the divinitive arts, puts a lot of stock in them... and I think..." She said, unsure she should continue or not, then decided that truth was the best policy here, "I have his business card somewhere in my room. He said to contact him if ever I needed anything at all. I thought he was just flirting with me, you get a lot of characters in the Leaky Cauldron..."

"Anything else?" McGonagall asked, slightly astonished.

Lily thought hard, she had just given them a whole bunch of useless information. She scoured her brain for something that might actually be helpful. "He has a... business partner, I think."

"Who?" Asked a red haired man whose name escaped her.

"I don't remember his name, I only met him once. But I think..." She looked at Potter for some reason, as if he could somehow make this easier... He nodded at her encouragingly. She swallowed and continued. "I think that his partner deals with the more..." She stopped short. She wanted to say 'darker' but she wasn't sure if that were true and she didn't want to get the order's hopes up. She settled for the more vague "secretive clients."

She looked around the room. Nobody said anything; they just continued looking at her, expecting more.

"I'm not sure if he's a business partner or not, but I know he is 'very important to the business'. At least that's what Sylvain said. I can't say for certain what he does, but I would say he is a person of interest..." Another pregnant pause followed and then she added, "That's all... I think."

Lily felt her face flush with embarrassment. It was her first order meeting and she was getting so much attention. It would be easier if she just sat down with Potter and Dumbledore.

"I think we know who he can put on Chevalier." Mad Eye said amusedly. His laughter sounded more like a growl, in Lily's opinion, but it wasn't unpleasant. Dumbledore looked at Lily.

"Would you be interested in doing that for us?"

"Certainly, but what exactly do I do?"

"We will discuss that another time. Does everyone have a copy of the schedule for Uppingham house?"

There came various sounds and gestures of affirmation at this.

"Then I will thank you all for coming, and good luck with all your endeavours." He said. The group started chatting as they left Dumbledore's office in groups of twos and threes.

Lily turned to leave as well, but she felt a hand on her shoulder. "Wait. Dumbledore wants to talk to us." Potter said.

She nodded and stepped off to the side with him, out of the way of the order members who were leaving. McGonagall and Hagrid were the only others to remain in the office with them.

Once the staircase and taken the last of them down, Dumbledore turned to them.

"Now..." He began easily, "there is the matter of Lily..."

"What's the matter with me?" She asked, immediately feeling stupid for having worded her question that way. Potter laughed and was about to make some kind of smart remark, but both Lily and McGonagall gave him frighteningly similar stern looks and he swallowed the comment.

"Firstly, as a new member, to educate you about the methods the Order uses for tasks like Uppingham house. I trust, James, that you are already aware of the standard surveillance procedure for these kinds of undertakings?" He asked with a twinkle in his eye. James smiled back at him.

"I think I will be able to figure it out, Professor." Why they were bothering to make subtle allusions to James being an auror, Lily didn't know. They all knew he was an auror...

'But they don't all know that _I_ know.' She remembered.

Dumbledore explained, as they had decided earlier, that Lily's first shift was Saturday afternoon with Alastor Moody.

"Alastor will be able to guide you as you go, but it is imperative that you learn how to conjure a patronus before Saturday." Dumbledore nodded to James, as if assigning the task to him.' "Because that was how the order communicates with each other."

"Yes, sir."

They spoke for another half hour about Lily asking the Leaky Cauldron if she could work part time on weekends, and over the Christmas holidays, to insinuate herself again into the scene, so she would come into contact with Chevalier and others in a natural setting.

"Being as subtle as possible, try to pick up on any details, and information that might be useful to the order."

"Make him trust you," Potter added, "so he will feel easy around you and let down his guard. Note anything he says in relation to work or business."

"I understand."

"Very well. Well then, James if you could kindly teach Lily to conjure a patronus..."

"Of course, sir."

"Then I believe we are done here for this evening."

Lily and James returned to the Defence Against the Dark Arts Classroom together to practice. Lily had read about the conjuring of a patronus. So his description didn't require any further explanation, only practice.

"Think of a happy memory..." He told her. He forcibly reminded her of Peter Pan, and she felt like Wendy, trying to think of a wonderful thought so she could fly...

Somehow, recalling 'happy' memories only made her sad.

"Not good enough Evans, what memory are you using?" He said after another failed attempt.

"I... I'm sitting with my family next to the Christmas tree, we are drinking hot apple cider and laughing as we open up our presents to each other." She said despondently.

He looked at her, brows furrowed and lips pressed together firmly, as if he was struggling not to say something, or at least trying to find the right words to say whatever it was he couldn't.

"Try something... more recent." He said delicately, but the meaning was clear. 'Try something after your parents death, a happy memory that doesn't invoke pain and sorrow in the remembering the loss of it.'

She tried to think of something that had made her happy since her parents died. Her mind went over things in long and recent past. She thought of clinging tightly to him as they plunged down towards the lake on the broom. It wasn't exactly a happy memory, but her heart had been pounding and she had been laughing madly the whole time. It made her smile even now just thinking about it.

"Ah ha!" He said, pointing to her lips. "Use that one!"

"What?" She said, startled out of her reverie.

"Try whatever made you smile just then."

"I don't know if it will work.." She said, looking, cursing herself for blushing so easily.

"Indulge me and try anyway..." He said, sounding not encouraging, but sarcastic, his voice deep and dripping with amusement. She had a sneaking suspicion he _liked_ making her feel uncomfortable.

Lily heaved a sigh, and hoped for the best. Her mouth curved up into an irrepressible smile again as she recalled their ride that morning. "Expecto Patronum!"

Silver light burst from her wand, but not in any discernable shape. It hung like a hoary mist, before fading away.

"Well, that was an improvement." He said encouragingly, still obviously just as disappointed as she was. "Try again. Can you think of anything better?"

"Better..." She searched her mind again. The image of being pressed into his chest, as she was crying and bleeding, he was stroking her hair and murmuring comforting things. 'That certainly isn't a happy memory, I had been weeping and miserable...'

Yet when she tried it, a fully fledged corporeal patronus shot out of her wand.

For one wild, thrilled instant, James thought her patronus took the shape of a stag, his very own animagus form, but when he looked closer he realised that it wasn't a male deer, but a female one, very much like, if not _exactly_ like herself. He had, in his 7th year, researched the relationship between the patronus and conjurer. A patronus almost always takes the form of an animal, and whether the conjurer realises it or not, it is an animal they associate with safety, guardianship, peace, and comfort. For most people it's their favourite animal, or, if they are a child, an animal they associate with their parents or household. James's own patronus was a lion, which James didn't wonder at. He knew it was the true Gryffindor in him, it had always been a lion. But it can change. He had read about a woman whose patronus had always been an eagle, until she fell in love with a vampire and it suddenly changed into a bat. It happened all the time.

Lily Evan's patronus, he considered, was depressing, because it represented herself. The implications of that were obvious. He wondered if her patronus would be different if she weren't so alone.

There was a strong connection in regards to the magic that chooses the forms of both patronuses and animagi, but it was too complex and abstract for James to think about now, he would later, certainly. Not now...

Deciding to ignore the significance of her patronus he clapped her on the back saying, "Well done, Evans!" Giving her the brightest cheeriest smile he could muster.

She didn't look happy, however. She stared at her patronus in disgusted fascination, as if she resented it. Perhaps she had picked up on it too. She had mentioned that she had read about Patronuses, and seeing her solitariness solidify in front of her into one shimmering truth probably only depressed her. An ironic paradox, that, seeing as a patronus was the embodiment of positive feelings.

"I've done it, can I go now?" She asked, her voice a steady monotone.

"We have to go to Hagrid's in..."

"Can I go now?" She repeated.

"Yes." He said solemnly. She didn't reply, didn't wait, didn't do anything but put her wand in her robes and walk away. The door opened for her as she approached, and shut itself again after she left. Even in her bad mood she was practicing wandless magic...

Lily shut herself in her bedroom, locking the door. A strange idea, locking your own bedroom door in your own quarters but at the time it seemed necessary. Potter knew her password and could come in anytime he wanted. She sat by the cold window, thinking up new passwords she knew she wouldn't use. Despite herself and her sense of propriety she _liked_ the idea of him coming in whenever he wanted.

But not now. She didn't want him now. She needed to practice conjuring a patronus again. She needed to find a better memory. One that didn't contain him. She had been horrified at herself that the memory had actually worked. What did that say about her? That she was a sicko who enjoyed being depressed and crying? Or worse, that she had enjoyed Potter's embrace. Either way it was unacceptable. She looked at her watch. 34 minutes. She had about 34 minutes to find an _appropriate_ memory that would produce a corporeal patronus.

She tried everything, every happy childhood memory. Playing with Petunia, reading with her father, their vacation to Portugal when she was 10, but none of them worked. Those sorrows were still too sharp. She sighed and flopped down on her bed. What made her feel really good, hopeful, happy? She closed her eyes, an a grin spread across her face as she remembered a dream she had had the other night.

She had been lying on a garden swing, looking out. A doghouse was situated on the grass nearest the door to the house. Mercury was asleep inside it, and she was rocking her own child to sleep in her arms. A baby girl, red hair just like hers and her mother's. A man sat down next to her, puts his arms around her shoulders, kisses the infant. No words are spoken. This is a place where Lord Voldemort doesn't exist...

But it was a dream, not a memory. It wasn't real... Still, Lily thought she'd try it. She had _remembered_ the dream, so it made it a memory of sorts, did it not? It was something that gave her hope, made her happy, was it not?

She pulled out her wand again. Taking a deep breath in and focussing she said, "Expecto Patronum."

The doe sprang from her wand, cantering out the open window into the night, a strange silvery sort of moonlight shining from it until it faded away. She heaved a sigh of relief and collapsed onto her bed. She thanked the stars again and again. Glad to know that her happiness didn't rely on James Potter.

Had she really stopped to think about it she wouldn't have been pleased that the happiness she had used to conjure her patronus the second time had been imaginary, but she didn't think it through that far. More the better for her.

For once James didn't start pacing. Once Evans left he quietly sat down in his chair, propping elbows up on the desk, resting his chin on his hands pensively. She had wanted to leave rather than stay and discuss what had made her upset. They had discussed things like that before, why was she so unwilling now? Was it because Hagrid wasn't there? It was true that he had only intruded on the conversation she and Hagrid had been having. Was she not comfortable enough to confide in him when it was just the two of them? He rumpled his hair and fumbled in his robes pocket.

"Sirius..." He said tiredly to the mirror. A moment's pause and his friend's face appeared, smiling oddly.

"So how's Lily Evans?"

"I didn't mirror you to talk about her!" He snapped, embarrassedly. He disliked how his friend assumed (correctly, which made it that much more infuriating) that he wanted to talk about Evans.

Sirius's face softened. "Sorry, mate. If you don't want to talk about her that's fine, but if you do, you know I'll listen."

He heaved a sigh, knowing that as far as friends go, you just didn't get any better than Sirius... "I just don't know what to do with her..."

"Start from the beginning." He said patiently.

"You know how on Friday we had that long talk?"

"The one on the pitch?"

"Yeah. I mean, we talked about her being alone since her parents' death, and how difficult it is to be muggleborn nowadays..."

"Mmhmm..."

"Well, you would think that after she opened up that much, it would mean that she trusts me, yes?"

"Not necessarily, but go on..."

"What? Oh never mind. Today I taught her how to conjure a patronus..."

"Did she manage?"

"Eventually. She couldn't seem to find a memory happy enough to make it work for a while. All memories of her past seem only to hurt her. I overheard her say that to Hagrid on Friday... and I don't think she has many other happy memories to draw from since then, it's been kind of rough for her."

"Unquestionably... But you said she did manage..."

"Yes, but when she finally conjured a corporeal one she bolted."

"Using what memory?" Sirius asked shrewdly. James waved a hand in the air, casting off the issue as unimportant.

"I didn't ask. But the thing is her Patronus was a _doe_..." There was a pause.

"So?" Sirius asked, failing to see the significance. James slapped his forehead, he had completely forgotten to inform his friend of the details of Saturday night.

"That's Lily's animagus form..." He said, sure that his friend would understand the implications now... He was sure Sirius would remember seeing the doe on Saturday night.

"She is an animagus?" Sirius asked, incredulous. His face sombre, deathly serious.

"Yeah!"

"**And you didn't tell me**!" Sirius belowed furiously.

"Merlin, calm down, what's the big deal?"

"_The big deal_? **Fuck's sake James**! **You might have told me sooner so I wouldn't have spent these past _4 days_ worried sick for her and for Moony and **_**YOU!**_** Here I was, not mentioning it because I thought it would be too _painful _for you, but I don't know why I was bothered! I thought Moony turned her into a werewolf! Did it ever occur to you to tell me that she was _ok_? That I didn't have to _worry_? Fuck me James, what the bloody hell were you thinking? You don't think I haven't been feeling _guilty_? That keeping it from Moony hasn't been _killing_ me? Thinking that our stupidity ruined the girl you.**.." Sirius let out an angry growl... unable to continue his tirade "**FUCK**!" He roared at last, and threw the mirror into the couch. James saw his friend's enraged face disappear and the fast approach of pillow cushions before the mirror faded away, so that he only saw his own shocked stupid face.

He stared at it for a while, disbelieving. How could he have been so stupid? So careless? Thoughtless? Why hadn't he just told Sirius in the Shrieking Shack that Evans was going to be fine?

He banged his head on his desk. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

"Now now now... no use banging the wits out of you... you don't have so much to spare." Came Sirius's voice, calmer, with the usual hints of amusement. James looked up into the mirror he was still holding.

"I'm sorry." He sputtered out immediately. "I... didn't do it on purpose, I just forgot... there was so much going on I forgot that hadn't told you..."

"I know you didn't do it on purpose, I called you stupid, not malicious." He smiled, displaying his shining white teeth. "So Evans's patronus was a doe, you said?" He continued pleasantly, as if nothing had happened.

James smiled at his friend. They never stayed mad at each other for long.

"Yes."

"Bit sad, isn't it..."

"That's what I thought. The moment she saw it she just left."

"You think _seeing the patronus_ upset her?" He asked, not entirely convinced.

"It obviously did. Her voice got all emotionless and she looked like she was going to be sick. She asked if she could leave, and barely waited for me to say yes before she was out the door..."

"Maybe she actually felt sick..."

"Maybe... I mean, she does have some kind of illness that makes her sick sometimes, but I don't know. She won't tell me much about it. Still I don't think that was it."

"Neither do I, to be honest."

"But you'd think after having opened up to me already she would be able to at least tell me what was wrong, right?"

"Doesn't work that way, Prongs. Just because she opened up to you once doesn't make you her confidant. Some people just keep their feelings to themselves."

"She has far too many secrets for someone her age. She needs to share or she will be eventually dragged down by the weight of everything."

"She has friends she can talk to, surely."

"Not really. Well, she's a popular girl, but I think her only real friend here is Hagrid. In fact, she was talking to him when I intruded on their conversation on Friday..."

"So she was opening up to Hagrid and you just kind of intercepted her?"

"Well, when you put it like that..." He said, trailing off. Sirius had a knack for finding painful weaknesses and exploiting them. Going back, Lily never really told him anything about herself outside of that night, unless she could help it. Why was she so closed? "So I guess I shouldn't ask her about it?"

"If she wants to talk about it she will... _women always do..._" He said sardonically.

"But what if something really is wrong with her and she doesn't do anything about it? Isn't it the duty of her teacher to step in?"

"As her teacher, yes. If you think there is something wrong with one of your pupils then you can ask them if they are ok. And they can tell you what they want to tell you... But if it's not _teacherly_ concern..."

"Sirius..." James said warningly.

"Quit interrupting Prongs, it's rude. As I was saying, if you are being a good teacher to a good student, then fine, that's your affair. But I wouldn't push too far with it. You can't use teacherly concern as an excuse to ask unteacherly questions, and expect an honest response. If you were having trouble in school and a teacher asked you what the matter was, would you tell him?"

"No."

"Then either be a friend to her, or be a teacher to her. Being both would only confuse her and keep her guarded."

"So, if I were to be a friend to her what would I say?"

"How close would you say you are? How far could you go without overstepping your boundaries?"

"I... have no idea. Especially not after that whole... interception... realization."

"Well, if she considers _you_ a friend, then she will tell you... Unless of course it's just one of those things..."

"One of what things?"

"Honestly, Prongs. You know what I mean..."

"Erm..."

"Look here, Prongs. No matter how close you are, there will be things that she won't tell you."

"Wha?" James asked stupidly. Sirius sighed at his friend's apparent density.

"Would you tell her about your sex life?"

"No!"

"And why not?"

"Ok ok I get your point... Stop being such a know it all."

"I can't help it... it comes with the hair." He said, combing it back with his fingers.

"In that case I'll cut it off in your sleep."

"Woah there, Delila."

"_Delila_?"

"Honestly, is Shakespeare the only muggle reading you do?"

"That's beside the point. I have to go get her now anyway..."

"Good luck."

"So what am I doing again?"

"You are doing nothing you great prat, now go away you bother me."

"I thought you loved me."

"Like I love my own mother." Sirius said with a false cheery smile.

"Ouch, Padfoot. Words hurt, you know."

"Not as much as a swift kick up the arse, now go! Your lady awaits..."

"She's not my...argh, Damn it Sirius..." he said putting the mirror in his pocket, muffling the chuckles coming from it.


	13. Which is Interesting, to Say the Least

Lily was still lying on her bed, pleased with herself for having found an alternative for her patronus when she heard Potter's voice.

"Evans? Are you here?"

"Yes, yes... coming." She said grabbing her cloak and fastening it around her. She glanced out her window, from that vantage she could just barely make out the tip of Hagrid's cabin. She smiled to see that at least there was still smoke rising from the flowerpot that served as a chimney. He was still up.

Potter was sitting on the couch when she immerged from her room. The moment she appeared his stood up. "Ready?"

"Not quite." She replied, looking around the room. Where was that package for Hagrid? She scanned the room, but didn't find it.

"Sit down, Professor, you are making me nervous."

He sat back down and she went into her room to look for Hagrid's present. Well, it wasn't really a present, just a... gift. Silly really, it was a hardbound photo album. Somehow the clumsy yet beautiful carved design on it reminded her of Hagrid. There were only a few pictures inside, some of Lily and a few of Hagrid, only one of them together but she didn't want to wait until it was full to give it to him. They would add pictures as they went...

The bookshelf! She suddenly remembered. She dashed out into the common room and grabbed the large package, needing both hands to hold it.

"Do you want me to carry that?" He asked politely.

"Oh, no thanks I have it." She replied.

"Very well then." He said throwing the invisibility cloak over her. "We go?"

"We go."

They stepped out into the thankfully empty hallway. Perhaps _he_ should wear the invisibility cloak when leaving her room, and then they could switch later. He had feared on more than one occasion... well... every time he left her room that someone would see him leaving the Head Dorm. Of course it was entirely innocent but people could make some terrible assumptions...

They were descending the staircase when Slughorn appeared from around the corner and started going up it.

"Potter, m'boy."

"Good evening, Professor Slughorn." James said automatically, the same unenthusiastic way students greet their professor at the start of each lesson.

"What brings you out at a time like this?"

"Thought I would give Hagrid a visit."

"Ah ha, don't be sly, I know you are taking Miss Evans to see the unicorn. Where is she?"

Lily was confused, and angry. He had told Slughorn? After all his ranting that she not tell anyone? How dare he!

"I am meeting her at the front doors."

"I see... I was actually hoping to run into you two."

"Oh?"

"Yes, mind if I walk down with you?"

"Certainly not, Professor."

Lily slipped by them, treading silently down the steps and rounded the corner and jogged the rest of the way to the front doors. She pulled off the cloak and tucked it into her waistband underneath her robes.

A moment later they rounded the corner into view.

"Good evening, Miss Evans!" Slughorn said jovially.

"Good evening, Professor Slughorn, Professor Potter." She said nodding to each of them.

"Surprised to see _me_ here I expect."

"A surprise indeed, but not an unpleasant one. How are you this evening Professor?"

"Very well, thank you Miss Evans. But I actually wanted to talk to you about something."

"Yes?"

"That essay you wrote, about the unicorn's blood. Now I know that you actually have a unicorn at your disposal..."

"I'm afraid it's the other way around, sir. I am at _his_ disposal." She said pointedly.

Slughorn chuckled. "Quite right, quite right. Well what I wanted to ask you was if you actually used any unicorn blood, you know, in research for writing your essay."

"A small amount, yes." She said matter-of-factly. Slughorn's eyes lit up.

"You actually have a store of unicorn blood?"

"Only the blood of the infant sir, and I don't have it, Hagrid does. We collected it so that no other beast might accidentally come upon it, innocently taste it and unwittingly curse themselves..." Lily replied.

"Oh yes, excellent thinking, excellent thinking. Do you think I might... have a look at the samples?"

"Well, that would ultimately Hagrid's decision, I think."

"But Evans, that unicorn is your responsibility, yes? Surely you are entitled to say what becomes of that blood..."

"I was. I decided the best place for it was with Hagrid. We are going there now, if you'd like to join us, he _might_ still be awake..." She said uncertainly, making seem that she didn't think he would be, even though she knew he was. Truthfully she just didn't want Slughorn tagging alone, not tonight. She had too many important things she desperately wanted to tell Hagrid.

"Ah...hmm..." Slughorn mumbled distracted, eyebrows furrowed in contemplation.

"Or, you could meet both of us here tomorrow morning just before dawn." She offered helpfully.

"Ah yes, that sounds alright. Yes. Alright then, goodnight Miss Evans, Potter." He said turning around and walking away.

She and Potter opened the heavy doors and stepped out into the night. Once they were closed again behind them he exclaimed, "Did you _see_ him? Trying to weasel unicorn blood from you... Disgusting, the lengths _potion people_ will go for their ingredients..."

"_I'm_ a potion person."

"Yes, but..."

"And if you didn't want him weaseling then you shouldn't have told him in the first place!" She said angrily.

"I _didn't_! That was Dumbledore's doing. Why, I don't know..."

"Fine." She said shortly. Ok, so perhaps it _was_ Dumbledore. And yes, Slughorn had been rather slimey in trying to get the blood from her, but somehow she was still angry with Potter. Perhaps it was the 'potion people' generalisation. That had been unfair. It was as if he considered them to be the same as, which wouldn't be insulting if she didn't know his low opinion of them...

The lights in Hagrid's hut were still on, to Lily's relief. She banged on the door.

"Hagrid! Hagrid!" The door opened and the half giant appeared. "I'm glad you are still up." She said smiling.

"Naw... knew I wouldn't go to bed until you came..."

"Good because I have so much to tell you. But let's go outside, Mercury must be hungry.

She grabbed the bottle off the table and went out the backdoor. "Breakfast!" She said.

The young unicorn pranced happily to her and she sat down, putting the package on the ground beside.

"So you want to hear about last night, don't you?" She asked as Mercury began to feed.

"Yeah, Dumbledore told me a bit, but I'd like to hear it from you..."

"Well, it's all thanks to Mercury, here." She said giving his nose a kiss. "Yes it is.. yes it is..." She cooed in a baby-voice.

She told Hagrid everything, not leaving out a single detail. Mercury was finished eating before she finished her story, so she just stroked him while she spoke.

"And Firenze walked us all the way back here." She said.

"Good boy that Firenze, not sure how well he will get along with the new leader. Firenze is a bit..."

"Open?"

"Yeh... tha's it. Say, why don't we go inside for some tea, eh? It's a bit chilly."

"How would you know?" Lily asked. She knew for a fact that with Hagrid's skin, it would have to be below freezing for him to feel it.

"Because you're snifflin. Come on, get inside."

"Can Mercury come?"

"Sure, sure."

"You better not make a mess..." She warned the child before they went in. Lily was still carrying the large package.

"What's that you've got under your arms?" Hagrid asked.

"Erm, actually, it's a... present... for you..."

"For me? What for?"

"I know it's not your birthday or anything I just... wanted you to have it, and I didn't want to wait until Christmas." She said.

"Lily, that's right kind of you..."

"Hagrid, I forbid you to start crying." She said sternly.

"I'm not..." He said dabbing the corner of an eye.

"Don't open it now." She said. "Open it later."

"Why not?" He said, already halfway through tearing off the wrapping paper.

"It's just... oh fine go ahead." She said, but after he had unwrapped it anyway.

Hagrid admired the outside of the album before opening it and looking at the pictures. Some moved, but others, the ones of Lily when she was younger, were normal muggle snapshots.

"Hagrid, I said no crying!"

"I'm not!" He lied, wiping away tears. "Look, it's you and me in your firs' year. James, come look."

"No, I'm sure he doesn't want..." She started, but too late. Hagrid was already shoving the album in Potter's face. "Look how small she was."

"Hagrid..." Lily whined, embarrassed that Potter was looking at pictures of her as a girl.

"Do you still have that picture of us in our first year?" Potter asked.

"Course I do!" Hagrid said sounding offended. "Wouldn't throw it away, now would I?" He said, grabbing a box from underneath a bench. He dug around in the box and pulled out a tattered picture, handing it to Potter. Potter grinned, lost in some happy place in the past. Unable to stop herself, Lily walked to stand beside him to look at it too. He angled it so she could see. 4 young boys stood there laughing, arms around each other, Remus, James, Sirius, and Peter, in the Gryffindor common room.

Lily stared at Remus Lupin. Even at 11 he looked weak and exhausted. Perhaps this picture was taken around the full moon... Potter was next, she grinned weakly at the messy hair and glasses, they hadn't changed. Neither had that boyish smile.

Speaking of boyish smiles, 11 year old Sirius Black was heart melting. You just wanted to squeeze his cheeks and give him a hug. She imagined all women, especially older ladies, thinking young Sirius Black being the most adorable child in existence, even with that mischievous twinkle in his eye. Then lastly Peter Pettigrew. Slightly heavier than the other boys but just as happy, if not even more so, to be included with the other three. She vaguely remembered Pettigrew in school. She had heard Remus mention him several times, saying that she was better in charms than Peter was. Although he didn't really seem to fit in with the other boys, there was now doubt that their friendship was a close one, and always had been.

Her eyes were drawn back to Remus. At the time this picture was taken he was still hiding his secret from them. Poor thing, he must be afraid of losing them, not being able to be honest with them...

She reached out and touched Remus's exhausted, but happy looking face.

"So what do you think of Remus as a first year?" Hagrid asked her.

"Adorable. Absolutely adorable. All four of them." She replied.

"You mind if I put that in the photo album too?"

"Go right ahead. It's your photo album to fill." She said, walking over to him to hand him the picture. He gave her hug, and she felt a giant size tear plop onto the top of her head. He pulled away and wiped away some more tears sniffling.

"So, you are with Alastor Moody on Saturday." He tried feebly to change the topic, but it hardly helped because then he went on about how much she'd grown...

"He was weepier than usual tonight." Lily said as they were walking back to the castle. "I wonder if something's bothering him..."

"Why didn't you ask?"

"Hagrid's never been one to hide his feelings. If it's still bothering him tomorrow he'll tell me about it."

"Say you had a friend that _was_ the sort to hide their feelings, _then_ would you ask them about it?"

"If I knew something was wrong... and if I doubted they had anyone else they would rather talk to... and if I thought that it would do them good to talk about it... then maybe."

"OoooooK. So... Evans..."

"Yes?"

"What's wrong with you?" He asked, then mentally slapped himself for badly wording the question. Lily took a deep, patient breath.

"Potter, we are going to spend the next few minutes in silence."

"But I.."

"No buts. During that time I want you to consider the importance of thinking before you speak. It will save you from looking like a fool in the future."

"Yes ma'am." He mumbled as they entered that castle. He couldn't actually see her face, because she was under the invisibility cloak, but he thought he knew the expression on it. Forced patience, eyes closed and lips thin, trying not to get angry... He could hear the icy fire in her voice...

As she had ordered, they remained silent until they arrived at the portrait hole.

"Evans?" He said, tentatively, unsure if he was allowed to speak yet.

"Yes?" She said. James took this to mean that he was now allowed to speak so he went right into it. He had spent the past few minutes carefully thinking how he would word his question.

"I know there was something wrong when you left my office, so don't act like there wasn't. If something is worrying you, or bothering you, you can tell me..."

"Thank you for your concern Professor, but I'm perfectly fine. Goodnight."

"Hell, Evans just tell me!" He shouted, voice echoing through the corridor.

Lily cowered slightly at the volume. She sighed and put a muffliato charm around them. If he was going to yell at her, she'd prefer he do it so other people couldn't hear.

"Really, there is nothing wrong." She repeated.

"You know, Evans, I'd rather you say, 'I don't want to talk about it,' rather than just deny it entirely."

"Fine, I don't want to talk about it."

"But why not?"

"It doesn't matter! I don't have to talk about every little feeling I have. I am big girl now. Can't I be in a bad mood without having to justify myself?"

"Of course Evans but it's a different matter if you are depressed."

"I'm not depressed!"

"Conjure a patronus then."

"What?"

"Conjure a patronus. Right now."

"Fine." She said, whipping out her wand. She concentrated on that dream image from deep within her silently said _Expecto Patronum_. Once again, a doe bounded from the tip of her wand. Lily smiled at it and ran a hand above its nose, almost touching it.

"Happy now, Potter?"

"You... you don't mind that your patronus is a doe?" He asked, surprised.

"Not at all. I really like it that way. It's like me..."

"Then why were you upset before?"

Lily gave an exasperated sigh, deciding that if she wanted him to drop the topic she would have to give him a tiny bit of truth to satisfy him.

"Did you know that it doesn't have to be a memory?"

"What?"

"You don't have to have a happy memory to conjure a patronus. The one I used never happened. It's not real. It's something I hope for in the future, but it's not real, not a memory..."

"Oh."

"And yes, that's a bit sad, that my only happy memory isn't even real... but seriously, it's nothing to get your knickers in a twist about."

"Ah, but that's what friends do. I mean, I know you are a social retard with no friends, and well... you are rather frightening to look at so it's not great surprise why people avoid you... I'm just giving you a taste of what interaction between humans is like."

Lily grinned. Friend. She didn't have to fumble around for the appropriate thing to say or do anymore. He considered her a friend, to some extent at least. Good. That would make things easier on her. It was ok to have happy memories about having good times with your friends... nothing shameful in that at all. And yet he did just make fun of her... and for that he deserved a bit of _friendly_ retaliation.

"Thank you. You helped. Now you can run back to your office and write in your diary that you did a good thing today."

"Don't patronize me, Evans."

"Then _don't_ patronize _me_." She said pointedly. He shrugged.

"Fair enough."

"Well I don't know about you, but I have work to do."

"I do too. Papers to grade, lessons to plan...Think you can help me out tomorrow after class?"

"Of course."

"Great. So... I guess we should get to work."

"We should."

They stood there for a moment in awkward silence.

"You know we aren't getting any work done by standing in the corridor." She said.

"I know that, Evans... but for some reason you won't let us in..."

"Us?"

"I've told you before that it much pleasanter working in your common room than in my office..."

"But it's _**my**_ room..."

"Yes, and it's very kind of you to share it."

"It's not sharing if it's not consensual, it's occupation. The French weren't _sharing_ Alsace and Lorraine with Germany."

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't you know anything about history?"

"Of course I do but I haven't heard of this..."

"1940s... Huge war..."

"Oh! You mean the reign of Grindlewald!"

"Oh forget it, come in." She said, defeated, standing aside to let him in.

"Thank you. You know we really have to work on your manners Evans. This whole unsocial not inviting people in thing is just rude."

"And barging in uninvited isn't?"

"You just asked me to come in..."

"Because you badgered me until I did, you intrusive wanker..."

"Nonsense Evans, we were having a delightful conversation about history..."

"I don't have time for this." She said, sitting in the armchair and pulling out her homework from her school bag. James took a seat on the couch and they both got down to work.

Once Lily finished her last assignment around a quarter to two she yawned and stretched, glancing at Potter.

"Finished?" He asked her.

"Yes sir."

"Good, take these." He said, handing her a stack of essays. "It's 3rd year, easy stuff, they are supposed to be a foot long, mark in red if they get something wrong and correct it. You know how the grading scale works..."

"Are you actually making me grade your papers?"

"With two of us working it will get done twice as fast." He said. Lily glowered. "Don't make me sound like a tyrant, I _did_ give you the 3rd year essays instead of the 7th year ones..."

"How kind..."

"Exactly. I really want to finish the 7th year essays so we can discuss it in class tomorrow and wrap up nonverbal defence so we can start something new for next week."

Sounded fair enough to her when he put it like that. Lily got a new quill and dipped it into the red ink and began grading. She felt slightly nostalgic as she read through the essays, making corrections. She found it a lot easier than she thought it would be. She assumed she would find it difficult to decide what grade each essay deserved, but it turned out to be a rather simple process for such a straight forward essay. An hour and a half later she wrote a Acceptable on the last of the essays.

"Alright Potter I..." She looked at her Professor, shocked.

He was fast asleep. She had finished her own work ages ago. She could have gone to bed but she had stayed up to help him and he had gone to sleep and let her carry on working! Why that inconsiderate, ill mannered, exploiting...

Her lovely list of heartfelt insults were cut short when Lily heard a voice. He heart stopped.

"James... James!" Someone said. It wasn't her, and it wasn't Potter, then who was it? Lily looked around the room, terrified at the disembodied voice. It seemed like it was coming from James himself... She approached him cautiously. "Fuck's sake Prongs where are you?!" Lily shook her head in disbelief. Prongs? It sounded as if one of the marauders was trying to contact him. It wasn't Remus's voice, and she didn't think it was Peter, which left...

"Sirius?" She whispered. Finding the courage to reach into Potter's pocket and pulled out something she thought the sound was coming from. It was a mirror, only it didn't reflect herself. Instead it showed her the face, _the painfully beautiful face_, of Sirius Black.

Sirius looked just as surprised, if not more so, to see her. He had obviously wanted to talk to James but instead it was some strange girl he didn't know.

"You... are Lily Evans..." He said unsmoothly. Ok, so perhaps he _did_ know.

"Sirius Black." She she said back.

"Nice to meet you." He said, regaining his composure.

"The pleasure is mine." She replied politely. "Sorry, but Potter seems to be... unconscious... at the moment." She said looking over to the sleeping professor. "Oh hell, he's drooling on my cushion!"

Sirius let out a bark of laughter. He really was that large lovable dog, even as a human. "Sorry for ol' Prongsie. Once he's asleep he's completely out of it. It would take a banshee choir and a brass band to wake him up..."

"I wish I would. I wake up at the sound of an owl wing."

"But owl's fly silently."

"I know..."

"Ah. Sorry, did I wake you?"

"Unfortunately no, I was still up doing work. _His_ work as a matter of fact, the wanker... Do you want me to wake him? I don't have any banshees around but I know a few hexes he's not likely to sleep through..."

"What did you have in mind?" Sirius asked, cocking a curious eyebrow. Lily grinned wickedly.

"_Rictasempra_..." She purred. "And I wouldn't take it off for half an hour..."

Sirius laughed heartily again which somehow made Lily feel warm inside. "Lady, you are too good to be true. I take it he told you that story..."

"Yes, but he refuses to tell me what you did to get him back..."

"Ah, that's a story for another time, Lily dear." He said. Lily's face fell in disappointment. Sirius, unwilling, or perhaps inherently _incapable_ of disappointing women added in compensation "But I _will_ tell you later, I promise."

Lily smiled appreciatively. "Thank you, you are a gentleman and a scholar."

"I assure you madam, I am neither." He said charmingly.

"Do you want me to wake him?"

"Not yet... actually I would like to talk to _you_ for a while longer..."

"Oh?..."

"Yes, I wanted to apologize for Saturday night.

"No, don't. It was my fault."

"No, James was right. It's too dangerous for us to be out at night, and I can't tell you how terrible we feel that you got hurt. I promise it will never happen again."

"I'm fine. Potter mended my shoulder well enough... and... well... I suppose you know about the other thing..."

"The other thing?"

"You are a big black dog, right?"

"And you are a doe..."

"So you _do_ know about the other thing, so... there is no need to worry about... that. You haven't said anything to Remus have you?"

"No, James told me not to, that it would only hurt Mooney and I'm inclined to agree."

"Yes, Remus would only blame himself and give him more reason to hate himself and I simply won't do that. He is too good for that."

"You know him?"

"Of course, Potter didn't tell you?"

"He fails to mention _lots_ of things." He said, with a hint of bitterness.

"Remus was one of my two tutors in first year. He helped a lot, and not just with homework..."

"I'm not surprised. Remus really is the best of us..." Sirius said, a warm smile spreading across his face. The moment was soon over, however, and his smile changed back to one Lily knew he saved only for the ladies... "So, Miss Evans, would you mind if I ask you a few questions?"

"If I am allowed to ask you a few in turn."

"Sounds fair."

"Then please ask."

"Why did you want to become an animagus? I know why _we_ did, but what reasons did you have?"

"I had no real reasons." She replied honestly. "Proving to myself that I am as clever as everyone seems to think I am. I liked the idea of having abilities that other people don't."

"From what I hear you are rather clever... you do wandless magic, and even _make up your own spells_..."

"He's told you about that?" Lily said, slightly embarrassed.

"He mentioned it." He said easily. "You _will_ teach me that spell one day Miss Evans." Lily was shocked that Potter had told anyone, but it _was_ Sirius after all, if anyone would appreciate that spell, Sirius would. She decided not to be embarrassed about it and play it off as best she could.

"I'll show you sometime."

"No thanks, I'm sure I'd be all too capable on my own in _your_ presence." Lily coolly ignored the blatant insinuation and began her line of questioning

"My turn. How much do you know about me?"

"More than you'd probably be comfortable with..." He said, leaving it at that.

"Oh." She said, surprised. Somehow she found that to be a perfectly adequate answer. If it would make her uncomfortable then he was being kind by not elucidating further.

"He did, however, mention that you managed to conjure a corporeal patronus this evening."

"News travels fast, huh..." She said unenthusiastically.

"I hope he didn't bother you about asking what was wrong."

"Oh he did."

"That prat, I told him not too..."

"Thank you, Sirius, but I manoeuvred around it."

"It wasn't because your patronus was a doe, was it..." He said, somehow knowing.

"No it wasn't..."

"And if I asked what memory you used to conjure it, you wouldn't tell me, would you..."

"No, I wouldn't." She said, unable to suppress an astonished grin. She was under the distinct impression that Sirius somehow knew already. Why is it that she felt so open with Sirius? She felt like she could tell him anything, which was dangerous because he was Potter's best friend. Why could she talk to him and not to Potter? Probably because Sirius isn't a teacher, and has absolutely no sense of decency, so there is no lines of propriety she had to be weary of crossing around him.

"That's what I assumed..." He said smugly, but not in annoyingly so.

"You didn't tell _him_ that, did you?"

"Of course not Evans, you insult me."

"Sorry..."

"Quite alright. Now my next question..."

"I think it's my turn, you just asked about my memory..."

"But you asked if I had told him..."

"Fine, go. Even though that's cheating..."

"Thank you. What are your favourite flowers?"

"What has that to do with anything?"

"Would you prefer I ask about your sex life? Because I will with great pleasure...So what position...?"

"Petunias." She said quickly.She unsure if it was true or not. It was just the first flower that jumped into her head to stop Sirius from finishing his question.

"Not Lilies?" He asked amusedly. Oh, that's right, her name was a flower too... When she thought about it, she really did like Lilies.

"I like them both, to be honest... but I didn't want to choose my own name for fear of appearing uncreative. So what is your favourite drink? Firewhiskey?"

"Dogbite, actually... A guinness and cider."

"Did you choose that drink, or did it choose you?"

"How can one really know?"

"And what do you do, Mr. Black? For a profession..."

"Oh, will you look at the time..." He said.

"Are you dodging the question, Black? How underhanded of you."

"Certainly not. I was merely pointing out the late hour..."

"I'm sorry to have kept you this long."

"Not at all, it was a pleasure talking to you, and I'm not saying that just to be polite."

"Do you say _anything_ just be polite?"

"No. I almost always have an ulterior motive."

"That's what I thought. Shall I hand you to James?"

"No, might as well let him sleep. I'll try again later."

"Very well."

"One more question before I go... but I don't want you to answer it, just think it over carefully."

"What?"

"Why would Prongs be over at your place at 3 in the morning, drooling in his sleep on your pillow?"

"Goodnight Black." She smiled sarcastically. She knew he was just yanking her wand.

"Goodnight, Lily." He said, and gave her a final stunning smile.

Not knowing what to do to end the connection she just replaced it (carefully) back into Potter's pocket.

When the mirror was safely tucked away and Lily sitting on her bed she said aloud, "Well that was... interesting, to say the least."

The _very_ least.


	14. Dyeing, Duelling and Drowning

A few hours later, Lily's alarm was going off, and she was reluctantly throwing the covers off of her. Her feet were freezing on the stone floor. After a quick shower, (so quick because the water was bitterly cold), she got dressed and left to meet Hagrid and Slughorn downstairs. She had completely forgotten Potter was asleep on her couch until she saw him there, one leg completely off the couch and still drooling on her cushion. She decided to leave him there for the time being. She'd deal with him when she returned.

Stuffing her potions notes and a corked sample into her bag, she left. Hagrid was already there waiting for her, but Slughorn hadn't shown yet, so she took the opportunity to warn Hagrid.

"Slughorn may be coming any minute, he will want Mercury's blood that we collected."

"I don't have it anymore..."

"Don't have what anymore, Hagrid?" Slughorn said as he approached.

"Mercury's blood. Gave it to Dumbledore..."

Slughorn looked defeated. Not the hang dog look, but someone who just lost by a single point, someone who had gotten so close and let had nothing to show for it. A sore loser, in other words.

"I know this might not be the best time to bring this up sir, but I have here the potion I was telling you about. I have all my notes and a sample of it... I didn't want to give it to you in class..."

"Have you tested it?"

"Twice. It worked like a charm." She said, then added, "I mean it worked perfectly." It had been a while since she had slipped up like that. In the muggle world it was alright to say things like that, but in this castle saying that a potion works like a charm would have many a witch and wizard scratching their heads, wondering if they need to use an incantation...

This seemed to distract Slughorn away from his bad mood momentarily and he took the offered items from her and inspected them interestedly. "My word Evans" He said as he skimmed the second page of notes. "You tested this yourself?"

"Of course. I would never let someone else try it if I hadn't taken it myself first to make sure it is safe. You see there I've written all the effects of it...

"Why do you have a question mark next to 'tingly toes'?"

"Because I'm not sure if that was the potion or simply me being cold..."

"Ah."

"Well, as you know I have a unicorn to feed so I will see you in class tomorrow, proffesor."

"Yes... yes..." He said vaguely still reading the notes as he was walking away.

"Sorry about that, Hagrid."

"Nothin to worry about. He's the Potion's Professor, right? That's what he's supposed to do..."

"I suppose so, but enough of that, how are you?" She asked as they crossed the lawn to his hut.

"Fine. Beau'iful mornin..."

"It is indeed. I was just wondering if you were alright. Is anything bothering you?"

"No no... just get nervous sometimes for you tha's all. Last night when you joined the order I was thinkin how dark things are. Can't bring meself to read the prophet anymore. Too many familiar names..."

"I know Hagrid."

"If anything happened to you, Lily I don't know what I'd do..." Lily was relieved, and yet slightly unnerved to see that Hagrid's face was set, and not scrunched up with the usual tears.

"Same here Hagrid. Let's not think about that until it comes, which it might not ever. But I promise I'm not going anywhere anytime soon."

The morning's feeding was more subdued than usual, and when Lily returned to her chambers she was pensive and quiet, once again having forgotten that her Professor was asleep on her couch.

She checked her watch. 30 minutes until they stopped serving breakfast. She whipped out her wand, trying to think of what mischief she should do. She didn't want anything too serious, nothing he could legitimately get angry for. She settled on turning his hair blue. Pink, she had thought would have been too much of a consternation to him, so she settled for blue with sparkles.

"Potter. Potter, wake up." She said shaking him. He didn't budge. She tried again with no success... She sighed, not actually wanting to go through with it, but not seeing anyway around it.

"Rictasempra!"

_That_ woke him up. She only let him laugh for half a minute or so before she took it off, she didn't want him mad at her, not yet anyway... not for this.

"Damn it, Evans..."

"Sorry, you wouldn't wake up and breakfast will stop serving soon..."

"What time is it?" He said suppressing a yawn as he looked at his grandfather's watch. "Already?"

Lily was already at the portrait hole. "The coast is clear... I'll be along in a second."

"You aren't coming now?"

"Of course not, I couldn't stand the humiliation of being seen in public with you..."

"Fair enough. I'll see you in class. "

When James entered the great hall he felt rather strange, as if people were staring more than usual. When he sat down at the Head Table Professor Flitwick gave him a shaky "hello," but no one else seemed to say anything, just stare. Did he have something on his face?

"Always after attention. You haven't changed much since your school days, Potter." McGonagall said. "But why did you choose to change your hair _blue_?"

"My... _**blue?**_" He asked, grabbing a spoon and staring at his warped reflection. Sure enough, his hair was blue...

"You didn't know?" She asked, incredulous.

"I didn't, but don't let anyone else know that or my reputation will be ruined. If anyone asks I did this myself."

"A prankster must have done it on your way to breakfast..."

"Or while I slept..." He muttered angrily.

"Nonsense, a student would never be able to get into your dormitory. That's why it's password protected..."

"Oh right, of course..." He said, silently cursing Lily Evans. "Well, I am going to go see if I can get rid of this. Good morning, Professor." He said grabbing a piece of toast and leaving again. He hoped he would find Lily on her way down, but he didn't, nor was she in her Head Dorm. So she was hiding... at least she knew what was good for her. He stopped into the boys' toilet on the second floor and studied his reflection in the mirror. Blue... well, at least it wasn't pink. She had at least chosen a shade better suited to his skin tone...

Heaving a sigh he took out his wand. Knowing Lily to be a charms whiz he didn't really have any hope of fixing it, but he at least had to try.

As he had suspected, it remained blue and sparkly no matter what he tried. Now that he knew he was stuck with it he decided that he didn't really mind anyway. It was the opposite of 'sour grapes'. If you were going to be stuck with something, might as well enjoy it. It was eye catching at least.

The girls in his 2 morning classes were a bit more giggly than usual, but other than that, it was perfectly fine... well.. it did get a bit old, having people keep asking him about it. He gave a different answer each time just to make things more amusing for himself.

He was disappointed when he didn't see Lily in the Great Hall for lunch though... He'd see her in class that afternoon no matter what, he could endure till then.

James groaned when he saw Slughorn enter the Great Hall. Somehow he _knew_ that he would sit next to him.

"Afternoon m'boy!" He said as he sat down to James's right.

"Afternoon Professor Slughorn..." He said dispassionately.

"I say, your hair is..."

"Blue, yes, I know. And how are you this afternoon?" He asked, not really caring.

"Oh fine fine. I'm wide awake as a matter of fact! Just awarded Lily Evans 50 points for Gryffindor for inventing a new potion."

"Really? I just gave her 30 for inventing a new spell." He said, sounding completely uninterested in the conversation, but Slughorn didn't notice.

"Extraordinary witch."

"Yes, well it was nice to talking to you sir, I have to go."

He rose from the table and walked away, aware that that had been the least intersting conversation and the least courteous exit had ever made. Heads turned as he left the great hall, following the head of blue... This would be so much easier to deal with if he weren't so exhausted.

Lily wasn't in her room so he went back upstairs and locked himself in his office.

"Sirius..." He said to the mirror.

"Hey Prongs." He said, taking in the blue hair and not even commenting. See, this is why James loved Sirius.

"How are you?"

"No complaints. So tell me what happens next in the Lily and James drama..."

"I'm too tired to yell at you for that so I'm just going to say... what it is I wanted to say."

"And that would be?"

"That you don't actually have to use a memory to conjure a patronus. Lily didn't. She just used a happy thought."

"Did she now..." Sirius said, cocking a brow. "But of course, she didn't tell you what that happy thought was."

"I didn't ask."

"So you badgered her about things anyway, I take it?"

"No..." He lied.

Sirius made no comment. His silence was statement enough.

"Ok, yes," He finally admitted. "But it turned out well."

"I'm sure it did." He said skeptically.

"Why do you keep talking like you already know everything?" James asked, but Sirius blatently ignored him.

"So our Lily flower was upset that her happy thought wasn't a legitimate memory."

"Yes."

"And you left it at that? Didn't enquire into what that happy thought was?"

"Yes."

"And then you left her in peace and didn't continue to pester her about anything else?"

"Erm..."

"Just say no I can finish what I'm going to say."

"No." He said with a sigh.

"So you imposed on her to the point where she was driven to commit colourful revenge on your hair."

"That's the story..."

"Well, I hope you learned your lesson."

"I certainly... Wait, what lesson.?"

Sirius shook his head. "Prongs... Prongs... Prongs Prongs Prongs... Your lack of common sense is almost refreshing in that 'I feel like I can slap you and not feel guilty about it kind of way...'"

"What?"

"Nothing. I'm just going to laugh when you finally figure it out and come running to tell me like it's big news..."

"I'm not awake enough for this... When I figure what out? When what's big news, my lesson?"

"No, fool."

"Then what's the lesson?"

"The lesson is that you should stop being such a prat all the time, but you can't help that and it's unimportant now anyway. The main thing is that I'm just going to laugh when you wake up and realise what you are doing."

"What am I doing?"

"You are talking to me on the mirror when you should be in class, for one thing..."

"Shit." James stuffed the mirror away and walked out of his office into the classroom where the entire class was waiting for him. He glanced at his watch. Only 5 minutes late. Good. Now what the fuck was he supposed to be teaching? Wait, what lesson was Sirius talking about? Why did it seem that everyone knew something he didn't?

After a disastrous lesson the 7th years trailed in, and all of them 15 minutes early. Save Lily, naturally.

"Professor?" Victoria White started, not taking her eyes off of him... or more accurately, his new colourful curls.

"Somehow my hair turned bright blue." He said conversationally.

"With sparkles..." Lily added helpfully. When had she arrived? She was smiling so genuinely at him that he forgot he was supposed to be mildly cross. Now that he saw her, the whole thing was nothing short of hilarious...

"With sparkles..." He acknowledged in mock gratefulness, then added pointedly. "But perhaps it's a bit too distracting for today's examination..." Lily was pleased that he didn't seem angry at all, in fact, he seemed to be enjoying himself.

He gave Lily so quick a wink that she barely saw it. What did that mean? What did he want her to do?

"Did you know I'm 1/16 metamorphmagus? Watch, I'll change my hair back without casting a single spell..." He screwed up his face in mock concentration. Lily laughed to herself but decided she would play along and humour him. Wandlessly and silently she removed the charm she had put on him that morning and the blue faded into the usual black.

The class oohed and ahed, and there was scattered applause. He gave the class a dazzling smile and bowed, loving the attention. Once everyone had calmed down a moment later he turned to the matter of the practical exam.

"The first exam will begin in 10 minutes. I will draw names at random to determine what order you will go in. Once you have done yours you are free to leave. You may now find a partner and do some last minute practice."

People grabbed each other and started practicing immediately. Lily could see the panic in some of their faces.

"So how do you think this will go?" Potter asked under his breath.

"They look slightly..."

"Ow! My eye!!!!!" A student shouted.

"Oh merlin, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! Professor! Hospital wing!" His guilty partner shouted. Potter waved a hand as if shooing them away and they both left, one holding his face in his hands.

"Terrified." She finished. "So scared they would fake an eye injury to get out of doing it..."

"What?"

"He didn't really get hit in the eye... He just covered his eye and started shouting like he was in pain, and they both left..."

"Evans, why did you tell me that." He said with a groan.

"I didn't..." She said. "I'm going to the loo, I'll be back." She might as well be the authority figure this time, she knew how much he hated punishing.

She hurried out of the classroom, after the two boys. She spied them at the end of the hall and ran after them.

Knowing that if she said 'wait', they would only run away, she snuck up on them as she had been taught.

"Afternoon, boys." She said once she was right behind them. They both whipped around, startled.

"Shit..." One said.

"That's right. Look, I don't want to get you guys in trouble, I really don't. But I can't just let you skive off like this either. If you come back to class no one has to get detentions or lose points and no one has to know a thing."

"Except for the fact that I'm supposed to have an injured eye..."

"I'll just say I went after you to make sure you were alright and fixed it. The story will be that you hit him with a conjunctivitis curse and didn't know the counter curse... how's that?"

"Why are you doing this?"

"I told you... As Head Girl I can't let you get away with it but I don't want to see you get in trouble either. Fair?"

They stared and the ground and mumbled something that at least _rhymed_ with fair, so Lily took that for an affirmative answer.

"And it won't be that bad. I promise. It goes in order of difficulty so you know kind of what to expect."

"It does?"

"Mmhmm. So let's go back. They are bound to start drawing names soon."

The three of them made their way back to the classroom, the boys in a slightly better mood. When they came back in Potter said in a booming voice, "How's the eye?"

"Evan's fixed it for me..."

"Oh, thank you Miss Evans. 10 points to Gryffindor. You still have about 3 minutes if you want to practice some more..." He said to the boys.

They nodded and retook their places in the classroom and began practicing in earnest this time.

"I can't believe you gave me points..." She said angrily, or at least she _hoped_ she sounded angry. On the inside she was positively squirming with pleasure.

"I didn't, not really. I'm just giving back what I unjustly took from you Friday."

"Oh... So you still owe me for today." She said.

"If you hadn't said anything in the first place then I wouldn't have known..."

"Yes, but do you really want your students to get away with such cowardly behaviour?"

"No... Did you take points?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I would have if they had refused to come back to class and take the exam... But they are here and they've learned their lesson so..."

"So there is no need for Gryffindor to loose any points over it, eh?" He said giving her a conspiratorial wink.

"That smacks of nepotism."

He shrugged apathetically. "I favour you all the time and you never preach about nepotism."

"Well... that's... because..." unable to give him the real reason, which she didn't the even _herself_ rightly know, she explained lamely, "because it's not like you aren't taking away points from me when you should..."

"That's not true. I don't punish you all the time! How many students do you think could get away scotch free after turning their teacher's hair blue?"

"How many teachers do you know who can get away scotch free with sleeping in their students room."

"Touché... But I didn't take any points for Filch's file cabinets."

"Yes, but I'm doing that detention anyway by helping you with your class preparation..."

"I never made you go to detention for Friday's class..."

"I went but you never showed, so that's _your_ fault. And besides, you said yourself you were wrong and were going to take it back anyway..."

"I never said that!"

"You did so. You told Hagrid that afternoon."

"He told you that?"

"Of course not. Hello? Doe? Forest? _But she's so beau'iful, le's see if we can go say hello_..." Then she switched her impersonations from Hagrid's voice to Potter's, "_To a deer?_" Then back to Hagrid, "_Course! Maybe it will let yeh pet her._" Back to Potter, "_Why not. Much better out here trying to tame a doe than in the Great Hall.._"

Potter looked scandalized. "10 points from Gryffindor!"

"For what... being an illegal animagus? Or for being in the dark forest?"

"For... for... eavesdropping!" He nearly shouted

"You are one to talk, Mr. King of the Pumpkin Patch!" Again, she had a point that he was forced to concede. Giving up on that strain of the argument he switched back to the other about being overly lenient with her.

"I don't punish you for skipping my class."

"Well... that's true I suppose. But..." She couldn't really think of a proper argument. It had been for a good cause certainly, but cutting class was cutting class.

"And in October, you turned in your essay a day late and I didn't take anything off for it."

"October?" She asked, genuinely confused. "That's too far back to be nepotism. Perhaps it was just oversight?" She said questioningly. Potter chuckled.

"No oversight Evans, you've always been my favourite," he said rumpling her hair. Lily felt her face flush with glee. "Mine, and every other Professor's too. Well, Flitwick's and Slughorn's certainly, McGonagall's too, but she'd never admit to it. But you are head girl, Gryffindor, and in the order, so pretty much goes without saying... And I would even bet a few galleons that Dumbledore has a soft spot for you too..."

"Could you try to get Binn's in on the fan club? I get absolutely no sympathy from him."

"I'll do my best. But for now, I have an exam to give. You are going last by the way."

"What? I thought it was the luck of the draw?"

"Your name isn't in there. So you are involuntarily going last. I can't have you go first and intimidate the other students now can I? Besides, we've got work to do after this anyway..." He raised his voice to a gentle bellow and continued "Alright, time's up! Everyone take your seats except for..." He reached into a box and pulled out a sliver of parchment, "Anne Wilkes!"

Everyone sat down at their desks and watched with nervous expecting eyes as Anne made her way to the front. It would be torture for some students, being put on the spot like that. She didn't watch Anne as she began her exam; she watched the rest of the class to see their reactions.

Because Anne didn't do too well or too poorly, the class didn't seem to become too intimidated or nervous. Next came Rupert and without thinking Lily started clapping.

"Let's go Roo!" She said encouragingly. The rest of the class joined in cheering him and he stepped up to the platform in the front of the class with a bit more confidence.

One by one the students went up to take their tests, but nobody really left afterwards. They stayed to watch and cheer on the next person. Some people didn't block every curse, but there were no serious injuries. Anytime someone let a curse get by their defences the class would start cheering encouragingly again. When the second to last person's name was called to stand up and defend himself, Alice looked over at her meaningfully. Lily didn't know what it was supposed to mean and she didn't ask. During the bout, however, Alice decided to explain herself and leaned over to her and whispered, "of course it _would_ be **you** to go last..."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean you are the best in the class, it will be the grand finale!"

"There will be no grand finale..." Lily said chidingly while the class applauded as the Ravenclaw boy stepped off the platform after having passed his exam. To Lily's surprise, Potter put his wand to his throat and his voice suddenly grew so loud it was almost deafening.

"And last, but _certainly_ not least... the Lovely... Lily... _**Evans**_!" He said theatrically. Lily heard Rupert start chanting "Lily! Lily! Lily!" before the rest of the class started joining in. Even the "eye" boys she had wrangled earlier to come back to class were shouting her name.

Lily stood up and walked to the front of the class to whistles and cat calls. She smiled embarrassedly. Ok so perhaps this was supposed to be a grand finale...

"No funny stuff Evans, remember, _I_ am attacking _you_." He said. The class laughed.

"Silently, and in no order." She whispered.

"Why make it harder on yourself?"

"They want a show, let's give them a show."

"A proper duel, then?" He said, grinning wickedly.

"You're on."

"I know non certified spells too Evans, remember that... This time I won't hold back."

"Good."

"Evans has mortally insulted me, so I have challenged her to a duel, which she accepted." He said loudly for everyone to hear.

The class burst out into applause again.

"Now, of course, duelling isn't _exactly_ allowed so let's keep this between 7th year DADA, alright? My honour is at stake after all!"

"So we walk, turn, bow and draw?" Came Lily's voice.

"That's how it goes... The first one to get hit loses?"

"I'd say the first one to quit loses. Like a real duel."

"Very well then. Back to back." He said. Lily stood behind him, backs toward each other. Then they began walking as he counted, 1,2,3...

After 10 paces they turned, and Potter gave a sweeping gentleman's bow. "Miss Evans..."

"Professor Potter." She said doing an equally silly lady's curtsey. There was a moment of intense stillness and silence throughout the room in which no one seemed to be breathing. Lily had completely forgotten that everyone else was even there, she had become completely focused.

"Begin!" He shouted, and everything started happening. She knew by the feel that he was getting all the initial curses out of the way, the ones for the exam. She blocked them easily and deftly as she fired ones back.

They quickly fell into the rhythm of attack, defend, attack, defend... the curses getting harder and harder, more and more dangerous. All of them higher than even the highest on the exam.

She got in a good blow to his stomach, he doubled over in pain, but that didn't stop him from shooting of something in retaliation.

It was a clever curse, she hadn't been afraid of it because she knew what it was, so her natural defensive shield didn't seem to kick it. It slithered around through her defence and slapped her across the face. It stung and she felt something trickle down her cheek as the class gasped. She wasn't paying attention to them though, she was fighting back. She didn't mind it getting violent. She wanted it that way. Death Eaters wouldn't bother giving her the hiccoughs or use the bat bogey hex...

She tried petrificus totalus, but he blocked that easily and sent a curse she didn't recognise zinging towards her. That one triggered her shield which seemed to explode, sending Potter flying onto his back and his desk skidding into the wall, the papers on top of it flying everywhere. Some of the students shrieked in surprise but neither Lily nor James took notice of them. In a moment he was back on his feet and they fell into the rhythm again of attacking and defending.

On a strange sudden impulse, she pointed her wand and shouted "Expeliarmus" while at the same time in her mind she was thinking and casting the spell for Rictasempra. She hoped that by her saying a spell aloud, he would think that that was the spell she was doing and therefore do the wrong spell to counter the one she actually sent.

It worked. He fell to the ground sputtering with laughter.

"Give up?" She asked.

"Never!" He managed through spats of laughter.

"Fine, I guess we will just have to wait for Remus to get here." She said inspecting her fingernails.

"Fine. I give up! Stop it, Evans! I can't breathe!"

She released him from the curse and he stood up panting. Lily turned to the class to make a bow when she felt a SNAP on her derriere. She let out a loud yip of pain and she shot up straight, glaring at the offending party.

"Bad form Potter!" She said, rubbing her...erm... wounded area.

He shrugged, innocently saying, "What did I do?"

"You know bloody wel..." But she stopped herself short as she saw her classmate's expressions.

They didn't say anything. They were still watching everything she and Potter did with bated breath.

"So... I passed, right?" She asked. Potter drew his brows together in a look of deep consideration.

"What do you think, class, should I pass Evans?" He shouted to the room.

This seemed to wake them up out of their astonished muteness. A cacophony of cheering, whistling, clapping, hooting, hollering, and the banging of fists on the desk filled the classroom. Potter raised his hands to quiet them and they settled down.

"Well Evans the jury has decided that even though it was clearly a draw, and _that_ only because I _let_ you tie with me, that I will give you a... P."

"BOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Came the unanimous reply of the class.

"Ok fine! Alright! An O... and 20 points to Gryffindor."

Once again everyone started cheering again.

"Now pack up and get out of here. If you haven't already turned in your essays, do so now. Put them there on the desk Evans has kindly relocated there."

Lily went back to her desk to collect her essay as the other students left and the few students who hadn't already turned in their esssays stood in line to place them on the desk and leave.

"Lily you are so lucky. I would have died if he had said something like that to me." Alice said.

"Said what?" She asked. It could have been any number of things, and Lily wasn't sure what exactly she had heard, or overheard as the case may be.

"_The lovely Lily Evans_..." She sighed.

"Only because I was the last one to go, he would have been the same if your name was drawn last."

"But of course it was you who went last. Some people have all the luck. Like lucky Lily Evans..."

_Lucky?_ People thought of her has _**lucky**_ Her parents were murdered and death eaters have gone after her twice... She was lucky to be alive, sure, but apart from that Lily thought her luck was pretty abysmal. But that's what people saw her as, the lovely Lily Evans, or the Lucky Lily Evans... no one seemed to see the lost or lonely Lily Evans...

"And who else in the class would have been able to win a duel against the Professor? He is so incredible and so funny." She gushed

"Right..." She said delicately feeling her cheek. Her hand came away smeared with blood.

"Oh you're bleeding by the way."

"I noticed. I have a few more hidden injuries too... I'll fix them in a bit. I'll catch you up later." She said wiping her hand on her robes. Poor elves, blood was terribly difficult to wash out. But perhaps the house elves had a special magic to remove blood stains... she would have to find out.

She was the last in line to hand in her essay, then she had to go back to her desk. Rupert was waiting for her.

"You go on, I have to clean up my wounds and this mess, plus I need to ask him some questions about a few of the spells he used, especially this one. I want to know how he managed to sneak that through..."

"What?"

"Technical theory stuff..."

"Sounds boring..."

"Did it _look_ boring?"

"Hell no."

"Well without technical defensive theory there's not much you can do but point your wand and shout and your opponent and hope you win. Duelling is so much more than that... so I hope you did your best on that essay. I think that was the best thing I did to prepare..."

"The essay?"

"Definitely. Duelling is all about the mental and emotional tactical wheel..."

"If you say so. I'm not going to argue because you obviously know what you're doing. See you at dinner?"

"Perhaps..."

"Or do you have a date with Michaels..."

"I don't know. I'll see you later." He left and she returned to the front of the room and began picking up papers from off the floor. She used her hands, not bothering to do it the magical way. Potter was leaning against the desk, unbuttoning his shirt. He had already taken off his cloak. No doubt to inspect the damage she had done to his middle section with that bowling ball hex. She had created it herself, and simply called it the bowling ball hex because it was what she imagined it was what it would feel like to have a bowling ball crash forcibly into your midsection. She had only ever tried it on herself, and only the one time. She had actually cracked a rib. This was the second time she had ever used it, and she only did because she couldn't think of anything else at the time.

She went over to him to inspect his injuries.

"Does it hurt to breathe?" She asked. He took a deep breath.

"A bit."

"Where?"

"On... my insides." He said unsurely. It was difficult to describe the pain, but he didn't have to because Lily knew. It was like the diaphragm had been squashed into your stomach and lungs... so that breathing didn't exactly hurt it just felt... uncomfortably compressed.

She put her hands gently on his front, fingers testing gingerly, feeling for any cracks or breaks in the ribs.

"Any sharps pains here? Or here?" She asked as her delicate fingers explored his chest.

"No..."

"Ok, I think you just have a few bruised ribs. I can fix those in a second." She said, and followed the action to the word.

"And how are you? Did I get you with anything?"

"Well, apart from this?" She said pointing to her cheek. He took her chin in his hand to keep her head still while he fixed it. "I hope there won't be a scar..."

"Doubt it."

"And what was that you used that burned so much?" She asked, taking off her cloak and blouse as well. She was wearing her favourite green cotton tank top underneath. She held out her bicep to him. A large red burn glowed there, stinging still.

He pointed his wand at it and muttered something that seemed to cool it instantly. She committed the spell to memory in case she needed it in the future. She had two more, one on her thigh and another, on her derriere. She would fix those herself later.

"How did you reverse the blue hair? I tried everything..."

"Did you try saying please?" She said simply. James looked incredulous.

"Are you taking a piss?"

"No."

"You mean all I had to do was say please?"

"That is _**the**_ magic word, isn't it?"

"I swear on Merlin's grave, Evans. You are _the most_..." But just exactly 'the most' what he didn't know. "You know what it doesn't matter. Come on, put your shirt back on we've got work to do."

He summoned two cage/tanks from his office. He held one and he gave the other to Lily.

"What are we getting?"

"Grindylows..."

"You mean... from the lake?"

"Well I certainly don't mean to go fishing for them in the toilets... You have a bathing suit?"

"I... uh..."

"It's a yes or no question, there is minimal thinking involved."

"Yes."

"Good, you'll need it."

They stopped by her room so she could change into her bathing suit. She hadn't warn it since 5th year and she wasn't sure it would even fit anymore, but she slid into it anyway, the material stretching more tightly than she would liked, but it was the best she had. She took the opportunity to use the cooling spells on her other two burns. They were still red, but at least the pain was gone. Pulling on skirt, jumper and robes over her she rejoined Potter in the common room and they went out to the grounds. It was a frigid day, no one was outside. A perfect day for a swim in icy water, Lily thought.

"Well, you are the expert here, what do we do?"

"Well, I would recommend the bubblehead charm to breath underwater, and to keep warm I would use the thermilacorpus charm. As for catching grindylows, well, you'd know as well as I do."

"Right then. Well... cheers!" He said stripping down to his boxers and putting the thermilacorpus charm as quickly as possible. Lily followed suit, relieved when she felt the warmth of the charm take effect. Unlike some less complicated and easier charms, thermilicorpus really did maintain your body temperature, instead of making you simply _feel _warmer than you actually are. Those other kinds of spells could kill a witch or wizard if they weren't careful. Ignoring the warning signs of frostbite etc, and dying of the cold without even feeling it.

After bubbling their heads they dove in, wands out and lit for light. She indicated for Potter to follow her to a section of the lake that was more likely to have Grindylows. Lower they went, to the bottom of the lake, disturbing the water plants to provoke one into coming out.

Lily was successful in the first few minutes. She prodded it out of the seaweed, and had it captured in its tank within a minute. She handed the cage to Potter, pointing it upward, and taking his empty one from him. He went to put it up above on the bank while she got the next one. Using the same method, she shot hot water into a mess of water weeds, drawing out another grindylow. With just as much ease as she had the first time she snatched it up in the cage and set it upwards to float along to the top ahead of her. She had been about to follow it when something caught her eye, hidden in the water plants. It was a necklace... a _beautiful_ necklace. It wasn't any merpeople creation, but the finest craftsmanship of humans or perhaps it was even goblin made. What a waste to have thrown such a lovely piece of jewellery in a lake!

She reached for it, picking away the plants that seemed to want to keep it from her, but at last she pulled it free, wrapping the chain between her fingers.

The next thing she felt was pain. Excruciating pain, as if her heart and lungs were trying to turn themselves inside out inside her chest. She couldn't see. She couldn't breathe. She rejected the pain with her entire being. Rejecting everything. Go away! Go away!

Her bubble head charm and warmth vanished as they were unintentionally bidden and water rushed into her already screaming lungs. Lily knew if she passed out now she would die, but she didn't care. She just wanted it to end, and with that she fell into the darkness.

James had found the cage floating upward, but he didn't see Lily. Letting the cage float its way to the surface he went lower to look for her. Again, that ripping panic clutched at his heart, stopping it from beating. Her bubble was gone, and she was floating just above the bottom of the lake, eyes closed, unmoving. His body started acting before his brain did, he was dragging her up and out of the lake before his mind had even caught up with the situation. He didn't have time to ponder what happened, he just had to get her breathing again. No way was she dead. She couldn't be dead. She couldn't die. Not this time either. It couldn't be his fault again... not again.

He pounded on her chest and pinched her nose, breathing into her mouth to fill her lungs. He did it again, and again.

"No, no, no..."

He wouldn't give up. She could still come back... keep pounding, keep breathing...

She was still in pain, the air that was being forced into her lungs only seemed to choke her more. As she gained awareness of her surroundings the pain increased as well. She was no longer underwater, and Potter was breathing into her mouth. No, stop, you are making it worse! Her mind screamed, but her body knew she needed the oxygen, and her lungs couldn't work on their own.

The necklace chain was still wound through her fingers. Go away! Get it away! She started flailing, having spasms and twitching, trying to get the cursed thing off, but she didn't have enough control over her own body to do it.

Help! Somebody, anybody! Help!

Potter was still there, breathing for her. Wrenching unwanted oxygen through twisted bronchial tubes.

She felt it slip off one finger... then another. Yes, almost... get off, get off! The less of her the necklace seemed to touch, the more control she seemed to regain over her body.

She coughed water out of her lungs, and vomited it out of her stomach, nearly choking on it anew.

She inhaled deeply, real air. It felt good and yet scratched all the way in at the same time, unwilling. She screamed in furious pain and flung the necklace as far from her as possible. She felt the release of the curse and she collapsed onto the ground, taking deep, steady, almost pain free breaths.

"YES! Good girl. Oh thank Merlin."

"Damn... necklace." Lily said, shivering terribly in his embrace. "Don't... touch... cursed."

He would worry about what she meant later, right now he needed to get her somewhere warm. Scooping her up in his arms he ran to Hagrid's.

"Hagrid! Hagrid!!!!!" James shouted as he kicked the door repeatedly as hard has he could.

"Wha the..."

"Help!" He cried desperately. Hagrid took one glance and plucked the unconscious Lily right out of James's arms and placed her in his bed. He wrapped her up tightly in several giant sized blankets.

"Potter..." Hagrid began, James was terrified by the deadly calm in Hagrid's voice. The _deadly_, being the frightening part... "What 'ave yeh done?"

"I... I don't know."

"What 'appened!" He roared.

"I don't know! She said something about a cursed necklace."

"A what?"

"She had one in her hand, when she finally stopped having spasms she chucked it, saying it was cursed. Then she passed out."

"I'm gettin Professor Dumbledore. You. Stay here."

"Of course." And like that Hagrid was out the door, moving much swifter than James had ever thought possible.

Warm, Lily thought when she woke up. How pleasantly warm. She recognised the place as Hagrid's, and the lanky hair bundle beside her as Mercury's head. She began petting him, automatically. Petting Mercury calmed her, relaxed her, steadied her heart. In fact, she was absolutely certain that there was nothing else in the entire world she would rather be doing. Sitting cosily wrapped up in Hagrid's cabin, safe and warm, petting Mercury.

"Why isn't she speaking?"

"She's just encountered a terribly power cursed dark object, she is in shock."

She didn't know if she would call it shock, just far too... _somethinged_ to speak. She didn't care what they said, whoever they were, she didn't want to answer questions... she just wanted to take it easy in the soft covers and think of nothing. She was in a happy place now. A lovely place. She was almost floating above them.

"Can she hear us? Surely she needs to go to the hospital wing, no, to St. Mungos!"

"Lily..." Someone sobbed... Hagrid. It must be Hagrid. Hagrid liked to sob. Yes, she could see him, she realised. Her eyes were open and she was looking at him.

She wanted to say she was perfectly fine and would be content to stay here, but she couldn't seem to muster up the energy. Why were they freaking out about this? Couldn't they see that Mercury wasn't worried?

"Yes, she should be moved immediately."

"No!" She said. She didn't want to move... she wanted to stay here.

"Lily!" Hagrid cried happily.

"Hagrid..." She said dreamily.

"Miss Evans, we are going to take you to the Hospital Wing."

"No." She said again. Who was this woman and why was she ruining Lily's happiness? "Hagrid?"

"I'm ere, Lily." She smiled. Yes, this was good. She needed a bottle to feed Mercury. Someone should hand her the bottle...

"Hungry..." She said.

"If you come with me to the Hospital Wing we can get some food for you."

"Not me! _Him..._" She said, putting her head on the unicorn's. Hagrid gave her the bottle. "Thank you Hagrid."

"Miss Evans, please..."

"Who are you!" Lily asked. This woman was irritating her. She didn't belong in Hagrid's cabin. Mercury needed to eat.

"Oh no... she hasn't... lost her wits has she?" Someone asked. Who was that? Did they belong here?

"With dark objects like that it is certainly a possibility. I will study this necklace to see." The man who was speaking was old. His voice sounded old. She realised she had eyes to see with again and looked for an old man. He was standing by her bed, looking at her.

"What are you doing here?" She asked him. Why were so many people intruding? Surely they didn't belong here. They should go away. "This is Hagrid's house. Go away. You too." She said pointing to the woman.

"Albus... she can't stay here..."

Why were people taking Mercury away from her! They were pulling her out of her warm bed! They were taking her away!

"Hagrid! They are taking me! Stop them Hagrid! Don't let them take me! Hargid!" She cried.

Hagrid cried too...


	15. In Which Tears of Men are Shed

When she woke up again she was not happy _or_ warm. Hagrid wasn't there. Mercury wasn't there. No one was there. Wait, someone _was_ there. A boy. He was crying.

She sat up in her bed that _wasn't_ in Hagrid's house and addressed the boy. "Why are you here? Did they take you away too? Is that why you are crying?"

"No..."

"Well, if you haven't been taken away then you have no reason to cry." She said sternly. The boy sniffed and wiped away some tears. He had to readjust his glasses to rub his eyes. But he stopped crying.

"What is your name, boy?"

"James."

"Why are you here James?"

"Do you know why _you're_ here?"

No, she did not. She didn't not even know where _here_ was. "Why would they take me from Hagrid? Do you know Hagrid?"

"Yes. I know Hagrid."

"This isn't Hagrid's house. What is this place?"

"This is a hospital."

"Are you sick?"

"No..."

"Then what are you doing in a hospital?" She asked. The boy James, started crying again. Obviously he wasn't going to be very helpful, even if he did know Hagrid.

"I have to go back to Hagrid's. Mercury will be waiting for me." She said. Just as she suspected, the boy was not helpful. He just sat there, his face buried in his hands.

The door opened and a woman walked in.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Gladys."

"Hello Gladys." She liked Gladys. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to help you."

"Why thank you!"

"Not at all, lovie, that's what I'm here for."

"So you will take me back to Hagrid's?"

"Hagrid? Oh, the really tall one?"

"Yes! Hagrid is really tall!"

"I'll go get him."

"Thank you!" She liked Gladys.

She was happy to see Hagrid, but Hagrid did not seem happy to see the boy.

"Hagrid, be nice to him, he's been crying." She told him. Hagrid nodded and sniffed. "Hagrid have you been crying too? Why are people crying?"

"Because we are worried about you, Lily. You nearly died, and now you... you're very sick..." Hagrid's voice was wobbly. Oh, she was sick, so that's why she was in a hospital.

"Don't cry Hagrid. Please don't cry. Not you either, James. Please don't cry James and Hagrid." But the more she seemed to insist the more Hagrid and the boy James cried.

A few hours later Sirius black strode in to the waiting room in the 4th floor of St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. His best friend sat, hunched over with his face in his hands. It was two in the morning when James had mirrored him to come to the hospital, which Sirius did without question or hesitation.

He sat down next to him, not saying anything, just waiting until his friend was ready.

"Sirius... What do I do?"

"What happened?"

"She really is gone this time. They have little hope for her..."

"Evans?"

"We were in the lake... capturing grindylows for my lesson tomorrow. I wasn't there when she picked up the necklace, but when I went back down I found her, unconscious under the water. She wasn't breathing, her heart wasn't beating, but I did everything I could to bring her back... I was so happy when she started breathing again... but it was so cold out there, and the water had been so freezing... I took her to Hagrid's, who hates me now, by the way. We tried to get her warm and we got Dumbledore and Pomfrey, but when she finally came around her mind was gone... destroyed by the necklace."

"Necklace?"

"Dumbledore looked at it. He said it's designed to bring unendurable pain, then..." James chocked slightly, then continued. "Death. She was driven mad by it... Well not mad, but her wits are completely gone. She didn't seem to remember anyone but Hagrid. We were talking to her a few hours ago when she just past out. She just keeps getting weaker and weaker and the healers don't think she will ever wake up again..." His voice broke, he couldn't continue.

"Why does Hagrid hate you?"

"Because it's my fault! If I hadn't taken her with me into the lake it never would have happened."

"I'm sure Lily wouldn't blame you."

"Everyone else would."

"Who cares about everyone else? Look, if she dies..."

"No..." He groaned into his hands.

"Listen to me. If she dies, there is no way it can be your fault. You didn't put the cursed necklace there... it's not your fault, and Lily knows that."

"She doesn't know anything now..."

Hagrid walked out of the room, eyes red and puffy. He glared at Potter and addressed Sirius.

"Hello Black." He said, trying to keep his voice calm.

"Hi Hagrid..." He said, taking a few steps towards the half giant. "How are you?"

"Been better."

"How is she?"

"Ask _him_. He'd know, he put her there."

"James cursed that necklace and put it there so Lily would find it? Doesn't sound like him..." Sirius said coolly.

"No but his fault she was there! Treating her like she was a marauder. She's not your school chum she's your student! And you were completely irresponsible!" He bellowed at James.

"Excuse me, Hagrid." Sirius said, getting annoyed at the half giant berating his already downtrodden friend. "But didn't you always take her into the forest? Didn't you _leave_ her there alone with a wounded unicorn while you went off somewhere else? What if she had been attacked then, when you _knew_ death eaters were around? It was just lucky she wasn't. Don't you think _that _was a bit irresponsible?"

"She... she told me..."

"Yes, because she is a big girl who can make her own decisions. James didn't force her into the lake and I'm sure you didn't drag her kicking and screaming into the forest... so let it go. Hating James isn't going to bring Lily back. It's not what she would want, and it's not what anyone needs. This would be easier if you could be there for each other, instead of making yourselves even more upset then you already are."

And with that he left the room. He wasn't going to get anymore involved with this situation. He had spoken to the girl one time in the mirror, and James talked about her enough, but she meant nothing to him personally, and waiting around for her to come around wouldn't be doing anybody any good. Let the people who cared about her wait...

Still, she got Hagrid and James to fight... "Must be one hell of a girl..." Sirius muttered as he strode out into the frosty London night.

Back in the waiting room Potter and Hagrid were silent; Sirius's words still hanging in the air long after the man himself was gone...

Hagrid cleared his throat and took a step toward Potter, who wiped his eyes one more time and held out his hand. Hagrid grasped it tighly and shook it, his hand moist with tears as well.

Minerva McGonagall walked in the room, with 7th year Rupert Ferris.

"I've brought Miss Evans's best friend. I thought he might want to... see her... before..."

"Is she..." He didn't finish the question, afraid of what the answer might be.

"Dumbledore is with her now, he can explain..." She hiccupped and covered her mouth with a white handkerchief before she left the room all together, unsuccessfully suppressing a sob. The sight of two weepy professors had unnerved him, and he stepped into Lily's room nervously, James and Hagrid followed a minute later after Dumbledore had had the time to explain the situation.

Rupert began to leak from the eyes as well, but he did his best to be brave. Dumbledore seemed to be the only one who didn't cry, but he was obviously deeply distressed and very gloomy. His students meant everything to him, and it was indeed a heavy blow to lose the one for whom he had the highest hopes.

"Lils?" Ferris said as he approached her bed, Dumbledore, Potter and Hagrid looking on. "Lils, I don't know if you can hear me, but if you are in there, hold on. Don't go, don't leave. If you leave then who will help me with transfiguration homework, who will I have chocolate frog races with? Who will laugh at my dirty jokes? Or cover up for me if I've cheated on my girlfriend? Who will go along with my crazy dares? Or back me up in a fight? Not that you ever really needed to... people see you standing behind me and they give up immediately.

"You've got too much to stay for. Hogwarts needs you. Hands down, the most beautiful head girl in all my 7 years here. You have an adoring public to think of. And you have me. You were the first girl I ever kissed. And I'll never forgive you if you... if you..." It sounded to James as if the boy's throat had closed up. His face scrunched up against the tears. Dumbledore and Hagrid left the room, but James stayed, waiting for the boy to finish, but it appeared as if he had run out of words.

He grabbed a chair and pulled it up on the opposite side of her bed and Ferris got up and walked away.

"Listen to him, Lily. Wake up... wake up!" He said furiously. "I can't be responsible for ruining you again. Come on, pull through, surprise me like last time. You just have to wake up, call me a wanker, and then we can go back to the castle. You have to wake up and forgive me... _**please**_."

She didn't stir. She lay motionless as ever.

"Stubborn gel! You never do what's good for you! Why do you always have to make things so difficult on yourself! Think of Hagrid, he won't be able to handle your dying... Come on Lily... 50 points to Gryffindor if you come back...

"I know you can hear me, I know you can! Will you let Mercury become an orphan again? Who will talk to the centaurs next time? Like you said, if not you, then who? There is no one else that can do the things you do, and I won't be able to live with myself knowing it was my fault."

"What did you do?" Rupert asked from behind him. James turned around to the boy looking him square in the face. Had he been there the whole time? Had he heard the whole thing? James realised that he didn't care. It seemed utterly unimportant compared with coaxing Lily back to life.

"What did Dumbledore tell you?"

"That she was badly cursed. _You_ didn't do that did you? Surely you couldn't have... I mean..." He said, taking a seat in a chair across from him on the other side of the bed, so that the sleeping girl was between them.

"No." James said looking back to Lily, taking her hand in his, stroking it with his thumb. "After class today, Evans came with me to help me capture grindylows in the lake for my third year lesson. She found a cursed necklace along the bottom. I managed to get her heart and lungs pumping again, but the necklace seems to have taken a bit of her mind with it, and the lake water was so cold, and she had so much of it in her lungs that she's become... well... this." He said, gesturing the body on the bed.

"Why was she even going with you to get them? What was she even down there?" James didn't miss the accusatory tone, nor were the boys shining tear filled eyes lost on him.

"It never occurred to me _not _to ask her. She's just always there. She practices with me, collected boggarts with me, invented a whole new spell for me, keeps me company while I grade papers... hell, she's even graded papers _for_ me."

"Why?"

"Because..." Yes, because _what_? "After that the first detention I gave her for messing with Filch's office... I dunno, it sort of became habit. She was always willing to help and ready for a challenge and I never seemed to run out of things I wanted to teach her." He heaved a sigh and looked at Rupert and added softly, "She is also a friend... And I probably learn just as much from her as she does from me." He turned to the unconscious Lily. "You still have a lot to learn so you better come back."

He stood to go, and Rupert rose to follow him. "Let's go get some coffee." The student suggested. Potter nodded. They would both be staying up for a long time...

She lay on her bed, eyes closed. She wanted to open them but she couldn't. She could hear Hagrid's voice, and the boy James's, and other people. Images whirled in her head for hours. Hagrid and the boy James were in them. Hospital room, Hagrid's house, a lake, boy James breathing in her, a necklace. Pain. Terrible pain. Unendurable excruciating pain! She wished she had left that necklace where she had found it in the lake. She should have just taken the grindylow when she caught it and joined the boy James topside. She duelled him. She had turned the boy James's hair blue. The boy James slept on her couch, had been worried about her. He had been there when she fed Mercury at Hagrid's, he taught her to conjure a patronus; he was at the Order meeting. The boy James had helped her when she had been attacked by a werewolf. The boy James and she went flying together...

And he was talking now. He and been talking for the past hour. The boy James had been calling her name and she couldn't open her eyes even lift a finger. She couldn't make a sound. Someone had to wake her up. The boy James needed to wake her up, she remembered everything now. She was Lily Evans. She was the Head Girl at Hogwarts. She had no more family but her foster family of Hagrid and Mercury.

She was drowning now in the darkness of her own body. 'Somebody help me up! Slap my face, do something. Peel my eyelids back! James, help! Come on, James, do it! Help! Do something! James! JAMES!!'

"_James_..." Her voice was weak, and her throat dry and crackly.

"Lily!" She heard his voice and his footsteps approach the bed. He was right beside her now. She just wanted to open her eyes. She wanted to see him.

"James... I remember. The grindylows..."

"From the lake?"

"Well... they certainly... didn't come... from the toilet..." She croaked.

"Thank Merlin, she's back!"

There were mutterings in the room and she heard the sound of a door closing.

"Who's here?"

"Erm... Hagrid, Dumbledore, and Rupert. You remember Dumbledore and Rupert?" He asked as if he were talking to a small child.

"Do you remember when I told you to stop being a prat?"

"Yes! That's the Lily we know and love!" Came Rupert's voice.

"Roo!"

"Lils!" He said, this time his voice was closer and she felt him grab her hand.

"Rooey, do me a favour?"

"Anything."

"Slap me."

"What?"

"I have no strength, I can't even open my eyes. Speaking is exhausting..."

"Why am I slapping you?"

"To snap me out of it. To wake me up"

Lily waited for a few moments and then she felt the sting of a palm against her cheek. It certainly did liven up her body. But she still didn't have the energy to move herself. She was struck by an impulse, a ridiculous one that probably couldn't work, as weak as she was but she was going to try it anyway. Wandless magic...

'_Talentallegra_.' She thought, concentrated, prayed, even. Her legs did indeed started kicking around in her bed. _Finite incantatem_. She told herself again. Once again her legs were dead, unmovable.

"It didn't work, James. I used wandless magic to try to make myself dance and use my legs, but it's only like a puppet. I can't do anything on my own... Why am I so weak?"

"Rest, Lily. You've gotten your mind back; perhaps a bit of sleep will bring back your strength." James said.

"But I just managed to get out of the darkness to you. It took forever. I was screaming in my head at you all the whole time you were talking. I don't want to fall back into it again."

"Shh.. I will wake you up _personally_ in a few hours." He said, and even though she couldn't see his face she knew there was a wicked smile.

"Professor or not, you leave me laughing for anywhere _near_ 30 minutes and your hair is going pink instead of blue and it's never changing back..." He laughed heartily at that. Lily thought she felt her own lips twitch up at the sound.

"And James?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank you... for saving my life."

"That sounds so cheesy..."

"I learned from the best..." She said. "And Hagrid?" Lily heard his two heavy pounding footsteps as he approached her.

"Yeh?"

"See? I told you I wasn't going anywhere anytime soon..."

And with that she drifted off again.

"_She_ turned your hair blue?" Rupert asked after they went back outside.

"Yep." James replied, almost proudly.

"Why?"

"Oh, because I deserved it, I suppose... And don't tell anyone but I'm not 1/16th metamorphmagus either. Evans just turned it back nonverbally. Brilliant timing. I would have looked like a fool if she hadn't caught on, but she did. She always does..." He said unable to stop smiling. She was back, not out of danger but her mind was back.

"Professor Potter?" Came Dumbledore's strengthened voice.

"Yes, Professor?"

"I think it's time Mr. Ferris and I return to the castle. I need to inform Professor McGonagall of the good news. I take it you and Hagrid will be staying a bit longer?"

"Yes."

Dumbledore nodded "Now, Mr. Ferris..."

"Actually Professor," Rupert interrupted. "I was wondering if I might stay with her for a bit longer?"

"It is 4 in the morning; surely you would like to get some rest before class in the morning?"

"I'll be fine, sir. I'll leave in time for my first class. I'm of age now; I can apparate to Hogsmeade from the apparation bay on the ground floor."

"Very well, I'll have a carriage waiting for you then..." Dumbledore said, eyes twinkling. It always made his eyes twinkle with delight. It was the one thing he treasured seeing most in this world... love.

"Professor, I was wondering..."

"Yes James?"

"I was wondering if it would be alright to hire a substitute for today."

"You intend on staying with Miss Evans all day?

"I feel responsible sir. I couldn't in all good conscience lea..." Dumbledore held up his hand to stop Potter's speech.

"Of course, of course..." He said, eyes twinkling again. "In that case, I will leave you all now. If one of you would be so good as to send an owl with an update in the morning?"

"Of course, Professor." James replied.

Hagrid, Rupert and James sat in her room for hours, exchanging stories, most of them about Lily. James was certain that if the girl were awake she would be embarrassed to be the focus of attention...

"It seems like we aren't as close as we used to be, what with her not living in the tower anymore. I mean, I've talked to Alice about it, saying that we should hang out with Lily more, but she's always busy doing something... now she's taken to sitting with the Slytherins at meal times so I hardly ever get to see her. Any time she does have free she spends with you two apparently." Rupert said.

"Is it true that you dared her to..." James didn't dare use the words 'skinny dip', or 'naked' in front of Hagrid, so he simply said "dive to the bottom of the lake and find something interesting?"

"Yes I did."

"Hagrid, did you know there are merpeople in the lake?"

"O'course."

"I didn't know that until she told me. Apparently she was a big hit with the mermen." He said, cocking a knowing eyebrow to Rupert, who tried (and failed) to suppress a snort of laughter.

"What did you get her for her birthday Rupert?" Hagrid asked. "She said you gave her something nice..."

"Oh, it was nothing really. A chess set. A muggle chess set that I bought in a muggle shop with muggle money. She said wizard's chess is too distracting, but she loves the game, and I knew she didn't have a chess set in her room so..."

"So you're responsible for that ridiculous version! I think it's unbelievably annoying to have to move the pieces yourself! Who would want it?"

"Lily, apparently." Rupert replied smugly. "So what about you?"

"I got her... a book... of sorts."

"A book?"

"She liked it!"

"Sure she did..."

"Hey! Don't insult the book. She wanted to read it instead of playing chess when I suggested it!"

"That means she didn't feel like playing chess at the time, not that she liked the book better than the set!"

"Easy there! I'm sure she liked everything..." Hagrid placated. There was a knock at the door and Sirius Black strode in without his usual swagger.

"Wake me up again Prongs and I'll..."

"Hallo Sirius." Said the half giant before Sirius could finish the threat.

"Morning Hagrid." He yawned in response, forgetting to complete his threat. "How is she?" He said walking over to look at the girl.

"She's sleeping." James said.

"I can see that you prat, now answer the question."

"She's better."

"You said that when you mirrored, can I please just get some simple information? You, boy, how is she?"

"She regained consciousness a few hours ago, but was very weak. She remembers everything now but the healers say she isn't out of danger yet. She's resting to get back her strength."

"Thank you Mr..."

"Ferris. Rupert Ferris."

"Thank you, Ferris, Rupert Ferris. You have just demonstrated that you are less of an incompetent arse then my friend here."

"He's always cranky when he's tired." James whispered behind his hand in explanation to the other two.

"And how do you know Lily?" Sirius continued his line of questioning.

"She's my friend..." Rupert replied.

"Excellent, and now someone kindly tell me what the fuck I'm doing here..."

"Umm... why don't we go talk outside for a bit..." James suggested tentatively.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

"Liiiiiiiiiiiiily..." Said a soft voice. "Liiiiiily... wakey wakey!"

"James?"

"Damn, I was hoping you wouldn't wake up immediately so I could have used a more creative method to rouse you."

"Maybe next time."

"Can you open your eyes?"

Lily pried them open, and blinked heavily a few times.

"Yay! She's regained eyelid control!"

She removed her hand from under her blanket and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes.

"And right arm control!"

"Quit shouting."

"_And right arm control!"_ He whispered.

"That's better." She said sitting up in bed. "What time is it?"

"About 11 in the morning."

"What day?"

"Friday. 15 and a half hours from when we first jumped into the lake."

"Really? I feel like I've been slugabed for ages..."

"It felt like ages to us too. You made a rather miraculous recovery, but... they still won't let you leave yet."

"Anyone else here?"

"Rupert left a little over an hour ago to go to class, and Hagrid's gone to check on Mercury but he'll be back soon."

"Euh... I feel terrible..."

"You _look_ terrible."

"Thanks..."

"Can I get you anything? I can call a healer in, get some food or something?"

"No, I think I'm fine for now."

"Ok..." It was silent for a few moments. James was wringing his hands as he struggled with himself. After another few moments he couldn't take it anymore and blurted out, "Look, Lily, I'm sorry. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am..."

"For what?"

"For what?" James asked, looking at her as if she had gone simple again. "For you nearly dying!"

"_You_ didn't kill me, or even _try_ to kill me!"

"That's what Sirius said you'd say..."

"Sirius is a smart guy..."

"But I asked you to go in the lake..."

"If I hadn't broken the rules and gone swimming in the lake in the first place, you never would have asked me. So really... it's my own fault... I have a will of my own, James, and I do what I want." She was just an unlucky person... it was nobody's fault.

"So... you forgive me?"

"For what?"

"Just say you forgive me!"

"Alright I forgive you! Merlin, you're demanding..."

He sat there with her until the healers came in and asked him to leave. During that time they did several tests and asked her lots of questions, but also, thankfully, allowed her to go to the bathroom, eat, and with the aid of one of the nurses (not Gladys), shower and change into fresh pyjamas.

James came back in the moment he was allowed, and just sat there next to her like a loyal puppy...

"This time I _know_ you have better things to be doing. You don't have to sit here hour after hour. You have classes!"

"I've arranged for a substitute for today..."

"Who?"

"I contacted him this morning to sort everything out. He has lesson plan..."

"But who?"

"Just giving back and discussing essays, and more practicing, it's not that big of a deal..."

"WHO?" She nearly yelled. James swallowed hard.

"Sirius..."


	16. Professor Black and the Journey Back

"Good afternoon class! I am Sirius Black, and you will have the very great pleasure of having _me_ as your instructor for today." He said with his characteristic flip of the hair.

After the usual gasps, giggles and swoons (which he had been expecting) he carried on. "I will be handing back your essays and we will discuss them. As I understand it you had your practical assessment yesterday, and this is the written assessment. Together they make up your score for this section."

"Mr. Black?"

"Yes?" He turned to the girl who spoke and couldn't help but think she wasn't bad looking at all.

"Where is Professor Potter today?"

"What's your name, love?" He asked, not answering her question.

"Victoria White"

"White and Black, seems that we would go together _nicely_." He said in his most velvety of voices. Some of the class chuckled and Victoria nearly melted on the spot. 'Oops,' Sirius thought wickedly. And here I promised Prongs I'd be good. Oh well.'

"Professor Potter couldn't make it because... he is... on an expedition in Mongolia trying to capture the elusive Crested Fargletoothed Ninkplat in hopes of finding a cure for..." He looked at the girl for inspiration, "stupidity."

"Really?" She asked, breathless and impressed.

"No. He's in London, actually. Anyway when I call out your name, come get your paper, because I can't be arsed with winding through desks to get to all of you. Blaise!" He said reading the name on the essay on the top of the stack. Miss Blaise got up to get her essay. "Meadowes! Are you any relation to Dorcas? No? Oh well. Ferris! Angleton! Evans!"

"Evans is ill today." Sirius looked up at Rupert Ferris. He gave the boy a covert nod and put Lily's essay at the bottom of the pile.

"White! Gerbumple! Andrews..." He continued until he had finished handing back the essays, Evans's the only one left in his hand. She had gotten an O, but James had written two 'W's on either side, so it read "W**O**W". Sirius cocked an eyebrow at it. His friend could be a real ham.

"Alright, who wants to read their essay to the class?" Sirius asked. The class looked terrified at the idea. Several students hid their essays and looked at their desks, refusing to look up at him. "No one? How can we have a discussion if no one is willing to speak?" Still no one offered. "Very well, since Miss Evans isn't here I will just read hers then, shall I?"

The class looked around at each other uncertainly.

"It will be fine, I don't imagine Lils would mind, do you Rupert?..."

Roo shrugged. "Doubt it." He replied. The class seemed slightly shocked at this seeming familiarity but Sirius didn't stop to give time for speculation.

"See? Alright, here we go." He cleared his throat and read. "Nonverbal defence in its most basic principles can be broken down into mental, emotional, and tactical preparation..." He read for a while before he stopped and shouted at random.

"Mr. Hornby!"

"Yes sir?"

"What does Evans mean when she says that 'tactical manoeuvres essentially require one of the emotional platforms, either invocation or evocation...'?"

"Uh..."

"Good try but no. It means...that Words. Are. Emotive." He said in a staccato. "Did you ever stop to think about what you are saying when you cast a spell? Did you ever wonder why we use the words we use to cast spells? Because they create in us the emotional base that allows us to do magic. It brings it out; this is what magic is all about. You can hear and feel the difference between _Wingardium_ _Leviosa_ and _Crucio_, can't you? Those words stir different feelings within you, yes?"

The class nodded in agreement.

"Now, without using the words to _evoke_ the magic, you have to prepare within yourself that state of being. Using your own sense of self, magic, emotion to _invoke_ them, instead of relying on the words to do it for you. Does everyone understand? Yes? Good, moving on..." He read another paragraph. "What did she mean there, Mr..." He craned his neck to see the students name on the essay, "Wood."

"She said that nonverbal evocation may be effective but it is inefficient."

"Exactly! How is it inefficient?"

"I... I don't know."

"Alright, well think about it, what does she mean by nonverbal evocation? Anyone?"

No one answered.

"Alright how many of you when performing a nonverbal spell, concentrate hard on the words of the spell in your head... basically yelling the incantation in your mind so you can get it out your wand?"

Most of the class raised their hand.

"Alright, what she is saying here is how are you supposed to be able to think of anything else if your brain is fully occupied with mentally yelling a spell? If you were in a duel, how could you concentrate on attacking if you are too busy defending? Or how can you defend if you are too busy attacking?"

"You can't, that's why everyone just says it aloud." Said Wood.

"That is true," Sirius admitted. "Most witches and wizards do. While nonverbal magic has its uses, mostly it is a tool to enhance yourself. If you can do nonverbal magic then you have found the higher ground, so to speak. It opens up the gateways to perform complex spells that are difficult even if you do use the oral incantation. I'm sure you've been told of those higher level spells that people say you really have to _mean_ it in order to do it, or you really have to be a powerful witch or wizard? That's what this is about.This isn't potions where if you use the exact ingredients and do exactly as it says that you will get it right, this is about guts, feeling, intuition, _knowing_ the _essence_ of magic and using it within you... which I do believe was Miss Evans conclusion." He said, then reread the final paragraph.

"Does everyone understand? Any questions? Comments? Anything to add?"

One student raised his hand.

"Yes, you with the... hair." He said pointing to the boy with his hand raised.

The lad looked a bit confused but spoke anyway. "Yesterday in class, Professor Potter and Evans had a duel."

"Did they now?" Sirius asked interestedly.

"You should have seen it too it was amazing!" One boy interjected enthusiastically. "No words were said but spells were shooting out everywhere, the desk went flying, papers went everywhere, they both got hit a few times I think...""Yeah!" Another continued. "Evans was bleeding and remember Professor doubled over in pain? Oh! And then he was flung through the air!"

"Interesting..." Sirius said, then remembering what James had said about their _last_ duel asked, "How did it end?"

"Lily won, she got him with a really easy spell too..." An easy spell? Then it certainly wasn't the same one she had used last time. Pity...

"Which one?"

"Rictasempra. Professor Potter was too busy laughing to continue. She wouldn't take it off until he admitted defeat."

Sirius was absolutely beaming, and only partly by imagining him being held under rictasempra against his will like James had done to him in 5th year.

He had to hand it to the girl, she had style. After reading her essay he had been thoroughly impressed, it was true, but if he had to judge her by her essay alone he would have thought he was some stick in the mud Ravenclaw. But the girl had an undeniable sense of humour and a wicked sense of uncontrolled creativity that Sirius found completely enticing. Prongs certainly had found himself a good one.

"I'm sorry, what was your question?" He asked the boy with the hair.

"I understand it for the most part I think, but they defended themselves without hearing what spell was being used. How did they know?"

"Well, she does mention that in the third paragraph a bit, speaking about physical tells, like wrist and wand movements that are indicators. But like she said, it's all about the intrinsic resistance... meaning that once you are on that level, you just _know_, because you aren't thinking of spells in terms of _words_..."

"How common is that?"

"Is what?"

"How often do wizards and witches, I mean... well... how many people can actually _do_ all that?"

"Well, I'd say most wizards and witches can nonverbally cast your average household spell. But in general nonverbal magic is very difficult, and you should be proud of yourselves, seeing as every one of you passed the practical exam yesterday. But to have a duel like that where both participants are fighting silently, I'd say is a pretty rare event. I'd say that this..._Miss Evans_ here," he said glancing to the essay again "is a force to be reckoned with." It seemed that Lily had a very firm grasp on magic, so much so that she could even do it without a wand. James had mentioned that she could. After reading that essay he wasn't surprised. She just _got_ magic.

"Now I'm going to give you a moment to read over your own essays. If you have any questions, come up to me and ask. If not, I want you to find a partner and try nonverbal defence again, keeping all this in mind..."

Everyone took out their essays long enough to look at the grade, but most of them wanted to start practicing again immediately, having been inspired by Sirius's animated lesson...

They paired up as Sirius took his seat at the front of the classroom and watched them go. He couldn't be sure, because he had never seen them at it before, but he thought that there was an improvement in every single one of them. He sat back, admiring what a success his lesson had been. And to think Prongs had been nervous! Ha! He had behaved almost entirely properly. He was a master. Pity the world couldn't get past his good looks to appreciate the genius within...

At the end of class Rupert approached him along with several other students, most of them females.

"Sirius Black, you looked amazing in last month's Witch Weekly." One girl gushed.

"Great lesson Black." Rupert said, and the girl behind him said, "Yeah, absolutely brilliant."

"Thank Lily, not me," he said to the kid, then turned back to Rupert. "How is she?"

"Still sleeping when I left this morning around 9."

"What? What's wrong with her?" Another student asked.

"She has pneumonia." Sirius replied simply, cutting off Rupert. Neither Lily nor James would want the world to know about the little discovery in the lake, or why she was in the lake to begin with.

"You know Lily?" One of the girls asked him.

"We're shagging." He replied automatically. With Sirius, this response was not only habit, but also almost always true. It wasn't this time, but he had decided that he would take the more appealing and (for the first time) the _lesser_ of two evils. He couldn't bloody well say that his best mate, their Professor, was trying to get into the Head Girl's pants, so the only respectable option left to him was to say that _he_, Sirius Black was. Getting in her pants, that is...

This reply brought about a bunch of excited chatter and gossip and girls giggled. He waved them away and left the room for their next class. Only Rupert remained, glaring angrily at him.

"She's not going to like you lying like that..."

"_Lying_?" Sirius asked, trying to sound confused. Ok yes, perhaps he _was_ a bit evil... he was a Black after all...

"You and Lily..." He trailed off questioningly.

"Was I at the hospital or not?"

"Yes but, I thought that was because Professor Potter..."

"Hang Professor Potter, he doesn't even know. And I was there before you arrived."

"You were leaving just as McGonagall was leading me in!" He remembered.

"See?"

"But that doesn't prove anything..."

"Look, my favourite drink is a Dogbite. I bet you 100 galleons that if you asked her what my favourite drink is she would be able to tell you..." Then Sirius lowered his voice secretively and went on, "And she wakes up at even the smallest sound in the middle of the night. She is a _very_ light sleeper..."

The implication was obvious, and for a moment Rupert just stood there with his mouth open.

"I... still don't believe you." Rupert said, not sure if he believed himself as he said it.

"That's the great thing. You don't have to because I'll probably never see you again. Goodbye Ferris, Rupert Ferris." Sirius said waving him away.

The boy walked off looking confused and Sirius chuckled to himself.

Indeed, he was a wicked man. And what was more Prongs was going to hate it, which, of course, was why he had done it.

xxxx

That evening Sirius was walking back into St. Mungo's with a bouquet in his hand. Giving her flowers was the least he could do for her after she and her essay saved his ass in that lesson today. And giving people sick flowers was just the polite thing to do; not that he ever bothered doing the polite thing...

He knocked on her door and walked in. Lily was asleep and Rupert Ferris was sitting in a chair next to her. Merlin this was brilliant, it couldn't have gone better if he planned it.

"Hello Ferris, Rupert Ferris. It appears as if I was mistaken. We _do_ meet again."

"Good evening, Mr. Black." Rupert said coldly.

Sirius walked over to the bed and looked at the sleeping girl and wondered if Prongs had heard the rumour yet. He grinned wickedly at the thought. He smelled the flowers before putting them on the stand next to her, and deciding he might as well make a show of it, lovingly brushed a bit of hair away from her face.

"How long has she been asleep?" He asked making sure his voice dripped with tender concern.

"I don't know she was asleep when I got here..."

"Well I won't wake her then. No need to tell her I was here..." She'd know anyway...

"Lilies and petunias..." Rupert said softly.

"Yeah..."

"So I guess you really are... I mean... well... if she's actually talked to you about her sister... I mean... she never talks about Petunia to _anyone_. I guess you really _must_ be..."

So her sister's name was Petunia, eh? Sirius congratulated himself on his own good luck. Well that explains it, now his gift seemed even more meaningful. Again, couldn't have gone better if he had planned it himself. He leaned over her and gave her forehead a kiss before he gave the boy a half smile.

"I'll see you later, Ferris, Rupert Ferris." And like that he was out the door.

James arrived 10 minutes after Sirius left.

"Wake up Evans! Work to do!" He shouted cheerfully as he entered. "Oh, hey Ferris." He added considerably _less_ cheerfully.

"Professor Potter." He said as Lily stirred.

"What's all this?" She asked blearily.

"Work work work!"

"What work? I'm an invalid...I need peace and quiet and rest and relaxation!"

"You can work and relax at the same time"

"No you can't... working is the exact opposte of relaxing... and I'm not doing any work while I'm sick."

"You did on Sunday..."

"That doesn't count..."

"Why not?" He asked. She didn't answer the question because she just noticed the bouquet on the bedside table. Lilies and petunias. Why Sirius had sent her flowers she didn't know, it couldn't be out of mere politeness... there must be an ulterior motive, message, or meaning there.

"Who sent you those?" James asked.

"It doesn't say." She said truthfully. "Could you do me a favour though before we get to work?"

"Anything at all."

"Could you perhaps find me parchment, quill and an owl?"

"What?"

"Please?"

"Fine, fine, but only because I nearly killed you. Once I bring you your things we are square."

"Deal." She said laughingly. James left the room in search of the items.

"You really don't know who sent them?" Rupert asked once their professor had gone.

"No, I do."

"Who?"

"Sirius Black."

"Why didn't you say that then?"

Lily shrugged. She didn't want to have to admit to Potter she had rifled through his pockets while he slept... it wouldn't exactly reflect well on her character.

"You know he was our substitute teacher today in Defence Against the Dark Arts..."

"I know. How did that go?"

"Really well, actually. He read your essay aloud in class, and translated it so the rest of us could understand it, and then we practiced again. It was... well... brilliant. I knew you were smart but I didn't know you were_ that_ smart."

"He read my essay aloud?"

"He said he doubted you'd mind."

"I don't really... If I had been there I might have."

"He also said... after class..."

"What? What did he say?" Lily asked nervously.

"He said that... that if I asked you what he favourite drink was, you would be able to tell me." It wasn't want he had meant to say, but it was the only thing he could manage to get out.

Lily laughed... was that all? Here she had been worried that he had made some kind of sly remark about...well... drooling on cushions or something.

"Dogbite." She said, just before Potter came back in. His entry distracted her from noticing the disbelieving look on Rupert's face.

"Here you are, my dear. Everything you could possibly want before you help me grade papers..."

"Did it occur to you to bring _my_ homework? So _you_ could help _me_ for once?"

"No, it didn't surprisingly enough."

"_I'm_ not surprised."

"Why should you be? Why would I want to help _you_?"

"I don't know why I even bother anymore... Ok, well, I'm just going to write this letter first... Do you think you could get be a glass of water? My throat's dry..."

"Certainly... Anthing I can do to help." Lily rolled her eyes as James left once again.

Quickly, she wrote a short note.

_Thanks for the flowers. _

_L_

She attached it to the owl's leg and asked Rupert to let it out the window which he did.

"Water for the lady..." James said upon his return.

"Thank you. Now what am I correcting."

"Second year."

20 minutes later after Rupert had left the same owl Lily had used to send Sirius's note was pecking at the window. She wasn't even expecting a response, let alone this soon. Sirius must live in London. To James's protests, Lily got up and opened the window.

"Get back in bed!"

"Hush you." She said. She left the window open and brought the bird back to her bed. The note was almost as short as the one she had sent.

_Don't thank me just yet. You are going to hate me when you get back to the castle..._

_SB_

Not even bothering to get a fresh sheet of parchment she wrote beneath that...

_Why would that be exactly?_

_L_

_Because by the time you get back, everyone will think we are shagging._

_SB_

_But we aren't shagging._

_L_

_Of course __**I**__ know that dear, but they don't, now do they?_

_SB_

After this last message Lily didn't know if she wanted to laugh or... laugh... The idea was absolutely ludicrous. That's just what she needed, she thought. A whole bunch of people hassling her about her non existent love affair with a man she had never met. Well, it was better than people knowing about the lake. Such a dark cursed item like that on campus would start a panic and make people worry. If people were going to gossip, she'd rather it be about sex than the dark arts...

_Thank you Sirius Black, for spicing up my life. I was just thinking how dull it is at the moment. Now I have something to look forward to... I'll let you know how it goes._

_L_

After she sent the poor bird off again she shut the window. By that time the room was freezing from having kept the window open. She stood there, looking out the window into the dark night.

"Get back in bed this instant."

"But I've been in bed for ages." She whined, obeying anyway.

"You needed it, and still do. I bet it had been days since you've had a proper night's sleep..."

"That's true... ever since I...oh my goodness Mercury! How is he? How is he eating? Is he alright?"

"He's fine. Hagrid said that once you left him last night he started nibbling on some grass. I think he will rough it on adult food until you get back..."

"He's... eating..." She said, sniffling a bit.

"Lily... he's almost grown anyway... and this is just the weaning stage... it'll be another week or two before he's really ready to eat only adult food.

"Yes... you're right. I just feel so... irresponsible for leaving him."

"It's not your fault."

"Still, I let him down."

"He understands I'm sure. Now hurry up and get better so you can see him again."

There was a knock at the door and Lily quickly handed back the pile of papers to James. She didn't want Dumbledore walking in to find her grading Potter's papers for him. But it only turned out to be a nurse.

"How are you feeling?" She asked. Lily thought that nurses were probably the only people in the world who actually wanted an honest answer when they asked that question...

"I'm feeling great!" Lily said. "Can I leave yet?"

"I don't think so, love. They'll want to keep you over night just to make sure..."

"Could you call in a healer please?" She asked politely.

"If you insist..." She said, leaving the room.

"What are you doing?" James asked suspiciously.

"Getting out of here."

"Miss Evans?" Said a wizard in long white robes.

"Yes, I would like to be discharged, please."

"I'm sorry, but we need to keep you for at least another night or two to monitor your condition."

"There is a perfectly adequate hospital wing at Hogwarts with a more than capable healer. I really need to return to school, sir. I will of course be willing to consider any advice you and Madame Pomfrey have, but I can't see how I'm any better off here than at home."

"I know Poppy very well..." He said. "I suppose I could turn you over to the Hogwarts Hospital Wing. I'll write a note for you to give to her." He said. Lily beamed. "And I'll need you to sign some release forms. I'll have the nurse bring them in."

"Thank you!" She said as he left the room.

"What... what..." James shook his head in confusion. "What?" What just happened here? How on earth did she just manage that?

"I hate hospitals." Lily replied. "And I want to see Mercury and I want to go home."

"You do know that you won't leave the hospital wing until Madame Pomfrey says you are 100 percent healed..."

"We'll see..."

Once they had left the hospital (James unnecessarily trying to half carry her the whole way) they had another row at the apparition bay.

"You are too weak to apparate you'll end up splinching yourself!"

"I will not! Physical weakness has absolutely nothing to do with my magical strength... or are you forgetting I used a dancing spell when I didn't even have the strength to lift a wand!"

"I... I'd just feel better if you didn't... For now, just humour me. If Hagrid learned you'd splinched yourself on my watch, I'm not even kidding, I wouldn't need to splinch myself to lose my arms... he would rip then out of their sockets himself... Please? I don't want to lose my arms..."

"Fine. So what's the plan?"

James raised his wand arm. A moment later a huge triple-decker violently purple bus screeched to a halt in front of them.

"Welcome to the Knight bus, the..."

"Yes yes, thank you." He said cutting the man off. "2 to Hogsmeade please..."

The conductor looked at James askance. "Would you like a toothbrush? Hot water bottle? Hot chocolate?"

James looked at Lily. "No thanks."

"No, thank you..." He told the man.

James jumped on first and held out his arm to steady Lily as she climbed up the steps. He placed her in the first one in the row of the beds before he went back to pay the conductor.

"She alright?" He asked.

"Pneumonia."

"That doesn't sound too good, does it?"

"No..." James said impatiently while he waited for his change.

"I had an uncle wot got the Gumpletorn's disease... His arms turned green before they fell right off..."

"That's... tragic. My best wishes to your uncle." James said taking the change and bolting back to Lily.

"Have you ever heard of Gumpletorn's disease?" He asked.

"Where your arms turn green and fall off?"

"You overheard then?"

"Every unfortunate word."

"Oh well, you lie back and get comfortable, it's a long way to Scotland."

Lily didn't know how she was supposed to get comfortable with the bus jolting around at mad intervals, but she tried her best. She crawled under the covers and actually began to doze when the bus swerved violently. With a small yelp Lily slid right out from under her covers and onto the floor in an inelegant heap.

"Dragon's breath, Evans, I told you to keep you still!"

"It's not my fault the bus is so... erratic."

"You are the erratic one. Do you see anyone else on the floor?"

She looked around... "No."

"There. Now get up..." He said lifting her off the floor, "and get back in bed. Do I have to sit on you?"

"No..." She said like a reprimanded child.

"Good, now no more of this flying out of bed business."

"Yes sir..." She said crawling back in.

"Good." He eyed her warily, as if she were about to make another break for the floor.

"James?"

"What?"

"Where's my wand?"

"It's still at Hagrid's I'd imagine. Along with your robes and the grindylows..."

"What exactly happened? I remember... bits. I remember finding the necklace and wanting to die. Then the next thing I remember was the feel of your...erm.. that is, you breathing for me. And then, waking up at Hagrid's. Then I blacked out again when they were taking me away..."

"You caught the first grindylow, and I went to but the cage away. When I came back down, I found you unconscious. I dragged you back onto the land you weren't breathing and your heart wasn't beating..."

"I... died?"

"I was terrified you had... I started hammering on your chest trying to get your heart to beat again, and I tried to get air in your lungs, but I could feel by the way they inflated that they were full of water. I wailed away for what seemed like ages, breathing and beating, breathing and beating until you came back..." Lily was transfixed. Hearing the story like that made it sound much... sadder than it had been for her. She didn't know it had been that bad or that he had brought her back to life...

"James..." She said, eyes sparkling with unshed tears.

The bus swerved again and Lily was halfway back to her place on the floor when James caught her.

"What did I tell you about getting out of bed?" He said sternly, but not nearly as sternly as he had before.

"Sorry..." She said as she allowed herself to be placed back in under her covers. James didn't go back to his own bed but sat down beside her.

"Perhaps now you won't fall out..." He said as he leaned back, resting against the uncomfortable looking headboard... well... head _bars._ He grabbed the pillow from his own bed and put it behind him to make it softer.

"And then?" She asked. She was like a child, a wide eyed subdued child, willing to do anything their parent tells them to.

"You started shaking... Your skin was so icy I thought it was from the cold but then you started... I don't know... writhing I suppose. You looked like you were in excruciating pain..."

"I was... that necklace didn't want me to breathe, it tried to make me choke on every breath, I felt like my heart and lungs were inside out and my throat and bronchial tubes were twisted and mashed..." Lily said, remembering the pain. She shook her head; she didn't want to think about it... "And then?"

"And then you started coughing and vomiting up frightening amounts of water, still trembling violently. Then you threw the necklace away, telling me not to touch it, it was cursed. You passed out again. For a moment I thought you had... well... _gone_ again, but it was so cold outside I could see your breath, so I knew you were still alive. I ran with you to Hagrid's and he immediately wrapped you up, and set you up with a hot water bottle. I told him, after he yelled at me, that you had been cursed and he went to go get the headmaster. It seemed like ages we were in his hut alone, you were still fighting to breathe and I was afraid you'd give up... When Hagrid came back with Dumbledore and Madame Pomfrey I told them what happened. Dumbledore mumbled several spells on you, but I couldn't what they did or if they were any help. Nothing changed, anyway. He and I went out to find where you had thrown the necklace while Hagrid and Madame Pomfrey stayed with you. I found the necklace and Dumbledore created a chest from the earth and tried to banish the necklace inside, but it didn't move. No magic seemed to work on it so I grabbed a stick and looped it through the chain and slid it in.

"You seemed to rouse when we got back. You sat up and started petting Mercury, who had dashed to your bedside the moment Hagrid left. But you didn't speak, you just had a dazed look on your face as if you'd been confunded or obliviated...

"When Madame Pomfrey tried to take you, you said no. And for a moment we all thought that you had come around, that you were going to say you were fine... but you didn't. You just kept staring blankly, petting Mercury... When it was clear that you didn't remember or recognize anyone but Hagrid we knew you had to be sent to St. Mungo's straight away, but your cried and screamed and didn't want to be separated from Mercury. You started shaking again, perhaps from the effort of struggling or perhaps from pain, but you passed out and Dumbledore took you to St. Mungo's and Hagrid and I followed. Madame Pomfey went to tell Minerva.

"They said there was nothing they could do about it... it being such strong dark curse... except wait for you to wake up. They tried waking you up, and you were awake for a few minutes, but you didn't speak. You sat there as if you had no idea you were even alive. You came around when Hagrid and I were there, but you were so pale and trembling... you didn't make it through a conversation before passing out. After that not even the healers could rouse you. They said that apart from your mind being rattled from the curse, you had had fluids still in your lungs that made it more and more difficult for you to breathe, even after they removed the water. They said that you didn't seem to want to breathe anymore... and that it was probably that curse still lingering on you. Dumbledore examined it. He said it was supposed to torture the wearer to death... or torture the wearer until they wanted to die...

"The healers told us you might not wake up, so McGonagall brought Rupert to see you. He said some beautiful things, then everyone left but Rupert and I, and I scolded you, pleaded and begged, tried to coax you back by offering 50 points to Gryffindor if you lived, but you didn't budge, didn't move, your breaths just got slower and slower.

"Several hours later the healers all brought us in and talked to us for a while. They told us it was time to say goodbye and left the four of us in the room with you. No one said anything... not aloud. And then... your sister came in..."

"Petunia?" Lily gasped, choking on tears.

"She had been notified and had come to see you one last time. She was walking towards your bed when you called my name. When she heard you continue talking she turned and walked right out again..."

"Petunia..."

"I'm sorry, should I not have told you?"

"No, I'm glad you did..." Lily said in between shuddering breaths. She began coughing, loud painful coughs as her body racked with sobs. It wasn't just Petunia, it was everything. The whole story, the way he told it. She hadn't known she had been that close to death. She only remembered fighting against the darkness, trying to get back up to her body. She had been screaming for James to help her...

"Lily? Lily?" He said worriedly. "I _knew_ this was a bad idea!"

"No..." She said, regaining her breath. "I'm fine it's just..." She fought to keep her breathing steady, but she couldn't stop her eyes from leaking.

"Shh..." He said, patting her head, guiding it over to him. She turned to him and continued to weep silently into his rib cage, wetting his shirt with her tears.

The knight bus swerved and Lily would have rolled right over Potter onto the floor again had he not caught her around the middle with one big arm. Lily was so stunned she stopped crying. She just that there, sniffed, and blinked.

"And then... " He continued more softly, gently tucking her in again. "You went back to sleep."

"You told me to."

"I know. And then you went back to sleep, like I told you to. The healer came back and examined you again. We told them what had happened. They said that you were just sleeping and no longer unconscious, which was a remarkable improvement, but you were still very ill and still in danger.

"Then you woke up this morning, and I'm sure you remember everything from there."

"I do..."

"And Lily?"

"Hmm?"

"I've been meaning to thank you..."

"For what?"

"For not dying..." He said, and for the second time he pulled her closer into him and held her. It was the same relieved, 'I'm glad you're not dead' hug from before. But it was just as warm and comforting. As she drifted off to sleep she wondered if she would ever get a different kind of hug from him... then morbidly, wondered if she'd get this one again...


	17. Which is Long and Mostly Uneventful

"We don't have to get a carriage; we can walk to the castle."

"Nooooo way. This night air is far too cold for you."

"You sound like my grandmother..."

"Well your grandmother sounds like a very sensible woman..."

"We are waiting in the cold night air now... by the time a carriage arrives we could have walked there."

"You are right." He said, and started walking.

"Uh, James? The castle is _this_ way." She said pointing in the opposite direction.

"I know that. We are going to the 3 Broomsticks, to wait where it's warm." He said, sending a patronus to the castle as they entered the pub.

Inside, James began flirting with Madame Rosmerta, a young pretty thing, probably the same age as he was. It was obviously very practiced and ritualized flirting, as if they had this same conversation every time he came in. Lily half forced a grin, the other half came naturally. Rosmerta finally noticed Lily's presence.

"Who's this now?" She asked playfully.

"This is my student Miss Evans. I'm taking her back to the Hogwarts from St. Mungo's."

"Then shouldn't you go back to the castle instead of staying here talking to me?" She said, voice as coquettish as she could make it.

"I couldn't pass up a chance to see you, Rosy."

She giggled with pleasure.

"Actually, we are waiting for a carriage in the warmth of your fine establishment. The night air isn't good for Miss Evans's lungs."

"Ooh, the poor dear." Rosmerta said with a bit of real sincerity, Lily thought. "Will you have something to drink, love?" She asked Lily. She looked to James questioningly.

"I think we might have time for _one_ drink..." He said. "Butterbeer?" Lily nodded in reply.

"Alright Rosy, 2 Butterbeers."

It was a Friday night and the place was packed, but they eventually were able to find seats in a back corner.

"_You_ are drinking a butterbeer?" Lily asked as they sat down at the small table.

"Why not?"

"Bit... childish, don't you think?"

"It's tasty, that's all that matters. I'm hardly looking to get pissed in the next 10 minutes, am I?"

Rosmerta came with their drinks. After she set them down she gave James's nose a playful tap with her finger before she left again.

"I feel a bit silly, drinking in a pub in just pyjamas and a cloak... thanks, by the way." She said, pulling James's cloak tighter around her.

"No problem. How do you like your butterbeer?"

"It's good.."

"Good..."

Why had the conversation turned so... awkward? She asked herself. It just seemed so... hesitant and unnatural.

"Look, James... I..." She did finish, his glowing smile stopped her mid sentence. "What?"

"I was just thinking, that might be the 10th time you've called me James..."

"What? Oh... um... sorry Professor."

"Don't apologise." He said laughing. "It was just an observation."

It then occurred to her that not only had she been calling him James all day, but he had also been calling her Lily. She grinned embarrassedly at the realisation.

They finished their drinks and they both got up to leave. James reached into his robes when he approached the bar.

"No, love. It's on the house." She said to him, and gave Lily a wink. Lily blinked, unsure why she had just been winked at, but James guided her out of the Three Broomsticks. A carriage was waiting there.

"Excellent. I sent a message along to Hagrid to have him send one along."

Lily, as usual, gave the Thestral closest to her a pat on the neck.

James's heart sank a bit. She could see them too... of course she could, she and her sister had seen their parents murdered right in front of them.

"In you go." He commanded gently, holding his hand out to support her as she got in. He clambered in after her and took his seat opposite her.

"Thank you." She said, resting her head on the side of the carriage.

"Lily? You alright? You look a little..."

"I just got really tired all of a sudden. I'm fine."

"Almost there..."

Lily was glad that the Hospital wing was on the ground floor, so she was saved the trouble of climbing any stairs.

"Miss Evans!" Madame Pomfrey exclaimed as she wrapped her robe around her. "What..."

"Miss Evans has been discharged from St. Mungo's on the condition that she submits to your care. Here is a letter from the head healer."

"This is most irregular."

"She wanted to return to the castle. And felt she would be more comfortable in your care at Hogwarts." He said as she began skimming the letter.

"Yes... yes... I must say... most remarkable... well then Miss Evans, come and lie down over here." She said. Lily was more than willing, she felt like she would pass out at any moment.

A minute later Madame Pomfrey was pouring some scalding liquid down her throat. She coughed and sputtered after she swallowed it, pulling a sour face. James laughed.

"Are you laughing at my pain?"

"No... I'm laughing at your face."

She cursed him wandlessly, so that his own face broke out in angry red splotches. She made sure they would itch and sting.

"Still want to laugh at _my_ face, Potter?"

James went to a window to check his reflection. Disgusted with himself and performed the counter curse. She was put out; she had been hoping he didn't know that one... but apparently he did.

Madame Pomfrey looked on at this little scene with slightly confused disapprobation. She then went on to describe everything she could and could not do; the _could not_ list being exponentially longer.

"I don't suppose I could go visit Hagrid?"

"Absolutely not." Potter and Pomfrey replied as one.

"You are not leaving this bed until Madame Pomfrey says you can." Then he added as an aside to the nurse, "You had better keep an eye on her, she's tricky."

"What do you mean by that?" Lily asked.

"It means you would sneak out of bed at the first opportunity if you thought you could. Remember, the deal was you could come back to Hogwarts so long as you completely submitted to Madame Pomfrey's ministration."

"I never promised. You tried to make me promise and I said 'we'll see...'."

"You see?" He said turning to Madame Pomfrey again, "Tricky..."

Lily made a sound that was half angry yowl, half sigh.

"Alright. I need to talk to Dumbledore. Goodnight, Lily. Don't..." He mentally ran through a dozen things he wanted her to not to do, but he couldn't choose one, nor did he want to spew out the entire list, because surely as soon as he said one thing, he'd think of another two... "Just... **don't**." He concluded, hoping that she would understand, but knowing that even if she did there was little chance she would heed it. He knew she wanted to see Mercury... and he wouldn't put it past her to cast a charm on Pomfrey to keep her asleep while she went off to visit him. James couldn't sit here and supervise her the whole time... he was tempted but he really had things to do... He sighed... He had half a mind to put her to sleep himself, or stupify her, or bind her to the bed, but he simply couldn't bring himself to do it...

Potter had been gone for about 15 minutes when she heard the hospital wing doors open. Hagrid walked in followed by...

"Mercury!" She shouted happily.

"An... an animal in the hospital wing?" Said Madame Pomfrey eyeing the youth uncertainly. No doubt she wanted to demand that it be taken out immediately, but the longer she looked at him the more mute she seemed to become. How can anyone object to a unicorn? Taking this for acquiescence both giant and unicorn came up to her bed.

"Brought this along too, thought you might be wanting it." Said Hagrid, handing her wand to her.

"Thank you, Hagrid, for coming... and also for bringing my wand and Mercury."

"Potter stopped by my place a few minutes ago and said you'd really want to see us so..."

Lily grinned inwardly, thanking James for his thoughtfulness. She couldn't see Mercury so he has sent Mercury to her...

Mercury, though rather tall by now, wasn't big enough to climb onto the bed with Lily, which is what he was obviously trying to do. Hagrid picked him up and placed him on top of Lily. The unicorn seemed displeased to have been so rudely touched by a man. But after a jab in the gut with his horn he forgave Hagrid, because now he was with Lily. She suspected that despite Hagrid's being a man, that the young one had grown a sort of soft spot for the half giant. Not _too_ soft, but softer than he would any other man...

"You are so big!" She told him. "Soon you will be too big for my lap..." He was too big for her lap now, she thought, but she was too happy to have him there to complain about her aching legs under Mercury's enormous weight. His hoofs jabbed painfully into her knees. Unicorns were not like cats or even dogs. They do _not_ curl up well in laps...In fact, by this time the unicorm was taking up more bed space than she way.

Hagrid placed his bottle on the table next to her and she grabbed it and began feeding him.

"I'm sorry boy, mummy's been sick. I won't ever let it happen again." She promised. Rupert walked in as she was cooing and showering affection onto the young beast and stopped the moment he walked through the doors, stunned. Well, it was a bit unusual, Lily supposed. Walking in to see your ill friend feeding an adolescent gold/silver unicorn in her sick bed...

"Roo! What are you doing here?"

"Professor Potter came into the Gryffindor common room to tell me you were back so I..."

"His name is Mercury." Lily said, knowing that Rupert was too confused at the unicorn's presence to continue. "He's mine."

"He's... yours?"

"His parents were killed and Lily and I found'em in the forest... and she's been takin care of 'em ever since..."

"Mercury, this is Rupert." She told him. The unicorn turned to look at the new comer, then turned his head away disdainfully, going back to his bottle.

"I suppose he doesn't take well to strangers..." Lily offered apologetically.

"Right..." He said, approaching slowly. "So... will you be able to come to classes Monday?"

"I don't know. I certainly hope so, but I have no idea what Madame Pomfrey would say."

"Best not overdue it Lily." Hagrid said. "If she says you should stay here then you should stay here."

"Yes, yes, I know, I know. Why does everyone keep telling me that?"

"Because we all know how strong minded you are."

Lily knew they had a point, so she didn't argue.

"That's probably why he sent you to me, to keep me from running off to see you."

"Would you have?"

"The thought _had_ occurred to me..."

xxx

Potter sat in Dumbledore's office, finally giving the headmaster the explanation he deserved. James had been sitting in the chair in front of Dumbledore's desk, feeling very much like a naughty student in serious trouble...

"As you may or may not know, Professor, it was Lily who rearranged Filch's files... Her detention was to help me prepare my lessons. That's why we were in the lake capturing grindylows..." He explained.

"I see..."

"I will accept any reprimands or punishments."

"Punishments?"

"For my irresponsible behaviour."

"I can't see that you've done anything wrong, James. You were doing exactly what I hired you to do... It was an excellent detention idea, and only bad luck that Miss Evans came across that necklace."

"Do you have any idea where it came from, sir? How long it had been there?"

"No... none."

"What I wouldn't give to find out who put it there..." He said through clenched teeth."

"Now now James, I'm sure that they had didn't mean to harm Miss Evans directly by planting it there. The fact that it was in the lake most likely signifies that someone knew the true nature of the necklace and tried his or her best to get rid of it, put it somewhere they thought no one could come across it." He consoled the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor.

"Yes, I suppose so..." He conceded. Dumbledore's eyes twinkled.

"I was thinking of giving the necklace to Miss Evans..."

"What?" James asked, shocked. "Why? Every time she saw it she would be reminded of that pain..."

"Sometimes it's good to be reminded of things."

"And handing a dark object over to a student, surely that's... that's... illegal. It should be taken to the ministry to be destroyed or kept locked away if it can't be annihilated. It's too dangerous to be kept around..."

"I have already sent it to the ministry it has been made perfectly safe. Miss Evans found it after all, I think she deserves to be able to keep it if she wants. It is a lovely piece..."

"Oh, well..."

"Perhaps in time she will come to associate it with something other than pain..."

James didn't like the idea at all. He wanted to blast it to bits, break the chain with his bare hands, pull it link from link, smash it with a sledgehammer and throw the bits back into the lake from whence they came.

Dumbledore pulled open his desk drawer and removed a jewellery box. He opened it for James to see the necklace. It was the first time James had had a look at it properly. It _was_ beautiful, probably worth a year's salary. Large dark red gemstone, James couldn't tell what kind, in silver and iron. A strange combination that somehow worked. The metal had obviously been recently polished. One single diamond hung below, dangling beneath the ornate metalwork.

"It would suit her very well..." He said, unaware that he had said it aloud.

"Yes, that's what I thought as well. I wonder if you would be so kind as to give it to her for me?"

"Of course, Professor." He said, taking the jewellery box from Dumbledore. He stared at it for another few moments before closing it and putting it in his pocket.

"Now, another thing before you go. Since Miss Evans clearly is not well enough, we need to arrange a replacement for her scheduled times at Uppingham house..."

"I'll do it." James offered immediately. Dumbledore chuckled.

"Thank you James, thank you, but I wonder how are you planning to do both yours and Miss Evan's shift on Sunday afternoon?"

"Oh... um... perhaps we may need to find another person for Sunday..."

"Yes, indeed, I will make enquiries. Oh, one more thing. This too is for Miss Evans, you might want to sign it. A get well card, from everyone in the Order..."

James opened it, sure enough, more than a dozen signatures were scrawled on both halves of the inside.

"May I borrow a quill?"

"Certainly." He said, holding an open hand before a large plume on his desk. James took it out gingerly dipped it in the ink pot beside it. He looked around for a space to put his name. There was ample room but he wanted to write it really big, so it would be the first thing she saw when she opened it.

_James Potter_

He scrawled towards the middle, slightly running into Fabian and Gideon Prewett's signatures.

"Quite the John Hancock..." The headmaster said amused.

"Who what?"

Dumbledore smiled and shook his head. "A famous signature in muggle history."

"Oh." James said distractedly as his admired his autograph. He was sure that was the nicest he had ever written it.

He went back down to the hospital wing. The moment he opened the door he heard an exasperated huff from Madame Pomfrey.

"It has past midnight. How can Miss Evans rest when people keep stomping in and out! Go on, out! Shoo!" She said to Hagrid and Rupert. Heads hung low they shuffled out, Lily muttering something to Mercury who reluctantly left with them. James gave them a nod as they passed and stepped in to meet the furious glare of Madame Pomfrey.

"It will only take a minute Madame, I've just come from Dumbledore. He wishes me to convey something to Miss Evans..." He said slowly and calmly, as if trying to convince an animal not to attack. The tactic seemed to work. The mention of Dumbledore wishes carried a lot of weight in this castle... and many other places too, he had no doubt.

"Very well. Be quick! Miss Evans and I _both_ need our rest..." She said huffily, before walking out of the room.

James waited for a few moments to make sure she was completely gone before he dared approach Lily's bed.

"Hi..." He said, strangely embarrassed. Perhaps it was the schoolboy in him after being scolded like that...

"Hi..."

"I... have something for you. 2 things, actually." He said, handing her the card first. She opened it and smiled, her gaze taking in all the names...

"Nice John Hancock."

"Dumbledore said that too, what is it?"

"Nothing... Muggle History, not your forte."

"Ah..."

"How kind of everyone... I haven't been a member for even a week, haven't even done anything and they do this for me..."

"I wouldn't say you haven't done anything. You gave us information on Chevalier..." He offered.

"That was little enough..."

"It has potential, anyway." He added helpfully. "And that's not all, there's something else..."

"What?"

"Um... this." He said, taking the box from his pocket and handing it to her. Confused, she opened it. Her expression changed from confusion to something James couldn't discern. "It's perfectly safe now!" He added quickly, mentally kicking himself for not having mentioned it sooner. "The ministry has returned it to you now that it's been disabled... finder's keepers..."

Silently she reached out a hand and removed it from its box. James was concerned to see that she trembled slightly. For a minute she just looked at it, taking in all the exquisite details even he had missed before.

"It's even more beautiful than I thought... Like a dragon's eye..."

"Is it a ruby?"

"A sapphire," She corrected softly, still transfixed "A red sapphire."

She unhooked the clasp and reached around to put it on. James hastily moved her hair out of the way, then took the necklace from her and fastened it for her himself. She touched it, the stone and metal cool against her skin. James pulled out the Sirius mirror he always carried and held it up to her for her to see her reflection.

"It suits you..." He said.

"It's gorgeous... What a waste!" She said.

"Waste?"

x

"A beautiful necklace like this that could never been worn or admired! Why would anyone curse something so lovely?" Lily said. She made a mental note to research cursed jewellery.

"Well, it's certainly not wasted anymore."

"I don't know when I will ever have the opportunity to wear such a fine thing though... I'd have nothing to wear it with." She said. James shrugged.

"No need for an occasion... I think it looks fine with your pyjamas..."

Lily laughed as she reached back to remove it. He didn't want her to take it off, it looked fantastic on her. Nevertheless she removed it and put it back in the box.

"Thank you, James."

"Just returning it to its rightful owner..."

"I'm hardly the rightful owner."

"I can't see how you wouldn't be. Someone obviously didn't want it otherwise they wouldn't have thrown it in the lake... and it's not like they can ask for it back without admitting that they had an illegal cursed necklace... Anyway, I think whoever has suffered by it deserves to have it..." Noticing that he voice was becoming mushy and sentimental he cleared his throat and said. "I promised Madame Pomfrey I'd clear out and let you sleep, so..."

"Goodnight, James."

"G'night Lily."

After James had gone Lily thought it was much colder, darker and lonelier in the hospital wing. She wished he had stayed, or that she had Mercury with her...

James had been tossing in his bed, unable to sleep. Something in the back of his mind was keeping him awake, not letting him rest. Growling, he got out of bed and grabbed his invisibility cloak. He threw it over him and left his room, prowling around, searching for the answers in the darkened castle corridors. He was uneasy, restless, anxious. Somehow he found himself in front of the doors to the hospital wing again and the knot of tension in his mind seemed to loosen. He would just check on her... just for a minute, make sure she was alright...

Careful not to make a single sound that would wake either Evans or Pomfrey, he slipped inside. Lily was still in bed, twisting a bit in her sleep. He wondered if she was having a nightmare, or if perhaps she was in pain... He sat on the bed beside hers, waiting to see if she would calm...

Lily awoke a few hours later, in terrible agony. She realised that the pain wasn't real, only the fading recollection of Thursday, a nightmare. She lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, concentrating in making the discomfort go away.

"It's not real, it's not real..." She told herself. Some of it, she realised, _was_ genuine. This pain had come and gone ever since she remembered waking up in St. Mungo's Friday morning. The healers had given her several potions but none of them seemed to work. They said it was just after effects of the curse, her body and mind still in shock. Still, with no one around to distract her from it, the pain seemed impossible to ignore, and only became more and more unbearable. If only James were here, she thought.

Then she realised something. She felt it, him, his warmth... She turned to look at the bed next to her, it was empty but the pillow was oddly indented, as if a human head rested there... And now that she was listening for it she heard soft breathing...

"James... James!... POTTER!" She hissed. He didn't wake up. She sent him a small slapping curse to rouse him

"What?!" He mumbled confusedly sitting bolt upright so the cloak fell from him.

"James!" She whispered again. He turned to her

"Lily? What?"

"I need you to do me a favour."

"How did you know I was..."

"Unimportant. Go into my room. On the bottom of my bedroom wardrobe there is a small wooden chest. Inside the chest there is a light blue bottle. Actually there are two, bring them both..."

"What? Why?"

"I want one of those potions... It will help me."

"What is it?"

"Something I created myself. Please?"

"Why?"

"Because I'm in a lot of pain and it will help me... please please please!" She said desperately, clutching her ribs.

"Okay. I'll be **right. back.**" He said, almost as if it were a threat. What, did he think she would try to get up and run away to get it herself if he was gone for too long? Now that she thought about it, it wasn't that bad of an idea... but no, she wanted that potion and she wasn't strong enough to get it herself. Perhaps tomorrow night she might make a break for her own bed...

He readjusted the cloak around him and left, not even bothering to close the hospital wing doors behind him. She didn't wonder what James was doing sleeping in the hospital wing, she was grateful that he had been. He returned ten minutes later with both bottles...

"Here." He said. She took them from him, opened one and sniffed it. Nope. She uncorked the other one and smelled it. Firewhiskey, yes... She took two swallows of it, coughing. She hated the stuff, but surprisingly, it was necessary. She corked that bottle then raised the other to James in a kind of toast.

"Can you put these back when I'm finished?" She asked.

"Of course, but what are..."

"Goodnight, James." She said, swallowing the contents of the second bottle and falling immediately asleep.

"Lily?" He whispered uncertainly. "Lily?" He said again, giving her a poke on the arm with his wand. Nothing. That potion had knocked her out cold. What on earth had it been? There was no telling, she had created it herself. It must have been something to do with pain, because that's what she said before he left to go get them. Perhaps she used them for her weird health problem she refused to explain to him...

As she had asked, he took the now empty potion bottles back to where he had procured them. It was odd, he thought, being in Lily's common room with no fire going. There had always been a fire there before...

He sent sparks into the grating and a blaze erupted, giving her room the warmth and light it deserved. Her table was covered with books, parchment, quills, and the chess set Rupert had given her, the pieces still in the positions they had been in when he had last defeated her.

He summoned his briefcase, and sat down at the desk, thinking that he would do some work until morning, but when he sat down to start grading the rest of the 5th years' essays he felt strange. The common room, though brighter and warmer now, still didn't feel as comfortable without Lily there... Resignedly he gathered his things and left for his own office.

No. Couldn't work there either. He growled in frustration. It would be rather irritating if he couldn't grade papers anymore unless Evans was around... With no other options, he pulled out _the_ mirror and called his best friends name.

"You really do keep odd hours, you know that Prongs?" He greeted.

"This coming from the man who sleeps till 2 in the afternoon."

"At least I'm consistent."

"I don't see what's so great about consistency... I like to change things up, keep it interesting."

"In almost all respects, I completely agree with you mate. Life, jobs, women... everything but sleep."

"Yes, you like your sleep don't you."

"It's the only innocent pleasure left to me." It wasn't a boast, it was just a statement. A statement they both knew to be true.

"Perhaps you could develop an innocent hobby or two..."

"What, like tutoring students? But how innocent is that exactly..."

"Sirius..." James said warningly, for what must have been the 100th time.

"What?" He asked innocently... or as innocently as Sirius _could_ sound.

"Just leave her out of this, alright?"

"You were the one to bring her up by saying to leave her out of it... And besides you should be proud of me for having made it that far into the conversation without mentioning her..."

"Oh yes, just bursting with pride..." He said sarcastically.

"No, but in all honesty, how is she doing?"

"Moved her back to the Hogwarts hospital wing tonight."

"So soon?"

"She wanted to... and somehow managed the head healer to let her."

"Indeed..."

"Still won't be up and about for several days though... if she obeys the healers orders..."

"What are the chances of that?"

"Slim to none."

"Good girl..."

"Good thing you aren't around to encourage her."

"Good for you, perhaps. She would make an excellent pupil of mischief..."

"She gets into enough trouble _without_ your help. You stay away from her, Padfoot."

"What? The only time I've ever seen her was when she was unconscious... what harm could I possibly do her?" He said grinning wickedly.

"I don't know, but that smile of yours is worryingly suggestive..."

"Maybe, maybe not." He dismissed the matter. "So, why did you call on me if not to discuss our little cursed queen?..."

"Couldn't sleep." He said truthfully. For the first time he _hadn't_ mirrored to talk about Lily. In fact, she was the _last_ thing he wanted to talk about. "Had nothing better to do..."

"Surely you had work to do... and didn't need to trouble _me_ with your incoherencies..."

"I tried, couldn't do it..."

"Is it just tonight you couldn't sleep? Or have you been suffering for a while?"

"Suffering?"

"Not getting your sleep is the worst thing I can think of..."

"Well, obviously I didn't sleep _last_ night... and the night before that I only grabbed a few hours... I was up late grading papers..."

"You mean, _she_ was up late grading your papers..."

"No, I... How did you know that?"

"Deduction my dear Watson..."

"Who?"

"Honestly mate, broaden your literary horizons..."

"That's beside the point, what do you mean, deduction?"

"You must have done _something_ to make her turn your hair blue, yes?"

"But it could have been anything! How did you know about the papers?"

"Hell hath no fury like a woman exploited."

"Scorned..."

"I know, but scorned doesn't work in this context, so I changed it a little. So why can't you sleep?" Sirius said, steering the conversation away from the tricky topic of explaining himself.

"No idea. I have too much on my mind, perhaps..."

"Well... here is a suggestion... why don't you work it out on your own instead of using me to distract you from them."

"I'm not trying to distract myself."

"Aren't you? You obviously aren't talking about whatever it is that's on your mind so you must be distracting yourself from it. My advice. Leave me alone, and think things out..."

"Now Padfoot, that's..." But it was too late... Sirius was gone.

xxx

xxx

xxx

Chapter the next: The Tedious Business of Recuperation

Lily awoke the next morning from her deep potion induced sleep to the sounds of Madame Pomfrey, complaining about visitors again. She opened her eyes to see Hagrid and Mercury there, no doubt for the morning's feeding. Lily smiled and beckoned to Mercury, who dashed passed Madame Pomfrey to her. She summoned the bottle effortlessly from the half giants hand and flung her legs over the side of the bed to sit down on the floor.

"Good morning, boy. I missed you!" She said as he guzzled.

Once again, Madame Pomfrey seemed too stunned by the unicorn's presence to find her voice to object.

"Mornin Lily!" Hagrid said, voice as booming as ever.

"And a fine morning to you!" She said brightly.

"You seem very energetic this morning."

"I am. I feel 50 times better than I did yesterday." She said. At these words Madame Pomfrey approached to make an inspection...

"Miss Evans, would you mind leaving the little one for a moment while I have a look at you?"

Lily and Mercury both weren't too excited about the idea. "Certainly, Madame Pomfrey..." Mercury was nearly finished anyway, so she lingered a bit, taking her time readjust her pyjamas and standing up so that he could empty the bottle.

"I guess we'll go then..." Said Hagrid, "Don't want to get in the way."

"Please don't..." She begged.

"Well... I'll come back after I've spoken to the Headmaster... _he_ can stay with you." He said, nodding his head towards Mercury.

xxx

James's mouth was open, on the verge of finally saying what he had been trying to get out all morning. Sirius had told him to think it out and he had, and he was there, in Dumbledore's office, ready to say it when Hagrid knocked on the door.

"Come, Hagrid." Dumbledore bade weakly. He knew it had been Hagrid just as James had. His booming that came from his giant sized fist was unmistakable.

"Morning Professor Dumbledore. Oh, 'lo there James."

"Morning Hagrid." James said with a sigh... it was gone. He lost his words again.

"Professor Dumbledore, sir. The school's thestrals have nearly all have come down with thrush. I only just noticed this morning."

"Oh dear..."

"What about Mercury?" James asked anxiously.

"Oh no, he's fine. He's with Lily now."

"Well Hagrid, I assume you know what to do..."

"Yes sir, I just thought I would tell you in case they aren't better before the Hogsmeade weekend... we might need to find another way to get the students into the village..."

"Perhaps we should prepare the boats..." Dumbledore said with an amused smile. The little boats used to carry the first years to the castle on their very first day at school might be an amusing little reminiscence for the older students...

"Yes, sir." Said Hagrid enthusiastically. "Well, that's all I suppose. I'll just go back to the Hospital Wing now. Lily says she feels 50 times better today."

"That is indeed encouraging news."

"I'll take my leave as well..." Said James beginning to walk away.

"James, wasn't there something you wanted to tell me?" Dumbledore asked. James froze, knowing that he couldn't say it now anyway...

"No sir, nothing."

"Very well, off you go."

Both men left the headmaster's office for the hospital wing. James hung his head, disappointed in himself for having lost his momentum. He had done as Sirius had said and had a good think about things. A long think about things... He still planned on having that talk with Dumbledore, but it could wait for a little bit so long as Lily was still safe (stuck) in the hospital wing. But this wasn't something he could just let fade away, he would have to stay with it, see it through.

When they entered Lily was sitting up in bed with an arm stretched down to pet Mercury, who stood there vigilant by her side as she spoke to a few visitors. He recognized them as Ferris and Michaels. Unwilling to go up and talk to her in front of Michaels, (he would also prefer not to have Ferris as well, but it appeared as if he was now a sort of member to the little group because he had been in St. Mungo's too...) he strode right past her bed not even looking at her, and addressed Madame Pomfrey. They were at a safe enough distance from the group surrounding Lily's bed so he made his inquiries.

"How is she?"

"Miss Evans seems to have made unbelievable progress since last night. She will of course stay here. No telling if this improvement will be short-lived or permanent."

"Ah."

"But I am confident she will return to her usual strength eventually. I'm fairly sure the worst is over and that she is out of any real danger... just a week or two of relaxation should get her back fighting fit."

James grinned at the expression, all too appropriate for Lily Evans. Fighting fit... though he doubted she would wait a whole week, let alone two... But something Dumbledore said in St. Mungo's came back to him. Something he hadn't been able to forget or tell anyone, even Sirius. Something Dumbledore had chosen to only share with him for some reason. '_It is quite possible, that with such a powerful curse as that, that Miss Evans will never fully recover. Even if her mind and health are restored, because of that curse, there may always be a part of her that wants to die, complete the death that she so very nearly escaped. She was incredibly strong to fight it, yes, but the residue from the curse is not likely ever to be lifted...' _

_'Are you saying she wants to die?' _

_'Not quite. Just that there is a part of her that will embrace death... to complete it.' _

_'You make it sound as if part of her has already died.' _

_'I'm glad you've reached that conclusion too...' _

_'What? No!' _

_'I'm not suggesting she is ill, physically, mentally, or spiritually in any way...' _

_'Then what are you saying?' _

_'Simply that Lily Evans will never shirk from death...when her time comes.' _

James_ still_ didn't quite understand, but he knew he didn't like it, nor could he stop thinking about it even though he had been trying his best not to... He didn't like the word 'death' to begin with, and especially not when put together in the same sentence as 'Lily Evans'... but he _had_ thought about it. A lot. Sirius had told him to think, so he had...

A burst of cheerful laughter came from Lily and unable to stop himself he turned over to look at her. At some point Ferris had left, leaving Michaels alone with Evans. This made the lion within him growl threateningly at the snake, but James silenced the beast... Not now... he told it.

He made more small talk with Madame Pomfrey to pass the time, but Michaels still didn't leave, so he lingered even longer in the hospital wing, asking to be checked and given cures for things he barely had, like a slight headache and runny nose.

The bothersome boy stayed by her side leaving James no choice but to come back later and hope the little wretch wasn't still lurking about. Yes, it was his fault the boy had come, but he hadn't expected him to come so soon or stay so long. And he wouldn't get to another chance to see her until much later, as he would be at Uppingham house until nightfall...

x

"John? What are you doing here?" She asked in mock surprise when he entered a minute after Rupert. The first thing Roo had said when he came in was that Michaels was right behind him so she might want to hide the unicorn. She had just managed to convince Mercury to hide under the bed when the hospital wing doors opened again.

"I got an anonymous owl saying you were here..." He answered.

"Did you now..."

"How long have you been here?"

"I fell ill Thursday night."

"Hence your not being in Potions on Friday..."

"Exactly..."

"So what happened? Are you alright?"

"Fine now... nothing serious."

"She nearly died." Rupert added with sudden fierceness. "_Did_ die, actually, for a few moments..." John looked shocked, looking from Lily to Rupert in disbelief, waiting for one of them to say it was just a joke.

"But I'm fine _now_. Just a bit of pneumonia that should clear away in a week or two."

"You are going to be here for a week?" John asked.

"Certainly not. That's just what Madame Pomfrey says..."

"Ah."

"Lily... _please_ don't overdo it... _Please_..." Rupert pleaded. "You weren't there, well, yes you were technically, but you couldn't see how sad and scary it was, you struggling to breathe, sometimes stopping all together for a moment before you'd start again. I know you are looking better but you can't possibly recover in one or two days from something like _that_." He gave the last word a particular emphasis that made it clear he wasn't just talking about pneumonia.

"Of course, Roo. Don't worry." She said reassuringly, but this far from reassured him. She had answered to quickly which was immediately suspect. He looked at her oddly.

"I don't believe you, you're tricky..."

"Why does everyone keep saying that?"

"Because you are. You'll do anything to get what you want. You should probably have been sorted into Slytherin." Neither Lily nor Michaels was offended by this, nor had he meant it to be offensive. Lily wondered what James would have said if he had been there... "You know something?" He said deciding to changing the topic.

"What?"

"I was passing by the hourglasses earlier. Gryffindor has 50 more points. Bit high for a weekend. Someone must have done something spectacular." He said, raising his eyebrows knowingly at Lily. So she had gotten those 50 points from James after all... Somehow that didn't seem fair.

"OW!" John said suddenly. He reached down and grabbed his shin, lifting up his pant leg to inspect his shin. A sore red point seemed to swell and glow. "What the... AH!" He howled once again as a slightly stumped adolescent silver horn poked out from under the sheets of the bed and jabbed him again. Terrified he jumped up onto the neighbouring bed, keeping his legs tucked under him, staring, waiting for the horn to re-emerge.

"Mercury!" She scolded. "Mercury that wasn't very nice. Come out and apologise."

The unicorn stepped out proudly from underneath the high hospital bed to be seen properly, but he did not apologise. He simply glared at the boys. Lily sighed.

"I'm sorry about this. He doesn't like strangers..."

"He didn't fancy me much either..." Rupert told him in consolation.

"He... but that's..."

"Come here boy..." Lily cooed. The unicorn stood dutifully by her bedside as she began stroking him and humming as she always did.

"That's a unicorn..." Michaels finally managed.

"I know..."

"Why..."

"He's mine... or rather I'm his..."

"A unicorn..." He said again, still confused.

"I found him... an orphan. So now I take care of him." She said, and then added to Mercury. "And I love him so much, yes I do... yes I do..." In Lily's mind she was wondering if this was a very bad thing. James had wanted Mercury's existence, and her connection with him a secret. Now one of the people he suspected of being a death eater knew about it...

"It's just so... weird."

"That's not a very nice thing to say."

"No, I mean, it's just very unusual. It's perfect in keeping with Lily Evans though." He said with a smile. Lily laughed pleasantly as he continued. "Makes her own spells, takes care of a unicorn, in her spare time studies the..." Lily clucked her tongue at him to be silent, throwing a meaningful glance at him, then darting her eyes to Rupert. He caught the message. Not in front of another Gryffindor... Studying dark arts was just not the done thing in Gryffindor... even if it was completely innocent research purposes. "Well, he's magnificent looking anyway."

Mercury seemed pleased at the compliment, but not pleased enough to be polite.

"He most certainly is. And growing so quickly too." She said beaming.

"What's Potter doing here?" John asked as James and Hagrid walked in. Lily had a slight panic attack, desperately hoping Rupert wouldn't say anything. She needed to have a talk with him soon about not really talking about... well... she wouldn't call it a _relationship_... but their odd sort of half friendship thing she had with James. It wasn't something she wanted the students, especially John, to know. Hagrid glanced at Lily, seeing she was already occupied held up his wrist pointing to his watch, then gave her the thumbs up. Ok, he would come back later...

"Who knows." Rupert said with a shrug, then turned to Lily. "I suppose I'll go now." Lily sighed in relief... he already understood. Good, that would save her an awkward conversation.

"Don't you have a date to take a stroll around the lake with your latest lady love?"

"I do indeed." He said with a smile, rising from his chair. He looked to Michaels, hinting that he should be leaving as well, but he didn't seem to catch the subtle suggestion. "I'll come by later, perhaps with more of the fan club..."

"Have fun!" She called after him.

"Fan club?" John asked a moment later.

"He just means some of the Gryffindors. They aren't really a fan club, just a group of enthusiastic friends..." If one uses the term 'friend' loosely.

"I see..." He said with a teasing grin. "I shouldn't expect hate mail for taking you to Hogsmeade should I?"

"No..." She said, not _quite_ sure if it was true.

"Will you even be able to? I'll understand if you can't come. If you need to stay in the hospital wing then... then... I could bring you lunch and we could have a sort of picnic."

"What a sweet idea, but I don't know yet what she will and won't let me do... I really do intend not to overdo it, despite what Rupert thinks. He's just a bit still shaken I think..."

"Did you really almost die?"

"Twice, if I understand the stories correctly. Once my heart and lungs really did stop, and a second time I almost did, before I woke up. But I couldn't move at all, not even a finger. It was terrible, being conscious and hearing people crying and not being able to talk to them..."

"That's... dreadful."

"Yes, let's not talk about it anymore..."

"How did you get sick in the first place?"

"I thought we were changing the subject..." She said as she followed Potter's exit. He hadn't said hello, waved, or even made eye contact.

"Actually, I _do_ have a question for you... but I don't exactly know how I want to say it..."

"Alright..." She said uncertainly. She waited while John tried to find the words.

"Sirius Black." He ended up blurting out.

"What?" She asked, but she knew very well _what_. He had obviously heard the rumour.

"I mean... are you..."

"Am I what?"

"Are you seeing Sirius Black?" He asked uncertainly. Lily laughed out loud.

"Me and Sirius Black? Why on earth would you think that?"

"Because... he said so... Friday in the Defence Against the Dark Arts class."

"He said that to the class?"

"Apparently so, it's all anyone talked about yesterday. I heard from Isaacs yesterday at dinner. Apparently he already knew you were sick with pneumonia when no one else did and then when people started asking how you knew each other he said you were... _shagging_." He said, trying to make the last word as little as possible.

"He was teasing. Probably making fun of the kid who wasn't there...I've never even properly met Sirius Black. I can just barely remember him from when I was in first year... Isn't it ridiculous how a rumour so obviously impossible became so widespread?"

"How did he know you were ill?"

"All the teachers did I expect. McGonagall would have told them I wouldn't be in lessons. Apparently she let the substitute Black know as well..."

"That makes sense now that I think about it... Still, it's an odd choice for a substitute teacher, don't you think? But apparently the lesson was great. Isaacs was raving about both you and Sirius Black once it was over."

"Because she thought we were an item?"

"No, she said she was impressed by your essay, which he read to the class, and by the way he took it apart bit by bit to explain it. She says her nonverbal magic is heaps better now..."

"I'm flattered..."

"I would be too if it was me..."

John stayed with her for almost the entire rest of the morning until he had to go to lunch.

"Do you want me to bring you something to eat?" He asked. Yes. Absolutely. Unquestionably. Definitely. Without a shadow of a doubt, please for the love of Merlin, yes.

"Certainly not." Madame Pomfrey answered for her. "I have food for her here. Now, she's had enough visitors to last her for the entire day, please let her rest..."

"Alright..." He said sounding slightly guilty. "I'll see you later, Lily..."

"Bye..." She said, taking her hand away from Mercury just long enough to wave goodbye.

"And this..." She said gesturing towards he unicorn.

"His name is Mercury. And he is my responsibility..." She said defiantly. She wanted to keep her locked away in the hospital wing, fine, but at least give her Mercury.

Madame Pomfrey seemed once again unable to continue. She never managed to actually ask him to leave, she just couldn't...

The "food" she was given barely qualified the term in Lily's opinion. "Food" gave the false impression that what she had before her was actually edible. Warm vomit inducing mush, would be a more accurate description. She took two bites before giving up, and clearing the plate with her wand. Hagrid came in around tea time and sat with her a bit before he had to leave again. He took Mercury with him so that the unicorn could spend some time outside and take care of business that could only been dealt with outside... Which meant she was left alone, bored and hungry for _real_ food.

"This _recovering_ is a tedious business..." She complained the moment James entered after dinner.

"I'd believe it."

"And how does she expect me to get better if she doesn't give me real food?"

"What does she give you?"

"Stewed Hippogriff droppings by the taste of it." James pulled a disgusted face, having accidentally pictured eating real stewed hippogriff faeces...

"Blech."

"Too right. I don't even have any work to do to keep my mind occupied... I just sit and think, or sleep... One could die from the boredom..."

_Die_. The word jolted him into action.

"Lily, this might sound like a weird question, but bear with me..."

"Alright."

"Can you still feel the necklace in anyway? Or the curse?"

"I'm not in any pain, if that's what you mean..."

"No, that's not it... I mean can you feel its presence, anywhere in you... erm... any lingering impression at all?" He trailed off, hoping that she would pick up on his train of thought. She sat back for a while, brows furrowed and eyes closed as if in deep concentration. Her brows relaxed and she took a deep breath in, but kept her eyes shut as she leaned her head back. James sat in silence, anxiously awaiting her answer. If she would just open her eyes and say 'Nope!' cheerfully, then he would relax again... please, just say nothing's there... nothing...

"Kind of..." She said slowly, unsurely, eyes still closed, mind still searching within her. "I feel... something. A patch of darkness concealed some inaccessible place in my mind... no, heart... no, mind... I don't know. But I feel it, when I really think about it. I don't know what it's saying, though..." She opened her eyes again and looked at him, her gaze penetrating his very core. "I never felt it until now, when you told me to look for it. How did you know?"

"No, I... uh... well, with powerful dark curses I mean... there might be some... I mean a tiny bit... almost imperceptible amounts... the merest trace of... residue."

"Meaning that I'm still slightly cursed?" She asked evenly, not sounding remotely offended or troubled by the idea.

"No that's not what I meant to say!"

"It's alright. You don't have to it if it makes you uncomfortable." She said shrugging.

"Lily, I'm not saying you are cursed..."

"But I am." She said so simply and carelessly James was taken aback. He simply stared at her. "I know I am. I feel it now." She said closing her eyes again. "It's not really doing anything; it's not growing or hurting me. It's just there, a dark presence in my heart, no... mind... no, heart. I can't tell where the one ends and the other begins..."

James's heart sank even at her reassurance that it wasn't doing anything bad. Of course it wasn't now. She wasn't near death. But she had confirmed his fears for her. Dumbledore was right. He was certain of it now, he _had_ to speak to Dumbledore about this. In some fey notion she might run into any battle she came to, thinking that her excellent courage and strong conviction against the dark arts were carrying her into the fray, instead of that dark smear in her soul that longed for its own death... The thought terrified and sickened him.

"I have to talk to Dumbledore." He said getting up suddenly. Now, he could do it now while he was this worried about her. He wouldn't lose his nerve. Nothing could stop him from telling the headmaster now.

"You're leaving me?" She asked in a sweet, sad little voice.

"Damn it..." He whispered so she couldn't hear. Ok so _one_ thing could stop him, and it was staring him right in the face with wide imploring green eyes. "What is it?"

"Nothing I just... I thought we were... I mean... you seemed to be helping me sort things out that I hadn't been able to sort out myself. Talking to you somehow was... You just... seemed to clear away the obscure mists in my mind." She finished, sounding as if she didn't understand what she had said. Despite everything he was touched, softened by her lost, needy expression. _Him_. He realised. She needed _him_. He smiled slightly, only to himself.

"I suppose Dumbledore can wait..." He said, sitting down next to her...

He listened as she spoke, spewing out everything that had been swirling around in her mind that day, sometimes talking with her, guiding her through it, ordering her thoughts. He also told her how uneventful his shifts at Uppingham house had been. She mentioned Michaels as well, and the rest of that particular threat.

"Mercury started attacking him in the middle of the visit." She said.

'Good boy,' James thought. His affection for the unicorn, never low, rose another notch or two.

"Mr. Potter..." Madame Pomfrey said tersely as she brought Lily another tray of what the Hippogriffs had to offer. James stood up and went to sit down on the neighbouring bed.

"What exactly is that, Madame Pomfrey?" He asked her.

"A special stew, easily digestible."

"If only it were as palatable..." Lily mumbled under her breath so that only James heard. He snorted in laughter which earned him yet another glare from the healer.

"Mr. Potter, don't you think you've been here long enough?"

Lily didn't even give time for him to answer before she rudely interrupted. "Madame Pomfrey? I was wondering if I might stretch my legs... just for a little bit. A small well contained stroll to the library and back? I won't overdo it, I just need a bit of exercise and reading material... Too much pent up energy can't be good..."

"You use that energy to get better."

"I am better!" She said. "See for yourself!" Madame Pomfrey looked at her sceptically, but apparently thinking that another check up was actually in order, she nodded and pulled back the curtain, blocking her from James's view. He felt slightly awkward. What did one of those check ups entail? James heard Madame Pomfrey moving around, asking Lily to take deep breaths and the sound of rustling fabric.

"I don't know what happened to you last night, Miss Evans, but this truly is one of the speediest recoveries I've ever seen."

"So I can go?"

"To the library, yes. But only for a half an hour and then you are to come right back here. I'm still not convinced you are entirely well. How could you be?"

Lily would take it. 30 minutes of freedom was the best she had gotten all day. She buttoned her pyjamas back up and threw back the curtain. She put her feet in the small slippers that she had been given and threw on her cloak that Hagrid had brought back for her. She wasn't going to the library, but Madame Pomfrey didn't need to know that. She smiled at Potter, who grinned back. He knew exactly where Evans planned on going...

"I'll have some grilled turkey, some chicken wings, rolls, soup, mashed potatoes, oh and some beef stew, perhaps some chips as well..." She said to the house elves of the Hogwarts kitchens. She hoped they wouldn't take too long, she wanted time to eat it...

It was brought to her as each dish was made. First the soup and mashed potatoes, then the turkey, then the stew...

"Lily don't you..."

"Can't talk, gotta eat." She said shovelling stew into her mouth. "Damn. What time is it?"

"You have 4 minutes to get back to the hospital wing..."

"Curses... Ok, lads and ladies, can we get the chicken legs and chips to go?" They were more than delighted to put them in a nice little basket for her. "Thank you all so much, so very much. What would I do without you?"

The house elves beamed with pride as she and James left the kitchens.

"Lily?" He said quietly on the way back.

"What?"

"What _was_ that stuff last night... the one in the blue bottle?"

"Secret..."

"Look, enough of this secret business. Just tell me."

"Not yet. It would take a very long time to explain and I we have only 10 seconds before we are back at the hospital wing. You'd better not come back in; she is likely to hex you."

"I agree. But you _will_ tell me later, yes?"

"I probably will."

"Promise?"

"No."

"Lily..." He said in that displeased threatening way she and Sirius had grown quite accustomed to.

"I take promises very seriously... and I'm not going to make one I'm not entirely sure I'll keep." She said. They were both standing in front of the doors, not yet able to go in.

"Tell me."

"The potion was merely a pain killer... Now, if you don't mind, I have a date with hospital bed." She said before she walked in, leaving him standing in the corridor alone and frustrated.

He _hated_ being lied to.


	18. Uppingham House

**Chapter 18**

Hagrid came back with Mercury that evening for the feeding, and left the unicorn with her along with enough formula to last him the night. He stayed until Madame Pomfrey kicked him out and then it was nothing to do again. At least this time she had Mercury for company. He seemed quite content to stand guard over her as she stroked his head.

She was half expecting Potter to show up in his invisibility cloak again, but he didn't. He had better things to do, she knew. Why would he bother spending his time in the hospital wing with a girl who won't even answer his questions?

She dozed fitfully, having that dream again, but this time without the pain... She woke to Mercury prodding her with his nose. Reminding her of his midnight feeding... and again at dawn.

Lily found that Madame Pomfrey, when not overly stressed with patients or their visitors was a very pleasant person. Lily spent most of the morning offering to help her, and learning what she could about healing. Lily didn't exactly lie when she said that she considered healing to play be a very prominent part in her future career. She had made it sound like she was interested in become a healer, but she was actually thinking along the lines of being an auror, and how often they must need medical attention.

"You know, I don't think health and healing is adequately emphasised in the Hogwarts curriculum..." Lily said.

"Neither do I. 10 times a day I get students with bloody noses or sneezing fits. Very simple spells that first years could do if they put their wands to it..."

"You should start an extra curricular class Madame Pomfrey. Maybe once or twice a week for those students who are interested to learn more about healing. I'm sure Hogwarts could turn out more healers if the students who were inclined towards it had the proper encouragement..."

"A class? I'm not sure about that... I'm not a Professor Miss Evans."

"Or... perhaps, you could take on assistants! Let them learn as you go along. The common injuries and illnesses they would learn first, obviously, because they are the most prevalent."

"I'm not sure anyone would want to do that, nice an idea as it is..."

"I do. I'd come in an evening or two a week to watch and help you...Would you let me? I want to learn more about healing." She said. Madame Pomfrey smiled softly at her.

As if on cue, two students came into the hospital wing. They were so small they must have been first or second years. One of them had his face covered in his hands, his friend was guiding him along.

When Madame Pomfrey finally manage to convince the boy to take his hands away, she saw that his face was burned, along with his hands. Lily could smell the singed hair, and wondered how she had missed it before. It was so overpowering a scent.

Madame Pomfrey didn't use the cooling charm that James had used. She applied special salves to the burnt areas of the face.

"Does that stop the pain?" She asked.

"Yes, it does, but it needs to set, so it's difficult to put on the hands." The poor burned boy was crying, tears dripping down his burn salve mask. Lily looked at the boys hands and whispered the cooling charm.

"What was that?"

"Just something to cool it down. I didn't fix it at all, it just doesn't feel like it's burning anymore..."

Lily slid her pyjama shirt down her left side so that both boys and Madam Pomfrey could see the burn on her arm.

"Miss Evans, where did you get that?"

"Duel." She said simply. The boys went wide eyed, looking at Lily with new respect. Madame Pomfrey cleared her throat, pretending she hadn't heard and continued with her ministration and explanation about the differences between magical burns and regular burns. Lily found it very interesting, then again, she found just about everything interesting. After that, a girl came in suffering from hiccup jinx. The counter curse was simple. The young Ravenclaw explained that she _knew_ how to reverse it, she just couldn't, because she couldn't stop hiccupping long enough to perform the spell. Another came in with extremely long eyebrows, and a few others with equally ridiculous complaints. Most of Hogwarts healing was knowing how to reverse common jinxes.

"Is it always this bad?" Lily asked.

"No, Sundays are usually the worst, because they have nothing to do... so they experiment or duel.

One girl came in complaining of something that sounded to Lily a lot like the stomach flu. She had to stay in the hospital wing with a bucket beside her bed. Lily, feeling a bit silly in her pyjamas, magicked her robes onto her, though she was still without shoes. She scuffed around in her hospital slippers, following Madame Pomfrey around like a shadow. A spongy shadow, soaking in everything.

When Potter walked in early that afternoon and saw Lily's bed empty he went to Madame Pomfrey to inquire of the head girl's whereabouts.

"I do believe she is over there, resizing Mr. Feingold's thumbs..." She said waving a hand in the general direction of the hospital beds. James whipped his head around and sure enough, he could see Lily's deep red hair, bent down over a boy's hands. When James approached, he saw that they were, in fact, playing a game of pinochle. They boy's thumbs were obviously back to normal size.

"123 pinochle!" The boy shouted happily.

"You win again. I think your thumbs might be even better than before. Now what are you going to say to Ben next time you see him?"

"That my thumbs are more opposable than his, and that his epidermis is showing."

"Good. Off you go!" She said rumpling his hair.

"Thanks Miss Lily!"

"Anytime Archie."

"Miss Evans!" Madame Pomfrey called.

"Coming!" She said turning around and seeing him. "Oh, hey James." She said as she walked passed him to Madame Pomfrey. She listened attentively before taking two bottles to a girl's bedside while the healer herself inspected another student behind a curtain. Whoever it was seemed to be issuing loud animal like squeaks at regular intervals. The hospital wing doors opened again and Madame Pomfrey stuck her head out.

"Miss Evans!"

"I'm on it." Said Lily, who jogged up to the 4th year boys, stopped the nose bleed and sent him back on his way immediately. James just sat on one of the beds watching the scene amusedly. Once things had quieted a bit Lily came over and sat down next to him.

"Miss Lily..." James said with a hint of a little boy voice.

"Yes?" She said in an overly motherly one.

"I'm hurt."

"Where does it hurt?

"Here. I banged it." He said, pointing to his elbow.

"Let's see here." She said rolling up his sleeve examining the area in question. "Oh dear, this is very serious. It will take very special magic to make it feel better. Let's see if I can remember the spell... how did my mother do it... ah yes." She said, and kissed his elbow. "All better!" She said laughing.

James chuckled too, although silently kicking himself for not having chosen a more _interesting_ place for his fake injury...

"Thank you Miss Lily." He said, back to his usual tones.

"Anytime, Jamie."

Anytime, eh? He might take her up on that, he thought. What came out of his mouth however, was quite different. "That's the last time you can call me Jamie without losing your ability to walk..."

"Point taken."

"So you've been keeping busy I see."

"I have. I've learned a lot this morning, Merlin be thanked. At least I'm not bored to tears. No thanks to you."

"Hey, I just gave you an injured elbow... But you are right, and I am going to abandon you again, I have another shift at Uppingham in a bit..."

Lily sighed. "I can't believe I'm missing my first bit of Order work. Well Madame Pomfrey had better at least let me come to classes tomorrow. Oh, what was the homework on Friday?"

"Read Ch. 16. But no doubt you've already done that... _twice_."

"Three times, actually..."

"I don't know if that's inspiring or disturbing."

"That's one of the few chapters I read an _extra_ extra time, just because it's so interesting... I need to find out if there is any Transfiguration or Potions homework..."

"McGonagall and Slughorn know you've been here all weekend. They will understand if you don't have it done."

"Yes, but imagine how happy and impressed they will be if I have it done for them anyway."

"You are such a suck up."

"No... I'm a true academic."

"A true academic who likes to suck up..." He said. Lily shrugged.

"Admit it. You'd love it if you knew a student loved your subject so much that she did her homework even when she was sick and dying in bed..."

"Yes, but you aren't doing it because you love the subjects."

"Yes I am."

"No, you want it to look like you love those subjects."

"Ok, so there are other aspects I have to think about, there are my grades and my reputation to consider, but don't insult me by saying I don't love it. Yes, I love Potions. You hate them, but I love them. I make my own. Transfiguration. I love it, you love it. We are both animagi. Charms, love it, make my own... I'm sure you see where I'm going with this."

"So what's your favourite subject?" He asked, knowing what answer he wanted to hear.

"History of Magic. Definitely." She said sarcastically. That hadn't been it.

"Let me guess, you love history so much, you make up your own..."

"You might call it that."

"You might also call it being a liar." He said, reminded of how they had parted the previous evening.

"I'm not a liar... exactly."

" You are too. You lie all the time."

"Only to protect myself and my privacy from **intrusive** _wankers _like you."

If they had had the time to continue, it surely would have escalated into a yelling row, but at that moment McGonagall came in with Order members Lily recognized as Frank Longbottom being supported/half carried by his wife.

"Poppy!" Minerva shouted. Madame Pomfrey came in an instant, took in the state of things and began working.

"Moody is still there. Go help him Potter. I don't know where the others are, if they are alright or not..."

"Frank! Frank! Stay with me." Alice cried to him.

"I'm coming too." Lily said determinedly.

"Miss Evans you are not..."

"I'm fine and you don't have the time to argue. It was my shift in the first place. I'm going with Ja...Potter."

Like that she was walking out of the hospital wing, her wand flew into her hand as she left, James following her.

"Evans, get back to the hospital wing right now." He roared. She still didn't stop. In fact, she sped up, running at full speed out of the castle and onto the grounds. It was about a mile to Hogsmeade where she could apparate.

James came thundering past her in his stag form and she too transformed. She gained speed and the ache in her lungs eased. Deer were much better built for running and she made it there much quicker. When she saw James transform back she did to.

"You're **not** coming!"

"Let's stay around here and argue a while longer and let innocent people get hurt, shall we?!" They stood there glaring at each other for two pounding heartbeats before he furiously grabbed her to him, holding her so close it could have crushed her. She felt the world fall in on itself as he brought them both to Uppingham house.

x

"Mind your head Potter! Evans!" They heard Moody bark.

"Moody? Where is everyone else? Are they ok?"

"Behind you!" He shouted. As one Lily and James turned around to see a Death Eater firing a hex at them. James, Lily, and Moody all had their wands out, but Lily's shield exploded before any of them could do anything. The death eater flew back, and landed with a thud. He didn't move.

"What was that!?" Moody asked.

"A... shield." Potter said.

"I was just startled, I wouldn't count on it coming back again..." Lily added. Finally looking around she realised that they were inside an enormous house, with a great high ceiling, bits of marble and plaster crumbling down about them. "The family, Moody, are they safe?"

"Got everyone away except one girl. They are back at the castle. Don't know where the girl is..."

"How many death eaters?"

"They came in with 7, against just the 3 of us... Didn't expect so many."

"Incarcerus!" Lily yelled at the unconscious body. Just in case he decided to wake up anytime soon, but by the way his head oozed she doubted it.

"I got 2, Frank got 2 before he got hit, Evans just got one, there are 2 left, but they may have already gone by now. I've been looking for the girl..."

"She's in the house?"

"Was when the death eaters came... not sure now. The last two may have taken her..."

"What's her name?" She asked.

"Emily."

"I'll look for her." She said, running up the stairs.

James didn't like the idea of Lily going off on her own, especially not with that fey curse lodged in her soul...

"Where are the others?"

"Had them apparate into Dumbledore's office."

"How is that even possible?"

"Don't sound so surprised, lad. It's Dumbledore after all..."

Fair point, James thought, but now was not the time to think about it.

"Split up and search the rest of the house?"

Moody nodded in acknowledgement. James veered off towards one direction and Moody towards another.

x

If Lily were a terrified child, where would she hide? She looked into the bedrooms carefully, kicking the door open quickly with her wand out and at the ready. None of them seemed like the room of a young girl until the last one.

"Emily?" She whispered. "Emily..." She leaned over to look under the bed to find a horrified child, eyes wide and tears and snot dripping down her face. "Come here, Emily, I'm not going to hurt, you, I'm here to take you to your family. Ok?"

As if by instinct she whirled around, knowing that someone was behind her. She couldn't have been more surprised at the face staring back at her.

"The girl's mine..." He said wand pointed at her.

"Richard Quibbley... you bastard." She said firing the bowling ball hex at him. He doubled over in pain, trying to shoot a petrifying hex her way. It was easily blocked. This 6th year Hufflepuff's curses were nothing compared to James's. Quickly she muted him, so that he couldn't speak, crippling a wizard of his inferior ability to do magic. With petrificus totalus he fell to the floor like a stone statue being pulled from its mount. Just to be safe she incarcerated him as well before she dropped back to the ground to look at the girl.

"Come on sweetie. We have to leave and go back to your parents. Quickly." The girl seemed to trust Lily somewhat more than the violent death eaters so she crawled out from under the bed and hugged Lily's leg, wiping her eyes and nose on Lily's robes.

"You're going to be fine, come with me." She said holding a hand out to the girl. It would have been easier to pick up the child and carry her, but Lily didn't dare impede her wand arm that way. They ran into Moody first as they carefully made their way down the stairs.

"Take her to Dumbledore's office. Apparate directly."

"Yes sir. There is another unconscious Death Eater in the last bedroom on the right. A Hogwarts student, actually."

"1 to go then..."

"Best of luck." She said bending down to the child, and like James had done to her only minutes ago, she grasped the child tightly to her and apparated to Hogwarts.

When Lily arrived, the child's family burst into tears of joyous relief. They must have been there waiting with their hearts in their throats.

"Miss Evans." Said Dumbledore, sounding mildly surprised.

"The Longbottoms are in the Hospital Wing."

"I was aware."

"Potter and I took their places."

"Of that I was not.

"That's not all. Quibbley. Richard Quibbley, he's one of the Death Eaters. He isn't coming back to Hogwarts anytime soon though. I left him with Moody, bound and petrified. According to Moody there is one Death Eater left unaccounted. If you don't mind sir, I will return to them now."

Lily barely waited for the Headmaster's nod before she reappeared in Uppingham house. When she arrived she found that in the short time she had been gone Fenwick had come too, and he was fighting a Death Eater. Lily joined him throwing shots of red at his opponent. He was good, whoever he was, blocking them deftly.

"There are more of them now." Fenwick said between hexes and counter curses. "2 more came with _him_."

After blocking a curse Lily sent a silent rictasempra at him. It was successful; he dropped his wand before he dropped to his knees, clutching his sides in laughter. Again, they stunned and incarcerated him before moving on together, taking the man's wand with them, jumping over bits of furniture that had been blown to pieces by various curses. They heard something shatter in the next room and they both ran in that direction. Fenwick entered first.

"No, don't!" He told Lily, blocking her entry.

"What is it?" She said, craning her head to look beneath his arm. James Potter was lying on the ground, unmoving, surrounded by shattered glass that was once a chandelier and crimson oozing from his head.

"Go find Moody! Let me help him. He's still alive!" Lily said frantically, pulling at the incredibly muscled arm. The arm lowered and let her pass.

"James!" She said, running to him, falling to her knees beside him, cutting her knees on bits of glass. Immediately she started performing spells to stop the bleeding. From what she could tell he wasn't hit by any magic at all, just by the falling chandelier. She picked bits of glass out of his scalp. Luckily his hair was so thick and messy it stopped most of the shards from reaching his scalp. There was a large bump, but she was convinced it was nothing serious. She had gotten knocked to the head worse that this before. He would be fine...

She lifted him with the flick of her wand and set him in a cleaner corner of the roomwhere he wouldn't be trodden upong. As she set him down she realized that he had his cloak, so she spread that on top of him, so that an enemy might not find him and kill him.

She followed the sounds of voices yelling hexes and things breaking into what seemed to be the dining room. Benjy Fenwick and Moody had their backs to the wall, their two opponents had their back to the door. Luckily for Lily they hadn't heard her approach. She silently stunned one, who fell to the ground. The startled Death Eater left standing turned around to face Lily, and fired a curse at her she easily deflected, giving Moody the opportunity to stun him.

"Incarcerus!" Lily said, and both bodies were suddenly bound. "What do we do with all of them?" She asked.

"You leave that to Fenwick, the Ministry and I."

"Potter's down. Unconscious in the sitting room." She blurted.

"Get him back then. You and the girl make it back alight?" He said, sending a patronus soaring from him wand.

"Yes." She said, following Moody as he stomped out of the room into the sitting room. Lily banished the invisibility cloak from Potter before they entered the room. Moody probably knew about the cloak, but she wasn't sure. Once they were inside she summoned it silently and tucked it into her robes. Instead of going to James, like she thought he would, Moody grabbed a tin from the mantle and threw a handful of green powder into the fire.

"Get him out of here quickly." Moody snapped. "Before this place is swarming with law enforcement wizards. You don't want to give a statement do you?" She shook her head. She didn't want to spend ages talking to the police, when Moody could just as easily do it for her. She wanted to get James to Madame Pomfrey.

She knelt by his side again as she heard Moody start talking to the fire. She gently but quickly pulled him into a sort of sitting position so she could get a good grasp on him. His limp body was very heavy, and she was falling back with him as she yanked them both out of Uppingham house.

The air became breathable again a moment later when they came to Dumbledore's office, Lily, still holding onto James's body.

"Miss Evans!" Came McGonagall's startled voice. Lily let go of James and looked up at her Professor's horror stricken face at the sight of them. Well, not at the sight of her, she looked alright, but the sight of James, unconscious with blood all over his face and clothes, was startling to behold.

"Everything is settled. The ministry and law enforcement is in control of Uppingham house. Several Death Eaters will be taken into custody. And I'm taking Professor Potter to the Hospital Wing." She said levitating him as easily as a feather and walking out of the office, him floating behind.

Lily decided she didn't want a lot of odd stares at the sight of her trailing the unconscious floating body of her bloody professor behind her, so she threw the cloak over him again and she continued on. She had to do some inventive dodging to keep students from unknowingly walking into him, but she managed. Once in front of the hospital wing, she looked around to make sure no one was around to see, then removed the cloak, tucking it back into her robes and walking in.

She carried him in calmly, and set him down next to the bed where Frank Longbottom lay sleeping. Alice who heard her come in, stood suddenly at the sight of James.

"Get Madame Pomfrey, would you?" She asked politely. Alice nodded, and with once glance at her sleeping husband left to fetch the healer.

Madame Pomfrey arrived, medical robes billowing as she flew. Lily gave a brief review of what she had done, and what she gathered must have happened.

"I don't think he was magically injured at all though... I mean, I suppose we might not know until he wakes up..."

"Enervate." Said Madame Pomfrey, but James still lay sleeping. So he hadn't been stunned... "Well, if we are lucky, the worst he'll have when he wakes up is a headache. This gash on the scalp was remarkable well mended. Well done, Miss Evans." She complimented.

"Thank you, Madame Pomfrey."

"Now, get back in bed, you've had far too much exercise for one day." She snapped. Honestly, the woman went from sensitive to surly in a moment.

"What? But I'm fine! I just proved I'm fine. I just fought and captured..." She quickly counted in her head, "4 death eaters all on my own."

"Exactly, you must be worn out and you mustn't overdo it. Bed. Now." She said sternly. With a sigh, Lily grabbed her pyjamas and sat down on the bed next to James's, pulled the curtain shut, and changed. Lily could barely believe that all that had happened in less than an hour. She reluctantly admitted (only to herself of course) that perhaps Madame Pomfrey was right about overdoing it. She felt an ache in her lungs making breathing harder and more painful.

"Lily?" Alice said uncertainly. Lily drew back the curtains.

"Yes?"

"Hi, I know we met at the meeting but I've never properly introduced myself. Frank and I are aurors. I think I was a 7th year when you were in your 2nd. Frank is James's age. They knew each other in school... then of course now with the order."

"I want to train to be an auror like you once I graduate."

"With marks like yours it shouldn't be a problem. We've all heard about you of course..."

"We? Who's we? Heard what?" She asked.

"We, the aurors in the order. Obviously Frank and I, Alastor Moody, Benjy Fenwick. Caradoc Dearborn, and the Prewetts." Lily noticed that Potter hadn't been mentioned. Perhaps the order still didn't trust a student with that particular secret, even if she were a member of the order. But Lily didn't press the matter, could not, she realised, without betraying James. "Dumbledore's told us all about you. About your parents, the unicorn, your magic and everything..."

"Oh..." She said. She liked Alice. A bit straightforward and direct, true, but she liked her. "So... I guess there isn't much else to say then..."

"Nonsense, we have gads to talk about." She said enthusiastically. Lily was surprised that such a... well... for lack of a better world... _girly_ woman was an auror. She imagined the female aurors to be very tough and lacking in the usual characteristics shared by silly women. But, if you have such a hard job, work with men all the time, and your husband is also an auror, perhaps you need those random girl moments. If Alice was surrounded by aurors non stop, perhaps she didn't have the chance to talk to many women in the usual way.

"Tell me about what happened after we left Uppingham house..." She said. Ok, Lily thought, perhaps she wasn't that girly after all, she wanted to hear about the fighting...

"Well, when Ja.. _Potter_ and I arrived Moody was alone..." She began. She explained the whole story, finding the girl, discovering Richard Quibbley... "And he actually took me to Hogsmeade last year..."

"He didn't..." She said incredulously.

"Mmhmm... so I hit him with a really hard hex of my own invention and he went down. I bound him and left him there for Moody and the other aurors and took the girl back to Dumbledore's office where her parents were. I summarised the situation to the others before I left again... Fenwick was there when I arrived..." She went on, explaining the rest of the events, describing ever hex and curse that was thrown and every word that was spoken up until she arrived at the hospital wing.

"That must have been a sight... you floating James along like that."

"It went unnoticed..." She said.

"Really? How?"

"I but a disillusionment charm on him so that he blended in with whatever he was next to, then I just floated him along the side of the walls above the students heads. No one noticed a thing." She said. She wished she had actually thought of that at the time. With the added protection of the cloak no one would have suspected anything and Lily wouldn't have had to work so hard to avoid the crowded passageways.

"All in all, a busy weekend." She finished.

"I know you poor thing! Finding a cursed necklace... what are the chances?"

"That's me, unlucky Lily Evans..."

"But think of how lucky you were to survive."

"Oh well, it's in the past now, right?"

"Right. You just have to keep moving on... And you did, didn't you. Fighting death eaters in the same weekend."

"You make it sound so amazing, yet you do it all the time... for a living."

"Yes, that's true, but you are still a student. The rest of us have been through training to handle these kinds of situations, you just seem to waltz right in and know what to do." Lily thought to herself that she _did_ have a sort of training, but her little auror lessons from Potter were strictly confidential, not even Dumbledore knew about them. Lily thought randomly for some reason that she needed to owl Tom from the Leaky Cauldron soon, to ask about working over holidays. Sometimes those ideas just pop into your head at odd moments, and this was one of those moments. Pity she wouldn't be allowed to go to the Owlery.

Alice had been distractedly playing with her husband's hair. Lily looked at James's. It was even more messy than usual with the dried blood clumping it up. She doubted she would have been able to run her fingers through it like Alice did Frank's, even if she wanted to... but she didn't so it wasn't an issue. Well, the dirty hair was certainly an issue but it wasn't a problem, just... disgusting.

"Madame Pomfrey?" Lily said getting up and walking over to where the healer sat at a desk.

"Everything alright Miss Evans?"

"I'm fine, I was just wondering if there was a way to get the blood out of Professor Potter's hair... it's getting on pillow and... well... it's just not very pleasant."

"Then wash it."

"With what spell?"

"With soap and water. He isn't a stain to be removed, Miss Evans..."

"Yes ma'am." Lily said meekly, returning to Alice. She was still looking lovingly at her husband. Lily realised that she didn't even know what had struck him down, or how serious it was. She imagined he wasn't dying, otherwise Alice would be much more upset.

Wondering how she would do this, she first conjured a bit of soap, placing it on Potter's chest, then she transfigured the pillow into a bowl, with a dip for the neck, like they have in every beauty parlour and barber shop.

_Auguamenti_, she thought, and she began wetting his hair with the stream of water from her wand. Once it was wet enough she lathered up the soap on her hands and began rubbing it into his hair, blood tinted water dripping into the bowl. She hummed as she worked. She rinsed it out with more water from her wand. When the bowl was getting full she evanesca'ed it away. The whole lather rinse process would definitely need to be repeated. So she did. This time she got more of it out, the water in the basin the disgusting red shade of watered down blood.

Lily had no qualms about blood the way normal people did. It never bothered in the slightest until now, she could feel the slice on his scalp, and she had seen him on the floor bleeding. It would be different, she knew if he were awake and talking. Somehow that would make it different, but to be washing away the blood from someone who can't do it himself made it sadder.

Removing the water from the bowl she made it so that hot air blew from her wand, acting like a magical hair dryer, but with much less noise. Lily knew a spell that would dry hair instantly, but she thought she'd do it this way, so it would be done properly...

Ok so she was cheating and she knew it. The whole _not touching_ rule she had given herself what seemed like ages ago seemed so unfair right now. He wasn't even awake... surely she deserved one little treat. Like allowing yourself a tiny piece of chocolate cake after not having any sweets for a whole week.

It was entirely relaxing, just humming and running her fingers through his hair as she dried it. Intoxicatingly calming.

"It's nice, isn't it?" Alice's voice came crashing into her private scene. She had been so lost that she had practically forgotten that other people were there. She wished awkwardly and suddenly, that she had pulled the curtain around his bed so that no one could have seen.

"What is?"

"To see him so well taken care of. I know I would do anything for Frank right now, if he needed anything at all I would do it. You just feel like you need to protect and tend to them, when they are so defenceless like this, you know?"

"No. I... wouldn't know."

"Oh..." Said Alice awkwardly.

"I am Madame Pomfrey's assistant for the time being, which is why I tended to him. In a moment I am going to check on Elizabeth Silverspoon. But..." Lily added truthfully, "I confess I do love doing people's hair. I used to play with my sister's hair all the time when we were kids. I don't have anyone's hair to run my fingers through nowadays... Well, my own but that's not the same thing at all."

Alice went back to stroking Frank's hair. "I know what you mean."

"It's relaxing isn't it?" Lily offered.

"Yes, comforting... for me. And I think that maybe he can feel it too."

"Perhaps he can." She said, finishing the last of the drying, cutting off the stream of warm air from her wand. She placed the drying charm on him just to be sure. Carefully she put her hand under his head and changed the bowl back into a pillow. She put a hand over it. It was slightly damp so she tossed it onto her bed and summoned another, drier pillow, one that wasn't damp or stained with blood. She placed the pillow beneath his head and gently lowered it back down, like placing a baby in a cradle.

"That's better." Said Alice. "It's much less gory now. He looks like he's just peacefully sleeping..."

At that moment a student Lily recognized as a 5th year from the Gryffindor Quidditch came in holding his right wrist in his left hand and looked around for Madame Pomfrey.

"What's wrong?" Lily said walking over to him.

"Fell off my broom in practice today. Think it's broken..." He said, bravely trying not to cry from the pain.

"Over here sit down, show it to me." She said as he took a seat on a bed. This would be Lily's first bone mending. Madame Pomfrey had told her how to do it earlier that day. She muttered the spell almost under her breath. She couldn't really see any change, but they boy obviously felt the difference, because he started moving it back and forth.

"Thank you."

"Does it hurt?"

"No."

"Good, then get back there on the pitch, we need to beat Slytherin next week!" The boy smiled at her and left, promising a solid victory.

Madame Pomfrey, who had been watching from her desk nodded in approval at her, and she returned back to her bed. Lily could hardly believe it wasn't even 3 in the afternoon... It seemed like it should be much later.

She closed the curtains around Potter's bed, in case any more students should come in and saw him there. She thought perhaps she would take a nap but Rupert came in, driving the idea out of her mind.

"How was your stroll?" She asked pleasantly, distracting him as Alice quickly pulled the curtains around her and her husband.

"Oh fine, fine. How are you?"

"I'm fine..." She said lamely. Fine wasn't the word she would have used to describe herself at that moment but it would have to do for now. "Did we have any Transfiguration homework?"

"Yeah, we have an essay due next week on... bugger me what was it... Oh right, animagi. We talked a bit about it in class. McGonagall even transformed for us in class. I mean, I know she did it in third year when we went over it the first time, but it was still cool. This is much more in depth than 3rd year. It sounds ridiculously complicated and I am _not_ looking forward to it..."

"What exactly is the title of the essay?" She asked.

"The 26 basic steps in becoming an animagi. Puh! 26 _basic_ steps my wand! If it's 26 then it's not basic at all. I looked over in the book and the steps are far from simple, charts, dates, far too much geometry for my tastes, but we have a week to do it so..."

"So..."

"So you are going to do it right now, aren't you?"

"I was thinking about it."

"You... are disgusting in some ways."

"That's not a very nice thing to say."

"It's true though... your academic tenacity is somewhat sickening."

"I'm stuck in the hospital wing, what else am I supposed to do?" She defended, as if she had done nothing all day but lay in bed being bored instead of fighting Death Eaters. He looked around the room and shrugged.

"I suppose you're right. At least you aren't alone anymore." He said indicating the 4 beds with drawn curtains.

"Yeah, veritable chatterboxes, they are." She said. "Haven't opened their curtains since they arrived."

"What's wrong with them?"

"She's eaten something funny, I _think_ the one over there has partially transfigured himself into a mouse, I don't know about that guy, and this one's taken a blunt object to the head. I'm the only normal one here."

"I assume you are using the word 'normal' here _very_ loosely."

"Shut it."

"Yeah well, I just came by to say hey, I've got to get started on that essay for transfiguration tomorrow."

Lily didn't need to do it, because she managed to do it in class the week before.

"Alright, I'll see you tomorrow."

"You are coming to class?"

"I hope so."

He gave her a kiss on the cheek and left. Alice drew back the curtains once he had gone.

"Is that your..."

"Friend." Lily finished for her. "Best friend... I suppose. We've been mates since first year.

"Cute."

Lily failed to see how, but said "Sure" anyway. Lily borrowed parchment, quill, ink and a hard surface from Madame Pomfrey and began on the animagi essay. She didn't need her books, she knew those 26 steps by heart. Looking back they seemed simple enough, but at the time she left like Roo, that they were completely too complicated for anyone to ever follow. She spent two hours on the essay, providing miniature diagrams. For a moment she was afraid she would give herself away by writing such a thorough essay, but then realised she needn't worry. Even if she weren't an animagus she would have put enough research into the essay to come up with this information. None of it was from personal experience or restricted section materials. She hadn't mentioned the specific incantations, or the precise diagrams, just sketches, but still informative. By the time she had finished the essay (after stopping twice to help injured students) and writing a letter to Tom about working over the holidays it was nearly dusk.

As she had hoped, Hagrid and Mercury came in. Using her wand she drew a chair large enough for Hagrid's weight and he took his seat as Lily sat on the ground to feed Mercury.

"Dumbledore told me about this afternoon. We are all very proud of you Lily."

"Thanks Hagrid." She didn't feel very thankful though. She felt like she was a child and all the adults were looking down at her smiling, giving her a sticker, or gold star for having gotten her sums right in arithmetic. Moody and Fenwick had been there too, done their part, people weren't going on about being proud of them. They did what was expected of them. Apparently they didn't expect so much from Lily, because they were easily impressed. Did they think she couldn't handle it?

"The family was very grateful you brought back their daughter to 'em."

"Yes, well..." She said giving Mercury a pat. "Hagrid, do you think you could do me a large favour and bring me an owl? Or at least send this off when you can?" She said handing him the letter.

"Course." He said taking it and putting it into one of the dozens of pockets in his massive coat. Lily hoped he wouldn't forget it there. Who knew how many indiscriminate odd lost things those numerous pockets might contain...

Another pair of students came in for Madame Pomfrey's assistance. She looked to Lily, and seeing she was busy tended to the 4th year herself. Hagrid sat directly in front of Lily and Mercury, his wide frame blocking them both completely from view. Lily was grateful he was three times as broad as your average man.

It was decided that the hospital wing was a bit too "high traffic" at the moment for Mercury, so he left after he finished eating, with Hagrid's promise he'd be back at midnight.

"Oooh, he was so cute." Alice commented as Mercury left.

"I know." Lily agreed.

"You are so lucky to have one as a pet."

"Mercury is not a pet." She said quickly, almost rudely... _almost._

"Of course, right, sorry... Well it's getting late I suppose I had better be going home..." She said, casting a longing mournful glance at her husband.

"You can sleep in my room. You would be able to stay close, but wouldn't have to sleep on one of these uncomfortable hospital beds... You'd have complete privacy, it's the head's chamber after all..."

"Oh Lily, that would be wonderful, thank you, thank you so much."

"I'll show you..." She said getting up from her bed. She gave a quick explanation to Madame Pomfrey she and Alice left the hospital wing. When they reached the portrait hole she told it "I'm changing the password to '_Remembrall'._ When she gave the new password it opened and she and Alice walked in. "Sorry if it's a bit messy." She said. It wasn't messy, but that was just the sort of thing one always says when letting someone stay over unexpectedly.

She gave Alice a quick tour and told her to feel free to help herself to anything. Lily hoped she would take that to mean everything _except_ her toothbrush and razor, but didn't add this. Once she was satisfied that everything she would want to keep hidden was safely tucked away, protected by password enchantments she left Alice and returned to the hospital wing.

Everything was quite now, and Madame Pomfrey told her that she was off to bed. Lily nodded and watched her leave. Only a few hours later, when everything was perfectly still and quiet did she dare to reach into Potter's robes and fish out the mirror. Thankfully it hadn't been broken in all the commotion.

"Sirius." She whispered once she had closed the curtains around her, silencing them.

"Lily Evans, what a pleasant surprise."

"Hello again Sirius."

"To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"To James, I'm afraid. Your friend joins me in the Hospital Wing tonight. He's unconscious on the bed next to mine."

"What happened?" He said, his tones changing from charming to concerned. His voice was now deeper, fuller, rougher.

"Auror stuff. He's fine, I think. Just a knock to the head this afternoon that he hasn't woken up from yet. I just thought you might want to know..."

"Thanks, Lily, I really do appreciate it. No one else would have thought to tell me."

"Not a problem." She said with a smile. She couldn't help but smile at the change in his voice when it was full of concern for his friend. It sounded so much richer that it made her shudder pleasantly on the inside. "That's all I really had to say, so I guess I'll let you go."

"Wait."

"Yes?"

"How are _you_ feeling? Not that I care, you understand." He added quickly, almost defensively. "You know, just a _polite_ enquiry."

"I'm... fine. All things considered I feel remarkably well. Just a bit tired, but..."

"Well in that case I will let you get your beauty sleep, not that you need it of course..." He said, the charm and laughter coming back into his voice once again.

"Goodnight, Sirius. I'll keep you updated."

"Thanks. Night, Lily."

She tiptoed back to James's bed and replaced the mirror before crawling back into her own bed to for an hour until and Hagrid brought Mercury for the midnight feeding.

x

James had had an excellent dream... he was just lying there as Lily massaged his head as she washed his hair. An odd dream yes, but it had been wonderfully warm and vivid. He heard her speaking, soft and low, perhaps she had been humming. No, she definitely was speaking, saying something about loving playing with hair. She could play with his anytime. He loved the way her fingers moved through it, massaging his scalp, stroking his hair. It was wonderful.

He fell away from that dream into more fuzzy, less vivid reveries. He was in Agatha's flat in Lomdon, then in the shrieking shack with the other maurauders, then in his parent's house. A chandelier came crashing down onto his mother's grand piano and he woke with a start.

It was the dead of night, and he was in the hospital wing. Grabbing his glasses off the nightstand and putting them on didn't really give much more clarity. It was still too dark to see much. He looked to his right, surprised for a moment to see Frank Longbottom, but then remembered that they had brought Frank in just as he had left with Lily...

Lily! Where was she? He looked around to see her asleep on the bed to his left. He exhaled for a moment in relief, but then remembered that they were in a hospital wing, and it sleeping in the hospital wing was _not_ a good thing. She might be injured anew. Then he realised that _he_ had been sleeping in the hospital wing... and he couldn't remember getting there. Was he injured? Apart from a nasty headache he felt fine.

"Lily!" He whispered, sitting up. Dragon's breath, that headache was worse than he thought. Lily mumbled something that sounded vaguely like '2 in the morning' and rolled over in her bed. "Lily!" He repeated in the same harsh whisper.

"What..." She mumbled, still not opening her eyes.

"Are you ok?"

"I was until you woke me up..."

"How did I get here?" He asked, not ashamed or remorseful in the least for waking her.

"_I_ brought you here you ungrateful wretch, now go back to sleep."

"No... tell me what happened."

"I'll tell you tomorrow, I'm exhausted..." James grabbed his wand from the bed stand and sent a stinging curse at her. _That_ got her up... rather more 'up' than he had wanted, for the moment she felt it strike his wand flew out of his hand directly into hers and she advanced on him, eyes blazing with sudden frightening wakefulness. His hands of their own accord snapped to his sides and she grabbed his hair pulled it hard so that his head was pulled back with it, leaving his neck exposed and vulnerable. Lily put the tip of it at his pulse point and whispered in a dead quiet voice.

"Potter, it's been a trying day. All I ask for is just 180 minutes of uninterrupted sleep. Wake me up like that again and for the next 3 weeks you'll be oozing green puss from every pore of your body like the overgrown slug you are." She thankfully forbore to snap the wand in half, which is what she clearly wanted to do. She settled for flicking him on the forehead with it. Once she seemed to have worked out her temper she went back to her bed and covered up again, but sighed after a minute, unable to go back to sleep.

"Damn you..." She muttered. "What do you want to know?" James got up carefully and sat down at the foot of her bed. He drew the curtains around them and quickly performed a silencing charm, so that any (of the two) students in the hospital wing wouldn't overhear.

"Everything." He said. Once again, Lily recounted the evening's events as she had for Alice.

"You got a chandelier to the head. I think Fenwick thought you were dead, because he didn't want me to go in the room... I could see you were still bleeding so I knew you were probably alive so I told him to let me in while he found Moody with the other two. I fixed you up and covered you with your cloak and went back to join the others..." Another description of the brief duel with the death eaters followed before she added. "Then I brought you back here while Moody and Fenwick wrapped up the official end of it. Frank has been out since he came I think, I don't know exactly what hit him. You've just been sleeping. We were worried you might have a concussion, but I guess you don't. Madame Pomfrey will check tomorrow anyway."

He remembered the dream of the chandelier and thought that might explain it. Then he remembered the _other_ dream and would have blushed had he been the blushing kind. Luckily he wasn't, so he only felt awkward, rather than looked it too. His embarrassment turned into something undiscernibly different when she said, "Your head was disgusting and bloody and rubbing off on the pillow so I washed your hair for you. You don't have to thank me, but it would be nice..."

"Erm... thank you..."

"You're welcome."

"Well Healer Evans, I have a nasty headache, what can you do for me? A bit of mother's magic like last time or perhaps something a bit more substantial?" He honestly didn't care which, he'd happily take either, and most happily take both.

"As a matter of fact I do have something for you. She said, getting out of bed.

James slumped slightly at that, and then slapped himself mentally. 'You are James Potter' he told himself. 'You can get any woman you want. You don't need to be debasing yourself for a mere kiss on the forehead... that's just pathetic.' He shuddered to think what Sirius would say...

"Here, drink this." She said when she returned.

"Will it make me fall asleep?"

"Not this one. I'll make you get back in your own bed first if you take the other one."

He downed the drink, surprised that it wasn't revolting. Most potions that are good for you are repulsive.

The pain in his head seemed to lesson instantly, for which he was thankful.

"This one?" She said questioningly.

"Do I have to take it?"

"You don't have to but I'd recommend it."

"Oh... alright. Might as well. He said getting off her bed and into his own. He drank the second potion and felt it start to take effect. He plopped down on the pillow and he felt her remove his glasses and give him a kiss on the forehead. He fell asleep with a smile on his face.


	19. In Which Rumours are Squelshed

Lily fought and won the battle with Madame Pomfrey to let her go to class on Monday morning after Alice returned to her husband's side. After a quick shower and change of robes, she gathered her books and headed off to her first lesson.

When Lily entered Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom she was immediately bombarded with questions by her classmates.

"Lily! Is it true you are with Sirius Black?"

"We all thought it was strange that he would read your essay like that until he said you were shagging."

"How did you meet him?

"How long have you been together?"

"What's Sirius Black's favourite food?"

"What hair potion does he use to make it look so silky?!"

James tried to patiently ignore the impertinent questions his students' were asking Lily. 'Damn it Sirius', he thought. He might have known he wouldn't have just taught the class and left. No, no, no... he'd have to leave his mark, which would just be more woe for Evans... as if she didn't have enough to deal with already without _this_ nonsense. A snippet reached his ears, one of Evans's classmates was making impertinent inquiries about the size of particular part of her supposed lover's anatomy...

"_**Enough**_!" he bellowed angrily above the class's continuous babble. So much for patience. Nevertheless, it effectively quieted everyone down.

Lily was laughing on the inside. She had almost forgotten in the excitement of the previous day. If Sirius hadn't warned her she might be furious right now, but instead it was just hilarious, watching her classmates with their wide eyes, asking everything about a man she hardly knew. She had been prepared to go along with Sirius's story. In fact, she had made up several steamy things to tell the girls just for kicks, but the look on Potter's face stopped her. Why was he looking at her like that? He seemed almost furious. She supposed James didn't approve of his friend's behaviour, so Lily thought she shouldn't encourage Sirius by playing along. Instead she decided she might as well set them straight. "I haven't been in the same room as Sirius Black since we were all first years in the common room. I doubt he even knows who I am... He was probably just making fun of the girl who wasn't in class..." she said. She knew this wasn't entirely true, but it was easier than explaining the real truth. For all intents and purposes she and Sirius really _shouldn't_ know each other... in fact, had it not been for that mirror it would have been entirely true.

x

"Forgive my friend's boldness, Evans. His idea of a joke, I'd expect," James said with a twinge of guilt and slightly more than a twinge of annoyance. She had said that Sirius didn't even know who she was... But she didn't know that Sirius _did _know about her because he, James, didn't have enough sense to not talk about her all the time.

"No , it's alright. I'm sure he didn't expect anyone to take him seriously, I mean the idea is just so absurd. I'm sorry everyone to let you down. I apologise, Professor, for interrupting the lesson."

"Yes, let's begin, shall we?" Potter said. He noticed Rupert lean towards her and say something that made her smile. He wondered what it was, but didn't have time to dwell on it. He tapped his wand on the board where the day's notes instantly appeared...

x

"Liar..." Rupert whispered in her ear. She grinned.

"Ok, so I lied a _little_ bit. But really it's no one else's business but mine, right?"

"Does Professor Potter know?"

"Know what?"

"That you... erm... _are in touch_ with Sirius Black?" he said, frowning slightly at his weak euphemism. Still, he couldn't seem to bring himself to say _shagging_ as Sirius had so easily done on Friday... "I mean, does he know about you two?"

"No..." she said, sounding slightly confused.

"You should at least tell Professor Potter the truth..."

"It's nothing really... just a bit of fun. It doesn't mean anything... There's nothing to tell."

"But he brought you flowers... _Lilies and petunias_... that had to have meant something."

"I suppose he was struck by a random stroke of consideration and good manners," she said sadly, being reminded of something. "Petunia came to see me..."

"I told him not to tell you..." he said. Lily was thankful that James hadn't obeyed Rupert's order, because she was glad to know her sister had come. She was just sad that she hadn't even been able to see her... it had been over 2 years now, and knowing that she had been so close... 'At least she still loves me... 'Lily thought. She hasn't forgiven me for Mum and Dad's deaths, and neither have I, but at least she still loves me...

That thought lifted her spirits. Not just for the moment , but in life. She could make it through the days a little bit easier now. She hadn't lost everything. Perhaps one day, in the future, they could be sisters again. She shook her head; she needed to focus on the lesson, seeing as Potter scolded them for talking during class.

"Sorry about Sirius," James said after the lesson. She had lingered behind as usual as she put away her things, but this time Rupert lingered with her. James didn't know how much he liked the change...

"Not at all. It was actually quite thoughtful of him. I'd much rather have to tell them that I'm not sleeping with him than having to tell them about why I wasn't in class. Thank him for me would you?"

"Come on Lily, we have Transfiguration now..." Ferris said, giving her robe sleeve a tug.

"Alright, later Potter."

'So it's back to Potter, is it?' he thought. Oh well. He supposed while in the castle it was better that way. Still, it had been nice hearing her call him James. She had such a lovely way of saying it...

She decided to go ahead and turn in her Animagi essay in transfiguration, to earn a few brownie points with McGonagall. She earned more than brownie points, but 5 house points for Gryffindor. Lily smiled as she tuned out for the rest of the lesson. She didn't need to listen about animagi, she only had to pretend to.

As she had been instructed, she went to the hospital wing during lunch so that Madame Pomfrey could take a look at her. Lily was grateful not to have to go into the Great Hall. She didn't want more people asking questions. She would let her classmates circulate the news for her. It might be safe to go to meals tomorrow.

Once Madame Pomfrey was finished she decided to make a trip to a library to get a book, then to the kitchens before Charms in half an hour.

The pear giggled after she tickled it and she turned the doorknob that appeared there.

"Might have known you'd be here..." James said as she entered. She shrugged.

"You might have... Can I have some soup please?" she asked one of the elves hovering at her waist, waiting for an order. "Just soup, it doesn't matter what kind."

"Did you go to the hospital wing?" he asked sternly.

"I just came from there."

"And?"

"I'm fine."

"Excellent." His face brightened instantly. "Want to come up to the classroom after lessons today? I have something for you..."

"Wouldn't happen to be a stack of first year essays, would it?"

"No," he said as if the question was somehow offensive.

"Second year?"

"...yes..." he said, much more quietly, shoulders slumping but eyes still bright and pleading...

Lily sighed. "Fine , fine... You know I spoil you..." He straightened up, smiling again.

Lily liked Mondays, because once she had finished Charms after lunch she was off for the rest of the day.

Only Lily and a few others actually managed to perform the spell they were working on in Charms that day. Lily felt the stares of her classmates and was unsure if they were watching her because she did the charm right on her first try or if they had heard the truth of the Sirius story or not...

At any rate, she was glad to escape to Potter's office after class. He had the third years, but she slipped in before the lesson started to just to sit in peace and quiet. She knew that right now, during his class, no one, NO ONE would come in and disturb her. For this one hour, she could completely relax. She curled up in the armchair that was in the corner of the office, away from the desk and closed her eyes, listening to the muffled sound of Potter's strong , low voice giving a lecture.

After about 40 minutes she thought she'd get a start on those essays. She looked around on his desk for the second years' and found them. She took a quill and red ink back to her chair, using one of her textbooks to use as a hard writing surface.

When Potter came in another 30 minutes later to see her working he said "That's my girl," which made Lily smile despite herself. Yes, she was being exploited, she knew that, but still... '_his girl'_...

He sat at his desk and began working, both pleased and annoyed to note that now he could grade essays, unlike before when Lily was ill in the Hospital Wing. Perhaps he would have to steal Evans anytime he needed to get work done.

"You know something, I think you help me concentrate," he said. "Perhaps it's your mad workaholic vibes rubbing off on me, but I seem to be able to get more work done when you are around..."

"That's because I'm doing your work _for_ you," she said logically.

"No... well, yes of course,... but that's not it. I can't seem to concentrate as well without you scribbling away next to me."

"Perhaps it's because you actually feel slightly guilty seeing me do your work for you, so you feel obliged to work yourself..."

"That might be it..." he said, dropping the point. If he insisted anymore to the contrary it would start to sound... _odd_.

When Lily finished her essays she sat in her chair, twirling her mer-made necklace in between her fingers. There were no jewels in it...

The stronger the curse, the more valuable and pure the stone has to be... that's why cursed objects are almost always women's jewellery... She had read it during the second half of Charms. She had taken the book out of the restricted section. She didn't have a note, but Madame Pince let her take it anyway for some reason. Perhaps she had heard from one of the teachers about her encounter with dark jewellery that weekend, and made an exception.

"Is it strange that the only two necklaces I own I found in the lake?" She asked. James looked up from his papers.

"No... Well, yes of course it's strange, but I mean it's nothing you should... feel... strange... about." It looked as if even James couldn't make sense of his own statement.

"I don't. It's just... interesting. Almost amusing," she said with a faint smile. "Well, Madame Pomfrey will be wanting me back. She insists that I stay in the Hospital Wing again tonight, even though I'm obviously fine."

"Hagrid and Mercury will be coming soon anyway."

"True..."

"You look a bit pale, Evans. When you get to the Hospital Wing you are to stay there, understood?"

"But."

"Promise me," he said determinedly. Lily sighed.

"I have no intention of leaving the Hospital Wing, I assure you. I'll see you tomorrow."

Hagrid and Mercury were there waiting for her when she arrived and they visited for a while before Madame Pomfrey kicked them out. Lily helped a bit more before Madame Pomfrey left for bed. Hagrid came back as quietly as he could at midnight, but left again shortly after, leaving Lily feeling restless and trapped. It wasn't fair that she was still stuck here. Then she remembered that she still had Potter's cloak from Sunday...

She slipped it on and crept out of the hospital wing. She made sure to draw the curtains around her bed so that no one would see that she wasn't there. Seeing as Alice was still occupying her room she headed to the astronomy tower. She lay there, enjoying the night and the stars the sky provided when an owl flew down, landing next to her. More curious than anything , she quickly undid the note attached to his leg. Not only a note, but a quill as well. And quite a lovely quill it was too.

_I hear they have you locked away in the hospital wing still... Make a break for it._

_SB_

Lily was thoroughly amused by this, and the fact that he had thought to send her a quill along. She transfigured a stone next to her into an ink pot and dipped the quill into it.

_Already did... I am secretly holed up in the astronomy tower as we speak. (The "speak" bit being a figure of speech. Obviously we are writing, but "as we correspond" just doesn't have the same ring to it...)_

_L_

The reply came very quickly. He definitely wasn't in London. With the speed of it he might have been staying in Hogsmeade...

_Atta girl. Did you get my flowers? It's very unlike you not to thank me for them... I'm beginning to feel a bit unappreciated... not a common feeling for me._

_SB_

_Flowers? I haven't gotten any since Friday in St. Mungo's. Perhaps you sent them to some other lady..._

_L_

_I don't associate with "other ladies", thank you very much... And this is just shocking. Someone must have intercepted them. My galleons are on Ferris, Rupert Ferris._

_SB_

_Nonsense, why would he or anyone do a thing like that?_

_L_

_How can one truly ever know, but he's probably just jealous._

_SB_

_There hasn't been anything between us like that for ages..._

_L_

_You presumptuous creature, assuming that it's **you** he wants..._

_SB_

_Oh, of course, tis the mighty Sirius Black with whom he's smitten..._

_L_

_I must say I made quite an impression on the boy... But I'm afraid he fails to see the humour in our little romantic charade._

_SB_

_James didn't seem best pleased either... But they weren't the only ones relieved to hear it wasn't true..._

_L_

_You told them already!? That was short lived... I had hoped to make you suffer for at least a week..._

_SB_

_No, the name Sirius Black is such that the moment the word was out you weren't my lover it spread like wild fire... All the women rejoiced that you were unattached, as your profile said in last month's witch weekly (or so I'm told.) You are a model... who knew?_

_L_

_Are you surprised? It would be a crime for anyone as good looking as I am (of course that is hypothetical, there **is** no one as good looking as I am) **not** to share it with the rest of the world._

_SB_

_How generous of you. Well, the girls are disappointed that I can't tell them every nasty detail they wanted to know about you, but ecstatic that you aren't mine... that leaves hope for the rest of them..._

_L_

_Not at all, Lily dearest. You tell them that they hope in vain... you are the only woman for me._

_SB_

_I'm not so cruel a person as to spoil their fantasies... so we can keep that information to ourselves. But you know, there were many a young man disappointed at the news that I was yours... and there was general rejoicing when word spread proclaiming the contrary... I'm quite the catch myself... (granted I'm no Witch Weekly model...)_

_L_

_I will have to go back and rectify that situation... I can't have anyone take you away from me... think of what it would do to my image. (Would you like to be a Witch Weekly model? I bet I could arrange that.)_

_SB_

_I hate to tell you this, but I am already (kind of) seeing someone... This amorous rumour confused him... (Really? Am I model material though...)_

_L_

_Frailty, thy name is Lily! You betray me and break my heart. I am going to go hide myself in my room and write self-important melancholy poetry now. I'll send it to Witch Weekly, maybe they'll print a story on how you trampled on my poor heart... And my revenge will be complete when my **loyal** (not that you understand that word) and adoring fans come after you with torches and pitchforks... But really, a boyfriend? Prongs never mentioned it. (And of course you are. You are gorgeous. I've never been turned on by a girl in her death bed more...)_

_SB_

_Sending madwomen with torches and pitchforks? That hardly seems to be the way you should treat the woman you love... tsk tsk. But it's strange he didn't tell you, it was almost his idea... ask him about it, I haven't the time to explain. The sun is rising and I need to get back into that cursed hospital wing before someone realises I'm missing..._

_It was a pleasure. Until next time..._

_Your "loving" L_

_(P.S. That's why the call me dead sexy.)_

She sent the owl and stood to leave, turning the ink back into a stone and putting both wand and quill into her robes. She was reaching to open the door when it flew open of its own accord.

"Evans!" James stood there holding a broom, looking both angry and relieved. "What are you doing here? You should be in the Hospital Wing!"

x

James had entered the hospital wing early that morning to find her gone. He searched everywhere in the castle he thought she could be, with no luck. Her room was locked with a new password so he couldn't get in, but he knew that Alice Longbottom was in there tonight... Without knowing what else to do he mirrored Sirius.

"Evening Prongs."

"Lily's gone," he said without preamble.

"Gone?" he asked unconcernedly. James could see a quill feather sway in and out of view as he wrote something.

"She's not in the hospital wing."

"Can you blame her? Poor thing's probably bored out of her mind."

"Yes, that's what I thought too, but I can't find her anywhere, not in any of the usual places."

"Does Evans have a boyfriend?" Sirius said, looking down at the parchment. He was still writing, not even bothering to look up at him.

"Why do you ask?" he asked suspiciously.

"Well, if I were an energetic red head and wanted to get out of the hospital wing in the middle of the night that's where I'd go..." he said rolling up the parchment and sent it away with an owl.

"Well, she is kind of seeing this Slytherin..." _That_ got Sirius's attention.

"_Is_ she now...?"

"Well, sort of. He's a suspected Death Eater. There isn't anything there really, I don't think anyway... She's just, doing me a kind of favour."

"Dating a Death Eater? That's quite a favour."

"_Suspected_ Death Eater. That's what we're trying to find out."

"Thatta girl... Such a good Gryffindor."

"Isn't she? Except she's AWOL at present, which worries me."

"Why couldn't she be with her Slytherin?"

"She wouldn't..."

"Wouldn't she?"

"No... she wouldn't run that risk. She's smarter than that."

"Ok well, perhaps she's just gone and hidden herself somewhere to find some peace and quiet. She'll show up in the morning, you'll see. But say, I'm in Hogsmeade now, want to meet up?"

"What are you doing in Hogsmeade?"

"Was visiting a..." Sirius cleared his throat meaningfully. "_friend_. Staying in the Hogshead, as a matter of fact."

"Sure, meet you there in half an hour?"

"Actually I feel like going for a ride. Meet me in the astronomy tower, bring a broom. We can scour the grounds looking for the little red head if you like." James gave him a scowl but agreed.

"Yes, I could go for a fly right about now. Astronomy tower, 20 minutes?"

"Deal..."

x

"You should be in the Hospital Wing!" James shouted accusatorily at Lily 20 minutes later after finding her in the astronomy tower.

"I decided to get some air." Lily defended herself. "Didn't think you would appreciate me going out on the grounds so I stayed safely in the castle..."

"You lied! You said you wouldn't leave."

"I said I had no _intention _of leaving."

"You still lied to me."

"At that time I told you that I had no intention of leaving, which was entirely true. But when something came up I felt compelled to move. I never technically promised to stay there..."

"You are so tricky it _physically _hurts... Please, please, _please_ don't do that again, you gave me a heart attack..."

"Did not..."

"_Nearly_ gave me a heart attack."

"I doubt it."

"I was really worried about you, Evans. Don't make me do it again!" he shouted. She stood there for a moment, stunned into silence by the outburst. She found her tongue (stuck somewhere in her throat) and mumbled an apology.

"I... er... M'sorry."

He took several deep steadying breaths before he spoke again. "It's alright..."

"But...What are _you_ doing here?" she finally asked. Not looking for _her_, surely...

"I'm meeting Sirius here, actually," he said looking at his watch. "The bugger's late."

Lily growled. Sirius had done that on purpose so that James would find her and get her into trouble, _the great prat_. He really _did _enjoy making her suffer, apparently. Or maybe he knew James was worried and this was his way of setting his mind at ease... Or perhaps like that rumour he started, it was both a service and prank in one?

Only Sirius Black...


	20. In Which Lily Pulls a Slytherin

In Which Lily Pulls a Slytherin

Lily made it back just in time because Hagrid and Mercury arrived only a few moments after she did. They couldn't stay as long as Lily would have hoped, because of the other people staying in the hospital wing. Luckily everyone had still been sleeping, but the sun was rising and they would wake soon. So once again Lily was left to wait by herself for a while. At least this time she would only have to wait until Madame Pomfrey woke up and inspected her, then she could go to breakfast and lessons. To pass that time, she penned a quick note to Sirius.

_Curse you, you got me in trouble. Potter was this close to boxing my ears this morning..._

_Your **hateful **L_

Satisfied, she folded it up for later when she found an owl.

Once free from the confines of the hospital wing she returned to her room briefly for shower and change. She saw the dragon's eye lying on her nightstand... James said she needed no occasion to wear it... so she put it on and left to the great hall to enjoy a nice large breakfast.

She scanned the Gryffindor table for Rupert's shining blond hair. Not seeing it, she went to sit at the Slytherin table.

"Lily!" John greeted enthusiastically.

"Good morning," said Walsh, "glad to see you up and about. John says you had pneumonia..."

"Yes, but mostly better now," Lily replied, taking a seat next to John, and putting three pieces of bacon on her plate along with eggs and toast... and just about anything else that didn't look like it came from a Hippogriff, which was nearly everything...

"Hungry?" John enquired.

"Ravenous... you have no idea how nauseating hospital wing food is."

The table laughed. John slung an arm around her casually as they continued the conversation they had obviously been having before she arrived.

"I'm going to ask permission to book the pitch for Thursday so we can get another practice in," said Walsh.

"I heard Davies already has it."

"Damn. I don't want to have it over Hogsmeade weekend... for obvious reasons. Then next week we have it once, but it's a hard week in classes. Maybe next Thursday?"

"Bit close to the match to be practicing. I'd feel better knowing we had a serious practice before that... so that if we have any kinks we can work them out in the last practice before the match," said Ed Peters.

"True..."

"Well, none of us can practice on Tuesday, because we all have that test on Wednesday. Maybe Monday?"

"Um... I think Gryffindor has the pitch," Lily said meekly. She remembered Rupert saying he had practice.

"Damn them," said Walsh. "No offence," he added in consolation to Lily.

"None taken."

"I guess I'll just have to talk to Davies, see if we can swap days."

"I doubt they'd be that obliging..." said Peters.

"We wouldn't be if it were us..." Nott noted. All three boys gave the same tilt of the head, acknowledging the point.

"I... could talk to Davies..." Lily offered.

"Would you?"

"I can't make any promises, mind. But I can mention it to him today in History of Magic... Explain the situation and say you'd like to talk about it..."

"Thank you, Evans. That would be tremendous help," said Walsh.

"Thanks Lily," John said too, daring to give her an awkward little kiss on the cheek.

"Can we stop talking about Quidditch?" Gasche asked, sounding unbelievably bored.

"Mail's here!" declared Peter as hundreds of owls flew into the Great Hall. The sight of the birds reminded her of her chiding note to Sirius. A great tawny flew down bringing a letter for John. He removed a letter from it. Before it could fly away Lily quickly asked.

"May I borrow that owl? I have a note I want to send. It's not far or anything."

"Please do," he said, putting his own unopened letter into his robes.

She took out Sirius's note and tried to attach it to the bird's leg without anyone seeing the name. She whispered to the owl "to Sirius Black, I think he's in Hogsmeade..."

The owl took two hops, then flew away.

"Lily, want to go for a walk before classes?" John asked.

"Sounds lovely."

"We'll see you later," he said, linking her arm in his and walking her out of the Great Hall. Lily was on guard; he was trying to get her on her own and she didn't trust him.

"Where are we going?" she asked innocently.

"I don't know. I thought maybe we could sit on the steps outside for a bit..."

When they got outside, Lily was hit first by a sting of cold air, then by a tingle of warmth as John turned her face by the chin and brought his lips to hers. Her heart started beating quickly, but out of pleasure or panic she couldn't tell.

"You look shocked," he said after he pulled away.

"I... just wasn't expecting it at all."

"I'll warn you in the future..." he said with a grin. "I've actually been wanting to do that for a while, but I couldn't do it in the hospital wing or the great hall, and a broom cupboard isn't exactly debonair..." Lily allowed herself to ease slightly. Even if he was a Death Eater, he wasn't making his move now. This could just be another ploy to get her to trust him. He was grinning like mad.

"What?" she asked.

"Consider yourself warned," he said. She was prepared this time, and remembered to close her eyes. She even allowed herself to enjoy it a bit. Kissing a possible death eater was like stroking a poisonous snake. Thrilling. A combination of tenderness and terror.

It had been ages, really, since she had done this. Not since she dated Rupert in 5th year, and then again, just the one time at Christmas 6th year. Sure, she had had simple pecks in between, but not since Rupert had anyone ran their fingers through her hair like that, ran a big hand along her back like that, been so reluctant to pull away from her like that...

Not until John had she realised how much she missed it. What was the point of waking that sleeping appetite now to a dish that might be deadly?

"Gryffindor and Slytherin unite at last!" he said when he pulled away a few minutes. "After centuries of turmoil... Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair... erm... Hogwarts, where we lay our scene..." Lily laughed, remembering that Juliet was the name of one of Potter's brooms. Even though they were pureblood, both Potter and Michaels seemed to like Shakespeare.

"Don't forget how that story ended though..." she said, absentmindedly putting her fingertips to the dragon's eye. It was then that John noticed the necklace and a look of shocked recognition crossed his face for the merest instant.

"Yes, well, not _exactly _like Romeo and Juliet... I just mean the coming from two opposing houses, that's all," he said, laughing nervously, his eyes darting to the necklace once again. Lily pretended not to notice his reaction, but she was definitely on high alert now. Did he recognise the necklace? Know its meaning?

"Well that's true enough."

"It's cold out here, isn't it..."

"A bit, yes..."

"How did you say you got pneumonia again?" he asked trying to sound casual. Lily thought she'd take a chance. If he knew about the necklace, then he knew, no point hiding it from him... if he didn't, then there was no harm in telling him a bit of the truth.

"Nearly drowned in the lake, actually," she said, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. His eyebrows went up in surprise, just as anyone's would, but she noticed that he stopped breathing.

"What... what were you doing in the lake?" he asked, trying to sound more causal than he felt, Lily noted. She thought most people wouldn't have tried to control their surprise when asking that question.

"Doing a detention, actually. Capturing Grindylows..." Then, taking an even bolder step added, "And look what I found. Beautiful, isn't it?" holding out the necklace for him to see. He stared at it blankly.

"It's... lovely."

"Isn't it though..."

"Just pneumonia?"

"No, other things too... like I said, I nearly drowned. There were several complications."

"How did you almost drown?" he said, now not concealing the horrified curiosity in his voice or face.

"Not quite sure," she lied. "I suppose I went into shock at finding such a beautiful necklace," she joked, laughing hollowly. He gave a weak little chuckle too. Then, in a sudden gesture, he wrapped his arms around her in a clumsy hug.

"Better keep you warm so you don't get any sicker," he said. Lily chuckled hollowly.

"Perhaps we had better go in now? Class will be starting soon anyway..."

"Oh, right. I have Herbology, so I'm going this way," he said pointing towards the greenhouses.

"Ok, see you at lunch," she said, rather impressed with herself for managing to keep her voice so natural sounding.

"Ok, later."

"Don't I at least get a warning goodbye?" she asked. This seemed to bring him out of his nervousness and he grinned again, giving her a quick kiss.

"See you at lunch then."

Very interesting indeed... Lily thought. He knows the dragon's eye...

She decided that she wouldn't tell Potter about it, it was significant, surely, but not concrete evidence, just... a strong hunch. A hunch she would most certainly pursue. This was the first thing that made her think it was more probable that was he a Death Eater than not... but the look on his face seemed to have been genuine surprise, horror, and concern...

She was determined to do a bit of investigating this evening and wondered why she hadn't done it before now...

Lily was glad to get back into the warmth of the castle. She took the steps two at a time as she flew to make it History of Magic a bit early.

She managed to find Davies before class started and spoke her piece. Then she took her usual seat on the front right, next to the window. Rupert showed up at the last minute out of breath. He plopped down in the seat next to her and groaned.

"What's happened to you?"

"I woke up 10 minutes ago, that's what happened to me. Missed breakfast and both my socks," he said lifting his pant leg. Indeed, he wasn't wearing any socks. "And now that I'm here... I'm going back to sleep," he said, resting his head on the desk.

"Why did you even bother to come then?"

"Because... when I woke up I wasn't thinking, 'Oh no, 10 minutes till double History of Magic' it was just a crazy panicked blur. If I had been thinking clearly I certainly would have stayed in bed. I was thinking I had Transfiguration until I realised it was Wednesday..."

"Shh..." she hushed him as Binns floated in and began lecturing. She didn't hush him because she wanted to listen, but because the spell she used for this class transcribed what was being spoken to the written page. The downside to this is that it's the nearest voice that it takes down, so if Rupert whispered anything in class, it would write down his words instead of Binns's lecture. Rupert knew this routine by now, so he obediently fell silent and within 5 minutes was fast asleep, drooling contentedly on his transfiguration textbook.

Lily was actually paying attention for the most part, until 20 minutes into the lesson when an owl started pecking at the window. Startled, Rupert sat up quickly. She put her fingers to her lips, indicating not to say anything, then opened the window to let the jet black owl (and a frosty breeze) in.

She took the note off the owl's leg and opened it.

_A thousand apologies, dearest darling beloved. It seems we must both suffer for our love._

_SB_

Rupert leaned over and read the letter with a frown. She gave him a shrug. She'd have to wait until later to explain it. Since her quill was busy she reached over to grab Roo's and wrote a response, sending the owl back out the window and closing it quickly. She had written...

_Why do I get the distinct impression that** I'm** the only one suffering?_

_L_

She turned around cautiously to the rest of the class and sure enough, they were all looking at her rather than paying attention to the lecture. She gave them all one of her biggest smiles and 'What's a girl to do' shrug before turning back to pay attention to Binns.

Sirius must still have been in Hogsmeade, because the same ebony owl returned two more times during class. Rupert's nose visibly wrinkled when he read the next missive.

_What do you mean? Do you think not being able to look at your beautiful face isn't torturous? I can barely remember what you look like... Now I have no clear picture in my mind when I'm wanking._

_SB  
_

_Charming..._

_L_

_I'm Sirius Black, I **exude** charm... but I'm not just being dramatic when I say I'm suffering. I really am. I won't trouble you with the details now. It's not something one writes in a letter. Perhaps I will see you soon..._

_SB_

That had been an interesting reply. Did he truly intend on seeing her in person? Or did he mean through the mirrors, like the last times. And what on earth could he have to talk to her about?

Lily wondered about it through the rest of class. The lecture ended and Lily put an end to the spell on her quill, and made a note of the ridiculously unfair amount of homework Binns was assigning.

She slung her bag off her shoulder and collapsed into one of the armchairs in Potter's office that evening after classes.

"I think Binns's mission in death is to turn us all into ghosts like him, trying to kill us with overwork."

"Shut up, you enjoy it. You love nothing more than being overworked," he said from behind his Prophet.

She was about to open her mouth to protest, but realised that what he said had been completely true, so she shut it again. She liked keeping busy. So busy that she didn't have time to think about anything other than the many tasks at hand. It kept her sane, gave her something to focus on. She filled the void in her heart with work...

Something hit her in the chest and fell into her lap. It was a chocolate frog. She looked over to Potter, who was opening a chocolate frog of his own. He popped the bonbon of an amphibian into his mouth and inspected the card before tossing it into the bin beside his desk.

"Do you collect them?" She asked, opening up her own frog, snatching it quickly after it made a desperate attempt to hop away.

"Not anymore. Still can't help but look though."

Lily bit into hers and looked at the card.

"Helga Hufflepuff," she said.

"Really?" he said with excitement he wasn't able to completely contain. "The founders are really rare."

"I thought you didn't collect..." she said raising an eyebrow.

"I don't," he said quickly, "I just... thought I'd let you know."

"Alright," she said shrugging her shoulders. She made a mental note to "accidentally" leave it in his office anyway. Wiping away chocolate bits from her face she adjusted herself in her seat and pulled out a text book.

"By the way, do you know where my invisibility cloak is?" he asked.

"I have it in my room... took it from you when you were knocked out at Uppingham."

James gave a grateful nod as a knock sounded at his office door.

"Disappear," he commanded quietly. Looking around the tiny bureau she didn't see anywhere she could really conceal herself unless she crawled into one of the chests, but they were bound to be full of his things. He stood to open the door and she dove into the only other possible place, under his desk. She heard the sound of the big door opening.

"Professor Potter?"

"Davies, come in," he said to the Gryffindor Quidditch captain.

James sat back down at his desk, making Lily squish into the back. She had a sneaking suspicion he was taking up as much room as he could to make her as uncomfortable as possible. With his lower half right there in front of her, he was completely defenceless and at her mercy. 24 different spells, curses, and general mischievous things she could do passed through her head... the most innocent being tying his shoelaces together, the least innocent being... well... obviously _not innocent_.

"I wanted to ask you for some advice..." Davies said.

"Go ahead..."

"Well, you know we play Slytherin next weekend. We've already booked the pitch for Monday, fair and square..."

"Yes..."

"But today, Lily Evans said that the Slytherin team had a complication with their players' schedules and can only practice on Monday, and were willing to swap us for Wednesday."

"Mmhmm..."

"Well, I talked to the team, and everyone say's they are free on Wednesday, but it was noted by a few members that keeping our time on Monday gives us an advantage, by denying them practice time..."

"True..."

"And that if the tables were turned, the Slytherins wouldn't trade with _us_ if _we_ asked..."

"Probably..."

"Normally, I would say no way. We booked it a month in advance, and the Slytherins can just shove their brooms up their..."

"Yes, alright... but what's the problem?"

"Well, Lily Evans said that we should give it to them."

"_Did_ she?"

"Yes..."

"But you are the captain of the Gryffindor team, are you not?"

"I am, but she's Head Girl."

"Irrelevant," James said. Lily gave him a pinch in the calf.

"She said that it was true the Slytherins wouldn't have exchanged with us if we needed it, but then she told me to stop and think of why I'm not in Slytherin..."

"So you are going to take Miss Evans's advice and do the sportsmanlike thing?"

"What would _you_ do? You were the greatest Quidditch captain Gryffindor, no, _Hogwarts_ has seen. You were undefeated."

"Well, no one wants a Slytherin victory, but even if I _booked the pitch_ fair and square, I wouldn't be satisfied in the victory if I didn't know I had _beaten_ them fair and square... I wouldn't want to give them any excuse for losing other than Gryffindor simply being the better team... And if I lost, I'd at least know I did the right thing..."

"Evans said that too, and Ferris agrees. He said we should listen to her..." Lily beamed in a surge of affection for Rupert.

"But you are captain. It is ultimately your decision."

"I am meeting Walsh after dinner tonight to give him an answer."

"Well, best of luck to you and Gryffindor."

"Right. Thanks Professor."

Lily heard his footsteps lead away and the door close behind them, and after that the fainter sound of the classroom door closing. Only then did James scoot back from his desk and let Lily out.

"We need to talk," he said as soon as she had crawled out and retaken her seat in the corner.

"What?"

"You are being used."

"Excuse me?"

"The Slytherins. They are using you. They got you to haggle with Davies for them. They knew he would listen to you over them..."

"I would have told Davies the exact same thing even if I weren't... I mean… I would have told him that no matter what. And besides, I did it to make _them_ trust _me_."

"Well... ok fair enough, but it's not just that. I'm talk about in general. I've noticed it the past few days... You, and the other girls in that little Slytherin group, you are all being used."

"What are you talking about? I don't know about the other girls but I haven't been _used_. Well, I mean, there was a bit of snogging... but I would hardly consider that..."

"Gross, Evans. Just gross. I don't want to hear about any... sliminess..." He shuddered. "That's not what I meant when I said 'used,'" he said looking genuinely disgusted.

"Then care to elucidate? Because you are being a fair side more than vague."

"Don't you see Evans? It's a Slytherin display of power. They are showing off!"

"Power of what? Showing off what? Make sense!"

James groaned, not wanting to have to explain it.

"Abbot? Isaacs? You?" What do you all have in common?"

"We are all muggleborn."

"Yes, and I do think that plays a part underneath, but on the outside, for the outward appearance, what are you three?"

Lily was stumped, she had no idea. "I don't know..."

"Come on Evans, you don't see that they took the house beauties for themselves? As prizes of Slytherin?"

"House beauties?"

"Yes."

"Come off it Potter..."

"Seriously. Not only do I have eyes, but I've heard from the guys on the Gryffindor Quidditch team. You are the four. Abbot, the beauty of Hufflepuff, Isaacs, the beauty of Ravenclaw, Gasche, the beauty of Slytherin, and you, not only the beauty of Gryffindor, their arch enemy, but Head Girl to boot. Every guy in Hogwarts wants to be a Slytherin right now."

"Even if what you say is true, what does that achieve? What do they accomplish with this display?"

"It's just a message: Slytherin power. Slytherin owns all 4 of Hogwarts' assets. Not only their own house's prize but they have all of the others' too. By grouping you four girls together in their own circle, they've elevated their status. Surely you see how other people would see that?"

Lily slowly began to understand. She was flattered by being considered by the entire school the beauty of Gryffindor, but she was annoyed that she was being used to give Slytherin more power. And all of them had serious possible connections with Death Eaters... "They are making evil look as enticing as possible..." she said, almost numbly.

"Exactly. By continuing to be with them, you three are giving them more power and influence over the students."

"So, what should I do? Break it off and then you never find out the truth..."

"Just don't spend too much time together where the world can see you."

"So, you want me to spend time alone with him? That's the exact opposite of what you've been telling me all week!"

"That's not it. I'm just saying keep a low profile, and don't allow yourself to be paraded about like some kind of... of... trophy. And don't appear like you are helping them with anything. Don't do anymore favours like you did today."

"But it was only fair."

"I know that, but for now you have other things to consider."

"Fine, but I'm going to hold onto your cloak for this evening. I want to see how this little meeting goes..." she said.

"Feel free."

"Thank you..." Of course it wasn't only reason she needed the cloak. She had decided she would make a visit to the Slytherin Common Room tonight... As head girl she already had the password.

"Sirius..." he whined into the mirror when Lily had left.

"Prongs, Prongs, Prongs... this is insupportable."

"It's not even 8!" he protested, thinking Sirius had been criticising the time of the call.

"No..." Sirius said, voice dripping with disingenuous patience. "It's insupportable that one girl has you so undone. Get a hold of yourself."

"But she snogged the Slytherin!" This seemed to shock Sirius out of his condescending humour.

"Ew..."

"Tell me about it."

"Going a bit above and beyond the call of duty, eh?"

"It was an expression Padfoot. Don't_ actually_ tell me about it."

"Then why did you mention it if you didn't want to talk about it."

"I just wanted someone else to appreciate the perversity of it all."

"I'm sure she didn't mean it, Prongs. Just part of the job... I mean, who would willingly pull a Slytherin?"

"But Evans is different. She doesn't share the generally accepted view of Slytherins. And this particular Slytherin is... less slimy than most."

"So on a scale of 1 to **_Me_**, what is he?"

"Somewhere between an 8 and a 9? I don't know. He's a wavy blond haired, blue eyed Quidditch player."

"He sounds disgusting. Evans should be with someone older, wiser, more mature... someone who shares the same dreams as she does, someone she can really depend on..." Sirius said earnestly. "Someone... like me."

"Padfoot..."

"What?"

"Just... no."

"You keep talking about her, how am I not supposed to be interested? She will be mine one day, just you wait."

"You great prat."

"What? If _you_ don't want her, then what's stopping me?"

"You aren't her type."

"You don't sound so convinced of that yourself..."

"And you aren't touching any of my students..."

"So you are saying that you would be cross with me if I told you I shagged Victoria White?"

No, James couldn't give a fuck what Sirius did with Victoria White. She was a lousy student, didn't care about learning at all, didn't care about Defense Against the Dark Arts or the world around her. But James knew he hadn't touched White. If he did, she would have talked about it and he would have heard.

"If you did then I'd punch you in the face, then you'd lose your livelihood. Plus you'd get me in huge trouble. I chose you to be my substitute, and you would have used that position to take advantage of a student. Did you?"

"No."

"Are you lying?" he asked, knowing that he wasn't.

"No. Didn't touch her. Thought about it, though... But didn't want to ruin my chances with Evans..."

"You _have_ no chances with Evans."

"Says you."

"Seriously, Padfoot. It's not funny."

"It is, actually. I'm going to keep at it until you admit that you want her. That is the only reason that would keep me from going for a woman..."

"I don't want her, but she is a... a friend and I've seen what you do to women, mate. I won't let you do that to Evans, just like I wouldn't let you touch Dorcas..."

"Ah Meadowes... An excellent seeker."

"Indeed she was."

"You shag her?"

"No. She was my friend, my team-mate. That's my point..."

"So, your sole objection would be you doubted my intentions? It has nothing to do with your personal feelings towards her?"

"Exactly."

"Alright. I will do you the respect of pretending to believe what you say."

"I suppose that's all I can ask..." James sighed. This matchmaking business, Sirius thought, would be much easier if at least _one_ of them would cooperate, but apparently not. In that case, he would have to be even more underhanded than usual...

"Alright, I'm going to go, but I want you to think of one thing..."

"What?"

"Why would I go through all this trouble if all I wanted was sex?"

Once again, Sirius left before James could respond. He was always doing that.

But it was a fair question. Why _would_ he go through all that trouble if he just wanted to get Evans into bed? He wouldn't. Which would mean he was genuinely interested, which wasn't likely, because he had never even spoken to Evans. He knew didn't even know anything about her outside of what he told him himself (which to be fair, was quite a bit but still not enough to form an attachment). Either that or he was doing it deliberately to get under his skin... Of course he couldn't count out the possibility that he was simply talking out of his arse as he was known to do upon occasion... Agrument for argument's sake just so he could be the devil's advocate.

Or perhaps Sirius was just being Sirius... _whatever that meant_.


	21. In Which a Plot is Uncovered

Lily dined at the Slytherin table late that night, Potter's cloak discreetly tucked away under her robes. Her wand, she knew because she checked every minute, was in her pocket.

"Well, time to go meet Davies..." Walsh said giving the boys a look and standing to leave.

"I've got lots of work to do, so I'll see you tomorrow," John told her.

"I'll walk out with you. I'm going back to my common room; I have loads of work as well."

The group of them got up and left. To Lily's truncated frustration, she noticed several people watching them. This was what Potter had been talking about. Oh well too late now...

"Warning," John said after they left the great hall to part directions. She turned around to accept the quick kiss before walking off in the opposite direction. The moment she knew she was out of sight she threw the cloak on over her and turned back to follow them. They stayed together as they walked towards the library.

"Four against one? Aren't I a bit overmatched?" Davies said coolly.

"This isn't a fight, we just want to talk," Walsh said sounding very businesslike.

"Very well, I'm listening."

"I don't know what Evans may or may not have told you, but our team can't practice as one on any day next week but Monday..."

"And Gryffindor has the pitch."

"Exactly. We were wondering if you would be good enough to swap with us with Wednesday."

"Yes, she mentioned it."

"Well?"

"I had a talk to the lads... and they don't think we should give up the pitch."

"I see..." said Walsh, sounding very displeased.

"And I don't want to either, really, but I'm going to anyway..."

"Really?" John said, but with a look from Walsh fell silent.

"Really," Davies said, "You can thank your girlfriend, Michaels."

"I'll thank you," he replied, holding his hand to him. Davies seemed to be impressed with this response, and shook the proffered hand.

"May the best team win next weekend," he concluded, then turned and walked away. The four boys stood there for a minute, watching the Gryffindor Quidditch Captain leave.

"Well that was easy," said Peters giving John a slap on the back. "3 cheers for Evans, eh?"

"Shut it," John said embarrassedly.

"Back to the dormitory at 11. We need to discuss John's owl..."

The group split up and went separate ways. Lily followed silently on the heels of Edmond and John all the way down to the dungeons. Peters gave the password (_venom_) and they entered, Lily slipping in behind just before the wall slid closed.

It was still 2 and a half hours until they were scheduled to have their discussion in the dormitory. The two boys simply got out their homework and sat at one of the cold looking tables along the stone wall, next to a long green and silver tapestry that was in and of itself very serpentine. Rather than hover behind them, making silent corrections in her head she wandered carefully around the common room, trying to avoid running into people. The Slytherin common room, she thought, wasn't at all what James must imagine it to be, some snake pit in the ground where all the Slytherins slither through each other, hissing and biting each other in some mad, dark, wicked orgy. It was very much like Gryffindor common room, the colours were different and it didn't seem as lively at all, but everyone seemed to be working hard, or chatting easily with friends. She overheard mundane conversations, like who was dating whom, what homework was assigned for which class, general gossip and complaints. Nothing evil or suspect at all.

Lily was ¾ bored out of her skull when Walsh and Nott came in at 11 o'clock exactly. By then most of the common room had emptied, but Ed and John were still working. Walsh gave them a look and both boys closed their books and put them away in their bags.

They didn't say a word until they were all in the boys' dormitory. Lily followed behind closely to make sure she would get in before they closed, the door, but she needn't have bothered. There one other dorm mate was already in bed, reading by wand light. Lily recognized him from Transfiguration, Dan Quayle.

"Out," Walsh ordered to Quayle.

"What? No. This is my dormitory to you can't just..."

"Nott!" he snarled. Nott straightened at the order and approached Quayle's bed. Not even bothering to use magic he lifted him bodily out of his four poster and dragged him out of the room. He returned a moment later, sitting down on what Lily assumed to be his own bed, looking quite pleased with himself. Walsh did not seem to be, he glared at the door, then back to Nott.

"Shut it," he barked. He could have shut it magically, but it was the principle of the thing. He wanted Nott to develop good habits.

"Well?" Walsh asked, the moment the door had been shut and locked. Lily felt uncomfortably trapped...

"They... aren't exactly pleased. I never received it, it must have gotten lost in the post." John said.

"_That_, getting lost in the post?"

"I don't know, alright?" John said defensively. "It just never got here."

"So we will just have to find another way..."

"Do we _have_ to do Evans?"

"Don't tell me you've actually fallen for your mudblood girlfriend."

Michaels shifted uncomfortably. "But she was reading about the dark arts when I met her. I think she might be interested in..."

"It was probably _defence_," Walsh countered.

"It wasn't. It was restricted section material. The Darkest of the Death Arts..."

The others looked a bit surprised by this, but it didn't change their minds.

"Even so they would never accept her. She is a mudblood. It's our job to get rid of them, not bring them in..." said Nott.

"But think of how helpful she could be to us! She's Head Girl, not to mention she is by far the most talented in the school..."

"Rumour has it she bested Potter in a wordless duel, and that she doesn't even need a wand to do magic..." Peters said, seemingly convinced with Michaels's argument.

"And I know personally that she creates her own spells! If she were an ally..."

"No. That only means we will have to be even more careful. She is a _Gryffindor_ and a _mudblood_. Why would she be on our side after we killed her parents? No. We must not go against the dark lord's wishes. All 3 must die."

"Easy for you to say! Yours doesn't have to die. Gasche is a pureblood Slytherin!"

"What can I say? I have excellent taste..."

"Why you..."

"Now do you really want to disobey the Dark Lord? Are your pretty little girlfriends worth it? Worth betraying the greatest wizard of our age? Your master? Worth dying for?"

They sighed and bowed their heads.

"Good," he continued, "so, this weekend in Hogsmeade. You all had better practice, there is no room for _another_ failure," he said, looking pointedly at John and getting up, leaving for who knows where, perhaps his girlfriend's room. The other boys went to their own beds. John brooded for a while.

"He's right you know. We have to do it," said Nott.

John said nothing; he simply rose to the door. Lily knew that she would have to leave before the door was closed, otherwise she would be stuck there all night, or until Quayle came back... She slipped out silently and the door shut behind her. The moment she left the Slytherin common room she sprinted to Potter's office.

James awoke to the sounding someone pounding at his door. He put on his glasses and opened the door to find a very flustered Lily Evans. She was thrusting something at him.

"Take it! Just take it!"

"Take? What are you on about?" He looked at the glass dish she was shoving to him. Something silvery floated in it.

Once he had fully woken up he realized what was going on. Lily had removed a memory and placed it in a small, unused ash tray on a shelf in his office and wanted him to look at it.

"What is it?"

"It's a memory you should see... at once," she said, and proceeded to explain what she had done as succinctly and informatively as possible.

He considered her for a long moment. She had used his cloak and followed them into the Slytherin dormitory to spy on them. He was somehow very angry with her and proud of her at the same time. He repressed the urge to pull her in for hug, instead saying, "Come on. We have to go to Dumbledore. Now."

She nodded in silent agreement. He strode into his room, grabbed his wand and they left together for Dumbledore's office, taking the ashtray with them.

"Sugar Quill," James said to the gargoyle. It moved aside and let them board the staircase that moved upwards like an escalator.

"Ah… Professor Potter and Miss Evans... or perhaps I should say James and Lily?"

"We don't come as Professor and student."

"As I suspected by the looks on your faces..."

"You have a pensieve, yes?"

"I do."

"There is something you ought to see..." he said, handing the headmaster the ashtray with Lily's memory in it. Dumbledore took his time retrieving the pensieve from its place, hidden away in a bottom shelf in his office. He tipped the memory in with the rest of them and looked into the basin, studying Walsh's and John's faces that swirled there.

"Cheers," Dumbledore said lightly, before he leaned over the bowl. The moment the tip of his lengthy crooked nose touched the swirling surface, he disappeared and James followed after him. Minutes later they resurfaced, a grim expression on both faces.

"This is your own memory, Miss Evans?"

"Yes, sir."

"She used my cloak..." James added.

"Yes, of course."

"Who does he mean by 'all three?'"

"I'm almost certain the other two are Shannon Isaacs and Polly Abbot."

"Ah. I see... So, it behoves us to hold another order meeting before this weekend..."

Lily and James left Dumbledore's office after that, with nothing really to say. James felt like he should put his arm around her, but fought the impulse. She might appreciate the gesture, but teachers and disobedient, curfew-breaking students may still be about. Down the staircases, down the corridors they passed the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. James stopped and Lily kept going.

"Aren't you coming in?"

"I can't... I have to feed Mercury."

"Lily."

"I'm going to Hagrid's. That is a fact. You can come with me, or you can stay here."

"You can't ignore it."

"I'm not ignoring it. I'm simply dealing with the more pressing issue... Mercury needs to be fed now. They will still want to kill me when I get back." She said with a sassy sort of indifference.

"Come in. We need to talk about it. I'll make some tea."

"I can have tea at Hagrid's..."

"Evans..."

"Potter, please? I really want to see Hagrid right now."

Not for the first time, James was jealous. Wasn't he good enough? Did she not feel comfortable or safe with him? Yes, he knew that she had Hagrid had been friends for 7 years now, but surely all they had already been through these past few weeks would count for something? She called him James, for Merlin's sake. She never called Hagrid 'Rubeus.'

Despite his frustration, he still couldn't let her go out on her own, so he followed her downstairs and out the front doors, where they met Hagrid and Mercury on the lawn.

"Oh. Hi Lily. Didn't know if you'd still be in the hospital wing..."

"I was just about to come see you... I've been released, so has Frank Longbottom."

"Wonderful."

"Isn't it? You know, I could really go for a cup of tea right now..."

"Course, Lily," Hagrid said pleasantly. "You are looking much better."

"I feel much better!" she said with a wide smile. Potter kept silent.

"Still, been busy weekend for you hasn't it? You need to take it easy and relax. Looking forward to Hogsmeade this weekend?"

"I am," she replied easily. James was shocked. Hadn't she wanted to come over here to seek comfort in Hagrid? Was she only not doing it because he was there? "It's been a while. I need to restock on a lot of things," she added.

"Going with Rupert?"

"No, he's taking Emma."

"Look," James interrupted. "I have some stuff I could be doing up at the castle, so... if you don't need me I'll just..." Bugger off, he finished in his head.

"Alright," said Hagrid, "I don't mind bringing her back."

"Thanks, G'night," he said walking out the door.

"Potter!" she called after him. He stopped and popped his head back in.

"Hmm?"

"Fancy a game of chess later?"

"Only if you feel like losing."

"Don't forget."

"I won't."

"Sure you don't need a Remembrall?"

"Of course not, I'll be there, ready to win," he said. 'Well, even if she'd rather talk to Hagrid than me, she's at least talking to someone... and it's not like she's completely blanking me either,' he thought.

"Can Mercury come inside?" Lily asked once Potter was gone.

"Sure," said Hagrid, reaching over to open the back door without even leaving his seat. Mercury strode in, making the tiny hut even tinier, but all the cosier for it.

James strode back into the castle feeling slightly better about things. Only slightly. Yes, it was somewhat rewarding to have Evans ask him for once to come over instead of him just barging in as he usual did... but the big, worrying problem was still there. There was a group of Death Eaters in Hogwarts, and they wanted to kill Lily. Well... they wanted to kill Abbot and Isaacs as well, and they were equally important, he reminded himself.

When he got back to his office he reread the dossier on the Hogwarts students that were considered potential targets. Lily Evan's name was right there at the top of the list, but Isaacs and Abbot were much further down, in the yellow, only in danger because they were muggleborn. Why all three? Why now? Lily, he somewhat understood. He knew that she had been a longstanding target, even though he didn't know why. The Dark Lord had for some reason singled her out. Then she had escaped him, and perhaps he didn't want to leave a job unfinished. He had tried again, only to fail again, which would probably serve to strengthen his resolve in killing her. That much made sense. Why she was targeted in the first place remained a mystery. Perhaps a random attack on a muggle born and her family... and maybe that accounted for the other two beauties... Or was there some darker meaning there?

How did Voldemort imagine that the boys would get away with murder under Dumbledore's nose? Surely he knew the boys would be caught and sent to Azkaban, but somehow he didn't see Voldemort caring very much about a few youths going to prison. Why go through all that trouble just for 3 girls? Three muggleborns, yes, understandable, but why would Voldemort consider it worth the effort? Perhaps it was a message... to Dumbledore and to Hogwarts, getting rid of 3 people who represented their houses, leaving only Slytherin's. A statement? Wanting to cause of bit of panic and mayhem inside the castle walls? Who knew...

He looked at Lily's file; there was a picture of her clipped to the front. She had been 14, the time of her parents' murder. She hadn't changed much. Well, more womanly, feminine, more beautiful now, but he could tell by the picture that she had always been pretty. Four years had passed since then, and in 4 years from now she would be even more beautiful, though he would scarcely believe it possible he knew it to be true, and couldn't wait to know her for another 4 years.

A camera, he had one around here somewhere. He searched in every single trunk he owned, only finding it, of course, in the very last one. It was about time he updated Lily Evans's profile.

He put various papers in his briefcase, auror work and school work, profiles and essays, and left his office for the head girl's room.

"_Vigilance_," he told the portrait, but this time it remained shut. "Bollocks..." he hissed under his breath. "She's changed the password. What would it be? She must have already told me somehow, I just need to remember it... What has she said to me today that sounded like it could be a password? What stood out? Think! Remember!" he told himself.

"_Chess,_" he tried, but no luck. "_Remembrall?_" he tried again, this time with success. The portrait opened and he went in, starting a fire in the fireplace so it would be nice and warm when she got back. The table was as it had been the last time he was there. Books and the chess set, but something else caught his eye. A note seemed to be on the chessboard, one of the castles used as a paperweight. Unable to stop himself from snooping (he told himself it was the auror in him) he read it.

_Dear Lily,_

_Thank you for letting me use your room while Frank was here. I was hoping to see you before we had to leave but you were in class. I hope to see you soon._

_Alice Longbottom_

Bit boring, but James was not about to chide her for it. He sat down on the couch and placed his work in front of him on the table.

"I've changed the password back to _vigilance_ now," Lily said when she entered nearly an hour later.

"Really? I thought _remembrall_ was a nice change."

"I'm proud of you for getting it."

"You made it pretty clear. I got it on my second try."

"What was the first?" she said plopping down on the couch next to him.

"Chess."

"Ah."

"So, what does Hagrid think about the whole Hogsmeade plot?" James asked.

"I didn't tell him. I couldn't make him worry again. He might storm into the castle and beat them to a bloody pulp before I could finish telling him not to."

'Might not be a bad idea,' James thought.

"That's not why I went over there, either. I just wanted to sit back in a familiar warm comforting place and listen to a familiar, warm, comforting voice."

"I've often been told that _my_ voice is quite melodious..." James said.

"Ha. Yes, I see it now, trying to find reassurance in your cramped uncomfortable office, listening to your _melodious_ voice yell at me."

"I don't yell at you!"

"Um..." she said raising her eyebrows at him. James growled and lowered his voice.

"I don't _yell_ at you... I just have... volume control issues," he mumbled.

"Even so, it just couldn't be the same as Hagrid's. I have so many... calm, stress-less memories there. You have to admit _our_ time together hasn't exactly been hassle free. In fact, it's pretty much been nothing but work or dangerous/painful/stressful situations since I've known you."

"I thought you liked work and dangerous/stressful situations..."

"I love them, thrive on them, but one does need a break from it now and again."

"That's not fair. I don't want you to associate me with stress."

"Not _just _stress... I also associate you with... cheese."

"Oh excellent," he said sarcastically.

"And flying," she appeased.

"Well that _is _good!" he said, sounding more satisfied.

"But cheese and flying can't replace a relaxing, warm atmosphere. You can't just sink into cheese or take a nap or have tea cuddled up on a broomstick. It lacks cosiness."

James had to admit this was all true, and made a vow in his head to make more cosy memories with her, then changed the vow for being awkwardly worded, then changed it back again. He liked it that way. He wouldn't admit it aloud to anyone, but he wanted more cosy moments with her. She was in some ways, a very sweet lovable girl, soft and... erm... perhaps he should change it after all... Cuddly? No, that was just as bad. Tender?... No, that was even worse somehow. Relaxing? Yes, that would do. He wanted to spend more time more time relaxing with his _friend_, Evans. No cuddling or anything...

He sighed... he was terrible, absolutely terrible. That sounded lame and unconvincing even to _him_...

"_We_ were pretty cosy on a broomstick..." he retorted. What?! Where had that come from! That wasn't supposed to come out at all, he wasn't even _thinking _that. Damn it, Sirius! He wasn't sure how it was Sirius's fault, but he knew it had to be... It was just like Sirius to say something completely tactless, immoral, inappropriate... _and true._

"Oh ha ha..." she said, "Yes, hurtling at high speeds nearly crashing into the lake... Very relaxing..." James sighed. Oh thank Merlin she thought I was being sarcastic...

"Well, we can relax now, and enjoy a game of chess..."

"We aren't playing chess."

"But you said..."

"I said that to get you to come here. We are going to talk about this weekend, of course. I told you I wasn't going to ignore the problem. I want to brainstorm with you before the order meeting. I think we should already have a plan to propose to the rest of them..."

Yes... That was the Lily Evans he knew and lo... erm... the Lily Evans he knew... She had had her little moment of comfort and now she was back in the game.

"Is there any way that magical law enforcement can take them now?"

"With only your memory for evidence? No. Unfortunately, the legal system being what it is, we can't take them for attempted murder until they actually... make... an attempt."

"But they admitted to being loyal to Voldemort!"

"Your memory isn't viable evidence. Memories can be doctored, and especially with you recent medical history..."

"I suppose spending time in St. Mungo's mental ward a few days previous would damage my credibility, yes, I see that. But at least _you_ know now... I mean, that was your job, right? To find out if there are any Death Eaters in Hogwarts? You know the truth, now it's just a matter of proving it."  
"Yes, and I can't see a way that will stick. Nowadays it's hard to tell, even in the ministry, who is and isn't on the dark lord's side... "

"You already said a way..."

"Did I?"

"Yes, you just have to wait for them to make the attempt."

"Lily that's not funny."

"I wasn't joking. Let him take me to Hogsmeade, have you and other members following me, when they try, stop them and arrest them."

"No! That is by far the stupidest idea you've ever had! What if they succeed? We don't know how they intend to do it, what if we can't stop them? The killing curse is unstoppable."

Lily sniffed at this. She knew one day she would find a way to repel _Avada Kedavra. _For the love of her parents, she vowed that _none of her blood shall ever die from that curse again... _

"I know that, unfortunately," she said. She was getting better. Talking about her parents' murder wasn't as heartbreaking as it used to be. Now she could say things like that without feeling like crying.

James wanted to kick himself. She'd seen it done, of course she knew that. _Everyone_ knew that the killing curse was unstoppable. Why did he feel the need to point out the painfully obvious?

"I'm saying that it's too great a risk to take."

"I think it's too risky not to. If they don't do it in Hogsmeade they will certainly try again, and the next time we might not know when or where. At least we have some advantage here. You said yourself you can't do anything to them without reasonable cause... if they don't do it this weekend then they stay at Hogwarts indefinitely, until they finally do strike. Plus, think of the other girls..."

"Who?"

"Isaacs and Abbot."

"Oh, right."

"They are much safer this way. No matter what happens, if I go to Hogsmeade this weekend, they will be saved. We can keep them from going. If the boys try to kill me and fail, then you put them away in Azkaban for attempted murder, and they won't be able to hurt the other girls. If they get away with it, then you put them away for murder, and they _still _can't hurt anyone else."

"Don't talk like that."

"Like what? I think it's a pretty optimistic attitude. It's a win-win. Either way, you get an arrest..."

"Optimistic? Win-win? What part of you dying do you see as a good thing?"

"I already told you. You get them on the murder charge and they are locked away and that will keep them from harming anyone else."

"Lily, listen to yourself! Do you know what you are saying? I'm not going to let you risk your life like this."

"So you are going to let the rest of the students at this school unwittingly risk theirs?" she said coolly. "By keeping those boys at Hogwarts, you are endangering them and they don't even know it. _I_ know it. I know the risks I'm taking. Better one girl than 3. Better one student than many. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices..."

"You are not going to be a sacrifice!" he yelled. Honestly, that death smear was out of control. Curse that necklace and whoever put it there...

"What if you succeed? What if they don't kill me? What if you arrest them and no one gets hurt?"

"What if we don't?"

"Then the loss is still worth it. My life for who knows how many others..."

"It's not!" he roared. "There has to be a different way."

"If you have a better idea, I'm all ears..."

Yeah, he had loads of better ideas, like lock her in her dungeons so that no one can get in and she can't get out, then setting Hagrid loose on the Slytherins, for one. But he knew she was right. He couldn't let his nepotism get in the way. Perhaps the order would be able to think of something better... Surely Dumbledore has a plan...

"How about we play a game of chess..." he said.

"Now who's ignoring the problem?" she said, but not accusingly, for she rose to bring the chess set over to them at the same time. She returned with a smile, placing the set in between them on the couch.

"Did you see the note?"

"I did. Bit bland."

"I thought so too. White or Black?"

"_Black_..." she said with a smile, letting the word drip slowly from her mouth as if it was sweet tasting and wanted to keep it there for as long as possible... as if the word contained some delicious meaning that had nothing to do with the colour of the chess pieces...

James narrowed his eyes at her. _Damn it, Sirius, what have you done?_ He thought. But he was getting ahead of himself, letting Sirius's taunts get to him. He was putting too much thought into the way she pronounced one word. _Snap out of it, the world is not conspiring to take Lily away from you..._

"I go first then..."

James won again, which Lily didn't really seem to mind. James suspected her mind hadn't really been focused on the game anyway.

"A knut for your thoughts?" he said, not sure if he actually wanted to know.

"I was thinking..." she said as she slid off the couch and under the table, "that I could really go for roasting some marshmallows in the fire." She lay on her stomach, elbows on the ground holding her head in her hands as she stared into the flames.

_Yes! Excellent cosy potential...erm... relaxing potential._

"Poppy!" James said. A moment later the house elf appeared with a CRACK.

"Yes, Master Potter?"

"I was wondering if you could bring us some marshmallows, actually... and perhaps some hot chocolate?"

"Of course, Master Potter!" She was gone in an instant and reappeared not even a minute later with a silver tray with two mugs of hot chocolate and a platter with a large pyramid of marshmallows.

"I give it a 10 for speed, and 10 for presentation," Lily said. The house else looked so happy to be thus complimented and blushed.

"Poppy, why don't you join us?" James offered with an approving nod from Lily.

"I... couldn't... I have work in the kitchens..." she said, sounding both amazed and horrified by the invitation.

"Please Poppy? Just one?" Lily entreated. She patted the place between her and James. "Come, sit down."

The house elf's jaw began to tremble and her enormous eyes began to fill with enormous tears, but she thankfully forbore to start bawling then and there. Shakily she approached the place where Lily had indicated and sat down cautiously, putting the tray down in front of her.

Lily conjured some sticks for roasting, and handed one to Poppy and one to James.

"Have you ever roasted a marshmallow before, Poppy?"

The elf shook her head.

"It's simple, put the marshmallow on like so... and hold it just over the fire until it's done... that is to say, until you think it's toasted enough to eat."

"Poppy understands, miss."

"Go on then, give it a go," James said encouragingly.

All three of them held their marshmallows over the fire for roasting as James took a few snapshots with his camera.

"Really gets you in the holiday spirit..." Lily said happily.

"It's not even December," James pointed out.

"It's almost December."

"It's the exact middle of November... the 15th..."

"Are you _trying_ to ruin this for me?" she asked.

'Curse it,' James thought. 'Here we are in a perfectly relaxing situation and I have to start an argument with her. This is why she associates me with unpleasantness. Well, we can't have that, now can we...' In a desperate attempt to save the situation, he did the only thing he could think of doing...

He started _singing_.

"_Chestnuts_ roasting on an _open fire_... _Jack Frost_ nipping at your _nose_..."

"Yuletide carols being sung by a choir..." Lily joined in with her own musical voice.

"_And folks dressed up..._" They carried on quite merrily until halfway through James realised that his marshmallow was now a flaming ball of charred gooeyness. That put and end to the song, but not to the entertainment . The blazing marshmallow incident turned out to be quite a spectacle, ending with James waving his marshmallow stick quickly trying to put it out, only to have hit fly across the room leaving a fiery trail before it splattered against the wall extinguishing itself.

"No, I'll get it Poppy, my fault. You enjoy your marshmallow," James said. Since this was somewhat of an order, she did as she was told. After finishing it, she again said that she had to return to the kitchens and departed.

"Here, take mine," Lily told him, handing him her marshmallow. "It's been roasted to perfection, unlike _that_ overcooked disaster," she said pointing to the once smouldering, now smoking blob on the wall.

"Don't you want to eat it?"

"Not really, I just like making them... Take it." He pinched the marshmallow between his thumb and forefinger, pulling it off and putting it into his mouth, leaving sticky, gummy remains on his fingers.

"Delicious." He said sucking on a finger. "Sure you don't want a taste?" He put his marshmallow covered thumb in her face. He was grinning like a little boy.

'Sucking food off any part of his body would definitely be a bad thing...' Lily thought. She had a no touching policy, after all. Yes, she had broken it Sunday, but it had been for a good cause. Washing his hair had been at least somewhat justifiable. This was in no way shape or form defendable. Did she want to? Yes. Was it foolish and stupid? Yes. Did she have the self discipline to say no? That was questionable. If she thought about it logically, if she wanted a taste of marshmallow all she had to do was pick one off the plate. There was no need for her to...

And yet... look at the way he was smiling. It was a completely harmless gesture, and surely she could innocently accept the offer? It was only a bit of marshmallow and only on his thumb... She could think of several substances less harmless and several places less innocent...

James didn't think she'd actually do it, and was therefore quite (admittedly pleasantly) surprised when she did. Then he felt immediately guilty, for taking pleasure out of the girl's innocence in believing him and taking him up on it... He had used girls much worse than that before... much much worse, and yet somehow this made him feel guiltier than he ever had with anyone else.

'_It's because she's your student you great_ _ninny_' he told himself. He really shouldn't have done that.

"Hmm... I think it would taste better with hot chocolate..." she said, taking his hand and trying to dip it into her mug.

"What? No! Let go! Gerroff!" he said trying to wrestle his hand back, not wanting to put it into the scalding chocolate. She let go of it laughing and took a drink.

"I'm kidding, I wouldn't actually put your finger into my chocolate. That would ruin the chocolate."

"Never know with you..."

Lily shrugged. "I'm going to change out of these school robes. Not exactly comfortable enough for marshmallow roasting."

She came back from her dorm a minute later wearing flannel pyjama pants and camisole, and wrapped up in some kind of shawl... wrap... jumper... thing.

She sat down on the floor next to him, pulling the 'thing' around her tighter, put another marshmallow on the end of her stick and began roasting again.

They didn't speak.

She finished roasting it and pulled it off, and popped it into her own mouth. She didn't really like it. She decided that would be the only marshmallow she would eat that evening. She put her forefinger in her mouth to suck off the remaining marshmallow, and then held out her thumb to James.

James studied her discreetly for a moment, considering the situation much more than it merited. To suck, or not to suck, that is the question...

What harm could it do? She had done it to him with no catastrophic repercussions.

The last (and only) time Lily felt the touch of James's lips had been when he had pulled her from the lake, and she was in no state to appreciate the sensation. Even though it was just her thumb this time, it still made her feel all tingly and squirmy inside.

"That'd go well with a nice merlot..." James said.

"I didn't know you were a connoisseur of wine."

"Well, I'm not. It just seems like it would be true."

"Well, we have no merlot, so you'll just have to make do with chocolate," she said, letting the wrap fall from her shoulders.

Something of such small import had a remarkably profound effect on James. Perhaps it was because of the marshmallow finger tasting... He shook himself. Two weeks ago he had taken off her blouse without blinking, seen her in only her underwear. A week ago he saw her in nothing but her bathing suit, and now he was getting all worked up over something so... trivial as the removal of one article of clothing.

Thinking about the times he had seen her scantily clad wasn't helping matters. Merlin, he was a terrible person. Surely, wizards went to hell for this sort of thing. If he could control his thoughts, he would, but there didn't seem to be a way to do it.

"Perhaps we shouldn't tell the order," Lily said randomly, mercifully redirecting his thoughts.

"What?"

"Well, say you and McGonagall come to Hogsmeade, then the rest of the order doesn't have to get involved."

"Why don't you want them involved?"

"The aurors... they'd find out."

"As is customary when you tell people things..." James said, not catching on.

"No. I mean, I can't explain myself and how I knew about them without telling them it was you who told me about them in the first place. They'd find out."

"They? Them? Quit using pronouns."

"If we tell the other aurors in the order, they will find out that you told me that you work for the ministry. How else would I have known about Walsh and the others?"

"I see your point."

"But if we don't make this an order affair, then when the time comes you can just tell the ministry you were doing your job. Hard work paid off and all that. If the order members employed by the ministry get involved then not only do you run the risk of letting them know I knew, but also the existence of the order itself."

"So I'm the only one with you into Hogsmeade? Not saying that I'm letting you go, mind."

"You aren't my father, you can't tell me what I can and cannot do. And no, McGonagall can go too, as a cat. And Aberforth Dumbledore will obviously be around, seeing how he works in Hogsmeade. That would be more than enough."

"Enough? Enough for what?"

"For me to feel safe..."


	22. In Which Dumbledore Decides

They didn't speak after Lily's last pronouncement, just sat in silence, roasting more marshmallows and leaving them uneaten. She had put her head down on the red carpet and shut her eyes. James knew when she had fallen asleep by the way she had stopped fiddling with the necklace. James stared at the fire, considering everything. Although he didn't want to admit it, Evans's plan made a lot of sense. If she didn't go to Hogsmeade this weekend, then they would only strike another time, when she and the other girls couldn't be protected. 

He decided he would go to Dumbledore in the morning before breakfast. It was too early to go now, nearly 3 in the morning. Now the only thing he had to decide was whether or not he would go back to his own room. He could stay here, sleep on the couch quite comfortably, or even on the floor next to her...

He took the throw off the couch and covered her with it, and placed a cushion next to her to use as a pillow and then he left. He shoved open the door to his room and he collapsed onto his bed. He was doing the right thing for once, he told himself as he took off his glasses, placing them on the bedside table.

He rubbed the bridge of his nose where his glasses previously were. He had to teach tomorrow. He couldn't completely focus on Evans's problems... Even though his first priority at Hogwarts was in the capacity of an auror he still couldn't shirk from his other responsibilities. He wouldn't do Dumbledore the discourtesy.

Third years would just now be starting nocturnal creatures... so just working from the text for now. First years would start be practicing shield charms. Seventh years would start trying to conjure a patronus... His lecture notes were already written out, he had nothing he had to do for tomorrow. No papers that needed to be graded either. Nothing to work on to keep his mind occupied. It was a quarter past three, he really should be trying to sleep...

He stripped down to his boxers, throwing his robes indiscriminately onto the floor. Like a tree, he fell onto his bed, and lay there unmoving, staring up at the curtains of his four-poster. He grew colder and colder but he didn't move. He thought it would be nice if he had someone with him in his bed; it would be warmer then.

He groaned as he rolled over, burying his face in his pillow and stopping his member from becoming erect. He wouldn't let himself think about those things when there were several more important matters at hand. 'Stupid marshmallows,' he thought. It was his own fault, and he knew it. He had been the one to start the whole thing. 'It wasn't even that hot...' he told himself, 'nothing to get excited over...'

But, if he didn't wank, the frustration would only build up. It had been a while, and it wasn't healthy to let these things go on for too long. Plus... it would certainly help him fall asleep...

He could feel himself pushing into the mattress... and sighed and turned over again. Thinking he might as well kill two birds with one stone, he went into his bathroom to take a shower. Never, in his whole life, had marshmallows ever been involved in his thoughts while wanking... not until now anyway...

'That does it...' he said to himself after he was finished, 'I'm going to hell...'

He finished his shower and wrapped a towel around himself as he went back into his room. Without his glasses he couldn't see perfectly, but he could still tell that there was something in his bed that oughtn't to be. After a second of a confused sort of panic, he registered the blur of copper as the hair of Lily Evans spread across one of his pillows.

'No,' he thought, 'impossible...' But his mind was clear now, he wasn't fantasizing, Evans really _was_ in his bed.

"Lily?" he said, astonished. She sat up and rubbed her eyes.

"You were in there for a while... I didn't mean to fall asleep."

"How did you get in here?"

"Not that difficult really, especially when you forget to close the door."

"Oh..."

"Sorry to come in like this, but I woke up and you weren't there and I thought of something I wanted to ask you... and... I don't know... I suppose it could have waited 'til morning but..."

"It's alright," he cut her off. He walked over and sat down on the bed next to her. At this closer distance he could see her more clearly. She dried his dripping hair with a quick spell, without even really thinking about it. "Thanks."

"Not at all..."

"So what was it you wanted to say?"

"I forgot to ask... well, didn't so much forget as didn't get around to it. I wanted to know, seeing as you are the auror and are the expert on this sort of thing, how do you think they would try to do it? I mean, if they slip some kind of poison into my drink at the three broomsticks, then what? I mean, I will carry a bezoar in my pocket in case of something like that, but if they do something like that would it be to convict them of attempted murder? I mean, how could we prove it was them?"

James sighed and lay back on his bed, his legs still dangling over the side. He rubbed his stomach with his thumb absentmindedly as he thought about it.

"We can't. Well, of course when someone is poisoned there is an enquiry, but it's not likely we can get all four of them for it..."

"Or... what if it's something like the necklace?"

"Then don't put it on. Anything they give you just say thank you, put it away and bring it to either me or Dumbledore as soon as you can. As for poisons, try not to accept anything they offer."

"So what other methods are there? Besides the obvious curse..."

James shuddered. The mere thought of Avada Kedavra repulsed him.

"Lots of ways, I'm sad to say. There are several dark curses, even normal ones that when used with sufficient force can kill. Some could leave you bleeding to death, others crush your skull... it could be anything."

"Well that's promising!" she said in unbelievable sincerity, "I can be protected against those, yes? It's only the unforgivable which can't be deflected. And as I understand it's rather difficult to do, so they might use a simpler, more brutal spell they won't think I could repel."

James cursed himself for having duelled her in front of the class. Several students had seen her natural shield, what if word had spread to the Slytherins? Then again, what where the chances that her classmates would have understood Evans's complicated and inexplicable magic. She had a point though, Avada Kedavra would be difficult for most wizards... but they were death eaters. They were more likely than your average 7th year to have what it takes to cast that dark spell...

"But, say if they only use one of the more brutal spells, as you call it, then we can get them on assault, but not necessarily attempted murder..."

"Yes, but they'd be locked up for the attack, then they wouldn't be able to hide the dark mark on their arms..."

"_If_ they are fully fledged Death Eaters... Wait a minute, how did you know that they have the tattoo on their arm?"

"I read it."

"Where? Found it in a library book, did you?" he said sceptically. "It's not exactly common knowledge."

"Not exactly uncommon either..."

"Just tell me how you knew."

"From you."

"I never told you that."

"Not directly, but you gave me Moody's notes, didn't you?"

"So I did," he admitted.

"So you think my chances of survival are pretty high, right?"

Even if James didn't think so he would never have been able to tell her.

"We still don't know if we are going through with that. I'm going to talk to Dumbledore tomorrow. Perhaps he'll have a better idea."

"Can I go with you? To Dumbledore..."

"Fine, I suppose. We'll go after you feed Mercury tomorrow morning."

"You mean in a few hours..."

James groaned in response after seeing the face of the clock on his bedside table. "How is a wizard supposed to sleep around here?"

"Don't blame me. You were still awake when I got here..."

"Yes, but you kept me awake."

"For 5 minutes..."

"Still... I blame you," he said, giving his forehead a rub.

"You know... you look different without your glasses," she stated randomly.

"Different, good? Bad?" he asked, distracted from his headache by the comment.

"Just different. Less... professor-like. That's not a bad thing or a good thing. You just seem... like a normal person."

He reached for his glasses on the nightstand and put them on. "Look like your professor now?"

"Not really. The towel is working against you," she said, trying not to smile. James looked taken aback. He looked down at himself. It was clear that he had forgotten he wasn't dressed.

"Merlin, Evans why didn't you tell me?" he said getting up and fumbling around in his trunk for clothes.

"Didn't think you needed telling... I assumed you knew," she said wryly. "Besides, I had more important things to say than to tell you what you were and were not wearing."

"You just wanted to see me half naked, admit it."

"Sure... People are out to kill me and all I care about is getting an eye full," she said sarcastically. "Get over yourself."

James shrugged as he grabbed flannel bottoms and sauntered back into the bathroom to put them on.

Lily grabbed a pillow and put it at the foot of the bed. She curled into a little ball, trying to make herself comfortable. She was making a very bold move. Yes, she knew this was entirely against the rules, but she rationalized, she might die this weekend, so what did it matter? If she survived, then she could still defend herself by saying she was scared for her life, which would be entirely true. The truth was that she simply didn't want to be alone and feel uncared for. She could go to Hagrid's, but if either James or Hagrid found out she had come alone, she would get a severe tongue lashing from both of them.

"What are you doing?" James asked a moment later. She lifted her head up enough to look at him.

"Trying to make this a cosy place. You are right. I can't only have Hagrid's... I can't very well go running off to his place in the middle night without him yelling at me for being out at night by myself."

"Clearly you've already considered that."

"I did, but I had to settle. Plus I wanted to talk to you, so... two birds and all that..."

"Fine. Su casa es mi casa."

"You just said that my house is your house..."

"That's what I meant to say..."

"No… I mean… you said... 'your house is my house' when you should have said 'my house is your house'."

"Yes, well..." he said abstractedly, as if it really didn't matter, which it didn't. Still, it reminded Lily of something else.

"Are you going to tell me your password? It's only fair seeing as..."

"Godric's Pride..." he said easily. Wow, that hadn't taken much convincing. "But I think your place is still better."

"It is. I'll only use yours as a last resort."

"Should I be insulted?"

"No."

"Alright," he said, too tired to discuss the matter he simply crawled under the covers of his bed. James knew what she was doing. She didn't want to be left alone. She was scared, but wouldn't admit it. She wanted to be with people at all times. Far be it from him to deny her... "G'night then."

"What time is the alarm set for?"

"Half an hour before dawn," he said snuggling into his pillow, his eyes closed. Lily decided to follow his example.

Five minutes later she heard the heavy breathing that meant he was asleep. She began shivering against the cold, and once she couldn't take it anymore crawled under the covers. Warm and tucked away under the blankets, she drifted asleep too.

xx

Lily awoke to the sound of fire alarm. At least that's how her confused sleeping mind interpreted the piercing shriek of Jame's Potter's alarm clock. It was louder and shriller than any alarm Lily had ever heard. It would have to be, she thought, in order to wake _him_ up. He could sleep through anything, Sirius had said. Potter groaned and flung out an indiscriminate hand, knocking the alarm clock off the bed stand and onto the floor. Drowsily he groped for his wand with one arm, found it and pointed it towards the ground.

"_re.. re... reparo,"_ he said as he yawned. The clock reassembled itself and James turned over, and buried his head in his pillow with a moan. Apparently this was his morning ritual. Lily watched the whole thing with amusement, then got up and put the clock back on the stand.

"I'm going to Hagrid's. I'll pick you up here in an hour..." she said.

"Mmkay..." he mumbled, clutching his pillow.

Lily went back to her room to quickly shower and change.

"Morning, Lily," said Hagrid, with his usual cheerfulness.

"Morning, Hagrid. I've been thinking what to get you for Christmas... Is there anything you want?"

"You don't have to get me anything."

"You say that every year, Hagrid... Seriously, what do you want?"

"You already gave me the photo album..."

"That doesn't count... Is there anything you've been yearning for besides a dragon?" she asked... They both knew that Lily would not, and could not get one for him.

"Nope."

"Fine, but if I get you something you hate it's your fault for not having spoken up..."

Lily sat in her usual spot as she fed Mercury, humming her usual tune, petting him as she usually did. It felt nice to do something so routine. At first she thought she would dislike having something take up so much of her time, but really it was a comfort.

She thought sadly that Saturday morning might be the last time she got to do this with Hagrid and Mercury. She shook her head. No need to be negative. Of course there would be other times. She would live to see Mercury grown; she would live to give Hagrid a Christmas present...

"I think I know what I'll get you..." she said thoughtfully.

James was (not surprisingly) still sleeping when she returned. She glanced at her watch. Breakfast would start in half an hour... yet she didn't want to wake him. She crawled onto the bed, and curled up on his feet as a cat would. It must be nice, she thought, to be a cat. She could just curl up next to him and let him pet her and she wouldn't have to worry about anything in the world...

But she wasn't a cat. She was Lily Evans, and she needed to talk to Dumbledore...

"Come on James, wake up..."

"I am awake..." he muttered sleepily, "unfortunately."

"I can go to Dumbledore on my own if you want to stay and sleep..."

"No, I'm coming, curse you."

"Really, you can stay and sleep."

"You'd like that wouldn't you..." he said throwing off the covers. He had no intention of letting Lily go alone. He needed to make some kind of argument or plea to Dumbledore to use a different strategy than the one Lily proposed.

He rolled out of bed and rubbed his eyes as he went to the wardrobe.

"Where's my clock?" he asked, scanning the floor.

"I put it back up on the stand," Lily replied. James looked to his bedside table.

"Oh." It was strange for him to see it not in its usual place on the floor... He pulled out a clean shirt and put it on, followed by a tie, then a cloak.

The next part, in Lily's opinion, was clever. After grabbing underpants and trousers from the trunk he turned around to face the armoire. Lily could see nothing but his long black cloak as he took off his pyjamas and put on his other things. After she heard the telltale _zip_ he turned back around.

"Let's get on with it then..." He said.

James was yawning the entire way there.

"I have that potion I created, if you want to feel awake."

"Might not be a bad idea," he said unsuccessfully suppressing yet another yawn.

"Or perhaps you'd prefer a mind clearing potion... or maybe just an anti-drowsy drought?"

"You have everything, don't you?"

"I do indeed, from hangover cures to veritaserum."

"Do you really? That could prove to be very useful..."

"I thought veritaserum wasn't admissible in court..."

"I was talking about the hangover cure..."

"Ah," she said as they arrived at the gargoyle.

"Good morning, Professor," Lily said as they entered.

"Good morning to you both," Dumbledore said expectantly. Lily elbowed James.

"Oh yes, erm, we wanted to talk to you about Miss Evans's threat. She is of the opinion that we should allow her to go to Hogsmeade with them, followed by myself and Professor McGonagall."

"Yes, I am of the same opinion. Of course it is up to Miss Evans. If she is willing..."

"I am, Professor."

"Wait, can't you think of another way that isn't as..."

"I told you before, we might not get another chance at knowing when they will make an attempt! We can at least get the other girls out of harm's way," Lily interrupted.

"Isn't there another way, Professor?"

"I'm sure both Miss Evans and I are open to suggestion. What do you propose?" Dumbledore asked patiently. James said nothing for a minute, then voiced a plan he had been uncertain about.

"If I and other order members take polyjuice potion and go as the other girls..."

"Not only would you not know how to act as a teenage girl," Lily said angrily, "but what if the lads decide to split up? Then you'd be stuck snogging another bloke in Puddifoot's while I'm led somewhere else! How would you protect me then?"

James shuddered at that scenario, repulsive in so many ways. Alright, so that wouldn't work.

"But I'm afraid we don't have any polyjuice potion at the ready, and as I am sure you both know, it takes a long time to brew... More time than we have." Dumbledore said calmly. James slumped. He had been hoping Dumbledore would have had a different idea. Seeing that James wasn't going to speak, he continued. "In that case I will speak with Professor McGonagall this evening..."

The three of them went down to the Great Hall together. No one spoke. Potter and Dumbledore went up to the Head table and Lily took her seat at the Slytherin table.

"You look exhausted," she said to John, her voice dripping with disingenuous concern.

"Had trouble sleeping last night," he said. Lily snorted in her head. That made two of them.

"You poor thing..." she said, giving him a kiss on the cheek. He grinned weakly at her.

"Up all night thinking of you, I expect..." Walsh said jokingly.

'I expect he was...' Lily thought, 'I was up thinking of all of you.' She wasn't thinking only about the boys, but the girls too. The poor things had no idea what their boyfriends were planning for them...

Up at the Head Table, Professors Dumbledore and Potter were discretely watching Lily laughing and smiling amongst the group of Slytherins that were planning to kill her.

"How can she _do_ that..?" James muttered under his breath, teeth clenched as tightly as his fists, which were hidden under the table.

"She can do it because she is determined to help."

"You don't think the necklace has anything to do with it, do you?" James asked. Dumbledore took a moment before answering.

"No," he said finally. "Lily Evans is a true Gryffindor. She is a great many things, James, but a coward is not one of them."

"I know that, but to jump into this situation with no regard for her own safety..."

"I think she knows the dangers very well, and I don't think she is fool enough to not be afraid, but she won't let that fear stand in the way of what she thinks it right."

James stabbed an egg irritably; yellow oozed from the puncture points. He took a large swallow of tea, shoved a piece of bacon in his mouth, then took another gulp of tea before he rose from his chair.

"Good morning, Professor," James said, excusing himself. Dumbledore's eyes twinkled sadly as he watched Potter leave. He looked back to Lily, who seemed to have a similar expression as she too watched Potter stride out of the Great Hall.

x

Lily paid close attention in Charms that morning, like she did in every class, but this time it was done with a bit of extra effort. The class was just as all the others had been that year: learning a new, difficult charm. If one didn't succeed in doing it in class then they were assigned homework. Lily thought after she already performed it for Flitwick that perhaps she should have pretended she couldn't, that way she would have homework to do that evening. She already finished Transfiguration and History of Magic... Perhaps Potter would be kind and assign another essay.

x

"Sirius," James said to the hand mirror after his first class.

"Yeah mate?" Sirius replied after a moment.

"Where are you now?"

"Work, why?"

"Excellent. Could you do me a favour?"

"Depends. What is it?"

"I was wondering, seeing as you are in London, if you could stop by Eyelop's... pick one out and send it my way. I'll pay you back."

"I could swing it. But what for?"

"I'll leave it to your imagination. I'll give you some time to think, so next time we talk you can tear the mickey out of me properly. I've got to go to class."

"Will do. But honest question here mate, no teasing intended. What breed do you think she'd like?"

"Don't think it would matter. Nothing to big or eye-catching. I'd go for subtle and charming."

"Just like me?"

"Sure..." James said, unable to stop the insane mental image of a smarmy (and impossibly well groomed) black bird, busy hooting at the female owls and too proud to actually send any letters.

"Alright mate, I'll see what I can do. I'll see you Sunday, yes?"

"Maybe..."

"Maybe? Why not?"

"I'll tell you Saturday evening whether I can or not and why."

"Work related."

"Yes."

"Say no more. Right then, I'll stop by Diagon during my lunch break."

"Cheers."

"Bye."

When James returned to his office later that day after lunch, there was an owl there waiting for him. He took the note from it and read.

_I apparated to Hogsmeade with her to spare her the long flight from London. I hope she likes it...  
_

_P.S. I have thought long and hard and have come up with several excellent jokes to make at your expense_...

The letter bore no signature, (not that it needed one) only the tiny sketch of a paw.

'Oh well,' James thought, 'it was worth it.' The owl was perfect. James couldn't have chosen better himself. It was exactly what he wanted, subtle and charming. He spent the rest of his lunch hour stroking the lovely bird, and trying to think of an excuse to give it to her... Something that didn't sound insensitive. 'Here, you need an owl because it's too annoying for you not to have one... so that next time you want to go skipping off in the middle of the night you can let me know without sending a big bright patronus cantering through the castle...' Besides, Patronuses couldn't last cross country and... well... he simply wanted her to have a way of getting in touch with him, or anyone for that matter. 'Pity there were only two mirrors', James thought. Having Lily at his fingertips anytime he wanted would certainly ease his mind enormously. Of course, if she were at his side all the time they wouldn't even _need_ mirrors... He shook his head.

The owl would have to do.


	23. A Patronus is Surprisingly Altered

"Good afternoon, class..." James said to his seventh years that afternoon. 

"Good afternoon, Professor Potter," the class said in unison, save Lily. She was flipping through her text book to the last chapter where she had tucked away a few pages of Moody's notes. She began reading.

"Today, as you know, we will finally try _conjuring_ a patronus. Now as I'm sure all of you read the assignment and know _all_ about the significance of a patronus and how to conjure one..." he said sarcastically. "Conjuring a Patronus is really all about being able to find that place in your gut that just knows how to do it. You all have it in you; you just have to find it. Like doing nonverbal magic, it comes from within; thinking happy thoughts and saying the incantation isn't enough. Find that place within you that knows what happiness is..." he explained. "_Expecto Patronum_!" he said. Lily couldn't help but look up expectantly to see the mighty lion spring impressively from his wand as it had in their private lessons. She was shocked to see, not a lion, but a stag shoot out instead.

"What the hell?" Lily said aloud. James looked over to her and she knew he was thinking exactly the same thing. He looked lost and confused. He recovered long enough to turn back briefly to the class.

"Yes, well... now you've seen how it's done, so start practicing..."

"What happened to the lion?" Lily asked as soon as the rest of the class rose from their seats to start trying. She and Potter stood next to his desk at the front of the classroom. James's stag prancing around in one large circle, as if patrolling or keeping watch over all the students.

"I... don't know," he replied truthfully. "I can't account for it at all... I mean, I knew these things happened but never like this. How... disturbing."

"How so? It's not a bad thing to have your patronus represent yourself, is it?"

"No... I suppose not..." he said carefully. Not like he could say anything else in _her_ presence.

"I think it's a good thing. That means you are finding strength and happiness within yourself instead of having to rely on an outside influence..."

"I suppose so. Let's see you conjure yours then, just for the sake of the lesson."

"Very well. _Expect..._" but she didn't finish the incantation.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm drawing a blank... I can't find my happy..."

"What about what you used the last time?"

"I can't seem to imagine the future anymore..." she said, then added in a whisper, "I can't seem to think past Saturday..."

James summoned a chocolate frog from his office and handed it to her. Chocolate always helps with creating a bit of happiness. She opened it and let the frog get its one good jump in before snatching it up and taking a bite.

"Thanks," she said, feeling better. Chocolate always helps. She took a look at the card, Salazar Slytherin, and grinned wickedly.

"What?" he asked.

"Do you want to know who it is?"

"Not really..."

"You sure? But what if it's one you want to add to your collection?"

"I told you, I don't collect anymore..."

"Pity... I suppose I'll just ask you to throw ol' Salazar away when you find the chance then..." she said, handing him the card.

"I will certainly do that for you..." he said, taking it and sticking it into the same pocket Lily knew the mirror to be. _A very safe pocket_. Lily grinned at him knowingly. James seemed to understand what she was thinking.

"Yes, yes, alright fine, I'm going to keep it. Happy?"

"Yes, actually."

"Good, now conjure that patronus."

This time she didn't really focus on any one particular thought, just on the general giddy feeling she never imagined Salazar Slytherin could have inspired.

"_Expecto patronum!_" Her doe bounded forth and Lily smiled proudly at it. "Go on, tell Hagrid hello." Obediently it flew out the window onto the grounds.

"Professor? Do you think you could show me how it's done again? I think I'm missing something. All I can manage is a sort of grey, misty thing..."

"Certainly, Davies. Evans, go help Mr. Ferris over there, he looks troubled."

Lily left James to help the Quidditch captain and she returned to her spot next to Roo.

"Having trouble?"

"Yeah... a bit," he said.

"What's the hold up?"

"Not sure, I have my memory all set..."

"Are you sure it's happy enough."

"I'm sure... It's the happiest one I have..."

"And it's not tainted by anything?"

"Tainted?"

"Never mind. Ok, close your eyes... focus on that moment, that perfect moment in time, take in every detail, let everything about that memory fuel you... let it fill the words _expecto patronum_... until those words themselves mean happiness to you. Let those words signify everything you love about life," she said, as she too closed her eyes, following her own advice to the letter. "Now whisper those words..."

"_Expecto Patronum,"_ he whispered.

"Did it make you smile? Did your toes curl?"

"Yes..." he said in the same hushed tones.

"Grip your wand firmly in your hand, feel the wood pressed against your palm, feel it run from your body into your wand. Do you feel it? Is it filling you entirely? Flowing into your wand?"

"Yes."

"Good, now, on the count of three we will conjure a patronus together, at the same time. You can shout it if you want, just make sure it's **real**... Ready?"

"Yes..."

"1..2...3..."

"_Expecto Patronum!"_ they said together and a corporeal patronus burst powerfully from both wands. They opened their eyes to see what their efforts had produced.

"A fox!" Rupert exclaimed happily.

"Well done!" Lily congratulated.

"Except, I'm not going to have you around during the exam to coach me through it again."

"Oh the first time is the hardest. It's downhill from there. You've found your platform. Now you know you can do it, it will come more easily. Try again."

He closed his eyes for a moment, taking in a deep breath. "_Expecto patronum!_"

Once again, the spry fox leapt nimbly from his wand tip.

"You see?"

"Thanks! You are the best!" he said putting one arm around her shoulders and giving her a squeeze. "You should be a teacher."

"Hey, Lils," James said coming up behind them.

"That's Miss Evans to you," she replied quickly.

"Whatever, come here a minute. I have something to show you."

"Can't it wait 'til after class?"

"It can, but you aren't doing anything now, so why not?"

"Because you should be helping your students," she said. Although she believed that to be true, it wasn't the real reason she was declining. She actually didn't want the class to see her and Potter going into his office together.

"It will only take a mo... come on, I can't very well keep it cooped up in my office."

Curiosity effectively pricked, she gave him a nod and they walked to his office. It was a living creature of some kind; that was certain.

"Ta da!" he said as he opened the door. Perched there on his desk was a jet black owl with startling yellow eyes. It was smaller than your average owl, and seemed almost perfectly round.

"She's beautiful..."

"How did you know it was a she?"

"I don't know... just seemed... feminine."

"Well Happy Christmas, she's yours."

"She's mine?"

"She is indeed. I thought you had better have an owl at your disposal. Keep her in your room so you can use her whenever you need. Order members should always have an owl at the ready and not need to trek all the way to the owlery."

"And she's really mine?"

"She really is."

"Thank you! This is the best present I've _ever_ received. I... don't know what to say," she took a step forward to give him a hug, but then stopped herself. A moment of slightly awkward silence followed.

"Sirius chose her out for you."

"Black?"

"How many Siriuses do you imagine I know?"

"Just the one, I hope." Both Lily's and James's minds staggered at the idea of there being _more_ Siriuses.

"Exactly."

"Well, in that case, I think I'll name her... Ebony, in honour of the man who chose her for me. That and it suits her, seeing as she is a black owl..."

"Ebony... not a bad name."

"Better than Dragon, anyway."

"Hey..." he said, sounding offended.

"I'm just kidding. So what prompted this early Christmas present?"

"Just thought it would be a good idea, that's all. That and you won't have to ask me to fetch you an owl every time you want to write a letter..."

"I see... Well, thank you, James. She's lovely," Lily said, extending a hand to stroke the bird's perfectly smooth feathers.

"What do you want for Christmas?"

"A dragon."

"You and Hagrid both... but seriously... what do you want?"

"I don't want anything."

"Nothing?"

"Nothing comes to mind."

"That means I'll actually have to put thought into it... curse you."

He laughed cheerfully. "Anyway, back to class. Ebony, you are free to fly around." She was clearly more intelligent than most others, which is saying something because owls were clever birds to begin with. She gave an acquiescent hoot and flew away.

"Alright!" James yelled over the class's repeated '_expecto patronum'_s. "Raise your hand if you've managed a corporeal patronus." Three hands went into the air beside Lily's.

"And how many managed to produce at least a positive mist?" Most everyone else raised their hands at this. "Very well. Those of you who haven't managed a corporeal patronus close your eyes... go on, close them. Think of your happy memory. Focus on that moment, that perfect moment in time, take in every detail, let everything about that memory fuel you... let it fill the words _expecto patronum_... until those words themselves mean happiness to you. Let those words signify everything you love about life..." he said. Lily shot him a glare and he gave her a cheeky wink in reply. He was stealing her advice to Rupert... verbatim.

"Now whisper those words..."

"_Expecto Patronum,"_ the class whispered.

"Did it make you smile? Did your toes curl?" Lily saw several students, eyes closed and smiling, nodding in affirmation.

"Grip your wand firmly in your hand, feel the wood pressed against your palm, feel it run from your body into your wand. Do you feel it? Is it filling you entirely? Flowing into your wand?"

Again, the classes nodded, eyes still closed, lost in their happy memories.

"Good, now, on the count of three we will conjure a patronus together, at the same time. You can shout it if you want, just make sure it's **real. **Ready? 1..2...3..."

"_Expecto Patronum!"_ the class said together. Patronuses shot out everywhere., The first to catch Lily's eye was a swan, then a Labrador, a wolf, and a monkey... By the look of it, it seemed that ¾ of the class successfully produced a corporeal patronus. James chest swelled with pride, until he saw Lily's glowering look, then it shrank back again.

"Right. Well, those of you who didn't get it keep trying. It's just a matter of finding the right platform. For those who did conjure it, do it again. Practice makes perfect, and all that..." He said.

Once the class's attention was on their patronuses, either trying to conjure them or playing with the ones they had conjured already, James went up to Lily's desk.

"What? You are going to be mad at me for this?"

"Of course not, only someone small and petty would begrudge someone for stealing their technique to teach others..."

"It sounds to me as if someone's feeling small and petty today," he said raising his eyebrows at her.

"No..." she said with a sigh, "I'm glad the class did so well. It's just..."

"Just what?" asked Rupert, butting into the conversation.

"Just what?" James repeated for himself, shooting Ferris a teacherly 'don't talk when other people are talking' look.

"Well, it's just that... conjuring a patronus is such a deeply personal thing. I could share it with Rupert, obviously, but you just exposed it everybody else... It's like... I shared myself with one person and suddenly I'm standing naked in front of the whole class..."

"Lily, he didn't mean it that way..." Rupert said comfortingly. "I know you feel like your heart is exposed, but that's not a bad thing. It's worth sharing."

Lily looked up to Roo with a small smile. "When did you get to be so cheesy?"

"When you started needing it," he said, giving her a little punch on the arm.

"Well, don't get used to it."

"Couldn't if I wanted to."

"Well, Potter, I suppose you are forgiven."

"I didn't even apologise."

"Yes, well, I'm forgiving you for that too."

"Good of you," he said bitterly.

"Well... I take it back, I don't forgive you."

"What?"

"I mean that there is nothing to forgive, so..."

"Ah ha..."

"And no one knew you stole it from me except Rupert, so no harm no foul."

"Professor Potter? Can I talk to you?" All three people turned around to see Victoria standing there, looking expectantly.

"Yes, Miss White?"

"In private..." she added, glancing to Lily and Rupert. James cleared his throat.

"Of course." They took 3 steps back from the table to stand beside Potter's desk. Victoria began talking and Rupert and Lily politely pretended they couldn't hear.

"Professor, I understand perfectly the concept, but..." she paused, for what Lily could only assume for dramatic effect, "I don't have any happy memories." She looked away theatrically, hiding her face so that Potter couldn't see the tears that weren't actually there...

"Ah... yes. One of your classmates has seemed to find a way around that problem. Perhaps you should talk to her, girl to girl. L... Miss Evans!"

Lily looked up as if she had just now heard them.

"Yes, Professor?"

"Miss White seems to have a bit of a problem with which I think you are particularly qualified to help her..."

"Oh?" she said curiously, looking from the professor to student. "What's the problem?"

"I er..." Victoria said, trailing off.

"You may use my office if you would like some quiet..."

Lily and Victoria walked silently to his bureau, White seemed to be positively radiating with furious heat. Once the door was shut behind them she whirled on Lily.

"I'm sorry!" Lily said immediately, before Victoria had the chance to say something nasty. "I know you were hoping for some help from the actual Professor, and I'm no substitute, but I'm honestly not doing this on purpose, it was his idea, both times. I really am sorry... But if you really are having trouble I will do the best I can to help you..."

Victoria seemed to sigh... but it was more of a hiss, like a teakettle letting out steam. Lily wondered what this hissing teakettle would do if she knew that Lily had slept in the bedroom just behind her...

"I told him I didn't have a happy memory..." she said finally.

"Is it true?"

"Yes... I mean, it's not that my life has been miserable. It's just that there is nothing that stands out as particularly happy. Most of my memories are blah, and the happy ones I do have aren't nearly powerful enough for this."

"Then you came to the right girl...I didn't have a happy memory either, but you don't necessarily need one. The trick is to manifest good feelings into a usable thought to channel your positive energy to create a patronus. Memories are the easiest because they are clear and more powerful, but they aren't the only means of doing it."

"What else is there?"

"I personally have a reoccurring dream. It's a very happy sort of fantasy. Do you have anything like that? Perhaps a particular daydream that is very vivid and real to you? Or maybe you have dream, aspiration for the future, something that fills you with hope, happiness? An excitement that consumes you, or a peace you can surrender to... just something positive that you can be completely enveloped in..."

"I think... maybe..."

"Give it time... create something meaningful. Perhaps you can think about it tonight before you fall asleep..."

"No..." she said with a smile, "I have it."

"Then use it..."

Victoria White's patronus was a ferret, and when the girls opened the office door it skittered out to join the rest of them. Lily's doe had joined James's stag, trotting around the room together, by far the two largest patronuses in the room.

"Well done, Miss White, Miss Evans," Potter said upon seeing the ferret. "5 points to Gryffindor. Looks like everyone will be getting the bonus points on the final exam."

"Bonus points?" Lily enquired.

"Yes, those who can conjure a patronus will be given a few bonus points."

"I'll need them..." Victoria whispered to Lily.

Class was let out early that day with no homework whatsoever. James was so pleased that every single one of his students conjured a patronus he didn't have the heart to give them homework... that and he couldn't be arsed with grading papers this weekend when he knew that no matter what he would be up to his ears in ministry paperwork.

He saw Lily walking out of the classroom with Ferris, so he shot a light stinging hex her way. When she felt the snap she turned around.

"What? What is it?" Ferris asked. She stepped aside to let the other students pass them. "Nothing, Potter wants a word. Roo, do you wanna meet me at my common room at 8ish tomorrow night?"

"Erm... why? Not that I mind... it's just that I was going to... erm... spend time with Emma."

"I just thought it would be nice. It's been a while since we spent proper time together... Friday night after classes... we can stay up really late doing nothing."

"Yeah, alright. I'll meet Emma Saturday. And you can help me with that animagus essay that's due Monday."

Lily laughed. "Fine... animagus essay and chocolate frog races it is..."

"It's a date," he said, following the last student out.

x

"Surely there has to be a less painful way of getting my attention..." she said to Potter once everyone else was gone. She was rather tired of her rump being attacked that way.

"Nothing comes to mind..."

"Oh, how about saying, 'Hey Evans!'"

"I'm an auror, I prefer being more subtle."

"No, you are a wanker, and prefer being more bothersome."

"That too... Are you doing anything?"

"Now?"

"Obviously."

"I have a meeting with the prefects in an hour..."

"Hmm.. I think we could be finished by then... come with me."

"Where are we going?" she asked as he led her out of the classroom.

"For a stroll..."

"A stroll?"

"Yes, a delightful educational stroll through the castle..."

"Won't that look a bit... odd?" Lily asked uncertainly.

"Not if you are wearing this..." he said, tossing the invisibility cloak into her face. Lily checked to make sure that no one was around before she tossed it over herself.

"So, where to?"

"This way first..." he said, walking casually down the corridor. "Actually, where is the meeting?"

"3rd floor, why?"

"So I'll leave that one for last."

"Leave what one?"

"Secret passage. There are 7 different ones that I know of that lead into Hogsmeade. The first is..." He stopped talking and cleared his throat. A group of students rounded the corner and approached them. James continued walking along competently, but stopped in front of the great mirror. He simply stood there, looking at his watch, whistling a pleasant tune. Once they were gone he continued, "Right here."

He opened up the mirror quickly and went inside. Lily followed.

"I'm in," she said, and he closed it again.

"Lumos," he muttered, and his wand tip lit, giving them some light. "You can take the cloak off for a minute."

"Oh, right..." She did so.

"Now, as I was saying, there are 7 passages ways between Hogwarts and Hogsmeade. I reckon Filch knows about three of them, but in a life or death situation who really cares, right? Woah, watch your step, another half a meter and it's an 8 story slide to the bottom, beneath the castle..."

Since they had a bit of privacy, he decided to explain the rest of them, and more importantly, where they came out at Hogsmeade.

"You have to press the great big knot at the bottom to calm the branches... that one comes out at the shrieking shack. And the last one is the third floor, you know that statue of frightening looking witch? Tap the hump and say dissendium..."

"Dissendium," she repeated.

"Right. Now, I'm not telling you this so you can buy sugar quills whenever you fancy... I'm telling you so that if at any point on Saturday you want to escape, you have 7 different places in Hogsmeade that will take you directly and secretly back to the castle."

"I'm not going to run away..." she said determinedly.

"Look, if they try something, let McGonagall and I handle it. You get yourself out of it..."

"I'm an order member too, I can help."

"Just... this one time... If I tell you to go back to the castle, go back to the castle. It means that we've got enough proof and you just... get out of there..."

"But I…"

"Promise. Me."

"I..." Lily was always very careful about promises... She never made one unless she would keep it, "...promise that I will take it into consideration when the time comes..."

"Not good enough."

"I can't make a promise I won't keep."

"Why can't you just do as you're told?"

"Because I'm not a bloody house elf!"

"I know that, but can't you at least listen to reason?"

"I can, and I am. Following an order unconditionally isn't reasonable."

"Lily..." he said putting his hands on her shoulders, "do you trust me?"

"I... do."

"Then trust me in this. I'm not trying to trick you into becoming a coward so I can go off and be killed by death eaters behind your back, alright? I know what I'm doing; you just have to trust me on this..."

In the faint light his eyes looked so earnest, almost pleading... If it were any other man, Lily thought, she would have said yes then he would have kissed her. And she would have gladly returned it.

But he wasn't. Nevertheless, there was a part of her that went against what her mind was saying. The part that just wanted to do what he told her, whatever he told her, whenever he told her... anything to gratify those pleading eyes.

"I do." she said finally, defeated, the logical part of her brain scolding her for being a push over slave to the 'if he were any other man' scenario.

He didn't exactly smile, but relief seemed to seep into those pleading eyes. He didn't ask her again to promise, and she was thankful for that. But it was clear they had reached a sort of understanding... they would both trust each other to use their very best judgement.

"Under the cloak then..." he said, putting an end to the conversation and the moment of seeming intimacy. Lily didn't want to leave that dark deserted passage. She would have gladly and stayed there arguing with him the whole night. She wouldn't ever admit it, but she loved it, the argument. She felt cared for to have someone concerned for her safety. Even if it wasn't loving concern, she could pretend it was. She remembered when she was 14 her father had strictly forbidden her to go to Leeds with a muggle friend. It was 'far too _enbyd_ for two young girls to go alone... and if anything were to happen...' etc etc. James had had the exact same tone of voice just then...

Back in the Hogwarts corridors, Lily followed behind James as he showed her the next passage. When a large crowd of students flooded the hallway, she panicked slightly. She grabbed the back of Potter's robes. He didn't need the hint, however; he was already steering towards the stone wall. He put up a lazy arm and leaned against the stones, acting as a sort of windshield against the current of students. Lily tucked herself easily between him and the wall, safe from oncoming traffic.

Once it had lessened, they continued on, Lily keeping a light grip on Potter's elbow.

James didn't mind her keeping hold like that. In fact, it made him feel easier, not having to wonder where she was all the time. That and even though no one could see it, it still_ felt_ like they were walking arm in arm. Maybe sometime when she wasn't under the cloak, and no one was around, they could actually walk that way. Maybe one night to Hagrid's... but would that be strange? Yes, it probably would. Scratch that idea then.

They went on to the second, third, forth, and fifth. He showed her exactly where each was and how to get in and out. With 15 minutes before Lily's prefect meeting they hurried onto the grounds so James could show Lily just which knot to press. She spent a minute trying to find a spell that would work, but she really couldn't think of any 'pushing' spells. In the end she just elongated a broken branch to prod the knot on the trunk.

"5 minutes," James said looking at his grandfather's watch.

"Merlin. I'm going to be late."

"No you won't."

"I hope not."

"Well, the last one is the witch's hump, and I already explained that to you, it's pretty simple. You shouldn't need any help with that."

"Right. Just one problem."

"What is that?"

"That I would be coming from Hogsmeade, and I have no idea where those entrances are."

"_That_, my dear, is what _tonight_ is for..."


	24. Which serves as a transition chapter

**Chapter 24**

Lily barely made it to her meeting on time. Nearly all the prefects were there before she was. They waited for another 2 minutes for the remaining prefects and the Head Boy, Adam Spinnet of Ravenclaw.

"Right," Lily began in her authoritative voice, "I'm passing around a new schedule for patrol times and partners. They were chosen at random, like last time."

A fifth year Gryffindor raised his hand.

"Yes, Stephens?"

"Can I have a different patrol partner?" Lily looked back to the list she had made. Thomas was paired with a Slytherin named Clarks. Lily took a step closer to him and lowered her voice.

"Why?"

"I'd prefer not to work with that Slytherin."

"Clarks is sound... I won't change the schedule for the sake of house pride and rivalry issues. As prefects we all have to work together..."

"He's dating my ex girlfriend... They started dating before she and I broke up..."

"Oh," Lily said. She wasn't sure whether or not this would be a legitimate reason to change partners or not. It wasn't house bigotry, but an actual grudge, not that that was any better. She decided to consult Spinnet to see what he thought.

"What difference does that make?" he said after she explained the situation. "Don't change the schedule for something so stupid."

Lily cleared her throat and went back to Stephens, "See how it goes for a week or two. If you really can't put aside your differences we can arrange a swap."

Once that was taken care of, they moved onto the notes that Dumbledore had given the Head Boy and Girl... announcements and notices, things to watch out for and reminders of old rules.

"And a final note..." said Spinnet as the meeting came to a close, "Remind your houses to be careful about unknown owls. If you don't know who sent it, make sure to take the necessary precautions when opening. There are more and more cases of letter curses. Especially for..." He broke off and looked at Lily uncertainly. "Just... remind your houses. That's it."

Everyone spilled out into the corridor and dispersed, heading off in various directions. She started for the stairs to return to her dormitory when she felt a familiar sting on her backside.

She whipped around, but saw nothing but the statue of the humpbacked witch. Still, she knew he was there, under the cloak.

"What is it?" Spinnet asked.

"Nothing... I just thought I heard something."

"Right then. See you in Transfiguration tomorrow, Evans."

"See you." She waited for him to leave before she went to stand next to the statue. She felt his warmth, and gave a sharp poke where she imagined his midsection to be. By the feel of it she reached her target.

"_You are under an invisibility cloak! A simple tap on the shoulder would have been just as subtle, you wanker..._" she hissed.

"I didn't want to run the risk of being run into. I needed to keep my distance."

"I think you just enjoy causing me pain."

"I would never."

"I'll believe that when I no longer feel it... the pain, that is."

"Come on, we are going to Honeydukes."

"I thought we were going later tonight..."

"We are, but Honeydukes closes at 7. It's the only passage that can't wait 'til later. It's 2 hours 'til dusk yet, we have time..."

Lily didn't take much convincing. It was much more interesting than anything else she could think of doing. She pulled out her wand, tapped the hump and said 'dissendium.'

The opening wasn't as wide as Lily would have hoped.

"You can fit in there?" she asked, disbelievingly.

"It's a bit of a squeeze, I'll admit."

"I'll bet." Lily was thinking it might be tight for _her_, she had no idea how _he_ planned on getting through. Making sure that no one was around, she slipped her wand into her robes, and pushed herself up onto the stone with both hands, swung her legs around, and slid in feet first. Literally _slid_. Lily couldn't see the dark steps and lost her footing, falling down the first few. The ceiling was too low for her to fall forward, head over heels down the staircase, so it was just a matter of jarring pains in her feet and getting the back of her robes dusty. She brushed herself off, though she couldn't tell how effective it was considering she couldn't actually see the dust.

She heard James come down after her, and she wished she had gone second so she could have seen how he managed to shimmy in.

"Lumos," he said, and his wand tip lit up, illuminating them both and the narrow walls of the passage. He tucked the cloak away. "Cosy this, isn't it."

"Quite..."

"Well, go on, we haven't got all day."

"I'd like it better if you went first..." she said. Somehow it would be easier to follow behind, so she'd be warned of any steps or low ceilings beforehand. The manoeuvring was a bit tricky. The passage was so narrow that there really wasn't much space for overtaking. Lily backed herself flush against the wall, trying to give him as much room as possible, which wasn't much.

"Erm... sorry," he said as wriggled past her, rubbing up against places he normally didn't. Once he was safely in the lead he said, "Right then, to Honeydukes!"

It was slow and uncomfortable going, and took the better part of an hour to get there.

"Careful. Mind your head, we are going up," he warned.

"We are nearly there then?"

"We _are_ there. Shh... _nox._" His wand went out and Lily could hear the sound of something moving, the trapdoor, apparently. She saw a crack of light, then it grew wider and wider so that James had enough room to peak his head out. "Ok, quickly!" he said scrambling up as he pulled out his cloak. Lily followed quickly after him, closing the trapdoor behind her.

She looked around. Honeydukes cellar was tiny and crammed from floor to ceiling with sweets. She cursed herself for not bringing any gold with her, because several things caught her eye that she wouldn't mind sampling. Thudding footsteps descending distracted her from her thoughts of sweet purchasing and she quickly scanned the room again. There wasn't a single cranny or corner to hide behind. She was whipping out her wand to either confund whoever was coming in, or to disguise herself when out of the corner of her eye she caught a flash of black appearing from no where, then she was enveloped in that liquid silk fabric. She turned around to see Potter, holding a finger to his lips.

The door opened and a man came in, grabbed two boxes of Fizzing Whisbies and went back up again. Lily turned around to look at James. His eyes were lit up like... well... like a kid's in a candy store.

"You've never, in your youth, simply stolen into Honeyduke's cellar, grabbed the goods and left, have you?"

"Never!"

"Never?" she asked sceptically.

"Never but once," he admitted.

"Really?"

"Sirius usually bullied Peter into going with him. He was the main culprit. But even _he_ didn't make a habit of it. Only when the store wasn't open and he didn't have the option of paying."

"I see."

"Let's go. Stay close, we don't want the cloak coming off."

Walking up the stairs with James in the lead was tricky business, trying to keep the same pace. Since his head was much higher than hers when on a step above, she was sure that the cloak wasn't covering her feet. If anyone had been in the cellar at the time they would have seem phantom shoes ascending the staircase.

Dodging from behind the counter they walked out into the actual store, which was emptier than Lily had ever seen it. It wasn't packed with Hogwarts students fighting over their favourite magical bonbon. Now there was one mother with her two children, much too young to be at Hogwarts yet.

She had no choice but to follow him out of the shop. The bell tinkled traitorously as the left, and the owner looked around for a new customer that wasn't there.

"I wish I had brought a few sickles with me..." she said once they were outside.

"What did you want?"

"Everything."

"Afraid you'd need more than a few sickles for that. Pity you don't have any money. Meanwhile, _I'm_ going back in. Looks like they have a new flavour of lolly."

With that he ducked out of the cloak and went back in. She would have been mad if she hadn't known him better. She knew he would at least get her a chocolate frog, or sugar quill...

He came out with a veritable bundle under his arms and a lolly in his mouth.

"Carry some of this, will you Evans?" he asked looking around fruitlessly for an invisible arm to hand off his load.

"Won't it look a bit strange?"

"Course not. They'll just think I'm using a hovering charm. Go on, take some of it."

"What _is_ all of this?" she said, taking for first two boxes from the top.

"Just the usual order. Stocking up for the next few months... I was nearly wiped out on Halloween..."

"You... actually eat all these sweets?"

"No, I like flinging them at my first and second years when they get something right."

"Cute..."

"It is not... I chuck them pretty hard."

"Yes, but you are still giving candy to the ickle kiddies... You big softy."

"Am not."

"Yes you are... Master of Sweets and Cheese. The sweetest and cheesiest professor at Hogwarts."

"Stop that."

"What? There's nothing wrong with being in touch with your witchy side..."

"But I'm not!"

"Uh huh..."

"I'm a Quidditch player and an auror! You can't get anymore masculine than that!"

"Ok ok. I get it... you are the paragon of manhood... But I don't see why you think being a nice guy is such a bad thing."

"It isn't a bad thing. I know I'm a nice guy, but you make it sound like being a nice guy means being a gay guy... And I'm not... gay... that is."

"Really?" she asked, trying her hardest to sound genuinely surprised.

"What?!"

"Well, I mean... you just seemed... that is you give the impression that... I don't know. If you say you aren't gay, then I'll believe you."

"I'm not gay!"

"Then I believe you," she said, making sure that it sounded as if she didn't.

Yes, she wasn't being fair. She knew he wasn't gay; she was trying to get him wound up. She just wanted him to prove it to her. Throw her up against a wall right now and prove to her that he likes women... _That he likes_ _her_...

But he didn't. He was either not interested in her in the slightest, or he had unbelievable self restraint. Lily was certain it was the former.

'Just as well...' Lily thought. 'I can't have him anyway. I'm just like every other girl at Hogwarts... except they don't have it rubbed in their faces constantly.' They didn't see him all the time, they haven't slept in his bed, he didn't stay in their rooms all night talking, he hadn't saved their lives, didn't act so familiar with them... they hadn't washed his hair, seen him in just a towel, didn't know about his past and he didn't know about theirs... They probably didn't know anything about him apart from what he looked like and how he conducted lessons. They probably didn't actually care for him... they just wanted... what she wanted... _to be wanted by him_.

xx

'She doesn't believe me. She actually thinks I'm gay,' James thought. It was a good thing she was invisible. If he couldn't see her, he would be less tempted grab her and force himself on her... well... he was always tempted to, but he might have acted on it. But he couldn't see her. It's easier to resist a dish you can't even see. He thought of other things he could say to prove her wrong, but of course they were inappropriate. He could mention Agatha, but... no. Although that would prove his point, he couldn't help but think that it would be counterproductive in the larger scheme of things. 'Unfair...' he thought. 'I've had as many women as a phoenix has feathers and yet _she_ thinks I'm gay. Un. Fair."

They walked back to the castle along the road that the carriages usually took to and from the village.

"Getting dark..." Lily said breaking the silence.

"There's still time. Just need to drop these in my office then we'll go, yes?"

They walked up the steps to the castle, James in the front and his hovering candy trailing after him.

"Evening," he said to various teachers they passed. He caught the attention of several of the younger students, all eyeing the load of sweets he carried. Two third years whispered to each other, considering the floating boxes behind the professor. They crept up slowly on Lily, who was unsure how she would stop them if they tried to snatch them out of the air... She thought about sending a stinging hex James's way, to alert him to the problem, make him turn around and see that kids were trying to steal from him. But, she reflected, that would only force him to be disappointed and punish the children, so she hexed _them_ instead. They jumped back, surprised and slightly afraid, and gave up any notions they had about pilfering Potter's sweets.

Seeing as how it was almost dinner time, the hallways were once again crowded. So he took a short cut, a secret passage from the third floor to the 7th that Lily hadn't known about. In fact, she didn't know any of them.

"How do you know about all these secret passages?" she asked. He shrugged.

"Found them."

"How?"

"With the marauders. Late night exploring for 7 years... you get a lot accomplished."

That, to Lily's mind, was more impressive than just wandless magic. She knew she had talent, and she was book smart, but that kind of cleverness really impressed her. She studied a lot to get where she was now, but she had an idea that James was just naturally bright.

"You make me feel inferior, sometimes... you know that?" she asked.

"Don't be. Anyone with brains and talent like yours should never feel inferior."

"But you've discovered so many Hogwarts secrets... It's dizzying. All that and you were head boy and Quidditch captain too..." She didn't mention him being a successful pureblood, but she wanted to.

"This coming from the head girl who talks to centaurs and merpeople and can do magic without even using a wand..."

"Fair enough." Still, her little talents didn't compare to his success in life.

"Listen, Evans," he said after shutting his office door behind them. She set down the boxes of sweets on his desk. He reached out a tentative arm, and she remembered that she was invisible, and he couldn't see where she was. She simplified matters by taking off the cloak. Once she reappeared he took her by the shoulders. "Listen, Evans... you have a lot to be proud of. Maybe you can't share all of it with the rest of the world, but you can still walk proudly, because you know what you are capable of. Despite what some people think, what kind of blood you have doesn't matter whatsoever. It's who you are that counts."

"How did you..."

"What?"

"How did you know that's what I was thinking?"

"Maybe it's because I'm getting better at reading you, or perhaps you are just letting your guard down, but those eyes of yours betray your every thought."

Lily stiffened immediately and looked away. Surely that was just an empty brag. He made a lucky guess about the blood issue. There was no way he could read her thoughts... Still, she thought a few lessons in occlumency wouldn't go amiss just now, if someone other than _Potter_ was teaching her that is.

Still... it was probably true. He had been getting better at reading and she had let her guard down. Even if he couldn't read her thoughts he had been able to tell that much. She wondered what else her eyes had betrayed. Embarrassedly, she thought of her desire of him, but knew hadn't seen that, otherwise he would have reacted somehow. No, that desire was hidden so deep that she could barely find it beneath all the worry, doubt, fear, hope and determination.

Amused at Evans's sudden unwillingness to look him in the eye he began wondering what it was she was afraid to show him. Knowing Evans it was probably something silly like fear. He knew she must be worried, but she would never want someone else to know it. Still, he wanted to see it. He wanted to see the insecurity in her and he wanted her to know he saw it. She couldn't hide it from him so she might as well just allow him to comfort her...

He took her chin in his hand and tried to lift it up.

"Hey..." he said softly, but she jerked away. He tried again. "Look at me."

"No," she said, allowing her chin to be pulled upward but keeping her eyes down.

'If he were any other man,' she thought, 'he would try to kiss me... taking my chin in his hand like that...' Yet another reason she wouldn't look him in the eye. If he could see _that_ thought, she would be humiliated. Cursing herself for evening thinking it, she felt her cheeks go red.

"It's late. Let's go to Hagrid's," she said quickly, ducking under his arm and striding purposefully out of his office.

James let the subject drop for the moment, simply because they really did need to make it to Hagrid's and he didn't fancy having this sort of argument/discussion with Lily as he chased her down the halls of Hogwarts yelling at her for the whole student body to hear. He wanted it to be a private conversation; he didn't even want to give Hagrid a share of it. He wanted Lily Evan's insecurities all to himself. On those few rare moments when she had broken down James had secretly relished in scooping her up in his arms and being able to be the protective man. Of course he hated to see her upset. But if she _was_ upset, then he preferred to be the one to help her.

In their haste, neither had remembered to put on a cloak. When Lily was hailed by a classmate near the great front doors James had no choice but to stop and wait with her.

"Hi Lily."

"Hey Amelia..." Lily said without her usual enthusiasm. Her friend seemed to pick up on this.

"What's the matter? Oh... erm... good evening, Professor Potter," Amelia said, noticing James's tall frame behind Lily's, arms crossed and looking impatient. James had forgotten that he was there and watching the two girls. Lily didn't seem to have noticed, but it obviously unnerved the other girl.

"Nothing," Lily answered quickly, not giving James time to greet the girl in return. "Just a little detention in the forest..."

"Detention? I don't believe it. How could you have gotten a detention..." her eyes darted to Potter before returning to Lily suspiciously. "Or perhaps you have your reasons..."

"Yes, well... I'll talk to you later... tomorrow in Transfiguration..."

"Alright."

Lily waved and walked on determinedly, not wanting to give James the chance to see how flushed her cheeks were. Perhaps he hadn't noticed Amelia's glance and sly tones but Lily picked up the insinuation. She would have to set Amelia straight tomorrow in class. She was no Victoria White. She didn't have to invent _ways_ to spend time with the Professor. She just needed to invent ways to explain away the time she _did _spend with him.

To James's somewhat surprise, Lily did not knock at Hagrid's door as she customarily did. Instead she went directly towards the back, snatching up the bottle left there and started to feed Mercury..._ without_ the usual pleasant humming to which James had gotten accustomed.

"Why didn't you knock for Hagrid?"

"Because he's not home."

"There's a light on inside."

"Because he wants people to think he is. If he were really home there would be smoke coming from the chimney at this hour of the evening."

"Where is..."

"Probably in the village having a pint... or... half a gallon."

"Really? That doesn't seem like the sort of activity that Hagrid would feel the need to hide..."

"Who knows?"

"I have a sneaking suspicion _you_ do..."

Lily turned to him and gave him a very brief cold stare before breaking eye contact and turning back to the unicorn.

"He's gone to see a man about a dog," she said elusively. Actually, he had gone to see a man about a _three headed_ dog, well, puppy, but Lily didn't feel the need to tell James this.

James bit his lip as his brows drew together in agitated frustration. She was being more cold and held back than usual. Only an hour ago they had seemed so close. The thought bothered him to the point of temper.

"Who took a piss in your cauldron?"

"Nobody."

"Don't give me that bicorn shit. Tell me the truth. Stop acting like you are so damned detached and indifferent. You are obviously lying and it is really annoying when you think you are being so cool and unaffected when really something is eating you up. Now spit it out before I hex it out of you." He paused and then added in a softer, placating voice, "There is nobody here, so why are you acting?"

"_You_ are here."

"I don't count. You can talk to _me_."

"You'd like to think that... All teachers would. You all want to believe that you alone hold the key to helping a poor distressed youth. You in all your patronising wisdom can..."

"Hold hard!" James bellowed. "Look, I don't know what other professors are like, but yes, they do want to think that they can help their students. But you have to admit that I'm not your average professor trying to cajole myself into thinking that I'm being a conscientious educator flattering myself by assuming I can help you with any problems you may have. I know some Professors are like that, but not me. And I know your problems aren't that of your average youth. So do me the courtesy of not thinking I'm some idiot teacher, and I won't treat you like an idiot student. We both know there is more to us than that. You just put up that student/teacher wall when you want to use it to hide from something. And I'm sorry to say it love, but I'm not letting you hide from me. So just tell me; what's the fucking problem?!" Lily took a deep breath, forcing her own temper away. She would speak calmly.

"In a word: **you**," she said simply, still not taking her eyes off of Mercury. "Not that you've done anything intentionally. It's my fault I suppose, for having put up with you this much. The gossip that will be flying around tomorrow being the least of my worries..."

"What gossip?" he interrupted.

"I'm surprised Victoria White hasn't thought of doing something against the rules just to get a detention with you. I'm sure this will start quite a trend and wouldn't be surprised if you see a lot more detentions in the next few weeks."

"What?"

"I said it was the least of my concerns, but it still irritates me no end... People thinking that I am on the same level as White. The way she looked at me, I knew what she was thinking. How I must have appeared to her..."

"Is it that bad?"

"To appear as if I am scheming to get your attention? Yes. It's despicable. But it can't be helped and it's not the point. The problem is that you have to be so damned... omnipresent. You have invaded every aspect of my life. You seem to be the only person I see these days. I feel like I have no privacy anymore. I can't even have a private thought or emotion without you trying to pull it out of me."

"Are you sick of me?"

"Well... it's just that..."

"What?"

"I get so easy in your company and I forget the truth. It's like you said, I've let my guard down around you and I could kick myself for being so stupid," she said angrily.

"Stupid?" James repeated sounding offended.

"I don't want to depend on you. You or anybody. I get so used to having you around. Well, you won't always be around, so I had better not get used to it. So stop being so damned concerned and just do your job and I'll do mine."

"Won't be around? I'll be here until the end of term..."

"Unless you get killed."

"You are more likely to before me."

"I _know_ that," she said evenly, raising her gaze to meet his for the first time that conversation. Her temper seemed to have left her and she was calm now, looking at him placidly. James could have kicked himself for saying something so stupid. Still, he couldn't let her of the hook because he said something tactless.

"I don't think you are sick of me. I just think you don't like getting close to people."

"Why would I do that?"

"Because, it's like you said, you are afraid to lose them."

"I never said that!"

"You said that you didn't want to get used to being around me because I might not be around anymore. That's basically the same thing. You just don't want to get close to anyone."

"I'm close to Hagrid and Rupert."

"Yes, but you were good friends long before your parents died. After that you didn't allow anyone else to get near you, because you were afraid they would be taken away from you, is that it? If you care for someone they will only cause you pain in the end by leaving you?"

"How **dare** you!" she shouted, her temper swinging back to full force. Mercury, startled by her sudden outburst, jumped out of her grasp, stomping hard (accidentally of course) on her foot as he fled. "Ow..." she said, holding the injured appendage in her hands.

"You alright?"

"I'm too sensible and in too much pain at the moment to storm off into the forest, but believe me, Potter, I would if I could," she said as she removed her shoe and examined the bruise that had already started to form on the top of her foot. "And yes, I'm alright. It doesn't appear to be anything serious." Convinced that she had no fractures in her foot she replaced the sock and shoe and attempted to stand.

James, being the gentleman, rose to help her. Lily accepted his help with cold gratitude.

"Come on, we'll go to the hospital wing before we set off for Hogsmeade."

"We are still going?" she asked, sounding surprised.

"Of course. Just because you've taken it into your head to hate me doesn't mean I won't take every necessary precaution I can to keep you alive on Saturday."

"I don't hate you."

"Oh, I know that. You would have had a harder time convincing me of that than you would yourself. My arrogance being what it is, I couldn't accept that any woman could hate _me_."

"Keep talking like that and I'll wager I could."

"Then I won't. Does putting pressure on it hurt?" he said, squinting in the dark at her foot.

"Like hell," she said through gritted teeth.

"I don't suppose you'd let me carry you?"

She shook her head. "I'll walk, thank you."

With James acting as a crutch, they made their slow way back to the castle.

"I... uh... shouldn't have said the things I did... about your parents."

"It's alright. Probably true anyway, you annoying prat," she said. James smiled at her.

"All the same, my tactlessness seems to have gotten out of control lately. If you can't stop me from saying stupid things then what good are you to me? I'll be insulting Dumbledore next and it will be all your fault."

"Sorry. I'll take more pains to check you in the future."

"Thank you, my dear."

They had entered the castle and were heading for the Hospital wing when Lily spotted Amelia, yet again. "Warning, I'm about to make a frightful scene."

"What?"

"Rumour monger, 3 o'clock," she whispered. James cast a discrete eye to his right and saw the approaching student, eyes wide with appalling curiosity. One could almost see the conclusions her mind was leaping to.

"Very well, if you feel you must," he said. Then the charade began.

"Oh, let go of me I'm fine! I don't need your _help_."

"Stubborn gel, if you hadn't gone stomping off it wouldn't have happened," James fired back, unsure of what kind of scene he should be making but determined to make one none the less.

"If you hadn't given me detention I wouldn't have been there to begin with."

"If you hadn't done what you did I wouldn't have given you detention."

"You had no right to give me detention in the first place. I'm going to talk to McGonagall. Oh, Amelia!" Lily said, pretending to have just noticed her classmate.

"Good evening, Professor, Lily..." she said uncertainly, acknowledging them both with two separate nods of her head.

"Miss Evans was injured serving a detention in the forest. I'm taking her to Madame Pomfrey," James said huffily.

"Amelia will help me the rest of the way, Professor. Thank you," she said coldly. For a second James was truly offended before he remembered she was acting. She gave him a quick wink before imposing herself on her class mate and bidding him good night. James walked away, leaving the Head girl leaning on the rumour monger.

"Oh, I'm glad you came when you did. I couldn't stand being by him a moment longer!" Lily said exasperatedly.

"Professor Potter?"

"Yeah. He irritates me so. I showed him up in class one time and he gives me detention. No good reason... Why the girls in the class like him I have no idea."

"I don't think he's that bad."

"You don't have class with him."

"No, but several of my friends do and they say he is a great teacher."

"He's a good instructor; I'll give him that, but as a person he is so insufferable I can't..." She was cut off by Amelia's giggle.

"And here I thought you got detention on purpose."

"On purpose?! I didn't even _do_ anything! And who would be so stupid as to purposefully get detention with that... that... wanker!"

"Several, I should think. Not everyone thinks him as disagreeable as you do."

"Well..." Lily said heaving a sigh. "I guess I don't think he's _that_ bad. This detention business is just really unfair. Oh, thanks for helping me to the Hospital Wing." Lily said as Amelia let go of her in front of the doors.

"Not a problem," she said, skipping off.

"Well," Lily said to herself. "That's a future rumour squelched." Lily was quite proud of herself for her pre-emptive damage control. Now Amelia couldn't say that she had gotten a detention to get closer to the professor. In fact she had made it obvious that the idea repulsed her. _She almost wished it did_.

Madame Pomfrey was glad to see Lily walking into the Hospital Wing. Her appreciative smile turned into a frown when she realised that the Head girl had not come for a chat or for some medical practice but because of an injury.

"It's nothing really," Lily explained. "Just stood on by a unicorn, that's all. It's more than a bruise but less than a break, and it never really came up before..."

"Oh, well it's simple enough, my dear..."

Lily listened attentively to Madame Pomfrey's latest instructions and remained in the wing as she carried on in other topics allowing Lily to help her with her other charges.

'James knows where I am. He can come to me,' Lily thought. She therefore spent the next half hour chatting to Madame Pomfrey, and doing whatever she could to help.

It was an hour before Lily began to wonder if James would come at all. She had thought he would come back to her, but perhaps he was expecting her to go to his office once she was healed. Well, obviously she hadn't, so shouldn't he have come to seek her? But then he might be waiting in his office thinking the same thing. But no, James was too paranoid, he would come after her eventually.

"Pay attention, Lily, pay attention," Pomfrey admonished.

"Oh, sorry," she apologised. She had overfilled two of the potion bottles. Wrong dosages could cause serious complications. She measured out the correct amounts and smiled penitently.

"Well, once you've done that, you can go ahead and take the latest arrival from Professor Sprout. It's the same procedure from last time. Very simple."

"Yes ma'am." Lily went back to the room behind all the sick beds where the healing potions and ingredients were kept. Beyond that was Madame Pomfrey's own quarters. As she was shelving the last of them in their appropriate places she felt a warmth seeming to press from behind her.

"You've been taking your bloody time..." came James's deep whisper.

"I got side tracked," she said, making sure all the labels were correct and in their appropriate places.

"I'm here to get you back on track. Finish quickly. I've waited long enough for you."

"Waited where?"

"Just outside the Hospital Wing."

"You should have come in sooner. I was waiting for you to get me when you were ready."

"Do let's stop arguing and just leave. I don't like lingering in hospitals..."

Lily thought will a real pang of contrition that if that were true she had made him wait hours, even days in hospitals on her account. She decided that now was not the time to be sassy. She was too full of sad gratitude for her professor and didn't want to make him suffer any more than she already had. Which was strange, because she had been fuming at him only hours before. Still, she was softened more than she would like to admit.

"Then I won't keep you here," she said softly, so softly that her change in tone startled James. She went from snappy to sweet in an instant, and her sudden tenderness caught him off guard, but not altogether in a disagreeable way. He wouldn't mind hearing that tone from her more often.


	25. Which is Fraught with Frustration

**Fraught with Frustration**

Lily finished her work directly and gave her excuses to Madame Pomfrey, who let her go with only a little bit of reluctance.

Once out of the wing Lily said, "Wait up, this isn't going to work. I can't see you and I can only sort of guess where you are. Unless you guide me by the shoulders or something..."

In a second James reappeared to her left, as she knew he must have been, and he sloppily flung the cloak over her, and continued walking. She took a moment took to straighten it before following him. Students were scattered throughout the hallways so she didn't dare call out for him to wait. She simply did the best she could to keep him in sight as she weaved, dodging through them. Finally, she managed to close the distance between them at the top of the forth floor staircase and she took his elbow. James looked around suddenly, looking horrified, but then seeing that no one was there, his face relaxed.

x

For a startled moment, James had thought that a student had linked arms with him as he was walking, he wouldn't put it past a few bolder female students (for such things had happened before)... but when he realised it was only an invisible Lily, he loosened up.

"It's just me," she whispered.

"I know."

"I have to be back before midnight..."

"I know."

"So, we only have a few hours to..."

"I know!" James shouted. This apparently random outburst drew several curious stares and whispered remarks from the students who witnessed it. James's brow furrowed in annoyance and walked on as he hissed under his breath, "Making me look like a fool, shouting at no one and talking to myself..."

Lily, still feeling generous, decided not to point out that it wasn't her fault he couldn't control his temper, instead she replied demurely, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to provoke you." Then added in an even softer voice "I just can't seem to think about time... and how much I might have left..."

To an outside observer, it would have appeared as if Professor Potter had stopped walking, and crossed his arms over his chest to think deeply about something. But, like most things in the Hogwarts Castle, it wasn't as it appeared to be.

The fabric was cool, and it separated the two hands from touching skin to skin, but Lily could still feel his warmth as his fingers closed around hers comfortingly. They stood that way for a while, ignoring people who looked at the Professor askance as he just stood in the corridor with his arms crossed like some austere hall monitor.

Nothing could be said, so they remained silent even after they started walking again. James kept his hand over Lily's. Lily knew that he wouldn't have done that had she not been under the cloak. The cloak, or being invisible rather, seemed to hide actions, rendered them null and void, erased them. If it happened under the cloak then it didn't count... This seemed in keeping with a few other times as well. James only seemed to touch her when no one could see him do it, either when he or she was under the cloak. The other day when he had been trying to 'keep her warm'C, and that time when she had been standing in front of him in nothing but her underwear... and he had grazed her skin so lightly she could have imagined it if it hadn't been for the visible proof that her bra strap slipped back onto her shoulder...

Lily shivered (not unpleasantly) at the thought. She didn't know what that shudder had conveyed to James, but he unlinked her arm from his, but took up her hand instead. Still that material separated them. They weren't holding hands; they were holding the same area of invisible material. It felt like silk, not like the rough palm and fingers she knew it would have felt like. Still, the gesture wasn't lost on her. Quite the contrary...

Once in the passageway James pinched the material between her fingers and slid the cloak off of her, holding only the cloak... not her hand. They weren't touching anymore. The phantom handholding instantly ended and was forgotten. A strange part of her wanted to put that cloak back on and hug him tightly. No. She wanted him to hug _her_ tightly... there was a difference. She shook herself. Now was not the time to get soft. Softness led to weakness, and right now she wanted to be strong. She wanted laughter and courage... two things she knew for certain James Potter had in spades.

"James?" she asked as she followed him down one of the more spacious secret passages out of the castle. He turned to her, his wand tip lighting the area around them, casting strange shadows across his strong face.

"Yes?" he asked with a soft carefulness and eyes full of concern... Lily would have appreciated it had she not already stiffened her resolve. There was nothing but determined fire in her now.

"Can we have a duel?" she asked impulsively. She could have laughed at the expression on James's face. Clearly that was _not_ what he had expected to hear.

"A... a..." he swallowed, as if he had choked in the attempt to say the word, but he sputtered it out eventually, "Duel?"

"Yes... to release this pent up tension. I just... feel like a good... _fight._" She bared her teeth, though it wasn't a smile, not a congenial one at any rate...

"Um..." In the odd shadowy light Lily Evans looked almost... _evil_.

"I'm not going to attack you right _now_..." she said, her voice changing from bellicose to benign. This far from reassured him, for there was a suspect predatory sheen that lingered in her eyes.

"We can in Hogsmeade, I suppose..." he said uncertainly, not exactly wanting to, but unable to deny the girl anything she wanted. James startled at this realisation. It was a weakness he hoped she and Sirius... _especially _Sirius... never discovered.

"Good..." she purred, looking pleased. Too pleased. James didn't like the way her eyes flickered like that, but after a moment of considering those needy orbs, realised that he _did._ Something clicked in his brain and he grinned to himself. 'Let her do all the underhanded magic she wants...' He thought wickedly, 'because I won't let her off with just 10 points from Gryffindor this time...'

Even though the passage was roomier than most, the air seemed very close, and James was aware of every centimetre of space between them. Any space at all was too much, he couldn't help but thinking. She had said she wouldn't do anything until they arrived in Hogsmeade but he wouldn't mind if she pounced on him now. His muscles were tense and ready for an attack he knew wouldn't come. Still, alone in this passage where no one could see or discover them... the thought was so enticing, appealing, seductive... And to think, only last night she had been in his bed and he hadn't done anything! He had wasted a perfect opportunity... a mistake he didn't plan on making again...

The passage grew hotter and closer and James loosened his tie to get some air. 'Calm down,' he told himself, 'she asked for a duel not for... anything _else_.'

He felt like an irrepressible pervert. He was a terrible professor. If Dumbledore, or any of the professors, knew what had been going through his mind just then, he would be sacked instantaneously. Teachers are there to instruct their pupils... not _hunt_ them. And to heighten his hypocrisy, he knew that if any of the other teachers were to think about her in that rude way he, and perhaps he'd let Hagrid join as well, would thoroughly enjoy hexing him so entirely that by the time they were through with him he wouldn't know his nose from his knees.

And yet! He knew several of his female students that were doing their best to attract _him_. They were clumsy and obvious in their advances. Yet Lily didn't advance upon at all. She didn't even _try_ to get his attention.

'No wonder,' he thought, 'she already has it, undivided.' He wondered what it would be like if she _tried _to seduce him. He imagined Lily batting her eyelashes at him like so many of his other students and found it wasn't as appealing an image as he had expected it would be. Lily wasn't the type. She didn't need to bat her eyelashes or rouge her lips. She was magnetic even without them. Besides, lipstick rubs off when you...

...If he had been watching where he was going instead of exploring ideas that he shouldn't have been, he would have _seen_ the steps instead of tripping over them, and he wouldn't have hit his head on the lowered ceiling that indicated the end of the tunnel.

"Damn," he said. He felt like a bloody idiot, having made a fool of himself in front of her. In order to save face he added, "Every bloody time!" In hopes of conveying the impression he _always_ hit is head in this passage, and it _wasn't_ because his head had been too full of inappropriate thoughts (of her) to look where he was going.

Lily changed her laughter into coughing quickly after he rounded angrily on her, but not quickly enough. He still caught it. She forced the smile off her face.

"Are we there yet?" she asked.

"Nearly..." he said grumpily as he started to turn back around.

"Wait," she said, grabbing his arm and turning him to face her again. She stood there, looking into his face for a moment; and James stopped breathing...

'_Pounce... pounce!_' he thought furiously at her. She had stopped him from leaving the passage, turned him to face her, and now she was on tip toe, her face leaning in towards his... Yes, finally! Surely now she is going to...

"Your forehead is bleeding," she said calmly, taking his head between her hands and bringing it lower so she could see the cut better. She didn't use her wand, but James felt the cut close up under Lily's intent stare. She conjured a damp cloth and wiped away the bloody smears. She stood on tip toe and kissed his forehead, as she had done in the past with his other various minor (and sometimes spurious) injuries.

With another silent spell the cloth vanished and she asked, "shall we continue?"

James seemed to have lost his voice. Try as he might to get a word out, it kept sticking in his throat, as if some large object were lodged there, impeding any speech that might try to get by. He only managed to swallow a few times and nod before turning away from her and making a slightly hasty retreat out of the passage. Lily was close at his heels. _Too _close. A moment ago he had thought she was too far away, and now she was much too close, yet the actual distance was quite the same.

In any other circumstances he would have enjoyed her caring ministrations, but right at that moment, when he had been hoping for so much more, he couldn't help but feel frustrated... almost angry with the girl for teasing him. 'Yet,' he thought fairly, 'she didn't lead you on, you did that yourself...'

He was more than ready for a duel now... Lily wasn't the only one who could use a nice vent for frustration just then...

Both student and teacher were grateful to be out of the passage. The cold air did wonders for cooling James's head if not other areas...

"En guard then?" Lily asked, pulling out her wand.

"No," James said firmly, taking the wand out of her hand and putting it back in her pocket. "First things first. I'm showing you all the secret passages, which is the whole reason for our being here..." he said with satisfaction. If he was going to be frustrated, so should she be, although he imagined (regrettably) that they were very different kinds of frustration. Nevertheless, he was pleased at his own antics. He wasn't going to _deny_ her what she wanted; he was just making her wait for it.

Lily could have started shaking with the pent up tension. She still hadn't forgotten about the tenderness beneath the cloak... SinceC he wouldn't hold her, he should at least have the decency to hex her! That's all she wanted; just a good fight to drain everything from her, to be emptied out of all feeling and emotion. To be utterly exhausted and spent so she didn't have the energy to do anything more than sleep, not even think... perhaps especially not even think.

"Just for a little while?" she begged.

"Business before pleasure, my dear..." he said infuriatingly. And yet... she couldn't be that angry with a man who was smiling so tauntingly at her. He knew full well what he was doing; the brute, holding the cookie out in front of her but not letting her have it. He was taking pleasure in frustrating her. She had to give it to him though, he was doing an excellent job of it. She would have been angry with him had she not admired it so much.

"Very well, Potter," she said simply. She had only spoken three words, but somehow she had said in a way that left no doubt in James's mind that it was a warning. As if she had said 'Very well, have it your way now, for I will certainly be having it my way later... and then you will surely be sorry.'

James smirked, but didn't respond. "As you can see we exited through a trapdoor here concealed in the hillside. The village is just through those trees," he said (needlessly, for it was obvious by all the lights and sounds) and started walking in that direction. Lily followed, and wondered what might happen if she simply attacked him now. But no, that was bad form; _never attack when your opponent's back is turned_...

Surprisingly, the passages to_ enter_ the castle from Hogsmeade weren't as complicated as the ones to get into the village from Hogwarts. There were no passwords, nor was it necessary to tap any of them. It gave Lily the impression that they were more concerned with keeping students _in_, rather than keeping others _out_. One could easily sneak into Hogwarts undetected if they knew the entrance to one of the passages... A worrying thought if one imagined a Death Eater sneaking into Honeydukes... slightly humorous, but mostly worrying. She shared this concern with James.

"Believe me, I've thought of that, and there is no telling how many people know about the passages. The only people I know are aware of them are the marauders. And now you, of course..." he added, gesturing to her. "Unfortunately there isn't much that can be done about it. Nothing that I can think of anyway... You can't put a password on them unless you created the passage, so we can't block it from the other side. My theory is that since Hogsmeade didn't exist when Hogwarts and its passages (The Whomping Willow to the Shrieking Shack excluded) were constructed, or, not as it is now. The passages were only meant as a means of escape, like most castles had in those times. Oh, watch your step. Alright there? Good. As I was saying, the Hogsmeade we know now was built several hundred years later, and they placed building on or near several of the passages. I'm sure at the time, they knew that those passages existed, but I think they've been forgotten now. I know for a fact that the owners of Honeydukes are ignorant; otherwise they would have bolted the entrance from their end... This ground we are standing on used to be a stable long ago. As you can see it's just stones and a few ancient beams... This one leads to the first floor entrance, the really conspicuous one. It's hard getting in and out of that one unseen. Lastly is, of course..."

"The shrieking shack," Lily finished for him.

"Just so. That one, I learned, was built much later... 650 years, give or take a decade, at the behest of the family who built the Shrieking Shack. Well, of course at that time it wasn't called that, it was just another family home. Their reasons for wanting a passage to he castle are unknown... to me, anyway. The house was abandoned centuries ago, though. The whomping willow was only planted over the other entrance in my first year..."

"Why?"

"It was for Remus. Dumbledore knows about that passage, if not the others, because it was his idea to use it to help Mooney. Every month he would enter through the Whomping Willow and lock himself in the shrieking shack during the full moon... The building was already thought to have been haunted, but the unearthly racket he used to make as he tore himself to bits, before we became animagi and were able to save him from himself, only furthered the 'haunted' rumour."

They had been strolling down one of the small lanes of the village as he spoke, and scattered snow flakes drifted down to the ground. Lily enjoyed just listening to him talk. Focusing on the sound of his voice somehow released some of the tension that had been building up inside her. The more he went on about history, the easier she felt in the world. He sounded so casual, a mixture of friendly conversation and a lecture. She didn't mind letting him do the talking. It was soothing. Perhaps she wouldn't need a duel at all. Perhaps she could persuade him to just keep on talking for the next 36 hours...

The solitary flakes that had fallen were now grouping together as it began to snow more heavily. Hogsmeade was made for snow and, in Lily's opinion, it never looked lovelier than when the rooftops were white and the windows iced with frost and smoke was rising from the chimneys. They turned their backs on the lovely scene to face a less pleasant one.

They leaned against the fence that surrounded the area of the Shrieking Shack. They stood side by side for a long time, arms touching, in silent consideration. The building seemed gloomy, stark against the softness of the snow around it. Lily imagined those 4 torturous years Remus must have spent in there without the aid and company of his friends. How much pain he must have experienced there...

She was roused from those sad thoughts when James started speaking again.

"You know, the full moon used to be the best times of my life. We would all look forward to it so much. It was so fun that I never realised..."

"Realised what?"

"It wasn't until you were attacked that I considered what a horrible ordeal Remus must have gone through when he was a child. I was too busy having fun to hate the werewolf that did it to him."

"But... that's not fair. What if he was as unwitting as Remus? Even if I hadn't been an animagus, I couldn't hate Remus. He isn't responsible for himself when he's like that. Perhaps it was the same with the werewolf who bit him..."

"It wasn't," James growled. "We know who it was."

"Who?"

"Fenrir Greyback"... James said through gritted teeth. Lily could tell just how much James cared for Remus simply by the depths to which he _loathed_ Greyback. "Hunts children for _fun_, even when it isn't a full moon. He really is a beast and gives good werewolves like Remus Lupin a bad reputation. It's unfair. Remus is the best man I know and yet he can't even get a job because of scum like Greyback."

Lily put her hand on top of his, gently prying James's white knuckled fingers from their death grip on the fence, which had begun to crack and splinter. James looked to her, then to his hand and relinquished his hold.

"Damn," he said softly. "Splinter."

Lily took his hand and inspected it, the nearest lamppost shedding ample light to see. Using her fingernails she gently pulled the tiny sliver of wood out of the pad of his finger, so that only a small red area of irritation remained.

"What..." James said, deep voice low and smooth, "aren't you going to kiss it and make it better?"

Again with the intentional infliction of frustration. Lily thought he must know his affect on her; otherwise he wouldn't torment her this way. It was cruel of him, to keep playing like that. She knew that like his best friend, the man before her was used to constant female attention and adoration. She didn't want to be like all the other woman and simply give in to him, and yet she couldn't deny him either... not when what he asked of her was something she wanted to do... She wondered if he led on any other students like this. Well, not exactly like this, but she was sure she had seen him smile charmingly or seductively at a group of admiring girls on more than one occasion. She knew she was special. By his own admission he considered her a friend, but that didn't stop her from feeling jealous. It wasn't a common feeling for her and she didn't like it. She couldn't help but wonder if these other little attentions, the flirtatious remarks or looks were just how he treated all women. Lily didn't want to be lobbed into that huge category and flirted with the same way he would all the others. She wanted to be more special than that.

Still, she couldn't give into him and she couldn't deny him, so she did both. Gently she bent down and laid a soft kiss on his fingertip, _giving in_.

"Poor boy..." she said feelingly.

"I'll be alright."

"I was thinking of Remus," she replied quietly, walking away from James towards the Shack, _denying him_.

x

'Confound the woman!' James though angrily. 'Every time I think I have her where I want her, she slithers out of it!' he brooded. Remus again. He should have known that sweet, demure little voice wasn't for him. Of course it was for Remus... Remus J. Lupin, the only man past or present (to James's knowledge) that Lily Evans has ever cared for. He had been so preoccupied worrying about Padfoot he completely forgot how Evans felt about Remus.

He hated being jealous of a friend so dear to him, but he couldn't help it. Mooney wasn't even around anymore! She hasn't seen him (in human form anyway) for over 6 years, how could she still have a soft spot for him?

Well, the answer to that was obvious. Mooney really was the best man he knew. It would be natural for anyone who knew him to love him. With Evans's caring nature, she would be only more drawn to him now that she knew him to be a suffering werewolf. James sighed and then stomped after her. She had already entered the shack. Brilliant, just what he needed; her, looking around the shack, seeing and the wrecked furniture and bloodstains to give her sympathetic heart another twinge for her beloved werewolf.

"We aren't staying," he said gruffly, taking her by the elbow and leading her firmly to the passage in the next room. He opened the trapdoor and descended. "In," he commanded shortly. She obeyed, closing the flap behind her.

He didn't light his wand this time. He'd used this passage so many times he knew every inch of it, even if he couldn't keep his head from hitting the ceiling now and again, he knew when the passage bent and twisted.

The tunnel was completely dark, and she couldn't see a thing. Perhaps James had a reason for not lighting his wand but she didn't ask. He seemed to be in a bad mood again. Perhaps it was the Shrieking Shack and Fenrir Greyback. In any case, she kept quiet and followed Potter by the sound of his footsteps.

When the passage curved, Potter curved with it. Lily did not and ran her shoulder into the side of the passage. She didn't allow herself to make any sound of pain. She wasn't going to show him any sign of weakness, she would give him no reason to coddle her.

"James?"

"Hmm?"

"I... ooph." Apparently he had stopped walking when she called his name. She, as the clever reader may have already guessed, hadn't stopped, and subsequently strode straight into him. James gave a condescending snort of laughter.

"Need a hand to hold in the dark scary passage, Evans?" His tone of voice was annoyingly patronizing, full of masculine arrogance. If he had simply taken her hand she would have let him, but holding his hand in pretense of being afraid was not something she intended to do. She didn't want him to comfort her, she just wanted **him**.

"Such a kind and gentlemanly offer, Potter, but no. I think I'll just settle for this..." she said putting her hands out in front of her and grabbed on to what felt like his waist.

"Ready?"

"Always and for anything," she replied.

"On we go then," he said, continuing down the passage, with Lily holding onto him. They walked silently for a long time. She waited until she was sure they were nearly there before she said what was on her mind.

"You lied to me, you know."

"About what?"

"You promised me a duel in Hogsmeade after you finished showing me all the entrances... And you broke that promise," she said. James remained silent as he continued down the passage. If he wanted to ignore her, then fine. Let's see him ignore this...

"You owe me a duel, Mr. Potter," she purred, "and believe me, I mean to have one." She dug her nails into the area she was holding onto. Through his clothing it couldn't have hurt, but Lily was sure he got the message.

Merlin, she could rile him up in the blink of an eye. She was so confusing. What did she want? 'Well,' the responsible part of him said, 'it doesn't matter what she wants, or what you want for that matter, the important thing is your duty.' Still, the little witch was doing it on purpose, using that sultry voice and clawing at him like that. She knew he was her professor, and she just wanted to see him squirm. Holding a cookie before him he knew he couldn't have... 'Evil wench', he thought. 'Well if it's a duel she wants, a duel she shall have.'

He forcibly removed her hands from his waist and grabbed her wrist, not her hand, but wrist, and yanked her rudely down the passage. He knew they must be there soon, so he quickened his pace, not even slowing down when he heard her tripping over her feet. He simply pulled her along even more relentlessly.

He pressed the knot and left the passage, heaving her up with him then flinging her aside. She fell to the ground with a satisfying grunt. He didn't stop to help her up or ask if she was ok. He kept his stride, walking towards the edge of the Forbidden Forest. She followed after him, a glorious vision of something, fury most likely, James thought.

He sent a slapping curse her way. He knew he had hit her, because she brought her hand to her cheek, in disbelief.

"Well, _Miss_ Evans, you wanted a duel, didn't you?" he sneered at her.

Frustration, he realised, has a deleterious affect on one's manners... He was being the most unmitigated ass. He had even attacked her before they had even begun. _Bad form..._

"You bastard!" she said, hurling her best bowling ball hex at him. He conjured a shield this time, which stopped the brunt of the curse from hitting him. He still fell over though, his hand scraping on a sharp rock. He grunted as his got back up to his feet.

"Bloody gel!" he said, as he threw a hurling hex back at her. She blocked it easily and sent one back, taking a step forward saying, "Arrogant fool!"

James blocked it just as easily. "Complacent ingrate!" He fired another, which she blocked.

"Condescending wanker!"

"Arrogant wretch!" he shouted back.

"Good for nothing!" she said firing one. "Useless!" she said firing another, "Know it All!" This time it hit its mark.

"_Bitch_," he said, wiping the blood away from his mouth. He hadn't meant to call her that, it just came out...like the blood had. They were really out to hurt one another now. They hurled hexes and insults at one another until they were both panting for breath from the effort of fighting and screaming.

"Come on, beat me!" she shouted at him violently, throwing another bowling ball hex at him. "BEAT ME!"

"You frustrating whore!" he said as he stood up again. He was so exhausted and so furious with her! The way she gloated, taunting him by challenging him to _try_ to beat her. If he could he would, damn it. Why had she turned so spiteful? The Lily Evans he thought he knew wouldn't be so cruel or wicked. What had gotten into her?

x

"Beat me!" she told him. "PLEASE!" she screamed. She needed to know he was better... but he wasn't. They would be equals had she not the unfair advantage of her accidental magic. When it came to duelling skill, they were on the same level, but she wanted him to beat her. If he could beat her, he would be better than her, and if he were better than her he could protect her...

Is that was what this was really all about? Protection? Safety? If you know there is someone out there stronger than you who can protect you, it's less terrifying. If you are at the top, no one will protect you. You are on your own. You have to protect yourself.

That was it... She didn't want to be on her own. She wanted to know that James was above her.

Couldn't he see that she needed him to win? She _wanted_ to be overpowered; she _needed _someone to be stronger than her. She wanted to be below someone simply so she could have someone to look up to. She wasn't being conceited; she knew she was an extremely powerful witch. Even her Professors, who knew more about their topic than she, couldn't compare with her abilities, and that thought scared her. There was Dumbledore of course, but he was so far away from her, so distant, so unreachable. He was _the_ Dumbledore. Even so, he would _never_ use his superior power to push her down... but that's what she wanted. She didn't want to be at the top of the ladder, it was a lonely and precarious position. She was unstable and didn't know how high up she could continue going, up, up, and up, out of control. If only someone were above her, they could control her. She'd find balance and peace of mind. She didn't want to be the strongest. She wanted someone to overpower her, tactically, mentally... or even physically.

"Come on, you can beat me! Do it!!" she shot several curses at him, one after another, and the only thing he could do was cast a quick shield and run out of their way into the forest. "No, don't run away! Don't give up! You have to win! Come on! BE A MAN!" she shouted at him as she flung a wild curse towards the tree beside him, which toppled over with a deafening crashing thud as larger branches snapped under the heavy weight of the trunk. He had to dive forward to get out of its way in time.

James saw a desperate manic glint in her eye. She wasn't trying to insult him by telling him to beat her, he realised. She wasn't showing off. She _actually_ wanted him to defeat her. _Needed_ him to defeat her. He could see it. She would spin out of control if someone didn't pin her to the earth.

She ran at him. Actually, she ran _into_ him, pounding her little fists on his chest as a maverick tear fell down her cheek. He let her continue hitting him, her punches not hurting him in the slightest. "_Be a man..._" she said again, as the blows became fewer, and the tears became more numerous. She sniffed and shoved him away from her as hard as she could.

_Be a man_... The words echoed in his brain.

She ran at him but he dodged out of her way. She charged at him again, this time he grabbed her arm and using her own momentum threw into a tree trunk. Her breaths were wild and inconsistent. He advanced on her and she lashed at with her foot, kicking him hard in the shin. He grunted, backing away for a bit before trying again. She aimed another kick but he dodged out of the way this time, closing the gap, getting too close for her to raise her legs. She yowled and went after him with nails. He pried them off of him and with one swoop knocked her legs out from under her and she collapsed to the ground.

When she tried to get up again James grabbed her arms and forced her back to the ground, pinning her arms down with his hands and the rest of her body with his own. He did nothing then, just stayed like that, waiting for her to admit defeat. 'It's not ever yet,' she said to herself. She could break his nose with a single thought... or stun him, knock him unconscious... any number of things. She didn't have a wand, but it didn't matter, she didn't need one.

Then she felt his hot breath on her face and everything went blank. She couldn't. She just... _couldn't._ Couldn't think, couldn't move, couldn't act, she certainly couldn't do wandless magic. She seemed to have lost that ability, just now, only now. With him on top of her she could think of nothing else. Her mind, her soul, her everything was empty, and yet full at the same time. Full of... _something_. She had meant to lift him off of her, but couldn't. It was a terrifying realisation when it finally dawned. _James Potter was her weakness._ She knew it before, but she didn't know that he could render her so impotent like this.

Her mind buzzed, her body tingled, her heart _raced_. He had won. She was completely vulnerable in this close proximity. She was powerless, and there was not a single thing she could do to stop him doing _whatever_ he wanted. She wriggled beneath him, trying to free herself and push him off but his grip only tightened around her, and the weight of his body pushed even harder on top of her. She stopped struggling. She was even weaker now, paralyzed by his eyes... like a snake's, hypnotising its prey before it consumes it...

Her mind and abilities may have been strong but her body was weak... _And her body was his... His to consume if he wanted it..._

x

He was on top of her. He stayed there, unmoving, until the terrible glint faded from her eyes and she was his Lily once again. Not _his_ Lily, he corrected himself. But the Lily he knew... She seemed calmer now. Her breaths were deeper, more regular if still quick. She would be alright.

'She could have me off of her in a second,' he thought. This isn't a real victory. Evans could win in a hand to hand fight. She didn't need a wand to do magic and could have him bloodied and battered if she had wanted. And while it wasn't a very appealing thought, it was a comfort to know that if it was any _other_ man who had forced her down and pinned her to the ground, he would certainly get what was coming to him.

Then James smiled as realisation struck him. 'She _could_ take me off of her, but she _isn't_...'

An angry roar came from the trees beside them. Hagrid was **livid**, barrelling towards them and in a furious rage. In a second, he had James by one shoulder and one leg and threw him as far away from Lily as he possibly could, (which, considering Hagrid's prodigious strength, was rather far). James flew gracelessly through the air. There was a sickening thud as he collided with a tall pine, then came the sounds of snapping tree branches and twigs (and the accompanying painful groans from the body that was breaking them) and another sickening thud when he finally hit the ground.

Lily could do nothing but stare in horrible fascination as she watched the progress of James's body down the tree. After a moment of lying still he began to slowly pull himself off the ground. Lily remembered herself then and ran towards him.

"James! James, are you aright?"

He growled. At least she thought he did. That low angry rumble could have easily come from a large dragon or any other unhappy beast in the forest. The long stream of invectives that followed, however, was _definitely_ that of a man. A _very angry_ man. Lily had never heard him use such foul language before and some of his expletives she had never even heard of. She decided that he must have made them up on the spot in the heat of his anger. She would have been angry too if she had been chucked into a tree.

"Well, if you can swear so creatively you can't be _that_ badly hurt..." she told him.

"Right..." he groaned sarcastically.

"James?" Hagrid repeated, confusedly, only then seeming to come out of his frenzy.

"Yes, _James_," she said turning him over and taking his face in her hands.

"But it couldn't be. I heard you scream! And I that saw someone was tryin' teh... teh... erm.. I thought someone was attackin' yeh..."

"I didn't scream I... erm... well, it wasn't a scream and he wasn't attacking me."

"But then wha... _oh_..." Hagrid said, eyes wide with comprehension. Lily flushed in embarrassment and tried to clarify to Hagrid something she couldn't even properly explain to herself...

"You see what happened was... was… was..."

"A tree was falling over and I dove to knock Lily out its way," James said.

"Oh..." said Hagrid, this explanation being much more reasonable and much less interesting.

"You came along just after..."

"I see. Sorry, Potter," said Hagrid, picking up James by the arms and attempting to brush him off, but because he did it with such exuberance, it only succeeded in knocking James to the ground again, making him even dirtier than before.

"It's alright, Hagrid..." James wheezed getting up, brushing himself off this time.

"Well, it's after midnight. Mercury will be wanting his lunch," Lily said stepping past James.

"O'course. I want off to get you from the castle when I heard... "

...Hagrid had accepted James's story rather readily, and if she didn't know Hagrid like she did, she would have thought he actually believed it. The evidence that he didn't believe (and was only pretending to in order to avoid any awkwardness and embarrassment) was his conspicuous lack of curiosity as to why she and James had been out in the forest in the middle of the night anyway, when it wasn't James's shift to take her. Besides, she had no idea how much Hagrid had even seen. If he had seen the tree fall, he would have known that it came long before James had knocked her to the ground...

Hagrid looked at Lily and she looked back, making sure her eyes would give nothing away, although she couldn't likewise vouch for her cheeks as James stood behind her, a heavy hand on her shoulder.

"Don't worry. We _will_ finish this later," he promised, growling into her ear.

As he walked passed her to join Hagrid, she got a brief glimpse of his profile and was pleased to see that he was smiling impossibly, as if he had never been unceremoniously flung into a tree in his entire life.

Back at Hagrid's, James noticed that Lily was even quieter than usual. She still hummed softly as she fed Mercury, but she left the entire conversation up to him and Hagrid. She didn't even look up once to comment. Hagrid gave him a whiskey as mixed medication and apology for the tree business.

He wouldn't ask her about what happened in the forest. He had learned that talking about things only ruined them, and made her angry with him. Their fight in the forest had been strange, certainly, but undeniably special... and the only way to keep it that way was to pretend it didn't happen. No talking about it... just let it stay there, bubbling just under the surface.

'Just like those other times...' James thought... When she had been attacked by Remus and then again on the Knight Bus. Except this one had been different. In the past it had been when she had broken down. This time she had broken down, but flared up at the same time. James had no idea what exactly was going through the girl's mind, nor did he wish to contemplate the effect of knowing there are people out to kill you might have on one's nerves... Not a good one, he'd wager. Most people, James was sure, would go into hiding. Others still might have a nervous breakdown. Lily Evans seemed to at first calmly approach the matter wand in hand to fight, and then when in private, not break down exactly, but break out. Lashing out with nothing but raw emotion she kept bottled up most of the time.

They didn't talk about what they said to each other either... or shouted, rather. They had both said some nasty things that would probably be better off forgotten. It was better that way. Plus, he reflected, if they both ignored what happened, they didn't have to ask that pesky question of whether it was appropriate or not...

Walking back to the castle Lily commented on his resilience, being able to walk about so easily after first crashing _into_, then _out of_, of tree.

"I've fallen off a broomstick from greater heights," he explained proudly, as if this were some great feat to be admired.

They ascended one set of stairs and Lily was about to turn off in the direction of her common room before he caught her elbow.

"My room is this way, my dear."

"That's nice but _mine_ is **_this_** way, _darling_," she spat out the last word with excessive venom, to make sure he understood she was being sarcastic.

"Yes, but your lovely little common room isn't exactly conducive to duelling. Wouldn't want any of your lovely little books or your lovely little chess set to get damaged, would we?" he said without relinquishing his hold on her elbow. He went up the next flight of stairs, and Lily, perforce, went with him.

He couldn't take out his cloak without letting go of her, so they walked to his office, completely visible. Fortunately, no one seemed to have spotted them save a few tight lipped ghosts...

As they walked, Lily wondered about what exactly they would be doing. He had promised to finish the duel later, but hadn't he already finished it? He had won...

'No...' said a voice in her head. 'He didn't say they would finish the duel he said that they would finish _'this'_... She squirmed slightly at the implications of whatever _this_ might be.

'No, no, no,' said a completely different voice, 'He said that your room wasn't conducive to _duelling_.' Therefore, that's what he must be talking about.

'No!' said Lily's own voice. The voice of reason, she hoped. It doesn't matter what he meant the only thing that matters is what will happen. No matter what she may want to do or want _him_ to do, she couldn't act on it. She wasn't going to lie to herself anymore. Yes, she definitely had very confusing and consternating feelings towards her Professor, but how she felt should have absolutely no effect on her behaviour. She shouldn't do anything to try to encourage him. Not only would it be hopeless, but it would be scandalously inappropriate. She knew very well it was much easier to engage a man's... erm… attention rather than his true affection. She had herself invented a spell that 'engaged his attention,' and actually used it on him once. It had ended disastrously.

'Oh this is just silly!' she thought. She just needed a good dose of old fashioned carnality to get it out of her system, but not with _him,_ of course. Someone else. Anyone else. She was just frustrated and poor Potter was feeling the effects of it. Or so she told herself.

Lily had her mind made up by the time she was back to the classroom. She had a foolproof plan. A tactic she knew would work. The moment he closed the classroom door behind them she had her wand out and ready. The moment Potter saw it he whipped his out quickly, startled, and seeming to think he was under attack.

"No need for alarm," she said. "My wand is only out for defensive purposes. I thought we might practice for Saturday..."

"Oh..." he said, visibly relaxing slightly.

"You are the dark wizard expert. If you wanted to kill me how would you do it?"

The idea was ludicrous. 'Me? Want to kill her?' he thought. 'Sirius would sooner become celibate...'

"If I were to train you for defending yourself against people who were trying to kill you..." he said carefully, not wanting to suggest in anyway, hypothetically or otherwise that he would want her to cease breathing, "then I would start off with these."

He walked over to the chalkboard and began writing down various hexes and curses, some Lily knew, most she didn't. Lily sighed in a way that was almost relief. There wasn't much relief to be had when training to face your own murder, but seeing James go back to Professor mode was one weight lifted from her mind. Her plan had worked and she had distracted him away from whatever thoughts he might have been having before. She didn't even want to know what he thought of her now. He probably thought she was some madwoman, a loose canon who randomly starts attacking people.

But he hadn't mentioned it, and she wasn't going to, and now they were occupied with other more important things anyway.

She read and reread the blackboard, studying the curses and their accompanying counter curses. They practiced several times without attacking first, then with. Slowly, in order, just as they had done before when she was practicing for the exam. Except now the curses were even more dangerous and the results even more final...

They continued practicing nonverbally for hours. Over and over and over again. Lily couldn't take much more of it. She could go on like this forever until someone stopped her...

Perhaps she had become addicted to pain. Perhaps she had wanted an excuse to finally stop. Or perhaps she wanted to suffer at James's hands in atonement for the way she knew he had suffered because of her. She really was the most terrible burden for him, she knew that. The worst kind, in fact, because she was a burden he couldn't unload, not now...

In any case, after nearly 2 hours of straight practicing, she had the fey urge to simply drop her wand and let the curse hit her. James realised too late what she had done, and he looked on in horror, knowing he was completely powerless to stop his spell now.

Lily knew which one it would be, the constriction curse... as if a giant python were squeezing you to death. Lily chose this one particularly because it wouldn't kill her instantly. She or James would have time to remove it before it could.

It hit her with a force she didn't expect. Somehow she imagined it would take her slowly, as a real serpent would but this knocked her down immediately, compressing the air painfully from her lungs in one sharp compression. She let it stay, only for a moment, just long enough to truly feel the pain she felt she deserved before she took it off and her lungs were allowed to expand and fill with air again.

"Foolish gel! You let that one in on purpose!" James said.

"I know I did..."

"Why, in Merlin's name?!" he asked frantically as he helped her up to a sitting position.

"I wanted to know what it felt like," she said, partially telling the truth.

"Evans, Lily, _dear_, you can't _do_ that to me. What if I... _it_ had killed you?" His voice was shaking.

"I knew it wouldn't kill me if I didn't let it. I wouldn't let myself die before Saturday, otherwise you won't get an arrest. I just needed to learn to face pain the way one can face death..."

James was shaking slightly. In truth, the moment he had seen her drop her wand he mind had blanked and he couldn't remember which hex he had thrown... Indeed, the constriction curse was probably the only one that could have hit her and not seriously wounded her immediately on contact.

"Are you alright?" he asked worriedly. She didn't exactly look well, but neither, he was sure, did he.

"Look away, please... I think I'm going to vomit," she said calmly.

After an interval she allowed him to come back, whereupon he picked her up and insisted on taking her to the Hospital Wing.

"I'm not going. It has nothing to do with your curse, Potter, put me down. I don't have the energy to be scolded by Madame Pomfrey tonight. I just need to rest..." Pass out was more like it...

"Why can't you be like other women instead of insisting on being so damned contrary all the time?" he complained half heartedly. He had said it. The magic words she had secretly been wanting to hear. He _didn't_ think of her as just another woman. Aside from being his pupil, aside from being his friend, she was still different. Contrary, but different.

"James..." she said softly, "put me down." James sighed and placed her in her armchair in the corner of his office.

"I don't know what to do with you," he confessed.

"You don't have to do anything."

"Yes I do, I can't just stare at you..." he said, although he couldn't vouch for the truth of that statement. Evans was definitely... stare-able. She anchored his eye...

He might well have been staring at her for the next 15 minutes, he couldn't remember. All he remembered was waking from his daze when her determined soft voice broke the silence.

"You know... I won't blame you if they succeed Saturday."

"Lily..."

"I'm not being morbid, James, I'm being realistic. We both know the risk that is involved. I just want you to know that if something happens, and they succeed, I wouldn't blame you. I know you would have done your best, so I don't want you to feel guilty or responsible, or blame yourself. Promise me you won't."

"Lily..." he said again, pleading.

"Promise me."

"I promise," he said. Finally realising that Lily might actually die the following day. He knew that the boys meant to kill her, but it wasn't until that moment that James seemed to understand that she might not here day after tomorrow. She would be no more, Dumbledore would have to choose a new head girl, Mercury would be alone, Rupert would bawl, and so would Hagrid... aside from that, nothing would change that much... Except that he would loose his motivation to teach. He'd want to leave Hogwarts, he knew that. And he would never want to see another redhead again, or see green eyes ever again, or speak to anyone ever again, but apart from that, life would go on as usual...

"You know something?" Her voice interrupted his thoughts...

"What?"

"I'm... frightened."

"So am I."

"It's not just that... but I'm afraid that if I do... you know... die... it won't matter," she said. As if she had read his thoughts she continued, "aside from Hagrid, Rupert, and Mercury, everyone will carry on as usual. Well, of course it will be a nice topic of conversation for a few weeks among the students and I'm sure it would make a juicy article for the Prophet, but really, I won't be upsetting too many people. A bit pathetic when one stops and thinks about it..." She stopped, and realised what she was saying. She was breaking the new 'don't show him any weakness' rule. "Sorry, forget all that. I was... rambling. Just... forget it."

"Your necklace."

"What?"

"Give it to me."

"Um... alright..." she said taking it off and handing it to him. He put a shield charm, and also another sort of protective spell on it, turning it into a sort of talisman. Well, if her own shield failed, maybe that would help her a bit...

"There," he said, going back to her and refastening it around her neck. He pulled the hair carefully out so that it flowed over her shoulders as it usually did.

Coming around her side to face her he took her shoulders in his hands and peered into her eyes. The sadness still lingered there, as did the loneliness and the fears of not being cared for.

He didn't say anything, he just pulled her in, trying to squeeze all her doubts away.

x

So, now she knew two hugs from him, she thought. The first being the 'I'm glad you are not dead hug' and the second being the 'I hope you don't die hug'... such morbid embraces. She felt they hardly counted. Still, she was grateful... this really could be one of her last nights here, and at least she wasn't alone. At least someone was there.

He was just so kind and so determined, he made it easy for her to pretend that he loved her. Maybe he was doing it on purpose, maybe he did this to all women, she didn't care. His kindness made it easy for her to lie to herself. Made it easier for her to trick herself into thinking she was cared for. Well, not necessarily trick herself into thinking it, but made it easier to ignore the fact that she wasn't...

She fell asleep in the armchair a few minutes after he had pulled away. His hugs had a soporific effect on her, it seemed.

He picked her up carefully. She roused enough to mumble curiously, "Hmm?" but she was too exhausted to say anything else or protest. He walked with her in his arms to his bed. He gently placed her on it before he got in himself, carefully easing himself into bed, his sore muscles and bruises complaining loudly at him. Both of them just lay there, in too much pain and too exhausted to do anything else. He made one last comment before he extinguished the light, unsure whether or not she heard it.

"_You'll be the death of me, Lily Evans_."


	26. The Calm Which Comes Before

The link to hear Lily's lullaby is in my profile. I would definitely give one of them a listen when the time comes...

x

x

"Prongs... oi Prongs!"

Lily woke with a start. Sirius's voice sounded from the mirror on the bedside table but James didn't stir, he continued sleeping peacefully. She didn't bother going to answer it either.

'Sorry Sirius,' she thought. She didn't want Sirius to know she was there; she wasn't in the mood to be teased. That, and she didn't want to admit she had succumbed, not to James but to her own weakness in needing to be by him. Of course she hadn't told Sirius about it, but that didn't mean he couldn't figure it out. Sirius Black was a frighteningly sharp man and she didn't want to equip him with this particular piece of information. He already had enough dirt in his arsenal of Sirius Blackmail, she wouldn't hand any more over for free.

Once Sirius had abandoned hope of speaking to James, Lily put her face back on his soft down feather pillow. Her eyes refused to shut. They remained open and fixed on the face so close to hers. His eyelashes looked longer when they were closed like that. They brushed his cheeks slightly. His face was relaxed. His brow wasn't wrinkled in contemplation, aggravation or laughter as it usually was. It was smooth, like his lips.

She reached out with an uncertain hand and began playing with those soft curls that tickled his forehead as she brushed them aside.

A shrill sound startled her and she drew back from him with such alacrity that she lost her balance and fell off the bed entirely.

The alarm clock that James sent flying followed soon after her. Since it hit her ribs instead of crashing to the floor, it didn't break, which made Potter's habitual mumbled '_reparo'_ completely superfluous.

Lily chided herself. She hadn't recognised the sharp ringing as the sounds of his alarm clock. She had felt so guilty about caressing James's face that in the confusion of the moment she had wildly thought of it as some alarm bell, like in a museum, alerting the proper authorities that someone has touched a forbidden object. She felt stupid now as she rubbed her newly bruised ribs. James didn't have alarms that went off if he were touched inappropriately... _but wouldn't that be an idea_.

"Good gobstones, Evans, did you sleep down there?" James asked rubbing his eyes.

"No, I... fell."

"I say, I'll never understand your fascination of jumping out of beds. You must love flinging yourself onto floors..."

"I do _not_ make a habit of jumping out of beds, _nor_ do I enjoy falling on floors. It just sort of... happens."

James yawned ostentatiously. "Good morning all the same,"

He rumpled her hair as he crossed leisurely to the bathroom and an odd sense of unreality came over her. Were people actually planning on killing her? Did yesterday actually happen? Would tomorrow actually come? Right there, in that exact moment, with the sounds of James relieving himself in the next room, Lily felt strangely at ease. As if this was just another morning.

Then Lily's mind seemed to make a conclusion she should have already realised. Even if the previous night hadn't happened it _still_ wouldn't be just another morning because it isn't every morning one wakes up in their professor's bed. That should not be a natural feeling.

She was seized by a sudden sense of propriety when she heard the shower start running and she quickly put on her shoes and left his office, taking the invisibility cloak with her.

When she stepped out of her own shower she felt refreshed, as if she had cleaned yesterday off of her. Any feelings she had, or _thoughts_ she had had the night before were simply caused by the momentary insanity she had clearly been experiencing. But now they were all washed away and she would make a fresh start. She would treat Potter normally when he came to pick her up for the dawn feeding.

x

'Gone,' James thought. He had half expected it but still didn't know how to feel about it. Deciding he shouldn't think anything of it, he went in search of her. It wasn't much of a search, considering he was 98 percent certain of where she would be.

He let himself into her common room and sat down on the couch. Once again disappointed to see there was no fire burning in the hearth. He added a few logs and lit them, smiling as warmth slowly seeped out from the burning logs and into the room.

"Why did you do that?" Lily asked as she emerged from her room, fastening her cloak about her.

"What?"

"Start a fire. We are leaving now anyway and I won't be back before tonight."

"It's just the principle of the thing. Your room should always have a fire so that it's warm and comforting. That's what makes it your room."

"Pardon?"

"Hey, you want comforting voices and tea for your cosy places, and I want a fire."

Lily didn't respond because she was too busy contemplating the implications of that statement to comment on it. She knew that he preferred her common room to his office, but she assumed it had been because it was simply larger and more comfortable. Did he actually consider it to be a place of comfort? Did he seek comfort in her room the way she sought it in his bed? She shook her head; seeking _anything_ in a man's bed had misleading connotations. She changed her 'in his bed' to 'in his presence' which sounded only mildly better.

"What are you smiling at?"

"What?" she asked completely startled. Had she been smiling? She hadn't even realised... "Oh, I was... contemplating on what I would get Hagrid for Christmas."

"Were you?"

Hardly, but no reason for _him_ to know that.

"Yes, I was thinking of a pet."

"No offence, Evans, but I think Hagrid has a great deal too many pets as it is."

"Not a _normal_ one. A nice big dog, I think; something that he can have with him at all times. I think he gets used to always having some creature around and when they leave, as Mercury will soon do, he goes off to find another. Perhaps if he has a constant _harmless_ companion he won't feel the need to bring back anymore _dangerous_ ones."

"I doubt it, but it's worth a try," he said with a smile. "Hagrid really is something, isn't he..."

"He is," she said mimicking his grin.

Lily sang the usual tune as she fed Mercury. Again, James could hear no discernable words. It seemed as if she just made up sounds at random to fit the tune...

_Huna blentyn yn fy mynwes..._

It sounded every bit as lovely as it always did. Today was no different than any other, or that's what he told himself.

Hagrid came out in the middle of her song, smiling and humming along, but the moment he saw Lily he stopped suddenly.

Hagrid started to say something, but James cut him off with a clearing of his throat and a shake of his head.

"What?" she asked suspiciously. She didn't like being kept in the dark.

"Nothing," they replied at the same time. Lily glowered at the pair of them, but could tell by the way that James was fighting to keep the corners of his lips from turning up that it probably wasn't bad thing, only potentially embarrassing.

"Just keep singing," James said, the smile now having taken over his face completely. Alright, so maybe it wasn't anything mischievous..._ maybe_.

At breakfast she forced her feet to go to the Slytherin table, instead of Gryffindor. Now more than ever she just wanted to sit with her fellows and relax in the warmth that only her house could provide. She thought fleetingly of the Gryffindor common room, and realised how much she missed it.

She took her seat next to John and began putting food on her plate that she hadn't the stomach to eat.

"What do you think doing sitting next to me?" John asked angrily. Lily stared at him in confusion, wondering what could have caused this sudden (and premature) display of wrath against her.

"Lily? I didn't even recognise you until I saw your eyes..." he sputtered apologetically.

"What do you mean?"

"You know, the jet black hair. I didn't realise it was you."

And the mystery of James's shushing of Hagrid and their conspiratorial smiles was solved. She pulled a lock from behind her ear to examine it.

"You don't like it?" she asked, as if she had done it herself.

"No, it looks great; it's just such a change... I like it. It makes you look..." More like a Slytherin, she had no doubt. Lily's golden red hair was like a banner for Gryffindor that she had always been proud of. Perhaps that was why she was their house beauty. Abbot had the soft yellow hair for Hufflepuff, Isaacs locks were raven, in sympathy with her own house of Ravenclaw, and Gasche's hair was a silvery blonde to go with her green eyes... perfectly suited for what a typical Slytherin beauty should be. Lily wondered how she hadn't seen it before. It seemed so glaringly obvious now.

Now with black hair and green eyes she seemed much more a Slytherin than Gryffindor. The nods of approval from several Slytherins around the table was proof enough and she wanted more than anything to change it back to red, back to the colour of her own house.

She started instantly trying mentally to change it back. It was immediately apparent that there was some sort of trick to it, a key, just as she had used on James only last Thursday. She thought of several things, passwords or phrases that might be required but none of them worked. Not even 'please'. She hadn't really expected it to. Resigned, she thought she'd try one last thing, crude, but in perfect keeping with Potter's odd sense of humour.

'Lily has dungbomb breath,' she thought... and starting from her roots and extending to the tips it slowly converted from black to red. 'Leave it to him to make the trick of it insulting myself,' she thought. She doubted that 'dungbomb breath' was the _exact_ password. She assumed any sufficiently creative self-deprecatory remark would do.

She tried to think of a small hex she could send across the hall to get Potter's attention, but the room was too crowded and she didn't want to run the risk of hitting a fellow student. Giving up on trying to rub her half victory in Potter's face she returned her attention to the table. It pained Lily to see Abbot and Isaacs chatting happily to their boyfriends. They would know soon enough the truth behind the counterfeit smiles.

In this moment in time, with her head resting on John's shoulder, she felt perfectly safe. She knew exactly when they planned to kill her. She needn't fear them now. Not yet.

That morning in Transfiguration, it seemed to Lily that McGonagall was treating her with an excessive amount of consideration and gentleness. Dumbledore had apparently discussed the weekend plans with her. Her suspicions were confirmed when McGonagall asked her to remain after class.

"Just a short word," she said after the other students had left. "Professor Dumbledore would like all of us to meet in his office tomorrow morning after you've fed the wain." Lily noticed that McGonagall sounded much more the clanswoman when she was emotional, not at all like the crisp brusque speech she used in lessons. She couldn't imagine her ever saying 'wain' (wee one) in a lecture...

"I understand."

"And I just want to say that it is a very courageous thing you are doing, a very fine thing indeed."

Lily had no idea how to reply to this so she simply nodded and left for Potions.

x

Sirius could tell that this was _not _the time to tease him. This was sober business, and he didn't intend to make matters worse with inappropriate humour. He listened to James's entire rant silently and understandingly.

"I've been so selfish."

"I'm surprised you aren't trying to stop her."

"Oh I did, but with no success." James sighed. "These past two days I've only been thinking of a way to get her to do what I want, and what I tell her to do, but did I think about what _she_ wanted?"

"No?"

"No, indeed! I didn't give a thought to what she might want or need. I didn't ask her, I just dragged her about, here and there, yelling things at her. We barely did anything but fight yesterday, it was terrible. I was too busy being frustrated that I didn't consider that she didn't have time to deal with my temper. She has been concentrating on Saturday, the _last_ thing she needs is a whole bunch of useless distractions from me to confuse her. I know I only made things worse... And if I _did_ have it my way, and she _did_ succeed, then that would be just another burden I've placed on her. I can't believe I let her in on this in the first place."

"You are referring to her dating a Death Eater?"

"Yes and now she is going to let herself be killed, or at least let them try so we can get an arrest. Sirius, what have I done? I feel like I've lured her in and then fed her to the wolves."

"You mean Mooney?" Sirius said, slightly puzzled.

"Merlin I had forgotten about that," he said miserably. "All that she has suffered this year has been my fault."

"Prongs, you are doing it again, and it does you no credit."

"Doing what?"

"Treating Lily as if she is just some coercible child when you know bloody well she's not. Merlin's sake, she has a free will of her own. If I am any judge of character (and I am, believe me) Lily Evans has a good but stubborn little red head on her shoulders. I doubt you could make her do _anything_ she didn't want to. If she can stand your tantrums and throw them right back, if she can beat you in a duel and then heal the wounds she inflicted, if she can look pain of death right in the eye and then tell it to bugger off, I doubt there is anything _anyone,_ even you, who could..."

"Alright, Sirus, alright! I understand, it's just that... that..."

"You think she would have been better off without you?" Sirius suggested helpfully.

"Safer, surely."

"Death Eaters were after her long before you came into her life, mate. If anything, she is better prepared for them now because of you, as are the rest of your students. We all live in dangerous times. Complete safety isn't something anyone, not even a Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, can truly give. The best we can give is comfort..."

"_Comfort?_"

"Right..." Sirius felt he had made his point the best he could, so to save the conversation from _complete_ unmanly sentimentality he added, "and nothing says comfort like a good prod with the old wand, eh? Just a spot of _comfort_ nookie..." he said with his characteristic wriggle of the eyebrows. James groaned.

"And here I thought you were being..." He stopped himself before saying it but his friend continued the thought.

"Sirius?" he said smiling infuriatingly.

"How can two homonyms be so utterly contrary in meaning?" James complained.

"It's called irony, Prongs. _Delicious irony_."

x

In Potions that afternoon, Lily won her and John 10 points for both their houses for being the first group to successfully make their assigned potion. Lily was feeling increasingly uneasy as the day progressed. The only thing that kept her nerves in tact was the thought of spending the evening with Rupert. It seemed like it would never come. Classes dragged on for ages, even Defence Against the Dark Arts at first. Potter managed a few encouraging smiles during the lesson but seeing as the subject matter was so close to what was on her mind it offered little distraction. It wasn't until after the lecture had ended and they were to begin practicing that he managed to speak to her.

"Hi Red," he said in greeting, taking in her hair.

"Surprised I got it?"

"No, not at all. Just curious as to what you used..."

"Dungbomb breath," she said trying to sound as dignified as she possibly could while admitting to something like that. Her solemn dignity did nothing to keep him from laughing though. After a few moments of relentless mirth he calmed down. "Dungbomb breath?!" he asked breathlessly, wiping away a few tears. "Merlin, I haven't heard that one since first year."

"Yes, well... it was the first thing that came to mind."

"I can't believe 'dungbomb breath' was the best you could come up with."

"It most certainly isn't! I said it was the first thing I thought of, not the best I could manage, you insufferable, malodorous, incorrigible cheese monger."

This brought fresh peels of laughter from James. Several students looked over in curious bafflement as to why their professor found it humorous to be insulted thus.

Thanks to their little display in front of the Hospital Wing, Amelia had spread word to most of the 7th year girls that Lily Evans _did not_ like Professor Potter, and her shouting insults at him seemed to further this impression. However, it still didn't account for why _he_ would find it so funny.

"You know, you sounded so much like Sirius just then," he said, still chuckling. The onlookers 'ah ha'ed in understanding. It was the resemblance to his best friend he found humorous, not the fact that the Head Girl was spitting venom at him.

"Yes well, great minds insult alike."

"That was very Sirius like too..." he said but finding the growing similarities less and less amusing (and more and more worrying.)

"Are you and Professor Potter going to duel again" Alice asked expectantly from behind her a moment later.

"No. I don't think that would be the best idea..." Lily replied, careful not to meet James's eyes. She never wanted to fight him again. She decided that if ever she and James both had their wands out at the same time again, it would be because they were fighting _with_ each other, not _against_ each other...

x

Lily was ravenous that evening as she was heading towards the Great Hall for dinner, but the moment she sat down at the Slytherin table she lost her appetite. She didn't feel like she had a stomach anymore, just a frozen pit that numbed her entirely from the inside out.

"Aren't you going to try the roast?"

"No."

"Mince pie?"

"No thanks," Lily told John, "I'm not very hungry."

"Pity, because they are delicious."

"I'm sure they are, I just..."

John gave her a sad smile and put his hand on her head, gently pushing it down to rest on his shoulder. "Poor thing. You always seem to get sick, or perhaps you still haven't recovered entirely from this weekend?"

"I'm not ill..." she said defensively.

"You're looking pale."

"I'm fine," she insisted. John cleared his throat and pushed his plate back.

"Well, I'm finished. Seeing as you aren't hungry want to go for a walk?"

Lily looked dubiously at his plate still full of food, but replied anyway, "Alright."

"See you lads later," he said as he took Lily's hand and led her out of the Great Hall. He didn't let go of it after they'd left, and it was all she could do to keep from pulling it back away from him.

"I have to go, I promised to help someone with a Transfiguration essay."

"On a Friday night?" he asked.

"I might not any time after that," she said, giving him a look she hoped concealed the wretched combination of anger and fear. If she had no time after Friday it would be his fault, and he knew it. She hoped she hid her own feelings well enough so that he didn't figure out she knew.

"Are you really alright, Lily? You look even paler now."

How could he act so concerned? If she dropped dead right there in the corridor she would be doing him a huge favour.

"I'm..." she swayed on the spot, feeling slightly dizzy. "I'm fine."

"Look, you don't have to come to Hogsmeade tomorrow. If you aren't feeling well then you really shouldn't go. We can reschedule."

'And by 'we' do you mean _you and your friends_ can reschedule another time to kill me?' she thought to herself. Well that wasn't going to happen. If Lily didn't go to Hogsmeade then she would be letting down the other girls and James wouldn't get his arrest. She would definitely go.

"No," she said forcing herself to smile at him. "I _want_ to go. I really do."

Next thing she knew she was against the wall. John was kissing her desperately and she was fighting to keep down the bile that rose in her throat. She would have been easy to purely hate him if he had shoved her rudely and had kissed her ruthlessly, but he didn't. That's what was so perverse. He was fervent yes, but so delicate and loving at the same time, just as any passionate embrace might be. She decided right then that kisses were no way to determine character. It would take someone truly cold-blooded to kiss a girl they planned to kill that expertly and lovingly. It was sick and wrong and infuriated her more than anything. He, as well as the other boys, were using the guise of love to hurt people. That was even worse that inflicting bodily pain, in Lily's opinion. It's one thing to be murdered by an enemy, but to be murdered by a lover? Surely there could be no greater treason in the world.

As John's tongue caressed her own she thought wildly of James, and how_ he_ would never betray her like this. The thought jolted her out of her thoughts and into the reality of what she was doing. Her stomach gave a sickening clench and she shoved John away, running past him as fast as she could.

She ignored his calls and kept running until she was safely outside, where she was violently ill. She stayed there for a few minutes on her hands and knees hovering over her pile of sick, shaking.

She wished she were stronger. She wished that John hadn't got to her, that she could play her role as she was supposed to play it and not let her own fears and emotions get in the way. But she wasn't strong enough, she knew that, and she hated herself for it. But at least she was the only one who knew. No one else saw her weakness. No one _else_ would be disappointed in her.

Putting a shaky hand into her robes, she fumbled around for her wand so she could clean the vomit off of the ground and off of her robes. That having been done, she crawled towards to stone steps to sit and wait for Hagrid.

_Hagrid_. She almost wanted to cry at the thought of him. She was keeping everything from him, but he was one of the few people in whom she felt she could truly confide. She desperately wanted to tell Hagrid everything, she wasn't afraid of showing him her weaknesses. Despite his being a half giant he never hid his from her. Hagrid was so honest so descent, so caring. She wanted to be able to be weak in front of someone, but it would only cause him pain to see her suffer. She just couldn't bring herself to hurt Hagrid; she didn't want to make him worry over her. Not again.

"Lily! What're yeh doin' sitting outside all by yerself?" Hagrid asked. He tried to sound admonishing but he was too pleased to see her to keep the smile from showing beneath his bushy beard.

"I'm waiting for you, of course. Thought I'd sit outside and take the air."

"Yer not s'posed to be outside on yer own at night."

"It felt safe enough on the steps. Besides, I doubt the whole 'accompanying me at dusk and dawn' is really necessary. Nothing bad has happened."

"Tha's what precautions are for, Lily. So bad things don' 'appen. And it was Dumbledore 'imself who said..."

"Yes, yes, alright Hagrid. Shall we go?" she asked extending her hands out to him to help her. He took her hands and lifted her up so that her feet left the ground. He swung her around in a circle and she giggled. It never failed to make her smile when he did that, ever since first year. Lily was much bigger now, but it hardly mattered to someone of Hagrid's size.

When her feet returned softly to the ground she wiped the hair out of her eyes.

"I see yeh changed it back."

"Of course I did. You don't think I'd let him best me like that?"

"Nope. Knew yeh'd get it sooner or later."

"I suspect it was revenge for when I turned his hair blue last week. He had to wait until the end of the day before I took it off."

"How long did yers last, then?"

"Didn't make it through breakfast," she said proudly.

Hagrid chuckled as he opened Mercury's pen to let them through. Lily took her seat next to Mercury. "Hallo, my darling. Are you hungry? You must be hungry... "

"You know..." Hagrid began, interrupting her song, "Even the nights when it isn't my turn, I wake up to listen to yeh sing that lullaby so sweetly like tha'."

"You'll make me blush, Hagrid," she warned. "And then I won't ever want to sing in front of you again."

"Sorry. Forget I said anythin'..."

When Rupert joined her in her common room a little later that evening he came well equipped with parchment, quills, notes, and chocolate frogs. Lily allowed herself to relax in the comfortable setting of her common room. Rupert had already written his essay, he just wanted her to look over it so she could make a few suggestions (corrections) and added a few notes (paragraphs). Two hours later she was finished and it was **O** material.

"Where would I be without you?" he asked as they lay across the couch cuddled up with each other. She handed him a chocolate frog.

"Let's hope it never comes to that, eh?"

He gave her an affectionate squeeze. "This was an excellent idea, Lils. We hardly see each other any more, as I was telling Professor Potter and Hagrid the other day. It seems that between them, Michaels and Mercury you don't have any time left for me.

"I will _always_ have time for you, Roo," she said. "You just have to tell me. Because it seems to me that between Emma, Gloria, Susan and Claire, you have no time for _me_," she said with a grin.

"No, no, no. You have it all wrong, my dear. I simply spend time with Emma Gloria and Claire (Susan's no longer in the picture) when I can't be with you."

"I'm honoured."

"As you should be, now hand me another frog." She did so. "I've been wondering, Lily, just morbid curiosity you understand, but how did you and Michaels ever get started?"

"I don't want to talk about it, Rooey."

"Something the matter?"

"No. But it will be all over after tomorrow, believe me."

"You are splitting with him, then?"

"You could call it that," she said, unconsciously trying to erase the memory of their last kiss by wiping the back of her hand across her lips, as if a kiss were some spare bit of food stuck on one's mouth that could be easily brushed off.

It didn't go away though. She could still feel it there so she rubbed at it again, harder this time. Rupert saw this, and after a moment understood what she was doing.

"Oh, Lily..." he said sadly, pulling her in closer. "I'm sorry."

"It'll be over soon enough..." she said.

"You don't have to go with him to Hogsmeade, you know."

"Yes, I do. Tomorrow things will be settled one way or another."

"Well, if you say so."

"I do, but could you do me a small favour?" she asked sitting up and facing him.

"Name it and it's done."

"Kiss me."

She simply couldn't stand it if her murderer would be the last person to kiss her. She had to wipe John's kiss from her mouth; replace it with a good one, a real one. With a kiss from someone who _actually_ cared for her.

"Anything for you, my dear," he said with small grin. He put a hand to her cheek and leaned in and kissed her gently on the mouth. He pulled away, and smiled sadly. He brushed her lips with his thumb and said, "All gone now, you see?" then bent in and kissed her again. "All gone..."

They reclined on the couch again, her lying on top of him, resting her head on his chest. They didn't speak; he simply rubbed a comforting hand up and down her back. Rupert didn't know exactly what had happened, but he knew that John Michaels merited an introduction to Madame Pomfrey, and he, Rupert would send him to the Hospital Wing himself to make sure he got one.

Lily drifted off, but Rupert didn't mind. Poor thing needed as much sleep as she could get. To his surprise Professor Potter strolled in at a quarter to midnight, without knocking or anything. 'So he knows her password...' Rupert thought, but caught himself quickly, and once again forced himself not to ask provocative questions. Professor Potter took in the scene with nothing more than the curious cock of one eyebrow. Obviously he was waiting for him to wake her, so he did, gently.

"Lils..."

"Hmm?" she asked, not opening her eyes.

"I do believe you have an engagement at midnight. It's a quarter 'til..."

"Already?" she asked getting off him reluctantly to stretch.

"Yes, and your escort awaits," came Potter's deeper voice from the portrait hole.

"Oh, James, you're already here... Wait a tick, I won't be long."

Back in her bedroom she searched through all her potion bottles until she found the one she wanted. She could barely keep her eyes open and wanted to stay awake for the rest of the night. She couldn't spend what might be her last night on this earth sleeping. She didn't know what else she might do, but she knew she didn't want to sleep, especially if it wouldn't be in the comfort of Rupert's arms.

She took two swallows from the bottle and put it back in the rack. Re-energized, she returned to the men in her common room.

"Thank you Roo, you were wonderful," she said giving him a kiss on the cheek. He returned it saying "I do my best..."

James watched the scene with patient ennui. He couldn't leave until Lily put on the cloak, and Lily couldn't put on the cloak until Ferris made his exit. When he finally did, James removed the cloak from his waistband and handed it over to Lily, doing his best to stifle a yawn.

"Tired?"

"Exhausted. You have no idea..."

"I think I can make a fairly accurate guess..."

"No you can't. Look at you, all shining bright and chipper. _I_ didn't get a good cuddly nap with Rupert on the couch this evening like you did."

"Did you want one? I'm sure if you asked him nicely he wou..."

"You know what I meant, Evans. Don't try and be cute. Come on, then, under the cloak."

Once at Hagrid's, Lily gracefully took her seat as James all but collapsed to the ground. Lying on one side, resting his head on one arm and shutting his eyes.

"Not being very vigilant, are you..."

"Vigilance be damned, I need a nap..."

Mercury seemed a bit uneasy that evening, as if he sensed something was wrong. Lily began singing as usual to calm him. It was a tune that by now James had heard dozens of times, a tune that now automatically played in his mind as he went to bed, lulling him to sleep. It was a tune he had learned to love, but this was the first time he had ever heard real words...

_"Hush, my dear one, sleep serenely;_

_Now, my lovely, slumber deep._

_Mother rocks you, humming lowly; _

_Close your eyes, now go to sleep._

_Angels hover ever nearer,_

_Looking on your smiling face._

_I will hold you, close enfold you;_

_Close your eyes, now go to sleep._

_Lovely darling, I will guard you,_

_Keep you from all woe and harm._

_Softly, gently I will rock you,_

_Resting sweetly on my arm._

_May you slumber e'er so softly;_

_Dream of visions wondrous fair._

_I will hold you, close enfold you; _

_Close your eyes, now go to sleep._

_May you slumber e'er so softly;_

_Dream of visions wondrous fair._

_I will hold you, close enfold you; _

_Close your eyes, now go to sleep. _

"Sing it again. Please..." was all he said. He had wanted to say so many things to her, but that was the only thing that came out because it was the only coherent desire he knew how to express.

He had never been so moved in his entire life and right then all he wanted was to hear her sing it again. He wanted to fix this instant into his memory, so that should anything happen he would have this one perfect moment to remember her by. In the hazy fog of his mind he remembered that there was something important he had to tell her, but what was it? As she sang again, James curled closer so that the top of his head pressed into her leg. He wanted to feel her, just a little bit, _feel_ her warmth as well as hear it.

x

She couldn't help but think of James as an abandoned or lost child, willing to cling to anyone kind and gentle. She placed the child's head in her lap as she continued singing, running her fingers through his hair until she finished the song.

"Again," the child mumbled sleepily into her robes. The third time she sang it the way she usually did, the way it had been sung to her when she was a child. Lily didn't think he would be able to stay awake 'til the end of it, and surely enough he didn't.

She cast charms to keep them warm, conjured a blanket to cover them and lied down to watch the stars. James moved in his sleep so that he was lying on the soft part of her stomach and clutched at her sides as if she were a pillow. It only reinforced the childish image she had of him that moment. She continued to play with his hair imagining she had a child of her own with those same wild messy black curls.

Today she needn't fear an alarm clock going off unexpectedly. She had naught but the sun, which rose only too soon.


	27. The Storm

It was a sombre air in Dumbledore's office that morning. They discussed the plan of action, and of course contingency plans for other possible outcomes of the day's venture. If it was at all possible, McGonagall was not to be seen by the ministry so as to avoid the order possibly being implicated. James was to assume the credit or responsibility seeing as he was the auror entrusted with Hogwarts affairs.

To James's (unvoiced) displeasure, it was decided that should they happen to separate, McGonagall would follow Lily, and James would follow the boys. Of course he saw the logic in this plan, but it bothered him nonetheless...

For Lily, the worst part of the morning was being taken up to Abbot and Isaacs, who had requested to see Lily before she left.

She had never seen Abbot look anything less than lovely. Now, however, she looked frightful, her cheeks were splotchy and her eyes red and puffy from recent crying. Like most Hufflepuffs, she respected loyalty above all other things and had been deeply wounded by the betrayal. Isaacs, a true Ravenclaw, was angry with herself for not having the intelligence to have seen it before. However upset they had been, they put that aside to tell Lily that no matter what, should she ever need their help in the future, she could always count on them. By this time Polly had stopped crying and Shannon had a softened determined look Lily had never seen in her before and Lily was touched, and proud to call these girls her classmates.

"Ladies, you are a credit to your houses, you truly are."

"As are you..." Shannon stated, the corner of her mouth turning up in a smile. Lily couldn't help it and smiled back, allowing herself to chuckle a bit. Polly Abbot flung her arms about Lily in a tight hug, ruining the stoicism of the moment. Lily patted her back uncertainly. Not sure when would be a good time to pull away. Thankfully she was saved the trouble of trying to decide by James interrupting.

"Evans, it's about time."

"I'm coming," she replied, releasing herself. She managed to give them both an encouraging 'don't worry about me' smile before she turned her backs to them and followed Potter out the door.

"That was rather awkward..." she told James once they left Dumbledore's office.

"I can imagine. I understand though... If someone were taking a large risk for me I would want to see them first, thank them or call them a bloody fool..."

"Do you think I'm being a fool?" she asked sincerely. "Tell me truly, James, do you think I'm being foolish?"

James stopped walking and took a deep breath before he turned to her. "No. You aren't a fool. You're just..."

"Just what?"

"Too damned brave, sometimes. I think you could use a good healthy dose of cowardice now and again," he said with a small smile.

"Watch yourself, Potter. That smacks of hypocrisy..." she said wittily. They had been joking to lighten to mood, she knew that, but Lily couldn't help but think that she was quite the coward indeed when it came to some things. For example, she couldn't even pluck up the courage to thank him for being so...

"And you could do with a bit more self control."

"I am a _paragon_ of self control! If I had any less self control you can be sure that you would..."

"I would...?"

"You would... have seen a lot more of the hospital wing. The number of times I've controlled the impulse to hex you into oblivion I can't count, but if I could I would add one more to the tally right now."

"It was a joke, Evans. In fact I rather think that your impulses are good ones, and I'm convinced you should act on them more often."

"Hmm... in that case, come with me to my room, Potter. I have something for you."

James didn't give way to any fanciful imaginings this time. Although with any other woman, 'come with me to my room' would have definite implication, he dared not even hope with Lily Evans. Not any more.

"Happy Christmas," she told him after she fished the item out of her trunk.

"It's not Christmas yet..."

"I know that, but if I give it to you now then I'll be sure you get it. It's a moleskin pouch. Anything you put in there can't be harmed, and you can only take something out if you already know it's in there. So no one else can go looking through it. It can hold a lot more than it seems..."

"It's remarkable..." he said as he inspected the two tiny stags that dangled from the draw strings. "Thank you..."

"Yes well, I'll expect something equally remarkable from you come Christmas time."

"I still have plenty of time to think about that..."

"Yes, so you have no excuse for not giving it due thought..."

As James placed the moleskin in the pocket of his robes he swore he would give the matter all the consideration it deserved. And _that_ was a lot of consideration indeed...

x

"How are the Thestrals, Hagrid?" James asked from his place by the castle doors. He was waiting for the boys to make their appearance.

"Still sick." He replied sadly. "But if you're going to Hogsmeade I can prepare you a boat."

"Thank you, but no. I'll walk," he replied. James cringed on the inside... wondering what Hagrid do to him if he knew what danger he was allowing Lily to get into... _again_...

He spotted the four boys, no sign of Lily or McGonagall yet. He said bye to Hagrid before disappearing under the cloak.

"Where is she?" Walsh said looking around.

"I told you, Lily and I had a huge row last night. She probably won't show..." Michaels said. James was confused. Lily never mentioned any of that at all...

"No, there she is with Miranda by the boats, I see them." Peters said, pointing in that direction.

x

"Polly and Shannon aren't coming. Dumbledore told me this morning that he planned a meeting with them because he is considering making them student ambassadors. He thought they would be the best choice to represent Hogwarts to other schools..." Of course this was completely untrue, but Gasche accepted the story without question.

"Just a Ravenclaw and a Hufflepuff?" she asked sceptically.

"I think the idea was to send over rather more neutral representatives. I think Gryffindor and Slytherin might be a bit overpowering."

Gasche smiled the first genuine smile Lily had ever seen. It was more of a proud sneer, but at least it was a genuine proud sneer. Obviously she wasn't offended by the fact that Slytherin wasn't chosen. The thought that they might be too intimidating pleased her.

"Oh, there they are..." Miranda said with a regal upward tilt of her chin. How she managed to look down her nose at the same time Lily didn't know. Perhaps it was a special talent known only to purebloods.

She turned to look in the direction the beautiful Slytherin had indicated and sure enough saw the four boys approach and felt the invisible warmth that accompanied them. James put an invisible comforting hand in the small of her back, like a phantom, but assuring instead of haunting.

"Sorry lads," Gasche said before any introduction or greeting. "Looks like your dates have plans elsewhere..."

"Oh?" Said Peters with lifted eyebrows.

"Yes, it seems that Dumbledore has more important things for them to do..." she said condescendingly. So it looks like it's just me and Evans." Gasche drawled. Lily couldn't explain it, but she was beginning to like Gasche. Perhaps it was because she had saved Lily the trouble of explaining the other girls' absences. It would throw less suspicion on her if they heard it from someone in their own house. Or perhaps it was the cool indifferent way she treated every situation. Lily wished she could have that kind of sangfroid.

"Fine then," Walsh said. Let's go."

"I'm _not_ walking." Gasche stated imperiously. "You can, Evans and I will take a boat."

This being no subtle suggestion, Lily took her place in one of the boats. The tall dignified tabby jumped in after her.

She was glad Miranda had suggested the boat ride. It made Lily feet slightly nostalgic of first year, except instead of coming to Hogwarts for the first time, she was leaving it... _for the last time_? Surely not...

"Lovely, isn't it..." Gasche said halfway out.

"It is" Lily replied truthfully, trying to pet McGonagall who seemed to want to sit stiff and straight, reflecting her own pristine posture as a human. It took several "good kitty"s from Lily to force her to act more catlike, and settle on her lap.

"That's _your_ cat?"

"Yes she is."

"She looks familiar..."

"Not surprising. You probably see her everyday. She's always somewhere about the castle."

"What's her name?"

"Athena," Lily answered after the briefest moment of thought. The cat squinted in approval at such an appropriate pseudonym.

x

Meanwhile James was following the 4 boys on the road, listening intently to their conversation.

"I know what you are all thinking and it doesn't matter. We continue as planned. Evans is the only one that really matters." James stiffened, forcing himself not to act. "Besides, taking her down will be much easier if it's four against one."

James swore silently and violently. He gripped his wand tightly in his fist, as if the wood were positively itching to be used. He withdrew the moleskin Lily had only given to him an hour ago, put it between his teeth and bit down hard. He had to do _something_ to stop himself from precipitate action.

"Won't it be three 'gainst one?" Nott asked. "If you have to stay with Gasche..."

"No, I want to be there for this..." he said lustfully. The boy's tone of voice disgusted James. "You leave Miranda to me. I might leave for a few minutes but don't you _dare_ do it without me!"

Nott and Peters mumbled something in agreement, but Michaels said nothing at all. The conversation ended there, and the rest of the walk was spent in heavy, anticipated silence. James couldn't stop himself from glancing towards the lake every ten seconds, to mark the little boat's progression.

x

"So where to first?" Walsh asked enthusiastically once they had reconvened on the other side of the loch.

"3 Broomsticks?" Ed Peters suggested.

As they had planned, Lily tactfully vetoed this idea. Not only would Professor McGonagall run the risk of being trod upon, but the pub would be so entirely packed that James would have a near impossible time under the cloak.

"Alright Evans, what do you suggest then?"

"Well, I thought perhaps a bit of Christmas shopping?"

"An excellent idea. Go with your friends for a bit, my dear. I want to buy your Christmas gift and I can't do it with you around."

"Alright, Evans you want to join me?"

"No." Walsh answered for her. "John's already got her gift and I thought I'd ask her advice, you know, get a woman's taste. I want to be sure you really like it."

"How sweet..." she said, but she sounded just as bored as she always did. "Very well then, I'm off."

x

James knew the time was drawing closer. They had managed to get rid of Gasche, which meant that they were now ready to make their move.

They avoided the really crowded shops (Honeyduke's and Zonko's not being places suitable to buy a lady's Christmas present) and went in a few less busy stores. In the second store they tried, Lily pointed out something to Walsh she thought Miranda might like. They were both leaning over the display case when James saw Michaels draw his wand surreptitiously. Every muscle in James's body was taut with fearful anticipation.

For several moments, the boy did nothing but stand there wand in hand. James had been beginning to wonder if he had overreacted when a curse shot out aimed directly at Lily. They necklace which James had put defensive spells on deflected the curse, causing it to ricochet off and smash into the large front window, which shattered into thousands of tiny shards.

No one had seen the curse but James, so everyone in the shop was startled at the sudden crash.

"Goodness gracious..." said the aged proprietor approaching the sad remnants of what used to be the window. "Did anyone see that?" she asked the room at large. No, no one had seen it, they said.

"Perhaps it came from the street," said Peters. "But they'd be long gone by now. Some young lout who thinks he's being clever..." Walsh looked at John questioningly, but Michaels only shrugged.

"How very irritating..." said the old witch, and with a wave of her wand the window repaired itself, shards flying back quickly to their previous places one by one in a steam of flying glass sending refracted bits of coloured light dancing off all the walls in the room. It would have been beautiful at any other time.

'Well there's a first...' James thought. He never thought he'd live to see the day when Dumbledore would be wrong...

That momentary excitement having passed, Walsh made his purchase and the group exited the shop to simply take a stroll about the village. 'Getting close...' James thought. When Walsh suggested they go into the forest, James knew the time had come.

"I want to show you something..." he had said. "A secret passage way to Hogwarts..."

They walked into the woods, and James had to be careful to step always in the footsteps of someone else so he wouldn't make any new prints, making it very difficult for him to walk quickly enough. 'Damn,' he thought as the snow crunched traitorously underfoot. He looked up at the group but no one seemed to have noticed. 'I can't be staring at my feet the whole time, they could attack at any second. Why does it have to be so damned quiet?'

As if Lily could hear his thoughts she began singing. It was the same tune as always, but she had switched back to the version that didn't seem to be real words, just the stream of beautiful sounds that fit the tune. He didn't understand but he felt their warmth, reassuring and strong.

..._cariad mam sy dan fy mron... _

x

She could feel James's presence; he was there under his cloak watching over her. He would be there to protect her. McGonagall as well, she could see the little cat out of the corner of her eye. She wasn't alone.

She knew that the mission would be a success whether she died or not. But what about James? If she died then James would fail in his duty as an auror. He couldn't tell his superiors that she had volunteered to help him, and therefore they couldn't know that her dying wasn't James's fault. No matter what James might lose his job, either for admitting that he revealed himself to a student, or for letting that student die. It was touching that he was willing to sacrifice his job in order to get rid of these Death Eaters, but she couldn't let him.

She also knew he would blame himself and she couldn't allow that. She couldn't disappoint him. The memory of that morning flashed in her mind; she had sat with his head in her lap as she sang. It wasn't about failing the mission, it was about failing him. All the time and effort he spent training her and keeping her alive only to die now wouldn't be fair to him. She couldn't do that to him he deserved better. Besides, who would grade his papers when he got too lazy to do it? She had a reason to live. Mercury needed her, James... well, she needed to be needed by him, and she would stay around until he did. She wouldn't leave now. She was going to take control of this situation and damn anyone who tried to stop her.

She veered over towards Walsh, and grabbed his arm. He stopped and turned around to her questioningly.

"What?" he asked shortly. She didn't reply, not in words and not at first. _I rather think that your impulses are good ones, and I'm convinced you should act on them more often..._

Quick as lightening she yanked up his sleeve catching him completely off guard. Sure enough, a black serpent entwined with a skull was tattooed there.

When the initial shock passed and comprehension dawned Walsh lashed out at her, not bothering to use magic, simply backhanding soundly her across the face. The scratch made by his ring stung badly but Lily didn't move to touch it. She let the blood trickle down her cheek. If she saw the blood she might not be able to stop herself from debilitating the bastard in every possible way she could think of (off the top of her head she could think of 5). She knew she had to wait for him to make his move first... never in her entire life had waiting been more torturous...

"Mudblood whore," he spat.

"What?" she asked with relative aplomb. "Didn't think I'd figure it out?"

"You knew?" John said, his tone indecipherable.

"I hoped I was wrong... I wanted to believe in you John, I really did, foolish of me. I only figured it what you were up to when we entered the forest... when I realised we weren't headed in the direction to _any_ of the Hogwarts passages..." She turned back to Walsh. "So, seeing as you are going to kill me you can at least tell me why."

This rather bold statement shocked all four boys, and she was sure to some extent, McGonagall and Potter as well. Hell, she shocked herself. She had no idea what she was doing, she was simply acting on impulse.

"Foolish indeed," said Walsh with a smirk. "Foolish hope and foolish question. Why would we want to kill a mudblood? Well, that question answers itself, doesn't it?... Ed!"

"No, Ed!" John yelled, but he paid no heed.

The two seconds that followed Edward's shouted "Avada Kedavra!" seemed like hours as a great silence filled the woods. All of the people gathered there whether they were visible or not gasped as one, and waited...

But nothing happened. He obviously didn't want to kill her badly enough. Lily was in no mood to thank him for his deficient bloodlust. She had her wand out pointing it at each boy in turn, wondering who would be the next to try, and therefore who she should brutally incapacitate first.

"Out of the way, you fool. _I'll_ do it," said Walsh, annoyed.

"**Damned if you will!**" James bellowed. He appeared from beneath his invisibility cloak at the same moment McGonagall transformed into a human. Walsh wheeled around to face Potter, and Lily wasted no time in sending a particularly brutal bowling ball hex at him. She could see James slight disappointment that Lily had got there first but he wasn't going to grudge her for it. McGonagall stunned Nott and James turned his attention to Peters. Ed made an attempt to fight back, but was no match for James's superior skill. Lily rather thought that James let the boy attack first on purpose, simply so that he could easily block it and fire a nasty hex back in 'defence'. Professionalism briefly forgotten for the sake of revenge. Ed had tried (and thankfully failed) to kill Lily with **the** unforgivable curse and James had no intention of simply letting him off with a stunner.

The entire thing had taken less than a minute, and now it was all over. Lily barely believed it. All that, all those days of turmoil for one wild thrilling minute of pure adrenaline.

Three of the boys lay unconscious on the ground, and the fourth simply looked around with his mouth open in astonishment as he let his wand fall and put his hands in the air.

"Minerva, watch them, I'll inform the ministry."

"Yes," she answered sharply, only taking her eyes away from the unconscious boys long enough to give him a nod. James walked up to Lily, his hand slipped behind her hair as he caressed the back of her neck ever so briefly before he withdrew again it and disapparated.

She didn't know if it was James's touch or the incredible rush of triumph that caused the gooseflesh to stand on her skin of the back of her neck. All she knew was that she didn't have time to think about it.

"Incarcerous!" Lily said, binding the three unconscious boys as McGonagall sent a patronus to the castle.

John simply picked up his wand off the ground and handed it to his Transfiguration teacher as Lily summoned the other boys wands.

James hadn't even been gone for a minute before he returned, saying the ministry would be there in 10 seconds or less. McGonagall took this as her cue and handed James the boy's wand before she transformed back into a cat just as several ministry employed witches and wizards arrived. As Lily watched the tall tabby disappear amongst the ensuing commotion Lily found herself wishing she could do the same.

Not _once_ in the ensuing half hour did James even _glance_ at Lily. She was passed from auror to auror, asked the same questions, and gave them the same answers...

It wasn't until John was about to be taken away that James appeared to remember her. He was discussing something with the auror holding Michaels when John interrupted.

"Wait! Can I just have a word with Lily? Please? Only for a minute."

"You just tried to have her killed, so... no," James snapped angrily.

"Please?" he insisted. His eyes looked so earnest Lily couldn't help but pity him. She walked over to where they had him restrained.

"Sorry John," she found herself saying. Why she was apologising to a boy who had plotted to kill her, she didn't know. James looked nothing short of affronted and stomped off, throwing his hands in the air in a defeatist sort of gesture.

"No. _I'm_ sorry," he said looking around to make sure that his fellow Slytherins were out of earshot. Seeing that they were still unconscious he went on. "I was afraid you didn't get my letter..." Lily had no idea what he was talking about. She was about to ask, but was cut short as he continued. "Thank Merlin you are alright. When you showed up here I thought that you didn't get my warning not to come, but I guess you did, and took better action. If I had known that's what you were planning I wouldn't have cursed you earlier; I was desperate of a way to get you out. I thought that if you collapsed in the middle of a crowded store you'd be forced to be taken back to school..."

So _that's_ what that had been about...

"I know I apologised in the letter but let me say again that I'm sorry. I didn't know at the time what they wanted me to do. I was a fool, a weakling to go along with all the others and to do what my parents told me to do. I was a coward not to stand up to them... and because of that cowardice you could have..."

"But what about you?" she interrupted.

"Hey, I'll be safely tucked away in Azkaban." he said with light humour that she would never have been able to recreate if _she_ were about to be sent to prison. "The Dark Lord can't know I betrayed him, especially since I'm going to be sent to Azkaban for something he ordered us to do."

"Maybe we can get you out. In trial we can..."

"No, I deserve to go. And even if I do get let off, then I'll have to go back to the Dark Lord... No, my place is in Azkaban..."

"I'll owl you, if you like."

"I think I would, thanks. Give the dementors a fresh supply of happiness to suck away." This time his tone was not at all light and humorous, but gloomy and low, as if he were face to face with a dementor at that very moment. "Look, I know I don't deserve to look at you, let alone kiss you, but will you at least let me say goodbye? I need..."

"That's enough." Potter said harshly as he came up behind them. "Time to go." Without another word he took John away, flatly denying him his last request.

Potter was talking to Alastor Moody and several other aurors, once again too busy to pay attention to Lily.

James went with a group of aurors took the boys away using side along apparition, leaving Lily with her thoughts, and other members of the Magical Law Enforcement, including Agatha Argyle. Lily didn't want to think about Agatha Argyle so she turned her mind to other matters.

John mentioned having owled her, but she had obviously not received it. Perhaps he hadn't written a letter at all, and just said that to gain her sympathies. Deciding that she would want to know if such a letter existed before she reported to the Order and gave her official statement to the Auror's office the next day, she took a few steps away and silently tried to summon it. _Accio John's letter to me!_ She thought furiously.

"Please let it come... please let it come." She wanted to believe that John was the good person he had appeared to be at the last. She shut her eyes and prayed. "Please please please please pl..." THWAP. Her continuous line of pleases had been cut off be something slapping into her face. Her eyes widened at the parchment now on the ground, Her name was scrawled on the front. Quickly, she bent down and picked it up, opening it with hurried and jittery hands.

_Lily, _

_I hope you find this letter before it's too late. Lily, for the love of Merlin don't come to Hogsmeade. You should hate me for what I've done, for what I was going to do, but I can't do it, nor can I step aside and let them do it. You aren't safe. I joined the Dark Lord's ranks a year ago, and we were ordered to take you into Hogsmeade and kill you in the forest. I know you can never forgive me... how could you... I can't even forgive myself... _

_I've told the boys that we had a row and you broke up with me, and you aren't likely to meet us... _

The letter continued, filling the entirety of both sides of the page with more apologies and explanation. It even mentioned, ... _I was supposed to give you a cursed necklace, but I couldn't do it. When it came in the post I threw it in the lake and said that it never arrived. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw you wearing it three days later like it was nothing. I don't know the particulars of that, but I do remember visiting you in the hospital wing... again, I'm unbelievably sorry for the pain I must have caused... I thought I had saved you from it by throwing it somewhere you couldn't possibly find it... _

Excellent evidence for his defence, should he want to lessen his sentence, but she doubted he wanted to be publicly revealed... only to alert the Dark Lord to his treachery and be killed for it. She decided she would keep the letter a secret for now... and tucked it into an inner pocket of her robes. Were prisoners allowed to write letters? If not she might have to visit him in Azkaban to ask...

"Miss Evans?" A woman's voice brought her out of her thoughts. The woman was Agatha Argyle, holding parchment and quill. "I need to ask you a few questions about what happened..." No doubt the same questions she had already answered.

"Ask Professor Potter." Lily replied. "He seems to know more about this than I do. I was just meeting my boyfriend and his friends in Hogsmeade when everything started happening all at once. Next thing I knew everyone appeared and arrested them... perhaps _you_ can tell _me_ what happened."

This seemed to slightly fluster the witch.

"Yes, well...someone will be in contact with you once things have been sorted out. You will be informed of the dates and times of their trials."

"Trials?" Lily didn't like the sound of that. She knew from the seemingly endless investigations by the muggle police on her parents suspicious deaths that the justice process was a long one, yet another thing that would take up time in Lily's schedule.

"Now, tell me about James Potter," she asked.

"My Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor?" Lily asked in mock confusion.

"Yes."

"I don't know if I can tell you anything useful. What do you want to know?"

"How was here at the time of the attack?"

"I... don't know. In the right place at the right time I suppose. Lucky huh? Having your Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher pop up when you most need defence against dark arts. Thank Merlin he happened to be in Hogsmeade, otherwise... they might have..." She didn't finish her sentence, pretending to become overwhelmed with the thought of the murder attempt. Lily assumed that Agatha was just checking up to make sure Lily didn't suspect Potter's real position in the Ministry.

Potter reappeared then, apparently having handed off the boys to a secure place, or at least to other people who would take them there. He met Lily's eyes.

Argyle, seeming to realise that Lily's attention was diverted elsewhere and turned to see.

"Well done, Evans," he said as he approached.

"Thanks..." she said, heaving a relieved sigh for the first time. Now that James was there she seemed to be able to relax.

"James, she doesn't..."

"It's not your business."

"No, James. She can't," she said finally.

"Lay off her, Aggie."

Lily was expecting it, and silently and wandlessly deflected the 'obliviate' Argyle aimed at her. Still, Lily put on a blank expression and stared directly in front of her, the way she had seen before when Ministry sanctioned Memory Modifiers had to come and obliviate several muggles' memories after her parents' attack.

"You have gone too far Argyle!" James growled angrily. She turned to face him. "You can't have a student know, James! She'd tell other students then the entire school would know and your position at Hogwarts would be compromised."

"Leave me and my affairs alone. Were you authorized to erase her memory?" James glowered at her, then looked to Lily sadly. Lily gave him an impish wink and his eyes widened in surprise. Agatha, noticing the sudden change of expression on his face whirled around to look at Lily, but by that time she had already put the blank expression back on, and continued staring out at nothing. James fought hard to keep the grin away and keep his face stern.

"No, but..."

"But nothing. You intruded in on a case you weren't even assigned to! You have no place in my life anymore, so stay out of it. Count yourself lucky that I won't turn you in this time for modifying a memory of a witness without permission," he said storming off.

Lily thought that by now the charm should have worn off, so she focused her eyes and gave a soft little, "oh."

Agatha turned around, and Lily was startled to see tears in her eyes. "Miss Evans?"

"Yes... are you alright ma'am?" Lily asked, genuinely concerned.

"Oh... yes..." She said wiping away the tears. "Allergies." She added in explanation.

"Oh..."

Agatha handed her off to another member and disappeared. It was another hour before Lily was escorted back to the castle. She ignored her fellow students who were shouting questions at her. She got everything from, 'are you alright,' to 'how did they try to kill you,' and even a 'planning on any conjugal visits to Azkaban?' She ignored them all, walking past them.

Some, mainly the seventh years that considered themselves somewhat closer to her, followed her up to her room. She still refused to answer any questions with full answers. Just one word responses, like 'yes', 'no', and a few cut off phrases like, 'I don't know', or 'they are looking into the matter'. She cupped her hand to her mouth and whispered the password to the portrait hole and slunk in, shutting it immediately so no one else could follow behind her.

Once the portrait hole was safely shut she leaned against the wall and slid down it, just sitting there by the door, her back against the cold stone. Her head was wrecked, she just wanted some peace and quiet...

She saw something fly towards her in her peripheral vision and she caught it automatically. It was a chocolate frog. She looked over and saw Potter sitting on one side of her couch.

"There's a welcome in the vales," she muttered sarcastically under her breath. 'I finally return home after a harrowing experience and he hurls things at me the moment I enter the portrait hole...'

"Nice reflexes."

"Thanks," she said, both for the compliment and for the frog. She stood up and went over to the fireplace, plopping down on the other side of the couch, propping her feet up on his lap. Of course he already had a roaring fire going. He eyed her muddy footwear dubiously and quickly pulled out his wand to clean them, then after another moment of consideration, he simply removed the shoes all together.

"I have a question," she said, raising her hand as if she were in a classroom.

"Yes Miss Evans?" he replied. It would have been funny if they didn't feel so awkward about _actually_ being student and teacher.

"Why did neither you nor McGonagall stun John? You simply left him there..."

"Erm... Well I suppose I can tell you now..." he said, not looking at her. Lily waited for a moment before she lost her patience.

"Well? Are you going to tell me or aren't you?"

"Dumbledore said he didn't think John was much of a threat but not to tell you nevertheless. We didn't know how it would effect you and we couldn't run the risk of you lowering your guard. I know what Dumbledore meant now. He must have thought that Michaels didn't have the nerve... but it was him that shattered the window. A curse he sent at you rebounded off you and into the glass."

"I felt it..." Lily said sadly. That had been John's attempt to get her out of Hogsmeade and back into the safety of the castle. James must have mistaken her tone of voice.

"I'm sorry. I thought that shield charm would have been strong enough. I didn't know it had hit you in any way..."

"No, I mean I felt the recoil of the curse hitting the shield. The curse didn't touch me at all, I don't even know what it was."

"Neither do I come to think of it..."

James shrugged and continued to stare into the fire. It was then Lily noticed that he hadn't actually looked her in the eyes since she came in.

"Is there something the matter?"

"What? No..."

"Then why aren't you looking at me..."

x

James couldn't tell her say how relieved he had been... so he didn't...

He had been so happy they succeeded that he had almost kissed her right there in the forest. He had even gone so far as to put his hand behind her neck to pull her in. But they had had more pressing business... Then after that there had been too many people around, and now...

Well now things were back to normal... And he didn't need to be reminded that one does not _normally_ kiss their student...

"I will when you clean that frightful blood off your face," he said, proud of himself for keeping his voice calm and even. The mere _memory_ of that slap enraged James, more than any other thing the death eaters had done.

"Oh..." Lily said, conjuring a cloth with which to cleanse herself.

"You know the worst part about it all?" she said.

"What?"

"All the repetitive questions that came afterwards... and it's not over, they mentioned trials as well..."

Potter puffed out some air in something one might consider a light laugh. "That _is_ the worst part about the job."

"I don't know if I did the right thing though..."

"What are you talking about, you did splendidly. That rolling up the sleeve bit and provoking them into a verbal confession was positively inspired."

"I meant with the question answering afterward. I just played stupid, really. I'm not sure my ignorance was very believable."

"Moody'll smooth things over when I tell him everything. What Crouch doesn't know can't hurt him."

"He won't get mad at you for..."

"No. Moody is serious about catching dark wizards, doesn't seem to care too much about the spello-tape and fine print. He's broken more than a few rules in his day to achieve his goals... there are several nonempty cells in Azkaban because of it."

Lily nodded as she nibbled her frog. After a moment of silence she said randomly, "You made her cry, you know..."

James took a moment before answering. "I know..." he said, then turned to face her. "Wouldn't be the first time."

"How long have you..."

"We aren't," he said quickly. He turned back to the fire. "Not anymore, although she doesn't seem to grasp that."

"Why did you break up?"

"She just seemed to invade every bit of my life, I felt smothered. She was there at work, she was there at home, she was just always _there_, always begging for attention that I never seemed to be able to give. When I came to Hogwarts it was like a breath of fresh air. I could go entire blissful days without seeing her. Once I realised that I ended it. She seemed to think it was because I was living at Hogwarts and we weren't seeing each other as often, so she tried to visit me here at the castle. I put an end to that, and she still didn't seem to get the point, owling me constantly and showing up randomly at school. And now this stunt this afternoon. Fairbanks said she asked especially to join in today. She just won't leave me alone, it's like she is stalking me."

"That's rich coming from the man who consistently comes into my room without permission..."

James raised an eyebrow and said, "Are you complaining?"

"No, just pointing out the irony."

"Good. But anyway, that stunt she pulled with you. Erasing your memory, or trying to..." he said, giving her a quick proud smile "I mean... it's just... unprofessional."

"Have you got a quill?" She asked.

He reached into his robes and pulled out a short one, almost all nib and no feather, rather like a normal pen... She started writing as he continued his tirade as if he hadn't been interrupted.

"She just barges into _my_ case and then very nearly bungles it! We aren't partners anymore, and she can't just take those kinds of liberties."

"Perhaps she was just worried about you..."

"Doesn't matter, I'm not her concern."

"I'm sure if she could help it, she would."

"She can help not butting in all the time and stop asking the other guys what I've been up to. She even went to Sirius to ask about me. Sirius!"

"Now that _is_ going a bit too far..."

"A bit? It's far too far. I've had enough..."

"Prongs!" A voice said. Potter fished in his robes and pulled out the mirror.

"Yeah mate."

"Guess who just showed up at my doorstep in tears."

"Don't tell me."

"That's right. As amusing as your heartbroken female friends are, this one is getting a bit tiresome."

"Sorry mate, not like I tell her to go to you or anything..."

"I know. Just thought I'd let you know. Anyway, I was thinking perhaps you and I could pop down to London. There are a few..."

"Did I point out that I'm not alone, Sirius?"

"No. Failed to mention it. Bird or bloke?"

"Bird."

"Right, I'll catch you later then."

Potter nodded and turned to Lily.

"Sorry about the bird comment," he started, but Lily wasn't listening, she was staring at the mirror in his hand. James moved the mirror away from him, Lily's eyes followed, he lifted it above his head, Lily's eyes followed. In the end he just set the mirror in her lap and she picked it up at stared out it.

"What charm did you use to do that?" she asked amazedly, doing her best to act like this was the first time she had ever seen it.

"Didn't actually. Bought the pair in 4th year, gave the other to Sirius for Christmas."

"Where did you get them?"

"Erm... bought them off a friend, well, sort of a friend called Fletcher."

"_Mundungus_ Fletcher?"

"You know him?" he asked, incredulously.

"Sylvain isn't the only one who does his business deals in the Leaky Cauldron..."

"Indeed..." James said, clearing his throat. She turned her attention back to the mirror.

"Siri..." she began but he snatched the mirror back before she could finish.

"Are you mad?"

"I just wanted to see how it worked," she said innocently.

"It works just as you think. You say his name, or he says mine, and then you talk. Plain and simple. No need to test it out, it works perfectly I assure you."

"Fine. I understand. You are afraid because you think Sirius will say something incriminating or embarrassing."

"I _know_ he will. This guy has been my friend for 13 years. The dirt he has on me could fill all the underground vaults at Gringotts."

"So you are afraid he might tell me what he did to get your back for using Rictasempra on him for half an hour?"

"Exactly. That or any number of other things."

"You know, you could just tell me yourself so you don't have to fear other people telling."

"Nope."

"They can't be all that bad."

"They aren't, but still..."

"Fine. You can keep your secrets and I can keep mine."

"What kind of secrets are you keeping?"

"Uh uh uh..." she said shaking a finger. We aren't telling, remember?"

James was curious. He didn't think for a moment that she was just saying that only to get to him, he knew that she probably had a wealth of secrets. Not only about her dodgy health, but about other things. She had become an animagus, which he only found out about accidentally. Who knows what other things she had done, other spells or potions she had created. This was a girl who had swum with the merpeople in the loch, and also had surprised the hell out of him when he learned that she and the local centaurs knew each other by name. And she knew people like Sylvain Chevalier and Mundugus Fletcher... This put a apprehensive idea in his head.

"Anything... illegal?" he asked tentatively.

"Any of yours?"

"We aren't going to get anywhere with this."

"Not if you insist I give the same information you yourself refuse to provide," she said getting up. She walked over to where Ebony perched and handed her the letter. The bird took it in one clawed foot and flew away out the open window.

"Who is that for?" James asked.

"It's a secret," she replied cheekily. She still had several secrets she kept from Potter, and this would be one of them for now. She was pleased when the reply came back almost instantly.

_I'll be there... _

This entire week Lily had felt this growing need, and now, after everything she had been through, she had finally made the decision to satisfy it.

Tonight she would meet Sirius Black...


	28. The Meeting part one

**The Other Side to Sirius Black** part one

Throughout the entire afternoon Lily had people pounding at her portrait hole, wanting to ask Lily about what had happened. After the first hour Lily and James just learned to ignore it and continue with the conversation, and soon enough the tragedy whores lost interest or hope in satisfying their morbid curiosity and left.

"You'd think they'd have something better to do..." Lily said after another one of these encounters.

"Well Death Eaters in the school is a rather large issue..."

"Yes, and if they had any decency they would be afraid or discussing the matter sensibly rather than wasting time at my portrait hole, wanting what they imagine to be the sordid and gory details."

"They weren't that gory, where they?"

"Not at all."

"I think that was the cleanest arrest I've ever made. It was well handled Evans, well handled indeed. Almost perfectly hassle free."

"Thank you, I tried." She had tried exceptionally hard, as a matter of fact. Arranging your own attempted murder on your own terms is tricky business...

The pounding started again. As usual they ignored it, but until like others they didn't seem to give up.

"Merlin some people just won't quit!"

Potter heaved a sigh. "You want to go to _my_ office, Evans? This is going a bit far..."

"Lily!" the person said. She recognised the voice as Rupert's.

"It's Roo," she said with a relieved sigh. "Under the cloak, if you please, Potter."

She strode to the portrait hole as Potter concealed himself.

"Roo, are you alone?"

"Not as alone as I'd like to be," he said, voice muted slightly by the portrait and the wall. "Oh bugger off, will you!"

Lily opened eased the portrait open slightly. "In, Roo. Quickly."

He squeezed in and Lily shut the pushed the portrait back hastily after him.

"It's been madness, trying to get in here. I didn't hear about it until I got back an hour ago. You're sure you are alright?" he said the moment he got in.

"Positive," she replied. He gave her a hug which she gratefully accepted.

Potter hadn't even bothered to give her of his 'I'm glad you aren't dead' hugs. "Thanks... I needed one of those," she said aloud, hoping she was making her point without sounding like she was _trying_ to make a point. Rupert closed his eyes, and leaned his forehead against hers, sighing.

"You knew, didn't you?"

"What?"

"You knew what they were up to and you went to Hogsmeade anyway, didn't you. That's why last night..."

"Yes..." she said, cupping Rupert's cheek with her palm. "Thank you."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I couldn't. I just wanted to be with you..."

James felt decidedly awkward being a silent spectator to this scene. He was just opening the door to sneak out when he heard Ferris say something far too interesting to ignore.

"I knew there was something strange about you seeing Michaels... it's not like you to date two men at the same time."

"I know to whom you are alluding and we _aren't_ dating..."

"It seems like it..."

"Well we aren't."

"He's too old for you anyway."

"Only 5 years, but that's not the point. We aren't seeing each other..."

'5 years?' James thought. He was 5 years older than Lily, was Ferris referring to him?

"I saw that letter... who else would say something like '_my dearest darling beloved, we must both suffer for our love...'_ Come on Lily, you can't deny there is something there..."

"His writing style is... uniquely unfortunate. He gets carried away with romanticisms, but I assure you he isn't the romantic type..."

"He sent you flowers, lilies and petunias!"

"Yes, I know, thank you. Yes, he may care for me in his own demented way but..."

"Tell me the truth, Lily. Please."

"The truth is that I don't know exactly what he is. He's just... there... I can't tell you what I don't know."

"You know he came into your hospital room while you were sleeping. To drop off the flowers. He said he didn't want to wake you... he stroked your hair, and cheek, kissed your head... You don't do that sort of thing unless you care for them." Rupert was thinking that Professor Potter had done the same thing, even held her hand and cried, but he decided not to tell Lily (or anyone) about this. Going down that road, Rupert knew, was more trouble that it was worth. Better leave it entirely alone, because it would surely blow up one day, and Rupert would rather not be there when it did.

James stood there silently, wondering. He had seen the flowers himself. She had said she didn't know who sent them... '_No_,' his mind corrected him. '_She said no such thing. She said there was no **card**.._.' Merlin the girl was tricky. She obviously was keeping this fellow a secret, but why? Perhaps James could somehow get Ferris to tell.

"He is special to me..."

"Just don't let him hurt you."

"He won't."

"I don't have so much faith in him. I know, he's charming and handsome and everything else a witch could want but..."

"Rupert." She interrupted.

"Yes?"

"Don't worry about it. I'm not in a position to get hurt. He's just a... friend... of sorts."

"Pretty strange friendship..."

"Most of mine are..." she said fairly. Rupert chuckled.

"I suppose so. A unicorn, a half giant, a professor, shady pub owner, WWN personality, and a slimy potion crazed death eater..."

"He's no longer my friend." Lily said quickly, coldly, sadly. "I can't be a friend to a Death Eater who..." she stopped, catching herself, then went on in a lighter tone. "Still, without him I wouldn't know half the things I do about potions. I wouldn't be the great brewer that I am today. But you are right, I do have some strange friends, including you."

"Including me..." Rupert said with a smile.

At that moment, a large barn owl hopped through her window she had left open for Ebony.

"Who could this be?" she asked to herself more than anyone else. She took the letter from it and it left, clearly not really expecting a reply. Rupert looked at her curiously. She shrugged, and turned to face him, her back facing the wall so she could read it without Rupert looking over her shoulder... except she didn't have only Rupert to think about...

She felt James next to her, waiting for her to open it. She hesitated, unsure whether or not she wanted him to see... She didn't know herself who it was from. At least she knew it wasn't from Sirius. They had already settled their business.

Her fingers lingered over the wax seal...

...Now his warmth was behind her...

"Are you going to open it or not?" Roo asked.

"I... don't know," she replied.

...He came even closer, so that his front was barely pressing into her back, his hands resting on her shoulders. She could feel the heat of his body and the cool of the fabric.

He breathed warmly into her ear, twice, before he whispered ever so slightly "_Do it..._"

With the way he had asked, she would have done anything he wanted her to. Luckily (or unluckily) for her she only had to open the letter. Her hands were still trembling slightly, but not from hesitation this time...

Hands draped in invisible silk found their way on top of hers, seeming to open the letter for her.

"I can do it," she whispered.

"I know you can..." Rupert said confusedly. Lily ignored him. She unfolded the letter and began to read, James's hands returned to her shoulder, and by the feel of the weight, he had rested his head on her right one. She lifted the parchment slightly, so it would be at an easier angle for him to see.

She looked immediately to the bottom of the letter first to see who had signed it. Once she learned it was from Tom, manager of the Leaky Cauldron, she started from the top.

_Dear Lily, _

_How are you keeping? It's good to hear from you. To answer your question, yes, I would most certainly appreciate your help during the holiday season. Any weekend you can spare from now until you are out for Christmas you'd be welcome to work in the bar. During the actual holidays I'd be glad to have you full time for the inn. Can't give you your usual room though. The big ones'll be for guests, but I'll still have a place for you. Glad you wrote to me, I was thinking about asking you anyway. Don't know if you've heard but Rosy's in the family way and is expecting in January, so can't ask her to work the bar anymore... _

_Several guests have asked about you, wondering when you will be back. _

_Fred and Cyrus send their love and Basil sends you nothing because he's bitter you haven't written. Everyone will be pleased to see you. (Even Basil, though he'll deny it.) _

_G'luck. _

_Tom _

"Well?" Rupert asked... The weight of James's head left her, but he began rubbing her shoulders. It felt _wonderful_.

"Good news, I can work at the Leaky Cauldron over the holidays."

"Aww, I was going to invite you over to mine..."

"No, I want to do this. It will be nice to make a bit of gold."

"Are you working on Christmas day?"

"Not sure yet..."

"If not will you come?"

"I don't know, Roo... There is a tradition to be observed after all..."

"Ah yes... you and your traditions..."

"I like traditions. It makes things more special."

"Wow... aren't you popular..." Roo said unexpectedly.

"What?" she asked, confused.

"You've got another owl," he said, pointing. Lily turned around. Sure enough, a great eagle owl perched on the sill. James's intoxicatingly tender shoulder massage regrettably stopped.

Lily once again went to the bird and removed the letter. She was surprised to see that it _wasn't_ addressed to her. The name _James Potter_ was scribbled messily on the front in red ink. Lily put it face down on a small table next to the wall and walked towards the portrait hole.

"Aren't you going to read it?"

"I'm going to see Dumbledore first, to ask him for permission to work on weekends."

"Alright. See you at dinner then?"

"And submit myself to indignitiy of being pestered by all those gossip mongers in the Great Hall? No thank you. I'll just wake up early tomorrow and have a big breakfast."

"You sure? I could bring you back something..."

"Don't bother... I have no appetite anyway..."

They parted ways in front of the portrait hole, him going down to the great hall, and her up to Dumbledore's office. As she ascended staircase after staircase she did her best to order her thoughts. None of which (to her dismay) had anything to do with order work or something equally important. No, the subject of her frenzied wonderings was of course James 'the wanker' Potter, his stupid invisibility cloak, and the actions they concealed.

'Why did he do that? Why?!' She was enraged with him and with herself. He was confusing her. What did he mean by that? Did he know how it affected her? Why was he always bolder when under the cloak? First with the bra strap, then he put his arm around her, then the hand holding and now this appalling (delectable) massage...

She couldn't take it anymore. She was a human, not a gargoyle. She could go mad from pent up frustration just like anyone else... She made a mental note that she would hide that blasted cloak. Then, remembering how often she failed to remember her mental notes, made another mental note not to forget. Curse him, and curse that cloak.

Back in the Head Girls room James thought it was true, he felt more powerful under the cloak. Untouchable... invincible, even. Under the cloak he felt like he could do things he wouldn't normally do. Being invisible made him feel... almost like a ghost, unreachable, and his actions somehow weren't real... as long as he was under the cloak it didn't count... because he wasn't really there...

Except he _was_ really there and Lily _knew_ he was there. From now on, he told himself, he wouldn't do anything under the cloak that he wouldn't do if he weren't wearing it.

Now did that mean he would put a stop to those encounters or simply continue without the cloak?...

James removed said cloak and opened the letter. It was from Moody, but not an official ministry missive. James scanned the letter through before placing it in his pocket. He glanced at his watch. He would have to tell Evans after the dusk feeding because it didn't look like he would have time to do it before.

x

"You are very nearly late," James pretended to admonish when Lily walked back in her own common room after talking to Dumbledore. The conversation had lasted longer than she had expected...

"Nearly. Let's go then," she said, extending her hands, waiting for him to hand her the cloak. Having donned the infamous cloak of evil (she remembered she was not best pleased with the thing and had made a mental note to hide it from James) they left for Hagrid's.

As Lily and James had both suspected, Hagrid had heard about the events of the afternoon and wasn't pleased. Luckily, Hagrid started yelling right away. It was lucky because Lily hadn't had the chance to sit down and start feeding Mercury before the giant's bellows scared him and he trod on Lily again in a hasty retreat.

"James Potter, if yeh knew she were with Death Eaters ye should've told'er! Instead of usin 'er like that! She's not a pawn in a chess game, she's your student! You are supposed to _protect_ her, and all you seem to do is get her into trouble!" Hagrid roared.

"Hagrid, I _knew_ that they were Death Eaters. Potter _did_ tell me." Lily defended James. Hagrid turned to Lily and yelled some more.

"Yeh _knew_! Yeh _knew_ and yeh didn't tell me!"

"She didn't want you to worry, Hagrid..." said James, causing the giant to then turn back to James.

"Yeh should have done something to stop her! If ye both knew they were Death Eaters

To the utter astonishment of both the Head Girl and the half giant, James began to laugh.

"You think I had any say in the matter?!" he said once he had calmed down. "I've learned the hard way it's hard to convince Evans of anything once she's already got it into her head to do something else... She keeps beating me over the head with sound reasoning until I'm too punch-drunk to accept any idea other than hers... She isn't a child I can tell what to do and what not to do, Hagrid." James chuckled slightly. "Sorry to say it but your ickle Evakins is all growed up."

"Oh James, now look what you've done," Lily said withdrawing a handkerchief from her robes and enlarging it five times it's normal size. She handed it to the half giant.

"He's right..." Hagrid sniffed. Lily patted his back comfortingly as she pondered Potter's statement. Her immediate reaction was to be pleased, but the more she thought about it, the more confused she became.

Seeing that there would probably be no more yelling, Lily went back to Mercury to feed him, humming and stroking him as she did. "You are getting big, cariad. Soon you won't need me anymore..."

Mercury was too busy eating to properly respond, so he simply made a sort of loving gurgling sound. Lily chuckled and continued lullaby-ing. He finished his meal long before James hoisted her up, saying they needed to get back to the castle. Lily didn't exactly see why, but she agreed and went along anyway.

"Want to stop by the kitchens?"

"Not particularly. Not very hungry."

"Two weeks ago you were ravenous all the time and now... well you haven't eaten anything all day and you haven't made a single complaint. That can't be healthy."

Lily thought about this and decided it was a fair deduction, so she went with him to the kitchens.

"Look, Evans, I had a reason for taking you away from Hagrid. There is something I needed to discuss with you. I got a letter from Moody."

"Not here, James."

"Why not?"

"_The house elves..._" she whispered in his ear.

"So?"

"_Poppy answers to you, yes?"_ she said, keeping her voice down so that none could hear her.

"Well, she is a Hogwarts house elf, but she does answer to me, yes," James replied, also having brought his down to a grumbling whisper.

"And how many other house elves might serve more than just Hogwarts?" she asked pointedly. James cleared his throat.

"Yes, alright, we'll save this conversation for later..."

Two bowls of soup, three dinner rolls and nearly an entire chicken later, Lily and James left the kitchens to continue their discussion in the privacy of her common room.

"Moody wants a private meeting," James explained, handing her the letter. They had seated themselves on Lily's couch and James had renewed the intensity of the fire in the hearth. She skimmed the letter as James continued. "I think he suspects you had a little more to do with it than you are letting on..."

"Which is entirely true."

"No need to hold back form Moody, Evans. It's best if he knows the truth. He's not exactly a legilimens, but he can tell when he's being lied to. We can just tell Moody everything and leave it to him to edit it however he wants to put down for the 'official' record."

"You say official record like it's a joke."

"It is in some ways... See the thing is, we don't know who in the ministry is on the Dark Lord's side. We don't think Crouch, Moody's boss, the head of Magical law enforcement, is a dark wizard, but what ever goes on the record can be read my most ministry officials, see?"

"Is it really that bad?"

"Worse. We've estimate that as much as 15 percent of ministry officials are under you know who's control. Not necessarily Death Eaters... but either coerced, or imperioused to do the dark lord's bidding."

"That's a rather frightening statistic."

"Prophet too... It's only a matter of time before it completely turns into the Death Eater Times..."

"Well I might have guessed that..." Lily said, reclining on to her couch and closing her eyes. "So you think it is going to get worse before it gets better?"

"Honestly? I do. From what I've heard, he who must not be named is expanding his influence all the time. Even in foreign countries, foreign beasts and wizards are being recruited. We've had records of giant attacks. Giants, who don't even live in Britain."

"I know," she said sleepily.

"And there are more and more attacks. More and more people are taking their children out of Hogwarts. After this you can be sure there will be more withdrawals. St. Mungo's healers are overworked with the frightening increase in patients... Yes, I think it will most certainly get worse before it gets better... Evans?

She had pretended to fall asleep and James obviously thought she had.

"Merlin, not exactly the best bed time story..." he mumbled to himself. "That's bound to give _anyone_ nightmares..." He gave her head a stroke before saying, "Night, Evans. You were brilliant," and left.

Lily had purposefully had pretended to fall asleep _on_ the cloak, forcing James to leave without it. This was not only to deprive him of the cloak so that he wouldn't do anything so infuriating (and wonderful) like an invisible massage, but also so that she would have a way of sneaking up to the astronomy tower unseen.

Yes, she was Head Girl and she didn't have the curfew the rest of the student's did, but she'd rather not be seen all the same. She wasn't in the mood for answering any questions. She just wanted to talk to Sirius Black, this phantom of a man who had somehow played a hand in her life without actually making an appearance.

When he had left she thought she was in very real danger of _actually _falling asleep. She couldn't keep her eyes open. She didn't dare cancel on Sirius, so at 20 to midnight she took three swallows of her latest creation. She'd be wide awake the whole night.

'Good,' she thought as she strode towards the castle doors. 'Because there is much I wish to discuss with Mr. Black...'

x

James popped in to make sure she wouldn't sleep through the midnight feeding, but she was already gone to Hagrid's. He decided he wouldn't wait for her. She needed sleep. So did _he_ as a matter of fact. With that noble thought in mind, he went back to his room and went to bed. He fell asleep easily, knowing that all of Lily's immediate threats were taken care of...

x

At 12:45 Lily crept up to the astronomy tower. She heaved the large wooden door opened and then shoved it closed behind her.

"Lily..."

Lily gasped and turned around, completely startled. She knew it would be Sirius Black before she even saw him, but knowing that fact still didn't prepare her for the sight that met her eyes when she did.

She had been a mere girl of 12 when she had properly seen him last. Her older and more _mature_ eyes could now appreciate his stunning form. She had seen him in the mirror twice, but that only captured part of his face, and didn't allow credit where credit was due. His hair, his physique, his bearing, his everything... It was almost overwhelming. Lily's breath had caught in her chest and she could barely breathe at the sight of him, his radiance too disarming...

"Sirius Black..." she finally whispered, regaining her breath.

"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you..." he said stepping towards her concernedly, taking her gasp and look of shock to be that of alarm instead of awed fascination.

"No, it's alright..." She said, calming down. "I just wasn't expecting you 'til 1..."

"I've been here since midnight..."

"Sorry I had to feed..."

"Mercury, I know. I just thought that it would be pleasanter to wait here than... well, anywhere else I suppose. I could see you from here. If you stand by the edge you can see all the way down to Hagrid's... just barely."

"I know..."she said. Lily was surprised. She had been expecting cheap wit and perhaps an insincere but creative pick up line or two. Instead he was tranquil, as if her arrival had interrupted some deep meditation he hadn't quite yet left.

There was a moment of silence, both of them not exactly sure of what to say, but perfectly content not to speak until they did.

"James told me about this afternoon..." he began finally.

"And?"

"And that's what happens when you date a Slytherin instead of me..." he said with a wiggle of his eyebrows, playing into her previous expectations.

"Sirius..."

"No I'm joking. It was a very valiant thing you did today. I'm sure the ministry is very grateful."

"They aren't..."

"What?"

"I couldn't tell them I was aware of the plot without exposing James. I'm not supposed to know he's an auror, you see. So I played stupid, saying 'Professor Potter happened to be at the right place at the right time, thank Merlin... blah blah blah.'"

"Well, it was brave nonetheless. At least Prongsie and I know it..."

"That's enough for me..."

"I _alone_ am generally enough for most women."

"Well I'm not most women."

"I'm becoming more and more aware of that the more I know of you."

"I'd say that I'm a bit _too_ much for most men."

"I'd believe that too... the number of times you seem to be put in life and death situations would put grey hairs on any man."

"And we wouldn't want our most promising Witch Weekly model with grey hairs now would we?"

"I don't know, I think a nice streak of grey would suit me, make me look... mature and sophisticated..."

"Indubitably. So why modelling? I mean, of course you are handsome and you just scream sex appeal but somehow you strike me as a man who would rather be doing something worthwhile." Sirius grinned madly at this blasé mix of praise and criticism.

"Making witches across the land cream themselves isn't worthwhile?"

"A noble goal, to be sure, but I was thinking of a _different_ kind of worthwhile..."

Sirius gave a hollow sort of chuckle. "You know James and I, along with Remus were at the top of our year. All three of us were going to be aurors... that was our dream. Our goal. Of course Moony always said they'd never take a werewolf, and he was right. The ministry is so prejudiced about these things, and people fail to realise that werewolves are only dangerous one night a month, but still, Moony was rejected. Then me... not a werewolf, but still unsuitable. I'm a Black you see."

"Ok, so the Ancient and Noble house of Black are purebloods, but pureblood doesn't equal dark wizard..."

"No. The Ministry hires lots of purebloods, loves pure bloods... in every other section but for dark wizard catchers..."

"But James is..."

"Oh yes, but ol' Prongs doesn't have a Death Eater for a brother..."

"What?!"

"Well, _had_. Dead now, Regulus."

"Sirius I'm so sorry."

"We were never very close..."

"No, I mean I'm sorry that you were discriminated against because of your family... That's very unfair."

"Prongs was the only one to be accepted in the end. He tried to get them to take me but still no luck. By then I'd already landed a few gigs... not that I actually need them. My uncle left me his place. Nice place. Enough gold to live on."

"But to be forced into inaction! Surely there must be something you can do."

"Being an auror is all I've ever wanted to do. What's left for me?" Lily thought about it. She couldn't talk to Sirius directly about the order, but she _could_ ask Dumbledore to let him join. And Remus. Both were very clever and capable wizards, the order might find some use for them.

"I'll think of something, Sirius. I promise. I'll get you your opportunity to fight dark wizards..."

"I suppose all I'd have to do is follow you around for a few days. You seem to attract them."

"I'm sad to say that you aren't the first person with that logic. Except you're the only one fool enough to want to stick around. Everyone else seems to want to keep their distance..."

"Sorry Lils..."

"Not your fault I'm a Death magnet."

"Don't call yourself that."

"It's true though. You know... James said that that necklace might have made me a bit morbid, well, maybe so, and maybe this is the curse talking, but somehow, I feel like my purpose in life is to die..."


	29. In Which the Meeting Continues

**Chapter 29**

Sirius saw the girl's eyes in the moonlight. They were not filled with tears or even fears. It was a look of deep reflection, as if that realisation didn't scare or upset her. Just puzzled acceptance. Somehow that was even worse. He couldn't comfort a girl who didn't need to be comforted, there was apparently no problem he could fix, because she didn't see it as a problem. Still, he wanted this conversation to end, stop those gruesome thoughts.

Normally, whenever he wanted to distract a woman from talking or thinking about something he would kiss them (which is what they really wanted anyway). He couldn't do that with Lily, not just because she was Prongs's but also because she deserved more than that. It wouldn't work on her anyway. She'd just push him away politely and say thanks but no thanks. She'd see right through it...

"Not yet..." He said wrapping his arms around her, hugging her from behind. She leaned her head back against him, closing her eyes, just appreciating the feel of being held. Yes, this was her first actual meeting with Sirius Black, but it hardly seemed that way. It felt as if she had known him for years. There was just a natural sort of intimacy between them. They stood there in silence for a few minutes, both his and Lily's hair blowing into each others' faces. They didn't try to remove it though, they just let it be.

"What will come will come, and we'll meet it when it does," he said quietly, neither agreeing or disagreeing with what she had said before. In truth, he didn't know what to say. HIM. **_The_** Sirius Black... had no idea what to do...

Sometime within the next hour they grew tired of standing, but since neither felt inclined to leave they sat down, Sirius's back to the wall, Lily leaning against his chest.

It was nice, he thought. _Not_ shagging someone for once. Although his natural impulse would be to kiss that bit of exposed skin on her neck, it was nice just to be there, and hold her. He wouldn't want to make a habit of it, but for this one night it would do. He felt generous and charitable, as if he had done his good turn for the week. Yes, it was supposed to be a good turn daily, but days came around far too frequently. How can one do something nice for someone else that often?

They must have sat in that comfortable silence for an hour until the sound of the heaving wooden door startled them, pulling them back from wherever their minds had wandered...

Ferris, Rupert Ferris of all people appeared. Sirius grinned wickedly. 'Yes...Brilliant, absolutely brilliant. Lady Luck loves me, and the gods of perfect timing are on my side,' Sirius thought. He didn't know why he enjoyed torturing the poor boy, he just did. It gave him an odd sort of pleasure, perhaps it was because he knew that the kid must still love Lily, and Sirius relished in the thought that he had taken her away from him. Something he longed to do with Prongs, but didn't dare. He loved Prongs, he did not love Ferris, Rupert Ferris.

"Roo! What are you doing here?" she asked, the tenseness in her body leaving again as she leaned back into Sirius.

"I was going to meet Emma here... but I see a couple has already beaten us to it."

"This isn't what it looks like..." she said hastily.

"Sure it's not..." he said sarcastically.

"At least it was you and not someone else..."

"Yes, you never saw this, right Ferris?" said Sirius with a wink.

"Right..." he said slowly, thinking that he 'wasn't seeing' a lot of things lately...

"Rooey!" They heard a female voice call. Rupert turned around quickly, holding his arms to barricade the entrance, stopping her from coming up.

"Sorry, it's occupied..." he said. "Let's go some where else, eh?"

"Oooh.. who?" she asked as he began descending the steps.

"Just some 5th year Hufflepuffs," he said as the door banged shut.

Sirius had to give the boy credit. Although Ferris clearly detested him, he was still loyal to Lily, protecting her from his own girlfriend even. Sirius admired that kind of loyalty. He felt slightly less triumphant as he thought of the boy walking down with his girlfriend to find another place... _Only slightly_. It was still a delicious victory.

Lily had relaxed back into Sirius again, and began absent-mindedly playing with the Dragon's Eye, holding it up to let the moonlight bounce off the stones.

"So that's the necklace, eh?" said Sirius, with a touch of reverence in his voice. Lily turned around half way so she could face him, giving him a better view.

"Lovely, isn't it?"

"Stunning, like its owner."

"You know John was supposed to use this at first..." she said leaning her head against his chest. Sirius put his arms around her and rested his head on top of hers.

"Go on."

"He wrote a letter, actually, warning me not to come to Hogsmeade, telling me what he and the others were doing. Confessed everything, even that he was sent this necklace to use on me. He couldn't do it so he threw it in the lake, thinking that it was safe from people there... But of course, unlucky Lily Evans found a way..." she said, continuing to stroke the smooth sapphire. "But looking back I suppose that if I hadn't found it then I wouldn't have noticed John recognize it, which triggered my suspicions and made me go to the Slytherin's dormitory where I found out about the Hogsmeade plan... So if I didn't find the necklace then I wouldn't have been prepared in Hogsmeade and all three of us would have died..." Getting that whole thought out in one breath had been difficult.

"So, rather _lucky_ after all..." Sirius said. "Without the nearly dying you wouldn't be here now..."

"But is that really lucky? I mean, think about all the students below who neither die nor nearly die. If I'm lucky for nearly dying, what are they?"

"Boring." he replied simply, as if the answer were obvious. "Does Prongs know about the letter?"

"No. Don't tell him. John isn't safe, even in Azkaban. If people find out he betrayed Voldemort..."

"If that letter is used in anyway to try to clear him, that either damns him to his old master or to his fellow inmates, yes I see the problem."

"I've promised to write..."

"Good of you..." Sirius said, then after a moment's silence asked, "Did you really care for him?"

"Not really. Couldn't trust him, for obvious reasons, but even so I'll admit it was nice to hold hands like that, to be kissed like that...even if it was a sham. Like my memory for the patronus. Makes you feel warm even though you know it's spurious. It was like, for the first time since... well... for a long time, people could see that I was lovable. It didn't work for long though. I remember yesterday the exact moment I couldn't keep pretending. He was kissing me and I was thinking, 'here are two players. I'm feigning ignorance and he's feigning innocence.' I confess now, only to you that it made me sick. Literally sick. I had to push him away and vomit, that's how much it bothered me."

Sirius could feel her shaking. He began to rub her arms, but knew that her shivers weren't from the cold. Still it was all he could seem to do. He was rather new at this whole 'being there _emotionally_' for a woman. In fact, he might have just stayed stupidly silent if Ferris, Rupert Ferris hadn't come along. Sirius was mortified by his own shortcomings, and grateful that no one would ever know them.

"If you had known then that he cared for, what would you have done?"

"He didn't care for me."

"He must have cared for you though... risking all that. When he wrote that letter he didn't know that you wouldn't turn all of them in right there, and he'd be killed for treason for certain. He gave up everything to save you."

"Fond of me, perhaps...We had only been dating a week. I think it could have been anybody. When it came down to it, he just couldn't kill someone in cold blood. He's not a Death Eater at heart but neither is he a good person; he only went along because his parents told him to. And at that time he didn't have the strength of character to say no..."

"But you gave him that strength."

"No. I think it was coming face to face with the reality of actually having to kill people. "

"Doubt it. If I recall correctly it was only _your_ life he asked to spare. He didn't ask not to kill the other two..."

"Which proves that he wasn't _that_ great of a person. He knew he should go to Azkaban because he knows that caring for Lily Evans isn't enough to redeem you from your sins."

"If it were only that easy..." he said glibly. Compliments always slipped off Sirius's tongue when he was talking to women, but he realised it was much more satisfying to say them when you actually felt them.

"James must have told you about the memory then... if you knew that he only asked to spare me." Funny, she hadn't caught that before. She only realised it when Sirius had pointed it out. Perhaps Dumbledore had noticed it too...

"He did. Mirrored me first thing when he got back from Hogsmeade."

"He really does tell you everything, doesn't he?"

"Not everything... he doesn't tell me things he doesn't believe to be important, or things he doesn't want to give importance to."

"How do you mean?"

"Say... someone offends him, or blanks him, and it really bothers him. He wouldn't tell anyone about it because then he's admitting that it got to him. Talking about it, in his opinion, would be giving importance to something he wished had none." 'Also known as denial...' Sirius thought.

"That makes sense. Lots of people do that..."

"True..."

"And what about you?"

"Me?"

"Yes, _you_, Sirius Black. When you are suffering what do you do?"

"Talk to James or Remus, usually." The way he pronounced 'usually' made her curious.

"Unless..."

"Unless... it's something I couldn't trouble them with..."

"For example...?"

"Well... don't tell Prongs I'm telling you this, but... _you_."

"I'm sorry," she said automatically. She didn't even know what she had done to him.

"No no, it's not your fault. But last full moon Prongs came to us that morning and said no more, and later explained when we were alone it was because you had been attacked."

"I took away your tradition..." she said sadly.

"That's not it. You see, he failed to mention that you were an animagus, and that you would be alright. So for the next few days I was wracked with guilt, couldn't tell Moony about it, couldn't talk to Prongs about it either. So I was having a rather wretched time all by my wretched self..."

"He didn't tell you?"

"He did eventually, obviously. Not until he was explaining to me about your patronus."

"Bad form Potter..."

"No... I don't blame him, he had a lot on his mind."

"And what about you? In your last letter you said there was something you needed to talk about..."

"Oh that... no need mentioning it now. Not after all this..."

"Well, if anything else ever comes up... or if there is anything on your mind the owls know where to find me..."

"James says unless it's work related, you only rarely speak what's on _your_ mind," he said deflecting it back to her.

"I'm doing him a favour. No one wants to hear someone else's complaints or... fears and doubts and all that other unpleasant stuff. And it's like you said, if I say it aloud it makes it more... real. Sometimes it's just easier to keep it to myself. Not something I'd want to trouble other people with."

"Well feel free to complain to me whenever you like. You have my assurances _I_ won't be troubled by it, because I couldn't give a shit about you and your trivial problems. I probably won't even actually listen..."

"_Why do you think I asked to meet you here_?" she said with a touch of laughter in her voice. "But thank you all the same, and I extend you the same discourtesy."

Sirius put his hand out and she shook it.

"It's a deal then."

"We are bitch buddies," she said cheerfully.

"Um... no."

"How about complaining companions?"

"Negative."

"Moaning mates?"

"Wonderfully suggestive, but no."

"Grumble groupies?"

"Denied."

"Fretting fellows?"

"Rejected."

"Carping cohorts?" she suggested again. Sirius couldn't take anymore and laughed.

"What is with you and this ridiculous obsession with alliteration?"

"Just having fun. Can't have you associate me only with grievance... have to make you laugh too..."

"What, so we can be chuckling chums as well, eh?" He said sarcastically, but still chuckling himself.

"Now you're getting it!"

"Laughing lovers."

"Stretching it a bit..."

"We must make sacrifices for the sake of alliteration, my dear."

"Of _course_."

"But still... that doesn't sound half bad, does it... Not with you, I mean, well... you must know how repulsive you are. A laughing lover, though... Sounds like the most perfect thing a woman could be..."

"It does... because those are the two aspects of a relationship (and life) you like most, right? Sex and mirth? You only want the good things and not have to stick through the bad..."

"Ouch. That seems like a rather harsh appraisal."

"Care to deny it?"

"Can't."

"As much as it pains me to tell you, I doubt you will be able to find a woman with whom you will be laughing or shagging all the time..."

"I know, that's why I have to change so often."

"Sounds like a good plan, I suppose. Except you lack real intimacy."

"Who needs intimacy? I have excellent friends I'm close to. Women are just for amusement."

"Are we now..." said Lily, feebly attempting to scoot out of his arms. It was really only a gesture to show her displeasure.

"Well... mostly," he said with a shrug, but pulled her back into him anyway. "Then there's you, and you have your uses... I can torture you, complain to you, use you to make Prongs feel uncomfortable, which I assure you is _very_ amusing... for _me_ anyway..."

"How do you use me to make him uncomfortable?"

"All I have to do is mention shagging you and his eye starts twitching."

"He must think it weird for anyone to think of me in a sexual way..."

"Naw... he acknowledged you to be the beauty of Gryffindor, didn't he?"

"Yes, well, if I had a baby sister I could admit she is beautiful, but it might bother me to hear some bloke going on about wanting to get his end in ..."

"It would be impossible to mistake you for a child..." said Sirius sardonically. Lily remembered what James had said that evening at Hagrid's. _She isn't a child I can tell what to do and what not to do... ickle Evakins is all growed up... _

"That's not the point. The point is that he's my teacher and doesn't think like that."

"Listen Evans, professors aren't made out of stone, they are people like you and I. You can bet that if I were a professor I would have shagged half of my students by now."

"Sirius Black, have you _no_ decency?"

"Hey, I had enough decency not to become a teacher, right?"

"That's true, I suppose. Not that anyone would hire you if you tried. Perhaps they hire academics for their lack of... erm... drive."

"If that were the case than we'd have a great uneducated mass on our hands. I guarantee you even Minerva McGonagall has an impious thought every now and again..."

"Ew..."

"It's not 'ew'; it's human nature," he said reprovingly. "Sex _is_ the most natural thing in the world. It's what every creature does. It's how we all survive. There is no life without sex."

"Right..." Lily said. She _highly_ doubted that Sirius's 'activities' had anything to do with the high minded aspiration of continuing the species...

"Would you be uncomfortable if one of your friends started talking to you about shagging your favourite teacher?"

"Yes... considering all my friends are male..." she said. Sirius chuckled.

"Ok, well, imagine a female classmate then."

"They do all the time..." she said exasperatedly.

"And that doesn't make you slightly uncomfortable?"

"Not really..."

"Because you sympathise, eh?" said Sirius suggestively. Lily couldn't see, but she knew that if she were looking at him in the face his eyebrows would be wriggling irritatingly.

"No," she said flatly.

"So what you are saying is that it's disgusting for teachers to think about students that way but students are allowed to think about their teachers that way? Hardly seems fair..."

"I refuse to believe that teachers are real people... for my own sanity's sake."

"What?"

"There is no way someone like... like Dumbledore would..."  
"Woah... Dumbledore doesn't count. He's past his prime, and has therefore transcended that particular desire... but you can bet your broomstick ol' Sluggy's not immune to your charms..."

"Slughorn teaches potions..."

"Not the charms I meant, and you know it... your _observable attractions_...the ones that aren't hidden up here," he said tapping her head with his forefinger. Lily shuddered.

"Blegh..." The thought of an aroused Slughorn was vomit inducing.

"What? It's a natural thing Evans, I don't see why you seem so repulsed by it. Just because they are professors doesn't make them asexual."

"It's... just... ick. No... no, no, no."

"You didn't seem to think it was 'ick, no, no, no,' when you were duelling Prongs two weeks ago..."

"That... was completely different," she said, getting more and more embarrassed by the second.

"Different, how?" he said conversationally.

"Well, for one thing it wasn't... that is to say it was forced. An unnatural occurrence. If I hadn't done the spell it wouldn't have happened."

"Well, not _during_ class, no. But believe me, a man of our age doesn't need a spell to get it up..."

"Stop it."

"What?"

"Stop talking about it..."

"I was just making a point."

"It's not the concept that bothers me; it's the ease with which you seem to be able to talk about it... Even when you talk about "natural things" it makes people with even the slightest shred of decency uncomfortable."

"Hmm..." said Sirius, pretending to considering this. "Maybe that's Prong's problem too... Perhaps it's not the _thought_ of having sex with you that makes him uncomfortable but the fact that I keep trying to talk to him about it."

"What?" Lily needed clarification desperately. The thought of _who_ having sex with her? And what did Sirius try to get him to say? Part of her was afraid to know...

"Have I said too much?" he said trying to sound innocent (and failing miserably).

"Too much or too little, I don't know which..."

"Ah well, best leave it there for now, cariad."

"Cariad?" The word seemed to almost startle her. Completely distracted from the previous conversation she added, more easily, "you don't sound like Welshman..."

"I'm not, true enough. But I like the sound of it all the same. I like to change up my endearments. You don't mind, do you?"

"No. No I don't..." she whispered. She had heard that endearment countless times. Sirius Black seemed to have the uncanny ability to find soft spots, and stroke them. She imagined he was equally gifted in pushing buttons when he wanted to annoy people or finding weaknesses to exploit them. He was just one of those men who could size up another human being in a glance. And he was going to prove his powers again.

"Who was he?" he asked.

"Who?"

"The Welshman..."

"How do you know there was one?" she asked, not defiantly, but curiously.

"The way you pronounced it. You said it more easily than I did. You must have been accustomed to hearing it," he explained. It was logical, but most men wouldn't pick up on a small detail like that, or make the connection so shrewdly.

"My father," she replied, her voice sounding barely her own. Sirius began fiddling with a lock of her hair.

"Go on," he said encouragingly.

"I don't know what else to say."

"Say anything so long as you just keep talking, you have a lovely voice," he coaxed.

"My father had a great voice too; loved to tell stories. He was born in Llandudno, my grandmother's hometown. Grandfather, before he married my grandmother and had dad worked on the ferries from Holyhead to Dublin. Every few summers he would take father out sailing for a week or two at a time. He used to tell me stories. Starting at Llandudno, up and around to Holyhead, through the Irish Sea, down through Cardigan Bay to stop at Aberystwyth. Then St. David's, then on to Porthcawl, then finally stopping at Cardiff before they had to make their way back again. The sea was my grandfather's passion. Father loved it too but when he was 18 he moved inland for a job in Birmingham where he met mum. They moved to London then had Petunia and me." Sirius waited for a minute before realising she was finished.

"You ended your story where it should have begun, Cariad."

"I... can't," she said haltingly.

"You can..."

"Tell me some of _your_ childhood memories then." Lily felt Sirius stiffen slightly beneath her. James had told her that Sirius didn't get on with his parents and that he had moved in with him while he was still in school. Lily didn't know any of the details, but she could guess the nature of them.

"Alright, I see that's one area of conversation we shall have to avoid."

"I'm sorry..."

"Whatever for?"

"For calling you up here like this. I'm not even entirely sure why I did. I think I just wanted to see someone that wasn't James, Hagrid, or Rupert. All three are wonderful in their way but there are things I am keeping from all of them. I just needed... a break. Sorry..."

"What are carping cohorts for, eh?" he said lightly. "Merlin Evans, you're shivering like mad. You should probably move indoors. Wouldn't want you to catch cold."

"Pity's sake, don't wear that thing," said Sirius eyeing the cloak. "Imagine how odd it would look for me to be strolling down the castle corridors at 4 in the morning. If I'm with you I at least have some excuse." Lily didn't particularly like the idea of being seen strolling along the castle corridors at night with Sirius Black...

"You wear it then." She said, handing him the cloak. He took it but didn't put it on. Instead he linked her arm with his and set off towards her room.

"This is a bad idea..." she said.

"Come now I think it's an excellent idea."

"And supposing we meet someone?"

"Now who in there right mind would be out wandering the corridors at this time?"

"True, no sane person would, but this castle is full of nutters..."

_"It's Lily and Blackie! They're being so naughty! _

_I'll go and tell the Potter wee Potty!" _

"Evening, Peeves," said Sirius casually to the poltergeist.

"Evanses shouldn't be out of bed! _Bad Black_!"

"I'm taking her there now, never you worry."

"Takin'er to bed!? **_Baaaaad Black_**!"

Sirius chuckled. "Rather I'm escorting her home..."

Peeves zoomed away, apparently not having listened to Sirius's last statement. Or perhaps he had, but discarded the information for not being scandalous enough.

"_The Black's in the castle, and he's up to no good! _

_But Peeves doesn't blame him, he would if he could!" _

"Don't worry about Peeves, he'll be bored of that song before anyone is awake to hear it."

"He won't really go tell James, would he?"

"I highly doubt it. Why? Are you worried?"

"No." Was she, though?

"Good, there's no need for you to be," said Sirius. Though he couldn't likewise say that for himself. He knew he had to get those two together before James ever found out they had been in contact... otherwise James might never forgive him. Sirius was in fact, _afraid_. He'd gone this far, if he failed now, it would simply appear to James that he was moving in on Lily, which he wasn't. The only way James would overlook this and future encounters would be if he were already with her. Sirius had to work covertly and quickly.

"So, we speak of this to no one. I don't know about you but I am thoroughly ashamed of myself."

"We didn't even _do_ anything," she said confusedly.

"I know. That's what's so shameful. If word gets out I spent an entire night stewing in slushy sentimentality I'll lose all credibility."

"Credibility? As what?"

"As Sirius Black: Philanderer Extraordinaire."

"Oh of _course_, I forgot..."

"Believe me, if we had spent the evening _my_ way you certainly wouldn't have."

"Come off it you loved stewing in slushiness and you know it... You would never admit to it though, so I won't ask you to."

"No comment," Sirius replied evasively. Lily chuckled.

"Well, if you ever feel like _not_ having sex, feel free to stop by."

"Hmm... Prongs keeps telling me to get an innocent hobby, perhaps not sleeping with you could be one of them. I don't think James could disapprove of _that_..." He had said it sarcastically but Lily understood the comment for what it really was. A hobby where you spend time with someone and not sleep with them is what most everyone calls _a friendship_. She didn't say this aloud of course, because it would only ruin it and make Sirius uncomfortable. He wasn't the sort to be _friends_ with a woman... and this might take a bit of training but Lily was up for the challenge.

"Vigilance," she said once they reached her rooms.

"Nos da, cariad," he said handing her back the cloak.

"It's almost sunrise, you should be saying, bore da."

"Sorry, my Welsh is extremely limited."

"I don't know much more myself," she admitted embarrassedly as the portrait swung forward, shedding light into the corridor.

"In that case, Bore da... cariad," he said with one side of his mouth twitching up in a smile before he turned and walked away. Lily was shocked for some reason. She had spoken to Sirius in the mirror, so she didn't know why she hadn't noticed it before. Out in the astronomy tower, it had been to dark to see, but here with the gentle firelight coming from her common room, she had seen that Sirius's eyes were a _startling_ shade of grey, not brown as she thought they had been. She didn't know how she could have made such a mistake. She had never seen such an odd shade in eyes before. She might almost describe them as silver; because they had that liquid quality silver seems to have, as if they could change when they wanted to, but never would...


	30. Peeves and Paperwork

**Chapter 30: Peeves and Paperwork**

The first thing she noticed when she walked in was that a fire was still burning. It certainly wasn't she who had lit it, and she knew someone must have... She also knew the only possible person who could (or would) was James Potter. Her blood froze in her veins, but when she realised it would be _impossible_ for him to be there (seeing as she had the invisibility cloak) she relaxed slightly. She crept into her room, half expecting him to be sitting on her bed with a huge frown on his face and saying 'just where do you think you've been, young lady. Do you know what time it is?' Or something worse.

He wasn't there, the only sign that he had been was that fire, nearly dying now... Why had he come and when? She began biting her nails before remembering that it was a nasty habit and she stopped. Trying to find something for her jittery hands to do she pulled out her wand and began twirling it in her fingers. After she dropped it for a fourth time she picked it back up and put it back in her pocket.

'Curse you, Potter, I had a very relaxing evening and you somehow ruined it without even being there.'

That potion would last for hours yet, so she took a book of the shelf and was sitting down on the couch to read with the parchment caught her eye... It had been left in the same place that Alice Longbottom's had been. Hanging off on side of the chessboard, the castle acting as a paperweight.

_Dear flobberworms for brains, _

_You must still be at Hagrid's, but I'm not waiting up for you to get back, because who knows when that will be. You probably have a lot of explaining to do... I don't envy you that. Still I came round to let you know that Moody's sent another owl. He'll want your memories so please have them ready before we go. Once you've done that please go to sleep, no one can function properly on the amount you get. _

There was no signature, only a post script.

_P.S. Those weren't orders, merely polite suggestions. You'll note that I said 'please'. That's **the** magic word, yes? _

"Awww..." she said to Ebony who hooted back in reply. She was no longer nervous but her hands (as well as her heart for some strange reason) were still a bit jittery. He had called her flobberworms for brains, hadn't waited for her to return, and had practically said that she was dysfunctional... and yet she couldn't help but smile.

She took the letter and folded it carefully. Back in her room she opened the drawer of her bedside table and removed the piece of parchment that she kept there.

_I won't be able to come back before dawn. Don't even THINK about going down to Hagrid's by yourself. You and Mercury stay right where you are; just summon the formula from your room. I'll be back as soon as I can. _

_James Potter _

She bit her lip as she reread the note, trying her best not to smile...

x

Of course Lily was still awake when Potter came strolling in her common room half an hour later. Lily was sitting placidly on her couch, reading.

"Bit early, isn't it?" she asked.

"It's always bloody early this time of the morning..." James said yawning sleepily.

"No, I meant you arrived a bit earlier than you usually do."

"Did I?" he said, blearily rubbing his eyes as he looked at his grandfather's watch. "Bloody poltergeist... what did he mean, _three_..." he mumbled.

"What? Peeves?! What did he say?!" she asked sounding alarmed.

"Erm... nothing," James replied a little too quickly, then added,"He was just screeching in my ear to call attention to the literary piece he began on my blackboard. His own _colourful_ retelling of the seduction of Morgana's mother."

x

The whole blackboard story was true, but explaining what Peeve's had actually _said_ would mean that he would have to admit several things that he would rather not.

James had been sound asleep in his own room when Peeves came zooming in, making a loud enough racket that not even James could sleep through it. But because of the poltergeist's arrival James became aware of Moody's owl. That was all fine.

Then came the embarrassing part... For some unknown reason, James thought he would go to Lily's common room. Perhaps he wanted to warm himself by the fire... he didn't really know. It was well past 1 in the morning and Lily hadn't been in her common room so he assumed she must be in bed in the ajoining chamber. Again, for reasons unknown he somehow managed to then fall asleep on her couch.

It was three in the morning when the poltergeist had come in and started making loud (and very lewd) remarks not only as to why James was there, but to point out that Lily was not, in fact, in her room as James had previously thought. Thoroughly embarrassed he wrote the note and intended to leave secretly, but couldn't find his damned cloak anywhere. So he was forced to leave her room completely visible, with Peeves shouting things at him the entire way back to his office. Once exhausted by this pursuit, the poltergeist went on to bigger and wickeder things while James went to bed hoping that Peeves, for once in his life, wouldn't say anything else.

James had cursed Peeves, not only for making a fool out of him, but also making him wonder. Where had she been? Had she been with the man Ferris had been talking about? James believed her when she said that they weren't dating, but that didn't put James's mind at ease. Far from it. As Rupert had pointed out, Lily seemed to have a very strange collection of friends, the description of whom worried James more than a lover would.

Lily had very boldly admitted that evening that there were many things that she was keeping from him, and it wouldn't surprise him if they weren't all perfectly harmless. In fact, he would be very surprised indeed if they were. Some of the things Rupert had said aroused the direst of suspicions...

After staying up pacing for half an hour he went to bed and proceeded to stare at the bed hangings for another thrity minutes. He had fallen into an uneasy sleep for a few brief hours when Peeves burst in on him again, singing at the top of his lungs.

" _Jamsie the Potty! Get out of your bed! _

_Why not go see your favourite red head! _

_You're up to no good, and neither is she _

_Why not go join her, then that would make three!" _

'Well Peeves, you got me out of bed and for what?' James thought. He was here in Lily's common room. Just himself and Lily. That made two.

He had no idea what that last line of that ridiculous song could have meant, so James concluded Peeves had probably been simply hard pressed to finish the rhyme...

"You got my note, I take it?"

"Yes, my memories are on the table. Surely we aren't going right after the feeding... Nobody works that early, especially on a Sunday."

"Moody does, but you are right, we aren't going _directly_ after. I'm not going _anywhere_ without having breakfast first."

"I heartily agree."

Now that his mind was awake and thinking properly, he could consider things. He knew that Lily had been out _at least_ past three in the morning, and therefore would have no way of knowing what time he had been there. Knowing this, he devised a little test for her.

"I came in around a quarter to one last night, what time did you end up getting in?"

Lily had only a second to think. Any hesitation and he would immediately be suspicious. Lily, like all accomplished liars, knew that the best falsehoods are based in unassailable truths...

"Oh I didn't get in until really late. Now don't be cross with me, but I sat up late in the astronomy tower, just having a good think... I don't think I got back until half four or five..."

"The astronomy tower again?" James said, reassured. It wouldn't be the first time she simply sat up in the astronomy tower to think. He didn't blame her. After the day she had she might want some time alone up there to reflect. James sighed in relief. He had been worried for nothing... _again_.

"Yes," she said. "And I thoroughly enjoyed myself. It was _just_ what I needed."

"How did you not pass out?"

"I took a bit of that potion, you know, the one I came up with last week?"

"Don't go overboard with that. Nothing can truly replace a good night's rest."

"Yes yes alright, shall we go?..."

"When I find my cloak, I think I've left it here..."

"Oh it's a Sunday morning. No one will be up, surely we can do without it for a bit."

"We could, but I'd still like to know where it is..."

"We can look for it when we get back," she replied, hoping that by that time he would be too distracted by his stomach among other things to think about the cloak. She was still mistrustful of it. She didn't want either of them under that thing before she sorted things out in her head.

x

It was a very cold morning and James could see Lily's breath turn into fog when she exhaled. She had put a warming charm on herself before they had stepped outside, but James couldn't help but think that the frigid air might still be bad for her lungs. James had been so sidetracked by everything that he nearly forgot what had happened only last Thursday. If Madam Pomfrey had had her way, Lily would still be lying in bed in the Hospital Wing...

"Erm..." He wanted to be careful how he brought it up, he didn't want her to get angry with him. "You... alright Evans? The air isn't too cold for you?"

"Not at all, thank you _Mr. Bingly_."

James assumed she was making another muggle literary reference and went on. "The healers said that for two weeks..."

"I'm fine, James," she said slightly more snappishly. "I've sorted that all out. Even Madame Pomfrey agrees I'm well, and _have _been since..."

"Since you took that potion I fetched for you in the middle of the night," James finished, taking on a snappish tone of his own. He stood his ground, crossing his hands over his chest. Lily did the same, meeting his eyes with a dead set gaze. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly through her nose, giving the impression that a fire burned within her and the smoke was escaping through her flared nostrils like an angry dragon.

"Yes..." she hissed lowly, eyes still determined and waspish. "Just so." The way she had said it had such finality to it that James knew the conversation was over, and that she _still_ wasn't going to tell him about it.

James clenched his fists. 'Damned secrets.'

That morning's feeding was a cold one, and not because of the weather. They hadn't spoken a word to each other the entire time. The mood changed however after they re-entered the castle through the double oak doors. James was stepping forward, across the flagstone floor to the other set of open double doors that led into the Great Hall.

"No, please," she said grabbing onto the sleeve of his robes. He stopped. "I don't want to go into there yet, can't we eat in the kitchens?" James softened, as he always did when she used that gentle tone of voice. It didn't occur to James that they didn't have to stay together for breakfast, that Lily could go to the kitchens and James to the Great Hall. It didn't register that even after their little contretemps that morning Lily didn't want him to leave... which was a pity, because he surely would have enjoyed the realisation.

So instead of going into the Great Hall they took the door to the right of the main staircase and went down the stairs, hoping not to run into any Hufflepuffs on their way to breakfast.

Compared to the bitter cold outside, the kitchens were incredibly warm and cosy. Together with the aroma of delicious food wafting about the place, the Hogwarts kitchen was just about the best place in Hogwarts to chase away the dreariest of winter chills.

"Once we are finished here we'd best get your memory and go," James said as he took another bite of toast.

"It's still early."

"Moody'll be in by now. I think it's best if we go when it's least busy."

"Very well," she said, popping the last tasty morsel in her mouth. "I'm ready when you are."

x

Back in Lily's room she collected her vial of memories and a purse with both wizard and muggle money. She had an errand to run after the visit to Moody and she didn't fancy the idea of being stuck in Muggle London without muggle money. She re-entered the common room where James was waiting.

"Change," he said simply.

"Why?"

"I can't very well have you go in Hogwarts robes. They'll know immediately you are a student."

"But the only warm cloak I have is my Hogwarts cloak."

James growled at the garment before flicking his wand at the Hogwarts crest. It _almost_ ripped off cleanly, a few fibers stuck out but and there was a tiny hole, but nothing anyone would notice.

"The house elves can put it to rights later..." he said simply. They were almost out the portrait hole when James suddenly remembered. "The cloak!"

Lily sighed, he hadn't forgotten, curse him. It was ridiculous of her to think she could keep it from him indefinitely anyway. She knew that. She just didn't think she could handle any more of those 'invisible situations' just now.

"It's here," she said, pulling out from it's pitiful hiding place under the couch. "I fell asleep on in last night, sorry."

"Not a problem. Anyway, you'll need to wear that until we get into Hogsmeade."

Lily pulled the cloak on over her, glad at least to be the invisible one this time.

"Ooh, let's take a boat across!" Lily said enthusiastically. "It's so lovely. And look, it's starting to snow."

"Alright, but if the lake freezes while we are on this boat and we get stuck in the middle of the lake then I'm going to..."

"Laugh?" Lily said, finishing his statement.

"I was going to say something slightly less pleasant, but that works too," he said with a grin.

"It won't though. This loch is far too deep to freeze."

Lily sat in the boat with her back towards the castle, so she pulled the cloak off her front half, leaving it draped over her head and falling back behind her so she would be visible to James, but not to anyone who might be looking out the castle windows.

It seemed entirely quiet out there in the middle of the lake, not a soul around. The snow fell lightly, collecting on top of Lily's invisible head and shoulders.

'Curse my eyes,' Lily thought. She was being terribly inconsistent. She blamed the snow and gentle rocking of the boat. That morning she had been entirely sure that the cloak was a terrible thing, but now all she could think of was to pull it entirely over her and go settle herself at his feet, and lean against his legs... perhaps rest her head on his knee. 'But that's a stupid impulse,' she chided herself.

She was grateful when the boat arrived at the other side and they both got out. Lily repositioned the cloak around her so that she was completely invisible again.

"Have you been to the Ministry before?" Lily shook her head, then realised he couldn't see her.

"No."

"Then we'll have to do side along apparition. Hold on tight to me," he commanded, and for the first time Lily didn't question the order, but immediately (and happily) obeyed.

x

"We can't go in together, and you can't go under the cloak, the alarms will go off like mad. A security scare is the last thing we need. Everyone is a bit on edge nowadays," he said.

They were standing in front of the visitor's entrance, that is to say, they were standing in front of what looked like an ordinary muggle telephone booth. "It's simple," James said. "Once you are inside, simply press 62442, state your name and that you have an appointment with Alastor Moody of the Aurors Office. The lift will take you down to the 8th floor. Take the main lifts back up to the second floor, that's The Department for Magical Law Enforcement. Auror headquarters is right in front of you once you are off the lift. You can't miss Moody's office. It's the only one with the door."

"Right."

"Did you get all that? Should I say it again? Or perhaps I should have someone pick you up in the atrium..."

"No I have it. What was the number I press again?"

"62442"

"Right. I'll see you there."

She gave James a nod and enclosed herself in the phone booth. He stood there, watching her, making sure she got everything right. Once she pinned the badge saying 'Lily Evans, Appointment with Auror Head' she turned back to James and watched him get higher and higher, as she sank into the ground...

Lily wasn't at all prepared to see the beautifully highly polished wooden floor or the high blue and gold ceiling of the Atrium. She had thought that sinking so deep into the earth it would be dark, cramped and uncomfortable but she had been completely wrong. It was stunning in it's own way. But that wasn't all, a fountain stood in the hall, jets of water spewing out the tips of... what was it? Lily went around to face the fountain so she could properly see it. Lily's face fell as she got a better look. Not only was it sickly sweet, but it was entirely inaccurate.

She shook her head, she didn't have time to dwell on the delusional inaccuracies of fountain sculptors or perhaps the Ministry itself. She had to meet James and Moody. Spotting the slightly dodgy looking lifts, she crossed the nearly empty hall to them.

A man suddenly whooshed out of a fireplace on Lily's left and in his haste to get to a lift barrelled right into her. The impact jolted both of them, making the man drop his things and leaving Lily sprawled ignominiously across the wooden floor. With as much dignity she could muster in such a moment, she stood and brushed herself off, wondering how on earth the only two people in the entire Atrium managed to collide with each other.

The man had greasy hair and a pockmarked face that bore an expression of contempt and exasperation. He gathered up his things and went to the lift as did Lily. He stared at her chest and Lily feltvery uncomfortable until she realised he was only trying to read her visitors badge. She turned away from him so he couldn't see.

She didn't want to share a lift with this man, and was trying to think of an excuse to take a different one (there were about twenty) when she saw he meant to go down, that meant the 9th floor. That was good, seeing as Lily was going up to the second.

At every floor the lift stopped and a female voice announced the different departments, even though she was the only one in it. Level 7, Department of Magical Games and Sports; Level 6, Department of Magical Transportation; Level 5, Department of International Magical Cooperation; Level 4, Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures; Level 3, Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophies; and then finally Level 2, Department of Magical Law enforcement.

She imagined it would be a lighter place like the Atrium but it was not. 'Dark' didn't only describe the lighting situation but the entire atmosphere. There were more people on this floor than there had been anywhere else, and everyone seemed so hard, serious, stern. Lily supposed that's what it should be like. These men (and women) devoted their lives to dark matters after all...

There was James, who seemed to have changed before her eyes. He was no longer her laughing professor, but another man with furrowed brows, and set jaw, a grim look moulding his features. He was speaking with other people with equally bleak expressions... Lily recognised Frank Longbottom, Dearborn, Fenwick, and a certain Agatha Argyle as well.

James noticed Lily there, and caught her eye for the briefest of moments, then darted his glance towards the door on her left before returning to his conversation. Apparently she was to go in first.

She knocked lightly on Moody's door. She knew it was his not only because, as James had said it was _the only_ door, but also because his name was engraved on the small lopsided golden platelet.

"Come in," came his rough voice through the door. She hesitantly turned the knob and pushed it open. The moment she stepped foot into his office, Moody was on her, wand pointing menacingly at her chest.

"What is Chevalier's nick name for you?" he demanded.

"His little fleur-de-lis..." she replied quickly, taken aback.

"Just a security precaution."

"Understandable..." she said, relaxing only when he lowered his wand.

"Sit down Evans, sit down. Don't mind the dark detectors, they always do that," he said waving an indiscriminate hand to the collection of whizzing, whirring, and humming objects scattered about the room.

She took her seat and Moody sat back down at his desk and perused a document attached to the clipboard he was holding.

"Well, I'm sorry to have brought you all the way out here. I'm afraid it was for nothing."

"Nothing, sir?"

"How much can you remember of yesterday's events?"

"Well sir, I can remember them _as if they were yesterday_..." she said, unable to control the cheeky remark. She slapped herself mentally and then added, "That is, I remember it all very well. I've brought you my memory of it, and another one as well that might interest you."

"No good, Evans. I'm sorry to have to tell you but just before you arrived one of my aurors came in and confessed that they tampered with your memory without clearance. So what you think you remember isn't actually true. Said auror is now on probation and..."

"She didn't," Lily interrupted. "I saw what Miss Arglye was doing and deflected it. I only acted obliviated to keep her from trying to do it again. Potter was there, he saw the whole thing."

Moody's eyebrows went up, not entirely in surprise. Lily suspected that 50 percent of it was scepticism. He rose and hobbled to the door. He didn't call for Potter, but he must have summoned him somehow, for her appeared a moment later. Moody reclaimed his seat and James stood stalwartly behind Lily's chair.

"Argyle says she obliviated Evans..." Moody began.

"Tried to, more like," James replied with a proud smirk as a man knocked on the door and entered.

"Moody, what about the Benton case?"

"You'll have to take it to Peregrine, Level 5."

"What's on Level 5?" Lily asked in a whisper as the other two men continued their conversation. She couldn't remember it from her brief ride in the lift.

"International Magical Office of Law," he whispered back. "We've been consulting them more and more what with the arrival of dark wizards and creatures from overseas..."

Moody and the man carried on for a minute longer before he turned back to the pair.

"So she _didn't_...?" Moody asked, picking up exactly where he left off, as if there had been no interruption at all.

"No. Evans blocked it silently and wandlessly. Argyle had no idea it _hadn't_ hit her, so Lily played along."

"How do you know she was 'playing along' instead of actually being obliterated?"

"She made faces while Argyle's back was turned," James said shrugging. "You could compare the two memories, I assure you they'd be quite the same."

"I'll do that," he said, bringing his own stone basin onto his desk. It wasn't nearly as lovely as Dumbledore's pensieve, but then again, this was Alastor Moody, practicality was the main thing.

Lily took out her vial of memory and gave it to James, who already had his out and ready. Potter handed both to Moody, who poured out Lily's first, then James's. He poked at it with his wand for a moment before diving in. If Moody planned on viewing all three memories it could take hours, she thought. Lily's memory of yesterday started with the moment she met Gasche and ended when she arrived back in her common room. There would be plenty of time for conversation.

"James, what's on the ninth floor?" she asked.

"Department of Mysteries, why?"

"Oh, nothing. Someone ran into me and he was going to the ninth floor, and I was just curious as to what he might have been."

"Ah," he said taking a step towards the door. "Well Evans, there is a huge pile a parchment work sitting on my desk. I might as well start on it while we wait."

Lily stood up as well and followed him out. The auror section was just a large group of cubicles, nothing distinguishing one from the next save whatever personal items that had been placed on the desk or the walls... photographs of family members, or the wanted posters of various dark wizards. Lily scanned all the posters as they walked by, but didn't see _him_. She reminded herself she didn't care anyway.

"Your cubicle here is even worse than your office in the castle," she remarked. How could a man who was so full of life have a work area so completely lifeless? James had no pictures or posters adorning the walls of his cubicle. It was rigorously organised and seemed harsh with efficiency. She then remembered that he did a great portion of this work chaotically outside of the office, and understood the need of order.

James shrugged, grabbed what he needed and went back to Moody's office and of course Lily followed. Even though it was dark circumstances, she couldn't help but feel slightly giddy at the thought that in two years, she might be working here too.

Moody was not surprisingly still in the pensieve when they returned to his office.

"I'm afraid there will be no way around it. I really wish you could be spared..." James said randomly.

"How do you mean?"

"You'll have to bear witness at the boys' trials. We don't know who out of the Wizengamot is friend or for anymore... Giving evidence against a Death Eater might as well be equivalent to having a huge target sign on your back. I'd really rather not put your through that."

"They already know who I am and they already tried to kill me. Appearing in court won't change much, would it?"

"I wouldn't be so sure..." He returned to his paperwork and didn't say anything else for the rest of the time.

When Moody _finally_ resurfaced he eyed Lily and James speculatively. Moody was an acute observer, as most men in his profession are, and although it wasn't related to his case or Death Eaters, he found certain romantic details amusing nonetheless. He'd have to ask Dumbledore what he thought of it...

"Done, and done well. Don't see why you didn't tell me about it before. All the same it will get trickier here on in. The boys' parents. I have a dossier on every one of them, who knows how they will respond. They might be dark wizards, but I've noticed that even dark wizards get uppity about their children. Still, trial should be next month... I'll try and get a clean a report as I can. Evans I'll need you to sign this," he said, handing the clipboard to James who in turn handed it to Lily.

"But, it's blank..."

"Of course, I'll fill it in myself and send you a copy to read and study before the trial comes."

"Isn't that a bit... corupt?"

"The whole bloody place is corrupt, so why not us as well? We don't want to be passing information to anyone who doesn't deserve it, you understand? I'm just trying to make this as painless as possible for you"

"Thank you."

"Just another question. Do you still have the letter?"

"Letter?" James asked, confused.

"Not with me, but you heard what he said..."

"I did but I'd still like to read it in case of any clues or details he might have mentioned that you could have overlooked."

"I will send it to you as soon as I can," she said reluctantly. Lily hadn't meant for James to find out about that letter, and John himself didn't want her to tell. She needed to talk to him before next month's trial...

x

"What letter?" James asked again as they walked back through the atrium.

"John wrote a letter, warning me to stay out of Hogsmeade, confessing to the plan..." she said quietly. Lily had never seem James so livid. In fact, if he weren't in a public place Lily was sure he would have shouted at her. His neck and ears were reddening, visibly trying to keep his breath at a regular pace.

"He made a written confession, and you didn't tell me?" he asked through his teeth. His hands were twitching, making fists and then letting go, making fists and letting go. Lily could only assume he was trying his best not to throttle her then and there.

"I didn't get the letter until after it had all happened. It's not as if I was hiding that from you so I could secretly go into Hogsmeade and get killed anyway."

"I wouldn't put it past you..." he growled.

"I didn't! I swear on Merlin's grave, James. You have to believe me. I didn't know there even _was_ a letter until he told me about it just before you took him away. After you left I summoned it from the castle and read it for the first time in the forest. I didn't know what to do with it or to whom I should show it so I kept it to myself."

Lily noted, to her extreme annoyance, that her chin was quivering and her eyes were stinging. 'I'll be damned if I cry because James is angry with me. He's been angry with me before and he will no doubt be angry with me again in the future.'

Perhaps she was upset because she really _did _feel guilty about it. She should have showed it to him but she didn't. She felt guilty because she felt like in some way she had betrayed James to spare John.

"Give me your vial," she said evenly. "And I'll give you the memory. You can see for yourself what happened."

James stared at her for a moment before reaching into his pocket. Lily drew the memory from her mind and placed it inside before putting the vial back into James's hand, closing her own fingers over his so that the memory was now being held by them both. She implored him with her eyes not to be angry anymore, to believe her. She saw the angry colour recede and the anger melt out of his eyes. They stood like that for a moment, staring at each other, the vial enclosed by James's hand which was enclosed by both of Lily's, until the sharp call of a man brought them back to the 8th floor of The Ministry of Magic.

"Potter!" Lily let go of James and turned to see the unprepossessing man that had knocked her down that morning.

"Rookwood," James acknowledged him with a nod.

"So what have your been working on these days?"

"Classified. _You_ of all people can understand that," he replied coldly.

"Just being polite," he said. His gaze turned to Lily. "Ah yes, we ran into each other this morning, didn't we..." he peered at her badge again, "Miss Evans?" He shook Lily's hand and turned back to James. "Is this your uh...?"

"Yeah," James replied firmly taking Lily's hand. "She is. We were just going out for lunch now so if you'll excuse us," he said curtly.

James had already started dragging Lily away when she said "It was nice meeting you, Mr. Rookwood..." and once they were out of earshot added "and by 'nice' I mean 'by far the worst part of my day'..."

x

Once outside, back in muggle London, James paced the grey pavements.

"Something wrong?"

"You met Rookwood this morning?" he asked immediately.

"I wouldn't say met. He careened into me, knocking me flat to the ground. Didn't apologise, didn't help me up or anything. Very rude..."

"Humph."

"Why? Did he do something to you?"

"No, not really..." he said with a sigh. "To tell you the truth I simply don't like him. He's always trying to be friendly and get me to talk about what I'm working on, when he knows bloody well I..." James growled unable to complete the thought. "Rookwood and my father worked together as Unspeakables... and I can't stop thinking... It just infuriates me to know that _he_ knows how my father died and I don't." Lily didn't know what to say to him, so she simply linked her arm through his and kept walking, giving his arm a reassuring squeeze. She knew their long black cloaks were attracting a few curious stares, but James didn't notice, and she didn't care. "I don't trust the lot of them... the Unspeakables. No telling what they get up to..."

Although talking of Augustus Rookwood repulsed him, walking with Lily like that down the street seemed to calm him. He was grateful for that.

"Are you hungry?" she asked a bit later after he had finished his pacing.

"A bit."

"Let's stop in somewhere and have a bite, hmm?"

"I haven't any muggle..."

"I have," she said indicating her purse. "It's on me."

"So what are we having?" James asked eagerly. The mention of food seemed to have awakened his appetite.

"The most stereotypical of all muggle food."

Lily ordered and they sat down at their small table. The inside of the building was poorly lit and the aroma of grease veritably saturated the walls and wafted out the door. An old newspaper lay on the seat beside her and she picked it up and began reading. It was a week old, but it was still all new to her.

"I knew muggle pictures didn't move, but I didn't expect it to be COMPLETELY still..." Potter said, staring at the Times.

"Quiet James, you're embarrassing yourself." That and she couldn't read with him making a fuss, prodding the pages trying to trick the pictures into moving. Lily put the paper down when the food came out, positively dripping, the paper it was on completely soaked in grease.

Lily loved it.

"By the way," she said as she was paying. "I'm going to St. Mungo's now. So you can go back to the castle ahead of me."

"Are you alright?" he asked sounding concerned.

"I'm fine."

"Then why are you going? Or are you just saying you are going to St. Mungo's when you are actually going somewhere else?"

"I really am going to St. Mungo's, thank you. And I am going to _visit_ someone. _No_, you may not come, _no_, you don't know who they are, and _no_, I'm not going to tell you."

"I can't let you stay out in town all by yourself. It's a dangerous city even if you don't have to worry about Death Eaters attacking you... which you do."

"It's only St. Mungo's. I can apparate directly from there to Hogmeade and I'll be back before dusk."

"No, I forbid it," he said firmly. Sometimes he really did sound like her father. Lily sighed in exasperation.

"Very well, you can wait in the lobby until I'm done... How far is it from here on foot?"

"About four miles, I should think."

"Then I'll walk."

"Why walk through a whole bunch of muggles when you can simply apparate directly there?"

"Because, James. It's my heritage. I don't often get the opportunity to immerse myself in my culture. It's nice, to walk about in muggle streets, doing muggle things. It's nice to forget magic and dark wizards and murders even if it is just for one hour."

James cleared his throat in response. She noticed he always did that when he was unsure of what to say.

"So are you going to walk with me, or force me to do side along apparition?"

"A walk sounds lovely," he said holding out his arm. She smiled and took it.

They chatted away casually after that. To any outside observer it would appear as if they were just another couple strolling along arm in arm. For the first time in his life, James wondered what it would be like to live a muggle life. He couldn't even fathom a life without magic, but there were thousands of people all around him who seemed to be carrying on quite easily without it. Here they all were, none of them worried about Lord Voldemort, completely oblivious to his existence even though the man wanted to extinguish every last one of them. And there was James, protecting a whole bunch of people he neither knew nor understood. He could only imagine what it must be like for Lily. In both worlds, denied the bliss of ignorance. How she must hate the dark lord... even more than he did.

x

James paced in front of the dirty red brick of Purge & Dowse Ltd as Lily 'visisted'. He decided _not_ to wait in the lobby. He had done far too much of that lately and he didn't want to spend any more time in Hospital's than was absolutely necessary.

When Lily came out about an hour later she asked. "Can I have my vial please? You had them both when we left Moody's office..."

Slightly curious he produced the empty vial as she put the tip of her wand to her temple and drew out a silvery memory. She placed it in the glass tube and placed it, not in her pocket as James had expected, but down her shirt, in between... well... safely tucked away.

James didn't even bother asking questions. He knew she wouldn't answer them. He still couldn't help but think that it must be a mighty important memory to be so safely stored away... He could imagine no nicer place to seek shelter... in the bosom of...

"Shall we go?" she asked, interrupting a particularly entrancing thought. James didn't reply in words, nor did he ask her if she wanted to apparate on her own. If he had asked then she would have had the opportunity to say yes. He had learned that sometimes it was best not to leave any options.

He pulled the girl in tightly, staying there for a moment to enjoy the pleasant sensations before he had to endure the unpleasant ones of apparating.

Lily was forced under the cloak again as the walked back to the castle. The cloak was a reminder... as if it said 'that's right, you have to hide. You can't go walking about arm in arm as you did in Muggle London. You are back in the real world now, and there are rules and codes of conduct that you are thwarting using me... Know this and feel the shame.'

Lily certainly _did_ feel the shame...

Once inside the castle and she was certain no one was looking she removed the cloak and returned it reluctantly to its owner. "I need to talk Dumbledore I'll see you later."

"What do you have to talk to him about?"

"James, I'm still Head Girl and have lots of mundane duties as well. Not everything I do is related to the goings on of dark wizards..."

"Fair enough..."

Actually, Lily was going to suggest inducting Sirius into the order, but James needn't know that.

Lily's interview with the Headmaster started very awkwardly. It was Lily's own fault though. Once she finally got out her request Dumbledore didn't think it strange in the slightest. He didn't even enquire why or how she came to have this idea. He was Dumbledore after all, perhaps he already knew. He simply said that it was an excellent idea.

"What exactly does it take for someone to be chosen for the order?" she asked curiously. She had been wondering that ever since she had joined.

"The recommendation of a current order member is enough to warrant consideration."

"Oh... And er... Who was I recommended by?" she asked embarrassedly.

"By me," Dumbledore replied with a smile, not at all abashed.

A knocking came at the door and Dumbledore bade the visitor enter. James walked in, looking only mildly surprised to see Lily still there.

"Good afternoon, Professor," Dumbledore said pleasantly. "What can I do for you?"

"Actually sir, I was wondering if I might borrow your pensieve..." James said, then turned to Lily. "Not saying I didn't trust you, mind; I just want to see it for myself..."

"I'm not offended. That's why I gave it to you," she said calmly.

James looked to Dumbledore who nodded towards the shelf where the pensieve was kept. "You know where to find it."

"Thank you, Professor."

James set up the pensieve, pouring in Lily's memory. John's face floated on the surface and for a moment. James didn't want to dive in, not with that boy's face staring right at him like that.

"I'll be going then," he heard Lily say.

"No, wait for me. I've just seen Hagrid. I've swapped shifts with him this evening so he'll be taking you at midnight. We can head down there once I'm finished."

She nodded and sat back down as James turned back to the stone basin and fell into Lily's yesterday.

x

"Professor Dumbledore," Lily said when James vanished into the pensieve. "Perhaps you should see it too. I'm not sure how important it is to capturing Death Eaters, but perhaps you owe it to his justice..."

"Mr. Michaels?" he asked astutely.

"Yes, sir..." she replied.

x

James watched the short scene with an odd sort of fascination. So that's why Dumbledore didn't consider him a threat. That was why he put up no resistance whatsoever when being arrested... That was why he had made that silly attempt in the shop in Hogsmeade.

James was slightly put out. It had been so easy to hate the boy, and now he was making it difficult. It was hard to purely hate people when you can see they have a shred of humanity, even if the only decent part of him was his feelings for Evans. James couldn't judge the boy for it. That carried more weight with James than it did with most people, he was sure. He saw himself, harshly taking the boy away before he could kiss Lily goodbye. At the time James hadn't heard the John make that request, and was glad for it because he could truthfully say he didn't stop the boy out of jealousy...

x

They were walking back to the castle after just having fed Mercury when James said, "So Evans... fancy helping me with some essays?"

"You know there is nothing I enjoy more than doing your work for you..." she said sarcastically.

"Come on Evans, I want to get them finished before tonight..."

"That's right, you switched shifts so you could be free this evening... what are... never mind," she said. She didn't want to be nosy. What he did in his free time was his business.

"Since you didn't ask, Evans... I have plans to go out with Sirius in London tonight and get legless drunk."

Lily laughed at this. "Sounds like a good time."

"It always is with Sirius."

They entered his office and James plopped down in the most comfortable armchair in the corner.

"That's _my_ chair," Lily said.

"I don't see your name on it."

With a flick of her wand, needle and thread appeared and began stitching '_LILY'S CHAIR'_ on the head rest in shining gold. It went well with the scarlet colour of the cushions.

"There," Lily said once the charm was finished, which didn't take long. "Now, if you will kindly get out of my seat, I will help you grade that stack of parchment there..."

James put up his arms in defeat and rose and took his usual place behind his desk... although in his mind he hadn't lost anything. In fact, he felt rather triumphant. Those sprawling gold letters seemed to liven up his office, giving it a bit of warmth and familiarity that it had hitherto lacked. And now not only was she going to grade essays for him again, but _her name_ was on _his_ chair. It was _her place_ in his office. Proof that she _belonged_ there.


	31. In Which a Prophet is Burned

**Chapter 31: In Which A Prophet is Burned**

"Cheers mate," said Sirius holding the small glass.

"Cheers!" James replied. They chinked glasses and downed their shots of fire-whiskey. Sirius put a single imperious finger in the air and the barmaid was there in an instant, refilling the glasses. Sirius didn't even so much as glance at her, much to the witch's dismay.

"So whom or what shall we toast, Prongs?" Sirius asked.

"Your choice, I honestly couldn't care so long as the contents of this glass is down my throat in the next twenty seconds..."

"Very well, to four arrests and no deaths!"

"Hear hear!"

The two men downed their drinks again.

"If only everything were as easy to swallow..." Sirius said putting his empty glass back down.

"How do you mean?"

"Have you been reading the Daily Prophet lately?"

"Haven't been wasting my time." James said, catching the eyes of the barmaid who returned to fill their glasses. James, at least, gave her a flirtatious smile, which caused her to grin and blush.

"The things they're printing these days... Puh! The only thing you can trust to be factual is the obituaries..."

"No, no Sirius. Not tonight."

"You're right, you're right, you're absolutely right, Prongs. Tonight is a celebration!" he said, raising his glass.

"Hear hear! Wait, what are we celebrating?"

"What are we celebrating? We are celebrating the life of Lily Evans! Long live the red head!" he said, downing his third glass.

"Wait a minute. Why are we toasting to Lily?"

"What? You'd rather she died?"

"No! I'm glad she's alive..."

"Then drink, m'boy, and ask questions later."

James did as he was told and downed another...

xxx

"But she won't talk to me!" James said after his 8th shot. "She refuses to tell me anything!"

"That's probably because you go about it all the wrong way. I know you; you go about demanding answers like you are investigating a criminal. You are good with the sentimental slush, but you have to wait for her to come to _you_."

"But she won't!"

"Stop shouting, I'm right here. And how do you know she won't, eh? These things take time. She's preparing herself and wants to make sure she is good and comfortable around you and can trust you before she lets you in on these secrets. Give it time, if you try to pry them out of her it will take even longer, because every time you try she will only tighten her grip around them. But if you simply allow her to relax around you, she will loosen up and eventually they will come out."

"She _did_ put her name on my chair..." James slurred.

"Exactly," said Sirius, having no idea what that supposed to mean. "So in the meantime, get her to open up in other ways. Don't ask about what she may or may not be hiding. Ask her what her father's name was... her favourite game as a child or a cherished lullaby..."

"I know that one! _Huna blentyn yn fy mynwes... dooby dooby dooby doo!" _

"That's lovely, Prongs..."

"Isn't it? But of course she does it better."

"Of course. Prongs what is that on your face?"

"What? Where?"

"There, on your cheek."

"Oh, that. Hagrid threw me into a tree."

"He threw you into a tree?"

"Don't ask."

"I don't think I need to." He wasn't sure how it had happened, but he did know that Lily Evans was having a rather brutal effect on James and Hagrid's friendship... "What time is it?"

"James stared at his grandfather's watch for a while, waiting for the hands to stop spinning. When he realised that he was watching the second hand and not the minute hand he shook he head and refocused.

"Passed half two!"

x

It was half passed two when Lily left the castle. She didn't have James's cloak this time so she had to be extremely careful. She had taken the potion again. She didn't even know why. Lily just couldn't stand the thought of sleeping anymore.

She had finished her assignments and was too antsy to stay cooped up in her room, so she had crept silently out of the castle and out onto the grounds. In her doe form she approached Mercury's pen. He was wide awake and pawing at the ground. She nudged open the latch with her nose and led the unicorn out of its small enclosure.

In the flurry of the past few days, Lily felt like she had been neglecting Mercury, spending only the bare minimum time with him before moving on to something else. Well she was making up for that time now. They walked the path around the lake as they had done before with James, when they ran into the centaurs. Lily had _hoped_ they wouldn't have another such encounter this evening... but she wasn't that lucky. Lily never was...

When she saw Bane, she stopped, giving the centaur the right of way. She dipped her head respectfully and waited, but nothing happened. Bane didn't move, he simply continued staring at her.

Could he recognise her? Had Mercury somehow told them? Or was he just curious to see a doe and a unicorn on a late night stroll...

"Lily Evans." Lily jerked her doe head up from the bow she had been giving. He eyes were fixed on his, but she couldn't discern his intent. "Follow me."

Lily followed nervously, thinking that he probably didn't mean her any harm. Still, she was on edge as she followed him deeper and deeper into the forest, keeping Mercury close at her sides at all times.

"Do what you can for him, we do not wish to leave him here..." he said, but before she could ask any questions he was gone. It took a moment to realise what Bane had been talking about. She noticed only when Mercury pointed him out.

Hagrid lay on the ground, motionless and unconcious. Lily turned back into a human, and called out his name. She pulled out her wand and said 'enervate' but nothing happened. No matter what she tried she couldn't rouse him, nor could she tell what was wrong with him. Apart from what looked like a very nasty bite on his right hand, he looked perfectly fine. Why didn't he wake?

She tried to lift Hagrid up using _Levicorpus_ but it didn't work. His half giant blood protected him from most spells, but _levicorpus_ wasn't a harmful spell, and she couldn't think of why it wouldn't work. Then the image she had seen in the Prophet came back to her, Death Eaters, levitating Muggles into the air... _that _certainly hadn't been harmless...

In the end she conjured a sort of cage around him, and then levitated the giant sized carrier to follow her. It took rather a lot of concentration to sustain her spellwork, and she was constantly telling Mercury to stay away from it. In case her concentration should lapse and the cage fall to the ground, she didn't want Mercury underneath it.

She felt she made an infernal racket getting Hagrid out of the forest. Hagrid's giant sized cage broke off tree branches as it passed, alerting every living thing within a three mile radius of their presence. Lily didn't like it at all, with her wand being used to direct Hagrid she couldn't light her way. Her human eyes weren't nearly as keen as her doe eyes, so getting out of the forest would be a lot trickier than getting in had been. She kept tripping tree roots, and repeatedly stubbing her toes painfully on rocks she couldn't see.

She had Mercury walk in front, his shining coat was easy to follow and he had better night vision. Oh so slowly and not so quietly they made their way out of the forest.

She heaved a sigh of relief when she saw Hagrid's hut in the clearing ahead.

"Good boy," she praised him. "Thank you for leading us out safely."

Manoeuvring Hagrid's carrier into the hut was also tricky business. She had to first set down the cage, then enlarge the door and bring it through, placing it on Hagrid's bed. She then vanished the cage so that he was simply lying on his own bed, then resized the door to its former dimensions. There had to have been a better way to do that, but Lily couldn't think of anything.

The first thing she did was inspect Hagrid for any injuries. Now that she was safe from the dangers of the forest she was properly worried for Hagrid's health. Unable to find anything wrong she fixed his hand as best she could and sat down debating on whether or not to fetch Madame Pomfrey.

The main debate was simple. She could either fetch Madame Pomfrey, or she might not get Madame Pomfrey and trust in Hagrid's strength and recovery power that he has so often displayed in the past and therefore avoid all possible questions of how Lily happened upon the unconscious half giant in the deep dark depths of the _forbidden_ forest.

But his recovery wasn't a certainty, and if she were to regret something, she'd rather regret getting Madam Pomfrey than not getting her...

Lily was heading out the door when she heard Hagrid sigh and turn over in his bed.

"Hagrid!" she said, crossing the room to him. He still wasn't awake, but Lily smiled with relief. He was just sleeping now, she could wake him if she wanted.

She decided to let him sleep however, and sat at the table to finish darning Hagrid's socks, stopping only now and then to give Mercury's head a pat.

x

"Lily?" Hagrid asked as he blearily opened his eyes hours later.

"You are awake at last. Now perhaps you can tell me what happened to you."

"What... 'appened?"

"Yes. What were you doing in the forest last night and how did you get hurt?"

"I'm no' hurt."

"Your hand was a mangled bloody mess before I mended it and you were lying unconscious unable to be roused. I don't suppose you've taken to maiming yourself before you lie down for a nice peaceful nap miles into the forest?"

"Erm...no' exactly."

"That's what I thought..."

"What were **you** doin' in the forest?"

"Don't try to avoid the question by spinning it back on me. I was summoned to help you."

"By who?"

"By _whom_ and it's _your_ turn to start answering questions. Was it Fluffy?"

"No! Fluffy wouldn't hurt me..."

"Than what bit your hand?"

"Well, Fluffy but 'e was just playin! He don't know his own strength, is all."

"And how is it that you were knocked unconscious? I assume you took a blow to the head, though under all that hair I couldn't tell for certain. There is no blood, though. Does it hurt? Can you feel a lump?"

"Oh I feel it alrigh'" Hagrid patted the back of his hand gingerly. Then he stood to leave.

"Where are you going?"

"Going to find Fluffy! He must be lost, all on his own in the forest. He's only a puppy!"

"He's a puppy that weighs more than you, something few creatures can boast. He'll be fine Hagrid. He'll know how to get back home. Taking him for a little walk then, were you?"

"Yeh, playing some games... Last I remember we were playin fetch with stick..."

Lily vaguely recalled seeing this "stick" lying next to Hagrid. In fact it had been a large fallen tree branch the size of a log.

"Go on. I was waitin for Fluffy to bring it back when I heard somethin behind me, when I turned around something must have hit me from behind, because that's all I remember."

Lily reconstructed the scene in her mind. This is how she imagined the events. Hagrid threw the log and Fluffy went to chase after it. He was bringing it back proudly like all exuberant 'puppies' and when Hagrid turned around to see what had caused the noise he had heard, he got their 'fetching stick' to the back of the head.

She ran this theory by Hagrid who seemed to think it was sound. She was relieved to think that it was only a simple accident. No Death Eaters or dark arts... just Hagrid being Hagrid... Failing to convince Hagrid to stay and wait for daylight to find for the 'poor lost puppy' they set off into the forest together to search.

The forest at night was always much less frightening when Hagrid was around. Although she would have felt much more at ease if Mercury hadn't come. She was constantly worrying that something would happen to him once he left the magical protection of his pen. She could only imagine how a real parent must feel with their own child...

xxx

If Lily hadn't been so distracted by the recent memory of finding Fluffy perhaps she would have thought to go into the kitchens. Instead, she let her feet carry her as was their habit after 7 years of training, into the Great Hall.

The first thing she noticed was that Potter wasn't there. The second thing she noticed was that the Hall had grown very silent, and every single head was turned, eyes fixed on her...

The expressions on every face were mostly consistent within tables, each displaying the typical characteristics of their house. The Slytherins glared openly, the Ravenclaws eyed her speculatively, the Hufflepuffs peered shyly, and the Gryffindors smiled welcomingly.

'Good ol', Gryffindor,' she thought as she felt a hand take hers. Rupert smiled and led her past the other house tables to sit amongst their own. She was sure that everyone at the table had heard some version of what had occurred on Saturday and yet under closer inspection, the 7th years with whom she sat all seemed to be hiding something.

"What is it?" she asked. "Why is everyone looking at me like that?" The group ceased staring at Lily and turned back to their respective plates.

"It's nothing," said Rupert. "Just some tosh the Prophet turned out. Don't read it."

Lily hadn't been tempted to read it until he told her not to. Her eyes narrowed at him and she rose from her seat. She spotted a 4th year who was neglecting her newspaper in favour of a package of sweets her mother had sent.

"May I borrow this?" she asked. The girl looked at her uncertainly.

"Erm..."

"Thank you," she said taking the paper anyway. The photo of William Walsh was on the front page. It was obviously taken a few years ago, because he looked younger, fresher, more innocent. As she read the headline the bottom dropped out of her stomach.

**_Hogwarts Head Girl Killed My Son _**_by Guinevere Walsh. _

_My William, Captain of his house Quidditch team, a born leader, and light of my life has been cut down in his prime all because the word of one muggle born girl Lily Evans.._ B_ecause of one careless remark, my son was immediately carted off to Azkaban, no proof, no trial and died at the lips of a dementor, while proclaiming his innocence until the last. _

The article continued, and Lily would certainly read it, but not under the close scrutiny of a thousand people. Roo caught her wrist as she was leaving.

"Where are you going?"

"To get my books for class, I didn't bring them."

"What about breakfast?"

"I've rather lost my appetite," she said, her voice that cold slow drawl that sounded more like Miranda Gasche than Lily Evans.

The article, after the first paragraph, was really a diatribe on Magical Law Enforcement. She railed against the Aurors and law enforcement officers and the widespread use of the unforgivable curses on suspected death eaters.

_Magical Law Enforcement has become more dangerous than the wizards they pretend to fight. The recent authorisation of the Unforgivable Curses on suspected Death Eaters is appalling. I demand that all aurors have warrants for arrest before they blunder into a situation maiming and killing people indiscriminately. If the word of one girl making idle comments can send a boy to Azkaban then what's stopping your neighbour pointing his finger at you and sending you to the same fate? Who is safe from the inefficient and corrupt methods of our magical law enforcement? Without warrants or proof the justice system has no justice! Stop the most grievous miscarriage of justice the wizarding world has seen. Stop the aurors from taking irresponsible and precipitate action and start demanding warrants for arrests. Without them no one is safe. Until the Ministry enforces the use of warrants b__e careful who you accuse and remember that someone could just as easily accuse you..._

Lily was furious. Furious for the accusation against her, furious at the threatening taunt at the end, furious about the propaganda against the Magical Law Enforcement, and lastly, she was furious _with_ the Magical Law Enforcement itself. It was true, the article. Without warrants and the like, it would be easy to arrest or torture an innocent person.

"Lily! Come on, time for class!" Rupert shouted from out in the corridor. Lily took a deep breath to calm herself, put the paper into her bag and left.

"Don't worry about the Prophet, no one really reads it anyway."

"Maybe not at Hogwarts, but _outside_ the castle people most certainly do..."

She was slightly apprehensive when she stepped into the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. She had been out in the forest with Hagrid when the time for the dawn feeding came and Potter hadn't been in the Great Hall that morning so she wasn't sure how he would react to her not meeting him.

"Where is Professor Potter?" someone asked once everyone had taken their seats. Class was supposed to have begun five minutes ago...

"He didn't say class was cancelled did he?"

"No, he never cancels lessons..."

Seeing as he had gone out with Sirius the night before Lily suspected that James was probably still drunk, or at least sleeping off a hangover. And if that were the case than she needn't apologise to him for missing the dawn feeding, because _he _had too.

"I bet he's having a bit of a lie in." Lily said loudly to the class. "Someone should go in and wake him."

Victoria White looked eager to volunteer, but the Gryffindors of the class insisted that Lily do it, she being Head Girl and would be the least likely to get in trouble for it. Lily sighed, resignedly. Then a wicked smirk crossed her face that the Gryffindor Quidditch captain didn't miss.

"I'm going to." Davies said with a wide grin. Lily could tell he wanted to see what she had in store. She had a plan but she would also need a peace offering, so Lily stood by the window and summoned a hangover cure from her room.

"Me too," said Rupert, though he wasn't grinning as Davies was. In fact, his expression looked more worried than amused.

"Very well, Davies, Ferris and I will see if he is in his office. If not, then..."

"Then you teach!" one student shouted. Lily recognized him as the boy who had faked the eye injury. Lily laughed this off as she grabbed Davies's hand and led him into Potter's office, Rupert following close behind.

One glance was all it took to know he wasn't there. Davies was approaching the door to his sleeping chambers when Rupert quickly grabbed a cloak off the cloak rack and flung it over the armchair, hiding the sprawling golden letters from the eyes of the Quidditch Captain. Rupert shot an admonitory scowl towards Lily for being so careless, but her back was to him. Davies was about to knock but she stopped him.

"Close the door." She whispered to him. He nodded and went to shut the office door. While he did that she whispered something. Davies returned and she pushed the door open cautiously. Rupert remained leaning on the desk. What on earth was she thinking letting Davies come?

x

"How did you..."

"Shhh!" She hissed, putting a finger in front of her mouth. She knew it was pointless. James would sleep through anything, _especially_ if he was in the condition she expected he was in... but shushing him was the easiest way to not answer his question about how she managed to open the door.

Davies went in first tiptoeing needlessly, Lily followed. Rupert didn't bother coming in at all.

Indeed Potter was there, spread out across the entire bed, twisted in his sheets, the alarm clock lay broken on the ground... Lily took a moment to take in the scene. He was wearing the same flannel pyjamas, again with no shirt. She fixed the clock and put it back on the stand, so that she was in between his bed and the window. Davies stayed crouching in the doorframe withdrawing slightly back into the relative safety of the office.

She felt slightly guilty as she pulled out her wand. She knew he was going to hate her for this... and she said as much to Davies.

"He's going to kill me..." she whispered.

"Naw... probably just a detention," he said reassuringly. He looked to Rupert for confirmation but Roo only rolled his eyes.

"Not of word of this to anyone. Promise?"

"Right..."

"Here goes..." she said taking her place beside the bed. Davies retreated another step back into the office. "_Rictasempra!_"

James awoke howling with laughter, yet somehow looking completely miserable at the same time. She didn't have the heart to keep him suffering for long and removed the spell after 10 seconds. He didn't, as Lily expected he would, jump up and lunge for her throat. Instead he groaned in anguish.

"That's not funny, Lily," he said pitifully, not even bothering to open his eyes. His voice was hoarse. "I've got a hell born hangover here, I don't need any of your _peculiarities_ right now..." He put a hand over his head, muttering things like, "Sadists, the pair of you" and "_Damn it, Sirius..._."

"Sorry. I tried to wake you up more civilly," she lied, "but you were completely out of it."

"You could have _left_ me out of it..." He groaned. "What's the matter? Something wrong?"

"I'm fine it's just our class started 10 minutes ago and we are all in there waiting for you..."

"What?!" James said shooting up. The sudden movement seemed to jar his head painfully. "Dragon's breath what a hangover..."

"Lucky for you I brought this..." she said, holding out a vial.

"That's not..."

"It most certainly is. I told you I had a potion for everything."

"You are an angel," he said making a grab for it, but she snatched it out of his grasp.

"I thought you didn't need my _peculiarities_ right now..."

"I'm sorry. I'll never complain about your oddities or eccentricities ever again," he said. Satisfied with that, she handed the bottle to him.

"You'll feel the effects instantaneously. Drink it and get dressed. Your class awaits."

"Yes ma'am."

"And you might want to think about brushing your teeth... you reek of firewhiskey."

"No great wonder... remind me to kill Sirius when I have the time..."

"Will do," she said meeting Davies eyes, who walked out. She followed. When she closed the door behind her and they were alone in Potter's office Davies eyed her strangely.

"I don't think he saw me..." he said.

"I don't think he did either."

"Explain something to me Evans..."

"You want to know how I knew to bring a hangover cure?" she asked tentatively.

"I was wondering what that potion was... but yes, I want to know that and a few other things..."

Lily sighed... "Alright, but you have to promise not to tell anyone..."

"Alright."

"I'm seeing Potter's best friend..." she lied. It would be the easiest way to cover everything up.

"Sirius Black?"

"Yeah. He told me he and Potter would be going out last night so that's how I knew he must be in bed with a hangover..."

"You don't look surprised," Davies said to Rupert. Lily shot him a pleading look obviously wanting him to play along.

"Because I'm not," he answered laconically.

"You knew?" he said sounding surprised.

"Hard not to when the bloody git keeps reminding me," Rupert replied dryly.

"Not a word, you understand," Lily repeated to Davies.

"I understand, but... after Black substituted for us, you said that he had lied about you two, that you weren't really seeing each other."

"I said that so people would leave me alone..."

"Then what about Michaels? Weren't you seeing him?"

"Everyone thought that, but no, we weren't. I let people think that to put them off the Sirius story..."

"Ah... ok, things are becoming clear."

"But I'm not kidding Davies, do not breathe a word to anyone, alright? I couldn't deal with that stress..."

"I won't, you have my pledge as a Gryffindor."

"Thank you."

"Does anyone else know?"

"Just Rupert," she said.

"Just Rupert..." Roo repeated sounding defeated. What a bloody farce this whole thing is turning out to be.

Everyone was looking at them expectantly when they entered the classroom.

"Success! The Professor has been awakened and will arrive momentarily!" Davies announced energetically to the class.

"What was the problem?" Asked Victoria.

"The Professor will explain himself if he chooses..."

When James appeared a minute and a half later he was looking as fresh and as clean as ever Lily had seen him.

"Good morning class!"

"Good morning Professor Potter."

"Sorry for the delay. I lost track of time..."

"As one generally does when _sleeping_..." Lily said deprecatingly. The class laughed and Potter chuckled along with them.

"What did I tell you about ridiculing your superiors?"

"I didn't ridicule anyone. I stated a fact of life. If and how it pertains to you is simply coincidental."

James smiled. As Lily removed items from her bag he caught a glimpse of a face. He normally wouldn't have noticed it except that it belonged to the boy he had only arrested two days ago.

x

Lily noticed what he had been staring at, and tried to stuff it away, but Potter got to it first, swiping it clean out of her grasp. She watched him intently as he scanned the article, eyes narrowing with every sentence he read until they were completely shut and he was unable to continue. He took a deep steadying breath before walking back to the middle of the classroom and flung the paper angrily on the stone floor for the entire classroom to see what he was about to do.

He drew his wand and pointed it at the Prophet. It burst into flames, but didn't stop there. He did something else, the fire drew higher and blazed more wildly than the a single paper could fuel. His own anger fuelled the rest. The tall column extended from floor to ceiling, the heat of which could be felt throughout the room, leaving all the students wiping sweat from their brows and yanking at their collars.

Lily was the one exception, as she usual was when it came to all things Potter. Although she was the closest to the blaze she didn't react to it.

"That's enough, James..." she said. Over the roar of the flames no one but James and Rupert could have heard. Drawing her own wand she pointed it at the blazing column, forcing it to calm down... rather forcing _James_ to calm down.

She felt a release, as the force trying to keep the flames burning vanished. His temper was gone. He left the ashes there, smouldering, as a reminder to everyone.

His voice was calm when he gave his lecture, but it wasn't the one he had planned for that day's lesson...

"Today we are going to talk about what is at the heart of Defence Against the Dark Arts..." he began. "It's fear. This entire subject is based on overcoming fear."

"I thought it was about protecting yourself against the dark arts..." one student said, slightly stuttering.

"That's what the dark arts are all about." James replied. "For as long as humans have been around, they have been afraid of the dark as we have been afraid of the dark arts. We are afraid, and that fear drives us to learn how to protect ourselves against it.

"The Daily Prophet," he said, and several students looked down to the ashes on the floor "says nothing that the Dark Lord does not wish it to. _They_ control it, and the only thing that you can trust they are reporting accurately are the obituaries... They WANT to report death, pain and torture. They WANT you to be afraid, that's the Dark Lord's main weapon. Not giants, not werewolves, not even his own wand. It's your own fear. What better way to instil fear than by controlling the media? His killing and torturing people has no meaning or power unless the world knows about it... and is afraid.

"Today we will all try our hands a boggart. Now I know you did boggarts in third year, but fears change and mature just like people. A snake might have been the worst thing in the word at the age of 13, but what about now? Can you face your fears as an adult? If you can overpower your fear both mentally and tactically, then you have reached the ultimate goal in this class..."

He went to his office and came out a moment later with a chest floating behind him. He placed the chest on the desk.

"Back of the room, if you please Evans. This is the only one I have and I don't want you exterminating it," he said quietly, then added much more loudly, "Now everyone form a queue and let's see what you make of it..."

They spent the rest of the class facing their fears head on... battling over the ashes.


	32. Fear, Weakness, and Strengths

**Chapter 32: _Fear and Weakness _**_read this chapter slowly._

It was strange, watching her classmates battle the boggart. It was almost embarrassing, seeing their souls laid bare before everyone, and unnerving to hear the shrieks of terror and see so many of them burst into tears at the sight of themselves or their loved ones dead. To her utter surprise and sorrow, Rupert was one such student. From her position in the very back of the classroom where she had been told to stay, she could see Rupert's shoulder shaking violently. Instinctively she rose to go to him, to comfort him.

An arm reached out grabbing her by the waist, stopping her from reaching him.

"Let me go, Potter. Look at him! He needs me..."

"No," he grunted, trying to keep a hold on the squirming Lily. Rupert still stood there, stunned, watching as the boggart turned into his mother. "You have to let him face it."

"Let me go!" Lily said as the boggart changed again, this time into his sister.

"You can't go near it. It will detonate."

"Who cares! This has gone on long enough, let me go!" she cried. The boggart morphed into her own form, sprawled and bleeding on the floor. James's hold on her went limp and she extricated herself easily from his arms and hurried towards the front of the class. Grabbing one of her classmates at random she strode the last few steps with the girl in tow then flung the unsuspecting Hufflepuff in front of her, acting as a shield, blocking her from the boggarts attentions.

'Dead Lily' spun and swirled until she took the shape of a man who kept saying "I don't love you anymore..." to the poor gob smacked Hufflepuff Lily had so hastily snatched up.

She pulled Rupert safely to one side and sat him down on a table.

"It's alright..." Lily said soothingly, putting an arm around his still shaking shoulders. Lily glanced back to the boggart. It had taken the shape of the boy it faced, except that he was much older... decrepit and alone.

"I _knew_ it wasn't real and yet... _Merlin,_ I can't stop shaking..."

"Shh... deep breaths, Rooey. You're alright."

"That was a nasty shock. I didn't know I was that weak..."

"You aren't weak," Lily said firmly.

A piercing scream ripped through the air. Lily's first thought was that the boggart had taken the form of a banshee, but when she turned around she saw that it was worse. _Much worse_... The boggart was a hooded figure, wand pointing at the writhing, screaming girl on the floor.

"Ridiculus!" Lily shouted, not sparing even a second to pull out her wand. It had no effect whatsoever, probably because there was absolutely _nothing_ comical about the Cruciatus Curse...

Everyone in the room seemed to be in a state of shock, just a sea of frozen horrified faces. Lily and James were both on their feet, weaving through the desks, racing towards the screaming girl.

Lily got there first, placing herself between the boggart and the girl, arms spread wide.

"Here you bloody imp! You cursed fiend! See what it's like!" she shouted angrily. "Look at **_me_** and _try_ not to tremble!" she challenged. The hooded figure melted into an amorphous blob... then a moment later, exploded into nothingness, as Lily had hoped it would.

The explosion seemed to break the spell that had been keeping the room immobile. The see of horrified and shocked faces now looked sick and pale, James not excluded. It couldn't have been long at all that she had been under the curse, but with her screams so bloodcurdling, it had seemed ages, every agonising second creeping along like hours. Even now the screams seemed to still echo in the room, ringing in everyone's ears...

The girl herself continued twitching on the ground. Lily dropped to her knees and pulled her in against her chest. "Moira, Moira, can you hear me?" Lily asked. "Moira, listen to me..." she said voice calm and soothing. "Take deep breaths, in... and out... The pain isn't there anymore. You are fine now, the pain is gone..." Anne Wilkes came and crouched next to them.

"Moira? Are you alright?"

Moira nodded jerkily.

"Go on and take her, she'll be ok..." Lily said. Anne put her arms around her friend, guiding them back to her seat as Lily rose powerfully to her feet.

"Now you know what you are _really_ fighting!" she shouted at the class. "And now you also know what's worth fighting _for_! Voldemort wants to keep you docile and trembling like we are now. He wants to use our fear against us, to keep us down by threatening us with pain to ourselves or to our families and loved ones. But that's all the more reason not to give way! To keep fighting for a better world where those fears become obsolete! Use them as fuel for action! Not recourse for cowardice... We are none of us cowards, here. Every single person in this room as it in them to do some real good, and standing together we have the potential to achieve so much more..."

...She had used the Dark Lord's name without even flinching, James thought. How could she be so strong when everyone else was so undone? He felt completely inadequate, he had completely botched the lesson and probably broken the poor kids' spirits. Lily was doing her best to pick them up again but all they were all still ashen faced and forlorn, much like James felt... She didn't get it... she simply didn't understand fear.

Broken and depressed, James went to the front of the class and dismissed them all, not giving them any homework. No one spoke as they gathered their things. They wordlessly packed their unopened books back into their bags and shuffled out the door.

Lily had been putting away her things when James approached her table. He just stood there silently. Lily had no idea what he was waiting for, but she remained there patiently until he spoke. He gave Rupert a sort of man look that only men seem to be able to interpret and Roo nodded and left.

When he did speak, it was only one word. "Stay?"

"But I have class..."

"Don't go," he whispered. As a teacher he couldn't tell her to skip class, but that little voice had been the whisper of James, a friend in need, not of Professor Potter... One look into those eyes and she knew she'd stay. He was her weakness after all.

She led him into his office and sat him down in _LILY'S CHAIR_ as she perched carefully on the armrest.

"Oh that was disastrous," he said in a weak, defeated voice. He sat with his head in his hands, looking down at the floor. "I should have stopped when you told me. I let her down; I let them all down..." Lily knew that the '_her' _was Moira Jennings.

"You did not. This class isn't play time; it's Defence Against the Dark Arts... it's supposed to be dark. Your job was to show them what they were up against and what really matters. Their reactions to the lesson just proves that you've reached them. It will take a while to sink in but I'm sure that this was the best way to stiffen their resolve and strengthen their nerve. And once they've had time to digest what they've experienced they will come back more determined than ever! Like you said, Defence Against the Dark Arts isn't just memorising counter jinxes... it's about confronting the truly terrible..."

James forced out a feeble sort of half chuckle. "Of course _you'd_ say that but some people break, Lily. What was I thinking? They were only kids..."

"James, your protective instinct does you credit, but you are doing it again... Your job outside this castle might be to serve and protect, but inside these stone walls it is to educate... to open their eyes..." she said. "And I'd say that after today their eyes are open."

James ruffled his hair agitatedly. "It's not just that, it's... oh it's just everything! That damned Prophet got to me. I should have left it alone, contained my temper, and given the lecture I had planned. I wouldn't have lost my temper if I didn't feel so guilty already about it, and then 40 minutes later, as if to rub it in my face... there it was again..."

"Guilty about what? There what was again?" she asked, confused.

"The Cruciatus Curse. The Prophet was right. Aurors have been given the power to use the Unforgivables... and..." he stopped for a moment unable to continue. His head was almost in between his knees know, as if he were about to be sick. Lily put a hand on his back comfortingly.

"Go on..."

"and I'll never be able to forgive myself for using them..."

Lily froze. _James_ had used the unforgivable curses? _James_? It boggled Lily's mind and tore at her heart to imagine James torturing and killing, even if they were dark wizards...

"You are disappointed in me," he said, having felt Lily withdraw her hand. She hadn't even meant to. "Believe me, no one is more disappointed in me than myself... It hurts the soul, you know... the Cruciatus and Avada Kedavra... It takes a certain amount wounding yourself to wound someone else...of killing yourself in order to kill someone else..." He looked up at her for the first time and said, "But you have to believe me, I didn't '_blunder into a situation maiming and killing people indiscriminately.'_ I didn't!"

"I know," she said softly, putting her hand back where it had been before, rubbing in small circles.

"It's just you are so full of righteous anger... but when you see them, torturing a muggle girl, same age as Jennings is, that righteousness changes into something else... and you just want to them to suffer as much as they make others suffer. To see them be the ones squirming. For them to feel their own cruelty..."

"I know..." Lily was very certain that if she met the death eater who killed her parents she wouldn't wait for the arrest, trial, questioning, conviction then execution. She would want instant retribution. Justice wasn't an issue.

"That was only in the beginning... during my first year as an auror. It caught up with me soon though... it's bad enough dreaming about all the terrible things you've seen, but it's much worse dreaming about the terrible things you've done... I promised never to use an unforgivable again but the memories still haunt me. First that article, then Jennings..."

"She'll be alright."

"Ugh, that article... the Prophet..."

"Why don't they issue warrants before making arrests?" she asked. It had been a question she had been wanting to ask ever since she read the article, and she thought the conversation was due a slight change in topic.

"Of course they'd want us to issue warrants. That gives those death eaters working in the ministry plenty of time to warn their friends... either that or stop the warrant from ever going through... or perhaps issue warrants for their own enemies. Ugh..." he said putting standing up. He began fiddling with items on his desk as Lily slid into her chair. "Oh Lily... You have no idea who hopeless it really is.."

"I'm beginning to..."

"The only way to make sure they get taken in is this slapdash vigilantism. And I know it's not perfect but what else can we do? The Ministry is a tense place because no one trusts their co-workers and no one dares speaks about anything but the weather. I even have my doubts about some of my fellow aurors..."

"The aurors?"

"They might have been honest when they came in, but the Dark Lord can be very persuasive... even the most high minded can succumb to fear..."

"Back to fear again..." she commented. It seemed to be the theme...

"Nothing _you'd_ understand. You're fearless..." he said, not in compliment to Lily but in insult to himself. Lily shook her head.

"I'm not fearless, only hollow."

"You aren't hollow."

"I am, and in a way that's what I'm afraid of. Hollowness, emptiness... nothingness. The boggart must have simply turned into _nothingness_ that I fear..."

"That's not much to be afraid of..."

"But I'm afraid of everything. I'm afraid of being weak, afraid of failing, afraid of letting you down, afraid I'll fall into grief and not have the strength to pick myself up again. Afraid of not being good enough..." James forbore to chuckle. He knew it would be very inconsiderate of him to laugh at another person's fears, but the mere thought of Lily Evans not being good enough for anyone or anything was laughable. "I'm even afraid to go into the Great Hall..."

Her hair was down, acting as a curtain and concealing her face, but he could hear in her voice that she was ashamed.

"I think you are confusing fear with insecurity, Evans... Frog?" he asked, holding up the chocolate.

"I'll take a sugar quill if you have one..."

James groaned. "Fine, you are going to make me go and find one..." he said, going into his room. Lily followed. He opened a chest that sat next to he wardrobe and rummaged around for a while, until he found what he was looking for. "I think the ends have crumbled away a bit," he said apologetically handing it to her.

He flopped down on the bed, one arm above his head looking pensively at the bed hangings. "You know, you don't have to be perfect all the time..."

Lily stopped sucking on the quill to face him. "What?"

"No one expects you to be perfect all the time. It's alright to be weak sometimes, to fail... It's part of being human."

Lily lowered her head. She didn't really want to talk about her personal failings. "I know that I'm weak..." she began timidly. "I'm just afraid that if everyone else knows they can use that against me..."

James nodded as she sat down on the edge of the bed. "You have to be careful who you show your weaknesses to but you can't block out everyone. Forgive me for being cheesy again, but that's what friends are for."

"I forgive you."

"Good, now let's change the subject and talk about something else... _anything_ else so long as it's mundane."

Lily chuckled, "Lovely weather we are having, isn't it?"

"Not _that_ mundane. Besides, the weather is terrible."

She shrugged. "It was an attempt..."

"A _failed_ one..." he said jokingly. He remembered (vaguely, he had been rather drunk at the time) what Sirius had said the previous evening, and decided that since he already had a foot hold in the door, so to speak, he would continue the line of personal questions that didn't relate to secrets. "So where did you grow up?"

"A place called Spinner's End. A shabby and rundown neighbourhood... Not like yours."

"What do you mean?"

"You grew up wealthy and pampered. It's nothing to be ashamed of, I would have too if I had the choice..." she said with a smile. James wanted to deny it, but he couldn't. His family had been extremely wealthy, and his parents had been extremely _generous_ with him. He wouldn't say that he had been spoiled... only because he thought it would reflect poorly on his character. Deciding to abandoned that topic he changed to something else Sirius had suggested.

"So... what's your father's name?"

"William... with a G"

"What?"

"He always used to joke about that. It's spelled the Welsh way. G-W-I-L-L-YM..."

x

They stayed there, talking on his bed. They didn't go to lunch, but munched on his hoard of sweets. She didn't go to Charms either... They kept talking, not about anything important. About their wand types, and favourite tree... (which in Lily's case was the same thing... Willow, of the non Whomping variety)

When time came for him to teach the third years he was forced to get up. He had gotten quite comfortable there and wasn't keen on the idea of leaving, but he didn't have the heart to ruin two classes in the same day. Not that he felt that his seventh year lesson had been completely ruined... not anymore. He hoped Lily was right, and that they would recover... Still, now he had to focus on third years. Talking about hinkypunks would be a pleasant change from the last class...

x

Lily stayed in James's room once he left. Laying on his bed she closed her eyes and replayed the last 48 hours in her mind. It was almost too much, and yet there she was, feeling perfectly calm and at peace with the world... such a startling contrast to how she felt that morning...

She supposed James had known what he was doing when he wanted to talk about mundane things. It just like when Lily they walked about in Muggle London, just allowing themselves for an hour or two to forget the world's woe, and simply... (Lily blushed just thinking about it) enjoy each other's company.

She sighed. Through the stone walls she could just barely hear his voice giving a lecture. She couldn't catch a single word, it was just a constant low mumble. It was a comforting sound, but it would have been even nicer if it weren't so far away...

She curled onto one side, trying to get as relaxed as possible, just to rest in the peace and quiet of the surroundings. When James returned after his lecture he obviously thought she was asleep because he didn't try talk to her. She heard him groan slightly as the she felt the bed next to her sink under the weight of James's tired body.

She didn't know if he really fell asleep for those next two hours of silence. He might have been sleeping, or he might have been lying awake thinking, just as she was... She didn't open her eyes to look, she was content either way. Simply being there was enough. They had spent the morning talking together, and now would spend the afternoon being silent together...

x

"Wakey wakey, Evans..."

"I'm awake..."

"Do you want to go to dinner before Hagrid's?"

"I'd rather not..."

"Are you not hungry or are you just avoiding the Great Hall?"

Lily didn't reply.

"Well I don't care if you are hungry or not, or afraid of the Great Hall, you are having dinner and so am I. I haven't had anything real to eat since yesterday..."

"If I didn't have a choice, then why did you bother asking?"

"A polite impulse. Force of habit..."

James had had the full intention of making her go into the Great Hall for supper, but he was so distracted by the conversation that he was already devouring a chicken in the Hogwarts kitchen before he realised he had failed his mission.Seeing as it was too late to force her into the Great Hall now he finished the meal, vowing that he would make sure she breakfasted in the Great Hall the next morning...

x

The first thing James noticed when he Hagrid joined them in Hagrid's pen later that evening, was the bandages around the half giant's hands...

"What happened there?" he asked, pointing to the injured appendage.

"Oh... erm... that was... erm... an accident."

"What happened? Bit by one of your beloved 'pets' again, Hagrid?"

"Fluffy would never! He was just playin!"

"Now you've done it Hagrid..." said Lily exasperatedly.

"Done what?" the half giant asked, but the question was answered immediately as James began his interrogation, asking question after question. Hagrid became so flustered that he gave up trying to lie all together and told him the truth... which Lily was sure had been James's strategy all along.

"I don't remember after that..." Hagrid said answering James's latest question.

"What's the next thing you do remember?"

"Waking up in my bed, with Lily sitting next to me."

James's eyebrows rose and he turned slowly on Lily...

"Now.. Now James, don't be angry with me..." Lily began sounding timid. James sighed resignedly.

"I _hate_ it when conversations start this way..."

"I was erm... well it was a lovely evening, and I couldn't sleep, and Mercury was alone, so I thought I might take him for a _tiny_ tiny walk around the lake..." James closed his eyes in disbelief, as if willing the situation to be unreal. Knowing that it wasn't he tried to proceed calmly.

"You remember, Evans, what happened last time you took a stroll around the lake?"

"Yes... but this time _they_ came looking for _me_. I didn't think they'd recogn..." she stopped, not wanting to reveal to Hagrid her being an animagus. "That is, Bane came looking for me. They must have found him and came to me to help him."

"Yeh never told me tha'!" said Hagrid, sounding surprised.

"I told you I was summoned..."

"But no' by Bane!"

"What does it matter?"

"It don't," he said, rather defensively, which of course led Lily to believe the opposite.

"_Doesn't_, but yes it does."

"Does not. I'm just surprised he'd even lift a hoof to help me, at's all."

"Do you not get along?" Lily asked.

"Those questions can be asked later," James interrupted. "Why did you go off in the forest at night, alone!

"It was fine! Why do you think that the moment I'm out of your sight something bad will happen?"

"Because you're Lily Evans! Bad Luck's very own poster child!" he said angrily, rumpling up his hair in frustration. "I thought you had learned your lesson! I thought you had learned to be careful, but you go off with absolutely no regard for personal safety!"

"Where else was I supposed to go at half two in the morning? You weren't around and Hagrid wasn't home!" She said fiercely. This seemed to stun him briefly out of his temper into confusion. Had Lily thought about coming to him last night? "Forget it. You are right. It was a foolish thing to do. You were right, I was wrong, punish me anyway you please, but I'm going back to the castle now, I have work I have neglected to do..."

She rose, handing Hagrid the empty bottle and started walking away. James gawped at her for a minute before getting up himself and going after her.

"Erm, I have to go... I'll talk to you later, Hagrid."

He watched James jog after her... and shook his head with a sigh...

Lily managed to shake him off when they entered the castle. She walked right through a crowd of students and James couldn't follow her without barrelling into the lot of them, which would certainly draw attention to his pursuit. But that didn't matter, he could catch her up in her common room.

He bided his time, letting the crowd pass before darting up the staircase, arriving at the top just in time to see Rupert Ferris knocking at the portrait hole. James froze at the top of the stairs as Lily poked her head out. She smiled at the sight of him, but the smile faded when she noticed James standing there. Rupert, having noticed the change in her expression turned to see what had caused Lily's sudden loss in smile.

"I can come back later..." Rupert offered tentatively looking from Lily to their professor.

"No, you can stay, really."

"Actually, I just remembered, I forgot my History of Magic essay back in the dormitory..." he lied rather unconvincingly. "I'll be back in a bit."

He turned and gave his professor one of those 'man looks' as he headed for the staircase.

That was the second time that day that Ferris had removed himself from the scene in a very tactful and timely fashion. James decided he didn't give the boy enough credit. James remembered the boy's boggart from that morning and his stomach twisted awkwardly.

"_Did_ you come to my room last night?"

"Pity's sake, not in the hall, Potter," she complained, holding the portrait open for him. He entered the common room and lit a fire before turning back to her.

"Well?"

"No..."

"Then what was all that about at Hagrid's?"

"I didn't come by your room because I thought you would either still be out with Sirius, or in a drunken stupor. Neither of which would have been very helpful."

"Helpful?"

"It was a foolish impulse. I couldn't... well... rather didn't _want_ to sleep and was trying to think of ways of distracting myself."

"So you went gallivanting in the forest instead."

"Yes. I did."

"You could have waited for me to get back, or gone to the Astronomy tower, or... _anywhere_ but the forbidden forest. Why? That's all I want to know. I just can't make sense of it."

"Because I wanted to," she said simply. James shot her a look that indicated that her answer hadn't been satisfactory. "That's all I can say. It might not makes sense, but there it is."

"Did you not consider the danger? The fact that there is a _reason_ for the rule that states no students allowed in the Forbidden Forest?"

"You want to punish me, do it," she dared.

"Don't tempt me."

"I'm serious. If you want to reprimand me go ahead, but don't waste both of our time standing around in my common room trying to find answers that aren't there," she said, arms crossed.

"Fine. If that's how you want it then fine. Tomorrow, 10 o'clock, my office," he said, then strode out the door.

Once the portrait was safely shut again she sank onto the couch, burying her face in her hands.

The truth of the matter was simply that she was embarrassed by her confession. She had let her guard down so much... she had actually (though accidentally) admitted to having thought of going to him the night before. She had been humiliated that she had betrayed her feelings so openly, not _only_ in front of James, which was bad enough, but Hagrid too. Now they _both_ knew.

He had gotten too close for comfort and so she had pushed him away. _Too close for comfort_? It seemed almost oxymoronic, that it was his comforting presence that discomfited her so.

Grabbing a piece of blank parchment she penned a note to Sirius. She needed a bit of merriment after the emotionally draining day she had, and she thought he might be able to either cheer her up or work her out of this slump. She wrote with a frivolity she didn't feel...

_I had to divulge our secret today, dearest. I told Davies, Gryffindor Quidditch Captain, that we were seeing each other in order to explain some otherwise unexplainable circumstances... _

_L _

The response came back quickly. Could it be possible that he was in Hogsmeade again?

_How delightful... I hoped you found the time to mention the life altering, earth trembling sex? _

_SB _

Lily chuckled, she was feeling better already.

_In gross detail, my dear..._

_L_

_Excellent, excellent... By the way, I've just had a chat with Dumbledore in the Hogshead this evening. I believe I should thank you... Meet me tonight. Same time, same place..._

_SB_

Did that mean what she thought it meant? Had Dumbledore invited Sirius to join the order? She certainly hoped so. She was just thinking how happy that would make Sirius when she heard Rupert outside the portrait hole. She put the parchment face down on the table and went to let him in.

"You weren't in Transfiguration or charms... and I wrote down the assignments for you. I even took notes if you want them.."

"Thank you, Roo."

"So... how did things go with Professor Potter?" he asked tentatively. It really wasn't a subject he felt like breaching, something he didn't feel comfortable discussing, something he would normally avoid... but if Lily were upset then he would swallow is discomfort and talk about it if that's what she wanted.

"Don't worry about it. I just earned myself another detention that's all."

"That's not fair! Just because you are quarrelling doesn't mean he can give you a detention."

"No, I deserved it. I broke a rule."

"Still I'm surprised he actually punished you for it."

"I told him to."

"Why?"

"So he would just drop it, instead of dragging it out unnecessarily," she said, inspecting the notes he had handed her.

"I don't know what you might have done to deserve detention, but after what you did in class today you'd think he'd be a bit more lenient with you."

"What?"

"You were brilliant. Destroying that boggart for Moira, then that speech... We were too dumbfounded at the time, but it was all people talking about at lunch."

"I'm glad I didn't go then."

"Where were you?"

"I..." she couldn't tell even Roo that she had been lying on Potter's bed talking about nothing, and she certainly couldn't tell him that instead of going to Transfiguration she had been comforting their auror professor about his use of the unforgivables...

"That's what I thought..." he said with a knowing smile that embarrassed her to the core. She hid her blushing face by burying it in the notes.

"You got the spelling wrong on this charm... it ends in 'io' not 'ia'... and it's an R instead of an L..."

Rupert sighed. "No wonder I couldn't get it to work this evening. Can you spell it again for me?" he asked taking a quill and parchment off the table.

"R-E-F-R-A-C-I-O"

He read it over a few times before putting the parchment in his pocket.

"Refracio... refracio..." he repeated to himself.

"Right."

"So, what are you going to do?" he asked. Lily slumped slightly, she had hoped she had successfully distracted him from the topic.

"I'm going to do the detention of course... What else would I do?"

"You could... talk to him?"

"No. Talking is what got me into trouble in the first place."

"What?"

"I've talked too much today as it is. I think it would be better to just... ride it for a while."

"You want me to stay?"

"No, I'm meeting Sirius later tonight, he'll cheer me up."

"You're meeting Sirius Black?"

"Yes, but we aren't together."

"I know that." '... n_ow'_ he added in his mind. It was becoming clearer and clearer just who his best friend fancied, and he had a sneaking suspicion that Black, from whichever side, had picked up on it too...

x

"Reflacia? Refracia? Damn it, what was it again?" Rupert mumbled to himself as he was walking back to Gryffindor tower. He removed the crumpled parchment from his pocket and straightened it out. He was confused for a moment, reading something that he most certainly hadn't written...

_I had to divulge our secret today, dearest. I told Davies, Gryffindor Quidditch Captain, that we were seeing each other in order to explain some otherwise unexplainable circumstances... _

_L _

_How delightful... I hoped you found the time to mention the life altering, earth trembling sex? _

_SB _

_In gross detail, my dear..._

_L_

_Excellent, excellent... By the way, I've just had a chat with Dumbledore in the Hogshead this evening. I believe I should thank you... Meet me tonight. Same time, same place..._

_SB_

He flipped the bit of parchment over.

"Refracio, that was it," he said aloud as he read it. Apparently it wasn't a spare bit of parchment he had taken from her table. He turned it over again and reread the note.

"_Bloody farce..."_

x

She almost passed out while writing her transfiguration essay, so she took another few swallows of potion before practicing on the 'refracio' charm until it was time to meet Hagrid at the front doors.

When Lily arrived at the bottom of the stairs she was surprised to see not Hagrid, but Sirius Black waiting there.

"Sirius... what are you...?"

"Since I was in the neighbourhood I thought I'd pay Hagrid a visit... I offered to pick you up so he could continue darning his socks, so here I am... picking you up," he said, as he actually picked her up. She held on to his neck for support.

"I don't think that's exactly what Hagrid had in mind."

"Yes well..." was all he said in response. He walked out the open doors. "I don't suppose you could be so kind? My hands are tied at the moment, and unlike you, I need mine to do magic."

Lily wandlessly shut the doors behind them and they continued across the lawn towards the direction of Hagrid's cabin.

"I want to thank you, cariad. Dumbledore said it was your suggestion to let me join."

"I promised you didn't I? To give you a chance to fight dark wizards..."

"You certainly did," he said with a toothy smile, laughter etched in every line of his young beautiful face. Lily couldn't help but giggle and smile too. She was happy to have done something that made Sirius so obviously happy. His eyes were bright with delight as they looked into Lily's. He bent his head down, and for a startled moment, she thought he was going to kiss her, but he didn't. Instead he touched his nose to hers; rubbing back and forth.

Lily hadn't had an Eskimo-kiss since she was 10 years old. It was, for lack of a better word, cute for a man of Sirius's age and reputation to do something so childish and innocent. Even though it wasn't in keeping with his reputation, the gesture still suited him.

When they approached Hagrid's hut, Sirius did not, as she had expected, put her down. Despite her loud and forceful protests, he hoisted her up over one shoulder and marched on in a way that would put any self respecting Neanderthal to shame.

Hagrid was waiting out in the back when they arrived. Sirius approached greeting Hagrid cheerfully, and just as cheerfully slung Lily unceremoniously to the ground, as he would any school bag. Again, displaying his prehistoric manners with utterly unwarranted pride.

After Lily had collected herself and assumed a more dignified position, she said, "How kind of you to manhandle me so...In fact, if you ever so kind again I'll be tempted to tell everyone what a romantic you are."

"Is that a threat, cariad?"

"It's a promise..."

"Am I correct in remembering someone telling me that you don't make promises you don't intend to keep."

"Indeed, Mr. Black."

"Very well, I'll never do it again. I'll keep my hands to _my_self if you keep your calumnies to _your_self."

Actually, she thought she knew why Sirius had been so unceremonious. Sirius knew Hagrid well enough to know how protective he could be, and didn't want to give the half giant any reason to think of him as a threat. It may be fun to antagonise James, but antagonising Hagrid was not Sirius's idea of a healthy past time...

While that was reassuring in some ways there were still other issues to take into consideration. She tried to think of ways that she could Hagrid not to tell James about Sirius coming to see her without sounding guilty.

x

'It's cute the way she's worrying,' Sirius thought. He was tempted to be insulted by her lack of faith in his intelligence and abilities but he decided to be generous.

Did she honestly think he would blunder into a situation, exposing them both to Hagrid if he didn't have a plan? Actually, it hadn't taken much cunning to convince the giant. Rather the reverse. He had used blatant honesty (a tactic he generally avoided) and Hagrid seemed more than willing to keep Sirius's presence a secret for the moment. Sirius had an ally in Hagrid in his little scheme... it was a pity the two main players weren't going to be as cooperative.

As the conversation about other matters progressed, Sirius thought that his main problem for the moment was discerning the depth of Lily's affection (or denial). He knew James well, and could tell his friend was more than smitten, but _she_ on the other hand, while perfectly charming, friendly, and feisty... hadn't really shown any real sign of love. (Not that Sirius had seen, and James testimonies were consistently negative) She was attracted to James, certainly, but attraction and affection are two completely different things. Lily Evans had better sense to fall into something simply people she was attracted to a man, but Sirius didn't doubt that she would likewise stop herself from falling even if she really _did_ care, simply for the sake of propriety or some equally unimportant or foolish reason. That or she could be unaware or unwilling as of yet...

He couldn't just ask her, for she would surely lie. He would have to go about it another way...

After Hagrid had gone back inside to retire for the evening Sirius asked.

"So did he sing that lullaby to you as a child?"

"Yes, but we aren't talking about me tonight. It's your turn."

"No, no, no... I'm not _that_ easy."

"First time those words have ever been uttered by Sirius Black."

"Touché."

"I speak in earnest. I want to know about your family."

"I have no family."

"Your blood family."

"My family is the same as all the other pure blood families. It's all disgustingly incestuous... It's amazing we can still breed anymore... Their desire to stay with other pure bloods is destroying the gene pool, that's why so many of them are off there rocker. That's why I plan on coupling with good stock from the muggle born intelligentsia. I'm sure James feels the same."

"Indeed?"

"Pardon me, _attractive_ muggle born intelligentsia. Couldn't stand the shame if I had ugly children."

"Are _all_ purebloods are really related?" she asked.

"As a general rule."

"So are you and James...?"

"Oh aye. His mother's mother is my great aunt on my mother's side and my second cousin on my father's..." he said simply. Lily spent a dizzying moment trying to draw that particular family tree in her head before she gave up and simply asked.

"So... that would make you and James..."

"Brothers." His tone was so firm and steady that it filled the silence so completely, leaving absolutely no room for contestation.

There was a long moment's pause before he laughed awkwardly; a quiet, infectious sound that broke the silence between them.

"Strange, that you and James can be so close but so distantly related, where I can't even speak to my own sister..."

"Petunia?"

"How did you..."

"Ferris, Rupert Ferris."

"Oh... well, ever since Mum and Da' died, we haven't spoken, except for the arrangements of the funeral... that was the last time I saw her..."

Sirius felt uncomfortable, not because she was opening up to him (which under normal circumstances with other women _would_ discomfit him), but because James wanted her to open up to him so much, and here he was, taking that away from him...

"Erm, not that I don't want to help you... but Prongs is really better at this sort of thing than I am. I'm quite heartless you see, and he..."

"Is well in touch with his cheesy side, yes I know. But I just can't tell him some things..."

"Why? Because he's your Professor?"

"No," she replied, but then quickly changed her answer. "Yes."

"Or is it because he's part of your troubles..." he said shrewdly.

"No," she half lied. James, in and of himself wasn't a problem, _she _was, but seeing as how she couldn't get rid of herself... the only thing she _could_ do was to try to keep her distance from him.

"Then why not open up to him a little?" That was the trouble, Lily thought. She already had... "He wouldn't mind, he's good with the heart. Just like Remus, he's good dose of logic for the mind, and I... well... you know what_ I'm_ good for..."

"A laugh?" she replied.

"Only you would think to say that."

"So if James is the heart, Remus is the brain, you are the 'inappropriate for children under 16' places, then what is Peter?"

"The bowels," he replied, laughing at his own cruel joke.

"Sirius, that was a beastly thing to say about your own friend," she said, not a trace of laughter lining her lips.

"Lily, let us get one thing straight. You are a good person. You see the good in everyone, and you even see it in me, and for that I thank you but don't be blinded by it." Then he added in a growl reminiscent of the large black dog that he really was, "I am _not_ a nice man like my friends, and you are lucky I like you."

He wasn't joking. Those eerie grey eyes glinted menacingly in the moonlight. Lily was genuinely afraid for a full two seconds, but his words reassured her. She was in no danger. Lily mulled over the precious little she knew of Sirius's life. Born and raised in the cruellest of environments, although deep down he was a Gryffindor (unlike the rest of his family) he didn't come away from his childhood baggage free or without scars. There was that darkness that lingered there, that cruelty, that merciless, pitiless contempt he displayed towards people and things he disliked or didn't care for. While he didn't consider himself better for being a pure blood, he certainly felt superior to others on other standards. He looked down on people less intelligent than him (which was almost everyone) less attractive than him (which was almost everyone) less talented magically than him (which was almost everyone), as well as those who worked under him, like subordinates and servants like house elves. And of course, the biggest and most obvious group of people he disrespected... women. If his parents' teachings had actually had an effect on him, Sirius Black could have been the worst of all pure blood supremacists; his haughty and condescending air combined with his talents, intelligence and good looks would have made him a powerful player in dark circles if he put his mind to it. How his parents must have been hoping for Sirius to live up to that potential. How wretched he must have been for the first 16 years of his life when not at Hogwarts...

'Oh poor, hurt, Sirius...' Lily thought. He couldn't love anyone outside his close group of friends...

But he was right. Lily _could_ see the good in him. In fact, she saw more good there than he himself was probably willing to believe. He shut himself off, and was cold to anyone who wasn't James, Remus or Peter, to whom the kindness and unconditional love flowed freely. He was warm and loving willing to do anything to help... _them_. And now, she was among them. She felt honoured, and vowed that her new position in Sirius's life wouldn't go to waste.

"You're quiet, Cariad."

"You scared me, that's all."

"Scared you?" he said, sounding honestly shocked and remorseful.

"Only for a little. I was just thinking that you are being unfair to yourself and to your friends... You are selling yourself short. Yes, Remus may be quite logical, and Peter very... erm... regular..."

Sirius stopped her speech with a great bark of laughter.

"Lily dear, you are brilliant, but do go on..."

"And while you may be the loins, and James the heart it doesn't mean that you are without heart and James is without..." she stopped. Damn it, she knew it was already too late. Sirius wasn't going to let her out of this one. It was her own fault too, which made it all the more infuriating.

"Go on..." he said silkily. "You were saying...? James isn't without what?"

"I was _saying_ that all four of you have all four parts. You all have a heart, _even you_, a mind, reproductive organs, and bowels. And while it's always wise to '_play to your strengths_', it is unwise to let go to waste your potential in other areas of life."

"Meaning?"

"You know bloody well what it means. I'm not going to say it, because it will sound so mushy you won't take it seriously when you should."

"Fine, fine," he said shaking his head. This girl couldn't be trifled with when she really meant business. He understood how helpless she made Prongs feel every now and again. There was just no arguing your own point when she knew she was right...

He _had_ in fact been waiting for her to say something silly like "You have to practice using your heart,' or 'learn to love' or something equally as maudlin, and he been ready to make fun of her for it. Probably as a defence mechanism... laughing about something is an easy way of brushing things off when you don't want them to stick, but she had denied him that. Well played, Evans.

"Well, cariad, I think it's about time I take you home... it's nearing dawn and I have to rest... build up my strength. I plan on having a very rigorous day tomorrow."

"What's her name?"

"Which one?" he said with a wicked grin.

"How many do you plan on?"

"Well I have to make up for lost time. Between you James, then you again, it's been three nights since I've _'played to my strengths'_...


	33. In Which a Promise is Made

**Chapter 33: In Which a Promise is Made **

Lily was not the pacing type but that's what she did when she returned to her common room, wondering where she had picked up the habit.

Lily contemplated her detention throughout her day, and she was prepared to do it. She knew she had done something foolish and James had every right to be angry with her. She would just show up at 10, apologise, do the detention and get the whole thing over with.

At exactly 10 o'clock she resolutely opened the door to the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. James was half sitting, half leaning on his desk in the front of the classroom, looking as casual as can be.

"So where are we going this time?" she asked.

"We aren't going anywhere, Evans. You are serving your detention here. There's your quill and parchment."

"Lines?" she asked incredulously. "You are making me do lines?"

"Not lines, Evans. You are going to write an essay, explaining _why_ you went off into the forest alone, even though it is expressly forbidden and when Dumbledore himself had TWO people to look after you especially so you wouldn't be alone. Do you think he would have done that for no reason?"

"This is sounding like a lecture rather than an essay question..."

"Why you did it, Evans. We are going to stay here until you write it."

"What about Mercury? I have to feed him at midnight..."

"The unicorn will have to starve."

"You can't do that!"

"It's not up to me, now is it, Evans? You want your child to eat? You do your detention. It doesn't matter to me, I have all night..."

Lily was sure she had never detested Potter more. She was kicking herself now for being the one to suggest a detention. She had been expecting manual labour, something either physically or mentally trying. She had _not_ been expecting him to force her into a written confession. Not a confession of guilt, for that was easily done, but a confession of feelings which was so much worse. Although she hated to admit it, the detention was exactly what a punishment ought to be, humiliating, eye opening, and make you never want to break the rules again.

James went to the desk at the front of the classroom and sat down, pulling a stack of parchment towards him to grade. Every few seconds he would steal glances Lily's way, but she sat there, head bowed, not even having put her quill in the ink pot.

He _knew_ he was going about it all the wrong way but he couldn't stop himself. Sirius had told him not to force things out of her, because that would only cause her to pull back further. That certainly was what she was appearing to do.

He wished he could at least catch a glimpse of her face; see some indication of what she was feeling. Was she angry? Resentful? Resistant? Sad? Probably a combination of all four.

He felt bad for having brought Mercury into it. He had thought that it would have been an incentive to make her write, but apparently he had only succeeded in proving what an incompetent ass he was and made her hate him. He had said before that he didn't believe any woman could hate him, but he thought Lily Evans would be quite justified of that sentiment just now if indeed she felt it... which she probably did.

'Twenty five minutes and she hasn't even budged...' he thought. 'If she at least _starts_ it before midnight I'll let her go to Mercury... she just has to start it. A sentence... or even just a word... put the quill in the ink pot... or maybe just pick up the quill. Hell, if she would just look at the damn thing it would be enough! Anything but sitting there in silence.'

Lily, ignorant that her Professor was just as miserable as she was, just sat there contemplating. She couldn't let Mercury starve. That simply was not an option. She discarded all the violent impulses (such as knocking Potter unconscious while she ran out to feed Mercury) because they would only cause more problems in the long run. She ran through a number of lies she might say, all of them seeming too ridiculous and unbelievable.

Half of her wished she had an excellent lie to explain away everything, incriminating _him_ instead. The other more traitorous half of her was glad that she was forced to consider telling the truth... she wanted to open up to him, but she was afraid it was for the wrong reasons. She wanted someone to listen to her without judging her, even if her fears were silly and childish. She wanted to be able to show her utter weakness to someone, just so she could stop acting so strong. She wished she shared a warm bed with someone, so that no matter what was happening in the rest of her life, she had that one place of continual comfort and happiness. A place to which she could truly retreat and lay herself bare, getting rid of any weights on her chest or burdens from her back.

She still hadn't written anything though... She hoped that the words would sort of spring to the page, explaining even to herself what she had been thinking at the time.

The minutes passed and Lily could do nothing but wonder how on earth she was supposed to confess, to bear her soul while sitting in an uncomfortable chair next to the cold window to an unsympathetic piece of parchment.

x

Finally Lily moved, but not to take up the quill. She rose silently from her seat and crossed the room, walking straight passed him without a glance and entered his office. Confused and curious he got to his feet and followed her. He stopped in the doorway, rendered momentarily immobile by sight before him. Curled up like a fetus with her knees against her chest, Lily was tracing her fingers along the long golden fluid line that spelled her own name. Sadness, confusion and suppressed excitement swirled together in his mid section, one emotion inextricable from the other. His uncertainty as to what to do melted away as she began to speak. He simply listened.

x

She could do it. This was her place too... he had accepted her into his office, into his bed, into his life... she could do her best to give him something back... even if it was something so tiny as the truth.

"I didn't want to go to sleep..." she began simply. "I wanted to distract myself. No matter where I went, the astronomy tower or pacing in my common room, I was still trapped in my mind. The books I perused in my room weren't demanding enough of my attention, and my thoughts kept straying back..."

"I could take no comfort in sleep either, it's just as bad. My first thought had been (humiliatingly) to come to you, but I remembered that you were with Sirius so I hazarded a trip to Hagrid's on my own, knowing that it was wrong. He wasn't there either. I made myself not worry about either of you... or I tried. I was tired of unnecessarily worrying..." James remained standing in the doorway, watching Lily's monologue as if he were a spectator in a play.

"Foolish as it was I thought to flee from mind into the forest, where I had something else to think about, to focus on. So I had something _real_ to worry about... strange as that sounds, so it wasn't all in my head. I had to justify my unease somehow. The forest, while peaceful in its own way way, also forced me to keep my mind alert and focused on the task at hand. Like an obstacle course.

"I would like to say it was a sort of premonition or fate that prompted me out last night, but that would be untrue... But I'm still glad I did. I'm glad that Bane found me. I'm glad I could help Hagrid, and glad I wasn't in my room at dawn waiting for someone who would never show up." Stupid, stupid, stupid! Lily thought. She hadn't meant to say that. She didn't want to reveal to him that she would have been hurt or disappointed if he hadn't met her, being too drunk to pick her up. "I'm not criticising you mind, I just really hate waiting around for something that will never come, it makes me feel foolish and angry for having wasted time for nothing...

"But don't think that I'm not sorry. I am. Sorry for breaking the rules, sorry for disappointing you and most of all sorry that I can't seem to go two days without doing something that makes you justifiably yell at me. I'm sorry, James, I really am; I just... didn't want to be me for a bit.

"I felt so cooped up, trapped. Not only inside the Hogwarts walls, but as Lily Evans. There were so many things Lily Evans couldn't do. People noticed Lily Evans, people gossiped about Lily Evans, looked up to Lily Evans or hated her, asked Lily Evans for help, depended on Lily Evans for feeding every dawn, dusk, and midnight, people 'expect great things from Lily Evans...'

"Being a deer was the only other identity I had, and deer don't do well in common rooms or astronomy towers... Who would notice a deer in a forest? What is that deer to anyone? Nobody expects anything from a deer, or hates it because it _is_ a deer. A deer is _nothing_, and that's all I wanted to be." She hadn't expected to go on like that. She had been prepared to tell the truth but she didn't know she would have let her heart run away with her mouth. She couldn't look at him. She didn't want to see what kind of face he was making. She wished he weren't there and that she hadn't said anything, or had lied. Going over it again it really did sound completely mad. She was humiliated and she had only herself to blame.

x

James took a tentative step inside his office, wondering if she was finished. She didn't say anything; she simply stayed curled up in her chair, continuing to look away from him.

"Do you feel there is too much pressure on you?" he asked. She certainly did have a lot of things to worry about. Most adults might crack under all the pressure of being a full time straight O head student, guardian, and order member. Not to mention having to cope with the repeated attempts on one's life.

"It's not the pressure I mind. I like pressure and my responsibilities. I like fighting for the order, but I'll go mad if I don't have anyway to vent. I could handle anything that came my way given that I had..."

x

She couldn't say the next part; it was too personal a desire to admit... She wanted to be a part of something, of someone. She wanted someone with whom she could face the world... together. That reassurance would make all the difference... But that was only half of it. The other half was even more embarrassing. She wanted not only someone with whom to face the world, but someone with whom she could retreat from it... go home, go to bed... and ignore the rest... Forget everything but that person... She wanted... _love_. She needed it, longed for it. She had seen its power, knew that it was not only the most singularly emotionally rewarding experience of a lifetime but it also had the most powerful magical content. She had witnessed it before. Love, in its purest and most selfless form was about the oldest and most powerful magic in the world.

But she couldn't tell _him_ that. She had admitted to James before, in the very beginning that she wanted to be loved... but it was so much more than that...

Instead, she finished lamely, "I could handle anything that came my way given that I had... help."

"That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard..." he said callously.

She rose to her feet in indignation. She had spilled everything and he was mocking her! That was exactly what she had been afraid of, and since she wouldn't bring herself any lower by crying, she yelled at him instead.

"And you wonder why I don't talk to you?! Know that the only reason I even told you that much is because I want to feed Mercury," she consoled herself. "And now I've said it I want to slap you... more than I've ever wanted to hit anyone in my entire life!"

"Why?" he said, taking hold of her shoulders.

"Because now you _know_ and I can't stand it! I agree, it was stupid, but I swear on Merlin's grave, Potter, if you dare treat me differently because of this I **_will_** slap you, that being the _least_ painful out of the number of other unpleasant things I want to do!"

"I will slap _you_ right now if that's what it takes to knock some sense into you! It was the stupidest thing I ever heard not because you want help, but that you find the thought of it so ignominious! How on earth do you see that as something to be ashamed of? People are meant to stick together. We are meant to depend on one another! You aren't wonder witch, you are Lily Evans. The order was created so that we could all work as a team, so we wouldn't have to face it alone. Death Eaters are working together and so should we. No one is expecting you to take on everything single-handed. That's why you have **_me_**. And to reiterate the point if you didn't understand any of that I'll put it more bluntly. YOU AREN'T ALONE!" By that time he was shaking the shoulders to which he clung. She would probably have bruises there later.

Lily blinked, which was about the most intelligent response she could manage at the time. He gripped her shoulders painfully tight as he half glared at her.

"Have I finally gotten through to you?" he said letting go of her. Well, if she couldn't do more than blink she certainly couldn't speak, how was she supposed to respond?

Sensation and cognition slowly returned to her. Yes, he had gotten through, loud and clear. They were in this team mates, buddies, colleagues, partners... and just about a dozen other perfectly platonic synonyms. She was grateful and moved, yes. But what he didn't see (and she was glad he didn't) was that she wasn't talking about fighting the dark lord.

x

When Lily still didn't respond James was afraid he might _actually_ have to slap her. Not only did he not feel like hitting her, but it wouldn't exactly further his point either. Yes, it might rouse her to some emotion or speech, but in the long run, he would just be doing more harm than good. One doesn't generally tell a girl you will be around to help her and then proceed to slap her... it seemed to him that that would send conflicting messages.

So he poked her instead.

x

"So..." he said, gently prodding his finger into her middle. "Did you get all that or do I need to go through it again?" he asked gently. The question was something that _any_ teacher could have asked _any_ student; but the situation, lecture, and tone was so entirely different as to cause Lily to go weak in the knees.

Her tongue remained a useless dead weight in her mouth so she shook her head. No he didn't need to go through it again. She had a horrible feeling growing in her chest... well... the feeling in and of itself wasn't negative, quite the reverse. It was the most wonderful thing she had felt in years, which was disheartening because she knew that there was no way he would feel the same way...

"Good, and as to your request about treating you differently, I will treat you however I bloody well please. So prepare yourself. I'm going to do something now Evans, and you are going to like it, whether you like it or not!" Out of everything he had said, it was the confusion of syntax that brought her to speech.

"Isn't that a bit contradictory? How can I like it if I..." she was cut off as her face collided with his shoulder. His arms were tight around her, as if he meant to disapparate away with her. But of course they didn't. They both stayed there, rooted in his office.

"Damned girl..." he muttered softly into her hair.

x

'I'm not dying!' she thought ecstatically when she realised that James was actually holding her against him, one big hand cradling the back of her head, keeping it against his chest. She wasn't dying nor had she just almost died. This hug was just a _hug_!

She had had a great many hugs in her life, so this one shouldn't have been any more phenomenal, but it was. Perhaps because she knew that it was genuine. Professors don't just hug their students every day. One would have to truly mean it to violate that boundary, finding sentiment that prompted it more important than the breach. Even if the sentiment wasn't exactly the same that she was (afraid she might be) feeling, it was still reassuring to know that he cared for her in any way at all.

"Do I still have to write the essay?" she asked. She had finally regained the ability to speak and _that_ was what came out of her mouth... the least important of all questions and statements that had been going through her mind.

"No, you don't have to write the essay..." he said messing up her hair. "But you _do_ have a unicorn to feed..."

...Lily had put on the cloak, but was impeded from leaving the office by James.

"We can't go unless we both move out of the doorway..." she stated unnecessarily.

"Put your hand on my chest."

"What?"

"Just do it."

Confused and (admittedly) thrilled by such an odd request she did so, placing her palm across a well developed pectoral. Feeling her touch, he snatched her wrist up in one hand, holding on tightly as he began to tow her out of the room.

"I'm not letting you go, so don't even try. You are going to be on a tight leash for the next few days..." he explained.

He pulled her along through the dark castle passages, as if she really were a puppy on a lead. She didn't mind at all but had to forcibly push away the ridiculously appalling puns that kept cropping up about being a teacher's pet. Lily despised puns, especially those in poor taste.

xx

Lily hummed as she fed the unicorn. He preferred it when she sang but he wasn't going to complain. He would only be able to hear it for a short while longer... then Mercury would be weaned and he would no longer have an excuse to see her every other midnight...

The midnight feedings were always the best. She was always more willing to speak at night, as if she felt safer, concealed in the darkness, and comforted by the stillness. More interesting things always happened around the midnight feedings too. Riding brooms, taking a walk around the lake and running into the centaurs, that nearly erotic duel in the forest... that time he had fallen asleep with his head in her lap as she sang the very same lullaby he was listening to now...

Strange, he had forgotten that last one until that moment. Duel included it was by far his favourite. But it, like so many other delicious memories, were placed in that "let's pretend this never happened," category. He couldn't mention it without making it awkward. When he thought about it, he didn't want to _talk_ about it... he simply wanted to repeat them... and perhaps try to take a few of them further a field.

When he realised in what direction his train of thought laid, he immediately looked around for a stick or some blunt object with which to beat himself over the head.

'Stop it,' he told himself. Just because Lily was the woman he connected most with and with whom he was spending the most time at the moment didn't mean he could allow himself to let his baser needs interfere with proper and innocent sentiment. He just needed to relieve himself that's all. Perhaps he would go out with Sirius some night this week and _not_ get completely inebriated.

He worked out the logistics in his head. Depending on the night, he might not be able to start until after midnight, either that or he would have to be finished before 6. There was no way he would take her back to the castle, so they'd have to stay at hers, which would be best seeing as he intended to make a disreputable retreat anyway. If he started after midnight that means he would have until his first class... but when he thought about it, it didn't really matter. He'd probably leave right after he was finished anyway... especially if he had to meet Lily for the dawn feeding. He would **have**to take a shower before meeting her too, because there was no way he would meet Lily with another woman's scent on him... Actually, he didn't think he could face Lily whether he showered or not...

He looked around for that stick or blunt object again, but didn't find one. No. It simply couldn't be. 'Just because you can't sleep with one woman doesn't mean you can't sleep with any of them!' he scolded himself. 'There is no need to get so frustrated when half the people in the world are women... Lily is the only woman in the immediate vicinity worth bedding. I am just in desperate need of spending time outside of the castle that's all. See more of the half of the world that I'm interested in... They might not have Evans's charm, body, heart or sense of humour but they are still women. I mean, not all women can be like Lily, but that doesn't mean that there aren't _some_ out there worth my attention. A blonde. A nice, _well rounded_ blonde,' he thought to himself.

Lily sighed and fell back, looking up at the sky. Her beautiful auburn hair pillowing her head. She was playing with a lock of it, twirling it between her fingers.

'No, definitely a red head...' he thought. 'and she doesn't need to be overly shapely either... Perhaps a bit tall and lean, soft pale skin, entrancing green eyes and a voice that would put any siren to shame... who twirls their hair when she gazes at the stars... whose long legs just are just screaming to be separated, who felt so amazingly soft and fragile beneath...'

"Damn it, where is that stick!" He needed that blunt object to knock those ideas out of his head.

"What?" She stopped twirling her hair and sat up. "You mean the gargantuan one Hagrid and Fluffy were playing with when he was knocked unconscious? I'd imagine it's still in the forest where they left it. Why? Do you not think it was actually Fluffy who knocked Hagrid down? Because I've been wondering that too..."

James decided not to tell her that she had been incorrect in assuming that that was the stick in question, but to continue along this more constructive line of thought. He had, in fact, wondered about that, but had been so preoccupied being angry with Lily that he hadn't had a chance to go back and have another chat with Hagrid.

"The thought had occurred to me," he said after clearing his throat (and mind) of the useless detritus that had accumulated there. "Not at all an attractive option, but I'm afraid there is very little we can do to investigate...Hagrid obviously doesn't remember anything, and I doubt there would be any evidence that could help us any..."

"Except for the stick?" she asked curiously. Oh yes, that bloody stick, that's why they were talking about this.

"Doubtful."

"If you wanted to know where it was why didn't you ask me? I'm sure between myself and Mercury we could find the place again. Or ask Hagrid, he's bound to know."

"You are _not_ going back into the forest any time soon. I'll get Hagrid to help if I need it."

"So what do you think_ did_ happen?"

"I really don't know, but that noise that distracted him from Fluffy..."

"Could have been intentional to get him to turn his back away long enough for the assailant to attack?"

"It's a possibility..."

x

Disheartened by the lack of either answers or leads she reclined back again to stare at the sky. If anyone had attacked Hagrid they would have to answer to **her**. But if they had wanted to do Hagrid harm, why did they only stop with knocking him unconscious? Surely an evil opponent would want to injure him more. Hagrid's giant hide did offer him protection against most spells, but if she assumed that if the being responsible was powerful enough to incapacitate the half giant in the first place then one would surely think they would be powerful enough to do more damage... Unless they were interrupted! Perhaps the centaur came upon them and drove them away. That was very likely. Lily decided that she and Mercury would have to ask them sometime...

'Oh damn,' she thought. If she were caught having gone into the forest again there would be hell to pay. She could go with Hagrid tomorrow night on the pretence of Hagrid thanking the centaurs. She would run the idea by Hagrid at dawn, to see what he thought. If that proved fruitless because the centaurs being characteristically tight-lipped or they genuinely didn't know, then perhaps she could try to think of someone else to ask...

She might try communicating with Fluffy as a deer, but she didn't dare go near Fluffy without Hagrid present, nor did she dare reveal to Hagrid that she was an illegal animagus. So that promising lead was denied her...

'Unless!' she thought hopefully, she could convince James to have Hagrid take him to see Fluffy, and Lily follow behind them in deer form. Under the (hopefully) calming influence of Hagrid, Fluffy might communicate with her instead simply wanting a bite of venison.

She doubted James would be enthused with the idea, but if nothing else worked she was determined to ask.

"What are you thinking?" Lily jumped, slightly startled. She had almost forgotten James was there. He had been so silent and she so wound up in her own thoughts...

"Nothing," she said in automatic defence.

"I don't believe that for a moment."

"Oh... uh... it's really nothing."

"You are lying, my dear. You were working something through that crafty little mind of yours. It showed plainly on your face. You are up to something, Evans, and I will know what it is."

"It's nothing!" Why she kept saying this she had no idea, she could have lied easily twice now and have been rid of the subject.

James cocked an eyebrow suspiciously at her. "Don't try to push me away now... it won't work. It will be easier on both of us if you just tell me now instead of having to repeat the slow painful process of me forcing it out of you again..."

Lily made a confused questioning sound and James sighed.

"Do you think I enjoyed giving you that detention? Think I like forcing you to actually talk to me? Believe me, I don't. I would love it if you could to trust me enough to tell me when things are wrong or to ask for help. I'm here for you, don't push me away..."

She had made her fair share of attempts to push him away, but this wasn't one of them. In fact, all of her attempts to push him away had been pretty feeble now that she thought about it. It had always been her mind telling her that this as inappropriate or wrong, so she had taken a few uncommitted steps to distance herself. But something always drew her back, whether it was circumstances, her own heart, or even James himself she didn't know.

He was her weakness, she knew that and yet... how many times had he given her strength? The warmth of his presence had comforted her, gave her the power to face a number of situations, from her first order meeting in Dumbledore's office to facing her own attempted murder.

"I'm not..." she mumbled embarrassedly.

"Pardon?"

"I'm not pushing you away anymore." She said as if she were telling this to herself as well as to him, the last word an unintentional but truthful codicil.

x

"Promise me." He knew he was taking a chance here, trying to make her promise to something. She was so finicky about giving her word... something that he admired in her, even though it proved to be difficult at times. Still, he wanted to jump on this opportunity while it was there.

"Promise what?" she asked. James had to think very carefully how he would word it. If too loose, she would easily find and take ruthless advantage of loopholes, if too strict, it would scare her away and she would simply outright refuse.

"Promise me that if you think you might need help with something, or when something is wrong or bothering you that you will come to me. Put away your pride and at least let me in on whatever it is that troubles you... if we can exercise some preventative truth telling we can spare ourselves future torment. Just a few words that you wouldn't say could spare us a lot of future woe and most likely pain. Plus, being honest feels great. The truth shall set you free and all that..." he trailed off invitingly.

"But some fears aren't worth mentioning. Some really are stupid and inconsequential..."

"Well from now on, let me be the judge of that. Some things you need to worry about more, and others less. And you will feel better not having to keep them to yourself..."

"You will think I'm stupid. Your opinion of me would fall if you knew all the silly things that went through my head throughout the day."

"Keep in mind that I can't think any lower of you than I already do... so you needn't worry about your pride being hurt. Does that help?" She glared at him and the stupid grin he was sporting.

"Hardly..." she said coldly.

"Come on, Evans. Don't make me beg..."

"Oooh!" she said, an evil twinkle shining in her eye with an evil smirk to match. "Begging... that sounds nice... I might be tempted to promise if you _beg_..."

"You contemptible woman! You just want to humiliate me because you think that by promising I'll be humiliating you! You just wanted company for your wounded pride!" he accused.

"So?" she said simply. James was silent for a moment, shocked that she had actually admitted to it. "It seems fair, doesn't it? You want to be fair, don't you?" The smile on her face right then was worthy of Machiavelli himself.

"I'm _not_ begging, Evans..."

"Then I'm not _promising_, Potter." She leaned back and stretched herself out along the ground getting comfortable for a long wait. She closed her eyes, a complacent smile on her lips...

She looked so delicious displayed like that, but James (not altogether successfully) forced the idea from his mind. He stood arms tightly crossed over his chest, placing one foot on either side of her to tower over her. She didn't open her eyes.

"Lily..." he said with that voice of his that pretended to mask ire with patience. She opened one eye to look at him.

"Yes James?" she said sweetly.

"Are you really going to play this game?"

"What game would that be?" She asked propping herself on her hands as she leaned back, that sickly sweet smile still in place. That as answer enough. She _was_ playing. He growled and lowered himself to his knees, taking her by the shoulders. James was satisfied to see the smug look vanish from her face. He felt her arms wobble and finally give way. She landed hard on her back and he landed hard on top of her. "Promise me," he demanded, his teeth bared. Her eyes widened in shock and something else. Fear? Yes, she looked almost afraid of him. He was almost regretting being so harsh when she breathed almost inaudibly "I promise..."

James smiled in triumph, but it vanished a moment later when she said in that same worried breathless voice "I can't breathe..."

"Oh, sorry," he said getting off her. He must have knocked the wind out of her.

x

It hadn't been his weight that had kept her from breathing, but the sheer fact of him being so close to her again... These things simply had to stop happening. She couldn't take it... She was shaking as she sat up, trying to catch her breath.

"Sorry, Evans..." he said rubbing her back. "Didn't mean to be so rough. If you had simply promised in the first place it never would have happened..."

"You big bully..." she said a bit more strongly this time. She had regained her breath and was cursing James Potter. Her mind had been a total blank when he was on top of her. She couldn't even remember what she had been promising. He simply said 'promise me' so she had promised.

At least now she could use his bullying her as an excuse for promising, just as the last time she had used feeding Mercury as an excuse to tell him the truth. Both things she secretly wanted to do, but didn't have the personal strength to actually go through with. She relied on James's strength. 'But if he thinks he can just press his body up against me and get me to do anything he wants then...' well... he'd probably be right because she didn't have the strength to say no to him. But later after she had had time to think and plot her revenge he would definitely reap the consequences!

x

James was thoroughly pleased with his victory.

"Good, now that we have that settled, what were you thinking just then when I asked you?"

"Wait, I didn't promise to tell you every single thought that passes through my head. I'm allowed to have my own _private_ thoughts, aren't I? Some may not be suitable for sharing..."

"Don't try to get out of it by making it sound sexual. I _know_ what a woman looks like when she has sex on the mind, and that wasn't it," he said, successfully keeping the disappointment out of his voice. "You were scheming, I know you were." Lily sighed in defeat.

"I'll tell you on Thursday, promise. I just want to discuss something with Hagrid first..."

James took a moment to consider this. She had just given her word she would tell him day after tomorrow, so he _would_ find out eventually, and yet that familiar jealousy he often felt towards Hagrid was prompting him to make her speak now. Reason won out and he said, "very well, but if you are saying that in hopes I will have forgotten by then you are mistaken."

"No, I'll tell you. I had meant to tell you before you even made me promise... I just automatically panicked and backed away. You sometimes have that effect on people, did you know that?"

"I know. It's my powerful dominant personality."

"Yes, with a very powerful and dominant stench of cheese to go with it."

"Oi, nothing wrong with that," he said pretending to be defensive.

"Nothing at all..." she replied with a genuine smile. She knew very well that James Potter wasn't ashamed of being the 'heart' of the group. In fact, there was no real reason he should be.

They sat in silence for a long while, James basking in the glow of his victory, and Lily in contemplation of the enormity of what she had just done. She had been wanting someone with whom she could be completely honest, and, yes, she would begrudgingly admit she wanted that person to be James. But she knew she was only setting herself up to be hurt. She hated waiting around for things that will never happen, and she was sure this would be one of those things. And yet she couldn't stop herself from going along with it.

She would be honest with James about her feelings from now on... well... honest about her feelings save the inappropriate ones such as the hideously large school girl crush she was harbouring. She also wouldn't tell him about the fears that went with it, about setting herself up for hurt simply by opening up to him. And she decided that wanting to see him without his shirt again wasn't a feeling she wouldn't admit to either because it wasn't a feeling... That is to say it's not an _emotion_. She couldn't say it wasn't a feeling because it definitely made her **feel** _something_.


	34. In Which an Unlikely Team is Formed

**Chapter 34: ****In Which a Most Unlikely Team is Formed **

That time next evening Hagrid and Lily were sitting in the hut, discussing previous events.

"Sorry Hagrid, I thought they might be able to tell us what happened. Pity they don't know."

"Or they say they don't."

"That too. It's just so irritating."

"Wha'?"

"The not knowing! We don't know if it was an innocent accident or intentional violence. What if someone really did try to hurt you, Hagrid? What if they are still out there?" she asked, panic starting to creep into her voice. Hagrid noticed her becoming agitated and placed a large hand on her shoulder.

"I'll be fine, don't you worry."

"How can I not worry? Hagrid, you are the most competent and powerful man I know. It must be someone really powerful to take you down. Any why would they? You are so kind, who would want to hurt you? You haven't done anything to anyone!"

"No matter, Lily. If people want to hurt others who are muggle born then there are probably those out there who would want to hurt those who had a giantess for a mum."

"Oh Hagrid do be careful. Don't go out in the forest on your own anymore, please?"

Hagrid decided not to point out the glaring hypocrisy of the girl. "I'm gamekeeper. It's my duty to look after the grounds..."

"At least let me come with you."

"Yeh think that if yer there nothing will happen?"

"That's not it! I want to be there if something _does_ happen."

"Then there would just be two injured people instead o' one."

That was true. If Hagrid couldn't defend himself there was probably little more Lily could do. Still, she would feel better knowing than not knowing.

Hagrid took her back to the castle after they had a calming cup of tea. Lily didn't sleep, obviously. Instead she wandered around the castle, in search of a boggart to replace the one she had destroyed. It wasn't really that important but it was something to do. She went into abandoned classroom after abandoned classroom.

It was strange that after seven years there was still a part of her (the muggle part, probably) that found it difficult to believe. It was almost ludicrous, wandering around cold, dark empty rooms in an enchanted castle looking for the embodiment of fear... It just didn't seem real.

With no luck above ground she decided to try the dungeons. She went down the stair case and after a moment of consideration, passed by the painting of the bowl of fruit without going in.

Lily didn't know why, but she was slightly shocked to see that the Hogwarts dungeons were actually dungeons. The few that she had visited before had been converted into classrooms, but these were dank, with the feeling of pain and despair somehow imbued into the walls. She had to remind herself that Hogwarts hadn't always been (and wouldn't always be) the shining beacon of wisdom and safety as it was under Dumbledore's excellent Head-mastery. Hogwarts had its darker side too.

She nudged every wardrobe, chest, or box she thought could be a place a boggart might wedge itself. She was unsuccessful for the first hour, but when she nudged a chest she heard a frightful shrieking and frantic scratching from within. Lily was so startled that she jumped back, tripping over a chair and fell to the floor. Her head collided painfully with the uneven stone, causing bright spots to appear behind her eyes. Once she had collected herself, she stood and approached the coffer once again. A great heavy lock sat on the top set by several heavy chains. Both lock and chains were rusted over; obviously it had been long time that it had been opened.

What on earth could it be that would make someone want to keep it locked away in the obscurity of a lost dungeon? It certainly _wasn't_ a boggart. She felt she knew how Pandora must have felt... but Lily congratulated herself for displaying the presence of mind that Pandora hadn't, and decided _not_ to open it. Poor Pandora, if she had heard a tale similar to her own she might have made a different decision and could have been spared her fate... Lucky for Lily, Pandora came first, and Lily avoided a possibly calamitous situation.

Thinking she would tell James or Hagrid about it later she left the dungeon holding the back of her head to find the next one.

She finally succeeded in locating a boggart later, but seeing as she didn't dare try to get it on her own; she simply made a note of its location so she could come back and collect it with James later.

There was a fire burning dully in her common room when she entered. By its dying light she saw James sleeping on her couch, thankfully not drooling on her cushions. She restarted the fire to a cheery blaze and covered him with the throw which was draped over the back of the sofa. Under this new warmth he stretched out a bit more, muscles relaxing and mouth turning up in a slight smile.

Lily sat down on the floor next to him and simply looked at him for a bit. She tried to figure out just what exactly James meant to her. He meant a lot, that was certain, but in what respect she didn't know. Perhaps that was what her problem had been. She had always been preoccupied with what he is, or how to define what they were, but she realised that it didn't matter. All of her uncertainty and worries in regards to James had been not knowing how to behave around him. She had been so concerned with how she should act, that she didn't stop to think of how he deserved to be treated. She had been selfish really, whereas he had been completely selfless.

He had done so much for her. Not only saving her life, but bringing her back from her grief, slowly but surely. He didn't care about how it would appear or how he _should_ behave, he simply did what was in her best interest; doing anything he could to help her. He was a sterling exemplar of something. She didn't know what nor would she try to find the word, but she knew that whatever it was, James was a sterling example of it. Almost all of her growth could be attributed to his prompting and encouragement.

She settled herself comfortably against the couch and silently summoned a book to read until it was time to wake him. He woke before she had to. He moaned and yawned and rubbed his eyes. When he was mostly awake he spotted her.

"Oh, morning red," he said rumpling her hair.

"Ow."

"What?"

"You so cleverly managed to find the exact spot where I fell and hit my head."

"You don't fall... I've never seen you fall." He yawned again.

"I did this time."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "Why?"

"I was startled, that's all. Some _thing_ in a chest started shrieking and when I backed away from it I tripped and fell."

"Ah ha... knew it had to be something like that. I can't imagine you just falling of your own accord... unless it's out of a bed."

"Which reminds me; I found another boggart for you."

"You found a boggart in bed?"

"Certainly not, in the dungeons where the hitting of the head took place. I discovered a chest I want you to see. It was chained to the teeth..."

"Providing chests have teeth."

"Naturally, and the lock was old and rusted, but something was alive inside. Scratching and wailing to get out."

James's brows drew together.

"You didn't try to let it out, did you?"

"Of course not!"

"Hmm..."

"I made a note of the locations of both, so we can find them later," she said, handing him the aforementioned note.

"Fine, fine," he said stretching. "I was wondering where you were, couldn't find you in the astronomy tower. Didn't think to look in the dungeons."

"Weren't afraid I'd gone off to do something dangerous and stupid?"

"Naw. Too soon. I give it another week. I trusted you not to do anything _too_ terrible so immediately after the last one."

"Right," she said uncertainly. She didn't know if going out into the forest with Hagrid constituted as '_too_ terrible'. Hagrid was Hagrid after all. She knew that she had a new honesty policy with Potter but perhaps the topic of Hagrid and the forest could be left for a later time...

"So it's Thursday. You've had the chance to talk to Hagrid I presume?"

'Well so much for that idea,' Lily thought. She sighed and replied in the affirmative

"See, I told you I wouldn't forget. So go on then, what's the scheme?"

She described her proposal as they went down to Hagrid's hut. When she mentioned the part about perhaps asking fluffy as an animagus he cried out, "Brilliant, Evans! Simply brilliant! Not with you, of course, but the theory is excellent."

"Wait, why not me?" she asked.

"Because if you are staying out of sight as a doe then we can't watch you. You are too vulnerable."

"I'll be safer as a doe than as a human." she countered.

"Not around Fluffy."

"I thought of that, which is why I wouldn't go without you and Hagrid to keep him at bay..."

x

James considered this. Yes, she had an excellent point. He couldn't argue with it so he decided to change the topic. "We can discuss that later," he said, thinking he wouldn't. "Would you look at that coat? It's almost completely silver now."

Lily turned to Mercury; he became bigger and more beautiful every day. Hagrid had been keeping vegetation in his pen for Mercury to snack on and become accustomed to, and the amount he had been given to drink had been cut down little by little. It was mostly just ritual now. Within a week he would be completely silver and entirely weaned.

Lily was sad for several reasons, one: that Mercury wouldn't need her anymore, and two: that it would take away the opportunity of seeing James as often as she did. They sat there for a long time not speaking.

"I'm going to miss this," she said as she stroked that beautiful guilt coat. She didn't want to lose Mercury. Even after he fully grown she still wanted to be a part of his life. "I'll still come and see you in the forest sometimes, alright?"

James coughed loudly and pointedly. Lily quickly added, "But I won't be out in the forest _alone_, I'll come with James, or you can meet me here at Hagrid's."

James nodded in approval. "Good girl. You're learning."

"I try. Speaking of learning..."

"What?"

"Class."

"Not yet," he whined.

"If you want to make it to breakfast before then you should leave now."

"Why not you teach for me today, hmm?"

"It will be fine. No one in the class holds Monday against you. There's no need to feel ashamed about it. They are all good kids and you are a great teacher. They are smart enough to see that, I promise."

"I don't know if I would be so forgiving when I was a student."

"Then you must have been a spoiled brat of a student."

"I probably was," he said with a sigh.

"I will have of this moping nonsense. Come on, up!" she said grabbing his hands and pulling him to his feet. "You'll feel better once you've had a nice breakfast."

x

He _did_ in fact feel better after breakfast, but he didn't know if it had been the food that improved his spirits or to the bad joke competition Lily had instigated during the meal. James won when Lily started laughing so hard she couldn't breathe, and therefore unable to continue the barrage of stale humour.

His excellent mood didn't last, in fact it left when Lily did. She had to go to Charms (was it sad he knew he schedule?) and he had to teach his first lesson.

Despite Lily having reassured him during the dawn's feeding, when he found himself facing his 7th year class that afternoon he was overcome with a fresh wave of unease. He looked at Lily uncertainly, who smiled and nodded encouragingly.

"Good afternoon, class."

"Good afternoon professor Potter," the class said as one.

"Before we begin practicing today, let me apologise for Monday, especially to Miss Jennings. I admit, I didn't intend for anyone to..." he stopped as Moira raised her hand.

"Professor," she began; her voice was stronger than what Lily had remembered of the small girl. "We would all like a chance to face the boggart again. Please let's not move on to the next lesson until we have mastered the last one."

James was thoroughly heartened by this. Not only was he proud of his students for their endurance but he was also glad that he could get rid of the guilt which had been plaguing him for the past three days.

"I'm afraid the boggart has been destroyed, but I will endeavour to locate another for tomorrow." The class looked pleased and Lily gave him an '_endeavour to locate_ **my arse**' look. Quite convenient she had found another one. He wondered if she knew the class felt that way or if she was just slightly clairvoyant.

He began the lecture he had originally planned for Monday's lesson. When the time came to practice, he automatically assumed that Lily would be left to partner him as she usually was. His gaze had been on her as he was heading toward her desk, so he was the only one to see her eyes roll back into her head and collapse to the floor...

x

James was there in an instant Rupert, who was standing next to her, was the next to notice.

"Lily!" Roo said sounding terrified. His shout drew the attention of the rest of the class. "I'll take her to the hospital wing," Rupert suggested, but James had already taken the girl in his arms.

"_I'll_ take her," he growled threateningly, as if daring anyone to try to stop him. He stood, holding the unconscious Lily in his arms and crossed the room in long efficient strides. He hollered "Class dismissed!" over his shoulder as he strode purposefully out into the corridor...

The students in the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom stayed in their seats, all silently looking to one another for confirmation. Everyone was thinking it, but no one said a word. No one except the Gryffindor Quidditch Captain...

x

"Damn girl, what have you done to yourself now?" he hissed under his breath as he raced towards the Hospital Wing. Madame Pomfrey saw him and sighed exasperatedly.

"Again Potter?"

"She just collapsed in the middle of lesson. She wasn't struck by anything."

"I would like to go one week, just one week without seeing you or Miss Evans enter my Hospital Wing," she sighed. "Put her on the bed there," she said, indicating the cot nearest him. He did so, gently. Madame Pomfrey began her examination as James watched with pursed lips.

Everything had been going so well. They had finally sorted everything out and it seemed as if they were heading in such a great direction. Then she had to go and do this. She had told him she would tell him when something was wrong, and he had been so pleased that he could avoid future problems that he forgot about the existing ones. This hadn't been the first time he'd seen her pass out.

"There doesn't appear to be anything the matter with her that I can tell. It seems as if she's just sleeping."

"Sleeping?"

"Granted it seems to be such a deep sleep that I can't wake her up, but I can't see that she is in any real danger."

"Unless she doesn't wake up."

"Nonsense, Potter. There is only the merest trace of dark magic on her, but that is an old smear. There is a magical factor here that I can't determine, but I can't tell that that is the cause. It is very likely this is entirely a non magical."

"Is there anyway to do non-magical healing?"

"There is nothing _to_ heal, Potter. You must simply wait until she wakes up."

"Not again..." he moaned.

x

The 7th year Defence Against the Dark Arts students were silent after their professor's impulsive departure and dismissal of class.

Davies looked to Rupert, who didn't say anything. He left the ridiculous explanation to the Quidditch captain. Rupert decided to take more... _indirect_ action. He would need to find an owl soon to send of the note he had composed in his head.

_Lily is in the hospital wing, you may want to make another one of your 'appearances'. Wouldn't want to be outdone by me or your best friend, would you? _

_Rupert Ferris _

x

Sirius was put out as he walked into the Hogwarts grounds that evening. His mood only worsened when a familiar blond haired boy seemed to step out of no where, preventing him from entering the Hospital Wing.

"A word, Black." It wasn't a request. The boy's voice was firm and his eyes were set, staring fixedly on him with a coolness that Sirius didn't like in any but himself. He growled.

"If we _must_," he said reluctantly. "But may I see her first?"

"No."

"Pushy little kid, aren't you?" he said condescendingly.

Roo ignored the comment and continued with his explanation. "The _professor'_s in there now." The meaning was clear, as were the hints in his letter. So the kid knew, damn him.

"You are quickly growing tedious, boy. What do you want?"

"I want you to do me a favour."

Sirius chuckled cruelly at that. "Forgive me, _Ferris, Rupert Ferris_, but I'm not exactly in a _generous_ mood."

"I just want what's best for my friend, and I trust you want what's best for yours."

Alright, the kid has his attention. Now he was half curious, half ungracious. Because of the latter half, he couldn't bring himself to reply so he simply glared and waved a hand for him to go on.

Rupert told the story of the morning's events and the conclusions their best mates' careless actions were leading the students to believe.

"Davies, noble bastard that he is, felt honour bound to 'clear up any misconception' and defended Lily to the end, which only made it worse."

"Davies? Never met him."

Rupert removed the crumpled piece of parchment from his pocket and handed it to Black who looked at it curiously.

"Refracio? What do I want to bend light for?"

"Other side."

Sirius flipped over the parchment. He recognised it immediately and couldn't help smirking slightly.

_I had to divulge our secret today, dearest. I told Davies, Gryffindor Quidditch Captain, that we were seeing each other in order to explain some otherwise unexplainable circumstances... _

_L _

_How delightful... I hoped you found the time to mention the life altering, earth trembling sex? _

_SB _

_In gross detail, my dear..._

_L_

"Please tell me you used that as proof," said Sirius who was grinning madly by now.

"No."

"Why ever not? That's brilliant verification, there."

"Actions speak louder than words. Even _those_ words, which are a bit too explicit for my taste. No, I had something _else_ in mind." Rupert's eyes narrowed and his mouth twitched up in a mischievous smirk. Sirius recognised that look and grinned wickedly in response.

"Sirius Black, at your service..."

x

James had left the Hospital Wing twice since he had arrived, and he was about to do it again. The first time he had gone to Hagrid's to tell him Lily wouldn't be coming tonight, and to explain to Mercury he would have to stick solely to vegetation tonight. The second time he had left to get some work from his office to do. And now that he had finished all his work and Lily still showed no sign of stirring, he simply had to walk about. Staying cooped up in the Hospital Wing, _again_, watching her sleep,_ again_, waiting and waiting for her to wake, _again_. It was driving him mad. He had to get out of there just for a few minutes, he had to take a walk, expel some energy, hit something, or maybe just yell a swear word very loudly and satisfyingly.

His footsteps pounded the stone floors in the darkness as he walked, going no where in particular. He found himself next to the Hogwarts kitchens. Thinking that he hadn't eaten since lunch he almost went in when before he remembered Lily's boggart and wailing chest.

She had been right on both counts. There was a boggart in the wardrobe, and the thing in the chest that was 'chained to the teeth' did indeed contain something eerie and frightening. He left the phantom chest be, but took the boggart back to his office for his class later that day.

He collapsed into the seat behind his desk, putting his head in his hands. So suddenly he almost startled himself he brought his fist down hard on the desk, causing a painful shock to reverberate up the entire length of his right arm. He growled in pain and furiously rumpled his hair with both hands.

"Damn."

He was going to hit his desk again but something sparkly he had glimpsed out of the corner of his distracted him.

_LILY'S CHAIR_

He sighed lowered his head to his desk and much most softly banged his head on it thrice, saying in time with each pounding, "Damn, damn, damn..."

x

Next day, James was about to begin his seventh year lesson with the boggart when Sirius, of all people burst into his classroom carrying a bouquet.

"Flowers! Aww, Padfoot you shouldn't have!" James said in greeting.

"Not for you, you twat." Sirius said, hitting James across the head with the bouquet. Petals scattered everywhere and James started plucking them out of his hair grinning stupidly.

Sirius eyed the now battered bouquet with regret, and put them on the desk before turning back to his best friend.

"This isn't a social call, Prongs. I came to chide you for not telling me Lily was hospitalised. I'm shocked, genuinely shocked you kept this from me. I know, you probably didn't want me to worry. Dashed good of you Prongsie but I'd appreciate the truth in the future. If Ferris hadn't owled me last night I wouldn't even have known and would have spent the entire evening worrying why she didn't show up!" he said slamming his fist indignantly onto the chest beside him which rumbled angrily in protest. Sirius eyed it with mistrust before turning back to his friend. He leaned in and whispered.

"_Fool. You owe me big for covering for you like this. Oh, and Remus says he wants to go it completely alone this time. He told me to tell you_."

He then turned to address Ferris. "Still in the Hospital Wing?"

"Sleeping still last time I checked."

"Right, Well I'm off to see her. Later Prongs, keep her out of mischief and make sure none of _these _lads get to friendly with her while I'm not around."

Sirius picked up the bouquet again and gave James's head another good swat for good measure before striding out of the room, singing _'Hogwarts Hogwarts Hoggy Wotty Hogwarts, teach us something please...'_ in a loud carrying voice.

x

James lowered and shook his head as he watched his friend leave. Petals fluttered to the ground as he did. There was just no helping Sirius. What did he mean he owed him? Owed him for what? For disrupting his class and starting rumours _again_ just to deliver a message from Remus? He could have used the mirror for that. What on earth was that point of that whole ridiculous performance?

Although his initial reaction was to be annoyed with Padfoot, the thought that he had given him a legitimate reason to keep other men away from Lily made him smile despite himself. That was a duty he could (easily) be convinced to fulfil. He had his suspicions that Sirius had done that on purpose in the effort to get him to bed Evans, but the request suited James's more admirable goal of keeping Evans safe, not only physically but emotionally as well. That's what friends are for, right? To keep the brutes louts, Slytherins and other unworthy people away (which was just about everyone James could think of). That's just what good friends do.

But he couldn't think about that now, he had a (rather shocked looking) class to teach...

xx

Sirius strode out of the classroom feeling quite proud of himself. 'What a splendid performance,' he thought. 'Perhaps I should branch off into acting...'

He decided he might as well visit the hospital wing on the off chance she would be awake.

She wasn't. She lay there, still as she had when he had first seen her in St. Mungo's. Sirius was truly disturbed when he felt a genuine stab of worry. He found himself thinking equally repugnant things, like wondering if she was alright, and even worse, if there might be something he could do to help.

"How appalling," he said to himself. "She's not even mine and look what she's doing to me." He shuddered, contemplating how much worse Prongs must be feeling.

xx

"Did you really owl Sirius?" James asked Rupert after the lesson.

"Yes, sir."

"Why?"

"He thinks he's convinced us all that he's seeing Lily. I wouldn't want to deny him that simple harmless delusion. I found it rather humorous."

"Quite..."

"Well sir, I have class," he said shrugging his bag onto his shoulder. He was almost out the door before he turned around and added, "You know, you really did cause quite a stir when you took Lily away. In fact, it was the only thing the class could talk about. _You know how students can say such silly and thoughtless things..._"

And like that he was gone, leaving James to mull over this remark. If he heard Rupert's hint aright, he really _did_ owe Sirius for that dramatic scene. Damn.

x

Lily found herself lying in bed. When she finally seemed to come fully to consciousness she realised that it was James's bed, and the man himself was stretched out next to her, wearing nothing that she could see, which was only as far as his waist. When he saw that she was awake he grinned roguishly and moved over, settling himself on top of her. His weight (and other things) pressed seductively into her as he whispered, '_I'll treat you however I bloody well please.._.' His voice rang powerfully deep and intent in her ear, making her toes curl. She closed her eyes and focused entirely on what she felt. He was kissing her neck intoxicatingly, biting slightly at the pulse point. She moaned something unintelligible as she writhed underneath him, not in any effort to get away but express things she had no other means of expressing. He seemed to think she was trying to wriggle away for he said, '_I'm not letting you go, so don't even try... I'm about to do something, Evans, and you are **going **to like it whether you like it or not..._'he commanded as an exploring hand roamed over her body, lingering in the places she ached to be touched...

Lily woke suddenly, alone in a cold and uncomfortable bed. Her eyes focused and she registered the unwelcome yet familiar sight as the Hogwarts Hospital Wing.

"Not again..." she groaned, shutting her eyes in protest. She was unsure if she meant that agonising dream or being in the Hospital Wing, though it was probably both.

"That's what I said," came the unexpected response from the darkness. She turned to see Potter sitting on the bed beside hers. He did _not_ look happy.

"James! Why are you here?" she asked, sitting up and pulling her blanket over her chest. She realised that she was, indeed, thoroughly awake, no longer dreaming and therefore _not_ naked, so the pulling up of the blanket had not only been useless but ridiculous looking.

"I could ask you the same question..." he said acerbically. Not at all the arousing growl he had used in the dream. She shook her head. She needed to forget that dream and all the others. "Madame Pomfrey doesn't know what to do with you. She says she can't tell that there is anything wrong with you or that you were doing anything other than sleeping..."

"Shouldn't we tell her that I'm awake?"

"In a minute. First you are going to tell me the truth. The _truth,_ Evans. No more dodging, no more prevaricating and certainly no more outright lying."

"What time is it?"

"Sometime after 11, and asking unrelated questions falls under the category of dodging. The truth, Evans. Now..." His voice had been demanding, but it softened as he continued, "Remember saying you'd tell me when things were wrong?" Of course she remembered; how could she forget?

"I was just a bit fatigued."

"A bit fatigued? A bit _fatigued_, Evans? People don't collapse in the middle of class and sleep for 31.5 hours straight if they are only '_a bit fatigued_.'

"31 hours? It's already Friday?"

"It won't be for long... But tell me what happened, if you know."

"Well... It's been a while since I've slept..." she stated timidly.

"How long?" His voice was stern and unyielding.

"How long?" she repeated weakly.

"How. Long," he repeated commandingly.

"Erm..." she began uncertainly. She had to count days in her head. The last time she had truly slept was... Lily sighed. It was the night she spent in Potter's bed after their exhausting and heart pounding duel in the forest... "Thursday?"

She could see James thinking back to that night. "So let me get this straight. The last time you slept was Thursday, when we didn't even get to bed until three, and you were up by six?"

"Yes," she said quietly.

"It's a miracle you didn't collapse before n..." he stopped and then growled as realisation dawned. "I'm taking that bloody potion away from you, Evans! From now on you are going to sleep every night if I have to tie you to the bed and force feed you a slumbering solution. Is that clear?" he snapped.

"Taking away what's left in the bottle will do no good, I still know how to..."

"This is not a negotiation, so say 'yes sir' and mean it."

"Yes sir..." she replied quickly. Was it bad she enjoyed that? That she liked it when he yelled at her and told her what to do?

James's brows rose in surprise. He obviously had been expecting more of a fight. "Alright then." They sat in silence for a few awkward moments.

"So... how was lesson today?" she asked, searching for a harmless change in conversation. James's shoulders slumped and his face darkened.

"I forgot. I meant to tell you Sirius came by, brought you flowers."

"Kind of him."

"Hardly. I think you will be hard pressed to stop the rumours now. I'm really sorry... I don't know why he's being so..."

"I don't mind, really. There are worse things for my reputation than people thinking I'm seeing Sirius Black. In fact it could use that kind of boost after Hogsmeade and the Daily Prophet."

James regarded this unconsidered point and his annoyance with Sirius lessoned to the point where he felt that he actually might thank him. But no, he couldn't bring himself to do that. Still, the rumours Sirius started weren't all that bad. When it came to it, what did it matter what other people thought? They were only silly rumours. He and Lily knew the truth and that's all that mattered.

Another few moments of silence passed before Lily spoke again.

"So seeing as I'm not actually ill, can we go to Hagrid's to feed Mercury? We can come straight back..."

"Madame Pomfrey will likely flip her cauldron if she decides to check up on you and finds you missing."

"So that's a yes?" she asked, a grin creeping across her face. James couldn't help but smile back.

"Put your shoes on and grab your wand."

They were sneaking out of the Hospital Wing not even a minute later; being ridiculously careful to make sure the door didn't make a sound as they left.

"So... everything is alright between us?" she asked uncertainly once she was started feeding Mercury. James simply stared at her.

"How do you mean?"

"Well, I suppose I've messed up again. I keep telling you I'm not going to make any more mistakes and yet I continue to."

"You've been saying you won't make any more mistakes since you lost your wand weeks ago."

"Then why do you keep giving me more chances?"

"Because, _Evans_, people are allowed to make mistakes. It's a marvel that you pick up magic so quickly and yet are so slow to learn the essentials of life. I'm not _asking_ you to be perfect, Lily."

"Then what _are_ you asking of me?"

"You know something? I don't know." He shrugged. "Help I suppose. Would you be flattered to know that you've made my life at Hogwarts much easier?"

"I_ would_ be if I thought it were true. From what I can see I've caused you nothing but trouble from the start."

"You practically did my job for me by finding and flushing out death eaters in the school, and you are a whiz at grading essays. I'll consider that fair trade for my premature grey hairs."

"You don't have any grey hairs..."

"I have so, look," he said pointing to the messy mop atop his head. "I spotted two the other day."

She put the empty bottle down on the ground and set about to find James's grey hairs. It was like trying to find a needle in a haystack at night. In the end after a good ten minutes of searching they only found one silver hair, but they had both enjoyed themselves. Lily loved playing with hair and James loved having his played with. It was the way she ran her fingers through it. He didn't know how she made it feel so incredible but it was certainly a gift to be nurtured.

When they returned to the hospital wing Lily removed her shoes and cloaked and crawled back into her bed as James fetched Madame Pomfrey.

When the healer came out decked out in robe and curlers (Lily didn't know witches used curlers) she asked her a few questions.

"I haven't been able to sleep these past few nights," she answered as vaguely as possible.

"You simply collapsed from exhaustion. No wonder. You'll need to relax for a while," she said dubiously . She knew it was useless telling Lily to take it easy.

"It would be more relaxing if I could rest in the comfort of my own room," she suggested.

"Yes, yes, very well," said Madame Pomfrey with a sigh. "You'll do it anyway, I'm sure. Just... get some _rest_," she said giving Potter a matronly look.

"What?" he said defensively. "Don't look at me she's the one who..."

"Oh off with the both of you," she said impatiently. Madame Pomfrey was a much pleasanter woman when she hasn't been woken up in the middle of the night

The both of them entered Lily's common room and she smiled when James started the fire as she knew he would. He immediately sat down in the armchair by the table and took out some parchment from his briefcase. When Lily saw they were essays to be graded she got up to help but he stopped her.

"No, I'll do them, you just rest. I'm going to stay here until I know you're asleep."

"How can I fall asleep if I know someone's watching me? It's unnerving."

"Try," he said, dipping a quill into a red ink pot.

"Do you really not trust me to go to sleep in my own room?"

"Considering your past record? No."

"That's unfair. How can you expect me to trust you when you don't trust me?" she asked hotly.

"I'd trust you with my life, Lily dear, just not with yours...Now go to sleep."


	35. In Which Professor Black is Back

Chapter 35: In Which Professor Black is Back

Lily slept in late on Saturday. In fact it was past noon when she actually rolled off the couch. One glance around the common room told her that James was no longer there. He must have left after she fell asleep, though she didn't know when that had been. She remembered listening to the scratching of his quill, his steady regular breathing, the crackling of the fire. He even hummed a tune now and again, a distracted sort of melody Lily didn't recognise. She imagined James had probably made it up as he went along.

When she was crossing through her room to take a shower she was (pleasantly) surprised to see that James hadn't wandered too far after all. Potter was asleep on her bed, clutching her pillow to him. He appeared to like to hold on tightly to things in his sleep. 'Some pillows have all the luck,' she thought.

She resisted the urge to pounce on him in a one woman dog pile, and allowed him to continue sleeping. Who knew how late he stayed up grading papers, or how much sleep he had managed to get in the past few days.

x

James awoke but didn't open his eyes. He simply smiled into his pillow. He could hear the sounds of Lily in the shower.

He wasn't smiling because he was picturing her shower, well, he was now but that's now why he was smiling... or rather why he had been smiling originally. No, what had roused him from Morpheus's embrace had been Lily's singing, and it had been the sound of her voice that had made him smile. Wouldn't it be lovely to wake up to _that_ every morning instead of his cursed alarm clock. He loathed it, and its shrill bell.

She really had the most exquisite voice. He was almost put out when her shower ended and she stopped singing. _Almost_. He probably would have been had he not known that the end of her shower meant the imminent appearance of the siren herself.

He found it almost impossible to believe that throughout all of September and October, he hadn't given the girl any thought. If Hagrid hadn't summoned him to help with Mercury in the forest on Lily's birthday he probably _still_ wouldn't know her. She would still be just the bright one in his class.

He felt a surge of affection for the half giant for calling his attention to the amazing true character of the girl. The thought that he might still be ignoring her if Hagrid hadn't unintentionally brought them together almost frightened him. He shuddered to think of what his life would be like now if he hadn't met Lily that day. He would still be alone. Or worse, he might still be with Agatha. That tiny owl (grey with black flecks) that had brought him that note had changed everything. Thank Merlin for that owl and the half giant who sent it. He promised _never_ to be jealous of Hagrid again.

He heard the bathroom door open and Lily wandering about her room. James kept his eyes closed, pretending to still be asleep. He would go back to sleep if he could. He was so comfortable and content. He could feel warm sunlight on his cheek, and smell the soft scent of some floral scented soap wafting in from the bathroom. Lily hummed ever so softly as she walked about the room doing whatever it was she was doing.

He heard her approach the bed to reposition the blankets around him, and felt her hand as it brushed away the curls from his forehead before she left the room.

Completely content with the world, he drifted off to sleep again.

Lily woke him intentionally next time, waving a delicious smelling sausage under his nose. Again, _much_ better than his alarm clock and much better than the other ways she had employed to wake him in the past. He didn't open his eyes, but simply opened his mouth.

"Sorry, Potter. I draw the line at _bringing_ you your food. You'll have to do the rest yourself."

James sighed, he knew the goodness had to end somewhere, and it looked as if this was the end of the line.

"Alright, I suppose that's fair. Bit of a lack of generosity on your part, but fair is fair."

"I brought you breakfast in bed! I'd say that's rather bloody generous, you ingrate." The harshness of her words didn't reach her voice, and when she handed him a plate of food she was still smiling.

"I love Saturdays," said James. "Sleeping in late, nothing to do but loaf about..."

"Speak for yourself. I have loads of work to do. I'll have to track down all my teachers and to find out what I missed. Do we have any homework in Defence Against the Dark Arts?"

"Don't worry about it."

"Tell me, I want to know."

"It was only for people who failed to overcome their boggart."

"I wasn't even in class."

"So you didn't fail to do it."

"I didn't succeed either."

"Honestly I don't know I would have graded you if you had been. I'm not sure how "destroying the assignment" would go down in the grade book. So let's just forget the whole thing and enjoy the utter wonderfulness that is Saturday."

"I need to do Potions and Transfiguration homework."

"Come on Lils, you can do that tomorrow. This is your last Saturday of freedom before you start work in the Leaky Cauldron, you should enjoy yourself."

"How did you know I started work next week?"

"Lily dear, _all_ the order members know. We've each been assigned shifts to watch you.

"Oh. You'd think Dumbledore would have told me that."

"I'm sure he was planning on it," he said stuffing the last piece of bread into his mouth and falling back onto the pillows. They were so much better than his. "So what are the chances that you'd trade rooms with me?"

"That depends on how good your reasons would be."

"Well, your bathroom is nicer, your pillows are softer and your common room is more comfortable."

"You just gave me three excellent reasons why I should _keep_ my room. How about I simply give you one of my pillows for one of yours."

"Deal," he said quickly before she had time to realise he had been joking and changed her mind.

x

Lily actually preferred the stiffer pillows of Potter's room, but she didn't bother saying that. If he knew she preferred his, then that would make her gesture appear more of a trade in self interest rather than a generous offer.

"So what are we going to do today? Work of any kind is strictly forbidden," said James batting at the flecks of dust that floated about in the noon sunlight.

"What is there _to_ do?

"Nothing. That's what makes Saturdays so brilliant. Anything you do on a Saturday is completely pointless..."

Lily didn't like the sound of being pointless. She didn't want to be useless. She wasn't worth anything if she wasn't being useful in some way.

"Perhaps I could go see if Madame Pomfrey needs any help in the Hospital Wing," she wondered aloud. James simply stared at her in disbelief. "What?" she asked, seeing his expression of disapprobation.

"Do you honestly not know how to relax and have a good time? I knew you were addicted to work but this is excessive. You can't spend _all_ your waking hours being productive."

"I don't." She spent lots of time sitting and doing nothing with him in the middle of the night.

"Right. So take your pick, we can go for a swim in the prefects bathroom, write dirty things on the classroom blackboards and blame it on Peeves, go for a ride on brooms..."

"Where would we go if we were to take a ride?"

"Not anywhere in particular. Why?"

"I feel like going for a walk somewhere that isn't Hogwarts. Perhaps through some woods that aren't enchanted and dangerous. Skip stones in a loch that doesn't contain a giant squid, grindylows and merpeople."

James frowned slightly. "You don't like Hogwarts?"

"No, I love it. It's my only home, but... I was just remembering how nice it was walking through London last week, lost in the anonymity of a large and indifferent crowd. Do you think we could fly somewhere? Anywhere so long as it's not here? We can do that, yes?" she asked, almost pleadingly.

James was about to respond when they heard a tapping at the window. Both stood to go to it, but Lily told him not to bother. She let the bird inside and it hopped onto the backrest of a wooden chair, extending its leg out for Lily to remove the letter that was attached to it.

"That's Moody's owl," James pointed out. Lily understood why it had seemed familiar. "It's probably for me."

"It's not..." she said perplexed, taking the letter with her name on it. The owl didn't leave. It waited there patiently.

"He must be wanting a reply."

Without waiting anymore Lily opened the envelope. In it were three separate documents. One was Lily's 'statement' of what had happened in Hogsmeade, which she was to sign and return. Another was a version of the story she was to study so she could have it memorised by the time the trial came. And the last was an explanatory letter.

She read the letter first. Lily pursed her lips as she read, trying not to frown, but James saw anyway and got up to stand behind her, reading over her shoulder as he had once before.

_... which you will find enclosed. Not that I think it will ever come to trial anytime soon if at all. Parents of both Michaels and the deceased have been arrested and taken to Azkaban. Trial pending. Once again my I thank and congratulate you on your assistance with the arrest of 8 death eaters, and the capture of the 4 at Uppingham. _

_Send signed statement back directly. Destroy this letter immediately and make sure to keep the other document secure. Ask Potter, he'll show you how. _

_Kind regards, _

_Alastor Moody. _

The letter depressed Lily for some reason. Perhaps she had just been thinking of how lovely it would be to escape for a few hours this afternoon with James, and instead she would be sucked into exactly the sort of thing she had wanted to avoid. Phrases like 'the deceased' and 'trial pending' jumped out and grabbed her heart, yanking it down towards the floor to be trodden upon.

"Is work of any kind still strictly forbidden?" she asked hopefully turning around to face James. He sighed and shook his head sadly.

"I'll go get you a quill..." he said regretfully, walking out of the room. By the time she had read her statement through James was already back with a large plume and ink pot.

"Do I have to?" she whispered. James took her hand and placed the quill in it, then closed her fingers around it with his own. "But I don't like this. It's not right... They should have a trial, and documents shouldn't be forged..."

"I know you don't like it, but in these times sometimes we have to play dirty too in order to win a few points for our own team. If one side does all the cheating then the cheaters will always win."

"You don't sound like you believe that yourself."

"I don't," he replied truthfully. "And I don't like it anymore than you do. But I trust Moody's judgement. Even if it isn't lawful, knowing that there are fewer Death Eaters on the street because of this makes the injustice bearable... for me any rate. To some degree, the end justifies the means."

"But James..."

"They tried to kill you Lily. You know they did. Just because the method of taking them is corrupt doesn't mean that it isn't the right course of action. The whole ministry is corrupt and infested with the Dark Lord's servants. Corruption is unavoidable now. Perhaps in the future, once He Who Must Not Be Named is defeated we can live by the laws. Perhaps the Ministry will be a place where people the people in power no longer controls others with fear. But we have to make that era come by what means we have in the present. For now, we just have to grit our teeth and do what we know is right, even if it isn't lawful. Can you do that?"

Lily nodded and James let go of her hand so she could sign the parchment. As she completed her signature the writing on the page morphed from Moody's penmanship to her own, matching her signature perfectly.

James folded it up and tried to put it back in the envelope with he withdrew quickly, waving his hand in the air trying to shake away the pain.

"Might have known no one could touch it but you. You'll have to do it," he said handing it back to her. "Do you want to read the letter again, or can I destroy it?"

"Please do. I have no desire to see it again," she replied. She placed the reattached the envelope to the owl's leg and watched it soar away. When the tiny speck that was Moody's owl finally vanished completely into the distance she turned around to find James no longer in the room.

She entered her common room where she found him crouched by the hearth, jabbing at the letter with the fire poker, watching it being consumed by the flames. She knew that there were better and easier ways of destroying things, evanesco, for example. But she had noticed that James preferred watching things burn. Lily preferred that method too. It seemed more real that way. Not just **_poof_** and it's gone. With fire, one could actually follow the progression of destruction; know for a fact that it was no more. And there was something more satisfying in it as well. Perhaps it was the crueller side in them but watching something you hate go up in flames is much more gratifying.

Once it was nothing more than a few black ashes James stood up saying, "Come on Red; let's go for a ride."

x

It wasn't the jolly relaxing excursion either one of them had imagined, which was just as well. Neither of them felt very much like a playful splash in the prefect's bathroom, nor were they in the mood to write mischievous things on blackboards.

They flew north for nearly 50 miles, avoiding all cities and villages until Lily saw a spot of wilderness she liked and began the descent.

The place was beautiful; the loch wasn't as deep the one in Hogwarts or Inverness. The woods seemed so harmless and still. It was as if it were untouched by muggle or wizard. As if it was the same as it had been 500 years ago. The birds that darted through the trees the direct ancestors of those that had been there five centuries ago, the cycle of life unchanged and unaffected by the passing of time.

They sat side by side on a great slab of rock that jutted out over the loch. The silence was broken by the sound of distant bagpipes, so far off that had it not been perfectly quiet, it would have been impossible to hear. Hauntingly beautiful, slow and sad, the piper played on and on as if in mourning still for a love long lost.

Knowing that they were the only people around for miles, Lily placed her head on James's shoulder. He put his hand on her head to keep it there, and stroked her hair as the sat in mutual silence.

x

James was the first to wake the next morning. He sat up, stretched and looked out the window. It would be dawn soon; he hated to wake, her, but he'd have to.

They had stayed there on that jutting rock in the highlands until dusk and apparated back just in time to feed Mercury. The midnight feeding was skipped all together on account of the healer's (and James's) insistence that she get plenty of rest. He looked at the sleeping red head next to him. They hadn't spoken a single word since yesterday when they left to common room to go for their fly.

"_Arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon, which is sick and pale with grief that thou art far more fair than she_," he whispered under his breath. He put a hand to her shoulder and shook gently. "Lily, time to get up."

x

The day was spent catching up on work. Lily caught up with Rupert in the Gryffindor common room, explained that she was alright and got the assignments off of him. She spent an hour or two there, just sitting on the couches that she had grown so accustomed to her first six years there, explaining to Rupert about 'the polarity of magical intent.'

"Did you finish your work that's due tomorrow?" James asked that evening after the feeding and work had been concluded.

"I did."

"Is there any chance you'll go to sleep now?"

"It's barely nine," she protested, feeling like a she was being treated as a child.

"I was afraid you'd say that. Here, have some chocolate," he said handing her a mug. Of course because it had come from James she didn't even think twice about whether or not she should drink it. She sipped it carefully until it cooled and she could take larger swallows.

She had finished about half the glass when she started to feel strange, her head felt as if it were darkening from the inside out. Her thoughts were fuzzy and distant and she couldn't seem to stop her eyes from closing. Her last coherent thought she spoke aloud.

x

"You drugged me?" she asked, her voice a strange mixture of sounding confused, betrayed and drunk.

"Sorry, love. I had to," he replied after she passed out. James scooped her up and carried her into her room, tucking her in as lovingly as he would his own child. He felt guilty about the potion, but he couldn't stay with her tonight to make sure she slept. He had other business to attend to...

x

James wasn't there when she awoke Monday morning but she wasn't surprised. She walked angrily to the main doors to wait for Hagrid.

'The nerve of him, spiking my chocolate with a slumbering solution,' she thought furiously. The moment she entered the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom that morning she would tell him _precisely_ what she thought of him.

The anger vanished completely, because there was no room left in her for anything but complete shock. Not James, but _Sirius Black_ was standing in front of the class. She froze there in the doorway as the last few stragglers came in and took their seats.

"Excuse me, Professor Black, where is Professor Potter?" someone asked. Lily didn't know who, didn't care.

"I'm afraid your Professor Potter was severely injured last night and is recuperating in the hospital wing."

'Severely injured? Hospital Wing?' her mind repeated numbly. She could do nothing but stare at the space in front of her.

"Where's Lily?" Sirius asked Rupert. Roo nodded toward the doorway and Sirius turned around and walked up to her.

"Why cariad, you don't seem pleased to see me!" he said, tilting her chin up with his hand, forcing her to look up into his enigmatic eyes. The touch seemed to bring Lily out of her shocked stupor.

"I'm not," she replied turning on her heels and strode right back out of the classroom. How could she be pleased to see Sirius if his appearance meant that James was hurt?

x

Sirius was torn whether or not to go after her. After a moment's consideration he said to the class "I'll be right back," then called out, "Lily! Lily wait!" before jogging out after her.

He finally caught up with her, grabbing her elbow to make her stop.

"Will you wait?" he demanded.

"Why didn't you tell me?!" she shouted as she wheeled around to face him.

"When and how?" he shot back angrily. "What would you have preferred me do? Confide in you in front of the rest of the class exposing all three of us? 'Oh, there you are cariad! By the way, your beloved James is in the Hospital Wing after being nearly shred to pieces by a giant three headed dog?" Lily's face drained of all colour and Sirius regretted having put it like that.

"Shred to pieces?" she asked weakly. She looked as if she were about to faint. Sirius shrugged off the frightening and ridiculously sentimental urge to hug her comfortingly, and simply placed both hands on her shoulders to steady her.

"I know it was your idea, so I won't bother explaining what we were doing."

"You were with him?" she asked, sounding slightly relieved.

"Yes, I was the one who took him in."

"Is he going to be alright?" Were those tears in her eyes? He thought they were. The damned urge was irrepressible now, so with a reluctant sigh he gave in and pulled her into him. He didn't want to make a habit of these sentimental displays. She'd have _him_ weeping next if he weren't careful.

"Of course..." he said trying to reassure both her and himself. "Prongs is always alright. But for now we have to get back to class."

Lily pulled away smiled at him and shook her head. "I'm not _going_ to class, Sirius..."

"Good girl," he said rumpling her hair. He could tell by that smile that she was going straight to the Hospital Wing. He watched her leave, not going back into the classroom until she disappeared into a secret passage he knew led to the second floor. He smiled proudly.

'Well,' Sirius thought cheerfully. 'At least one good thing came out of that. Now we know that Prong's romance isn't one sided.'

As he walked back to the classroom he wondered what delicious reason he would give them this time. Of course it would look like a lover's quarrel, but he couldn't have them think that his and Lily's romance was on the rocks, especially not for anything _Sirius_ had done.

Sure enough the class was watching him interestedly once he entered the room. They waited expectantly. On a sudden impulse, he decided to tell them the truth, and assumed it would ring all the most powerfully for it. He walked over to speak to Ferris, Rupert Ferris, but made sure his voice was loud enough for everyone else to hear.

"Out of all the women in the world," he began dramatically. "Lily Evans is the only one I've ever loved..."

Sirius Black had never loved a woman before in his life, not even his own mother. The only people he really _did_ love were his friends, and Lily was the only female one among them, so what he said had been entirely true.

He stepped back from the desk to face the rest of the class, running long elegant fingers through equally long elegant hair. "Now," he said returning to that lazy confident drawl he generally employed. "If you'll forgive the dramatic prelude, it's time we moved on to the polarity of magical intent. Now obviously you are in this class, so you understand what that means," he said with sarcastic condescension.

To his surprise Rupert raised his hand, and didn't even wait to be called on before speaking. "It's what makes the Dark Arts dark," he answered. "Ancient magic tended to be either on one side or the other, while modern magic isn't as polarised. However, the darks arts lean more towards ancient sorcery, and those that fight against the dark arts stick with modern sorcery instead of the dark arts 'light' counterbalance. That is, the 'good' sorcery which is almost extinct. This is why the polarity is often overlooked, because nowadays we are only seeing one side of the spectrum. Most of the ancient 'good' magic has been lost."

"Terrifying, isn't it? But do go on, I'd like to hear more of what Lily had to say on the subject."

Rupert looked embarrassed and cleared his throat awkwardly. "No, it's alright. You go on, Professor."

"I shall, thank you. Now, as the wee one has pointed out, most of the ancient 'good' magic is lost so twe will be discussing some of the ancient 'dark' magic that is sadly still practiced today."

Sirius continued on with the lecture until someone raised their hand.

"Yes?"

"Why is ancient magic so... primeval? So crude? Why is blood and pain involved?"

"Well my dear, magic evolves just as technology does. Methods and equipment were more rudimentary because it was a more rudimentary time. As man became sophisticated, so did his magic. Although one must be said for their 'primeval' method. Ancient magic, because it is so raw and feeds off of powerful negative, perhaps even brutal approaches, it is to this day almost always more powerful than modern spells."

"But if dark magic is more powerful then how can we..." she trailed off.

An excellent question indeed; one to which not ever Sirius had the answer...

x

Lily was almost out of breath when she reached the hospital wing, she had flown there so quickly. Madame Pomfrey was tending to a boy who appeared to have copious amount of hair growing from his ears.

"Shouldn't you be in class Miss Evans?" Madame Pomfrey asked obligatorily.

"I have express permission from the professor to be here," she replied. She didn't think it was a lie. Even if it were Sirius would back her up on the story. "Where is he?"

Madame Pomfrey needn't ask to whom the girl referred; she simply waved her wand to the very back of the wing. All of the beds were empty save one, the curtains pulled around it. She couldn't see him but she knew he was there.

Madame Pomfrey joined her a moment later. "All his bones have already been re-knit and his flesh has been mended. He's lost a lot of blood, however, it may be a while before he regains his strength."

"How long has he been asleep?"

"I gave him his potion about..." she looked at her watch. "An hour and a half ago."

"So it will be a while before he wakes up?"

"At least another four hours."

"Alright, I'll be here if you need me."

x

James's dreams were dizzying, wild and unnerving. Induced by the painkilling potion and recent events, his subconscious let loose and played merry hell with his mind.

He was in the forest with Sirius and Fluffy, who was telling him just last week Izzy Fairbanks had been taken into Azkaban for wearing pyjamas in public.

Then he was in the Atrium of the ministry. Rookwood grabbed Lily by the hair and flung her aside. He heard her head crack against the wall and fall to the ground before Rookwood turned back to him. "Oh, James!" he said, the malice in his face mixing in with pleased spite. "You should have joined us. Pity about your father..."

Then Rookwood transformed _into_ his father, who started scolding him in front of his entire 7th year class, telling him to face his _own_ boggart instead of forcing it on children. Beads of sweat started streaming down his face as his father approached a chest that James was sure contained a boggart. He was just about to open it when suddenly it started wailing and shrieking, the something within scratching to get out. He noticed that the chest had chains and a great rusty padlock, and his father and students had somehow vanished. He was alone in the dungeons which were impossibly warm for a winter day, practically infernal. He yanked at his collar and wiped sweat from his brow as the chest's wailing grew louder and louder until he collapsed under the oppressing howling and heat.

...Something cool and refreshing moved across his brow and chest as he heard the gentle humming of a familiar tune.

"Lily?"

"It was just a dream, everything's fine."

x

She conjured a new cloth; the one she had been using was too soaked with sweat to be anymore good. She continued wiping away the perspiration that finally signalled the breaking of his fever. He opened his eyes and squinted at her. She handed him his glasses and he put them on, pushing himself painfully up to a sitting position.

"When did you get here?" he asked, throat dry and voice hoarse.

"Not long ago," she said handing him a glass. He pushed it away.

"No more potions," he said firmly. He didn't want any more dreams like that one.

"It's water, drink," she said offering the glass again. He took it this time and downed it quickly. Lily refilled it with water from her wand and James put it to his lips again, this time drinking it at a saner pace.

"Thank you."

"How are you feeling?"

"Alright. I've been better, but I'm alright."

"Well seeing as you are alright I would like to say something."

"Yes?"

"What the bloody hell were you thinking?!" she roared.

"What?"

"You infuriating hypocrite! What kind of fool goes off into forest like that right after telling someone else it's too dangerous? Did you think that you wouldn't get eaten because you are ministry certified, that being a trained auror automatically makes it not a stupid idea? I thought you had more sense than that James..." It felt nice not be the one in trouble, Lily thought. Madame Pomfrey looked on (though she pretended not to) with amused approval. Of course the healer by now already knew of James's true profession, it would be hard not to after he and several of his colleagues spent time in her wing with work related injuries. Seeing that Evans had the situation under control, Madame Pomfrey left her to it, ignoring the fact that she usually forbade people from yelling at her patients.

"I wasn't alone," he defended. "I had Sirius with me."

"Sirius? You _needed_ Hagrid! He's the only one who can relatively control his pets. Are you _sure_ you're ok?" she added, her voice falling from a bellow to a whisper fortified with concern.

"I'm fine," he replied.

"Good, because I'm going to yell at you some more. Not only did you do something idiotic, but you did it without me! It was my idea to start with. You said it was too dangerous for me to go as a doe, so what made it any different for you as a stag? Look at what happened to you! Why, WHY didn't you tell me and let me go with you?"

"Because I didn't want it to be you in this hospital bed. It's my turn, don't you agree?"

"Absolutely not! You know what a shock it was this morning to hear you were in the hospital wing? If you had at least told me what you were doing I would have been prepared. I didn't know anything. I was terrified!"

"Now you know how it feels," he said with a grin. He didn't feel like grinning though. If she cared for him even a fraction of what he felt for her it would be torment enough.

"And that cowardly stunt with the slumbering solution last night! Insulting in the extreme Potter, how dare you condescend to me like that. Putting the child to bed before you go out and get yourself shred to pieces."

"That's not how it was!"

"Wasn't it?"

"Well, I can see how in certain lights it could be construed that way but..."

"But what?"

"Can't we talk about that later? Or perhaps never? I have something important to say."

"You can't deny any of it. There's no defence for it."

"Lily..."

"You've been an inconsiderate lout and I..."

"Lily."

"Can't believe you didn't..."

"Lily!" he shouted. She momentarily ceased her tirade.

"What?"

"I know what happened to Hagrid..."


	36. The Last Midnight

To clear up some questions and concerns on the last chapter, Sirius does love Lily but he would never _romantically_ pursue her. Lily will be with James and only James. End of story. There will be no messy affairs in this fic. And even Sirius did fancy her, he would go his entire life without telling either of them, because that's just the kind of man he is. Anyway, it will never happen, so never fear. Or if you like that sort of thing, don't get your hopes up.

**Chapter 36: The Last Midnight **

"We have to tell him," Lily said after James had related the encounter with the three headed dog.

"And say what? 'I was just having a chat with Fluffy the other day and he told me the strangest thing...'"

"Come off it. We can't _not_ tell him. He has to know. We could be putting him in danger by keeping him in ignorance."

"We can have talk with Hagrid, tell him we suspect. Put it out there as a theory and have him take the necessary precautions. It's not the ideal plan, but it's the only option we have."

"And Dumbledore?"

"We can let Hagrid tell Dumbledore. Perhaps the headmaster can tell him what to do."

Madame Pomfrey felt slightly awkward as she 'knocked' at the curtain surrounding James's bed. No sound had come from it for nearly an hour and she assumed that they had put a silencing charm around it to ensure the privacy upon which she would now be intruding.

"Time to eat Potter, you need nourishment."

James looked at the plate Madame Pomfrey offered and wrinkled his nose in distaste. He took a tentative bite and thought Lily had described hospital food quite accurately when she compared it to Hippogriff droppings.

"Better run along to Charms, Evans," James said looking at his watch. Lunch time was ending now and lessons would begin soon. "Make sure to stop in the kitchens during your off to grab a bite." He hoped she would understand this to mean to bring him some edible food too.

Having reassured herself that he was alright, she left for Charms. She really shouldn't miss anymore classes. She had been missing so many these past few weeks.

Sirius was coming down the staircase just as she was ascending. James didn't have a class after lunch so she should have assumed Sirius would come to visit.

Sirius changed directions to walk with her to class. "How's the beau doing?" he asked, trying to mask his concern with a playful jab at her feelings. Lily ignored, or rather confirmed Sirius's brazen remark by replying.

"He's awake, doing well. I think he'd like to see you."

Sirius's face broke out into a relieved grin. "Thank Merlin for that. I don't know how much he told you, but it wasn't his fault Fluffy attacked. They were getting on rather well until he changed back into a human to pull out his wand. I think Fluffy must have mistaken him for a Death Eater. Hagrid is the only 'man' he really sees, it would have been natural for him to see a normal sized person in black robes and make the wrong conclusion. I don't think he trusts people... I sensed that much, you know, dog to dog."

"He told me; but thank you, Sirius." Lily was glad that Sirius had gone with him and had the sense enough to do what was needed. As James had said, they had been discussing what happened (even though it would be slightly wrong to call it discussing. Animal communication is so much different than human speech there are no real words to describe the process) when a shriek in the distance made him transform back into a human to grab his wand. Since Hagrid didn't use a wand (pink umbrellas didn't count) Fluffy associated it and the black robes with the only other humans he had encountered in the forest. Death Eaters. Knowing that Death eaters had hurt Hagrid Fluffy didn't exactly take to James's human form kindly. 'Torn to shreds' had been Sirius's dramatic interpretation. In reality, Fluffy had taken a (rather catlike) swipe, making several long gashes across his body as he was knocked to the other side of the clearing. Sirius had ran to James who was by now out of Fluffy's reach, transformed back, and took James immediately to the Hospital Wing. Lily had asked why hadn't they just remained at that safe distance the entire time, but James had replied that it was too far away for an exchange like that... like trying to shout at one another on opposite sides of a Quidditch pitch. It might with great effort be done, but it wasn't the best way. It was lucky that Fluffy was still a 'puppy'. Full grown, that blow could have meant a very sudden and very painful death. Instead it was just a very sudden and very painful injury.

"So what happens now?" Sirius asked.

"Immediately? I go to class. But we decided that a nice conversation with Hagrid will be the order of this evening. James can tell you more, I really have to go." They were lingering outside the door to the charms classroom. A few other late students hurried in (but not before stopping to stare at the pair of them, hoping to see who knows what.)

"Alright then. Kitchens this evening for dinner?" Sirius asked not waiting for their audience to leave. Lily gave the pair of girls a 'do you mind?' look and they scuttled into the classroom.

"I'll see you there," she answered before following suite.

x

"Alright there, Prongs?" Sirius asked casually after entering the Hospital Wing minutes later.

"In the pink, Padfoot! Never felt better, save a slight case of halitosis from this dung I'm being force fed."

"Excellent, excellent."

"How was class?"

"Outstanding as was to be expected. Did you discuss the lecture with Lily beforehand or is she just intuitive by nature?"

"I told her the topic, nothing more. Why, did she show you up?"

"She wasn't in class, mate. It was Ferris, Rupert Ferris who did the talking. He confessed after class that she had explained it to him the night before."

"She wasn't in class?"

"She didn't make it passed the doorway. She saw me, heard me explaining to the class you were in the Hospital Wing, and marched right back out again.

"When I woke she said she hadn't been there long." James had thought she had just stopped in during lunch.

"4 hours isn't _that_long, is it?" said Sirius as he inspected his nails tactfully, giving his friend a moment to hide the smile that automatically appeared on his face. When Sirius looked up a moment later James had his stupid grin mostly under control.

"And speaking of your better half, how are things going?" James shot Sirius a minor glare but answered anyway, choosing not to argue with the 'better half' comment.

"She yelled at me," he said. 'Come on girl, work with me a little,' thought Sirius. She wasn't supposed to yell at him she was supposed to be all teary eyed and concerned like she had with him in the hallway. That would have certainly moved Prongs to action. Apparently Evans wasn't a romantic, but his friend still seemed pleased at the memory. Sirius gave a mental shrug. 'Whatever boils his potion,' he thought.

James gave Sirius a rundown over the past week, seeing as how he hadn't mirrored. Strange, that. James had always been quick to pick up the mirror to discuss anything remotely problematic. In the past James would have mirrored right away after that terrible class with the Prophet and the boggarts, but he hadn't. He had talked to Lily instead. The thought was both cheering and disheartening.

"Pity Fluffy couldn't possibly have known their names. You know I think Hagrid's right about him, really a sweet tempered thing once you get to know him. I mean, he did protect Hagrid from those Death Eaters."

"Oh yes, a veritable cuddle bunny," said James gingerly feeling his side. "But I must say he makes one bloody good guard dog."

x

Lily was in the kitchens after Charms, trying to choose which of James's favourite food would be the easiest to smuggle into the hospital wing. She nibbled on a chicken leg as she waited for his food to be prepared, then discarded the moment James's food was ready. She wanted to get it to him as soon as possible and her mother had taught her not to walk and eat at the same time (for only animals graze). A silly old fashioned rule, but like many rules when ingrained into one when too young to protest, it had stuck.

"Oh, Miss Evans I'm glad you are here," said Madame Pomfrey the moment Lily entered the Hospital Wing (with a small basket of food concealed behind her back.) "I need to run to the greenhouses to have a quick word with Professor Sprout. Would you mind the Wing while I'm gone? It shouldn't be long."

"Certainly."

"If anything too serious arises you know where to find me," she said as she hurried out the door.

"Well that was lucky. Now you don't have to worry about sneaking bites while her back is turned like I had to," she said producing his lunch.

"Wonderful, excellent, genius girl," said James digging in happily to this miniature banquet of real food.

Lily wondered just how tender his wounds were. She was sorely tempted to give _him_ an 'I'm glad you're not dead' hug, but she didn't want to risk hurting him.

Madame Pomfrey returned later (after the incriminating evidence of outside food had been disposed of) and gave Lily a rundown on how James was to be cared for.

"His bandages ought not come off until Friday at the earliest. Until then they will need to be replaced and rewrapped daily. Make sure to start from the bottom one and work your way up. Here, I'll show you how," said Madame Pomfrey, unbuttoning James's pyjama shirt and making him hold his arms out away from his body like a scarecrow. "What are you grinning about, Potter?" she asked coldly.

"I was just wondering why you are telling _her_all this instead of me," he remarked amusedly.

"Then I will know it will be done properly. Miss Evans has shown an interest and an aptitude for healing." That and she thought he would be rather reluctant to come back to the hospital wing every time he needed his bandages replaced or rewrapped. She knew he would be more willing to stick with it if Miss Evans were doing it, rather than giving up and tossing them into the bin the next day.

So James sat there, arms out while Madame Pomfrey undressed and redressed his wounds to show Lily, who then tried to copy what she had been taught. He couldn't help but think that while Madame Pomfrey's hands were quicker and more efficient, Lily's were warmer, softer, and gentler. He'd take the latter any day.

x

Lily went to the kitchens for dinner, as she had promised Sirius. He was waiting patiently when she arrived, sipping at a glass of wine.

"There you are, cariad. I was beginning to think I had been stood up."

"No you weren't. You knew I'd come. You were just trying to make me feel guilty for being late."

Sirius let out a bark of laughter. "Can't get anything past you, can I?"

"I should hope not. I don't like the idea at all of being susceptible to the antics of the likes of you." It had the potential to be a cruel appraisal, but the way she had said it made it sound as if were the highest praise. Sirius grinned at the compliment.

"And just what are the likes of me?"

"Ooh... fishing for compliments now are we?"

"Be a dear and humour me."

"You are the type of man whose character is so captivating, looks so entrancing, and charisma so addicting you could, no, would, no, probably _does _successfully woo any woman he wants."

"Oh, don't stop there, you're doing splendidly," he encouraged.

"Very well, you can control and manipulate just about anyone to do just about anything you want."

"Mmhmm..."

"And that is your truest strength."

"Yes, yes..."

"And your greatest weakness."

"What? Lily you've strayed from the point of the exercise."

"Well it needed to be said. It's much better when you don't charm people into doing what you want, but that they do it out truly wanting to help you."

"What's the difference?"

"Someone who does something just so you will like them isn't a safe a resource as someone who will consistently help you because they care."

"Lots of people care about me. I get letters every week from women declaring their love for me."

"What good is that love to either you or them? If it really is love, which I doubt. It's just an infatuation, an obsession that will soon pass. In a pinch, you'd rather have someone who really cared at your side. Someone you really cared for."

"Merlin Evans you know how to turn a decent conversation soppy in the turn of a phrase. An excellent talent I'm sure, but unnerving for your more sensitive conversational partners like me."

"Forgive me Sirius, shall I tell a lewd joke to make you feel better?"

"No it's alright. Let's just change the topic, shall we?"

"Very well. I got an owl from Moody Saturday."

"And what does ol' Mad Eye have to say?"

"John's trial has been put off indefinitely as has the trial for his parents."

"Good."

"But if their trial is put off who knows how many others' have too."

"What's your point?"

"It's not fair, prisoners being sent to Azkaban without a trial..."

"Who cares? I say let the vermin stew in their own filth."

"You wouldn't be saying that if it were you."

"Well, it _isn't_ me, now is it?

"You selfish brute. Have a care for decency and justice!"

"I can't. It would go against all my principles, given that I had any. Rather, say it would go against all my _lack_ of principles."

"If you didn't have principles then why did you want to be an auror?"

Sirius thought that there was a definite draw back to not being able to get anything past her. "I might have at one time I suppose," he said through gritted teeth.

"If that's the way you feel then I regret inviting you into the order. One unprincipled or weak player could be a dangerous liability for everyone."

"You can be rather infuriating sometimes, you know that?"

"Because I don't always tell you what you want to hear. Why not just admit that you have principles, strong ones, good ones, ones to be proud of? You don't have to be ashamed of them unless you are too cowardly to do anything about them, but we both know that's not the case..." she paused for a moment to look down at her shoes. She seemed embarrassed all of a sudden. Perhaps she felt (rightly) that she had annoyed Sirius with her rant. "But if you do want to continue hiding your goodness, then your secret will be safe with me."

Sirius put a hand on top of her head.

"Deal." Lily looked up at him, causing Sirius's hand to slide forward messing up her way in a cute childish fashion.

"You know what's surprising? I was actually pleased to hear you say that. I know it's silly, but I feel like I have you all to myself in a way."

"Well cariad, _in a way_ you do."

Lily smiled bashfully.

"You are too cute," he drawled, rumpling her hair, messing it up even more. He decided that making the girl blush was good fun. He simply couldn't help but add, "And I'm sure Prongs thinks so too."

Success. Utterly adorable, predictable success. "Sirius, we've been through this..." she said, her cheeks a charming shade of pink.

"So we have, cariad. But things change. Don't deny that you hope they do."

"You've had too much wine," she accused, trying to explain away his brazen statements by drunkenness.

"What? You are allowed to probe and prod my character and make me uncomfortable but you won't let me do the same? Not very sportsmanlike, is it?"

"Just don't say anything like that to James, please?"

"I wouldn't _dream_ of it."

"I'm not joking Sirius, breathe one word and I'll..."

"Yes, yes, alright, fine. Spoil both our fun. You act as if you didn't _want_ to get together with him."

"Sirius!" she said, sounding scandalised.

"What? You wouldn't be the first..."

"I need some more wine," Lily said shaking her head.

"Don't worry, cariad. I'll keep your secret. It's like in a way I have you all to myself..." he said in a musical tone that didn't at all match his usual drawl. Lily knew that that must have been his impersonation of her own voice.

"Sod off, Black," she said forcing herself not to smile.

x

That evening Lily waited at the main doors for Hagrid (she had sent Ebony to him earlier saying that James wouldn't be coming). It took a lot of restraint not to tell him everything right then, but she endured. She would wait for James and tell him at midnight as they had planned. It was no use trying to get James out of the Hospital Wing before Madame Pomfrey went to bed, so midnight was their best option. Although Lily didn't exactly _like_ the idea of James being out of bed when shouldn't be, she knew she had no right to complain, because he would throw it right back in her face if she did.

"So how are the thestrals doing, Hagrid?" she asked trying to make idle conversation.

"Getting better. Most of them are well recovered. But I seem to be missing a few."

"Missing a few?" she asked nervously.

"Yeh, missing four of 'em. Don't know what could have happened to them," said Hagrid, equally worried but for different reasons.

"That's... not good," she said, wishing James was with her now. She took comfort in stroking Mercury's silver coat. _Silver_. She'd have to let go of him soon, but how could she do that? How could she shove him out into the forest on his own when she knew what evil could befall him there? How could _any_ parent let their child out of their sight in a time like this?

"It's not like 'em to run away, they are very loyal creatures, and Hogwarts is one of the few places they can live safely. Most people don't like them see, don't want 'em around."

Lily **forced **herself not to say it. She **would not** say anything.

"I don't mean to change the topic, Hagrid," she lied, for that was _precisely_ what she meant to do. "But how long before we have to let Mercury go?"

"Oh, I suppose he could go _now_ if he wanted."

"Mercury?" she asked, consulting the unicorn himself on what he preferred to do. In reply he simply leapt over the fence of his pen and ran into the forest without a whinny or a throw of his head goodbye. Gone. Lily felt like crying but forbore. She sniffed, keeping the tears firmly in her eyes, not blinking, not allowing them to fall.

Suddenly the unicorn reappeared, jumping right back into his pen. She couldn't help it. Lily blinked in surprise, and consequently squeezed the tears out of her eyes and to let fall down her cheek. She wrapped her arms around him squeezing him tightly. She didn't have to be a doe to understand what he meant. He might leave, but he would come back.

"Alright, boy. I'll come visit you often, but you have to _promise_ me you'll stay safe," she said, knowing that it was an impossible thing to ask of anyone. Mercury shook his head upward and snorted. "I'll be back at midnight," she told him, patting his neck.

Hagrid walked her back to the castle with the assurances he would stay up to meet them later. She said goodbye and went inside, making her way back to the Hospital Wing, wiping away the last of the tears.

"You've been crying," James stated abruptly upon seeing her.

"Well deduced," she said sarcastically. She had meant to have stopped crying before she entered the hospital wing, but she hadn't had the chance to check her face in the mirror. She probably looked ghastly. James looked at the healer and lifted his eyebrows. Madame Pomfrey took that as her cue to exit, so she did.

"What is it?" he said, putting more feeling into his voice this time.

"It's nothing, really."

Potter cleared his throat meaningfully. "I seem to recall you making a promise some nights ago... What did that entail again? The details escape me," he said, clearly indicating that he remembered _quite well_ the details, and that she was flouting her promise. She sighed, defeated and sat down on the bed next to him.

"It will sound so silly now, but tonight is my last night feeding Mercury and for a moment, he I thought he had left and wasn't coming back..." The damned tears were threatening to make a reappearance. "You saw what happened to his parents, James!"

"I know."

Not much else could be said on the subject, and the very little that could wasn't worth saying so she changed the topic.

"Four thestrals have mysteriously gone missing," she said intently.

"Oh great..." James said sounding forlorn. "Tonight is going to go _really_ well..." he said sarcastically.

x

"Hagrid, there was actually something we wanted to discuss with you," James began cautiously.

"What?"

"You know Hagrid, the Dark Lord in continuing to amass his army, and is always looking for powerful and intimidating weapons?" said Lily.

"O'course."

"And magical beasts as well?" added James

"That's why Dumbledore wanted us to warn the centaurs in the forest," he replied nodding.

"Well, what if..." Lily began, but didn't want to be the first one to say it.

"We think that the Dark Lord or his followers have an interest in your... erm... pets."

"Why?"

"We just said. You know who is building an army, with a legion of dark and powerful creatures with which he can frighten, intimidate and coerce. And well, Hagrid you are pretty famous for your assortment of fantastic beasts."

"No, you aren't saying that You-Know-Who is after..."

"That's exactly what we're saying," said Lily. Then, she added softly, almost embarrassed for Hagrid for saying this in front of James, "Don't forget, Hagrid. There are still lots of people out there, death eaters and non death eaters alike, who believe that _you_were responsible for that tragedy in your second year. That you own and control a monster that kills muggleborns..." Being both muggleborn herself, and being a friend of Hagrid, this thought made her shake with suppressed rage and wretchedness.

"You think... they may be after me for that?"

"Come on Hagrid, would it be that surprising? Thestrals, Acromantula, Fluffy, Blast Ended Skrewts and countless others! It seems like you have an entire hoard of dark creatures at your disposal. For someone who wants to form a terrifying legion of intimidating beasts, your collection would be very tempting."

"They aren't dark creatures!" he defended.

"Of course we know that, Hagrid, but that's not the point. Surely you must see how attractive you are to the dark lord's purposes. Why he would want you on his side."

"I'll never..."

"We know you'd never go willingly, but there are other ways. Or perhaps he would just leave you and take the animals. Like Fluffy or... or the _thestrals_..."

Hagrid put together what they were trying to say.

"You think they were actually after Fluffy that night."

"We do," said James firmly.

"And they took the thestrals and are after all the others." Hagrid's voice was deep and set.

"Yes," Lily uttered consolingly.

It was silent for several awkward moments before Hagrid let out a roar of frustration that would have done his full sized relatives justice, and thundered off into the forest alone. Mercury, frightened by the terrifying sound ran away in the opposite direction, both unicorn and giant lost to them in the forest... alone.

Lily stood to go after one of them, she didn't know which, but James put a hand on her shoulder and shook his head.

"But..."she pleaded.

"No... just let him go. He's probably gone off to check on every single creature in the forest."

"But James, that's how he was hurt last time!"

"I don't think anything could stop him now..." James said heavily.

That was not how he wanted their last midnight to go...

Lily stood there, staring into the dark depths of the forest, looking for any sign of silver coat or giant height, but she saw nothing but stillness and silence. Strange for the Dark Forest, it was always moving or making eerie sounds. The quiet disturbed her. Her terrible imagination told her it was because everything had hidden, because they knew something terribly evil was out there.

"Come on," James said putting an arm around her shoulders and steering her away.

They walked that way silently back to the castle and up the steps to Lily's room. James didn't ignite a fire in the fireplace. They simply crossed the common room and entered the other.


	37. Puzzles, Poetry, and the Full Moon

**Chapter 37: ****Puzzles, Poetry and the Full Moon**

James shut the wooden door behind them and Lily went straight to the window, looking out over the forest. The waxing moon shed enough light that Lily could see nearly perfectly out onto the grounds, but not even the sun could penetrate the depths of the Dark Forest so how could the moon be expected to?

Still, she couldn't keep her eyes off the tops of those trees and the edge of the woods, couldn't stop hoping that they would both come out together. She heard James's footsteps approach and stop behind her as he looked over her shoulder out the window too. 'If he were Sirius, he would wrap his arms around me, and I would be enveloped in that warmth,' she thought. But James wasn't Sirius, nor did she wish him to be.

She didn't realise how freezing it was in the room until she saw James's breath out of the corner of her eye, puffing out like a mist in regular intervals. Now that she was paying attention she could hear his teeth chattering as well. Silently she charmed him warmth using thermilicorpus. His breath was of course still visible but she knew that at least he wasn't feeling the cold now. Lily didn't feel cold, she felt numb.

"Did you do that?" James asked.

"Yes."

"I thought you needed to be able to see to do it."

"I knew well enough where you were," she replied. It was true, she _did_ need eye contact in order to perform magic, whether she had a wand or not. It was one of the fundamentals of spell casting. Summoning charms where the exception to the rule, but they only worked unless one _knew_ that the object you wished to summon existed, and had a relatively good idea where it was located. Lily could only assume that this was the case for her. She _knew_. She could _feel_ exactly where he was, visible or invisible because he anchored all her other senses.

"Thank you. Aren't you...?" he started to ask but she shook her head.

"But you're shivering."

She wasn't shivering she was shaking, and it wasn't from the cold, nor was it from being so close to James. It was because no matter how long she kept looking out the window, the two beloved figures didn't reappear. It wasn't that she felt they were in danger, she did but that wasn't what was principally bothering her. Hagrid had been upset, and Mercury frightened when they both flew into the forest, and Lily couldn't do anything to comfort either of them. They were suffering all on their own and no one should have to do that.

_She_ wasn't alone, she suddenly remembered. Strange, she knew James was there beside her and yet it didn't feel like anyone else was there. Perhaps it was because she had grown so accustomed to having James around she felt as if she still had privacy even when he was around.

x

James shut the window and drew the curtain over it so as to stop Lily from staring out of it the whole evening. Lily finally turned around.

"Why not go to bed?" he asked.

"I can't sleep with both of them out there." James knew that was true enough. How many times had he heard his mother complain when he came in late during the summer holidays, that she couldn't sleep because she stayed up worrying.

"Hagrid is used to the forest, and it's where Mercury belongs. They will be fine..." he tried to reassure her. "Besides, there is nothing you can do for them now." He hated telling her that, but it was true.

x

Lily's stomach twisted painfully. There _wasn't_ anything she could do for the two she loved. That was the worst kind of helplessness one can ever experience. Knowing someone is suffering and not being able to do anything to help them. Much worse than suffering yourself.

"Shower," she said quickly, and disappeared into the bathroom. She turned on the water full force to drown out the sound of her being sick in the toilet.

Her stomach felt settled once it was emptied and she got into the shower. She stayed there for a long time thinking everything through to no effect. 'You can't plough a field by turning the soil over in your mind.' Thinking about things did no good, only actions. But there were no actions she could take, and thinking about them was unavoidable. The hot water practically burning her skin and when she stepped out steam was rose from her body. She dried off and dressed in the pyjamas that she had discarded there that morning but stayed in the bathroom, surrounded by the steamy warmth. She didn't want to leave because she knew it would be freezing in her bedroom.

But she couldn't very well stay in the bathroom all night either...

As she expected, the cold air stung when it came into contact with her skin and she made a dash for her bed, diving under the covers.

"Ooph," James groaned half asleep.

"Sorry," she whispered. She hadn't expected him to be there, if she had she would have been more careful, she didn't want to reopen any of those wounds. "Did I hurt anything?"

"Hmm mm." Had that been a yes, or no? Such an ambiguous sound when mumbled sleepily. 'Well,' she reasoned, 'if he's nearly asleep he couldn't be in that much pain.' She wiggled around until she found a comfortable position and tried to sleep. She had never counted sheep before, but she imagined that if it worked as well as counting James Potter's breaths it couldn't be that ineffective.

James was gone when she awoke to the sound of her alarm clock at 8 o'clock. She stared at it for a moment. It should have gone off 2 hours earlier for dawn. Had James changed it?

She skipped breakfast and went to Hagrid's to see if he was there. When he didn't answer the door her heart sank. She could only hope he had returned home in the night and was now already awake and starting the day's work. She waited until the last possible moment before she left for Potions. Slughorn didn't seem _as_ warm to her today, but she thought that was only to be expected when she had skipped several of his classes. Without Lily that made _five_ students missing from the original roster. Lily and four Slytherins...

x

James dreamt that Dumbledore had been telling him to get out of bed, they had things to discuss. The headmaster was drawing back the curtains when James woke up. For a wild moment, James thought that his dream had been real, and quickly withdrew his arm from Lily's side of the bed, trying to think of how to explain everything.

His breathing slowly returned to normal when he realised that Dumbledore was, in fact, _not_ there and James eyed his left arm with suspicion. Sneaky little thing, it had taken advantage of both he and Lily being asleep to do whatever it wanted.

He squinted at the clock, but without his glasses he couldn't see the time. Putting them on hadn't helped much, it was still too dark, so he carefully reached over Lily and lifted it off the stand. 5:40, it read. He needed to make it back o the Hospital Wing before Madame Pomfrey awoke, so after making a tiny adjustment to the clock he eased out of bed taking one of the pillows with him.

It was an hour and a half later when Madame Pomfrey rose to check on him. Being the only patient she had to worry about, she was more 'attentive' than she would have been had she more people to worry about. Wishing that someone would fall down the stairs and break something already, he silently put up with her. He hoped that boredom and lack of anyone else to attend to wouldn't make her want to keep him there. He had classes to teach.

"Poppy dear," he began in his most charming of voices. "You know how much I'd love to stay with you all day, but I can't stop thinking of those poor children who depend on me to mould their minds, prepare them to protect themselves. In short, whose well being I am ultimately responsible for. Of course you tend to the care of the body, the mind is something that equally deserves to be nourished."

"I was about to discharge you anyway, Potter. No need for florid speeches," she said handing a stack of fresh bandages to change into when he needed them.

James took them and rose from his bed giving her a roguish smile. "Don't deny it, Poppy, you enjoyed it as much as I did."

She made a consternated "och" sound and shooed him out of the wing. Chuckling to himself he skipped off (in a very manly way.)

First thing's first. He needed to get out of these ridiculous pyjamas which were concealed under his cloak, and change into proper robes quickly so he would have time for the second thing on the list, breakfast.

Lily wasn't in the Great Hall, but she might have already been or eaten in the kitchens. He would ambush her right before lunch when she was being let out of History of Magic. _Her favourite class she says_, he thought sardonically.

It was a pity their schedules seemed to clash. He had an off before lunch, and hers was after when he had 5th years.

That morning he had first years, the class that wound him up the most. They were all so small, so young, so innocent. They could hardly be prepared to learn about dark arts. Their eyes were so wide, their faces so responsive to anything and everything he said that every word he spoke he had to choose with the utmost care. It was alright for Lily to rant about not being treated like a child, but these _were_ children. Far too young to face the true terrors of the world. He never knew what he should tell them and what he should leave out, so he drew mainly from the textbook to form his lectures, and didn't reference anything that was above third year level, i.e., the unforgivables. (Which was a sore spot at anytime for him...)

x

The monotony of History of Magic was broken when a tapping came from the window. Lily smiled as she saw Sirius's owl, a bird that resembled Ebony in many ways. She let him in and took the note.

_Pet peeve of the day... When people say "literally" when using a figure of speech. Ex. "She was literally bawling her eyes out..." No she wasn't, her eyes are still in their sockets, you twit!_

_SB_

Lily chuckled as she read the missive, and then tucked it into a page of her textbook. She'd reply later when she didn't have three curious girls leaning over their table to try to read everything she wrote.

She was leaving History of Magic when she felt a familiar _SNAP_ on her rump and jumped in surprise. She wheeled around to see James. He strode past her casually, not evening looking at her, as if he were oblivious or indifferent to her presence entirely, the same way he was passing every other student in the corridor.

Alright, so she was to follow him. She did so (at a distance) up to his classroom. By the time she entered he was gone, so she went into his office. Still he wasn't there, so she muttered _Godric's Pride_ and went into his room. Lily was baffled this time when she didn't see him. She had _thought_ he came into this classroom. Might he have entered a

neighbouring one instead? But whatever for? Brows furrowed in confusion she was about to leave when she heard James's voice call out from the bathroom, the place Lily hadn't thought to check.

"Oi Evans!"

"What do you want, Potter?" she hollered back.

"Stick around, I'll need you to redo my bandages in a bit."

"You're telling me you mean to rob me of my lunch so that you can..." she was cut off at the appearance of James sticking his head through the crack in the door so she could see nothing but his face.

"Come on Evans, I haven't showered in over 24 hours and this is the only time I could grab you before people start dropping dead from the stench. Besides, you can go to the kitchens afterwards, seeing as you don't have class."

"You _could_ go to Madame Pomfrey."

"Yes, and if I go down to the wing I'll end up stuck there for twice as long while she inspects, prods and does a variety of other unpleasant things. Just sit tight for five minutes. Please?"

"Oh alright," she said plopping down at the foot of the bed, crossing her arms and legs.

"That's my girl," he said, flashing a white toothy smile before the door shut again. Lily grinned and shook her head. She didn't mind, really. She just didn't want him to get in the habit of coming to her all the time, assuming she will drop anything to help him. Then she thought embarrassedly, perhaps she _did_.

Lost in her own day dreams along lines she dared not share with anyone, the object of them appeared out of the bathroom in nothing but his trousers... almost as if he had walked directly out of her imagination. Almost, in her mind's eye he didn't have 3 great gashes across his middle. She had seen them the day before, but that didn't stop her from taking a shuddering breath when she saw them again.

"It was much worse Sunday night," he said, reading her face aright.

He had left his hair dripping again and she watched the progression of a fallen droplet. Off his shoulder, down his chest, along his abs and vanishing beneath the waist line of his trousers. 'First the pillows, now the drops of water... it seems like everyone has it better than I do,' she thought as she whipped out her wand.

Once his hair was dry she set about re-bandaging him. She had to focus extremely hard to keep other distracting thoughts from her mind as she bandaged and wrapped. She moved onto the second one, which was much darker and wider.

"How deep did that one go?" she asked, touching it softly.

x

He had unconsciously tightened his muscles as she looked him up and down, inspecting the damage. A pleasant shiver shot up his spine when she traced his wound with her fingertips.

"Down to the muscle," he replied. Lily drew her hand away quickly, looking fearful. James smiled and took her hand back.

"It's alright you can touch it. It doesn't hurt anymore," he said, placing her hand back on it. She didn't touch the actual gash, but put middle and forefinger on either side, following it across his abdomen. "Sirius said he was afraid bits of me would start falling out," he said chuckling.

"That's hardly funny," she reprimanded starting to cover it again with fresh gauze.

James shrugged and held his arms out again, and then after another second put them on her shoulders. She looked to his hands then up to him, eyes questioning.

"Tired of holding my arms out," he explained simply. "I could put them on your head it you'd rather."

Lily shrugged. "Whatever is more comfortable for you," she replied, starting on the final slash, the least severe of the three. When she finished securing the last bandage in place he had somehow forgotten to remove his hands from her shoulders.

Their eyes met, and for a moment James thought he saw something incredibly promising in the midst of all that swirling green. He had just made up his mind to lean in and go for it when she quickly broke eye contact and stepped away.

Alright so Lily was clearly not open to suggestion at this stage in their relationship, he thought. It was just as well. He knew better and wondered what on earth had possessed him to try. Ah yes, that intensity of green.

Had he just ruined something? Did she realise what he had been about to do and pulled away out of fear? He sincerely hoped not, and it wasn't as if he could ask her.

x

'Kiss me,' she willed him with her eyes. They had been standing like that for a full torturous minute just staring (and on her part) hoping. 'I would give anything to have you just kiss me.' But of course he wouldn't, it was silly to hope. Suddenly remembering what James had said about being able to read her thoughts through her eyes she turned away quickly and stepped back from him. 'Calm down girl,' she commanded herself. 'You are making a fool of yourself again, waiting around for things that simply won't happen. He was just resting his arms; don't let your wild imagination twist it into anything it's not.'

It had been rather close. Another second there and she would have leaned in to do it herself, and _then_ things would be incredibly awkward, if they weren't already...

x

James made a valiant attempt to save the situation, trying to prove to her that he _wasn't_ a pervert and that he _did_ respect her.

"Thanks, Evans. You are probably one of the few people I know who is always willing to do anything to help their friends," he said indicating he freshly re-bandaged torso.

x

Ouch, that word again. Friend. He had said it on purpose too. He _had_ seen what she was thinking and was setting her straight. How humiliating. She sighed with regret, supposing he wouldn't be spending any more nights at her place now.

x

'She won't want me sleep at hers anymore,' he thought lugubriously. 'She'll be afraid I'll take advantage of her in her sleep.' He was angry with himself, or rather, with his traitorous arm that made that fear not as unfounded as he wished it to be.

"You have class soon, so I'll just go," she said quickly as she took a few backward steps towards the door. Retreating.

"Right... I'll just er... see you later," he replied. She nodded awkwardly and left, leaving James yearning for serious head trauma by means of a large blunt object. He had definitely made her uncomfortable. She had practically _flown_ from the room at the first possible opportunity.

"Dunder. Head. Dunder. Head," he said, banging the aforementioned body part on the wooden bed pole.

He went back to the bathroom to grab his robes, and fumbled through the pockets until he found what he was looking for. The small pouch with the small stags dangling at the end of the drawstrings that Lily had given him last Saturday. He opened it and withdrew the mirror. Unsure whether he really wanted to do it or not, he sighed, saying Sirius's name.

"Hullo Prongs," said Sirius imitating James's unenthusiastic sigh but James didn't catch this cheerful baiting.

"What's wrong?"

"With me? Nothing. I'm a peach. How are Fluffy's love scratches healing?"

"Love scratches?" James repeated dubiously.

"He is a kind and gentle creature..."

"He maimed me."

"But I'm sure he meant it in a loving way."

"I'll lovingly maim _you_. See how well you like then."

"So did you talk to Hagrid?"

"We did."

"And?"

"He didn't take it well at all."

"Couldn't be expected to," Sirius said sincerely. "What happened?"

"He stormed off into the forest."

"Poor chap."

"Haven't seen him since, Lily was..." he stopped his thought mid sentence and strode to the window to look out it. Sure enough, Lily was crossing the lawn to Hagrid's place. If she told Hagrid what had happened that afternoon, he could say goodbye to the majority of his more precious limbs. In the heat of the moment Hagrid had thrown him into a tree. He shuddered to think what else the half giant could come up with if given more time to think about it.

"Was what?" Sirius asked.

James shook his head, trying to rid the horrible images of his arms being pulled out of their sockets. "Sorry?"

"You said that you haven't seen Hagrid since, and that Lily was..."

"Oh, upset. That was the last time feeding Mercury and he ran away in fear at Hagrid's outburst. I don't think she could handle both of them leaving her at once."

"But _you_ didn't leave her, did you?"

"Of course not!" he replied instantly, realising far too late that that had been another one of Sirius's playful insinuating jabs. He sighed. "Seriously, mate. Stop it."

"What? I'm sure she is entirely grateful to keep you around."

"I wouldn't be so sure after today."

"Why not?"

"I erm... might have done something... ill advised."

"What did you do..."

"Nothing! That is... I didn't do _anything_ necessarily reprehensible. I'm just afraid that she might have interpreted something the wrong way and been scared off."

"What was it that you said?"

"Well I didn't _say_ anything, it was more of um..."

"Ah..." said Sirius nodding sagely.

"Don't you 'ah' me. It was nothing!"

"And I suppose it was 'nothing' that scared her?"

"Well, she _is_ afraid of 'nothing' but no. Like I said it was a misunderstanding."

"Well she's a reasonable girl. Just tell her it was a misunderstanding."

"Easier said than done..."

"It was that bad, eh? Must have been _quite_ a misunderstanding."

"The worst one in recent memory."

"That's saying something. Remember last Sunday when you accidentally walked into the women's toilets and they started beating you with their handbags?"

"No, actually. In fact most of that night escapes me."

"Oh well. But I'd say it ranks pretty high up there on the list. Oh! Don't forget last March..."

"Thanks, Padfoot," he said dryly.

"Anything I can do to help."

"You really are too kind," he said sarcastically. "And as much as I would enjoy the benefits of your continued 'kindness' I really have to get dressed and teach a class."

"What are you doing undressed in the middle of the da..." Sirius stopped and a large grin spread across his face. "I say that _is_ worse than walking in the ladies' room."

"Shut it Sirius. Control your lewd imagination. I have to go."

"Yes, you need to get dressed. Wouldn't want any _more_ misunderstandings on our hands now would we?"

x

Lily was indescribably relieved when Hagrid answered the door towards the end of the lunch break.

"Come on in," he said morosely. "We'll make a spot of tea."

"How are you? How is everyone?" she asked, referring to the magical creatures to whom (to which?) he was attached.

"3 missing, not including the thestrals," he reported sadly.

"I think you should talk to the centaurs again, Hagrid. See if they've noticed anything, and if they haven't to tell them what has happened. This will open their eyes if nothing else has."

"I meant to last night but couldn't find'em."

"And did you see Mercury?" she asked quietly.

Hagrid shook his head. "No."

"Oh..." she said lifting the enormous teacup to her lips to hide her disappointed face. "You should tell Dumbledore what you've noticed, Hagrid. It's important he know."

"Was on my way to see him when hey called over, 'smatter of fact."

"Why don't we go see him now?" She was desperate for some kind of resolution, or at least some fresh ideas on the matter.

In his office, Dumbledore sat and listened patiently as Hagrid explained. Lily kept silent; she wanted it to appear as if it had been entirely Hagrid who had realised this and had drawn his own conclusions. It may have been her imagination but she caught Dumbledore's eyes flicker to her every now and again.

Once Hagrid had said all he had to the three of them sat in sombre silence. After a moment Dumbledore rose ponderously from his chair and crossed the room.

"Thank you, Hagrid, for your troubles," he said putting his wand tip to his temple, extracting a memory. He placed it in the pensieve, which was already out of the table. He had apparently already been perusing his thoughts that day. He stirred them with his wand, studying the images as he spoke, almost as if to himself. "One hopes that with each new piece of the puzzle one comes closer to solving it. But, alas, it also may be that that piece makes you realise that the puzzle is ever larger than you anticipated."

He didn't look up at them; he was lost in his thoughts. Lily tugged at Hagrid's sleeve and they silently left Dumbledore's office together.

She had hoped Dumbledore would have had some advice, some plan of action or at least words of comfort for Hagrid but as he said, he had nothing but more questions. Questions to which neither Lily, nor Hagrid, (or _anyone _else) had the answers.

Hagrid returned to the grounds and Lily withdrew to her common room. She hooted to Ebony, who was perched obediently by the window. The small black owl floated gracefully over to her and Lily stroked the bird's feathers as she composed a letter to Sirius.

Unable to actually say anything herself, she simply recalled a poem.

_**If There Be Sorrow**_

_If there be sorrow_

_Let it be_

_for things undone..._

_undreamed_

_unrealized_

_unattained_

_to those add one:_

_Love withheld..._

_... restrained_

_Mari Evans (no relation)_

She sent it along but there came no reply. Sirius must be at some distance from Hogwarts. Probably London.

x

It was nearing dusk when James walked into Lily's common room as he usually did. It wasn't until he saw Lily in her pyjamas, kneeling on the floor by the fireplace in front of a cauldron that he remembered that they weren't going to Hagrid's anymore. She looked up at him, curiously.

"James." He couldn't tell if that had been a statement or a question.

"Oh, I... erm... don't exactly know why I'm here. Habit I suppose. Sorry, I'll just..." he said backing away as he pointed his thumb towards the door.

x

"You don't have to go," Lily said, sounding rather more desperate than she had intended.

"Really?" She was the one who had made a fool of herself, why was _he _acting like he had been in the wrong?

"You were always saying how my common room is better than your office. Your place is still there if you want to use it... that is if you don't mind my brewing."

"What are you making?" he asked, but the thought he might know by the ingredients she had laid out.

"Erm... a slumbering solution, actually. I thought I might need it."

"Why not leave it," he suggested earnestly. "Believe me, no one is more proud of you to see you taking the initiative to getting the rest you need more than me, but I'd be even gladder to see you stop relying on potions altogether. They can become addicting, as you know."

"Are you saying I have a problem?"

"Not a problem, _per se_. More of a... a bad habit."

"Alright..." she said. He had a fair point and it was fruitless to argue. She wouldn't have argued if he _had _said she had a problem. She had been expecting him to and she was ready to agree with him. But he called it a bad habit, which made it seem better. Easier to break. Everyone has bad habits, not everyone has addiction problems.

She had only been preparing the ingredients, so she simply cleared them away and replaced her cauldron. James beamed at her proudly as he took his seat, summoning his things.

They had done this countless times before, but this time was somehow... _different_. This time they hadn't even the feeblest excuse/ reason for being there other than that they simply enjoyed each other's company. A terrifying and thrilling thought for both of them. It was ridiculous, they both knew, because they were already aware of that fact, but this little change made all the difference. It was an admission to the other that they wanted to continue even though they didn't have to. After an hour of working they got sidetracked by... well.. themselves and began talking about nothing and everything as one general does when avoiding work.

"Are you kidding? I'm getting paid two full time salaries for doing the exact same job, _and_ my living and food expenses are already covered. The gold is simply accumulating because I'm not spending a knut on anything... save you."

"Me?"

"The only times I've spent any gold has been the knight bus fare, our drinks in the 3 broomsticks, and Ebony."

"That's it?"

"Well... I had a _few_ drinks the other night with Sirius, and I might purchase a Honeydukes sweet now and again, but you eat half of those anyway so..."

"You make it sound as if I'm some kind of moocher. You are always chucking them at me..."

"I know. It's fun to watch you flinch. Sometimes you catch it, something you just let it hit you, but it's best when you flinch."

"What?"

James reached into his pocket and wound his arm back, as if preparing to throw something a very long way. He slung it forward with all of his force and Lily squeaked and curled up into a little ball.

When Lily didn't feel the harsh sting of a flying missile she peaked out behind her arms that were protecting her head. James laughed and opened his palm to reveal absolutely nothing. So she reached out and slapped it, calling him a brute.

"How can you call me a brute when you are the only one of us resorting to physical violence?"

She was saved the trouble of answering by Ebony, who was pecking at the window. Lily crossed the room and opened it, giving her bird a pat and opening Sirius's reply.

_To the Virgins to Make Much of Time_

_Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,_

_Old Time is still a-flying;_

_And this same __**flower**__ that smiles to-day_

_To-morrow will be dying_

_The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,_

_The higher he's a-getting,_

_The sooner will his race be run,_

_And nearer he's to setting._

_That age is best, which is the first,_

_When youth and blood are warmer;_

_But being spent, the worse, and worst_

_Times, still succeed the former._

_Then be not coy, but use your time,_

_And while ye may, go marry;_

_For, having lost but once your prime,_

_You may forever tarry._

_Robert Herrick,_

'Easier said than done,' she thought. Although it was an excellent poem for Sirius Black she wondered why he would know it. But perhaps all masters in the art of seduction must have a good number of poetic verses in their repertoire. She didn't remember the word 'flower' having any special emphasis in the original poem and assumed that Sirius had done that as a deliberate reference to her name.

James cleared his throat audibly to bring Lily's attention back to him.

"Oh, sorry."

"Interesting letter?" he asked, trying to sound casual.

"To say the least. Would you like to hear it?"

"If it's a private letter you don't have to share," he said with a conviction he did not feel.

"Not at all." She read the poem aloud, slowly and with poise, the way she imagined the poet intended it to be read. She had read the poem in hopes that he would think she was trusting him, or rather, not keeping anything from him. It would be slightly embarrassing if he actually understood it, she was banking on him being a bit dense about poetry.

"Who wrote it?"

Lily didn't know if he meant the author of the letter or the author of the poem, so she naturally decided he meant the latter. It made things much simpler. "Robert Herrick."

"Don't know him."

"He's a 17th century poet."

"That's probably why. You know I'm a bit of a poet myself," James said proudly.

"Are you indeed? I didn't think you were the type."

"Oh I am. Here's one of my personal best..." He cleared his throat and began.

"_Third floor corridor._

_Dungbombs in suits of armour._

_Detention again"_

"A haiku? Why James I didn't know you were that deep."

"I have some that rhyme."

"Oh please do let's hear."

_"Oh Minerva, Minerva, today of all days, _

_I write to you a chronicle, _

_Of__ trying to express my feelings in various ways,_

_Like finding a__ rhyme for 'McGonagall'._

_So I wanted to write a meaningful song,_

_But this was the best I could do,_

_Keep in mind that though it may not be long_

_I__t is meant entirely for you._

_By the t__ight black bun, and the sweetness of your glower _

_You've entranced me. And may__ I mention_

_That although I've disrupted your teaching hour_

_I beg you will not give me detention._

"Wrote that to dear Minnie on Valentine's Day my sixth year. Had a house elf deliver it to her in the middle of Transfiguration class. Oh it was brilliant," he said wiping a tear of mirth from his eye. "I think the elf recited it better, he had a lute and sort of sang it."

Lily grinned madly. "So what happened after that?"

"She actually didn't give me detention. She did Sirius though. He hadn't been a part of that little stunt but he was the first to start shouting encore."

Lily laughed uproariously at the poem, Sirius's detention, the haiku, at everything, and James basked in her amusement. He liked making her laugh. It seemed that lately her face was always so stern, or worried. But her laughter... now _that_ was worthy material for the poets.

x

Lily decided that she had overcomplicated things that afternoon. James probably didn't think anything of it, and her paranoia had simply got the better of her. Here he was, sitting in her common room, reciting atrocious poetry and laughing with her. Everything was back to normal. That is, it had never changed. Lily was so relieved and happy that she let out all the laughter she contained until she was a breathless heap on the floor, unable to continue.

x

'I'm officially in trouble,' James thought as he watched Lily on the ground, chest heaving to regain her breath lost from laughing. He wouldn't tell anyone, and he would keep himself from acting on it like he had that afternoon, but he wasn't going to lie to himself anymore. He loved her, and would do anything and everything within his power to keep her happy and from harm. But from a relative distance. Obviously they were close, but friendship was a kind of closeness that had an interminable distance about it. And that was the safest distance he could care for her. For now...

"Oh that was wonderfully exhausting," she sighed. "Give me a laughing fit over a slumbering solution any day. Laughter is a much better addiction isn't it? Perhaps I'll come have you laugh me to sleep every night," she said, yawning. She closed her eyes and rolled onto her side.

"You can't sleep on the floor."

"Watch me."

"It might seem like a good idea now, but when that fire goes out you are going to realise how cold and hard it is."

"You wouldn't let the fire go out..." she said blearily, traces of laughter still echoing in that sleepy smile.

No. Indeed he wouldn't...

x

Dumbledore had summoned Lily to his office directly after her final class on Friday. She was informed (finally) that an order member would be there at all times, although she probably wouldn't recognise them in their disguises, and if she happened to, not to pay any particular attention to them. He reminded her what she was supposed to do. Try to find out any information on what exactly his business was with death eaters, and what channels he used. Dumbledore assured her that he had every confidence in her. Lily didn't want to seem arrogant, but she had confidence in herself as well.

Lily was reviewing all the things she should and shouldn't do as she put on her apron and stepped out into the bar. It had been a pleasant reunion with Tom. An hour or so later Basil and Cyrus came in, Basil apparently forgetting he was supposed to be angry with her. She saw many familiar faces, but none of them Chevalier's. Also, she didn't recognise any order member faces either, but she did recognise someone's posture. That straight stiff back, even when sitting gave McGonagall away. But as she had been instructed, she gave no sign of recognition or special attention.

The evening grew later, and still no sign of Chevalier. In fact she had almost forgot that she wasn't a simple barmaid until someone she knew walked in. Sirius Black, with a playful smile on his lips and a beautiful woman on her arm strode in and up to the bar. His eyes landed on Lily and widened with surprise for the merest instant before going back to normal.

"On second thought Cordelia, why not we try someplace else? I know of a little..." his voice trailed off as he got further away, exiting again.

He had seen surprised to see her. Did he not know she was working? She thought all the members knew...

When her shift finally ended that night she returned to her room where Ebony waited patiently, a letter attached to her leg. She had expected it to be from Sirius, but it wasn't.

_How did it go?_

_James_

Not exactly the length she had hoped for, but she was still pleased that he had written at all. She wrote back (a longer missive) saying that Chevalier didn't show, but all is well. She sent Ebony off. Knowing that it would take half the night for her to reach Hogwarts, she didn't wait up for a reply.

The next morning she had two owls waiting for her. One was Sirius's the other her own bird she had sent to James the night before. She opened Sirius's first.

_Terribly sorry, Cariad. I didn't know you started this early at the Leaky Cauldron. I thought it was only during the holidays. That's when _I'm_ assigned you anyway. _

_Hope you are well, and even if you are not I remain faithfully yours (I'm using the word faithful here loosely),_

_SB_

_P.S. You look ravishing in an apron._

She didn't reply, instead she immediately tore open the next letter.

_I've taken over your room and you are not getting it back. I'll send your things up to the DADA office where you will be living as of Sunday. Grading papers (surprise surprise) takes twice as much time when you only have half as many people grading. When you get this it will be Saturday, the best of all days, but since you will be working, I will have to loaf and loiter for the both of us, and will get into twice__ as much mischief. I'll let you know the how that goes. Report back._

_James Potter _

Lily smiled and folded the letter. She put it on the table while she got dressed, then put it in her pocket and went down to work.

The bar wasn't open at this time, but the inn was, and visitors would be checking in and out. She acted as a waitress a well, serving coffee and clearing tables when guests had finished their breakfasts. She couldn't spot the order member this time, and there were only three people in the room excluding herself and Tom.

By the next day Lily was certain that Chevalier wouldn't be showing this weekend. She almost wanted to ask Tom if he had been around recently, but she didn't dare. She would just have to be patient. It would be too lucky if he showed up the very first weekend and spilled everything he knew to her. No, this would take time...

Sunday night she apparated to Hogsmeade where a carriage was there waiting. She went skipping up to her room, taking the steps two at a time. Her face fell when she entered her common room and saw a note on the chessboard.

_I'm just going up to have a chat with Remus. It's a tradition since we graduated. All us lads meet up in the shrieking shack and catch up before his furry little problem makes an appearance. Going out with Sirius and Peter after. Don't wait up. I'll see you tomorrow._

_James Potter_

She was disappointed. She hadn't seen him since Friday morning. Granted, that wasn't very long, but it was the longest they had ever spent apart since they started spending time together. She was finally back and now _he_ was gone. She had expected him to be there, pretending to turn her out of her own room, claiming that he had commandeered it, then they would sit by the fire and enjoy themselves. By now he was probably out getting drunk with Sirius and Peter.

x

The truth was James had felt incredibly guilty about the last full moon. He couldn't leave his friend to face it alone, even though Remus had said he didn't mind. Of course he did, how could he not? James owed it to Remus, one of his best friends, not to turn away from him now.

Remus was surprised to see him, having already told everyone not to come, and tried to make him leave, but James refused.

"It's too dangerous," Remus explained.

"I've been there before, it'll be ok."

"You've always had Sirius to back you up. In these close quarters, with nothing but you and me, that is to say a deer and a wolf... you won't make it. Please go. I don't want to hurt you."

"Come on Mooney, so things have changed a little bit, but that doesn't mean you have to go it alone."

"I'm not kidding James. Get out of here."

"I'm not leaving, Remus."

"If you..." but he didn't continue. The familiar spasms took over his body and he began to shake and morph excruciatingly into the form of a killer canine...

x

Hours later, James limped terribly up to the castle beneath his invisibility cloack, blood soaking through everything he wore. He barely managed to open the doors.

He staggered up the first flight of stairs, leaning on the wall as he went. He knew there was no way he would have been able to make it up another six flights to his office, nor had he intended to. He was going to the only person in the entire castle he trusted enough to help him.

"Vigilance," he croaked. Unsteadily he made his way through the small personal common room and to the bedroom, pulling off the invisibility cloak, letting it fall to the floor.

"Lily..." he said weakly.

x

She stirred in her bed, sat up, rubbed her eyes, and looked at James. Her eyes widened when she realised that what she was seeing wasn't her nightmare, and that he really was standing in her room bleeding and hurt.

"James! Are you alright?" she asked jumping out of bed to move toward him. She acted as a crutch to help him the last few steps to the bed.

"No..."

"Here, on the bed, where are you hurt?"

"Everywhere..." He groaned in pain as he pealed off his shirt. Lily made a hissing sound through her teeth as she breathed in sharply when she saw the state of him. Slashes, bites and bruises covered both his back and his chest. He seemed to have an unfair amount of canine inflicted injuries this week.

She started immediately, using the same healing spells he had taught her a month ago. After his gashes were closed, cuts mended, and doing all that she could for his bruises on his back, she moved on to his front, repeating the process.

"Was it always this bad?" she asked, voice filled with concern.

"No. Tonight was the worst... We... Moony and I, I mean... I couldn't stay till the end. He was going to kill me. I had to..."

"Shh... You don't have to explain now. Just try to relax. Oh, you have a nasty cut on your eyebrow. Where are your glasses?" she asked, taking special care for the cuts on his face, trying to make sure they disappeared completely.

"No idea..."

"I'll get them later. Legs?"

"Yeah..." He moaned in pain again as he tried to remove his trousers. His legs had more bruises than anything else, but he had a terrible gash behind his left knee and another on his right Achilles heel, not to mention a very clear bite on his thigh. Blood oozed from the areas that were missing a chunk of flesh. She wasn't exactly sure what spells to use when tendons and ligaments were involved, but she did the best she could from memory.

"Try to point and flex your foot."

He did as she had asked with relative success. It was good that he had mobility, she was afraid she might have mended something together that she shouldn't have.

"Does that hurt?"

"Yes, but not as much as before."

"I think I re-mended your tendon, so it's quite new and tight. It will take a bit of stretching to wear it in..."

"Alright."

"Is that everything?"

"Merlin I hope so..." he said, shutting his eyes tight against the pain.

"Under the covers. Lie down, I'll be back in 10 minutes."

He didn't have the energy to ask her where she was going. He simply did as he was told. She gathered up his blood stained clothes and left, returning 8 and a half minutes later with a basket.

"Here, have some."

"Fire whiskey?"

"For the pain, and to help you sleep. I already used the usual pain relieving spells on you, but I thought I'd give you something extra. I also have some food in here if you are hungry," she said, going to her closer and pulling out her collection of potions.

"I haven't the energy to chew..." he said, downing the glass of whiskey and coughing a bit. She poured him another glass and he drank that too.

"Now drink this..." she said handing him a potion bottle. Even though she _knew_ that Remus wasn't evil, a werewolf bite counted as a dark injury. If James had been human at the time, it would do him no good, but now, if what she suspected really was true, it should work.

x

Lily handed him a bottle of what appeared to James to be warm milk. It tasted like warm milk as well, but he knew there was something else in it, because the moment he finished it he immediately passed out.

x

"_Well that proves it..._" she said to herself. She had suspected all along but now she actually _knew_ for a fact she loved him.

Once he was asleep, she kissed him lightly, and then spent the next hour or so pretending she hadn't and waited for the sun to rise and it was safe to leave. After summoning his glasses and putting them on the nightstand, she took the basket and his invisibility cloak and left.

She went to the shrieking shack as quickly as she could, bent double in that passage trying to run without bumping her head on the low ceiling.

When she entered the dirty ruined house she was sickened to see how much blood there was, not to mention seeing all the broken and clawed up furniture.

When the animal paw prints ended and the human ones began, she followed them up the dilapidated stairs to an old bedroom with a squeaky door, barely clinging to only one of its hinges. Remus's bare, tired and beaten body was lying prostrate on the dusty four poster bed.

"Remus?" she asked uncertainly.

Obviously shocked to hear a woman's voice he sat up quickly. Too quickly. In noticeable agony on many different levels he groaned as he finally managed to focus on her.

"Lily Evans?" he said in disbelief.

"It's ok lie back down; I'm here to help you." she said soothingly, starting the same routine as she had done not even an hour before with the man who was now unconscious in her bed.

Too exhausted to protest he did so. But he still had lots of questions.

"Aren't you afraid?"

"Remus, in your condition the only thing I have to fear is getting blood on my robes."

"I meant..."

"I know what you meant. And no, you're human now."

"How did you know?"

"I found out last month, we ran into each other on the Hogwarts grounds when you and your friends were in your other forms... You bit me."

"No..." he said in pure anguish.

"I forbid you to feel guilty about it. I was in my other form too, so nothing bad happened."

"You're a..."

"Yes," she said simply, and then continued right on with her topic. "I know it's been several years, but I will never forget how kind you were to me. Never."

"What about James? Is he alright?"

"Perfectly fine, or will be."

"Things are becoming clearer now," Remus said. Then realising his own nudity he pulled a blanket over his bottom half. Neither of them seemed embarrassed. He continued, "The four of us always went out every full moon, but last time he said never again, that there had been too many close calls and he wouldn't do it anymore."

"But he was with you tonight...?"

"Yes. He wanted to stay with me, but he refused to let me out like we used to do. I understand why now... I'm sorry Lily. He was completely right to keep me in here. It's too dangerous, _I'm_ too dangerous. Too dangerous to be allowed out, even in their company. I see that now and I'm sorry you had to get hurt for us to realise that..."

"I'm fine. Like I said before, I wasn't a human at the time..."

"Thank Merlin for that. I don't think I could have lived with myself otherwise. In fact it's rather difficult to live with myself anyway. When I think of what could have... I'm so sorry Lily."

"I already said that I forbid you from feeling guilty. Here, have a few swallows of this," she said handing him the bottle of fire whiskey.

"You thought of everything," he said, taking a swig.

"Do you want something to eat? I have some bread and sausages."

"Thanks," he said, eating a bit before taking another swallow of whiskey. "James is alright?" he asked again.

"Yes. He's recuperating now. Here, this will dull the pain and help you sleep." she said, handing a different bottle to him.

"No wait. I want to talk to you some more. I haven't seen you in years and you just suddenly appear out of nowhere to help me..."

"There will be time for talking later. Now you need to sleep and I need to get back to the castle," she said, running her fingers through his hair soothingly, maternally.

"Are you free next Monday?"

"Yes."

"Meet me in the Hogshead at 5. I want to talk to you."

"It's a date," she said. He smiled weakly and she handed him the potion. He drank it this time and was asleep within seconds. With a few simple spells, she cleaned and mended his clothes, folded them and put them on the end of the bed. She likewise cleaned the bedspread and sheets, pulling the duvet out from under him, then tucked him in snugly, fluffing the pillows and gently placing his head on them. She stroked his prematurely grey head once more before she left.

She used to love the full moon, but she couldn't think why. Now that she thought about it the waning crescent was much more charming.

x

When James awoke, he was confused at first, wondering where on earth he was. The only thing he saw was a great red blur in front of his eyes, which he recognised as Lily's hair. He squinted around the room, and automatically reached for the bedside table for his glasses. He put them on and looked around the room again, this time with corrected vision. Her head was against his chest, and she was curled up into a ball underneath a Hogwarts cloak, shivering slightly from the cold. Everything came back to him. He looked down at himself to see the damage, and he was pleasantly surprised to see it wasn't that bad. She had done a fair job patching him up. He also realized how very little he hurt, barely sore at all. His right foot and left knee were a bit stiff, but she had told him to expect that. He got out of bed and began searching for his clothes, something he would definitely need to get back to his office and then to the shrieking shack. He had abandoned Remus in the night, who knew how badly his friend could be hurt...

"Where are my clothes?" he muttered to himself.

"Master Potter, sir?" came a squeaky voice from the bedroom door. James strode to the door and opened it. Just as he assumed, a house elf stood there.

"Poppy?" James said in surprise.

"Miss Evans said that the clothes were to be brought up when they is clean, sir. And Poppy is doing what she asked."

"Miss Evans is asleep now, but I will tell her, thank you very much."

"It is always a pleasure to be a help to Master Potter or Miss Evans, sir," the elf said in an embarrassed yet happy voice, then disappeared with a loud crack.

Lily shot up, awakened by the elf's noisy departure.

"It's ok, it was only a house elf..." he said reassuringly.

"Oh, bringing you your clean clothes I imagine."

"Yeah, thank you."

"Thank the elves."

"I already did."

"Good."

He began pulling on his trousers as he said. "I have to go to the shrieking shack to check on Remus."

"He will still be sleeping. I went to see him as soon as the sun rose."

"You saw him?" James asked, frozen, trousers not yet completely on yet. "How is he?"

"He was in a bit better shape than you were, but I gave him nearly the same treatment."

"Including the fire whiskey?"

"Yes, he took a slightly larger dose than you did though..." she said with a faint smile. "How do you feel? Does it hurt anywhere?"

"No, as a matter of fact. That potion was amazing, what was it?"

"Secret."

"You will tell me eventually, yes?"

"Maybe."

James harrumphed at her noncommittal answer and pulled up his pants the rest of the way. "You have a month, my dear. I want that potion recipe before next full moon," he said as he thrust an arm into a shirtsleeve, realized he had put the wrong arm into the wrong sleeve, and took it off again.

"Remus won't wake up later in the afternoon, you can see him then."

"Do you want to come with me?"

"I have about 10 hours of homework to do."

"I'm sure he would want to see you."

"We have a date for Monday, I'll see him then. I really need to get my work finished."

"You have a what?" he asked. She had said the wrong thing. The word 'date' had inspired a jealousy as he had never before experienced. He felt as if he would burn up like straw.

"We are meeting next Monday, you know... to catch up and things."

"Where?"

"In Hogsmeade."

"It's not a Hogsmeade weekend," he said sternly. Lily's face immediately fell, her eyes and voice becoming equally frigid.

"Oh, right, I forgot, _Professor_. Please tell your friend that I can't come next Monday, nor will I be able to go with you today, because the shrieking shack is in Hogsmeade, and today isn't a Hogsmeade weekend either!" she said snappily.

"But at least now you would be with a teacher."

"It's not like you going with me suddenly makes it a school sanctioned field trip."

"Yes but--"

"Forget it. Give my apologies to Remus."

Furious for several reasons even he couldn't identify, he stormed out of her room.

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	38. In Which No one has a Panic Attack

**Chapter 38:** _In Which No One Has a Panic Attack_

Outraged and bewildered at James's seeming rash and unfair behaviour, Lily walked the length of her common room a few times, yowling angrily.

"What's gotten into him? Who is he to tell me what I can and can't do?!" she shouted at Ebony, who hooted indignantly on Lily's behalf in response. She hadn't really expected an answer from the bird, but it was nice to have someone on her side. The answer to the latter question was all too (annoyingly) simple. He was still her teacher and had every right, nay, _obligation_ to keep her from breaking the rules. But how many times had he ignored or even _encouraged_ her to break them? She couldn't think of a single thing she had done wrong this time, nothing which might explain the sudden lack of the nepotism he usually displayed to which she had become pleasantly accustomed.

Lily stopped her furious pacing and sat at the table, pulling parchment and quill towards her. She only got so far as '_Dear Remus_,' before she crumpled it up and chucked it into the fireplace. Remus wouldn't be up for several hours and if James arrived at the Shrieking Shack before Remus came to she wouldn't put it past the sneaky little snoop to read it. He would immediately recognise Ebony and Lily's writing and the auror in him would take over. No, there would be no way to guarantee that only Remus would read it.

She dipped her quill back into the inkpot and started on a fresh piece of parchment.

_My dearest and most wonderful darling Sirius,_

_To think I used to chide you for your frankness! I know now what a wonderful quality it is and I apologise profusely for having ever held it against you. Dear one, don't ever change. _

_Now you may be wondering what prompted this sudden appreciation for blunt honesty, but that's good because I have every intention of telling you._

_As you are well aware last night was full moon and your dunderhead of a friend decided to take on Remus alone. (I'm not sure how he managed to convince him, because Remus is far too sensible for that sort of thing.) Anyway, so he shows up in my room at some inconceivable hour in the morning half dead. I tended to him with the __**utmost**__ care and breathe not a word of complaint about the amount of blood he left on my sheets, as I say, it was unimportant._

_Once he was safely asleep I went to Remus to do what I could for him. I thought that if he were even half as bad as James_ (she struck several lines through the name and changed it to)_ your dunderhead of a friend then he could use a bit of medical attention. I'm sorry to say that it turned out to be true. (You recall I know Remus from a long time ago at Hogwarts… it would have been lovely to see him again had the circumstances been pleasanter.)_

_Anyway, after I returned to James _(again the name had been scribbled out and replaced it with)_ my room what is practically the first thing he does when he wakes up? He forbids me to go into Hogsmeade next Monday saying that it's not a Hogsmeade weekend. Like that had ever stopped us before! And it's not as if I'm going for a cosy chat with the dark lord in Madame Puddifoot's. It's Remus for pity's sake. Remus! The best and most trustworthy of all men so he can't be objecting to any danger._

_For the life of me I don't know what I've done this time to make him so angry, and he didn't even bother to explain. He just stormed off in a temper, the prat. But in fairness, I wasn't exactly in the best of humours either._

_Well I must go to class now (DADA because fate and I are at odds at present) so I will end this letter here._

_Your ever faithful complaining companion,_

_L_

She assumed Sirius would be in London, so she didn't expect to receive a reply any time soon. After sending Ebony off she collected her things for her lessons that morning and left.

'Great,' she thought as she checked her watch. 'Now I'm going to be late to his class and give him yet another reason to be angry with me.' She quickened her pace.

xxx

James was afraid that Lily would be so angry with him that she wouldn't turn up for his lesson, and the cowardly part of him hoped it would prove to be the case. He didn't want to face her after their… not _fight_, but disagreement. Not only that, but it would be embarrassing to do that day's lesson in front of her.

It was therefore with mixed emotions that he watched her enter the classroom and sit down next to Ferris. She didn't look at him, but he hadn't really expected a warm welcome. With a sigh of resignation he began the day's lecture on protection spells to be used on objects, rather than oneself.

"Now those of you who are also in Advanced Charms may find this a bit easier, but it is still challenging spellwork. I'm not sure of Flitwick's curriculum and whether or not you've already gone over this…" He automatically looked to Lily for confirmation. She didn't look up at him but she shook her head in response, as if she could tell he had directed the question at her. "Right then. That being the case for those of you who are in Advanced Charms, you will have a head start on this when the time comes, and for those of you who aren't, this will be your only opportunity to learn this so pay attention.

"Protective talismans are incredibly useful and it's a wonder why people don't wear amulets all the time these days. The most common objects to charm are jewellery pieces because they are consistently and easily worn. Any bobble would do, but fine jewels work best as their charms will last longer, even forever if the stone and the intentions are pure," he said hoping that non one would ask any questions.

He couldn't help it and hazarded a glance at Lily. Her hand was at her chest, touching the Dragon's Eye, but her expression was frustratingly inscrutable. Damn.

Not even waiting to be called on, a girl with her hand raised asked, "What do you mean if the stone and the intentions are pure?" Double damn. He had been hoping no one would ask that because this was where it got tricky and potentially embarrassing. He sighed, looking away from Lily. She wasn't going to like this…

"The purer the stone, the better the magic holds. I believe Professor Black discussed magical intent with you, yes? That is to say that with pure stones and pure intent, be it dark or light in its purity, it would be more powerful and in theory could last forever," he said praying to every deity he had ever heard of to make the girl end the line of questioning there and that is simplified explanation would be enough.

"Yes, but what does that _mean_? What makes intent pure?" Damn the girl and her persistence, James cursed.

"Purer intent means stronger magic. So either dark magic or the almost forgotten light. For example," he began, hating himself for having to do this. "To powerfully curse a piece of jewellery, the stones must be pure as must the hate. As mentioned before in this class, dark magic tends to feed off of negative emotions, particularly hate, a very raw and powerful magical resource… hence the ability to use the unforgivables. Hate is magically pure and potent. But one couldn't curse a simply string of beads to kill… that kind of magic of such pure dark intent would require in turn an equally pure object into which to lodge itself."

He took a tentative look at Lily as he spoke. Her head remained bowed and he couldn't meet her eyes, but it was obvious that she was shaking. Damned girl asking so many questions. Now Lily was upset and there wasn't a damned thing he could do about it. She finally looked up at him, her eyes watery and heartbreakingly green. 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!' he tried to convey with, but he didn't think she got the message.

"May I go to the loo?" she asked politely, not betraying the slightest hint of emotion in her voice.

"Certainly, Evans," he replied just as politely. She rose from her seat and left. Rupert was still scribbling away taking notes, not noticing a thing. James continued with his lecture as he strode casually over to Ferris's desk and put it wand tip to the boy's parchment. Words that Rupert hadn't written appeared there. _**Go after her, fool. **_Rupert looked started for a moment, confused and questioning, but when realisation dawned he followed Lily out the door saying he too needed to use the restroom.

James hoped Ferris would find her. It was just as well he couldn't go after her himself. She was angry with him and wouldn't appreciate him being there anyway. Ferris was the operative choice, which was good seeing as he was the _only_ choice at present.

"Now of course you can curse a hat to make the wearer bald, but such things don't last. The object is too common and the intent too weak, neither dark nor light enough. Two students raised their hands at the same time. James pointed at one. "Yes?"

"I had an aunt who had a biting tea kettle for over 20 years…"

"That was impressive transfiguration and charm work, not a curse. Yes?" he prompted the other student with her hand raised.

"What is 'light enough'?"

"I'm glad you asked, because that's the whole point of today's lesson. Good intent is dark intent's counterpoint. Love," he said easily. Now that Lily and Ferris were out of the room it was safe to say, otherwise he would have unwillingly confessed to her in front of the entire class. "One can evilly curse a pure stoned necklace to always kill using the magical intent of hate, but one could also use it to eternally protect with the magical intent of love, or perhaps any other powerful positive emotion."

"Professor Black didn't mention love when discussing polarity of intent," one student remarked.

"No, I don't suppose he would have," James mumbled sadly to himself. "In any case we are going to be practicing those ancient charms today." He pointed his wand at the blackboard where the incantation and accompanying instructions appeared. "Now I don't imagine many of you walk around the castle wearing your finest glittery things so for today we will practice on simpler necklaces. I have a supply here if you don't have something suitable with you already that you would prefer to use. Raise your hand if you need one."

Many hands shot up in the air and he wove in between tables distributing the simple beads and twine. "Now this is no simple shield charm so it will take a fair amount of concentration. Keep in mind, love of self is not as strong as selfless love, but it will still work. Though with these neither will hold very long after the first few curses are fired against it. Today we are just working on mastering the technique so you may all use it in the future. We move onto something else Thursday so do your best today."

Lily and Rupert retuned then, faces set and uncommunicative.

"Right, start practicing. Once you think you've done it decently test it out. Raise your hands if you need help or have questions."

The class began practicing and James went over to the pair that had just walked in. "You two will partner each other today. Take these and use that incantation to make a protective talisman for each other," he said handing them both a simple necklace from the box. He reached across the desk and took Lily's wand from where he knew it rested in her robe's pocket. "You're doing it without," he said imperiously before walking away, placing the important piece of wood on his desk. Lily called after him.

"I can't do something this complicated, it's too hard!"

"You haven't even tried yet," he called back.

"I'll fail."

"You have to fail sometimes, Evans," he said shrugging and turning away from her.

xxx

Lily began practicing with a huff of annoyance. He just wanted to belittle her. She tried and tried but with no great success. In her mood and without a wand it was no wonder. Her mind was still on the necklace. She took it off and banished it to James's pocket. She couldn't concentrate on her own spellwork with that powerful reminder dangling from her neck.

When she had excused herself she hadn't been upset, she had been furious. She had to leave the classroom before she exploded and lost her temper in front of the entire class as James had done with his Prophet. She had been in a bad mood before, but hearing James go on so easily about cursed jewellery like that made her blood boil. Perhaps she wasn't entirely angry with James, rather she assumed that most of it had to do with herself. For the past week or two she had done nothing constructive, nothing important or relevant. She wanted to be fighting, doing _something_ active against the dark lord but no, she had been too busy being stupid and romantic. What good did that do anyone? It wasn't helping the world, it didn't do James any good, and it certainly wasn't helping _her_ any.

"Let's try it out, shall we?" Roo suggested starting to put on the necklace she had been working on.

"No!" she shouted, grabbing the band out of his hand and putting it on the table. "I'd rather test it while it sits safely on the desk first. I wouldn't want you to get hurt."

She aimed a simple hex at it and fought the urge to burst into tears as the band burst into pieces. Instead of crying she punched the wall next to her. Hissing through her teeth she withdrew it quickly in pain. The stones had bruised and scraped her knuckles, which were now bleeding and throbbing in pain. She didn't wipe them clean. She liked the blood and she liked the pain. It was a sort of vent for her frustration, showing that at least _something_ came from her actions, even if it was only bloodied knuckles.

If Roo had actually been depending on her talisman to protect him she would have severely let him down. The thought of Rupert getting hurt because of her depressed her.

"Well if James wanted me to feel inadequate, stupid and deficient he succeeded."

"You did your best, and you were working without a wand. That's nothing to be ashamed of," Rupert tried to console her but to no avail. James had thought she could do it, but she couldn't and she knew why, which made it all the more infuriating.

'Damn him,' she cursed silently to herself even though she knew he wasn't to blame. It wasn't his fault she had let herself fall in love with him. Not only was it unrequited, but on top of that he was angry with her for reasons that still eluded her. A failure in life and in love… How depressing.

xxx

Sirius had actually been about to leave for the Shrieking Shack when Lily's owl arrived that afternoon.

"Well hello again, my dear," he said pleasantly to the bird he himself had handpicked for Lily. He stroked Ebony's soft plumage while he read her owner's note. After he finished it he took a step towards his desk to grab his quill, then remembered he hadn't any parchment on his desk, so he turned around and went out into the other room, taking Ebony with him. Once having both parchment and quill in order he sat down. With perfect penmanship he wrote five words.

_Tonight. Same time. Same place. _

To save the lovely owl yet another tiring cross-country flight he apparated with her to Hogsmeade. He shook her from his arm saying "Go, take this to your charming master," before walking into the Shrieking Shack.

When he went to the upstairs room he noticed that Remus was lovingly tucked into clean and fluffed bedding and that a neatly folded pile of clean clothes sat on the end of the bed. Not a scratch appeared on the parts of him that were showing (mainly his face) and his hair appeared to be combed. Sirius knew this silent work must all have been Lily's and his affection and estimation of the girl rose yet again. Remus looked more peaceful than he had ever seen him. Like a child (a child with grey hair, granted) smiling beatifically in his sleep.

Unable to wake his usually tormented friend from such a visibly peaceful slumber Sirius (carefully) seated himself in a wobbly chair across the room and pulled out Lily's letter to peruse it again.

"Padfoot?" Remus said several minutes later.

"Moony! How are you feeling?"

"Remarkably well as a matter of fact."

"It's the feminine touch, I'll warrant."

"There_ was_ a woman actually. Lily Evans. She was a first year when we were in seventh. She just appeared out of nowhere to help me."

"I know."

"Prongs already told you?"

"No. I'd be surprised if he mentioned this little episode at all. Lily owled me this morning," Sirius said rising from his seat to cross the room and hand the letter to Remus to read.

"How do you…"

"Read it first."

Remus took the letter shrugging. His brows drew together as he read the greeting. He looked at Sirius suspiciously.

"Just keep reading," the darker haired man commanded. Remus gave him another uncertain look before returning to the letter. His brows climbed higher with every line until they could rise no further.

"How long have they been…"

"They aren't," Sirius interrupted impatiently. "That's just the thing. But don't worry, I'm working to remedy that."

"Do they want your help?"

"No, they don't realise they need any. James is too dense and Lily too stubborn… either that or afraid. I'm not exactly sure which one it is yet. Probably both."

"I'm afraid you'll have to back up a bit and explain a few things. How did you get to be on such friendly terms with her? And how did Prongs for that matter?"

Sirius Black was a captivating storyteller and he gave this tale no less effort than any of his others whether they were true or not. He began his narration exactly a month ago when James forbade any more full moon excursions after Lily's attack. Then he went on the describe his own entrance into the story with the whole business of the necklace in the lake, Lily's helping James and the aurors by dating a death eater and that deadly Hogsmeade weekend as well as the encounter with Fluffy and Lily's promising reaction.

"And he has no idea you and Lily have been carrying on?" Remus asked uncertainly.

"Woah, you say 'carrying on' as if we've been…_ carrying on_."

"Haven't you been?"

"Not even once."

"Well done, Padfoot."

"Yes, I was rather proud of myself too."

"Well, if it has been perfectly chaste why not tell him?"

"Because he won't believe my intentions are, probably for the first time in my life, entirely pure. _I _wouldn't even believe me. I´m surprised _you_ do."

"Fair point."

"If he finds out before they get together the deal would be off, I just know it. I'm actually terrified I might not pull this off. If I don't there would be no way to prove I was working for him, not against him behind his back."

"Why must you do it behind his back anyway?"

"Because the fool doesn't know what he wants. I tried being open about it in the beginning but the prat keeps denying everything. I think going down that road would push him further and further away from the idea."

"Did you ever stop to consider that perhaps they_ shouldn't_ be together?"

"No, and I don't intend to start now."

"They are both resisting. And she is student. If it doesn't come off it could be a disaster for both of them."

"And if it does come off it could be the best thing that ever happened to either of them. Remus, trust me. You wouldn't be asking that if you heard they way they go on about each other," he said earnestly.

"Very well, what is your plan?"

"I have to get one of them to crack. I thought I'd try James at first, but now I think I'm going to go through Lily. She's more sensible about this sort of thing. At least she isn't in denial. She'll listen to reason, however reluctantly…" He didn't continue. In fact, both men fell silent and stared at the door awaiting the man whose footsteps heralded his approach.

xxx

"Alright there Moony?"

"Never better thanks to Lily Evans," Remus said. Sirius started coughing maddeningly and James shot him his best 'Silence in my classroom' look.

"That's quite enough of that, Padfoot. I'm not in the mood."

"Not in the mood for what?" Remus enquired.

"For lewd and tasteless japery."

"I made no jape, tasteless or otherwise," Sirius defended himself.

"Anyway, Prongs next time you see her tell her I say thanks for me. Really she was an angel. Actually, I could just owl her myself…"

"I'll tell her," James said quickly. 'Perhaps,' he added silently in his mind.

"Or I could just tell her next week. We are meeting in the Hogsmeade, did she tell you?"

"She mentioned it, yeah."

"She's changed so much since I last knew her… it will be nice to see her again."

James shoved his hands into his pockets angrily, trying to stop himself from yelling at his friend for something that wasn't at all his fault. He was surprised when he felt something hard and cool there. Grabbing hold of it he withdrew it from his robes and stared at the disheartening object. The necklace that had been cursed to kill her. The necklace he had charmed to protect her… He didn't blame her for not wanting to see it after that morning's lesson. He hoped it was the memory of the curse she had been scorning, and not his protection, although he wouldn't be surprised if it were so.

"What's with the face, Prongs?" Sirius asked.

"What? Nothing," he replied, quickly putting it back in his pocket. "Let's change the topic, eh? I have about an hour before I have to be back up at the castle, I don't want to spend the entire time talking about my students."

"Come off it, Prongs. She's not a student," Sirius quipped.

"I fail to see how she isn't."

Sirius slapped his thighs and rose to his feet. "I know it's not use to argue so I'm going to leave. You know that woman I was telling you about earlier, Moony?"

"Of course."

"I'm seeing her tonight. I'll leave this one to you," he said bending his head indicatively towards James. "Pity I'm going to miss Wormtail, he'll be here soon I expect. Anyway, glad to see you are well, Moony. You staying at my place tonight, yes? Prongs, always a pleasure," he bowed slightly to the messy haired man before disapparating with a pop, leaving James and Remus by themselves.

"You know Padfoot has it in his head that you have feelings for her…"

"Yes, I know. He's been dogging me all month about it."

"And do you?..." Remus asked tentatively.

"No."

"Would you tell me if you did?"

There was a moment's pause before James answered in a quieter tone. "No."

Remus simply nodded and thankfully change the subject entirely, acting as if the previous conversation hadn't even taken place.

xxx

Lily was relieved to get Sirius's reply at lunch. She felt her heart lighten as Ebony swooped down to the table.

"Who's it from?" Rupert asked casually as he brought a spoonful of soup to his lips, blowing on it to cool.

"Sirius," Lily replied with a smile, folding the parchment back up and sticking it into her bag. Sirius would make her feel better. 'He always does', she thought as she inspected the shameful state of her knuckles.

After Charms that afternoon she went to the library to complete all of her homework. For some reason he didn't feel like lingering in her own room. She didn't want to light a fire and it would be too cold without it, not that the library itself wasn't freezing. From her place next to the window she could see her own breath each time she exhaled.

She went down to Hagrid's later to have a chat and see if Mercury was there, but he wasn't. Lily tried to keep her morbid imagination at bay and did her best not to assume the worst. Still she stayed at Hagrid's practicing her protection charms, turning nearly every object in Hagrid's hut into a talisman until she had the technique perfected (both with and without a wand).

Around half past 11, Hagrid walked her back to the castle where she dropped off her school bag and changed into her pyjamas. Deciding that she would rather spend the rest of the wait in the Astronomy Tower, she left her room and began climbing the staircases. She would need to mount every single one in order to reach it. She had wondered just how many steps that was and decided to count. She was debating with herself whether or not to count the trick step she hopped over when she ran into a familiar form. He hadn't even tried to get out of her way.

Shocked to see James, she could only think to tell him the truth when he asked where she was going.

"Astronomy tower," she said immediately. Then after an awkward pause asked, "You?"

"Kitchens."

They stood there awkwardly for a moment before nodding and continuing on their separate ways. Both had secretly been hoping that the other had been on their way to see _them_. Both had been disappointed.

It was nearing midnight when she reached the astronomy tower. It was a clear night, the moonlight shone radiantly on Sirius's blue/black hair.

He was on his back, his hands leisurely behind his head with on leg stretched out straight, the other bent so that the knee pointed to the sky at which he stared. He didn't bother looking to her, nor did he greet her. Once again, Lily felt like she had intruded on some private moment.

She lay down next to him, placing her head on his stomach. She wouldn't speak until spoken to. She'd let him have his silence for as long as he wanted. She was content just being there with an understanding soul. She didn't need to actually_ say_ anything.

A hand removed itself from behind his head and found its way into her hair, fingers gently combing. She loved having her hair played with. It was such a sweet and simple gesture Lily imagined Sirius rarely enjoyed. It would be considered a variety of intimacy Sirius carefully avoided with women. He wouldn't take any kind of pleasure in a woman that wasn't sexually gratifying.

She tried not to let the head massage lull her to sleep but despite her best efforts she dozed off anyway. When she awoke she knew not how much later, she was on her side, and the arm that met the cold stones beneath her had fallen asleep painfully. She opened her eyes and readjusted herself and began rubbing the blood back into her arm. Sirius took over the job as he asked, "Do you see Cygnus, Cariad"

"The swan?" she asked pointing to the constellation.

"Yes, and do you see Cassiopea?"

"I do."

"How about Orion?"

"Yes."

"And the northern star?"

"Yours, you mean?"

"Yes, mine."

"Of course, it's the brightest in the sky."

"They are grouped together in everyone's mind, and looking at them from this distance they look as if thy run beautifully into each other, but in reality they are impossibly far from one another. We can´t even fathom the interminable cold space between them."

"Sirius?" she asked worriedly.

"My mother's dead," he said simply.

This sudden incongruous remark shocked Lily for a split second, but she regained herself and reached out to find his hand. She squeezed it with her own. "That interminable cold space between you made you the man you are today, and that man is so much better than the man she wanted you to be."

"I know. Her death is no loss to me. I'm not mourning for her. One cannot grieve the loss of a mother one never had."

In a few ways, he reminded her of Severus, but she didn't imagine either one would appreciate the comparison. Both had been deprived of love in their childhood, both were unwilling to admit that they still wanted it.

Sirius had never known love from his shrew of a mother. Now he dealt with his… not _inability_, but _reluctance_ to love in womanising, whereas Severus had joined up with other loveless beings to cope.

Her heart bled for both but she knew she could only try to help Sirius. She had failed miserably to redeem the other man.

She had the strange urge to offer Sirius to be his mother. Not for the first time in her life she felt like Wendy Darling, collecting and mothering Lost Boys… except this wasn't Neverland and they weren't boys, but 3 older black haired men.

"You know something? I think you'd make an excellent father." Lily didn't know yet if the scars on his heart would ever heal enough to lovingly make a child with someone, but if a child ever came under his care he would make a superb parent. A child would be someone he needn't be afraid or ashamed of loving, so he could do it wholeheartedly. With such a sharp mind and keen sense of the world, plus the amazing magical talent with which he could protect and nurture the child, combined with his generous heart… Yes, Sirius would make an excellent parent.

"Why is that?"

She enumerated the reasons she had previously been thinking and added, "You take such earnest care in the protection and happiness of those you love. I'm not saying this to flatter or frighten you. I was just saying what was on my mind."

The door to the tower opened. This time it wasn't Rupert but a couple of 5th years. They gawked openly for several moments before Sirius told them to shove off, the tower was occupied.

"There will be talk tomorrow," Lily said with a sigh.

"Don't worry about it, Cariad."

"But I told James I would be in the astronomy tower…"

"I didn't know you were back on speaking terms."

"We aren't. I ran into him on the stairs coming here. He was on his way to the kitchens."

"How awkward."

"Awkward indeed."

"I visited Moony this afternoon. Prongs was there, but didn't say anything about a row."

"I don't imagine he would."

"He _was_ in a bad mood, but I don't think it was because of anything _you_ did." The lift in his tone of voice aroused her suspicions. She sat up to look at him severely.

"Sirius…" she said warningly. He knew something, she could tell. He shook his head at her, sealing his lips with a smirk. "Sirius, tell me."

Sirius chuckled and brought her head back down to his stomach, the seal remaining unbroken. She allowed him to do this only because she knew the futility in arguing or begging with a sphinx.

"So you don't think it was something I did or said?" she asked. He nodded. "So I'm not in the wrong?" He shook his head. "Good. That means it's his fault and now I needn't feel guilty. I'll just ignore him for as long as he continues to be such a wankstain."

The seal was broken by a bust of irrepressible laughter. Lily had to sit up again because Sirius's body was jerking with spasms. "A… a… wankstain?" he gasped, wiping away a few stray tears.

"Yes. Not even a wanker but the stain the wanker leaves behind after wanking."

"No, no, I got it, Cariad. It's just… just so…"

"What?"

"Brilliant," he said, eyes crinkled in mirth and teeth shone white. He regained controll of his breathing and said, "Oh Lily dear you are wonderful."

"At least _you_ know it."

Sirius grinned at the implication. "Prongs knows it too, Cariad. Why else do you think he would get so uppity about other people wanting to play with his favourite toy?"

"Toy?"

"Pet, rather. It's like you are this cute cuddly little kitten that hisses, spits, claws and everything. He doesn't want to share it with anyone else because kittens are known to stray if someone gives them more affection than their owner." Oops, he gave the game away after all.

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," she said sternly.

Was she just saying that out of defence or did she really not believe Prongs cared for her? It was obvious he did after all the things he had done for her… Perhaps they were both too close to see. If only they could step out and watch themselves they too would notice.

Sirius knew that if either one admitted to it, then the other would jump right in. The trouble was getting either of them to cave. He knew that ultimately it was up to them. All Sirius could do is give them an encouraging shove or two in the right direction. Perhaps to get Lily to overcome her fear of losing love and get James over his ridiculous obsession with always doing what he thinks is the right thing…

xxx

"So…" Lily began trying to steer the topic of conversation away from herself and anything too personal for Sirius. "How did your evening with Cordelia go?"

"Cordelia?" he asked himself. "Cordelia. Cordelia. Oh, The leggy brunette."

"That's the one."

Sirius would have shrugged if he hadn't been on his back. Instead he flung a hand in the air in a careless manner and said, "Meh."

"That great, eh?"

"Oh she was fine, but I've moved onto greater things. A co-worker."

"Fellow model?"

"She's incredible."

"What's she like?"

"Oh Lily I could write a sonnet about her. Lethal body. I can't wait to wipe that look of continual boredom off her face and replace it with…"

"But what is she _like_? Her personality…"

"Dumber than your average garden gnome but what does it matter? I'm not going to be fucking her _personality_."

"Best of luck to you," she said dryly.

"Do I detect a hint of sarcasm, Cariad?"

"Yes, my dear. A man of your accomplishment doesn't need _luck._"

Sirius rumpled her hair affectionately. "So how are classes?"

"Ooh, an obvious and uncreative attempt to change the subject."

"I could have made a remark about the weather."

"Freezing. The astronomy tower probably isn't the best place for a rendezvous on a December evening."

"Shall we retire to a more comfortable ambience?"

"I suppose."

"My place or yours?"

"You know that sounds like…"

"I don't care what it sounds like just answer the bloody question."

Lily shifted awkwardly. "James knows my password."

"You could change it."

She looked down embarrassedly. She didn't _want_ to change it. She liked James being able to come and go when he pleased. James was the only one who knew her password, and if he came by and found it had changed he would assume she did it purposefully to keep him out and she didn't want to give him that impression.

Sirius smirked knowingly. "I see. So mine it is then," he said raising an arm. A broom flew smoothly and immediately into his awaiting hand.

"Wait, let me get the cloak. It will make getting back into the castle easier."

"You have it?"

"He left it in my common room last night. Wait a tick, I'll go and get it."

They rose over the castle, and were gliding easily over the grounds towards Hogsmeade when Lily saw a flash of red light from somewhere between the trees. By the way the broom sped up she suspected Sirius had seen it too.

"Sirius wait! Stop! Something's happening down there," she cried frantically. Could it be death eaters trying to make away with more magical creatures or could Hagrid himself be in danger?

"No."

"But Sirius…"

"No, Lily. Precipitate action can be fatal. We don't know who or what is down there or how many of them there are. We might be killed before our feet touch ground."

"But what if it's Hagrid?" she pleaded. "We have the cloak, please!"

"Lily, if anything happened to you…"

"I don't care!"

"But other people do, including me. I'm not going to be the one responsible for letting you get hurt or worse. Prongs will never forgive me."

"Sirius I'm begging you, just a look. Just a glance to tell me it's not Hagrid then we can go, I promise. Please, Sirius, I'm desperate."

Sirius growled. "This is by far the _stupidest_ thing I've ever done," he said as he turned the broom around and began their descent. Under normal circumstances he would have gone back immediately to check it out, but he had other things to take into consideration now. But against his better judgement he had caved to his own curiosity. 'If anything happens, I'm a dead man,' he thought (quite correctly.)

With the cloak securely around them they gently lowered themselves through the treetops. Both Lily and Sirius scanned the ground for anything that may have caused the red sparks. They spotted it almost at the exact same time for they reached for their wands in a synchronised motion.

Silently they landed and approached the hooded figures. Lily stopped short, paralysed by the sight of a beautiful silver coat and a horse-like body lying lifeless on the ground before them. She swayed as he knees threatened to give way. Sirius grabbed her and forced her head into his shoulder, stifling her cry of either anguish or rage.

He watched intently. There were only two figures that he could see. They would be easily defeated if taken unawares. He nudged Lily, alerting her to his plan when the hoods of the figures fell away. It was two women. Two _beautiful_ women about Lily's age. Momentarily entranced by the bizarre scene of two beauties hovering over the corpse of a unicorn he loosened his grip on Lily. He felt her tense up and wheel around, bringing him back to his senses. She didn't attack them straight away either. She looked as dumbstruck as he had been. After a moment's deliberation she hesitantly raised her wand and stunned them both.

They approached carefully, Sirius keeping a firm arm around Lily's shoulders.

"Oh thank Merlin it isn't Mercury!" she cried, clinging thankfully to Sirius, giving him a quick and jubilant embrace. He patted her head feelingly.

"Who are they?"

"Students, very clever ones at that. The dark haired one's name is Isaacs, the lighter one is Abbot. The 'beauties' of Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff that were meant to be killed with me in Hogsmeade. They must be under the imperius curse. There is no way they would willingly do something like this."

"We have to let Dumbledore."

"Let's let Hagrid know first," she said sending a doe bounding forth to fetch him. It was half an hour before the half giant himself appeared. He took in the scene with a quick glace and came to the same conclusion they had. He withdrew the violently pink umbrella and pointed it towards the unicorn, putting a shield around it. The blood which pooled around it wouldn't do the poor beast any good anymore, but it might still do other creatures harm.

"Dumbledore, then?" she asked. Both men nodded and she sent another silvery patronus up to the castle.

The headmaster appeared almost immediately, somehow having apparated within the Hogwarts grounds. Lily briefly sighed, thinking she would never be as good as Dumbledore, but she pushed that thought aside; there were more important issues at hand.

"We were in the air when we saw something happen," Lily began. Dumbledore's glance found the broomstick. The man who held it looked slightly shamefaced.

"We had the cloak, so we thought we'd hazard a look in case anyone was in trouble," he said.

"First thing's first," said Dumbledore firmly. ""We must take Misses Isaacs and Abbot back to the castle. Hagrid, you know what to do." Hagrid nodded gravely.

Once all but the half giant were back in Dumbledore's office the headmaster spoke, voice calm and stern.

"I will have you tell me the entire truth, if you please." Lily wasn't sure whether he was angry or not. She knew he would have every right to be, but she was sure that no matter how terrible the punishment was, the Headmaster needed to know.

Sirius was the one to explain. As requested he left out nothing, starting the story with the astronomy tower. He surprised Lily with his explanation for the meeting. He had found out his mother was dead and wanted to see her. She didn't know if this was true or if he had been covering for the whole full moon mess, which would incriminate all of them. He tweaked the truth only slightly, saying that they had decided to go for a fly, rather than that they were intending to go to Sirius's. Lily didn't see how that changed anything important and she was grateful for this slight inconsistency. Other than that, the recount had been true and complete.

"The Imperius Curse, Professor. It has to be. They would never…" Dumbledore raised two fingers and Lily obediently fell silent.

"I agree, Miss Evans."

"But it was a rather ill thought out scheme, whoever did it. They couldn't guarantee that the girls would live long enough to bring back the blood," said Sirius thoughtfully.

"Perhaps that was what was intended from the start. Perhaps there weren't meant to survive. Slaying a unicorn is an outrage, almost a blasphemy in the world of magical creatures. If whoever put them under the Imperius Curse wanted them to be killed with no blame attached to themselves whatsoever, this was the way to do it. Getting a hoard of incensed creatures to do the job for them."

"But if they were under the imperius curse to begin with, why bother sending them to the forest to be killed? Why not have them drink poison or throw themselves from one of the turrets?" Sirius countered.

Dumbledore cleared his throat and both Lily and Sirius turned back to him. "Perhaps we ought to ask them," he said pointing his wand at the two stunned girls.

They roused sleepily, taking in the sight of Lily and Sirius inside the Headmaster's office with a mixture of confusion and alarm. Dumbledore wasted no time calming them, explaining what happened and how they came to be there.

Abbot sniffed sadly, trying not to cry at having murdered an innocent unicorn. Once finally understanding and relatively accepting of the situation they explained everything they knew.

To the united dismay of Sirius, Lily, and the Headmaster, the two girls remembered nothing about when, why, how, or who had cursed them.

Dumbledore summoned their heads of houses to explain the situation and escort their students back to their dormitories. After they left Lily waited in nervous expectation for her punishment. She could handle anything but being taken out of the order.

"You needn't worry. I'm not going to punish you."

"You aren't?"

"I'm afraid it would be unfair of me to give you the burdens and responsibilities of an adult while denying you the liberties of one by keeping you under the constraints of a child. I only ask that you don't abuse or flaunt it."

"Thank you, Professor."

Lily and Sirius left the office in silence and didn't speak until they were in front of the great front doors.

"So what will it be, Cariad?" he asked. Lily looked towards the starcaise that led to her own room, then at the oak doors in front of her that led to the rest of the world. Dumbledore had given her freedom so long as she was discreet and prudent, so she decided to take advantage of her knew liberties. It was strange to think that she wasn't breaking any rules by leaving campus in the middle of the night.

They apparated from Hogsmeade to Sirius's place. It wasn't as 'little' as he had led her to believe. Perhaps compared to his childhood home it was small, but it was larger than any place Lily had ever lived.

"Home sweet home," said Sirius quietly.

"Why are we whispering?" she asked, imitating his own volume.

"Because Remus may be sleeping."

The realisation that the name set off jolted her almost so far as to cause her to trip over her feet. With her new official freedom, James hadn't the authority to keep her away from Hogsmeade to see Remus on Monday… or any day for that matter.

She wasn't sure that she wanted him to know either. It was strange, but Lily _liked_ the idea of him having a bit of power over her. If she told him he no longer had it he would stop trying to exert it, which would be a pity because sometimes he did it in the most interesting and delightful ways. Perhaps if the situation grew dire enough she'd tell him. Not before.

The sound of Sirius chuckling brought her out of her thoughts and back into the living room. "There are several empty rooms and yet he always sleeps on the couch," he said shaking his head amusedly. "Tea of coffee?"

"No, thank you," she said stepping towards the sleeping man. She couched next to him and studied the lines of his face with pain. 'Poor man,' she though as she smoothed away the hair from his face. "Do you have a spare," she was cut off by the blanket she had been about to ask for flying into her face. "Thank you," she said, spreading it over Remus.

"Your face is so easy to read," Sirius remarked. "Nice people are so predictable."

Lily shrugged and took the wine glass Sirius offered. She had declined the tea and coffee on the grounds that both beverages would keep her awake. Wine, on the other hand, would blur her mind and make her drowsy. She took a sip and looked around for a place to sit.

"Not here," Sirius said. "Don't want to wake him. This way."

She followed him though the hall up the stairs and into a large bedroom that seemed to have an attached sitting room. She removed her cloak and threw it along with James's over the back of one the armchairs.

"Dressed for the occasion I see," he noted, eyeing her pyjamas.

"Just lucky, I suppose."

"Speaking of luck, I see that Lucky Lily Evans strikes again.

"How did you mean?"

"We just _happened_ to be flying over the forest just in time to save your classmates from almost certain danger and uncover yet another dark plot."

"Not in time to save that unicorn though…" she said sadly. Sirius sipped his wine as he took another step towards her. "Oh Sirius for a moment I thought it was Mercury and I…"

"What?" he asked, taking yet another step.

"I didn't know whether to collapse in grief or attack in rage."

"You did neither as I recall."

"I knew I couldn't let my personal feelings get in the way of doing what needed to be done…" Sirius thought briefly of James and how that statement probably applied to him as well. "I haven't felt that kind of terror grip me since my parents…" she choked on the word, unable to finish the thought.

"There, there," he said closing the rest of the distance and putting a hand atop her head. "Mercury is fine," he said. It was the only comforting thing he could say, for her parents certainly weren't. "You've had a wrecking day. Go to sleep."

xxx

It was almost 24 hours exactly since James had shown up in her bedroom, faint and bleeding.

Sirius turned down the bedding and said, "This will be a first, Evans."

"No it won't..." she said, thinking he was making some kind of sexual insinuation. Sirius raised his eyebrows amusedly.

"You are jumping to delicious conclusions, my dear. I only meant that this will be the first time a woman will sleep in Sirius Black's bed and _won't_ have an orgasm," he said arrogantly as they both slid under the covers. "And...erm... if you feel something poke you in the back just... ignore it..."

The lights went out and they spoke no more. Lily's mind was once again in need of an overhaul. So many things were spinning around in her head that it was impossible for her to sleep. She wished she had her potions with her, but then decided it was better she didn't. James didn't want her to use potions. She thought of the wine, but that would be even worse.

It had been an hour and she was still awake. She turned over to face Sirius. With those starling silver eyes hidden behind their lids he seemed… innocent? No, not innocent but one couldn't see the cunning in them, or the coldness. It made him appear, more loving and approachable.

She couldn't stop her hand from running through his hair. It wasn't at all a fun messy mop like James's, nor the lank locks of Remus. It was perfectly smooth and compliant; like water she let it slide through her fingers. As she stroked his scalp as she would a cat she ached for her sister, Petunia. She used to run her fingers through Lily's hair just so.

She still enjoyed it; she always did. It was like a guilty pleasure of hers and she could never pass up a chance to play with hair. 'My Lost Boy," she thought. 'My poor Lost Boy.'

x

Sirius wasn't asleep, but he wasn't about to tell her that because then she'd stop. No one had ever done that before and he wanted it to continue for as long as it possibly could.

xxx

James went to breakfast in the Great hall the next morning, hoping Lily would be there. She did appear, but she didn't even look up at the head table. She sat down and chatted easily with Ferris as she picked at her bacon and toast. He was surprised to see Isaacs and Abbot approach her. They exchanged a few words and Lily rose to her feet to go with them. She said something to Rupert as she touseled his hair. He nodded and said something back before the three girls left the Great Hall together. James thought that he might as well go back to his office now, but a moment later Lily reappeared.

She didn't return to Gryffindor table but walked purposefully in his direction. His hopes lifted, but they fell again when she walked straight to Dumbledore, pointedly ignoring him.

"Professor may I have a word in private? It's about last night." James's eyebrows rose and he stared openly at the Head Girl and Headmaster. Dumbledore rose from his seat and the pair of them withdrew into the side chamber behind the head table.

What had happened last night? What had he missed? If he hadn't been such a fool yesterday he would be a player in the action, not the gawking fool that he was this morning.

x

"Isaacs found this in her pocket after she left your office last night." Lily said producting a piece of parchemnt from her robes and handing it to Dumbledore. He peered over his half moon spectacles at it. "She doesn't remember being in the library at all, much less the restricted section."

The paper she had given him had been a page torn from a book. The contents on the page left no doubt that the volume from which it had been taken came from the restricted section. It might not have been the doing of Death Eaters, but it was decidedly dark.

Lily had to wonder though. If it was a potion they wanted brewed, but didn't mind if the brewer died in the attempt, why hadn't they chosen her? She was the potion brewer, not the other two and the whole world knew it. She was the obvious choice.

They didn't want to attempt Lily again, they didn't dare go after a girl so protectively guarded by the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and who was so carefully watched by the Headmaster himself. These thoughts hadn't occurred to Lily, but they most certainly had to the one who had cast the Imperius Curse…

xxx

During that entire week of classes she had been cold to him. She carried on just as helpfully as she had always been, but she never laughed, never smiled, didn't make any jokes and didn't make any conversation that wasn't related to school. She never stopped by to hang out in his office in between classes or during breaks. He also noticed that she was never outside with Mercury in her doe form in evenings. From his office window he could see Hagrid's hut, and he had been looking for her every night that week, but she never showed. What she was acting like, he realized, was a normal student. Her reasoning, he knew, was that if he was going to treat her like a normal student (and not let her go to Hogsmeade) then she was going to _act_ like a normal student.

As he sat in his office staring at _LILY'S CHAIR_ he really appreciated just how much Lily Evans was _not_ a normal student. Not to him.

James found himself outside the Head Girl's rooms Monday afternoon. He was debating on whether to knock, or just go right in. The longer he spent in the hall the more nervous he became. He felt slightly vulnerable without his cloak. He didn't want anyone to walk by and wonder why he was loitering outside her room. When he heard footsteps approach he quickly whispered _vigilance_ and entered.

Lily was reclining on the couch in front of the fireplace, reading from a text book and taking notes.

"Good afternoon, Professor," she said without even looking up from her book. James assumed (with slight pleasure) that he was the only other one to know the password and even though he hadn't been in for a week, he was still the only person she expected in her room apart from herself.

"Come on," he said more commandingly than he had meant.

"Where are we going?" she asked indifferently.

He sighed. "To Hogsmeade..."

She graced him with a smile for the first time that week. "Wait a tick, I'll be right back. She reappeared a minute later, smelling of perfume and carrying his invisibility cloak.

"We should both get under until we get outside," he said, taking the cloak from her and covering them both with it. It was a Monday afternoon, which meant high traffic and had to walk very slowly and quite close together to make sure that the cloak covered both of their feet. At such close proximity, Lily's heart was, to her annoyance, pounding heavily again. Why was it that she could contain herself in classes but not times like this?

3 girls were walking towards them, talking loudly.

"I saw Professor Potter flying yesterday. He is a god on a broom,"one of them said.

"And in bed too, rumour has it."

Both Lily and James instinctively moved to get out of their way, except Lily went right, and James went left. With agility born of Quidditch and Auror training, James quickly grabbed Lily and pulled her to him before they parted company with the cloak and were exposed. He pushed her against the wall, and covered her mouth with his hand. She felt him take a deep breath in as he tried to make himself as thin as possible, narrowly avoiding contact with one of the girls.

"That slag White pretends to have trouble on purpose just so she can spend more time with him in remedial lessons after class. But last week he said he'd arrange another tutor for her, because he isn't giving lessons to anyone outside of class anymore," she said as they walked by.

Lily she was all too aware that his body was pressed up against hers, pinning her to the wall. Once again she felt powerless and dizzy. She realised that the dizziness might have been from hitting her head on the stone wall when he had shoved her against it. There was a throbbing pain there now.

"Ow," she tried to say, but it was muffled by his hand, which was still covering her mouth. He removed it when the group of girls disappeared around the corner.

"What?" he whispered.

"I hit my head..." she whispered back.

"Sorry..."

He stepped away from her and the continued towards the Hogwarts grounds. Once a safe distance into the forest he removed the cloak.

"I thought we could continue on all fours from here," he said with a devilish smile. It was if they had never faught. Lily gave him a mischievous grin back before turning into a doe. James circled around inspecting her almost as a predetor might. "Not bad, Evans, not bad at all. Think you could carry me there?" he said jumping on her back.

No, he was definitely too heavy. She was a deer, not a horse. She trod the ground angrily with a front hoof. "Alright all right," he said getting off and changing into the stag. Lily morphed back into a human and walked around him in a wide circle.

She ran her finger along an antler. "Think I'd be too heavy for a big strong stag?" she asked teasingly. He bent his head down in a bow inviting her to get on. She did so. Not only was he a stronger animal than she was, but she was also much lighter as a human. He cantered along easily with her on his back, but Lily had to admit that it wasn't the most comfortable way to travel. In one swift movement, she dismounted and changed into her other form, so that her hooves landed as she hit the ground running, keeping pace.

"Impressive, Evans," he seemed to say.

As they cantered along, Lily thought back to the incident in the corridor. The girls had been gossiping about James; _her_ James. The James who who had saved her life on more than one occasion, who had cried over her, who had spent last Sunday night in her bed. The same man that was running next to her in the form of a stag, the same man she was in love with. Not for the first time she considered that she was not the only one to notice his appeal and felt a stab of jealousy. They had referred to him as a sex god, as if they would know. What a stupid and typically childish thing to say. It bothered her that people talked about him that way. He was more than just some beautiful man who hides beneath an invisibility cloak and throws you against a wall…

Wait, no… that was not a productive line of thinking.

x

James had forgotten his bad mood and his reluctance to take Lily to Hogsmeade. In fact, he was having an excellent time. It was like he was in school again, but now he didn't have to worry about keeping a werewolf under control; he could just enjoy himself. He thought how nice it would be if they could do this more often.

His mood fell again when they approached the village and he remembered why they were going there. He led her to the closest point to the Hogshead that was still in the cover of the trees. There they changed back and he got under the cloak, following close behind her as she entered the Hogshead. He spotted Remus sitting in a booth, but the moment Lily entered he got up and went over to her, giving her a large hug. James didn't often feel the urge to punch Remus, by far the nicest and most easy going of the group, but he did just then.

"Lily. It's great to see you again. You look fantastic. I barely recognized you last week."

"I've grown up," she said.

"You most certainly have. You must be giving the lads at school a hard time. You're in your seventh year?"

"That's right. Head Girl," she said as they both sat down. James didn't even realise that he had followed them to their table. "I can't stay but for an hour or so, someone is picking me back up at 6."

"Oh, perhaps your friend would like to join us then?"

"No, I mean he wouldn't think it appropriate. He does like to _eavesdrop_ sometimes, but I'm sure he wouldn't want to be a _nuisance_ and _intrude._"

Fine, James could take a hint, piss off and come back at six. Right. He wasn't wanted. Fine.

"Um..." Remus said uncertainly.

"Sorry. He's gone now," Lily said. She could by the lack of familiar warmth. "He was under that cloak of his."

"Oh..." Remus chuckled. "I didn't know James was here. How can you be sure he's gone?"

"He is. I can just tell. He has a very..." she couldn't say warm, because that sounded weird, "obvious, loud sort of presence. It just seems quieter when he's not around. When he comes back I'll say something about Ancient Runes so you will know he's here."

Remus laughed pleasantly again. "Sounds like a plan. I was right though, wasn't I?"

"Yes you were."

"When I got your letter saying that James wouldn't let you go, I thought that it didn't sound like him at all."

"He only told me today. He just showed up in my room an hour ago saying 'come on, we're going to Hogsmeade.'" Remus chuckled again at his friend's predictable behaviour.

"Sirius is coming by in a bit. He says you forgot something at his place the other night."

Lily couldn't think of anything she had forgotten but she didn't really care. She wouldn't mind seeing Sirius, in fact, she looked forward to it.

They talked about everything that had happened to each other in the past six years. Remus watched her laugh as she heard funny stories about James, or how her eyes would fill with concern when he spoke about him being injured. Sirius had told him that Prongs cared for the girl, but he didn't know that she felt so strongly back. "Hello Moony!" Came Sirius's booming cheerful voice. "And of course greetings to you, Cariad."

"Hallo, Sirius," she returned. "We were just talking about the order."

"Ah yes. We are all members of the club now aren't we?"

"Even though I'm not sure what good I'll be," said Remus.

"One with a good mind, able body, and loyal heart is always a desirable team mate," Lily said with certainty. "What good is any one person on their own? It's our willingness to fight together that gives us worth."

"You know who she sounds like, don't you Padfoot?" said Remus sounding amused.

"I was just thinking that Moony. Cute, isn't it?"

"Why do I feel like I'm being teased?" she said sourly.

"Because you are a very perceptive girl," Sirius answered.

"And you are a cheeky bastard. You know it was a rhetorical question. Stop teasing me."

"But teasing your friends is one of the principle pleasures in life. For me anyway…"

"I'm afraid that's all too true," said Remus, who by this time had 13 years full of memorable proofs from which to draw upon.

"Oh yes, Sirius. What did I forget at your place?"

He gave her a gentle whack to the back of the head. "You forgot to say goodbye, you harlot. What kind of whore leaves while the other person is sleeping? Honestly, who does that?"

"You," both Lily and Remus replied. They looked at each other and grinned as Sirus tried his best to look victimised.

"Unfair. Lily I would never have let you meet him if I thought you would let him turn you against me..."

"I'd never turn against you, Sirius. But I will tear the mickey out of you at every possible opporunity. Because making fun of your friends is one of the principle pleasures in life," she said mockingly.

"Very well, if that's how you want to play it, Cariad, you leave me no choice," he said fixing her with a worrying mischevous grin. "So I take it that since you're here you and Prongs have kissed and made up?" Lily knew she was out of her league here so she simply changed to topic.

"Speaking of silly questions..." she said, not answering him, "In 6th year when James had you under Rictasempra for half an hour, what did you do to get him back?"

At this both Remus and Sirius grinned. "That was well dodged, Lily, well dodged indeed. I'll humour you though, since I already promised to tell you."

"You are too kind,"

"Don't you ever forget it. Anyway, after Quidditch practice one day I stole his clothes while he was in the shower. I waited outside and every time he tried to summon clothes from his room I would intercept then. In the end he had to fly to his room naked. It got him in huge trouble. In fact, he was banned from the last Quidditch game of the season. He _**hated**_ me for that, took him a week just to speak to me again. But he became a legend among the students... particularly the females. So the revenge sort of backfired. He ended up getting more girls than I did that month..."

"I _knew_ it had something to do with nudity!" she said triumphantly. "He refused to tell me."

"I don't blame him," said Remus.

"Still, he made it sound like this terrible thing when really it was nothing more than a pleasant naked jaunt on a broom. Nothing to be ashamed of."

"Save the nudity bit," Remus added fairly.

"He has nothing to be ashamed of. It's not as if he is hideous and misshapen," She remembered the few times she had seen him en dishabille. _Not hideous or misshapen in the slightest…_ A faint blush began to creep into her cheeks.

"You like James, don't you," Remus said, simply.

"He's my _professor,_" she said defensively, cheeks growing redder.

"Oh, right. You like _Professor Potter_," Sirius said teasingly. Remus grinned.

"Oh... just... fall off a broomstick," she spat.

Sirius laughed heartily. "What? How many times have we been through this. It's not a sin."

"Isn't it?" she said sadly.

"It's not a sin, no. Against the rules, yes, but James never set much stock by the rules," Remus said rationally.

"And neither do you..." added Sirius with a charming smile, taking her hand in his.

"That's... completely different. There is nothing... that is to say that he and I are not... We don't... oh just go eat a dungbomb."

"I'm sorry Lils, we'll stop teasing you," he said pulling her head down to rest on his shoulder. He patted her hair. "Do you think that if he reacts the same way you do, that he feels the same way you do too?" Sirius asked honestly to the table at large.

"Why, what has he said?" she asked, excitement and curiosity mingling together with a familiar warmth. But this time that familiar warmth was more of a with furious heat. She rose quickly, extricating herself from Sirius. "So that's basically what we've been doing in Ancient Runes. I have to go now, it was nice seeing you both. Owl me sometime. Bye!" she said in one long stream of continuous speech, pushing at the invisible man behind her speedily out the door.

Sirius looked completely confused as Remus laughed.

"That was her signal to tell me when James came back."

"How can she tell when he's under the cloak?"

"Who knows? I wonder how much of that conversation he heard... Lily said he likes eavesdropping."

"He always has. It's the auror in him."

x

"You never said Sirius would be there too," James growled the moment they left the Hogshead. He had arrived just in time to see his best friend put Lily's head on his shoulder with smarmy smile. He couldn't hear what Sirius had said, but he was sure it wasn't chaste or of pure intent.

"I didn't know myself! I'm sorry, don't be angry with me!" she whimpered.

"I'm not mad at you."

"Then, could you let go of my arm? You're hurting."

"Oh," he said, surprised and ashamed of himself for once again, taking his frustration out on her. "I'm sorry, I didn't realise..."

"It's ok. Why does it matter if Sirius was there? I thought you were friends..."

"We are. Best friends. And ever since I told him about..." he wasn't going to say the arousal spell, so he quickly changed it to something else "your prank with Filch's records he's been wanting to meet you."

"So?"

"So? I know what he's like with women. Believe me, you do not want to get involved with Sirius Black."

"So you were trying to protect me from your philandering friend?"

"Sounds so cheesy when you put it like that."

"I had a great teacher in all things cheesy," she said jokingly. "But he was perfectly charming."

"Sirius is always perfectly charming," he said sourly.

"That's not what I meant. He was a perfect gentleman."

"So he didn't..."

"Kiss my hand, flirt with me the entire time, ask me to marry him? Yeah, but apart from that he was completely fine!" she joked.

"Hmm... marriage proposal is a new tactic."

"Don't worry, we aren't engaged."

"Congratulations Miss Evans, you are the first known women to turn him down."

"Do I get a prize?"

"Yes, your prize is that you don't have to put up with him."

They both laughed. Merlin it felt good to be laughing with her again, James thought. He almost regretted having to change back into their animagi forms, because that hampered conversation. Communicating as an animal wasn't nearly as effective as using English. He realised, however, that because they were the same species, communication was a bit easier even than it was with the other Marauders. The thing about being an animal though, was that conversation didn't seem as important. It was just the companionship, the feeling of togetherness, solidarity. There was just a mutual understanding that left no real need for conversation.

They walked, ran, jumped, and frolicked back to Hogwarts, stopping to explore interesting places or smells. Once back on the grounds they ran into Mercury for the first time since the last midnight. James could tell Lily was relieved and wanted to spend time with him, so all the three of them went to the lake. Lily and Mercury settled themselves in a nice grassy place beside the water, and James stood, looking out.

It was late when Lily and James finally returned to the castle. Both of them were in such excellent moods. It was almost as if by tacit agreement that they didn't speak of the previous week. They didn't want to bring it up and ruin the cheerfulness. A week. An entire week had gone by without a word of real conversation. It had been a wretched time for both of them and they never wanted to go through it again.

After a veritable feast in the kitchens they went back to Lily's room. James lit the fire and they played a game of chess, neither one of them really focused on the game and James knocked over even more pieces than usual, but it didn't seem to bother him this time.

He couldn't remember what had been said exactly, but Lily was laughing pleasantly, her hand at her chest. James noticed that it was bare, and remembered that now that they were speaking again there was something he wanted, no, _needed_ to do. He rose and walked over to her. He withdrew the pouch she had given him, and from it took out the Dragon's Eye. When she saw it she stopped laughing and stood, transfixed. James placed himself behind her and brushed her hair to one side. He let his fingers draw over her skin slowly as he did and breathed in the scent of her hair. With slightly shaky hands he fastened the chain around her neck, then pulled her hair through so that it flowed over her shoulders. Once again he was painfully aware of the space between them. Too much space. He stepped in so that his chest was touching her back.

"Don't ever take it off," he breathed, desperately fighting the urge to wrap his arms around her, pulling her tightly into him. He wanted her to wear it always, so that if there ever came a time when he wasn't there himself, a part of him would forever remain to protect her.

She touched it with her fingers as she turned to face him. She was so achingly beautiful. That was the only way he could describe her. He _ached_ when he saw her, as if he were unworthy to look upon such beauty, but couldn't keep his eyes away and this pain was his punishment.

He couldn't stop his own hand from reaching out to hers, closing it around those beautifully cold stones. It was a physical pain now, the stab of his heart. He had to close his eyes and take his hand away to stop himself from… something. He didn't know what. He felt like he was going to fall over.

x

She put a hand to his forehead worriedly. He didn't feel like he had a fever but something was definitely the matter. It was as if all of a sudden he had lost all his strength. He looked so ill she was afraid he might faint.

"James? Are you alright?"

"No. Yes. I will be," he said shaking his head as if to clear away some fog in his mind.

"You don't look well."

"I don't think I am," he said uncertainly.

"Sit, before you pass out," she said gently leading him towards the couch. He allowed himself to be led. He fell into the couch, and kept his eyes closed as she brought his head into her lap. She began stroking his hair automatically.

"No," he groaned. "I can't bear it."

"Can't bear what? Are you in pain?"

"It's unendurable."

"James, I'm worried. I'm going to take you to the Hospital Wing."

"No. I'll be fine," he said rolling off her and staggering away with his eyes still shut.

x

James could only imagine what Madame Pomfrey would say if he came into the Hospital Wing suffering from love sickness. "I just need to go back to my office and rest. I'll be fine, goodnight."

"I'm not leaving you alone in the state you're in."

"You'll have to," he said with a weak sort of laugh. If he didn't get away from her soon something in him was going to burst.

"You can stay here tonight," she offered.

"No," he said emphatically. If he stayed in her bed tonight there would be no stopping him doing something he would regret in the morning, but right at that moment there was nothing else in the world he wanted more.

"Can I run you a bath, or something?"

A bath! That was it. A cold one, a nice cold bath. That would calm him down and perhaps get his heart out of his throat and start beating again. It would clear his head.

"Yeah, if you wouldn't mind. Not hot water though."

"Surely a steamy soak will ease your lungs better than a freezing one."

"Just draw the bath, my dear."

It wasn't until he heard the bathwater start running in the other room that he dared open his eyes again. He looked down and saw to his unbelievable relief that he didn't show any _physical_ signs of his suffering. He had been afraid he would be hard as a rock, and wouldn't that be interesting to explain. Not that she hadn't seen him with an erection before, but this time she wouldn't have used a spell.

Now that he thought about it, he was astonished that he had managed to contain himself. By all accounts, it didn't make sense. He _should_ have been stretching his pants by now, why wasn't he? Perhaps he was ill after all.

'Ah,' he thought as he felt it take. 'There it goes.' He had simply been too busy thinking about his heart to worry about his equipment, but now that he was thinking about it…Well... It was like not noticing you are hungry until someone mentions food.

"It's ready!" she shouted from the bathroom.

"Thank Merlin for that," he said under his breath. 'And for large concealing cloaks.'

He eased himself into the tub and noticed that it was only tepid. He wasn't going to hold it against her though. It worked just as well. He had been in there for thirty minutes when Lily knocked on the door.

"Yes?"

"Draw the curtain I'm brushing my teeth," she announced. He did so and she entered. "Feeling better?" she asked.

"Much better, thank you," he replied cheerfully. He really was too.

"Good, you had me worried." She spoke while brushing, a trick that Sirius could do but that James had never been able to master. He splashed around, blowing at the bubbles that were slowly disappearing. He heard her spit and rinse her mouth.

"Do you floss, Evans?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Just curious."

"Yes, I floss."

"Me too."

"Well goody, we have something in common," she said with sarcasm. "Are you going to be in there much longer?"

"No, I'm getting out now. No more bubbles, no more fun."

"Towels are right there for you."

"Thank you."

The door shut and James rose from the tub and dried himself off. When he stepped out into her room he was faced with a decision. There she was, curled up in her bed. She had offered him to stay there for the night, but he had told himself he shouldn't. Now that he had the 'situation' under control he had the liberty to consider the matter. If he stayed, it would be like a test of his strength, fortitude, and will power… Resisting temptation and all that. It would be a character building exercise. In fact, if he went back and slept in his own bed it would be taking the easy and cowardly way out.

He crawled into her bed wondering how the hell he had managed to rationalise _that_. Oh well, too late now, he was already in bed.

"So you really are better now?" she asked.

"I look better, don't I?"

"Yes…" she trailed off. "I had an aunt who suffered from panic attacks."

"I didn't have a panic attack."

"But the symptoms were similar. I mean they can happen at any given moment, it doesn't have to be…"

James put a finger to her lips and she ceased talking abruptly. "Goodnight, Lily." She nodded in response, keeping her lips obediently pressed together.

She really didn't get it. He was glad for it but still, seeing her so clueless was an interesting change from the know-it-all she usually was. Panic attacks indeed…

A while later, Lily mumbled something in her sleep that James couldn't understand and she curled tighter into herself. Her face looked troubled and she mumbled something again. He couldn't catch the meaning but it certainly hadn't been a happy sound. She thrashed a bit and let out a muffled cry.

"Shh…" he soothed, putting his hand on the back of her head. He wouldn't wake her if he could help it. "_Nothing's going to happen to you, everything will be fine_," he said stroking her hair. She seemed to calm as she curled up into him. "That's my girl," he said putting an arm around her. This didn't count as giving into temptation because she had been having a nightmare, he told himself.

She stopped twitching all together and stretched out again, no longer in that little ball. She repositioned herself so that her head rested on his shoulder, on arm across his chest and one leg crossed over his. His thumb made small circles on her arm. The skin there, like everywhere else he had touched, was soft. His arm tightened around her and she made a sleepy sort of mumble that he took to be a hum of consent and approval.

"_I love you_," he whispered. He half hoped she heard. He wanted her to know that she was loved. The other half was glad she was asleep, so he wouldn't run the risk of scaring her off and losing her forever. This was probably the only time he could ever be truly honest with both her and himself. He kissed the top of her head. "_So much_."


	39. In Which there is a Dark Decline

**Chapters (4) the next: _In Which There is a Dark Decline _**

She had been sent to Azkaban and she didn't even know why. No one would tell her. She tried to explain that she was innocent, that she hadn't broken any laws, but her cries landed on indifferent ears… that is if Dementors even _had_ ears. She wasn't alone either. She watched as a fellow prisoner's soul was sucked from his mouth, she knew she was next. She was sobbing uncontrollably on the ground when they came for her.

She was too weak to fight back. Soon it would destroy her just as it had done the other prisoners. She went limp in acceptance of her doom when something wonderful and warm appeared. A patronus cantered in, driving the dementors back. She was enfolded in that loving warmth and everything else faded away as she fell into a silver cloud of happiness and love the patronus provided.

Lily awoke feeling utterly content. She gazed at the sleeping man next to her and thought, 'Well that's no wonder.' She had him back. She didn't know what had driven him away or what had made him return, she was just glad he had.

It had taken so much effort to ignore him that past week, by far the most challenging thing she had undertaken that year. It was like a compass point trying to deny North, It could with great effort be done, but only by putting exponentially less powerful metals closer to distract.

She had delved into her schoolwork, spending quality time with Rupert, being extra attentive to her Head duties, working (yet another fruitless weekend) at the Leaky Cauldron, and researching more about what Isaacs had found in her pocket.

She had taken the book fragment to Madame Pince hoping she could identify the volume it belonged to. The loose page only had ingredients and the first part of the brewing instructions. It said nothing about what it actually did, which was the most pressing question. She might not know who they were, but this could give tm a clue as to what they waned.

Madame Pince recognised it at once for she had found an open book on the floor of the restricted section, missing page 411.

Lily returned to page to the book, mending the paper and refixing it back into the binding.

"I know I don't have a note but," she began but the librarian stopped her.

"That's alright. I've been informed to give you access to whatever you want."

"Really? By whom?" Though she thought she could guess.

"Professor Potter said you were working on a long term project for his class that would doubtless require vast amounts of research. He didn't want to have to sign a slip every time you needed a book so he gave you freedom to do as you needed without having to consult him with all the particulars."

"Oh, then this one and any related volumes?" she requested with tentative smile.

She had spent the week studying what the librarian had given her and the results weren't promising. That is to say they were an excellent lead, but in a very worrying direction.

She had even talked to Slughorn at another of his 'gatherings' on Thursday night. She had enquired (subtly of course) if anyone had asked him whether he had in his personal store any of the ingredients for that potion that would be difficult for your average student to procure.

He had told her that no one had approached him, but when she urged him to check to make sure nothing was missing he promised he would, eyeing her inquisitively.

To her disappointment, the next day in class the Potion's teacher informed her that it did in fact appear as if someone had taken some of the ingredients she had mentioned. Her only consolation was that at least they had been denied the unicorn blood. She hoped it would put them off entirely, but she couldn't be sure.

Her sleuthing had led her to a dead end; she was no nearer to finding who it was. She needed to speak to James. The thought that there were more dark wizards, if not necessarily Death Eaters at Hogworts bothered her no end and she hadn't had him or his conversation to soothe or help her work it out. She needed that mind to help her brainstorm.

Now she had him back and she was going to take advantage of it. Well, not at that exact moment because James was still asleep, but soon.

It was then she noticed that it wasn't a pillow upon which her head was resting. She smiled embarrassedly but didn't move. _Couldn't_ in fact, for his arm held her head tight against his shoulder as if he were handling a Quaffle.

'He must be playing Quidditch in his sleep,' she thought amusedly. She only hoped he wouldn't try to pass her head to a team mate or try to score a goal. Playing it safe she carefully pulled her head out of his grasp and got out of bed.

The first thing she did was to find parchment and quill and write a letter to John. She felt incredibly guilty to have put it off this long and wondered how long she would have continued to delay if she hadn't had that disturbing dream about Azkaban.

It was long, longer than she expected it would be. She wrote about the strangest things, but things she hoped might lift his spirits however briefly. She told him jokes she had heard recently, the homework assignments that weren't worth doing, who had been dating who, and who broke up with whom and why. She wrote as if he were just a friend she hadn't seen in a while. She wrote as if he weren't a death eater put in prison for the attempt of her murder. She ignored the glaring obvious and just wrote whatever flowed out of her quill.

She folded the parchment after she blew the ink dry and folded it , putting it away to be sent off with one of the school owls later (she wouldn't send Ebony so far), then went to shower.

One of her towels was on the floor, sopping wet from spilled bathwater. "Men," she said rolling her eyes. She dried it with a quick spell, threw it with the rest of the laundry and stepped in to take her own shower.

x

Even though he didn't have class until 11 that day he didn't mind being woken up early, not like that. If he never had to hear that alarm clock again he'd die a happy man.

She stopped singing when she entered her room towel-clad, grabbed her things and when back in, presumably to change. Why, James didn't know. A towel looked far more fetching than did her school robes, a bit less practical granted. And Lily Evans was alas a practical woman.

James yawned and stretched. "To breakfast then?" he asked when she reappeared a moment later.

"To the kitchens. There is something we need to discuss,"

"Regarding?"

"Polly Abbot and Shannon Isaacs."

"Ah." James remembered vividly the previous Tuesday and had been wondering when he would be allowed to be privy to that caper.

Lily didn't mention Sirius when she began her explanation in the kitchens below. Nor did she mention that they personally found the girls in the forest. Instead she only related that it appeared as if the two girls under the influence of the Imperius Curse had been sent to the forest to collect unicorn blood.

"Are there any students you suspect?"

"Why does it have to be a student?"

"Oh," Lily hadn't considered that. "It doesn't have to be, I just assumed. Sorry."

James waved the apology away with a piece of toast. "Go on,"

"Slughorn reckons that he is missing several ingredients on the list found on Isaacs but he doesn't know who took them. But without the unicorn's blood it will do them no good."

"I'm sure they can still be put to use for other potions,' he said darkly.

Lily heaved a discouraged sigh, acknowledging the point disappointedly. James's eyes shifted awkwardly, trying to think of something positive and beneficial to say.

"All the same, I have about 20 dossiers of possibilities in my office. We aren't lacking suspects."

" 20," she said, sounding exhausted by the mere prospect. "And there is no guarantee he,"

"Or she," James added fairly.

"Or _she_ is among those 20. You don't think it was the same person as before do you? With Mercury's parents?"

"Then they would already have blood and wouldn't need to send two girls to the grounds to fetch it for them."

"There has to be a significance there. Why Abbot and Isaacs unless it was simply a red herring to lead the girls out in to the forest in hopes they wouldn't return, running afoul some danger or fatal accident."

"But why bother to kill that when where there are several simpler methods?"

Lily, irritated, threw her half eaten sausage back onto her plate to keep her half eaten toast company. "Mischief for mischief's sake. Someone is just toying with us," she said crossing her arms in frustration.

James picked the sausage back up and shoved it in her mouth. "Eat."

Lily glared at him (or perhaps it was just at the situation in general) but munched reluctantly. "I'm worried for them. They've been singled out at least twice that we know of. I thought the danger to them would pass after Hogsmeade but whoever is manipulating them lives in or has access to this castle."

"I know," he growled. He knew she didn't mean to but it felt as if she were chiding him for not doing his job properly. He was the auror sent to Hogwarts for this very purpose after all, but with so little to go on what could he do?

"Talk to Dumbledore?" she asked, the obviously implied _please_ in the request made her voice tremble, sliding up half an octave.

He wiped his hands on his robes before putting one atop her head. "I will, but there isn't much more he can do to protect them short of body guards."

"Send them home," she said fervently. "Before anything happens to them. Send. Them. Home…"

xxx

"She suggests sending them home, Professor," said James in Dumbledore's office later that morning.

"I have already suggested it, but both girls decided to stay."

James nodded gravely. "Forgive me for being rude, sir," he began. "But seeing as you know my main reason for being here, why didn't you tell me about this last week?"

"I assume that Miss Evans would tell you," Dumbldore said. James looked at his shoes uncomfortably. "Ah, but I appear to have assumed too much, and now I have made an ass of myself."

"No, Professor. It's my fault," said James quickly, not exactly sure what it was he was apologising for.

xxx

Back in the kitchens for lunch James recounted his meeting in the Headmaster's office.

"They are just sitting targets this way!" Lily exclaimed.

"So are you and _you_ aren't leaving."

"_I_ have no where else to go."

"That's not the reason and you know it. You all have made your decision and there isn't much we can do."

"So we let them go off and wait for them, he, she, it, whoever to make another attempt?"

"You think I'm pleased with this? You think that I enjoy failing to do my job? We don't exactly have much of a choice. I can't bloody well follow them both around every minute of the day."

Lily's eyes widened in sudden epiphany. "Poppy!" she said excitedly.

"What?"

"Poppy!" she said again. "Call her James, bring her here!" The request, however, had been unnecessary for the little house elf had immediately appeared at Lily's side. James recalled with a touch of embarrassment his order to the elf almost a month ago to attend to Lily whenever she asked.

"Yes, Miss?"

"Poppy I have an enormous favour to ask of you," Lily said quickly.

"Poppy is pleased to do anything Miss asks."

Lily froze for a moment, considering. James knew what she was thinking and voiced the question that was so clearly written on her face.

"There are two of them, which one are you going to choose to follow?"

"They are mostly around each other anyway," she said with a mixture of hopefulness and uncertainty. "Poppy, I have a very important job for you. In the Ravenclaw tower, 7th year dorm there is a pretty dark haired girl named Shannon Isaacs. I need you to watch her and her friend, a fair-haired girl name Polly Abbot, very carefully. If anyone casts a spell on her or follows her get either James or I immediately. Also if she starts acting oddly, or leaves her room at night, or if she leaves the castle let us know right way. Do you understand?"

"Poppy understands, Miss."

"Thank you Poppy, we are counting on you."

"Poppy is glad to be of service."

"Oh and Poppy?"

"Yes, Miss?"

"If there is ever anything _I_ can do for_ you_, don't hesitate to ask."

The elves around them that heard this statement looked scandalised and Poppy appeared as if she were about to cry. She didn't, but nodded obediently and disappeared with a crack. James shook his head.

"What?" she asked.

"Only you would think to say that to a house elf. You embarrassed her in front of all the other elves," he whispered.

"I meant what I said. After everything she's done I owe her."

"She's a _house elf_. You don't_ owe_ her anything. The chores you assign are their own rewards for an elf."

"Surely you don't believe that," she said severely.

"I do. They've _said_ as much."

To his surprise Lily turned around and strode out of the kitchens. Confused, James followed.

She was waiting for him just outside the portrait. "What did you do that for? I wasn't finished eating!" he complained.

"You can finish filling your stomach in a minute. We can't have this conversation in front of 100 house elves."

"What's the big deal?"

"It's just that I'm entrusting the safety of two girls' lives for Pity's sake!" Her voice rose to a shout. "It's unfair to ask anyone to make sacrifices for you if you wouldn't do the same for them. What does it say about your pride, honour, character when you depend on someone who can't depend on you?"

Her voice echoed in the corridor and two passing Hufflepuffs (one of whom was in his 7th year class with Lily) stopped to stare. James sighed and hid his face with a hand for what little good it might do. It didn't improve his authority as a teacher any if people saw him being bawled out by his students.

Lily shot them a 'What are _you_ looking at?' glare that reminded him forcibly of Sirius. The girls shuffled off, heads bowed in apologetic embarrassment.

"You are right," he admitted quietly once the girls were safely gone and out of earshot. Although Lily didn't quite understand that house elves weren't people, and therefore didn't expect to be _treated_ like people, he acknowledged that Poppy as an individual deserved much more credit and gratitude than he gave her.

"What?" she asked, both face and voice softening immeasurably.

"I said you are right," he repeated.

"Oh," she said looking adorably stunned. Apparently she had been expecting more of an argument. She had built up so much steam to fight and yet the battle was already won. She seemed almost to shrink visible, like a deflating balloon but without the silly noise. She stared at her feet, one corner of her mouth tugging up.

"Something on your mind, Evans?" he asked with a grin.

She shook her head and reached out a hand to tickle the pear but he grabbed her wrist before she could. "Perhaps you'd like to tell me the truth," he suggested not so subtly. He knew he wasn't keeping anything important from him, but she was so much fun to bully when she was like this, all blushing and awkward.

She looked up to him, her lips by now in a full smile and eyes twinkling with merriment. "I like hearing you say I'm right."

"I'm not trying to flatter you here, but it's not exactly an uncommon occurrence. You don't get straight O's by _not_ being right all the time."

"But this is the first argument I've won in recent memory."

"Ooh, you enjoy winning, do you?" he asked, cocking on eyebrow.

"Who doesn't?" she purred lowly. It felt as if her voice was a velvet gloved hand that stroked the back of his neck. A pleasant shiver ran through him.

"Fancy a duel, then?"

"I'm afraid not. We'll have to confine out battles to wit and words. I made a promise to myself, and like all the others I make I intend to keep it."

"What promise is that?" he asked, brows drawn together in confusion.

"Never to raise my wand against you again."

James considered this. Why had she made such an odd promise and what could it mean?

x

Something wicked flashed in his eyes and his grip on her wrist tightened as he pulled it up, forcing her to stand on the very tips of her toes so that they were more or less on eye level.

"Then don't use your wand," he growled promisingly.

Lily grinned at this unconsidered loophole, opening up tantalising opportunities. Very tempting, but no. She knew what she had meant when she made that vow and she wasn't going to slither out of it. Besides, it had partly been made to _avoid_ delicious situations like this. Her heart couldn't take any more teasing couldn't be trusted with the temptation.

"Clever, but no. I forever refuse to fight you as an opponent. I'll leave that for my enemies, not my friends."

"Just as well," he said letting go of her and putting his hands in his pockets casually. "You would have lost anyway."

Lily raised her eyebrows as James's wand flew out of his robes and fell to the floor with a light clatter. She likewise lifted the man himself off his feet slightly and pushed against the wall, denying him any movement. This only caused him to grin triumphantly.

"Look who decided to fight after all," he said smugly. She released her hold on him, letting him slide back down.

"I wasn't fighting, I was making a point."

"You are treading a fine line, there."

"I know. And at least in _that,_ by now I am an expert," she said enigmatically as she turned to walk away. It was true. In fact, her entire relationship with James might well be considered treading a fine line. They might put a toe or two over that line upon occasion but at least they both managed to maintain their balance.

x

"Where are you going?" he called after her.

"It's time for my favourite class," she called back.

"But you haven't even eaten anything yet," he protested. She shrugged.

"Class is now, but my stomach will still be empty later. I can fill it anytime," she shouted from down the hall before she vanished around the corner.

It wasn't the first time she had employed that kind of logic and he hadn't yet decided whether or not it was sound…

xxx

She allowed her mind to wander during History of Magic that afternoon, letting the drone about Goblin Rebellions breeze over her as she mentally compiled lists of everything she needed or wanted to do. Unfortunately only the last and least important seemed to be within her power. All the others needed more time, more knowledge, or something else that was equally unavailable.

For some reason, her mind seemed to linger on the most esoteric of the lot. That wailing chest she found in the dungeons seemed to be wailing now in her mind. She bit her lip. It really wasn't important and yet she couldn't shake it off her conscious. It was if it had been calling to her, pleading for help. Granted it might be locked up for a reason, but because the reason eluded her she was all the more interested. It was one mystery she could actually solve. All she had to do was open it.

No, all she had to do was convince James or Dumbledore to _let_ her open it. She wasn't about to tackle that mystery all by herself.

That evening Lily found herself in Dumbledore's office. She gave him the book from the Restricted Section of the library that contained the page they had inspected before and reported the favour she had asked of Poppy.

Dumbledore nodded, taking the book and the news placidly.

"And I had a question I'd like to ask,"

"Feel free," he said, putting down the book to look at her. She wished he hadn't. Those blue eyes were too powerful when looking directly at you.

"What would you make of a chest that clearly hasn't been opened for several years but has something alive, howling inside?"

"May I ask what prompted this question?"

"I came across such a chest a while ago. I almost forgot about it due to recent events but it came back to me suddenly today during History of Magic."

"If you aren't busy now, would you mind showing me this chest?" he asked.

"Of course, Professor," she said slightly surprised. She had expected him to shrug it off as James had. She thought that the Headmaster would have many more important things to do with his time than to let Lily drag him to the dungeons to look at a chest.

Dumbledore offered her a lemon drop as the passed the dish on the way out of the office. They both popped on into their respective mouths before heading down the several flights of stairs to the dungeons.

"Yes, it has been shut for a long time it appears. Whatever is inside must have come from the other end," said Dumbledore after inspecting the chest.

"The other end, sir?" she asked curiously.

"This is a travelling cabinet, more commonly referred to as a vanishing cabinet for the objects one puts into it seems to vanish. In reality it simply travels to it's partner chest elsewhere."

"I see," she said, intrigued. "It's not crying now. Do you think it's been freed?"

"Either that or it is still inside, no longer able to wail." Meaning dead, Lily knew.

Without even the slightest trace of fear he opened it. The man, though quite along in years had an appalling energy and confidence that guided every thing he did.

Lily gasped when she saw the inside. It was a sad sight; for all that it was gruesome and reeked of stale death. A small creature lay curled up on its side, stiff and unmoving. A goblin by the look of it, although the flesh had by now already started to putrefy.

Lily put a hand to cover her mouth, not only to block out the smell, but out of shame. She should have done something before now.

Dumbledore's face gave little away, but she didn't imagine she could say the same for her own. Lily forced herself to keep her eyes on it, not to look away, not to vomit at the stench. There were lacerations across what was left of the flesh of its face. The poor thing must have been terribly abused. Well, she didn't need lacerations to know that it had been mistreated, the fact it was dead in a chest was enough of an indication.

"He worked in Gringotts," she stated, noticing the familiar insignia on his robes. She thought it was a he. She had never seen a female goblin, she didn't think.

"His name is Clandart," said Dumbledore softly. "In charge of accounts and vaults."

"I'm sorry, Clandart," she said, knowing that the goblin couldn't hear her. "I should have freed you long ago."

"I need to owl the wizarding bank," he said.

"But who did this? Why?"

"I would imagine someone wanted to gain access to something contained in one of the Gringotts vaults, which they very well may have accomplished."

"But why would they put him in a chest if they thought he could escape the other end?"

"One can only assume that they are not aware it is a travelling cabinet, and that they only put him there to keep him there," he said. He waved his wand and white cloth began to wrap around the poor dead goblin.

"So if you were to close me inside that cabinet, I would reappear in the other?" she asked. Not that she had any real desire to crawl into Clandart's reeking death chamber, but she did want to know who had done it.

"If poor Clandart could have gotten out that end he most certainly would have."

An excellent point, but she had to try again anyway. "Since he died on this end, perhaps they have found him gone and didn't bother to lock it again. It could weeks by now that he's stopped shouting."

"I think not, Miss Evans. It would be unwise. I think our best course of action is to let the owner of the other chest remain ignorant and keep this one locked, as it was before."

"But if someone else is locked inside…" she began.

"Tomorrow it will be moved it to a location where any new cries will not go unnoticed."

Lily didn't asked where that would be, she only assumed he meant his office. She thought back to when she had first found the cabinet weeks ago. She could see now that what she had thought to be nonsensical wailing could very well have been frantic pleading in Gobbledygook.

James wasn't in her common room when she got there. She was disappointedly but slightly pleased. She didn't want to think of how badly she smelled just then. Dumbledore had drawn a beautiful coffin and placed Clandart inside before he excused Lily. She had left him in the dungeons to finish the unpleasant business.

She showered for a second time that day, then soaked in sweet scented water of her tub. She saw her fingers had started to resemble a prune was reminded of Clandart's skin. She quickly slid out of the bathtub and crawled to the toilet just in time to be sick.

No blood. That was good. No food either. That was not. She had forgotten dinner even after she told James she would eat after class. Wanting to see the Headmaster had driven it from her mind and Clandart had driven away her appetite.

She dawned pyjamas and black Hogwarts cloak, then the invisibility cloak over that. She padded up to the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. It was past curfew (only just), but the halls somehow seemed darker and quieter than usual. There were generally a few students rushing about, trying to make it back to their common rooms or teachers and prefects still patrolling around but she encountered not a soul either living or dead on her way up there.

She knocked on his office door. She heard the sound of parchment being hurriedly gathered and tucked away before he answered the door. He opened it a crack, letting his head poke out.

"Evans, it's just you," he said opening the door wide to let her enter. "You startled me with that knock."

"Sorry," she said unfeelingly. She plopped down into 'her' chair as James retrieved the papers he had been working on. She craned her neck to see what it was but the angle was too extreme, so she was forced to rise from the unbelievable comfort she found in the chair to stand next to him. It was a stack of parchment she had thought she had glimpsed once before, but the pictures and names were different. She had seen her own profile last time, and she was under the 'target' category. These were clearly the 20 that James had mentioned earlier that day. Not wanting to appear as if she were deliberately snooping (which she was) she grabbed a stack of what looked like 4th year essays, quill, inkpot, and hardback book from his desk so she could start grading. It seemed as if he had already finished grading most of them, there were only four or five left.

She let James continue with what he was doing, she found she really didn't want to deal with that just now. Maybe tomorrow she would go through the names, just so she would know, but for now, she wanted to relax. Granted most people wouldn't find grading papers relaxing, but she had (against her will) cultivated the habit and now found it a tranquil, calming activity. Her mind had something to focus on (even if it was the dark arts) and there was nothing so rewarding as a job well done. At least she could do _this_ right, even if se couldn't get anything else to work out. She had thought that solving the mystery of that chest would be the one thing she could accomplish. She had accomplished it but far too late.

She heard a shuffling sound approach her so she looked up from her parchment to see James squatting on his feet, scooting towards her in tiny midget steps, clutching something in those big hands of his.

It was a bizarre but amusing sight and Lily allowed herself the smallest of grins.

"Getting there," he said. He opened his hands enough to let something hop out at her, landing on her lap.

She laughed and scooped the chocolate frog up in her hands, taking a bite. Chocolate always makes things better. She sighed as that knot of guilt loosened in her stomach.

"There we go," he said straightening up and returning to his desk. "I knew I could un-scrunch that face."

She smiled gratefully at him before making a final note on the last remaining essay. She stood and stretched.

"What's that?" James enquired loudly, pointing to her stomach. She looked down to see a great red smear across her belly.

"Oh, it's just the red ink," she said removing the stain with a casual wave of her wand.

"For a second there I thought…" He shook his head and didn't finish.

It had been the frog that jostled the inkpot when it landed on her. She eyed her hands; they too had red stains. It was easier to remove those with soap and water rather the complicated spellwork to use on skin. Fabric was one thing, flesh was another.

His bathroom was as untidy as he had left hers. She tried towels and put them away after she washed her hands clean of red ink. She crawled onto the bed and sighed happily. She never realised how stiff and sore she felt until her muscles relaxed into the soft comfort of a chair or bed. She couldn't see James's desk with her head at the head of the bed, so she grabbed a pillow (the firmer one) and curled up in a ball at the foot, where she had a nice view of him bending over his papers at his desk.

She woke up in darkness; the light of his office had been turned off. James was sliding into bed quietly, but the shift in the mattress had jolted her from her sleep. She sat up and crawled back to the other side of the bed taking her pillow with her.

"I thought you were asleep,"

"I was until just now."

"Sorry."

It was silent for a few minutes before Lily spoke. She had promised him she would tell him when something was wrong, and it was easier to speak in the utter darkness with only James to hear her, in the warmth and closeness of his bed.

"James?"

"Hmm?"

"You know that wailing chest from a few weeks ago?"

"Oh Lily leave it, you have more import…"

"There was a goblin named Clandart inside."

"You spoke to him?" he asked, sounding both disapproving and curious at the same time.

"No, alas. He had been dead for a long time."

"I can't believe you opened it," he said, temper starting to creep into his voice.

"I didn't, Dumbledore did," she replied evenly, effectively cooling his temper instantly. She told him all that had happened, everything she had thought, seen and smelled. She told him about the guilt and the regret and the curiosity to know what and who was at the other end. She spoke for over 20 minutes straight, hiding under the blankets all the while, poking him occasionally in his bare stomach, just to feel that reassuring warmth.

x

James tolerated her cowering under the covers. He knew it was easier for her to get things out when she felt hidden and safe.

"Did you vomit?" he asked, although he suspected he knew the answer.

She sounded embarrassed when she replied. "Not at the time. Later. When I was alone."

He put an arm on the mound of blanket under which Lily was hiding. He rubbed her back, or at least the stretch of blanket that covered her back, soothingly.

"What do you want to do?" he asked.

"Dumbledore said he is going to move it to a new place tomorrow, but forbade me from trying to get inside. Well, he didn't forbid me, but it was clear he didn't want me to."

"So it is still there now?" he asked.

"Should be. Are you...?"

"Moody wouldn't want me to ignore this. That chest is a direct link," he said getting out of bed. Lily reappeared from under the covers for the first time that half hour.

James turned on the light and shuffled about for his clothes. He removed his pyjama pants and put on trousers, found an undershirt he had worn the day before and the put back on the collared one he had just taken off. He scanned the floor. Cloak, cloak, where was his cloak?

"Here," she said. She had risen from the bed and was holding out the sought garment to him. He took it and fastened it around him. She followed him silently out to his office, putting on the slippers she had removed by her chair and grabbing the invisibility cloak. She wrapped it around her body so that only her head remained visible. If she wanted to come with him to the dungeons that was fine, but she wasn't going into that chest with him.

He followed her bobbing head out of the office and into the classroom. Once in front of the door they paused as she threw the cloak over him as well. They made there way silently down the 8 flights of stairs and took it off again once inside the dungeon. As he let go of the hand that he hadn't even realised he had been holding he said "You know you aren't coming with me, right?"

"I know. Dumbledore didn't want me to."

"And if _I_ didn't want you to?"

"Things might be different," she replied honestly. He could only thank Dumbledore for expressing his desire for her not to go, and wondered if the headmaster knew some trick he didn't to get Lily to do what she was told.

x

The room no longer stank; neither did the cabinet. Lily assumed they had Dumbledore to thank for that. James undid the lock with a tricky flick of his wand and opened the chest wide. The hinges squeaked loudly, echoing ominously in the dark dungeon.

"**_Don't_** come after me. If I'm not back in," he looked at his watch. "Half an hour, get Dumbledore."

"What, so that he can come down here and not go after you either?"

James frowned. "Fine, apparate to the Ministry and go directly to Moody's office." Noticing that she had no timepiece he removed his and gave it to her. She simply scowled at him.

"But it's nearly one in the morning."

"He'll still be there. At least someone will be. Tell whoever is there what happened and let them decide what to do."

"I don't like this plan," she said.

"Well my dear, you don't have much of a choice," he said crawling into the cabinet.

It wasn't until he heard the click of the latch that he felt the lurch, and then the mighty yank of his entire being through some invisible current. It was too dark to see anything, he just tumbled limb over limb until he toppled out the other side. He scraped his cheek on the ground as he fell onto the street. Wand still clutched in his hand he rose quickly, wheeling around to check in all direction for any danger. It was silent and dark save the one flickering lamppost several meters away. He turned to inspect the chest in the dim light. He saw why he had tumbled out of it like that, it was open and on its side, and like much of the rubbish around it, seemed dilapidated and filthy.

From what he could tell it was just a rubbish heap where people had thrown away their unwanted or unusable items. There was nothing around to tell him where he was. Not a street sign or anything. Only rubbish. Readjusting his invisibility cloak he started off down the deserted street. Nothing. No one. He and the chest had been dumped in the middle of nowhere. No clues. No leads. Nothing.

He kept looking around searching desperately for evidence he knew wasn't there. He sighed resignedly and looked at his wrist, only then remembering he had given his watch to Lily. He didn't know how long he'd been gone, but he thought he had better get back to the castle before she went off to the Ministry.

x

She was pacing and biting her nails, compulsively checking the time every 12 seconds. It seemed to drag by agonisingly.

"Don't go after him. Don't go after him," she repeated as she paced. She was sure the moment she stopped saying it aloud she would plunge headfirst into the chest.

To her indescribable relief he reappeared 22 minutes later. The moment he got out she hurriedly shut in and locked it again, in case he was being pursued.

"Nothing," he said, noticing her actions and what she meant by them.

"What?"

"Nothing. Dead end. Not a shred of useful information other than that whoever put your goblin in there didn't know what he had. I came out in a rubbish heap," he said angrily.

"You're bleeding," she said touching his scraped cheek.

"Rough landing," he supplied softening slightly at this. It tingled wherever her fingertips touched. He didn't know if it was the healing magic or just the feel of her skin against his.

x

When they arrived back in his office he didn't go to bed as she thought, but sat down at his desk and dipped a quill into an inkpot. A drop off ink splattered on the page as he hesitated on what to write.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Paperwork," he said. "Although I doubt much will come of it. Not many people will worry about the murder of a goblin when humans are being killed daily."

"That's so unfair!" she said. "What do non humans have to do to get a little respect?"

"Become human," he answered. Lily slumped sadly. It was so depressing because it was true. She removed his watch from her wrist (it was far too big anyway) and handed it back to him.

"Here," she said.

"Thanks," he replied taking it and putting it back on. He looked at the time. "You'd think that now you didn't have to feed Mercury I could at least get you to bed at a reasonable hour."

"You aren't my mother," she said tersely.

"No, and thank goodness for that. But you do need your sleep."

"So do you," she fired back. She'd be damned if she were going to let him treat her like a child after she'd fought so hard to be treated as an equal. She reflected that if she didn't want to be treated like a child she shouldn't make puerile arguments like 'so do you.'

"Indeed I do. Probably more than you do. I probably appreciate and enjoy it more than you do as well. In fact, not getting enough sleep makes me disagreeable and unpleasant."

"Then why don't you go to bed and leave that until morning?" she asked, knowing the answer already. She knew _she_ certainly wouldn't put off something like that.

"Would if I could. Unfortunately duty calls and I must attend. If I send it off soon, it might be there before morning," he said as he began writing. "I've already sent off one report tonight. Had I known about this sooner I could have sent this one using the same owl. Do you think I could borrow Ebony?"

"If she's around. She might be hunting this time of night. I'll go check." As she was putting on the invisibility cloak she pointed out, "I thought you wanted me to go to bed?"

He shrugged. "Once you've brought me an owl."

She heaved a frustrated sigh when, upon entering her common room, she didn't find Ebony, but Sirius's owl perching on the stand.

"Not you!" she said. She couldn't very well give James Sirius's owl. The elegant bird looked hurt at this less than pleasant greeting and Lily bowed her head guiltily. "Sorry, I didn't mean that. You are a lovely owl," she said taking the note. "Erm… do you think you could find Ebony please?"

It was awkward sending one owl to fetch you another owl but she had no choice. It was a pity too, seeing as Sirius's owl would simply fly back to London anyway, and that's where Ebony would be headed.

Sirius's owl (she wished she knew its name) was flying out just as Ebony flew in. It was a near mid-air collision, and both beautiful black birds screeched at each other unhappily.

"There there," she said to both of them. "No need to be vexed. It was an accident."

They hooted in (what seemed to Lily slightly reluctant) apology to one another. She quickly wrote a reply to Sirius before sending Ebony to James's window, and the other bird to London.

She hurried back to the 7th floor. Ebony would certainly make it back before she did and she didn't want to keep the poor thing hovering outside the window too long. She breezed right past James at his desk ignoring his 'oi!' and crossed directly into his bedroom to open the window.

She couldn't find a way to let Ebony in and keep the frigid air out, so she was forced to let both in. She brought the owl back to James shivering.

"Need any help?" she offered.

"No, thank you though."

She shrugged and left, getting herself snuggling herself deep under the covers. She fell asleep quickly and easily.

When she felt the mattress next to her dip again she woke long enough to squint at the clock before she turned over and fell back asleep. Half past four, the poor thing.

x

James awoke to the sound of his alarm clock. That hell born alarm clock. He wanted to send it back from whence it came.

"Damn you," he said as he knocked it off the bed stand. It was really just a matter principle at that point. He was entirely awake and could have just turned if off, but it was so much more satisfying to send the damned thing crashing to the ground. It wasn't until his feet came into contact with the cold stones of the floor that he realised she was already gone. He noticed when he went into his office a bit later that the files of the 20 were left lying on his desk. She had obviously perused them before she left.

x

When Lily returned to her common room to drop off her bag after dinner she found a strange owl in her room. Her forehead (wrinkled in confusion) smoothed out when she realised it must be a reply from John. She opened the letter only to be inexpressibly disappointed. It was a piece of stationary that had blanks filled in by an indifferent hand.

**Dear correspondent, **

**We regret to inform you that prisoner number **_041697_** named **_John Michaels_ **is deceased. **

**Expired on: **_December 7, **19**78 _

**Kind regards,**

_Azkaban Prison Warden, Marvin Moribund _

Her own letter was enclosed. Returned. Unread.

She sank to the floor. They didn't even say how he had 'expired'. She felt a tear trickle down her cheek and she didn't bother to wipe it away. She wasn't as upset at his death as she was that he died before she had made good her promise. It wasn't a matter of pride, she was sad he was gone but she felt that he died feeling let down by her. Hadn't he said he could use her letters as a bit of happiness before the dementors took it away? Would things be different if she had written to him regularly?

She imagined him shivering in a cell much like she had in her nightmare. Without a single happy memory for comfort nor innocence to cling to. He only had a terrible conscience to weigh on him, slowly eaten away by guilt until he simply gave way to misery and died.

Or was it a dementor that had unlawfully performed the kiss as one had with Walsh? She needed to know. She _had_ to find out.

She rose to her feet (rather wobbly as her legs had the consistency of jelly just then) and went to Dumbledore's office to beg leave to go to the wizard prison. The headmaster had given her liberty to act as she saw fit, but this seemed different. On top of that, she knew neither the way nor the protocol to go about it.

Dumbledore read the brief letter (she hadn't the voice to read it to him herself) and exhaled.

"Hagrid will go with you. He knows the way."

'Yes,' Lily thought grimly. '_He would_.' She left his office thinking unkind things about the justice system and the prison it used.

Hagrid wasn't at home when Lily got there, but she supposed it wouldn't do to set off that very night anyway.

Skipping dinner (she hadn't the stomach for it) she grabbed her things from her common room and left for Potter's office.

He wasn't there. "Still at dinner I expect," she remarked to the empty room. She tried to get comfortable but found it impossible. Everything seemed to rub against her the wrong way. She removed her shoes and stockings, being the most annoying. She tried to undo a few blouse buttons in effort to get more air, but simply removed the entire garment over her head and threw it on the in frustration when the damned tedious things refused to go through their holes.

The final ensemble consisted of a pair of James's pyjama pants (located on his bedroom floor and far too big for her,) her own sleeveless undershirt, and the invisibility cloak which she wrapped over her shoulders. There was nothing uncomfortable about flannel pants and liquid silk.

When James walked in he stopped for a moment in the doorway, opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again shaking his head.

Once he saw sat down, reclining in his chair and propping his feet up lazily on his desk he remarked, "You know it's slightly discomfiting to walk into your own office to see a bodiless floating head."

"Sorry," she sighed. She shrugged off the cloak reluctantly. He eyed his own pyjama pants bemusedly but made no comment.

"I didn't see you at dinner."

"Because I wasn't there."

James cleared his throat. "Yes I know, that was my point."

She didn't reply, not in words. She simply handed him the letter as she had done with the headmaster. He removed his feet from his desk and reached out to take it. His expression darkened as his eyes skimmed the parchment.

He looked at her questioningly but she just shook her head. No, she didn't want to talk about it. He nodded in understanding and pulled a pile of parchment to him, not saying anything. After an hour or two James went to change into his sleepwear, a pair of pants identical to the ones Lily had commandeered.

Lily felt herself slowly feel better in that companionable silence of James's office, but that silence was disturbed when Poppy appeared with a startling crack, but it wasn't nearly as startling as the news she brought.

"Miss Abbot is left her room and is going outside! Poppy is doing what she is told!"

"Thank you, Poppy," said James standing up immediately. Lily followed suit, quickly pulling her cloak around her. It was past curfew so their speedy descent down the castle corridors went relatively unnoticed. Poppy could apparate within Hogwarts, but seeing as James and Lily couldn't the little elf was forced to run alongside the two humans, who had much longer legs and greater strides.

At the 5th floor James simply picked up the house elf and ran with her. Lily's slippers had come off somewhere on the staircase on the sixth floor but she hadn't stopped to pick them up or put them back on.

"There!" the elf pointed once they were outside. Lily's stomach dropped when she saw that the elf wasn't indicating the Forbidden Forest, but the flailing branches of the Whomping Willow. Polly Abbot flew through the air like a rag doll, struck one direction by an enormous branch, only to be smacked back down to the earth by another. There was a sickening crack and a thud when she landed. Lily looked around frantically as she ran towards the deadly tree. She needed something to prod that knot. Nothing, she saw nothing. The willow hit the girl again, sending her back into the whipping branches.

Panicked she tried to dive after the knot, but she was caught round the middle by a thrashing branch. Thrown off her feet, Lily flailed wildly as she flew back and landed on her wrist. It snapped and crunched under her weight and white hot pain shot through her entire arm, blinding her. She tried to sit up and a surge of nausea came over her, tears blurred her vision.

The tree stopped moving. She thought 'James must have just now gotten to the knot,' when she felt something heavy, sticky and warm fall painfully on top of her.

What happened after that was a blur. When she seemed to come to her senses she was sitting in the hospital wing, the arm of Madame Pomfrey was around her shoulders.

'My wrist isn't broken anymore,' she thought, but with that realisation everything else came back to her.

The body that had landed on her wasn't as limp as it had appeared when it was flying through the air. It was stiff and swollen from countless broken bones. At the time the only thing that had registered in Lily's brain (it was only a vague sort of echo from some deep hollow of her soul) was that the body on top of hers was not a live one. It had been bludgeoned to death; the battered and mangled corpse now unrecognisable as the beautiful woman she had once been.

James had rolled Abbot's body off of her, feeling for a pulse that wasn't there. He sent Poppy to fetch the Headmaster and asked Lily if she was alright. She had done nothing but blink dazedly at him, having gone into shock from the pain and having witnessed such a gruesome scene.

James had kept his head. He was more accustomed to ghastly things than she was, but then again the mangled mess of a former friend hadn't fallen on him, which might count for something.

He had still been trying to get her to speak to him when the headmaster arrived. They had a quick discussion in low voices Lily had been too stunned to listen to.

Dumbledore covered Abbot's body with a white sheet produced from nowhere and James gathered Lily up in his arms and all four (or maybe they only counted as three) went to the hospital wing.

James had mumbled things to her the whole way there but his words simply washed over her like water over the stones in a brook. Pleasant babbling sound, but lacking in any meaning or import.

James and Lily reached the hospital wing first and he had placed her on a bed.

"Pomfrey!" he had shouted. The healer appeared and started to say "Potter! Not again," but the reprimand died away in her throat when she saw Lily covered in blood.

"It's," James paused to take a shuddering breath. "Not hers."

Dumbledore then arrived and the mystery of whose blood it was, was instantly solved. Poor Polly was placed in the bed next to hers for Madame Pomfrey to officially inspect.

Lily found herself still staring at that bed now, but the body wasn't there anymore.

"Oh God," she gasped, vomiting into a bucket that had been placed there obviously in expectation of this reaction.

"Poor dear," said Madame Pomfrey comfortingly.

"I'm fine," she said, more to convince herself than the healer.

James and Dumbledore had gone to the headmaster's office to summon the teachers and to send Professor Sprout to go inform the Abbots of what had happened to their eldest daughter.

Lily stood, intent on going to that meeting but Madame Pomfrey stopped her.

"Change into these first, dear," she said handing Lily a pair of pale green hospital wing pyjamas. She looked down at herself. The blood had been cleaned away, but she obeyed anyway. The fabric was stiff and scratchy but she didn't complain. She removed the pants she was wearing to put on the ones the healer gave her and put on the smock like shirt over the one she was already wearing and left.

The room was crowded, sombre and silent when she entered. Silent save the muffled agonised weeping of Mrs. Abbot. Lily suspected it would have been much louder if she hadn't been standing in the "quiet" corner of Dumbledore's office. It was a true testament to the woman's suffering that her grief could be heard even now, despite the enchantment.

Lily saw the Head Boy among them, sitting next to Professor Flitwick, looking a sickly shade of grey.

Her eyes scanned the room and found their target. She went and stood by James who had tucked himself into a back corner, watching. Dumbledore spoke again, a few final words about what would follow the next day. Lily assumed she had missed the most important part of the meeting, but she could guess by the faces of sorrow and fear that Dumbledore had told them the truth. Polina Abbot had been murdered. Under the imperius curse she had been forced to stand in the way of a violent tree until beaten to death.

Lily wondered if Dumbledore had told them of her failure. How she had been too late… again. She had been too late to save Clandart, too late for John, and too late for Polly Abbot. What a remarkable failure she was. She wondered if the dead girl's parents hated her for failing their daughter. Lily was ashamed and looked down, away from the woman wailing away in the corner of the room.

Her fault again. Just as it had been with her parents years ago. It was her fault. If she had done things differently it wouldn't have turned out this way.

She wiped away the tears. James put a hand on her shoulder but she shrugged it off. She didn't deserve to be comforted. She deserved to be beaten. **_She_** deserved to be in that tree, not Polly.

x

'She blames me, and so she should,' James thought after she shrugged away from him. She had pleaded with him to do something to protect the girls but he hadn't. She had begged to have them sent home but he hadn't even tried to argue the point with Dumbledore when the time came. She had done her best, having Poppy watch over them and he had been sceptical and unsupportive. What a fool, what a wretched fool he had been! Wretched fool and wretched failure…

He could have done more, he **should** have.

_Could have, should have, would have._ **_Didn't. _**Now the list of people he had let down seemed endless. Dumbledore, Moody, Lily, the girl's classmates and friends, the girl's family, and most importantly, the girl herself.

He needed to find the one who did this. He would do it if it meant walking around the castle to scan every student he passed with dark detectors.

The meeting concluded and every one marched out at a rather more funereal pace than they had entered. He saw Lily approach the headmaster to apologise (for what he couldn't fathom) before putting a comforting arm around the grief stricken Head Boy.

James left soon after that, he didn't bother to change out of his pyjamas to go to the Ministry. There would be a lot of explaining and paperwork to do.

x

Lily didn't return to her common room, nor did she go to James'. Once she left the Head Boy in front of the portrait hole to his chambers Lily went back to the hospital wing. She couldn't stand the luxurious comfort her own common room provided, nor that reassuring warmth that James's would afford. The hospital wing was uncomfortable and unhappy and that's what she deserved to be.

Madame Pomfrey was still awake when she returned. She guessed she had only been gone a half an hour.

"You can change back into your things now," she offered holding out James's pants.

"They aren't mine," she said waving away the comfortable garment she was unworthy of.

"I know," she said simply. It took Lily longer than it usually would have to decipher what the healer had said and meant with her actions.

Pomfrey knew the pants hadn't been Lily's because James had been wearing the exact same pair. She had only made Lily change to avoid the stigma of being seen in front of all the other teachers wearing the nightwear that clearly belonged to the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor.

She was far too exhausted to explain or to lie. "Trust me, it's not like that," she said heavily trying but not completely succeeding to keep the longing out of her voice.

The healer seemed to hear the unuttered 'unfortunately' that Lily had been thinking and pitied the girl.

She pitied her for all that she had suffered and continued to suffer by not seeing what was entirely obvious to everyone else.

"Where is she?" Lily asked.

Madame Pomfrey turned her head toward the end of the wing. One bed, the farthest from them, had its curtains drawn.

"I'd like to see her," she said, her voice empty and echoing.

Madame Pomfrey debated with herself before nodding and leading Lily to where her fellow classmate lay.

She had been cleaned of blood, Lily noticed, but her face was still bruised and swollen. The hair was the only thing that was really the same, the only beautiful characteristic left. Lily reached out to touch it.

"_I'm sorry,_" she whispered to the hair. "_I'm so sorry._" She shut her eyes tightly, squeezing out a few tears.

x

Everyone was called into the Great hall later that morning for an announcement. The school uniforms had always been black, but that morning it appeared as if everyone had donned mourning attire as if prepared for the funeral they were at this point still ignorant of. But not for long…

Lily didn't envy Dumbledore having to make the sad announcement for the second time that day. Lily's and James' part had thankfully been omitted, but not the heaviest truth of the matter. Grief flowed equally with panic as the weight of it sank in. Lily couldn't help but keep her eyes on Shannon Isaacs who went instantly pale and said not a word to anyone.

Classes were cancelled for the day and a ceremony would be held on the grounds in two hours time for anyone who wanted to attend.

As everyone trudged out of the Great Hall Lily felt a tug at her arm and turned to see Miranda Gasche. Lily raised her eyes questioningly.

"I have something to tell you."

"Yes?" she asked, stopping to let the other students file passed. Gasche waited until the room had mostly emptied before she spoke.

"I know who did it."

Lily blinked as if she had just stepped into the sun after spending hours in a dark room. "I beg your pardon?"

"The one who killed Polly, I know who did it."

She grabbed the Slytherin and sat her down on the nearest bench, Ravenclaw, as it happened. "Tell me everything."

"Dan Quayle. He was bragging about it to me last night in the common room. He thought that since I had dated a man who had tried to kill you it would impress me to hear he had _succeeded_ in killing a mudblood." There was a pause of silence, not of awkward silence because it wasn't in the Slytherin's character to feel awkward, but she added for politeness sake, "His words, not mine."

Lily squinted at the blonde. Could her word be trusted? She wanted to believe her. She wanted justice. She did _not_ want to send a boy to Azkaban on hearsay. Dan Quayle was one of the two Slytherins in 7th year Defence Against the Dark Arts. Lily remembered vividly the form his boggart took, him decrepit and alone. From what Lily remembered from the one night she spent in the Slytherin boys' dormitory Quayle didn't get on with the Death Eaters he lived with. Quayle had been on the list of James's 20, but so had all the older Slytherin boys. He wasn't the first person Lily would have suspected.

"I didn't think he was serious," Gasche explained. "I thought he was just saying things to try to win me over." Somehow her voice still contained that listless drawl, even though her eyes showed otherwise. Lily decided that was just how she spoke and had no bearing on what the girl was actually feeling.

"Would you be willing to take verituserum and say that in front of others?"

"I would."

Gasche jumped back in surprise as Lily sent an enormous silver doe flying from her wand. "James, Dumbledore's office. Quick as can be." The doe bounded off as she grabbed the stunned Slytherin's robe sleeve and strode quickly for the double doors. "Come, let's catch him."

Lily dragged Miranda by the arm hurrying to catch the Headmaster before he left.

"Professor!" she called after him. Dumbledore stopped and turned around.

"Miss Evans?"

"I wonder if we might speak in your office. Perhaps it would be beneficial to bring Professor Slughorn as well. And verituserum."

This statement seemed to alert Dumbledore as to the importance of the situation.

"Take Miss Gasche to my office. Professor Slughorn and I will be along directly."

"Yes sir."

James was already pacing there pacing when they arrived.

"Lily! What's wrong?"

"Everything's fine. We just have to wait for Dumbledore and Slughorn."

"For what?"

"To find out if Dan Quayle really did kill Polly Abbot."

"What!"

"Now James don't get too excited. Even if we use verituserum on Quayle it still won't hold up in court.

"He won't ever make it to court and the dementors won't care either way," he said with a sort of furious glee.

"James!" she said shocked.

"Lily we've been through this before! There are too many cracks in the system right now that these bastards can slip through. I don't know about you but so long as I know he's guilty I'd happily send him to the dementors to have them suck out his soul… if he even has one."

"You're not being fair!" she shouted at him.

"Neither was Abbot being killed!" he shouted back. Lily couldn't reply immediately. She started shaking, not in rage or sadness, more in a kind of desperation.

"Two wrongs don't make a right," she said, her voice much more subdued. James put a hand on each of her shoulders to stop their trembling.

"I know," he said quietly in a more soothing tone. "But letting a murderer go free due to a legal loophole isn't right either. Yes?"

She couldn't look up at him, but she nodded.

"And you don't want her killer to kill anyone else, do you?"

Still keeping her eyes turned away she shook her head. No, she certainly didn't want anyone else to die. Perhaps she was being childish. She couldn't afford to be so idealistic. He was right. If they could prove it to themselves and knew the truth personally, there was no need to lose sleep over it. Justice didn't always work out on paper.

When she finally did look up at him his eyes were searching her face, hoping for something. Acknowledgement, perhaps. She gave him a weak grin; it was the best she could manage just then. He smiled weakly back.

"That's my girl," he said bringing his forehead to hers.

"Ahem."

The way Lily quickly jumped with a look of shock on her face might have led one to think that James had slapped her.

In a valiant attempt to save the situation and pretend they _hadn't_ forgotten they weren't alone in the room, James cleared his throat and in his best professional voice said, "Might have to take both of you back to Headquarters after this."

"Headquarters?" the blonde asked dubiously.

"Yes, I'm the auror assigned to this case."

"Auror?"

"I thought you weren't supposed to disclose that to anyone," said Lily.

"New tactic. Moody and I discussed it last night after… everything. He thinks perhaps if it's known there is a dark wizard catcher on campus it might erm, dissuade future attempts."

"Worth a try so long as you don't become a target."

"Better me than you."

Lily's mouth was open, ready to reply along the lines of 'just because you are ministry trained and certified doesn't give you any more right to die for a cause,' but the entrance of Dumbledore and the Potion's master stopped her speech.

They got right to it. Gasche was asked to take a seat before imbibing a drop of the liquid honesty Slughorn provided.

"What did Dan Quayle do to Polina Abbot?" Dumbledore asked evenly. When she replied her voice was flatter, but still drawled as if bored even with the truth.

"He told me that he had cursed her in the library. The imperius curse. He laughed and said he'd be surprised if she survived til morning."

"Did he mention how she was to die?"

"No."

"What happened after that?"

"He said that he would succeed where the others failed. He said he wouldn't fail to kill this mudblood and laughed again." James twitched angrily at the word 'mudblood' but Lily put a hand on his knee to pacify him.

"Did he say anything else?"

"He asked me to go up to his room with him. He had it to himself now the others were gone. I declined."

The interview seemed over and James lost no time getting to his feet. "Professor, may I get Quayle and bring him back here for questioning?"

The headmaster considered James over his half moon spectacles, wondering if the heated man was the best for the job at the moment. He finally nodded agreement and James strode toward the door. He stopped and turned around to give Lily an exasperated look.

"Are you coming or not, Evans?" he said impatiently.

"Oh," she said immediately getting to her feet to join him.

They were to search the Slytherin common room and dorms first, failing that they would split up to look for him. They entered the 'snake pit' as James had put it, with him under his invisibility cloak.

Quayle was lounging on one of the plush green sofas apparently enjoying this day off from lessons. He and many others looked startled to see the fiery red headed Gryffindor callously invade the sanctity of the Slytherin common room.

"Could I have a word, Quayle? Outside," she said politely.

"What about?" he spat, clearly displeased with the idea.

"I'll tell you outside," she said, not wanting to make a bigger scene than they already were.

"No, _Evans_." His face contorted when he pronounced her name as if it left a bitter taste in his mouth. "You may not have a word."

"I insist," she said through gritted teeth, though still managing to keep her tone light. "I just want to ask you a few questions."

His eyes narrowed angrily. "Look here, Evans. I don't care if you're head girl, you can't barge into my common room and start ordering me about."

She stopped pretending to be polite. "Come with me now and answer a few questions or else."

"Or else what?" he sneered.

James whipped off the cloak. "Or else I'll take you back to auror headquarters and do it, and believe me Evans is a much gentler interrogator than my lot," he said with a smile far more frightening than any glare.

Quayle made a reach for his wand but it was out of his hand and in Lily's before he had the chance to do anything with it.

"Come now, you don't need a wand to answer questions," she said sweetly. James walked past her to point his wand directly at the boy's chest.

"Up. Now," he said firmly. Lily came to stand beside him, brandishing her wand threateningly as well.

"We won't ask again," she added.

Quayle looked from Potter to Evans, both with identical expressions of intimating determination.

He grudgingly rose to his feet mumbling "Damned mudblood."

There was a shot of red light and Quayle fell to the ground, hitting his head on the table beside the sofa.

Lily whirled on James, fixing him with a disapproving glare.

"It was an accident," he said coldly, giving an indifferent shrug of his shoulders.

"Accident my wand," she said bending over the unconscious boy to fix the bleeding cut on his forehead.

"In the same way he _accidentally_ called you a mudblood," he said casually, flicking his wand so that the boy's arms and legs were bound and lifted him into the air. 'So done with deliberate malice then,' she thought. It was hard, however, to be angry with him for acting that way when he had been incensed on her behalf to do so.

They arrived back in Dumbledore's office just as Moody appeared out of the fireplace. Gasche was asked to step out of the range of vision and the boy was 'enervated' and made to drink the verituserum as well.

"Did you kill Polina Abbot?" Moody asked.

"No, the tree did," he said smugly.

"Did you force her to stand in harm's way in the deliberate attempt to hurt or kill her?" Lily clarified.

"Yes."

"Why?" James fired at him.

"Why? To get rid of the mudbloods! Walsh and Michaels failed and they were accepted by the dark lord. I knew if that I accomplished this then the dark lord would accept me too into his ranks."

"You _knew_ they were death eaters?" Lily asked.

"Of course I knew," he spat. "They were constantly rubbing it in my face that they belonged and I did not. Just because their fathers were death eaters doesn't mean they would serve the dark lord better than **me**," he said sourly.

"Do you know of any other Death Eaters at Hogwarts?" James enquired.

"No. Only those fools I was suffered to share my dorm with."

"No, there aren't any others at Hogwarts or no, you don't know if there are or not?" Lily asked.

"I don't know."

Lily and James looked to each other, finished with their line of questioning, then turned to Dumbledore and Moody inviting them to add anything.

"That's enough for me Dumbledore," Moody growled. "I'm sold. With your permission I'll take him back to London."

He nodded in morose approval. Quayle was stunned again and Lily got up to hand over the boy's wand to the head auror. "The ministry will want to break this," she said handing it to him.

"Ay, thank you," he replied taking it and tossing Quayle's body unceremoniously into the fireplace which earned him disapproving looks from the Headmaster and Head Girl. Moody pretended not to notice and turned to James instead. "Coming Potter?"

"After the ceremony, I think," James replied. Moody have him a stiff nod before flooing away in a flash of green fire.

"We make a good team, don't we Red," said James after they left Dumbledore's office to head for the kitchens.

"A damned good team," she agreed. James smiled and rumpled her hair, but the smile faded as they past a group of sobbing girls. They had felt better having accomplished catching the killer so quickly, but that didn't negate the fact that Abbot was dead.

"We messed up, didn't we?" she said sadly once they entered the kitchens.

"Yeah," he agreed. "We did, but we can't use that as an excuse to give up. We will make things better."

"Merlin, I hope so…"

xxx

It was perverse, Lily thought, to have the funeral in view of the willow, which was now deceptively placid. It didn't move but for the wind that breezed through it, as if it were any other tree. Despite their fear and despite the cold, most of the students attended. Nearly all brought with them a lily, the flower of death and mourning. She had brought two, seeing as she would be visiting _two_ graves that day.

Lily stood in the front in between Shannon Isaacs and Miranda Gasche. She watched the family as Dumbledore made another speech. The Abbots were grouped in a tight bunch, the mother holding tightly onto her only remaining child, a third year belonging to the same house her sister had been such a credit to. She even had that same honeyed hair.

Afterwards the students came and placed their flowers on the closed casket and left, either to walk around the lake or to return to cower in their dorms.

She had been working up the courage to speak to the family, to apologise. She spotted James who had been standing in a line with all the other teachers. When she caught his eye he automatically came to her, giving her that extra boost of courage she needed. She could feel his warmth as he stood behind her, blocking the icy wind that blew off the lake.

"Mr. and Mrs. Abbot?" she began. The two parents looked towards her and she continued. "Erm, my name is Lily Evans and I just wanted to say how sorry I am." Lily kicked herself. She probably sounded like every other person who had come to give their condolences. She wasn't saying she felt sorry for their loss (though she did). She was trying to apologise for being responsible in part for it. "I tried, but,"

"Oh Lily, of course," Mrs. Abbot said. "Polly told us about the dangerous risk you took for her. We are very grateful, as was she."

"No, that's not it! I didn't stop them. I knew someone was after her but I couldn't…"

"So did she," said her father who was slightly more composed than either of the women present. "Thank you for doing what you could, and for being so faithful."

Lily had no idea what kind words Polly had said about her to her parents but she was certain she didn't deserve them.

James put a hand on her shoulder. "Come on."

She gave them one of the lilies to place on Polly's grave once she had been buried and James walked her away from it all.

"Take me to Hagrid," she said.

"He's right there," James replied. Sure enough the half giant was standing not too far away. "I have to go to work, but..."

"I'll be fine here, thanks."

James nodded and walked off towards Hogsmeade where he would apparate to London.

"Come, Hagrid. I must go somewhere and I need you to show me the way."


	40. Azkaban

**_Chapter 40: Azkaban_**

"No, I won't ask you to come in with me. You can wait for me here," Lily said to Hagrid. The small island was wet and the rocks leading up to the austere fortress were slippery. It wasn't raining, but the sea water blown by the high winds soaked her to the bone.

It was colder inside than it was outside. Her teeth started chattering and she could see her breath. The effect of the dementors, she had no doubt. If she hadn't just come from a funeral she might have felt a sink in her mood, but since she was already miserable there wasn't that much of a change.

"Erm… Excuse me!" she shouted to the empty foyer. It was made entirely of grey stone. There was no colour whatsoever apart from a spot of green moss that grew in the damp cornerstones. She looked around for some sign of life. There seemed to be nothing but the antechamber, leading into a long corridor that extended so far she couldn't see the end. It simply faded into blackness.

"Mr. Moribund?" she tried again. Nothing. She took a few hesitant steps forward, her footsteps echoed eerily. Seeing as there was no where else to go but straight, she did so.

She became more unnerved with every step and she clutched the lily close to her chest. It shouldn't be this quiet, this lifeless.

She shrieked loudly when a dementor came swooping past, stopping to drain her before continuing on.

She had been wrong. She _could_ feel worse. She had to lean up against the wall for support, but her legs suddenly gave way and she collapsed to the ground, banging her knees painfully on the stone floor. She felt like the dementor had sucked out her strength as well as any happiness that lingered there imperceptibly. She hadn't felt the happiness when it was there, but she felt its absence, _unbearably_. It was if she were watching her parents' murder again, her final conversation with Petunia, Polly's dead body on top of hers. She felt that death smear, remnant of the cursed necklace tugging more heavily on her soul that it ever had before. She felt like she was being pulled into that darkness and no one was there to pull her back this time. What she wouldn't give to have James standing beside her. That warmth, that comfort would make all the difference.

The thought of James sparked something inside of her. Rekindling a flame in her that the dementor had extinguished. She used that tiny bit she had to conjure a patronus, which she would keep by her between her and any more dementors.

A man with a terribly pallid complexion and sweeping black robes seemed to appear from out of nowhere, descending upon her with his wand out and ready to use. Seeing Lily he stopped and lowered his wand.

"You must be the Hogwarts student Dumbledore wrote about."

"You must be Moribund," she replied with assurance. His name suited him, he looked like he had a foot in the grave already.

It had been Lily's patronus that had alerted him. In fact any spells at all triggered an alarm that alerted the warden, but of course Lily didn't find that out until later.

"I am."

"My name is Lily Evans. I came to ask you about one of the prisoners." '_Former prisoners_,' she sadly corrected herself in her mind.

"Why don't we move to my office, there will be another sweep soon."

"Sweep?" she asked, but the man didn't respond. He walked off down the hall quickly, not waiting to see if Lily followed.

Suddenly he made a sharp turn to the right. Lily was sure he would collide with the wall but he passed right through, just as if this were some grey hellish perversion of Platform 9 ¾.

Lucky for Lily she had conjured a patronus, because she didn't make it out of the corridor in time for the next 'sweep'. Protected from the dementor this time, she didn't feel it's effect _quite_ so strongly.

She hurried into the wall after Moribund, whose cloak she only glimpsed before it disappeared around the corner. The man's office was grey as well, grey filing cabinets, a grey desk, grey walls. There were no decorations, nothing which would give even the least bit of cheer.

"Now, what was it you wanted?"

"I was wondering about a prisoner named Michaels. John Michaels."

"Michaels... Michaels...You don't know his number?" he asked as he opened the cabinet on the right and starting flipping through it.

"Sorry, he was a person to me, not a file," she said acerbically. Dementors might steal cheer, but they had little effect on righteous indignation, apparently.

"_Was_. So he's dead then," he said, not blinking an eye at Lily's harshness but simply moving to a different file cabinet. "Ah ha! 041697, Michaels. Yes here it is," he said opening the folder and perusing it. He squinted at what he read then looked up at her suspiciously. "What did you say your name was?"

"Lily Evans," she replied impatiently. "And yes, I'll be in there as the one he was sent to prison for trying to kill."

"So I see. Why are you here, then?"

"I came to enquire after him."

"Not much to enquire about is there? He's dead."

"Yes I know that, but how? A dementor?"

"Dementors only suck out the soul, no he was... ah yes, killed by his fellow prisoners," he said reading from the page in front of him.

"What?"

Moribund handed her the file to read for herself. She read it as quickly as her eyes could move, but it took a moment longer for her brain to process it. _No one_ deserved _that_. Especially not him.

"I can't believe it..."

"I'm not surprised. That sort of thing happens you know. More often than you'd think."

"Where," she had to swallow and clear her throat, for it felt as if something large was suddenly stuck there. "Where... is he?"

"With all the others."

"Can you show me?"

"It's nothing special to look at."

"I didn't come here to _sight see_."

Moribund took in the mourning flower and tilted his head in acknowledgment.

"In..." he looked at his watch. "3 minutes. It will be safe to go. Though why you want to visit the grave of someone who tried to kill you, I don't understand."

"He didn't try to _kill_ me he tried to _save_ me," she said sadly. The man's brow furrowed.

"But it says," he started but Lily cut him off.

"I know what it says, but if his case had ever made it to trial..."

She couldn't go on. If his case had ever made it to trial, the truth became known, and he was set free then he would _still_ have been killed. She no longer felt as guilty for not writing, but she would have preferred to carry that guilt if it meant John would have been spared his fate. Lily could think of no more painful death, emotionally painful, not physically. To die at the hands of... it was just impossible to believe. _How could anyone be that heartless?_

They had to traverse the entire length of the prison, passing by numerous cells. Many had either lost their wits or will to live. They sat in puddles of their own filth, the plates of food before them untouched, their unfocused eyes either vacant or filled with a kind of grief that has no name. She wondered as she walked by them all what they had done to deserve this. Her mind jumped to Hagrid and John and wondered if these prisoners even deserved to be there at all.

Upon seeing Lily (any face that wasn't a cell mate, the prison warden, or a dementor was a friendly one) a man crawled on his hands and knees to his cell door, his wild eyes staring desperately at her. Perhaps this was another whose mind had been claimed by madness.

He clung to the bars, trying to pull himself up but failing, lacking the strength.

"I'm innocent!" he cried. "Please! Girl! I'm innocent!"

"I can't do anything for you," she replied. She couldn't do much for anyone, as she had already proved, she thought morosely. It was difficult _not_ to think morosely in this place. Dementors were everywhere and she hadn't been allowed her patronus or her wand when going into this part of the prison.

"Just say that you believe me. **Someone **_has_ to believe me! Please!"

"I _do _believe you," she replied. She meant it too. She reached into her pocket for the bar of chocolate. She had taken it from the kitchens that morning to have once she left Azkaban but instead she slipped it between the bars to him.

She could always find more chocolate and happiness at Hogwarts. This would probably be the last time this poor man would see either of those things for the rest of his life.

Lily had already turned away when she heard the man start sobbing. She walked on, not turning back. She didn't want to look.

Moribund led her outside, the exact opposite end from where she had entered and from where Hagrid waited for her. It wasn't exactly a grave yard. There were no headstones, only a great expanse of dirt and rocky soil.

"Here it is," said Moribund. There would have been no way to tell where John lay, except that this mound of dirt was the freshest, having been recently taken from the earth and replaced, as if someone had been planning on planting something there to grow, rather than placing bodies there to rot, forgotten.

Lily felt as if the necklace were pulling her down to the earth, urging her to join those below her.

She said a few words under her breath so that Moribund wouldn't hear. She had met someone with only half a soul, and just today seen men without souls, but Moribund was the first person she had met with an entire soul, but completely hollow. She supposed they would need someone like that to manage this place, but he was unworthy to hear the words she uttered to the earth. She placed the lily atop John's resting place and turned around to go back in but the moment the door closed behind them it blew away.

She must have looked sick or faint when she got back to the boat because Hagrid grabbed her arm to steady her and picked her up entirely and placed her in the dingy. She wanted to tell Hagrid how sorry she was that he ever had to spend time there, but the words just couldn't come out. They sounded so pathetic even to her. She had been there only an hour. How long had Hagrid been forced to stay there? Her suffering couldn't compare to what his must have been. How could she presume to sympathise?

She only said, "I'm sorry to have brought you here Hagrid. Let's go back where we belong."

It took several hours to get back to the castle, just as it had taken several hours to get there. It could have been a faster trip with someone other than Hagrid, who was allowed to do magic, but she really wouldn't have wanted it to be anyone else. Even though she had wanted James when faced with the dementors she felt somehow it would be wrong to bring him there. She wasn't 'with' James so the time she had spent with John hadn't been cheating but that's how it felt now. It was if she were ignoring the needs of the living and breathing to visit the other, who would never even know she had been there. It was obvious whose needs were greater but the weight of John's death was heavier on her chest.

It was dark when they finally made it back to Hogwarts. Mercury wasn't at Hagrid's when they passed so they continued up to the castle doors. Lily made her excuses, being too exhausted to visit with him but promised she would soon.

She had classes tomorrow, she thought numbly. How could something so normal be taking place? She supposed that things must continue, and people would have to move on. _She'd_ have to move on. As James said, they couldn't let this stop them. If she let it get to her then Voldemort wins. It was what he wanted.

She changed into her pyjamas and resolutely pulled parchment and quill to her. She would carry on as usual and do this essay...

The page remained blank, no matter how long she stared at it. She sighed. It was no good. It was too soon. She wasn't strong enough, she wished she were. She was angry for letting it get the best of her but what else could she do? She didn't have the strength to go it alone, she depended on other people to be strong for her, with her. When left on her own she only fell into her own dark thoughts, where she would stew and drown. She hated being so weak when she wanted nothing more than to be strong.

She went out into the hall, her bare feet freezing on the cold stones. Her slippers had been lost the night before and when she tried summoning only one appeared. She had no idea what might prevent one but allow the other but she put the slipper on the ground before her and did her best to reproduce it. It was a careless copy, but slapdash or not it would keep her foot from going numb.

James wasn't in his office when she got there. 'Still working away in London,' she thought regretfully. Her stomach churned unhappily, then the churning turned into a stabbing pain. It could have been any number of reasons but she decided she'd try the easiest remedy first, hopefully killing two birds with one stone, or rather two pains with one chocolate frog.

She had hoped that the frog would ease her hunger and the unease that hadn't left her since Azkaban. She went to the chest she knew contained his sweets and withdrew one. She unwrapped it and was going to put it in her mouth, but the bile reached there first.

She tried swallowing back down it at first, but she choked on it painfully as more tried to come up. She stumbled the few steps to the bathroom and for the second time that day dropped painfully to her knees.

It hurt coming up. There was nothing in her it but acid and it burned the entire path from her stomach to her mouth and nose.

It was then that she broke. Truly broke. Crying wouldn't describe what she did although the tears did fall in torrents. She _howled_ in misery she could no longer contain.

x

James went straight to Lily's room when he got off work late that night. He tried not to worry when he didn't find her there, for there were several harmless other places she could be. She might be talking to Hagrid, in Dumbledore's office, or reflecting in the Astronomy tower. He thought the last one was entirely possible. She might be wanting a bit of peace this night after the day she had.

He'd give her a bit more time before he brought her back, he thought as he yanked of his tie. He had already shrugged off his cloak in the hallway and was working on his shirt buttons as he kicked his office door open with his foot.

He had one arm out of its sleve when he froze to listen to the heart wrentching sobs echoing from the other room.

One might think that he would have raced to the bathroom immediately to help her but he didn't. His steps were slow and unsteady as he tried to prepare himself for what he would see. He knew how painful it was going to be to see her suffering.

He stood for a moment in the bathroom doorway. 'Yep,' he thought. It hurt like hell. She was hugging the toilet, convulsing by the powerful sobs.

"Oh Lily..." he said sadly, lowering himself to the floor to pull her into him. She didn't cling to him this time as she had in the past; she lay limply in his lap. He didn't know what to say to comfort her because he didn't know why she was upset. There were a number of possible reasons and he didn't know which (ones) it might be. Was it pain? Polly? Something new or something long past?

"Talk to me," he urged.

He could barely make out her words, she could only get a few out at a time between great shuddering sobs. "He was… strangled… by… his own _parents_!" She continued bawling, unable to say anything else intelligible.

He rocked her back and forth as he would a distraught child, holding her there on the bathroom floor. He didn't say anything; he just held her until the sobs subsided enough for her to go on. He reached out an arm to the bath and turned on the warm tap.

She had calmed a bit, though her speech was still regularly interupted by sniffles and hicups.

"I... don't ever... want to see... dementors... again," she said. "They hit me pretty hard."

"Dementors?" he said worriedly. "Where?"

"Where else?"

"Azkaban?" he asked in disbelief.

She nodded. "I had to find out what happened to John."

It clicked. It was Michaels who had been starngled to death by his parents, probably for his betrayal. "You know it wasn't your fault, yes? It was only because he was a better man."

"But his _parents_. The people who are supposed to love you no matter what. It's just wrong. Imagine the last thing you ever see are the two people who should love you most looking down on you, hating you so much they want you dead and knowing they will soon get their wish," she said through chattering teeth. James reached over and turned off the tap.

"Go on, hop in the bath and wash yourself up. It will warm you."

James looked away as she undressed and got in. When he heard the bath curtain close again he turned around to start cleaning up the mess. There was a lot of it. After 'sourgify'ing the toilet a second time he turned towards the bath and asked, "Do you mind if I erm... use the toilet?"

"Go right ahead."

x

Why should she care? It wasn't as if he would be pissing in her bathwater. Speaking of the water it was quite hot and yet she continued to shiver.

"It's still freezing," she said.

"I could have sworn I turned on the hot tap," said a puzzled James after he flushed.

"You did. I think I´m cold on the inside somehow."

"Have you had chocolate?"

"No. Opened a frog but it will have hopped away somewhere by now."

x

He washed his hands and stepped into his bedroom looking for the escaped amphibian. He found it (in a shoe) but got another one from the trunk. Girls tended to be picky about these kinds of things so he popped the already unwrapped one into his mouth.

"I've got a frog for you," he said upon reentering the bathroom.

"The one on the floor?"

"No. New one."

She reached out a dripping arm from between the curtain and the wall and he placed it in her hand. She withdrew it and James listened to the sound of her openeing it.

"Who is it?"

"Agrippa," she said handing it back to him.

He took it. "Feel better?"

"A bit, yeah."

"Can you tell me what happened?" he asked sitting down on the floor, his lower back against the tub.

There was a bit of splashing about and James wondered if she were playing with the bubbly water to stall for time or if she was just trying to find the words.

"I almost took it off. I thought it would drag me back into the darkness again," she said, the continued on with what had followed and preceded it.

Was it the necklace itself that had done it or had the dementors simply forced her to relive its effects? He desperately hoped it was the latter. He didn't know what he would do if the curse had reasserted itself, strengthened its grip on her already death smeared soul.

"Can you still feel it? The necklace, the darkness I mean." He didn't want to use the word _curse_.

"Yes. It's a bit stronger now. I can feel it, closer to… consciousness than before." James forebore to groan in sadness, he didn't want to upset the girl worse. "I think it might lessen… in time. Fade away if I can move on."

"What will that take?" She merely had to name it and he would do it.

"Time," she replied. "Laughter, warmth. Merlin I'm so cold. I need to make more happy memories."

"Well that's doable," he said, relieved at this.

"I didn't say it wasn't."

"No, I know that. I just," he paused for a moment. "I didn't think it was going to be that easy. You just need to have a good time, and those are easily had."

"Easy for you, perhaps. You are a marauder, having a good time comes natually to you. You four are like the like mischevous musketeers, 'All for fun and fun for all' could have been your battlecry."

James chuckled at this. That _should_ have been their motto in retrospect. "Actually it was 'I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good,' but I suppose that is tantamount." He smiled at the memory. He wished they hadn't lost that map. It had taken so long to make and it had been such impressive magic he was _still_ proud of it.

"I will do my best to at any rate," she said. Her hand reappeared from behind the curtain, palm upwards toward the ceiling. What was he supposed to do?

He was just about to take it in his own when a towel flew into it with a gentle_ thump_. The hand and towel disappeared back behind the curtain. James was torn between exhaling in sadness and laughing at his own ridiculousness so he settled for an amused sigh.

x

As Lily watched her bathwater drain she felt that perhaps a bit of her melancholia drained away with it. James was leaning on one of the bedposts when she entered the room.

"To the kitchens then?"

"I don't think so."

"Lily, look at yourself. You've lost an entire stone since your birthday."

"James, not right now, please. My stomach and throat are burned raw and I'm too exhausted to do anything that doesn't involve collapsing in a heap."

James's lips twitched up in a smirk. "That limits your activites quite a bit."

"I'd say so."

"Feel free to collapse there if you like," he said pointing to the bed. "I have work to do."

"But you were at the ministry all day!"

"Yes, but I still have lectures I have neglected to plan for tomorrow," he said ruffling her hair. "Sleep well, Red."

The scratching of his quill and the flipping of pages in books was a lovely sound. It harmonised nicely with the other sounds, like the way he would periodically clear his throat. It was a little symphony all on its own and it lulled her to sleep.

She woke up sooner than she would have by the sound of the door shutting, blocking out further symphonies. Curious, she got out of bed and put her ear to the door. James was speaking.

"I won't lie, I've been better," came James muffled voice through the door. Sirius's voice came next. Lily groaned. She had been supposed to meet Sirius in the astronomy tower. She didn't know what time it was now but she knew she must be hours late. How long had he waited?

"And Lily?" he asked, trying to sound casual, but there was a touch of worry mixed with irritation.

"Even worse. When I got back tonight I found her in my collapsed in my bathroom. How can a girl her size who eats absolutely nothing can produce such quantities of vomit, I don't know. She's passed out in the other room now."

"What happened?" Lily's heart twisted a bit when she heard that Sirius no longer sounded annoyed, only concerned.

James went into the entire story starting from Tuesday morning. It was strange, listening to it all from _his_ point of view. He thought she blamed him for Polly's death, he had had a terrible time that evening in the ministry. He had been called out to the scene and made another arrest that very evening. Then the strangest of all was listening to James tell Sirius about her curse.

"I'm tempted to take it back to the ministry and have them look at it, just to make sure."

"There is an easier way to test that," said Sirius.

"I'm _not_ doing that to her."

"It's the only way to really know. How can you be sure what the ministry says? Incompetent fools that they are."

"You didn't see her. I am not putting her face to face with another dementor for the sake of magical research."

"Don't you want to know?"

"Of course I do, but what good would that knowledge do either way? It wouldn't change the situation at all. If she's cursed, she's cursed and nothing can be done about it. If it was the dementor then it was the dementor, and she will continue to be affected the way she is. Making her go through all that again just to satisfy my curiosity is not something I'm about to do."

Lily felt the necklace with her fingertips. No, _it_ wasn't cured, only _she_ was. The necklace was only enchanted with the spells James himself had put on it. It had been the dementors that had brought her down. Why hadn't he just asked her? Did he think she couldn't handle it? Did he think he was sparing her something?

"You think the boy really cared for her?" Sirius enquired offhandedly.

"No. I don't know. Possibly. Probably."

"Well which one is it?"

"I don't know. What does it matter?"

"And did she care for him?"

"I don't know! Stop asking questions."

"Just curious. I mean if she went all the way to Azkaban to visit his grave…"

"The boy tried to save her life, it was the least she could do."

Lily sighed with relief. He understood.

Not wanting to wait until they might end their conversation Lily opened the door and stepped out into the office and said in a loud voice (just to make sure Sirius would hear) "I'm feeling better now," she lied. "I'm going to Astronomy tower for a bit."

"You are not. If you are going anywhere it's to the kitchens."

Lily considered this. Sirius had obviously heard this so she replied "alright, I'm off then. You want me to bring you anything back?"

"No," he said tossing her the cloak. She caught it and he changed his mind, "Yes. Yes, bring me back something. Anything."

"You just want to assurance that I go to the kitchens and not the tower."

He shrugged. "You don't have the best record when it comes to being where you are supposed to be. Just make sure the assurance is warm and tasty."

She donned the cloak and tiptoed out, stopping to listen at the door after she shut it.

"Shut it, Sirius. I don't want to hear another word about it. I'm not kidding."

"Alright, alright. I spoil you, you know."

"Spoil indeed. I'd hate to be one of the poor bastards you punished."

"Luckily for you, you'll never have to be."

Lily smiled at their loving banter and wondered what she had missed that had prompted it, but seeing as they obviously weren't going to bring it up again she left.

The moment she arrived in the kitchens she asked for the usual basket of food and for Poppy.

The little elf appeared immediately at her side. She didn't say anything, only looked at the floor, ashamed.

"Why Poppy, what's wrong?" she said concernedly, crouching down to be on eye level with the elf. She saw that her ears seemed singed and there were bandages around her hands. "Merlin, Poppy what happened to you? Are you alright?"

The elf said nothing. "Poppy, speak to me. Tell me what happened," she commanded.

The elf could not disobey a direct order so she spoke quietly. "Poppy is shamed, Miss. She punished herself for disappointing Miss and Master Potter."

"You did that to yourself?" she asked, aghast.

"It wasn't as much as Poppy deserves. She will punish herself again… when she is able."

"No! Poppy you are never to personally injure or punish yourself ever again, is that clear?"

The elf looked terrified at the idea, but replied with an obedient, "Yes, Miss."

"And you didn't disappoint either of us. You did wonderfully, Poppy. We owe you a great deal. I mean it. Thank you Poppy, for everything."

"Now why would you waste such kind words like those on a house elf?"

Lily turned to see Sirius strolling in casually. She narrowed her eyes at him but didn't say anything. She didn't want to get into a debate that would demean house elves in front of a hundred of them.

"If I can do something for you, let me know. You can go back to bed now."

"Yes Miss," she replied, and with a _CRACK_ she was gone. She turned to the beautiful man who was leaning nonchalantly against some unbelievably well shined pans and pots. She had been ready to say something chiding in regards to giving non humans respect, but a flash from those silver eyes seemed to leaden her tongue.

She didn't know what face she had been making, but it must have been one of shock or alarm. He chuckled darkly. "Don't worry, Little Red, I'm not going to devour you."

"Sorry, I… I don't know. I'm not feeling much myself this evening. I'm sorry for not meeting you," she said. She was going to act as if she hadn't eavesdropped on his conversation. "I didn't mean to stand you up. I…"

His expression softened. "I know, Cariad."

"James told you then?"

He nodded.

"Did he tell you everything?"

"How would I know if he left anything out?"

"Fair point."

"Care to tell me?"

"I'd rather not. I don't feel much like going through it again," she said tiredly. He nodded gravely, but then his face brightened.

"So I shagged Constance," he said cheerfully.

"The sexy co-worker?"

"That's the one, want to hear all the gory details?"

"I'd love to," she said gratefully. She loved Sirius, she really did. He had changed the topic to spare her, knowing she didn't want to talk about anything serious he had changed the topic to something he could talk about easily and happily.

She didn't _need_ to hear the critique of everything she did right and wrong, but Sirius's voice was so soothing, she didn't care _what_ he said so long as he kept talking.

"Never use teeth, Cariad. It's a very sensitive area and teeth are an immediate deal breaker with most men. Oh, but you know what we do love? Constance didn't do this but it's well worth remembering…" And so he continued.

Sirius had polished off two steaks and three more erotically 'educational' pieces when he eyed her with sudden disapprobation. "Weren't you supposed to eat?"

"I'm going to take some food back up with me."

"Right. You'd best go. Not a wise idea to keep Prongs from his food for too long."

She gathered up the basket and said "Thanks, Sirius," giving him a kiss on the cheek. He pulled an awkward sort of face, the kind a puppy does when a child blows in its face. It was adorable, and Sirius didn't do adorable very often.

"Get out of here," he said giving her rump an affectionate swat to hurry her on her way. She grinned properly for the first time in a long while.

x

"How goes the lecture planning?" she asked later when she entered James's office.

"Just 7th year left," he said gratefully taking a dinner roll. She took one herself and started eating determinedly. She would keep this in her stomach no matter how much it hurt.

"You shouldn't worry about it. Get some rest."

"7th year lectures are the hardest and most in depth. I can't skive."

She eyed a sausage and made the same vow she had with the dinner roll. "Just tell them you are an auror and let them ask questions. That could easily fill one lesson, and I bet it would be more relevant than whatever topic you had been planning. It will be your chance to tell them everything you really _want_ to tell them. And I'm sure they would find it very… well not _soothing_ but at least relieving in a way to have all those fears dealt with. The not knowing is the worst."

"You know, Evans, that's not a bad idea."

"I know." 'Alright mashed potatoes, you are joining your buddies Mr. Dinner roll and Mr. Sausage.'

She managed one more sausage before she gave up and went to bed.

"So going to go with my idea?" she mumbled sleepily when James joined her half an hour later.

"My brain isn't working anymore. I had no choice." She felt a chill when the covers were lifted so he could get in, but his radiating warmth spread through the entire bed once he had settled himself in.

She waited for about an hour before making her move. She didn't dare do it while he was awake. She snuggled her head onto his shoulder and placed her hand across his warm, bare chest hoping that he would respond automatically in his sleep. She was giddy when her scheme was rewarded when an arm came around her shoulders squeezing her in. A deep sigh sounded from the back off throat.

"_Rwy'n dy garu di,_" she whispered before she finally allowed herself to drift to sleep.

x

He crumpled up the piece of parchment he was working on. Rubbish.

He rose resignedly from his desk chair and crossed to his room. He sniffed at his shirt. It smelled like sick so he peeled it off and chucked it across the room before he crawled into bed.

"So going to go with my idea?" Lily muttered sleepily.

He'd have to; he didn't have any ideas of his own left. His brain seemed to be out of order at the moment.

How long he stayed awake he wasn't sure but when Lily reached for him he finally relaxed and put an arm around her sighing contentedly.

'That's more like it,' he thought. She muttered something unintelligible in her sleep and he tightened his hold.


	41. Not a chapter, just an announcement

Please go to the next chapter: **The Leaky Cauldron**


	42. The Leaky Cauldron

**Chapter 42: _The Leaky Cauldron _**

23 students wouldn't show up for lessons the next day. They had already fled, not even waiting for the Hogwarts express that would take them back for the Christmas Holidays the following day.

Even if it hadn't been expressly Voldemort's doing, he was getting what he wanted. Panic, fear, chaos, mistrust. Evil's playground.

The morning's lesson went just as Evans said it would. The class was full of questions that James did his best to answer honestly, but it did little to ease their worries. It was a small consolation; however, to know what exactly it was they had to fear. It did nothing to improve their spirits though; they left the classroom with grim faces and shuffling their feet.

Lily waited as she usually did, the ever faithful Rupert by her side. "I'm going to the Leaky Cauldron tonight," she said once everyone had left.

"I know."

"I'll be working until classes start again," she said awkwardly. If she hadn't sounded strained when she said it he would have missed the meaning entirely. She was trying to tell him goodbye, she wouldn't be seeing him for the better part of a month. Well, that's what _she_ thought. James had his shift to watch her tomorrow and he wasn't allowed to interact or identify himself while she was working. 'Well, she won't _always_ be working,' he thought.

"Alright. I'll see you later then." It was a rather lame and unfeeling goodbye but he didn't dare say more in front of a third party. In fact, he didn't know what he would say even if they _were_ alone. 'Don't worry my love; I intend to stalk you faithfully over the holidays,'? Hardly…

x

Lily was forcing food down at lunch when she was accosted once again by the beautiful Slytherin.

"Would you like to sit?" Lily asked. Gasche's nose wrinkled slightly. "I dined at your table, I'm sure no one would mind you dining at mine."

"I wouldn't count on that," she said looking around at the mistrustful faces of the Gryffindors. It didn't appear to bother her that she was being looked at warily; she was merely pointing out to Lily that she was most likely mistaken.

Lily thought that considering her past conversations with Miranda, it was probably best that they didn't speak in front of others anyway, so she rose and followed the blonde out of the Great Hall.

"Isaacs has gone. She left after the funeral but she wanted me to thank you for her."

"Oh," Lily said. That wasn't so bad, she could have said that at the table.

"That's not all she told me. Really, Evans, if you knew they were going to kill you why did you go?" she drawled. "I thought you were smarter than that."

Ok perhaps this wasn't table talk after all. "I was erm… working with the ministry to make the arrest. We wanted the boys expelled from Hogwarts and in Azkaban."

"And by the _ministry _do you mean with Potter?" she asked coolly.

"Well, he does work for the ministry," she said awkwardly. With everything that had happened she had forgotten about the scene in Dumbledore's office the girl had witnessed.

"You shagging a professor doesn't really concern me," she drawled.

"We are not!" Lily shouted, scandalised. Her face flushed with embarrassment.

"If you say so," she said waving a lazy hand in the air. "I'm not going to come back after Christmas anyway, so you don't have to worry. Going to _Beauxbatons_."

"You speak French?" Lily asked, surprised enough to stop defending her honour to ask this rather obvious question.

"My mother's French." 'Ah ha,' Lily thought. 'That snooty expression and 'I don't give a merde' _hauteur_ isn't because she a snob, she's just _French_.' "My parents decided that I would get a better education at Hogwarts, but now Slytherin house is a shame and the school is a mess."

"Well, best of luck to you," Lily said extending her hand trying not to be insulted on Hogwarts behalf.

"And to you." As Miranda Gasche walked away she wondered if the Slytherin liked her or not. Perhaps she didn't care one way or another. The girl was confusing in the same way she was sure Sirius was to most people.

x

Packing that evening was easily done. She left everything in her room but clothes and her school books. She didn't have much of the former, but the latter filled up most of her trunk, which she shrank and put in her pocket after adding her small chest of potions. She wasn't planning on _using_ any of them, she told herself. They were just in case of emergency.

She nearly tripped as she descended the steps. When she was on the ground floor she eyed her feet with misgiving. They had never been so clumsy before, she hoped they wouldn't make a habit of failing her like that. Luckily no one had seen.

Taking a deep breath she opened the might oak doors and stepped outside.

"Evening, Red." James was leaning against the wall to her left.

"Potter, what are you doing here?"

"Seeing as I have to go to London as well I thought I might as well escort you to Hogsmeade."

"That was lucky timing."

"Not really, I've been waiting for half an hour."

"Well I appreciate your gallantry then."

"Thank you. You know I always felt rather gallant but no one has ever praised me for it. It's about bloody time."

"Forgive me. Any other upraised qualities need petting?"

James thought about it. "My charm."

"You are charm itself."

"My wit."

"Is unparalleled."

"My sense of humour."

"Unmatched."

"My bravery."

"Incontestable."

"My… musical talents."

"I've never heard them but I'm sure they are consummate."

"My abilities as an athlete."

"An Olympian in the flesh."

"My dashing good looks."

"A veritable feast for the eyes."

He grinned and turned to her. She blushed. Perhaps 'a feast for the eyes' had been a bit to explicit. She should have said 'Dashing indeed,' or something along those lines.

"You know you are rather good at this game. We need to play it more often."

"I think your ego is sufficiently inflated," she replied. She didn't want to let the praise go to his head.

"Still, nice to know I have an admirer."

"An admirer?" she said offended. "I might just be a sycophant, did you think of that? Perhaps I'm just sucking up to improve my standing in your class."

"Silly Lily, to think that you could possibly _improve_ your ranking in my class. Can one improve on perfection?"

"You can spare me any flattery, Potter. I don't like it."

"Aww, but I'm so good at it."

"Then find someone who will appreciate your obsequiousness."

James shrugged. "Well Sirius and I are going out after we both get off work; perhaps I'll find someone who will appreciate all the attention I will shower upon her."

Lily didn't say anything. She did her best not to show any sign of jealousy whatsoever. She shouldn't snap, shouldn't tell him not to, shouldn't think that the vicious trollop he _did_ dote on that night wouldn't appreciate enough the compliments she doubtlessly _wouldn't_ deserve.

"Best of luck to you," she said coolly. "Must be ages since you last got any."

"I've had more important things on my mind of late," he replied easily. She wished there was some desk or something else she could bang her head on. She had practically _encouraged_ him to go sleep with some hussy just to make it seem as if she didn't care. She had to save the situation somehow.

"I should hope so. What you are doing is so important to so many people at Hogwarts. In fact, I would be rather disappointed in you if you had been thinking about… _that_ when you should have been working."

x

James tugged at his collar. Just because he hadn't been _doing_ it didn't mean he hadn't been _thinking_ about it. How disappointed she'd be if she knew how much he _had_ thought about it. Not only disappointed, but probably disturbed if she likewise knew _with whom_ he had been imagining it.

"Just as well then! I'd hate to disappoint you, Lilikins," he said rumpling her hair. He realised he did that a lot too; mostly when he was denied doing what he _really_ wanted to do.

"I should hope not! I'm your only admirer after all."

"I thought you said you were a sycophant."

"I lied."

"As per usual," he said rolling his eyes.

"I've gotten _better_," she said, her big green eyes more heart melting than any puppy's.

"I know; you've been a good girl." To his consternation his arm found its way around her shoulders without asking his permission. By the time he realised what had happened it was too late. She didn't seem to even noticed to he kept it there until there were in Hogsmeade.

x

"Room number three!" said Tom when she entered, tossing the key to her.

"Thanks Tom, I'll be down in a tick."

Her room was smaller than usual, but she didn't really mind. She didn't need much space. She removed her trunk from her pocket and changed her clothes. She slipped her wand into the waistband of her denim pants but it slipped right through and landed on her foot. She frowned and picked it up to put it in her pocket.

She put her apron on and got to work. No sign of Chevalier but several interesting characters showed up. A rather disgusting looking man entered and groaned as he sat himself down heavily on one of the barstools. He was on the larger side and Lily was surprised not to hear any of the usual squeaks of protest from the barstool that it was prone to do with the heavier clientele. His wild scruffy black hair was streaked with silver as was his equally wild and scruffy beard. His eyes weren't quite grey and his clothes were tatters. Lily thought she caught a hint of liquor and fatigue in those eyes.

"Elderberry wine," he said, his thick Scottish accent was gruff, as if the man in front of her had smoked his whole life. It was surprisingly a nice sound, that gruff burr. She nodded and left to get him a drink. _Not_ elderberry wine.

"How about a dogbite instead?" she said with a mischievous smile handing him his drink.

The familiar eyes flashed silver and the beard twitched, hiding the smile. His disguise was perfectly hideous, she was extremely impressed. His costume would have been flawless if he could conceal those eyes. She had never seen any others like them.

She wasn't allowed to visit with him or acknowledge she knew him so she immediately went back to her other customers. When a familiar face came in and sat next to the careworn Scotsman she approached.

"Allo Dungface! What'll you have?"

"Wouldn't mind that pretty trinket you got 'round your neck."

"You don't want this one Dung, it's cursed. I can never take it off. I'll die the moment I do, and the next person to hold it will suffer the same fate."

"Merlin!" he said jumping back.

She leaned into the amused looking Scotsman and whispered, "_Making him think he's risking his own neck is the only real way to deal with Dung's craze for merchandise._" He chuckled appreciatively.

She dried a glass. "Shall I make you a stout then?"

"Alright, just keep that thing away from me. I'm too young to die."

"You'd say that no matter how old you are," she chided.

"Too right I would. Dying is for the those who can't succeed in living."

The Scotsman gave a wheezy laugh. Mundungus Fletcher turned to him. "What's so funny?"

"I was just thinking that those were the truest words I've heard in a while. Lass, this man's drink is on me."

And so the evening continued, Mundungus and the fake Scotsman drinking and carrying on like the old friends they actually were. Not exactly the best of friends, Dung couldn't really be trusted too far, but he and Sirius complimented each other well. Perhaps if the Order wanted connections with the underworld they were better off with Mundungus than the ever elusive Chevalier. 'No,' she thought. 'Mundungus is harmless enough. He might be a crook but he is no villain. Neither was Sylvain, but he had direct contact with dark wizards if Dumbledore's suppositions were true, and she had no reason to doubt they weren't. This was _Dumbledore_ after all.

Closing time came and Sirius and Mundungus were the only two people left in the bar. She noticed that Sirius's wonderful Scottish burr slipped every now and then to reveal that posh drawl he usually employed, but Dung was too drunk to notice.

She had to kindly tell them both that the bar was closed and they would be served no more drinks, and not so kindly added that they didn't _need_ any more anyway. They had had quite enough.

The Leaky Cauldron didn't 'close' because it was also an inn. The front door had to remain open to guests that may want to come in and out, but seeing as there was no more drink they left together, probably to find another pub that was still open.

Lily hung up her apron and passed out the moment she flopped down on her bed. She didn't even bother to change or crawl under the covers.

x

Lily had a harder time spotting the next morning's order member. In fact, she might have been wrong in her identification, but she doubted it. Surely no one but McGonagall could sit with their back that straight.

McGonagall left mid evening, but Lily was too distracted to try and spot the new order member by Chevalier's appearance.

"Mon Lis!" he greeted cheerfully.

"Sylvain Chevalier!" she replied in a boisterous voice, making sure that whoever it was that was on shift now heard and knew that it was show time.

He leaned over the bar to give Lily a kiss on either cheek.

Someone cleared their throat beside them; afraid that she had been neglecting a customer she turned to serve them. Her smile vanished when she saw no one was there. Correction, no one was _visible_. Now that she was paying attention she could feel him. She stopped staring at the seeming empty space she knew James occupied and turned back to Chevalier.

x

James froze under her look. For a moment he panicked, wondering if somehow he had thought he had put the cloak on but hand't. No, he was sure he was wearing it. The next panic thought was that it didn't work anymore. How was it she was looking straight at him? Chevalier turned to look confusedly in his direction. He obviously didn't see him, and turned back to Lily.

"What is it?"

"Nothing," she said shaking her head, the ghost of a grin haunting her face.

For the next few hours she joked and flirted and he joked and flirted back, but nothing seemed to come of it. She had to go around to other customers and leave Chevalier on his one for long stretches at a time.

When it slowed down a bit Lily leaned her elbow on the bar placing her chin in her hand.

"This isn't going anywhere," she sighed. "You might not like this, but I'm going to do it anyway."

Was she talking to him? She must be. She somehow always knew when he was under the cloak. Curious, he followed her toward the other side of the bar. "Tom, taking my break!" she called. He nodded in acknowledgement, looking around at the manageable numbers of clients.

"Wish me luck," she whispered as she passed, briefly trailing her fingertips across his chest.

"Come to visit me, mon lis?" said Chevalier happily.

"Couldn't keep away. You are by far the most interesting person here."

"Ah, you know what they say about flattery…"

"Yes, well," she said taking the seat across the small table. "They'd be right. I actually had something I wanted to ask you."

"Vas-y."

"You remember last summer when you said if I ever needed anything all I had to do was ask?"

"Bien sûr."

She leaned across the to bring her face even closer to his and said in a whisper, "Did you mean _anything_?" Lily's eyes seemed to flash with something James never really got to see in them. She was _luring_ him in with that seductively impish smile and 'come hither' look.

"What did you have in mind?" said Chevalier, intrigued. Perhaps 'intrigued' wasn't the right word, but she definitely had his attention, and James thought that perhaps Chevalier was thinking what James would be thinking if Lily were looking at _him_ that way. That is to say, thinking things that made James want to drag Chevalier into the nearest alleyway and do things unkind and perhaps not unviolent in nature.

"Something I think only you can do."

"You know I would do anything for you," he said smarmily, touching Lily's hands. Why was she letting him touch her? Surely that wasn't necessary. He was definitely getting the wrong idea, couldn't she see that? Didn't she know the affect she had on men?

"I have this friend, see. A potion enthusiast. But my friend is having a hard time getting certain ingredients and requires a talented man of your… discretion." She knew how the game was played, it's always _for a friend_, never for oneself. "Of course I'm not asking for a favour, my friend is willing to pay for your services."

The lascivious gleam in Chevalier's eyes disappeared, replaced by one of sharp calculation. James could see the mercenary glint in Chevalier's eyes and knew that the Frenchman was thinking monetarily now. He would have described the man as venal if he thought he had ever been in an honest proffession to begin with.

"What exactly do you need?"

James was straining his ears, trying to tune out the rest of the noise in the bar. But Lily had whispered the next bit so quietly he couldn't hear what the ingredients were...

"Why not use your own?" he said amusedly, Lily, clearly not as amused as Chevalier, didn't respond to this. James wished she had. Used her own what?

"Strictly for research purposes you understand... But there is such a stigma attached to potions that have those requirements, and so they are rather hard to come by..."

"They're everywhere, Lili..."

"Not ready to use..."

"Indeed not. They are rather difficult to... procure," he acknowledged.

"So can you do it?"

"I'm not sure about getting _that_, but I do know a family with a fine stock of dark potions. Perhaps he would have the one you are looking for, ready made... if that would interest you."

"Even better. I mean, I'm sure my friend would be interested, yes."

"What's the name of the brew? I will make my enquiries."

"Actually, if it is at all possible I would like to speak to them myself."

"I'm afraid that's not possible. I have to protect the identities of my buyers and providers..."

"You mean you don't want to introduce the buyers and sellers, because then you serve no purpose and can't collect your share as middleman." James smiled despite himself at her shrewdness. She continued. "You'll still get paid, I promise. But if this man has the extensive collection you say he does I would very much like to see it. I came in here with one in mind to brew, but I will want to know what options there are for the future. I'll make a deal that you will make a commission off anything I buy from him."

"You might be too clever for your own good. I will see what I can do."

"Thanks," she said holding out a handful of gold to him. "Here's for your time."

Chairs made a grating sound as they were pushed back from the table. There was no more conversation that he could hear, but Lily appeared behind the bar again, wiping clean a few glasses. He gave her a searching glance. What had that been all about? Potion ingredients for a friend? She may have gone a lot farther than the order asked, but it at least seemed like a promising ad-lib.  
He checked his watch, Lily's shift ended in 2 hours; he would talk to her then.

When the time came for the bar to close, James decided to wait, invisible, outside her door for her. She appeared, less than a quarter of an hour later, humming as she came down the hall. When she approached her door she slowed, the tune she was humming halted and a smile quirked her lips as if she had just remembered some happy secret. She unlocked her door and held it open.

"After you, Potter," she whispered.

He shook his head under his cloak, grinning. She never failed to detect his invisible presence. James had that talent as well, but only when he seemed to expect it, when he knew a friend was supposed to be near and waiting. How she manage to sense him every time he didn't know, nor had he ever managed to get her to explain it to him.

She closed the door behind them when there were in the room. She took off the becoming apron, hanging it on a hook and flung herself on her bed. James took off his cloak too, hanging up next to hers.

"Make room," he said. She scooted over as far as the small bed would allow and he lay down next to her, using his own arm as a pillow, seeing as Lily was using the only real one there.

"So... are you going to tell me what all that was about? That was quite a bit of improvisation."

"I was tired of not getting anywhere, so I decided that instead of getting him to confide in me about his business, to simply involve myself in it. So, as you know, now I'm going to buy something off the dark market."

"Why did you choose something he knew you already had? He said you should use your own... Your own what?"  
"Virgin heart? Puh, just one of his jokes. He knows how useless that would be."

"Virgin... heart..." James repeated. There were potions that actually required the heart of a virgin? How could Chevalier even joke about that? But where the purported 'humour' in the tatseless joke lay James didn't know. Lily said it would be useless. Obviously if Lily's own heart was used she wouldn't be alive to make the potion, which would be useless indeed. Or had he been jesting about her heart being useless for the potion, not being that of a virgin. Surely Lily was still a...

But Sirius's taunt came back to him.

_"Such a clever young sex kitten in Gryffindor."  
"She is not a **kitten** of any kind!"  
"She'd have to be to come up with **that** spell..." _

x

"Well, it was a step in the right direction," she said exhaling, letting her exhaustion sink into the mattress as her body did. Her limbs felt too heavy to move now, as did her eyelids.

"Evans..."

"Hmm?" She said not opening her eyes.

"Are you falling asleep?"

"Slowly but surely. I'm still awake now, but I won't be in another half an hour."

"Before then tell me everything you said to Chevalier."

"You were there hovering over my shoulder the entire time. You heard."

"Not all. When and how are you supposed to..."

"He will let me know. I just have to wait for him to contact me about the place, time and method."

"Contact how?"

"He didn't say. Are you going to tell Dumbledore now?"

"In a bit. After you fall asleep."

"Your talking will keep me awake."

"I doubt that."

"Want to sing me a lullaby?"

"I don't sing."

"Then tell me a story."

"A story?"

"I'm sure you know lots of bedtime stories."

"Evans, you are being ridiculous."

"I've only ever heard muggle bedtime stories. I'm sure wizard's bedtime stories are just as, if not more, entertaining. I won't believe you if you say you don't know even one."

"I'm not a great story teller."

"Untrue."

"Well, my own stories I can recount well enough but the 'once upon a time' tales aren't my forte."

"See? This is me arguing, not falling asleep."

"Sorry, I'll go," he said sitting up.

"No!" she said putting an arm out to stop him. "Don't go," she pulled him back down to his lying position. "Just don't _talk_ either," she said closing her eyes again.

x

With those profound eyes closed, her natural innocent beauty was striking. She looked so helpless defenceless when she slept. Defenceless except for _him_, he thought. While she slept he was the only thing keeping her safe. Knowing that he was her one and only guardian filled him with a meaningful purpose that he didn't even get as an auror.

He sat up to better appreciate the view, reaching out a hand to stroke her head softly. She had to be a... she was just too sweet _not_ to be.

"M'not asleep, don' leave yet," she mumbled.

"I'm not going anywhere..."


	43. In Which Much Too Much Happens

**Chapter 43: _In Which Things Turn Out to be Worse than Previously Thought_**

James awoke to a loud growling/gurgling sound reverberating in his ear. He had fallen asleep on Evans's stomach as he had only once before. She had kept repeating "I'm not asleep yet," and James suspected that she might have been saying 'I'm not asleep' _in her sleep_. Still he decided to play it safe and wait for a while, so he made himself comfortable.

It was still dark out, he'd probably only slept for an hour if that. Dumbledore would want this news, he shouldn't delay any longer.

Trying his best not to wake her he eased himself off her and her bed and grabbed his cloak.

"Hmm?" she mumbled. James couldn't tell if that was just a sleepy sound or a legitimate enquiry.

"I'll be back," he whispered. "And I'm bringing back food." The last part almost sounded like a threat. Perhaps she had been too busy with Chevalier last night to have supper but James was going to make sure she ate breakfast. James knew Lily didn't have self image issues that made her want to starve herself. In fact he doubted whether she spent any time in front of a mirror at all. Rather she didn't consider eating a priority, something she simply forgot to do when she had other things on her mind, which was most all the time.

Dumbledore suggested that James leave his memory of the evening in the pensive so that he, James, could get some rest. James hesitantly put his wand to his temple withdrawing only the part of the evening that began with Lily sitting down at Chevalier's table and ending when she left it.

"Erm…" he began as he dropped the silver sliver of thought into the basin, "It's not _exactly_ what we were planning but I think that it's a step or two in the right direction."

He felt the need to defend Lily's actions because the memory he left for Dumbledore didn't show how fruitless the other attempts clearly were.

"We will be able to discuss it at the next order meeting."

"When will that be?"

"Next Thursday."

"But by then she might have already made the buy."

"The buy, James?"

James cleared his throat. "Perhaps I will wait for you to see that memory after all…"

x

There was a gently tapping, the all familiar sound of an owl beak on a glass window. The sound hadn't woken her, she'd been up since James left.

Chevalier had gone to work immediately it seemed. In his letter he reported that the seller had agreed, negotiations for the price to follow. She was known to the seller as Olga Malinkov. He would let her know the where, when and how later.

Lily could only be grateful that Sylvain was so particular about 'protecting the identities of the buyers and providers.' She knew it was out of self interest he did but she didn't doubt that the anonymity was welcome to those who needed to maintain or protect a respectable reputation, as Lily had to do. That and she couldn't very well insinuate herself into the dark market as Lily Evans. That would only succeed in getting herself and probably Chevalier killed.

She didn't reply because the owl had already left and she didn't have anything to say. She was just about to open her trunk to tuck the letter into one of her textbooks when the doorknob rattled.

Lily's hand went immediately for her wand and she was glad she had gone to bed without changing. Silently she crossed the room to stand behind the door.

The hinges squeaked as the door eased open. She heaved an inner sigh of relief when she recognised him, but she wasn't going to let him off the hook so easily. The door opened a bit wider to allow the invisible man through. She reached out to the warmth and gave the silky fabric a hard tug, pulling it off completely. She put her wand to James's neck.

"Don't ever do that again, Potter. What if I had thought you were a death eater and blown you to bits?" she whispered furiously.

James shut the door behind him and grinned. Pushing her wand away from his throat he said, "Moody would be so proud."

"He wouldn't be proud if I'd maimed you. Knock or something next time."

"I didn't want to wake you."

"I'd rather you did. Might spare me future heart attacks."

He shrugged and shoved a basket of food at her. "Eat."

"I am kind of hungry now that you mention it," she said opening the basket and rifling through it. "What did Dumbledore say?"

"Come back after Chevalier contacts you again."

"He did. While you were gone," she said producing the letter.

"Fast worker."

"That's what I thought."

James read the letter quickly and looked at her. "You make a better Lily than Olga."

* * *

Friday, December 21st.

_"Borgin and Burkes. 4 o'clock" _

That was all the letter from Chevalier said, but then again, not much else _needed_ to be said.

Lily didn't even know where Borgin and Burkes was, she'd have to find it. She started work at 5:00 that evening, hopefully her business in Knockturn Alley wouldn't take that long.

Putting on James's cloak she left the Leaky Cauldron out the back way and tapped the correct brick to open the entrance to Diagon Alley.

She had never seen it so deserted and lifeless. Several front windows were boarded up with signs saying '_closed until further notice_.' Despite it being the holiday season hardly anyone was out doing their shopping. Lily was glad she was wearing the invisibility cloak; otherwise she would have felt like a target. Those few souls that were out always seemed to be in groups of at least two or three and scurried from shop to shop like cockroaches scuttling from under one piece of furniture to another, afraid of getting squashed.

Knockturn Alley on the other hand seemed lively enough although when she found Borgin and Burkes no one appeared to be inside. Lily opened the door and once again a bell tinkled betraying. A man with stooping posture and beady eyes (either Borgin or Burke she presumed) appeared from the back room. His eyes grew even more squinty as he looked around the small shop. He opened a very antique looking till and counted its contents before eyeing the merchandise that was littered about the store.

Convinced that he hadn't been robbed her limped back to the other room. With his back turned to her Lily noticed that he had a sort of hump with one shoulder was higher than the other.

Now at leisure to look around freely she did so. Some items were unmistakably dark like the dead hand holding a torch or the skull affixed atop a sort of club. Other items didn't look dangerous at all, and those worried her even more. There were no tags to indicate the nature of the objects or their price. She assumed it was so that Misters Borgin and Burke could adjust the prices as they saw fit depending on to whom they tried to sell them.

A collection of jewellery in a glass case by the till had just caught her eye when the shop bell tinkled again. The store wasn't exactly wide so she backed up as close to the wall as she dared (she didn't want to touch _anything_) to allow the man who just entered as much room as possible.

A different man appeared from the back room this time, straighter than the first but still rather short.

"Ah, Mr. Malfoy. Come to find a present for your new bride?" he said loudly. Clearly to alert the stooping man (who came hobbling in a moment later) to the arrival of a customer.

"No, Borgin. I'm selling." Both store owners frowned at this but the man called Malfoy took no notice. He placed a small box on the counter. "300."

"300?" Both Borgin and Burke protested in simultaneous disbelief.

"Yes and I want to know who she is that buys it."

"She?"

"You aren't to sell it to anyone but Olga Malinkov. I don't know when she will come but when she does you find out who she is."

"Will you be coming back later to get your gold then?" Borgin asked hopefully.

"No, I'll take it now," he said. His drawl was almost like Sirius's but more lasal and lacking the hints of warmth and amusement.

Burke didn' seem very keen on the idea of paying out 300 galleons for something he wasn't even sure would be bought, but apparently Malfoy was a man he didn't dare trifle with for he (however reluctantly) opened the ancient register.

The tall authoritative young blonde opened his purse to allow the stream of 300 gold coins enter it. He sinchd it up again and lifted it easily off the counter. Obviously it was one of those purses charmed for weightlessness that wizards of privilege were known to carry. Lily would have to perform a similar charm on her own when she went to withdraw money from her vault in Gringotts. She couldn't exactly give Borgin & Burkes her vault number and her signature as she did for her Hogwarts tuition. If she were going to go through with this she would need to use cold hard gold, and lots of it. Nearly half her entire savings, which consisted primarily of the insurance money left to her from her parents death.

"So what is it?" Borgin asked.

"What is contains is none of your concern, just see that she gets it. And there is no use trying to find out either, it can only be opened by the hands of a woman."

The store owners' faces fell still further but neither said a word of complaint.

"Thank you, Mr. Malfoy. Always as pleasure doing business with you," said Burke.

Lily followed Malfoy out, taking advantage of the open door. She wanted to follow him further but he disapparated. It was just as well, she had important things to do before 4 o'clock.

Going back up to Diagon Alley she turned left to head towards the wizarding bank. Ducking behind one of the grand slanting pillars she removed the cloak, making sure no one was around to see. She wondered as she walked by several more such leaning columns if the tower in Piza might not also be magically fortified rather than architecturally sound.

It was lucky, she reflected, that she had gone early to check to the place out beforehand otherwise she wouldn't have learned who the provider was. Malfoy, evident by his insistence to Borgin and Burke that they find out about her, _didn't_ know who she was. Knowing _she_ had the upper hand gave her a sense of satisfaction.

The bank was mostly empty of patrons as well, which made it seem as if there were twice the number of goblins in comparison.

It had been a week since she had found poor Clandart in that chest. As she looked around at the multitude of goblins she wondered with a touch (or rather more than a touch) of guilt 'what would they do if they knew I could have saved him but didn't?'

"Yes?" said one whose menacingly hooked nose looked even more severe from atop his high perch on his desk. She suspected they made the desks so tall so that they wouldn't be looked down on by wizards in their own bank. No, in Gringotts _they_ looked down on _you_.

"My name is Lily Evans and I would like to make a withdrawal out of my vault: number 877," she said holding up her key.

"Findart!" she goblin barked.

Findart appeared showing Lily the way to the cart that would take them to her vault. She got in and the cart started moving, clambering down into the dark depths of Gringotts bank.

Lily didn't want to appear rude by asking if Findart were any relation to Clandart. There names suggested that they were from the same family but Lily wouldn't be able to recognise a family resemblance. Clandart had been too far decomposed when she found him. Even if he hadn't been she doubted she could tell. It wasn't that "all goblins looked alike," just that goblin faces were so characteristic as to make it impossible to notice any similarities over the glaring differences.

"Erm… did you by any chance know Clandart?" she asked unsurely but met with no reply. She had never tried to make conversation with a goblin before but she presumed that those who worked in Gringotts had a high proficiency in English. But perhaps the only phrases outside of Gobbledygook he knew were "this way," "vault #" "key," and "stand back." She had never really given the matter much thought before. She was just like everyone else, just considered goblins to be the ones that got your gold and talked funny. It had only just not occurred to her that they had to learn a whole new language to work there.

In any case Findart remained silent the whole rickety way there. Once the cart came to a stop he said with only a slight Gobbledygook accent, "Vault 877, key please." She handed him her key and holding the lamp in one hand he unlocked the vault with the other.

It wasn't until she was already inside collecting her gold that her escort finally responded to her question.

"Clandart was my eldest brother. Why do you want to know about him?" Findart was glaring at her from the doorway and Lily became frighteningly aware that if she answered wrongly the vengeful goblin meant to shut her inside. Her hand went instinctively to her necklace, but remembering that it might be goblin made hid it by pulling her robes around tighter.

"I found him," she replied. "In one of the Hogwarts dungeons." Somehow the vault seemed to be closing in on her. It was only in her mind, she told herself. 'Stay calm.'

"We were told he was murdered."

"And so he must have been. I don't know if they told you but it seems as if he was kept locked in a chest until the end."

"By someone at Hogwarts?" he asked angrily.

"No!" she replied quickly. "It was a travelling cabinet. The dark wizard who locked him in didn't know he would end up in Hogwarts.

"How do you know it was a dark wizard?"

"Who else would do something like that?"

"Any wizard. You all treat goblins the same. The dark lord promises us equality and the power we deserve!"

"Yes and that's probably the exact same thing he told Clandart before he used him to steal from this bank then locked him in a cabinet to rot!" she shouted back.

Perhaps she should be more careful about arguing with this goblin. If he wanted to he could lock her away in her own vault to suffer the same fate as his brother. She changed tactics and tone of voice. "I just want to find out who did it. They should not get away with it. Your brother deserves justice."

It seemed like they stood there in silence for a half and hour before Findart finally replied.

"What do you want to know?"

Lily sighed in relief. "Do you know the last person he was working with before he disappeared?" That was exactly the sort of question the ministry would have already asked, she told herself. That is _if_ they even bothered to investigate it, which she highly doubted.

"No, I do not."

Could you find out if anyone does?"

"I can enquire of my brothers. 14 work here at Gringotts. Valndart is the oldest now; he will be able to find out. 'Wow,' Lily thought. 'Giving birth must be easier for goblins.' Or perhaps they didn't share the same mother, only the same father. But of course that was unimportant.

"Good, but I'm afraid the other part might be too difficult."

"What?"

"Well, we have to know if anything was taken, but if Clandart was with them at the time there is no way of telling if one was broken into. Unless Gringots knows the exact contents of every single vault."

"Of course we do!" Findart said both proud and offended.

"You do?"

"You think we don't know our own bank?"

"No, it's just… well it's very impressive. Look, they wouldn't be after gold so vaults that only have money can be eliminated. Does that narrow it down?"

"Considerably."

"You and your brothers try your best to find out what it was _and_ who was the last person Clandart took into the vaults. We can do this Findart," she said feelingly. She owed it to Clandart's family to see this through, she wouldn't ever be free of the guilt if she didn't. If the ministry wasn't going to do anything about it, it would be up to her and the house of Dart.

Lily had spent much more time in Gringotts than she had meant and didn't have time to go back to Hogwarts to find an appropriate disguise. Putting the cloak back on she returned quickly to room number three at the Leaky Cauldron. She rummaged through her small chest of potions and grabbed the only one that might help before she flew back out again.

In the back garden next to the rubbish bin Lily Evans dyed her hair black as James had once done and swallowed four mouthfuls of potion. Slowly she felt herself begin to change in subtle ways, the ache in her back and the sagging of her breasts. She had aged 40 years in 40 seconds…

The effects would only last at for (at _most_) an hour. So she had to be quick. She slowed her steps when she entered Knockturn Alley. She didn't want to betray the slightest hint of fear or anxiousness. She checked her reflection in a storefront window. Streaks of silver painted her black hair and the bridge of her nose seemed a bit more pronounce somehow but she was pretty attractive for a 60 year old, rather stately. She allowed just a moment of vanity for herself, glad she would age well.

'Right,' she told herself. 'You are Olga Malinkov _not_ Lily Evans.' She tried to act the way McGonagall would if she were Bulgarian and evil. She straightened her back and strode with confidence down the street until she saw a familiar face. Two familiar faces as a matter of fact. Mundungus Fletcher and a lecher of a Scotsman. What on earth was Sirius doing in Knockturn Alley?

The 60 year old Scotsman gave an appraising look over the 60 year old Bulgarian woman but then went back to his conversation, not glancing at her again. _Did he recognise her?_

She was glad for the tinkle of the bell this time, for she was rather pressed for time and at the sound Burke came in immediately to greet her.

"Good afternoon, Madame. Can I help you find anything?"

Lily put on the thickest Russian accent she could manage and hoped it would sound close enough to a Bulgarian one to fool the man. "Da, My name is Olga Malinkov. I am understanding you have something particularly for me." Her voice was much lower than usual. Lily wondered if that was an effect of the aging potion or if it was her own subconscious effort to sound more mature.

"Ah yes, of course Ms. Malinkov," he said grinning greedily at her. His teeth were in a terrible state. If he wanted to win over customers he shouldn't smile at them under any circumstances. "Borgin!" he called to the back. "Bring in the Malinkov merchandise! Malinkov… I've heard that name somewhere before but I can't remember where."

'Ah,' thought Lily, 'he's trying to find out who I am. Clumsy attempt.' "I am of the Varna Malinkovs, _not_ the St. Petersburg Malinkovs." She tried to make it sound as if it would be distasteful to be thought of as being part of the _Russian_ Malinkovs.

"I don't think I know them."

"I don't suppose _you_ would," she said with regal disdain, trying to sound insulted that he hadn't heard of this non existent family.

" Varna, eh? Know anyone at Durmstrang?" he enquired. Trying to make connections he can check up on later, Lily had no doubt.

"Da, my grandchild Gregor is in his third year there. My daughter's son. Now if you don't mind I would like to have what I came for," she said changing the subject so that he couldn't ask for her daughter's married name.

"Of course, Madame," Borgin said placing it on the counter. "That will be 600 galleons. Lily didn't even _have_ that much, she took out nearly half the gold in her vault to get the 500 she did have, and she wasn't about to spend it all on something she would never use.

"You evidently know not what it is you are trying to sell, Mr. Burke, or you wouldn't have the nerve to try to charge me so much." She smiled evilly at him. She knew he didn't know what it was and that was the only card she had to play.

" 500," said Burke.

" 300."

" 400."

"If you include that necklace we have a deal."

"Done," said Burke. Borgin withdrew the necklace as Lily took out her purse. She pointed her wand at it and said " 400", sending a golden stream of coins out of it and into the till in an orderly fashion. The chinking sound of the gold obviously pleased both men so she seized the opportunity of them being in a good mood to ask about the necklace she had just purchased.

"What exactly does it do?"

"Been trying to sell that for years," said Burke. "But nobody wants their enemy not to feel."

"Not feel what?"

"Anything. Pain, fear… No one's stupid enough to use it themselves and no one would bother to use it on an enemy."

"Stupid?"

"If you can't feel the fear, how are you supposed to run away?" asked Borgin.

"The vords of a coward" she snipped.

"If you say so Madame," she said, still pleased. "Be careful. The moment you put that on you aren't yourself anymore. You are no one."

"Thank you, Mr. Burke. I will keep that in mind."

Borgin had wrapped the necklace in a cloth pouch and she took both it and the small wooden box in her pocket and walked out of the shop. It wasn't until she was completely out of view that she allowed herself to heave an immense sigh of relief as she leaned up against the wall beside her. She needed to get back under the cloak and get back to the Leaky Cauldron.

"Are y'alraet ma'am?"

Lily started at the familiar yet unfamiliar accent and those silver eyes seemed more curious than concerned.

Keeping to her incognito she replied with an equally thick accent. "I am vell, thank you."

"Can I escort you somewhere?"

"Thank you but I am just going to the Leaky Cauldron." Damn it she shouldn't have said that, good thing it was Sirius.

"As am I, let me walk you there."

Lily couldn't really protest so she just walked on, allowing him to follow her. She could tell Sirius was trying to work out if it was really her or her. There would be no hiding it once they went back to the inn, so once they entered Diagon Alley she officially gave up the charade and in her normal voice she whispered furiously.

"_What in Merlin's name were you doing in Knockturn Ally with Mundungus Fletcher?_"

Lily was completely taken aback when Sirius flung out an arm hitting her painfully across the chest, sending her tripping over her own feet into a small side alley beside Quality Quidditch Supplies.

"Bloody hell Sirius! What are you doing? That _hurt_."

"_Keep your mouth shut_." He kept his hand on her sternum, and whispered dangerously, "_If you brought the cloak now would be the time to use it. Someone's followed you._"

Without further argument or discussion she shipped it out and flung it over bother of them just in time. A man peeked around the red brick corner, but seeing nothing he left again.

"_So who's your new friend?_" he asked curiously in a hushed tone.

"Someone Malfoy paid to find out who Olga Malinkov is I expect."

"And just who _is_ Olga Malinkov?"

She told him (in brief) about what she had set about to do with Chevalier and the owl she received that afternoon.

"I decided to scout out the place first under the cloak before I went as Olga, and as luck would have it your man Malfoy turned up just after I did."

"Lucky Lily Evans strikes yet again."

"It appears so."

"Well seeing as nothing bad happened, I must say well done Cariad! I love your 'damn the torpedoes' attitude and nerve."

"Well, David Farragut might have been off his rocker to sail into a sea of mines. It was dumb luck no one exploded in both his and my case."

"Yes, and if you did then I would have got onto you for being reckless and foolhardy."

"It was reckless and foolhardy."

"It's not foolhardy if it works. It's just daring. I like it. Reminds me of me," he said with a smile, giving her hair an affectionate rumple.

"You are the only one who is going to be pleased with my 'daring'. If anyone asks, I had you following me the whole time."

"Perfect. Not only is it partly true, but I was in need of a good alibi anyway."

"Yes, what **_were_** you doing in Knockturn Alley?" she asked suspiciously.

"Just doing old Dung a favour."

"And you aren't going to tell me what that favour is, are you?"

"Afraid not, Cariad. Nothing too bad I promise. If you and I agree to stick to the same story then neither of us get in trouble, yes?"

"Deal."

"Right, I'll walk you back to the Cauldron and let Dumbledore know of 'our' little venture." He winked. The stout and ragged looking Scotsman still seemed to be somehow irresistibly charming. She was almost certain he could be (almost) as successful as an elderly clansman as he would the dashing playboy.

Back in the Leaky Cauldron back lot she removed the cloak. "Turn around Evans, I want a look at you," he commanded. She did a 360 and brushed the hair out of her face. "30 is definitely going to be a good year for you," he said approvingly. "Unless you've already popped out a few."

"Erm, thank you?"

"Yes, alright off you go now, before I do something I'll regret. I have a sort of thing for older women you see," he said wiggling his eyebrows.

She chuckled at this. "I'll see you tonight at the meeting."

x

"You're early," said Tom when she entered.

"I'll be down in 15."

She took the steps two at a time, anxious to get to her room and inspect her things. Actually she ran out of patience the moment she reached the first floor landing and opened the small but ornate wooden box.

A folded piece of paper lay atop the dark vial. She extracted the parchment and closed the box again. She _knew_ what was in the bottle. That parchment on the other hand captivated her curiosity. She quickly unfolded it before she fumbled around in her pocket for her key.

She pulled it out and tried to fit it into the door, only to realise it was her Gringotts key. She fished out her room key, and doing her best to do all this without looking.

"9, 10, 11… 14," she counted as she clumsily put the key in the lock and turned. It was a list of 14 different (and needless to say, **dark**) potions Malfoy was willing (or at least_ pretended_ to be willing) to sell. She continued studying the list as she shut the door behind her with her hip. They were all darker than Lily had ever seen. She only recognised a few by name, others she had never heard of even from Severus.

"You know if I were a Death Eater you'd already be dead."

She didn't even bother looking up at him. "If you were a Death Eater I wouldn't be so accustomed to your constantly being in my room like the rest of the furniture."

x

"Did you just compare me to the furniture? You know what, never mind. Where were you? When I got here there was no Lily, no cloak, and no letter of explanation or anything."

She finally deigned to look at him instead of the parchment and replied. James wasn't exactly sure what she had _said_ in reply because he had been too busy looking at her. She was Lily, beyond a doubt and yet there was something ineffably different.

"Lily, you look…" Half a dozen adjectives ran through his head. Ravishing. Stunning. Sexy. Beguiling. Delectable. Beautiful.

"Older?" she supplied for him. "I estimate I'm about 25 now, in a few minutes the aging potion will have completely worn off and I'll be 18 again."

"Ah…" That explained it. He wouldn't have believed it possible but she could actually be any more attractive than she already was but apparently it was. Even as he watched (ogled) her he could see her hair shorten to where he knew it would stop mid back, her face soften, and the biggest change James was saddest to observe, her curves lessen and frame thin out.

At least he wouldn't have to wait for 7 years to remedy _that_. If he could just get her to eat a bit more she could get back those curves he had seen that November full moon. 'How did I forget _that_?' he wondered. It seemed so long ago, so unreal. As did helping a wounded infant Mercury in the forest. So many things that happened since that first week of November that he had nearly forgotten them. He had no idea how he would react _now_ if she had come to him asking to help her out of her bra.

Actually he thought he knew just exactly how that little scene would go and it did him no credit.

She was back to her old, or rather, young self again. 25, he thought. He couldn't wait to know her for another 7 years, and yet he _would_ wait; happily.

The magic had worn off (on both of them) and seemed to snap James back into the present. "What were you doing with an aging potion?"

James listened to her account of what had happened that afternoon intently.

"_Lucius_ Malfoy?"

"I don't know, the only ever said his surname. Tall, blond, well built, gaudy family ring and recently married I understand."

"Has to be Lucius."

"You know him?"

"He was years ahead of us at Hogwarts. A prefect when we were in our first. A Slytherin, naturally."

"Why naturally?"

"Because Evans, he just reeks of Slytherinyness. Hates muggleborns and does everything in his power to stop legislation advocating muggle rights and the rights for non human magical beings. He's just so slimy, slipping into places he doesn't belong because of his wealth and connections."

"Can't say for certain he's a Death Eater, but at least you know he has at least 15, well 14 now, illegal potions."

"14?"

"Here's the list," she said passing him the parchment she had been inspecting when she had been ignoring him and the rest of the furniture.

"5 years in Azkaban per potion… He'll be in there for the rest of his life."

"If he's as slippery and well connected as you say it might be difficult to make the charge stick. After all, it's only my word against his. I was invisible at the time which will damage credibility because no one else can back me up."

"Save Sirius."

"Erm.. right. But Malfoy could say I could have got that potion from anywhere, and was just blaming him."

"Unless we search his house and find all 14 of those potions. Can't refute _that_ evidence."

"I should hope not."

"Let's see the potion," he said getting up and going over to her. She removed the bottle from the wooden box and handed it to him. The potion clung to the bottle sides as he turned it over in his hands. It had the viscosity of slightly diluted molasses, little bits floating around inside. "It's black," he said with disgust.

"No, it's red. Dark red. Come by the window; I'll show you."

He followed her to the other side of the room where she held it up so that light could shine through. Sure enough, in the proper light it looked like blood, probably was for the most part, he thought. She lowered it again and it seemed to go back to black with chunks floating in it. It reminded him of something but he couldn't quite think of what.

"I wish I didn't have to go to work," she said putting a hand to her stomach. Then it hit him. That's what that black gunk reminded him of. Lily's vomit.

"I have to go," she said putting on her apron. She tossed him his invisibility cloak.

"I'm not on you tonight, so I'll see you at the meeting."

x

The meeting was nine hours away, until then she would just have to tough it out and work. It did allow her a lot of time to think however, and think she did. She wouldn't mention Findart at the meeting, it wasn't exactly order business and there was a chance nothing would come of it. She _would _have to tell them about everything else. She would need to go over it in more detail with Sirius before the meeting if she could.

x

The moment he left the leaky Cauldron James mirrored Sirius. "Padfoot. Padfoot!"

"Yeah mate?"

"Tell me, was it really Lucius this afternoon?"

"Sounds like it."

"She said you went with her."

"Followed her, actually, and only to pick it up in case it was a set up. She went alone under the cloak the first time."

James snapped his fingers in frustration. He wasn't at all bothered that Sirius had been the one to go with her. There wasn't a man alive he trusted more. Now if there had been some mission that involved being alone in a bedroom with alcohol readily available, that would be a different story. Under these circumstances though he could only be glad his best friend had been there.

"Did he just get married?"

"Buggered if I know. I don't keep up with Society news."

"Someone at work is bound to know. Agatha would, she keeps up with things like that."

"Why not wait until she gives Dumbledore the memory, you know she's bound to. The old professor will be able to tell."

"True. And thanks for looking after her."

"Erm, not at all," Sirius said, then cleared his throat. He seemed to be choking on something. "You know she was followed out."

"Was she?"

"We lost them once under the cloak. I don't think Malfoy will be too pleased…"

x

Sylvain came in around 11 that evening, distracting Lily away from trying to spot the new order member. She walked over to him casually to take his order. After she brought it out and started pouring his red wine he whispered, "Did you get it?"

"Yes," she whispered back. "I have a break in half an hour, I'll get your gold then. And don't worry about the wine, it's on me. Tab for room number three."

"In that case leave the bottle."

Lily smirked and shook her head. "Oh, I'm sorry, did you want something?" she said, addressing the reedy man at the nearest table.

"No, thank you," came his reply. His voice was just as reedy as his frame. Lily went back to stand behind the bar and saw the man pull a flask from his own pocket to take a swig.

'What kind of cut-rate brings his own drink to a bar?' Lily asked herself. 'Alastor Moody, that's who," her brain supplied for her. He never drank anything he didn't prepare himself. That had been scribbled in the side column in his collection of notes.

There were a few shrieks of alarm and several loud POPS when the people in the Leaky Cauldron immediately dissapparated. A moment later Lily knew why. The two men that entered were both wearing the hood and robes of Death Eaters. They walked in heading directly for Chevalier.

"Who is Olga Malinkov?" one asked.

"Who?"

The Death Eater pointed his wand threateningly at Sylvain's throat. She recognised the garish family ring she had seen earlier that day. "I'm not playing Chevalier. Olga Malinkov."

"Lily Evans," said Chevalier immediately. At this Tom put his hand on her head and pushed her down to hide behind the bar. "Lily Evans I told you! Lily Evans, room three!" Chevalier said again in a panic when he saw that the Death Eater didn't seem pleased.

"Severus, go."

Lily could see the stairs from her crouch behind the bar. She couldn't see his face but she recognised his gait. It hadn't changed much since he was a boy in Spinner's End.

"Lily Evans? Dumbledore's own golden girl? Chevalier you disappoint me. You really are most trouble than you are worth. _Avada Kedavra_."

Lily couldn't see anything but the flash of green light that filled the room. She already knew what death by that curse looked like; she neither needed nor wanted to see it again.

She had been too busy listening to Malfoy she hadn't noticed standing on the stairs. Black eyes shone through the holes in the mask. He had seen her, he must have.

"_Please…_" she whispered desperately to herself. He continued down the steps.

"She's not here, Lucius, let's go."

"Was it there?"

"Yes, I have it." Lily could only assume he meant the potion.

"Easiest 300 galleons I ever made."

"The only 300 galleons you've ever made," Severus replied coolly.

"Come on," Lucius snapped. Both men left through the door, but beore it closed Lily heard him say, " _Mors__ Mordra!_"

The image that appeared in the sky must have baffled the muggles. Perhaps they thought it was some sinister firework. Lily rose slowly to her feet, the first words out of her mouth were in apology.

"I'm sorry Tom, this will be bad for business." She looked around, only themselves and the reedy little man remained.

"Evans," said the man with his own flask. "Come with me."

He walked around to her and grabbed her arm, but by then Lily had already got her wand out. She glared at him. "If you are Alastor Moody then what was the security question you asked me when I came to Auror Headquarters?"

He grinned nigh imperceptibly before replying. "What was Chevalier's nick name for you."

She sighed in relief, glad that it really was Moody and not someone else she had to be worried about. "Tom, this is head Auror, Alastor Moody. Moody, this is Tom."

She felt the need to introduce them seeing as two Death Eaters had just murdered one of Tom's customers in his bar. "I don't think I can come back to work, Tom. They'll be looking for me here."

The innkeeper nodded. "I'll send your things."

"Don't go in there until it's been declared safe by the ministry's dark detectors. It's probably been booby trapped for when she returns."

Tom nodded and she and Moody disapparated. He sent a patronus on ahead of them towards the castle before they started jogging that direction themselves. Half way there she heard a familiar pounding of hooves. They now had a proper escort to the castle.

"Hey boy," was all she had the breath enough to say. Once at the steps Mercury stopped and threw back his mane of silver hair. "I'll see you at dawn," she promised him. He snorted in satisfaction and charged of again. Moody made no comment as they climbed the several flights of stairs.

Dumbledore was there waiting when they arrived. To simplify things and to spare her the breath she didn't have she withdrew three memories from her mind with her wand. The first being her initial exploratory jaunt under the cloak, the second started when she entered Borgin & Burkes as Olga Malinkov and ending when she left, and the third of course was the recent murder of Sylvain Chevalier by Lucius Malfoy.

She was angry that she had lost the potion (their proof) and 300 galleons, but now they had the much stronger charge of murder against him. And the head auror himself had witnessed it. Now they _knew_ Malfoy was a Death Eater. There wasn't any way he could get out of this. _Or at least that's what Lily thought._

Both men disappeared into the pensieve while Lily sat and waited. She spotted the sorting hat sitting alone on its shelf and on impulse picked it up and put it on her head. It didn't fall down over her eyes now.

"My my, it's much more crowded in here than it was last time," said the hat amusedly.

"You are a sorting hat, try sorting out my mind."

"That may be a bit beyond my ken. It's a lovely mess up here."

"Sorry, I don't know what prompted me to try. I'll leave you be."

"No, don't go. It's rather lonely being a hat that's only used once a year. It's a rare treat to see how well I sorted."

"And?"

"I remember wanting to put you in Slytherin."

"I do too. Why didn't you?"

"There was no doubt that you would do well by Slytherin, but I was less certain that Slytherin would do well by you."

"Meaning you put me in Gryffindor because I was muggle born?"

"No just that, but it was the tie breaker."

Lily wondered what it would have been like being in Slytherin house. Would John and the others still have tried to kill her or would they have become friends?

"Ah, John Michaels," said the hat, obviously having read her thoughts. "There's another one. I was going to put him in Gryffindor but he asked to be in Slytherin."

Lily could see that, a young boy with the pressure he must have felt from his parents. In the end he hadn't been a successful Gryffindor _or_ Slytherin, but an odd sad failure of both.

"But we are what we make of ourselves. It is your actions, not your house that defines you."

"But the house helps. The company you keep does affect you." John had had rotten parents and rotten friends that had swayed him. But in the end none of them had truly conquered him completely.

"Yes indeed. And you have been keeping excellent company, haven't you. It brings out the best in you."

Lily didn't ask who he meant for she suspected she already knew. She ran in a rather closed circle these days, not that she was complaining.

She saw Dumbledore and Moody reappear so she thanked the hat and bid him a pleasant day before putting him back on his shelf. The headmaster peered over his spectacles at her and she swallowed the lump that seemed to rise in her throat. "Did you know Severus Snape from before?"

"Yes, Professor." It was useless to lie. "We were kids together. Grew up in the Spinner's end."

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows and she took this to mean she had to continue with her story until he was satisfied with it.

"He erm… That is my parents invited him over whenever they could, asking him to baby-sit my sister and I throughout most of the holidays. Looking back I think it was just their attempt to get him out of that terrible house he grew up in. I was too young to remember the first time he came over. But I can't remember a summer before 5 year that he wasn't a part of."

"5th year? That would make him 20, surely he wasn't still at Spinner's End at that age."

"No sir, but he was…" Lily sighed. This was something she didn't particularly care to admit to anyone. "He was part of the family." Although what kind of brother betrays his family so cruelly?

"And then?"

"I learned his was a Death Eater, and my parents were murdered by Death Eaters. Thus the end of our family connection. Of any family connection. Petunia and I separated on the same day as well."

"I see…" He looked over and gave Moody a nod who tilted his head in a 'alright fine' sort of gesture.

"Why?" she dared to ask.

"Just curious," Dumbledore replied. She suspected the headmaster had lied to her. She knew that Moody suspected of her to be cooperating with Death Eaters some how to infiltrate the order. They must have thought, as she had, that Severus had seen her as she hid behind the bar. Perhaps he hadn't seen her after all. Or perhaps…

It didn't matter. Just because he didn't kill her didn't make them friends, didn't make things right.

They had arrived rather earlier than expected. The other members wouldn't arrive for another two hours yet. She didn't want to wait in Dumbledore's office for another two hours of awkward silence. She asked permission to go see Hagrid which the headmaster granted, and so she left the office.

She felt guilty, why she didn't know. Perhaps that was just her natural reaction now when something bad happened. Strangely she didn't think it was Sylvain's death. He had willingly given her up to the Death Eaters when he thought (rightly) that his life was in danger.

Somehow she felt guilty about Spinner's End. She couldn't know as a child that Severus would be a Death Eater, yet she was ashamed about that bit of her past. She was even more ashamed that she hadn't been entirely honest with Dumbledore. The worst part that she didn't even like to admit to herself much less to anyone else.

She knew Severus was a Death Eater long before her parents were murdered. She was too innocent, too naive, too blind too see Severus as anything but the 11 year old boy she knew when she was five. It wasn't until her parents were murdered that her eyes were opened to the real world. It was only then she realised what Death Eaters were, what they did, what they stood for. For years she had done nothing but sit there oblivious to it all.

Despite her blood he had asked her if she wanted to join. She didn't take him seriously, why would the dark lord want a muggle born when he openly hated them? She declined, of course and that same month her family was broken irreparably apart. She always blamed herself. She was sure it was in retaliation for her refusal. She didn't know how much Severus had to play in her parents' death. Even now she doubted he was one of them who actually performed the curse but he belonged with those that did. He willingly gave himself to a group that killed two people who were more like parents than his own biological ones.

That was the sticking point. She realised that she had never known him, and the boy she thought she knew, the one she had loved so innocently never existed. She promised she would never be so duped again. She wouldn't let feelings get in the way of reason. She would never allow someone she loved to be hurt by the dark arts.

She had never told anyone that, and she hoped she never would. What would James do if he knew? She didn't want to think about his reaction.

Her spirits lifted when she found not only Hagrid, but Mercury as well sitting outside the gamekeeper's cottage.

"Shouldn't you be at the Leaky Cauldron?" Hagrid asked, surprised. Hagrid had been left out when it came to taking turns watching Lily. Hagrid was famous in his own way, and would be quite unmistakable in any disguise. He couldn't even use polyjuice because it was meant only for humans, and he was only half.

She stroked the unicorn's nose and neck before she spoke. "Things didn't exactly go according to plan. Chevalier was murdered tonight, and I can never go back. Dumbledore will give you the full details at tonight's meeting. How have you been?"

Lily knew that she wasn't exactly abiding by the conversational status quo. One doesn't usually say "oh yes, he was murdered, and how are you?" It just didn't flow but Lily didn't care. She knew that the half giant wouldn't press her either, and for that she was grateful.

"The thestrals have all completely recovered. And one of the Hippogriffs gave birth."

"Ooh, boy or girl?"

"Boy. Perfectly healthy."

Lily smiled. "How wonderful. How's Fluffy?"

"Gettin bigger every day," said Hagrid with a grin.

He made a pot of tea which they drank as they spoke comfortably about magical creatures. Lily couldn't help but think he would make a much better Care of Magical Creatures teacher than the current one. Hagrid actually _cared_ about the animals.

"Actually, I had something I wanted ter discuss with Dumbledore before the meeting. Ye don't mind if we go a bit early?"

She did mind, but she swore the contrary. Mercury nuzzled her and she gave his nose a kiss and his neck a squeeze. "Maybe tomorrow at dusk instead?" she asked. She was exhausted and didn't particularly feel like waking up at dawn… She might not even have gone to bed by then.

Hagrid wasn't the only one to arrive early. Four men were in the office as well as Dumbledore. Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, and James Potter.

"Hagrid!" said Remus jovially. "It's been too long."

"Remus," Hagrid grinned. "Look at ye. All four of ye in the same room again. Hope they haven't been too much trouble for ye Professor Dumbledore."

"They've been behaving themselves. For once…"

All for boys, actually they were men now, grinned in the same marauder fashion. Lily wished that she had been with them in their year, then took back the wish. She liked them as they were.

"I'm Lily Evans," she said holding her hand out to Peter.

"I'm a git, or at least that's what my friends call me."

"Nice to meet you," she chuckled. "Mind if I call you Peter?"

"Not at all. I've been known to answer to that upon occasion. Not making any promises though."

Hagrid and Dumbledore went to the 'corner' and spoke privately, leaving Lily with the four musketeers. She felt like an outsider. They all had so much history together and she was just… the little kid who had somehow tagged along.

"Did Dumbledore tell you what happened?" she asked, not to any one of them in particular.

"He didn't mention anything. Why? What happened?" James asked.

Moody had clearly left to attend to other things but he returned at that moment in a whirl of green light. Green _fire_ light. It wasn't the same as the flash of green that accompanied the killing curse, but if reflected off the walls in quite the same way. Lily shuddered involuntarily.

"Evans your things have been moved to Headquarters, you can get them when you want. Chevalier's body has been removed and Tom says 'No hard feelings and G'luck.'

The marauders turned their surprised expressions to Lily, who supplied no explanation. She simply nodded to Moody and sat down in one of the many chairs that now filled the office.

McGonagall was the first to arrive, but the others all trickled in. It was the first time the entire order was there, and Lily saw several new faces. Not just from new members like Peter, but old ones that she had not yet met. Alice greeted her affectionately as did Benjy Fenwick.

"Dungface?" she asked in disbelief when Mundungus walked (stumbled) in.

"he he he… Dungface," said Peter.

"Why have we never used that one before?" asked James.

"You're drunk!" Lily accused, shocked.

"M'not," he said before hiccupping.

She pulled out her wand and performed a charm she had once done for her Defence Against the Dark Arts professor.

"Oi…" said Mundungus unhappily, but in a much clearer tone of voice. "Why did you do that? That's just cruel, Lily"

"S'Alright Dung. That just means she likes you," said James.

The conversation ended there for Dumbledore began the meeting. It was unbelievably long and Lily grew weary of her fellow order members continuing to shoot glances her way. 'Yes that's right, Lily Evans has ruined it again. Lost their contact they hoped to use and made a mess of everything. What's new? he might as well tell them about Polly Abbot while he was at it.' And he _did_. It was all Lily could do to hide her face in shame. She should have expected this. She was the youngest member, still a student. Doubtlessly all the other members were wondering why on earth she was allowed to be there. That's what _she_ would be wondering. Hell, that's what she **_was_** wondering.

She kept her eyes down; she couldn't take their glances anymore. Not surprisingly, when a new mission was discussed Lily was _not_ asked to take part in it. She was in time out, it seemed. Let the adults carry on while she sat with her nose in the corner.

When the meeting ended it was nearing five in the morning. She didn't wait or say anything. She was actually rather rude in leaving without bidding them goodbye, she just walked right out of the office. She did so as quietly and unobtrusively as possible while they lingered to discuss things or catch up with each other since the last meeting.

She would have said that she ran back to her common room, but running smacked of cowardice. It was as if she were running _away_. Which, if she were feeling perfectly honest, she was. However she wasn't feeling honest just then so she allowed herself to believe that she was walking briskly to her common room. She was tired, she wanted to go to bed that was all.

She collapsed onto her bed and buried her face in the pillow. The stiff one that didn't truly belong there. She lay there, face down a long time just thinking. Why couldn't she get things right? Why hadn't she followed the order's plan? If she hadn't tried to buy something then this wouldn't have happened.

She pummelled her pillow repeatedly. The one thing she wanted was to help, to fight, to make things better. Why couldn't she do it right?

x

"Speaking of, where _is_ Lily. Really, well done," said Alice. Her husband added his praise in as well. "In such a short time finds out who Chevalier's contact with the Death Eaters. Lucius Malfoy. Always knew he was rotten. Glad we finally have something on him. Chevalier's no loss…"

"Frank, that's not a nice thing to say."

"No one is going to be crying that he's gone. He was scum, Alice. His dying was the best thing he ever did for us."

"Hmm…" said James looking around. Where _was_ Lily. She was being praised right and left and she wasn't even around to hear it. "Sirius, seen Lily?"

Sirius, who had been speaking animatedly with Dorcas Meadowes turned to his best friend and shrugged before returning to his conversation.

"She's gone," said the tiny Elphias Doge. "Bolted the moment it ended. Modest little thing, isn't she?" he wheezed.

"Thanks," said James giving the tiny wizard a pat.

"Going Prongs?" asked Peter. This question drew the attention of Remus as well.

"Yeah, think I'm going to call it a night."

"Still on for tomorrow?" asked Remus.

"Yes sir!" said James giving him a half sort of salute.

"Don't keep her up too late; she's had a long day." Sirius had apparently abandoned his conversation with Dorcas and now draped a casual arm around his friend's shoulder. James looked around nervously to see if anyone heard. He didn't think anyone but the Marauders had. Still, he shot his friend a warning glare.

"I'm going to _bed_. Goodnight all. Until tomorrow, or later today actually."

He left before he could hear Sirius say, "Yeah, but _whose_ bed, that's the question." Remus and Peter grinned with him.

"Oh Sirius, leave them alone," said Alice Longbottom.

"They know I love 'em," he said shrugging.

x

"Hey, what did that pillow ever do to you?" James said from the doorway.

"It started it," she mumbled into the pillow question

"How?"

"It was taunting me."

"Come on, Red. This is me," he said sitting down on the bed next to her.

Lily sighed. "Alright the pillow is completely innocent."

"No kidding."

"Want me to hit _you_?"

"Sorry, you were saying?"

"I messed up again. I got our link killed. If I had just done what I was told…"

x

"Lils, what are you saying? You did brilliantly! If you had stuck around for even a minute you would have been blushing at all the praise you received." Why was he untying her apron? Probably so he could more easily rub her back, as he seemed to be doing.

"But he didn't ask me to work on this next assignment."

"Of course he's not going to give you any more work, you've done more than anyone this past month. He said himself he feels guilty for putting you through so much."

"Really?"

"Of course. Now leave that poor pillow of yours alone."

"Actually it's _your_ poor pillow."

"All the more reason to stop abusing it."

"I already have. Oh that feels amazing, don't stop."

"What? Oh." That's right, he was rubbing her back. Focus.

"I could fall asleep just like this, but I can't."

"Why not?"

"I need breakfast, shower, and something clean to change into before I pass out for 10 hours."

"Yes! Food, excellent idea. You need food." She needed those curves back. "Come on, we are going to the kitchens," he said getting up.

Lily sighed and rolled (literally) out of bed. "My massage…" she whined.

xxx

"James, Lily," said Remus looking surprised when the pair of them entered the kitchens minutes later.

"I'd ask what you are doing here but that's only too obvious," said Lily. Good thing she said something, he was too flabbergasted to speak. He had just told them he was going to bed and here he shows up in the kitchens with Lily a half an hour later.

"Sirius and Peter wanted food, so…"

"They haven't left yet?"

"Nope, taken over the hospital wing, actually, seeing as there are several empty beds. Mundungus decided to stay here as well."

"Oh, can't imagine Madame Pomfey being too happy about that."

"She didn't know last I saw. Things might have changed since then." There was a bit of a pause. "So…"

"Poppy!" Lily said happily.

"Can Poppy get you anything?"

"Anything! I'm famished."

The elf dipped a little curtsey and was off and back again before Remus had been brought his food.

"You get rather faster service than I do it appears."

"You probably have a bigger order," Lily said biting into a sausage. Remus locked eyes with James for a moment and gave him a curt nod. James knew this meant that Remus wouldn't mention this to Sirius or Peter. He gave a thankful nod in reply.

Remus left once his food was brought out and he bid them a good morning.

"James, that was rather rude of you."

"What?"

"You didn't say a word the entire time he was here."

"I don't think he's heartbroken," he said with a chuckle.

James was entirely pleased when Lily declared that she hadn't eaten so much in ages, and might need to be carted back to her room. With one easy motion he lifted her up over one shoulder and walked out of the kitchen. Good thing it was holidays and not many students were about. This would be just about the time when the early birds would be heading to breakfast.

They did pass someone, however. Fortunately, it was only Peeves the Poltergeist. He didn't do anything foul though, he simply gave James a salute and said, "Carry on Mr. Potter, sir!"

"I intend to, Peeves, thank you." He jumped a bit to keep Lily from sliding off. Interestingly enough she hadn't said a word since they left the kitchens, not a "unhand me" or a "put me down" or anything.

"Alright back there Evans?" he said giving her rump a pat.

"Just enjoying the view."

"Good good. Vigilance."

He unloaded her onto her bed. "Shower and then sleep."

"I have nothing to sleep in."

"I'll find something. Might not be clean, but it will be more comfortable than what you are wearing. I'll take your clothes to Poppy so you can put on clean things later."

In the bathroom Lily undressed, opened the door a crack, and threw out her clothes. James gathered them up and walked out of the room before he called to Poppy, who instantly came.

"Yes, Mister Potter, sir?"

"Can you clean those for me? Er, for Lily?" He placed them on the couch so he wouldn't actually have to 'give' them to her. "And don't bring them back until at least 2."

He didn't want the house elf's noisy arrival to wake them any sooner than that.

James hadn't taken long to go back to his room to grab sleep things, but short as he had been, Lily had been shorter with her shower.

"Lils?"

She stretched a bare arm out of the door to take the clothes before shutting it again. She came out a minute later sniffing the shirt she had just donned.

"It doesn't smell that bad," she said approvingly.

"I tried."

"I appreciate your efforts. If it weren't for you I'd have to sleep naked."

Damn it why had he offered to get her pyjamas?

She slid onto the bed with a satisfied moan. "My darling bed, I'm not leaving you for at least 10 hours."

James studied her face intently.

"What?" she asked nervously, a blush creeping into her cheeks.

"You don't have freckles," he said, pointing to her face.

"Not anymore, no."

"I thought all red heads had freckles."

"Well I guess you were wrong."

James shrugged. "There are worse things to be wrong about."

"So true," she said closing her eyes. "Any chance of that massage again?"

"That depends."

"Please?"

He would have obliged if she said, 'Do it now, slave!' but of course it didn't occur to her not to be nice as it would have to him.

It felt much different this time, instead of those robes and cloak it was just that thin bit of fabric. Nothing else. Just that one slight layer between his hands and her skin. In some sticky part of his mind James knew that her underthings were among the articles that wouldn't be back until the afternoon...

"You are amazing, James," she sighed. He liked the way she said his name just then. It was breathless and satisfied and yet somehow desirous at the same time.

"I get that a lot."

"Shhh… no talking."

"As you wish, my dear."

x

Neither of them woke up until two in the afternoon when Poppy arrived with her clothes. The loud CRACK startled them both into consciousness.

"Thanks Poppy," James mumbled. The elf nodded and disappeared with another loud CRACK. Lily opened her eyes and groaned at the brightness. "No," she said waving a hand commandingly at the bed curtains. Obediently they drew closed blocking out the light.

"Impressive, half asleep and without a wand." James began to open the curtains again so he could get out.

She threw a hand in his general direction hitting his ear. "Don't open them. Too bright."

"You have to get out of bed at some point."

"I could stay in bed all day. In fact, I think I will."

As appetizing it would be to join her in this he couldn't. "Sounds lovely. I have to get up. Going to play Quidditch with the lads."

"Can I watch?"

"I thought you were going to stay in bed all day?"

"Only because there wasn't anything that seemed more appealing."

"Ah, but the thought of watching me work my magic on the pitch was just too much to resist, eh?"

"Erm, sure."

xxx

An hour later they were both changed, fed, and walking out the Quidditch pitch.

"Lily! Glad you could join, you are playing I hope?" asked Sirius.

"Spectator only."

"Hmm, well, that's alright. The Gid and Fab are joining us, so that makes 3 on 3. I'll take Gideon and Mooney."

"Which means I have Fabian and Wormtail."

"There they are, I can see their hair," said Peter pointing. The group turned to see two figures with violent red hair in the distance.

James _was_ impressive to watch. She remembered her classmates a few weeks ago saying he was a god on a broom, and while those weren't the words _she_ would have chosen they certainly got the point across. He spun, wove and dove like a professional, dodging the opposing team and making goals with the utmost skill and grace.

She wanted to shout 'Go James!' but couldn't bring herself to. She didn't want to appear like the smitten fool she really was.

x

"Showing off a bit today, are we?" said Sirius as he flew beside James to defend him. "Don't know why you bother, she isn't even watching."

"Wha?" James looked towards the stands and sure enough, her eyes were glued to the bit of parchment she was reading. James, slightly put out by this, huffed and continued playing (with slightly less panache than before.)

"James!" Lily? It had to be, she was the only woman around and it had definitely been a woman who just yelled. "JAMES!" she shouted again.

He turned quickly to look for her, he spotted her just as the quaffle Peter passed to him hit him in the back of the head. 'Great, she's finally looking at me and she sees that.' He rubbed the quaffle bruised area as he shouted back, "What?"

"Come here!" she said beckoning frantically.

"Time out lads!" he called to them as he flew to the stands, leaving the rest of the players behind .

"She's not one of _those_ girlfriends is she? The kind that makes him drop everything to attend to her tiniest whim," Peter asked to Remus and Sirius, all three of whom had gathered together to watch the scene.

"No, she's not," said Sirius, brows drawn together in concern. "Evans doesn't suffer from feminine 'whims' and she doesn't nag. It must be important."

"SIRIUS!" James bellowed. 'Yes, something's definitely wrong,' he thought as he flew over to join them.

"What is it?" he asked immediately upon arrival, not even dismounting his broom.

"Sirius, yours cousins Narcissa and Bellatrix, who did they marry?" James asked.

"Sorry, missed that last few family news letters," he said sarcastically. "Didn't even know my own mum died until two weeks later when I got the statement from Gringotts telling me the gold from the Black vault had been moved into mine."

"Your mum died?"

"Sirius, read this," she said snatching the letter out of James hands and handing it to his best friend.

xxx

Lily had been happily watching the lads play quidditch when the owl arrived. She opened it curiously, the scratching was so thing and scratchy she could barely make it out at first. She knew immediately who it was from despite the unfamiliar hand for it was addressed _"Dear Lily Evans of vault 877..."_

_'Findart!'_ she thought and concentrated more on deciphering the penmanship. He and his brothers had done it. Nearly everything from one of the ministry vaults (save the gold) had been taken. The master key to the floo network, all the other charts and documents had been taken from the vault currently under the name of Wanda Upkirk, treasurer for the Department of Magical Transportation. The possibilities were very worrying.

The last people with whom Clandart had been working had been two sisters, Bellatrix and Narcissa formerly of the house of Black. Both had had vaults under their maiden names but both had been emptied and closed in the past two weeks. Not only that but his brother Endart had gone to the Dover mines at the dark lord's request, for what purpose none of them knew.

x

After James and Sirius had bother read the Findart's missive it was agreed upon by all that an immediate trip to the castle was necessary. Sirius, who hadn't even properly dismounted rose into the air first, followed closely by Lily and James, who had both sent a patronus to alert the headmaster of their immanent arrival.

She didn't even think twice about where to hold onto this time, she wrapped her arms securely around his middle and held on tight as they bolted to the castle. When the great oak doors were in sight Lily put a hand out and bade them open. Sirius flew right in, not bothering to get off his broom so neither did Lily and James. Instead they flew up the several flights of stairs, shortening the usual long trek considerably.

They only got off once they reached the gargoyle which seemed to take twice as long as it usual, the way things always do when one is in a hurry.

"Wanda Upkirk went missing," said Sirius. "Said so in last weeks Prophet."

"I'll go to London. Tell Moody. The minister himself should be informed. Professor?"

"Yes, James. I quite agree."

"Is it safe to apparate? If they really have everything we think they have then they can monitor our every move."

" London is too big to track every witch or wizard that pops in and out. And Hogsmeade is a magical village, there are too many witches and wizards to keep track of which one goes where."

"Are you positive?" she asked worriedly.

"Not entirely, no," James said honestly. "But we don't have much choice. Besides, what's suspicious about going to London?"

"They know who we are, James. They might be watching for us specifically. Especially Dumbledore. Floo network is definitely out and apparating is chancy. Any kind of magical transport short of a broom stick isn't safe."

"Illegal portkey?"

"Professor, would they be able to detect a portkey they themselves did not create?"

"Not the Department of Magical Transportation, but if the Improper Use of Magic Office is likewise infested, the Trace might have been reinstated," said Dumbledore

"The trace?"

"It's what the ministry uses to detect underage magic," James supplied uselessly.

"But isn't that taken off at 17?"

"Should be, of course. But they claim that the Ministry can't tell who exactly uses magic in a given area, only that it has been used and that the Ministry relies on wizard and witch parents to enforce the ban underage magic within their homes. Thing is, if supposedly the trace is taken off at 17 then there should be no confusion as to if the magic detected was underage or not because the parents trace should have already been lifted. Truth is they can detect all magic."

"But in London or Hogsmeade."

"They couldn't possibly know it was us."

"But say if we apparated somewhere, in the middle of no where, and then did magic…"

"There would be no doubt."

"Professor?" Lily turned to the headmaster, asking, almost pleading for a brilliant solution but of course there was none.

"I could make a portkey, magic done in Hogwarts is undetectable, but that wouldn't stop them from sensing your arrival in London."

"Well?" James asked Lily.

"What's life without a few risks, right?" she offered with a weak smile.

"Hear hear!" chimed in Sirius.

"Very well," said Dumbledore. As if he were changing the colour, Dumbledore changed the quill on his desk into a Portkey. "Are we all ready?"

"I don't have my cloak."

"Will you need it?" Sirius asked.

"I like to be prepared…"

Once the group of four landed in London in front of the Ministry of Magic James turned to Sirius. "Hate to do this to you, but try to find out about Bellatrix and Narcissa. Professor is going directly to the minister, Lily, meet me in Moody's office."

Sirius wasn't going into the Ministry so it was only Lily and Dumbledore who entered the phone booth. It still made Lily slightly nervous being alone with the headmaster. She trusted Dumbledore, but his power frightened her and she felt like every time he looked at her he could see all of her faults.

They parted ways at the lifts in the Atrium, Dumbledore to go to the Minister and Lily for Auror Headquarters. James wasn't in Moody's office. He was standing in the office area talking to Agatha Argyle. It seemed like a serious conversation so she turned to go on to Moody's office alone but he caught her hand.

"Wait."

x

"James," Agatha greeted him when he appeared.

"Hullo."

"Come to talk to Moody?"

"Yeah," he replied shortly, putting his hands in his pockets.

"Well Bartholomew Togglepike is in there right now."

"Important?"

"Seems to be, he went in over an hour ago."

"Damn, this is important."

"What is it?"

"I can't tell you."

"James…"

"I can't Aggie, you aren't my partner anymore."

"You told me things before we were partners."

"It was different back then."

"Come back."

"Aggie don't do this."

"We were good together, weren't we? We worked well together."

"As aurors perhaps, but we just weren't cut out for a relationship."

"You just stopped trying. Your going to Hogwarts changed everything. Get Moody to put someone else on Hogwarts and come back. You are better in action than in a classroom. Moody says he'd replace you if you wanted."

"That's up to me, not you."

"Give us another chance James."

"It's too late."

"No it's not!" she said shaking her head in furious hope. "Just leave Hogwarts and we can go back to how we were."

"I don't love you," he said simply. It was harsh and he knew it but she needed to hear it. Tears formed in her eyes but she blinked them away.

"Did you ever?"

"Don't do this…"

"Answer the question."

"I cared for you. I still care about you but…"

"Is there someone else?"

James didn't say anything

"Is it _her_?" he voice full of sadness and contempt.

"Who."

"The one from Hogsmeade. The one whose things _I_ declared safe and brought back here last night. The girl who just walked in."

James turned around to see walking towards Moody's office but he stopped her.

"Wait." She gave him an inquisitive look and he responded. "Someone is in there. Looks as if we will just have to wait our turn."

"Ah." She looked between James and Agatha, noting the woman's serious expression and James's exasperated one. She seemed to have realised she had interrupted something. "I'll just… go wait at your desk then shall I?" she said. James released her hand and she left. James's desk was on the opposite side of the room so there was no danger of her hearing, still James cocked his head to the hallway and Agatha followed him out.

"She has nothing to do with us, so leave her out of it. We were over before I even left for Hogwarts, it just took me a while to realise it."

"How can you say that?"

"Agatha, We have more important things to do than pick over our relationship. I'm sorry but it's over, Aggie. You are a great auror and a great woman and you will always be important to me, but…"

"Enough," she said cutting him off. "I get it, alright. I have to get back to work."

He went back to his desk to find Lily sitting on his desk, her feet on his chair and her elbows resting on her knees. She lifted her legs and crossed them underneath her to allow him to sit. He brought his head down to his desk. "Women."

Lily rumpled his hair consolingly. "Occupational hazard."

"_You have no idea_…" he mumbled. Merlin, she really didn't.

"Moody's door is opening; someone is leaving," she said sliding off the desk.

James knocked twice sharply before entering. "Moody, are you free? It's important."

Moody looked at his watch. "How important?"

James shut the door before he said boldly, "Death Eaters have control over the Department of Magical Transportation. The ministry vault has been raided and everything removed."

"Sit," he barked. "Explain."

James ushered Lily in front of him to take the seat. "Give him the letter."

"Dragon's breath," Moody swore as he read.

"Dumbledore's gone to the minister," James added.

"Good. Lestrange. Knew they were on his side."

"Lestrange?" Lily asked.

"Bellatrix Lestrange, sister of Nacrissa Malfoy."

"Malfoy?" James asked incredulously.

"After last night I did some research on Malfoy in the registries. Married Narcissa Black not long ago."

"What do we do?"

"Pay a visit to the Department of Magical Transportation."

"They will know something is up if a group of aurors show up and start asking questions."

"Did you bring that cloak of yours?"

"Of course."

x

Moody knocked on Benedict Bennington's office door while Lily and James stood silently hidden under the invisibility cloak. The man appeared and Moody asked him to have a word in his office and the two men walked out.

"Do you think Bennington…?"

"Probably not. Might be under the imperius curse but I'd say it's someone else that's running things." James did a quick sweep of the office, but there was nothing unusual or out of the ordinary so they left the office and went into the next door which appeared to have been very recently relabelled **_Research Room_**.

Luckily the occupants of the room were too busy to notice the door open and close of its own accord. Everyone was paying close attention to the wall.

James too looked at it in amazement. It was like an enormous variation of the Marauder's Map. People's names flashed in one place and a red line connected it to another place on the enormous map, the name reappearing at the end point. The largest section was devoted to Great Britain, which was divided up into 12 sections, one person at a desk per section. Hundreds of names appeared and disappeared in various places of the map. Most names were in normal writing but every now and then a name would be highlighted and the wizard in charge of that section would make a note of it and report into the log. The note would immediately zip away out the door. He caught a glimpse of one such name. **Dorcas Meadowes**.

"_We need to know who is receiving those notes_," Lily whispered. Her mouth was actually touching his ear but her voice was so soft he still almost didn't hear it. James nodded. They moved down along the row of desks until they seemed to be in a different room, yet again another enormous map but of a completely different sort. This was obviously for the Floo network, because instead of a map of Britain it was like an enormous web, of several thousand miniature grates, one leading to another. Most were lit up as if there were a light behind them, others were dark, presumably fireplaces that had been disconnected from the network. They would flicker green as a wizard used them. There were no names this time, but certain fireplaces flickered red instead, and the wizard in charge of that grate would make another note that someone had arrived at that location. Again, the bit of parchment zoomed out of the room.

James grabbed her hand and they both darted after it. Out of the room, through the other and out into the corridor it disappeared into it's only miniature fireplace. The little pieces of paper erupted in a flash of green, appearing who knew where.

"Damn it," said James, slightly out of breath. "Come on, back to Moody's."

That meeting lasted longer than the one earlier that day, going through the points again and again, repeating the same questions as if they would suddenly have the answer now as opposed to when they asked it 5 minutes previously. How many in the map room were under Voldemort's employ and how many of them are just under the imperius curse? Where did those notes disappear to? To one of Voldemort's supporter in the ministry of to the dark lord himself? If the former they needed to learn who that was, if the latter… well damn.

They had hashed over everything a few times to no avail so after collecting Lily's luggage (shrunk and put in Lily's pocket) they left. They were walking into the Atrium when Lily asked, "Do you think your names would light up if we apparated to Hogsmeade?"

"Yes," he replied turning to look at her. She looked weary, worried, hopeful and angry at the same time. Everything seemed to swirl together in those deep pools of green.

"We are going to apparate back anyway, aren't we?"

"We can be safely back in the castle before they can get to us."

"You don't think they would see our names and immediately jump to Hogsmeade, do you?"

"No. Voldemort likes to plan things out. But it might happen one of these days."

"So let's just hope today's not that day."

"Right," he said putting an arm around her. He led her to a disapparating dock and squeezed her even closer to take them both back to Hogsmeade.

Another long meeting in Dumbledore's office ensued, the results just as fruitless as the previous one had been. The only thing they could decide one was to hold another Order meeting soon, to consult all the other members.

x

Lily waited until they were back in her room and she was unpacking her recently reacquired trunk before she spoke what had truly been on her mind.

"James?"

"Hmm?" He was sprawled on her bed staring upward in a sort of daze.

"If people knew about this they'd be afraid to even leave their homes."

"They already are, Lily. Surely you must have noticed that. People don't talk to anyone they don't know and avoid contact with those they do. No one trusts each other any more. Those that still turn up to work only talk about the weather because no one knows who is and isn't working for you know who. Hogwarts is the only place that's somewhat unchanged, but even here…"

"I know. And why did they bother killing Wanda Updike? They could have used Clandart all the same to get into her vault."

"She probably wasn't as cooperative as her co-workers. Perhaps she had begun to resist the imperius curse and had to be eliminated."

"You think that's it?"

"I think it's most likely."

She sighed and plopped down on the bed next to him. "I think they are too far ahead of us. We are just chasing after them trying to explain how they managed to do the terrible things they've already done. How are we supposed to stop these things from happening if we are so far behind?"

"I don't know," he said putting a comforting arm around her. "But that's no excuse to give up."

"I would never," she said adamantly. James turned to her and grinned sadly at her.

"I know you wouldn't. That's what I love about you."

x

The moment he said he stopped breathing. It had simply come out. How would she take it? Would it bother her? Please her?

"But I still want a better way to fight this. I want to win." She replied. She hadn't even noticed his slip.

"We will win. We'll find a way."

"You think so?"

"I know so."

She smiled at him and snuggled into his arm. This seemed to shock James and he jumped out of the bed.

"Dumbledore. I'm going to see Dumbledore. I'll be back later." He walked quickly out of her room and back up the stairs to the Headmaster's office.

"James?" the headmaster said in mild surprise. James was a bit surprised himself, but he had made up his mind the moment Lily snuggled into him. He was going to take Agatha's advice and leave Hogwarts. If he left Hogwarts he wouldn't be Lily's teacher anymore and nothing would be stopping them.

"It's about Li… Miss Evans."

"Yes?"

"I… love her."

Dumbledore did nothing but sit there for a moment, staring at him. "And?"

James brows furrowed in confusion. "And… am I not fired?"

"Why would I do that, James?"

"Well… because she's a student!"

"Yes, and if you had gone around seducing all of your students I would discharge you immediately, but seeing as how I knew this was not the case I saw no reason to have you leave when you play such an important role here."

"You _knew?_"

"I would never presume to know something like that."

"And you really aren't going to punish me?"

"James, I heartily hope I never live to see the day when truly loving someone is considered a bad thing and I will certainly never punish someone for something truly wonderful. In these times, love is the only real weapon we have with which to fight back. You will be a rather powerful enemy against Voldemort."

It sounded to James as if Dumbledore knew a thing or two about forbidden love. "And… do you know… if she…? Erm, never mind." He wasn't a schoolboy anymore and he wasn't going to ask Dumbledore if he thought she loved him back. He was a man, he could find out for himself. "Good evening, Professor."

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "Just try to be a bit more discreet."

James smiled back. "Sorry, sir. I only found out recently myself."

Lily was flying out her portrait hole when he had arrived at the top of the landing.

"Lily! Where are you going?"

"Hagrid's. I promised Mercury I'd visit him. I almost forgot."

The unicorn seemed to have matured significantly since James had last seen him. If James saw any other unicorn his age he would consider it full grown, but somehow he would always think of Mercury as a child. He still had a youthful spirit even though his body was fully an adult's now.

"It's amazing how fast they grow, in'it?" said Hagrid appreciatively.

x

"They have to," replied Lily stroking the beasts neck lovingly. "_What do you say, boy? Want to give me a ride?_" she whispered in his ear.

Mercury lowered his head to allow her to get on.

"Oi! What are you doing?" James shouted, but it was too late. She was already mounted and away. Just a quick dash to the lake and back, staying in sight the whole time. It had been a long time since she had been horseback riding, and she had never done it without a saddle, but the unicorn's gait was so smooth and graceful Lily didn't feel at all uncomfortable. He slowed to a trot as they approached Hagrid's hut. Hagrid was smiling broadly and James… wasn't. It wasn't exactly an angry face, nor was it pleased. If anything she would say he looked confused but that surely couldn't have been it. It was rather self explanatory, nothing for a clever man like him to be confused about.

His expression cleared when Sirius's voice sounded from his robes. He turned around and fished it out and walked a few steps away to talk.

"He's beau'iful," said Hagrid affectionately.

"He most certainly is," she said dismounting. Hagrid produced a sort of brush and Lily brushed down Mercury's coat, though it didn't really need it. His coat couldn't shine any more than it already did.

x

James didn't tell Lily about his extra visit to the Headmaster that night when they went to bed. He didn't want to just yet. Well, that wasn't exactly true. He _did_ want to, he just needed to pluck up the courage. He, James Potter, proud Gryffindor and auror needed to find the courage. It was probably the scariest thing he had yet faced. Possible rejection. He couldn't handle it if she did. It was much easier to just stay the way they were. It was as if they were already a couple. In fact, throughout the day he often forgot they weren't. It was only when it came to certain physical activities that their relationship varied from that of a real couple's. He could forgo those activities a while longer to buy some more time. He _would_ tell her though. Soon. Just not tonight. Maybe not tomorrow either. Or the day after...

x

Next day Lily sat in her common room as James continued to sleep. She was trying to compose a reply to Findart's letter. What she really wanted to do was talk to him, corresponding by owl was a long and tedious process.

She decided to let James sleep when she went to visit the Headmaster. The whole issue of Endart the brother who had been sent to the Goblin Mines in Dover had been completely overlooked the previous day.

"So what is it that you propose to do?"

"I want to go to London, talk to Findart and his brothers. Find out more about this mine and what the Dark Lord wants with it. But I don't want anyone to know I'm there and I don't see how I am going to get to London without being detected."

"Why not take the train?" Dumbledore suggested simply. Lily hadn't even _thought_ of the Hogwarts Express! It was a brilliant idea. It would take a few hours of course but at this juncture, secrecy was more important.

The train was of course still at Platform 9 ¾ in London, so she would have to wait until tomorrow morning before she could leave. That would give her time to relax a bit and plan what she was going to do next.

James was still sleeping when she returned. She glanced at the clock which read 11: 52. She needn't feel guilty for waking him up.

"James," she said poking him in the arm. "Jaaaames." This time she tried giving him a bit of a shake, but this bore equally fruitless results. She'd hate to resort to the old Rictasempra, but he didn't seem to leave her much choice.

Before withdrawing her wand she stole a moment to play with his hair, seeing as he was asleep. The corners of his mouth turned up and she frowned. Was he awake?

"Pity you won't wake up, James. I had hoped I'd never have to do this again, but there seems to be nothing else left to do. Hmm… I wonder if you'll beat Sirius's record for the longest time under rictasempra."

"You evil wench," he said turning to face her and opening his eyes.

"What?"

"Can't a man have a lie in after a long hard day of work?"

"You've had your lie in now it's back to work."

"What work?"

x

Next morning Lily and James boarded the scarlet steam engine that would take them to London.

"Ah the Hogwarts Express. It's been a long time…" James said nostalgically.

"And no delinquents to worry about. Being a prefect or Head student really takes the fun out of the ride since you have to constantly tell your classmates to behave."

She opened the Head Compartment, the nicest and most comfortable, and took a seat. James put the broom sticks on the seat opposite them and sat down next to her.

"So what will it be? Exploding Snap?"

"Play by yourself," she said curling up on the seat. "I'm taking a nap."

"Your own fault for staying up so late last night. Doing homework of all things."

"I can't get behind just because it's the holidays. I don't know how busy I'll be in the New Year so I thought I'd get it out of the way."

"I just can't believe you'd worry about something as unimportant as homework at a time like this."

"It's the most crucial year. If I don't get enough NEWTs then…"

"Then Moody would still let you join the aurors. You've proven yourself already, he said so himself. The test scores are just to show you've got what it takes to try training. You've pretty much made both those steps a bit superfluous."

"Shh… no talking."

He patted her head condescendingly.

"Nighty night, Evans."

When they arrived in London they immediately went to Gringotts bank, trying to make it there before it closed. Seeing as it was almost closing time on Christmas Eve (and most people were afraid to leave their homes) it was completely empty of clients.

"I'd like to speak to Findart, please," Lily said clearly to the only remaining goblin at the front desk.

"Findart!" he snarled.

He appeared a moment later but when he saw James his eyes narrowed.

"Meet me outside when you've finished work."

He nodded and went back to whatever he had been doing before he had been summoned. Lily hoped he wouldn't get in trouble for that. She and James sat on the front steps, waiting for 5 o'clock. It wasn't long.

When Findart appeared he seemed put out. "Who is this?" he asked suspiciously.

"This is the Auror sent to help," Lily lied. James hadn't come on behalf of the ministry, he had come because she told him to. Still, she wanted to enforce the idea that wizards were working to help him and his family.

"Very well," he said, though the doubt clearly remained in his eyes. "Will this take long? I am going to mines to see Endart tonight."

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Do you know what interest the dark lord might have in the mines?"

"Besides the precious jewels that all humans want? No."

"Perhaps he is just trying to use Endart to convince the mining goblins to join his side," she said to James.

"It's possible. You said you are going there tonight?"

"Yes," he replied.

Lily and James simply looked at each other and they both knew. They nodded in agreement. Then to Dover they would go as well…

James had brought brooms, in case that they needed to find another means of getting back. Now it was the only method they had to get into Dover without anyone else knowing. James took one broom and Lily and Findart took another. They had to fly higher than Lily had ever been so as to avoid being recognised by stargazing muggles.

The journey took a few hours, and by the time they saw the sea both Lily and James were frozen to their brooms. They had decided along the way that they wouldn't use magic. Dover wasn't exactly a magical hot spot, and if the Improper Use of Magic Office was also corrupted as both James and Dumbledore seemed to think, any spell they cast would draw immediate attention to themselves, especially seeing as they were in an area Voldemort seemed to be focussing some of his efforts.

As they began their descent James felt a chill creep through him that had nothing to do with the atmospheric pressure. Despair gripped him as they went lower, a fog swirling about below.

Dementors. How had they managed to bring them so far away from Azkaban? He gasped and looked towards Lily just in time. Her eyes rolled back in her head as she began to slide off her broom.

"Lily! No!" he shouted. Findart and tried to keep a hold of her but the goblin just wasn't big enough to pull Lily's weight. James dove as he had never dived before. He grabbed a handful of her robe sleeve and hung on desperately as he lowered her to the ground. He heard it before he felt it, the fabric giving way. The sleeve to which he clung ripped at the seams and Lily fell the remaining 10 feet to the ground. He followed quickly.

"Lily! Lily!" He felt around her head to make sure she hadn't hit it. No, she had just passed out from the dementors. They sensed both of them and began to circle around them. Without even thinking James pulled out his wand and conjured the stag to drive them away before turning back to Lily.

"Come on Lily, come back to me." He was tempted to take the necklace off of her. "Come on. You aren't in the Hogwarts lake you are right here with me. Come on... come on!"

He slapped her cheek smartly and then kissed it in immediate frenzied apology. Findart landed clumsily just as Lily began to rouse. "You always bring me back, don't you."

"You alright? You fell from your broom."

"Yes, I think so." He helped her to her feet. She was wobbly and pale but at least she was conscious. She looked around nervously.

"Where did they go?"

"I drove them off."

Lily looked horror-struck. "Oh James you didn't!"

There wasn't enough time for further conversation for several figures appeared around them.

"Well, well, what have we here?"

Lily stared in horrified fascination, seeing Voldemort for the first time. She was paralysed like a rabbit under the stare of the snake, for his eyes were exactly like those of a serpent. His voice was higher and airier than she had imagined as well, almost like a hiss...

"Ooh, it's Olga Malinkov," said a beautiful black haired woman to his right.

"I do believe you are right, Bella."

"And _Potter_," she spat, not at all like the purr she had employed with Lily's pseudonym.

James stood in front of Lily protectively but she tugged at his robes and stood determinedly beside him. There were in this together.

"Both of you individually refused to join me, and now you together try to defy me? Well you won't succeed, I promise you that."

"And who might this be?" Bellatrix asked the goblin in a baby voice.

"I am Findart."

"Well it was a pleasure meeting you Findart. _Avada Kedavra!_" And just like that the goblin was dead. Perhaps she had a thing for killing goblins, or perhaps just torturing in general.

"You bitch!" Lily shouted, hurling the strongest bowling ball hex she had ever conjured at Lestrange. The force of the blow knocked her down but she picked herself up again, grinning maniacally.

"Do let's leave the ladies to themselves," said Voldemort with a smile "You two deal with _Mr._ Malinkov while I check on the mines. Don't worry," he added to James, "I'll be back."

He disappeared without even a pop, leaving James to face two Death Eaters on his own.

James was the first to attack, but it was blocked and both men sent retaliatory curses back at him. He stopped one but the other hurled him painfully back, nearly sending him off the side of the white cliff face.

He scrabbled to keep from rolling off and didn't even wait to get to his feet before stunning one of them.

The man dropped to the ground. James blocked the next incoming curse with little effort. Lily had thrown much harder things at him before. When it as just one on one, there was no contest over who was the better dueller.

James was just about to finish him of when loud piercing screams stopped him dead. He had heard those kinds of shrieks before, most recently in his classroom the day he had his seventh years faced the boggart. Lily screamed now as Moira had then.

His mind was filled with nothing but the sound of her pain. "Lily!" He tripped over rock and tree root to get to her.

Bellatrix Lestrange was standing over her, giggling like a school girl. James didn't even bother with a wand; he wanted to strangle her with his bare hands.

As his hands closed around her throat she let out a gasp that was almost orgasmic. She closed her eyes as he tightened his grip, her smile growing wider.

The sick harpy of a woman was actually enjoying it! Disgusted, he threw her forcefully to the ground and stunned her. He wanted very much to watch the dementors take her, _see how much she enjoys **that**_.

In his rage he had forgotten that he had left one opponent undefeated. Apparently he had used the time James had spent on Lestrange enervating his fellow and before he could get to Lily both men were on him again.

x

Gasping and twitching still, Lily sat up slowly, almost in disbelief that the pain had finally stopped. Had she been able to speak she would have begged Bellatrix to kill her. She just wanted to pass out, to die, to make it all end no matter what and all of a sudden it had.

When her senses fully returned to her she looked around in a panic for James. She followed the sounds of the shouting voices and the flashes of various coloured light. It was too dark to really see but she was so distracted that the thought of lighting her wand didn't even occur to her. She tipped over poor Findart as she raced to James but she didn't have time to feel sad or sorry for the goblin.

There was a loud sickening snapping sound as she approached and Lily saw one of the Death Eaters collapse to the ground crying in pain and clutching his leg. James had snapped his femur, which was impressive seeing as how he was dangling upside down 8 feet in the air.

The blood must have rushed to his head, for his seemed to faint and drop his wand.

"Sectumsempra!" the Death Eater shouted.

'No!' she thought. 'Damn you Severus for ever coming up with that spell!'

She threw a curse that she herself had once felt the effect of, but this time she wasn't going to stop it. James fell to the ground at the same time the Death Eater collapsed when constriction curse compressed the air from his lungs.

She couldn't see but she knew that blood from multiple cuts would now be soaking through his clothes. Lily stunned the fellow with the broken leg, putting him out of his misery and walked ruthlessly passed the man who had by now stopped twitching, and breathing for that matter.

She dropped down to James who was blanched white but still conscious. She quickly opened his shirt and began healing each cut, silently cursing Severus all the while.

"James, stay with me. Don't pass out."

"I'm here," he said weakly.

"Good, focus on me, focus on my voice. Stay here, stay awake."

"Mmmm."

"No! Keep your eyes open! Eyes on me James, eyes on me!"

She continued to mend flesh as quickly as she possibly could. It definitely wasn't her tidiest healing and there would probably be many scars later but right now the important thing was to keep him from bleeding to death.

He started looking much better once the blood that had been in his head was now circulating through his body and not out of it.

"Come on, up," she said helping him sit, and then to stand.

"My wand?"

Lily looked around and saw it lying a few feet away. She went to go get it and had just bent over to pick it up when she heard that freakish high voice again.

"It just proves that if you want something done right…"

"My lord, my lord I tried,"

"Yes, Bella."

Lily wheeled around to see Voldemort with his wand out pointing it at James. Lily panicked, there was no stopping the killing curse and off of them knew it. Anything but that one. Anything.

Lily did the only thing she could think to do in the split second she was given. She levitated a boulder and flung it in the way of the green light that was flying toward him. He dove out of the way, narrowly avoiding the shattered pieces of rock that flew in all directions. Lily helped him to his feet and handed him his wand.

If he had been thinking he would have jumped _behind_ Lily when Bellatrix threw her next curse. The protection of her necklace would have been enough to stop such a simple curse, but instead he automatically jumped in front of her. It hit him full in the chest, the force of it throwing him back into Lily sending them both tumbling over the side of the cliff.

Lily clutched James tightly as they fell; the only thing she could hear over the crashing of the water that was fast approaching was Bella's triumphant cackling…

**Bonus story: The History of the Vanishing Cabinets **

The chests were originally the property of the Black family. Phineus Nigelus took one with him during his Headmaster-ship at Hogwarts, the other trunk stayed in the Black family house at Grimauld Place.

Many years later when Sirius's mother dies, the Black women (Bellatrix and Narcissa) use the empty house and old chest to hold onto a goblin. They forget about the goblin until the house elf Kreature reminds them. He is ordered to throw the chest out and of course he obeys.

But Kreature, because the way he is about Black family possessions later goes back to retrieve it from the filth heap in which he left it, and it stayed in the House of Black where he thoroughly believed it belonged.

Lily finds a forgotten chest in the dungeons of Hogwarts that contains a dead Gringotts goblin.

Many more years later a young Harry Potter tracks mud into the castle and his friend Nearly Headless Nick convinces Peeves to break the cabinet (on Filch.)

It breaks.

More years pass and the Weasley twins put Montague into the chest where he vanishes. The man Sirius Black dies and Mundungus Fletcher wastes no time in selling the possessions in the Black House. The travelling cabinet subsequently is sold to a shop in Knockturn Alley.

The following year upon recovering his friend, Draco Malfoy learning that one cabinet is in Borgin and Burkes sets about to fix the broken one at Hogwarts.

At the end of that year he succeeds and Death Eaters besiege the castle.

Dumbledore dies.


	44. The WRONG Kiss

**A/N: **There is a section in this chapter that is a bit... erm... well down right disturbing and nasty. And I really really really thought about taking it out because it doesn't really further the plot. It touches on why Lily didn't let James go into St. Mungo's that one time when she went to visit someone, but other than that it serves no real purpose except to disturb. I

I will do this...**XxXxXxXxXxX** to warn you when to skip (if you should so chose) and also to indicate when to start reading again.

**Chapter 44: Which is Cold, Disgusting, Depressing, and (almost) Entirely Unpleasant**

Lily's back collided painfully with a jutting rock before they plummeted the rest of the way down. Lily didn't know where her wand had gone and at that moment she wasn't even thinking about it. She just clutched James's limp body screaming repeatedly in her mind 'Arresto Momentum!"

If the spell worked at all she couldn't tell, for they hit the water with a painful smack all the same but if it hadn't been high tide they would have hit the rocks with an even more painful _splat._ Even after crashing into the icy water Lily's foot drove into the rocky bottom soon after her head submerged under. It jarred painfully, the water bit at her skin painfully, her heart beat wildly in her chest painfully. She couldn't see anything but she knew where up was so ignoring her injured ankle she pushed off hard taking James with her back to the surface.

She gasped for breath treading as best she could being weighed down by soaking robes and a fully grown unconscious man. Making sure his head stayed above the water was the most difficult part because it kept lolling to one side. She swallowed several mouthfuls of sea water, choking repeatedly as the each wave came.

It was taking too much effort just to keep them afloat and the back of her head was now aching from the cold air on her wet hair. Bella must have thought they wouldn't survive the fall because she didn't seem to be sending any malicious spells after them.

They say that adrenaline can have remarkable effects on the human body and that was about the only thing that could explain how she managed to get them out of the water and onto a rocky surface. (Unless you are a romantic, in which case one could always say it was love.)

To Lily's relief James was still breathing, but he wouldn't wake. Bella hadn't stunned him, why had he passed out? She dragged him further up the rocky sort of path where she found a sort alcove, a minimal kind of shelter from at least the wind and visibility. Lily would have called it a cave if it had been bigger but it was more of a large niche in the rocks. She pulled him in removed her cloak to keep it from dripping on him.

Lily cursed, she could barely see anything, she was blocking what little light the moon could afford. She crawled over him and looked again, feeling around his head. His hair was so thick and wet it was difficult to tell what may or may not be a wound. She sighed in anxious frustration as she removed her hands, not finding anything.

To her dismay she saw that there was in fact blood on them so she returned to James scalp to find where it was he had been struck. Perhaps he had hit his head on that same rock that was responsible for the large bruise on Lily's back.

She found what felt like might be a bump and a cut. If she did any magic now then they would know, they had obviously detected James's patronus and if someone performed a healing charm it would be all too clear that they hadn't died. If they came after them again now they would stand absolutely no chance.

She wanted to scream in frustration. 'Come on, Lily. You are muggleborn what would a muggle do?' She removed her shoes and stockings. She rang them out as best as she could before wrapping them around his injured head. They were wool stockings, hopefully they would staunch the bleeding. She kept pressure on it anyway.

'Ok, think,' she told herself trying to remain calm. 'What solutions are there?' Well there seemed to be so many problems to the current situation that there wasn't a solution that could fix all or even any of them. She couldn't do magic and she couldn't move. The only thing she could do was wait for James to wake.

'Sirius!' she thought joyfully. She fished through James robes for the mirror but didn't find it. Had it fallen out? She _did _find the pouch she had given him, but even if the mirror was in there she wouldn't be able to find it. She wasn't certain it was in there and therefore couldn't take it out to contact Sirius. She went back to putting pressure on James's head and waited. She always thought she was a patient person but this was maddening. This helplessness. This complete and utter vulnerability.

She sat there with James's head in her lap shivering. It was winter and they were soaking wet and outside in the cold. Lily would hate to have escaped the dark lord only to die of hypothermia in a cave. But if she were going to die there was no one with whom she'd rather be. She then realised that if she were freezing, James must even be more so having lost a lot of blood and staying in these sopping clothes would do more harm than help. She pealed off her own jumper and started on James's cloak and shirt. He wasn't shivering, his body didn't contract naturally when one does to conserve heat. His body wasn't responding to the environment so Lily would have to for him. She began rubbing his arms furiously, warming what blood that was left in him. She wanted to keep his head, feet, and wrists warm with something but there was absolutely nothing dry she could use. Heat escaped mostly from the head and she hoped that her lap might provide some warmth. The feet were too far out of reach at the moment but she rubbed his wrists. Wrists have the thinnest skin, so the blood is the closest to the surface which makes it easiest to cool and warm.

She felt like she was doing all that she could, but it still wasn't enough. Her teeth were chattering so much she was sure they would shatter and break into pieces in her mouth. She couldn't even feel her feet anymore, which meant she no longer felt the sharp throbbing of her ankle, which was now swollen and bruised. She _could_ feel the nauseating swish in her stomach though, but she pushed that thought aside.

"Prongs!"

Lily could have cried in happiness at the sound of Sirius's voice coming from the pouch three hours later. Knowing that the mirror_ must_ be in there now she removed it with hands that shook from cold and delirious relief.

"Sirius! Sirius oh thank god."

"Lily what's wrong? You should have been back by now."

"Sirius it's so cold. I'm so cold."

"Lily," he said calmly. "Tell me where you are and what's happened."

"I'm soaking wet and slowly freezing to death in a cave in Dover," she began. She told him what had brought them to this unhappy condition and why she couldn't contact him earlier. "We can't do magic, we don't have wands and until James wakes we can't move. When we do it can't be magically."

"I'm leaving right now to get you," he said resolvedly. "It might take a few hours to drive there, but I **will** be there. You just hang on."

"Bring... warm..."

"I will. And I'll summon your wands from here. Don't worry. You just hold on until I get there. You are going to be fine."

"Uh huh..." she said nodding and shivering.

"Lily, I promise."

"I believe you."

"Good, I can't drive and talk at the same time so I'll have to put it away. I will be there as soon as I can."

"Thank you so much." She could barely contain the emotion in her voice.

"Love you."

"I love you, too."

The connection was broken and Lily put the mirror away and continued her efforts to keep James warm. She didn't want to leave the shelter of the cave but she had to an hour later when she could no longer ignore the pressure on her bladder. She didn't appreciate the cave and the protection from the wind it gave until she left it. Her leg had fallen asleep and it was a painful walk out to the rocks. The blood returned to her leg and it as an even more painful walk back. She couldn't exactly hop on one leg because the rocks were slick, and keeping balance with both legs was hard enough. Eventually she crawled over the slippery stones and back into their little shelter. Her skirt was mostly dry now, but her blouse was still damp. She rolled James over and took off his wet shirt all the way and laid it out next to her own. Their skin was the warmest thing they had, and even it was a bit cold and clammy.

She lifted as much of his back off of the ground as possible, trying to get as much contact as she could with her own. Sharing body warmth was just about the only thing left to them.

"Warm warm warm" she said as she rubbed, trying not to do any wandless magic, trying to ignore the pain that was everywhere, skin, stomach, back. She rubbed her palms raw trying to create the friction.

x

James had a nasty headache, and he couldn't see anything, it was too dark. His cheek was against something warm and soft and Lily was rubbing a hand up and down his arm. The rest of him was frozen.

"Warm, get warm," she chanted.

He groaned and sat up, leaving his pillow.

"Oh thank you," she breathed.

"Where are we?"

"Not far from where we fell."

"Fell? Oh right..." It was coming back to him now. Bellatrix had meant to shove Lily off the cliff. His mind went back to the moment when Bellatrix had been laughing gleefully over Lily as she writhed under the effects of the torture curse. That bitch had tortured and tried to kill _his_ Lily. He should have killed the masochist when he had the chance. _Sado-_masochist, her corrected himself as he remembered the expression on her face. James growled angrily.

"Sirius is on his way. He'll have our wands and something warm for us when he gets here."

"How long?"

"I don't know, he mirrored an hour ago, so he must have left soon after."

"How long have we been here?"

"Hours. Maybe four. I don't know exactly your watch died."

"Damn," he said looking at the timepiece his grandfather had left him.

"Better it than you," she said pulling her knees into her chest and wrapping her arms around to rub them.

He could see their whitish shirts laying next to her. He turned around to see both cloaks at the mouth next to their shoes. She must have pulled him out of the water, dragged him up in here and tried to keep him warm. Now that he wasn't laying on top of her James had nothing warm at all to cling to. He had never been more freezing cold in his entire life.

"Thank you. For... saving me." It sounded so maudlin, so lame in his head. When she had said it to him it hadn't seemed lame at all, coming from him it just sounded pathetic.

"But I killed him," she said through chattering teeth.

"Who?"

"The one whose leg you didn't break. The one who did that." She pointed to his chest. He couldn't see the damage because he was blocking the light but he knew what she must be talking about. He hadn't thought of that. Yes, she had saved his life then too.

"You alright?" he asked scooting over to sit next to her instead of in front of her, letting what little moonlight there was into their tiny hole. He could make out her facial features now. Her pale skin glowed now as it hadn't before.

"I wish I hadn't and yet..."

"What?" he asked moving closer to her warmth.

"I didn't want him to live either. Does that make me a bad person?"

He didn't want to think about moral ambiguities such as whether or not it was possible to **kill** for _good_. She had eliminated a dangerous enemy and there was no way she could go to Azkaban for murder. It had been in defence. Not _self_- defence, but defence nonetheless.

"If _you_ are a bad person then I don't know a single good one."

She chuckled weakly. "Merlin it's so cold..." She felt the shirts beside her. "And they still aren't dry."

"I don't think they_ will_ dry like that."

"Any better ideas?"

"Only one."

"Let's hear it, my frozen bits are about to break off."

He grabbed her round the waist and pulled her into him. He placed both of his hands on her bare stomach. It was so warm, like a little furnace. Under normal circumstances he wouldn't have done something so bold, but they were going to freeze to death if they didn't share body warmth. Even though they were both still shaking it was an obvious improvement.

x

Lily felt herself flush. For once she was glad she was so easily embarrassed and excited by his touch. He seemed to light fire on her skin wherever it came into contact with his.

"You are so warm," he said to her, putting his cheek on her shoulder. She put her arms over his, still worried for him. "You know, it's so easy to make fun of the survival technique of stripping down and sharing body heat until you actually have to do it," he said. She could feel his chin wobble against her shoulder as his jaw rattled.

"Mmhmm," she agreed. It was entirely true. It was so easy to laugh at hearing stories of people doing it, but right now it was the only thing that would keep them alive. Outside she saw to her dismay a flurry of snowflakes.

"I'm just glad it's you and not Wormtail," he joked.

"I wouldn't mind adding him to the group. He has more insulation than we do."

"Put together. True. Damn it where is Peter when you need him? Here I thought I was lucky for not having to cuddle with a bloke. Truth is I'd spoon with a monkey if it meant getting some warmth into my back. I can barely feel it."

"You want to move?"

"In a bit. You know we still don't know what is so important about these mines. We are still a step behind."

"Yes but at least the _think_ we know, which is something. Why else would they have responded so quickly? Voldemort wanted to check the mines before he bothered dealing with us. He must think we know what he is trying to do."

"Yes, and he is going to hate us all the more for it."

"James," she said leaning her head back to rest on his shoulder. "Why can't we get things right?"

"Don't say that. We are making progress."

"Just not as much progress as them."

"We'll get there."

"Hard to imagine when you are shivering in a cave and they are probably celebrating your death."

"Imagine Bellatrix's face when she sees she hasn't killed us," he said with malevolent glee.

x

"Have you ever felt the cruciatus curse?" she asked. His smile fell and he tightened his hold on her. He couldn't pull her in closer but he could squeeze her harder.

"No. I'm sorry that you do. I won't let it happen again."

"It's not your fault."

"Puh. I went with you to London to protect you. And _you_ are the one to save _me_. Twice."

"You came to _help_ me. Not protect me. I thought you said we were a team."

"We are."

"Good," she said wriggling away from him. "Let's see to your back."

"Probably a good idea."

"It looks purple," she said the moment he turned.

"Probably is." He started to lie down when he felt something shift around his hair. "Evans what is this?" he asked holding onto something woollen tied around his head.

"Those are my stockings. I used them to stop the bleeding. I think you were knocked unconscious during our fall," she answered pushing him down the rest of the way to start kneading warmth back into his back. It hurt at first, not because she was a bad masseuse but because the blood pricked as it was rubbed into circulation.

Once the prickling was over he allowed himself to simply enjoy to the feel of his muscles being forced into relaxation. They had thitherto been clenched and tightened against the cold.

"Better?" she asked after about 10 minutes.

"Much. Thank you. Couldn't persuade you to do my feet, could I?"

"You can rub your own feet."

"Actually I need to stretch my legs. Be right back."

"Don't go too far."

"Just going for a wee, it'll only take a minute." James crawled out and the moment he was out of view she heard him say, "M…Merlin's b.. b...balls it's cold out here!"

She curled up in a ball on her side, clutching her stomach. She had swallowed far to much sea water and now she was feeling it. It swirled around sickeningly in her belly.

"Why?" she moaned. It was just one bad or painful thing after another. She felt dizzy even though she wasn't standing; she felt sea sick even though she wasn't on a boat. Unfair.

"Cold cold cold cold cold!" James said quickly as he crawled back in immediately curling himself around Lily.

"You're freezing," she complained.

"N... no k... kidding," he replied sarcastically, or as sarcastically as he could manage to sound while shivering and stuttering from the cold.

"This is officially the lowest point in my life," she said. "Never have I been so completely beaten. This pathetic. I'm sick and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about it because I'm stuck here huddling in a stupid hole."

"I see optimistic Lily isn't out today."

"Shut up, that _was_ the optimistic version. If I were being pessimistic I would have said "And I'm going to die here huddling in a stupid hole."

"What's wrong? Besides the obvious."

"Swallowed too much sea water. I feel terrible."

"Throw it up."

"Already tried."

"Come on, up," he said crawling over her towards the mouth of the cave. "Come here."

She crawled weakly over to him, knowing on some level what he intended to do. This was going to be humiliating but right now Pride could go bugger itself. So long as she felt better she didn't care.

On hands and knees she stood at the mouth, her head protruding from the protection of the cave. Her hair caught in the wind and James gathered and held it with only one hand. "Open up," he said, and with the other hand James inserted a finger.

x

On the second or third try they succeeded and the nasty salt water was purged. It ever _smelled_ like the sea. 'Well, it would, wouldn't it,' James thought. James didn't want to know what having that much sea water in one's stomach would feel like it, but he couldn't help but imagining and it wasn't at all pleasant.

Once she was finished she collapsed right there. "Correction. **_That_** was the lowest point in my life. You know you are in a sad state when you have someone stick their finger down your throat to make you vomit."

'You know you are in love when you are the one with that finger,' James thought to himself. He wiped his finger on the bottom of a cloak, then wiped away the corners of Lily's mouth.

"Feel better at least?"

"Much. Thank you. Why is it that you always see me at my worst?"

"I've seen you at your best, too."

"Puh."

"I've had my not so shining moments too."

"They aren't nearly so pitiful as mine."

"You know what? You are just too hard on yourself. You see only your mistakes and never see the good you do. That's your problem."

"Alight then. We'll play your game."

"Hmm?" James asked as he retreated further back into the cave.

"My… intelligence."

"Ah _that_ game," he said with a grin. "Alright. Your intelligence is almost frightening."

"My loveliness."

"Damned distracting."

"My sense of humour."

"Never fails to make my day."

"My… musical abilities."

"Your voice would make the sirens weep with envy."

"My good nature."

"Is probably my salvation."

"My eyes."

"As unfairly captivating as all your other qualities."

"My parents and sister all had brown eyes. I've always felt special for having green ones."

"Right. It's your _eyes_ that make you special. Not all the other things I bothered praising you for."

"They were masterful compliments, James. Thank you."

"Thank you, I tried." Actually he hadn't. They came out effortlessly. "Oh, I forgot to mention what a warm person you are."

"I didn't ask you to praise my kindness."

"I wasn't praising your kindness, you shrew. I was commenting on your ability to keep me warm. Get over here."

She crawled on top of him and they shivered for a few moments before the warmth began to seep in again. James thought forlornly that they wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't absolutely necessary. If she were _his_ then they could do this all the time.

He could tell her now. There was nothing else to do, surely it would lighten the mood, make this _not_ the lowest moment in her life.

But no; if she didn't return his feelings that would make their little cave cuddling rather awkward. Actually, it might be bad even if she _did_ return his feelings. He wouldn't stop himself from then showing her just how much he loved her, which would be nice and warming for a few minutes but then they would be left drenched in a cold sweat which they couldn't afford to do right now. Sweat cools the body, and they didn't need to be any cooler than they were already. Practicality simply forbade sex.

'Uh oh…' He shouldn't have given the matter that much thought, he was beginning to show signs of it. 'Quick, think of something disgusting.'

"So, tell me more about inferi," he told her.

"Why?" she asked.

"Just making conversation."

"Well, there was a lot I didn't put in that essay I gave you."

"Let's hear it." Quickly.

**XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

"An inferius is like a homunculus but with no self awareness. Killing, well, not _killing_ because they aren't exactly alive, but _destroying_ them entails a similar process.

"Enferi, are soulless creatures, and to create one from a dead body the heart and mind must be removed, so the creature cannot think or move itself; only a sickly puppet with invisible strings. Without the heart to pump blood and nourish itself, enferi decay, not like regular bodies because the magic slows the process. Flies and other things don't feast on moving flesh but their bodies naturally decompose at a slower rate.

"Having no heart, their blood doesn't flow so because of gravity it collects in their lower half, weighing them down, making lower body movement slower and much darker in colour than the upper which is a rotting whitish green, giving them their gruesome appearance."

James had to applaud his chosen topic. If anything could kill an erection it was that.

"Go on," he encouraged. He wasn't in danger anymore but now he was interested.

"One can stop an inferius with fire, but that only returns them to their idle state. To _destroy_ an inferius one has to reunite it with the organs that were removed from it. This of course is very difficult, not knowing where the dark wizard who created it kept them, and it is more than likely that they heart and brain either already decayed, was destroyed, or used for other dark purposes that rendered them unusable, or un-returnable. If they were used in a potion, for example."

"Like a virgin's heart?"

"Exactly. You are the DADA teacher, you should know this."

"Yes, but this is more of dark potions, I took potions in school and you know as well as I do that that wasn't in the curriculum."

"It gets worse…"

"I can handle it."

"When two people have sex, their souls (however briefly or reluctantly) are united by their bodies, and they mix to create something that will contain elements of both those bodies and both those souls."

Why was she talking about this? He was intrigued of course, but he had no idea how this pertained to he subject at all.

"When an inferius mates with a human..." she continued darkly.

"No," James said immediately. "Impossible."

"Inferi rape does happen if that's what its master bids it to do."

"But you need blood to… to... get it up."

"You need blood to raise an arm or to move your legs to walk. Enferi can do that. If the inferius was somewhat recently created and the sperm has not yet soured they can impregnate a woman."

James shuddered at the thought of curdled sperm. "They can impregnate each other?"

"No, they don't eat and cannot nourish themselves let alone another inside them."

"Oh."

"But as I was saying, when an inferius rapes a woman and they become pregnant, that child... Well, it's born with only half a soul. Cursed from birth. Naturally prone towards evil; corrupt and malevolent. In the few recorded cases the child tends to think of the dark wizard who bade the inferius as their father, and not the actual creature that forced itself on their mother, whom they tend to reject."

"What?"

"I mean, the child rejects the mother..."

"You would think it would be the other way around."

"That happens too, but it's more frequent that the child follows their "father" meaning dark wizard. Having only half a soul, they also only have half a will, making them easily controlled if the orders suit their dark inclinations. You can imagine what marvellous lackeys they'd make for a dark wizard. They don't feel physical or emotional pain the way normal people do, so fighting them is difficult. And by the nature of their conception that complex and dark magic which keeps kept the inferius that engendered them animate, keeps them in turn naturally immune to most spells."

"What kind of complex magic does it take?"

"Well, since inferi can't use magic on their own, and then can't defend themselves they need powerful magic for protection."

"But they can't be killed, what do they need defence for?"

"If you blew off both of its legs and arms it wouldn't be much of a threat now would it? But even so an inferi wouldn't be too big of a threat against someone who can simply apparate away."

"Then how is it that they can manage to... to..."

"Because most of the victims are muggle women, defenceless. Before abortion there was no choice but to keep the child, even now some women chose to keep it. Muggle women have no concept of inferi, so they just assume that the disgusting man that raped him was just that... a disgusting man, and that the seemingly wicked child that resulted was a 'bad egg', or they blame themselves for not raising it properly. The child ends up running off to a life of crime, not even knowing it's magically protected, even though they have no magical abilities of their own. And thus, evil breeds..."

"That's... just sick. Those women don't even know..."

"That's why the records are so few. We don't have any records of the more numerous muggle cases, because the magical community already has very little to do with muggle law enforcement. If a muggle woman even reports a rape there is no way the ministry would be informed of it, and couldn't possibly know it was done by an inferius. So these bastard children, for they are the only true bastards because they really don't have a father, go unknown, unrecognized for what they are. Sure, lots end up in prisons but some will to reproduce and create children with three quarters of a soul and less magical protection; better off but still apt for evil. The only reason we know about enferi rape is because of a few of the victims have been squibs or witches who were underage and didn't know how to apparate to safety."

"That's... just sick," he said, knowing that it was a gross understatement.

"And even more terrifying, because it has magic of its own to use, unlike their sires."

James had felt something grip him as Lily spoke, it wasn't fear. Yes he was appalled at the idea of all of it but the one thing that struck him most was how he wanted a child; a full child, a happy healthy loving magical child created consensually by him and the one he loved.

That was such a warm thought compared to what he had just been listening. He knew in that moment there was nothing more wholesome, pure, and wonderful as having a family. He was certain that's how his mother and father felt when he was born. As long as they had each other that was all they needed.

He looked to Lily and realised that she didn't belong to a family anymore. She was out alone in the cold. He couldn't stop himself from thinking that he wanted to pull her into a warm living room they could fill with children and thus give her a family again.

He was brought out of his warm thoughts as Lily's cold voice continued on its dark topic. "What is the most frightening of all is the thought of this soulless children being wilfully created for the purpose."

"What witch in her right mind would..." She turned around so that they were now face to face.

"Apart from those utterly devoted to the dark arts? Any witch under the imperius curse..." she said unswervingly in a dead set tone. "If there memory was erased afterwards, then the Ministry still wouldn't have records of the bastard children."

Now that was an eye-opener for James. Any witch put under the imperious curse meant any witch at all... a scary thought.

"That explains Slytherin house," he said, trying to lighten the mood. She didn't laugh, she rarely did when he teased the Slytherins but he thought she could at least try to chuckle to lighten the mood. As if being cramped into a freezing dark whole and talking about reproduction of inferi bastards weren't bad enough...

"But that way of making evil pawns takes a lot more time than most dark wizards would be willing to spend."

"True... Still I'm amazed that all this information is in the Hogwarts library..."

"Not all of it was. I read a few outside articles about victims still living. I made a visit to a few of them a few weeks ago in St. Mungo's. I was surprised they actually let me. It was only then I learned about inferi rape, and the creation of half soulless children. I even met one. Apparently the ministry has an expert on this sort of thing and he spoke with the victims. That's how she learned so much."

"The ministry?"

"An unspeakable I imagine. I doubt the ministry wants to publish the fact that they have experts on such taboo subjects but it's a wise idea. Like I said before, it's important to know what you are up against."

"I'm surprised more people don't know about this. How can they keep this stuff quiet? This is huge and yet no one knows anything about it."

"Yes... to most of the magical community inferi are just something the hero in the comic books have to face before they move on to their archenemy. And compared to other more prevalent worries inferi don't pose that much of a threat."

"Not an immediate one but the breeding of evil seems like it could turn into quite a problem in the long term, the slow corruption of people's souls over the generations..."

"But it doesn't happen that often."

"You said yourself you don't know how many muggle women have been... _affected_ by this. Who know how many there are out there."

"Exactly, so we have no way of knowing who or how to fight them except by doing what we are doing now. Who knows, perhaps some of the followers of the dark lord are some of them. There is no way of telling. It's not as if you can tell by looking at someone how much of their soul they have. "

**XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

"Yes you can…" he said, gazing right into her eyes. For a moment Lily believed him, he seemed to look right into her. She broke away, not only from his eye contact but from the warmth of his body as well.

"No you can't," she said coldly.

"I can see yours..."

"Only because I let you." She hadn't meant to say it and she knew how incredibly stupid it must have sounded. But James didn't seem to think so. His expression softened from probing to affectionate then from affectionate to playful.

"Why Evans, I didn't know you cared."

"Shut up Potter," she said through chattering teeth.

x

James couldn't tell if her pushing him away necessarily meant what if felt it meant. Rejection. Nor could he tell that her silent return into his arms meant she was coming back to _him_ or just his warmth. He thought Lily must have passed out, or at least fallen asleep. Her breath was regular and warm on his chest.

He imagined they were in that living room he had pictured before. Reclining not in a damp cave but on a sofa next to a fire, but in just the same position, her cheek against his chest, his head resting on top of hers.

x

Lily didn't imagine anything. Reality was good enough for her. Despite the cold, despite all the wretchedness, she had never felt so safe. They didn't have wands, they didn't have anything, but with James holding her, his left arm pressing slightly against her breast, his head on hers, she never felt better protected. Perhaps her imagination was working after all, for she almost imagined she felt him kiss the top of her head and then perhaps her shoulder.

x

"Prongs!"

Trying not to disturb Lily he removed his left arm from around her and reached for the mirror.

"Yeah?" he whispered.

"You are awake. How are you?"

"Fine. Where are you?"

"About an hour and a half away. How's Lily?"

x

Lily roused achingly when she heard Sirius's voice. James's arm regrettably left her to get the mirror.

"How's Lily?" he asked sweetly. Sirius sounded even more handsome (providing one can actually _sound_ handsome) when he was concerned rather than disdainfully amused.

"Fine. She's sleeping." Untrue, but no reason for _him_ to know that.

"Where can I find you?"

"There is a lighthouse nearby. We'll meet you there. You can't miss it."

"Right. Be there soon."

Lily felt James put the mirror down and replace his arm around her.

x

He knew they had to put on their frigid clothes and leave now, but he wanted to hold her for just one more minute. The sun was rising, and James wanted to squeeze every last second of this as he could. When they left the cave things would go back to normal and he wouldn't be able to pull her into him whenever he felt like it. He couldn't curl up and put his head on her breast as he had done that night. It seemed like the cave was like the invisibility cloak in a way. No one could see them, they had been completely alone, no one was there to judge them.

It had been such a desperate situation they couldn't be bothered with thinking whether or not they should, or if they should feel guilty if they did. They simply did what they had to do.

He felt the sun on his face and knew he had to let go now. He nudged her head with his own. "Lily, it's time."

She opened her eyes but he kept his arms around her. "It's warmer,"

"It's day."

There was a moment's hesitation on both sides before they broke apart to put their clothes back on. They were stiff, cold and slightly drier.

James's own shirt had been washed in the sea, so the blood stains weren't as gruesome as they could be. The worst part was putting on the shoes, which still squished with freezing water with every step, soaking the recently dried socks anew. They could see the lighthouse from the entrance of the crevice, but it would take time to walk across all the rocks to get there.

Lily emerged a minute after he did, scooting from rock to rock.

"The process might go quicker if you stand."

"Would if I could."

"What is it?"

"She lifted her leg into the air. It took a moment for him to stop staring at its lovely shape and notice the problem. Her right ankle was swollen and blue.

"When did that happen?"

"The water wasn't deep enough, struck it on the bottom."

"Why didn't you tell me before?"

"Didn't really think about it. I had other things on my mind. Couldn't really feel the pain, it had sort of gone numb by the time you woke up."

James frowned slightly. There was no way he could carry her across the slippery rocks. He helped her to her feet and slowly they made their way across. First he would take a step, steady himself, then help her with hers. Then he'd take another step, steady himself, and then help her with hers.

They arrived just in time to hear the roaring of Sirius's motorbike approach. He couldn't drive it down to them so he got off and started walking toward them. Jogging, rather.

x

Lily couldn't help but giggle slightly when she saw him. Only Sirius Black would show up on a motor bike wearing a remarkably tailored three piece suit. The two seemed an incongruous juxtaposition that only someone like Sirius could pull off. He looked remarkably handsome, and his hair unbelievably well tamed for someone who had just ridden a motorbike for the past several hours straight.

"What have you got around your head Prongs? It looks like lady's..."

"Stockings," he answered. "Lily used hers to stop the bleeding."

"You're hurt," Sirius stated to Lily. It wasn't a question. He turned to James with almost a glare. "You _said_ she was alright."

"I didn't know."

"Just a sprained ankle," she said defensively to Sirius.

"A sprained ankle can be a big problem if you don't have a wand and need to run."

"I already figured that out, thank you. It's also a problem when you have to drag a man who weighs 84 kilo into a cave, but I managed that as well. Think I think that only made it worse though."

"Hmm..." Sirius said crouching down looking at how swollen and discoloured it was.

"Madame Pomfrey will be able to fix it in a second when we get back to the castle."

"Let's get you two back then," he said, scooping up Lily in his arms as effortlessly as he would a pillow. He paid little attention to her at all when she wrapped her arms around his neck for support. He simply turned back to James and continued the conversation.

"I have your wands. And I told Dumbledore that you have been in contact and that I was coming to get you. He anxiously awaits, as do Mooney and Wormtail."

"Thank you so much Sirius. You really did save us." Lily said. Sirius looked down at her and finally gave her a warm affectionate smile.

"I should be thanking _you_," he said.

"Me?"

"For saving _him_." He indicated James with a tilt of his head. His hair swished becomingly into his face and Lily tucked it back behind his ear, a few strands fell gracefully forward again, being slightly too short. "He may be a wanker but I'm useless without him."

Lily laughed and Sirius's eyes sparkled at the sound. Sirius loved the sound of laughter, that's why he was making jokes all the time. He didn't hear any laughter growing up, and when he first came to Hogwarts he had become addicted to the sound. Lily had such a musical laugh and he hoped that James appreciated it. He probably did.

"I couldn't let you become useless now could I?" she said resting her head against him.

She wished he would just hug her so tight she could barely breathe. The night's cuddle with James had been wonderful but terribly frustrating and reticent. She wanted Sirius to just hug her tight and say that he understood. He understood how frustrated and terribly worried and desperate she felt.

He placed her gingerly on the back of the back as James got in the side car. Sirius then handed her a leather jacket he had taken from under James's feet. It was obviously another one of his own, and it was far too big for her, but terribly warm all the same.

"Sorry I don't have a helmet for you." He said to Lily as he got on.

"Then drive carefully. It would be humiliating indeed if we survived an attacked by the dark lord and his death eaters only to be killed in an accident on the motorway.

"Yes ma'am."

The engine started with a loud pop and a roar and in another moment they were speeding away, not fast enough, in Lily's opinion, she wanted to be far far away from that place as soon as possible. She felt at any moment they would be back again. She started to breathe easier when they got on the motorway. James tried to say something but the wind was so strong that his words were carried away by the strong currents somewhere during the 2 foot journey from his mouth to their ears. They had been driving for 20 minutes before she truly felt relaxed. She rested her head on his back, looking away from James and gave Sirius an extra squeeze. Her way of expressing her sincerest gratitude. Sirius revved the engine in reply. She didn't loosen her embrace, she held on tight.

The wind whipped and pulled her hair as they zoomed along. She couldn't hear anything over the din of the motorcycle and for a moment she found herself bizarrely wishing she were back in that cave. Well not necessarily that cold and miserable one but some remote deserted corner of the planet where she and James were hidden away from the world. Somewhere no one could see them, and she never had to come out.

Despite the coldness of the hollow it was a safe place, and that's what Lily wanted. Yes, she wanted to fight against the dark arts but she also someplace warm and safe to return to at the end of a long day, or long night as the case may be. Someone to snuggle up against and forget the world's woe. James had _never_ held her like that before, and she sadly had to admit to herself that it had only been the cold that had driven him to it.

She hadn't even realized she had been crying until she finally felt the sting of the cold wind on her damp cheek. Her chest heaved occasionally in irrepressible sobs. Why was she doing this? She carefully removed her hand and wiped away the tears, trying to calm down her breathing, then carefully snaked it back around to where it had been before.  
Sirius reached one hand down and gave Lily's hand that rested on his well defined abs a reassuring sort of pat/rub. Did he feel the moisture on them? It could only be snot or tears, and at this point she didn't know which one would be worse.  
Sirius kept his hand on top of hers and rubbed her hand with his thumb. She understood that to mean that Sirius knew it hadn't been snot.

A minute later Sirius turned onto an off ramp and into the parking lot of a large petrol station meant for the lorry drivers. He cut off the engine and got off the bike. Lily looked away, away from both of them.

"Lily has the hiccups; we are going to go in for some water. Coming?" Sirius asked James.

"Yep, think I'll make use of their toilet," James said climbing out of the side car.  
Lily looked down to the ground so that he face was hidden as she hiccupped loudly again.  
Sirius assisted Lily hobble in and James immediately went for the bathroom. Lily watched him as he went; he was still wearing her stocking around his head. She hiccupped again and another tear fell down her cheek.

As if he could read her mind Sirius pulled her in for a tight hug, stroking her (by now) wild mane of hair.  
"I know... I know..." He said comfortingly. It took everything she had not to start bawling right there in his arms. After a good few moments she had built up the strength to push him away even though she didn't want to.

"I know you do, and thank you. But if you are too sweet to me I will really start to cry and then we will both be in trouble."

Sirius smiled and cupped her face in his hands wiping away stray tears with his thumbs. He leaned over her and kissed her innocently on the mouth. The most innocent kiss Sirius Black had ever given. Also the most loving.

Lily thought she understood why women came crying to Sirius. He was just so... Sirius. Remus was the man to whom you talked to work everything out, Sirius was just a beautiful shoulder to cry on and beautiful arms to hold you. That was his gift, she realised. Sirius _knew_ women, and more often than not used that to his own advantage, but not this time. She knew exactly what he meant by it and it was precisely what she needed. She loved Sirius, she truly did.

"Well, if you ever need..."

"I'm not going to be an Agatha Argyle and show up on your doorstep crying."

Sirius let out a bark of laughter. "Well, the offer still stands."

She stood on tip toe and kissed him on the cheek in return. "Thanks Sirius."

"Ok enough of the emotional stuff."

"I was just about to say that myself."

"Go to the bathroom, you look terrible."

"Thanks, Sirius." She said with considerably less sincerity than the last time.

"Wouldn't want Prongs to see you like that would you?"

"He's seen me worse."

"Has he?"

"Naked, covered in dirt and blood, vomiting. He's seen me crying before, I don't think a mess of hair, splotchy cheeks, and puffy eyes will shock him too badly."

Sirius was nodding absently. When he realized she had stopped talking he looked at her and said, "What? Sorry, I stopped listening after naked..."

Lily laughed. Merlin, her laugh was wonderful. She tousled his hair with her hand as she hopped past him to go to the ladies' room on the opposite side than the men's. Sirius had lied, she didn't look terrible, her cheeks weren't splotchy, but rosy with cold, and her eyes weren't puffy but a striking shade of green when filled with tears.

James walked out of the bathroom, wiping his hands on his trousers because there hadn't been any paper towels. When he looked up he saw Sirius hugging Lily tightly and he hid himself behind a tower of sacks of charcoal briquettes.

James was confused at first but he felt better when she pushed him away. His best friend then put his hands on her cheeks and it was then that he noticed she was crying. 'Why was she crying? What was wrong?' He stopped asking himself questions when he saw Sirius lean down and kiss her on the lips. It wasn't even the usual Sirius kiss either, neither grand nor showy, meltingly steamy kisses he usually used. No, this one was soft, sweet, sincere, _and_ _hundred times more worrying_.

It was over in a second and Sirius started speaking again. She responded with something that made him laugh out loud and look down at her smiling again. A few more words were exchanged and Lily actually rose to kiss him, just as casually and easily as Sirius had done, like a couple who have been with each other for a long time and no longer needed long kisses to show their love, but quick ones simply to remind them of it. Lily wiped away a few more tears as they spoke some more then she rumpled his hair playfully as she walked away.

Once she was gone he walked out towards Sirius. Now was not the time to mention anything, nor did he know what he would say if it were. He didn't even know what to think let alone say.

"Lily's in the restroom."

"I figured."

"She has a great laugh, doesn't she?" Sirius said appreciatively.

"If you say so..."

They stood in silence until Lily came back out. Hair slightly better coiffed and cheeks dry. They trekked back out to the bike and resumed their positions, James in the sidecar, and Lily behind Sirius.

He watched her as she put her head on his back and her arms around Sirius's middle, and she saw the smile on his face when she did. He placed one of his own hands on top of hers for a moment before he started up the bike again.

The next 2 hours on the bike gave James plenty of time to think. Had he missed something? Clearly he had. Were they secretly together? Now that he thought of it, Sirius had picked her up automatically when he learned of her injured ankle, but he hadn't been overly flirtatious about it at all, nor had she seemed surprised in the least. It was almost as if she had expected him to do it.

And he remembered how naturally she had put her arms around his neck and he didn't blink an eye. Normally he would have made some kind of suggestive comment. He didn't, he just made sure that she was alright.

When he did smile at her it wasn't his usually predatory smile he used when pursuing women, it was a simple, genuine one. What was it that had made him smile like that... oh yes, her laugh. He had just said how much he liked her laugh, hadn't he? And she had actually said that she had saved his life for Sirius's sake, though said in jest now James couldn't help but feel offended.

And another thing! When he had talked Sirius in the mirror he had asked if Lily was ok, and the first thing he did when they met up after commenting on the stockings was getting all uppity about her ankle. In fact, Sirius had given him an accusing stare when he said, "You said she was alright..." when she wasn't and seemed overly worried about her safety and being able to run away in an emergency injured that way.

And then there was that scene in the bar. He had held her and she had cried in his arms, they had kissed, twice, she had played with his hair. You just don't do any of those things if you don't care for each other.

Worst of all was he had no right to get mad. Well, he could yell at Sirius and tell him not to play one of his students, but from what he saw he didn't look like he was playing her. In fact, he had never seen Sirius so earnest and caring with a woman before. He wanted to call Sirius a traitor, but Lily wasn't his, nor did Sirius take her from him. 'Damn it, Sirius,' he thought. When? How? He and Lily spent so much of their time together, he had no idea when she could have made time to see him, unless it was during those nights when James hadn't been there. But that would mean Sirius would have to sneak into Hogwarts...

The idea of that made him sick. Sirius snuck around the school grounds all the time with him when they were younger, it would be simple for him to do it again. He thought of how often Lily had gone to the Astronomy tower after anything important happened. Had Sirius been there waiting for her? How often? What did they do? They obviously shared a profound, natural sort of intimacy, they looked so close.

They had kept this from him. Both of them. 'No wonder, Sirius_ tried_ to ask my permission openly and I refused him time and time again. I didn't leave him much choice, did I?' Sirius had even said, 'why would I go through all this trouble if I just wanted sex...' At the time James thought he was just doing it because he thought of course his friend could tell he cared for Lily. He was just teasing him in typical Sirius fashion. But no, he really was asking James for permission.

James sighed. He had never seen Sirius so careful, caring, and carefree with any girl before. Lily was obviously special to him. Lily he knew, wanted more than anything to be cared for, and Sirius seemed to be doing that.

He wasn't angry at Sirius. He couldn't be angry when the two people he loved most were happy.

Not angry, just irrevocably, incurably, irreparably, and irrepressibly depressed…

They stopped at Sirius's flat in London to get them fed and dried properly (meaning magically.) They wrapped her ankle to make mobility a bit easier.

"We are flying the rest of the way so get blankets." To James's indescribable sorrow, Lily was the one to go to the bedroom and get them. 'She knows his apartment.'

"James, you alright? You look terrible." Sirius had the gall to actually sound concerned.

"I think I'm going to die."

"He's exaggerating," Lily said wrapping a blanket around him. "But he has had a rough time. Perhaps get him a glass of wine?"

She sounded so concerned, so caring. He had always thought in the back of the mind that she was like that because she secretly loved him too. 'Fool, you've slept in the same bed a dozen times and not only has nothing happened, but she never even acted like she wanted it to.' How had he been so completely blind to how platonically she treated him. She treated Rupert Ferris wish equal tenderness. He had even seen them cuddling on her couch one evening. Cuddling meant nothing to her. Well, it didn't mean the _same_ thing anyway.

James didn't even taste the wine he swallowed.

"James, are you alright?"

"Fine," he said shrugging away from the hand she put on his arm. She withdrew looking stung. Of course, she could see no reason for his sudden change in attitude, but he wasn't going to explain it to her.

When it was time to get back on their way Sirius suggested, "You know Lils, there's enough room in the side care for both of you. You'll probably be more comfortable there. You can share the blanket and get some rest."

"If James doesn't mind."

"I'm sure he won't. Right?" Sirius said casually to James.

"I don't care," he said coolly.

"Right. See Cariad?" Cariad? What the hell was that? Lily pulled on Sirius's sleeve. "We'll meet you out there, mate," he added to James.

James trudged outside. He was being dismissed to give them a few private moments to themselves no doubt.

x

"Sirius, he's angry."

"Why would he be angry? He's probably just cranky from spending a night freezing in a cave."

"No, he's mad. I can tell."

Sirius frowned. We'll sort it out when we get back to Hogwarts. Come on, I'll help you out."

Sirius helped her into the side care where James was already sitting and fixed the blanket over them. Lily quite liked flying in a motorbike. It was much sturdier than a broom. She didn't feel like she would slide off at any moment.

She tentatively leaned back into James chest. He stiffened in response. Yes, he was rigid, less affectionate and colder than he had been in the cave. He must have just been doing all that for warmth after all.

x

She reclined against him, leaning her back against his chest. It was all he could do to push her off. He wanted to but he couldn't. It was if she were torturing him on purpose. Or would be if she knew how much it hurt. He knew Sirius and Lily would never do anything deliberately to hurt him, but right now he'd think he'd prefer a bit of intentional brutality over this heartache.

He couldn't stop thinking of all those rumours that were circulating about. For a month the entire school had been talking about Lily and Sirius. Was James the only one who didn't believe them? Her best friend Rupert Ferris obviously did. He wrote to Sirius when Lily was sent to the hospital wing.

James's heart sank even more and he buried his face in his hands. When he got back to the castle he would leave. No more Hogwarts for him. He couldn't take it anymore. He'd start packing the moment he finished speaking with Dumbledore. He couldn't bear having to look at her every day. He would ache anytime she came into his office, and he wouldn't have the strength to tell her to leave.

Lily turned around to look at him and he did he best to quickly fix his face into an expression he hoped looked indifferent or stoic. He must have failed because she gave him a sympathetic look and took his hand and put it to her cheek.

'Why are you doing this to me? Stop looking at me like that. Stop being so caring. Stop touching me.' His mental commands did no good whatsoever, she was still doing it, still looking at him, still caring, still touching. And despite the wrenching of his heart there was a part of him that didn't want her to let go.

James smiled weakly and gave that cheek a small caress with his thumb. She smiled in relief and closed her eyes leaned back into him again, not letting go of his hand. He took a deep steadying breath and tried to control himself. He would just have to live with it for a few hours and then he'd be free…

Oh who was he kidding, he might be able to get Lily out of his sight in a few hours but he'd _never_ be free.

xx

Sirius landed the motorbike right in front of the Hogwarts steps where Peter, Remus, Hagrid, McGonagall, and Dumbledore were all waiting for them.

They were instantly bombarded with questions.

"No, I'm fine." _Worst I've ever felt in my entire life._ "Never been better."

"Look a bit peaky," observed Wormtail, poking him in the stomach.

"Hey!" Lily began defensively. "How about we nearly bleed _you_ to death then try to drown you, then leave you soaking wet to freeze in the snow and see how _you_ look."

Wormtail's eyebrows rose. "Apparently I hit a sore note. I suppose I won't mention the lady's underthings he's got wrapped around his head…"

"That was to stop the bleeding," she added a bit less harshly, almost embarrassedly.

"Do you require the hospital wing?" the Headmaster enquired of James.

"Lily does," he said helping the girl out of the side care, holding onto her arm so she could find her balance on one foot. She began to hop up the stairs but Sirius caught her mid hop and carried her up the rest of the way. The rightful owner had reclaimed her.

The entire group relocated to the hospital wing where Madame Pomfrey immediately fixed her hairline fractured ankle. And here they had thought it was just a twist. She had dragged James out of the water, up those rocks, and into a cave with a fractured ankle. She had killed a man for him. Yet she didn't love him? Not like he wanted to be loved anyway.

"Wait!" Lily asked as the healer began to go back to her cupboard, no doubt to fetch nasty potions to force down them. "There's something else."

She turned her back to Madame Pomfrey and removed her shirt. All four Marauders circled around to see what it was.

"Ouch."

"Ick."

"Hmm…"

"Nice one!" came their varied but simultaneous replies.

After his 'hmm' James asked, "When did that happen?"

"When we rolled off the cliff."

None of the other people present looked terribly surprised so James assumed Sirius had let them know.

"Remus was at my place when we spoke on the mirror. I told him what you told me and sent him to Hogwarts while I came to get you," Sirius explained to Lily.

James wondered how he could have missed such a nasty gash and bruise on her back. The blood was now crusted, but Madame Pomfrey wiped it away and healed the cut before vanishing the bruise.

James took the potion Madame Pomfrey handed him with slight reluctance. He didn't know what it was but he did feel better, warmer, less woozy. He didn't even know he had been feeling woozy until it went away.

The time came for them to tell the story and Lily turned her pleading eyes on him. 'You tell them,' they seemed to say. He couldn't deny her anything, even now. Not that this was much of a burden.

"There really isn't much to tell," he began. There really wasn't. They hadn't learned much from their little trip. Nevertheless he recounted what had happened, but he omitted details like Lily falling from her broom for her sake. And for his didn't mention the cruciatus curse. However he did feel it necessary to let them know that a death eater had died in the fray, but he didn't say how.

He hazarded a glance at Lily who smiled (well, one side of her mouth twitched up) gratefully.

There was a moment of silence as everyone waited for James to continue, when they realised he wasn't going to Professor Dumbledore got to his feet and wordlessly left the room. McGonagall, looking a bit confused at the Headmaster's departure followed him out.

"Is he ang--" Lily started.

"Don't say it," James commanded. "Stop assuming you are always in the wrong."

She shut her mouth, and didn't finish the question.

"So what happened to the brooms?" Sirius asked, changing the conversation.

"I stepped on one in my haste to… in my haste. Bella was holding the other one last I saw. That bitch has Juliet."

"So what happens now?"

"Lily is going to take a nice long warm bath," she announced, then looked at Madame Pomfrey to see if the healer dared tell her she couldn't. When she received no such reply she started out the door, but then turned to Hagrid. "Tradition?"

"O'course. Whenever you are ready," he said with a smile.

She smiled back and left and Hagrid soon followed.

"Padfoot, can I talk to you for a bit?" He tried his best to sound casual in front of the others. "Outside?" He didn't want to have this conversation at all, let alone in front of Moony and Wormtail.

"Of course, Prongs. We'll be back," he called to the others as they walked out.

"Don't count on it," James hissed under his breath. Sirius looked to James in surprise, it had been a long time indeed since he had used that tone of voice with him.

"What is it?" Sirius asked when they were out of the steps.

"I want the truth, not that it matters anymore. Just so I know, how long have really known Lily? Don't tell me you met for the first time in Hogsmeade."

Sirius's eyes went wide and he swallowed hard. "What do you mean, 'not that it matters anymore?"

"I mean that it won't change anything either way, so you might as well tell me the truth."

"We've been in contact since you both joined the Order. But look, Prongs, it's not how it…"

"What?!" he bellowed.

"Calm down, James. There's nothing…"

"Don't tell me there is nothing between you. I _saw_."

"Saw what?"

"You kissed her."

Sirius paled. "James, that was **_not_** how it looked."

"I said it doesn't matter. I just wanted to know how long you have been keeping this from me."

"Will you just let me explain?"

"You don't have to explain anything. You have my blessing. You could have told me. My only objection was that I thought you were trying to play one of my students. You obviously care for each other so I have nothing to disapprove of. Enjoy her. Happy Christmas."

James stormed off leaving Sirius looking like a kicked puppy. James didn't really care. That poor kicked puppy still came away with the prize so he wasn't exactly going to be sympathetic.

He made a messy business of packing. Actually it wasn't even packing at all. It was flinging his wand around his office, upturning furniture, chests, wardrobes, scattering his things about his office and making a general mess.

"ARGH!" he roared kicking a chest. He slammed the office door behind him as he left and he heard another satisfying crash behind him. He'd fix it later. It was Christmas, he had to visit his mother or she'd have his hide.

x

"I can handle the truth, Sirius. Just tell me." Lily had finished her bath and had stopped by the hospital wing to meet the boys. Sirius had led her outside the moment she entered so they could talk privately.

"What he said wasn't what he meant."

"I'll take the truth, Sirius, rather than what you think is the truth. Just tell me what happened."

He sighed. "He said we should have told him, we have his blessing and that since I'm obviously not in it for a shag he didn't at all disapprove. Then he said 'happy Christmas' the way Scrooge would say 'bah humbug' and left. Lily, I promise that's not how he really felt."

"Has he ever told you how he really felt? Has he ever said the smallest thing that might lead you to believe that he does care? Or was this just a romantic notion you cooked up yourself?"

"He might not have said the words, 'I fancy Lily Evans' but it was implied in every sentence."

"Did he ever say, 'I _don't_ fancy Lily Evans?'" she asked shrewdly.

Sirius didn't want to answer. Yes, he had denied emphatically having feelings for her but that didn't make a spot of difference. Lily correctly took his silence to mean 'yes.'

"I'm going to Hagrid's. I'll see you later Sirius."

"Lily, I _swear_ he cares."

"Sirius," she said evenly, her exhaustion heartbreakingly palpable. "I care for Ebony, but I could happily see her fly away with another owl."

"You aren't an owl."

"Roo then. I _love_ Roo, and yet I'd love to see him happy with someone. There are all too many kinds of caring Sirius. Let's face it; matters of the heart were never your forte."

"Look. I may have never been in love but I know James."

"Please, Sirius. Just let me go." She started walking down the corridor towards the great oak doors.

"You **_have_** to tell him!" he shouted after her.

x

"Sorry Hagrid, will all the happenings of the past few days I haven't got your present yet."

"You already gave me the album."

"That doesn't count. Besides I know what I'm getting you anyway," she said sipping her mulled wine. A knock came at the door and Hagrid rose to open it.

"Hullo Professor Dumbledore!"

"Evening, Hagrid, Lily," he said giving a dip of the head to both of them. Hagrid pulled up a seat for the new member and produced another glass of the seasonal beverage. It was then that Lily thought that Dumbledore must be rather lonely as well.

"Professor Dumbledore, I've been meaning to apologise. Going to Dover was a rash impulse, I shouldn't have done it. I'm sorry."

"Miss Evans, I confess I didn't give the mines as much thought as I should have. This proves that it really is something important to Voldemort's plans and therefore important to us. You fought bravely and have nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I award Gryffindor house 30 points."

"You don't have to do that, Professor."

"Well, what would you prefer?"

"Nothing," she said bowing her head embarrassedly. "The points are fine." Dumbledore wasn't able to give her what she wanted.

Another knock sounded at the door, but the visitor didn't wait for Hagrid. Sirius walked right in.

"Ah, Lonely Hearts Club, I see. Good, I was afraid I had the wrong address. Where is Sergeant Pepper?"

"Shut up, Sirius," Lily said with a trace of amusement. She was the only one to catch the (pathetic) attempt at humour. He had a point though. All four of them were alone in their own way. There was Hagrid who would probably always be alone unless by some miracle there was _another_ half giant out there somewhere. Then there was Sirius, who simply didn't allow himself to love. Lily, who was flat out _denied_ love. And Dumbledore, who remained a mystery as always. Why hadn't he ever found love? Or perhaps he had and he too had been denied it. Dumbledore was rather old, perhaps he had simply outlived his lover. It was strange to imagine Dumbledore falling for any woman though. He would always be the wise and wizened old headmaster she had always known.

Lily excused herself an hour or so later, saying she wanted to turn in. The others acknowledged that she should indeed rest and Sirius offered to walk her back.

"So are you going to tell him or not?" he asked.

"Not."

"Why? You **_have_** to!"

"You want me to humiliate myself and break my heart even more just so you can go back to being buddies? Sorry, Sirius. I'm not that self sacrificing."

"That's not the only reason."

"So it is _a_ reason."

"I'm not going to deny it," he said seriously. "He hasn't been this cross since I tried to feed Snivellus Snape to Moony."

"You **WHAT**?"

"He deserved it! Trying to find out about where Remus went every month," he defended himself. "We all hated him, and he hated James especially. One full moon I told him how to stop the whomping willow to find out exactly what he wanted to know. James found out though and went after him. Risked his own life to save Snape's worthless skin. Not like Snivellus would have ever done something like that for _him_."

She turned a glare on Sirius. "You really are heartless aren't you? How could you do that to Severus? And to your own friend! You reckless, heartless…" she ran out of words. She couldn't think of anything horrible enough so she simply gave his chest a hard shove and she ran towards the castle.

Her mind buzzed. _Sirius_ had tried to use _Remus_ to kill _Severus_ and _James_ had saved them, both Lupin and Snape. If Sirius had succeeded then Remus would have been put down like a rabid dog for killing someone. Not just someone, but Severus.

She knew that he didn't have the best time at school but she didn't know that he and the group of men she now loved hated each other so much. But James had saved him. James. In spite of everything James had saved Severus. Even though she swore to herself that she didn't care for Serverus anymore she couldn't stop feeling overwhelming gratitude at what James had done. That was why she loved him. So _good_. So wonderful. So James...

"Lily, wait! Where are you going?" he shouted after her.

"To tell him!" she shouted back.

x

"What on earth was that about?" Remus asked Sirius after seeing a tear streaked red headed blur fly past him.

Sirius didn't answer the question. "I think I'm going to gorge myself in the kitchens. Happy Christmas, mate," he said giving Remus a one armed squeeze.

"Happy Christmas," he replied confusedly. As one friend disappeared another appeared. "James!" he greeted pleasantly, seeing his friend coming from the direction of Hogsmeade. No doubt just back from a visit to his mother's.

"Did you know about Lily and Sirius?" his friend asked without preamble.

'Ah,' Remus thought. 'So that's what this is all about.'

"I knew that they were close, yes."

"_Close_," James said as if chiding Remus's choice of words.

"I think it is a good thing for Sirius."

"Can't deny _that_," he admitted reluctantly.

"Yes, he's learning how to cultivate a relationship with a woman _without_ shagging. A remarkable improvement I'd say."

"Wait. You mean… you said they _don't_?"

"Merlin, no! What a repulsive thought."

"But why not?"

"Didn't you tell him not to?"

"Yes, but…"

"Sirius is loyal above anything else, and probably to you more than anyone. Even if you hadn't told him not to he still wouldn't have."

"Why not?"

"Because in Sirius's mind Lily has _always_ been yours. And he would never do that to you."

"So if he didn't think I cared for her would he have gone for her?"

Remus shrugged. "Probably. You see how well they get on."

"So the only thing keeping them apart is his loyalty to me?"

"I didn't say that. Not only would he be respectful of what _she_ wants but it's far too late for them now. They are too fast of friends. Any attraction Sirius may have had faded long ago." Remus wasn't entirely sure if what he said was wholly true but said it anyway for James' peace of mind.

"How do you mean, respectful of what _she_ wants?"

"It means you can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in one."

"So… what you are saying is that they are just friends?" he asked in disbelief.

"By George, I think he's got it."

"Then why didn't they say anything? Why did he hide it if they weren't sleeping together?"

"He didn't think you'd believe him. He was afraid you would react…"

"Exactly the way I did," James finished for him looking slightly ashamed.

"Oh. You did?" James nodded. "Well then that probably explains why I saw her run into the castle crying after talking with Padfoot."

"No." Had Sirius _told_ her what he had said? Did Lily think he actually didn't care? That he _wanted_ her to be happy with Sirius? No! He wanted her to be happy with **_him_**.

"Happy Christmas, Remus!" he said quickly before darting towards the castle

"And a Happy Christmas to you…" Remus replied with a grin, long after James could have heard him.

x

Unable to find Lily in her common room or the Astronomy Tower James returned to his office, completely unprepared for the scene he would find there.

Not only had he momentarily forgotten that he had trashed his office in the heat of his temper tantrum he was frozen in horrified confusion at the sight of Lily weeping on the ground next to his own dead body.

It took a moment for it all to sink in and yet another to compute it.

He had let the boggart out of its chest when he wrecked his room. 'And Lily's worst fear is my death. Not Padfoot's, not Moony's, not Rupert's, **_mine_**.' Who knew the sight of your own corpse could be so heart lifting?

James withdrew his wand and manoeuvred the boggart back into the chest and shut it in before lowering himself to the floor beside her. The Dragon's Eye lay next to her, discarded. He pulled her torso from its prostrate position on the floor and pulled her into him, holding her more tightly than he ever had before.

"Oh, Lily, Lily, Lily…" Her name rolled so easily off his tongue.

He stroked her hair for a moment before pulling away so he could look at her properly. She looked back at him with wide tear filled eyes, then to the ground where his boggart body previously lay, then back to him again, letting out a strangled cry of relief.

James took the necklace off the ground and refastened it around her neck, keeping his hands there as he brought his forehead to hers.

"_I thought I told you never to take it off_," he whispered.

And with that, James Potter _kissed_ Lily Evans.


	45. Boxing Day

She didn't know when, how, or why it had happened, all she knew was that her life was over. There would be no recovering from this. The one she had always counted on to bring her back was lying dead in the middle of his ransacked office. She felt her heart stop beating and she hoped it would never start again.

This despair was worse than the dementors, this pain worse than the curciatus, this life more unbearable than any death.

He was gone. She would fall headlong into grief or madness and there was no coming back this time. There was nothing to come back to.

Someone was holding her now so tightly she couldn't even see who it was until he let go.

James? She looked to the floor and he was no longer there, then back to the figment before her.

Madness was _clearly_ a more enjoyable retreat than depression, for as sure as she breathed James was holding her, murmuring to her, leaning in towards her, _kissing her._

She would advance upon this lunacy whole heartedly. Oh, happy hallucination! He kissed her cheek, her jaw, her temple, her forehead, her eyelids, her mouth, her neck, mumbling "It was just a boggart" as he moved his lips from one location to another.

"Only a boggart," her mind echoed fuzzily.

And then it hit her all at once with startling clarity.

It was only a boggart. She wasn't mad and James really **_wasn't_** dead. He really was alive and is tongue really **was **in her mouth.

It was then her heart started beating again, pounding 100 painful times a minute. She had to push him away before the happiness actually_ killed_ her.

She barely had any strength left, but what little she had she used to pry him off of her. When she finally managed she stopped to catch her breath. She simply stared at James in wonder, he was breathing hard too. She couldn't stop her hand from going automatically to her lips which were tingling even still.

He backed away from her, looking slightly shocked, worried, confused. His words came out in a tumultuous unintelligible stream. "Sorry, I shouldn't have. I thought... I should have... I didn't mean... I didn't want... I mean I _did_ want, but..." etc etc.

What on earth was he apologising for? And here he had told her she was always quick to assume she was in the wrong. She just needed a moment to breathe. She wasn't pushing him away because she didn't want him. Is that what he thought? Well, he wouldn't think that for long.

She rose slowly, gracefully, silently and walked over to where he sat and stopped his incessant babble by pressing a finger to his lips.

"Shhh..." She wrapped her hands behind his neck as she placed a kiss on his mouth. "_No talking._"

His eyebrows rose in understanding, then lowered again. "As you wish, my dear," he said with a grin.

x

He had waited so long for this moment. Actually he had waited longer for the latest model of racing broom to come out but never had it been so interminable. He at least knew when he would be able to buy that broom. He had never known when or even _if_ he would ever have Lily.

James had played this moment over in his head a hundred times, and he always imagined when it did happen it would be because he lost control and simply pinned her against a wall because he couldn't take it anymore.

Now that the moment was finally here he went agonisingly slow, taking his sweet time with every lingering kiss. What was the point in hurrying? They had all night.

No, they had the _rest of their lives_.

No need to rush at all...

Sometimes they would stop entirely and just hold each other, not saying anything, just being there together. In fact they had been rather idle for the better part of a half an hour. She was sitting in his lap in his desk chair when she got up and walked over and through the mess of his office into his bedroom.

In the next minutes that followed several things swirled phantasmagorically through his head. Ideas, wishes, visions, everything then blurred together and it culminated into one single thought. He knew she said no talking but he couldn't stop himself from sighing the next few words in the dark.

"I... I love you," he gasped.

Lily didn't reply, nor did he expect or want her to. Her mouth and tongue were otherwise (very agreeably) engaged.

(after a time when the former business was concluded.)

"_Mine_," he said. Finally finally finally! He still couldn't really believe it. Even as he stroked her bare hip he wondered if it was real. She buried her face in his neck and he shuddered involuntarily.

He grabbed her face and looked at her intently. "I meant it you know. I wasn't just saying that because you were... I mean... I love you. I really do."

She nuzzled back into his neck in response.

They lay there for a while until the chill that had been momentarily banished by the passion in the room slowly began to creep back in. They retreated under the covers and Lily hid her head under the blankets. James grinned. She was about to talk about something, she always hid when she was going to say something important. Nothing had really changed.

"How long?" she asked.

"Since what? I've loved you? Wanted you? Needed you?"

"Any of them. All of them."

"Not telling." She poked him in the side from under the blanket and he tried his best not to laugh. "Too long. Longer than I'd admit." He chuckled. "You know, I kissed you when you were asleep in St. Mungo's when no one was watching. I wanted you back so much."

"I kissed you when you fell asleep after you came back that one full moon torn to bits."

"Taking advantage of me in my sleep, Evans? Pervert."

"That's the pot calling the cauldron black."

"I was doing the whole Prince Charming waking Sleeping Beauty kiss. You just waited for me to pass out before you could do what you wanted with me."

"Yes, but yours obviously didn't work, did it? So basically you were kissing a half dead girl."

James removed the blanket from her. "Yes, but you are perfectly awake _now,_" he said suggestively, following the comment with the obvious action. "And now you are _mine_."

"I always _have_ been," she said sounding exasperated.

"Yes but at least now_ I_ know it. You might have told me, saved some agony."

"You weren't exactly forthcoming, Potter."

"I was a fair side more forthcoming than you were! I slipped up SO many more times than you did. You _must_ have noticed."

"I did, but anything that gave me hope I immediately discarded, ignored. I was in awkward, stunted, clumsy denial."

"Why?"

"I was afraid."

"Lily Evans? Head Girl, order member, aspiring auror, _afraid_?" James asked amusedly.

"Afraid of love. Finding it but not being able to nourish it. Having to deny it. Hide it." There was a pause. "I _still_ have to hide it."

"Not from me," he said kissing her brow. "Not anymore." Of course neither of them needed to mention the last fear which had been only too clearly illustrated only a few hours before. Afraid of _losing_ love, perhaps the very worst of them all.

A question he had been wanting to ask for a long time answered itself when he entered her. Lily Evans was a virgin. He felt her break at the penetration and he held her in silent apology until she was ready to continue. And continue they did... and continued to continue for quite a while.

x

James awoke the next morning feeling the best he ever had. He smiled into his pillow and reached over to pull Lily to him but she wasn't there.

He sat up quickly. Had he dreamt that entire thing? Please, no. Please! He looked around for any evidence she had been there but he found none. No clothes, no nothing. He roared and punched the bedpost as hard as he could. This was unendurable. It had seemed so _real_. He wanted it to be real so badly it hurt.

There was a splash from the bathroom and a moment later Lily appeared sopping wet and towel clad, a stunning vision of loving concern.

She must have dried herself wandlessly as she crossed the room. "James? What happened?" Seeing that there wasn't anything terribly wrong she sighed and put a hand through his hair. He heaved an enormous sigh of relief as he pulled her in to sit on his lap. He placed his head on her shoulder. She continued to run her fingers through his hair. It felt wonderful.

"James?"

"Nothing," he said shaking his head, unable to hide the smile. "It was nothing. Taking a bath were you?"

"Obviously."

"Were you finished?"

"Yes."

"Hmm... then I suppose it would be cruel of me to get you dirty again."

She smiled. "How considerate," she said rising from his lap. She gathered some of her things from the foot of the bed, ('So _that's _why I didn't see them,') and hopped into the office to gather the remaining articles that had been left in there. She was regretfully mostly dressed when she came back in. She was holding her blouse and stockings and in her hand and sat on the bed to slide the tights on.

James admired her bare back, and removed one of the bra straps so he could trace the scar underneath it with his finger, remnant of that fateful full moon that had truly brought them together.

She put on her shoes and blouse and stood to leave. "Later, Potter," she said rumpling his hair. He jumped out of bed and grabbed her from behind, saying "Mine!"

"Yes, we've established that," she said wriggling around to face him.

"I know, I just like saying it. It means I can do this whenever I want," he said kissing the top of her head.

"Now don't get all soft on me James," she teased.

"I'm far from soft at the moment, if you couldn't tell."

Lily looked down and burst out laughing. "You deal with it. I'm going down to see the others."

"Cruel lady," he said giving her lips a quick peck. "Very well go on, off with you. Go brighten my undeserving friends' lives with you glorious presence.

"That's enough praise, I think. You know I don't like it."

"This will just have to be one of the things you'll have to get used to, I'm afraid."

x

When Lily entered the commandeered hospital wing Peter and Sirius were already awake talking in a corner. Sirius stood the moment she entered. "I'm... I'm..."

Lily could have giggled. Sirius was trying to apologise, how cute. Still the struggle was almost too hard to watch so she put him out of his misery. "It's alright, Sirius," she said giving him a kiss on the cheek. She would just have to forget about what he tried to do to Severus. He had been a young boy then. Actually she rather thought he hadn't changed that much, but it would just be easier to ignore that part of his past, just as she hoped they would likewise forget certain bits of _hers_ if they ever happened to learn it. "I followed your instructions by the way."

"You told him?" he asked hopefully.

Lily's brows drew together. She _hadn't_ in point of fact. Strange. She had gone to his office for that very purpose and yet the entire time she had been with him she hadn't managed to get out those three words. It had been unmistakably implied, but she hadn't actually told him. "No, actually."

Sirius's face fell. "What instructions of mine did you follow then?" he asked confusedly.

"Well, lots of it. For example," she leaned in and whispered in his ear. "_I didn't use my teeth_."

Sirius opened his mouth then closed it again, shutting his eyes tightly and slapped his hand over his eyes. He started shaking for a few seconds before he burst into uncontrollable uproarious laughter.

"Oh Cariad you are spectacular," he said picking her up and swinging her around. "So..."

"So you and James are square."

"You wonderful, darling thing, you." He rumpled her hair.

"Enough with the compliments. There's only so much a girl can take."

"Ah. Yes." He cleared his throat, slightly embarrassed by the blatant display of affection. "Well done, Evans." He gave her a manly pat on the back.

x

When James entered the Hospital wing half an hour later he saw for the first time the true nature of Lily and Sirius's relationship and simply grinned and watched. Sirius was giving Lily a piggyback ride and they were chasing Remus around the room, Lily kicking out her legs at the poor werewolf who tried to run and dodge while Peter sat on one of the beds shouting out suggestions on amusingly strategic places she should aim.

James couldn't help laughing which drew the attention to him.

"It's Prongs! Get him!"

Remus looked relieved to no longer be the target as Sirius raced towards him. He simply shook his head. Quickly and easily he dodged and circled behind grabbing Lily who very cooperatively let go of Sirius and went into James's arms.

"Mine."

"What was that, Prongs?" Sirius asked.

James wrapped his arms around Lily's waist and repeated, "Mine."

"That's his word of the day, apparently," she said laughingly.

"Alright, breakfast," James said. "I'm famished,"

"From all that physical exertion."

"What have I said about lewd and tasteless japery?"

"What? I was talking about your adventure in Dover. _You_ are the one being lewd."

James didn't know how to reply to this so he simply rumpled his hair awkwardly and said, "Food anyone?"

x

There was only one table set with food where students and teachers all sat together. However at this time of the morning there weren't many students at all. Lily saw with slight sadness that the only other 3 students there were fellow orphans. There was a pair of 4th year Ravenclaws, siblings, and one second year Slytherin girl. Lily was about to take her seat in between James and Sirius, but changed her mind and went to sit next to the lonely girl.

"Hey. Looks like we are the only ones left from our houses."

"Mmhmm," she replied nervously. Lily could understand that. If a 7th year Slytherin had come up and started talking to her when she was in her second year she might be a bit embarrassed too.

"I'm Lily."

"I know," she replied. "People talk about you a lot."

"Oh," said Lily sadly. For a moment she had allowed herself to think it was because she was simply the Head Girl. "If you don't want me to sit here you can tell me."

"No, I don't mind. I know that half the things aren't true. I'm Madeline."

"I have a question for you Madeline."

"What?"

"What do you want to be when you graduate?"

"Oh, erm... I don't really know yet."

"What's your favourite class?"

"Transfiguration."

"Really? That's a tough class. You know they say that people who can get Transfiguration have an easier time understanding all the other subjects. It's sort of the platform that you can build from."

"What's your favourite subject?"

"I like almost all of my classes. But I think I'd have to say charms."

"Why?"

"Why do you like transfiguration?"

"Because... it's easy to do when you have all the rules."

"I like charms because it lets me be creative. The rules aren't as definite so you can sort of bend them to what you want."

"I thought you were Head Girl. Aren't you supposed to like following rules?"

"Well..." She thought of James. His favourite subject was Transfiguration and he had no respect for the rules whatsoever. "Rules are there for a reason, but magical rules are fun to bend."

"I didn't know that you could bend magic."

"You can if you think about it the right way. Try finding tricks around or through things. Magic isn't a set thing; it's fluid, mercurial, flexible, versatile, protean."

"Protean?"

"It readily takes on various shapes, meanings."

"Oh. Professor McGonagall never explained it that way."

"Well, different teachers teach magic differently."

"Is that what you want to be when you graduate? A teacher?"

"Actually I want to be an auror."

"Just like Professor Potter?"

"_Just_ like Professor Potter," she replied proudly.

The girl looked down at her plate and blushed. "He's my favourite."

"Can you keep a secret?"

The girl looked up and nodded.

Lily leaned in and put a hand to the girls ear and whispered, "He's mine too."

The girl giggled and Lily couldn't stop herself from chuckling too.

x

"Who's the wee one?" Sirius asked, following James's gaze down the table to the red head.

" Aberdeen. She's a second year Slytherin.

"Why is she talking to her?"

"Probably she felt bad she was all alone."

"Little snake deserves to be alone."

"Sirius, that's just a 12 year old girl."

"Yeah but 12 year old Slytherin girls grow up and marry Slytherin men and make evil Slytherin babies. That could be a future Bella Lily's wasting her time with."

The name snapped James out of his warm fuzzy mood and turned to his friend. "I _hate_ your cousin, Sirius. Not kidding, I might just kill if I see her again," James growled.

"I don't think your loathing can quite match mine."

"I bet it can."

James's jaw ached from clenching his teeth so tightly. The image of Lily's screaming writhing pain ridden body burned in his mind's eye. He couldn't even unclench his mouth to tell Sirius what had happened, but perhaps Lily already had.

"But maybe Lily will have a good influence on the future she devil. She seems good with kids."

James turned his glance back to his lady love; she was smiling, _glowing_ even. The girl next to her was giggling embarrassedly. He grinned stupidly.

"Not bad for when you start making all those James Juniors," Sirius said facetiously. The grin fell immediately and he looked to Sirius horrified. "Calm down, Prongs, it was just a joke. No one is going to start throwing babies at you."

"That's not it." He hadn't even thought about it, it hadn't even crossed his mind last night. He had completely forgotten that protection even existed. He looked to Lily and then in some fool notion to her stomach, as if he would be able to tell already. But of course he couldn't perceive any difference. How long before they could know for sure?

"Well then wha… ah, mail!" Sirius deftly caught the Prophet that cam flying towards his head.

"Still reading that?"

"Afraid so. It appeals to my morbid curiosity," he said opening it. James went back to staring at Lily who was now looking at the Prophet along with young Aberdeen.

James was shocked when both Lily and Sirius stood up at the same moment. Sirius pointed to Lily and laughed.

"It's not funny, Sirius!"

"Oh come on, you have to appreciate the humour in it. How many people get to read their own obituary in the paper?"

"What?" James, Peter and Remus said together. He yanked the paper out of Padfoot's hand and began to read aloud to his other friends.

"Recalcitrant Head Girl and Rogue Auror fought to the death? What is this?"

"This is journalism at its best, mate," said Sirius cheerfully.

"It says I pushed her!"

"And that she took you down with her, where you both fell to your respective deaths. Ah, such creativity! Such drama! No one can truly write like the Prophet."

"The two are suspected to have been involved in illegal trade of smuggled goblin loot?" James continued reading in disbelief. "Dead goblin found at the scene presumed to be the doing of Lily Evans, known dark potion trafficker?"

"It was _your_ bitch of a cousin who killed Findart!" she shouted to Sirius.

"Why are you pointing at me? Is it just because I'm a Black? I can't help who I'm related to," he said agitatedly.

"Because you are enjoying this! I guess taking pleasure in other people's misfortune runs in the family!"

"Hey!" Sirius began angrily.

It was then Remus stood to break things up. "Easy now, Padfoot. Lily. There's no need to get worked up over this. You are on the same side."

Both Lily and Sirius took a moment to take a few calming breaths. Lily was the one who made the first move. She left her place at her table to stand next to Sirius.

"I didn't mean it, Sirius. You and Bellatrix are thankfully not even _remotely_ alike. You are one of the best men I know and she is the foulest, evillest, cruellest, most vindictive…"

Sirius allowed himself a small laugh and put his hand on her head. "I've met the woman once or twice, I know how twisted she is."

"Ooh twisted! Yes, that's exactly what she is! Twisted malevolent harridan!"

"I think you've made your point, Cariad."

"No I haven't."

"Then make it."

She hugged him around the middle with such sudden force that almost it knocked the wind out of him. Sirius after an imperceptible moment of hesitation returned the embrace.

"Well said!" chimed in Peter.

"And it _is_ kind of funny. The thought that James and I are illicit jewel traders and greed drove us to try and kill each other. Sounds like an interesting read. Someone should write a book."

"I could probably do that for you. I've always fancied myself a master of word craft."

"A gripping thriller or tawdry romance?"

"A tricky combination of both."

"So a tawdry thriller?"

"No, a gripping romance."

"You just said that to be contrary."

"Did not."

"There you go again."

"Do not."

"Alright, now you are just doing that on purpose."

"Am not."

James had sat silently while his best friend and girlfriend fought and made up. He was too busy reading and processing this new development. Neither of them had obviously finished the article. James knew what would need to be done; he would talk to Moody tonight if he and Lily could find a way to get to the Prewitts'. James sighed and rose, unintentionally but effectively stopping the banter.

"What is it?"

"Perhaps we should go somewhere else," James suggested looking around at the three students and the small group of stunned looking teachers. McGonagall was the only one who seemed to understand the situation as James did. She had a copy of the periodical in her hand and without words James nodded to her and she nodded back, leaving the table, presumably for Dumbledore's office.

Lily and the other three Marauders followed James out of the Great Hall and into Lily's common room.

"What's the matter, Prongs?" asked Remus.

"Just a second." James lit the fire, and didn't start talking again until there was a powerful blaze.

"Togglepike. The Death Eater that was killed was Bartholomew Togglepike Head of the Magical Law Enforcement Squad. Works directly under Crouch."

"And we are responsible for the upstanding man's death I presume," she said sadly.

"Would be if they thought we were alive. If the world finds out we aren't dead now they'd beat us in the streets."

"Will I go to Azkaban?"

"Of course not, we just have to sort this out and clear your, _our_ names before word gets out we aren't dead."

"But surely the aurors wouldn't come after you. They'd know the truth," opined Sirius.

"Aurors, yes. Regular magical law enforcement and all the other vigilantes don't. Not to mention it gives all the usual suspects who want us dead a legitimate and defendable reason for killing us. The moment they saw us, even those death eaters who aren't out of the evil closet could kill us in broad daylight and get off scotch free. There are loads of them lurking about the Ministry. We couldn't go in safely; it would be walking into the manticor's den."

"So you just have to play dead for a bit then," Sirius said, giving Lily's shoulder a squeeze with one hand.

"Is it really that simple? Even if we clear it with the ministry there are still hundreds more people who read the Prophet than the ministry law enforcement reports."

"We will have to do some damage control," James said uncertainly.

"What kind of damage control? If we send a reply to the Prophet there is no way they'd print it." She had a point.

"Why don't we just relax for a bit, go to the Prewitts' Boxing Day Soiree and talk it over with everyone else there. There is no use worrying about it now so we might as well enjoy ourselves."

James shrugged. "You're probably right."

"And Cariad, you might want to owl Ferris in case he's seen the Prophet. You know, let him know you aren't dead."

"Sirius!"

"What?"

"That's so sweet, not wanting Rooey to worry… honestly, I might start crying. You are becoming decent, dare I say it, kind. When did you become such a softy?"

"Prongs! Do something with your bird, she's out of control."

"I don't know Padfoot, it _was_ rather thoughtful of you."

"She's corrupted your mind, you aren't thinking properly."

"I think they might be _right_," said Remus grinning.

"You've all gone mad!" Sirius looked as if he were being backed into a corner. He cast an imploring glance to Peter who shrugged.

"I still think you are bastard, mate."

"Thank you! See? Wormtail here is a _true_ friend who doesn't fling about monstrous accusations."

James laughed. Lily really did have a good influence on Sirius.

He flopped down in his usual chair, as Sirius and Peter began playing chess. Both James and Lily decided it would be fun to watch them shout at the pieces for a bit before telling them it was a muggle set. They both gave them an 'I am not amused' look and began their game. Lily quickly penned a note to Ferris and sent it along with Ebony.

"Lily dear, could you come here for a second?" he asked. Lily, who had been standing at the table watching the game unfold, came over to him.

"Yes darling?" she asked sitting in his lap. James had actually meant to trick her into coming over with the intention of grabbing her and not letting her go, but seeing as she had of her own volition settled herself exactly where he planned her to be he had nothing to say. He tried to think of something quickly.

"So how do you want to get to the Prewitt's?"

"Where do they live?"

" Newcastle."

"Well that's an easier distance than London."

"Brooms?" James remembered Lily's last broom ride, and the fact that Hero was broken and Juliet had been kidnapped and suddenly became disenchanted with the idea. "Or perhaps Sirius will lend us his bike."

"Can you even ride a motorbike?"

"Of course not, but I can fly one easily enough."

x

Sirius gave them his permission under the condition that if any damage was done to his baby then he would inflict damage upon James in retaliation. The room then fell relatively silent save for the crackling of the fire, the slight clicking of the chess pieces on the board, and Remus's heavy breathing.

"He's asleep," she said in quiet puzzlement.

"He tends to sleep a bit more the week before the full moon."

"Oh," she said sadly, turning her sympathetic gaze to the sleeping man. James reluctantly let her leave his lap when she tried to stand.

"Might have known she was going for the blanket. She's a compulsive tucker inner. Can't resist putting a blanket over a sleeping Mooney. Watch, next comes the hair."

"Shut up, Sirius," she said as she did indeed run her fingers through his hair. It had meant to be a reprimand, but since she wanted to keep her voice low and soothing so as not to wake Remus it came out loving. Perhaps it was meant lovingly all along.

"_Huna blentyn yn fy mynwes _

_Clyd a chynnes ydyw hon…_"

James smiled. It had been a while since he heard that song and he missed it. He remembered ages back, it seemed, she had sung as she combed his hair with her fingers as she was doing with Remus now. He had fallen asleep on her stomach.

He was seized by a strange urge. It wasn't a strong sexual urge, but one he didn't think he had ever quite experience before. He didn't even know how to explain it. He wanted to… press into her, just feel her beneath him, he wanted to cover her entire body with his own and hide her from everyone else.

He wasn't jealous at all. Not now that he knew the truth, but he still wanted her all to his own. He had only had her for a night. He wanted more time alone with her. Not necessarily to sleep with her, but just to be intimate. He remembered the night before. After those first few glorious minutes they had simply lain on his desk, he stroked her side and kissed her collar bone, but other than that it was just the pressure of their bodies against each other.

He wanted that again. That closeness. He wanted to be as close to her as he possibly could. He was still intoxicated with the idea that he was finally allowed to be.

She only sang the first part and just hummed the rest as she perused the volumes of her shelf. Apparently not finding anything she felt like reading she finally returned to him. She sighed and closed her eyes as she leaned her bead back to ret against the back of the chair. Her muscled relaxed into him. He brushed her hair away and kissed her just below her ear.

"_I love you_," he whispered into her neck. He didn't know why he felt the need to say it again, but he did, he_ had_ to. It was probably the 8th time he had said it in the past 12 hours. If he were to try to explain the only answer he would be able to give wouldn't make much sense. It was if sometimes when she would look at him a certain way, or when she sang like that his heart swelled inside his chest, compressing everything else. The only way to let it go was to say 'I love you,' then the pressure would go back down, if only for a bit, deflated for a moment and he could breathe again until she did something else.

He remembered the day they spoke for the first time after that torturous week of silence. He felt the same compression, the inability to breathe, that same swelling that he couldn't make go down.

Now he had an outlet. Whenever it became too much he just had to say three words.

"Hmm..." was her reply as her lips quirked up. He kissed her neck again and she brought a hand around to the back of his head to keep it there, encouraging him to continue. "Wait, no," she said quietly.

"Why?" he whispered back into her ear, giving it a little tug with his teeth.

"Who's winning?" she asked to the men at the table.

"Padfoot," replied Peter. "His bishop and queen are trying to block my king into a corner. It's only a matter of time; I only have a knight and a pawn to defend me. Make that only a pawn," he said as Sirius took the knight with the aforementioned bishop.

"That's why," she said quietly to him. James had almost forgotten they weren't alone. He didn't like particularly the idea of having an audience either. "And I'm exhausted, wouldn't mind following Remus's example." She adjusted herself slightly to get more comfortable. The chair really wasn't big enough for two grown people but somehow they found a way.

x

"Well isn't that just a pretty picture?" asked Sirius in the middle of the next chess game. Peter turned in his seat to look at what Sirius was talking about.

Both Lily and James were asleep, entwined with each other. James's head rested on Lily's chest, her arms cradling him like a child. Sirius felt completely satisfied. At last all his fine work had finally succeeded and he patted himself on the back for a job well done.

"Pete, do you think you'll ever find that?"

"What, a gorgeous red head?"

"Erm... yeah."

"One can always hope."

"I suppose that's all one _can_ do."

x

To James's disappointment when they went to lunch he learned that Hagrid would be going with them on the motorbike, since he couldn't _legally_ apparate and therefore needed another method of getting there. He had hoped that he would have some alone time with Lily. Granted they would have been in the air, and wouldn't really be able to talk over the racquet of the engine, but at least they would have had time to themselves.

After a late lunch, (in which Lily didn't even sit by him, she sat with Aberdeen again) the three of them left. It would take much longer to fly so they had to leave much earlier. The only positive aspect was that he got to share the side car with Lily again. This time when she leaned back into him he didn't stiffen with dread. To think 24 hours ago he wanted to leave and never see her again.

He circled his arms around her, placing his hands on his stomach as he had before in the cave. With a start he remembered his conversation with Sirius that morning about James Juniors. Might she be? Now wasn't exactly the time or place for such a conversation. In fact, he decided he wouldn't talk about it at all. If she was, she would tell him when she knew, if she wasn't there was no point in bringing up such a serious topic so early in the relationship. Still he couldn't get the idea out of his head. What if she was?

Despite their having left much earlier than everyone else they seemed to be the last ones to arrive.

"Ah, they are here. Come on now, everyone get together. Come on Moody, you too. Smile!" said Gideon. Lily and James found themselves dragged into a large group. James put an arm around Lily right before the loud POOF and a great quantity of white smoke lifted, making the photographer cough.

"Thanks Molly," said Fabian.

"James! Lily! Hagrid! Glad you finally made it," Sirius greeted boisterously. Apparently he had already had a bit to drink. He handed a wine glass to both of them but James took Lily's and handed it to Hagrid instead. It might have just been wishful thinking. It was far too early. It had been a silly impulse but he just couldn't shake it.

She gave him an odd sort of look. He just smiled at her, "Just humour me in this."

Sirius, despite being slightly un-sober noticed this as well, but unlike Lily or Hagrid, made the connection for James's seeming bizarre behaviour.

"Scuse me, Cariad. I'm going to steal him for a moment."

"Go right ahead." Lily turned around and started a conversation with Marlene McKinnon.

"Something on your mind, Prongs?"

"No, nothing in particular," he lied.

"Sure?"

"Of course,"

"Right then. What do you think Lily would like to drink? I'll go get her one."

"Nothing. She doesn't like alcohol."

"Now I know for a fact that's untrue. We've had wine on more than one occasion."

James's face twitched but after that split second it was gone. Perhaps he wasn't as ok with their past friendship as he thought. Or maybe he just didn't like the idea of Sirius perhaps knowing things about her that made it impossible for James to lie.

James sighed. He knew from the beginning his friend could tell what he had been doing. "Don't make anything of it Padfoot. It's just taking a precaution."

"You should have 'taken precaution' last night," he said censoriously.

"I know that," he hissed. "And keep your voice down. I forgot, alright? It won't happen again."

"She's an innocent thing, James. You should have been the responsible one."

"I know! Alright, I know. I've never forgotten before. And I won't do it again."

"Did you do it on purpose?"

"What? No! Of course not!"

"Come on, how hard is it to pull out your wand? Don't laugh it wasn't a euphemism. I'm not talking about coitus interuptus here."

"I didn't. Do it. On. Purpose."

Sirius squinted at his friend. "Fine. I believe you. But you know it takes time, she should be ok for a glass or two. I hear it takes 2 days."

"2 days for what?"

"For the seed to even reach the womb."

"Get out."

"I speak the truth. You won't be able to tell for a while anyway, no use fretting or in your case wetting yourself in anticipation about it now so just let her have some wine and enjoy herself."

"You seem pretty well acquainted with this kind of situation."

"I've had scares before."

"It's not _that_ scary."

"Maybe not for _you_."

"Drop it, Padfoot."

"Alright," he said patting his friend on the back. "Let's get back in there. Where's Dung! He owes me money. Dung!"

They began walking across the room when he was stopped by a hand on his shoulder. "James..."

"Professor Dumbledore."

"Good evening."

"I take it you saw the Prophet?"

"I did, Alastor, Sirius Black and I discussed some of the options."

"Options, sir?"

"The Daily Prophet isn't a possibility, but there are other publications you might try. Sirius is well acquainted with one."

"Witch Weekly?" James asked sceptically.

"Do you have any better ones? It has a readership just as wide. It's the most popular periodical besides the Daily Prophet itself. Unless you want to wait for next month's _Herbology Today_."

x

"Quite a story, but I must say it still can't compare with the yarn in the Prophet," Marlene said after Lily recounted (an abridged version of) the events in Dover.

"I agree. Sirius is going to use the story line to write a tawdry thriller."

"Actually, it's a gripping romance," Sirius corrected as he came up behind her, draping a casual arm over her shoulders.

"I say, were you eavesdropping, Mr. Black?"

"I heard my name," he said handing her a glass of wine. "And if you were talking about me or my gripping romance I should have a right to hear."

"How can it be a gripping romance if the two main characters coldly murder each other? Sounds more like horror."

Sirius drew his brows together in consideration. He gave up the pursuit and shrugged. "It'll be a mystery too."

"So it's a thriller mystery horror romance? Sirius you can't keep jumping from genre to genre, you need to pick one."

"Life doesn't fit into genres, Cariad. How would you classify your life?"

He had a point. Although the muggle part of Lily wanted to instantly say 'fantasy', but that wasn't exactly a genre in the magical world for obvious reasons.

x

Sirius requested Lily get him another drink from the bar, saying that since she was a bar wench _she_ should be the one to do it. She shrugged. If she were the one getting him a drink then she could control the amount of alcohol in it. She thought Sirius had had just about enough.

She was filling a glass with cider when she felt that wonderful warmth behind her. He pressed into her back as he wrapped his arms around her.

"James, there are people."

"But we are under the mistletoe. We are allowed. No one will care."

"Dumbledore is right there."

"He's a traditional sort of chap. He won't mind."

"There is indeed a tradition attached to mistletoe Miss Evans. And Hagrid informs me you always hold to traditions," said Dumbledore with a twinkle in his eye.

"Professor!"

Lily looked incredulously at the Headmaster. Was he_ encouraging_ him? Lily looked down at her shoes and blushed. Still, she still felt uncomfortable kissing him in front of the entire order.

James sighed and grabbed her hand and began pulling her away. He stopped went back to the table, grabbed the mistletoe, came back, took her hand, and dragged her out of the room.

Sirius let out a 'whoop' and the others laughed, shaking their heads. Only Minerva McGonagall didn't crack a smile.

x

They relocated outside, where it had started to snow lightly.

"Now no one's watching now," he murmured kissing her temple.

"But we can't just disappear together during a party. They would think…"

"And they'd be right…" Her lips tasted like wine, only far more intoxicating. He drank deeply from then, taking in everything he could.

He began to feel that need again, to press into her, trap her between himself and a hard surface. He felt that if he didn't she would float away, disappear, vanish the way all other dream like visions do when you realise they are too good to be true.

He lifted her up off the ground and took a few blind steps until they met the wall. James pressed into her; pressed into her with his mouth, his chest, his pelvis, with everything he had but his hands. They, like his lips and tongue, were too busy drinking it all in.

Once they stopped for a long overdue breath he didn't lessen his pressure against her. He simply broke away from her lips and put his forehead to hers.

"I've been wanting to do that all day…" he confessed with a satisfied exhalation.

"Mmm… you make me happy. Did you know that, James? You always have. I don't know where I'd be if you hadn't invaded my life."

James chuckled. "Invaded? I thought you invited me."

"Did I?"

"Mmhmm."

"When did I do that?"

"Don't you remember? November second, we were outside, talking about filling the void by letting yourself be loved. The way you looked at me…"

"How is that an invitation?"

"Well, it was more of a plea but I answered it all the same."

She brushed the snowflakes from his shoulders and hair. "Should we go back in?"

"Why?"

"Because we came here to see them. It would be rude to show up and ignore everyone but ourselves… however appealing a thought that may be."

"_Appealing_ indeed…" They did a little bit more ignoring however before they went back inside.

"Let go of my hand, people will see."

"I want them to." But no one had taken notice of them return. It seemed most everyone was entranced by Sirius, who appeared to be in the middle of recounting an exciting story with much gusto.

"James."

"Come on, these people are our friends and team mates, we have nothing to hide from them. I'll prove it to you. Professor Dumbledore!"

"James, no. Don't." He didn't let go of her hand. Instead he strode straight up to the headmaster as they were.

"Yes, James?"

"I was just thinking what about a wireless broadcast?"

"An excellent idea."

"Darling, didn't you say something a long time ago about having a friend who works for the WWN?"

Lily nodded dumbly.

"Promising, the more the better. I will leave you to it." Dumbledore started to walk away but he stopped for a moment to turn back to him.

"You do indeed make a very powerful team."

James smiled as he watched the headmaster join his brother. He remembered when Dumbledore said that love was the most powerful weapon and gave Lily's hand an extra squeeze. "See? He's all for us."

"But… how…" her voice slid up in confusion.

"Because Dumbledore is a big softy. It's dear old Minnie we'll have to win over."

James personally couldn't care less about whether people approved or not. He knew that Lily did though; that she was afraid of disappointing people, doing something of which they would disapprove. It was important that at least all of the order accept them. He didn't want Lily to be ashamed of him.

He spotted McGonagall's tall hat over the crowd so he made his way over to her, Lily in tow. She was standing next to Sirius who was continuing with his story.

"I know, I know. And he saw. He assumed the worst and wouldn't listen to me when I tried to explain. Still, he didn't let it show. He wished that we would be happy together and left."

James mouthed to Sirius 'I was going to quit Hogwarts!'

"He was going to quite Hogwarts entirely!" Sirius added enthusiastically. "Thinking that Lily loved _me_."

Lily looked up at James questioningly. He nodded. It had been entirely true. She wrapped her arms around his middle and he put an arm around her shoulder.

"I tried to tell Lily that he didn't mean it but she said she wouldn't believe me. Then, I'm sorry to say I made her cry. Yes, McG, I made her cry. She ran from me pell-mell into the castle. Running to find the only one she felt she could truly count on.

"Potter?"

"That's right, Minnie."

"Then what?"

"I don't know, you'll have to ask them," Sirius replied indicating the pair behind her. McGonagall turned around to face Lily.

"Then you told him?"

"Erm… no, actually. I… erm…"

James took up the story from there. Sirius had clearly almost won the woman entirely over and James wasn't going to waste this opportunity to finish her off. He wanted Minerva on their side.

"Well I had gone to my office to pack but I couldn't finish because I had a Christmas dinner at my mom's. In my haste to depart I accidentally let escape the boggart I keep from my classes.

"I didn't know it was a boggart," Lily broke in. "When I went into your office I thought you really were dead…"

There was a collective gasp from behind them and they turned around to see nearly all the order members listening attentively. James knew when he came in he had been entrancing everyone with a story, but he hadn't realised it had been _their_ story. He only just now made the connection. Alice and Dorcas were blowing their noses and wiping away tears and little Elphias Doge was all misty eyed.

Unable to resist showing off for an audience and be a bit dramatic he concluded, "And that's how I found her when I got back, crying on the found next to my dead body. That's when I knew."

"And then you told her the truth?" Minerva asked.

"Yes." He cleared his throat as he reached for some pumpkin bread off the table and then mumbled so the transfiguration teacher wouldn't hear, "_eventually_."

"Then wot?" shouted Mundungus Fletcher. James was about to take a bite of the bread, but then decided to chuck it at the overly inquisitive man's head instead.

"Then we held hands, Dung."

That seemed to break the weepy silence for several people started laughing and patting him on the back.

x

"And it is all thanks to Sirius Black," said the man himself, proudly putting his fists on his hips. Lily couldn't help but be reminded of Peter Pan yet again. She smiled despite herself.

"Oh, the cleverness of you."

To her delight Sirius crowed proudly, catching the obvious reference.

"Now that _should_ be written," said Marlene to Lily. "That was far better than the Prophet after all."

"Maybe I _should_ write their story…" said Sirius intrigued by the idea.

"Oh no you don't," said Lily firmly. She didn't want a bunch of strangers reading about her private life.

"Well people are reading about you anyway, might as well have them read the truth," Sirius retorted.

"The truth about Christmas Eve, yes. _Not_ one of your tawdry thrillers."

"For the last time, Evans, it's a gripping romance!"

xxx

Half an hour later after the hubbub had diminished and people had stopped asking them questions James leaned over and gave her cheek a peck.

"See? We are a hit. Everyone loves us, even McGonagall."

"Right." Lily was glad, she really was, but she wished it didn't come at the cost of Sirius having told everyone the entirety of their story. Actually, there were still (thankfully) several bits that not even Sirius knew about. The parts that would be truly embarrassing only she and James knew.

Still, she couldn't help feeling slightly humiliated. She felt as she had that day in Defence Against the Dark Arts when James had taught her technique to the rest of the class. She had kept this secret for so long and now it was out in the open for everyone to know. She felt exposed, naked, laid bare for the words to see.

She hid her face in James shoulder. She wanted to disappear. She wanted him to pull his cloak around her so people would stop looking.

James chuckled and put a hand on the back of her head and all of a sudden she felt like she was acting juvenile. She was she realised. She pulled away, not wanting people to think that James was with a child. She wanted to look mature for him. She didn't want to give anyone a reason to disapprove of them.

Despite her efforts when she started yawning people still made jokes, mostly along the lines of "I think it's past her bedtime, James. You should take her home."

Lily did her best not to be offended but she couldn't help it feeling a bit indignant. She hadn't slept more than 5 hours in the past 2 nights combined. She used to go without sleep like that often, but James had forced her to sleep a decent amount almost every night these past few weeks and she had regretfully grown accustomed to it.

Still, she _was_ tired and she _did_ want to go back. They'd have to wait for Hagrid though, and she wasn't going to make people leave before they wanted to.

"You want to go?"

"No."

"Damn, I was hoping you would." He began demonstrating why.

She wondered if James _knew_ that her neck was her weak spot. She melted instantly, rapidly losing all resistance and cognitive abilities. She hoped he wouldn't notice; that he wouldn't exploit this weakness in the future. Needless to say she wasn't sleepy anymore.

"Yes," she sighed. "I want."

"You want to go back?" Not exactly, no. That would take too long and there was some degree urgency here.

"Outside, somewhere, _anywhere_." She felt him smile against her neck.

They leaned against Sirius's motorbike, and even though it was snowing James removed his cloak and flung it over the seat. She dizzily wondered if she could ever get used to this. If kissing him could be a casual thing or if it would hit her like this every time.

x

Somehow they ended up in the side car and she straddled him as she pulled the invisibility cloak out from where he usually had it tucked away. She arched an eyebrow.

"I always like to be prepared," he explained. She grinned impishly and flung it over them before continuing.

A few minutes later she unzipped his pants and James broke away. "No, not here. Sirius would never forgive me."

"Then don't tell him," she said as she took hold of him. James breath caught and then he groaned. Why bother argue such a brilliant point?

x

That had been amazing. Yet again.

Just as the world had dissolved when they began, it began to re-materialise now they were finished and he realised what he had done.

How could he possibly have forgotten _again_? After Sirius had ranted so insistently? What was wrong with him? Was it an odd sort of unconscious possessiveness that drove him to this? Did he want to have a bit of him inside of her? Grow there? Did he think that would make everything more real? Would that force her to stay with him always?

She purred contentedly and he stroked her hair absentmindedly.

_Did_ he do it on purpose?


	46. Mum's the Word

**Chapter 46: Mum's the Word **

"Potter!" Moody barred when the paircame back inside half an hour later.

"Sounds like his official 'work related' snarl," James commented.

"Have fun." Lily scanned the room looking for someone she actually had the energy to talk to and her gaze landed on Remus. He was standing alone by the makeshift bar sipping a glass of amber liquid.

"I heard your story," he said when she approached.

"You and everyone else. Damn Sirius for being an attention seeking dramatist. I didn't exactly want everyone to know…"

"It was a lovely story though."

"Only because he doesn't know or left out the not so lovely bits."

"Such as?"

Lily stalled for a moment, two of the main 'not so lovely' bits involved either her or James being attacked by Remus himself. He didn't seem to be in the best of moods and she thought telling him _that_ would only make him feel worse.

"He stuck a finger down my throat to make me vomit of sea-water." It was the most recent unpleasant thing she could think of.

"Alright, not the most romantic of scenarios I'll give you that, but how many people would actually do that for someone else? It's sweet it it's own, admittedlydisgusting, way."

Lily hadn't thought of it that way before. She had been too busy feeling miserable and humiliated she didn't think of how disgusting it would have been for James. Yet he hadn't complained a bit, he just wiped off his hand and her mouth and carried on. Most people wouldn't have thought to go so far to make her feel better, or if they had they wouldn't have mentioned it or acted on it. Lily was surprised at herself for not having noticed what a rare gesture it had been.

"He yelled at me all the time."

Remus's brow furrowed. "What about?"

"Oh everything. Because I went out on the grounds by myself, because I wasn't sleeping, because I forgot my wand outside, because I let my guard down when duelling, for going to Hogsmeade with you… and countless other things."

"Most of those sound like he was just concerned… _or jealous_."

Looking back she couldn't see how she'd missed it. It was so painfully obvious now. Her denial must have been stronger than she thought if she hadn't been able to see why James didn't want her to meet with Remus, or why he had been so angry Sirius had been there too.

"I've been so blind," she said with a morose kind of humour. "I missed all the signs, didn't appreciate all he did for me."

"I'd say you appreciated it, otherwise you would care for him like you do."

She looked up at him. "How is it that you are so knowledgeable in these things?"

"Certainly not from experience, I can tell you that. Even Wormtail has a better record than I do when it comes to relationships."

"What? Why?"

"Not too many women are into the whole fanged and hairy look," he said as he downed what remained of his glass. He pulled a face that led Lily to believe that it had been quite a strong drink indeed. He set the glass down and filled it again. "They dissapparate the moment I tell them."

"That's terrible. Who would be so unfeeling and shallow?"

"I don't blame them. I'm not a fan of the fangs and fur either." The contents of his glass disappeared with a single gulp and he grabbed the bottle to pour himself another but Lily took his glass away. She knew this was really just to make a point. If he really wanted to drink he could do so directly from the bottle or find another glass.

"Remus, you deserve happiness just as much as the next human being."

"Well I'm not exactly as human as the next human being, now am I? So how could I be equally deserving?"

"Who told you that? You might not be yourself one night a month but for the other 29 days and 28 nights you are. Merlin, women change into raving beasts for _several_ days a month and yet they find happiness."

"Lily, that's entirely different and you know it," he said with the ghost of a smile.

"Well, technically yes, slightly. But the point remains the same."

"Forgive me, but my monthly cycle is a bit more dangerous than yours."

"Remus…"

"Are you forgetting that I _attacked_ you? You know if things didn't happen _exactly_ as they had, if it had been slightly different I could have killed you or turned you into a monster like me!"

"Honestly what will it take to get through to you?" she asked angrily. "Who knows you best? Out of everyone in the world who knows you the best?"

"What does this have to do with anything?"

"Just answer the question."

"Peter, James and Sirius."

"Do they think you are a monster?"

"Lily, they are my friends. They don't see…"

"That you are a monster?"

"Exactly."

"And why would that be?"

"Because…"

"Because they love you, yes?"

"Yes, but I don't deserve friends that love me."

"But why do they?"

"Merlin only knows," he said drooping his head.

"Hey," she said lifting his chin to make him look at her. "They love you _because_ they know you better than anyone else. Especially better than those ignorant ninnies who run away from you. Your friends don't run away because they are some of the lucky few who see who you really are, who see the man behind the monster."

Remus closed his eyes and sighed, shaking his head. "You are too good to see, just like them."

"You just want to believe that because you've already convinced yourself you are undeserving and wicked. Well believe me Remus Lupin I may be young but I've seen my fair of wicked wizards and witches and you aren't one of them. Hell, I've met witches and wizards that aren't even wickedand you are still better than them.In fact you are better than most people I know.Or do you think you are fooling all your friends, and Dumbledore, and Alastor Moody, who is better than any man at finding bad wizards?"

She paused, wondering if she dared say the next bit. The wine in her told her she did so she continued. "Just because you were _bitten_ by an evil werewolf doesn't mean he made _you_ and evil werewolf. _You aren'ta Fenrir Greyback_," she whispered slowly so as to let the meaning sink in.

The moments passed without him saying a word, but his eyes seemed to be a bit watery. She didn't know what she should do, was this the right time for a hug or would that just make things ever more awkward and weepy?

Then it came, a cough, a sniffle, a tear. 'Oh dear, I'm making him start to cry. Quick. Do something, anything."

Out of all the possible courses of action she could have taken she did the weirdest and most unexpected of them all.

She _bit_ him.

Remus was understandably surprised and confused by this but he didn't pry her off. Perhaps he was too stunned. He simply let her hang there, biting his arm just above the wrist before he managed to ask, "Erm… what are you doing?"

"Turning you into a Lily-monster," she replied through a mouth full of fabric.

Remus laughed and all the traces of tears and sorrow disappeared. "You know just now I was asking myself 'who is this woman? Where is that innocent little first year I once knew?' I couldn't find her anywhere in you but I've found her now. Or rather she found me." Lily didn't let go as he lifted his arm to bring her to eye level. "She's attached to my arm."

Lily didn't reply but for blinking owlishly over his sleeve at him, then growling and tugging like a puppy playing tug-of-war.

"You know the food table is just over there if you're hungry," said Peter coming up to them. "No need to take a bite out of poor Mooney. I've tried that already and I can vouch for the superior taste of the mince pies."

"Ooh, pie. Yes, I'll try that, thank you, Peter," she said finally letting go.

She left, thinking she might as well use this exit to inspect what the food table had to offer.

Sirius (who had been secretly eavesdropping ever since he heard his name) followed after her. "May I enquire as to why you bit my friend?" he asked casually, already knowing the reason.

"His sleeve was giving me lip and I don't take lip from anyone, especially from robe sleeves."

Sirius grinned, not at the lame sleeve excuse but because Lily wasn't going to talk about her and Remus's conversation. Sirius approved. She knew when to keep things to herself. In his experience most women lacked that ability.

"Right…"

"Watch it or I'll bit _you_ next," she threatened opening her mouth menacingly. Sirius grabbed a piece of pumpkin bread and shoved it into her mouth.

"Tastes just like Mrs. Potter used to make," Sirius commented.

Lily's eyes widened in horror as she let the tasty morsel she had been chewing fall unbecomingly from her mouth. "James!" she said rushing over to him. "James, how did you get to your mother's house yesterday?"

"I app… _shit_," he said shutting his eyes tightly.

"So odds are they know you're alive now," said Sirius.

James's eyes popped open, just as wide and even more horror struck than Lily's had been.

"Mum! They'll know that's where I went! I have to go..:"

"You can't apparate from here," said Moody. "You'll have to get outside of town first otherwise you'll give away our location."

"Broom!" James shouted. "Someone get me a broom **now**."

"I'm on it," said Fabian. "Come with me, I have some outside."

The two men raced out of the house.

"Oh Sirius go _with_ him!" she pleaded desperately. "He can't go alone! It could be…"

Sirius nodded, reached into his robes, pulled out the mirror, handed it to Lily and then he too disappeared out the door.

Fabian came back inside a moment later. "Looks like the party's over, everyone…."

Everyone but the Prewitts, Moody, and Dumbledore left. Even Lily. Seeing as it was nearing two in the morning and therefore within operating hours of the Knight Bus, that was how Lily took herself home. Her feeble disguise only included a change of hair colour and glasses but it worked well enough to fool the conductor. Even if she hadn't been wearing a disguise he might not have remembered her.

She was sitting on her bed, trying her best not to fall off when she heard Sirius call for her but not using her name of course. It wouldn't have mattered anyway, the only other person on the bus was the conductor, and he was all the way at the front, far out of earshot.

"Cariad?"

"Yes?" she asked anxiously. "What happened?" Sirius shook his head sadly. "Oh no…"

"We are back at the Prewitt's. He's talking to Moody and Dumbledore now."

"How is he?" She couldn't stop a few tears from falling as her throat tightened.

"You'd know better than anyone."

More tears. Yes, she'd lost both parents to death eaters and had been ultimately responsible for it. "What's going to happen now?"

"Everyone will go back to where they belong and move on."

"Sirius!" she sniffed, offended.

"What? That's what has to happen. When people die you grieve an move on so that's what he will do and you are going to help him."

"But how?" she cried. When her parents died nothing comforted her. Hagrid was the only one around and even though he too was an orphan, nothing he said or did helped. She could think of nothing se could do to make him feel better. Sirius didn't answer her question.

"I have to go. Talk soon."

He was gone, which left Lily staring at her own weeping face until the bus can to a screeching halt. Lily tumbled off the bed and rolled to the front of the bus. She ignored the conductor asking "Y'ol roit?" and simply limped off the bus.

Once it had shot off again she changed into a doe and cantered to the castle.

She changed out of her clothes and into pyjamas. She saw her shirt and it's missing buttons with regret. They had been so happy, so content moments before and then… and the… _this. _

She waited at her window watching for him to appear along the hogsmead road. When she saw a lone figure in the distance she ran out through her common room down the flight of stairs and out the main doors. She waited there at the top of the steps for him.

He trudged despondently, dragging his feet. It was several minutes before he looked up and saw her there but his pace didn't quicken, not even slightly. In fact, Lily could have sworn he slowed ever more.

When he finally reached her she extended her hand to him but he didn't take it. Lily fought the natural reaction to be hurt. They walked silently up the staircase.

"Vigilance," James said and stood by to let Lily go in first. When she was in he said, "Good night, Lily," and shut the portrait hole, leaving her alone in the common room. That hint had been a strong one, and she didn't dare go after him.

x

James walked back to his room by himself.

"Wawwwwww, Potty's looking glum!" said Peeves with obvious relish.

"Shut up, Peeves."

"Ooh… testy Potty!"

James roared at the poltergeist. He didn't use any words it was just one long angry continuous sound of rage.

"Eeeeeee!" the ghostly imp cried zooming away.

James was actually glad that Peeves was around in a way. He needed someone to yell at and he couldn't yell at Lily. He could yell at himself, but he would wait until he was in the privacy of his own quarters for that.

James was furious with himself. It was all his fault. He punched the wooden bed post so hard it broke along with one of his knuckles. Good. Pain was good. He deserved pain. What he _didn't_ deserve was to be comforted by Lily. That's what he wanted, to forget the rest of the world in her arms but he had _enjoyed_ her enough last night. In fact he had been _enjoying_ her when his own mother was being killed. The thought of even touching her now would only remind him of his own stupidity, foolishness, selfishness.

He had been so careless. He should have known better than to apparate yesterday but his head had been so full of worries about Lily he hadn't thought about it. He was careless about everything when Lily was concerned, he realised. Careless about everything except Lily herself. Perhaps she was bad for him after all…

The worst part was that he wouldn't end it, even if he knew better. He loved her too much. That and she might be… Damn he had been so careless recently.

He hated himself. He truly did.

What James wanted most in the world at that moment was to be set free from Hogwarts, have his name cleared and be free to fight. In fact he wanted to be face to face with a death eater now, preferably the one who had killed his mother.

He knew he had made a promise not to use an unforgivable ever again, but right then he would break that vow with a passion.

His fault. If he had just stopped a moment to think. If he could have just gotten her out of his head for one second his mother would still be alive. He punched the wall with the same fist and he screamed in pain and anguish. He wanted to do worse to himself, to punish himself for the lapse in judgement that cost him his mother's life.

He didn't. He was thinking clearly now. Hurting himself wouldn't bring her back or make anything better. From now on he would be productive. He didn't need to waste anymore time over Lily, she was his. Without confusion and doubt they didn't need to worry about each other. From now on they wouldn't think of themselves, they would fight together.

He knew that had been her goal all along. She didn't want a happy cosy comfortable life, she wanted a life of fighting. Fighting those who destroyed her family.

Is this what she felt? No, she wasn't responsible for her parents' attack, though knowing Lily she probably blamed herself. He'd have to ask her sometime. Ask her if it ever went away.

He sighed and looked down at his hand; it was a mess of hurt, _just like him_. It would need to be cared for… _just like him_.

What good would torturing himself do but make him more miserable and more useless. He needed to recover as quickly as possible so he could get back in the fight. Once Moody had cleared them with the rest of the ministry there would be nothing to stop him.

He was halfway to Lily's common room before he was aware he was making a conscious effort to go there.

When he entered her common room the fire was ablaze and Lily herself was sitting on the floor in the middle of a pile of books and papers. She had obviously been too busy to hear him enter for she didn't even look up.

He walked over, careful not to step on any of her notes and sat next to her. "What are we working on?"

She jumped slightly but relaxed almost immediately. "What is it that Voldemort wants?" she wondered aloud.

"Pure blood supremacy."

"Second to his own supremacy."

"Right."

"So one would think that whatever he wanted from those mines would have something to do with those ends, yes?"

"Presumably."

"Well, I was researching about goblins, goblin trade, goblin mines, anything that can be done with precious stones. I mean, it has to be one of them, right?"

"Might be."

"Poor Findart… if he hadn't… if we hadn't… No. I'm not going to down that path." She started flipping through pages of a book. "Do goblins make weapons as well as jewellery?"

"No. Well, yes. I mean in medieval times it was said that goblin made swords and shields couldn't be beat. But I don't think Voldemort is after a shield or sword. He might be making a weapon of some kind, but not the kind goblins used to make. Besides, they wouldn't _make_ a weapon at a mine, would they?"

"No. True. Which brings us back to…" she picked up a large volume to her right. "Stones. That's the point of a mine, to find and gather precious stones. But what kind of weapon, if that is what he wants, can be made with stones besides the obvious?"

"Hmm…" James said scooting towards her to peer over her shoulder at the book. This was good. This was productive, moving forward, working. _Doing_ something. For once he was glad Lily was a workaholic. It was exactly what he needed just now. He wasn't ignoring his grief, and it wasn't gone at all, but focusing on something helped.

Half an hour later Lily threw her notes on the floor and the sheets scattered about in all directions. "I need more books! These aren't enough!"

"To the library then."

"But it's closed."

James gave her an incredulous look. _But it's closed?_ What did that have to do with anything?

"Oh, right," she said getting up. "That doesn't matter."

She held her hand to him to help him up and when he reached for hers he realised that his hand was healed. When had she done that?

The restricted section was a creepy place in the broad light of day. In the middle of the night in the dead of winter when you can see your own breath between the stacks, it's downright eerie. They split up to look, making sure to write down what they took and from where so that Madame Pince wouldn't flip her cauldron should she come into her library and find various dark volumes missing.

But they didn't look only in the restricted section. There were various books in the rest of the stacks that looked helpful, such as _Design and Production of Magical Weaponry, an Advanced Guide_, _Gobline Crafte and Excavation_, and_ Unearthing Treasure, a Mine of Information._

Both heavily weighed down with books they trekked back to the common room and spread their materials across every available surface. The chess set was moved away and they engorged the table to increase their workspace.

They worked and studied far past dawn. In fact it was nearing lunch time before James couldn't stop his eyelids from drooping where he sat. He was vaguely aware that Lily was dragging him away from their table and let her de-robe him. They then crawled into bed and if James dreamt he didn't remember.

x

The same could not be said for Lily. She was sitting in class, she didn't know which one, but it was definitely a Hogwarts classroom. When she looked down to her notebook she saw that her belly had swollen enormously; so much that she couldn't even pull her chair into her desk. Her stomach got in the way. It hadn't been that way in the beginning of class…

She looked around to her classmates to see if they had noticed and they all together began to point at her. They weren't ridiculing her, they were scorning her, judging her, they were disgusted with her. They whispered things like "slag" and "easy" under their breath. Someone openly said, "Dumbledore chose _her_ to be Head Girl? Is _that_ what a responsible person does?"

Lily wanted to weep; the only think keeping her from it was knowing that the identity of the father remained a secret.

She was both relieved and horrified to see James walk in the room. He could either defend her bytell everyone to stop talking and get back to studying, or condemn them both by admitting that it was his. She prayed that it would be the former. 'Be a teacher, not my lover. Be my teacher, not my lover.'

James approached as if he didn't even see anyone else and kissed her belly. "What will we name her?"

The class gasped and started whispering things again like "slut" and "pervert professor." James was completely oblivious to their taunts and to Lily's tears. She tried to run away but she couldn't. Something was wrong with her legs, she couldn't make them move. When she tried she only fell over. She was stuck on the ground now, staring at table and chair legs until she turned her face upward. James had disappeared and all her classmates were _looking_ _down_ on her and her misshapenness.

Lily woke with a start, still feeling that heavy weight on her stomach. A searching hand and glance proved it only to be James's head. Her stomach itself was still completely flat.

Still she couldn't help but panic. What if she had gotten the spell wrong? She had never practiced it before, what if it hadn't worked? That would be the worst thing that could happen. She would have to quit school, she wouldn't be able to train to be an auror, she wouldn't be able to fight for the order… she would be stuck in some corner, hiding her shame and swelling belly safely out of harm's way. She wouldn't even be allowed to study and take her NEWTs.

She should have practiced the spell, should have at least done it aloud and with a wand. It would have been much more exact that way. She would ask James to do it from now on, or at least until she was certain she had mastered it.

Not that it would do any good if she were already pregnant. The worst part was that there was nothing she could do but wait, all the panicking and worrying in the world wouldn't change the outcome one way or another.

What should she tell James? How would he react if she were? She decided she wouldn't say anything to him until she knew for certain. There was no use giving him something else to worry about uselessly. She was just being paranoid. It was just a dream. In another few days she would know.

The clock told her it was merelytwo hours after they had fallen asleep. Knowing that in her jittery frame of mind she wouldn't be able to fall asleep naturally again so she opened her wardrobe silently and summoned a sleeping potion. She drank it and tried to banish it back before she fell asleep but with no success. She passed out with the bottle still in her hand.

x

When they both woke that evening they immediately returned to work. James had noticed the potion bottle but decided not to comment for once. If she had trouble sleeping after whatever she had read in those dark books she had been scouring then she was perfectly allowed an aid to help her with a dreamless sleep.

The work was addicting. It was consuming, attention focusing. James imagined he understood how Lily turned out how she did. Working to get past something so as not to dwell on things that ought not be dwelt upon.

It was around nine when the owl's arrived. One was from Moody, the other from Rupert. Lily scanned it but didn't reply, instead she immediately turned to read James's. It was an official statement from the ministry declaring their innocence. There were copies for both Lily and James, but also a personal letter to Witch Weekly and the WWN by Moody, endorsing both of them.

Moody had done his part, now it was up to them to do theirs. James mirrored Sirius, telling him that it was all clear and to try to set him up with and interview and Lily started writing a letter to Weiland Euphrates…

"Seeing as I'm not an auror and had little reason to be out there, should we just leave me out of it?"

"And say I was on my own?"

"Why not?"

"The more we lie the easier it will be for people to find faults in the story and discredit us again."

"So what do you suggest?" she asked sceptically. "Without mentioning the order, I can't think of a single reason I would be in Dover."

"Say that you were helping the Ministry."

"Sounds a bit of a stretch. It needs to be realistic."

"It _is_ realistic. We need to make everyone think we are little heroes. Support us and not the Prophet."

"I don't want to be a celebrity, James."

"Too late. Better a live and loved celebrity then a dead and despised one."

Lily growled. The last thing she wanted was her name thrown about in the same sentences with James. That was a dangerous step. She didn't want the world to associate her with James Potter. But, as he had already pointed out, she already was… as his partner in crime and murderer.

"Who would believe the rubbish in the Prophet anyway?"

"Plenty of people."

"Plenty of eejits."

"Well it's eejits you need to win over so try to be a bit more lovable in your interview."

x

Sirius reported back the next day that Witch Weekly was positively showering him with kisses for giving them such an exclusive.

'What periodical wouldn't want the Recalcitrant Head Girl and Rogue Auror back from the dead for an interview? It's not the truth they care about, it was ratings,' Lily thought bitterly. 'Fine. Use my life to make your money, I don't care.'

James didn't think of it that way. He wasn't taking any of this personally. He knew what had to be done and he was going to do it, even if it meant becoming the media's bitch. They were in the media already, might as well use it, work it to their best advantage. When lifeputs you up on the pillary and is throwing fruit at you, make fruitjuice.

xx

Next day, both Lily and James flooed to Witch Weekly. If the wizards in the _Research Room_ were watching their particular grate at that particular time then they would know Lily wasn't dead either, but they'd know soon enough anyway.

The moment they immerged from the grate, coughing and covered with ash they were veritably attacked by beauticians. Dusting, pricking, pulling and preening.

"What is going on here?" Lily asked, astonished.

"Make-up, Cariad."

"Sirius? What are you doing here?"

"I work here. Well… I pretend to. Really I just laze about and let them take pictures of me when they want."

"Ow! And do they pull at your scalp and put stuff on your face?"

"Of course not. I don't need cosmetics and my hair is perfect. That and I've already been done."

"The interview, Padfoot."

"Oh they'll get around to that. I think."

"You _think_?" asked James, perturbed.

"Don't worry. She'll be here. Glenda has punctuality issues but there isn't anything she wouldn't do to sell more copies of this thing. There is only so much the columnists can go on about hair potions…"

"Sorry, I'm here! They arrive yet?" said a curvaceous middle aged blonde woman weighed down by several parcels and one unbelievably large purse. She piled all these items into an unsuspecting lackey's arms, who collapsed under the sudden weight. She took no notice of the poor assistant's troubles and instead inspected Lily and James. Her face brightened immediately.

"Ooh, marvellous. Quill!" And like that, a large plumed writing implement appeared. It wasn't magic, but the soldier like obedience and rapidity of her staff. "I was afraid he'd have to bring out the war paint."

"I told you they were reasonably handsome," said Sirius chidingly.

"I thought you were lying."

"Would I do such a thing?"

"Yes, Sirius darling, I rather think you might," she said tickling him under the chin with the feather.

"Not on matters as importance as appearance, especially when anyone can tell at a glance whether you've lied or not. I like to get away with my falsehoods."

"I expect you get away with a great many things you oughtn't, Sirius Black. Now, let's get down to business."

"We have signed affidavits from the Ministry that our story is true and we are innocent."

"Yes, that's nice. So, what can you tell me about illicit trading of goblin goods."

"Nothing," James said flatly. "We aren't criminals. We didn't try to kill each other and we didn't kill the goblin."

"But what about Togglepike?"

"Erm… that we did," he replied hesitently.

She began scribbling away but Lily burst out, "Wait a minute before you start writing things! If you bothered to read the affidavit you'd have learned that Togglepike was a death eater and they outnumbered us two to one. Bellatrix Lestrange was the one who killed Findart and it was Lord Voldemort's order that Togglepike attack Potter."

The quill stopped writing at the mention of the actually name of the Dark Lord and Glenda Goodspeed looked up at the pair slowly, then to Sirius for confirmation. He shrugged.

"You have the affidavit," Sirius replied laconically. She finally took the parchment James had been holding out to her and read it, eyes darting back and forth across the page so quickly Lily couldn't believe that she was actually reading. She had, however, evident by her long exhalation when she finished.

"Well," she said finally. "Let's start again, then. So what happened when you saw the dementors…?"

x

The beauticians had stopped their fussing and the lackeys stopped their lackeying. Within the first five minutes everyone in the studio had put down whatever they were doing to listen.

Once it was over everyone had a similar look of shock and fear on their faces. Knowing that the dark lord could watch their movements and know when and what spells they cast had been a frightening eye opener for everyone. The only ones who didn't seem perturbed by this were Lily, James, Sirius, and Glenda, whose expression was that of consideration. Lily could see clearly the battle going on in the woman's mind, weighing the options. She could print everything and make a mint, or she could be discreet and not terrify the entire wizarding world with this news.

"Yes… I'll have to work out the story later. Potter, go to wardrobe, Sirius will show you. Do we have some Hogwarts robes around here, Ted?"

"I think so."

"Bring them." Ted vanished as did James and Sirius, but unlike the two maraudersTed reappeared a few minutes later. Glenda looked furious. "**_Girl's_** robes you lack-witted..." It appeared as if she couldn't think of a good finish for her insult. "Oh just go get girl's robes you fool."

Lily was not at all pleased when she put them on to find the skirt much shorter than they ever would have allowed in the castle, and the shirt only buttoned up just past her bra.

"I'm not doing this," Lily said.

"Beg your pardon?" Glenda asked, but it was obvious she had heard quite well.

"I'm not wearing this. I'm not one of your models, I'm not here to be sexy I came to tell the truth and now I have. I won't have you cheapen my words with silly poses next to... next to…" she tried to think of some magical product she'd seen in advertisements but her mind drew a blank at the moment.

"Me?"

Lily turned around to see James, shirt unbuttoned and scars glamoured away. He looked very fine indeed, which only made Lily angrier.

"Yes. I won't be dressed up a like a school girl tart and pose with my professor for the world to point and judge. They should be paying attention to the story, not my bare legs or hisbare chest. It would make it seem less believable and this needs to be taken seriously. James, look at you. Who is going to bother reading when they can ogle?"

"What fuss are you making now?" Sirius asked as he approached.

"She won't do it. She refuses to do the thing properly. Says it would distract from the message." Glenda said. "Sirius, make her see reason."

"I think she's right," he stated earnestly. "Mate, button up that shirt. Lily, cover yourself with that cloak and take a picture that says you are serious. Glenda you doll them up and people will think this is a stunt."

Glenda looked a bit surprised that Sirius had taken their side, but after a moment she nodded and agreed. "You can get better photos of them later after this issue is out and do whatever you like with them," Sirius added in consolation.

"I wouldn't count on it," Lily said under her breath. She remembered ages ago it seemed, before they had ever properly met. They had discussed Lily being a Witch Weekly model. Now that it seemed an actually possibility the idea had entirely lost its appeal.

x

It was over and finished with one click of the camera. Neither Lily nor James waited around for them to take more. Back at the castle James asked, "So are you pleased with the way it went?"

"I'll answer that question when I see what she writes," she answered darkly. Lily didn't exactly have much faith in the press. She liked the radio better, when she was in control of what people heard.

Later that evening when they were both in her common room Sirius mirrored.

"Evening to you both," he greeted.

"Hey Padfoot."

"Hi Sirius."

"Actually I wanted to talk about New Year's, and whether or not you wanted to celebrate."

"No. It just wouldn't be the same without Moony," James replied.

"I thought perhaps you might life your 'no going out on full moon' rule for just one last time?" Sirius asked.

"Sirius, Hogsmeade is going to be filled with people celebrating. It would be more dangerous than ever," James reasoned.

"Aww, come on, mate."

"You could go somewhere else. Remember that silent and deserted loch we visited that one time?" Lily suggested.

"You don't have teeth or horns to protect yourself. Nor are you small and hard to get a hold of like Wormtail. It would be too dangerous for you to come," James said sternly.

"I didn't say I would go. You four go."

"And leave you alone on New Year's, Cariad?"

"I'm a big girl, I've spent holidays alone before. Besides. This is tradition," she said as if it settled the matter.

x

It had been exactly a week since his mother's death, and now he was standing on a jutting rock with Peter, Remus and Sirius that he had once stood on with Lily.

He had barely touched her that entire week; he still couldn't stop associating touching her with his own dreadful mistake, as if he made love to her again his mother would die again, or something equally disasterous would happen.

They watched the sun set. He had no idea what his friends were thinking but he still couldn't get his mother off his mind. He had spent that entire week working, researching, he had given an interview with both Witch Weekly and the WWN, even asked Dumbledore to let him go in on the next project but it was still there. Would it ever go away?

x

Lily sat in the astronomy tower watching the sunset and she would stay there to watch the first sun rise of the New Year. She felt that they had accomplished a lot that week, and yet even though they had spent every hour together she felt as if they were growing further apart. She had done her best to help James through it but apparently she wasn't doing a very good job. He barely looked at her if he didn't have to. Lily laughed hollowly to herself. Maybe it was a good thing he didn't want to touch her these last three days, she would have had to refuse him.

She touched her slightly aching abdomen. At least that was one less thing she had to worry about. Her cycle had come as scheduled. She wasn't pregnant.

With a small sniff she had to remind herself why that was supposed to be a good thing.


	47. In Which Various Plans are Made

**Chapter 47: **

"Come on, let's get him back. Moony, my place or the shrieking shack?"

"Either," he said weakly but happily. "Any chance you could get Lily around to tuck me in again?" he joked.

Even James grinned slightly for the first time in a week. It had been like 5th year again, exploring an unknown forest with his friends, except this time there was no fear of dark creatures (save Moony of course). It had been invigorating. It had awoken something in him that had gone to sleep, that had hidden itself when his mother had been murdered. Hadn't Lily said before that what all it takes is time, laughter and warmth? Simply letting yourself have a good time...

"Ah yes, she's good at that. She's the mothering type," said Sirius. James grinned stupidly at this statement but with one inconspicuous whack upside the back of the head from Sirius, James had his face mostly under control. Now Sirius was the one grinning like a fool which made James break as well.

"Why are you two grinning like twin morons?" Peter asked.

"Honestly, are we back in school where we joke about girls?" said Remus rolling his eyes, which was just about all the movement for which he had the energy.

"Come on Moony, let's get you back to the shrieking shack," said James, ignoring the teasing comments.

x

Lily was just about to go back to her room and go to bed when she saw something move in her peripheral vision. Actually she didn't see something move, but _stop_ moving, which caught her attention. The Whomping Willow was stock still; someone must have stopped it. She squinted down at the base of the tree. From this distance she couldn't see the face with clarity, only that the hair was dark, but she recognised James by the way he moved.

With a sigh that quickly transformed itself into a tired yawn she went back down through the trap door and started on her course to her common room. She met him on the third floor landing. When he saw her he smiled. He actually _smiled_. Lily couldn't help but return the grin.

"Where have you been?" he asked taking her hand and leading her down the stairs.

"Astonomy Tower."

"All this time?"

"Lots to think about. And I wanted to see the first sunrise. How's Remus? How was the jaunt?"

"Excellent, excellent. Moony's completely drained but we came away unscathed. Well, Peter got trod on once, but that happens every now and then, he's so small. It was only Padfoot's soft paw rather than say one of my hoofs, so there was no harm done."

He was positively beaming now. What had happened? Why the sudden transformation? Lily could only assume it was having a good time with his friends. She was glad for James he was doing better, she truly was. She just wished she could have been the one to bring him back up.

"Where are we going?" she asked as he led her past the portrait hole to her common room.

"To the shack of course. They're waiting for you."

They were waiting for her? Whatever for?

x

"Remus you don't look pitiful enough. Act like you are inpain."

"I _am_ in pain."

"Well then act like it!"

Remus groaned in exasperation with Sirius's demands. Sirius took this groan to be an attempt to comply to his order and nodded approvingly.

"I hear them coming," said Wormtail.

The moment James and Lily entered Sirius shouted "Happy New Year, Cariad!"

"Happy New Year, everyone," she responded.

"Let all acquaintance..." Sirius began to sing, but Remus groaned again.

"Please, Padfoot. Have a care for my aching head."

Just as predicted Lily swooped in, showering Remus with care and attention. She healed what few scratches he had and tucked him in neatly. Sitting on the bed beside him she began massaging his temple as she mumbled a headache healing charm under her breath.

"She doesn't disappoint, does she?" Sirius whispered to the other two marauders, who like Sirius were watching the scene with silly grins. "Told you. She just can't resist taking care of people."

"Sorry, I didn't bring a sleeping potion," she said apologetically.

"I don't need one. Or won't if Sirius can keep it down."

Lily turned to give Sirius a'you **will** keep it down,' look.

"I'll be as silent as the grave," he promised quietly.

"Now that's better," said Remus contentedly. "If there is some trick you know to get Sirius to behave I do wish you'd let me in on it."

"Sirius does what he likes, I don't think I have anymore influence over him than you do. Did you think of a New Year's resolution?" she asked.

"Not yet, I'll think of one though. Just need to..." he yawned. "Sleep on it."

This made Lily yawn too and she curled up in a ball next to him.

"Lils, are you going to sleep?" James asked.

"Yes."

"But you just got here," Sirius complained.

"But I'm tired."

"Oh let her sleep," mumbled Remus.

"Right, well I have a Flutterby bush that needs watering so..."

"Wormtail, that was the lamest excuse to leave I ever heard," Sirius declared.

"Fine, I'm going home to take a wee and go to beddy bye too. I'm a growing boy who needs his 8 hours."

"Ah, sleep. A noble reason. Very well, go in peace, friend. May you dream of very shapely and very _easy_ women," Sirius dismissed with an imperial wave of his hand.

Once Wormtail had disapparated Sirius chuckled and shook his head. "Great guy, Wormtail. I think he might be the only one of us who is truly sane."

"Possibly."

"Fancy a run to the kitchens since Morpheus has claimed the others?"

"I could devour a hippogriff."

"I hear they taste like chicken," Sirius said as they walked out of the room.

"From whom?" James asked skeptically.

"That's just what people say," Sirius said shrugging defensively.

"I think that's just what _you_ say."

"It's possible. I am people."

When they were in the kitchens Poppy greeted them both nervously.

"Morning Poppy," James returned. "Something the matter?"

The house elf began twisting her Hogwarts toga-like uniform in her little hands. "Is Miss Lily not coming?"

"Not this morning, though if you want to make some food for me to take back for her I'm sure she would appreciate it."

The house elf nodded and dashed off, bringing back the usual basket of food minutes later. She handed it to James and promptly began twisting her sheet again.

"Are you sure you are alright, Poppy?"

"Do you know when Miss Lily will come next?"

"Would you like me to tell her you want to see her?"

"Oh, no sir. That would not be a house elf's place, sir."

"I'll bring her by this afternoon. That alright?"

The house elf beamed."Poppy is always pleased to see both you and Miss Lily, sir."

"Very well. Until then. Thanks Poppy."

She bowed happily again and Sirius and James left the kitchens.

"Weird little thing. What does the thing want with Lily?" Sirius asked.

"Who knows. I just thinkshe likes her."

"Well it certainly abases itself in the most appalling fashion," said Sirius contemptuously. "Honestly, what kind of house elf makes a request like that?"

"Poppy is special to Lily. She doesn't see house elves as house elves."

"I've noticed that. She seems overly concerned for the feelings she imagines they have."

"They have feelings, Padfoot. You saw Poppy just now. She was nervous and excited."

"That's how house elves always are."

"You may be right."

They sat down on the front steps and began taking bits from the basket and munching. "So you alright, mate?" Sirius asked randomly.

"Yeah, why?"

"Just asking." There was a few minutes of silence as they ate before Sirius started speaking again. "You know she might not be."

"I know that."

"And if not?"

"Then she's not," he said shrugging indifferently.

"Prongs..."

"I really wouldn't care either way. Honestly. If she is we will deal with it. If she isn't, then..."

"Then what?"

"Well... it's not like it's a once in a lifetime opportunity, is it? There's always later."

"So you do want one."

James put his hands behind his head and leaned back against the steps. "Someday, yeah, of course. Whether that day is sooner or later doesn't matter to me. What's going to happen will happen."

x

Despite James's silent footsteps and Sirius's attempted tip toeing, Lily still woke up when they re-entered the room who knows how much later.

James covered her with his cloak and whispered to Sirius, "But Benjiy is getting on in years. What about Marlene?"

"A woman?"

"Yes, Sirius. A woman. And she's a damned better choice than Mundungus Fletcher!" he hissed.

"I like Dung," said Sirius, and although Lily couldn't see him through her closed eyelids she could tell by the tilt in his voice that he had shrugged his shoulders characteristically.

"No. If you won't let us take _Peter _then we certainly aren't taking Dung," said James bitterly. "Why not Pete, anyway?"

"I love Pete, you know I do, but he isn't exactly the most capable of wizards."

"Oh and Mundungus is? At least Wormtail is sober!"

"Hey, Dung can do some pretty impressive magic when needs be. No one as detestable as Dung can live as long as he has with the number of enemies he has without knowing a thing or two."

"Not. Dung."

"Fine."

"So Marlene, then?"

"Prongs, if we are going to use a woman then we might as well use Lily. Despite her age she's one of the most powerful witches in the order and she's a lot hardier than Minerva."

"No."

"Why?"

"You know why."

"Remind me."

"I told you what Dumbeldore said."

"About having put Lily through too much too quickly? Come on James, do you hear her complaining?"

"No, of course not and that's the trouble. Risking her life every week isn't doing her or that death curse of hers any good."

"Oh… _that,_" Sirius said darkly.

"Yeah. _That_. We are afraid that with each life or death situation she gets into that curse gains ground, gets a stronger purchase on her soul." James sighed and Lily felt him stroke the back of her head softly. He stopped a moment later and crossed the room to return to Sirius and continued in an even more hushed whisper, "I haven't told anyone this but Dumbledore says that the curse was partially successful and there is a part of lily that _wants_ to complete her death."

"I know that."

"He told you?" James asked disbelievingly.

"No. _She_ did. First time we met face to face. I remember it better than I wish I did. Her voice was so set and empty. Still gives me chills when I think about it."

"What did she say?"

"That it might just be the necklace talking, but she thought her purpose in life was to die."

"She _said_ that?"

"Most sincerely."

It was silent for a long time and Lily wished she could see their facial expressions.

"And dementors affect her the same way, if not worse. So there's another reason she can't come."

"You can't keep her from fighting indefinitely. She was made for this, no point in denying it."

"I know, and that's what worries me…"

"And yet another reason you wouldn't mind if she were."

James sighed. "So Benjy Fenwick?"

Sirius must have nodded or made some kind of sign of affirmation. "I'll see you later." Lily could tell by the pop that he had disapparated. James placed something (food, by the smell of it) on the bedside table, kissed her head and left.

Once she was certain he was gone she let out a sigh. "So how much of that did you hear?" she asked forlornly.

"All of it," Remus replied.

x

Lily's mind was working as she made her way back to the castle by way of the secret passage. After talking to Remus for a few hours about everything they had overheard Lily still hadn't reached any conclusions.

'They mean to go back to Dover without me,' she thought. It didn't upset her. In fact she thought it was an excellent idea. She only wondered if they intended on telling her, or if they would keep it secret to try to keep her out of it.

She wanted to go with them. The mines were a very important project to her, she had researched so much, it was something she alone had started investigating. It seemed unfair to keep her out of it.

She couldn't, however, deny that James had a point. She could feel it spread ever so slightly. First in Azkaban, then again with the dementors in Dover… then the cruciatus curse when she had been _begging_ to die she could feel the curse sink in deeper. James seemed to think that given time away from darkness she would recover, regain her own soul; pull some of it back from the curse.

He might be right, she didn't know. She didn't know how the curse would act, she could only tell when it did. She stopped walking for a moment and sat down in the middle of the passage and meditated. This was the perfect place for it, silent, no one else around, and completely dark.

It was whispering to her still, in a language she didn't speak but she could perfectly understand. It was wooing her, trying to seduce her away from life. It wasn't…_evil_ though. She couldn't quite describe it. It wasn't exactly telling her to jump off the nearest turret and kill herself. It was almost… reassuring. Telling her it was alright to die. She wondered if it kept up the constant whispering throughout the day or only when she paid attention to it.

Nevertheless it wasn't strong at all right now when she was awake and healthy. She wondered how different things might be if she ever fell deathly ill again like she had in St. Mungo's. If she were in the darkness again and heard nothing but that whisper, telling her it was alright to let go. If James weren't there to bring her back would she succumb to that darkness in her soul?

She still believed what she told Sirius that night in the astronomy tower. She _did_ feel like her purpose in life was to die. Somehow, she knew her death would in some way, effect good. Maybe not her death, but she knew she would die for something wonderful. She would die fighting. In her mind, there was no other way to do it.

She was brought painfully back to reality when someone tripped headlong over her. "Ow, James you alright?"

"What on earth are you doing sitting in the middle of a dark passage for people to trip over you?"

"I was… thinking."

"Thinking so hard you couldn't hear me? Warn me that you were in the way?"

"Yes, actually," she said feeling around trying to sort out just what exactly was the situation. If she was any judge of anatomy, James's hip was against her cheek, and it was probably his knee that was jabbing painfully into her abdomen. "You know if you would light a wand you would be able to see obstacles in your path. Could you move your knee please? It's hurting."

James did an awkward sort of push up and began to crawl back a bit before settling himself on her again, but much more comfortably this time. Even if they still slightly ached from the impact at least now they were aligned and nothing was jabbing painfully into anything else.

Lily had missed this. Well, not injuring each other in a dark confined space but the closeness that had resulted from the incident. They were back to normal at least, because he didn't seem to pull away from her touch. Quite the contrary, he could have gotten off of her completely but instead he had just readjusted himself.

"They must have been interesting. A sickle for your thoughts then?"

Lily didn't want to disappoint him, but she didn't want to tell him the truth either. Not only would it reveal that she had been eavesdropping before, but it would make him worry unnecessarily.

"I want you to be happy," she told him.

"I am happy. You make me incredibly happy. I might not have shown it this past week but believe me, if you hadn't been there working beside me, I wouldn't be where I am now."

"And where are you now?"

"Quite cosily settled in a secret passage with my lady love. Is that really what you were thinking?"

"Not exactly, no. But it would be a pity to bring me back to those reflections. You've so pleasantly distracted me."

"Yes, I hear that from all the women I trip over."

"And you are happy?"

"Very."

"Good."

"What about your _own_ happiness."

"I'll be happy if everyone else is happy."

"That's quite a large number of people to please."

"And by everyone I mean you, Sirius, Rupert, Remus, Peter, Hagrid… _Petunia and Vernon_."

"Why not see your sister, hmm?" he asked softly putting his hand on the side of her face. She knew he couldn't actually see her, but it still gave the impression that he was looking in her eyes. "Give her a belated Christmas gift."

"She doesn't want me there."

"I'm sure she does. She visited you in St. Mungo's; she still cares."

"But…"

He kissed her forehead. "Think about it. Family is important."

"I don't want to put her in any danger. The further she is from me the safer."

"Now that just sounds like cowardice. You want to see her, don't deny it. We can fly in and out undetected, you know who will never know. We won't use any magic. There will be no trace that we were ever there."

"Could we really?"

"Of course we could."

Lily sighed. To see Petunia again could be wonderful, could fix the last little bit of her life that was actually fixable. Or it could end horribly. Petunia might yell at her, tell her she hated her and kick her out of her house. That frightened her more than anything. Yes, Petunia had visited her in St. Mungo's, and that potion had been effective when she drank it, but things change. Perhaps now, without her near death to soften her, Petunia had grown cold to her again.

"Tomorrow?"

"Very well. Tomorrow it shall be."

"Were you coming to get me?"

"Yes, actually. Moony still sleeping?"

"No, he's gone."

"Oh. Well actually I promised Poppy I'd bring you in this afternoon, so I've come to take you to the kitchens."

"What did she want?"

"She wouldn't say."

x

When they arrived in the kitchens later she didn't even need to call the house elf. She appeared immediately.

"Hi Poppy."

"Can Poppy get miss anything?"

"No, thank you, Poppy. Is there something you wanted?"

Poppy began gripping her toga with her little elf hands again. "Poppy was wondering…"

"Go on, wondering what?" she encouraged sweetly.

"Miss once said that if there was anything she could do for Poppy to ask."

"I meant it. Is there anything I can do?"

"Erm… tis Poppy's birthday day after tomorrow and Poppy was wondering if you would join… join…"

"Are you having a birthday party?" she enquired. The elf nodded. "We would be delighted to come. When?"

"After the dinner has been made and eaten, and the dishes cleaned and put away, miss."

"We will be here."

"Is Lettie here now too, Poppy?" James asked, preventing the elf from having an embarrassing emotional outburst.

"Oh yes sir. She came here to continue serving Master Potter, sir."

James nodded. "Right. Well, we'll see you later then, shall we?"

x

"She could have told me that when I spoke to her earlier," said James later when they were walking back to her common room.

"Yes, but _you_ didn't offer, I did. That would make all the difference to a house elf. Vigilance."

Lily wondered for a moment if she had walked into the owlery instead, for more than a dozen owls were perched around her room. The number of birds however, paled in comparison to the number of letters that were scattered everywhere. There must have been 70.

The issue of Witch Weekly had come out the same day they gave their interview at the WWN, and now it seemed they had their response.

James picked up one at random and opened it carefully. "It's safe," he declared. "I never liked the Prophet, and good for you to take a stand. Gloria Gibbons."

"Heard you on the WWN and just wanted to say you did a bang up job. Candace Dickens."

"I sent the prophet a curse in the post. How they could say such dreadful things about such a dear? They deserve every curse they can get. I'm sending another as soon as I finish this one. Yours, Kitty Harding."

"Are they all nice?" Lily asked.

"Only one way to find out."

"You honestly intend to sort through them all?"

"Maybe not, but these dozen birds that haven't left yet you might want to read. Looks like they want a reply."

One owl was from Glenda Goodspeed, giving her a copy of Witch Weekly and wondering if they would be willing to come back and do a proper photo shoot some time.

Lily scribbled a quick reply, saying they are rather busy at the moment but they will keep her in mind. The next three owls were from classmates who had read Witch Weekly and were full of more questions. Lily sent these birds home with an unfeeling "We'll talk in school" in response.

The next owl, however, seemed to be a bit more important.

_Lily, _

_We were up to our ears in owls after your interview. People all over the country are asking to have you both back on. We've had several hundred requests. People want to hear the truth, they want to know what you-know-who is doing and what's being done to stop him. I've even received a few asking where they can sign up. And I won't conceal my own opinion, Lily I think you're fantastic. How did such a little girl get such a big job? Oh I know what you'll say, you aren't a little girl and of course you're right. Still, it's not every day a Hogwarts student gets to help the ministry. _

_They are thinking of giving you (or at least someone who knows what is going on) a regular spot. As I said, it's important what you have to say and worth hearing. _

_Are you still single? Perhaps we could meet for dinner some night and discuss it. _

_Yours, Weiland _

_P.S. Owl me back quick as you can, the manager wants to start soon as can be. _

Lily showed the letter to James who read it.

"I think it's a great idea. As you said the not knowing can be more frightening than the truth. I don't know if you or I could, but the order or the ministry should send somebody."

"So I can meet him for dinner?"

"I think it's an excellent idea."

"You do?"

"What? Is this the part where I'm supposed to get jealous and tell you no? Well not only will I let you go but if he manages to woo you away from me over one meal I will shake his hand and give him 100 galleons."

"James," she said trying to sound displeased.

"Lily, it took _me_ two months to get you. If someone can manage it in two hours he probably deserves you. But of course I wouldn't be saying this if I thought it even remotely likely." He kissed her on the cheek. "Probably should go to Dumbledore though, ask him who he thinks would be a good choice."

"Alright, will you deal with the other owls?"

"Consider them dealt with."

x

"Ah, Lily. I'm glad you are here. I had something to run by you," said Dumbledore when she entered his office a few minutes later.

"And I you."

"Then we are well met. Please, ladies first."

She told him about Weiland's owl, and the idea of a regular spot on the WWN to counteract the tosh the Prohet spewed every day.

"I don't think I would be the best choice, but surely you or Moody could think of someone more suitable?"

"I will discuss it with Alastor, in the meantime you may tell Mr. Euphrates, yes. We will let him know when we've chosen someone."

"Thank you, Professor. What is it you wanted to tell me?"

"The Head Boy, Adam Spinnet, has informed me he won't be coming back to Hogwarts after the holidays. I was wondering if you had any suggestions on who the next one should be."

"Perhaps instead of electing another one you could make an announcement saying that we are looking for a new head boy. That way you won't be putting and unsuspecting burden on anyone, and someone you didn't expect might rise to the challenge."

"An excellent suggestion, Miss Evans.Truth be told, several students have written saying they will not be returning and I worry for the school's moral. Minerva and I discussed perhaps a social event is in order."

"A social event, sir?"

"A ball, Miss Evans, or some such frivolity. Something to give the students something to be excited about. Something that they can giggle and gossip about with their friends."

"Sounds like an excellent idea, sir."

"Can I trust you to make the arrangements? The Head Boy will help you as soon as we find one."

"You can count on me," she said with a smile. A dance. What a perfectly innocent diversion for everyone. They deserve to have fun. Dumbledore and McGonagall were absolutely right, it was just what the school needed.

A dance didn't sound _that_ difficult to plan. It might be a nice distraction for her spare time. Take a break from goblins and mines to plan a simple little school function like this.

x

James read through the remainder of the owls which were from classmates and James shooed the birds away. He began picking through the letters and owl droppings and read them. They were all mostly along the lines of "great job, keep it up." One however, was rather different. It wasn't exactly encouraging fan mail but nor was it hate mail. He didn't know what to do with it.

**_You should have stayed 'dead.' You were safer that way. They won't be happy about this. _**

**_S _**

He shoved it in his pocket. It had, of course, already occurred to James that the Prophet and the Death Eaters wouldn't like their little rebuttal; they didn't need to be told by some random letter writer that wouldn't even sign their name to tell them that. He didn't want Lily to think of it as a threat.

"Anything interesting?" Lily asked when she returned.

"That depends on how interesting you find owl droppings."

"Ick."

"Then no. Nothing new here. What shall we do, feed all this loving encouragement to the fire?"

"I don't want to appear ungracious but…"

"In they go, then."

After all the letters had been cleared away James yawned ostentatiously. "Right, well I'm taking a nap."

"Alright."

"You… aren't coming?"

"I have to reply to Weiland's letter."

"Surely that won't take long."

"No but…"

"Good," he interrupted and left the room. That was his way of having the final word on the matter.

Lily sighed. She needn't be embarrassed about it; it would have to be something they dealt with every month. She might as well get used to it.

She replied the way Dumbledore had instructed her to and sent it along.

When she came to bed she said "goodnight," immediately.

James pulled her into him, a hand found its way under her shirt and rested on her stomach as he began kissing her neck.

Lily laughed a bit. "Not today, James."

"What?"

"Not tomorrow either."

"Why not?"

"If you had bothered to try these past three days I would have told you no as well."

"Oh?" he asked inquisitively. "Oh……." he said in final understanding, and then another sad sort of "oh," that Lily couldn't quite understand.Was it _disappointment?_

"I'm sorry," she said.

"No, it's not that."

"Then what is it?"

"I just thought you might be…"

"What?" she asked although she thought she knew.

"Oh, nothing. It would have just been a nice excuse to propose."

Lily's eyes grew wide. "James are you...?"

"No. I'm not. I'm going to wait and ask when you least expect it."

"But you _are_ going to ask me?"

He grinned and kissed her. "Yes."


	48. In Which There Are Two Reunions

**Chapter 48: **

With the possibility of dalliance gone, James fell immediately to sleep leaving Lily finally alone with her thoughts. She knew exactly what she was going to give Petunia but she would have to prepare more. James had drunk the remaining bit she had when he was attacked by Remus last full moon.

She eased herself from her bed, not that she was really afraid of waking him. She grabbed the last of the whisky from her personal store and put more ingredients into her cauldron.

"Knife... knife..." she muttered to herself looking around but not succeeding in locating one. Oh well, there would be knives for chopping and slicing ingredients in the dungeons, which was precisely where she was going. Even though James was asleep she didn't feel comfortable brewing it with him so near. It didn't take long to make, but he _might_ wake up and then where would she be? In a whole lot of trouble... yet again.

She would like to put that fight off indefinitely if it was possible. She didn't imagine it would be a pretty one. Well, fights never are but that one had the potential to be particularly nasty.

As she walked down to the dungeons she thought sadly of how much she was still keeping from him.

She approached the dungeon in which she had first found the vanishing cabinet but she passed it by, deciding she would simply use the potions classroom seeing as ingredients and equipment were already supplied and it was free of any haunting memories.

The dungeons were almost completely dark when the torches weren't lit, and had it been a regular school day she wouldn't have noticed it at all, but because it was the only light whatsoever coming from the dark stone chamber, the glowing red embers immediately caught her eye.

As her pupils dilated she started to be able to see her way to the cauldron currently in use. The contents, what appeared to be at the moment think brown sludge, didn't seem to move but for a single bubble that would grow and grow until it had reached its limit and would silently pop before another would start growing in its place. She watched it for a few moments, trying to determine what potion it could be but she gave up and returned to the other side of the room where she would find the supplies she needed.

She was polishing a freshly cleaned knife when she froze, listening attentively to the sound of approaching footsteps. A man's footsteps she had no doubt. No woman worthy of the title lumbered so heavily like that.

'Keep walking, whoever you are,' she thought. 'Whatever business you have in the dungeons go to it just don't come in here.'

But of course she wouldn't be so lucky. As accustomed to the darkness as she had become the sudden lighting of the torches caused her to squint and shy away.

"Miss Evans?!"

"Good afternoon, Professor Slughorn."

They stood there silently or a moment, sizing each other up like two strange cats meeting for the first time. Lily knew how mad she must look, standing in a dark dungeon all on her own clutching a knife in one hand and a wand in the other.

"Is that yours then?" she asked pointing her wand to the cauldron barely boiling in the corner.

"Oh, erm… yes." He seemed to recover his composure then and asked more forcefully. "Miss Evans, what are you doing here?"

"Brewing."

"In the dark?"

"I was about to light a fire," she replied; only now lowering the knife to the table. "What is that one? I don't recognise it."

"Oh that," he said trying to wave it away as if it were nothing. "Just an order for an acquaintance of mine. An old friend who works in the ministry."

Lily didn't exactly trust the ministry at that juncture in time, but perhaps Slughorn was really brewing it for himself as his behaviour suggested. Sluggy loved name dropping, and the fact he hadn't identified this 'old friend' either meant that there was no such person (or at least the potion wasn't meant for that person) or his 'old friend' really existed and was keeping him and the fact he was brewing this potion for him a secret.

Either way he was concealing something. But then again, so was she…

She decided it would be best to change the topic all together. If she persisted in asking about his he might defensively do the same to her. "Oh. And have you been enjoying your holidays?" she asked conversationally, grabbing several harmless potion ingredients (that she didn't need) from the student cupboard.

"Yes yes. Quite pleasant. And what about you?"

"Oh fine."

"I meant what are you brewing?"

"I haven't decided yet," she lied. "I just knew I wanted to brew. There is just something about potion making that's so calming, you know? Oh of course you do." Slughorn beamed so she continued. "Preparing ingredients, putting them together so exactly and artfully so that you create something wonderful from mere bits of meaningless things. Extraordinary."

"It most certainly is. You know Miss Evans, it really is such a treat for a teacher to have a student who truly understands and appreciates their subject. You are the cleverest witch at Potions that I've taught in decades."

"Why thank you, professor. I certainly do enjoy it."

The potion's master, she noticed, must have been waiting for an exact time because he was quiet for several seconds and Lily saw his lips move in a silent countdown as he stared at his watch. She read his lips and saw the telltale 'three, two, one,' excited to see what would happen. To her disappointment he only stirred it one time counter clockwise before returning his watch to his pocket. The silver chain glittered and Lily wondered if she might have a weakness for shiny things after all.

He bade her a good afternoon and headed toward the door.

She wasn't sad to see him go, on the contrary, after his departure she let out a breath she hadn't even known she had been holding.

"Now if I could just have one hour free of interruption that would be nice," she commented aloud, hoping the Fates heard her.

x

The silver eyed Scotsman, despite his appearance, could move quite quickly when he wanted to; and at that precise moment, he most _definitely_ wanted to.

He couldn't apparate because then they could tell where and who he was so he made his escape the old fashioned way.

Clutching the stolen chest tightly to him, Sirius Black sprinted down the crowded lane, weaving through people as he went, trying but not entirely succeeding to not run into them.

His heart was pounding from the exertion and the excitement. He didn't even look back, he merely hoped Mundungus was close behind him.

Dodging into a narrow alley he leaned against the wall hastily removing his guise as he tried to catch his breath. He was grinning madly, and when Mundungus appeared a moment later, dishevelled and out of breath, Sirius burst out into manic triumphant laughter.

"You're… barkin… mad," said Mundungus between pants. "That's what you are."

"What a splendid pile-up," Sirius said proudly. "Did you see his face? I'll never forget how he flailed as he fell. Literally head over heels. Priceless."

"No, I didn't see. I was a bit busy dodging the curses the rest of them were throwing."

"Aww… pity you missed it," he replied, completely unaffected by the glare Mundungus was sporting. "Well, make yourself decent, Dung. Or as decent as you can manage. It's back out into the throngs for us."

Sirius transfigured the chest into a briefcase/satchel while his companion resumed his normal appearance. They both exited the alley, casual a can be and strolled down the lane in the direction from which they came, passing the angry men from whom they had stolen. They didn't give either of them a second glance and Sirius grinned to himself.

"So, what is this anyway?" Sirius asked once they were safely tucked away in some obscure pub in muggle London. The chest was now a chest again, and Sirius undid the latch.

"That there is wot dreams are made of," he replied greedily as Sirius opened the container.

Sirius had never seen dreams before and he did nothing but look for several moments, entranced. They very much reminded him of memories in a pensieve, except they were colourful instead of silver and seemed to squirm rather than swirl.

A violently pink one cracked and flung itself upward much like a fish trying to leap from its bowl.

"Ooh, that's bound to be a _really_ good dream," said Dung covetously. Sirius would have thought that dreams would be more ethereal in appearance, like memories. But, he reflected, dreams were erratic, erotic even, they broke off and began without any warning, sometimes they didn't make sense at all. No, they wouldn't run smoothly as an actually memory would.

"Want one?" Mundungus asked snatching up a vibrant green one from the lot.

"No!" said Sirius adamantly, both offended and afraid. He added in an irate whisper, "_I don't dream dabble_,. It's dangerous, Dung."

"Pshaw. No harm in it," Dung said confidently, as if he had been doing it for years. In fact, Sirius rather suspected that he _had_.

"Dumbledore wants these. He won't be best pleased if you go dabbling with them all."

"He doesn't know how many there are. Won't notice one or two gone missing. Besides, if Dumbledore can have them then so can I."

"Dumbledore," Sirius began fiercely, snapping the case closed, "wouldn't dabble! There are several uses for dreams. Good uses. Dreams are made of hope, which can be a very powerful tool when put to good use. What you're doing is dream abuse. Getting high off stolen hope."

"I'm not _abusin_ it I'm _enjoyin_ it."

"Yeah, like all the other fools who waste away in the dream dens and are so far gone they don't even know what reality is anymore!"

"I'm not a denner, alright? Calm down it's just the one."

"It's not healthy to have dreams that aren't your own in your head. It confuses the soul, makes you forget who you are and what _you_ want."

"Naw… they just say that in the adverts. A little DD never hurt anyone. Besides, look at how high quality they are. It would be a shame not to try one." He pulled a dream pipe out of his pocket and fixed it into his ear. Sirius's impression that Dung was a habitual user was confirmed. Mundungus straightened out the green thread and fixed it into the pipe. Once secured he began turning the small crank on the side and the green thread began to shorten and shorten as it was inserted directly into Mundungus's head. Dung smiled dreamily as he removed the pipe from his ear and said "Nighty night," before passing out completely right there at the table.

Sirius's lip curled in disgust as he left. He wasn't going to stay and wait for Dung to come out of his dream induced stupor, who knew when that would be.

As he strode towards his motorbike the hand that held the dreams began to shake. "No," he told himself firmly. He would have been lying if he said he wasn't tempted. He was. How could he not be? He could leave this dark and unhappy place for a warner and better one, perhaps one where he was actually loved. But Sirius Black knew better. It might be nicer for a bit but then he'd wake up colder and more miserable than before, wanting to retreat back into the dream world again.

He knew he had an addictive personality, he was already an adrenaline junkie, addicted to danger and women, he didn't want to add dreams to the list. '_It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live_,' he reminded himself. He had his own dreams. They might not be as nice but they were his, his own. He didn't need to steal hope from other people.

Yes, it was the 70s and for the past two decades dream dabbling had almost become socially, well maybe not _acceptable_ but certainly understandable. The rise of the dark lord caused many people to retreat to the dens where they could escape from the harshness of reality indefinitely.

He had heard stories of wizards tripping on "bad dreams." Some nightmares squirmed and pulsed with colourful life just like good dreams and it was very difficult to truly tell them apart. There had been horror stories about people who tripped on a bad dream and never woke up again. They just writhed and screamed in nightmarish misery for the rest of their lives, not that they lived for very long after that.

His grip grew stronger and steps more confident as temptation melted away. He loved taking risks but not like this. There was nothing dashing about dream dabbling. Now robbing from illegal dream dealers for the order… _that_ was how Sirius Black got his kicks. He wouldn't debase himself by passing out in a public house. He would do it with dignity and flare… the way he did everything.

x

When James awoke from his bad dream he reached instinctively for Lily only to find she wasn't there. He really didn't like waking up with her gone. Every time he did he felt his heart sink. He was hanging on by a thread. His jaunt with the marauders had brought him to smile, but it was Lily and her constant comforting presence that had been keeping him from breaking down completely.

You never really notice how much you need something until it's gone. Well, James always knew that he needed her but that didn't stop him from painfully feeling her absence now.

He glanced at the clock whose ticking somehow seemed to grow louder and louder in the silence of the room. Dinner time. She was probably in the kitchens or the Great Hall. At least, he hoped she was.

He found her in the Great Hall as he suspected, but she wasn't eating as he hoped. She was talking, and everyone at the table, the three students, the teachers, the headmaster himself and even Sirius was listening attentively.

James approached, frowning slightly to see Sirius's arm around her. He wasn't jealous, just frustrated that his friend could do freely what James wanted to but wasn't allowed to do. Not in public at any rate.

Denied, he sat down next to Sirius and joined them in their listening.

"And even though his life was what some may consider perfect, living on a beautiful secluded island with a beautiful nymph goddess with nothing at all to trouble him, he was miserable. Odysseus just wept into the sand, looking out into the sea, whishing to go home to Ithaca."

"To Penelope?" asked the first year Slytherin girl.

"Well, yes and no. Remember when Circe told Odysseus to go to the underworld to speak to that dead blind oracle, Tyresius? Remember he also encountered not only his mother, but the fallen warriors Achilles and Ajax and the dead king, Agamemnon. Remember what Agamemnon told him?"

"Don't trust your wife," Sirius supplied coolly.

"Yes, and Odysseus, who has been tossed about the sea for a decade now and he is a much older and wiser man, much more cautious and wary. So he heeds Agamemnon's advice. Now, of course _we_ know how faithfully Penelope has been waiting these 20 years but Agamemnon, who was murdered by his own wife Clytemnestra when he returned home from Troy, _doesn't_ and neither does Odysseus."

"Why did his wife kill him?" asked the Ravenclaw boy.

"Because before he left for Troy, Agamemnon told his wife that he was going to marry their daughter to Achillese, when in reality he was tricking her. He brought his daughter to the alter of Artemis all dressed for marriage, but she didn't find a groom there, she only found death. Her own father sacrificed her to the goddess so he could get to and also win the war of Troy. Needless to say his wife was not at all pleased about this and is given over a decade to brood over it. So when her husband comes back from the war she kills him brutally with a two sided axe while he bathes.

"Hell hath no fury…" said Sirius again.

"Anyway, when Odysseus makes it off the Island of Calypso and back to Ithaca he goes disguised as a begger, the exact opposite of what he was and what any honourable Greek wanted to be. Athena praises him for his subterfuge and helps him yet again. The poor pig herder that has remained loyal to the king reunites him with his son Telemachus. Then, still disguised as a beggar, they sneak back into his own court under the very noses of the 50 suitors who would very much like to have him killed."

"An excellent tale," Dumbledore stated after she finished the story.

"I think Sirius could have told it better," she admitted.

"But you did a marvellous job nonetheless, Cariad," he said giving her a final squeeze before withdrawing his arm from around her and redirecting his efforts back to his neglected plate. "Evening, Prongs," he said cheerfully as he put a spoonful of mashed potato in his mouth.

"Evening. What are you doing here?"

"Just delivering something to Dumbledore and thought I'd stay for dinner. House elves make better food than either Remus or I could prepare. Don't let me forget to bring something back for him."

"How is Moony?"

"He's alright. Still sleeping when last I saw him but that was several hours ago."

"Mmhmm…"he said distractedly. He had actually been watching the entrance of Professor Slughorn. He leaned over and whispered something to Lily who nodded and stood up to go with him. They didn't go very far, only out of earshot. She needed as he spoke either in apparent agreement or in understanding. She smiled mischievously at something and asked a question that made Slughorn think for a moment. He finally replied holding thumb and forefinger close together as if to say 'a little bit.'

This seemed to please Lily and she put her hand out which the potion's master shook vigorously before leaving the Great Hall again.

"What was that about do you suppose?" Sirius asked under his breath. He had been watching the same scene as James had been.

"No idea," he said with a sigh. He poked at his chicken half heartedly.

She returned, that pleased grin still warming her face. "Are you staying beyond dinner?" she asked Sirius, but her hand secretly found its way onto James's back as she spoke.

"Don't think so. Need to be getting back, check on Remus and turn in myself. It's been a long day."

"In that case good night." She kissed him on the cheek but scratched James gently to let him know that she was thinking of him.

"Talk soon," Sirius replied.

Her fingers trailed of him as she left, almost as if invisible strands were pulling him to follow her. He all but attacked his chicken then, devouring an enviable portion in record time.

"Later mate. Don't forget to get some for Moony."

"Thanks. See you, Prongs."

When James entered her common room Lily was sitting on the floor in front of the arm chair reading Magical Metalurgy. He sat down on the floor behind her and started rubbing her shoulders.

"Is the answer really in here?" she asked unhappily.

"I don't know."

"How are we supposed to find it when we don't even know what it is we are looking for?"

"I don't know that either."

She shut the book and put her hands on top of his, grabbing them and bringing them down so his arms encircled her.

"You said that we would catch up eventually?"

"Mmhmm."

"But what if we can't find a way to defeat him? What if there isn't a way?"

"If we can't find one we'll make one."

She closed her eyes and leaned into him, wondering how they could simply 'make' a solution to lord Voldemort. "I wish I were as confident as you."

"What was it Slughorn was talking to you about tonight at dinner?" he asked changing the subject.

"He's leaving the castle for a few days day after tomorrow. Wondered if I'd maintain a potion he's brewing," she said with a yawn.

"And why were you grinning like the cat that got the cream?"

"Because I get a lil bit when it's finished.

"What is it?"

"Liquid luck."

"Felix Felicis?"

"Mmhmm."

"I'd be pleased too."

"Don't worry, I plan on shaing it with you."

"Why thanks, love," he said kissing her temple.

"James?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you _really_ alright?"

"What do you mean?"

"Can we talk about it?"

"About what?"

Lily paused for a moment, unsure if this was a wise decision. "You didn't even go to her funeral," she whispered. "And today you act as if nothing ever happened."

James sighed. "I will be alright. I'm just trying to move past it."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Should I?" he asked earnestly. "Would it help any?"

Lily didn't know if anything other than time could help, but she replied "it might," anyway. Maybe she was being selfish and just wanted to know how he was feeling. She didn't really know. How can one ever, truly?

"What was she like?" she asked, turning around to face him. It was a simple question, and one James spent two hours answering.

"I wish you could have met her. I… I wanted you to. Would have wanted to meet yours as well."

"Is that why you suggested meeting Petunia?"

"She's the only family you have."

"I know that. But why now?"

"Because you never know what might happen next week. Now might be the only time we have."

"Is that why you said those things this afternoon?" she asked, not accusatory but simply out of curiosity. Did James just (not) propose because he wanted to replace what he had lost? Because he felt pressed for time?

"It might have played a part, I don't know. I didn't think about it. But I will tell you that I only said it then because I planned on doing it eventually anyway. Might have just… sped up the natural process." James had Lily's hand in his lap, and traced the lines of her palm with his fingertips as he spoke. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For… everything. I don't know I just felt the need to apologise to you." James knew what he was apologising for though, he just couldn't say it. He was sorry for not being able to be romantic. It seemed that he leaned on her more than she did him. He seemed to get her into more trouble than she would normally (which was more than enough as it was.) Still, James couldn't help but smile to himself. This was Lily. She wouldn't have it any other way. She loved being needed, and he most certainly needed her. And although she might not admit it as such, she loved getting in trouble. She loved a good fight and she liked working hard and putting in long hours. Along with his love, that was pretty much all James had to offer her, and pretty much all Lily was asking for.

How could anyone be so perfect for him? He was lucky to have found her, and even luckier to actually have her.

"Well you are forgiven. For all past and future transgressions."

James chuckled. "How do you know you will want to forgive me in the future? I might do something terrible."

"I trust you. And you have enough burdens to bear without adding a guilty conscience to weigh you down. At least there I can help ease your burden by one."

x

She hoped he would say the same in return but he didn't She wished he had, it would have been a comfort to know…

xx

The sun hadn't even risen when they set out the next morning. In fact daylight was still hours away.

Seeing as Lily didn't know the way (never having been invited over before) they went thestral-back.

"Petunia Ev… erm. Petunia _Dursley_ of Little Whinging," she told it. The beast unfurled its wings with a stretchy leathery sound and she could resist the urge to reach down and stroke that wing. It looked like a bat's but it felt much stronger. It would have to be to get a horse sized creature (and its rider) in the air.

She adjusted herself so that her legs wouldn't be in the way of the range of its wings and then took off.

"You doing alright, Red? I can't see you," James asked later.

"Fine," she replied from beneath his cloak. She couldn't see him very well either. With it being so dark and him coloured to exactly match his surroundings she could only just barely mke out his outline.

"Nothing against thestrals, but if we make this trip again lets take brooms, eh?"

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves," she remarked. She didn't want to think that far forward and get her hopes up. In truth she was terrified and for the past hour had been constantly fighting the urge to tell her thestral to turn around and head back to Hogwarts. She didn't know if she could handle Petunia shouting at her again. Last time Lily understood, their parents had just been killed. Now, years later, it would be more final. Whatever Petunia said now would be the last word and she would have no choice but accept it if she slammed the door in her face. It would be the last time they would see each other.

If she hadn't forgiven her by now she probably never would.

"You are being awfully quiet," James commented.

"Just thinking."

"Care to share?"

"Not particularly, no."

"Lily…" he began threateningly. "I seem to recall you making me a certain promise…"

"Yes but."

"But me no buts, my dear. I'd rather hear what's on your mind rather than excuses."

"You wouldn't understand, you are an only child."

"Am not."

"Well imagine then, that you did something terrible and Sirius didn't talk to you for years. And now out of the blue you are going to see him for the first time since that terrible thing and you have no idea if he will welcome you in or tell you go away and never come back. You don't know if he has forgiven you or if he is justifiably still angry and will be for the rest of his life. How would you feel then?"

"I'd be a wreck. But if Sirius were going to forgive me he'd have done it already."

"Not helping."

"But Sirius isn't Petunia. He only has two time lengths for grudges. 5 minutes and forever. But women are different. They can stay bitter for years."

"Well Petunia and I never really fought as girls until I went to Hogwarts."

"What was that about?"

"My going to Hogwarts. Magic has always been her one and only sore point with me and while it may have not been justifiable when I was eleven it certainly is now."

"Why?"

"James, don't make me do this now," she pleaded, already feeling her throat tighten and eyes blur.

"Please tell me?"

"She barely forgave me for going to Hogwarts to learn magic. She knows as well as I do that our parents would still be alive if I hadn't."

x

"Your parents' death is not your fault," he said, forbearing to add 'unlike me.' "I don't know why the death eaters have it out for you but…" he stopped. He never thought to ask her. Hadn't even _occurred_ to him that she herself might know, even if the ministry didn't. "_Lily_?" he asked tentatively.

"Please, James. Not now." She was crying. He could tell. Her voice was oddly choked and he could hear her sniffle. He should have listened to her before and not made her talk about it. He should have waited for a later time when he wasn't at the several disadvantages he currently was. They were hundreds of feet in the air and on separate thestrals so he couldn't even hold her. No, now she'd have to cry on her own and he would have to sit there, great brute that he was, and let her (as he had no choice.)

They were silent the rest of the way but James told himself that he would ask her about it later. In fact, he meant to ask her about a lot of things; things that although were terribly important, somehow always managed to get swept aside to be ignored or forgotten. Perhaps she wanted them to be ignored and forgotten and perhaps he kept forgetting to bring it up because he was afraid of what the answers might be. But he would ask eventually.

His thestral dove suddenly and James concentrated on not sliding off. Couldn't they have descended _gradually_? Why the abruptness? Probably just more fun for the thestrals, he supposed.

James marvelled at the thestrals' abilities though. Every single house in the entire neighbourhood looked the same. How they knew which one they wanted James couldn't even guess.

They landed in an immaculate front garden. Lily must have dismounted or somehow led her thestral to the side of the house. He wasn't sure if muggles who had seen death could see thestrals or not, but he thought it was a good idea to keep them out of sight just in case. Petunia certainly would be able to see them and they could spare at least her the shock of seeing deathly dark sinewy horses in her pristine garden.

James followed Lily removing the charm that concealed him as she removed the cloak. She had already dismounted so James awkwardly clambered down his own mount too.

She handed him the cloak as she began busily brushing imaginary lint from her clothes. James knew she was only stalling.

"Come here," he said taking her face in his hands. He took a moment to comb her hair with his fingers as he gazed at that dear face.

"You don't need to coddle me. I'm fine."

"Who's coddling? I'm just fixing your hair. It was a disaster."

"Uh huh."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Oh, come on then," he said taking her hand and giving it a quick kiss before ruthlessly dragging her to the front door so she didn't have time to change her mind.

x

This was it. She reached out a finger and froze. Poised over the doorbell she took a deep steadying breath and then pushed.

As they waited Lily hoped the thestrals had somehow brought them to the wrong house. Maybe Petunia didn't live at number 4, maybe she didn't live on Privet drive at all. Maybe she would see the welcome face of a total stranger and all she would have to do would be apologise for having the wrong house and leave and that would be that.

But no. Something inside her _knew_ this was the home of her sister. Perhaps she wasn't at home though. She might have gone out visiting a friend, gone shopping, maybe she was even at work. Lily didn't even know if Petunia _had_ a job.

She felt they had waited half an hour, but it had only been a few seconds before she said, "No one's home."

"Then we'll wait."

But the didn't have to wait. The door opened that very moment catching all three of them off guard. They stood there in awkward silence; Lily too _scared_ to speak, Petunia too _surprised_ to speak, and James who simply had no idea what he could possibly say.

"Hi Tuny," she began at last, her voice much higher and quieter than she remembered.

Petunia didn't respond. She simply stood there blinking at her.

"May we come in?" James asked, his deep and strong voice such a forceful contrast to her soft and squeaky one.

This seemed to startle Petunia from her daze but she took a moment before deciding. After looking down the street in both directions to make sure no one was watching she nodded hesitantly and stepped wordlessly back to let them in.

Lily didn't exhale until the door closed behind her. When she heard the latch click and Petunia lock the door behind them she sighed. She was in. She had cleared the first hurdle. She was so relieved that she wanted to throw her arms around her older sister's neck but she knew she shouldn't. It was till awkward. Instead of standing silently on the front porch they were now standing silently in the hallway, an improvement she was willing to appreciate but not be satisfied with.

She had to say something but what? Should she apologise? Tell her she loved her? Ask her how she had been doing these past few years?

"Happy Christmas," she said finally, taking the small wrapped package from her pocket and handing it to her sister. "You once did it for me, and so I've done it for you. Remember to take it with whiskey. I hope you never need it but just in case…"

"Thank you." Petunia said finally and took Lily's gift. Their hands touched briefly when she did. "Vernon's at work."

Lily wanted to meet her brother in law but just now she took his absence to be a good thing, mainly because Petunia seemed to think this was a good thing.

"You look well," Lily said truthfully. Petunia had always been painfully thin growing up but now she seemed to have filled out. She seemed fuller, even in her face which seemed to glow. Was she actually happy to see her?

"So do you," she replied, out of mere politeness Lily was sure.

"This is James," Lily said indicating the man to whom Petunia's eyes kept darting.

"We've… met." She have him a curt not and James nodded back.

"You have a lovely home," she commented. From what she could see it was true. Every surface shone or sparkled, not a spot of dirt or dust to be seen.

It was the exact opposite of where they had grown up. It was large and perfectly well kept. Lily wasn't surprised. Petunia had always been ashamed of being poor and always paid such careful attention to appearance and what other people thought. She wouldn't, as an adult, let one trace of her past be seen, wouldn't drop the tiniest hint that she hadn't always been the perfectly respectable housewife of a perfectly acceptable upper middle class home. She would consider any amount of dirt at all as incriminating evidence of her past. She would see dust as a personal liability, as if it could shout to the rest of the world that she used to be poor, used to be lower class.

As they (finally) moved into the sitting room Lily couldn't imagine how Tuny kept the place so spotless. She really must spend all her time cleaning.

"I'll make some tea," Petunia said, falling into the role of hostess.

"I'll help," Lily offered.

"No, that's alright." And with that she disappeared.

"This is going… well?" James stated unsurely.

"Better than I had reason to hope for."

James put a big warm hand on her back and rubbed in soothing circles.

"It's awkward thought. We are acting like strangers, or perhaps maybe former acquaintances."

"You just need time to warm up to each other again."

There was a moment of silence before Lily blurted out suddenly. "I want to go to Dover."

"What?" he asked startled but not confused. He stopped rubbing her back. There really had been a connection there. Lily was wondering if Petunia really would warm up to her again. She had pushed Lily away once before when Lily turned out to be a witch and Severus had told her she wasn't and started favouring Lily even more from then on. That got her wondering what James would do if Petunia mentioned Severus in front of him, how would he react if he found out that she had been keeping him and other parts of her past a secret. That in turn made her wonder if James was keeping anything from _her_, which of course reminded her of what she and Remus had overheard the previous day about James and Sirius going to Dover. A strange sort of link but that had been the thought process. Thus, the seeming random interjection.

"If you are going back to Dover I want to go too."

James frowned. "I think not."

"You know nothing has changed between us. You still can't tell me what to do."

"Dumbledore thinks you should have a break too."

"I've had one."

"It's been a week."

"What about you? You were in more danger last week than I ever was and yet you are going off again."

"Yes but I'm not…" he stopped himself before he said it, but Lily was determined to drag it out of him anyway.

"Not what?"

"Nothing. Forget it."

"No, go on. Not what?"

"I don't remember," he lied.

"Shall I jog your memory then?"

"No."

"Why can't you just say it?"

"Because I don't want to."

"Not saying it aloud isn't going to change the fact that I'm…"

"Don't."

"_Cursed_," she finished anyway.

"Lily…" he whined.

"I know you don't like talking to me about it but there is no reason why you should feel the need to dance around the subject in front of me. It's not like I don't know about it. I know it better than you or Dumbledore so if you are worried or concerned about something just ask me. You won't hurt me by asking. Talking about it isn't painful." Honestly, the way he carried on it was as if he were talking to someone terminally ill about the disease that was killing them.

Then it clicked in Lily's mind. That was _exactly_ how he saw it. Of course. It had been a death curse after all, and if Lily hadn't taken the precautions she had when she retuned to Hogwarts after the ordeal he and Dumbledore might be justified in their fears. "James, look at me," she said taking his hand and putting it to her cheek. "I'm stronger than the curse is. Especially with you and Petunia's help. It's only a whisper now. Yes, sometimes it grows louder but not loud enough to overpower my own will. If I didn't succumb the night I found it I never will. We've beaten it already. Just because a bit of it lingers around doesn't mean it has control over me. Do you understand? It can't touch me, but _you_ can."

He brought his forehead to hers. "But what if something happens? You say these things now but what if… what if…"

"It won't change anything."

"How can you know? Sirius said you felt your purpose in life was to die."

"I do."

He put a hand on her necklace but didn't move to take it off. "Would you say that if you had never been touched by a death curse? You don't think it's made you a bit fey? A bit…"

"How could I know? But just because I want to die for a cause doesn't mean I'm going to go looking for excuses to get myself killed. I'm not suicidal. That's not what it's telling me."

"It's not?"

"No. Suicide is when people choose to end their life because they find it's not worth living. There is a difference. I know what is worth living for. It just so happens that an excellent reason for living is also an excellent reason for dying." **(a/n)**

"And your curse doesn't have anything to do with that?"

"I want to say no, but I couldn't honestly say."

He put a hand behind her neck. "I don't want to lose you…" he whispered.

"You can't keep me hidden away in the castle for the rest of our lives."

"I know. But I just got you, if I lost you now…"

"Let me come. I need to go to Dover. I owe it to Findart and Clandart both. I _need_ to finish what I started."

"But you know how badly the dementors affect you. It was lucky last time you weren't seriously hurt."

"What are dementors?"

Lily and James broke apart and turned quickly to the door. Petunia stood there holding a tea tray, eyes wide with fear at hearing the creatures about which the only thing she knew was that they could have seriously hurt her sister.

"Erm… they stand guard at Azkaban prison," James explained. "It's a wizard prison."

Petunia took a few more steps into the room and set down the tray on the perfectly polished coffee table. "How do they affect you?" she asked unsurely.

"Dementors are evil creatures that neither see, hear, nor smell. They find their way around by sensing life. When they are around you feel like you will never be cheerful again, leaving you with only your wrost ever memories. They suck out your happiness, _and_ your soul if they can manage it."

"They suck out your soul?"

"They can, yes."

"And this… Azkaban prison is in Dover? Why are you going to prison?"

"No, the prison isn't in Dover but there are dementors there that you-know-who put there to protect whatever it is he's doing," James explained.

"No… I _don't_ know who," she said shaking her head worriedly.

"Ah, I see we will need to back up a bit."

"You know who is the dark wizard responsible for… killing muggles and muggleborns," Lily supplied. "His followers, you might remember wear long robes and masks."

"Oh… _them_."

"Yes, and I've decided to fight against them."

"What about _him_?"

James thought she was talking about him, but Lily cut him off before he could explain that he was an auror.

"I haven't spoken to him since you have. But my understanding is he hasn't changed."

Petunia nodded gravely. "So you are going to Dover?"

"Yes."

"Maybe." Lily and James replied respectively at the same time.

"What for?"

"There is something very important to Voldemort there. We don't know what, and that's what we are trying to find out."

"Voldemort?"

"That's who James meant when he said you-know-who. He's the dark wizard that has the entire wizarding world cowering in their homes."

"Is it really that bad?"

"Yes. And Tuny I won't lie, it doesn't look very good for me."

"Because of the curse?"

So she had heard that too… "No. Because they want me dead."

"_Why_?"

"Because…"

"Is it because of _him_?"

"I highly doubt it, Pet."

"Who him?" James asked, but neither woman answered.

"In fact… well… I'm not saying I've put you in danger from coming here because we made sure they wouldn't find out about it. But…"

"But it's not safe knowing us," James finished. "They found out I went to my mum's and they killed her that very night."

Petunia gasped and looked around terrified.

"They don't know we've come, Pet. It's ok. Just be careful."

"Be careful how?" she asked worriedly, clutching her stomach. Lily glanced from Petunia's hands to the rest of her sister and back to her abdomen again. That would explain the bit of weight she put on. It seemed slightly obvious now. It was only a tiny bit and she could barely tell with the fluffy apron she was wearing, but Lily would have wagered the 300 galleons she'd lost from Malfoy that her sister was with child.

"Um, could you show me where the lavatory is?" she asked. She nodded and they both rose and left the room. "You are pregnant," she said once they were a safe distance from the sitting room.

Petunia nodded. "Due in June," she said rubbing her tummy.

"Oh, Pet that's wonderful." For the first time in years, Lily hugged her sister. When Lily felt her hug back she burst into tears. She hated that she cried so much, but she was so relieved to have her sister back she couldn't help it. "I've missed you," she whispered through the tears.

"You can come back any time," she said, but then added after a moment of awkward hesitation. "But perhaps it would be best to come when Vernon isn't home. You would be alright, but he doesn't know about… _your kind_. He wouldn't get on with your… with James."

"Oh," Lily said sadly. But the sadness was quickly banished. What did she care if Vernon didn't like James. She had a sister and a nephew to love. She put a hand to her sisters stomach and smiled.

"Do you know yet?"

"No."

Lily knew her sister well enough that it didn't matter whether it was a boy or a girl, she would spoil her child rotten. Give it everything she hadn't had as a child, give it the best of everything, to show the world that she could give her child anything it wanted, unlike their own parents. Of course their parents had loved them completely, but the fact that they didn't have much money was an issue sometimes, especially for Petunia once she became a teenager. Lily had been a bit embarrassed herself until she went to Hogwarts. Then she didn't have to worry about people looking down on her for being poor but for being a muggleborn. Now it was not only a matter of being looked down on, but being loathed. People wanted to kill others just for being muggle born. Lily looked down at her sister's stomach and wondered what on earth did any of it matter?

A child wasn't any more or less precious if it were magical or not, wealthy or not, muggleborn or pureblood.

She couldn't understand John's parents. They had had a child, raised a child. How could they have _not_ loved him? Lily loved Petunia's child already and she didn't even know if it was a boy or a girl. She couldn't imagine how Petunia must feel. The fear that must have struck her when Lily said to be careful. It was such a terrifying thought, bringing a child into a world that is so unsafe. And yet...

But she shouldn't think of 'and yets'.

"James is probably wondering where we've got to," she said after a while.

"I'm glad you came."

"Me too."

"So you and James are…"

"Yes."

"And you met at that school?"

"Erm… yes."

"He looks older."

"He is. He's already graduated and is now an auror. A dark wizard catcher," she added in explanation

Petunia nodded. "Are you staying for lunch?"

"If it isn't putting you out."

"Not at all. Dining room is just through there."

Lily went to fetch James and bring him into the dining room. They spent the rest of the afternoon there chatting about magical and muggle matters alike. In fact Lily had quite lost track of the time when Petunia said, "Vernon will be home from work soon."

"Oh. Well, we were just about to leave anyway. It's a long journey back to Scotland. We should have left already."

"Why do I get the impression we were shooed out?"

"Well, Vernon isn't exactly used to your kind."

"Our kind, you mean?"

"Well I can act like a muggle. You, on the other hand couldn't even point out what a refrigerator is, much less pronounce it."

"A what?"

"Exactly my point."

"Refidgemater," he tried with valiant indignance. Lily grinned and kissed him on the cheek before she mounted her thestral.

"Close, but no."

"Wait, say it again?"


	49. In Which James Sings House Elf Songs

Late that night in the common room James sat in his armchair. Lily sat on the floor in between his legs as she strung perfectly clear beads the colour lapis-lazuli. Lily had been stuck on what she could possibly give a house elf for her birthday. Clothes were out of the question and all their needs were provided for by the school. Lily reasoned that a simple necklace wouldn't count as clothes, but it was still something the elf could wear and appreciate.

"What do you think?" she asked once she was finished, holding it up for him to see. He lowered his book to peer down at it.

"Lovely. She'll probably have a conniption fit if you try to give it to her."

"Why?"

"Because house elves aren't used to getting presents from wizards. It sort of goes against the natural order of things."

"Natural order of things…" she scoffed.

"It's true. Alright, the enslavement of house elves might not be just, but it would be just as traumatic for them as it would be for wizards if they were all suddenly liberated. Perhaps they are brainwashed but house elves like working. They like being house elves. If they suddenly had freedom and no one told them what to do who knows what would happen. Madness, that's all I can say. It would be cruel to take away their purpose…"

"Eck hem."

"What they _think_ is their purpose in life."

"Well that may be so, but it doesn't mean I can't be nice to them."

"You are nice to everyone."

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"No, of course not. But it must get exhausting after a while."

"It doesn't," she said getting up. "Shower time."

"Enjoy yourself."

x

Next day around four in the afternoon James accompanied Lily to the dungeons. As he had discussed, Slughorn had left his pocket watch on the table for her to use. It had to be exactly 24 hours, which meant she would have to use the same time piece for the most accurate results. At exactly 4:04 Lily she stirred it one time counter clockwise just as she had seen the potions master do.

"Alright, let's go."

"That was it?"

"For today."

"How anticlimactic."

"It's potion brewing, how exciting did you think it was going to get?" she asked walking out the door he held open for her.

"Well, my expectations weren't very high to start with but even so that was disappointing."

"It will get more interesting tomorrow."

"What, going to stir it twice?"

"No, we move it to a fire and bring it to a full boil and watch it turn from brown sludge to clear gold."

"Ah, that does sound more interesting."

"Did you think I was lying?"

"Not only do you not have the best record with honesty but you find potions more interesting than you should. There really was no telling."

"Humph."

"Oh come now, you know I meant it lovingly. It's almost endearing in a way, how you can actually like potions. It adds to your quirkiness."

"Well thank you. But I don't know if you'll want to join me, it will take constant supervision. There isn't an exact time for how long to let it bubble, you have to wait for the visible signals. It could be 3 hours, could be 7."

"Seven?"

"It depends on the intensity of the flame beneath it."

"Well then make it an inferno and be done in twenty minutes."

"That would ruin it completely!"

"Oh alright alright. I'll leave it to you."

They spent the rest of the afternoon strolling around the grounds. "You know, I was thinking we need to get those maps out of the ministry. We won't be able to travel freely until they are safely locked away again," said Lily.

"We won't be able to just walk in and take them, but of course you know that."

"Of course. And you know the ministry and it's security better than I do so you get to help me."

"Lucky me. But let's focus on Dover first, hmm?"

"You mean I get to go?"

"You said that as if I actually had a choice."

"You do have a choice. You can choose to let me go."

"Or?"

"Or you can _not_ choose to _not_ let me go."

"That's what I thought," he said giving her a quick peck. Lily quickly turned around, but only the tallest turrets of the castle were visible. No one could have possibly seen.

"What?" James asked, suddenly on his guard. Rather, suddenly even _more_ on his guard. He obviously thought she had heard something.

"Nothing," she replied quickly. "It was nothing," she said returning the kiss.

x

As much fun as it might be, James knew better than to mess about this close to the forest. They couldn't afford to not pay attention to what was around them. Half way around the lake Mercury joined them and James couldn't help but smile at how happy seeing the unicorn made Lily.

When they finally circled all the way around they stopped by Hagrid's and with all four of them sitting outside, James and Hagrid sipping their drinks while Lily hummed and pet Mercury it was like old times again.

"How's Fluffy?"

"Blooming! Getting really big now. He'll be full grown in another month or two. Want ter see him?"

"No, James replied dryly. Lily hid her smile in Mercury's mane but James could still see her shoulders twitch in silent laughter. "Coming to the castle for dinner, Hagrid?"

"No, have a roast on."

James didn't ask what exactly he was roasting, he was just glad the half giant hadn't offered him any.

"Do you think they serve food at house elf parties or should we eat in the Great Hall?" Lily asked on their way back to the castle.

"If they don't have food you can just have her make you something."

"I'm _not_ making her serve me food on her own birthday let alone her own party," she said adamantly.

"Then eat dinner in the Great Hall."

"But what if there _is_ food and I'm being rude to Poppy by not eating?"

"Then eat at both," he said exasperatedly. "That's what I'm going to do. You could do with a bit of extra food," he added in what he hoped was a diplomatic and delicate manner.

"I know," she said sadly hanging her head.

"I mean of course you are lovely the way you are but…"

"But I was lovelier the way I was?"

"That's not what I was going to say." But that didn't stop it from being true.

"No, but pretty near I'd wager. Well you are right in any case. I _have_ been doing my best to get three meals a day."

"I know," he said giving her hand a squeeze. Well there was one thing off the list of things to discuss with her. At least he knew and was trying to do something about it.

"Petunia's pregnant," Lily said suddenly.

"What?"

"Sorry but seeing how Petunia has gained weight… well… it just reminded me." Lily smiled affectionately for her sister and future niece or nephew.

"Well that's excellent!" James said. Tiny families getting bigger was a good thing, and considering it was his future family that was growing it was a very good thing.

"I know, I'm so happy for her. Well, I won't lie, I'm happy for myself. The number of my blood relatives will double and I get to be an aunt." She was practically skipping now and James could almost count every shiny white tooth in her mouth for she seemed to display them all in that all encompassing smile of hers.

The smile fell however when they reached the castle doors. She let go of his hand, looking ashamed surprised and ashamed that she had been holding it and walked in ahead of him. He knew the drill but he didn't like it. No one was even around, what did it matter?"

When he walked into the Great Hall Lily was sitting with her new pet Slytherin and James was forced to make conversation with the boring Professor Vector who was about as ancient herself as the runes she taught.

He was stuck there until everyone finished their meals but Vectpr was taking her sweet time as were a few other lonely professors. What was wrong with academics, James wondered. Why are they all so alone? Probably because being cloistered together in a castle with a thousand students at least ten months of the year didn't afford many dating opportunities. 'Or _shouldn't_ anyway,' James thought awkwardly.

"Which is a recent discovery. Up until last year they translated it the same way as they did Orus. In fact they, that is to say _wizards_ thought it was the same rune when in fact it has the exact opposite meaning. Other intelligent magical beings apparently drew the distiction we didn't."

"Interesting," he lied. No doubt Lily would find the morphology of ancient runes fascinating but James couldn't bring himself to care about the difference between Orus and Orous no matter how much he tried. That didn't stop the old biddy from actually illustrating the minute difference between the two symbols.

"If you will excuse me," he said politely as he rose from his seat. "I have an engagement I must attend." He didn't know which sounded stupider, 'I have an engagement to attend' or 'I have a house elf party to go to,' but be figured the former was safer, however hoity-toity it sounded.

He left. Bored to tears, he sat on the steps that led down to the kitchens, dungeons, and Hufflepuff common room and waited.

Fingers wound into his hair and he closed his eyes, leaned back and grinned.

"I didn't even hear you," he said wrapping an arm around her leg, running a hand from her ankle to calf.

"I was taught well."

"Time yet?"

"I'd give them a few more minutes, the last person only left just now," she said sitting down beside him. He brought her head to his shoulder and leaned his against hers. He would have been perfectly content to sit there with her for the rest of the evening but a few moments later she got to her feet and pulled him to his.

xx

James didn't expect himself to actually enjoy the house elf party but he did. It was just getting started when they arrived. About 40 elves were all wearing different coloured party hats and he and Lily were given hats of their own (but slightly larger.) Once Butterbeer had been consumed all the house elves began singing house elf songs. James had never heard a house elf song but that didn't stop him from trying to join in.

A group of four of five elves sang a verse, and then another group would continue with the next but they would all chime in for certain bits.

"_If you've got lots on your plate_

_Must do something you hate_

_Don't bother, just give it the shirk_

_Don't do it yourself! Leave it to an elf!_

_And let us do the work!_"

"**WORK! WORK!**" the rest shouted boisterously.

_"When you have got lots to do_

_And hours are precious few_

_And you've better things to do with yours..._

_Don't do it yourself! Leave it to an elf!_

_And we will do your chores_

**_CHORES! CHORES!_**

_If something's really mucky,_

_Touching it would be yucky_

_It's dirtier than anything you've seen._

_Don't do it yourself! Leave it to an elf!_

_And we will make it clean!_

_**CLEAN! CLEAN!**"_

James swung his butterbeer in kind and shouted exuberantly, "Clean Clean! Scrub Scrub! Cook Cook!" with the rest of the house elves but Lily didn't join in the revelry no matter how much he tried to encourage her. She stood there with her arms crossed looking concerned and unhappy.

As James predicted, Poppy made an embarrassing scene at the end of the evening when Lily presented her with the necklace. At least Lily had had the foresight to give it to her in private, it would have been worse if it had been in front of all the other house elves. They had mostly gone to bed save Poppy. Because it was her birthday the 'honour' of cleaning up was hers; yet another thing that Lily didn't seem to approve of.

"Don't do it yourself, leave it to an elf and let us do the work, WORK WORK!" he sang happily as they were going back to Lily's common room.

"James…" she said admonishingly.

"What? It's a catchy tune! I must teach it to Sirius."

"No you don't. He's perfectly capable of demeaning house elves already."

"You saw them. They don't find work demeaning."

"They don't know better."

"Lil, if people suddenly started telling you that you are degrading yourself by studying and should stop would you like it any less?"

"That wouldn't happen."

"What if it did?"

"James, it's completely different. It's slavery versus education."

"I'm not talking about probabilities or what it is or isn't, Evans. I'm just saying you are so caught up in moral righteousness that you aren't considering their feelings at all. Uncommonly cruel of you…"

Lily stopped dead in her tracks in front of her common room, her face a perfect portrait of horrification and shame. Her hand covered her mouth so her words were slightly muffled as she spoke. "I'm a terrible person. You are absolutely right. Poppy invited me to her birthday party ad wanted me to enjoy myself but I just stood there ruining it for everyone. Oh, I should have just smiled and sung those damned songs. That would have made her happy wouldn't it?"

James had just been teasing her about being cruel but super sensitive creature that she was she had taken it to heart. "I was kidding, love. You can do no wrong in Poppy's eyes. She adores you, especially after you gave her that necklace. Just forget it."

"No, you are right. How could I have been so inconsiderate? I should go apologise."

She started walking back the way they came but James caught her wrist.

"Now stop and think for a minute. If you go down there and apologise for _not_ enjoying yourself you are just going to make _her_ feel bad."

She whined miserably (adorably in James's opinion) and put her forehead against his chest. "Why are house elves so complicated?"

"They're not. You are just making it more complex that it needs to be. Just accept that house elves like doing what they do and forget I said anything else. You aren't cruel and I'm sure Poppy thinks you are the best thing since stain remover. You have no cause for worry so just… _relax."_

He followed up this little speech by doing something he had dreamt of doing for a long time. He grabbed her by the shoulders, pressed her up against the portrait and kissed her soundly leaving no room for discussion.

She resisted slightly at first but when he finally managed to convince her this was a good idea he was immediately proven wrong.

"Erm… Excuse me," said a slightly muffled voice. They broke apart immediately looking around embarrassedly for who had caught them but no one seemed to be around. "In here," the voice said again with a sigh.

James had never given much thought to the portrait of the dark woods that guarded Lily's common room and by her expression he expected that she hadn't either. For the first time the harrowed looking man stepped out of the obscurity of the dark trees and into plain view.

"I think it would be more pleasant for everyone if you continued inside. I'm happy to be ignored and left alone but I will not be smothered in my own portrait, thank you."

"Sorry, we… er… didn't know you were in," James offered apologetically.

"Didn't know I existed more like," he replied.

"How were we to know? You've never spoken before."

"I've had nothing to say. I just open when I'm told the password."

"Sorry for disturbing you," Lily apologised with (in James's opinion) entirely too much sincerity.

"Apart from that mob trying to get in a month ago and the occasional row you two have in front of me, you're a fairly quiet Head Girl. I like that. The others never seemed to stop talking."

"Oh?"

"Yes. If you keep quiet I will," he said raising his eyebrows knowingly.

"I will never bother you again. Vigilance." He bowered before disappearing again into the dark browns and blacks of the oil paints and Lily and James entered.

"Well _that_ was embarrassing," she said once inside.

"Just forget about it," he said picking up where they left off but she pushed him away again.

"You keep saying that. I can't nor should I forget everything I do wrong."

"You can and _will_." His voice was deep and determined. "And for the next hour I don't want you thinking about _anything_ or _anyone_ but **_me_**."

She didn't push him away this time and he basked in her undivided attention.

xx **_Later_**

"It's easier when healing them at the time to _prevent_ scars. Making an existing scar disappear, however... not just glamouring them so people can't see it but _actually_ making them disappear, is so much more… frustrating," said Lily as she lay on top of him pointing her wand at James's chest. He chuckled.

"That tickles."

"Then perhaps it's working." She went back to her fiddling as James ran his fingertips up and down her back. Merlin, she was smooth! He might have been that soft as an infant but how in Helga Hufflepuff's name did women stay that way?

"Don't get me wrong, no one appreciates your being a dab hand at healing more than I do… But _why_ are you trying to erase my character again?"

"I'm just erasing the evidence, darling. The character is still there."

"I thought you said scars were attractive on men."

"Oh, what did I know then. It's not romantic when you _know_; _saw_ with your own eyes how it happened; when you couldn't stop it from happening. Then it's just an unpleasant reminder."

James could understand that. It wasn't her fault Togglepike did it to him but if Bellatrix's cruciatus curse left a scar James wouldn't be able to _look_ at it without feeling guilty.

x

Not only did those terrible white scar lines remind her of that night in Dover; the fact that James had almost died and Lily had actually _killed_ a man; but every time she saw her beloved undressed she was reminded of the man who _invented_ that curse. She didn't want Severus in her head when she wanted to focus on James.

She worked until the only ones remaining were the old werewolf wounds and three long lines across his middle. When she had spent those few days bandaging Fluffy's gashes, they had been wide and a deep maroon. No they were as thin as her little finger and a faint shade of pink.

Feeling accomplished, she put her wand on the beside table and sighed contentedly as she nestled against his newly de-scarred chest. He kissed her shoulder.

He was so content she felt bad for ruining it, but the question came out before she could stop herself.

"James?"

"Hmm?"

"When did you plan on going back?"

He sighed as his hand fell away from her back. "Do we have to discuss it now? I know the hour is up but…"

"No." She kissed his collar bone in apology. "We don't have to talk about it now. I was just wondering." She rolled off him and plumped her pillow into the shape she desired before turning her back to him and closing her eyes.

He scooted in to her, snaking and arm around her middle and pulled her close. "Soon," he replied.

xx

It had already been over four hours since Lily had entered the dungeons that afternoon, stirring three times clockwise every quarter of an hour. Slowly it had begun to change from thick brown sludge to thinner brown sludge, then melted, liquefied rather into a brown liquid growing lighter and lighter in colour with every stirring (with specifically a _silver_ stirring rod.)

As Slughorn had described (and she had later read) the contents of cauldron lessened as it boiled away. So even though one started out with vast quantities of brown sludge it only produced a relatively small amount of Felix Felicis.

James came in carrying the promised dinner basked. He put it down next to her and kissed her cheek. "Any headway?"

"Within the hour I'd wager."

The large multicoloured hourglass Lily had charmed to float in mid air whirred and whistled when the last grain of red sand fell indicating another 15 minutes was up. As it flipped itself over and the sand began falling again (it was green this time) Lily stirred it another three times to see flecks of promising gold. She had been slightly bored waiting so she got creative with her charm work on the hourglass she had perfectly synchronised with Slughorn's pocket watch.

"Lucky for Horace you were here. I doubt there are many people he could coerce into potion sitting for hours, and even fewer who would be able to do it if he could. I'm beginning to think he made up the bit about having to leave for a few days just so he could shove off the most tedious and difficult part onto you."

"Oh no, the most difficult part by _far_ is the beginning. He's been working on this for months. It's quite interesting to see it on its final day."

She began picking apart a dinner roll and putting the pieces in her mouth one by one.

"What do you suppose would happen if I put in a drop of butterbeer?" James asked tipping a bottle dangerously over the cauldron.

"No!" Lily cried, all but tackling him to get the ruinous liquid away from the potion.

James burst out laughing. "I was kidding! I wouldn't _actually_ add butterbeer."

Lily laughed too after her heart rate returned to normal. She knew James wouldn't do anything so stupid, she had just panicked.

"Wanker," she said affectioately.

James gave her the most charming boyish grin revealing a dimple she had never seen before. She was torn, not sure whether to pinch that cheek or slap it. She kissed it instead, although unwillingly. She just couldn't seem to stop herself, that smile was so radiant.

He sat down on the desk behind him and grabbing her derrière pulled her towards him and began patting lightly on both sides, as if beating out his favourite rhythm on a drum.

"Dum dum ditty dum ditty dum dum. Badda badda bum badda bum bum bum."

"Ah ha, those musical talents you were telling me about."

"And you, my dear, are my favourite instrument."

"Instrument?"

"Actually you are my favourite lot of things but do let's not get into those now, we haven't the time."

"Maybe later?"

"I'll tell you as we go."

Lily reached over and grabbed her half eaten dinner roll and tore off another bite. When the hour glass whirred again Lily left him to give in another three stirs

"Favourite brewer, for one," James commented.

"It's turning gold!" she said excitedly. "The next one or the one after ought to do it. It has to be taken off the fire the moment steam starts rising."

Lily just watched the cauldron as she snacked so James pulled out a small book from his pocket and reviewed his notes, occasionally jotting down a thought or two as they occurred. A few minutes later he mirrored Sirius.

"Padfoot."

"Yeah mate?"

"You free tomorrow night?"

"Not as free as I could be, why?"

"How important is it?"

"As important as a bird with great legs and perfect breasts can be."

"So…"

"Not very. What did you need?"

"Your presence in Dover."

"Excellent! Have you told Benjy yet? Has he agreed?"

"Actually I thought we might as well take Lily after all."

"Ah, she used her womanly wiles to let her come, eh?"

"I don't have wiles," Lily called out in her defence, still not taking her eyes off the potion.

"Yes you do," both men replied at once. Lily shrugged but made no further comment except to say, "hello Sirius."

"Evening, Cariad. So it is to be the triumvirate of power. Good."

"We'll take the Knight Bus to yours tomorrow."

"Come tonight if you like. Moony's here and Wormtail is on his way."

"How does that sound?" James asked Lily.

"Fine, fine," she replied distractedly.

"We'll be there. Give us another hour or two."

"Ah, need a spot of 'quality time' first, eh?"

"No, actually. I had a _very_ fulfilling afternoon as a matter of fact."

Lily chucked a dinner roll at his head but the deft former chaser simply caught it and began eating. Sirius snorted amusedly. "Actually Lily's brewing at present," James explained.

"She's _brewing_?" Sirius asked, disfavour dripping from each syllable.

"I know I know. Don't hold it against her, she's just doing Horace Slughorn a favour. She gets a bit of Felix Felicis out of the deal though."

"Ho, well that's not so bad. Not that 'Lucky Lily Evans' _needs_ Felix Felicis."

"Shut up, Sirius," she said.

"What is this?" James enquired curiously.

"Nothing," they answered at the same time, but Sirius with considerably more amusement honeying his voice. "So you'll be here?"

"We'll be there."

"Excellent. We can discuss plans for tomorrow further once you get here."

"Right. In a bit then."

"See you soon."

The sand in the hourglass (now purple) emptied again and that time when Lily stirred a small golden mist formed. "James! James!" she cried happily, wandlessly lifting the cauldron up and setting it down on the neighbouring station.

James extinguished the fire as she cooled the cauldron and poured it carefully into the bottle provided.

x

James watched the liquid gold sparkle and glisten and was surprised to find himself disappointed when she found the corked and stopped the bottle. James didn't think he was vulnerable to things like that. He had fancied himself above such potions but when it was right there in front of him the allure was so much stronger, so much more tempting.

"Put these in the cupboard over there would you? The password is larvae." She handed him the potion bottle and Slughorn's pocket watch. He didn't _actually_ take a sip when she wasn't looking but he would be lying if he said the thought hadn't occurred to him.

When he came back Lily was stringing something onto a chain.

"It's not much," she said as she placed the chain over his head. Dangling from it was the smallest vial he had ever seen containing what could only be a splash of gold, just enough to wet his tongue. She put a similar chain around her own neck, her vial containing what appeared to be even less Felix Felicis than his did.

He wanted to ask her about it but he knew better. She'd probably say it was an accident, just chance that he happened to get more but he knew that wasn't true. A brewer as skilled as she would be able to distribute equally if she wanted to. She had done it on purpose and James appreciated it. He couldn't possibly have failed to notice that she hadn't said it, but by her actions James could tell she loved him.

Of course he _wanted_ to hear her say it. He didn't _need_ to, he just wanted to. Who doesn't like being told they are loved? It's just nice to hear…

x

"Greetings friends!" Sirius said ushering them both inside. Lily kissed him on the cheek and he scrunched up his face pretending he didn't enjoy it. She shrugged off her cloak and flung it onto Remus' head.

"Cariad, I don't believe you've been on the balcony have you? Come, I'll show you," he said immediately putting an arm around her shoulders and forcefully steering her out of the room.

"Sirius, what the…?"

"Just this way," he cut her off.

Up the stairs, down the hall and out onto the balcony they went. After they were outside and the sliding door closed safely behind them Lily asked, "What was that all about?"

"Can't a man want to show you his balcony without having an ulterior motive?"

"A man could, yes. But you and I both know you are no ordinary man."

Sirius smirked. "Too true, too true. Well then, seeing that we can forgo the small talk I'll get down to it. Remus and Peter don't know about tomorrow so don't say anything."

"But Remus already knows."

"Does he?"

"He knows you and James were going to ask Fenwick to go with you. We overheard you discussing it on New Years."

"Damn, I forgot you are a light sleeper. Well, I'll have a word with Remus. He will understand why he can't go. He's still too weak from the full moon."

"And Peter?"

"Love him but he'd be more of a liability than anything. Does Prongs know you both heard?"

"No, didn't tell him. I didn't want him to know I heard the other bit."

"Other bit?"

"About why he didn't want me to go."

"Oh.. you… heard that too then," he said looking about as awkward as Sirius Black _could_ look, which wasn't very. Still Lily picked up on it all the same. Clearly he thought of it the same way James had, as if it were a terminal illness inappropriate to discuss in front of her. She wanted to hug Sirius for caring but settle for something she knew he would more approve of. Seeing as she had discarded her cloak when she came in she opened his and closed herself inside it. "Cold," she said simply.

He responded the way she knew he would, by wrapping his arms around her for warmth and resting his chin atop her head.

"I want you to come, you know that from what you heard, but you really think it wise?"

"You let me deal with the curse, hmm? You don't worry your pretty little head about it. It's not an issue. It can't hurt me."

"You sure? You're not just saying that?"

"Sirius, I lie to a lot of people, but I've _never_ lied to you. No one, not even James, can make that claim."

"Really?"

"Truly. You are my complaining companion, my chuckling chum!" She leaned against him. "You are my confidant, and you've never let me down."

"Then care to confide in me one little thing?"

"What?"

"Are you pregnant?"

"No."

"Sure?"

"100 percent."

"And does Prongs know?"

"He does now."

"How did he take it?"

"Like a man."

Sirius chuckled. "What kind of answer is that?"

"What kind of question was that?" she countered.

Sirius shrugged. "Fair enough. You really should turn around, Cariad, and enjoy the view. It is half the reason I brought you up here." She turned around to look out and he hugged her from behind as she leaned up against the ornate railing. "Can't see nearly as many stars here as in the astronomy tower but…" he apologised.

"It's lovely," she reassured him.

After a minute he began, "So about those mines…"

x

"And she said 'Is that a wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?' To make my point I pull the wand out of my pocket, show it to her and tell her to piss off. Honestly, the old bird must have been twice my age. You know a woman's desperate when she starts trying to chat _me_ up," said Peter. James grinned. Sirius would have enjoyed that story. Where was he anyway?

"Where has Sirius got to with my…" He didn't want to call her his girlfriend because that seemed a grossly deficient understatement. It didn't do their relationship justice. He had used the word once or twice in his head for simplicity's sake but the word 'girlfriend' made it seem so common, childish even. 'Fiancée' seemed to carry the right amount of weight but he hadn't fully proposed. 'Beloved' worked well enough but his friends would laugh him out of the house if he called her that all the time. "With Lily," he settled on finally.

"Balcony," Remus answered.

"Woops, has Sirius stolen your girl?" Peter teased. James shot him a glare before heading upstairs.

"Best not joke about that particular topic, mate," Remus advised.

"Oh right…"

James could only see the sole outline of Sirius leaning against the balustrade. Sliding open the door he stepped out and asked, "Where'd Lily go?"

"I've got her," he replied, holding out a lock of lengthy red hair for James to see. James approached and leaned over to see Lily carefully tucked away in Sirius's robes, shivering only slightly. James didn't allow Peter's taunt to get to him, of course he didn't, but he was a human and he did feel a slightly human reaction when he saw them together. It didn't help that they looked _good_ together. Both of them were beautiful specimens of their sex and they complimented each other. Of course it was almost a comfort that they stayed that way. If they had jumped apart when he arrived then that would mean they felt guilty and were trying to hide something. The fact that they hadn't moved at all when he came upon them meant they didn't feel they had anything to hide. Not that he thought anything was going on. He trusted them both implicitly but he couldn't stop being a man. No matter how much he loved them both he might always feel a bit irked when he saw her in another man's arms.

"But that's not the same thing," Lily said, clearly continuing an argument he, James had interrupted. "They are _goblin_ mines. The entrance will be protected in the traditional _gobline_ way. Runes and Gobbledygook! We won't _need_ wands."

"You don't think the You-know-who wouldn't add extra security precautions?"

"He has, or do you think that the dementors landed there by accident."

"Yes but I doubt that is the only step he's taken. He will have protected the entrance."

"You don't suppose He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named will crouch and crawl though the goblin entrance do you? He'll have his own meant for him and his death eaters. Perhaps he apparates directly into the caverns. He disapparated away when he left us on top of the cliff after all."

"So we crawl?"

"We crawl."

"Sounds like an interesting conversation," James commented.

"Working out logistics," Lily told him.

"Perhaps tomorrow when the lads aren't here, eh?" he suggested.

"True," Sirius acknowledge. "Bad form to stay out here neglecting others."

x

Inside and several drinks later both James and Sirius were belting "Leave it to the House Elves" not really getting the words right except for what passed as the chorus.

"Don't do it yourself, leave it to an elf! And we with do your chores!"

"Chores! Chores!" everyone but Lily and Remus shouted. Seeing this, Lily chose to sit herself next to him while the others carried on.

"You are going soon?"

"Tomorrow. Sirius was going to tell you later."

"Sorry I can't come."

"Don't worry about it, we all know you would. Feel bad for leaving Peter out though."

"I hate to say this, but after years of hanging out with James and Sirius, I'd say Peter has gotten rather used to being left out."

"That's terrible. He's your friend."

"True, but those two have been stuck together since first year. I'd say Peter is accustomed it by now."

"Doesn't that make him a bit… bitter? I know I would be."

"If he is he doesn't show it. Wormtail's a sound chap, he wouldn't let something like that affect him I don't think."

"What about you?"

"What?"

"How would you feel? I mean, you practically live with Sirius and both of them clearly love you dearly, but if you were Peter, and were left out of things because you weren't as clever or talented or… well… let's face it as handsome as your other three friends, how could that not hurt? Most men might grow a bit resentful."

"Perhaps he's just a better man than most."


	50. In Which There is an Unexpected Hero

**Chapter 50: In which there is an Unexpected Hero**

They spent the next day planning and brainstorming; sorting through the trunk full of things Lily had brought, deciding on the things they should and shouldn't bring. Lily went out and bought a few things like a torch and cigarette lighter.

"What is this?" Sirius asked.

"It's a lighter."

"A lighter?"

"Yes, you press the button and a flame appears."

Sirius pushed the button. "Doesn't work."

"You have to flick and then push."

He tried it. "Still doesn't work."

"You have to flick and push it immediately after, like this," she said taking the lighter from him and showing him how it was done.

"And it's not magical?" James asked.

"Most mundane thing in the muggle world. They won't be able to detect it. Nor the torch. Just slide this up, and _voila_, light without lumos, just as undetectable."

Sirius and James inspected these items with interest. "We really don't give muggles enough credit. A dictionary, dear?" James asked inspecting the volume.

"Gobbledygook. I don't know about you but mine's a little rusty," she said sarcastically.

"I think the dictionary should stay," Sirius opined.

"What about the runes?"

"Do goblins really use runes?" Sirius asked James.

"She's done more research on goblin mines than I have," he said shrugging. "So I suppose so."

"Did either of you take Ancient Runes in school?" she asked.

"No, neither of us."

"I gave it up last year. It's been a while but I think I could manage if I had a dictionary."

"So the dictionary stays?" James asked.

"Dictionary stays," Sirius agreed.

And so it continued until time came for them to leave.

x

The cloak really wasn't big enough for three grown adults, so they had to crouch down so their feet weren't visible. Not only that but they had to whisper.

Lily had done a location spell while in the castle and tried to pinpoint the location on the map, but such spells over such long distances weren't always accurate. It was two hours of creeping through the dark before they finally found it. Before they _stumbled over it_, actually. He bit off the very loud swearword he had been about to say when he toe collided painfully with one of the various stone protrusions coming from the patterned rock formation in the ground.

"You were right," Sirius said softly. "_Runes_."

"Better runes than a Gobbledygook password. We'd never know what it was and even if we did wait around and listened for a goblin to say it we'd never be able to pronounce it properly."

"Ow," James complained.

"You alright?"

"Fine, except I think I'm one toe less then when we started."

"Can you read it?" Sirius asked Lily.

"I can't see it, James, can light be seen through the cloak?"

"No."

"Right then, hand me the torch."

"The what?"

"The light stick."

"Ah." He withdrew the instrument from his pocket and all three hunkered down to examine it.

"Of for pity's sake…" she hissed exasperatedly.

"What?"

"It's a riddle. A… a play on _runes_ if you will. Damn."

"What does it say?"

"It says… 'When you take it from one you has it, you both have it. If you don't take it from one who has it, you still have it. If someone gives it to you, they are not your friend. It's the only thing you should accept from your enemies.'"

"It looks like you have to fit the answer in there, like a key," said Sirius picking up the stone James had tripped over.

"Well there are only 20 or so keys. I suppose we could look them all up and see which answer fits."

They began picking up each individual stone to look them up and see if they fit. 15 stones later and still nothing they could agree upon.

"Well the answer is obviously nothing," Lily said, "But nothing isn't here."

"Orous," James said picking the stone.

Lily looked at him surprised that he had even recognised the rune. "That means everything. That certainly doesn't fit the riddle."

"No, you are thinking of Orus. This is _Orous_. Up until last year wizards translated the two runes the same way even though the meanings are completely different. They just assumed that 'absence' and 'nothing' were the same rune, _Koplos_ when really there were two different words. _Koplos _and _Orous_. This one."

Lily looked at him with such praise, adoration, awe, and desire that James momentarily forgot what they were supposed to be doing. Sirius seemed to pick up on the sudden tension between the two and immediately broke it.

"Knock it off, you two. We don't have time for any romantic interludes."

"Sorry," she said looking away, putting the dictionary back in her pocket.

James cleared his throat and turned his attention back to the stone circle, carefully placing the rune in the slot. Slowly the stone melded with the surrounding rock and a small opened grew in the bolder beside them.

The entry was a small one, not only short but also very narrow. Much too narrow for his or Sirius's shoulders to fit through.

"I think I can fit," Lily said, starting to crawl out from under the cloak and into the tunnel. James grabbed her by the hips to stop her. "No you don't, you can't go in by yourself. We all go or no one goes."

"Just a quick look to see what there is to see. I'll come right back."

"No."

"James are you letting personal feelings getting the way of professionalism?" Sirius hissed under his breath so Lily couldn't hear. James grimaced. Yes, he was. If it were just him and Sirius, he'd go in himself, or let Sirius go in alone. Even if it were Dorcas or Marlene he'd let them go.

"Fine. Just a quick look and then come back and we'll try to find another entrance."

Lily kissed him to relieve that remaining bit of longing. James kissed her back but she broke away sooner than he would have wanted. On hands and knees she crawled the rest of the way out from under then cloak and squeezed herself into the opening. James heard the small rumble and knew what was about to happen but he couldn't stop the boulder from shutting behind her, sealing away the entrance.

"Shit," James said angrily, punching the boulder. To make matters worse, the stones beneath them began to move and change. Now there was a new riddle, with a new set of possible answers. Even with the dictionary they didn't stand much of a chance, without out it he and Sirius were completely without hope.

"Come on," James said getting up, taking a dark detector from his pocket. "If You-know-who made another entrance we are going to find it."

x

Lily didn't even have enough room to turn around to try to see if there was a way she could reopen the entrance. She would just have to go down the tunnel until she found a place she could turn around.

She belly crawled for ages. The corridor was long and not lit so she would stop to flick her lighter, just to see if anything had changed or if there was another opening. When she did stop she couldn't hear a sound. It was quieter than any place she had ever been. She had thought that being alone in the library at night was the definition of silence but she didn't notice until now all the sounds that she would hear had she been in the castle. The wind from outside, the dripping for a distant pipe. Long travelling echoes from isolated or remote parts of the castle that had bounced down the walls into her eardrums, so subtle she didn't even know she had heard it. But now, the only thing she could hear was her heart beating, and the curse whispering. Although that wasn't really a sound she heard with her ears.

She continued her slow progress, pulling herself forward with her elbows and wiggling her hips to keep moving. She wondered how long this trip took for goblins, they could walk upright and easily. How long had she been in there now, half an hour?

She saw a pinprick of light up ahead, followed by an odd distorted echo that sounded worryingly like a scream of pain. Perhaps that was Lily's imagination from being in silence for so long. Rather she _hoped_ it had been her imagination but some ill foreboding told her it hadn't been.

She approached even more slowly than she had been going before, trying her hardest not to make any sound at all. Her progress was minute, but constant and silent. She passed two tunnels on her way but they were even smaller and by that time she was too curious to see what was at the end of hers.

The cry came again, but this time it was accompanied by dialogue. Well, a monologue really, because one couldn't really count shrieks of pain a proper response.

The tunnel finally ended the open out into an enormous glittering cavern. Lily wasn't paying attention to the surroundings though, she was focused on the man hanging upside down in the air, the firelight casting shadows over his face made the agony thereon look even more terrifying.

She suspected he was a muggle by the way he was dressed, and you-know-who conversed with him easily, as if the man's blood curdling screams didn't bother him at all. _They don't_, Lily remembered. She didn't know if Voldemort enjoyed it, but he certainly didn't mind it.

"But of course you wouldn't understand that, being a muggle. But _this_," he said holding a gorgeous blood read stone in the air, "which you will be a part of soon enough will be your greatest achievement. Your life, will be mine."

Lily hadn't been moving, but ever particle of her being froze in horror as she felt something enormous _slither _over her. Had her vocal chords not been paralysed with the rest of her she would have screamed in terror.

The giant serpent stopped when face to face with her. Lily's mind was a complete blank. She might have been in more dangerous situations, she didn't know; but she did know that she had never been more petrified in her entire life.

The snake flicked out its forked tongue, barely catching the tip of her nose as it tasted her scent before it moved on as if completely uninterested in her.

The man began screaming again this time in terror of seeing the large snake, not that Lily could tell that he had been screaming in pain, she had just assumed. Perhaps it was Voldemort's speech that terrified him so, for Lily couldn't tell that the Dark Lord had cursed him in anyway save for his being upside down and bound in a glowing sort of rope.

"Quiet my friend, I can't hear what she is saying over your shouting," Voldemort commanded, almost kindly to the distressed muggle. He pointed his wand at the man and gagged him though, not waiting for him to fall silent on his own. He was probably correct in assuming the man wasn't about to stop screaming.

The snake made hissing snake noises and to Lily's continued horror, _Voldemort hissed back;_ just as easily as if he were a serpent himself. _He is a serpent_, Lily thought. His eyes, his voice, his speech, his low down slithering ways.

"A woman, she tells me!" Voldemort said with delight to the man, who probably wasn't listening. "Nagini has found a woman in the goblin's passage. What could she be doing there I wonder. Let us ask…"

'Shit shit shit!' Lily thought desperately. Frantically she fiddled with the chain around her neck. If there was ever a time she needed luck now was it. And she'd need every ounce she could get. She fumbled urgently to open the tiny vial and bring it to her lips.

A single drop touched her tongue before she was yanked from her hole, pulled magically into the centre of the cave. She hung there in the air helplessly, her desperately needed splash of luck now dripped down her cheek from where it had spilled. She was about to reach her hand to her face to try to lick it from her hands but sudden ropes bound her as they did the man next to her.

She understood now _why_ he had been screaming. The 'glowing rope' burned like fire. There were no flames, no way to put it out. Her clothes weren't singed by the contact, it simply _burned _unendurably.

She didn't scream. She _wouldn't_ scream. She wouldn't give him that satisfaction, if indeed he got any from it.

She stopped thrashing about when she saw several goblin bodies littering the ground beneath her. Whatever he had needed them for he clearly didn't need them now. She was disgusted. She wanted to vomit but she was too numbed with shock, pain, and fear.

"Ah… a pleasure to see you again. Tonight is your lucky night," he said. Lily could only pray that it proved to be so but she highly doubted that she and the dark lord had even remotely similar ideas of what would be 'lucky'. Perhaps that meant her death would be quick and relatively painless. "For you have the great privilege to be the first to witness something extra-ordinary. Do you see this?" he asked holding the stone before her in all its perfection. She couldn't help it. Despite the pain, despite the fear, she wanted that stone for herself. There was something about it. Besides the fact that it was perfect in every way and just about the most beautiful thing she had ever seen, she knew how much potential a stone like that actually had.

Voldemort lowered the precious thing and Lily's eyes followed it, transfixed. She felt a sense of amusement in her mind that wasn't her own.

"I sense you appreciate what I've found."

"What the _goblins_ found," she corrected as viciously as she could. 'Fool, hold your tongue. Sassing him isn't going to get your anywhere other than on the ground with the goblins,' she told herself.

"They have served their purpose," he said indicating the corpses on the ground as if he had been reading her thoughts. "You on the other hand might still prove useful."

Lily didn't know what he meant by that but she was certain it couldn't be anything good.

"Now we begin the main event. This muggle here is named Tom, isn't that right?"

Tom couldn't answer, being bound and gagged, he simply trembled.

"I dislike that name, not that your fate would be any different if you were called anything else. You are still a muggle. Look here, Miss Evans. You are about to witness my triumph."

He raised his wand to the man, but he didn't say Avada Kedavra as Lily expected. He said something Lily didn't understand but the results were so shocking and deplorable as to make Lily forget she hadn't heard.

There was a loud ripping sound and poor Tom fell limp, still suspended in the air by his burning bonds, but it was clear that the life was no longer in him. Lily knew this because she could see it. As a dementor sucks out one's soul, Voldemort had torn the man's very life force from his body. The energy flowed through the air and into that stone. The fact that it could contain a human life was proof of it's perfection. It's one thing to hold a killing curse or protective love, but an actual human life was another matter entirely.

It wasn't the philosopher's stone, nor was it a horcrux; but the frightening bastard child of both.

She didn't want it anymore. She didn't want anywhere near it. Once again Voldemort seemed to read her mind and approached her with the stone, putting it to her clean cheek. She thrashed about to get it away, to break the contact. The pain of her bonds was worth suffering through. She felt it, the life, the force that had once been the muggle Tom in that stone, she felt it spread tingling warmth into her cheek. If she hadn't known what it was she would have considered it a pleasant sensation. Since she did know she felt nothing but abject repugnance. The ropes around her middle, ankles and wrists exhausted her, and she stopped struggle, too weak to continue.

"I've done it. _This_," he said caressing the stone, "is the key to eternal life. I've created finally a way to conquer Death. So long as I have lives in here, and this stone is mine, Death can never find me. Extended life feels good, doesn't it?"

He put the stone against her skin again. The shock wasn't as powerful before, probably because he (and sadly she too) had already absorbed it. Still she used what strength she had left to struggle away from it again, wandlessly pushing his hand away.

"You reject my generous gift?" he asked in mock surprise. She doubted he knew what generosity truly felt like. "You know it doesn't have to be this way. You could join me. Why don't you? I would keep a special place for you. A rare creature, muggle born and yet so strong. Like myself."

Lily stopped struggling. "You're a…"

"Half. I admit to you I am a half blood."

"Why are you telling me this?" she asked, her head rolling forward as he neck muscles finally gave out.

"Join me," he said, not answering her question. His tone was no longer shrill and threatening but soft and cajoling. Somehow that made him seem even more sinister. "I will give you until morning to decide. You will join me either way. Serve me of your own will, or deny me and your life will be mine anyway."

Lily didn't remember anymore after that; she must have passed out. When she awoke she had no idea what time it was, or how much longer she had until morning. She was so deep in the earth she couldn't tell if it was day or not, nor did she know how long she had been unconscious. Her burning bonds were still holding her, splayed the way she used to lay in the snow when she made snow angels. She and Petunia used to make snow angels during the winter…

She'd never make snow angels again, she knew that now. She wouldn't join Voldemort and he would rip the life from her as ruthlessly as he had Tom's.

A man approached, a Death Eater. He didn't come close enough for her to spit on him but she tried anyway. He must have been sent to check on her, make sure she was still there, for once having seen her he turned and walked away.

At least he wasn't bringing her back to Voldemort. She still had some time left. But what good would that time do her? Every time she struggled the ropes of non-fire burned, the areas around her wrists, ankles and stomach felt raw, blistered and scorched, as if the flesh there had been burned away.

She was on the verge of passing out again, her head drooped and she couldn't bring it back up again. She hadn't even told James she loved him. What a fool she had been; afraid of saying something so simple, so true; afraid to admit to the best thing in her life. She fell against the bonds again, losing all of her own strength. Amid the fiery pain she heard the necklace whispering weakly in her soul again.

She was too shattered to be surprised, but she would have been if she hadn't been about to fall away again. 'Not yet,' it had said before flickering out completely. _Not yet_…

x

After an agonizing hour of fruitless searching the dark detector finally went off. The two men froze under the cloak as a Death Eater approached. Sirius watched as his best friend hastily deactivated the dark detector so it would stop making sounds and they followed silently the robed figure. An entrance suddenly appeared as another Death Eater exited. The first didn't go in, he must have just been waiting for his comrade, but James and Sirius slipped in before the portal shut again.

The mines were like a maze. They wove and turned, twisted and bended, wondering aimlessly in a direction they hoped would lead them to Lily.

If the hour they had spent trying to find the entrance had been agonizing, wandering through the underground for another four was downright unbearable. Sirius was wracked with unease and worry for Lily; he couldn't even imagine how James must have been feeling. Still, they needed a better plan; wandering around in a dark labyrinth wasn't getting them anywhere but lost.

"James, mate," he whispered sadly. "We aren't going to find her this way."

"What other way do you suggest?" he snarled.

"I don't know, but we'll be lucky if we can even find our way back out, let alone where Lily is."

James stopped walking and Sirius ran into him. "That's it!" his friend whispered jubilantly, slapping Sirius on the chest. "Luck! Luck is what we need!"

James reached into his robes and pulled a chain out, followed closely by a vial that was attached. He unscrewed it and downed it, pouring the gold liquid directly down his throat. James sighed happily as he tucked it back beneath his robes. "This way."

Sirius had no choice but to trust in his friend, and follow where he led. Considering they had spent over four hours getting no where, the next 45 minutes seemed to be rather speedy. Sirius heard his friend's breath catch in his chest, and a moment later he saw why.

Gold white ropes tied to each wrist and each ankle seemed to draw her, except that they weren't pulling. Her red hair tumbled over her fallen head, hiding her face from their view. Sirius was the one to shake himself first. He nudged his friend, trying to get him to go to her. James came out of his daze and they started after her, but they stopped again when a Death Eater approached.

He wasn't masked and Sirius recognised him immediately.

"_Snivellus_!" he hissed furiously starting to lunge forward to attack. James caught him and held him back.

"Wait!" he whispered. "Wait until he leaves and then we'll go."

"If he hurts her I swear I will rip his slimy little…" The words died away in his mouth, which hung agape in disbelief at what his saw his oldest enemy do.

With a wave of his wand her bindings vanished and he caught her before she hit the ground. He brushed the hair out of her face. "Lily? Lily!"

"Severus?" she replied weakly, barely managing to lift her head to look up at him.

"What are you doing here? I thought I told you to stay out of it."

"Hmm?" her head rolled to one side again; into Snape's shoulder, actually.

"Come on, Lil Bit. You don't have time. You have to go, _now_. In a little while I am going to have to tell them you are gone, and when I do I want you to be. Not just gone, but _long_ gone, do you understand?" he said helping her to her feet.

"Yes," she said sounding slightly stronger. That determination that they were so used to hearing edging back into her voice.

"Can you make it alone?"

"I don't have much of a choice, now do I? I don't know the way though."

Snape conjured a piece of paper which began folding itself into a origami bird which floated in the air in front of her. "It will show you out. Hurry. Quick as you can."

"What about the others?"

"There are others?" he asked, his eyes narrowing. Lily didn't respond. "Oh well, I can just blame your escape on them. Now go. I'll get killed eventually for this."

"Then why do you keep doing it?"

"Merlin only knows. Just don't make me do it again."

"Thank you, Severus."

"Go on!" he said pushing her hastily towards the bird that was floating away. "Quickly!"

Snape turned around and stalked away and Lily began weakly stumbling towards them. James went immediately to her, forgetting the cloak and took one of her arms and put it around his waist to support her and hurry her walking.

With the help of the paper crane they were out of the maze within 10 minutes, everyone hiding under the cloak when they exited. They didn't speak at all, going as quickly as they dared (which was rather quicker than Lily could manage.) Her legs kept giving out and James had to keep carrying her parts of the way. Sirius was sure that their feet were visible; in their haste they didn't bother crouching down or taking the time necessary to stay completely hidden.

Sirius ground the gears loudly when they started off. He was so furious he had only barely controlled his temper. He tried, he honestly did, but it was just so insulting, so wrong, so disloyal.

Snape. _Snape_ of all people. Why, out of everyone in the world did it have to be him?

He drove for a few minutes until they were out of the city, but unable to bear it anymore he pulled over to the side of the road.

"Why have we stopped?" James asked, cradling the little traitor in his arms.

"What the hell was that, Evans?" he bellowed angrily. "_Snape_? **Snape**! You are in contact with **_Snape_**? A Death Eater? You know what he is! What he does! How could you?!"

"Sirius, it's not like that."

"Damned looks like it! Looks like he just saved your life! Care to explain that one?" he yelled again.

"No," she replied.

"Not good enough!" he roared.

"I knew him once. We grew up together. He was like a brother to me," she explained reluctantly.

"A what?" Sirius asked, horrified. Sirius had never experienced jealousy before in his life, but it burned within him now. _He_ was supposed to be the one she looked up to, the one who protected her, the one who…

"It was a long time ago. This was the first time I've seen him in years. We had a falling out."

"And after all those years and the falling out he still risks his life to save you?"

"I suppose so."

"And what about you?" he fired at her angrily.

"What _about_ me?"

"After all these years, what about you?"

"I'm grateful for what he did."

"Don't lie! You care for the cretin! Admit it! James stop coddling her, she's betrayed us both!"

x

Lily wanted to run away, might have had her legs had the strength to carry her. They had seen, her most carefully kept shameful secret was now known to the two people she wanted to keep it from the most.

"Sirius, stop this."

"No! He's a detestable Death Eater and you... you..."

"Because we grew up in the same neighbourhood that makes me a traitor? Sirius, you are more important to me than he is! I love you!"

"Oh and that's supposed to make me feel better, is it? Doesn't make me very special, apparently you love everyone, even Snape!" he spat.

James hadn't said anything. She didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. She couldn't help but count in her mind. 2 minutes. She clambered out of the side care to stand next to him, commanding her legs not to wobble or give out.

She looked at him and he started back for a long time. His eyes had never been so steely. "Sirius, remember what I told you yesterday?"

"Ha! How can I trust a word you say?"

"Sirius, please," she begged, losing her nerve. Three minutes. She prayed she wouldn't get to six. James had said it was five or forever.

"Please what? Please forget I learned the truth?"

"Please _understand_."

"Oh I understand perfectly, Evans."

"You don't otherwise you wouldn't be doing this!"

She knew Sirius felt betrayed, knew that in his eyes this was the ultimate proof that women couldn't be trusted. She, the one woman he had allowed into his heart, had wounded him deeply.

"Sirius, I know I hurt you, but I didn't do it on purpose! I didn't know you when I was 3. If I could change my past I would completely omit him from it! I wish I had never met him! I regret every single day of my life that we were ever close! You think I'm proud of having loved a Death Eater? Think that it gives me satisfaction that they asked me to join them? **Do you think it doesn't kill me knowing that it's my fault they murdered my parents for having refused them!**" She didn't know if the tears that fell were of rage or misery. Both emotions seemed to swirl within her as one. "I was a stupid child! I didn't know! I didn't think! I know better now. My eyes are open and Sirius I swear on James's life that you are so much more important to me. I _need_ you."

Sirius stood there with his arms crossed, staring at her inscrutably. He hid his every thought from her. Lily was beginning to panic now. How long at it been? 4 minutes? 5?

"Sirius…" she said reaching out for him. He gripped her wrist forcefully, stopping her from touching him and flung it away. Despite herself she cried out in pain as his hand and the fabric of her robes irritated the blistering abrasions on her wrist. She withdrew her arm quickly, cradling it against her chest.

"Sorry!" he said immediately, taking her arm back more carefully to examine more carefully her injury. Lily sighed in relief. If he was worried about hurting her than he hadn't blocked her out. He still loved her, still cared. "I… didn't know."

She was still crying. Merlin she cried a lot, but she was so happy not to have lost Sirius she couldn't help it. She flung herself into him and hugged him tightly.

x

James knew that Sirius and Lily had an interesting and unique dynamic, so he simply left them to their own.

The scrap of parchment was still in his pocket, he felt it there, crackly and dry against his fingers. He knew what it said and now he know who had sent it.

**_You should have stayed 'dead.' You were safer that way. They won't be happy about this._**

**_S_**

He had once saved Snape's life, and Snape had repaid that debt and more now having done the same for one whose life was more precious than his own. How could he truly hate Severus now having seen the good he was capable of? Never in their seven years together had James ever seen Snape act that way, heard him speak that way.

James didn't feel betrayed. She had kept it from him but that wasn't anything new, and he could understand why she had. She was afraid he'd react as Sirius had. It was clear she was ashamed by it. He remembered asking her on the way to her sister's. It all made sense now. Several questions had been answered and he didn't love her any less for it.

She was still crying when she turned to him, hope and fear written plain on her face. To eradicate her fears he smiled at her. "See? Sirius can listen to reason. Let's get out of here. Snape said to be _long_ gone and I don't know about you but this isn't exactly what I would consider a comfortable distance yet."

She sighed and smiled weakly. He held out his arms, inviting her back into the side car where she clumsily got it and melted into him.

"Oh James, I'm so tired. Voldemort, he… he…"

"Shh... Rest. You can tell us what happened when we get to Sirius's," he whispered, smoothing down her hair and giving the top of her head a kiss.

"_I love you,_" she said, voice barely even a whisper. He kissed her closed eyelid and they set off again.

As they continued their way home Lily fell asleep and James composed an ode to Horace Slughorn and Felix Felicis.

_He hadn't lost her_.


	51. In Which Lily Isn't Lily

**Chapter 51: Tom**

Once in London, Sirius climbed off his bike and went round to the side to take the sleeping Lily off James so the man could clamber out of the side car before taking the girl back.

"Lily?" Sirius asked tentatively, poking her.

"Shh, don't wake her, we don't know what she's been through," James said turning his back to Sirius, as if turning away would be able to stop any sound from reaching her.

Sirius ran an uncertain hand through his hair. 'That's precisely what bothers me,' he thought. "She's usually a light sleeper though," he said, giving her another poke.

James gave him a half glower as Sirius opened the door for them.

"She's exhausted," he explained. "Where's Remus?"

"If he's not on the couch then I don't know. Out perhaps."

x

'Usually a light sleeper, puh. He's saying that on purpose,' James thought bitterly as he placed her on the couch. "We'll rest a bit before going on, eh?"

"Right..."

Sirius stalked off into the kitchen and James unable to think of anything useful to do, followed.

Sirius had his wand out and on the smooth counter top the paper crane flapped feebly, not with nearly enough force necessary to lift itself into the air. Its beak was squashed and neck was bent, broken from the journey in Sirius' pocket. It was a pitiful sight.

Next moment a spark jumped from Sirius' wand, lighting the origami bird's wing tip. The flame slowly spread, consuming the rest of its body.

James looked up at his friend, who only glowered back as if to say 'What? Got a problem with it?'

No, James didn't have a problem with it. Not at all. In fact he reached into his own pocket to retrieve that crumpled bit of parchment, something he wouldn't mind adding to the bonfire...

It continued to flap and twitch, struggling until the very end. James wondered if its last spasmodic movements only helped the fire spread more quickly. But what did it matter really. Lying down and waiting would still turn out the same result, it was doomed no matter what. _He might as well die fighting_.

The crane, that is. He, of course, didn't allow himself to have such thoughts. He had to be strong and optimistic for Lily's sake as well as his own.

**_You should have stayed 'dead.' You were safer that way. They won't be happy about this. _**

**_S _**

The note seemed to taunt him, sneering up at him from the countertop. Daring him to do it.

But it was Lily's letter; he didn't have the right to destroy it. He should show it to her. But how would she react? Would she be upset? Worse, would she be touched?

Next to the smudge that had once been the crane that had led them out of the mines the slip of parchment sat. 'Rather weighty for just a slip of paper,' James thought. To burn, or not to burn? He knew what he _wanted_ to do well enough, but he was in contrast, also equally and painfully aware of what he _should _do. Give it to Lily and let her get rid of it or keep it as she saw fit.

But would she actually keep it? James knew by exploration she had kept _his_ letters, would she keep this one as well? And yet she had told Sirius she wanted nothing to do with Snape. So what was the harm in destroying a little note she didn't even know existed? It might be saving her more pain.

He growled and rumpled his already messed up hair as he glared and the polemical parchment. He was rationalising again and he knew it. He'd just give it to her when she awoke, even if it only served to remind her that Snape had been the one to save her and not him.

The note at which he had been glaring burst into flames. It didn't start from any one place and spread to the rest like it had the bird. Instead, the entire thing seemed to go up all at once, blazed for one powerful second and the next was nothing but a black smear and a wisp of smoke.

'Well, no use debating it now,' he thought. Sirius had made the decision for him apparently.

"Thanks, Padfoot."

"I didn't do it," he replied, pointing at his wand securely replaced inside his pocket to prove it.

"Oh..." How embarrassing. He only just now understood how ashamed Lily had been about _her_ accidental magic. He was a grown man. He should be able to control his emotions, not let them run away with him. He shouldn't lose control at his age. And in his profession! That was even more shameful. A professor/auror should be able to contain and control his magic.

The most shameful of all, however, was that when it came down to it, it had been his selfishness that won out. It hadn't been like Lily's self preservation, nor was it anything good like protecting from danger; it hadn't even been righteous anger. No, it had been utterly and entirely selfish. He had let happen what _he_ wanted, not what he knew was right. He rumpled his hair awkwardly and cleared away 'the evidence' of his little 'accident'. Sirius said nothing about it, and for that he was grateful.

Sirius grabbed two glasses and a bottle of something that looked rather potent and placed them on the tabletop. Despite the strength of the beverage he filled both glasses half way full.

"We'll have to go back in a bit."

"So?"

"Don't drink and fly."

"I doubt the air traffic will be too terrible," he said sarcastically. "And that's just to keep fools from sliding off their brooms. Besides, it's just the one."

More like three, but James accepted the glass and clinked it with Sirius' all the same.

"Cheers," said Sirius, taking a sip.

It was silent for a while, both men too troubled by their own thoughts to share them. After several minutes (and several more sips) Sirius did make the attempt.

"You know how she said..." he began but paused. His brows furrowed as he stared at the glass in his hand. He took another swallow and made another attempt. "Might they have..." Yet again he couldn't finish. He sighed angrily and gave it one more go. "What if You-Know-Who..." he stopped a third time. Frustrated, he downed the rest of his drink, slammed the glass on the table and growled, "Never mind," before storming out of the kitchen, pounding up the stairs and slamming his bedroom door behind him.

James knew Sirius would never actually _say_ that he was worried, but it had only just now occurred to him (after seeing the man struggle so) that perhaps Padfoot simply didn't know how.

James took his glass with him into the living room where he sat in the armchair next to the couch where Lily lay.

He'd give her another hour to rest. Of course the next leg to Hogwarts would take hours and she could rest then too, but that just isn't the same as a few good hours in a quiet, warm, comfortable place.

He sipped his drink and wondered if they might chance apparating to Hogwarts instead. It seemed safe enough. Anyone interested in them knew that's where they'd be going anyway, and once they did they would be safe in the castle. If Lily didn't feel up to it they could always do side-alo...

"Hey!" he exclaimed aloud as the idea struck him. He sloshed his drink which stained his trousers but he distractedly cleaned it away with a careless wave of his wand.

Apparition, was when one person splits space, exiting one location to enter another. Side-along apparition was simply taking a person along with you through the rip you've already created for yourself. It doesn't involve them making their own. Therefore the 'side-along' person would, in theory, be undetectable. They wouldn't be able to tell when you were apparating solo or with someone else.

What an excellent realisation. He knew his magical theory was sound, but he wished there was some safe way to test it, but knew there probably wasn't. He remembered that Dumbledore had said that Portkeys _were_ detectable. James had never really given much thought to the magical mechanics of Portkeys, but now that he was thinking about it he imagined Dumbledore was right. (Not that he ever doubted.) Portkeys created portals for each person using the conduit, whatever that happened to be. The sensation of travelling by Portkey was a good enough indicator of that. It wasn't being squeezed through space, it was having a space created for each person touching the object at the time, and going through that channel. Everyone touching the vehicle would have their own little path created for them, that's why they could let go and get off and anytime… Therefore everyone would be detectable. Pity this did him no good now. Both he and Lily were most certainly being monitored.

James heard a door open. Not Sirius'.

Remus' thin frame was etched in the doorway. Had the bones in his face always been that prominent? That striking? Perhaps it was just the light. He put a finger to his lips, to stop his friend from greeting him too loudly.

X

When Remus walked into the residence where he was currently squatting (or so it felt) his first reaction had been pleasure to see James and Lily safely back. He was about to enquire after Sirius when James put a finger to his lips. Remus nodded and closed the door quietly.

"Sirius?" he whispered in enquiry.

"Upstairs," he replied, unnecessarily pointing his thumb upwards.

"Everyone alright?"

"Think so."

"How did it go?"

James didn't answer; he merely shrugged and said "hmm." A frustrating response. Remus had been hoping for more information. Or _any_ information for that matter. He frowned and took his seat in the last remaining chair. James put his glass down in front of him.

"You can have it if you like," he said leaning back and getting comfortable. He shut his eyes and sighed. Remus glanced at the clock. It wasn't even 10 in the morning and they were already drinking?

'Hmm,' indeed, Remus thought. What was he not telling him? They all seemed to be exhausted, but were they weary from winning of drained from defeat? He frowned to himself. Leaving the glass untouched (for once) Remus left to seek his other friend upstairs. Perhaps Sirius would be awake and more willing to give information.

Remus was used to the house being still and quiet, having stayed there alone so often. Sirius was often out with women, or pretending to be out with women when he was actually working (Remus suspected his friend did a lot more for Witch Weekly than he let on.) But now it seemed extraordinarily silent, given that there were 5 people inside. As he trod up the stairs he was aware for the first time how much the third and 5th steps squeaked.

It wasn't just the fact that he had to be quiet. He was quiet most of the time, he didn't mind the silence. In fact he quite liked it. What made the quiet so uncomfortable was that there was something there that wasn't being spoken. It made the silence heavier and more oppressive, so much so that he flinched at the sound his knuckles made when he tapped lightly at Sirius' door.

Assuming that Sirius must be resting like the other two, Remus turned away, thinking he might dare to nap in one of the guest rooms seeing as Lily was currently occupying the couch. Sirius had often insisted he take a room, but that would be admitting that he lived here. And he was trying his best to find a job and get his own place, so he could stop depending on the generosity his friends for everything.

Thinking that he would just sit downstairs after all, he started descending the steps again when the door behind him opened. Sirius' eyebrows raised half way, mimicking his half surprise. "Moony," he said, standing back from the door, opening it further to let him enter. "Do, come in."

Feeling unusually nervous, he did so. "Is something really the matter?" Remus asked. "Prongs wouldn't tell me anything."

"Because he doesn't know anything," Sirius replied simply. Remus opened his mouth to make further enquiry but Sirius interrupted, answering the question he knew he was about to ask. "And neither do I."

"How can you not know?"

"Because we weren't there," he said with a sigh, falling gracefully into the scarlet sofa. With one leg dangling from the couch, the other bent so that his knee pointed to the ceiling, Sirius appeared as if he were at perfect ease, bored even. Remus knew this was not the case.

"Is she alright?"

"I don't know that either," he drawled. He noticed that Sirius was avoiding eye contact.

"Padfoot..."

"We were separated early on," he said heaving an exasperated sigh, as if knowing that Remus wouldn't let him off with just that. He waved his hand lazily in the air. "All we know is that she met You-Know-Who at some point during the night, when we finally found and freed her..."

"Freed her?"

"We left immediately. She mentioned something about He Who Must Not Be Named. That's it."

Remus highly doubted it, but it didn't seem as if he would be getting any more information. Still, he had been more informative than Prongs had been.

"I see," he said, giving his friend a look that would have been more impressive had he had spectacles to peer over. Not that it mattered, Sirius wouldn't look at him anyway. "Why haven't you asked her?"

"What an excellent question, Moony!" he said with false spirit. Uh oh, he had pushed too far. That biting sarcasm was proof enough.

"Sorry," he apologised. "I don't think I understand."

"Neither do I, mate. Neither do I." His voice had lowered once more and he pinched the bridge of his nose where it met his brow, as if he had a headache. He probably did. Sirius had always been oh so particular about getting his sleep and it was obvious that he hadn't gotten any.

Without saying anything else, Remus nodded (not that Sirius would have seen) and left the room. James was clearly sleeping he noted as he walked through the living room to the kitchen. He put the bottle back in its place and searched for something rather more substantial to fill his stomach.

Merlin he was so tired. He hated always being so tired. He always missed out on things. Thinking he would simply nap instead of eat more of Sirius' food, he went back to the living room and plunked down into the chair. He studied the sleeping girl for a moment before he too drifted off.

It would be another hour before Sirius finally cracked and the terrible perfect silence would be broken...

x

It takes a lot of noise to wake James, and it was a mighty loud SMACK that did. Jumping out of his seat, it took a minute for him to realise what had happened. Sirius was standing over Lily, holding one hurt hand in the other. He had slapped her. He was about to start yelling at his friend when he realised that Lily was still asleep, which was why Sirius had probably done it to begin with. The relief in knowing that she hadn't felt the slap didn't compare with the fear in knowing what Sirius was about to tell him.

"As I thought. She won't wake. Bloody..." but he didn't finish the invective. He simply ran a stinging red hand through his hair. Remus was standing beside them too, frowning. "Well, what do we do, then? St. Mungo's? Seeing as how it's here in London? Much shorter by bike."

"We'll apparate. To Hogwarts."

"Too chancy."

"One of you will take Lily, the other will take me. I don't think we will be detected that way."

"You sure?"

"Not entirely, no. But at this point, I don't really care."

"Well you should. Being rash and acting without thinking gets one into trouble," said Sirius with a touch of ire in his voice. It was a not so subtle reminder that struck James painfully. He gave the matter thought and came to the conclusion that this wasn't at all the same as when he left on Christmas day.

"We'll be safe once we are inside Hogwarts grounds anyway. And I don't fancy taking her to St. Mungo's." Not if he was going to have to be at Hogwarts or the ministry half the time. He wanted her nearer by.

Somehow James knew Sirius would be the one to take Lily. He made no complaint; not that Sirius would have heard him if he had. He was gone before James had even glanced at Remus to ask if he would take him. After they heard Padfoot leave he had no other choice than to go with Moony, so he didn't even bother.

Uncharacteristically, Sirius was levitating her instead of carrying her himself. He tromped as though in a furious temper across the lawns from Hogsmeade to the castle. Remus and James jogged after him.

In the hospital wing James waited, knowing that Madame Pomfrey was going to say something about him bringing Lily in again and he meant to cut her off immediately with something he had already composed in his head. She only got so far as "Potter..." when he interrupted her with his speech.

"It was Lord Voldemort's doing, not mine. And no, I don't know what, so save your chiding remarks for naughty children and direct your attention to actually helping."

The healer, effectively silenced began removing Lily's over robe. It was nasty business. The puss from her burns had dried, sticking her to her clothes, so that when Madame Pomfrey removed them they were ripped off and began to ooze again. It would have been painful had she been able to feel it. The worse one was the ring around her middle. It was nauseating to look at and the marauders turned their backs the let the iron stomached healer do her job. Unfortunately, besides healing the burns ("which won't properly heal," she complained) there wasn't anything else she could do.

"This gets rather tiresome, doesn't it?" said Sirius casually. "She could think of something new, instead of lying inert for hours on end. Change it up a bit, this act is getting old."

"It's not an act," James snapped. "Don't talk as if it's her fault."

"It bloody well could be for all you know."

"Well we neither of us know so unless you have something useful to say..."

"Suppose her brains have been addled again?"

"Padfoot!" Remus cried, trying to stop the man from upsetting James further. But apparently that's what Sirius wanted to do.

"Suppose this time she never wakes up? What will you do then, huh Prongs?"

"Sirius!" Remus growled, pulling his friend away. He continued in a fierce whisper that carried to James' ears nevertheless. "What do you think your doing? I don't know why you are trying to antagonise him but stop, aright?"

"Why? Not speaking about it won't make the problem go away, will it? Might as well lay it out for him so he can be prepared for what may come."

"I'm sure he knows just as well as you do what may come. Think about your friend and deal with your own pain some other way. If you can't be supportive, bugger off." Remus gave Sirius a bit of a shove as he strode back to James' side.

Sirius glared sourly at Remus and had taken two determined steps towards the Hospital Wing doors when Lily's voice stopped him. She didn't say anything that caused him to pause in curiosity or to welcome her back to the world of the waking. Instead he was frozen where he stood in shocked horror at the sound of her screaming.

Madame Pomfrey veritably flew back in, shouting at them over Lily's din to get out of her way. They stepped back letting her by, and stared on with expressions of varying pain and disbelief.

"She's tripping," said Sirius. James was surprised he could hear anything over the racquet. But perhaps he hadn't heard him correctly after all. What he had said didn't make much sense.

After several minutes of trying various ways to make her stop shouting Madame Pomfrey gave up. Her face, out of all gathered there, looked the most distressed. Perhaps it was because she felt the added guilt for failing as a healer, or perhaps the woman simply didn't bother to conceal her chagrin like the men, who were all doing their best to put on stoic faces.

Sirius was the first to leave. He had thrown his arms in the air, defeated, and stomped out after muttering several foul things under his breath that no one else could hear. As the girl's shrieks grew louder and more intense James followed Sirius' example, his mask of stoicism having fallen off completely.

Remus was the only one to stay, being vastly more accustomed to howls of both mental and physical agony. True, he had never heard Lily, or any woman for that matter, scream like that, but he still understood it.

All pain at that profound a level sounds the same...

Looking guilty, Madame Pomfrey glanced at Remus pleadingly. He nodded and pulled up a chair and sat down and let the distraught healer take her leave. The onerous task of watching over her fell to him.

"Looks like it's just you and me, Lil."

She screamed in seeming response.

"Yeah, I'm not too happy about it either," he confessed sadly.

* * *

Lily's dream was vivid and surreal and obviously not her own. A woman stood by the sink, washing the dishes, drying them with a tea towel and putting them away on the rack. She was an older woman, in her fifties but still beautiful. Actually had Lily seen her on the street she wouldn't have said the woman was beautiful, but in this dream she was, because in this dream Lily wasn't Lily, and she loved this woman she knew was called Muriel.

Muriel turned, realising that Lily had been watching her.

"Oh, Tom," she said smiling. "You startled me. I wasn't expecting you back so soon."

"I forgot my tackle box," she explained, and kissed the wrinkled and leathery cheek.

She rolled her eyes and smiled amusingly. How anyone could forget their tackle when angling was beyond her. Lily went into the other room to grab the things she'd forgotten and bade her wife goodbye for a second time. She left on foot. It wasn't that far and she didn't want to waste the petrol. They had to be economical. Being only a local grocer wasn't exactly lucrative but that was alright. Tome had grown out of his ambition as a young man, and when the time came he had taken over the family business without complaint or regret.

Lily walked a two mile path she had never seen yet it still felt perfectly familiar all the same, as if she had been taking this same route for 20 years. Which she had been, or Tom had been; same thing really.

She took her usual spot by the stream, sorted out her things and sat in silence, with his line in the water, watching the birds. Truth was she enjoyed birds to fish, knew much more about them, but she hadn't been thinking of that when she decided on a new hobby 25 years ago. Too late now. Besides, it didn't really matter. She just liked sitting quietly.

Today was rather special. A foreign owl, which didn't used to live in Britain but for some reason now did, was perched on a tree not too far away. _'Athene noctua'_ she said to himself. She heard the low coo of the collared dove before he saw it, but after several moments of patient searching she spotted it. _Streptopelia decaocto._

Usually she saw thrushes, sparrows, finches, titmice, warblers, and crows. This time in winter though the titmice were everywhere. Perhaps it was because the other birds were less abundant and so the chickadees (as the Americans call them) simply seemed more prevalent.

It became harder to see the birds as it grew darker and this evening seemed unusually cold. Tom hated the cold. She packed up her things and rose to return to the house. She would bring home no fish today, as usual.

She felt a sudden drop in her mood that was as unexplainable as the sudden drop in temperature. For some reason she was depressed, and felt sure that she would never be cheerful again.

Fog seemed to cloud her path and her mind all at once and she strayed from her customary path. It was several moments after she heard the clunk and clatter that she realised she had dropped her tackle box and fishing pole. She was on the ground barely aware of Dover. It grew dimmer and dimmer as the memory of Germany grew stronger and stronger.

x

Tom woke up, face down in the snow. A mere boy of 20 and already wanting to die. He was alone now, separated from the rest of the few of them that remained of his regiment. He had been lost in the snow for two days without anything to eat. If he bothered to look at his feet or hands he'd see that they were blue with frostbite.

It was the dog that found him. Clearly the Germans thought he had been trying to hide from them by burying himself in the ice. They learned the truth later as they dragged him up. They had been shouting at him before that. He couldn't understand them telling him to stand up, not that he could have anyway.

He was glad they had found him. They would put him out of his misery and either kill him now or take him to prisoner of war camp. He would welcome either option, they both seemed so kind. If they wanted to be truly cruel they would just leave him there.

Thankfully they didn't.

He was vaguely aware that he was on a train, curled up on the floor of a boxcar. It spelled like piss, or perhaps that was just him. He didn't care. He was protected from the biting wind.

He didn't know how long he had been on the train but a kind boy helped him get off when the time came. Boy? No, the German soldier was just as old as he was.

'No, he is a boy. And so am I.' Just boys, pretending, hoping, trying to prove they were men by being in the war. At the time it was honourable. Now? It was just folly. Idiocy, foolishness. It seemed so childish now. Only the young sign up voluntarily. Only the young fight in wars. The old don't. Not because of aching bones. The old simply know better.

As he was escorted inside, through the gates surrounded by barbed wire and guard towers he couldn't stop himself from repeatedly thanking anyone with whom he came in contact. "Danke" was just about the only German he knew, but that's all he needed at this point. He didn't feel like a traitor, thanking them.

The one who helped him was a nice boy, despite his being German. He hadn't been anything but kind. The only thing wrong he'd done was join the army. It would be hypocritical for Tom to hold that against him. He'd made that same mistake himself. This boy wasn't his enemy. In fact, he decided his only real enemy was the snow. Anything else was just an imagined adversary.

Dizzy from continued hunger and illness, he fainted the moment he met Devane, the resident prisoner who felt himself in charge all his fellow English soldiers of that particular camp. Actually, he might have collapsed anyway, even if he hadn't been sick. Francis Devane had a rather overpowering personality. Charisma and self confidence emanated from him like a powerful stench. It was strong enough to knock a man on his backside. Frank Devane had been in the camp for years. Four or five. He considered himself an authority on Prisoner of War camp life. He had a solid build and he kept fit from daily exercise. Truth was he had seen the least action out of everyone there, but inside those barbed wire walls, he was in charge.

Tom was surprised to meet with Lucas Benson there. There of all places. They had been very close school chums back in the day. He had called Lucas, 'Benny', and he had called him…

"Tommy boy! How about that eh? It's a small war."

"World," Tom corrected. The world was indeed small. The war wasn't though. The war was big. Too big. Too big for such a small world.

"Good to see you all the same." He shook Tom's hand. "When did you get here?"

"Brought in yesterday."

"Brought in from where?"

"From the cold."

Lucas chuckled. "Ah, you haven't changed. Come on, mum's just sent some raspberry preserve in her care parcel. Let's try it out, eh?"

Tom nodded and followed.

The bread was slightly hard but the jam was so wonderful he could have cried.

"How is it?" Luke asked.

"It tastes… beautiful."

"Beautiful? Ha. How can something _taste_ beautiful?"

Tom didn't know. All he knew was that eating this jam made him feel the same way he felt when looking at a sunset. It was beautiful and he was content.

"Have you heard anything about Sam?" Tom asked, now feeling alive and curious enough to be inquisitive about their old group of friends in secondary school.

"Died in France."

"Oh."

"Mm."

"And Pims?"

"Blown up by a German U boat in the Crimea."

"Oh."

"Mm."

Tom put down the beautiful tasting jam. He wouldn't ask questions anymore either.

x

Next day Frank came up behind him and clapped a strong arm around Tom's back and steered him into a small building the prisoners had constructed themselves to serve as their recreation hall.

Devane tried to tell him about their latest escape plan from "these damned awful Germans."

Tom didn't want to escape. That would only get him back into the snow. He didn't think the Germans were awful either. They had saved him, fed him, given him an actual bed to sleep in. Why would he want to escape from that? He would prefer to wait right here and continue enjoying their generosity until the end of the war. He didn't say this of course…

When Luke came down with a high fever Tom decided to sit with him, until curfew at least. When he rose to go to the restroom (which was really more of a multi-stalled outhouse) Lucas informed that he needed to go too, so they both went outside.

"Hey Tom, look. There's no guard in the tower!"

"I'm sure he's there somewhere."

"No, he's not there! Look. We can make a break for it right now. I have these." He pulled a rudimentary looking pair of wire clippers from his pants.

"Where did you get those?"

"We made them. I always take them with me in case an opportunity comes. Let's do it Tommy!"

Before Tom had time to reply or take him back to bed he ran off. That stupid fever was to blame. If he had been thinking clearly Lucas would never have tried. Tom knew better than to yell after him; that would only draw unwanted attention. Silently, he ran after his friend.

He caught up to him at the barbed wire fence and tried to pull him back.

"Let go," he whispered. "I need that arm to cut."

"No. You're coming back."

"I'm not!" he shouted excitedly. "We're going to make it!"

The guard was in his tower. Or at least he was there now. That was plain enough when he started shooting at them.

Both men fell to the ground. Tom tired to tell if he had been hit or not. He thought he might have been; Lucas falling on him wouldn't have made his leg crumple like that.

x

Frank was there when he woke up.

"You'll both get time in the cooler for this," he said with a condescending sigh. Tom thought that Devane was going to lecture them, starting off with 'if you had just waited for my plan…' but he didn't. He simply added. "Once you can, of course."

"He thought the guard wasn't there…" Tom explained. He looked over to the bed next to him where Lucas slept. Both of them had been hit in the legs. Tom in his left and Lucas in both.

Three days later they were still confined to their beds. It was in the middle of the night and Luke's whispering woke him from his dream, which he had now forgotten, but thought it might have been a good one.

"Tom! Oi Tom!" he whispered hoarsely.

He didn't reply. Perhaps if Luke thought he was asleep he'd stop.

"Tom! I have something to say. It's important."

He stayed quiet for another moment and Lucas let out the longest and most exhausted sigh he had ever heard.

He was about to reply "Fine, What is it?" when he realised that his friend hadn't breathed back in again.

It happens that way sometimes. Blood poisoning. There had been no surgeons in the camp, no one to treat them but regular Joes. Even if they had known to amputate they had nothing with which to do it.

Tom turned over in his bed facing away from the dead man and thought that after this beastly war was over he would take up fishing. Such a calm, peaceful, harmless pastime. No shooting for him.

x

Tom wasn't in Germany anymore when he awoke. Actually, he didn't know _where_ he was. He only knew that he didn't want to be there. Two people were talking nonsense. Absolute nonsense. They might of well have been speaking in a foreign language for all he understood. They were dressed equally ridiculously. Madmen, the both of them.

Had he been kidnapped? He couldn't remember a thing: had no idea how he came to be here. They were underground, surely. From his position on the ground that's all he could really tell. It was mostly dark, and the light was only enough to illuminate the startling face of one of the men.

If it _was_ a man. With a face like he had he would have fit right in at a circus. It was un-human, almost serpentine.

"Ah, hello there Tom," said the man with the eerie face. Now that he had heard him speak he wasn't sure if it was a man after all. The voice had been soft and high pitch, like that of a woman.

Except women's voices didn't frighten him. This man's did, and he had only said hello.

"How... how do you know my name? Where am I?"

The man ignored Tom's question and began somehow illuminating the cavern. How, Tom couldn't tell. Perhaps there was a switch somewhere. The more frightening man dismissed his subordinate and turned his startling (red?) eyes on him.

Tom scrambled to his feet and tried to escape, but he tripped over things in the attempt. He was overtaken by horror and disbelief when he saw what had trammelled him. Bodies. He couldn't see them well but they looked to be the size of children. Dead, all of them.

Truly terrified now, not just nervous and scared like before he turned back to the mutant man. He didn't want to look and yet he couldn't help it.

"I'm afraid I can't let you leave," he said and pointed a stick at him. When he felt himself fly into the air he thought he finally understood. He was dreaming. It was just a dream. A_ bad _dream. He just needed to wake himself up.

The dream didn't seem to end; it only got worse and worse. He was bound by fire, and the man did the most frighteningly impossible things he had ever seen. Pain was the only thing he was really aware of. His brain had rejected all other information as impossible and unimportant. The man kept talking but Tom didn't hear a word of it. This seemed to anger the pale snake man further who somehow made the pain increase to an unendurable level for a time before it would back down, and he only had the burning to worry about, which was pain enough for him.

'Poor girl,' was the last real thought that he remembered having. He knew she was probably going to suffer like him and he pitied her. So young and innocent looking she was.

* * *

The scene was strange and yet familiar. A white room, an uncomfortable bed, and four men. It took a moment for understanding to set it, and another moment for Lily to determine whether she was Lily or Tom. Once she had come to the conclusion that she was, in fact, a girl named Lily Evans and that this was a scene in her own life she looked around.

She was only half disappointed to find herself in the Hospital Wing. Yes it was the hospital wing but that also meant she was back in Hogwarts, and on top of that all four marauders were there too. Peter was sitting on a bed biting his nails; Remus, sitting on a chair next to Peter, hung his head so that his dank hair hung limply over his face. Sirius, arms crossed tightly, was taking long powerful strides that took him back and forth from the hospital wing doors to the potion cupboards at the other end of the room. James occupied the chair next to her bed, the messy head of hair that so became him rested gently on the side of her mattress. His eyes were closed but she doubted he slept. His breaths weren't those deep rhythmic inhalations and exhalations that indicated slumber. They were quicker, less steady and interspersed with the occasional sigh.

She reached a hand out to run it through his hair, winding her fingers through those wonderful half curls. A smile tugged the corners of his mouth up. His eyes opened and his smiled widened; not a radiant smile of shiny white teeth but one of relief and contentment, like a mother's after giving birth. She moved the fringe away from his forehead.

"Hallo love," he said in a voice as soft as his smile.

"Hey yourself," she tired to reply but her throat was so sore and dry she couldn't get the words out.

She frowned at this and touched her throat.

"Madame Pomfrey!" James summoned loudly. His shout not only brought the healer to her bedside but the other three men as well. "She has no voice," James told her.

"No wonder, the way she was screaming," said Sirius, his terse and complaining tone belied by his twinkling eyes. "Welcome back, Cariad," he added after a moment, ruffling her hair.

Madame Pomfrey poured a burning potion down her throat which, for all its unpleasantness seemed to wash away all the detritus that blocked it, leaving a smooth protective coat and a minty after taste.

"Much better," she declared after the potion had taken its full effect. Her smile fell. She had been momentarily sidetracked by everyone's smiles. "I need to speak to Dumbledore," she said quickly, sounding almost panicky.

She happened to be looking at Remus when she said this. He nodded as if he had been ordered and said "I'll get him," and walked out of the room.

"What happened? What did he do to you?" James asked.

"Wait. I don't want to have to go through it again when Dumbledore gets here."

"But he didn't... that is... you are alright, aren't you? You aren't..." He didn't finish his query nor did he need to.

"Cursed anew?" she asked. "No. Just... addled," she paused. "A bit."

"I told you!" cried Sirius, pointing triumphantly at James. He then turned to Lily. "What did he do?"

Lily shuddered at the truth. She'd have rather faced another minute of the cruciatus curse than what Voldemort had actually done. "He... extended my life," she said shamefully.

By the looks on everyone's faces, she could tell they didn't believe her. It was an outrageous idea, of course. She _knew_ that. They clearly thought that her brain really had been addled and she had lost her wits... yet again.

"He what?" asked Peter, who had been staring at Lily as he shook his head quickly as if to shake away the confusion in his brain.

"He took someone else's life and gave it, well, part of it, to me."

"How?" Sirius' question contained, to Lily's mind, just about equal amounts of curiosity and scepticism.

"Do let's wait for Dumbledore," she begged.

When Remus arrived with the headmaster a few moments later she reluctantly began her story. She told them nearly everything; about Nagini, the dead goblins, Voldemort baiting poor Tom before killing him, saying that she may still be useful. With growing shame she told them of how Voldemort had tried to get her to join him (again) and explained all about the stone. All eyes were fixed on her. She didn't know who to look at as she spoke so she directed the majority of her story down at her sheets, which she twisted in her hands as she spoke.

"I don't know how he did it. He didn't just kill Tom, he... he ripped the life out of him. He kept it in the stone and then he," she stopped to control her breath and contain the several conflicting emotions that kept trying to interfere with her speech. "Then he _shared_ it with me," she finished finally.

"What was it like?" came Sirius' voice. She couldn't tell from the way he said it how he felt about it, his drawl masked almost everything with indifference the way Miranda Gasche's had. She chanced a look up at him. His eyes were squinted slightly in calculation, but something unnerving shone from under his lashes.

She took her time in responding, considering the various answers she could give. Terrible, wretched, awful, repulsive, _wonderful_... Since she was too ashamed to answer Sirius honestly she wouldn't answer at all. "I really don't want to talk about it," she responded. _That _was the truest of them all_._ "He said I would join him will or nil. Either in his army or in his stone and gave me til morning to decide. Thankfully James and Sirius found me before then."

She hoped that the two men hadn't already told the others the truth behind her escape. Judging by the identical troubled frowns and everyone else's credulous looks she gathered they hadn't.

No one wanted that little secret out. Sirius out of hatred and hurt pride, James for Lily's sake, and Lily for her own.

She continued, "After we escaped I fell asleep and relived parts of Tom's life."

"You mean Tom the murdered muggle?" Dumbledore asked for clarification.

"Yes," she replied, slightly confused. What other Tom could she be talking about? She didn't divulge the poor man's private past, the things that had no bearing on anything but his own life. She _did_ recount what the man had been through and how he came to be in the power of the dark lord deep in the mines. The poor man had stumbled across the dementors and had been taken down to be used as the first trial of the stone's power. She didn't mention the cruciatus curse. The fact the Voldemort tortured a muggle wouldn't surprise anyone, wouldn't help anyone, and would only make the others feel bad for her.

x

Having finished telling all she took her wand from the bedside and put the tip to her temple. James was surprised to see, not the usual wisp of a silver strand but a deep red one, thick and pulsing. James grimaced. It was almost sickening to look at.

"Can something be done with this? I don't want it in my head." Dumbledore took out his own wand and put it tip to tip with Lily's. Like someone slurping up a spaghetti noodle, the thing was sucked into Dumbledore's wand, wriggling all the way.

James was quite amazed by this. Sucking up a dream was not just a tribute to Dumbledore's power but also that of his wand. James looked to his own pocket and saw the tip of wood sticking out. He doubted _his_ could do something like that. He always thought magical prowess had entirely to do with the wizard himself. It never occurred to him that one wand may be better, stronger, more capable than another.

Something Olivander said to him over a decade ago came back to him. "The wand chooses the wizard, my boy. Not the other way around." James remembered wanting a wand with a dragon heartstring for a core, not the phoenix feather he was given. "Wands suit their owners, Mr. Potter. Yours is a fine wand. I dare say you will be excellent in Transfiguration..."

At the time, James (spoiled brat that he was) had wanted to then take both wands. He hadn't been best pleased to hear that his wand was good for transfiguration. At the time he thought it un-cool. Now, of course, he loved his wand and was extremely proud of it.

But if wands were truly meant to match their owners did that mean the more powerful wizards ('_or witches'_ he added in fairness to people like Lily and Minerva) had more powerful wands? If that were, in fact the case James imagined Dumbledore's wand would be a rather frightening weapon no matter who wielded it, and _particularly_ when the owner himself did.

James grinned to himself. Lily's wand's core was unicorn hair. 'It would be,' he thought amusedly. Olivander must be right. Willow with unicorn hair, excellent for charm work, Lily's wand suited her perfectly, just as she suited _him_ perfectly.

All of a sudden he wanted everyone to leave so he could be alone with her, hold her tight against him and never _ever_ let her go off and do something dangerous ever again.

Sirius' words penetrated his love addled brain and he knew the truth. Lily wasn't his. She belonged to a cause far greater than any one person. While it was a slightly painful point to concede he knew it to be true. He had to be prepared to give her up at anytime. His only consolation was that he would never lose her to another _man_. Only Death could make a claim on her as strong as James'.

She had said she was going to die for the cause and James had slowly began to understand what she meant, just as he knew that he would die for her. _She_ was his cause. He only hoped that day wouldn't come soon.

He had been selfish to want to keep her to himself. Selfish and stupid. But she wasn't fighting _now_, so it shouldn't be a problem...

"Where's Hagrid?" she asked. James shook his head to clear his thoughts and reply but Sirius beat him to it.

"He's working. His shift with Marlene today. Oh and don't worry, I met with Euphrates, sorted everything out. Dumbledore and Moody have arranged for someone to prepare a weekly update for him to read, you know, to protect the identities of order members."

"You met with Weyland? What day is it? How long have I been here?"

"The 9th," Remus replied. You've been here 3 days and 3 nights. Hagrid _was_ here though; he had only just left when you awoke."

"Oh," she said quietly, saying no more as Dumbledore left and Madame Pomfrey returned to shoo the rest of them out. After they had each given her (Lily not Madame Pomfrey) a kiss on the head they trailed out. She grabbed James' sleeve and whispered pleadingly, " Come back to me. Use the cloak or something but come back to me."

Her eyes were shining and she looked slightly worried, as if she were afraid he wouldn't. James chuckled.

"I'd planned on it anyway," he reassured quietly. Madame Pomfrey had one eagle eye on them from across the wing so he forwent kissing her and just gave her an old fashioned marauder wink before he left.

When James entered Lily's common room he found his three friends already there waiting for him. He didn't wonder at how they got in, Lily had said the password in front of them all on Boxing day two weeks ago. That aside Sirius probably knew it from before anyway. He convinced himself that this fact _didn't_ bother him before greeting them all.

Sirius and Remus had just started a game of muggle chess when a sliver phoenix shot into the room, bidding them all come at once. They complied immediately of course, finding Minerva McGonagall already there.

"Just had word from Hagrid. Marlene McKinnon failed to turn up for her shift."

"I'll go to Hagrid," Sirius volunteered immediately.

"I'll check on Marlene," said James.

Dumbledore nodded and it was decided that Remus would go with Sirius and Peter likewise with James.

x

They knew before they even entered the McKinnon home the reason she hadn't met Hagrid. They dark mark floated above her house, green and malevolent, bright and foreboding. The same way it had floated over his own house two weeks ago.

Inside was the testament to what he already knew. Marlene and her family lay in a row, each one with a similar look of frozen horror on their respective faces. A quick sweep of the house told him he and Peter were the only live ones in the house, the Death Eaters had already gone. Peter's face was dark and James could tell he was trying to keep it set. He failed however, because a dimple appeared and disappeared as he chewed the inside of his cheek.

For some reason James didn't want to leave the McKinnons alone while he fetched magical Law Enforcement. 'Silly that,' he chastised himself. 'They can't get any deader. What can you protect then from now? Fool.'

He put a hand on Wormtail's shoulder. "I'm off to London. You'll tell Dumbledore?"

Peter nodded and was gone with a pop.

When he arrived at the office he knocked on Moody's door but there came no reply.

"He's gone," came a soft voice from behind him. He turned to face her. "What's wrong?"

"I need to see Moody," he said simply.

"He went to Hogwarts. I assumed he went to see you. Is everything alright?"

"No. Everything's never alright. There is always something going wrong at any given time," he complained. He knocked (punched rather) Moody's door again, of course in no real attempt to summon the head auror, but simply because pounding things made him feel better.

Agatha put a loving hand on his back to calm him but it only caused him to withdraw from her angrily, not because he was touching him, but because she did make him feel better and that wasn't right. He knew who he actually wanted to see but she was stuck in a hospital bed... '_Still waiting for me to return under the cloak_.'

He went to his desk and began working.

* * *

Dumbledore brought Alastor Moody in to see her a few minutes later, and she unfortunately had to go through it all again. With Dumbledore's help in filling the blanks she managed to get through it. Moody declared he was going back to the ministry and left. To Lily's surprise, Dumbledore didn't.

'Ah,' she thought as Dumbledore explained. 'That's why James hasn't come back.' She hoped Marlene would be ok, but she was filled with foreboding. It looked as if the others wouldn't be back to see her anytime soon...

* * *

Crepuscule. The colours blended beautifully and Sirius might have appreciated the sunset had he not been busy duelling. It was a rather distracting activity. He didn't know where Remus or Hagrid were. He hoped they were faring better than he was. Upside down and dangling in the air he suffered through the taunting.

"Not so funny now, is it Black!" his opponent hissed angrily. His enemy was too busy being bitter that Sirius had time to counter attack, catching him off guard. He fell to the ground and just had enough time to pick himself up before he blocked another incoming barrage of curses.

xxx

"You go on, you're faster. Don't wait for me. Tell Dumbledore," Sirius said to Hagrid. The half giant took off and quickly outstripped Sirius.

The death eaters had left once the next shift arrived, leaving them outnumbered. Remus had gone to the Ministry to tell Moody.

Once Hagrid was gone from view inside the castle Sirius stopped running and looked to see if anyone was around. So long no one could see he allowed himself to limp. He wondered if there was a bone in his body left un-bruised.

_Severus Snape_. Sirius was more sure of himself than ever in his opinion of the slime-ball. All his aching limbs were _his_ fault. Lily had once said that loving her didn't make you a good person, and that was certainly true. Snape, he knew, was a sneaky bastard, and he must of tricked a young, innocent, pure hearted Lily into thinking he wasn't a rotten person and naive and stupid creature she had been, she had believed him. That was the only explanation. Had to be. This thought only angered Sirius more. "Damn Severus Snape."

He was walking towards the hospital wing without even realising it, and was ashamed of himself until he saw Lily there and realised that he had a legitimate excuse for coming. He was just visiting Lily, he neither wanted nor needed medical attention for himself.

"Evening Cariad," he greeted, characteristic smile set firmly in place.

"You are back!" she said getting out of bed to go to him. Madame Pomfrey gave her a glare, but Lily sent one right back. "Thank you for your help Madame Pomfrey, I'll be leaving now," she declared. She linked arms with Sirius and they strode out of the hospital wing. "Just been waiting for a reason to leave," she confessed. "How are you?"

"Blooming," he replied. "Never better."

"And how was it?"

"Oh, nothing too terribly exciting," he said easily. "Waited for hours and hours. Death Eaters finally came but of course we were victorious." Though a rather _Pyrrhic _victory, in Sirius' opinion.

"Oh."

Sirius didn't really like when she replied like that. It was too ambiguous a sound and he had difficulty interpreting it. "Oh?"

"Well, I was hoping you knew something about Marlene."

"No, that was Prongs' charge. He hasn't come back yet?"

Lily shook her head sadly.

"Ah." Sirius fished out the mirror. "Prongs."

His friend's exhausted face appeared. "Hey Padfoot."

"You alright?"

"Fine." Sirius suspected that James was 'fine' in the same way Sirius was 'fine' though he didn't persue the matter in front of Lily.

"And Marlene?"

"Dead. The rest of the family too. In London now."

"Moony make it there aright?"

"Yeah, he's in there with Moody now. Already heard the story. You alright?"

"Fine."

"Right then. I'll let you go. I should get back to work. I want to finish here as soon as I can."

"Talk later."

"Thanks Padfoot."

After Sirius had replaced the mirror Lily asked said the password to her common room. Once they were both inside she asked, "Thanks for what?"

"For checking in I suppose," he said shrugging. "Well, you can rest at ease knowing he's fine."

"What about the McKinnons?"

"What about them?"

"Sirius, they just died!"

"Exactly, so there isn't exactly a lot we can do, is there?"

"I guess you are right."

"What?" Sirius asked, confused. "You weren't supposed to say 'I guess you are right,' you are supposed to start getting angry for me being callous about death and try to lecture some proper feeling into me," he said as she tucked the blanket around him and fluffed the pillows. He didn't even remember getting in bed. How did she do that?

"I guess you are right about that too." She was rummaging around in her wardrobe and came back out with a bottle of something, which she handed to him.

"What is this?"

"For the pain."

"I'm not in pain," he lied adamantly. He didn't want anyone to know that he had come out worse in a duel with Snape. That would be more painful that his current discomfort. But lying down in a bed did feel wonderful. It was difficult to keep his eyes open let alone argue. Difficult, but certainly not impossible. He would continue to do both until Lily believed him. She gave him a disapproving motherly look.

"Then it will make you sleep." Sirius knew she couldn't be trusted. She would tell him anything to make him take it. Well he wasn't about to. That would be admitting to something shameful.

"I'm not tired."

"Very well," she said putting the bottle down on the bedside table and lying on top of the covers next to him. "Shall I tell you a story?"

"Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"Treating me like a child. I'm fine, Evans." He began to pull the blankets and get up but she put a hand on his arm to stop him. He didn't know why but it worked. It was just a light touch, not nearly enough force to keep him there if he wanted to get out, but it seemed a powerful symbolic gesture that kept Sirius where he was.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what to do with myself. Just let me feel like I'm helping. Just for a little bit and then I'll let you go. I won't keep you after that, I promise."

Sirius studied her for a moment and settled himself back into the pillows. It seemed very like something she would say. She was the type that took comfort in taking care of others. "Are you alright?"

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise," he said automatically, before realising that he had probably cut her off from the rest of what she was going to say.

"It's just… well Moody and Dumbledore told me what happened and I've been stuck in the hospital wing all day with nothing to do but worry. I couldn't help you at all and now that you've come back I just wanted to… I don't know... be helpful to you somehow. After you all waited for me for three days. You were good enough to go see Weyland for me. And I never properly thanked you for getting me out of the mines."

"Snape did that."

"You would have eventually if he hadn't." True, Sirius thought, they had arrived the moment Snape had. If it had been anyone else, or if Snape hadn't let her out, he and James certainly would have. She began playing with the tips of his hair. "Thank you."

Sirius didn't know how to reply. Would it sound superior and condescending to say "That's right. You're welcome'? He thought it might, not that he ever cared about sounding superior and condescending in the past. It seemed out of place now. It be a bit ridiculous to try to act smug when you were in pain, lying flat on your back with a woman playing with your hair.

"Nothing you wouldn't have done for me," he said, then added quickly. "For either of us." She was running her nails gently across his scalp, under his hair. Oh heaven.

She began humming and Sirius felt himself slip away. Curse her she was trying to make him fall asleep. Sneaky woman, but whether she had his best interest in mind or hers, he couldn't tell. Not that it really mattered. It would turn out just the same either way.

"Cariad, are you doing this on purpose?" he asked. He was perfectly capable of staying awake and having a debate with his eyes closed, so he didn't see any reason why he couldn't rest them.

"Mmhmm," she answered before continuing with her tune.

"Very well. It won't work you know. I'm just pretending to play along because you asked me to."

"I know. You are a dear, thank you." Surprisingly, it barely hurt his pride knowing that Lily knew perfectly well he was lying. At least she had the decency to ignore it. He wondered if she treated Prongs this way. No, she probably treated him in a manner more fitting Prongs. She probably treated everyone the way they secretly wanted to be treated.

When he woke a few hours later she was gone. She was probably in Prongs' room with him by then. He looked to the clock but it was blocked from view by the potion Lily had tried to make him drink. He moved the bottle out of the way. Only 10; he hadn't been asleep for that long. He groaned thinking of work tomorrow and the growing list of things he had to do. Rolling his eyes at himself for what he was about to do, he uncorked the bottle and downed it. He felt his muscles relax even more and the pain heat up and slowly fade away as he fell back asleep.

x

Up in the astronomy tower Lily pondered. If Voldemort had absorbed Tom would he too possess aspects of Tom's life and memory? It seemed likely. Or perhaps he knew how to block out unwanted thoughts. That seemed even more likely.

Too bad she couldn't.

Marlene.

How many more of them would end up the same way? Why was it that everyone seemed to die? She knew that was a foolish line of thinking. Everyone died eventually. People were being killed everyday. But it always felt worse when you knew them. And Marlene was an order member. A member of their team now gone. Lost. She hadn't really spoken much to Marlene outside the Prewitt's party two weeks ago, but she felt the loss. She couldn't cry about it though. With each death she seemed to grow colder to the outside world and warmer to those she was close to. The area between her inner circle and outer world seemed to grow larger and larger. She wanted to keep her close ones close, and keep the others further away. She drew her arms around her for warmth and wished James were with her now.

She lay on her back and considered the stars twinkling innocently. So far removed from their current troubles. They hung in the sky as they always had. This was just another night for them, twinkling prettily and patiently listening to all the wishes thousands of children made on them, completely unable to make them come true.

"I thought you might be up here," came a voice, wonderfully warm and low.

She glanced towards James then turned grinning to look back up at the stars. Perhaps they weren't that useless after all...


	52. Youth, Flame, and Shame

**Ch. 52_ Youth, Flame and Shame_**

"_I thought you might be up here," came a voice, wonderfully warm and low._

_She glanced towards James then turned grinning to look back up at the stars. Perhaps they weren't that useless after all..._

As he expected, she was there. Careful not to let the trap door slam behind him, he let it down gently and walked towards her.

'Well you finally got your wish old boy,' James thought. He was alone with her at last so why was he so uneasy? Perhaps it was because it was the first time in days he'd seen her alone, had the opportunity to talk to her about everything that had happened, find out the truth. He suspected she had left out several unpleasant things in her story and perhaps it was learning about those unpleasant things that made him nervous.

Now was his chance to learn the truth; _and what a scary thing the truth could be_.

He had heard her screaming in the hospital wing and hadn't been able to stop himself from remembering _the other time._ He could still see Bellatrix's face clearly in his mind, recalled perfectly how Lily had writhed... could still hear those screams. They had sounded exactly the same. _He had wanted to go the rest of his life without hearing that sound again._ He never wanted her to suffer that again and James was terrified to know whether or not she had. He almost didn't want to ask, and yet he couldn't _not_ know.

There had been nothing he could have done. He couldn't protect her in the mines or in her sleep. That hopelessness was the hardest of all to bear. Not being able to help, being useless when someone he cared about was in pain or in trouble was by far the worst feeling in the world... being given no choice but to sit back and watch a loved one suffer.

_"__We all live in dangerous times. Complete safety isn't something anyone, not even a Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher can truly give. The best we can give is comfort..."_

Sirius was right. He should stop thinking and just be there for her, however she needed him. If she wanted to talk he'd listen, if she wanted to stay silent and still all night long he would keep vigil with her, if she wanted... chicken, well they would go get chicken.

She sat up and wrapped her arms around her knees. "What time is it?"

He automatically looked to his wrist, but remembered his watch had stopped. Why he had not yet repaired it he didn't know.

"I don't know. 11?" he said sitting down behind her so they were back to back. They automatically leaned against each other.

"And how are you? How are you _really_?" she asked. It was an earnest question and she wanted an earnest answer but he didn't really know how he felt.

"That depends," he replied.

"Depends on what?"

"On how _you_ are."

"Mmm," she sighed and leaned her head back to rest on his shoulder.

For a long time they didn't speak, just say there leaning on one another in perfect empathy.

An expanse of silence later James couldn't suppress a slightly noisy yawn and Lily stood up and went round to face him, holding her hands out to help him up. "You're tired."

He took her hands and pulled himself up. His legs hurt from sitting on the stones for so long. They stood there for a moment until Lily slowly snaked her arms under his cloak and around his middle, burying her face in his chest. James squeezed her back tightly, breathing in deeply.

She mumbled something but he couldn't make it out.

"Hmm?"

She shook her head. "Nothing."

He lifted her chin with but a single finger, her face rose to his more willingly than it had in the past.

x

It was like their first kiss all over again, powerful but unhurried, attentive but slightly reticent. She had seen and felt the strength of his large hands before but it still amazed her to feel how delicate they could be.

"And here I thought you'd be cross with me," James said after a time. His arms were wrapped comfortably around her hips and hers around his neck.

"Why would you think that?" she asked, genuinely confused. Had she missed something? _Should_ she be cross with him? She couldn't think of anything but she wouldn't be surprised if she had forgotten something with all that had happened.

"For not coming back to see you when I said I would," he explained.

She chuckled slightly. "Of all the silly... You don't think I would actually hold that against you do you? You had more important things to do."

She stood to kiss him again.

x

James pulled away and studied her face. Yes, he was glad she wasn't angry and she knew he didn't do it on purpose. It was wonderful to finally be with an understanding woman but...

His mother had been an understanding woman too, and just because she understood didn't stop her from from being wounded when her husband sacrificed time with her and her son for the sake of his work.

James didn't want to be like his father. He didn't want Lily to think work was more important to him than she was.

"You know you are important to me, yes? I didn't... I meant to come back but..."

Lily shushed him with a finger. "I know. But you did more good working than you would have by just keeping me company. Some things are more urgent than others and when something pressing comes up you go do it. I'll still love you when you get back."

James grinned. She'd said it again. The first time she had said it so quietly he thought he might have just imagined but, but this time there was no mistaking. She had definitely said it.

He kissed her briefly. "Say it again."

Her brow furrowed in confusion. "Say what again?"

"Say that you love me."

She rolled her eyes and stepped away from him, taking his hand in hers as she led him to the trap door. "Have you eaten yet?" she asked, trying to change the topic. James would have none of that.

"Come on, just say it."

"You know I do."

"So say it," he said, his grin growing wider and wider as he let himself be pulled along.

"You sir, are a prat," she stated.

He chuckled and shrugged. "I suppose that will have to do."

"We'll have to stay at yours. Sirius is in mine."

"I already knew that, as a matter of fact."

"Oh?"

"Bit embarrassing actually. I came in, saw a figure under your covers and crawled into bed thinking... well... thinking things one generally does when about to get into bed with a woman."

"And what exactly would that be?" she asked, one eyebrow raised in cheeky inquiry.

"Things that I certainly would _**not**_ have been thinking had I known it was Sirius in your bed instead of you."

"Oh dear," Lily said, unable to hide the grin that contained as much mirth and mischief as the Cheshire cat's.

"It was awkward when I realised the nature of my mistake."

"How awkward?" she asked. James was under the impression that she was enjoying herself very much.

"_Very_. Awkward. We both swore never to speak of it again."

x

She couldn't take it anymore and she burst out laughing, laughing so hard in fact that she had to wipe away tears that for the first time in a long time had nothing whatsoever to do with sorrow.

"Oh thank you for that," she said once she had regained her breath.

She felt bad for being so cheerful when the McKinnons had just been killed, but if they didn't snatch the little bits of happiness when and where they could there would be no hope for any of them.

xx

She broke away just long enough to tell him "leave it on." James was confused at first and not at all inclined to heed this suggestion, but of course he wasn't thinking properly. When he decided that her idea wasn't a good one, and her shirt should, of course, come off he made the attempt again, sliding his hands underneath the garment in question. He pulled away suddenly and guiltily when he heard her cry out in pain. He withdrew immediately. His damned eager hands had clawed their way not only under her shirt, but under the bandages he had forgotten were there. They would need to be redone.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, removing himself entirely off her. He tried to right his wrong but she pushed his hand away.

"Don't," she said, pulling the shirt down hastily so he couldn't see. "It's... not pleasant."

"I've seen it before," James said, although the sight of it had made him turn away, nauseated.

"Oh," she said sadly. "I was hoping you hadn't."

"Why?"

"Because," she said getting out of the bed and walking over to the bathroom, "It's _not pleasant_. Which you know, I suppose." James assumed she was redoing the bandage herself in the privacy of the bathroom. He was glad she did. He would never tell her this, of course, because it would only play into her insecurity more. Some things women just don't need to hear, and "How positively revolting," is pretty high on the list of things never to say to a woman when referring to the lady herself.

Actually, it hadn't been _that_ bad, compared with some of the injuries he had seen and had suffered himself. It had been the shock of it all, and the fact that he had seen it when they had been newly ripped. He was sure he had seen it at its worse but still he was in no hurry to see it again. He was still curious, like all men deep down that can never get rid of that nasty little boy inside them that can't stop from wanting to see gross things. But that little boy urge was overpowered by the cowardly man fear and the guilt of seeing the evidence of how he had failed her. Lily had removed his scars, so he would too if he only knew how. But if Madame Pomfrey couldn't do it, how could he?

She walked back in a minute later, bare feet padding lightly across the floor. She got into bed, lying on her side.

"Does it hurt?"

"No, not like this." She explained how Madame Pomfrey had charmed the bandages. It wouldn't hurt so long as they were on. That is to say, on _properly_.

"Sorry," he apologised again. She smiled at him and shook her head as if to say, 'don't be.' "You _are_ alright?" She nodded in response.

James didn't know if this little interlude had simply been a 'time-out' of their amorous activities, or if the game been cancelled entirely. He rather hoped it was not the latter.

x

With a final score of Evans-2, Potter-1 James was a gracious loser. In fact, he was proud of letting her (making her) win. It was the gentlemanly thing to do after all.

He grinned. If he had his way he would gladly face a sound defeat every time, the higher her score the better.

Tucked away under the covers and enjoying the afterglow of a satisfying loss James began to wonder whether or not to bring it up. It had been a while since they had spoken and if he didn't say something soon she might fall asleep and the opportunity would be lost. He would seize upon the closeness of the moment, hoping she would feel secure enough to speak.

"I've been wanting to ask you something..." he began.

"Hmm?"

He drew the blankets over her so she was covered completely, entirely hidden from view, knowing she would need this.

"What actually happened? In the mines."

He felt her shift uncomfortably under the blanket but he held on to her tightly.

"It happened just as I told you," she said evasively.

"Then what is it you aren't telling? Don't think I can't tell."

"It's not important. It doesn't affect anything."

"It affects you, clearly."

"But it doesn't matter."

"Lily, remember the night you made me a promise? I meant it then and I especially mean it now. I don't want you to keep anything from me."

Lily sighed in defeat and James felt her pull away slightly, putting a bit of distance between them.

"_I liked it_," she whispered guiltily.

"Liked what?"

"I mean, I didn't _like_ it. I regret it, wish it never happened but if felt so..." she sighed. "I'm so ashamed."

"About what?" James asked, trying to be patient, but his voice accidentally rose in pitch in his desire for her to simply explain what she was bloody on about.

"The _stone_, James. The stone." It was silent for a moment as she let it sink in. "Someone was murdered. I was stealing their life and I _enjoyed_ it despite myself. Of course I don't ever want to do it again and even at the time I struggled against it but... It felt so..." She tried to think of how to describe it but could only come up with one word. "Beautiful."

"Life is a beautiful thing," James reasoned; or tried to. The idea was mind boggling, and simply trying to imagine what it would be like to absorb life confused and intrigued him. He fancied it would feel like a fluttering warmth in the chest, that would fill the entire body and mind with... well, _life_. It _must_ be a wonderful thing. How could life not be?

"But someone died for that feeling! Out of everything g that happened, that is what I regret most. I feel so guilty."

"You know it's not your fault."

"I know but it's just so unfair, tampering with life like that. _Stealing_ life like that. It's despicable and I, the despicable unwilling thief."

James too felt slightly ashamed. Ashamed because deep down he was glad her life had been extended, even if for only a short while. It had been dark doing, but the longer Lily was in the world, the better off it would be.

"Of course you aren't despicable," he said. "And I'm sure Tom would rather have his life go to you than to his murderer."

"Even if that is so it doesn't make it right."

"Obviously not. _Nothing_ about this mess is right. It was wrong what happened to Tom and wrong what happened to you. Bad things may happen to you." James quickly lifted the blanket over his own head and joined her beneath it; their faces so close they were almost touching. "But that doesn't make _you_ a bad person."

x

Lily couldn't help but think of Remus and how she had said nearly the same thing to him only two weeks ago. She knew James was right, just as she had been when talking to Remus. Yes, the reason was logical, she knew it in her mind but that didn't change how she felt. She doubted her words had changed Remus' feelings about it either. Guilt didn't play by logical rules.

Nothing was so illogical as logic; using arbitrary rules to try rationalise irrational things; making sense of things that have none.

But still, his closeness reassured her. His warmth, comforted her. His voice, soothed her.

"You know something?" she said as she nestled into him.

"What?"

"I know I'm not very good at saying it, especially when you want me to, but I do. Love you, that is. More than I can say."

It was too dark to actually see, but she didn't need her eyes to feel his smile.

James kissed her shoulder. "I know." She noticed this time he was careful to avoid the ring around her middle as he pulled her into him.

x

Next morning Sirius rose early in his unusual surroundings. He walked over to Lily's bathroom and couldn't help stopping in front of the mirror to inspect himself.

Not bad all things considered. He still wasn't up to his usual glorious standard but at least he wasn't in pain. A fact he was most willing to appreciate. His dishevelled hair and the scratchy beginnings of a beard (not having shaved for 2 or 3 days) gave him a messy, knocked about look to him. For the first time in his life he looked ruggedly handsome. He wouldn't make a habit of it though. 'Rugged' wasn't an image he wanted to convey.

He ran a hand through his hair to put it back in order and splashed some water on his face to liven up his complexion. He closed his eyes and sighed when he realised that it was his expression, not his complexion that needed livening up.

Fastening his award winning smile securely in place he opened his eyes again. Now _there_ was the Sirius Black everyone knew and loved.

He snorted at the man in the mirror.

"_Tosser_."

He was brushing off a few imagined imperfections from his cloak as he stepped out of the portrait hole and heard two familiar voices getting further away. Lily and James were ahead of him, no doubt heading off for breakfast. Sirius didn't hail them but followed behind at a distance.

"And that all depends really on Moody and wherever he wants or needs to put you at the time. You'll probably end up in my section though; we always need good duellists seeing as we are the ones called out to make the arrests."

"But in another two and half years things may have changed."

"They probably will have, but you won't be waiting two and a half years. Moody's putting you in accelerated training; five months. Pretty intensive from what I hear."

"Good."

"Starts in July and you are working by November, which is when training for the regulars begin."

"I thought that started in September."

"First two months is strictly class work for them."

"I see. Well that's excellent news, why are you just telling me now?"

"Only heard myself last night. Alastor told me after... everything."

The two turned to go into the Great Hall so Sirius went to the kitchens. As he sipped his tea he tried to not be jealous.

In the end only James had become an auror and he had reluctantly admitted that only James deserved to be one. Sirius had been in it for the adventure, the thrills, and secretly because that had been what James had wanted to do. Sirius wouldn't admit to that of course, but at the time when they had to choose what career they would try for he had no particular aspirations of his own and simply went along with what his friend wanted. Remus had wanted to do it to repay the debt he imagined he owed to society. James however, had a calling, as did Lily.

Sirius didn't have a calling, but he knew he would rather be doing that than what he was doing now. Things were different now, and yet nothing had changed. He really did wish he could be an auror, but that didn't change the fact that they still wouldn't accept him. Did that mean he would be editing articles about hair potions and writing tosh like "15 Ways to Bewitch Your Dream Wizard" for the rest of his life?

No. He had the order. Just because he wasn't going to be an auror like Lily and James didn't mean he wasn't doing anything worthwhile. The order was worthwhile. Plus, woman _did_ need to know how to take care of their hair. And Sirius Black was a veritable guru of proper hair care.

Sighing, he popped the last bit of sausage in his mouth and walked out. The house elves said something behind him but he didn't listen. What could they possibly have to say to him worth hearing?

x

Remus woke up alone in the house. She must be a remarkable woman if Sirius stayed the whole night. Still, after the previous afternoon's battle Remus would have thought that Sirius would come back to discuss it.

He shrugged the blanket off and rolled off the couch. He ignored his growling stomach. He wouldn't eat if Sirius wasn't there eating too. It wasn't fair to just take his food. And yet he didn't want to go to a job interview on an empty stomach. What if it growled during the interview and they thought it was coming from him and not his stomach? They'd call him a monster and would make him leave immediately. Either that or they themselves would leave, fleeing in terror from the werewolf.

These sad things were the types of thoughts that constantly went through the mind of young Remus Lupin. They never stopped.

After a shower and a very close shave (he didn't want to seem 'hairy' _**at all**_) he went back to the kitchen and grabbed a piece of bread and shoved it into his mouth guiltily. Hopefully it would last throughout the interview. At least he would be dining well tonight, he reminded himself. The order was meeting which would give him the opportunity to take advantage of the house elves and their superb cooking.

He looked at himself in Sirius' full length mirror that hung in the front hall. His robes (which were actually his old Hogwarts ones that simply had the school crest removed) were too large for him. They hung too loosely on his shoulders and billowed more than was fashionable about the middle. It wasn't lycanthropy that caused weight loss. It was unemployment.

"And to think," the werewolf said morosely to his reflection, "_this_ is as good as it gets."

He shook his head and left.

x

The building was old, wooden, and in desperate need of painting. 'Strange,' thought Remus, 'for a candle makers to have such a flammable arrangement.' As he went inside he noticed that interior matched the deteriorating exterior. Old, un-dusted and dilapidated furniture was sparsely scattered in the entry room. He felt oddly at home.

He cleared his throat. "Erm… Mr. Bright?" There came no answer. "Mr. Bright?" he called even louder.

His ears twitched (or would have if he had been in his wolf form) when his 'more acute than average' hearing detected a far off sound; slow, soft and uneven footsteps on squeaky floorboards. They were approaching. The footsteps, not the floorboards, naturally.

Mr. Reginald Bright was the ancient owner of the even more ancient 'Bright Candles', a family owned business since 1403. Candles were things that the current wizarding world mostly took for granted. It wasn't until Remus became interested in working there that he started thinking about it. Bright's was the largest supplier of wax candles (for what other kind are there really) to the wizarding population of Great Britain. Hogwarts alone could have kept Bright's in business with an order of thousands per year, but with all the other wizarding businesses that bought candles either for lighting or selling in their own establishment, Bright Candles was a very lucrative business, even though one couldn't tell by the state of the building.

A soft light glowed from the hallway and Remus knew his hopefully future employer was approaching. The man did emerge and Remus couldn't help grinning a bit. Reginald Bright was a very old man doubtlessly passed the big **150**. The man's face quite looked as waxy as the candles he sold.

"Mr. Bright," said Remus extending his hand. Even though it would have been rude not to he wished he hadn't. The man's hand was so frail looking Remus was afraid to squeeze it lest he crush those delicate bones. "I'm Remus Lupin."

"Yes, yes. Lupin." His voice was as soft, slow and shaky as his footsteps. "Glad someone finally answered the advert…"

Remus could only be grateful that so few people read the Prophet nowadays, or that those who did never made it passed the gruesome top stories to actually see the 'wanted' advertisements in the Employment section.

Remus was shown around the place and Bright explained what he would be doing. To Remus' delight it didn't seem like an interview but a training session. Dare he hope he already had the job? (Providing that he had nothing against hairy murderous monsters of course…)

The main room where most the work was done was underground. It was incredibly dark, but from what Remus could see the chamber was massive. He wondered why put it underground where you would only have to waste your own merchandise to see what you were doing, but was surprised and impressed to see what the old man did next.

Wand tip alight he slid it into a candleholder so that the light shining from it was pointed directly at a mirror on the ceiling, which was angled to face another, which in turn pointed to another. In fact, the entirety of the walls of the room was covered in mirrors and the room lit up instantly.

Now that he could see, the room wasn't as large as he had previously thought, perhaps just the size of an average classroom in Hogwarts. The reflections had given it more depth than it actually had.

It was simple enough work. Nothing above 4th year Transfiguration and Charm work. Transfigure the wax, melt it, set it, affix the wick, let cool. It took only one wizard to carry out the entire process, which Reginald demonstrated using his own wand which he withdrew from his robes. The other one used to light the mirrors had been his late wife's, Remus learned.

"That, I think, is the last of it," wheezed Reginald at the end of his explanation. "In order to reach the daily target it usually takes 7-9 hours, depending on the humidity and drying time. If you want to come in from 9-5, noon to 8, or midnight til morning it doesn't matter to me, so long as it gets done."

"Sir," Remus interjected. "Before you hire me you should know that I… I'm a werewolf…" There was a slight pause and he added another "sir," to conclude the sentence more favourably. He didn't want to leave such a disparaging word lingering indefinitely in the silence.

"So you won't be working full moons then? You'll have to put in extra hours in other times of the month. Can't get behind, lots of orders to fill, you understand," said the man nodding distractedly, wandering off. Remus blinked. Then he blinked some more. He thought he had been aiming high, hoping for understanding, he hadn't even allowed himself to dream of anything as wonderful as apathy.

"Yes sir," he replied, remembering himself and finally and following on. "Thank you."

He offered Remus a room that was situated downstairs if he wanted it. It wasn't much, but it didn't cost much either. Both suited Remus perfectly.

"Where do you live, Mr. Bright?"

"I have a house in the city, but apparating at my age…" he made a clicking sound with his tongue as he shook his head. "The squeeze is too tight. Dizzying. It puts an ache in my bones. I stay here. Don't go anywhere much. My great grandson visits and provides me with what little I need. Henry will take over when I finally snuff it."

'Apt analogy' Remus couldn't help but think. The name struck a bell but he couldn't remember where or how he knew it. Henry Bright. Well, whoever he was he was a lucky man to inherit all this.

There was no signing of contracts, nor had the salary been mentioned. Remus didn't care. Beggars can't be choosers and all that. He had a room, a job, and a wage (however little it may turn out to be.) So long as he had enough to feed himself he was happy. He had his independence… for now, at least. Actually, it wasn't so much independence for which he longed. He longed to finally free his friends from his dependence on them. He would no longer have to be anyone's burden.

xx

For those who hadn't known until that night's order meeting, seeing the rest in mourning colours had been an unhappy hint of what was to come.

There had been better order meetings. More productive.

It was sadly confirmed by all that most of them could not attend Marlene and her family's funeral, for what excuse would they have? Only four or five including Dumbledore had known Marlene outside of the order, and therefore only they would go.

They had a small ceremony for her remembrance there in Dumbledore's office, each lighting a candle which they would keep burning the night through. Even though they went their separate ways, they would all participate in this odd magical version of a secret wake.

Lily and the four marauders retired to her common room after the meeting adjourned, only to have Lily excuse herself the moment the portrait hold had opened.

"I'll be back," she said and was off.

"Where is she going?" asked Remus.

"Hospital Wing," James answered easily. They had discussed earlier the treatment Madame Pomfrey wanted to attempt, seeing as the usual methods had failed.

"She's alright though, in'she?" Peter asked.

"Fine, fine," James assured as he plopped casually into an armchair. His candle was floating next to him, flickering in the corner of his vision, reminding him not to be so casual and easy.

Did it make him a bad person that he needed to be reminded? He just came back from her memorial and yet he couldn't stay sad like he was supposed to. They sat together as they had done over a thousand times before. How was he supposed to stay unhappy when he had his friends around him?

"I'm sorry, Padfoot," said Peter, face looking solemn.

"What? What is it?" Sirius asked, but what it was exactly soon became apparent. Peter's face twitched as he fought to keep his expression solemn and sincere. Sirius' brows drew together in confusion and then his eyes closed tightly in consternation

"Ach, Wormtail!" Sirius said stepping back and fanning the unpleasant smell away from his nose. I've encountered rotten 'tuber puss that smelled less vile. Go stand by the window!" he commanded, covering his nose with one hand and pointing imperiously with the other. Peter chuckled and walked away from his suffering friend and Sirius looked at James and Remus exasperatedly.

"He's like a human dungbomb."

"I can smell it from here," Remus complained. "I can handle the fur and fangs and turning into a monster bit, that's fine. But the worst thing about being a werewolf is the heightened sense of smell. It's torture around you lot."

This caused raucous laughter from the other three. Sirius then howled, miming a prowling werewolf menacing the 'villagers'. Remus and James, playing their part well dramatically ran for the hills (which in this case was the other side of the sofa.) The werewolf continued to bite and snarl until he came upon Peter, took one sniff, and promptly keeled over.

James head flew back as he roared with unbridled laughter. It was like they were all in school again.

"Wait, I smell something!" Remus shouted over the stentorian hilarity.

"We know, we know," said Peter.

"No, this isn't a joke. I really do smell something."

"I swear on Merlin's grave, Wormtail, if you've ripped another I will…"

"It's not Wormtail," Remus interjected. "It smells like… burning hair."

Completely sobered James stopped laughing as his head shot back up. He groped around his head and rubbed away the little sparks that remained in his singed mop. He had forgotten about the candle again. The three of his friends were floating by the door, dripping wax on Lily's carpet. He'd clean that up later.

His hair catching on fire had caused his friends to breakdown in fresh peals of mirth, but this time James didn't join them.

How old had Marlene been? Only 26? 27? Still very young. He looked around at his mates. How young they all still were. Look at them laugh they way they did when they were boys in Hogwarts. Had they really grown up since then? He wasn't so sure now. They had graduated and entered the 'real world.' James had thought that he had suddenly become an adult the moment he entered auror training. After all the things he had seen and done in his dark profession he thought of himself older, wiser, more mature. And he was compared to the prat he had been at school but…

He was suddenly struck by the realisation that he was far too young for all the serious things going on. They all were. Only 23, 24, not even a fifth of the way through life. Why were people like Dumbledore leaving such important things to such, well… whippersnappers like them? That's exactly what they were, he could see it now; they were the very definition of whippersnappers: unimportant but offensively presumptuous young people.

Forgetting to say goodbye to his friends or even tell them were he was going, he left… he left to pose that very question to the headmaster.

"How can you entrust something so important to people so young? The future! The safety of the future world is at stake and you leave it in the charge of people who still find flatulation funny! Surely that is a warning sign! How can we be ready if we… I mean… I still collect Chocolate Frog cards for pity's sake!"

"James, sit down," the headmaster bade the distressed boy professor in front of him. James did what he was told and sat, taking deep breaths to make up for all that shouting he hadn't realised he had been doing. "Firstly, the future always rests in the hands of children. Secondly, children are just as capable as adults in doing great things and showing outstanding courage, just as adults are just as capable as children when it comes to making mistakes and learning from them. Thirdly, you are an intelligent, capable wizard and I trust you to make the right decisions when the situation arises and fourthly…" he paused to take a breath. "Everyone finds flatulation amusing. You just aren't allowed to admit it after you turn 30."

"Really?" James asked, not sure if he meant about the age limit of 30 or all the other things. Still, he was relieved either way.

"James, what is it that you are really afraid of?"

"I… don't know," James said voicing the realisation as it had struck him. "I'll have to think about it I suppose," he said awkwardly. "Sorry for the erm… interruption." 'Interruption' sounded much better than the just as truthful, 'minor mental breakdown in your office.'

Dumbledore smiled and nodded James out of the room. As he walked back to Lily's he wondered what it was exactly that he was afraid of. Well, he was afraid of many things, losing Lily and his friends for a start. But he thought he was beginning to understand why he had reacted the way he had. He had felt guilty for laughing and that had frightened him. Would laughter have to go? Were they allowed to laugh? Have fun? Be happy in such dark times when everyone else was scared and miserable? Would even the mighty marauders fall?

He felt like the sound of the merest chuckle was disrespectful to Marlene and all the others who had died. If he laughed did that mean he wasn't taking things seriously?

Two sides of James Potter were in sharp conflict. He was an auror, he wanted to fight injustice. But he was also a marauder; he wanted life and laughter and good times.

Did that make him an irresponsible adult, or did that make him a child? Or did that simply make him human…

x

"Well, the colour is better now at least," Madame Pomfrey commented as she inspected Lily's middle, though Lily could tell the healer was reaching, trying to find _something_ positive to say. "Perhaps you should…"

"Should what?" she asked, anxious to hear any suggestion Pomfrey may have. She would try anything to get rid of the unsightly burns.

"No. It would do no good."

"It might," Lily said hopefully. "I'll try anything."

"Then perhaps you should try to avoid getting yourself into… situations."

Lily didn't know what Madame Pomfrey had been about to say but she was fairly certain it hadn't been 'situations'.

"I work hard in Defence Against the Dark Arts, but where the defending bit ends, healing begins." How true, Lily thought. Healing really should be _part_ of DADA, not the _result_ of it.

"I meant…"

"I know what you meant," Lily said, cutting her off. "But on a slightly different topic, do you remember our conversation last month about adding healing to the curriculum?"

"I think it just as unlikely now as it…"

"What if it was part of another class," Lily interrupted.

"You mean to say…"

"Yes," she broke in again. Not allowing the healer to speak was apparently a new bad habit Lily had picked up. "I haven't worked out exactly how just yet, but would you be willing?"

Madame Pomfrey made a wary face. Lily knew she wasn't unwilling, just uncertain.

"It's not your place to change the school's curriculum."

"Well, as you so often complain, I'm often where I oughtn't to be. But in this case I'm within my power. As head girl I can make suggestions. In fact, any student or teacher is allowed to make suggestions. I could ask Professors Dumbledore and Potter, but if you aren't willing then there would be no point."  
"If the headmaster and Potter agree, then I will."

Lily smiled with grim determination as she put back on her shirt. There was no stopping the killing curse, there had been little hope for Marlene; but if they knew how to heal, at least her classmates would be better fit to help themselves and their loved ones after they left Hogwarts.

She walked out of the Hospital Wing with a purposeful stride. She had fully intended to go to Dumbledore at that very moment, but when she took a pause to let her candle catch up with her she began to have second thoughts.

Slowly she turned around and started back to her own room at a distinctly _less_ determined pace. Actually, that was a gross overstatement for she had stopped walking completely and plonked herself down on one of the steps in the middle of the staircase that lead from the fourth floor to the fifth.

It could wait until Sunday, she decided. The interment would be that afternoon. She wouldn't trouble Dumbledore with anything until after that. What time was it now, she wondered. Must be past midnight. The thought made her miss Mercury.

"Fancy meeting you here."

"Oh James, you startled me."

"You should have heard me."

"Wasn't listening."

"Obviously. What about this step intrigues you so much that you sat down? Waiting for me were you?"

"Waiting for you? I didn't even know you'd gone anywhere."

"Dumbledore," he said pointing in the direction of the old man's office.

"Why?"

James shook his head. "Nothing. No real reason."

"I was on my way there myself as a matter of fact."

"Sidetracked, were you? Staircase too interesting to pass up?"

"Decided my piece could wait until later."

"And so you decided to wait here until later came, eh?"

Lily shrugged. "I didn't even realise I had done it."

"Well let's find someplace a trifle more commodious to rest our rear ends, hmm?" he asked, offering a hand. She took it and he pulled her to her feet. She smiled to herself almost embarrassedly. She couldn't help but notice how handsome he was. Still was. She had known it before of course but sometimes she forgot to look at him in the normal way. 'Love looks not with the eyes,' and all that. She smiled, remembering that Helena was the name of one of James' brooms.

She often just saw him as James, a presence, an omnipresence that completed her, allowed her to be. It was odd for Lily to think of him as just a man when to her he was so much more.

He cocked on eyebrow, a roguish grin lighting his eyes and darkening his features. A model mask of mischief.

"What?" she asked.

"You are making that face again."

"What face?"

"My favourite one… but alas, the lads'll be waiting."

"I wasn't making a face," she said, uncomfortably aware of how much effort she needed to exert in order to keep from pouting.

James chuckled. "Your countenance, my dear, is as expressive as it is beautiful." He brought her hand up to kiss the inside of her wrist.

"They have returned!" Sirius announced when James and Lily walked back into the common room.

James bowed dramatically before he waltzed Lily across the room and spun her recklessly into the sofa where she promptly sat, more out of necessity than an actual desire to.

"Fancy stepping there, mate," Peter pointed out. This reminded Lily of her other responsibilities. She got right back up again. Seeing no parchment or quills handy she popped into her room to get them.

A moment later she sat back down in front of the fire and spread a fresh sheet of parchment out in front of her. Spinning the plume between her thumb and forefinger she tried to make a decision.

"Who is better, 'The Libidinous Lycanthropes' or "The Dung Beetles?'" she asked the room at large.

James and Sirius' answers were immediate. "Dung Beetles," they said in the exact same time with the identical tones of unwavering certainty.

"Remus? Peter?"

"I like both," said Remus with a shrug. "But I'm no authority when it comes to music and my opinion may be a bit biased, considering."

Lily looked then to Peter who looked to Sirius and James before turning back to Lily to reply "The Dung Beetles."

She squinted suspiciously at Peter and the questionable sincerity of his answer but she let it pass and said, "alright then," and wrote her letter. It was short and she sent it off quickly.

"Why the sudden opinion poll, Cariad? Not that I mind."

"I'm planning a school function for Hogwarts and I was trying to choose a band."

"Since when are we having a 'function'?" James asked.

"Since Dumbledore said so. Thinks a dance would be a nice morale booster for the students. I'm thinking Saturday the 16th, the weekend after Valentine's. "

"How romantic…" Remus said with a hint of condescension.

"Kids love that kind of stuff. Plus I want them to have something to look forward to that they won't have to wait too long for."

"Do you have a theme?" asked Sirius.

"Not yet. I'm tempted to say wear whatever you want, be it fancy dress robes, costume, or pyjamas."

"Might want to choose one," suggested Sirius sarcastically. Lily opened her mouth to say something but Sirius cut her off. "And by that I mean might want to choose one that doesn't involve sleepwear of costumes." She shut it again and he continued. "Costumes, while fun when you are 8, have no place in a fancy affair. That goes double for the sleepwear." He shook his head disappointedly at her and gave her a 'you should know better' look.

"What's the point of coming in fancy dress if people are just going to be rocking out to the Dung Beetles?" she asked.

"Because you don't _start out_ with the Dung Beetles," he said with more patience than he generally used with this level of stupidity. "You open with classic instrumental and _**then**_ you unleash the Beetles," he explained with only a roll of his eyes.

"Well," Lily snapped. "Seeing as you've gone this far, are you going to pick out the cut and colour of my dress as well?"

Sirius gave her a good look up and down, earning him a slap from James. He ignored his friend and said, "If you knew what was good for you, you would."

"What is that supposed to mean?" James asked. If James hadn't, Lily would have, for she was wondering the same thing.

"Meaning that I know more about being a girl than Lily does."

"But I _am_ a girl," she pointed out unnecessarily.

"Yes, and that's what makes it so sad."

"Oi!" she cried, offended. "Which is sadder, a girl who doesn't know how to be a girl, or a bloke that does!"

"Ooh, a hit!" called Peter.

Sirius shrugged, unaffected. "Fine, but don't come crying to me the day of your little soirée begging me to show you how to use eyeliner."

"Use what?" she asked. Sirius raised his eyebrows, determining whether or not she was being serious. Convinced that she was, in fact, even more clueless than he had previously thought, he turned to James.

"I'm sorry, Prongs, she's a hopeless case. Drop her now before it's too late."

It was James' turn to shrug unaffectedly. "Already too late. I guess we will have to persevere without the eyeliner, my dear," he said to Lily. She went over and sat down in the lap of her sympathiser and his arms found their way around her waist. She gave Sirius the most mature 'so there' look, she could manage. It wasn't an easy task.

One corner of his mouth went up in a knowing grin. "We'll talk later," he promised. It sounded more like a declaration of war to Lily, and she wasn't very confident in her ability to win that particular battle. Sirius was a man with superior taste and she really did respect his opinions in things he was obviously more knowledgeable about. He was a rich, well bred (make that pure bred), model. He knew beauty and style. She was a poor muggle born, who wouldn't know class if it kicked in the body part that rhymed with it. He was right, what did she know? She never really gave much thought to her own appearance. Was Sirius trying to tell her something?

He was now perusing her bookshelf. Finding one that interested him (_An Historic Account of the Evolution of Charm Work since the Middle Ages_) he sat back down in the armchair opposite them and began flipping through it. After a few minutes of reading his brow furrowed and he asked, "Why did you underline this bit about 'household charms and their deviations?"

"Do you really think I need eyeliner?" Yes, she realised that the subject had long since passed and it didn't answer his question at all but she couldn't stop herself from asking. Sirius didn't even look up at her.

"Darling, you know I think you're gorgeous." He turned the page. James tightened his hold around her.

Not only did that sound very unconvincing it didn't match up with what he said earlier. "Then what was that whole 'me not knowing how to be a girl' thing about?"

"That was nothing, cariad. Forget I said it. And what's this note in the margin for? The one about the statute of secrecy…"

x

Now he'd done it, thought Sirius. Part of her charm was that she was in some ways rather unfeminine and now he'd gone and made her insecure. He couldn't very well tell her the truth in front of James; that she looked perfectly shag-worthy without eyeliner, for that would only win him a very unforgiving hex from the 11 inches of pliable Mahogany sticking out of Prongs' pocket. He didn't want to leave it as it was, either, with Lily second guessing herself.

What a fool he was becoming. There he was, trying tip toe through the tulips to avoid hurting a bird's feelings. Except it was more like lilies, and it wasn't exactly just any bird. What could he do? Not wanting to stay silent for too long he said something, anything to keep it from turning awkward from his lack of response. Of course, being Sirius, it _would_ be a rather knob-headed thing to say.

"Are you going to answer my question at all?"

"Are you going to answer mine?"

"I asked you first," he countered, not liking at all how childish his argument sounded.

She crossed her arms and said "What Hodder describes as household spells of the 1500s is true, they haven't themselves changed but what constitutes as a household spell has. You don't know how to pluck a chicken, do you?"

Sirius looked disgusted. "Certainly not."

"I do," Peter commented.

"Oh you do not," Sirius tossed over his shoulder.

"And the same thing applies to security and the statue of secrecy. There, your questions are answered."

"Thank you."

There was a moment where Lily waited expectantly for an answer that Sirius was reluctant to give. "Well? Aren't you going to answer mine?"

"What?" Sirius asked, pretending he had momentarily forgotten. "Oh the eyeliner? No, you eyes stand out well enough as it is."

"Then why did you mention it?"

"It was the first useless female contraption I could think of. Women are always obsessed with stupid trifles they've been tricked into thinking they need. Your feminine touch leans entirely to the care and nurturing side rather than hair potions and decorating."

"So what you meant was…" both of them had to back through the conversation to its beginning to remember what had started the whole thing. "You are going to help me plan this thing because I haven't the dimmest idea of what I'm doing and you do?" It sounded like an admission and a dare at the same time. Her, admitting she didn't know, and daring him to say it. He wouldn't, of course.

"Are you asking for my help?"

"I don't _need_ your help," she snapped.

"Of course not. Lily Evans doesn't need anyone's help with anything," he said sarcastically. Seeing the girl visible wilt at this he added peaceably, "I know you don't need my help but do you want it anyway? It would give me something to do, I'm not doing much at present." An outright lie, of course, but it would hardly be the first one he'd ever told and it certainly wouldn't be the last.

x

The roles were reversed from what they had been last night, she realised. He had been the one needing her help, though reluctant (downright unwilling) to admit it and now here she was in the exact same position. She didn't like her new standing, but she supposed it put her and Sirius back on even footing. Still there was something else there, something behind that 'generous' peace offering of help. She went over to him, and leaning over so that they were eye to eye she squinted at him calculatingly.

x

"You're up to something, Black," she accused smoothly. "And I _will_ find out what it is."

"No you won't," he said confidently. Even golden hearted Lily wouldn't think that Sirius was doing something solely for the sake of someone else. Her very accusation proved that point. He didn't know if he was hurt or relieved. Actually, yes he did. He was _very_ much relieved. He'd have to start taking a firmer control on his nicer impulses; they were bound to get him in trouble. "But you are welcome to try," he added, giving her head a condescending pat just for good measure. And by 'just for good measure' he meant 'just to piss her off'.

She gave him a grin that had _challenge accepted_ all over it and then went back to join James. She had just sat down when a bird, an owl, to be exact, swooped in.

"It's addressed to Lily," Peter noted. Remus, being the gentleman, went to take the letter from the owl to give to Lily but it bit him viciously.

"Bloody…" Remus hissed, not finishing the appropriate invective as drops of that scarlet liquid dripped down his finger.

"Oh dear," Lily said getting up to inspect the poor bitten hand. Not taking her wand out she fixed it for him before turning on the rather ill tempered animal with her letter. She was rather reluctant to try.

"I'll do it," Sirius offered, getting up to have ago. The bird screeched loudly and lashed out with a talon.

"Merlin!" he cried. "That is one bloody minded bird!"

Sirius didn't know at what point James had risen and joined them, but there his stood by Lily, examining the owl with curiosity. "Perhaps it is only to let Lily take it," he suggested. "Go on, try."

Lily looked trustingly at James and then back to the bird. Sirius wondered if she would be convinced to approach a mad animal like that had it been anyone but James who had suggested it.

With trepidation she stepped toward it, reaching a cautious hand out to touch it. She didn't reach for the letter, but for the bird's feathers which she stroked. It seemed to calm both the girl as well as the owl. When she removed the letter from its leg it swooped away immediately. Clearly it didn't expect or want a response.

Curiously all four men crowded around her to see what it was and who it was that sent it. She looked at them all a bit nervously and they all backed off, clearing their throats, looking away in various directions pretending they weren't the nosy parkers they really were.

Lily opened the paper; all eyes were (surreptitiously) on her. She stared at it for a moment as if it were a riddle before her eyebrows shot up as if in sudden, surprised comprehension. She flew into her bedroom, shutting the door behind her.

The marauders looked at each other with expressions of varying mixtures of curiosity and puzzlement.

x

James had just made up his mind to go in after her when she came flying out again, that same parchment in hand. She went immediately to the fireplace and placed the note therein. James, and surely the other marauders as well, wanted to stop the letter from burning, their curiosities not yet satisfied, but of course she had a right to do whatever she wanted with her own letter, with her own fire, and in her own room. She went back to the window and looked out.

"Lily, what are…" James began. Lily bounded toward him, taking both his hands in hers. Her smile was nervous, but sincere, as was James' bafflement.

"It looks like Hagrid is still up. Fancy a visit?" she asked.

"Erm..."

"Mercury is out, I saw him from the window."

"Erm..."

Keeping hold of his hands she turned around to face the others. "Anyone want to come to Hagrid's with me? Sirius, you've never met Mercury."

"No, I'll go I'll go," James insisted. Lily turned back to him, beaming. Before he knew it he was being pulled out the portrait hole, and looking confusedly back at his friends, who just as confusedly followed.

xx

Lily stared at the writing on the page, recognising the hand. It was the same nigh illegible scrawl that covered the margins of her advanced potions text. Only two words were written and it took her another moment of dizzy surprise for her to finally understand what they might mean.

Racing into her room she ripped off her shirt and bandages the moment the door was locked behind her. Taking another quick look at the parchment to make sure she had the words right she shakily pointed her wand at the burn around her middle. Hoping that it was what she thought it was she whispered the incantation.

A second passed and she was overcome with disappointment and fear that she hadn't got it right, or worse, that it wasn't a healing spell at all. After the next second however all her doubts vanished with the almost painful tingling sensation that circled her torso.

Bouncing nervously on her toes, Lily clenched her teeth and abdominal muscles and waitied for it to be over. It came later rather than sooner. When the odd tingling finally did stop she bounded into the bathroom to inspect herself.

Gone. Entirely gone. She could have squealed with delight but of course she didn't. Still, she was alive with giddy energy and she quickly applied the same spell to her ankles and wrists.

Not up to telling the marauders, especially Sirius, about it she rewrapped the bandages around her,so as not to draw attention to the sudden and suspicious lack of burns.

She was no longer disgusting. No longer a charred and deformed. These happy thoughts overpowered the darker more conflicting ones that she told herself she would address later. She was almost shaking now. What she wanted to do was change into a doe and run wild for an hour or two, shake out all the extra energy she suddenly seemed to have. She went to the window to have a look out on the grounds she knew she was denied. She was confined to the castle unless she could get others to come with her.

Well, considering who the others were, it wasn't so disparaging. It would be much easier to convince these particular adventurous young men to go out on the grounds in the middle of the night than it would if she were faced with anyone else.

Glancing over to see if there was any smoke coming from Hagrid's chimney to find out if he was still awake, she was surprised to see a flash of silver.

"Mercury," she said aloud, bouncing on her toes again, still buzzing. She sent a patronus down to tell him to wait there, she'd be coming soon.

x

Sirius thought she might have overdone a cheering charm by the way she fizzed when she came out, pleading with James to go outside with her. Had the letter been from Hagrid that made her want to visit him? What was she on about? Prongs looked just as befuddled as he felt, although Sirius was certain he didn't let that befuddlement show so stupidly on his face as his friend did.

With a shrug, Sirius followed them out to Hagrid's. Since it looked like no one else was going to ask, he would.

"So Lily, why the sudden change of mood? You look like a lad who just had his wand polished for the first time."

Lily gave him a slight frown at the lewd metaphor but let it pass, not responding. Sirius had to try again. "Interesting letter?"

James, Peter, and Remus all looked at him as if this had been the wrong thing to say. Perhaps it had been. Perhpas he shouldn't have. Perhaps it was rude and an invasion of her privacy.

Perhaps he didn't care.

"Oh that," she said, waving a hand in the air dismissively. "No, I just saw Mercury through the window and really want to see him. It's been so long. You'll like him," she said assuredly.

"But he won't like you," James warned him out of the corner of his mouth.

Sirius was skeptical of her answer at first, thinking that this wasn't a suffecient enough reason for her nervous excitement, but the doubt faded away.

Slightly stunned by the sight of an impressive looking unicorn thundering toward them Sirius continued watching the way it and Lily carried on. James didn't look nearly as impressed as the others did. Even Sirius couldn't remain unmoved. There was just something about unicorns that simply stunned one in reverent awe. After a profoundly special moment shared only by the girl and beast, Mercury turned and dained to acknowledge James. And for Mercury, acknowldging meant poking him with the tip of his horn. It mustn't have been hard though, for James chuckled slightly and said "hey kid," in casual response.

It was odd to think of anyone being on such personal terms with something so... non-human. With anything else it would be strange or even embarrassing, but since it was a unicorn, he could only be touched. It wasn't like her unecessary kindness to houselves. This was a beautiful thing.

"Mercury, this is Sirius," she said. "And Remus and Peter."

The unicorn didn't look at all impressed and turned back to Lily. In fact, Sirius was certain that the unicorn was even more capable of showing superior disdain than he was. It was the first time Sirius had felt condescended to and he didn't like the feeling.

"Come on, let's see Hagrid," she cooed in its ear, and in a moment she was on top him and galloping away towards the half giant's hut, her floating candle falling further and further behind as it trailed after her.

"That… that…" Peter stuttered.

"That just… isn't done is it? You don't _ride_ unicorns. I mean, it's just isn't done!" Sirius said, honestly shocked and slightly impressed.

James simply shrugged, apparently unimpressed. Strange that Prongs could remain impassive and indifferent about her taming a unicorn and yet he could wax poetic about her hexing abilities.

When the men finally reached Hagrid's the man (giant) himself was at the door waiting to welcome them.

"Allo Black, Remus, Peter," he said nodding to each of them in turn. "Potter." He gave Prongs a hearty smile and an even heartier pat on the back which caused him to cling to Sirius to keep him from falling over from the force.

He steadied his friend and they all entered the hut. Lily was sitting on the back steps, the door open to allow her to pet Mercury. It let in a tremendously unpleasant draft, but no one said anything so neither did Sirius.

"Sorry it's been a while Hagrid," Lily apologised.

"No…" Hagrid denied good naturedly. "Saw you just a bit ago at the meetin'."

"That doesn't count. It's been too long since we've just visited."

"Well, you were asleep, weren't yeh? Can't blame you for tha'."

"Erm… no, I suppose not," she replied awkwardly. Apparently there was more there than she let on.

James, who had taken a seat on the floor behind her seemed to be in on it, for he gallantly changed the subject.

"Not to bring up work or anything," James excused before he continued. "But what happened yesterday Hagrid? After Sirius and Remus joined you?"

"Well for a long while nothing at all 'appened. Round dusk the death eaters finally showed, but of course it was gone by then, just seein' if they were after it. O'course Dumbledore was right about that. Lost track of these two," he said pointing to Sirius and Remus.

"I lost you as well," Remus confirmed. "Found Sirius eventually, fighting with…"

Sirius shot him a warning look and quickly, almost imperceptibly, shook his head. His long hair swished though, betraying the head movement. Remus cleared his throat and quickly changed what he had been about to say to "such competence and skill so I left him to it to look for Hagrid. That's when Alastor, Frank and Alice arrived. Cleaned up quickly after that."

If anyone had noticed Remus' slight slip they didn't say anything. Peter took up the story from there, telling the other side of the story. Remus covertly gave him a questioning look which he ignored. When he chanced a glance at James he was sad to note that he too was looking at him with similar calculation and curiosity. Well, that wasn't so bad, so long as Lily didn't find out. The girl wasn't looking at him at all, she had turned her back to them all and continued to stroke the unicorn.

x

Lily wondered what, or rather _who_ Remus was about to say but she thought she knew. There was probably only one death eater who Sirius would object them knowing he fought. Lily especially, because she knew just how badly he had come out of that fight, having healed his numerous injuries after he fell asleep.

She would say nothing about it.

x

Walking back to the castle much later, James took his best friend to the side to have a private word. He gave Remus a nod and the obliging werewolf offered his arm to Lily and they walked off ahead with Peter.

"Something you want to tell me?"

"Not particularly," Sirius replied with a sigh. James knew Sirius would cave and tell him. If he was really dead set on not talking about it he would have at least _tried_ to act as if he had no idea as to what James was talking about.

"Be a sport and tell me anyway," he coaxed.

"Nothing really. Just nearly bested by Snape in a duel, that's all." James could tell Sirius had been careful to make sure his voice sounded light and apathetic. He always did that, it was just his way.

"That's not so bad," James said, doing his very best to mimic his friend's casual indifference.

Sirius shrugged. "No, I suppose not. Just…" He stopped, torn whether or not to reveal more. "Just…_don't tell Lily,_" he said much more quietly. Perhaps he hoped James wouldn't hear.

"What? Why?" he asked.

Sirius let out an annoyed sort of growl. "Because she likes the creep."

"That's hardly," James began but Sirius cut him off.

"Let me finish. She likes the creep despite herself. She already feels guilty enough about it. Her knowing he knocked me for ten will just make her feel worse about liking him. She can't help it so just… don't tell her."

This little speech looked as if it had exhausted Sirius. He seemed deflated; his proud stride demoted to an ignominious trudge. James for one was somewhat astonished at his friend's sudden unbelievable thoughtfulness and consideration. 'Well no surprise,' he thought. 'He loves her, after all.' Not the same way James did, of course, but it did seem that caring for her was having a profoundly positive influence on his character. Same as it had with John Michaels. Same as it had with Snape.

But by Lily's own admission she hadn't spoken to Snape in ages, did she really care for him still as Sirius seemed to think? He wouldn't be surprised; he had been worrying about that himself.

"You think that she still does though? After all those years?"

"Snape clearly does."

"But…" Hmm, that was a fair point. If cold hearted Snape still cared, warm hearted Lily must as well. Still he had to make another attempt at an argument. "But… but…" And a very lame attempt it turned out to be.

"I know she does, mate. She doesn't want to admit it but she does."

"What makes you so certain?"

"Because the reason she went to you on Christmas, the reason she went to tell you she loved you was…" He stopped to heave an agitated sigh. "Because I told her you saved his life."

Ouch. That was pretty clear. Painfully clear, as a matter of fact. James hardly knew how to feel about it. He knew that they would have got together anyway, perhaps that very same day, but knowing that Snape had been the catalyst bothered him. He had been content thinking it had been Sirius' perseverance combined with their own love for each other.

He clenched a fist. If he hadn't already burned that letter from Snape he would certainly do so now.

Letter. Burnt.

She herself had burned a letter that very evening. Had it been from him?

"Tonight when she got the note from that mad owl… You don't think it was from…?"

"Why would it be?"

"She normally shows me her mail. She wouldn't let anyone read it, she disappeared to her own room to do it and she burned it immediately afterwards. Isn't that how a guilty person would act?" Who else would be writing her that she wouldn't want to tell us about?"

"But you forget one thing. She was practically giddy when she came back out. Not exactly the signs of someone feeling guilty."

"Well, perhaps she was just excited to see Mercury. You can see how much she loves him." Even though he had just been grasping desperately for any answer to account for her excitement, James found that the explanation was entirely possible. He was quite sure of his new theory but Sirius didn't seem as convinced.

"Who knows. You can get it out of her later. I think I'm going to get back to London."

"You know you can stay here, mate. It's already passed two."

"All the same, I'd rather sleep in my own bed. I plan on not leaving it for a full 12 hours."

"If you insist."

"Indeed I do. Tell the others bye for me."

"Will do."

"And enjoy all the wonderfulness that is Saturday."

"Will _definitely_ do." They grinned at each other and Sirius turned around to walk back to the village by himself, his candle flickered in the wind but didn't go out.

James jogged a bit to catch up with the others, getting there just in time to hear the punch line to another one of Wormtail's famous jokes. Where he came up with these things James had no idea.

Lily and Remus were laughing and Peter grinned proudly at his own humour. James felt slightly sorry that he had missed it.

He was about to put his arm around Lily's waist, but remembering the burn he placed it about her shoulders instead. She leaned into him lovingly and once again James was stuck by the urge to hold tight to her and hide her from the rest of the world. It was so strong he felt his muscles twitch.

"Cold?" she asked, looking up to him. He shook his head, smiling down at her, unable to resist kissing her quickly while the other two weren't looking.

It was another three quarters of an hour before they left Remus and Peter fighting over who got the bed and returned to the privacy of James' chambers.

"Darling before we get into anything there is something I need to tell you," she said trying to untangle herself from him. She found it rather difficult, seeing as his limbs didn't seem willing to cooperate.

"Alright," he said readjusting himself into a position better suited to making conversation as opposed to making… anything else. "Is it about the letter?" he asked.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, it is."

"Was it from him?"

Lily's eyes widened in surprised disbelief. "Who him?"

"Snape," he said reluctantly. He hadn't really wanted to say the name for some reason.

"How did you know?" she asked in a little mouse of a voice. Sirius must be right. She was certainly ashamed.

"I could tell. But it looked as though you didn't want to talk about it so I didn't press."

"Not in front of the others. Not in front of Sirius."

"Why? What did it say?"

"Only two words. A spell."

"Which one?"

"I had never heard it before but I had an idea. When I tried it worked. They're gone; I'm healed."

"You mean…?" His hand automatically went to her middle. She nodded and he put a careful hand beneath the bandage. Nothing. Nothing but her usual perfectly smooth skin.

"He just got so angry last time Severus helped me, I didn't want to put him through that again. Sirius hates him and so he should. Being kind to me doesn't erase all the terrible things he's done and he should be free to hate him without worrying about what he might have done for me. Especially after what Severus did to him yesterday."

"How did you know that?"

"Well, I didn't know for certain. I only guess it was he who is to blame for Sirius' dislocated shoulder, cracked ribs, ruined ankle and battered knee." She said this with more wrath than James had ever heard from her before. "Ugh, he keeps hurting people I love!" she said, pounding a pillow angrily.

"Sirius didn't want you to know."

She looked up from the pillow, face melting from angry to affectionate. "I know, the dear."

"Who else has Snape hurt?"

The face fell from affectionate to ashamed. "You," she said quietly, no longer looking at him.

"Me?" James asked. "He's never touched me."

"Not directly, but that spell Togglepike used to try to kill you, Sectumsempra, was Severus' invention," she reluctantly admitted before returning to try to pound the pillow into feathery oblivion. "He keeps hurting people so why can't I just…"

"Hate him?" James supplied. Lily gave up her assault on the innocent bedding and sank into it, the softness muffling her words that were already mumbled to intelligibility by shame. James understood her all the same. She wanted to hate him but she couldn't.

"Maybe you just aren't the hating kind."

"I hate Bellatrix," she spat clearly. "So why not him?"

James couldn't believe what he was about to say, the words as they passed his lips sounded so perverse but so true. "Because you never loved Bellatrix and she never loved you. You didn't know her when she was a child, before she became a death eater. You didn't grow up with her. Perhaps you can't truly hate someone if you've seen and felt their goodness, however small."

"Do you hate him?" she asked simply. She stared at him, blinking, waiting for an answer he couldn't give. No matter how he replied he would be ashamed. Ashamed if he did, ashamed if he didn't.

"That's too complicated a question for such an unreasonable hour of the morning," he replied, caring very little how clumsy his retreat from the conversation had been.

"Alright," she said peaceably allowing the conversation to end. She only added one thing. "Let's never mention Severus Snape again."

"My dear, nothing would please me more."

Talking Snape had completely banished even the merest possibility of any romantic undertakings so he simply wrapped his arm around her and closed his eyes and thought.

Both Sirius and Lily were keeping the truth about Snape to themselves; trying to spare the other the pain of knowledge.

"Don't ever keep something from me to try and spare me," he whispered.

"I won't."

"_And don't ever leave me_," he whispered even more softly.

"_I won't_."

x

It was nearing noon when they got out of bed. After stuffing themselves in the kitchens (to the delight of Poppy and her co-workers) James made a proclamation.

"It is Saturday and all work of any kind is therefore forbidden. You have a few options, Miss Evans, and I think you can guess what they are."

Indeed she did. The first part of the afternoon was spent writing scandalous things on classroom blackboards.

"Lovely alliteration James, but don't you think it sounds more Potter-like than Peeves? The poltergeist has a proclivity for baser rhymes."

James grinned at Lily's own alliteration but stood back a step to inspect his work. She was right. While a masterpiece in its own way, he doubted that McGonagall would believe Peeves would bother himself with iambic pentameter.

"I suppose you're right," he admitted sadly. He raised his want to erase it but Lily grabbed hold his sleeve and yanked it back down again.

"Wait!" she cried. "Copy it down and use it in another classroom! Doubt Slughorn is as well acquainted with your poetic style as McGonagall is. He couldn't tell the difference between Peeves, Poe, Platt or Potter."

James produced his little notebook and the lurid sonnet was copied. Lily put up a bit of a fight when they came to Flitwick's classroom. She argued that the Charms professor was such a sweet old thing he didn't deserve to have nasty things written on his blackboard but James insisted, although it was much tamer than his other works.

"What shall we write on yours then?" said Lily.

"Why mine?"

"Thoroughness. It will look suspicious if you are the only one without."

"I'll just say I erased it before anyone else saw it."

Lily raised an eyebrow sceptically but didn't argue.

After a leisurely but playful splash in the prefects' bathroom James suggested either dinner in Hogsmeade or a fly somewhere else. Of course she chose to fly somewhere else. She would _not_ be seen in public with him so close to Hogwarts.

x

Cosily reclining on the same rock that jutted out over the same lake in the same forest that they had once before, Lily's mind wandered in a direction she rather wished it didn't. She had said she never wanted to talk of him again, but that didn't stop her from _thinking_ about him.

Should she write back and thank him? The bird hadn't stayed, but she knew Severus well enough to know how little that meant. Having the bird wait would be admitting that he wanted her to reply, which wasn't something he would likely admit. Again, he reminded her of Sirius.

However, it was just as likely that he really didn't want a response. It was just as dangerous for him (probably more so) for them to be in contact.

That night after James fell asleep she eased herself out of bed and tip toed into her common room. Fire blazing in the hearth still, she sat down at her table, quill in hand, ink pot at the ready. She could think of nothing to say but 'thank you'. But two words do not a letter make. On the other hand, _he_ had only written two words, so why couldn't she?

_Thank you_

It looked even more pathetic after she wrote it so she crumpled it up and tossed it into the fireplace. Sighing, she leaned back into her couch and picked up a two day old Prophet to peruse until she could think of what to write.

The article on the front page was appalling. _Which is really only the beginning_, it read, _of how we intend on making the wizarding world a better and safer place. We would like to say thank you to all those who donated. Without your faithful support and generosity SCDDHB and PAX would still be only a dream instead of a flourishing reality…_

Lily let out a snort of indignant laughter as she tossed the paper onto the table.

"Ignorant fools," she spat. _PAX_ indeed. Their mission had nothing to do with peace or making the wizarding world safer. It was racism, pure and simple. The _Society for the Capture and Destruction of Dangerous Half Breeds_, the upper branch known as _PAX_, or _Purebloods Against Crossbreeds_ was as offensive as it was frightening. (In other words, offensive and frightening in the extreme.) These people were actually in the government. It was only a matter of time before they made it a bone fide law instead of just a Ministry backed 'charity' group. It made Lily's blood boil, parading hate under the guise of peace and murder under the banner of goodwill. She violently hoped that everyone else saw through it. She picked up the Prophet to chuck it into the fire as well when one of the lines caught her eye. "_We would like to say thank you_…" It gave her an idea of how she could do it. Even though he willingly chose to join _them_ he had also willingly betrayed them and risked his own life to save hers **and** give her the spell to heal her burns. It was only polite to thank him. It was the _least_ she could do and the _most_ she could _bring_ herself to do. Now all she needed was a bit of knotgrass…

x

The sun shone weakly on the shabby houses of Spinners End that wintry Sunday morning, and not at all on the shabbiest one at the very end. The fog was thick and the frost painted all the windows of every car on the street, except for the one at the very end because there was no car.

Still, no fog or frost would stop the proud little Petersons from going to church. Little Adam Peterson was jumping up and down to keep warm as his father scraped the windshield. He couldn't help but glance nervously over his shoulder at the ominous house at the far end that surpassed the other houses in filthiness and unkemptness. Adam knew that a madman lived there; he'd seen him with his very own eyes.

The boy happened to be looking back at the madman's house just in time to see something very peculiar indeed through the fog.

"Da! An owl! Look'it!" he cried, pointing. Mr. Peterson knew that owls were nocturnal and that there was no chance of seeing anything through this fog, much less a bird, but he turned around to humour his son anyway and pretended to look.

"Don't see it."

"But there was one," the boy insisted.

"Yes yes," he said, turning back to the business of scraping ice off the windshield. His son was always imagining things. Claiming to have spotted an owl was the least inventive of his tales.

The 'madman' was at the table sipping his tea waiting for the Sunday Prophet. When an owl flew in and dropped a paper on the table Severus reached into his pocket to pull out a knut or two to pay the bird but the owl didn't wait. It simply swooped in, dropped its load, and swooped out again. Finding it very odd he reached for it anyway and unfolded it. What was the meaning of this? He had already read about PAX and the SCDDHB three days ago. He was about to get angry when he caught the faint whiff of something. Could it be? He swore it was. He was an expert potion brewer, and as a group they prided themselves for their excellence senses of smell. There was no mistaking it. Knotgrass; his favourite scent since he was a boy and had first started brewing. As he continued unfolding it a small bundle of the little green weed fell out. He bent to the ground to pick it up and he hung it from the doorframe tip down so it would dry out.

She used to do that for him all the time. After he had graduated and couldn't afford his own potion ingredients she would nick them from the student cupboard at Hogwarts, sending them in a newspaper, just so.

Sometimes even if he didn't need anything she'd send a sprig of knotgrass just because she knew he liked it.

Going back to the paper he rifled through he pages, looking for but not really expecting to find an accompanying letter. He sighed and was about to put the paper back down when a line of colour caught his eyes. Two words had been underlined in red ink.

_Thank you_

Another owl flew in with yet another paper, this time waiting impatiently to be paid before flying off. He chucked the Sunday Prophet immediately into the fire. He was perfectly content with the paper he had…

x

As she planned, Lily went to see the headmaster on Sunday afternoon. Dumbledore was delighted with the idea and gave his permission so long as both Pomfrey and Potter were both willing. Defence Against the Dark Arts would soon be melded with just had to run it by James.

He was sitting comfortably on her sofa in front of the fire looking at his small book of notes. When he heard her come in, he automatically shifted so she could sit next to him, presenting his shoulder and chest as her ready pillow. She settled herself in before she made her proposal.

"Look, I've been doing some," he began at the same time she started with "There's something I've been working on and I need your…" They both stopped.

"Sorry, you go," she offered.

"Ladies first, I insist."

"Oh… alright well I talked to Madame Pomfrey and Dumbledore and they will both agree to it if you will. Now don't shoot it down before I finish, but what if you added a section on healing to your curriculum? Have Madame Pomfrey give a lecture or two and have students go to her for a few hours during their free time for some practical training. I know it's not on the NEWTs but it's really important all the same. Obviously it will take some time to organise so your lesson tomorrow or this week wouldn't be changed but…" James silenced her long continuous line of speech by placing a hand over her mouth. He needed to think but he was too shocked to. The mention of classes tomorrow had run what he was going to say about the department for magical transportation right out of his head, along with just about every other useful thought. Only one buzzed there now '**Class**. _Tomorrow_.' It was terrifying and confusing. He hadn't seen Lily in uniform for a month, hadn't even thought of her as a student. As _his_ student.

Panic.

They were _at_ Hogwarts, how could he have forgotten? Well, it just went to show how James Potter continued to defy expectation and achieve the seeming unachievable. He was sure no one had reached this level of dim-witted obliviousness.

What was he supposed to do now? Why was he suddenly very uncomfortable with the idea? How in Merlin's name was he supposed to go to class, see Lily in her uniform sitting in the front row and act as if she were just a student? How had he coped with it before? Ah yes, he had been in denial. Nobody had known but himself. Things were different now and he didn't think Lily would appreciate him suddenly pretending she didn't exist. He could see her taking that personally. Frankly he didn't like that option either but he had no other idea of what he could do.

His mind buzzed uselessly, giving him no help or insight like it usually did in times of great panic and distress.

"Prongs!" Sirius voice sounded urgently out of his pocket. James fished out the mirror and blinked stupidly at his friend.

"Have you seen Mooney?" Sirius demanded quickly.

"Wha?" he asked, confused on so many levels.

"He's not here, all his things are missing. I have no idea where he might be. He's just… _gone._"


	53. Bully for Remus

_**Chapter 53: Bully for Remus**_

"Have you seen Mooney?" Sirius demanded quickly.

"Wha?" he asked, confused on so many levels.

"He's not here, all his things are missing. I have no idea where he might be. He's just… _gone._"

x

Lily took the mirror calmly out of James' hands and told Sirius reassuringly "I'm sure he's just moved into the new place."

"What do you mean? He _lives __**here**_."

"He decided to take the accommodation offered by his new employer."

"New employer? New place? You had better start explaining yourself better before I lose my temper," he barked

"He didn't tell you?"

"Cariad... _Final_. _Warning_," he growled through clenched teeth.

"Sorry!" she apologised quickly before hurrying on. She didn't want to incur his wrath. "There's not much to tell. He found work and has decided to move out. So... you see; there is no reason to worry."

The moment she said it she knew it had been the wrong thing.

"Ha!" This mocking laughter was anything but happy. Lily could tell Sirius was bitter, not only for not being told about Remus' new job but also for the fact that he had been caught worrying. Embarrassed, he was angry rather than relieved to hear his friend was alright. "Who's worried? Bully for him! But you'd think that the inconsiderate hairball might have mentioned to his own room mate that he got and job and was moving out. But noooooo. Discretion was always Moony's game. Well let's see him discreetly dodge my fist as it flies into his face."

"Sirius..." Lily said admonishingly. "I'm sure he was going to tell you. It's been a busy these past few days for us all."

"And if he wants to go off without a word he's more than welcome to. He's free to do whatever he wants. Not like he owes me anything." The smile was sparkling white and frightening. She was reminded forcibly of a hungry canine who has spotted a weakling in the heard. One that knows he is about to make a satisfying kill.

"It's not like he _meant_ to keep it from you," Lily tried again. "He wouldn't do that. Give him a chance to explain."

"Oh look, here is our lying lycanthrope now. We will have words, he and I..."

"Sirius wait!" But it was too late; the beautiful man's face had already faded from the mirror.

"They'll be alright, won't they?"

"Oh that's just Moony and Padfoot. They have a good row every few months. It's a natural thing, like the first falling of the leaves in autumn and the first snow in winter. They'll be fine," he said casually, like Athos explaining the continuous contretemps between the zestful Porthos and the subtle and subdued Aramis. His calmness seemed to assuage Lily's fear for Remus' immediate health, but she was still concerned for the other musketeer.

"And Sirius?"

"He just needs to work out his temper. Remus is tough, he can take a beating."

"A beating!?" Lily asked aghast, fear swinging back in full force.

"Don't worry about it," James said getting up and stretching languorously. "A few broken bits of furniture, a split lip and a couple of bruises here and there is the worst that ever amounts to. Padfoot'll run out of steam soon. His tantrums putter out quickly."

"After 5 minutes?" Lily grinned slightly despite herself.

"About that, yeah," James replied with a smile.

"Well, I hope that after everything Sirius will be happy for Remus. He's finally found work."

"Yeah," James said shortly. He sympathised with Sirius' being angry. If Moony could tell _Lily_ then surely he could have told his best friends. "You'd think that he _would_ have shared his good news. If, in fact, it _is_ good news."

"How do you mean? How could this not be a good thing?"

"Let's just say that Remus doesn't have the best track record with past employers. I'm surprised he decided to move in. He generally carefully guards his privacy... what with his furry little problem and all."

"But his boss already knows."

"He... what? How?"

"Remus told him. Thought he'd be better off confessing at the first so as to avoid any nasty shocks later on."

"As I said. His employment history isn't shining. No one will give good references to a werewolf, or give him a job even if he had them."

"Well it looks as if his luck is finally changing."

"_I only hope it lasts_..." James said darkly.

"Why are you being so unenthusiastic?"

James put a hand on her head. "It's cute when you're naive, Red._ I_, on the other hand have been with Remus a long time. I know how the world works, how he is viewed."

"Don't give me that 'naive' rubbish!" she said pushing his hand away. "Is it so impossible to believe that there might be a few people out there other than your precious Marauders who aren't bigoted? Or do think you and you alone are great and wise enough to rise above the rest and treat him how he deserves? You think that you are the only people that like him? That you are doing him some grand favour by being his friend and sticking with him? He's not that badly to be pitied, you know."

Lily stopped herself, realising that she wasn't just talking about Remus anymore. She felt as if she had to justify _herself _as well. She knew that pure blood and muggle born relationships were frowned upon. In fact, unnecessarily associating with muggleborns at all was generally avoided. She couldn't stand the thought of James thinking he was doing her a favour by being with her _even though _she was a 'mudblood'. James loved being the hero, she knew he did. He was addicted to doing the right and noble thing, honour bound to the last. She and Remus, the muggle born and the werewolf, the mudblood and halfbreed, were excellent demonstrations to show how shining James' noble soul was. They were his own little trophies, his own personal charity cases.

What was worse was that Remus actually agreed with this line of thinking. He felt like a charity case; that he was a burden; that he didn't deserve what little goodness he got, and felt guilty for having friends in the first place. He felt inferior and, despite all her best efforts to be the best witch she could be, she did too. He could do no more about being a werewolf than she could about being muggleborn. Being Head girl and top of the year were accomplishments to be sure, but she had only achieved them to fulfil her need to raise herself up from her lowly position, to improve herself, to try to make others see someone wonderful, not a mudblood.

Not that it had worked. How could she possibly fool herself that way when she saw daily proof of how much she was despised? She sighed and looked at the floor. She was wrong to have put words into James' mouth like that. She had been pushing her own insecurities onto him and then scorned him for his condescension. In reality, she was entirely grateful for the protection and warmth of pure blood James Potter. She loved his damned noble attitude and his unwavering loyalty to Remus. She knew that when James looked at her, the state of her blood wasn't even considered, and that he was a close friend to Remus both before and after he was a werewolf. Things like that didn't matter to him, and she knew it.

"I do _**not**_ think like that," he said quietly but steadily. He sounded slightly cross and she couldn't blame him. A few moments passed before Lily could bring herself to speak again. Facing him was difficult after the insulting and unjust accusation she had just made.

"I know you don't." She lifted her head and tried to force a smile but it didn't stay due to a lack of conviction. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I said all that." Damn it why was she starting to cry? Angrily she wiped away the two tears that had fallen and turned around so he couldn't see her. She didn't want to unfairly soften him with tears when he should be justly angry with her. "I think I just hate myself because I _do_ think that way and no matter what I try I can't seem to stop."

"Are you sure we are still talking about Remus?"

"I don't know. No. Yes. Him and everything else."

"Everything else? That's quite a bit to talk about," he said more lightly. "Why not narrow it down to one or two manageable topics, hmm? Moony and... you, for example?"

"It seems that things are finally looking up for Remus," she said decidedly as she turned around. She wanted to redo the conversation entirely and start afresh.

"Lily, I'm not being _pessimistic_, I'm being _realistic_. While it's great that it seems that Moony's employer is unconcerned about his condition you can't deny how rare it is. Remus' position is a precarious one, always has been. Things seem to be going well now and they seemed to go well in the past too, but there is always a fall, and he is always packing his things and turning his back to the shouts and abuse. I just don't want you to get your hopes up about this."

"Don't you see that's _exactly_ what I need? I _need _to be able to hope. I don't want to believe that Remus is a lost cause. I need to be able to think there is some goodness in the world we can still cling to. That werewolves and muggleborns won't always be hated." The tears were back, stinging her eyes. "It's hard enough not to be completely discouraged sometimes. I'm not strong enough on my own. Recently just staying afloat would have been impossible if I hadn't been able to depend on..." She hiccoughed loudly, swallowing the last word. She blinked out a few more tears and finished the sentence only with her eyes. '_You_.'

x

James was certain that no one was as skilled as Lily Evans in making him feel like a complete and utter ass. Since they first met James knew how Lily felt about being a muggleborn during these dark times. He knew, even though she had never admitted it, how much she relied on him to keep her from getting discouraged. He knew how hopeless she felt, and how hard it was to muster up that little hope she did have. And what had he done? Gone and dashed it to ribbons. She had lost her parents in this war. Of course she needed to know that there was a hope that what she was fighting for wasn't impossible.

In what insane world was it ok to crush hope? How thick was he that she actually had to remind him not to be an unfeeling brute? Why had he said that? Of course she wasn't naive. How could she be after her own parents' murder? After all she had helped him do, and all he had already taught her? After (he shuddered at the thought) she had been tortured by the dark lord himself?

Well, he was slow to catch on sometimes but at least now he knew. To Lily, this wasn't just about Remus. It was about fighting for a better world, and wondering whether they were losing that fight... and that world.

When put like that, James found himself hoping as well. Perhaps Moony's luck really was improving. Perhaps this time there would be no fall.

He stepped towards her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and resting his head on top of hers, as they usually did. She had said she depended on him. He needed her just as much. She was his cause after all. Any creature could make him feel human, any muggle could make him feel like a wizard, any woman could make him feel like a man, but only Lily could truly make him feel like James.

"It seems that things are finally looking up for Remus," he said conversationally. Lily half chuckled half hiccoughed into his chest.

"Sorry for coming off so girly on you," she said pulling away and dabbing at her eyes.

"Don't worry about it," he said plopping down on the couch, consequently taking her along with him. She landed rather ungracefully on top of him and his arms snaked around her waist. "'Cause I wouldn't like you half so well if you were a boy," he said grinning wolfishly at her.

"No no no, we don't have time for that. It's almost dinner."

He was slightly disappointed by this, but at least he had food to look forward to. He could momentarily ignore one appetite to gratify another. "Shall we head down then?"

"They won't be serving just yet. And besides, I have to change first."

"Why not wear what you have on?"

"Because..." she began regretfully, as if she really didn't want to be explaining. "I have to wear my uniform just like all the other students at the welcome back feast."

He immediately stiffened. He had forgotten that before Padfoot's urgent mirror about Moony and the subsequent scene, he had been panicking. How could he keep forgetting about this? He tried to clear his throat and say something and even though he wasn't exactly panicking anymore he still couldn't think of what to say. Instead he rose to his feet and crossed his arms over his chest.

"I know you don't want to talk about it and frankly neither do I but we've got to," she said.

Again, James cleared his throat to make way for something wonderfully insightful... that of course didn't come.

"What do _you _want to do? Whatever it is I'll go along with it." She searched his eyes for an answer his mouth wouldn't provide but found nothing. She sighed and said disappointedly, "You should probably go."

He didn't.

"You didn't bring the cloak. Leave now before the train arrives, if it hasn't already."

He still didn't move.

"Oh just... GO! I'll see you tomorrow morning."

It seemed to James as if she were prodding him out the door. Whether it was wandless magic or the intensity of her stare that finally forced him out of the portrait hole he couldn't be certain. He rather suspected it was magic.

As he walked down the hall he rumpled his hair agitatedly. 'I'll see you tomorrow morning," she had said. _Tomorrow morning_. She was obviously not best pleased with his inability to contribute anything useful. _Or anything at all_ for that matter. If they had actually been living together he would be sleeping on the couch tonight, he had no doubt. She was denying him her company for that evening, and who knew how many more. He had yet to decide whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. At least it would give him time to think.

x

By the time Lily had calmed herself and dried her eyes for the third time that evening she was bordering on running late for dinner. She tried to enter the Great Hall inconspicuously, but with no success. Once again, Lily felt the stares of her fellow students on her, judging her. She had had nightmares like this. The Hall fell silent for only a moment before it burst into a raucous din again. Lily was taking her seat next to Rupert when she realised that all the noise was not only _about _her, but actually directed _at _her. People were shouting questions she could barely make out over other people's loud and intrusive inquiries. Even her fellow Gryffindors were shouting at her, asking her to explain what happened in Dover, if she really did kill Togglepike, whether she really was working with Potter and the Ministry. Had she actually _seen_ 'You-Know-Who.'

Lily tried to ignore them and turned to Rupert and the rest of the Quidditch team, all of whom were gallantly trying to pretend that they didn't hear any of it. They smiled awkwardly but encouragingly at Lily, who smiled back. She tried to ask them how their holidays had been but none of them could hear her over the racquet.

"What? What?" they shouted. Lily looked to Rupert in sad desperation. He gave her a condoling look, but of course was unable to do anything. She was starting to get panicky. Her hands began to shake and she was looking about the room nervously, eyeing longingly the only exit.

She wanted nothing more at that moment than to be gone from Hogwarts.

x

James watched on, anger and worry increasing equally with every passing moment. Her eyes were wide, wild, and darting about the room. She looked afraid and desperate, like a cornered animal.

Determinedly he got to his feet and strode to the headmaster. "Can't you do something? This is ridiculous! Unacceptable!"

McGonagall, who sat next Dumbledore, gave James a commiserating look. The headmaster nodded and James sat back down at his place rather huffily.

The hall immediately fell silent at Dumbledore's request for order.

"I had wanted to save the announcements until _after_ everyone had filled their bellies but it seems as if it can't wait. Firstly, I'd like to welcome all of you who have decided to return back to Hogwarts." He made an announcement about a slight change in the timetables and also about needing a new Head Boy. Then came the part that everyone wanted to hear.

120 seconds. That was all the headmaster needed for his explanation. To James, so much had happened regarding Dover it would have taken two _hours_, but the headmaster seemed to succinctly sum up the entire situation with the utmost tact in a mere two _minutes_. He said that Lily, from a friend in Gringotts had come across some sensitive information and asked Professor Potter, who by now she and everyone else knew to be a Ministry Auror, to go with her to investigate, resulting in an encounter with the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters.

James was aware that everyone's eyes were on either him or Lily, which made secretly trying to watch her reaction more difficult. Finally deciding he didn't care if people saw, he looked over to find her slumping low in her seat, Rupert leaning forward in an attempt to put himself in between her and curious onlookers.

x

When Dumbledore had finished the announcements a silence followed that seemed just as oppressive and intrusive as the clamour had been. When people finally started eating again she rose from the bench.

"I'm not very hungry; I think I'll just go back to my room."

"I'll go with you," Roo offered. She was about to tell him 'no thanks,' but remembering that the short letter she had written over the holidays at Sirius' behest was the only communication they had had in a month, she agreed. Once they left the Great Hall she was feeling much better and glad she had decided to let him come. He told her about his holiday, what he had given his family for Christmas. "Oh, and Evie wanted me to tell you Happy New Year. Actually I think she just like saying it. She was shouting "Happy New Year" long before midnight and continued long after. I think she was looking for any excuse to say it. Kids," he said shrugging, but a loving smile warmed his face.

Lily couldn't help but smile too as they walked through the portrait hole. She loved listening to Rupert talk about his family. So whole and happy. She recalled well enough her own New Year. It had been a full moon and the wind that blew across the astronomy tower had been bitterly cold.

"And what about you?" he asked tentatively. "I mean, I know what Dumbledore said and everything but he left out the most important part."

"What was that?"

"How you are," he answered. "It must have been rough. What was it like? Are you alright? I mean that article in the Prophet was just insulting. How did you endure it?"

"I had actually forgotten it, with all the other things that have happened."

"What? What could have possibly happened that was so momentous that it made you forget you had fought with the greatest dark wizard of our age? Not to mention being considered dead and charged with a load of crimes. And being falsely accused of murder too, of course."

"It wasn't a false accusation. That's the only thing the Prophet _did_ get right. Oh, and the falling off the cliff bit I suppose."

Rupert stared at her, flabbergasted. Apparently he was waiting for her to tell him it was a joke, that she hadn't killed anyone and the falling off a cliff was an exaggeration. Naturally she couldn't give him those assurances. When he realised they weren't forthcoming he asked, dry mouthed, "What?"

Lily considered the boy in front of her. She trusted him, she did, but could she really tell him all? She didn't doubt his secrecy; she doubted his ability to cope with the truth. But that should be his decision, not hers.

She leaned in towards him, steadily probing his eyes with her own. With her face mere inches away from his she asked in a low voice, "How much do you _really_ want to know?"

x

James watched Lily and Ferris leave the Great Hall together and looked down at his plate. Nearly half of his meal remained, the food that had been completely ignored since Lily had walked in. He half-heartedly finished the rest before excusing himself. As he strode toward the Hospital Wing he patted his breast pocket to make sure he still had his notebook with him, and that he hadn't left it in Lily's common room. Finding it, he pulled it out and flipped through the pages. He had intended to discuss this with her tonight, but apparently it would have to wait.

Since he wouldn't be seeing her til morning, and therefore had the rest of the evening free he thought he might as well be productive and talk to Madame Pomfrey about what Lily had suggested. Not only did he agree it was a good idea, but working on Lily's project made him feel that even though she weren't with him, they were still working together. They were still a team.

Lily had said she had discussed the idea with Madame Pomfrey already, but he didn't expect the healer to be so eager.

Embarrassedly she admitted, "I didn't think I would ever actually use them, but when Miss Evans first started working here and mentioned the idea I made a few notes, just in case."

It wasn't just a few notes, but a full lecture and lesson plan. How long had she been waiting for this chance? Despite her own desire, would she have continued to sit back and let the system go unchanged if Lily hadn't done it for her? She obviously had been longing to do this, so why hadn't she?

He didn't ask her this though. Instead he arranged for her to take classes that week. James assured himself that he _wasn't_being a coward, and that Madame Pomfrey taking over for a while was in _no way_ a method for James to avoid teaching Lily in class, and that he was simply eager for his students to learn the very important matter of healing.

He shook her hand and was about to leave when she called him back.

"Potter!"

He stopped and as he turned back around to face her said, "Aye?"

"Tell Miss Evans I would like to see her tomorrow morning before classes start."

James had nodded in agreement before he realised that he wouldn't be seeing her before classes either. Another realisation struck and he squinted at the healer suspiciously. Why would she presume that he would see Lily between now and then to even _give _her the message? Or perhaps he was over thinking it. Maybe Madame Pomfrey simply meant for him to tell her at breakfast. Studying the woman's face and remembering all that she had done for both Lily and himself he decided he didn't care what she had or hadn't inferred. With their privacy policies, healers were excellent at keeping secrets and although she might act differently, James knew Pomfrey was extremely fond of both them. He smirked slightly and gave her a respectful bow (if one can be respectful and sarcastic at the same time) before exiting.

'Now for a quick trip to the kitchens and then back to Lily's,' he thought, and then added aloud. "'_Tomorrow morning_' **my**_** wand**_."

x

Leaving out certain teeny tiny details, such as Voldemort's stone; the muggle Tom; Severus' intervention; the Order of the Phoenix; and her relationship with James, Lily recounted both exploits in Dover including how and why she came to be there. She had to go much farther back than she thought. She started with finding the howling chest in the dungeons. He interrupted her more than once as she related everything.

"They know when we apparate?" he asked, horror-struck. She nodded gravely.

"Which is why we couldn't travel using any method regulated by the Department of Magical Transportation."

She continued on, explaining as much as she dared until her mouth was dry, her throat sore, and Rupert too shocked to take in anything else. After several moments of contemplative silence where they simply stared into the dying embers in her fire place Rupert finally spoke.

"Why you?"

"Pardon?"

"Why are _you_ helping the ministry?"

"I'm not exactly helping the ministry. It can't really be trusted. I'm helping justice."

"You're helping _Potter_."

"We are fighting the same fight."

"You've been doing things for him all along. He told me so when you wouldn't wake up in St. Mungo's. Any danger or trouble you've been in this year has been because _he_ dragged you into it! It was _his_ fault you were in the lake! It was _his _fault you might've been killed in Hogsmeade. _His_ fault you were nearly killed by You-Know-Who! _Twice!_"

Lily didn't often get mad at Roo, but he had pressed a rather sensitive button and she couldn't stop herself from lashing out.

"You don't know what you're talking about!" she shouted. "It's not _his_ fault there was a cursed necklace in the lake. He tried to keep me _out _of Hogsmeade but I insisted on going despite his protests. And _I_ was the one who dragged _him_ to Dover! _Not_ the other way around! So stop blaming _him_; he's the best thing that ever happened to me!"

The expression on Rupert's face after that last pronouncement caused every last ounce of anger to evaporate. Feeling exposed and embarrassed at her own revealing outburst she added, "That is... he gave me the opportunity I so desperately wanted. I'm finally _doing_ something. Before this year I did nothing with my time but study, nothing with my talent but useless mischief, nothing with my spirit but mope and mourn. Everything is different now. And you are right, it _is_ because of him. And I am better off for it. What I have now is more than I ever could have hoped for. He's given me my chance and I'm going to make the most of it."

x

All this time he had been wanting to think that Potter had been using _her_. It only just now occurred to him that it might be the other way around. Using her influence over him (for she obviously had one) to get her chance. He remembered that Lily had remained unmoved with the young handsome new Defence Against the Dark Arts professor when all the other girls were dazzled. She had only shown an interest in him_ after _she learned he was an auror.

He shook his head, knowing it wasn't that simple. Love is never that simple. Even though she wouldn't admit it to him; _that_ was clearly the issue here. He had known for a long time. As had Black. She was stuck in a very dangerous place and no one could bring her back. She didn't even _want_ to come back. She was lost forever. He grew melancholy thinking of the day when Lily Evans' luck would finally run out. How many times could she fight and yet still evade death? One more time? Two? How much time did she have? How much time did anyone?

x

"You know I was a prefect last year," Rupert stated randomly after several moments of rather awkward silence. Lily turned to him, the tilt of her head and the expression on her face seeming to say 'of course I know that but what does it have to do with anything?' "I was thinking... I could be Head with you."

She gasped. "Would you really?"

"Well... yeah. Why not, right?"

"Well it is a bit of a responsibility, and we would have to start working on the plans for the dance immediately."

"Dance?"

"Dumbledore's idea. A bit of a pick me up for the students. And of course there are the prefect meetings, they generally handle patrols but we have to do it occasionally. We are the students' liaison with the faculty and we attend staff meetings on the students' behalf."

"Sounds like fun," he said in a tone that clearly indicated that it did _not_ sound like fun at all.

"Well if you don't want to do it you don't have to."

"No, I'll do it. I want to be involved. Can't let you keep everything to yourself, can I? No. I am determined to be as helpful as possible. There will be no getting rid of me now."

"I don't want to get rid of you, Roo."

"Even though I can't promise you evil encounters or... or duels with Death Eaters?"

Lily embraced him tightly, saying nothing. Rupert sat there, allowing himself to be hugged. "You'll go with me, then?"

"Go where?"

"To the thing."

Lily knew this to mean the dance. "Of course. No one else with whom I _could_ go."

"All the better for me. It'll make it easier to keep an eye on you."

"Keep an eye on me indeed. It's a dance, Roo, not an undercover mission."

"Not for _you_ perhaps. You never know who might be lurking in tails or dress robes, waiting for a chance to slip poison into your punch."

"Rupert Balthazar Ferris!"

Rupert pulled out of the hug and held Lily at an arm's distance so he could look clearly into her face. "I'm worried," he said simply. "After all you've done, and all that they have already _tried_ to do." His eyes rolled to the ceiling and he heaved a sigh. He returned his gaze to her and regarded her sincerely, eyes considering every aspect of her face without really seeing it. Shrugging helplessly he admitted softly, "I'm terrified."

"_No_," she whispered. "_Be anything but afraid. Not for me._"

"I'll feel better knowing I'm with you. Too many times I've come too late, been the last to know. Either by gossiping students or by reading it in the paper. I can't stand it. At least this way, being on the scene all the time, I'll _know_ what it is I have to worry about."

"So the reason you want to be Head Boy is..."

"I said I wanted to help, didn't I?"

"I thought you meant..."

"Decorating?" he provided, snorting sarcastically. She smiled sheepishly.

"There's no on else I'd rather have by my side. No one I could better count on. I'll tell Dumbledore."

"No, I'll do it. I was going to head that way," said a voice. Both Lily and Rupert were surprised to hear another person in the room, but neither was surprised that the other person turned out to be James Potter.

How long he had been there they didn't know.

"_Merlin, aurors really know their stuff_," Rupert whispered under his breath. The Professor's sudden appearance had startled him more than he would like to confess. His face remained calm, even if his heart was beating like a war drum.

Potter strode in professionally, plate in hand, with a notebook under one arm and a silky looking cloak under the other. He placed the plate down in front of Lily.

"Eat," he commanded, then revised his statement. "You should eat something." He removed the notebook from under his arm, bending over her he placed it carefully in her lap. Straightening back up again he said, "Look at it..." His eyes darted from her, to Rupert, and then back to her again without blinking. "_Later_."

Meaning 'when she was alone.'

She nodded ever so slightly. She recognised the notebook. It was the one he had been scribbling in constantly for the past two weeks. No doubt it contained his plans and ideas for how to thwart the security of the Department of Magical Transportation. With sad nostalgia she recalled that it also contained a bawdy sonnet, written only the day before. Perhaps he had taken it out. Or perhaps there was a new message. A letter or something finally telling her what he felt they should do. Regardless of what it may contain, she would have to wait until Rupert left before she could do anything about it.

He was marching back toward the door, looking every ounce an officer of magical law enforcement, when he turned around to look at her once more.

"Oh, and I have a message from Madame Pomfrey."

"Yes?"

"She said to find her at breakfast tomorrow." The professional steel in his eyes melted to the usual warm amber she was used to. "I think she might be wanting to look at your ehm..." He cleared his throat and put his hand to his own middle. Lily wondered how she would explain to the healer the sudden absence of those burnt marks around her waist, wrists and ankles.

He cleared his throat again. "Goodnight Ferris, Lily," he said to each of them, then withdrew the cloak from under his arm and brought it about him, vanishing completely. The portrait hole eased open and closed again. He was gone.

"A... a _real _invisibility cloak. I... I didn't think they actually _existed_," Rupert said, amazed. "Do all aurors get one?"

"No. I think his may be the only one." She supposed that perhaps James considered it less exposing to reveal it to one person rather than run the risk of being seen leaving her room by several. She had no doubt that a few curious classmates would be lurking until curfew.

"Is... everything alright between the two of you?" Rupert asked uncertainly.

"Yes."

"He seemed a bit..."

"It's been a long week. And it just keeps getting longer."

"You aren't quarrelling?"

"No," she replied flatly, growing wearier of this short dialogue than she had from the entire previous conversation.

"So nothing's wrong?"

Lily chose this time to dig into the plate of food James had brought her. It was rude to eat and talk at the same time, so she chose only to eat, staring determinedly either at her food or at the blazing fire in the hearth. Rupert took the hint. He too stared at the flames.

Minutes later he said, "Well it's almost curfew and I haven't done any of the homework yet so..."

"What a splendid Head Boy you'll make," she teased, although her heart really wasn't in it.

Rupert smiled back. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"G'night."

"Night."

Lily showered quickly and applied herself to the task of James' notes. She read the entire notebook through, making comments and concentrating hard on the material she was given. She went through it a second and third time, pouring over it for hours, making sure to notice every detail. She told herself that it was out of the sake of thoroughness that she was so meticulous, but deep down she knew she was just checking for a private message that she might have missed. She had smiled when she saw that the colourful verses were still there, but frowned at finding nothing new. She still continued reading, trying to think of more new and productive things to add to his own ideas. She didn't want to stop, despite her drooping eyelids. So long as she was still working on his notes it was as if (although they weren't _actually_ together) they were still _working_ together. They were still a team, still together on one level at least. That much had communicated by giving her the notebook. Was that what he had meant by all his professionalism? From here on in, it's strictly business? She desperately went through the notebook again.

'Nothing,' she thought as she gnawed on a chicken bone and stared at her now empty plate. No note whatsoever. No apology, no 'I know it's a difficult situation but don't worry I still love you,' not a thing to let her know that he still wanted to find a way to be together. She crunched through the bone. Startled at her own viciousness, she placed the bone pieces on the plate. She froze, suddenly exhilarated. 'Stupid girl,' she thought. The message hadn't been in the notebook, it had been in the food. Rather, the message _was_ the food. That was how he showed he cared. A smile warmed her face as much as the fire did.

The fire. It had been dying when she and Rupert had begun their conversation and now it burned strongly. It had to have been James' doing even though she hadn't seen him take out his wand. Another silent statement.

His visiting Madame Pomfrey, signalling his working on the DADA/healing project, his revealing the cloak's existence to Roo was his own display trust and solidarity. His offering to tell Dumbledore about the Head Boy-ship himself was his seal of approval. They were all messages.

He had said his piece without uttering a word. It was subtle but all the more powerful for its secrecy and profundity. Just as their relationship would be. She liked this method better. They wouldn't talk about it. They didn't need to. They knew what was important.

She put on her slippers and cloak and tucked the notebook under her arm and stole out of her common room, dodging into the first available secret passage just in case. If anyone tried to tail her she would lose them there. They couldn't follow her in without the password, nor would they know where it came out. Perhaps she was being overly cautious but it was better to be safe than sorry.

This was especially true, considering that her tactics succeeded, and the person watching from distant shadows had no choice but return to their room, thwarted and disappointed.

x

Neither of them said anything as she slid into bed beside him. He simply pulled her in and kissed the back of her head. With his arm around her middle and face in her hair, James finally fell asleep.

xx

At that same moment hundreds of miles away near London, two men descended a grey stone staircase. The passage was lit intermittently by too few candles. Wax dripped from the candelabras onto the steps, making them slick. It was apparent no one ever bothered to clean this place.

One man was used to this kind of filth, didn't even notice it. The other was constantly making note of everything he saw, good, bad, clean, dirty, dark or darker. He stored it all away into some back log in his mind. One never knows what piece of information might come in useful when making an escape.

"Which way now, do you reckon?" one of them asked when they reached the bottom of the staircase to find a hallway. There was no straight, one could only go right or left. 'Or back they way we came' he thought to himself. But no, that wasn't an option. Not yet, anyway.

"Don't know. Didn't hear anything about this." Their voices seemed to echo in the stone corridor. It made them both uneasy. Their grips (already on their wands) tightened reflexively.

"Should we split up?" the man with the gaunt face and blackened eye asked.

"No," the other replied. He remembered what happened the _last_ time someone had suggested separating. He had allowed it then and it had ended badly. "We'll try one way, then another. Fly of follow?"

"I'll fly," he said taking position in front. His friend followed behind, guarding their rear. "Merlin where did you hear about this?" he asked after several minutes of following the seeming unending passage.

"Same way every one else does, I'd imagine. _Family connections_," he answered drily.

"What 'family connections'?" the thin man asked mockingly.

"It's been years since I've heard anything. Perhaps it's not even meeting anymore," the more elegant man said, taking a moment to rewrap the bandage around his recently sliced hand.

They stopped at the same time, hearing the same sound. The rumble of voices behind a door at the end of the passageway fell upon their eardrums with all the urgency of a wasp wings' hum. They turned to each other.

"Well this is it. How do I look?"

"Different," he said, looking his friend up and down, approving the disguise. The only thing that remained was that bruise around the eye he himself had given him earlier that day.

"Sorry about the face, mate."

"Don't be. I think it adds to the overall effect," he said lightly.

"Shall we?"

"Let's."

Both men approached the door, knocking three times and then stood there waiting. The voices within died down and they heard footsteps approach.

The door opened and a man appeared, wand out and at the ready. The two visitors kept their wand hands in their pockets.

"Well?" the doorman asked.

One of them stepped forward, offering his sliced hand for inspection. His blood as well as his gleaming family ring offered the assurance they needed. After one look at that serpent coiled around an emerald the doorman nodded in approval.

"What about him?" he asked, tilting his head to the other visitor.

"A trusted family friend."

It took the man a while to decide whether or not the man with the bruised face was worthy of entering or not. But that ring seemed to carry enough weight. The family was renowned for being so very careful about the company they kept. Both were finally allowed to pass through.

They stepped inside and looked around. A more unpleasant bunch they had never seen. All faces in the dim candlelight turned to them, eyes squinted in scrutiny. The man with the bandage and ring stepped forward, somehow smiling confidently as if nothing gave him more pleasure than being there. He held out his bandaged hand in salutation, palm facing the crowd. He swaggered down a few steps into the much larger main chamber where he was greeted with surprise but enthusiasm by men who now considered him as one of their own.

His friend with the black eye remained a moment on the platform, staring down at the huge crowd. He hadn't expected there would be so many. It was dark inside the room, but it didn't matter to him. He could still see quite well the expressions on everyone's faces. Their shady eyes, he knew, only _looked_ so wholly black because they were so widely dilated to allow in what little there was. Still the effect made everyone, even his friend... look evil.

'_Padfoot what __**have**__ you got us into?' _Remus thought helplessly.


	54. Bully for James

* * *

_**Chapter 54: Bully for James**_

James wasn't surprised to find Lily gone the next morning when he awoke. He had overslept. Not that it mattered; Madame Pomfrey had his first class anyway. It was ten minutes til lessons started. Deciding that breakfast was impossible without the use of a time turner, he showered and dressed, thinking that he had the entire lesson to eat in the kitchens.

James stepped into the classroom on the hour exactly, the precise moment the lessen was to begin . Everyone, including the healer was already there. Well, _almost_ everyone. Perhaps Lily had overslept too and was running late as well.

"Good morning class!" he greeted loudly.

"Good morning Professor Potter," they greeted back.

"I hope you all had a pleasant holiday," he started politely and was about to continue when he was interrupted by some smart-aleck in the back. One of Lily's 'eye boys'.

"Definitely better than yours!" he shouted. The boys chuckled and the girls looked concerned and hurt on their poor professor's behalf.

"Tell us more about Dover!" one shouted. James ignored him.

"Lessons this week will be a bit special," he continued.

"Did Evans really kill Togglepike? You'd know, you were there!" someone interrupted.

"**Madame Pomfrey**," he continued loudly through gritted teeth. "Is going to teach you the basic principles of healing."

"Yeah! Where is Evans, anyway?"

His brows furrowed and he looked to Ferris cocking one eyebrow he seemed to silently ask, 'Yes, where _is_ Lily?'

'_Hospital Wing_' the boy mouthed. James nodded, and decided to wrap up his little introductory speech as quickly as possible and get down there. How the girl had managed to injure herself in the hour they had been apart he didn't know.

"You should know, Professor. She's your partner after all. Or that's what it says in Witch Weekly..." said the other of the two 'eye-boys'.

Patience finally lost, he fired a curse across the room and hit the boy right on target.

"MY EYE!" the boy cried, this time _truly_ afflicted with the conjunctivitis curse, he did have to fake the pain and discomfort as he had once before. James pounded towards him and grabbed him by the sleeve and dragged him back to the front of the classroom. The students fell silent and Madame Pomfrey looked shocked and offended.

"Tell me, what you would intend to do if I were a dark wizard and you weren't at Hogwarts, hmm? What if this were you?" he asked to the rest of the class. "Or a dear friend or family member?"

"My eye! My eye!" the boy continued wailing.

"Would you continue asking stupid questions about Witch Weekly articles? Let him go on crying? Sit there being useless? Tell me do you like the idea of depending on the hospital wing? Well you won't always be at Hogwarts. Soon you'll be out there," he said pointing out the window. "And when something happens to you the nearest healer will be a lot farther away than the ground floor. Did you know that St. Mungo's is currently so overloaded with patients they have to turn away people with lesser injuries? Pinky here would have a long long wait before anyone ever saw him, if they did at all. What would you do then?" He looked around the classroom at his students and they all looked back, swallowing hard and trying to meet the Professor's hard stare without turning away. Only a few managed.

"Even though it's not on your NEWTs I trust you will all listen to Madame Pomfrey _most_ attentively." And if that threat hadn't been clear enough he added to the healer, "If they give you any problems, be sure to let me know."

He shoved the boy towards her and stalked out of the room, his angry determined footsteps echoing in the hallway for the class to hear. When they finally died away there was a brief silence in the room which gave the students time to reflect. Each and every one of them came to the same conclusion. This semester was going to be immeasurably tougher than the last. To themselves, they all silently resolved that they too, would be tougher that they had been. Rather than be angry at their Professor for his harshness, their admiration for him rose. They wanted to learn from this hardened auror. They trusted him to teach them what they really needed to know.

x

Looking around the Hospital Wing, James was puzzled to find all the beds empty. Where was she then?

"What are you doing here?" Lily asked, immerging from the potions and supply closet.

"I might ask you the same question."

"Madame Pomfrey asked me to look after the wing for her. Shouldn't you be in class?"

"She didn't tell you _why_ she wanted you to mind the wing?" he asked with an annoying smirk.

"She didn't tell me, and I didn't ask. That's her business."

"She's covering DADA today. Hence her need for a wing-sitter," he explained, sitting himself on the nearest bed. It squeaked under his weight.

"Ah ha... so you get to loaf about then," she said casually, but James could tell how pleased she was that they actually went through with the change in curriculum.

"Mmhmm. So did she ask about the ehm..." By association, it seemed, the word 'burn' somehow came to have an equal level of taboo as 'Snape.' He never said it, only indicated with sign language.

"She didn't ask to see them this morning, but suggested a check up after classes today when we are both free.

"How have you decided to get out of that one?"

"Haven't made up my mind yet. So many options..."

"So many _lies_...?"

"Yes well, at least they aren't directed at you."

"_Anymore_."

"Oh come off it, will you?"

"I'm only teasing," he assured her with a smile.

"I know. I meant to tell you at breakfast I wouldn't be in class, but you weren't there."

"Overslept."

"I guessed as much."

"You might have woken me."

"I'm not your alarm clock, Potter," she defended. Actually, she was. He had during the last few weeks of holidays put away his "hell's bells" alarm clock and rose only when she showered. This morning she must have gone back to her own room for that.

He was about to voice this point when two first years entered the wing. One was carrying a broom, clearly there to escort his injured companion, who was currently bawling his eyes out.

Lily was upon them in a moment. The uninjured boy looked confused, and peered past Lily in hopes of finding the healer. His eyes landed on his Defence Against the Dark Arts professor, which seemed better than nothing. It was James to whom he spoke. "Fell off his broom. Reckon it's a broken wrist."

Lily, who had herself broken a wrist and knew the pain it caused and how to heal it, did so before the other boy had even finished his explanation. The uninjured boy's brows rose in surprise. Lily grinned proudly at her handiwork, but the smile fell. They boy was still wailing.

Worried that she hadn't done it properly she asked, "Does it still hurt?"

The boy wiped his drippy nose on the formerly broken wrist and sputtered, "N.. No..."

Lily frowned. "Is there something else I can do to help?"

The boy continued sniffling. "No," he replied miserably, still weeping.

"Why is he still crying then?" she whispered to James, who had come to stand behind her.

"I would have to say..." He considered the boy for a moment. "Because he fell off his broom."

"But I already healed..." she began but James interrupted.

"I didn't say he was crying because he broke his wrist, I said he was crying because he fell off his broom. Leave this to me," he said stepping passed her.

"Oh stop it you big cry-baby. I'm missing flying lesson," his friend complained.

"You can return to the pitch," James dismissed coldly. It was more of a command. The boy looked slightly wounded, but another glance at his weeping classmate, he wrinkled his nose and turned around and jogged out of the room, broom in hand.

"Banks!" James barked. Startled, the boy stopped crying immediately and stared blinkingly at his Professor. He crouched down so he was level with the boy. "Falling off your broom doesn't mean you'll never make the Quidditch team. Believe me, all Quidditch players, professionals or not, have fallen off their broomstick at some point. Better get it over with at the very first when you still have an excuse," he said with a grin.

"But... Davies was watching."

"Even if Davies wouldn't be gone next year and a new Gryffindor captain chosen it _still_ wouldn't mean you have no chance to get on the team. You are just starting out, it's expected you'll make mistakes. Besides, falling makes you tougher. How high were you?"

"Dunno... 15 feet?"

James grinned and jabbed a thumb at his chest. "38" he said proudly. "I do believe I hold the record for Hogwarts this century. Though the Peruvian seeker fell 40 in the last World Cup. Still lived and everything."

The boy nodded, wide eyed.

"So how did you fall?"

"How?"

"Yes, how?" The boy looked confused at this simple question so James elaborated. "What were the circumstances that led to your premature dismount?"

"Erm.. well... there was wind. And I guess I lost my balance."

"Mmhmm." James' hand was on his chin as he circled the boy, inspecting.

"Balance," he said, "is _the_ most important aspect of flying. And how one keeps their balance is what distinguishes the good flyers from the rest. Do you know one of the most important things to maintain your balance?"

"Good grip?"

James chuckled. "Stand on one foot."

"Wah?"

"Go on. Stand on one foot."

Looking confused the boy did as he was told. That is, he tried to at least. As he lifted his left leg his thin arms flung about in the air like dysfunctional windmills. As he teetered and tottered, tapping his airborne foot to the ground occasionally to keep himself from falling over, James continued on with what was soon becoming yet another one of his famous lectures. Except this time it was on a subject which he could expound upon with unbridled enthusiasm. However determined he was when it came to the dark arts, it was hard to be enthusiastic about it.

"On the contrary, relying on a tight grip can be your downfall. Literally. If you can't take your hands off your broom how do expect to handle a Quaffle, bludger bat, or snitch? You keep your hold by tightening here, here, and here." He indicated his abdomen, inner thighs and buttocks. "Use your legs for stability, clenching is what keeps you on your broom, not gripping. With the proper technique you should be able to fly upside down without any danger of falling off. And keeping your core tight keeps you balanced, even if you are reaching far over the side of your broom to make a catch."

He took off shirt and indicated the boy to do the same. "No matter how I turn, I'm keeping tight, see?" he said, rotating his upper body right and left while his lower body remained still. Lily couldn't help but smile comparing James' well developed body with the boy's puny pale frame. "You do it. That's right. Flex... flex... stay tight... good! Now keeping that core tight try standing on one leg again. Easier this time, isn't it? Right, let's see your riding posture."

In one swift movement he swiped Lily's wand from her pocket with one hand while at the same time whipped a sheet off the nearest bed and tossed it in the air with the other. While it flew above their heads he transfigured it in a second so that when he reached up, he caught what was now a wooden stick that greatly resembled a broom. Both Banks _and_ Lily dropped their jaws in surprise and admiration at the smooth and impressive trick. James didn't seem to notice that he had done anything spectacular, and missed both their expressions.

By that time he had charmed the broomstick to float a few feet off the ground and returned Lily's wand to her pocket. "Thank you, dear. Now mount," he said, turning that last command to the boy. Seeing the boy's hesitation he soothed, "Don't worry, it's charmed only to hover at that exact height. It can't fly away with you. I just want to see how you sit your broom."

The boy got on and once again James made an inspective circle around him. "Well no wonder you toppled over, you sit that thing as if you are one of the old farts in the Wizengamot. It's a broom, not a throne. Choke up a bit, reach for the tip of the broom, bring your body closer to the wood. You sit 90 degrees like that and you're just a sail catching the breeze. You'll be blown about in the wind. You want to _streamline_," he said pushing the boy's back down. "Cut through the air faster that way. Now most people go for 45, but I'd say if you are chasing or seeking you're better off at 25. Unless of course you are racing, in which case I would try to be as parallel as possible. For now let's try to do a 35 degree angle and you can go lower when you are more comfortable. Remember what I said about your legs and hind end. You need to squeeze. But don't let go of your core! Tighten!" he commanded, poking the boy in the stomach.

In fact, while James Potter had been the Gryffindor Quidditch captain, he had made going topless in practice mandatory, save for Dorcas Meadowes, who was exempt from this rule. For one, it made his (male) team members conscious about keeping everything tight. Also it encouraged them to work out in between practices to have a more impressive physique to show off. Secondly, it hardened them, having to fly in all weather conditions, rain and snow. Last (and probably not the least, though it should have been) was that the ladies of Hogwarts often came to view their practices and he was eager to make a good impression. For three years, the men of the Gryffindor Quidditch team were seen as gods among students. And yes, perhaps he did let it get to his head, but never so far as to interfere with the actual practice and _certainly_ not for the games. When James had Quidditch on the brain, he thought of nothing else.

"You need to keep it all together. It will become habit if you practice. You won't have to thinking about sucking in and you can just concentrate on the ball, whichever one that happens to be. Now, you've got your legs and abdominals let's move onto your arms. See how your elbows are hanging down? That's a no no. It they hang loose like that not only do you weaken your frame but you lose the ability to turn easily. Cock your elbows out until you can feel your biceps start to burn. See that lovely round shape you've made with your arms? You use that to control and steer. Easier now, isn't it?"

The boy nodded, surprised at this sudden transformation and ease with which the stick seemed to obey.

"So keep those arm muscles tight. Can't expect to handle a quaffle if they are flopping all over the place now can you? Control. Control. Control."

"Yes sir."

"The better you control your body, the better you control your broom."

"Yes sir."

"Good. So, as many push ups, sit ups and squats as you can do every evening."

"Yes sir!"

"And that's only the beginning. Once you have the flying technique, then the _real_ training begins, formations, strategies, teamwork, endurance, _winning_." The look on James' face was one of hungry excitement. He obviously missed his sport. He seemed to realise this and shook himself. "Ok, off with you."

The boy, grinning madly by this time, put back on his shirt with an enthusiasm that hindered his actual progress in dressing himself. Once he was fully clothed again he raced out of the hospital wing.

Lily forbore to tell him 'no running in the hallways.' It wouldn't have done any good; the door had already slammed shut behind him.

James bent over to extract his own wand from the pocket of his robes which now lay on the floor and changed the makeshift broomstick back into a sheet. She admired his back as the muscles moved and shifted under his skin as he worked, putting it back on the bed and tucking it in again.

She thought she now understood the appeal that Quidditch players held for most girls. It was the sheer power, determination, agility, speed, the focus that they displayed. That single minded drive and the utter mastery of their body and broom.

They thought, if only all that power and drive could be channelled away from the pitch and directed elsewhere... On themselves, for example. The thought that Quidditch players would likewise be as persistent and attentive to their women as they were to their sport..._ that_ was the real allure.

She put her palm to his skin without even meaning to. Now that it was there she let it take in the expanse of his back, the broadness of his shoulders. James froze but did not turn around.

"There is a time and a place, and it's neither here nor now," he said quietly. She hastily withdrew like a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

"I'm sorry. I couldn't help... I mean... It was an accident." She didn't want to say she couldn't help herself. To her, that only made her sound weak and overly... eager.

To a man, however, hearing that a woman simply couldn't resist him was just about as flattering a compliment as one could ever hope to receive. In that and all other respects, James was a man, and although secretly pleased he tried not to let it get to him.

He heard her footsteps back away, and he turned around. He tried not to look her in the eyes (for that had always been his downfall) but he couldn't help it. He had seen similar expressions on her face before (his favourite ones), but there was something new there that made him very curious.

"What is it?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"What?"

"I can't tell you."

Now he was hopelessly intrigued. He _had_ to know now. "Why not?"

"_It's neither the time nor the place_," she said almost mockingly.

She was building him up, whether she knew it or not. "Tell me," he commanded softly.

She looked back up at him and then uttered six words that would go down in James' Potter's book as the most seductive phrase of all time.

"Time and place be damned," he said taking two powerful steps toward her. He gripped the back of her neck with one big hand and forced her to him. Rather, it would have been forced had she not been so willing.

x

The gods of "Time and Place" were apparently angered, either that or Irony was up to his usual mischeif, or Chance simply had a sick sense of humour. In any case, four pounding seconds later Lily heard the handle of the hospital wing door start to turn. Her eyes flew open as time seemed to slow. She felt as if she couldn't move fast enough, the door was already starting to open. She shoved James away from her and took several steps back herself. The force of her push caused him to sit on the end of the bed.

The boy who had entered only had time to look between the student and teacher once before Lily made up her mind and muttered a spell.

_Vomitare_.

A split second later James' eyes bulged, then he bent double and emptied his stomach, sick splashing the hospital wing floor. Lily pulled a face but wiped it away and turned to the boy. He looked surprised and concerned. "Is it urgent?" she asked him quickly. James heaved again, a howl of pain coming out as a sickening gurgle.

The boy shook his head quickly in response.

"Wait there, I'll be with you in a minute."

He only managed breathe in once before the painful process started again. The floor around him was covered. Lily tried not to slip on it or get in the line of fire as she approached his bed and pulled the curtains around him, performing the habitual silencing charm.

_Finite Incantatem_.

He stopped spewing and groaned, falling back on the bed clutching his poor abused stomach.

"_Are you alright?!_" she whispered, despite the charm protecting their conversation from being overhead.

"_Uhgh_..."

"I'm so sorry, I panicked and didn't know what else to do!"

"No..." he said waving a hand weakly in the air. "It was well done." He spat a bit of lingering sick out of his mouth and onto the floor. "Very effective," he said making a disgusted face. He wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand and spat again.

"Here." She conjured a stream of water to spring from her wand and poured it into his mouth. He swished it around and spat it out then took another mouthful, doing the same thing. She retrieved his discarded robes (which thankfully had managed to avoid the fountain of vomit) and conjured a cloth to wipe his face. Once he was completely cleaned he fell back onto the bed again.

"Well _that_ was exhausting."

"I'm so sorry..." she apologised again, brushing the hair away from his face.

"Good thing I missed breakfast, or I would have lost it just now."

"Poppy!"

The house elf appeared instantly. "Most happily at your service," she greeted with a cheerful bow.

"Bring him something to eat. Whatever he wants. And see that he drinks plenty of water."

"The usual," he said to the house elf. She disappeared again and Lily cleaned up the mess on the floor. Then she turned to James and kissed him on the forehead saying, "I'll be back."

When she returned to the 5th year Hufflepuff (Neil Figglestein) she found him standing exactly where she left him.

"Sorry that took so long, you should have sat down."

He shook his head. "Is Professor Potter alright?"

"Yes, he'll be fine. Can I help you with something?"

"I was looking for Madame Pomfrey, actually."

Lily smiled. "She's busy. I'll be helping here today, or I can get her if it is a real emergency."

"Erm... They..." He stopped himself then started again. "I mean, it's just a burn. I'll come back later," he declared and began walking, no, _hobbling_, towards the door.

"Stop! If it's painful you shouldn't walk. I can treat a burn, but if you really don't want my help at least wait here. Don't put yourself through unnecessary pain."

Lily could easily read the boys face. He didn't like the idea of waiting here, but he liked the idea of walking even less. Finally, he nodded and stood next to the bed nearest to the door.

"You can sit down."

"No... I _can't_."

"Why n..." she began to ask, but the blush that began to spread across his entire face and neck answered her question. Lily was suddenly furious. "Who did this to you?" she demanded angrily. "They won't get away with this!"

The extremely embarrassed boy cleared his throat. "I'll just come back later after all. Madame Pomfrey doesn't ask questions."

"No, don't go. I'm sorry I won't ask any questions. I just want to help."

He considered it for a moment, and with a resigned sigh decided to accept her offer. "It happened this morning after breakfast. I tried to tough it out in class this morning but I just couldn't sit any longer."

"I am to understand this was magically inflicted?"

He nodded. She drew the curtains around the bed and they both stood there awkwardly for a moment. How was she to go about this? He was only two years below her; it would be incredibly embarrassing for him to have to drop his pants in front of a pretty older girl and ask to heal his behind, especially at an age where boys so desperately want to be men.

"I'll tell you what I'm going to do; I'm going to get some salves while you practice a cooling charm. _Infriare_. It won't heal it, just make it stop burning."

"Infriare?"

"That's right. Tell me when you have it."

She slipped through the curtains and heard the sound of Neil undressing, hissing in pain as he removed his trousers. "Infriare. Infriare."

"Infri**AR**e," she called out as she headed towards to supply cupboard.

"_InfriARe_. InfriARe," he continued. By the way he kept repeating it she knew he hadn't got it yet. Madame Pomfrey certainly wouldn't have approved of this method. She wouldn't have asked questions, true, but she would have insisted on cooling and applying the salve herself. Madame Pomfrey's first and only concern was the health and condition of the body. But Lily knew a thing or two about pride that the healer would never understand.

Despite her having taken her sweet time getting the salves he still hadn't managed to successfully do the spell by the time she returned.

"Erm..." she said through the curtain. "Perhaps if your tried thinking cold thoughts. Somewhere inside you there is a place just for cold, and its name is _Enfriare_. Find it. Feel it. Use it."

She opened the window to let in a freezing gust of wind so he could more easily sympathise with the spell. He repeated it twice more before he let out a "woop" of triumph.

Lily smiled, relieved that she wouldn't have to do it herself. Now he wouldn't be _completely_ miserable if it ever happened again. She desperately wanted to ask again who had done it, but she didn't. Healers didn't ask questions because it discouraged some people from seeking the medical attention they needed. Instead she simply held out the jar through the crack in the curtains for him to take.

"It needs to set for an hour or two, so just lie on your stomach and get comfortable."

"Thanks." She felt the weight of the jar disappear as he took it from her.

"Anything else I can do?"

"Erm, well seeing as Professor Potter is here you might tell him I won't be in his class next period. Well, then again he probably won't be either. But I left Transfig without a word of explanation to McGonagall."

"I have her next, I'll let her know."

"Thanks."

x

By the time she returned to him, James was already finished with his breakfast and Poppy had already gone back to the kitchens.

"How are you feeling?" she asked, running apologetic fingers through his hair.

"Good. Not as good as I _would_ have felt if I hadn't regurgitated half my vital organs onto the Hospital Wing floor... but good."

"I'm _soooooory_," she whined, hugging James' head tightly. Knowing she couldn't see it, he smiled. "Don't worry about it. I'm fine now, save a minor migraine."

"Aww..." she brought his head down to rest in her lap and began massaging his scalp and temples. It felt wonderful. He would have to remember this in the future when he _actually_ had a headache.

They had to take off the silencing charm so that she would be able to hear if someone came in needing help. No one did. At the end of the double period Lily woke him up (he had most contentedly fallen asleep in her lap) and waited for the healer to return with news of the first class. After Lily gave a brief summary of her morning the healer commented, "Monday mornings are always slow."

"Did the students give you any trouble?" James enquired.

"Not a bit. They were perfectly well behaved and paid close attention."

"Excellent."

"Is there any homework?" Lily asked.

"I would have liked to tell them to practice, but how can they?"

"What about signing up to help you in the Hospital Wing during their free time?" she suggested.

"I don't think we can force students into an extracurricular activity," James reasoned reluctantly. Madame Pomfrey nodded in disappointed agreement.

"Well you could always assign a 60 inch essay which they _would_ be required to do and then give them the _option_ of doing a shift in the hospital wing instead. They wouldn't _have_ to, of course. It would be entirely their choice to come or not."

James, unlike Madame Pomfrey, didn't try to hide the impiously victorious smile that crept over his face. He simply loved the way her mind worked. The way she went about solving some problems was inspiring. He briefly wondered what it would have been like if her mind had been included in the group during _his_ days at Hogwarts. 'Actually she probably would have teamed up with Remus to keep me and Sirius out of trouble,' he thought.

"Well, would you be adverse if some of my students shadowed you?" he asked, addressing the healer.

She shook her head, still not trusting herself to speak and expose herself. She would never admit to being anything but an upstanding Matron of the Healing Arts and would never stoop to tricks to get people to do what she wanted.

Now if _other_ people had no qualms with it then that was none of her business. And if their tricks happened to benefit her, well... then it was just a pleasant coincidence.

"Alright then. Well I must go, have a class to teach. Thanks Pops," he said giving the healer a manly pat on the back and walked out. Lily quickly shuffled after him before the healer had time to remember she wanted a look at her non existent burns.

"I can't believe you called her Pops," she said as they ascended.

"It was no good, she wasn't nearly as affronted as I wanted her to be. I'll have to take it up a notch. Next time it's going to be 'my ickle Popsikins.'"

Lily giggled. "And then?"

"Madame Poppy-pants."

Lily laughed. "How about Poppenator?"

"Or Popsicle!"

"Popperoni!"

"The Popmeister!"

"Poppipoo!"

Imagining James calling Madame Pomfrey '_Poppipoo'_ caused them both to break down laughing right there in the secret passage, clutching their sides. Lily fell to the steps and started banging her fist on the stones. James had to lean on the wall to stop himself from following her example. It wasn't even that funny, but sometimes people just need to laugh.

They started to calm down a bit, but like everyone else in these kinds of situations, once they looked at each other they started laughing all over again.

Eventually they controlled themselves long enough for James to help her up and walk her the rest of the way to the classroom.

She had just left the passage when James reached out and grabbed her hand, pulling her back.

"You work on Minerva and I'll do Horace. We trade lists at dinner," he whispered, his eyes twinkling mischeviously as his thumb carrssed her hand.

"Deal."

After a moment he let go of her. She went into Transfiguration and he dissappeared back down the passage, both grinning like fools.

"Lily..." a voice whispered from behind her. '_Oh spare me,_' she thought to herself.

"Is it true then? What they say about you two. You and the Professor."

Lily's blood froze. Exactly what rumours were there that hadn't already been confirmed by Dumbeldore? The headmaster had said all she was willing to admit to the public. Did they by any chance suspect the truth? In a desperate attempt to save the situation (if that was even possible) she said, "Yes it's all true. The potion smuggling and illicit trafficking of goblin jewellery onto the dark market. Business is ruined now though, now that the Prophet blew the whistle on us."

McGonagall appeared and waved her wand toward the board. The class immediately started copying down the notes. Lily reached a shaky hand over for her bag to take out quill and parchment. To her annoyance, her neighbours behind her continued talking in a whisper.

"Very funny. No, I mean you really did fight him together._ The Dark Lord._ Is it true he saved you from the cruciatus? And did you really save his life in return?_"_

Lily debated on whether she should answer or not. Deciding that it was better to confirm this truth rather than any of the more ignominious ones, she gave them her answer. She turned her head to the side, not far enough to see the girls, but enough for them to see her profile. Keeping her eyes on her bag as she pretended to reach for something in it she nodded once then turned back to the board.

She took out her wand and tapped her parchment with it. The notes started sprawling across the page for her as the whisper came again.

"I suppose you can't fight together like that and come away from it without having bonded a little."

_No, I suppose not_. She touched her necklace. People were like metal. Throw two into the fire and beat and pound on them a few times. Once they are out of the flames and cooled off you find that they've become hardened and inseparable. Lily smiled slightly at the forging of her and James' relationship. A fitting analogy.

McGonagall asked the girls behind her to stop talking and pay attention. Remembering her assignment she took out a clean sheet of parchment and began writing.

1.) _Mini-muffin..._

x

Rupert was already sitting at the Gryffindor table when she arrived. She took her usual seat next to him and began putting food on her plate.

"So how was Madame Pomfrey's lesson today?"

"Fantastic, surprisingly enough. It just makes me want to go out there and inflict some pain just so I can heal them."

"Erm..."

"But I won't of course."

"That's reassuring," she said tearing off a piece of dinner roll and putting it in her mouth.

"Got a note from Dumbledore. We are to meet him tomorrow at half six."

"Just before the prefect meeting. Congratulations, looks like you made it."

"I was the only one to apply," he said with a shrug.

Despite it not being the time, her owl swooped in and dropped a letter in her plate. She flicked off a bit of mashed potato from it and turned it over to see who had sent it. It was blank.

"Ooh Lily your owl is simply lovely," one girl down the table commented.

"Thank you, her name is Ebony," she responded. Then, thinking she might as well seize upon this opportunity to spread a bit of disinformation, she added, "Sirius picked her out for me."

The surrounding girls 'aww'ed predictibly assuming (incorrectly) that the beautiful owl had been a gift from _Sirius_. Lily smiled to herself. _He gave you an owl and you _still_ didn't catch on_. She really had been in denial back then.

As she had been taught, she carefully scanned the letter to make sure it didn't contain anything dangerous. Reassuring Rupert that it was safe, she opened it and smiled.

_1. Cuddle Slug_

She slapped her forehead, shut her eyes tightly and started blushing. She could just imagine James referring to Professor Slughorn as "My little Cuddle Slug"

Behind his back, anyway...

She unsuccessfully tried to suppress a snort of laughter as she went down the list of endearments. Actually, past number 4 they weren't so much as endearments or nicknames as they were cleverly crafted insults. She wasn't surprised. What with a name like Slughorn, and James' feelings for Slytherins and 'Potion People' it was to be expected.

_8. Whoreass Slughorn _

_9. Mr. McDissovles-in-Salt (McD for short.)_

Shaking her head, Lily put the list away.

"What was it?" Rupert asked beside her.

"Nothing," she replied. "Really. It's just a bit of silliness."

"Sirius Black?" he guessed.

"No. Not this time."

But that did put her in mind to do something. She missed the days where she would confide in Sirius via owl. She decided a letter to him was long over due. They had seen each other but hadn't had a real conversation just the two of them since before he lost his temper with her about being helped by Snape.

Back in her common room she sat by the fire as she composed her letter. When James walked in she had just finished scribbling down the final lines.

_...But even after graduation if anyone finds out we a couple then people will _still_ assume that we were together during school. All the more humiliating for the truth of it. When will we ever truly be able to stop hiding?_

_Perhaps we should have waited until I left Hogwarts. It might not change what people think, but it would have made me feel less guilty. It's easier to ignore false accusations than the true ones._

_I know what you'd say. "Don't be ridiculous, Cariad, you know as well as I do you are ecstatic." And of course you'd be right. I just need you to remind me that no matter what anyone may say, it doesn't really matter in the long run. Their words can't really touch me once I leave this castle. I think it's just because I'm still in it that the danger seems so real._

_Well I suppose I've rambled about my insecurities long enough and have _actual _work to be done._

_I remain, your ever loving Lily_

_P.S. How is Remus?_

"Evening Evans," James greeted.

"Hallo Potter."

He tossed the invisibility cloak onto the couch and then sank into his usual chair. Withdrawing a little sack of sweets from a pocket he took one out and popped it into his mouth.

"Want one?" he offered.

"No thanks." She got up from the floor and went to attach the letter to Ebony's leg. Seeing James sitting so casually and comfortably in his chair made Lily regret what she had written. There was nothing wrong. There were no problems. She was creating unnecessary drama with her silly preoccupation with what other people thought of her. She didn't need to trouble anyone else with her useless worries.

Not wanting to put the letter in the fire in front of James (for that would arouse suspicion) she put it in the drawer of her bedside table to burn later. When she came back into the common room she handed him her own list of possible nicknames for McGonagall.

He grinned as he read it over, making comments as he went.

"Masterful, Evans. Masterful," he said folding it away and putting it in his pocket. "Did you read mine?"

"I did. But I don't get number 10_. Horace (Eats Faeces) Slughorn?_ Unnecessarily cruel, don't you think?_"_

"He's the one who always signs his name H. E. F. Slughorn yet won't say what his middle initials stand for. So I figured they must be highly embarrassing. I mean, if he is unlucky enough to have the surname Slughorn, and his parents were cruel enough to give him the _first _name Horace, his _middle_ names must be _really_ terrible."

"Eats Faeces?" she asked sceptically.

"It was an educated guess," he said loftily, snatching his own list back.

"Mmhmm. And speaking of Mr. McDissolves-in-Salt, I have to go to another one of his little get togethers on Friday."

"As do I, unfortunately."

"You?"

"Don't sound so shocked. You might have always been his favourite but don't forget we're both new celebrities. And you know ol' Slugger."

"That was number four?"

"Indeed it was. He gets a whiff of stardom and the blood-sucker will ooze his way in and squeeze what he can out of it."

"That's offensive to vampires," she said tersely.

James rolled his eyes. "Forgive me," he said sarcastically. He tossed another sweet into the air and caught it in his mouth. "Anyway, let's hope it won't la... BLAEGH!" He quickly spat out whatever was in his mouth and made a very unhappy face. "Thought it was coconut! Damned Burtie! Who in their right mind would willingly eat a horseradish flavoured bean? Honestly!"

Lily made no attempt to stifle her laughter.

"Think it's funny do you? That my entire mouth tastes of horseradish?"

"Yes, a bit," she said in between giggles.

"Let's see how funny you find it when my mouth is on yours."

"Woah there, horsey. You aren't coming anywhere _near_ my face with that breath," she said backing away slowly. James advanced menacingly. Her smile fell. "I'm serious, now."

"So am I," he said with a frightening grin.

"Don't you dare."

He was still approaching, eyes sparkling with amusement. Lily decided to make a run for her room but the Quidditch player was too quick for her and soon had her pinned.

"I win. Now pucker up, Lilipoo."

"Nooooo!" She turned her face away but a hand brought it back. Quickly, she cast the only spell she could think of. _"Scourgify!_"

x

James stopped immediately, releasing his hold on her. His breath felt... clean. The taste the spell had left in his magically scoured mouth was not like any he had ever experienced before. Not minty fresh, just...

His brows drew together in consideration. He smacked a few times and let his tongue taste the inside of his mouth. "It takes like... _magic_," he said, finally coming to the realisation.

"Magic has a taste?"

"You know... I think it does!" he said with a happy grin and smacked a few more times. "Interesting. Here, try it."

This time with no malevolent intentions he brought his mouth to hers, letting her in on this exhilarating discovery. He wondered if this was how all magic tasted, or just Lily's variety.

"Am I right or am I right? It _does _have a taste, doesn't it," he said after he pulled away.

"What?" She looked confused. "Oh, magic. Right. I uh..." She cleared her throat embarrassedly. "Got distracted."

_James ol' boy... it's almost unfair how lucky you are. _He grinned, looking entirely pleased with himself.

"Now _this_," he said taking her face in his hand. "Is the time and place..."

* * *

_**A/N**: Does anyone read this anymore? I need some encouragement. Let me know if you are still out there... still reading..._


	55. Bully No More

_**Just a little (gargantuan) author's note. Please ignore if you wish:** I have a question for all of you out there. Do you (female writers) find writing men rather difficult? I think it's probably the biggest obstacle to overcome. Having a male best friend who shares anything and everything that pops into his head (whether I want to hear or not) gives me a tiny glimpse into the male mind, but of course we will never know how accurately we depict the mindset of the opposite sex. More often than not our male characters simply represent what we women want in men, but don't actually portray them truly. _

_People love to complain and tear down the Mary-Sue character type because she is unrealistic and doesn't represent the average woman... she doesn't have enough flaws and is just too good to be true. But do we ever boo hiss and nay say the male counterparts? We are allowed to have our perfect prince charming but not a Mary Sue to match? Unfair, I think. I have yet to determine if we are too hard on ourselves as women, giving our own sex the faults, or if we are simply idealising men, giving them none. Perhaps it is just wishful thinking on our parts. We hope that we, the lowly, flawed beautifully imperfect non Mary Sue's that we are, can still be loved by a perfect prince, be he in shining armour with a white steed, or have messy black hair and a broomstick..._

_This isn't just fanfiction, but all literature. Even GREAT literature. I mean, do we hear anyone complain about Mr. Darcy? _

_In **man**ly stories the woman is always perfect, that wonderful side note in the back of the protagonist's mind reminding him what he is fighting for. Or perhaps she has already served her purpose and died tragically, giving him a reason to go off to battle, a tower of anger and pain and kick ass like a true legendary tortured hero. Look at William Wallace. _

_But I have ranted long enough. If you are (dare I hope it) a male reader, I ask you to review or message me your thoughts. Do real men exist in female fanfiction? In female literature at all? Or are they just another part of the fantasy? Like magic, Hogwarts, and unicorns..._

_**Ch. 55 Bully No More**_

_**and **__**Bloody Business**_

Three days later Lily was placing yet another book back with a clank. Several volumes in this part of the Restricted Section were chained to their shelves, making their perusal a noisy business. But she needn't be worried, it was still before curfew and she had every right to be there. She just wished that the other occupants of the library would stop trying to peek in at her. Whispering amongst themselves they were all wondering if she was working on some important project for the Ministry.

Next to her lay a large stack of parchment full of notes she had taken. She blew on the most recent page to more speedily dry the ink so she could put it in her bag and leave.

Lily had to admit that it was better now than it had been the first day back, but she was still subject to random questions throughout the day, and the students (as well as a few of the teachers as well) looked at her with more respect, others with more contempt.

She decided the rest had been the fault of her own paranoia. She only _imagined _the quiet rumours that suggested there was something _more_ going on with her and James. It was her guilty conscious that was whispering, not the students.

She had just immerged from one of the secret passages when she heard laughter mixed with crying. The sound of one person enjoying another's pain. A little girl's, if Lily's guess was good but it could have been a young boy. She had full intentions of finding out in any case. The Head Girl in her took over and she stormed down the hall to where the sounds originated.

The scene she found made her blood boil. A 5th year clearly bullying a classmate 3 years his junior. Both Gryffindors. The moment the girl took her hands away from her face she became even more furious.

Burns covered half of her features. Burns like Neil Figglestein's? She could recall returning from feeding Mercury one morning with James to find McGonagall on her way to the hospital wing because Zachary Blipp had been admitted for having mysterious burns. She had been helping Madame Pomfrey in the Hospital Wing after finding the necklace when a boy came in with burns on his face, exactly like this girl.

"Go on, keep crying. No one is going to hear."

"Wouldn't count on that," Lily said, far more coolly than she felt. She could feel her ears go hot, and her muscles tense and shake, longing to attack. She twitched but didn't give in to the impulse. Drawing out her wand instead she disarmed the boy. For a moment he looked as if he was going to run away, then changed his mind and stood erect, staring Lily right in the eyes.

The insolence of him.

"What were you doing?" she asked needlessly. She knew very well what he had been doing; she just wanted to hear how he would account for it. He said nothing.

"Does hurting a little girl make you feel like a man?" she asked, approaching. A large part of her wanted to take care of the girl (Winifred Winchcombe), to heal her first but she didn't take her eyes away from young Antonius Arbuthnot. "Well if you are "man" enough to hurt people you should be "man" enough to heal them."

She handed him back his wand, keeping her own pointed at him at all times. "Come on. You're such a big shot you should be able to do it, no problem right? For only immature little _**toe rags**_ cast spells they can't undo."

They boy simply glared at her. Lily glared back. "Take her to the hospital wing," she commanded. "Pay close attention to what the healer does. You are not to leave this girls' side until you are certain she is completely healed. If it is passed curfew you are to escort her back to the tower. If you or anyone else does anything, _anything_, to upset or hurt her (and believe me, I _will_ know) **you** will be held responsible and it will be **you** in need of the Hospital Wing. Disobey in any way and it's 150 points from Gryffindor."

She didn't hex him then and there but she desperately wanted to. Not only in punishment but to wipe that defiantly sour expression off his face. He didn't even have the decency to feel guilty! Only resentful in getting caught.

She tried another approach. "Just look at her..." she said sadly. He did. Poor Winnie couldn't even see properly, her face was red and the blistering swollen pustules forced her right eye shut. The left eye was too filled with tears to see. "What did she ever do to you to deserve this?"

The boy swallowed, and for the first time Lily thought she might be getting through to him. "Take care of her, Antonius. You are now responsible for this girl's well being. **Don't** disappoint her."

There was another few moments of intense glaring/staring and he finally gave way. "I'll take you to the Hospital Wing," he told her, and placed a fold of his robes in her little hand for her to hold onto and follow him there. Lily waited until their bobbing heads disappeared entirely down the staircase before she continued on her way.

x

James was sitting at his desk in front of his classroom, going over some parchment when Lily stormed in. "You will never believe what just happened!" she roared after she slammed the door. "Why do people do such mean things to each other!"

"You're shouting, dear," he pointed out calmly as he continued reading. She carried on just as loud as before.

"Arbuthnot! He just hexed another student for no reason. Simply because he could. That kind of abuse of power is just so... so... argh!" She stomped her foot angrily and crossed her arms over her chest and began pacing.

"Do you have the notes?" he asked. She took them out of her bag and slammed them on his desk then continued with her rant.

"Such an arrogant, bullying... And he was so much older! Picking on someone who is clearly younger and less magically educated. I mean, there is just no reason for it! How he isn't completely ashamed of himself I don't know. What is he trying to prove? That he's better than a second year? Does hurting a child's feelings and pride make him more of a man? Gah, kids are just so stupid and cruel sometimes!"

She 'argh'ed angrily again and continued pacing to work off her temper. James sat at his desk feeling decidedly awkward and guilty. '_If Lily had known me at Hogwarts, she would have despised me,_' he thought sadly. She was right, it was a low and rotten thing to do, and James had been low and rotten. Too concerned with his own reputation, he put others down, cursed them, humiliated them whenever he felt like it. Why?

Yes, why _had_ he? He had no idea. It seemed like fun at the time. He sighed at his stupidity as a teenager. How had he been so blind? So unfeeling to other people?

He didn't want to tell Lily that he had been just like Arbuthnot. Even though he was no longer the annoying 5th year he had once been, he didn't want to disappoint her. In his fifth year he had been pulling pranks and cruel practical jokes on people, while she had been suffering the loss of her family.

He was ashamed.

"I just came to drop those off and get the cloak, I'll be back later," she said.

"Alright."

When she was gone he went into his office and took down the list of insults he had made for Slughorn and burned it. Why he had decided to hang it on his office wall as if it had been something to be proud of he didn't know. That would be the last time, he swore to himself. Once the paper had been completely destroyed his past was then officially behind him. Or so he hoped.

"Hey Sirius," James said to the mirror.

"'Lo Prongs," came the reply almost a minute later.

"Are you busy?"

"Not at all. Is there something you needed?"

"Not really. Just bored and thought I'd..." By Sirius' raised eyebrows James could tell his friend wasn't buying it. He wasn't surprised; his performance had been rather pitiful. "We were rather rotten kids, weren't we Padfoot?"

"What are you talking about, Prongs? _Were? _I'm _still_ rotten."

"I mean it Padfoot. We were terrible. The things we did..."

"Hey, they did deserve it sometimes."

"And all those other times?"

"Well... it was just a bit of fun, right? I mean, we were stupid children. We grew up. End of story. Why are you worried about what happened ages ago? It's history, mate."

"It's just... Lily caught a student bullying another and she was furious. If she knew that I used to be like that..."

"She'll never find out," Sirius said confidently, waving the matter aside.

"That's not the point. The point is, I feel like I've let her down."

"You didn't even know her then."

"But still."

"But nothing!" Sirius said, sudden angry. "Do you forget what _she_ was doing when _she_ was that age?"

"Mourning her family?"

"_She_ was being all chummy with someone she knew to be a Death Eater. As far as stupid childhood mistakes go, I think she outranks you. Don't you dare feel guilty about your past unless you are prepared to hold _that_ against _her_. You can't take all the hits. Either you are both free or you're both guilty."

James acknowledged this point, and wondered how long it would take Sirius to forgive Lily for having been loved by Snape.

"You're right," he said, still unable to entirely convince himself of it. Lily had been unintentionally foolish. _They_ had been deliberately cruel.

"Of course I'm right," he said, calming down a bit. "It's a non-issue."

"There's something else, though."

"Oh?"

"Yes. I think she regrets being with me."

"And I think you've finally lost your gobstones. Don't be ridiculous. I'm sure she's ecstatic to be with you."

"She said you'd say that."

"Pardon?"

"In her letter. She wrote you a letter."

"I haven't received anything."

"That's because she never sent it. I happened across it the other day."

"So you were snooping?"

"Let's say I was being highly observant, shall we?"

"Alright, go on. What did she say?"

"Well, the long and short of it is, she is afraid people will think she's a harlot if they ever knew the truth."

"The truth being...?"

"You know what I mean."

"I want to hear you say it."

"Why?"

"Because, when you leave corrosive things unsaid, it will just stay large and impossible in your mind. Forcing yourself to put it into words gets it out of your head and makes it more manageable."

"Does that even make sense?"

"Of course it does. So let's hear it."

He paused, thinking how to word it. "The truth is..."

"Yes?" Sirius encouraged.

"She's wanted nothing more than to be accepted by her fellow witches and wizards. Now all she has achieved so far to reach that goal has been put in jeopardy by an illicit relationship with her professor. There. I said it. And I can't see how it changes anything. She's right; we would have to hide forever."

"I see the problem. And the solution."

"You do?"

"Yes. Pull your heads out of your arses and stop assuming the world has nothing better to do than worry about your love life. People have more serious worries these days. So long as you both make it out of the castle scot-free what else matters? Even if one or two people say less than kindly things, that won't effect how you feel for her, or how you do your job, or what you do for the order."

"She said you'd say that too."

"No wonder she didn't bother sending the letter," he drawled unhappily. "Tell me Prongs, am I that predictable?"

James shrugged. "I wouldn't say that. Perhaps she trusted you to say the logical thing. Something she already knew."

"Good. Might kill myself if I'd gone predictable. Predictability is for..."

"Nice people?"

Sirius sighed, with the barest hint of a smile. "Yeah." The smile faded quickly. "I hope you are free Saturday. Moony and I have some things to run past the rest of you. Lot has happened we need to discuss."

"I should be free by late afternoon."

"The lady too?"

"So far as I know."

"Excellent. Shrieking Shack at half five."

x

Under the cloak Lily hurried down to the Hospital Wing, hoping that for once Arbuthnot had chosen to do the right thing. Or at least that Lily's threats had been sufficiently large to scare him away from disobedience.

She cursed her luck to find the Hospital Wing door was latched shut. She could open it silently, of course, but there was no gauruntee that no one wouldn't notice the door opening and closing of its seeming own accord. Still, she had to chance it.

She eased the door open slowly, only barely enough to squeeze herself through. She was relieved that both Arbuthnot and Winchcombe were there, the latter being tended to by Madame Pomfrey who was speaking.

"Very good of you to bring her in, but I assure you she is fine now. You can go."

"No, I think I'll stay. Make sure she gets back to the common room safely. Might be a bit frightening for a young girl walking back on her own at night, passed curfew and all. Not safe either."

Madame Pomfrey gave the boy a warm approving smile. "Oh my boy I only wish there were more of your kind in the world. A true man is fast becoming a rare thing."

Antonius blushed at the praise he neither expected nor deserved. He knew he wasn't one of those men, he had simply been forced to act like one. And yet he liked hearing the compliment. Lily noticed Winifred said nothing at all. When Madame Pomfrey left to see to other patients Lily thought she might as well leave as well, but she stopped when she heard Antonius speak.

"I er... m'sorry."

The girl didn't say anything, she simply blinked at him with her big blue eyes. She would have been cute if she didn't have clay coloured paste covering half her face.

"So your name is Winifred?"

She nodded and blinked.

"I'm Antonius Arbuthnot. You can call me Anton."

Blink blink.

"I er... have some Gobstones with me. Know how to play?"

She blinked some more, then nodded.

Lily warmed a bit, seeing the boy put in an actual effort. The entire hour they played Gobstones Winnie spoke not a single word, leaving Anton to carry on the awkward one sided conversation.

Perhaps she was still afraid of her bully. Or perhaps she was simply embarrassed or shy. Most of the time, children who are bullied secretly want to be liked by their tormentor, not because they enjoy being tormented but because that means the abuse will stop. And deep down, they are reassured that there is nothing about them that deserves to be hated. She was probably incredibly pleased and relieved that he was finally being nice to her.

Or perhaps she was just a little girl afraid to talk to a handsome older boy. Lily remembered when she first met Remus, how he helped her out of that pixy swarm. She had been too embarrassed to speak to him for a full half hour. He had taken her to the hospital wing and waited with her just as Arbuthnot was doing now with Winchcombe. Lily had liked Remus immensely after that and wondered if Winnie would too, despite the way Anton had treated her.

When Madame Pomfrey returned to remove the salves from her patient's face there was a deep purple discolouration, like a mulberry patch covering her eye and cheek.

"Will that always be there?" he asked guiltily. Well, to Lily it sounded like guilt. To Madame Pomfrey, she was sure, it sounded like touching concern.

"It's possible," she said. "Only time will tell for certain. If she wants she can come back day after tomorrow, we'll see if there's anything to be done about the mark."

"Saturday at what time?" he asked.

"Oh, anytime," she waved a hand to dismiss them as she went over to a bed whose occupant (hidden by a curtain) honked like a goose.

Anton's brows furrowed curiously at the curtains, but then he shook it off and replied, "We'll be here."

If Lily weren't still bitter about what he had done to the girl in the first place she would have felt glowing pride at that moment. But seeing as she was still bitter, it was more of a lukewarm satisfaction.

"Come on, back to the tower," he said heading towards the door. Even though the girl could now see, she clutched to his robes as she had before which surprisingly didn't seem to bother him.

x

Friday evening found both Lily and James at Horace E. F. Slughorn's party. James spent most of his time forcing the conversation with the Potion's master while covertly watching Lily. She was talking to Weyland Euphrates, one of the 'special guests' that evening.

He was jealous. Not because Lily was talking to another man, but because she was actually able to _enjoy_ herself. Euphrates had an excellent sense of humour, James recalled. He had only met the man once, but he had made a good impression. He was very tall, had a sleek black hair, finely structured face and an aquiline nose. He was a bit pale and thin but that didn't take away from his character. He was charisma itself. Then again, a wireless talk show host _should_ have a good personality.

He could hear Lily's tinkling laugh from across the room every other minute, and cursed his luck for being stuck with the Potion's Master. He sipped his drink thinking it tasted a bit bitter. But perhaps it was just him.

x

"It's getting rougher, I won't lie," Weyland admitted to Lily in a hushed voice minutes later. "Donors are scarce these days. You can understand why."

"I can."

"The bank has all but shut down. I have some celebrity clout, so I am at the top of the list, but my fellows are left to fend for themselves. _Not_ a happy situation. I go as infrequently as I can, so there is more for everyone else but I'm weakening."

"I might be able to help you."

"No, Lily. I won't let you do it."

"It's already done. Stored away. I have no use for it now, so take it. Is it a problem if it's two weeks old?"

Weyland shook his head, curious and disbelieving. "But what...? Why...?" Winking, Lily tapped her nose with her finger. "I still can't believe you did that."

"It's not much, but every little bit helps, right?" she said as she walked out into the corridor.

x

"Is it... yours?" he asked staring at the bottle Lily had just given him, kept cold by a permanent chilling charm.

"Of course it's mine!" she said, offended. "What do you think I am?"

"Sorry, sorry. That's not what I meant. I've just... always wondered what you taste like," he said with an apologetic shrug.

"Have you?" she said, not sounding worried, only interested.

"Don't be flattered. That's just how we are. We do it to everyone."

"I hope I don't disappoint."

"Well, it is two weeks old, so obviously it won't be as good as it would be fresh." He uncorked it and gave it a sniff with those delicate nostrils of his. His pupils dilated at the scent. "Merlin that smells good though. It's been ages."

"Then drink up."

He gave her an awkward smile and held up the bottle in salute to her before drinking it down. When he finished he shivered.

"Phew that was colder than what I'm used to."

"Sorry."

"Don't apologise," he said smiling and looked her up and down. "You know, I feel like I know you better now."

Lily felt oddly nervous. "And... how was it?" _Say it didn't taste like mud. Anything but mud_, she thought desperately to herself.

"Hearty, full," he said approvingly. "Neither thin and sour, nor thick and fatty. Not sweet either. Sweet makes me sick. But beggars can't be choosers I suppose. If only everyone had blood like yours."

Lily snorted. He was probably the only person to make that wish. "How long will that last you?"

He shrugged "A week."

"Not much time, is it?" she said sadly. "I could give you more now."

"No. It's against the regimen."

"Not dining in! I was thinking of a to-go bag... bottle... flask. Whatever."

He chuckled but his eyes grew sad. "I didn't come here to beg for a hand out."

"I know." Somehow she was reminded of Remus. Both he and Weyland were feared by wizards (and muggles), both tried to hide who they really were, and both felt that they were a burden on others. "If you were any other friend and I were treating you to dinner you wouldn't feel guilty."

"Yes, but your other friends wouldn't be eating _you_."

"You aren't eating me you're... eating _part_ of me. There's a difference," she argued weakly. She looked around her potion's kit for the knife. "Knife, knife, knife. Curse it, why can't I ever find the stupid thing when I need it?"

"Where do you last remember having it?"

"No idea."

"It was only two weeks ago."

"No, I used one of the classroom knives that time. Couldn't find my own."

She knew of spells that would work, but they were obviously dark curses, and therefore to be avoided because their healing was more difficult than regular cuts.

"I suppose I might... just prick you?"

Lily studied him for a long moment. "Better find a knife."

She didn't want to take any chances. Peaceful Vampires Anonymous had a strict regimen. If they had a rule to keep away from open veins she could only assume it was for a reason. And it didn't take a genius to figure out what that reason was. Temptation is a dangerous thing, best avoid it entirely.

Getting frustrated she decided that she would simply transfigure one of the candleholders into a knife and went and locked herself in the bathroom. She was sure that a fully grown vampire who was also a perfectly capable wizard could get through the barrier if he really wanted to, but it was more the principle of the thing, just there as a reminder.

Lily knew that ideally, someone else should take her blood. Doing it oneself is very dangerous. Should she grow weak and pass out then she would simply lay there until she bled to death. Therefore she called Poppy in to watch, just in case something should happen; instructing the house elf to get help from anyone that wasn't the man in her common room.

Lily let out as much blood as she though she reasonably could, but she was no expert on donating. She felt slightly bad for putting the elf through that. It must be confusing for her. Lily had ordered Poppy never to hurt herself and there she was, draining herself of blood in front of her, flouting her own rule. She would have to explain later.

Putting the candle back into the re-transfigured candlestick she handed the blood sack to Weyland.

"Thank you." She noted that he said 'thank you' the way most people say 'I'm sorry.' Apologetic rather than appreciative.

"Oh don't give me that sad face," she chided. "You act as if you've done something wrong."

"I've put you out."

"No you haven't. If it had been a problem I wouldn't have offered."

"Yes you would have. I knew that and I took advantage of your generosity anyway."

"Are all vampires daft, or just you? Anyway, we need to get back."

He grinned. "I'd better get going. Can't really carry this on me around Horace. His sense of smell is too good. He'd home in on this in a heartbeat."

"That's true enough."

"Well... thanks again for the erm..." he lifted the skin of blood.

"One last thing before you go. A favour."

"Anything."

"If you or anyone you know hears anything about You-Know-Who..."

"I'll let you know. But you understand my lot are... rather discreet and unapproachable. The only others I know are just the ones in my group at PVA. I don't even know their names. Those I do know are advocates of non-violence. Those belonging to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named wouldn't be in the programme."

"I know. Just keep your ears open."

"I'm a wireless talk show host. I always keep ears open for juicy bits of information. Have you been listening to my show?"

"I don't have a wireless."

"Next report is tomorrow. Dumbledore's just given it to me tonight. He's something else, isn't he?"

"He truly is. I'll make a sincere effort to catch your broadcast, someone around here must have a wireless that I can find for tomorrow."

"I'm on more than just the one night a week you know, I do more than just the Dark reports."

"I know, I know," she said rolling her eyes.

"Right then. Owl me. And not just the obligatory once a month letter you usually send."

"Yes yes alright. Quit harassing me and get out of here," she said pushing him out of the door as she laughed.

When Weyland was gone she called Poppy back to her to explain what she had done and why. Also, (to add to her queasiness) that she didn't need to tell anyone about this. She knew she had an honest policy with James but not only was this secret not in anyway hurting her or weighing her down; it wasn't her secret to tell. If Lily wanted to help a friend that was her business.

x

James had watched Lily and Euphrates leave and had been patiently tapping his foot for a full half hour. Despite Sirius' reassurance that he left _no_ doubt in WWN personality's mind that Lily was taken, he had finally begun to get irritated.

She reappeared at last looking drained. She glanced at him before a group of students fell upon her and she was involved in conversation.

"Which defeats the whole point of the exercise, don't you think?"

"What? Oh. Yes, yes of course," James said, completely unaware of whatever it was with which he was agreeing. "Excuse me for a moment, would you?"

He didn't wait for Slughorn's reply, he simply left. He didn't even know what he was doing either. He couldn't very well go in and interrupt her conversation to ask if that smarmy fop of a talk show host had the gall to try anything with her. So under the pretext of sampling some of Horace's candied cobwebs (a cheap imitation of the classic sugar quill in James' opinion) he sidled over to the group of students and (in typical Potter fashion) eavesdropped. For the first time in his life, James was appreciative of how nosy and gossipy Hogwarts witches can be, for they were asking Lily the very same questions _he_ wanted to put to her.

"Where did you and Weyland Euphrates go?" "What did you do?" "Did anything happen?" All accompanied by conspiratorial winks and the nudging of elbows. James wouldn't have winked or nudged.

"He had to leave; I was just walking him out."

"For 30 minutes?" the only boy of the group asked. He was cocking his eyebrows suggestively. James, having finished his web reached for the punch.

"He's an old friend. We were catching up that's all."

"Besides, Lily would never cheat on Sirius," one said.

Lily's small snort of laughter at that remark pleased James no end. "Of _course_ not. Commitment could be Sirius' middle name. Loyal as a dog. I could _never_ cheat on someone as romantic as he is."

He was the only one there to catch the blatant sarcasm. As the girls 'aww'ed in unison James tried to stealthily wipe away the punch that had just spurt out his nostrils.

"Pardon me, I want a word with the Professor," she said. James turned around to see her walking, not towards him, but the _other_ professor. After a bit of shop talk with the other two Quidditch players in the room, James reckoned it was safe to return to Slughorn.

The potions master and Lily were deep in conversation when he arrived.

"It's certainly an interesting theory, Miss Evans. You'd have to prove it, and of course you can't. Dumbledore himself did a remarkably impressive study on the blood of Dragons, though."

"I know, I've read it. And you'd think with Dragons being so rare in comparison it would be more taboo. But then again the laws in regards to the rights of protected magical creatures were different back then. Meaning there were none. Now I think there are... what... 8 species on the list?"

"That's right. But even so you did one on unicorn blood."

"Yes, but that was chance. Normally I would never have been able to procure samples."

"Of course, only Ministry brewers have access to non tradable goods like that."

"But surely you can see that this is different from unicorns or dragons."

"Of course it's different. But using _human_ blood in any potion would automatically categorise it as dark and therefore illegal."

"But unicorn and dragon blood has good uses! Why not human?"

"The unicorn blood has yet to be confirmed. Yours was a single study using only the blood of one creature. The work was excellent but it is an isolated result. But acquiring _human_ blood involves injuring a being with a soul."

"Unicorns most certainly have souls too," she said firmly.

"Whatever the case may be..." began Slughorn waveringly, as if he didn't want to deny or acknowledge her point. "It is impossible to use evil to effect good. Imbibing undiluted blood of any creature is wrong, naturally. Only the cursed and evil do that."

Lily opened her mouth to say something but shut it again. "Using the blood of a witch or wizard in any amount would be wrong."

"Oh, so it would be wrong to use a _witch's or wizard's_ but _muggle_ blood would be alright then?" she asked calmly. Or at least it had the deceptive appearance of calm. James knew Lily's temper well enough to know that underneath she was seething. If _he_ were in Horace's position he would immediately start working on damage control and _hope_ that he wouldn't be hexed into oblivion. Slughorn missed this entirely and actually gave the matter thought.

"You might have something there, actually. Unlike witches, wizards, unicorns, and dragons et cetera, muggles wouldn't have any magic in their blood now would they? Perhaps it couldn't be tainted by their murder. But then again, for that same reason their blood is probably worthless."

That was James' cue if ever he had one. It would be rather detrimental for Lily's future career in magical law enforcement if she went to Azkaban for murdering her Potion's teacher.

"I'm back. Now what was it you were saying about last year's Practical Potions Symposium?" James asked as he stood behind Lily, placing a secret and hopefully calming hand on her back.

Lily exhaled slowly, letting it all out. She surprised both of them when she swayed and nearly fell over. Luckily James had been right there to catch her. Or perhaps she had been counting on it and it had been a part of an act.

"Miss Evans, are you alright?" Professor Slughorn asked, genuinely concerned.

"Actually I'm not feeling too well. A bit dizzy. I think I'll go to the Hospital Wing."

"Oh dear. Yes, well do what you must. I hope we can continue our conversation later."

"It would be a _pleasure,"_ she said with a sickly smirk. The potion's master nodded and watched her go with a smile.

Could Slughorn really not see it? Perhaps he was just so good at reading the tiny nuances in her expressions that he was surprised when other people didn't catch what was so plainly obvious to him. At any rate, the only way she would derive any pleasure from _that_ conversation would be if she suddenly turned sado-masochistic. As her lover, he shuddered at the thought of what that sudden change in taste would mean for _him_.

Lily made her (slightly dramatic) escape, leaving James alone to plan his. Pity she had already used the feeling ill excuse, he had been about to use that one himself. Now he would have to think of something else or stick it out for the rest of the evening.

James let Slughorn's voice wash over him. He nodded and 'mmhmm'ed in all the right places but he didn't hear a word for assessing ways to escape. Thinking he might as well fall back on the ol' "I have work to do" routine he interrupted 12 minutes in to Slughorn's latest spiel.

"That reminds me, I have a report I need to do. Needs to be in first thing in the morning. Can't wait."

"You were reminded by PMR potions? What _can_ you be working on?"

Was _that_ what he had been talking about? Damn, there wasn't any way James could contort premenstrual relief into sounding like a security threat that would require his immediate action. Well, that's what he got for not paying attention. "Erm, it's classified," he replied shiftily. Ah, how he loved that expression. His permanent pass-code to avoid any and all explanations.

"Yes, yes of course," Slughorn mumbled looking bemused. James slid out of the room wondering if he had just made the Potion's master now unnecessarily suspicious of moody women.

Lily wasn't in his room, so he donned the cloak and went over to hers. She wasn't there either. Puzzled, he wondered where she could be. Remembering how pale she had looked he thought that perhaps she really _had_ felt ill, that it wasn't just an excuse to get away and she had gone to the Hospital Wing after all. But it would be rather unlike Lily to bother herself with the hospital wing just because she felt slightly under the weather. He checked the library, astronomy tower, and kitchens before he finally tried the hospital wing.

Just a few candles in the very back were lit, making only the bed Lily occupied and the healer's desk visible. Lily and Pomfrey were talking in low voices. He wanted to get closer to listen, but Lily might sense him. She generally did. She no longer wore her cloak and blouse, but only that satin cream undershirt that James loved to touch so much. But with her arms completely bare like that the healer couldn't possibly fail to have noticed that the burns had healed. Perhaps that's what they were discussing.

Madame Pomfrey then pushed her back on the bed and Lily, surprisingly, acquiesced. She lay there until the healer came back with a sack with a tube attached. After a quick charm the sack was floating in the air above her head and Madame Pomfrey brought the end of the tube to Lily's left arm. Something must have happened for she stopped and looked from Lily to her arm and back to Lily again. The redhead mumbled something and the healer went to the other side of the bed to take the other arm instead. The rest James couldn't see because Madame Pomfrey was blocking his view. When she finally moved out of the way the tube was attached to the inside of her arm and Lily looked as if she had fallen asleep. She was so still and calm. Madame Pomfrey left for her office, blowing all the candles out but the one for Lily's bed.

With Lily asleep and the healer gone, he finally dared approach. In the candlelight her hair seemed to glow in an auburn halo around her ivory face. A morbid thought suddenly passed his mind and James' breaths quickened in a slight panic. He wanted to touch that cheek, rub some colour and life into it but he didn't. He knew she wasn't dead; he could see her chest rise and fall. Still the image haunted him and he cursed himself, wondering where it had come from.

As he watched, some colour seemed to slowly return and the corner of her mouth turned up in the smallest of smiles.

x

She lay there as still as she could, as Madame Pomfrey told her. She had come to the Hospital Wing just in time, for she had fainted just as she arrived. She had given too much blood after all. She should have eaten dinner beforehand.

After a minute or two she could almost feel warmth spreading over her. She supposed that was the infusion starting to work and spread. It wasn't actually blood she was being given, but a kind of filler, something that would mix with and feed her blood until she had made more on her own. Madame Pomfrey had been mortified that she was currently out of Blood Replenishing potion. She had of course requested the Potion's Master make more, but because all the school pomegranates had been eaten through by maggots they had to order them from elsewhere. The shipment had been delayed and still hadn't yet arrived and Slughorn couldn't make blood replenishing solution without them. This similar treatment, she reassured, was the next best thing, even if it was more awkward and time consuming.

Still, real blood or not it took the chill out of her bones and muscles. Actually it reminded her of James' warmth.

She thought of him now, having forced himself into a tête-à-tête with a professor he disliked to save her from that disastrous conversation. The poor dear thing was probably still in there suffering for it. She then remembered how he had squirted punch out his nose and smiled.

x

Her eyes suddenly opened and James jumped back a few paces, startled but at the same time reassured by those lively green eyes. "I think it's done," she called softly to Madame Pomfrey, who came shuffling in a moment later on slipper clad feet.

Dismantling the apparatus she remarked, "We both know you should stay here for the night."

"_Should_," Lily agreed as she flung her legs over the side of the bed and buttoned up her shirt. The healer sighed but didn't bother to argue. She had given up ever before she mentioned it.

"Can you make it on your own?"

"I can manage a single flight of stairs," she replied with a hint of sarcasm, but then she went back to being serious. "Thank you, though."

"The best thing would be to give you another four ounces every four hours. But if you are determined..." Lily nodded apologetically in reply. "Then come in the morning when you can. And drink plenty of fluids."

Lily thanked the healer once more before she left. James followed at a discreet distance to see to whose room she would return.

Her pace began to slow as she climbed the staircase. Suddenly, she spun around and had her wand out, holding her breath as she scanned the area. She was staring off into the distant corridor, much farther down then where James was. After a moment of standing wand at the ready she slumped against the wall, growing visibly paler again. She brought her hand to her forehead and hissed under her breath. "_Come on Lily, buck up_," she told herself. As she commanded she stood erect again and continued up the stairs, but this time she kept a hand to the wall to support her as she ascended.

He fought all his noble impulses to help and simply watched her enter her common room on her own. Carefully he whispered the password and eased the portrait open. Her back was still to him as she crossed the room.

"James?" she called towards the bedroom. There came no response. "Didn't think so," she said with a sigh.

She briefly stroked Ebony, perched in her usual place by the window before she continued on to collapse on her couch. She clucked and Ebony flew to her side, perching on the armrest.

"He's not here and I'm too tired to climb another 6 flights of stairs," Lily whimpered. The owl hooted in response.

"No, don't bother. I'll go..." she said, groaning as she tried to get up. "In a minute," she added as she sank back down again. "Call me paranoid Ebony, but I could have sworn someone has been following me."

James twisted awkwardly under the cloak, deciding now would be as good a time as any to show himself. Reaching behind him he opened the portrait hole and shut it loudly before he removed the cloak.

"I was hoping you'd come here."

"Oh?" he asked as he lit the fire.

"Didn't fancy going up all those stairs. I'm too comfortable here."

She stretched out her arms in front of her invitingly. A smile tugged at his mouth and he sat beside her. She reclined against him, getting into their usual relaxing position. Remembering all that he had seen and what Madame Pomfrey had said he commented, "You're looking a bit peaky, love. Why not hop down to the hospital wing?"

"I've just come from there," she said. James' eyebrows went up in momentary surprise. He hadn't expected her to tell him the truth. He had felt that she was hiding something from him, and now he felt guilty for having secretly followed her in the first place.

"You did?"

"I told you that's where I was going. Didn't you hear?"

"Oh. I thought you just said that to Slughorn as an excuse to leave."

"Two birds..." she said simply. Ebony hooted in pretended outrage at the expression and Lily pet her in apology, which was all the owl really wanted anyway.

"And what did you tell Madame Pomfrey about the..." His hands, already resting on her stomach, slipped underneath her blouse. He liked the feel of the satin beneath.

"I opted for the truth in the end."

"Did you really?" James asked, in shock that was half mocking, half genuine.

"Well, if someone else is hurt by it... I mean, she should know how to do it. If other people suffer because I wouldn't..." She couldn't seem to order her thoughts, so she simply shook her head. "It's done now, anyway."

"I'm sure she doesn't judge you for it."

"I told the truth, but as little of it as possible. I just gave her the counter curse, no explanations."

"I could never be a healer. I _need_ explanations."

"It's the auror in you."

"I suppose so."

"So, aren't you curious at all about what happened with Weyland?"

"No."

"Bother. And here I was hoping you were jealous."

"Not a chance, I don't get jealous."

"Oh really?"

He nudged her head with his own as he spoke his next piece, pushing it aside to expose her neck where he began planting strategic kisses. "That wasn't a challenge, mind. So _please_ don't try."

Lily hummed a sort of chuckle. "You can say whatever you like but I saw how quickly you came over to listen to the latest gossip with the rest of them."

"I just wanted some refreshment," he explained before returning to his work.

"I'm sure..." she purred. "So tell me, how _was_ the punch?"

His lips stopped what they were doing as he tried to control his body from trembling with silent laughter. He didn't succeed so he simply let it all out.

"Your description of Sirius was hilariously inappropriate."

"I thought you might like it. I did it just for you, you know."

"I appreciate it. Just wished I hadn't had a mouthful of fruity cocktail at the time..."

Lily chuckled and he could have sworn that Ebony did too. The bird's hooting sounded a lot like a laugh. '_Hoo hoo hoo hoo'_

James shooed her away off the couch. "Sirius must have corrupted your bird. She's laughing at me."

"No she isn't. She would _never_. Would you Ebony?" she asked, smiling at the owl conspiratorially. Ebony chuckled owlishly in response.

"And he's corrupted you too."

"Please James, I was laughing at you _long_ before I met Sirius."

"Well that's comforting," he said sarcastically.

"It's a good thing I promise," she said trying to get up, only to fall back down again. "Oh my," she said dizzily.

"Alright there?" he asked.

"Stood up too quickly." She chuckled weakly. She leaned her head against the back rest. "You know that lesson you had on magical intent?" she asked.

"Mmhmm..."

"Do you think it could go for potion ingredients as well?"

"It's possible, I suppose. Why? Do you?"

"Of course I do. Unicorn blood is supposed to curse whoever drinks it, right?"

"Lily you didn't..."

"Let me finish. Unicorns are beautiful things, how could their blood be inherently bad? The crime is in slaying something beautiful, _that's_ what taints the blood."

"Go on."

"So, hypothetically, if one happened across an injured one, and helped it, collected the blood out of caring, and not in any dark intent then the blood wouldn't be darkly tainted. Hypothetically one could drink it without being cursed because it hasn't been poisoned by dark intent."

"_Hypothetically_ you say?"

"Hypothetically."

"So _hypothetically_, if on November first between the hours of four and half five p.m. you helped Hagrid rescue a wounded infant unicorn named Mercury and collected his blood you think it wouldn't be dangerous?" he said, trying to control his scepticism and temper. She was cursed enough as it is, she didn't need unicorn's blood to help her.

"Calm down, I didn't drink any. It is a theory, but it's a sound one. Mercury hadn't been killed by a wizard with evil intentions, merely swiped at by a hungry predator, so the tainting of it would have been minimal. And mine and Hagrid's good intentions..."

"And mine."

"And yours would have reversed whatever tainting might have been there. Unicorn blood can save your life even if you are near death, right? But the price you pay for killing one is being cursed. Imagine the amazing potential pure and untainted blood could have."

"It's a pretty theory, but too dangerous to test."

"So you agree human blood would be safer?"

"I don't like where this conversation is headed."

"Blood is used in potions all the time."

"_Dark_ potions."

"But it doesn't have to be, does it? Vampires drink blood and nothing bad happens."

"But vampires are..." she narrowed her eyes at him, and James suddenly knew what she hadn't allowed herself to say to Slughorn. He changed what he had been about to say into "different from normal humans."

"So you don't think intent has anything to do with the magical properties of blood?"

James made an uncertain face. "I'm not saying it's out of the realm of possibility, I'm just saying it's not worth the attempt. Too dangerous to find out. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I am going to side with Whoreass on this one. I'd say that using blood, creature or human, magical or no, is a bad idea."

She wilted in the seat. "But just imagine, what good things blood could do if..." He didn't know what face he had been making but it caused her to fall silent immediately. "Sorry. I'll stop talking about it." She closed her eyes and sighed. "My head feels like it's splitting."

James took her face in his hands and gently led her head down to his lap as she had done earlier that week with him. He tried to massage her temples and scalp the way she did but was certain that his fingers weren't nearly as adept as hers. He hoped it helped. When it was time he would take her back to the Hospital Wing and she would stay there. He could only gather that she was severely dehydrated but he would feel better knowing she was is Madame Pomfrey's care.

x

She had been worried he would say that. For over a month she had been afraid that he would share Slughorn's opinion. She had tried to bring it up as subtly as possible, letting him overhear that conversation with Slughorn just so she had a non suspicious reason to ask him about it later.

Lily knew for a fact that blood could be used for good if sacrificed lovingly... She could prove it to James, but she didn't want to run the risk of making him very angry indeed. He was being so kind, massaging her head, and had been very patient and understanding while she had tried to explain, even though he didn't agree with her.

She would simply let the subject drop, perhaps forever.

xxx

She didn't know she had fallen asleep, lulled by the warmth of the fire so close and by the head massage, until Madame Pomfrey's movements awoke her. A fresh sack of fluid was dripping slowly into her bloodstream.

How and when did she get there? Well the how was pretty clear. As to the when, James must have brought her in some time after she fell asleep and before she woke up. It was day now. Early to midmorning to judge by the light from the windows, although with the dark clouds and darkened sky it was difficult to be sure.

Lily rubbed the sleep from her eyes and watched Madame Pomfrey bustle off to the other side of the wing. Her eyes popped wide awake when she recognised the pair to whom the healer was talking. Anton Arbuthnot was standing straight as a sentry next to the bed of Winifred Winchcombe. The girl looked tired at being dragged out of bed on a Saturday morning. Lily grinned at the boy's devotion.

"Oh _damn_," she hissed as she felt a painful tug in her arm. She was supposed to be still as possible during the process to let the liquid flow in evenly. She had allowed herself to be distracted by the heart-warming scene and had nearly yanked it out of her arm unintentionally.

"_Double damn_," she hissed again, but this time not due to any pain. Not physical pain that is. It hurt her pride that her classmates should see her laid low like this. And yet it had been her idea that they spend time helping Madame Pomfrey. It was her fault landing herself in the hospital wing, and she had only herself to blame as Victoria White walked into the Hospital Wing with a dainty yawn.

"Good morning, Madame Pomfrey," she greeted. "So what do I do?"

Wandlessly she shut her curtains, _not_ in the mood for visitors and especially not for classmates poking their noses into her business while trying to 'help.' The idea was insufferable.

To her dismay, after Madame Pomfrey's explanation of burn care she heard the pair walking over towards her bed as the conversation changed to blood loss. Lily could only assume that meant her. Making her decision she unhooked the tube from her arm, stifling a rather feline yowl of pain as she did. The liquid began to drip onto the floor as Lily grabbed her cloak and rolled silently off then under her bed, disillusioning herself at the same time. It was rather dusty underneath the hospital wing beds, she noted.

She saw the footsteps approach the other side of the bed and took the opportunity to log roll to under the next one, which was just as dusty as the last. She continued rolling and was under the bed closest to the door when she heard Madame Pomfrey let out a huff of exasperation at finding her gone. Unnoticed, she left the Hospital Wing.

Changing herself back and bushing the unreasonable amount of dust off her, she donned her cloak not only because she was cold, but because she wasn't wearing a proper shirt, only her satin cream. Seeing Arbuthnot and Winchcome just ahead she quickened her pace to reach them. The girl still clung to the back of his robes.

"10 points to Gryffindor."

Surprised, he turned around to her, face questioning. 'What for?' he seemed to ask.

"For going beyond what you were told," she answered, continuing on her way. It was the best reason she could give without sounding like a complete and utter sap. She had awarded him points for having grown as a person. For _caring_. Lily thought this was just as important, nay, _more_ important than getting answers right in class. If anything deserved a reward it was showing kindness and warmth to your fellow human beings. Of course the act itself is its own reward, but one cannot win the house cup with just warm fuzzies.

Yes, she was a Gryffindor. Yes, she was competitive and liked to win. No, she didn't feel guilty for giving points. And yes, she did feel guilty for not feeling guilty.

She hummed as she tossed her cloak onto the couch and was pealing off her shirt so she could take a shower before she went to visit Hagrid. She was trying to get back into the habit of daily visits and this passed week she had been very consistent.

She was waylaid, however, as she went into her room by a very happy looking James. She had just been letting down her hair when a great blur whooshed in tackling her onto the bed.

He eyed her outfit (or lack there of) approvingly. "Feeling up for it?"

'So much for romance,' she thought amusedly. Not that she had any desire for him to be overly sentimental. But even to a person as unromantic as she 'Feeling up for it?' still seemed a pitiful way to engage a lady's interest.

She raised her eyebrows. "Is that the most appealing way to make your pitch?"

James grinned. "I thought I'd go with a more direct approach."

"Did you now?"

"I can switch tactics, if you'd prefer. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more..."

Lily laughed and pushed him away. He seemed put out, but not put off. James Potter was nothing if not tenacious...

x

"Coming with me to Hagrid's?" she asked.

"Not today," James replied buttoning up his shirt. "Work to do before we go to the Shack."

"Work?" she enquired mockingly. "On a _Saturday_?"

"Yes, it goes against all my principles but it is necessary. Moody isn't a patient man." He sighed as he pulled his tie over his head, not bothering to straighten it. He would be returning to his office under the cloak anyway, it wouldn't matter if he looked as if he had just had a rather enjoyable morning romp. Though wouldn't that be a lovely sight.

If James were still in school, he would proudly strut around with his collar up, tie undone, shirt un-tucked, and of course with that messy hair style signifying more than just a jaunt on a broom...

Such childish antics now, rather than earn his respect and popularity, would only earn him a one way ticket out of the castle with nothing to show for himself but a little pink slip of parchment. Even if Dumbledore, Minerva, Hagrid and Madame Pomfrey knew, he'd still have to face school governors and all the other teachers. What was worse, Lily would too. He might be able to bow out and skip back to rejoin his place in Moody's team of Aurors but Lily's life would be effectively ruined. She wouldn't be allowed to take her NEWTs, therefore wouldn't be allowed to apply for any position in the ministry or anywhere else. Well, she could scrub cauldrons or polish scales but that would be an insult to a woman of her abilities. No wonder she had been so concerned. He didn't look at the drawer where he had found the letter. It wasn't there now anyway. She'd probably burned it.

He looked over at her, still lying on the bed where he had reluctantly left her. The thought of Lily growing to regret being with him made James feel terribly unsettled. She looked peaceful now, but what about next week? Next month? Would she be able to continually talk herself out of her fears? How will she handle the strain? Then again, this was Lily Evans, the mistress of secrets herself. _He_ was more likely to break from the strain of keeping it quiet. She was more likely to break from the guilt.

He crawled back on the bed and stretched out across her and relaxed with a sigh. Her fingers wound pleasurably through his hair and for a moment he did nothing but lie there in contentment; he completely dressed but for his shoes and she completely bare but for her sheet.

"You are the best secret I've ever got to keep," he confessed. He wondered at the funny wording, how strangely it had come out. Still, there seemed no better way to put it.

She squeezed him tightly, gently nudging his neck with her nose and forehead as if she were the doe. He stroked her head, not wanting to leave. Laying here was ever so much nicer than being snarled at by Moody.

"When do you have to be there?" she asked several moments later.

"Now," he admitted with a sigh.

It was another minute before he could actually bring himself to roll off and put on his shoes. In his office James changed quickly and grabbed his things before he left for the Headmaster's office to use the fireplace.

x

Lily spent the entire rest of the morning and afternoon with Hagrid. For the first few hours they simply sat in his hut, conversing over numerous cups of tea. Around noon Lily followed him out onto the grounds to help him with his various chores, feeding and caring for animals and plants of all varieties. It had been a while since Lily had been in the forest during the day. In fact, they had been on a similar stroll when they had found Mercury. She smiled sadly at the memory. She missed him. Even though he was grown up and didn't need her anymore she still longed to see him.

She did manage to spot some ­­­Valerian. At least, she _thought _it was valerian. She recalled from Herbology that this sweet scented plant was only in bloom until September. What was it doing here in the middle January? She carefully dug it up to inspect the roots. It looked like the Valerian root one could buy in most apothecaries. Intrigued by this late bloomer, Lily carefully shrank the plant to a more convenient size and folded it into her handkerchief. Perhaps she would take it to Professor Sprout or Slughorn. Or she could compare it to the Valerian in the greenhouses at least. Lily could think of numerous uses to which she could put it. The most common potions for valerian root were for headaches, migraines and insomnia. She didn't generally suffer from head aches. But since she was determined not to use potions to affect her sleep cycle, she might just make a simple tea from it the next time she had trouble sleeping.

She slipped the valerian into her pocket with all the other little items she kept there. Since the second trip to Dover she had taken the habit of shrinking her potions chest and carrying it around in her pocket as a sort of first aid kit. Should need for a special potion ever arise she would be ready with her stock.

Hagrid walked her back to the main steps of Hogwarts where she waited until he was out of sight before she left the castle again, this time as a doe. She knew James would probably have preferred she take the secret passage, but running as a deer was so much more appealing than crouching along a dark passage. It was snowing again and it was bliss to gallop through the flurries, kicking up snow and slush as she raced along.

She was at the shack too soon, and regretted having to change back into Lily Evans. As she was hanging up her cloak, she caught the faint sound of what sounded chanting. Confused, intrigued, and alerted, Lily pulled out her wand and silently followed the sound.

In another room, Sirius Black was leaning with both hands against the mantelpiece above the fireplace, staring into the flames.

"_In what distant deeps or skies _

_Burnt the fire of thine eyes?_

_On what wings dare he aspire? _

_What the hand dare seize the fire? _

_And what shoulder, and what art, _

_Could twist the sinews of thy heart? _

_And when thy heart began to beat, _

_What dread hand? And what dread feet?_

_What the hammer? What the chain?_

_In what furnace was thy brain? _

_What the anvil? What dread grasp _

_Dare its deadly terrors clasp?"_

A floorboard squeaked in protest of Lily's shifting weight and Sirius stopped and turned around to face her, straightening. He looked as if he had glided directly out of Oscar Wilde's novel. So beautiful, wearing a dove grey trousers with matching waistcoat, the fire casting light that made his eyes seem to flicker.

He walked casually towards her, his shoes making an elegant clacking sound with every step he made across the dusty wooden floor. He stood there for a moment, towering over her and Lily found herself frozen, almost afraid as he leaned towards her. She shut her eyes and waited.

She felt him kiss her temple, as if he hadn't been able to decide between cheek and forehead and had compromised. "Good to see you, Cariad."

Lily exhaled. Suddenly he was no longer a Victorian hero (or villain rather) but simply Sirius Black.

"I've missed you, Sirius," she replied with more honesty than the situation called for. He didn't seem to mind the sentiment, but he didn't acknowledge it either. He led them over to the sofa which had a prominent rip on the backrest, the stuffing bulged out in odd clumps. Why no one had bothered to fix it she didn't know.

"I expect the others will be here soon. I take it Prongs is still in London?"

"He might be back by now. I don't know, I haven't been in the castle since this morning," she said, emptying her pockets onto the wobbly table before them, returning items to their normal size as she did.

Sirius picked up the bezoar and studied it before putting it back down. "Where have you been?"

Lily unwrapped her Valerian and returned it to normal size too. "Look what I found," she said handing him the plant. He took it, giving it a sniff.

"You found this today?" he asked. Lily went through her multi layered chest, opening various drawers trying to find an empty container in which to put it. Like the pouch she had given James, this chest could hold much more than it appeared.

"Yes, sticking out from the snow. Odd isn't it? I'm going make a trip to the greenhouses tomorrow to compare it with others. Granted I'm not herbologist, but it doesn't take one to know that valerian is a heliotrope. Blossoming in the dead of winter is so uncharacteristic it might indicate a different species all together."

"Could be," he said twirling it between his thumb and forefinger. The perfume filled the room. "Where did you say you found it?"

"The forest."

"Naughty naughty," he said, although Lily could tell Sirius was pleased. He revelled in recalcitrant behaviour. Not that she had been disobedient; she had been with Hagrid the whole time.

She was distracted from these thoughts when she saw something shine within a recently opened drawer.

"Ah ha!" she cried happily holding out her knife. "I've been looking for this for ages!" She wiped off the blade with her handkerchief before putting it back and continuing her search for a suitable empty container, which she eventually found. Sirius handed back the plant and she carefully stored it away before re-shrinking everything and replacing them in her pockets.

x

"You haven't written. Is all well?" he asked now that they were just lounging in front of the fire. He was going to get her to talk about the letter if he could manage it.

"All is as good as I expected it to be."

"What expectations were those?" he persisted.

"It's strange after the past month of Order work to go back to being a simple student. Holding prefect meetings, doing homework..."

"Going to class?" he asked raising an eyebrow.

"Naturally."

"How are they?"

"Fine. Starting a new section in charms. Far more complicated than anything most of the class can do. I don't think Professor Flitwick has any real hope of students being successful, he just wants us to know the principles and the certain charms exist."

"But surely _you_ did them..."

"Not in class, I waited until the rest left to show him I could do it. I've at last learned to be cautious. No good comes from showing off except to advertise what a threat I am. Although it's probably too late for that. Same with my other classes, I've decided to lay low."

"Including Defence Against the Dark Arts?"

"Haven't been yet."

"That's laying _extremely_ low."

"This week was devoted to healing. Madame Pomfrey taught lessons while I stayed to watch the wing."

"Ah. For a moment I thought you were just avoiding Prongs' class."

"That too," she admitted in a joking manner, but the stiffness of her forced smile gave the game away. Or it would have if Sirius hadn't already known.

"I don't see why you would," he said, although he clearly did.

"I don't want to give anything away, or give anyone a reason to... well... you know."

"You doubt yourself? I don't. You keep your heart tucked safely away. I'd be more worried about _him_; he likes to wear it out on his cloak sleeve for the world to see."

"That's really what I'm more afraid of, truthfully. It wouldn't be the first time he's favoured me in public. Now that the world thinks we are 'partners' in fighting crime I'm afraid they will read into every little thing. It's alright for James; he's an auror and can go back to the ministry. I have no where else to go if I'm turned out." She stopped speaking and shook her head. "Sorry. Forget I said anything. I'm being ridiculous again."

"Not ridiculous, justifiably concerned. I know Prongs, he'll be honest and make a determined effort in the beginning, setting himself rules and guidelines. That will be all well and good until..."

"Until what?"

"Well he _is_ a marauder. Can't resist a challenge or the urge to flout the rules. Once he's no longer afraid he'll start enjoying it. You are in a tricky situation, and the risk of it will make it fun for James. It'll be your job to make sure he doesn't get overconfident and careless. He's a complacent fool by nature."

Lily chuckled weakly. "How long do you think before I should start worrying?"

He shrugged. "I give it a month before he starts seeing it as a game."

x

She sighed are rested her head on his shoulder, not wanting to think about trying to keep a mischievous James under control. Thinking about it alone was exhausting.

"You'll help me won't you?"

"You are asking for my help?"

"Yes. I admit I'll need it. You've known him longer than I have. You have influence over him I don't."

"Believe me Cariad, you have your own sphere of influence as well."

"Perhaps between the two of us I might make it out of Hogwarts with my NEWTs _and_ dignity in tact," she said with a smile.

"Who knows, perhaps you will be lucky enough that we will get fired before he has the chance to expose you."

"But he's an excellent teacher. There's no reason to fire him."

"The curse will find a way."

"Surely you don't believe in that."

"I most certainly do. You think it's just coincidence that all the DADA teachers never last beyond one year? They disappear, or get fired, or killed or..."

"Killed?!" she asked sitting bolt upright, looking positively alarmed.

Sirius looked as if he felt half amused half guilty for provoking such a reaction. They had been having a bit of a laugh at James' expense and now he had made her genuinely worried.

"Two died in my time at Hogwarts. But you shouldn't worry about those things, Cariad."

"Not worry that he could die?"

Sirius' eyes changed, darkening. Amusement no longer sparkled there. "Marlene wasn't a DADA professor, nor was Mrs. Potter, or John Michaels, or Polina Abbot..."

No, it didn't take a professorship to get killed. People are dying every day in this war. Lily slumped back into him again and he put his arm around her shoulders. She appreciated it. She hadn't needed to know about the Defence Against the Dark Arts position being cursed to worry about him dying. She already did. It was her worst fear, as the boggart had so kindly pointed out.

Footsteps sounded in the hall and both Lily and Sirius turned to see who it would be.

"Lo Prongs!" Sirius said cheerfully, as if they hadn't been discussing the possibility of his demise only moments before.

"Hallo Padf... oof!" he grunted as Lily crashed into him, holding on tightly.

"And Hallo to you too Red," he said patting her hair awkwardly. He turned his confused look on Sirius. "What have you done to her?"

Lily pulled her head out of his shoulder but kept her arms around him as she looked up into his eyes. "Is there really a curse against the DADA post?"

"Ah." Things were becoming clear. "Yes. Dumbledore told me about it before I agreed to accept the position."

"And you took it anyway?"

"Lily, I'm an _auror_. It's exactly risk free profession."

"True," she mumbled reluctantly.

"And what's more I refuse to let you harass me about it, you little hypocrite."

"Yes, I know, I know," she said squeezing him one more time before releasing her hold. She didn't think she'd ever be able to live down the Hogsmeade murder attempt. Fortunately the topic was released when the next person entered the room.

Remus sniffed the air when he came in. Doubtless, he could smell the lingering valerian. "Evening all."

"Lo Moony."

Sirius rose from his place on the couch and suggested they move into a larger room, saying that four people, soon to be five, plus the fire would make the room "too damned cosy" for his liking.

Lily had her wand out and started casting little household charms on the larger sitting room, removing dust and fluff that had escaped from armchairs and sofas.

"By the way I hope you don't have anything to do tomorrow. You are going to be stuck in the Ministry," James said casually to Lily.

"What?!" she growled heatedly. Angry red sparks crackled from her wand. Remus dove out of the way quickly.

"Woah! Don't hex the messenger!" James cried hiding behind Sirius, who looked wholly unperturbed about being used as a human shield as he inspected the condition of his nails.

Lily looked down at her spitting wand and put it away guiltily. Controlling her temper she asked in the sweetest voice she could manage, "Please explain, dearest."

This, far from reassuring him, only seemed to make him more wary. "He only said that you had to come in for questioning. I got the impression Dumbledore would be there for part of it."

"When you say questioning, do you mean for Moody? Magical law enforcement? The Wizengamot?"

"Just Moody for now."

"For now?" she repeated, unimpressed with his answers.

James, summoning the Gryffindor strength within him decided to stand up to his witch. Straightening, he stepped out from behind Sirius and confronted her, voice firm and commanding.

"That's right. You may or may not have to go back. They may or may not ask you more questions. You may or may not have to give your statement to wizarding law enforcement. You may or may not have to go in front of the Wizengamot. I don't know. The one thing that _is_ certain is that you will do what you are told to do when you are told to do it!"

Of course she would cooperate; doing otherwise had never crossed her mind. She was only displeased in the lack of sufficient information. She liked to know a bit about a situation before going in. She didn't mind being bossed about my James sometimes, but now he was doing it just to look manly in front of his friends. She had two choices. She could either go with it, let him feel tough now and punish him for it later, or she could punish him for it now in front of his friends, and deal with a pouty Professor for the next few days.

She sighed, having made up her mind and cursed the frailty of the male ego. Unable to stop the slight sarcasm that slipped in she remitted, "Of course, James. You know I _always_ do as I'm told."

Sirius and Remus chuckled knowingly as amusement and severity battled for prominence on James' face. Lily suspected that amusement won, because he turned around so she couldn't see him. She assumed this was to hide the errant smile so she sent a silent slapping hex to his backside for good measure. He jumped slightly and Lily would have given anything to see his expression, for whatever it was made Remus and Sirius burst out laughing.

Lily failed to stifle a giggle. James turned back round to face her looking positively devilish. Not taking her eyes from his she started backing away slowly as he advanced looking as determined as he had after the horseradish incident. She kept retreating, knowing that she would hit the wall at some point and secretly, she couldn't wait until she did.

She finally felt it contact with her back and she bit her lip in anticipation. He grabbed her hips and pulled her to him, growling something that sounded like 'tempting' as he lowered his head to hers.

"Settle down you two. Save your little student/teacher sessions for the classroom."

His mouth, merely an inch away from hers stopped and he let out a frustrated exhalation. Lily removed her hands from around his neck and stepped sideways, her arousal completely gone.

Peter had arrived at some point and now all were looking at him; James and Lily with irritation, not yet comfortable enough with the situation for student/teacher jokes; and Remus with disapproval at his friend's tactless remark. Sirius was impossible to read as usual but if history had taught her anything it was that Black took delight in other people's frustration, meaning he must be enjoying himself very much but knew better than to admit it.

"What?" asked Pettigrew. "Have I said something?" No one answered. "Oh, am I supposed to avoid the whole 'professor shagging the head girl' topic?"

A palpable silence filled the room in which no one made eye contact with anyone else. Sirius, immune to awkwardness caused by such lacks of decorum, characteristically broke it.

"Peter my friend, you have the subtlety of an unremitting bludger," he said with affectionate reproof. "Don't ever change."

"Perhaps we should start the discussing what we came here to discuss," Remus suggested after clearing his throat.

"Right you are Moony. Sooner we get that over with the sooner we can commence with the drinking. Gather round, take your seats, all of you," Sirius said, taking control. Lily and James made their way over to the rest of them, his hand brushing against hers to take it. She withdrew it quickly, Peter's taunt still fresh in her mind. James snatched her hand back, holding it so tightly it almost hurt. He gave her a warning glare that said, 'Oh no you don't. Remember, you're mine and I won't let you run away every time things get a little bit awkward.'

Surprisingly, his bull-headed tactics reassured her. She felt calmer and better about the situation. No one in this room judged them. They had nothing to hide here, they were among friends. To let him know she understood (and that he could stop squeezing so hard) she brought his hand to her lips and lightly kissed his thumb.

"You all know about my family, so I won't bore you with explanations about their eccentric opinions about wizarding kind," Sirius began. "Last weekend, Moony and I decided to take a venture and use this to our advantage..."

x

Sirius explained his and Remus' dark dealings of Sunday night.

"It required the shedding of pure blood to enter," he said with a hint of disdain, eyeing his formerly bandaged hand. Then he grumbled under his breath, "The only good that ever came of it."

"May I see?" Lily asked. Sirius was startled by this request but didn't let it show. He held out his hand, palm up for her to view. She sat down on her knees beside him and pulled out her wand. Rather than heal it (which it didn't need anyway) she drew a complicated pattern in the air above it, resembling a rune he thought he might have seen before, but had no chance of recalling which it was or what it did.

"Hmm..." she said disappointedly when nothing came of her fancy wand waving.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I wanted to know what kind of ward it was," she replied. "But I can't tell anything from this. Too long ago. Do you really think it would only accept pure blood?"

"Don't know. Perhaps not, but anyone who didn't consider themselves a pureblood wouldn't bother to try, now would they? Come to think of it, it might just be a symbolic display. Prove that one is in earnest. Wouldn't slice yourself up otherwise."

"Yes, that's what I've thought too, but one can't tell unless..." Lily ran her fingers lightly along the scar line in his palm as she fell into contemplation. It tickled slightly and Sirius fought off the impulse to close his hand around hers and stop the tickling.

"Unless someone who wasn't of pure blood shed theirs," Sirius finished her thought for her. "But if it turns out to be true and it _can_ tell the difference, there will in all likelihood be a penalty. Knowing this lot it's bound to be a rather unpleasant one."

"Yes..." she said slowly, thoughtfully. "But if it's not... If it is like you said, that it's just there to prove their sincerity, prove that they are willing to sacrifice..."

"Then Sirius wouldn't have been allowed in," interrupted Remus. "His intent wasn't the same as everyone else's there. He doesn't believe in pureblood superiority."

"He was sincere in his desire to get in. Perhaps that's as far as the ward could detect."

"I've never heard of the intent having anything to do with these sorts of things before," Remus continued. "Using blood at all is a rather old and crude method of setting a ward in the first place."

"So far as you know," Lily said, slightly miffed. "People are quick to think that dark magic is old and crude by nature and incapable of complexity."

Sirius was intrigued with Lily's idea. "You are suggesting that one can put criteria on blood sacrifices based on something other than the composition of the blood itself?"

"That's exactly what I'm suggesting."

"_This again_," James mumbled under his breath, still Sirius heard and inwardly frowned as his friend expressed his displeasure for the topic (of 'dark blood magic') and requested they get back to the point. Unlike James, who saw it as violation of the criminal code Section 5 Paragraph whatever it may be, Sirius, due to his upbringing, was more casual about this sort of thing. In his family home there were numerous dark objects, potions, and books. He didn't like them, but growing up around them desensitised him. He just wasn't impressed. Dark things didn't shock or unnerve him nor did he have James' professional disapproval of them.

Lily wilted. "Sorry," she said apologetically to James. She seemed like she truly meant it too. When her eyes finally found his again Sirius gave her an encouraging grin and nod. It was as much as he could do in the present company. She seemed to interpret the gesture correctly as promise that they would talk about this in more depth later. She smiled back and appreciatively gave his hand the squeeze he had been wanting.

She was an interesting one, to be sure. Give her a magical concept and she was constantly questioning, probing boundaries, never accepting what she was given and always wanting more. Give her a person and she accepts them faults and all no questions asked.

"Anyway, my blood and family connections seemed enough for them to accept me and my rather wayward looking friend."

"I wouldn't have looked that wayward if I didn't have a black eye," Remus pointed out without even a trace of hostility.

"True, but that's beside the point."

"You went as yourself?" James asked.

"Of course I did. None better than a Black, right? Toujour Pur, and all that."

"Now people will think you are one of them."

"I don't mind people thinking I'm dark."

"But Padfoot, you've been fighting against that stereotype all your life! Being a Black and all..."

"Well now I'm fighting for something far more important. Besides, the only people who think I am aren't going to be running to the aurors to tattle. The goodies'll think I'm good, the baddies'll think I'm bad. If ever suspicion is aroused or I get in trouble I can simply have you explain it to them."

"Find out anything?"

"Well one good thing came of it," said Sirius.

"_Good?_" enquired Remus. "Might want to reconsider your word choice, Padfoot,"

"Well we gleaned one bit of information from this little 'social sortie,'" he corrected.

"That's better."

"The number of actual Death Eaters is relatively low. If I had to hazard a guess I would say less than even 30 actually bear the Mark. The frightening bit is the number of supporters that willingly, or unwilling, help them. Countless hundreds of witches and wizards. Then there are those that don't actively help, but they certainly don't do anything to stop him, which only serve as hurdles to us."

"What about those at the meeting? Who exactly are they and what do they do?" asked Peter.

"They do fuck all as far as I can tell, but to stand around and discuss things. Not a Mark bearer among them but all old families with dark sympathies. They are the ones who will be helping to pass legislation that furthers the Dark Lord's aims."

"Heard a nasty bit about something they are going to put to the Wizengamot for consideration," interjected Remus with a shudder. "Muggleborn identification marks. They'd have to wear something that makes it obvious to everyone around them that they are muggleborn."

"A mark? What kind of mark?" asked James, who now had a protective arm around Lily.

"I don't know," Remus confessed. "Might as well be a red and white target, so long as they've gone that far."

"That's rather Grindelwaldian..." said Lily. "Next thing you know we will all be forced to live in designated areas and only allowed to work in specific places doing menial labour."

"I think that was the idea, yes," said Remus apologetically. No one needed to continue down that line of thinking. They all knew the conclusion. From the labour houses it would be the camps, and from the camps it would be to the slaughter.

x

"I think that pretty much covers it," declared Sirius. "Now that business is over with, let us move on to the merriment. Be a dear and fetch us some drinks, won't you Cariad?" he said tossing her a purse as he spoke. She caught it as it jingled loudly with the sound of many coins.

Lily stood there, knowing what he was doing. There was something else, something he didn't want to say in front of her so he was shooing her out of the way. She had been so pleased, so happy that Sirius was willing to discuss topics with her that might seem a bit unsuitable, only now to be dismissed like a child. If they wanted to talk about the Muggleborn legislation they could do so in front of her, she could handle it. But of course to them she was just a little girl to be sheltered, she thought bitterly.

"Alright," she said, then mumbled under her breath sadly, "If you wanted me to leave you could have just said so." She thought perhaps she would just have to accept the fact she would never truly be one of them. She would always be a guest to the group, as James' pet, as Remus' former tutee, as Sirius' emotional punching bag. She was just a little girl, allowed by circumstance to play with the big boys. She would never have a nickname that reflected her animagi form. In morose acknowledgment of her situation she bowed her head and shuffled out of the room.

x

"And now onto your topic, James. I'm not a brewer," Sirius said firmly. In truth Sirius was perfectly capable of brewing potions, more capable than most. Still he always insisted he wasn't a brewer, not out of modesty, but out of principle. He denied his skill in attempt to sound as unlike his family as possible.

"It's not like I won't help. I've already got it started. I just ask to let us use your place," James entreated.

"There are perfectly good unused dungeons," Sirius argued.

James shook his head. "Too risky. All fun and games for us, but if someone came across it who knew what it was..."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Oh alright," he said with a sigh. "You take advantage of me Prongs, you always do. Isn't that right, Moony?"

"Actually I think I'll go with Lily," Remus said, not answering the question, and a moment later was out the door, trying to catch up to the red head.

Remus had been the only one to hear what Lily had muttered after Sirius had excused her. It was only after he had caught up with her that he realised he had walked through the snow she had just carefully rearranged to betray no footprints.

"Sorry," he said with apologetic embarrassment. She shook her head and smiled and began clearing it away again. "I thought you might like some... company." He had been about to say 'help' but changed it at the last moment. After being condescended to he doubted she would have appreciated a suggestion she wasn't capable of going on her own.

"Kind of you," she said. "But if they have they sent you along to make sure I stay away long enough then don't bother. You can go back and join your friends if you want. Just tell me when to come back. I don't mind, I can browse the shops. No need for you to miss out just to play babysitter."

"It may surprise you to hear that I came because I wanted to," he said smoothly offering her an arm. She turned to him, and after a moment of study her steely green eyes melted.

"Thank you, Remus."

Arm in arm they walked down the lane and through the village.

"Quiet," she remarked.

"Very," Remus agreed, slightly puzzled. Although the snow tended to muffle sounds, even with his heightened hearing there was little he picked up. No one, it seemed, was out. Everyone stayed tucked away in their homes or perhaps the public houses.

He opened the door, putting a hand on Lily's back as he gently pushed her into the Hogshead. He wasn't surprised to find that it too was emptier than he had ever seen it.

x

Lily looked around as Remus placed an order with Aberforth and made polite conversation. Only three people were in the Hogshead, a pair of hooded men sitting in the back both with large glasses of stout and another scruffy looking man sitting on his own at the bar. His eyes hadn't left Lily since she entered. She didn't like the way he licked his lips at her so she stood on the other side of Remus.

"Would you like to have a drink here or go back to the others?"

"Whatever you want to do," she replied, still casting glances behind him at the scruffy customer. Remus noticed this and turned around to see what it was that Lily had been eyeing nervously.

"_Ah_..." Remus sighed under his breath. "Perhaps we should take off now."

"Do you know him?" she whispered.

"I know his type," he said as he held the door open for her.

"And just what exactly is his type?"

"_My_ type." Lily turned her head upwards to look curiously at the tall man.

"You like the leering scruffy look, do you?"

He snorted. "Hardly. _He's a werewolf_."

"You can tell?"

"Mmhmm, and he's following us. We can't lead him back to the shack, let's turn around; pretend you want to look at something in that shop window. I don't want my back to him."

Casually they changed directions and Lily exclaimed over a pair of jade earrings in a store front and started walking towards it, Remus close behind. Lily was wary as she started to pass the other man, but she didn't expect him to suddenly lunge at her. Snarling, he snapped at her neck. She jumped back but he sprang at her again, this time grabbing her robes by the front. She had her wand out by this time and was about to use it when Remus flung out an arm, catching her hard against the chest pushing her backwards out of the man's reach before laying into him full force.

In shock, Lily watched the two men pounding on each other like muggles.

Fortunately, Remus seemed to have the upper hand most of the time but it still hurt her to watch him so brutally inflict pain on anyone. Lily began to feel sorry for the other man as he whimpered doggishly under each successive blow. That is until Lily heard the crack and saw Remus roll off him, dyeing the snow around him with his blood.

"This is ridiculous," she said to herself, and pointed her wand at the opponent. Before he had a chance to start attacking Remus anew his arms and legs were tied with tight cords and he was forced to lie there in the snow, growling and wriggling against his bonds.

"Remus!" she called as she fell to her knees beside him. "Move your hands, let me see." He did so and Lily was relieved to see healing him wasn't beyond her ken. Once she'd sorted him out they both turned to the bound lupine figure still struggling in the snow.

"Was there something you wanted?" Lily asked coldly, wand pointing threateningly at the scruffy man's face.

He licked his split lip, wincing slightly at the pain but his teeth were still bared in a toothy smile.

"Just wanted to take a bite," he said, chewing on a thick Irish brogue.

Remus kicked him in the ribs and the man let out a very doglike whimper. "Keep your paws to yourself."

"Ha! I know what you are. Don't deny it, you want it too. At least I don't hide who _I_ am." He then turned his attention back to Lily. "It's him you _really _have to watch out for, _colleen_. _Pretendin_ to be tame."

Lily flicked her wrist, sending the man flying to the other side of the street, thudding against the brick wall of the Hogshead.

"The bonds will vanish in an hour. Hopefully that will be enough time."

"It's only 5 minutes back to the shack."

"I meant for his bollocks to freeze off," she said spitefully, then turned to him with suddenly all the gentleness she possessed. "Are you alright?"

"Actually my hand..." he began, lifting the appendage for her viewing. It was purple and swollen in several places. He had broken a few fingers with his punches. "I would fix it myself of course but..."

"But you can't use your wand arm to point at your own hand to heal it, yes," she said as she flawlessly mended the tiny bones. "The swelling will go down naturally when your body realises the bones aren't broken anymore. This may help though." She flicked her wand towards a ground and back up again. A perfectly round snowball hovered in the air for him to take to keep his hand cool.

"Why didn't he use a wand?" she asked confusedly, picking up the sack of forgotten alcohol.

"Werewolves prefer the physical struggle of fighting hand to hand."

"Still, you should have used yours."

"I know. I suppose I forgot."

"Forgot you were a wizard?"

"It's not all that difficult... I'm a werewolf too." Lily wouldn't understand a fight; a _real_ fight, not one of her complicated duels which require concentration, utter skill and control. In a fight you simply _lose_ control, lose sight of everything. You are just raw, laid bare to see the ugliest part of yourself. The part that never lies...

Remus never fought so hard unless it was against another werewolf... for it was like fighting something he truly hated, the _only_ thing he truly hated. _Himself_. Forced to face his inner demons he lashed out as he never did otherwise.

He was regretful Lily had seen so... feral. The man's words rang in his ears and he could only hope that sweet little Lily would forget them. _"Don't deny it you want it too," "It's him you have to watch out for... Pretending to be tame_."

During school he was known as the 'nice' marauder, and comparatively he had been. _Nice_. You'd be nice too if you didn't want anyone to know who... no, _what_ you really were. While it was true that he was less malevolently inclined than the others and had prefect duties to worry about; that _kindness_ was a smoke screen. Trying to hide his true self. He had been _pretending_, just as the rogue had said.

He wasn't very consistent. He wanted people to think he was good, but when they did he wished they would just see the truth. He remembered the night of the Prewitt's party; he had tried to convince Lily that he wasn't the great guy she and the others thought him to be. Now, he desperately wished she hadn't heard the man's remark which would destroy her belief in him.

He felt her arm link through his and walk him away from the scene. It was still silent. The only sound came from the snow crunching under their feet. The last words spoken still hanging in the air like a taunting ghost. But what could he possibly say?

"I'm sorry," he breathed quietly. Sorry for pretending? Sorry for her seeing him in such a state? Sorry for being a werewolf? Sorry for letting her associate with him despite his better judgment? He hardly knew.

"None of that was your fault," she said, gracefully hopping over the bloodstained patch of snow before re-linking arms. Remus had just trudged right through it.

"Lily," he began uncertainly. "About what he said..." Well, that seemed about the clumsiest way to introduce the topic but at least he had done it.

"Was it true?"

"What?" A part of him fell inside, his heart probably. She wondered if it were true? And here he had been wishing (secretly of course) that she would be obstinate on his behalf, so that when he made his feeble protests she would shoo them away and he could at least say he tried. Now what was he to do?

"Was what he said true?" She stopped walking to look up at him, her eyes too big and too green for him to say anything sensible.

"I... I..."

"Remus, is there any reason I _shouldn't_ trust you? I'm only giving you this opportunity once. Any other time you try to tear yourself down I will refuse to listen."

He thought about it for a long time. No, of course he would never willingly do anything to harm her, deceive her; but...

"I've hurt you before," he admitted in a whisper.

"Did you mean to?"

"No."

"Can I depend on you to help me if I need it? If I have a problem can I come to you?"

"Of course."

"Then what he said really doesn't matter." She started walking again and this time he allowed the silence. The words lingering in the air this time being far more pleasant and comforting.

x

"Are you finished talking or should I come back later?" she asked archly when they returned. The disturbing meeting combined with the insult of being dismissed and then being attacked by a mad werewolf all seemed to combine together to fuel her temper. Remus thought she had looked sad when she left, but now that she was back and had time to stew about it she seemed very angry indeed.

"No, come in, come in," Sirius greeted happily, not bothering to deny the subtle accusation or pretend it bothered him.

"What happened there?" Peter asked, pointing at her robes. Both Lily and Remus had failed to notice that they had been ripped in the scuffle. Now that he was looking the lining of her cloak was sticking out noticeably and her shirt was torn and missing several buttons.

She looked to him, asking for permission to relate what had happened. He shrugged apathetically giving her permission to make Sirius feel guilty with a little dose of truth. "A werewolf decided to pounce on me on the way back," she explained in an easy an air as possible while still making her displeasure plain. "Apparently I'm just too tempting for my own good." She crossed her arms over her chest as Remus sighed shaking his head. Those were _not_ the words he would have used.

"Pounced?" James and Sirius said together, and as one their looks shifted from Lily's robes to Remus, eyes narrowing unhappily.

"Different werewolf," Remus said calmly not breaking the angry eye contact. "But thank you for such an overwhelming display of confidence," he said as he shrugged off his robes, revealing his bloody sleeves.

Lily opened a bottle and magicked a pair of glass before going to stand next to Remus to pour them a drink.

"Cheers," she said, raising her glass in salute to her current favourite. He raised his in kind and they clinked glasses. Remus took a sip from his whereas Lily downed it in one, putting the empty vessel down on the nearest surface.

"But you needn't feel guilty about sending her off on her own, she handled herself well," Remus continued while Lily set about straightening his tie and brushing off his shirt. "I, on the other hand, came out with a broken nose."

"And hand," Lily added, whipping out her wand to repair a tear in his cloak and clean his shirt from the bloodstains.

"Thank you."

"Anytime, Remus. I think I'll need go into the other room to fix mine."

"Very well," he replied. He knew, as did the rest of the group, that this was merely an excuse to leave the room. Lily would of course get over it, but it might be more quickly done if she didn't have to look at them.

Annoyed on both her and Remus' behalf she headed toward the door without looking at the others at all. She was almost out the door when she strode back to where her glass was, refilled it, and downed it again.

"Cariad?"

"_Cachau bant,_" she hissed under her breath before exiting.

"What do you suppose that was?" Peter asked once a door in another part of the house had slammed shut.

"Welsh I'd imagine. Couldn't give you a direct translation, but I've heard that same tone when being told to forcibly insert large unpleasant things into rather sensitive places," Sirius commented, masking whatever he might have been feeling with casual unconcern as he poured himself a drink.

"Too short a phrase for such a long sentiment," Peter reasoned. "Perhaps she was telling you to just..."

"Yes, thank you Peter, I have a good enough idea," the handsome man said; mask slipping only slightly to show a hint of irritation.

"Who was it? What happened?" James asked.

Remus shrugged. "Some teague. I've never seen him before. Followed us out of the Hogshead and tried to take a bite out of her neck. He's still out there tied in the street if you want him."

The momentary inner struggle was plain on James' face as he contemplated the tantalizing idea. His glance moved from where Lily had gone to where he knew the man lay outside. Decisions decisions...

Sirius however had no such difficulty in _his _decision making. He rose from his chair with an easy malevolent smile. "I think I'm going to go for a little walk in the snow," he drawled smoothly, removing his beautiful silver cufflinks and rolling up his sleeves.

James clenched his fist, taking one last longing look in the direction of the outside street before releasing it, finally deciding to go after Lily instead.

Sirius untied his silk cravat and tossed it carelessly onto the floor before undoing the first few buttons of his shirt. As he walked passed, he stopped to put a hand on Remus' shoulder.

"Didn't mean to offend you, Moony," he said honestly. "Of course you'd never do that to her but... I'd understand if you did."

"Because I'm a werewolf?" Remus growled.

Sirius seemed to enjoy his friend's hot reaction and replied with opposing coolness, "Because you are a _man_."

Remus rolled his eyes at his friend's lascivious smile. However, when Sirius started out the door his expression changed drastically; his eyes taking on that manic glint again.

Remus _almost_ felt bad for the man tied up in the snow.

* * *

_**(a/n): **_When Sirius is in front of the fireplace contemplating Lord Voldemort, he is quoting William Blake's _The Tiger. _(I only_ wish_ I were that pretty of a poet)


	56. Bully Forgiven

_(__**a/n**__) Sorry this posting is delayed. I got stranded in Austria. Truly._

_And I realise I've forgotten to mention that I'm not JK Rowling. Never have been. I don't own Harry Potter or anything else. Well, I've created a new word by turning 'scoundrel' into a verb, and I take full credit (blame) for the song "__**If I Were a Gryffindor**__," (also known as, __Alas, I am a Slytherin__ also known as, __We Smell Like Poo__) but other than that, none of this is mine._

_There are certain bits of this world and story that I particularly enjoy writing. Obviously Sirius Black in and of himself is one of them. (And I would LOVE to write the Weasley twins if only they were in this era. Seriously, they are my heroes.) But the list also includes Duelling, Potions, Quidditch, and Japery of all varieties, even (or perhaps especially) the lewd and tasteless._

_So forgive me if I run away with any or all of these topics, because in this chapter there will be lots of theory, Japes a'plenty (mostly at poor Slytherin's expense) and more Quidditch talk then you'll care to read about. Seriously, I don't know where this chapter came from. Anyway, forgive me, it was written in another one of those insomniatic spells and I can't vouch for its sanity or sense._

_**Chapter 56: Bully Forgiven**_

Lily was lying on her side, her back to him. James noticed that the four-poster bed had been dusted since he last saw it; probably within the last two minutes, before Lily would actually allow herself to touch it.

He knew she must have heard the door open, but she didn't look at him. He crossed the room slowly, letting her get used to the idea that he wasn't going to leave despite her cold, or rather lack of welcome. He sat down on the edge of the bed for a moment before putting a hand on her shoulder.

She rolled over at his prompting, though she still looked resolutely in the other direction. He wished she would talk to him. He eyed her torn shirt with sorrow, worry, and anger.

'_Give him hell for me, Sirius_,' he thought furiously, and had no doubt it would be done and done well. He allowed himself a small triumphant smirk at the bastard's expense. James was glad that he was never on the receiving end of Sirius' displeasure. Sure, Sirius had a roaring temper and sometimes dealt with his friends rather heatedly, but woe be to his actual enemies who had to deal with the veritable _furnace_ of his rage. Whatever the man had done to Lily, James had no doubt he would pay for it several times over.

He wanted to ask her what exactly had happened but didn't see how that would actually benefit either of them except to relieve his curiosity. He couldn't bring himself to ask anyway. She clearly didn't want to talk about it.

There really didn't seem to be much he could do for her, unfortunately, save just sitting there with her.

Minutes passed in silence and he was growing uneasy with the idleness. Looking around the room, he transfigured some splinters from a broken chair leg into buttons and floated them over to him. He was useless when it came to painstaking household charms like sewing so he decided a light sticking charm would do for now. He repaired the tear in the cloak before reaffixing the buttons to her blouse. She didn't say anything as he did.

Slowly and without magic, he buttoned her shirt back up, pausing after each one before moving onto the next. Finally she turned her head to look at him. Her eyes were slightly cold but the look was ruined by the redness and a glossiness of tears, but whether they had already been shed or were forthcoming he couldn't tell.

"Are you alright?" he began softly. "I'm sorry you were..."

"Save it, I'm fine," she spat. "I don't give a toss about that."

"You don't?"

"Of course not. It wouldn't be the first time I've been attacked, or _approached_, or both of them at once. I can handle myself." She turned her head again to look the other way.

James didn't know if he was convinced or not, relieved or not. If she was telling the truth, and she was alright with being _approached_ as she had so euphemiously put it, then there must be something else that had her so upset.

There were several more moments of silence before she spoke again, her voice not harsh or biting as it had been before, but a whisper, hoarse and barely audible.

"What was it?"

"What was what?" he replied in equally hushed tones. She still wouldn't look him in the face as she answered.

"What was it that you felt you couldn't say in front me? What was it that you felt the need to kick me out before you could safely discuss it?"

So that was it. James was embarrassed to admit he hadn't even thought of that. Looking back, he could see that Sirius had done it on purpose, and it _had_ been to keep her out of the conversation, but...

"That's not how it was."

"You've said that before, James. When will you stop treating me as a child?"

A child? He confessed he might be a bit overprotective at times, but that's just how he was when it came to her. Who wouldn't be? But it had been a long time since he had thought of her as a child. He wouldn't take a _child_ into his bed, surely that was proof enough. But somehow he thought that wasn't the card to play at this particular moment and decided a shift in tactics was in order.

"Remember the other night, when you kept your knowledge to yourself to spare hurting Sirius?"

"Yes."

"And I made you promise never to do that to me, yes?

"Yes."

"Well I promise here and now that unless it's classified, I will not to keep anything important from you."

She finally looked at him. "Then why was I made to leave?"

"Well..." he started awkwardly.

"You still aren't going to tell me, are you!?" she said angrily, sitting up and poking him in the chest.

"I can't. It's not that we're keeping things from you, it's just..."

"Just what?"

"It had nothing to do with anything you need to know about," he tried to explain, but how he was supposed to clarify without giving anything away? Saying it would ruin the surprise would tell her that there was a surprise to ruin. Not only that, but he couldn't vouch for the pleasantness of the surprise either. She could very well hate the idea. All the more reason to keep it from her until the very last. "I mean, we don't have to tell each other _everything_, do we?"

She eyed him suspiciously but at last seemed convinced, or at least had decided it was to her strategic advantage to relent "Alright," she said. "Of course having our own secrets isn't a bad thing."

James knew he had just been defeated, and that it was entirely his own fault. Of course if that rule applied to him then it applied to her as well, giving her an excuse to hold things back from him. He had used it as an excuse to get out of this one situation; _she _would take Slytherin-like advantage of it many times in the future. Knowing he had lost ground, he thought bitterly that he ought to have played the sex card after all.

That thought caused something to click in his mind, releasing the warm gooey feeling in his brain. Perhaps he'd play it now anyway; they were on a bed after all. He was the type of man who liked to make the most of any situation and if he was going to be thwarted, he might as well get something out of it.

"Now then..." He smirked as he began deliberately unbuttoning the blouse he had just carefully closed.

"James Potter, just what do you think you're doing?" she asked, an equally amused smirk on her own face.

Even though she knew _exactly_ what he was doing, he answered her anyway. "Wait and find out. I promise you it'll be a pleasant surprise," he said, kissing her as he started on his own shirt.

"Mm, James wait," she said pulling away. "Not while the others are just in the other room. What if one of them came in?"

James knew it would be counterproductive to his current campaign if he said that it wouldn't be the first time they had walked in on him, so he simply carried on.

"You honestly don't want this?" he asked, nibbling her earlobe. "Or this?" He moved down to her neck, pushing her back down against the pillows.

'_That's right you __do,_' he thought triumphantly as he felt her hands feel their way up his chest, around his neck and into his hair.

Things were heading in a very promising direction until a crash and thud came from the other room. Lily gasped and sat up. "What was that?"

"Who cares?"

She was too damned distractible, that was her problem. He almost wanted to tell her 'pay attention!' but that sounded far too professor-like. Too late now anyway, she had already snatched up her shirt and was putting it on.

The space underneath him now woefully vacated, James lowered himself onto the bed and growled frustratedly into the pillow. Thwarted yet again.

"Why?" he whined. The world seemed to be conspiring against him. When he heard the door open and close again he knew she was gone and that his unhappy fate had been sealed.

Bitterly, he dressed himself, but couldn't go back and join them yet. He hated to do it but it needed to be done. Reluctantly, he thought of one repulsive image after another, until his mind finally lingered on a naked Horace Slughorn, effectively but cruelly completing the heinous crime.

The unjust and brutal murder of a perfectly good erection.

He rubbed his eyes and sighed. He was certain that this kind of disappointment was _not_ good for his health. Giving his right leg a hearty shake, he left the room, thinking that life was cruel and so was the witch who would leave a wizard hanging...

x

When Lily entered the room she found Remus shaking his head at Peter, who was on the ground amidst a pile of broken wood and glass. Blood and brandy pooled near Peter's hand.

"What happened?" Lily asked, alarmed.

"Nothing," said Remus, pinching the bridge of his nose, as if he had a headache. "The chair just got the better of him, that's all."

The chair had broken underneath him. He must have been holding a glass of brandy, which had shattered and cut him when he hit the ground.

She cleaned up the glass first, then lifted Peter's hand to inspect it. She removed a few shards and healed the cuts. "Poor Peter," she crooned. She waved her wand and the chair reassembled itself to the same wobbly excuse for a seat it had been before.

"It'll be more useful as firewood," Remus opined to himself.

"Anything else?" she asked, holding a hand out to help pull him to his feet.

"Not really. Hit my head pretty hard though," said Peter as she sat him down on the sofa.

"Does it hurt? I could give you something for the pain."

Peter looked slightly surprised and grinned. "Yeah, alright."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Git," he said, but he smiled too as he watched Lily procure a pain relief potion. As she tended to Peter she thought of James. He had tried to smooth over the situation, and she had to admit he did it well. But he still hadn't addressed the two main issues she had brought up. He skirted around whatever they had been talking about when she had been forced to leave, and flatly avoided the topic of her being treated like a child. He couldn't make an argument she'd believe anyway. She knew what he did; she saw it all the time. He was constantly doing little things that condescended to her younger age though he was only 5 years older. Perhaps he gained some small satisfaction in being able to treat someone the way Moody treated him: as a trusted and valued underling, but an underling nonetheless.

x

"What happened here?" James sulkily when he entered the room.

"He's fine," said Remus. "He's just milking the situation for all he can."

"Can't blame him," said James. He'd milked a few situations in his time too. It was nice to be fussed over sometimes. Still, Peter's pratfall had cost James what would have been very gratifying time with Lily, and for that he was bitter.

"Where's Sirius?" Lily asked, looking about the room.

All three men shrugged keeping their mouths wisely shut.

"He just left? Didn't say where he was going or anything?"

"He mentioned wanting to go for a walk," said Peter with carefully chosen honesty that James knew Lily would have admired had she known what the truth concealed.

"Oh. He's not cross with me, is he?" she asked, turning to look at James. He shook his head, confused as to what reason Sirius could have for being angry with her.

"Because of what I said," she uttered guiltily, answering his unspoken question. Remus laughed.

"I wouldn't worry about that. I'm sure he's used to it by now after a lifetime of scoundrelling."

Lily was hardly one of his jilted lovers though, thought James. But even if it had got to him, he would have already forgotten it by now. James poured himself a drink and refilled Remus' glass as well. "Peter? Care for another?" he asked, conjuring a new glass for him.

"Thanks."

Lily coughed daintily. He turned to her and saw that she had an empty glass in her hand. Awkwardly, he poured her a smaller serving than he had for himself and the lads. She raised one unhappy eyebrow.

"I don't want you to drink _too_ much," he said, which only earned him a scowl. He quickly added, "Just so I don't have to feel guilty for taking advantage of you later." He gave her one of his most disarming Quidditch Captain smiles and hoped it worked.

She grinned. "Well played, Potter," she said, kissing him on the cheek. He had come to learn that about Lily. Even if she knew she was being lied to, she was willing to forgive a lot so long as the execution had been clever. She _admired _craftiness over frankness, a rather _un_Gryffindor-like trait.

"Thank Merlin the rest of us are safe," said Peter. The group laughed and the conversation floated about for a few minutes.

x

"Anyone know a man named Henry Bright?" Remus finally asked the room at large. He had been wanting to ask his friends for a while, perhaps one of them would remember. He had not yet seen his boss's grandson and future owner of Bright Candles. Perhaps if he met the man it would jog his memory.

"I've heard that name somewhere..." James remarked, eyebrows furrowed.

"So have I, I just can't recall where."

"Oh, just don't think about him, Remus. Seriously, the whole society is mad," Lily said both feelingly and soothingly.

Remus' brows rose in surprise. Perhaps they were thinking of different Henry Brights.

"You do mean Henry Bright, on the board of _PAX_ and large donor to the Society for the Capture and Destruction of Dangerous Half Breeds, don't you?" she asked.

Remus paled, eyes wide with sudden fear. Lily was by his side in an instant. "Remus, what is it?" she asked, rubbing his arm.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."

He smiled weakly at her. "No. I'm fine. I think we are talking about different men." At least, he desperately _hoped_ they were.

x

"Perhaps you were referring to our old classmate," James suggested. He had searched a few dusty archives in his mind and finally found the file that fit.

Both Remus and Peter still seemed unable to put a face to the name so James clarified as tactfully as he could, "We used to call him _Hank_…" He didn't dare go any further than that in front of Lily. If she found out what they _really_ used to call him, or worse, what they used to _do_ to him she would be furious.

"Oh I remember!" said Peter, delighted. James snapped his head around, eyes begging Peter not to say anything. His pleas went unnoticed and James cringed as his friend carried on. "Old Hanky the Snot Monger! We used to blow our noses every time we passed him! Such a snot-nosed brat, thinking he was the _phlegm de la phlegm_. Oh, remember that one time we sent him a dozen snotty handkerchiefs shaped as roses on Valentine's day? We rubbed our nostrils raw for a week to gather enough supplies."

James hid his head with his hands. He would be in for it later.

"Ah, those were the days. Wonder what old Snotty's doing now. Or John the Toilet Bowl Head, or Richard 'Smelly Dick' Connors." Peter, quite unaware of his friend's growing despair, continued on and on, going down a seemingly unending list of all the people they had tormented when they were at Hogwarts. James sank further into his seat with each new name, each new atrocity. And just when James thought it couldn't get any worse it did.

"Oh, and of course the slime-ball himself, _Snivellus Snape_!"

Unbelievably worse.

"Prongs, remember that time after exams? You had him upside-down in the air, showed the whole school his underpants? Such a roar! I'd never seen you laugh harder in your entirely life!" Peter started laughing just at the memory. James, however, was far from laughing.

_She knew_. She now knew what a horrible person he was. He had hoped she would never find out, that she would never know that James had been one of those arrogant bullies she so hated. He tried to prepare himself, for he was certain Lily was about to be angrier than he had ever seen.

He waited with bated breath as Peter fell back into a nostalgic silence. A calm filled the room; the kind that precedes most major disasters. James finally dared to turn to look at Lily.

Her expression was impossible to read, though her eyes were locked on his. Slowly, she rose to her feet and walked out of the room, as if she were in a dream. Perhaps that's what she was hoping, that none of this was real, that she would wake up and realise it hadn't happened. That's certainly what _he _was hoping in any case.

The storm had apparently left the room to go rage by herself. James sighed and buried his face in his hands. Remus walked over to him, offering him his condolences in the form of a more than generous splash of brandy. Then, deciding that not even that was enough, he took James' glass for himself and handed him the whole bottle. James took a swig before firing the cork at Peter's head.

"Way to go Wormtail, you just got me in trouble!" he said childishly, as if Peter had tattled on him to the Head Girl. Which, if they thought about it, he had.

x

Lily didn't realise she had taken any course of action until she hit her head painfully on the low ceiling of the dark passage. If she had been thinking she would have gone out the front door so she could return to the castle as a doe.

Her feet took her to the Head Boy's room, where she blinked at the portrait hole a few times before she remembered she'd need to knock. She did so, slowly and steadily. She must have beat on the door 20 times at the same pace. Rupert probably wasn't even there but that didn't seem a good enough reason to stop.

_Thud_.

Pause.

_Thud._

Pause.

_Thud..._

It suddenly opened, and Lily felt as if she had lost her purpose in life. What was she supposed to do now if she couldn't keep thumping the door?

"Lily?" Rupert asked, hair dripping from a recent, or perhaps interrupted, shower. "Merlin, you gave me a fright. Come in, let me finish getting dressed."

She stepped in obediently.

"You were libel to beat a hole into the portrait. Don't think that would please Jiggerus any, good thing he wasn't in."

"Who?"

"Jiggerus the Jolly, whose portrait guards my room. And don't let the name mislead you, he's about as cheerful as a hag with Spattergroit."

"Oh..."

"What is it? What's wrong?"

"Nothing I suppose," she answered.

"Must have been something, the way you pounded away."

"I'm simply furious, that's all."

Rupert looked her up and down, apparently not convinced that she was as fuming as she claimed. She looked quite calm to him. "You hide it well," he said, a touch of amusement in his voice. "Why or at whom are you furious?"

"With someone who doesn't exist."

"Well if they don't exist you don't have a problem then, do you?"

"Exactly. You comprehend my dilemma."

"Not at all, actually," he confessed, pulling a shirt over his head. "What happened?"

"I'm being completely unfair, that's what," she said, plopping down on his couch. Nostradamus saw this as an opportunity and crawled into her lap, purring for attention. "Someone did something long ago that I only just found out about. To yell at him now would be pointless because he isn't the same person anymore."

"Well if it was ages ago and he isn't like that anymore then why bother being angry about it?"

"Yes I _know. _That's exactly my logic too except I'm having a hard time matching the practice to the theory."

Rupert sat down next to her. There was an easy silence for a moment before he turned to face her, sniffing.

"Have you been... drinking?" he asked incredulously.

"No!" she exclaimed, offended at the suggestion. Then she remembered. "Oh wait, yes I have."

Rupert snorted. "Feeling the effects, are we?"

"I don't think so..." she said. Well, perhaps there was a small amount of buzzing in her mind. Up until now she thought it had been in anger, but she had to consider the possibility that it was brandy induced. "You think I'm overreacting because I'm not entirely sober?"

"I couldn't say. I don't know who it is or what he did. And even if you are, as you say, not entirely sober you didn't let your temper get the better or you. At least you see the situation for what it is."

"But what do I do?"

"What is there _to_ do?"

"Nothing," she said with a sigh. "Nothing but lock myself away so I don't unfairly take anything out on those who don't deserve it. I'm the one with the problem, not him."

"There you have it." Rupert learned long ago how to deal with Lily. All he had to do was keep asking questions until she figured out for herself what was best; a tactic, he found, that worked on most women. "I would offer to let you barricade yourself in here except I'm expecting company."

"You'll have to shave," she pointed out, stroking the stubble.

"I know. Haven't since Thursday morning."

"Who is it?"

"Miss Clara, of Ravenclaw."

"Oooh... she's simply lovely to look at."

"I know. And if you leave I won't have to settle for just looking."

"Alright alright," she said, dislodging the cat from her lap and getting up. "You have a wireless, by any chance?"

"Yeah, why?"

"If you aren't planning on using it this evening, might I borrow it?"

"Go ahead. Your Euphrates is on tonight."

"I know, I promised I'd listen."

With a (slightly scratchy) kiss to the cheek and a swat to the behind, Rupert dismissed her out the portrait hole.

When she collapsed onto her own bed she stared up at the hangings. "There is no problem. You are making a situation out of nothing. It's in the past, it doesn't matter, there is nothing to be done about it," she told herself.

But still he had done all those terrible things, and undoubtedly more. She wasn't surprised, not when she thought about it. She could tell James had it in him; he had a sense of pride now that she could easily see as being cocky and arrogant in his youth. He could be cruel even now when it came to insulting people he disliked. He was an incredibly powerful wizard, very bright, and a prankster by nature. With Sirius' utter depravity goading him on, she wasn't surprised at all that he had been a terror when he was younger. It made sense; perfect, inescapable, miserable sense.

But he wasn't like that _now_, she argued with herself. Kids are foolish and mean but they grow out of it. The James she loved now was not the James who had tormented Henry Bright and all the others. He was an excellent Auror and professor, kind, powerful, caring and determined.

_Severus_. _What about him?_

The only time she had seen him in school was his 7th year. By that time James became Head Boy and had clearly got over himself. She hadn't seen James torment him, nor had Severus mentioned anything about it, not that he _would_ ever admit to such a thing.

If he hadn't been so horribly bullied in school would he have turned to the Dark Lord to finally find a place of acceptance?

"No Lily," she reproached herself.. She _had_ to stop trying to make excuses for him. And she certainly shouldn't be blaming people she loved for Severus' decision. Even if he had grown up unloved in his own home, even if he had been bullied at school, he still had a choice. He chose vengeance, rather than to rise above and move past it. Embittered, he had chosen power and hate over forgiveness and love.

"_Why?_" There were other ways. He hadn't been entirely alone; he had had her, her family. They had loved him.

She snorted sulkily. _Yes, the love of a Mudblood and her muggle family_. What good was that? It would only have given his fellow Slytherins reason to alienate him.

"Poor Severus," she whispered despite herself. It would be simpler for both of them if they just hated each other.

With a sigh, she flicked on the Wizarding Wireless and listened to Weyland's report.

x

"...when once _again_ Wormtail ruins it by breaking the bloody chair!" James complained loudly and drunkenly to Sirius. "Before I knew it she was out of my grasp and tending to the 'wounded'." He gave the word a large dose of sarcasm, accompanied by air quotations. "And there I was, wand at the ready and nothing to do with it."

"He didn't do it on purpose, Wormtail is just naturally maladroit," Sirius conciliated. Remus gave him a look that made Sirius think Peter wasn't as guiltless as all that after all.

"Puh!" he cried indignantly, sloshing a bit of old Ogden's onto the floor.

"Careful there with the Firewhiskey, mate!" Sirius said, taking the bottle away and cradling it protectively in his arms. "It's the gold label, aged 50 years."

"Sorry," James said. "See? _I_ can apologise when the situation calls for it."

"Alright I'm sorry," said Peter. "Merlin, what a fuss you're making."

"You'd make one too if you'd been deprived, denied and denounced!"

"Come off it, it was one opportunity of many. It's not as if you don't get it regularly anyway. It couldn't be that long since your last shag."

"Long enough!"

"How long _has_ it been?"

"This morning."

"Oh poor darling," said Remus sarcastically.

"Poor darling indeed!" James agreed vehemently. The fire seemed to roar more loudly in sympathy with James' temper. "You can be sure there will be no wand waving for me for a looooong time now, thanks to this one-man force of entropy here." He pointed accusingly at Peter. "Playing merry hell with my love life!"

"As frustrating as the situation must have been for you Prongs, don't you think you are making too much commotion over one little shag?"

"Lack there-of," James corrected. "But that's not even the half of it! It gets worse."

Sirius listened to James' explanation of the events that had followed. Although he couldn't help but inwardly grin at the happy memories, he cringed slightly on James' behalf.

"When she heard the bit about Snape she just left. Didn't say anything. It would have been better if she bawled me out. But she didn't yell, didn't glare, didn't do anything but leave. She didn't even slam the door on her way out."

"Oh dear."

"Why are you making a big deal about Snape?" Peter asked.

"You want to know why?" James began, turning on Peter. Sirius began to fill with panic. Surely he wasn't going to... "Because she lo-!"

Sirius clamped a hand over his friend's mouth to keep from speaking, staring him stonily in the eye. He'd rather have used his wand but he hadn't had time to fish the thing out of his pocket.

Was he _mad_? James had actually been about to admit that she loved the slimeball. They had agreed that they would never speak of that to anyone, not even Dumbledore or their friends. It was a team weakness they didn't want to flaunt, a shameful secret they dared not reveal.

_No, not mad,_ Sirius thought as he studied his best friend._ Just smashed beyond all reason._ It would be a waste to squander Veritaserum on James when Firewhiskey worked just ask well. '_In vino veritas' _and all that,' he thought to himself.

"She'll come round, Prongs," Sirius assured him, leaning in close to whisper so the others couldn't hear. "I nearly got him _killed_ and she still puts up with me, right?"

James, still unable to speak due to Sirius' large halting hand, only nodded.

"Just give her time." Deciding it was safe, Sirius removed his hand and gave James a heartening pat on the back. "So!" he said loudly to the rest of the group. "Now that I have returned we may start with the merry making."

"But there are no women," Peter pointed out, rather unnecessarily. Sirius was always conscious of the female element in any equation.

"Well spotted Wormtail but if you depend on women to make you happy you will live a dull and joyless existence indeed."

x

Lily was nibbling on a piece of bark. She was in her doe form in front of the Shrieking Shack, when the lure of tree bark overpowered her.

Her ears twitched and she quickly turned around to look at the Shack. She stared for a moment. Was that... _singing_ she heard? Her mind had seemed to click back over to human mode and she became less enchanted with the bark and more intrigued by the singing. She transformed back into Lily Evans, and but in so doing lost her ability to hear what it was she was listening for.

For the second time that evening she quietly entered the Shack, curious, cautious, and inquisitive. She snuck towards the room where she had left them, listening all the while in amused bafflement. It was clearly a drinking song, and just as unmistakably composed by the Marauders themselves. The meter was in keeping with James' style and the lyrics were exactly what she would expect of four immature Gryffindor boys.

They took turns singing while the rest kept up the beat by clapping, humming, stomping or "Dum Ba-Dum Ba-Dum'ing. If Lily had bee looking into the room she would have seen Sirius conducting the group with his wand, cheerful gold sparks flying through the air as he did.

Peter couldn't carry the tune so he happily dragged it along through the mud as he made his way through his verse.

.

"Oh if I were a Gryffindor

I'll tell you what I'd do

I'd take a shower every day

So I wouldn't smell like poo!

If I weren't a slippery Slytherin

and managed to stay cleaned up

I might stay on my broom, for once

and win the Quidditch cup."

.

The other men joined in for a sort of refrain.

.

"If I were a Gryffindor

I'd have some gift with flight

But I am a Slytherin

So I can't fly for shite!"

.

James came next, singing boisterouslyand relatively on key.

.

"I wish I were a Gryffindor,

But it was not to be

It pains me to admit they are

Much handsomer than me

It's only the men of Gryffindor

the ladies do adore,

If only I weren't a Slytherin

I could have so much more."

.

Again, the others joined in.

.

"Oh if I were a Gryffindor

I'd no' be an ugly man,

But I am a Slytherin,

and I am, alas, I am!"

.

Remus didn't sing at all, but rather spoke his lines with the rhythm, as if this were a normal conversation.

.

"Now if _I_ were a Gryffindor

(though I couldn't be if I tried)

I might just use my brain, instead

of keep it unoccupied.

There is no beating Gryffindors

for charm, good looks and wit,

If I were but one of them

I'd not be a senseless git."

.

"Oh If I were a Gryffindor

I'd try to be gallant

But I am a Slytherin

And I can't, alas, I can't!"

.

Peter took another verse.

.

"What a shame it is to be

a Slytherin warlock,

If only I were a Gryffindor

A girl might touch my cock.

If I were a Gryffindor

it would be put to use,

But it's not 'cause I'm a _Slytherin_...

or at least that's my _excuse_."

.

"Oh if I were a Gryffindor

I could deny my balls are blue

But I am a Slytherin,

So it's true, alas, it's true!"

.

Remus threw his head back let out a long howling "Awooooooooooooooo" as James took up the next verse.

.

"Oh I wish I were a Gryffindor,

Then I wouldn't be resigned.

But as a Slytherin I must

Resort to my own kind.

Our ladies are not worth having;

we are inferior yet again.

And alas alack we have no chance

with Gryffindor women."

.

"Oh if I were a Gryffindor

I would not be stuck with nil

But I am a Slytherin

So I will, alas, I will!"

.

Sirius' baritone had a surprisingly pleasing vibrato.

.

"To put me into Gryffindor

Would a pitiable waste

I'd stand out oh so heinously

For they all have superior taste

Gryffindors always seem to exude

power, allure, and class.

The only thing we Slytherins exude,

are foul odours from the arse!"

.

"Oh if I were a Gryffindor

I wouldn't stink like poo

But I am a Slytheriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin.

And I do. Alas! I do!"

They all sang together the last line in one inharmonious chorus, holding the final note out to the bitter end, Sirius sliding down an octave to give it an incongruous jazzy edge.

Lily silenced herself and slid down the wall, shaking with the hilarity of it all. She'd never admit it to_ them_ that she had enjoyed that terrible song and had collapsed from mirth because of it. But seeing as they couldn't hear her she let it all out, great bellows of silent laughter. She almost began to fear for her life, she couldn't take in enough air because she was laughing so hard but she finally managed to calm down. 'So that's why they call it, "die laughing",' she thought.

She lay there on the floor for a minute inhaling and exhaling slowly to steady her breaths. She started to sit up to wipe away the tears when she saw a shiny black shoe on the floor next to her. Two, in fact, protruding from well pressed dove gray trousers. Her gaze climbed up the rest of him, finally stopping at those enigmatic silver eyes. She hastily wiped away the betraying tears of laughter, although it was already too late. He had seen.

x

Sirius excused himself for reasons of his own, but when he stepped out into the hall he stopped, almost treading on the red head crumpled on the floor. Her shoulders were trembling slightly, and she was taking deep calming breaths. When she sat up he saw the tears streaming down her face.

'_Oh just bloody brilliant,'_ he thought to himself. Now she had apparently dealt with her displeasure with James only to return at exactly the wrong moment. Out of all the songs they had sung that evening, of course it would be _that _one she would overhear.

Their eyes finally met and for a moment they held each others' gaze. _Oh no_, he thought as she bit her lip and her shoulders started to tremble anew. She was going to cry again, even though she was obviously trying to hold it back.

x

It was too much. Lily couldn't take it anymore and finally gave up, Sirius' expression, or lack thereof, was too hilarious. She fell to the floor, clutching her sides howling in silent laughter again.

x

'She's _laughing_,' Sirius thought incredulously. The girl was actually _laughing_, albeit silently. There she was, on the floor, kicking and rolling around in all her smiling glory. Sirius would have given anything to actually hear those peals of laughter for himself.

He made the door to the room imperturbable and removed the silencing charm on Lily, her blissful cries louder than he had expected. It was a pleasant surprise.

He simply sat on the floor across from her, one leg straightened, one bent. He leaned his elbow on his knee and put one cheek in his palm and listened contentedly, waiting for the laughter to subside, not caring when or even if that moment ever came.

He didn't even try to hide his smile.

x

"Oh my," Lily breathed when she came back down. She looked up and saw that Sirius had joined her on the floor, sitting there casually as can be, smiling impossibly as she carried on like a madwoman. She rarely saw that unguarded a smile on him. It warmed her heart and her own smile grew (if possible) even wider, causing his to broaden too.

"Don't stop now," he entreated. "You were on a roll."

It was true she was, and the smallest things could set her off again. Sirius' request was trigger enough and she did as he asked, unable to stop herself.

After a moment she tried to speak "That... was just... so..." She didn't finish because she broke into another fit of laughter, which completed her sentence better than any mere word could have.

When she stopped and sat up again Sirius was holding out a handkerchief to her. She took it gratefully, noticing that the monogram had only his first initial, the _**B**_ for Black conspicuously absent. She dabbed at her eyes daintily, then, deciding there was no point in pretence at this stage; she mopped up her entire tear-covered face.

"You caught me," she admitted, still grinning like a fool as she handed it back to him. Still smiling he brought his brows together slightly and shook his head as if you say 'keep it.' She put it in her pocket.

"I confess, Cariad, I'm rather glad I did."

"Don't tell the others?"

"As you wish," he said, standing up.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

He grinned wickedly, and rather than answer he transformed into a great black dog and knocked her to the ground, licking her face relentlessly.

"Sirius!" she squealed, trying to push the massive dog off her as she fought off another wave of laughter. She didn't succeed in either undertaking. He kept licking, she kept laughing.

"Sirius! Sirius please!" she shrieked. "I can't breathe!"

That did no good.

"Sirius you'll make me wet myself!" she cried, not sure if the threat was empty or not. The beast finally desisted and growled in a way that could almost be mistaken for a chuckle. He then bounded off in the other direction, giving off two loud barks as he left.

She rubbed the slobber off her face with her sleeve, not wanting to get doggy drool on the lovely handkerchief he had given her. Lily chuckled to herself thinking that women wouldn't rave about him half so much if they received _those_ kinds of kisses from Sirius Black.

She waited for another moment, making sure she was in order and fit to be seen by people other than canine ruffians before she entered the room. She went for the door but she bounced back from it.

"Ah, that explains it," she thought, removing the unperturbable spell. She had vaguely wondered why no one had come to investigate the moment Sirius had removed her silencing charm.

She could feel the room tense up when she entered; James visibly stiffened in his seat. Going to stand behind him, she trailed her hands down his chest, gave his torso a squeeze and kissed his cheek.

James looked almost startled and turned to look at her, wondering if this were some kind of trick.

"I'm sorry I overreacted," she said quietly, but not quietly enough so the others couldn't hear. The other men certainly looked shocked at how easily he got off the hook. "I'll make it up to you later," she promised, nipping his ear and rumpling his hair. James' jaw actually dropped and Remus and Peter looked outraged. All three of them thought she was being remarkably lax with him. Which, compared to some of his previous women, she most certainly was.

x

Call of the wild dutifully answered, Sirius returned to his friends just in time to hear Remus declare, "Prongs, she's one to keep."

"Agreed," Sirius replied, along with Peter and James. Lily was standing behind James, giving his shoulders a rub.

"Hallo Sirius," she greeted cheerfully, going over to him and hugging him tightly. 'Alright, enough with the touchy feely,' he thought. He panted like a dog and made a small slurping sound. _That_ got her to let go in a hurry. Sirius chuckled at his own antics and poured himself another drink.

x

"Now on that point I'd have to disagree," interjected Sirius an hour later. "I think it would be a big mistake to underestimate New Zealand. The Macaws' chasers might be lacking but Hamish McCullum is a Keeper to be reckoned with and their seeker Gareth Gillespie has a solid record. Plus he made that outstanding catch against the Grodzik Goblins, and the Poles are renowned for having the best Seekers."

Lily sat next to Remus as she watched the two men argue about Quidditch. She had never seen James so sloshed and it was slightly amusing, no matter how boring the topic.

"They won't even make it into the semi-finals. The Heidelberg Harriers will be beat them to a pulp. Literally," James said confidently. "It'll be down to them and the Bigonville Bombers."

"What about the Braga Broomfleet?"

"Portugal?" James asked, rubbing his chin as he considered this idea. "It's a possibility."

"That's ages away though," said Peter. "Not for another year and a half. Let's talk about British teams."

"I can't believe the Magpies lost it for England so soon!" James ranted.

"And to the Sweetwater All-Stars for pity's sake!" Sirius agreed.

"What?" Lily asked quietly.

"Americans," Remus replied.

"Ah..."

"That was just bad luck. They had the home advantage and were expecting the hurricane. They had time to switch their brooms to Oakshaft 85s."

"At least almost all the players were recovered," James said, as if pointing out the silver lining to this particular dark cloud.

"Caerphilly Catapults play Falmouth Falcons next week," Peter pointed out.

"Shouldn't be that good a game," said Sirius. "The Falcons are savage and the Catapults... well..."

"I like the Catapults," Lily said. She wasn't that big of a Quidditch fan, but she had a soft spot for the Welsh teams.

Remus, the only one who heard her, said, "So do I."

"But next month is the Wasps versus the Harpies," James said excitedly.

"Where is that on again?" Remus asked.

"Yorkshire Moors," James answered.

"Anyone want to make a bet on how long it takes the Wasps to get carded?" asked Peter.

"I'd say they get called for blagging within the first ten minutes," offered Sirius.

"Blagging?" Lily whispered to Remus.

"Grabbing onto the broom tail of another player," he whispered back.

"I'll take that bet," said James. "They're more likely to skin than to blag."

"Just like you, eh?" Sirius said wryly.

"I've never been caught for a foul in my life!"

"Now that's not true, remember you were carded for snitchnipping in third year."

"That **wasn't** my fault!" James bellowed angrily, somehow still outraged for something that happened 10 years ago. Lily suspected the alcohol had something to do with it. "The stupid thing ran into _me_, not the other way round!"

"And haversacking in 5th?"

"That was repealed," James said at once. "The rule only states that the Quaffle can't go through the hoop before it is released from the Chaser's hand. The fact that I fell through the hoop _after_ is inconsequential."

Sirius chuckled. "So who wants to go see the Wasps play the Harpies?"

"I wouldn't mind," Lily piped up.

James' eyebrows rose. "Really? That's excellent! May we all enjoy a victory for the Wasps."

"Actually..." Lily began nervously.

"Oh this is precious," Sirius drawled. "She wants to support the _Harpies_?"

She nodded.

"What? Is it because they're women or because they're Welsh?"

"Both," she answered truthfully, lowering her head. She didn't know much about Quidditch, so she had nothing much else to go on.

"Oi, she can like whoever she wants," James defended. In reality, he was just excited that Lily was showing an interest in Quidditch at all. He wanted to encourage her as much as possible.

"I hear the Harpies have ditched their Comets and had Special Edition Nimbi made, with ash handles," said Peter.

"Really? A nimbus made with ash?" James said excitedly. "That would improve the acceleration _and_ tailwind."

"Let me guess, you want one?" asked Remus, amused.

"Of course I want one! I lost two brooms in Dover, my newest Nimbus and my earliest Cleansweep."

"What happened to Juliet?" Peter asked, shocked.

"That hag took her. Poor Juliet... in the hands of Bellatrix Black."

"_Lestrange_, actually," corrected Sirius, face a mask yet again.

"She was special to you, wasn't she? Juliet, that is. Not Bella, obviously," said Peter.

"She was my first," James nodded with a sigh.

Remus snorted.

"So if you had to choose your favourite broomstick...?" Peter asked.

James took a moment to think about it before his mouth split into an evil grin and he turned to look at Lily.

She turned her head away to hide the fact that she was blushing furiously. It was one thing if they were alone in the Hospital Wing or her room; it was something else entirely to joke about that sort of thing in front of others. James, to her annoyance, burst out laughing.

Suddenly it was very warm in there. "I think I'm going to go outside for a bit of fresh air," she announced, and made rapid retreat from the room.

She sat outside on the dilapidated front porch, hoping that James wouldn't elucidate. At least if he did she wouldn't be there. She leaned her head back against the wall and exhaled, the breath escaping her instantly turning to fog in the cold night air. The Marauders, when all together and fortified with alcohol, were probably too much for her after all.

The door opened. Recognising the shiny shoes she sighed again, not at _all_ in the mood to be teased. She only hoped they had drunk themselves into memory-less oblivion.

"Are you drunk by any chance?" she asked hopefully.

"Not nearly as drunk as I should like to be," Sirius admitted with a sober sigh. "James certainly is though. Drinking was never his forte," he said. Removing a silver case from his pocket, he took out what looked like a thin, short cigar. Then he put the case away and lit whatever it was he had between his lips, then flicked the used match into the snow. It sizzled briefly.

"You smoke?" she asked.

He exhaled a sweet-smelling, purple-tinged cloud. "No."

Lily sniffed and could have sworn the scent of grape lingered in the air. The next drag produced a dark red colour and smelled of tobacco (of course) but with the hint of wine this time. Sirius noticed her staring. "How rude of me," he said, pulling the cigarette case out again, opening it with a click and offering it to her.

"No, thank you."

They sat for a moment, watching the snow float lazily down. Another puff escaped his lips, tinted gold and smelling of honey.

Relieved that Sirius didn't seem to want to taunt her, she relaxed and enjoyed his silent company. But Sirius, distracted by her artisanship as she wandlessly traced designs in the snow, let his cigarette go out. The constant wind kept thwarting his attempts to relight it.

"Damn. Don't suppose you can wandlessly relight it, can you?" he joked as he tried to light another match.

"No, conjuring and controlling fire is a bit beyond me at present. I've never really practiced. James probably could though."

"James doesn't do wandless magic."

"He does too. I've only just noticed because he's so subtle about it."

"He would have told me if he could."

"I don't think he realises that he's doing it."

"That's accidental magic, then."

"Same thing," she said waving her hand to clear the snow so she could start over again. "Accidental magic _is_ wandless magic. Wandless magic is willing something to happen, right? It's just easier to do it in moments of terror or temper, because at that panicked or enraged moment you are entirely focused. When someone does accidental magic it's because at that moment they want nothing more than to do whatever bit of magic they call upon. At one point people thought I was special with the shield charm I consistently conjured when I was afraid. I wasn't special at all though. It was simply uncontrolled wandless magic. Now that I'm more practiced with it and have learned how to manipulate it, the probability of my accidentally doing something is less. Good in most respects, save the shield bit."

"So you're saying wandless magic is just a matter of concentration?"

"Not quite. More a matter of will."

"Hmm. I've seen him accidentally light something on fire before."

"It was no accident," she said confidently. "I'm sure that's _exactly_ what he wanted to do."

"You know," he said, pausing to think and let escape a puff of dark chocolate flavoured smoke. "I think you're entirely right."

"Yes well..." _Wouldn't__ be the first time_. "He seems to have an uncanny ability when it comes to fire. Usually fire's too wild, too powerful, too unpredictable to control. But he somehow knows just how to nourish it using his own emotion to make it grow and do what he wants."

Sirius chuckled. "He's probably using the same techniques on fire as he learned to use on you."

She opened her mouth to make some kind of protest, but found that she had none to make and closed it again.

"If doing wandless magic is a matter of will, how would he be unaware he's doing it?"

"Little things that one wouldn't notice. Nowadays he walks into my common room and the fire springs to life without him touching his wand. There's no way to prove it, but I'm beginning to think that your above-average witch and wizard does more accidental magic than they realise."

"You haven't told James this?"

"No, not yet. I think he's had enough of my mad magical theory for now."

x

"It's not mad," Sirius insisted, "_not at all_." Now it seemed foolish to believe that the most wilful wizards just _happened_ to be the most magically powerful. Their will _gave_ them their power, as they magically manipulated (consciously or otherwise) situations to benefit them. Was it any surprise the Marauders always seemed to get their way? That Voldemort just luckily fell into his reign of terror? Dumbledore himself was another frightening matter altogether. No, magic was only as powerful as the will that prompted it.

Then there was Lily. He studied her face. While her eyes reflected an unfairly shrewd mind, they also warmed from the glow of an affectionate heart. Sirius thought that _that,_ rather than her intellect, allowed Lily to be the powerful witch she was. Too bad he didn't have such ample resources as she did in that department. Very few people did.

_Where there's a will there's a way_. It had seemed just a typical cliché, but when he thought about it, it seemed inescapably true. He could recall countless proofs from his and his friends' pasts, seeming to scrape through impossible situations from accidental magic or "the inexplicable Marauder luck"... which was probably just unwitting accidental magic anyway.

In school they were taught that in order to perform difficult magic you really have to "want" to do it. But that seemed a grossly deficient explanation. It was about bending magic to your will. Was strength of character a way of judging magical ability? He went down a list of powerful witches and wizards in his head, and all of them had very strong personalities, strong ideas, strong convictions.

Magical ability and character seemed intrinsically entwined. Magic matched the witch or wizard it belonged to. Perhaps everyone's magic was just a bit different, varying not only in power and efficacy, but also in style, technique, and essence.

Everyone had different reasons for doing magic, every person was different, so therefore so was the magic? Which brought it all back down to intent. Lily had clearly thought of all of that before, and wanted to apply it to ancient blood magic. And why not?

"Since we are on the topic of your magical theories, tell me more about your thoughts on blood wards..."

x

Half an hour later the topic still going strong but Lily fell silent when she heard footsteps approach. She wouldn't carry on this topic with anyone but Sirius.

Remus stepped out onto the porch to join them and looked from Lily to Sirius, and back to Lily again. He smirked and tapped his ear.

"Werewolf hearing, remember? I know you were talking about blood magic, no need to hide it now."

Lily felt slightly ashamed and awkward. "I thought you might be James. He... erm... doesn't like it."

"At this point James is too inebriated to care. And frankly, so am I."

"Is everyone locked but me?" he asked, pouting. Or at least what passed for pouting when it came to Sirius. He looked noble and tragic, like the pained hero in an epic tale.

Lily's buzz had left long ago. "I'm not," she said. This didn't seem to please him; apparently she didn't count.

"So Remus, what brings you here?"

"The conversation is a bit lacking without you. James and Peter are overly intrigued with rhyming at present."

Sirius chuckled, and proffered the open cigarette case to him.

"Thank you," said Remus. He started to reach for one but stopped, hesitating uncertainly.

"Damn. Sorry," Sirius apologised. He picked one out of the silver case and handed it to Remus along with the matchbox. Remus exhaled a coffee flavoured haze.

Remus went to sit on the other side of Lily, which she presumed was to keep the smoke from their two cigarettes from clashing. Remus didn't seem to act much differently drunk, perhaps just a bit less focused.

"Well," said Sirius, getting up. "I'm going on a noble quest to find a cure for sobriety. Wish me luck."

"I have every confidence in you, Sirius," Lily stated with assurance.

"Thank you, Cariad. I'm feeling quite confident myself."

After Sirius left Remus muttered, "Nothing new there. Sirius _always_ feels confident with himself."

"Well, there's something to be said for consistency," she said in an attempt to defend him.

Remus tilted his head and then shrugged, as if considering and then dismissing the point.

"I'm sorry about what happened this afternoon," he said suddenly.

"Hey..." she admonished. "That wasn't your fault. We've been through this."

"I should have protected you better."

"And why is it not _my_ fault for not protecting _you_ better? I wasn't the one who got a broken nose. "

"Because..."

"Because I'm a little girl that can't fend for herself?"

"Sorry. But there will always be a part of me that will think of you as an 11- year-old covered in pixy dust."

She smiled despite herself. "You had me so smitten after that."

Remus smiled too. "I know."

"Why did you waste so much time with me?"

"Just couldn't stand to disappoint you, with those big green eyes. Well, some things don't change, I suppose."

"You big softy."

"Ha. That's me. Big hairy softy." There was a moment of silence.

"How old were you?" she asked gently.

"Three or so. Perhaps two. Before I can remember, that's for certain."

"What happened?"

"My father offended him and I was his revenge. It worked. It broke him... the guilt... my affliction. I don't think mum ever forgave him either."

"Remus..."

"But that's long past. Being a werewolf is the only life I've ever known. It's not like others, who are bitten as adults. They tend to be more human, less savage when they transform. The longer you've been a werewolf, the more times you transform, the more wolfish in nature you become."

"Is that true?"

"Mmmhmm. Greyback had been a werewolf for over 35 years when he bit me. Every year the number of people he afflicts increases steadily."

"That's just him. The record of a single individual. You can't base anything off of one statistic alone."

"It's not just a statistic, Lily," he said darkly. After a dramatic pause he whispered, "I _feel_ it. At least as a young boy I could enjoy myself, go for days at a time without thinking about it. But now..."

"Now?"

"Not a moment passes when I'm not reminded of what I am," he said, his voice hushed but angry. "It's always there. Always in my head. It never goes away. Never. I see people when I walk down the street and think 'if I were in my true form right now, I would be attacking them.'

"True form, Remus? _True_ form? You weren't _born_ that way so it _can't_ be your true form."

"I've been a werewolf longer than I've been human."

Lily's heart was breaking. "You really think that way?"

"I know I shouldn't. I know what you've said, and what my friends have said. But it's different when you're living it. When it's in your head night and noon, every minute of your waking conscience and in your dreams every night so that you wake up with the urge to hunt." He shook his head. "It's just getting worse. And I don't know what to do..."

He tossed his cigarette into the snow and put his head in his hands, a cloud of spiced orange smoke dissipating into the air. Lily put her arm around him and gave his shoulders a squeeze.

"There's nothing that helps?"

"Staying busy, keeping my mind occupied. I've always found reading to be the best distraction, since I can't get work."

"But you have a job now."

"Not for long."

"What? Why? I thought your boss was fine with it."

"Did I mention the name of the business is Bright Candles? Reginald Bright is not going to be long in this world, and when he goes Henry Bright takes over."

Lily gasped. "You have to leave! Soon, before he realises you're there!"

"I know. I only learned who he was tonight when you told me."

"Is there any way he knows you're working there? Has the elder Mr. Bright told him?"

"Not yet, I'm assuming. Probably the only reason I haven't been tied to a tree yet."

"Don't say things like that."

"You know what the SCDDHB is like..."

She had to acknowledge the point. "So what are you going to do?"

"Leave as soon as possible. Don't say anything to the others."

"I won't," she promised. "What else helps?" she asked, getting back on topic.

Remus shrugged. "I won't lie, having the lads around when I transform helps me keep my head, if all goes well. Who knows how bad I'd be by now without them."

"Then why do you push them away? Why go it alone when their company helps you?"

"Because I can't impose upon them our entire lives."

"But –"

"But nothing. They've done enough for me already."

"You have to move out. Where do you intend to live then?"

"Don't know. Might take up here."

"You can't possible live in the Shack! It's not fit for habitation!"

Remus shrugged unaffectedly again. "Good enough for me." The truth was it was the only place he felt at home. The Hogwarts castle used to, but he wasn't a student now. He no longer belonged there.

"Why not go back and live with Sirius?"

"I don't want to put him out."

"You wouldn't be intruding. He likes living with you. He likes having his friends around him. He doesn't _want_ to live alone."

"He's never said as much."

"Well he wouldn't, would he? This _is_ Sirius we are talking about."

"Then how do you know?"

"You should have seen his reaction when you moved out."

"I did, actually," he said, one hand unconsciously touching his cheekbone.

"There you have it then."

Remus heaved a sigh. "Doesn't do anything for my pride though."

At that moment Peter burst through the door and vomited spectacularly into the snow.

"What place does pride have between friends, right?" she asked, gesturing to his sick mate. "It has its uses, but tends to hinder rather than help relationships. Egos only get in the way of more important things, like honesty."

By now she was rubbing a hand on Peter's back as he heaved.

"Sirius would never curb _his_ pride," he said, standing.

"It's true, he's more image driven than most. That's why you'll have to be the one to broach the subject. But never say never. I still have hope for him."

"That's what makes you, _you_. Your hope for hopeless cases."

He left before Lily could fervently argue this point. An unfair way to get the last word, in her opinion. "Hopeless cases my wand," she muttered to herself.

Peter sat up, apparently finished.

"Poor Peter," she cooed, cleaning off his face. "Feeling better now?"

"Much, thanks."

"Ready to go back in?"

"Actually I think I'll stay out here for a bit."

"Alright," she said, settling herself back into her seating position on the porch.

"You don't have to. You can go in if you want."

"That's alright. I'll stay." Peter was the only Marauder she hadn't really opened up that evening. Or ever, she realised. This would be the first time they had ever spoken one on one, though he was at a level of intoxication that bordered on nonsensical. She wondered if she'd get anything out of it.

"Lily Evans," he began. Or at least she thought it was a beginning. She waited for the rest to come but it didn't. Apparently he was just stating her name.

"Yes?" she questioned.

"Don't take this the wrong way..." Well, that's a promising start, she thought sarcastically. "But what makes you so special?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"What makes you so special? I mean, I know I'm not supposed to mention it and it's all 'hush hush' and what not..." His gestures were sloppy and his speech slurred, but he showed all the other signs of having put thought into what he was saying. "But the fact of the matter is you are a student who managed to hook a teacher. A feat that speaks for itself I'm sure, but I look and see what you've done to Moony and Padfoot. I just don't get it."

x

In truth, Peter was slightly jealous; not to any dangerous degree, but it was there none the less. Just as Remus was jealous of Sirius and Sirius of James, Peter was jealous of Lily. Jealousy was no new concept in this group. _She_ was however.

She just shows up one day and was now a Marauder? A woman had never been in before. No one but the four of them had ever been brought to the Shack, the most sacred of places, and yet this schoolgirl somehow had the other three eating from the palm of her hand.

What had she done?

Through school and beyond James and Sirius were closer to each other than they were to anyone else. Still, all four had been a tight-knit group. Now _she_, this random redhead, had sneaked in and got closer to both of them than Peter had ever managed.

At Hogwarts he'd nearly hero-worshipped Sirius and James. They could do no wrong in his eyes. He had been so occupied with coolness that he hadn't realised what a tosser he'd been. He was, of course, properly embarrassed of himself now that he had grown up; but for all their faults (which he could now see) they were still the best men he knew.

"Don't get me wrong, I like you. How could I not when the first word I ever heard you say was 'Dungface'?"

Lily chuckled at that. "I have no idea but I'm entirely grateful," she admitted. "Perhaps they just took pity on me."

"Sirius doesn't _do_ pity."

"But James does," she countered.

'And where James goes so does Sirius,' agreed Peter silently.

Had James pitied _him_ in first year? Alone and friendless, had he simply been another charity case? Peter wasn't blind, or stupid, despite how he appeared compared to his friends. It was kind of them to let him join, but also cruel in a way. To be put next to such stunning bright lights, he had looked all the dimmer for it.

She didn't though. She didn't dim in comparison, she shone just as fiercely. _Pity her?_ From all accounts, Evans didn't seem that pathetic. Sure, let's pity the poor girl blessed with talent, brains, skill, charm, and good looks – the qualities that everyone loved about his friends.

"I don't see it," he said. "What does a natural Gryffindor like you need pity for?"

She turned to face him, her gaze both disarming and discomfiting. "Can I tell you a secret, Peter?"

Unprepared for sudden confidences, he blinked a few times, then nodded. "Alright..." he said unsurely.

"I'm not a natural Gryffindor. The Sorting Hat was going to place me in a different house."

She had asked to be put in Gryffindor too? No doubt the hat had wanted her for Ravenclaw. With false magnanimity he said, "won't hold that against you." To do otherwise would be egregiously hypocritical.

x

"James, do you reckon magic varies from person to person?" Sirius asked, his conversation with Lily still in his mind. He wouldn't talk about blood with his friend, but this, he thought, would be excellent mental exercise for them both.

"In what way?"

"I was speaking with the Lady, and it got me thinking that magic is individualised to the wizard who summons it. I mean, everyone has a different Patronus for a reason, right? Who is to say that everything else we do, all the spells we cast are unique in their own way, even if the effects are the same."

"Funnily enough, we stumbled across that subject ourselves just this week."

"Oh?"

"Oh ho!" he said happily, tapping a finger to his nose.

Sirius didn't get it. "What brought this about?"

"Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans."

Sirius was still lost. "Magic has flavour like beans?"

"It certainly has a flavour and it's certainly _not_ horseradish. But as to different flavours I don't know yet. Let's find out, shall we?"

How on earth he planned on finding out Sirius didn't know, but he deduced the scheme involved Lily; the clue being that James called her name loudly and incessantly until she arrived.

Lily was clearly not pleased at being summoned thus, and as punishment (or simply for her own sake) flicked her wand towards him. By the way his eyes sharpened Sirius concluded it had been a sobering charm.

"Oh..." James began awkwardly, still a bit sloshed but better in control of himself. "Sorry, I erm... wanted you for something."

"So I gathered," she remarked coolly, one eyebrow raised.

"We are going to have a bit of an experiment. Been meaning to do it ever since last Sunday night but erm... I got distracted."

"An experiment?" she asked, face brightening with promise of academic pursuits.

"Scourgify," James said suddenly, pointing his wand at his own mouth. Sirius' eyebrows rose at this seemingly insane move but he made no comment.

His friend started smacking, as if he had a toffee in his mouth. "Come here, and tell me if you think it tastes the same as last time."

Lily, obviously not at all confused by his odd behaviour, obligingly stepped towards him and, to Sirius' (unexpressed) surprise, kissed him unashamedly in front of them all with what seemed like a gratuitous use of tongue.

After a moment she pulled away. "Would you say you are a tad more robust?"

"I was just thinking that you seemed a bit... softer? Still hearty and full but easier on the..."

"Palate?"

"Mind?"

"Soul?"

"Heart, perhaps."

"I'm sorry to interrupt," Sirius interjected, not sorry in the least. "But might one of you explain what this _exchange_ has to do with anything?"

Lily, thankfully, was the one to explicate James' discovery after an unfortunate incident with a horseradish every flavour bean. She professionally ignored her glowing cheeks and carried on with the explanation that although the sensations couldn't be described as 'flavours' per se, because they didn't remotely resemble anything one could experience with food or drink, or perfume, both her and James' magically cleaned mouths 'tasted' different.

"But it was still very similar," she said turning to James. "Is that the way all magic feels, or do we simply have a similar kind?"

"Both are very possible."

"And we won't know unless..." she turned around to the other three men in the room predatorily.

All three men, even Sirius, took several respectful (or perhaps that was _fearful_) steps back.

"Oh come on, I'm not going to _hurt_ you," she said, taking another step towards them.

"Of course you wouldn't, Cariad," Sirius began, continuing his retreat.

"But _he's_ another matter," finished Remus bluntly, indicating the man sporting the evil eye.

Lily turned to James. She bowed, and with a sweep of her hand indicated his friends. "Well if you'd rather do it by my guest," she said, smiling wickedly.

James considered the others, looking very uncomfortable indeed. He cleared his throat and looked away. "Not drunk enough for that," he whispered to Lily. The other men overhead this and smiled, both amused and relieved. Mostly relieved.

x

James was not pleased. He had been fantastically un-sober when he suggested it, but now he was much less so, thanks to a certain sobering charm. In any case, when he had (albeit haphazardly) 'planned' it, he hadn't intended her involvement in the experiment to go beyond himself. However, if they wanted to do the thing properly and get better results they would need more comparisons. Curiosity for knowledge battled with more manly impulses.

Lily wasn't a Quaffle to be passed about. _He_ was her seeker here and this felt annoyingly like snitchnipping. "I've suddenly become disenchanted with this experiment," he said at last.

"Come on Prongs, in the name of magical discovery?" James didn't respond to Sirius' proposal. "Fine. I suppose I'll have to do it myself." Instinctively, James put himself between Sirius and Lily, but he needn't have bothered. "Come on Remus, pucker up."

Remus pulled out his wand, the expression on his face a clear warning that Sirius was in for something that wasn't nearly so painless as scourgify.

"Aww, come on Moony. Do it for academia!"

"I think there are limits to personal sacrifices for the sake of knowledge. I never thought _I'd_ say this, but in this case I prefer ignorance to enlightenment, thank you."

"Spoil sport." Sirius shrugged all the same and pointed his wand to his own mouth and tasted his own magic. Well, 'taste' wasn't exactly the right word but it was the closest thing English seemed to have. "Hmm," he mused.

Curious, Remus and Peter did the same.

"I say..." declared Remus, astonished.

"Bizarre," agreed Peter. Both had furrowed brows and were smacking their lips.

"What's it like?" Lily asked eagerly.

Everyone fell silent, trying to find words that didn't exist. Sirius finally gave it a go.

"Like... water."

"Water?" the others inquired together.

"Not in taste but in continuity. Very... fluid. It seems to swish around."

Lily's eyes were wide with curiosity. She turned to look at James pleadingly. He growled and waved a reluctant hand in permission.

He'd seen it once, he could see it again. At least this time he wasn't hiding behind a tower of charcoal briquettes with stockings round his head and a stab in his heart.

The fact that they kept their eyes open made it somehow easier to watch. She didn't get distracted with Sirius the way she had with him last Sunday. He could tell her mind was working the entire time. She was focused, making observations and trying to make conclusions.

"Not at all the same as you," she informed James. "Nor me. It was as he said, it swished about. As if he didn't want to linger in any one place, as if it didn't want to be tasted. In a word, I'd say mercurial, almost evasive."

Sirius tilted his head in reluctant agreement. He seemed unhappy to be exposed thus. Lily descended on Peter next, claiming that he was just as different as Sirius had been.

"Erm... subtle?" she offered. James took that to be a polite way of saying 'not as powerful'. A well chosen euphemism, in his opinion.

x

When she got to him, Remus was only slightly more curious than he was apprehensive. He wanted to know how he compared to his friends, and this would be the ultimate test. How wolfish would his magic be to her?

The more he considered it the more uneasy he became. A long list of 'what if' questions formed in his worried mind. What if it was monstrous? What if it frightened her? What if this was what finally convinced her just how dangerous he was and she finally turned away from him? What if the others went with her...

x

"On second thought," announced Remus nervously, "perhaps I won't do it after all." He forced an awkward chuckle. "You already have four different types, what good will one more do?"

Sirius' eyes narrowed at his friend's suspicious behaviour. Did he really want to keep the taste of his own magic to himself, or was there another reason for his reticence? It would be very inconvenient indeed if Remus had fallen for Lily. One hopelessly lovesick fool was bad enough already.

"Come on Remus, I don't bite," Lily said jokingly as she advanced. Remus' back stiffened and his shaky hands began nervously fiddling with his wand.

"But I do," he replied, voice only just above in a croaky whisper, as if a block in his throat were keeping something large and important from escaping.

Sirius' suspicions darkened. He inconspicuously observed James; his face was a mask of patience, save for the dimple in his cheek. James was nervously biting the inside of his mouth.

Not good.

"It will only take a moment..." she coaxed.

Remus loosened his collar, trying to get more air. He was unable to look away from those big doe eyes of hers, all the more unfair for their entrancing colour.

Something ought to be done and it was clear nobody but he had the sense to do it.

"Oh for pity's sake Cariad, leave the poor boy alone," Sirius said lazily.

"But I just –"

"Contain your enthusiasm and quit bullying him. He doesn't want to so let. It. Drop."

Lily bowed her head. "I'm sorry."

If Sirius were the type he would have felt bad for making her feel like the guilty party, when it was Remus who was to blame for this ridiculous scene. But if what he suspected was true, Sirius wasn't going to encourage any breaches of the code. The crisis had been momentarily averted. Of course the bigger underlying problem still remained but...

'That _gypsy_!' Sirius thought furiously. She'd gone and done it anyway! But almost the moment their mouths connected she pulled away again, stumbling back.

For a moment Sirius thought that Remus had shoved her away but the terrified look on Lily's face was mirrored by Remus. He was as scared as she was, or perhaps _because_ she was.

"Remus I... I..."

"I knew it!" he said, suddenly angry as well as afraid. "See, _this_ is why I didn't want to do it!"

"Why?" Peter asked. Good thing too, because the question hadn't been forthcoming from the shocked Sirius and James.

"Go on then!" Remus said to Lily as he threw his arms dramatically into the air. "Tell them what they ought already know. Tell them what a monster I am!"

'Oh thank Merlin for that,' Sirius thought with a sigh. It wasn't Lily after all, just another werewolf issue. He couldn't have been more relieved.

x

"That's not it," Lily denied weakly, still stunned. She hadn't been able to recognise the human element until she had tasted the non-human element. Remus, from the short sample she'd got, was by far the most unique of them all. She knew it was because he was a werewolf but that didn't make it bad, just different. "It was just a bit overpowering that's all. I wasn't prepared for the force of it."

His magic had seemed to sense her and had immediately 'pounced' in a great surge. Would it react that way again to a second trial?

"I want to give it another go," she said firmly. "I won't be startled this time."

Remus closed his eyes and exhaled. "I appreciate the brave front but don't bother trying to spare me. I can feel it, I know what it did."

"What is it doing now then?"

His eyes rolled back, as if he were trying to look and see. "Pacing. It didn't do that before."

It was probably just curious. So was she. Since he was so tall she had to grab his chin to bring his face down to hers. The others had obligingly leaned over, but he was still nervous. Well, she was going to make him get over that. She had a million more questions that needed answering.

Even though she knew what to expect, she unintentionally pulled away again when his magic surged against her. "Sorry!" she said quickly, seeing the pained expression on Remus' face. "It's not me, it's you!" Realising that this could be interpreted a number of unflattering ways she clarified. "_It_'s rejecting _me_, not the other way around. Try holding my head in place so it can't jerk back."

"I think not," Remus said, looking appalled at the idea.

"Well there has to be some way to do this."

"I'll hold her then," Sirius offered.

"No one is holding anyone against their will," Remus stated firmly.

"The wall."

They all turned toward James. "What?" asked Remus.

James rolled his eyes. "If she's backed up against the wall she can't pull away," he explained, annoyed. He poured himself another drink.

'My poor darling,' Lily thought. She didn't know if she would be so cool if their situations were reversed, and marvelled at the man's patience. It spoke volumes about his character and just how much he trusted her and his friends.

The third time proved to be the charm. When she had nowhere to retreat, she managed to get a firmer grasp of how his magic tasted, or perhaps 'behaved' would be the more operative word. In complete contrast with his docile mouth, his magic was probing, inquisitive, forceful.

She believed what he had said. He really was a werewolf on some level every day of the month, not just the full moon. There was a wildness to his magic; it seemed to pace within his mouth, sniffing and searching hers, like any dog might, trying to catch the scent of her own magic but only finding traces of his friends'.

She doubted Remus himself could actually sense it. Pushing him away, she immediately went to scribble away on her parchment. She sat away from everyone so no one could look over her shoulder to see the list of questions and suppositions she was writing.

She wondered what other effects (besides the singular taste) his werewolf side had on his magic. Was he resistant to curses, as Hagrid was? Did it offer him any protection? What special properties might his blood contain? Et cetera and so forth.

Finished with the line of questions for the time being, she tucked her parchment and pencil safely back into the pockets of her robes.

"Well, that was very interesting," she remarked. "And now if you don't mind I think I'm going to go back to the castle and have a very rigorous shower and tooth-brushing."

The men chuckled at that.

"Will you be returning?" Sirius asked.

"I think not, Black. I have to see Moody in the morning. And don't forget you and I have a date for later."

"I haven't forgotten."

She was leaning in to kiss James goodnight when she stopped and put a hand over her mouth. She needed to be properly uncontaminated before she could be worthy of him again. It was a strange thought but she couldn't stop herself from reasoning that way, and something told her James wouldn't hold it against her.

"I'll be waiting for you," she whispered, brushing his cheek with the back of her hand before turning back around to address the rest of them. "Goodnight all. Now that I'm gone you can continue with the real fun."

"Nonsense."

"Naw..."

"Don't be ridiculous," came the Marauders' loyal replies, however untruthful.

She was heading towards the front door where she would transform when James verbally stopped her. "Through the passage, if you please. There's a mad werewolf about."

"_Not anymore_," Sirius said under his breath with a vicious smirk. Lily decided that to pursue this topic would probably only upset and delay her. She had enough of the former for one day and she couldn't at this point afford the latter.

Pretending she hadn't heard – a trick that would take her far – she obediently left through the passage.

x

Lily wasn't in her room so he went up to his. Sure enough, she lay on his bed asleep. Or at least pretending to be asleep; he still had difficulty telling the difference. He studied her as he began removing his cloak, tie, and shirt.

She looked so innocent with her eyes closed and he was reminded of a night they had spent in the Leaky Cauldron. Perhaps it was a possession thing but he liked the sight of her in his bed. Since their first time, they had spent very few of their evenings in his room. Granted, her room afforded much more warmth and comfort than his did, but still there was something gratifying about having her there.

When he sat down next to her to remove his shoes and socks he noticed she still smelled of soap and shampoo. She moaned sleepily and reached out a hand to rub his leg. "All clean now. I'm fit to touch you again," she mumbled.

He grinned slightly, amused at the notion that she could be anything less than worthy. She was un-spoilable.

He kissed her forehead. "I'll be back." Even in his inebriated state he had the presence of mind to shower and brush his teeth before joining her again. She was more awake now, waiting for him.

"James?"

"Hmm?" he asked as he changed into a relatively clean pair of pyjama pants.

"I don't think I could have behaved as well you did today had our positions been reversed. I'd probably have hexed anyone who touched you."

"You would?" He was pleased that Lily had some less than generous feelings every now and again. Plus it was particularly satisfying to know that he wasn't the only one who was a bit possessive. Alright, _extremely_ possessive. He prided himself on never letting his jealousy show, but times like this evening took all he had.

"Well, I'd be _sorely_ tempted," she answered.

"Want to know something?"

"Always."

"I _was_ sorely tempted."

"How sorely?" she encouraged, smiling at this admission.

"_This close_," he whispered, bringing his face mere inches away from hers. "I was _this close_ from doing it."

"That's pretty close," she said. James was pleased to note her breath caught in her chest. He loved that he affected her that way.

"Not close enough," he growled, removing all distance between them.

x

After James finally got the satisfactory ending he had been wanting all day , they lay there in quiet discussion as they always did. They conversed in whispers. Neither knew why; there was no need to keep their voices down. Perhaps it was just to preserve the intimacy.

"I was thinking... perhaps I'd take you to her one of these days. I haven't even visited her grave myself," said James.

She continued stroking his head. "I'd like that."

Several minutes passed in silence before he asked, voice even softer than before, "_Does it ever go away_?"

"No, James. No, it doesn't," she answered, sad she had to reply so truthfully. Contrary to popular belief, time doesn't heal _all_ wounds. Like the guilt that came from her own parents' murder, the guilt that James felt from the death of his mother _wouldn't_ go away. It would be something for which they would always suffer.

* * *

**Bonus Material!**

Now we know the rules of Quidditch (at least I hope so.)

What we might _not_ know is that among the Marauders, Quidditch was practically a metaphor for life. If the rules of foul play were good enough for their number one favourite sport it was good enough for their second... _women._

**A Quaffle: Signifying any girl, particularly easy ones. Readily and effortlessly passed from one person to the next. Like in Quidditch, scoring with a Quaffle is worth 10 points.**

**A Snitch: A girl a Marauder was seriously pursuing. Again, the same scoring applies.**

**(Yes, they did keep count. Yes, Sirius did win.)**

**List of a few fouls in Quidditch (and Wenching) **_(Note to self: if I'm going to publish this section must find a less offensive word for 'wenching') _

**blagging **

**Foul: Grabbing onto the broom tail of another player (Deliberately sabotaging another man's pursuit by acting on the man himself, i.e. hexing, jinxing, cursing, and in one memorable instance, lassoing.)**

**bumphing **

**Foul: intentionally hitting a Bludger toward the crowd in order to halt the game momentarily and thereby denying an opposing Chaser a score (A diversionary tactic which often involved the blowing up of toilets)**

**cobbing **

**Foul: excessive use of elbows (same meaning in MarauderSpeak)**

**flacking **

**Keeper foul: pushing any part of his or her body through a goal hoop to prevent a score. (AKA: Cock block. Most notably is the renown Flacking of James Potter to keep Sirius Black away from Dorcus Meadowes. As much as James denies it to Sirius, he and Dorcus weren't entirely platonic.)**

**haversacking **

**Chaser foul: when the Quaffle goes through the hoop before it is released from the Chaser's hand. (Obviously, this does not translate into MarauderSpeak. It is slightly impossible to let go of the Quaffle before scoring. If you let go of the Quaffle, you don't score. But like in Quidditch, after scoring there is no need to hold onto said ****Quaffle****, and it can be passed along.)**

**quafflepocking **

**Chaser foul: Tampering with a Quaffle to make it fly differently. (****Tee hee****... you don't want to know.)**

**snitchnip **

**Foul which happens when any other player than the Seeker touches the Golden Snitch. (Self explanatory. But it bears mentioning that this rule is only in effect within the Marauders themselves. Outside the group they were perfectly allowed to pursue other men's women.)**

**stooging **

**A tactic once allowed where two of the Chasers would ram the opposing Keeper aside so the third Chaser could score a goal. This was outlawed in 1884 and Stooging is now a foul. (This is a tactic used by the Marauders, but not considered foul play. It involves two or more Marauders settinganother ****man up to fail, to make way for their fellow Marauder to score. M****ost successful example of stooging: Sixth year, Peter's successful wooing of Jane Carmichael through the efforts of James, Sirius and Remus blagging three men who were also wanted to ask said girl to the dance. Peter was accepted because the other men never got the chance to ask her, being somehow stuck in the hospital wing at the time.)**

**_Yes, the Marauders weren't the greatest of kids. We knew this. We still love them._**

* * *

_(__**a/n**__) While you might have passed over it without a second thought I thought I'd defend myself a bit. I know I put forgiveness as the opposite of power in this chapter, but I don't necessarily think that forgiveness is a weakness. I'm not all __**that**__ Machiavellian. But in this case, with this __**particular**__ power Lily was talking about it would be. I meant the ruthless totalitarian power Voldemort had, not power and strength in general. That is all; I just didn't want any comments yelling at me for political or moral depravity. :-)_ _(Even though you might be just on both counts)_

_And I'd like to apologise once again for __**I Wish I Were A Gryffindor**_. _I've done poetry, rhythm and rhyme a great injustice with this song. I hope they will forgive me. I keep offending them with this fic._


	57. In Which a Ridiculous Name is Acquired

Well, I've left Germany and have set up headquarters back in Ireland. I will be here for the year so I'm quite settled but have yet to install the internet in my house. They say it'll be two weeks. So updates shouldn't be hindered by anything other than genuine work.

And thank you to my beta Spoons Are for Marmalade Skies, who cut down the last chapter by, I'm not kidding, probably a thousand or two useless words and this chapter by about half.

_**Chapter 57: In Which a Ridiculous Nickname is Acquired**_

Lily had breakfast in the kitchens the next morning, because she planned on leaving for the Ministry long before they started serving in the Great Hall.

"Good morning, Poppy," she greeted as she re-secured the invisibility cloak. It had begun to slip out of her waistband.

The elf never ceased to be pleased when Lily greeted her specifically. "What can Poppy do for you?"

"A cup of tea for starters, I'm dead tired."

The snow had turned to ice overnight, making her trek to Hogsmeade slippery business. She was planning on changing into a doe once she was out of sight of the castle, but Hagrid stepped out as she passed his hut it and offered to go with her.

"What takes yeh to Hogsmeade at this hour?" he asked.

"Going to see Moody," she replied. "Wanted to get it over with while the Ministry is relatively empty. Now there's a lot to whom I would _not_ be willing to give the benefit of the doubt."

"I take it yeh've been readin' the Prophet?"

"Morbid curiosity. Ever since that article about my 'life of crime' and 'dramatic death' I've been keeping an eye on it."

"It's gettin' worse."

Lily let out a huff of sarcastic laughter. "What isn't?"

"Professor Sprout said th' same thing jus' yesterday. She said she's tried pest repellent but the plants in one of the greenhouses have gone to ruin anyway."

"Yes, I had it from Madame Pomfrey that the Valerian were ruined. I was counting on Sprout's store to compare that Valerian I found yesterday. Remember?"

"Valerian would be in Greenhouse One though, wouldn'it?" Hagrid asked.

"Of course, but..."

"It was Greenhouse Three what was ruined. All save the Mandrakes o'course. Sprout moved 'em all out to other greenhouses, needed to kill the pest that got to 'em."

"I assumed the Valerian was in Greenhouse Three," Lily said, "with all the others that were spoiled."

"They'd be in number one though, wouldn't they? With the least magical plants."

"That's what I thought."

"Yeh could just ask Professor Sprout herself."

"True but..." But she wanted to study it and make a brilliant conclusion first, _then_ show Sprout so she could get the credit. Now Sprout would immediately snatch it away from her and Lily would be denied everything. The only credit she would get would be for finding it. Big deal, anyone can pick a plant.

She was a bit more ambitious than that. Seeing as she would be in London anyway she could always stop in Diagon Alley, they were bound to have it.

This thought cheered her up immensely. Knowing that she wasn't sacrificing her brilliant discovery to Professor Sprout, she continued on her way to Hogsmeade with a spring in her step.

x

The atrium was slightly more crowded than it had been the last time, and Lily felt all the more uneasy. James had said that the number of people on the Dark Lord's side could be as high as fifty percent. Wanting to get in and out as quickly as possible, and since they would know where she was anyway, she chanced apparition.

The Ministry building itself, James had told her, was almost like a sanctuary to refugees. Outside of it people could do whatever they pleased, but inside its walls they are obligated not to attack one another. However, though people avoided direct confrontation, the underlying animosity was palpable, and tensions ran high. No one trusted anyone else, and neither did she.

Alice was one of the few on duty at that ridiculous hour; Lily winked at her on her way into Moody's office. This time she was prepared for his intense bellowing, though she wasn't expecting the question he asked.

"What was the name of the Muggle you saw the Dark Lord murder?"

"_Tom_," she whispered. Her shoulders, which had been tight with expectation, drooped in sadness as she gave her reply. She looked at the floor guiltily, though what she had to feel guilty for she didn't know.

"Sit," he said, following his own advice. "Dumbledore's been here all morning; he'll be back once he's finished with the Gamot"

"Oh."

"'When he gets here we'll want to see your memory of that night. Only got a brief summary, we need more details. Dumbledore didn't want to press you until you were ready but I think you've had more than enough time as it is."

"Of course sir," Lily said coldly, not because she was cross with Moody, but to keep any emotion out of her voice. She removed the memory from her mind and placed it in the Auror's Pensieve, glad that the voyeur could only see the experience. He would only see how she struggled; he wouldn't know how wonderful it had felt when Voldemort put that stone against her cheek...

"None of this is going on record, so you won't have to sign any statements or give any evidence. This is just for me and Dumbledore to know."

If this went down on record, any spies in the Ministry would know exactly what information they had on Voldemort. This would have to be kept private, only for certain trusted Aurors and Order members. While Lily liked to think that this was to safeguard information, she knew that it was also to control the level of fear. People might panic if they knew the Dark Lord was after immortality, but 'panic' wouldn't begin to describe what they might do if they knew how close he was to having it.

When Dumbledore finally arrived Moody grumbled about 'old sods taking their bloody time', as they both disappeared into the Pensieve. Lily slumped into her chair, knowing there was nothing for her to do but wait. She didn't mind waiting, it was the moment they would resurface she dreaded.

They would want to talk about it, and she had already said more than she was willing to. Though James wouldn't have made any difference in the proceedings, his presence would have made her feel better.

'Buck up, Evans,' she thought, 'your feelings aren't important. You'll get no sympathy here, nor do you deserve it.' Just because James coddled her should give her no reason to get used to it. Nor did she wish to. That road led only to weakness. And weakness only lead to downfall. She steeled her resolve, and by the time Moody and Dumbledore came out of the Penseive she was ready to face anything they could throw at her.

She had ended her memory from when she blacked out the third or so time, leaving off the bit with Severus saving her, and sure enough, Moody wanted to know where the end of the memory was.

"It will give you no information worth having."

"I'll judge that for myself, Evans."

"As a personal favour I ask you to take my word for it. My humiliation at the hands of an eager, masked Death Eater won't give any insight other than what I look like under my robes."

"Ah..." growled Moody, turning to Dumbledore. "You were right about them concealing something. Both Potter and Black were reluctant to go into detail about how they found her."

"I asked them not to," Lily said. She had a sneaking suspicion that Moody was hoping Dumbledore would extract the truth from her, using means that he himself could not.

Sure enough, Dumbledore said, "Of course, Miss Evans. Are you sure there isn't anything else?"

She was _not_ going to make eye contact with a known Legilimens. She looked to the floor, hoping her evasive eyes would be taken for shame at being molested by a death eater, rather than saved by one.

"Nothing that occurred after the memory you saw. It was just the boys finding me and taking me away," she said, this time directing her statement to Moody, still not meeting the eyes of the headmaster. What Dumbledore did wasn't always in one's best interest, despite what the sympathetic twinkle in those cornflower blue eyes might lead one to think.

And she admired him all the more for it.

"I can't tell you anything you don't know. May I go?"

"Why not stay and discuss it?" Dumbledore suggested. "Your insight would be appreciated."

"I... I..." Damn, how as she supposed to get out of this one? "I don't know what to tell you," she said honestly.

"As best you can, explain how it works."

"It's as you saw. I can't..."

"You can," Dumbledore encouraged.

"And will," Moody added with a growl. Dumbledore peered over his spectacles at his forceful friend before favouring Lily with a gentle smile.

"I would be very much surprised in you, Miss Evans, if you hadn't given the matter thought. Not to mention disappointed in myself for being so mistaken about your character." The headmaster's eyes were twinkling at this slight tease. Lily didn't really feel amused.

"It's true, sir, I _have_ thought about it. I've thought about it until I thought I'd go mad but I still can't tell you anything but theories."

"That is all we are asking of you."

x

"It didn't make me feel any stronger or more youthful than before," she said a quarter of an hour later, after she had loosened up a trifle. "So I doubt it can fortify or rejuvenate. I don't think using it makes him more indestructible or younger than he already was... _is_."

"Rather?"

"Rather it... it fills with life, as if you have more life to live. That's... that's the best I can describe it. I know it isn't much..."

"It's more than we had," Dumbledore said, cutting her off by holding up a hand. "Thank you." He turned to Moody, who nodded "_Now_, I believe you may go."

Lily and James had decided that since she was more of a Charms expert, she would try (as subtly as possible of course) to get a feel for the kind of security enchantments that had been used in the 'research room', to keep the map in place. The sooner they could get that map out of the Ministry the sooner they could Apparate and Portkey freely.

James had been in the room on two previous occasions to glean what information he could. According to him it had been fully manned both times, even in the dead of night. Keeping everything he had said in mind, she donned the cloak and set out for the Department of Magical Transportation.

x

Far away from London, outside a house in the country, rain drizzled from the depressingly dark sky. Even then the Dark Lord had cast an obscurity charm on the room... as always. Severus suspected that He had a certain sense of the dramatic. To be sure it would be more practical to have a few more candles lit.

Not surprising though, that the Dark Lord always kept his Death Eaters in the dark.

Severus didn't know above five other Death Eaters by name or face. Clever wizard that he was, he could guess at who several of the other members were, but he didn't know for certain, nor did he have any idea what they did. He barely knew what he did himself, he rarely knew to what use the Dark Lord put the seemingly random potions Snape brewed for him, or what he did with the information Snape brought.

But that was part of the reason he had signed up. He had first been lured into the Dark Lord's ranks by all the marvellous prospects he would have. He wanted to be respected and feared more than he wanted power, and equally tempting were the Dark Lord's assurances that he would be offered a place to research dark and ancient magic without fear of legal repercussions. The only condition was that he would report all his findings to the Dark Lord himself, and that he would do what the Dark Lord asked of him.

It had sounded simple enough.

Now, five years later, he was among the Dark Lord's most inner circle. Severus was no mere pawn. He was not a foot soldier. Tom Riddle did not get to be where he was by hexing everyone right and left. It was with cunning, intelligence, skill; and unbending, unsympathetic practicality used to power his ambition – qualities he saw in Severus Snape. He would not risk a brilliant mind and cunning strategist in petty , it wasn't all what Snape thought it would be. The Dark Lord had commissioned him to produce a spell that would torture a victim, but still leave him with his ability to speak. Crucio was all fine and good, but if one really wanted information out of someone, Crucio made it rather difficult; they did nothing but scream and shake. So Snape came up with something that wouldn't kill people or turn them mad or leave them so hoarse from the shrieking they couldn't speak, but that was still so unendurably painful they would provide the information the Dark Lord wanted...

Snape had even been supplied with test subjects to conduct his research. A family of Muggles, from his own hometown as it so happened. The Petersons. A mother, father and their boy. It was yet another offer he couldn't refuse; even if he wanted to...

No, it wasn't entirely what he imagined it would be. Still, he couldn't say he regretted his decision.

x

Lily threw open her trunk and began digging around for a fresh pair of stockings. She was displeased, one, because she had sunk into a snow drift on the way back from Hogsmeade and was soaked to the knee; and two, because her trip to Diagon Alley had been disappointing. Not only had the apothecary been out of _**Valeriana officinalis**_, but they had been cleaned out of almost everything else as well.

"It's unbelievable that at this time of year, when people are unwilling to leave their homes even to do shopping, that they should be sold out," she complained as she tore off her wet stockings. Sirius noticed her bare legs, and returned his gaze to the Hogwarts grounds. "Perhaps it was just one buyer. Someone stockpiling, or some Ministry project. Go back next week."

"I don't want to wait a week."

"Then you'll have to use the Hogwarts greenhouses," he said, taking a sip of tea. "And let Sprout in on the find."

"I will _not_. Besides, it might have been destroyed with the pomegranates and all the others."

"Pomegranates?"

"Just an example. Madame Pomfrey made mention of a shortage for a potion."

"Wouldn't have been blood replenishing, would it?" he asked.

"May have been."

"But not for you..."

Lily went back to rifling through her trunk, avoiding the question. Sirius' brows furrowed unhappily and he advanced on her.

"Cariad," he began, but stopped short. Instead of stockings (which she couldn't find) she had pulled out a necklace and chain from the bottom of her trunk. It was a pretty thing, not so nice as what she normally wore, but still a fine piece. An amethyst, if he was any judge.

"I forgot I had it," she whispered, more to herself than anything.

"Put it on," he said.

"No," she replied, shaking her head. It was the necklace she had bought from Borgin and Burkes. Severus hadn't taken it with him when he took the potion and the incriminating list.

"Who gave it to you?" he asked. His voice was cold and his face unreadable.

"I bought it." She turned to look at him. "That day in Borgin and Burkes. Thrown into the deal I made as Olga Malinkov."

"What does it do?" he asked simply. If he were James he would have told her off for not having turned it in. He _might_ not have lost his temper, but he would certainly have been angry.

"Some sort of unfeeling thing. I think it makes the wearer impervious to emotional or physical stimuli."

"Does it now?" he asked, interest creeping back into his voice. He plucked the piece from her hands and stepped away to inspect it.

She rose to her feet. "Don't put it on!" she said worriedly, lunging toward him to try and take it back. In one fluid motion he moved out of her way kissing her on top of her head and using her own momentum gently shoved her onward so that she toppled onto her bed.

"Stay there," he commanded, taking it over to the window so he could observe it in better light. Not that one could ever really _see_ the magical properties of an object.

"I meant to research it but the death of Chevalier drove it out of my head."

"Mmhmm."

"The metalwork is quite old, but not gobline."

"I can see that."

"Nor have I ever read anything about 'unfeeling' spells."

"Neither have I," he replied, not taking his eye off the stone. It didn't surprise him; there were lots of lost spells. Some magic wasn't exactly dark, but it was so ancient that the only ones knew about it were those interested in the 'cruder' arts... and the only people in modern times who were interested in ancient arts were Death Eaters. The necklace's lack of Ministry certification made it an illegal object, rather than its own inherent 'evilness.'

"I've never put it on."

"Afraid?" he asked with an ironic smile.

"Terrified." He walked over to her and patted her head.

"Good girl. How much did it cost you?"

"Half my Gringotts vault. Together with the potion it was 400 gold. But Malfoy took back the vial and now all I have to show for my poverty is a necklace I neither need nor want."

"I'll take it."

"Will you wear it?"

"Might. It would make for an interesting experiment."

Lily looked both worried and curious. Curiosity won out and she asked, "You will tell me what you find out?"

"Of course, Cariad."

"And you'll be careful?"

"My dear, I am the _epitome_ of careful," he said with a reckless smile.

"I'm not joking," she said with a pout.

"Oh, fine. In all earnestness, I will use all necessary caution and presence of mind. I take my _magic_ seriously, if little else," he said, sliding it into his pocket.

Lily stood from her bed and gave him a sincere look.

"I _promise_," he said, tilting her chin up with a knuckle and looking her square in the eyes. He pressed his warm teacup into her hands. "So, 400 galleons did you say? Would you prefer I hand the gold over to you personally or just transfer the gold from my account to yours?"

"You aren't serious. Surely you aren't serious. That's far too much gold to just... I mean... you can't. You just can't."

"Can't I? I see no problem with it."

"I don't want any gold. I'm _giving_ it to you."

"Nonsense. That gold will mean more to you that it does to me. Can't have my favourite girl starve, now can I?" he asked giving her shoulders a squeeze.

"I may be poor but I don't need your charity."

"This isn't a charity donation, it's a business transaction."

"It's extortion. Even if I would accept payment, which I won't, 400 is much more than it's worth."

"You'd make a pitiful businesswoman, Cariad. I guess that means it'll have to be a bank transfer, save me the trouble of forcing the gold into your hand," he said. Lily started to argue more but before she could get a word out Sirius summoned dry stockings from her trunk and shoved them in her mouth. "I'll have no more argument, thank you," he said. He gave her behind a playful swat as he swaggered out the room. "And try that on!" he called out before shutting the door behind him.

x

Lily took the stockings out of her mouth and looked at the garment Sirius had brought with him. Her dress robes for the dance. He had said he would choose for her but she hadn't taken him seriously. That's why he was there, to help her and Rupert plan this thing. It seemed so long ago that Marlene died, and Sirius had offered his assistance. She was grateful and only a tiny bit bitter.

She put the dress on and admired herself in the mirror. It was a lovely cut, lovely colour, lovely everything.

"Sirius, darling," she said as she entered the common room. "How ever did you manage to find something so..."

"Perfect?" he asked, not taking his eyes away from the book he was perusing.

"Well, for lack of a better word."

"It was lying around the Witch Weekly storehouse. Thought it'd do well enough. Had to alter it a bit so it would fit you." He licked his thumb and casually flipped a page.

"It's brilliant."

"Yes, well, brilliant is as brilliant does." He turned and looked at her for the first time. Lily appreciated the raise in his eyebrows and was duly flattered.

"How do I look?" she asked, aware of (but not bothered by) the fact that she was fishing for compliments.

"I... I'm a genius," was his reply. Not exactly the praise she had been looking for. But it was true that Sirius deserved the credit. All she had done was put it on. "That is to say you are rather dangerous looking."

"Dangerous?" That hadn't been one of the adjectives she had been hoping for.

"In general there is nothing more dangerous than a beautiful woman," he said charmingly, kissing her hand. A moment later he dropped it again and chuckled sardonically. "Just ask James, he can tell you. Got caught up in a pretty little thing in his youth and was her slave for weeks. She was some sort of siren. He had no free will of his own – but then again, that's what they do."

"Her _slave_?" she asked, hoping that her voice sounded more conversational than disgusted and jealous.

"Not for long," Sirius reassured her. "He knew what she was, just had a bit of a hard time getting out of her net. He was miserable every moment of it."

"Good," Lily spat in sour triumph.

"What was that, Cariad?"

"Nothing," she said quickly. A knock sounded from the portrait hole and she was glad for the distraction. "That'll be Rupert."

"Goody," said Sirius sarcastically, snapping the book shut. Lily went and let Rupert in.

He looked her up and down and said, "I feel underdressed."

"Then go home and change," suggested Sirius helpfully. "And don't come back," he added, _less_ helpfully.

"I was just trying it on."

"Well, you will do me justice at the ball."

"Yes, but will you do _her_ justice?" asked Sirius with a malevolent smirk.

"Of course he will," Lily answered for him, going back to her room to change. "Best looking lad in the year."

Half an hour later they were sitting around the table, bouncing ideas off each other and throwing the discarded ones into the fire. At first Lily thought that Sirius and Rupert had irreconcilable differences in opinion, then decided they simply liked arguing with one another. Lily secretly did her Charms and Transfiguration homework, pretending to take notes.

"What do you think, Lily?" Rupert asked.

"What? Oh, I uh... I'd have to go with Sirius on this one," she replied, unsure of what they were discussing or if Sirius had even ventured an opinion.

"There exists at least one sensible woman," Sirius declared.

"But that doesn't go with the theme," Roo interjected.

"Have we decided on one?" Lily asked.

"We haven't _agreed_ on one, no," explained Sirius, resting his legs atop the table and crossed his hands behind his head. "Love is the obvious choice, seeing as it's around Valentine's. For that reason alone I think it should be rejected." Lily was sure his reluctance to do such a sentimental theme had more to do with a personal distaste rather than his desire to avoid clichés.

Rupert rolled his eyes. "As if a masque isn't the oldest idea in the book," he argued.

"Well then do something new. Something relevant," said Lily.

"Excellent idea, Cariad. You can go as corrupt ministry official and Ferris here as a Death Eater, hmm?"

Lily kicked his legs from off the table, glaring. He rolled his eyes in response.

"Did you have something in mind?" Roo asked, ignoring this little squabble.

"Not really, no... Perhaps something like, unity or cooperation."

"Add party planner to the list of things you should never be," remarked Sirius drily.

"What?" she asked acerbically.

"This is a fête, not a fundraiser. It should be fun and uplifting."

"Hope _is_ uplifting."

"But you didn't _say_ hope."

"It was implied with the unity and cooperation."

"Hope," said Rupert musingly. "I like it. It's light but evocative."

"I'm in a room full of optimists," Sirius complained.

"No no no," Lily said at once, sitting down next to Sirius on the couch. "Optimism is not the same thing at all. Surely you can see the difference between mere optimism and genuine hope."

Sirius sighed. "Optimism isn't nearly as powerful," he said under his breath.

"Exactly!" she said excitedly.

"Oh very well. You have to go and make everything meaningful. A simple masquerade is just intrigue, excitement, and frivolity."

"Owl," Rupert announced as a messenger bird flew in.

"That's Dasher," said Sirius, going over to the bird and taking the letter from his leg. He skimmed the parchment, added a response and sent it off again.

"Dasher?" Lily asked as Sirius sat back down.

"That's right."

"As in Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen?"

Sirius raised his eyebrows.

"They're reindeer," she explained, embarrassed.

"I'm sure," he said condescendingly. "Dasher, as in Haberdasher, and he is only my work owl."

"I've been meaning to ask. What's the name of that beautiful black one?"

"Ptolemy," he said, both in explanation and in greeting to the owl that just flew in. "What do you have for me?" This time when he read the letter he seemed unbelievably bored, and tossed the note into the fire before he finished reading it. The flames crackled and sparked, and a musky perfume filled the air.

"Merlin," Sirius choked, fanning away the fumes. Lily and Rupert covered their faces as Sirius performed a charm to fan the air out the window.

"Another of your devoted admirers?" Lily asked.

"It was nothing," he replied, before turning to reproach his owl. "I thought I told you not to bother me with stuff like this."

Ptolemy hooted guiltily and flew over to the perch next to Ebony. Surprisingly, Lily's owl did nothing to shoo him away. Normally the two birds did not get on. Lily, feeling bad for him, went over and gave his feathers a stroke. She was absentmindedly looking out the window when she noticed Professor Sprout come out of the greenhouses and head into the castle. It was nearing suppertime, so she was probably turning in for the day. Excellent.

"Well it looks as if you boys have things well in hand so if you don't mind I think I'll just..."

"Uh pup pup!" Sirius interrupted, walking over and tapping her on her nose. He noticed Sprout heading toward the castle. "Ah, I see. When the gardener's away the Lilies can play, is that it?"

"Come now Sirius," she purred, gracing him with her most winning smile. "I'll only be a minute..."

"You always say that and it's always longer."

"Give me half an hour. You and Roo can carry on without me for 30 minutes."

"Not happily," Sirius said.

"He's right," Rupert agreed. Then under his breath he added, "_for once._"

"Fine. Take a break. Go have some dinner, do whatever you like. But I'm going to those greenhouses whether you like it or not."

As suspected, Greenhouse Three was completely empty. Greenhouse Two seemed to be filled to only half its normal capacity; the pest must have destroyed some there as well. Finding no Valerian there, she moved on to number one.

x

Sirius and Rupert, by tacit agreement, waited for Lily's return in silence. Roo was twirling the chess pieces across the board and Sirius kept his back to him, continuing to stare out the window.

Lily hadn't even been gone a minute when someone else walked outside and disappeared into Greenhouse One. Her red head finally appeared on the grounds as she went into Greenhouses Three and Two in turn before going into Greenhouse One.

The moment she opened the door she crumpled to the ground. Sirius straightened so quickly his spine cracked. The person who had been inside charged out, black robes billowing. All Sirius could tell from this distance was that the person was wearing bright pink earmuffs.

"Go get James and tell him to meet me in the Hospital Wing and make sure Pomfrey is ready!" he roared, already halfway to the door.

"What? You can't tell me what to-"

"That wasn't a suggestion, _boy_!" He grabbed Rupert by the collar, dragged him out the portrait hole, and shoved him in the direction of the seventh floor. "Go!"

Sirius didn't wait to see if Ferris did what he was told. He sprinted the rest of the way to Lily, hands covering both ears. Kicking the door shut with his foot, he silenced and locked the greenhouse before kneeling down next to Lily.

"Damned mandrakes," he cursed. He could only hope that they weren't mature enough to be fatal. He brushed the hair out of her face to check if that she was breathing, but his own breathing was so heavy he could hardly tell. He felt her neck for a pulse.

A steady thump, and he was almost certain it was her pounding heart and not his. He was about to heave a sigh of relief when he noticed a smear of red on his fingers: a trickle of blood was flowing from her ear.

"Fuck," he cursed again. The one in the earmuffs was a dead man if Sirius ever found him.

James and Ferris were both in the hospital wing, looking anxious and out of breath next to a bewildered Madame Pomfrey. All three faces fell when they saw him enter with an unconscious Lily.

'_Not again_,' they must have all thought.

Sirius looked around for an empty bed for him to put her down on, but every one of them was already occupied.

"My chambers, quickly," Pomfrey directed.

"Mandrake, I'm almost sure. Look here." He grabbed Lily's chin and turned it to the side so the Healer could see her bleeding ear. The pillow beneath Lily's head already showed signs of crimson stains.

"Ferris, go fetch the headmaster and Professor Sprout," Pomfrey said.

Before the others arrived Sirius had explained what he had seen. Immediately, James sent a Patronus to Hagrid, telling him to stand guard outside Greenhouse One. For the first time in Sirius' memory, Pomfrey seemed confident in what to do. Lily's inner ear was shattered, but she assured them it could be replaced with a spell and a good twelve hours of silence.

Sirius watched James stroke Lily's hair and cheek until Madame Pomfrey swatted his hands away so she could wrap bandages around her ears. When Dumbledore and Sprout joined them, they all stepped back to confer. Once again, Sirius went through what he had seen. Ferris, to the boy's own annoyance, was then thanked and dismissed, leaving the others to talk amongst themselves.

"Hagrid is guarding the greenhouses as we speak, but you might want to re-pot them as soon as possible," said James.

"Of all the nasty pranks!"

"Pranks don't involve death, Pamona," said James. Sirius, who_ had_ attempted a 'death prank' in the past, felt everyone's eyes automatically dart towards him.

"Was it a student?" Dumbledore asked.

"I couldn't tell, it was so far away. They wore black robes that could have been Hogwarts', and they disappeared into the castle so it's entirely possible."

"Pamona, keep Hagrid with you while you do your re-potting. I don't mean to alarm you, but I think that you were probably the intended target. Miss Evans simply came across the trap before you did," Dumbledore said.

"I agree," said James. "Whoever it was couldn't have known Lily was going to be out there. Most everyone knows you are the last to leave the greenhouses in the evenings and the first to arrive there in the mornings. It was just chance that someone else made that discovery instead."

"And who _would_ it be but _Lucky Lily Evans_," Sirius muttered under his breath.

"Me? But why?" Sprout asked with understandable alarm.

"That's my job to find out," James replied.

x

They agreed not to speak of this to anyone until the staff meeting the next evening. Everyone left, leaving Sirius with Madame Pomfrey. Lily was relocated to a bed in the actual hospital wing and an unperterbable charm was put about it so that she could have her 12 hours of silence.

Sirius sat in a chair, waiting for his friend to return; for he knew James would, and Sirius would have to turn him away.

"Look around mate, the wing is entirely full. You can't sit here all night for them all to see," he whispered in a growl. "Even in the cloak. You'd have to rest at some point. You don't have to wait for her, she'll be right as rain in the morning. Come on, let's get out of here."

"Then you'll have to stay with her, or Hagrid will."

"Why?"

"Because if Lily saw whoever uprooted those mandrakes she is a witness. Even if she wasn't the original target, she's a liability if she can identify him as the culprit."

"Hadn't thought about that. Hope she did," Sirius said eagerly.

"Not this time, mate," said James putting a hand on his friend's shoulder. "This one is _mine_."

x

It was dark and silent when Lily woke, bandages wrapped uncomfortably tight around her head. She drew back the curtains and found that all the other beds were taken, and none of them by James. He wasn't there.

There _was_, however, a very insistent dog who was trying to draw the curtains back around her bed. She gave up the struggle and let Sirius do what he wanted; he must have had his reasons. Curtains closed and both of them hidden away Sirius morphed back into a man. Before she could speak he quickly put a hand to her mouth and shook his head. He put a finger to his lips very carefully before putting both hands on her bandaged ears.

She looked at him curiously, but stayed silent. He pointed to an ear then made a fist. He opened it suddenly, violent and wide, miming an explosion. His eyes remained calm though. He pointed at his ear and repeated the gesture.

Her ears exploded? Clever girl that she was she put the pieces together and mouthed, "Mandrake?" and tilted her head to indicate a question. The simply movement made her dizzy.

"James?" she mouthed again. Sirius indicated the rest of the hospital wing patients with the sweep of an arm and she nodded. Too many people around.

Sirius leaned in and kissed her forehead before changing back into a dog and going back outside her curtains. 'He's always nicer when no one else can see it,' Lily thought to herself as she plumped her pillow, settling back into her bed and stared at the ceiling in contemplation.

x

James had spent hours in the greenhouse with Sprout and Hagrid, an hour in Hagrid's hut to enjoy a cup of tea and the half giant's company, and then a few more pacing his office. Not bothering to use his owl – which would have been too slow anyway – he had gone to Dumbledore's office to Floo Moody, only to find that the headmaster had already done so.

It was agreed by all that the incident would be put out as an accident, not only to protect Lily but also to keep the students calm.

It was an odd attack, though. Professor Sprout of all people was the least offensive, the least provocative. What could she have possibly done to deserve this? She was a Hogwarts professor and loyal to Dumbledore, but so were many others. Why her? If this was a dark attack, and not just some mad student finally cracked, there were other professors more worth killing. Himself, for example, or Minerva. Even tiny Professor Flitwick posed more of a threat.

But, James supposed, Pomona was the easiest target. She didn't have the castle walls to protect her throughout most of the day. If all they were after was to strike at the heart of Hogwarts, Pomona Sprout would be the simplest conquest. Her specialty was plants, not wandwork. Perhaps it wasn't personal, only publication. Or perhaps there was something else he had yet to pick up on.

Two thirty, James noted as he checked his watch. It wouldn't take long to visit the hospital wing. Merlin he was exhausted, and not just from the late night. It seemed that he was only able to enjoy a few hours of happiness at a time before he was dragged back down, trudging through the dark muck that was their world these days.

He planned to snatch another minute or two before retiring. He'd be in bed by 3.

x

He eased the door open as quietly as he could, but it still squeaked slightly. No one stirred. His invisibility cloak swished around him but he only took a step before he stopped.

Hackles raised, the monstrous black dog growled menacingly at the sound of an intruder. James was pleased that he had appointed such a ferocious and dutiful watch-hound. He knew with Sirius' heightened hearing and sense of smell, James' invisibility would serve him but little. Sirius must have recognised his scent though, for his growling stopped and he sat back down, his hair still a bit raised and muscles still tight, ready to pounce. James leaned down and patted his head.

"Good boy," he whispered with a smile the dog could not see and passed through Lily's curtains.

Her eyes were open, gaze focused on the ceiling. He could tell she was thinking something through in her mind. He was caught slightly off-guard when she reached out a hand, touching the silky fabric and his stomach beneath it.

He shouldn't have been surprised, she must have seen her curtains open and close and felt his presence as she always did. Removing his cloak, he sat down beside her, taking her hand. He knew she needed silence and was acutely aware of how much sound the quiet rustling of the sheets made, and the squeaking of the mattress under his weight.

She didn't seem to mind. She moved over to give him more room and he lay down beside her. Lily snuggled against him, and he stroked her head, the bandages a new and unwelcome addition to the usual feel. James smiled sadly at her. Lily, not pleased with his pity or solemnity, stuck out her tongue at him and poked him in the middle. He started to chuckle but quickly put his hand over his mouth to stifle the sound. Lily's eyes crinkled with laughter. Seeing as he was denied speaking or laughing, two of his top three favourite things to do with her, he leaned in to employ his mouth in the only remaining option.

He was in bed by 4.

x

Lily awoke the next morning to someone gently nudging her shoulder. In the sleepy haze she forgot she was in the hospital wing and mumbled, "Not now James, I'm tired."

She opened her eyes, and when they slowly came into focus she saw Sirius, hand covering his eyes and shaking his head disapprovingly. It wouldn't have been so bad had not Madame Pomfrey been sporting an equally censorious expression.

Whoops.

Poppy, wonderful woman that she was, said not a word about it; the bandages were removed and Lily's ears tested. In a whisper, the healer informed her that her hearing for the next few days might be a bit sensitive, so she should avoid overly noisy places like the Great Hall. Lily had no argument there.

"Alright now, the hospital wing is crowded enough without you, Mr. Black. Go on. You are getting in the way."

Lily suspected that Sirius wasn't exactly in the way, but his presence was causing a stir among Madame Pomfrey's other patients, whom she didn't want to get too excited.

"Don't have to tell me twice," he agreed affably. He rumpled Lily's hair and in an exaggerated stage whisper said, "See you, Cariad."

She stage whispered back, "Bye Sirius!"

He gave Lily and Madame Pomfrey equally flirtatious winks and turned on his heel, walking out the door with a stride full of smug purpose.

The calm lasted not even a minute, for a great black dog bounded in a moment later.

"Oh gracious! Get that beast out of here!" Madame Pomfrey yelled. Lily cringed and put her hands over her now ringing ears. Her head seemed to reverberate as painfully as if she were in the belfry at noon.

The dog skidded to a stop in front of the outraged woman, who, for all her anger, jumped back in fear at the sheer size of the thing.

"He won't hurt you," Lily reassured her, not taking her hands down until she was sure Madam Pomfrey was calm.

"Is this another one of your animals, Miss Evans?"

"I only have an owl, ma'am, but yes, I know him."

"Then make it leave."

"I'm afraid there is no ordering _him_ about. He always does precisely what he wants."

The dog let out another appreciative growl/chuckle. No indeed, he would never listen to a mere woman. The only person he might listen to was James. Or perhaps Dumbledore if he was in a good mood and the Headmaster made a good argument.

Of course she had no way of knowing that it was, in fact, James' order that he stay by her side in the first place.

Madame Pomfrey chose to ignore the offending pooch and went on lecturing_. _"I hope you realise how lucky you are. Although the adolescent cry of a Mandrake isn't usually fatal, the number of cries you heard could very well have been deadly."

Lily shuddered at the thought of a chorus of Mandrakes and was glad she couldn't remember anything about it. The dog put its hairy head at the foot of her bed and began messily licking her toes. She quickly withdrew her feet beneath the safety of her covers, wiping the drool off on the sheets. She pitied the next person to use this bed.

"Just a question, but why am I still here?" Lily asked in what she hoped was a non-temper-inducing tone of voice. She didn't want the healer to shout again, her head couldn't take it.

"Because you aren't ready yet. Even if you hadn't lost all that blood on Friday, you still wouldn't be able to walk in the state your in."

The dog tilted his head in confusion.

"Of course I can walk," Lily said confidently, swinging her legs over the side of the bed and taking a step toward the centre of the wing. The world seemed to flip about and in an instant Lily found herself with her face to the floor. The healer gave her a 'that's what you get for not listening to me' look. Lily was glad that Madame Pomfrey had absolutely no sympathy for her; she didn't want pity.

Nor did she want an enormous dog to plop casually on top of her and use her as a sleeping mat, but she got it anyway. He crossed one paw over the other and rested his head on them both, keeping Lily firmly in her place on the floor.

"Adding insult to injury, are we?" she hissed bitterly to her canine captor. He thwapped his tail twice. "Oh get off me you brute!" she commanded with absolutely no result. After a minute of fruitless struggle she whined miserably and put her face back down on the cold floor.

"The reason you can't walk, Miss Evans," Madam Pomfrey said, completely ignoring the fact that her patient was on the floor and under the mercy of a smelly and rather cheeky canine, "is that the fluids in your inner ear haven't fully filled and settled. Had you let me finish what I was going to say you would have known as much, and I would have then explained that if you want to regain your balance you will need to keep your head still and in an upright position for an hour or two."

"Ah."

"Let me know when you are ready. I have to see to the others."

'The others' had all witnessed the shameful scene and were enjoying a chuckle at her expense. So much for her pride as Head Girl. The boy in the bed next to her leaned over the side to look at her. Seeing her expression he laughed even more.

"Quiet you," she told him, giving him the best glare she could muster. It wasn't too harsh; she was too downtrodden for any real temper. The sad truth of the matter was that she hadn't the balance to stand herself up, even without the extra weight on top of her.

She had resigned herself to a morning on the floor and was actually finding herself feeling quite at ease under the warm weight, when Sirius rose and started growling, standing over her protectively. Lily sighed in relief when the cause of such an unfriendly reaction turned out to be Rupert.

The dog advanced and Rupert retreated, leaving Lily free. "Hey you, Chuckles," she said to the boy next to her. "Help me up before the dog comes back."

The boy obligingly helped Lily back onto her feet and into her bed; not a small feat for being half her size. He was grinning the whole time.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. I like your dog. He's nice."

"Well he's not being very nice at the moment." It was true, for the black beast was snarling at Rupert, backing him up into a corner. Lily might have been worried had not Sirius' tail been wagging happily the whole time. He wasn't out to hurt Rupert, merely tormenting him for his own amusement.

"Perhaps you should call him off," the boy suggested.

'Easier said than done_,_' Lily thought, but gave it a go. "Oi! Oi!" She couldn't very well call out 'Sirius,' that was far too obvious. "Snuffles! Come here boy! Here Snuffles!" she beckoned, slapping her thighs and making kissing sounds.

Sirius finally turned around and gave her a look that even as a dog clearly communicated, 'You've _got_ to be kidding. _Snuffles?_'

"Erm... sorry," she apologised. It really had been a horrible choice, she had no idea where the disastrous appellation had come from. "Come here, boy. Come on. Who's the handsomest doggy in the world? Who is?" His tail thumped the ground promisingly. "Come on boy! Come here!"

Sirius finally decided to be a good dog and do as he was told, going back to join Lily, appreciating all the attention that he wouldn't have accepted had he been human.

"New pet?" Rupert asked, brushing off his robes disdainfully.

Lily didn't answer but continued scratching the dog's ears. "Come to see me?"

"Why else would I be here. How are you feeling?"

"Fine. Obviously I can hear again, and in an hour or two I'll have my balance back as well."

"Excellent. But I suppose you'll be missing Defence Against the Dark Arts again."

"Erm... Yes. Well, tell Potter where I am."

"Oh, he knows."

"Does he?" Of course she knew that, James had come visit her in the night, but how in Merlin's name did Rupert know that?

"I got him myself. Obviously, being an Auror, it was imperative to alert him right away, to let them know you were attacked."

"Attacked?"

"Has no one told you?"

"Told me what?"

Rupert leaned in close and whispered so the others in the wing couldn't hear. Lily thought he ought to have done that from the beginning. "By the sound of it someone purposely uprooted the Mandrakes. They jumped right over you when they left. Apparently thought you were dead."

Lily shook her head. "No, no one told me." Neither did had they had much of an opportunity. They hadn't been allowed to speak until morning, and Madame Pomfrey had kicked Sirius out before he had time to explain. "What else?"

"I don't know, they wouldn't let me stay," said Roo with a pout. "You'd have to ask Black or Professor Potter for the real details."

Lily nodded, a bit taken aback by the news. No wonder James had such a sad expression on his face last night. But she couldn't have been the one they were after; she hadn't known she was going to be in the greenhouses at that time, so how could they have?

"He cares for you, you know," Roo said, interrupting her thoughts.

"What?" she asked, suddenly very afraid that her most dangerous secret was about to be found out.

"Black. I know before I said that he was a bastard, and he is, but he cares for you. I didn't entirely believe it until last night. The expression on his face..."

The black dog slunk under the bed so he couldn't be seen.

"He is a good man," Lily said.

"I wouldn't go _that_ far," Roo said dubiously.

Lily chuckled and thought the dog might have too.

x

Rupert left Lily in the hospital wing to go to his first lecture of the morning, Defence Against the Dark Arts. He rested his head on his desk as he waited for the everyone else to arrive. He was exhausted. He wouldn't let Lily know how terrified he'd been for her, she hated that sort of thing; but still, he would much rather have been back in bed than in class.

Professor Potter came in next, looking just as tired as Rupert felt. No doubt Potter had been up much later than he had. They waited in silence for the rest of the class to join them until Alice Hart walked in with several others from the class. She was talking animatedly.

"He brought her in and everything and he didn't leave her side the entire time I was there."

"Aww..."

"_Sirius Black_," another sighed dreamily.

"She's so lucky."

Rupert roused himself enough to mumble sarcastically, "Yeah, nearly killed by shrieking plants. If only all of you were so fortunate."

"Quiet! I have a lot to cover today so let's get started. First, I hope you all found Madame Pomfrey's lectures enlightening, and if you haven't signed up for a time in the hospital wing, please do so after class. Otherwise be prepared to turn in that essay next Thursday."

Rupert grumbled as Potter began his lecture. With all the time he spent in the hospital wing visiting Lily he should have fulfilled his requirement, he thought, but he had yet to sign up. Another thing to add to his mounting to-do list. Being a Head Student took a lot more effort than Lily made it appear. Teachers were always asking favours of you. Students were always asking favours of you. You were constantly being waylaid by nagging prefects about some business or other. Not to mention he had to suddenly appear to be a responsible student, attentive to his marks – and this was only the beginning of his second week as Head Boy. He'd have to ask Lily how she managed to make time for everything.

His chair suddenly jerked out from underneath him and he toppled to the floor. He painfully pushed himself up and rubbed his chin where it had smacked onto the ground.

"No one can afford to not pay attention. Constant vigilance," Professor Potter said loudly to the class. "Am I boring you, Ferris?"

Rupert shook his had as he placed his seat upright again. "Not at all, Professor. I find being thrown from my chair _excessively_ entertaining."

The corner of Potter's mouth turned up in an appreciative smirk. "Glad to know I wasn't the only one who enjoyed that. Moving on!"

x

James continued with his lecture on the role that environmental factors can play in fighting the dark arts, all the while grinning at Ferris' cheekiness. It had reminded him so much of Lily that he simply couldn't take points for it. Sometimes James forgot that she and Ferris had been good friends since their first year. Rupert Ferris had known Lily far longer than he had, and yet he barely gave the boy any thought. Rupert really did deserve more credit than James gave him.

After he finished the lecture, James made another announcement. "Next class we will be doing pair work, or I should say team work. You will work against other pairs so you can practice what it's like to fight in a team. Your partners' injuries are your failures; you will defend them, heal them. Thursday will be a double lesson, extending until possibly dinner."

There came from the class several loud complaints about 'fairness' and a half a dozen other equally inconsequential things.

"To make up for it we will not be having class next Monday morning," he explained further. This news was received much more pleasantly by the class. Of course not having lesson on Monday meant everyone could sleep in, and that James had more time to recover from a night of 'full moon-ing'.

"Furthermore!" he said loudly to quiet everyone down. "Thursday afternoon's practical will be held together with the 6th years, hence the odd time. It was the only time I could get both years together. After regular class we will all head out into the grounds, and you will be split into randomly selected teams to face one another. But I will explain that in more detail later. For now, focus on everything you've learned so far this year and keep practicing."

A hand went into the air.

"Yes?"

"Will this be graded?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"You'll find out on Friday."

"But that's after the assessment!" she argued. James ignored her.

"Any more questions? No? Class dismissed. Those of you wanting to sign up for a shift in the hospital wing, the timetable is in my office."

Four or five students followed him into his office, where two owls sat on his desk, waiting for him. He recognised one of them as Ebony. By the look of it, the other was a Ministry bird. Ebony had no note for him so he opened the Ministry missive while the students signed up for a time. While he was reading, Ebony flew onto his shoulder and gave his ear an affectionate nip. Lily must be out of the wing if she had sent Ebony to him.

"Yeah, I love you too," he said with a chuckle. The students in his office turned to look at him oddly. "Not you," he said to them. "The erm... the... th'bird."

The Ministry owl blinked at him.

"The other bird," he told it, not sure why he felt the need to clarify his feelings to an owl. It ruffled its feathers at him while he scribbled a note ('_Lunch at mine'__)._ Ebony went back to her master and James went back to his letter. By the time he finished reading it only Ferris remained.

He had already signed up and was simply standing there, waiting for something.

"Yes?" James asked.

x

"I want to know," Rupert said without preamble. He had to make it to class, he didn't want to waste time with unimportant words.

"Know what?"

"About what happened yesterday."

"Go on, you'll be late for Transfiguration," Potter said, waving a dismissive hand. Rupert would not be dismissed.

"I think I deserve to know," he persisted.

"The incident is going down as an accident, Professor Sprout didn't pack in the soil tightly enough when she was hastily re-potting the Mandrakes yesterday and they wiggled their way out of their pots. A young woman entered the greenhouse and was injured. End of story."

"That's not what happened and you know it."

Potter brought his voice down to a growl. "Yes, but if you want to keep Lily alive I suggest that be the story you stick with. Unless you want whoever it was to know we suspect him, and scare him into silencing any witnesses."

"Ah," said Rupert, clearing his throat uncomfortably. "Well, your man has nothing to fear. Lily didn't know it was deliberate until I told her this morning."

"She didn't remember?"

"Apparently not."

"Damn," he said, bring his hand down hard on the desk. "I was hoping she _had_ seen. Now we have no way of catching the -" He swallowed a rather unprofessional word and replaced it with "culprit."

"Sir?"

"Go on to Transfiguration, Ferris. I'll question her later." Roo shook his head, half in amusement, half in disappointment. He found it interesting that the professor didn't seem at all concerned that Roo might recognise Lily's owl in his office, and yet was very concerned to accept his help. He could understand, though; he had heard that Aurors were like that. But he wanted to help, why wouldn't anyone let him?

x

"Good luck getting past that guard dog of hers. Thing's a menace," Ferris warned before leaving.

James smiled broadly. 'Good ol' Padfoot...'He reached for the mirror in his robes.

"Sirius!"

His friend's angry face appeared a moment later, the scenery behind him moving quickly. He recognised it as Hogwarts castle.

"What?" he spat angrily.

"Leaving?"

"Yes and it's high time too."

"Why?"

"You think I have nothing else to do with my time than do your baby-sitting for you?"

"What are you on ab-"

"I'm a busy man and haven't time for ungrateful little snots, alright?"

"Surely-"

"Shut it, you're just as bad as she is. Who knows, perhaps she gets it from you."

"What?"

"Good day, James. That's just an expression. Feel free to have a shit one." And with that he was gone.

Utterly confused James put the mirror back in his pocket and looked around for something productive to do with his hands.

x_**A minute previous in Lily's dorm**_

"You know, Cariad, I've been wondering."

"About what?" she asked through her bathroom door. She was getting ready to go to Transfiguration.

"Pomegranates."

Lily froze, but only for a moment. She continued putting up her hair.

"Hungry?" she asked casually, stepping out of her bathroom and grabbing a hairpin from a table. Sirius was leaning nonchalantly against a bedpost.

"Didn't Poppy say something about you having lost a lot of blood on Friday? And I seem to recall you saying she hadn't the pomegranates to make a blood replenishing potion."

Lily stopped pretending to be ignorant. "Just don't," she said, annoyed, shoving her arms into her outer robes and snatching her cloak from the back of a chair.

"Were you doing blood experiments without me?"

"No, I wasn't. Drop it."

"Then what was it?"

"I'm not answering any more questions."

"Does James know?"

"He knows I went to the Hospital Wing, yes."

"But does he know the truth?"

Lily didn't answer.

"Was it an injury? Did someone do something to you?"

"You know Sirius, I appreciate your concern but-"

"I'm not concerned!" he defended immediately. "Just curious."

"Well I appreciate your _curiosity_ but-"

"But nothing. For your own safety I stay with you the entire night when I could have been doing _far_ more amusing things and you can't even give me one little truth in return! Such ingratitude."

"I never asked you to stay," she said, being baited into temper despite herself.

"That would have been at your darling James' insistence," Sirius said with cold sarcasm.

"To be sure you have far more important things to do and I'm sorry you had to waste your time with me," she said angrily. Sirius really knew how to get under her skin. The truth of his words only made her feel guiltier and angrier. She was being ungracious, she knew that, but she still couldn't tell him the truth. "So go on. If I'm such a hindrance to your schedule then by all means, leave. Go do whatever is _truly_ important to Sirius Black, like... like doing your hair or... or womanising!"

"Fine. I'm off," he said throwing on his cloak. He strode to the door mumbling things like, "Waste of time, indeed!" Just before he slammed the portrait behind him he shouted back at her, "And I wasn't concerned!"

The harsh sound of wood closing angrily on stone echoed somewhat painfully in her ears. Now Lily felt really terrible. She had been so unnecessarily cruel. She knew he was just being defensive and she had taken the bait and let herself get angry. Of course Sirius would rather be angry and fight than admit he had been worried. She should have known better, behaved better. She had acted just as childishly as he had just then, and for what?

She could have thanked him for his sacrifice and vigilance, even if she couldn't tell him what he wanted to know. But she had been just as defensive as he had, pushed him away and insulted him. They had backed each other into a corner and so they had both lashed out inappropriately. He was Sirius Black, he was allowed to be a bastard. She had no such excuse.

Leaving her school bag behind, she left in search of Sirius. "I'm going to be late to Transfiguration for this," she complained under her breath. She finally caught up to him on the grounds, giving the greenhouses a fleeting wary look before continuing after her prey.

"Sirius!" she called. "Sirius!" He didn't stop walking although he must have heard. Lily stopped following him. She was thinking that she might as well let him walk off angry when an idea struck her. It might work, or it might make him more furious than ever. She wouldn't know until she tried.

She started whistling and making kissing sounds. "Heeeeere Snuffles. Come on, boy! C'mere Snuffles!" He slowed, but didn't turn around. She made more kissy sounds. "Goood boy. Good Snuffles. Come on! Who's the handsomest doggy in the world? Who is?"

Sirius finally stopped and whirled around. "And another thing! Where on earth did you come up with such a ridiculous, hair brained, vomit-inducing name like Snuffles? Just hearing it triggers my gag reflex."

Lily could tell that he wasn't as angry as before. This was just pretence. Necessary, pride preserving pretence. She studied him for a moment before moving in.

He didn't hug her back, but neither did he push her away. He sighed patiently, perhaps letting out his remaining steam, perhaps just waiting for her to get it over with.

"Sorry for being an ungrateful wretch and thank you for staying with me. You really are quite extraordinary, you know that?"

"Of course I know that, I was beginning to fear that _you'd_ never catch on." She looked up at him to see him smiling confidently as ever. Apparently the five minutes were up.

"Consider me caught," she answered.

Sirius walked her to the Transfiguration classroom.

"McGonagall will oh so pleased at my tardiness," Lily commented sourly. "This will cost points from Gryffindor to be sure."

"You let me handle Minerva."

"No, Sirius. No mischief."

"Who said anything about mischief?"

"Well, it's you, so it is pretty much implied, isn't it?"

Sirius grinned proudly at what he took to be a compliment, whether it had been intended that way or not. "Nothing naughty, I promise." Lily wasn't entirely convinced, but the clock was ticking and it was getting later and later.

Brow furrowed, Lily nodded. Sirius opened the door and let her walk in first. Lily headed toward her desk with her head bowed and flinched slightly at McGonagall's harsh "Miss Evans!"

Lily turned to face the austere Transfiguration teacher, but Sirius had swooped in and was whispering in the woman's ear. When Sirius straightened again McGonagall's face was set, but not angry. She nodded silently at Sirius and Lily quickly slid into her seat next to Rupert, but Sirius shook his head and strode over, taking her bag and leading her to the back of the classroom.

"Can't have a professor bellowing in your poor little ears," he whispered conspiratorially. "Back of the room for you where it's quieter."

"I thought I said no mischief."

"This isn't mischief, it's consideration," he said, his easy smile challenging her to argue. She didn't. She sat down where he placed her bag in the very last row. Not even the slackers sat that far back.

Students turned in their seats to watch them. Sirius, incapable to pass up a chance to make a spectacular scene, grabbed her about the waist and smiled with wicked promise.

"No mischief," she whispered warningly. He rolled his eyes.

"You are no fun."

He settled for kissing her hand and strolled out of the room as if it was his and he was magnanimously giving them permission to continue using it.

McGonagall didn't look pleased at Sirius' antics, nor the whispers they inspired. She continued with her lecture, and Lily took out her books and parchments, wondering how much she had already missed and if Rupert had had sense enough to take notes.

She hadn't been sitting for even a minute when a tapping came from the window next to her. She looked around nervously at the incredible noise, but relaxed when she remembered that it wasn't loud to anyone but her. She silenced the window before opening it to let Ebony in.

_Lunch at mine_, the note read.

If this had been a normal day, Ebony's coming would not have gone unnoticed, seeing as she usually sat in the very front row. But no one looked back, and even McGonagall didn't notice, so she wrote a reply.

_Very well. I've only just now narrowly avoided McGonagall's wrath, thanks to your friend's jovial theatrics. Sorry for missing your lesson, one of these days I might make it there. L_

The reply came not five minutes later.

_When I spoke to him he didn't seem to be in a jolly mood. Would have ripped my head off had it been in range. What on earth did you do to set him off?_

_Oh, and I'm giving you detention for skipping my class. J _

Yes, poor Sirius wasn't feeling sufficiently appreciated for all his noble efforts. All is well now, though. And how dare you give me detention, I was in the hospital wing! L

_You're always in the hospital wing..._ J

Now that's just not true. If I were in the hospital wing **all** the time I wouldn't be able to get in the trouble to warrant being there, now would I? L

_I'm going to makes a fool's wish here and hope for no Hospital Wing visits for Lily Evans for an entire month. Think you can help me with that, my dear? J_

I'll do my best. Now leave me alone, I need to pay attention. L

Lily closed the window and tried to concentrate on the last 20 minutes of the lecture, but couldn't. Instead she made a list of all the things that had been swarming in her mind since the night before when she learned what had happened, and then this morning with Roo's new intelligence. It was a long list indeed, starting with...

1. Why greenhouses?


	58. In Which a NonLife is Taken

_For Christian. The only man who could call m__e "Baby" and get away with it._

**Chapter 58: In Which a**** Non-life is Taken**

She dodged into James' classroom during lunch. He sat as his desk sipping something from a goblet as he pored over some documents. She took a moment just to watch him, this simple activity seemed to refill a part of her that had somehow deflated during the course of the morning. He must have felt her eyes on him for he looked up from his work. Seeing her, he smiled and got to his feet.

"You look better without the bandages," he said, giving her a kiss on the cheek and a goblet. She gratefully accepted both.

"Thank you," she said, setting her bag down on the floor and taking the plate he proffered next. She sat down in _LILY'S CHAIR_ and said, "Why don't you tell me everything first, and then I'll start with my questions and theories."

"Straight to business, I see," he said with half amusement, half sad acknowledgment. "First thing's first, did you see who it was?"

"No."

"I suppose it would have made things too easy if you had," he said sarcastically. He then went on to describe what he and Professors Sprout and Dumbledore had discussed along with his own personal musings. She tried to contain her nerves and be patient while he spoke.

"So at least we agree that Sprout was the aim of the Mandrake scheme," Lily began.

"And where do we disagree?"

"I don't think she's the target."

"You just said she was."

"Only of that attack, but the greenhouses were in trouble before this incident."

"You think they are after the greenhouses?" he asked, a slight trace of scepticism in his voice.

"Not exactly. And I think Madame Pomfrey might be next, or perhaps Professor Slughorn."

"Alright, number one, why would someone attack a greenhouse? And number two, why are they next?"

"Well the plants were attacked first, if you remember. Without proper plants for ingredients, or without Professor Slughorn, medicinal potions can't be made. Without medicinal potions or Madame Pomfrey, there is no healing. We'd be completely vulnerable if some catastrophe struck Hogwarts. The hospital wing is already filling up because Madame Pomfrey is low on supplies."

"You've really given this thought," he said, impressed.

"You gave me the idea. Your note said no more hospital wing visits this month and it suddenly clicked."

"What if it's not his real reason?"

"It doesn't matter if that's his aim or not, it will still turn out that way. And it's not just Hogwarts greenhouses either. The apothecary in both Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade are nearly empty, and Madame Pomfrey couldn't even get her order for new ingredients from elsewhere. I mean, without healing what are we supposed to do?" she asked, letting the worry that had been settling in her brain seep out into her voice.

James sat on one of the armrests beside her. "I wonder why Madame Pomfrey didn't mention that last night while I was there."

"Because the connection hasn't been drawn between the two incidents. She doesn't see the correlation between the inconvenience of trying to get ingredients and an attempt of murder by mandrake. And I only found out yesterday about the other apothecaries."

"What were you doing there? If this only occurred to you this morning?"

"I was looking for a sample of valerian. I didn't want to use the Hogwarts greenhouses but for a last resort, plus I figured they'd be ruined anyway."

"Is the valerian important?"

"No, just a silly Lily thing."

"Alright let's get back to Madame Pomfrey's orders then. You said she tried getting ingredients from elsewhere but couldn't?"

"She said she ordered them but they never came."

"We'll have to talk to her about that."

"Do you think St. Mungo's is alright?"

"I'd have no way of knowing. I can make an enquiry, someone will find out for us."

"What if it's not? What if Voldemort has sabotaged all the healing centres and he wins because we all get sick and die because we can't heal ourselves?" she said with nervousness that bordered on hysteria.

"Shhh..." A warm arm found its way around her shoulders. When he spoke his voice was low and soothing. "We'll find out. I'll use Dumbledore's fire to Floo headquarters."

"Can we do that now?"

"Albus is probably at lunch. I'll do it while you're at Charms."

"What if it's true?"

"It might not be; this is just your theory."

"But what if I'm right? I _have_ been known to be right upon occasion."

She admitted it wasn't her best attempt at humour, but she wasn't in the best of moods. James smirked all the same, whether at the jest or the pitiful attempt at one she couldn't tell.

"Then we'll find a way to overcome it."

"Why isn't Voldemort sitting in a nervous heap trying to find a way to overcome _us_?"

"Erm..."

"I'll tell you why. It's because he is always on the offensive and we are always on the defensive. We just respond to whatever he throws at us. We have to do something to throw _him_ off guard."

"Alright General Evans. I'm all ears. Name the plan of attack."

There she was stuck. She couldn't strike at a person she didn't know where to find. Nor did she know how to overpower the most powerful wizard alive. Her best plan was to follow Dumbledore, and they were already doing that. She sighed and slumped against him, banishing her half finished plate to his desk as she rested her head on his thigh.

"We're falling further and further behind. I'm afraid that we are already doing the best we can and it simply isn't good enough. There exist more problems then there are solutions. Death, destruction and despair in every direction."

He began stroking her head. "There are good things too, remember."

The corners of her mouth quirked up in a small smile as she turned to study his face. "How could I forget?"

"Move over," he said. He slid into the chair and she moved into his lap. For a time they simply sat there in silence, entwined in themselves, enjoying that singular comfort they could get nowhere else but in each other's arms.

x

Another stolen secret moment; and over all too soon. Lunch was ending and they both had things to do. James walked with her to the door, reminding her about the staff meeting that evening. She nodded and James leaned in to kiss her. She didn't turn away but she was colder and less enthused than usual. She stood there, stiff and uncomfortable. He thought at first it was something he did, then he realised her rigidness was simply because they were in the classroom. When he thought about it, he disliked it too.

He dragged her back into his office, threw the cloak over both of them and tried again. It was heartening how she then melted into him. It was hungry without urgency, desperate without anxiety. She sought to pull in as much of him _as_ she could _while_ she could. He didn't hold back.

"Go," he said hoarsely after a while. His voice was low and rough. "Take the cloak. I'll speak to HQ. Wait for me at yours. I'll come after my last lesson."

Lily nodded, breaking the contact of their foreheads. The cool fabric flowed over him the as she took reluctant steps away until it slipped off him entirely. He couldn't see her expression as she left, only the door open and close.

x

Rupert noticed how distracted Lily was during Charms. She took only half the notes she usually did and didn't even _try_ to perform the charm. It had happened before, but only recently. He wondered if the charms were getting too hard for her or if she merely grew too distracted for them.

By the looks of things there was much to distract her, he thought noticing her swollen lips. Clearly she had made better use of their lunch hour than he had. He heaved a disconsolate sigh. She still hadn't told him the truth. She had been his best friend for years and yet she didn't trust him enough to tell him the important things. It hurt every time he saw proof of it.

Why wouldn't anyone let him in on anything? He might still be a student but that didn't make him useless or incompetent. But people continued to insist on treating him like a little boy. It was so frustrating, and the more he seemed to try and struggle, the farther he was pushed back down.

Tonight there was a staff meeting scheduled which the Head students were to attend. Perhaps that would be his opportunity to prove that he was worthy of his position, that he could handle the responsibility and that he didn't just get it because he was the Head Girl's best friend. But how was he supposed to show that?

Lily was scrawling away next to him. It wasn't charms notes though; it was her own scrambling parchment. No one could read what she wrote on it but her. Not that that had ever stopped him from constantly looking over to try. He wondered if Potter could read it as well. She had so many of her own little personally developed devices and spells he could hardly keep track of all of them and their rules. Perhaps the Parchment was just for the owner, or for whomever the owner wanted to allow.

Class ended and Rupert waited as Lily gathered up her things. Professor Flitwick asked her to wait, as he usually did. The Charms Professor and the Charms Prodigy (for all her seeming recent disinterest in the subject) always had things to discuss after lessons that appeared to delight them both every time. Rupert didn't usually wait for her, seeing as Charms was their last lesson of the day and their discussions sometimes lasted a long while, but he waited that day. He wanted to talk to her before the staff meeting about what he wanted to do, and ask her how he should go about doing it. She had obviously done it somehow. She was accepted by the Headmaster and other teachers as an authority figure to be trusted with responsibilities. He desired to have that standing too. Perhaps he ought to sleep with a professor as well, then he might get somewhere.

Rupert sighed and shook his head, thoroughly ashamed of his own thoughts. Dumbledore made her Head Girl before she and Potter ever met, he reminded himself.

Rupert was brought out of his mental wanderings and back into the classroom when Lily flawlessly performed that day's charm for Flitwick. Correction, when Lily flawlessly performed that day's charm that she hadn't even _practiced_.

The tiny little wizard applauded, visibly delighted with her success but Lily didn't glow in suppressed pride as she usually did. She still had that distracted calculating look on her face that Roo could tell had nothing to do with charms.

Lily politely excused herself from the Charms classroom, saying she would like to stay and talk more but she had somewhere to be. Well, if she had something to do and couldn't make time for Flitwick, then she wouldn't be able to have time for him, Rupert reasoned. But he was pleasantly surprised to find his reasoning false. The moment they entered the hallway she grabbed his elbow and dragged him down the staircase, asking, "Do you have a minute?"

His common room being the closest refuge, they hurried themselves there, where they barricaded themselves in for a sort of conclave.

She wasted no time in getting to the point. It was a possibility that the students and teachers were in danger. The school and perhaps everyone else were vulnerable and without means of healing by potions, which was, needless to say, the method of remedy for nearly half of magical maladies and injuries. An uncomfortably large percentage.

"Of course I hope I'm wrong but..." she trailed off, not finishing her sentence.

Rupert, despite this alarming news, was pleased that at least he was in on it. "But we need to be prepared for the worst. Does the staff know?"

"They will be informed tonight. I've only told you and..."

"Potter, obviously," he finished for her. He saw her hesitate, knew that she wasn't going to tell him the truth, so to save her having to lie to him or feel awkward around him said, "Clearly the Auror should be first to know so he can quickly deal with the situation."

Lily nodded. "By now he will have asked someone at Headquarters to make inquiries at St. Mungo's."

"Will we have a response this evening?"

"Before the meeting? I don't know. I don't know who they'd send or how urgent they'd deem the situation. It might not be today at all."

"What? But this is important!"

"Important to us, yes. But there are many cases throughout Britain that are considered just as important to someone else. People are being killed, which might take priority to a few plants dying..."

"But... but how are we supposed to just sit here in the dark, not knowing, waiting to find out how deep in bicorn droppings we are?"

"We won't have that long to wait. If by after the meeting we still don't know, James will go himself I expect."

Rupert ignored the fact she had accidentally used Potter's first name, seeing as she clearly didn't even notice she had done it. "Why doesn't Potter just go now so he's guaranteed to get the information it in time for the meeting?"

"Because he has classes to teach," she said, a touch of ire in her voice. "Beside the fact that he works over 12 hours a day as it is, there are appropriate channels through which these things must be done. He is assigned to Hogwarts, and digging around St. Mungo's is outside his delegated area. He has to go through Headquarters to get permission to investigate someplace as sensitive and secure as a Wizarding Hospital. Of course, he _will _do it if he needs to but it would be simpler to ask the Auror in charge of that section to give him the relevant information."

Roo nodded, rebuked. He didn't understand law enforcement or its processes. Sometimes it seemed overly convoluted, other times it didn't seem to have any method at all.

x

The next half hour was spent in discussion about the situation and what to bring up at the staff meeting and how. Lily was glad to see how readily Rupert shouldered his new duty, Lily wondered if Roo might not have been the best man for the job to begin with. Granted, his marks hadn't been as high as the previous Head Boy's, but neither did he shirk from the challenge of responsibility.

When Lily returned to her own room for a bit of brewing and transfiguration practice she noted there was an owl waiting for her. Lily detached the missive from the bird's leg and he (she thought it was a he) hooted gratefully before hopping round on its perch and swooping out the window. She noted, with slight surprise, that the wax seal she broke open was Weyland's. She hadn't expected so prompt a reply, having only sent her owl on Saturday after listening to his programme.

_Dear Lily,_

_Thanks for the letter, and here I thought you wouldn't actually write. No doubt you were inspired by my marvellous reporting. Well even if you hadn't already written you would have once you got this letter, I'm sure._

_But before I get into all that let me say how good it was seeing you the other night at Slughorn's. Are you really seeing Sirius Black? Somehow he doesn't seem your type._

_I often wondered what it would have been like to be with you, but I know I should find someone of my own kind. You know, meet, fall in love, get married and (not) grow old together... There is a woman in my group. She's a century older than I am and has absolutely no sense of humour. I took her out after work Saturday night._

_Just for you._

_Normally I wouldn't have but she said something that intrigued me (on your behalf.) Zarah is a new member of PVA. It's always harder in the beginning, She's originally from Albania, and like most of our kind before they join, well... you know. You've heard enough of my own stories to know what pre-PVA life is like. Probably one of the few who truly do._

_New members always have to do a sort of confession. I did it. We all did it. I've heard loads of these stories and they all sound pretty much the same. "I used to eat people."_

_Except hers wasn't like that. Well, it was like that but it had more. She confessed to serving You-Know-Who. What are the chances that the day after we talk that kind of scoop falls right in my lap? You are a lucky girl, Miss Evans. Don't you forget it._

_Anyway, when we went out after the meeting I asked how she had helped You-Know-Who and she replied she didn't exactly know. The Dark Lord said he wanted to help her, and had a gift for her. A man. Just a man. He told her to eat. She did and the Dark Lord watched her the whole time. Just stood there as she sucked the life from him. The sun rose before she could leave. She woke up at dusk and felt strange, but well enough. Again, the Dark Lord gave her another one to consume. She shouldn't have been so hungry so soon after she had consumed so much the night before but somehow she was famished. She suspects the Dark Lord bled her in her sleep._

_Like the last time, the Dark Lord watched her feast, more interestedly than before. It started to bother her. I understand that. I mean, yes, some vampires like it when people watch but I find it just awkward._

_She stopped but he insisted she continue. He said he wanted to see how to suck life from people. I'm not sure what that means, and neither was she. It seems pretty straight forward, right? She said as much to the Dark Lord. Simply cut, let bleed, and drink. That's all there is to it. Obviously, being vampires, we are cursed already, so no harm done, no ill effects from drinking blood._

_He didn't like this answer and lashed out at her. She says she doesn't remember what he did, but it was pain beyond anything she had ever felt before. Even more than turning. She twitched even as she spoke, the memory was that bad._

_She said the Dark Lord shouted insults at her, chided her for her stupidity and simplicity, saying things like, "You think it's blood that gives you life?" and "Anyone so weak minded is unworthy of immortality."_

_She cried out for him to stop. She said, as I would have, that vampires aren't exactly immortal. Just because we can forever live doesn't mean we can never die. This seemed to infuriate him even more. She didn't remember what happened after that._

_Next evening at dusk when she woke up again she felt terrible. She knew she had been drained this time and the Dark Lord told her yet again to eat._

_Only that night he provided her with the corpse of a girl. Long dead. She refused to feed. I don't blame her. She was muggleborn before she turned so she really isn't as accustomed to magic, but from what she described, it sounds as if she was Imperiused to eat (because one can't exactly **drink** blood that's already frozen in the vein.) Of course it made her sick and didn't satiate her at all. We don't eat the dead, for all that we are half dead ourselves. She begged him for live blood. For three nights running she begged for live blood, growing weaker and weaker on the rot she was given, always waking up feeling odd at whatever it was he had done to her in the day when she was asleep. She still doesn't know._

_The next night he gave her a baby (alive and crying) which she fell on with ravenous force. The Dark Lord then thanked her and turned her free, dizzied and confused, but free. He said he was letting her live because he was a generous man who rewards those who help him. She didn't know what she had done that had helped him but she didn't ask questions, she left immediately and hid out in Albania for a few weeks._

_She had her own child once, back in her homeland before she turned. The vampire that turned her killed the little one. She had never eaten a babe before, not in all her 150 of vampiricy, but she was so mad with thirst for live blood she devoured it when it was given to her. She said that that was the pivot point, what made her come to PVA when she finally returned to Britain. They don't have these kinds of organisations where she's from, she said._

_The conversation moved on to more normal things, (normal for us, that is) and she didn't mention You-Know-Who again. I confess I'm just as confused as she was. Perhaps your lot knows things I don't and can make sense of it. Of course, I'd ask you keep my name out of it if you can. I don't know if this information is worth anything to you but I certainly hope it helps. And if it's not too much of a favour, if you find out what any of that means let me know. I know it will probably be top secret and what not, but I confess that, being what I am, I am unbearably intrigued as to what all that could have meant._

_Well, it is now almost dawn so I will send this off. Perhaps you will get it before my show tonight. How I hate waking up early on Mondays._

_Forever yours,_

_Weyland Euphrates_

Lily sat staring at the page for several minutes, struck dumb by it all. As it sunk in she felt somehow very much alone. She wished someone were there with her for she was very much afraid.

Voldemort had somehow figured out the secrets of vampiric immortality without actually turning. Lily knew this as surely as she knew her own name. That happy high, that rush when Voldemort's stone touched her skin reminded her of how Weyland described what feasting was like.

An exhilarating intake of life. Voldemort had separated life from blood, something Weyland and his kind didn't or couldn't do. Vampires were special. Something about their nature allowed them to suck out lifeblood from their victims and transfer it to themselves. What was it about vampires that allowed them to do this? Evidently it is something of which they themselves aren't even aware. It was as Voldemort said, it couldn't be just the blood that kept them going. It was more than just simple food. Humans could continue nourishing themselves but they still perished after a time. They could even drink blood but they still wouldn't be immortal. But vampires, for as long as they drank blood, could continue living. Or perhaps 'existing' would be a more appropriate word for the undead. Normal humans could not absorb life just by drinking blood, so how did vampires?

The very question Voldemort had asked and apparently answered.

How did they do it? They sucked out just the life, leaving the soul in tact. And vampires themselves, despite all the media hype and disinformation put about, had souls as well. But just like human ones, they were corruptible and it was possible to destroy it through evil. Perhaps their nature made them more prone to it.

Dementors, conversely, left the life and blood and sucked out _only_ the soul. How they managed to do that was a question equally beyond her.

Perhaps that inherent darkness gave them their capability. Perhaps dementors could suck out souls because they had none of their own. Similarly, vampires could take life because, in a way, they had none. But what did that mean for Voldemort? Voldemort sucked out the life, left the blood, and... what about the soul?

She had no idea.

She had relived flashes of Tom's past, did that mean the stone absorbed the soul as well or simply the memory? If the former, that would mean that Voldemort was without his soul _and_ life. That seemed hardly possible to be able to function without either of them. Then again, a great many things seem impossible until they are actually done. Things were bound to be strange where dark beings were concerned.

But it still didn't make sense, she thought to herself. If vampires take life because they aren't alive, and dementors take souls because they are soulless, and Voldemort took both because he lacks both, then how had _she_, a living person soul intact, absorbed life, and possibly part of a soul as well?

Well that put paid to her theory.

Or did it? Technically it was the stone, both lifeless and soulless that took in poor Tom.

Lily became very confused and angry at all these questions firing off in her brain, left unanswered to ricochet around in her head. She growled aloud and punched a seat cushion in frustration.

And here, stupid girl that she had been had thought it was only blood they drank. How could she have not seen it before? She of all people! She who had done so much blood studies already had failed to miss something so enormous, something that was now so obvious.

She needed to know. Perhaps if she could meet this woman -- no, Zarah probably wouldn't agree to that. But she wouldn't even have to meet Zarah, just see the memory. Then she might see what Voldemort had done to her, might overhear some spell, or learn something, anything. She would ask Weyland as soon as Ebony came back from Hagrid's.

Until then she rocked in her seat, thinking about what made life. What made blood its conduit? What else did blood do? The question was impossibly broad. There were hundreds of uses for blood. She brainstormed aloud. "Love-blood, life-blood, family-blood, willing-blood, unwilling-blood, sacrificial-blood, poisoned-blood, pure-blood..." She paused. "_Mudblood_."

Yet another issue to worry about. There seemed too many big problems in the world for her tiny mind to grasp, let alone solve.

"No!" she told herself. She wouldn't get discouraged. "Keep thinking."

She went back to her rocking in her seat. "_I_'m alive, so I should know this!" she said angrily, pulling at her hair. The answer, for all its profound obscurity, seemed to be just there, right there in her mind somewhere and if she only knew in which direction to reach she could just pluck it out of the darkness. "It should be obvious! Life! Think, Lily, think!"

She was grateful when James came in and she could switch her mind to other things for a time.

x

James entered through the portrait hole and heaved a sigh of relief. It had taken ages to get in without the cloak; at this time of day someone or other was always walking by. What he wouldn't give for another invisibility cloak to have at his disposal.

"Hey love," he said as he entered. She immediately rose from her seat and moved to the couch were they could both sit together. "How are you? You look a bit..." He didn't finish the statement, not able to think of a flattering way to say 'frazzled.'

"I have a lot on my mind. So, what word from headquarters?"

She reclined against him and he untucked her shirt so he could slide his hands underneath it, resting them on her warm stomach.

"Your hands are cold," she said, not in complaint but worry, for she placed her own hands on top his him to warm them further.

"It's a long cold walk from Hogsmeade. I came directly to you, thought you should know."

"Go on."

"You were right to worry. But while almost all other medical greenhouses in the country have been tampered with, St. Mungo's is still intact. They said there was an attempt several days ago, but you know what the security measures are like. The attack failed. I told them to be on their guard for another attempt."

"Well that's only slightly relieving."

"But it means that you were right about the plan. Just because it didn't go through at St. Mungo's doesn't mean the rest of us aren't up to our ears. St. Mungo's is overcrowded as it is, and the staff overworked. They barely make enough supplies to treat those they have; we can't expect any help from them. We, and just about everyone else not in London are without medical potions for the time being."

"Why didn't anyone mention the attempted break-in sooner?"

James growled slightly, discontented at the unhappy truth. "We are afraid to share information with each other because we don't know who among us we can no longer trust. It's terrible; we are being as compartmentalised as the Death Eaters."

"But without all the information how are you supposed to recognise patterns?"

"You see the problem. I'm seeing Moody later to discuss it. Perhaps Frank or Alice can move to St. Mungo's. I know they are more duellists than detectives, but at least we can trust them."

He felt Lily sigh. "So what do we do?"

"Which 'we' are you referring to?"

"Hogwarts. Will we alter the curriculum? How can we conduct Potion's lessons? What about your lesson for Thursday? If the Hospital Wing is in such low stock, then perhaps we ought to postpone your practical lesson. In all likelihood people will get hurt, and we aren't best equipped to heal them."

"Curses have counter-curses that are performed by wands. Madame Pomfrey can still heal in that capacity."

"But let's say, for example, that someone throws a cutting curse, and their opponent loses a lot of blood. The wound may be healed with wand work but we don't have the resources to replenish the blood."

"Well curriculum is something the staff will have to decide on as a group tonight."

Lily turned around to bury her face in his chest. His hands, now warm, came up and wrapped around her shoulders. "I'm not looking forward to this meeting."

"Why is that? Because once again you'll be the centre of attention?"

"Why would I be the centre of attention?"

"Because," James said simply with a shrug. "This is practically your case. You were the one who was attacked; you were the one who noticed the link between the Hogwarts greenhouses with Pomfrey's potions. You were the one who noticed the same thing happening elsewhere."

"But you are the Auror in charge, you know everything, you can tell them."

"And pass off your ideas as my own?"

"What does it matter who gets credit for what so long as the information gets out there? Besides, I'm keeping a low profile, remember? Let people forget about the annoying little know-it-all Head Girl and let the handsome young Auror take credit for this one. He deserves it." She kissed his chin and he chuckled.

"You are an annoying little know-it-all," he agreed.

"So are you."

"Mmhmm, and what else am I according to you? Let's see if I can remember... A bastard," he said, ticking off the names on his fingers. "An arrogant fool, a condescending wanker, and of course the one that started it all, a useless, good-for-nothing know-it-all."

"You called me some pretty nasty things as well. A bloody girl, a complacent ingrate, an arrogant wretch, and what else, what else, what else? Ah yes... a _bitch_."

Despite the playful smile on her lips James still felt slightly ashamed of those things he had said and done that night. It seemed to long ago, their duel in the forest. He had been so frustrated he had indeed said some terrible things. But thinking about that little duel reminded him of how it had ended. Before now he had never mentioned it because it had been inappropriate. Now it seemed safe enough to ask a question that had tormented him at the time.

"What would have happened if Hagrid hadn't interrupted us that night?"

"I would have won, eventually," she said confidently. James knew she had understood his real question but was avoiding it. She was blushing beautifully.

"Is that so?" he asked, a playful scheme forming in his head that he knew would embarrass her more. He rolled them both off the couch so that they landed on the carpet and he pinned her to the ground. "Remember this?"

She struggled slightly now as she had then. James pressed down on her harder in the same way as well. She stilled. "Alright Miss Evans, here we are again. What would have happened next?"

She looked away. "We don't have time for this."

"We have plenty of time, Evans."

"Stop calling me that."

"I'll call you whatever I please. So what happens next?"

"You get off of me and we go to the meeting."

"An hour early?" he asked mockingly. She was being slightly more stubborn than he had expected so he cheated slightly. He kissed her neck as he pulled out his wand. When he looked at her next he could tell she was breaking. He gently put his wand tip to her neck where he had kissed it. She didn't do anything, although she could have.

"You didn't have your wand at this point last time," she stated, omitting the fact that he also hadn't kissed her neck either.

"And your hair was down," he added. The pins keeping her hair up were magically removed before he put his wand aside. "What else?"

"You had a small amount of blood on your lip."

"Upper or lower."

"Lower. Just at the corner." James was pleased to see that see recalled the incident just as clearly as he.

"So we were here. Then what? Tell me the truth."

"The truth?"

"I know you don't like it but give it to me just this once," he said teasingly. Obviously by now he could recognise the signs. He wondered what he would have done then if he had known that that was what an aroused Lily looked like.

"The truth is..." She paused and he could tell she was truly considering it. After a moment she sighed and turned her head away and whispered ashamedly, "I would have done anything you wanted."

"Really?" he asked earnestly. He had wanted that answer, but not that shamed expression.

"I'm not proud to admit it, but there it is. What would _you_ have done?"

He knew very well what he had wanted to do at the time, but he wasn't sure if he would have actually gone through with it. If it really had been up to him what would have happened? Here they were, exactly as they had been two months previously. Would he have done it?

He looked her up and down with the eyes he had had in the past. Her Head Girl badge glinted on her robes and her school uniform was disarranged. This was all wrong. He would have just been taking advantage of an innocent girl who didn't know what she was doing. And yet he still might have because he had wanted her so badly.

He would have ruined everything. It would have been amazing that night and the next day it would have been terribly awkward because they hadn't been able to control themselves. Their relationship might have developed after that, but then it would have been built on the wrong thing. For the first time in his life he was heartily glad he had been flung into a tree by a raging half-giant.

He rolled off her and threw an arm over his eyes. "Oh I'm a terrible person. I truly am a pervert, aren't I?"

"What?"

"If I had done what I had wanted to do, I would be just another pervert professor."

"You wouldn't have. If Hagrid hadn't come you would have rolled off, picked me up, and taken me back to the castle."

"You don't know that."

"I know you. And if you can stop yourself now, when you _know_ I want you, then you certainly would have then as well."

"Hmm." He could acknowledge this point to be fair, but that didn't mean it would win the argument. He still wasn't convinced.

"James, you could have gone for it countless times both before and after that and you didn't. You kissed me _once_ and I was half dead in St. Mungo's. Is that something a man would do if he was only thinking about sex?"

"I suppose not." She was embarrassingly spot-on. "But I still caved in the end..." he said.

"Ask yourself why."

"Well I suppose-"

"Not aloud," she said cutting him off. He thought about it and thought he knew why she had told him to keep it to himself; she didn't like verbal sentimentality and it embarrassed her to admit it only happened when he found out she loved him too. They had only slept together because it _wasn't_ about sex.

His facial expression must have shown Lily that he had worked it out, for she said, "See?" She turned his chin with her finger to make him look at her. She looked lovely, hair splayed across the carpet like that, her eyes determinedly set on him. He liked being her object of her gaze. So lovely. Just so lovely.

"I love you."

She put a finger to his lips. "Shh... no more talking."

x

"James?"

"Hmm?" He was twirling her hair between his fingers. The world needed more redheads.

"What _makes_ life?"

"Unless you were asleep for the last 20 minutes, which I highly doubt you were, then you should have a good enough idea of the process."

"Not _engendering_ it. I mean sustaining it. And I'm not just talking about eating your vegetables and doing exercise. I mean, what makes life, _life_?"

"I'm not sure I follow."

"If one thing is dead, and something else is living, how are they different?"

"Is this a trick question?"

"No."

"Simply put, the lungs don't pump, the heart doesn't beat, the blood doesn't flow."

"There has to be something else. So it's not the lungs, heart and blood, it's the pumping, beating and flowing. But how can one harness that pumping, beating, or flowing? How can one take that pulse? That energy?"

"What _are_ you on about?"

"I'm trying to sort something out. How does one take life?"

"Is _this_ a trick question?"

"No."

"You know as well as I do there are a number of ways to kill someone."

"I'm not talking about _killing_; I'm talking about taking life. You and I have both ended someone's life, but we never _took_ it."

"Now you really have lost me."

"When one person kills another person, where does the life go if it isn't taken by someone else?"

"It doesn't go anywhere, it just ends."

"But when someone takes a life..."

"To take a life is just an expression. It just means killing."

"This is going to take much more time than I thought," she said getting up to dress. "What are you doing tonight after dinner?"

"Depends on how the staff meeting goes tonight. I'll see to any suggestions they might have. I'll have to report to Moody and hope he has nothing extra for me to do, then I have DADA stuff to plan."

"Tell Moody I'd like to talk to him."

"What about?"

"Same thing we talked about on Sunday. There are several things I hadn't considered before that needs mentioning."

"Will do."

"EBT?" (Estimated Bed Time)

"No telling on a day like today. Probably be at my desk past midnight."

"You can work here if you like."

"I know but all my secure files are in my office as well as all my books and things for lecture planning. You don't have to wait up."

"I'd like to talk to you before I talk to Moody and Dumbledore again. You aren't even dressed."

"I'm getting that way," he said, grabbing the nearest article of clothing. "Tomorrow breakfast? No, wait. I'll want to sleep in. Lunch?"

"Deal." She began to put the pins back in her hair to keep it up but James stopped her.

"Leave it down."

"I'm warning you now, you might not like it..."

"I love it."

"Not the hair; what I have to talk about."

"Oh. No you are right, I probably won't. You never want to talk about the good things." He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her from behind to let her know that 'good things' meant 'sentimental things'. "Just work-business-work all the time."

"You know that's not true, unless you were asleep for the last 20 minutes, which I highly doubt you were."

He chuckled and rumpled her hair. "I could argue that that wasn't a discussion, but I won't for lack of time. All set, Red?"

"Belt."

"You weren't wearing one."

"_Your_ belt."

"Ah, yes, thank you dear," he said looking around for it.

"You go ahead under the cloak. Roo will be by in a minute to come get me."

"Where is it?"

She tossed it to him just as a knock sounded.

"That was cutting it close," James said. What if he had come two minutes earlier?

"See you down there," she said, and disappeared out the portrait hole.

x

In the chamber off behind the Head Table in the Great Hall, all the teachers gathered, chatted, and took their time finding their seats. To them this was just another staff meeting. If they had any idea about what they would be discussing, their tones of voices, faces and remarks wouldn't have been so flippant. The two Head Students were there as well, feeling smaller and less important, standing far in the back not only out of desire but of necessity as well. A great crowd of loud voices was bad for Lily's ears.

James entered a minute after she did. Lily noticed that she wasn't the only one to follow him with her eyes as he crossed the room to stand next to Professor Sprout. The atmosphere changed when he came in, and not just in Lily's personal perception for her own private reasons, but to the whole room. Even though Lily and Rupert were only students, they still belonged, as the long-standing tradition of the Head Boy and Girl. James, however, was regarded now as only half a teacher. Even though he taught more lessons than the Arithmancy, Ancient Runes, Muggle Studies, or any other elective professors, the fact that he was firstly an Auror was obviously the uppermost thought in everyone's minds. Lily recalled the staff meetings of September and October. They had treated him as one of their own. A new member, just as she had been, but still a member. Lily was trying to discern whether or not this alter in the atmosphere was a positive or a negative one. Did they appreciate or resent the Ministry taking such a direct approach in their interest in Hogwarts, especially after they had only been told the truth of his profession when they were already several months into the term.

Lily never liked the Muggle Studies teacher. The 35-year-old witch didn't dislike Lily any less. This wasn't a newfound dislike, even though the way the older woman stared at James' behind might have been incentive enough. She and Lily had been at odds with one another since Lily was just a girl in third year. At the time she thought it would be interesting to take muggle studies to find what magical kind were taught about muggle kind. Professor Darlene Dippet, relative of a former Headmaster (which might explain how she came to be appointed to the post) had magical parentage. Her only claim to living a muggle life was time she spent one summer 'roughing it' with a Squib and her non magical family, learning what it was like to get by without magic.

Lily couldn't stand the woman's haughty demeanour. Her lessons were all about comparing Muggle life to magical life, and with each example showing how magical life was superior. The worst thing about it was that the woman genuinely considered herself to be for muggle rights. She thought she was so charitable for spending her time among the lowly.

Lily had lasted only three lessons before she had dropped the class. Perhaps 'dropped the class' is too polite an expression. Dippet had been so infuriated when Lily kept correcting her in class that she suggested in no uncertain terms, that a muggleborn really had no need to be in the class and had an unfair advantage over the others students. Lily had replied that students of magical parentage had the advantage over muggleborns in every other subject, so what why should she have to leave? It was the first and only detention Lily ever received before Prof. James Potter showed up in her 7th year.

She observed Rupert out of the corner of her eye. To this day he still took Muggle Studies. Because he wanted to understand better, he had said. Even if the professor was insufferable, he stuck with the subject. Lily confessed that even if she thought Dippet was an incompetent and unknowing supremacist, he did learn a lot from the course. She was so touched by his interest in her culture that she never grumbled when he came to her for help with his assignments. She suspected he knew this weakness and took advantage of her, but she didn't mind.

All Dumbledore had to do was clear his throat and the room fell silent and all heads turned toward him. Lily longed for that kind of respect. '_Don't get your hopes up,_' she told herself. Who would ever respect a Mudblood.

Dumbledore greeted them all with his usual good grace before giving James the floor. Since none of this information was new to her she took a few steps to the side to observe the expressions on everyone's faces as they listened to him. She felt proud that he also had achieved a certain level of respect. Proud and slightly jealous.

It was obvious by the heads that turned in Lily's direction who had already heard the news of the mandrake attack. Their gazes didn't stay on her long.

"What else," James said more to himself than anything. Whether it was accidental or automatic he looked to her for a cue. Since she had returned to her place in the back, no one saw her mouth the word "_Mungo's_."

James shook his head at that. Apparently he wasn't allowed to speak about that attempted break in. '_Curriculum_,' she mouthed again, and he nodded and carried on.

"Obviously this affects ill and injured students and staff but an important thing to consider would be a change in curriculum to all those subjects necessarily attached to the greenhouses. Obviously, Herbology is at a loss, but so are Potions and Defence Against the Dark Arts, in a tertiary way, considering there is often the need for healing among the higher years."

"I'm concerned about how long the Potions department can last without resupplying," said Slughorn.

"But should the ingredients left be used to make healing potions instead of for class work?" asked Professor Flitwick, seemingly on Madame Pomfrey's behalf.

"Some have a short shelf life and might go off before they are even used. Then they would have been wasted when they could have been used in class. I say we carry on with lessons until the store runs out," said Professor Slughorn.

"And what if someone _does _need brewed healing. Do we leave them to stay ill or injured so that some first years can blow up their cauldrons?" asked Professor Sprout. It was clear that she had been of this opinion for some time, but could only just now voice it. Of course, an ardent herbologist would find it a waste that so many ingredients she had worked hard to procure would only end up a failed experiment in the charred bottom of some poor student's standard sized number 2.

"Perhaps," Lily began loudly. She hadn't wanted to draw attention to herself but it looked as if she were going to anyway. People turned in their seats and their heads swivelled round to look at her. At least it was quiet again, her eardrums felt sorely beaten on. She carried on a bit nervously. "Perhaps Professor Slughorn could alter his lesson plan slightly so that we achieve both? Have the students brew what healing potions can be made from the remaining ingredients... so both the Potions students and the hospital wing can take advantage of the same dwindling supplies." No response. "Perhaps the first and seconds years can watch the professor do it himself, so that we take no chances of losing ingredients..." Silence followed so she awkwardly went on, this time addressing the Potion's master himself. She too had been wanting to say this for a long time, and only now had an excuse to say it. "Perhaps, sir, you could spend a bit more time on theory. I've often felt that the main reason why students find Potions so difficult is because they only focus on the sometimes complicated brewing instructions, and not on the underlying reason of _why_ they are adding what when and how."

James smirked at her but she didn't respond. Someone was whispering and her heightened ears picked up on it. "Thinks she knows everything. Well what does she really know about wizarding society and the whole situation? Typical narrow-minded Head Girl, only thinking of how to look better in front of the Headmaster." Lily looked over at Dippet, who was whispering to the Arithmancy professor. How a magically brought up witch who taught _Muggle Studies _could criticise a muggleborn for not understanding wizarding society was so unfairly hypocritical. The statement stung but she continued on. In fact, she thought she might have done it intentionally to annoy her.

"And perhaps the Herbology lessons could be shifted from inside the greenhouses to outside. Although it is winter, several herbs still grow in the forest, and the freshwater plants in the lake have no season."

This time she watched and waited for Dippet's reaction. "She's looking at me now, probably because I'm not the only one fawning over her. Well if she's waiting for me to be impressed she'll be standing there all night, make no mistake."

"I'm looking at you, Professor Dippet," Lily said over all the other chatter, "because I can hear every word you say. If you want to share your valuable insights you'll have to speak a little louder so that everyone can hear you."

Lily knew she was being disrespectful and that this was exactly the type of behaviour that earned one detention but she found she didn't care. She wouldn't dare give Lily detention in front of everyone for what would seem to be no reason. Instead, Dippet said, "I was only saying that there is a grander situation here. There is more to it then just playing nicely and sharing ingredients. There is more that needs to be taken into consideration. You forget that a student was nearly _killed_. And this is a problem not only for Hogwarts but for all of wizarding society. Not everything is about the here and now, but you'll learn that as you grow older." She looked smug and condescending. Or perhaps Lily was just imagining the oblique insult because she was oversensitive on the subject.

Someone chuckled darkly and Lily wasn't the only one to look at Professor Sprout.

"What?" Dippet asked, thinking, and thinking correctly, that she was the cause of the laugher.

"It was Miss Evans herself that was attacked, Darlene. I doubt she has forgotten _that_ so soon." Lily couldn't help but grin thankfully at Professor Sprout.

"And in fact it was Lily who noticed the pattern to begin with, who searched out other apothecaries beyond Hogwarts to get all the information you've heard today," Rupert defended.

Lily half glared, half grinned at him. He was defending her but also putting her in the spotlight where she didn't want to be. Dippet looked sceptical and turned to James and gave him a look that said, "please correct this delusional little boy in the most patronising way you can.'

"Quite right. Thank you, Miss Evans on behalf of the staff of both Hogwarts and magical law enforcement for your astuteness."

Lily nodded stiffly, feeling more uncomfortable by the moment as people's eyes studied and considered her. Several people's expressions were undiluted in their pride. Rupert, Sprout, McGonagall, Slughorn, and Flitwick for starters. Professionalism didn't allow James to show anything less than professional and Dumbledore seemed proud, but all together more concerned with more important things.

"Professor Dumbledore?" she entreated. If the Headmaster spoke it would bring everyone's attention back to where it should be: the situation at hand. The old man nodded, perhaps in understanding of her ploy or perhaps he was simply marshalling his thoughts.

"It seems for now an inventory of the remaining ingredients in the storerooms and greenhouses should be made and catalogued. The professors involved will discuss how to allot what is left. New lesson plans can be discussed and I will ask all of you, especially the heads of houses, to urge your students to be very careful. The rules against magic done outside of class and not for academic purposes should be more harshly enforced. When we are beset by outside threats, it is ever more important to control inside hazards.

"Now, I believe it is dinner time and the students must be wondering what can we all be."

Everyone remained in the Great Hall, save Lily who left as quickly as possible, trying not to put her hands over her ears to block out the painful racquet.

Lily turned on the wireless when she got back to her room, and then glanced at the clock, confused. It was Weyland's time frame but it wasn't Weyland speaking.

"This is special guest reporter, Bernard Bunt. It's been an exciting evening as the WWN and magical law enforcement was given a frightening tip off. Weyland Euphrates, host on this programme for several years now was discovered to be a vampire, and suspected to be the one responsible for the recent string of vampiric crimes in the Southampton area.

"Euphrates was cornered early in the afternoon while he was still asleep and his flat thoroughly searched. A sack of blood was found, but Britain's only bloodbank in London confirmed that it was not a donation of theirs. A search is still being carried out for the body of what might be his most recent victim.

"It was said that Euphrates was using his show to spread propaganda, giving false information about You-Know-Who and the Ministry."

Lily sat staring at the wireless in disbelief as the man speaking discredited everything Weyland, and therefore the Order, had ever said. All the good they had done, all the information they had managed to get out to the public, gone. Credibility, destroyed. And all because they found out Weyland was a vampire. That was the only real information they had. All their other charges were trumped up, played out by using noncommittal phrases like 'it is suspected' and 'it was said.'

Lily rose to her feet. She had to do something to clear his name. Where were they holding him? Azkaban no doubt. Lily didn't like the idea of going back to Azkaban but she liked the idea of poor Weyland unjustly put there even less. She would set off tonight. As soon as she told James and Dumbledore what happened.

"We are glad to report that the dangerous vampire was exterminated by a trained team of hunters and Euphrates was unable to hurt anyone in the process. Many people in this very station confess they never suspected a thing, but agreed that it was a very shocking development and they are glad to be rid of a danger they didn't even know was lurking among them. If you know or suspect anyone of vampiricy, Floo number 7 Hinks lane. A team of professionals stands ready 23 ½ hours a day to help and protect you. This special bulletin brought to you by _PAX_, making the wizarding world a safer place. This is Bernard Bunt, special guest reporter for WWN 3 signing off."

...

...

Exterminated.

...

...

_Exterminated? _

...

...

Lily didn't even hear whatever noise came out next, her head was buzzing with one word.

Exterminated.

Weyland was gone. Murdered. He was exterminated. Like some annoying insect or rabid animal.

He was one of the only people, if not the only one, Lily never felt she had to worry about. She had thought him indestructible. She knew there were ways to kill vampires but no one knew about him, she didn't think she had to worry about it. He was so strong, so smart, so powerful a being. And now he was gone.

Who had told? Lily asked herself furiously. Someone betrayed him, he was too careful a man to slip up and reveal himself. Someone in the PVA who wanted him dead? She touched the letter which was still in her breast pocket. He was alive just this morning. The last thing he did was write her this letter before he went to sleep for the day, never to wake up again. _'I hope you were having a good dream, at least,'_ she thought sadly as she drew her fingers over the length of the letter. A feeble hope, considering its content.

She stood suddenly. His last waking moments were to give her this information and she was going to make certain it didn't go to waste.

Lily burst into Dumbledore's office, out of breath and face smudged with hastily wiped away tears. Now wasn't the time to break down. She had important things to say and she would say them. James was there as she expected, but so was Moody. Good, he would want to hear this too.

"You've heard," James said going instantly to her and putting his hands on her shoulders.

"It's not true," she told them. "He didn't, he wouldn't."

"I'm afraid it is. It's confirmed, he really was a vampire, I'm sorry."

Lily shook her head, throwing this unimportant statement aside. "He was a dedicated PVA member for years! This was just to discredit him and his reports! He was loyal to the Order, believe me."

"Well he didn't have certified donated blood. He must have got it from somewhere."

"It was my blood! I gave it to him Friday, Poppy the house elf can confirm that!"

"Clearing his name isn't worth muddying your own," said Moody, who seemed to accept her story rather more quickly than she expected.

"Worse than it already is?"

James joined in. "Actually admit to helping a vampire and people will think you a..."

"Who cares what people think, I hate people!" she cried. "The stupid masses believe whatever they're told. Cowards all of them with unoccupied heads and hearts full of fear!"

"And you'd do anything to keep them safe," James said softly in her ear, calming her.

She nodded and sniffled. "I didn't mean it," she admitted apologetically. "But I've been a goblin-ware smuggling murderess before; I can stand to be a vampire lover."

"You really want the SCDDHB after you? If people think you've been cooperating with a propaganda spreading vampire then everything you've told Witch Weekly will be worth nothing. No one will ever believe or trust anything you say again. Evidence you give to the Ministry, should it ever come to it, would be tainted by vampire association. Do you want that?"

"If you had a friend who was a werewolf, and he was exposed for committing a whole bunch of crimes he didn't actually commit would you turn your back on him to save your own reputation?" She was using Remus to take a direct stab at James' heart, at least that way he'd understand what she was feeling.

"Lily..."

"What?"

She could tell by his face that she had struck a nerve. She knew that had it _actually_ been Remus he would have done the same thing she was doing now, but it wasn't Remus, so it was easier for him to be objective. "This is different. If he were alive, yes, his life might be fighting for." Her eyes flashed threateningly. "_Would_ be worth fighting for but he's already fallen, and the only thing that will come of this will be going down with him. You can do more good to him and the cause by not getting involved. Go to bed, rest. There is nothing that can be done."

She stepped to the side and around him so she could directly address the two older men. "I wasn't supposed to mention it, but now that everyone knows what he was I suppose it doesn't matter. He wanted this information to go to good use."

She told them about Voldemort's experiment on Zarah, what it must mean about the stone. She spoke and spoke, recounting everything, asking all the questions she had posed to herself earlier that day about vampires, life, dementors, souls, and Voldemort and that damned stone. Her throat gave out before her mind did and the room fell into silence. The implications were dire and none of the three men moved to speak.

Her mind was overflowing with so many ideas and questions that demanded answering that she physically couldn't give way to grief. What she wouldn't give to have Weyland with her now. She could ask him questions, he never kept details of his vampiricy from her. He would have helped her and the Order with this mystery. He would have volunteered to let the Order find out the secret to immortality using him. But he was gone now and she would never be certain why.

Was it because he was reading reports for the order and so he had been silenced by the Dark Lord? If so it was her fault for bringing him in and using him like that. But that had been his third or fourth report, why hadn't they done it sooner? Unless they found out that Zarah had talked.

They needed to find Zarah. If she were alive and not under the power of Voldemort she could help them find out just what the Dark lLrd had done to her. If she was dead, it would be a confirmation that both she and Weyland had been silenced for the same reason. But it would be impossible to know how to find her. Weyland had been a public figure, so his name and whereabouts were known. It would be near impossible to find a vampire she didn't even know. Zarah probably wasn't even her real name. Weyland said that they all give pseudonyms to protect their anonymity. So people couldn't find out who they were and hunt them down...

James opened his mouth to ask her something but she interrupted. "I have no idea how to contact her. He only mentioned her name and I'm certain it's an alias anyway. We have no idea of finding out how Voldemort learned how to steal life. I don't know any vampires personally, anymore. I have nothing but ignorance."

She had her whole magical life fought against ignorance. As a child in Spinner's End she used to flip over the stones in the garden, just to see what she may find underneath. Now she seemed to be standing in a field of stones. She kept turning them over and turning then over, only to find that under each and every one lay an entirely new field of unturned stones. There was too much knowledge in the world and she had no chance of obtaining it all. She should just become a hermit and live in a cave where knowledge served no point.

Come to think of it, that's what most people did. They secluded themselves in their own little world, be it in reality or make-believe, and didn't come out, didn't bother asking questions. It was simpler that way, just believing what you want and ignoring the rest. In time you grow so good at it you don't even have to try to ignore things, it just comes naturally. You can run away without taking a step. Running away from knowledge was probably the easiest retreat one could make.

'Unless you have such a damned curious mind that never rests and won't let you either,' she complained to herself. Tempting as it may be she couldn't ignore. She would spend the rest of her days flipping over stones, trying to reach as close to infinity as she could.

"I think I will leave now," she said, finally starting to choke on the suppressed tears. "If you don't mind, I think I need to go to the Astronomy tower for a bit."

James looked to the other men, who nodded before looking back at her with a sad smile. He cupped her face with his hand. "Ok, baby."

x

She didn't remember falling asleep, or even curling up on the ground to rest her eyes. She must have passed out before she could cast a warming charm about her. She was sore all over when she awoke, not in the tower but in James' bed. Her whole body was stiff, her throat was in agony and her neck ached just moving it. Not that she had any desire to move it or anything else. She wanted to stay curled up in bed for a week. It all seemed to suddenly catch up with her. Too much. It was all too much to deal with at once and yet problems didn't patiently stand in a queue, waiting for you to solve one before moving on to the next one. They bombarded all at once.

She looked at the clock. Three in the morning. She knew James was still at his desk, the candlelight from his office flooded in through the open bedroom door and his quill was ever scratching. Apparently paperwork assaulted like problems, accumulating whether you were ready or not.

She heard him yawn, but continue working. She lumbered painfully out of bed and padded into his office. He was bent over his parchment, scribbling away. She combed her fingers through his hair and he moaned slightly and leaned against her, putting down his quill for what must have been the first time in three hours. She hugged his head to her stomach.

"Want some tea or cocoa?" she croaked.

"Mmmm" he mumbled.

"I'll go get some."

"Stay. Poppy can get it."

"She might be sleeping. I'll get one of the waking elves to do it. Besides, I need something to do."

"Cloak."

"I know."

"Come back soon."

"I will."

She went as quickly as possible, James' overly large slippers not really impeding her stride. She was almost there before she realised he had changed her into pyjamas. Thoughts of Weyland filled her head as she went about her task. She brought both tea and cocoa, but also an assortment of biscuits, pasties and other snacks for him to nibble on.

When she returned James first reached not for her, not for tea, not for the cocoa, but for a large buttery piece of shortbread. It crumbled all over the page he was working on. He brushed away the crumbs and smeared the ink that had not yet dried.

"Damn it," he groaned. "I'm so exhausted, my head is wrecked."

Lily began to massage his temples but he stopped her. "No. It feels too good. I'd fall asleep and I need to stay awake."

"Then drink something. That's peppermint tea, there."

Lily practiced Charms and Transfiguration and read for History of Magic and Defence Against the Dark Arts while James continued on with his work.

Dawn found both of them asleep in his office, Lily in her chair, James in his. Lily woke to the sound of that monstrous alarm clock of his and went into the other room to turn it off. His owl was gone so Lily assumed James had finished at least his Ministry work so she wouldn't wake him. He didn't have classes Tuesday mornings and he deserved to sleep in.

She groaned again as she noticed the time. She had Potions in 45 minutes. She really didn't want to go but after last night's meeting and all her suggestions to Slughorn, it would be rather rude to skip. For all her exhaustion she was curious to see how the lesson would go. Besides, attendance was obligatory.

A month ago and she couldn't fall asleep and now she couldn't stay awake. She preferred sleeplessness to sleepiness, one could get more done that way. She put the robes she had been wearing the day before back on. Weyland's letter crackled in her pocket, the wrong end sticking out. James must have read it last night after he had taken her back to the room and changed her clothes. She didn't care. It didn't tell him anything he didn't already know.

They didn't brew anything that day for the first time in a long time. Instead Slughorn lectured on antidotes, explaining why certain basic ingredients countered certain poisons and why. They had brewed the antidotes before, memorised which antidote went with which poison, but they had never learned the reason behind it until then. It was a productive lesson, for all that the format was new. Professor Slughorn gave her a wink as she left.

She returned during lunch to find James exactly where she left him, head down on his desk and fingertips stained with ink. She put down her bag and plate of sandwiches before trying to wake him. She started by rubbing his shoulders and neck. His muscles would be sore from having slept like that all morning. She could distract herself from Weyland by worrying about James.

"You are a wonderful woman, did you know that?" he mumbled.

"Mmhmm."

"Don't you dare stop."

"Being wonderful or massaging?"

"Both."

"You have class in half an hour."

"No..." he said in sleepy protest.

"I'm afraid so. Come on, eat something." He reached a blind hand over to the plate and groped around until his hand landed on a sandwich. Bits fell out as he brought it to his mouth and began munching.

"You wanted to talk about something," he said. "We agreed today at lunch."

"Never mind. It was about Weyland."

His head rose and he looked at her. "Want to talk about it?"

Talking about Weyland's letter was superfluous now, and she wasn't ready to talk about his death. She wiped the sleep from his face. "No."

He closed his eyes and leaned his head against her tummy, hugging her around her hips. He said nothing about her having concealed her friendship with a vampire, or that she had hospitalised herself by giving too much blood to said vampire. These things were obvious now and didn't need mentioning or accounting for.

"I'm here if you need me," he said.

"I know."

A voice, slightly muffled but insistent sounded from his pocket. "Prongs! Prongs!"

James removed one arm to retrieve the mirror. "Hey Padfoot," he said, suppressing a yawn.

"I just heard about Euphrates. I take it you know?"

James looked at Lily apologetically and rumpled his hair. "Yeah, yeah I know."

"How is she?"

"As you see her." James angled the mirror up away from his face to Lily's. His way of answering Sirius' question without having to actually say 'overwrought.'

"Oh, afternoon Cariad."

"Afternoon."

"I was just checking in."

"Thank you, Sirius. I'll be alright."

"Right. Well, I guess I'll get back to work. Take care."

"We will."

James turned the glass back to himself. "Are you free later this afternoon?"

"I can make myself free."

"Alright, I'll mirror you then."

Lily didn't doubt that while she was in class James would tell Sirius everything. She was grateful for that. She wanted Sirius to know but she couldn't yet tell him herself. She'd have to tell Rupert eventually though. She had managed to get by in History of Magic -- they never talked because of her transcribing quill -- but Charms was another matter. She wouldn't be able to avoid conversation then. She sighed unhappily.

"You don't have to go to Charms. You can stay here." He had misinterpreted her groan. The mirror was put away and he was now standing, looking down at her again.

"It's not Charms I dread. It's talking to Roo." She put her forehead against his chest. "I'm too tired to explain. I just want..." Her voice faltered as her throat constricted. She had tried so hard all day to avoid this.

James took her face in his hands and brought it up so their eyes met.

"Don't look at me," she begged. If he were too understanding, too sweet, she would break down right then and there and then she'd miss Charms after all and make him late for his class.

"Okay, okay." He put her head to his shoulder and patted her hair. After a moment he said, "Have you not already eaten, or are all these sandwiches for me?"

"They're all for you," she answered. She had no desire whatsoever to eat.

"Still have a plate of biscuits here, want one?"

"Not right now."

She knew she had to leave, not because she wanted to, but because should. Being in his office was too comforting; being within his arm's reach was too reassuring; hearing his voice was too soothing. He had more important things to do than comfort one distraught girl. A whole year of students depended on him to teach them what was well worth knowing in these dark times.

Only after she left James to pace the cold passageways of the castle did she start to contain herself. The tears retreated from her eyes and anguish loosened its painful hold on her throat. Procrastinating, she once again sat at the very back of the classroom. Her hearing wasn't nearly as acute as it had been the day before, but she would seize any chance not to sit next to Rupert. He too, would be too understanding, too kind. She needed to shut off, not feel anything and just go about her daily duties unfeelingly. She thought of the necklace she had given Sirius and wondered if she might not have found use for it after all.

She was being cowardly and she knew it. Eventually she would have to deal with this grief. Flitwick entered the classroom and began his lecture.

'_Eventually, but not now_.'

Rupert stood by his desk as the class began filing out of the room once the lesson was over. His expression was set, his determined eyes likely to bore a hole through her.

"You're avoiding me," he said as she tried to pass him without comment. She sighed and turned to him, a tired but loving look on her face.

"It's not you I'm avoiding." _It's facing the truth._

"I saw the Prophet..." he informed her. Lily closed her eyes, trying to block out what her imagination provided to be the disgusting headlines of that morning's paper. She imagined being plunged into icy waters, going numb. She was cold. She didn't feel anything. She wouldn't let this conversation upset her.

"I have to talk to Professor Flitwick."

"You are evading," he accused.

"Yes," she replied instantly. "I am. It's something I can't afford to think about right now."

Rupert didn't move to go, just stood there studying her, not angrily, but curiously.

"He was a good man, Roo. I'll explain it all later when I'm better able. Give me a day or two. Just know that Weyland wasn't as the Prophet painted him. He..." Her voice slid up an octave and she stopped speaking.

He put a comforting hand on her shoulder and she shook her head. "I have to talk to Professor Flitwick." She fought to regain composure, jumping back into her frozen mental lake.

Rupert nodded and left. She was grateful Rupert was a man. A girl would have been more persistent in her caring and wouldn't have let the subject drop. Women felt that talking always made things better and were always quick to do it. Men preferred silence. Lily liked silence.

Lily went in search of her silence after a nice long and technical discussion with the Charms teacher. She didn't head to the Astronomy tower, her throat still hurt from being out here too long the night before. She wanted a place where she could sit and work. She immediately thought of the library but it was too public a place. If she were to suddenly burst into tears she'd rather be completely alone. She decided on the Shrieking Shack. Someplace where no one would stumble across her; someplace quiet, someplace used to woe.

She first went down to the kitchens, thinking in a rather foolish hope that perhaps she might feel like eating at some point. She doubted it, having skipped both breakfast and lunch without regret. The very smell of the food in the basket she carried down the dark passage of the Whomping Willow made her stomach squirm with nausea and she had to stop for a moment to be sick.

She dropped her bag down on the table where she intended to work and took the fragrant food upstairs so she wouldn't be able to smell it. It was beginning to smell like vomit, she swore, or human waste. As her eyes scanned the room and she forget about food and being sick. Only of being quiet.

Remus Lupin lay on the bed asleep, sheet tucked up to his chin. She was only surprised for a moment. He had said he would stay in the shack but Lily had hoped he would have put away his pride and gone back to live with Sirius anyway. Apparently not.

She slipped off her shoes and slid over to him. Dark smudges stained the skin under his eyes: the marks of perpetual exhaustion. His face wasn't peaceful or relaxed, but strained. Unable to stop herself she reached for him, stroking his hair away from his face only to have it fall back again. She repeated the gesture a few times, not in any effort to style it, but simply to feel its softness between her fingers.

His nostrils twitched and his stomach growled, apparently not as asleep on some levels as others. Should she leave the food there, go back downstairs to do her work and let him rest? She was just about to do just that when she heard an odd clank. He shifted, whimpering slightly as he turned his head over to the other side to reveal a large green bruise across his left cheek, probably a few days old. Perhaps he'd had another row with Sirius. She pulled down the blanket a bit to find what had made the strange sound.

_Sirius wouldn't have done __**that**__,_ she thought noticing a malicious device around his wrist. She hadn't seen it before because it had been hidden under the blanket, along with the blood stains.

_'Poor Remus, what have they done to you?'_

Lily inspected the shiny metallic jaws. It was an animal trap, and his hand from the wrist down was snared in its painful silver bite. It had an un-opening charm, but she had already gathered that. If Remus could have taken it off, he presumably would have. Well, it had snapped over his wand arm so perhaps not.

Panic, worry, doubt, and rage at Henry Bright (she assumed it was he) were all swept aside as she took over the task. She needed to think rationally, and wouldn't be able to do so with so many other things fighting for precedence in head. Deciding that she had better know what happened and what other injuries he had before she set about trying to heal, she decided to wake him.

"Remus?" She kept one hand firm over the injured arm to keep him from moving it any more as he woke. "Remus?" she repeated a bit worriedly.

She touched the back of his neck; a vulnerable and sensitive area that she hoped would trigger his defence instinct. She regretted feeling the heat of fever on his skin. His face cringed at the contact but his eyes remained shut. "Remus can you hear me? I need you to wake up."

His head moved to the side and his breath quickened, but he still didn't reply. He must hear her on some level, but was too weak to respond. She understood that. He had spent hours in a St. Mungo's hospital bed trying to pull herself into consciousness. She had only succeeded in the end because she had heard James and the others talking to her.

"Remus, listen to me. Focus on my voice. You need to wake up." A pause. "_Please_."

She had wanted someone to slap her when she couldn't wake, but she couldn't bring herself to do that to a man so obviously already beaten. So she tried to peel his eyes open instead. They were rolled back in his head, so that she could only see white shot with blood red lines of fatigue.

"Remus!" she shouted loudly in his ear.

His eyes snapped forward, and she felt a slight tug as his eyelids tried to blink but couldn't because of her fingers. She let go and those yellow/brown eyes began to blink into focus.

"Lily," he breathed, not in confusion but thanks.

She sighed and kissed forehead in nervous relief. "Where else are you hurt?"

"Nowhere too bad. This _thing_ though..." His eyelids began to flutter closed but she snapped again.

"Eyes open!" They heavily lifted and he tried his best to focus on her. She added softly, "I know it's hard but try."

She tried a few more spells that did nothing other than cause Remus to shout in pain.

"Sorry," she repeated a third time. No matter what she tried the hinges wouldn't unwind. It also seemed to be spelled against magical interference. Lily wondered how the hunters themselves would have opened it when they came back. _Stupid girl, _she thought, _they didn't __**plan**__ on removing it_.

His eyes were closed again, shut as tightly as his jaw as he clenched against the pain. She didn't ask him to open them; she doubted anyone could sleep through that. As she thought of what to do next she stroked his head, in apology to him, and as comfort to herself.

Well, if magic wasn't going to help she might as well do it the old fashioned way. She transfigured a screwdriver and began dismantling the thing by hand. No magic, so the pieces came apart with relative ease, if much more slowly and not at all painlessly.

She continued spouting a continual stream of apologies and comforting words as she worked until at last the pressure of the jaws was lifted. Lily was prepared for the rush of blood out the wounds that were no longer blocked by the silver teeth. Wary of the many tendons and nerves that controlled the delicate hand muscles and bones she cleaned and closed the wounds.

"That's better," he sighed. Lily wiped the perspiration from his forehead with a cool cloth as she had done with James once. She let it rest on his brow as she mopped up the bloody mess of the bed with a wave of her wand. She'd have to thank Poppy for teaching her that one, it was proving more useful than she would have thought (or hoped for that matter.)

"What else?" she asked.

"Nothing," he said weakly.

"What happened to your cheek?"

"Fell over," he said with effort. "And decided to break the fall with my face."

"Ouch."

"Believe me, it was my least concern at the time." He inhaled deeply, still keeping his eyes closed. "Surprised I didn't splinch myself coming over here, they way that thing drained me so."

"It was silver," she explained.

Remus huffed in laughter that was completely devoid of humour.

"What happened?" she asked.

x

"I was found out." Well that was certainly an abridged version, Remus thought to himself. He also knew that Lily wouldn't be satisfied with it. Even as a first year she had never accepted curtailed explanations.

"Yes, I gathered that."

"Bright set a trap for me in my room. I suppose he thought he was being clever." He snorted again. "I think he'll be surprised I didn't gnaw my hand off." Although that first night he had seriously contemplated it...

The real reason he hadn't was because he had soon grown too tired to even try. So long as that silver jaw was clamped to him he became too weak to do anything but lie there. The most active thing he had done was to retch violently over the side of the bed, but that had drained him of everything until today when he had heard her come in, smelled her and her food, and thanked Merlin that he would finally be saved. He had heard her approach his bed, felt her fingers in his hair. For a scared moment there he was afraid she wouldn't even realise he needed help and would leave him there, so he had mustered all he had to try to get up, failing miserably. But it had been enough to get her attention.

She took his good hand in hers and gave it a squeeze and he gratefully squeezed back, though rather weakly. He relaxed into his pillow and simply appreciated the cessation of pain along with the massage as she started rubbing his hand in gentle circles with her thumbs.

A bit later he told her the story between bites she fed him. He was starved, not having eaten since brunch on Saturday. Whether she realised she was doing it or not, she seemed to use this method as an incentive to make him tell the whole story, only giving him a mouthful after he'd given her a decent amount of information. So in an effort to ease his aching belly the whole sad thing was dragged out of him with all the sweet tenderness the world possessed.

Saturday night, when Lily had been attacked by that werewolf in Hogsmeade and they all of them had enjoyed a drink or two in the Shrieking Shack. Lily had been the first to leave. James followed a couple of hours later, as did Peter, Sirius and himself. When he returned home around half three in the morning he found the trap. Henry Bright, was not the brightest of wizards. Had Remus been more sober he might have spotted the trap, the concealment charms hadn't been as subtle as they could have been.

He explained in detail how he couldn't destroy the thing. Having set off the alarm, he knew that Bright and most likely his buddies would be along any moment, so he had pulled himself off the floor (where he had fallen in the agonising shock and struck his face.)

Cornered, trapped like the wolf he was being treated as, he forced the chain from the wall (with an appropriate howl of agony) and staggered passed the anti-apparition wards and came here. He fled to his only sanctuary, his safe haven, the one place where it was alright to be a werewolf, his one true home... the Shrieking Shack.

That first night was the worst, awake enough to feel the pain, but too weak to do anything about it. The next day and night was spent in half consciousness, everything becoming an excruciating hum flowing throughout his whole body. The next day he had resigned himself to dying there in the Shack, and then today Lily had found him.

Without warning she grabbed his arm and made a quick slicing cut across it, just as quickly conjured a basin to catch the escaping blood. His eyes flew open to look at her, waiting for clarification.

"Your being ridiculously drunk probably saved your life," she explained. Or at least she seemed to _think_ it was an explanation.

"What?"

"The alcohol in your blood probably saved your from dying from the silver poisoning. All the same, better get rid of as much of it as possible and to make you start regenerating it on your own. It'll be a slower recovery without potions, but seeing as we don't have any you'll have to do it yourself. I don't have any equipment to give you mine, nor would I know how to do it if I had."

"Give me yours?"

"But our blood types probably aren't compatible anyway, what with your being a werewolf."

Remus was confused. "What do you mean? _Give_ your blood?"

Lily looked confused for a second as well, but then she came to some realisation and smiled. "Muggles don't have blood replenishing potions you see, so we make do by sharing our own blood with each other."

"And that actually works?" he asked incredulously.

"Of course. Granted the process isn't that simple, but that's the general idea."

Remus shook his head in wonder. "Next thing you'll be telling me that muggles give away their livers or hearts."

"They do," she said simply.

Remus choked on the bite Lily had just fed him. "You've got to be joking!" She shook her head. "Sounds like ancient dark magic, or rather gruesome children's stories... taking other people's hearts."

"It's not ancient or dark. In fact it's quite good and new."

"But someone would die without their heart, how could they give it away?"

"They are already dead."

Remus waited for a moment to try to make sense of that in his head. "So people take the hearts from corpses and put them into living people?" he asked, appalled. This sounded so terrible and wrong he could hardly believe it. Surely muggles were mad. Had they no sense of morality? Of decency? Stealing someone's girlfriend was shameful, but understandable. Stealing his kidney was... just disturbing.

"They make the decision before they die whether or not to give away parts of themselves to people who might need them," she explained. "We don't have magic like you; we can't simply re-grow vital organs." Remus didn't bother pointing out that she wasn't, in fact, a muggle so she shouldn't be using 'we' and 'you' as she did. He was too gobsmacked by everything else he simply let her carry on. "Giving away blood, organs or bone marrow is something muggles do to help each other. We can't seclude ourselves away from the world like wizards do. If we can't lift something on our own, we can't just levitate it, we have to ask someone else to share our burden. For the most part, we are all at the mercy of how kind or cruel our neighbours are."

Remus thought of this as she staunched the flow of blood and healed the incision she had so hastily made. And while it sounded creepy as hell, the sentiment behind it was rather touching. Muggles giving away their own selves for the sake of someone else. Lily took the basin of his blood away to the table and he wondered if she would want to experiment on silver tainted werewolf blood.

"So there is no magic involved in all this life exchanging?" he asked, finding it hard to imagine that a dead heart could properly function in someone else's body without (or even _with_) magic.

"No, just lo–" she began but then stopped and drew her brows together in contemplation. She cleaned up the vomit on the other side of the bed without thinking before she sat down. Remus had no idea what could have been going on in her head, but odds were it would have been something very interesting of which James would probably disapprove.

x

As Lily tidied the place she decided that a nice long conversation with Sirius was what was needed. She'd owl him the moment she was back at the castle. Remus had, albeit unknowingly, given her many _new_ things to think about and Lily had yet to fill Sirius in on the _old_ things.

'It was only this time yesterday you got the letter, how is that old?' she asked herself. 'That was before Weyland was murdered and Remus nearly so,' her mind answered back.

What if she hadn't come when she did? What if she came later? Too late? Not at all? It was sheer luck she had. A random impulse acted upon that she just as likely might not have. Then what? How much longer could he have lasted? Another day or two? She had already lost Weyland, what if she had lost Remus too?

She broke.

She didn't expect him to be there, but she had chosen the Shrieking Shack in expectation of breaking and she did. Here, now, harder than ever.

Flinging herself on top of Remus and bawling into his chest she sputtered that she never wanted him to leave here, she would bring him everything he ever needed, she just begged him not to go back out into the world to be killed by the SCDDHB. She knew she must seem mad to him, they had been calmly discussing muggle practices and the suddenly she burst into an uncontrollable fit of weeping.

Perhaps it was because Remus had always been a patient and understanding man, or perhaps it was because he was too weak from illness, blood loss, and malnourishment to even get out of bed and away from her, either way he stayed where he was and patted her head.

"What is this, Lily?" he asked softly.

She told him everything. She hadn't wanted to talk about it because she would break down, but she had already broken down and now she couldn't _stop _talking about it. She told him of Weyland, meeting him, his vampicy, their friendship, what she had done at Slughorn's party, the letter, his murder, the meeting in Dumbledore's office with James and Moody, her fear for Remus himself. The injustice of it all.

x

"And they got away with murder just because he was a vampire! They could do the same thing to you; make up horrible stories about you being a monster and how wonderful and good they are for killing you." She started weeping again and Remus patted her shoulders and waited through it. "Stay here. Hide. Don't ever come out. I'll provide you with anything you want just don't-"

"Die?" he provided. He was afraid this helpful prompt might set her off again. A few more worried tears slid down her cheeks and splashed onto his chest. He didn't mind, he needed a bath anyway, and what better way to be cleansed than by a worried woman's tears, washing it all away? He knew the healing power of phoenix tears but he thought that there might be some kind of similar magic in those of Lily Evans.

His heart lifted for all that he was uncomfortable with her unhappiness. Granted, he had to share those tears with Weyland Euphrates but he'd take what he could get. She was crying for _him. _Worried for _him._ Wanting to lock him away, not to keep him from harming people, but so that no harm ever came to _him_. The fear in her eyes wasn't for being face to face with a werewolf, but for _losing_ that werewolf.

He was loved.

He knew his friends loved him but that sort of thing was always meant to be understood, never expressed. And here was Lily - not caring that he reeked of vomit sweat and urine, or how silly she might seem, or how unmanly it would look - hugging him tightly and crying for him. Girls' emotional outbursts weren't so bad sometimes, for all Sirius may say.

x

It took a while for her to stop, but she did eventually. Lily was thankful for Remus, she had needed to let all that go and he had been so patient, so kind. Hadn't told her stop being a girl and get over it, or that crying won't solve anything. Even better, he hadn't told her that everything would be alright either. He was simply there, which was really all she wanted. He would get better. After a week of rest and care he would be able to get out of bed again.

But he didn't have a week, she remembered. The moon wouldn't wait for him. What would happen? Would the transformation into an animal form help him or would the lingering silver only harm him more? She immediately put these questions to him and he tried to stay awake to answer her.

The practical questions didn't stop there though; she wanted to know what his plans were for staying there, what he had already and what she would need to procure for him. She learned that all his things had been in the room, and that there was little to no chance of him ever retrieving them. His eyes were closed but he seemed to know that she had a sad expression on her face.

"I didn't have all that much. And that I did wasn't worth keeping anyway," he reassured her. "I have all I need."

It was late, and Remus, although had been stuffed with food, was still worryingly weak and fell asleep there underneath her almost as he spoke. She, worn out from everything, followed suit.

**Author's Note:**

_Be a sport and give blood. It makes a difference._


	59. Which is Perfectly Indifferent

_Since I've received several messages on a few topics I will address them__ here, so everyone can read. Feel free to skip them all but number five, seeing as its the most important._

_1. Lily is not pregnant. Dudley is just a year older._

_2. Yes, this fic is long, and it's only going to get longer. :shrugs:_

_3. To AnitaPotter, Fred and George Weasley pulled pranks and were trouble makers, but I wouldn't categorise them as bullies. That's how Lily imagined James __when she was sorting through all his detention records. In the original version of one of my chapters Lily and Sirius talk about this, but I took it out. He was going on about what's the point in doing something bad, if you don't take the credit for it. They could have avoided most of their detentions if they had wanted to, but it was more a sense of pride, like bragging rights if you will. They didn't get caught bullying because they didn't __**want**__ to. But they did want to take credit for their marauding, to build up their reputation as marauders. It worked. It worked on the students and, as much as they'd like to deny it, it worked on the teachers as well. _

_4. No, __save for a couple dozen lines, concepts, general human behaviour, and my terrible sense of humour, nothing is taken from real life. The romance is just like the magic. For the sake of the story I pretend they both exist and then act as if I know what I'm talking about. Again, the joys of fiction. I may not be old yet, or ugly, but I have no doubt that in time I will become a very creditable spinster. _

_**5. Lastly and **__**MOST importantly**__... While it might sound all exciting and romantic in this story, going for your professor is in all probability a very very __**very**__ bad idea. Likewise, should your professor hit on you, it's not cool, it's sexual harassment. Your teachers are there to educate you, not hit on you. I know it's awkward, embarrassing, perhaps even humiliating, but if a professor makes a pass at you, you owe it to yourself and to other students, current and future, to report it, __**especially**_ _if you are still in secondary school (high school) or younger. I really can't stress this enough. And this is not just for girls. Guys, same goes for you. It doesn't matter how young or attractive he or she may be, taking advantage of students isn't something they should get away with. You might not be the only one they are approaching, they might be preying on other students as well. Lily and James are a special case and more importantly, fiction. Don't take risks in real life. Report sexual harassment._

__

On with the chapter. I meant to have Lily's return to the DADA class in this, but thought would have made the chapter too long (I know I know, chapters are always long, but I'm trying to shorten them, I really am.) Anyway, that'll be next chapter which will hopefully be a bit lighter, no promises mind. This chapter isn't as action packed as some of the others but there is a lot going on to keep in mind for later.

_**Ch**__**apter 59 **_

James paced back and forth in his room, hands fumbling through his hair as if he expected he could find Lily among the roots. She wasn't there, obviously, nor anywhere else he could think to look. She had been gone for hours. 10, as a matter of fact. She wasn't in her room, not in the library, not in the Hospital Wing, not in the Astronomy tower, not in her room nor his, not with Professor Dumbledore, not with Hagrid, not with Ferris. He had checked them all. No one knew where she was.

It was too dark outside to see, even though the waxing moon shed light that reflected brightly off the lake. No sign of red hair. Might she be in the forest as a doe? He could see her doing that, despite his telling her never to do it again.

An idea came to mind and he jogged down to the kitchens. He was greeted with the usual good cheer and offer of tea by Poppy but the happy house elf's ears drooped when James barked at her, telling her just where exactly she could put those tea biscuits. Realising his cruelty he stopped, sighed, and apologised.

"Sorry Poppy. I can't find Lily," he explained. "You haven't seen her, have you?"

"Oh yes Master Potter. She came in for her dinner, sir."

"She didn't say where she was going?"

"No sir," she replied sadly, both that Lily couldn't be found and that she couldn't be helpful. James roared again. Poppy's eyes suddenly went round as the saucers she served and disappeared with a pop. He stormed out of the kitchens to spare the other elves his temper.

So it was 7 o'clock, rather than the original 5, when she was last seen alive. James shook his head and growled at his inner auror. 'She's not a case, so shut up,' he told himself.

'She is. She was in the greenhouses. He doesn't know she passed out before she saw him. Someone has a reason to want her dead.'

His terrible imagination played one scene after another, each time he thought he was imagining the worst case scenario, only to have it replaced by something even more horrifying and heart breaking.

x

Lily woke by Remus' ragged breathing. She brought the room to light and saw that the poor man's colour did not look good. He was a sickly pale green and his fever still hadn't decreased. She put another cold cloth over his forehead.

"Remus?" she said shaking awake. He gasped, eyes flying open and he leaned over the side of the bed to be sick on the floor. "Remus, shall I call for Madame Pomfrey?"

"Hell," he groaned. Lily wondered if he were in some way answering her question or just commenting on his opinion of life in general.

"Remus? Remus, are you okay? Shall I get Madame Pomfrey for you?" she repeated, wondering why she hadn't gone to the healer at the very first.

"No," he said faintly. "Give me a minute." His hand was pressed against his stomach and his eyes were squeezed shut in obvious discomfort.

Lily waited for what felt like 60 whole seconds. It was actually ten. "What do you need? What can I do?"

He vomited again before answering. "Water."

She conjured a cup and filled it with water from her wand. He took a swig, swished it around and spat it out onto the floor to keep the pile of sick company. "Vile," he said, making a disgusted face.

Lily took this to be her cue to clean his mouth, seeing as he probably was in no condition to do it himself. Actually, Remus had been in this same bed for three days and three nights and the place had begun to stink. Lily assumed more than just his mouth needed cleaning.

"Poppy!" she called. Would the house elf even be able to hear her call beyond Hogwarts?

A crack and the elf appeared. "Miss! Poppy is so glad you called for her!"

"I'm happy to see you too," she said quickly, cutting the elf off. "I have some very important things I need you to do." She listed off the supplies she wanted, knowing the elf would probably have to make several trips. More food and drink, a clean set of sleepwear for Remus, new bedding, towels, soap, and a few items from the hospital wing if they could be found.

The house elf hesitated for a moment, as if she wanted to say something but dipped a curtsey and disappeared, coming back several minutes later with the first of the load. Her second trip was less fruitful.

"Sorry Miss, the hospital wing is not having it."

"Fool healer probably wasted the stuff on me," Lily mumbled to herself. Actually, she remembered that morning, with the sack attached to her arm. She had been so desperate to get away she had pulled it out and let its contents drip onto the floor. Had Lily known then what she did now, she wouldn't have wasted it like that. Thinking of it reminded her of all the other things she had to worry about and she wanted to pull her hair out and start crying again. She wouldn't, naturally...

"Miss Evans?" Lily exhaled her stress and turned around.

"Yes Poppy?"

"He did not with his own words order Poppy to find Miss," she began awkwardly, looking down at her feet as she twisted her uniform between her bony hands. "But Master Potter came in and asked Poppy if she knew where Miss was. May I tell him, Miss? He was not pleased when Poppy didn't know. And then, right at that moment the Miss calls Poppy."

Lily groaned. She still wasn't used to having to leave him know whenever she went somewhere. She sometimes forgot that people worried about her.

"It's up to you, Remus," she told him. "Whether you want him here or not."

"I wouldn't want to keep him worried but..."

"But what?"

"I wouldn't want him to see me like this either," he admitted a trifle shamefaced.

"Covered in piss and vomit, or just here in general?" she asked.

Remus flinched at this harsh summary and replied, "Both."

Men and their pride. Not that Lily could really hold that against him. If it were her, she would feel the same way.

"Tell James that I fell asleep in the Shrieking Shack late in the afternoon. Apologise for me for not having been awake until now to call you and tell him where I was. Thank him for worrying and tell him that I'll see him tomorrow. Or later today, technically."

"Miss wants Poppy to lie?"

She was about to say 'Is that a problem?' but then edited script to soothe the poor elf's nerves.

"I haven't asked you to lie. Everything you will tell him is true. You needn't feel guilty."

Poppy looked reassured and blameworthy at the same time. "You are _not_ lying to Master Potter so _don't_ feel guilty," she ordered, feeling slightly guilty herself for using the elf's nature against her. Poppy straightened and smiled. "And come back here when you've done that, please. I'll need your help."

The house elf brightened still farther at the prospect of being even further use and disappeared with a crack.

"Is there a bathroom in this place?" she asked him.

"No. At the time the shack was built there was a privy, but that has long collapsed and rotted."

"If you were going to live here than how did you plan on..." She shook her head. "Never mind." That would just be another thing she would ask Poppy to bring.

She went through the house in search of something suitable when she finally found a bucket turned upside down, obviously once used as a seat or foot rest. She flipped it over, flinched slightly at all the spider webs and dust inside, and cleaned it out. She brought it back to the room with her, first transfiguring it to a more practical shape, and then engorging it ten times its original size.

"What are you doing?" By his wary tones Lily could tell he _knew_ what was she was doing, but wasn't looking forward to it.

"Going to get you cleaned and ready to start your long recovery," she answered briskly. She would have no silly nonsense about it. She started out with '_aguamenti'_ but realised that would take far too long. She tossed the bar of soap into the makeshift tub and said "_diluvia_!"

It filled the tub and then some, the force of the spell accidentally spilling out onto the floor. "_Finite incantatem_," she thought, and the water ceased. She shrugged. The floor wasn't exactly spotless anyway.

She turned back to Remus who was eyeing both her and the tub with unmasked dubiousness.

"I promise you will feel much better afterwards," she said. "And there is no point in denying you need one."

She flicked her wand and all his clothes vanished from him, reappearing in a neat pile two feet away. Although his modesty was still protected by the sheet he was under, he looked surprised. And perhaps even a touch impressed.

"I learned that one from James," she explained. Remus raised his eyebrows at her and she blushed at her own thoughtlessness. "Shut up," she snapped embarrassedly, knowing as well as he did that he hadn't even said anything.

She threw a towel at his face. "Put it on."

She felt her annoyance slip away as even that small task seemed to drain him of even more colour.

Poppy reappeared. "Hello again. Sorry to keep asking things of you but-"

"It is always a pleasure to serve, Miss! Just say what Poppy must do and it will be done!"

Lily smiled and with her wand carefully lifted Remus out of bed and into the tub, asking Poppy to take all the bedding and clothes to have them laundered and bring back a chamber pot when she returned. Lily whispered this last part for some reason, as if the words 'chamber pot' were somehow scandalous. The elf nodded and was off again.

'Gaunt' was sadly the only word she could think to describe him. She hoped it was his ill, bedridden state that had reduced him to this, and not life in general. He was leanly built, but that didn't account for his emaciation.

An hour later and Remus was cleaned, dried, back in his bed (which now had fresh linens), fed (again), and sleeping. Lily, not wanting to doze herself so she could better monitor Remus' needs, brought her things to the room and watched over his slumber as she did the week's schoolwork.

She skipped double History of Magic the next morning leaving his side only to make a quick trip to the kitchens to supply Remus a day's worth of food and drink. However she couldn't neglect her other lessons that afternoon.

"I don't know if I can make it back before morning," she told him, wiping his mouth from the crumbs that clung to the stubble there. "I suppose I don't have to bother telling you not to get out of bed."

He smiled wanly but didn't speak.

"You seemed to have a bit more energy yesterday."

"Just grateful to be found."

"Not feeling so grateful now?" she asked, unable to stop her lips quirking up.

"I didn't know you would care for me so... _thoroughly_."

"You're adorable when you're embarrassed," she commented.

"I'm surprised I can ever appear anything but repulsive in your eyes, after everything you've seen."

Lily shrugged. "I know, there's no accounting for it," she said smilingly. "But if you ever grow weary of me I'm sure the others would be glad to take my place. I can just see it now. _Sirius_, not I giving you a bath,shampooing your hair, pinching your cheek..." she said following the action to the word.

Remus cringed at this mental image, closing his outer eyes as if he could likewise close his mind's eye. "Cruel woman. You can be just as mischievous as him sometimes, did you know that?" he said, rubbing his face where she'd pinched it.

"Aww, thank you, Remus."

"That _wasn't_ a compliment. Although I dare say Sirius would have enjoyed your reaction."

"You can tell him when next you see him."

"I think _not_."

Lily shrugged apathetically. "It's almost one. I have to go. Should I put you into a sleep first? It would save you from waking in pain." And having to use the chamber pot until she could come back to help him. She didn't want to have to deal with more soiled bedding. Rather, she didn't want _Poppy_ to have to deal with it. For all the elf gleefully went about her work, Lily always felt guilty for giving tasks to the elf she herself _could_ do, but would rather not.

How did that song go? 'Don't do it yourself, leave it to an elf...?' Lily squirmed uncomfortably.

After a last few (not unrelated) needs were attended to, Lily left, hurrying to class.

x

James had waited in ambush, hidden under the cloak outside the History of Magic classroom. Except his quarry never appeared. He grew tired of this. He had been furious with the girl before, worried, annoyed, entranced, dumbstruck, overjoyed. He had never been this exhausted before though. Was it that much to ask that she be where she ought to be? That she might be locatable when he wanted to find her? He had the full intention letting her know just what he thought of her hitherto... _elusiveness_, but it appeared as if it would be a continued annoyance and he wouldn't get the chance.

He gave up. She was alive and clearly didn't want to be found so he would stop trying to find her. And he confessed, after this latest slip, he didn't want to. He had better things to do with his time then to chase a girl about Hogwarts castle, grounds, and environs.

He'd like to think that was the main cause for his exasperation, but if he wanted to be honest with himself, which he wasn't so sure he wanted to be, he was afraid that this cold distance she put between them might have been intentional, perhaps because he had told her to forget about helping Euphrates.

It wasn't in her nature to be cruel outright, but she had chosen to sleep in the astronomy tower rather that come back to him, and then in the shack the night after that. She had been gentle in her manner and actions, but he couldn't help but read into the other things. It wouldn't be the first time she had used a sort of 'cold kindness' to show her displeasure.

'She can come to me if, _when_, she wants,' he thought to himself, watching the bright blond head of Ferris walk away down the corridor. She hadn't spoken to the boy either, he mused. Or Hagrid. He contemplated that it wasn't just him she was blocking out, but everyone. This was, at the same time, both comforting _and_ concerning. His plan would remain the same though. He would wait for her to come to him.

That time came sooner than he expected. After his afternoon lessons, he was descending the staircases amongst a crowd of students going about their various ways when he caught a glimpse of unmistakable red. She had only just stepped onto the staircase when it gave a recognisable shudder.

Everyone around began to complain of the inconvenience of moving staircases, and planned amongst themselves what would be the next quickest way to get to where they were going. James said nothing, his eyes glued on the green ones that froze him where he stood.

_Unfair_. One would think that he would have grown used to them by now, that he would no longer be rendered so pathetically ensorcelled. He'd been looking into those eyes for months but when she turned them on he was just as helpless as he had been at the first. He stood there, entranced. It wasn't until he was jostled by the students passing him that he realised the staircase had come to a stop and traffic had started again. He only looked down for a moment to regain his momentarily faltered steps, but when he looked up again she was gone.

He let out a shuddering sigh. James Potter considered himself a grown man. A young one, certainly, but matured beyond the weaknesses of foolish infatuations and yet...

He was certain she hadn't gone passed him, so she must have gone back down. And here he had told himself he wouldn't go looking for her...

He descended the rest of the stairs, eyes scanning in every direction. Thinking that she had decided to avoid him after all, he continued on his way out to the grounds to prepare for the next day's combined lesson of the 6th and 7th years, though he couldn't stop himself for mentally pausing every time he caught a flash of red. In the end it was never her.

He stopped in at Hagrid's who accompanied him out onto the grounds, but not before a cup of tea. They trudged together out through the snow, James walked behind the half giant, using the trench the enormous man made as path until they made it into the forest. The trees, though mostly leafless this far into winter, stopped the snow from drifting so deep. They began marking off a very wide section of forest that James would ward for safety. This was to test the student's teamwork and duelling skills, not their abilities to outrun acrumantula or any other such concern despite his past few lectures about the importance of environmental factors in facing the dark arts.

500 square paces, he decided, would be space enough for this project. He had only walked out 40 or so when he heard the sound of hoof beats distracting him from the sound of his own steps. His first thought was that of alarm, thinking it might be disgruntled centaurs. (Yet another reason why he had asked Hagrid to come with him.) But it was only the sound of one beast, not a herd. His second thought was that of Mercury, and his enthusiasm lifted in hope at seeing the tyke. He squinted in the direction from which the sound was coming, the glinting sunlight off the snow rather harsh on the eyes when facing full west.

The shining white coat blended well with the snow. In fact, he didn't think he'd ever seen a _natural_ doe of that light a colour, only her patronus shone brighter, but only just. He had never seen himself as an animagus, he realised. Perhaps he glowed slightly too.

She boundedaround them before she stopped in front of them, giving him a nudge. He stroked that face, looking into those eerie eyes that sparked with intelligence unknown to beasts.

"Did you follow me out here?" he asked, unable to stop a small smile as he stroked the animal's neck. She gave him another nudge. Hagrid smiled and ran a large hand across her back.

"Beau'iful," he said pulling out some treat from his pocket. The doe gracefully bent her neck and nibbled from his proffered hand. Hagrid patted her again, commenting that there was a grace about deer that other hoofed animals couldn't emulate.

"Where was I?" James asked. He had lost count of his paces and they had to go back and start again, redoing the magical line he'd already begun to draw.

2000 paces later and over a mile of exhaustingly conjured line of discernment, James, with a hand on the doe's back, thanked Hagrid and promised that he and Lily would stop by the next day after dinner.

"I meant to be angry with you, you know," he said once Hagrid was gone from view.

"Oh?" she asked, changing back. She looked surprised, then asked confusedly, "Well what happened?"

"I don't know," he admitted just as confused, and put an arm around her shoulders as they walked back along the enclosure he had created.

"You are aware, I assume, that students won't be safe from any creatures already within the boundaries..."

"Of course, and that's where your detention comes in."

"You were serious about that?"

"Well, no, not really, but you are going to do it nevertheless."

"Shouldn't you have kept Hagrid for this?"

"So he could lecture me about evicting poor violent curs from their dens? No thank you."

"Well, it is rather unfair for you to –"

"Stop. I will not hear a word of it. It's only for a day anyway, and if it's a powerful enough to be a menace to us, then it's powerful enough to spend a night away from its usual tree stump. Come on."

"As you say, sir."

"And I'll need you to reinforce that line."

"As you say, sir."

He felt she was better qualified to set protective wards. He had read somewhere that for individual talismans, the focused attention of a wizard was by and large more effective. When it was a broader protection spell, the wide ranging love of a witch tended to be more powerful. James had reasoned it was because women were just more loving creatures in general.

That and it was just good sense to reinforce a boundary that long. Two forces where stronger than one, and he wanted to take as few risks as possible, in light of their depleted healing resources at the moment.

x

They divided the plot up into smaller sections of about 50 paces by 50 that they combed individually.

Lily, somewhat distracted by her duties by plucking another interesting herb, was brought back to attention by James saying something about "dyeing the snow a different colour" and he walked off to the edge of his own section to go about the business. She refocused on her sweep. She froze, grip tightening on her wand as she heard the rhythmic crunching of snow that signified footsteps.

To call it surprise would be to understate the matter. Lily was downright flabbergasted to see a small golden headed _child_ approaching her. A more pitiful sight Lily couldn't recall. The girl's thumb was in her mouth and she looked at Lily with such wide honey-gold eyes. She felt so sorry for the poor thing, and she was so drawn it by those wide eyes that her heart immediately went out to her. She was so moved that she didn't even realise how unlikely it would be for a little girl to be out on her own in the middle of the forest; and mistrusting it didn't even occur to her.

"I'm afraid," she said. "Witches and wizards. They hurt me... but _you_ seem nice. You won't hurt me, will you?"

"Of course not," she said soothingly. She wanted to bundle her up and take her back to her rooms in the castle. She even started thinking of what she would give her for supper.

"But you can't tell anyone about me. They will come after me to hurt me again. Keep this a secret?"

"Alright." She was confused but agreed all the same. She wouldn't deny the poor child anything it wanted. "But what are you doing here? Are you in trouble?

"Oh yes! Promise you'll help me?"

"Why? What's wrong?" Lily asked concernedly. For a moment the girl's eyes narrowed angrily but it was quickly gone and the wide eyed pleading was back.

"I'm lost and alone with no one to take care of me."

"Where's your family?"

"I don't have any. Will you take care of me?"

"Lily _naaaaaaaao_!"

x

James saw Lily in the distant clump of trees and almost froze with horror. A split second later and he was sprinting headlong through the brush, his cloak catching on malevolent branches that seemed only to want to slow him down. He would have none of that.

He focused entirely on Lily, careful not to look at the creature that had her beguiled. He pulled out his wand and when was in range shouted, "Silencio!" not at the little girl, but at his heart's own. Just in time too, for it looked as if she were about to say something to it.

When he finally reached them he covered Lily's eyes with his hand and barked, "Don't undo the silencing charm, you are not to breathe a word to this thing!"

The creature let out a terrified shriek and Lily struggled against him.

"Don't look at her, Lily. Don't be moved," he ordered. He needed his wand hand free so he removed his hands from over her eyes. She looked wounded and confused.

James pointed his wand at the hell child, looking at her forehead rather than in the eyes. "What did you say to her?" he asked angrily.

"I told you wizards were evil! He's going to hurt me! Help me!" it cried.

James couldn't stop a small triumphant snort of laughter. If it was still begging for help, then it hadn't already made Lily promise. He turned to Lily who was who was trying to get to the girl but he pushed her back. "Listen to me, this child isn't worthy of your pity. Close your heart, Lily. Look away." Lily's eyes filled with tears as she looked sadly between James and the girl.

So her heart had already gone out to it. Of course it had, this was Lily. Her heart went out to everyone, Death Eaters and will-snatching little imps included. Hopefully it wasn't too late.

"What did you say?" he demanded of the creature. "What did you make her do?!"

"Help me! Help me!"

James kicked it hard in the stomach and the creature crumpled against a tree trunk. "What did you make her do!" he bellowed at it again.

The child morphed into something startlingly hideous, hissing and spitting at James viciously. He waved his wand and a fallen tree branch began assaulting the now spindly gray creature. It got up and tried to escape the beating but the branch followed it as it ran, shooing it out of the area beyond the ward's boundaries.

James had always assumed that Lily's heart made her a stronger witch, but it now occurred to him that it was a weakness as well. She was more susceptible to evils like this. He turned around to her and she was still staring at the place the creature had just been.

"Snap out of it, I didn't hurt her... Unfortunately," he said as he removed the silencing charm on her. "And just what do you think you were doing? I was gone for one minute! One!"

She didn't answer him.

"What did it say?" he asked again.

She opened her mouth but didn't speak. Closing it again she shook her head. Worry anchored itself in his heart as he realised that she must have promised it something after all.

"You agreed to something it said."

It looked as if she was trying to make a head motion to answer, but an invisible force stilled her neck.

"You promised not to talk about it," he sighed. This was going to make things difficult. He would never find out what she had promised if one of the promises had been not to let him know. It was definitely worse than he previously expected.

"Can you speak at all?" he asked.

"Yes," she answered.

"Are you bound to it?"

"What?"

"Are you bound to it? Did you bind your will to that of the creature?"

She opened her mouth to say something, couldn't, then said something else to get around it. "My will is my own, even if I have a few new rules to follow."

"Merlin spare me. What rules?"

She looked at him exasperatedly.

"I know, I know, you can't say. This is going to get frustrating really quickly. Will this affect your daily life?"

She thought for a minute for a way to answer his question without actually answering it. "Don't worry about it. Let's get on with this, hmm? It'll be dark soon."

James nodded and they continued on in silence for a while, staying close by her side.

"You don't have to hover, you know."

"Can't be helped. I'm the hovering sort."

"I'm sorry for--. I'm sorry. I was prepared to fight. I wasn't prepared to--. I didn't know that--." She couldn't finish a sentence all together so she stopped trying.

"I know. It's rather hard to be prepared for that sort of thing."

"You were."

"It wasn't the first time..." he said regretfully.

"Was it not..."

"I had the misfortune to come across one in my youth. I was too young a boy to be susceptible to the usual weaknesses of a grown man, or even an adolescent. The Circe appeared to me as it did to you, a lovely lost child. My own age. A friend. Or at least that's what she told me."

"A Circe?!" Lily choked. "That was a _Circe_? I thought they were beautiful women!"

"A Circe is just an imp that will transform into whatever shape it feels is most likely to make you give it what it wants. It's generally men who write about them, and of course to them it would be a tempting looking woman. But a smouldering seductress would do very little to lure another female, so they play on your maternal instincts and becomes a helpless little girl instead."

"So what happened with yours?"

"Oh that's a fine tale," he began, sounding as if he'd told this story before, and it was well rehearsed. "Started out very much like yours. Out wandering in the woods, for that's where all these morbid stories begin. I came across an angel, asking me for her help. Well, I was so instantly taken that I promised her I'd do what I could for her. As you sadly now know, once you make a promise to a Circe you cannot renege. Any verbal promise you make is binding, like a wizard's vow. So, I said I'd do whatever I could for her, only to find out that I was capable of doing quite a bit."

"You were her slave..." she said, slowly, as if comprehension were dawning.

"One could put it that way." He was smiling bitterly.

"Sirius told me about this," she said, starting to grin. "I thought he meant a woman. He said siren, I didn't realise he was talking about an actual Circe."

"What?"

"The other day, Sirius was explaining how there is nothing more dangerous than a beautiful woman."

"He'd be right."

"Sorry, go on with your story."

"Well, I spent my days running about doing her every bidding."

"For how long?"

"Weeks. Got in trouble constantly with my parents for stealing things she told me to take, using magic when I shouldn't; I couldn't even defend myself."

"Aww...Poor little James... not even able to fight back."

"They're immune to most spells. One couldn't use magic directly, but they would feel a kick in the gut just as anyone might. I only wish I had thought of that at the time. Anyway, they can't do magic on their own but to change their appearances. They require other people to do magic for them if they want it done, which is why they try to look so enticing to lure people into promises."

"You obviously aren't under its control any longer, what happened?"

He grinned at the memory. "Well, I did what 8-year-old James Potter did best."

"What was that?"

"Made as much trouble as wizardly possible," he said with a chuckle. Lily smiled and linked her arm with his as they continued their stroll.. "It took me ages to find out how to get out of it. I realised the only way to be rid of her, was for _her_ to want to be rid of _me_. Well, if you think I am maddening now imagine how bad I could be as an overly active 8-year-old."

"He sounds adorable. Little messy haired James, running around leaving naught but chaos and destruction in his tiny wake."

"That was the plan, anyway. She'd ask me to bring her food, and I'd throw gateau in her face. She wanted a chair, I'd first remove the seat. I was overly attentive and purposefully messed up every order she thought to give me until one day I grew so annoying the beast lost her temper and shouted at me to just stop and leave her alone. An order I promptly and most happily obeyed."

"A truly inspiring story."

"I learned my lesson, in any case."

Lily stopped walking, and seeing as she had his arm, he stopped too. She snapped her head around to look at him with a smile before she continued walking. "So if she had told you that you had to keep it a secret, what would you have done if you wanted to tell someone else?"

"That was the reason I got in so much trouble with my parents; I couldn't tell them the truth. I did later, once it released me."

Lily frowned. "Well it seems like the best thing you could have done at the time would have been to create a hypothetical story very similar to your own to get around that promise."

James laughed as her meaning finally got through to him.

"By all means, darling. Tell me a story!"

James listened amusedly to a story about a girl who had stumbled across a sprite while she was taking a walk in the forest where her friend John. He was glad to hear that she hadn't promised anything beyond her silence of the story (which obviously could be circumnavigated) and not to harm the creature. That wasn't so bad seeing as he, or rather John, and made no such promise and had subsequently kicked the stuffing out of it.

"You know the sad thing?" he asked later.

"What?"

"Some people never break from it. They form marriages to men, who are forever their slave. Of course everyone just suspects that the man is weak. Really, they can't do anything about it!" he said feelingly, almost worryingly. "I mean, the poor man is miserable and the creature gets whatever it wants for the rest of its life."

"What an appalling thought." She rubbed his arm comfortingly.

"You should pity me."

"Pity you? You escaped your shackles."

"Only to be bound again 15 years later."

"What is that supposed to mean? You are the bossy one here, not I. How many times have you bullied me into doing what you want? Countless. And what do I ever, _ever_ ask of you? Nothing."

James fell silent for a moment. "_I know_." It would be more reassuring if she did but Lily Evans didn't ask for help but for perhaps once a week to ask to borrow some ink. She still didn't come to him when she was hurting. He'd just happen to be there in the past, she had never come to him freely. He had gone to her. He was always going to her.

He kicked a clump of snow irritably.

"James?" she questioned hesitantly.

"Why didn't you come to me last night?" he burst out.

"What?"

"Or the night before?"

"I fell asleep –"

"Yes I know. You'd rather fall asleep in a freezing tower or some ruining shack rather than go to anyone when you're upset." Even as he heard himself say it, it sounded like an angry accusation, rather than the point of fact he had meant it to be.

"I –"

"Why _don't_ you ask anything of me?" he didn't like how desperate he sounded at all but he couldn't stop his voice from rising and thinning. "I would do it, you know."

"James, don't be ridiculous."

"This isn't a joke. You bring me tea in the middle of the night and wake me up with massages. You bloody do my grading for me. You support me in all my work. You... you... you come into the forest with me to set up a ward for pity's sake. What the hell do _I_ do?"

x

Lily stood there listening in disbelief. "What do you do?" she asked incredulously. "You do everything. You do the work of two men, daily. Teacher by day, auror by night. Who am I to make claims on your time which is already so in demand?"

"You know I'd make time for you."

"Waste time on me by pushing aside your other more important responsibilities? I wouldn't want that. More people depend on you than just me, James."

"You _do_ depend on me then?"

"Why do you always do this?"

"Because we men are simple, straightforward creatures. We like to hear things frankly and outright."

"But that's so..."

"Exposing?"

"Well, yes."

"Sometimes it feels nice to bare all."

"Not for me."

"Go on anyway, for my sake."

Lily sighed and turned away. This was going to be unpleasant. "I don't ask anything of you because I don't need to."

"Lily Evans stands alone, is it?" he spat sarcastically.

"That's not what I meant."

"Then clarify," he said, more like an auror than a lover.

"You already do everything I could want!" she said angrily. "Asking for it would be redundant. James, be a dear and be understanding and caring every minute of the day? James, be a dear and always visit me when I'm in the hospital wing? James, be a dear and make me feel safe just be being there? James, be a dear and hold me all night? James, be a dear and always come to my rescue? James, be a dear and make me laugh? James, be a dear and give me hope? James, be a dear and love me?"

It was quiet for a moment before she added sarcastically. "Here's one. James, be a dear and don't force me to say ridiculous things that make me feel like a sentimental fool!"

His arms encircled her. "There," he crooned, obviously pleased. "That wasn't _so _hard, was it?"

Lily refused to answer the question.

"Give me one more truth and then I'll drop it."

"Hmph."

"Why didn't you wait yesterday afternoon then? Why did you leave?"

"Because I had to go to Charms," she replied, as if this were obvious.

He rolled his eyes and sighed. "She had to go to Charms," he said under his breath.

When they finished clearing the area they retraced the entire perimeter so she could bolster his line with her own. When time came to close the line, ending where she had started, she exclaimed over a root and dug into her pocket to withdraw the knife in which to release it from the ground.

She didn't actually want the plant but as she cut it away from the earth to put it in her portable trunk she sliced her forefinger, just at the very tip. Imagining Roo's face, and Moira Jennings, Anne Wilkes, Alice Hart and all her other classmates, even Victoria, she whispered ancient but earnest words as three drops of blood dripped onto the line.

The moment the last drop fell a resounding _boom_ issued from the entire inch of the enclosure, and a red mist rose from the entire length of the line. Birds flew from their roosts, crying from sudden fear, circled about over the trees, and suddenly flew back to their perches again.

"What was that?" James asked, wide eyed.

"A little finishing touch, you know, to give it a bit of drama," she said with a dissimulating smile as she hid her hand in her pocket. In reality she felt ready to collapse. She hadn't known it was going to be that exhausting. She could feel the ward weighing on her heart as heavily as it seemed to press down upon her shoulders. It wasn't in any way painful, but it did make her feel suddenly concerned for every single tree, squirrel and owl in that specific patch of forest. She wondered how much heavier it would feel tomorrow when more than a 30 of her fellow students were there as well...

She wanted to be carried back to the castle but of course that would be too obvious, not only revealing to James how weak she'd grown but also showing the rest of the school what she didn't want them to know.

As a stag, he watched her return to the castle first. She desperately wanted a shower and rest. She hoped her need for the latter wouldn't prevent her from having the former. She dragged her weighted steps up to her dorm to find Rupert waiting there for her.

That's right; she said she'd talk to him. "Come in," she told him. She immediately sank into her couch and decided that a shower really wasn't that important anyway. Remus had gone for days without bathing. Then again, he was nearly dead and smelled heinously. All the more reason for her to sleep so she could wake up early enough tomorrow so she could visit him before classes.

"You look exhausted," he commented bluntly.

"I am," she said, and deciding that it couldn't hurt to tell Rupert said, "I've just cast a special ward I'd never tried before."

"Is it that draining to cast a ward?"

"Not the casting it. The maintaining it. I really put myself into its formation. I think I'll be glad tomorrow when it's lifted." She wasn't sure if she meant the ward, or its weight upon her soul. Well, they probably went together anyway.

"Why were you doing casting wards in the first place?"

"It was for the stretch of forest we'll be using for DADA tomorrow. Part of my detention."

"Detention?"

"For missing his lesson on Monday. His idea of a joke just to get a bit of free labour."

"He could have just asked, like a normal person."

"Not everyone necessarily asks for what they want," she commented amusedly.

Rupert shook his head free from that and fixed her with a determined look, reminding Lily of why he was there.

"You want to know about Weyland," she said softly. No point in running from it anymore. She didn't have to now.

x

When James entered Lily's common room under the cloak later he found Rupert Ferris sitting with her, asking questions about Euphrates. She looked indescribably fatigued by the conversation, but she patiently and calmly answered every one, carefully and cleverly leaving out the letter and the order.

Her bedroom door was ajar so he walked by them to go in and wait for her there. Her head turned as he passed and he knew she had felt him. After several more minutes of conversation James pretended he _wasn't_ eavesdropping on, he heard her excuse herself, saying she was really tired. No one could say she didn't look it.

Rupert left after giving her a kiss and telling her to rest well and James wondered why he never once felt jealous of the boy. He'd wanted various other characters to stay away from her, not just men like John Michaels and Weyland Euphrates, or Sylvain Chevalier (who where all now dead, he realised, and a rather dissonant realisation it was.) But he had also tried to keep his best friends, Remus and Sirius away... at the first. Looking back at the list of people James had been jealous of, he was glad he no longer suspected his friends for fear that they might meet the same end as the others.

It really didn't make sense. Rupert Ferris was the one he _should_ be defensive against. He had seen then asleep together before, seen them talk, joke, laugh. He knew they had even dated almost all of her 5th year. Knew that Rupert was the first man Lily kissed, dated, and perhaps even loved.

She came in and flopped onto the bed after removing only one shoe. He forgot what he had been thinking of and lay down on top of her, so that they made a sort of X across the bed. It wasn't exactly comfortable, but it wasn't uncomfortable enough to make him move either. He was exhausted too, having been up until three looking for her after all. It was only thanks to Poppy coming to tell him where she was that he had managed to snatch the few hours of sleep he'd had.

As if she could read his mind she said, "I really did fall asleep in the Shrieking Shack. I would have told you where I was going had I thought I'd be staying there for more than an hour or two. I didn't mean to pass out like that."

"It's alright," he told her, knowing that he hadn't been of that opinion earlier that day.

"I say we both turn in early today... unless you have something urgent that needs doing."

"Sounds wonderful." He hadn't had a decent night's sleep since Saturday night and it was already Wednesday. "But not before I eat something."

"Food!" she said in revelation. "I knew I was forgetting something."

"I don't know how you can just _forget_ to eat."

"Absentmindedness, perhaps," she said casually. Something clicked in his mind and he realised she was purposefully concealing something with that studied breeziness. She hadn't tried to defend herself, which she normally would have. _This again_, he thought unhappily. He rolled off her and eyed her figure, but couldn't tell for the robes. He'd have to ask her outright, as much a he knew she'd dislike it. He held no illusions; he knew he probably wouldn't like it either.

"How long has it been then?" he asked patiently.

"What do you mean?"

"When's the last time you ate?"

She guiltily looked away.

"I'm not going to be angry, I just want to know."

"Erm... lunch at yours."

"Monday, then," he stated neutrally. That was when they had discussed the situation of the greenhouses and their dwindling supply of potion ingredients. She had been so distracted that she'd barely touched her plate...

"And before that?" he asked again.

"Well that morning and the evening before I was in the Hospital Wing. And I was at the Ministry and seeing to other apothecaries that afternoon so... breakfast Sunday."

"Last night Poppy said you'd stopped in the kitchens for dinner."

"I couldn't eat it."

So it wasn't that she had been simply forgetting them, he thought. She'd been through a lot these past few days; it wasn't surprising she'd stopped eating. He should have suspected it sooner. At least she wasn't being violently ill like she used to. Actually he had no idea, she may have been.

"Did you get sick?"

"Only once."

Well, that wasn't so bad, he allowed. At least he now knew the cause of sudden spouts of sickness. He remembered how in the beginning he was completely baffled. Now he could predict with almost certainty when they would happen. He'd left a bucket with Madame Pomfrey after Abbot's death, knowing Lily would need it. He put a hand on the back of her head and kissed her brow before getting up.

"I'll be back."

He didn't like it but what was he supposed to do? Say, 'I know your friend was killed, but would you mind grieving differently?' It was better shutting off for days, refusing to get out of bed and just sit and cry. He'd seen people do that. She stayed active and went about her days doing everything she was meant to do.

Poppy wasn't there when James arrived in the kitchens but Lettie was. James felt badly for avoiding his own house elf. Seeing her reminded of his own shameful grief he _still_ hadn't properly dealt with yet. He asked a few of them for dinner then beckoned Lettie to him.

He crouched down, sitting on his heels so he would be eye to eye with her and in a lowered voice said, "Could you do something for me?"

x

James left for the kitchens, she supposed, and Lily immediately called Poppy and asked her to check on Remus.

"He rests peacefully, Miss," she reported. Relieved, Lily thanked the elf and went to shower. When she stepped out of the bathroom, dressed for bed, she was surprised to see that James had not yet returned. His normal black cloak lay on the bed where he left it. 'Probably went to collect things from his office, despite his claim to wanting to turn in early,' she thought, wrapping herself up in the warmth of his cloak. 'And he calls _me_ a workaholic.'

She heard Ebony hooting from the common room so she dried her hair and curiously left her bedroom. The owl had never called to her like this before.

As it turned out, it wasn't Ebony hooting at all. She should have known, she was probably still on her way to London. Two birds occupied Ebony's usual perch. The large barn owl carried a rather thick envelope for James. She removed it and tried to shoo the large bird away but it didn't leave.

She sighed. This would mean another late night for the young Auror, to be sure. She smiled a little grimly. She should have known better than to get her hopes up to enjoy a relaxing evening alone with him. It came almost as a relief though. With so much other work to be done she felt almost guilty for taking time for herself.

She gave Ptolemy's plumage a pat before taking Sirius' note. To her relief it wasn't filled with words of consolation. Just one line.

_I tried it on._

She flipped the parchment over in a vain hope that he might have gone into more detail, but she knew he didn't. He knew better than that by now. He would be in just as much trouble as she would if James found out they were experimenting with 'dark' objects.

Since she had written to him that afternoon after visiting Remus, two more things had been added to the list of things she wanted to discuss with him. Her recently conjured and first ever blood ward, and now the necklace.

_He'd tried it on._

She had at first been terrified at the prospect of utter desensitisation but now that she knew Sirius had done it, she felt the overpowering urge to try it, if simply to understand what Sirius had gone through. How would one make decisions, simple choices if they didn't have something emotional of physical stimulating them into action? Would one sit numbly until forced to act? Or would make your decisions based on cold reason and logic alone, unaffected by fear, pain, desire, or anger? Oh she'd wished she could have been there with him to see.

A cold chill came over her, causing her to shudder visibly. Did she really want to see Sirius, or anyone she loved, so unguided? Or would it be well guided? If she had been there and asked him a question would he have answered her with complete honesty? No ego or concern tainting the answer? Without feeling the need to conceal due to shame, would it be possible to lie? She had no idea, she'd have to talk to Sirius to find out what happened.

She wondered when she could find the time though. She wanted to wait until after the full moon so she could be sure that Remus was improving. Any free time before then she should spend with Remus. There was no telling if he would be better after the full moon or not. It was a rough time for him even without silver poisoning. That seemed ages away, she wished he were there now.

She tossed the slip of parchment into the fire and watched it burn...

"You have an owl," she told him when he entered later, arms loaded with various objects. He placed them down on the table delicately. He forgot about the plate of food, which hovered in the air beside him as he crossed to room to take the letter. His expression darkened as he felt its bulge.

He removed the contents, skimming the first page before going onto the next, then the next. He placed the entire stack on the armchair seat and rubbed his face with a large, indiscriminate hand before ruffling his hair.

"I'll have to go in," he said finally. "There's no helping it."

"Tonight?" she asked, slightly startled.

"Right now," he replied. "Sooner the better anyway. This owl was several hours en route, I've already lost time, can't waste anymore."

She took off his cloak she had been wearing and put it around him instead. "Is it serious?"

"It's... inconvenient," he finally settled on. He folded up the papers again and put them into his pocket. "I'll have to stop in my office and then I'm off. You will eat something, won't you?" he asked.

"Yes," she promised.

"Alright, get some sleep. I'll be back late."

He kissed the top of her head before vanishing under the invisibility cloak and out the door. Her shoulders slumped and she sat on the couch, deciding on what to do. She wanted to just sit there in front of the fire and not get up. She was so tired, but not in the emotional or physical sense. This kind of strain she had never felt before, and keeping up the ward was taxing on her. Perhaps it was something one had to get used to, that the weight lessened in time with practice.

Deciding that she would check on Remus while she could, she gathered her things and got dressed again. She was almost out the door when she remembered her promise to James and shoved a sandwhich into her mouth, packing the rest away.

Not having the cloak made her feel much more exposed when walking about the castle at night. It wasn't even curfew, which might have been the problem. She would have felt better knowing that other people weren't up and about to see her leave. It would be far too obvious to exit through the main castle doors now to go to the Whomping Willow, so she took the secret passage within the castle that let out near the Hogshead, deciding she would walk to the shack from there. She had never taken this passage before, and opening the trap door at the other end proved to be rather difficult, on account of some dust bins having been placed on top of it by some unknowing person.

Lily winced at the racket they made as they toppled over, banging and clanging, alerting all and sundry to her presence. She heard a door open somewhere, someone coming to investigate, no doubt, and retreated back into the passage, closing the trap door quickly behind her.

She heard someone approach. She could almost hear in the silence them looking around for what had caused the disturbance. After a moment they began to right the dustbins and Lily was afraid they had put them right back where they had been before. She would then have to go all the way back to the castle and take a different passage. And while it wasn't a very appealing scenario it fast became preferable to the one which then faced her.

Horrified, she realised that the person, whoever they were, must have known about the passage, for she saw the latch click and open. She didn't have time to run for it, they'd see her, and running was just a sign of guilt.

Of course she _did_ feel guilty, but there was no reason for _them_ to think that. She straightened her back and shoved her chin in the air, as if she had every right to be there. The trap door opened and she forgot about looking dignified.

"Dumbledore," she said in surprise. It was strange for her to address him by his surname. To Lily, there was only one Dumbledore and that was her headmaster. But his brother, Aberforth, was _also_ a Dumbledore.

He seemed to find the appellation as awkward as she did. "I ain't yer bleedin' headmaster, girl," he said, annoyed, reaching in and pulling her up by the elbow. She was rather helpless but to go along. "I don't pretend to no social graces, you can call me by name, like honest folk." Did that mean he didn't consider his brother to be honest?

"Erm, good evening, Aberforth," she tried again rather lamely. He grumbled in response. He shut the door behind her and placed the bins back over the entrance, or exit, depending on how one looked at it.

She wondered if she were in trouble or not. With Aberforth Dumbledore it was difficult to tell. Every time she'd ever seen him he always seemed to be in a bad mood, even at the Prewitt's party over the holidays. Either he was cross all the time and this was no exception, or that was just his way.

"What brings you here, girl?" he asked. She didn't know if she wanted to take the chance to find out if he was actually angry or not so she told him the truth.

"I'm going to see Remus Lupin. He has silver poisoning in his blood and has been unable to get out of bed these past several days."

"In the Shrieking Shack, is it?"

"Yes sir."

He nodded, still looking displeased with the world. "Come in for a bit."

x

"What time is it?" Remus asked when Lily woke him. His head felt clearer, the pain that had been circulating his body for days had lessened; breathing came more easily to him.

"Almost ten," she answered softly. "You haven't been asleep for 9 hours. How are you feeling?"

"Better," he replied trying to push himself up into a sitting position. It was a struggle but he finally managed after firmly telling her not to help him.

"I have some sandwiches with me. If you want something else I can call Poppy."

"Sandwiches are fine." Better than fine. Any food at all was more than he could usually hope for. No doubt Lily would feed him better than he could himself.

She started the whole process over again, tending to all the business that needed tending to. When she said she was going to draw a bath for him he sputtered.

"Again?"

"Yes, Remus. Bathing once a day is a good habit to get into," she said sarcastically.

"But..."

"Believe me, you will thank me later."

"But..."

"Honestly, are you still a child, avoiding taking a bath so insistently?"

There was no stopping her when her mind was made up, Remus realised sadly.

She was scrubbing his hair when she broke the news to him.

"Aberforth knows you are here, Remus."

"Aberforth Dumbledore? Why?"

"He erm... that is we ran into each other in Hogsmeade and I told him. He's going to help."

"What?"

"He's better able to do it than I can. You will be moved to the Hogshead where he can keep an eye on you throughout the day. If it were just me, I would only be able to come once a day at the most. This way I know you'll be looked after. Honestly Remus, I wouldn't be able to bear it if something happened while I was away. You won't go to Madame Pomfrey at least do this."

"How did Aberforth ever agree to it?"

"It was his idea."

"You're joking."

"Nope."

"But I -" He coughed and sputtered as Lily sloshed a bucket of water over his head to rinse his hair.

"Please Remus. You'll be better off there than here. Don't worry, Aberforth won't be nearly as attentive as I am," she said with a playful smile. "Just poke you every few hours to make sure you're still breathing and bring you something to eat if you are. Which is why you are getting a bath now, I don't know when I'll see you next and you can be sure Aberforth doesn't care enough about your personal hygiene to help you."

"Merlin be thanked."

"I'll still come when I can though."

Remus was embarrassed to ask this question but he had to. "Will the others hear of this?"

"No. I'm not even sure he is going to tell Dumbledore. You know, they don't seem to be that close, for all that they are brothers and part of the Order."

"I noticed that too."

Remus was actually so improved that he could stand up and walk the four steps back to bed, not without assistance, of course, but it was still heartening progress. Lily tucked him in, looking guilty. "I'm not just shoving you off onto someone else because I can't be bothered. I mean, I would have wanted to avoid this too but he made such a good point I had to admit he was right and -"

"I understand, Lily," he said almost amusedly. "You don't have to apologise for doing what you think is best."

She seemed embarrassed and pleased at this comment, reminding him so much of the first year he knew long ago.

"I'll be back tomorrow morning before breakfast to take you over to the Hogshead," she said brushing the hair out of his eyes. He felt like a boy again.

He nodded in affirmation.

"Alright. Rest well." She leaned over and kissed his forehead before going over to the table where she pulled a book from her bag and began to read.

"You aren't going?"

"I'm waiting until you fall asleep."

"Oh?" _Oh._

He had only been awake for an hour at most. She'd be in for a long wait, he thought, but then she started humming and he felt his eyes flutter closed.

"Have I heard that tune before?" he asked.

"Perhaps. I thought you were asleep last time I sang it for you."

"It has words?"

"Mmhmm."

"May I hear them?"

He fell asleep before the song even ended.

x

James sat at his desk at the Auror headquarters at the Ministry of Magic going through various dossiers, linking faces and names to crimes, sorting out who was with whom on which attack. There were so many gaps, holes, and uncertainties. Not only that, but the 'incidents' pile was much larger than the 'suspects' pile. There were simply too many loose ends.

"Cuppa?" Alice Longbottom asked, setting a steaming mug of something on his desk.

"Thanks Al," he said taking a sip and burning his tongue. It woke him up quicker than the caffeine would have. "Did you hear anything about Friday's hearing?"

"Postponed. Again."

"Are we surprised?" he asked sarcastically.

"Not even a little bit."

"How's Frank? Haven't seen him in a while."

"Neither have I," she said sadly. "He's in Liverpool for the muggle massacre yesterday."

"Massacre?"

"You don't know?"

"First time hearing it."

"It happened so late last night it didn't make it the Prophet this morning. Don't doubt it will be there tomorrow."

"What happened?"

"20 killed at a sports event. They are putting down to as fan riots. Trouble was that the match was televised."

"Hmm?"

"I didn't know either. Sort of like a live visual newspaper that all muggles have in their homes and can watch the news as it happens."

"Hmm."

"So there he is, and for as far as I can tell there he'll stay. You know I haven't seen him in 48 hours? Our schedules are so different and we are often working in different parts of the country. We are lucky to spend one or two nights a week together."

"Yeesh."

"Oh how is poor Lily? Of course we heard about the Mandrakes. I was so glad to hear she wasn't too badly hurt."

"She always pulls through for me," he said taking another cautious sip. "She was out of the Hospital Wing the next morning."

"I remember the first time we really talked. It was just after Uppingham and she was tending to you. Were you together at that point?"

"No."

"Could have fooled me," she said with a grin. Alice never teased him about being with Lily as the other lads did from time to time. Those little knowing smiles were the closest she ever came. "Lucky you two are in the same place at least."

James took a moment to consider this, and decided it was lucky indeed. Even if this was the _third_ night in a row they would be spending apart.

"I should probably finish this up and get back to her then, shouldn't I?" he asked with a tired smile.

"I'm sure she'd appreciate it. I know I would."

He nodded and they both returned to their respective work.

x

Lily shivered slightly as she entered her room and relit her fire. As she put her bag down on the table she noticed the pile of things James had left there.

"Where did these come from?" she wondered aloud, looking at the collection of lovely objects. An old, silver-wrought lady's hand mirror, a man's wooden cigar box, a strip of worn leather, so soft to touch, and what looked like either a jewellery or music box among a few other things, looking equally old and loved.

She picked up the strip of leather. A belt with a wand sheath attached. She put it around her own waist. It was far too big. She placed it back down gingerly and picked up the mirror instead.

Lily stared at her own face for a while.

"Do I really look like that?" she asked herself. Clearly she must, mirrors seldom lied. Then again it might be magical and there was no telling what it was charmed to do. She confessed to not having actually studied herself in a mirror for a long time. She flipped it over, the lovely silver designs much nicer to look at than her own reflection.

Remembering it was silver that had nearly killed Remus she put it back down and examined the lady's box. She wanted to open it but didn't dare. It wasn't hers, she should leave it alone. And yet James had brought it to her room. If he wanted to keep it from her he wouldn't have left it on her table. She bent over it, examining it more closely to see if she could find out what it did.

There was a tiny keyhole, she noticed, and just above it was his mother's name carved into the delicately painted wood. She put her hand to her mouth.

He'd gone home.

These were things from his parents' house.

She had touched his mother's lovely things with her stupid dirty hands. Actually they weren't dirty, but she felt as if they were unfit to handle such treasures.

"And he's sitting at his depressingly cold and orderly desk slaving away at work while I'm warm by the fire in the common room, rifling through his past," she thought guiltily. "My poor James. My poor darling James." Why had he chosen now, of all times to return? And why did he put these things in _her_ room, rather than his? Perhaps he meant to take them back after he dropped off the food, but was distracted by the letter.

As she changed back into her bed clothes she wondered what she could do for him. She looked down at her attire and changed into a top she knew he liked.

'Pitiful,' she said to herself, feeling the satin. Was that the best she could do? Then, suddenly inspired, she took out books, parchment, and quill and started working, wondering if the sun would appear before he did.

x

James trudged up the staircase, rubbing his hands together to warm them. It was almost three, Thursday. He hadn't even planned the lecture for his fourth year class later that morning. He knew he should go directly to his office and work, but Alice's complaints echoed in his ears. He'd just see her for a moment. Let her know he was back.

She was asleep on their bed, surrounded by sheets of parchment. He picked on up and inspected it in the dim moonlight that crept through the window.

_Darling girl_, he thought. She'd done it for him. She'd sat with him as he'd planned lessons enough times to know his general format. She knew the curriculum. And Merlin knew how well acquainted she was with the material.

The lecture was entirely written out, the activities bullet pointed, questions to pose to the class to make them think were scattered throughout, crowding the margins in red ink. With a flick of his wand the parchment was gathered into a neat pile and placed on the bedside table.

He looked down at her and shook his head in wonder. Carefully, he lay down next to her and watched her sleep for a moment.

Her slowly eyes opened, taking in the sight of him.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," he apologised. She shook her head and reached out for him, snuggling close. James didn't undress beyond kicking off his shoes and removing his tie. He just rested his head in the cradle between her neck and shoulder, and closed his eyes.

x

Politics.

...

'Why does it always come down to politics?' Sirius asked himself furiously as he stormed dramatically out of Witch Weekly's head office. Let them think Sirius Black is unstable, that'd stop them from asking so many damned questions. _He_ wrote the articles around here. He downright refused to be subjected to ghastly interviews and have some amateur write about _him_. If he wanted his opinions known he wouldn't write under a pseudonym. And he'd be damned if he'd let Glenda publicise _his_ life for the sake of _her_ ratings.

Sirius Black, of a dark pureblood family supporting muggleborn rights? He didn't love muggleborns as a group anymore than he did anyone else. He just loved _a_ muggleborn. And damn Glenda for knowing that. Just thinking back to his recent conversation with her caused Sirius' temper to flare again, accidentally shattering the chandeliers as he passed them. Glass rained down in his wake and the doors slammed loudly behind him of their own accord.

"Come now, Sirius," she had crooned, in a voice she assumed (incorrectly) was charming. He'd put up with it until now. "The world knows nothing about you but your pretty face."

"Which is more than they deserve."

"Honestly darling, you have to see what a smashing story it'd make. It'll be a sort of a follow-up piece to the Dover one you did just after Christmas."

"No."

"Just imagine the number of copies we'd sell with a headline like that! Sirius Black, pureblood family with dark tendencies, advocating muggleborn rights. The Light Black..."

"Let's get one thing straight. I am _not_ an advocate of muggleborn rights. I am an advocate of one thing, and one thing only and that is the welfare of Sirius Black. And such libel you seem so eager to spread goes against that interest, understand? Don't go painting me to be some kind of hero," he said getting up and heading for the door. "I'm not your man. I don't love muggleborns."

"Then what about your Lily Evans?" she asked with triumphant mockery. Sirius brandished his finger at her, just as intimidating as if it had been a wand.

"You leave her out of this," he snarled dangerously.

"Are you threatening me, Black?"

"_Yes_," he said in frighteningly dead set tone. "I _am_." He put a hand on either side of her desk and leaned over it to stare her down. "You print one word about her, or me, and you _**will**_ regret it. I have connections at the Prophet who will see to that."

This was a rather dark threat indeed, and Glenda Goodspeed didn't miss the insinuation. Everyone knew that the Daily Prophet was run by the supporters of the Dark Lord. And Sirius, as of two weeks before, was now 'in' with several such men. He was, among the pureblood circles, a pureblood supremacist. If she were to print her article, his new 'friends' would have his hide for their cauldron rags. Likewise, should his darker affiliations be made known, he'd get in trouble with the do-gooders. He would keep his opinions to himself and stay alive, thank you. Of course, he shouldn't have admitted to something like that to her. In his experience it was best not to admit anything at all to journalists. He would say nothing and remain a man of mystery. More importantly he'd remain a_ live_ man of mystery.

"Alright," she said at last. "I had no idea you felt that way..."

"Felt what way?" he asked, inviting her to make the same stupid mistake again.

"I thought you were...I mean, all those exposés you did about..."

"Voldemort?" he asked with a sneer.

She gasped at the use of the Dark Lord's name. She stared at him as if he were no longer a beautiful man, but transformed into some terrifying monster before her eyes. "You... you..."

"Am no more a Death Eater than you are," he assured her, but not without disdain.

When she seemed to realise she wasn't dealing with a _direct _follower of the Dark Lord found her nerve and rose to her feet indignantly. "But _I _don't associate the likes of _The Prophet_," she said, spitting it out as if it were a foul word.

Sirius had just about as much as he could take. "Please, you think you are so much better? Who do you think owns all those companies who put adverts in your _precious_ magazine, hmm? _**His**_ constituents, that's who." He was shouting but he didn't care. "Not only do you regularly accept money from Voldemort supporting businesses, but every time someone picks up a copy of Witch Weekly and sees an advert for broom polish or hair potion and goes out and buys those products, they are financing his terror campaign. So don't you shake your finger at me when you've done a hell of a lot more to harm muggles than I have, alright? Think about it."

"But..." She seemed too shocked to form complete sentences. "Without advertising... I... this magazine... it couldn't run and still make a..."

"Profit?" he asked angrily opening the door. Before he slammed it behind him he said, "And _I'm_ supposed to be the bad guy?"

Well, he assumed that if she hadn't taken that to mean he quit, he'd be fired anyway. Good. Either way he didn't have to go back there. He'd send Dasher along with his official resignation when he went home. He straddled his bike and it roared loudly as he started it up.

When he entered his own home, it was only out of habit that he first looked to the couch. He didn't actually expect to see his friend there anymore. He picked up the latest Prophet that had been delivered and scanned the front page.

"_Hell_." Right there, page one, was a picture of Lily's Euphrates, dead on the ground. He read the article quickly, taking it all with slightly more than a grain of salt. Of course it was obvious that they would want him dead, for he consistently made reports for the Order. All the other accusations of being a murderous vampire were probably fabricated so they had an excuse for doing it. Typical Ministry.

He pulled out his mirror and called for James. His friend's face appeared a moment later. Lily was with him, looking as if she were just barely holding it together.

"Are you free this afternoon?"

"I can make myself free," Sirius replied. Now was not the time to tell them he'd quit his job. In fact, he didn't know if he'd ever tell them. How would he explain it? He quit because he refused to be viewed as supporting muggleborns? He could hardly see _that_ going over too well.

It was too early for whiskey. He poured himself a glass of gin instead and sat down to stew. He glared at his drink, as if everything was _its_ fault. It was easier than blaming himself. He spent the next half hour trying to calm himself, taking his time as he sipped. Discovering that the bottom of his emptied glass afforded no solace or solutions to his many unvoiced problems, he suddenly threw vessel into the fireplace. The crash and violent shattering of pieces on the un-burning logs wasn't nearly satisfying enough.

He stalked upstairs and into his bedroom. His feet took him across the room and his hands automatically reached into a drawer to pull something out, as if that had been the plan his mind had been working on without his knowledge the past half hour. Taking the object he stood in front of the mirror. He glared at his own reflection for a moment before doing it. And then...

_Nothing_.

He was just blankly observing a man in a mirror wearing black robes, a necklace, and an expression of _perfect indifference_.

_**Author's note:**__To Blindedbylight,_

_I'm ashamed to say that when I first wrote this chapter this author's note was to apologise to my faithful readers. It wasn't fair that those who cared would suffer because others don't. I was going to drop Every Other Midnight because it seems interest in it had gone down and I wanted to do something else with my time. But your message changed that. Thank you, Blindedbylight, I'm touched. Without your encouragement this story would be over as of now. You flatter me far beyond what I deserve. I will strive to someday be worthy of it._


	60. In Which Aim is Brought into Question

Thank you everyone for your encouragement! You are there after all! I wish you could have seen me smiling as I read every review. Actually, no I don't. My smile is more of a sneer. But anyway I really _really_ _**really**_ appreciate your reviews.

**And now, a rant, because I'm horribly angry (or _was_, at the time that I wrote this yesterday). **Some of you may know, from past author's notes, that I don't exactly have the best luck in the world... I mean, since I've been back in Ireland I _had _harboured the tiny hope that perhaps, this time around, I might avoid any involvement with the police (which here are called the Gardai) that crime would leave me alone, that criminals would give me a break for once.

I hope for too much, that's always been my problem.

Like a good little insomniac, I was still awake at 5 45 in the morning, thinking that in a few minutes I'd start on that project that was due later today, when I heard a strange noise coming from the kitchen. Wondering which of my housemates were mad enough to be up at such an ungodly hour of the morning I went in to see.

At first I thought I must have imagined the sound because no one was there. I don't know which would have been worse, being delusional and imagining things, or not being delusional and seeing a scruffy man with a crowbar trying to force his way into my home.

At first I was too stunned to do anything but stare as he worked away trying to pry open the window. Then when I saw that he'd broken the glass I got suddenly angry. (Strange that I hadn't been angry until that point.) I'm not proud of what I said then, and I'm sure my mother would be rather shocked by it too. Anyway, after the unladylike comment that I bellowed the man finally realised that he had an audience and stared at me in shock just as I was staring at him.

THEN, if you can believe this, he had the gall, the nerve, the shameless effrontery to shush me! He put his finger to his lips and actually shushed me! He breaks into MY home, breaks MY window, and shushes _me_? Who was he to tell me what to do? (Besides a large man/criminal with a crowbar trying to break into my house) In any case, more than anything thitherto, this incensed me most. I mean, if you are a burglar, _**you **_should be the one to be quiet.

"Don't you dare shush me!" I shouted indignantly. (My friend points out that this is a very Kathryn reaction and I've decided to take it as a compliment.)

He ran away. For a moment I wanted to run out the front door after him, but then I remembered the front door was locked, and I'd need my key to get out, and my keys are always buried or lost somewhere and I'd have to go into my room and search for them and by the time I'd actually find them he'd be long gone. That and I'd tried going after thieves in the past. It had ended badly. I learn from my mistakes, and did not act on this angry impulse.

Furious that I'd had no choice but let the bastard get away after all, I went to try to knock on my housemates' doors to tell them what had just transpired so they could commiserate with me at the injustice of it all. They didn't wake up.

That left the internet. I wrote a rather angry email in the heat of the moment to my pen pal of sorts, because her name was first there on my inbox. After that I spoke to a friend who was online at the time and ranted about it all.

"You should probably call the police, just as a formality," she told me.

"I was hoping to avoid this..." I typed back.

"Avoid what?"

"Giving another statement to the authorities... brb." There was no way I'd finish my project in time and get to class now...

I rang the Gardai and they came by, inspected the damage, asked me questions, blah blah blah, all that nonsense again. The only good thing that came of it was that they gave me their details so that my harpy of a land lady can't pin us for the damages. Oh, and there had been a lot of burglaries in the area, but I was the first one to actually see what they looked like. So they now had description to go on. That's something at least.

By the time the gardai left it was 9 o'clock. It was then my phone went off. Kieran, asking me if we were still on for this morning. I had completely forgotten. I texted back saying, no, someone's just tried to break into my house and I'm still a bit of a wreck, there is no way I'll be ready in time. He was very understanding, and said we'd arrange another time to meet, promising me there would be a comforting hug waiting for me when we did.

My housemates began coming downstairs to start their day and I told them what happened. They were all shocked and terrified. No one seemed to be angry like I was. "He **shushed **me!" I explained.

"Why our house, like?" Mary asked. "Why us?"

"Because Kathryn Lynn lives here," I replied sarcastically.

"And what if you'd come in 5 minutes later, like. He'd be inside and couldn't get out again and he'd've beat ya over the head with the crowbar, and then come in and murdered the rest of us while we were sleepin." Mary has a bit of a frantic imagination. She's a bit silly at times but I like her. "Or if you hadn't been up at all and he'd robbed us blind and _then_ murdered us all in our beds."

"Insomnia saves the day," I said drily.

"You're like the hero."

"I always wanted to be a hero when I was little." Which was entirely true. Still is, as a matter of fact. What would by super-persona be, I wonder. Sarcasm girl? Wrong-place-wrong-time woman? Or should I stick to my already popular American sobriquet of 'Miss Sassy Pants'?

"We should order a pizza and watch movies tonight and celebrate that you stopped us from being robbed and killed."

"Ok, Mary..."

Best line of the day came from Rodger. Denise had said, "God, I'd a run from the room screaming."

To which Rodger replied. "That's probably what he thought _you'd_ do," he said, nodding to me. "I mean, you are a girl..." I looked down at myself. Yep. Definitely a girl. Then he added (to my delight) "Obviously he didn't know you were Kathryn."

I decided to take this as a compliment rather than an insult to my femininity. Although I _don't_ know if I can convince myself that the sign he jokingly posted on the door is flattering...

**_BEWARE OF KATHRYN..._**

_Anyway, __on to the chapter... You said you wanted them long... heh heh heh... Your wish, is my command._

_(Kater, Remus in this chapter is all for you. He made me sniffle... )_

_But before that, have a bit of (necessary!) fluff... this chappie is full of warm cuddles._

_**Chapter 60**_ (only forty or so more to go... _sigh_...)

The previous day's clear skies held. The morning sun shed its light through the window, caressing Lily's sleeping face, kissing her eyelids awake.

James only wished he'd thought of it first. Well, he reasoned with a smile, eyelids weren't the only kissable regions. This _was_ Lily after all. Just about anywhere was fair game. He gripped the satin fabric under his fingers, pressing into her waist as he began his campaign, starting with the collar bone and moving his way up.

"You're up early," she said, grinning. To James' utter delight, he noticed that one eyebrow quirked upwards. He _loved_ when she made dirty jokes.

"Mmhmm." He carried on with his work. Her hands went about removing the work robes in which he had fallen asleep. Minutes went by and he tried to tell her something, but as the words passed his lips they were muffled against her skin.

"What?"

He stopped for just a moment. "Alice and Frank only spend one night a week together."

"Frustrating," she commented, sounding far from frustrated herself.

"I know." He continued a while further before stopping again.

"_Stay with me every night_." Even he couldn't tell if this was a request or a command, it had been uttered too breathlessly to really tell. He moved along her jaw and finally to her mouth. Eventually he pulled away again. "No more nights in the Astronomy Tower." Another kiss. "No more nights in the Shrieking Shack." And another. "No more of anything but me." He settled his weight on top of her and she shifted to better accommodate him. She was too distracted to respond so he removed his hand from where it had been so she could focus on his words and not his actions. She didn't seem pleased at the interruption and her own hand reached down to continue where he left off. He stopped her, grabbing her wrist and pinning it away.

"Promise me," he growled. One night a week simply wasn't good enough. Never would be.

"Only you from now on, I got it," she said, shifting her hips for the contact she wanted. He purposefully moved his pelvis away.

"Not until you say 'I promise, James.'"

"I promise, James."

Having got what _he_ wanted, he rewarded her by giving her what _she_ wanted.

x

"You big bully," she sighed. She'd remind herself to be angry with him after this was over. He was using his body to get her to make promises again but she was too absorbed in the moment to be angry.

Things had settled down only a minute before her alarm went off. James groaned, only just having got comfortable. She reached over and turned it off, removing James' arm from around her and sliding out of bed, slipping into his cloak to protect her from the chill.

James squinted at the timepiece.

"Why would you want to get up at a quarter past six?"

"I have things to do this morning. I have to post new announcements on the bulletin board, return library books, talk to Madame Pince about--"

"Eat breakfast," he added pointedly.

"Yes of course, that was on the list too."

His brows furrowed as if he didn't believe her.

"Well it is now, happy?"

She hastily dressed and gathered her things.

"Oh, and I made some notes for you. They're... they're..." She stepped closer to the bed, looking around for the parchment.

"I know, I saw," he said, reaching out to take her hand and pull her down to sit next to him. He brushed the hair away from her face and kissed her. "Thank you."

"It was the little enough," she replied modestly, although secretly elated that he was so pleased with her efforts. He kissed her again and for a moment she thought she might just stay cuddled up in bed with him for another hour, but that impulse was immediately abandoned. She had to see Remus.

Seeing as she was short for time, she ran there on all fours. Once back in human form she sent her Patronus to Aberforth, letting him know she and Remus would soon be there. The snow crunched under her feet, and she was careful to wipe away her prints. She would only be inside for a few minutes, but she didn't want to risk detection. She shook the snow from her shoes before entering, merely by habit. It wasn't as if their dripping would ruin the carpets.

x

"Remus," said a voice, rousing him from his sleep. "Remus, you awake?" It sounded like Lily, but it reeked of James.

"Mmm..."

She shook his shoulders. "Come on sunshine. Up. Need to breakfast you and take you over to the Hogshead."

"Breakfast me?"

"Well, it might not be a usual approach to English grammar but it suits."

Eyes still closed, he shrugged and opened his mouth, waiting to be 'breakfasted' while trying to continue sleeping. He suspected this ploy wouldn't have worked normally, and it was only because he was terribly ill that she humoured him. She had been feeding him up until now; it would be petulant to stop just because he was taking her for granted. Thinking that made him feel slightly guilty. He truly did appreciate what she did.

After he chewed and swallowed his first mouthful he said, "Thank you Lily."

"How are you feeling?"

"Better, I suppose. Everything is getting better, slowly but certainly. Last night I even--" He stopped himself short before completing the sentence.

"What?"

He carried on, face slightly pink. "I used the chamber pot all by myself."

She giggled. "Well done, Remus!"

"Don't mock me!"

"I'm not mocking you! It's just... well... you must admit it is slightly amusing. First the refusing to take a bath, then being able to use the toilet on your own, being spoon fed. You know what you sound like..."

"A child?" he said with a pout, realising only too late that this probably only reaffirmed the impression. Lily looked as if she were fighting the urge to do something. He found out what it was a moment later, because apparently she lost the fight and gave into the impulse, hugging him tightly.

"You are just so loveable."

Remus knew Lily was giving _him_merit that was entirely her own. He was in no way loveable, it was her ability in loving all and sundry that that was the cause for her dutiful affection.

He was too weak to push her away, neither did he argue. If she wanted to think he was loveable, he'd let her go on thinking it... for now.

The trek across the street to the Hogshead was harder than it had ever been for Remus. He refused to let Lily magically float him there, so he leaned on her heavily as they made their slow progress. Each step was faltering, trembling. His knees buckled on several occasions and he ended up kneeling in the snow multiple times. She always picked up back up again, offering her encouragement and leading him onwards.

Aberforth wasn't as patient and wanted to magic him up the stairs. At that point Remus was so exhausted from his walk over there that he might have well ceded to this plan but Lily would have none of it.

"No," she said firmly. "He's going to do it himself."

"Yer doin' it for him as it is, half carryin 'im like that."

"Be that as it may," was all she said. It seemed to be enough, neither Aberforth nor Remus made any further objections. The cot was already prepared and Remus had naught but to fall into it.

"I think that's enough for one day" he groaned, leaning back into his makeshift bed and closing his eyes, planning on not opening them for 12 hours. He thanked both Lily and Aberforth before snuggling in. They continued to speak about a few things but he didn't listen, he let the sound of their voices wash over him, her soft melodic tones and his scratchy grumble.

He was half asleep when he was roused again by the feel of Lily's fingers stroking the stubble on his chin. At least, he hoped it was Lily. Aberforth didn't seem the type to be inclined to such gestures, but you never knew with Dumbledores. He pried his sleepy eyes open to meet green ones gazing down at him.

"I'll be back tonight."

"Right. Thanks again. Both of you."

She kissed his forehead, a gesture he was becoming accustomed to, and his eyes drooped closed again. His body ached from exhaustion and it felt good not to be moving. He realised how pathetic he truly was, he'd only walked down the street and already he was tired. It didn't help that the full moon wasn't far away, adding to his feebleness.

Remus heard the door close as the pair descended those overly noisy wooden steps, Aberforth grumbling something about bothersome young people which caused Lily to laugh at him, despite his crotchety demeanour.

x

She had very little time to get to class, but she had promised James to have breakfast so she stopped in the Great Hall, grabbed two pieces of toast and an apple and dash out again. She had to run back up to her room, get school things, post those announcements on the board, and get to class. Oh, and the library books, she had to return those too. She chomped the apple, leaving it in her mouth so she had at least one hand free to fumble through her bag as she jogged up the stairs.

James was coming down them just as she was going up. She pointed to her apple and lifted her toast into the air as if to say 'See? I'm breakfasting like you told me.'

She flew passed him and he called after her jokingly. "You're going to choke if you eat and run at the same time!"

She didn't bother turning around, she simply threw her hands into the air in careless acknowledgement of his words, accidentally knocking off a Ravenclaw 4th year's hat.

She arrived just on time to her first class. Breathlessly, she collapsed into her seat next to Roo.

"Running late this morning, were we?" he commented casually.

"Lots of things to do," she explained, wiping away toast crumbs from her mouth. "Don't forget we have a meeting with the prefects tomorrow. I've written out the agenda for you." She rifled through her bag to find it.

"I've been meaning to ask you, how--"

"Shh shh." Professor Flitwick was beginning his lecture.

It was well into the second hour of the lesson when she felt it. _The tug_.

She gasped, dropping her quill.

"Lily?" Rupert whispered, confused and slightly concerned. "What? Did you forget something?"

"_Mercury_," she whispered back. "He's there."

"What?"

She couldn't explain how she knew, she just did. Mercury was, at that very moment, within the boundaries of her ward. The knowledge pulled at her heart. She had an hour off before lunch was served, if he was still there she might go see him.

Her mind was brought back to the classroom by Rupert taking hold of her hand, which had still been frozen as if it held a quill, poised to take notes. Her eyes focused and she turned to him.

"What is it?" he asked again. She realised that she had failed to answer him the first time. She chanced a look at professor Flitwick, wondering if she dared discuss something as weighty as this in the front of a classroom filled with people, not 10 feet from the professor himself. She decided she wouldn't risk it.

Pulling her hand out of his, she picked up her quill where it had fallen (and splattered over her notes blotting out some unimportant words) and scribbled on his page, '_later'_.

20 minutes thereafter the lesson ended and Lily almost walked out of the classroom before performing the charm for Flitwick. She and Rupert then left, heading downstairs, passed both of their rooms down to the flagstone floor that separated the Great Hall from the large front doors to the castle.

"Mercury, the unicorn, you met him. He's in my ward right now."

"Number one, how do you know? And number two, what does it matter?"

"I put my..." she couldn't say 'blood' so she substituted it for "heart into that ward. I can feel it, he's there. He's rather heavy." Rupert seemed to know she wasn't talking about the unicorn's physical weight.

"Are you going out there?" he asked. Lily hadn't even realised her feet were taking her that direction.

"I suppose I am."

"Am I going with you?"

"Do you want to?"

He shrugged, shouldering his bag into a better position and fell in step beside her.

'_If James knew I was doing this he'd kill me._'

She glanced towards his window, she knew exactly which one was his, and hoped he wasn't looking out onto the grounds right at that moment. She suddenly clutched at Rupert's arm.

_He wasn't in his room._ He was within the ward too, now.

"What?"

"We have to go back."

"What?"

"Or Hagrid's. We can go to Hagrid's."

_The weight was overwhelming now_.

"What are you on about? First this now that, is there a reason behind the madness?"

_She might just fall over_.

"Sorry Roo. Let's just forget it. I'll see you in Transfiguration."

"You're coming with me. It's lunchtime, or will be soon enough."

"Right..." she said faintly. "Right."

She thought she understood how Remus felt that very morning, as she leaned against Rupert for support. It didn't make any difference, her body was simply confused. She carried no weight, there was no reason for her knees to sway, buckle, then sway again. If she were lying down on her bed she would feel the pull just as strongly as when she stood. Her body and mind were simply trying to react to something it could _not_ understand in a way that it _could_.

After a moment of convincing herself that she was in no way physically hindered, it worked. She released her vice grip on Roo's poor arm and began walking normally again.

_She loved James, she really did._

"You alright?" her friend asked tentatively.

"Yes. Sorry, it's this ward thing. It's tricky to keep a hold of."

"Bad form on Potter's part to make you carry that burden instead of him."

"No," she defended immediately. "The ward was my idea. It's an experiment of sorts. He didn't ask me to do this particular one. In fact, he doesn't even--"

"Know?"

Guilt shifted within her, taking the emotional spotlight. "Precisely. It was my doing, I'll take whatever comes with it."

Lily felt James' finger run along her magical being. He must have knelt down to inspect the security measures, making sure they were still in place for the afternoon's lesson. She felt it with certainty but was unable to point at the exact location within her where the sensation came from. Again, her body reacted, shuddering at the touch. She was reminded of him that morning, and flushed.

As they went back Lily tried to focus on where her magic came from, where it was in her body, in her being. She could no more easily do that than she could pinpoint the location of her soul.

Out of habit, she supposed, she turned to go downstairs rather than cross the floor to enter the Great Hall.

"Where are we going now?" Rupert asked, half exasperatedly, half curiously.

"Kitchens."

They had already finished eating by the time lunch was ready to be served in the Great Hall above. When she felt James leave the protection of the ward she and Roo left to go back outside, only to run into James entering the castle just as they were leaving it.

He furrowed his brows at her and pointed imperiously towards the Great Hall.

"I already did!" she huffed, pointing down to the floor to indicate the kitchens. "I have a witness."

James looked Rupert up and down, shrugged as if convinced, and went in to eat his own lunch.

"I'm not even going to ask," Rupert said.

"That's probably best."

"You will tell me one day, won't you?"

"Tell you what?"

Rupert sighed. "Never mind."

The ward was just as she'd left it. It hadn't snowed since yesterday, and she could clearly see her and James' footprints from the day before as well as the fresh ones he'd just made.

Mercury, it seemed, was running along the inside of the border, almost frantically. He must have sensed her as she sensed him. Did that mean that others would feel a sense of 'Lily' when they stepped within? She'd know in another four paces.

When Rupert's foot crossed the line it appeared that only she felt the effect. He seemed entirely unimpressed.

"It's just that red line, is it?" he asked.

"That's it."

"What about the blue one?"

"That's his. It's a line of discernment rather than a protective ward."

"Line of discernment?"

"It's like... alright you know how in some districts they have age lines, where you can't cross the premise of said establishment if you are too young?"

Rupert grinned at the oblique reference to the pleasure trade. "Yes."

"A line of discernment isn't much different in practice, however it doesn't exactly tell old from young, but friend from foe." She could feel Mercury approaching.

"I see. And yours?"

"Mine is a barrier."

"Of what?"

"I'm not entirely sure."

"What did it say in the book?"

Lily looked away, pretending to hear the hoof beats she knew would be approaching soon anyway. Really it was just a ploy to not answer his question. She hadn't learned it from a book, she'd learned it from a Death Eater; she'd merely modified it a little bit. _Lil Bit._ That had been his nickname for her. Thankfully, she was prevented from dwelling on him by the arrival of her favourite unicorn.

"Hello my darling," she cooed. His coat was shining and sleek with sweat and kicked up snow. "Why have you been exhausting yourself, running around like this?"

The answer, although she couldn't hear it, came to her anyway. He had been looking for her. Poor thing must have been very confused to feel her presence throughout but not be able to find her.

They walked around a bit to cool him off, Rupert keeping at a respectful distance behind them.

x

James sat at his desk, preparing for his next lesson. Seventh years. For the first time in over a month, he would have Lily back in his classroom.

"Get a hold of yourself, man. You've taught her before, it's not any different," he told himself.

But it _was_ different. He would be deceiving himself to say otherwise. But would it be so strange? He'd admitted to having been in love with her while she was still in his class and some how he had managed to get by. They were concealing so much from the world already, this was just one more thing they had to hide.

No doubt Lily wasn't worried about this at all. She'd walk right in, sit down and pretend like there was nothing between them. She'd make it look so simple. He, on the other hand, would be fumbling through his lecture trying not to think of her or look at her and hope that the rest of the class didn't catch on.

Oh this would be a disaster. Perhaps he could send her away on some errand the moment she came into the classroom. But that scheme would become obvious after a while. And there was no chance he would be able to convince her to drop his class, not when it was so important to her future career.

To his dismay he heard the classroom begin to fill, students' voices echoed in the roomy chamber as a knell, summoning him to his fate. Resigned, he gathered his parchment and strode out of his office.

He watched Lily enter the classroom and take her seat next to Rupert as she always did and he sighed in relief. Lily was just Lily. She wasn't any different. She wasn't scary. Why had he been afraid?

This was going to be easier than he thought...

x

_This was going to be harder than she thought..._

Lily was uncomfortably aware of his eyes on her, and she made her way to her seat without glancing towards his desk. 'Just don't look at him,' she told herself. She made a business of taking out her things, arranging them neatly on her desk, opening her book and flipping through pages in what she hoped looked like a casual manner.

Rupert distracted her well enough for the next three minutes as the rest of the class trickled in, but after James began his lecture she was forced to pay attention. She tried to concentrate on the material, she really did, but to her very great annoyance, one thought preoccupied her mind as she watched him. And it was the stupidest, most useless of all possible thoughts.

_I've seen him naked_.

Of all the ridiculous things! She was so angry with herself for not being able to concentrate. She tried to listen to his words but all she could think of was what he had done to her that very morning. The words he had panted in her ear would have caused uproarious scandal should they ever be repeated to the likes of his current audience.

She couldn't let this affect her. She needed to be professional about it. Until that moment came she would just stare out the window instead of at him, to spare her cheeks from burning.

She set her quill to transcribe as she stared out at the forest. His voice now a pleasant murmur in the background of her mind. They'd left Mercury within the ward and she could tell he was still there. Perhaps one of these nights she could convince James to come out with her and they could all three go about the forest for an hour or two. That is if he could spare the time. Tonight? Perhaps, but he'd already promised Hagrid they'd visit. Lily decided to run the idea by him that they dine at the Hogshead together. She knew the half giant went there often enough and it would be an easy way to check on Remus without having to sneak out from under James'--

She felt something whoosh in her direction. Her hand, already on her wand, reacted before her mind did. She was on her feet so suddenly the chair beneath her scooted back and toppled over as she deflected the oncoming curse, ready to throw one back. When she saw cocky grin of its sender, she shot one back anyway in childish retaliation, which he easily blocked.

"Are you mad? Who knows what I might have done to you!" she said angrily, which only seemed to please James more.

"Just testing you to make sure you were paying attention."

"And?"

"And while you have excellent reflexes I'd be willing to wager my broomstick you couldn't tell me what I was talking about."

She glanced down at her page of transcribed text. She scanned above the conversation they were currently having to what he had said before he had attacked her. She silently stopped her quill from writing.

"You said that while it might feel like a comfort to look to divination as a method of fighting the dark arts, it would be unwise to rely on it to any specific extent, and doing so can often lead you astray, for there are dark arts that can tamper with divinitive arts to purposefully mislead."

Wordlessly she vanished evidence that she had had the quill taking notes for her by wiping parts of it blank, protecting it from being revealed. He snatched the parchment up from her desk and inspected it, finding that it didn't contain the information she had just repeated. She couldn't help adding cheekily, "Which was slightly off the topic, wouldn't you say?"

He tried something to reveal what the rest of the parchment contained, but without the password it was fruitless.

_You'll have to try better than that, Potter_, it scrawled, under her direction. She knew she wasn't fooling him one bit, but that wasn't the point. She was maintaining her image with the rest of the class. She could tell James was trying his best not to laugh, and he could only barely contain his smile. His dimples were betraying him as they appeared in his cheeks and his chin.

"Very well Evans. Have a point for Gryffindor."

A single point might as well have been nothing, but she understood the meaning. He was giving her stunt the credit it was due... a negligible amount. She reminded herself that no matter how much they might enjoy it, she shouldn't show him up in lessons. Professors were to be respected and she didn't want other students to lose respect for him simply because she didn't display any. She did, of course, deeply admire and respect him, but she would have a hard time going back to being just a lowly pupil.

She righted her chair and sat back down. Taking up her quill she started to genuinely take notes, the preoccupations that plagued her in the beginning of the class no longer troubled her.

The second half of the lesson was to be spent practicing for what they would be doing out on the grounds. James had yet to fully explain the rules to them, though Lily had a fairly good idea. He only told them that they should practice everything they'd done so far this year. Some people started duelling, others started making protective talismans, and others tried conjuring their patronus.

"What charm did you use on those notes?" he asked casually as he observed the rest of the class.

"Simple _palaclave._"

"Ah, so what was the password?"

"Your name."

He chuckled. "Wouldn't have thought of that, tis true. So tell me, what on earth were you thinking about that was so much more interesting than my lecture?"

"Waking up his morning," she replied easily. Even if anyone were listening in they wouldn't have a clue as to what she was referring. While it was partly true, she was mainly saying it to just get a rise out of him, which it didn't. The corner of his mouth only quirked up in a grin. It slightly annoyed her how easily he played it, while she had sat there suffering from her own stupidity.

"Well done, Ferris," James complimented, seeing Rupert successfully conjure a corporeal patronus. "Will you two practice duelling next?"

Rupert eyed Lily askance. "I think not, Professor."

James nodded in understanding and began making his rounds through the students, helping them when they needed help and encouraging when they needed encouragement. Lily beamed inwardly. He was just so good at all he did.

The hour ended and everyone was asked to leave everything but their wands in the classroom. As a group they walked down the many flights of stairs through the castle same as all the other students.

They waited on the front steps for the 6th years. James marked their names off the attendance list until the last of them arrived. When all were assembled he led them into the forest, Lily and Rupert bringing up the rear. She braced herself, Roo gripped her elbow to support her. James was the first to cross the boundary, she felt that. The rest of the class entered and she had to stop walking and lean up against a tree. Roo stayed there with her, making sure she kept her feet. As more and more students crossed the line, more and more tears fell down her cheeks. She didn't feel sadness, so she didn't exactly know why she was crying. Roo must have misinterpreted her tears, for he hugged her tightly. Surprisingly, the embrace balanced the weight within her, made it bearable. Was it Roo's emotional support, rather than the physical, that steadied her?

"Thank you, it helps," she choked out.

x

"You see this red line? You are not, under any circumstance, to go beyond it. I know from painful experience that there is a very large and very violent three headed dog in these parts, so unless you prefer death, stay within the designated area. And all you wise-wizards who think you can cross the line and come back unharmed, remember that I'm certified to use the unforgivables, and I won't be feeling very forgiving if I've found out you've gone against my order. Is that understood?"

"Yes, Professor Potter," the class replied.

"Good. In a moment you will be split up into two teams. No, don't worry, it won't be 6th years versus 7th years," he reassured, seeing the terrified looks on one of the younger girls. "Within your team you will chose a partner. You are to look after one another, defend one another. Your partner's successes are your successes; their injuries are your failures. Send up red sparks if you and your partner find yourselves in too much trouble for you to handle.

"Now, each team has a pennant which they will take and guard on their half of the enclosure." He held up two distinctive banners. "The goal is to capture the opposing team's pennant and bring it back to your own side. Note, if your partner falls and you alone bring back the banner, this will not count as a victory. So let me emphasise again how important teamwork is. Your partner should have your back and you should have his. Or hers," he added, acknowledging the females of the class. "Once you've retrieved the flag and brought it back, send up a blue sparks. Is that understood?"

"Yes Professor Potter."

"It's completely up to your team how many people you will have stay and guard your pennant and how many will go search for the other team's. Keep in mind the more seekers you have, the more likely you will capture it. However, the fewer defenders you have, the more likely yours will be stolen. Discuss it as a team."

He had already divided up the years, putting their names in a sack. He started with the sixth years, pulling slips of parchment out at random. "Andrews, team A! Wippet, team B! Bracegirdle, Team A!"

They began to separate into different groups, friends obviously looking put out to be sorted into opposing teams. It wasn't until he finished reading out the 7th years, handed each team their pennant and sent them off to discuss their strategy that he realised Lily and Ferris weren't there.

Scanning the area, he spotted them beyond the clump of trees, still outside the line. Not only outside the line but tightly clasped in each others' arms. 'Interesting,' he thought, feeling somewhat prickly. "Ferris!" he barked. The boy turned around but didn't pull away, to James' slight annoyance. Seeing his professor standing there glaring at him he turned back to Lily and whispered something in her ear. She nodded and they finally broke apart and approached him.

"Care to join the rest of the class?"

"Sorry Professor. My fault. I er..." Ferris began but James didn't really want to hear it.

"Yes yes, I'm sure," James interrupted. "Go on, you're both team B." Rupert nodded and walked off towards the left. "No cheating," he whispered to her out of the side of his mouth. "You are to remain human at all times."

"What _are_ we allowed?"

"You're allowed _a wand_. Do with it what you will."

When he finally looked down at Lily he noticed something odd about her. Something different. There was a new quality in her eyes, a depth that simply called out to him and he understood why Ferris had embraced her so tightly. He felt the same urge, to just take her in, help her in some way. Taking a look around to make sure Rupert's back was still turned, he quickly leaned in to steal a kiss.

That had been the plan anyway. Unfortunately she turned her head the exact moment he went in, and his chin collided with her cheek bone.

"Ow," she said numbly, putting her hand to her face, wandering away in that same dazed trance in which she seemed to be mired, leaving James by himself to rub his sore jaw. Ferris turned around, observing the two injuries and chuckled as he put a hand on James' shoulder.

"You know, for a former famous Quidditch Chaser, one would think you'd have better aim..."

James' head snapped around to face the boy, eyes wide and fearfully questioning. Ferris wriggled his eyebrows knowingly and jogged after Lily, putting an arm around her shoulders as they joined their team, leaving a thoroughly shocked James to blink stupidly after him.

_Ferris knew? _Since when? Why hadn't Lily told him that she had let her friend know? James sighed and ruffled his hair. _Well that was embarrassing. _Being caught like a teenager was bad enough, but to add insult to injury (literally) his Quidditch abilities had been brought into question! His aim was spectacular; he had the best Chasing record in recent Hogwarts history. He was made an offer by the Winbourne Wasps when he was still in 6th year! But that was beside the point.

Ferris knew, and James didn't know how to feel about it. Should he be relieved that the boy knew Lily was taken? Or worried that yet another person held the power to ruin their lives by telling. No, Ferris wouldn't do that to Lily, surely. Not intentionally, anyway.

James didn't have time to make any decisions about it now; he had a very important lesson to oversee.

x

Both Lily and Rupert joined the rest of their team as they discussed how they would go about it. Alice Hart went up to Roo and asked if he would be her partner. He politely declined, saying he was already with Lily. They hadn't discussed this, but Lily didn't mind him taking that small liberty. Alice looked disappointed, but went back to take her place next to Victoria, who gave her a sympathetic look before flashing a glare at Lily. She sighed, thinking that she would never be able to get on White's good side. Lily liked Victoria, she did, but she was always somehow doing things to anger her. Or perhaps Victoria went out of her way to find things to dislike in Lily.

"Right, now that we are all here," continued Davies in an authoritative voice, "I'd say we leave a small party here to defend and send most everyone else out to search. The best defence is a good offence and all that..."

"One can tell he's a Gryffindor chaser," Lily whispered to Roo. He smiled and squeezed her shoulders. She wondered how much harder this would be if he weren't there.

Mercury was standing with James, she could feel it. And now that she thought about it, she could feel the rest of the class too. It was bizarre, it felt as if the class were tromping across Lily herself, instead of this acreage of land.

It was decided that Lily, Rupert, Alice and Victoria would stay back and defend their pennant. Four people was a small contingency, but they were all fourth years and capable. Actually the plan had been to leave Lily and Rupert alone to guard it, but the other two girls had insisted on staying as well. The four went off to hide their pennant and the rest huddled together as Davies told them what their strategy would be. Apparently he was the self appointed captain of this team as well.

The first thing Lily did was put an anti summoning charm on it, so the other team couldn't _accio_ it right out of their hands. Next was a 'notice-me-not' charm, followed by disillusionment, to hide its bright colour to match that of its surroundings.

Deciding that a group of four huddled in one place would be far too obvious, they spread out, each person the corner of a box with the flag in the centre.

"We don't want to hurt anyone, but we don't want them to wake up and start fighting again, so let's go with a simply stunner, alright?" Roo said. He had taken over seeing as the girls were less likely to favour Lily's suggestions than they were his... even if they were the exact same ideas. "And make sure you get both members of each pair. We don't want them reviving each other."

There was a large _CRACK _in the distance, signifying the start of the game, or whatever it was. For several minutes they simply sat there silently in the snow. Waiting. It was a few minutes before she felt the first one fall. A sixth year Hufflepuff, Elizabeth Eason. Her breath caught in her chest as she felt the force of it hit her. Several more minutes and then another, and another. She took deep steadying breaths to calm herself.

"Lily? Are you alright?" Rupert whispered loudly from across the way.

"Shh!" commanded White.

She didn't have Roo to lean on this time, and she needed support now more than ever. If only she were on the offensive team, she thought. She could feel the four boys, sitting still, just as they were, protecting their own banner. It was very near where she met the Circe the day before.

Lily knew red sparks would be shot into the air before they became visible in the sky. She felt it hit. Almost an hour passed and no one even approached, they didn't even see members of their own team. It had to stop. She couldn't take it anymore. She wasn't strong enough for this. She knew where it was, she'd end it herself. It might be cheating, but how would anyone know?

_Accio Viola!_

She got up from her crouched position in the snow and walked over the Rupert.

"What is it?" he asked, standing up as well.

White whispered furiously, "What are you doing? Get down."

They both ignored her.

"Take this," she said, taking off her necklace and putting it around Roo's neck. She then put on the same camouflage and notice-me-not charm on him as she had on the actual flag.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going after it. I feel every hit anyone takes; if this ward gets any heavier I'll crack. You stay here and protect the pennant."

"We can't split up."

"The girls will have your back."

"Who will have yours?" he asked sceptically. James' broom whooshed to her side and she jumped on.

"The wind."

She performed a disillusionment charm on herself as she rose above the trees and flew past. Within moments she was above them, she could see all four standing around their flag in a similar pattern they themselves had. Quietly, she descended, careful not to hit any tree branches on her way down. She didn't even bother with stunners, a simple impedimenta times four would do well enough, she'd be gone before they even noticed they'd been hit.

Silently, she jinxed all of them in turn, swooped down, snatched the flag and flew off before they could start moving.

In another few aching heartbeats she was back on her side again.

"That was fast," Rupert said upon her return.

"You alright?"

"Fine."

"Good."

Lily sent a thundering firework into the air, signifying the end of the game. She just couldn't wait for it to be over with and for everyone to get off so she could lift the ward and finally be free. Unfortunately it took another thirty minutes for everyone to gather around James, and then spread out to find their fallen teammates and bring them round again. Most people, it turned out, had come away inexplicably unscathed, despite being hit by various curses. _Most_ people. Some, as Lily knew, came away with some minor injuries, but only one major blow that resulted in James being summoned to help. Lily had felt them all, and rather suspected that she had her ward had somehow taken the brunt of these blows.

Once everyone was found, revived and attendance taken one last time to make sure everyone was there, they trooped back out. She waited until the rest were gone ahead.

Lily lifted the ward with another loud _boom_ and all of a sudden she could breathe again. The abrupt loss of pressure was so dizzying, she thought she'd float right into the air...

She fell over instead, and for some strange reason started laughing wildly. The sudden freedom causing her to succumb to a sort of hysteria. She didn't know how long she lay there cackling in the snow, but at some point James and Rupert appeared to haul her back onto her feet.

"What's got into you?" James asked.

She was too busy giggling to respond.

"Lils? Did you take down the ward?" Roo asked.

She nodded drunkenly.

"That'd be it," he said assuredly. "She's intoxicated with freedom I expect."

"I'll take her from here." James wrapped an arm around her waist and she leaned against his shoulder. He smelled like James, not surprisingly.

"I'll see you later, Lily."

"Bye Rooey." The blond boy went off to the castle after the rest of the class.

"Come on Red, snap out of it. I can't take you to Hagrid's like this. He'll think the worst of me."

"Can we go to the Hogshead?" she asked.

"No. You are drunk enough as it is, my dear. Though how exactly that came about, I'm still a little confused."

"I'm not drunk," she said, trying her best to sound it. "Just a bit light headed. I need something to bring me back down."

"Like what?"

Thinking that Rupert's embrace had been rather steadying, she said, "Perhaps if you kissed me."

James looked at her oddly. "Are you really Lily?"

"Find out," she challenged. "That is, if you think you can actually find my mouth this time."

"There is nothing wrong with my aim!" he defended violently. "I was made an offer by the Wasps when I was--"

"Still in 6th year..." she said as if bored from a lecture she'd already hear multiple times. "Mere words," she said, waving her hand in the air as if she were shooing away his words as easily as she could scatter and dispel flies.

She thought for a moment that this argument was rather effective on its own in bringing her down from her high, if only she could keep him going for a few more minutes she might be anchored on earth again. That didn't happen though, for either out of anger or defence of his ability, he threw her against a tree.

_Right on target_, she thought amusedly, and would have smiled if her lips were her own, and not taken over as they were.

x

The Defence Against the Dark Arts professor, the half-giant gamekeeper, and the Head Girl made a rather interesting trio as they walked along the grounds towards the village of Hogsmeade. Lily waited for a lull in the conversation before she suggested that James invite Sirius as well. He didn't look at her curiously, didn't ask why, just pulled out the mirror and immediately called his friend.

Sirius was already there when they arrived, waiting for them in a booth looking perfectly at his ease, casually sprawled across his seat. His gaze studied them all, one at a time in order of their appearance, Hagrid, James, then Lily. James slid in next to Sirius and Lily sat on her own across from them. Hagrid's great girth was too wide for the booth so he sat on a stool James engorged for him, placed at the table's head.

Aberforth appeared, looking surly as ever. He gave Lily a quick once over, as if trying to discern what she meant by all this, but shifted his glare to James and Sirius, daring them to order anything other than steak and kidney pie, the Hogshead specialty which, despite what the menu said, was the only dish they served.

Hagrid seemed to be the only person whose presence Aberforth didn't begrudge. "The usual," the enormous man said, looking around the group to make sure the others agreed. It was nice, Lily thought, to be sitting with Hagrid like this. It had been a long time that she could sit and chat easily with him. Recently it was always Lily rambling on about all the troubles of the world. She just sat back and observed the three men. Hagrid's laugh was deep, booming, heart warming. Lily would have loved to just sit there and listen to the three men happily go on for hours.

She studied Sirius out of the corner of her eye, trying to find some symptom, some lingering sign of whatever effect the necklace may have had. He seemed as bright as usual. More so, in fact, and Lily couldn't help but wonder if he were putting on an act.

No, she thought. That was a genuine smile on his face if ever she saw one. He caught her looking at him and the smile soured. He subtly shook his head before directing his attention back to James.

She hadn't expected a heart to heart, however damned curious she was about his recent experience. She really had only invited him to assuage her nervousness. She saw he was well and she was content. That was one worry off her mind, leaving one more to follow.

She excused herself and went to the bar, leaning over to whisper to the owner. "How is he?"

"See for yourself," was his reply, using his chin to indicate the stairs that led to Remus' sick room.

"I intend to. Thank you, Aberforth."

"Yeh..." he growled reluctantly. She supposed it was as close to a 'you're welcome' as she could expect. His crankiness amused her now, rather than disturb her as it had in the beginning. Under that cantankerous appearance he was a, well she wouldn't go so far as to say 'softy' but there was a genuine heart, movable just like anyone else's. She chuckled to herself as she trotted up the stairs.

"Lily," Remus greeted softly. Her grin fell as she saw how depleted he looked. "Don't worry. It's just the moon, it draws nearer."

"How are you feeling?" she said kneeling by his cot, putting her wrist to his forehead.

"Hard to say. I don't ache as much as before; my muscles don't seem to be as stiff."

"Your blood is diluting the silver's effects."

"I'm just as exhausted though. But that's to be expected."

She nodded.

"How has Aberforth been treating you?" she asked, pulling out the bucket she had left under the cot. Remus forbore to groan, but he couldn't stop himself from rolling his eyes. He knew it was coming, but she could tell he still harboured a secret desire she'd forget bath time.

"Well enough. Steak and kidney pie for brunch, tea and dinner." He raised his arms.

"Is there something you'd like me to bring for breakfast tomorrow?" she asked, pulling his shirt off over his head.

"Anything but steak and kidney pie."

As she began soaking his head and scrubbing his hair, she thought how odd it was, to be treat him as child but speak to him as an adult. She filled him in on the greenhouse situation, seeing as how she had, amongst all her other preoccupations, forgotten to tell him.

"Bad business," he agreed. "You've written to others apothecaries?"

"Dumbledore has connections, well, everywhere, but he says he's good friends with an Italian herbologist who might supply us for a time. It won't anywhere near replenish what we've lost, but it will cover the direst cases. I have suspicions that Dumbledore is dipping far into the budget for this, too. There's an Order meeting on Saturday."

She helped him out of the tub and back into his bedclothes. Despite his fatigue he sat for a while rather than immediately crawl back into bed.

"Saturday?"

"Would you feel able?"

"I doubt it, Lily. Even if it weren't the eve of the full moon."

Lily sighed. "What are you going to do?"

"Go back to the shack, spend it there, alone."

"The others will want to join you."

"I'll have a hard time stopping them, I know. I'll have to write to them eventually."

"James and Sirius are downstairs at this very moment."

Remus' eyes widened. "Do they--?"

"They don't know you're here," she assured him. "But you ought to tell them. They won't settle for anything less than the truth."

"I decided month before last to go it alone, this changes nothing," he said, indicated he bedridden-ness.

"Yes, and that turned out remarkably well," she said, crossing her arms over her chest. They both recalled how James and Remus had fared that terrible night.

"You think that they'd leave me alone if they knew the state I'm in?"

"Why should you be left alone? What about what you said Saturday? You said their company helps you keep your mind. Why would you turn from that?"

"We've had this discussion before."

"There is nothing wrong with depending on your friends; that's what they are there for. No man is an island."

"I mean no offence when I say this, but don't you think you are being a touch hypocritical?"

"Whether I am or not doesn't matter. This is you we are talking about."

"Why can you refuse help but I can't?"

"Because I wasn't nearly murdered this weekend!" she countered.

x

'Untrue,' Sirius couldn't help but think as he listened in at the door. He had meant to just have a private word with Lily away from the others before she came back down, but when he had heard two voices he'd recognise anywhere having this miniature row, he stopped to listen. He desperately wished them to carry on, tell him what _had_ happened this weekend.

"Alright, so I'm a target for the SCDDHB, but you are just as much of a target. More so, considering your history."

"Only because I can't hide what I am, like you. Everyone knows I'm a mudblood."

"Lily!" Remus said, shocked she'd used such a foul word.

"Muggleborn," she corrected. "And if James and Sirius could help me be less of a muggleborn I'd take them up on that offer in a heartbeat. Unfortunately there is nothing to be done about it. You, however, have a chance to improve."

"Hardly."

"Or at least halt any decline."

"Decline is inevitable."

"Only because you've resigned yourself to it! You can't continue with the Order while simultaneously giving up on yourself. It doesn't work that way. You have to keep it together."

"I can't ask others to give up their more important obligations for me. They have better things to be doing."

It was silent for a moment. When Lily spoke again her voice was quieter, almost a whisper. He strained his ears and could only barely make out her words.

"I'm sorry, Remus. I _am_ a terrible hypocrite. But you _have_ to accept help. We don't know how this transformation will affect you, or the remaining silver in your body. What if something happens? If you are all alone, no one will be there to help you. I've lost one friend this week, and it's only luck I didn't lose you too."

"I know."

"And if I've only got you back to this point just to lose you again, I..." She stopped, and Sirius wondered if she were fighting back tears. "I'd go mad. I really would."

"If this transformation is going to kill me, it will happen whether I'm with them or not."

"If this _is_ going to... to be the last time, shouldn't the marauders be with you?"

Sirius clenched his fist so tightly his knuckles cracked. The SCDDHB had somehow found him, he'd gathered that much. He had obviously been human at the time so the effects hadn't been as dire, but silver could kill a transformed werewolf. Would transforming this time be fatal? Clearly they both feared so.

Sirius had never feared the full moon before. Now the thought of it filled him with irrepressible dread.

x

Remus patted Lily's head where it rested on his shoulder. That small effort alone was tiring, but it needed to be done. However much he loathed transformations, he didn't want this to be the last one. But if it was to be, she had a point; his friends ought to be there. No one wants to die alone.

And what better way of going out then as Moony. Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs at his side.

The Marauders.

Together.

One last time...

.

.

.

x

Sirius took his seat next to James, having just about as much eavesdropping as he could take.

"Where've you been?" Prongs asked.

"Toilet," he replied, wishing he had a drink in front of him to down.

"And where's Lily got to?" he asked, looking around.

"Talking to Aberforth, last I saw," he replied truthfully. Now, _hearing_ would have been a different matter entirely.

They'd all finished their plates, Hagrid having consumed three portions. Only Lily's plate was left untouched. Absentmindedly he took a forkful and put it into his mouth.

"That's Lily's," James said sternly.

"It's not like she's eating it," Sirius argued.

"Exactly. That's the problem, she should be."

"Hmm?"

"She's not been eating much, she tends not to when she has a lot on her mind."

"Aye, that she do," Hagrid agreed.

Lily came back down a few minutes later, looking, not happy, but certainly not as if she had been crying at contemplating the past and future loss of her friends. Sliding into her seat, she picked up her fork and started poking at her food as Hagrid stood to go order drinks for the men.

"Eat eat eat," James said. She looked unhappily at her plate. "Look, eat it now. If you throw it up later, then you throw it up later. Just try."

Sirius looked between the two, and despite his worries for Remus, smiled slightly. They really did care for each other. She nodded and as she put a forkful in her mouth, Sirius spied a drop of blood on the white cuff of her blouse. Had she bled Remus? That's what Sirius would have done. Bled him near dry and then use a Repleni-.

He growled inwardly. That's right, they didn't _have_ any blood replenishing potions, otherwise Lily would have used it on Friday. _Damn Voldemort_.

Sirius didn't join in the conversation this time. He sipped his cider and listened to James and Hagrid carry on while Lily ate.

She must have felt his eyes on her, for she looked up suddenly. He wasn't prepared for that that intensity of green. He was caught, frozen in his own unhappy thoughts by her stare. She couldn't read his mind, but she could understand his sorrow. What was left unsaid hung heavily in the air between them. Things they would later discuss and things they would never discuss. Everything that they were forced to keep to themselves for the present or forever.

x

It was nearly two in the morning when Lily crawled out of bed to be sick in James' toilet. She knew Remus had been in danger but it hadn't hit her until that evening that the full moon could kill him. She'd known it in the back of her mind but she'd allowed herself to ignore that possibility. He was making such progress, doing so well...

James slumbered away next to her, untroubled, unknowing, while she lay awake for hours, terrified of Sunday. She wished it would never come. She looked at the clock to check the time, only to see it was already Friday.

She'd grown so nauseous at the idea of it already being the weekend that she had to vomit. She washed her face and mouth before she went back to bed.

"Alright love?" James mumbled sleepily, wrapping his arms around her middle, pressing his chest into her back.

"Fine."

"Will we go down to the kitchens, then?"

"No. I'll try again at breakfast. Go back to sleep."

He kissed her shoulder before cuddling in, back to how they'd been before. "Love you."

x

Sirius sat awake, staring into the fireplace, glass of cognac in hand. He'd spent so much time in this Shack with his friends; it was depressing to consider never returning. He'd debated with himself after dinner, whether or not to confront Remus. He'd decided against it. The man wanted his dignity and Sirius wouldn't take that from him, not for the wide world. He'd let the man have his pride, but not his privacy. He had a right to be there at the end, as did the other Marauders.

In the very back of his mind, in the dark recesses of his soul, Sirius had hoped that _he_ would be the first to go. Now he had to brace himself to face the harshness of this new, unwelcome reality.

But if Remus _did_ live through this, Sirius would flay him alive for making him worry this much...

x

Lily hadn't really been thinking about Defence Against the Dark Arts that morning. She and James hadn't talked about it at all last night. After spending time with Mercury in the forest they'd gone immediately to bed. She'd got up early, again to go see Remus. She brought him something other than steak and kidney pie and she'd even sat down and ate it with him. When he was there, talking to her, she felt better and the food didn't seem to want to jump out of her stomach.

After Transfiguration she walked into the DADA classroom, feeling much better about it than she had the day before. It was foolish to worry about such nonsense when there were much more important things at hand.

"Alright, today, as you know is the assessment for yesterday's trial. It does not necessarily mean that if you were on the winning team you did well, or if you were on the losing team you did poorly. You are to be assessed individually. When I call your name, come into my office, when we are finished, you can go. Try to keep the noise to a minimum. First up is... Miss Blaise."

"What is he doing?" Roo asked.

"I have no idea," she replied honestly. "We will just have to wait our turns I suppose."

A few other students went in and out of the office and joined their friends to discuss in whispers what it had been like.

"Evans!"

Lily rose from her seat and joined James in his office. She noticed a cloak hung over _LILY'S CHAIR_, hiding the golden letters from view. She sat down in the wooden chair in front of his desk, folding her hands in her lap.

"Right," he began. "You were team B, yes?"

"That's right."

"And your partner was Ferris?"

"Yes."

"Explain what he did."

"What?"

"It's how I'm doing the grading. Asking the students how their partners did."

"Oh. Well, Roo was splendid, give him an O."

"Really? What did he do?"

"Well, we were defenders, so there really wasn't much _to_ do. The other team never came near our flag, but if they had I'm sure he would have defended admirably."

James chuckled.

"How dull. Yes, I had this problem grading the 6th year defenders as well. Not much to grade there. Anything that stands out in his behaviour as a partner?"

"Not really, but he was cross when I went off by myself."

"You went off by yourself?"

"Just to get the flag and come right back."

"You left him alone to go into the enemy area by yourself?"

"But only for a minute."

"I don't believe this. The whole point of the exercise was to work together with your partner, and you left him alone so you could go off and--" He seemed too angry to continue.

"I was gone for two minutes! He was fine!"

"That's not the point! You went off on your own. That kind of bravado has no place in teamwork, Evans. You might be a cut above the rest but hubris can not only get _you_ killed, but leaves your partner unguarded too!"

"The other two girls were with him!"

"He was _your _responsibility though, and you let him down. So congratulations, Lily Evans, you've earned your first ever failing mark."

"You're _failing _me?" she asked, aghast.

"Haven't you been listening? The goal wasn't to get the flag, it was to protect your team mates."

Lily was so angry she started shaking in her seat. She would not, _could not_ make an issue of this. She rose gracefully, saying, "We're done here, I take it?" Not really waiting for a reply she strode out of his office and back to her desk, quickly grabbing her bag.

"How did it go?" Rupert asked.

"He failed me," she replied shortly before turning around to leave the classroom.

"What?" Rupert asked, truly taken aback.

"Ferris!"

x

Rupert was confused and slightly annoyed. _Lily failed?_ He didn't believe it. There had to be something else. Lily didn't fail. The only logical conclusion that Rupert could make was that for reasons unknown, Potter and failed Lily out of spite, or for some other motive that was altogether separate from her actual performance in yesterday's class. It must be personal.

Incensed on Lily's behalf, he clenched his jaw and strode into Potter's office.

"Right. I don't suppose there is much point in bringing you in here, is there, seeing as your partner abandoned you."

"She didn't abandon me, and she didn't deserve to fail."

"I'll be the judge of that, thank you, Ferris."

"On what grounds did you fail her?"

"On the grounds that she missed the point of the entire exercise. I've been through this before; I don't have to explain myself to you."

"No, but I ought to explain a thing or two to you."

"It's understandable that you are slightly biased, but--"

"Me biased? Please, let me bring back the age old example of the pot and the cauldron!"

"I'm being objective. She was supposed to protect her teammates. She didn't. Instead she thought she'd take the spotlight and get the pennant on her own. She failed. End of story."

"You've left out quite a bit in your tale."

"Like what?"

"How about how before she left she gave me this." He took the protective necklace off and placed it on the desk in front of him. _That_ got Potter's attention but Roo didn't stop there. "And how about the fact that she cloaked me in concealment, camouflage, and notice-me-not so that I'd be untouchable while she was gone. Yes, she left, but only because she was about to crack keeping up that stupid ward. She went after the flag, not so she could take the credit, but because feeling the rest of the group's hits became too hard for her to bear. She put her heart into that ward and she wore herself to the brink to keep _everyone_ safe, not just me. She did everything within her power to protect, and she did a damned good job of it. Better than anyone else I'd say."

"She failed to mention that," Potter admitted. Rupert had been running on full steam and was ready to keep arguing, but it seemed as if he'd already won.

"Well why on earth didn't she?" he wondered aloud. Lily wasn't the kind to back down from a fight when something as important as her marks were involved.

Potter chuckled. "She was probably in shock of getting a Dreadful in something."

"You aren't going to fail her then?"

"I would if I thought I could get away with it. You should have seen her face..." Potter smiled dreamily, as if lost in some happy memory.

"I _did_. She did _not_ look pleased."

"I know. Merlin, she's a vision when she's cross..."

x

Lily lunched on her own in the kitchens, brooding and plotting how she was going to avoid him for the rest of the day. In Potion's Roo tried to talk to her about it but she refused to discuss the matter. She was able to avoid going back to her common room at all before dinner because of the scheduled meeting with the prefects. It was longer than usual that night, out of necessity. Much as she disliked it, they had to tell the other students that they could no longer rely on the hospital wing for full healing, and that while they couldn't give out detention, severe points should be docked from any student doing harmful magic to anyone else, and _all_ instances needed to be reported to their Head of House for further punishment.

A long discussion followed that ran well into dinner time. Lily went into the Great Hall with the rest of them afterwards, not wanting to chance finding herself alone in the kitchen with James. For the first time she lingered in the Great Hall for as long as possible. He sat there at the Head Table, speaking easily with Professor McGonagall, all the while keeping an eye on her. He was up to something, she could tell.

So long as she stayed in public areas she was fine, she would have an excuse not to talk to him. She decided to do the rest of the week's homework in the library. Unfortunately her other books were in her common room, but if she left now while he was mid-discussion with the Transfiguration teacher, she could be in and out of her room by the time he had a chance to follow.

She made her retreat quickly, hurrying up the stairs, saying the password, dashing in, grabbing her things and dashing out again. For the briefest moments she thought she'd succeeded in her scheme.

"Where are you going?" came a familiar voice from behind her.

She turned around to see James, standing beside her portrait hole, leaning against the wall, casually as can be. Had he no concern for passers-by?

"To the library," she answered politely. "I need to keep a close eye on my grades, they seem to be slipping."

She kept walking down the stairs.

"You're running." She knew he wasn't commenting on the speed of her step, but of her cowardice. Even Gryffindors ran away some times...

x

Madame Pince had to literally shove her out of the library half an hour after it had already closed. She wasn't so much angry as she was ashamed of herself. If she had to fail in something, she would have preferred it be any subject other than his. She'd let him down. Yes, she was avoiding him but not because she was angry with him. She was angry with herself for having fallen in his eyes. It didn't get any worse than that.

She entered her common room, putting her bag down on the table. His late parents' things were still there. Her room was unworthy of such fine things. _She _was unworthy of such fine things. Mrs. Potter had been a true lady, pureblood and elegant. Lily was just a mudblood screw-up. She'd never be able to match her. She'd never be truly good enough. _She just wasn't Potter material. _

"And here I thought you'd hide away for the rest of the night." He was leaning in her doorway.

x

"I made a promise, didn't I?" She sat in one of the armchairs, a position that didn't let him come near her. 'Good,' James thought. She was still peeved. A mischievous part of him wanted to rouse her into a temper again, she looked so glorious when she raged. It pleased him to know that there wasn't an actual problem, that this little contretemps could be easily settled whenever he chose.

"Indeed, indeed," he said, casually strolling over to her. "Aren't you going to yell at me?"

"Why would I do that?"

"Come now, Lily. Don't act like you haven't been avoiding me."

"I have been, I don't deny it." James frowned inwardly. She was being far too even tempered, it was spoiling his fun.

"You're angry with me, admit it. Get it out."

"I am not." Why was she being so persistently non argumentative? She was taking all the fun out of it. He tried again.

"Then why are you acting so huffy?"

"I have a lot of work to do. No need to wait up. Goodnight."

_That_ certainly hadn't gone as he'd hoped.

He sighed. "No need to be like that. I took back the fail. Come to bed," he said resignedly. It looked like his dreams of an outraged Lily would go unrealised.

"You give me back that failure this instant!" she shouted jumping out of her seat, looking highly insulted and suddenly furious. Why on earth _passing _her would make her angry he didn't know. Not that he was complaining.

"I will not accept special treatment! How dare you give me a passing mark to try to placate me just because you're in the mood! For shame James Potter, for shame!"

He didn't know whether he was insulted or entertained by this little outburst. He'd finally got what he wanted but entirely the wrong way. He was aroused by her little temper tantrum, undeniably, but going for her _now_ would only play into her idea that he just wanted to bed her.

Which happened to be entirely true. What a gloriously frustrating situation this was. How would he work his way out of this? He decided on the truth, something that probably wouldn't have occurred to Lily.

"I'm not trying to placate you at all. In fact, I _wanted_ to make you angry."

"Why? So you could have the right to gloat over what a child I'm being? Well sorry to disappoint, but I can accept my failure, thank you very much. I'll not have you tainting our bed with the grade book!"

James, not for the first time, felt how terribly wrong their relationship was. And it didn't make one jot of difference. "Hang the grade book! It doesn't matter!"

"It does so! You can't just change my marks on a whim!"

James withdrew the Dragon's Eye from his pocket and held it out to her. "Was this a whim?" She stared at it a moment, the import of the necklace sinking in.

"Rooey," she whispered to herself.

"It appears as if you didn't miss the point of the exercise after all," he stated more calmly, stepping towards her. She automatically pulled her hair out of the way so he could refasten it around her neck.

"So this has nothing to do with..."

"Of course not." If he had his way he'd keep his job and his love life completely separate. Unfortunately that wasn't an option, nor was it the first time he'd had that problem.

"Then why were you trying to draw me into an argument?" she asked, suddenly suspicious. He merely grinned.

"Not telling."

"James..."

"No!" he said cheerfully.

"Tell me!"

"I will not."

She yowled heatedly. "Are you being deliberately irritating or does it just come naturally?"

"I told you before that I _wanted_ to make you angry." The more he grinned, the more she growled.

"Why?" she practically bellowed. Her eyes were wide and wild, her chest heaved as she took quick angry breaths. He loved it.

"Because..." He took a step towards her. She'd denied them ever duelling again, but she'd said herself that they'd have to confine their battles to words and wits. He would take advantage of whatever opportunity he was given.

x

Lily waited impatiently for James to answer. He took his sweet time in doing it too.

"Because..." he said huskily, "I wanted to see you smoulder." As his eyes flickered, the fire behind him blazed higher in the hearth, and Lily knew she was about to be consumed...

.

.

.

x

The fire had since died down. He had covered them with the blanket that usually rested on the back of the couch upon which they were now cosily reclined, keeping it low enough to expose her smooth back and the scar thereupon. He touched it lightly with his fingers, reminiscing. Full moon Sunday.

"You went back," she said. He saw her gaze directed toward the table and knew what she meant.

"I did." He didn't say anything more and Lily didn't press. In truth he had no idea why he had felt the sudden need to return to his childhood home, nor why he had brought back his parents' things with him. But surely they were better off here than collecting dust there. Lily would appreciate them, care for them. Make them warm again rather than just the cold vestiges of the past they currently were.

"You don't mind me keeping them here, do you?"

She shook her head, the mane of red hair tickling his bare chest. "If that's what you want..."

He tightened his arms around her. He'd have to go to London in the morning, he'd enjoy these precious few pleasant hours while he could.

* * *

a/n: The full poem from which Lily briefly quoted.

_"All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated...As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness...No man is an island, entire of itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."_

John Donne, Meditation XVII


	61. In Which Everyone is a Wreck

**Ch 61**_**.... The Necklace and Full Moon**_

"Isn't it a bit old fashioned?" James asked with a small grin as Lily reached her arms around his waist to put his father's duelling belt on him before he left for work.

"It's classic," she corrected. "And a bit romantic. You don't see anyone wearing them these days."

"Because they're old fashioned." He took his wand out of his pocket and slid it into the sheath anyway. He'd secretly wanted to wear it: as he had since he was a child. Although the desire to be like his father had since faded away, there were still traces of that little boy left in him.

She stood back and admired him. "It suits you, James," she said sincerely. She wasn't smiling though, which confused him slightly. "You look as if you are ready to fight at any moment and you aren't afraid to let the world know it."

Is that why duel belts were considered romantic? Did they make a wizard look more heroic and dangerous? He couldn't help but stride into Lily's room to inspect himself in the mirror. He smiled at his reflection. His father may have been a bit old fashioned too, but people feared and respected him, but that probably had more to do with him being an Unspeakable rather than because he wore a duel belt.

He felt a surge of pride for his father, whom he greatly resembled. He felt more like a man, as if the child James of his past were staring at the James now wearing his father's belt, looking so grown up. Strange, what one heirloom could do. He was glad Lily had made him wear it; he wouldn't have had the confidence to do it otherwise.

He walked back out to the common room where she still stood clad in nothing but that blanket, smiling sadly at him. _So lovely_.

"If you'd stayed stuck to that mirror much longer you'd have made yourself late," she commented. Then added more quietly, "I was half afraid you'd decide not to wear it."

"What was the other half?" he asked, wrapping his arms around her waist as he looked down at her.

"Relief," she whispered.

"Do you want me to take it off?"

"Don't you dare. It's precisely where it belongs."

"And that's what bothers you."

"I don't need a duel belt to tell me how much danger you're in."

He eyed her blanket/dress. Nothing said vulnerability like nudity, but he didn't need to see her naked to know in what danger _she_ was in. They were the same, he and Lily. He bent his head to kiss her, surprised that she didn't let him go. He'd meant it to be a quick peck goodbye...

A while later someone coughed on the other side of the room. They broke apart, James reaching for his wand just to see Sirius, leaning against the wall.

"Sorry for the interruption. Sore throat," he explained sarcastically.

"I thought you weren't coming til half 9," said Lily.

Sirius clicked open his pocket watch, looked down at the time, then pointedly back at his friend, one eyebrow raised. James quickly eyed the time piece on his wrist (yet another heirloom) and discovered that he was, in fact, already late.

"Dragon's breath," he hissed. "Alright, I'm off." He kissed her one last time before walking towards the portrait hole, touching Sirius' shoulder in both greeting and farewell before he left.

x

"Sorry Sirius, give me a minute to shower and change?"

Sirius waved her away, already looking through her bookshelf for reading material to pass the time while he waited.

"Amateur," he scoffed at the book, snapping it shut when she came back out 20 minutes later.

"Sorry to keep you waiting."

"Not at all, Cariad," he said placing _The Prince_ back on the shelf.

"So..." she began awkwardly.

"So..." he repeated, not so much awkwardly as mockingly. They stood there in silence for a few moments. He knew they were waiting for the other to speak first. She wanted him to talk about the necklace. _That_ wouldn't be happening. She had written to him, she had her own things to share so she should share them. Granted he had written to her first, but he hadn't been in his right mind at the time. He hadn't been able to get out more than one line from his shaking quill. She did not need to know this. He clung to the desperate hope that she'd forget the whole thing.

"I take it you haven't had breakfast," he stated. It was weak, he knew that, but he'd wager she'd be too embarrassed at how she'd been found that she wouldn't notice his conversational clumsiness. Just add a dash of sarcastic condescension to everything and people always think you have the upper hand.

"No, I er... hadn't got around to it yet."

"A woman who knows her priorities," he said approvingly. "Shall we?" He pushed the portrait hole open to let her pass through first. Their sojourn to the kitchen wasn't missed by a few descending Gryffindors and ascending Hufflepuffs, but Lily didn't seem to care by this point. She seemed just as distracted as he was pretending not to be.

What he really wanted her to do was tell him more about Remus, but he knew better. It wouldn't be the first time she'd kept things to herself when it came to the werewolf. Remus didn't want her to say anything, which meant he had little to no chance of getting it out of her without veritusserum. This trait in Lily was both refreshing and irritatingly problematic. Good for keeping _his_ secrets, bad for finding out others'.

When after breakfast she led him outside onto the grounds, he half hoped she'd take him to the Hogsmeade and to Remus, but instead led him into the forest.

"I suppose you _do_ have a reason for dragging me out here..."

"We aren't going in too far," she assured. "I want to show you something."

Sirius stopped walking, letting Lily go on ahead without him. "It isn't anything of Hagrid's, is it?"

"No," she said with a small chuckle. "It's my old blood ward."

"Really?" Sirius' eyebrows rose and he quickly regained his pace.

"Not much to see, actually, but I thought I'd show you anyway."

"Why out here?"

Sirius listened as Lily explained the lesson, what steps she took in forming the ward, and the effects she experienced. They reached the boundary before she finished talking.

"And here is where it starts and finishes."

Sirius looked at the spot confused and a touch alarmed.

"Here?"

"The droplets are even still there."

"On the _snow?_"

"As you see."

She created a ward on something as undependable as snow? He'd heard of stones, rocks, trees, walls, structures with some degree of sturdiness but just a line in the snow? Snow melted, was shoved about, trod on. Barring water, it was probably the least solid thing she could have chosen. "You must have done the brunt of the work yourself in keeping it up. Very foolish, Cariad." _And very impressive._ "I applaud your stamina but question your sense, for the first time, I do believe."

"It was an experiment. Sometimes they succeed, sometimes they fail. I'm not perfect. I can't get everything right every time on the first go. And at least I learned from it. "

Sirius grinned inwardly at Lily's admission but decided to be generous that day and not tease her about it. Instead, he said "And just what exactly was it that you learned from _this_." He gracefully opened a hand, indicating the forest and former ward.

She kicked the patch of snow that was stained red, removing the evidence of her work before leaving it behind. They walked out of the forest, for safety's sake, and continued with the conversation in front of the loch. He reclined against a tree as she remained standing, or pacing rather, as she continued speaking. Her nose and cheeks were pink from the cold.

"Seems like it wasn't worth the trouble," Sirius commented. He didn't like the sound of the side effects of it. From what she described, the ward was to keep those within it safe, rather than keep evil out. "And rather beside the purpose."

"Truth be told I didn't exactly know _what _would happen. I er.. tweaked the original version and wasn't sure how it would pan out."

"The original version...?" Sirius fought to keep a hold on himself. He wasn't certain, but he had _suspicions_ as to what that meant. Not what the original version was, for it was obvious that it had been dark magic, but from whom she had learned it. _Suspicions_ that darkened his hardened heart and emptied his already pitiful reserve of compassion. Men grew embittered this way.

"Which I regret even knowing to begin with," she said pointedly, looking at him more earnestly than he cared for. So she _had_ learned it from Snape. What kind of perverse, pathetic man would teach such things to a child? Granted, the slime-ball had already been up to his batty ears in the dark arts when he was just a child himself. That was the disgusting thing. He probably didn't even realise how sordid he was, that polluting a poor young girl's mind with dark things. _But she rose above you, in the end_. _Taking every miserable thing you taught her and using it to go to defy you. And while deep down she is good and would show you pity at the last, deep down I am not, and I certainly won't. So beware, Severus Snape, should we ever meet again._

"Stop it." Her voice brought him out of his thoughts.

"What?"

"That face you were making. Sent chills through me." Seeing as he was contemplating various brutal ways of killing that pest that plagued her childhood he might have accidentally let a little bit of malice slip out into his expression. He grinned at her instead.

"Oh that's ever worse! Stop it! You look like _him_." The grin vanished and his stomach dropped.

"I _beg_ your pardon?" he snapped.

"Scheming and contemplating doing terrible things. _Enjoying_ the thought of doing them? Don't think I wouldn't recognise _that_ expression, Sirius. I've seen it before and I don't want to see it on you!" she snapped back. Her voice was angry but her eyes were sad. She acted as if Sirius had done something to betray _her_.

How dare she make that comparison? He admitted not to being the greatest fellow in the world but he was far better than Snape ever was or would be. If anyone had the right to be angry it was him, for being dragged into association with the likes of the greaseball-who-must-not-be-named.

Sirius abandoned his tree and his company to storm off by himself. Lily did too, heading not towards the castle, but in the direction of Hogsmeade.

She'd apologise eventually, Sirius told himself. She always did. She had to. She had gone too far and was clearly in the wrong. He took comfort in knowing that he was guiltless this time. She blew up over one facial expression? Granted, it did remind him to better guard himself in the future. He'd been getting careless lately. He'd rather avoid these spats. But really, one facial expression set her off. That was a rather _female_ thing to do, he thought sourly. And yet, it was almost heartening to know that it had only made her so upset because she thought (wrongly) that he was like Snape. But he wasn't. At all. She was angry for nothing.

Except she hadn't been angry. She had raised her voice but her eyes had been clouded with concern. _She really does fear that I'm like him_. But Sirius wasn't a Death Eater. He didn't follow the Dark Lord. He didn't take sick pleasure in hurting other people...

_Except that he did..._ Sirius stopped dead in his tracks at the realisation. He had been contemplating that very idea when she had snapped at him.

He felt the sudden and overpowering need to vomit. "Merlin, tell me I'm not like them," he prayed desperately to himself, slutching his stomach. "No. No, no no no. _Please_." He wanted to know that he wasn't, despite everything, still a slave to his surname. He now wished he hadn't parted company with Lily; she'd make him feel human again. They'd apologise and she'd hug him and he'd pretend not to like it and everything would go back to normal. But she was probably already in Hogsmeade now, no doubt in that same upstairs chamber in the Hogshead, caring for Remus.

Sirius leaned his back against a nearby tree, a bulbous knot pressing into the back of his head uncomfortably. Remus needed her more. It took all he had not to follow her. Remus didn't want to see him. He'd respect that wish. He swallowed his own fear about himself. That could be dealt with later, or perhaps never. He'd ignore that painful dark patch in his stomach as he did the shady areas in his mind. There were places even within himself he dared not go. He was too terrified of what he might find. He shook himself, banishing those shameful traces of self doubt and fear. Uncertainties were pushed back, ignored, silenced. He was cool and composed once again.

x

"Plain old chocolate," Remus said in response to Lily's question.

"But Fortesque has so many to choose from."

"I'm a simple man with simple tastes," he said with a shrug.

"Alright. What's your favourite.... book?" The latest of the 'what's your favourite' line of questioning. Lily had realised on her way up there how very little she knew about him. People change in five years, and what little knowledge she had, had been attainted through the mind of a smitten twelve year old. His deepest soul was one thing, but she knew very little about the outer man. Like his favourite flavour of ice cream, or his favourite book.

"Cry of the Augurey, by John B. Maddock."

"I've never read it. What's it about?"

"Well, funnily enough it has almost nothing to do with Augurey or its cry. Set in Britain perhaps around 100 after Hogwarts was founded. It's the story of a young muggleborn wizard, finding his way to Hogwarts. Obviously this was before the times of scarlet steam engines. He wants to learn sorcery, but to prove to himself and the school that he can handle magic, he has to find the school himself. It takes him the better part of three years, travelling alone and having various adventures on the way having to learn on his own how to responsibly use and control his own magic. By the time he finally arrives at Hogwarts, he's already learned a great deal more than his peers, and earns admittance."

"Did wizard born children have to prove themselves worthy?" she asked.

"It's a fictional story. To the best of my knowledge this was never actually done."

"Oh." She lightened after that. "Why is this your favourite story then?"

"I'm not sure. I suppose it's the starting out with nothing and becoming a self made wizard. The freedom he has to travel and learn on his own. Not stuck in a classroom to learn but out having adventures. It's an appealing idea to a young boy. My father first read it to me when I was five. I must have read it over a dozen times since then."

"I suppose being a muggleborn is the equivalent of being an orphan in muggle literature. It's always an orphan who sets off to make his way in the world. Of course no one wants to be one themselves, but their struggles can be appreciated in a romantic way."

"It's the freedom of only having themselves to answer to, getting to make their own decisions."

"Yes, it's fantastic," she said glumly. "Well, I'm both muggleborn _and_ an orphan."

"So you have 'protagonist' written all over you."

Lily snorted at the idea of being the heroine in any story, then chuckled slightly at Sirius' idea of writing that 'tawdry thriller'. Or had it been a gripping romance? She couldn't remember now. In any case the idea was ludicrous.

"Ready to get out?"

"No," he said, leaning back in the tub. He had only just started to enjoy a steamy soak. It was very relaxing. Lily shrugged. "You know how I always used to tell you 'Head up, wand out, never let them see you pout'?"

"Of course. That phrase kept me going through Hogwarts after you left."

"It came from 'Cry of the Augurey'."

"Did it? And here, all these years I thought it was your own."

He smiled. "Didn't want to ruin anything by telling the truth."

"Story of your life?" she asked, with hesitant humour. Thank goodness he chuckled.

"Indeed. Well, if you ever get the chance you should read it."

"I shall, one of these days. I wonder if they'd have it in the Hogwarts Library."

"They do," he said with certainty. Lily rather thought she knew what that book slip would look like. She looked forward to seeing the repeated signature of a young Remus Lupin, checking out his favourite book time and time again.

"What were you like when you were in school?"

"You are just full of questions aren't you?" he teased. She grinned awkwardly. "I wouldn't have it any other way," he assured her.

"Well?"

"Well what? Oh, what I was like as a boy? Much the same as I am now. Younger though obviously, less informed, add a bit of naïveté and self-consciousness and you'd have a 12 year old Remus John Lupin."

"I've always wondered about how you acquired such an unusual middle name."

"John is quite a common name."

"Of course, but common names taken out of the commonplace can seem just as uncommon as the typically uncommon ones. It would be one thing if your name was William John Banks. But next to Remus and Lupin, John just sticks out as odd."

"I think you are putting too much thought into the matter. They are just names."

"But one doesn't choose a name so arbitrarily. Well, I mean, people do all the time but if they are choosing names at random they generally go together. So what's the story with your middle name?"

"It's just a name."

"Perhaps your parents just didn't tell you. Did you ever ask?"

"No."

"Perhaps you should."

"Perhaps I shan't. Perhaps it's _just a name_."

"So what's your father's name?"

Remus rolled his eyes and heaved an exasperated sigh. "_John_," he answered reluctantly.

"Just a name, indeed," she said shaking her head disapprovingly.

x

There was nothing to be done but let it simmer until the end of the full moon. Only after that could the other ingredients be added, then it would be another fortnight before it was finally completed. Snape didn't mind the waiting, he was a patient man and potions took time and deliberation. Unfortunately, it seemed that the Dark Lord made work for idle hands, and let Snape's newly appointed 'apprentice' take over the duties of watching it so he could be made available for that evening's planned venture. Severus didn't have much confidence in the boy's competence, but he didn't dare go against his Lord's wishes.

Why he had been given an apprentice, he could only speculate, and each and every possible answer his clever brain provided didn't settle well with him. Either one, the Dark Lord doubted his abilities and felt Severus needed help in his brewing, which was both insulting and untrue. Two, the Dark Lord wanted to train to have another brewer available. Perhaps to have a spare at his disposal should something happen to the original brewer? That hardly bode well for Severus.

In any case, the presence of the younger wizard constantly at his side was irritating at best. Severus wasn't cut out for teaching. He had no patience for stupidity, no tolerance for error, no sympathy for the feeble minded. He was a perfectionist, he left no room for miscalculation. And now, with this new element added to the equation, he had to spend twice as much time and effort to make sure that his "assistant" didn't ruin all his painstaking efforts. Why had be been given a Hogwarts student, of all people? They had been a pain while he had been in school, and now they were sent to plague him thereafter? Severus could think of nothing so insufferable as a Hogwarts student, yet here one was.... Only two, in his entire experience, had ever been tolerable. Himself, and one other. She had been an apt pupil though. Even at 11 she had more wits about her than this boorish 6th year.

How was he supposed to do his job properly when he had to worry about that bungling buffoon? What was he doing now? If he so much as sneezed everything would be ruined. Severus had put the continuously controlled heating charm on the fire himself. The overzealous boy had nothing to do but sit on his hands and stare at it.

"Severus," It was frightening to hear the Dark Lord employ venom and affection at the same time. He contained the impulse to shudder.

"I am ever at your service, my Lord."

"You needn't worry Severus. If the potion fails, I'll know it was not your fault."

"Thank you Lord, you honour me with your confidence." The humble response fell easily from his lips and the bow was now second nature. However, he used the genuflection to hide. He kept his eyes to the ground. How close the Dark Lord could have come to reading what had been in his mind. It was only luck he saw only Severus' apprehension about his assistant. Had the Dark Lord so felt inclined, as he mentally ambled through Severus' head he might have just as easily turned the corner and bumped into _her_.

Severus realised he had left her out in the open. He couldn't risk that happening again, more for his own sake than for hers. Fighting to keep his body from showing any signs of any distress, he vowed he would learn to block her from his thoughts. It was too dangerous to keep her there.

x

Lily returned to her common room late that afternoon, after her visit to Hogsmeade and to the Hogwarts library. She was pleased to see that she had been right. Remus Lupin had checked out _Cry of the Augurey_ a total of 11 times. She could almost see his maturation through the improvements in his penmanship. By the date on the card he had last checked it out when he had been the same age Lily was now.

She entered her own room to find Sirius asleep on the bed. He probably hadn't expected her to be this long. Nor would she have taken that much time had she known he planned on returning. He must have fallen asleep waiting. Poor Sirius. Since joining the order his precious sleep cycle had been denied him. He used to stay up late and sleep in late. Now he stayed out late and woke up early.

She wondered if she should just let him sleep while she read in her common room. But their argument earlier that day weighed on her conscience. She had let her own fears take over. Sirius wasn't Severus, she knew that. But seeing that same frightening expression on two different men had shaken her more than it should have. She'd panicked, that was all. She didn't even know what Sirius had been thinking at the time, she may have been way off the mark, and she insulted him for no reason.

He looked so harmless when he slept, it seemed a shame to wake him and she couldn't bring herself to do it. Sirius saved her the trouble by opening his eyes and fixing her with a wholly unreadable look. She wondered if he had been sleeping after all.

"Sorry," she said immediately.

"For what?" he said drily, indicating that there was more than one thing for which she could be apologising.

"For not saying it sooner," she answered. That seemed to cover everything. His face turned away toward the window. Apologies were always awkward affairs, and she was just as eager as he was to move past it. "There's more that I haven't told you." She had made a list of things in her mind of things to discuss with him and she'd only managed the one before they had stormed away from each other.

Confronted with something much more appealing than sentiment, Sirius turned around to look at her interestedly. "Oh?"

"Much more."

"Do tell..."

Not exactly sure of how much James had already informed him she started from the beginning. Exactly a week previous continuing to the present. An hour passed in discussion of herbology related subjects, before the topic was exhausted and neither of them could think of anything productive to add. She then ran by a few ideas by him about blood in healing, whether magic is really a part of it or not, seeing as muggles could pretty much do the same. Or perhaps if it was the one type of magic muggles could manage... She knew this topic in particular was a bit beyond his ken, Sirius never really focused on love, but his mind was always open to new ideas, and he didn't judge her for them. And for that she was grateful. Mainly he just asked questions she hadn't already thought to ask herself. In the end they had no conclusion. It was an enigmatic but powerful thing, love, whether it was magical or not.

That left only one thing. Something she could tell he had purposefully been avoiding. Deciding she wouldn't dance around the subject she just placed it right there on the conversational table.

"You tried it on."

There was a reluctant pause before he replied, "I did."

"And?"

"I wouldn't recommend it."

"What?"

"I said don't do it."

"Why? What happened?"

"No. That's all you are getting. It's my necklace now, I bought it from you fairly and honestly, I'm not giving it back, you are not putting it on, and you are not to ask any more questions about it. The incident is closed. Over. Forget it."

"But I had so many things to ask you!"

"I'll have none of them."

"Sirius," she began, trying to catch his eyes but they eluded hers on purpose. "Alright, you don't want to talk about it, I understand. I won't ask you about what happened," she promised, although she desperately wanted to. "But I _will_ ask you how it worked, and you _will_ tell me. How did you make your decisions when under its influence? What motivated you if not feeling? How did you know when to take it off?"

He growled slightly and started by giving the easiest answer. "I had set a time released charm on the clasp to come undone and fall off me after a certain amount of time. But believe me, if I could go back in time I'd have left the thing on forever."

Now she was confused. "Sirius?"

He spoke very slowly, his voice low and intense. "Taking the necklace off was the worst experience of my life." He paused, turning to fix her with an earnest silver stare, before whispering dangerously. "_And __**that**__ is saying something_."

Lily didn't know what she should say or do, so she allowed the first thing that came to her head to roll out her mouth.

"Go on," she said. He swiped a hand through his hair, pulling it away from his face only to have it swish forward again, half hiding him from view. He shook his head.

"I can't." His voice almost shook as he spoke. Lily had seen Sirius sorely beaten and weakened before, though he had pretended not to be. She had never seen him this vulnerable before though. It was disconcerting to see strong, proud Sirius, trembling with...

_Yes, with what__ exactly?_

"Talk to me," she pleaded, her own voice barely above a whisper as well. He paced the length of Lily's bedroom a few times, searching in his mind for something, perhaps words.

"I have no idea," he began. "It was like... being born. Not that I remember my birth, of course. But oh, I can imagine well enough why babes wail when they are first shoved out into the world." He seemed a bit rattled but had spoken angrily. Despite his tremulous voice he kept talking, gaining speed and control as he went. "So much to take in so suddenly is impossibly overwhelming. You'll want to fall to the ground weeping when you do. Everything you've ever felt will come back, hitting you all at once, in one..." he made a gesture with his hands, shaping a sort of container in the air. His hands trying fruitlessly along with his words to encapsulate what it was it was trying to say. "One concentrated moment... of pure, naked, horror." He paused, dropping his hands to his sides, finally daring to look at her. "And I wouldn't wish that on you... Or anyone."

His eyes, which had been stirring ambiguously as he spoke, settled back down to the implacable steel, unmoving, unreadable. He sat on the opposite side of her bed, his back towards her, staring out the window.

_Had he fallen to the floor and wept?_ Lily's heart clenched imagining it. She made sure that it wouldn't show on her face though. If Sirius thought she was pitying him he'd never forgive her. (Though of course he would after 5 minutes.)

Lily was entirely surprised when he suddenly burst out into mad peals of laughter. Recalling the worst moment of his life hardly merited such a reaction. Laughing should be the last thing he would want to do. But if that terror, grief, or whatever horror really was too deep for tears, perhaps his only recourse _was_ to laugh... _inconsolably_. Lily knew Sirius was a bit unsettled in his mind, she couldn't even imagine what those effects might have on a man, and that nothing she could say would change what had happened.

Petunia used to cry wildly sometimes, furious for something their parents did, or couldn't do for them, like pay to have them go on a class trip. She'd lay on her bed and cry and cry and nothing Lily could say would change the situation. So she simply lay down next to her sister and stroked her hair until she calmed down and came to terms with unhappy reality.

Carrying on hysterically was carrying on hysterically, whether it was laughter or tears, so she did the same for Sirius then what she had done for Petunia in the past. She'd wait with him until the pain abated.

x

.

.

Sirius set the alarm to make sure Lily wouldn't sleep though the Order meeting later. Once his bout of madness finally subsided he had ignored her, ashamed and in denial of the scene he had made. He pretended she wasn't next to him, that her fingers weren't running through his hair. He didn't speak to her and she didn't try to engage him in conversation. When her hand finally fell away and her breaths became slow and steady he relaxed and turned around to look at her.

It really was quite red, her hair. Not the shade of Rosmerta's exactly. It was shinier, less curly, less... Irish looking. Lily was a dark red while Rosy was the typical Celtic ginger. That put him in mind to visit the barmaid at some stage, she was delightfully curvy. But there wasn't time for that now.

Aware that Lily might wake up at the slightest thing, he ever so carefully eased himself off the bed. Merlin knew what a damned awkward scene it would be if she woke up now. Fortunately, the girl had sense enough to know to pretend to keep sleeping even if he _had_ woken her. Still, it would be better that he not be there when she woke. At the meeting they'd act like it didn't happen. Next time he'd have to see her was the next day in the Shrieking Shack. She wouldn't dare bring it up in front of James because then she'd have to reveal the necklace's existence. That and they'd have for more important things on their minds...

He walked through the common room, stopping when he saw a familiar volume on the table. _Cry of the Augurey._ He picked it up and flipped through it. He'd read it before, but it had always been Remus who truly loved it. As if it suddenly caught fire he put it back down, drawing away from it quickly and leaving the room. He didn't want to think about those days. The good ol' days.

It was hard not to reminisce about those times when he was actually in the bloody Hogwarts castle. Where it all began and where it all took place.

He made a few girls' day by smiling at them. He could have just as easily glared, but he figured that he had spent nearly the entire previous day glowering. He didn't want to get wrinkles prematurely. After dining on his own in the kitchens he went ahead to Dumbledore's office, a bit early albeit, but not so much so as to be inconveniencing anyone. In fact several people were already there. Mundungus Fletcher, he observed with curiosity, was among them. He approached the improbably punctual character with an easy stride.

"Dung," Sirius began with calm disapprobation. "What is that you have sticking out of your pocket?"

Mundungus bent his head and adjusted his robes to see what Sirius was indicating. It was clearly too big for the small pocket it was in, so he turned his back from the other wizards and witches in the room apart from Sirius and removed the item, using his body to shield it from disapproving eyes. One look from Sirius convinced Dung that he too, was disapproving. "Wot, this?"

"Yes, that."

"This... is _not_ a pipe," he defended futilely.

"Alright René," he said, taking it away and putting it into his own robes. "I thought I told you it was dangerous."

"Oi! Who's this big girl's blouse then? Wot 'appened to Sirius?" asked Mundungus.

"You'll get it back," he spat, rolling his eyes. Though he might conveniently forget to. Dung had enough bad habits already. He wouldn't miss one or two.

"Ah ha, so that's 'ow it is, is it? Could've just said sommat. I could get ye yer own. I know a new place 'at's just opened up, we can give it a visit after this."

"I have no intentions of dabbling, Dung," he said exasperatedly.

"Then wot you've gone and took my pipe for then?"

"I thought it wasn't a pipe," said Sirius amusedly, raising one eyebrow.

"Come on then, give it back."

"I need it for research," he answered simply.

"Wot sort a research could a bloke do with that? Wotever it is, sign me up."

"I think not," Sirius said calmly. He left Dung to his own devices, turning around and finding his favourite former teacher talking with the occupant of the painting nearest her. He ruthlessly stole her away from his ancestor.

"Minerva," Sirius greeted, kissing the older woman's hand. "You look lovelier every time I see you." She pulled her hand away and started fidgeting with it, as if she didn't know what to do with it now. He loved flustering the transfiguration professor now almost as much as he had in the past.

"Thank you, Black," she said tersely, as if she was being teased.

"Come come, Minerva. Call me Sirius. But do tell me how things are with you. Lily tells me the castle is much... distracted by recent events. How are the students getting on? Are they alright, considering?"

McGonagall's face softened at his earnestness. "We haven't told the students, yet. Although Miss Evans did say she let the prefects know. They didn't react too well, I understand, so we've decided to delay telling the rest until the situation demands it. Although knowing Hogwarts..."

"The school will know by next week anyway," he finished for her. Some things never changed. "How do you think they will take it?"

"Albus suspects more students will go home."

"He'd probably be right."

"He usually is."

"But it doesn't take an advanced arithmancer to foretell that outcome. I'd be surprised if you even had half he students left by the end of term."

"That, I believe, is a rather optimistic estimate."

Had Sirius just been accused of being optimistic? How shameful. "No, you are right. There will probably be two left. The Head girl and her faithful pet what's his name."

"Who? Oh, you mean the Head Boy, Rupert Ferris."

"That's the one."

"She'll stay, that's to be sure. And where Evans goes so does Ferris. It's been that way since their first year."

Sirius wondered at this. Yes, the boy had known her all those years but Sirius couldn't help but assume that he and the marauders had a stronger claim to her. And speak of a red head, and she shall appear. She casually glanced at Sirius and McGonagall before turning her attention to Hagrid, whom she greeted amicably and immediately dove into conversation. She was smiling, and said something that made both of them burst out laughing. He wished he were in on _that_ conversation, it seemed much pleasanter...

"Black."

"Hmm? Yes?" he said, turning his attention back to McGonagall. She favoured him with one of her lesser glares.

"Forgive me, Minerva. My mind wandered."

"So I see," she huffed, clearly not impressed that once again, Sirius Black was failing to pay attention while she was talking. It was like being in school again.

"You wouldn't happen to know any good jokes, would you?" he asked, not really with any degree of hope. Minerva was a wonderful woman, but probably the last person he could depend upon to say something funny.

"No, been feeling rather humourless lately."

_Lately?_ Sirius had somewhat doubted the woman had _ever_ had a sense of humour.

"I dare say you aren't the only one."

"Try Albus. He's the worst for coming up with foul jests."

"Thank you, Minerva. I shall."

Hearing another one of Dumbledore's witticisms (using the word 'wit' here in the loosest of interpretations) was just what he needed. For a wizarding genius, the Headmaster had a rather sordid sense of humour, yet another thing Sirius admired about the old loon.

He was about to make his way over to the silver haired bespectacled wizard when Peter entered. He redirected his steps to his friend. However terrible Dumbledore's jokes may be, they would _never _compare to Wormtail's.

"Yo ho Captain Skidmark!" Sirius greeted pleasantly.

"How, Chief Drinks-From-Toilets," he easily greeted back.

"Ooh, Indian brave, that's a new one," Sirius said approvingly.

"It just came to me. What's the mischief?"

"Nothing yet. Still waiting for people to show." Peter looked around the room.

"We the only ones coming tonight?"

"Well, it's that time of the month for Moony, and I assume Prongs is still working. Said he'd be here though."

"Shrieking Shack tomorrow?"

"Of course," Sirius said, his brief good mood falling again. He kept his voice firm and his face cheerful though. He had to pretend as if he were looking forward to it.

"Dorcas is looking fit, in'she?" Peter commented. Sirius swivelled his head to inspect her. Indeed, she was looking well.... But that could wait til later though, he wasn't much in the mood for wenching. He wanted to get this meeting over with, find out what it was he could do, then go out and do it. He wished he were fighting now.

Half an hour later and they were still waiting for the others to turn up. Lily had taken to pacing across the room. A habit, Sirius felt, she had surely picked up from James. Her unease seemed to spread to the rest of the group, though no one mentioned anything. They continued with their conversations, just as Sirius did, pretending not to follow Lily's progress up and down the room out of the corner of their eyes. A quarter of an hour later he felt a tug on his sleeve and he turned around.

"Mirror him," she asked.

"He's probably just busy at work," Sirius reassured her.

"Please?" Lily persisted. Thinking that continuing to refuse would only distress her further (that and there was very little else a man could do when she looked at one with those unfairly green eyes) he shrugged and was about to reach into his robes when a surprising, but not unfamiliar bark came from the very mirror in question. He quickly fished it out.

"Moody?"

"Give me to Dumbledore," he growled quickly.

Sirius' eyebrows rose but he didn't delay by asking questions. He simply handed the glass over to the Headmaster. The room fell silent as they all eavesdropped on the conversation.

"Just in from Mungo's. On my way to the minister now. Got the signal from Longbottom an hour ago. Took the team I had here. You-Know-Who himself was with them. All over now. Place is a mess."

"Anything we can do?"

"Sit tight, I'll send someone over with more detail in a bit. We lost a lot of people, the Longbottoms managed to make it out alive."

"James?" Lily interrupted. "What about James?" Her hand, still on Sirius' arm, gripped it so tightly he had to place his own on top of hers and gently pry her fingers off.

"He must have asked James for the mirror," he whispered to her. "He's alive at least." It didn't seem like Moody to rifle through a dead man's robes. In fact, Sirius would be surprised if the Auror even knew about the mirror's existence before now. Or if he did, he wouldn't be able to get at it while it was in that special pouch of his.

"What about young Potter?" Dumbledore asked, in answer to Lily's request.

"He's here as well. First one out there and last one back, but he's in one piece mostly. Might have the medi-witch look at him when he gets back though."

Sirius forbore to point out the irony of _leaving_ a hospital to seek medical treatment. He heard Lily sigh in relief next to him, and Sirius put a comforting hand on top of her head.

"Did we lose anyone?" McGonagall asked.

"Too many to count. The catastrophes unit have been called in the clean the place up and tally the bodies. Know we lost Fenwick, but most of the casualties were either patients or healers. Called in the regulars to keep the place on lock down should anyone return. Not that we can trust them. Magical Law Enforcement is a joke nowadays.

"Should we send some of our own to stand guard?"

"Go on. Give me Hagrid and Lupin for the entrance. Can't send anyone to actually go inside, that's official territory."

"Lupin is unavailabe."

"Damn. Full moon. Right, send Black along then." Sirius and Hagrid exchanged glances before nodding to Dumbledore.

"Careful you two!" Lily said. Sirius rumpled her hair and was out the door without another word.

Sirius and Hagrid didn't talk, not that Sirius had any breath for speech; he had to run to keep up with Hagrid's quick steps. There was very little order to the situation, they learned upon arriving. But most of the people were trying to get out, rather than in. Hagrid stood like a (very tall) sentinel, his umbrella looking more menacing than anything pink ought to be. After about a half hour Sirius realised that this would be a long, boring, uneventful wait. The Death Eaters weren't coming back, only crying people leaving. Damn it. There he had been in Dumbledore's office wanting a fight, only to find that there had been one going on the whole time and he'd missed it. Aurors got all the breaks.

x

Lily lay in bed by herself. She didn't go to Roo, just because she couldn't explain why she was worried and in need of comfort without exposing Remus' lycanthropy or the Order's existence. The news would be in the Prophet tomorrow, to be sure, but there was no reason she should already know of it now. Moody had said he was in one piece, she reminded herself, ignoring the fact that he also said he needed to see a healer. But he would be alright. Sirius and Hagrid on the other hand, who knew what kind of trouble they might face. And then there was Remus. Merlin, this time tomorrow he will already have transformed...

Reading was impossible and sleeping was out of the question, so she rose and paced her common room, holding _Cry of the Augurey_ to her chest.

_'My boys, my boys,_' she thought. Please let nothing happen to her boys. Though they were all of age and Hagrid was nearing 50, they were all still her boys. She may be the youngest and smallest but sometimes she wanted to scoop them up and protect them all. Tuck them away in her nest and she'd stand guard, ready to maim anyone who tried to harm them. But that wasn't possible, she knew. They'd all fly away and fight.

And she was left with an empty nest.

She sighed and stopped pacing, putting the book down she sat on top of her table and just stared at the fire for she knew not how long. It was oddly hypnotising, distracting her from, and yet at the same time reminding her of, James. When it started to die she'd concentrate on bringing them back up again. She watched the flames dance until little else troubled her.

She was brought out of her trance by the sound of the portrait hole swinging shut.

"Are you alright?" she asked immediately, sliding off the table and going to embrace him.

"Not so hard, dear," he said through gritted teeth, manfully suppressing a pained moan.

She pulled away immediately. "Why haven't you been to see Madame Pomfrey?"

"Because I thought you'd be pleasanter to deal with. Come on, help me out of these." He unclasped his cloak and shrugged it off, letting it fall to the floor as she began unbuttoning his shirt.

"What happened?" she asked, tugging the undershirt over his head and inspecting the overall damage. It wasn't too bad, to her relief.

"They didn't tell you already?"

"They did, I just want to hear it from you."

"Well they are still taking inventory on stock they've lost. Everything was such a mess it was hard to tell what was broken and what was missing. The attack on the patients and the hospital itself was to try and distract us from what they were really doing. Not that it mattered. You know your hands are wonderfully warm."

"I've been sitting in front of the fire."

"Hmm, your cheeks are warm too." Yes, and his hands were very cold. She didn't say this though, just continued with her healing. "What do you mean, not that it mattered?"

He sighed and put his head on top of hers. Tentatively she lowered her wand and encircled her arms around his torso. "What is it?"

"I made a mistake. I played right into their hands."

"What happened?"

"I knew what they were really after. I _knew_ and yet... I mean." He let go of her and walked away. She noticed a large unsightly bruise covering a significant portion of his back. He leaned over the fire and continued speaking.

"I knew what they really wanted so when I arrived I went immediately to stand guard over the supplies room. The last bloody store of medical provisions in the country. In comparison to sick people who are already dying, the potions were so much more important. I knew that." He paused, and Lily waited in silence for him to go on. "I stayed as long as I could, but I could hear their cries and... I don't know. I couldn't take it anymore." He heaved another sigh. When he spoke again it was much slower this time, as if it were speaking each word was a punishment. "I left future promise to save the hopeless cases. Just as they wanted me to. By the time I got back to the store room nearly everything was gone or destroyed. The patients died anyway. So they played me like the fool I am. They won." He struck the fireplace with his fist. "I tried to save both and ended up losing both. Had I left sooner I might have made it in time... had I not left at all I might have kept the storeroom safe. But I hesitated just long enough... _just long enough..._ to ruin _everything_." So defeated, so broken, he lightly banged his head against the wooden mantle.

Lily wiped away tears that James himself refused to shed. The worst of all possible outcomes, and James carried the weight of it all. And Lily knew too well that there was no heavier burden than guilt. She'd heard the report. 14 healers murdered, three quarters of the medical staff on duty that night, along with over 30 patients, all dead. Poor Benjy Fenwick wasn't the only non civilian either. Two others had been killed and four were in critical condition. Without healers or supplies, their chances weren't favourable. 46 was a weighty number indeed.

They were outnumbered, they couldn't have reasonably expected a victory. Nor was he the only auror there trying to defend people. If he had he stayed he might have been overpowered. He was just one man, if taken on my several he would have lost, and the potions destroyed anyway. Lily didn't say this. She knew James wouldn't have shied away from a noble death. He would have faced it and said, _so be it_.

She placed a hand on his bare arm and rubbed it. Sniffling, she tried to control herself. She fixed his back and the rest of him, fiddling with vanishing bruises until she trusted herself to speak without weeping and making him feel worse. She found that even after she'd controlled herself she had no words. James couldn't have reacted in any other way, and she loved him for it, despite the terrible consequences. Both his head and his heart had been in the right place, he was just unlucky with the end results. It wasn't his fault.

She didn't bother to say these things though, she knew it wouldn't help. James was a logical man, he'd know this already, but that didn't matter. What mattered was the count of 46 dead in St. Mungo's. No amount of words would bring them back.

The only thing she could do was stand by him. And that she did, and would always do. Finished with her healing she kissed his arm before taking his hand and leading him to their room. With great respect, she removed the duel belt and placed it on the chair. She removed her own shirt, but didn't bother changing into her pyjamas. The satin top and skirt would do, and she wouldn't make James change out of his trousers either. She simply pulled him to bed, and cradled his head against her chest.

He exhaled heavily and she began running her fingers through his hair. Before he drifted away she told him she loved him, the only response being a slightly tightened hold on her and a nudge with his head.

Even after he fell asleep she waited for a while, just holding him like that. She knew eventually she'd have to go but she couldn't bear to leave him just yet. 15 minutes changed to thirty, thirty turned into an hour. She sighed and knew she couldn't stay any longer. Remus would be waiting.

She spelled James to remain unconscious til she brought him round again. She didn't want him to wake in the night and find her gone; nor did she want any dreams to unjustly plague or punish him. He needed rest and she couldn't stay to make sure he got it. She put her clothes back on, and knowing he couldn't hear, she kissed him on the forehead and promised to return in the morning.

In her common room she knelt down and removed the mirror from James' discarded robes and called for Sirius.

"Cariad."

"Are you alright?"

"Fine. 2 o'clock, and all's well." Then, he added darkly. "_Or well as can be expected_."

"And Hagrid?"

"Right here." Sirius turned away to address the half giant. "Any encouraging words for the concerned red head?" Hagrid said something Lily couldn't hear. "He says never you worry about us. He's right. They aren't coming back. They've wreaked enough havoc here. We were just leaving. How is he?"

"Asleep. It's been a rough night."

"Take care of him, Cariad."

"Goodnight."

"G'night."

Reassured at least in that, she left her common room and set out for Hogsmeade, taking _Cry of the Augurey_ with her.

.

.

.

The Hogshead was still open. It kept later hours on Saturdays. Perhaps that was why Aberforth hadn't gone to the meeting. She thought she might fill him in briefly before she went up to see Remus. Spying him behind the bar she advanced, only to be detained on the way there. Lily couldn't actually understand the words the man slurred at her. At first she thought it was simple drunkenness, but a moment later she considered if it was in fact a sort of mute, as if he'd lost his tongue, but she could see it in his mouth. She'd heard drunken slurs enough working in the Leaky Cauldron, this was something different all together.

Aberforth stepped in and took her elbow, leading her away. "What do you think a hood is for," he chided, pulling it up over her head. As she looked around the poorly lit room she saw that most everyone had their hoods up. And there she had strolled in face bare for the world to see. She forgot in the new feeling a comfort the Hogshead brought, that the pub was a seedy place full of people she was better off not knowing.

Behind the bar she quickly whispered the story, careful to make sure none other than the bar keeper himself could hear. She finished and Aberforth merely grunted and waved her away. As she ascended the stares she felt more than just his eyes covertly following her. She shuddered at the chill she felt and opened the door to greet a sleeping Remus.

He didn't stir, but his steady, slightly wheezing breath confirmed he still lived, for now, at least. She sat on the floor next to his cot, her back leaning against it as she opened the book she had brought with her.

"Chapter the first," she read aloud. "In the eyes of all, magic was the most illustrious gift with which one could be bestowed. The opportunity to nurture such a gift, was something that young Faolan was determined to earn...."

.

.

"Unsure of what he should do, Faolan offered to help the man, knowing that it would be an entire day of walking back in the direction from which he'd already come, which meant it would take yet another day to get back to where he was now. Two days gone, but not lost, not wasted. Hogwarts would still be there. He was already a month late; two days more would make little difference."

Lily felt a hand placed atop her head. She turned around to smile. "You're awake."

"Skip ahead to chapter seven," he said, smiling and speaking weakly. "That's my favourite part."

"Alright, but you'll have to tell me what happens."

"He takes old Danny back to his village. As thanks, he arranges for Faolan to ride with a mead merchant northwards as far as the new Hadrian's Wall. Every night the fellow, who we learn is a squib and son of a wise astrologer-"

"A _wise_ astrologer?" she interrupted.

"Back then astrology and divination was a respected discipline. Times change and ideologies shift. In any case, every night he teaches Faolan to read the stars."

Remus continued up to the point he wished her to begin. She flipped to the appropriate page and went on for another hour orso reading. She stopped again, turning around to see if her listener had fallen back asleep.

"Remus?"

"Hmm?" he mumbled sleepily.

"Do you want me to go and let you sleep?"

"No." He roused himself enough to open his eyes and tried to sit up, only to fall back against his lumpy pillow and sigh. She placed the book on the floor beside her and reached a hand to touch a cheek to feel for a fever. It was there, scorching her palm.

"Tell me it's always this bad the night before. Tell me this is what precedes a normal transformation."

Remus tilted his head, lips pressed together in small pitying grin. He didn't speak, probably because he couldn't give that reassurance. She forbore to cry, and suspected Remus was doing the same.

This was the most trying of days. For the third time, Lily stayed silent. Like Sirius remembering his moment of unadulterated horror, James with his unbearable guilt, and now Remus with his impending death. No words could make it better. All she could do was be there. She wished she were a bit more useful just now.

"The others will be in the Shack tomorrow. Later today I should say. I could take you there now, get you something to eat. Sleep in a larger bed than this until everyone else arrives."

He groaned at the idea of so much activity, but nodded in agreement. Shrinking all the supplies they'd brought with them and putting them in her pocket, she put up her hood. She pulled Remus into a sitting position, waiting for his dizziness to pass before hauling him to his feet. He moaned again and Lily frowned.

"We needn't walk, you know. I can apparate with you"

"No," he rasped. "As much as I detest the idea, I like the idea of being squashed even less. I'd pass out from the compression in this state."

"How do you want to do this? I could transfigure you into a smaller animal and carry you."

"Would that be wise?"

"It's only to werewolves that silver is dangerous, if you were a cat or a ferret I could easily-"

"Let's see how far I can make it as I am, hmm?

Not far, as it proved. Lily became so terrified that they'd both tumble down the stairs and die from sheer clumsiness, rather than any darker fate, and levitated him to the last step.

"Put me down. I won't be hovered out of a pub, like some drunken lack-wit."

'Far better a drunken lack-wit than a dying werewolf,' she thought, but kept this herself.

They trudged to the door, where a hooded man opened it for them, standing aside to let them both pass. She could smell the alcohol on him and turned away to avoid eye contact.

"Thank you," she said politely.

"Can I help you, little one?" he asked.

"No," she said, almost fiercely, and protectively put as much of herself between Remus and the stranger as she could. To her relief he didn't press further, but simply let them by.

x

"Good people are all too easy to manipulate," the Dark Lord had said. Young Crouch next to him grinned. Severus concluded that Potter must not be as good as the Dark Lord thought, because Snape certainly couldn't account for his behaviour. "Can't resist being heroes. There is nothing so predictable as the Great and Noble Gryffindors," the Dark Lord said mockingly.

The night's plan had been entirely successful, and yet Snape was finding it difficult to swallow his bitterness, bite back his anger. 'Take what was wanted, destroy the rest.' That had been his order. As instructed, he waited until Potter left and he went in, took all the things they needed or he wanted, and demolished what remained. Which was quite a lot. He left, running to join his dark brethren when he passed Potter. They froze, stood staring at one another. Snape was unable to raise his wand against him, that ancient magic binding him to his debt. He could not kill Potter, no matter how fiercely he desired to. The Auror's expression had been just as hate filled, and Snape cursed himself, thinking any death would be better than this. And yet he was filled with indignation when Potter lowered his wand and had spared him.

Damn the man! What could he have meant by it? Why hadn't he killed him? Why had he lowered his wand and kept going? Severus was sickened by the idea that Potter might have done it out of some... noble pity. Or worse, guilt for that hellish disaster in their sixth year. But even that was a stretch. There was no reason at all why he should have let him live. On the contrary, their past and present situations, old school enemies and now, auror versus Death Eater, it was inexcusable. Potter wasn't bound as Snape was. He had no reason to be indebted to him.

He hated the man more for his inexplicable behaviour. His only consolation was in reliving the moment when he heard Potter's howling roar of anger at discovering what Severus had made of the storage room. He hoped Potter now regretted whatever sentiment it was that had moved him to mercy.

x

Sirius put the mirror back into his pocket and turned to Hagrid.

"Shall we leave this rubble to the rabble?" he suggested.

Hagrid sighed an nodded. Together they apparated back to Hogsmeade, Hagrid left to report to Dumbledore. Sirius said he'd stay there and have a drink in the Three Broomsticks. Perhaps he'd... say hello to Rosmerta. Rather, he'd say hello to those lovely curves of hers. He'd opened the large wooden door and spied the shapely woman wiping a few glasses dry behind the bar, then stepped back out into the snow again. He'd get drunk on his own. Pulling up his hood, more to fit in with the local clientele rather than a desire to actually conceal himself, he entered the Hogshead.

"Stout," he requested, sitting at the bar. The man two seats down finished his glass and left. Aberforth took the empty mug, wiped it off with a horrendously dirty tea towel, and filled it up again, placing it in front of Sirius. Rather than make an issue of it, for he didn't have the energy for that, he simply removed a handkerchief from his breast pocket and wiped the glass before putting his lips to it.

Aberforth grunted condescendingly at this display of... hygiene, Sirius supposed, but he didn't care. Nor did he care too much for his stout but he drank it anyway.

"What's _his_ defect?" Sirius asked, nodding his head to the man a ways down. He made moaning noises, the way a deaf man does, who can't hear his own cacophony.

"Ol' Jim opened a book he shouldn't've. Everything he tries to say comes out like that, thing is he doesn't hear it himself. He thinks he's talking normal like, but no one understands a word he wants to say."

"One can sympathise," Sirius said under his breath, hiding behind his drink, and wondered how Aberforth knew this if the man couldn't speak for himself. After two pints and about 50 glances towards the stairs, he had learned to tune out the man's odd moaning. He was only brought out of his drink when Aberforth unhappily growled, "Fool girl!" and stumped off.

Sirius, only mildly curious, turned around to see who it was and what they could have possibly done that would actually draw Aberforth out from behind the bar. It was his policy to stay out of his customers' business. Sirius almost snorted with dark amusement when he saw. _Of course it would be her_. Aberforth hid her face and dragged her away from Ol' Jim and actually allowed her behind the bar. He doubted Lily knew that this alone was an achievement. Despite his best efforts of eavesdropping he couldn't overhear a word.

Minutes later she disappeared upstairs and Sirius discontentedly finished his drink. "Another."

.

.

.

"Get out," Aberforth grumbled.

"Not yet."

"She might not ever come down."

"It's not _she_ I'm interested in," he said eyes glued on the staircase.

"She told you?"

"No," he said, only just barely keeping the bitterness from his voice. Alcohol made this more difficult than usual. "She didn't. Neither of them did. I found out by chance." He sounded petulant in his head, and hoped that no one else heard it that way.

"Hmph," Aberforth huffed.

"Hmph indeed," Sirius agreed, mimicking the sound. If there was one thing the marauders could do it was keep secrets. And the only thing they did better than keeping their group secrets from the world, it was keeping their _own_ secrets from _each other_. Knowing he was being disgustingly hypocritical, he took another swallow of his drink, which had, somewhere in the last three hours, started tasting good. Merlin (and only Merlin) knew there was a fair bit _he_ wasn't sharing.

He was brought out of these thoughts when the ones he wanted to see entered into his vision. She had lowered her hovering charm, seemingly at his insistence and the crossed the room as if he were just another drunk being helped home. Sirius rose to go to them, then remembered that he oughtn't. It was too late; he was already standing in their way, so he simply opened the door for them, using most of the solid oak to hide behind. Both were cloaked, so he couldn't see their faces, but he'd recognise Remus' limp anywhere. The only thing recognisable from Lily was a small pale hand that peaked out from her robes to support her companion, and a lock of hair that fell before her hood.

And her voice, of course.

"Thank you."

"Can I help you little one?"

"No." She held onto Remus more closely, trying to keep him away and she hurried them out the door.

She really didn't recognise him. She was understandably preoccupied and hadn't seen his face, to be sure, nor did he expect her to remember the cut of his rather unique cloak he had been wearing that day, but one would think she would have at _least_ recognised his voice, for all that it might have been boozily altered a touch.

She led Remus past, out the door and into the street. He didn't realise that he hadn't shut the door, but had continued to watch their progress.

They seemed to be doing alright until a cloud moved in the sky and the (nearly full) moonlight hit Remus, causing him to collapse immediately into the icy slush. Lily tumbled to the ground with him, her hood falling away, revealing her stark red hair against the white snow in a way that made Sirius feel... almost like a pervert. Watching some intimate scene that was not meant to be viewed by anyone.

She climbed to her knees and clutched Remus' arm to her chest, trying to pull him up. "_Codi ar ei sefyll,_" she encouraged him.

His friend groaned but didn't move. Lily must have felt Sirius' gaze for her head shot up and she fixed him with the most scorching of glares before the door swung angrily shut of its own accord, or rather of _her_ accord. Sirius wondered why fire wasn't green, it seemed to blaze much more frighteningly than the red and orange flames one normally saw...

x

Having fed Remus and put him to bed, Lily returned to her rooms. She undressed as far as she had been before, to her skirt and shirt, and crawled into bed next to him. She knew he might wake the moment she removed the spell that kept him unconscious, and when she did she wanted to appear to be asleep beside him. Curling up next to him, she released him from the spell and closed her eyes.

His breath caught suddenly and she felt him shift, and she knew he had awoken. She stayed still next to him. He sighed and turned towards her and she could feel that he was studying her. Her heart pounded and she tried to keep her breaths slow and constant. He touched her face, tracing her cheek and chin with a finger, then pressing his palm to her head, smoothing down her hair.

"_I don't want you to be another Mungo's_," he whispered, though it sounded to Lily more like desperate prayer. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled what he thought to be her sleeping form to his chest. She relaxed into the embrace. It took another ten minutes before she realised what he had meant. That evening in the hospital he had been torn between what he knew he _should_ do, and what his heart had urged him to do.

At St. Mungo's he had abandoned what he knew he _ought_ to do, and ended up losing what he'd finally decided to go after. At Hogwarts, he faced a similar struggle. He had fought against her, tried to resist, attempted to stay behind that line of propriety, obedient to his duty. In the end, he had abandoned that too, just as he had in St. Mungo's. And now he prayed he wouldn't lose that which he had dearly attained by that sacrifice.

.

Lily really didn't want to wake up and get out of bed four hours later. Not only did her head ache but her eyes stung, as if in a plea to have her shut them again. She had woken up when James left to take a shower, but she had refused to open her eyes then.

"Mrhm," was her reply when James shook her shoulder.

"Come on Red, up."

Regretfully she sat up, and rubbed her eyes with her knuckles. Normally, if she were feeling this tired, she would declare that it was Sunday, and therefore could afford to sleep another hour or two. But this wasn't just any Sunday, and she'd spend as much time with Remus as she could. It was almost as if she was frantically making memories to stockpile in case of the emergency...

x

To James' surprise, he and Lily were not the first ones there, despite the early hour. Sirius sat in an armchair by the fire.

"Furry lump is still sleeping," he said offhandedly.

"As should we all be," said James. Lily left, presumably to check on him.

"What brings you here at this hour?" Sirius asked.

James turned his head to make sure Lily was out of earshot before answering. "Her, actually."

"Drag you out of bed, did she?"

"Quite the reverse," he answered, but didn't expound. Normally, it's a worrying and insulting thing for a woman to call out another man's name in her sleep, but she had sounded so terrified. She thrashed and squirmed so much that it had been difficult to keep a hold of her. In the end it was easier just to wake her and bring her here. They way he saw it, she had either imagined being attacked by him or he himself had been in danger. Either way to dispel any worries, he'd taken her to see that he wasn't going to hurt her nor was in he in any danger. Not that James minded having got up so early. He hadn't been able to fall back asleep last night and was anxious to get out of the castle. He was still running away from his guilt, and it was much easier to forget everything when among his old friends.

A loud pop and Peter was suddenly in the room as well.

"Wot you two doin' here so early?" he asked striding over and plopping down onto the couch, using his arm as a pillow and trying to settle in as if to go to sleep.

"We're just fools," Sirius chuckled. "What's your excuse, friend?"

"Told mum I'd be working today so I could get out of a brunch with her and her lady friends, had to clear out of the house early. G'night."

Sirius let out a bark of laughter. He always found the fact that Peter still lived with his mother amusing. James sadly recalled that his own mother had often gone to Mrs. Pettigrew's brunches that Peter was so desperate to avoid. He had avoided them too in the past. He wished he had made more time for her after he graduated.

Tilting his head towards the door Sirius left, James following closely behind. His friend took out his cigarette case, offering it first to him. He shook his head and Sirius removed one for himself before putting it back in his pocket.

"Something bothering you, Prongs?"

"Funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

He grinned, "Never been better."

"Same here, Padfoot."

Such liars, the pair of them. Not that they actually believed each others' lies. They simply pretended to. James wondered if Peter or Sirius would want to talk about the previous evening. No doubt Remus, when he awoke, would want to know, and James loathed the idea of recounting the terrible truth. But Remus was a member of the Order, it needed to be done.

But the later it could be put off the better. For now, James was looking forward to carousing under the full moon with his friends. Although he knew it was painful for Remus, they always had fun together, which was all he wanted just then.

They sat in the smaller room. James pulled out his wand and started a fire and leaned back into the old chair. He didn't even realise he started to doze.

x

"How do they find sleep so easily?" he whispered to himself. Slumber was an elusive mistress; indeed the only one Sirius seemed incapable of wooing. He reached into his robes and fingered the dream pipe distractedly.

He realised what he was doing and quickly removed his hand, employing it instead by taking out another cigarette.

Sirius spent the following hours idly. Sometimes getting up and going to the other room to find Peter still sleeping soundly, back to James, then to the foot of the stairs which he _didn't _ascend. Around noon, his two sleeping companions roused and congregated in the same room to continue conversation. Sirius' replies and comments were automatic and dry. He remembered Ol' Jim from the night before and thought that he suffered from the exact opposite problem. Rather than thinking sensibly and spewing nonsense, he was speaking sensibly while his thoughts were irreparably tangled. Merlin he was so tired...

Remus finally came down, faithful helper ever at his side. He looked, if possible, ever worse than he had the night before, even as he had been falling into the snow. It wasn't that he was pale. Perhaps that was just Sirius' lack-of-sleep addled imagination but Remus looked _gray_, as if the silver had risen to the surface, colouring his skin.

He faked a smile for the sake of his friend but then said, "I'm off for drinks. Who's having what? The usual?" He didn't care that it was too early.

There were several indifferent mummers of assent and Sirius left in carefully concealed haste. That had been harder than he thought it would be. He had slowly begun to accept that Remus would leave them, but he hadn't prepared himself to see it. Well he'd just have to get a hold of himself and stop avoiding him. As he walked back with his purchases he thought physically removing oneself wasn't the only way to avoid something. He was currently carrying yet another method in his arms.

x

"Hello Lily. Didn't think you were here," said Peter as Sirius left. "Moony, you missed quite a meeting last night."

James stiffened at the topic.

"So I've been told, Wormtail," Remus replied, tilting his head towards Lily, indicating his source.

"The Prophet will have a field day with this one," Peter continued. "No doubt rub it in what a failure the ministry was comparatively." James would have given anything to make Peter stop talking.

Lily, who was sitting on the armrest of the chair in which Remus had collapsed, glanced quickly at James before saying, "Peter, do let's not talk about it now. We all know what happened. Let's drop the subject for the moment, hmm?"

James felt his stomach unclench at her words, and warmed slightly when she came to sit down next to him. She leaned against him, resting her head on his shoulder. He snuck a hand beneath her hair, touching her neck and playing with the chain of the Dragon's Eye.

x

To Sirius, all was anxious and awkward. He could see every little secret glance Lily and Remus shared, thinking that they were carrying this alone. At least the two conspirators had themselves to comfort each other, even if it was only with knowing glances. Who did Sirius have? To whom could he look for consolation?

'_Fool,_' a snarky voice sounded in the back of his mind. _'You don't need anyone, least of all their comfort._' He wasn't some 3rd year Hufflepuff. He didn't need to talk about his _feelings_.

Moony was a wreck for obvious reasons (obvious to Sirius and Lily, anyway). James was a wreck for his own reasons. Lily was a wreck for both men. Sirius had no doubt that _she_ knew what was troubling his best friend, and he told himself not to resent her for it. Peter seemed to be the only one untroubled. It was a wonder no one picked up on the sheer awkward tension in the room, but perhaps they only perceived it as their own overwrought nerves.

He cursed the necklace, it had thrown him so off kilter he wondered how long it would take him to find that numb balance once again. Not that it would significantly change the current situation. He'd probably be just as lost for how to react even if he had been his normal self. He wondered if that wasn't the _real_ reason he wasn't telling them he knew the truth. He couldn't bear to face it. He didn't know what he would do if Remus looked at _him_ that way. He marvelled how Lily did it. He remembered before when she could barely handle her own feelings, and now she was taking on the rest of the world's. If he weren't preoccupied for Remus he would have thought back to the previous day with shame. _Damned necklace_.

The afternoon dragged on agonisingly. Everyone playing their part. James was playing the part of Prongs, Auror, Hogwarts teacher. Remus played the part of Moony, werewolf, _always_ like this before transformations. Peter playing the part of Wormtail. That was nothing new. Peter was always pretending to be Wormtail. And Sirius, playing the part of Padfoot. He didn't know who the hell either one of those people were supposed to be. And Lily, who knew _exactly_ who she was supposed to be. She wasn't ever playing a part. She was concealing things, yes, but she did not hide herself. And why should she? At first just the mascot and now... she was almost the glue that kept people from falling apart. He saw it in James' eyes, in Remus'. He didn't dare look in a mirror to inspect his own, for fear they'd taken on that same dependent and grateful look.

He inwardly steeled himself.

"Better be on your way, love," James said to her. It was an hour yet, but no one wondered at his precipitance. He wanted her safe inside the castle long before Remus transformed and for obvious reasons.

"I'll see you later," she said to Remus before leaving. They exchanged a final glance, their expressions holding the same uncertainty, asking the same question. _Would she though?_

Sirius detected dangerous tears approaching. If she started crying then everything would be revealed, Remus would have to explain himself and it would make the situation emotional, and that much harder to deal with. He took her by the elbow and led to out the room.

"Best go, little one," he whispered. "We'll take it from here."

Her brows furrowed slightly as she mouthed the words 'little one' questioningly to herself. Her eyes widened in sudden understanding. "Sirius, you... "

"_Go_." And with that he closed the door, turned his back to it and focused his attention on Moony.

"A toast!" he burst out randomly. "A toast! To Moony!" he said, lifting his glass. Remus looked startled for only the merest of instances before he lifted his own glass in kind to make his own toast.

"To Wormtail!"

Peter lifted his and said "To Padfoot!"

"And Prongs!" Sirius added.

"To the Marauders!" said James strongly.

"The Marauders!" they all echoed enthusiastically, before downing their drinks.

x

Oh it was excruciating. Transforming had never been a painless experience but his very blood seemed to burn beneath his skin. He howled as he had never howled before, not even coming close to expressing this torment.

Once he had changed completely into the werewolf he collapsed to the ground, fire having turned to molten lead, weighing him down as well as searing his very veins. He felt no need to hunt, to attack. He didn't want to do anything but sleep, or die. Each breath a painful struggle, he felt as if each inhalation was a battle won in a war he would lose. It was only a matter of time.

Death, Remus thought, was remarkably clear. Unbelievably painful, yes, but his mind was as lucid as it had ever been during a transformation. More so. It was almost as if he were simply a human in a wolf's body now. A wolf's pain ridden, failing body. The silver was fatal to the body of the wolf, but the mind of the man was unaffected. It was a comfort for him to know, that in the end, he really was Remus Lupin after all, not the werewolf.

Another breath. His lungs ached, burned, it grew harder. Prongs was looking at him oddly, confused. Wormtail tried to encourage him to get up. Impossible. Padfoot however simply lay down on the grown next to him; resting his head on his crossed paws, letting out an uncharacteristic whine. Remus whimpered as well, both as complaint of the pain and in gratitude to Sirius' understanding. That's really all he wanted.

An hour later and he was surprised to have made it this far, but knew it couldn't be long. He barely even noticed the pain now, it was just an enfolding darkness at this point. It began to gather around his extremities, the edges of his vision and started closing in for the rest of him. Prongs awkwardly lowered himself to Remus' other side and Wormtail curled up in front of them. Wormtail had never, _ever _allowed himself to get this close to his mouth, but it was obvious by now that they knew something was terribly wrong.

And yet it wasn't wrong. It was incredibly right. This is how it should be, his friends at his side. His last thought was that after this night, he would no longer be a burden to the friends he loved so dear, and was so unworthy of.

x

Lily didn't sleep at all. She sat in her room, twisting her hands, rocking back and forth, each passing hour wondering if Remus was still alive. Anything she had put into her stomach that day came up, and them some. She didn't cry though. She wouldn't cry until...

She hoped that moment never came. She rose and paced. When her common room grew too confined for her she moved into the Hogwarts corridors, patrolling the old routes she had done as a prefect.

"20 points from Ravenclaw!" Normally she would have given them slack, seeing as it wasn't much past curfew. "Sorry," she said. "Take back the points and just go to your dorms. Quickly, and quietly, if you please." There was no need for her to take her nerves out on innocent people. Well, _almost_ innocent people.

"Miss Evans."

"Oh, good evening Sir Nicholas," she greeted the ghost which had hovered into her path.

"May I say you are looking rather out of sorts this evening? Perhaps you'd like some company on your patrol?"

She considered this offer after the first unfair inclination to tell him to leave her alone(in the politest way possible of course). Perhaps a bit of non-living company would be good for her. She didn't know if it was the chill from such close proximity to the apparition, but she felt a calming numbness start to chill her. She let the latest gossip flow over her, her inner being in disbelief that such trivialities still mattered to some people. They didn't know Remus, but surely they'd heard about St. Mungo's the day before? Had it not been in the Prophet yet? Or was Nicholas being oddly kind. Well, Nick was always kind but was this banality a sort of consideration to her? Was he purposefully avoiding heavy subjects? Was he simply reminding her of the little things?

She realised he had asked her a question. "What? Sorry."

"Not at all. I was wondering with whom you have decided to go to the ball."

"Do you really need to ask?"

"Ah, Rupert Ferris?"

"Indeed."

"And you aren't... that is to say in what way is he...."

"We are friends, Nick."

"Oh, of course I know that, Miss Evans," he said lifting his nose in the air, which not only gave the impression that he didn't, but also caused his. "But the other ghosts all expect you two to get back together."

"I can guarantee that isn't going to happen," she said exhaustedly. She'd had this conversation with just about every single girl in her year. "We were barely even a couple in the first place."

She liked to think of those days as a foolish but pleasant failed experiment. Rupert wasn't cut out for relationships and Lily had been in no state to be in one, having been in denial and an emotional wreck at the time. Something she hadn't got over til this year, as a matter of fact, when James had forced her out of it. She and Rupert's relationship was just their usual friendship, plus hand holding and other activities that 15 year olds did. It hadn't been awkward, but neither had it been incredibly satisfying. It had been like... well... it had been like kissing her best friend. At the time it had given her great solace, to be constantly reminded that someone still cared. They had grown out of that phase though, when Lily had recovered and Rupert had matured. Nothing else really changed until 7th year when she moved into the head dorm and she had been separated from her beloved Gryffindors.

For the first time, Sir Nicholas began talking about his own past, his first and only love. Lily listened to every word this time. This story was halting, he constantly stopped to find words to express himself. Lily suspected that this was his first time telling this story. It was common for people to confide in ghosts, because they 'aren't really there' but even they must need to confide every now and again. It's not as if they don't have their own troubling business. In fact, seeing as they were_ghosts_ they'd have _lots_ of unfinished business. Surely there was no one in such desperate need of talking and sorting things out than a ghost.

So she listened and listened, following her feet through the castle as the hours grew later and later. She was grateful for every minute that Sir Nicholas spoke, for his chilling, calming presence. She could see her own breath but that didn't matter. She wasn't being sick with worry anymore. Talking to someone who had already died somehow made her feel better. She didn't know why, she would do anything to keep Remus in this world, if indeed he still _was_ in this world; her mind shied from the thought, and she continued her line of reasoning. Remus would be given a much better death than his murderers had intended. If he lived...

Oh, please let him live.

Dawn began to peak out, only barely lighting the sky but Lily had been waiting for it, and she noticed the almost imperceptible change. Unable to wait any longer than that she flew out of the castle and hurried all the way to the Shrieking Shack, completely spent and breathless when she arrived.

There they were, all of them, on the floor in apparent slumber. A large dog, stag, and rat, lying in a circle around Remus. Not the corpse of a wolf, but the shivering bare body of the real man. She just stood there and regained her breath, lost from running, and taken away again by the scene before her.

She indulgently let a tear fall down her cheek out of sheer relief before removing her cloak that was charmed for warmth, and placing it over him. He stopped shivering and Lily, looking around at them all, simply joined them on the floor next to Remus at the centre of the circle. At peace, she finally fell asleep.

.

.

.

Lily woke up a few hours later, looking around she saw all the boys still sleeping soundly around her. She studied Remus' face. He was alive. She didn't know how bad it had been, but for right now that didn't matter. The important thing was that he'd made it. She smiled and closed her eyes again. She was almost asleep, or perhaps she had been asleep and was simply awaken by the sound. She pushed herself into a sitting position and saw Sirius, now human, looking down at them. His eyes were frozen over. He showed no sign of relief, or joy, sorrow, anger, anything. He just stood there, studying before walking towards the door, grabbing his cloak and leaving. She stared at the doorway through which he had vanished for a while, but decided she should just let him be.

Cautiously she gave Remus' arm a shake. He made a weak humming noise and she shook him again. His eyes opened languorously and when they came into focus he grinned softly. Making sure the cloak was secured around him she lifted him with her wand and took her to the bedroom, tucking him in tenderly.

"Floor's can't be good for you."

"If I can handle _that_, I can handle a few hours on the floor."

"I think you've earned a bit of comfort, Remus." She kissed him on the forehead. "Get some more rest. I'll come back to check on you later."

"Thank you," he said, fumbling with his own hand to grasp hers. "Thank you."

"Thank _you_," she breathed, and thought now was an appropriate time for the famous 'I'm-glad-you're-not-dead' hug.

Back downstairs she roused James and Peter.

"Where's Moony?" he asked immediately after changing back.

"He's upstairs, sleeping."

"He's alright?"

"Fine, he just needs rest now."

"What was that about?" Peter asked. "He's _never_ been like that before."

"He was ill, he'll get better," she said, leaving the explanation at that. "James, we ought to get back to the castle."

"Mmhmm." Strange, James' hair didn't have its messier than usual look after he got out of bed. She rather liked it and messed it up a bit extra for him. He grinned and took her hand. "See ya Pete."

"Bye Peter."

"Laters."

James and Lily took the passage back to the castle. Surprisingly he didn't ask questions about Remus, didn't even mention Remus, or the full moon, or anything at all. He stayed quiet the entire time.

But he gave her hand a squeeze and she squeezed back.

Everyone had each individually suffered so much recently James, Remus, Sirius, and herself. And although the world continued to crumble around them, at least they were still together...

_**Author's Note:**_

1.) When Sirius calls Mundungus _René_, he is referring to René Magritte, Belgian surrealist artist famous for his painting "Ceci n'est pas une pipe" (This is not a pipe.) Look him up if you have some time.

2.) I asked several people the question, if they were to stand guard over medicine that would save people's lives, would they leave it to defend sick defenceless people who are already dying. I'd be interested to know a.) what you _would_ do, and b.) what you would _like_ to do.

You already know my answer, for James and I are like fools. As is Lily. Their hearts are their greatest strength and greatest weakness. A common theme in this fic, as I'm sure you've already noticed.

Anyway, I'd like an answer, if you are willing to give one.


	62. Keeping One's Mouth Shut

_**Author's Note: **_

Points to those who can tell me to which poem I alluded to in this one.

_Desperate and Hello There, whoever you are, this chapter is for you. It's enormous, unedited and poorly written, but it yours._

_**Chapter 62:**__** The Importance of Keeping One's Mouth Shut**_

Seeing as he had cancelled class that morning they had an hour or so to themselves before the rest of the day's obligations claimed their time. James was grateful to just unwind from it all. The St. Mungo's fiasco had actually vanished from his mind for those hours he spent in the Shack, but it was back now, weighing just as heavily, mixing in with a sort of retroactive panic. He knew with terrifying certainty that they had almost lost Remus last night, although he didn't know how or why.

"Hold me?" she asked. James was slightly startled. She'd _never_ used words to ask for something like that before. He just stared at her for a moment, wondering if he'd heard correctly. Her eyes were a glossy green. "Please?"

"Of course," he said, remembering himself and crossed two steps and pulled her into him. He wondered how much the girl in his arms knew. Or rather, how long she had known. The previous night's nightmare made much more sense, looking back. She had obviously known something; something both she and Remus weren't about to share. Upon reflection he concluded that Sirius must have known too, having arrived at the shack before even he and Lily had.

Oddly enough, he wasn't angry with her for keeping this from him. Of course, that might have something to do with the unshed tears in her eyes that made it hard to be mad at anything, let alone her.

"Can I do anything?" she asked, bringing him out of his mental wanderings.

"What?"

"I need to do something for you. Anything. Just tell me what." She blinked up at him and James could do nothing but blink down back at her. Was this her way of apologising for keeping quiet about it all?

He had no idea what sort of employment he could give her,so he did the only thing he could think of.

x

Lily's lips were still tingling even a quarter of an hour after Transfiguration started. She had to work to hide her smile. Not only was Remus alive and likely to stay that way, but that half an hour with James seemed to have lifted her spirits to a level she hadn't experienced in a long time. Was she such an animal that something merely physical could make her this elated? She didn't know, but she knew she wouldn't mind if he kissed her like that more often.

Her glorious mood of giddy relief didn't last long, however. After the lesson McGonagall informed both her and Rupert about an emergency faculty meeting that evening in the Headmaster's office. On the way downstairs Roo told her that the St. Mungo's incident _had_ been in the Sunday Prophet, Lily just hadn't been around to see it. She made no effort to explain her whereabouts, merely stated that she was glad she hadn't been there in the midst of the panic. Some Head Girl she was.

Lily didn't go to the Great Hall for lunch, but to the kitchens. Roo decided to tag along which made her purpose for going slightly more difficult to achieve.

"Poppy," she said crouching down. "Can I have a word?"

"Yes of course, Miss," said the elf. Lily leaned in and whispered in hopes that Rupert (who was unsuccessfully trying to act as if he _wasn't_ eavesdropping) wouldn't overhear.

"I'm sorry, but could you do me another favour? I feel terrible to keep asking you for things, but really you are the only one I trust."

The house elf's ears twitched, but she forbore to react more openly to this outright affection.

"I need you to go back to the Shack and check on the man there. He is still very ill. Bring him something to eat and drink. I'll wait here for you for a response."

Poppy nodded determinedly. Seeing as it was already lunch time, food was ready made, so she was even speedier than usual. She was gone with a pop and only then did Lily look around to what she herself might eat. Roo immediately pretended to be very interested in his soup.

She gave her report when she popped back in.

"Poppy woke him, Miss."

"That's alright. How is he?"

"I asked on the Miss' behalf and he said he was well, but Poppy thinks not, Miss."

"Well, I don't imagine he would be completely better," she said, more to herself than to the elf. "How does he look compared to the last time you saw him?"

"I don't know, Miss. He stays in bed and looks sleepy, like last time."

"Very well. Could you tell him I'll be there this afternoon?"

"At once, Miss."

Poppy disappeared before Lily could even say thank you.

x

James withdrew into his office during lunch, a copy of the Prophet in one hand and the mirror in the other. Deciding to put the paper down for later, he called to his friend.

"Sirius?"

"Aye?" Sirius looked wan, but relieved, convincing James that Sirius _had_ known about Remus after all.

"Were you sleeping?"

His friend chuckled darkly. "If only. What is it?"

"Did you know? You did, didn't you." He didn't need to elaborate on what.

Sirius sighed in a way that sounded almost more like a groan. "She told you?"

"No. Just got the impression that I was the only one who wasn't up to speed last night..."

He snarled a bitter smile. "Mind you, they didn't tell me either."

"Tell you what? What happened last night and what has everyone been keeping from me?" James asked, patience lost. "And don't mince words."

Sirius raised his eyebrow amusedly and said simply, "Very well. The SCDDHB tried to kill Moony." There was a moment's pause. "And very nearly succeeded," he added as an afterthought.

James stopped and stared at his friend for a moment. Perhaps Sirius should have minced his words slightly, instead of dropping this huge hunk of raw information in his lap, still oozing. It was a while before he found his tongue.

"Merlin," he breathed. "Why didn't he tell us?"

"Couldn't say. Perhaps he just kept his mouth shut because he didn't want us to worry. I gather that he didn't expect to live _till_ the full moon, much less through it."

"What- How?"

"From the little I overheard it was silver poisoning."

"Merlin," James swore again. "How did _she_ know?"

Sirius shrugged. "Couldn't say."

"I'm asking him now."

"He must have had his reasons for not telling, Prongs," Sirius warned.

"Whatever it could have been it was stupid," James said angrily, already standing up to leave for the Shack immediately.

"Yes, a very foolish thing, pride. By all means, go and wrestle it from him. I daresay it would be an easy feat, weak and broken as he is."

Damn it. James stopped and sat back down. Seeing that he had successfully made his point Sirius continued. "Let him recover in peace. Perhaps the little hairball will do the decent thing and tell us eventually."

"You saw how bad it was last night. He can't just stay in the Shack all by himself if he's been poisoned. He needs help."

"And he has it..." Sirius said silkily, regaining his usual annoying arrogance. "You don't suppose your little Red Head _hasn't_ been popping over the Shrieking Shack and the Hogshead every time your back was turned, do you?"

"Hogshead?"

"Aberforth knows. That's where he was staying, so far as I know."

'_Ah_,' James thought. Things were making more and more sense now. He contemplated on whether or not he had been a bit premature in forgiving her that morning for keeping things from him.... again. "Damn them both."

"Well said, Prongs, but in fairness to the lady she did urge Remus to come out with it. She kept her mouth shut because he insisted."

"How do you know all this? What were you doing, listening in at the door?"

"Yes, actually."

"Oh." James had been slightly surprised by the over simple answer. "She could have told me anyway."

"And betray Remus' trust? That would be rather unlike her, don't you think?"

"Yes but--" James ruffled his hair. His friend's perpetual insouciance was annoying at times. "Why did you keep _your_ mouth shut?"

Sirius merely shrugged.

.

He had long since ended his mirror conversation and had picked up the Daily Prophet. His name and failure wasn't mentioned specifically, which he felt guilty about being thankful for. _He_ knew, and that was bad enough. He didn't want the rest of the world knowing how he had let them down. His students looked up to him, what if they knew the auror who was placed there to protect them was about as efficacious as a wand without a core. The mere semblance of security. He was a stuffed man, the ministry's scarecrow placed in the field of Hogwarts. He threw down the paper and put his head in his hands. Even as the afternoon light glowed through the open window oh his bedroom he felt a shadow fall between ideas and reality. They kept falling short. How hard it was to actually succeed in anything when it came to Voldemort. He kept trying and trying to be this incredible auror people saw him as, and yet at the sticking point, he was nothing but a hollow man. He lowered his head to his desk, trying to ignore the echoes of their screaming in his memory's ear.

He heard a sound, a real sound this time, not just a recollection. He didn't move. He could tell who it was by the way she turned the handle to his office door. Affectionate hands found their way briefly into his hair before they encircled his shoulders, pulling him into a hug from behind. Her breath warmed his ear.

"It's not your fault," she whispered, wandlessly flipping the Prophet over so that the photograph of the Dark Mark hanging over the Wizarding Hospital was no longer visible. "We aren't that lucky. If it was just a matter of one man and his one 'purported' mistake then we wouldn't be in the desperate situation we are. You," she nuzzled his head with her own. "Dear one, can't let yourself think you're useless. You do so much for so many. No one forgets that but you."

And so there she was, his own personal remembrall. He leaned back and reached across his chest to cover her arms with one of his. Her voice in his ear, the feeling of her chest pressed into his back and her arms around him had the most inexplicable relaxing effect on him. It didn't much ease the pain, but breathing became ever so much easier. And he was supposed to be angry with her, why?

He sighed. "We have class in 10," he said regretfully. He was overtaken by an urge he hadn't felt since they first got together. To take her away, and keep her all to himself. But that wasn't possible. He had to share her with the rest of the world. Presently, she had Charms. Was it just him, or was it always Charms? It seemed as if she had more hours of that class than any other and it was always that lecture that continued ruining things for him. If it weren't her favourite class he'd tell her to drop it.

"I know. I just came by to tell you I'm going to see Remus after my one lesson this afternoon." Ah yes, _that's_ what he was supposed to be angry about. Oh well.

"Staff meeting after dinner."

"I know, McGonagall told me. I'll be back in time. No doubt it's about that," she said, without even waving a wand the newspaper disappeared with a crack. Her arms remained securely around him.

The sound of young voices chattering mingled with the scraping of chairs as students began to fill the classroom and take their seats. He felt a momentary panic.

"You have the cloak?"

"Yes, wore it up here."

"Good." He rose from his seat and her arms fell away. He wished he had kissed her before the students came. Now with them just in the next room... it just wasn't an option. One would think that with their over activity that morning it wouldn't have mattered, but when she disappeared under the cloak and left him without even a peck, he felt oddly bereft. As she left, he felt as if she weren't only slipping out of the room, but slipping away. Away from him.

He shook his head. It was just his post Mungo paranoia. He wasn't going to lose her.

Despite his logic he found himself heading towards the Shrieking Shack after his last class, ignoring his growling stomach, much to the organ's dismay. It perked right up again though, when he saw the basket of food on the table. He dove for a sandwhich before he even said hello to either of them. Correction, _any_ of them. There were more than just the two he had expected.

"Fancy meeting you here," Sirius said nonchalantly.

James swallowed his bite before giving a cheerful, "Hello all." Then he swooped down on Lily, who was sitting on the bed next to Remus, and kissed her. "And you, heart."

"Hello darling," she said, wiping off what appeared to be a bit of lettuce from her face, remnant of his affectionate greeting.

He chuckled awkwardly "Oops." Lily simply shrugged and popped the morsel in her mouth.

Sirius made a sound of disgust, then rolled his eyes mumbling something that sounded suspiciously like '_love_' in a disdainful tone of voice. Lily, who had linked her arm around James' leg in a sort of hug, let go and slowly stalked her way towards Sirius, mischief gleaming in her eyes.

"What?" he asked, watching her approach with distrust.

"What was that you said, Sirius? I don't think I heard you correctly."

Sirius frowned sourly, seeing where this was going and not at all pleased at the prospect of being teased. Lily only grinned wider.

"Because it sounded like you said love," she continued.

"Could have," he replied coldly.

"Now why would you have said something like that?" she asked, now all but sitting in his lap.

"I'm asking myself that very same question," he drawled, eyeing her with disapproval. "Looking back I see it was a rather poor idea." Sirius was almost at full scowl and was sitting stock straight in his seat. Lily completely ignored this and carried on, to the amusement and fascination of the other two men in the room. Sirius was almost always the teaser, and very rarely the teased. James had to admit it didn't suit him. However watching Lily go, more than made up for the awkwardness he felt on Sirius' behalf.

"Deign to bestow upon us some of your patronising wisdom? Do tell us, what _is_ love then, Mr. Black?"

"A damned nuisance, that's what." He pushed her away, rose from his chair and put half a room's distance between them, tugging on his waistcoat and smoothing away nonexistent wrinkles.

Lily burst into laughter. "Oh Sirius you should have seen your face!"

A moment of shocked discomfiture crossed his features before he rearranged them to annoyed but tolerant disapproval. "We are not amused," he said calmly.

Lily, still giggling slightly, went over to him. "I'm sorry," she said with an apologetic hug which he condescendingly allowed. "But it was an honest question" she said looking up at him.

x

How was _he _supposed to know what love was? But then he considered it for a few moments, or perhaps he was considering the colour of her eyes, and an answer slipped passed his lips.

"Love is keeping you mouth shut." He paused after a moment of reflection of these seeming random words. Deciding that they were somehow very true he added, "Is it not?"

Something flashed in Lily's eyes. Sirius read it instantly as guilt and jumped at the opportunity to spin this back on her. Merlin only knew what had possessed him to answer truthfully, but if she had thought this had been a jab at her secrecy about Remus and who knew whatever else, he'd take ruthless advantage of it.

"And may I say," he added poisonously. "How _love_ly you've been looking recently."

She leapt back from him, as if his biting words had actually torn flesh. Mumbling quick apologies, saying something about meeting Ferris, she was out the door before any of them could ask her to stay.

Not that Sirius would have. He watched her flee with relief. But that still left the other two, who were now looking at him with rather less than kindly expressions. This would take some artful sidestepping. At this point in time, everyone knew what had truly happened, but Remus was still unaware that his friends knew more than what they were letting on. If Sirius could at all manage it, he'd like to keep it that way. Why? Well, as he had so eloquently put it, keeping the whole painful truth from people is the best way to show you care. Or not show them, as the case may be.

"Nothing will come from glaring at me. If you want to say something then say it," he remarked casually. Neither James nor Remus spoke. Sirius raised his eyebrows invitingly. When still neither of them commented (because they couldn't without revealing themselves) they stopped glaring and fell into a pouty silence.

'_Truth will set you free, my arse,_' Sirius thought. In his experience, the truth only got one into more and more trouble. Tidy fibs were the best thing. The simple, effective, and (in Sirius' opinion) _grossly_ unappreciated little white lie. Lily was probably the only other one who understood its importance and valued it as much as Sirius did, but he had run her off.

"Never you worry about the girl, she'll be alright. Just a little inside joke, you see. Now, all trivialities aside-" He waved away the little things like love, secrets, and near death experiences with a careless hand. "Tomorrow is another meeting. Don't suppose you're feeling up to it Moony?"

Remus paled at the thought, but whether it was the prospect of mingling with the type of men who had just tried to kill him, or activity in general Sirius couldn't tell. Probably both. It was just as well, he wasn't really asking him to join. He meant to go this one alone.

"It's alright Moony, I can manage by myself. Just thought I'd let you two know."

James said nothing, but a dimple formed in his right cheek, meaning his was biting the inside of his mouth again to keep himself from saying something.

"Prongs, I might as well get some use out of this Black blood of mine. It'll be fine. Moony, tell him it's nothing but drinks and old sods just talking about remarkably uninteresting things most of the time."

"That is true," Remus said fairly.

"I'm just a pair of ears. Naturally I'm not planning on _doing_ anything." Another convenient little lie.

Of course after overhearing a certain conversation in the Hogshead on Thursday night, Sirius had done as much research as he could on the SCDDHB. More than one name caught his attention but the moment he came across Henry Bright, it all made sense. Sirius recalled James complaining about how Wormtail had got James into trouble, for (among other several misdeeds) revealing how they had all mistreated Bright as kids. The fact that Remus had brought him up in the first place indicated that he had been expecting something like this. The only thing Sirius had yet to work out was how the bastard had found out about Moony's condition in the first place. At any rate, he'd have words with Bright and he couldn't risk having Remus or James there to get in his way

x

Lily sat in Hagrid's hut with the man himself. Not actually having the plans with Rupert she claimed, she sought the warmth and comfort of her oldest retreat.

"Mind if I have a look at your photos again?"

"No, course not."

Hagrid had obviously done some organising, for all his photographs (few that they had been) were now neatly arranged in the album she herself had given him.

As she flipped through them she asked, "How have you been, Hagrid? Any luck with the Jarvey breeding?"

"Yeh, but it's not as if we have cause to worry about the gnomes anymore is it? Ain't got nothin' ter destroy."

"We haven't lost everything, Hagrid. And by the time the new generation is grown up will have the greenhouses replenished and thriving again," she said optimistically. "Can I see them?"

"Was about to go check on the litters myself. Kettleburn is away this weekend. In Ireland, ya see. Said something about Lough Corrib."

"Ah. But why?" she asked as they both exited the hut.

"Wanted to do research, 'parently. Comparin Merrows to our Hogwarts Selkies."

"Are we allowed to call them Selkies? I thought that we were to call all water-dwelling sentients 'Merpeople' to avoid.... unpleasantness," she finished, not exactly sure what other word she had been looking for.

"The Ministry just said that to make it easier on themselves," said Hagrid disapprovingly. "So's they wouldn't have to distinguish the separate races and groups. A political convenience, for them. It'd be like, grouping centaurs and unicorns together because they both have hooves."

"Oh," said Lily, disappointed in herself. "So who falls under which category?"

"Well, for a long time it was said that any water-dwellers that speak Mermish were Merpeople."

"That... makes sense at least."

"Yeh, but then there was the argument of what's Mermish? The Irish Mermish is different from the Scottish Mermish, though still similar, o'course. But it's barely recognisable from the Greek Mermish. Are they dialects or different languages?"

"Oh. So what is the truth then? Are they the same species, different varieties of the same species, or different species all together?"

"Don't know," Hagrid admitted with a shrug.

"How are we supposed to refer to them without being offensive then? If they are all one people, would it be racist to the ones in Hogwarts to call them Selkies? Or if they are all separate, would it be racist to simply say a 'Merperson,' rather than refer to them as their own kind?

"Don't know."

"Does Kettleburn speak Mermish?"

"I assume so. Won't get much research done in Galway, otherwise."

"Then how does Professor Kettleburn call them?"

"By name," Hagrid replied. "Don't really think they care very much."

"Yes, but--"

"Dung eating peasant!"

"Aww! They're so cute!" she exclaimed as she swooped down and watched adoringly as the young ferret like creatures continued shouting lewd phrases at each other. The conversation about Merpeople was completely abandoned.

"Rodger monger!"

"Foul smelling flea forest!" And so on.

"Big lungs for such small things," Lily commented. "How old are they?"

"Just two weeks."

"Only two weeks old?"

"They were squeakin' abuse before they even opened their eyes," he said proudly.

At this stage they were as tiny as any normal baby ferrets would be. In a month they would be thrice the size of their non-magical cousins. Lily picked one up (the littlest of the lot) and stroked it lovingly.

It only managed to feebly squeak, "_Crumb bum,_" which sounded more like a question than anything.

Lily's brows drew down in concern. "Hagrid, is this one alright?"

While its siblings were churning out such things as "Tottering rump-fed lout!" and "Paunchy, toad spotted nincompoop!" the poor Jarvey in her lap barely said anything.

"There's a runt in every litter," he supplied. "Not strong enough to fight his brothers and sisters for their mother's milk."

The mother, an enormous creature with a voice to match bellowed over her offspring "Mewling, urchin-snouted cretins!"

Lily tried to manoeuvre and make space at a teat for her little Jarvey, but the moment she placed him there to suckle he was shoved aside.

"Poor thing,"

.

Lily left the Jarvey den with a promise to pick up the runt, which she had affectionately named "Squeaker" later that evening. She couldn't very well take a swearing Jarvey to a staff meeting, no matter how feeble he and his insults were. Just for a few weeks, she told herself, wondering what James would say about her taking charge of the upbringing of yet another infant animal. As she plodded up the stairs she tried to think of excuses or reasons to give him _other_ than "_But Jaaaames, he was just so cuuuute_..."

She picked up Roo on her way to Dumbledore's office. "How's your Potion's essay coming?" she asked when he stepped out.

"That's the first thing you say to me? Not even a hello? After your weird behaviour at lunch and now this meeting which is bound to be very unpleasant the only thing you can think to say to me is to enquire about a silly Potion's essay?" he asked, incensed.

"You haven't started it have you," she said calmly.

"Not a word." He shrugged; all traces of temper gone.

Lily reached into her bag and pulled out an outline for him to follow and a list of research materials he'd need.

"Library might be closed by the time the meeting is over," he said ruefully.

"No bother. You can borrow my copies if it is."

"Of course you'd have copies."

They met others on the way and shared the ascending spiral staircase with Professors Sinistra, Flitwick, and Babbling. She greeted them all, but seeing as she was no long taking Astronomy or Ancient Runes (having discarded all but the absolute essential classes for her final and most difficult year) she directed her attention to the Charms teacher. Their conversation continued in the Headmaster's office and she didn't stop speaking as her eyes made a quick scan of the room, noting who was and wasn't there.

She was listening to Flitwick's response when she felt him enter.

"Excuse me," he said as he put a hand on her shoulder as he tried to pass by, letting it linger for just an extra moment. Funny, that there is only one second's difference between "Excuse me" and "I love you."

Horace Slughorn caught her eye and for a moment looked as if he were about to say something to her but Minerva McGonagall started speaking to him and he turned around to address her query.

When all were gathered they took their places, not in seats, but standing in more or less a circle. Lily and Rupert, since they were merely there for ceremony and tradition's sake, stood behind the rest.

Dumbledore's office was much smaller than the usual meeting room, so "standing behind the rest" meant standing only a foot behind the ring of Professors in between a table full of odd devices and the striking perch of the even _more_ striking Fawkes. Rupert, who had never seen him (or any phoenix for that matter) gawped openly. The bird favoured him with one beautiful trill before falling silent. Whether or not it had been the intended purpose, the rest of the room fell quiet as well and the meeting began.

"Since yesterday I have been inundated with owls. Parents are withdrawing students from Hogwarts, or expressing their concern for their children's safety." There was a silent shift among the staff before McGonagall took the floor.

An hour later and a whole new set of rules and had been decided upon. Teachers, not just the Prefects, were obligated to patrol the castle during the evening and curfew for all students was moved to an hour after dinner ended. Patrol partners were arbitrarily assigned and to Lily's unexpressed fury, or perhaps jealousy, James was put with the Muggle Studies Professor, Darlene Dippet. The witch seemed pleased and eyed James' duel belt appreciatively. At least, Lily _hoped_ it was the belt she was eyeing... Lily was standing directly behind him so with such an impeded view she couldn't rightly know.

Knowing that it was unimportant and she shouldn't waste thought on it, she forced her attention back to the meeting.

At the suggestion that Quidditch this year be abandoned, seeing as Slytherin could no longer participate and training sessions left the Quidditch players at risk being so exposed outside the castle like that with no supervision, Rupert and James both erupted in violent but predictable protest. Lily tried her hardest not to grin at her Quidditch obsessed boys. She failed only slightly, and Dumbledore caught her eye and gave her the merest of returning grins.

"Depriving the students of one of the few pleasures remaining to them?" Rupert asked loudly. McGonagall was nodding fervently in agreement, clearly thinking that with Slytherin out of the running, Gryffindor had a stronger chance than ever at the cup. It hadn't belonged to Gryffindor since James Potter left.

"I for one," interrupted Sprout. "Don't want to be spending even _more_ of my time watching over my houses practices." Lily cringed on behalf of poor Hufflepuff's Quidditch team; how disappointed they'd be if they could hear their Head of House let them down like this. To her dismay, McGonagall's expression changed, considering Sprout's point and how it pertained to her schedule. As Deputy Headmistress, she wouldn't have the time to go out and supervise practices on top of all her other duties. She sighed, knowing that she would have to cave.

"I'd be willing to watch over Ravenclaw," said Flitwick hopefully.

"And I would take over Professor's Sprout's responsibilities for Hufflepuff," offered the flying instructor herself, Madame Hooch, who, along with the rest of the staff, turned to McGonagall for the deciding vote. Her face fell, not wanting to let down the students but having no other choice. She was a full time professor and the deputy headmistress, a head of house and now in charge of the new strict patrols. She didn't have time and there was no one else who had the time to—

"I'll do it," James said firmly. "I'll supervise Gryffindor for you, Minerva."

"What?" Lily whispered loudly. James quickly stamped on her foot, effectively silencing further protests that may have been forthcoming. What was he doing? James didn't even have enough time for the responsibilities he already had. What on earth made him think he had time to do this? Well, that was a stupid question. This was Quidditch after all. She shouldn't have been surprised.

"Are you sure, Potter? You, of all people--"

"I'll do it. Ferris," he said, turning his back on the circle to face Roo. "How often does Gryffindor practice?"

Rupert, who was grinning broadly, answered, "Once a week, Professor. I'm sure the lads would be willing to shift their own schedules to fit yours if it allows them to keep playing."

"But-" Lily didn't get any further for James' glower was so severe it stopped the protest in her throat so suddenly she very nearly choked on it. As if that hadn't been enough, he had Roo's added glare to back him up.

"So Quidditch at Hogwarts will continue?" James asked, turning back McGonagall.

She glanced between the Head Girl and the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor dubiously. "If you insist, Potter," she said uncertainly.

"I do. Thank you. Now that we've sorted that, on to other matters."

"Quite," Dumbledore agreed. Her objections had been strictly out of principle. She wouldn't stop him from any Quidditch related activity (couldn't even if she wanted to.) She wouldn't stand in the way of something so dear to him, something that made him happy. She wouldn't deny him anything that could make him smile, in a time where his pleasures were so few and far between. In fact, a break between his two jobs was probably exactly what he needed. Dumbledore continued onto the next matter and James stepped back a pace to be almost side to side with Lily.

"Don't even start," he whispered furiously out of the corner of his mouth.

"I think it's wonderful," she whispered back, beaming.

'_You do?_' he seemed to ask with the tilt of his head. "But you just said--"

She waved that point aside. "How could anything Quidditch possibly be a bad thing? You want this. Need this. _Deserve_ this." she whispered passionately.

He grinned at her and whispered so quietly even _she_ barely heard, "_If we weren't in a room full of people right now I swear I'd have you--_"

But what delicious fate would have awaited her she didn't find out; for someone, Rupert, she thought, coughed loudly and he turned his back to her to listen to Dumbledore speak.

To her extreme and ever growing annoyance, Dippet, somehow thinking that because she was the Muggle Studies professor that she had some key to the current problem of the growing muggle and muggleborn targeted attacks, kept voicing her opinions and suggestions. Lily was even more annoyed with herself for knowing just _why_ she found the woman so irritating, and it had less to do with old grudges and more to do with the way her eyes kept darting over to James to mark his reactions to her comments.

Lily felt some small satisfaction when James rather coldly shot down her idea that they bring more aurors into Hogwarts.

"Do you imagine there is some great store room where we keep the spare aurors? Well we don't have any in reserve and the number we do have continues to dwindle." There was a pause and Lily knew James was thinking of the aurors lost at St. Mungo's. Unable to reach out and hold him she silently sent a soft breeze to the back of his head, gently stirring his hair. He continued. "Despite the parents' fears, Hogwarts remains comparatively the safest place available. The magic of the castle alone is formidable, but the concentration of qualified witches and wizards is better protection that most places can boast."

"And yet _you_ are posted here," she commented.

James took a moment before replying, trying to decide just how much he should say. "But for more reasons than to sit and be a security patrol wizard."

"So it's safe to say that the Ministry suspects dark activity _within_ the school."

"No," said Lily firmly, then inwardly groaned at herself. She had been so good, hadn't said a single word that went beyond the ears of James and Rupert. She had meant to stay silent this meeting, she most certainly wouldn't draw attention to herself and now she'd gone and opened her mouth just because she wasn't big enough to simply ignore the woman. At her one word, the circle broke as people turned to study her.

"I beg your pardon? From what Potter has just said it seems to be quite evident. Unless you pretend to know more than the auror himself," she said smugly, obviously certain she'd made an unassailable point. True, Lily didn't presume to go against James, but that wasn't her argument. She was simply petty enough to fault the woman her for syntax.

"No, of course no one knows his business better than himself." She gave him a respectful nod. "But just because something's _true_ to say doesn't make it _safe_ to say." She trailed off, growing more self conscious under everyone's gaze.

This statement, which seemed such an obvious truth it therefore wasn't even worth mentioning, caused the room to fall even quieter than it had been. Surely one of these days she would get in trouble for talking back, and James and Dumbledore wouldn't be able to defend her.

The woman rolled her eyes and growled. "It was just an expression."

"Of course, Professor Dipppet, of course, but Miss Evans raises an important point. I believe discretion would be in everyone's best interest."

McGonagall, sensing the tension changed the topic to the upcoming scheduled Hogsmeade visit.

"I think it should be cancelled," said James. "After the last one..."

"But it's the only opportunity most students have of getting what they need for the fête the weekend after. Unless... we aren't having it anymore?" So much for all the planning they had done for it, Lily thought.

"What if groups were chaperoned by staff members?"

"500 students for 15 teachers?" James asked sceptically. Lily didn't know if a Hogsmeade visit would be worth troubling the Order, but certain members like Sirius, Peter, Dung, and Remus (if he was feeling able) could surely make time to stand guard in the village main street at the most popular shops to keep an eye on things. Lily couldn't exactly raise this point, however. Not in the present company, anyway. And surely she wasn't the only one with that idea.

Just then the fireplace blazed green and the familiar voice of Alastor Moody grated on their ears. "Albus!"

"Alastor, good evening," Dumbledore greeted politely. Lily wondered if the man ever forgot his manners and forwent pleasantries. She'd never seen him do it. Similarly, she couldn't recall Moody ever having bothered with them.

"Fetch Evans. I want her to look at something."

Lily was surprised at the request, but not nearly as surprised as the rest of the staff seemed to be. James strode to the fireplace.

"I thought we agreed you'd leave her out of it," he said. Her eyebrows rose at this. 'Leave her out of what?' she thought. She defiantly went to stand next to him at the fireplace.

"I'm here Moody," she said but James put an arm out to keep her from jumping into the fire.

"Leave her go, Potter. This is a different matter."

"Oh?" he asked, unconvinced.

"8267 E," the Head Auror replied. Curses. Which one had that been again? Lily tried hard to remember from what she had read in James' files. _Oh, that's right_. Now she remembered.

"I'm going," she said resolutely. She could read it in his eyes, the concern and the warning. She didn't care. She would do anything she could in regards to Weyland. "And Merlin help you if you try to stop me," she added lowly.

Exhaling in a powerful huff, he crossed his arms over his chest and strode back to the other side of the room. Lily turned back to the fire and waited for Moody to withdraw his head before she jumped in.

After few moments of whirling through the network and the obligatory security question, Lily was seated across his desk, waiting. He handed her a piece of parchment.

"Recognise this?" he asked. She scanned it.

"No," she answered perplexedly. He handed her another.

"How about this?"

She shook her head. "No."

"You didn't write these?" he asked handing her a third.

"No. Wait, this one yes," she confirmed, indicating the sheet of parchment, the last letter she'd written him. The other two on her lap, however, were completely foreign to her. She scanned the remaining letters, her heart sinking.

"Looks as if your Euphrates wasn't that innocent after all," he grumbled.

"I asked him to," she replied. "Well, I told him to keep his ears open, I didn't ask him to actively pursue the matter. Surely this was just his attempt to get-"

Moody interrupted with a growl of mocking disbelief.

"It's true!" she persisted.

"How do you know?"

"Because I know Weyland. Besides, if he were trying to join Volde-"

"Not the name," he growled. Lily rolled her eyes.

"If he were trying to join _You-Know-Who­, _why would he have written that last letter about Zarah and the Dark Lord?"

"Disinformation."

"My arse!"

"We only have that letter to prove that woman Zarah even existed."

"And if he were working for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named then why even bother with disinformation when _no_ information at all would serve them better?"

"Not necessarily."

"What are you getting at Moody? Is there something else you aren't telling me?"

"Is there something else _you_ aren't telling _me_?"

_Yes._ "No."

He then handed her a fourth parchment. A copy of Weyland's letter to her, written in James' hand. She knew he'd read it but she hadn't known he'd made a copy and sent it to Moody. She forced the anger away and said, "What's your point?"

"He seemed very insistent in the end that you explain everything you and 'your lot' found out."

Lily sighed, rather tired of this. "Alright. I give up. Let's just say that you've convinced me. So what? You wouldn't bring me here just to tell me he was a traitor. He's gone now, and can't do any more harm."

"I brought you here so you could fill in the gaps. Things aren't adding up."

"Not surprising when you have it all wrong," she said mordantly. "What makes you so sure he was lying?"

"Because," Moody growled with almost a triumphant sneer. "Deep in Azkaban is a man who knew him 50 years ago."

_Oh no_, Lily thought, wondering what part of his pre-PVA past was about to come to light. "And?"

"And if he fought on Grindelwald's side in the past, why not You-Know-Who's side now?"

"Because people change," she said through gritted teeth. "And his participation in the last war wasn't ideological."

"So you _did_ know about it," he asked, eyes narrowing.

"I didn't see what relevance it had to this. He was young; he had just turned and was new to the world of vampiracy. He was easily influenced by those older and more experienced. It was about being accepted, not about fighting for Grindelwald."

"Doesn't change the fact. The things he did--"

"He was a _vampire_!" she cried. "What choice did he have? It wasn't until 1958 that the PVA was founded and the first blood banks created. Even now in other European countries these institutions aren't widespread and in some places they are _still_ completely non-existent. What choice do we give them? The moment more peaceful means were made available he took advantage of them and spent his life trying to make up for his past, like helping the Order, for example!"

"Sit down and calm yourself, girl," Moody commanded. Lily hadn't even realised she had risen from her chair. Obediently, she took a deep breath and lowered herself back into her seat.

"Sorry."

"Now if you want to prove he's innocent I'll give you that chance. Not because I care but because we have all his personal belongings and no one who knows enough about him to go through them. You know more about him than any of us here, so you have the best chance of making the most sense of it. If you do come across anything, you let me know."

"Yes sir," she said accepting a package that no doubt contained far more than it appeared. Moody waved his wand at the parcel, Lily recognised the spell.

"Password?"

"Branislav."

The package sealed and Lily put it securely under one arm.

"What's Branislav?"

"His father's name. What was it that I was meant to be kept out of?"

"What? Oh that. Not entirely unrelated. A vampire in Azkaban is being sentenced to the kiss. You'd mentioned something similar before and thought it might be worth it to watch. Dumbledore and I are going but Potter wanted you out of it."

"I want to go."

"I knew you would. And I won't stop you. You can argue it out with Potter."

'And isn't that going to be a lovely argument,' Lily thought. She'd have to find a way to not pass out, seeing as she wouldn't be allowed to conjure a patronus in Azkaban. Something told her Sirius wasn't about to hand over the necklace either, not that she had any real desire to after his account of it. Unless she let James go without her and she see his memory, but could one conjure a patronus while in a pensieve? She'd work that out later.

"Evans!" he called just as she was about to step back into the fireplace.

"Yes sir?"

"You know what you're _really_ to do with that?"

"Of course, sir," she replied, tossing the powder in and disappearing.

The staff meeting was still ongoing when she arrived back in Dumbledore's office. Her entry back into the room stopped the conversation and everyone watched her. The Potion's master, she noticed, eyed her with something she couldn't discern. Was she imagining it or did he seem disappointed? Perhaps even worried.

She coughed a bit and lowered her head so her hair hid face as she crossed the room, clutching the package to her chest. James stepped aside to let her pass so she could hide behind him, retaking her place in between Rupert and Fawkes.

"What did I miss?" she asked quietly. Roo began brushing soot off her robes.

"About 27 new rules," he said forlornly.

"And more work for us all," James added, picking ash out of her hair.

She batted their hands out of the way. "Quite preening you two and give me actual details. What about the Hogsmeade weekend?"

"Still on, after _much_ debating, and ridiculously organised," James answered eyeing the bundle in her arms.

"And the new rules?"

"To sum up?" said Roo. "No more anything but class, homework, and meals."

"And Quidditch?" she asked.

Both men smiled. "And Quidditch," they replied as one. Professor Sprout shushed them and they ceased their own private conversation, cleared their throats awkwardly and turned their attention back to the meeting.

When it finally ended Lily waited til the staff had gone to (very) briefly explain to the Headmaster what Moody had implicitly and explicitly charged her to do. To her relief he didn't try to keep her there and discuss it further. He merely nodded, gave her a book, and bade her go.

Rupert was waiting at the gargoyle for her when she descended.

"Do you think all these measures are really necessary?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she answered truthfully. "But it's more for peace of mind. Just less to worry about with students tucked away. We have to appear as if we are doing _something_, make some changes to pacify worried parents." Then she lowered her voice. "But you are right, a new curfew and more patrols aren't going to stop anyone who is truly bent on hurting us."

"That's..." Rupert cleared his throat. "Not exactly what I meant."

Lily shrugged. "Do you get the feeling we've been demoted?" she asked. "The Heads and the Prefects?"

"No. I don't think we ever had any real clout to begin with. It was just a front to make kids feel responsible. The important things were always left to the professors."

"Well that I knew. But do you get the feeling they are trying to... never mind."

"Well I haven't been Head Boy for very long so I wouldn't know either way."

They walked in silence for a few moments before he spoke again.

"So I guess you aren't going to tell me what Auror Moody wanted you for."

"Just questions about Weyland, that's all."

"And that parcel you have under your arm?"

"Some of his old things."

"Oh." He sounded both relieved and disappointed. It was probably better that way, not to mention so much easier to explain. She could just see herself. '_Actually Rooey, I am going to make an utterly futile attempt to find the secret of vampiric immortality by studying my now dead formerly undead friend in an effort to find out how Voldemort created a stone that steals life _and_ whether or not formerly undead friend was in fact, the monster he was afraid everyone would accuse him of being..'_ Right. Even in her own head it sounded ridiculous. Rupert might actually not be too surprised. She knew he could handle it, but she doubted herself. If she told him, not only would that involve telling him the truth about having absorbed an innocent man's life, but also she would have _his_ expectations to live up to, and he had much more faith in her abilities. Moody didn't seem to think there was much hope in the idea, which was good, because even though she hadn't even see the material yet, she doubted she could learn anything useful.

She didn't want anyone to get their hopes up. This would be a mission she would almost certainly fail. There was no chance she, lowly student who knew nothing about life and death magic, could discover what Voldemort had managed to learn. He had spent several days and nights with a live vampire performing who knew what kind of experiments. She had only her mind, remnants of a vampire's past, and a book the Headmaster had given her.

"See you tomorrow Roo," she said as they parted company in front of his rooms.

As she continued down the following flights of stairs to her own room she wondered yet again if she were being followed. Hand already on her wand (as it always was when she was walking about by herself) she removed it from the constraints of her pocket.

"_Easy, love. Just me_," came a warm whisper from behind, reassuring her. The tension that had knotted in her gut eased, then vanished all together as warmth pooled in her belly. She'd grown so used to that silky invisible touch of the cloak, but she hadn't yet (and hope she never did) become immune to the warmth beneath it.

The pool turned quickly cold when she saw someone standing in front of her portrait hole, obviously waiting for her. If not Roo, not Sirius, not James... then _not welcome_. Her steps slowed and stiffened as she approached, seeing who her visitor was and not looking forward to whatever she could have to say.

"I should have seen this coming," she said under her breath to James. She was bound to get into trouble for mouthing off in staff meetings.

"Good evening Professor Dippet," she greeted, stopping in front of her rooms, but not opening the portrait hole.

"Miss Evans, I wondered if I might have a word with you."

"Tonight? It's already quite late." _And I have a young Jarvey to collect._

"Yes."

"Very well," she replied, leaning against the stone wall, waiting for the lecture.

"May I come in?"

"My rooms aren't very suitable for visitors." _Seeing as James' things and family heirlooms were scattered all about the place. _

"I'll have you know I was Head Girl too in my day. I know the rooms are sizable enough to accommodate a small conversation."

"The Head Girl's rooms might be accommodating but that doesn't matter if the Head Girl herself is not."

"This," she said pointing an angry finger accusingly at Lily's face. "This is exactly what I'm talking about. Your cheek."

'_Go on, do it. You know you want to,'_ a voice encouraged her in her mind. She thought it rather sounded like Sirius'. She lifted a hand and touched the delicate bone of her face. "What about my cheek? Have I something on my face?"

"I will not tolerate disrespect Miss Evans. I am a Professor at this school. And while other professors may give you special treatment your prerogative as Head Girl only goes so far and you overstep your boundaries time and time again." Well that certainly was true in more ways the Muggle Studies professor knew, Lily thought. "You may be everyone's favourite but you are still _just a student_ and you would do well to remember that."

"How could I forget?" she said. There was no bite in her statement at all. In fact, it was something that Lily thought about a lot. She lived in fear that everyone would suddenly wake up one day and realise it too, that she was just a student, a mudblood student, unworthy to be in the Order, unworthy to be with...

She could feel his hand leave her, and the corridor felt suddenly much chillier than before. That familiar sinking feeling overcame her. The kind she had experienced the first day back from the Christmas holidays. Seeing James' expressionless face at being reminded that she was after all _just a student._

She held Moody's package tight to her chest. At least she had some importance; she was the friend of a departed vampire. She sighed, thinking that if that was the extent of her import, she'd rather be inconsequential and have Weyland back.

Dippet seemed to notice her movement. "And whatever affiliations you have with Auror Moody--" She said the name somewhat sarcastically, "Does not earn you any special rights above your classmates or Professors. Do you understand?"

"You've made yourself pretty clear. Are you quite finished or did you have something of actual importance to say?"

The witch looked furious. "20 points from--"

"Good evening Professor Dippet!" James was all smiles and cheer. "Why not let the Head Girl go to bed and let me escort you back to your room. Draughty old castle corridors are no places to for lovely ladies to linger on nights like these."

Lily thought James was being a bit heavy handed with the charm, but Dippet lapped up every ounce of sap he dished out. They walked off arm in arm and Lily watched them until they disappeared up the stairs and around the corner. She could hear the woman's laughter echo through the 'draughty castle corridors'. With a huff, Lily said the password and entered her room.

If she were an irrational woman, she might think that James, having overheard Dippet's rant, had become disenchanted with Lily, and in front of her face picked up the very same woman who had been giving out to her. Lily, however, was not an irrational woman; knew that James had only charmed the witch to get her out of Lily's hair before she had the chance of taking 20 points from Gryffindor. No indeed, Lily was not an irrational woman...

So why was her blood boiling as if she were?

There was a knock at the door. This time she was genuinely nervous. Who would be knocking at her portrait hole at a quarter past 11 in the evening? It wouldn't be a student in need, because it was after curfew and they would have to take any emergency to their Head of House.

"Lily? I forgot about the books! For potions, remember?" came Rupert's voice. Relieved, Lily opened the door. Roo sidled in and immediately and eyed her bookshelf uncertainly. "I never really realised how many books you actually have here."

Lily pulled the relevant volumes from their shelves and handed them to her friend.

"Why the gnashing of teeth?" he asked, taking her in with a quick sweep.

"What?"

"You're cross about something."

"Nothing. It's nothing. Just be being.... irrational."

"What about?"

"Dippet. She just gave out to me for being cheeky." _And enumerated my insecurities in echoing hallways and in front of James and now I can't get them out of my head_, she thought. _That and she is labouring under the false impression that James is interested in her, and he's not._ Of course Lily knew the truth, so why did it matter? It didn't. She just wanted to wipe that superior smirk off the witch's face.

"Mmhmm," he agreed knowingly, as if he already knew. "I saw her and erm... Well I saw her going up as I was coming down. Oh and look, you have an owl."

Lily turned to the perch by the window. Sure enough Ebony was gone (off hunting most likely) and another bird stood in her place. How long had it been waiting there? It could have hooted or something to let her know it was there instead of sitting quietly as she huffed about.

She took the letter from the owl's leg and opened it quickly after making sure it was safe. She read the letter, it took a long time considering the shortness of length, but she had to keep rereading it.

"Nice belt Professor." Rupert's impressed voice penetrated her thoughts.

"Thank you, Ferris. I quite like it myself."

"Right then. Now that I've got the books, best get started on that essay now for Slughorn."

It was the Potion Master's name that finally jolted her out of the momentary stupor. She tore her eyes away from the parchment and looked at the two men. "What? Oh, yes. I'll see you tomorrow, Roo."

"G'night." He smiled at Lily and nodded at James before excusing himself, if he though it was odd James should come into her room at this time of evening he didn't show it. Well, she had been summoned by Moody that evening, if he asked later she could say that he came by to discuss work. Which would probably be true.

James bounded across the room and squeezed her to him, pressing his hips into her back. "I love it when you're cheeky," he said kissing her neck. "And you were right to say what you did in the meeting. Some people need to know the importance of keeping their mouths shut."

Lily stiffened at the expression, reminding her of Sirius' accusation earlier that day, but those skilful hands relaxed her worry away. It would be all too easy to forget all but him and what he was doing, but she couldn't let herself ignore important things.

"I received an owl from Slughorn," she said. James lips instantly stopped and his arms around her loosened.

"Nothing ruins the mood like a Slytherin," he mumbled, then added more loudly, "What does he say?"

"He says the Ministry Brewing Department is willing to patent the potion he submitted on my behalf. They want to buy the rights off me."

"Let me guess, and he wants a cut?"

"I don't know, he didn't mention that. He just wants to meet me to discuss it."

"Puh." He let her go and went to sit down in front of the table and pull out parchment from that leather bag of his. He reached far across the table to bring the ink well closer to him, dipped his quill and started working.

"How much should I expect?"

"Couldn't tell you. Depends on the importance and 'marketability' of the potion. Which at present is probably at an all time low."

Lily sighed. James might not care about money, but Lily had to think about the future. She didn't have a handsome inheritance and two full time salaries. All the same, any gold would be welcome. Should she consult the Headmaster? No, she'd feel bad troubling him with something so unimportant.

"Well I'll find out tomorrow I suppose," she said, quickly borrowing James' quill and adding a response before sending the owl back. Lily couldn't help but think back to the staff meeting earlier. Slughorn's eyes had locked on hers, and Lily could have sworn there had been some desperation in them.

She handed back the writing instrument only then remembering she was angry with him.

"Two things, James Potter."

"Yes, Lily Evans?"

"Number one, you sent my letter to Mad Eye without informing me."

"True."

"Explanation?"

"I... didn't want to wake you?" he ventured uncertainly.

"Try again."

"I didn't want to hurt your feelings by bringing it up so soon after?"

"Try again."

"I knew you wouldn't want me to so I went behind your back to do it anyway because it needed to be done?"

"There we go. No apology required because, as you say, I was sleeping, I was probably not ready to deal with it, and it needed to be done. Although those first two were weak parries, they were, unfortunately, true. Just tell me in future if you are going to pilfer my private property for work, so big wanks like Moody can't catch me off guard later by throwing it in my face."

"Fair enough," he said evenly. "Number two?"

"Can't you guess?"

"Probably, but I'd hate to miss the mark and bring up something you haven't thought to be cross about yet."

"You were going to try to keep me out of it."

"Ah..." he said in comprehension, and put down his quill. He pushed his glasses up his nose. "Now that you know I suppose I can't stop you."

"You were going to keep me entirely in the dark."

"I was."

This was the oddest fight they'd ever had. Although they both obviously felt very strongly about the topic, neither raised their voices. Instead they went on as if they were discussing something as mundane as Belvedere's Principle of Curse Deflection.

"Again, I require an explanation."

"I don't think you need one. It's obvious, isn't it?"

"Yes, because you are an older wiser man it's your responsibility to protect the young stupid female from thoughtlessly running headlong into the dangerous overpowering company of dementors without giving the matter any thought. That's touching, James dear, incredibly touching."

He looked slightly ashamed at this, which gratified Lily.

"Now that's taken care of, on to logistics."

x

"The fact of the matter is that you can't go near a dementor without falling into whatever hell they drag you because you're... you're...." _Cursed. _

"That's not the point. The point was that you were going to hide this from me entirely. Did it not occur to you that I might want to have time to prepare and do research, form a list of questions and things to look out for, things to take note of when _you_ witness the kiss? When will it be? I'll need to go to the library first thing tomorrow morning and start reading up on what I can."

"So you are agreeing not to go?"

"No, I'll still try to contrive a way to be there myself. But if I _can't_ then of course I won't. There's no point in my going if I'm just going to pass out when I get there."

James nodded. "February tenth."

"I have so many more questions. So this prisoner, obviously he's a vampire but how long has he been in Azkaban. Do they feed him?"

"I don't know the details."

"Do you have the authority to request information about prisoners?"

James tilted his head and sighed, pulling out a fresh sheet of parchment. After filling a third of the page with text and adding his signature below, he blew on it and rolled it up before taking two more items out of his old leather bag. A stick of wax, which with a simple spell he melted and let it drip onto the paper, and a seal, the ministry one with the crossed wands of the auror department, which he pressed onto the gooey red blob.

He handed it to her saying "Give it to Ebony when she returns."

She beamed, taking the letter thankfully and showered kisses on his face. He couldn't help but grin slightly himself. She was rarely that affectionate.

"I'm forgiven then?"

"For what?" This wasn't an innocent question; she just wanted him to admit, in his own words, that he was wrong. Although he knew that was her goal, for some reason he humoured her.

"For not consulting you on something that closely relates to a project you are so keen on."

"And..."

He growled and rolled his eyes. "And for not giving you enough credit to act sensibly on your own. I'll no longer be so stupid as to take your _feelings_ into account when I make my decisions," he said sarcastically. Honestly, any normal woman would have been thankful their wizard had been so thoughtful. At least, they should have been.

"Good," she said giving him another quick peck on the mouth. "You know I don't have feelings."

"Uh huh."

"Not when your work is concerned. My feelings don't come into play. Remember?"

James twitched, which caused Lily to look at him oddly. "Are you alright?"

He swivelled his head around, taking in the sight of her then removed his father's duel belt and tossed it onto the floor. He wasn't going to be like his father. He loved and respected his father; felt pride in being his son, but he would _not_ turn into him.

He took her chin in his hand. "Look at me." She did so, with wide, inquisitive green eyes. How could he put this to make her understand? "Don't think that just because I am what I am-" Keeping his eyes on her, he groped for the duel belt on the ground with his other hand and held it up. Her eyes darted to it then back to him. "That you aren't any less--"

Words failed him. His breathing was quick, his eyes darted between hers, urgently searching for something, some reassurance that she understood. "You know I care, yes?" he asked desperately.

"Of course," she said, bewildered. James sighed. She still didn't get it. She looked at him as if he were about to spring some bad news upon her; as if his statement was to be followed by a '_however...'_

But there was no 'however.'

"James? What--"

He cut her off with a rather sloppy kiss that took even him by surprise. "Shh..." he told her, before going back again with a more controlled effort. When he finally pulled away minutes later she was looking at him worriedly, stroking the back of his neck in a reassuring way. But then her lips bloomed in a small warm smile.

"Thank you," she whispered. He thought maybe this time his efforts hadn't been lost on her. Gracefully, as if she were submerged in water, her arm flowed down and grasped the leather strap he had once again abandoned on the floor and began to refasten it around his waist. James opened his mouth to protest but-

"I know," she assured him. "But you can be _this_-" She stroked his cheek with one hand. "And this." She stroked his sheathed wand. "Both faithfully at the same time. You don't _have_ to choose."

_Not yet, anyway,_ he thought darkly. _Please Merlin, never put me to that decision. Spare me another Mungo's._ He wondered if his boggart had changed since last he'd seen it. It occurred to him that he had seen Lily's boggart, but she hadn't seen his. Before he had purposefully stood in her way so she wouldn't be able to. Would she be disappointed if his boggart hadn't changed? His stomach growled audibly, thankfully pulling him out of his thoughts and breaking the heavy silence of the moment.

"I missed dinner," he admitted.

"As did I."

To the kitchens they went. Lily caused no little uproar when she told the elves when she wanted to cook for herself. She was victorious in the end, but through no argumentative prowess, she simply ordered them to let her be, asking Poppy alone to bring her what she wanted.

"What's on the menu?" he asked.

"Soup," she replied, taking a knife in one hand, flipping it in the air and catching it again in the same way she always did before preparing potion ingredients. She began chopping and slicing, not with the _exact _same precision she did with potion ingredients but with the very same grace and assuredness.

"You miss it, don't you." It wasn't a question.

"What?" she asked.

"Brewing. It's obvious. You're going through deprivation and it's only been what, a week?" he asked playfully.

"Longer than I've ever gone since I started Hogwarts," she said with a sad smile. "Even in the summer we'd always--" She stopped abruptly. "I've grown used to brewing several times a week in class and, as my extensive personal collection can attest, in my spare time as well. It's relaxing."

James had long since grown accustomed to the idea that she was a 'potion person.' Somehow it wasn't a bad thing anymore. James wondered vaguely why liking potions ever was. House stereotypes, that's how. There wasn't anything intrinsically vulgar about potions, only the connections one generally made with them.

The potatoes flew into the large pot with gentle splashes, followed by other tasty looking titbits. She went through the expansive spice rack, opening a bottle, smelling it, and either adding it or putting it back as she saw fit. It was then it actually hit him. She _wasn't_ brewing.

"_Ah..._" James sighed in utter contentment. _She cooks_. She probably wouldn't be happy to learn how much the revelation pleased him, so he kept him mouth shut and simply smiled as he watched her work.

It seemed as if potion brewing ability and cooking ability went hand in hand. Sirius wouldn't admit it but he excelled in both. Slughorn, gourmand that he was, further proved the idea.

"Best soup I've ever had," he declared, slurping up what was left in his bowl without the use of his spoon.

"You only say that because you love me. You're biased."

He shrugged. "Perhaps." It didn't stop him from wanting more though.

"Sqeaker!" she exclaimed suddenly. James was entirely confused by this random outburst but before he could ask she turned to him. "Feel like going for a night time stroll?"

He narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Why?"

"I told Hagrid I'd come by to pick up something."

"Oh." That wasn't so bad. In fact James wouldn't mind visiting the half giant. Not for too long though, it was getting late and while James didn't have class first thing in the morning, she did. "One more bowl first."

x

Lily knocked on Hagrid's door. "It's me!" she announced. They waited but no sound came from within. "Hagrid?" Still nothing. Lily shrugged. "I guess we'll go on without him."

She sent her patronus out to say hello to Mercury before heading off in the direction of the Jarvey den.

"Just out of curiosity," James began idly. "Where are we going?"

"Mangy, flea-bitten, dung heap!"

"Bugger off!"

"We're here!" Lily said happily as her wand light fell on the nest.

"Ah," James said in understanding. "Jarvey. What on earth are we..."

James stopped speaking when he saw that Lily had a newly conjured bottle in her hand. "Now see here—" he began, but was cut off.

"Hold him, will you?" she asked, handing the smallest one to him before turning back to the mother and the rest of the litter. She rolled up her sleeves. She had never milked a Jarvey before, but it couldn't be that difficult, could it?

Kneeling down to the ground, mumbling soothing words, she gently reached towards the mother. The moment her hand came into contact the creature yowled angrily and snapped at her. She withdrew quickly. She might have to rethink this.

To her annoyance, James started chuckling at her. She looked over to him with a raised eyebrow. "And just what do you find so amusing, Potter?"

"I simply expected better from you, that's all. Here, let me." He ignored her sputterings of protest, handed her Squeaker and kissed her on the cheek. Lily sat down indignantly but didn't move to stop him. How he thought he was better able she didn't know, but she watched intently to find out. He gave her a wink as he began to rub his hands together, warming them up with the friction.

"Would you want to be touched with frigid fingers?" he asked suggestively.

Well, she should have thought of that, she had to concede. Her own hands were freezing. If James had approached _her_ with hands as cold as hers she'd probably act similarly to the mother Jarvey. She refused to let him gloat about it though and turned her attention to the Jarvey in her lap.

"Crumb bum?" the babe in her arm murmured uncertainly. Lily couldn't help but smile down at him.

"You'll have to learn better insults than that, little one," she said as she stroked its tiny coat affectionately.

"Crumb bum." At least that time it was said with a bit more force. She looked up to see James working away, muttering things she couldn't hear to the Jarvey. She found it more and more difficult to keep a hold of her bitterness the longer she watched him.

The fire blazed higher the moment they returned to her common room. They hadn't dallied in the forest long enough to do anything but milk the mother. She let James transfigure a sort of sleeping box for the Jarvey as she fed it. Fond memories of Mercury came back to her. It wasn't normal for unicorns to interact with humans, but she still wished she could see him more often. She had hoped he would have responded to her patronus, but either he didn't feel like it or had been far away.

"I've missed that tune," James said.

"What tune?"

"The lullaby you were humming," he answered, placing the very comfortable looking box down next to her.

Had she been humming? She hadn't even realised. Once the Jarvey had been fed she waited until he fell asleep before she placed him in his box.

"Sleeping is he?" James asked in a whisper. Lily nodded. "Good."

Leering meaningfully at her, he began rubbing his hands together to warm them and his lips quirked up into a grin...

x

Lily awoke from a distressingly vivid nightmare. James threw an arm up to bring her back down, but didn't say anything. She rather suspected he was still asleep. Trying to control her breathing she pressed her back into him.

They had been in Dover. James was in the air bleeding from Sectumsempra and Lily had killed the masked Death Eater with the constriction curse. When she went over to James he vanished, but then she noticed that several other masked men were on the ground dead. Had she killed them all? She had only intended to get the one. Pulling back the mask of her original target she saw it was Togglepike. Quickly moving onto the next one to take of their mask she found Remus lying there dead as well. Horror filled her. She hadn't meant for that to happen. She hadn't known. The next man lying dead beside Remus was Sirius. After him was Hagrid, Rupert, James. She'd killed them all and she didn't even know how.

Now awake and thinking she tried to make sense of it. She had killed a man. And yet somehow his death had never truly bothered her before. Perhaps that was the terrifying part. She had so easily and carelessly ended someone's life. She hadn't even seen his face when she fired that fatal curse. It had been so easy, and yet it shouldn't have been. She felt terrified now. She hadn't been forced to see the consequences at the time. Moody had shuffled everything around nicely so James, an auror with a licence to kill, took the responsibility for the Death Eater's demise. She got off scot free. After that she hadn't given it much thought.

But she had killed a man.

She would do it again if needs be, but she swore to herself in the future if it ever came to that it would be with more reflection both before and after.

Knowing she wouldn't go back to sleep, she crawled out of bed and dressed for the day, even though 'day' was still a while off.

x

Being awake this far away from dawn was almost vulgar, Remus thought.

"What time is it?" he mumbled.

"Twenty passed five," Lily replied. "How are you feeling?"

"Awake," he complained. "But don't worry, there's a cure," he said, and promptly buried his face in his pillow again. And yet, there was something utterly appealing that lured him away from the enticing clutches of sleep. His stomach growled, his nostrils flared, and one eye half-reluctantly opened. "What is that smell?"

"Soup." He sniffed the air again, certain that there was food but this time caught the scent of something else entirely. He couldn't place what the light musk was. "How are you really feeling?" she asked.

"Fine," he answered almost entirely truthfully as he pushed himself up and began rubbing sleep from his eyes. He felt her cool hand pressed to his forehead and cheek, searching for a fever that wasn't there. "Just tired, but that's hardly new."

"Crumb bum!"

Remus stopped rubbing his eyes and just sat there staring at her for a moment. "I beg your pardon?"

Lily smiled sheepishly and from some slight of hand produced a baby animal that was now sucking on one of her fingers. Remus shook his head for a second, banishing the last vapours of sleep as things began to make sense. The light musk and feeble insult had come from a baby Jarvey.

"Adopted another one, have we?"

"Well, he was so little and wasn't able to get enough milk so—hey!" She was now looking at him with wide hopeful eyes. "Seeing as you are bedridden, you could keep an eye on him!"

"Me?"

"He needs constant attention and I feel bad for keeping him in my pocket. You can keep each other company."

"I've never had a pet, I don't know what I'd do."

"You've know James, Sirius and Peter for how long now?" she joked, then added seriously, "You took Care of Magical Creatures when you were in school, you can handle this."

"But it's just a baby, Lily. How am I supposed to know what it needs?"

"It's not that hard. Just love it and the rest will follow."

"I'm afraid my maternal instincts aren't as keen as yours." He eyed the little one dubiously. Lily rolled her eyes and simply put the baby animal in Remus' lap. He blinked at it, then looked up at her, then back to the Jarvey again. Tentatively, he scooped it up in his hands and the little beast immediately began licking his thumb. He grinned and carefully stroked its head.

Lily held out a bottle which he took. The little one mumbled, "crumb bum" and abandoned Remus' thumb for the more appetising bottle. He simply sat there as the Jarvey gurgled.

"Not so hard, is it?" said Lily with a smile, placing a sort of nest basket on the bed next to him. "I just came to check up on you. I have to get back to the school. Research in the library and I intend on ambushing Slughorn before first period."

"Why the surprise attack?" he ask as Lily shouldered her school bag.

"He wants to meet tonight, and so I want to take him off guard and get the truth out of him this morning when he's not expecting it. Whatever it is he's hiding, I want to find out. Slytherins generally don't do something just to be nice."

"You know, you are almost Slytherin, betimes."

"More often than not, Remus. _More often than not_."

x

After another quick trip to the library Lily was wondering again just how knowledgeable Madame Pince must be. One of these days Lily would try to wrangle an entire conversation out of the woman. She was convinced such an effort would in the end be fruitful. But not this morning.

Stopping in the Great Hall only to grab a piece of fruit and some toast she left again, having not seen Slughorn at the Head Table. In her brief scan of the Hall she noted that James _was_ there. Surprisingly. He didn't have class on Tuesday mornings, he could have slept in.

"Oi, where—"

"Dungeons," she answered Rupert's question before he could finish asking it. She walked purposefully down to the potion's classroom, hoping to find Slughorn there. Luck, for what might have been the very first time, was on her side.

"Professor! I was hoping I'd find you here."

"Miss Evans," he said, startled. "Good morning."

"Good morning, sir. I was wondering if there was anything you needed." She didn't like house stereotypes but in Slughorn's case, who was the _Head_ of Slytherin, she felt confident that there was a hidden hook. He wanted something in return and Lily doubted it would be something as unoriginal as a cut in the profits. She had more respect for the Potion's master than that.

"Needed, Miss Evans?"

"Yes, you know, if there is anything I can do to help. As a thank you for putting my potion through to the Department."

"Think nothing of it, my dear. Think nothing of it."

Lily was surprised at this. Either he really wasn't looking for any sort of tat for his tit, or he would save it for a later needed favour. Perhaps the next time he needed to leave town while a potion was mid-brew. _So he stockpiles favours, then,_ Lily thought. She had wanted to return favour to be on her ground, at her invitation. Giving up for the moment, she sat down at her desk and removed her things.

"I don't suppose there is any chance we will get to brew anything today?" she asked, hopelessly. She really held no expectations. They couldn't brew in class for the same reason the value of Lily's potion was bound to be low, because there simply weren't enough ingredients available.

Slughorn patted her hand sympathetically and she gave him a genuine smile. "I'm afraid not, my dear."

Lily sighed. "No, I knew we wouldn't. Hope springs eternal, and all that. Not that I mind lectures, they are very informative but it doesn't replace standing over a cauldron..."

"Indeed, Miss Evans, indeed. All my research has been put on hold and I'm brewing medicinal draughts."

"At least it's something. Last night I went into the kitchens to prepare a soup. It just wasn't the same. It smelled nicer, granted."

Slughorn laughed. "My poor girl. I do feel for your struggle."

"Yes, I imagine you do. You'd be the only one though."

He opened his mouth to speak but when the class started entering the dungeon he converted it into an exhalation of air that made his cheeks flap and issue a noise not unlike a horse.

In this class, Rupert did not sit by her side at the front. Potions was his least favourite subject, a common Gryffindor fault in Lily's option, and gave her a smug little smirk, holding out his completed potion's essay as he walked by her desk to sit next to Alice.

When the class ended Professor Slughorn reminded her that they were still to meet that evening to discuss the finer points of her potion. She nodded and was out the door, hurrying her steps to catch up with Rupert, Alice, and the other few Gryffindors in N.E.W.T potions.

Lily was more surprised than anyone to see James striding down the hallway in haste. He had third years in five minutes, what was he doing all the way down--

"A word," he said seriously. This was a clear command. Not waiting for any response he took Lily by the elbow and spun her back around in the direction from which she'd just come, steering her around the corner and into an unused dungeon. The one in which she had found the Vanishing cabinet, as a matter of fact.

The door slammed shut and privacy wards instantly erected.

"I don't think that was entirely appropriate," she said uncertainly.

"Well then _this_ is going to be downright scandalous," he promised with a wicked smile. He had only shoved her against a stone wall of the castle once before, but they had been under the invisibility cloak in a public corridor. He did at that moment in the dungeons what she had wished he had done back in November. Confused but content, she went along, wrapping her arms around his neck. _She_ wasn't missing class to be there, and if he got in trouble for being late for his lesson, too bad for him.

It had started out strong and fierce but to her disappointment, he began to slow down and soften it up before he broke away entirely. She knew he wouldn't miss his own lecture.

They pulled apart, James resting his forehead against hers and she suddenly knew something was wrong.

"You really did want a word, didn't you," Lily said sadly.

"Yes, I just didn't want to pass up the opportunity. Seeing as it be the last one for a short while."

"What?" she asked, stricken. "James, explain, now."

"Officially I'm not allowed to, so officially you don't know, but a group of us are going to Austria. There is a group there but we don't know if they are actually dark lord supporters or if they are just the remnants of the Grindlewald Youths... no longer young, obviously. Only aurors in the Order are going."

"When?"

"Now."

"As in right this moment?" Her voice trembled only slightly, but James heard and brought his lips to her forehead.

"Now listen carefully, heart. There are several things I need you to do. Firstly, next time you see Ebony or Dragon, send this off. I couldn't find either one this morning and I don't want this going with a strange bird." He withdrew an envelope from his pocket and pressed it into her hand. She nodded and slid it into an inner pocket of her robes. "Secondly, you are to talk to Dumbledore before dinner, _before_ your meeting with Slughorn. Don't ask me, I don't know, he just told me at breakfast to tell you. Thirdly, all the things in your room that I'm working on, all my papers and files need to be taken back to my office and locked away while I'm gone. You know the passwords?"

Lily paused and looked down, ashamed. "Yes."

He only chuckled. "That's my girl. Lastly, and I know I have no right asking this of you, but Sirius is subbing for me for the next few days while I'm gone, he's in there with the third years right now as a matter of fact, and I don't even have tomorrow's lessons completely planned. Could you--"

"Yes, of course."

He brushed his lips against hers so briefly, it barely constituted as a kiss.

"I don't know if you can count on him to help you, he has another one of those meetings tonight. Stay in my rooms, I want you there when he gets back. _Make_ him report the moment he returns. If he has too much time on his own the more he edits and slithers out of saying everything he should. Drag everything you can out of him, I know you can do it." He gripped her arms tighter in his hands to stress the point, keeping her securely in his grasp the way he wanted to keep Sirius from slithering out.

"Are you taking the cloak?" she asked.

His eyes darted away for a moment, considering. He pushed his over-robes aside for a moment, debating whether to leave the cloak with her or not. In the end he growled out an oath. "I'll have to take it with me. You, after your meeting with Slughorn tonight go directly to my room, Sirius should still be there at that time. Even if he isn't, stay there. No corridor crawling until I'm back with the cloak."

"Yes alright. Anything else?"

He bit his bottom lip and his brows furrowed as he searched him mind for remaining business. "Curse it, I know the moment I leave I'll think of something else."

"You have the mirror. Tell Sirius and he'll let me know."

"Very well." He looked at his watch and sighed. "I _really _have to go now. I'll see you soon."

Scooping the back of her neck his hand he pulled her in for one parting kiss before the wards were lifted and he swept out the door. Lily stayed back, fighting the urge to do something she oughtn't. But if she didn't do it now it would be too late and then she'd regret it.

Flying out the door she looked down the corridor before calling out, "Be careful!" as he jogged away. It was only _slightly _better than shouting, "I love you" and it was much more practical. Although she felt as if the expression lacked the depth she wanted.

He turned around, but continued to jogging backwards and said, "You too," before turning forward again and disappearing around the corner. She leaned against the wall for a moment, holding the Dragon's eye in her hand over her pounding heart. _Stupid girl,_ the thought. This was hardly the first time he'd gone off on order or auror work. He'd always come back. No need to worry. Actually she didn't know if the situation merited worrying or not. He hadn't told her how dangerous it would be, what he would do if they learned they were supporting Voldemort, or how they intended on going about it. What was more she didn't even have the right to know; it had been unprofessional of him to tell her as much as he had. And she was grateful for every word.

She closed her eyes for a moment and exhaled to steady herself. If she was going to be working through the night and not allowed to leave his room until she'd pummelled Sirius for information, there would be no time to visit Remus... unless she went now.

.

As she was instructed, she went to see Dumbledore's before going to the Great Hall for dinner.

"Sugar Quill."

The stone gargoyle allowed her to the circular staircase which led her to the Headmaster's office.

"Ah, good evening, Miss Evans. Sherbet lemon?" He held out a dish of sweets but she shook her head.

"No, thank you."

"I hear from young Potter this morning that you wish you could be brewing, is this so?"

"Yes sir, but--"

He held a hand and she fell silent. "A moment, please, to let me finish." She nodded for him to continue. "Then I think it beneficial for all if you assist Professor Slughorn for the rest of the year."

"For all, sir?"

"While stores are low now, they will in time replenish. When that time comes I would like to have someone at hand within the Order to act as potion's master, or mistress, as it were."

"Meaning... _me?_" she asked incredulously.

"Is that problematic for you, Miss Evans?"

"No sir, just surprising." Which was an understatement. She was simply flabbergasted the Headmaster would trust her, a student, with a position like this. There had to be some kind of catch.

"Slughorn is very capable. These next few months you will brew mostly healing draughts. Pay attention, Miss Evans. Pay very close attention."

"Of course sir. I spoke to Professor Slughorn this morning and he didn't mention anything about having an assistant. Is he alright with this?"

"He will when I tell him over dinner this evening."

Lily tried not to smirk. "I see."

"And speaking of dinner, shall we?" he asked, rising from his seat. Lily stood up too and they walked down to the Great Hall together. She took her seat with the Quidditch team as Dumbledore continued up to the Head Table. She made a quick scan and saw Sirius, sitting in James' usual seat, in reluctant conversation with Slughorn. Lily, and probably only Lily, could detect Sirius' relief when the Headmaster took over the conversation and Sirius was spared the trouble of talking anymore.

His attention turned back to his plate as he fiddled with various items on his plate, poking at them or picking them up with his fork before putting it back down again. His fork froze for a moment, and she knew Sirius had been eavesdropping and had just heard something particularly interesting. He glanced up from his plate and his eyes settled right on hers, studying her curiously for a moment before returning to the meal he wasn't eating.

It was then Lily realised she had been staring for several minutes so she turned her attention on the Quidditch team's conversation. She waited for a lull before telling Rupert they needed to have another meeting with the prefects to go over in detail the new rules that they would have to uphold.

"When?"

"Tomorrow before dinner. I hate to have to ask you, but do you think you could drop by the common rooms this evening and let them know? I would but--"

"S'alright, Lil. I'm Head Boy, I should be doing stuff, shouldn't I? Anything else?"

"Perhaps make several copies of the list to be able to give to each prefect tomorrow?"

"No problem." He wiped his mouth with his napkin before tossing it onto the table and getting up. "Later mates."

.

Lily went back down to the dungeons yet again, realising that according to Dumbledore's plan, she'd be spending much more of her time down there.

"Ah, good evening, Miss Evans."

"Evening, Professor."

"Let's get right down to it. As I mentioned before they would like to buy the rights from you."

"At what price?"

He cleared his throat, as if such a direct question was inappropriate but he didn't have the heart to tell her that.

"650 gold. Which is an incredible offer considering the current market."

"And what if I wanted to wait until the market picked up again. This is an excellent time for them to buy and a terrible time for me to sell."

A continued half hour of conversation failed to produce any sort of agreement. In the end, he suggested that they use the fire in his office to floo his contact in the department. She followed him out of the dungeons up to the third floor. Lily wasn't at all surprised by the decadence of his office. Overstuffed armchairs, including a large leather recliner with a feather cushion on the seat that was situated at the man's desk. Behind his desk were shelves of sweets, treats, and various merry looking beverages. Across from the desk was an enormous fireplace.

He dipped an ostrich plumed quill into an inkwell and scribbled something.

She stopped prying and stood back a ways as Slughorn took a pinch of floo powder from a rather elegant looking vase and threw it into the roaring fire.

"Master Bunsen's office, Brewing Department, Ministry."

He didn't, as she suspected, jump into the flames. Instead he simply tossed the piece of parchment into the fire. It disappeared instantly and the flames changed back to their original colour.

Slughorn began tapping his foot and checking the time on the rather grandiose golden clock that sat atop the marble fireplace. She couldn't stop staring at how it glittered.

"A gift from one of my former students," he explained. "Now on the Wizengamot."

"Ah."

A moment later the fire flashed green again and a rather unhappy looking head appeared in the flames.

"You're always doing that Horace. Why don't you ever stick _your_ head in every once in a while?"

"Bad back, my boy."

"Yes, yes, so you keep saying. Rather convenient ailment. Oh well, what did you need?"

"You know that wakefulness potion that was submitted the other month?"

"Ah yes. Evans, wasn't it? Is the contract signed?"

"Actually no, we couldn't come to an agreement." Bunsen let out a huff of exasperation, blowing bits of ash onto the immaculate Persian rug. "Why I flooed you. You are welcome to come through and speak to the creator. Perhaps the two of you can work something out."

"He's there? Alright then."

His head withdrew before either of them could correct him and a moment later he came swirling out of the hearth. He shook his head, dizzied for a moment, and dusted off himself. He nodded to Slughorn before his eyes found her.

"Oh." His eyebrows lifted slightly in momentary surprise. Clearly she wasn't what he had been expecting. He recovered himself quickly and offered his hand, which she shook. "Barnaby Bunsen."

"Lily Evans."

"Well Miss Evans, I'm afraid that at the present time we can't offer you anymore."

"I'm not asking for more gold. Not now anyway. You can keep the 650 galleons. The patent is in my name, all I ask is a percentage of the profits."

"There won't be much."

"Not presently. Which of course you well know. In future when the market picks up again however..."

Barnaby's brows drew together. This would mean losing more than 650 gold in the long run and they both knew it.

"Mr. Bunsen, I can see you are less than keen on the idea. All I ask is a small percentage of this and all future potions I submit."

"Future potions?" he asked, intrigued.

"Well," she bit her lip in what she hoped would make her seem like an uncertain schoolgirl, before darting a glance to Slughorn then back to the floor again. "The truth is sir, that I'm a muggleborn and that I don't have many hopes of finding employment after graduation. The only thing I can do is work for myself by brewing. If I sell all at once that will keep me stable for a while but I'd much rather have the security of regular, smaller sums." That would be entirely true if Moody hadn't already promised her a spot in the auror trainee programme.

"But you do plan on continue brewing?" he asked.

"Yes sir." She would be brewing for the Order anyway. "Or, I intend to once I have enough supplies again."

"Would you be wiling to sign a contract so that all your future potions must be sold through us?"

"Erm..." She was definitely in over her head. She didn't know enough about the business world. If she signed a contract, then no matter who made the best offer she'd have to go with the Department at whatever fixed percentage they gave her. However, it did offer security and a consistent revenue, however small, throughout her life so long as the potion was on the market. "Actually, I'd like consult someone before agreeing to anything. Could you wait for 10 minutes?"

She didn't care how unprofessional she was behaving, she didn't want to screw up her chances. Besides, it would be good practice for when she wanted to patent any of her charms. _If_ she ever did.

She dashed the stairs to the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom, hoping that Sirius would be there. She hissed a relatively tame swearword when she found the office and bedroom empty and darted down all the way to her own rooms.

"Sirius," she said panting with relief on seeing him casually sprawled out across her couch.

Seeing her breathless he sat up. "Troubles?" he asked. She shook her head.

"I just... need your help with something."

His eyebrows rose mockingly. "Oh?"

"Yes, I need a second opinion. Could you come with me?"

"Where?" he asked languorously.

"Slughorn's office. This man, Bunsen from the Brewing Department, is talking about contracts and I don't know what to do. At first I thought I was being clever by refusing their first offer but now somehow it's grown more complicated and I'm wishing I just took the gold and ran, but I don't know if--"

"Calm down, Cariad," Sirius said, gracefully rising from the couch. He rumpled her hair and pushed the portrait open. "Lead the way."

Both Potion men seemed surprised at the appearance of Sirius Black. Sirius seemed amused and stood there patiently until one of the others remembered their manners. Lily, however, grew tired of waiting, though it had only been a few moments, and said confidently, "Sirius, this is Barnaby Bunsen, from the Brewing Department. Master Bunsen, Sirius Black." As the two shook hands Lily continued. "And I believe you are already acquainted with Professor Slughorn."

"A pleasure," Sirius said.

They sat down on the overstuffed chairs except for Sirius, who chose to stand by the fireplace as everything was briefly explained and details of the contract enumerated. Sirius brought up points and asked questions Lily hadn't even considered. In fact, she sat there silently as he knocked down the contract from ten years to five. And she was surprised and impressed as he argued that since she wouldn't be getting a salary from the Ministry, wouldn't be an official employee, wouldn't be receiving the benefits of Ministry workers, she shouldn't be under the restrictions of one either. That they couldn't involve themselves in her work, couldn't barge in or 'inspect' her research or involve themselves in anyway in the creation process, only in marketing of the final product.

Near the end of the discussion he leaned over Lily's chair and whispered in her ear, "I've done the best I can do. You might still make more on your own..."

She moved to whisper in his ear in turn. "I'm not an entrepreneur, Sirius. I want as few risks as possible."

That caused Sirius to chuckle and he said for all to hear, "I never thought I hear those words coming from you. How dull you are, Cariad. Well, if that's your choice."

With terms finally agreed upon, Barnaby Bunsen left to draw up the newly created contract and promised to send it along the following day, pending the approval of his supervisor.

"Well, that's settled then," said Sirius offering his hand to Lily. "Shall we?"

"Actually I wanted a word, Miss Evans, before you go."

With a knowing sneer, Sirius once again lowered his head and whispered to Lily, "Dumbledore's pawns, the pair of you."

She didn't have time to ask him to clarify. He withdrew from the office with only a minute nod of the head in Slughorn's direction.

As she expected, he brought up the topic of being an assistant. "Not an apprentice, mind," he said defensively. Lily knew it would be detrimental to his career to officially take on a muggleborn for an apprentice. Potion Masters were so few that apprenticeships were rare. Those that did come up were always taken by well established and well connected applicants.

"I understand, sir," she reassured him.

"And keep in mind this isn't required. You don't have to do it." _Oh, but I do._

"I would like to though. The chance to learn and practice as much as I can under a Master is a rare opportunity one who is considering a career in potions would not lightly pass up."

Despite her reassurances he still seemed to try and dissuade her from it. "But it would be rather time consuming. And you already have so much on your plate. What with this being your N.E.W.T. year, and being Head Girl, and..." He paused for a moment before adding carefully, "Your work with the Ministry. With Auror Moody..."

They say that discretion is the better part of valour. Lily was inclined to think that discretion is the better part of most things. She decided on a misdirecting truth.

"Oh. I only _wish_ I were working for Moody. In the past I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. And yesterday was just..."

"Just what?"

"About Weyland Euphrates," she said finally.

"Oh." It seemed as if this hadn't been what he had been suspecting, but once he heard it made perfect sense. "Yes, you two were erm..."

"Friends, yes."

"It must have come as quite a shock."

She didn't know if Slughorn meant Weyland's death, or his being a vampire so she avoided it entirely. "Auror Moody just wanted to ask me some questions, that's all."

Slughorn looked heartened by this. "Well then!" he said, suddenly enthusiastic. "If your sure then. Only..."

"Only what?"

"Dumbledore suggested this, mind. He said it might be best for all if your un-official position went... unnoticed."

Lily nodded, almost touched at how delicately he was trying to phrase it.

"I understand, Professor. A muggleborn Gryffindor doesn't work well into Slytherin politics. I wouldn't want your house to lose respect for you."

Again, he seemed a bit taken aback by her honesty, but gave her a soft smile. He made no attempt to deny what she had said, didn't try to convince her that wasn't the reason. He simply said, "I'm sorry, my dear."

"It's alright, Professor. I'm quite used to it by now."

.

As she was descending the stairs to stop by her rooms to gather her things for the evening she passed two students on their way up. It was after curfew and she was about to unleash a lecture when she saw who it was.

Antonius Arbuthnot, with little Winifred Winchcombe in tow. She had one hand clamped on his robes and another clutched around her middle as if she were in pain. He walked with purposeful steps, but short enough so that the younger girl could keep up. When he saw Lily watching him he explained.

"She wasn't feeling well and asked me to take her to the Hospital Wing. Unfortunately they don't have the stomach settling solution in stock. I'm taking her directly back to the tower now."

"Carry on." He nodded and they both continued up the stairs. Such a difference in him. He carried himself with pride, rather than arrogance, and held his wand with circumspection, rather than recklessness.

Sirius wasn't in her room so she assumed he must be in James'. She took the secret passage up to the D.A.D.A floor and slipped into the classroom without notice. He was reclining in James' chair, his feet propped up on the desk, hands clasped casually behind his head.

"So, you agreed to be a cauldron scrubber, did you?"

"Yes."

"Pawns, the pair of you," he said again.

"What? I can learn a lot from him. Plus it will give me the chance to brew while no one else in the school can."

"Yes, something the headmaster knew you wouldn't be able to turn down."

"Well it's an opportunity to train to be the Order's Potion's Mistress."

Sirius' eyes darkened. "So _that's_ what this is all about."

"You... don't seem impressed."

Sirius said nothing.

"I was excited, proud that Dumbledore..." she trailed off, not finishing her statement. "Sirius what is it? Did I do something wrong?"

His jaw only clenched in response.

x

What was he supposed to tell her? That Dumbledore had most likely just opened this wonderful window of opportunity to distract her from the fact that he was covertly easing another shut? That he was gently and enticingly manoeuvring her in the direction he wanted? He wouldn't tell her now. Couldn't, in fact, until he was certain that's what Dumbledore was doing. One never knows with the old man, though. Besides, who was to say that she might not prefer this path? No doubt it was the best plan for everyone. Still, it was frustrating to watch her be manipulated by the Headmaster. If he had told her outright what he intended for her, she might not be bitter later on for not having a say in the matter. However if he did tell her now, she might not do it, which the Order couldn't risk.

So there sat Sirius. What position should he take up? Ought he encourage her in this new field? Or should he slyly hint at the truth?

"Until then it looks as if you have been handed an excellent reason to be locked away in the castle. Your job for the Order now is to learn as much about brewing as possible. No need to call you out for anything. You'll be sealed away in the castle. Like me, apparently." He hadn't meant to say that last bit. But now that he had he felt the need to complain. "Some Order member I am. Play substitute for the good Professor while the real ones go in and do the important things. Stuck here while the A team goes in," Sirius said bitterly. Lily was about to protest when he added, "but of course you understand. They keep you out of most things simply because you're a student. As if you didn't have more wits about you then most all the others. Looks like our jobs in the Order are to take care of James. I fill in when he's out breaking himself in the field, and then you put him back together again when he comes back. Some entourage we are."

"You really _are_ too good to just play substitute. If this weren't an Order aurors only mission, you'd be in on it. I wouldn't be, like you said, but you probably would be. Good thing you aren't otherwise you'd miss that meeting tonight. And _that_ is something only _you_ can do."

"Yes, talking and drinking with old pureblood farts. Absolutely thrilling."

.

Hours later when Sirius was about to leave, Lily was still toiling away with her books, parchment and quill.

"How do I look," Sirius asked.

Lily lifted her head from her work. "Like a smug and aristocratic bastard."

He cleared his throat unhappily.

"Excuse me," she amended. "A handsome, smug and aristocratic bastard."

"Thank you, Cariad."

And so, handsome, smug, aristocratic Sirius Black joined his fellow purebloods to discuss how better they were than the rest of the world. It came too easily to him, playing his role. The insults, the pureblood _hauteur_, the disregard for any interest beyond his own, were so believable that he felt a prick of fear first in his heart, then work its way down his spine. Yet he didn't stop. Couldn't stop. This was for the Order. He had to be one of them. Even when he spoke to pureblood supremacists who to the public posed as 'muggle rights advocates' but consistently failed to block anti muggle legislation. He kept up the act even when spoke to Henry Bright...

Yes, he would say, he was rodgering a mudblood, what else were they good for?

"And how is your old friend Lupin?"

"_Former_ friend would be more accurate. We don't speak. Haven't since I learned what he was."

"We, the Society learned just recently. We took care of him."

"Did you? About time. So disappointing... How was I to know my two best mates would turn out to be and auror and a werewolf." He shook his head and took a sip of his drink.

"I wonder why you were ever sorted into Gryffindor."

"For the most ridiculous of reasons I assure you. The day before I was due on the Express for my first year I had a row with my parents. I can't even recall what it was now. I told the hat to sort me into Gryffindor out of sheer spite. I had wanted to make them angry, get back at them for the monstrous wrong I felt they had done me. I succeeded, to say the least."

This story he had never shared with his best friends, because he was ashamed at its truth. Bitter young Sirius Black, spiteful and spoiled, chose the enemy house for the sake of the pure Slytherin reason of revenge.

It was only in Gryffindor, with his first real friends, that he found what he had been missing the first 11 years of his life. _A home_. What started out as a mere dramatic temper tantrum, something that Sirius Black did remarkably well, turned into something he hadn't expected. In fact, his plan had been so reckless, so poorly conceived, that he didn't stop to think how it would affect the rest of is life.

It was terrifying to think of how things could have been...

"How did you find out he was a lycanthrope anyway?" he asked. This was something he had been wondering ever since he overheard Lily and Remus in the Hogshead.

"My grandfather hired him to work in his warehouse."

"And the old man figured it out?"

"No, actually, the wolf told him himself."

"Fool," he spat. _Fool, fool, fool! _"He's dead then?"

"I couldn't say for certain. He was gone by the time we got there. We can only hope the mongrel crawled away only far enough to die somewhere. I'd hate for him to have the chance to hurt anyone. We should have waited there and killed the half-breed ourselves."

"Indeed," he said, and swallowed the contents of his glass in a gulp. Drops of liquor clung to his upper lip. His eyes glinted malevolently as he wiped his mouth with the sweep of a thumb, sucking off the last remnants of his drink.

x

The wards were set a hundred metres from the entrance. No where within the surrounding streets and alleyways could one apparate. There he waited.

An hour later, as the faint pink hues began to light the sky, Bright emerged. Sirius had left the meeting before him just for this opportunity. On silent feet Sirius followed. 20 metres from the ward's end, he closed the distance, disarming and binding the man's arms behind him with two flicks of his wand and forcefully steered him in a direction of his own choosing.

"You don't breathe a word until I tell you," he said, in the exact same tone of voice he used when seducing women. The same feeling came over him as well; the satisfaction of overpowering someone, knowing that they would do exactly what he wanted them to do.

Jabbing his wand tip into the man's neck he shoved him against a wall, raised his knee to press into the man's groin and said, "Speak."

"Who are you! What are you doing?" he demanded, voice tremulous with delicious fear.

With silken honesty he said, "I'm trying to decide..."

"Unhand me!"

"Whether or not to kill you..." he finished conversationally, as if he hadn't been interrupted.

Sirius felt the man he had pinned shudder and then go very still. He was enjoying this too much, he knew it. Merlin forgive him but it was the best thing he felt in ages. This all consuming high was addictive. He understood now why Death Eaters enjoyed their work so much. How fun it was. Sirius imagined what a rush it would be to do it. '_It would be so easy to kill him_.'

He didn't realise he had said it aloud until he felt a warm trickle against his knee. The dark mania seized him again as he felt a surge of triumphant pride that he had made a grown man wet himself out of fear. So easy. It would be so easy. And this man deserved it. No one messed with Sirius Black's friends and got away with it, and this man had tried to _kill _Remus.

"Oh Merlin," the man whimpered.

"_Beg_," Sirius growled into his ear.

"Don't kill me. Merlin, Don't kill me. I beg you. I beg you!"

"_More_."

"Spare me for the love of Merlin!" he shouted. "No! I beg you! I'll do anything, don't kill me! I'll give you anything you want!"

A spell shot out of Sirius' wand and the man crumpled to the ground. "Tsk tsk. You didn't say please."

As Sirius walked away he crinkled his nose. He couldn't go around smelling of urine; that would be disgraceful. He had children to teach after all...


	63. To Sleep, Perchance, to Dream

_**Sorry everyone. This**__** chapter was a difficult one. I wrote and re-wrote it almost a dozen times and I'm **_**still**_** not happy with the final draft... I thought I might have a mob of angry readers at my door any minute if I didn't post **_**something **_**though, so you have chapter 63 part I of II or perhaps even III. **_

"_The time has come," the Walrus said, "to talk of many things, of shoes and ships and sealing wax, and cabbages and kings, and why the sun is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings..."_

_~The Walrus and the Carpenter from __Alice in Wonderland __by Lewis Carol_

**Ch****apter 63: To Sleep, Perchance, to Dream**

Lily awoke suddenly, the sharp crimp in her neck lanced down the rest of her spine when she sat up. She'd fallen asleep at his desk. And she'd had that dream again...

"No!" she told herself sternly. She couldn't think about those things, couldn't fall asleep. She'd finished the lesson plans but she still had her own homework to do. She hadn't even opened the package that contained Weyland's things. She rubbed her neck, trying but with no success to work out the kinks. Giving up with a groan she pulled out her History of Magic text to complete the half finished essay she'd started days before. Luckily McGonagall didn't seem to be assigning her much work recently, otherwise she'd have much more to worry about. Lily had a sneaking suspicion that her Head of House was trying to make things easier on her. Flitwick as well seemed to be taking the discussions they had at the end of most lessons as sufficient theory assessment, and had stopped requiring essays of her. At this level of Charms and Transfiguration, it was almost entirely theory anyway, for there were very few witches and wizards that could perform that level of magic.

She looked to the clock on his desk. She hadn't been asleep too long, thankfully. She still had time to finish the essay. It was all she had left to do for the week's homework. She tapped her foot frantically under the desk as she wrote, pretending that she wasn't worried for James, Sirius, and Remus. James, she'd have no idea how he was unless he had reported to Sirius. But Sirius wasn't back. Remus she could visit and see for herself, but not until after Sirius' return. _Where was he?_ She hadn't been too nervous when he had left; he had seemed so confident and completely bored at the thought of going, as if there had been no danger at all. But he had been gone for so long, surely it would be over by now? What if something had gone wrong?

_No, _she thought. 'He could have just gone back to his own place to rest, perhaps he only plans to come to Hogwarts in time for his first class.' She could have sworn she told him she'd wait up for him; surely he wouldn't let her sit up all night? Lily snorted at her own stupidity. 'Of course he would, and you're a fool for thinking otherwise.' It was nearly five in the morning; he'd probably gone home to bed hours ago. Lily sighed and put her head back down on the desk, her neck shrieking in pained protest.

The large door to the classroom groaned as it was opened and shut again. Lily sat up, staring at the office door, waiting to hear the click of the office unlocking, the turning of the handle, the whine of the hinges. What sounded like footsteps approached and stopped in front of the office. Lily rose from the chair and moved to open the door for him but froze in fear before she reached it.

.

_Knock_

_._

There was a moment of silence where her heart pounded in her chest.

.

_Knock_

.

The slow thud seemed to echo in her head as ominously as it did in the classroom outside.

.

_Knock_

_._

Sirius wouldn't knock. Surely Dumbledore knew James was gone and wouldn't come calling. Who else could it possibly be at this hour? She'd been in James' rooms often enough to know that no one made appointments this early with him. She gripped her wand tightly, her breaths coming in short, shallow gasps. She stood there, waiting. Waiting for whoever it was to go away. Waiting for them to make their move. Waiting for something, anything, to happen.

Nothing did. The sound stopped. No more knocking, but no shuffling of footsteps either, no opening and closing of the classroom door behind them. Whoever it was still stood by the door, waiting, just like her.

Moments passed.

She had just decided to sneak into the bedroom, closing the password protected door behind her when she heard a loud _BANG _as something massive collided with the office door. Things on the bookshelves were shoved out of their places and fell to the floor. Lily gasped, grasping the desk for support.

She heard the sound of the classroom door crash open and a voice bellowing a single word, and all her fears evaporated.

"PEEVES!" Sirius roared.

Lily heard the poltergeist cackling as he no doubt zoomed about the classroom out of Sirius' reach. "We hee hee! Just tried to wake the sleeping beauty but the red head's dead! The red head's dead! Eeeeeee!"

Quick footfalls were followed by the frantic unlocking of the door. There was an odd clambering before the door burst open to reveal Sirius jumping off the large desk that usually sat front and centre of the classroom, now turned over on its side blocking the office door. He landed and exhaled loudly, whether out of exertion or relief she didn't know.

"I'm not dead," she informed him stupidly. He looked her up and down.

"So I see." Lily was pleased to observe that his breathing was just a bit too fast, belying the calm his face would have her believe. "Alright there?" he asked casually.

"Fine, just a minor heart attack," she said, trying to control her own frenetic breaths.

Sirius chuckled and took a step forward and wrapped her up in a hug. Honestly, the man was so strange when it came to displays of affection. Sometimes so kind, other times so cold. Lily was grateful he was in a warm mood. She desperately needed it. Actually, the need probably determined his behaviour. "There there little one," he said patronisingly, but he stroked the back of her head comfortingly all the same. "Merlin, Cariad, you're shaking."

She snaked her arms under his cloak and around his torso, holding tightly. "Peeves and that damned desk. That eerie knocking and those haunting footsteps. And I was already so frightened for you because you'd been gone so long. I had that wretched nightmare again." Her breath hitched and she had to pause before she could finish the list. "... and it's freezing in here."

"I think our poltergeist is improving his terror techniques," Sirius said in a tone that was half disapproving, half amused. "Now what about this nightmare of yours?"

"Well..." This was an awkward one. How do you tell one of your best friends that you killed him?

"Hello?" came the squeak of a voice from the classroom. Sirius let go of her immediately, shoving her away towards the direction of the bedroom. Lily recognised the voice as Flitwick's and fled as fast as her feet would fly. Flitwick liked her, but he wasn't in the Order, and wouldn't likely overlook being in a Professor's quarters outside office hours. There was no innocent way to explain. Either she revealed her relationship with James and uncover Order business, or she had to appear to be Sirius' lover. It was a role she was accustomed to playing but there was a difference between letting students think what they wanted and having the teacher of your favourite subject find you in the man's arms at an unreasonable hour in another professor's office.

"Morning Filius."

"Black. I didn't know if you were here or not. The Fat Friar fetched me, said he heard an awful crash. I knew Professor Potter was gone so I came to investigate."

"Thank you, Professor. Just Peeves up to his usual mischief."

The Charms professor clucked his tongue. There was a pause. "My word, already dressed for the day?"

"I'm an early riser," he stated laconically. "Thank you for your concern, but you'd probably rather be back in bed."

"I can sort out that desk for you."

"That's quite alright, I'll do that myself. Good morning, Professor."

"Oh, yes, well. Good morning, Black."

When Lily was certain the tiny professor had made his exit, she stopped listening in at the crack of the door and opened it all the way, entering the office again. "One thing right after another," she complained.

"Isn't it always..." he drawled apathetically, flicking his wand to stand the desk upright and send it back to its former position.

"So how did it go this evening?" she asked. She had meant to ask the moment he came back but that chance had been denied her.

"You didn't answer my question about the nightmare."

She shook her head forcefully. "I'd rather not," Lily said honestly. "It wasn't pleasant."

Sirius chortled darkly. "Hence the designation, _nightmare_."

"It was just a bad dream. No point in reliving it."

x

_I wouldn't be too sure about that_, Sirius thought to himself. His mind darted to his own flat in London, and Dung's dream pipe, still lying unused on the bedside table. The nightmare, black and throbbing, swam in a fishbowl he had conjured for it. Like an eel, it slithered through the water looking almost harmless, until when one least expected it, it lashed violently, sloshing the water out of the bowl. Sirius had spent several sleepless nights doing nothing but watch the evil apparition. It had come to be a sort of pet to him, and only stubborn denial stopped him from naming it. If he had allowed himself he'd probably have called it Morpheus, because his sense of humour was twisted that way. For hours he had watch it shimmy hypnotically, like any sea creature, beautiful in a way. But he rarely forgot what it really was, what evils truly lurked within. '_Just a bad dream' indeed._

Sirius had removed that nightmare from his head a minute after he woke. A coward's move, that. At this distance, he could barely remember it, which had been his reason for removing it in the first place. He hadn't wanted _that_ in his head. But he knew that's where it belonged. Some perverse part of him _needed_ to see it again, the same way that people watch on in horrified fascination in face of some monstrous disaster. Fear and shame had initially urged him to get rid of the thing, but now dark curiosity and an odd sense of duty compelled him to take it back.

Fear and shame were still stronger, for he had yet to do it. He let it sit there on the bedside table, taunting him. Perhaps that's why Sirius couldn't sleep anymore. If he used the dream pipe to relive that _cauchemar _he would have no choice but to sleep, but it wouldn't be the restful sleep he needed. Would he wake up in a sweat? Would blind panic cause him to once again immediately remove the bête-noire of his own mind? Would he be doomed to repeat this agonising process?

What was more, he couldn't forgive himself for making such a to-do about it, _it was just a bad dream after all..._

"I wouldn't be too sure about that," he told her in what he hoped was an easy yet comforting drawl. He wanted none of his own deep-set panic to sneak into his voice. Perhaps exorcising her demons would ease his own. "Tell us all about it."

Lily twisted awkwardly, her brows wrinkling. She crossed the room and settled herself in the only comfortable seat in the office. _LILY'S CHAIR_ glittered above her head. Sirius himself sat on the edge of the desk, facing her. She began twisting her hands in her lap. "Have you ever... killed someone?" she asked innocently.

The spinning and whirring cogs in his brain came to a shuddering stop. For a moment there was nothing but echoing silence in the dark caverns of his mind. By default it seemed, his face so learned in the school of sangfroid, didn't betray him. He did nothing but continue to stare at her. She must have taken his silence for curiosity, assuming he was waiting for her to continue. She did so, and when she got to the part in her dream when it turned out she had killed him and the others, Sirius was seized with the insane urge to bound over to her laughing wildly, hug her tightly and spin her about the room.

He didn't, naturally.

One corner of his mouth did quirk up into a grin. "So?" he asked casually. Inwardly, he was elated. He felt relieved, not entirely, but oh so much better. If Lily, sweet little _Lily_, had had a dream about killing her friends then it made it seem less heinous, less of a reason to be shamed and cowed. Not that he ever admitted to being shamed and cowed.

"So..." She replied uncertainly. "Yes, alright I know it's just a dream and that I'm probably just afraid of losing one of you through some careless mistake of my own."

"Which is touching."

"It's unnerving though, being the one to see it. You weren't there."

_Oh, I've been there._

"It was just... unpleasant," she said, shuddering at the memory, which was a clear indication that 'unpleasant' didn't really catch the true grotesque spirit of the thing. True, if he were to describe his own dream, he would have gone for some similar understatement. "Sirius, should I feel guilty?"

"About the dream? Certainly not, you can't help that sort of thing." Oh the hypocrisy.

"No, I mean about Togglepike. Should I feel guilty?"

"Why are you asking me, of all people?" he asked with a joking condescension he hoped concealed the complete naked honesty of the question.

"Who else do you recommend?"

"Surely anyone would be a better choice."

"That's the thing. Anyone I _could _tell, featured in the dream. I couldn't admit I did them in!"

"And I?" he asked with an amused raised eyebrow.

"Are mad enough to confide in."

"I'm flattered."

"You never answered my question."

"Which was?"

"Ought I feel guilty?"

"Do you?"

"I... I don't know, to be honest. I suppose that's odd."

_Not at all..._

"Have _you_ ever killed anyone?" she asked again. Sirius had hoped the woman wouldn't remember that he had failed to answer that particular question. And yet... the longer he studied her face the more he felt comfortable with the idea. She wasn't looking to judge him. As she had just reminded him, she _had_ killed someone for the sake of James, after all. Perhaps they weren't all that different.

"I might have," he replied.

"Are you avoiding, or do you actually not know?" she asked uncritically.

There was a fraction of a second that Sirius considered the matter, then replied honestly. "They may have died," he said with a shrug. "I didn't linger long enough to find out."

Lily, to Sirius' surprise (and indescribable relief) simply nodded understandingly. She didn't even question the use of the plural _they_. Surely it was only a matter of time before she understood the truth.

"And do you feel guilty?"

"Are you joking?" He hoped she was, and sent her an impudent smile in hopes of convincing her that she _should_ be joking. He didn't want to think it was a sincere question. "You don't honestly think I care, do you?"

"Not about the individuals, no." So she _had_ noticed the plural. "But the deed itself. You killed someone. Ended their life. Doesn't that bother you?"

Sirius crossed his arms over his chest, successfully hiding his hands. He didn't trust them not to quiver or fiddle foolishly with something. It would only give him away. He knew she wasn't interrogating him personally. She _wanted_ to hear him say, 'yes, of course, but I did nothing wrong. It was justified and I know it was for the greater good' and so on and so forth... because that's what _she_ wanted to hear. She wanted him, someone who had been there and done that, to assure her that she wasn't a terrible person. And of course she wasn't. However, she was going about it all the wrong way. She was aligning herself with Sirius, thinking they were in the same boat. The girl, in uncharacteristic and incomparable stupidity, thought the world of him, considered him a good person.

_Did it bother him?_ For all the wrong reasons... Back at his flat and freshly attired, he had tended to the potion he and James were illicitly brewing and reflected on his decision. He should have killed him outright, he decided. He'd just left an enemy partly alive and angry, and therefore more dangerous than ever if he recovered. If Bright lived and found out Remus did too, he would no doubt go after him again. Not only Moony but any number of other innocent lives. Even Hagrid, if the horrid man could ever get close to him, would be a potential victim. What had possessed him to give the bastard even the slimmest of chances? He hadn't wanted to, that's certain, nor did the man deserve mercy (not that Sirius was capable of mercy.) So _deep_ was the desire to eliminate the man and yet he hadn't. For one, simple, reason. Because he had _wanted_ to.

'I've never been one for abstinence of any kind, why deny myself that pleasure now when offing the cunt would have been the best for everyone?' he had complained aloud to the shimmering oily black dream-snake Sirius refused to name.

_What's the difference between execution and murder?_

Sirius wasn't entirely sure if that had been his own voice asking that question in his mind. It sounded almost feminine. Well, his conscience had never spoken to him before; perhaps that's why he didn't recognise it when he heard it. So it _did_ bother Sirius. But not the act itself, as Lily had suggested. It bothered him that he hadn't been thinking of executing a man, a threat to those like Hagrid and others. It bothered him that revenge, even murderous revenge, was indeed sweet. Better than anything else he'd ever experienced. It bothered him how much he liked it.

But she wasn't thinking that. Her mind, he knew, was along the lines of battle. No doubt she imagined the times he may have killed someone took place during a fight, where he simply didn't have time to stick around and find out. She assumed he was noble. He noticed when he spoke, that he didn't correct her.

"People die all the time, Cariad. It's inevitable. So what if one wart on the arse of magical society died? We all will eventually. I'd say the wizarding world is better off for being rid of its filth, wouldn't you agree?" he said to her.

Now he'd done it. He had terrified her, he could tell. Lily's eyes widened in horror. She started shaking again and Sirius wondered if she were about to cry. "Sirius," she choked. He debated with himself whether to stay where he was or go to her in an attempt to calm her. He knew Lily wasn't afraid _of_ him, not afraid for her own life. She was only disappointed in him, horrified at his Black soul.

"Go on, say it," he told her.

She looked at him then lowered her head into her hands, pressing the heels of her palms into her eyes, perhaps to stop the tears. "What you said." Sirius was startled with the sudden wrath that mingled with woe in her voice. A harsh, grating whisper. "What if that's exactly what Voldemort is thinking? And his followers..." The burst of anger was short lived, and her voice went back to sorrowful. "That's what he probably tells everyone else to convince them to kill people like me. That I'm..." She _was_ crying now, Sirius noticed with regret. She was nobly trying to hide it but a traitorous hiccough gave it away. "_Filth_." She sniffled. "That the wizarding world is better off without."

"_Cariad_," he cooed uncharacteristically as he sat next to her on the armrest. "Don't say that."

"Everyone else does."

"That's not true."

"I'm not a simpleton, Sirius. I know that everywhere outside Hogwarts is falling to pieces, that this castle is the last hold of what used to be and were I not here I'd be outcast. I know that Dumbledore chose me as Head Girl to make a statement; his little muggleborn mascot. Giving someone importance who anywhere else in the world would have none. However good my marks, or accomplished I am as a witch, it doesn't make a spot of difference. I will always be despised."

"Not by everyone," he assured her. She leaned her head against his arm.

"What did they say at the meeting tonight?" she asked, somehow managing yet again to innocently steer the conversation to precisely the topic he was avoiding. "Tell me the truth, Sirius. I can tell you are avoiding it. Don't spare me. I want to know. Everything."

"No you don't."

"But I do."

"And if I refuse to tell you?"

"I know you won't," she said with certainty. She looked up at him with disturbing childlike trust.

Sirius sighed. "Knowledge won't make a difference. There is nothing you, or I, or anyone can do."

"I still want to know."

"Of course you do," he said grimly. "The Wizengamot is... compromised. Not surprisingly the Dark Lord has control, be they willing or unwilling, over most members. 60 percent, anyway. That's nothing new. Another quarter aren't Dark Lord supporters, simply..."

"Simply mudblood haters."

"Language, Cariad. Language. But they are sympathetic to the majority, yes."

"Which leaves 15 percent."

"At best," Sirius said with a nod. "And even _if_ that was enough to stop any anti-muggle and muggleborn legislation, the last few souls would sit there shivering in their patent dragon-hide boots, terrified to go against it."

"And what kind of legislation are they failing to prevent?"

"For one, all newly born witches and wizards of muggle parentage are automatically added to a registry."

"Retroactive?" she asked with understandable concern.

"The registry is already partially compiled, I'm sorry to say. They've agreed to apply to Dumbledore to hand over the parchment in the school's possession that identifies a witch or wizard as such the moment they're born. From there it would be easy enough to find who has magical parentage and who doesn't."

"Dumbledore would never."

"Oh they know that, I can assure you."

"And this partially compiled list..."

"Your name is on it," he said abruptly.

"They mentioned me specifically?" She sounded surprised and worried.

"It's no secret. You were on the record of anti-muggleborn attacks since your parents'—" He stopped. "Sorry."

"You didn't answer the question, Sirius," she pointed out astutely. He gritted his teeth. The witch didn't miss a thing.

"Yes," he admitted unwillingly. "You were. But _not_... that is, it wasn't entirely in reference to the registry."

"Then do explain the context." Her voice was calm, but it was a forced composure. It was as if she suspected the truth, and Sirius, through some perversion, told her exactly what happened. He was suffering from a terrible bout of honesty. He considered it a serious illness very much like food poisoning, where unpleasant things simply spewed forth from his mouth.

Except honesty was far more damning.

x

She listened to his report of that evening. It was a lot to take in. He'd even mentioned Henry Bright briefly. Either Sirius still didn't know that Bright was responsible for Remus' near death or he was being frighteningly subtle. Side stepping that topic, she went back to what had prompted his detailed spiel.

"Well," she said after a few moments of silent contemplation. "For your own benefit Sirius, that sort of talk about us has to stop."

"For _my_ benefit?"

"They weren't impressed with the idea that we were together. You don't want to be seen as a mudblood lover do you?"

"I'm not going to remind you again, Cariad," he said sternly.

"A muggleborn lover then," she said sarcastically. "You can't afford it. It would ruin you."

"I'd be lying if I said I hadn't already considered that." He shrugged. "But my reputation, I do believe, will persist no matter what I do," he drawled. Lily could tell that although he had said it languidly, the statement was imbued with deep-set despair. "Not that I've ever actively fought against it." He rose and walked to the other side of the room.

"Loving a muggleborn doesn't go against it?"

He narrowed his eyes at her as if to say 'shame on you, you ought to know better.' "I've said I'm fucking you. Love doesn't come into play, and I highly doubt _anyone_ there would have jumped to that conclusion either. It's not an unfamiliar concept."

"Oh," she said, finally understanding. When he put it that way it almost added to his dark image. Keeping mudblood whores to serve you, looking down on them and using them as unfeelingly as they did their house elves. He had as good as told her it was common practice in the upper circles.

"What else are we good for, eh?" she joked bitterly.

"My words almost exactly." Lily didn't know what face she'd made at that but Sirius smiled slightly. "My _words_, Cariad, not my sentiments," he assured.

Lily shook her head and even chuckled. "Sorry. But sometimes you can say such terrible things with such a straight face." She started laughing nervously again and wiped her cheeks, very annoyed at herself for succumbing to tears for what seemed like the dozenth time in the last month. She had been being sarcastic when she had said 'what else are we good for?' But not only had Sirius said it as well, it was a school of thought generally agreed upon. What else was she good for? Convenient that James couldn't admit to being with her. He could keep his little mudblood hidden away and still enjoy the 'benefits' muggleborns were good for without anyone judging him. Very convenient. Thinking of his mother's jewellery box in her room, Lily considered (not for the first time) that she wasn't good enough for anything _nobler_. She wasn't Potter material, she had always known that. And of course no one would think a _Black,_ who ranked even higher in the pureblood hierarchy, would take up with _her_, nothing but a poor, mudblood student. Two people couldn't be more different. She was a fool for even thinking it. Of _course_ people would assume he was simply using her. But that didn't depress her even half as much as that elegant jewellery box did...

Sirius removed another handkerchief from his breast pocket and handed it to her. She shook her head, remembering she already had one of his and drew it out. "Do try and stop. Tears are so trite," he pointed out matter-of-factly.

"I know, I know," she said. "Go on, what else happened at the meeting."

"Not if you are going to carry on like some blubbering bloody ingénue."

"It wasn't your tally that bothered me, and I wasn't blubbering."

"Nonsense, you've been blubbering ever since I arrived. Lack of sleep, no doubt. Go to bed, Cariad. Rest for an hour or two."

"No," she said firmly, shoving the cloth back into her pocket. "You are still trying to hide something and I _will_ know what it is. Finish reporting. Now," she ordered.

"Finish reporting?" he repeated, sounding amused at the phrase. "Prongs' orders, I presume?"

"I'd want to know anyway."

"So it _was_ him. Might have known."

"Why?"

"He didn't want me going to begin with. He was afraid I'd..."

"You'd what?" she asked when she realised he wasn't going to continue.

Sirius smirked. "I'll finish the sentence if you promise not to repeat it."

Lily studied him for a moment, considering the odd proposal. Whatever it was, James clearly already knew, because it was his concern from the start. Lily would only be promising not to tell anyone else. She could handle that.

"Alright," she said slowly, but the moment his grin spread even wider across his face she realised she'd been tricked, and she was about to find out how.

"He was afraid I'd go off and do--" He paused for dramatic effect. ".... _precisely_ what I went off and did." His eyes sparkled in evil triumph.

"Damn you!" she swore angrily. His booming laughter filled the small office.

"Now now, Cariad, don't forget your promise."

"Why did you do that to me?" she spat bitterly.

"Because it's amusing," he replied merrily. "Don't you want to know what it was he was afraid I'd do?"

"No," she lied harshly, knowing full well he didn't believe it.

"I'll tell you if you will make the same promise," he coaxed.

Lily stood and began shoving her things back into her bag. "There are your lessons plans for today and tomorrow," she said ruthlessly changing the subject. "Familiarise yourself with them." She slung her bag over her shoulder. "I have things to do. Good morning. I'll see you in class."

As she stomped out of the classroom she felt better. With the temptation removed, for it was indeed a most sore temptation, she could think more clearly. Had he really just been teasing her or had it been something else? It would be just like Sirius to dangle some juicy morsel before her, and watch her struggle with her conscience about agreeing to keep it from James. It was the sick sort of game that amused him, as he had freely admitted. Or had it been something else? Did he perhaps truly want to confide in her, and had only dressed it up as a game of taunting her to preserve his pride? He'd never openly admit to needing to talk to her. Perhaps there was something he didn't want scrutinised by his auror best friend.

_He was afraid I'd do exactly what I went off and did._

Clearly he had done something of which James wouldn't approve. Sirius was sly enough to not bring up the topic at all if he didn't want to talk about it. He must have had some reason for trying to lure her into the bargain. There were a handful of other ways Sirius could torment her for his amusement, yet he had chosen this particular one. What if he needed help?

She stopped in front of the secret passage, unable to go in.

x

"I promise."

Sirius looked up from the lesson plan for that morning to find Lily standing in the doorway to the office. He smirked. "Curiosity finally got the better of you, did it?"

"Among other things. I've promised, so tell."

"No, I don't feel like it anymore." He returned his glance to the parchment. Not a word of what was written seeped into his brain but he made sure that his eyes skimmed across the page as if he were actually reading.

"_Sirius..._" she whined. "You can't do that, it's not fair."

He chuckled. "No, I gave you the chance and you let pass the offer."

"_Pleeeeeease?_"

"Oh, Cariad, I'm ashamed of you. Resorting to puppy eyes? Tsk Tsk."

"You _are_ going to tell me, Sirius. It's only a matter of how much you insist on making me debase myself first. That's what you wanted, wasn't it?"

"No," he said honestly.

"I didn't think so." Her voice was soft and understanding, her eyes no longer overly wide and pleading, but warm and patient. Sirius was under the impression that somehow she already knew.

"I'm sure you can guess."

"Is it about—" she stopped herself, as he suspected she would. That only confirmed that they were thinking the same thing.

"Ha! You can't even mention it, can you? Because you've already promised someone else not to talk about it."

Her lips pursed together, no doubt determined not to give anything away. "What happened then?"

"I already told you."

Her brows drew together in confusion so he clarified. "I didn't wait around to find out."

Lily's mouth shaped an "oh" but the sound itself never emerged.

"What are his chances?" she asked. It wasn't the question he had expected but he answered anyway.

"If he wakes, he'll probably live. Though he might bleed to death before he can regain consciousness."

"I see," she breathed softly as she sank into her chair. They cultivated a mutual but unsteady silence. He became suddenly aware just how loudly the business of respiration was. He could hear both her breath and his own as if they were two asthmatics. She wasn't looking at him and he had no idea what she was thinking. So he guilelessly asked her.

"I was wondering what else you'd say," she answered in that same monotone voice.

"Nothing."

Another stretch of silence.

"Well, I have to go. I have things to do."

Yes, because we all of us have such pressing schedules at 5 in the morning, Sirius thought sarcastically. No doubt she just wanted out of there.

"Be gone, then."

She moved to the door and paused, her hand placed delicately on the frame, then turned to face him. "Are you going to be alright?" she asked softly.

Unnerved (or perhaps taken aback) by this concern, he waved her away as a noble would a servant. "Go on, Cariad."

Lily's head fell, her hair curtaining her face. Her hand slid down the doorframe in a dejected caress. "G'night, Sirius." And with that she ghosted out of the room.

"Damn her," he breathed aloud, though he didn't know why. It was his own fault and he knew it.

x

Rupert yawned and stretched, glancing at the clock on the bedside table. He groaned. The alarm would go off in another four minutes. He threw off the covers and reluctantly climbed out of bed. The remaining occupant sleepily grasped at the blankets to cover herself again. Rupert padded into the bathroom and stepped into the shower. With any luck his guest would take her leave when the alarm went off, giving him some privacy for the rest of the morning. He had much work to do before classes began. He managed to complete all his Head Boy duties last night, but had neglected to finish his History of Magic essay in lieu of the more attractive activity Lydia had proposed.

Dressed for the day, and relieved to find he now had his rooms to himself, he sat at his work table and pulled his unfinished essay to him. It was then he noticed a book that didn't belong to him lying on the table next to his essay. A piece of parchment stuck out, and he opened the volume to the page it marked. He recognised her handwriting immediately and laughed aloud as he thankfully read over the outline she'd provided for him. Had she dropped it by the previous evening or that very morning? Did she think so little of him (read: 'known him so well') as to assume that he would still be working on it two hours before the assignment was due?

He chuckled and began working.

.

Not only had he finished the essay but he had even had the time to eat breakfast.

He took his seat next to his best friend and kissed her on the cheek in greeting. Lydia gave them both a baleful look from her place at the Ravenclaw table. Lily was completely unaware of the murderous frown as she always was. Rupert felt a slight prick of guilt as he recalled Lily's continued confused consternation as to why girls to whom she had never been anything but nice seemed to dislike her. Lydia would now be added to that list, but Lily was still unaware so she simply smiled warmly. "You finished it then?"

"I did, thank you. Tell me, did you bring it by last night or this morning?"

"This morning," she said with a shrug, buttering her toast.

"_Crumb bum?_"

It had been an odd, squeaky voice, it did not even sound human. He eyed Lily's robes askance. She laughed quietly without even opening her mouth, so it came out more as an amused hum. Beneath the table, so as to be hidden from the eyes of the other students, Lily pulled out a baby ferret from the folds of her robes.

"Dare I ask?" he said sarcastically.

"He wasn't getting enough food or attention. I told Hagrid I'd mind him for a while. "

Which proved to be the reason why they sat in the very back of the History of Magic classroom that morning. Lily placed her note taking quill on the teacher's desk (the ghost never used it anyway) and the two of them, or three, if one counted the Jarvey, took their seats. Out of habit, Rupert put his head down on the desk and prepared himself for his usual Thursday morning nap when a little _crumb bum_ distracted him.

"Let me hold him," he whispered to Lily. She grinned and extricated the Jarvey from her robes and handed it over. Rupert tried petting it but it clamped into his thumb with all four paws and began nibbling the opposable digit furiously. It didn't hurt.

Despite the fact that he was minding her little charge, Lily still didn't pay attention to Binns' lecture. Instead she stared out the window distractedly.

x

She was sitting at lunch toying absent-mindedly with her food. Jarvey had finally settled down for a nap, she could feel him breathing steadily in her robes. Remus had insisted that morning when she visited that she take him back. Just as well, it was running out of milk. Tonight, after the prefect meeting and dinner she would have to refill the bottle. She'd either have to owl Hagrid to pick her up for the outing, or she'd have to ask Sirius...

She'd rather not face him just yet. Not until she got her head in proper thinking order. Merlin knew she had been thinking about him all morning, but the more she tried to reason it out, the more nonsensical her thought processes seemed to become. She was completely and entirely torn. On the one hand, Lily could sympathise with Sirius for the anger he felt towards Bright. On the other hand... well that was all too obvious. It was murder, no matter how justified. Not only that, but it wouldn't be the first time. Her mind reluctantly kept pulling her back to Severus. Sirius had set up _his_ death and hadn't waited around either. He simply sat back in his common room and awaited for the 'happy news' to reach him the next day. Or he would have, had his hubris not brought him and his plan down. Bragging to James had been the downfall of that scheme. And now he did it again. He set up a situation so that someone would die, and that he wouldn't have to be there when it happened. She knew that this was different. It wasn't a cruel prank, it wasn't a heartless joke. It was revenge. And yet more justifiable therefore? Hardly. Not for the first time Lily's conscience battled with a personal vendetta. How many times had James lectured her for being idealistic? That what was right didn't necessarily mean legal. And the reverse certainly wasn't true either. Laws weren't the end all be all on morality. Laws, in the society in which she presently lived, served the law makers, not the people. They certainly did not serve to maintain peace among the people.

Hands placed themselves on her shoulders, slid down her arms, brushed her hands before resting on either side of them, gripping the edge of the table, trapping her in. A warm chest pressed her from behind and he leaned over her, speaking at a whisper, directly into her ear so as she felt his mouth and jaw move against her, felt the vibration of his reverberating voice tingling.

"_Feel free in hating me, Cariad. But I was, and still am, of the opinion that the man deserved it. I can't apologise for that. I can't apologise for anything. No_--" he said, sensing she was about to say something and cutting her off. "_Don't speak_." Lily knew why she couldn't. She was certain they made a pretty tableau, if also a slightly scandalous one. It was crafty, low, cheating, and unquestionably clever. He'd chosen a time and a place where she had no choice but to listen to him, and guaranteed that she wouldn't react poorly, seeing as _everyone_ was watching her. It looked like he was romantically nuzzling the side of her face, whispering sweet nothings in her ear. Little did they know of the horrors that he was actually saying. "_You should have heard the things he said about our Remus._" He was growling at this point, and Lily could hear how much anger he was suppressing in his voice; see the muscles of his forearms tighten as he gripped the table harder, and the veins rise to higher prominence in his skin. "_The way he spoke of werewolves, of half-breeds, of __**vampires**__..._" Lily drew breath and didn't exhale._ "How he planned to torture and exterminate. How he loved to humiliate them first, reminding them, as he said, of their lower stations. You might think I'm cruel, and I may be, but if he did die this morning his death was a merciful one; a fraction of what he deserved._" Sirius went on to tell her how the man boasted of his collection of werewolf pelts and vampire fangs and Lily had to remove her betraying hands shakily to her lap. She knew well enough Bright's idea of justice. The image of Remus in a silver trap would be one that would stay with her forever.

She could show no outward sign of distress and the false smile she had been struggling to keep on her face ached with the effort. Shouting 'stop it!' was as far out of the question as pushing him away and sprinting out of the Great Hall to vomit. "_I've learned from my mistakes. If I could go back in time, I would have made sure he died. And I don't know if I'm good enough of a wizard to say it would have been quick and painless..._" She moved her left hand to cover his, covertly digging her nails into his flesh. He took the hint, stopped speaking and withdrew. He had intended to make a cowardly getaway but her nails clung stubbornly to his hand, halting his attempt. She stood to go with him and he smiled at her adoringly. All for his eyes, which glinted with malice. Whether at her or at the memories he had just recently and vividly recounted she didn't know, but would soon find out.

They strode out of the hall hand in hand.

"Would you mind releasing me from your talons?" he asked in a biting whisper. "You have a grip like a Harpy."

Lily let go of his hand but immediately linked her arm through his. Merely a symbolic gesture. If he wanted to try and escape a mere polite arm on his wouldn't stop him. He had more powerful methods. But so did she...

Luckily for them both he didn't make any foolish attempt to shake her off. He grudgingly led her to the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom.

"Find out if he's dead," she said without preamble once Sirius had slammed the door behind them.

"What?"

"How can you not want to know?"

"I do."

"Then go find out!"

"And return to the scene of the crime? I'm not so idiotic and I'm surprised you'd even suggest such a thing. Give it a few days and it'll appear in the papers either way. If not in the obituaries than in another one of his cursed articles on how well the SCDDHB is getting on. No need to go haring off to incriminate myself. Unless you want to spare me the trouble and owl Crouch himself to let him know."

"Don't be ridiculous," she said glaring.

"Why not? It's the right and just thing," he taunted with cruel sarcasm.

"Oh do _shut up_!" she hissed through clenched teeth.

He did so, obviously grinding his teeth.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean that," she said after she had calmed down. "Why do you insist on antagonising me when I'm on your side?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Are you?"

"Sirius, how could you say such a thing!"

"Oh I forgot," he said with a horrible smirk. "You love evil murderers, don't you. You've remained loyal to a _Death Eater_ after all; I suppose no crime _I_ could commit would be heinous enough to be rid of you."

It was if he had struck her. She stood there blinking, trying to regain her breath, she'd lost it somewhere. His eyes were burning and Lily had to force away her own pain, her own outrage. She would not be bated.

"No," she replied firmly, or as firmly as she could. "Nothing."

"Bah. Such Huffelpuffery," he spat. It was a clear insult.

"Except," she continued, "asking me." His face was hard and expressionless as stone so she had no indication whether he had understood or not so she elaborated. "If you want to be rid of me so badly, just tell me that's what you want. I'll... I'll comply. _If_ that's what you want..." she said, worried sick his damned pride or something else equally crippling would cause him take up the offer she had reluctantly and impulsively made.

He turned his back to her, then a moment later transformed himself into a dog. She assumed it was because a dog's face is less expressive. Descending to her knees, she took the mighty beasts muzzle in her hands and stared into its eyes. They were far less expressive even than Sirius' stone stare. She hugged his neck and mumbled into his fur, "Say the word and I'd be by your side again."

A deep rumble sounded from the beast and she let go. He immediately took the opportunity to escape, fleeing into the office. He must have turned back into a human because the door slammed powerfully. Lily flinched at the sound and couldn't bring herself to get off the floor.

"What have I done?" she asked. "What did I do to make him turn on me?" The answer mercifully came to her sooner rather than later. _She _hadn't done anything. He had simply opened up to her. Despising having needed to confide in someone, hating that she'd seen him in a moment of weakness. She'd seen him physically weak and broken before, but this was even worse. He couldn't run from himself, but he _could_ push _her_ away. The only other witness.

Lily didn't know how long she sat there contemplating but the class was upon her before she had even realised their presence. Had she been paying attention she would have heard their thundering footsteps and loud chatter in the echoing halls. But she wasn't paying attention, and she sat their stupidly with Jarvey licking her fingers until the first person tried to open the door, only to find it locked. She shook the vapours from her head and scrambled to her feet to let in her peers. She was certain Sirius had slammed the door by hand, and also that he had not once taken out his wand. She made a mental note to tell him later that he had performed wandless magic; if he would talk to her, that is.

Always one for a dramatic entrance, no matter his mood, Sirius flung the office door wide and stood in the opening for a moment so everyone could take in his casual yet stunning beauty. He sauntered in as if he had not a care in the world. Lily looked down at her desk, not caring to witness his performance of blatantly ignoring her. Or worse, he would smile and greet her cheerfully, make some loud and over the top scene, paying her compliments and spouting sonnets, all the while mocking her with those cold grey eyes. She realised he did that often. Hid himself by playing a part, his assumed character often easier to be than his real self. She didn't want to see Sirius the affectionate lover; that would be worse than cold silence.

She stroked the Jarvey behind its ear, his hair so thin and fine, barely filled out. For once it left her fingers alone and Lily wondered if it might be asleep again.

He strolled to her desk and considered her pout for a moment, then bent down and very slowly leaned in to place a kiss at the corner of her mouth. She understood why he had taken his time about it. A tricky target such as that one requires aim and concentration. He had to make it look convincing and she had no doubt that to the rest of the onlookers it appeared like a kiss full on the mouth. Lily couldn't help but admire the manifold ways in which Sirius' cunning managed to manifest itself. And of course it wasn't for the sake of appearances. No, this was the exact same as he had done at lunch. Hiding his real meaning in a public display. He wouldn't give her the chance to talk about it, because it was in public, but the brush of lips was more than necessary reassurance that he didn't want to be rid of her. The kiss had been so strategically placed it was meaningful to both them and the rest of the world. So simple, so understated, Lily knew it was from the real Sirius, not his persona.

Even with everyone else around it was an uncomfortably sentimental moment. He didn't follow the gesture with anything else, no words either to her or to the class. He simply removed his hand from under her chin, turned around and went back to the front of the classroom. He didn't ask for silence. He didn't need to. Finally taking his eyes off hers he observed the class and bade them "Good afternoon, class."

"Good afternoon Professor Black."

Sirius sat on the edge of the desk, scooping up the parchment Lily recognised as her own lesson plan for the day. His eyes ran down the length of the paper then darted back to her.

"Actually," he began, eyes still on Lily as he placed the parchment back down on the desk. "Today I think we will discuss something that has never been taught. Not in relation to Defence Against the Dark Arts anyway."

"Unforgivables?" one student asked with, to Lily's mind, far too much eagerness.

"Not quite," Sirius said, acknowledging the boy with a nod in his direction. "Say there is a prisoner in Azkaban who has used an Unforgivable, the killing curse to be precise. Hands in the air if you believe the Dementor's kiss is justifiable punishment."

A little more than half of the class raised their hand tentatively, but not without looking to their neighbours first to make sure they weren't alone in their opinion.

"Excellent. A good solid divide," said Sirius. "Today, I wanted to discuss ethics in defence against the dark arts."

Lily didn't actually say it, but she was sure Sirius read her raised eyebrows aright. _'You? Teaching ethics?'_

"I know," he said with a small grin. "Having no morals to speak of, you might be wondering why I should teach them. I'll be the first to admit I have no scruples and no notion when it comes to morality. Therefore who better to teach them? I'm simply opening your minds to the debate. Consider me an impartial referee. So what I'm going to do is throw something out there and I want you to say the first thing that springs to mind. Don't bother raising your hand." He cleared his throat and paused, making sure everyone was ready. Satisfied that they were, he made his first point. "_There is no right and wrong_."

They were a bit slow to catch on to the exercise. Only one person spoke.

"Isn't there?" Victoria asked.

"Not upon which everyone can agree."

"Well that's not going to happen," she argued.

"Of course not," Sirius agreed affably.

"Because there will always be evil wizards and mad men who either don't know, or refuse to adhere to them."

"Indeed. Evil wizards and mad men. But even among those of us here, as we have already pointed out, there is a dramatic difference of opinion on 'clear cut' topics like the Unforgivables, and I think you would all agree that, in this classroom at least, we are relatively free of 'evil _wizards_' and 'mad _men_'." He stopped his lecture to make a side note under his breath only Lily and Rupert could hear. "Although there's no telling when it comes to ladies..."

"So how do we decide whose opinion is the correct one?"

"An excellent question!" Sirius smiled genuinely. "Any suggestions?"

"Well, the more honourable person," someone answered.

"So it would be a battle of who has the moral high ground?" Sirius asked. "Fair enough but who decides who is more honourable?"

Another silence followed. "Alright I suppose we've come to a stand-still on that one. Allow me to throw an age-old aphorism in there to try to start it up again. _Let he who is without out fault cast the first hex_."

"So Dumbledore then," one student suggested earnestly.

Sirius rounded on him. Lily expected his face to be that of amused condescension but when she caught his expression she was startled to see how hard and serious his countenance was. He took a deep breath, and it was obvious (to Lily) that he was repressing the urge to say something. He shook his head slowly.

"Not even Dumbledore's record is without blemish," he said evenly, but perhaps a bit more quietly than before. Lily heartily agreed, but she doubted that she and Sirius were thinking of the same instance. In fact, she knew they weren't, which begged the question, what did Sirius know of Dumbledore's faults?

"A child then. Children are innocent."

"Children?" The amused condescension Lily had long been expecting finally made its appearance. "Children are beyond the shadow of a doubt the most corruptible by far. A child only knows what it's been taught. Had you consulted me as a child on moral matters I can assure you, you wouldn't have received 'innocent' or 'just' answers."

Victoria spoke next. "Yes, but you're a Black."

The room fell quiet and the sound of Sirius' footsteps walking up to Victoria's desk was rather more dramatic than it ought to have been. He simply fixed her with a stare and said, "Quite." Sirius was waiting for her to go on, but she was now too terrified to. It was a long time before the silence was broken.

"_Crumb bum!_"

Lily gasped and tried quickly to put a silencing charm on her robes, cursing herself for not having thought to do it sooner. At least the distraction served to break the awkward tension that had quickly suffused the room.

"Now what do we have here?" his amused voice drawled. When Lily looked up he was standing over her. Guiltily she removed the creature from her robes and brought it out to sit on the desk. It scrambled to the edge and instantly tried to leap off the desk. Both Lily and Sirius dove to keep the little one from injuring itself, nearly injuring each other in the process. "Who is this?"

"I volunteered to take charge of him for a bit. Remus had yesterday but I collected him this morning."

"Weak, is he?" Sirius asked as he inspected the baby Jarvey, but Lily knew he was really enquiring about Remus.

"Yes," she replied, stroking the little one's head tenderly. "But not for much longer, I hope."

"I know you'll take good care of him."

By this point the Jarvey had crawled up Sirius' sleeve, so he dragged it back out again and placed it on his shoulder as he retook his place on the lecturer's platform at the front of the room.

"Right," he continued in a loud voice. "Back to the Unforgivables. Starting with the killing curse. I think we can all agree that an 'evil wizard' using Avada Kedavra on an innocent child is wrong."

Various nods and murmurs of assent confirmed his statement.

"It is the darkest death curse, agreed? The worst?"

Again, he received affirmation.

"Now I want you to tell me what makes a quick and painless Avada worse than, say, using a spell to hurl a large object at someone to break his or her spine?"

Lily couldn't help notice her classmates wrinkle their noses in disgust, and wondered if she was wearing a similar expression. A glance at the reflective window beside her revealed that her face remained impassive.

"For the killing curse is the quickest, most humane way to end a life." He approached Charlotte in the third row, eyes luring her in as he bore down on her. "No pain, no waiting. Just a flash and then it's over. And yet...." His voice was as soft and gentle as silk, as no doubt was his hand as it fell on the girl's shoulder. "If I chose to kill Miss Blaise, I would receive a harsher sentence for using the killing curse..." His long elegant fingers slid up her neck and snaked around her throat, mildly as a caress. "Than if I slowly strangled the life out of her with own, bare, hands."

From the way her eyes fluttered half closed, lips parted and her head fell back to look up at him, one might think he had tightened his grip but Lily had been eyeing his fingers carefully, making sure they didn't squeeze with any degree of force. The skin didn't sink at all. There was no pressure to that touch. Lily sighed. Yet another one smitten then, she thought. And to think all it took was him pretending he wanted to kill her. _A dangerous talent, that._

He was standing back on the platform before Blaise had realised he was gone. "Now why would that be? What makes an Unforgivable unforgivable?" he asked the room at large.

"Be- because," someone started nervously.

"Yes? Speak up, don't be shy."

Alice smiled nervously and continued. "Because unforgivables serve no other purpose than doing dark magic. The killing curse only kills. The Imperius only steals free will, and the Cruciatus only tortures, so it is easy to outlaw them all together. The punishments are steeper because... because there is no use for them but to do evil. That's why they are unforgivable."

"Ah ha, you make an excellent point Miss..."

"Hart."

"Thank you Miss Hart for your insight. Which brings us back to our friends in magical law enforcement, I'm afraid. Alright, by a show of hands, how many here like their current Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor James Potter?"

Everyone just looked around at one another in confusion or embarrassmenet. Sirius smirked.

"Really? No one?" He waited for another moment before sighing and rolling his eyes. "Honestly I'm not asking if you have his name doodled inside your books with a big heart round it." Lily wasn't looking but she heard the sound of several books slamming shut, no doubt girls were trying to hastily conceal exactly the sort of thing Sirius had just described. "I'm simply asking if you think he's a sound chap. If you would vouch for him. Come on, hands up. Who likes James Potter?"

Lily grinned to see Roo be the first to put his hand unashamedly in the air. He then turned around in his seat to face those behind him and said, "Davies, Angleton, you better put your hands up, remember Professor Potter is the only reason we get to continue playing Quidditch this year." The subsequent laughter freed the students from their self-consciousness and the Quidditch players along with everyone else in the room raised their hands cheerfully, even shy Alice Hart and David Conway, whom James had once hit with conjunctivitis curse in a fit of peak. Some of the girls gave each other meaningful looks and started giggling.

"Alright, so it looks as if we are all agreed he isn't a bad wizard?"

There were many nods of assent and one tiny voiced _crumb bum_.

"Yet our dear Professor Potter, who we have all agreed isn't bad, has used the killing curse. Now how is that we've forgiven a user of an unforgivable?"

"_Sirius!_" Lily hissed angrily. James surely wouldn't like this; he was very sensitive on the subject. Her breath caught in her throat as she thought about him. Was he fighting as she sat comfortably in class? Was he using that very same curse right now? Was it being used on him? Had it been already?

Lily barely heard Sirius continue, her mind was buzzing with worry.

"So tell me why is it that aurors are allowed to use them if they are so bad."

"Because aurors are using them for _good_," insisted David Conway.

"But I thought they were evil," Sirius prompted, waiting for another student to pick up the thread.

"They are! They shouldn't be using them," stated one girl.

"Then how can they fight those who do?" another student shouted at her from across the room.

"Quiet! Quiet, settle down everyone." The room fell silent at his bidding. "You there, what's your name?" Sirius asked.

"David Conway."

"Alright Mr. Conway, is my memory correct in that you support the aurors use of the unforgivables?"

"Yes sir."

"So if an auror killed a group of wizards he saw attacking and about to murder a young woman, you think his use of the killing curse is justified?"

"Yes sir."

"And would your opinion change if you learned that the young woman was actually the auror's girlfriend?"

"How do you mean, sir?"

"I mean even if the end result wouldn't be any different, would it matter if he was personally involved, as well as professionally?"

"I don't think so, sir. As you said everything would have turned out just the same."

"Now say that it was just an average wizard, not in magical law enforcement."

"Then he wouldn't have the right."

"And why not?"

"Because that's vigilantism."

"But the end result was still the same as in the other scenarios."

"But there has to be some order. Otherwise everyone would go out and kill people they thought deserved it."

"So you think that only Ministry appointed officials should be allowed."

"Yes, that ensures that justice is maintained."

"Let me give you a hypothetical situation then. Let's have it that a dark wizard of phenomenal power and influence was on the rise. Let's go even further and say that said wizard had taken over the ministry. Now he has the power, does that make him right? Does the ministry determine what is right and wrong? Say the ministry decides that all witches and wizards should be killed whose wand-arm is left instead of right. If their authorised officials go out and do the job, is that justice? Just because the Ministry says so? Just because they are allowed to?"

"Of course not," Conway exclaimed.

"And the Ministry would never pass such a stupid law," Victoria huffed, rolling her eyes.

"Perhaps not," Sirius said fairly, tilting his head. "And perhaps we should trust that the Ministry knows best and is incorruptible."

"Bah," was Roo's response to that.

"Well said, Ferris. And what was your name?" he asked the girl who was against even the authorised use of the Unforgivables.

"Anne Wilkes."

"And it was you who thought that the unforgivables should be used under _no_ circumstances whatever, is that right?"

She nodded.

"Let me tell you a story, Miss Wilkes. The same story I told Mr. Conway. It's about my friend, your professor, James Potter." That snapped Lily back out of what might be happening in Austria and anchored her attention in the classroom; although still anxious for James, she couldn't help but listen. "Sitting in hidden silence, he watched four Death Eaters burst out of a house, with a young girl, perhaps not much younger than yourself, Miss Wilkes, floating in the air beside them in her nightdress."

Lily shuddered in revulsion. "Sirius, please don't," she begged.

He held up a hand to silence her and she knew he would carry on despite what she or James would rather him do. She had heard this story before and didn't want to hear it again, but it seemed she had no choice. Morbid curiosity made her wonder just how many of the gory details Sirius would include.

"He knew that should he take them on he very likely wouldn't win, outnumbered as he was. So he remained concealed and watched as they sent a Dark Mark into the air. He watched as they tortured her, her pale skin seemed to glow green from the shining symbol above, reminder of her family's recent murder and harbinger of her own impending one. Thinking that back-up will never arrive in time to save the girl, he made a decision. From his hiding place he aimed well and took two of them out, dropping them dead to the ground so they couldn't be revived by their fellow Death Eaters and continue fighting. After the first two fell the others realised where he was and began their own attack. He stunned one and only managed to avoid getting hit by the killing curse himself. As he dove out of its way and picked himself up again his opponent enervated his partner. That's the trouble when you are on your own and outnumbered. They have someone to watch their backs and you have no one to watch yours. In the end the only one he didn't kill was the final one he fought. James said it was lucky they didn't kill him and even luckier they didn't kill her. He stayed with her till she came to, by which time law enforcement had finally arrived. Now my question to you, Miss Wilkes, is this. If you were that girl, would you think what James did was wrong?"

That wasn't at all the way James had told it. Nothing about harbingers of death or glowing pale skin, just desperate strokes and gut reactions. A mixture of animal fear and human hate. Sirius made him sound like a noble hero, while James seemed far from that opinion himself. The only thing about James' version that wasn't completely heart rending or horrifying was the one half joke at the end he had told her to try and liven things up. Some remark about how Quidditch saved his life, how dodging bludgers was good practice for dodging curses. They way Sirius told it however had all the boys listening admiringly to every word, chins lifted proudly and chests puffed out, while the girls looked nearly close to tears. Then there was Lily who was angry with Sirius for telling the story to begin with.

"No," said Anne quietly, slowly shaking her head. "I... I suppose I would thank him."

"I'm sure if she were aware of it she would've thanked him as you would've done. However, the girl was a muggle in fact, and not his girlfriend. So her memory was erased and she has no recollection of any of it, mercifully."

Anne's eyes widened slightly before she quickly turned her gaze to her lap

Sirius studied her. "You are muggleborn, aren't you?" he asked. Lily, being a muggleborn herself and being rather sensitive on the subject, had always kept a running list in her head of the muggleborn students of the school. Anne hadn't been one of them. "You weren't raised in the wizarding world, in any case," he added confidently. "Raised by muggle relatives perhaps? Maybe a half-blood whose magical parent abandoned you? You didn't know you were a witch until McGonagall came to you with the letter, did you?"

Anne's eyes were wide and her jaw quivered, mouth half open. The rest of the class looked at her with various expressions. Lily was surprised (and disheartened) to see that Anne's guilty reaction (though it was not a crime to be muggleborn, not yet anyway) elicited several disbelieving looks, and even a few of disapproval.

"How did you know?"

Sirius shrugged. "Your answers to every question I posed. You have a rather muggle viewpoint on things. They tend to have a rather one dimensional idea of what is right and wrong. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying muggles are shallow or of weak understanding. Simply that among themselves, muggles have clear cut barriers. The privacy of your mind, the state of your soul and your free will are things of which you and only you have control. Death and torture is the most horrible because they don't have anything worse. In the wizarding world however... _nothing_ is sacrosanct."

"That's not true," she argued.

"Is it not? Tell me then, my dear. What do you have that I cannot take from you? Certainly not your life or virtue," he said casually, dismissing the simple crimes of murder and rape. "Your soul isn't safe either. I can't remove it myself but Dementors aren't discerning, all it would take would be to leave you in their path. Free will we've already discussed with the Imperius curse. All it would take to hear your deepest secrets is a drop of verituserum. You're very thoughts, the secrets you keep only in your head, perhaps secrets you try to hide from yourself aren't safe from me, unless you are a master Occlumens? Didn't think so. So what else? Your heart is certainly out of the question, one swallow of Amortentia and you'd give over your dearest love for the chance to pant at my heels. So what then, Miss Wilkes, did you imagine is untouchable? What horror could I _not_ do to you?"

Lily wished that Sirius would leave Anne alone, the poor girl sat petrified in her seat. She hoped he realised this looked like muggleborn baiting. Another part of her was thinking over what Sirius had said about the difference between muggles and wizards. Odd, that Voldemort, arguably the most magically powerful man alive had a muggle outlook. He too seemed to think that death was the worst possible fate; then again for him it might have been, not having a soul or a heart to worry about.

"Leave off, Sirius. You've strayed from the point of the lesson," Lily reminded him coolly, taking it upon herself to redirect the lesson back to the topic, which hadn't even been the one she had worked so hard to plan for that day.

He nodded in assent, stroking the Jarvey on his shoulder. "Fuck," he told it.

"_Crumb bum_."

He shook his head and rolled his eyes at the pitiful attempt. He turned back to the class, unaware of the fact that his sudden vocabulary lesson for the Jarvey was just that, and not an unprovoked, violent expostulation. Sirius either didn't know or didn't care to explain himself and continued with the lecture. "So the Unforgivables are bad spells which may or may not be put to good use, but what of good spells put to bad use? Is it a perversion of its purpose? Would that be even more unpardonable? "

"You know it doesn't work like that," said Lily, now having opened her mouth unable to keep her opinions to herself anymore. "You speak as if magic is some innocent bystander, that it's not the spells fault for being used improperly. Magic itself isn't good or bad."

Sirius grinned. "Go on."

"Magic _can't_ be benevolent or malevolent. It doesn't have a conscience, or a will. It doesn't make decisions. It doesn't even exist until a witch or wizard wills it. It's the will, not the magic, that is good or evil."

"An interesting opinion. Pity you can't prove it." Which of course was his way of challenging her to do just that. Not now though. Lily gave up participating in the discussion and sat back, listening with interest as Sirius persisted in goading her classmates into heated arguments until the lesson ended and he abruptly dismissed them with no resolution. They protested, the most active participants insisting that a winner be decided upon.

Sirius shrugged. "There is none," he said simply. "Just shake hands like gentle-wizards, agree to disagree, and take your leave."

"But we didn't resolve anything!"

"Certainly we didn't," the substitute Defence teacher replied imperturbably.

"What was the point of wasting the last two hours then?" Conway asked.

"So that you know your own mind," Sirius announced, suddenly severe. "Know your own mind, know your own morals, know the law, and know that one day you might have to answer to all of them..."

x

Nothing is more dangerous than a person who doesn't know their own mind. They make easy prey for other more strong-minded souls to thrust their own opinions upon them.

Sirius was the largest hypocrite there. He doubted there was a single person in the room for whom the distinction between right and wrong was more ambiguous. Sirius didn't see things in terms of good or bad, right and wrong. He could understand just and unjust. Retribution and reckonings. He saw things as what was best for him and those he was close to, or what would be more productive in the grand scheme of things but morals didn't come into it. He was an 'end justifies the means' man. Yes, he disagreed with sanguism and the rest because it was simply feeble minded to judge someone by their ancestors instead of the person themselves. That, to Sirius, was common sense, and those who didn't use common sense weren't worth his attention. He wasn't enraged by the injustice of it all, but the sheer stupidity of it all.

Sirius prided himself on being an excellent judge of character. He would even go so far as to say it was a gift; one of several Chance had bestowed upon him. People were so complex and full of genuine flaws, he was given ample reason not to like them. He didn't need superficial ones like blood status etc.

Many purebloods didn't belief in blood superiority either. They simply liked the aristocratic lifestyle and used sanguism to rouse the ignorant to get what they want. Sirius could only admire that kind of ruthless intelligence. Rumour had it that Voldemort himself was only half-blood, and seeing as he had tried to recruit powerful muggleborns as well as half-bloods and pure-bloods, it was clear it wasn't blood that was his principle concern, but power.

Now _that_ was something that Sirius understood.

x

No one persisted after Sirius' last comment. They simply filed out in contemplative silence. Lily had intended to stay with Sirius after it ended, but now she was more curious as to what her classmates would say about the lesson. She packed away her things and shuffled out with everyone else, stopping only for a moment to toss Sirius the Jarvey's bottle, nearly empty though it was. He caught it deftly, and in a gesture completely void of resentment, put it to his brow and lifted it in a salute as she walked out of the door leaving him alone in the classroom.

She stayed behind the rest as they made their way, wishing she had the invisibility cloak as she tried to unobtrusively catch snippets of the conversations being held. The Ravenclaw boys seemed to hold Sirius' lesson, if not the man himself, in high regard. The lads of Gryffindor were of the exact reverse opinion, liking the man, but annoyed by the way he conducted the lesson. Although it was mentioned that it was rather low of him to make everyone voice their opinions when he wouldn't do it himself, to which other people argued that he did it so as not to sway others in the debate.

"He wanted us to think for ourselves, not take his word for it," said one girl. "Not that I would have anyway. He _is_ a Black. You heard how he spoke about muggleborns... "

"Come off it. Lily Evans is a muggleborn. You saw the way they were at lunch."

"That proves nothing."

"Does so. If he hated muggleborns why would he be with one?"

"Ferris! You know them both, what do you say?"

Rupert, who had been walking well in front had no doubt been intently following the proceedings, but had wisely kept his mouth shut. "What?" he asked turning around to face them. "Sorry, wasn't listening," he lied, spotting Lily behind the group and immediately averting his eyes so as not to give her away. They had come to a halt at the end of the corridor and Lily took the opportunity to skirt into the shadow cast by a suit of armour in a near alcove. Seeing as Rupert was the only one facing her way, she allowed herself to peak her head out to watch, ready to withdraw quickly should anyone else turn around.

"Sirius Black and whether or not he hates muggleborns, even if he is with Lily Evans."

"That's seems rather contradictory," he said with evasive diplomacy.

"Well he's not exactly simple, is he?" one remarked sarcastically. "He's a mystery all round. What do you think?"

Lily held her breath. The best thing for Roo to do would be to shrug and say 'I don't know.' Although it was unlikely that word of this conversation would reach consequential ears, it was still possible, and Sirius wanted to keep his ambiguity preserved so he could play both sides. Rupert's eyes darted to hers briefly, as if looking for some intimation of what he should say, but Lily could only purse her lips and shake her head quickly. She wasn't even sure he saw the gesture, his gaze hadn't rested on her for more than a moment. It seemed drawn elsewhere before he focused his attention back on the group.

He shrugged, and Lily could have sworn she saw the corner of his mouth quirk up mischievously. "He's a Gryffindor, isn't he?" he said smugly, as if this settled the matter. As predicted, they erupted into the long-standing inter-house debate. Triumphant smirk still in place, Rupert gave Lily a surreptitious wink and turned his back on the group and headed down the stairs.

.

It was an industrious two hours Lily and Rupert spent that evening with the prefects. Dumbledore would announce the new rules the next day, but the prefects were to be well versed in them so they could competently to enforce them when they were put into effect. Of course, word of Quidditch had spread like fiendfyre, but all the other restrictions were slower to spread.

After the meeting they all departed for dinner. From her position at the Gryffindor table, Lily could see Sirius improperly trying to feed the Jarvey, perched on his shoulder, scraps of food from his plate. Ruffling Roo's hair, she rose and made her way to the Head table. Sirius, to the distaste of tiny Professor Flitwick sitting beside him, was inciting the little one to repeat a colourful assortment of vile words.

"Any luck?" she asked upon arrival, reaching over the table to scratch the little one behind his ears.

Sirius tossed his napkin on his plate and stood. "Under my expert tutelage, our young friend has made vast improvements." He plucked his passenger from off his shoulder and held him on his palm. "Jarvey, demonstrate!"

"_Crumb bum_," it said distractedly as it tried to burrow up his sleeve.

Sirius narrowed his eyes at what was now a bulge moving up his arm. "Contrary bugger," he hissed under his breath.

"I'll be scrubbing cauldrons this evening till 10. I was wondering..." she trailed off and cleared her throat, waiting for Sirius to move around the table to stand next to her before she continued. "If you felt like accompanying a girl into the forest tonight."

He chuckled. "Love to, Cariad, but I've sworn to Prongs to keep you from finding trouble, and the forest is riddled with such fine opportunities."

"You've spoken to him? Is he alright?"

"We didn't speak for any considerable length of time. Just long enough for him to say he was alive, couldn't speak, and insist I keep you out of trouble." He fished his arm into his sleeve and scowled yet again at his failure to retrieve the little beast. He continued speaking, despite his failure. "An undertaking, I feel, inordinately unfair to charge _anyone_. If he can't even manage it, it is inconceivable to think--. Damn and blast it," he swore in frustration. "He'll ruin my shirt."

Lily, with smaller hands, took up the task as she enquired, "What else did he say?"

"Only sentimental things that I cannot, in all good conscience, repeat."

"Good conscience, indeed," she said sarcastically, successfully wangling the ferret like creature from Sirius' robes.

Suddenly in a good mood at hearing James was alright, she smiled and handed the Jarvey back to him. "Just until I'm finished with Slughorn?" she requested. "Then I have to go to the den and milk the mother. It's not _too_ deep into the forest."

.

Her first session with the Potions Master wasn't, as Sirius had scorned, scrubbing cauldrons, but the brewing of a relatively simple concoction for Madame Pomfrey. Lily, despite Slughorn's insistence that she needn't bother, couldn't help but satisfy her own curiosity by checking the inventory, making sure the figures on the parchment matched the ingredients in the store, and updated it by subtracting the supplies they had just used. She made a copy of it while Slughorn wasn't looking so that she could pore over the list in her own time so she could determine what could and couldn't be made in case of an emergency. Not that she had any intention of lifting potion ingredients; it was just an exercise in idle curiosity. All in all it was a disappointing start to her apprenticeship, but she wasn't at all deterred. Sometimes slow starts are the best, especially now, when she had other things on her mind.

Sirius picked her up from the dungeons and together they made their way to the Jarvey den. Lily was startled when, upon arriving at their destination, Sirius burst out in wild and outrageous cursing. He continued shouting as he descended upon the mother Jarvey.

"What the devil are you doing?" Lily asked him, alarmed and confused.

"Putting her at ease," he explained out of the side of his mouth before continuing his violent tirade. Lily noticed Sirius, in a completely incongruous gesture, was gently stroking the enormous animal's fur. Once again she sat back and watched as a man did the milking.

x

Even though it was nearing midnight, Remus was wide awake as he sat in the dusty bed. He'd slept most the day through. Wolves were nocturnal beasts after all. He heard them approach outside, two people by the sound of their footfalls. Their strides crunched crisply in the snow, which had in the last few days melted slightly, frozen over, melted, and frozen over again. Remus wasn't complaining, he preferred having as much warning as possible. Gripping his wand he sat, poised, ready for confrontation. Since the full moon, he had spent his waking moments listening for Henry Bright to come for him and finish the job he started.

His grimace and grip eased when, upon hearing the pair enter his Shack, he smelled the multi-flavoured smoke of Sirius' tobacco. His stomach growled at the smell of steaming food which meant that Lily had come as well, and had kindly brought him delicious things to eat. Also, he caught the now familiar scent of Jarvey. Remus grinned, looking forward to seeing everyone and everything those scents promised.

"He's awake after all," said Sirius as he strolled through the door, the little Jarvey crawling out from under his robes and onto his shoulder.

"Hello Remus," Lily said, swooping down to kiss his forehead.

"What brings you here?" he asked pleasantly.

"Couldn't stay away," she said smiling coquettishly, placing a basket on his lap before hopping up to sit beside him. He scooted over obligingly and she held her arms out reaching to Sirius, a gesture that confused Remus but that his friend understood, coming to her and handing her the Jarvey and bottle. Remus began inspecting the contents of the basket, choosing a chicken leg and ripping the meat from the bone in a satisfying bite. Sirius stood back, arms crossed over his chest observing the scene with an amused smirk.

"Beauty and the beasts," he remarked under his breath. Lily must not have heard, for she continued humming, unperturbed.

"A pleasant surprise to see you here, Padfoot," he commented.

"I'm under orders to keep an eye on the red head while the professor's away," he explained, giving the words 'under orders' and 'professor' an odd emphasis, tainted with embittered sarcasm.

"Where's he gone?"

"Classified information, I'm afraid," he said, again with familiar tones of patient annoyance.

Unfortunately, Lily stopped her humming to ask, "How have you been feeling, Remus?"

"Not too bad," he answered. "I think another day or two'll do it."

Lily turned to him, grinning madly but saying nothing. He grinned back, but it fell. He wanted to thank her for all she'd done. He wouldn't be alive now if it weren't for her, and he couldn't even thank her. And why not? Remus mentally pummelled himself. Because Sirius was there. Hang it, he'd do it anyway; it was just a simple thank you. He should have said as much for her bringing him food.

"Thank you, Lily." It seemed to him that the pause between his thanks and her name had been far too long. A plain expression of gratitude doesn't sound suspicious, but he had managed to botch it. Flushing slightly, he scratched his head awkwardly and chanced a look at Sirius hoping that he had taken no notice. No such luck. He had expected his friend's face would be enquiring. What he hadn't expected was the underlying glare of silent fury. Those silver eyes burned him as if it were the actual metal boring into him. What had provoked such implicit malice, he had no idea. He retreated by returning to rummage through the basket. It was then that he saw it, and knew that Sirius must have seen it too. The ragged scar encircled his arm in angry jagged edges. Even after he'd transformed back that terrible night he had had the presence of mind, naked as he was, to lie on top of the arm. Now, he had grown so used to the sight he hadn't remembered to hide it. He had been too pleased it was his beloved friends to check on him and not a murderous mob to kill him.

No use pulling down his sleeve now that Sirius had seen, and who knew what conclusions and suppositions that shrewd mind was making. When he looked again he saw Sirius' eyes were ice cold. It caused the hairs on the back of his neck to prickle.

Lily began to hum again, ensuring a momentary peace. Remus wouldn't count on more than a minute.

The song ended and Lily sighed. "I'm afraid we can't stay, Remus," she said regretfully. "Just came for a quick visit."

"_Crumb bum?_"

"You go on ahead, Cariad," Sirius suggested with a cheer so believable that had Remus not seen him smouldering a minute previous, he would have though his friend in the highest of spirits. "Moony and I'll nip over to the Hogshead for a night cap."

Lily didn't seem fooled by this at all, Remus noted with relief, and she gave Sirius a disapproving look. "I don't think that's the wisest idea, Sirius," she said with a meaningful glare. "Remus needs rest and I won't have you keeping him up drinking half the night and being sick in the snow for the rest of it. Besides, _you_ have lessons to teach in the morning."

"Nonsense. The night is young and so are we. Perhaps you too much so, so go on and trot off to bed, Cariad. Passed your bedtime."

"Wha-? Passed my— " she sputtered. "How dare you! You didn't seem to mind keeping me awake last night!"

That sounded so wrong to Remus' ears but he knew better.

"Such a fuss you're making! You're not the lad's mother, however often you pretend to be."

"I don't have to be a mother to know he shouldn't be out carousing so soon after the full moon."

"I've seen a fair few more of his transformations than you have, I'm well acquainted with his recovery, and a quick trip to the Hogshead for a single drink won't kill him. Stop being such a spoil sport."

Had the situation been different, Remus may have laughed at that last remark. Back in their school days _he_ had been on the receiving end of that accusation countless times. He briefly imagined what school would have been like had she been in their year, perhaps he would have had someone on his side, someone to give him the courage to stand up to James and Sirius.

"Thoughtless brute," was Lily's answer.

"Overbearing shrew."

"Crumb bum!" said the Jarvey excitedly, getting into the spirit of things. Its little voice seemed to snap them out of the argument and remind them that they were not the only people in the room. Lily stroked its head distractedly.

"Moony, m'boy. Tell her you aren't the invalid she thinks you are."

"I..." He stopped and considered it for a moment. If he admitted to feeling better, he'd have to go with Sirius, the inquisitor. If he said he wasn't... well, could his pride, so bruised already, purposefully inflict more injury to itself by saying he was a weakling? He sighed. Sirius had seen. Even if Remus did claim to not feeling up to it, it would merely postpone things. Better get it over with now.

"I think I might benefit from giving my legs a stretch," he said at last. Lily turned to face him.

"Are you sure?" she asked, placing her hand tenderly on his arm. It might have been coincidence that her hand happened to cover the scar left by the silver trap, but her eyes told him otherwise. While her voice had been soft and caring those little green orbs had been warning, darting from his arm, to Sirius, then directly into his face. The message was unmistakable but unnecessary. He already knew Sirius had seen. That's why he was agreeing to go.

"It won't kill me," he said with a smile. Both of them knew he wasn't talking about the affects of night air and a pint of stout on a recovering werewolf. It was true though. Telling the truth wouldn't kill him. Sirius on the other hand... Well, making Sirius angry probably wouldn't be fatal either. Unarguably bad for his health, but not fatal. His muscles clenched in anticipation of the beating he would receive for having kept this from him. Sirius had reacted badly when Remus forgot to tell him about his job, an offence which paled in comparison to this. He shuddered to contemplate that the severity of the offence would probably be in proportion to the force of the blows. Ouch. Remus steeled himself. It was no less than he deserved. He was going to be beaten like a dog, and take it like a man. _There's a summation of my life if ever there was one._ No doubt the life story of more than one werewolf.

.

They saw Lily into the secret passage beneath Aberforth's dustbins. Remus bowed his head in anticipation of the kiss Lily pressed to his forehead, which she did of course bestow, and they bade her goodnight.

"The time has come," Sirius said. "To talk of many things..."

Remus was more than willing to discuss shoes, ships and sealing wax, but knew that Sirius wouldn't likely be interested in the topics. His friend put an arm around his shoulder and guided him inexorably into the dark smoky depths of the Hogshead.

They sat down at a booth with their drinks and Remus watched as Sirius wiped the mouth of the glass with a handkerchief before he held the glass in the air and asked, "To what shall we toast, my friend?"

Sirius' manner was that of a complacent cat playing with its food, not at all in a hurry. Remus, the mouse, just wished that cat would get it over with.

"To honesty?" he suggested sarcastically, abandoning all pretence for the desire to be done with it.

"Spare me," Sirius said, honestly. "What an appalling suggestion. I was thinking more on the lines of, youth, beauty, gaiety, laughter, something light and frivolous."

"To being young then," he said with a conspicuous lack of frivolity. Sirius brought their glasses together with a clink.

"And may we always stay that way."

Remus was tempted not to drink, because those who stay young only manage it because they die that way. Having pretty much already resigned himself to that fate anyway, he took a large, courage boosting swig. He set his pint down onto the filthy table with a satisfyingly loud clomp.

"So what do you want to know?" he asked brazenly.

Sirius regarded him for a moment, then weaving his fingers together he placed his joined hands on the table in front of him and replied very evenly, "Whatever you are willing to tell me." Then he smirked. "But if you are looking for a place to begin you might start by telling me where I might get a bracelet like that one."

Remus snorted and inspected the messy scar that encircled his lower arm. "Courtesy of the peaceful brothers of the SCDDHB, but it's an exclusive honour bestowed only upon a few, I'm afraid you don't qualify."

Sirius listened patiently as he told him the skeleton of the story, leaving out details (both great and small) and Lily's part entirely. No use in exposing her to Sirius' displeasure, he reasoned. But perhaps Remus wasn't giving his friend enough credit. The fact that Sirius didn't throttle him then and there was a laudable display of self control. Actually, Sirius had been remarkably calm the whole time; very understanding and even supportive throughout the entire interview.

As they stood to go Sirius said, "Well, now that we've got that out of the way there's only one thing left."

Remus turned around just in time to see his friend's incoming fist...

.

The first thing he thought when he awoke was that his jaw was unsurprisingly sore. He recognised the room as one in Sirius' London flat and the man himself sat in a chair beside the bed. Seeing he was awake, Sirius rose and said laconically, "That's for not telling me." He extinguished the lights. Just before he left the room, with no malice whatever in his voice he added, "G'night Moony."


	64. Nothing Says Unity like Matching Tshirts

_**Author's Note: **__Right, I was hoping to wrap up this bit with this chapter, but apparently it is going to have to spill into three parts, as I feared. (This chapter alone is already near 20,000 words.) Part III was going to be entirely light and happy and I wanted it in here now to balance out the last chapter. I'd hate to depress you this early on in the story. (Can I say that after 63 chapters?) Anyway, even this section isn't as dark, it has some fluff but it lacks the frivolity I had meant for it. You'll just have to wait for the next chapter for all the romantical goodness. (vomits) And Quidditch! (happy dance)_

**Chapter 64: Matching T-shirts**

Action is eloquence. ~WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, _Coriolanus_

_._

"Lovely place, i'n it," Frank declared breathlessly from just behind him.

James didn't break his stride to reply, but kept sprinting up the slick icy incline. "Oh yeah, beautiful. I think I'll honeymoon here," he said, trying to sound as sarcastic as possible while panting from extreme exertion. He fired a spell to the side so that a large tree capsized behind them, blocking the path from which they'd come. It would serve as a momentary distraction at best.

"You asked her already, then?" A large boom caused the earth to shake so fiercely both men were thrown off their feet. The mountains around Salzburg were riddled with jagged rocks and several such greeted him when he hit the ground.

"No," he answered in a grunt, rolling onto his back and sitting up slightly to fire several curses in rapid succession between the gap in his spread legs. The barriers wouldn't give them much time, just enough to get back on their feet and running again. James scrambled up and groped for his friend's arm in the dark to pull him up and they continued their retreat.

In the beginning, when he and Longbottom were just starting out as aurors, the banal conversation Frank insisted on having at the most inappropriate times during a mission used to bother James no end. It was only later that he realised that it was just his friend's way of keeping his head in a crisis. In fact, that was how he ended up proposing to Alice.

"Why not?"

James' reply to Frank's most recent question was drowned out by the roar of the angry mountain trolls. "What?" Frank shouted again.

"It's complicated," James bellowed back. "I see the schloss!"

Indeed, they had come to the end of the wooded area and the pale colour of the stone was the only thing that caught the moonlight. Unfortunately, the Austrian castle-like structure was still nearly a mile away. Not only a mile, but half a mile over extremely uneven ground and everything beyond the tip of their lighted wands was lost in darkness. Now that they were out of the trees they had to extinguish their wands to run across the field; any advantage _lumos_ would have provided would have been negated immeasurably. They would be providing visibility for themselves, but also for their pursuers. Of course everyone knows that mountain trolls aren't the cleverest of beings, but even they could follow two wizards who are fool enough to put a spotlight on themselves.

The moonlight reflected brightly off a patch of snow, so they went wide to pass by it. The trouble was that they couldn't see anything until they came very close to it, but they were moving as quickly as they could so they weren't given much time to process the terrain. Even if they had been walking and could make out shapes their depth perception wouldn't have been worth anything, due to the shadows. Both men tripped several times.

"Shit!"

"What's wrong?" James asked, spinning around to find his friend.

"I just fell in it, that's all. Fresh too," Frank complained.

James was about to chuckle at his friend's expense but when he turned back around he ran smack into the cow itself. If the collision with the bovine hadn't knocked the wind out of him, the hard fall onto his back would have. And even if the swift meeting with the ground hadn't, the enormous hoof that trod squarely on his stomach _certainly_ would have got the job done.

Needless to say, the evening hadn't been going so well for James. The anti-apparition wards encompassing Fuschlsee and environs meant to protect muggle holidaymakers now protected the old group of notorious wizards it was originally meant to keep out.

At the meeting before this venture, it was thought odd that remnant parts of the old Grindlewald Youths (_if_ their source was correct and they even still existed) would choose such a muggle location. Even more odd, Gideon Prewitt remarked, was that there was absolutely no anti-muggle crime in the area. So could they really be in hiding there? Where else would they be better concealed but in a muggle location, and why would they draw attention to themselves by 'fouling in their own nest'? When discussing how to make the initial approach with Moody, Frank, Al, Gideon and the others, James had insisted that the initial scouting party take brooms, because they couldn't apparate, nor could they portkey, because they couldn't set one up without authorisation of the Austrian magical government. To James' unease, Moody had vetoed the proposal on the grounds that they were going in disguise as muggles, and brooms would only give them away or get in the way. James then suggested that brooms be kept at base, so as they could be summoned at need, which earned him a cuff from Alastor and an insult for being Quidditch obsessed, and that brooms weren't the answer to everything. James glowered, but quit pushing.

But being pursued by trolls and having been stepped on by a cow, and _still_ a half a mile away from the rest of the group, and even farther still from the end of the wards, James was sorely wishing he had gone against Moody's decision and brought a broom anyway. That would have made the getaway ever so much easier; free from diricrawls(?), trolls, and cows (thitherto the most dangerous of the lot, in James' opinion.)

Frank, smelling of fresh dung indeed, took one of James' arms, put it around his shoulder, and hoisted him off the ground and dragged him on. He wanted to tell him 'stop, for the love of Merlin, I can't breathe, let alone run!' But of course, he hadn't the breath for it. Well, he reasoned, better to die from lack of air than a crushing blow from the business end of a mountain troll's club.

How in Hufflepuff's name had they managed to train _mountain_ trolls to be so tenacious? He and Frank ought to have lost them long ago, yet somehow the great brutes continued to gain on them more than their longer strides could account for. And damned if that schloss looked as far away as ever, despite the ground they had covered!

"Damn Moody!" James growled as a troll-thrown boulder came dangerously close to hitting its target (meaning him.)

"Dunno 'bout you, but I'm feeling a bit more ungenerous to _those_ bastards," Frank opined. James couldn't see but he imagined that Longbottom had thrust a thumb in the general direction of their pursuers.

"If we had been allowed brooms we wouldn't be in this mess!" he complained.

They had passed the stretch of field and were descending again, down towards another wooded area, losing sight of the moonlit castle. At least the two men could move more quickly through the trees than could two trolls. Sure enough, the sound of those enormous thudding footfalls slowed as they reached what must have been the start of the forest. Again, they let out angry trollish roars, and James wondered if any muggles would have heard that. But worrying about muggles was the least of his problems...

In response to its friends' calls, an answering roar sounded from not 30 yards in front of them. 'Organisation among mountain trolls? Unheard of!' James' reason protested. Mountain trolls were too stupid for strategy and yet they seemed to be hunting with wolf-like organisation.

No. James was in denial. It must be a territorial thing, clearly the troll who inhabited this mountain was warning off the others he had heard approach. That must be it, he told himself. Still, that didn't change the fact that there were now three large murderous club wielding thugs after him.

Another roar.

Make that four.

"Damn it damn it damn it!" said Frank, beginning to turn around on the spot. "We're surrounded!"

"Calm down," James told him. Last thing he needed was for Frank to panic. James forgot to keep him thinking about something else. "Just calm down, there's only four of them."

"Only four!?"

"_Voice down!_" he whispered furiously. "_I don't think the other two know where we are._"

Wrong again. Merlin, what a terrible day this was turning out to be. Retreating wasn't an option, and moving forward was just as unappealing, so they both stood frozen where they were, wracking their brains for ideas on what to do next. James thought back furiously to his schooldays, the hours he spent in Hagrid's hut, listening to that half-giant recount how during his time at Hogwarts he had often sneaked out into the forest at night to wrestle trolls. Using magic directly against them was useless, they had hide almost as strong as giants'. Brute force was what one needed to best a troll, Hagrid had bragged. That put him and Frank at a slight disadvantage, being outnumbered as well as out-muscled. Well, at least their clubs weren't spell-proof.

"Frank, you try to disarm the two ahead. I'll take the two behind."

He tore off in the other direction, now running _towards_ what he had spent the last hour running _from_. He came upon them even sooner than he had expected. It was lucky trolls made such noise when they moved, because it was too dark to really see. Another advantage he assumed the trolls had over him was superior night vision, for they were nocturnal beasts and seemed to know well enough where he was, and therefore where to aim. James saw the club once it was lifted above the trees and caught the moonlight. No doubt the troll meant to bring it crashing down onto James' head, but what he brought down instead was a giant goose feather, thanks to James quick reaction time and masterful transfiguration skills. The downy plume did nothing but brush him softly, tickling; an effect, James was sure, quite dissimilar to what the troll had intended. Likewise disarming the other one still left him with two large problems, angry problems that could find other bludgeoning devices to wield if they took a moment to pick up something, anything, from the ground or trees nearby.

Diving into what looked like a bush but felt like a patch of briar thorns (because it was) he called "expecto patronum!" The stag charged out, galloping off in between the two trolls, back into the field and beyond. He exhaled in relief when he heard the two monstrous creatures follow after it. James willed his stag to lead them as far away as possible before it eventually faded. He had a bit of trouble extricating himself from the bramble and ended up tearing up his mugglewear nicely before he finally made it out and back to Frank.

His friend, unfortunately, wasn't faring as well.

"Did you miss me?" James asked as he skidded to a stop beside his friend.

"Oh yeah, been pining ever since you left," Frank replied with equal cheek as he dropped to the ground, pulling James down with him to avoid the tree branch swung in their direction. "And see? Our dear Miss Troll misses you too, now that her man's left."

"How can you tell it's female?" he asked, quickly rolling to one side as it tried to stomp them underfoot. He'd been stepped on quite enough for one evening, thank you.

"It's got the feminine temperament!" Frank called over to him. "See? She fancies you."

The proof being that it seemed to want to kill James only slightly more than it did Frank. It uprooted a nearby tree and hurled it in his direction. No amount of dodging would have saved him from that. All he could do was throw up the strongest shield charm he could muster to avoid the brunt of the blow. He had been thrown into a tree before, but not until now had a tree been thrown into him. Once again, he found himself on his back and his lungs devoid of oxygen. Then the great beast fumbled through the disaster of broken limbs (the tree's, not his, thankfully) and plucked him out to hold in its hand.

Despite the painful grip on his already sorely abused body, James forced himself to take in air. "Sorry...." he panted. "You're not my type," he said, gasping. "Prefer... redheads."

He heard a squishy THUNK and James slid from its grip. He didn't bother trying to manfully suppress the groan of pain (one might go so far as to call it a cry. _James_ wouldn't, of course, but _one_ might.) His ankle turned underneath him as he hit the ground. It seemed to him that he was spending much more time there than he usually did. He fumbled around trying get himself up, but he kept sliding on his hands and feet. The ground was suddenly slimy.

"Bout bloody time!" James yelled angrily at Frank.

"I think you hurt her feelings!"

"I'll hurt a damn sight more than your feelings if you do that again!" he threatened.

"I had you!" Frank defended. James hadn't been able to see, but now that he was no longer being squeezed to death he could infer what happened. The slime he had felt must have been the brute's blood, the THUNK had been the uprooted tree (through which he was currently crawling to get away) which Frank had used in attempt to cripple the beast. He couldn't even see his friend now, only hear his voice. "I couldn't see you so I went for the knees. You alright?"

He didn't reply. Determining that Frank was safely out of the way, James transformed the tree into a pointed battering ram, a simple bit of transfiguration seeing as he wasn't changing the material of the object, merely the shape, and magically hurtled the giant wooden spear into what he hoped was the troll's face.

It was sickening but satisfying to hear the sound of his success. The massive form thudded to the earth and didn't move again. With relief, James stopped moving as well and simply lay his head back down on the ground and breathed deeply, in an out, his eyelids wanting to shut, to seize upon this brief reprieve. Just a minute to breathe was all he wanted.

"James?"

A little growl rumbled in the back of his throat. "What Frank?" It came out wheezier than he had intended.

He heard his partner approach. "Are you injured?"

"Aren't you?"

"How bad?"

"Not too." Wandlight hit his closed eyelids uncomfortably and he turned his head to avoid the beam Frank had so rudely aimed at him. "Leave off," he told him crankily. The light went away but to James' irritation it was replaced by his partner's hands probing his body. "Leave off I said!"

"You're soaked. Where are you hurt?"

"I'm not," he said, sitting up regretfully. "That blood's not mine. Just a few bruises." Though he doubted his lungs would fill all the way again.

"Can you walk?"

"I'd rather fly," he said childishly. "But that's right, we can't."

"Can. You. Walk?" Frank repeated, clearly not impressed with his pouting.

"Won't know until I try."

Frank grabbed him at the elbow and hauled him up. His foot didn't want to cooperate, and his ankle protested painfully. He sat down and inspected it in the light Frank's wand provided. It was hideously swollen.

"Broken?"

"Don't think so," he said sincerely hoping it was true, trying to flex and point his foot with little success. "But it does seem to want to be uncooperative."

"Can you heal it? I can try, but I'm no..."

"I'll do it."

He thought back to Christmas day when he had watched Madame Pomfrey treat Lily's ankle for pain, swelling, and a hairline fracture. James didn't know if his was fractured or not, but the first two spells would certainly be welcome and the third could hardly do any harm. His healing was decidedly shoddier than Lily's and Madame Pomfrey's, but his attempt would have to suffice for the time.

"Well, at least we know they are here," Frank commented.

"Think we've lost the element of surprise, though. Should we hide the body? Might be a bit of a bother for the muggles to find it."

Transfiguring a dead body is easier than a live one, for some reason, and they managed to transform it into an unobtrusive bolder and went on their way.

"What about the other one?"

"Alive. No doubt will be back in hiding before daylight. Still, no need to linger here."

In case any foes were still lurking about, and it was decided that Frank would send his patronus on. The frog, (or a toad, James wasn't entirely sure which) was far less conspicuous than James' great silver stag.

x

Sirius returned to Hogwarts castle after leaving Remus at home. He entered by means of a secret passage that came out at the first floor, and continued the rest of the way to the classroom via normal corridors. Only the Bloody Baron passed him on his way, lifting his hat in acknowledgment; droplets of the liquid that no doubt gave merit to his sobriquet, dripped from it. Back in the office he uttered 'Godric's Pride' to the door, entered his best friend's room and sat on the bed. He loosened his cravat and leaned back, staring at the blur of dark draperies that hung over the four poster bed. He closed his eyes, hoping.

It was no use. He rose again and strode back into the office, sitting at the desk. He opened a drawer at random. It was just what he'd expect from Prongs. Like the rest of his office, it was well ordered, and completely boring. Parchment, syllabi, and timetables. The next drawer was much the same, no doubt he had all the interesting things safely hidden away like a good auror, save that chair. Its gold writing glittered even in the feeble candlelight. She wasn't even there and yet she was the only thing that gave the room warmth. How Prong's managed to get any work done at all in the tiny cold office he had no idea. He could see shelves and trunks in the place where the fireplace used to be. It had been filled in long ago. The bookshelf left much to be desired as well, he noted; his search for distracting reading material turning up pitiful results. He only found tomes on the Dark Arts, a subject which required no further study, nor would it improve his mood any.

Locking the office door behind him he set back out for the more promising bookshelves and comfortable surroundings. She looked up with a start when he came in, half buried as she was in parchment, books and various other objects. He was moderately surprised to see her still awake.

"I didn't mean to disturb you," he said politely. "In fact I thought you'd be in bed. I was just going to make use of your miniature library. The offerings of Prongs' office are woefully deficient."

"Did you keep Remus out this whole time?" she asked sternly, disapprobation having overcome her surprise.

"No, had him in bed hours ago."

"Oh," she said more pleasantly, then opened her hand towards the bookshelf. "Help yourself." Did it not occur to her that he might be lying through his teeth? He wasn't, not this time, but her trust in him was unnerving.

"Thank you," he said with a small bow, not knowing why he was bothering to stand on ceremony. As he perused the shelf he couldn't help but appreciate the fire, and the light and warmth it gave off. "This room really is much nicer than Prongs' office."

"You aren't the first to make that observation. But he does do most of his work in here, after office hours. He is required to be there at certain times so students can reach him, but outside that he usually keeps his stuff here... when he's around anyway. I had to pack up all his things and lock them away since he's gone," she said guardedly. She didn't want to show how worried she was, which was perfectly fine with Sirius. He didn't want to hear about it either. He changed the topic.

"Schoolwork?" he asked, indicating the fine pile of assorted documents, photographs, and odd articles.

"No," she answered. He hadn't really thought it was. "Something for Moody. And me," she added as an afterthought.

"Confidential?"

"No, I suppose not. These are Weyland's things. I'm going through them. Moody has it in his head that he was on You-Know-Who's side.

"Moody thinks that everyone save himself is on the wrong side." His tone was playful but there was a hint of honest accusation in it. Merlin knew he had received nothing but suspicious looks from the auror's one good eye since he joined the order.

Lily chuckled half-heartedly. "He's suspected me too. Mistrustful old sod." She fell into silence after she opened a leather bound volume and began reading. Plucking a book off the shelf without even checking the title, he sat went and sat down on the large comfortable couch. The fire and old parchment as she rifled through it crackled together in a pleasant sort of harmony. He didn't even feel the need to open the book now, the warmth of the room and having another waking person around him was enough. His eyes were drawn back to her when he heard a gentle splashing, the sound of tea being poured.

"Would you like some?" she asked.

"Thank you."

The pot leaned over another cup, emptying just the right amount before floating over to Sirius, the tiny saucer floating after trying to catch up. Sirius wondered how much tea the girl had consumed in order to keep herself awake for the second night in a row. He didn't ask her.

Another half hour passed before she broke the peaceful quietude.

"Mm, Sirius?" she asked, removing her thumb from her mouth. He noticed she held a knife in her other hand. "Can I borrow a bit of your blood?"

"Certainly, Cariad," he replied easily.

She began to take the parchment out of her lap, but stopped herself. "Woop," she said, healing her thumb so she wouldn't bleed on any more documents. She crawled over to where he sat, kneeling in front of him. He held out his hand unconcernedly and let her draw the knife across the pad of his thumb.

"What are you—" he started to ask, but stopped when she put her mouth around his bleeding digit, running her tongue along the cut and swallowing. Well that answered that question, she was tasting it. It was an odd sensation though, while the cut continued to throb, it didn't hurt. Odd a comparison as it might be, he couldn't help but think how dissimilar this felt. He had licked open wounds before as a dog, but this was a different sensation entirely. She brought the book back up to eye level, scanning the page as she continued sucking.

She eventually stopped. "Tastes exactly as mine does," she said with a sigh. "And not feeling cursed in the slightest," she added sarcastically, wandlessly and wordlessly healing his thumb before wiping it clean of her saliva with a handkerchief that used to be his. "Vampires clearly don't taste it the way we do. Perhaps they are describing the taste of life, not the blood. They just associate the two together because they can't separate them. Whereas we can't imbibe liquid life at all, so we get only the blood itself. So I guess there is no way for a human to know the flavour of a person's life. Not even their own," she said with a pout.

"Interesting," remarked Sirius, eyeing his thumb.

"I know from Weyland that people taste different. He even described my own lifeblood as hearty and full, but—"

"Curious," Sirius interrupted. "Perhaps it's just coincidence that that's the very same description Prongs chose for the taste of your magic..."

Lily's eyes widened, a hundred ideas clearly flashing through her eyes as she considered this and said excitedly, "Sirius I could kiss you!"

"Please don't," he replied languidly.

She did anyway and he wiped off his cheek as she sat back down amidst her clutter, using a muggle writing device to rapidly scribble notes.

"Of course it might be entirely a coincidence," she muttered to herself.

"It's possible." She seemed to have forgotten he was there in the few minutes she'd spent enthralled with this new idea. He rolled his eyes. The taste of his blood probably hadn't even fully left her tongue yet. Sometimes her mind was far too academic. She looked up at him, surprised, then narrowed her eyes.

"Why aren't you in bed?" she asked.

"Why aren't you?" he countered unoriginally.

"_I_ have work to do." She didn't need to add, '_unlike some people_.' It was plain enough in her tenor of voice and in the haughty lift of her eyebrows.

"Don't take that tone with me, it's not my fault you overwork yourself, in fact I rather think you enjoy it. It's not your concern if I don't."

"If you don't have to work then why not go to sleep?" she asked. Sirius fought the maniacal laughter which threatened to make another grisly appearance. He avoided answering.

"Am I to understand I'm not welcome?" he asked, knowing it would make her feel guilty.

"No!" she said immediately, then hastily added, "Stay. You can stay. Of course you are always welcome, Sirius. I was just concerned, that's all."

"Save your concern for Prongs," he told her, instantly wishing he hadn't. He'd put himself into a bad mood. Her shoulders slumped and she dropped her writing stick.

"Poppy?" she stated at random. Why she was enquiring about the healer he couldn't guess, unless it was something to do with what injuries James may or may not have been sustaining at that moment.

There was a crack and a house else stood in front of her, curtseying. "Yes Miss?"

"Could you make me another pot of tea, please?" she asked quietly.

"Of course, Miss. Master Potter has not returned?" asked the elf with concern.

"No," was the curt reply. Then came a sigh. "Not yet, Poppy. Not yet."

The elf nodded and disappeared returning a minute with another large and presumably full pot of tea.

"Thank you, Poppy. Sorry to keep bothering you like this."

"Not at all, Miss." The elf gave her the most un-elfish look of sympathetic understanding that it riled Sirius slightly. It riled him even more to see Lily smile sadly at it in appreciation.

"Oh go on, off with you!" he snarled at it. The elf spun around, wide eyed in fear, and upon seeing Sirius, vanished in instant obedience.

"Why did you do that?" she said angrily.

"It did what it had come to do. After that it was just loitering. A house elf should know better than to waste its master's time."

"Poppy is a friend and is to be treated with respect!" she fired back hotly.

"Friend? _Friend?_ House elves aren't meant for companionship, they are meant to serve."

Lily leaned back against the ottoman in exhaustion letting her eyes fall closed. "I don't want to argue, Sirius."

"Why not?" he asked, feeling suddenly quarrelsome. "You treat your house elves like friends the same way James treats his friends like house elves."

Lily covered her face with her hands and didn't answer, so he carried on unjustly, uncaring.

"Just like James. Goes off and leaves his unfinished business to me."

Lily sighed resignedly, as if she knew she wasn't going to escape an argument. "Like Defence Against the Dark Arts lessons and Agatha Argyle?"

This answer surprised Sirius, giving it a whole new aspect he'd never considered before. "Just so, Cariad. You can't imagine the number of times I've had to clean up the messes he's left behind." She pinched the bridge of her nose.

"I probably could," she said, fatigued. "And how did you 'clean up' the messes, Sirius. These women that came to you broken hearted. Did you comfort them with a pat on the head and tell them everything would be alright?" Even tired as she was she managed to speak with a commendable amount of sarcasm.

"Not quite," he said with wicked pride. "Nothing says comfort like--"

"A good prod with the old wand," she finished for him, unenthusiastically. "Remember when you came to our rescue in Dover?" Sirius didn't like where this was going.

"Why?"

"You offered me comfort whenever I was upset." She suddenly stopped this line and completely changed the topic. Or at least he hoped it was a complete change of topic. "Did you sleep with Agatha?"

Sirius exhaled through flared nostrils. "I've never slept with anyone he still cared for."

"You did, didn't you. I bet you slept with all of them. You let yourself be used."

"They let themselves be used," he corrected tersely.

"I don't doubt it. Tell me, does it bother you that you always come in second?"

"What?" Anger started coursing through him anew.

"You were complaining that you always clean up the messes. Does it bother you that you are just the substitute? The rebound? The consolation prize?" She took a sip of tea as casually as if she had just commented about the weather. He admitted to himself that he dragged her into this debate but he hadn't expected her to play that dirty. Well, now that the gloves were off...

He allowed himself a cool condescending laugh. "How would I know, Cariad. _You tell me._" His voice was low and dangerous. He was bluffing, of course, but he could tell by her reaction that it had hit home somehow. She deflated immediately.

"_Touché_, _Monsieur Pur,_" she said, bringing her face down to hide it in her arms. "What room does a _mudblood_ have to talk about anything, right?"

Sirius didn't reply. He hadn't meant it that way and he doubted that she honestly thought he'd make that sort of insinuation either. Just in case, he said, "Language."

She nodded tiredly and rose, heading in the direction of her bedroom.

"I thought you had work to do," he called after her.

The door slammed shut in response.

x

Lily emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet. She was so worried about James. He still wasn't back yet. And yet there was the small hope that Moody and the others hadn't reported back that he'd been killed. Unless they suffered from similar conditions.

She heaved again.

She knew Sirius was as worried as she; he just had the unfortunate habit of being extra irascible when he was. She knew him well enough by now to not take anything he said personally when he was in those moods. He was like Severus in that respect.

Again she vomited.

She really should go back to her work. She owed him that much. Poor Weyland. It hadn't even been two weeks since he was killed.

The retching was painful but a large warm hand rubbed her back in a soothing manner. She didn't cry. She simply shook, as it was impossible not to do after being so violently ill. Silent spells whooshed about her and Lily felt the familiar sensation of a fresh mouth, and the feeling of his cleansing magic sliding around her tongue elusively like water. She'd forgotten that's how he tasted. Two hands took her by the elbows and lifted her up and steered her out of the bathroom.

"Come now. Bed," he commanded as the sheets and blankets magically turned up, ready for an occupant to crawl in.

"But Weyland. My work..." she protested.

"It can wait."

She found that her body wasn't nearly as uncooperative as her mind and it betrayed her into retreating to the warmth of the covers. She wanted to apologise for the terrible things she'd said, but she knew that he would only take that as a sign that he should apologise too, and she wouldn't make him do that. Neither of them had the energy for needless apologies. Still, she felt she had to say something before he finished tucking her in and left.

"Thank you... for the blood," she whispered.

He smoothed her hair down and kissed the top of her head. "Anytime, Cariad," he whispered back.

x

The sun had already begun its ascent to illumine the sky by the time James and Frank returned to the rest of the party.

Suffice it to say that Moody was as happy to hear the report as James was to have been stepped on by a cow (which he conveniently forgot to include in his narrative.) The Head Auror made no disguise of his displeasure.

"You woke up the whole town with your getaway not to mention the Youths, and you accomplished nothing but revealing our presence!" he growled.

"If we had been allowed brooms we could have made a clean getaway the moment we knew that the—"

"One more word about broomsticks Potter and you're off the team," Moody barked irritably.

James knew it was an empty threat. Moody needed him. He and Frank were the most physically well trained members there, which is why they had been chosen as scouts. That and he and everyone else knew that he had been right about the brooms all along. He turned his back and rolled his eyes, a gesture Moody's 'mad eye' didn't miss. James didn't really care, over 70 percent of him was sore in one way or another and he had too little patience to give respect to a man who clearly gave him none. It was petulant of him, perhaps, but not nearly as petulant as Moody's next and far more efficacious threat.

"Or perhaps I should take Evans out of the trainee programme instead."

James slowly turned back around to face his boss and stared him down with the stoniest of expressions. That was just low, and he didn't doubt that Alastor would do it either. He played to win. But punishing someone completely innocent to coerce others to do what you want resembled the Dark Lord's tactics not the Order's...

"This is a tricky operation, Potter, there's no room for your ego."

James, unable to comment on the outrageous hypocrisy of the man, started grinding his teeth as he continued to listen. It took every ounce of willpower he had left. Lily wouldn't thank him for ruining her chances just because he couldn't swallow his pride, even if it was entirely Moody's fault. But he'd make sure to let her now what he suffered on her behalf; tell her what kind of a git she'd be working under when she joined. Perhaps earn some sympathy there. When they had returned Alice had instantly swooped in to tenderly see to Frank's injuries, which were minimal compared to his own. And yet there was no swooping for James, he thought miserably. If Lily had been there she would have swooped. He was imagining his return to the castle-- warm by the fire with a cup of hot chocolate, those skilled hands of hers massaging his head and everything that hurt-- when Moody's snarl interrupted his thoughts and brought him back to his singularly unhappy reality.

"I need unquestioned professional obedience, understand?"

James didn't, couldn't, unscrew his jaw to reply so he simply growled "Of course sir," through his clenched teeth.

x

Lily woke to the mewing 'crumb bum' of Jarvey and she rose to feed him. It was still dark, but she could tell dawn wasn't too far away. She was tired, Merlin was she tired. She even contemplated skipping lessons that morning so she could spend more quality time with her pillows, but decided against it. It was with regret that she put on her uniform, knowing that going back to bed now was unpractical, if not unappealing.

Sirius was lying on his back along the couch, one leg draped elegantly over the arm rest, one arm slung carelessly over his eyes. She could tell by the way he was breathing that he wasn't asleep.

Reasoning that her trip would be more expeditious without the jarvey, she placed it on the man's chest, where it immediately crawled into his robes. Sirius chuckled softly and said, eyes still hidden, "You aren't going anywhere dangerous, are you? I promised to keep you out of trouble."

"I'll be fine. Back in a bit," she promised.

Although she knew James preferred that she use the secret passages, they were time consuming, so Lily cantered to the Shrieking Shack instead. She immediately went to the upstairs bedroom, only to find it empty.

"Remus?" she called out.

No answer.

She went down the stairs again and checked the various sitting rooms. Not there either. Suddenly terrified she tried to think of a sensible course of action. It wasn't easy, panicked as she was, but she eventually sent an enquiring patronus to Aberforth. She knew the old wizard was probably asleep, and she hated to wake him, but there was no other choice. Later she would apologise and make amends.

The response was a simple bleated "No" from the goat, which was rather more polite than she had expected, but not at all the answer she had hoped for.

She sprinted back to the castle as fast as her four legs would carry her, and once she was inside, as fast as the two. She flung open the portrait hole.

"Sirius!" she gasped.

"Yes?" he asked casually, not even bothering to sit up.

"Remus is gone!"

"Calm yourself, Cariad. He's precisely where he ought to be."

"No he isn't! I've just been to the Shrieking Shack and he's not there!"

Sirius laughed openly at her distress, making Lily furious as well as frantic. "I'm desperately serious!" she cried angrily at him, tugging at his arm to make him get up.

He continued to chuckle as he said, "Moony's in London. Escorted him back to my flat personally." Seeing her face, Sirius started laughing again.

"You horrible brute! You might have told me that last night! Or before I left this morning!" she said, slapping his stomach.

"Careful, there's a jarvey in there..." His brows drew together and he began inspecting his own long body. "Somewhere."

"Why didn't you say where Remus was?" Lily persisted, still perturbed, one, because she had been made to worry, and two, that he was laughing at her about it.

"You didn't say anything about going to the Shack. How was I to know?"

"You knew bloody well that's where I was going. You kept it from me on purpose you great git."

"_Crumb bum!_" affirmed a tiny muffled voice from Sirius' robes. He twitched slightly and moved his midsection around, frowning. Lily suspected that Jarvey had bit him, and knew there was a reason she liked the young creature.

"Why would I do that?" he asked.

"Because you enjoy making a mess of me, I suppose."

"No, but James is right, your little temper tantrums do become you," he said with a smirk.

"Then you did it to punish me."

"Punish you for what?" he asked, not in genuine enquiry, but as a prompt for her to give an answer he already knew.

"For... for..." Overcome, she sank down into the seat and covered her face with her hands. She felt Sirius sit up and move beside her and muttered lowly.

"True, a vast variety of unpleasant things could have been avoided if one of us had thought to share."

Lily knew that while that did pertain to the current situation, that yes, she should have told him where she was going and he should have told her that Remus was in London, but that the heaviest of his meaning fell elsewhere.

"I wanted to tell you..." she sighed. "I did. But... but... it wasn't my place. I couldn't. It's not that I don't trust you." An arm snaked around her shoulders and squeezed. She relaxed into him, dropping her hands and letting her eyes drift shut. "I'm so tired; I just want all this to stop."

"But it won't until you make it."

"I know." She snuggled her face into his shoulder. "But for the next few minutes can't we pretend?" Pretend that James' life wasn't in questionable peril, that Remus was perfectly well and loved by a world which wasn't ripping itself apart. The Hospital Wing wouldn't be depleted and students wouldn't walk about the halls in pain. Weyland would still be on the evening broadcast, and Lily had no worries farther than her Head Girl duties. Perhaps there might even be a letter from Petunia waiting for her when she woke. Perhaps her parents would have sent something as well. And she would write and tell them that she and James were going to a Quidditch game on Saturday, and after that all about how nervous she was to meet James' mother for the first time, hoping that she made as good an impression as James had with them...

.

Lily awoke slowly to the nudging she felt in her side. "_Crumb bum?"_

"Shh... let her sleep," Sirius chided the jarvey gently.

Ah, of course she had been asleep, she thought bitterly to herself. She hated having dreams like that; she felt the painful loss when she awoke. As if she had grabbed a snatch of happiness, only to find out it wasn't real. One tear trickled down her cheek for those she'd just now lost all over again, and she fervently hoped James wouldn't be added to that list.

x

Sirius imagined that this was as close to rest as he would ever get and let out a long exhausted sigh. After he realised that she had fallen asleep he reclined as well and closed his eyes. If he were to pretend what would he see differently? No, better not go down that road. He'd settle for just one night of uninterrupted slumber. All the same, his body relaxed and the tension slowly ebbed away. He forced his mind away from everything but the fire, the couch on which he lay, and his blanket which took the form of a teenage red head sleeping on top of him. Perhaps he did drift off for a bit, he couldn't tell if he had been asleep or not, it's difficult to tell when the last thing you think before you doze is the also the first thing you think of when you awaken. It makes you wonder if anytime had passed at all. At least he hadn't dreamed. Or if he had it was of this very common room, exactly as it was. Nothing sinister, in any case. Nothing like...

Well he was awake now, and wouldn't be relaxing again anytime soon. He had let his mind wander _there_ again. His arms twitched with the suppressed attempt to shove her off him but she slept on, unperturbed. It just seemed so wrong, having her there, resting innocently and trustingly in his arms. If he were the other Sirius Black, she would be completely at his mercy, and that thought sickened him.

The jarvey nuzzled into his neck, distractingly, bringing the room and its veracity into sharper focus. He'd never done anything to actually hurt her. Not physically. She was safe around him; muggleborn or not, he meant her no harm. He'd never... well, not in waking reality...

This time she was the one to twitch. He checked to see if she had awoken, but she slept on. He rubbed his hand up and down her back, so as to keep him anchored in the real world. He was a member of the Order. James himself had left this girl in his protection, not something he would do lightly. He was on the good side, despite whatever he might have said or done the night before. He wasn't really a Black.

She hummed in her sleep, not a tune but just the shadow of a word or two. It sounded like she was agreeing to something. She mumbled more things; he caught snippets of real words that intrigued him. Jarvey, apparently thinking that she was awake and talking to him, went over to fulfil his end of the conversation.

"_Crumb bum._"

"Shh... let her sleep," he told it. He wanted to hear what else she would say but she stopped her mutterings. Was she crying in her sleep? It appeared so. He wiped it away with his own thumb to spare her the embarrassment of having to do it when she awoke. She gripped him tighter and he began to wonder whether she was truly asleep or not. Oh well, it made no difference, really. She could continue pretending if she liked. He had nothing better to do.

A quarter of an hour later, though, she did rouse. "Pleasant dream?" he asked.

"Wonderful," she replied softly.

"Then why do you look so glum?"

"Because it _was_ a dream," she answered with a sad smile.

x

Moody and James were the first to sense the approaching attack. He grabbed Alice Longbottom, who was standing next to him, and pulled her to the ground. A moment later the rest of the party fell, either because they too were ducking to get out of the way, or the ground shook them off balance, or they were hit with one of the many oncoming curses. "Y'okay Al?" he asked.

"Fine."

"Frank!" James called out.

"Here. Alice?"

"Fine!" she answered again.

That was his group accounted for. The three of them turned around to face the attack.

"Forward!" bellowed Moody, and like good little soldiers, they advanced.

Time passes oddly in battle, either hours go by too quickly to notice, or all the action seems to be crammed into one minute. James didn't know if it had been a minute or a day. What he was entirely certain of, however, was the exact location of his friends fighting around him, and exactly where the enemy stood in front. He also knew--before he blacked out-- that the fiery curse that whipped across his back with a cracking force had come from behind...

x

Lily was gratified that for Friday's class Sirius had decided to keep to the lesson plan she had provided. She'd been rather disgruntled that all of those hours she spent awake writing them out would have gone to waste. The notes had appeared on the blackboard and he was just starting the lecture when the classroom door flew open, hitting the wall with a forceful bang. Lily gasped, luckily everyone else did too.

_James_. He was there, alive. He strode into the classroom looking, well, like a muggle. Like a very _angry,_ ragged, unshaven, wand-wielding, muggle. Still, her relief was unadulterated. Whatever it was that made him so angry, whatever the latest tragedy could be, it was still going to be alright, because James was still alive.

He stomped into his office, slamming the door behind him. Lily had to firmly grab hold of her seat to keep herself from getting up and going after him. He appeared a moment later, still in his muggle clothes but with wizard's robes over one arm and his leather bag in his hand. It looked as if he intended to march right out of the room again but he stopped and addressed them all.

"Open your books! Chapter 18!" he commanded. The class instantly obeyed except for Lily, who was too dumbstruck with relief. "You will spend today's lesson reading on Belvedere's principle of curse deflection. Absolutely no talking or practicing. I want you to have the thing fucking memorised by Monday!"

That no-nonsense voice he used with the class was forceful, intense, demanding. He wasn't angry with his students but they could certainly feel the effects of his temper, it seemed to pulse from him in powerful waves. The way James spoke, the authority that resonated in his voice, reminded Lily of some of his rougher kisses. She was breathing rather quickly, but she stopped altogether when he pealed off his muggle shirt in front of all of them. "Else this happens," he explained.

No wonder he was in a bad mood, Lily thought. Angry red lines spread across the wide expanse of his back, speckled with the purple bruises. It took a moment for her to recognise those burns. That fiery rope that had once kept Lily bound at Dover now looked as if it had been used as a cat o' nine tails. Her chest began to hurt and she made herself breathe again.

The class remained silent. James turned around to continue his angry speech, revealing a bruise the size of a dinner plate on his stomach. Now that she was looking for injuries she could tell by his stance and the uneven way he paced that he must be sore elsewhere.

"If you are going to deflect a curse, make sure to aim it _away_ from your team-mates as well as yourself." The volume had lowered, but the anger hadn't. It was still there in that dangerously calm cadence.

So that's what happened, Lily thought, wondering who it was that had hit James in an effort to defend himself. She felt an unfamiliar surge of vindictiveness.

"So read now. Monday we practice. And we will continue to practice until you get it right."

He turned to Sirius. "Meeting tonight in Dumbledore's office. I'm going back to London."

"Not before you see Poppy, surely."

"Think, Padfoot. You've seen these before. How useful was Poppy then?" he hissed under his breath. Lily had told Madame Pomfrey how to heal them though. 'But Sirius doesn't know that,' she remembered. James is probably just using that ignorance to avoid going to the Hospital Wing. Why, she couldn't understand, those burns were unpleasant to bear and had the healer known how to at the time, she would have rather had Pomfrey take care of them immediately.

Sirius glanced at Lily, a quick calculating look. He seemed to ask, _'Can you?'_ with only a stare.

She nodded.

"Then why not have a quick healing demonstration for the class, hmm?" Sirius said loudly so the room could hear.

"Padfoot, I don't have time for--"

"Cariad, come here," Sirius interrupted. James fell silent.

She didn't know if she could handle this. She hadn't known Sirius had this in mind. She gripped her wand tightly as she rose. How was she supposed to not throw her arms around him? More importantly, how was she supposed to heal an injury that she shouldn't be able to heal? Pretend it was a regular burn? No, that wouldn't work; it required salves, which due to the potion's shortage they didn't have.

She tried not to look him in the eye.

"Erm... where should I start?" she asked nervously, aware she was under the scrutiny of all her classmates.

James didn't reply in words. He simply put his hands on the blackboard, supporting himself as he presented his back to her.

"_Should I do this aloud or silently?_" she asked so quietly only he could hear. In other words, do you want your students to know this under threat of others finding out, or not.

"_Silent_," was his barely audible reply.

x

She wasn't touching him but he could feel her right there behind him. Hear her carefully controlled breathing. Feel the tickling across his back as each of the nine lashes healed.

"There is quite a bit of bruising," she said aloud. "Cracked ribs?"

"Not sure," he lied. He knew he didn't have any, but his fib was rewarded. He closed his eyes focused solely on the feel of her hands softly roam over him feeling for any breaks, the tingly warmth of the healing charms on his bruises and the sound of her voice as she hummed while she worked. He tried to block out everything else. The class, his frustration, his fatigue. He let it go with a sigh and whispered gently, "_Oh how I've needed you_..."

There was an unsteady skip in her song, unrecognisable to anyone who didn't know the tune by heart. He felt her hand push into him with almost massage like pressure and chuckled as he felt a swirl of Lily tasting magic cleanse his mouth, making it feel full of her without it actually being so. It was the best either of them could do at this point, but resisting to simply turn around and envelop her in a hug was becoming more and more difficult.

"_Crumb bum!_"

James opened his eyes and turned to see the jarvey perched on his friend's shoulder.

"Still that's all you say?" he asked the creature as Lily readjusted his duel belt around his waist.

"_Crumb bum, crumb bum, crumb bum,"_ it said conversationally, slipping into the hood of Sirius' cloak.

James snorted, no longer feeling in danger tackling Lily (in a loving way of course) in front of the class. "I expected better of you, Sirius. I thought it'd be saying things like..." he stopped himself from giving specific examples in front of the class. The kids seemed to know he was about to let fly some colourful words and they all grinned at him. "Well, I thought it would have improved a bit more."

"He has improved; he just suffers from performance anxiety."

"I spend more time with it than you, and I've never heard anything new," Lily remarked as she rolled up a pant leg to inspect his ankle.

"You're a bad influence on him," Sirius said disapprovingly to her. "How is he supposed to learn with all your cooing." Sirius turned to face him. "She's unfit to be charge of him, Prongs."

"Not my affair," James commented. "What are you doing?" he asked Lily.

"Fixing your ankle."

"How do you know there's anything wrong with it?"

"You were limping."

"I was not!" He had made a considerable effort _not_ to. "Padfoot, was I limping?"

"Not that I noticed," he answered, which was Sirius' way of covering for him. Through their school days and beyond Sirius was a selective observer. It made cover stories more convenient. That and his hedgy answers always infuriated their professors.

Pulling his robes on over his head, he made sure his invisibility cloak was still tucked away safely. "You lot!" he shouted at the class, who had been momentarily distracted by the humorous interlude. "Chapter 18! Me-mo-rise it!" He turned to Sirius, and giving him a pat on the shoulder said quietly, "Make her recite the principle and then excuse her."

And with that he left the room. _Sans_ limp.

x

"Alright you heard the man, books out to chapter 18. No talking."

Lily headed back to her seat, elated that James was back, but disappointed that once again, the time she spent coming up with her lesson plan was wasted. Not only that, but she had already read chapter 18.

"Cariad, you look bored," Sirius commented. "Tell you what, if you can recite Belvedere's principle of curse deflection you can leave."

Surprised but more than willing, Lily dutifully listed off the five main points with relative ease. Sirius grinned knowingly at her for some reason and said, "You may be excused."

Lily, grinning as well, grabbed her bag and made for the door. Sirius gave her behind a loving swat and as she closed the classroom door behind her she heard him say, "And so I'm not justly accused of nepotism, anyone else who thinks..."

His voice died away and Lily continued down the corridor, unable to stop smiling. She wanted to celebrate. She might go down to the kitchens and have some cake with Poppy. She'd just done a happy little twirl in the middle of the hallway when she hit something solid, and was wrapped up in a warm invisible hug. It was wonderful, she didn't care that it was so tight she couldn't breathe.

"I want to see you," she told him and a moment later she joined him under the cloak...

It was a loving frenzy of a reunion, but it was interrupted all too soon by the door nearest them opening. Two Ravenclaw girls walked out of the classroom looking pleased with themselves. Unable to control their gasping for air he cast a silencing charm about them.

"Ruddy Ravenclaws, ruining ev--"

"Shhh!"

"They can't hear."

"Still..."

He growled and they both remained motionless until the pair disappeared down the stairs. He picked up exactly where he left off, as if there had been no interruption.

.

"Mmm—wa- why are you stopping?" she asked a time later.

"Moody," he replied hoarsely.

"What?"

"I have to go." He paused for breath. "Back to London."

"Prefer hobbling, craggy faced older men?"

"Believe me when I say that you are infinitely better company than Moody but..._ ugh that feels good_."

"Then stay," she purred.

"You are actually asking me to put you before work?" The look on his face was amused, but worryingly close to being convinced of the scheme.

She stopped and sighed, leaning her forehead against his shoulder. "No... but I have nothing against your putting _yourself _before work every once in a while..."

He nuzzled his face against hers, like one affectionate deer to another. "_Tonight_," he promised.

"I'll be in the dungeons until late," she told him.

"Dungeons?"

"I'm the Potion Master's apprentice... unofficially. I'm afraid I'll be spending a lot more time there from now on."

"Hmph..." James pressed himself against her more closely, but left his displeasure unvoiced. "You'll miss the order meeting."

"You can tell me what happens tomorrow."

"No. Tomorrow is Saturday and I refuse, _**refuse,**_" he repeated to emphasise the point, "to do anything work related. Moody has _graciously_ given me time off Saturday to 'recover,' which works out because of Quidditch. But I have to go back to work this afternoon. He only sent me back here to have Poppy sort me out so I could function well enough to last the rest of the day."

"That makes no sense. Shouldn't you recover today and return to work tomorrow?"

"You'd think. If an employee is injured, it is required by Ministry regulation to give time off, but _when_ that time will be is up to him. Fascinatingly illogical, but the rules don't specify. Only Moody would think to bend them that way. And since this was below the tables to begin with, seeing as it was just as much for the order as it was for the ministry, if not more so, can't exactly go against him lest I run the risk of... well, never mind. Suffice it to say that Moody's a bastard."

"You don't seem best pleased with your boss at present," she commented. James didn't reply at first, he simply looked at her, his glance darting about her face.

"Well," he said bringing his mouth to her ear to mumble into it. "Be that as it may... _Tomorrow. Tomorrow you're all mine_."

Lily shivered. "Mmm... promise?"

He chuckled and nibbled her neck. "It's not a promise, it's a fact."

Apparently they had been in the corridor longer than either realised, for the scraping of chairs and rumble of voices heralded the end of the lesson inside. He quickly gave her a peck and whooshed away, leaving Lily fully visible in the corridor feeling suddenly rather naked. She quickly arranged herself. Hoping her face wasn't too flushed and that her robes were in order, she tried to act as if she had come back on purpose, rather than was too distracted to ever leave.

"What are you doing here?" Roo asked upon seeing her. "I thought you'd be... erm... doing something else."

_I _wish_ I were doing something else. _"I came back to collect Jarvey," she told him, moving aside so that their classmates could get by.

"Coming to lunch?" he asked.

"Join me in the kitchens," she offered.

Roo shrugged. "Might as well. Going to Potions this afternoon?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't I?"

"I don't know," he said shiftily. "You just look a bit preoccupied."

She pretended not to hear this as she stuck her head into the classroom to call to Sirius. He was putting the parchment into a stack and wiping the blackboard clean.

"Lunch in the kitchens, Sirius?"

"Sounds lovely."

"You didn't say he'd be coming," Roo complained, scrunching up his face.

Sirius strode out a moment later and upon seeing Rupert, said in the _exact_ same tone of voice, "You didn't say _he'd_ be coming."

Lily found their mutual animosity amusing, mainly because she knew that it was born out of stubborn refusal to admit they actually liked each other.

When the trio entered the kitchens she immediately scanned the room for her favourite elf. "Poppy!" she said happily once she spotted her.

"Can I get Miss anything?" she asked, ears twitching in excitement at seeing Lily so pleased. Surely the elf understood the reason for the girl's delight.

"No, nothing I'm fine, but I have excellent news—"

"She'll have whatever you're serving for lunch," Sirius interrupted brusquely. "As will we. Be quick about it."

She curtseyed and was off in a moment.

"Why do you do that?" she asked, annoyed.

"Why do you waste time conversing with a house elf when you have two..." He looked at Rupert askance, then revised his statement. "_One_ perfectly capable wizard right here to talk to."

"Oi!"

"I owe Poppy a great deal. She's been an absolute brick." She lowered her voice, ashamed of what she was about to say. "_Pick on any other house elf you like but leave my Poppy alone."_Sirius snorted and rolled his eyes, but agreed. "Fine, I see there is no point in reasoning with you."

"Is fighting all you ever do when you're not in public?" Rupert asked audaciously.

Lily looked down at her feet, embarrassed, then up as Sirius shyly. "We do fight a lot, don't we?"

"Argue, Cariad, we argue. We've been arguing ever since we met. I don't see any reason it should only now start to bother you."

"I only just now noticed."

"Oh, well done Ferris," he told the boy. "You've ruined her."

"I'm not ruined!"

"He has. Pointed out one of your best characteristics and made you think it's a flaw and now you'll try to 'fix' it." He favoured Rupert with an admonishing glare. "There'll be no living with her after this."

Rupert, poor boy, just stood there looking between the pair, confused. Finally deciding to sidestep the subject all together he asked, "How did you heal those burns completely without the use of a salve?"

x

Roo had thought this boring question would start Lily on a lecture and put both her and Black more at ease. Instead they both inexplicably froze, as if he had asked something deeply embarrassing or taboo.

The older man crossed his arms in front of his chest and began grinding his teeth. "Yes, I admit I wondered that as well."

Lily didn't say anything and Black began to laugh. A harsh mocking laugh that made Lily flinch. "And here I was, fool that I am, thinking that they had just faded away with time. Dark curses can be like that, you know. No counter-curse, just make the inflicted suffer it out indefinitely. To think I pitied you."

Roo was thoroughly perplexed now. He had asked about Professor Potter's injuries, and yet he spoke as if... "Lils?" he asked tentatively. "Is there something you're not telling me?"

This caused Black to laugh cruelly again. "You can count on that, Ferris."

"Sirius, you really don't want to know."

"Oh but I do. And darling Rupert does to, don't you Ferris?"

Roo nodded in reluctant agreement.

"Well... I... I mean..."

"I'll start the story and you can fill in the blanks," Black began. "Once upon a time there was a girl named Lily Evans. One day, she went to Dover with James Potter and Sirius Black for some follow up. She was separated from the others, imprisoned by Death-Eaters, unconscious and bound by ropes of magical fire."

Rupert, seeing Lily blanch began to feel a bit awkward himself, something Sirius Black didn't seem capable of. "Erm, actually perhaps another time would be better..." he began.

"No!" Black interrupted angrily. "This is where it gets good. Sirius and James find the girl..." He paused meaningfully and gave Lily a look. No doubt there was more to the story than even he was willing to tell. "And take her back to Hogwarts for healing to find that she has passed out and, once again, won't rouse no matter what we tried. Then, after Pomfrey had declared the burns un-healable, the young girl bursts out into an incessant banshee like screaming and doesn't stop... _for hours._ Not knowing if was because she was in pain or because the Dark Lord had addled her mind, the others had no choice but to wait and see if she ever came out of it. Eventually her throat seized up and finally she fell quiet."

"Then what?" Rupert heard someone ask, the voice sounded strangely like his own.

"Yes, then what?" Sirius echoed, turning an almost predatory look upon Lily.

The girl sighed, then brought those intensely green eyes to meet his own. Roo wanted to say something but found his throat strangely uncooperative.

"I suppose you think I ought to have told you before. Truth is I wanted to spare you."

He hoped she understood his throat clearing gurgle to mean 'You can tell me anything, don't hold back on my account.'

"And myself, I suppose," she continued. "But now we've gone this far no reason not to finish it. Days later the burns hadn't improved, but I received an anonymous owl." She looked to Sirius. "It attacked anyone who wasn't me, so I took the letter from it. On the scrap of parchment were two words. Turned out to be the counter-curse."

Well, there was only one person Rupert could think of that would know something like that who would share that information with Lily. "Prince?" he asked.

She nodded.

"Prince?" Black spat. "Merlin and Morgana! How many dark wizards are infatuated with you!" Rupert had never seen the man more furious. He was acting more betrayed than a jilted lover would.

"There's more than one?" Roo asked.

"No!" Lily cried. "Not _even_ one," she corrected. "Severus just--"

"_Severus,_" Sirius spat mockingly. "Dear _Severus_ bailed you out again, did he?" The normally beautiful features were contorted with disgust.

"Yes," Lily said firmly. "I didn't ask for his help, the owl just arrived one day and that's all it said. You were there."

"And you were practically pirouetting with pleasure when you came back," he accused.

"Only because those excruciating burns were gone!" she insisted.

"James knew it was from him. I didn't want to believe it."

"I know, we talked about it later that night."

"Nobody fucking tells me anything!" he bellowed.

"Why should we if you are going to behave like this!" she shouted back.

Rupert, completely cowed, slowly backed out of the kitchens, unnoticed by even the house elves.

x

James' Lily-induced good mood was unfortunately short lived. He hadn't been back in London for a quarter of an hour before he was just as miserable as he had been back in Salzburg. Although he could appreciate the now absence of pain (for the most part) his situation had barely improved. He and Alastor Moody growled at each other whenever they spoke. James found himself completely incapable of being civil to his boss. Actually, he wasn't entirely sure his anger was exclusively against Moody. He felt rather resentful to law enforcement in general, including himself. The ceremonies for Benjy Fenwick and the other aurors lost at the Mungo's Massacre had been a shoddy affair, inadequate for the wizards and witches who laid down their lives. It had been all one ceremony, and all had been buried together, except for Benjy who didn't have enough of a body to bury.

James brought his fist down hard onto his desk, rubbing his eyes with his other hand. Merlin he hadn't slept since he left Hogwarts a few days ago. Perhaps that was the real reason for his unpleasantness. He growled unhappily and someone tried to tidy his hair.

"Cuppa?"

"Thanks Al. Don't even try, it's too filthy to tame."

"I like it messy," she stated. James took the cup she set down on his desk and began to sip it. Three sugars, just how he liked it. "How are you holding up?"

"Not well," he admitted. "Completely knackered. Can't keep my eyes in focus."

"Caffeine and sugar," Alice insisted. "The Muggle pick me up."

"You know we're in trouble when we resort to muggle techniques."

Alice put a hand on his back consolingly, then removed it quickly. "I'm sorry, I should have asked. Madame Pomfrey sort you out?"

"I'm alright. Wouldn't be here otherwise."

Alice smirked. "Yes you would."

James chuckled. "You're probably right."

"Frank and I thought you'd be gone longer. I'd have taken my time if it were me."

"The thought _did_ occur to me." James grinned at the half hour he spent with Lily in the corridor.

"Might have at least grabbed an hour or two of sleep. You look like you need it."

"So does everyone else here, Al. I'm not special. We are all overworked."

Alice lowered her voice. "Dunno about that. Moody seems to be driving you the hardest. What's with you two lately? Have you done something?"

"Oh, I suppose there have been a few things... Mungo's, our failure in Salzburg, my giving out to him about those bloody brooms, I suppose that row about Azkaban a few days back would have been the start of it."

"Azkaban?"

"He wanted Lily to go, I didn't. He said that I'm not as 'dedicated' as I used to be."

"Oh he gave me and Frank the same speech a few years ago just before we got married. And to Ag--" she stopped herself but not in time. She looked a bit guilty. James looked across the room. Agatha was sitting at her desk going over a report. She hadn't heard anything. Alice must have been of the same mind because she too looked to see if they would be overheard.

"Go on," he said, more quietly.

"Well, he gave the same speech to Agatha back in the day. He says love keeps people from doing their job the way it ought to be done. I suppose he's just bitter he's lost you as well. He'll get over it."

He snorted, flipping several sheets of parchment over, seeing that the backs were thankfully blank, before flipping them face up again. Then he chuckled. "I suppose that's as close as Moody will come to jealousy."

"But you're not helping you know, talking back like that."

"It's not my fault he can't accept it gracefully when he's wrong."

"He knew he was wrong, you didn't have to go on about it."

"Hmph."

"Longbottom!" Both Alice and Frank across the room looked up at Moody's address, but the Head Auror seemed intent on the male of the pair.

"I should probably get back to work anyway," she said, seeing her husband disappear into the older man's office.

"Right. Thanks for the," he lifted the cup, almost as if he were toasting her. She nodded and went back to her desk, occasionally looking over her work to smile at him. He'd always grinned back. It was sweet of her, continually trying to cheer him up throughout the day. He was about to toss a bit of parchment in the bin after he'd spilt ink on it, but transfigured it into a flower instead. He tossed his creation on Al's desk as he passed by to take his break.

James suddenly realised that he'd never given Lily flowers. Now that he thought about it, there was an embarrassing amount of things he and Lily had never done, mostly because they were at the disadvantage of having to carry on in the castle under the noses of a thousand unquestionably disapproving people. They'd never even been on a date. James laughed inwardly at this. In fact, he was so busy laughing he nearly ran into one of his co-workers.

"Sorry," he said, still chuckling to himself.

"I can't believe you." The voice was low and angry.

"What?" he asked Agatha.

"She's _married!_" she whispered furiously.

"Who?" James asked, genuinely confused.

"Don't play dumb, James, that act won't work, you aren't in school anymore. First your student and now Alice? I don't know what's got into you!"

Realising what she was getting at, James rolled his eyes and went passed her. He only had half an hour for break and he'd need every minute of it.

"Don't just walk away from me, James Potter!"

Growling he turned to face her. "I'm busy, Argyle."

"Yes, I can see that. You're quite the busy boy," she said pointedly.

"Not that it's any of your business, but Alice and I are just friends. Now will you get out of my way?"

"Just friends? Is that how you treat your friends, James?"

"Yes, why wouldn't I? Don't answer that, I don't have time to stand here and listen to your answer."

"I don't buy that James Potter. You were a _lad_ in school and you're being a _lad_ now. You were probably one when we were together."

"Yes, alright, I'm a horrible person and I'm probably sleeping with any woman you see smiling at me. Happy?"

"Of course not!"

This was getting rather tiresome. And it was clear that his current attempts were getting him no where so he changed tactics. "_Aggie_..." he said in his most charmingly wounded voice with a smile to match; the typical Marauders approach to guilting women into something. "Now I know you don't think that little of me." James knew how to placate this woman. Any woman really. He spoke softly, understandingly. "You _know_ me. Probably better than most people so I know you don't _actually_ think I'd do such a thing. Something else is bothering you and we will talk about it when I get back, alright?"

He smiled his most heart breaking smile and squeezed her shoulder meaningfully. Seeing she was momentarily dazzled, he made his escape hoping that he would be able to avoid the conversation he just promised to have.

"_Witches_," he said disapprovingly as he flooed to Sirius' flat.

"Prongs," Remus greeted, sounding as surprised as James felt.

"Moony! What are you doing here? Thought you moved out."

"One might say I was evicted."

"Oh, sorry mate."

"Such is life."

"Glad you're back though," he said shrugging off his cloak. He wasn't surprised Remus lost his job. James had been expecting it. There was no need for condolences or long talks. They wouldn't help the situation and only make Remus feel worse. So the subject was dropped, never to be picked up again.

"What are you doing here?"

"Came to check on the potion," James answered.

"Ah right. Bit strange, brewing at a time like this."

"You mean during the recession?"

"Yeah."

"Well we started it weeks ago, before it all happened. The ingredients are ruined for anything but this, so might as well go through with it, eh?"

"I wonder what Lily would say," said Remus pensively.

"She'd collapse from envy and outrage I expect."

"Why not just tell her about it and let her do the brewing. She'd love it."

"And ruin the surprise? Certainly not. And besides, she might refuse to, seeing as it's... erm." James cleared his throat awkwardly.

"No telling if she'd be utterly appalled or completely complicit."

"She's not very consistent, true enough. One day she might be straight laced Evans, upholder of rules, and the next she's even more recalcitrant than Sirius."

Remus shuddered. "Certainly keeps you on your toes though."

James couldn't help but grin. "That she does, Moony. That she does. Coming down?"

He shrugged. "Why not?"

.

"Smells divine," commented Remus, holding his nose in disgust.

"It looks even more appetizing," James promised light heartedly.

The two men stood over the cauldron, peering down at its gelatinous contents.

"And you are actually going to drink that?"

"Not for another two weeks, when I expect it will get even ghastlier," he said emptying the contents of a packet he and Sirius had already prepared for this step.

"Something to look forward to," Remus joked.

"Indeed, think you can mind it the next few days? The book is over there."

Remus ambled over to the volume his friend had indicated. He glanced at the page it was open to before closing it to inspect the cover.

"Where did you get this?"

"Sirius."

"Ah. No I don't expect you'd bother yourself with Knockturn Alley when the Black Family library is probably better stocked. What did you do to make him go back there to get it?"

"He didn't. He apparated me to the door, but he stood out in the street while I went inside to search for it. I was horribly abused by the house elf too. Nasty little brute, he was."

"I've never been to Grimmauld."

"Neither had I before that." James looked at his watch. "Actually I'm just on my break right now, can't stay. Still on for Quidditch tomorrow?"

"No, I'm afraid I'm quite busy. I have lots of loafing to do, not sure I can make time for actual activity."

James grinned and punched his friend in the arm. "See you."

.

He returned to the ministry, quickly darting into the nearest toilet to put on the cloak. He couldn't wear it entering the building; that would set of the concealment detectors. Once invisible he made for the exit but was impeded by a portly fellow intent on using the very cubicle James had chosen for his changing room. Finding himself alone with a wizard with apparent digestive failings, James was torn between disgust and amusement at the utter improbability of it all. Thinking he had no choice but to close his eyes (and hold his nose) and wait for it to be over and the wizard to finish, James stood there, trying to think of being anywhere but his current location.

If he didn't get out of there soon something was going to spew out of his mouth, be it vomit or bursts of uproarious laughter. He couldn't tell which at this point. Throwing caution to the (unbearably malodorous) wind, he vanished the door to the cubicle and ran out of the toilet laughing as he had when he'd pulled the same stunt on Samuel Stebbins in his third year. The man's angry bellows in the present matched those of the boy at Hogwarts, in spirit if not in pitch.

Because he was under the cloak he didn't dare take the lifts, too easy to be run into. Not that he would have taken them anyway, he had little patience with the owls used for in-house memos.

The laughter of his toilet escapade had been completely forgotten as his mind focussed on the task at hand. He glanced at his watch. He didn't have much time. (Angry as Moody was with him, the wizard would probably let slide his tardiness if he explained why, but James wasn't inclined to do that.)

He controlled his breathing, knowing from past tests that the _**Research Room**_ was designed to detect any magic performed there. He couldn't do a simple silencing charm without alerting them to his presence. Annoying, how thorough they were about security. He grudgingly admired all of their precautions, even though it did make things rather more difficult for him and Lily to get that blasted map out of their possession. They had been puzzling over that for ages, it seemed. Magical detection wards would give away any trace. James felt only a slight satisfaction that his cloak was undetectable. Frustratingly as always, the door was shut. It would take another two minutes to open it at the painstaking pace that was required to enter unnoticed. As he was going about this business he wondered what would happen if he just knocked. Would they be allowed to leave their posts? Tear their eyes away from the maps long enough to answer the door? It was an interesting question, but he couldn't experiment now. He'd have to get someone else to do it, someone who had a right to be there. That would take some time. He continued turning the knob with aching deliberation as he ran down the list of people whom he might be able to trust for this small favour. Or he might just stand out here invisible one day waiting for someone to come of their own accord. But would that ever happen? Did people ever need to enter the _**Research Room**_?

Today he'd only come to count heads again. See if there was any change in the staff. He heard the door finally make that tiny _click_, signalling that he could now proceed. He eased the door open as slightly as possible, squeezing through. Treading carefully he made mental note of their numbers. No change. All the same men, all the same places. He inspected their faces. '_Still imperiused as well,_' he observed grimly. The only person who ever seemed to have his wits (and will) about him was the supervisor, who wasn't there at present. He glanced at his watch again to mark the time exactly. Was this an anomaly or a pattern? He'd come back tomorrow and... no... not tomorrow, Sunday and Monday to check this development. He felt guilty, asking Sirius to take over his third years on Monday afternoon. He already asked so much of his friend and despite the fact that he gave him little notice, he always agreed, granted it was grudgingly and not without colourful complaint, but he always agreed.

Calculatingly avoiding Agatha Argyle as he returned to where he belonged, his own department, James sat at his desk and removed the notebook from the inner pocket of his robes to add a few new observations. He pored over their previous notes, both in his own handwriting and in hers, grinning as he glanced over a scandalous sonnet he'd written just before the winter holidays had ended.

Luckily Lily had charmed the notebook so that only they could read it, otherwise he would have had to find a more private place for his perusal. Instead he could confidently ignore the witches and wizards that would occasionally pass by, without worrying about them looking over his shoulder. Yes, they were mostly aurors there, but even they might not approve of spying within the Ministry itself. That was Order business. More specifically, it was his and Lily's business. Their project.

His mood, not high to begin with, continued to fall with the sun. 'Not even the real sun,' he reminded himself. The sun wasn't out today but that didn't stop the false windows showing the appearance of it. It was getting later and later. James wondered if he would get to leave before the Order meeting. It looked doubtful. There never seemed to be an end to the reports of attacks. Too many to investigate. James felt like a consummate cad for having to sort through them to decide which death or better merited scrutiny. As he continued to read the reports, if he found a trend or pattern between one and another, he'd put it away for future enquiry. Random attacks were impossible to predict and prevent. If there was a chance, a clue to find some sort of link, some way to thwart some future calamity, they would. The numbers were staggering. He couldn't even keep count of the reports he'd read through that day, let alone that month. They were understaffed, '_and whose fault is that, you good for nothing_' so James had to spend extra time to make up for it. But he could just as easily (if not much more easily) do this work elsewhere. He needn't be at _this_ desk. If he had to work into the night, he'd prefer to do it in the warmth of Lily's room. He promised himself he wouldn't get distracted by her, not even if she curled up next to him on the couch by the fire. Not even if she rubbed his neck, head, and shoulders. Not even if she began to slowly nibble on his ear, neck...

He realised he had stopped working and had closed his eyes to better enjoy the fantasy. Well, if he couldn't even resist her when she was hundreds of miles away, he doubted he would have much more success with her in the room. He groaned and focused his aching eyes on the report he'd been working on.

"You look dead on your feet," Frank commented.

"I'm sitting," James retorted, rubbing his eyes in hopes that it would keep them open.

"Dead on your arse just doesn't have the same ring," he joked. James chuckled back.

"Too true. What time is it?"

"Best not ask, it would only depress you."

"That bad?" The only good thing that came of working late was that he'd been able to get out of patrol duty in the castle. Less Dippet could be considered a good thing, but under the circumstances she was the lesser of two, not evils, but annoyances.

Frank smiled at him sadly. "At least you have the day off tomorrow." This statement contained as much envy as it did good cheer. "Doing anything to 'recuperate'?"

"Wasps versus the Harpies."

Franks expression looked utterly pained. He swallowed bravely and tried to speak without whining. "I wish I could go. Supposed to be an absolute lethal match." Poor Frank, James hadn't meant to taunt him. He should have kept his mouth shut. The man loved Quidditch almost as much as he did. They'd been chasers together in school. He quickly tried to distract his friend from a subject that clearly pained him.

"Agatha thinks I'm after your wife, by the way. So whenever you get the chance, you might want to look as if you hate me."

Frank threw back his head and let out a burst of laughter that was so unusual to hear on this floor. It caused several heads to look up curiously, almost hungrily, wishing they had been in on it. Alice, seeing her two favourite men smiling, came over curiously, smiling as well.

"Alice, did you know that you and James are having an affair?" he asked, still enjoying it.

"I had my suspicions," she admitted, grinning mischievously. "What gave it away?"

"The tea. People just don't give other people tea unless they're sleeping together. We were just too reckless, Al."

"Don't forget the flower," Frank reminded them.

"Ah yes." He had actually forgotten that. It had been such a simple, thoughtless gesture. Something to do with a bit of ruined bit of parchment. James always had liked Transfiguration best. "No hard feelings, right mate?"

"I'll forgive you once you've given me a play by play account of the match."

Both men's eyes lit up with the joy that was Quidditch. "Deal," he agreed. "I'd hate to dig into your off time; I know you don't come in on Sunday." He directed this comment more at Alice than at Frank. He'd heard Al complain more than once how little alone time she got to spend with her husband. Frank seemed to know it wasn't up to him either and both men looked to her pleadingly.

She smiled and squeezed her husband's hand. "An hour or two in the Hogshead would be nice," she said, sounding genuinely pleased at the idea for some reason. He knew Alice wasn't an overzealous Quidditch fan, he doubted she would get much enjoyment from it. Unless she was being completely selfless and just wanting Frank to be happy. That wouldn't surprise him. She seemed to understand James' concern. "You could bring Lily," she said, as if that had been what she meant to say all along. The warmth and hope in her voice as she made this suggestion made James so content. Alice adored Lily, which made James like Alice even more. He'd imagined the two women would become good friends, working closely together as they soon would be. He liked the idea of having Alice there to counterbalance any unpleasantness that Agatha might produce. For once Lily was working there he didn't plan on keeping it a secret anymore.

He shook his head, slightly embarrassed he'd allow himself to consider such things so far off and irrelevant to work.

"If I can tear her away from her work," he said with a grin.

"She's as bad you?" Frank asked.

"Worse," James corrected, amusement and complaint ill concealed in his voice.

.

It was even later when he returned to the castle with the others. When they entered the main doors James lied, saying he needed to use the toilet to let them go ahead while he stole into the Head Girl's room. It was after curfew and no one was out, so he didn't bother with the cloak. 'Just to let her know I'm back' he told himself. He whispered the password and entered the portrait hole to see Lily reading a massive book on the couch, with and even more massive black dog lying next to her, its head in her lap as she stroked it lazily whilst it slept. She must have sensed him there for she looked up and smiled. She leaned her head so that he could more easily kiss her when he swooped down on her.

"How are you?" she asked, and he was almost certain she was talking about physical injuries.

"No pain," he said giving her a grateful smile.

She reached up and caressed under his eyes with her thumbs. "I wish you'd rest," she whispered.

He decided that it would be pointless to say that _he_ wished it more than _she_ did, so he shrugged. "Just the one more meeting for today."

"How long do you think it will be?"

"No telling. If you finish with the Slug- erm, with your _master_--" The word felt slimy as it passed his lips. "early enough it might still be going on."

"You'll come back here when it's over?"

"Mmhmm." He nuzzled his face into her hair. He knew that she had actually been asking where they'd be sleeping, in his rooms or hers. Merlin he could fall asleep right there. Curl up like Sirius and just pass out. Good thing he was standing on his feet, if he were sitting, or worse, lying down, he never would have found the willpower to get up again. He straightened reluctantly and reached over to give Sirius a good hearty scratch behind the ears.

"Come on, mate. It's go time."

The dog stirred, but didn't seem to wake.

"Sirius," he said threateningly. He felt like he was in school again, going through the morning ritual of getting Sirius out of bed. The dog whined, and tried to burrow his nose beneath Lily's legs, as if that would hide him.

"Poor boy," Lily crooned, stroking him again. His ears relaxed.

"Sirius!" James called sharply, no doubt an affront on the canine's ears. By the way Lily recoiled it hadn't been all that pleasant for her either. "Sorry," he said, putting a hand on the crown of her head.

"I have to go as well," she admitted and rose from her place, putting down the enormous potions volume down on the table. Sirius growled before turning back into himself.

"I was _sleeping_," he complained, as if sleeping was some monolithic experience. Granted, James would have given much to be able to sleep just then.

"You can go back to sleep later."

"_Not bloody likely_," he muttered under his breath, stalking out the door. James rolled his eyes.

When he looked over at Lily he saw her putting up her hair, securing it by twisting the wand through. He liked the look and had nearly fallen to pieces when, before they ever got together, he'd seen her remove her wand when she'd had need of it and watched her hair tumble down as a result. He remembered thinking it was a glorious thing to watch, so feminine, and the powerful magic she'd then performed further impressed him, so competent. James was filled with the sudden hope that she would have no need of her wand that evening. She was brewing, there was hardly ever any wand-work at all when it came to potions. But one never knew. She might summon a phial, or parchment, and then Slughorn would see...

James shook his head. He was being ridiculous. There was nothing to worry about, Slughorn was her teacher—

The moment he thought that, he wanted to ram his head against the wall. He let out a shuddering breath and grasped his hair tightly with both hands, pulling till it hurt.

"James?" Her hand was light and warm on his shoulder. "James, what's wrong?"

"Headache," he squeezed out through clenched teeth. It might be true, he couldn't tell. He stopped pulling on his hair and let his arms fall limply to his sides. He blamed his exhaustion for his peculiar behaviour and even more outlandish thought processes. _Just don't think about it_, he told himself, shaking his head.

Her fingers began massaging his temples, and when he opened his eyes she was looking directly at him. _Was it _that_ paranoid to worry? Who __**wouldn't**__ want her?_ He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, closed his eyes again and pressed a kiss to her forehead. He let his hands feel their way up her back and through her hair and removed the wand. Again, when he opened his eyes, hers were searching his face. He smiled weakly and took another breath. The air seemed to clear his head, giving him an idea that fed his folly but would doubtlessly make him feel better.

He reached over and opened his mother's old jewellery box, removing the ivory comb. Gathering Lily's hair he clumsily he drew it together and tried to secure it. He succeeded to a point. The hair was up but it no where near matched the style in which his mother had always managed.

Her chuckle was nervous. "It's a bit fancy for just an evening in the dungeons. Perhaps I ought to take it out."

"Humour me," he said, kissing her temple. She tilted her head adorably, eliciting an explanation. "I just want your wand in your hand when you're out by yourself," he explained, quite proud of himself for telling an outstanding lie and a fantastic truth at the same time. It was actually a bit thrilling. He understood where she was coming from when she did that herself. Not that he realised _when_ she did it, he just knew that she did. She need never know his ridiculous fears and jealousies; that all of that was so that Slughorn wouldn't see the beautiful way her hair tumbled down when she removed her wand. Not that it mattered if he did. She'd be perfectly safe with the Potion's master, he had no doubt. Yet he still wanted to keep as much of her to himself as he could and letting her hair down had come to him to be an intimate thing, something he didn't want others to see. He knew he was being daft, but he didn't care. Nor did it matter because no one would ever know of it.

Lily reached a hesitant hand behind her head to feel his handiwork, no doubt wondering if it would stay. Then her eyes travelled back to the table, her eyes fixated on the place from which the comb had come.

"I've never opened it," she admitted quietly, stroking the polished wood and gazing at the contents, a dozen or so of his mother's favourite pieces.

"Why not?"

"I..." Her voiced trailed off... embarrassedly?

"It becomes you," he said, indicating the comb. She smiled and brought his head down to meet hers. All contact with her seemed like a massage to him. Even the way her lips felt against his. Everything about her relaxed him, made him feel at peace. She stopped eventually, as he knew she must. That didn't make it any more bearable. He found himself again reluctantly opening his eyes.

"Thank you," she breathed. He wondered foggily what she was thanking him for.

x

Remus watched as James entered Dumbledore's office, several minutes after the meeting had begun. He looked dreadful, even worse than he had that afternoon. Great purple bruises underscored the exhaustion in his eyes, making them look sunken in. James took his place in between himself and Sirius, his shoulders slumped forward as if he didn't even have the strength to stand up straight. He looked completely done in. He looked weak. He looked...

"Just like you before a full moon," Wormtail whispered at his other side, as if finishing his own thought. It was pathetic to see, actually.

"When's the last time you ate?" Remus asked his fatigued friend.

"I honestly can't remember. Not today, anyway."

Remus noticed most of the others in the room were looking at him with similar expressions of pity, with one glaring exception.

"Potter!" Moody barked. James head shot up instantly, looking like a school boy who had fallen asleep at his desk.

"Yes sir?"

"Where have you been? The meeting started 10 minutes ago. You said you were just going to the toilet."

Sirius tensed defensively on James' other side, then eased again. "Indigestion, no doubt. Right, Prongs?"

James grinned wanly. "Right." Then quietly under his breath added. "_Speaking of indigestion I have story to tell you later_." Whatever this story was, it seemed to cheer him up a little. The meeting continued for another hour as the various groups gave their reports and the findings discussed and debated. Throughout the whole thing James and Sirius kept up a low whispered conversation, Remus, with his slightly better than human hearing, caught most of it. Moody was not pleased with James, and James was not pleased with Moody, it appeared. And of course, Sirius didn't tarry on deciding whose side to take. It didn't matter who was right or wrong (though in this case, Remus was inclined to think Moody had acted rather poorly) it was loyalty, solidarity that mattered most to Sirius. He'd argue James' case all night, no matter how illogical the point.

Both James and Sirius fell silent when it was Moody's turn to tell the group about what he and his team had been doing in Austria the last few days and the level of their success, which in Moody's opinion, was extremely low. He enumerated the reasons why the mission was almost a complete failure. Remus cringed.

"Wait, are you blaming James," Wormtail asked after another minute of Moody's grumbling.

Sirius sighed dramatically. "Yes, my friend, he is. Do try and keep up."

James mimicked Sirius' pained expression and said, "You'll have to forgive Peter, Mad-Eye. He's not exactly _the quickest broom in the shed._" Remus could tell the metaphor was chosen with deliberate malice, he'd heard enough of their whispered conversation to know the significance of that. James was quick to reassure Peter that he meant no harm and gave him a quick conspiratorial wink. Sirius chuckled at Moody's obvious fury at that and veritably snarled at the two young men before turning to Dumbledore, accusing James of disobedience.

"Which order did I disobey?" James asked hotly.

"You were being deliberately uncooperative and argumentative, and you're still are. We need to be unified!" insisted Moody.

"I quite agree," said James, sounding dangerously like he did when he used to mouth off to teachers. Sirius didn't miss his cue.

"What you think then, matching T-shirts?" he suggested.

"Capital idea," agreed James, and with a wave of his wand, both boys were wearing identical white shirts with a great gold phoenix in the centre.

"Go team," Sirius cheered with sarcastic enthusiasm.

"Silence!"

Remus couldn't bear to look at Moody, Dumbledore or Minerva. He didn't want to see their furious/disappointed expressions. Remus had never been able to control his less even tempered friends, even though he knew that Dumbledore had wished he would.

"Potter! Black! A word!" Moody growled with barely controlled impatience.

"A word..." said Sirius contemplatively. " Avatrol. Avatrol's a word."

"And fine one at that," agreed James. "Very appropriate. How about carriwitchet?"

"Curwhibble!"

"Flambuginous!"

"Callypygian "

"Godwottery!"

"Floccinaucinihilipilification!"

"Nice one, Padfoot!"

"Thank you, Prongs."

"Potter!" Moody looked as if that magical eye was going to pop out of its socket. "Be serious!"

"_Ah_, but there can be only one Sirius," said the man himself.

Remus hid his face in his hands, mortified by his two friends as it grew only worse. Even Hargrid's occasional attempts did nothing. They were unstoppable, listening to no one.

"_Sorry_," came a small voice from the office door. No one (except perhaps Dumbledore) had noticed the stone steps moving up. They'd all been too busy watching the horrible display. James and Sirius fell silent, unconsciously standing straighter, as Lily stepped meekly into the room. "I don't mean to interrupt, just something for the Headmaster from Professor Slughorn," she said, handing Dumbledore a stack of parchment bound with twine. The silence and the staring clearly made Lily very uncomfortable. Of course she didn't know that everyone was staring at her in gratitude (_can one express thanks by staring?_) at her effortless success in bringing sanity back into the room. Blushing furiously, she gave shy wave to Alice, flashed a quick smile to Hagrid and was almost out the door again when she stopped.

"What are you wearing?" she asked James and Sirius, pointing between the pair at their odd garb. Neither black haired man answered. She shrugged, displeased at the lack of response. "Matching T-shirts?" she asked dubiously. One eyebrow rose speculatively. It was as if she could tell they had been misbehaving. "How romantic. You two make such a cute couple," she said wryly, and was gone the next moment.

It was silent for several tense moments, then Minerva McGonagall pointed a finger at the recalcitrant pair... and laughed.

It didn't take long for it to catch on. It was rather comical. The two relentless bullies made docile by a girl. James looked embarrassed, his weakness exposed so obviously to the group, and Sirius looked as if he were trying rather hard to appear blasé, as if this scene suddenly held nothing worth his attention, as if people pointing and laughing at him was the height of boredom. James cleared his throat and transfigured his clothes back to how they had been. Then after a moment, he started laughing too, shaking his head at his own ridiculousness. He pointed towards the door and said, "I love that witch."

After the laughter subsided James took the first step toward reconciliation. He didn't say much, but his few words were earnest. "I'm sorry Moody. Please, continue."

And so the meeting proceeded, much more smoothly than before.

x

Lily didn't mind at all working with the Potion's master. She knew James didn't like him, but Slughorn had never been anything but nice to her. She had 14 and a half minutes before the cauldron needed attending to again, so she diced ingredients as she made small talk with her professor. It was nice; Lily admitted that she enjoyed herself. Brewing with someone who enjoyed it was a pleasure, and she could tell Slughorn was equally delighted to share his knowledge with a keen pupil. They discussed not just potionry, but contemporary potioneers and their current projects.

"Hector Dagworth-Granger is an old friend of mine, an old friend. We were just talking the other day about Damocles Belby. Thinking of inviting him to my next get-together."

"Really?" she asked excitedly. She'd never spoken to a famous potioneer other than Slughorn himself. And Dumbledore, naturally. But she and the Headmaster and never had a worthwhile discussion about the subject.

Even when he wasn't talking about the intricacies of brewing itself Horace Slughorn was pleasant enough to listen to. He'd go on about some acquaintance or other, past pupils who seemed to show an outstanding aptitude for the subject. She listened for but did not hear Severus' name. She wondered why, for no doubt he was veritably the best Hogwarts had seen this century, despite what Slughorn might say about her. Her 'talent' was a mere shadow, a weak imitation of Severus' genius. Sure, she thought outside the cauldron when brewing, thought of different ways to achieve the same or a better result, but it was only because she had been taught to do so. He had continually told her 'so far.' The directions in the text weren't the best instructions, simply the best 'so far.' At the end of her fourth year Lily had an idea all of her own. Once a potion was complete, give it one last stir, drawing the shape of a rune of choice into the brew. She wasn't sure if it aided much, or even did anything at all, but she still did it to this day. She had written to Severus, told him of her idea. He'd written back saying it was inspired, and that he would test it out himself.

That was the last she'd heard from him before her parents died. She shook her head from these thoughts and went back to listening to the idle chatter. She added the newt's eyes at the precise moment, Slughorn keeping a watchful but not worried eye on her. He nodded in satisfaction as he tied a bundle of parchment with twine, brushed off his robes and stood.

"Leaving, Professor?" she asked.

"Running this to the Headmaster," he said indicating the bundle. Lily did _not_ chuckle at the dubiousness of Horace Slughorn _running_ anywhere. She didn't laugh, but only through a controlled effort.

"I'll do it," she offered immediately. "I know about your bad back." She was grinning to indicate that she didn't think him too old for the simple task, just that she knew he preferred the sedentary life to exercise, as his rotundity verily proved. Also, she didn't want Slughorn to walk into Dumbledore's office to find a large and odd group of witches and wizards that had no reasonable excuse to be meeting together. She was already moving towards him to take it, smiling brightly so her cheerfulness might distract him from the fact that she really wasn't going to give him a choice.

He gladly handed off the chore to her, complaining of his back, but patting his stomach.

She only heard James and Sirius' loud voices and the spattering of other various objects when she entered the room, apologising for interrupting what was obviously a rather heated moment. Everyone fell silent and stared at her and she felt even more in the way. Clearly this wasn't something anyone would mention in front of her. _A mere girl, just a student_. She tried to fight away the hurt at their reluctance to breathe even a single word in her presence. Had they been discussing her? Trying to act as if she weren't completely humiliated she gave Hagrid what felt like a feeble smile, and waved to Alice Longbottom. Remus gave her an encouraging grin which made her feel only slightly better. It might have just been pity. James actually looked guilty, and Sirius' face was frozen over, determined to give away nothing. She was going to leave without saying anymore, and let them get back to the topic that was so important they couldn't include her, but she stopped, curiosity winning out over disappointment. The boys were wearing identical white shirts with gold phoenixes. A bit conspicuous.

"What are you wearing?" she asked them. Neither of them spoke and she grew angry at being always kept in the dark, like a child. She couldn't help the bitterness that escaped in her next words. "Matching T-shirts?" Still they said nothing. She refused to burst out into furious frustrated tears so she spat, "How romantic. You two make such a cute couple," and stormed out of the room. 'Yes, they would,' she thought angrily. 'Always conspiring and leaving me out.' Was it coincidence or design that she happened to be in the dungeons when this conversation had taken place? Or was she, as it sometimes proved, reading too much into things. She'd ask him later and decide then whether to be angry or not. No use in working herself into a temper until she was certain she had a reason. But of one thing she was certain, and that was the guilty expression on James' face. It mightn't have had anything to do with her. It might have involved the bizarre costume he and Sirius wore. She didn't know... yet.

Back in the dungeons Lily did her best not to look distracted. She made a rather impressive showing. She might have fooled even James, whom she was pretending not to think about. Slughorn turned in before she was finished working. She cleaned the work station and updated the inventory. There was nothing amiss. When everything was back in its proper place she left, keeping her wand in her hand. She only stuck her head inside her room and called out to see if James was there. Hearing no response she concluded the meeting must still be going on, so she quickly made her way to the Headmaster's office, using secret passages to avoid running into any patrolling teachers. They wouldn't give her any trouble, but they _would_ take up her time.

When she entered the office once again she half expected the same disapproval she had felt last time. In fact, it wasn't until she had met with their smiling faces that she felt her shoulders loosen and back stand up straighter. She hadn't even been aware she had been hunching in anticipation of a less than kindly welcome. She relaxed, her previous fears eased and she went to stand in front of James. He grabbed her hand and squeezed, causing her lips to twitch up of their own accord.

"Be that so," Minerva continued. "Is Mr. Fletcher ideal?"

"He's the only one who would plausibly be there, and it's not as if anyone has spare ingredients for a polyjuice," said Remus, with a dark smirk on his face.

"But he'll just get drunk!"

"I have to play the part believable-like, haven'I?" muttered Mundungus, who looked as if even then he wasn't entirely sober.

"I'll mind him," Sirius offered, sounding as if this were more for his amusement than a sincere effort to be helpful.

"How?" McGonagall asked severely.

"Oh, I have m'ways," Sirius answered easily in a Scottish accent. Minerva clearly thought he was teasing her, but Lily knew he was referring to the Scottish character Sirius adopted when cavorting with Dung.

Dumbledore smiled and declared the matter settled before moving on to the next topic. James shifted positions, letting go of her hand but wrapping his arms around her from behind, resting his head on top of hers. She placed her own arms over his. After a few minutes he grew heavier and heavier and Lily wondered if he hadn't chosen that position specifically so he wouldn't have to stand up all on his own. Another minute passed and she felt his heavy breathing on her hair, and she felt that if she let go of his arms they would fall, dangling at his sides. Was he tired enough that he could sleep standing? Barely moving her head she caught Remus' eye, and glanced upward, indicating James questioningly. Remus grinned and closed his eyes, pillowing his head on his hands. Lily grinned back, thinking she'd do her best to be a comfortable standing bed for him.

The meeting didn't last much longer anyway, and when the voices started to get louder as normal conversation took over and people planned visits with each other and made their exits, James clutched her suddenly with a sharp intake of breath. She suspected he might have almost fallen over, and jerked awake.

"Would you like me to carry you back to bed?" she asked jokingly.

"Would you?" he asked, turning to rest his other cheek on her head. He didn't move otherwise.

Lily highly doubted she would be able to physically walk all the way to her room carrying James. In fact, she didn't think she could get him down the first flight without dropping him. She'd have to drag him the whole way, which she presumed would be as uncomfortable for him as it would be for her.

"I can levitate you home," she said. It was the best offer she had.

There was a moment of silence and she could tell he was actually considering it but James sighed and made an effort to stand on his own. "No, I'll walk."

"Well," said Sirius, handing the young jarvey to her. She was surprised she hadn't heard a squeak from him until she saw that he too, was asleep. "I will see all of you," he nodded to Peter and Remus, "tomorrow." Then added antagonistically to Lily, "Go Wasps."

"Bed," James mumbled.

"Yes dear." It was amusing to see him so childish with exhaustion. Only once before had he behaved like that. It was the night before she was due to die in Hogsmeade. He'd clutched at her in his sleep, using her stomach for a pillow, and muttered things lowly into her robes, his words muffled by the fabric. They were making their way down the corridor, James had his eyes shut and simply let Lily lead, when she remembered.

"James, get under the cloak," she hissed quickly, looking around nervously for witnesses.

"You get under it," he retorted. Or it would have been a retort had a yawn not interrupted him.

Heaving a sigh she fumbled in his robes and withdrew the cloak, putting it over them as best she could. She was certain their shoes would occasionally show, but a flash of visible feet was less incriminating than entire bodies, so she let it go. She was surprised when she entered the room that the fire grew larger and warmer. She didn't think he'd be up to wandless magic. But perhaps it was mere reflex now. He flopped fully clothed onto the bed. She took Jarvey out of her pocket and put him away into his own little den and removed James' shoes and glasses before she went to take her shower.

x

It took much effort on his part to stay awake. In fact, he thought he might have dozed off, but he came back when he heard the bathroom door open. He watched her through his lashes as Lily came out of the bathroom, resplendent in naught but a towel and the shroud of hoary steam. She stepped forward to open her trunk and began rifling through it.

"No."

She looked up at him. "Did you say something?"

"Come here," he mumbled sleepily. In the dim light and without his glasses, he couldn't see her expression clearly, but he thought her brow drew together in concern. She moved to his side of the bed and looked down on him as she swirled his hair with her heavenly fingers. It felt divine. He almost let his eyes close but he stopped himself, forcing them to stay open so he could look at her. "Come to bed," he told her, grasping her hand and giving it a feeble tug. She made some unimportant objection about sleep-clothes to which he paid no heed. He pulled at her arm as he would draw a rope.

He groaned approvingly as she gave in to his appeal and settled her now bare weight on top of him. He then let his eyes flutter contentedly shut. After a moment she jokingly complained of the cool breeze on her backside, so, cupping the rounded part in question in a large appreciative hand, he clumsily rolled them so that he lay spread exhaustedly on top of her. Weary beyond description, but more comfortable and content than he could ever remember having been, he finally fell into a much needed and long-awaited sleep.

_**Author's Note: **__At the beginning of the chapter, James runs into a cow. Now some of you might have thought this was random and unnecessary; and it was. You might also be thinking that even at night, it is improbable that one might run into a cow in the mountains and meadows of Salzburg. That might be true. It is improbable, but certainly not impossible... _

_As I have good reason to know..._

_That's right. The scene between James and Frank was taken from real life, alas. My friend and I were running through that very meadow I described in Fuschl, my friend stepped in poo, and yes... in the midst of a hearty chortle at my friend's expense, I ran into a cow. Instant karma._

_I don't think either party was pleased by the incident._

_And I know it looks like I dislike Moody, but in reality I love the guy. No nonsense sort of chap. He's anti-Valentine's day. I would have had this out to you day before yesterday, but I figured that everyone whose fic is remotely romantic would want to post on Valentine's, so I thought I'd do it a day or two later. Candy cauldrons to you all! My gratitude to those who review. Encouragement is... well... encouraging. _

_**Bizarre, obsolete, and otherwise random words**_

**Avatrol = a bastard**

**Carriwitchet = pun or cunundrum**

**Curwhibble = a thing-a-ma-jig or what-cha-ma-callit**

**Flambuginous = a sham, deception, ficticious**

**Callypygian = having shapely buttocks**

**Godwottery = Use of archaic language or** _(believe it or not)_** elaborate gardening**

**Floccinaucinihilipilification = to establish or state that something has no value**


	65. Favourite Things

**Author's Note: **_Plot? What plot? _

_Warning: Vomitous amounts of cuddles, fluff and typographical euphemisms (***)(Count them. Suffice it to say this is a most satisfying chapter for James) Those who have low tolerance for cheese should not read this chapter (I consider myself literarily lactose intolerant, so this chapter was a struggle for me. If it's not up to scratch, it's because I'm vastly out of my element.)_

_Minimal thinking required. Complete break from dark stuff, but be ready for more plot in the upcoming chapters. Intrigues and action galore. But not now._

_This is about as fluffy as I can get, so enjoy._

**Chapter 65: Favourite Things**

_Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with string, these are a few of my favourite things... ~ Sound of Music_

_James' list is slightly different._

Apart from _maybe_ Quidditch, there was nothing James liked more than sex first thing in the morning. What a splendid way to start the day. What a commendable manner in which to be woken up! It was almost always James who had to initiate the morning amour, so he was pleasantly surprised to find that she had already got things started before he was even aware he wasn't dreaming anymore.

"It's always better when _you_ take the initiative," he complimented her later. And to think there had been a time when he thought that there was no better alarm clock than her singing in the shower. Granted, that was still nice, but it just didn't compare to...

"You fell asleep last night before I could even try."

"Would you have?" he asked. He had buried both his hands in her glorious mane of red hair, drawing his fingers through it. He imagined he made it more of a mess than anything.

She shrugged. "I was glad to have you back," she hedged, looking away almost embarrassedly. James couldn't help but chuckle. She was self-conscious about the most peculiar things. He cupped her face in his hand, grinning at her.

"You're an odd little thing, you know that," he said matter-of-factly.

Her smile meekly appeared, then vanished, then appeared again, nervously winking in and out of existence. _Stay_, he bade it, but it continued to flicker uncertainly before fading away all together. He frowned at its disappearance.

"What's wrong?" she asked, seeing his expression. He shook himself and grinned again.

"Nothing. Nothing at all. It's Saturday and I mean for it to go on as it began."

Lily raised her eyebrows curiously and he explained, "_Very_ satisfactorily, to understate things." He kissed her. "Time to get up. We need to get ready," he declared, bounding up and pulling on his clothes.

"But why? It's early still," she said, reaching her arms out and writhing around in the bed to enjoy a luxurious stretch. The sheets twisted exquisitely around her figure. He studied the effect, not unmoved.

"Well, ten more minutes couldn't hurt." He crawled back to bed resting half his body on top of her. He kissed her shoulder and entwined their fingers together. She used her free hand to twirl his hair.

James imagined that this is what the rest of his life could be like. _Would_ be like, if ever the war ended. Even if it didn't, so long as he had her, he'd always be able to snatch moments like these. He wanted this every morning. This purity, this happiness, this simplicity.

He wanted to ask her if they could do this every day, but he didn't. He knew that some mornings they'd be too tired or too hurried, both having to get to classes during the weekday, and work later on. This unhurried focus was a treat. An indulgence. Something to be appreciated while it was there, remembered fondly when it was not.

x

James left her half an hour later to go back to his room to shower and change for the day. With him gone, she felt little point in lazing around in bed any longer, so she rose and got ready as well. She felt slightly embarrassed of her scant wardrobe. She had nothing that she thought suitable to wear to a Quidditch match. She only had her school uniform robes which were, for obvious reasons, completely out of the question, the formal dress robes Sirius gave her, which would be even more out of place at a Quidditch match, and her sad collection of muggle clothes. Not only that, but she'd have to tear the crest off her Hogwarts cloak, it being the only one she had.

She'd have no choice but to wear her ratty muggle things and just keep her cloak closed the whole time. It was a dangerous time to be showing off any 'muggleness'. Wizard fashion for men (from a muggle point of view) hadn't yet moved beyond the Victorian era. Sirius seemed to be a bit of a rebel with his experimentation with more modern mugglewear, but wouldn't dare don anything post 1920.

She knew James had a single pair of trousers that zipped instead of buttoned, but something so small and unnoticeable wouldn't stand out as muggle, but most things she owned did. She had some modest skirts and collared blouses that she wore under her cloak for trips into Diagon Alley or other wizardy places. Would a calf length skirt be more appropriate than the obviously muggle jeans?

Better safe than sorry, she thought, pulling out a pair of warm stockings and sliding them on. Having dressed herself and fed Jarvey, she took off towards Rupert's quarters, hoping that (for once) her philandering best friend would be alone.

"May 11th, 1960," she said rolling her eyes and entered his room. How typical was it to use one's birthday for a password? It was too easy. When he'd told her what it was she'd tried to make him change it, but the boy was obstinate.

Nostradamus rubbed up against her legs and she bent down to scratch him. The cat eyed the jarvey on her shoulder with a touch of regal disapproval.

"Does he have company?" she asked quietly.

The feline familiar mewed in response.

"Damn," she hissed. "Could you go get him for me?"

His tail twitched and he eyed Lily for a long moment before turning around and lazily gliding back into the bedroom. She turned around facing the wall to wait, just in case he wasn't dressed.

"What..." he mumbled unhappily. "What's the—Lily?"

"Is it safe to turn round?" she asked.

There was a soft ruffling sound before he said, "Sure." She turned to face him and he asked, "What's wrong? Has something happened?" Fatigue was quickly being replaced with worry.

"No, no. I'm really sorry for barging in on you like this but I was wondering it you could do me an enormous favour and watch Jarvey today."

Roo, despite the fact that he was clad in only a throw rug wrapped around his waist, didn't look embarrassed until that moment.

"Sorry Lils, you know I would if I could but I have plans this afternoon that I can't get out of."

Lily could tell by his guilty expression that he was entirely sincere. "No, it's alright," she assured him. "What are you doing?" she asked, then cursed herself silently. If she asked him what he was doing, he'd ask her. She supposed she _could_ tell him the truth, he wouldn't judge her in anyway, but he would want to go too.

He looked uncomfortable as he searched for words. "Well actually I er... See the lads and I... I mean... It's sort of a..."

"You don't have to tell me," she said, relieved that he seemed just as unwilling to reveal his plans. Then suspicion crept in. "It's not anything dangerous, it is? You aren't sneaking off for secret unsupervised Quidditch practice, are you?"

"No, no Quidditch practice, I promise."

"Alright then," she said, feeling better. She'd just have to find Hagrid, and worst case scenario was she just took Jarvey with her. Though she didn't want to think of the trouble the ferret like creature could get into in public. He was always trying to wriggle away... what if she lost him?

"Sorry," he apologised again.

"No it's alright, just thought I'd ask. Sorry for intruding like this." It was her turn to look embarrassed. Roo turned to look in the direction Lily had unconsciously glanced, before turning back to her and shrugging, waving a dismissive hand in the direction of his bedroom.

"Don't worry about it," he said confidently, and gave her a kiss on the cheek in a way that was _almost_ condescending.

Overcome by schoolgirl curiosity, she glanced toward he bedroom and whispered, "Who is it?" She felt stupid for grinning like an ignorant gossip, but she couldn't help it.

"Hyacinth..." he trailed off, clearly having forgotten the girl's last name. His brows furrowed and he scratched his head. "Bugger, I know this. Erm..."

"Don't strain yourself."

"Bah," he said, giving up. "Oh well." He reached over to pet the jarvey. "Sorry mate." It nipped at his fingers in response. Roo looked up at her. "Does that mean I'm forgiven, do you suppose?"

Lily laughed. "That's as good a translation as any," she said turning to go back out the door. "I'll see you later."

She took a secret passage up to James' floor, waiting for a time for two Ravenclaws to disappear before she crossed to the other side of the corridor and scurried into the classroom.

"James?"

His reply echoed from the bathroom. "Almost ready. Sorry, Sirius mirrored or I'd already be finished."

He was the one who was in a hurry, not she, Lily thought. She idly wandered about his room, lifting up the lid of the chest that contained his sweets, considered taking one, decided against it, and closed it again. What she really wanted was watermelon, not something James kept tucked away in chests, alas. It wasn't even the season for them.

She passed by the bathroom door, which was widely ajar and saw James shaving in front of the mirror. This sight made her giddier than was reasonable. She'd never seen him shave before. She knew he did, and she noticed when he'd gone a day or two without it, but she had never seen him actually doing it. In just his trousers, barefoot, face covered in cream and using a safety razor, he looked entirely normal. Muggle even. There was nothing more typical, or homier in the world. This is what their life could be like, she thought, smiling as she watched him.

Without making a conscious effort to do so, she entered the bathroom and hugged him from behind. His back was warm against her cheek. When he lovingly chuckled at her his voice reverberated in her ear. She let go with a contented sigh and wandered back out into the room to wait.

When James appeared minutes later, nothing had changed but for his face, which was smooth and completely washed away of white cream. He was smirking knowingly at her.

"What?" she asked playfully.

"Oh, nothing," he replied, still smiling as he advanced. When he was half a foot away he stopped. She didn't notice what face he was making because she was distracted by the scars across his abdomen. She'd seen them so often she ought to be used to it, but standing right there in his room, it was as if she was seeing them for the first time all over again. He'd just appeared out of his bathroom, expecting her to bandage him up.

As she did that day, she reached out and traced the scars delicately with her fingertips. His muscles tensed. The weight of his hands fell on her shoulders. The scars were more faded now, a rosy white.

"Lily."

"Hmm?" she looked up at him, questioningly.

"We've been here before, too," he said quietly, curiously, hesitantly. It turned slightly awkward. She knew he felt uneasy about perhaps wanting her before she wanted him. He was always afraid of being that disgusting professor that he imagined himself as from time to time.

She looked back down again, unable to continue looking into those probing eyes.

"I was nervous," she admitted reluctantly.

"You pulled away from me."

"I thought..." She sighed, not wanting to divulge any more embarrassing secrets than she already had, but also knowing that this was a truth he'd insist on having. "I was ashamed, I thought that you could see what I wanted, so I ran away."

His grip on her shoulders tightened.

"I thought the same thing." He chuckled a bit nervously. "Except I thought you'd run off to get Hagrid and tell him what a pervert I was, and then I'd be torn limb from limb."

"_Don't,_" she told him, rubbing her hands comfortingly against his torso. She disliked it when he imagined himself as having taken advantage of her. "_You know that's not true._"

They took turns it seemed, about being concerned about their odd relationship. Sometimes Lily worried about what others would think and James would tell her she was being silly, other times James worried about 'responsibilities' and Lily would have to talk him down.

"I won't pull away now," she invited.

He smiled a painful smile and leaned his forehead on hers for a long moment before pulling away. His eyes left hers occasionally to dart a glance at her lips. Then slowly, nervously, he bent lower to bring his mouth to hers, exactly as he would have done it months ago at what could have been their first kiss.

His hands were as soft and hesitant as his mouth as they moved from her shoulders up her neck to hold her head in place. It was such a fragile moment...

A loud magically magnified knock shattered everything. "Professor?" someone called from the classroom. They both froze, lips still touching but unmoving, their eyes which had flown open were now staring at each other as best the angle would allow. Only their panicked breathing could be heard. A moment passed in that awkward still life moment, both of them afraid to react, because that would be admitting that they felt what they were doing was wrong. He looked hurt, torn, unhappy, and she couldn't bear it.

There was another knock at the door and James started breathing more quickly, but still neither of them looked away. Thinking the situation was beyond the point of saving, she gave it a shot anyway.

She retook his lips for the smallest moment so that when she pulled away it made a suction sound. "_Make them leave,_" she whispered. Taking his cue from her he nodded and strode to his office, throwing on a cloak to cover his bare chest.

Lily could only listen as James opened his office door to his visitor. The voices were muffled, but she did her best to listen.

"Yes?"

"Good morning, Professor. I... didn't wake you, did I?" It was clear by the girl's voice that she evidently thought she had.

"No, no. What do you need?"

"I'm sorry, I know it's not office hours, but I had a question about what you said the other day on the whole "_attacking_ _defensively_" thing. It's just that I didn't have the chance to ask you sooner with you gone and Professor Black substituting and the essay is due Monday and I didn't want to run out of time."

James took a moment before answering. "This... isn't the best time," he said reluctantly. She knew he hated to turn away a student who needed help, simply because... well... because of her.

"If you promise to give it back by Monday, you can borrow this book, there is an entire section devoted to it. If you want, I'll be here all of tomorrow from noon to four."

"Sunday?" she asked uncertainly. To any Ravenclaw, the day before was far too close to the due date to be comfortable. The girl felt that 9 o'clock on a Saturday morning was already pushing it.

"If you are really concerned about it after tomorrow we can discuss an extension. Here." Lily imagined James was handing her the aforementioned book.

"Thank you, sir."

Once he closed the office door after her he didn't move. He stood there, no doubt reflecting on his decision...

Lily finally exhaled, and when she tried to breathe in again she found she couldn't. She started pulling at her collar, undoing the buttons frantically as she crossed the room to throw open the window. Icy air assaulted her face, flushing her cheeks and forced its way down her lungs with a gasp.

"Oh gods," she breathed. "I told him to make her go away."

When the door to the bedroom reopened she whirled around to face him. "Get dressed and bring her back. I'll leave. You... you shouldn't have done that. It's my fault, I'm sorry, James, I'm so sorry!" She wasn't entirely sure the words came out as clearly as she had meant them. She didn't realise how hysterical she'd become. She was shoving robes into his arms and trying to shove him away from her.

"What happened to your clothes? What are you doing?"

"Please. You've got to. You can't waste time with me when... when..."

"Lily, love, calm down." He took the bundle of robes and tossed them aside so his arms were free to envelope her; trap her rather. He spoke soothingly into her hair, low easy sounds to calm her, as he would any skittish beast. "I was perfectly within my rights to ask her to come back later. It wasn't office hours, any teacher could have turned her away."

That was a small comfort, and the block in her throat that betokened the possibility of tears grew smaller. But just because he could have turned her away, would he have had she not been there? She doubted it. If it weren't for her presence he would have gladly spent the time to help her, office hours or not. That's what she had admired so much about him in the beginning, his utter willingness to help his students. Now it was her own fault he was no longer that man. The lump was back.

"I've ruined you," she choked.

x

_That's just what Moody said._ Were they right? Was Lily—no, not Lily—was his love for Lily ruining his professional performance? Did he care? Yes, he cared, but not enough, he realised. He'd made his choice, Lily came before Moody. Lily came before extra help. Still, saying that would only upset her. He knew in her eyes the greatest tragedy in the world would be for him to give over helping others for her. She saw their need as being so great and her own self so insignificant.

"I'm sorry you can't claim that honour. Quidditch got to me long before you did," he joked. Though it was entirely true. "Heart, even if we had never met, the Wasps would still be playing the Harpies, and I would still be going. In fact, if it weren't for you I'd probably be stuck in the Hospital Wing for my recuperation and wouldn't even have been here to answer the door. I've put the girl's mind at ease. It's just one day. I'm still the teacher you know and love..."

...

Wow. There. He'd done it, crossed the line neither of them had ever truly crossed before.

James had just pointed out the elephant in the room. Unthinkingly. She'd been trembling before but now she stood stock still. He'd been trying to cheer her up and he'd gone and said the most blunt and undesirable thing possible. He'd used 'love' and 'teacher' in the same sentence. Something they had thitherto taken great pains to avoid.

They'd always known what they were, but they had tried to carefully segment their lives so that that particular thing never happened. The boundaries had been skirted about before, like the previous day when she was healing him in front of the class. But his mind had handily compartmentalised just the two of them, separating them from the rest of their surroundings.

Of course, there were always those terribly awkward moments, like just then when a student knocks at the door at an inopportune moment, but they had been able to work through those with the other's help.

He panicked that morning and she had consoled him, and now in attempt to assuage one insecurity, he'd just shoved another they just barely managed to keep hidden, right out into the light. He'd made a proper mess of things now.

Or had he? She'd yet to respond... which could potentially be a very bad thing.

There was no reason not to face it. They both knew it, saying it aloud would only force them to better accept it, right?

She pulled away, not looking at him. '_Bad sign, bad sign, bad sign_!' his mind yelled. He didn't care; he wasn't going to let this change anything.

When she finally spoke her voice was broken yet hopeful. "Is that a promise?"

It took him a moment to replay what he'd last said for him to understand the question. His face broke into a relieved smile. _Yes_. She hadn't actually said it, but she as good as did. He hugged her tightly and placed frantic kisses all over her head and face.

"Yes," he repeated, interspersing it with the occasional "always," and "yours."

They were ages away from being able mention it again, and would probably never be okay enough to make jokes, but they'd reached a new place of acceptance, understanding. What they were doing might be terribly wrong, but that didn't matter, and now they both knew it.

x

Lily decided that her own sins and guilt weren't important in comparison to the bigger picture. So long as he never gave up his work for her, so long as other people didn't suffer for their relationship, then she could handle it. She could damn herself. She could not damn others...

"You'll help her tomorrow?" she asked. James was still a flurry of lips about her.

"_Yes_," he whispered hurriedly as he moved to kiss the next locations.

"And you'll not tarry with me when Moody needs you?"

"_Yes_," he replied again, taking her arms and putting them around his neck as he continued kissing her.

"And you'll still be the auror, the professor, the man that I fell in love with?"

"**_Yes_**_."_ It sounded more like a victorious growl than anything, but she didn't have time to think about that as the force of hitting the wall behind her took her breath away.

They needed this. This physical reassurance. This affirmation. Vulnerability at having laid bare some of the deepest worries was now an incentive to pull closer, taking comfort in the only other person in the world who truly understood. They were one at that moment unified, in mind if not in body. Yet.

They stayed that way for a long time after, still standing next to the window. Both seemed reluctant to detach from the other. They wanted to continue clinging, as if they'd lose something important if they let go, lost contact. It was like the beginning of most relationships, the constant need to touch, the constant contact of some kind. She and James had skipped that phase. They'd had a day before his mother was killed, which put a barrier between them, from which they had recovered slowly. They had never been the couple that needed to touch each other all the time, but they needed it then. James helped Lily back into her stockings (the only garment to have been discarded) before finishing dressing himself.

He pulled on the Wasps jersey that she often used as a sleep shirt when she stayed the night in his rooms. She come to think of it as pyjamas; to see him wearing it out was rather humorous to her mind.

His smile when he pulled his head through and took her hand again was so incandescent she couldn't help grinning back like a fool, her stomach doing odd little flips that he hadn't inspired in her since before they got together. _'This is what all the girls talk about.'_ Lily mused. Infatuation. Except generally it came _before_ love, that is if the love ever came at all. How backwards they went about things.

"I'm taking you out, Lily Evans," James said decisively.

"Out?"

"Yes. We've never gone out, just the two of us. Don't you want to?"

Lily grinned and for some reason, blushed as she nodded.

"Where do you want to go?" he asked.

"It's your day, remember? Recuperation. We'll go anywhere you want..."

.

Lily really shouldn't have been surprised to find themselves standing in front of the National Quidditch Museum in London. _'That is so James,' _she thought. Granted she could have thought of more _romantic_ things to do for their first date, but she admitted she couldn't think of anything more fitting. Even if Lily would never have chosen the location herself, the fact that James enjoyed himself, was enough to make Lily happy.

They strolled along hand in hand, the only two visitors in the place. He showed her the famous tapestry, all the old fashioned balls they used to use including a stuffed snidget - the golden bird (hunted to near extinction) that was the forerunner to the actual snitch they used today- and a whole slew of various broomstick makes, including one from the Middle Ages.

"Weren't too concerned with comfort back in the day," said James, wincing. "No cushioning charm."

They saw Gertie Keddles' diary and portraits of several famous Quidditch players, with whom James eagerly conversed. They spent as much time in the gift shop as they had in the actual museum. James started amassing quite a collection of things he intended to buy, an empty notebook designed for planning strategies, charmed so that the formations would move where you indicated, a playbook including pictures to watch to see exactly how the moves were performed, a new broom servicing kit, a new jersey...

"James, what are you doing with a Harpies pullover?" she asked suspiciously.

"Didn't I tell you not to worry about what to wear?"

"Yes, but I thought that's because it didn't matter, not that you planned to dress me later."

"Come on, you can't go to a Quidditch match without wearing the colours of the team you support." He was so exuberant she knew the futility in arguing. Secretly she didn't want to. After two hours of reading and talking about plays and players, she was in the spirit of things and wanted to see it in action. James' enthusiasm was catching.

Once he'd purchased his things and Lily had donned her new attire he glanced at his watch. Noting the time he reached into his robes and took out the mirror.

"Sirius," he called. He put the bag of his new things in the crook of the arm that held the mirror so that his other hand was free to hold onto Lily; that need to be touching still present. She squeezed his hand, grinning, and leaned into his side.

"Prongs! Where are you, you are way behind!" Through the mirror Lily could hear loud boisterous voices carrying on noisily in the background. Clearly he was in a crowded place.

"How many?"

"_Too_ many."

"Too many what?" Lily asked.

"Pints," James explained with a smirk. "I have to catch up."

"Not likely my friend, we're off to the pitch in another quarter of an hour."

"Sirius?"

"Yes, Cariad?"

"How drunk are you?"

"Sober still, little one, sober still. Which can't be said for Moony and Wormtail, I assure you. Don't worry, I've put a safety on their wands." He turned the mirror around to angle it towards his friends' faces. Remus had an arm around Peter's shoulders and they were singing a song Lily didn't recognise. They weren't the only ones. The whole pub seemed to be filled with enthusiastic Quidditch fans stopping in for a pre-game pint or four. Then the view whirred back and stopped on Sirius' handsome face. "Coming?"

"On our way!" James said, and put the mirror back in his pocket.

.

They flooed from the Quidditch Museum to the Yorkshire Moor Tavern, which stayed in business solely from the custom of the fans before and after the matches. Just as they had glimpsed in the mirror, the place was completely packed (entirely with Wasps supporters). When James finally spotted the others on the far side of the room they had to fight and squeeze their way through the mob. He kept tight hold of her hand as he pulled her along; she was pinched and prodded more than once on their way. She did her best to ignore them.

"Harpy!" one man cried pointing at Lily. Several people turned around and likewise pointed at her and chanted, "Harpy! Harpy! Harpy!" accompanied by booing and hissing.

"That's not very nice," she pouted.

"Come on," James said, dragging her the rest of the way.

"We heard you coming," said Sirius with a smirk, his glance lingering on Lily's colours. "You made quite an entrance."

"Thank you," she said stiffly. There was no room at the tiny table so she sat down on Remus' knee.

"This one mine?" James asked pointing to an untouched glass.

"Yes sir," answered Peter. "15 seconds. Go!"

Without wasting a moment James picked up the glass and began to chug. He was done in eight.

"Effortless," he bragged.

"Yea, well the first one's always the easiest," said Peter unimpressed.

"We have time for another, d'you think?" James asked.

"Considering how long it takes to wade through the masses to get the bar, and get the barman to pour your drink, no," answered Sirius coolly.

Well, what good was being eye-catching if you didn't get any benefit from it, right? Lily made up her mind in a moment. She stood from Remus' knee, squared her shoulders towards the bar and shouted (sang rather), "Harpy! Coming though!"

It was surprisingly effective, more so than she thought it would be. They laughed at her evident indifference to their dislike of her team and made way. She had a clear path to the bar. The barman gave her no trouble either. Even if he hadn't heard her theatrical approach, being the only woman, and an impossible-to-miss redhead at that, would have drawn his attention immediately to her.

A minute after she had left the table she was back again, the four pints floating perfectly behind her found their owners without a drop being spilt.

"Women _do_ have their uses after all," said Sirius. She might have pretended to be offended had he not leaned over the table to kiss her cheek.

"You aren't drinking?" Remus asked.

"Someone has to stay sober to mind the rest of you. Don't get so bad that I have to confiscate your wands," she told them.

"Good girl."

"To you," said Remus at her shoulder. He lifted his glass in salute to her. The other three men followed suit before draining them as quickly as they could. They all lowered their glasses to the table at the same time, their synchronisation just a tiny testament to how close they were.

At the entrance to the moors, there were small vending stands carrying merchandise for each team. Quality Quidditch Supplies set up a booth, as they did for most matches, to sell Quidditch gear and even the latest brooms, while some stalls sold impartial things like programmes, charmed cushioned seats with warmers, and omnioculars.

"James, what are omnioculars?"

"You're about to find out," he told her.

"No, don't."

"It's my day, remember? Besides, they're dead handy. Useful for more than just Quidditch you know."

"You have a pair?"

"Of course. I never go into work without them. Excellent if you need to do a bit of surveillance."

"Oh."

"You lads go ahead and find our seats."

"Not without refreshment first," Peter pointed out with a smirk. "Don't forget you're still behind."

"Then get me three for starters," he said back, accepting the challenge with a smile.

"You aren't going to get completely sloshed are you?" she asked. It was his day, he could do as he wished, but he wasn't best known for being able to hold his alcohol, nor was he known for behaving well when drunk.

"If I get too out of hand you can always use that handy sobering charm of yours."

That didn't exactly answer her question...

He'd only just put his gold away after paying for the omnioculars when he shouted in surprise. "A new Oakshaft! I'm getting one," he said with certainty. Lily was immediately dragged towards the brooms.

x

"Alright lads! There they are down there, see the landing strips?"

"Aye, cap'n," Roo replied sarcastically to Colum Davies.

"Begin descent!"

Many witches and wizards chose to fly to the moors rather than apparating. The 7th years of the Gryffindor Quidditch team were among them, some of them not having yet taken (or passed) their apparition test. They'd left by broomstick that morning, via the window. Roo had his secrets too. He knew Lily would never approve of them leaving the castle unsupervised like this, but Lily was the least of his worries. If a professor ever found out, they could get expelled. He knew it was unsafe and a stupid thing to do, but he did it anyway, one because he wouldn't let the others go on their own, and two, he really wanted to see this match. It wasn't the first time they'd snuck out to watch a game. They'd been doing it since their fifth year when they joined the team, led by the 7th years. Now they were 7th years themselves, but they didn't carry on the tradition of bringing their younger teammates with them. Times were just too dangerous. They were assuredly being irresponsible for coming, but they wouldn't be so irresponsible as to lead other younger students into the same danger.

But they didn't think there would be. The attacks had mostly been aimed at muggles and muggleborns. They'd attacked muggle sporting events, but not wizarding ones. The only other danger they faced was getting caught, but what teacher would be at a Quidditch match in times like these?

They landed in the designated area and checked their brooms, taking a number. The entrance wasn't as crowded as it had been in the past. There was usually more than twice this number of people. Rupert assumed witches and wizards were more reluctant to leave their homes. Only the true fans were left.

They were mulling through with the rest of the crowd towards the stadium entrance, stopping to inspect the merchandise. "Ooh, look, a collection of the Wasps finest moments," said Angleton, holding up a book filled with pictures of never ending replays of fantastic saves, phenomenal catches of the snitch, expert quaffle handling, and the most ruthless of bludger beatings. All three boys surrounded the stand, as other enthusiasts exclaimed over other types of Quidditch paraphernalia.

"A programme signed by the whole team! Oh please, please dad!"

"A new Oakshaft! I'm getting one."

"Last year's playbook!"

Roo was flipping through _The Wasps' Finest Moments._ "What do you think Colum, should we get it? We could split the cost three ways..."

But Davies apparently hadn't heard him. Reluctantly, he tore his eyes away from the pages to look at him and repeat the question. The expression on Davies' face was frozen, staring at a point further away. Rupert followed his gaze and felt his entire body seize with nervous tension and dread.

_Lily_. Standing just three yards away, holding hands with Potter for the world to see. He should have known.

"You are not buying me a broom, James."

"You need one!"

"I've never owned one before and managed well enough."

"Because you always borrow mine. And we lost two brooms in Dover, might as well replace them with the latest make. Oakshafts are sturdy rides, and this one, _ash handles_, Lily, _ash!_ Think of the speed! The acceleration! Couldn't get a quicker getaway broom."

"James..." she whined.

"I'd feel much better if you had one, especially after Salzburg. Please, heart? For me?"

All three boys had stopped looking at merchandise to gawp at this horrific scene. Roo was too horrified to speak. He could only watch as the Head Girl caved.

"You know I'll lend it to Roo for matches though, don't you?" she said in the petulant voice of someone who's been defeated.

"Go Gryffindor," he said and kissed her on the top of the head and turned his smiling face back to the salesman and purchased two under the name James Potter, to be collected after the match and flicked his wand so that a stream of galleons flew out of his money bag and into that of the Quality Quidditch Supplies employee.

"You'll thank me later," he told her confidently as he led her away from the stall. She looked abashed and directed her gaze towards her feet. She mumbled something that he couldn't hear that made Potter throw his head back in laughter, then kissed the hand that he held in his. He then dropped it and put and arm around her shoulders, squeezing her tightly to his side as they disappeared into the crowd that was moving towards the stands.

Roo was jealous that Potter had so easily shelled out a ridiculous amount of gold for a broom Lily would probably never ride, but pleased that her first thought was to let him use it. Then the terror sank back in and he turned to his two house and team mates. Then the fear somehow instantly changed to august authority.

"You will _not_ speak a word of what you just saw to _anyone_, understood!"

They nodded dumbly.

"I don't make idle threats, if either of you says anything, _anything_, you can kiss you bollocks goodbye. I will literally put them to your lips and then _evanesco!_"

Again they nodded mutely.

"Swear it! I want your words!" he ordered.

"I promise."

"Promise."

"Good," he said angrily, though it wasn't Angleton or Davies with whom he was irked. It could have been a lot worse. Angleton rarely spoke at all, let alone gossiped, and Davies was so damned noble that his honour would keep him bound to his word. Pomposity had its advantages. Whom he was really angry at was Lily and Potter. So careless! Merlin, they should have been more careful! Granted they were probably using the same logic that no sane person from the school would be at the match to witness them. Roo thought with a pang of guilty relief that it could just as easily have been the reverse, Potter and Lily spotting _them_, which would most definitely have been bad news for him and his friends.

They marched up to their seats and waited for the match to begin with dramatically less enthusiasm than before.

"She never was with Sirius Black, was she," said Davies.

Rupert gritted his teeth. "No."

"Didn't think so."

Angleton nodded his head too and the subject was dropped, though the knowledge still hung over them, silent and awkward.

x

"Surely that was a foul, yes, Referee Adelino Abrantes has brought out the yellow card. Murphy for skinning!"

"Ha!" said James triumphantly. "Pay up, Padfoot."

It seemed to Lily that the marauders were continually passing money back and forth as the game progressed. She was amazed they'd remembered them all, not only the various bets but the varying amounts to each of them. They seemed to have wagered on every aspect about the match, players, plays, fouls, the list went on and on.

"Fire it in!" James was shouting, then roared with frustration as the shot was successful blocked. "I said fire it in! That doesn't mean gently toss it to the keeper!" he bellowed.

Sirius and Peter looked equally put out and were mumbling similar things and she shared a secret victorious look with Remus. The Harpies were ahead 70-30. It was still anyone's game, but to James, who was a Chaser in his heart of hearts, cared little about who actually caught the snitch in the end, but who had played better.

When it started raining in icy sheets Peter flipped a coin to James who deftly caught it and stored it in his pocket before pulling Lily in front of him and wrapping her in his cloak with him. He lifted her hood before resting his chin on the top of her head so she was completely warm and dry. She grinned, not caring at all that he continued to bellow in close proximity to her ears.

The game had been going on for 3 hours when Sirius abruptly jumped down to the next row of stands below and walked off at a determined pace.

"Sirius! Where are you going?"

"There's this dog I have to see a man about. I'll be back."

Lily tried to pursue the matter but the commentator's voice overrode hers. "Ooh, Bagman gets a bludger to the face! I think the nose is- yes it's bleeding considerably. Tough break, Ludo!" Lily cringed at the pun as Remus handed Peter a handful of silver coins.

x

Rupert was watching the game half-heartedly, occasionally looking over to check on his team mates. Checking for what he didn't know. To search for some sign they would break their words? No, he knew they wouldn't. Actually, he suspected that he was searching in their faces for those unasked questions. Questions he wouldn't be able to answer because even _he himself _didn't know. He'd only briefly spoken about it openly with the professor, but only that one time and it wasn't very informative, only officially confirmed his suspicions.

This time as he quickly glanced at Angleton he found him with his binoculars (because he couldn't afford omnioculars) not up in the sky at the game, bur across the pitch into the stands opposite them. Rupert focused his own binoculars over to where he judged Angleton's were pointing and after a few seconds of searching found them. He stood behind her, wrapping her in his cloak, resting his head contentedly on top hers. He hadn't seen either of them smile so much for a long time. They seemed to be in a constant state of stress, but now they looked... happy.

Roo cleared his throat loudly and pushed Angleton's binoculars up several degrees. "The action is in the air," he reminded him pointedly. He barely had time to look embarrassed when deep purring voice from the row behind startled all three of them.

"Sneaking out of the castle are we?"

The three boys turned around so quickly, Angleton nearly lost his footing and toppled backwards, but Sirius Black caught him by the shoulder and steadied him.

"Pr.. Professor Black," Colum greeted, his voice strained like a boy whose voice has only started to change.

The elegant man shook his head. "I'm not your professor, no need for the title."

Davies nodded. "Sir." It was almost a question. Even though he technically_ wasn't_ their professor, they all felt that they were in dire trouble. Actually, though he was smiling, Black seemed to be much more frightening than McGonagall at her most furious. His silver eyes swirled intensely as he stared right at him. Rupert swallowed.

"They saw. They know," he blurted out. Better to give him the truth from the get go. Sirius Black loved Lily, and would forgive her a great many things. Rupert however, somehow doubted _he _could keep something important from him and remain unbruised for it. It's what he obviously wanted to know, and lying or prevaricating would only make things worse for them both in the long run.

At these words Black's eyes sharpened like a bird of prey's, narrowing in on the other two. They duly cowered, but were unable to tear their eyes away.

"_No,_" he rumbled dangerously. "They _don't._ Do you, boys?" he asked them with malicious confidence.

"Know what?" the two chorused together, eyes still wide from fear.

"Good. Now run along back to the castle."

That brought them of their terrified stupor. "What? But the match isn't over yet!"

Black growled. _Actually_ growled, bared teeth and everything. That silenced them again. "You must not have _heard_ me. I said _leave_, before something worse than expulsion befalls you."

"Come on lads," Rupert said reluctantly. "It's best for everyone. If they see us, everyone is ruined."

"No," said Sirius assuredly. "Just you."

"Not that we would, but we could tell on them too," Roo pointed out... with as much respect as he could muster for the dark haired man before him.

He chuckled. "What would you do? Tell the Headmaster? McGonagall?" He started laughing even louder. It sounded rather like a bark. "Tattling on them would only be admitting your own guilt."

"But if they told on us, they'd be kicked out just as we would," Angleton pointed out.

"She has permission from the Headmaster to be here," he retorted, now amused at the argument.

"Dumbledore... _approves _of this?"

Again the handsome man laughed. "I wouldn't be surprised if he arranged it himself." The smiled very suddenly vanished again. "But he most certainly would _not_ approve of _your_ presence here, and I'm sure you wouldn't want _them_ to see you here either. Quickly now, my generosity is dwindling every second you stand there with those gormless expressions."

The freezing wind and icy rain made it a very uncomfortable four hour ride back to Hogwarts. By that evening all of them had come down with colds and could do absolutely nothing about them, since the Hospital Wing had run out of those provisions long ago. They lounged in front of the fireplace in Rupert's large sitting room.

"That was not worth it," he declared after sneezing three times in rapid succession.

"I dunno. We got that playbook, and we saw an excellent three hours..." sniffled Colum, carefully avoiding the obvious topic.

Angleton was not so tactful. "Are we allowed to talk about it just between us?" he asked.

"No," said Davies and Rupert as one.

"Just forget you saw anything Archie," said Davies authoritatively.

'_That's what I've been doing all year_,' Roo thought.

x

Three out of the five people who stumbled out of the fire in the Hogshead were disappointed. The Holyhead Harpies had won, 290 to 140. It had been a tie game when Niamh Entwistle snagged the snitch from right behind the Wasps' seeker. As a group they entered the Hogshead where the men ordered drinks and rehashed every detail of the match. While Sirius was disappointed at the defeat, it was still relaxing, enjoyable, sitting there with those closest to him discussing a subject so innocuous. Actually, not everyone was talking. Lily didn't say much, just sat their listening with a grin, while Remus... Remus was staring hard at her, his forehead wrinkled as if trying to solve some terribly complex problem her face presented that only he could see.

"It was barely cobbing at all, getting a penalty shot for that was ridiculous. Abrantes was an alright ref, but that call..." Sirius put in before going back to observe the silent pair at the end of the table. Peter and James began to argue about how much use qualified as 'excessive' and didn't hear what Remus whispered.

Lily had finally noticed the werewolf was looking at her and she cocked her head to the side questioningly.

"Are you alright?"

Lily looked confused, and Sirius let out a bark of laughter at Peter's latest lewd metaphor, keeping up appearances. "I'm fine, why?"

"You seem... different."

Lily shrugged. "I feel well enough."

"Well? Or just well enough? "he asked.

Lily laughed. "I feel fine, Remus. Don't worry."

"Hmm." His browed lined again in confusion, back to his puzzle.

Lily's laugh tinkled again. "You look so solemn. Honestly, I've never felt better." She reached across the table and gave his hand a squeeze. "You worry too much."

He managed to smile weakly at her before turning his attention to the Quidditch conversation and Sirius quickly made a joke about Bagman's bludger blundering.

.

"I'd still say that the Wasps played the better game," James slurred in conclusion as they walked out of the pub. "Seeker aside. Wasps get stronger and stronger as the game goes on, the Harpies would have tired."

"Prongs, no one is arguing with you," Peter pointed out before hiccoughing.

"Nor could they! Where's Lily? Lily? Lililililily!"

"I'm right here, James," she answered from his side, sounding as if she were trying very hard to be patient.

He turned to her and smiled broadly. "I love you." Though of course no one doubted its truth, the declaration would have been more impressive had it not been so drunkenly delivered.

"Thank you dear, but I think it might be time for a sobering charm."

"Aww... no I'm fine. Tip top form! Amn't I, Wormtail?"

"Couldn't be toppier!" Peter agreed.

Sirius grinned, not wishing to sober up either.

"You can't apparate home, you'll splinch yourselves, all of you."

"Cept me," said James.

"Except you," she allowed. Of course that was only because he didn't have to apparate to get home, but he seemed proud of himself nonetheless.

They winded their way back to the castle. He, James and Peter were in the front while Lily and Remus hung back, speaking lowly to each other. At one point they stopped walking and faced each other.

"What's going on there?" James asked Sirius after having turned around to check on her, as he did every minute or so.

"Moony being Moony," Sirius replied, then lowered his voice even more. "If he feels indebted to her for saving his life, I expect he'll be overly protective of his little cub for a while. You know how he is. How wizards are in general, actually."

"Saved his life?" asked Wormtail, startled.

"Apparently he'd had some silver poisoning in his blood which... which would have proved fatal had Lily not taken steps to prevent it," answered James, sounding much more sober than he had not 10 minutes before.

"So that's why he was so off last full moon," said Peter, understanding.

"Right in one, Wormtail," said Sirius.

x

"Lily," James called behind him. Both she and Remus stopped talking. "We're almost in sight of the castle. Best put on the cloak."

She took the cloak, but surprised him by throwing it over both of them, leaving them visible from the shins down. Once hidden, she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling his face down to hers. Surprised but not unpleased by this sudden affection, he pressed her more tightly into him. After a moment he let his hands roam, a liberty he wouldn't have taken had they been visible. He ignored the comments the others made.

When they broke apart and she pulled the cloak off again. "That was..." He cleared his throat. "Thank you. Any particular reason?"

She shrugged. "Just because. But I will leave you in a moment, I'm going to stay at Hagrid's for a bit, to pick up Jarvey and have a chat. I feel like I never see him anymore."

"Nonsense. You saw him just last..." His face scrunched up trying to remember.

"Tuesday," she answered. "I used to see him every day. He'll think I don't care anymore."

"No he won't."

"All the same I'd like to sit with him for a bit."

"Actually," interjected Remus, "if it wouldn't be intruding, I was hoping to have a word with Hagrid myself. Something he mentioned at the meeting about magical beasts..." He stopped talking, looking slightly shamefaced. Everyone knew it was because he considered himself a member of that particular group.

Lily's lips pursed together for the barest moment. She was suppressing something, whether it was expressing that she wanted to go to Hagrid's alone or simply a recrimination to Remus for thinking that way, he couldn't tell. James had learned to read the minute changes in her countenance and was fairly good at reading her emotions. Her thoughts, however, continued to elude him.

"Alright," she agreed. Turning back to James and handing him back the cloak she said, "Should you take it then? Peter can transform and you can go under the cloak. And Sirius, well, people wouldn't be surprised to see him strolling into my rooms."

That still irked him, though he knew it shouldn't. It wasn't any species of jealousy, it was only possessive pride. He pushed it away. "So I'll see you in a bit?"

"Mmhmm." He kissed her again before covering himself with the cloak and rejoining Sirius and Peter, who were only a few steps ahead and had doubtlessly heard the whole thing.

"Something occurs to me, Prongs," said Sirius once they back inside the castle.

"What might that be, Padfoot?"

"Yesterday you made mention of a story about indigestion to recount at a later time."

James grinned, and seeing as the two people most likely to disapprove weren't there he told his story of getting stuck in a toilet at the ministry with the unknowing man and vanishing the door to escape.

"And he shouted, 'You won't get away with this, Blackadder! I'll get you one of these days!" James accompanied this with a shaking of his wand in his fist, although he hadn't actually seen the man do it, he was sure he had. It was the typical gesture that accompanied such statements.

Sirius and Peter burst out laughing.

"Whoever the real Blackadder is I like him," said Peter. "Who was it we used to do that to back in the day?"

"Stebbins," James replied, feeling an odd mixture of pleasure and guilt at the memory. This was something he ought to feel ashamed of.

When Lily and Remus joined them later she immediately perched on the armrest of his seat and started gently raking through his hair. He leaned his head back against her chest, _much_ more comfortable than the arm chair, and closed his eyes to enjoy the sensations.

Later, he didn't know how much, she whispered in his ear, "_Coming to bed?_" To emphasise her point she began to suck on the lobe.

Yes, yes he was.

He stood up and made a show of stretching that he was sure fooled no one and said, "We'll it's late, I think we're going to call it a day."

"Uh huh," said Peter.

"Of course," agreed Sirius.

Remus just cleared his throat and continued looking elsewhere.

Cloak mostly in place he quickly pulled her out of the room.

They made excellent use of secret passageways, though they probably would have made it to his rooms sooner if they hadn't kept stopping to distract themselves.

They were lying together contentedly, James absentmindedly running his fingers up and down her arm as he thought what a nearly perfect day it had been. Lily, Quidditch, friends; it really didn't get much better than that. Someday, when the war was over...

He reproached himself. There it was again, that cursed phrase, '_when the war was over...'_ He knew he couldn't afford to think like that, but it was difficult not to after days like today. Moments that gave him a taste of what the world could be like. It was as if he had stolen an entire day from a different time, a different world. Tomorrow would return them back to reality. He sighed and looked down at her. Reality wasn't so bad. He kissed her head and went back to his musings. They never really spoke about the future except and only if it was about Order business. Whether that was silent acceptance of a grim end or a precaution against tempting fate he didn't know. Waiting until the war was over to start planning their life together with her was folly. They had to live now. And so they were. James was reminded of Dover, freezing and practically naked in that tiny sanctuary of a niche. It had been so miserable and yet...

He gave her a squeeze in affectionate memory of their desperation for warmth and comfort. Here in the very depths of Hogwarts they'd created their own little niche. They were at that very moment in their own place, hidden away from the rest of the world. But he didn't need Hogwarts to have that safe haven, it could be anywhere. _Lily_ was his sanctuary, his place of refuge, his cave in the storm.

So suddenly it startled him, Lily grabbed a handful of blanket and pulled it over her, curling up into a ball beside him. Unlike previous times she didn't pull entirely away. Her forehead was pressed warmly against his side and he could feel her breath with every exhalation. He wondered what it was this time she wanted to talk about.

"James?" she began uncertainly.

"Yes?" he replied patiently, thinking that it wasn't likely he had turned into anyone else the moment she couldn't see him anymore.

It was a moment before she spoke again. "Do you— That is... I mean... Do you ever think about the future?"

Interesting, that they should have been silently dwelling on the same topic, though he wasn't surprised. Only natural that she too was wondering what life could be like.

"Of course." He wasn't going to ask any questions to lure it out of her. He wasn't going to answer with what he thought about. He was going to make it difficult for her, make her break the silence and say what she really wanted to. He was sure she would, otherwise she wouldn't be hiding.

"What's the future like?" she asked, cheating slightly but he couldn't help but grin anyway.

"Ask a centaur."

"What's _your_ future like? The one you think of..."

"Oh it changes, day to day."

"Today?"

"Today?" James stretched and sighed, sliding a hand under the blanket to comb through her hair. Actually it rather more resembled carding than combing. "Today the future is the end of a summer's day, sitting down to a nice house-elf cooked meal."

"Who?"

"Everyone. Sirius, Remus, Peter, you, me, our seven children." James was expecting her to freeze up at this suggestion. They'd never talked about... well, anything really. There was that time he thought she might be, but she wasn't. Still, it hadn't stopped him from imagining what his children would be like. Her response was far from what he had expected, which was nervousness and reluctance to talk about starting a family

"You know if you want to play too you'll have to make it six," she pointed out.

"Oh." He hadn't actually thought of that. "I'll be the coach, naturally. And ref when they are ready to compete."

"No one would be foolish enough to let you referee when it's your own children playing."

The fact that she was going along with this odd little fantasy was intensely pleasurable on some unknown level of his being.

"I'd be fair about it."

"Yes, because you never pick favourites." The archness in her voice was counteracted by the kiss she placed in his stomach.

"Can you even breathe in there?" he asked.

"I'm fine." She was tracing little designs with her fingertips on his sides. Manly pride refused to allow himself to admit it tickled, and giggling was certainly out of the question. Luckily it didn't last too long, her hand settled on top.

"Why did you ask? About the future, I mean."

"I just wanted to know your mind."

"Care to reciprocate?"

She didn't answer the question. "Did you really want seven? With... with me?"

He laughed. "You _are_ an odd little thing!"

She moved away, cutting off contact.

"Aww, Lily..." he said, no longer finding amusement in this. "Why don't you tell me what's really on your mind?"

"Nothing. I just... wanted to make sure that _you_ were sure."

James was rather perplexed. "You thought otherwise? You don't see us working?"

"That's not it. I just wanted to know that we weren't imaging divergent paths."

"You were picturing seven children?" he said jokingly.

"No," she said quietly. "Not seven."

"Well seven is quite the burden to bear."

"James, please don't pun about this."

"Sorry." It hadn't even been a good pun at that. "What's wrong then? Too soon to talk about a family?"

"No," she said, and then contradicted herself by completely changing the topic. "What do you see for this summer? Do you have any plans?"

He allowed this alteration to the conversation. The near future was much less complicated and theoretical than the distant one. "Well obviously I'll go back to work full time under Moody and you'll be doing your training. I suppose I ought to start looking for a place, I gave up my flat when I came to live at the castle."

"You won't go back to your parents' house?"

"No, though I do want you to see the place before I sell it."

"Will you live in London then?"

It only then occurred to him that she kept saying 'you' instead of 'we', and he began to understand why she seemed so nervous. James realised that some parts of the future he had taken for granted, like assuming that they'd be living together. He couldn't see her having any objection to it, seeing as they were practically cohabiting already. No doubt this was just her roundabout way of asking him if that's indeed what he planned. And here she'd been worrying about something so simple. Rather than another awkward conversation he settled her fears the subtle way.

"I don't really care. Wherever you want to live is fine with me."

His tact was rewarded by trail of kisses from sternum to navel. He bit his lip to keep from saying anything about unsuitable stopping places and forced his mind back to the conversation. Voice a bit deeper, he asked, "What_ do_ you want, heart?"

"You, mainly."

_Good answer,_ he thought. _Why didn't I think to say that?_ "I'm yours. What else?"

"This," she said vaguely, caressing his lower abdomen. He was aching for her by this time, a fact that could hardly have escaped her notice.

"Deal," he said, not entirely sure what 'this' was but wholly unconcerned by it. "What else?"

"I can't think of much else, realistically."

Truth be told, he couldn't think of much else either at this stage, the way she was carrying on down there.

It was silent for a long time but she never stopped her absent minded caresses. It was driving him mad.

"_Lily_," he pleaded.

.

.

.

She slept peacefully, tucked snugly under his arm. James was on the verge of drifting away himself. He knew he would the moment he closed his eyes but for some reason he struggled to keep them open. Perhaps because he knew that when he awoke it would be tomorrow. Who would want 'tomorrow' after his 'today'? When he hadn't been making love he'd been involved in Quidditch or laughing with his friends... A perfect day... A day he didn't want to end.

Even so, his eyelids drooped and he fell asleep, leaving his day behind.

**_Author's Note: _**_Random secret about the author. I read stuff I dislike specifically because it bothers me. I shudder, look away and leave it alone, then go back and finish it. Then I read it again, it's easier the second time. I'll read it as many times as it takes so that I'm not disgusted, until I can read it and not feel anything whatever. I do this all the time. Each time it gets harder and harder to find things that disturb me. _

_._

_On a different and much lighter note my university started a writers' society, of which I am the chairperson. (hurrah for me, book club president **and **writer's society chairman, I know, I'm simply too cool. Luckily I'm the acting president of the international society and part of the fencing and poker club to balance things out.)_

_The point is that I've recommended that everyone in the society get an account at fictionpress .com so that way we can all read each others' work and critique it rather than wasting all that paper by printing out loads of copies every week and not even get through everything in the hour/hour and a half we have. Basically what I'm trying to say is that a while ago some people said that if I ever posted my own things to let you know. So I'm telling you now, while it will start off as short stories, I will probably also post what I'm hoping will turn into books someday. It would mean a lot to me if some of you could give me your opinions. I doubt you will like some of the things as much as you do this, but I'd appreciate any comments you may have. And likewise, if you enjoy creative writing at all, I urge you to make an account and put some things up, I'd love to read what you have, be it poetry, sci-fi, fantasy, mystery... and yes... even romance. I know there are a lot of you out there who write; if you want to or already have written your own things, put them out there. If you want to go along with the themes my society is doing please do, the first one is apologies, so write anything, a poem or short piece with that in mind. _

_(But if you review, please don't mention EOM, Handbasket, or that I write fanfiction. It's not that I'm ashamed... no wait, that's _exactly_ what it is. And I'm actually ashamed to admit that. Ashamed of being ashamed. Oh the shame.) Anyway, this author's note is likely to be longer than the actual chapter if I don't stop soon. I'm just saying, fictionpress .com/~kathrynsnomdeplume coming soon. I would love to hear from you and read and review your things in return. I try not to beg for reviews. Actually, I try not to beg, period. But this is important to me, and I couldn't tell you how much your feedback would mean to me._


	66. Regret to inform you

Deepest apologies.

It's that word that readers dread.

Hiatus.

Forgive me.

I didn't make this decision lightly.


	67. Once a Death Eater, Always a Death Eater

**Chapter the next: Once a Death Eater, Always a Death Eater**

Lily woke up earlier than she'd have wished to the hungry mewling pleas of the jarvey. Not that she was actually worried that James was in danger of actually waking, the man could sleep through anything, Lily still pulled on the clothes she'd worn the day before and left his room with the wee one to sit in her chair to feed him. She stifled a yawn, interrupting her humming, and wondered what time it was.

"I'd say you'll be fatter than all your siblings if you keep on like this."

He continued to guzzle happily and Lily could only grin sleepily at him, stroking him behind his tiny ears.

"Want to spend some time with uncle Sirius?" she asked him. If she was to spend her morning helping James set up various curse deflection areas, she'd rather not have Jarvey with her in harm's way.

She found Peter sprawled across her couch, one arm dangling carelessly off the side; the only part of the blanket that wasn't spilling onto the floor was wrapped around his middle. As she crossed the room she adjusted it to cover the rest of him. His mouth turned up in a somnolent smile. For a moment she thought that the faint whine had come from the dying fire, for she'd heard burning logs make such odd sounds before, but when she automatically looked towards the noise, she found an enormous black dog in front of the fire, twitching unhappily in his sleep.

"Snuffles..." she whispered pityingly, lowering herself to the floor next to the convulsing canine. She ran a hand through the hair down his neck, massaging the loose skin behind the ears.

She rather wished she had a pet. Jarvey she'd have to give up soon, and Ebony, though a lovely bird, wasn't exactly cuddly. It was calming, stroking him that way, but it didn't last long for Sirius jerked awake. Seeing Lily there, he transformed back into the man, giving her a look a mild disapproval, crossing his arms over his chest. Lily sighed in disappointment, slumping against the table leg.

"If you are feeling at all generous," she began quietly, "you might change back and give me five more minutes with Snuffles."

He studied her for a moment then, after looking to the couch to make sure Peter was still sleeping (so that there would be no witnesses to his kindness, no doubt) changed back into a dog and flopped back down beside her without a word. She wrapped her arms around the massive beast's neck before stroking him again.

"I always wanted a dog to play and cuddle up with," she stated, startling herself. Seeing as she'd gone that far, she decided to carry on anyway. "My parents would never let us, no matter how much Petunia and I begged. I understand now why we couldn't but still..."

His tail thumped the floor.

"Such a long time ago..."

Thump.

"And yet, childish desires aren't ever forgotten are they? Even if they are put away..."

Thump thump.

She sighed and leaned over to kiss the top of the dog's head and scratched his ears again. It placed its head in her lap, apparently forgetting that this was supposedly humiliating and simply enjoyed the attention instead.

"Good boy," she said, pretending that he _was_ just a dog and not one of her dearest loved ones. This idle affection was just that. Idle. How long had it been since she spent her spare time doing that with someone other than James? She'd been worrying about neglecting Hagrid, but what of everyone else? Had she discarded her other friends to spend time with James? To a certain degree, she was certain she had and was ashamed of herself. She suddenly wanted more tea times with Hagrid, more Chocolate Frog race nights with Roo, more stargazing in the astronomy tower with Sirius, more long conversations with Remus in the Shrieking Shack. Not that she'd ever spent much time with Remus _before_ she and James got together, but still. After the previous day she wanted to pull her own closer to her, suddenly more protective.

"If there is ever anything you want or need.... well, you probably would never deign to ask me, but..."

The dog shifted uncomfortably.

"I know," she apologised. "I'm just saying the offer stands. Always." She kissed the dog's head again, gave him a final squeeze and rose to go to her room to shower.

As she had already deduced by then, Remus was the lucky one who got the bed. He looked heart-warmingly comfortable there tangled in the blankets, his hair in charming boyish disarray. For once, she resisted the urge to run her fingers through it. She made sure to put a silencing charm around her bathroom so that the sound of the running water wouldn't wake him.

When Lily stepped out of her bathroom however, the werewolf stirred, sniffing the air.

"Go back to sleep," she told him, pushing the fringe away from his forehead. "Sorry to wake you."

He mumbled something incoherent and snuggled further into the bedding. Eyeing the clock she noted it was only half passed five. Picking the jarvey back from it's basket, she told it, "It's your fault you know."

"Crumb bum."

Quietly as she could, Lily increased the fire, and yawned again as she crossed the room. Pushing open the portrait hole she heard a questioning canine sound, a sort of growl that ended in a whimper. She turned around to see the dog's head curiously cocked to one side. She patted her leg, silently calling him to her and he bounded to her. Her first intention had been to have tea in the kitchens, but since she had Sirius for company she put to him another idea.

"Since you are coming with, care to pop into the forest for a bit?"

He made a doggish noise she took to mean affirmation to her proposal, so they walked out the main doors and towards the forest. Once they were safely hidden in the trees he transformed back into the handsome man still clad in the black and yellow of a Winbourne Wasps supporter. Lily sent her patronus to Mercury and sat to the side as Sirius took the bottle and went about the business of filling it.

She was elated to hear the hammering of fast hooves approaching, though she heard Sirius' breath intake sharply as his hand twitched for his wand before relaxing again. His momentary alarm passed so quickly that anyone who didn't know him well and was watching very closely wouldn't have recognised it for what it was. She didn't affront the man by showing any acknowledgement that she'd noticed his fleeting panic.

Mercury was... beautiful. He always had been, but he was entirely grown and had lost all of his youthful charisma. Instead he looked stately, mature, powerful and untouchable. She touched him anyway, of course. She'd never been ones to keep her hands away from where they shouldn't be, her current relationship being proof enough to that particular fault in her character.

"How have you been, boy?" she asked, placing Jarvey into Sirius' lap and standing so she could look the unicorn better in the eye, stroking his long nose. He stamped a hoof on the ground, a gesture she didn't quite know how to interpret. Without thinking she changed into a doe and she and Mercury made a wide circle around the Jarvey den, keeping Sirius in sight at all times.

She was struck by how not only his appearance had changed, but his entire air, he'd gained something, a maturity that comes with growing responsibilities and awareness of the world around him. His strong silence was reassuring, his confidence, consoling. Not only was he much larger, but he seemed older than she as well; unicorns were after all timeless creatures, wise by nature and pure by the same token. Months ago she had been the one to comfort him, now their situations seemed to be reversed.

A time later Sirius approached, slowly and reverently. He cleared his throat and addressed, not Lily but Mercury. "She ought to be getting back now before the sun's up." The unicorn's nostrils flared but he seemed to acknowledge the request, then nudged her neck with his nose and cantered off. They watched him go. Once he was completely out of sight they turned back to head for the castle, Lily not yet ready to be human again.

Sirius inspected her closely, and she realised this was the first time he'd seen her transformed. He stroked her back and muttered, "so much smaller than Prongs."

Even when she changed into herself again his hand remained around her shoulders and gave her a squeeze. Halfway up the stone stairs to the great wooden main castle doors she stopped and pivoted on the spot, plopping herself down right there. He gave her a questioning look and she just pointed to the east and the rising sun. He smiled wanly and sat next to her, pulling out his silver cigarette case. A moment later a cloud smelling of warm honeycomb escaped his lips and she rested her head on his shoulder, the better to appreciate the moment. He casually slung his free arm over her shoulders again and began idly twirling a lock of her hair. _Unfair_, she thought, knowing that he'd never let her play with _his_ hair like that. She wasn't going to complain though; the silence was too lovely to spoil.

When the great oak doors groaned, Lily gripped her wand and Sirius gripped her shoulder, angling himself consciously or otherwise, to place himself between Lily and whoever it was that was exiting. She came out with her back facing them, tugging on the great door handles to pull it closed behind her. Lily instantly relaxed and lowered her wand, her ease carrying instant assurance to Sirius. She may not particularly care for Professor Dippet, but the witch didn't merit a drawn wand. She smirked as she put her head back on Sirius' shoulder thinking that she wouldn't even need a wand to take on the Muggle Studies professor. Lily had seen her struggling with a simple colouring charm. She'd never told anyone about it; she didn't want other students to lose respect for their teacher simply because she had. Her dislike for Dippet was almost entirely personal and, tempting though it may be, she wasn't going to ruin the woman's magical reputation for her own petty reasons.

It was a moment before Dippet even noticed them, by which time she and Sirius had assumed and even cuddlier position.

"Oh," was all she said upon seeing Lily snuggled up with Britain's most prominent playwizard. Neither she nor Sirius made any reply outside of staring impatiently at her. Lily wasn't doing anything wrong, and yet she was just waiting for Dippet to threaten to take away house points.

Sirius raised a regal eyebrow and cleared his throat condescendingly as if to say, 'Do you mind, woman?'

"Oh, I uh... Good morning."

"It _was_," he stated laconically.

Lily suppressed a smirk and took his hand in hers and stood. "Come on, let's go back to bed," she said quietly, though knowing Dippet could hear. Then she turned to address the witch herself. "Good morning, Professor."

She tugged Sirius through the doors, which she opened magically and without a wand... (not that she was trying to show off in front of Dippet, of course) and when they closed behind them she said, "That woman has an uncanny talent for ruining my mood."

Sirius, apparently not bothered at all, contrary to how he'd acted, kissed her on top of the head and suggested, "Tea in the kitchens?"

As they sipped their warm beverages. Lily explained her plans for the rest of the day. "Then to the Hogshead with Frank and Alice Longbottom. You should come," she offered hopefully.

"No, Cariad, I think not."

"Why not?"

"Because..." One of his famous dangerous grins began to transform his face.

"Because why?"

"Because I wouldn't want to ruin their little afternoon."

"You wouldn't ruin it."

"Oh, but I would. He despises me, you see," he said with a level of cheerfulness and pride that doesn't usually accompany such statements.

"You must not care for his opinion, then."

"What?" he asked, genuinely confused. "No, I hold him and his opinion in the highest esteem. He's a bright sort of fellow and I respect him enormously."

Lily replayed that in her mind and tried to find the sarcasm, but failed. She could only hear the truth. "Why?" she asked.

"We lived in the same dorm for 7 years, Cariad. He's one of the few people whose reasons for disliking me are perfectly justified and uncontrived."

"And therefore, you like him?"

"I didn't say I _liked_ him, just that I respected him."

"Because he hates you for _you_?"

"Precisely."

Yes... she could understand that, she thought as she placed her teacup back on its saucer. Sirius would respect a man who saw passed the blood and reputation, the face and the family history, and disliked him on account of his character and actions. Perhaps because Sirius had slept with one of Frank's ex-girlfriends while they were at school, or perhaps they simply didn't get along. Sirius could be quite trying, Lily had to admit. What was that he had once said? '_I'm not a nice man, and you're lucky I like you.'_ True, Sirius wasn't what one might call gregarious, yet he garnered the affection and adoration of total strangers. Nor was he evil and malevolent, and yet there were those who would immediately assume so. Few people truly knew the real Sirius Black, and whether he made a favourable impression or not, he respected for at least being rightly seen.

Lily could only admire Sirius for taking up that attitude. She tended to dwell on the negative things no matter who it was or how just or unjust their judgments may be.

"I wish I could be more like you," she said sullenly.

Sirius threw back his head and let out a barking laugh. "Cariad, I think you're better off as you are," he said, giving her a hearty slap on the back.

x

Remus moaned and stretched in the comfort of this unaccustomed luxuriousness. With a bed like the Head Girl's it was a marvel Lily, and James too for that matter, could ever tear themselves away from it in the mornings. He had half a mind to stay there for another hour but the aroma and sounds, (breakfast food and yet another of Lily and Sirius' arguments respectively) floating through the bedroom door drew him out. Barefoot and scratching his head, he padded out into her living room. Peter appeared to be applying himself to eggs and toast while the other two continued to harp on each other.

"If you aren't cheating, you aren't trying hard enough!" Sirius told her, almost angrily.

"That's not true!" she shouted back as if offended.

"Morning," Remus greeted them sleepily.

"Good morning," all three greeted back. "Brought you some breakfast," Lily said pleasantly as she stood tip toe to kiss him on the forehead.

He sloppily returned the gesture and said, "Thanks." Grabbing a piece a toast, he asked, "So what's the debate?"

"Sirius says that the only way to win is to cheat."

"That isn't what I said at all you little swot. I only said that if you aren't willing to cheat, then you clearly don't want to win badly enough."

"What kind of victory would that be?" she countered. "One where you have clear and unfair advantage over your opponent."

"Arranging that you have the advantage to assure you win is simply called good strategy."

Lily didn't respond, her lips just pursed together in contemplation. Sirius continued, advancing to lean over her to whisper. "The only reason you don't cheat at games is because the victory isn't appetising enough. But think, my dear little hypocrite, of the rules _you_ broke because of how much you wanted something. _Someone_, I should say."

She stopped staring at the fire and turned to look at Sirius. He merely chuckled and shrugging his shoulders said in a voice dripping with silky confidence, "All's fair..." He didn't finish the phrase. He didn't have to. In things that mattered, like love and war, any steps, so long as they were taken to attain victory, were allowable. _To a certain extent_, Remus had to amend. He and Sirius never saw entirely eye to eye on some things.

Suddenly, in a blur of black robes and red hair, the girl had the dark haired man pinned in a hug and unleashed a flurry of kisses on his face.

Sirius growled angrily and pried her off of him, giving her an award worthy scowl. Her laugh tinkled blithely and she skipped to the door. "All's fair!" she said merrily, and disappeared into the corridor.

"Bloody chit," Sirius hissed under his breath, wiping his cheek with the back of his hand.

"I'm rather fond of her myself," Remus agreed with a grin. Peter chuckled.

Sirius rolled his eyes and said, "Bah," with more exhaustion than rancour.

x

In that sleeping fog that still confuses the newly waked mind, James reached for Lily to pull her in and retreat back into the vapours of slumber again.

Except she wasn't there. After the usual split second of feeling loss and panic he just groaned and rolled over to check the time. Ten passed seven. What on earth could have dragged her out of bed before seven on a Sunday morning? He groaned and sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

"Oh, I wasn't expecting you to be awake," came Lily's voice from the door. He turned to look at her; she appeared to have been in the midst of removing her shoes. "I was just going to crawl back into bed but if you are up for the day, I'll take the stasis charm off breakfast and bring it in." The rising intonation made it a question.

"Mmm, do both," he suggested smiling. She smiled back and kicked off her other shoe, simultaneously summoning a tray from his office. She jumped into bed next to him, snuggling into his side as his breakfast settled itself on his lap. "Come here," he said, tilting her face towards him so he could kiss her before digging in to the meal she had so considerately brought him. Or was it consideration at all? He wondered if she put any thought into these actions or if this was simply the way she was. He'd put his galleons on the latter, and _if_ the former, he felt monstrously guilty for not putting forth equal effort.

"Lily?" he began conversationally.

"Yes, James?" Her smile was playful, teasing, as if she were making fun of him.

"Never mind." He took a large bite of his toast and marmalade. It was a stupid question to ask anyway. She simply closed her eyes and lay back on the pillows, yawning.

"So tired," she mumbled.

"Go back to sleep then."

"But when you're finished we have to set up the classroom for tomorrow's lesson, and then you have Basra coming in at noon."

"We can set up after that."

She shook her head. "Hogsmeade with Frank and Alice."

"After that then."

"I have to patrol with Flitwick tonight and I was hoping to talk to Roo before that, which is when you sir, will plan your other years' lessons for tomorrow and Tuesday."

"Right." _Right._ "And Sirius is taking my third years tomorrow so..." he trailed off pensively.

"What? Why?"

He filled her in about what he'd seen in the Research Room on Friday.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I just did."

"Notes!" Suddenly the notebook was zooming across the room into her awaiting hand. She flipped them open to the latest page and bit her lip as she thought things over again. "Hmm."

They discussed it as he finished his breakfast, and he related the entire Austria affair as he got ready for the day. He was recounting the mountain troll incident while he was in the shower, and consequently got shampoo in his mouth. She handed him a towel when he stepped out. Even though they were perfectly capable of drying charms, most witches and wizards still kept towels around. He never really knew why. Modesty's sake, he supposed. And yet it was only Lily, so he didn't know why he bothered. He shrugged and wrapped it around his waist anyway and checked his reflection in the mirror, rubbing his jaw. No, he'd shave tomorrow, couldn't be bothered with it now.

"And then what?" she asked.

He realised he'd stopped talking to ponder towels and razors. "And after regrouping and debriefing the others we were found. It was Gideon who deflected the curse that hit me. He felt rotten about it, of course. Told him these things happen. 'Fraid I spared him and took it out on the 7th years."

"They weren't traumatised, despite you taking off your shirt." she assured him, quirking her eyebrow disapprovingly. "And it's in their best interest, even if it wasn't on the curriculum."

"Hmph."

"So let's get to it then." She took his hand and dragged him into the office. He cast one last look at the empty bed and breakfast tray before following after.

"Right," he began. "Basically the idea is we create several stations, I'm thinking perhaps getting rid of the desks for the moment and taking 5 feet of wall space per student and put up a target within their area. Cast a curse against the wall, have the wall bounce it back, deflect it as close to the target as possible."

"And if they miss and deflect it to the wall again?"

"Well then it keeps coming back until they get it right."

"Or until they themselves get hit," she pointed out. She pulled her wand out of her hair to start working and a mass of auburn tumbled down as a consequence. He grinned and kissed her before they began.

Two hours and several prototypes later they had a basic working model. The stretch of stone wall was enclosed by two barriers on either side, invisible so that James could more easily observe his students. It took even longer to contrive a working target. Provided that students used _only_ a stunning spell, then the target would remain undamaged each time it was hit, however the students, should they fail to block it properly, stood to suffer for it. James would constantly be reviving his students throughout the class. Other hexes ruined the target the moment they hit. In the end, they decided on a simple stinging hex. The target wouldn't be affected and it would only cause the students mild discomfort.

Another two hours produced a semicircle of perfected practice cages around the classroom, one for every student. They began a friendly competition after that. Lily charmed the target, not only to count the number of times it was hit, but to move to a different location as well. Firing curses before their last one had been deflected, keeping up a constant stream of firing and defending. They were both perspiring when the door opened.

"Professor?"

James deflected the final hex and didn't cast a new one, but turned around to face his student. "Just a moment." He turned back to Lily. "Stop, it's not fair that you can keep going when I can't."

"Too bad," she said, the tally counter on her target continuing to rise.

"_Cheater_," he hissed, and fired three different hexes into her enclosure.

She yowled in protestation and furiously tried to block them all. She did, barely, but didn't get them all to the target, leaving her with four stray curses bouncing about her cage.

He crossed the room to Udita Basra, ignoring Lily's loud, "Damn you!" and hoping the Ravenclaw did too. Judging by the girl's shocked expression however, probably not.

"Just ignore her," James told Basra who seemed to have her wide eyes glued on the redhead. "Seventh year project," he explained quickly. "Now, about your question..."

Ten minutes later he was still speaking with Basra when Lily collapsed to the ground. He started from his seat just as the classroom door opened and Sirius, Remus, and Peter strode in. All three men took in the scene with one swiping glance.

"What have you done to her?" asked Sirius. Remus, meanwhile, was already striding across the room to her.

"Lily?" he asked worriedly.

"Yes Remus?" she answered conversationally, if a bit breathless. James sighed in relief.

"What's wrong?"

"James Sodding Potter, that's what," she answered. All four marauders snorted in amusement.

"Been working you too hard, has he, Cariad?"

"He cheated," she told them.

"You cheated first," James defended.

"And now I'm taking a nap," she explained. Her chest was still heaving in effort to catch her breath.

"Excellent!" cried Peter who followed Lily's example and lay out across the floor. "Bloody hell, not exactly comfortable, is it?" He stood up again, giving the hard stone floor a censorious look.

"It is if you are tired enough," she responded, chuckling slightly at Peter.

Sirius laughed, his hair curtaining his face from all but Lily as he looked down at her on the floor.

"We came by to say we're off," Peter told him.

James nodded, he'd assumed as much. He wondered at first why they'd stayed this long, but put it down to young men's stomachs and house elf cooking.

"Do you need healing? Were you hit with anything?" Remus persisted.

"No, I'm fine." She finally sat up and allowed Remus to pull her to her feet. "Thank you." She turned to Padfoot. "Sirius my dear," she said holding out her hand. He took it in his and turned to James.

"We'll leave you to your pedagogy. I better see that she eats something." The group left, uttering their goodbyes and he waved them off before turning back to his student.

"My apologies for the interruption, Miss Basra. My friends are... an interesting lot." The girl opened her mouth, clearly about to ask a question but she closed it again, probably because the query had nothing to do with Defence Against the Dark Arts.

x

Rupert sat in his common room, nursing his cold the best he could, putting off doing his homework for as long as possible. When he heard the knock at his door he shut his eyes tightly, willing whoever it was to go away and let him be wretched in peace. But, that wouldn't be a very responsible thing for the Head Boy to do, so he was about to shrug off his blanket to answer the portrait hole when it swung open anyway.

In walked Lily, an impossible mixture of self-possession and self-consciousness. "Hey Roo," she greeted. "Bad time?"

"Bad day," he corrected, pointing to his swollen red nose and 'bundled up' status.

She instantly frowned and came over to him, feeling his cheeks and forehead. "Hmm."

"It's just a cold," he informed her. "Hospital Wing already ran out of the Pepper-Ups you said you brewed with Slughorn."

"Already? That's... disheartening." Still she charmed a cool flannel for his forehead and called a house elf to bring him some soup. It was nice, being molly-coddled every now and again. He hid his grin by taking his first sip of broth.

"Must say this is perfect timing, I've hit a brick wall with my potion's essay. I have another eight inches and I'm stuck."

"What's it on?"

"Dittany versus shrivelfigs in anti-inflammatory potions."

Her smile widened. "Did you come up with that topic yourself?"

"I did," he said. "Thought it was a good idea at the time. Now I'm not so sure."

"It's a brilliant idea." She held out her hand, palm facing upward, as if she were waiting for something. He shouldn't have been surprised to see his essay float perfectly into her expecting grasp. She unrolled it and quickly began reading. "Oh, but it's _Dictamnus albus _that prevents scarring, _Origanum dictamnus_ is the aphrodisiac from Crete."

His eyes widened as she crossed out the mistake with her muggle writing stick and wrote the correction above it. "Thanks for that!" he said, utterly sincere. He'd have made a right fool of himself if she hadn't caught that mistake.

As the jarvey crawled out of her robes and began exploring the couch, Lily continued skimming his essay at an inhuman pace. "Well," she said when she was finished a moment later. "I think you could easily get another eight inches if you add a section on how they each react to leech juice, especially if you take a few lines to describe its properties first. Completely doable."

"Thanks," he said, then added slyly. "And... just what _are_ their reactions to leech juice?" Of course she knew what he was doing but she didn't look at all upset by it. It wasn't as if he was actually asking her to write the rest of the essay for him, he was just drawing from an available and reliable resource... that being his potion genius best friend.

"Do you have time for this?" she asked playfully. "I could go on for hours."

"I'll stop you if need be."

She giggled slightly before starting off on her topic. "Well first of all it depends on if the leech juice is in the base, or if it's an ingredient added later..." Roo sat back in his seat and got comfortable, knowing he was in for a lecture. This actually didn't bother or bore him. Lily had always explained things a way that was neither tedious nor condescending. She had a gift, it seemed, of knowing the level of whomever she was talking to, and adjusted to them. She didn't make anyone feel stupid. Quite the opposite, she made things so easy to understand that one felt intelligent; concepts seemed easier to grasp. Rupert, however, knew she was simplifying for him and everyone else she tutored, but that was only because he'd often overheard her and Slughorn enthralled in conversations where _everything_ had gone over his head. No doubt she could write the entire four foot essay on this one little topic that he hoped to stretch into eight inches. She was giving him much more information than he needed, but he didn't stop her. The knowledge would do him no harm and Lily got a kick out of sharing her passion with others. Roo got the impression that she didn't get to do so often, with anyone other than the Potions Master."... even with potions as basic as a simple Shrinking Solution," she said, coming to a pause.

"Right." He noticed that Nostradamus and the jarvey were sleeping next to one another.

"Shall I go on or have I bored you to death yet?"

"Hold for just a tick while I write some of that down, actually." He jotted down the main points and some details he'd put in his essay and asked, "If I wanted to check up on this information, which books would I need?" Not that he didn't trust her, of course, but he'd need to cite the source of his material and he couldn't very well say '_Word of mouth: Lily Evans, 1979'_ although since it was for Slughorn, it just might work...

Lily scribbled down a bibliography for him in less than perfect penmanship and sat back against her seat, worrying her lip.

"Something on your mind?" he asked casually.

"Actually, I did come here for a reason."

"That being...?"

She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, typical for when she was trying to build up that Gryffindor courage or keep down that redheaded temper. Given the circumstances he was inclined to think it the former.

"I'm sorry." It took her another few moments before she expounded. "You've been wonderful, always. And I've been rotten."

"You just came in here and fussed over me and my essay," he countered, but he knew where this conversation was leading and he did his best not to look too eager. Finally, _finally_ she was going to confide in him.

She waved his point aside as unimportant. "I trust you, Roo, implicitly, you know that, right?"

"Right."

"And I only haven't told you sooner because... well I trust you with my life but I couldn't bear to disappoint you."

"What could you have done that would disappoint me?" It wasn't out of the realm of possibility. He wasn't a fool, people made mistakes, even Lily Evans. Yesterday's Quidditch match was proof enough of that.

"I'm afraid, deathly afraid you won't approve... of the person I'm seeing." Her eyes were so wide and full of apprehension he almost wanted to... _laugh_. He fought the urge and only half succeeded. He snorted, consequently spewing snot from his nostrils which he hastily wiped away with his handkerchief. Lily mistook it for a sneeze and said bless you, which almost made him lose all gravity and burst out laughing anyway. He had to take a few moments to try and calm himself. She misinterpreted his silence for anger. "I know I should have told you sooner I was seeing someone, and if you are angry with me you are more than within your rights... I just... don't want to lose you over this Rooey."

"So you didn't tell me because you didn't think I'd approve of him?" he asked. Strangely enough, _that_ reason had never occurred to him. He'd never imagined that she would be afraid of _him_ or his reaction. He had wondered if she doubted his ability to keep it secret, which had been insulting. Even worse, to think that he wasn't worthy of the information was just painful, especially since he'd tried so hard to be responsible. To know that she simply didn't want to disappoint him was almost an overwhelming comfort.

Lily nodded, and swallowed hard. By the sheen in her eyes he could tell how upset she truly was over this.

"What's not to approve of? He's powerful wizard, intelligent, a Gryffindor and a Quidditch player. Plus he's an auror, which is what you've been aiming for since fourth year. And he obviously cares a great deal for you, judging by how protective he is."

"You knew," she said, rolling her eyes and trying to smile, perhaps she was trying to keep those tears from falling. That had almost come out '_Of course_ you knew.' Rupert suspected.

"Before you did, I imagine."

This time she did chuckle and wiped away the tears with the back of her hand. Roo almost handed her his handkerchief, but decided against it, seeing as it was a fair sight filthier than her fingertips.

"We were afraid you'd never actually get together."

"_We_?" she asked, aghast.

"Black," he spat. "I thought that after Christmas I wouldn't have to associate with him anymore but he keeps... popping up." _Or sneaking up from behind, rather._ He was still bitter he didn't see the end of the match.

"You? And Sirius?" she asked disbelieving. That was alright, even _he_ was still in denial.

"Believe me, neither one of us was happy about it. But you two didn't stand a chance otherwise, so--"

She dove at him, hugging him tightly and kissing him. "I'm sick," he reminded her.

"I don't care. You're wonderful and I love you."

"Likewise," he said amusedly. Luckily he'd already finished the soup, or he'd have scalding liquid on his thighs to worry about.

She eventually pulled away. "Since when? And what did you do? And how did you and Sirius not kill each other?"

"Shouldn't _I_ get to ask the questions first?"

"Oh." She stopped fiddling with her robes and sat down again calmly. "Go ahead."

"When did you stop denying the whole thing and actually get together?"

"Christmas day."

He smirked. "What, did you get caught sending each other anonymous 'I love you' presents?"

"No actually, we were nearly tortured-drowned-and-frozen to death and spent an entire miserable night without wands, nearly naked in cave huddling for warmth hiding from Voldemort and his Death Eaters."

"Well, that's.... romantic too... I guess."

But that wasn't the end of the story, apparently. She went on to explain that Black had retrieved them from Dover, Black kissed Lily. Potter saw. Once healed, Potter left, after having words with Black, with the intentions of leaving Hogwarts all together. Black begged Lily to tell Potter, Lily refused. She found out that Black tried to do _something_, what he didn't get to find out, that nearly killed Snape but Potter had saved him which touched Lily. She went to go tell Potter the truth, only to find him dead in his office. The real Potter came in and dealt with what she learned had been a boggart and then...

"And then... we held hands," she finished.

The laughter which he had earlier suppressed burst from him then. It had been such a serious and gripping story up until the ending, which had come as an utter surprise.

"I'll bet you did," he told her, glad that Lily wasn't the sort that tells. Rupert didn't really need an account of Potter's hand-holding abilities, particularly when it came to the girl that had been his best friend since they were 11. "And you're happy?"

"Happier than I ever expected I would be, all things considered. But sometimes it's..." She searched for a word and came up with "difficult."

"I understand."

"And you really don't think any less of me?"

Rupert rolled his eyes. "Lils, it's not as if you are a Victoria White."

"And you haven't lost any respect for him either?"

Rupert sighed. "No." After a few moments of painful debate, he finally decided to come out and say it, humiliating though it was. Truth of the matter being that the more he learned about Potter the more he wanted to be like him. He'd even ordered a duel belt after having seen Potter's the week before. But he knew for a fact that several of the other boys had too. "He's... kind of my hero," he mumbled embarrassedly.

Lily didn't laugh at him. "Mine too," she said quietly.

"Did you ever yell at him for nearly failing you on that Defence project?" he asked curiously, wanting to divert the conversation to a less mortifying direction.

"What?"

"He said he'd fail you if he could get away with it because, and I quote, you're a vision when you're cross."

"He said that to you?" she asked, incredulous.

Roo nodded.

"James knew you knew?" Pitch and volume increased equally as she spoke.

Wincing, he nodded again.

"AND HE DIDN'T TELL ME?"

"Black didn't either," he pointed out, fingers still in his ears. No reason for Potter to get in trouble when Black was equally guilty, if not more so. He chuckled wickedly to himself at the thought of Lily bellowing at Black. To his disappointment Lily brushed that aside.

"That's just Sirius," she said, as if that exonerated him.

"Puh."

"Everyone knew except me? How frustrating!" She was growling and grinding her teeth.

"Not a good feeling, is it?" he said cheekily.

Her shoulders slumped and she gave him the sad eyes. "I'm sorry. But you might have told me you knew and saved my nerves the torment of confessing."

"Yes, but where would be the fun in that?" he asked.

Lily's eyes sparkled with malevolent glee. "You sounded exactly like Sirius just then."

"Ugh." Roo pulled a disgusted face, repulsed by the idea. "Alright I didn't tell you because I figured you hadn't told me for a reason and I was waiting until you were ready to talk about it."

"That's more Roo," she said with a smile. "Be it _entirely_ true or not."

"So I have to ask one question." He felt terribly guilty for asking, but he wanted to know.

"Go ahead."

"Don't get mad at me for asking this, I mean no disrespect, but is it a turn on? The whole, student teacher thing?"

"Actually it's the biggest turn _off_ of the relationship. The most difficult thing we have to work on. But we _are_ making progress... I think." There was a pause. "Actually," she admitted guiltily. "We avoid it as much as possible."

In Rupert's opinion there could not have been a better answer and he nodded his approval.

The topic strayed from just her and Potter, but stretched to all things wizard and muggle. Not only did she offer up her new broom, as she'd said she would, she revealed quite a bit more than he had ever imagined she was hiding, and other things he had slightly suspected. Giving no details or names other than the Headmaster's, she admitted she was working with an organisation to bring down He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, swearing him to secrecy. Surprisingly, it wasn't that secret that astonished him the most.

x

James spent the rest of his office hours completing lesson plans and for some reason he kept glancing toward the door, expecting Lily to come in and take her usual seat. It wasn't as bad as it used to be, he could get work done if she wasn't in the room, but he wasn't as industrious. He had two free hours before they had to be in Hogsmeade and he meant to spend it wisely... meaning he meant to spend it sleeping. Grabbing his cloak and satchel, he left his office for Lily's rooms.

She and Ferris were sitting at the table playing chess, the jarvey was lying across her shoulders, looking on as if it actually understood the game. He noticed his papers were gone, as they should be when anyone else was around.

"Hello," he greeted the two rather quiet occupants of the room.

"Hello," they chimed back, not looking up but staring fixedly at the board.

"Lil, where's my--"

"Nightstand," she replied.

He tugged off his over robes and flung them on the couch before leaning over her and giving her a kiss. "I'm taking a nap; wake me up when it's time to go."

"Are we going to the kitchens first?"

"No, we'll eat out."

She smiled at him. "Mmm, steak and kidney pie, my favourite." Her eyes were twinkling happily and she stood slightly to kiss him again before he went into the bedroom, collapsing into the comfort. He wondered how long Ferris would stick around. He couldn't very well kick him out, however much he wanted Lily to himself just then. James removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes. Technically, seeing as he had two spare hours he should gather those documents on the nightstand and take them to London and catch up. But if he stayed to work in the office Moody wouldn't likely let him leave. He could just dash in, grab his things, and hurry back out again.

_Or_ he could just sleep for the next two hours and the pile on the nightstand could hang itself...

He groaned, thinking that he would have time to sleep later. He'd made a promise the day before not to let his work slide. He was just sitting up when Lily tiptoed in.

"James, you have an owl." She bit her lip and looked to the ground. "It's Moody's."

"I might have known." The man had a knack for keeping from James getting too comfortable.

He followed Lily back into the living room and opened his letter.

_Come in._

_~M_

He was grateful he'd made the decision to work anyway, had he decided to sleep he'd have felt especially thwarted.

"Will you be back tonight?"

He simply handed her the note. She scanned it and frowned.

"Well that's not very explanatory," she said with a sigh. "Poor Frank."

He swore under his breath, wishing he could speak freely. As if Ferris could sense it, he stood from his chair and said, "I have work to finish, I should probably get going."

Seeing how understanding the boy was made James feel slightly guilty for always trying to brush Ferris away as if he were a nuisance rather than a friend and ally. What was worse, the boy displayed time and time again unflappable loyalty, and yet he, James, repaid him by repeatedly bruising the young Gryffindor's pride. And yet he never complained. Lily didn't either but he could tell it bothered her, by the tiny purse of her lips. The two shared a look that only best friends could interpret and Ferris shrugged and gave her a small smile before turning around to leave.

"You don't have to go," James said. "Unless you actually need to. But there is something I need to talk to you about. Tomorrow, perhaps?" He'd make all their lives much easier by just accepting the boy and taking him into his confidence.

"Does before or after Quidditch practice suite?"

"Perfect." He turned to Lily, handing her the invisibility cloak. "You take it. Make my apologies, though they of all people would understand. Try to humour Frank with any questions he may have and Alice will still be glad to see you whether I'm there or not. I don't think I need to tell you to take the passageway."

"No."

Her eyes were downcast and he lifted her chin with a finger. "I'm sorry, heart," he whispered.

"No, _I_ don't mind," she hastened to reassure him. "I just knew how much you and Frank were looking forward to this."

Conscious of, but deciding to be undeterred by, the fact that Ferris was still in the room, James leaned forward and kissed her soundly on the mouth. It was one of his finer performances, he thought, which was saying something. His record was rather lengthy and, if he did say so himself, quite laudable. The faint pink that flushed her cheeks was testimonial enough and he grinned at this minor victory.

"Mine tonight," he told her, still valiantly pretending that he didn't mind the audience. He rather suspected Ferris was valiantly pretending that he wasn't uncomfortable either and Lily was flustered too, but for other reasons which James could only be proud of. "Use the cloak."

She smirked and rolled her eyes. "Of course," she said, no doubt tired of hearing the same thing time and time again. It wasn't about keeping their relationship a secret, as she seemed to think. James hadn't forgotten that she'd nearly been killed just a few weeks ago by Mandrakes. How could he? Knowing she was in the castle with someone who most likely wanted her dead (again) was worrying enough during the daytime with other people around. Thinking of her alone in dark corridors at night was... _unpleasant_ to contemplate to say the very least. He didn't like being out of the castle entirely when she was out on patrol either. Both she and Flitwick were powerful magical beings and could take care of themselves, to be sure but that didn't stop him from worrying.

"Be careful tonight during your rounds," he couldn't help but caution. "Please."

"Of course," she replied, much more sincerely than she had before. Unconsciously or not, her fingertips went to touch where the Dragon's Eye rested against her chest. He couldn't see it, being hidden under her robes but he could feel it when he put his hand over hers. "Tomorrow's lesson plans?" she asked.

"Done," he told her and could tell she was pleased. She would have offered to do them otherwise, he knew, and he was ashamed to say he would have let her.

"Good." Her hand had left her chest and started trailing a finger up and down his leather duel belt. He mentally snorted in derisive humour, taking the gesture as a metaphor for the love making they would doubtlessly _not_ be doing tonight. That frustrating notion made him want her all the more.

"You might want to turn around this time, Ferris," he told him with an insolent smirk.

The boy smirked right back. "You might want to get a room," he said, nodding his head toward the open door just behind them.

Thinking that this was a marvellous suggestion, he took Lily by the hand and quickly pulled her into bedroom, closing the door behind them. Let Moody wait a few more minutes...

x

Lily could barely look her friend in the face when she and James had re-emerged a quarter of an hour later, but Roo was very good about it. He didn't make a single lewd remark or allude to it at all, for which she was very grateful. But it was only fair, she supposed. The situation had been reversed countless times.

They gave up on their game of chess and walked down to Hagrid's arm in arm.

Lily couldn't tell whom Hagrid was more pleased to see, herself, or Jarvey.

"Now tha's more li' it," he said approvingly. "Tha's the size he ought ter be."

Lily smiled proudly until the realisation hit, then she couldn't help but pout. "He's not all that big," she argued, plucking him off Roo's shoulder and putting him in her lap to stroke. "And his insults are still weak."

Hagrid smiled, unaware of Lily's gloomy expression. "Tha's alright. They learn how to bawl properly from their mothers."

"Oh," she said plaintively, looking down at her hands. Roo put an arm around her shoulders and gave her a squeeze.

"You knew you couldn't keep him, Lils."

"I know that. I was just thinking of that this morning but I didn't think it would be _today._"

"_Crumb bum?_"

"Don't ask me," she told it. "I'm sure I don't know."

Rupert chuckled at what he took to be an attempt at humour on her part. Little did he know she was being entirely serious. She let Jarvey nibble on her fingers, despite the occasional painful pinch from his sharpening teeth.

x

He realised that he'd moved beyond simple occlumency, which was simply the closing off his mind to others. He learned to keep his mind unblocked but had found out how to hide certain memories so the Dark Lord wouldn't see them. Many of his childhood memories were completely hidden away, but his master didn't much look in his past. But he had removed seeing her that night in the Leaky Cauldron when he was sent to seek her. That wasn't too difficult because he'd only set eyes on her for a moment. Removing one second from his memory wasn't detected by the Dark Lord. Sending her that healing spell and receiving her thank you were also things he'd hidden away in his mind. Most importantly he had blocked the memory of finding her bound by the ropes of fire and setting her free. That was the easiest to block, because he didn't _want_ to remember it. It was that moment, deep underground in the goblin mines, after he'd let her go that he realised that if he wanted to block that memory, he'd have to fabricate a new one. A minute later he turned back around and stalked back up the passage, and when he approached the place she should have been, of course he found her gone. And he had an image he could let his master see that wouldn't incriminate him.

In that moment he also thought to hide away those times in 6th and 7th year where he had indifferently read about occlumency. When Severus had first come to the Dark Lord for his initiation he could feel him filing through his mind. All those hours he spent in the library were breezed by, but he would take no chances now. If his master had any notion Severus was hiding things from him, the punishment would be severe.

The Dark Lord knew that it was indeed, Aberforth Dumbledore, the great Headmaster's own brother, who owned the Hogshead. As such he often had one of his faithful Death Eaters positioned inside, as it was also known that members of that secretive group that clandestinely fought against him often met there. He sat, hidden by his voluminous hooded cloak, as was common among the Hogshead clientele, nursing a drink.

When the famous auror couple, Frank and Alice Longbottom entered, Severus knew his master would be pleased. He cast an incredibly subtle eavesdropping charm and the rest of the sound on the pub seemed to quieten so he could more easily focus on the couple's conversation, despite the fact they were whispering amongst themselves It was mainly small talk at first, just inane chatter that had no importance. What interested him was that they seemed to be waiting for more people, which could only mean that the real conversation was bound to arrive with the others. Until then he'd have to suffer through their banal exchange. Frank Longbottom had always been lacking in personality, Severus thought. He was the stereotypical empty-headed Gryffindor, noble and took himself far too seriously. Even in his younger days in school he'd always been priggish. And of course he'd been with the same woman since 5th year. After so much time, and so little personality between them, it was hardly surprising their conversation was so lame. If they'd talk about their work or their organisation then things would no doubt get interesting, but they seemed to avoid the topic, not unwisely, Severus had to begrudgingly admit. He could only hope that he would be given something useful to take back to his master, hoping that the newcomers, whoever they may be, would bring better information, worth his time.

Just as their plates were set before them the female said, "There she is! Two more, Aberforth!"

"Just one, I'm afraid," said the new arrival. Severus' stomach plummeted at the voice. A questioning glance from the pair was answered with a simple, "He had to work; got an owl not long ago and left almost immediately."

Frank Longbottom's face fell.

"But I've been ordered to answer any questions you might have about yesterday."

'Not you!' Severus shouted furiously in his mind. Stupid girl! Why her? Of all people, why her?

He lowered his head so that she wouldn't be able to see him watching. He couldn't see their faces anymore, just their table, hands... and a lock of red hair.

"Who won?"

"The Harpies," she replied. "But the Wasps put up a helluva fight."

Was she being serious? Was Lily Evans actually talking about Quidditch or was this some kind of code?

"Go on," the male auror insisted.

She went into a wealth of detail that baffled Severus and impressed the Longbottoms. She went on about goals made by whom, and how, which plays they used and how often the keepers were blocked, each and every foul and how many players were carded.

"Lily, I had no idea you were such an enthusiast," remarked Longbottom's wife.

"Well, I'm not really. But even I can appreciate a fantastic game. Plus it's hard not to notice what's going on when you have four madmen bellowing every move of the match."

This elicited chuckles from her listeners. Severus was almost certain that she was, in fact, just talking about Quidditch. This development, while surprising, came as an enormous relief. His master would have no new reason to go after her. That was good since the Dark Lord had only recently decided that she was knocked down several places on the list of priorities. They had more important things to do than exact revenge on a girl who'd spoiled a previous plan or two. So far as things were going, they were doing much better and she was no longer an issue. This had come as a relief to Severus and he had fervently wished she'd keep her head down from now on. Seeing her come into the Hogshead tonight could have been her own death sentence, but luckily it was entirely innocent.

"I brought my omnioculars with me if you want to see a few of the replays," she said, and Severus saw her reach a pale hand into her robes and withdraw a brass coloured instrument.

"Brilliant!"

It occurred to Severus that the entire conversation might have been a set-up, a play, an excuse for the omnioculars to pass from her hands to his, and that what Frank Longbottom was watching had nothing to do with Quidditch at all. With regret he knew that his master would assume as much as well, and wouldn't forgive him for not finding out.

He had to cling to the hope that if they were to do a trade off of information, they wouldn't do it this way. Such a public display wouldn't be needed to get a pair of omnioculars from one individual to another. There were better, less noticeable ways to do it, and Severus was banking on Lily's intelligence that she wouldn't use such unsubtle tactics. The fear in his gut unclenched a bit upon hearing Longbottom's first "Woop!" as he victoriously punched the air. Of course it might be a ruse but still, it allowed Severus to hope.

The women, finding themselves alone for all practical purposes, seeing as their other companion was entirely occupied, began to talk between themselves. Severus admitted to listening more closely for reasons that had nothing to do with spying for his master.

"So Lily, how are the ears?"

"My ears?" she asked, bemused.

"Already forgotten you were nearly killed by Mandrakes then?"

"Oh that. Yeah, I guess I had. A lot can happen in a fortnight," she replied, sounding suddenly tired.

"I know you've been through a lot, and that Weyland Euphrates was a personal friend."

_Euphrates?_ The vampire? A personal friend? Severus chanced a look up to look at Lily's face to see if it were true. Her fingers were massaging her temples as if she had a headache. They were getting in dangerous territory. Again. If she was the linked with the vampire and his 'reports' then she could be put right back up on the Dark Lord's list of annoying people to be rid of.

"I have plenty of work to keep my mind occupied."

At this Alice laughed pleasantly. "He says that you are even worse about your work than he is."

Who was this 'he' they kept mentioning?

Lily just shrugged. "How have you been doing? You two don't often have time to yourselves these days, are you sure you want to be wasting your evening with me?

The older woman grinned at her. "I think Frank is enjoying himself." Both of them turned their heads to observe an excited Longbottom and giggled. "Besides, we've had the whole day to ourselves to... have to ourselves." Severus almost smiled at the familiar smirk on Lily's lips. He'd seen that before when she'd just learned something she knew she shouldn't've.

"I'm glad to hear it." She tactfully continued eating instead of making any lewd or tasteless remarks. Severus was glad for that; he didn't know how he'd feel about Lil Bit making sexual jokes.

As if the Longbottom woman knew the precise direction Severus wished the conversation _wouldn't_ take, she asked, "And you?" Severus mentally cringed in expectation.

Lily laughed hollowly. "Ah yes. I'm going to be spending plenty of quality time with Flitwick and Slughorn," she joked. Then added in explanation. "Head Girl, I'm patrolling tonight. And, as you know, I spend many of my other nights brewing with the Potions Master. It's nice being the favourite."

"Yes, I heard. But potions? Really?"

Lily snorted. "Gryffindors," she said rolling her eyes, which made Severus' lip twitch up. "This is a brilliant opportunity. I'm the _only_ student who gets to brew at all."

"You say that like it's a good thing," Frank added at random, eyes still stuck to the omnioculars.

Lily ignored him. "And while we might disagree on a few points..." Severus was intrigued by the steel in her voice, and wondered what those points could be. "He's still a brilliant Potioneer and well connected. He helped me sell my first potion patent." It took a moment for that to sink in. Pride. That's what Severus felt. For the first time in years his chest was filled with warmth and pride. "And guess what, later this week I get to meet Damocles Belby!" And jealousy. Belby was brilliant and, alas, adamantly against the Dark Lord's aims. They hadn't even tried recruiting him. Which, Severus had to allow, worked to his favour. But still, Severus envied her the meeting.

"Who?"

Lily looked slightly awkward at having been carried away by the subject. "Nobody. Never mind. It's just a wonderful opportunity..." And then she added under her breath, "... to talk to someone who knows the difference between leech and lemon juice." Severus almost laughed aloud. Thank Merlin for eavesdropping charms. When was the last time he'd felt like laughing? He couldn't even remember.

"Well, you are an excellent brewer."

"I was well taught," Lily said quietly, and the desire to laugh completely left him as did that warm pride. She had admitted it ashamedly. Yes, she was ashamed of him, he knew she was. The same way that every time he met with the Dark Lord he was ashamed of her. They were each a black mark on the other's record.

"No wonder you were chosen to be our Potion's Mistress."

Severus felt sick. _That_ would certainly get the Dark Lord's attention, and put Lily up at the top of the list of people he needed to remove. _Please stop talking. Just stop talking. Don't mention it again. _If they changed the subject immediately, then he could hide that one terrible sentence away without arousing his master's suspicions that he was editing. _Come on, Lily, just change the subject, talk about something else, something harmless, something innocuous, something that won't force me to give you over to him._

She inhaled and her lips parted. Words, potentially damning words, were on the brink of being uttered when Frank Longbottom set down the omnioculars with a clunk and said, "Thanks Lily. That was amazing. You know that last shot with...."

Severus breathed again. He never thought he'd see the day when he'd want to hug Frank Longbottom, but at that moment... well no, he _still _was repulsed by the idea, but he was overwhelmed with gratitude for the bore and felt a surge of appreciation for Quidditch. Quidditch was innocuous. Quidditch had in all likelihood just saved her life.

He was no longer curious about the rest of her life. He wanted nothing more than for her to finish her stupid steak and kidney pie and leave. No more conversation. None. There had been too many close calls already. Just shut up and get out.

She didn't, much to his chagrin, but at least the conversation was dominated by English teams and keeper fouls. He allowed his mind for just a moment to wander. Lily as their group's potion's mistress? It was cruel in a way, and yet fitting, that his own pupil should have the exact position he held but on the opposing side. Like white and black chess pieces. Severus had to assume that he was still the better brewer, in fact it was safer for her that he was. She wasn't a threat. He was doing nothing against his own side by letting her live.

Why his hands started shaking he didn't know, but he had to put a stop to it. Physical signs of any weakness, physical or emotional, wouldn't do at all. If he carried on this way he'd get himself killed, and for what? Because of a miserable 10 year old boy was taken in out of the cold and given hot chocolate by a family of mere muggles. His brows drew together as if he were in physical pain. Lily Evans would be the death of him.

Quickly and effectively, that memory was stowed away, hopefully never to plague him again. The shaking stopped and he felt once again removed and in control of himself. She was nothing to him. Nothing.

.

The tension in his muscles eased when they rose to part ways.

"You sure you don't want us to walk you back to the castle?"

"No I'll be fine. I've made provision." She didn't expound on what these provisions were, however.

"We'd feel better if you'd let us."

Lily leaned over to whisper in the other woman's ear. A look of surprise and comprehension crossed Longbottom's face. "Alright then. See you soon." They hugged each other and Frank Longbottom awkwardly leaned over to give her a hug too.

"See you."

Both Lily and Severus watched the couple disappear into the fire. By this point the omnioculars were carefully hidden away in his robes and by the looks of things Lily was none the wiser. Nodding almost imperceptibly to Aberforth, who gave an equally minute nod back, she left. He hadn't been under orders to follow anyone or do anything but listen. So he continued to sit and observe, in case anything else worth his notice happened.

He'd never used omnioculars before but it didn't look too complicated. He easily found the playback feature and, to his most profound relief, saw merely a Quidditch game. Other clients came and went, but as he half expected, Lily re-appeared half an hour later, no doubt looking for what she'd 'forgotten.' He quickly banished the omnioculars back to the table at which she and her friends had been sitting, which was still vacant. A moment later she spied them there, and with a frown picked them up, put them back in her pocket, and left again.

To his right, Severus heard someone sniffing the air. The man next to him licked his lips, let out a low growl and quickly vacated his barstool.

x

"Oi Red, remember me?" Lily thought she recognised that thick Irish accent. Sure enough, when she turned around she saw the same scruffy man from before, though he had a broken nose and fewer teeth. Lily wondered if that was due to Remus.

"I suggest you tuck tail and leave," she said.

"I won't hurt yeh, colleen." The man licked his lips again and her grip on her wand tightened. "I just want te talk to yeh."

"Forgive me, but last time you didn't seem all that loquacious."

"I was in the wrong, I admit," he said. "Let me make it up to yeh, get yeh'a pint."

Lily's chin rose indignantly. "Sorry, I'm a one-werewolf witch," she said proudly.

"I'm more wolf than he is, mark me. I can prove it." He took a step towards her.

"I said back off. Go back inside and leave me alone before you get hurt."

The man snorted at this and continued towards her. "I mean yeh no harm."

"Wish I could say the same."

Lily watched as the man tried to covertly withdraw his wand.

"Now, no need to be unpleasant."

"If memory serves, last time we met you tried to.--"

"I said I was sorry, din' I? Too close to the full moon, I'm sure yeh understand, what with your _pet_ n'all."

"I understand perfectly, which is why I'm declining your offer."

The next moment, a spell shot out of the man's wand and bonds were flying out to capture her. There was a loud crack, the sound the curse makes when it hits a target, and a body, wrapped up in magical ropes, fell to the ground. Ensnared by his own curse, he was helpless as she carelessly flung him a good 40 feet away.

Making sure nobody was around, she climbed into the passageway that would take her back to Hogwarts.

.

She had to slow her pace and shorten her steps so that Flitwick could keep up with her during their rounds. Of course one is supposed to be utterly vigilant on patrols, but that didn't mean they couldn't converse and be watchful at the same time. Besides, it would grow rather awkward walking silently side by side for hours at a time. Charms was such a light-hearted topic that she could easily enjoy, and Professor Flitwick was such a kind man. All in all, she couldn't complain about her patrol partner. She could have it much worse. Dippet, like poor James, or even McGonagall. Lily respected her Transfiguration teacher but conversation was never easy with the austere woman. Vector and Sinistra, though nice enough, would have been equally awkward. No indeed, she did not regret the time she spent with tiny Professor Flitwick.

As usual, they popped into the Hospital Wing to check on things and were disheartened at the scene. Although it was far past curfew, the Hospital Wing wasn't all quiet and dark as it generally was, but lit up and every bed filled. A harried Madame Pomfrey was darting from bed to bed, trying her best to see to each complaint. Naturally, without potions, there wasn't much she could do for most of them.

Lily felt instantly guilty that she hadn't been helping as much, especially now when clearly there was the greatest need. Seeing Lily and Flitwick, Madame Pomfrey came over to them and sighed exhaustedly. "Such simple ailments and yet there's nothing to be done about them."

"How many are magically maladies?"

"Only about half. The rest are just sick. It's the season, of course but untreated..."

"What about muggle medicine? Have you ordered any?"

"Don't be ridiculous," the healer said. Lily ruffled at this.

"It might not be ideal, but muggles _can_ heal themselves without magic. It often takes a bit longer but at least you wouldn't just be letting your patients lay there, miserable." Madame Pomfrey heaved a disconsolate sigh. "What other options are there? This can't go on. The brewing schedule is strict enough. At least give medicine a try."

"Many people would be wary of taking a muggle concoction. There's no knowing what they use."

'Whatever it is it's not nearly so disgusting as lacewings, toad spawn, or crushed beetle eyes,' Lily thought.

After another quarter of an hour discussion, Madame Pomfrey agreed to keeping a stock of muggle remedies for the more minor complaints, like headaches and seasonal illnesses. Not only that, but Lily found herself promising to stop by the next night to help, an offer which was most gratefully received. The poor healer, Lily noticed, exuded all signs of exhaustion and overwork, something with which Lily could deeply sympathise.

When patrol ended at two, Lily and Flitwick bade each other goodnight. James was not yet back, she found. She wasn't surprised, just disappointed. The poor thing was still hard at work. Remembering the last night she'd spend sitting awake, waiting in his office, she decided to take her work to the bedroom. Changing into what was available by way of pyjamas, she retreated under the covers of the bed, taking a pile of Weyland's things with her. She didn't think that anything in there would be helpful, but she continued to torment herself with going through them over and over again. The only things she learned would be of no importance to anyone but her. She remembered to stab of pain she felt when she found the letters she herself had written him. He'd kept every single one. He kept his other correspondence too, but most of his other missives were work related. She noticed he hadn't kept a single piece of fan mail, though she knew he had received several owls a week.

Initially she'd been infuriated and embarrassed at the thought of Moody or some other auror having already gone through them, read them. But after a time she began to feel as if Moody might not have designated this task to her solely for the reasons he'd claimed. Perhaps Mad-Eye had been respecting their privacy in giving it to her? Or was that giving the Head Auror more credit than he deserved...

Her mind shifted to the vampire in Azkaban and she revised her mental list of questions. Lily's heart went out to him, even if he was guilty (which hadn't been well proved in her opinion.) The thing about being kissed was this, if he truly was as wicked as they said, then he might not even _have_ a soul anymore, having ripped it to shreds with numberless killings. The dementor wouldn't have an effect on him and he would escape the very punishment he deserved. However, if he _wasn't_ as guilty as all that, if his soul was still in tact, then the dementors would be able to suck it from him. They wouldn't know of his true guilt or innocence until the kiss was performed. So in effect, no matter what the result, there would be no justice. Either an innocent is punished, or the guilty got off.

Lily banged her head gently against the wooden headboard behind her, overcome with the familiar resentment for Azkaban prison and current wizarding de facto laws. Weary on more than just one level, she gently moved the pile from her lap and put out the sconces.

Despite her fatigue, she was still awake when James entered half an hour later. He approached the bed and looked down at her. She sat up and asked, "Something wrong?"

"I was just trying to see if you were asleep or not," he said quietly. "Help me?"

"With what?" she asked, suddenly anxious.

"Was called out for an arrest. It made for a break in the monotony of paperwork, at least; not that we caught any of them in the end. The Prewetts were injured pretty badly. They are with Madam Pomfrey right now. They requested Hogwarts over Mungo's. I'm not too bad off, didn't want to bother her with any more, she looked swamped as it was."

As he spoke he removed his clothes, his only expressions of pain a few sharp inhalations of breath. Lily relit the sconces and looked him over, almost cringing in fearful anticipation at what she might find. To her relief James wasn't putting on a brave front by telling her he wasn't that bad. Not hit by any evil curses, just battered and bruised from trying to avoid them and the flying debris. To this day nothing could match the time he came in after being with Remus during the full moon, unless of course it was his run in with Fluffy in the forest, but she hadn't actually seen that, only the scars.

Once finished with her wandwork she pressed a kiss to his bare shoulder. "I'm glad you're alright."

Turning down the lights once again, they crawled into bed and, as they often did, whispered to each other until they fell asleep.

.

In the pre-dawn grey, they made love only half awake before drifting off again. When next they woke it was 20 minutes before class was to begin. James mumbled a swearword and tried to pull the covers back over him but Lily would have none of it. In ten minutes, the students that liked to arrive early to class would be taking their seats, which gave her 9 minutes to shower, change and get out of there.

She was dashing to the bathroom when she told him, "Have Poppy bring something to eat, would you?"

Through a yawn, James made some remark about how it would save time if they showered together, so she locked the door behind her, protecting it with a password_._ She knew from past experience that the plan, while sound in theory, proved untrue in practice. She was certain that separate showers were more economical.

After her three minute shower, she cast a refreshing charm on the robes she'd been wearing the previous day, grabbed a banana and two pieces of toast, gathered her things, kissed him, and flew out the door. No one was in the corridor yet, but she was certain she'd run into her classmates if she continued down that way, so she darted into the secret passage on the other end of the hall, and sat there to eat her breakfast until class time.

James still wasn't in the classroom when she strolled in a minute late. She dropped her bag in the front of the room where everyone else's were, and stood next to Rupert by the window where their desk would normally be.

"Morning."

"Morning, Lily. How was your patrol last night?"

"Uneventful, thankfully. Did you finish that essay?"

"I did, thanks. Is Potter here?"

"Oh he's here. He better not have fallen back asleep," she said quietly. Roo chuckled.

He was, however, demonstrably awake as he threw open his office door the next moment and strode out into the classroom. "Good morning, class."

"Good morning, Professor Potter," everyone greeted back, save Lily who recently found herself reluctant to utter the phrase 'Professor Potter' unless it was absolutely imperative.

"I trust that all of you know Belvedere's Principle by now?" Everyone nodded. "Good. Everyone follow me to station one."

He gave an explanatory demonstration before sending them off to their own cages to begin practicing. James wandered around the room, watching each student carefully, giving advice when needed.

Roo was doing admirably well, and his fellow Quidditch team mates weren't bad either. Lily wondered if athleticism had any factor in one's ability, reflexes being trained up to a higher standard than other students. When James came by her stand he fired two more stinging hexes for her to battle with. She growled at him under her breath, which caused him to chuckle and give her behind a condescending pat. She would have been outraged by this blatant display, but she imagined that everyone was as fully occupied as she was. James wouldn't have done it if he thought anyone else was watching.

He didn't linger long and went about his rounds, inspecting everyone's technique. She'd managed to deal with the extra curses and was just working one at a time again when someone cried out. She immediately turned around, knowing that her necklace would deflect it for her. She felt it rebound just as she saw Victoria White on the ground. The hex that had bounced off her by means of the Dragon's Eye came back to her after hitting the wall and she quickly deflected it to the target before going over to where James was by Victoria's side. Roo was there even before she was, looking very unhappy. White wasn't unconscious, at least, nor did she look too badly hurt, or hurt at all, as far as Lily could tell. James was on the ground next to her, pulling her up into a sitting position.

"Are you alright?" he asked. She looked up at him dazedly.

"I think so."

"What spell did you use? I said only a stinging hex."

"I _did_ use a stinging hex." She paused, and James simply waited for an explanation. "Someone else must have thrown in a different curse."

James arm tightened around the girl as he turned to glare around the rest of the class, who by now had all stopped to watch the scene. Victoria looked quite happy about her professor's protectiveness of her. Lily saw his mind working, his eyes scanning the class, immediately dismissing those on the other side of the room as possible assaulters. Instead he focused on those nearest her, who could have easily thrown a casual curse into her enclosure from theirs. His eyes narrowed unhappily and stood up. Helping her up next he pushed her behind him as he addressed the class.

"Who did it? If you confess now I will be much more lenient than I will be when I found out later."

The class looked around at each other nervously but no one spoke up. James' jaw set and a small dimple formed in his cheek. A very bad sign.

Since no one came forth, James decided to lecture them all about the inappropriateness, the cowardice, the stupidity, and the insolence of attacking another student in such a way. "I don't care if you think it's funny, or if they deserve it. You don't. Attack. Fellow. Students. Not ever. _Especially _during this recession and healing has been made so difficult. Have I made myself clear?"

"Yes sir," the class mumbled, all but one of them having been bawled out for something they didn't do.

"The punishments for attacking fellow students has increased dramatically, as I'm sure you all know. So why the hell you'd try to pull such an asinine trick is beyond me," he said angrily.

"It wasn't that bad, Professor," said Victoria calmingly. "It just knocked me to the ground. I'm not hurt."

"That's not the point.

"Shall I take her to the Hospital Wing, Professor?" Roo suggested.

"I really don't need--" she tried to say but Rupert interrupted.

"I insist. Even if you aren't physically hurt it might have been a memory charm or something that you yourself wouldn't be able to detect."

James looked at Roo and nodded in approval, not only of the suggestion, but seemingly the boy himself. Rupert stepped forward and took Victoria by the elbow and led her out of the room, a very grim expression on his face.

x

"You think you're so clever, do you?" Rupert spat furiously. "Do you realise what you've even done with this little stunt?"

"What do you mean?"

He rolled his eyes. "The professor has enough to deal with without this kind of shit. Do you have no priorities? You'd actually hex yourself, let the rest of your classmates take the blame, cause the professor to worry and mistrust us, all so you could have a little attention? What the fuck, White. You do realise that the bloke that killed Abbot was in our class before? He's going to be suspicious about everyone now that you've gone and shattered the trust that he is so hesitant to give."

"That's not what happened at all," she sputtered. He'd made her cry. Good.

"Enlighten me," he growled.

She sniffled. "I didn't curse myself at all. I didn't block the stinging hex and I was startled when it hit me and tripped and fell over. I tried to tell him I just did the stinging hex but..."

"But..." he said softly despite his anger. He knew that if he kept snapping at her she'd be embarrassed and wouldn't give him the truth. He'd have to act understanding and sympathetic.

"But he was so concerned for me, I..."

"Go on."

"He'd have thought I was a fool if I told him the truth. That other story just came out of nowhere. I didn't know he'd react so strongly."

"Why didn't you correct him, when you saw how upset he was?"

"Because..." She sniffled again and wiped her tears away with her sleeve. "It was nice... having him so worried about me."

He repressed another exasperated growl. "Of course he was worried. He worries about all his students. He's here to protect us and fight those who would try to do us harm." He couldn't help adding more spitefully, "And not only have you now made him think he's failed to keep us safe, you've given him a phantom enemy to chase when he has more than enough real ones."

She began crying harder and which both annoyed and pleased him.

"Go wash your face. I'll bring your things to you here for your next class."

"You won't tell him, will you?"

"No," he lied. "But you should."

Actually, he planned to tell Potter everything. The sooner he knew the truth the better. Rupert wasn't one to keep important things to himself, as his best friend was wont to do.

He left her in front of the girls' toilets and went back to class. The atmosphere was much different now, much colder and austere. Potter didn't walk among the students but sat at the front of the class, watching them all with keen and unsympathetic eyes. Roo went over to him.

"How is she?" he asked, still looking straight ahead at the other students as he spoke.

"She's fine, apart from her inability to make good decisions, of course."

"What?"

"No one hexed her. I suspected as much and took her outside and called her on it. She was too embarrassed to tell you the truth that she was just stung and fell over. I think she does plan on telling you, she's just trying to build up the nerve. But I didn't know how long that would take so I thought I'd set your mind at ease now so you don't spend the next few days bothering yourself with trying to find an attacker who doesn't exist."

The older man sighed and ran his fingers through his dishevelled hair. "Thank you, Rupert. You've saved me hours of agony."

He nodded, feeling somewhat proud that Potter had used his first name. They stood in silence for a while, watching everyone practice curse deflection until class ended.

"See you at Quidditch practice, sir."

"Thanks again."

"It was nothing."

Lily waited at the door for him to gather his and Victoria's things and they left together, Lily giving Potter a questioning but comforting glance. He smiled reassuringly back at her.

He dropped White's bag off in front of the girls' toilets and sharply rapped twice on the door before walking on, explaining in brief what happened on the way down to the dungeons. "Oh. Well that's a relief," she said earnestly.

"You aren't royally peeved?"

"No. Everyone gets embarrassed. In the end it all turned out alright. Better an embarrassed girl than a feckless --or worse, malicious-- classmate."

She opened a secret passageway and with a hand gestured for him to go in first.

"I grant you that but don't her desperate and stupid antics when it comes to Potter bother you?"

"Not enough to admit to."

What a very Lillian answer. Once again, common sense prevails, but doesn't conquer jealousy entirely. Still, it might be fun to goad her, just a little.

"At what stage would it bother you?"

She clenched her teeth and stared straight ahead.

"Go on," he coaxed.

"When she blatantly stares at his arse and looks down on me as if I'm nothing just because I'm a student and acts like she's entitled to him, even though she's so much older than he is. Ugh, and she actually thinks he likes her, so she walks around looking so smug, when she can't even cast a simple colouring charm! Doesn't know a thing about _real_ muggle life and just acts like she's doing muggleborns a favour, that she's being so kind. Condescending wench."

Roo bit his lip in a very sincere and somewhat painful attempt not to smile. His cheeks were beginning to hurt from the strain.

"I take it we aren't talking about White?"

"What? Oh. No, White's harmless enough. I don't think she actually believes she can get him. She'd fantasise but she wouldn't... _pursue_."

"And Dippet does?"

Lily frowned. "I might be able to ignore her constant flirting and eyeing him. But she dislikes me."

"So does Victoria."

"Thanks," she said sarcastically.

"So what's the difference between them?"

"Dippet constantly tries to belittle me by reminding me that she's a teacher and I'm just a student. She is always trying to make me feel small," she admitted.

_And apparently is somewhat successful,_ Roo thought. He wondered if Dippet constantly tried to push Lily down because she herself felt inferior and used the only card she had (her role as a higher authority figure), or if she knew she struck on Lily's own insecurities. They were his insecurities too. Wanting to be so much more than just a student, wanting to be of use, wanting to be worthy, but so many are blinded by the uniform. Again, he thought of Potter, and he could see Lily for what she was, and, dare he hope it, see him too. She was right; there was nothing more infuriating than being disregarded for being a student.

A thought suddenly occurred to him. "Do you think she suspects?"

"I don't think so, why?"

"Well, I was just thinking, if Victoria dislikes you for being Potter's favourite, perhaps Dippet does too."

"She disliked me long before James started teaching here," she said.

The conversation was cut short because they were at the end of the secret passage and would have to go into the corridor where such conversations couldn't take place.

x

Lily and Sirius strolled the grounds during lunch before he had to teach the third years.

"I thought about what you said, and I've decided that I agree with you."

"Good. About what?"

"About if you aren't willing to cheat to get it, then you don't want it badly enough."

Sirius grinned triumphantly at her as he sank his teeth into his apple with a satisfying juicy crunch. "So if you had the choice of saving an innocent little muggleborn girl, or James, who would you save?"

She'd asked herself questions like that all the time. She'd come up with numberless hypothetical scenarios. She'd managed to justify choosing James for reasons that didn't involve her loving him.

"There's a muggle expression. Give a man a fish; you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish; you feed him for a lifetime."

"So you are saying you'd choose James because by saving him you'd be saving countless other innocent people?"

"Well, yes. Not only is he a great teacher but he's a great auror. He does a lot of good."

"And if it were a matter of that girl versus your sister? Can you admit that you are selfish or are you going to say that sparing her would save more lives?"

"It'd save one more, at least. Petunia's pregnant."

His eyebrows rose slightly, and she realised she'd never told him that.

"That and I'm selfish," she admitted. Sirius smiled approvingly. "You are practically a waste of space but I'd do shameful shameful things to keep you around." She grabbed the apple from him and took a bite herself.

"Shameful?" he asked amused at the prospect of Lily and such shocking deeds.

"Yes," she told him. Since she was starting to feel embarrassed she figured she might as well make him uncomfortable as well. "Because I love you, Sirius Black. Very much."

He knew what she was trying to do apparently, because he turned to her, grinning mockingly. "And I love you, Lily Evans. Very _very_ much."

The plan had backfired and now she was blushing, despite the sarcasm-drenched manner in which he'd said it. He'd only admitted to loving her once before and she suspected it was more to comfort her until he arrived in Dover to pick them up. It had worked, at least. She watched the ground move past under her feet as she took another bite of the apple before handing it back to Sirius, not looking at him, of course.

"Do you think that will ever _not_ be awkward to say?" she asked honestly. Why was it so difficult? She'd said it every day to her parents when she was with them. She could say it to Roo. What made saying it to other people so hard?

He didn't answer.

She hadn't really expected him to.

While both of them loved their friends fiercely, they weren't exactly the most vocal about it. She supposed the only thing she could do was practice, then squirmed at the idea.

"Could you start writing for Witch Weekly again?" she asked, changing the topic.

He snorted. "I'm not surprised, but I _am_ curious. How did you know?"

"After we gave the interview I of course read the article. It seemed too tasteful for Goodspeed. It would have taken someone influential with her to keep it that way. I found more issues and read more articles by the same author and... well... she had your style."

"I'm only glad the lads aren't inclined to read witchy magazines," he said with a grin, but it soon faded. "But be that as it may, I can't go back."

"Why not? Sirius, since Weyland..." 'Died' wasn't the right word and she couldn't bring herself to say 'was exterminated.' "_..is gone_ there is no one else to get the word out."

"I doubt Witch Weekly would take the risk. Things have become even worse since Christmas, as you well know. Besides that, I've made myself... _unwelcome_."

"What happened?"

"Just a slight difference of opinion, Cariad."

"Could you not put your differences aside for the cause?"

"_The cause_ is where our opinions differed," he said simply.

"Oh."

They turned around and started for the castle again. Lunch was nearly over. Since Transfiguration was almost on the way to the Defence Against the Dark Arts room, he walked her there. In silence.

x

Although James was really just supposed to be only supervising Gryffindor practice, he couldn't help but offer a few humble bits of advice...

"You have to be tighter on your weave, Chasers! You can't get sloppy! Do it again! And you, seeker! Your feints have to be more believable or it won't work. Beaters..." There wasn't much to say there. "Keep beating!"

The boys didn't seem to mind though, in fact, they thanked him profusely after training and said they couldn't wait until next time. He was lost in a momentary fantasy of being the coach for a national team when Rupert Ferris addressed him.

"Erm, sir?"

"What? Sorry, mind was... erm..."

"On Quidditch. We all know that look," he replied with the largest genuine smile James had ever seen on him.

"Do you want to play Quidditch then? After school?"

"That'd be nice, if I could actually make one of the teams, but no. My family wants me to get a job in the Ministry."

"Which department?"

He shrugged. "Whichever one will hire me."

"Have you thought of magical law enforcement?"

"Certainly. Growing up with Lily it was hard not to. We discussed it so many times when we were younger. It seemed that was all she talked about 5th year. We said we'd become aurors together."

"Why don't you? Join the auror trainee programme, that is."

"I _will_ apply, but I think my family would prefer I take a desk job."

"You? Behind a desk?" James asked in disbelief.

He shrugged again. "It's not what I'd prefer, but I can't disappoint them."

"You can't disappoint yourself either."

"But I tell you, I wouldn't mind being an Unspeakable." James twitched, and then cursed himself for it. "Sir?"

"If that's what you want," he said stiffly.

"You disapprove?"

"I'll just say that if it's making your family happy that you are worried about, working in the Department of Mysteries would be... _counterproductive_."

"Oh?"

"You'd work long hours and wouldn't be able to speak about it to your friends or family. Hence the term 'Unspeakable.' Those who work in that department don't have stellar social lives."

A pregnant pause followed, and James could tell Ferris was just too tactful to ask so he gave up and said. "My father was an Unspeakable."

"Oh. He... isn't anymore?" he asked uncertainly.

James resorted to his auror voice, brusque and professional. "He's dead. Died on the job."

"How?"

He was unable to keep back the sour snort. "Like the department in which he spent his life, it's a _mystery_," he said sarcastically. "To his family anyway. Confidential information and apparently we didn't need to know." Remarkable, James thought, how after so many years he could still be so bitter.

Seeming to want a change of topic as much as he did, the boy asked, "So do you think I could be an auror?"

"I think you'd make an excellent auror," he said honestly.

"Is that what you wanted to talk about? Career choices?"

"No actually." He was calming down, growing more comfortable again, easing back into his element. "I wanted you to have a look at some files in my office. People I want you to keep an eye on for me."

The boy's eyebrows rose.

"If you want," James added belatedly. "I don't mean to burden you with added responsibilities but trustworthy people are hard to find. I'm being called away from the castle more and more these days, I need someone who is capable to look after things when I'm away."

"And you are asking me?" He sounded both dubious and hopeful.

"You and Lily. You work well together."

"Why us? Why not another teacher?"

"Dumbledore and Minerva are doing as much as they can handle already. The other teachers..."

"What?"

"Apart from Flitwick, McGonagall, Dumbledore, and Pomfrey, there are few I could count on to act sensibly in a crisis. They're either complacent or take their authority too seriously. This school is about the students, and they look up to you, they'd listen to you. And I know you can keep a secret." James winked at him and the boy rolled his eyes.

"So what would you want me to do?"

"Be on call and ready to answer my patronus whenever I send it. And also, when I'm not around, hell, even when I am, keep an eye on Lily. I know like I sound like I'm being overprotective, but that's not it." _Well, let's be honest._ "Mostly that's not it," he corrected. "I'm thinking as an auror, not a worried fiancé."

"Fiancé? She didn't tell me you proposed."

"That's because I haven't yet."

"Ah."

"The fact of the matter is, and you'll see these files in a moment, out of everyone in this castle, she's in the most danger."

"I didn't need a file to know that," said Ferris, his voice seemed dry and his gaze was fixed on something that seemed to be far away, through and beyond the castle they were now approaching. A glance downward told him that the boy was gripping his wand so tightly in his fist, the knuckles were white and the veins protruded from the skin.

There were no words for the gratitude and kinship he felt in that moment. So he said none.

x

It was odd, having nothing to do. With no boys distracting her, Lily got all her work and research done in the library. Would Quidditch training times be a golden gap in her schedule? Two and a half hours of perfect productivity? She loved James and Roo dearly, of course, but time doing work with them was often full of interruptions and distractions, sometimes pleasant, other times not so much.

She only briefly saw James, and that only from a distance across the Great Hall during dinner. She sat in her usual seat with Rupert and the Gryffindor team. It came as no surprise that they were talking about Quidditch, but it warmed her heart to hear them go on about how brilliant their defence professor had been. For a moment she almost wished she had been there to watch their training that evening but as doubtlessly interesting as it would have proved, she wouldn't have given up her time in the library.

The boys also waxed poetic on the speed, acceleration, pin-point turning, and fine tuned broom which Rupert had used. She almost frowned when she realised she hadn't been the first to ride her own broom, but she pushed the thought aside. It didn't matter. Still, she wondered if it really did _hum_ underneath one's touch as they said it did. She grabbed Roo's wrist, which had a forkful of potatoes on it, and pulled it toward her to check the time.

"Oi! Eating!" Roo complained. She stood and kissed him on the cheek.

She dropped her bags in her room and quickly penned a note she had Ebony deliver and left her room to wait on the front of the stone steps just outside the main castle doors. She knew he'd come.

x

He was just about to serve himself a third helping of stew when titterings among the students brought his head up. A lone owl flew into the Great Hall. True, it wasn't the time for owls but it wasn't that uncommon. His brows drew together when he realised it was Ebony. The note wasn't tied to her leg but clutched in her talons. When she was overhead she dropped the note to let it flutter down into what would have been the gravy but James, a consummate Quidditch player, snatched it from the air before it could. He stood and took a few steps away so no one could look over his shoulder.

~_Come fly with me~_

No signature but a small pictograph of the cleft hoof of a deer.

James grinned and shoved the bit of parchment in his pocket as he strode out of the Great Hall.

She was waiting for him on the front steps. He smiled broadly at her and threw her the cloak and together they headed to the pitch.

They raced, wove, dipped and dove. It was exhilarating.

"We don't do this enough," she remarked when she drew beside him. They were doing casual laps as they conversed. The wind whooshed past so they had to raise their voices to be heard.

It was true though. Since New Years he hadn't had time for flying. It cleared the head and lifted the spirits. She gave him a wicked grin and zoomed passed him, her red hair whipping wildly behind her. Something about the sight was inexpressibly erotic to James' mind.

He sped after her, following her every loop, swerve and roll, slowly gaining on her. He suspected it was because she wanted to be caught. She kept throwing looks back at him, taunting him with glimpses of a mischievous smile... like a snitch might a seeker.

***

150 points to James.

They lay happily on the ground wrapped up in their cloaks together. It was mostly cloudy, so there weren't many stars to be seen, but James didn't particularly care. Lily, her head tucked into his shoulder, probably couldn't even see the sky.

"What time is it?" she asked quietly.

"We have time," he reassured her, just as softly. After making love they said everything as if it were a secret.

"Good." She nuzzled closer to him and he squeezed her to him. A dull ache throbbed in his chest, a pain only caused by keeping quiet. He didn't want to keep it a secret, he didn't want to whisper it, he wanted to shout as loud as his lungs would let him how much he loved her. But he couldn't. He could only whisper it in the night, when no one else could hear it. Something so big wasn't meant to be kept so quiet. Yet there they were, under the invisibility cloak, hiding from everyone.

"I love you," he said, and the ache eased momentarily. He couldn't shout it but he didn't have to keep it entirely to himself. She shifted so she could kiss him. How agreeably peaceful those next few minutes passed, he practically floated through them. She was so good to him, for him. Cliché though it may be, he didn't know how he had done without her, and couldn't imagine life without Lily in it. No, he _could_ imagine it, and it was not a pleasant thing. Work, work, work, and at the end of the day he would collapse into bed, alone, unaided, unloved. No brightness to fight the dark.

They were losing, he knew it; everyone did. They could feel it. People were preparing for even darker times as if they were inevitable. With this collective feeling of constant attrition, how did people keep from succumbing to depression? He had Lily, how did everyone else manage? Not everyone did, he remembered. Many gave up, gave in, sat in their homes and hiding places, shuddering in fear.

His fingers wove through her hair, clutching, keeping him anchored to her so he wouldn't be swept away by pessimism. He pulled his lips away from hers so he could say something, but found that he didn't have the words. She kissed him briefly again.

"Thank you," she told him. Yes, that was it; he ought to thank her for keeping him balanced. He rolled them both so that she was beneath and he rested his head on her chest. As always, her fingers ran through his hair and his eyes fluttered closed. Utter peace. There was nothing so soothing as this. There was nothing for which he'd give this up. Nothing that could surpass the calm he felt when they lay like that.

"No," he whispered back. "Thank _you_."

He wondered if she knew what a pathetic shell of a man he'd be if he were ever denied her now. He didn't say any of this, of course. He just let his hand search for warmth, finally resting on the bare flesh of her stomach.

Her own rested atop his and she began to hum.

.

He must have dozed for the next moment she was nudging him awake. "James, love, we can't stay here."

The childish part of him, the kind that can argue any point, regardless if he knew for a fact it was wrong, wanted to protest. However she was due in the Hospital Wing now and he had patrol in another three quarters of an hour or so. As lovely as it would doubtlessly be to simply continue laying about with each other, he knew neither of them would do it. Both had duties they wouldn't ever shirk.

He rolled off her and stood, extending a hand which she took and he lifted her to her feet.

He felt as close to her as he had on Saturday, and didn't want to stop touching her, even if it was just her hand in his. They stood together in front of the Wing under the invisibility cloak, reluctant to part. They lingered until two children raced passed them, hurrying in to see the healer. It sparked Lily into action and she kissed him quickly and making sure no one was around to see, slid out from under the cloak and dashed in to help Madame Pomfrey.

Resigned, James half sighed and half groaned and went to wait for Dippet. He was surprised to find that she was already there, despite it being so early.

"Good evening, Professor Dippet," he greeted. "Am I late? I thought we were meeting on the hour." He looked at his watch to check to time. Perhaps he had spent more time with Lily in front of the Hospital Wing than he'd estimated. No, it was just a quarter till.

She laughed, perhaps a bit too enthusiastically to be natural. "How many times do I have to tell you to call me Darlene? And no, I'm early. Shall we start now since we're both here?"

"Certainly." He started off walking, rolling his wand between his thumb and forefinger for a moment or two before gripping it tightly in his palm.

"So... How were lessons today?" she asked.

"Productive," he answered. James couldn't help but thinking that if he were to patrol by himself it would be much more effective. He could go about under the cloak and actually be able to catch someone. The chances of coming upon any up-to-no-gooders went down a great deal when walking next to a witch who laughed at everything be it funny or not. To subtly dissuade her from conversation, his replies were as curt as possible. His efforts were only rewarded (punished?) by her taking up the conversation by herself. Her monologue was hasty and anxious, eager to please.

They had come across no one. It wasn't that odd. It was a Monday after all. Still, James was on edge. Whether it was because he had an intuition, or the woman's voice was just grating, he couldn't tell.

An hour later and they made their pass by the Hospital Wing.

"I'll just pop in for a moment, see if Poppy's alright," said James.

Even though it was midnight, the Wing was still busy. He saw Lily sitting next to a girl's bed, speaking lowly to her but Madam Pomfrey called out from across the room and Lily, excusing herself and removing her fingers from the little girl's hair, immediately went over to the healer. James wasn't able to read lips, but he gathered it was a list of instructions because Lily nodded a few times before disappearing into the supplies room. She came back out shaking her head, holding out only two bottles and shrugging. Madame Pomfrey too shook her head and covered her face with her hand. Lily said something that seemed to startle the healer, for she quickly turned to the redhead, shocked written clearly on her face. Lily motioned for the healer to step aside. Lily leaned over to talk to the boy in the bed and transfigured a bucket. Her next phrase he was able to read. 'Are you ready?' The boy nodded and Lily pointed her wand at him. James recognised that spell, not by her wand movements or because he read it on her lips, but by the boy's reaction. He began vomiting into the bucket she'd given him. Lily rubbed his back as he heaved. After three times she ended the spell and handed him water which he swished in his mouth and spat out again. The contents of the bucket were vanished. She and the boy exchanged a few words and Lily's face broke out to a weary but entirely sincere smile. The medi-witch's lips pursed as she nodded in reluctant acknowledgement at the no doubt unorthodox approach before moving on to the next bed. Lily stayed with him for a moment, and James could tell the boy appreciated her bedside manner. James was rather thankful for it himself.

She finally noticed him, and her brow smoothed out slightly. Her eyes never left his and she instantly went to him. The closer she came the more clearly he could see the desperation and sadness in her eyes, the sparkle only there because he was.

"Oh James it's a disaster!" she whispered desperately, careful not to let the other students overhear. "We have no supplies, the students are beyond help, there's nothing I can do for them and I'm worried about Madame Pomfrey. She's trying to keep it together, but she's depressed I can tell and I don't know what to do! I'm completely useless and this situation is... is..." Her face began to scrunch up and her eyes gleamed. She wouldn't cry, he knew that, but only because she refused to show that weakness in public. Still, if he didn't stop her she'd work herself up into a nervous mess and she'd be vomiting just like the boy she'd just helped.

"Easy love," he calmed her, placing his hands on her shoulders. "You're doing wonderfully."

"I'm doing nothing," she whined, looking down at her feet.

"Hey." He lifted her chin. "It's not nothing. Even if you can't give them the potions they need, it means something that you care, that you stay by their side."

She sniffed. "It's not enough," she whispered sadly.

"No, it's not," he agreed. "But that's hardly your fault, my dear."

"And what about Poppy?"

His brows drew together as he looked over Lily's head to study the harried healer. He couldn't think of anything. He imagined the only thing that would make her feel better would be the ability to properly heal her charges. It must be a real strain to watch her patients suffer.

"Helping them will help her. Just keep her company, let her know she's not alone. You know, the things Lily Evans is good at."

She smiled at this but her eyes travelled behind him and the smile fell and she stepped away suddenly. "Good evening, Professor Dippet."

The witch gave her a stiff nod in return.

"I should get back," Lily said awkwardly.

"What time will you be done? I can come back to get you."

He read fear and uncertainty in her eyes; clearly she didn't like him saying things in front of the other witch. James didn't care.

"You don't have to do that, I don't know when it will be."

"Nonsense. I can't have you wandering the castle by yourself at night. You know I'm obligated to keep you protected." He winked at her. "You know Moody, constant vigilance and all."

"It might be late by the time I'm done."

"Bollocks, Evans. It's already late. Once I finish my rounds I'm going to be up the rest of the night doing paperwork anyway."

She searched his eyes for the answer to a question she dared not ask aloud. The answer was no, he hadn't received any owl from Moody. She sighed in relief.

He _almost_ leaned in and kissed her goodbye. Luckily he caught himself and jerked back before he ruined everything. Lily, clearly knowing what he had almost just done, shot him the most withering of warning glares. He silently sent a pleading puppy-eyed apology in return, which softened her enough to make her have to fight against a smile. He smirked, knowing he was forgiven.

"I'll see you in a bit then. Send a patronus." She nodded and turned from him to continue with her work. "Just another minute," he told the Muggle Studies teacher, who was watching him with her arms crossed disapprovingly over her chest. James couldn't give a toss if she disapproved. He approached the bed nearest him and crouched beside it. He recognised the boy from his first year class. A Gryffindor named McEwen. He took a chocolate frog from his pocket and handed it to him.

"Do you collect the cards?" he asked.

The boy nodded.

"Well go on then, find out which you got."

McEwen smiled and hastily unwrapped the sweetie, letting the frog get its one good jump before chomping off its head, pulling the card hurriedly from the box as he chewed. James was relieved to see that it wasn't any card he didn't already have.

"Morgana," he said happily. James stood and ruffled the boy's hair.

"Feel better, Marcus." He smiled briefly before returning to his patrol partner.

They had been walking back through the corridors for another half hour, finishing their circuit. Another two flights of stairs and he'd leave her at her rooms, then perhaps sit and read or do lesson plans in front of the fire in Lily's place until he received her patronus.

"You shouldn't speak to her that way, you know," Dippet stated out of nowhere.

"Shouldn't speak what way to whom?"

"Lily Evans. Saying things like, 'love' and 'my dear'. These school girls will misinterpret it."

James smirked. "She's a clever girl, she won't get the wrong idea." _She knows I mean it._

"It's still inappropriate."

"Probably," he agreed.

"So you will stop?"

"Probably not."

"There are _rules_. Codes of conduct. You can't treat her like a... like a..."

"Like a what?" The question cracked like a whip and Dippet flinched.

"I know she's erm, connected with your friend but that's no excuse for giving her preferential treatment or being too friendly."

"Friendly," James repeated, his expression souring.

"Offering to walk her back to her rooms. It's... If anyone should do it I think it would be better if it were me."

"You think you are more capable of protecting her than _I_ am?" Judging by her flush she caught the oblique insult.

"I think it would be more appropriate."

"I think we have different standards of what is appropriate," he said coolly.

"Clearly," she retorted. "You don't seem to realise the way people view your interaction."

"And you don't seem to realise how foolish it would be to send a vastly under-qualified witch to guard a high priority target."

"I don't see why you or anyone has to go with her at all. It's only a few minutes walk within Hogwarts."

"The fact that there's been three attempts on her life on Hogwarts grounds _alone_ notwithstanding, don't you think I'm in a better position to know who is in danger and how best to protect them?"

"Yes, but are you certain you aren't motivated by something other than duty? Are you sure there isn't another reason you are taking such keen interest?" she asked meaningfully. He stared meaningfully back.

"Are you?" He held her gaze for a long moment until she looked down.

He had been all too happy to ignore his co-worker's fancy for him but now after months of her hinting he'd finally addressed the issue, _not_, he would imagine, in the manner she'd hoped. He acknowledged her feelings only secondarily, as a result of calling her on her jealousy.

"Look here, Dip. How I treat my friends is my affair. How I treat my charges is Magical Law Enforcements. How I treat my students is the school's. It just so happens that she falls under all three categories. I understand your _concern_ so let me reassure you that my job—_jobs_," he corrected himself, "are my number one priority. I don't have time for _any_ witch, student _or not_." He said this with particular weight to give it all due emphasis. "So you can rest at ease and quit worrying about your school girls. I'm not the leering letch you seem to think I am."

"I didn't... I mean, I hadn't meant to... I only intended to point out how it appeared."

"I couldn't give a fuck, Dippet," he told her, genuinely annoyed and taking no pains to hide it. "We've been through a lot, she and I, and I owe her a great deal, up to and including my life." He stopped, letting the anger hiss from him in a long sigh then stated firmly. "She's family." His thoughts darted to his departed mother and father briefly, and then to Sirius, Remus and Peter. "Among the too few that remain alive, so yes, I'm going to make damned certain it stays that way whether it's _appropriate_ or not."

She said nothing in response.

"So you can run along and tell the Headmaster if you like, but if you try to stop me..." The threat couldn't have been more effective had he completed it. It simply lingered there, throbbing in the silence.

Her voice finally sounded, meek and small in the large dark corridor. "So your motivation _isn't_ entirely professional," she stated nervously.

"No," he replied with tired resignation.

At that moment a translucent silvery doe appeared, looking as lovely ever. Both watched as an eerie Lily voice emanated ethereally from around the glowing patronus.

"_Ready when you are. Blind to her own hypocrisy, Poppy is forcing me to go to bed._"

He smirked at that, knowing full well that Lily had probably said that purposefully within the healer's hearing to make a point. Bowing politely, he said, "Good evening, Professor Dippet," and quickly made his way to the Hospital Wing.

x

Seeing as how James had no lessons on Tuesday mornings, Lily let him continue sleeping.

Potions that morning was another lecture, but unlike other days, she didn't take her usual seat alone at the front of the classroom. Instead, she placed her quill to transcribe the notes at her usual desk while she listened from the very back of the room, half paying attention as she tested, cleaned, and pre-seasoned the number two copper, and number four pewter for that evening's brewing session. It took a good two hours to do properly, and she had asked Slughorn if she might do it during class, so they'd have more time that evening for proper brewing. A few students looked back to see what she was doing, but most found her activities even less entertaining than the lecture, and turned back to listen to the professor.

Not entirely sure James wouldn't sleep through lunch and on through his afternoon lessons she found herself marching back to her rooms. Fortunately he'd gone. When she'd gone back to the Great Hall for lunch Roo wasn't there, nor did she see James at the Head Table. Confused, but not wholly concerned, she left for Transfiguration.

x

James was sprinting down the staircase when it started to move. He had no time to wait to plan an alternative route when it relocated itself elsewhere so he used his momentum and took a soaring leap over the side, landing on the platform at the bottom of the fourth floor. The students around him gasped in impressed astonishment.

"Move, please!" he shouted at them, and thankfully they immediately did as he asked.

x

Lily was walking leisurely in the direction of the Transfiguration classroom when she saw James running down the steps taking them two, three, sometimes even four at a time. He didn't slow down when he saw her.

"James, what are..."

"About face Evans!" he yelled as he flew passed her. Obeying, she did a 180 and started running after him. There would be time for questions later. The silver stag burst from his wand, the message he sent with it was, "Need you on the grounds, Ferris. Now." The patronus shot off speedily and Lily almost turned around to watch it disappear. She was so desperate for information, she had no idea what the crisis was, and ignorance always made her feel nervous. Still, she sprinted after James, her bag having been banished to Madame Pince in the library for safe keeping as she now tightly clutched her wand in her hand.

The great castle doors opened with a deafening boom which echoed impressively in the foyer through which they hurried. James jumped from the top of the steps to the bottom, while Lily quickly patted down each one. Finally she saw it. Him, rather.

An armless man staggered towards the castle, almost drunkenly it seemed. James slowed his pace to a jog, and then slower still to a defensive advance. Lily's stomach clenched when she realised that this man's armlesness must have been a recent development. It spurted in time with his pulse and his robes dripped with blood. Her first thought was that he needed healing immediately and James, even though he was in front of her and could not possibly have seen her, threw an arm out to stop her approach. She was confused for only a moment as to _why_ he would stop her. She couldn't believe she hadn't noticed before, the Death Eater robes.

"Dumbledore!" he rasped desperately. "Must speak to... Dumbledore!" He stumbled two more steps forward before falling, seemingly unconscious, to the ground.

She heard panting behind her and knew it was Roo without having to look. James stunned the man for good measure before turning to both of them.

"There might be more, could be a trick." He shot out a patronus that would call Hagrid to him. "We'll form two parties once Hagrid gets here."

"But James this man needs healing! He'll die!" She fell to her knees and pulled back the soggy robes, transfiguring a tourniquet and flannel to staunch the flow. "He wanted to speak to the Headmaster, it must be important if he came all this way in this state. I'm taking him to the Hospital Wing."

"You are not taking him in the castle!" he commanded.

"But— "

"Oi!" The ground shook beneath their feet as Hagrid came thundering to them, pink umbrella at the ready. He took in the scene as James quickly explained. All the while Lily watched the man's breathing slow and weaken.

"James! James he's dying!"

"Good."

She flinched and James told them the plan. Lily tried to continue her healing efforts but James yanked her up by the collar of her robes. "Lily and Hagrid, work your way that way. Ferris and I will head to Hogsmeade. You," he said to her. "The strongest inimicus ward you can manage. Try to keep it up until we're clear."

She could see in his face he knew precisely the enormous task he was asking of her and she nodded. She didn't have time to bask in his confidence in her.

"But we can't leave him here alone to die," she insisted.

"He's already dead," Roo pointed out. Lily gasped and looked down. Roo spoke true, there was no life left in him.

Lily clenched her fist but had no time for any further reaction for James barked, "Move out!"

In keeping with the plan, Lily and Hagrid started from where they were, making their way along the border of the forest towards the school. Nothing. Hagrid covered her back as she started her inimicus ward. Of course, Hogwarts was already equipped with an elemental 'foe line' but that was attached to the school itself, not a person. If Hogwarts perceived a threat it would inform whoever the Headmaster or Headmistress was at the time. They shared a link with the school they governed, which made Lily wonder where Dumbledore was now and why hadn't he been summoned. Doing her best to keep her focus on her line as they walked she posed the question to Hagrid.

"Gone to the Ministry," he replied. She nodded and kept working. She knew she wouldn't be able to circumnavigate the school entirely, and that their weakest point would where the school boats docked inside the castle cavern. She did the best she could. The portcullis at that end was already lowered and locked but she fortified it to the best of her ability before continuing on to do the rest of the castle. She felt powerful, an extra jolt in her magic that she hadn't felt before and she knew the cause.

They made it back to the front doors before James and Roo, which bothered her. She sent her patronus out to check on them, asking them to report. Lily reached over to hold Hagrid's hand. It was silly, really, trying to hold his enormous hand in her small one. Really she just held tight his thumb, noticing the difference in the way the ward felt within her while she touched someone else. If he felt anything too he didn't show the signs of it. She felt very glad to have Hagrid with her. He might not be a fully qualified wizard, but there were very few people around whom she felt safer. Perhaps it was his size, or his raw strength, or that protective love he'd always shown her. Maybe it was all of them. She squeezed his hand tighter and he squeezed back.

While they were waiting for a reply, two girls, 6th years (that would have been in Defence Against the Dark Arts had their professor been there) came out, apparently intent on taking a walk or sitting in the courtyard. Lily whirled on them and they looked startled to find themselves at the wand-point of the Head Girl.

"Get back inside!" she commanded. The girls looked at her confusedly, but didn't move to go back. "Now! Or it's 20 points from Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw!"

That jolted them into action and they quickly scuttled back inside. Lily let out an aggravated sigh, but felt better as she saw a silver fox make its way towards them.

"We're fine. Found nothing. Coming back now," Roo's voice echoed, then the fox shimmered out of existence.

Minutes later she saw her two loved ones approaching from the Hogsmeade path. Both men looked frustrated and relieved. Perhaps they were worried about assuming they were out of danger, afraid to let down their guard regardless.

x

Hagrid and Lily were waiting for them on the front steps. Before either of them could ask he said, "We're clear. The inimicus?"

"Up and fully working. It's the strongest I've ever done," she answered. James nodded, glad that he had the strongest witch in the castle on his team. Apart from perhaps Dumbledore himself, he didn't think that anyone could cast a better ward than his Lily. He felt safer, more at ease knowing that the students were under her personal protection. He knew it was an incredible burden to place on anyone, but he also knew he could depend on her; that Lily would shoulder it with grace and determination.

"We ought to inform Professor McGonagall," interjected Rupert. They all nodded. She was the Deputy and in charge while Dumbledore was gone.

"What about the body?" Lily asked. "We can't just leave it there."

"Hagrid?" Said James, it was both a question and command.

The half giant simply nodded, letting go of her hand as he made left.

Together the three of them jogged up to the Transfiguration classroom, Lily panting out a more detailed description of what she'd done as they went. Lily and Ferris waited in the corridor for him to fetch the Deputy Headmistress. It looked as if McGonagall was ready to scold, but upon seeing that it was himself with Lily and Rupert standing behind him, all three with equally grim expressions, the reprimand died on her lips.

"Minerva," James greeted simply, and walked to her, putting a hand in the small of her back and opened the other to gesture that she follow him out of the room where he intended to talk to her. He explained in a whisper all that had happened and the precautions they'd taken. Hearing about the ward, Minerva looked away from him to study Lily, who was whispering heatedly with Ferris about something a few steps away.

"_Please go? I remember the last time," _Ferris said.

"_It's different now," _she hissed back.

"_I know. All the more reason in my opinion. The strain..."_

"_They are different wards entirely. And besides, my protective magic is stronger, not weaker. I told you about the surges."_

"_Please?"_

She growled in a catlike way. _"Later. I promise I'll go later."_

"_I'm coming too."_

"_Fine."_

"... emergency staff meeting."

James realised that he'd missed most of what Minerva had just said.

"Not now, we should wait until Albus returns. This could be an isolated incident, I don't want to upset the staff unduly."

"Unduly? They have a right to know no matter if it is a stand alone occurrence.

James sighed. "Very well." She was the Deputy and he couldn't go against her in how to manage the school. He was just the resident auror, he had no authority over her in the running of Hogwarts. Still, he thought that calling an emergency staff meeting now would do more harm than good. Yanking teachers out of their lessons would make the students worry and the professors panic. If they waited until Dumbledore returned and the students were already back in their dorms for the evening, then fewer people would know and worry. James was certain the Headmaster's presence for this meeting would be beneficial, and his absence would cause only undue distress.

He quietly pointed this out and her lips pursed together even more tightly. "Five o'clock," she decided. That would be after lessons were out.

"You two."

Lily and Rupert seemed to automatically know that it was they the Transfiguration teacher was addressing and took a few steps towards them.

"Yes Professor?" Ferris asked.

"Tell Hagrid to bring it to the Hospital Wing for Madame Pomfrey to inspect," she told Rupert, and then she turned to Lily. "You tell Poppy what to expect, and contrive a way to keep the students currently in the Hospital Wing from detecting anything. Meeting in the Headmaster's office at five."

"Yes ma'am," they answered together, turning away to go about their assigned tasks. "Oh!" Lily said suddenly, and spun to face them again. "If one of you could inform Professor Flitwick that I'd like to see him."

"Certainly, Miss Evans, but why?"

"I just think it would be best if the Charms Master confirmed the wards before the meeting. It would... put the staff at ease, I think."

"Excellent thinking," James couldn't help but comment, but he noticed a bitterness, barely visible, playing in her eyes.

"Well, that's everything, I think," remarked James.

"Thank you, Potter," she said sincerely.

He didn't know what to say so he just shook his head and made awkward negating gestures before turning to follow Lily and Rupert down the corridor. He soon caught up with them.

"Is the ward too much for you?" he asked.

"Not at all," she replied.

Knowing Lily would probably lie he turned to her friend for confirmation. "Ferris?"

The boy looked suddenly very awkward. "Why are you asking me?"

"You were the one who was worried. You wanted her to go to the Hospital Wing, yes?"

"Ever the eavesdropper," she remarked under her breath. "The inimicus ward is difficult magic, but nothing I can't handle. Roo was just concerned because of the last ward in the Forbidden Forest."

"What's the difference?"

"The last one was a rough draft, so to speak. I'd configured it myself, so it wasn't as... text-book safe as this one."

James didn't know whether he had time or not to be angry with her. "Explain. Quickly."

Lily pulled a face, the one that she made when she was about to say something she knew he wouldn't like. "The inimicus is just maintaining the line, the circumference; it's like a glorified warning bell. The one _I_ created was a spatial ward, as it turned out."

"Meaning..." Ferris asked.

"Meaning that it protected the entire area it encompassed and..." She seemed very reluctant to admit the next bit. Her anticipation made James feel angry even before he heard it. "And all those within it. So no, Roo, I certainly couldn't do that for the entire castle and I'm not mad enough to try. This is easy, in comparison." She turned to James. "And don't bother being mad at me it's in the past and over and done with. I'm fine and I'm not doing it again without doing more research first."

While she put on an impressive bravado she dodged into the Hospital Wing to avoid any chastisement, but not before her hand darted into his robes and snatched the cloak from him and tossed it into Rupert's face. A not so subtle hint she wanted the boy to use it to bring in the body. James wasn't sure he wanted _his_ cloak on a corpse of a bloody Death Eater, but she was gone behind the closed doors before he could say anything about it or her previous ward. James growled and ruffled his hair agitatedly. They'd have to have a talk later about experimental magic. He knew she had a penchant for it and while potions and charms were one thing, wards were an entirely different matter.

He removed his glasses and rubbed a hand tiredly over his face. He didn't have time to think about that now; he had other things to do.

"Are you alright, Professor?" Rupert asked.

"Oh for fuck's sake, use my name, will you?" he snapped.

He nodded. "I'm off to fetch Hagrid. I'll see you at 5."

"Right."

x

As she was instructed, she informed Madame Pomfrey of the situation and McGonagall's wishes. All the beds were full and Poppy was understandably averse to examining the corpse of a former follower of Voldemort on the very bed on which she slept. In the end they decided the best (and only) place to conduct the examination was on the work table in the (now nearly empty) storeroom about which Poppy made a disconsolate remark.

"Don't worry, Professor Slughorn and I are brewing tonight," she said consolingly.

Lily cleared off the space and was pulling the table away from the wall and into the centre of the room when a knock sounded from the open door.

Rupert stood there looking almost casual except that his wand was out and pointed seeming empty air. Hagrid stood behind him, trying to look equally nonchalant. "Hey Lily," said Roo.

"Come in." She indicated the table where he should lower the body. Hagrid squeezed his way through as well. The tiny room wasn't made for three living adults, one dead one, and a half giant but no one complained. They shut the door and removed the cloak, revealing the man in white robes now sullied with brown blood. Lily didn't know what her face looked like but Roo's was scrunched up in disgust, whether it was because it was a dead body or a Death Eater, she couldn't tell. Madame Pomfrey was entirely professional the whole time. Her examination was quick and precise. Time of death, approximately 1:13 in the afternoon. No sign of any trauma other than the missing arm.

The smell started to become a little overpowering in such a tiny room. Lily, and she suspected the others as well, were starting to feel a little sick.

"Thank you, gentlemen for your assistance. You may go," said the Healer. Lily was half flattered, half disappointed that Madame Pomfrey wanted her to stay.

Both men nodded and made to leave. Fortunately Hagrid's bulk blocked any chance of people being able to see in as they left. The door was almost closed behind them when Roo popped his head back in. "Don't forget you promised."

She threw a glare over her shoulder which sent him on his way.

Together they inspected the amputated limb.

"A severing charm, do you suppose?" Lily asked.

"Yes, but a rather clumsy one," Pomfrey agreed.

"Well," Lily began. "He was left handed, so it's not surprising it wasn't perfectly done. And you wouldn't be able to keep a steady hand anyway if you were about to cut off your own arm, I'd imagine."

"Why do you assume he was left handed and did this to himself?" She didn't sound sceptical, only probing.

"If it was someone else had been torturing him they would have most likely inflicted more damage than just this. He was trying to get rid of his mark, I think, which is always put on your wand arm. See?" She rolled up the sleeve of his right arm and sure enough, apart from a few scars and moles, it was unmarked.

Madame Pomfrey made no comment, only inhaled slowly through her nose. Lily saw her nostrils flare.

"He was desperate. He wanted to talk to Professor Dumbledore, that's the last thing he said. We'll never know what he wanted now though..." Lily's mind tried to think of what he might have said. Clearly he had hated being a Death Eater so much he'd taken off his whole arm to be rid of the mark. What if he had wanted to join their side? What information could he have given them? Her fists clenched so tightly at this loss of a possible mine of information that her knuckles cracked. If she had tried harder to... She shook her head. She'd done all she could think of to do at the time and it hadn't helped. Even if she'd taken him immediately to Pomfrey he still would have died before she could have got him there.

She repeated these things over in her mind to convince herself that it was true, that it wasn't her fault; that nothing she had or hadn't done would have made things turn out any differently. She knew he was a Death Eater and she should feel no sympathy for him.

_But he was clearly repentant. He didn't want to be a Death Eater._

Still, that didn't change all the bad things he'd very likely done.

_But the information he could have provided the Order would have been invaluable. That could be penance, to some degree, surely._

She didn't have time to think about that anymore. They couldn't stay in the storeroom forever and leave the rest of the wing unattended. Covering the body with a white sheet, she took back the invisibility cloak, cleaned it off, and together they left the room locking it carefully behind them. Lily made rounds of the beds while Madame Pomfrey finished filling out the report to give to the Headmaster, or rather his deputy.

"There is a staff meeting tonight," Lily informed her. "I know you can't leave but perhaps you could send a status report on the Hospital Wing."

The healing matron gave Lily a rather soul look. "Tell them it's all rainbows and puffskins," she said sarcastically.

"You and I know that, but they don't," Lily said pointedly and snatched the clipboard out of the air. It generally floated along, following the healer around. "May I borrow this for tonight?" It seemed to be a log of the past seven days. Madame Pomfrey waved a hand in a 'do as you please' gesture. Lily made a copy of that and also of the storeroom inventory, which was really almost pointless really; she could list off the items from memory already, they were so few. Two twelve ounce bottles of Skelegrow, four ounces of nose hair removal concoction, six ounces of extra strength halitosis reduction tonic, three ounces each of Standard Antivenins numbers 1, 3, and 4 and one ounce only of number two...

"Miss Evans."

The squeaky voice startled her from her catalogue.

"Oh, good afternoon, Professor Flitwick."

"From what I hear from Professor Potter it hasn't been that good at all."

"Yes, well. Erm..." She looked around awkwardly to point out to the Charms teacher that she'd rather not discuss it in the current company. Flitwick followed as she walked back over to Madame Pomfrey. "Poppy?"

The woman turned around. "What is it?"

"Thank you," she said, handing back the clipboard. "I have to go but I expect the department will come collect the body soon."

She nodded. "Will you keep me informed of what's decided? I'm often the last to know about these things."

"I'll come back directly afterwards. Besides, I promised Roo I'd let you check me out to make sure the ward isn't..." she searched for a sufficiently innocuous phrase, "too much for me. He's afraid I'll overtax myself."

The healer looked her up and down with a professional eye and seemed unworried. "Yes well, we'll see."

Flitwick chose that moment to pipe up. "Yes, we are going to inspect the wards right now, as a matter of fact. And health checks are standard procedures for warders, after all. Nothing to worry about."

"Oh I know," Lily replied. "Well, thank you for everything, Poppy. I'll see you this evening."

x

James stood in the Headmaster's office with his arms crossed over his chest, his foot tapping an impatient rhythm on the carpeted floor. He'd discovered that most of the staff, clearly in response to the 'emergency staff meeting', had arrived early. He'd been in the Headmaster's office ever since he left Flitwick's, spending most of the time with his head in the Floo or talking to Sirius in the mirror. Lily and Flitwick were two of the last to show. She put a hand on Rupert's back in greeting, gave Hagrid a nod, and acknowledged Slughorn with a small smile before turning her attention to him. She met his eyes meaningfully and tilted her head to the 'silent corner.' He nodded and walked over there where she joined him a moment later, pulling out a few sheets of parchment.

"Poppy's report," she said, brushing flakes of ash off his shoulder.

He took it from her and quickly looked it over.

"We think he did it himself."

"Went mad and tried to chop off his own mark?"

"That's what I assumed."

He simply nodded. "Hmm... approximately 43 years of age... Did he have a wand? It doesn't say."

"I don't remember there being one. I can go ask Poppy."

He looked up at her quickly. "Lily, I'm going to ask you to do something unlawful."

She looked instantly worried. "What?"

"If it were the aurors coming to get him I wouldn't mind but because there was no crime involved here regular MLE cleanup will take over. He's not in our data-base of known Death Eaters, and he has no mark, obviously, so it's therefore treated as a civilian death."

"But he's wearing the robes."

"Circumstantial evidence. It's not enough to push through on paper. Now, standard procedure is that the body and wand go to Mungo's Morgue to be identified and stays there for a period of 14 days so that family and friends can claim it if they want. Considering he most likely defected I doubt his buddies will be clamouring to give him a proper funeral. Death Eaters don't have qualms leaving fallen brethren behind but they take great pains to collect the wands, you see. Wands are like a personal history, or for a Death Eater more like a criminal record. It's a cornucopia of information. Who he's killed, tortured, imperiused, confunded, obliviated, everything."

"Won't the identifiers at St. Mungo's discover what he's done then?"

"You're forgetting, there's no warrant on him. He is protected by the Wand Privacy Policy of 1813."

"Feck, that's right."

Out of the corner of his eye he saw McGonagall conversing with a man in the fire. He knew the man, he'd seen him around the Ministry and on crime scenes. He even had a boy in Gryffindor. James stepped out from the corner.

"Was that Forsyth, Minerva?" he asked.

"Yes, he's informed me that he's sent a team to collect the body. They're apparating to Hogsmeade now."

"Damn it!" he hissed to himself.

"Body? What body?" several in the room asked but James ignored them.

"Lily!" he said, but realised she was still in the corner and hadn't heard him or what Minerva had said. He grabbed her by the wrist and yanked her out. "Go. Now. Hurry, or it'll be too late!" he barked, and practically shoved her towards the door. He saw her red hair vanish in a flash as she transformed the moving staircase into a slide so as to get down quicker. Good.

'_Fly, girl. Fly,'_ he willed.

If the staff thought him calling Lily by her first name was odd, they considered it less important than this 'body' business.

"What body?" Pomona Sprout repeated insistently.

"Shall you explain, or I?" James quietly asked Minerva. She made an open handed gesture for him to take the floor.

He cleared his throat. "Don't be alarmed," he said loudly and confidently. "No need to panic, but an unknown man in Death Eater robes died on our grounds this afternoon."

"Did you kill him?" asked Sinistra.

"No. He appeared to have died from previous injuries, trying to get to the castle."

Another loud uproar ensued. People made expostulations, conjectures, and even more questions.

"If you would please..." He raised his voice to bellow over the noise. "If you will all please be quiet I will explain what there is to know."

The room calmed and James began again. "Normally when the Headmaster is absent, ward activation notification shifts to the Deputy, however in light of the times, Professor Dumbledore shifted the wards to me, which is how I came to know the wards had been breeched..."

x

Lily flew down to the Hospital Wing as fast as her legs would carry her. She arrived, breathless and wheezing, startling the students and Madame Pomfrey.

"What is it?" the healer asked worriedly.

"Nothing," she panted. "I just think I forgot something in the storeroom."

Madame Pomfrey seemed to think this meant she wanted to talk in private about the Death Eater and followed her in. "What is it?" she asked again.

"Did he have a wand?" she asked quickly.

"I don't..."

"Accio!" she cried, focusing her thoughts on the tiny room and the wand. Only Madame Pomfrey's came to her. Lily let out a disheartened exhalation.

"What on earth?"

"Nothing, never mind. It's not here." She was still trying to catch her breath. "Sorry to worry you like that," she said, exiting the room again. "They will be here soon to—" But the entrance of the removal team made the rest of her sentence superfluous. Lily grinned and winked at Poppy and started pretending to have a hacking cough. Hunched over and with her hair hiding her face, Lily left the Hospital Wing before darting out onto the grounds again. She didn't know if they were likely to look for it, but in case they did, she was as quick as she could be with her search.

The first place she tried was where the body fell. It was twilight now, which was the trickiest time to see anything. Of course she knew that he might have come without it, but 65 percent of witches and wizards need their wands to apparate, so there was a good chance he had. The summoning spell she tried resulted in nothing. Moaning in frustration she began scanning the ground, taking the path towards Hogsmeade in case he'd dropped it on his way. She interspersed frantic searches with quick looks behind her back. She made it all the way to Hogsmeade without finding it. She wished it had snowed, then he would have left a lovely trail in the snow and she could see precisely where he'd come from. But she had no such luck and there was no way she could search the entire village, it was practically dark already.

Of course, he'd been in full Death Eater regalia, perhaps they had taken it from him. No, her mind contradicted her. Then he wouldn't have been able to cut off his arm. The way Lily imagined it was that he'd just been to a meeting with his master and something happened. Perhaps they asked him to do something terrible or impossible. Once he left the Dark Lord, he cracked, freaked out and hacked off his own arm before setting off for Hogwarts. Now, if he'd dropped it before he'd apparated then she'd never find it, but if he'd dropped it after he'd arrived, then she was determined to find it.

She closed her eyes, cleared her mind and took a deep breath. Summoning charms worked if one knew generally where the object would be. She'd just have to broaden the term 'general' in her mind until it encompassed all of Hogwarts and Hogsmeade. No, better do one, then the other. First she focussed on the Hogsmeade path, picturing it all clearly in her mind. _Accio!_

_..._ Nothing.

Disheartened but not defeated she tried again, this time expanding her mind as wide as it would go. Somewhere in Hogsmeade village was a wand on the earth. Only on the earth, she thought, remembering what happened with Madame Pomfrey's in the storeroom and not wanting to summon every wand in the village. The dead Death Eater's wand was on the ground somewhere. She knew that. Willed it to be true. Willed the whole village of Hogsmeade to be small enough for a functional summoning charm, small enough for just a simple _accio!_

She held her breath and waited... and waited. And she heard it, the whooshing of a small object zipping towards her from the trees. Her cry of triumph left her just as she saw a group of men approaching from the distance.

She swore under her breath and darted into the nearest section of forest, hoping that she hadn't been seen. She clutched both wands to her tightly. She felt she was almost hyperventilating when they walked right by her section of the forest. She was taken by surprise when she felt a sudden tug on the wand she'd only just found but she clutched it tighter, refusing to relinquish it to the spell. She could see they were moving in sections, trying to summon the wand in regular manageable intervals. She felt the tugs grow weaker and weaker as they moved further on, trying to get the wand as its true owner floated grotesquely behind them.

Only when she was certain they'd given up on finding the wand and apparated away did she exhale. She stepped backward to rest a moment against the tree behind her but she trod on something that made her almost lose her footing. She looked down to see what it was.

She gasped, jumped away, looked at it again, and promptly vomited on the spot.

She'd stepped on a human hand, attached to a human arm, with the image of a serpent protruding from a skull tattooed on the skin.

She sat there gasping, trying not to vomit again, trying to look away. She didn't think anything could tear her gaze away from that ghastly sight but something did.

A voice.

A _familiar _voice.

One that had cackled happily as it held her under the cruciatus.

"Keep looking Rastaban!" she spat. "The map doesn't lie. He apparated here, he must be nearby."

Quick, she had to do something. It could be anything but it had to be now!

Her body remained frozen.

The voices and the footsteps drew closer and she felt her lungs compress and burn because she wasn't breathing.

'_You've got my cloak, so use it!_' said a voice in her mind. James. It startled her into action and she fumbled with her robes until she had withdrawn the cloak and she had shakily and not at all adeptly thrown it over herself. She wobbled away from the severed arm, stumbling as if she were under the jelly leg jinx.

"What was that?"

She froze again. A fox, just beyond her, looked started, wondering if it ought to flee now, or take the arm and then run.

"_Avada Kedavra!_"

A streak of green whizzed so terrifyingly close by her that she felt the wind of the passing Unforgivable graze her leg. Seeing the approaching light, the creature squeaked but then moved no more.

"Just a fox," said the man. "By Morgana!" he exclaimed. "Bella, come look, I've found part of him."

It was then the two moved from behind her and finally stepped into view.

"Vile betrayer!" Bellatrix cried passionately upon seeing the beloved mark discarded, unwanted. Lily watched as the woman pulled up her sleeve and stroked her own mark lovingly. It seemed to calm her.

"It's obvious what he was trying to do. Either he's now dead or with the old fool," said the man.

The mad, ecstatic expression still in place, Bellatix bent over, picked up the hacked off arm, eyed its mark and... licked it.

Lily, eyes wide in violent disbelief and still gripping the dead man's wand tightly in her fist, bit deeply into the muscled part of her thumb, trying to use the pain to overpower the urge to scream or vomit.

The madwoman started laughing and gripping the bloody end and holding it like she would a sword or a wand, began playfully jabbing the man with it. She even used the dead man's hand to slap the live one's face.

"That's enough Bella!" he said, looking repulsed. "Accio wand!" Despite the man being so close, his attempt to summon the wand was entirely ineffective. Lily was holding on to that thing for dear life. Not even the clutches of rigor mortis could compare to the vice like grip with which Lily held to that wand, or how powerfully her teeth were clenched around her hand that held it. "There's nothing left to be done here."

"But what about this?" she asked, stroking the dark mark on the dead arm again.

"Leave it for the wolves." He snatched it from her and she pouted a bit. "Go on."

He waited for Bellatrix to disapparate first. Once certain she wasn't going to try and come back for the severed limb he tossed it carelessly over his shoulder and disappeared himself. It hit Lily in the stomach. She vomited again, all over the invisibility cloak.

She probably stood there for five full minutes before reason told her to move. There would be time to go into shock later, she told herself. Right now she needed to get back to the castle. She needed to see James.

Lily cleaned herself and the cloak as best she could and after a minute of stomach churning debate, conjured a flannel, wrapped up the arm and the wand with it, and took the bundle with her into Hogsmeade.

She'd made up her mind to just use the Hogshead fireplace so she could get back to James as soon as possible. She walked into the pub, sickeningly aware of what she was holding in her left hand. She made eye contact with Aberforth.

"I need your floo," she deadpanned. He nodded, seeming to understand something was wrong. She crossed the room, eyes fixated on the fireplace as if it was her salvation. She wove through people, trying to get by as quickly as she could. She was so close to her refuge, she could almost feel James' arms around her when a figure stepped in her way.

It was the first time she'd ever been truly afraid of Severus Snape.

She had no idea what he would do, if he knew why she was there, if he was supposed to stop her. At that moment, in her panic addled brain she believed him capable of anything. His eyes bore into her and she cringed, her eyes tightly shut and arms crossed protectively over her middle, waiting for it, whatever 'it' might be.

When the blow finally came she was still surprised by it. She hadn't expected him to physically beat her over the head. The pain was blinding. She stumbled forward a few steps but somehow didn't fall down. Her hand went to the back of her head where she could now feel where most of the pain was concentrated. Yet for some reason her mind was still rejecting what was happening.

Her head was reeling. How had he hit her from behind? He was standing several feet in front of her. She turned around and opened her eyes, blinking several times trying to get the image into focus.

"Not this time, you don't," he said.

"Severus?" It didn't look like Severus at all. Nor did it sound like him. Severus didn't have an Irish accent.

In a moment it clicked and she was suddenly aware again. She was about to curse the werewolf who had attacked her from behind while she had been distracted by Severus, but then everything suddenly became a confused blur again as she was dragged backward, tumbling and falling until she felt the world finally stop, firm and solid beneath her. Nauseated and head splitting she forced herself up off the ground and stood ready to properly fight this time... only to find herself pointing her wand at the fireplace in Dumbledore's office.

It took another second for her to work that through. Someone, Aberforth or-- Merlin help her, maybe even Severus-- had been thinking quickly and tossed the powder into the flame and shoved her back into school and out of danger.

She stared at the fire for a moment making sure that no one would follow her through. When she finally looked away she saw James standing in front of her. She wanted to collapse into his arms. She was home. She was safe. She was loved. She was...

She was being yelled at? That was certainly not okay.

x

James let the others argue about what ought to be done in light of recent events. He didn't really think anything more _could_ be done, short of shepherding the students from class to class and keeping them locked in their dorms at all other times but that was a touch extreme. Only last week they'd implemented a new curfew and more rigorous patrols along with a number of other things. What more could they possibly come up with? No, he'd let the rest of the staff argue it out, he was too busy contemplating other things.

Like where the hell was Lily, for starters. She'd been gone over an hour, more than enough time to run to the Hospital Wing and back. His imagination started plaguing him again. While they might have secured it so that they'd know if any Death Eaters entered the school, that didn't account for the faceless person or persons unknown already _within_ its walls who wanted to do her harm. He'd been busy up here and nearly every adult was cooped up in this office. He began pacing behind Dumbledore's desk.

A few minutes later Pomona asked, "What do you think, Potter?"

He stopped his pacing and bit out, "I think that just because a Death Eater decided to defect doesn't mean we should change our current system. The students aren't any less safe now than they were before. This was barely even an incident." It just meant more paperwork for him because the Death Eater decided to die on his turf. However it might be worth it if he could get the wand. Damn it where was the girl!

He resumed his pacing and continued to ignore his colleagues. Or he tried. He was doing rather well too until he heard his name.

"Is there something wrong, Potter?" asked Hooch sharply. Hooch said everything sharply, he noticed.

"What? No, nothing."

He didn't stop his pacing until several minutes later when the fireplace exploded in green and Lily Evans came tumbling out in a graceless heap. He stood there, staring at her disbelievingly as she pushed herself off the floor.

He strode over to her. "Where the hell have you been?" he demanded.

For a moment she looked completely dumbfounded as if she'd never seen him before, but then she lashed out, suddenly livid. "Where have I been?" she screeched. "I've been doing precisely what you told me to do you ungrateful git; and if the next words out of your mouth are anything but 'Thank you Lily Evans' so help me James I will tear you to pieces and use you for potion ingredients!" she shouted. She looked disturbingly serious as vicious sparks leapt unbidden from her wand and furious magic radiated off her in waves, as was usual when she was in a rage. Then all of a sudden the sparks stopped and the colour drained from her face and she started violently, dropping a cloth bundle to the floor with a thud. She stared at it, then at him. "I didn't mean that!" she said desperately, shaking her head. "I didn't mean it."

Perhaps it was the way she was looking at him, but he began to take it all in, putting things together. A large bruise was appearing on her cheek, her eyes weren't focused, she had blood on her hand, she smelled like vomit, and she must have left Hogwarts entirely if she returned by floo.

All the worried anger he'd been feeling at having been kept waiting melted into almost panicked concern. Something wasn't right. Lily wasn't supposed to look that dazed and confused, that worried, lost, and hurt. "Shh... shh..." he said, taking another step towards her, and placing his hands on her shoulders. Slowly and calmly he said, "Thank you... Lily Evans. It's okay now," he whispered. "I'm here. You're alright."

She sank to her knees and her hand went to the back of her head again. He knelt down too.

"It hurts," she mumbled.

"You'll be okay," he told her, no idea what hurt or why, how or even if it could be healed. "What happened?"

"She licked it," said Lily numbly.

"Who? Licked what?" James asked confusedly, trying his best to be patient and not get frustrated with nonsensical answers.

"Bellatrix," she answered. James' heart nearly stopped. Past images of Bellatrix and Lily flashed through his mind.

"Okay, babe," he said, his voice quavering as he spoke. "I'm going to take you to the Hospital Wing now." If Bellatrix Lestrange was involved she was very likely in desperate need of healing.

"She licked the Dark Mark," Lily went on, ignoring him. She brought her hands down from her head again. They were both bloody now. She stared at them as she spoke. "She just picked it off the ground and _licked_ it."

James was finding it difficult to breathe. "What did she do to you?" he asked, amazed that his voice sounded so normal now when a moment before his voice had been breaking.

"Nothing. She didn't get me. Not this time. Missed. Killed the thing... the... the fox instead."

He gently touched his fingertips over the bruise on the side of her face. She'd said she hadn't been hit, but clearly she had. His hand travel down to see if she was still wearing the Dragon's Eye. He was almost disappointed to find it there. That meant it had failed to protect her from whatever it was that had struck her. For she obviously had been hit with something, she was just very much confused.

"Lily," he said patiently. "You're hurt."

"I _know_," she said with equal patience. "Hence the pain."

He rubbed his face with a large hand, wishing desperately that they were on the same page. "You aren't making any sense, heart."

"I was trying to get back to you but he..." She trailed off, not finishing the statement.

"What did he do?" Again, being this patient was killing him. He should have taken Lily down to see Poppy the moment she came out of the fire.

"I have no idea. I don't even remember why I was out there in the first place."

"I... I asked you to do something for me."

Her face broke into a smile. "Oh that's right. I did it, James. I found it." She pointed to the bundle she'd dropped earlier. It didn't much look like a wand to him. He reached out for it. He grasped a corner of the fabric, gave it a tug, and out flopped a human arm. He didn't have to guess whose it was, the Mark was clearly visible. Shocked exclamations came from throughout the room, reminding him that he wasn't alone. He hadn't told them that the Death Eater had been armless, simply that he had died on campus. Now, no doubt, his colleagues would think he sent Lily out on a mission to retrieve a severed limb marked with the sign of Voldemort.

What he did ask her for was lying there too, inoffensively next to the dead limb of its owner.

While they had all been content to stay silent and watch up until then, the room was now in an uproar. McGonagall was trying to quiet everyone down.

"Come on, I should have had you in the Hospital Wing ages ago." Actually it probably hadn't even been five minutes since she'd come through the fire. He tried to help her up but she didn't seem to want to stand on her own.

"I'm coming too," said Ferris.

"Of course you are. Mind picking up that wand on the ground there? Yes the one next to the arm."

Rupert looked unenthusiastic at the prospect, but James was glad to see the boy wasn't squeamish and picked it up anyway.

"Thanks." He pocketed it before scooping Lily up into his arms. He could levitate her of course, but he wanted to physically hold her to him. It made him feel better.

Thankfully, her time in the Hospital Wing was quite short. It took only a moment for Madame Pomfrey to determine that the injury hadn't been magically inflicted at all, which came almost as a relief to James. While the idea of Lily being physically mauled wasn't pleasant, and the bloody gash simply the result of having a stein broken over her head was equally displeasing, it was still better than the alternative. Most witches, and wizards for that matter, were weakest to a physical assault. Well, he'd just have to see that she learned.

"You'll have a fearsome headache I'm afraid," Poppy told her.

"I know, thank you," she said dryly.

Madame Pomfrey turned back to him. "I have no blood replenisher, but she hasn't lost enough to be very worrying. The head injury isn't so bad but see that she eats and rests. One never knows when the shock will kick in.

"Why are you telling him this instead of me?" James was reminded of a time several months ago. He had asked the healer the very same question when she was telling Lily _his_ healing instructions.

"Because, Miss Evans, then I'll be sure it's done. You neglect yourself every chance you get."

Lily didn't have a chance to argue, for Ferris spoke next. "Lils, what about the erm..."

There was a pause where no one spoke.

"Oh, the wards." she said at last.

"Do you still even have them up?" James asked.

"Of course I do!" she shot back, offended.

"You sure?"

"Yes, I can feel it, still tickling my insides, like ants."

"All the time?" he asked, partially disgusted with the image.

"All the time," she confirmed. "I'd be a terrible warder if I dropped it at the first sign of trouble. I'll thank you for showing a bit more confidence in me."

"That's not what... I was just worried, that's all."

"Puh."

Lily started glowing, and Madame Pomfrey made an inspective circle around her.

"All in order," she announced, then put a hand on Lily's shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "Everything's fine."

"See Roo? I told you."

"Sorry," he said sheepishly. "I guess I was just..."

Lily stepped toward him and enveloped him in a tight embrace. He clung back, whispering something in her ear.

"I know," she said quietly back. "Thank you."

"When I worry I get snapped at. When he worries he gets a hug. That hardly seems fair, does it?" he asked the healer.

She shrugged, eyes glistening slightly as she watched the Head Boy and Girl.

Finally Lily pulled away. "We ought to get back to the Headmaster's office, then. I erm... must have caused quite a stir."

.

'A stir' was a bit of an understatement as it turned out.

They made their way back to the meeting, thinking that at least Minerva would still be there. He was reaching for the door handle when she took his hand to stop him. "James, wait. Before we go back in, I wanted to thank you." She pressed a kiss into his palm and looked up at him, her thumb rubbing where her lips had just been. "You saved my life in the forest and you weren't even there." She brought his hand to her cheek. "Thank you. You're... you're..."

He was kissing her whether Ferris was there or not, that's what he was. Actually, James thought he might have done it regardless of who saw, but his mind was too preoccupied at that moment to perceive that for the recklessness that it was.

Once they'd pulled away he said, "Ready?"

The moment they opened the door, a din fell upon their ears. However once people realised they were standing there it slowly hushed to a tense silence, everyone staring at them expectantly.

To his surprise, it was Horace Slughorn who spoke first.

"Are you quite alright, my dear?"

Clearly he was addressing Lily, who looked slightly embarrassed and more than slightly surprised. "Oh." She blinked a few times before recovering herself. "Yes, thank you. I'm sorry I disrupted the meeting."

Then it was Filius Flitwick who spoke. "And the wards?" he asked eagerly.

"Never wavered," she said proudly. "I've just seen Madame Pomfrey. She can confirm that they still hold strong despite..." She seemed reluctant to relate what had actually happened to her. It just then occurred to him that _he_ didn't know what had happened either. He'd been so preoccupied with Lily's health that beyond the successful completion of the task he'd set her he hadn't a clue as to what happened outside the fact that somehow Bellatrix Lestrange was involved and another unknown party in the Hogshead.

"Despite... everything," she finished.

"Excellent, Miss Evans, excellent. I expected nothing less."

She smiled and whispered sarcastically out of the corner of her mouth, "_See, _some_ people believe in me._" He could tell from her smirk that she was only teasing him.

"_Oh shush. You know I do,_" he whispered back with equal cheek.

"The girl?" asked Madame Hooch. "I thought you said they were your own, Filius."

"Not at all," he squeaked. "I merely explained how the inimicus wards function."

"Filius..." started Professor Sinistra uncertainly. "Shouldn't _you_ be the castle warder? No disrespect to you, Miss Evans. I understand that, at the time, you had to act quickly, but perhaps now that things are calmed slightly, ought we not shift them to the Charms Master?" The astronomy teacher looked around the room, seeking confirmation.

"_Ow_," Rupert hissed to his side. James looked over to see the boy trying to extract his hand from Lily's furious grip.

Ah yes, she had seen this coming, that's why she had seemed so resentful before in front of the Transfiguration classroom. She knew the staff wouldn't likely trust her wards. That's why she had insisted Flitwick go out and inspect them, that way it couldn't be contended. He saw that very same flash of bitterness and even a touch of what seemed to be... sad resignation? Her expression continued to fall as others voiced their agreement.

"Surely."

"Yes, quite."

"I'd certainly feel better."

Lily sighed, her jaw locked and shoulders drooped for only a moment before they snapped back in an act of still professionalism. She stepped forward and extended her wand tip towards the tiny man. "Ready when you are, Professor," she said strongly. James wondered if anyone else could see the defeat in her eyes, if not her posture.

Flitwick reached up and pushed her wand down with his hand. She blinked, trying not to let her hope read too plainly on her face. "I couldn't do any better myself," he told her, giving her hand a grandfatherly pat. She finally smiled, though it was a shy one, barely visible.

"That means a lot, sir. Thank you."

"Are you quire sure, Filius?" asked Dippet.

"Oh yes. You might remember that witches usually have more powerful protective magic."

"Then perhaps a female member of staff..." She trailed off, shooting a Minerva an imploring look.

"Perhaps you're right, Professor Dippet," said James. Lily actually gasped aloud, whipping around and fixing him with a look of utter betrayal. He ignored her. "And may I say how very kind of you it was to offer," he added pointedly.

Both Lily and Dippet looked at him in open-mouthed disbelief. He reached over to the redhead and closed her mouth with an index finger. Both witches knew what he was doing, no doubt everyone else did too. He probably ought to have cared, but he didn't. He was tired of people doubting her suitability as no doubt Lily was too, not that she'd ever speak up for herself in these surroundings. It didn't escape his notice, however, that those who had objected were those who hadn't taught her in an applied magics class. Herbology, Astronomy, Ancient Runes, Flying, and Muggle Studies were mostly non-wand classes, and also classes that Lily didn't currently take. None of her current professors, those who had seen what she was capable of with (and even without) her wand seemed to doubt her ability.

Dippet said nothing, but cast pleading looks around the room. She knew she didn't have that level of magic.

"No?" asked James. "Professor Vector, perhaps? Or Sinistra?"

Both shook their heads. He didn't want to ask Pomona or Hooch, because he rather liked them and didn't feel the need to embarrass them in front of everyone else. Finally he turned on Minerva, the real power house, hoping that she would do the decent thing and decline.

"Professor McGonagall?"

Her lips pursed together for a moment. He thought that she was most likely unimpressed with this little stunt, but when she spoke he could tell it was the result of her suppressing a smile.

"My forte is Transfiguration, Potter."

He gave her a covert smile that doubled as both apology and thanks.

"Now that we've got that settled perhaps we could continue?" he suggested with barely concealed impatience.

"Yes, we were just discussing whether or not to tell the students."

"No," said several of the Professors, including James himself and Rupert.

"But," said Lily quietly, as if she were trying to speak only so that he, Ferris and McGonagall could hear. "It will very likely be in the paper, if not tomorrow then soon. It would shock the students even more to have to learn about it second-hand. They might wonder what else they aren't being told. Might it not be better to tell them on our own terms, rather that let them find out from _The Prophet_?" She spat the name of the periodical. "Who knows what _they_ will turn this into. They could... oh I don't know, intimidate people by making it sound as if Death Eaters had penetrated Hogwarts."

"Erm... didn't they?" asked Slughorn.

Once again, James was reminded that he _still _didn't know the full story. "No," replied Lily. "Well, _technically_ yes but only..." She turned to him. "Actually, can I talk to you for a moment?"

"I was just about to suggest that. Give us a minute, will you Minerva?"

The Scotswoman nodded and they retreated to the privacy of the quiet corner yet again.

x

They pretended to talk amongst themselves as they waited for the auror and the redhead to have their conference, but most gave up after a minute and watched the pair openly as they carried out their discussion. It was rather fascinating, watching their facial expressions but being completely unable to hear what they were saying. It started out innocently enough, Lily was explaining, using simple hand gestures the way one normally does when telling a story. Potter stood there listening with a professional look on his face, arms crossed over his shoulder, nodding every once in a while as she spoke.

It was obvious to Roo and everyone else watching when the story (whatever it was) got interesting because both their expressions changed. She was saying something that made Potter ask, what was clearly, an angry question. Lily lifted her head indignantly, stood on tiptoe to be more eye to eye with the auror and poked him in the chest, saying something that of course they couldn't hear, but obviously throwing the point back in his face. They glared at each other for a moment before he made a gesture for her to continue. She did so. Neither of them stayed angry for long, it seemed, because when she picked up the story again Lily started fidgeting, (or was it shaking?) and seemed to look anywhere but at him. Potter, on the other hand dropped his hands to his sides and clenched both jaws and fists, staring at her intently. He seemed to force out a question, struggling to stay calm. Lily immediately made little placating, negating gestures. Potter took a deep breath and Roo could read his lips the two words 'Go on.'

Roo almost started shaking in sympathy with her; she looked so uncomfortable telling the next bit. Potter too seemed distressed and a look of revulsion so intense came over his face he thought the auror was going to be sick. Lily certainly looked like it. She rolled up her sleeve, held her right arm at the elbow with her left hand, and slapped Potter across the face with it. Not hard at all. This caused Potter to look disgusted all over again.

Lily continued on with the story. Roo could tell when she got to the part about being attacked in the Hogshead because her hand went to the back of her head again. Potter shocked everyone when a great silver stag jumped from his wand and disappeared out the window. They both seemed calmer at this point and they continued speaking. Lily was describing something and, by the looks of it, it infuriated Potter once again, leaving Roo (and everyone else) to wonder what was it they could possibly be talking about that would enflame him so. His nostrils flared and he stared angrily at the wall behind her head, but didn't say anything. Next moment, as if his mind was suddenly made up, he strode right out of the corner, making his way to the door.

"No!" Lily cried. A shot of purple light shot out from her hand, crashing into the door. Of course by the time Potter reached it, it was locked. He slammed his fist into the door in irritation.

"Open it," he demanded.

"No," she said again. Her stance was defensive, her arms crossed stubbornly over her chest.

Even as he started striding to the fireplace it was being blocked off by a rapidly self-building brick wall.

"Let me out you infuriating woman!"

"No."

They stood facing one another, both of them radiating raw magical energy they seemed completely unaware of.

Potter suddenly reached into his robes, withdrawing a small pouch, and from that, a mirror. "Sirius!"

The voice of Sirius Black echoed a moment later. "Yeah, mate?"

"Is Remus around?"

"He's here, why?"

"I need you to go round the Hogshead and search for a familiar face."

"Could you be more specific?"

"The one who attacked Lily a few weeks ago."

"That's not exactly a short-list now is it?" Roo had known Black long enough to be able to hear the very dangerousness hiding just beneath the joking tone.

"Remus will recognise him, the lout broke his nose, after all."

"Oh. _Him._"

"Yeah. Him."

Lily tried to reach out and take the mirror away but Potter flung out an arm and held her back.

"What did he do?"

"Round three, it would seem."

"Three? When was two?"

"Later, Padfoot. Just get Moony and go, before the bastard leaves."

"Sirius no!" Lily shouted.

"Sorry, Cariad," Black said, not sounding apologetic in the least.

The mirror was returned to the place from where it had come, and Potter turned to face Lily again.

"Why _didn't_ you tell me about the second time?"

"Because it wasn't a big deal! I can handle myself!"

"Oh clearly!" he spat. "That's why you came tumbling in here bleeding copiously from the head! Because you can _handle _yourself."

"I was a bit preoccupied at the time! I was too busy worried about the Death Eater in front of me to notice the werewolf behind me!" Lily seemed to realise only too late that she hadn't meant to say that.

Another short but intense silence followed.

"You said you left the two of them in the forest. Are you telling there was a third in the village?"

Lily swallowed hard, but was momentarily saved the trouble of speaking, for a patronus in the shape of a goat spirited into the room. "Don't thank me, it was the other fellow," came a gruff voice Rupert didn't recognise.

The goat faded away, and slowly, dangerously, Potter turned to face Lily. "What. Other. Fellow?" he asked.

Lily's chest was heaving with nervous breaths but her answer was calm and quiet. "You don't want to know."

Potter growled, _actually_ growled and said, "I think I already do." Then comprehension seemingly dawned as he made a connection no one else in the room had a hope of making. "You were protecting him?" he asked incredulously, in a voice so low Rupert doubted if anyone else had heard.

"No! It's just you _know_ how Sirius would react!"

"You tried to stop me before I even spoke to Sirius!"

"Because I knew you'd just fly off the handle, like you always do and you'd walk into the same bloody mess _I _did. You don't think straight when you're angry, James. You'd have been too busy looking for the werewolf you wouldn't have even seen the other danger. He'd have you out in an instant."

"He can't bloody touch me. He owes me a life debt!"

"_He_ can't touch you but what if he's not alone? What if Bellatrix and Rastaban returned? Or someone else? And now Sirius and Remus are out there and they aren't protected by a life debt. Oh for pity's sake James, call them away!" She was trembling with worry now, her eyes shining with frantic tears.

There was a faint pop, as someone apparated into the room.

"Would someone care to tell my why I was locked out of my own office?" the Headmaster asked pleasantly. He looked around the room to see the entire gathering of teachers and Head students. Each and everyone one of them was looking at the wizened wizard with open surprise.

"It wasn't meant to keep you out, sir. Just certain people in," said Lily, giving Potter a censorious look, but taking down the barricades all the same. "Sorry, Headmaster." She turned back to Potter and whispered desperately, "_Please_ call them off?"

Potter whispered back threateningly. "_Are you sure you know who you're trying to protect_?"

"Yessssss."

"Am I correct in assuming we were in the midst of a staff meeting?" asked Professor Dumbledore.

"Yes, sir. We were discussing whether or not the students ought to be informed of today's incident," answered Lily. Rupert's mind reeled as he realised that _had_ been what they had been discussing before this whole other thing began. It was a good thing Lily had answered because it didn't appear as if anyone else would... or even _could_.

The Headmaster, having been at the Ministry all day, was already aware of what had occurred.

"And?"

"We hadn't yet reached a decision," McGonagall finally chimed in. "We were waiting for more information when you arrived, Albus."

Everyone's glances went back to Lily and Potter. She was tugging on his sleeve, no doubt still on him about contacting Black.

"Ah." The Headmaster's eyes found the severed limb which had been placed on his desk for the time being and his expression darkened.

Potter explained that the principle concern was that Death Eaters may attempt to retrieve their lost fellow from where they believe he resides within the castle under the Headmaster's protection. Until they found out the man they sought to silence was dead in St. Mungo's it was a possibility they might attempt to breech the castle to recover him. It wasn't probable, but it was possible. He'd given what must have been a _very_ edited account of what happened, because he said nothing that merited getting in a shouting match as he and Lily obviously had. He stated merely that two Death Eaters had been sighted in the Forest outside Hogsmeade, and another in the village, but from what intelligence they had (he shot a meaningful look at Lily) their business there was strictly to retrieve, with no active plan against the school or its students.

Lily worried her lip throughout the discussion. They had just decided to make an announcement to the students at dinner, which meant in another twenty minutes, when Sirius Black stepped gracefully out of the fireplace, brushing soot and ash off him with practiced ease.

"Sirius!" Lily cried with relief, and left Potter's side to fling herself into the arms of the man who just arrived. Black chuckled.

"Hello, Cariad."

"You're not hurt?"

"Of course not," he said with overwhelming complacency and kissed her temple.

The fire turned green again, letting in a man Rupert recognised as Lily's former long-standing crush, Remus Lupin, and yet another time, admitting a shorter man Rupert had also seen at the Quidditch match Saturday, whom he could barely recall from first year as being named Peter Pettigrew.

"Lily!"

"Remus!"

They hugged each other tightly.

"You alright?" he asked concernedly.

"I was going to ask you the same thing."

"Not a mark on me that wasn't already there," he said with a small grin. "You?"

"I've been to Madame Pomfrey already; she sorted me out in a second. No lasting damage, everything's fine."

"Good." He kissed her forehead and let her go, allowing her to repeat the same performance with Pettigrew.

"Peter," she said, kissing him on both cheeks. "You're not hurt?"

"Naw," he said, grinning. "You sure do attract trouble, don't you Lily," he commented good-naturedly. She smiled back at him.

"I suppose that's why the aurors like to keep me around. Save them the trouble of looking. But I am sorry you got dragged into it. Your dunderhead of a friend threw you into a situation incognizant of the danger he was putting you in because he's an impulsive and reckless prat ."

"Yes, he gets that from me," said Black fondly as he returned to her, slinging a careless arm over her shoulder. She instantly relaxed into him, taking obvious comfort in the embrace. Her eyes even closed for a moment and she let out a sigh. It really did look like she and Black were lovers. Whatever fleetingly tender displays the auror and Head Girl might have displayed during the evening were forgotten in light of the open and obvious affection of Sirius Black.

"Forgive the intrusion, Albus," said Black smoothly smirking maddeningly at the Headmaster.

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled back. "Not at all, Messers Lupin, Pettigrew, and Black. You always provide for interesting visits, but if you wouldn't mind waiting a moment? We were just about to conclude the staff meeting."

"By all means," said Black, gesturing for them to continue. Compared to the rest of the meeting, the conclusion of it was rather underwhelming. Patrol timetables were re-established, Lily made a report as regards to the hospital wing, reading the depressing statistics off sheets of parchment, Slughorn made mention that he'd be brewing that evening after dinner, and then Dumbledore declared the meeting's end. Everyone milled about for a few minutes, not having time to go back to their offices before dinner and more than eager to discuss the evening's developments amongst themselves. They cast curious looks over towards the fireplace, where Lily and Black stood outlined by the flames. It was a pretty scene; he was looking down at her tenderly, cupping her cheek in a hand. Roo wanted to snort at how much Black was playing it up for his audience.

"He'll never hurt you again, Cariad."

"Sirius you didn't..." she said worriedly.

"No," he said earnestly. "I didn't."

Lily sighed with relief. "Then what _did_ you do."

"Just put a good healthy dose of fear into him, that's all."

Her scepticism was made plain on her face and she looked to the other two for confirmation. They suddenly looked away and pretended to be in the midst of an enthralling discussion about wart remover.

They couldn't have been more obvious if they had clasped their hands behind their backs and started whistling.

Potter was now speaking to McGonagall and Dumbledore in low tones and Black took Lily over to the corner where they spoke in private. No doubt she was rehashing the whole thing. Rupert clenched his fist wondering when it would be his turn just as Lily looked at him and beckoned him with a finger.

"I was just telling Sirius, and thought you'd want to know too."

"I was a bit curious, yea," he said with a casual shrug, meanwhile mentally shouting at her to get on with it.

She did, quickly and succinctly explaining what she had been doing and what had happened. Roo noticed that she didn't mention the names of any of the Death Eaters as she had with him and Potter, but perhaps it wasn't important.

"They appeared, found the arm, assumed he was safe or dead, tried to summon the wand, and when they didn't get it they left. I was trying to get back to school via the fireplace in the Hogshead when I was prevented. That's it, really."

Well, _that_ was a lie, there was no doubt. He was about to give Lily 'The Look' but she gripped his hand tightly, signalling that she was aware he knew, but begged him not to speak. He silently acquiesced but _would_ get it out of her later.

x

Lily bade farewell to Remus, Peter and Sirius and she and Roo left the office, leading him quickly to her rooms. There she told him the _whole_ of the story, including Bellatrix, including Severus. Rupert was the only person, she imagined, who wasn't disgusted by their past friendship... herself and Severus included.

Roo just sat there listening. It was easier to tell him the truth, he wouldn't fly into a fit, nor did she have to worry about upsetting him with news of his clearly insane relatives.

"He's related to her? The one who put you under the Cruciatus in December?"

"Cousins," she confirmed with a nod.

"Blimey."

"His family is a sensitive subject, so I didn't mention it. Severus is even more taboo. You saw how James reacted; Sirius would have been a hundred times worse."

"But... he helped you out though, right? He pushed you out of the way," said Roo confusedly.

"I think that makes it even more inexcusable in his eyes," Lily admitted.

"Oh." He paused, thinking. "I see," he said, and she truly believed he did. "You know you have to be more careful, Lily."

"I wasn't badly hurt," she protested. "Madame Pomfrey said I was fine and it wasn't as if I purposefully—"

"That's not what I meant," he said sternly. "If you aren't careful people will catch on. That was quite a show you and Potter put on back there."

Lily buried her face in her hands. That had been the last thing on her mind. In truth, at the time she hadn't even seen him as the man with whom she shared a bed. He was just James; predominately auror and friend. She groaned. "How bad do you think it is?"

"No telling," he replied honestly. "But you don't bawl someone out so completely like that if you don't care for them."

"Do you think they know?"

"I couldn't say. They know you're closer than you ought to be, that much was inescapable."

"Merlin, Roo what am I going to do? I can't get expelled."

"You could snog Black publicly and remove all doubt from suspicious minds."

Lily grimaced at the thought. "What a rotten day this has been. And he's so angry with me, for going off in the forest on my own, for being taken off guard in the Hogshead, for trying to keep them away from Severus."

"_Were_ you trying to protect him?" he asked.

"I don't know!" she said frustratedly, then sighed. "_I don't know._"

The portrait hole swung open, admitting an impressive looking James. He stood there, stately and powerful. "Would you excuse us, Ferris?" he asked.

Roo gave her a look that seemed to say 'Good luck,' and he left. Lily wished he'd stay, she was too tired for anymore arguing.

When the portrait hole shut again James took slow purposeful steps toward her.

"Look, James, I know you're angry with me but can we please not fight anymore? Or at least leave off until tomorrow? I just..." She stood and went to the window, turning her back to him so he couldn't see her face. "I can't handle you shouting at me anymore," she admitted weakly. "I'm sorry for everything and I know how furious you are, you've made it abundantly clear, but—"

His chest was so warm against her back, his hands so possessive as they traced her curves, his voice, so beautifully deep as it rumbled in her ear. "I'm not going to fight with you, Lily." Her head automatically fell to the side and she enjoyed a frisson as his lips found the pulse point just below her ear. "James I'm so sorry," she whispered.

"Shh..." He held her more tightly too him and breathed deeply. For a minute they just stayed that way. Lily had no complaint. This was infinitely better than shouting. Infinitely better than anything, really.

All too soon he sighed and released her. "I have to go," he said. "I just... needed that."

So had she. "When will you be back?"

"Soon. I have to be here in case something else happens. I'm just picking up a few things. I'll be here when you've finished brewing."

"They'll take over four hours, so it'll be past one."

"Alright." He kissed her gently and turned to leave.

"Do you want the cloak?" she asked.

He stopped mid stride. "No," he said at last. "You keep it. And use it."

She nodded, though he couldn't have seen, and he left. She'd be dead if she hadn't had that cloak and she could tell he had been thinking along the same lines. She'd been so lucky today. If she had been standing but an inch further to the right, Bellatrix's killing curse would have hit her. Either they would have discovered her corpse by tripping over it, or they might have walked by her, unknowing. No one would have known. No one would ever have found her body, or known that she was even dead.

She shuddered, hugging herself around the middle, inexpressibly thankful to be alive.

There was still half an hour of dinner left, so she went down to the Great Hall to stuff herself, as the Healer and her stomach dictated. She sat in her usual seat with the Quidditch team. "And?" asked Roo.

"We're fine," she said, then realising that's what she would have said if she were lying said, "wonderful, even." Her smile reassured him.

"Lily, you missed Dumbledore's announcement."

"We know," she said, holding her hands out as if they would actually block his words. She didn't want to talk about it anymore. She dug into her stew as the conversation was awkwardly redirected to much less distressing topics.

"So Evans, Ferris," said Forsyth, the fifth year beater. "What's the business with this ball, eh? Wot's it going to be like?"

"It's a dance, Francis," said Roo. "There will be dancing, music, refreshments and decorations. Pretty standard."

"Are you taking anyone?" Lily asked politely.

"Yea," he said unenthusiastically. Lily almost wanted to laugh at the boy's tone. "Phillipa Cussler. You know, from Hufflepuff."

"But she's really sweet," she remarked. Lily knew the 5th year prefect well.

"Yea, well. Leona was already going with someone else, so when Phillipa asked..." He shrugged indifferently.

"I know how you feel mate," said Roo. "I'm stuck with _this_ hag over here." He pointed a thumb at Lily and she elbowed him in the ribs.

.

For security's sake, Lily walked back up to her room to put on the cloak, then went down to the dungeons. Horace was just taking starting to adjust the flames.

"Hello sir," she greeted, removing the imperturbable charm from the cauldrons they were to use that evening. He looked slightly awkward, as if he didn't know how to address her after that horrific scene she'd made upstairs.

"Yes... erm... Hello, my dear."

She sighed. "Let me apologise for what happened at the meeting. It was unprofessional. It had been a stressful day and a stressful situation and we handled it badly. I'm sorry for making you and everyone else uncomfortable."

"You needn't apologise for that," he said. "We were just concerned. It's seems to be a great burden you kids take on."

Lily was trebly startled: one, for him waving aside the small matter of having a full out row in public as if it was unimportant, two, that he seemed to put her and James in the same group, and three, that he saw James as a kid.

And why wouldn't he? Lily forgot that while James might be six or so years older than her, he was still quite young. Compared to the rest of the staff, they _were_ children. They were closer in age to each other than he was with the rest of his colleagues. She wondered if that would annoy James, to be referred to as a 'kid'.

She realised she had to respond to his comment somehow, she came out with some generic statement like, "During these times, everyone has to do what he or she can."

"Quite right, my dear. Quire right. And right now, that means potioning."

"Yes sir," she replied with a smile.

'Well,' Lily thought, 'if he suspects anything he certainly isn't letting on. I suppose I'm safe for the moment.'

.

Two hours later Lily was shaking her head. "This isn't right. It's not bubbling properly, the colour's off, the consistency isn't good." She was terrified she'd made a mistake. Some grievous mistake, but when she turned to look worriedly to the Potions Master she found him wearing an expression of equal graveness as he studied the contents of his own cauldron. He bent over his enormous belly to check the flame. She did so too, careful to continue stirring clockwise.

The fire was precisely as it should be.

They looked at each other perplexedly.

What was going on?

Her eyes came back to her potion. She was only her 82nd stir and it was already too soupy. She tried not to panic, tried to tell herself it wasn't her fault that the precious ingredients they'd so dearly bought were going to ruin, that the hospital wing still would be devoid of healing supplies. She tried. She did_ not_ succeed.

"What do we do, sir?"

He shrugged and shook his head, just as flummoxed as she was. Lily decided to carry on, but didn't rightly know how. Going strictly by the instructions wasn't a wise choice. Brewing instructions were like text books. They were the average, the broadest and simplest version that can be used and affected by the greatest number of people. Really those are just guidelines, starting points. Magic was meant to be tweaked and explored and moulded to your own purposes, and potions were no different. It required an instinct. If it says in the instructions to stir 150 times that means that on average, 150 times will result in the desired effect, but the keen potioneer knows when to stop at 145, or to keep stirring to 153... until it feels _right_.

Nothing felt right about this. It was as if...

An idea occurred to her, and she tested the temperature of her mixture. When she saw the reading her wand provided she groaned. It was easily three degrees higher than it should have been even in the most extreme case.

"Sir? How does your temperature read?

Horace performed the same charm Lily had just done and frowned. "Too low."

As she suspected. "Sir, I think these cauldrons might have been coated," she said.

Together, they put a stasis charm on them and lifted their respective cauldrons off the fire to inspect their bottoms.

It was the first time Lily had ever heard her Potions teacher swear.

"Damnation!"

She was filled with equal fury when she saw. Not only was her own cauldron bottom an inappropriate black, his was a disgusting shining silver.

"Ruined!" he bellowed, confirming her fears. She was furious, they both were.

Instinctively she sent her patronus to fetch James.

"Situation in the dungeons," she said, and her doe darted away.

"There's no salvaging these ingredients now," he said dejectedly, taking out a handkerchief and wiping away his perspiring brow before tossing it angrily onto the chair beside him.

Lily wanted to kick something, hit something, blast the wall into tiny bits.

She put down her wand just in case and paced back and forth running both hands through her hair, gripping her scalp. She could feel where Pomfrey had fixed the gash on the back of her head and couldn't help thinking what a rotten day it was continuing to be. Her frustration was only compounded by her headache. She glared at the ruined mess, the smoking cauldrons and the flames, dancing, as if mocking her.

Suddenly they sprang higher, stronger, jumping out and catching her notes on fire.

"Bollocks!" She doused flames quickly, cursing herself for not being able to control her temper or her magic. Feeling suddenly very weary, she sank into a chair.

She heard James' quickened footsteps in the corridor.

"What now?" he asked upon entering.

Lily crossed her legs and arms at the same time, as if physically trying to contain her magic from any more embarrassing displays. "Someone has been cauldron coating," she said.

"What?"

"Cauldron coating, James. Sabotaging potions by tampering with cauldron bottoms."

"Are you sure?" he asked tiredly. A part of her wanted to tell him that it was just an accident, that there wasn't someone in the castle purposefully spoiling their attempts to restock the Hospital Wing. He didn't have to worry about investigating any more misdeeds, he should just go back to their rooms and go to bed. She couldn't say that, of course.

She sighed. "Yes. I calibrated them myself just today. Horace inspected them too, before we put them away. They were made imperturbable so that nothing could be accidentally sloshed on them or fall in them to contaminate them, or any other sort of accident. The charm was there when I got here. Someone must have purposefully removed the charm, coated them, put them back as they were and made them unperturbable again."

James let out a long exhalation. "Great," he muttered.

"Whoever it was knew what they were doing too. You can coat a cauldron with several different kinds of oils or acids to corrode it or add salves to harden it. Most of the time you can tell when you set up the flames, because of the smell these things usual let off. I don't know what was used here. Didn't smell anything. Did you, sir?"

"Nothing."

"And yet look at the bottoms." Palm facing the ceiling, she lifted it upward, raising the cauldrons into the air for inspection as well.

"Bloody—" he stopped himself from finishing the invective. He removed his glasses and rubbed his hand over his face. "Alright. You two, find out a system of better guarding your supplies, palaclave all ingredients, cauldrons, mortars, pestles, knives, stirring rods, everything. Go over this." He indicated the travesty of their brewing. "See if you can find something indicative as to who or what did it. I'll tell Dumbledore and fill out yet another incident report and send it along to London." He stopped for a moment and rumpled his hair. He looked up again, directly at her. "We could have done without this, tonight, couldn't we?"

"I'm sorry."

He gave her a weak chuckle as he rumpled her hair too, just as he had his own a moment before. "It's hardly your fault."

There was a moment of silence before he spoke again.

"And now we have to decide who gets the tough job."

Her shoulders slumped. "I'll do it," she volunteered sadly.

"I'm not saying this to get out of it, but I really do think you'd be better."

"I know, I know. Ugh." She put her face in her hands, knowing it was gong to be difficult. "I'll go after I'm finished here."

James nodded sympathetically, not envying her the task. "Yet another late night. Can I use Ebony? I can't find Dragon."

"Of course."

"Alright. I'll see you later."

He smoothed down her hair like he usually did before he kissed her on top of the head, but he didn't follow through with the gesture.

"What's the tough job you have you do?" Slughorn asked once they had begun cleaning up and looking for anything that might shine some light on the situation. "I'd be glad to help in any way I can."

"What? Oh, no, that's alright. He just meant telling Poppy Pomfrey the news. I don't expect she'd take it well. It's very hard on her, you see, not to be able to help people who need it."

"I understand."

She nodded and they continued their meticulous clean up.

"Can you think of anyone at Hogwarts who knows enough about cauldrons to do this?" she asked him. He of all people, would be the best acquainted with every student's brewing abilities.

"Not these days," he answered.

.

Lily knew it wouldn't be pleasant, but Poppy's stubborn stoicism made it even worse. She took the expression 'chin up' a little too far. If she tried to lift her chin any higher her neck would snap, Lily thought. It occurred to her after awhile that perhaps the woman was just trying to stop the tears from falling.

Lily asked Poppy the house elf to bring some hot cocoa, which seemed to soothe the Healer to some degree. Chocolate does often make one feel better, and Lily suggested that perhaps the elves serve a cup to all the patients staying there.

"I know it's not healthy hospital wing food, but go on and let them have a treat," she'd said.

"Yes," said Poppy. "Yes I think they deserve one, poor dears."

A few minutes later each child was blowing happily on steaming hot mugs of cocoa, smiles on their faces despite whatever malady ailed them.

"Thank you Madame Pomfrey," said one second year Hufflepuff girl.

The rest of the wing, after hearing this all spoke out and a chorus of "Thank you Madame Pomfrey" echoed throughout the room.

The healing matron's chin wobbled and she lifted it so high she was staring at the ceiling. Lily pretended she didn't hear the tell-tall sniffle.

.

It was well after curfew and the library was closed but neither of those facts hindered her from retrieving her schoolbag. Minerva had excused her and Rupert from doing the assignment but she still had History of Magic first thing the next morning. When she entered her room, the first thing she saw was James sitting at the table working away.

He looked up when she came in. "Hey," he greeted.

She dropped her bag on the table and leaned over to kiss him. He accepted the kiss, but when she went for it again, trying to take it further, he was responsive but only allowed himself to go so far. She could feel through her own lips how his eagerness battled with reluctance, felt how his hands would grip her, then release, then grip again.

Just when she thought she'd succeeded in convincing him to forget work for awhile he pulled back. "I'm busy," he said, gently pushing her away from him. She nodded, accepted defeat and went back to her side of the table to begin her own work. She noticed that Ebony still sat on her perch, so he mustn't have sent anything off yet.

Once she'd finished her schoolwork she had another go at Weyland's things, but found that today it was just too painful. In an odd backwards way, the Death Eater today reminded her of Weyland. Weyland had turned his back on his former life, but still died because of it.

"Have you done it yet?" she asked, breaking the silence.

"Done what?" he asked.

"Priori Incantatem."

Those words went down like a cinderblock, thudding heavily, harshly on the quietude.

"No," he answered through clenched teeth.

"Why not? That's what the whole ordeal was about, right? The history of that bloody wand?" She was starting to get angry again. Perhaps she was cranky because she was tired, hormonal, headache-ridden, frustrated, beaten, and all around shaken, not to mention the added stress of maintaining the inimicus ward. But she'd come close to getting herself killed for that wand, and she felt a slight sense of entitlement.

"Because." he replied sounding as tired as she felt. The conversation was over. Lily pulled a Madame Pomfrey and tilted her chin to the ceiling just in case, but no. No tears. She really should just go to bed, but she didn't want to without him. Ever since her time in the forest she'd told herself that once she was with James, she'd feel better. The unease in her gut would lessen. She could close her eyes without worrying. She could forget everything for just a few moments and be reminded what pleasure was. That's all she really wanted.

She showered and changed for bed and returned to the sitting room to just be near him. She worked on his next day's lesson plans for the next hour and a half, not that he knew that's what she was doing, and finally he got up and sent off a bundle of parchment with Ebony.

He watched the owl from the window for a time before he stretched, yawning loudly.

"Bed?" she asked, trying not to sound too hopeful.

"Yeah."

Lily sat at the window, staring out onto the grounds, letting her mind wander as she waited for James to finish his shower.

When she heard the water turn off she felt an easing in her heart, a comfort, so when he padded over to her, kissed her shoulder and asked "What are you thinking?" she answered truthfully.

"I was thinking it was a shame..."

"What is?"

"That he died."

His warm hand left her and he said coldly. "Save your pity, he was a Death Eater."

"Clearly he didn't want to be one anymore. He changed."

"He was a _Death_. _Eater!_" he roared suddenly. "Some times I don't think you understand what that really means! Death Eaters don't change! Perhaps he was driven by pain, maybe madness or most likely fear, but just because he defected doesn't suddenly make him good. Stop hoping, Lily. Once a Death Eater, **always **a Death Eater. So just... _stop_." He'd been bellowing before, which made the way he pleadingly whispered the last word with that pained expression on his face cause her throat to tighten.

All the sorrow, emptiness, and wretchedness she'd felt that day came back to her, knowing that they were no longer talking about the armless Death Eater that had died on the grounds that day. No, James was telling her point blank.

Forget about Severus Snape.

She said nothing as he walked away, pulled down the bedding and buried his head face-down in the pillow. A few moments later she silently crawled into bed, turning her back to him and staring out the window. Her head throbbed, her insides squirmed, her heart ached and a few frustrated tears finally trickled from her eyes.

What a rotten day.


	68. In Which Murder is Meditated Upon

_To RubeusHagrid34 and Hushpuppy22, who have been here from the very very __**very**__ beginning._

* * *

_**Chapter 68: In Which Muder is Meditated Upon**_

"_He was a __Death__.__Eater!__" he roared suddenly. "Some times I don't think you understand what that really means! Death Eaters don't change! Perhaps he was driven by pain, maybe madness or most likely fear, but just because he defected doesn't suddenly make him good. Stop hoping, Lily. Once a Death Eater, __**always **__a Death Eater. So just..._stop_."_

James, after spending a long a long time in a mental temper tantrum, finally calmed down enough to think about the situation, if not objectively, at least more logically. He hated it, but had to ask himself whether or not Lily was a threat. Obviously she wasn't about to start attacking muggleborns, but could her weakness be more than just painful for him, but dangerous to everyone? Would Snape be immune to her inimicus wards if she didn't truly feel him an enemy? Would he, being separate in the mind of the castle's warder, be able to get through? Was the school in danger of him and only him? History had shown them that Hogwarts itself had a blind spot. Those it considered belonged there (the students and teachers) could enter whether they had the Mark or not.

But, he realised, Snape was no longer a student; the castle had no more loyalty to him, no instinct to protect him. Hogwarts castle could tell him for what he really was, even if Lily could not.

This information, though it should have reassured him, only made him unhappier. Several shameful ideas went through James' mind. He wanted to roll over and shake this foolishness out of her, bang some sense into her, he even contemplated obliviating her, removing every memory of Snape, erasing every trace of him from her mind.

But a simple memory charm wouldn't be able to do that. Snape had risked much to save her life. She was bound to Snape as Snape was bound to him, though not magically. Not like he was. If it was known how to break _those _bonds he would have released Snape from his long ago, severing all connection with the man. But more meaningful than memory, much deeper than debt, was something even stronger, and _that_ was irreversible. And it was _that_, that truly bothered him. It would almost be a comfort if Lily owed the man a life-debt. But she didn't. For the simple reason that love keeps no record book. One gives and sacrifices freely, expecting nothing in return.

That stung. He'd done his best to ignore it up till now. Seeing Snape release Lily in Dover hadn't been nearly as bad as Sirius telling him later that she still loved the man. That it was because James had rescued him from Remus that had pushed her in the end to go to him. If he hadn't done that, would she ever have come to him? Or would Christmas truly have been the end of it all?

He rolled over on his back. Lily was still turned away from him. He couldn't tell if she were asleep or not. Resignedly, he had to admit that there was no solution to this problem. James had been able to conquer his jealousy, or perhaps unease would be a better word, about her association with many people, starting way back with Sylvain Chevalier and John Michaels, and more recently with Remus, Sirius and Rupert. He might feel a twinge or those old feelings every now and again but he could dismiss them, because he knew and understood all three men and was aware of their relationship with Lily. He _knew_ what was going on between her and the rest. But James couldn't even imagine what her childhood was like, what memories they shared, what on earth could have formed such an implacable attachment that would make them, to this day, remain loyal to one another despite being on entirely opposite sides of the war. That devotion ate away at him. As did his curiosity. He wished he had been there at the Hogshead to see the look on her face when she saw him; or his expression when he pushed her into the floo. What had she thought when she saw him? Was she afraid? Confused? Maybe even a bit happy?

The entire connection was a complete mystery to him. She'd known Snape since she was four, before he even came to Hogwarts. Snape was her friend long before he was his enemy. That was 14 years ago. They'd known each other for 14 years. And he'd only met her in September. That was a sizable difference. Was there a possibility that, should push come to shove, she'd choose Snape over him?

No. That, he didn't believe. Paranoid and pessimistic though he may be, he couldn't imagine that. The boggart had been _his_ image. He was the most important person in her life, despite however long she'd known and loved anyone else. She loved him best.

He recalled what she'd said to Sirius when he'd blown up at her. She'd said she regretted knowing Snape. After all, she'd done her best to sweep him under the carpet, so to speak. It was only because he kept annoyingly intruding in their lives that made it difficult. If the great prat would stop rescuing her then maybe she'd just forget alrea--.

He hadn't actually just thought that, had he? No, it was an accident. He didn't _really _wish Snape hadn't saved her. Lily plus a few problems (even if they were Snape related) was infinitely better than not having her at all.

x

Lily lay awake next to a sleeping James, wondering how long he would be mad at her, how long he would no longer be too angry or repulsed to touch her, a person who betrayed him by reluctantly loving a man who represented everything he hated. How many nights would be like this? Or worse than this silent coldness, would he stay in his own rooms?

She didn't know how she would handle that. She didn't even know what she could do to make him want her again. All she could do was tell him that she loved him, but he already knew that and clearly it made no difference. He was still angry.

Despite everything she couldn't apologise either. Despite everything, she was still the little traitor. Severus had gone out of his way and taken considerable risk to save her, not once but several times. After all those years...

Two, actually. It had only been two years since her parents were killed. Excepting Petunia, he was her oldest friend and up until two years ago, had been her closest friend after Rupert. Or perhaps they had been equal in her heart, and only until 5th year had the divide become clear.

Yes, he had made a bad decision, alright a monstrous one, and perhaps that decision was ruining and destroying him, but there was at least one part of him that was good; she'd seen it. He wasn't completely lost. There _was_ still hope despite what anyone said. James had told her to stop hoping but if she gave up hope she might give up entirely.

If Severus still cared enough to take such risks for her, she wasn't going to betray that love. She might not ever be able to show it, not even to Severus himself, but she'd keep it in her heart, protected, hidden away from all those who would scorn it.

James had obviously made a point of not holding her before he went to sleep, so when he unconsciously spooned in behind her it only pained her more, knowing that he didn't actually mean it. His sleeping body was acting on its own, doing precisely what she longed for but knew James did not. Unable to bear it if he awoke during the night and pushed her away in disgust, she rose to leave. She'd sleep on the sofa, or perhaps not at all, but she couldn't stay there.

When she tried to slide out of bed, the arm around her tightened, stopping her from leaving. How she wished that that was how he truly felt. If only he had been awake it would have been a different matter.

Gently, she pried his hand off her. _'Let go,_' she said, knowing that her tiny whisper wouldn't actually be heard.

She finally removed herself from their bed and she padded into her sitting room, not even bothering to relight the fire. She just sat there and watched it die.

x

Sirius stared blankly at the morning's Prophet.

"What is it this time?" asked Remus, who had immerged from the other room. "They reported about yesterday then?"

Sirius looked up. His friend was clad in a pair of drawstring sleep trousers, while Sirius was already entirely dressed for the day in one of his more professional looking set of 5 piece pinstriped robes, very well cut in a suitable black and dark crimson. "No, not yet," he replied, standing to go, tucking the paper under his arm so as his friend wouldn't see. "I'm off."

Remus looked from the plate of uneaten breakfast Sirius had only just prepared for himself, but didn't comment on it. "Do you know if you'll be back before noon? The potion will need tending."

"I should be," he replied shortly then left the room.

She'd want to talk about it, he knew, and if he wanted to be honest with himself, he did as well.

.

The Great Hall wasn't the din it had been in his day, he noticed. Rather than roar, it buzzed, buzzed like the activity of so many secretive bees. James, from his place at the Head Table noticed him first, cocking his head to the side curiously at him. The auror started to rise from his seat, no doubt to cross the room to him, but Sirius put up a hand to stop him and shook his head. Lily was sitting next to her ever-present blond companion, her eyes scanning the periodical. It was only a matter of time before...

She looked up, not at him, just ahead of her, not seeing the brown haired boy who looked at her curiously, wondering why she was staring. She quickly stood to go, extricating herself from the Gryffindor bench and say a few parting words to Ferris. She was almost in front of the doors before she saw him and stopped, looking intently at him. He offered his hand, palm facing upwards.

Slowly, she nodded, closing the distance and placing her hand in his and together they walked out.

They made their way to the eastern courtyard. Neither of them sat on any of the numerous benches, but strolled around the path that circled within it. The tree in the very centre stood there; naked, leafless, providing no shade. Not that there was any need, the skies were still faithful to the season, unremittingly cloudy and damp.

"It wasn't you, was it," she said after several minutes of silence. "It said he died of the killing curse, and not last week but only three days ago. You didn't seek him out again, did you?" By the tone of her voice he could tell that beneath the factual way she'd spoken, there was still a hint of underlying apprehension.

"No," he answered.

"But you wish you had?" she prompted questioningly.

Sirius ran his fingers through his hair for a moment, putting off answering. "I don't suppose it matters." Bright was dead, if it was someone else's revenge that had ultimately done him in rather than his own it made little difference. Sirius simultaneously felt both satisfied and thwarted. Justice was served, but his revenge had not been. Sirius wondered who it was that had claimed that pleasure. _No,_ he thought. _Not pleasure but that... undertaking. _

"I'm glad," she said. "I'm glad you didn't kill him but..." She stopped for a moment before continuing on much more lowly, almost ashamedly. "But I'm glad _someone_ did." She brought her free hand up to hide her face after this terrible admission that no doubt pained her to utter. "Does Remus know?" she asked.

"Not yet," he replied.

"How do you think he'd take it?" She removed her hand from her face so she could look up at him.

Sirius sighed and shook his head as he shrugged. Frankly, he didn't want to see Remus' face when he found out either way. He didn't know how it would strike him, but he knew it would strike deep. He couldn't watch his friend react knowing that it very well could have been he who had brought it about. "In all those hours you were attending him did he not once mention Bright?" he asked.

"He did, but only in bitter retrospect, which is understandable."

Remus had been very much the same with him, referring to the messy scars around his arm as 'Courtesy of the peaceful brothers of the SCDDHB.' The answer of a true Marauder, sarcastic and dissimulating.

She sighed. "I wish I could be with him when he did find out," she said wistfully. Sirius' eyebrows rose at this sentiment, being the exact opposite of his own. This gave him an idea.

"I can send him to you; have him meet you in the kitchens for lunch," he suggested, hoping that the casual manner would hide his cravenness.

She stopped and turned to look at him. "Really? Don't think he'd rather have you—"

"No," he interrupted immediately. "Better you than me," he said with entirely too much sincerity.

She still seemed a bit uncertain.

"He'll appreciate it," he said, not entirely certain it was true but it seemed to make her feel better for her worried face cleared.

"Thank you, for coming, Sirius. I was actually leaving the Great Hall to find an owl when you found me."

"I thought you might," he acknowledged. This time when they approached the old stone archway she led him through it and out of the courtyard, heading back towards the castle doors. No doubt breakfast would soon be ending and she'd have classes to attend.

He'd forgotten they'd even been holding hands until she gave his a squeeze and let go to disappear inside the castle. He stood there on the steps for a time. It was bitterly cold, he noted, looking out across Hogwarts grounds reflectively. A small column of smoke rose from Hagrid's hut; the lake, forest, and Willow were all deceptively calm.

"Like me, perhaps," he whispered to no one. His feet had taken him back to the courtyard. He took a seat on a bench, prepared to wait until the last possible moment to return home. He took his time in observing the tree that stood there, reaching out its limbs for naught, stark against the winter sky. Alone in the cold. "_Like me_," he repeated.

x

Lily was waiting in the kitchens, having shooed the house elves away to let her cook on her own. The moment she left Sirius that morning she had gone to the kitchens to start the joint for Remus. She didn't have lessons that afternoon so she had time to prepare his favourite. The roast potatoes and vegetables were coming along nicely. She held her nose over the steamed cabbage, never having been very keen on it herself, but Remus liked it and that's what mattered. She was stirring the gravy when he finally entered, looking worried.

"What's wrong?" he asked immediately.

Lily just stood there for a moment blinking at him stupidly. He looked her up and down to try to discern the answer himself but came up with nothing.

"Sirius said you needed to talk to me urgently. Something _must_ be the matter."

Now that he was there, she forgot the delicate speech she'd prepared.

"What do you think of this gravy, hmm?" she asked, scooping out a spoonful and approaching him, holding it out in front of his mouth to taste. He eyed her askance, not breaking eye contact but lowering his head to try it all the same.

"It's fine," he answered.

"Good. Take a seat over there. I've made your favourite." She chuckled nervously. "I've never had a Sunday roast on a Wednesday before." She magicked the roast out of the oven and set it gingerly on the table and started filling his plate.

"You did all this for me?"

"Yes."

He sighed and looked down. "Must be _really_ bad news then," he said sullenly. "Go on, tell me now. Get it over with."

Lily bit her lip. "It's about Henry Bright."

He looked up at her sharply, his eyes darting back and forth between hers as if he were scanning words on a page.

"He's dead. Murdered."

The air escaped his lungs in a gust and he just sat there for a moment before putting his elbows on the table, gripping his lank hair with pale and shaking fingers. "Who? How?"

"AKed three days ago by parties unknown."

He released his hair, letting it fall to cover his face. He gripped his hands together and leaned his forehead against it, eyes shut. If he had been a muggle, Lily might have thought he was praying.

Not saying anything, she sat down on the floor next to his chair and rested her head against his thigh, wrapping her arm around his lower leg in a sort of hug.

"I thought you were going to tell me he was after me again," he said after a long while. "That I'd put Sirius in danger by moving back in with him." He swore under his breath. Lily rubbed his leg comfortingly from ankle to knee to ankle again. "I should have thought about that before. I never should have put him at risk like that. What if—what if he'd—"

"Stop. _No one _is alone in this, Remus. Don't insult Sirius, or James or Peter or me by not letting us be there for you. You know as well as I do that even if you tried to leave Sirius would have made you stay. He'd've chained you to the couch if that's what it took."

"Sounds like him," he muttered, a hint of amusement sneaking into the gloom.

She waited for several moments to let it sink in that the man who had tried to kill him was dead; for him to come to grips with whatever feelings he may have had towards his old school mate. The moments stretched into minutes, which stretched out into even longer expanses of time. Lily was uncomfortably aware of the house elves hovering around, no doubt waiting in breathless anticipation to be called upon to serve. If Lily knew of anything that could improve the situation, she wouldn't hesitate to recruit the house elves. As it was, she could only sit there and wait.

"You should be eating. You must have class soon," he said finally.

She didn't mention that she was free after lunch on Wednesdays, because that would be playing into his pitiable attempt at changing the subject. While part of her wanted to indulge him in this, she remembered that Sirius wanted her to do this. _She_ had wanted to do this. Wanted to help him work it out. She rose and sat on the other side of the tiny table.

"You know," she began. "Earlier this year a boy tried to kill me with the unforgivable curse and I couldn't scrounge up any sympathy when I learned he'd been kissed in Azkaban." He didn't say anything so she continued. Or tried to at least. This was a topic she generally avoided. "On the other hand..." Her throat tightened but she ignored it, ignored the raise in her voice. "On the other hand," she tried again. "When my parents were killed, I... If I knew who'd done it I'd..." Her voice failed, her throat having constricted so tightly. It was the fact that she _didn't_ know that bothered her now, most likely she never would. She took several deep breaths and forced the discomfort away. "Suffice it to say that if their murderers were murdered, I'd be fiercely and angrily pleased." More silence. "Just like how I was fiercely and angrily pleased this morning when I learned about Henry Bright." Slowly he looked up from his hands to fix her with a very set stare. "Yes, I'm glad he's gone. And if you are too, it's more than understandable. He tried to kill you. You were in so much pain for so long." She remembered those times vividly, finding him in the Shack, near death with silver poisoning, the time in the Hogshead when they both thought Henry Bright would succeed after all when the full moon came. The memories filled her eyes with tears.

"Remus," she implored, reaching across the table and taking a hand. He didn't pull it back, but neither did he squeeze hers back. "_Talk_ to me." Then, she added, almost ferociously, "I want to know what it's like."

He pulled his hand away from hers. She was hurt for a moment before she saw how tightly he was then clenching his fist, and she could only be grateful he had pulled away first.

x

"It's unreal yet," he said simply. He'd thought about Bright every day, and cursed himself for being too much of a coward, for being too soft to actually kill the man himself. The man had humiliated him, tortured him, tried to kill him, and yet he was too weak to do anything about it.

It wasn't real. How could it be? He wasn't there, he hadn't seen it, he had nothing to substantiate it but her telling him so. He couldn't hold onto words, couldn't see it in the sound of her voice. He didn't think she would lie to him, but he needed something tangible.

As if she could sense this, she withdrew the Prophet from her robes and slid it over to him. There, on page six, was a photo of the funeral. "**England Mourns the Loss of PAX Promoter**._ UK's largest advocate of public safety is murdered, a cruel irony_." He scanned the picture, seeing several familiar faces. Many had been in school with him, in his very same year, even a girl he had fancied for a time. She looked so sad. Everyone did. All of these people came to mourn Henry Bright.

What if the situation were reversed? Would anyone have come to mourn the werewolf Remus Lupin?

He hadn't noticed that she'd even left her seat until he felt her arms come across his chest, hugging him from behind.

At least four people would be at his bier anyway. Sirius, James, Peter, and Lily.

But it wasn't his funeral. Not this time.

He reached up and put an arm over hers, to acknowledge her gesture somehow. He still how no idea what to say. Was he thankful to the unknown murderer? Was he relieved? Surely he was relieved. Who wouldn't be relieved at the death of someone who wanted you dead? Why, then, was this relief so bitter? Why did he want to rip up the Prophet? Why did he wish that Bright hadn't been killed?

'Order of Merlin, third class,' he thought spitefully. A martyr. A bloody martyr, that's how the world would remember him. No trial, no Azkaban, no public acknowledgment of what he really was and of all the crimes he committed. His murderer had done him a favour.

He pushed the paper away. "Lily?" he asked hesitantly. "Do you think that if the world knew the truth about what he did to me they would have put him in prison? Or would they have made that Order of Merlin second class?" Why not reward the man who goes around indiscriminately killing werewolves, vampires and half-breeds? That's what the world wanted.

Lily sighed heavily, her breath stirring his hair as it blew past his left ear. "I think the justice system would have disappointed you..." she said sadly.

"Again." He snorted with dark amusement. Somehow he felt better though, knowing things wouldn't have been better if Bright had lived. There would have been no justice either way. Despite the Order of Merlin, perhaps this was for the best. What a disgusting and frightening thought, that a man's murder in the street should be better than the legal system, that there was no hope for justice unless one took it into one's own hands.

There were a lot of people he wouldn't trust with that mentality, including himself. Law should be justice free from passion. If they were forced to take the law into their own hands, how could they be sure of acting fairly and without bias? How could they be sure their actions were for the greater good, instead of just revenge or vendettas? How could he trust himself to know what was right when he felt so wronged?

He couldn't.

.

.

It was two in the afternoon before he returned back to London. He and Lily had exited the kitchens and she thought she heard the sounds of bullying so she went tearing off, but not before she kissed him hurriedly on the forehead. Remus was walking across the grounds to Hogsmeade, mulling things over. He knew Sirius had left that morning as soon as he had read the Prophet, had gone to Hogwarts and purposefully sent him to Lily to hear the news. Whether that was cowardice or consideration on Sirius' part he couldn't say.

He felt the tug and squeeze of apparition and then the release of having arrived at his destination. He waited for a moment for the wards to recognise and accept him before he entered.

Sirius was sitting in the armchair in front of the fire, sipping tea and reading Transfiguration Today. "How was lunch?" he asked nonchalantly.

"Fine," he replied, flopping down on the couch and picking up the book he'd left there the night before. Neither made mention of this delicate consideration and handling of his feelings, which suited them both were marauders. No words required.

x

James ripped into his nashers fiercely. He had been sitting at the Head Table, trying to plan out how he'd approach Flitwick when Sirius of all people strolled into the Great Hall. Lily seemed just as surprised to see him but they left together hand in hand, both with sombre expressions. Well something was going on, that was certain. His bad mood didn't improve when during lunch, having decided to grab a sandwich from the kitchen to take back to his office to stay on top of work, he intruded upon an oh-so-touching scene. Not Sirius, but Remus this time, sitting down with Lily at a lovely meal for two that they both seemed to be ignoring. Remus' head was bowed over his plate but he wasn't eating, just sitting there, his other elbow on the table and resting his forehead in his free hand. The other was extended across the table, holding onto Lily's. James' jaw clenched.

"You can't think of it that way, Remus," she said gently. "It's just propaganda."

"Well it works. Even after he's gone he still wins," he commented bitterly.

"No. To the victor goes the spoils. And you are still here."

"You may be the only person who would consider me a prize. Unless it's a pelt they're after."

Lily rolled her eyes and sighed. "Why do you always do this to yourself? You _are_ a prize, Remus. If other people are too bigoted to see it it's not your fault." She withdrew her hand and gave him a stern look. "Now hush and eat your roast. I had to fight the house elves for the right to slave away for you over this meal."

Remus looked down on the food with a sad appreciative smile before looking back up at her. "Thanks," he whispered, before tucking in.

James withdrew silently, furious with them both, with all three of them. There was something going on with Lily, Remus and Sirius and no one seemed to want to let him in on it.

He angrily removed the pouch from his robes and tore the mirror from it. In his urgency he accidentally tore off one of the tiny wooden stags from the draw string. It plinked onto the stones below but he didn't pick it up. He'd do that later after he'd had his say.

"Sirius!" he called once safely inside the nearest secret passage.

His friend's face appeared in his reflection's stead, vapours rising all around. "I'm brewing mate. Make it quick."

"Alright then. I know I'm an auror and snooping around to find things out is what I do, but seeing as I have to 'make it quick' perhaps you could just tell me what's going on."

Sirius frowned, clearly knowing what James was talking about. "Let the lady explain," he told him shortly. "Tell her I say it's alright."

"Why can't you? Now?" he said impatiently.

"Because I have neither the time nor the inclination," he clipped. James could tell this was a subject that Sirius clearly was uncomfortable discussing.

"Padfoot, please? I have only a few minutes before my next class."

"I didn't tell Moony and I won't tell you. Again, as I did with Remus, I refer you to the lady."

"Well as it so happens _the lady_ and I aren't exactly speaking at the moment, so I'll have it out of **you**. Now, if you please."

Sirius rolled his eyes exasperatedly and then shut them, sighing heavily as if trying to muster the patience. "Henry Bright. Fellow we flailed as kids, SCDDHB bloke who tried to kill Moony was murdered himself three days ago. I sent him to her to break the news. That's all."

"What? Bu-"

"Stop, Prongs. I refuse to discuss it. Leave me be. Get over your little spat with the red head if you want to mush it over. But _don't_ harass Remus about it and certainly don't plague me."

"At least tell me—"

"Bah!"

And with that the connection ended.

"_Prat,_" he said under his breath. James hadn't the least intention of confronting Remus about it, nor could he talk to Lily for hours yet. Even if he tried on the _best_ of days there was no guarantee he'd get anything out of her. Suddenly he remembered waking up that morning, going to collect his things from the sitting room and finding the rest of the week's lesson plans, completed. By her. For him. He'd assumed it was a sort of peace offering. Though it didn't solve the problem, the gesture hadn't been lost on him.

He had to ask Flitwick, _very subtly_, about the finer points of the inimicus and learn precisely how the wards function. Snape possibly being able to enter the castle rankled him no end and he wanted his questions answered as soon as possible. But that wasn't all he had to do that day. After Flitwick he _would_ hunt Lily down and they _would_ talk whether she wanted to or not. He hadn't forgotten the list he'd made the day before of "Things to be dealt with later".

Teach her how to defend herself physically, or at least train up her wandless magic to be able to better defend herself from a physical assault.

Discuss the developments in their project to remove the map from the Ministry Research Room.

Lecture about going off in the forest alone... again.

_Serious_ discussion about experimental magic.

In his opinion this last one was the most important. He knew she had a knack for getting magic to work for her in unorthodox ways but experimentation was a dangerous thing. Seeing as she had muggle parents she never would have had that particular talk. It was high time she did. Why the Headmaster hadn't sat her down in her fourth or fifth year James had no idea. Surely Dumbledore wouldn't have thought that just because she was muggleborn that she wouldn't be tempted to dabble in darker magicks. Her thirst for knowledge was much stronger than her respect for the rules. James could only thank Merlin that she was at heart a Gryffindor. She certainly had some Slytherin tendencies at times and he shuddered to think of what she would have become if she'd been differently sorted.

James was going to take a leaf from Sirius' book and blame Snape. A worse first magical mentor he couldn't fathom. Snape and been up to his eyeballs in the Dark Arts before he even arrived at school. Her first magical experiences, besides her own accidental ones, must have been from the dark wizard. What a horrible influence on a child.

A sudden surge of warm pride came over him as he thought of how wonderfully Gryffindor she was though, despite everything. She cared for anyone and everyone. Granted, that did seem to have negative effects sometimes, but it was a quality he cherished in her. That capacity, he knew, was what made her such a powerful witch.

James ascended the staircase in the secret passage, heading back to his classroom to prepare for his next lesson, planning on finding Lily before dinner and simply having something brought up from the kitchens for them. He wanted to get started on that list instead of dawdling in the Great Hall.

After classes ended that afternoon he immediately sought out Filius Flitwick, jogging to the tiny wizard's classroom before he had time to disappear anywhere before dinner. The sixth years were just leaving the classroom when he arrived. James waited, leaning up against the opposite stone wall with his arms crossed, until they had all made their egress. Several of the girls blushed at seeing him there unexpectedly and he hid his pleased grin. Last one out the door was the professor himself, clearly intent on leaving.

"Professor," James greeted, calling the smaller wizard's attention to his presence. "I was wondering if I could have a word."

Flitwick pursed his lips, looking longingly down the corridor.

"About the wards that protect Hogwarts," James added. "It's rather important, sir."

That did it. "Oh! Yes, certainly, my boy. Certainly. Come in."

James entered, locking the door behind him and erecting privacy wards.

He tried for a few fruitless minutes to steer the conversation so that Flitwick would answer his question without him actually having to ask it but the Charms master consistently misinterpreted his questions about the relationship between the ward and warder.

"I understand your unease young Potter, but I assure you, both Miss Evans and the ward are in no danger," the tiny wizard tried to assuage, giving him a kindly smile, which James found particularly annoying.

"That's not what concerns me."

"Oh no?"

"No," James replied firmly. "Let me put it another way. Would a student who is also a Death Eater be able to get in and out undetected?"

Flitwick's expression darkened and he didn't speak for a long time. "I would imagine, Mr. Potter, that they could move through the ward undetected _if_ they mean no harm. For example, if a young Death Eater simply wanted to get to class."

"And if they did intend harm?"

"The ward would activate."

"Even if it was a student?"

"Even if it was a student."

"Even if she herself didn't consider this person a threat? If she trusted this student, the ward would still be able to distinguish an enemy?"

"Just so, Mr. Potter. It has little to do with her own feelings and all to do with the intentions of the witch or wizard trying to enter. If their intention upon entering is to do harm to that which is already within the ward, then it will be activated and Miss Evans notified."

"Will the Headmaster be as well, seeing as he is also connected to the castle?"

Flitwick shook his head. "Although the castle is the anchor she used, and the Headmaster can feel that it exists. He cannot feel its activity."

"What about..." James stopped, disliking the question but forced to voice it all the same. "You said the ward has little to do with the actual warder?"

"Apart from its strength, but I assure you that—"

James waved that aside. "What if, hypothetically—" he began, though there was nothing hypothetical about it. "I mean, would the intruder's feelings for the warder have any effect on the wards efficacy?"

"How do you mean, Potter?" Flitwick asked. If James didn't know any better he'd imagine the tiny wizard was being deliberately uncooperative. He suppressed a growl of annoyance.

"What I want to know, Filius, is if there is any way, any possible way a Dark Wizard with dark intentions could slip by undetected because of who the warder is."

For a moment the two wizards just stared at one another, James willing Flitwick to understand. For a horrified moment James thought he succeeded, and that the tiny man had understood too well. Flitwick looked over his spectacles at him not unlike Albus Dumbledore would.

"This might be easier, Mr. Potter, if I take an oath of secrecy and you simply ask the question directly," he said seriously.

James considered it for a moment but in the end decided that nothing was worth putting the school at risk, not his nor Lily's reputations.

"I'll take your Oath, sir."

Flitwick vowed not to repeat or intimate in anyway their discussion before a gold hue began to glow from him, swirling around the wizards before disappearing.

Once he felt the vow take, James said bluntly, "If a Death Eater loved Lily Evans and would never do her harm but was still a dangerous wizard, would that give him any advantage when it comes to wards cast by her?"

"Does he have any reason to know that Miss Evans is the school's warder?" Flitwick asked stonily, his eyes never leaving James'.

"No," he said. Then, decided he might as well answer the question Filius was _really_ asking, added, "They don't communicate. It's not an _active_ sort of love. Just... residual from the long past. Unfortunately it seems to persist."

Flitwick studied him for a long time, discomfiting him. "Well?" James asked impatiently.

"Love complicates things, Mr. Potter."

"Doesn't it always?" he mumbled bitterly under his breath, not entirely sure the charms professor didn't hear.

"Do you know if it is reciprocated?" The man's tone of voice had been entirely clinical, nothing but professional but it still caused James to scowl. Through clenched teeth, he growled the response, "I believe so, Professor." Oh how it stung to say it. He remembered a night, several weeks ago. They had been in bed and she was furious with herself for not being able to hate him. That, James could allow, even understand. Not hating someone and still loving someone however were two very different things.

"And this other party, shall we say, has mal intent?"

"He's a bloody Death Eater!... sir." His temper was ruining his manners. Luckily Filius seemed to understand how distressing the situation was and the rudeness was disregarded.

"Yes indeed. But.. erm..." It was Flitwick's turn to be uncomfortable. "Are you sure it's love?" James gave him a curious look. Flitwick soldiered on. "If it's genuine love we might have to discuss things but if it's just... a carnal a—"

"No!" James bellowed, disgusted. "She'd never!"

The tiny wizard jumped back, startled by this sudden and vehement outburst. Readjusting his spectacles, Flitwick cleared his throat and spoke again. "I'm only trying to determine the truth, Mr. Potter, I'm not accusing anyone of anything."

"Well it's never been like that, sir. Ever." _He_ was the only man to have ever had Lily; he knew that for a fact.

"As I was saying, an _attraction_, Potter. Perhaps the man's motives aren't love related at all. Perhaps he has other, more basic objectives in mind."

"_He better not_," James snarled. "Should have killed him when I had the chance," he grumbled to himself. But no, he knew that wasn't true. Sighing, he admitted forlornly, "He saved her life, Professor, risking his own and yet she's not bound by a life debt to him."

"Ah." The tiny man nodded, accepting this as certain proof. Not being in debt to someone meant they did it out of love.

Flitwick then gave James a penetrating look, studying him as if seeing him in a new light.

_He knew._ James had been too expressive in his opinions about Lily and Snape. He waited for the tiny wizard to make an accusation, to confront him about it but he didn't. Realising in an instant that his silence was more dangerous he said, "Nor is she bound to me. Nor I to her." But thinking that still there were ways of getting around even that confession said patently, "I love her."

He hadn't wanted to say it outright but Filius had made an oath of secrecy, not to reveal what James told him. That didn't include assumptions the professor might make from his behaviour. The only way he could guarantee that the other wizard say nothing of his suspicions, was to confirm them aloud, thus it would fall under the oath and he would be able to tell absolutely no one.

"Dumbledore knows," he added, feeling the urge to point this out, as if it vindicated his and Lily's relationship. "As does Minerva and my boss, Alastor Moody."

This seemed to ease the little man's face, which had been fixed in a stern unreadable expression. Now it looked more thoughtful than anything. James felt like a boy again, standing in a teacher's office waiting to see if he'd get away with his latest misdeed, or if he would be punished.

"You were correct to be concerned, Mr. Potter. However I think it would be best if I discuss this with Miss Evans herself. We'll have to go onto the grounds to review its construction."

James nodded, and resignedly pulled out his wand. He sent out his patronus to summon her and waited for her to appear. He began tapping his foot, trying to think of what he was going to say to her to explain the situation to her, why he had revealed everything. Handled indelicately, this development could mean sleeping alone for a while.

"Nervous, Potter?"

James immediately stopped fidgeting and taking advantage of that oath of silence, confessed, "We had a bit of a row about this last night."

"So we all saw, Potter," Flitwick remarked almost amusedly. Almost. He could still detect disapproval. Well, he couldn't expect anything else.

James groaned, remembering that horrible scene. He hadn't once thought about witnesses; he'd been too focused on the argument. "What a mess," he breathed. They hadn't even really discussed it. It was three in the morning, it had been a trying day and they were both tired and tetchy. He didn't even give her a chance to explain anything, just told her to stop and stormed off. James rumpled his hair agitatedly. "Merlin, I'm an arse."

Filius made no comment. He was a Charms master, not a relationship counsellor. After twenty minutes of waiting and still no Lily, he sent her another patronus. Risky though it may be if she had company other than Rupert, he sent along the message 'You can ignore me later, this is important, Professor Flitwick and I are waiting.' He hoped that the mention of another teacher's name would hurry her there. She might be rude to him, but she wouldn't stand up her precious Charms professor.

"Perhaps we ought to just take the precaution and switch it to you after all, Professor," James suggested.

Flitwick shook his head. "I'm old, my boy. She's young and healthy and a woman."

"Does that really make all that much of a difference?"

"It certainly does, Potter. Witches are more sensitive to feeling, they are emotionally more acute, more aware. For a ward such as this, where feelings and intentions play a vital role, it would be infinitely better to have a young sensitive witch than an old wizard like me. Did she tell you what it felt like to maintain that ward?"

"Yes sir." James shuddered once again at the mental picture of ants crawling through her insides.

"Precisely. Your average wizard would feel nothing. A witch would normally feel a tingling at first but that would soon fade away, perhaps after an hour after it was erected. The fact that she is continuously tickled means that she is very much in tune with the castle. She'd pick up any foe much more immediately and accurately than most."

James nodded in understanding, it made sense. He'd prefer it be Lily as well, if it proved Snape wouldn't be a problem. He spent much more time around Lily than he did Filius Flitwick, and he'd want to be the first to know if the wards were breached. Well, second to know, the warder would be the first.

Another half hour passed without her presence or even a return patronus. How embarrassing that Filius should witness his witch behave this way, equally embarrassing for a student to disobey a professor. It was details like that that made James uncomfortable.

"Poppy!"

At once the elf was there. "Yes master Potter?"

"Will you find Lily and tell her to come here immediately, please?"

"Yes, sir." The elf curtseyed and disappeared with a crack.

Not even a minute later the elf returned, eyes wide with abject terror. "Nothing sir! I is finding nothing!"

"What do you mean, nothing?" he asked, barked rather. He felt the panic start to coil within him.

"I is trying to appear at her side, as you said, sir, and is finding nothing. No miss, just blackness and silence. Nothing but nothing." The elf was openly weeping now, massive tears sprang from massive eyes and streamed down the craggy face, plopping onto her uniform or onto the floor. James' stomach plummeted and he felt his throat and heart clench painfully. Fear. Fear and cold dread.

No. He refused. It wasn't possible. It just couldn't be. There had to be an explanation. There was no way she was...

"Dead and gone!" the house elf wailed, still sobbing inconsolably.

James shook his head. "_No_," he said quietly. He looked up again to find himself face to face with Poppy. He must have fallen to his knees at some point. His mind was a fog of disbelief. She wasn't. She just wasn't. Nothingness didn't prove she was gone. Perhaps the elf's magic was malfunctioning, perhaps Lily removed herself to some place unplottable. Well, elves could apparate within unplottable places but there was still hope. There had to be.

"Poppy."

"Gone, gone, _gone_..." she moaned, rocking back and forth, her face buried in her hands.

"Poppy!" he barked. The elf looked up at him, eyes drowning in tears. "I want you apparate to my mother."

"But sir, Mistress Potter is-"

"Dead, I know." His gut clenched. "Go to her side and come back to me."

The elf disappeared again. It felt as if the next five seconds dragged on unendingly but the elf returned.

"Well?" His entire body was shaking.

"I is arriving at the Potters' graves, sir."

"Not into blackness?"

She shook her head. James rose to his feet quickly. "Then she could still be alive. Somewhere."

"No where!" the elf proclaimed shaking her head.

"Poppy!" he roared. "If you don't start acting sensible it's clothes for you, do you understand?" he said angrily.

The elf sobered instantly, though despair was still plain in her face. Trying valiantly to stifle tears, the elf gave a jerky nod of understanding.

He wheeled to Flitwick, only then remembering he was there. "Help me," he pleaded.

x

The last thing Lily remembered was exiting the kitchens with Remus when she heard the sound of troublemaking below. "Uh oh, Remus. Head duties call." She kissed him farewell and hurried further into the dungeons. "Bye Lily," she heard his voice echo behind her. After that... nothing.

When she came to she was lying on her back, her head throbbing anew. She must have struck it on the ground. That was the second time in as many days she'd banged her head, she couldn't make a habit of it. Groaning, she sat up and opened her eyes.

At least, she thought she did. And yet everything was still completely dark and still. She froze turning her head in all directions fruitlessly trying to find out where she was. Her heart rate jumped to double its usual speed.

"Hello?" she called. She realised that the utter stillness wasn't just due to a lack of light but a complete absence of sound as well. She fumbled around her robes for her wand. She couldn't find it. Her searching hands felt the ground beneath her, it was cold, and stone, and the film suggested unclean as well. Still in the castle then? But she couldn't hear or see anything. But she could feel. Feel and smell. She wasn't so certain the latter was a good thing. She could tell this was a damp cold place, so she assumed the dungeons of Hogwarts as the most likely scenario.

"Hello!" she shouted again. Again no sound came out. She tried again and screamed as loudly as she could. For minutes she yelled, feeling her vocal chords nearly rip with the effort. She was certain it was making sound. When she put her hand to her throat she felt it vibrate.

She felt her face with her hands and experimentally felt her eyes. She delicately pushed the tip of her little finger and felt the moistness there as well as the pressure, proving that they were open.

Dread gripped at her heart. She was completely blind and utterly deaf. She'd read about such curses before. They were illegal. And irreversible...

She wanted to cry. Forever deaf and blind meant she'd never see James again or hear his voice. She might feel his touch but how would they ever communicate? How would she talk to her friends? She'd never know her children's faces. How was she to learn anything new if she couldn't hear or read about it? This darkness was all she'd ever know for as long as she lived.

The only thing that kept her from bawling outright was the sudden thought that just because she couldn't see or hear anyone didn't mean that no one was there. What if the one who had done this was still there, watching her feel her face and the floor? What if he stood somewhere nearby, amused that she could do nothing but fumble around. She could imagine them sneering, taunting her, saying terrible things they knew she couldn't hear. And she would just have to sit there like a fool and take it, being none the wiser.

"Hit me!" she voiced loudly, not that she heard it herself. She would provoke them to attack, that way at least she'd know they were there. Then she could start begging. Yes, begging. She had more than just herself to think of and she'd do anything to be released. Though she didn't have much hope. If they'd taken away her ability to communicate clearly they weren't interested in information. Just humiliation... _at best_.

She could feel her heart thumping wildly in her chest, feel her breasts rise and fall quickly as if she had just sprinted a great distance. "I know you're there," she said, not knowing if anyone was there at all. "So take your best shot! It's not like I can defend myself you fucking coward!"

She waited for a painful curse to strike but nothing came. She couldn't feel any movement and she truly felt she was entirely alone. Perhaps she was still lying in the very dungeon corridor in which she last remembered being and everyone else was still in class. Perhaps if she kept screaming long enough someone would hear. The Hufflepuffs and Slytherins both lived nearby. Eventually someone was bound to see or hear her.

She wasn't going to wait though. She rose unsteadily to her feet and extended her arms in front of her, taking a few hesitant steps forward. She tripped over nothing a few times before her hands came into contact with a grimy wall. She smiled weakly at this insignificant yet enormous victory and followed the wall slowly. If she was in the dungeon corridor she'd either reach the stairs that would lead towards the ground floor or she would reach the tapestry which was at the dead end of the hallway, in which case she'd just turn around and go in the opposite direction. Either way it would get her up to the Hospital wing, at least. She felt she could feel her way that far.

Heartened by her plan she moved a bit faster but stopped abruptly when her hand moved across something foreign. Metal. It dangled and moved when she touched it. It was a bit slimy but she continued to feel, not being able to recall anything that resembled this in the corridor. It was a loop, connected, she felt, to another loop. _Chains_. All of a sudden it seemed to spring to life. A manacle that she hadn't yet felt tried to clamp around her, but she was so startled by the movement she jerked and it clamped down on her hand instead of around her wrist. She yanked away from it so fiercely she felt it rip the skin on her palm and on the back of her hand. Off balance, she fell to the floor directly on her behind and started crab walking backwards to get away. She didn't know that more chains were snaking out to ensnare her until she felt them clamp down around both ankles, dragging her back to the wall away from which she had so hastily scooted. Soon more manacles found her wrists. In her panic, she couldn't be sure what the spell was exactly she had shot out at the chain that trapped her right arm, but she felt the flash of heat and sudden freedom as her hand jerked away from the wall. Blasting her other arm free, she tried her legs. Perhaps her panic was to blame, or perhaps it was that she couldn't see where she was trying to fire, but it took several tries to blast the chains away from her ankles. It was a miracle she hadn't blasted off her own feet in her frantic haste.

Once liberated she scrambled backwards away from the wall and the cursed chains, but stopped when she thought that going too far might bring her in contact with another wall and more evil manacles.

She was definitely locked away in an unused dungeon that no doubt had a silencing spell around it. She'd been left there to be completely forgotten. This time she did give up. She was deaf and blind. Even if someone did miraculously find her she'd be nothing but a liability from now on. She couldn't help anyone anymore, she was of no use, she wouldn't be able to fight. And to think that was the best case scenario. Worst case scenario was that she died of hunger before anyone found her, like Findart. That was _if_ they ever did. For the second time in as many days, Lily contemplated the possibility of dying alone never to be found.

She curled into a ball and clutching her stomach, silently cried herself to sleep.

x

The fact that the elf could appear at the side of the dead, didn't escape him. He knew that Poppy finding nothing proved only that wherever she was, dead or alive, it was no place he had ever been or heard of. Flitwick had gone out to inspect the wards. If they were still standing, she was still alive. If they weren't...

Why oh why had he gone to bed angry last night? Who cared about Snape? What did it matter really? His chest tightened along with his throat. What if the last thing he ever said to her was his yelling angrily at her to stop? He'd never forgive himself. At least she'd seen both Sirius and Remus that day. Hopefully they showed her some affection, unlike he had. If Remus was the last to have seen her, he hoped he had held her close before they parted, for her sake. James would be forever in the werewolf's debt for showing Lily at least some love and appreciation at the last. Something he hadn't given her.

But if she lived, oh if she lived he'd never do it again. He'd tell her he loved her every time they parted, no matter what. 'Please, please, _please..._'

He arrived at Dumbledore's office, out of breath for having sprinted the whole way there. The Headmaster wasn't in. He glanced at his watch and swore. It was dinner time; he'd be eating in the Great Hall. James took off again, running as quickly as his legs would carry him down the corridor, into the secret passage that was a slide down to the dungeons. Quicker to run up one flight of stairs rather than run down seven at a dangerous speed. He was likely to take a tumble and kill himself in his haste.

He burst into the dining hall and headed immediately for where Dumbledore sat, ignoring all the curious comments that buzzed around him as he whooshed by. He spared one glance for one student, and that was Rupert Ferris, who instantly got up to follow him.

"Professor," he gasped. Something about the expression on the Headmaster's face made his heart plummet even further, as if he already knew something. "Something's happened to Lily."

"I know," the man said sadly. "Her inimicus wards fell just a moment ago." James stared. She'd been alive only a minute ago. The Headmaster seemed to read his mind. "Just because the wards fell doesn't mean she isn't alive, just unable to maintain them."

Which meant no matter what, her situation was declining.

"Where is she?" Dumbledore asked.

"I don't know." He quickly told him everything, his visit with Flitwick, Lily not showing up, and what the house elf reported.

"How can one girl get into so much trouble?" someone down the table asked. Both James and Rupert turned to glare at whoever spoke. Vector, as it so happened.

"You're the arithmancer, _you_ figure it out!" he spat. He turned his eyes back to the Headmaster. "What do we do?"

"When I've lost something and wish to find it again, generally the first thing I do... _is look_."

x

Lily awoke to a reality more hellish than the nightmare she'd had. In her dream she had at least sight, though still no sound. It took a full minute for her to remember where she was. When she did she didn't move. She lay on the stone floor for what felt like hours, trying to remember what James' voice sounded like, to play it in her head but it was impossible. Her mind was filled with the loudest silence she had ever experienced. It was as if the silence consumed everything else in her mind. She could recall nothing, think of nothing but soundlessness. She even felt the pressure of it weighing on her eardrums, compressing them uncomfortably, like being too high in the air or too deep in the sea. This silence could drive someone entirely mad.

She forced herself to imagine what everyone else was doing at that moment, but seeing as she hadn't a clue how long she'd slept or what time it could possibly be, she just made it up. Hagrid would be baking up a fresh batch of blueberry fang-mint muffins. Sirius would be having a glass of wine as he read by the fire. Remus would be on the sofa, legs outstretched to rest on the coffee table as he too read. James would be eating in the Great Hall making reluctant conversation with Horace and Roo would be in his room, having skipped dinner to sneak away with his latest conquest so he could return her back to her common room before the new earlier curfew. She almost smiled at the thought. Everyone, for the moment, was at peace. Perhaps no one had even noticed she was gone yet. Would James even come to her rooms tonight? Or was he still angry with her? Perhaps he would go back to his own rooms and she wouldn't even be missed until morning. No, she had patrols with Flitwick at eleven. He'd notice, even if James didn't.

The thought of her Charms teacher brought a very real concern to her mind. The wards. If someone breeched the wards now, with her stuck in the dungeons, completely incommunicado, she wouldn't be able to tell anyone where or how or when the intruder entered. She cursed herself for not having thought of it sooner and immediately released the wards. Certainly Dumbledore would feel the wards fall, he'd know she was no longer capable and would soon assign someone else to do it. She was only lucky that no one had tried since she'd been there.

It was strange. She'd only had them up for a day and yet she'd already grown used to the tickling of her insides, now that it was gone her body felt incredibly still, almost dead already in comparison to before. Now she merely breathed. She attempted to conjure a patronus that may perhaps go to James, though she couldn't send him a message, at least she could alert him to a problem, but in her gloom she couldn't produce a happy enough thought to conjure it. She felt weighed down by despair.

She closed her eyes, having no need to keep them open, and tried to at least make herself a bit more comfortable for what would probably be her final moments. Wishing she had had a cloak, she pulled her school robes up over her head and bundled them together to fashion herself a sort of pillow. Reclining again, her head was certainly more comfortable but the rest of her body was still on the cold stones. She wandlessly cast a thermilicorpus on herself which instantly helped the temperature, but the floor was still moist and hard. Oh well, she'd get used to it. And if she didn't, well, it'd be over one way or another soon enough.

She un-tucked her white blouse from her skirt and unbuttoned the bottom few so that she could rest her hands on the smooth very warm skin of her belly. It was comforting. It was perhaps half hour later when another idea occurred to her. She removed her rather itchy woollen stockings and engorgioed them to such proportions that they'd fit an overweight giantess. Blindly folding them up she made a respectable pallet to keep her off the damp hard floor. Using the same logic she removed her skirt and also increased its size so that it was large enough that she could sleep entirely inside of it so that she was kept from the breeze and also from the itchy wool.

It didn't change anything that would happen, but a small comfort is comfort nonetheless, and she'd take whatever she could get.

As she rubbed her stomach it occurred to her that even with her deafness she should be able to hear _something_. In her quietest moments she had always heard her curse murmuring to her, because that was something she heard within her soul. Why then wasn't it murmuring to her now? It would almost be nice to hear something now. But no, not even a whisper. Now that she was searching for it she couldn't even feel its weight either. She rifled through her memory, trying to remember the last time she had felt it and realised it had been ages ago.

Was she no longer cursed, or was it just lying dormant? Not once had she felt it since she woke up from that dream that hadn't been hers. Once she had truly taken in the muggle Tom's life. Those hours she'd spent unconscious, she knew was the time her body had been absorbing his life. Was that extra life enough to make up for the part of her own that the curse had already taken? It would be a happy thought if she had any reason to hope that she wouldn't die there in the dungeons no matter what. She'd think about that later, if she ever got out. She'd tell James about it and wouldn't be able to hear what he said back... because even if she lived, it would be as one deaf and blind. Thoroughly depressed again, she drifted off, the manacles around her wrists and ankles making it impossible to imagine she was anywhere else.

When she came to she was on her side, still cosily cocooned in her little arrangement, her hands pillowing her head and the manacle cool against her jaw. She gasped and sat up. She had heard something, she was almost certain of it. She sat perfectly still waiting to hear the sound again, but no, there was nothing. She must have just been dreaming. She was entirely deaf, she reminded herself sadly, and lay back down, using her hands as a pillow again.

There it was again! A sort of continuous rumbling, like that of a river, but entirely different. A moment later she realised that she was hearing the sound of her own life, her own body as it lived. The flowing of her blood, the movement of her muscles. Sitting up she removed her hands from her ears and was once again engulfed in the silence but when she put them back was welcomed by her body's own symphony. She could hear her own breaths again, her own voice as she let out cry of relief, her heartbeat as it slowed and calmed. She spoke to herself, her voice sounding muffled and amplified at the same time.

So she wasn't deaf after all! This room must just be spelled to absorb all sound. It stood to reason that if she wasn't actually deaf, nor was she truly blinded either, the room just allowed no light. Happy happy thought! She spent another hour almost peacefully listening to the sound of herself, relishing in the knowledge that she wasn't going to be a burden if she were found. But she realised that this situation would mean that being found would be next to impossible now. Although she now knew the secret of the room, even if someone were to open the door she'd never know it. Without light to see or sounds to alert her, she'd never be able to tell if another person entered. Not unless they walked right into her would she be able to possibly detect any change. She didn't even know where the door could be, nor did she dare move for fear of being strangled by the evil implements on the wall. Who knew what else was in the room, or what worse things would try to take her.

She tried to feel for a draught but the air was very cold and staid. She'd already become accustomed to the mouldy rotten smell of it. What else could she possibly do? There was little chance any spell she could cast would be able to leave the room, it was very heavily ensorcelled. She put her mind to the task and within the minute had a plan, odd though it may be.

"Dilluvia!"

That was an experience. She'd never created water without a wand and the sensation was entirely alien to her. It didn't flow directly out of her hands but from small gap in front of them. The distance between her hands and the force of gushing water felt like opposite magnets that reject one another, that refuse to touch no matter how hard you try to press them together. It was a decidedly odd sensation.

The dungeon must have been very large indeed, because it took a while for the room to flood entirely. The water swirled around her ankles, then knees, the up to her waist, chest, and chin. She began treading in place as the water level rose higher and higher. When she assumed the room was mostly filled she thought _finite incantatem_ and the gushing stopped.

Her logic was that she had no hope of finding the door, nor could anyone find her if they opened it from their end. By flooding the room, hopefully the water would leak out, alerting someone to the problem. The Slytherins and Hufflepuffs couldn't remain unaware of it for long; eventually someone would call a member of staff. She'd filled the room completely because she reasoned when the door _was_ opened the water would simply carry her along as it gushed out. Water didn't need eyes to find an exit, so she would simply, as the saying went, 'go with the flow.' Her initial thought had been to just cast a bubble head charm and stand on the floor, but if she wanted to be carried by the current, she'd have to remain at the top. She just floated on her back for a time, but was afraid she'd float towards a wall, so she decided to tread in place, though the added chains and manacle attached to each limb weighed her down. If she hadn't already spent hours in utter dark and silence, she would have found the lack of splashing noises disconcerting. As it was, she found _everything_ disconcerting, and only the desperate hope that the door (if there was one) hadn't been made unperturbable kept her from succumbing.

She'd been treading for a while, perhaps an hour when she got a horrible cramp in her foot. Her arms and legs where already aching with the effort, but this sudden and debilitating pain was unbearable, making the business of treading impossible so long as it was present. She didn't know any spells to relieve cramping and she was quickly losing her ability to reason at all. Gasping she cast a relaxation charm. While she had aimed it at her foot, she accidentally numbed her entire right leg. She'd have to work with just one leg and her arms, but at least the pain was gone. Ten more minutes however and she was exhausted. She thought she had been exhausted before, but now the searing pain in her remaining three working limbs compounded the problem.

She was saved the trouble of finding a solution when finally she felt the water tug and start to rush. Knowing that freedom was moments away, she took a deep breath and simply let go of her efforts and let the current take her.

It was a glorious moment indeed when she heard the actual roar of the flood whooshing her out of the room. Light and sound returned in force just in time for her to collide with a suit of armour, knocking it over to be carried with her. There was a sudden, unnatural drop in water level and they crashed to the dungeon floor, a tangle of metallic and human limbs.

But she didn't care, she just revelled in the sounds, the overwhelming sounds and the light! It was only dimly lit torches but oh the light. Lifeless grey walls never looked so beautiful.

Looking up blearily at the ceiling, she coughed up water. She was free. She'd probably washed away her rescuer, but she was free. At last she could relax. Even though she wasn't moving, her muscles were still screaming with soreness but that was alright. Once she'd caught her breath she'd fix everything but for now... for now she just wanted to rest. And listen.

x

The entire staff spread out to search the castle, though there was no guarantee Lily was even _in_ Hogwarts. If she was elsewhere, there was very little chance they'd find her. James had Poppy occasionally pop back to where Lily was, to see if there was any change in location, but each time the elf came back with the same answer. Apparently Lily wasn't going anywhere. "_Please, Lily. Please be alive_," he'd chanted over and over again, much to the annoyance, no doubt, of the Charms professor with whom he was searching. They opened every classroom, inspected everything within them, cupboards, trunks, wardrobes, anything that might lead to a world of nothing.

Hours of searching got them nowhere. Often they passed other teachers in the corridors, but no one had had any sign of her. A very annoyed looking Filch came and took Professor Flitwick away to complain and ask the tiny wizard to fix yet another flood in the sub-dungeons. James was so high-strung by that time that he nearly snapped off grumpy Professor Kettleburn's remaining fingers when the git suggested they give up the search. Growling, he told himself that mutilating his fellow professors wouldn't help the situation and called for Poppy again.

"Once again, please," he told her wearily. He knew the elf disliked going into 'the dark place' but she was the only link he had.

When she reappeared she was drenched from top to toe. "Under water! I is completely under water!"

"Water?" His immediate thought was the Loch and was about to bark at Kettleburn to round up the merfolk to start a search when his head snapped to the left, where Flitwick had vanished. _A flood in the dungeons._

James tore off in that direction, hurtling down the staircase and jumping the final four steps, landing with a splash. He started running but when a veritable wave came rushing toward him he braced himself. It rushed powerfully past him, the thigh high water nearly taking him down. He saw tiny Professor Flitwick being carried away down the corridor by the flow crying "Ahhh!" as he rushed passed. While he should have helped Filius he couldn't tear his eyes away from the opening, his eyes pealed hoping to see her. Finally out came a limp and sodden red-head. James winced as the water threw her into a suit of armour with a clang.

"Sitis!" he heard Flitwick cry somewhere behind him. The water level instantly lowered so that it was just a layer of wetness on the ground. As he ran down the corridor to her he mentally thanked Filius for his expertise. Not many knew such obscure spells like a drought charm.

"Lily!" he yelled. "LILY!"

His heart soared as he heard her cough and sputter.

The first thing he did when he dropped to his knees beside her was to claim her mouth with his. Only briefly though; as she seemed to be trying to catch her breath. "Lily, babe, talk to me, are you alright?"

Looking over her he noticed that one leg was crumpled beneath her, not looking comfortable at all, but her expression as she looked on him was that of pure delight.

"I thought I'd never see you again," she croaked.

He grabbed her by the shoulders and crushed her against him in a hug, so desperately glad to have her back. When he pulled away she was sniffling. He nuzzled her face with his. "Are you alright?" he asked again, doing his best to shove away the suit of armour and gently moving her leg out from under her into a more natural position.

"Just tired, I think."

Good. Tired he could handle. In fact, he'd whisk her off to bed as soon as possible. "What happened?"

"I don't know. I must have been obliviated, because I can't remember a thing but waking up in that... that hell-hole."

James looked to the room then back to her. "Hell hole?"

She nodded fervently then winced and put a hand to her head. There was a large metal clasp clamped around that wrist and he doubted it was the latest style of bracelet. He was about to ask when she spoke first. "What time is it?"

"Nearly one in the morning."

"I was only in there 9 hours? It felt like ages," she rasped, gently lying back down again.

"Believe me, love, it felt like ages for me too." He leaned over and kissed her nose. "What happened to your voice?"

"Screaming," she admitted. "Not that anyone heard. That and cold air."

He hated to rush her for an explanation, but he was curious. "What happened all that time? Why couldn't you get out? What's with all the water? And the manacles?"

Her explanation only took a minute or two. Lily started her tale from when she left the kitchens that afternoon, and ending the moment she flowed out again. She'd even clasped her hands over his ears and made him listen.

"Isn't it wonderful?" she'd said.

"What?"

"My sound! That's _my_ sound. That's the sound of _me_."

"Not your voice?"

"Even as a mute, I'd still be Lily, and as long as I am alive, this is my sound."

James put his hands over her ears and asked "How about me?"

"Wonderful," she said with a smile.

James grinned back. She slowly closed her eyes to listen, and for a moment James thought Lily was going to try to fall asleep cradling her face against his hands, so he pulled away and nicely asked her to continue the story. When she mentioned accidentally numbing her leg he looked about her to see if she had her wand, or if she'd lost it in the flood of if she'd gone wandless the whole time. He asked her about it.

"My wand!" she cried. "My wand! I couldn't find it in there, perhaps it came out with me. Accio!" To her utter delight, her wand zoomed into her hand. "I thought it would be gone. I wonder why they didn't take it..." she mused.

"If they kept it themselves it would just be incriminating ev—" He stopped short, only just then noticing that more than just Lily had been flushed out of the room. Following his gaze she saw them too.

"Apparently I wasn't the first guest," she said in uncharacteristically _dark_ humour. From what James could see from his position, there were no less than three human skeletons in various degrees of decay, one just an arm's length from where the top of Lily's head lay on the ground.

"I'm sure more have died in there, they just weren't flushed out because they're chained to the wall." Lily gasped in some horrified realisation. "What if there were others with me? What have I done?!" she cried, pushing James away and curling up next to the wall and as she burst into tears.

James, who was thoroughly confused by this outburst, and the whole situation in general, didn't have a chance to soothe or seek further because the rest of the teachers arrived. Filius must have gone to fetch them, which at least had given them a few moments to themselves.

"No, no, no, please, no, please no," she wailed to herself, her body convulsing with powerful sobs.

"Gracious!" someone cried in a thick Scottish accent. Minerva, no doubt. "What happened here?"

"Lily," James whispered to her. "Dumbledore's here." Somehow he thought this might help. The Headmaster was a reassuring presence and gave the impression that he could make any situation better simply by being there; at least that's how it felt to James anyway.

Lily stopped crying and called out for the Headmaster, who had been heading towards them anyway. James noticed that when the man walked, the water seemed to move out of his way, keeping his sweeping purple robes completely dry.

"Professor Dumbledore you have to find out if anyone is missing." She hiccoughed but continued hastily. "Send the Heads up to the house dorms and take attendance. I promise I'll explain all of this once they've done it but they have to find out. I need to know if anyone is gone," she said desperately. "Please, Professor. It's important."

Dumbledore nodded gravely as if he understood her reasoning. James certainly didn't though. He reached over to help Lily, who was clearly trying to stand. The leg that had been awkwardly bent didn't seem to want to cooperate. No doubt it was still numb.

The Headmaster turned to the House Heads. "Minerva, Fillius, Pomona, Horace, I need you to go immediately to your houses and make certain every student is accounted for. The rest of us will wait here for your return."

The four looked from the Headmaster to Lily before turning and leaving up the staircase.

James turned back to face Lily, who started whispering to him. "I couldn't see or hear anything, James. If there were other students trapped in there with me, if they weren't so lucky as to escape the chains, I've just drowned them all." She sounded entirely heartbroken and James understood why, also why she'd dissolved into tears and why she insisted on a head count. She wanted to know if she'd killed anyone or not.

When she'd been telling him the story, he hadn't thought of that possibility either. In fact, he thought she'd been rather clever, but now he could see the definite flaw in that plan. Lily would never forgive herself if it were true. It would eat her up and she'd never be the same again. James didn't even want to contemplate it. He just stood there, absently stroking the back of her sopping head as she buried her face in his robes, waiting for Minerva and the others to return with the truth.

Rupert Ferris crossed to them. Lily immediately attached to her friend who returned the embrace, asking what happened.

She shook her head. "Later," she said. "I can't... I can't even think until I know."

When the four Heads of Houses returned saying everyone was accounted for, Lily almost collapsed with relief. She would have if James and Rupert hadn't stopped her falling. It was only then that he realised how improper she actually looked. She wore only her school blouse, which in its current dripping state, revealed the flesh to which it clung so lewdly. Her legs were entirely bared to the world as well. Reflexively, James moved himself between her and all other eyes. He removed his wand and dried his robes. "Dry yourself," he commanded, before pulling off his own robes and giving them to her to wear, glaring at Filch all the while. Not that he'd seen the squib _actually_ leering, but he imagined it was just the type of thing the git would do.

He knew Lily must have been changed by then, he'd heard her slip them over her head, the rustling of fabric and the clanking of those manacles were unmistakable, but she chose to remain standing hidden behind him, secretly clutching the fabric of the tunic shirt he'd worn under his robes that day. Had he known he'd be taking off his over-robes in front of all his colleagues, he might have chosen something more dignified to wear. However, by the approving glances of his female co-workers, he gathered he must not look that bad.

Slightly reluctantly, Lily explained the need for checking on all the students by describing the dungeon in which she was trapped, as James set about removing the chains around her wrists and ankles. She held out her hands to him without even looking when he moved up from her feet, and simply carried on to describe to all the others how she'd managed to escape, consequently explaining the presence of the long dead among them.

"I thought I was being clever but I was being so stupid and self centred. I wasn't thinking of anyone but myself. I'd understand, Headmaster, if you wanted a new Head Girl."

James could understand Lily's point of view perfectly, because he knew her, her sense of duty and sense of guilt. To her mind giving over the Head Girlship was the just and sensible thing to do, as the position was to serve the students, and she felt that she had forsaken that responsibility in the dungeon.

"You didn't harm anyone, my dear," McGonagall told her softly.

Lily shook her head. "That's not the point. If no one was hurt it was through luck and no consideration of mine."

James remembered and turned to her sharply. "The wards. They fell," he said accusatorily, tossing the fourth and final manacle and chain to the ground with a combined jangle and clank. She had told him she hadn't been injured but something powerful must have happened if she let slip her hold on them. He remembered at the time what he thought it had been but to his indescribable relief, she stood there next to him, very much alive.

"Of course," Lily answered matter-of-factly. Brows still drown together, James's displeased frown moved from her face and back to the task of mending the flesh of her hand. The gash was deep, but cleaned of blood no doubt from the long time spent under water. The skin was puckered around the wound, making it look somewhat even more gruesome than a normal one. Lily continued as he did his best at healing. He'd send her to the hospital wing later. "It was only dangerous to keep them. I didn't know how long I'd be there or if anyone had noticed I was missing. If someone had crossed them I would have been powerless to let anyone know. The sooner I let them go the sooner someone else would have to re-erect them." The Headmaster and Flitwick nodded.

"We will discuss your Head Girl appointment tomorrow, if you still wish to resign. For now..." The old man walked toward the dark gaping mouth that was the entrance to 'the hell hole,' and poked a knobbly finger through. It was instantly engulfed in darkness so thick it looked as if the digit had been cut off, that it ended at the knuckle.

"Hmm," he mused, and everyone came closer to watch the Headmaster at work. Removing his finger from the darkness he tossed a coin (fished from the depths of some pocket) into the dark cell. No sound issued from its landing.

He prodded it several times with his wand, casting spells that James didn't recognise only to stop and take a step back. Dumbledore didn't look confused or upset by his inability to counteract the magic. In fact, he seemed surprised, even intrigued. James would go so far as to say _impressed_.

.

Dumbledore assigned tasks to the staff to get the dungeons cleaned up and the room sealed away and a tapestry which had been placed over it affixed with a permanent sticking charm. The entrance had had a strong notice-me-not spell on it, which is why when searching the dungeons before, the staff hadn't found it. It wasn't until Flitwick was called down to fix the water that he noticed where it was coming from and detected the use of the charm.

Lily herself saw to the dead ones. Clearly they had been there for a long time, certainly not while either of them had been at Hogwarts. Still, she went about it as if she had known them personally, and requested that they have an official (if brief) service for them to send them off properly.

When asked, she replied softly, "If they died thinking they'd never be found, it would be a comfort to them to know they were in the end," and left it at that.

Lily spoke in honour of the dead, though unknown to her she couldn't very well eulogise their lives. Her speech was extremely short but touching in its way, ending with, "The lost and the forgotten, now found and remembered. Be at peace."

.

Lily made a point to apologise to everyone there, and depending on the person said either, "I'm sorry to have made you worry," to people like McGonagall and Slughorn or "Sorry for taking up your time," to those like Dippet and Kettleburn. Rupert Ferris was ever at her side but the two said very little to each other.

It would take a long time, getting everything back in order. The floor was covered not only in filth but fetid magical residue as well and everyone walked around with robes lifted to avoid soaking their cloak hems. Filch griped loudly at the hours of mopping it would take to clean the mess and it was obvious that several other parties present were feeling slightly annoyed to still be there. In fact, the only sound of amusement came from Lily and her burst of joyous laughter when James slipped and fell flat on his back in the sludge.

"Does something amuse you?" he asked from his position on the ground, trying to sound annoyed but was in reality all too pleased to hear her laughing.

"Your face!" she gasped, pointing at him. She pulled a ridiculous expression of shock and stupidity while flailing her arms in imitation of his own performance.

"Laugh it up, Red. Laugh it up," he said, patiently waiting for her to stop. When she'd calmed down a bit she extended her hand to him to help.

She ought to have known better. Really.

She shrieked as he yanked her down, falling on top of him in what felt like a tumble of more elbows than she actually had. She rolled off him and on to her back, laughing madly again. He chuckled too as he sat back up, watching her roll about in the muck. The stuff was all in her hair as it no doubt was in his.

"You do know you're revoltingly filthy, yes?" he asked offhandedly.

She simply scooped up a handful of sludge and slung it at him, splattering his shirt with the malodours brown/green muck.

"Oh it's like that is it?" he asked, an eyebrow lifting dangerously.

"Wuh oh." She began to crawl away, her efforts being hindered by the overlarge robes she was wearing.

"Oh no you don't." Using his wand, he fired a gob at her. She turned away from it just in time so that it hit the back of her head instead of right in the face.

"You asked for it, Potter."

For thirty wild seconds, an all out sludge fest ensued until a loud voice bellowing "Children, behave!" brought it to a halt.

James and Lily looked up to see a smug looking Rupert looking down on them as he shook his head. "You two ought to be ashamed of yourselves," he said trying very hard not to grin as he walked on.

It was almost impossible to believe how nightmarish everything had been not only an hour ago, and now... Well, crawling about in the filth had been the best part of his day. Lily looked so wonderfully unappealing in his unflattering robes and covered in slime. She was a gloriously disgusting vision withal and he was grinning like a fool.

"Rust!" came a metallic complaint. "Ruuust!"

"Silence, I'm coming to you next. You won't rust in the next 80 seconds!" McGonagall snapped at the whinging suit of armour nearest them. "And you Potter, I understand your... _relief_... but try to make yourself more useful!"

"Certainly, Minerva."

x

Lily watched as James conjured a mop and started working the muggle way singing merrily as he did. "Iiiiiiiiiiif something's really mucky, touching would be yucky, it's filthier than anything you've seen! Don't do it yourself! Leave it to an elf! And we will make it clean! Clean Clean!"

From her place on the floor Lily looked on in shock, not only because James had obviously been practicing the house elf song and was making a fool of himself in front of the staff, but also because the Headmaster had joined in with evident pleasure and familiarity.

James was in a blatantly good mood and she couldn't help but think how much had changed. 24 hours ago, he'd been furious, unwilling to hold her. Now it seemed that everything was forgotten. She was in no hurry to remind him either. Perhaps the matter had been permanently driven from his head... Unlikely, but Lily could still hope. But she could see, she could hear, and she was loved. And right now, that was plenty.

"Oh!" James said, snapping his fingers. "Poppy!"

The house elf appeared in front of him, looking miserable and nervous as she twisted her hands. "Yes master Potter, sir?" she asked sadly, seemingly unaware that she stood in a pile of sludge.

"Turn around Poppy," he said with a grin. She did so and her eyes went wide when she saw Lily.

"Miss!" she cried, and forgetting all codes of house elf decorum, flung her arms around Lily in a hug just as sincere as the one James had given her when she'd first escaped. Large elf tears were soaked up by James' teaching robes. Lily hugged the tiny elf back with deep and sincere reciprocation. Finally they separated so Poppy could wipe her nose on her tunic.

James, still smiling, sat on his heals and patted the elf on the head. For a minute they were just a group of grinning fools... until Poppy saw the utter mess of the dungeon corridor and gasped in utter horror.

Within a minute the hallway was newly occupied by no less than 40 elves, all cleaning... and all _singing_.

x

As the house elves had everything in hand, the rest of the staff parted ways for the night, thankful to at last be able to go to bed. As he saw Dippet approach, James was entirely tempted to say 'I told you so.' Two nights ago she'd been trying to convince him that Lily didn't need the protection he seemed to think she did and there it was, again. He wanted to say 'See? _This_ is what she's up against,' but he didn't. The whole reason Dippet made such a stink was she suspected (correctly, but that was beside the point) that his interest in Lily wasn't entirely professional. If he went to her now to rub it in her face saying 'See? I'm not showing too much interest in her and being overprotective,' that would only prove that he _was_. Still, it was annoying he couldn't flaunt being right.

Surprisingly, she did it for him. She approached, looking tired but determined. "I'm sorry for the way I acted Monday. After last night and today I can see where you are coming from. It was wrong of me to accuse you," she stated fairly.

James nodded. Now that he had his victory he didn't feel like rubbing it in. "She is a handful. Like a living summoning charm for trouble."

"Does she know who it was?"

His frown deepened. "No, I'm guessing she was obliviated, because a physically harmful spell it wouldn't get past the..." He couldn't say _Dragon's Eye_ so he settled for, "protection charms she wears. Although I'm guessing it's..." He stopped, suddenly wondering why he was telling Dippet this when he should be telling Lily and Dumbledore. "Excuse me."

Lily was on her hands and knees scrubbing side by side with the elves when he reached down and pulled her up by the elbow. She tripped over his robes but his grip on her arm prevented her from falling.

.

It was a fruitless discussion he'd had with Lily and Dumbledore. She couldn't tell them anything useful and balked at the very idea of letting the Headmaster into her mind to see. Dumbledore admitted that such measures would most likely prove unhelpful, for legilimency couldn't see memories that the person herself couldn't remember. James huffed in disappointment. He couldn't be certain, of course, but he suspected (hoped) that the one at fault for that evening's incident was the same person who had been uprooting mandrakes. That would mean that there was just the one person in the castle after her and not some new unknown party. His hand unconsciously grasped hers tightly.

The charms master, who had lingered unlike the rest of his colleagues, was asked to test the Dragon's eye, proving that it was only resistant to spells that did physical harm. Mind tampering magic was unfortunately, still possible and the most likely reason why she couldn't recall what had happened to her.

Finally admitting that he had no lead, James let Flitwick take Lily off to the grounds to see to the wards.

"_Prefect's bathroom later?_" he whispered suggestively to her before she left. She shook her head.

"I've had enough swimming for one day," she replied evenly as she walked passed.

x

Flitwick suggested that they go outside and see to her retaking the wards. This could have been done simply wand to wand, so she suspected he had something else in mind. She ignored her stomach, which was verily roaring with hunger, and followed him out. Though a newly cast thermilicorpus kept her warm, it felt very odd to walk around the castle barefoot, and even more so when she was outside.

At the anchorage of the wards, he stopped and asked her to extend her wand arm. She did so and a moment later felt her body tingling all over. Of course, this wasn't her original ward, she was taking over the one Flitwick had erected earlier while she was locked away. Something was different about them, but she couldn't rightly place what.

"That ought to fix it," the tiny wizard murmured.

"Was there something wrong with it?" she asked, concerned and more than a trifle disappointed in herself.

"Some concerns were expressed about them, but be assured nothing is wrong with your abilities."

"What concerns? Who expressed them?" She winced at her own bitter and childish tone and quickly withdrew the questions, mumbling an apology. As they walked up the main steps to go back inside, the great doors opened and James walked out, wearing a cloak this time. She gaped at him, utterly disappointed.

"You aren't going to London at this hour?" she asked disbelievingly.

He shook his head, smiling reassuringly. "Owlery," he answered simply. "Dragon and Ebony must be off hunting." His eyes raked over her body, covered in filth and unflattering robes as she was, until they landed on her feet. His eyebrows rose but he didn't remark on them. He just smiled as he walked on by.

.

The water that sprayed down her was warm and wonderful, as was the sound of its splashing. She lathered her body with more soap than was needed and cheerfully scrubbed herself clean. Lily was in a wonderful mood, simply because she could hear and see. She thought she never would again and now she was taking her time to appreciate the little things. She hummed delightedly as she rinsed her hair; that is, until the darkness began to circle around her vision. She sat down before she had the chance to fall. She remembered just how hungry she was and how badly she wanted to eat.

Once all the soap had been washed away she leaned back and closed her eyes to rest for a minute. The warm water still splashing down pleasantly on her reclined form was so relaxing she couldn't even summon up any worry about not having her homework done. She didn't have any plans to do it either which, for some reason, made her smile too.

The curtains were yanked open and James smiled down at her.

"Hallo heart," he said.

She opened one eye and hummed a return greeting.

"Sleeping here tonight?" he asked amusedly, crouching down so that he could rest his arms on the side of the tub.

"I just might," she answered, closing her eyes again.

"There's just one problem with that plan, however."

"Oh?" She felt his fingertips gently touch her cheek and trail down.

"Yes, there's no room for _me_."

She grinned again. "I'm starving," she remarked.

"Actually I'm a bit peckish myself. I'll call Poppy to bring us... well 'supper' was hours ago, and it's even too late for a midnight snack..."

"An early breakfast?" she suggested.

James chuckled. "Want anything in particular?"

"Stew, please."

"As you wish." He leant over and kissed her head. "Take your time, heart," he whispered.

.

When they made love later Lily kept her eyes open the entire time, refusing to let them close no matter how wonderful James felt. She kept her gaze unwaveringly on him, his face, every change in his expression. She drank in the sounds as well, every one of his groans, hisses, grunts. Everything was music. And the words that escaped him, whether they made sense or not, were a sonnet. She remembered telling him in the throws of everything how beautiful he was. Later, after they had both collapsed boneless against each other he asked, batting his eyelashes, "Do you really think I'm beautiful?"

She couldn't summon the will or strength to slap him for his cheek, so she simply said, "Yes," and nuzzled her face into him, her hand playing weakly with the hair on his chest. James chuckled deeply and kissed the top of her head.

"Goodnight, heart."

She placed her head on his chest, and dragged his hand up from where it was rubbing her hip to cover her exposed ear instead. That wonderful heartbeat and gentle rumble, the sound of James, the most important sound in her world, was the last thing she heard before she fell asleep.

.

The alarm went off far too soon for her liking and Lily had a hard time getting James to wake. He seemed very much to want to stay in bed and Lily could hardly blame him, wanting to do the same thing herself. It was a pity there were no Pepper-up potions on hand, or her own sleepless solution. She briefly considered skipping her first, second, even _all_ her lessons for that day and letting James do the same, but that would hardly be setting a good example, and she had N.E.W.T.s to think of.

She had to cajole him into fresh robes, promising that he could go back to bed after his first lecture until after lunch. Groaning he finally acquiesced. Lily wiped the sleep from his eyes and insisted that he head down to breakfast first. She was worried that if she went down before him he'd simply go back to bed.

As she descended the steps to the Great Hall, the Bloody Baron of all beings, doffed his hat to her and bade her good morning. Lily, startled and bemused, made an awkward curtsey, knowing no other way to respond to such an unexpected and gallant gesture from the Slytherin ghost. The Baron floated past her and she wondered if she had in fact just curtseyed, of all things, and why had the ghoulish ghost distinguished her.

She had forgotten the incident by the time she sat down by Rupert and began devouring her breakfast.

"Hungry?" Roo asked affectionately.

"Ravenous," she answered as daintily as she could through a mouth full of food.

"Not surprising."

"Miss Evans." Lily looked up at the sound of her name called in an unfamiliar voice to see Ravenclaw's ghost, the Grey Lady genuflect with much more grace than Lily had managed only a few minutes ago.

Lily nodded from her seat, stunned. She only managed to swallow her enormous bite and return a simple, "Lady."

Once the ghost had glided along out of ear-shot she whispered to Roo, "That's the second time today. The Bloody Baron did the same thing just before I came in."

Roo frowned in confusion and swallowed his bite of toast and marmalade. "Curious," he remarked. "What have you done?"

"Nothing. At least, nothing that I can think of."

Roo shrugged and continued with his breakfast. "You might ask Nick. He'd tell you if he knew."

"Good idea," she agreed and looked about the Great Hall for the Gryffindor ghost. There were only a few scattered spectres in the room now, none of them Sir Nicholas, but a few of them nodded in her direction when they caught her gaze. Lily thought that she might ask Professor Binns, whose class she had in a few minutes, but her History of Magic teacher was no more cognizant of the goings on of ghostly society than he was of the living. Binns was rather unaware of anything that didn't involve giving his lectures in his own subject.

Despite this opinion, Lily was still a tad expectant when she walked into the classroom. Binns wasn't in yet. When he did float through the blackboard Lily sat straighter in her seat in expectation, but Binns simply began to deadpan his lecture as he had a hundred, a thousand times before. Lily slumped and quickly began taking notes. Dropping History of Magic had its appeal, certainly, and that morning it seemed even more seductive than usual. Of course she knew she never would, just like her classmates would stay. She and Rupert had talked at length at the end of their fifth year about all their courses, and the importance of going on with Binns' class.

'If you apply to the Ministry, History of Magic shows that you are suitably boring enough for a desk job, or at least that you can handle the tedium,' Roo had said. Of course, History of Magic was considered the heavy class to carry those less magically capable into the professional sphere. Advanced Charms and Transfiguration on an N.E.W.T level were too difficult for many, in fact, while Flitwick and McGonagall both accepted A level or higher into their advanced classes, very few students passed the examinations at the end of their 7th year. Therefore History of Magic was a staple in many magical educations.

As Lily sat listening to Binns drone on she wondered if she hadn't made a mistake in her choice to focus on only the classes that were needed to enter the auror trainee programme in her 7th year. While she'd taken all her other subjects through sixth year, she'd given them up and now she regretted it. She ought to be in Herbology rather than History of Magic. How many times this term had she popped into the greenhouses? How many herbology texts had she checked out from the library to reference and research for potions? She'd loved Ancient Runes but she could admit that it wasn't the most practical of classes. She'd done Arithmancy as well, which at the time she hadn't felt important, even if it had been delightfully challenging. Now, even as she sat she couldn't help but hash out basic equations and matrices. Why hadn't she thought the future was relevant? Unlike Astronomy or, even worse, Divination (which Hogwarts didn't even offer as a subject, to Lily's approval, though there were several witches in Diagon who practiced) Arithmancy was an exact and tricky science. A respectable and (if done correctly) useful talent.

She sighed as she began packing away her things, shoving them into her bag and leaving the classroom with the rest of them.

Perhaps she was just in an odd mood from all that happened the day before combined with the odd behaviour of the ghosts that morning, but she could have sworn Professor Flitwick was treating her oddly. Well no, that wasn't true, he treated her just the same but she thought he was looking at her oddly, as if there was something new about her he hadn't seen before... and wasn't sure if he liked what he saw. This definitely unnerved her. She wasn't a vain creature, but she was proud, and had been a teacher's pet since her first year. The possibility of falling out of favour with the tiny wizard saddened her.

By the end of the lesson she was certain she hadn't been imagining things, something had definitely altered in their relationship. He barely looked at her throughout the entire lesson, no knowing smiles, no asking her for answers. At the end Flitwick didn't look at her when class ended, clearly he didn't expect an after class discussion as they walked together to lunch, as was their custom.

She had recovered her wand before the rest of the staff arrived the night before, only James had known she'd been without it during her time in 'the hell hole.' Most everyone else assumed (or she assumed they assumed) she'd done her magic with a wand. In fact, only the Headmaster, McGonagall, and James knew about her wandless magic. Well, she imagined Poppy Pomfrey did as well, she'd admitted as much. Oh, and she'd accidentally performed a few simple spells in front of Horace once or twice, but she didn't even know if the man had noticed. She felt now was the time to 'confess' to the Charms master and seek more tutelage. Hopefully that would warm him to her again. She didn't know any way to a professor's heart other than show an utter interest and sincere passion in the subject, and her wandless magic was still at a basic level. Her and James' lessons were forgotten in lieu of other more important developments. She practiced all the time, of course, but only with simple things. She'd tried to do the protective charm in Defence Against the Dark Arts without a wand and that had been disastrous. _Dilluvia_ was a simple spell, just with great and very noticeable results. It wasn't complex or difficult magic by any means. If she really wanted to be as powerful as she could, she'd need more training, and if she couldn't have Dumbledore, surely Flitwick would be the next best choice, would he not? She could understand why Dumbledore had suggested James do it, the sneaky old man, but surely now that she'd reached this level of confidence in her basic ability it was time for more concentrated training. Could Flitwick even do wandless magic himself? She'd assumed he could.

"Sir?" she asked tentatively. Roo had already left; he was used to her staying after to talk to the Charms master and he hadn't noticed that today was different. Either he didn't hear her or he pretended that he hadn't so she repeated herself. "Sir?" she called out, a bit more loudly than before.

"Miss Evans," he replied stiffly, raising his eyebrows as if he were surprised to see her there, as if she didn't speak to him _every_ Thursday before lunch.

Playing into this (ridiculous charade) she said overly politely, "I was wondering if I might have a word with you Professor. To apologise and thank you and ask for your help."

A more realistic expression of confusion and interest replaced the previous one.

"Apologise for last night and the night before, for making that terrible scene in Dumbledore's office and for last night and washing you down the corridor and for making everyone stay up late to fix it."

His eyes softened. "That wasn't your fault, I'm certain no one blames you."

Lily was certain they did but didn't bother to argue the point. "And I'd like to thank you, for having faith in me and my wards. Not many professors would have done that and it means a lot. And secondly, of course, for finding me last night in the dungeons. If you hadn't noticed the hidden entrance, I might still be in there."

"If you hadn't flooded the dungeons I wouldn't have found it."

"All the same, sir, thank you."

He made small negating gestures. "You said you wanted my help?"

She nodded. "I was hoping you could help me with wandless magic, sir."

.

She and Flitwick had skipped lunch entirely in light of this (not so new) development. Whatever it had been that caused him to act oddly during class obviously wasn't an issue anymore, and the tiny wizard was carried away by the discussion and demonstration of her wandless magic, elementary though it was. She had admitted to him that she really couldn't do anything above year three spells and he created a special practice schedule for her. They didn't assign any specific extra lessons times, but he assured her that she was welcome to visit him during office hours. He also cheerfully lent her a book from his own personal collection,_Wands Away__, Mastering the Use of Wandless Magic _by Conrad Cornwell. There was still 20 minutes until Defence Against the Dark Arts, she contemplated heading up to the classroom early and start reading, but she wanted to check in the Great Hall to see if she could find the Gryffindor ghost.

As it happened, they ran into (through) each other on her way down.

"Sir Nicholas!" she greeted cheerfully. "I've been looking for you."

"Lily Evans." He swept her a courtly bow, one so low that his head swung off, not entirely off of course. He wasn't called 'Nearly Headless Nick' for nothing. He just dangled there for a grotesque moment before he hastily collected himself, standing erect again looking slightly embarrassed. Lily cleared her throat, pretending along with him that the previous indignity never occurred.

"Nicholas, do you know why all the ghosts of the castle are being suddenly courteous to me?"

He smiled broadly at her. "You released two of our fellows. Not everyone _chooses_ to stay in this world, you understand."

"I _don't_ understand," she said shaking her head.

"Just before two I believe it was. Early this morning. Missing Mariah and Forgotten Franz disappeared in a burst of light. They've moved on."

"Moved on? You told me that once you decide to be a ghost that's it, you can't change your mind."

"That is so, but as I said, not all of us choose to remain as ghosts. Some are forced to stay."

"How?"

"Dying a particularly violent death, those who never come to grips with death remain here until they can," he said simply. "Mariah and Franz were two such beings. Not until last night did they receive the closure they needed to pass on."

Lily began to understand but couldn't get any words past her lips. She had no idea what to say.

"The lost and forgotten, found and remembered," Nick echoed her own words.

For some reason her mouth went dry, and she thought about just how many ghosts there were at Hogwarts. Lily had practically plagued Nick with questions as a first year when she had learned that ghosts really _did_ exist, but she'd focussed on the phenomenon, not on the personal lives of the ghosts themselves. What made a ghost want to remain a ghost?

"So that's why the Grey Lady and the Baron, and the Friar and many of the others..."

"Indeed. It was a moving sight. I was there when it happened, I got to see them pass on..." His expression grew almost dreamy.

She knew Nick had chosen to be a ghost, but that wistful look made her wonder if he regretted the decision he'd made over a century ago.

"If you could go back to your death, would you choose to be a ghost again or would you move on?"

He smiled and silently floated away without answering. She watched him go. She shouldn't really have asked that. Surely there was no more deeply personal question to a ghost.


	69. In Which Lilies Abound

_**Chapter 69: In Which Lilies Abound**_

Lily had just left Sir Nicholas, or rather Sir Nicholas had just left her. She had been ascending the staircases that would take her up to Defence Against the Dark Arts, when she remembered that she had promised to tell Roo when she found out about the odd behaviour of the ghosts. Lunch would be over in ten minutes, would the Head Boy even be in the Great Hall still? Despite being nearer to the classroom, she decided to seek him out at the Gryffindor table; even if he wasn't there she'd still have a chance to swipe some food first and not have to impose on Poppy. She made it only as far as the fourth floor before she spotted her best friend storming up the staircase.

"Roo!" she called out. Her voice bounced against the walls and echoed from every which way. It was no wonder he turned in the wrong direction to respond to her. Instead of looking forward and up, he looked backward and down and shouted, "No. Leave me alone. I don't know what the hell you want, Lily, and I don't care." There was an inescapable bite of disapproval in his tone. He sounded angry. Now that he was getting close enough to see, he _looked_ angry too. Furious in fact.

Ignoring that he'd just been rather rude to her (even in his bad moods he never snapped at her, so something _must_ be terribly awry), she asked concernedly, "What's wrong?"

Roo looked up, startled to see her. He turned back to look down in the direction from which he'd just come and then looked back to her again. "How did you get up there?"

"You must have just thought I was down there because of the echo," she answered hastily, trying to push that aside as quickly as possible to get to what was actually important. "But tell me what's happened. Are you alright?" She was genuinely worried. It must have been something big to put him into that foul a temper.

He closed the distance between them and eyed her shrewdly. He inhaled sharply and looked down at his robes. His hand quickly covered his head boy badge and he let out a long pained sigh. "I'm an idiot," he said, then looked up at her. "I don't suppose you remember what the last paragraph of my potion's essay was supposed to be about, do you?"

"Roo, that was already due! Please tell me you turned it in. I watched you write most of it, how could it have taken you so long to write only 8 inches on the effects of leech juice?" Lily shook herself. She would not be sidetracked. "Forget that. If you don't tell me what's wrong right now I'll never help you on another ruddy essay ever again!"

Her best friend just shook his head again. "I'm definitely an idiot." He took off down the hall, leaving Lily there utterly perplexed.

"Roo! What on earth is going on!" she demanded stomping her foot angrily. She regretted it instantly, the jolt that went from heal to knee was sharp and painful.

He turned around, trying to work something out in his mind. "I don't know. You get yourself somewhere safe for the time being."

"While you go off by yourself and do whatever it is alone? No!"

"Lily please? I'll be fine so long as you are safe somewhere." He turned around, looking down the stairs where he was heading, then back to her. "Somewhere on the upper floors. Don't come down and don't..."

"_Rooey_, you _have_ to let me help."

"You can help by getting Potter. I just spoke to him, he was heading to his office I think. You stay there and send him here."

x Moments earlier x

James had been hoping to catch Lily before she went to the Great Hall. He wanted to talk to her before DADA and thought having a chat in his office during lunch would be the best time for it. That pesky list kept beating him over the head, literally. He'd used that spell Lily had invented oh so long ago to get his younger students to open their text books before trying to write essays. In his own case, he did it simply so he wouldn't forget. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately, and this was something that he couldn't afford to overlook.

She wasn't in her rooms. He'd been heading toward the ground floor and the Great Hall and had just immerged from a secret passage to find Rupert Ferris marching angrily upwards. James called out to him and the boy stopped.

"Have you seen Lily? Is she in the Hall?"

The boy's jaw clenched and he replied stiffly, "I don't know, sir," before storming off again.

James' brows rose in surprise. He'd seen the boy angry before, even toward him, but in those instances James had been in no doubt as to what he'd done to earn the boy's disfavour. Perhaps he'd just caught him on a bad day. It was possible, people did have bad days, even Rupert Ferris.

He continued on his way down, having decided to forget about the whole thing, when he saw what had most likely angered the Head Boy...

Lily Evans was...

His brain couldn't even process it. She was fervently snogging a seventh year Ravenclaw right there in the corridor. It was mostly her back that was to him but there was no mistaking _that_ shade of red, that glimpse of her profile. And then there was her singular build. He'd recognise _that_ anywhere, covered in robes or not. (_Especially_ when not.) And at that moment, it was in a niche on the second floor corridor, entwined with some bloke that certainly _wasn't_ him. He didn't intervene; he just stood there, watching, mystified and horrified. They pulled away after a moment and the boy asked. "Shouldn't we head to class?" to which the girl replied smiling nervously, shaking her head, "No, let's not go today." And with that they recommenced their previous activity.

James blinked.

It just wasn't Lily. It couldn't be.

He was almost sure that it wasn't shocked disbelief that drove him to that conclusion either. This wasn't denial, it was deduction.

It was Lily's face, but not her smile. Her eyes, but they had not their twinkle. Lily's body, but not Lily's body language.

Ignoring what his eyes told him, he listened to his instinct and devised a quick scheme.

"Evans! Conway!"

The two split up immediately at the sound of the professor's sharp tone.

"It's not after curfew, so technically you aren't breaking any rules. But it's just poor taste to go about your business where the whole school can see, eh?"

Conway swallowed and nodded, and 'Lily' just stared at him, looking for his reaction.

"Oh and Evans, you know that extra assignment you turned in last week?" She blinked in response so he kept talking. "There were several things wrong with your theory. You might want to redo the whole thing. Stop by my office if you have any questions."

She nodded, a bit surprised and she and Conway left to find a more secretive place.

That was definitely _not_ Lily. While she did look guilty for having been caught with some boy, she made no protestations when he criticised her work. _His_ Lily wouldn't have accepted the fact that she had made _any_, let alone several, mistakes in her work. She'd have argued to the bitter end that her research was sound.

Which of course it would have been had she actually done an extra credit assignment, but he hadn't asked her for one.

Knowing that there was a Lily imposter in their midst he decided to take action. Withdrawing his wand, he set out after the pair that had just left him.

"Evans!" he called out casually. "Oi Evans!"

The pair turned around. "Professor?"

"Actually I forgot there's something else I need to discuss with you." He turned to Conway and explained, "Ministry stuff, you know."

Lily paled at this and said, "Perhaps another time would be better?"

"It won't take long," he assured and took her by the elbow, leading her away.

"Am I in trouble?" she whispered when they were out of earshot.

"Why do you think you'd be in trouble?" he asked carefully.

"David," she said guiltily, and for a moment James began to doubt himself. She was feeling guilty around him, now that no one else could see it. He looked her up and down, desperately looking for something, he knew not what.

His doubt was quickly vanquished when noticed that the badge was missing from her robes. Probably because he or she couldn't have swiped it from the real Head Girl.

James still had to play the part, though this fake Lily wouldn't be able to tell the difference either way. She (or he) wouldn't know how they'd normally behave so he'd do his best to act the way he'd be expected to. He set his expression to an angry one and marched her up to his office in a huffy silence.

"Come on in." He opened his office door allowing her to pass through before hastily removing his cloak and draping it over _LILY'S CHAIR._

"I've had an owl from Swain, you are to have the dossier ready by Friday," he said, thinking that he didn't know a single Swain in all of his acquaintance.

"No problem," she said hastily. "May I go?"

"Go?" he asked. He couldn't afford to let her go. Assuming it was polyjuice, he'd just have to keep her locked away for at the most an hour until whoever it was changed back. He'd be late for his own lesson, but that couldn't be helped. Until then, he wasn't going to alarm him or her by thinking he suspected. He'd play this out calmly.

"Yes, I have some things to do--" she started.

"Like writing to my best friend to tell him you're a cheating trollop, perhaps?" If he weren't dealing with someone possibly dangerous he might enjoy this imaginary drama he was creating. "What about Sirius, Evans? What am I supposed to tell my friend, that his bird is off pulling other blokes in the middle of corridors?"

"Please don't tell him!" she said, and she looked as if she really meant it too. That didn't make much sense, but perhaps she was just trying to get into what he or she believed to be Lily's character.

"Give me a reason not to."

She fell silent.

"I'll tell you what. I'll give you an hour to think about it, during which time you will write 'I will not debase myself in corridors' as many times as you can."

"But I have class—"

"That you will miss," he finished for her. He suspected it was a she, though the fact that the imposter had been dallying with a male didn't actually prove gender either way.

James sat across from her, his large wooden desk separating them. He carefully studied her, noting how she shifted awkwardly in her seat. Minutes ticked passed and James grew increasingly tense, his muscles stiffened, his grip on his wand tightened, waiting...

Sooner rather than later, when she casually reached into her robes to pull out a flask he knew the moment had come.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Pumpkin juice."

"May I have a sip?" he asked reaching over and taking the container from her. James thought briefly how humorous it would be if he actually tried the stuff and turned into Lily himself. Oh the things he would do...

"No!" she cried trying to snatch it back. He brought his wand out and pointed it directly at her chest.

"Sit down," he commanded, turning suddenly serious. After disarming her there was no point in playing dumb and they both knew it. Her eyes were wide and she froze, forgetting to do what she was told. James sniffed the contents of the flask.

"You do know," he said. "That polyjuice potion is now _illegal_. Not just banned in Hogwarts but in all wizarding Britain?" He completely ignored the fact that he and Sirius were currently brewing their own batch at Sirius' flat.

"Please... I—"

"Why are you pretending to be Lily Evans?" he asked forcibly, grabbing her arm and shoving her against the cabinet. He'd pound the truth out of him/her if need be. After yesterday's dungeons debacle he wasn't feeling the least bit forgiving.

Tears started forming in those big green eyes he knew so well and he had to remind his heart not to be fooled. At least the imposter wasn't lashing out. The likelihood that this was a Death Eater was falling in favour of it being a scheming schoolgirl. He didn't loosen his hold though. There was still a threat.

"I thought... that if she..."

"What?" he barked. To his surprise the non-Lily put her head to his chest and started crying outright. James was disturbed by this and looked down at the bowed head with repugnance. Had he found the responsible party for the Mandrake stunt and the dungeon imprisonment? James felt that familiar rage consume him. Something he felt every time he made an arrest plus the added venom that comes from a personal vengeance.

"Was it you who tried to kill her yesterday?" he asked, his voice deceptively low and calm now, though his wand was jabbed no doubt painfully into her neck. Did this person think to get rid of the real Lily and take her place?

She looked up at him entirely surprised, eyes fading into blue, hair dulling to brown, stature shortening slightly until she wasn't Lily at all anymore, simply Alice Hart shaking her head in response to his question. James was startled; he had secretly been thinking that if it wasn't going to be a murderous Death Eater aspirant; it would be the ever persistent Victoria White, who tried only minimally to conceal her dislike of the Head Girl. Not soft spoken, soft looking, easy to forget Alice Hart.

He believed her that she didn't try to kill Lily, but he wasn't by any means pacified. If it was as innocent as using Lily's appearance to get close to the boy she wanted (if that could be considered at all innocent) it still was no excuse for using dark and illegal magicks.

"I hope you enjoyed the snog," he growled bitterly. If she were convicted of this it would be five years in the wizard prison, far away from the prospect of any kisses that weren't from dementors.

"What snog?" Lily asked from the doorway, the mask of calm concealing the boiling rage of her entire face but for her eyes. They were on fire. How long had she been standing there? He suddenly realised how bad it must have appeared.

"It's not what it looks like," he said immediately, wanting to let go of the girl, but the law officer within him wouldn't allow it. Keep her restrained.

"Oh I think it's exactly what it looks like!" she said angrily, drawing her wand and advancing. "Who's your brewer!" she demanded loudly, pointing her wand not (to his profound relief) at him but at the girl. Obviously she'd seen enough to know that polyjuice had been involved.

"I... I..."

"Don't lie to me Alice, I know you didn't brew it yourself. Who did it? Tell me!"

The girl just started crying even harder. Lily growled in severe annoyance at the lack of information.

"Take her to Dumbledore before I do something I'll regret," she said putting her wand away as if to remove the temptation of using it. Though that wouldn't prevent any accidental wandless magic, which in her current mood she looked all too capable of unleashing. James was hurrying his captive out the door when Lily said, "And leave the mirror. I want to talk to Sirius."

Seeing that James had his arms full she reached into his robes and grabbed the glass for herself, not looking at Alice. She had every right to be furious, James was angry too but he thought he detected a touch of hurt. She felt betrayed above everything. After another moment of consideration, she snatched the flask away too and, just as he had done, gave it a sniff.

He nodded, grabbing Hart by the collar and dragging her out of the room. He didn't bother to bind her, she went mutely and demurely. James had to marvel at the daftness of the girl. Not only was it wrong to use the polyjuice in the first place, but to impersonate Lily was inconceivably foolish. Not only did Lily have a very distinctive personality unlikely to be successfully mimicked, but it was dangerous to be Lily Evans. People wanted Lily Evans dead. If such a person came to Hart thinking she was the real Lily, she wouldn't have Lily's power or ingenuity to defend herself. If she had decided to do this last night, she'd be trapped in the dungeons with no one the wiser.

The moment he steered her out into the corridor he came wand to wand with Rupert Ferris, who had fire in his eyes. The expression turned slightly surprised, but the raw anger was still there.

"Alice?" he asked, disbelievingly. James espied the same traces of betrayal that had been in Lily's eyes swirling in Rupert's. They steeled soon enough, much sooner than Lily's had. _If_ they even had. James had left the office before he could find out. Ferris tore his eyes away from the girl and asked him, "Where is she?"

James jerked his head back to the classroom. "In my office talking to Sirius."

Rupert nodded, his wand was still out and pointed at his classmate. "I assume you have everything under control?"

"Yes, but come with to Dumbledore." James wasn't sure who had the right of way, so to speak. Who had first punishing power? The Headmaster or the Ministry? James knew that Albus had been more lax with punishment in the past than M.L.E. would have been in certain other cases. Either way, the boy would be witness on Lily's behalf. If James did take charge of her to escort her to London, Rupert would still be at Hogwarts to debrief Lily.

"I was planning to," he replied following James down the corridor.

At this the girl choked on a sob and started shaking her head forcefully.

It was Ferris who spoke. "I don't think you are in any position to be making requests, Hart," he said sternly. After another moment the boy, seeming unable to restrain himself despite his previous efforts, burst out, "Polyjuice, Alice? I thought you were clever. Or at least sensible! Whatever cruel prank you might have had in mind for us could you really think it worth Azkaban?" Ferris looked genuinely disappointed, sad even when his eyes went back to observe his fellow Gryffindor. His voice was just as unhappy, perhaps even a touch whiney. "Why did you do it?" There was another pause before he added. "I thought... I thought we were friends."

This succeeded in nothing but making the girl cry even more. She couldn't wipe her eyes or nose because James had a very firm grip on her arms and he held them behind her, propelling her forward.

"I didn't mean..." the girl stammered. "I didn't think I'd..."

"Get caught?" James interrupted harshly. He didn't share Lily's and Rupert's level of disappointment. Yet, he was disappointed that a Gryffindor, or any student had stooped to dark arts, but mainly he was enraged at the stupidity of using them so lightly. He didn't know the girl the way Lily and Rupert did, he wasn't her classmate, he didn't have years of memories tainted by this one incident, which had been relatively harmless, so far as he knew. No crimes had been committed outside of possession and consumption of a class two illegal potion. He was inclined to agree with Lily in her supposition that Hart hadn't brewed the stuff herself. Couldn't have. Which begged the question... 'Who did, and _how_ did they have the necessary ingredients?'

As James was in a good position to know, Polyjuice took a time to brew. Either, like him, she had been planning for a long while and had procured the ingredients before the national greenhouse and apothecary sabotage _or_ she had recently dealt with someone who had elite access to them. Right now, that either meant a corrupt hospital or ministry brewer, being first on the list to receive ingredients, or one of Voldemort's supporters, who no doubt had as much of any ingredient as they wanted. Bastards. No doubt Snape was up to his eyeballs in ingredients that the rest of Britain was dying for... literally.

And yet it was hardly as if the Dark Lord was destitute, he didn't need to sell illicit potions to make a few galleons, so why else would a dark wizard deal with a relatively innocent, if stupid, Gryffindor girl? Or was she even innocent?

Well, he was about to find out. While the idea of Legilimency made James uncomfortable (at least when directed at him) he was grateful to have the Headmaster's skills on hand. In fact, he was a bit relieved to be able to shrug the girl off onto Dumbledore for the moment. He didn't have the old man's patience or tolerance for utter idiocy and wouldn't likely be the most effective interrogator.

Out of respect for the Headmaster, James forwent binding her to her chair as he usually would have done. Manhandling a student, however worthy said student was of physical discomfort, probably wouldn't go over well with the old man.

"Caught using Polyjuice, sir," James said, feeling like he had first day out of training, running with the regulars for a few weeks doing routine M.L.E stuff. This was child's play. This twit was not what he was after. He wanted Death Eaters, or Lily's aspirant murderer, not some... some... chit of a girl with a petty motives.

"You may lower your wand now, James," Dumbledore said lightly, as though it was a suggestion, rather than the directive it truly was. James did so and the girl took a deep breath. "Now, perhaps you could tell us what happened."

"I regretted it the moment I drank it," she whispered. "When I came out of the bathroom, two 3rd years asked me for help and someone else called me 'mudblood.'"

"Who?" James interrupted angrily.

Dumbledore held up a hand. "Please, continue, Miss Hart."

The girl looked uncertainly at James before returning her gaze to her lap and continued. "I didn't know the healing spell the younger students needed so I told them to go see Madame Pomfrey. Then someone called me 'mudblood'... I don't know who, not a 7th or 6th year I think, but not too young either. Anyway it made me feel dreadful and I was turning right round to spend the next hour locked up in the bathroom until it wore off, when Rupert saw me."

She fell quiet and stole an uncertain glance and the blonde haired boy. His eyes were still cold. "I saw who I thought to be Lily crying and running for the loo so naturally I followed."

"Naturally," echoed the Headmaster. "So we are now in the girls' lavatories." He lifted his eyebrows and opened a hand to invite continuation.

Neither spoke.

"I'm more interested in how she came to have an illegal potion," said James, and it seemed to him that both young Gryffindors let out a sigh.

"Mail order." She'd answered so quickly that James barely caught it.

"What?"

"Mail order," she repeated.

James' eyebrows rose. Surely it wasn't that simple. "Explain the process _and_ how you knew about it."

"Well, I first asked the runner. He said he didn't do potions but he could give me the name of someone who did. All you had to do was owl him with the name of the brew and he'd get back to you with the answer if he could do it, and if so, for how much."

"Wait wait, the runner?"

"Leonard Wilder," provided Rupert. "He supplies alcohol for common room parties for the most part. I knew he was awfully good at just... getting stuff but I had no idea he could touch the Dark Market."

James too knew the sixth year Ravenclaw boy. Terribly bright, bit cocky but very consistent with his marks. Actually, James had always liked him. He wasn't shocked to hear about him running. They've been smuggling alcohol into Hogwarts for ages. Someone had to do it. He and the marauders had run.

Neither Dumbledore nor James commented that Ferris had been remiss as Head Boy for not calling this to the faculty's attention. Hogwarts tradition wasn't to be messed with.

"It took a long time for them to get back to me, and even longer for it to be delivered. By the time it did arrive I had... erm... cooled off I guess. It was just a stupid spur of the moment idea. But she— I thought since I'd already spent the money I'd try it, just to see."

"Drinking a potion brewed by someone you've never even met before? Are you completely daft?" James bellowed.

Her eyes welled with fresh tears and she buried her face in her hands. "I know I've been stupid. I just wanted..."

"What?"

She turned her teary stare on her housemate. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I just wanted a chance."

Ferris stared resolutely in front of him at the desk, his arms crossed tightly across his chest, concentrating hard on not colouring. "Then why did you bring _her_ into it?"

"It was a mistake."

Rupert let out the air in his lungs in a sarcastic puff. "A mistake. What was the plan? Make me hate her?"

The awkward silence that followed proved that that had indeed been the plan. This time Rupert _did_ colour, not from embarrassment but rage. Still, the boy contained himself rather well.

"I don't have time for this," James said irritably. He had a class to teach for which he was already a quarter of an hour late.

He wasn't sure he was pleased or not to see them all waiting there patiently for him. He was proud of them for not ditching, but he wouldn't have complained if he had a sudden free double.

Still annoyed at foolish schoolgirl antics, the first thing he did when he entered his classroom was to glare at White and bellow, "Out!"

Several people who didn't see that he was addressing a specific individual began worriedly putting away their things.

"Everyone sit," he commanded, then turned to Victoria. "Except you. Get out of my classroom."

Her mouth froze, hung open as little sounds of confusion or protestation escaped. "Er... I... Wha...?"

"Because I don't have time for idiotic teenage horseshit. Because I can't afford stupidity, selfishness, and unawareness. What's more I will not tolerate blatant disregard and disrespect of fellow witches and wizards."

If she was thinking of her behaviour on Monday and her pretending someone had hexed her, fine, but James intended to find out if she hadn't been keeping quiet about other's indiscretions as well.

"Did you know about it?"

"Know?"

"Were you, or were you not, aware that someone had, and intended to use, polyjuice potion?" he asked evenly.

She blanched and didn't respond.

"That's what I thought. Now get out."

To emphasise the point, the door flung itself wide open to facilitate her exit. James wondered if his temper was responsible for that bit of magic or if the castle was just being particularly helpful. It did that upon occasion.

Victoria White didn't cry or pout. She simply nodded gravely, gathered her things and left saying, "I'll go see the Headmaster, sir."

When the door closed behind her, James let out a sigh and rumpled his hair as he looked over his class again. Not seeing Lily he quickly opened the door to his office. She wasn't there. He crossed the room in three wide strides and entered his bedroom.

"Lily?"

No answer. Perhaps Sirius had come by and they'd gone off together. Though he knew better than to be optimistic, he hoped that after last night she hadn't gone off by herself. As he passed through his office again he snatched up an object off his desk and tucked it away in his robes. When he re-entered the classroom he shot Ferris an inquisitive look and received only a shrug in response. Apparently the boy had left Dumbledore's office just after he did.

"Where is that witch?" he mumbled to himself.

Either Conway in the back row was clairvoyant, or he had exceptional hearing because the boy responded.

"Lily said that she's speaking with Professor Slughorn." Conway informed him. James' eyes narrowed, not willing to trust what this boy thought 'Lily' said.

"When?" he barked unnecessarily at the child.

"Just... just before class was to start," he replied. James rolled his eyes. That could mean anytime after lunch began. Not good enough. "Where?"

"Where?"

"Where were you when she said this?" he explained with barely concealed impatience.

"Just in the classroom. She came out of your office, actually, and said she'd be with Professor Slughorn then bolted out the door."

James sighed. The real Lily then. And she'd gone off to the dungeons by herself, the very same time and the very same place she'd been attacked the day before. Perfect. Lovely. Wonderful.

"Thank you. Now let's get on with today's lesson." Actually it had been one of last week's that they'd never got around to. Sirius hadn't kept to the syllabus, and neither had he on Friday or Monday. James had insisted on doing Belevedere instead. "This next unit is about detection. How to identify objects, or even people, who have been tampered with using the dark arts. Food, owls, objects, even doorways, or perhaps especially doorways, but I'll get into that in due course.

"Now, can anyone give me an example of a magical object that can do harm but still be undetectable?" No one offered a suggestion but it was clear by their expressions that they were concentrating hard trying to find one. "Go on, take a minute to think about it. An undetectable magical object that can result in harm..."

"What about cursed jewellery?"

"Good try, but no. That's going to be one of the things we do today. Any other ideas?"

"Veritusserum?" one supplied.

"No, but that's a very good one! The most difficult to detect are those that are most commonly thought to be 'helpful' magic. Veritusserum can be tested, but it is troublesome to do, because it can't be done by wandwork. You are on the right track. Anything else?"

"How about a portkey?"

James smiled. "Explain, Mr. Angleton."

"Well, it's only a transportation spell. It's not harmful itself, but in the early 1800s there were a slew of witch kidnappings that happened that way. Beauty potions were turned into portkeys and when a witch came to buy it, they were taken right to their captors. That's why they passed that law that says all portkeys must be registered, right?"

"Just so, Mr. Angleton. Take five points. A portkey, by its very nature, is designed to be undetectable to all but the witch or wizard that created it. Of course it was created with the statute of secrecy in mind, but, as Angleton has already pointed out, it can be used for dark intent as well. Now that we have the big exception out of the way let's move on to what Meadowes brought u—" James stopped. Rupert's hand was raised firmly in the air. "Yes, Ferris?"

"Not just portkeys," he said. "There's something else. Well, it's not exactly a spelled object. Actually, it's not an object at all but... certain magical plants. Devil's snare, or perfuming puff pods... or a mature mandrake, for example. Undetectable and one wouldn't know about it until it was already too late."

They shared a knowing look and James nodded gravely to him. "Take ten points for Gryffindor."

James rubbed the back of his neck before continuing with his lesson plan. "Alright, in general there are two ways to go about testing an object to see if it's been tampered with. To demonstrate this, I'm going to show you a few devices. First—" He pulled the small object out of his pocket. "A dark detector. I'm sure you've all seen them, heard of them. Chances are the ones you've come across are of poor quality or simply bogus to begin with. The kinds you find in most shops are probably alright for the first few days, but will wear off with time. Anything you buy from a road-side merchant most likely can't tell the difference between a hex and a sneeze."

There were a few titters around the room.

"But there are good quality detectors, such as this one. Chances are if you paid less than a purse full of galleons, it's probably false. In any case, the way a legitimate dark detector functions is, as the name implies, by detecting spells and magicks that have been declared as 'dark'; namely malevolent. A good dark detector is constantly scanning its environment. That's why so many don't last long. It's complex and difficult spellwork to maintain and most times it peters out. However, I don't expect you all to go out and spend all your gold on a quality dark detector which is why I'm going to teach you how to test objects yourself. Now there isn't an end all be all spell to pick up on harmful magicks but _Oscuram Revelio_ is the closest they come." He wrote the incantation on the board and a few people started practicing saying it before he even directed the class to do so.

"_Oscuram Revelio_," he said loudly, and indicated for them to repeat.

"_Oscuram Revelio_," they chanted back.

"Good. Now of course there are some harmful spells that aren't actually dark that _Oscuram_ won't detect. You _can_ do a general _Revelio_, but with objects that are already magical, you'd have to scan through everything and find the harmful bits yourself. We'll practice that later in the hour. Before that..." He went into his office and picked up the standing mirror and brought it back into the classroom. He lifted it up onto his desk so that everyone could see. "I want to tell you about the second way one can go about testing. Can anyone tell me what this is?"

A few people raised their hands and he called on Ferris. James was never one for impartiality.

"A foe-glass."

"Correct. Take five more for Gryffindor. Now, a foe-glass utilizes the other means of detection. It is intent sensitive. For those who don't know what a foe-glass is, it detects your enemies. See these blurry figures moving around in there? I can tell how close my enemies are by how clearly defined they are in the glass. It doesn't detect dark wizards, per se, but other people's evil intentions towards me, be they Death Eaters or angry ex-girlfriends." They all laughed as he gave them one of his best marauder smiles.

"Intent detection is much subtler, abstract, and some say more difficult. It's more often used for things like wards and foe-glasses, rather than to test individual objects." He had never been very strong with intent detection. James would never admit his weakness, not out of pride, but simply because he didn't know who his enemies might be, and he didn't want to arm them with information that could be used against him. "It doesn't work as clearly as _Oscuram Revelio_ or similar spells. It won't light up and change colours to let you know, you have to be able to feel it yourself." Deciding he might as well plagiarise Flitwick he added, "It's commonly thought that witches are more sensitive to this kind of detection, that they are more in tune, more receptive to that kind of magic. It's very advanced and won't be on your N.E.W.T., but I suggest you practice it on your own anyway. We won't practice it today, because I couldn't prepare any items for you to test, because I don't actually want to do you any harm. Instead we will focus on detecting dark spells." He summoned the box in the corner of the room and carefully opened it. It contained several everyday items, quills, ink pots, forks, goblets, hats and caps, doorknobs... things one came into contact with all the time without even thinking. He banished the collection so that there was one in front of every student.

"While the text doesn't have a section on this, it _does _provide a list of these revealing spells in the appendix. So using that list, determine if the objects I've given you are cursed, and if so, with what and try to defuse it. You may begin."

x

"But where did she get it?" Lily asked Sirius. She'd been ranting for a good three minutes as she paced the small floor space of James' office. "And what did he mean, snog?"

"I assume those to be rhetorical questions so I won't bother answering."

"Alice Hart! You remember her? What was she doing with a dark brew? She's the most innocent girl—"

"Clearly not."

"But why would she? Why would anyone want to impersonate me?"

"A death wish, perhaps?" he supplied.

Lily continued on as if he hadn't spoken. "Roo knew something was going on. He was surprised to see me on the fourth floor because he had just seen a different me on the ground floor. I told him it was an echo. An _echo_," she scoffed. "He knew and wanted me out of the way so he wouldn't confuse me with the polyjuiced me." She paused for a moment to growl angrily again. "Polyuice of all things! If it was brewed within the castle it would have had to have been started ages ago, before the crisis, because we upped security recently. If they'd gathered all their ingredients at the first, they could have bought them from most any apothecary, pricey though that would be. Except perhaps Boomslang skin, which has to be added at the very last. But the bigger apothecaries might carry that. So they _must_ have purchased before. Because if _after_ the recession, then it would have been impossible to buy them from public means and would mean they'd have taken it from our stores here, which would have taken impressive charmwork to get passed Slughorn's defences. Not impossible but definitely worrying if someone was that powerful and clever. One thing is for certain, if it was brewed in the castle recently, the final ingredients would have had to have been taken before Monday because I put my own palaclave on the remaining supplies myself and only one other soul knows that password and that's Horace."

If Sirius' lip curled slightly at the use of the Head of Slytherin's first name, Lily was too preoccupied to notice.

"And," she continued. "I went over the log he updated Saturday, and nothing was amiss. And what did he mean, snog?!" Lily growled, shaking her head in frustration as students started to enter the classroom. "I have to go to the dungeons. Thanks, Sirius."

He chuckled. "Anytime, Cariad. I'll be by later."

Lily nodded and put the mirror in her pocket before exiting the office. Going up to the student closest to her she said, "If anyone asks, I'm with Professor Slughorn," she said, and left the classroom, stepping lightly to get to the potion supply area, trying to be polite as possible to the ghosts who saluted her as she breezed by.

Slughorn had first years that hour, so she had technically lied to David Conway but she knew James would understand what she meant by the excuse. She'd inform the Potions Master when he was free and take stock for the moment.

Since she'd just reasoned her way into convincing herself that the ingredients would not have come from Hogwarts' stores, she was shocked to find that the amount of boomslang skin in store was contrary to what the inventory read. If Slughorn checked Saturday, and she'd palaclaved the room Monday then...

She yowled angrily and fired a curse, which bounced off the warded door and ricocheted off of several cauldrons to an almost musical effect.

Was it too much to assume that it was just coincidence that the boomslang went missing during the same time that the cauldrons were sabotaged? She didn't think so.

Boomslang skin wasn't used in any typical medicinal potion so it hadn't really been on her list of priority ingredients. Nor was it herbal, so she hadn't been as concerned about it because it wasn't affected by the greenhouse ingredient shortages. It was a difficult and expensive ingredient under normal circumstances, true, but considering the current times, finding dittany was just as difficult.

With furious efficiency, Lily went through all the ingredients and the logbook for which potions any and all ingredients had been recently used. She made a thorough check this time, making sure that everything that was in the inventory matched the stores and the potion's log. There were more discrepancies than just the boomslang skin but the other ingredients weren't involved in the polyjuice. She made notes of everything and after fiercely re-warding the stores, headed straight to Dumbledore's office to report her findings.

James had already left, but Alice still sat with the Headmaster and Minerva McGonagall. The two other people in the room she assumed to be Mr. and Mrs. Hart. Alice was the only person who didn't stare at her as she crossed the room to the Headmaster's desk. It had been clear that before she intruded, Minerva had been speaking to them. In a useless exercise in delicacy, Lily inclined her head to all assembled and went to kneel next to Dumbledore's chair. Despite the quick muffliato she cast, Lily whispered, "The latest inventory, sir. It doesn't match the official log in the dungeons. I've indicated the discrepancies. I can only guess what the other ingredients might be used for but I've made a list of possibilities, potions that I can think of that contain many of them." She handed over several leaves of parchment.

Dumbledore nodded and carefully stored them away in a desk drawer that seemed to have appeared (magically, how else) from in between two previously existing ones, and disappeared again the moment he shut it. Lily wondered just how much was contained in the desk and what other secrets it could possible store. Up until then it had just been a wooden barrier that separated the Headmaster from visitors, a serving table for tea cups and lemon drops. Now it was... a treasure trove.

Lily forced her mind back to the situation at hand.

"Horace doesn't know yet, he was in class so I couldn't tell him."

"I will inform him at dinner."

"Oh," she said, remembering. "Here is the potion. I don't know if there is more but I'd feel much better knowing it was destroyed. If you don't need it for evidence, I'd prefer to get rid of it myself as soon as possible."

"That depends, I do believe, on if you are pressing charges."

"Of course not," Lily replied before she even had time to properly think about it. She didn't even know exactly what the girl had done with her polyjuiced appearance as Lily. Perhaps it was foolish, but she'd known Alice for going on seven years and couldn't believe the girl capable of anything _too_ heinous. Nothing that would merit sharing a cell with murderers and Voldemort supporters in Azkaban. What's more, James had already no doubt questioned her and decided she didn't deserve to be immediately whisked away to London so it couldn't have been that bad.

"I believe the Harts will be pleased to hear it. That being the case, you may dispose the sample you have."

"Thank you, sir." She had sampled polyjuice potion only once before in her life, a long time ago. Curious as to what would happen if she attempted to turn into herself, she simply opened the container and swallowed the vile stuff in two gulps. She didn't worry about its safety, she knew it was viable, she'd seen Alice changing back herself. Nothing happened. Either she was unaffected by a brew using her own hair, or polyjuice worked by shifting what one did have to become the target person one was transforming to. Since no alterations were necessary, the polyjuice didn't change her at all. It was an interesting concept, one she'd have to do more research on later, perhaps bring up in her N.E.W.T. for some extra credit. If she were to remove one of her hairs now, keep it for 50 years and take it then, would she revert back to an 18 year old version of herself?

"Interesting," she commented to the Headmaster, whose eyes had started twinkling behind their half-moon spectacles again.

She scourgified the flask and handed it very civilly back to Alice, hoping for some reason that the girl wouldn't take that as an oblique insult when really she was just returning her property to her.

While Lily might not want to press charges, she didn't want to talk to her or, even worse, hear any apologies or any other awkward confessions. Not at that moment. Not when 'snogging' could be brought up. If it involved James, it was better she heard it from someone she wouldn't be tempted to hex. She didn't want to give herself the opportunity of exposing them by getting 'unjustly' (read jealously) angry. So in distinct un-Gryffindor-like fashion, she tucked tail and fled from the room. She wanted to growl with James over the waste of potion ingredients on pointless, personal brews. She wanted him to explain what happened. She had to tell him about the inventory and what it was missing. She wanted to curl up with him in his cloak and just... be.

She'd been so caught up in these plans that when she walked into his classroom, she was momentarily shocked to see it full of students. She just stood there for a minute blinking, watching them. They seemed so, earnest and intent. And young. By Merlin they looked so young. Concentrating so hard on their revealing spells. Such innocent and sincere efforts. Training to be able to defend themselves against the darkness that could even reach into the castle. In the end, would it be enough? What chance would they really stand against a Death Eater or the Dark Lord himself? What chance did any of them have, really? Their chances stood better than hers, no doubt...

His voice, soft and quiet though it was, snapped her out of it. "Hey."

Slightly startled, her breath caught and she turned around to look at him.

"Alright?" James asked.

She shook her head and began to rummage through her bag to withdraw another copy of the notes she'd given the Headmaster. "I've just been to the potion stores," she whispered. James had to lean in closer to hear. Her back was to the class and although she knew he was listening to her his eyes were still scanning his students as she gave him the update. She tried to push the parchment into his hand but he pushed it back.

"Not now. Go put it in my office, we'll go over it after class."

She nodded and left him to his monitoring while she tucked her notes neatly away in file number four, where it belonged, relocking the drawer when she was finished. She returned to the lesson, which had actually been one she had outlined for Sirius. James gave her an object and said, "You know what to do."

She knew after a few moments that there was nothing on her doorknob. Still, more out of a lack of anything to do she tested it for everything she could think of, even the more obscure and antiquated forms. Roo was already finished with his so he propped his cheek against his hand and lazily watched her work. There was nothing but a very old shining charm used on the brass object, cast half a century ago. When James made his way to check on their progress, carrying the box for all the objects already identified and nullified, Roo tossed his teaspoon carelessly into it. "Burning hex."

Lily held out her doorknob for him. "A very dangerous shining charm."

When he amusedly took the object from out of her hand, he exposed the ropey scar across her palm from that evil manacle the night before. He dropped the handle with a clank and clatter onto the other items before putting the box down entirely and snatching up her hand to inspect it.

"Damn! I was going to send you to the Hospital Wing last night for this."

"You healed it well enough," she assured him, taking her hand back. "No pain and it's fully functional."

"That'll scar though."

"Hospital Wing has no dittany anyway. Even Poppy couldn't do anything about scarring."

His eyes narrowed at her. "But you've removed scars simply using wand work before," he remarked pointedly, his hand gestured to his torso.

"One, there was nothing _simple_ about it, despite your prejudice that charms are inherently easier than transfiguration. And two, _this_," she said opening her palm and looking down at it with sad speculation. "On the other hand, was caused by something real."

"Magic _is_ real," James countered, brows drawn together in confusion. Rupert, who had been following the conversation, had a similar look of puzzlement. Not for the first time, Lily noted just how large the gap was between those brought up in the magical world, and those brought up in the muggle world. She sometimes forgot that it was actually the same world, geographically at least. Even the same country. How the two had become so disparate in her mind, she didn't know. In her first year she'd quite happily (and ignorantly) believed herself a member of both worlds. That she had a sort of dual citizenship. Now... well she didn't feel she properly belonged to either. It had been an unforgivable slip for her to imply that non-magical was equivalent to real, but that had been how she'd been raised.

"I meant an injury caused by a physical, material force, rather than a magical one," she corrected apologetically, hoping her gaff hadn't been overly 'mudblood,' though she suspected it had. Neither James nor Rupert seemed to have noticed, however. Sirius certainly would have picked up on it, she knew that. The elegant man would have just lifted his eyebrows and said nothing, leaving her to feel like a fool. She continued on before either wizard had the time to notice.

"Only with skin that has been magically torn can it be mended by wand. Charmwork can be reversed, even some evil spells, _if_ you know how. Like with yours from Dover, I was just reversing the magic that caused it."

"Really?" he asked interestedly. He hoisted one hip up so that he was half sitting on her desk. Crossing his arms he leaned against the wall; a position that showed he was ready to be lectured. And lecture she did, making references to the wounds inflicted by Remus (though she only said werewolf, so as not to reveal their friend's condition in front of Roo) and Fluffy, magical and physical scars that would never go away.

After a few minutes of explanation he said, "You never actually told me what you were doing. I didn't think...." He frowned again. Well, it was mostly a frown, but Lily saw bit of a hidden smile in there too as he looked up at her. "I really ought to brush up on healing, oughtn't I?"

Lily grinned back. "I'm sure Poppy would be pleased to teach you."

"So I can heal myself so she doesn't have to put up with my continued presence in the Hospital Wing? That _would_ please her."

"You know that's not it. She doesn't like to see you hurt, that's all. Despite you being a prat most of the time, she's fond of you... for some reason."

His eyes sparkled mischievously. "Defies logic, doesn't it."

"And all good sense," she added.

"_Fool_," he said lowly. By his tone and intense expression and arrogant smirk it was clear that the insult hadn't been directed at the healer. His hand found hers again.

"I know," she whispered. After a moment she shrugged. "I can't help it."

He grinned crookedly at her and her silly heart melted.

"Cht cht!" Rupert warned with a disapproving frown. James cleared his throat and let go of Lily's hand and walked away from their table to make another round of collecting deactivated objects. "You keep slipping like that they will find out... if they haven't already," Roo whispered critically.

Lily tried to unobtrusively study her classmates to read for any suspicion in their faces to absolutely no avail. Unless they were eyeing her and whispering behind their hands, she wouldn't really be able to tell.

Keeping this in mind, when the lesson was over Lily decided that she wouldn't linger in the classroom, but come back later. As Rupert meant to stay behind, she told him to meet her in her rooms for supper so he could tell her what he knew about that afternoon.

To her unutterable surprise, David Conway, one of the boys she had caught trying to skip class by feigning an eye injury, caught her hand as she passed through the doorway. She'd seen him standing there but it had never occurred to her that he'd been waiting specifically for _her_, but clearly he had. She couldn't for the life of her think of a reason why he was looking at her with such a bright expectant smile. The smile wasn't so unusual from him, he always smiled at her, but it was the look of anticipation that bewildered her, wondering what it was that she was supposed to do.

She smiled back questioningly, but removed her hand from his all the same.

"I'll carry your books," he said cheerfully. "Can I walk you back to your room?"

Lily blinked. "Erm..."

x

James watched his class trail out as Rupert Ferris left Lily at their desk and approached him.

"What can I do for you," he enquired affably.

"Er... Actually I wanted to... that is... I mean..."

James' eyebrows rose in curious surprise. The boy was nervous, genuinely nervous. He couldn't imagine what could possibly prompt such discomfiture, but was eager to learn. James scanned his classroom, mentally shoving the remaining students to hurry them out of the room. It was then he noticed the couple at the door.

Lily's confusion brought a grin to his lips. When her uncertainty turned to unease, however, James asked Rupert to wait a moment as he went to work damage control.

"Mr. Conway," he said putting firm hand on the boy's shoulder. "A word." James chuckled at the young Ravenclaw's apparent apprehension. "Don't worry, you aren't in trouble. If you'd care to join me and Mr. Ferris..."

Lily gave him a secret look, telling him that she really didn't know what was going on. He gave her an understanding smile and jerked his head towards the corridor, telling her to get herself gone, he'd see her later. She immediately ducked out and James steered the bewildered boy to his desk, where Ferris was standing, looking just as bemused.

James kept his arm around Conway's shoulder, as if conspiratorially. "Look here, Conway. What I'm about to tell you can't go any further; it's Ministry and Hogwarts business."

David nodded eagerly, not questioning why _he_ of all people would be taken into the confidence of the resident auror, only all too keen to learn the secret. James continued. "You know your potions?"

"Er... I stopped in 5th year."

"Heard of polyjuice?" James enquired.

He shook his head.

"It's an illegal brew," he began. "It allows the drinker to take on the appearance of another person."

Conway nodded for him to go on.

"Earlier today, such a person, posing as someone else, was discovered and apprehended in this castle."

Rupert frowned and crossed his arms over his chest while Conway's eyes widened. "Who?" he asked.

James smirked. "Couldn't you guess? You were there..."

It took a moment before it registered. "Oh," he said softly.

"What?" asked Ferris, annoyed, looking between Conway and himself. "What's this got to do with him?" he asked, jerking a thumb towards his classmate.

Traces of red spread from his neck and ears and David answered, "I er... That is, we..."

James laughed openly at the boys, both looking so uncomfortable. "That's right," he told him. "It wasn't Lily Evans you were with earlier. So mind you manners with the real red head, eh? She doesn't know what happened," he said amusedly, jabbing an elbow at the boy. While earlier that day the situation had been nothing but aggravating, James found he was enjoying himself now.

"You what?" asked Rupert, surprised and angered. No one bothered replying because the answer was obvious.

"You aren't to tell anyone, Conway," James warned. "I just thought you ought to know so that you can ah... _readjust_ your behaviour accordingly. I think you were confusing the real Lily Evans just now."

"Right," he mumbled, biting the inside of his cheek with a grimace.

When Conway took his leave after a bit more discussion, he turned to Rupert.

"What was it you wanted?"

"What did _he_ do?" Ferris repeated, pointing an angry finger at the door through which his classmate had just left.

"Got cosy with Alice/Lily in a public corridor. I thought you knew."

"Clearly not," said Ferris through clenched teeth.

"Then what did she do that had you so royally peeved when I saw you after lunch?"

"We... had words, that's all."

"In the girls' toilets?"

"In the girls' toilets," he confirmed. Visibly uncomfortable, Ferris quickly changed the subject. "Alice's parents came. She's going home."

"Well, expulsion was a rather lenient punishment, considering what it could have been."

"She wasn't expelled," Ferris corrected. "She just said that she'd leave Hogwarts, the Headmaster nodded, and that was that."

James nodded. "Thanks Ferris."

The Head Boy turned to go, slinging his heavy bag over his shoulder. At the door he stopped and turned back to him. "And Potter?"

"Yeh?"

"If it's all the same, I'd rather Lily not know her polyjuiced self and me had a blazing row in a toilet cubicle."

"Of course."

.

When James entered the Head Girl's room he found its owner asleep on the couch. He hated to wake her, she'd had so little sleep and it was clear by the dark smudges under her eyes that she needed the rest.

He gently shook her. "Come on, heart," he said.

She hummed and brought herself tighter into a ball, not opening her eyes.

James tried again. "Just a few minutes, Lil. We have to talk."

Even half asleep she correctly interpreted that last phrase. "'Mmmm'I'n trouble?" she mumbled drowsily.

He chuckled and kissed her nose. "A bit," he answered honestly.

She whined a little and turned her face away to bury it in the couch cushions. James, undaunted, grabbed her by the hips and pulled her bodily off the sofa, forcing her to her feet. She pouted at him. "Is this a conversation we have to have _standing_?"

"It's a conversation we have to have _conscious_," he pointed out. "If you can promise to stay awake I'll let you sit."

"You'll _let_ me sit in my own sitting room? How generous you are."

"Aren't I just?" He smiled cheekily.

Lily sighed and sat down. "What is it this time, James?"

"I've made a list, actually," he declared pulling it out.

"My, aren't we prepared."

"Wanted to make sure I got everything."

Lily snatched the parchment out of his hand and scanned it, her eyebrows rising. "You left out this afternoon and all those notes I left in your office."

"I have them here," he said, bringing them out and tossing them on the table. "But we're doing my list first."

Her eyes roamed over the list again and she frowned. "Let's start with the second one."

"I knew you'd say that. Very well, I suppose the order doesn't matter."

Second on the list was a discussion of the developments in their project to remove the map from the Ministry Research Room. He _thought_ he had thought of a way of executing the thing properly, but she shot down his plan with half a dozen annoyingly practical problems, which put him in a distinctly bad mood.

"Well at least we know the when," he said gloomily. They were back to square one as far as the method was concerned.

"Unless they change the schedule. And you can hardly keep missing your Monday afternoon lesson week after week to make sure."

A harrumph was all he gave in response.

"Did you do that recognition charm that I told you about the last time you were there?"

He groaned and rolled his eyes. "No."

"James!" she said disapprovingly. "That's the second time you've forgotten! How are we supposed to do this if we don't know what precautions they've taken?"

"I had a lot on my mind, alright?" he griped back. "It'll get done."

"Mind you do _deletrius _afterward."

"I know! Merlin, must you nag?" He rose from the couch and began to pace in front of the fire.

"Apparently so. If I don't remind you it gets forgotten," she said pointedly, crossing her arms over her chest.

James shut his eyes tightly, removed his glasses and rubbed his face with one hand. After a minute, he let out an aggravated sigh and opened his eyes again to see Lily still sitting on the couch with her head in her hands.

"I didn't mean to nag," she said quietly after a while.

Mimicking Lily, he sat down beside her and put his head in his hands as well. He rather suspected they were both staring at the empty space of carpet between their feet.

"I know you have a lot to do," she continued softly. "I _am_ sorry. I wish I could be of more help but it seems all I do is make things more difficult for you."

It was only then he realised she must have been crying. He could hear her sniffle.

He nudged her knee with his. "You _do_ help."

"_Right_," she said in a tone that would have sounded sarcastic if her voice had been steadier. "You made a list of my deficiencies that you have to take time out of your day to lecture me about," she said clutching his list in her hands. She began reading. "Number one, weakness against physical assault. Number three, foolishness at having gone off into the forest alone again. Number four, ignorance of the dangers of experimental magic." Without looking at him she handed him back the piece of parchment, waiting for him to take it. "Weakness, foolishness, and ignorance. Yes, what _helpful_ characteristics."

Giving up on him taking the list back she simply released it, letting it flutter to the floor and hiding her face again.

James honestly didn't know what to say, so he just repeated himself stupidly. "You _do_ help."

She snorted. "Certainly. I'm just a good little witch that patches up her wizard when he returns and then spreads her legs. I know that it's helpful in its way but—"

James couldn't help it. He tried not to but the chuckle came out despite his efforts. "_A good little witch_?" he asked, laughter getting louder and more out of control. "Since when have you been a good little witch?" He was doubled over at this point, pounding his thigh in mirth at the idea. He would be the first to admit that yes, he definitely liked having her in his bed at the end of the day. He also greatly appreciated the fact that she was a dab hand at the healing arts as well. But a good little witch? "Risks life and limb to retrieve a wand, puts herself in the midst of a group of Death Eaters so I could make an arrest, swims in the loch, traipses through the _forbidden _forest, down right dirty duellist, illegal animagus, lewd charms inventor and illegal magic experimenter Lily Evans.... _a good little witch?_" He had to remove his spectacles so he could wipe away the tears that were leaking out of his eyes. "You're far from being a good little witch and if you think I keep you around for your 'spread legs' think again. Don't get me wrong, you're a fantastic shag my dear, but your sexual prowess isn't enough to make me stay."

She looked up at him, affronted. "What?"

"No, indeed. I'd use my witch in every way imaginable. Not _only_ her body..." He gave her an approving once over. "To pleasure me. I'd use her mind to advise me. I'd use her sense of humour to amuse me. Her power to fortify me. Her..." He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "Her kindness to console me..."

Her eyes searched his. "So you're _using_ me?"

"_Yes_," he growled amusedly. "Every last bit of you."

"Should I feel exploited?" she asked, a smile sneaking out, transforming her downturned features.

"I only take what you give me," he defended. "And all of me is equal resource for you, so it's fair."

Grinning broadly by this time, she leaned in and kissed him briefly.

"And strictly between you and me," he told her confidentially. "I don't think you realise what an excellent resource you've got here. I mean, you don't use me _nearly_ enough."

Lily smirked. "Oh no?" she asked, climbing into his lap and unfastening the top hook of his robes.

"_Oh no_," he repeated in a reaffirming growl. He buried his hands in that glorious mane of red and pulled her face to his again. Her skilled little fingers worked away the problem of his buttons to gain access to his 'resources'. For his part, James couldn't wait until the warmer weather started and they would no longer have to deal with such troublesome things as ladies stockings.

***

"I won't ever do it again," Lily said disingenuously as regards to item number three on the list.

"_Liar_," he remarked with amused tolerance. "I suppose there is nothing left to do but resign myself to you haring off whenever you want."

The witch snuggled even closer into him but said nothing.

"Not that I'm condoning it, mind," he hurriedly added with firm disapprobation (which was slightly undermined by his fingers running slow and delicate circles on the bare skin of her back). "But do tell me when you go off on your own. No matter where that may be and no matter what the hour. Understood?"

"Will _you_?"

A niggling feeling told him _not_ to disagree with her on this point, much as his natural reaction prompted him to. He didn't, therefore, say, 'Why would _I_ have to?' but instead, "Very well." It would be well worth it if it got her to comply.

"Are you going to Horace's get-together tomorrow?"

"I do wish you wouldn't call him _Horace_," he said as he adjusted his hip so that she more comfortably rested against him. "Makes you sound chummy."

"James," she said reprovingly. "You know I actually _like_ him, don't you?"

"Yes, I know. _Why_ I'll never understand..."

"Never mind that. Are you going?"

"Why should I?"

"You went before," she pointed out.

"For the first and last time," he said firmly.

"Suit yourself. I wouldn't miss it for the world. Damocles Belby will be there," she said dreamily.

"Who?"

She frowned at his ignorance. "A brilliant potioneer." The displeasure was immediately replaced with excitement again. "I'm practically giddy, I can hardly wait for tomorrow." She pushed off his chest to get to her feet and began redressing herself. She didn't bother with her stockings or robes, only skirt and blouse, the sleeves of which she rolled up. "So, how do you intend to go about this teaching me physical defence? Are we going to fight?" She smiled prettily as she put up two fists and began bobbing up and down.

He grinned up at her. "That's the general idea," he replied, rising to his feet and getting into an offensive crouch...

x

Fixing his cufflinks, Sirius stood on the flagstone floor of the entrance hall with Remus and Peter, ignoring all the chatter around them. It was just time for the evening meal and all the students were filing in to get their suppers. Rather than wade through the mass of grimy but relatively happy looking children he simply let them pass until the path was clear. Several of the girls looked their way and giggled, just as they had done in their days at Hogwarts.

Remus smiled politely but reservedly back, and Peter was trying to affect the same sort of aloofness as Sirius was, but couldn't seem to help the pleased twitch in his cheek as he fought the smile of a stroked ego.

After ascending the staircase to the corridor in which Lily's rooms lay, they saw the blond boy, pacing back and forth in front of her portrait. He'd take a few steps in one direction, turn back around and stride back to the portal, lift his hand as if to knock, then sigh and hang his head and hand and take to pacing again. The three of them stood at the end of the hallway, watching a few repetitions of the sad performance.

"Well well well," Sirius greeted. Ferris looked up, clearly startled. "Any particular reason we are lingering outside the Head Girl's rooms?"

The boy opened his mouth, then closed it again, glaring at him. He lifted his fist to knock but Sirius just said the password and strolled in, pushing the young Head Boy aside.

A great amount of panting and grunting of both the male and female variety immediately assaulted their hearing. Unperturbed, Sirius strolled right in.

He was the only one who did so.

"Who's winning?" he called out. He couldn't actually see the couple but he knew they were there.

"James!" Lily gasped. Perhaps it was Ferris, though it could equally have been Remus, who grabbed at the back of his cloak to pull him out of the room. He batted the hand away. Just then, James and Lily tumbled into sight.

Yes, James was obviously winning for he held Lily helpless in a headlock.

"James!" Remus barked. "Let go of her! What are you doing?"

"Teaching!" their messy-haired friend replied.

"C'mon Lily! Get'em in'is gobstones!" Peter cheered.

Sirius, feeling a breeze on his neck, turned around to see the portrait hole hanging wide open. Remus and Ferris still standing in the doorway, not allowing it to swing shut.

He grabbed the younger man by the collar and unceremoniously dragged him in and simply requested Remus move by an expressive lift of the eyebrow and nod of the head. Remus stepped out of the way and Sirius pushed the portrait closed. It would not do for any passing student to witness a half-naked Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher strangling one of their classmates.

Suddenly, James' expression changed, it grew solemn, the flash of growling smile gone.

"Lily..." said the auror threateningly.

"Yes dear?"

Sirius, just to be facetious, interrupted with a grin and question to James. "What's wrong, Prongs?"

"She's got me by the—" The sentence was abruptly truncated by a yelp, but none of them really needed the last word anyway. They could mostly see, now that Lily and James were both being still, where her right hand disappeared to. He finished the sentence with an interesting euphemism. "Resources."

"Thank you Peter for the fine suggestion," said Lily sweetly, giving Wormtail the most appreciative of smiles. He beamed in return.

James on the other hand did not look pleased at all. "We agreed—"

"That I wouldn't knee or kick you. We said nothing about a little _squeeze_." James let out a manly squeak, which sent all other occupants of the room into sympathetic cringes.

Sirius doubted Lily had actually hurt him, but had merely brought the possibility into sharp relief. This notion was confirmed when James smiled, though it was a worried, cajoling sort of smile. One that says 'Come now, you don't _really_ want to do this...'

"That's all well and good, Cariad but do you think you could desist with the domestic abuse whilst you have company?"

"Rather a lot more company than I expected, too," she said smiling as she crawled away (leaving James to collapse to the floor, no longer having her beneath him) and stood, smoothing out her blouse and skirt. Her face was glowing and wild snarls of red hair stuck aesthetically to her damp cheeks and forehead. James, he noticed, still lay on the ground, refusing to get up. Now that his prized possessions weren't in immediate peril, he decided to take his ease and catch his breath. His back gleaned with perspiration too (though rather less aesthetically than his sparring partner).

"Sorry to drop in uninvited," Remus apologised.

"Nonsense, you're always welcome," she maintained, giving the werewolf his usual hug and kiss on the forehead in greeting before likewise welcoming Peter. She then smiled at her blond companion and gestured him to take a seat.

When she turned to _him_, her face lost its hostess smile. "Thank you for coming Sirius." The grin she offered him was weak, sad, and something else. The hug she gave him was both feeble and firm. She whispered, adding amusedly, "And for bringing reinforcements..."

"I've brought them under false pretences," he reported. "I thought I'd let you or Prongs relate the situation."

"I'm just as ignorant as I was this afternoon. I've been waiting for one of _them_ to explain it to me," she said, tilting her head slightly in the direction of James and Ferris.

"It's rude to whisper when there are others in the room," Peter pointed out, though he obviously didn't care.

"Forgive us, Wormtail. We were remiss. Have a drink." He conjured a glass and poured his friend a healthy amount and magicked it over to him.

"If you think you can win me over with spirits..." said Peter in mock outrage, downing it in one. "Then you'll have to pour more than that!"

Chuckling, Sirius summoned the now empty tumbler and refilled it. "Anyone else?"

"Go on, mate," James requested, holding up a finger.

"Anyone else? Cariad?"

She stepped away from him, shaking her head and perching herself on the armrest of the nearest seat. "No thank you."

He rolled his eyes at her. "You know I can't abide a teetotaller," he said reproachfully.

"I'll pass as well," Remus added, smiling at Lily, as if to show solidarity. Solidarity for what, he couldn't fathom. Sobriety? Surely nothing so repulsive.

"I'll not have anything either," Ferris piped in. "I'm Head Boy after all. Wouldn't do to get drunk on a school night, eh?"

James swaggered toward them, newly drained glass in hand. "I, however, have no such compunction. Cheers."

He downed it again, just as Peter had. "Bad day?" asked Sirius, hoping to prompt the story to come out.

"No, not bad. More amusing than anything." Remembering, he began to laugh.

"Amusing?" Lily spat, outraged. "I'd like to know what, in all of that, you found amusing!"

"It was simply surreal, that's all. I mean, I was walking down the corridor and saw her having a pash with some bloke who wasn't me."

This was met with stunned silence. They all looked at Lily who seemed more shocked than any of them. So the mysterious 'snog' was now explained.

"Why... why didn't you tell me this before?" she asked, still staggered.

"Because we were busy before. I'm telling you now."

"What did you do then?" Sirius prompted yet again, before things could get off-track.

"I knew it was polyjuice, so I took her away, made her think I just wanted a word and kept her subtly at wandpoint until the stuff wore off."

"And 'ow did you know it was an imposter?" asked Peter. While Lily looked as if she were outraged at the question, she turned to James just as curiously as the rest.

"I just said, didn't I?"

"Did you?"

"I found her having a pash in the corridor with some bloke that wasn't me," he repeated, laughing heartily again, all the other men joined him with hoots and howls of mirth, save Rupert who looked slightly shamefaced.

"And then Lily!" James continued. "When the boy tried to approach her later and she hadn't a clue what he was on about. Priceless!"

Ferris spoke up then. "Conway. Poor sod, thinking he'd finally got her only to learn he hadn't. _Everyone_ knows about his fancy for Lily."

James turned to her. "You never mentioned that before."

She shrugged. "I..." Sirius suspected that she hadn't known herself until just that moment. "David Conway?"

Both James and Ferris nodded.

"Apparently everyone has forgotten about me." Sirius had said it jokingly but truth was it bothered him. Lily wasn't his, but _they_ didn't know that. If they felt comfortable trespassing on his turf, then clearly people weren't respecting him enough. Granted, wizards have been going after taken witches for centuries, but he was Sirius Black. _No one_ touched what was his. "After all, I am supposed to be her lover and yet people are treating her as if she's fair game."

"I gave her a good telling off too for playing you false, mate."

"_Great bloody farce_," Ferris hissed under his breath.

"Thank you, Prongs. My poor honour."

"Even made her write lines," James continued. "'I will not debase myself in corridors.'"

"I remember the time I had to do that 500 times a night for a week in Flitwick's office," sighed Peter.

"It's what gave me the idea, Wormtail," James added agreeably, holding up his tumbler in a small salute.

Lily raised her hand, looking confused, uncertain, for all as if she were in a classroom and the fact that she didn't understand was more perplexing than the actual material. "So he thinks I... that we..." She trailed off, embarrassed of an action she didn't even do.

James shook his head. "Not anymore. I confided in him the truth. I don't think he'll be on to you again."

There was a moment of quiet before Lily said, "Still, don't know how I can look him in the face now. And who knows how many other people saw, and no telling how many people he told. I'll sound like a right little tart." Her sad and angered eyes looked up at him. "Sorry, Sirius. You know I'd never cheat on you, right?"

"Of course, Cariad." There was an eye roll and a snort from Ferris, which he ignored. "Still, my pride is wounded by the fact that others know you are faithless."

"Padfoot, that's hardly fair. You've been out with several women since you and Lily 'got together'," said Remus reasonably. Of course it _would_ be Remus. Sirius cleared his throat but didn't answer. It was Lily who responded. No doubt it would sound even worse coming from his own lips. The fact of the matter was he was under no obligation to be faithful to Lily. Quite the contrary.

"That's not the point, Remus," she said with amused sadness in her tones. "We've discussed this, you see. I'm just his mudblood whore."

"Language, Cariad," Sirius said automatically as James winced, Peter gaped, Ferris froze, and Remus... exploded.

"You and your damned pride!" he suddenly burst out, leaping from his chair and brandishing an accusatory finger at him. "And you," he said to Lily, almost sounding hurt. "You'd sacrifice your own image just to pander to his vanity? Not only that but you are enforcing stereotypes and practices that both of you are against! Or at least you've _said_ you're against." Remus eyed him critically.

Lily rose, walked over to him, put a hand on his shoulder and gently pushed him down into his chair again. Remus sank as if she siphoned away the strength of his anger through her fingertips. "You know Sirius treads a fine line. Yes, it has all to do with image but _nothing _to do with vanity. Barring Death Eaters themselves, I have a sort of protection, belonging to a pure blood of Sirius' standing, but he's not in danger of incurring any suspicions of being a blood traitor either this way."

Sirius sneaked a glance at James, whose eyes looked as if he could swallow Lily whole. James, though for entirely different reasons, wasn't allowed to legitimately claim her either, much as he desperately wished to.

"I don't like it, of course not, but this is the safest excuse," she said, her voice no doubt as soothing as the circles she rubbed on Remus' back.

"It's still disgusting," said Remus resignedly, then turned his eyes towards Sirius. "Sorry mate."

That was the thing about Moony, he was always quick to apologise. Of course Sirius had been offended at his insults that had been flung at him, and while he wasn't feeling all that forgiving at the moment, he pushed it aside and nodded to his friend, understandingly. He was a proud man, after all; had been his entire life. He was born that way. Or perhaps he was simply raised that way and that was just another Black legacy he'd never be able to shake.

No, he decided, it was his own character flaw, he was born with it and his pride had nothing to do with the overweening arrogance of the rest of his family. It was better that way.

Remus' next apology was to Lily for all but calling her a submissive panderer.

"It's alright," she told him, but looking over his armchair to silently ask Sirius with a simple tilt of her head, 'It _is_ alright, isn't it?'

He nodded to her, just as he had to Remus, and she went back to take her place next to Ferris only to be scooped up a moment later by James, who took her place, and settled her in his lap. They held each others' eyes for a moment, silently communicating in that way only lovers could. After a while she hung her head. "I know. But the fact of the matter is that I'm a shame to be connected with, I know that."

"We're not ashamed of you," insisted Ferris.

"Rooey, you think I don't know that your parents didn't want me to come over the holidays? It was obvious the week I was there this summer. They didn't want to be associated with me."

"That's not true," he said, though colouring with the obvious lie.

James leaned in, pushing his lips to her ear through a curtain of hair, and whispered something that the rest of them could not hear. Whatever it was, a peaceful expression crossed her face and her eyes fluttered shut as he continued murmuring to her. By the look of everyone else, they too felt an intruder to this scene, more intimate than a kiss or embrace. The low rumble of his voice stopped and she turned to him, replying equally _sotto voce_, nuzzling her nose against his face. Again, it was hard not to see the similarities between their actions and those of the animals into which they could transform.

The uneasy silence (uneasy for all but Lily and James) was ended by the lady. "I knew there was a reason all my friends were shameless," she declared, beaming at them all.

If it weren't for the boy Ferris' presence, Sirius was certain that Remus would have made some comment about how lycanthropy rates above being muggleborn in the scale of social pariahdom. Instead he skirted around his own issue and remarked, "But back to the point, if you really are a _persona non grata_ then why did someone go through the trouble to become you?"

"I don't know. Sounds like an entirely stupid idea, to me," Lily huffed.

"That's what I thought... No offence," James added hastily.

"Unless they wanted information that they thought you would tell me..." she said, frowning. "But I can't imagine Alice..."

"It wasn't information she was after," James corrected. "But a person."

"So, she was... using my body to seduce someone?" She shuddered, disgusted.

"'Old on, 'old on," Peter interjected with admirable, if uncharacteristic, logic. "That doesn't make sense. If she wanted this chappie in the corridor, why would she become you? Surely that's the exact opposite of what she'd want. That'd only promote you even more into his fancy. You'd think, if she was going to change into you at all, she'd use it to... blacken your name, as it were."

Lily meditatively tapped her fingers on her cheek for a moment, then something clicked in her head for her eyes lit up and ever so slowly turned to her blond friend beside her, who had remained suspiciously silent throughout.

It was then that everyone made the same connection. Sirius wanted to yell at the boy that blushing would only make it seem worse. Perhaps his silent command worked. Ferris did the only thing that could have saved the situation. He openly addressed the assumption that everyone but Lily had already jumped to with no trace of embarrassment or guilt. "She tried to make me hate Lily because apparently Alice thought that she was a rival for my affections... I know this because she told me as much in Dumbledore's office." He looked to James. "Just after you left."

The two men held each others gazes for a time. Sirius had known his best friend long enough to know exactly what he was thinking. He was determining whether or not Alice Hart had been right. If Ferris had coloured or looked away uncomfortably, Sirius had no doubt that James would have taken that as a sign of guilt but Ferris showed no hint of it. Whether it was true or not, it was good enough to convince James of his harmlessness.

But really, what would James be able to do even if Ferris did hold a candle for her? It wasn't as if James could separate them, or kick the boy out, or stop them from being friends. Still, it might make things a trifle awkward for the three of them. Fortunately, it didn't seem to be an issue.

"What did I do to make you hate me?" she asked quietly.

The response was even softer. "Not hate. Just... a trifle _annoyed_ is all."

An understatement if Sirius ever heard one.

"Tell me what she did."

"No." If they carried on dropping decibels each time they spoke, they wouldn't even be able to hear each other before the conversation could resolve, thought Sirius.

"_Please_," she begged desperately.

"It doesn't matter now."

"Yes it does. I want to know. I _have_ to know what she did to you. What she did with me."

At this point all the marauders were straining their ears to listen in on this hushed exchange, though all pretending not to, Remus, inspecting the bookshelf, Peter, taking a too long sip from his glass, James, who was closest, was staring intently at the fire, and Sirius, well... was staring intently at the couple speaking.

"It would only make you feel guilty for something you didn't even do. You don't need to know."

"But I _do_."

"No, you only _want_ to know."

"_Please Roo_," she whined.

Rupert took a deep breath and turned to her. "Do you trust me?"

Lily clearly knew this was a trick, but knew there was no way she could say she didn't. She couldn't look away either for Ferris had placed his hands on either cheek, forcing her to look him in the eye. "Yes, of course I do. But—"

"Then believe me. Trust me to know that that vile curiosity of yours...." he said almost affectionately though it was still mostly with annoyance. "Is the _lesser_ of two evils."

She nodded and he let go of her face, rose and made for the portrait hole. "Bit peckish. Missed supper."

"You'll come back?" Lily asked, a clear plea.

"Yeh, just going to pop down to the kitchens for a few."

The group let him leave without further questions and the earlier discussion resumed in full force, no doubt in an effort to try and ignore the previous conversation.

"The important thing isn't her motives, but her _means_. How the devil did a school girl get a class two restricted potion during a recession? And what are the brewer's resources and why does he or she have them?"

It had been a few minutes, a safe enough time, he thought, to excuse himself. He ought to have known the lady wouldn't buy it.

"Leave him alone, Sirius," Lily commanded sternly as he stood to leave.

Rolling his eyes and sounding entirely bored at the mere _idea_ of harassing the boy, he replied, "Of course."

.

"So what really happened then?" Sirius asked when he entered the kitchens a few moments later. He waved his hand, batting subservient house elves that were descending upon him out of the way.

"You expect me to enlighten _you_? I know where your loyalties lie. I'll not tell her spy anything, thank you very much," Ferris replied haughtily.

"My loyalties?" He let out a bark of laughter. "My loyalties lie solidly with _myself_." Sirius wondered how long he could keep telling himself that lie. "I think the lady deserves to have a few secrets kept from her, don't you? Seeing as she's so fond of keeping others in the dark."

Ferris smirked, though a trifle wretchedly. Sirius had suspected the boy would tell him to shove off but instead Ferris heaved a sigh and confessed that he 'behaved badly' and 'reacted poorly' to the fake Lily's machinations. "After class I told Potter that she and I quarrelled, but Lily didn't need to know about it."

"He doesn't know the details?"

"No."

"Excellent," he said, pleased. "So what _did_ she do to provoke you?"

"She told me the truth," he answered simply. "And while Lily would never actually say it herself, it doesn't make it any less..."

"I see," Sirius interrupted. He suspected the sentence was supposed to be concluded either with either 'true' or 'painful'; both of which he found displeasing.

It was very quiet for a time, the only sound came from the bustling house elves.

"She said she didn't need me," he admitted sadly, quietly, guiltily. "I _know _she doesn't. I'm not as good a student as she is, she can do magic I can't, she's more capable than me, cleverer too. I could bugger off and she'd be perfectly fine without me. That's what she told me to do. Bugger off and leave her alone. So I did."

"Merlin, don't let _her_ hear you say that."

"I won't," said the boy. Then he grumbled, "_Wouldn't want to put ideas in her head._"

Sirius ignored this last part. "Good. She'd be infuriated that you think so little of your friendship."

Ferris instantly straightened, offended by the remark. "_Little?_" he asked incredulously. "I think little of it? We're _best mates_!"

"And yet you think she doesn't need you," he pointed out. "We are speaking of the same red head, are we not? You think that you, Ferris, Rupert Ferris, her oldest friend, could just 'bugger off'? You are probably the closest thing she has to a loving family and if you imagine that she doesn't need or want you, or that your leaving wouldn't rip her heart to pieces then you are, as I always suspected, a consummate fuck-wit. Now, if you will be so kind as to leave me the hell alone, you and your obtuseness make me ill." Having to openly talk about emotions had that effect on him.

The boy had the audacity to grin, as if he enjoyed Sirius' discomfort at having to spout all that sentimental drivel. The little wretch probably did, as it happened. "Anything else make you ill? For future reference you know, so I can... avoid topics in future?"

"Avoid them my arse. I won't tell you a thing, you already have a knack for discovery when it comes to what angers me... like lingering about when _I _tell you to bugger off_._"

He withdrew his wand and flung a poorly aimed hex in the boy's direction.

x

As it happened, Lily had missed lunch as well as supper and was by this time, absolutely ravenous. The plan had been to have dinner in her room with Rupert, but that hadn't happened, so Lily, with less regret than she normally felt, asked Poppy to bring her some food. She'd already ranted for a good few minutes, giving the remaining members of the party a good rundown of her notes that she'd taken earlier that day in the dungeons, as well as one or two or her leading theories and concerns.

Now, as she happily gorged on the food before her, she let the men bounce ideas off of each other. They came up with nothing new that she hadn't already considered except a list of possible suppliers. Lily had thought that even making such a list was pointless, there were too many people out there and they knew too few. But, to her surprise, she knew two of two of the men they considered possible suspects; Damocles Belby (whom Lily suspected James added just to be facetious) and Severus Snape (Peter's addition than neither Lily nor James commented on.) She even contributed one name of her own with James prompting.

"Your potion. Who's that Ministry moppet who bought the brewing rights off you?" James asked.

"Oh. Bunsen, his name was. Barnaby Bunsen. But he was a business man. I'm not sure he did any brewing. He seemed much more concerned with cheating me out of gold than anything else."

"Anyone who works in that department has to have a least some ability," said Remus.

James interrupted eagerly. "No, that's perfect, don't you see? If he makes it his business to buy rights off Potioneers, he must know a slew of talented brewers. And a galleon grabber is more likely to distribute potions for profit. _And_ he'd have access to Ministry reserves, being a high member of that department."

"That's all well and good," she said. "But even he _is _one of the wizards involved there is _still_ no way we can find out."

James thrust his hand out to her. "Hi, we must not have met. I'm James Potter, I'm 24, love Quidditch, transfiguration, and redheads. Oh, and work in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement as _a bloody auror,_" he finished, staring her in the eyes as if she were stupid. She slapped the insulting hand away.

"Alright then, oh mighty_ bloody auror._ How do you expect to accomplish that?"

"I have access. I can get a warrant to look into it."

"If you did get a warrant to pursue a random _shot in the dark_," she began pointedly. "What do you think you'd find? A lab? Notes about potions?" She gasped dramatically. "Oh good gobstones! A Ministry brewer with a lab and potion notes!" She dropped the act. "Ministry wanks can brew whatever the hell they want, whatever level potion it is. Even if he brewed it, which he may not have even done, it wouldn't matter. The only way you can get him is if you can prove he was the one who sold it to Alice, or whoever it was who sold it to Alice. Since the name of the game is anonymity with this operation, I doubt he's keeping a nice tidy list of all his illegal transactions. If he has an iota of intelligence, he's burning the written orders he gets."

"Very well, McNagsalot. How would _you_ go about it?" he asked crossing his arms over his chest.

"Try to buy one myself."

"Buy one yourself? Is that always your solution to everything? You know what, Lily, I suspect that the Prophet was right about you. You secretly get off on buying illegal potions! As you said, the channels are anonymous, there are obviously precautions taken to make them and any of their owls untraceable. So how do you think just buying one will get you any closer to him?"

"Fine, you don't think it will work, go ahead and get your warrant, monseiur big-shot auror. You do it your way and I'll do it mine."

"I'm not going to let you buy an illegal potion..." He paused, cleared his throat, and added a bit lamely, _"Again._"

"I won't actually go through with it."

James raised his eyebrows sceptically, then, for the second time that even, shoved his hand out to her. "Fine. May the best wizard win."

x

Lily accepted the challenge, and his outstretched hand. The moment they let go she cackled triumphantly and bounded off the couch to the other side of the room to the desk, bottom drawer.

"Oh no..." James moaned, knowing that he'd already lost. That was where she kept her plans for her numerous unfinished projects, several of which were potions she'd created herself but hadn't perfected or finalised, or just hadn't decided to turn them in to the Ministry.

"What is it, mate?" Peter asked solicitously.

"She got me, the little witch." He growled it out, yet somehow he couldn't bring himself to be angry with her. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more impossible it seemed to be to keep a smile from overtaking his face. He gave up the struggle eventually when Lily let out a whoop of victory, no doubt finding a suitable concoction. She turned to him, beaming, waved the parchment in his direction before putting it back safely in the drawer, locking it, and jumping right into his lap again as if they hadn't been quarrelling. And they hadn't been, really. Just a spot of friendly (un)professional rivalry.

"Well done, heart," he congratulated, almost entirely genuine. There was the faint sting of defeat, but he pushed it aside and kissed her instead.

"I think I've missed something," Remus said.

"If she is planning to do what I think she is, then she will most likely visit Slughorn tomorrow, at his little gathering no doubt," he said disapprovingly. "And mention that she has another potion she'd like to show our Master Bunsen. Would you like to continue?" he asked her.

"Oh no, do go on, you're doing splendidly."

"Alright. Meanwhile, she will have already talked to the runner, I'm assuming, to ask to be put in touch with whoever his link to the potion dealer is so she knows how to send the owl."

"Actually I was going to get another student to do it," Lily put in. "Couldn't do it myself. I _am_ Head Girl after all."

"Quite," James agreed. "Once she knows how to place the order, she will ask for a potion that..." He faltered, and looked at her.

"No, not yet. Let's just say it's something that should someone need it, would want it quickly."

He gave her a '_we'll discuss this later'_ look and carried on. "She'll ask for a potion that that would serve some such purpose. At roughly the same time, Lily will inform Bunsen of her latest creation. He will send back a reply to the potential buyer he has a brew that will help him and—"

"But it hasn't even been accepted or patented yet," Remus pointed out. "It would take months for it to be tested and approved."

"I know that, and that's what makes the whole thing possible. It _won't _be patented, so only he will know about it and can brew it on the sly and sell it for the no doubt ridiculous sum the buyer is claiming to be willing to pay to have it immediately sent."

"Why immediately?" asked Peter.

"Not only to be in keeping with whatever emergency malady this brew is for, but also because the more time passes, the more people can find out about it. If they receive the request the same day he finds such a brew exists, then Bunsen would be the only possible person it could be if she receives a response back that it can be done."

Remus and Peter sat staring at the pair of them, impressed. Impressed that Lily was capable of creating the scheme, and impressed that James had immediately figured it all out. At least, he assumed he had it all figured out. It seemed pretty straight forward once he knew how the scheme was started, which he did.

"Have I got it right, love?" he asked confidently.

She grinned up at him. "You know something, you're pretty clever... for an auror."

"Oi!"

"Oh, I beg your pardon. For a _bloody auror._"

Laughter prevailed, mainly because he was punishing her by tickling.

"Alright, alright!" she pleaded, her face flushed and a tear of mirth falling down her cheek. He finally relented and she settled back against him comfortably. "But really, how _did_ you know about the potion patenting process?" she asked curiously.

"Sirius. He thought I ought to know the particulars of your contract if..." He stopped, embarrassed.

Lily frowned. "If what?"

For some reason, in the presence of Remus and Peter, he didn't feel comfortable saying 'if we get married soon,' particularly since he hadn't proposed nor had they discussed any sort of time frame for that little event. When that occurred, her small brewing business and bank vault and his family's investments and Gringots account would combine and... well... He agreed with Sirius, it was just something he would need to be aware of.

He cleared his throat. "In case you ever wanted to discuss it with me," he finished pathetically. "I mean, it's important to you, right?"

Ah, that was a winner, clearly the right answer. She glowed with pleasure and hugged him tightly round the middle, praising him for being so wonderful.

Now that he thought about it, it made his original reason sound shameful; an economical consideration rather than simply the desire to support her interests. Still, he ought to mention it to her soon anyway. James felt for the pouch Lily had given him for Christmas, knowing what he had stowed away in there for her. Perhaps Saturday evening, after Hogsmeade...

x

"Welcome back!" she greeted happily when she saw her best friend return. "Where's Sirius?"

"Should I know?" he asked.

"Oh. He left, and I thought he might be after you. I told him to leave you alone but I didn't think he'd actually do it."

"Unfortunately I don't think it has anything to do with his obedience of your orders as much as it does with his desire of avoiding me if and whenever possible. A feeling which is entirely mutual."

"Oh tosh," she said. "You know you like each other."

"I can assure you, Cariad, that is categorically untrue." Sirius, who had just entered, turned to Roo. "I see you've made it back alive. Pity."

"There _was_ an attempt. Luckily for me the tosser had terrible aim," Roo replied.

Sirius snorted but didn't sit down. Instead he began inspecting the room, generally at first but as his brows drew down it intensified, and he began looking under armchairs, the sofa, in the little nooks and crannies of the room. He found James' list on the floor, read it, frowned and without giving the matter anymore thought, promptly fed it to the fire. He briefly eyed James and muttered '_condescending prat.'_ This warmed her heart and she tried to smile her appreciation but she couldn't meet Sirius' eyes, for they had retaken the business of searching.

"Sirius, whatever are you looking for?" she asked.

"Where's Jarvey?" he answered with a question of his own.

Lily sighed sadly. "Hagrid took him back to his family, he grew strong enough to go home."

"Oh." Sirius looked almost crestfallen, but he shrugged as if unaffected. "Finally rid of the little bugger."

Whatever he might have said otherwise, she knew that Sirius had been very fond of the baby jarvey. Lily felt a pang of sympathy for him. She still missed Mercury, when the sun rose, set, and when midnight struck.

"So what did I miss?" enquired Roo, getting the conversation back on track. "Any headway?"

"Not much," Lily said shrugging. "So far we've made a small but unlikely list of possible people who might have the capability of trafficking potions, and so far only able to test one of them."

Still, they related the main bits of what they had gone over.

"Not bad," Sirius complimented.

Lily was about to thank him but James beat her to it.

"Why thank you, Padfoot. I am rather proud of it."

She blinked at him for a moment. "Well I'm glad _you _thought of it," she said sarcastically.

"I _did_ think of it... after I got the idea to use one of your concoctions."

"_I_ gave you that idea and _I_ thought of it first."

"You should have spoken up, then," he countered. "Wormtail, Moony, who was it that explained the plan?"

They both reported that it had been James and he shot her a triumphant look.

Her mouth dropped in outrage. "Wha— I... Why you little—!"

Before she had the opportunity of finishing that promising sentence, Roo diplomatically interrupted, steering the conversation back to where it should have been. "Right, let's make a timeline then, shall we? How long does it take to brew it anyway?

All four marauders fell instantly silent. Roo noticed their obvious lack of response and turned to his reliable potion encyclopaedia. "Well you've brewed it, haven't you Lily?

Eyebrows rose as inquisitive expressions rested on the redhead.

"A long time ago," she admitted quietly.

That memory was a bittersweet one. Before she had even started Hogwarts she had the advantage that, to her knowledge, no other muggleborn had. She had magical instruction. Potions, mostly, Severus had said it wasn't safe for her to be flying (actually flying) out of swings, however much fun it was. In fact, he'd scolded her rather severely when she'd been caught doing it after his first warning. Flying aside, she could do other little things, like making the flowers dance, or her vegetables disappear, but her first real magical _instruction_ had been in potions.

_She was just too short. She'd wanted to swing the birch, just as Severus could do. She'd asked him if there was a potion that could make her grow tall enough to reach the branch. _

'_Not a reversible one,' he replied, amused. _

'_I don't mind!' she insisted eagerly. 'I wouldn't mind being tall! I wanna grow up!'_

_Severus chuckled at her. 'You won't always think so, Lil Bit."_

"_Stop calling me Lil Bit!"_

It was, of course, certainly a bad idea to give an eleven year old a bottle of Skelegrow so she could be six feet tall just to reach a tree branch. Lily would have been a freak when she went back to school, suddenly taller than everyone her age and even the seventh years. But Severus had thought to polyjuice her, lending her his six foot height for an hour, just so she could swing the birch.

Looking back, she could see that his indulging her was also a very very sad sign of desperation and loneliness. What normal 17 year old would willingly spend time with a child of eleven? Lily had never questioned it at the time, he was just Severus. He was just there, and always had been, so far as she could remember. Since she was a child, Severus had come over, done chores for her parents for a pittance (his chief task being keeping Lily out of trouble), just so he could escape his own house. It wasn't until he was 13 and Lily was seven or so, and had first shown signs of magic, that Severus' behaviour had changed from dour, though dutiful, baby-sitter to intense and interested friend. He had pounced on Lily as a starving man would a loaf of bread. Except, he hadn't been desperate for food but for magic.

Severus had hated muggles, hated his muggle father and that he was forced to live like a muggle in summer. Although her family was non-magical as well, she supposed it was better spending time in her home than in his own, so he had grudgingly accepted his position in the Evans household.

Then he learned that she was a witch. Lily wondered how other muggleborns' families dealt with the sudden outbursts of magic that they couldn't understand or explain. McGonagall had told her that most muggleborns never make it to Hogwarts, that they or their families are afraid and reluctant to nourish this gift. Luckily Severus had been there to put her parents' minds at ease. Instead of fearing her, they were incredibly proud and curious.

Severus himself suddenly had someone he could share his life with, someone with whom he could share his magical life but also understood his muggle one, for he and his mother weren't even allowed to do magic in the house. She didn't realise at the time, of course, but he had also found someone who looked up to him, saw him as something to be admired, rather than teased, mocked and humiliated.

After that Severus did nothing but talk magic.

Looking back Lily didn't doubt that Severus had had his own reasons for brewing polyjuice, perhaps even dark reasons, Death Eater reasons, but he had included Lily in all his brewing and experiments, simply because he wanted to have someone with whom he could share it. His passion. He was so clever, so... so genius, but had no one to appreciate it.

No one but Lily.

And later, Voldemort. An incredibly powerful wizard who could give Severus more scope and reward for his abilities than she ever could.

It was sad, thinking about it now. How pathetic, how desperate must such a promising and gifted a young man be, to have to stoop to spending time with a little muggleborn girl six years his junior to feel appreciated. Despite his brilliance in Potions, not even Slughorn had given him his proper due.

He had always been respectful if a bit cold to her parents, and to Petunia as well until he'd learnt Lily was a witch. Lily instantly became his favourite. He hadn't liked Petunia after that, and Petunia hadn't liked him. He'd say she was naught but a muggle and she'd say he was nothing but a freak. They had only once, to her memory, cooperated, and that was when Lily had got in the way of some experimental magic of Severus'. The early stages of _sectumsempra_ as it so happened. He had healed her wounds as best he could but didn't have the time to make a blood replenishing potion that Lily desperately needed, so he had asked Petunia's help in making the only other potion that would work, an ancient brew that counteracted dark magic that didn't take any time at all to prepare. Horrified at the prospect, but even more terrified for her sister, Petunia agreed to give Severus some of her blood...

"Second year, wasn't it?" Roo's question startled her out of her reverie.

"What were you doing brewing polyjuice that long ago, eh?" James asked, not censoriously, as she had thought the auror would be, but proudly, as a marauder couldn't help but be.

"Ha!" Rupert burst out sarcastically. "It's a miracle she made Head Girl despite her marks, I say. The amount of trouble she got into. You didn't know her before she became _responsible_." Sirius and James smiled affectionately and wistfully.

"Oh but _I_ remember well enough," Remus said. "Your hair was much curlier and you had freckles all over your face. Can't count the number of times I took you to the Hospital Wing for some failed magic attempt." He chuckled at the memories.

"Oh please, if it was over ten times I would be _very _surprised," she stated haughtily. "And you!" she said, turning back on Roo. "I _never_ got in trouble, you liar. My first ever detention was this year!" She looked at James. "And that doesn't even count, really."

"There's a difference between getting _in_ trouble and getting _into_ trouble." Ferris clarified. "They," he said, pointing at the four older men in the room, "got _in_ trouble. _You_." He poked her in the chest, just above where her necklace hung. "Got _into_ trouble."

"Still does," James pointed out. "And speaking of..." Lily didn't like his tone at all. "There is one small matter we have yet to discuss, Miss Evans."

"Uh oh..." not just Lily, but _everyone_ said, probably in sympathy. She had just been 'Miss Evans'ed after all.

"Sounds like somebody's _in_ trouble, now."

"Well spotted, Wormtail," James praised. "Just because Sirius burnt the list..." at this, he gave a pointed look to his friend in question, "doesn't mean you are getting out of this discussion. Dumbledore or McGonagall ought to have already done it ages ago."

He paused for what Lily could only assume was dramatic effect.

"Lads. It's about time we gave Lily 'the talk'."

Sirius leaned over to James and stage whispered, "I think she already knows, mate."

"About wands and sheathes?" supplied Peter.

"Ladles and cauldrons?" added Roo.

"You know, muggles say 'the birds and the bees'," Lily pointed out.

"Birds and bees? What've they got to do with anything?" asked Sirius.

Lily opened her mouth to respond then froze. "You know what... I have _no_ idea," she said, surprised at her own ignorance. What _did _they have to do with it?

"The _other_ talk," James growled exasperatedly. "Experimental magic. No one has ever sat the girl down and spelled things out to her."

"James, this really isn't—"

"Silence! You will listen and you will hear. We all got the talk, it's high time you did."

"I think it's too late, Prongs," Sirius opined.

"I was afraid of that, but I'm still going to try. It's the principle of the thing."

"Go ahead, but I'll take no part in this. I always thought that lack of experimentation stifles creativity."

"Fine, stay quiet. Moony'll help. Won't you, Moony? Though why you didn't do it when she was a first year, I don't know. If she was a much of a terror as you say she was."

"You thought I was a terror?" Lily interjected, hurt.

"His words, not mine," Remus reassured.

"Enough! The bottom line is that you shouldn't experiment with magic like the way you did with those wards you mentioned the other day. Being too creative can be dangerous."

"Ministry Spell Developers do it all the time," she argued.

"Yeh, and I don't know if you've seen any of the experimental charms lot, but they are the weirdest looking blokes around. Occupational hazzard. Saving aurors and... and Unspeakables, the experimental magic department has the highest death rate." Lily forced herself not to reach for his hand comfortingly. His father had died being an Unspeakable, and being an auror, James' own chances weren't stellar.

"Exploring magic is just the pursuit of knowledge. There's nothing wrong with just wanting to _know_ how far you can go."

"Nothing wrong with it? Exposure and experimentation with unknown magicks isn't dangerous? Tell me what do you think Dark Wizards do, hmm? Why do you think they turn to Dark Magic? How do you imagine wizards are seduced into the Dark Arts?"

Lily thought of her blood magic. No, that wasn't dark, she didn't care what convention said. And James was wrong; knowledge on its own couldn't be evil. Just like magic or any force able to be wielded, it was only as dangerous or beneficial as the person's will who applied it.

But clearly that wasn't an argument that would fly well with a Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher who had very set ideas of 'good' and 'bad' magic. "So you are saying that experimenting with protective wards is a gate-way hobby that will lead me down the path to Death Eater-hood?" she asked sarcastically.

"Well, I doubt _you_ would become a Death-Eater but people in general—"

"Then why don't you save your lecture for 'people in general'?" Lily countered.

James groaned. "Help me out here, Remus, would you? She just refuses to listen to me," he said, then grumbled, "Out of habit, I suppose."

Remus smiled kindly and cleared his throat. His voice as he spoke was gentle and down-to-earth. "I think what James is trying to say is that you could get very hurt, experimenting on your own. That while your intentions may be good, you might accidentally harm yourself and others in your efforts. Things like that happen all the time."

She bowed her head in false compliance. "I understand," she said.

They all sighed in relief, save Sirius who seemed to sigh more in disappointment, as if he'd lost an argument in which he hadn't even been participating. She gave him a mischievous smile and a wink to reassure him. He didn't actually smile, because that would have been too obvious, but one brow quirked up minutely and his eyes shifted in amusement and approval.

"_Do they all know about your doe form?_" Roo whispered in her ear. "_I'd imagine that would rank pretty high on Potter's list of 'dangerous magic'._"

That gave Lily and idea and she replied loudly, giving Sirius a meaningful look, "Oh yes, they know about that."

"Know about what?" Sirius enquired faithfully. She knew she could count on him.

Roo, of course, didn't want to get Lily in trouble but that's exactly what she was going for so she could show the mighty James sodding Potter what an utter hypocrite he was. "About my being an animagus," she explained. "And yes, I suppose it _was_ rather dangerous." She glared at James, daring him to comment.

"Not as dangerous as the time Prongs splinched himself when he tried to apparate when he was 13."

"Don't tell her that!" James said angrily.

Sirius, still stretched comfortably across his armchair, shrugged unconcernedly but when James turned his back, returned the wink Lily had given him earlier.

She grinned, knowing she always had an ally in Sirius.

"But he's right, Cariad. Animagi transformation _is_ quite hazardous. Any number of things can go wrong, can't they, Prongs?"

"Not another word, Padfoot."

Sensing a deliciously embarrassing story, Lily asked, "What?"

Roo, who didn't know the others were animagi as well and had no idea what was going on asked "What?" at the same time as Lily, but sounding entirely confused.

"Well...." Sirius threatened to begin.

"Shut it you mangy mutt," James warned again.

"Mangy?" If there was a way to offend Sirius it _would _be to insult his hair. "Prongs, you wound me."

Sirius, as he rose from his seat simultaneously and seamlessly transformed into a large lovable black dog that sat itself right in front of James giving him puppy eyes.

There was an unnatural squawk of protest that didn't sound remotely human. Confused as to the source, Lily looked around to see Roo, staring aghast at the vision in front of him.

"You!" he shouted angrily at Snuffles. "It was you! I ought to have known it was you! You and that bloody beast have the exact same bloody...." Roo shuddered to a halt, clearly too outraged to come up with the appropriate insults. The great hound growled and snapped menacingly.

"Aww... be nice," she cooed, stroking the beast behind the ears. Instantly pacified, he turned off in the direction of Peter, who was still standing, and put his nose into his behind, giving a loud sniff.

"Woah!" said Peter, who jerked away, putting his posterior to the wall. "Sorry mate, you're not my type."

Lily abandoned her seat by James to sit in the middle of the floor and clapped, reaching her hands out to the over-large pooch. He padded doggedly over to her and she wrapped her arms around his enormous neck, scratching him down his back and along his ribs. His back leg began to kick automatically as she hit just the right spot.

"This is the only time I ever get to play with your hair," she complained. Leaning back, she lay down on the carpet for Snuffles to lie next to her so she could cuddle against him and use him as a pillow. Instead, he once again plopped down right on top of her chest, his massive head resting on crossed paws ... Using _her_ for a pillow.

"Oi!" James said, kicking his canine friend in the ribs. "Get your paws off of her."

Growl chuckling, Snuffles made to lunge at James but Lily pounced before he could reach him. Distracted, he turned on her and began a vicious barrage of licks to her face. She squealed and tried to crawl away but she was much clumsier on all fours than her pursuer. Soon she was on her back, kicking and screaming about his unfair advantage.

"Come on and face me like a man!" she challenged, though sputtering between licks. "Then you can't use your tongue to overcome me."

He turned back into Sirius, though still on all fours crouching over her and grinning madly. "Oh I don't know about that, Cariad," he growled.

Despite him being human, James kicked him in the ribs again, a blow which proved more effective the second time around. Sirius wheezed in pain.

Lily took this opportunity to tackle him to the ground and begin ruthlessly tickling him.

"Lily!" James shouted over them disapprovingly. "What did we practice? That won't work on an attacker!"

"Good thing it's Sirius, then!" she shouted back, before squealing with laughter at Sirius' latest move. Lily elbowed him hard in the ribs in retaliation.

"Cobbing!" Sirius cried. "Foul! I cry a foul! The lady for excessive use of elbows!"

"Yellow card!" cried Peter.

"Do it again!" called Roo.

She really did try to practice what James had taught her earlier, but Sirius was simply too big and too strong and quickly overpowered her.

"Give up?" he panted from atop her back. He had one arm pinned at an awkward angle behind her while she lay flat on her face.

Groaning, she relaxed into the carpet and admitted defeat. The weight on top of her vanished and she rolled over to catch her breath. She took Sirius' proffered hand and stood, balancing herself a bit dizzily and smoothing down her skirt. When she looked up James was glowering at them both.

"I suppose I need more practice," she said hesitantly.

James huffed. "Next time just knee him in the bollocks and be done with it," he said shortly.

She began scooting back towards the portrait hole. "Right. Well, Poppy'll be expecting me so I'll just..." _Be running away now._ She'd almost made it to her escape but was brought to a halt by a clipped command.

"Cloak," James said, eyes closed in exasperation.

"Right." She back scuttled towards where it had been draped over the couch, and consequently where her angry lover stood. It seemed that James' emotions had been all over the place that afternoon. Lily thought with a touch of humour that that should be _her_ job. Once completely concealed she tentatively hugged him from behind. "Considering where I was this time yesterday, I'm glad we have the chance for you to be angry like this with me today," she whispered. He couldn't see her grin, but she hoped he could hear it in her voice. Deciding not to push her luck by trying to warm him over, she settled for just the reminder and pulled away. He'd cool down by the time she was out of the Hospital Wing in any case. Lately they had been arguing more, a trend Lily didn't particularly like. But their quarrels didn't last long. She was incapable of staying cross with him for any length of time.

She suddenly felt a hand squeeze her left breast and she shrieked in surprised alarm. She realised almost immediately that it was only James blindly groping after her, reaching to pull her back, but not before she made a fool of herself with her reaction.

James chuckled at his accidental success, and repeated the gesture probably in an attempt to garner another humorous squeak from her, but she refused to comply. She simply slapped his hand away, which just wasn't the same when done through the invisibility cloak. Still, she was thankful that it concealed her ridiculous smile. She didn't want to encourage that kind of behaviour. Not in public at any rate.

She cleared her throat and turned to face him, putting her hands on his chest so he knew where she was. She recalled the first time he'd ever asked to do that, in his office months ago and smiled even more broadly at the memory. "Did you want something, Potter?" she asked politely.

His grin grew more mischievous as his hands, after having found her shoulders, trailed down to her waist. He shook his head. "No, I found what I wanted, I think." He wriggled his eyebrows at her á la Sirius. He didn't quite pull it off, as he was looking slightly to her left. She chuckled all the same.

She moved in closer, pressing herself against him and stood on tip toe so she could whisper in his ear. "We'll have to pool our resources later."

He growled appreciatively, gave her hips a squeeze and let her go. "Send word when you're finished. I'll drop by to pick you up."

"Aye aye, sir. Night boys!" she called, waving.

"G'night," they replied, though they couldn't see her they waved in her general direction.

"And get Poppy to look at that hand!"

She descended the staircase on silent feet and crossed the main entrance hall which was empty but for one person, standing conspicuously right in the centre of the room. Professor Dippet tapped her foot and crossed her arms, checking the time.

Lily cringed. _Oops_. Jumping back onto the staircase so her actions wouldn't catch the Muggle Studies Teacher's attention, she sent her patronus to James with the whispered reminder, '_Patrol time_._'_ She carried on to the Hospital Wing after that, though just before she entered she heard the sound of James apologising for his tardiness.

x

For old time's sake, he, Sirius and Peter took one of the secret passages out of the castle, rather than simply stroll to Hogsmeade. For some reason Remus felt uneasy and he couldn't quite pin down why. His friends seemed to be in tolerably good moods, despite the ups and downs of the evening and yet something persisted to niggle in the back of his mind.

His unease intensified exponentially when they entered the Hogshead for a drink, which, for consistency's sake, he declined. That was the trouble, well_ one_ of the troubles of being a werewolf; heightened animal senses but a human brain that didn't always know how to interpret the signals.

"Prongs was a bit uptight tonight, don't you think?" Peter commented.

"No, he's just sore because I sided against him on the 'experimental magic' debate," Sirius assured. Remus could believe that. While Sirius always took James' side, he was still the reckless, adventurous type. Since James had found a new sense of responsibility (Remus suspected it had less to do with his profession as an auror and a bit more to do with his protective instincts over a certain young witch) the messy haired marauder had been less daring in his pursuits. Sirius, on the other hand, had only grown worse since their school days. Dangerous magical experiments would of course appeal to him, especially as he didn't have a dangerous profession like James' to divert him.

Remus could understand James' ire in his best friend encouraging Lily in those kinds of capers. He too, was concerned for the girl, but for slightly different reasons.

"Well, you shouldn't have, really," Remus put in, trying to do right by James as he wasn't there to do it himself. "Lily doesn't need any encouragement but she does need a voice of caution."

"Bah!" Sirius exclaimed emphatically. "She knows what she's getting into."

"You can't possibly know that. That's the thing with experimental magic; one _doesn't_ know what one is getting into until already thoroughly mucked up in it."

"I thought the discussion ended in the castle," Sirius complained. Knowing that there was no point in arguing with the man anyway, he gave up and let Sirius changed the subject. "You know someone tried to kill her again yesterday?" he remarked casually.

"What?" Peter and Remus asked in incredulous unity.

"Locked her away in some unknown dungeon with no light or sound. Said that for hours she thought she'd gone blind and deaf."

"By whom?" Remus asked angrily.

"Dunno. Little Red figured a way out in the end, though, obviously." Sirius shrugged again, something that annoyed Remus more and more each time he witnessed the gesture. Who did he think he was fooling, acting so nonchalant? What was the point in acting like he didn't care?

"That's lucky," replied Remus with offensive sarcasm. "You still have your mudblood whore," he spat.

The other two at the table tensed. "I thought we went over this," said Sirius with false patience.

"It's wrong and you know it," he snarled.

"She made her decision. She knows what she's getting into."

"Stop saying that! What could she possibly know besides that she's ruining her reputation?"

"What reputation?" Sirius countered.

"What about her pride?"

"What about it? She's not complaining."

"You honestly think this is best? That she's publicly caving? That she's lowering herself like this?"

"So it's low to be sleeping with me, is it?" Sirius bit out, crossing his arms over his chest.

Remus rolled his eyes and stood to go. Clearly this conversation was pointless. Sirius simply couldn't see reason. Grabbing his cloak from the back of his chair, he strode towards the door.

"No doubt off to the Hospital Wing to check on his cub," he heard Sirius sneer. After more than a decade of friendship, he doubted his friends knew how much he could actually hear. Not that it mattered, Sirius would have said as much to his face, perhaps even meant for himself to be overheard.

The door was already closed behind him but he could hear Sirius' bellowing laughter. No doubt Peter had come up with something amusing to lighten the mood at the now two person table.

As it so happened, he _was_ going back to the castle. He wanted the full story on what had happened the night before.

She was surprised to see him when he strolled in, as was Poppy Pomfrey. Despite his bad mood, he couldn't help but smile at seeing the old greying healer. How many times had she kindly walked him out to the Whomping Willow, and patched him back together afterwards?

"Remus Lupin!" Pomfrey greeted him with a hug and a thorough inspection. She did that when she'd seen him at Christmas too. She gave a familiar 'cluck' of disapproval, commenting on how he was too skinny.

"Naturally high metabolism," he said, as he always did which made Pomfrey smile sadly at him.

"What are you doing here, Remus?" Lily asked pleasantly. "Not feeling ill, I hope."

"Not at all. Just wondering what Sirius was on about when he said you were imprisoned last night..."

"Oh, that... Erm... let me see to Valentine over there and I'll get back to you." She walked over to a bed (they were all of them full and most of the occupants were staring at him) to a child with wavy brown hair and brown eyes. "Right then Ambrose..."

When Lily came back and told him the story, Remus wondered as he walked off the grounds that if that afternoon's Polyjuicer _was_ unrelated after all. Convenient, wouldn't it be, that the real Lily Evans should go missing and then the next day a replacement appears? Might it not be a coincidence? But Lily, James, and Rupert Ferris all seemed to believe the girl incapable of it.

He hadn't realised he had stopped and was, in fact, staring at the Shrieking Shack as he pondered. Jolted at the discovery of where his footsteps naturally led him, he backed away, then turned around entirely putting it behind him. He'd lingered outside the Hogshead, wondering if Peter and Sirius were still inside, and would he join them if they were. After peeking and finding they weren't there, Remus decided to go across the lane to the Three Broomsticks instead. He didn't feeling like turning in just yet, and while he wouldn't have to spend his precious few sickles for drink at Sirius' place, he wasn't ready to face the man yet.

"Well well, if it isn't Remus Lupin," Rosmerta greeted him. She was all curves, rosy cheeks and smiles. Despite the fact that he knew she greeted most of her clients in a friendly, flirtatious way, he couldn't help grinning.

"Good evening, Madam. Score us a pint?"

"Just the one then, love?"

"Just the one," he confirmed, taking an empty stool in front of her.

"Where's Sirius got to?" she asked as she drew his ale.

"He was just over at the Head, but now he's gone back home to get his beauty sleep." Actually Remus doubted it was beauty sleep Sirius had returned to claim. Every night, he could hear his friend pacing in his room above at all hours. This had been going on for a while now. For someone who used to be very particular about getting enough sleep, Sirius didn't seem to be doing much of it, or any at all so far as Remus could tell.

"He went there instead of here? I'm slighted." She smiled, but Remus could hear the actual hurt underlying the jest. Whether by 'there' she meant the Hogshead for a drink, or home to sleep, he didn't know. However Remus _was_ aware that Rosmerta was one of the few women that Sirius visited... well faithfully certainly wasn't the word, and consistently didn't suit either, but repeatedly, at least.

Rosmerta leaned over the bar to hand him his drink, providing him with a rather pleasant view of her ample bosom, gratis.

"Cheers," he said, lifting his glass to her, seeing as his had nothing to toast other than his lovely lady host.

.

It was a while later that he walked (stumbled) back to the London flat later that night, fully prepared to hash things out with Sirius once and for all. His plans vanished from his mind when the first thing he heard upon entering was the desperate shouting coming from upstairs. Springing to action he took the steps three at a time.

"Sirius!" he shouted, coming to a reluctant stop at the locked door.

The shouting continued.

Remus fumbled for his wand and blasted the door off its hinges in efforts to get inside.

He found Sirius alone, thrashing around in bed. Remus was reminded of Lily, the second time she'd come back from Dover. Remus shook his friend, but like Lily, he didn't wake. In fact, nothing he did produced any result. It was only after a minute or so of various unsuccessful attempts that he saw it. A pipe.

Remus recoiled in revulsion. What was he thinking? A dream pipe? Obviously Sirius hadn't expected him to return tonight and therefore thought he'd be free to dabble! Remus had no idea that his friend did such a thing. Hurt and disgusted, he turned right back around and stomped back out, fixing the door on his way. If Sirius was stupid enough to dabble he deserved to trip out on bad dreams.

He slammed the door behind him, still incredulous. Sirius? Dabbling? What else was the wizard hiding? He couldn't believe it. He was certain that Sirius had more sense. He'd always looked down on dabblers, scoffed at them. Even in school he'd never seemed remotely tempted by the idea even when in their sixth year it had been quite a fad. So why now? And how long had he been doing it?

Remus didn't even make it to the wards before he turned around and went back inside and plopped down on the steps and sighed. Once Sirius came out of it and he was certain his friend would be alright, _then_ he would storm out of the house. Not before.

If this was going to be anything like Lily, he was in for a long night...

x

As like most nights when he wasn't required to brew, Severus sat waiting; the eyes and ears of the Hogshead. It was surprising how many people stupidly assumed that the dingy pub secured privacy. Even two nights ago Headmaster Dumbledore himself—

Severus shook his head, the title coming naturally to him despite the years it had been since he stepped foot inside the school at which he was once a student. _Albus Dumbledore_ had come in to tell his brother that Order members would be placed in and around his establishment the coming Friday, the better to protect students for their Hogsmeade weekend. Severus snorted to himself. Like the Dark Lord would do such a thing as send his Death Eaters into the village just to terrorize children. While Severus had to allow that it might do as a scare tactic, make a nice article for the Prophet, his master wouldn't expend so much man power for something that would yield so little. Attacking the village, or the students, would get him no closer to the Headmaster of Hogwarts, the one man that he knew his master feared.

Severus knew that no such plan existed, and that if anything else _was_ on the agenda, no amount of aurors or Order members would change it. They didn't have to fear hordes of masked Death Eaters descending, only a trickle of invisible ones, faces lost in the crowd of other innocent looking children.

Of course, when he'd reported to his master, the Dark Lord had only hissed in amusement.

'_Let them exhaust and worry themselves with useless preparation.'_

Severus had all but decided that nothing would happen this Thursday night when three loathed voices from his past assaulted his ears.

"Three, if you please Aberforth," came the lazy, insolent drawl of Sirius Sodding Black.

"None for me, thanks," declined the werewolf.

Severus ground his teeth together. Nothing was worse that having to sit and listen to these three sots and _not_ hex them into sliced up jellied stumps. At least he was spared their ring-leader, that pathetic ponce, Potter.

"Prongs was a bit uptight tonight, don't you think?" commented Pettigrew in that snivelling, high pitched, almost feminine voice.

"No, he's just sore because I sided against him on the 'experimental magic' debate," Black said arrogantly, as if everything revolved around him and how he affected the world. Severus had no doubt that that's precisely how the insufferable man's mind worked too.

"Well, you shouldn't have, really," the wolf in man's clothing put in. "Lily doesn't need any encouragement but she does need a voice of caution."

It was possible they were speaking of a different person, Severus told himself, though the context of experimental magic did lend itself to being Lily Evans. But what did she have to do with this lot?

"Bah! She knows what she's getting into."

"You can't possibly know that. That's the thing with experimental magic, one _doesn't_ know what one is getting into until already thoroughly mucked up in it."

"I thought the discussion ended in the castle," Black whined. One could tell he was spoiled, the way his friends dropped the topic. "You know someone tried to kill her again yesterday?"

"What?" Pettigrew and Lupin voiced his very question.

"Locked her away in some unknown dungeon with no light or sound for hours."

Severus knew the place. Near the Slytherin common room. A dungeon, the Dark Lord said, that Salazar himself created.

"By whom?" the wolf growled.

"Dunno. Little Red figured a way out in the end, though, obviously." So it _was_ her.

"That's lucky. You still have your mudblood whore." Severus almost lifted his head to search the werewolf's face for some sign that he was lying, or joking at least.

"I thought we went over this," Black said, trying to push the matter aside with a bored sounding intonation.

"It's wrong and you know it," snarled the werewolf. Severus had to disagree, the bastard probably _didn't_ know it. He had, after all, tried to kill him six years ago.

"She made her decision. She knows what she's getting into."

"Stop saying that! What could she possibly know besides that she's ruining her reputation?"

"What reputation?"

"What about her pride?"

"What about it? She's not complaining."

"You honestly think this is best? That she's publicly caving? That she's lowering herself like this?"

"So it's low to be sleeping with me, is it?"

_Of course it is!_ Severus wanted to shout. Forget his wand, he would strangle Black with bare hands. She was just a child and he was taking advantage of her. He always knew that Black was sick but he defied even Severus' sagacity with this.

But this was what he had been waiting for, been hoping for, a reason to be able to hate the girl. Now he had it. She was dead to him now. If she was just a toy of Black then there was nothing that could redeem her. She was lost, gone forever. Severus had always thought that she was a sensible child, that were she to ever know Potter and Black, that she would be able to see them for what they really were.

Lupin left in a huff, which was more than Severus could do.

"Where—" Pettigrew began but Black interrupted.

"No doubt off to the Hospital Wing to check on his precious _cub_."

"Oi. D'ya think that he's bound to her? You know, since she saved his life last full moon?"

"No," Black said slowly, pensively. "Conditions aren't right."

"Huh. Then he has no excuse for acting like a nursing Hippogriff."

Black burst out laughing and Pettigrew chuckled (Severus would go so far as to describe those disturbing sounds as him having _giggled_) sycophantically along with him.

Pettigrew was always dim. Not only was it not amusing in the least but his naturalism was faulty, Hippogriffs didn't nurse their young. For some reason it irritated him that Black made that very correction the moment after he thought it. For all he hated the man, lack-wittedness was not one of Black's enumerable faults, a fact which made Severus hate him all the more.

"Moony's just _sensitive_." Black put just enough emphasis on the word to make it sound insulting. "Has oversimplified ideals of what's right and wrong, particularly when it comes to witches."

It's a sad indicator indeed when the moral fibre of a group is nothing but werewolf, Severus thought, for what does that say about the rest of them?

"Not like us, eh?" chortled Pettigrew, elbowing Black conspiratorially. Pathetic, both of them, carrying on that way, thinking that treating women poorly made them more creditable men. Well he had seen enough of that sort of thing first hand in Tobias Snape. Severus could say with assurance that his muggle father who had sorely mistreated his mother had proved nothing in his behaviour except that he was the lowest cretin, the foulest of louts and the absolute worst of all men. And there was Pettigrew and Black, bragging about their ineptitude as if it were something to be admired.

"I don't see what his problem is, as I'm not _actually_ shagging the girl," Black remarked.

"She knows better, I'd say." Pettigrew laughed again.

Severus sighed. So she _did_ know better. He shouldn't have doubted. But even if they weren't intimately involved they still spoke and seemingly on friendly terms. That was bad enough. Potter she could hardly avoid, as he was teaching a class that Lily would doubtlessly be taking. But the rest of them, why on earth would they interact? Ah yes. They'd no doubt been thrown together by Albus Dumbledore in his '_Order of the Phoenix_'. _'Order of his precious spoiled Gryffindors' _more like.

x

Despite the alcohol he had consumed both in the Hogshead and at his flat by himself, he still was incapable of drinking himself unconscious. How desperately Sirius wished he could sleep, but ever since he had removed that plague of a dream from his mind and memory, he couldn't rest. He'd known for a while that if he ever wanted slumber again he'd have to take it back. He had even taken Dung's pipe specifically for the purpose, but he'd yet to use it for one reason or another. He didn't dare _name_ the reason, for fear it might be Cowardice.

Not tonight though. Remus was gone and he had drowned away the apprehension that had thus far prevented him from taking it back, from reliving the nightmare.

"It's just a dream," he told himself as he watched the thick pulsing black eel-like thing swimming about in its bowl. "Just a dream. How bad could it be?" He could barely recall it now, only that it had unnerved him so much that the moment he awoke from it he immediately removed it, literally put it from his mind. But clearly it was a dream he was meant to keep, because he wasn't whole without it, he couldn't rest until it was put back where it belonged.

He fumbled with the pipe for a bit, he had never used one before and his drunkenness impaired his otherwise superb motor skills. Squirming dream in place, he put the whole contraption to his ear and turned the crank, re-inserting the dream into his mind. With a _slurp_ the end of the dream wriggled in, as if a slug were squeezing in through his ear. He experienced a moment of panic before he fell back onto the bed, passed out, finally asleep but not at all resting.

.

When Sirius woke, the early dawn light was barely beginning to shine through the window and Sirius had to fight the impulse of removing the dream again. Bile rose in his throat and filled his mouth and he quickly swallowed it back down, coughing at the burn.

The images were so sharp and yet unconnected. Red hands. Bella cackling at his side. He, Sirius Black, Voldemort's favourite Death Eater, had killed Lily and James, his own victorious laughter bubbling up inside him.

He shook his head in unbelievable disgust at himself. It had been even worse the second time, he was certain. "One hell of a reoccurring nightmare," he croaked.

From downstairs he heard the front door swinging open and angrily slamming shut.

* * *

_Chapter 70: The Beginning of the End, is already written and will be posted when enough of you want it to be._


	70. The Beginning of the End

_Tear..._

* * *

_**Chapter 70: The Beginning of the End**_

"Merlin, will this day never end!" Roo complained Friday afternoon. Lily chuckled. They'd just left Defence Against the Dark Arts.

"Only Potions left," she said in an effort to console him.

"_And_ a prefect meeting," he complained.

For all she was trying to cheer up Rupert, she was just as eager to be done with her academic obligations as well. _The_ Damocles Belby would be at Horace's dinner party that evening and she couldn't wait.

Poor Professor Slughorn was having such a hard time conducting potion lessons lately. The man had been teaching his subject for decades and was having a bit of trouble coming up with twice as many lectures as he usually gave to replace the practical brewing section of class. Lily had to give the man credit, he was trying, and the first week he'd done an admirable job, but she could tell by his hemming and hawing that he was doing his best to come up with new lecture material. The class, though of course all N.E.W.T level, clearly weren't interested either. Thinking it was a pity that she, one of the few students actually paying attention on the last lesson on a Friday, and before a Hogsmeade visit no less, had to wait to ask her questions until after the lesson and waste even more time. It was ridiculous.

Actually, if Slughorn had no particular topic he wanted to stick to, and the students weren't paying attention, why shouldn't she use the class time to _her _best advantage?

She raised her hand in the air.

"Yes, Miss Evans?"

"It's a bit off the topic," she hedged. Actually it was no where _near_ the topic. "But I was wondering if you agreed with what Amyus Crew said in _Ars Alchemica_ about the use of _live_ beetles for certain brews." So continued the rest of the lesson; dominated by her and Slughorn's discussion. All the better for her, because with the inability for students to brew potions, they were marked on class participation. She grinned with the knowledge that her marks would remain solid, despite the number of events that had been distracting her from her studies, of late.

"You are coming to my soirée, I trust?" Horace asked at the end of the lesson.

"You think I would pass up an opportunity to meet Master Belby? I've been looking forward to this all week!"

He chuckled approvingly. "Ah but others will be there too. Damien Forrester, for one."

She frowned as she tried to recall the name. "I should know this," she muttered. She knew she'd heard it recently.

"He's a chaser for..."

"The Wimbourne Wasps, that's right." How could she forget? She had _just_ seen him play. Good thing James wasn't around to hear that, he'd be appalled at her deficient Quidditch knowledge. "Well sir, I look forward to seeing you at dinner."

"I know very well it's not _me_ whom you are looking forward to seeing," he said with a smile.

Unable to deny this, she grinned winsomely and left.

.

Finding herself with a free half-hour before the meeting with the prefects, Lily went down to the grounds to have tea with Hagrid, declining the blueberry fang-mint muffins he offered on account of not wanting to spoil her appetite for the upcoming dinner party. Once again, as she had with Poppy Pomfrey the night before, she had to recount the mostly agreeable conclusion of the night in the dungeons. Hagrid had been searching the grounds for her, and, he mentioned a good half a dozen times, had been very worried. She felt marginally guilty for not having gone to reassure him yesterday, but he had been informed that she'd been found, so it wasn't as if he'd been waiting in miserable anticipation.

Once that topic of conversation had thankfully tapered off, it was replaced by the only thing she seemed to be able to think about lately, and Hagrid was added to the list of people Lily bored by extolling Belby and how anxious she was to meet him.

Seeing as the half giant had business with the Headmaster, they walked back to the castle together, separating on the fourth floor.

Perhaps it was because both she and Rupert were eager to be elsewhere, but that afternoon's Prefect meeting went faster than they had in the past. After a review of the minutes it was just a reminder of the precautions to be taken the next day, their responsibilities in maintaining order while the students visited the village as well as a list of grievances, of which there were none, surprisingly. Lily drew the meeting to a close and as each prefect filed out she tried to think of some compliment to offer them on their work. She drew a blank with Phillipa, a fifth year Hufflepuff, and ended up commenting on how lovely her earrings were. The girl smiled sweetly and thanked her.

Once they all had left, she and Roo had to go over everything once again between themselves. As soon as their Head Boy and Girl work was completed, she hastily kissed Roo on the cheek and darted away, conveniently ignoring the fact that there was no running in the corridors. Dinner was in half an hour and she had to get ready. Granted she didn't have all that much to choose from, but she wanted to look her best; adult but not stuffy, appealing but not flashy. She wanted.... well... she didn't exactly know _what _she wanted other than to make a good impression.

Settling on a simple but becoming black dress (muggle, but just odd enough that it might be mistaken for wizard-wear) she coiled her hair and secured her wand in it, carefully adding Mrs. Potter's comb into the up-do. It was just as well, as her outfit had no place to store a wand, (an unfortunate but unsurprising side-effect of female muggle fashion.)

Inspecting herself once more in the mirror, she set off again, not to Slughorn's soirée, not yet, but to James' rooms. She was a bit cold getting there, showing a bit more skin than would normally be exposed in Hogwarts robes. Thanks to secret passages however, her odd attire wasn't noticed by her peers.

Peaking out from the exit to the last passage, she checked that no one was in the corridor and darted down it, her heels making very loud and obtrusive clacking sounds as she dashed across to where she had Defence Against the Dark Arts.

James wasn't in his office, but at the front of the classroom, dismantling a large display he had set up for his fourth years.

"Need help?" she asked.

"No, that's alright I..." He stopped speaking as he turned around. "I... have never seen that dress before."

She twirled on the spot. "How do I look?"

James flicked his wand at the door and the dead bold slid into place with a loud and final sounding _shlank._ His swaggered over to her, his hands travelling up and down her bare arms. "Lovely," he answered, licking his lips.

Despite their unspoken rule about amorous activities in the classroom, she let it happen this once, as the situation seemed to call for it. She stood on her toes to meet the lips that were lowering to find hers.

She pulled away after a minute. "I don't want to be late. I just thought I'd stop by before dinner to get your approval."

"About what?" he asked, arms still firmly holding her to him.

"The dress. I'm going to meet Master Belby and I want to look sharp."

"Oh." His eyes and fingers trailed down from her shoulder, down the line of her dress, tracing the cut of the neck, gently grazing the swell of breast it exposed when she breathed. The contact caused gooseflesh to stand out on her skin.

Seeing as she wasn't going to get an actual answer she let it go. "Please come," she entreated.

He snapped out of whatever thoughts he'd been lost in. "What? Oh, you mean to Slughorn's? No, really can't be arsed. You, Slughorn and Belby will be discussing potion ingredients all night so I'd just be standing there like a knobhead, waiting for it all to be over. I could better use my time working. Now that I'm finally caught up I might actually get ahead."

She opened her mouth to explain, then shut it again, embarrassed by the truth. Unfortunately James noticed.

"What is it? Come on, out with it."

"Well..." she began. "I'm... _nervous_. I'm going to meet one of the most brilliant potioneers of our time and I'm afraid I'll say or do something stupid or otherwise make a complete fool out of myself."

"There's nothing I can do to ensure you don't say stupid things. I don't have that sort of agency over your mental faculties," he joked.

She sighed and buried her head in his robes. "I'd just feel more comfortable with you there, James."

"Mmm." He squeezed her warmly. After another prolonged silence he said, "Well I suppose if it means that much to you..."

She kissed him again, in gratitude and to solidify the agreement, to hold him to his word. "Thank you."

"Not at all, heart." It wasn't often she asked things of him, or admitted she needed him for something. Despite everything, he was somewhat of an old-fashioned wizard in his own way, and revelled in the chance of being depended on by his witch. "Let me change into some nicer robes and then we'll go."

"It won't do for us to go together anyway. I'll leave first and see you there," she suggested.

"Oh right. In a bit then."

.

She was one of the first ones there. She was practically bouncing on her toes the whole time and nervously looking towards the door every time she heard it open. James arrived shortly after she did, and made his way directly for the food. Lily had stationed herself by the drinks table, which had the best vantage of the entrance without actually hovering at the door.

"He's not here yet," she muttered worriedly under her breath to him.

"Calm down," he murmured back, taking a sip from is ornate cup. "Everything will be fine."

"Miss Evans," Slughorn boomed in greeting. There were so few people in the room so far, it wasn't surprising he'd turned to his favourite pupil for conversation. "I must say I'm glad to see you looking so well recovered after the other night's ordeal."

"Oh, I'm fine, really. I wasn't injured. Just a bit shaken, that's all."

"She got a nasty cut on her hand though," interrupted James. "Did you have Madam Pomfrey look at it?" His voice was light and politely inquisitive, but the angle of his left brow made his meaning plain. '_You _better _have let Poppy look at it._'

She sighed dramatically. "Yes, but there was nothing for it."

"Ah well..." Horace patted her back consolingly before he was distracted by two of his 'featured guests' that evening, the lute player and lead singer for the Dung Beetles, as James informed her.

"Oh," she replied unenthusiastically. Though she didn't particularly care to meet them, the sparseness of guests forced the few that were there into conversation. Actually, it was Slughorn, not the sparseness, who forced them into conversation.

"And this is Auror and Defence instructor, James Potter, and Head Girl Lily Evans. Miss Evans, Mr. Potter, Jamie McMaster and Julian Boswell of the Dung Beetles."

They shook hands. "Nice to meet you both. And may I thank you again for agreeing to play at Hogwarts next weekend."

"Oh, right. Evans. Thought that sounded familiar. Yeah no problem. Bit nice to be back here, innit Jules?"

'Jules' shrugged.

Jamie continued without him. "So what song of ours is your favourite?"

The door across the way opened and she gasped hopefully, but it was only a few more students. She let out her breath in a huff of disappointment and James beside her snorted. Slughorn didn't miss it either for he chuckled knowingly and put an arm about McMaster's shoulders. "No use trying to talk to Miss Evans, my boys. I daresay she's too anxious to meet someone else." Horace steered the musical pair to more appreciative company.

Colum Davies and the two other professional Quidditch hopefuls who'd just entered, looked around the room surveying the guests, finally deciding that their Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher would make for the best company.

Before the boys arrived James managed to hiss under his breath. "Dung Beetles are famous. No one has ever even heard of Belby."

"But he's written positively inspired articles and treatises. He's ideas are just... amazing. What's fame compared to that kind of genius!"

He regarded her closely. "You're already smitten with the fellow."

She gaped at him. "I.. I most certainly am not! I just respect and admire him."

"Then why, _my dear_, are we wearing such a fetching little costume?" His gaze lowered pointedly to her bosom and up again to her eyes, brows quirked condescendingly.

She swallowed her outrage (and embarrassment) as Colum and the other two Quidditch captains approached, and said with a broad disingenuous smile, "Did I mention that Damien Forrester, the Wimbourne Wasps chaser is going to be here tonight?" It was the safest thing to say considering the new additions to the group, and she was certain it would direct the conversation away from herself.

"Forrester?" Davies said excitedly.

"You know I used to play with him," James pointed out. Actually Lily _did_ know that, but assumed that he was saying this for the benefit of the others. "He was captain when I joined the Gryffindor team in my second year."

"To think you could have been team-mates again after you left Hogwarts," she said with false wistfulness that no one but James picked up on.

"Truly?" deBeaulieu, the Ravenclaw captain asked.

James nodded. "I was offered to chase for the Wasps, but I went to auror training instead."

This garnered the impressed 'ooh's and 'ah's from the boys that she had been expecting. '_And speak of the devil_.' Lily had, of course, been the first to notice someone new entering, but felt the familiar disappointment that it was only a famous Quidditch player.

As she remembered him, Forester had dark brown hair, but she hadn't been able to see at the match how light a brown his eyes were. He was pleasant enough looking but Lily suspected it was only his status as a famous Quidditch player that caused people to think he was incredibly handsome. _Forrester_ certainly thought so, in any case, she could tell by his swagger that the man thought he was the most important wizard in the room. (James and Sirius had similar strides.)

Lily was instantly put off, not that she had ever been, 'put on' as it were.

As if he had some sort of radar for Quidditch talk, Damien Forrester homed in on their little group, to obvious the delight of the Hogwarts Quidditch captains.

"Why if it isn't little James Potter," he greeted. James, who had been partially sitting on the table behind him with his arms crossed, drew up to his full height, towering over Forrester as if daring him to call him 'little' again.

"It's been a long time," James pointed out. Lily felt slightly sorry for him. She knew better than most what it was like to be treated as a child because that's how people had first known you. It was clear that although it had been over 10 years since they had played together for Gryffindor, Forrester still saw himself as captain, and James as a little second year. Or, Lily mused, perhaps that 'better than you' attitude was just a permanent fixture to his character.

"So what have you been up to?" the Wasp chaser asked his former team-mate with a big knowing smile. Knowing not exactly what the answer would be, but complacent in the knowledge that it wouldn't be as impressive as _him_. _Arrogant bastard. _He even rumpled his hair to make it look windswept, as if he'd just got off a broom. _The prat._

"Well, after you left, Chiltern became captain, and after that I did."

"For three years," Davies pointed out, knowing the proud history of the Gryffindor team. "Not a single loss during his captaincy. Gryffindor took the cup every year."

"Indeed?" Forrester asked politely but trying to sound uninterested and unimpressed.

"I'm Colum Davies, by the way. Current captain. This is Hufflepuff captain, Andrews, and Ravenclaw's deBeaulieu."

The boys all eagerly (but not _too _eagerly) extended their hands and Forrester shook each in turn. "And... you may be?" he asked, turning a smile in her direction.

"Lily Evans," she answered putting her hand out to shake. Lily flinched and only just managed not to jerk her hand away in surprise when he kissed it instead.

"Delighted," he assured her. "Do you play?"

"Me? Oh no. I'm content being a spectator."

"She does fly, though," added Davies. "She has the best broom of the whole house."

Lily pursed her lips. It wasn't a secret that she had that broom, Roo had shown it off to the whole team, yet knowing how she came by it made her start to flush despite her attempts at sangfroid.

Forrester grinned, perhaps assuming those blushes were out of modesty. "Really? What make?"

Lily cleared her throat. "The new ash Oakshaft."

"Why so is mine. Fantastic ride, isn't it?"

Lily nodded dumbly, rather wishing the Quidditch talk could be left to the actual players. "Brilliant acceleration," she mumbled, repeating verbatim what James had said about it. The door opened again, admitting what must have been another guest, because he definitely wasn't a student, but didn't look old and stodgy enough to be a potions master. The man went instantly to Slughorn and Lily returned her attention back to those around her. A few more students had arrived, but they seemed to have flocked to The Dung Beetles. Lily could hear some feminine shrieks of delight. Meanwhile in her own circle, Forrester was commenting on his own performance in his latest match against the Holyhead Harpies.

Whatever faults lay in the man's character, they didn't affect his Quidditch playing abilities, she knew that first hand. He was a very strong player, and had scored nine out of the 14 goals the Wasps had made, not without help, of course, but it was an impressive accomplishment all the same. Not that Lily voiced as much.

"Excuse me," Horace interrupted. "I need to steal Miss Evans for a moment."

More than happy to leave the athletes to their locker room-like chat, Lily let herself be led away by her Potions professor.

"Now, Damocles, allow me to introduce to you our Miss Evans. Miss Evans, may I present—"

"Master Belby!" she exclaimed, hoping that it hadn't come out a shriek. She didn't want to sound like a Beetles' fan girl.

So the tall dark stranger _had _been Belby. She was ashamed to admit that she had suspected the man would be very much like Slughorn, old, tubby, a bit pompous but otherwise brilliant. She hadn't expected the sharp and trim figure before her. His hair was almost entirely black, save for the silver streaks at his temple, which in Lily's opinion, made him look all the more dashing. His eyes were a bright green, they too were sharp and intelligent, but warm and kind as well. He wasn't portly at all, and despite his years (she estimated him to be around 50, _much_ younger than she had been expecting) he had only a little paunch, just slightly more solid round the middle. If she were to be entirely honest with herself, she thought he was astoundingly handsome and a little more dazzled by his presence.

His eyes crinkled with laughter lines, and she could tell this was a man of good humour. "Miss Evans, Horace has spoken warmly of you."

She turned to beam at her beloved potions professor. The dear, dear man had talked her up.

"Oh Master Belby I've read so much of your work. I took out a subscription to _Ars Alchemica_ because of you." Severus subscribed as well; it had actually been he who had first told her to read an article of Belby's. Thus did the fascination start.

Belby chuckled. "You were right, Horace, she certainly is _enthusiastic_." There was no malice behind it, but Lily was embarrassed all the same. All the questions she had planned to ask, discussions she'd wanted to have with the man, suddenly seemed silly. Naïve to think that a master would want to talk to _her_. She felt abruptly disappointed, not in him, but in herself. All of _her_ ideas she wanted to run by him now seemed utterly embarrassing, and she couldn't dare mention a single one out of fear of disappointing him. Actually, he wouldn't even _be_ disappointed. She was nothing to him. All the worse if she made a fool of herself. They were already laughing at her.

Discomfited and disillusioned, she turned around to go back to the Quidditch discussion but James stopped her with one look. He seemed to read her face in an instant and he narrowed his eyes at her, as if _daring _her to chicken out now.

'_But--_' she mouthed and he shook his head. He jerked his chin upwards. _'Go on'_ he mouthed back, smiling. She took a deep breath and let it out again. Unable to stop herself from grinning, she turned back around.

"So what are you working on now, Master Belby?" she asked confidently.

x

_Good girl,_ James thought as Lily returned to the two potioneers. Two _other_ potioneers, actually. She was where she belonged.

"What?" Damien, apparently seeing his attention was elsewhere, turned around to see where James was staring.

"Sorry," he hastily apologised. Deciding that a bit of misdirection couldn't hurt, he added, "I think that's Damocles Belby over there."

"Who?" all three chorused.

"Belby. A potioneer of some skill and creativity, I understand."

"Potions." Forrester shuddered. "Never had the patience for potions."

The subject was dropped, therefore, and Quidditch was taken up again. James half-heartedly participated, while keeping an eye on the rest of the room. Lily seemed to be doing rather well after her brief preliminary panic. A few minutes later Slughorn left them to themselves to make his rounds about the room.

"Is that Damocles Belby?" James asked when the Potions Master joined them.

Slughorn grinned triumphantly. "Yes it is. And how well they get on. For all you argue she's joining you with the aurors, that girl will be a Potions Mistress yet, mark my words."

"It's not a competition, Horace," James chided, though in both of their minds it certainly was. Not only that, but it seemed more than likely that they would tie. Not that Slughorn need know that. She was to be Potions Mistress for the Order, after all, not a position one could brag publicly about. Her working for M.L.E, however, would be public knowledge, and therefore he would win the non-bet. "But she _will_ be an auror," he insisted, unable to stop himself.

"We shall see," Slughorn chirped annoyingly before slithering off again. This wasn't uncommon conversation for them, but it seemed to arouse the interest of those around them.

It was Damien who broke the silence.

"You're an auror?"

James hadn't been expecting a question, let alone one that thick. Did the man never pick up a _Prophet_? Or listen to the wireless? Perhaps it was rather self-important of him, but James thought he'd been pretty well established. Apparently not. He lifted his eyebrows haughtily and gave the man a disbelieving (and patronising) look.

"You didn't think I turned down a position on the Wasps to be a professor, did you?" James asked.

"You were—"

"Sixth year," he answered before Damien could finish the question. "Obviously I declined. Quidditch is all well and good but I wanted to do something a bit more... important. I took this post for a term as a special favour to the Headmaster." He barely managed to stop himself from adding, 'So ha!'

It hurt him to insult his own sport, but he couldn't pass up the opportunity to belittle the man who had done nothing but be condescending to him all evening. He felt even guiltier when he realised that all three boys had ambition to go pro, and there he'd as good as said that it wasn't worthwhile.

Colum Davies was the one to bring the conversation round. More innocuous subjects were discussed until a few minutes later one of his students asked, "Did you always want to be an auror, sir?"

"No," he admitted. What was the harm? "I first thought I wanted to be an Unspeakable... but I'm sure I made the right decision."

"Might you try Quidditch after the war?" This question, posed by Absalom Andrews, made James' eyebrows fly up in surprise. _After _the war? That was something to think about, at any rate. He couldn't really see an end to this war, but if it ended (and presupposing they won) would there be a need for aurors? Might he give Quidditch a proper go? Thinking about it, there was nothing he'd enjoy better. Up till then, when he imagined the end of the war he pictured scenes with Lily, a home, a family. He hadn't thought about a change in career. If the Dark Wizards were defeated, perhaps he wouldn't be needed in Magical Law Enforcement anymore. But by the time the war was over, would he be fit enough to still play? One didn't see too many Quidditch players past 45. What would another twenty years bring?

Unconsciously his eyes moved to Lily. Slughorn was no longer present. Her and Belby's conversation was no longer light and easy and they were standing closer together, whispering almost, their shoulders slightly hunched, looking the very part of conspirators. Quick as lighting, her eyes flashed directly to his and held it for a three powerful heartbeats. She turned to Belby, put a hand on his arm beseechingly for a moment before turning away and walking directly to him.

"I need you," she said curtly, but her eyes spoke volumes. Somewhere in a few short minutes something incredibly important had happened. He didn't bother excusing himself. He simply gave her a nod and followed her to a quiet corner where she instantly erected privacy wards. Her eyes kept darting over to Belby, as if to make sure he was still there.

"_James_," she whispered pleadingly. "_You _have_ to help me make a decision._"

"Of course, what is it?"

"You have to be Remus' voice in this, seeing as he's not here." He was about to ask what Remus had to do with it, but she cut him off with an answer that dispelled any confusion. "Belby is in the midst of a project to help sufferers of lycanthropy."

_Oh._ "Go on."

"But he's hit a wall. And... _oh James_, I wouldn't dare presume to tell a Master what to do, or offer advice but I _know_ something. Something he doesn't know. Something _I shouldn't_ know. But... oh I couldn't betray Remus that way, and yet, it's for Remus that I very much want to tell Master Belby my theory. I can't...." She looked frustrated almost to the point of tears. "You have to help me make a decision... on Remus' behalf. Tell me. What. Do. I. Do?"

James contemplated for a long time. Lily was no fool, not when it came to potions especially. It was possible that she really did have something that could aid Belby. He eyed her steadily, and she stared right back. "You _really_ think it will help?" he asked.

"I _really_ think it will help."

"Then bind him. Get a vow from him. Take no chances. Tell him what you think he needs to know, but make him swear."

She sagged in relief. "_Thank you_."

"But don't tell Remus," he added quickly.

She looked startled, her wide eyes, which had been full of gratitude and hope, were now disappointed. "Why?"

James sighed and put his hands on her shoulders. "Lily, Remus has had more than his fair share of hardships. This... this project of Belby's... it might not work out. It would be beyond cruel to make him think there is a cure on its way, only to have it fail." He leaned in even more and lowered his voice so that it was barely audible. "_There's nothing he wants more than to no longer be a werewolf. If you tell him it's a possibility and he finds out it's not... it would crush him._" James felt a twinge in his chest just thinking about his friend's pain.

A single tear fell down her cheek, but she steeled herself and nodded resolutely.

"That's my girl. Now go help Master Belby." He'd said it that way on purpose, knowing that for her, assisting an actual Master on a breakthrough potion on something so clearly important to her, to them all, was an unparalleled honour and fulfilment.

"I'm so glad you came tonight," she whispered, then spirited away. Assuming that she'd want to use this corner that she'd warded for privacy, James left, returning to his group, which had grown in numbers since he'd been gone.

Several gave him odd looks but no one asked outright questions. That was a good thing because he was still watching across the room and wouldn't have been able to coherently answer. He watched as Belby made a vow, his magic visibly swirled about them.

It was final. Any moment she would begin to tell him what she could. For a moment James had the desire to go over there and join them. He couldn't, of course, as he had no legitimate reason for being there. Because his friend was a werewolf? No, that wouldn't do. Because his student was involved? That was weak. Because the woman he loved was involved? That was unacceptable. It didn't really matter. Lily would tell him later anyway. He'd got an O in his potions O.W.L and an E in his N.E.W.T. He would surely be able to understand.

In a Herculean effort, he wrested his eyes away from the redhead and back to the rest of the room. After a quick scan he remembered why he hadn't wanted to come. Self-important bores forced to raise their voices so that their account of how brilliant they are can be heard over the other tossers insistent on talk about themselves.

x

"Use a silver cauldron."

Belby blinked at her for a minute, clearly thinking she'd lost her mind, or that she never had one to begin with. "A silver cauldron? I'm not trying to poison them, Miss Evans." His brows drew down disapprovingly. No doubt he'd heard several such suggestions when he told people about his project. Clearly he was thinking that the vow she had made him take was a wasted expenditure of his magic.

"I'm sure you get that a lot sir, that poisoning them is the solution to lycanthropy, but I assure you I am not a bigot. I'm entirely serious when I suggest using silver in the preparations."

"Silver is lethal to werewolves."

"I know that. One of my dearest... erm... I mean, an acquaintance of mine suffers from lycanthropy. Recently he was attacked by people who do not share our views, Mr. Belby. He had intense silver poisoning in his blood just under a week before the full moon."

Lily waited to see if she had his attention, and that he wasn't about to scoff again. Clearly she did so she continued. "The individual resisted being taken to Hospital, not that much could have been done, with no healing potions. I bled him as much as I thought safe. I kept that silver tainted blood as well. I repeated the process until the full moon. I knew that I hadn't managed to get rid of all the silver. We were terrified that once he transformed, it would kill him. It didn't." She explained that while it was painful and uncomfortable, he had kept his mind. For the first time, he had had human thoughts during a full moon. Belby picked up on the importance of that instantly.

"Acting like a tranquilizer to the werewolf mind, leaving the sufferer just as he usually is..."

"But still in a wolf's body, alas." Lily paused for a moment, wondering if she dared. "If I may be so bold as to ask, you _do_ have willing volunteers to test it on?"

"I have two. They are well compensated." Ah, the privileges of being a professional.

She immediately thought of asking James to recommend it to Remus, if he would want to offer to try, but she knew James would immediately quash that idea. He told her in no uncertain terms that Remus was not to know about it. And the more she thought about it, however keen Remus might be to find a cure, she didn't like him being tested on.

"I kept notes, testing the blood each time I took it, of course the silver content was less and less, but each day brought him closer to the full moon so I saw no real difference in his health. I... I understand that while he did survive, the time he spent as a wolf was excruciating for him."

_Don't cry you silly girl,_ she told herself. _He's fine now_.

Belby put a hand on her shoulder, clearly in an effort to comfort her. Wonderful, she'd made a fool of herself in front of him. She struggled to maintain professionalism.

"That's why I suggested just a silver cauldron to start. The amount would be minimal, but thoroughly imbued in the potion. It won't be fatal to your volunteers, as Re—" _Damn_. "My friend—" _Damn!_ "Erm.. I mean my acquaintance survived a higher level than that. But it might not be painless."

"However since it's not directly placed in the blood stream, but digested, it would probably dilute the effects further," he said nodding. "Miss Evans I'm amazed. What made you think to keep samples?"

"Well sir, I am an amateur potioneer. I know there are magical qualities in dragon blood, basilisk blood, unicorn blood. I simply wondered if werewolf blood might contain any special magical properties. It didn't, not that I could discover anyway. That is, it was magical, of course, but not in any particular usable way other than its original purpose. Different than mine, but not containing any more magical properties. Or if there were any, perhaps the silver extinguished them... I've never tested untainted werewolf blood. And now I'm babbling, I'm sorry, sir. I'll stop." Oh Merlin help her she was talking about blood magic to a ministry employed brewer. Was she _trying_ to get herself in trouble? Then again, he was under a vow of secrecy. If she admitted to doing anything illegal, it wouldn't matter. But he might be disgusted with her, which she most certainly didn't want.

After a moment of contemplating her, he asked, "You said you had notes?"

Lily knew there was a reason she always wrote these things down. She hurried to her rooms, removed the desired pages from her drawer of notes, made copies, edited them to remove obvious names and places and darted into her bedroom. She'd labelled the phials, but could she in all good conscience give them over? There were many things, dark things, that one could do with it. It wasn't even her blood to give. Those were the only remaining samples as well.

Yet Belby might make use of it. He could put it to more good than she could.

But it was Remus'...

She put the phials in her pocket, determined to seek James' advice again when she got back... which would involve explaining _why_ she had some of Remus' blood in the first place... which, considering his views on blood magic and... erm.. experimentation, he might not take too well.

Perhaps she wouldn't ask him after all.

She returned to Slughorn's, making brief eye contact with James. His brow was inquisitive so she lifted her notes in explanation. He nodded in understanding and she went back to Belby, who was right where she left him but, alas, now talking to Horace. The notes were already charmed for Belby's eyes only, but she'd rather not hand over her notes right under her Potions professor's nose. Horace was, for lack of a less insulting word, meddlesome. Especially if it involved potions, he could be counted upon to try to get in on it.

When she demurely joined them they were discussing a mutual colleague, a person whom Lily had never heard of and she felt right awkward standing there listening to them with nothing she could possibly contribute. It wasn't until Belby mentioned that said mutual colleague would be at a conference that she finally spoke. Granted it was only one word, but it included her in the conversation well enough.

"Conference?" she asked.

"Yes, my dear. Belby is a guest lecturer at the Annual Symposium of Potioneering. This year it's being held in Britain. Very handy, I must say."

"You're going then?" Belby asked Slughorn.

"I have classes to teach, old chap."

"Not on weekends, surely."

"I'm Head of Slytherin. I can't leave unless during holidays. I have to be available to my students." With a grand gesture, he turned his back and with a large sweep of the hand indicated those in the room. Lily supposed he was trying to convey, however true it was or not, that all these people depended on him.

She did, certainly, but she might be one of the few.

In any case, she took the opportunity while his back was turned to hand Belby the notes. He took them hastily and hid them up his sleeve quickly before Horace turned back around, his face giving nothing away. Lily wondered if he'd done this sort of thing before.

"How very true, Professor," Lily agreed, questioning in the back of her mind if she wasn't really a suck-up after all. She'd liked to think of it as humouring her professor, but perhaps her actions did smack of sycophancy.

Declaring a desire for refreshment, she left the two to their business. Much as she admired Belby, the time she spent with him had been intense, and she thought she'd give her poor palms a break from sweating and join some other group that didn't make her so nervous.

Out of all the people in the room Colum Davies, a fellow seventh year Gryffindor, was the one with whom she was on the friendliest terms. It wouldn't be unusual for her to go to him. The fact that he was standing next to James had nothing at all to do with it...

Of course that was a load of rubbish. No doubt everyone else would know that too. The whole of Hogwarts knew she and James had an odd sort of friendship after the Dover fiasco that was all over the papers and magazines. Was it that risky to stand with him and talk? Surely not. Everyone else was doing it, after all.

She threw off her guilty conscience and joined them, slipping in next to James.

Unobtrusive though she had tried to be, Forrester called attention to her by greeting her charmingly. Or at least he certainly thought it was charmingly. She smiled and greeted him back and let the conversation resume.

Predictably, Quidditch was still the main topic. Lily found it oddly relaxing. For minutes at a time she could let the conversation breeze over her, paying only enough attention to nod when appropriate. In her mind, she had considered meeting Belby a big deal, had expected it would be stimulating. She hadn't anticipated it being _that_ big, _that_ stimulating. It left her feeling oddly drained in a happy but frazzled sort of way. She hoped she didn't look it.

James, to her left, didn't speak either, letting the rest of the group (though chiefly Forrester) carry the flow of the conversation. Just being there next to him was... nice. Silly a fancy though it was, she imagined that this party wasn't in the castle and that she and James had arrived together. She pretended that everyone around knew and accepted that they were together, that she wasn't just the Head Girl standing coincidentally next to her professor. She sighed in combination of the pleasantness of the day dream and the unpleasantness of reality. It didn't really matter though. Either way... he was still there. That was the important thing.

"And I'd have made another goal if Owens hadn't blagged. The ref didn't even card her for it. Blind oaf."

She spoke without thinking. "Still, you got your revenge didn't you," she remarked coolly. "Elbowing her in the face like that." She knew that sort of thing happened all the time in Quidditch but she still thought it a rather unsportsmanlike thing to do. Blagging she could understand. Attacking another player out of spite was something else.

It was quiet around the circle and a moment later Lily realised why.

"You saw the match then?" Forrester asked, clearly pleased. Lily wanted to kick herself for her stupidity. "I didn't know they let students out to watch matches."

"They don't." Lily turned to Colum Davies, thinking that with that pronouncement, he was certainly going to get her in trouble. She felt James stiffen beside her. "But loads of students listen to the commentating on the wireless. We were going to listen ourselves but Rupert said you'd borrowed his," said the Gryffindor captain, nodding to her.

Lily almost sagged with relief and could hear James exhale slowly through his nostrils, also thankful that the situation had been saved.

"Oh, so you're a bigger fan than you let on. No need to be shy, love."

"No, I suppose not," she replied faintly.

Still, she bit the inside of her cheek to prevent her saying anything further. If anyone had been truly paying attention, they would know that the story about listening to the match didn't hold up. If the blagging on Forrester wasn't carded, it wouldn't have made the audio commentary. It had been very subtly done and she only noticed because James had been watching through his omnioculars and had informed her of it... by bellowing angrily in her ear.

There was no way that by listening alone, she could have known that his being carded for cobbing came just after the purported blagging.

Luckily, no one seemed to catch that, for which she was utterly grateful. Still, Davies winked at her reassuringly, which left her feeling confused. Why had he done that? She wasn't given enough time to ponder.

"So what was your favourite moment, eh?" Forrester asked, clearly fishing for compliments. She was resolute on not giving any.

"I'd have to say..." She paused there to feign contemplation. "When Niamh Entwhistle caught the snitch," she said decidedly.

James burst out laughing and Forrester's face soured.

"Well, what else would you expect from a Welsh witch?" James pointed out, still laughing and giving Lily a hearty pat on the back.

After a small apologetic smile to Forrester, Lily decided to strike off on her own. She was missing supper to be here and was desperately starving.

She eyed the options disappointedly. Finger food. Still, she filled up a plate with a promise to stop at the kitchens later for _real_ sustenance. As she munched her eyes scanned the room critically as her hand automatically re-checked the location of her wand. 22. There were 22 people in the room including herself and James. Although she tried not to she couldn't help but pay slightly closer attention to Belby, now on his own in the corner opposite hers, scanning the notes she'd given him.

_Not now_, she mentally chided him but understood all too well the feeling of utter need for immediacy when working on a project. Other considerations had a habit of scuttling aside, giving way to the pursuit of knowledge.

_Which part is he reading now? What does he think of it? Will it be useful? Does he think it's rubbish?_ Her mind swirled with like questions until interrupted by a now familiar voice.

"Drink?" asked Forrester, holding out a cup.

"Erm... no thank you. I don't generally accept unknown beverages from men I've insulted," she replied with an embarrassed shrug. "Just on policy."

He chuckled good-naturedly. "I suppose I can't blame you for that."

She stole one more glance at Belby before relinquishing that line of thought and redirecting her attention to the conversation that seemed to be at hand. "About that, I'm sorry if I was a bit rude. You played really well, but I _am_ a Harpies fan. I couldn't betray my team. I'm sure you can understand that."

He grinned again. "Yeah."

She waited for him to either say something else or take a snack and leave but he did neither, leaving Lily feeling like she had to hold up the conversation that his continued proximity necessitated.

"Although it might be traitorous to say this... The Wasps did play the better game. The capture of the snitch aside, if the match continued I think you might have trounced them." It hurt to say, but she decided it was worth the admission. She didn't want any more people disliking than there already were. She had to be careful about treading on people's toes. Popularity was something that took a bit of effort to maintain, and although she'd let it slide this year in lieu of other more important things, after six years she still knew how to make people like her. She felt slightly guilty that she still felt that was important, but she reasoned it away as being a necessary part of her position as Head Girl. She needed to be friendly and approachable.

Of course none of it would matter to the truly bigoted... she was still a mudblood after all. All the more reason for her to work even harder for those who weren't. She wanted to be on as many good sides as possible.

He moved closer. "That why you didn't speak up before? Afraid I'd be offended?"

_Not quite._ "I suppose so." She subtly retreated, taking a step away in pretence of reaching for something further down the table; a rather disgusting looking desert pastry she now had no choice but to sample.

"But of course we've played Holyhead before. Gwenog is a fierce captain. The Harpies are a good team," he admitted. Lily barely stopped herself from frowning. His attitude seemed to have drastically changed in the last 20 minutes. Before he'd been blasting the Harpies and now he was a gracious loser?

She plastered on a smile instead and said cheekily, "I know that. So how's Bagman?"

"Oh he's fine. Ol' Ludo's used to it. He's the kind of bloke that bludgers to the head won't ruin his looks or wits. Can't lose what you don't have, right?" She thought this highly hypocritical but of course said nothing. "Surprising that this was the first time he'd ever broken his nose, though, the number of years he's been playing."

"I don't see why they didn't stop the game to have it fixed."

"There was no foul involved and he didn't fall off his broom. No reason to halt play."

"Still, the amount of blood. It was shameful. Running down his face and robes like that. Ghastly."

Forrester was smirking triumphantly. "I knew it," he said quietly.

Startled, she asked, "Knew what?"

He took another step forward. "How could you have seen the blood if you'd only listened to the match on the wireless?"

_Bugger._ Her mind raced for half a second before she plastered on a secretive smile. "How indeed?" She took another step back.

He advanced again. "I thought students weren't allowed off-campus."

Another step back. "They aren't."

Another step forward. "And yet you were there."

Another step back. "Was I? Surely the Head Girl wouldn't so flagrantly flout the rules."

"You're Head Girl?" he asked, stepping forward yet again. Lily was running out of room for retreat. "Naughty naughty."

"Oi Lily!" Colum was gesturing her over to join him. "Come here and tell Andrews here about the new Oakshaft, eh?"

She slid gratefully away and was immediately involved in yet another Quidditch related discussion.

x

Forrester had been under James' surveillance since the Wasp had left the group to go after the redhead. _His_ redhead. He knew Lily could handle herself but the trouble was that she wouldn't do it unless and until someone crossed the line. Why were witches reluctant to use force unless it was already too late? There was nothing wrong with a little warning hex in James' opinion. She could just tell him to go away, but no, that would be too _impolite_ to say to someone who had done nothing wrong... yet.

The only thing James could do was watch her being backed into a corner and wait until something _did_ happen. Then he would cheerfully watch Forrester being thoroughly bat-bogeyed.

"Alright, Professor?" asked Davies.

With great effort he tried to smooth out his brow. "If you go pro, Davies, promise me you won't instantly turn into a smarmy prat, yeh?"

"Of course, sir," he replied, straightening proudly and turning around and walking away slightly to join Absalom near the appalling looking desert pastries.

With almost Ferris-like understanding or intuition, Davies called out, "Oi Lily! Come here and tell Andrews here about the new Oakshaft, eh?"

James fought off a victorious grin as she happily left Forrester and joined the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff captains.

He wasn't a bad lad, Davies...

.

James stayed for another half an hour, feeling (admittedly with a slight nostalgia) as if he were 15 again at another one of his mother's dinner parties, forced into nice robes and standing around, perfecting the art of small talk. Of course at that age, the conversation had been simple because all the middle age witches asked the same question about his education. Now he had to make more of an effort to be charming but not too beguiling, and aloof but not unsocial. It was a skill that Sirius had perfected before he even entered Hogwarts and had abandoned in lieu of doing whatever the hell he wanted to whomever he chose. If that meant mouthing off to the Minister for Magic, so be it. But Sirius had better sense than that and in general wasn't overtly rude to people of consequence.

James used to dislike those dinner parties. Now, he wished only that he had another one to look forward to. He'd circulate and talk to everyone and do his best to make his mother proud. She'd have adored Lily, he thought with regret. Pity the two witches could never meet.

Looking over he saw Lily talking to Jamie McMaster, along with several others. If Hogwarts was still Hogwarts, by breakfast the next day _everyone_ would know the Dung Beetles were playing the next weekend. 'Jules' was still too cool to participate in the conversation and spent his time working through various poses of boredom and disinterest. The conversation was interrupted by Damocles Belby, pulling Lily slightly away from the group (and consequently in hearing range of James.)

"Miss Evans."

"Yes sir?" she asked hopefully.

"I must return now but I couldn't go without taking my leave of you."

"Oh." She seemed slightly disappointed.

"I was wondering if you would be interested in attending the Potioneering Symposium. As you know I'm one of the lecturers."

"I... I..." She stopped to collect herself, swallowing hard before giving speech another attempt. "I would _love_ to."

"Excellent. Expect your invitation in the post." Belby caught then kissed her hand. "Good night."

"_Night,"_ she breathed back, though by that time Belby had already gone and couldn't have heard.

Now that was a flustered Lily, James observed. Except _he_ hadn't been the one to fluster her... which was a problem. He seriously contemplated becoming more proficient in potionry, since that so clearly got her going.

"I knew you fancied him," he whispered from behind her.

She didn't even try to argue. She just nodded. "James?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you think you'll be that handsome when you're 50?" she asked hopefully as she subtly leaned against him

If she was owning up to it then it couldn't be that serious. He chuckled and said, "You'll just have to stick around and find out."

She turned to face him. "Don't think I won't, Potter," she said sternly, for all the world as if it were some kind of threat. Her face then bloomed into a grin and she said excitedly. "Let's go I have so much to tell you."

.

Unfortunately it wasn't that simple. He left first, donning his cloak when he entered the first secret passage he came to and entered her rooms unseen. He had been waiting for her when a message from the Headmaster arrived. The phoenix patronus informed him that Filch needed Flitwick to repair some serious spell damage in the third floor corridor and would James kindly take the Charms professor's patrol that evening.

James snorted. "He speaks as if he's actually giving me a choice," he remarked to Ebony, who hooted sympathetically. "Never mind that I went yesterday or that I have other work to do." He checked his watch. The next set of rounds would begin in a little under 20 minutes, which meant not enough time to talk to Lily before he left, even if she did arrive that moment... which she didn't. It was just over ten minutes before she entered, swearing under her breath about 'musicians.'

He kissed her in greeting. She grabbed his wrist and twisted it around (uncomfortably) so she could check the time and then swore again.

"Oh hell. I have patrol in a few." She kissed him again and James felt his feelings towards the Headmaster grow less bitter. He was about to explain that he did as well, but was denied the opportunity as she didn't relinquish his mouth in clear demonstration of how excited she had been that evening with no proper way to express it. She was venting most agreeably now.

When she pulled away he was smirking.

"Time for patrol, then?"

She sighed. "Mmhmm," she mumbled glumly.

"Right. I'll see you in a bit, then." He threw on the invisibility cloak left. He hid himself in a niche before removing the cloak and waited in the Entrance Hall for Lily, who would be expecting a tinier wizard much more adept at Charms.

James felt a bit ridiculous. He could have just told her in the room, but he boyishly wanted to surprise her. He was a marauder after all, and the element of surprise was key. Not that he had much with which to surprise her, other than himself and his fine company. Perhaps that would be enough?

When Lily descended he was slightly disappointed to find that Lily looked not the least happily surprised, merely confused.

"Where's Professor Flitwick?" she asked, concerned.

"Third floor with Filch. Repair work. Looks like you're stuck with me instead, Evans."

She smirked. "You might have told me."

"I was going to, but you... that is, I was prevented." She'd snogged him so soundly he hadn't had a chance to get a word in. Not that he was complaining.

She blushed.

"I wouldn't mind being pleasantly prevented like that more often," he assured her.

Lily hastily looked around to make sure no one was in earshot. Not that it would have mattered, he hadn't said anything incriminating.

She cleared her throat and tried to look professional. "Shall we then?"

They took the normal circuit at first, not coming across anything, and kept the conversation to entirely innocuous subjects... that is if one could consider dark arts _innocuous._ At least it was something that the professor and Head Student couldn't be faulted for discussing.

They'd been having a silent spell when James suddenly came out with, "I miss the days when we were from excused from patrolling."

Lily made a faint agreeing noise, somewhere in between a sigh and a hum.

Going out to the forest to feed Mercury had been far more entertaining than the tedious business of wandering the deserted halls. It was rare indeed for any student to be caught these days. With the new curfew especially and double the amount of rounds, students didn't even try it. Or if they did, they were too good to be caught, à la Marauders.

Or... they were foolish and hormonal teenagers with no creativity and could only think of the Astronomy tower for their romantic assignations.

"20 points from Hufflepuff," he said with a sigh.

"And 20 points from Gryffindor," Lily added.

After a brief argument over who would give the lecture, they decided that Lily would escort the Gryffindor girl back to the tower, and he would take the Hufflepuff back down to the dungeons. Both would reprimand their own charges and meet on the first floor (understood to mean 'by her rooms') before continuing with their patrol.

For his part, James couldn't really find it in himself to be angry or indignant at this breach of school rules. It wasn't hurting anyone, and he could sympathise with wanting to snatch a few moments of privacy with a warm and willing witch.

Still, as a professor at Hogwarts, it was his duty to rebuke the boy and make sure it didn't happen again.

"Look here, Huffman," he began, wondering slightly what the boy would have done if he were sorted into any other house with a name like that. "You no doubt know that you were out past curfew so I won't bother telling you. But if she's worth breaking the rules for then she's worth considering the danger you put her, and yourself, in by being out in the open, at night, with unknown dark wizards on the loose."

He decided that making the boy feel he had a wizardly duty to behave sensibly would be more effective than belittle the boy by beating it into him. Horribly hypocritical, James was, and he knew it. If he were 17... hang it, even at 24 he'd risk some danger for a bit of trim. Come to think of it, he didn't know what he'd do if he wereonce again forced into the privacy-less confines of a dormitory. Oh well. _Do as I say... not as I do._

"You have an obligation to think about others. Putting yourself in danger is bad enough, but dragging along someone else..."

"But—"

"Or allowing yourself to be dragged along," he amended. "I know Gryffindor witches can be... rather headstrong at times but that's all the more reason for you to be the steady one. You have to think. Not all rules are arbitrary, you know. There is a reason the curfew was made earlier, because times are more dangerous than before. Just this week a student someone attempted to—" No, he decided. The boy didn't need to know _that_ much. And what was more, Lily had been attacked in broad daylight, not after curfew. He quickly made a conversational swerve in another direction. "You're a smart lad. 17 yet?" he asked.

"Yes sir. Just last week."

"Smart _man_, then. Of age. A responsible adult." James grinned only slightly. "Right?"

"Yes sir."

"Good show."

x

Meanwhile, on the path to Gryffindor tower...

Lily didn't feel quite up to the task of lecturing a girl only a year younger than herself, and for something she consistently did to boot. How many times had Lily hidden herself away in the unused Astronomy tower? (Of course, it is assumed, unless one is referring to that specific class, that 'Astronomy Tower' meant the one not used for lessons. Otherwise it wouldn't be a very romantic place for couples to meet, not with a class of third years looking on.) Worse, oftentimes she'd gone completely by herself. How hypocritical would it be to chide the girl for it?

She shook off this notion. _Do as I say, not as I do._

Lily made her best attempt, though by the time she said goodbye to Amelia at the portrait hole she felt that their conversation had more resembled 'girl talk' than anything else.

She passed Flitwick and Filch on her way down. An entire side of the corridor seemed to have been blasted, or at least something had happened to make it crumble. It was a massive project, repairing the wall piecemeal. Flitwick didn't even enquire as to why she was wearing fancy evening attire, but she offered the information anyway. After explaining that to her professor and also that she'd just finished escorting a student back to her dormitory during the course of her rounds, she began helping, thinking that Dumbledore could have sent every brick to its proper place with a mere flick of the wand as if he were casting a simple _repairo._ It was almost fun, in a way... like fitting puzzle pieces into their proper places. A challenge that didn't tax her mind or magic.

She was interrupted from her monotonous and yet varied task by a great silver patronus and James' echoing voice.

"Where are you? Everything alright?"

This apparition drew Flitwick's attention too and she embarrassedly remembered that she was supposed to be patrolling.

"Got sidetracked putting the wall back together in the third floor. Give me five more minutes to finish this row," she said, sending her doe down the stairs.

She felt a hot flush up her neck and suffuse her cheeks as she and Flitwick watched it bound away. She'd have to find a way around that in the future. It was mortifyingly obvious when both their patronuses appeared in the same place. Argus Filch might not have the magical education to pick up on the significance but by the far away look Flitwick had as he stared in the direction of where her doe had just vanished she could tell his mind was jumping to some conclusion. How had she missed that before? That she was as good as announcing their relationship every time they conjured a patronus? Her entire Defence Against the Dark Arts class had seen though, to no great scandal.

Horrified and apprehensive that Flitwick had figured it out, she threw herself into her work, furiously flinging bricks into place with sloppy speed. She thought she was going to have a heart attack when James himself showed up a few moments later. He must have decided that he might as well meet her there instead of wait around by himself, making her feel worse. Damn the man and his thoughtfulness.

"Can I help?" he asked congenially.

Professor Flitwick said he'd be delighted for the assistance, as if he hadn't noticed the patronus at all.

Lily scowled. In all her years of knowing him, Flitwick had never struck her as _unobservant._

"What's wrong with your face?" James asked.

"Sorry?"

"Your face," he repeated, then he put on an expression that he clearly thought was an impression of hers. Brows furrowed, cheeks tensed, eyes unfocused. He didn't stay like that for long, reverting back to his own lineaments, those of curiosity and concern.

She did her best to smooth out her features. She brought her wand back up and continued her work. Out of the corner of her mouth she whispered, "Oh, nothing, I'm only _mortified_. Flitwick saw both your stag _and_ my doe. The fact that he's pretending he didn't notice makes it worse. Merlin, what must he think of me?"

James pursed his lips as his eyes darted to the tiny wizard, who was going about his work unperturbed. When his gaze turned back to her he looked almost timid. Under his breath he hedged, "Alright, don't be angry..."

Lily froze, as did the brick she was levitating. All she could do was blink while her mind went over the possibilities. She couldn't come up with any explanation that would cover both James _and _Flitwick's behaviour. She came up with nothing. James hesitantly went on.

"Filius knows," he whispered. "I... erm... I told him."

If James thought that bringing it up in front of other people would dampen whatever violent reaction she'd have... he was wrong. Actually, he hadn't been entirely incorrect in his assumptions. She had the better sense to pocket her wand so she wouldn't be tempted to hex him, and yet somehow his feet shot out from under him and he fell flat on his back all the same. His breath came out at once in a grunt and it took him a moment to get it back again. Time enough for Flitwick to come over and try to help up his fellow professor. The tiny wizard's attempt at trying to pull his much larger colleague to his feet would have been comical had she been at all in a humorous mood.

"I suppose I deserved that," James groaned.

She couldn't truthfully say, 'I didn't mean to,' because she wouldn't have been able to wandlessly do it if she hadn't (on some level) _wanted _it to happen.

"Sorry," she offered.

"What happened?" asked Flitwick.

James rose laboriously to his feet. "Just a spot of uncontrolled wandless magic."

"Ah," nodded Flitwick. "Yes, this afternoon Miss Evans said you needed some help training."

"What?" James asked, looking genuinely confused. "No. No, _I'm_ not the—"

Lily forcibly ignored the humiliation at Flitwick knowing their secret (seeing as both wizards seemed to not let that little bit of information affect them) and interrupted James. "Yes you do."

James scowled at her. "If you are trying to convince me that I flung _myself_ onto my own arse then—"

Flitwick cleared his throat and Lily looked away to hid her face until she could control her features.

"Erm.. no. Just in general," she said. "You could do with a bit of practice," she said embarrassedly, trying to avoid the gazes of _both_ professors.

"Wait, wait, wait. You mean I've been doing accidental magic?"

"No, you've been doing wandless magic," she corrected.

James frowned. "Though _accidentally._"

"I don't think there was anything accidental about it. I think it's precisely what you wanted to happen." No doubt the example that flashed across James mind was the same that came to hers... that of him with his feet kicked out from under him and falling painfully to the stone floor. His hand unconsciously went to his bruised posterior wonderingly.

.

Later as they continued their interrupted rounds, Lily hissed angrily, "Why did you tell Professor Flitwick!"

"He guessed!" he defended.

Her eyes narrowed at him. "How?" It wasn't out of the realm of possibility that the clever little wizard had put the pieces together. However, she couldn't imagine what clues had been handed the Charms teacher apart from the patronuses that very night.

James crossed his arms like a pouty child, his glower and outthrust lip only added to the impression. Well two could play at that game. Crossing her arms in kind, she began tapping her foot as she stared him down.

And so they stood for a time, until Peeves the Poltergeist came swooping down on them.

"Weeeee! Wot have we here? Evans and Potter are—" Neither of them waited to hear how the poltergeist intended to finish the rhyme and instead said as one, "Not now Peeves!"

"Ooh! Testy we are! What fun! What fun! Peeves will be back when the fighting is done!"

To this day she had no idea what James and the marauders could have possibly done during their school days to garner this sort of half-formed loyalty from the malevolent spirit, but that moment didn't seem to be the appropriate time to enquire.

She sighed, softening. "James..."

His pout turned into a sulk.

"I won't get angry. I just want to know," she promised.

x

James wouldn't say that he had been talking to Flitwick because he doubted her wards. He didn't. He had just been concerned about Snape. He fumbled for another still truthful explanation...

Reluctantly, he began, "It was the night you went missing in the dungeons. I might have been a bit too unguarded..." He didn't say anymore.

"Oh."

They began walking again, and for awhile neither of them spoke.

"It's only Flitwick?"

"Only Flitwick," he assured her.

"Was he..." She stopped for a moment. "Was he disappointed?" she asked meekly. "He was treating me oddly in class yesterday," she added in explanation.

James wanted to tell her no but he could all too clearly remember the older wizard's expression. No matter how he looked at it, 'approbation' wasn't a possible interpretation. The best he could come up with was 'reluctant acceptance.'

Apparently he'd taken too long to answer and Lily assumed the worst and consciously or not, moved away from him. James grimaced. He'd known all along that Lily had wanted to avoid disappointing people above everything else. It was her biggest fear as regards to their relationship.

"Heart..." he began, pleading.

"Let's—" she said, cutting him off, "finish patrolling."

Several minutes passed in painful silence. James, unable to take it, offered weakly, "So... you'll be going to London for the Potions Conference this year then?"

Apparently the misery of Flitwick's disappointment wasn't enough to overcome the sheer joy of being not only acknowledged by Belby (whom she _greatly _admired), but invited to a symposium at which he was the head speaker. Her face broke into a pleased grin.

"He said I was remarkable," she squeaked, trying to keep her voice low in volume which seemed to make it rise in pitch. She even did a little skip of joy. James doubted that if _he_ called her remarkable she would be so elated.

Unable to help himself he added, "_And_ kissed your hand." He was teasing of course, and she grinned sheepishly. It wasn't as if she were going to squeal with delight about that in front of him, but he knew she had been thrilled.

"You're making fun of me," she said, trying to pout but failing because she couldn't stop smiling.

"Of course I am. You're acting like a..." He _almost_ said 'smitten school girl' but stopped himself in time to say instead, "an infatuated fan girl."

Lily lifted her chin loftily. "I'm not that bad."

"Will I have to come to London with you to make sure you can contain your enthusiasm?" he asked jokingly. "Keep you from misbehaving?"

She gasped. "Oh James, would you? Would you really?"

He smiled a trifle ruefully. "Let's see if your invitation says if you can bring a guest before I go and make any promises, eh?"

Despite being slightly disappointed, she nodded and changed the subject. "So..." she began as if casually. "Anyone I need to worry about? As far as 'containing enthusiasm' is concerned, that is."

"G. Jones," he answered immediately.

Lily was disbelieving. "The captain of the Holyhead Harpies?"

James shrugged. "I know they are the first rival of my favourite team, but that's what makes it so..." He thought better of finishing the sentence. "And Merlin that witch can fly..."

"Speaking of flying..." she began coyly. "Wanna... sneak down to the pitch? After all that talk this evening I really want to take my new broom for a spin."

James froze mid-stride as he seriously considered the idea. He looked her up and down, his teeth sinking into his bottom lip. Then an idea struck him and he automatically felt for the pouch in his breast pocket. "How about we go for a nice long fly tomorrow evening after Hogsmeade," he said. That would be perfect. "And for now let's get back to yours so you can take off that silly little dress."

"I thought you liked it."

"I do, which is precisely why it must be removed as soon as possible."

Lily grinned up at him. A wicked smile on an otherwise angelic face. _That_ was what he loved about her. That delicious combination of right and wrong.

.

By the time they'd finished their rounds they were practically running back to her rooms. The moment the portrait closed behind them they were on each other. Seeing as he was wearing far more than she, he worked to shed his own robes first before lifting her by the hips and sitting her on the table. Parchment, quills and ink pots neatly moved themselves out of their way and James didn't know if that was his wandless magic or hers, but at that precise moment, he didn't bloody care.

Her wonderful mouth was doing exquisite things to his neck and torso when his eyes fluttered open he pulled away.

"I can't do this," he said.

"What? Oh, darling, that's alright," she cooed comfortingly, rubbing his arm understandingly. "It happens."

"I--. What? No!" he sputtered, glaring at his best beloved for even insinuating such a thing. "It's just that your bloody bird won't stop staring at me." The black owl's bright amber eyes never left him. It just sat there and blinked on its wide avian fashion.

"Just ignore her James," she coaxed, bringing his face back down to hers.

Ebony hooted and his head shot up.

"She's doing it on purpose!"

"She's just an owl. Come on, love."

James ignored his heart's own to glare daggers at the bird. "Shouldn't you be off hunting at this time of night?"

"_Hoo hoo_."

"Ebony..." James said in his most serious auror voice. "I'm warning you, if you don't take off in the next 10 seconds I will pluck your every pinion and use them for writing quills."

The owl blinked at him. James was counting down in his mind. Only towards the end did he do it aloud. "Three... Two... That's it, where's my wand." He actually got off Lily to fumble around in the pile of discarded over-robes to grab his duel belt. He finally found it and by the time he looked up again the bird was gone.

"You do realise that entire performance just now was utterly ridiculous," Lily pointed out.

"Desperate times and what they call for..." he defended himself.

"James..." She looked at him suspiciously. "You wouldn't _actually _have hurt her, would you?"

"Erm... no. Of course not." He cleared his throat. "Now where were we?"

***

James sank into the bed feeling completely relaxed. Despite not retiring until two in the morning and the fact that he'd have to get up early, James knew he'd be sleeping well tonight after a shag like that. He felt himself drifting into slumber the moment he fumbled himself under the covers. The last thing he remembered before he fell asleep was the feel of Lily removing his spectacles and kissing him on the forehead.

x

With a sudden painful gasp, Lily was wrenched from sleep, sitting bolt upright in bed. A slight film of perspiration covered her brow and the hairs on the back of her neck prickled.

The inimicus. She'd felt a shimmer in her ward. Not the glaring alarm of an enemy entering, but the subtle shiver of one _leaving_.

She'd never felt anything so bizarre in her entire life.

Though James was a sound sleeper he was awake then. His head had been resting on her shoulder and he'd been violently flung off when she sprang awake. He might have thought it was a nightmare had she not leapt from the bed and started throwing on clothes at random. She would _never _sleep naked again. It wasn't practical in an emergency. James started reaching for his own robes before he even asked what was wrong.

"The wards," she answered curtly.

"Fuck," he whispered. He decided not to even bother with all the hooks and buttons involved with robes and simply threw on the linen pyjama bottoms and a Wasps jersey. She was similarly attired and both of them had their wands out. Shoes weren't even considered as they charged out of her rooms.

"Someone just left through the main doors," she explained as they flew out of the portrait hole.

"They were _leaving_ the castle?"

"Yes. Just now." Lily marvelled that she hadn't yet tripped and fallen head over heel while attempting to sprint down the stone staircases of Hogwarts. Following James' example and leaping over the final four steps, Lily landed (barefoot, of course) with a painful jolt. She didn't have time to think about it and kept running.

"Dumbledore!" she panted. James must have thought the very thing at the precisely the same moment as he had. She hadn't even finished saying the Headmaster's name before James began with an "_Expecto_!"

The stag-cum-message raced off with even more celerity than usual. Without even speaking about it, when they entered the entrance hall, James went left and Lily went right. Wands at the ready, James gave her a nod and she wandlessly opened the great wooden doors, which they used as shields to hide behind in case of any oncoming curses. None immediately came and James nodded at her once again, giving her permission to poke her head around to see. He did the same.

It was only just starting to get light outside and the Hogwarts grounds were covered in a low clinging mist, not unusual for a February morning. This particular morning, however, it could unfortunately provide cover for those trying to make a stealthy get-away.

James saw him first. "Damn!" he swore loudly, pointing with his wand. Lily followed the direction he indicated.

He had made his escape on broomstick. By that time the escapee was just a small speck in the slowly lightening sky. It was too far away for any hex to reach him, but that didn't stop James from trying. Without the exact angle, the farther it travelled, the wider it missed. Still the stunner went farther than Lily expected. _Much_ farther. James was certainly a powerful wizard. He might not have her control, but he certainly wielded more raw power than she did, and that was saying something. He swore again and fired off another round of stunners out of sheer temper.

Dumbledore arrived with a pop. His sleeping attire, an outrageous purple nightgown with matching violet cap, didn't detract from his commanding presence at all. James explained what had happened, which was quickly done. The Headmaster must have notified his Deputy, for Minerva arrived, out of breath and clutching her tartan bathrobe closed with her fist.

If it had been a student, which was probable, they agreed that he or she would most likely return later in the day, or at least before the end of the weekend. Until that moment, Lily would be on high alert.

James' face was a dark glower, the same set expression that she had seen on every auror each time she'd visited the Magical Law Enforcement Office on the second level of the Ministry in London. His steel-like arm clamped over her shoulders and held her against him. She didn't know if it was a loving/protective gesture or simply an effort to keep the castle's warder at his side to have her immediately at hand for whenever the person returned.

There was no point in going back to bed at that stage. The early morning order meeting would start in just over an hour, scheduled before the pre-breakfast staff meeting that was also to be held that day. Lily envied her fellow students who would have another possible two and a half hours of sleep, if they wanted to skip breakfast. Many would, she knew. On Hogsmeade weekends students often slept through breakfast and ate in the village.

James didn't leave her alone when she showered and dressed and insisted she come with him back to his rooms so he could do the same.

x

A tea service floated magically about the Headmasters office, offering caffeinated libation to the tired order members assembled. Remus wasn't the only one who was yawning and rubbing his eyes. The brothers Prewitt seemed to be sleeping on their feet, a half-lidded Mundungus Fletcher fumbled in his robes, procured a flask and added a splash of its contents into his tea, and Dorcas Meadows was slumped in her seat, her head resting on her propped up hand. Frank and Alice Longbottom stood stalwartly, and James and Lily seemed equally alert. The others hadn't arrived yet.

The rest of the group that had been called to this particular meeting trickled in, in ones and twos. Remus pretended not to notice when Sirius made his entrance but strained his ears to listen to his greeting of Fletcher.

"Hello hello!" he said cheerfully. "Not even half six and you've already hit the bottle, eh Dung?"

"Liquid fortification," Mundungus said, carefully over-pronouncing each syllable with his chin outthrust.

"Quite," agreed Sirius amusedly.

"Oi!" said Fletcher, suddenly remembering something and sloppily poking Sirius in the arm. "You still got my pipe. I'll have it back if it's all the same to you."

Sirius' smile turned forced and his voice lowered. "Now now, Dung. You don't really need it."

"Go on. Those things cost a bundle."

Sirius tsked. "And if you actually bought it I _might_ feel obligated to return it to you. Besides, you have enough bad habits, I'm sure you won't miss just this one."

Remus snorted at the hypocrisy. When the last of the members entered the room, (Dedalus Diggle and Wormtail) the meeting promptly began.

Their positions around the wizard village had been assigned and their movements carefully choreographed. No socialising followed; the faculty would be there soon and they had to leave the castle unseen and get to their posts, doing preliminary searches of the village. If anything were in place to harm the students, they would contain it before the children arrived.

With that, the order members dispersed, he with Peter, Sirius with Dorcas Meadowes with whom he was subtly flirting. Remus forced Sirius from his mind. He had to concentrate on the task at hand, not the feckless behaviour of the man he thought he knew.

A light mist covering the grounds gave the odd impression that those walking ahead of him were bodiless below the knee and simply floated upon the fog. Remus looked up to the sky, squinting at where the sun would be were it not hidden by clouds.

Neither of them spoke. The shops weren't even open yet, and the order members scattered about the village shivered and wrapped their cloaks tightly around them as they stood in their respective concealed locations. They had no indication that anything was planned, but they couldn't very well let the students wander the village without protection. They were too vulnerable.

His stomach was wracked with hunger pangs and he tried to ignore it, as he had the previous day. The hot tea had only momentarily appeased his appetite, but now it was back in full force. He'd have to shell out some of the dwindling supply of his moneybag for a meal in the Hogshead... when it opened in two hours.

x

"Good morning, Professor Dippet. Professor Vector," Rupert greeted the two older witches as they too made their way to the Headmaster's office. He got pursed lips and stiff nods in return. So much for being friendly, he thought. He knew that the Hogwarts staff was not looking forward to the excursion. The added security which required more of them to go as chaperones no doubt encroached on their other plans.

As they turned the corner he saw Professor Sprout waddling ahead, nearing the gargoyle that guarded Dumbledore's rooms. Seeing them approach, she waited for them so they could all ascend together.

"Good morning Mr. Ferris," said the Herbology teacher cheerfully. Roo smiled.

"And good morning to you, Professor. How are the Bubotubers coming?" he enquired politely.

"Blooming!" she replied. Roo wondered amusedly if that was to be taken literally.

"I'm glad to hear it," he replied as the staircase began to move. Lily had mentioned that the bubotubers were one of the few plants unaffected by the greenhouse attacks, which is why he chose that particular herb to continue the polite small talk.

Lily and Potter were already there, as were the Heads of Slytherin and Gryffindor houses. She was speaking animatedly with the tiny Charms professor, but the auror and McGonagall were listening raptly.

"It was the most curious sensation," she was telling him. "Like a roiling suction."

"Because it was working in reverse," squeaked Flitwick. "It is the nature of the wards to detect evil intent passing in, not the other way 'round."

"Lily, what's happened?" he asked peremptorily.

She turned to face him, not knowing he'd been there until he spoke. "Rooey."

"Have the wards been breached?" asked Professor Sprout at his side. Apparently she too had been listening to the conversation.

"Not exactly," answered the Headmaster himself. "It seems as though that someone already within the castle set off the wards by leaving it."

"Who was it? Were they caught?" asked Vector.

The Headmaster's lips pursed momentarily before replying, "Alas, no."

A silence fell as the various staff members considered this development. Roo wasn't sure it was entirely a bad thing. Surely evil intent _leaving_ was preferable to evil _entering_. If he didn't come back, so much the better. If he did? They'd know immediately.

Half the teachers were to go with the students into Hogsmeade and the other half were to remain in the castle to watch over the younger years and those who elected not to go to the village. He and Lily, naturally, were among those required to go. He wasn't complaining, it would be nice to get out for a bit. He wondered if they'd even be able to enjoy themselves, what with all their responsibilities to keep their class-mates out of trouble.

He hadn't been Head Boy the last time, just another student enjoying himself. He'd gone with... he shuddered. He'd been with Alice. Lily had been with... he shuddered again. With that little group of Death Eater wannabes who had tried to kill her.

_Not this time_, he thought fiercely. This time she'd be with _him_, and he'd be damned if he'd let anything like that happen again.

x

The faculty flooded out of the Headmaster's office, all of them headed for the Great Hall and their breakfasts. Lily hung back with Roo and James so he could speak to both of them.

"I want you to keep your eye out for anyone with a Cleansweep. I couldn't say which kind."

Lily gaped at him. "Those must be some amazing spectacles if you could have seen from that distance!" she said, part sarcastically, mostly impressed.

"Sorry? I've missed something," said Roo, looking between them in confusion.

"This morning," Lily explained. "Whoever set off the wards left on a broom. But he was just a smudge in the distance by the time we got down there."

"I know my brooms," James insisted, in a tone that brooked no argument.

"I know you do," said Lily. There was no doubt about that. "Cleansweeps. Got it."

"Perhaps you ought to wear the cloak..." said James, his brows furrowed in consideration.

"Of course I can't. What good is a Head Girl to her fellow students if no one can find her? I have to remain accessible."

"Not _too_ accessible." There seemed to be several insinuations there, all of which she deliberately ignored.

"Students and prefects come to me everyday for one reason or another. I doubt today will be any different. It'd be too crowded in any case."

James reluctantly agreed and slid into a secret passage before checking that they were alone in the corridor, kissing her, and telling her "You know what to do."

.

Lily tucked in to her breakfast, and suggested Roo do the same. They would have to stay in the village all day and weren't to spend too long in any one location, but keep moving between establishments. Not enough time to sit down and have a leisurely meal, in other words.

The dance predominated in the conversations she heard around them. It was the next weekend and most people would be doing their shopping in Hogsmeade. Though it was meant to be a surprise, word had got out that the Dung Beetles would be playing and many students came up to her and Roo to ask if it was true. They confirmed that it was, and assumed that those present at the Slug Club gathering the night before had quickly circulated the news. This was Hogwarts after all. Secrets were nigh impossible to conceal.

Then Lily grimaced thinking of Flitwick and how he knew and fervently hoped that it ended there. She reflected that knowing how to obliviate someone wouldn't be that bad of a skill to have. But tampering with memories was unlawful, and she wasn't that desperate yet as to consider committing a crime. James would just have to be _extremely_ careful from now on.

A memory of a conversation she'd had with Sirius came back to her in that moment.

_"Well he is a marauder. Can't resist a challenge or the urge to flout the rules. Once he's no longer afraid he'll start enjoying it. You are in a tricky situation, and the risk of it will make it fun for James. It'll be your job to make sure he doesn't get overconfident and careless. He's a complacent fool by nature."_

_Lily chuckled weakly. "How long do you think before I should start worrying?"_

_He shrugged. "I give it a month before he starts seeing it as a game."_

But it wasn't a game. Even James didn't know how serious the situation was.

.

Lily and Rupert were to leave with the first group, which left at ten o'clock. Filch stood like a crooked sentry, eyes pealed for any students who didn't have permission to leave.

When they approached the carriages Roo gasped.

"What?" she asked quickly, whipping out her wand.

Roo just shook his head and slowly approached the nearest one, hand outstretched. _That's right,_ she thought. _He's never seen a Thestral before._

"They're different than how I thought they'd be," he whispered, stroking the bat-like wing. "Not like the illustrations in the books."

_Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_ did embellish a bit in its artwork. Perhaps because of the animals' connection with death, there was always a sinister connotation that was somehow always transported into drawn representations.

"They're quite lovely, aren't they?" he said at last. The thestral he was tenderly stroking nudged Roo's hand with his head in an affectionate way.

"Yes they are," she agreed, petting its long sinewy neck. The fact that Roo could now see the magnificent beast reminded her of that armless Death Eater. Lily sighed; there was no point in what ifs. The man was dead, end of story.

They hopped into the carriage with a pair of 5th year Ravenclaws and with a slight jerk, the carriage moved forward towards Hogsmeade.

By his expression she could tell that Roo was still thinking of the thestral and probably recalling, as she had, the death that had facilitated this new sight. In a burst of affection, she squeezed his hand and leaned her head on his shoulder.

He squeezed it back.

Lily decided that when she got back from Hogsmeade, before her fly with James, she'd ask the Headmaster to consider Roo for the Order. He was definitely worthy material.

.

Lily couldn't help but notice fellow Order members as she walked down the lane, arm in arm with Roo. They all looked like average witches and wizards going about their business. Other than a brief meeting of eyes, they gave no sign of acknowledgement. They first entered Scrivenshaft's, then the bookstore, from which Roo had to forcibly tug her out, Honeydukes, and several others.

He was completely capable of carrying on an interesting but innocent conversation while keeping his eyes open and alert. As she had been taught, she scanned each shop they entered, taking in how many people were there, how many of them were Hogwarts students and how many weren't. She almost laughed when Rupert pointed out Mundungus as 'suspicious looking.'

"He is that," she agreed in a whisper. "But one of ours. He's a friend of Sirius' of sorts. He's helping to keep watch today."

"Oh, he's undercover?" That would be a logical assumption, Dung was such a character even in his natural state.

Again, she tried to fight off amusement. "Ah... no. He always looks like that."

.

It was well into the afternoon when they decided to take a well deserved break. There had been no alarming incidents but they'd been constantly patrolling and had to deal with several students, either to help them or send them back to the castle for bad behaviour.

"Puddifoot's is bound to be packed," said Roo.

"The Hogshead then?" she suggested.

"Actually I was thinking Three Broomsticks. The Head is a bit dodgy, don't you think? I doubt any students will be in there, so we needn't bother."

"It certainly will be the least crowded place. Perhaps we can split a steak and kidney pie." They shouldn't spend _too_ long in there, just enough for a drink and wolfing down half a dish.

Speaking of wolfing, she saw Remus sitting with Peter at one of the tables nearest the entrance. The Hogshead was never packed, but as it was day, and its usual clientele were the nocturnal sort, it was even more empty than usual. Perhaps six people in the whole place excluding themselves and Aberforth.

Roo started forward to choose a table for them. He'd only taken a few steps when a frightful screech stopped him in his tracks. They both turned to the hideous woman creating such a horrible sound.

"You can't just step on another person's spiders!" she shrieked at Rupert, who looked down at his feet and took a step back. Sure enough, a very dead spider lay squished on the dusty wood floor.

"I.. I beg your pardon, madam," Roo said, not entirely managing to say the last word without stuttering. Only Rupert Ferris would address a hag as 'madam,' thought Lily.

The disgusting looking woman continued her tirade on how rude it was, not only to the spider, but to her as well, and was bawling Roo out. Lily, finding all this hilarious, leaned against Rupert for support to keep herself from succumbing. It was not a good idea to laugh at a hag. Roo stepped backwards, trodding on Lily's foot and she let out a snort and kept tugging on his arm. He would make better progress if he didn't try walking backwards to make his retreat.

"Roo, come on!" she whispered desperately, her voice rising to a squeak. They tripped over each other in their haste to make it out of the tavern, when they both burst out laughing. Lily was clutching her sides and Roo was pounding on his legs in mirth.

Once they more or less got control of themselves he said, "Three Broomsticks, then?"

.

The Three Broomsticks was as packed as the Hogshead was empty. It seemed that every student and teacher in Hogsmeade were crammed into the one pub. It reminded Lily of the Yorkshire Moor tavern the day of the match, minus the drunken singing Quidditch fans.

James and Sirius stood together at the bar; they too had a position near the entrance with no one at their back.

"Enjoying yourself, Cariad?" Sirius asked, kissing her temple.

"Not as much as Rooey. He made a new friend in the Hogshead," she said, dissolving into laughter yet again.

"Ugh. She was a nightmare," he said, shuddering.

"Shame on you, hags are people too! I'm sure she's lovely when her spiders haven't been so _rudely _stepped on."

Roo snorted. James and Sirius only smiled at the story.

Lily turned back around to try to find a place, not to sit (she didn't even hope for that) but stand. They were blocking the doorway as they were.

"What do you want, Lils?" Roo asked.

"Nothing if we can't find a place," she replied.

"A butterbeer?" he suggested. It was her usual drink after all.

"Sure," she said, beginning to bounce on her toes. She needed the toilet.

Roo went down the bar a ways to try and slide in between a few people to get Rosmerta's attention and order.

"Come," said Sirius and started walking to the back of the pub. He had an easier time than she would have getting through. People seemed to make way from him. He came to a two person table, the pair of boys with nearly full drinks set before them sat there talking easily. Sirius just stood there. A moment later the boys fell silent and looked up at the tall beautiful man nervously. Sirius crossed his arms over his chest and cleared his throat.

The boys hastily vacated their seats and Sirius pulled out a chair for her.

"Thank you," she said, feeling both grateful and guilty.

"Not at all," he replied, and went back to join James.

She bounced in her seat, hoping Roo got back soon. She didn't dare abandon the table to use the restroom, it would surely be taken.

"How did you manage this?" her friend asked a minute of two later.

"Sirius," she replied simply.

"Not bad."

"He has his uses," Lily agreed. "Where's yours?"

"Not ready yet. She said she'd bring it out to me."

"Alright. I'm glad you're finally here; you can guard the table while I visit the little witch's room," she said rising.

"No problem," Roo assured, taking a gulp of _her_ butterbeer.

"That's mine! Get your own!" she chided jokingly as she left.

He shrugged innocently, wide smiling eyes blue as forget-me-nots.

.

She was washing her hands when she heard the first scream.

Her dripping, soaping hands went immediately for her wand.

More screams, gasps, and a general roar of people murmuring and footsteps quickly starting to move.

Her hands were instantly dried as she opened the bathroom door and took in the scene. People looked confused, shocked, disbelieving. Many rushing in one direction, towards the exit, while others seemed to be trying to go towards the back of the room.

Lily frantically scanned the room for the problem and for those she loved. She didn't know what was happening but she knew she had to find them.

"Lily! Lily!" Her head whipped around to see James searching as frantically as she had just been.

"James!" she called out to him.

"Lily!" He sounded relieved and yet still worried. He waded toward her and grabbed her outstretched hand and brought her to him, pressing the side of her head into his chest and placing a hand firmly over the other ear. Everything but the sound of James was dulled and she could hear his heart pounding. Her panic abated slightly at the comforting sound, which might have been his plan. He quickly led her out of the pub, Sirius following them out.

The small lane was now filled with people. James said something quickly to Sirius, she couldn't hear. Her head was still spinning in confusion at the sudden chaos. Before she knew it, Sirius had gathered her up and they zoomed away on a broom she hadn't even been aware he had.

x

Sirius was taking a sip of his Dogbite when the feeling of the room changed. It started as an uncomfortable shuffling. He and James both put down their drinks and palmed their wands. Then there was the gasp and rippling murmur of '_poison!_'

James began pushing through the crowd, asking firmly but calmly for people to step out of the way. Minerva McGonagall was looking grim and ready for anything, as she always was. His footsteps stopped short when he saw what started the commotion. The boy, still sitting, had slumped down over the table, his mouth flecked with foam, the rest of the drink spilt all over the place, soaking his shirt.

"_No_," whispered James, and went to feel for a pulse. Sirius could tell by the expression on his face that there was none. Other people seemed to be able to tell too, and one stupid witch started screaming in terror. Suddenly everyone seemed to be screaming, and began running away. Others pushed their way in closer to see.

It was pandemonium in the small pub for a minute, it seemed to sweep over James as well. He searched all around the place, trying to find a shock of familiar red hair. Sirius knew what he must be thinking. The boy dead, and Lily gone. Was she taken?

"Lily! Where's Lily? She's not here!" James said hysterically. "Lily! LILY!"

"James!" called that familiar voice. Sirius didn't know he had been terrified until he felt relieved. James grabbed her, holding her tightly against him with one hand, wand out and pointing in various directions as he made their way toward the exit. They flooded out with several others, the tiny lane now crowded with frantic witches and wizards of all ages.

"Sirius. Get her out of here. Back to the castle!"

A broom James must have summoned while still in the pub came whizzing toward them, stopping directly at mounting height at his side. He threw one leg over it, grabbed the girl, pulled her across his lap, and raced off.

On a top notch racing broom, it takes little time to fly a short mile. Half way there Lily seemed to finally shake herself out of a trance and started squirming. "Stop! Go back!"

He didn't. He rose higher, aiming for the old Astronomy tower.

"Sirius! Turn around! What about Roo and James!" she cried.

He landed and gently unloaded her, banishing the broom away so she wouldn't jump right back on it and go straight to Hogsmeade again.

"What— Was there an attack? What happened? We have to go back and help!" she shouted, her chest rose and fell dramatically as she breathed. "Well?" she demanded. "What's going on!"

Sirius was staggered. He even stepped back several paces to examine if she were serious. Her eyes were wide and worried, searching his with painful desperation. It was obvious that she didn't know.

He hadn't expected that, he thought she... and now he was the one who would have to explain.

He sighed, looking all around him, trying to find something that might help him, prompt him, give him some clue as to how to do this. He momentarily considered lying to her, or saying he didn't know. He sighed and shook his head, knowing there was no avoiding it. Filled with dread, he stared at her for a long moment, the question still remaining, drowning all other thoughts and considerations in his mind.

How was he supposed to tell the girl that her best friend was dead?


	71. Dead Reckoning

_**Author's Note: **__Sorry for the evil long cliffie. This chapter is enormous though and much happens. That and I haven't had internet now for a week. (And if you have the soundtrack to POA, "Window to the Past" is quite lovely for several parts of this chapter.)_

_Since last I posted I've 1. Moved countries (again) 2. Been proposed to (twice) (and refused both) 3. Shot an automatic rifle (but not _at _anyone.) 4. Started a new job (that has nothing to do with shooting automatic rifles, don't worry). 5. Started learning two new languages (which helps with the living and working here.) 6. Missed my sister's wedding (which is unfortunate) 7. Drove an armoured HumV (really fast!) 8. Fasted for a month (Ramadan.) 9. Looked out over the desert with night vision goggles (if you look up at the sky you can see every single star, it's amazing.) 10. Eaten the best food of my life (no joke, I could have this stuff every day.)_

_Lastly, and most importantly: Learned a very important life lesson... __**Sometimes, the hardest thing to do... is nothing. **_

_And with no further ado, I give you..._

**Chapter 71: Dead Reckoning**

Sirius didn't think he'd ever been so blunt in his life as he was then. He had no other information, no answers to any questions she might have had. He just had that one, single, solitary fact. "Ferris is dead. Poisoned." He knew she had been expecting a lengthy explanation, followed by the intended course of action and what they were to do about it. The fact that his whole account took all of two seconds, and that the wind was howling around them, he doubted if she'd even caught it.

She stared at him for several moments before he tentatively asked, "Did you hear me?"

Slowly she shook her head, blinking dazedly. He was dreading having to go through it again, but when her knees buckled and she fell with a thud on her bottom, her expression unchanged, he realised she'd heard every word.

Sirius cautiously took a step toward her, bending down to one knee so that he was on eye level with her, searching her empty face. "Cariad?"

No response. None. Nothing. No words, no eye contact, not a nod or shake of the head. Not even tears or a change in her breathing.

Knowing that there was absolutely nothing he could do to change the situation, and that nothing he could say could possibly make her feel any better, he simply lowered himself to sit on the stones next to her. She'd come around eventually...

But then what? He could do naught but wait and find out.

.

The sun set in silence and the evening chill took firm hold of his bones. He drew his robes closer around himself and charmed his quiescent companion for warmth. Stars started dotting the darkening sky. Still he waited patiently. The wind died down. A bird cawed somewhere in the distance.

Sirius changed positions, leaning back against the crenulated wall, an arm resting on his bent knee. He pulled out his cigarette case and removed one, holding it delicately between his lips and lighting it. He took a deep drag and let the burning aroma of cinnamon fill his lungs, holding it in for as long as he could bear before letting it out in a slow, controlled stream. The smoke lifted away and dissipated into nothing. He repeated the process with honeycomb, wine, spearmint, and rhubarb.

He smoked in silence. Clouds had moved in, obscuring the night sky, so the only indication of the passage of time was the growing collection of cigarette butts next to him.

"Wait, what did you say?" she asked suddenly, shaking her head as if she'd just come out of a trance or reverie. Perhaps she thought she'd imagined it all.

He took a final whiskey flavoured drag and then flicked the fag away. Keeping his eyes directly ahead, he repeated in a cloud of exhaled smoke, "Ferris is dead."

From his peripheral vision he could see her shake her head firmly. "No. No, that's impossible I was just with him. We were talking... we... I was only gone for a moment. He must still be in the village. Lost in the all the commotion," she said hastily, trying to convince herself.

Arms crossed, he leaned his head back against the wall and looked to the sky.

"He _started _the commotion," Sirius said softly, thinking it might rain.

Still shaking her head, she rose to her feet and started pacing. "No. No, it couldn't be. Someone else. Anyone else."

"I saw him myself, Cariad. He was poisoned. I'm sorry." The words felt cold in his mouth, and hollow in his ears.

He felt her eyes on him but he didn't look her way. Her voice shook as she spoke. "You're lying!" she accused.

His lips turned up ruefully. "Not this time, I'm afraid."

When she suddenly flung herself to the wall and was violently sick over the side, he knew that she was no longer in denial. He pushed himself off the floor and gathered her hair back. Holding it in one hand, he reached into his robes and withdrew the ribbon he sometimes used on his own hair and tied back the mane of red.

"Poisoned?" she repeated after a time. She'd finally stopped retching but was still leaning over the side.

"Yes."

"You saw?"

"Yes."

It was quiet for a moment as she tried to catch her breath from being so fiercely ill.

"How many drinks were on the table?" she asked finally.

Sirius frowned at this odd and unexpected question.

"What?"

"The drinks!" she snapped. "How many were there?" she practically shouted.

Sirius quickly scanned his memory, vividly recalling the toppled mug, the contents dripping onto the floor.

"Just the one," he answered, beginning to understand the relevance of the query.

She struck, quick as a serpent, slapping his arm off from where it rested on the back of her neck. Eyes blazing, she shoved him hard away from her. He stumbled back, curious but doing nothing to stop her. "I hate you!" she cried savagely. "I hate you! I hate you Rupert Balthazar Ferris, I _hate_ you! Stupid, worthless, idiot, good-for-nothing!" With each insult bits of the tower was blasted away by uncontrolled outburst of magic. "I'll never forgive you! Never!" she shouted violently, and then began kicking and hitting the wall with her own fists. Unwilling to let her do herself and injury, he came up behind her and pinned her arms to her sides in almost a hug-like gesture and lifted her away from the wall. She kicked futilely at the air. "That was _my_ drink! Not yours! Stupid!... Worthless!..." She began hyperventilating, choking on what were rapidly turning into sobs. "_**I had a bezoar in my pocket!**_" she shrieked desperately. "I could have handled it but you had to go and—!" Her speech sputtered to a halt before she went limp, falling right through his arms into a pile at his feet. She wrestled her hand into her robes and removed the object Sirius knew she always carried with her. "_I had a bezoar in my pocket_," she repeated in a defeated whisper, as if this, above all, was the worst. A shameful secret she was finally revealing.

She stared at the stone in her hand, her face scrunched with either anger or anguish, probably both. "What good are you to me now!"

'_The stone or the boy?_' Sirius couldn't help but wonder.

She threw the bezoar as hard as she could, but instead of flying over the parapets as she had clearly intended, it bounced off one of the tower crenulations and landed right in the middle of the stone floor in front of her, as if mockingly.

The girl couldn't take her eyes off it. The longer she stared the more removed she became, retreating into that dazedness again.

Sirius bent and retrieved the bezoar and inspected it, then turned. Her gaze had followed it up to his face, and for the first time since they'd landed in the Astronomy Tower, their eyes met. While her eyes were on his he slipped the shrivelled stone into his own pocket so it couldn't torment her any longer.

Her chest heaved as she tried to control the sobs... to no avail, looking at him pleadingly. Sirius joined her on the floor, opening cloak to let her inside. She leaned toward him, like falling timber. He caught her to him, wrapping her up in his cloak with him, her breaths still ragged in a painful effort not to give over to crying.

"_Let go,_" he told her. "_You can let go... I have you._"

And she did. Her grief was like nothing he'd ever witnessed. He'd seen women cry. He'd never seen anyone so entirely broken.

"Oh God..." she wailed loudly through the tears and the snot, agony plain in her strained voice. "Rooey...." Her shoulders heaved with violent sobs but he kept hold of her, as he promised. "_No_..."

She wept for as long and as loud as she had been still and silent before. No end in sight.

"Tighter," she said, and Sirius realised that she was talking to him and not expelling woe.

Obligingly, he held her more strongly.

"Tighter."

Again, he strengthened his hold.

"_Tighter._"

He was almost crushing her now. Perhaps that's what she wanted. He wondered if she could even breathe. She had enough air to repeat the command at least. "_Tight...er..."_

When he was squeezing her so hard that his own arms ached with the effort, she finally calmed, letting out a long sigh.

Sirius loosened his hold only slightly and she slumped against him.

"What do I do now?" she whispered hoarsely.

For a long time he didn't answer and her breathing continued to slow and deepen. Knowing sleep would claim her at any moment, he leaned over to put his mouth next to her ear and whispered, "There is always _revenge_..."

x

Severus Snape rose early that Saturday morning, as per usual, and greeted the new day with his usual bitterness. He hated his childhood home, yet he was forced to remain there. If the house was worth anything he'd sell it and go someplace else, but magic was the only thing keeping the heap together. Besides, his master wanted him to stay.

He had no appetite, also not uncommon. It was just as well, there was very little food. Instead he paced the floors of his own tiny, cluttered home. Stalking about and brewing seemed to be the only two things that put him at ease. Well, perhaps not _ease_ exactly, but they distracted him satisfactorily.

The owl post arrived and Severus gave the bird some copper and let it fly off again. The front page covered the Carrows' handiwork from the day before. Muggle baiting, torture, and murder. He turned to the next page, hoping to find actual _news_. He found none. Apparently very little happened in the wizarding world that the Death Eaters didn't know about or orchestrate themselves. He tossed the periodical aside and stood by the window, peering out a gap in the dark curtains. The muggle postman approached, but once he reached Severus' wards he stopped, looking confused, and turned around again.

He was actually rather proud of his wards, the only thing about his home that could claim that honour. Not even his fellow Death Eaters could enter if he didn't want them to, which of course he didn't. They'd taunt him for having such a muggle home. The Dark Lord knew where he lived, of course, as did Lucius and Narcissa. The latter pair looked less than pleased, but his master, surprisingly, didn't seem to mind. In fact, Severus almost suspected that he _approved_, for when he had seen the miserable abode in Severus' mind and memories, he had nodded understandingly. His Lord knew he was a half-blood, that his father had been a horrible muggle. The Dark Lord, when Severus first met him as a teenager, investigated Severus' mind, and remarked in a low but sympathetic voice, that his unfortunate sire wouldn't be held against him. '_Let it serve as a reminder, Severus.'_

At first he assumed that his master meant him to stay there so as not to forget his own inferior status as half-blood, but since then he'd long thought that the Dark Lord wished him to remain in his hated house to keep him discontented with the muggle world. Hate was a powerful fuel, and it was something the Dark Lord was expert in harnessing. He treated each of his Death Eaters in similar ways, simultaneously giving them what they want and keeping them frustrated. While Severus hated being manipulated, he had to admit it was working.

He fastened his cloak about him and left, not even bothering to lock the door. What need was there to lock a door that no one could even reach? He entered the trees before he reached the end of his wards. Through the bare arbours he could just barely see the playground. He shook his head, turned, and apparated away.

The moment he arrived in his labs he felt something was off. Someone had been there and Severus knew who it must have been, and that infernal broomstick left no doubt. He growled and inspected his current project to make sure the idiot boy hadn't bungled anything. To his surprise and relief, it was unspoilt. The Dark Lord's project was safe at least. Snarling, Severus set out to find what the boy _had_ done. He firmly believed that children were incapable of anything that didn't involve destruction and ruin.

It was no wonder the Dark Lord could find use for the dunderheads.

.

He'd been working for the better part of the day on the same painstaking potion. He was just finishing adding the finely powdered bicorn horn when his '_apprentice_' entered.

"You're late," he commented evenly, not taking his eye off the bubbling surface of his brew, changing to a lighter hue, just as it should. "The potion is finished, you might as well leave."

"You are angry that I'm late, but I have a good reason..."

"On the contrary, I'm rather pleased you didn't bother to show up for the brewing. I have consistently better results when you and your ineptitude aren't underfoot. But if you are eager to offer explanation perhaps you tell me why you stole from the Dark Lord's stores..." He lifted an eyebrow. "And why, out of all the poisons you could have chosen, you took the one that was the only of its kind we have, made with the most difficult of ingredients, and took _over four months to brew_." He said this last bit so calmly and smoothly as to sound more threatening than if he had bellowed it. He was furious, but of course wouldn't show it. Feelings weren't meant to be expressed, merely implied.

"I didn't use it all," he defended, withdrawing the phial as proof. Severus snatched it from him bad-naturedly. "I needed a poison that worked quickly, with an antidote that the hospital wing didn't have, and that was unaffected by bezoars. I didn't want the mudblood to get away this time." The boy said 'mudblood' as if there were only one. Severus forbore to pinch his nose to stop the impending headache. The kettle began to sing and Severus welcomed the prospect of tea.

"I wasn't aware you were ordered to do anything but assist me," he said archly, pouring himself a cup.

"But I knew the Dark Lord would be pleased if I did it."

"Pleased that you didn't do what he specifically told you to and instead tried, and in all probability failed, to do something on your own agenda?" he asked pointedly. "Our master doesn't like disobedience, boy."

His apprentice looked down shamefaced. "You won't tell him, will you?"

"He doesn't like being lied to either. And he _can_ tell."

The boy tried to fight off the tears. Severus rolled his eyes. Stupid child. Although, contemplating one's fate if they displeased the Dark Lord might well move one to weep.

"Who did you kill?"

The boy shifted nervously. "Rupert Ferris."

Severus almost twitched at the name, knowing exactly who that was. He also knew that Ferris, unlike his best friend, wasn't a muggleborn, so he couldn't have been the intended target. Still, he asked, "And what made this personal vendetta more important than your assigned task?"

"I wasn't going for _him_. The idiot tasted the mudblood's drink before he gave it to her."

"She still lives?" he asked, sounding entirely bored as he covertly went about preparing another mug.

"Yes," grumbled the boy, accepting the cup that Severus offered and took a sip.

"You do realise that you won't be able to return to the school, now."

"Why not? They don't know it was me."

"They will find out," Severus said with certainty. "You can be sure of that. For all that you are a Slytherin you lack subtlety." That wasn't all the boy was lacking, but to go into the boy's deficiencies in detail would be a lengthy and time-consuming endeavour that wouldn't be worth the effort. "There will be an enquiry and you will be discovered."

"But if I don't go back then they'll _know_ I did it."

"You wanted to be a Death Eater," Severus pointed out. "However, if you had simply done as you were told you wouldn't be in this position and the Dark Lord wouldn't lose his last Death Eater placed in Hogwarts. I can't imagine him being too pleased about that." He wasn't _exactly_ the last man the Dark Lord had in the castle, but the boy didn't know that and Severus had serious doubts about the remaining student. His apprentice might be foolish and inept, but he was undeniably devoted to the Dark Lord's cause.

"I... I'll go back. They won't catch me."

"Oh?" he asked, quirking an eyebrow. "And just how do you imagine you will do that?"

"I'll be careful."

"You should have been careful from the start," Severus snarled.

"I _won't _get caught," the boy said stubbornly. "And next time I won't fail. Next time I'll be sure to get the mudblood."

"No, you won't," Severus said confidently, watching for the reaction he knew was coming any moment.

The boy suddenly looked up, startled, then panic set in as he realised what was happening. He shoved the half drunk cup of tea away, the rest of the contents spilled and the glass shattered. He clutched at his throat uselessly.

"Because there won't _be_ a next time," Severus promised, getting up from his seat. By this time the boy had fallen out of his chair and was writhing on the floor. Severus stepped over him unconcernedly as he made his way casually toward the door, but not before putting the poison back on the shelf where it belonged.

x

James was in awe of Minerva McGonagall. The Gyffindor Matron was a tower of strength for the teachers as well as the students. Once he had made sure that Lily was safely taken away, he turned to find Minerva competently handling the situation. Her face was grave, but as stern as always. She commanded the attention and obedience of all the students immediately. It was her patronus that was sent to the Headmaster, and it was she who gave the orders to the fellow Order members. The students that hadn't been in the Three Broomsticks (few though they had been) were wrangled and brought to the rest of the group to return to the castle immediately under the escort of every available teacher, save James, who lingered long enough to apprise Frank and Alice, who had been stationed at Puddifoot's, of the situation.

Perhaps for the first time, James felt more like a Hogwarts professor than he did a Ministry auror. He felt that he should be at the castle with the students and teachers. He should be at the staff meeting, not in London filling out paperwork. Magical Law Enforcement dealt with this all the time. Hogwarts, however, had just received another powerful blow. He stopped breathing when he thought of Lily, imagining her frustrated and depressed, and knowing he wouldn't be able to make any of it better. He painfully forced his beloved from his mind for the time being, or tried to. He wouldn't be of any use to anyone if he dwelt on that.

"The place is full of witnesses, Moody," he said into the fire. The Head of the auror department wouldn't be dragged out to the scene just for the murder of one boy. In fact, it wasn't really auror work at all. It was the regulars of M.L.E. "I'm needed at the castle more than I am here."

James thought he'd have to argue his case a bit more with his hardhearted boss but surprisingly, Mad-Eye agreed and let him go. James thanked Rosmerta for the use of her private floo, and placed a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry, Rosy." He didn't quite know why he was apologising, but this wouldn't be pleasant for the young barkeeper. She smiled her sad thanks and James took another pinch of powder and said clearly, "Headmaster's office: Hogwarts."

Saving Fawkes, the office was entirely empty so James quickly made his way to the Great Hall, where he imagined the entire school would be gathered. He came in from the teacher's side entrance rather than the main doors so he wouldn't attract too much attention. When he arrived, the Headmaster was addressing the students and staff. The Heads of Houses were to escort their students back to their dormitories. It wasn't expressly mentioned but it was understood, by the staff at least, that they were also to note who was and who wasn't there. James swore that if he learned a single Slytherin wasn't in their common room he'd take down their name immediately and send it to Moody. He didn't care if it was biased, prejudice or bigoted. Deep down, James knew with certainty that it had been a Slytherin that had killed Rupert Ferris. It would have to have been. James' dislike for the snakes grew even more. He scowled at Slughorn waddling out of the Great Hall, herding his hissing charges back to their pit.

After the meal which no one, not even the students, seemed to eat, James shuffled into the meeting room off to the side along with other members of staff. There they waited for Minerva, Pamona, Filius, and Slughorn to return from their duties. Technically the Head Boy and Girl ought to be in attendance, but...

James did not participate in the conversations that took place. He removed himself to a corner and sat down in a small uncomfortable wooden chair and put his head in his hand, his elbow on his knee. After all the precautions the Order and the staff took, they still didn't prevent it. James himself had been in the very bloody pub and hadn't prevented it. But how could he have? Poison, a coward's weapon. A Slytherin's weapon.

Poor Ferris. He was a good lad, a good friend to Lily, a good Gryffindor, a good Quidditch player, a good Head Boy. James hadn't had much time to get to know him. The first time he really spoke to the boy was when Ferris was in tears, all but blaming James for putting Lily in St. Mungo's. He recalled fighting over who gave her a better birthday present. Of course there was the time Ferris had covertly admitted that he knew about his and Lily's relationship. _'You know, for a former famous Quidditch Chaser, one would think you'd have better aim.'_ Oh, and the next day when the boy had bawled him out in his office for failing Lily.

The memory of that conversation still brought a smile to his lips. Good lad. What was Lily going to do without him? James hadn't a clue what he'd do without Sirius.

Shaking his head, he brought his other hand up to hide his face, not because he wanted to conceal his expression, simply because that's where his hand most easily rested.

"There have never been three Head Boys in one year," came the wheezy voice of Professor Binns. The old ghost rarely attended staff meetings but he was there now. Hagrid was too, James noticed belatedly. It's hard to miss a man of Hagrid's size but James hadn't been paying attention.

Hagrid looked every bit the half giant he was. His stony silence was frightening and he seemed to exude a kind of power that not even the Headmaster could emulate. James knew that he wasn't the only one to feel it, because despite the fact that he hadn't said a word, everyone in the room kept stealing worried glances at the enormous brooding man. He sat straighter in his seat and gave Hagrid a nod and received a solemn one in return.

James ran his palms up and down his thighs, waiting for Minerva and the others to return and so they could get on with it. He had to go to her.

Finally the Heads returned, Pomona being the first to report that of course, all her Hufflepuffs were where they ought to be. Flitwick declared likewise. When it came to Slughorn James immediately took out his notebook from his breast pocket and a muggle writing device he'd stolen from Lily, poised and ready to take down names. His actions didn't go unnoticed by the faculty, and Slughorn grew suddenly reluctant to divulge, but did so anyway.

Just because a student was missing didn't mean they were guilty, and just because a student was accounted for didn't mean they were innocent.

Malachi Monkshood, a sixth year, as well as Florissant Bouquet were both missing. Slughorn was hasty to point out the likelihood that they had gone off together, no doubt to an abandoned classroom somewhere for some privacy. James didn't comment, but he didn't need to.

"Minerva?" enquired Albus Dumbledore, trying to move the meeting along. Here McGonagall's face grew grimmer, and she addressed James specifically with almost apologetic eyes.

"Miss Evans wasn't in her rooms or Gryffindor tower." It was clear what she feared and James wasted no time putting her mind at ease.

"She's safe," he said quickly. "She's with Sirius."

The Transfiguration teacher let her eyes roll back slightly as she sighed with relief. To lose one of her seventh year Gryffindors, and Head Boy to boot, had been a serious blow. To lose her star Gryffindor, favourite pupil, Head Girl and fellow Order member... well, it didn't bear thinking on.

Lily.

Merlin, what was he going to do? What was she doing at that very moment? How was Sirius handling her? How would _he_ handle her? He had no clue and yet he didn't want to spend any more time doing nothing. Forget the fact that staying with Moody or with his fellow teachers would be more productive in the long run, for the moment, all this other work felt like he was treading water until he could get back to her, make sure she was alright.

_Fool, of course she isn't alright_.

He began fidgeting horribly in a futile attempt to speed things along.

x

Lily dreamt that she was lying on the stone floor of the girls toilets on the second floor, a giant black serpent wrapped around her, squeezing progressively tighter. Its forked tongue darted out occasionally, flicking against her cheek, but it never moved to eat or even kill her. The snake, those black eyes and that comforting constriction, that reassuring pain, she knew was a friend.

There was a jostling movement and then the serpent loosened its coils and slithered away.

"Don't leave me!" she rasped pleadingly, but the creature had gone.

"I'm not going to leave you," said another voice, not Severus', which, she realised she had for some reason expected, but James'.

She was mostly awake now, enough to understand where she was and what was happening. She was still on the Astronomy Tower, but how late it was she didn't know. Sirius must have let her go and handed her off to James.

"Sirius?" she said. He appeared in her line of vision, regarding her steadily. Not comfortingly, not pityingly, not worriedly, just an unblinking stare, waiting...

She didn't say anything, her mind full of what he had last told her about revenge, wondering if she could do it. She was so uncertain about everything now, her whole world had shifted yet again. She felt that if she weren't held closely by some human anchor she'd be swept away. Sirius held her there with his rock hard stare. He wasn't going anywhere, he was solid, dependable.

She nodded at him, in thanks she supposed. He nodded back, the faintest hint of an arrogant smirk on his face. Same old Sirius. Wonderfully, dependably, consistently, insolent Sirius.

Lily sighed, and put her head back into James' shoulder, relaxed, spent. Same strong shoulder, same scent, same James. She clung to him, willing him to always remain.

"Don't ever leave me," she repeated, this time meaning it for him.

"Never."

x

"Are you sure?" James asked, uncertain if this is what she really wanted but unable to stop himself from responding to the way she was rubbing her hand against him so desperately insistent.

"Yes. _Please,_" she begged. Lily sighed... not in pleasure, but relief, when he entered and began stroking. "_Don't ever stop._"

Wait, don't _ever_ stop? _Ever?_ James swallowed hard but continued all the same, knowing as well as she did that it would have to end eventually.

"Not yet," she told him, feeling he was ready to finish. James grimaced; he'd already gone longer than he thought he ever had in his life.

"Lily, I can't..."

"Please James."

Right. No, he could do this. For her. She needed this. He could keep her distracted, keep her from feeling it.

But not forever. He might be able to keep the pain at bay for a time, but eventually she'd have to face it, accept it.

The funeral was in less than 24 hours. James wasn't sure if she would attend.

One thing was for certain, contemplating an interment kept him from losing it, from completion. He kept his pace, but harder, as she asked.

He decided that she didn't need to know about the meeting with Balthazar and Adelaide Ferris, the boy's parents. It wasn't a pleasant encounter, not that that sort of meeting could ever be pleasant. Breaking the news to a parent that their child was dead was unhappy business. When Adelaide had asked why, why would anyone want to kill her son, Dumbledore had given them a truthful answer. It was another student's drink that was poisoned, and he happened to drink it instead. Dumbledore didn't obfuscate when they demanded to know whose.

James hadn't been expecting the reaction he witnessed. It had been violent, angry, mixed with tears and sobs. "I _told _him to stay away from her! We told him this would happen and look. _Look!_ Our poor innocent boy..." It was heart and gut-wrenching to hear, for more reasons than one.

Yes, James remembered Lily saying that Rupert's parents didn't want her visiting anymore. It was the first real conversation he and Lily had ever had, wondering if it was a shame to be seen with a muggleborn. But James had had no idea that his parents had expressly forbidden him from associating with her. Ferris hadn't dropped a hint, the tiniest clue, never let on to a thing. Of course if he had it would have hurt Lily terribly, which was probably the reason for his implacable silence on the matter.

James was so... so _proud_ of the boy. So fiercely proud. He'd been nothing but loyal, had remained defiantly by his friend's side the whole time. James felt his chest constrict and his throat tighten now as it had then.

Ferris' death, while most certainly lamentable, wasn't in vain. The boy had certainly saved Lily's life. James was certain the girl herself wouldn't think she was worth the boy's sacrifice (unwitting though it may have been), but there were plenty of people... well... a few at least, that could appreciated it. James did, and would forever owe Ferris a debt he could never repay. Which made him wonder...

He studied her face beneath him, her eyes shut tightly as if in pain, which was probably true. Why had she and Ferris ever broken up in the first place when they clearly cared deeply for each other? He'd never thought to ask, and now he doubted he ever could. Not any time soon, at any rate. Not unless he wanted to be labelled the most insensitive prat of all time, which he didn't. Sirius would never forgive him for stealing that title away from him.

James silently willed Lily not to break. She'd taken the deaths of Polina Abbot and John Michaels rather poorly, not to mention that of Weyland Euphrates (which reminded him that in a few days time a vampire in Azkaban would receive a dementor's Kiss.) But this was on a whole different level. James hadn't been around when her parents had been murdered, but he imagined that this loss would be nearer to that than any of the others. Death isn't something one gets used to with repetition. Or shouldn't, at any rate. His thoughts turned toward his mother before quickly skittering away, hiding in dark patches of cowardice in his mind. Now was not the time to think about her.

He noticed Lily's face had cleared. In fact, she was almost completely unresponsive. Tentatively, James softened and slowed, then slowed some more before stopping entirely.

She was asleep.

He'd actually rodgered her to sleep. He smiled sadly, thinking that under any other circumstances her drifting off during the act would have been highly offensive, whereas now, it was an enormous relief. Gently as possible, so as not to wake her, he eased out and off the bed and took himself to the loo. James winced. He'd be sore come morning... as no doubt would she, he thought with another grimace.

x

Sirius watched his friends go... waiting for a bit. Not that he had time to wait. He wiped off his hands on his robes and removed the silver pocket watch Alphard had given him for his 17th.

If he left now he could be almost too fashionably late, which would be right on time with that crowd.

He summoned the broom back to him and mounted. He paused for a moment to take a deep breath and let it out slowly before shooting up into the air.

Sirius simultaneously hated these pureblood meetings and enjoyed them, both in equal measure. It was a risk, playing a part, which added to his enjoyment. Acting, with almost farcical enthusiasm, the very role he'd fought to avoid almost all of his life, the role his parents had so wanted for him. Why that should thrill and delight him, he didn't know.

He wouldn't admit this to anyone, even himself, but these meetings were an outlet, a safe environment in which to purge those things in his character that were indoctrinated into him when too young to know to protest. All those things that came all too easily, a manner of thinking and speaking that he usually tried to suppress. Cruelty came effortlessly, condescension as second nature, derision seemed engrained into him and hauteur seemed to flow through his very veins... much like every other pureblood there. Luckily, he was likewise gifted with deceit and dissimulation. Perhaps he was meant for politics after all.

He enjoyed insulting people for the sake of the act itself. Crafting put-downs amused him, it didn't matter who the recipient may be.

And at these meetings he had carte blanche for any wicked thing that came out of his mouth, be it true or not. Even if he didn't mean it there was a part of him that found the filth he spouted extremely gratifying. It felt _good_. Not in the warm fuzzy sense but in an invigorating surge of something close to power. It wasn't power, but he imagined that lesser men could easily confuse the two, even grow addicted to it.

"Well well well," came a drawl so very much like his. Sirius turned to the man and greeted him with both a sneer and an extended hand, wondering which Malfoy would choose to acknowledge.

"Lucius..." he drawled back, managing to sound twice as bored as the blond had. His efforts weren't lost on him either.

"Didn't think this was your scene," Malfoy said, raising a sceptical eyebrow.

Sirius matched the expression, sneer for sneer, eyebrow for eyebrow. "I thought the same about you. Not wearing your mask, I see."

"And I noticed you are no longer posing in witch's magazines," Malfoy spat with a smirk.

Sirius grinned. "I was unaware you were the type of bloke that read Witch Weekly. Or perhaps I should just be flattered that you took out a subscription especially to see me?"

Malfoy wasn't provoked.

"Wouldn't you rather be out there kissing muggle babies?"

"Wouldn't you rather be out there putting them on pikes?"

Lucius glowered. "What are you doing here, Black?" he snapped, apparently having enough of games.

"Same as you, I'd imagine."

This was actually the first time Sirius had met the older man face to face, but of course they knew each other by their extensive reputations. No doubt anything Malfoy had heard about him had been from Sirius' cousins, Narcissa and Bellatrix. Actually, the only Death Eater who knew for certain that his loyalties truly lay with the Order was Snivellus, whom he had personally duelled. Sirius could only hope that the greasy git's pride (though he highly doubted the man had any to speak of) would prevent him from telling. While Snape had had the upper hand for a time, he had definitely not finished spectacularly. That fight had been humiliating for both of them and would hopefully be kept between them. If not, well then he imagined that Malfoy, or at least his bald and scaly master, knew his true place. But that didn't mean that everyone else there did, or that it couldn't be beneficial. Knowing future legislation before it officially hits the Wizengamot could prove useful, if not so that it could be overturned, but at least prepared for what they'd soon be facing.

Always the defence. The Order was always defending, reacting, always trying to keep up with the more powerful Dark Lord and his Death Eaters.

He and Lucius had been glaring at one another when Sirius saw a slightly paunchy but dignified man heading their way. Sirius fixed his face to a charming but unimpressed smile. "Minister," he greeted, shaking the man's hand and giving him a pat on the shoulder.

"Sirius, old boy," the man replied, pumping his hand repeatedly. "And Lucius." The minister was either unaware of the unusualness of the two being together or simply unconcerned by it and addressed them as if they were all friends. Well, Sirius supposed that at this particular meeting, they were fellows.

"How are the children?" Sirius enquired.

"Blooming, blooming. Magic is just beginning to manifest. And you, keeping yourself busy, I hope?"

"Me? Certainly not. I have more free time then I know what to do with, and I have better things to do with it than keeping busy, I assure you."

"You know m'lad, there's always a position in the ministry for you."

Sirius was genuinely amused by the conversation. "For me, politics is a spectator sport only. And speaking of, what is there to look forward to in the near future. There must be something."

Lucius, apparently not content to be shunt to the conversational side-lines, came into the fray with a sneer and aplomb. "As a matter of fact _Sirius_," he said obvious making some kind of point using his first name. "The mudblood identification act is all but done." The blonde was smirking triumphantly.

"Indeed?" Sirius asked, raising an inquisitive eyebrow at the minister, who hadn't even blinked at the flagrant political incorrectness of the term Lucius had used for muggleborns.

"Yes, yes. Putting it to the Wizengamot within the fortnight. Be assured every muggleborn will be marked within a month."

"Oh?"

"Yes, yes, all but done."

"Why Black, you don't seem pleased," Lucius remarked with malicious amusement.

Sirius shrugged. "Should I be? They stand out already, what good will marking them do?" he asked, though he knew bloody well that it wasn't any kind of solution, merely the first step to a greater and darker plan.

Lucius put a brotherly arm around his shoulder and squeezed as if affectionately. "Don't you worry, that will sort itself out," he said.

'_Meaning the Ministry will provide the targets and you'll provide the practice?'_ Sirius thought.

"It's for their own protection," insisted the Minister for Magic. Whether or not he truly believed the load of tripe was anyone's guess, though Sirius suspected that the man had no malicious intent. Though he rather doubted he had any good intent either. What concerned him most was garnering the pleasure of constituents to ensure he made it into office again next election.

"Of course," both he and Malfoy replied at once, to both their displeasure. Sirius smiled sanguinely all the same.

The Minister laughed. "Capital! Capital. I always thought the pair of you ought to work together. Imagine what you could accomplish. Such a team—"

"Would hardly seem sporting," Sirius interrupted.

"Sportsmanship..." Malfoy mused. "Must be a _Gryffindor_ trait."

Sirius turned to the handsome blonde. "Are you suggesting we work together then?"

Obviously he was suggesting no such thing, but couldn't say so in from of the Minister. Sirius would have.

"Why don't you come round for tea sometime this week. I'm sure Narcissa would be pleased to have you. You could reminisce about old times. Bellatrix too, of course."

Sirius managed not to grind his teeth. "The pleasure would be entirely mine. Owl me with the details."

"Oh I will," Malfoy promised with a smile not unlike a cat watching a canary in a cage.

"Splendid, splendid," said the Minister, rubbing his hands together and wandering off.

Their audience having gone, Sirius and Malfoy no longer had a reason not to ignore one another. Malfoy left to join some _PAX _board members and Sirius went to talk to whomever he might find by the brandy.

He poured himself three fingers and began a discussion with Aristotle Pewtersmith, head of Britain's leading cauldron production company. He was a short, greying, bespectacled old wizard who liked sherry and talking about his business. Sirius, not generally the most obliging of fellows, humoured the old man in his chosen topic of conversation, mainly because it suited him.

The tiny man had an almost Binns-like style to his explanation of copper cauldrons in the last century, and looked bemused when Sirius interrupted him with a question.

"Wha—what?" he asked, blinking myopically at him, as if seeing Sirius for the first time.

"I asked, Mr. Pewtersmith, how one could coat a copper cauldron," he repeated.

Aristotle Pewtersmith began sputtering indignantly; apparently the mere mention of the world 'coating' was so troubling that he sloshed more than half of his drink from shock.

"You would—you would ruin a cauldron? Well I certainly won't tell you how. Of all the—and to think I told you about the Mendelssohn method of cleaning!"

"You quite misunderstand me, sir," Sirius said as he smoothly poured the man a new glass of sherry. "I have no intention of vandalising cauldrons, I assure you. I ask because an acquaintance of mine was unfortunate enough to be targeted for such an attack."

Pewtersmith gasped. "Merlin! Who?"

Sirius mentally shrugged. Why not drop the name of the ultimate name dropper? "Horace Slughorn, Hogwarts' Potions Master."

"Horace, I know him of course. He recently purchased a size five copper and a size four pewter."

"Replacements," said Sirius simply.

"I had no idea. He didn't mention it at all."

"Probably too painful to discuss, so soon after..." Sirius joked, but Aristotle only nodded gravely in agreement.

"So my question to you, Mr. Pewtersmith, is what might it have been? Horace—" Sirius inwardly shuddered at his own familiar use of Slughorn's given name, "didn't notice anything was amiss until the brew was well and thoroughly bollixed."

x

Remus sat in Sirius' sitting room, waiting for him to return. He hadn't been at the Order meeting. James had said, face grave, that he was with Lily. They had all been in the village, they all knew what had happened. Only the Order members who had been assigned to Hogsmeade were there, but really, what was there to discuss? Was there really a need for debriefing? Was it simply to acknowledge as a group that they had failed?

Watching Minerva McGonagall's chin wobble and her famous pursed thin lips quiver made Remus feel terribly uncomfortable. With the severe Transfiguration Mistress looking so forlorn, who was supposed to be strong?

Actually only a few of them had known the lad personally, just the Professors, the Marauders, and Hagrid, who had looked dangerously determined.

To his relief they did eventually go over the next assignments. James and Sirius were simply assigned "Azkaban" with no accompanying explanation. James nodded, obviously already knowing what it was about the wizard prison he was supposed to do. Remus decided to ask about that later, but not with the auror.

'Later' had come, but Sirius still wasn't there. He wouldn't still be minding Lily, because James had left the moment the meeting ended to get her. That had been three hours ago.

Peter was snoring in the armchair across from him, unconcerned by the lack of Sirius' return.

"Padfoot's always out doing something," Peter had remarked earlier.

The fire was reduced to a few glowing embers when the clock chimed three and Sirius finally entered.

Seeing Remus sitting there with his arms crossed disapprovingly Sirius greeted sarcastically, "Darling, I'm home!"

"Where have you been?" Remus asked immediately. Sirius frowned and walked over to the hall mirror and inspected himself as he untied his cravat.

"I haven't got any lipstick on my collar. Don't see what there is to be huffy about," he joked maliciously.

Peter began to stir and rub his eyes. "Padfoot!" he said with a smile. "You're back!"

"That I am, Wormtail. Drink?"

"Yeh. Go on then."

Sirius nodded, flipped his hair out of his face and disappeared into the kitchen.

"Remus?" he called.

"No thank you," he bit out angrily.

When Sirius returned he had three glasses anyway.

He only poured the Port into two of them.

It wasn't until after they both had taken a sip that Peter asked, "So where've you been?"

"Hobnobbing with the upper echelons of wizarding society," he replied breezily.

"I didn't know you were going," Peter said surprised. "How was it then?"

Remus sat there clenching his teeth. He had been given nothing but a cheeky reply when he'd asked that question not minutes ago, but when _Peter_ asked Sirius answered immediately.

"And...?" Peter prompted.

"And," he said with a sigh. "No one knows who killed the Ferris boy. They hadn't even heard of it until I mentioned it and I'm sure they forgot it directly after."

"A bust then?"

"Not at all. Lots of tasty little morsels. Cauldron tampering and muggle identification marks. Oh, and I'm having tea with my dear dear family," he said, sarcasm dripping from his lips like a saccharine syrup.

"You're not!" said Peter in disbelief.

"Damned right I'm not. Nothing sounds 'ambush' quite like 'tea at the Malfoys'.'"

"Wait wait wait. Go back," Remus finally interrupted. "What about the muggleborn identification marks?"

Sirius sneered. "It's as good as done. By this time next month all muggleborns will either be marked, or back in the muggle world with their wands snapped."

The way he'd said _snapped,_ as if it were onomatopoetic, made both Remus and Peter flinch.

"Which would make it impossible to defend themselves," Remus reflected quietly.

"That was rather the point, I think. Resisting the mark or refusing to hand over their wand is an instant stint in Azkaban."

There was a stretch of silence in which Remus assumed they were all imagining the same thing. Lily, proud fiery witch, refusing to give up her wand (out of principle, as she could do wandless) and being immediately thrown in the wizard prison. No doubt that's just what they'd want.

"Someone is going to have to convince her to take the mark quietly..." Remus said after a while.

No one asked who 'her' was.

x

It was History of Magic, as usual. Roo was dozing on his book as Binns droned on. Except it wasn't the usual History of Magic classroom, and yet it _was _somehow, she knew, despite it resembling more her own sitting room. The ghostly professor wasn't lecturing on History either. For some reason, Binns was teaching Muggle Studies with surprising accuracy. He spoke of muggles and muggleborns and the conflict with magical society. Lily felt almost naked, being muggleborn and having her insecurities lectured about to the whole class. Actually, the whole school. They were in the Great Hall now, she was sure, and everyone turned to look at her.

She reached to Roo for support but he still slept.

She nudged him with her elbow. "_Rooey,_" she whispered, trying to wake him. "_Rooey!_"

"Rooey!" she shouted, sitting bolt upright in bed, gasping. A wave of understanding and nausea swept over her simultaneously and she scrambled to the loo to be violently sick in the toilet.

"Did I dream it all?" she asked with no real hope. James, who had followed her in shook his head grimly.

"No, heart," he said softly, rubbing her back. "He's really gone." His voice was heavy with regret.

Shakily, she nodded her head in acceptance, her chin wobbling and tears stinging her eyes from vomiting and having to accept the truth.

"Come on, love. Let's get you cleaned up. Into the shower."

"I don't want to." She wanted to sit there on the floor forever. She wanted Roo back. She wanted yesterday to never have happened. She wanted her mother.

Contrary to her wishes, James began filling the tub.

"I don't want to," she repeated.

"I know. This is for me," he replied calmly, pulling off the shirt he slept in and tossing it carelessly to the floor. Lily simply watched him as he put a few fingers under the water to test the temperature and deciding that it was adequate, removed the remaining article of clothing and climbed in. He groaned, closed his eyes and leaned back. One arm reached out blindly to her, found her head and began to scratch and comb, as if petting a cat.

She scooted closer to the tub and leaned against it, making it more comfortable for him to stroke her. They stayed like that for several minutes, him idly playing with her hair, not speaking. When he withdrew his arm and slid down to dunk his entire head under the water, Lily experienced a moment of uncalled for panic at the loss of contact and turned quickly to watch him. She held her breath as James did until he came back up again. He rubbed his face free of water before blinking open his eyes to study her face.

He extended his hand to her, inviting her in with just a look and a tilt of his head. Drips of water fell to the tiled floor between them

She peeled of the Wasps jersey he'd dressed her in the night before and inhaled sharply in a hiss of pain when she wobbled to her feet.

"Sore?" he asked. She nodded. "Sorry," he apologised in a whisper.

She shook her head. He'd given her exactly what she asked for last night and she was grateful.

Clumsily, she got in with his assistance and expanded the tub slightly to fit them both. Some of the soapy water sloshed out but once they settled the water calmed, and rippled only when James moved his hand up and down her arm.

She might have fallen asleep, she wasn't sure. If she did her dream was very much like reality. What brought her out of it was James beginning to wash her hair. She let him. She'd let him do anything. She didn't have the energy or the will to protest, even if she wanted to. But frankly, she didn't care. She couldn't really care about anything that happened. Let her be a pet, or better yet, a doll, something that had no feelings and had to make no decisions and didn't matter one way or another. So long as she was no longer Lily Evans, it was fine. She did not want to be Lily Evans anymore. The world didn't need a Lily Evans. Lily Evans was only a menace to those who loved her.

Perhaps she could stay forever in her bathroom. Never leave. She didn't need the rest of the world. She didn't want the rest of the world. She could no longer _handle_ the rest of the world.

That wasn't true, she realised. There was at least one place she could go.

"I want to go to Hagrid's," she said. After such a long period of silence, her echoed voice sounded quite loud, though it was barely more than a whisper.

"Alright," he agreed, but didn't move to get up.

Neither did she.

.

An hour later found Lily and James in the gamekeeper's hut, quietly sipping tea. Lily was bundled up in one of Hagrid's enormous but scratchy blankets, leaning against the half giant. It was like old times; Lily retreating to the solace of Hagrid's house, just as she'd used to. It had been quite early when she awoke, and the sun was only then starting to rise.

"James?" she began.

"Hmm?"

"What happens today?" she asked, hoping that he'd understand.

He did. "Nothing," he replied. "Nothing happens today. Tomorrow morning is the funeral."

"The tenth?" she asked numbly.

He nodded. "No classes. Will you go?" he asked, coming beside her and pushing a fresh cup of tea into her empty hand. Hagrid must have taken the other one away.

"I don't know."

.

Normally, they might have gone flying, but the Quidditch pitch reminded her too forcibly of Roo. She had to fight back the tears just thinking about broomsticks. They'd decided on breakfast in James' rooms and were heading that way when Minerva McGonagall accosted them in the entrance hall.

"Potter, there you are. I'm just gathering the teachers. Meeting in the staff-room."

"Another?" he asked. "But I—" He didn't actually finish the sentence, but his look at Lily spoke well enough. She didn't want him to leave her either.

McGonagall gave them a rare pitying look, but then cleared her throat sternly as two early bird Hufflepuffs emerged from the dungeons. Reluctantly, James removed his comforting arm from around her shoulder and stepped away, looking apologetic. Once again, she felt a sudden surge of panic, but did her best to ignore it.

Knowing it was irrational didn't help it go away, however.

"It's alright. I'll be fine by myself," she stated, trying to convince herself of this more than James or Minerva. Neither looked convinced but had no choice but to accept it.

"I'll see you after," he promised in a whisper.

She nodded and watched them enter the Great Hall together, followed at a distance by a few students who eyed her but said nothing. That shook her out of her stupor and she ascended the staircase, passing by her chambers and continuing upward towards James'.

Had it not been so early in the morning she probably wouldn't have heard it, the distressed mewling. It wasn't an odd sound, the castle abounded with feline familiars, except she recognised that particular yowl, and her heart clenched painfully.

She rounded the corner to see Nostradamus on his hind legs, clawing at the portrait of Jiggerus the Jolly in an attempt to get in. Neither the occupant of the room nor the portrait was there. Lily started crying again.

"Poor puss," she sniffled, and picked up Nostradamus and cradled him in her arms. "You'll be okay. I won't let anything happen to you. Everything will be okay," she promised, causing herself to cry even more. "May 11th, 1961," she choked out. _His birthday._

She entered the Head Boy's room, clutching Nostradamus to her chest. The moment they entered however the cat fought to get down, clawing at her robes and yowling in feline displeasure. She let the cat down as the portrait closed behind her. Nostradamus sauntered off to the bedroom.

'_He's not there…'_ she wanted to tell him, but couldn't bear to voice it, not even to herself. Instead she slowly lowered herself onto the couch and lay down, hugging herself tightly, trying to control her breathing as the sobs threatened to overtake her again. She'd just about managed it when Nostradamus returned, mewing inquisitively.

It was as if Lily could understand precisely what he was asking. "Where is he?"

She let out a strangled cry and grabbed the cat and pulled it to her, petting it desperately. It tried to worm away but she wouldn't let it, she held it fast to her bosom.

x

"Severusss," his master hissed. The potions master loathed that his name was so.... _sibilant. _"Tell me, what reason did you have to poison the apprentice I appointed you?"

He had known he would have to explain his actions, and he had prepared well. Still, this was the Dark Lord, and there was no telling when logic may give way to caprice. No matter how good the excuse, he could be punished.

Inwardly, Severus steeled himself. Outwardly, he tried to exude confident loyalty, sans ulterior motives.

"He threatened you, us, with his recklessness. His schoolboy obsession with killing one unimportant girl led him to into the same folly as his peers. His failed murder attempt caused much stirring at Hogwarts and the boy was too cowardly to come face you and admit the truth. He wanted to return to the school, take his chances in escaping the aurors, but I couldn't run the risk of him revealing my work if he was subjected to interrogation, which he doubtlessly would have been. It could have ruined your project, my lord. His returning to the castle would have been disastrous and he refused to listen to reason." What was with Hogwarts boys wanting to kill her? It wasn't as if she were the Dark Lord's priority, he had more important things to deal with. So why was it that they targeted her specifically? True, she was muggleborn, but so were many others. Yes, the Dark Lord asked his new young charges to prove themselves by killing a muggleborn or muggle, but he never specified which one, and yet all of them seemed to immediately choose her.

He'd have to ask the remaining contact in the castle, but now was not the time to think about that as his mind was forced open.

Severus felt but pretended to be unaware of the Dark Lord's perusal of the memory of him and Monkshood. He let him see everything. Severus convinced himself that it was the truth; he would have acted that way in any case. The fact that the boy had tried to kill _Lily_ hadn't changed anything logistically, the results would have been the same. The boy's feckless behaviour was a danger to them all. '_Or had been_,' he corrected. Poison had now eliminated that threat.

"You speak the truth," the Dark Lord said at last, withdrawing from his mind.

"My lord, I know I cannot lie to you." He kept his mind firmly focused, openly and blatantly displaying all that his master would want to see, carefully concealing everything else. Namely her.

"Well, my clever friend, you were right about the boy."

Severus bowed more deeply, knowing that this couldn't possibly be the end.

"However..."

The muscles in his back stiffened in expectation.

"You presume too much to think you can kill one of my Death Eaters without permission. You ought have let me deal with him, Severus..."

"Yes, my lord. It will never happen again."

How much longer?

"_Yesss_. And to ensure that it doesn't..."

Merlin, here it came.

"_Crucio!_"

He immediately collapsed to the floor, gritting his teeth so hard against the pain his jaw might never open again. That wouldn't be a problem however if he died, which seemed like a happy alternative to this torture. Death was nothing but a quiet release. He'd gladly take it over this unendurable pain, like acid flowing through his veins and covering every bit of flesh. The burning, the stabbing, the unrelenting pain...

Stopped.

His mind recovered more quickly than his body, and he had enough sense not to vomit on the Dark Lord's robes. That seemed an excellent way to get another _crucio_. It was a near thing though. He trembled and forced his stomach back down his throat, taking deep breaths to keep the rising bile at bay.

That had been his first, and hopefully last, bout of the torture curse.

"I trust I have made my point, my clever friend?" the Dark Lord whispered directly in his ear.  
"Inescapably, my lord" he gasped. "Such presumption... will never happen again."

He remained bowing on hands and knees at his lord's cloak hem. He didn't dare stand back up without permission, nor did he think he could if he had wanted to. Perhaps it was all for the best his master hadn't bid him...

"Rise, Sseveruss."

Suppressing a groan and cursing providence, and himself for having tempted her, he shakily rose to his feet. If it had been anyone else, he would have done anything to conceal the display of weakness, but he knew the Dark Lord enjoyed it... Severus suspected that seeing other wizards weak before him was a comfort. If any one of his faithful followers grew too powerful, or too clever, they were dispatched. He didn't want to be another Regulus, which is why Severus was so careful how much ability and knowledge he displayed. He had to tread that careful line, being just useful enough to stand slightly above his peers and gain the Dark Lords particular favour, but not stand so far out that he was seen as a threat to be cut down. He wanted to succeed. He was a Slytherin, after all, so he let his master see how badly he shook.

"Go, Death Eater."

Severus, not needing to be told twice, bowed and left, apparating to Spinner's End.

His house never looked so far away from where he appeared in the woods. On wobbly legs he made it inside and collapsed onto the sofa with a groan.

Had that been worth it?

He could have simply stunned the boy and handed him over to the Dark Lord to be punished. That would have been the wisest course of action, and he wouldn't have suffered for it.

Not that it made any difference. It was done and past now. But it provided a lesson for the future should he ever find himself in that position again.

And yet somehow he didn't see himself acting any differently.

A troubling thought.

He studied the bit of hanging knotgrass by the door before closing his eyes and his mind to it all.

x

They had decided to return to the castle that day, perhaps to try to distract Lily. Remus knew it unlikely but he felt honour bound to be there, even if their presences accomplished nothing. It was the principle of the thing. Peter was in his pocket as a rat, and Sirius trotted at his heals. One would look less conspicuous than three.

They didn't find either one of them, not in the Head Girl rooms nor in those of the Defence against the Dark Arts professor. No doubt they were off somewhere together. Sirius plopped down in front of the fireplace in Lily's sitting room, while Peter waited in James' office. Remus decided on a walk about the grounds.

The chilly air felt good in his lungs and he felt his stride lengthen and strengthen. The giant squid flung a lazy tentacle or two into the air, as if waving Remus over. He knew the creature had no such intent, but he headed to the water all the same, deciding a stroll around the lake would sufficiently occupy his time. Better than aimless wandering. At least he had a path, a course to follow, which was more than he could say for the rest of his life.

He'd gone perhaps a quarter of a mile when he spied something just off the path in front of him. Robes, it seemed to be. Discarded robes.

What an odd place for them to be. He immediately looked around to try to find the owner, if they were about, but clearly they weren't. They didn't look weathered, as if they'd been there for a long time. He frowned and bent to inspect them, catching the scent just as he spied the Head Girl badge pinned to the cloak.

He shook his head in confusion. Why would her robes be there, but not her? And for that matter, whereever she may be, why wasn't she wearing her clothes? His mind immediately jumped to the possibility that she and James were somewhere, involved in some activity that didn't require them, but if that were the case, why were the auror's robes not there as well? Remus blinked and scratched his head as he looked out over the lake wonderingly.

Where could she be? He raised his wand to send a patronus to Sirius.

x

It was peaceful, relaxing, soothing. It had been Roo who had first told her to swim in the lake, and she felt closer to him now for doing it. She felt oddly free, uninhibited, unpressured. This wasn't hard at all. It hadn't been her intention when she left his room to take a walk, but she couldn't seem to resist plunging in. She began precisely where she and Roo had in fifth year, Where the dare had taken place. She even smiled slightly at the memory.

It was so cool, so quiet, so calming underwater. Lovely, dark, deep. Nothing to bother her but a few grindylows, and even they seemed to be making themselves scarce. The night before on the tower with Sirius she'd been drowning in her grief, now she seemed to be floating atop of it. In this atmosphere she could almost.... forget. And what a lovely thing it was, to forget.

But thinking of what she was trying to forget only caused her to remember those moments more clearly, which made her realise she didn't really want to forget after all. She had too many wonderful memories with Roo to want to get rid of them.

Her memories were all she had left of him, how dare she try to forget them?

She vanished her bubble head charm and began stroking upward. Despite only having been without air for a few moments, she took a big gasp of it the moment she broke through the water's surface. Treading, she wiped her face.

"Lily!" someone called. Not someone. Remus. She spun around in the direction from which she thought she heard his voice and saw him standing at the water's edge.

x

Just at the moment he was about to call for Sirius, he heard the water break and someone gasping for breath. What was she doing swimming the lake in February?

"Lily!" he called. When she saw him, she began to swim to shore, but she disappeared under the water for a time, so he hadn't been precisely sure that was what she was doing until she popped up again only a few metres in front of him. Shocked surprise lasted but for a moment before he turned away and shrugged off his cloak for her to step into.

"Remus, what are you doing here?" she asked calmly, for all the world as if they'd run into each other at Florish and Blotts and this was just a pleasant but unremarkable coincidence. He decided to approach this matter softly, and not immediately chide her for doing something everyone apart from Sirius would classify as dangerous and foolhardy.

He felt her take the robe. "Just going for a walk. You?" he asked, forcing his voice to adopt that same level of casualness she had used.

"Just going for a swim."

He forced himself to chuckle. "In February?"

"Why not?" He could think of a dozen reasons why not, but each of them would have been equally relevant any month of year.

"Can I turn around now?" he asked.

"Of course."

She dried her hair with a quick charm and sat down on the ground, looking out over the lake. He sat down beside her.

Several silent moments passed.

"I know this is a stupid question," he began. "But are you alright?"

"No. No, I am not alright," she answered, not taking her eyes off the water.

"Anything I can do?"

"No, there is nothing you or anyone else can do."

He hadn't thought so, but at least he'd offered.

More silence.

"Why were you in the lake?" he asked again.

She shrugged. "It seemed like a good idea. You should try it sometime. It's very relaxing."

"I'll keep that in mind."

More time passed.

"You're cold," she commented, starting to shrug off his cloak to give back to him.

"No!" he immediately protested.

"It's alright, I'm thermolicorpused. Besides, my things are just over there." She summoned them without a word or a wand.

He meant to argue further, but he couldn't help seeing something that stopped him in his efforts.

"Is that mine?" he asked, daringly reaching out and touching the scar with a few fingers. He'd seen enough on his friends to recognise the marks.

"Yes," she replied, lowering the cloak and bra strap just enough so he could see all of it.

He blinked, not quite confused, just a bit wondrous. He'd never seen it before. How had he never seen it before? He'd seen what he'd done to the marauders but somehow, on her, the scars looked different. Almost elegant. A decoration.

He rather doubted she shared this opinion though, and he was ashamed of himself for thinking it. Of course it wasn't a decoration, it was a travesty. It was his fault she was scarred, because he was a monster.

"I'm sorry," he said, putting his hand over the entire area to cover it up, as if that would actually make it disappear.

"Don't be. It's one of the few things that makes me feel like I belong. The one thing we all have in common." She leaned against him, resting her head against his shoulder so that he could no longer see the scar.

This answer surprised Remus, not at all what he had been expecting.

"You don't need to be mauled by a werewolf to belong," he said.

"No... I think I do. Because it was you, wasn't it, that really united the group. Sure, you were friends before, but it wasn't until you bonded as Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs that you really became the 'Marauders,' the close group that you are. It's a rare thing, to have friends as close as yours, it has to be something special that binds them together. And you were the sticking powder, weren't you? So..." She lifted her head for a moment to look at him, then lowered it again to his shoulder saying, "Sssssstick."

Remus thought for a moment.

Could that possibly be true? Was he the adhesive? No, surely that was James or Sirius.

And yet...

How many times were people denied access to their group in school because they were declared unworthy to learn of his secret? How many women had James and Sirius broken up with because they refused to tell them where they disappeared to once a month? How many times had they planned their schedules around the full moon for him, even trying to schedule days off work if they could? Their very nicknames were from the animagus forms that they developed in order to keep him company during the full moon. Was it really his lycanthropy that brought them and kept them together? He shook his head. It was too much. Nothing good ever came of being a werewolf, their scars weren't proud badges of friendship. They were morbid reminders of the consequences of their poor decision to be his friend.

"_Please_," she whispered. "Stick to me. Let me in. I need to belong... somewhere."

"Lily," he admonished, tightening the arm around her shoulder to give her a gentle shake. "You do belong with us."

"Only because of that scar, Remus. That's the only solid thing that I have."

He wanted to deny this, but curiosity forced him to contemplate.

"You think so?" he asked after a time.

"I know so. If I had never encountered you that full moon in November, you, and

Sirius, and Peter would never have accepted me. Even James. If anything ever came of us I'd probably just be another Agatha Argyle. Appreciated for the time, but never brought into the group. Never really belonging. It was because of that night that James was forced to trust me with your secrets, and likewise you with mine. Being an illegal animagus and all that. If not for this." She pointed to her shoulder. "I'd be nobody, right now."

For Remus, that was simply too much to take, so instead of trying to continue an argument he had no real grasp of, he simply said, "Let's go to the Shack."

She received this suggestion precisely how he'd hoped. If she took comfort in the fact that he was a werewolf... well...well that was barmy, that's what it was, but he'd humour her all the same. It was a rare thing indeed, when he could do something good for others, let along anything that had to do with his lycanthropy. But for some reason, she found something good in it for her and he wouldn't deny it.

They stood and, to his surprise, she immediately changed into a doe. He knew he must have seen her as a doe before, but he couldn't recall it, being a mad werewolf at the time. A very similar scar over the left shoulder marred the flesh of the deer as well. He stroked the fur, noting how much smaller her doe was compared to James' stag. They didn't take the path to Hogsmeade, but walked through the rougher wild as suited the deer. Remus didn't mind. It was amusing, to watch that tail go up as she stopped suddenly, her ear twitching at some sound or other, then take a bound or two out of sheer energy it seemed. He knew that being an animagus was different than being a werewolf, but from what the lads had told him, being an animal changed one's way of thinking and feeling for a time. It simplified things. Perhaps it was better for her as a deer than as a human. Perhaps that made things a bit more bearable.

Since they weren't approaching the normal way, they didn't go through the front door but instead, hid away from any prying eyes that might be in the lanes of Hogsmeade and entered from the back garden. Fully grown animals had waltzed in and out of the shack before, and today was no different. He simply placed the pile of robes he'd been carrying for her on the sofa so she could change, and left the room.

He sprawled out on the one, semi-usable four-poster bed and when she was human and decent again she joined him, her head to his feet and her feet to his head. They didn't speak, they just lay there for a time, staring up at nothing.

x

"Wormtail," said James, surprised when he entered his office. "What are you doing here?"

"Waiting for you of course."

"Right. Lily here?" he asked tossing the cloak onto the chair and already heading to the bedroom to find her.

"What? We assumed she was with you."

James frowned. Well, the meeting had gone on for much longer than expected, perhaps she got tired of waiting around. Still, she was Head Girl and she needed to know about it, though the staff understood why she hadn't been present. "Right," he said again, grabbing his briefcase. "What did you need, mate?"

"Nuffink. We just came to see how things were, that's all."

"The others are here?" he asked, opening the door and indicating that Peter should go through. Once they were both out of the office, he closed the door and warded it behind him.

"Yeh, Padfoot's down at Lily's and Moony went for a walk."

"Ah, good. Let's go down then."

"How about some food? I'm starved," Peter suggested.  
Come to think of it, he was rather ravenous himself. "Excellent idea. Poppy'll bring us something," he said with assurance.

They entered Lily's sitting room to find one large slumbering dog by the fire and no red-head.

"Wotcher Padfoot!" called Peter, waking the sleeping canine.

He growled and put his head back on his crossed paws, intent on going back to sleep.

"Hey mate, where's Lily and Remus?" James asked. Since this required a verbal answer Sirius was forced to change back into his usual self. He stretched and yawned.

"No idea," he said.

"Poppy!" James called, and the dutiful elf instantly appeared.

"Yes sir?"

"Find Lily and Remus would you? Tell them we're having brunch."

Poppy dipped a curtsey and vanished with a pop only to return again a moment later.

"They is in the Shack in Hogsmeade sir, and says they is on their way."

"Excellent. Do you think you could whip up something for us?"

The house elf's ears twitched in delight. "Of course, sir!" And once again, she was gone.

x

Walking into the castle with students shuffling about and talking in low voices wrought havoc on Lily's nerves. There were a few students who offered their condolences, knowing how close she and Roo had always been, but a fourth year Ravenclaw said outright, "Have you decided to leave yet then?"

Lily blinked. "I beg your pardon?" she asked.

"Well it's obvious, innit? Anytime something bad happens it's related to _you_. If you left, we'd all be safer. So why don't you go back to the muggle world where you belong, mudblood. You aren't worth the trouble." The girl actually spat at her feet and left. Lily was too shocked to deduct points or assign detention, mainly because she felt that the girl was entirely right. If it hadn't been for her, Roo would still be alive. Perhaps she _should_ leave... before anyone else she cared about got hurt.

"Don't even think about it," said Remus from behind her, putting a firm hand on her shoulder. She'd quite forgotten he was there. She shook herself.

"Think about what?" she asked innocently. Remus looked as if he didn't know whether she was faking it or not. Either way, the subject wasn't mentioned again but she _did_ think about it. And knew she would need to think about it a lot more before she came to a decision. Would her removal from Hogwarts make it safer for the students? Or would the attacks merely shift to others?

She'd have to ask James in a way that wouldn't clue him in on what she was planning. Sirius would take her in for a little bit, until she sorted something out. Could she do an independent study? She hated the idea of not taking her N.E.W.T.s even though her muggleborn status probably counted_ against_ her more than her marks counted _for_ her. Still, she wanted to finish her exams, complete her education either way. She'd talk to Dumbledore about it.

"You _are _thinking about it," said Remus with a frown.

Lily grimaced. "Well, she has a point Remus, you have to admit. Vigilance."

"I don't have to admit anything of the kind," he countered. "Because it's nonsense."

"What's nonsense?" asked James, Peter, and Sirius at the same time.

"Nothing," replied Lily and Remus, also at the same time.

Sirius snorted. "Sit down, we were waiting for you to start."

The first thing she did was lift her head and kiss Sirius on the jaw, him being so tall, it was the easiest thing she could reach. "Thank you," she said. She hadn't properly thanked him for staying with her the night before. He seemed to understand that her gratitude wasn't for waiting to eat. Truly, his company last night meant the world to her.

His acknowledgement was nothing more than a slow blink before James took her hand and led her to a place next to his and he began to pile food onto both of their plates.

She ate as the men rather wonderfully insisted on having loud and inappropriate conversations, no doubt to keep her distracted. Dear things. Pity it didn't work. She pretended that it did all the same. When she was thoroughly stuffed she stood and took the remaining bacon to her room.

She made little chirruping sounds, waving the bits of meat around. Nostradamus poked his head out from the bed and cautiously approached, sniffing hopefully.

"That's right," she coaxed, tearing the bacon into more manageable bits for the feline. After noisily consuming her offering, he allowed himself to be scooped up and relocated to the sitting room.

"Picked up another lonely creature have you?" Sirius joked.

"Yes," was her short reply, placing a kiss on its furry head as it verily vibrated in her arms as it purred.

"What's its name?" asked Remus, coming over to scratch the cat behind the ear.

"_His_ name," she said, "is Nostradamus."

"Why'd you name'im that?" asked Peter.

"I didn't. Roo did. Seven years ago when he got him."

Remus stopped scratching and everyone else grew equally and awkwardly still.

Lily smirked a little grimly. "I know you've been carefully avoiding him, but it's okay. You don't have to."

"Are you sure?" asked James. "There are a few things you might want to know that I could tell you.... if... if you're ready."

Lily straightened immediately. "Tell me," she demanded.

James took a deep breath. "Aright. Firstly it was the Draught of Hala hala that was put in his drink—"

"My drink," she corrected coldly.

James nodded. "Your drink," he agreed. Sirius, upon hearing this shot Lily the most painful knowing look. _He_ didn't look pained, but it hurt her to see it. He knew. And what's more he knew she knew. _Halahala._

She thought she could handle this, but she found herself hiding her face in her hands. The gesture might have concealed the tears, but not her shaking shoulders. James rubbed her back consolingly. "Should I not have told you?"

She tried to answer but couldn't, she was too overcome. Luckily, Sirius did it for her.

"That isn't it," he said, and managing to peep through her fingers she saw the others turn to the handsome man, expectant and confused.

Sirius didn't bother to explain however. He just walked over to stand directly in front of her, silently demanding her attention. She wiped her eyes, but continued to stare downwards, more specifically at his patent leathers shoes which were peeking out from his black dress robes with silver trim.

With one hand Sirius lifted her chin, forcing her eyes up.

With the other...

Lily's chin trembled and her eyes filled anew.

With the other, he held the bezoar she had angrily thrown away the night before.

"You'd better take this back," he said, placing the stone in her hand and closing his fingers around it. He then added more quietly, "Looks like it wasn't a waste after all."

She stared at it for a moment. It wouldn't have worked. If she had been there and Rupert had drunk it, he still would have died. If she had tasted it, she would have. _Halahala _was one of the few poisons unaffected by bezoars.

Roo had saved her life.

She reached out and hugged Sirius around the middle, crying into his waistcoat.

x

James watched on, silent and confused. As Sirius patted the back of Lily's head, James shot him a questioning look.

'_Later,'_ his friend mouthed. Clearly something must have happened in the astronomy tower that he didn't know about.

.

They loafed about most of the afternoon, and at one point Sirius managed to sneak away with James for a moment, ostensibly to go to the kitchens, and recounted in part of the significance of _Halahala_, and why it had affected Lily so.

"She'd thought it was just cruel chance he'd taken a drink just at the moment she was gone. You know she carries a bezoar on her at all times for situations like that. She thought had she been there she might have prevented it, that no one had to die. Now she knows differently."

In late afternoon the conversation died down and a sleepy silence filled the room. Lily lay on her back, Nostradamus on her stomach, and her head in James' lap. She stroked the cat, and he stroked her hair.

A knock at the door startled them out of their lazy stupor. Lily might have been asleep for she jerked, gasping slightly at the sound. She realised what it was and groaned.

"Anyone who I would talk to is here, except for Hagrid, and that couldn't possibly be him."

True, James thought. It had been too soft. The half giant had a way of making the walls tremble when he knocked.

All the same, she moved the cat (now _her_ cat?) onto his lap where her head had just been. He pulled a face. It just wasn't the same.

Lily opened the portrait only a crack, just enough to see her visitor.

"Yes?"

"Erm... hi Lily."

James recognised that voice. What was she doing here?

"What is it? Lily asked stiffly.

"Can I come in?"

"No."

For a moment, White didn't say anything. She cleared her throat and James imagined she looked awkward.

"We thought, I mean, we in Gryffindor wanted to ask you to come to the tower. You shouldn't be by yourself."

Lily shifted her weight but said nothing. "A few people from other houses are coming too. Anyone who knew and liked Roo..."

"That'd be the whole school," said Lily, James could perfectly picture the sad smile he knew was on her face.

"And Colum has gone to ask Professor Potter," White added.

_Oops_. He'd missed Davies. Oh well, he found out about it anyway

"You should come."

"I..." She hesitated. "I will. Thank you for inviting me."

"Coming up now? Or..."

"I'll be up in a minute."

There must have been a silent gesture, a nod or a wave, because the next sound was the portrait hole easing shut and Lily sighing.

"You will come, won't you?" she asked hopefully.

"Of course," he replied, pushing off from his knees and standing up, forcing the cat to either move or fall to the floor.

Nostradamus, once he realised he was no longer welcome and being displaced, leapt to the floor and then up to the table, immediately starting to lick his paw, acting as if he didn't want to sit in a lap anymore anyway. '_And what a rubbishy lap it was,_' he seemed to say by the way he was now pointedly ignoring James.

That's why James liked dogs. Much easier to get along with.

The Gryffindor Common Room was already packed before they got there but Lily's housemates made room. The fireplace wasn't lit, but before each and every one of them was a burning candle for remembrance.

Minerva was also in attendance for a time.

Everyone took turns telling their own 'Roo stories'. Everyone but Lily, whom after each tale the room looked at expectantly. Still, she never offered to recount one of her own. Mostly she stayed silent, listening to the others and stroking Nostradamus, whom she insisted on taking with her.

They'd been there an hour, maybe two, when the feline suddenly darted away, dashing into the crowd. Lily cried "No Nostradamus! Come back!" She frantically stood and tried to look for him. "Nostradamus? Nostradamus!"

The others in the room looked at her oddly, this being the first thing she'd said all evening.

James grabbed her arm to pull her back to her seat on the carpeted floor next to him. "He'll be fine, heart. Probably off hunting or relieving himself or something. Come on, sit back down," he whispered.

"But what if he gets lost?" she asked, still searching the room fruitlessly for the feline.

'He's been at Hogwarts for years; he can find his way home."

"But... but..."

"Shh... come on, love. He's okay. It's alright."

He finally coaxed her to sit back down and for another hour, she fell still and quiet. Davies had been speaking, he and the rest of the quidditch team had done most of the talking. Now he was looking over at them.

"Lily," prodded Davies. James wasn't certain if they had always used first names or if the formalities had simply been dropped for the occasion. "You knew him best. Say something."

"He was truly the best friend anyone could have," she began. Actually, that appeared to be all she would say. Davies' smile was tight but understanding. No doubt they wanted something with a bit more substance. Examples of why he had been the best friend anyone could have.

"I'll say something," James offered. Davies looked surprised, but nodded thankfully all the same. Lily too looked up wonderingly. "The first strong memory I have of Rupert Ferris is in St. Mungo's, glaring at me over the hospital bed of his best friend. That was the first, but hardly the last time. Rupert Ferris was loyal, above all things. Loyal to his house, to the cause, to his friends, to his word. When Hogwarts needed a new Head Boy, he had the courage to step up and take responsibility. Ferris was someone one could count on to be there in a time of need, as I have good reason to know. His magical abilities made him a great wizard. His understanding, his kindness, his tactfulness and his consideration made him a truly great person. One I will never forget."

He nodded at everyone and sat back down. Many of those in the room had tears in their eyes, and for the first time since before entering Gryffindor Tower, Lily was crying too. Not sobbing, or wailing, but letting tears fall from wide green eyes.

Once he settled himself back down in his place she leaned over and rested her head on his shoulder. A few people noticed but said nothing. Davies smiled a little grimly at him, nodding once. White looked over then resolutely looked away again. Right at this moment, the priority wasn't secrecy but closure. While he had hoped she would gain some by coming here, James didn't think it had done her any good at all. She still felt removed, outside of everything, not really there.

James sighed. He desperately wanted to do something but had no idea what. Short of bringing back Ferris, there didn't seem to be anything that would help.

"I have to go," Lily whispered after a while. "Patrol with Flitwick."

"We can get a replacement for you," he said. He saw her moving to stand and he jumped up quickly so he could help her to her feet.

"Why bother someone else when I'm already up and willing?"

James shrugged one shoulder before turning around to the rest of the room to address them loudly.

"Alright everyone, it's far past curfew. It's time everyone returned to their dorms. I'll escort Ravenclaw back to the tower and Hufflepuffs go with Lily to the dungeons."

There was some mumbling and shuffling but eventually all but the Gryffindors trickled out of the portrait hole one by one. The group was mulling in the corridor, obediently waiting to be walked to their dorms, eerily lit by the hovering candlelight.

After he'd taken the Ravenclaws back to where they belonged he returned to Lily's rooms.

The lads were no longer there.

He did report cases in bed until she returned from her rounds. When she entered the room she pulled off her robes, silently slid into bed and curled up next to him, cuddling close and closing her eyes. James finished the line he was working on, placed parchment and quill on the nightstand and extinguished all the lights but Rupert Ferris' two candles.

x

Roo again. They were strolling about in the forest. It was snowing and as they walked their footfalls made pleasant crunching sounds. He was talking animatedly about something for a while but soon they fell into a companionable silence. She looked away into the forest, watching a bird flit about from one branch to another, but when she turned back to Roo he was gone. Worried, she spun on the spot, looking around to find where he'd gone. He was nowhere to be seen. It was as if he'd just vanished.

"Roo?" she called.

No answer.

"Roo!" she shouted again.

Still, no answer, not a sound, not from anything. It was dead quiet. "ROO!" she cried. She began to panic, her heart thudding wilding and her ears began to buzz.

"Lily!"

The voice was far off and muffled.

"Lily!" it called again.

Someone was shaking her. She started awake, finding herself in bed with James leaning over her, his hands gripping her shoulders.

"Roo?"

She didn't know why she said it, she knew he wasn't there, but the dream felt so real, as if Roo really had just been with her.

James shook his head slowly.

Lily rushed from the bed, wondering how many nights she would dream of him, and how many mornings she would vomit when she realised he wasn't with her anymore.

.

Lily wished she hadn't gone to the funeral. It had started off well enough, as well as a funeral can start, anyway. She'd sat next to Colum Davies, who along with the rest of the Gryffindor team, wore their Quidditch robes in honour of the team and housemate. Roo was also dressed the same way, with his Head Boy badge pinned onto the front.

It was the first time she'd seen him since she left him at the table in the Three Broomsticks.

His death was suddenly a very physical reality. Not until she saw him lying there did it hit her. She'd known he was gone, that she would never see him again. But now she _was_ seeing him again, but he wasn't there.

She couldn't do it. She looked away after only a brief look. It was too hard. She stared at the ground the rest of the time.

It was terrible, all of it. Alice Hart was there, looking just as grief-stricken as Lily felt. She remembered thinking that it would have been better if Alice had succeeded in her scheme of making Roo hate her, because then he wouldn't have been in Hogsmeade with her. A Roo that hated her was better than no Roo at all.

Worst of all was listening to his parents. It was clear they despised her, held her to blame. She did too. She'd heard them saying that they knew no one would want to kill their boy, that they knew he wasn't the target, which made the whole thing so unbearable.

She'd spent a good bit of time at Roo's house during holidays before her parents died but they'd stopped asking her over. She'd liked his parents but now they wouldn't even look at her, and even refused to hear her apology. Roo's little sister Evie had even hit her, hard, in the leg before running off to hide behind her mother, who pretended not to have noticed.

That did it.

She burst into tears and ran to the castle, leaving Hagrid behind and not answering when he called her back.

"Vigilance!" she sobbed at her portrait, and stumbled in when it opened. She crossed to her bedroom, took out her spelled school bag and shouted, "pack!"

Several things she wasn't sure she'd need or not flew in the magically expanded bag and she fastened it shut. It would have to do.

"Poppy!" she called. In an instant the house-elf appeared.

"Yes, miss?"

"Poppy, could you do me a favour?" she asked.

"Anything, miss!"

.

Apparating oneself is uncomfortable enough. Being squeezed through an elf-sized portal was indescribably painful for someone much larger. A full sized Lily found herself being stretched, squeezed, compressed through Poppy's opening through space and it was a very tight fit. The moment they arrived Lily didn't even look around. The first thing she did was collapse to the ground, gasping for breath. Once she recovered her breath and the pain started to ebb away she stretched, feeling with both pain and relief most of the bones in her body pop as she flexed her muscles and elongated her body to its maximum length, as opposed to the foetal position she'd been huddled in.

It was raining heavily at Spinner's End, unlike at Hogwarts. Still, she didn't get up.

The playground in which she had romped as a child had changed a bit. In fact, the birch tree she had once been so desperate to swing in? on? was now nothing but a stump immediately to her right. To her left remained the swings, from which she had flown for the first time.

Sighing, she closed her eyes. "Thank you, Poppy. That will be all."

x

Severus was scowling, as was natural for him. Ostensibly, the reason he did his shopping in the muggle world with muggle money in muggle shops was to maintain a low profile. There wasn't a warrant out for him yet (that he knew of) but enough people knew of his allegiances to make wandering in wizarding public unwise. There was another, less practical reason, and that was simply because, whether he liked it or not, it was what he was accustomed to.

Walking back to his ramshackle house, he passed through the now thinning woods, as per usual. Also by habit, he glanced to his right to see the lonely playground.

Only, it wasn't so lonely. Unless his eyes were playing cruel tricks on him, someone was out there, in the rain, lying on the ground. Someone with uncomfortably familiar red hair. But surely she wouldn't... No. It wasn't even noon on a weekday, she'd be in school.

Still, his feet led him over. The closer he drew the more certain he became that it truly was Lily Evans. He put down his sack of comestibles and approached silently so as not to disturb her, coming so close that he actually sat on the stump not a yard from her.

She remained there, her hands resting on her stomach, seemingly unconcerned, or perhaps even unaware, of the falling rain.

She must have sensed his presence, for she cracked open one eye to look at him. He'd wondered what her reaction would be. Alarm? Surprise? Out of all the possible reactions he'd imagined, she defied his expectations by not reacting at all. She simply closed her eye again sighed, turning her face back to the sky.

x

"Why didn't you tell me? Before I went to Hogwarts..." she asked quietly, somehow feeling so much better with Severus' silent presence there with her.

"Tell you what?"

"That I was a mudblood."

Severus didn't flinch or scold her for her language. He simply answered the question as if this was the most normal thing in the world. Who knew? Perhaps it was. "I told you that it was unusual, for a witch to be born from non-magical parents," he defended calmly.

"Yes, but you made me think I was _special_!" she snarled. "I thought... I thought..."

She actually had to laugh at herself for what she thought. If Severus was surprised that she suddenly started giggling, he didn't show it. He merely raised an inquisitive yet condescending eyebrow. "I thought that _I_ was pure. My magic was mine, and only mine. I didn't get it from my parents or anyone else. I thought it untainted by anything. _Pure_. Can you believe that? I thought _I_ was _pure_." She started laughing again. And crying.

"That's why the hat put me in Gryffindor, you know," she said once she'd calmed down. "If I weren't a mudblood, I'd have been in your house, Severus."

"Why are you here?" he asked evenly.

"I didn't have anywhere else to go," she answered, closing her eyes again. It was probably a bit on the dramatic side as far as statements went, but she felt it was mostly true. She didn't have a home, as such. She didn't feel as if she could stay in the castle, she couldn't put Petunia in danger by going to her, and the house she'd grown up in was now owned by someone else. "It's like... like my mind is a storage room. And then something happens, knocking everything out of place and onto the floor in one big mess. And I want to put everything back again but I don't know where anything goes because I wasn't paying attention and now I'm just... lost in my own head." She sniffled, and whispered, "I don't know what to do."

She turned onto her side, her back towards him and curled in on herself. The dead grass beneath her face was both prickly and soggy.

Severus grunted. "Get up," he said ordered.

She sat up and looked at him. He was standing, and for the first time she noticed that he had his shopping with him, and it was no doubt getting wet. The water made his hair even limper, sticking to his head worse than it already did. Following his example, she stood, walking behind him a pace or two as he billowed off.

Through the woods they came upon their old street. Severus didn't stop but continued down to the last lonely house on the row. Lily was incredulous. He still lived there? In his hated father's house? She paid careful attention as he took down the wards to let them in. They were so impressive, intricately done and masterfully maintained. She was proud of him, in an odd way. She'd always known he was a powerful wizard, and she had always looked up to him, but something about walking passed the dismantled wards and watching them be re-erected was academically stimulating, and made her feel like a young girl again, mesmerized by the older more powerful wizard and all he could do and all he could teach her.

"Do they tickle?" she asked.

He opened the door swiftly. "Get in," he commanded, not answering her question, all the while looking carefully around. Lily suddenly grew nervous. She was comfortable walking into the house of the Death Eater, because that Death Eater was Severus. What discomfited her was contemplating what would happen if anyone else saw. If anyone, from either side, should know she was there, they were both in trouble.

The door shut immediately behind her of its own accord as soon as she passed through it. Severus had already disappeared into the kitchen. She'd only been in the house three times before, but she remembered the first room on the left.

"You can do wandless magic?" she asked.

"Still full of questions, I see," he sneered. Still, Lily smiled.

"I haven't changed," she admitted.

Severus paused, looking her up and down. "Yes you have."

She shrugged. "Not in essentials."

He blinked. "Tickle?" Only Severus Snape could make the world 'tickle' sound like a death threat.

"The wards," she clarified. "They're nicely done. Do they tickle?" Unconsciously, she squirmed, feeling her own.

"No," he answered curtly.

"Just curious," she said. She'd never done the kind that protected his house, but she could physically feel the inimicus and the ones she'd cast in the forest. She knew that these were an actual barrier, similar to those at the gates of Hogwarts.

"Is anyone likely to stop by?" she asked anxiously. She didn't want to meet any of his Death Eater friends.

"I don't keep company."

Lily couldn't help but laugh a little. "You haven't changed either, then."

Realising she was dripping, she dried herself off.

"_You _do wandless magic?" he asked. She hadn't realised she hadn't taken out her wand. Some things were becoming simpler and simpler. She crossed her arms and scowled at him, in perfect imitation of his own frown and crossed arms. She'd done that as a girl too. Imitating Severus and his angry facial expressions had amused her and annoyed him to no end. "I asked you first," she pointed out.

He grunted again, and went to pour water from the (surprisingly electric) kettle into a teapot. He used muggle appliances? This discovery pleased her. It reminded her of her own former home only a few houses away. She looked around the kitchen and saw other muggle things, a toaster, a microwave, a refrigerator. They had been there when his parents were alive, but she had assumed it was because his father hadn't allowed magic in the house.

He didn't answer her question, just as she didn't answer his. It wasn't necessary, because they both already knew.

The tea poured itself and the cup hovered over to her. Gingerly, she wrested the cup from the invisible hands that seemed to hold it, and cradled it in her palms, enjoying the warmth emanating from it. Severus apparently didn't use central heating.

x

"Hagrid, where's Lily?" James asked, looking around for the redhead.

"Back up at the castle," replied the half-giant.

"Already? Isn't she going to the interment?"

"I reckon no'. No' after wha' 'appened."

James frowned. "Why? What happened?"

"Rupert's family didn't 'xactly take kindly to 'er."

"Ah." James gaze found the castle, imaging her barricaded in her room. Yes, he might have expected that, after the way Mr. and Mrs. Ferris reacted night before last in Dumbledore's office. Clearly she had decided not to attend. Not many people did, only his family and his closest friends, sparing Lily.

"Thanks Hagrid," said James, putting a hand on the larger man's forearm. He was about to head towards the castle himself when he remembered and turned back around. "Oh, Hagrid, might you do me a favour?"

"'Course," he replied, shrugging his shoulders to resettle the giant multi-pocketed coat around him.

"Bring Lily round for supper tonight? Sirius and I are off to Azkaban and I don't want—"

"Roight," interrupted Hagrid with a sad smile. "I'll look after 'er."

"Thank you, Hagrid." He shook the half-giant's hand in both of his and left.

.

She wasn't in her rooms. He thought of checking his own or the astronomy tower but decided to send Poppy instead.

"Poppy?"

The elf appeared.

"Do you know where Lily is?"

Poppy nodded. "Poppy took her to a park, sir."

"You took her to a park?" he repeated, confused.

"Yes sir. The park of her childhood, she says. Miss was very sad." The elf's ears drooped upon admitting this.

"Yes, I know, Poppy. Will you go to her? Just stay there, don't leave her for any reason. If there seems to be any danger, any at all—"

"I will help her, master."

"Thanks." He lifted his chin at her. "Off you go."

She disappeared with a crack and James sat down on the sofa with a sigh. He removed his glasses and rubbed his face with a hand. After a moment he said, "Well I'm not getting anything done here." He stood and clapped his hands together smartly. "Right then. I have a Cleansweep to find."

x

Making certain that no one else was present, the man in dark robes approached the grave.

"I suppose I ought to thank you," he said to the tombstone. He turned the bouquet of lilies and petunias in his gloved hands a few times before placing it on the freshly dug earth then shoved his hands in his pockets. He turned away to leave but took only a few steps before he stopped. Not looking back he said quietly, "I owe you one Ferris... Rupert Ferris," and silently strode away.

x

Severus hardly knew how to treat her, so he just sat with her in silence as they sipped cup after cup of tea. It would have been awkward had she been expecting something of him, or if he had been expecting something of her, but neither had any designs, motives, or plans other than just sitting there.

"I suppose I don't have to tell you that Roo's dead," she said, breaking the long quiet.

"No."

More silence.

Lily drained the rest of her tea and stared at the bottom of the cup, turning it in her hands and inspecting the soggy tea leaves from different angles. "I was never any great shakes at divination," she admitted. Squinting, she added, "looks like mush to me." She put the cup on the table and looked down at her hands.

Severus scourgified the vessels and sent them flying back to the cupboard, still studying the girl before him.

"Who was it?" Her voice was a low raspy whisper, but he could feel the venom through her words. He knew that tone. He'd heard it often enough. The sound of a dry throat, thirsty for revenge.

"What good will that knowledge do you?" he asked evenly.

"I'd put it to use," she said fiercely, then looked up to him. 'Tell me."

He shook his head. "No."

Lily slammed her hand down onto the table. "Damn it Severus! He killed Roo! He _killed_ Roo!... trying to kill me. How can you protect him?" she shouted rising from her chair. A moment later something flashed across her face and she deflated, wilting into her seat. "I forgot you're a Death Eater," she said sadly.

Severus felt lanced. She hadn't said it angrily, or insultingly, merely stating a point of fact, and yet he could feel her disappointment in him. Something he'd never felt tugged at his chest. As a child she had looked up to him unconditionally. He could do nothing wrong in her eyes. He knew he had fallen off that pedestal two years ago, but in those two years he'd imagined her hating him, resenting him. Somehow that was easier. Severus was used to being hated. He could handle that. But disappointment?

"He's already dead."

Her entire body froze apart from her head, which snapped up a moment later. "Dead?"

Severus nodded.

"How?"

"A taste of his own medicine."

She stared up at him with that wide green stare, a shade he had once associated with innocence, and orbs he'd always seen as childish. They were anything but childish now. They were disturbingly penetrating. Unable to hold her gaze he stood up and strode to the sink, looking out the window. It was still raining.

"_You_ did it," she breathed. As proficient an occlumens as he was, somehow the girl had still seen the truth. He didn't confirm or deny it, and didn't turn around. He just felt her eyes boring into his back and wished he had something to do with his hands.

x

Lily silently stood, and slowly moved toward him, staring at the black clad man in wonder. He really _had_ done it. The fact that he hadn't denied the fact only confirmed it. And because he was refusing to look at her revealed why.

She had her revenge. Lily didn't feel that it had been taken from her, rather it had been taken _for_ her. Severus had done it for her, for _her_. There was no doubt in her mind about that. They were on opposite sides of the war, and yet despite all, they were still on the same team. How was that even possible?

She loved James, Remus, Sirius, Peter and Hagrid. But Lily knew that Severus' loyalty was indeed a rare and true thing.

Perhaps it was that train of thought that led her to hug him. She nearly got her nose broken for it too. Severus wasn't used to hugs from behind, or from the front... or at all for that matter. He wasn't used to affection full stop, and her gesture caused him to throw up his elbow in defence, wincing away from the contact.

Once he realised he wasn't being assaulted he relaxed (but only slightly.) He was still stiff, but she didn't let go. She was too grateful, to incapable of thanking him any other way. While it was obvious he was uncomfortable with the embrace, she was certain he'd be even more comfortable with a long sentimental conversation. But what about just three little words? It was always difficult to say, but didn't Severus deserve to hear it?

Had she ever said it before? She might have as a girl, but she couldn't remember.

"_I love you_," she said, testing it out.

He stilled. Perhaps he had quit breathing; that seemed to be his only movement until then. Now it had stopped. She held for a little longer before releasing him, to his apparent relief.

Lily cleared her throat and stepped away. Severus was still ignoring her.

"Loo," she said, and left the room to give them both some space. Once out in the hall, she felt the cold again, and sucked in the cool air in one massive gulp.

She'd never been good at saying "I love you," but at least she had done it. And as she walked down the corridor she saw a bundle of herbs hanging from a doorframe, knotgrass, she felt that he had said it back.

x

"Sirius!" James called to the mirror in his hand. He waited for a moment or two before his friend's face appeared, replacing his own reflection.

"Prongs," he greeted solemnly.

"You ready?"

Sirius frowned and looked down, no doubt fishing out his pocket watch to check the time. "I thought we weren't on till seven," he said.

"We are. I thought you could come by the castle first. I've got pages upon pages of notes here I need help sorting through before we go."

"I'll apparate directly."

"Thanks. Are Moony and Wormtail about? The more heads the better on this."

"Wormtail's at work. Moony should be at the flat. I'll stop by and let him know."

"Thanks."

James replaced the mirror and checked his own watch. Four o'clock.

He'd spent the late morning and early afternoon pursuing leads in the Ferris murder.

James winced at calling it that. He'd known the boy and now he was 'a case' just like the Collins murder, or the Burrows murders or the Hatry-Brown case.

Still, it hadn't been a fruitless enterprise. Once he'd thought to do it, he'd interviewed the house elves, to see if they'd noticed anyone leaving the castle the morning of the murder. He didn't doubt that an elf's witness wouldn't hold up in the wizengamot, but James trusted them and it gave him a much stronger step to go on. Once he knew who he was looking for (one or two of the elves had mentioned Malachi Monkshood, the very same boy whom Slughorn had tried to defend for being out of his room the night of the murder) it was an easier matter to go collect the memories from Rosmerta and a few others there. Once inside the pensieve (yet again inadmissible evidence, but James didn't care) it was a simple matter to watch the entire scene, looking specifically for the moment the boy slipped something into the drink while the bar-mistress wasn't watching and everyone was distracted by their own conversations.

James had scoured the castle for the boy, but didn't find him, cursing angrily yet again that he'd lost the Marauder's Map. Still, he saw no sign of the cleansweep he knew (from discreet inquiry) the boy owned and an inspection of his room in Slytherin (underneath the invisibility cloak, of course) failed to give any sign of him.

No doubt Monkshood had never returned to the school, otherwise Lily would have surely felt him coming back across the wards.

Lily.

There was another one who hadn't returned. He knew she would come back in an instant if she felt something in the wards, but until then he didn't know how long she'd be gone. Gone, but not alone this time. James had pretty much resigned himself that whenever she got upset she would go off by herself rather than come to him, but this time he had Poppy tailing her. James' confidence in the elf had risen so high since the dungeon incident, and he trusted her with his life, and more importantly, with Lily's.

He'd given his report to the Headmaster and to Minerva McGonagall, so they could take steps to look out for the boy should he return. He also reported to Moody via the floo in Dumbledore's office. It had been a quick and tidy investigation, even if there were a few holes. James still hadn't found the cleansweep, and still had no solid evidence. But he knew who he was looking for and if Monkshood was ever found he could be taken and questioned and that would put an end to it.

James sat in front of the fire in Lily's sitting room, the work table before him covered in parchment. _Lily's notes_.

There were so many. Countless times he'd seen her poring over Euphrates' things, jotting down things that had occurred to her as they pertained to the soon-to-be-Kissed vampire in Azkaban. He didn't know it had amounted to this massive pile of parchment. He'd definitely need help organising and going through it all without Lily there. Some of the questions he came across he didn't understand, or they were only half formed, or just one word. No doubt it made sense to Lily but James didn't know what to make of it.

The portrait hole swung open, admitting Remus and Sirius, both of whom greeted him with thin smiles.

"Thanks lads, for helping me with this. Lily's gone so I'm at a bit of a loss with this."

Sirius immediately grabbed a leaf of parchment at random while Remus frowned and asked. "Where is she gone?"

James shrugged. "A park."

"So she's not coming to Azkaban?" interjected Sirius, who didn't take his eyes off the page he was reading.

"No. She never was."

At this Sirius _did_ look up. "I thought she was assigned to go with us. Moody and Dumbledore said so."

"Yes but... I think it best if she didn't."

Sirius' eyes narrowed disapprovingly at him. "_You_ thought it best?"

"Don't look at me like that. You didn't see her the last time she came back from there. Are you forgetting about her curse?"

"You never determined if that was because of the curse or not," said Sirius. "You refused to test it."

"Of course I did!" James shouted angrily. "She already agreed she wasn't coming anyway."

Both Remus and Sirius looked at him disbelievingly. "I can't see her saying that," said Remus.

"Well, she didn't say it precisely like that. But she admitted that it would be pointless for her to show up only to pass out."

"Sounds like she was thinking of coming up with a way to get around it," said Sirius. "Not that she was agreeing not to go."

"She said she'd give me a list of questions and things to make note of. She spoke of watching it in a pensieve, to see if she reacted the same way to the dementors even if it was just in a memory. Seriously lads, I don't think she planned on going, and even if she did she certainly doesn't want to now so let's just leave it and get started with this, eh?"

Half an hour later, Sirius asked, "What does she mean, by _LRS_, she uses it half a dozen times here."

"Dunno. Any clue what this is?" said James, holding up a chart with figures. "Moony, you did arithmancy."

Remus took it and frowned. "The matrices are pretty much straightforward, but without the original equation I have no idea what it means. See this? It's pretty much a yes or no projection, but there's no telling what the question was."

"What was the answer?" James asked.

"No."

Sirius snorted. "Fat lot of good that does. How about tea? I'm hungry."

"Right. Poppy?" James called.

There was no response. He frowned. "Poppy!"

Still the elf didn't come.

"Where the devil is—Oh. Right."

"Elfin disobedience?" asked Sirius. "Surely that's a clothing offense," he joked.

"She's not being disobedient. I told her not to leave Lily no matter what. Not even if I call her, apparently," he said with a grin.

"That's a good girl," Sirius chuckled, lighting a cigarette. He flicked the used match into the fireplace. "I'm still hungry though."

James grimaced. "Right. Lettie?"

The demure Potter elf appeared, dipping a curtsey.

"Tea service, if you please," he asked, not looking at her. She disappeared with a crack.

He much preferred Poppy. Lettie made him feel guilty. Lettie reminded him of home.

Sirius and Remus pounced on the sandwiches when they arrived.

An hour later they called it quits. James was going to his office to collect a few things, his authorisation to watch the Kiss, for one. Remus left to return to London and Sirius remained waiting in the Head Girl's sitting room.

x

Sirius sat awaiting his friend's return when Lily entered. Stormed in, rather.

"Cariad, you're back."

"Obviously," she drawled, very much like Sirius would himself.

His eyes landed on the broken broomstick she carried, then widened upon seeing the make.

"Is that..."

"Are you really going to ask questions?" she asked with a glare. Sirius studied her and the cleansweep. The implication was inescapable. What did he really need to ask?

He shook his head. "No," he answered.

"Good." The broken broomstick halves were immediately thrown in the fire. She watched them burn with angry satisfaction, helped along, Sirius suspected, with her own magic. It wouldn't have been incinerated so quickly otherwise.

James came in a moment later, surprised to see her.

"You're back," he said, quickly crossing the room and leaning over to kiss her forehead.

"I am," she answered, far more kindly to James than she had to him. "And I'm ready to go," she said, summoning something from her bedroom. A brown leather sack full of something. It looked like a drinking skin.

"Go?"

"To Azkaban. To watch the Kiss," she said, waving a hand to the table and tidying her notes nicely. A neat flick of her wrist brought directly to her two pages they hadn't managed to get to. She folded them neatly, put them in her pocket and turned to the door. "Coming?" she asked.

"Wait wait wait. You can't go. The dementors. The necklace, the c—curse," James sputtered.

"I'm not cursed anymore," she said evenly.

"What?" asked James.

"I'm. Not. Cursed. Anymore," she repeated clearly. "Haven't been for some time. Ever since I woke up in the Hospital Wing after Dover. I only realised the other night when I was locked away in the dungeons, because in the silence I couldn't hear it whispering to me anymore. I couldn't feel it," she said, pushing a palm into her chest.

"How can you suddenly be _un_cursed?" asked Sirius.

"The stone," she replied. "I think, anyway. When he touched his stone to my face, when he gave me some of that man's life, the man whose life he stole. He gave it to me and sort of... I don't know... made up the difference for the life the curse took away before." She shrugged. "I'm not cursed anymore. And I'm ready to go, so let's."

James blinked for a time, taking it all in. "You're really not—you're no longer..."

"No. If you want proof you'll get it in Azkaban. I doubt I'll feel dragged down and pass out this time around. I think it was only the death curse that did it. Unless I'm much weaker than I think I am."

"You're not..." James repeated, still a bit dumbfounded. The stupid incredulous expression slowly changed into a goofy smile. "Yes!" he cried victorious, punching the air. "Yes! Yes, fuck yes!" He hugged her tightly, and picked her up off the ground to swing her in a circle before putting her down again. "This is... this is wonderful!"

Sirius could tell she tried hard to smile for James' benefit, but it was tight and forced.

"We have more important things to think about," she said. "If you two are both ready," she said, not finishing the sentence but simply leaving through the portrait hole. James looked after her, incredulous but delighted.

"Seems like a few hours in that park did her a world of good. She seems better, doesn't she, Padfoot?"

"Much," he answered. Following James out the portrait hole, Sirius knew the broken cleansweep would forever remain a secret.

.

x (an hour or two earlier at Spinner's End) x

.

"Abbysinian shrivelfig," said Lily, who was now seated in an armchair in the sitting room, eating a ham sandwich.

Severus, across from her, thought for a moment before saying, "Mugwart."

"Mugwart," Lily repeated, trying to think. She needed to think of a potion that contained both the Abbissinian shrivelfig _and_ Mugwart, and name another ingredient in the brew. Of course, she might bluff and say something that _might_ be correct, but if Severus called her on it and she couldn't name the potion she had in mind, he would win. Not only would he win, but he would gloat. And she couldn't have that.

"Murtlap," she said confidently.

"Pomegranate," he said, annoyingly fast. He'd always been better at this game but not once had he _ever_ gone easy on her or let her win. Of course it had been years since they played and she had improved leaps and bounds. It just bothered her that he was still better.

"Valerian," she said at last.

Severus smirked (_smirked!_) at her. "_Origanum dictamnus,"_ he drawled.

"Damn," she swore under her breath. She knew the Cretan herb was used only in 'love' potions but she'd never seriously studied them before. She had thought them impractical and non-academic. It wasn't as if she had never pursued non-academic things before, but there was a part of her younger self that was embarrassed to read about love potions, because she was afraid people would think she needed to brew one. Silly, yes, but she had been a silly child, as most children are. She knew that Valerian had a soporific effect, and that _originam dictamus_ was an aphrodisiac. She had a fair guess what kind of potion Severus was thinking. One a respectable witch or wizard never needed to brew, that's for certain.

"Give up?" he asked, clearly pleased with himself.

"Absolutely not. I just need a few moments to think that's all," she spat bitterly.

The conceited smirk remained as he crossed his arms behind his head. "Take your time," he said arrogantly.

"_Prat_," she mumbled.

He must have heard because he chuckled. Just once, just _once_ she wished he'd let her win. No, not let her win. Just once she wished she could best him fair and square. That would be even better.

Suddenly his face turned serious, like a dark shadow passing over his features.

"Severus?" she asked.

He stayed quiet for a moment longer, his long steepled fingers pressed against his lips in thought.

"You," he said at last. "Seem to attract a lot of attention."

She tilted her head to the side, confused. "Huh?"

"Why is it that every Death Eater inside the school has tried to kill you? They haven't been specifically ordered to, so why do they do it? What have you done to make so many enemies with the wrong people?"

She smiled sourly. "I made the very poor decision to be born of muggle parents," she replied.

"Indeed unwise of you, but you aren't alone. Why you over the others?"

"Pollina Abbot was killed earlier this year. And they tried for Shannon Isaacs, but she left."

"Clever girl. Must have been a Ravenclaw."

"She was, as a matter of fact."

"Leaving was too sensible for the Gryffindor it seems," he sneered.

"Some others of my house might say that _running away _is too cowardly for a Gryffindor. However I had nowhere else to go," she retorted. Never mind that she wouldn't have left anyway.

Severus ignored this point. "The fact remains that you have been targeted specifically, repeatedly. Think. What have you done? Why you?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe they're just jealous I've got better marks than they have," she joked. This however made Severus think.

"They might be, at that."

She scowled at him. "You aren't seriously suggesting they want to kill me because I outperformed them on our O.W.L.s?"

Severus shook his head. "No, but it might be hard for them to convince people that muggleborns are inferior when the cleverest and most powerful witch in the year is a muggleborn."

"Hmm." She'd never thought about it that way before. Then something occurred to her that she was almost afraid to mention. She had to though. If not now, she never would and couldn't learn any other way.

"Erm... And... are there any others waiting in the wings that I need to watch out for?"

He stared, or perhaps that was glared, at her for a minute. Both of them knew she had just asked him to reveal the identities of his fellow Death Eaters. His lips were pressed together in a fine line.

"There _is_ something you can do," he said, not really answering her question.

"What?" she asked. Severus looked like he was in pain, fighting with himself whether or not to say what was on his mind.

"Dante de Beaulieu," he said finally. "He's selected to join the Dark Lord's ranks when he graduates."

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"Stop him."

"Stop him?" she asked. "How? And why are you of all people saying this?"

"The boy doesn't want to be, that's obvious, but he's too afraid to say no. He needs to know there are other choices."

"You mean _better_ choices?" Lily asked, almost acerbically.

Severus pursed his lips. "Better choices," he allowed. "If he had the protection of the Headmaster..."

"I see."

"The boy has no parents."

"Like me?" she jabbed again, reminding him that his lot was responsible for that situation.

Severus refused to let her get to him. "Like you," he agreed evenly. "And me. To someone who has nowhere else to go, no other prospects, the Dark Lord's offers can seem rather welcoming. The boy is too weak. He won't last. I can assure you he'll be dead within the year."

"So will many other people, Severus. You aren't doing anything to try and spare _them_. Quite the reverse." People were being killed every day in this war by Death Eaters like him. However, he refused to point out that he had tried (several times) and succeeded (several times) to spare _her_.

"You refuse to help him?" he asked finally.

"No, of course I'll do what I can," she said. He nodded as if he'd always known she would. She had just been trying to make him feel guilty. It hadn't worked. Not that she could see.

"This is the moment where I have to point out the possibility that you are only using me to get one of your own in my circle," she said almost sarcastically.

"He doesn't have the mark yet," he told her.

"Well he wouldn't, would he? If you were trying to convince the Order that he really wasn't one."

Severus' jaw clenched. "I'm not saying he has to join your little _'Order_,' he said, giving the last word an excessive amount of disdain. "Just get him out of the Dark Lord's pocket and make him feel protected."

Lily softened, wondering if Severus had felt that alone and vulnerable when he left school. No doubt he had. "I'm sorry," she apologised. "That was uncalled for. I trust you. I'll do what I can for Dante," she assured him.

x

Did he even deserve her trust? Or her love? Whether he did or not they were gifts he would never betray.

"Severus? Could you do something for me?" she asked.

"Anything," he replied, and immediately wanted to obliviate her for having heard it, and beat himself over the head for having said it in the first place. How was it that he could occlude his mind and watch his tongue in front of the most powerful and feared wizard of the age, and yet around this one girl the most appallingly honest things fell out of his mouth?

"I was wondering if you might take me to my parents' graves. I haven't visited them since the funeral."

Considering all that he was willing to do for her, this seemed a trifle. "Of course," he said nodding, and rose to his feet. They left the house; Severus disillusioned both himself and Lily just in case and they walked to the point Severus always used for apparition and stopped.

"They're buried in—"

"I know where they are," he told her firmly. He'd paid his respects to Mr and Mrs. Evans more than once.

Her eyes glistened as they looked up at him. Discomfited, he turned away.

"I can't apparate without your lot knowing. They'll see if we go somewhere together. It has to be side along."

Severus hadn't known the Dark Lord could track apparition, but didn't let it show. He wasn't really surprised by this fact though. The Dark Lord kept the identities of his Death Eaters in different cells secret, their activities as well. He knew there were several cells in the ministry, but never really knew what they were doing until they bragged about it to their Master at meetings, but it was a rare thing for him to call all of his Death Eaters together at the same time. Even those closest to the Dark Lord didn't know exactly how many followers he had.

"Very well," he said stiffly, taking a step towards her but no farther. If she was going to use him for apparition she could come and cling to him, not the other way around. Lily didn't seem at all concerned at being the one to step in; unconcerned, unafraid, unaffected, and unashamed of how tightly she held on to him.

Severus couldn't say the same, so said nothing as he spun on the spot and apparated them away.

.

Severus kept watch, keeping an eye on her as she sat on the grave, but remained out of earshot. She didn't take long, perhaps a quarter of an hour. When she was finished she stood, brushing her robes free from dirt and her cheeks from tears. She went directly to him and wrapped her arms around him as easily as if he were... He didn't know. _Not_ a greasy Death Eater, maybe. He didn't think he'd ever get used to it. When he finally remembered himself, he turned in place, taking them back to thinning woods by the park.

He half expected her to announce she was going back to the castle, but she surprised him by wanting to go back inside. He followed her this time, watched her as she grinned mischievously as she took down his wards herself. Severus shook his head and made a mental note to change the wards when she left.

.

They talked about Transfiguration, Charms, Potions, Herbology (she said she was going to ask the Headmaster if she could do an independent study to allow her to sit the N.E.W.T.)

"I hear James Potter took the position of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher this year," he said, trying to sound casual.

Lily stilled. "Yes," she said in a small voice.

"Well? You've discussed every other subject, it stands to reason you have something to say about that class as well," he snapped.

"He's the best Defence teacher we've ever had," she said.

Severus snorted. "Does he hex unsuspecting students and claim it was teaching?"

Lily shifted in her seat. "It is an effective method," she said. "Teaching us to be constantly vigilant."

His lip curled in disgust. Same arrogant Potter. Cursing whomever he pleased. How he hated the man. And yet Severus could tell Lily didn't like the conversation. Of course Severus knew that she and Potter were in the Order together. Knew that they had been to Dover together. That episode had been splashed all across the Daily Prophet. Severus hated the fact that they worked together, along with Pettigrew, Lupin and Black.

Safe behind the walls of his own mind, Severus could admit there was an element of jealousy. _He_ was her first teacher, the one she looked up to and respected. He hated the idea that she might look up to Potter. That she might respect Potter, as she did with her other professors. As she had done with him years ago. As, he hoped, she still did. He wanted to warn her that Potter wasn't worthy of her respect, of her admiration. He didn't though, because that would mean admitting he knew firsthand what Potter was truly like. He didn't want to admit to that humiliation.

"I'm an animagus," she said suddenly.

Distracted, he said, "Come again?"

"I'm an illegal animagus," she admitted.

Severus blinked. That's what he thought she'd said. "What's your form?"

He thought she'd just tell him, he hadn't expected her to get out of her seat and walk over to the corner of the room and transform. A slight, timid looking female deer stood in his sitting room, staring at him with wide eyes. He stood to inspect her for a minute, taking in the details. It was a nice transformation. Perfect, so far as he could tell.

She transformed back and began fiddling with her cloak. "I'd been working on it for a long time. I first succeeded back in November. It's my patronus as well," she said, conjuring one. Sure enough, it was the exact same doe as she had been only moments before.

"Why?" he asked.

"I wanted to see if I could," she answered.

"Who knows?"

"Well, Roo did..."

The room grew quiet again.

"Actually I think it's time I went back to the castle. They might be wondering where I am. I thought of running away, but I can see more clearly now what a bad idea that is."

A bad idea indeed. The safest pace for her, or any muggleborn really, was with the Headmaster, much as Severus disliked the old man. "Would you like me to take you or do you have other arrangements?" he enquired.

"If you wouldn't mind. I came by house-elf side-along and that was..._uncomfortable_."

"I can imagine," he said. He'd never heard of that before, but he didn't think that way of travel could possibly be pain-free.

Knowing they couldn't apparate into Hogsmeade proper (it would be too obvious and in the open, especially with Magical Law Enforcement lurking about), he decided on a mile or two outside of the village. However, he didn't want to force her to walk the rest of the way so he suggested that she fly.

"Use this. I doubt Mr. Monkshood will be needing it anymore," he said pushing the cleansweep into her hands.

A fierce sort of expression transformed her features as she studied the broomstick in her hands. "_Malachi Monkshood_," she whispered.

.

Outside the village it was entirely silent but for the wind. She let go of him and mounted the broom, hovering in the air next to him for a minute, as if trying to think of something to say in farewell. It could very likely be the last time they met or spoke. In fact, Severus rather hoped so.

She bit her lip, then determinedly swooped down and kissed his cheek before jetting off.

Back at Spinners End, Severus stood at the small stream that ran through the thinly wooded area. Slowly, he put his wandtip to his temple. He couldn't keep that memory. Too much had happened. She'd said "I love you."

She had said... _I love you._

And meant it.

He couldn't remember anyone ever having said that to him before. Perhaps his mother had when he was a boy, but if she did he must have been very young.

Now he'd finally heard it and yet he couldn't keep it.

She'd said "_I trust you_." Another first.

She had kissed him on the cheek. That _that_ had never happened before went without saying.

He could not allow himself to remember things like that.

Maybe in the future, if he became a master occlumens he could keep those powerful memories, but not yet. It was a goal to work for. To be that great an occlumens as to hide something that big. But he wasn't. Not yet.

Severus removed the precious memory with his wand, not just the silvery copy, but the actual memory itself, lowered it to the water, and let the stream carry it far away, someplace safer than his own mind. After a few moments the memory began to fade, and he panicked for a moment, cursing himself, wondering what he had just done, but then he couldn't remember it at all. He couldn't even recall why he was there. He often walked this way, lost in thought.

Had it really grown so late in the day?

He returned to his dilapidated home, lifting the wards and replacing them again. That was when he had smelled it. Away from the wind that would carry it away, there it was, the faintest whiff of something floral, women's shampoo or something similar. He lowered his not inconsiderably sized nose to his robes to better identify the scent and saw it. One long wavy strand of wine red hair.

_Lily._ It had to have been. It was precisely her shade, and what other red headed female would he hold against his chest? Actually, why would he hold Lily against his chest? And yet, it had to be her, but he couldn't recall the encounter at all... He went to his notebook, where he kept a log of all his experiments and scribbled the date and time in the bottom left hand corner of the opposite page he was working on, before folding the thin strand into the spine like a page ribbon, to mark the encounter.

He sat down in the armchair, and found another hair. She'd sat right there in that seat. But he couldn't remember a thing about it. _Two_ tea cups sat on the tea tray. Looking at the clock he realised how late it had become. It was hours since he last remembered. She must have been there for _hours_. He must have erased that entire block of time from his memory.

.

He sighed. It must have been pleasant if he had been forced to remove it...

x

She kissed him on the cheek, partly out of guilt, partly because she believed he needed as much affection as possible. She knew she couldn't tell Severus the truth about her and James, and for some reason she felt terribly guilty for hiding it from him. Faced with this guilt, she'd blurted out another secret to make up for it, the fact that she was an animagus. He had just sat there for more than a minute with that hateful look on his face. She knew he was thinking about James and she simply couldn't admit the truth.

The first thing she did when she landed in front of the castle doors was snap the wretched thing across her thigh. It stung, and would no doubt leave a bruise, but she

didn't care. It was satisfying. Even more satisfying was knowing that she had her revenge. Sirius was right, it did make her feel better. And she was spared the guilt of having to do it herself because Severus had done it for her.

_Severus._

She still couldn't believe it. They'd played the game, talked about nothing, talked about everything. He'd taken her to her parents. What was more he had known where they were buried. He'd visited them before. So many things he had said or done that afternoon touched her so deeply. It was as if that visit had reorganised her mind. Roo's death had plunged her into some dark unhappy confused place, but she knew where she was now and she knew what she had to do.

Roo had his justice, now it was Weyland's turn.

Furiously determined, she marched up to her rooms.

.

Azkaban Wizarding Prison was just as dreary and miserable as she remembered it. This time, however, she had James and Sirius with her. That would make all the difference, she knew. She braced herself for the first sweep she knew was coming. A dementor whooshed by, pausing to suck their happiness away but knowing they weren't a threat and continued by. James clutched tightly at her hand and she knew he felt exactly as she did, like she'd never be cheerful again. Even the energy had been drained from her, but she didn't fall to her knees; she didn't feel blackness crowding around her, she didn't feel as though she were about to pass out.

"What a perfectly wretched sensation," drawled Sirius, trying to sound cool but his voice was raspier and less steady than usual. She immediately reached for Sirius' hand, feeling bad for having left him out before. She brought it to her mouth and kissed it, and though she might have imagined it, she thought that Sirius improved slightly. His eyes cleared a bit and he took a deep breath, standing a bit straighter.

Keeping hold of both, she led them both forward, quickly so as to miss the next sweep.

She thought she remembered correctly where the secret entrance to Moribund's office was, but before she dragged Sirius into an actual wall, she tested it by giving it a good solid kick. Good thing she did too because her foot collided painfully with solid stone.

"Damn," she hissed, and continued on a ways before repeating the process. This time her foot passed through. Looking down the seemingly endless corridor she saw another dementor gliding speedily towards them.

"Hurry!" she gasped, pulling them through and down the hallway, successfully avoiding another encounter with misery incarnate.

"His name is Moribund," she whispered to James.

He nodded. He'd probably already known that, she thought to herself.

"Mr. Moribund?" James called, his voice sounding remarkably strong. "Mr. Moribund!" There came no response. "Which way is it?" he asked.

Lily nodded in the direction they were already facing and the continued on. Marvin Moribund was snoring away at his desk when they entered. Sirius rolled his eyes, and was about to draw his wand to give the man a rude awakening, but Lily put an arm out to stop the mischievous impulse.

James stepped forward, cleared his throat (loudly) and said quite clearly, "Mr. Moribund."

"Wha- yes? Oh." He started awake and readjusted his spectacles and observed James.

"Good evening," said James sternly, making it sound more like a 'shame-on-you' than a greeting.

"Ah. Moody's boy, is it?"

James stiffened at the diminutive but replied, "I'm from Magical Law Enforcement, yes. Auror Potter." He held out identification.

Moribund gave it a cursory inspection and said, "Very well. I see you found it alright?"

"I called but you didn't answer," said James.

"Oh. Sorry. One gets used to the moaning and the screaming. Another shout wouldn't wake me." Lily shuddered at the thought of falling asleep to the sound of other people's suffering, sleeping through it as if it were nothing.

Moribund then noticed her and Sirius, standing side-by-side and hand-in-hand. He squinted at her.

"Do I know you?"

"I was here in December, sir. Visiting."

"Oh yes, you brought flowers," he said as if that were the most curious thing in the world.

"Yes, sir," she said through clenched teeth. She'd forgotten how much she disliked this man. He wasn't horrible, just unsettling to be around. He felt hardly human.

James extended another piece of parchment, their clearance pass. Once again Moribund gave it the briefest of looks before fumbling around on his desk and stamping the document and scribbling what no doubt passed for his signature.

He opened his pocket watch. "You're early. He's not due to be Kissed for another hour," he remarked.

"We wanted to talk to the prisoner first," James informed him, tactfully _not_ pointing out that had the man bothered to read what he'd already signed and stamped, he would have known that.

"How often is the prisoner fed?" James asked, taking out his own notepad and (she was surprised to see) one of her own muggle pens.

"Feed him?" asked Moribund, incredulous. "Why on earth would we feed him? You know what he is?"

"Yes," James replied patiently. Lily admired his professionalism and assumed that he had dealt with worse over the span of his career. "And how long has the prisoner been in your charge?"

"Brought in almost two months ago exactly."

"And he hasn't been fed at all in that time?"

"Feed him who? What do you think we are running here?"

"Alright. Will you show us to him?"

Moribund checked the time. "In... three minutes."

They waited in silence, Lily waging a secret thumb war with Sirius to bide the time. She lost.

Once again she was led down the cold, dank corridors of Azkaban, passing cells she'd passed before. One she remembered in particular was empty.

"Excuse me, sir? Mr. Moribund? What happened to this prisoner?" She pointed to the lonely chamber.

Moribund shrugged unconcerned. "Died."

"Oh."

In Moribund's office, away from direct contact with the dementors, she had felt her mood pick up slightly, but it plummeted once she'd entered the prison proper and didn't seem to stop falling. Knowing that the man to whom she'd given a bar of chocolate had died there in his cell depressed her thoroughly. She remembered the last time she was there, visiting John Michaels' grave, Polly's funeral, Roo's funeral, her parents' funeral swirled about her memory in a hellish phantasmagoria. Every miserable part of her life seemed to rise to the surface of her mind, the flotsam and jetsam of the sea of her memory.

Sirius was scowling, his hand gripped hers fiercely.

"What is it?" she whispered.

"I want my wand," he said, almost childishly.

Only James was allowed to retain his wand, as he was M.L.E. Sirius and Lily had to leave theirs behind and she agreed it wasn't a nice feeling being unarmed.

They were seated a safe distance behind the bars of the vampire's cell, though it didn't appear as if the prisoner had the strength to attack even if they were closer. Moribund had expressed no desire to stay with them and said he would return in three quarters of an hour for the Kiss and bustled away back to his office.

A dementor stood on either side of the tiny room. The prisoner lay in a crumpled heap in the corner of his cell furthest from both his guards. His uniform had been shred to tatters, no doubt by himself, rather than by time. He'd only been there for two months. His frame beneath the paltry garment was pale and gaunt. Lily would have thought him dead already, if she hadn't known otherwise.

"Mr. Eldritch?" said James.

Eldritch barely moved.

"Mr. Eldritch?"

The man opened his eyes, tried to look at them, but gave up and went back to sleep.

"He's too weak, we'll never get anything out of him," James complained in a whisper to her and Sirius. The latter seemed to realize something, and eyed Lily then the leather skin she brought.

"Clever girl," he said. "You expected this?"

"Well no, actually. Not really. It just… seemed like something to bring."

"Right," said James. "Go on then."

Seeing as Moribund wasn't there he couldn't stop them. Lily carefully approached the bars and worked the skin gently through them, then wandlessly shoved it to the starved vampire. For a minute it just lay there next to him, but after a while his nose started to twitch, and he began to sniff the air and crawl his way blindly to the smell of blood. Lily was reminded of a newborn pup nosing his way to his mother, although this wasn't a sight that would make her coo with pleasure.

Eldritch didn't open the flask, he simply bit through the leather and began drinking weakly, then with greater strength. It was sad, somehow. Lily was humiliated for him, he looked so pitiful.

"Feeling better, Mr. Eldritch?" James asked, again using his professional voice.

Eldritch wiped his mouth, then licked his arm where it had been smeared with blood. He didn't answer, just looked at James and the rest of them curiously.

"Mr. Eldritch I was wondering if we could ask you a few questions."

Again, this was met with a silent stare.

Lily took out her own list of questions. The first one seemed to have answered itself. What happens when you don't feed? Vampires are supposedly immortal, but what happened if they didn't continue to feed on human life? Apparently they weakened. They didn't quite die, but they lingered quite close. Perhaps if he were left for another few months he would expire.

"What's the longest you've ever gone without feeding?" she asked.

He studied her, then said, "How long've I been here for?"

"Two months."

He nodded, saying she had her answer.

"How long have you been a vampire?"

Again, he stared at her for a time before answering. "Maybe 30 years."

"During that time have you ever—" she began but he interrupted.

"Oo'r you?" he asked.

"Erm…" She was about to give him her name when James interrupted.

"I'm James Potter, Magical Law Enforcement."

Eldritch's lip curled in dislike, revealing a long pointed tooth.

"We hoped you might answer a few questions before…" Lily said, but didn't finish.

"Before…" repeated Eldritch.

"The erm… the Kiss."

His eyes widened and he suddenly looking back and forth between the two dementors on either side of his cell.

"What? No!" he said. "No!"

He hadn't known? Had he been that weak for so long that he hadn't even known his own sentence?

The two guards, sensing his mounting agitation, closed in as near they could, weakening him, bringing him down into a shivering, shuddering bundle on the floor.

"Mr. Eldritch?" James asked.

"No. Bloody. Questions," he said through chattering teeth.

Clearly they had lost his cooperation, not that he'd been all that obliging to begin with.

"You wasted your blood on him," said Sirius. "Might have been kinder to have left him unconscious for it."

It would have been, undoubtedly.

.

It was a long despondent wait for Moribund to return.

"May I advise you not to watch?" he asked politely.

All three shook their head.

"Very well," he said with a sigh. "Suit yourselves."

There was very little ceremony. He simply opened the hatch to let a dementor glide through, and then immediately left the room. Lily knew what was coming and her heart began to pound as she squeezed both James' and Sirius' hands, unaware that she was also digging her nails into the boys' skin. She'd heard that the dementor's Kiss was supposed to be unbearable to watch, but she was going to do her best. She had to see. Perhaps sucking a soul out of a body was similar to sucking life. And if Voldemort knew how to do it than she wanted to learn too.

She watched as the dementor approached the whimpering man and slowly lowered its hood.

Lily gasped in horror at the creature's scabbed face, empty eye sockets and gaping mouth. A terrifying rattling sound began as the dementor's mouth drew closer to Eldritch's, its gnarled hand firmly holding its victim's head in place.

At the very last moment, the moment upon which all her questions hinged, she couldn't bear it anymore and looked away. They all did; Sirius and James too. They shut their eyes tight and cringed, turning away from the horrific scene. Lily felt James forehead press against hers in the dark and Sirius bring his hand (still interlocked with hers) up to cover his face and shield his eyes. Everyone was gripping tightly to whatever hand they held.

The unearthly rattle grew louder and louder and Lily began shaking all over in utter horror. She could feel James' quickened breathing against her face and Lily clenched her teeth, trying not to scream or cry in panic.

Then the rattle stopped, there was a moment of complete silence, a vacuum of sound, and then there was a thud of a body and the swish of the dementor moving away.

Lily finally mustered the courage to open her eyes. The dementor was gone, and Eldritch, unlike other Kissed prisoners, lay lifeless on the ground, never to move again.

Vampires _did_ have souls, and now without it, and having no life of his own so sustain a soulless body, he was truly dead.

Lily was still shivering. She felt like she was going to be sick.

"I... that was..." She couldn't articulate anything.

That had been unnatural, a terrible, horrible, foul and evil thing.

Lily was now a convert. She was fully against the Kiss, no matter what the crime or who the criminal.

She and James were hugging so tightly as if they were clinging to each other for dear life. Body contact seemed to help, it seeped warmth into her body where everything felt chilled and dead.

"Sirius?" she croaked, reaching blindly back towards him, not wanting to leave him alone in the cold after that horrible ordeal. She felt him press from behind, felt his forehead press against her crown. He was twitching too. James reached all the way around her and rested his hands and arms on his friend's back. Sirius did the same. Under _any_ other circumstance it would have been beyond awkward, to be holding each other that way, but at that moment, it was not only necessary, but not even enough.

After a minute of this, James said, "I think I'm going to be sick."

So did she, but she still wasn't up for speaking coherent phrases. He quickly pulled away and leaned over, bracing his hands on his knees. He heaved but nothing came up. He dry heaved again a few more times. Lily had to try to drown out the sound otherwise she would start too. She turned around and buried her face in the front of Sirius' robes.

Moribund chose that moment to return. He inspected the three of them and made 'tsk'ing sounds. "I tried to warn you," he said.

Wandlessly, she sent a tripping hex at Moribund, who stumbled and fell.

Sirius snorted into her hair. "Nice one."

"I... _really_ dislike him," she said, finally managing to string a few words together. 'I tried to warn you' was very similar to 'I told you so': a phrase that brought out the worst in her.

.

They parted ways at Hogsmeade.

"You sure you won't come in and have some cocoa with us?" asked Lily, trying to convince Sirius to stay.

"No. I think I'll just go home. Perhaps I'll go cuddle with Moony or something," he joked.

James chuckled weakly and shook Sirius's hand.

Sirius then turned to her and, to Lily's surprise, brought her hand to his lips. He'd done that sort of thing before, but it had been for a reason, generally to make a scene in front of other people. "Thank you, Cariad," he said, though she couldn't think of any reason why. With a slight nod of his head, he disapparated.

Lily and James walked slowly and leaned heavily on one another that long mile back to the castle. They might have sent a patronus to Hagrid to send up a carriage, but there was something calming about a night time stroll. The cold night air was different, better, than the chill of Azkaban. It was cleaner, purer.

They were almost to the front steps when the branches of the Whomping Willow began to groan and crackle. At once she was reminded of both Polly Abott and the Dementor's rattle.

"I'm going to be sick," she said, pushing him away and emptying her stomach.

She felt much better after that but was even shakier than before. She and James both agreed to pay a visit to Poppy, just to be on the safe side.

x

"It'll be nice to sit in the Hospital Wing and be scolded by Poppy. It'll be like old times," he said, trying to cheer her up. He got a small grin out of her before it faded away.

"That was truly horrid, wasn't it?" she said as they climbed up the steps.

"It was," he agreed.

"And rather unproductive."

"Yea."

"Of course if one man could have sat and watched a Dementor's kiss to learn the secret it would have to be someone as soulless and wicked as Voldemort."

For some reason James snorted, detecting perhaps a bit of jealousy in her voice. She'd really wanted to see it but hadn't been able to in the end, and that chafed.

Together they wobbled into the Hospital Wing to the familiar heart-warming sounds of Poppy Pomfrey's admonitions.

"What have you two got yourselves into now?"

"Only Dementors, Poppy," James reassured her. "We're just a bit shaken, that's all."

"Dementors? Oh you poor dears. Just a moment, I'll go fetch the medical chocolate," she said. James noticed that the 'medicinal' chocolate was kept in the healer's personal quarters rather than with the rest of the magical remedies, and smiled. Perhaps the healer suffered from some ailment that required the remedy close at hand. James could deeply sympathise, understanding what a terrible affliction a sweet tooth could be...

She reappeared a minute later, carrying two large bars of Honeyduke's finest. While there were no beds free, she summoned two chairs and forced them to sit and eat, running a diagnostic spell on them both.

"What have you done to yourself?" she asked Lily. James frowned but Lily seemed to know exactly to what the healer referred.

"I did side-along apparition with a house-elf."

Pomfrey clucked disapprovingly. "No more of that," she said sternly, shaking a finger in Lily's face.

"I know, I won't."

James knew from personal experience the discomfort of travelling side-along with an elf. He had done it with Lettie not too long ago to visit his parent's house and had brought back several things. It was indeed a painful thing to be squeezed that tightly through space.

"You know something they don't put in your school book?" said James, snapping off another large bite of chocolate.

"What?" Lily asked.

"That sex is as efficacious as chocolate when recovering from dementors and other dark attacks. Probably even more so."

Lily looked slightly sceptical, as if she didn't discount the possibility entirely, but also certain that James might make it up to suit his own goals. "Is that true, Madame Pomfrey?" she asked, turning to face the healer.

Poppy glared at him, then nodded curtly to Lily as if reluctant to confirm this fact, particularly in a wing full of underage children.

"Why don't they put that in the books then?" she asked. "If it's true."

"It's in the auror's manual anyway, and in several other texts as well. In fact, it's fairly common knowledge. But you first learn about dementors in, what... third year? It would hardly do to teach third years that."

Lily shuddered in obvious revulsion.

"What?" James asked. Surely she wasn't repulsed by the idea?

"I was just thinking of what Sirius said... about going to find Remus." She shuddered again.

James laughed out loud but then his mind's eye caught up with him and he stopped laughing and shuddered too. "_Eugh_."

He noticed that Lily had put her head in her hands, her elbows resting on her knees.

"Oi," he said, putting a hand on her back. "What's wrong?"

"Everything," she answered. "I let him down. I failed Weyland. I'm a failure at everything."

"Shh... now. That's just the dementors talking. Go on, have some more chocolate, you've barely had any." He broke her off a piece and put it in her mouth. She'd just been around dozens of dementors, had been present for a Kiss, and had been to her best friend's funeral. Not the best of days. If she were depressed, it was understandable.

"I think this will have to be Take-away," he said, holding up the Honeydukes. "This doesn't seem to be working; a change of treatment is in order. I'll have to take matters into my own hands."

Lily chuckled through a sob and Madame Pomfrey rolled her eyes and tried not to smile. Truth of the matter was, he wasn't as light-hearted as he appeared. He still felt the chill of Azkaban clinging to him, and not even the chocolate could chase all of it away. All that time in the company of the dementors had left him with the desire to latch hold of warmth, love, latch hold of _her_. Going to bed with her would melt away the dementors' effects. It might have been selfish of him but he knew she was suffering through the same thing. She needed it as much as, if not more than, he did.

They left the hospital wing with pockets of chocolate and mugs of cocoa in hand (at Poppy's insistence) and settled in to enjoy these small comforts under the warmth of the covers.

"What will we tell Moody? The Order?" she asked worriedly.

"Don't worry about work now."

She shook her head. "If I don't think about work then I'll think about.... other things." James knew she meant Rupert Ferris so he set about to distract her.

He gently took her mug and placed in on the bedside table. "Try me," he said lowly, kissing her cheek. "Tying focussing on me." He kissed the other cheek and moved down to her jaw. "Don't think of anything." Down to her throat. "Or anyone." Back up again the other side. "But me."

After a moment of two of hesitation, Lily wound her fingers in the curls on the back of his head and pulled his lips to hers.

He felt the warmth blossom in his chest and slowly begin to spread. The lingering chill of Azkaban and the memory of the dementor's Kiss began to fade away faced with intimacy with Lily. Every touch, kiss, caress, banished not only Azkaban, but every other thought from his head.

.

Lily had fallen asleep immediately after, but James lay awake, absentmindedly drawing his fingers over the skin of her hip.

She'd brought up a valid point. What were they going to tell the Order? Moody, James would handle. The older, one-legged, one-eyed man hadn't thought much of the project to begin with. Mad-Eye liked projects with results, not abstract research. Dumbledore, however might be expecting more answers than they could give. James knew that the Headmaster was studying the theory behind Voldemort's life stealing stone.

With a start he remembered that Lily was no longer cursed because of that stone. He looked down at her sleeping face and kissed her brow.

She wasn't cursed.

She wasn't cursed.

He would have thought it was too good to be true but he had seen firsthand the proof that she wasn't. She hadn't collapsed when faced with the dementors.

James wrapped a tendril of her hair around his finger as he continued thinking.

He understood now why it was so uncommon for people to actually witness the removal of a soul. The thing was, he had tried to keep his eyes open, but in the end, it had been too unbearable to watch. Not even unbearable, _impossible_. Try as he had, he couldn't hold his gaze. Perhaps it was one of those things just not meant to be seen.

James further reflected that perhaps it was something that wasn't meant to be. Full stop.

During his career in Magical Law enforcement he had sent dozens of wizards and witches to Azkaban, he'd even hoped that they'd get Kissed.

That was it. He'd never really thought of what the Kiss entailed. He'd just thought it was a way of dying but not. He knew that kissed prisoners were still physically alive, and somehow that didn't seem like it was such a cruel punishment, only fair and just.

Now?

Now he didn't think anyone deserved that. It was almost better that the vampire had died instantly, instead of lingering on in a live but soulless body. What happened to the soul after it was sucked out? What did the dementor do with it?

Come to think of it, what happened to a soul after one died? James had no clue, but he was certain that being Kissed denied them whatever it was.

Dementors truly were the foulest creatures that walked the earth. How had he never truly thought about it before? He'd thought of them as the guards of Azkaban, a way of punishing and keeping criminals safely imprisoned. But they were soul stealing monsters. And the Ministry actually _used _them.

How terribly wrong it seemed. Instead of trying to harness their dark and dreadful power, they ought to try and destroy them. But James hadn't a clue how one killed a dementor. Did anyone? He'd never come across it, and his background in the dark arts was extensive.

He shivered involuntarily at these morbid thoughts and clung more tightly to Lily, who mumbled sleepily and nuzzled into him.

.

She'd dreamt of Ferris again. He knew this because once again she awoke crying out for him then ran to the loo to be sick in the toilet.

How long would this continue? Granted she was already better than he expected she would be. With Weyland she had gone into over-work mode, trying to distract herself with anything she could. James had worried that because this was Ferris, that she wouldn't be able to simply 'work' through it, and for a while it looked that way, that she would withdraw from everything and simply grieve. But something had happened the day before to snap her out of her grief and into productivity. He was tempted to ask her what it was, but thought that discussing it might undo the good it had done.

He was rather proud of her, actually. She was stronger than he had expected she'd be.

"I forgot to tell you yesterday," he said, knowing he was taking a risk but unable of keeping this from her. She deserved to know. "I've pretty much identified the poinsoner." She didn't react in any way, so he tentatively went on. "Malachi Monkshood. He hasn't returned to the castle. He must be hiding but I promise Lily he will be caught."

James convinced himself that he only imagined the smirk that crossed her face. It was probably just a grimace of distaste or pain.

x

Sirius heard little of James or Lily in the following days. There _was_ an interesting confrontation with Remus, in which his friend accused him of dabbling. 'I saw the pipe,' Moony had said. Sirius waved this away, saying that he had taken away from Dung for his own good, which was true.

Remus had glared at him disbelievingly but let it drop. Peter came by several nights that week, which had been a pleasure. He lightened things up when he visited. While he and Remus did have stimulating conversation, and did joke about with one another, it seemed a bit strained as of late.

The brewing had been finished a few days before he and James planned to use it. James had mirrored Wednesday to check up on its progress and Sirius reported that it was completed, bottled, and almost ready for consumption, only the final ingredient remained to be added.

Sirius put on one of his finer sets of dress robes, black lined with silk of pearly cream. He inspected himself in the mirror and concluded he looked rather dashing, which was nothing new, he always made it a point to look dashing. He wouldn't leave the house if he looked anything less.

"I'm off, Moony," he called, not really waiting for a response.

He apparated to Hogsmeade, debating for a moment whether or not to stop in at the Three Broomsticks for a pint and a chat up with Rosy. In the end he decided against it, wanting to get to Hogwarts sooner rather than later.

Sirius entered the Great Hall to find it spectacularly decorated. Lily's work. No doubt she had thrown herself into the ball preparations to get her mind off the Ferris boy and their trip to Azkaban. Well, her efforts had paid off, certainly, and Sirius congratulated himself on his own excellent taste which had guided her.

Dreams, floating like multi-coloured streamers danced far above his head, wisely out of reach of the children. Dung would have a field day seeing so many good dreams in one place. Sirius could tell that they had a positive effect. Just walking into the room one felt uplifted and hopeful, in keeping with the theme of the dance.

"Minerva!" he greeted enthusiastically, seeing the Transfiguration teacher conjuring up extra chairs across the room now cleared of the house tables. The witch turned to him as he strode over. He took her hand and bowed over it. "You are a vision, as usual," he complimented.

She scowled at his flattery, as she always did. Sirius imagined she was trying not to appear pleased.

"Albus said you would be coming."

"Did he? And here I thought I'd be able to surprise you." He sighed dramatically. "Oh well. In any case I hope you'll save a dance for me, Minerva."

Her mouth pursed into a thin line.

"I'll take that as a yes," he said, and strode off to inspect the rest of the intricately decorated hall. Sirius grinned. There was something about flirting with the old witch that was immensely satisfying. More than that, he truly respected and admired Minerva McGonagall; always had. Perhaps that's why he'd given her so much grief in school. He shook his head, smiling at the memories.

He then scowled and looked up at the dreams above him. They were putting him in a ridiculous mood. He felt dangerously close to cheerful. He left, ascending several staircases that led him to the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. The halls were absolutely deserted, all the students being in their dorms getting ready, no doubt.

"Prongs!" he called as he knocked on the office door.

"Yeah mate?" he responded.

Sirius opened the door to find his friend sitting at his desk, head bent over several sheets of parchment. After agitatedly rumpling his hair James stood, waving his wand at the mess and sending all his work flying back to their appropriate places, locked securely away.

"Is that what you're wearing?" Sirius asked, incredulous and disapproving.

"No," said James with a smirk. "It's what _you're_ wearing."

.

It was twenty minutes before the students were to arrive in the Great Hall. The teachers were already gathered in the staffroom behind the head table. Sirius stood off to the side, though he often drew curious glances from the Hogwarts faculty. His presence was explained by the headmaster who informed them that in addition to him, several other non-Hogwarts residents would be joining in the festivities as welln mainly Ministry officials who were 'keeping an eye on things' as well as scouts for various organisations that recruited heavily from Hogwarts. A correspondent from the Witch Weekly would also be in attendance, and the minister himself had been invited, though whether or not he was coming was still unknown.

Sirius grunted at the news that someone from Witch Weekly would be there but accepted it as one of the many unavoidable annoyances in life. He was inspecting the condition of his nails when he realised the meeting had ended and James had come up to him. Lily had already left to get ready (which Sirius doubted she could do in a quarter of an hour.)

"You were paying attention, weren't you?" his friend asked.

"Of course."

"You know if you bollix things up it's my head."

"I know."

"Sirius, this is serious. You know what to do?"

"Please, we've been to these things before, Prongs."

"Yes, as trouble making students," said James, in an attempt to be stern, but unable to stop himself from grinning at the memories.

"Precisely," replied Sirius. "Who'd know better the activities of the staff than me?" It had been essential in order to pull off some of their bolder pranks. Careful planning and attention to detail, especially concerning the whereabouts and actions of all the teachers, was crucial in carrying off successful capers. Sirius was the master of making mischief in plain sight, under full view of everyone. It was James and Peter who were the sneaky ones, using the invisibility cloak and the rat animagus form respectively. Sirius was all too happy to have been the intelligence (and attention) gathering decoy. It suited him.

He could pose as a responsible adult for an evening, no problem.

He and James went off to find a place to exchange robes. Having done that, Sirius withdrew the two flasks he had prepared.

"More than enough," he assured. James nodded and plucked out a hair from his head and dropped it in. Sirius did the same. Then they exchanged flasks, knocked them together in a toast, and drank.

"Mother of Merlin," James said coughing in disgust a moment later, after the sensations had ended.

Sirius was trying not to gag as well, pulling a face he knew must be unattractive. Not that it mattered... it wasn't _his_ face he was contorting in disgust, but James'.

"Not looking forward to doing that again in an hour," said James.

"I agree," replied Sirius, straightening and transfiguring a nearby chair into a gilded mirror to inspect his new look. "This... will take some getting used to," he said, running his fingers through outrageously untidy hair.

"I agree," James echoed, performing a similar experiment.

Sirius bounced on his toes, testing out his leg muscles, which were more compact and stockier than he was used to. He was also a bit shorter, and also slightly visually impaired.

"Spectacles please," he requested, and James obligingly handed them over. His put them on, and his image came into better focus. There he stood, the very image of his best friend.

James (looking like Sirius) turned to him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Thanks for doing this, Padfoot."

"Don't thank me yet, Prongs," he said with a mischievous smirk.

James gave him a look. "You know the rules."

"The rules?" asked Sirius. "Who are you? And who are you talking to?" They were _marauders_. What did the rules have to do with anything?

"No dallying," James said firmly, "with anyone, student or not. I don't need any more problems than I already have."

That, Sirius could admit, was fair enough. He'd do his best to keep to it. He doubted anyone could tempt him anyway.

.

Sirius was disappointed to find he had been right. He stood next to James (who was looking rather dashing in black robes lined with silken cream) and watched the Great Hall fill. While some of the older students looked promising, he didn't feel the stir to take any of them.

He refused to believe this was because James had guilted him into being responsible, and put it down to his being not in the mood.

"Is the lady even coming?" Sirius asked, thinking that after all the trouble of procuring her dress for her and spending a month brewing polyjuice, she'd better.

James looked to his wrist to check the time, then remembered that Sirius didn't wear a watch and fished into a pocket to inspect the timepiece. "She has a few minutes yet."

Dumbledore (impeccably garbed in lilac coloured robes) had already begun his speech; an uplifting oration as it was no doubt intended to be, aided once again by the decorations. Sirius was idly wondering if those dreams were the same ones he had stolen for the Headmaster in Knocturn Alley when he saw her enter. Actually, it was ludicrous that he should have been able to see her, they were on opposite sides of a very crowded hall, but that red hair was distinctive.

The Headmaster finished his speech, and everyone drank a toast. When their flutes magically disappeared he announced that the dance should begin.

People moved out of her way, whether out of respect for her position, her beauty, her grief, or out of fear or dislike, varied from person to person. In any case, she made her way, unimpeded, through the crowd surprisingly toward the Head Table. Surely she wasn't...

Having reached her destination she extended her hand.

"Would you do me the honour, Professor? My date couldn't make it," she said, eyes glistening.

Dumbledore smiled, and took her outstretch hand, accepting her invitation. "I would be delighted, Miss Evans." Together, the young beauty and the aged genius stepped onto the dance floor together, opening the ball.

Her dress, instead of the glowing pearlescent colour which (along with matching his own dress robes) shifted in its hues from pale pink to light blue, barely there green and tinted gold, was now a dark and unremitting mourning black. It wasn't as nice, but Sirius was glad to say that she still looked lovely; she would do his lookalike proud.

He turned to his friend and scowled. "Wipe that expression off my face this instant," he hissed. James, who had been watching her as well, shook his head and looked at him confusedly.

"What?"

"That disgusting expression," he clarified. "Get rid of it. If I have to play you responsibly you will _not_ make me look like a love-sick fool." Sure, Hogwarts thought he and Lily were together, but the image of aloofness, of detachment, still had to be maintained.

James tried to school his expression and Sirius was marginally pacified, though he had to continually check on his friend's (his own?) countenance to make sure James wasn't ruining his (Sirius') image. They watched her dance, not with her fellow students, none of them dared, not after Ferris. Her teachers, whether out of pity or pleasure, waltzed her around the floor. After the Headmaster was Hagrid, upon whose feet Lily stood, rather like a child would her father. After that Lily danced with professor Flitwick. It was amusing to watch. A minute into the attempt Lily decided to hang it and levitated the tiny Professor so that he bobbed in the air at eye level, and she moved him around with her as she stepped to one side or another. She actually threw her head back with laughter several times. A comfort, that. It had been a while since Sirius had heard it, and it was a delightful sound, one of his favourites.

She also danced with Slughorn, to both his and James' revulsion. She didn't seem to mind though. No doubt the dreams were affecting her too. She didn't look so weighed down as she had before.

"Enough," James hissed beside him, and descended to the dance floor, no doubt to separate the couple. He was pleased to see they were giving the man they thought was Sirius Black a respectably wide berth. James separated the Potion's Master from his favourite pupil and steered her to a less crowded section of the room, where a dialogue began.

Sirius sighed. This is where things got dull. It was too early on in the evening for any real mischief to occur, those who had managed to sneak in alcohol wouldn't yet be feeling the effects of it, and the magical orchestra was playing properly sedate tunes.

No drama whatsoever, and Sirius was forbidden from making any.

A few witches, sixth and seventh year by the looks of them, had bashfully asked him to dance. He just barely managed to bite back the cruel brush off that came automatically to his lips and declined politely, as he thought James would do.

They made the argument that Lily Evans was dancing with teachers. Sirius snorted, and refrained from saying a number of less than appropriate comments.

He smiled but shook his head all the same. They left, somehow both pouting and giggling, a trick known only to school girls. His eyes went back out to the crowd again. He watched Lily and James for a time, talking in the corner together, James smiling like an idiot and Lily eyeing him curiously. No doubt James was making a game of their switched bodies, and the lady could tell something was up.

They left the Great Hall together and didn't return for a good time.

Sirius knew she'd figured it out because now they were kissing openly.

It was... odd; watching himself kissing her like that. Well, it was odd watching yourself do anything, knowing it's not really you. A bit eerie, as if you are witnessing your doppelganger and knowing death is approaching. Sirius wanted to look away but couldn't take his eyes off the pair, so in love. Sirius felt a twinge. The real Sirius Black wasn't as happy as that Sirius Black looked. Nor was he as daft.

He grimaced, wanting something to throw at the back of his friend's head. His shoe would do. Hadn't he _strictly_ told James not to make him look like a love-sick fool?

Oh his poor image. Of course he pretended to be Lily's lover in public, but he was certain he'd never allow himself to look so idiotically smitten.

A female voice interrupted his thoughts. "You love her, don't you."

It was the Muggle Studies professor, Dippet.

"What?" he snapped.

The woman brought her voice even lower, so as not to be overheard. "Lily Evans. You love her, don't you."

Sirius groaned. Why him? Why not let Prongs deal with his own business. "No," he replied curtly.

"I can tell, they way you always look at her."

'_Not I_,' Sirius thought. Subtlety was never Prongs' strong suit. Sirius wasn't at all surprised to learn that that other people had cottoned on.

What a horrible time to be trapped in Prongs' body, to have to account for his friend's own foolish behaviour. Did he always have to put up with this sort of thing? Sirius rather doubted it. No, of course it would be only when Sirius was in his body that these nuisances occurred. Once again, James was off doing something better while he, Sirius, was stuck with the dirty job.

"I do not," he repeated, refusing to look the woman in the face lest he say something that would give the game away.

"Even the way you are looking at her now. It must be hard, seeing her so happy with your best friend."

Sirius counted backward from ten. What angered him was James making a mockery of Sirius' character, making him look like a love-sick fool, he told himself. Nosey witches who gave their opinions when they weren't wanted only compounded the annoyance.

He locked eyes with her and with a tone and insolence that wasn't at all suited to James, Sirius said lowly, "If I wanted her, believe me, _I would have had her_."

Though her face read shock and indignation, something flashed in the older witch's eyes. Something Sirius was very familiar with. Heat.

While Dippet might dislike the fact that James was attracted to Lily, and downright appalled at the suggestion that Sirius had just made, she couldn't disguise from him that he had turned her on. He knew that it was Sirius Black that caused that, not James Potter. It was satisfying to know that even in someone else's body, with someone else's character working against him, he still had the ability to ignite a woman. With cruelty, even. Depravity. And the uptight witch wanted more.

"When I see something I want, I take it," he said, gently bring up his hand to hold her chin in place so he could better look her in the eye. "But I see nothing." Sneering, he dropped his hand and walked away.

There, if that didn't get the witch off James' case, nothing would.

Spying his favourite Scotswoman he approached her, greeting her with a smile. "Minerva!"

McGonagall, who had been staring intently at the students, jerked her head toward him, much like a startled cat. When she saw who it was, she looked... well, rather guilty. It wasn't something Sirius could ever remember seeing on the stern woman's aging face. Sirius found he did not like it.

"What is it, Professor?" he asked.

Her head twitched, as if she'd just stopped herself from looking over to where the problem was. Sirius naturally glanced out, finding nothing amiss, apart from James making him looking like a fool (for which he'd pay for later.) Then it hit him.

To those who knew the truth, it appeared just as it did to those who didn't; meaning that he (Sirius) and the young redhead were happily canoodling on the dance floor. Minerva didn't know how to act around him, because she thought he was James. Sirius threw his head back and laughed. Oh, the dear woman thought Lily had left James for him, and was flaunting it right in front of him. How wickedly cruel, how hilarious. How unlikely...

"Come Minerva," he said offering her his hand. "You promised me a dance."

She frowned at him in confusion. "Did I?"

He smirked triumphantly. "Looks like I managed to surprise you after all."

After a moment her eyes widened in understanding, her head whipping around to Lily and James, then back to him.

"Naughty boys!" she declared.

"We are at that. Some things never change, Minerva," he said smoothly, grinning as he took her hand and walked her down to the dance floor.

x

When Sirius cut in and led her away from Slughorn, Lily followed with an apologetic glance back at her Potions professor.

"That's better," he said once they were standing in a less crowded corner. "Enjoying yourself?" he asked.

"More than I'd hoped," she said. Looking up at the swirling dreams overhead, she said, "They really are effective, aren't they?"

"I suppose so."

"Well?" she asked, twirling on the spot for him.

"Well what?" he asked.

"What do you think?" She was certain that he would have something to say about the alteration. She wanted to talk to him about the charm she'd used to cloak the original colour. She was actually quite proud of it.

"You look lovely as always. That dress is very becoming."

Lily smiled uncertainly. Something wasn't right. "Something on your mind?" she asked. "You don't seem yourself."

He smirked. "Never better."

This did not reassure her. But perhaps he simply couldn't talk about it with so many other people around.

"Let's take a walk," she said, linking her arm with his and leading him out of the Great Hall. It was too cold and windy to go outside as she was, so they strolled indoors, Lily's feet naturally taking her on the same route she walked for patrols.

"Will you tell me now?" she asked, once she was certain they were beyond earshot of the straggling couples that littered the entrance hall and environs for a bit of privacy.

"Tell you what?" he asked.

"What's going on," she said, no longer concerned, merely irritated he was pretending otherwise. Of course something was going on. She could feel it.

"Nothing's going on, Lily," he assured.

She froze. She knew what was wrong, what had been bothering her. He'd called her Lily, just now. Sirius never called her Lily. It was always Cariad.

Her heart choked with fear. This was another polyjuiced imposter. Where was Sirius? Was he alright? If anything happened to him...

Without giving the matter a second that she whipped her wand out of her hair and shouted, "Incarcerous!"

The man toppled over, his whole body bound tightly. She flicked her wrist and had him now hanging in the air.

"Lily, stop!" he said struggling in vain.

She hurled a bowling ball hex at him, the air in his lungs leaving him in grunt. He began panting, straining for breath.

"Where is Sirius?" she demanded angrily. "If you've hurt him, I swear to god I'll kill you!"

It was strange saying this to the very man she wanted to find; threatening the face she loved.

"He's fine," the man rasped. "Unlike me."

She felt no pity, and sent a stinging hex to his face. He roared in pain and annoyance. "Where's Sirius?" she demanded again.

"Bloody woman, stop cursing me! Padfoot's fine! He's in the Great Hall."

Padfoot?

She lowered her wand slightly, but still wary. Enough people knew the marauders and their nicknames.

"Who are you?" she asked, voice still firm (which was surprising, considering how utterly terrified she was.)

"It's me, James," he said, beginning to get his breath back.

Lily's heart fluttered but still she didn't lower her wand.

"Prove it."

"I dunno, ask me something."

"What did you do yesterday for Valentine's?" she asked.

He grinned. "Other than you?" Seeing that her expression didn't change he added, "Rose petals in the Prefect's Bath." He paused. "With candles." He paused again. "And for one awkward moment with Peeves the Poltergiest."

That had indeed how she and James had spent their evening the day before. She let him down gently to the floor. She was almost certain that that assignation had been private, but as he said, Peeves had seen. He might have told. She doubted it, but she had to make sure.

Still not releasing him, she knelt down and removed the comb that kept her hair up and held it before him.

"Where did this come from?" she asked, softly this time. She very much wanted to believe him.

"It was my mother's," he told her.

She vanished his bonds and foolishly she began to cry. "James, you horrible git! You and your stupid pranks! Why would you do that to me?" she sobbed. "I've never been so scared."

"Didn't look very scared," he said, rubbing his middle where he'd been hit with her hex. He looked up at her with pride. "You were rather ruthless, heart."

Wiping her eyes, she asked, "Are you okay?"

Gingerly he continued to feel around his mid-section. "Cracked, I think," he reported. After she fixed it (a bit guiltily) he wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close. "I'm proud of you, you know. And I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you. I should have expected that reaction."

It was odd. She knew it was James but he looked and sounded like Sirius. Two very different forms of love and comfort combined into one being. It disoriented her. More than anything though, she was glad that Sirius was safe and said as much.

"He's fine, I promise," he reassured her, pressing a kiss to her temple.

"Don't ever scare me like that again."

"Can't make any promises," he said, grinning.

She gently hit his shoulder and together they got up off the floor.

"Why polyjuice?" she asked, then stopped. "And where did you get the ingredients!"

"Calm down, heart. We started this project ages ago, the ingredients came from an apothecary before the crisis."

"Why?" she asked.

"So I could spend the evening next to you, my dear," he replied with a touch of sarcasm.

"How romantic," she snarked back.

"I thought so. But I'll admit my first thought had been security. You'd just been attacked and I suppose I was a bit... on guard."

"But what about Roo? I was supposed to come with him. You'd have just got in the way," she pointed out, a trifle bitter that he thought he could simply sweep in and push her friend aside.

"He knew what we were planning," James said with a shrug. "I told him after that night in your rooms, when we were discussing polyjuice."

"Oh." Thinking about it brought her down again. "I wish he could have been here."

Thankfully, James didn't say anything like 'He's here in spirit,' or 'he lives on in your heart.' Sentiments like that brought her absolutely no comfort.

"I'm here," he said. "You'll always have me."

Lily sincerely hoped that was true. She couldn't bear to think of what she'd do if James were to...

"Wait," she said, grabbing his arm and turning to face him. Despite that it was Sirius' face, she put a hand on either cheek and kissed him desperately. It didn't matter once she'd closed her eyes anyway. After the scare she'd just had, how shaken she'd been, she needed a bit of reassurance. James was perfectly willing to provide it. Still, it was a bit of a shock when she pulled away and was confronted with Sirius' face again. She started to chuckle madly.

"What?" he asked. "Did my performance amuse you?"

"I was just startled that's all."

His brows drew together in confusion.

"To see Sirius' face," she finished. "After all that."

"Oh." He shrugged. "You'll get used to it," he said. Then he stopped and pointed a very professorly finger in her face. "But only for tonight."

She giggled again. "I promise I won't make a habit of it."

"Good." He took her hand and led her back into the Great Hall, but not before taking another swig of polyjuice. (He had charmed the pocket watch to heat up when the hour was nearly up.)

She wanted repeatedly to look up at the Head Table where Sirius (looking like James) stood; just to make _sure_ he was there and alright.

"Stop that," James whispered in her ear.

"What?"

"He's fine. If you keep looking up there people will think you are trying to make eyes with your professor," he said.

_That_ came dangerously close to a joke, and she didn't feel like laughing. Instead, she felt guilty.

"Which is what we are trying to avoid, here," he added.

She nodded and they went back to dancing.

Once again, James leaned down to whisper in her ear. "_I never thought I'd be able to do this._"

"What?" she breathed.

"Hold you like this in front of everyone." He brought her closer. "Kiss you in front of everyone." He bent down and brushed his lips to hers. "Or..."

His hands began to roam.

"You can't do _that_ in front of everyone, no matter who you look like," she said, pretending to scowl. "There are first years here, James."

He frowned at her. "_Don't call me that,"_ he said seriously. James' irritation suited Sirius' face quite well, Lily thought.

"Not in front of the children, _dear,_" she corrected loudly.

James returned his hands to acceptable places and they continued to dance, him occasionally stealing kisses.

She would also give him sporadic advice on how to be more 'Sirius.'

"You're standing too straight, lean back, look at ease. Even better, look bored." "You're arm is too tight around me, drape it casually." "Don't smile, smirk." "You're his best friend, you should know these things!"

.

"Time to make rounds," she said. It was getting later in the evening and things were likely to start getting inappropriate if they didn't keep things in order.

A younger blonde girl stumbled into the drinks table, spilling punch all over her white dress.

"Is she drunk?" Lily asked incredulously.

"Her? No. Just unbelievably clumsy," he said smiling as he watched her. "Look."

The girl looked down at her ruined dress. She doubted the first year knew the spell to clean it and Lily was about to help her when the girl shrugged, and her swirl of punch coloured hair appeared in the midst of the white, matching her dress perfectly.

"Jealous?" James asked.

"Yes," she replied. Lily had read about metamorphmagi but she'd never seen one. She'd love to be able to change her appearance at will.

Yes. She was very _very_ jealous.

James chuckled and pulled her along, hypocritically breaking up couples that were getting 'too close' on the dance floor.

At one point Lily saw a boy slipping some liquid into his date's drink.

Lily _erupted._

"What are you doing?" she roared as she descended on the boy. She quickly took the drink from the girl and the unknown flask from the boy. She knew her face was red with fury. She unscrewed it and found that it was only firewhiskey but she didn't care."30 points from Ravenclaw," she said and turned to the Head Table. The Headmaster and McGonagall were dancing, but one Defence Against the Dark Arts professor lookalike stood, watching the scene with interest.

She beckoned to him with a finger and in an instant he was there.

"He," Lily said pointing angrily at the youth, "tried to slip something into her drink."

Sirius turned his gaze to the boy, who cowered. "Did he?" he asked, sounding very displeased.

"Turned out to be firewhiskey but still..."

Sirius nodded (with James' head) and put his arm around the boy's shoulders. "Let's have a talk," he said in his most dangerous drawl, leading the boy out of the room.

_Good,_ Lily thought. Sirius would make the boy see much better than Flitwick ever could. She hoped the little git wet himself out of fear before Sirius was through with him.

She was still shaking even after they left.

"Shh...." said James. "He'll sort the boy out."

"He should be expelled," she said fiercely. "Anyone who cowardly puts something in someone else's drink deserves... deserves...." She didn't finish her sentence; Roo being still fresh on her mind.

"It was just whiskey, heart. Just whiskey."

"It's still a low thing to do."

"I know. He'll be punished."

"Will you tell Flitwick? I'm going to step out for a moment."

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Back to my room for a few minutes. I... I don't feel like dancing anymore." Despite the hope-giving dreams floating around, she was decidedly unhappy. "I'll be back later to keep an eye on things."

"Alright. Want me to come with?"

"No. No, I'll be fine."

"I knew you'd say that," he said, and kissed her head. "See you in a bit."

Nostradamus was curled up on her couch. She sat next to him in front of the fire and stroked him. He purred contentedly.

She didn't know how long she stayed there, probably a half an hour. "I should go back," she told the cat. She didn't particularly want to, but she couldn't completely shirk her duties. As she approached the Entrance hall, she saw a sweep of black and cream robes. Sirius' ensemble. Or rather, James' ensemble. Why was he going outside? She stuck her head in the Great Hall and saw Sirius (looking like James) talking to Minerva McGonagall.

Deciding to brave the cold, she followed James outside. He hadn't gone far; he was merely sitting on the steps looking up at a remarkably clear night sky. He looked pensive, almost sad.

"What's on your mind?" she asked, sitting next to him. He looked at her then turned his gaze to look out over the lake.

"You, actually," he said after a while.

Lily felt slightly guilty. She must be a really be a downer lately; depressing everyone around her. "Sorry," she apologised.

"No, no," he said shaking his head. "Hardly your fault." He noticed her shivering and opened his cloak. "Come here."

She snuggled against him and his warmth, enfolded tightly in his cloak. For a time they didn't speak.

"I wish you'd've let me help you brew it," she said at random. "I'd have loved to been able to brew something that complex, what with Potions lessons being mainly theory and review and when I do brew it's the same old standard Hospital Wing provisions."

"That would have ruined the surprise."

"Do me a favour and don't throw me a surprise birthday party, unless you want to be tied up and nearly hexed to death."

He chuckled. "Alright, no more surprises."

"_Oh, __bollucks_."

"What?"

"I forgot. I forgot to talk to Wilder and I forgot to send in my potion to Bunsen for review. It completely slipped my mind what with... with one thing and another."

"Not as if it had a deadline. There's still time to get it done."

"Remind me later to write it down."

"Consider it done."

They fell into another easy silence. His hand, which had been slowly rubbing up and down her arm, found its way up into her hair and began to gently massage her scalp.

She hummed in delight.

"That feels wonderful," she said, closing her eyes. Realising that she might not get another chance (Sirius was so particular about his hair) she sneaked a hand into its silky straightness, soft, flowing, pliant beneath her fingers. It was a treat for her, this opportunity to play with it without Sirius stopping her. James didn't care about 'oily fingers.'

"I never get to do this," she breathed contentedly.

A low rumble sounded deeply from his throat. "It seems that now you do."

They carried on for a bit before she stopped and simply enjoyed herself, letting out a little moan when his fingers ran over a slightly sore part of her lower neck that desperately needed a good rub to get out the kink.

"Like that?" he asked lowly.

"Immensely," she moaned. It felt wonderful. She leaned in to trail appreciative kisses along his jaw. She waited for him to continue things along but he missed his cue. She just waited there, lips slightly parted in expectation.

When she opened her eyes to see why he wasn't playing along, she found him regarding her intently. Much like a serpent considering something dauntingly large, but determined to swallow it anyway. It wasn't that uncommon an expression. James had often had that sort of look before when especially aroused, but it was too strange seeing it on Sirius' face. So she closed her eyes, put it from her mind and pulled him down to her again.

This time his lips found hers. She sighed. Ever since earlier that week when he'd been near brutal when he'd made love to her, he'd taken care to be especially gentle. And this kiss was the softest yet, almost as if he were afraid she'd bruise if he touched her too hard. She had to arch forward, press into him insistently to hint that he needn't be so cautious. He caught on wonderfully, like a man dispensing with everything he knows to bask in this one moment.

His hands trailed reverently down her curves. Perhaps it was the dress, or the way he was treating her with extra care, but she'd never felt more beautiful. That and he'd whispered it in her ear when he paused for a moment to breathe.

She didn't care that it was cold, she didn't feel it. She didn't care that the stone steps of Hogwarts were pressing awkwardly into her back, she didn't feel it. She didn't care that when she reached up to entwine her fingers with his messy hair it was soft and tame...

Actually, she did care. It just wasn't the same. She wanted this, yes, but she wanted to be able to open her eyes and see warm brown ones staring back at her, not wintery grey ones.

Gently, she pushed him away, and he pulled back more obediently than usual.

Normally she had to be a bit more insistent.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I can't do this when you look like that."

"What?" he asked hoarsely.

"You still look like Sirius. I just can't," she said.

"Oh." His breath was laboured. His brow furrowed and he pinched the bridge of his nose, as if his glasses where there and bothering him. "Right. Of course." He'd completely forgotten he was in his friend's body. She had too for a while.

He immediately disentangled himself from her and stood, leaving her in the cold breeze. Perhaps he thought the frigid air would do him some good as well.

She felt guilty. She knew how much James hated incomplete interludes. He always said it was cruel of a witch to leave a wizard hanging, wand at the ready. But this time, while he was obviously annoyed that the dalliance would be cut short, he was also understanding of the problem. She knew that later (or perhaps even now), when he was thinking more clearly, he'd realise that he didn't want her with a memory of making love to Sirius. Or at least, someone who looked precisely like him.

"I'm sorry," she said again.

Not looking at her he shook his head. "No. My fault. I should have known better." His breath hitched, almost as if he were trying not to cry, but a moment later it was even again. "If you'll excuse me, I have to attend to..."

He didn't finish the statement, but she knew what he meant. He couldn't go back into the hall visibly aroused.

"I'll see you in a few minutes," she said.

He nodded and strode back inside.

Despite the cold she remained sitting outside on the steps for a time, thinking. One thing was for certain, they _would_ continue that later.

.

When she finally did return to the Great Hall, she saw Sirius in the same place he'd been before, on the dais speaking with various members of staff. She searched the darkened hall for James. Now that the Dung Beetles were playing, the lights were dimmed and she could barely hear herself think because of the blasting of the bagpipers. Her classmates were dancing themselves into a frenzy.

The song ended, and another began, this time a soft slow tune with only the vocalist and the lute player. It was then she spotted him, leaning casually against the stone wall, watching the students as they paired off for a slow dance.

She walked up to him and put her arms around him to draw him down for a kiss.

"Don't tempt me, Cariad," he drawled.

She immediately let go with a gasp. "Sirius!" she said in surprise. Well _that _was embarrassing. "Er.. sorry, I thought..."

"I know what you thought."

"So you've changed back," she said awkwardly.

"_Obviously_."

He sounded more put out than usual. Poor Sirius must not have been having a very good time.

"Enjoying yourself?" she asked timidly, already knowing the answer.

He scowled at her. "Hardly."

She looked at her feet. "Sorry."

"Not your fault this whole thing is bore." He stopped and considered her. "Well, actually I suppose it is, as you planned it."

She frowned. "I didn't ask you to come."

"No," he sighed. "No, indeed you didn't. Forgive me Cariad, I'm taking my bad mood out on you."

She smiled at him. "Come dance with me."

"I'd really rather no—"

"Just one," she insisted, and pulled him inexorably to the edge of the dance floor.

He was a better dancer than James, Lily had to admit, but he was much stiffer. Every move was precisely correct, graceful even, and of course his hands never strayed anywhere that wasn't perfectly acceptable, but it was still oddly distant. Funny, she thought he'd take this opportunity to be dramatic and sweep her around the floor. She'd thought it would be fun for both of them. Perhaps if he'd been in a better mood it might have been.

"Sorry," she said. "You clearly aren't enjoying this. I shouldn't have made you. We can stop."

Sirius smiled a little thinly and retook her hand. "Nonsense, Cariad," he said, and stepped back into the rhythm, leading her along with him.

She smiled at him. "Such a gentleman," she said.

He snorted at this statement they both knew to be outrageously untrue. He might be able to put on airs and act the part, but they both knew that deep down, he was a thorough (though lovable) scoundrel.

Experimentally, she tried to wind her fingers into his hair but he batted her away with a peremptory stroke. "No," he said, as if scolding a disobedient dog.

She grinned apologetically. "Didn't think so," she said with a sigh.

.

The song ended. Sirius offered to get her something to drink but she declined. She wasn't drinking anything that she hadn't seen where it came from first. She might just start carrying around a water bottle and drinking only from it.

"Actually, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about," she told him.

He lifted his eyebrows but said nothing, as if he were only marginally curious. She pulled him to the side and scanned the crowd.

"Do you see that boy over there? Sort of silvery robes and talking to the girl in purple with the long black plait down her back?" she asked.

"Aye."

"That's Dante de Beaulieu."

"De Beaulieu?" Sirius asked, as if the name sounded familiar. "Any relation to Virgil de Beaulieu?"

"If he's a pureblood, then probably. Is Virgil dead?"

"Very dead."

"Then it's very likely they are from the same family. Dan has no living family left."

"Get to the point, Cariad."

"I was... wondering if you might erm... well... get your wand dirty."

His eyebrows rose in interest.

"I'm listening."

"You have connections with purebloods in the Ministry, yes?"

He nodded, eyeing her curiously.

"I was wondering if you could somehow get him a job. He's an alright student, but as a Ravenclaw he's only mediocre. He wants to play Quidditch but Ravenclaw is at the bottom for the Cup this year, saving Slytherin which was removed entirely. You know how unlikely his getting on a team would be."

"Let me see if I understand you. You want me, to wangle your friend a job?" he asked, his tone clearly indicating that this request was not the dark favour she'd led him to believe it would be.

"He's not my friend. He doesn't even like me. He may even try to kill me."

His face grew stern in an instant. "Then tell me why I should be doing him any favours."

"Because he has nowhere else to go, Sirius. If he graduates without any secure prospects, he's going straight to Voldemort and never coming back," she said, her pleading gaze shifting from one silver eye to another. "His only chance not to ruin his life lies in getting a job he probably couldn't get on his own, and he has no one else to help him. Except... maybe us?" she asked uncertainly.

He studied her.

"Does this have anything to do with the broken cleansweep you burned the other day?" he asked.

Lily swallowed, not willing to divulge any information, and heartily glad that this was Sirius, and that he wouldn't pry her for any more.

"Yes," she replied evenly.

He nodded.

"Very well, I'll see what I can do."

She hugged him tightly. "Thank you, Sirius," she mumbled into his robes.

He gave her back a pat or two. "There there, Cariad. It's nothing."

"Well!" came a shrill voice to their right. Lily immediately pulled away and looked to see who had spoken. A petite witch in a lime green professional but femininely cut dress robes approached them. "If it isn't Sirius Black!"

"Sui generis," he replied.

"Your Lily Evans is looking lovely this evening," the stranger commented.

Without even looking at her he said automatically, "She's second to none." Then amended a moment later, "Well... second to _me_."

Lily grinned at his narcissism, and feeling instantly less nervous, remarked, "That's as good as any of us can hope for."

He smirked approvingly at this but didn't comment.

The small brunette extended her hand towards Lily, and she had no choice but to take it if she didn't want to seem incredibly rude. Going by Sirius, this woman was someone he disliked, but wasn't openly hostile to. She'd follow his lead. "Gertrude Gibbons, Witch Weekly."

_Ah_. Well, that explained how she knew both her and Sirius. She'd most likely worked with him and was no doubt aware of the article her magazine did on her and James in December. Perhaps she'd even been there when they were doing the interview and photo shoot.

"I suppose it would be pointless to introduce myself," she said, trying to adopt Sirius' snide tone but with limited success.

Gertrude Gibbons snorted and turned back to Sirius. "We've missed you at Weekly," she told him.

Lily wondered if Sirius had slept with this witch.

"I'm sure," he drawled sarcastically.

Suddenly she whipped out a large quill and parchment, and both Lily and Sirius stiffened, though Sirius less perceptibly.

"So what brings you to Hogwarts, Sirius? Is it this charming witch or do you have other motives?"

Sirius bared his teeth in one of his non-smiles.

"I don't do interviews, you know that."

"Can't blame a witch for trying," she said with a shrug before turning to Lily. Sirius snatched the quill from her.

"Neither does she," he said firmly.

"Now be nice, Sirius. Just because you insist on being a spoil-sport doesn't mean you have to ruin it for everyone. Just a few questions on what she's been doing since Dover. We've heard a few rumours about Hogwarts' Head Girl..."

"_Gertie,_" Sirius crooned, and leaned in as if flirtatiously, whispering something in the woman's ear. Her smile instantly wilted into an expression of alarm. When Sirius pulled away he put a finger to his lips and winked, as if asking her to keep a secret.

She swallowed thickly, nodded, and without even a glance in Lily's direction, she bolted.

"What did you say to her?" Lily demanded in a whisper. "She looked as if you terrorized her."

"I did," he said nonchalantly.

Lily gasped. "Sirius! What did you do?"

He shrugged unconcernedly. "Simply asked her to relay a message, a reminder, if you will, to her employer of what would happen if her magazine published a word about me."

"And... what _would_ happen?" she asked nervously.

Sirius only winked and tapped his nose.

.

Lily spent the rest of the evening with Hagrid. Sirius had left shortly after dispatching Gibbons. It lasted longer than Lily would have wished, and she was one of the first to retire. She sat up in front of the fire waiting for James. She didn't change out of her dress robes into more comfortable clothes either. Lily hadn't forgotten that heated moment on the front steps, and hoped he hadn't either. She was willing to pick up where they left off and hoped that her ensemble would... _inspire_ him.

Although she didn't think the dress mattered one way or another in the end, the way she pounced on him the moment he entered her rooms.

He lifted his eyebrows in surprise.

"I want you," she said simply.

He smirked. "I'm all yours," he said generously.

Once again, he started out too softly, not as softly as last time but still too cautious for her urgency. When her fingers dove into his hair she delighted in the tangle of messy curls she found. _Yes_. This was what she wanted. James. Only James.

.

Thoroughly satisfied (twice) she lay snuggled under her blankets and James' arms.

His breath was warm on the back of her neck, blowing her hair a bit with each exhalation.

Her mind wandered, as minds are want to do, especially when one is about to go to sleep. It lingered in various places, in Surrey with Petunia, on the grounds where Roo's funeral had been, the dungeons where she'd last brewed, the Great Hall where they had just spent their evening, Spinner's End where she'd last seen Severus...

_Severus_.

_James._  
Was it possible to be faithful to two opposing people? If you tried did that mean you were automatically disloyal to both? Lily tossed and turned, trying to decide whether her love of both men made her the worst of women. She wasn't cheating on James with Severus, but there were other, deeper ways to betray someone. If either knew the absolute truth about the other, would they both turn from her? It would certainly reveal the depth of their affection. But that was one test she was too terrified to take.

Severus had betrayed Voldemort to save her, was flouting his master's wishes even by being kind to her. Was he the ultimate betrayer? No. There might be better men, nobler men, more handsome men, or kinder men, but Lily was certain that there wasn't a more loyal man than Severus Snape, to her, anyway.  
The same, however, she felt couldn't be said of her. She felt like she was betraying everyone she loved. Betraying even the Order, for she knew the exact location of a Death Eater home and the wards to get inside, but had absolutely no intention of divulging that information.

Having finally decided that she was, in fact, a horrible person, she fell asleep trying to think of an ingredient that was in a potion with both valerian and _originam dictamus_. She'd beat Severus yet.

x

James had woken up to use the toilet and crawled back under the duvet to return hopefully to the rather pleasant dream he'd been having. He had _just_ drifted off again when Lily shouted, "Belladonna!" sitting bolt upright in bed.

James snorted sleepily, and when the understanding that she had neither insulted him, nor called out another man's name, he fell back to the pillow. It wouldn't be the first time she'd recited potion ingredients in her sleep. James mumbled something, unintelligible even to him, and wrapped an arm around her to pull her back in, and fell asleep again almost immediately.


	72. In Which the Inevitable Occurs

_Author's Note: I beg on my hands and knees for your pardon for the long time (3 months, is it?) between posts. The area in which I live is prone to brown-outs and black outs and because of this, one evening my computer... my __**new**__ computer, fried out on me and I was without it for months. It was a dark and difficult time, no reading, no writing, not talking to friends, no shopping on amazon dot com and creating wish list after wish list. It wasn't as if I could have taken it to the nearest Best Buy or PC World, so I waited for months until the Christmas vacation to go back to the states and get it repaired. Now, you might be wondering why I didn't just ship it back to the states like I did before during my time in Spain (if you've been reading long enough to remember that debacle.) Simply put, I couldn't because Iraq has no postal service. I don't even have an address. Sending things in and out is tremendously difficult and it would require my travelling to another city hours away to use an American Army base (which does have post) but I didn't have time or money for such a trip, so I had to continue waiting in darkness._

_Christmas time took me back to the U.S. and between blizzards I managed to get my computer up and working again by threatening the repair guy that if he didn't succeed, by the time I was through with him he'd feel like used and unflushed toilet paper. _

_So now I have my laptop! (And a Kindle, Hurrah!) Though when I returned to Iraq (without my luggage, which they __**still**__ haven't found after a week) we didn't have internet. So that needed to be fixed, and now it has been and all is right with the world (except for that lost luggage, grr...) Luckily, I had taken my Kindle and laptop with me as carry-on, so the essentials did not go missing. All in all, I'm quite content. _

_I'd like to thank those who wished EOM a happy birthday. Two years old! I hadn't realised that until you pointed it out. Maybe by this time next year it will be finished..._

_Maybe not..._

_I __**will**__ however, take the advice of Matt (whoever you are) and try to break it down into smaller more readable chapters (though cutting a chapter __**down **__to 20,000 words still seems ridiculous). _

_The entirety of this one is finished, but I'll only be posting the first part. When you have all read it, I'll post the second. Warning: there's a lot of mush in this chapter that simply needed out. Sorry, but there it is._

**Chapter 72: **_**In Which Things That Ought to Have Been Expected Occur**_

_**Belladona**_

Severus sat staring at the missive for many minutes, flabbergasted.

It was her writing. There was no doubt in his mind about that.

He was already silently certain that he had seen her. This was merely further proof. There was only one thing this short missive could mean, and it certainly proved that he had been right in choosing to forget having met with her. They had played the game. What on _earth_ could have happened to put them at such ease so as to be able to play it again? As if nothing had happened? As if she was a fourth year again? What had he done to regain her trust?

Severus suddenly felt angry with himself for not being able to remember their encounter. It must have been pleasant, and he hadn't seen a lot of that these days.

Or ever...

Still, he couldn't possibly write back. Couldn't encourage her in this. He couldn't afford to have her in his life and she certainly couldn't afford to have him in hers.

Resolving not to reply, he hoped that the lack of response would keep her from writing again. _Ever again._ He needed to be well and truly rid of her if he was ever going to be a consummate Death Eater.

And yet he still held her note in his hand.

What harm was there in that? It was just one scrap of parchment. No one but he would recognise the hand even _if_ they ever came across it. A Death Eater Potions Master with the name of a powerful poison wouldn't raise an eyebrow let alone a suspicion. He could keep it, just as a reminder. A reminder that he needed to forget her.

Having firmly decided, he flipped open his notebook to the page with the strand of her hair and slipped it inside, cursing himself.

_Belladonna._

It had been _he_ who had first explained to her that lethal herb.

"_**Atropa Belladonna**__." Severus had said, holding it up for her to see but not touch. "Deadly nightshade. Do you know who Atropos was?"_

_Lily shook her head._

"_One of the three Fates from Greek mythology. __**Atropa bella donna**__ came from the old Greek warning, 'Do not betray a beautiful lady.'"_

"_Or she will poison you?" Lily asked, full of youthful and innocent curiosity._

"_Something along those lines," replied Severus, both disinclined and unqualified to go into the finer points about the fairer sex. _

**Since that conversation years ago he had learned much more about the great and dark arts and various poisons. His education about women had continued to be neglected. **

**x**

"I don't want to go…" James groaned from under the covers. He was referring to going to work on a Sunday morning.

"Poor James," Lily soothed, running her fingers through his wonderfully untidy hair. It was true though, he really was overworked. But then again, so were all of the aurors these days. MLE was understaffed, especially the Aurory.

She finally convinced him to get out of bed and take a shower, telling him that was what _she_ planned on doing and he was more than welcome to join. A joint shower was something that James loved and Lily rarely allowed in the morning. But he needed a bit of coaxing and she felt that his day would be rotten enough, she might as well give it a good start at least.

.

"Come on, walk me to Hogsmeade," he entreated, not letting go of her hand as she meant to say goodbye at the portrait hole. He was not looking forward to his day and wanted to drag out the pleasant bits (meaning her) as long as possible.

She really didn't need much convincing. As there was only one passage that was spacious enough for the two of them to walk abreast, they chose the one behind the great mirror. Still hand in hand, they strolled (perhaps a bit more slowly than usual) down the dark channel, carrying on the most ridiculously frivolous conversation. It was so light-hearted, they joked, they laughed, they did silly bits of magic just for fun. Perhaps the ball the previous day had lightened their spirits, or perhaps they were purposefully ignoring everything but themselves.

At the end of the passage James leaned in and kissed her soundly goodbye. When he pulled away, he rested his forehead against hers and said, "I don't suppose there is any chance you'd come to London?"

"You think Moody would allow me to sit there and distract you the whole time?"

The sound that came from him almost constituted a whine. "I don't want to go…"

"You have to. The sooner you go, the sooner you can finish and the sooner you can come back."

James snorted unhappily. "Hardly. The work of an auror is _never_ done. Quitting time is only a matter of when you collapse from exhaustion."

"Poor dear," she said both sympathetically and teasingly at the same time before kissing him.

James took a deep breath, burying his hands in her hair. "What would I do without you?" he whispered.

Lily was startled. What had brought this up? She knew James was reluctant but that was a rather intense statement, considering how flippant they'd been only moments before.

"James?" she asked nervously. "Is there something you aren't telling me? What's wrong?"

"Nothing, heart. Nothing. I'm just whinging." He kissed her again briefly. "Meet me for lunch at one?"

"Where?"

He looked at her as if she were stupid. "The Head, of course."

"But..." Lily didn't want to ruin this for him but she had to point it out. "Shouldn't you check the _**Research Room**_? Make sure the shifts haven't changed?"

He growled. "That'll take five minutes and I have a half hour."

"So I'll see you at Aberforth's at six past one?" she asked.

He kissed her again and disapparated.

Alone in the passage, Lily took a moment to stop and think, organising her head. Once again she listened, only to reassure herself that she really couldn't hear any curse murmuring to her. She smiled slightly, but it quickly faded as she headed back down the passage. She had much to do that day.

For the first time in over a week she ate breakfast in the Great Hall. She sat at her usual seat with the Gryffindor Quidditch team but it wasn't the same, and everyone knew it. Nobody mentioned it though. With Roo gone, did she even have an invitation to sit with them? If not, what was the alternative? Her former dorm-mates? Victoria White might have been kind to her in light of Roo's death, but how long would that pity keep the usual venom at bay?

So many of her housemates had liked her until this year. She had enjoyed being popular, but popularity was a fickle thing. The rise of the Dark Lord and the spike in blood crimes had kept most at a distance. Those who had always been friendly now politely ignored her. Those who didn't like her, now openly expressed it, when before they had kept it to themselves. After 7 years of being one of the 'most liked' people of her house she was now worrying about where to sit at meals, where she would be accepted.

Insecurity overcoming her former desire for fellowship, Lily rose, having a mind to go to the kitchens.

"You don't have to," said Davies. It was a moment before Lily determined that he had, in fact, been addressing her.

"What?" she asked, still unsure. She didn't want to misinterpret anything.

"I know it's awkward," he admitted. "But you don't have to go."

Slowly, uncertainly, she sat back down again. Colum nodded.

He made an obvious effort to involve her in the conversation, and she wasn't sure if she was touched or embarrassed by this gesture. She thought she'd rather sit there in silence like Archie. Angleton never really spoke, and she found that comforting. She preferred no conversation to forced conversation.

It wasn't all Quidditch talk. In fact, it was only mentioned perhaps three or four times throughout the whole meal, which, considering the group, was saying something. As it happened, they were discussing their future careers. Two members of the team were seventh years and would soon be preparing for their N.E.W.T.s, and two of them were fifth years, who were doing likewise for their O.W.L.s. It wasn't a new discussion by any means. It was a topic they often discussed, debated over, and asked opinions about. It seemed that everyone was rethinking their life goals, and reconsidering previous plans and choices.

Being (however reluctantly) involved in the conversation she admitted that while she maintained in her course to be an auror, she wished she'd carried on with more classes, mainly Herbology and perhaps Arithmancy as well.

"In fact," she admitted. "I'm going to see Dumbledore later today to see if he'll let me do an independent study or two. Perhaps I could sit the N.E.W.T if I really work hard."

She really hoped Dumbledore said yes. She wasn't setting a precedent by any means doing an independent study, but she worried the Headmaster might refuse on account that she already had enough to be getting on with. Lily didn't agree. She _wanted _more work. She _needed_ more work. And if she was going to be Potions Mistress for the Order she _needed_ that Herbology N.E.W.T. She'd need to talk to Professor Sprout as well.

.

Delighted to have received permission to study on her own (for as many N.E.W.T.s as she wished!) she was filled with a fresh wave of academic vigour, and left Dumbledore's office and went immediately to the library to work, completing her own assignments due that week and checking out a few Herbology texts. Flipping to a page at random she spied a picture and definition of _Belladonna_, deadly nightshade, and chuckled to herself.

'_Do not betray a beautiful lady' _she recalled Severus telling her. She remembered equally clearly Sirius drawling in that way of his, '_In general there is nothing more dangerous than a beautiful woman._' There must be some truth to it if so disparate people had the same opinion, not to mention the man who named the herb in the first place. Actually, Sirius and Severus weren't all that different. In fact, barring their physical appearance (which wasn't even without similarities) they were very much alike in essentials. Perhaps that's why they had loathed one another.

The occupants of the library (mostly Ravenclaws) began to vacate and Lily realised that the Great Hall was about to serve lunch. James didn't have his break for another hour so she took the opportunity to enjoy having the library to herself. She was amazed to discover how orderly her thoughts were. Her essays that morning had veritably flowed from her quill. She really did enjoy work, especially at this level when it was theory and research. Charms was a delight, Potions a treat, and Transfiguration was... a satisfying challenge.

When students began to trickle back in she knew that was her cue to leave.

She had purposefully arrived before James did so she could order first. That way the food would be ready when he got there. He didn't have much of a lunch break and it wouldn't do for him to spend most of it waiting around for a meal he wouldn't even have time to eat.

She'd learned from her mistakes and kept her hood up this time. She wanted no one to recognise her. She couldn't afford any more incidents. Still, she looked around the dingy pub, looking for, but not finding, any unpleasant familiar faces. Not that that meant they weren't there. Most everyone else was shrouded in concealing cloaks and hoods as well. That was one thing about the Hogshead she wasn't sure she liked or not. One could be sitting next to one's best friend or worst enemy just a table away and not even know it.

The plates (of steak and kidney pie, what else) were placed in front of her and Aberforth trudged off, grumbling. She put a heating charm on it so it wouldn't get cold as she sat and waited. When James did arrive (at a quarter past) he strode unerringly to her and sat, not across from her where his lunch was, but next to her. Ducking his face under her hood to conceal them both, he kissed her in greeting.

"_Hallo, heart,_" he whispered, then pulled out and pulled his plate toward him, tucking into his food with gusto.

Lily grinned and began eating as well. Between bites she asked lowly, "How did it go?"

"Still open," he whispered back.

Meaning they still had a window of breaking into the Research Room, even if they didn't yet know how to remove the map undetected. It was the fact that no magic could be performed in the room without alerting the occupants that was the problem. James thought that he might be able to get around the affixation of the map to the wall with a very cunning bit of transfiguration, but there was no way he could do it unnoticed. It was as if James had fulfilled his part of the scheme, and it was her job to finish it. Of course, that wasn't really how it was, but that's how she felt. She didn't want to let him down.

Presently, he didn't seem all that disappointed in her though. He finished his food in record time, and once again she felt sad that this meeting was so hurried. 15 minutes together and too many of them already gone, though she should have known that James would insist on being late back to work.

When they finished their food, James carelessly threw some silver on the table, and tugged her out of the establishment by her elbow. She went willingly. In the alley beside the Hogshead he pressed her close, exquisitely sandwiched between him and the stone wall of the pub.

"How are you?" he asked. Lily blinked, feeling wrong footed. His body language clashed with his words, which were casual, detached and polite. With the way his mouth had leant in so close she had been sure he was about to do something else. Something she wouldn't have complained about.

"I'm..." she fumbled for something suitable. "I'm waiting,' she said at last, a not so subtle hint.

He chuckled and kissed her.

"I spoke to Dumbledore," she began after a pleasurable but brief interlude. This was the first time she'd told him about her plan, and she wondered how he'd respond. "I've been given permission to do independent study classes to take my N.E.W.T.s."

His brows drew together. "In lieu of your normal classes?" he asked, puzzled.

"In addition to," she clarified. Though she thought it might be a nice idea to drop History of Magic and study that on her own as well, it might free up some time. It was an option to consider, at any rate. In fact, when she had first mentioned it to the Headmaster he had thought the same thing as James had, and hadn't seemed adverse to the idea. "I was thinking Herbology, mainly."

He grinned knowingly. "Mainly? No secretly studying Ancient Runes and Arithmancy on the side?"

He knew her too well. She grinned back. He kissed her again.

"Don't you have to go?" she asked.

His face fell and he brought up his wrist between them to glance at his watch. "Yes. How kind of you to point that out," he commented unfeelingly.

She gave him a peck on the cheek. "Don't let Moody keep you too late, or he'll have me to answer to."

His eyes sparkled with amusement and he tightened his hold around her waist, pulling her closer. "I'll be sure to tell him that." He would too, she was sure. He kissed her quickly. "And now, as you said, I must be off." With another few frenzied kisses on various parts of her face, he disapparated, leaving her still giggling after he was gone.

She realised he was doing this for her benefit. Having her walk him to the village, and having lunch in the Hogshead when he really didn't have the time. He was trying to keep her spirits up and her mind off of Roo. It was precisely the sort of thing Roo himself would have done...

Lily found she didn't particularly fancy being alone, and spent the early afternoon visiting Hagrid, sometimes conversing, sometimes doing their separate work in companionable silence. Hagrid would often step out for a few minutes at a stretch to see to something. This latest time he took his large scandalously pink umbrella with him. Lily smirked slightly, knowing that Hagrid intended on doing magic.

Having finished her essays, she was doing some transfiguration revision, consequently turning all his tea things into bedding, and all his bedding into tea things. Getting them all exactly as they had been, that was the difficult part. She might have fudged a bit, using a bit of charm work to get the colour on a few patches of his quilt just right.

The half-giant galumphed in a time later, sniffling from the cold, carrying a feathered lump in his hands.

"Hagrid! What's this?" she asked, though it was clearly a dead owl he held. Its wings were bent at odd angles, clearly broken.

"Found'im at the foot o'the Owlery. Wouldn't even've seen'm if I adn't dropped my wan—er... brolly over the side." He tapped the umbrella-wand affectionately, while still looking sadly at the poor battered creature. Insects were crawling around and through the uneven plumage.

"Oh dear," Lily said with remorse. It truly was a pathetic sight.

"Only died recen'ly. Injury like tha' he probably would've slowly starved to death. If he'd been found earlier he could have been put to rights."

Hagrid turned the poor bird over, knocking larvae out of the carcass. It was then that she recognised him

_Oh poor poor Dragon_.

"It really gets my goat when people are cruel to the animals when tryin ter intercept owls."

"Intercept? You think someone tried to intercept him?"

"No other way to get injuries like tha'. The thestrals here don't hunt owls an' they 'ave no other predators. You don't break your wings in 'alf by flying too much, tha's for certain."

No wonder James hadn't been able to find Dragon this last week or so. Lily had just assumed he'd been out hunting. _Intercepted?_ What was the last thing James sent using Dragon? Wait, no, if he was caught near the owlery it would have been from London to him. Probably Moody.

It was a comfort to know that all of Moody's letters where spelled to let only the intended reader open them. Still, James needed to be notified, as did the Headmaster that someone had been intercepting owls. She somehow doubted it was Filch, but surely a magic person should have been able to use a charm or a small hex to get at the bird? Unless he or she simply wanted to be cruel. Or perhaps took out his or her temper at not being able to read the letter on the owl himself. It would take vast quantities of ineptitude to injure an owl that much accidentally.

She knew that it was perhaps silly to cry over an aged owl, but she couldn't seem to help herself. Hagrid didn't judge her for it, certainly. It wasn't just Dragon, it was everything. She suddenly wanted James back right then; her good mood from lunch had completely evaporated.

"I better go tell the Headmaster, Hagrid. You'll bury Dragon, won't you?"

"O' course. I bury all the creatures I find."

She gave him a sad smile and packed her bag to return to the castle to report the bad news. More bad news. There was almost always more bad news, it seemed.

x

Job searching again. The cycle continues. Remus thought his life was dominated by cycles. Moon cycles. It affected everything about him. He had scanned the Prophet but didn't find anything of much promise. He had weak hopes for a post as a shop assistant in a small magical booksellers in Edinburgh but suspected the position would likely go to a better candidate. His employment record was dodgy, and employers mistrusted people who have clearly not been able to hold on to a job. Still, he wouldn't know until he tried.

Remus didn't think he could handle all the drama of moving out and moving back in again once he'd lost the post (if he even got it, which was doubtful.) He'd have to continue living at the London flat, however strange it was between him and Sirius at present.

Things had calmed. They were no longer fighting about dabbling. Or anything, really. Remus wasn't sure what had changed but something definitely had. That day especially, Sirius had been strangely cordial. Granted, Sirius could put on airs when he wanted to, but this was different. He paid particular interest to everything Remus had said that morning, and went out of his way to make conversation over breakfast, which was usually a silent affair. Remus couldn't place it, couldn't put his finger on it, and it bothered him.

If Hogwarts balls where anything like they used to be (and he doubted much had changed in six years) the dance had ended long before Sirius came home but Remus had all but given up on finding out where Sirius went at night. It could very likely have been that he had simply taken up with another woman. Or it could be something else entirely. Sirius wasn't like James or Peter. It wasn't instantly obvious that he'd had a shag the night before. He didn't grin, or gloat, or strut, and he always washed afterward, so Remus could never catch the scent either.

Remus flicked his wand at the periodical, neatly snipping out the advert and slid the sliver of paper into his pocket.

"I'm off to Edinburgh," he called.

"Whatever for?" Sirius called back from upstairs.

"Going to see about a position in a bookshop."

The door opened and Sirius appeared at the top of the stairs. "I say, a bookshop sounds just the thing, doesn't it?"

"It would be nice," Remus agreed.

"Mind if I come?" Sirius asked. Remus' eyebrows rose in surprise but he replied 'certainly,' all the same. What reason did he have for saying no? Oh, that's right, so that Sirius wouldn't see him being humiliated when the shop owner laughed and threw his CV back in his face and shouted at him to get out.

Sirius tactfully began to wander the shop. Perhaps he really did mean to browse for books. He'd amassed quite a library in the London flat and the man seemed ever to be reading. Strange that this was the first time he'd ever seen him actively shopping for books (apart from school texts back in their Hogwarts days.)

Remus straightened his robes, cleared his throat, and approached the wrinkled, wispy haired witch at the till.

"Are you still hiring?" he asked. It was then that another person entered. She clutched a parchment to her and, like him, went straight to the proprietor.

She was young. Pretty. Much better candidate than he was. He was too shabby looking.

"We are," said the older witch in a no-nonsense attitude. She held out her hand expectantly, not looking up from her work. He cautiously handed her his CV and stepped back. She continued writing, her quill zipping back and forth furiously without making a single blot on the page. Remus wondered what kind of quill she was using.

"Come on, you too," she barked. The girl looked at Remus uncertainly and mouthed, '_me?_' pointing at herself.

"I think so," he replied, nodding.

The elder witch's hand was now beckoning impatiently and the girl quickly complied, handing her CV over. She stepped back and stood there next to Remus, waiting. However the older witch did nothing but keep working. She did call out to Sirius once.

"Can I help you find something?"

"I'm fine, thank you," he replied, opening a volume and flicking through the first few pages.

Remus turned to his fellow applicant. "I think that's it for us."

"Right." From the one word she'd spoken Remus gathered the witch was Scottish. Perhaps even a local.

Remus, having nothing better to do, went over to Sirius.

"Find anything interesting?" he whispered. They _were_ in a bookshop after all.

"Nothing as interesting as what you've found over there," Sirius replied with a slight smirk.

He turned his gaze back to the witch at the front of the shop who was now browsing the stack of best-sellers on the table. Her large brown eyes looked just like Lily's when she was in her animagus form. She was just the type that would do for Sirius for a weekend or so but Sirius nodded encouragingly to him and mouthed, "_go on." _

Remus tilted his head questioningly to the side in what he realised belatedly to be a dog-like manner.

"Chat her up, go on, she's not going to stand there all day. She will stop waiting eventually."

"You do it," Remus said. Truth of the matter was, he was long out of practice and he didn't fancy showing Sirius, brilliant seducer that he was, how rusty he'd become.

"I would," Sirius admitted. "But she wants you. I'll see you back in London."

And with that, Sirius strode out of the shop, tossing a coin onto the witch's paperwork without even waiting for change. Well at least that made things slightly less embarrassing. Now there would only be two witnesses. He couldn't even ask the witch to tea, as he had no money.

"So, do you live around here?"

"Oh aye. All my life."

He smiled at the warmth in her voice. He extended his hand. "I'm Remus Lupin."

She flushed slightly and looked away. "I know who you are. I don't imagine there was anyone at school who _didn't_ know the Marauders."

"Ah." Remus felt suddenly much more confident. He offered her an elbow. "Fancy a stroll?"

x

James sat in between Gideon and Fabian. He caught Al's eye from across the room and winked. Frank's eyes never left Moody as the one-eyed, one-legged man spoke. He knew Agatha was trying to catch his eye but he carefully ignored her, returning his gaze to Moody.

He, Agatha, Frank, Alice, Gideon and Fabian. The old unit had been thrown back together for expediency's sake. They were all going to Shropshire immediately. The muggle town was under attack even as they sat there.

.

The aurors of the Ministry of Magic where not having the best time of it. Outnumbered, they weren't making the best showing. It was out of sheer desperation that James managed to put an end to everything, almost accidentally. The fight was frenzied around him. He was on the ground, had just fumbled his lost wand back into his hand, rolled onto his back and pointed his weapon at the trio about to attack him... again.

"Immobilus!" he shouted loudly. He felt a powerful frisson throughout his entire body and surge out his wand. Then, not only did his opponents freeze, but every single person in the square as well. Friends, foes, innocent muggles alike, all froze in time. Birds too, few though they had been, were paralyzed mid flight. Curses that were flying through the air stopped, appearing as solid streaks of coloured light. James stood there for a moment in shock, walking through the frozen scene. It was bizarre. Even more bizarre was his urge to get his hands on some ink and a quill and scribble moustaches and naughty messages on the Death Eaters (and probably Gid and Fab's) faces. And maybe change their hair to unmanly colours too.

When reality caught up with him, he knew that other muggles could enter the town at any moment. He pointed his wand at Frank and mobilised him once again. This small amount of magic was inordinately difficult for him, and he only just managed to bring him around after the third attempt.

"What happened?" asked Frank, bewildered.

"_I _happened," James answered arrogantly. "Look around."

"Bloody hell!" said Frank, his eyes widening as he took in the scene, pointing his wand at Alice automatically. "He froze us all," he explained to her.

Alice, once she'd shaken the vapours from her head looked around, taking in Frank's explanation.

"Someone will have to get magical reversal in here. And unfreeze the rest of them," said James. "I don't think I can."

He wasn't physically exhausted. Well, he was, but not uncommonly so. He was magically depleted, though, something that he'd only read about.

"I don't think I could even light my wand, at this stage," he admitted.

Frank and Al made quick work of bringing their team around and summoning more magical law enforcement, along with other ministry employees. They needed obliviators as well, as a number of muggles were involved. It was interesting, watching the team of workers dodge and weave through the curse light, so they wouldn't walk through any hexes.

"Merlin, James, I don't know how you're doing this," said Fabian to his right. The redheaded twin was poking a Death Eater's nose first in one direction, then in the other, giving it an odd wiggling effect.

Seeing as all of the opposition was still frozen, they made a clean and easy business of disarming them, binding them and taking them away. James personally (and anxiously) followed the team around as they went through and unmasked each Death Eater. James couldn't place why he felt apprehensive, and the feeling didn't vanish until the last masked man had been identified and taken away. Relieved, but at what he didn't know, he allowed Fabian to side him along back to London.

Moody was full of praise, or as full as Moody ever could be. He was going on about innovation and waxed poetic (in rather stilted and unimaginative prose) on the sheer power of his attack. It had taken a fair bit of magic to do it, an amount most witches and wizards didn't possess.

Someone from an unnamed section of the Ministry came to talk to him. James' lip curled when he realised he was being marked.

The Ministry liked to keep tabs on particularly powerful witches and wizards. It was the same principle that had led to the enforcement of animagus registration. They wanted to know who could do it, and what they'd become so as to minimise their advantage as best they could. Being forewarned is forearmed, and all that. And now, after he'd been purposefully careful not to reveal that he was an animagus, he'd gone and been marked anyway.

No doubt Voldemort had access to that list.

Now that James was thinking about it, he was incredibly curious to see who else was on it. It was certainly something to look into.

James smiled charmingly at the witch taking down his information. "I'm sorry, love, I didn't catch your name."

"Fanny Fitzgibbons."

It took restraint of epic proportions for James _not_ to ridicule that name or make any fanny jokes. It went against his very nature but he managed to hold back, just barely.

"Been working here at the Ministry long, Fanny?" _Don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh. Show solidarity. We are both Ministry employees. _

"Seven years."

"Six for me," he said. "Started off immediately in auror training. You?"

34 minutes and two cups of coffee later, James finally had what he wanted, and waved goodbye to Fanny (finally allowing that long desired snicker) with a promise to owl her. When he was more magically capable and had his invisibility cloak on him, he would be visiting the Hall of Records, and possibly confounding the clerk on duty in order to see that list. James wondered what he would do, how he would have got by without that cloak. It had made countless enterprises possible. Some of the best times of his life he'd been invisible.

"You know Agatha saw that whole performance, don't you?" Frank asked amusedly from behind him.

"Oh. Saw that, did you?"

"I'd say most of the cafeteria did. Alice and I have a bet on."

"Oh?"

"Yeh. I reckon it was a prank at her expense. Alice figures you have some sneaky ulterior motive that involves something illegal."

"Al wins yet again."

Frank grimaced. "Think I could just _tell_ her you were having a laugh. She'd never know unless she asked you and you could just..."

"Tsk tsk. I never lie to witches," James said loftily.

"So you were telling the truth when you told Ms. Fitsgibbons you'd be owling her then?" Frank said crossing his arms and arching his eyebrows.

"Who?"

"The witch you were just talking to."

"I have no idea what you mean," James replied innocently.

"You sly bastard."

"I might also mention that I have a conveniently dodgy memory."

"Prat. Ready to go?"

"Go?"

"Hogwarts. I'm going to escort you to see you get back home safely."

"You're such a gentleman," he said batting his eyelashes at his friend coquettishly. "Hold on, let me go powder my nose and then we'll go."

Frank snorted, then a curious expression crossed his face. "You know, I've never really understood that expression," he admitted. "Powdering a nose sounds an awfully painful thing for a witch to put herself through."

"What?"

" Do you reckon they use a traditional mortar and pestle?"

"It's not like powdering a bicorn horn, mate. As far as I understand it it's more like a glamour charm."

"Then why don't they say, 'I've got to go _charm_ my nose'?"

"You know, I'm not quite sure."

Both men fell into contemplative silence, pondering mysteries of nose powdering.

Eventually the silence was broken by Alice. "What has you two looking so pensive?" she asked them.

James and Frank exchanged a quick understanding look.

"Manly things," replied James.

"Broomsticks," grunted Frank.

"Firewhiskey," James added.

"Dragon taming."

"Curse breaking."

Frank let out a manly belch, a trick he could perform on cue that James had always envied him. Of course there were belching beverages and hexes that could produce similar results, but it wasn't the same as simply being able to do it on command like Frank could.

Since James couldn't belch he scratched his arse ostentatiously. "Wizard talk," James concluded, making sure his voice was extra gruff.

Alice rolled her eyes. "Alright fine, don't tell me."

"I'm finished here. Soon as I drop off this useless lump back at Hogwarts I'll be home." Frank kissed his wife and dragged James by the robe sleeves to the nearest apparition point.

"Such a charmer," James pointed out.

"Shut up, it's been a week and a half since we've both been off this early in the day. Hopefully she won't be too tired when I get home."

"She shouldn't be, as I did all the heavy lifting tonight," James pointed out smugly. Still, he sympathised with Frank. It seemed that long hours had a deleterious effect on Frank and Alice's love life.

"Arrogant prat," Frank retorted. "Wonder if you'd be so cocky if I whipped out my wand right now and bat-bogeyed you."

"Rub it in, mate. Rub it in." Though James didn't really care. The fact that he was out of magic now was testament to how much he had expended in the skirmish. All in one go. He really wished Lily had been there to see him.

He ached all over, a side-effect of the overexertion, but other than that he was fine. James wondered if Lily might give him a massage when he got home.

Strange, he thought, how quickly her bedroom, bathroom, sitting room and fire had come to mean home for him. And herself too, of course. _She_ was home. And he wanted to go home. But he was under orders to go to the Hospital Wing first.

He was going to send his patronus to Lily, to let him know where he was, but she was already there helping Poppy. She hadn't seen him yet and a devious plan hatched in his brain.

He slung an arm around Frank's shoulders. "Go on, pretend I'm injured and you are dragging me in."

"That's just cruel," said Frank, but complied all the same.

James was secretly pleased to see Lily completely blanch when he came in, being half-carried by Frank. It was nice to have someone worry about him. An equal pleasure was to smile reassuringly at her and see her exhale in relief.

"Bring him here, Frank," she said softly, transfiguring a chair into a makeshift bed. All the others were taken.

He sat down on it and laid back, Lily quickly conjuring a pillow before his head made it all the way down. He loved being fussed over.

"I'm gravely wounded. I might not make it."

"Don't even joke about that, James," she chided sternly, then turned to Frank. "What happened?"

"Drained himself, that's all. Magical depletion. Apparently it's very rare. He's here merely for observation."

Her eyebrows rose. "What did you do?"

"I froze _everything_, Lily. Oh it was amazing. _I _was amazing, you should have seen it. Want to give me a massage?"

"Wait, what? Explain."

"I was fighting these Death Eaters right?" he started, getting excited. "We were outnumbered, two, perhaps three-to-one."

"Why not make it ten-to-one? That would make a better story," Frank remarked with an eye-roll, though he was unable to fully hide the grin.

"The odds were against us," James continued. "I'd already been grazed by a slicing hex and I—oh. Right. You should probably see that." He started to try to remove his cloak and robes but Lily lovingly slapped his hands away and took over.

"Go on."

He did so as she undressed him.

"Well, I'd been hit with a slicing hex on my wand arm, and some magical backlash from explosion behind me had me off my feet. I almost fell on my wand, and then I'd've been proper fucked, but someone disarmed me as I was flying through the air. He really ought to have just summoned my wand, but as it happened it landed about half way from where he stood and where I landed.

"That was a scramble," he said, snorting with laughter. "I think I did wandless magic, actually!" he said, surprised that he'd just come to this realisation. "Because as I was crawling to it, I simply thought, 'That bastard better not touch my wand' and suddenly I had it. I didn't give it much thought at the time, because he and two others had begun to combine against me. Thank you," he said, when she finished healing the slice on his arm.

"I was desperate, thinking that one or all of them, if I gave them any time, would AK me, so I though hard about stopping all three with one spell, thinking it was my only chance. I knew it would take a fair effort, so I just pushed the spell as hard as I could to stop them all and... and I stopped them _all._ Not just the three Death Eaters but everyone! Not a single movement from anyone or anything as far as the eye could see. And that was the end of that battle."

"But now... you have no magic?" she asked sadly.

"It'll come back," he said confidently, though secretly he experienced a moment of panic, simply by imagining having lost it forever.

She smiled down at him, smoothing back his hair from his forehead. He revelled in the attention.

"But I do rather ache all over," he reminded her.

"You said something about a massage?" she asked, grinning.

"Get lost, Longbottom," James said, not taking his eyes off Lily.

Frank chuckled. "Later James. It was nice to see you again, Lily."

She turned to him. "Thanks Frank, for bringing him. Tell Alice hello for me."

"Will do."

She hoisted one hip onto his cot so that she was half sitting next to him.

"Ah you should have seen me, Lily. I was a legend," he said, locking his hands behind his head.

She chuckled. "I'm sure you were."

"I don't think I'm picking up enough credulity on your part. I'm half tempted to borrow the Headmaster's pensieve and make you take a look. I immobilised _everyone_. They had to call in the lads from Magical Reversal to come in and modify memories where necessary. Loads of muggles saw, but my having frozen them all made it easier." He sighed, still smiling happily. "14 arrests," he said again, pleased with himself.

"You were wonderful, darling," she said, leaning over his bed and kissing him soundly. When it ended he didn't let go.

"Stay with me," he entreated, running his hands down her back and over her rump, pulling her into him for emphasis. He wasn't sure if Lily was aware that a fearsome victory like that gave a man a stiff wand.

"_James_," she whispered. "There are other people here that need my attention too."

He frowned.

"Not _that_ kind of attention," she reassured him with a frown of her own. "Honestly, you know that. I think you simply _like_ to be jealous every now and again."

He snorted, but didn't admit to this truth. If he could act like he was jealous when he wasn't, it made it easier to not act jealous when he was. An odd system, but it worked. Just so long as he got to act possessive on occasion.

That and he wanted to celebrate his victory.

She kissed him quickly. "I'll be back," she promised, and left to check on the other students.

"But my massage," he moaned.

"Later!" she hissed, and turned around to a frowning Madam Pomfrey. "Erm..."

Poppy turned her glare to James, who gave him his most innocent look.

The Healer indicated with a sweep of a hand the younger occupants of the Hospital Wing, and glowered in just a way that communicated precisely _exactly _what she thought of his antics and the precious virgin ears of the students.

Both Lily and Poppy went off to tend the other Hospital Wing occupants and James lay in his bed, thinking things over, grinning.

Lily returned a time later with a bottle in her hand.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Lotion," she replied.

He liked the implications of that and immediately turned around so he was lying on his stomach.

It was for his benefit that she said the spell aloud, simply so that he knew what she was doing. It was a heating charm, to warm the cream. She squeezed out a quantity onto his back and began to rub it in and... _oh Merlin_. Oh she could rub him to pieces if she wanted. Warm, contented little pieces. He groaned ecstatically.

He wanted to compliment her on being a wonderful angel masseuse, but he thought it came out slightly garbled.

'Nurfmurmm _yessssss_...."

"What?" she asked.

"Luff'you," he mumbled.

She chuckled softly.

"No, really," he insisted. She didn't realise how brilliant it felt. It wouldn't be the same if it were anyone else.

"I know," she answered.

She continued to rub and he stopped trying to say anything sensible and simply made happy noises every so often before he fell asleep.

.

It was full dark and the Hospital Wing had grown completely silent when he awoke. He sat up and put on his glasses and looked about. Lily was sleeping on a pallet on the floor a few meters away from him. He eased off his bed to squeaks of protest from the frame, making Lily sit up and look about. She really was a light sleeper. At least she was getting better about not waking up every time he rose to go to the toilet, or change positions in bed. Here in these unfamiliar surroundings, however, he wasn't surprised that she had shot awake.

"Get off the floor," he whispered. Really, it wouldn't do for her to sleep on the cold ground.

Lily shook her head.

He rolled his eyes and fixed her with a stern frown, pointing to his own bed. Really, she could enlarge it a bit to accommodate them both.

"_Come. Here!_"

Grinning, she shook her head again, and pressed a finger to her lips telling him to be quiet.

He stomped, quietly, over to her and plopped down stubbornly. "No reason to freeze on the floor when we have a real bed to go to," he pointed out. "Warmer, more comfortable... more privacy too," he said, lifting his brows suggestively.

"You aren't allowed to leave," she said.

"Oh, come off it. I've let you leave early before."

"I know, and if that were the only consideration I'd let you, but since I thought you would be here until morning I'd told Poppy I'd stay on watch tonight so she could get some sleep. Poor thing hasn't had a full night's rest in a long while," she explained quietly. "I have to stay here."

"Hmm," said James thoughtfully. "Then I suppose we will have to be very... _very_... quiet." He leaned in and kissed her and it wasn't until he had her on her back that she pushed him away.

"What are you thinking?" she hissed. "We couldn't possibly! There is a time and a place, James Potter and it is neither here nor now."

"Touché," he said with a sigh. He'd said the exact same thing to her in this very Wing. But on that occasional he'd given in eventually. Perhaps he could convince her to do the same?

No, that would be unwise. It had been empty before. Now it was full with sickly students. That was asking for trouble...

The idea made him smile. What a challenge it would be to spend the night with her in a room full of people without anything finding out. What a fun game that would be. Now if he could only convince Lily to play...

"Alright, alright," he said, pretending to capitulate. He had a scheme worked out in his head, but it was interrupted by his stomach, growling loudly.

He hadn't eaten since lunch at the Hogsmeade.

"I'll go get you some food," she said.

James opened his mouth to protest, loudly if necessary but she put a finger to his lips.

"_Real_ food, don't worry. As if I'd let you eat Hospital Wing slop."

He chuckled at that and she immediately shushed him. He threw his hands up in apology. James wondered how she was going to get him food if in fact she wasn't allowed to leave. He also highly doubted, that she'd summon a house elf and wake up all the patients when it arrived with a loud crack.

What she ended up doing shouldn't have surprised him. She was a logical creature by nature and had a very rational approach to almost everything. She took herself to the store room (now mostly empty, due to the recession) and sealed it for sound. There, she summoned Poppy, who appeared silently. Silently to all those not in the room with Lily, anyway. After a moment of conversation the elf was gone again and Lily stepped out of the soundproof room.

"Hope you are in the mood for Irish stew," she said quietly, sitting back down next to him, crossing her legs under her.

Actually, that sounded very nearly perfect.

x

Lily woke up very early Monday morning. Good thing too because James was asleep next to her on the Hospital Wing floor, for the world to see. Luckily the world seemed to be asleep still. Carefully, she levitated him back onto his conjured bed. Squinting at the windows, she judged she had another hour and a half before actually getting up, unless one of the patients needed her, so she settled back into her quilts, noting a little sadly that it wasn't nearly so comfortable without James there. Still, it had been unforgivably foolish to have fallen asleep in that manner at all. What if a student had woken up in the middle of the night and needed her?

Lily cursed herself for being so careless. She must have been truly exhausted the night before, because she didn't recall falling back asleep. Last thing she remembered was James going on about the Oddsman's Weave, and how that move had led him to win the Quidditch cup in his sixth year.

Lily shuddered, imagining how terrible her life could suddenly become if they had slept on, only to be awoken by Hogwarts students pointing and gasping. Her life would be ruined.

It had been a close call, and she wanted to hit herself (and James) for letting it happen. Growling about her own stupidity, she went back to sleep, reminding herself to have a word with him about it later.

James was about the last occupant in the Hospital Wing to arise, and when he did Lily had been tending to a student, and he had slipped out before she had the chance to talk to him.

.

By the time she'd seen to the last student, woken up Poppy Pomfrey, ran to her room to pick up her bag, ran back to the Great Hall to swipe some food, she was running a bit late for class. All that running made her a bit dizzy, so she stopped to catch her breath and steady herself before she actually walked into the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. For some reason her heart refused to slow down, it kept beating erratically in her chest and she couldn't understand way, but it put her ill at ease.

The first thing that she noticed when she entered was that all the desks were pushed up against the wall. Lily was just wondering where she would put her bag when she felt something run into her, hard, forcing her to the ground. She didn't know if it was conscious or accidental or both, but she somehow managed to cast a cushioning charm to soften her fall. Correction. _Their fall_.

"That's the last time I bring you real food in the Hospital Wing, James Potter," she hissed angrily. "If this is how you thank me, you great brute."

"You should have known we wouldn't be doing any magical today," he growl-whispered.

"You might have lectured," she chided.

"Where's the fun in that?"

"Get off of me, you oaf!"

"See, that's the brilliance of the exercise. You have to make me," he challenged.

Seeing as James was without magic, he had clearly decided that the day's lesson would be physical self-defence, like they'd been practicing.

"Come on, Evans," he said loudly for the class to hear. "Fight back. Defend yourself."

For some inane reason, Lily felt like crying. She had not once been able to fight James off, no matter how many times they had wrestled, and she was just so caught off guard by the attack, and hearing the rest of the students laughing at her had the most absurd affect on her. She didn't much care for being tackled to the ground first thing in the morning, thank you very much, nor being made fun of. She was already put out with him for not moving back to his cot once he'd seen she'd fallen asleep the night before. And on top of all that, she still felt tingly with a desperate sense of urgency she couldn't place.

"I don't want to do this, let me up," she said, beginning to panic. She felt like running away.

"What? You are the first to show off magically, but now that you aren't perfect at something you want to give up?" he taunted.

If he had been trying to anger her into fighting back, it worked.

With a gurgling cry of pain, James hunched over and rolled off Lily, his hands between his legs. "Oh fuck," he said, his eyes shut tightly and his mouth in a thin grimace. Once she was on her feel she kicked him again in the side, breathing hard trying not to let tears fall.

"I said I didn't want to play!" she tried to defend herself. She had a flashback to her childhood when the neighbourhood children had been trying to make her join a game and she didn't want to. It had resulted in accidental magic, and she'd used the same line then as she did now, 'I said I didn't want to play!' before tearing back up the street crying all the way home.

Now that she was standing up, she felt guilty for what she had done.

James opened his eyes and glared at her. "You horrible woman," he said, before closing his eyes again.

"You... you brought this upon yourself you know!" she said shakily. Her heart was still banging about in her chest as it had been since before she arrived in the classroom. Why was she being so skittish? So defensive? So... _off?_

She gasped. _The wards_. It wasn't an immediate threat but something was bothering them, perhaps trying to tamper with them? No, that didn't feel right. Perhaps an enemy who was inside the walls but not intending any of the occupants harm? She felt at once that that was in and, wand in hand, she raced back out of the classroom again.

It would do no good to bring James, he'd only be a target, unable to defend himself should they come across this inimical person. She flew, therefore, by herself up to the Headmaster's office, panting the password to the gargoyle and pushing her exhausted legs up the last set of stairs. True, the staircase moved, but not nearly fast enough for her.

Without even knocking she flung the door open to Dumbledore's office. "Headmaster!" she gasped.

Both he and the man in his office turned around to look at her.

Her heart stopped and her eyes opened wide.

Lucius Malfoy. Looking smug. She'd seen him only once before in Borgin and Burkes, but she'd remember that striking countenance anywhere. Malfoy had been selling dark and illegal potions through the shop in Knockturn Alley but had somehow managed to avoid justice. She suspected she knew who set off the wards, at least.

She remembered that she had no excuse, not even to Dumbledore, for recognising this man, so she school her expression almost instantly to that of an apologetic school girl. "Sorry sir, I didn't know you had company."

Lily made as if to back out of the room, hoping that the Headmaster wouldn't let her. She wanted to let the Headmaster know that this man had, albeit faintly, triggered the wards.

"What is it that you wanted, Miss Evans?" the Headmaster enquired politely. Inwardly she heaved a sigh of relief. Outwardly, however, she continued to struggle to catch her breath.

"I just had a eureka moment with that special Charms project, Professor, and wanted to tell you."

"I see," he said. She thought he did too, because he gave her an understanding nod. "Perhaps we can discuss later, when we are both free."

"Of course, Professor. Sorry for interrupting." She nodded and backed out of the room.

The door closed and she slowly descended the moving staircase, making her way back to James' classroom at a saner pace.

She felt calmer now. Dumbledore knew what to do with Malfoy, the school was safe with the Headmaster watching him.

Lily was also relieved to be able to pinpoint the cause of her nervous distress earlier. She'd been about to think that she was becoming unhinged with nerves. She'd acted so out of character, had been so... so flighty and jumpy. She'd even...

Oh dear.

Had she really...?

She slapped her forehead. Yes, yes she had.

Poor James greatly deserved an apology.

She _knew_ she must not have been thinking normally, because she'd _never_ have done a thing like that. Not to James, at any rate.

Lily found that her pace had suddenly slowed as she found herself un-eager to return to Defence Against the Dark Arts.

She made it back eventually though, despite her unenthusiastic pace, and she cautiously opened the door, poking her head in tentatively. Unfortunately the door makes rather a lot of noise when opened, and her head was the most eye-catching thing about her. James immediately turned to look, as did many of the others.

Thinking there was no point in tiptoeing now, she opened the door all the way and strode in with a confidence she did not feel, walking right up to James.

"I owe you an apology," she began. The rest of the class was supposed to, it appeared, be practicing in pairs, but most had stopped to watch.

"You caught me off guard. I was scared. I panicked. I didn't mean to hurt or... or disrespect you," she finished, looking down at her feet. "I'm really, very sorry."

It was a moment before he replied. "We'll talk about this after class, Evans."

_Ouch. _The steel in his voice was unmistakable. He clearly wasn't happy.

'_Neither would you be if you'd just kneed yourself in the snitches,_' Lily thought. She grimaced, already trying to think of ways to make it up to him, to get back in his good graces.

She watched as he made them stop practicing to demonstrate another technique, then go around the room watching and correcting wrestling pairs. His eyes would occasionally seek her out, and she tried to look as contrite as possible. He'd huff and then turn away again.

After another half an hour and James was passing by the pair nearest her. After he made his comments and demonstrated to them once again what they were supposed to be doing, she stopped him from going on to the next set of students by grabbing at his robes. "Let me explain," she begged.

Looking around, and determining that his students were doing alright for the time being, he tilted his head to the front of the classroom and the both stood by his desk to talk. She put up a delicate muffling charm.

"Now then, would you mind telling me what the hell that was all about?" he asked sternly.

At his evident displeasure, Lily blurted out, not the sensible explanation she'd been composing to placate him, but the name, Lucius Malfoy.

He blinked, shook his head, and said, "Come again?"

"Lucius Malfoy is here. I felt it in the wards just as I came into the classroom. I panicked, I had to get out of here and tell the Headmaster as fast as I could and... well... you wouldn't get off when I asked and I... I don't know. I'm sorry, James. I didn't know what else to do, I couldn't say anything with everyone else there, so I just... you know... and fled. I'm sorry, James, I wasn't thinking clearly."

She'd fudged a bit. That really _had_ been the reason, she just hadn't been consciously aware of it as such at the time.

"Malfoy is here? Where is he now? Take me to him!" James said withdrawing his wand from his duel belt, for all the good it would do him.

"Everything is under control, just stay calm," she said soothingly trying to push down his wand arm.

"Why didn't you tell me? Why did you go off on your own?" he asked angrily.

"I was worried about you! You wouldn't have been able to fight back, only get in the way! And besides, you had class to teach."

"The class be damned!" he said loudly. Loudly enough to make it passed her charm, apparently.

Therecently damned class looked at him, shocked and perhaps a bit offended and hurt. James had the decency to look ashamed.

"Erm, not this class," he explained. "Different class. _Her_ class," he said, pointing to Lily. He turned back to her and continued more quietly. "If Lucius Malfoy was in the castle I—"

"He had an appointment with the Headmaster," she clarified quickly, "Dumbledore knew. His visit was legitimate, if not entirely on the level. If it had been, he wouldn't have set off the wards, but the Headmaster was kenny."

James glared, but this time, she didn't think it was directed at her. This was confirmed when he growled, "Malfoy..." with loathing. "Slippery bugger should be in Azkaban with three life sentences for all he's done. Dirty snake has more connections than a spider's web."

"Well he's not doing anything illegal now so you can't arrest him."

"But he's up to something," James growled. "He's always up to something. Damned Slytherin. Slithering in where he's not wanted."

"Do you forgive me?" she asked.

"What? Oh for the..." he was about to make an explicit and slightly obscene gesture, but decided against it. "Yeah, extenuating circumstances," he said vaguely, waving it away with his hand. But soon his brows drew together again. "Don't make a habit of it, though."

"Wouldn't dream of it!" she assured him quickly. "It was pretty much a fluke this time round."

"Good." He said with a nod. "So, are you ready to give the lesson another go, or are you willing to accept your failing mark for the day?"

"Failing mark?" she asked incredulously.

"You can afford it, you marks are excellent otherwise. I don't think it would damage you in the long run." James was grinning, mainly because as he spoke Lily was already quarrelsomely taking off her cloak. He'd threatened her with a failing just to rile her up. The fact that it worked made her even angrier.

"Technically, I did win last time," she said.

"You cheated," said he.

"Sirius would argue that there is no such thing as cheating, when it comes down to it."

"Sirius would say otherwise had it been _his_ goods you abused," he retorted rolling up his sleeves. "Ready?"

Lily nodded, casting a cushioning charm on the ground, in case it moved in that direction. With James, it generally did.

He bowed mockingly, and she bow-curtseyed back with equal sarcasm.

"Allez!"

Sure enough, the first thing James did was a flying tackle. Fortunately, Lily had been expecting this and dodged aside. James executed a neat roll over his shoulder and was up again in no time. He lunged again. She darted away. She knew the moment he got hold of her it would be over, she simply was no match for him physically, and she didn't have the heart to use some of the disabling moves he taught her. Had it been a real fight, with a real assailant, she had no doubt she could and would. But she couldn't bring herself to break James' nose, nor did she think he'd want her to.

"Ha!" he shouted triumphantly once he'd finally pinned her. "Get out of this one."

To her astonishment, she succeeded, but only, she suspected, because James was going slightly easier on her than usual. The same proved true with the next hold. And the next.

"You let me win," she said, partially pouting and partially pleased at the end of their little tussle.

"For the first time," he conceded. "And the last." Still he was smiling. "You did well."

"For a girl?"

"For a beginner," he corrected, brushing off his trousers and putting back on his cloak. "Practice makes perfect, and all that."

Lily thought she'd never be strong enough without magic to win against him, or any man, for that matter. But she supposed that with the right blow, strength didn't matter all that much.

Besides, she had wandless magic. This was really a hypothetical situation she was preparing for.

"Alright everyone! Stop. That's enough for today... I said **STOP**!" he bellowed over at two boys who were still fighting. At this louder insistence, the pair halted, though they appeared to be glaring at each other slightly. Their expressions seemed to say 'we'll finish this later' so James put a pre-emptive arrest to that by saying, "Everything ends here. If anyone continues outside of class, the punishment will be severe. So you might as well shake hands and say pax."

The pointed glare at the boys' direction made it clear he was speaking to them, so they begrudgingly clasped hands and mumbled, "pax."

"Good. Now, for homework..."

There was a bit of chaos as students hurried for their bags to take out quill and parchment to copy down the assignment he was about to give. "Read chapter 22. I want everyone to be very familiar with the material, as you will be expected to use it on Thursday. We will take the double, so be prepared. No grumbling!" he said, as students began to complain about the extra lengthy lesson. "Now get out of here. _Except you, Evans_."

Obediently, she stayed behind.

"Now, more on this Malfoy business," he said the moment the last student had left.

Lily told him the entire story from start to finish.

"Hmm, so at Dumbledore knows his intentions weren't upstanding."

"I doubt he needed me bursting in his office to figure that out," said Lily.

"I wonder what he could have wanted. You didn't happen to catch any of their conversation, did you?"

She shook her head. "No. I had no idea he'd be in there, otherwise I might have listened in at the door instead of coming charging through it."

James chuckled at that.

"Gryffindors go charging in," he said proudly.

"A Slytherin would consider that a bad thing." Actually, _Lily_ considered it a bad thing. She should have stopped to think.

"Yes, well, that's why we aren't Slytherin," he said, putting his arm around her shoulder and giving her a squeeze.

"Right..." Lily didn't think she'd ever be able to tell him that the hat had very nearly put her in Slytherin. "So, what did the class do after my hit and run?" she asked, aware that James didn't catch the muggle traffic reference. "Did they think I'd gone mad?"

"No, they just thought you were..." He stopped, swallowed. "Never mind."

"No, what? Tell me!"

James looked at her, slightly ashamed. "They think you're a.. erm.. a bit nervous, since... er... since Hogsmeade."

"Since Roo's death, you mean," she said quietly.

He cleared his throat once more. "Yes."

"Well they're right about that," she said. That had definitely shaken her. She might never be the same. She would be even more worried for her loved ones, live in constant worry over them.

That reminded her.

She removed the dragon's eye and put it around his neck.

x

"What's this then?" James asked. "Not _really_ my style." His heart rate increased slightly. He did _not_ like the thought of Lily not having that protection.

"You need it, love," she answered. "Much more than I do at the moment. If you were attacked you couldn't defend yourself. At least this way I won't go mad with worry about you being defenceless when I'm not around."

_Huh._ Why that should have surprised him, he didn't know. He'd just never thought of _Lily_ worrying about _him_. It always seemed to be the other way around. Looking at it logically, her idea was a sound one. Pity they didn't have two such necklaces.

"You could charm something else for me. It needn't be a precious stone, I won't be without magic for long. It need only last a few days, and you can keep... topping it up, as it were."

"You keep it for now. I'll have something for you by supper."

"Alright," he said, kissing her.

"Wear the cloak too," she insisted. "And be sure to use the secret passages."

"Sounds familiar," he joked. He'd said it often enough to her. "You're being awfully cautious."

"Take it as an indicator of my confidence in your abilities when you are at full power that I don't do this," she said. Then she frowned. "You must have no confidence in me at all! You insist I do these things all the time when I have my magic and my wand." She crossed her arms and pouted at him.

"It has nothing to do with your ability, but the determination of your may-be attackers. And besides, I'm paranoid in general and you aren't. Don't worry, Moody'll cure you of that. Dinner in the kitchens?" He knew he had to leave off on something innocuous or they'd be there all afternoon.

"Alright. Think you can bully the house elves into letting me cook?"

"I'll certainly try. What's on the menu?" he asked, running his fingers through her hair. It really was the most wonderful shade of red.

"It's a secret."

He raised his eyebrows but she remained resolutely silent. He removed his hands from her hair and crossed his arms. "Fine then. Then I shan't tell you what I had planned for tomorrow night."

"You're bluffing. You didn't have anything planned at all."

"I did so, you can ask Sirius."

"He'd lie to me in a moment for you," she countered.

James grinned. "Sirius really is the best isn't he?"

Lily smiled too. "I'll see you tonight."

She couldn't resist kissing him one last time before dashing off to her next class for which she was very nearly late.

x

After dinner that evening, both Lily and James returned to the Hospital Wing. Nostradamus, whom she had brought to keep them company, had just lovingly inserted his claws into James' thighs, much to the wizard's dismay.

"Ah! Bloody beast is trying to scourge me."

"No he's not. He's just trying to get comfortable that's all."

James eyed the cat dubiously. "He looks far too smug."

"He's a cat, James. Cats always look smug."

"I think if animals could be sorted into houses, cats, the whole lot of them, would be put into Slytherin."

Lily laughed but then stopped, guiltily.

"I shouldn't be laughing at a time like this," she said.

"Why ever not?"

"Roo. It's just wrong, to be happy without him."

"Lily, no," he said almost desperately, taking her hands. "Don't think like that. You can't swear off happiness because he's gone. Rupert wouldn't want that."

She sniffed, and smiled a little sadly.

"You know, you are rather wonderful."

"I _did_ know, as a point of fact," he remarked with an arrogant smile that warmed her heart nonetheless. "Now go and fetch me some cocoa."

Lily snorted and left. He really had made her feel better. She didn't imagine Roo would want her to be perpetually miserable. He'd probably say something self-deprecatory like 'I'm not worth all this grief,' though of course he would be.

She was delayed bring James his cocoa by two boys trudging in, nursing various magical injuries that clearly came from a duel. She noticed it was the same two boys whom James had chided in class for not stopping when told.

She knew that healers weren't meant to ask questions and simply put people to rights again, but she wasn't officially a healer. Officially she was Head Girl. Unofficially, she was the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher's minion. She simply couldn't let this slide. Besides, it would save James the trouble of punishing them, which he so hated to do.

While she made quick work of fixing them up, she 'tsk'ed at them. "I thought you were supposed to leave your quarrel in the classroom," she told them disapprovingly.

The pair grumbled unintelligibly.

"So, do you want me to tell the professor or do you want to do more shifts in the Hospital Wing to help Madame Pomfrey?"

"Are you blackmailing us into working here?" one taller one asked.

"Yes. I am," she said shortly. "You can either waste your time and his in a detention and lose house points, or you can do some good here. I know you've done it before, you can do it again for a few afternoons. Now which will it be?"

The shorter one said resignedly, "Do we start now? Or will tomorrow be soon enough?"

"Tomorrow," she said, a mischievous smile creeping across her face. The boys couldn't help but grin back.

"Alright then. Tomorrow."

"It's a date," she said cheerily, and turned on her heal, leaving them to show themselves out.

"You know, he's not such a bad animal once you get to know him," commented James, stroking Nostradamus. She had returned, cocoa in hand.

Lily smiled. "He's wonderful. And excellent watch-cat. Aren't you Nostradamus." The cat affectionately head-butted Lily's hand, a hint that she needed to be using that appendage to pet him. She took the hint and stroked him from head to tailbone.

"So I heard you deal with Trevers and Andrews," he said.

"I thought you might."

James shrugged. "Well done."

"Any idea what they were fighting about?" she asked curiously.

"Oh aye. Trevers is after Andrews' sister. Might already have her."

Lily's eyebrows rose. "I see."

"They have every right to fight it out, I say. Glad I didn't catch them at it. I'd feel like I was standing in the way of justice."

"Well I think they should let Mary decide for herself, and that no amount of brawling between her boyfriend and her brother will change that."

"Of course, but it's the principle of the thing. A lad just can't let someone go after his sister with no hassle. He's got to make the other fellow work for it."

"You don't even have any sisters, what would you know about it?"

"It's part of the wizard's code. We all know the rules."

"Of _course_ you do..." said Lily, rolling her eyes. She suspected it was more likely that James had simply had to deal with a few angry brothers in his day.

"And by the by..." James began causally.

"Hmm?"

"I would appreciate it if you didn't go around telling lads, two at a time no less, that you have a date."

She grinned and shook her head. "There you go again, being jealous just because you want to be."

Lily was about to turn away again but he grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her to him. Lily overbalanced and fell on him, very nearly squashing the cat. Luckily Nostradamus had a keen sense of danger and hastily darted out of the way.

"Ooph! Was that necessary you big bully?" she chided insincerely.

"I'd say so, yes," he replied.

'_Thank Merlin for privacy curtains_,' Lily thought as James kissed her thoroughly.

x

It had been a long time since Sirius had been in Belgium, and he'd never been in this particular area before. Still, he found the place easily enough. He sat in a small cafe, eating a breakfast typical of the region, waiting. The rendezvous was actually designated on the other end of the street, but he made it a point not to be first, if he were meeting someone in public alone. It made him feel like a sitting duck.

So he finished his breakfast unhurriedly, keeping his eye on the table across the way, waiting for someone to sit at it.

x

Tuesday evening found James and Lily working solidly in her sitting room. James had just finished a report of some sort and sealed it up.

"How does a trip to London sound, Eb?" James asked her owl.

_Oh dear. _How could she let something like that slip her mind? Stupid, stupid girl, she chided herself.

"I... I forgot to tell you."

"What?"

"Dragon."

"You've seen him? Bloody bird has been avoiding me for a fortnight! Ought to put him in a cage to remind him that he's _my _familiar. Honestly, you'd think he was a wild bird, the way he carries on, as if he hasn't got a master who needs to send letters."

"James, stop. Dragon is... That is, Hagrid found him at the base of the Owlery. His wings were broken."

"Broken?" Lily could tell the thought of it was making him angry.

"Yes."

His face blackened. "Someone tried to intercept him," he said, making the connection much faster than she had.

"It looks like it."

"Well, has Hagrid healed him up? Where is he now?"

Oh. Apparently she hadn't been sufficiently clear.

"I'm... I'm afraid Hagrid didn't find him in time." She paused to let it sink in. "I'm so sorry."

James was silent for a moment, processing it, then the fire jumped violently out of the hearth as James rose to his feet with a loud oath.

He stormed out of the room without another word, civil or profane.

James wasn't supposed to be attempting any magic yet, but that had just been a powerful wandless display. He'd probably gone and undone a whole day of resting with that one outburst. Accidental magic was exhausting. Though somehow Lily didn't think James was concerned by that at all just at present.

Sighing, Lily sank into the sofa. James would be back when he was ready. Unfortunately, she might not be there when he returned. She waited for an hour before taking out parchment and ink.

She left a note saying _"Brewing with Horace. Stop by if you need anything,"_ and left for the dungeons.

It felt so good to brew. It was an activity that calmed her, made her feel productive and helpful. Even if it was a relatively simple healing draught for the Hospital Wing, she felt like her talents were being put to use.

It had to simmer and cool for upwards of two hours, so they had a bit of spare time before Lily took it to Madame Pomfrey.

She was having a delightful conversation with Slughorn. Not about Potions, though they _had_ discussed that at a length, but about their favourite sweets. He was reminiscing about some confection of his childhood that wasn't made anymore, which made him nostalgic.

Lily tried in turn to explain Jammie Dodgers.

"They're an absolutely terrible muggle biscuit, but somehow you get used to them and then they work their way into your heart. So when someone offers you a Jammie Dodger, you just can't refuse. It's as if they have compulsion charms on them."

They were both laughing when a knock sounded and James walked in. Lily immediately sobered, feeling guilty for having been laughing in the first place. How could she laugh when James had left so upset? When the world was a mess? How could she sit in the dungeons and laugh about childhood sweets?

"What is it?" she asked worriedly. That note she'd left was just to tell him where she was so he wouldn't worry. She hadn't actually expected to show up in the dungeons.

"I've just talked to Sirius," he stated.

"And...?" she asked uncertainly.

"Bad news."

She huffed as if amused but her heart clutched with dread. "What is it _this_ time?" she asked.

His lips thinned as he looked from her to Horace then to her again.

"Come out into the corridor for a moment," he said quietly. "I'll bring her right back, Professor," he added to Slughorn.

If she'd be right back then the news couldn't be _that _horrible. Either that or James had been lying to Horace just to get her out of there more expeditiously.

The moment the dungeon door closed behind them she spoke. "How bad is it?" she asked, her voice tremulous with fear.

"Everyone is alright," he assured her, and Lily let out a sigh of relief. She simply couldn't lose anyone else. If anything were to happen to Hagrid, Peter, Remus, Sirius, or James, she really would go mad. She had no doubt about that.

"Then what is it? What's happened?" she asked, her arms crossed instinctively over her middle.

He put steadying hands on her shoulders. It was meant as a comforting gesture but the delay only made her more nervous.

"Stop coddling me and just tell me!" she nearly shouted.

James snorted and very nearly smiled. "Alright, heart. Sirius has just told me about new legislation about to be passed and enacted this month."

"Muggleborn registration?" she guessed.

He nodded. "Partly. All muggleborns are also required by the Ministry to wear an identifying mark."

Yes. She remembered having this conversation what felt like a lifetime ago. Then it was just a thought, a possibility for the distant future. Now it was reality.

Muggleborn identification marks. She wondered if it was going to be a great big scarlet M on her chest. It didn't matter, she wouldn't be wearing it anyway.

"No," she said sternly. "I refuse. There is no way I'm going around with some great bloody sign on my back that says 'Hex me, I'm a mudblood!" James opened his mouth no doubt to berate her for her language but she barrelled on indignantly. "They can take their bloody identification mark and shove it up their--"

"No!" James interrupted, yelling too. He seemed just as angry. "See, I knew you'd react this way. You _can't,_ Lily. That's why I'm warning you ahead of time. You simply must. not. act." With each word he shook a finger in her face. She pushed it out of her way.

"But this is ridiculous! It's outrageous! It's utterly and completely unfair!" She was trembling with rage and tears of frustration threatened to spill out onto her cheeks.

"Don't you see that's what they want you to do?" he cried. "They want to stir you up, make you angry. They _want_ a reason to take your wand or throw you in Azkaban!"

Hearing the prison's name was like having a bucket of ice cold water dumped over her head. Her temper was instantly cooled.

"Azkaban?" she asked timorously.

She didn't doubt that James was imagining the exact same scene as she. Their last visit to the wizard prison had been one of the worst experiences of her life.

"Yes," he said softly. "Anyone who resists gets an immediate sentence."

Her chin wobbled. This was so unfair.

"You see why you must take it? Calmly and quietly. Don't even talk back, don't say anything, don't give them _any_ reason to think you are resisting. They are _looking_ for dissenters, they _want_ to rile you up and throw you in prison. You can't let them win, Lily. You can't let them. _Please..._"

Dumbly, she nodded her head.

James kissed her hair. "Good girl. I don't know when exactly they will come. Four weeks, maybe three." He took her hands and began warming them automatically. "They are capitalising on the element of surprise, hoping to cause as much of a stir as possible. So just take the mark for the time being, and we can find a way around it after, where there are no ministry officials or witnesses breathing down our necks."

"It's a very clever plan," she admitted, her throat feeling scratchy and uncooperative. She wished Roo was there. He always made her feel better about being muggleborn.

"So it's the mark or Azkaban?" she asked.

He shook his head. "You can choose to have your wand snapped and leave the magical world, sign a statement that says you officially renounce all magic, magical places and society."

Well that wasn't going to happen. "That doesn't leave many options," she stated unhappily, her mind falling into some other place, far away from the dungeons of Hogwarts. She was only vaguely aware of James pulling her into him for a hug, stroking the back of her head.

It was in that position that she found herself when she returned to awareness. "So... what we need is a contingent of non-muggleborns to fight it. People who aren't in danger of being thrown in Azkaban for simply voicing their opinion. Preferably pure-bloods. People listen to pure-bloods. This isn't a fight for wands... but words. And well chosen ones at that."

He pulled away slightly, regarding her steadily.

"Is that a request?" he asked earnestly. After a moment she realised what he was saying. He was asking if she wanted _him_ specifically, to do this for her. This massive undertaking.

It honestly hadn't been a direct appeal or a hint for him at all; she had been thinking in general terms.

"No. I didn't mean you," she said. He had more than enough on his plate already.

"Oh." He almost seemed disappointed, shoulders slumping slightly as his eyes found the floor.

"You have enough to worry about," she said, stroking his face, her brewing roughened fingers catching on a few days' stubble.

"I'd do it, you know," he told her.

She knew. And that knowledge was almost bewilderingly reassuring. How did she deserve him? She wasn't quite certain she did. In fact, she was almost sure that she didn't.

"You do so much already. Plus, you work for the Ministry. It could mean trouble for you if you go around stepping on people's toes like this."

"Trouble?" he asked as if it were some kind of joke. "Since when do I not do something because I might get in trouble?"

That was her marauder, she thought, through and through. She kissed him.

"Actually..." she said. "There might be something you can do, non-ministry related and plenty of trouble."

"Sounds perfect," he said, grinning.

"I think... it's time for Darlene Dippet to prove herself," she said at last. "And... And I think you might be the best wizard to encourage her."

Ick. She was contemplating using James to sway Dippet. How dirty and underhanded and revolting.

"Are you honestly suggesting I seduce Dippet into acting?"

"I didn't say _seduce_! I said _encourage_. There's a difference."

"Like the difference between directness and a euphemism?" he asked wryly.

"Just don't get carried away," she said sourly, crossing her arms and turning slightly away from him so he wouldn't see how much it bothered her.

He chuckled. "Why are you hiding from me?" he asked. "You know you look quite lovely when you're jealous."

"I'm not jealous. I'm just... I just don't like her, that's all. And I don't like that she's the best resource we have."

"And you hate the fact that you need to use my wonderful '_encouraging_' abilities to convince her to help because there is no you could convince her to do it?

"Yes," she managed to grind out. The worst part was that it was her idea, so she really couldn't get mad. Promoting muggleborn rights would be tricky work, and she didn't want to put James in that position. It was hardly a popular attitude, and especially since their relationship was entirely secret, they couldn't risk anyone raising the question why the pureblood was taking such an adamant stance for muggleborn rights. Darlene Dippet on the other hand, would be a natural choice. No one would question it. Except that Dippet wasn't precisely an activist.

"Well," he said in a low, soothing, but somehow complacent tone of voice. "We don't have to rely entirely on her. We won't leave out any options. Gidean and Fabian. Their brother-in-law is pure blood as well and works in... I'm not quite sure, it has something to do with muggles though. Misuse of Muggle Artefacts? I'll see what we might be able to do. The more people the better. Don't worry, heart. We'll fix this."

Her heart swelled almost painfully, as if it had ballooned beyond what her chest could contain. The man before her loved her so much she could hardly believe it. He immediately offered to go through so much trouble for her. He was a pureblood, he didn't have to bother with any of this and yet he was going to do everything he could to help her and her fellow muggleborns. She couldn't love anyone more than she did him.

She tried to tell him so, but her voice seemed to have been swallowed up in her chest.

If they had been in bed, she would have pulled the covers over herself to hide. As they weren't, she simply buried her head in his chest, pulling his cloak over her so he couldn't see her face.

James chuckled and she heard it reverberate against her ear. He pulled the other part of his cloak around to cover her completely, keeping the two folds of it shut with a hand, the other arm across her shoulders holding her against him, as if she would try to escape.

"I like hiding you," he whispered. "Remember that next time you feel like running away."

With a pang of guilt she acknowledged that in the past she had run from him along with all her problems. She never came to him, and yet he was always there, willing to help. If she needed any proof, this evening would have spoken volumes.

Her hands slowly snaked around him, hugging him tightly back. Her way of saying she would let him be her refuge. He already was, really. She knew she could depend on him. She just needed to convince herself to take advantage of that. The world wouldn't end if she admitted she needed help. James already knew her weaknesses, he'd seen her at her worst. There was no point in hiding from him.

Sometimes it was just easier to leave everything behind. Only that running away often hurt others, and she needed to be mindful of that. She didn't want James to think she didn't need him, because she did, desperately. With Roo gone...

She blinked back tears, withdrew her head from its woollen hideout and looked at him. She could do this.

"I don't think I ever told you how Rooey and I met..." she told him quietly. It was an invitation and a plea. She could talk about him with James, she felt she was finally strong enough, and even if she wasn't, James would keep her together.

"No..." he replied, his voice full and warm. "I don't think you have."

"It's a funny story," she said, a smile tugging at her lips, remembering her best friend.

"I can imagine," James replied, smiling back.

"You know that the first week of classes first year you caught him out of bounds after curfew and gave him a pompous telling off."

"Did I?" he asked, clearly not remembering. "I was new at the Head Boy thing, entirely pleased with myself and perhaps a bit conscientious at the start. Needless to say, it didn't last long."

"Indeed."

"I'd like to hear more. Perhaps in bed with a healthy provision of sweets and hot cocoa."

Lily didn't point out the likely oxymoron of healthy sweets, she was just giddy with nerves at the prospect of opening up.

"Let me finish up in the lab and take the new load to the Hospital Wing."

He nodded and she left him, returning to the dungeon in which she had been brewing, Horace was still there, bottling up the finished potion.

"Everything alright, my dear?" he asked solicitously.

"Not at all," she answered, deciding to be truthful. "The Ministry has passed a law, requiring all muggleborns to be registered as such and forced to wear an identifying mark. A fresh humiliation," she said with a rueful grin.

Slughorn clearly didn't know the proper way to react, so he just patted her on the shoulder clumsily and said something vaguely reassuring and conciliatory. "I'm sorry to hear it. Things will turn around. They always do."

She thanked him for his attempt and took the freshly bottled brews. "I'll see you tomorrow, Professor."

James was leaning on the wall when she exited the dungeon but when she emerged he stood straighter.

"I'll carry'em," he offered, taking the box from her. She hadn't levitated them because she didn't want to do even simple charms around him when she didn't need to. She didn't want to remind him that he still couldn't do magic.

"You don't have to," she said.

"It's better this way. Your wand-arm is free now and if you need to use it you won't have to drop the potions to do it. These things are precious," he said, grinning.

Good thinking. And if she had magically levitated them she'd have to drop that spell before she cast another. This really was the best solution all around.

"Speaking of, wand out, if you please," he said.

She pulled it out of her hair forthwith, and for some reason James was smiling at her secretly.

"What?" she asked, pushing her now loose hair behind her ear.

"Nothing," he replied, that silly grin still in place. For some reason it made her smile too. A swooping sensation in her stomach made her feel like she was falling in love all over again.

x

The look on Poppy Pomfrey's face when she saw what he carried made James' day. He beamed at the happy looking healer, the weight of Sirius' news and Dragon's death, lifted off his chest.

He looked over at Lily to see her smiling just as broadly at him too. He reached over and squeezed her hand. Her eyes crinkled at him, and he reached out with his other hand and poked the tip of her nose. He didn't know why, it just felt like the thing to do.

Lily left with Poppy to put the new potions away, and James stood there in the darkened wing to wait for them. He looked around, all the occupants in their beds asleep. He quietly approached the one nearest him. A second year Gryffindor boy with curly dark hair was grimacing in his sleep, either in pain or in fear of some nightmare.

Cautiously, James reached out and touched the boy's curly fringe, feeling the fever on his brow. He brushed the hair, slightly damp with sweat, aside and just watched him for a time.

He felt her hand gently on his shoulder, and he jumped slightly, startled. Lily tilted her head back to where the healer stood, a dark outline because of the light behind her. He nodded, understanding and went over to Poppy to let her look him over.

She did a few diagnostic tests, and whispered for him that while he did have some magic back, he shouldn't use it until it had all completely returned.

When he went back to Lily he found her putting a cooling charm on a flannel, and placing it on the boy's forehead. She stood back, observing the sleeping child and James rested his chin atop her head, watching too.

Why was it so hard to turn his eyes away? Was the expression he so often saw on Poppy's face now on his? He knew it was on Lily's, he'd seen it there before. His arms went around her waist and rested on her stomach, The war affected everything. Even in this quiet place where Voldemort's effects were obvious, he found himself oddly at peace.

But they couldn't stay there all night.

"Come on, Red. Bed and chocolate awaits."

She smiled and nodded, and bidding the healer goodnight, they left.

.

"Does it bother you to hear?" Lily asked nervously. For the last hour they had talked about Rupert Ferris, how they met, the mischief they'd got into when they were younger. They had now reached the point in time when Lily's parents had died and she and Ferris started dating. That is when she had stopped, uncertain.

"No," he told her. "Go on. I don't mind."

"You sure?" she asked.

"Mmhmm," he said, and spooned in even more closely behind her.

"He pretty much supported me through my parents' deaths. I always said that he was just with me out of pity, and he'd always reply it was really to make all the other girls jealous. To this day I don't know the real reason."

James chuckled. "It couldn't possibly be that he simply fancied you, could it?"

"Maybe," she said, though it was clear she didn't find that possibility very likely. James certainly did, but then again, he was biased. To him it was all too plain how someone might love her.

"How long were you together?" he asked.

"Over a year," she replied. "It didn't really end," she said. "We just realised one day that our relationship had become exactly what it had been like before we were dating. We laughed about it, when we were sitting at breakfast and he said something about how beautiful this seventh year Ravenclaw was. I asked him why he didn't go after her and he looked at me then burst out laughing. 'You don't mind me cheating on you then?' he'd asked. That was pretty much it.

"6th year ended and I was working at the Leaky Cauldron all summer, and his parents didn't want me to visit, so I didn't see him until 7th year, but I was made Head Girl and we didn't spend time with each other as much, which was difficult, but then after he visited me in St. Mungo's we went right back to normal."

James didn't know _why_ he wanted to know, but he was curious about the physical aspects of their relationship. He didn't ask, despite his desperate curiosity. If he made her tell him, then he might have to reciprocate. Up till then, Lily had circumspectly avoided asking him about his past lovers. Perhaps because she knew that his history wasn't as... _tidy_... as hers.

Still, he couldn't stop himself from one little question. "So the physical aspect fizzled out pretty soon?" he asked, trusting that he didn't sound too hopeful.

"Well, we were teenagers, and we trusted each other. The novelty wore off eventually though. That arousal spell, however, I developed using him as a test subject."

That was something he didn't actually need to know.

"After Roo, I went to Hogsmeade a few times with various dates, Including that Hufflepuff we arrested at Uppingham," said amusedly. "They resulted in nothing."

"So before me there was only Rupert?" he asked.

"In earnest? Yes, I suppose so."

"What do you mean? _In earnest?"_

"Well... there was John Michaels this year."

The silence stretched for a time. The boy they had been certain who had been trying to kill her ended up trying to save her life in the end, and had died at the hands of his own parents in Azkaban. It was never something they discussed, as it bothered Lily's conscience greatly.

He remembered sitting in his office, and Lily had casually remarked that she and the Slytherin had snogged. James had complained about it later to Sirius.

"So Michaels was the last before me?" Apart from Sirius when they had been coming back from Dover, James thought, but certainly didn't mention it. The memory of that kiss still made James shudder.

She shook her head. "Roo was after that."

"I thought you split up last year," James said. Michaels was only in November, and if Ferris reoccurred after that, it was dangerously close to when he and Lily got together.

"Nothing serious. He was just doing me a favour, as a friend."

"What kind of favour," he asked, disapproving.

"I never told you. It didn't seem important. It didn't have anything to do with the venture. But the day before we were to go to Hogsmeade that time..." She stopped and cleared her throat. "You know what, never mind."

"Lily," he said with a small bite of warning. "Tell me."

"It's humiliating."

"Tell me anyway."

"I was just nervous, and terrified of dying, and yet I was still with John, playing the part. But then he was kissing me with more... well... more than he had before and the whole time the only thing I could think of was that this boy was planning on killing me. I got so upset I pushed him away and vomited. I didn't want to die with the last person to kiss me having been my murderer, so..."

"Rupert stepped in and obliged," James finished for her. "But he didn't know about the Hogsmeade plot."

"No, but he knew _me..._ enough to know what I needed. Roo was always wonderful about not prying."

"Unlike me," James remarked, partially joking.

"Yes, unlike you."

"And so you immediately went to Ferris," he said.

"Of course. He was the only person I had."

"You could have come to me," he pointed out.

"I couldn't've and you know it. Imagine what that would have been like."

He took a moment and did so.

"If you had come to me with that request, I don't think I would have turned you down," he admitted. James remembered seeing them napping on the couch all cosily wrapped up in each other's arms. He had been jealous at the time.

She shook her head. "Besides," she continued, "I needed someone who I knew loved me. You were not that person. Not then."

Right.

_Right_...

James still hadn't confessed to her just how early on and how badly he'd fallen for her. He knew it hadn't been reciprocated in the beginning. Of course she'd have found more comfort in the boy.

Remembering that Rupert Ferris had died, and that his death had spared Lily's life, caused any ungenerous feelings to instantly disappear.

"I'm glad you had him," he told her.

"I wish I still did..."

He kissed her shoulder, as there was nothing he could think of to say.

.

James tossed and turned in his sleep. He had the most vivid dream, but he couldn't remember it at all when he woke suddenly from it, principally because his attention was completely taken over by the blazing fire in the bedroom. Lily had awakened too and was hurriedly putting out the flames with gushes of water from her bare hands.

Once the fire had been completely doused, Lily and James simply sat on the now soaked bed, breathing hard and trying to make sense of what had just happened.

They decided to visit Dumbledore, despite the rude hour. A bed that spontaneously combusted was not the kind of furniture he wanted in their room. And, on the off chance that it had been charmed by some malevolent third party, intent on hurting them (or her if they hadn't known he would be there too) well, that was something that needed to be addressed with the Headmaster.

Albus greeted them as pleasantly as if he had personally invited them beforehand, as if their visit were as unremarkable as afternoon tea.

After listening to James' account of what had happened, Dumbledore actually smiled.

"I once set my bed curtains on fire in my first year. Accidentally, of course," he added, nodding to them as if in solidarity. "Setting bedding on fire in one's sleep isn't common, but it's not unheard of."

James looked instantly to Lily, who had turned her head to look at him too. They were both thinking the same thing. _Who had done it? Had he or had she? _James already knew though, as did she, he assumed. She was much better practiced with wandless magic, and this, unfortunately, wouldn't be the first time he'd accidentally set something on fire. Wetting the bed in your sleep was common enough. Now _firing_ the bed in your sleep was another matter. Bed-firer sounded better than bed-wetter, that was for certain, although something had to be said for the considerably lessened chances of death in the latter accidents.

"If you don't stop doing magic you'll never recover," Lily chided gently as they walked out of the Headmaster's office together.

"I didn't _mean_ to," he muttered. As if he wasn't already embarrassed enough. He'd fired their bed. Still, it could have been worse. He could have brought down the whole room and they could have roasted, or other people could have found out. As it stood only he, Lily, and Dumbledore knew. That wasn't so bad. Still, it was embarrassing.

"What were you dreaming of?" she asked curiously.

"I can't even remember," he said, ruffling his already untidy hair with a frustrated hand.

Shaken, and unable to get rid of the smell of burning bed curtains out of their nostrils, they moved to James' rooms for the night, taking down the curtains, just to be safe.

He lay awake for a long time, unable to sleep.

"Lily?" he whispered.

"Yes?" she whispered back.

"Can you not sleep?"

She sat up, hugging her knees to her chest. "No. The muggleborn registration act, Roo, and burning bedclothes are whirling about in my head," she remarked, putting her fingers to her temples.

James sat up as well and rose from the bed, fumbling around in the dark for his cloak.

"Lumos," said Lily helpfully. "What are you doing?"

"Want to go for a quick fly with me?" he asked. "Just for a few minutes."

A relaxing ride was just what he needed.

.

Lily leaned far over, letting her fingers graze the surface of the water causing a riot of ripples as they flew past. She sat upright again, and sprinkled lake water on his face with a flick of her fingers.

"Oi!"

In retaliation he brought his broom sharply up, heading at a ninety degree angle for the sky for a moment before turning over again so that they were flying upside down.

Lily shrieked and held on tightly, laughing madly.

He eventually righted the broom once more and they continued their jaunt more sedately. She snuggled into him, and he could feel the warmth of her cheek resting against his back, and feel her chest pressed against him as she took a deep breath in, and let it out in a sigh.

He took this as a sign that the ride had done its job and he flew back to his window in the castle. Lily enlarged the portal so they could easily fly through, and it shrank back to normal size once they dismounted.

Feeling much better, they removed their cloaks and crawled into bed. Their pyjamas were pleasantly chilly, and he had fun heating his cold hands on her warm bare stomach.

x

James didn't have a lesson on that morning, and Lily was sorely tempted to have a lie in as well, but she had missed far too many classes this year already.

She didn't have class in the afternoon, so she only had to manage to stay awake for her morning lesson. Then she could return to her rooms and sleep as long as she wanted. Or at least until patrols late that evening. James was exempt from rounds until his magic had fully returned to him.

She rolled out of bed, giving James a kiss on the forehead, and left, taking his invisibility cloak with her. He'd slept through everything, as usual. She didn't hold it against him. In fact, it was probably a good thing, all things considered.

Lily noticed, when she got back to her rooms to change, that the curtains around her four-poster were as good as new. Perhaps they _were_ new. A house elf must have replaced them. She made a mental note to go down to the kitchens later and offer her thanks to whomever the little dear had been.

She sat by herself in Charms. No one had moved to take Roo's seat and she didn't blame them. The possibility of their marks improving was not an incentive enough to get close to her.

Popularity was a thing of the past, she was used to being without it now. Luckily, class that day was especially interesting, and she had no trouble paying attention and practicing the spell. Just for fun she added little extras to it, aspects that were timed, coloured, or sang.

"I don't suppose you've ever considered applying for a position in the Ministry's section on experimental charms, have you?"

She smiled at her tiny professor, but didn't answer. She decided that that was a conversation best left to their rounds, and told him so.

It was strange, that while Charms was her favourite subject, her two preferred career options were in the fields of Potions and Defence Against the Dark Arts.

After lunch, although she had planned to go directly back to her rooms to nap, she headed towards the greenhouses, eager for another chat with Professor Sprout, who had been very supportive of Lily's desire to do an Independent Study.

Sprout had promised her a syllabus of the 7th year Herbology class, so she'd know precisely what she'd missed and needed to review.

"I don't doubt you can handle the written exam," Sprout had assured. "But it's the practical that is likely to give you trouble."

That was certainly true. She had visited the greenhouses upon occasion, but she'd missed the lessons on tending the plants covered in this year. Granted, with the recession, the current Herbology students were missing out as well. Instead they were trying to re-grow everything from the seeds, which was slow work, and mostly boring, as the tricky parts of Herbology was generally the caring for (or not injuring yourself with) the adult plants.

"Do you know how the N.E.W.T will be administered? Have they enough of each plant for the students taking the tests?"

"The N.E.W.T and O.W.L board have been rather tight lipped on the subject. I really don't know what they have planned, but I wouldn't be surprised if it were different from previous years."

Lily was about to leave, when she remembered something, something from what seemed like ages ago. Something that had been crucial in Lily realising there was even a problem to begin with.

Her valerian was now dried and protected, but she might as well hand it over. She engorged the case she always carried in her pocket and extracted the little herb. It was still fragrant, despite its long time pressed and dried.

"It's valerian," said Sprout, understandably unimpressed.

"Yes, I'm aware of that. Thing is, I plucked it out of the snow over a month ago."

Her eyes widened. "Where, child?"

Lily tilted her head to the forest.

"Just there," she replied, gathering her things. "Found it when I was out walking with Hagrid." And with that she left, leaving Sprout to gape after her.

She unloaded her things onto her already cluttered work table. Too many things to work on. She really shouldn't be sleeping.

She sat down with a grunt, thinking that James was probably only just now getting up, and began composing a letter. Once it was finished, she'd need to talk to Wilder, Hogwarts' current runner, their only link with whomever it was who had sold Alice Hart that Polyjuice potion.

Then she'd have to owl Bunsen. Or perhaps ask Slughorn to contact him via Floo. That would be faster and more convenient.

A knock at her portrait hole interrupted her work and she quickly banished both her and James' things safely away into her bedroom before answering the door.

To her utter surprise, it wasn't a student. It wasn't even a teacher. It wasn't anyone who worked at Hogwarts or belonged there.

"Miss Evans?" the strange man asked.

"Who are you?" she asked in turn, purposefully not answering his question as she palmed her wand.

"Ivan Goring. Magical Law Enforcement."

'_Already?' _she thought, panicked_. _James had said three or four weeks before muggleborn identification. '_Alright, just stay calm. Do not let him goad you into anything. Just grit your teeth and take it. Then when he leaves you can blow up the toilet and set the furniture on fire._

"What is it that you want, Mr. Goring?" she inquired politely.

"I just want to ask you a few questions."

"About what?"

"About the armless man who died on Hogwarts grounds two weeks ago. We understand you played some part."

_Oh_. She was certainly _not_ prepared for _this_. She counted quickly in her mind. 15 days ago exactly the armless Death Eater had stumbled onto Hogwarts' grounds and died. James had said that there were 14 days for the body to be claimed. Now it was day 15. Clearly it hadn't been and the investigation began. It wouldn't be so bad if she hadn't broken the law that night and taken the wand right out from under the noses of the M.L.E. Was that what they were wanting? Did they suspect?

What could she do? What should she say that wouldn't damn her? She _had _done something illegal this time, but she'd thought she'd got away with it. Now they might have a legitimate reason for taking her to Azkaban if she couldn't talk her way out of it now.

"Of course I'll help in any way I can, but shouldn't Professor Potter be here? He's an auror, after all."

"I just want to talk to you," he answered sternly.

"But my Head of House has to be informed if there are any visitors. I should really let her know," Lily insisted. Not being alone with this man was number one on her agenda. Perhaps Minerva or James could help in some way, if only to reassure her and keep Goring in line. Not that Lily suspected he would do anything _out _of line. It was simply a precaution.

"That won't be necessary, Miss Evans."

"But it's Hogwarts protocol, sir," she persisted. "I'm Head Girl. I have to follow the rules." If the situation weren't so serious, she would have laughed at that. How many times had she had unannounced visitors sneaking in? Too many to count.

"It won't take but a few moments, Miss Evans. I assure you, it's not necessary to summon anyone. May I come in?"

So he didn't want James or Minerva there. Too bad.

He was magical law enforcement. If he was anything like James he was snoopy by nature, which meant it would be best if he _didn't_ enter her rooms. But they couldn't just stand there in the corridor, especially after he had asked to enter. Waving a hand behind her back, she locked and sealed her bedroom door, adding her own palaclave.

She opened the portrait wide so he could enter, once he passed through she shot out a patronus secretively out into the corridor with the message. '_Man claiming to be M.L.E. in my room. Clearly doesn't want anyone to know. Come quickly.' _The doe would take that to both James and Minerva. Swiftly, she hoped.

_**Another author's note**__: A reviewer left a link in one of her reviews and asked me to post it here. It's an EOM livejournal community. If you are interested, the link is on my author's page._


	73. In Which Lily Hears a Voice

_**Author's Note:**_ _I know I said I had this part finished, which was true, but I changed it, rewrote it almost completely and added in a bunch of new stuff. I don't eat food. I devour reviews. Please feed this hungry writer.  
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* * *

  
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**_Chapter 73:_ In which Lily hears a Voice**

.

A knock at her portrait hole interrupted her work and she quickly banished both her and James' things safely away into her bedroom before answering the door.

To her utter surprise, it wasn't a student. It wasn't even a teacher. It wasn't anyone who worked at Hogwarts or belonged there.

"Miss Evans?" the strange man asked.

"Who are you?" she asked in turn, purposefully not answering his question as she palmed her wand.

"Ivan Goring. Magical Law Enforcement."

'_Already?' _she thought, panicked_. _James had said three or four weeks before muggleborn identification. '_Alright, just stay calm. Do not let him goad you into anything. Just grit your teeth and take it. Then when he leaves you can blow up the toilet and set the furniture on fire._

"What is it that you want, Mr. Goring?" she inquired politely.

"I just want to ask you a few questions."

"About what?"

"About the armless man who died on Hogwarts grounds two weeks ago. We understand you played some part."

_Oh_. She was certainly _not_ prepared for _this_. She counted quickly in her mind. 15 days ago exactly the armless Death Eater had stumbled onto Hogwarts' grounds and died. James had said that there were 14 days for the body to be claimed. Now it was day 15. Clearly it hadn't been and the investigation began. It wouldn't be so bad if she hadn't broken the law that night and taken the wand right out from under the noses of the M.L.E. Was that what they were wanting? Did they suspect?

What could she do? What should she say that wouldn't damn her? She _had _done something illegal this time, but she'd thought she'd got away with it. Now they might have a legitimate reason for taking her to Azkaban if she couldn't talk her way out of it now.

"Of course I'll help in any way I can, but shouldn't Professor Potter be here? He's an auror, after all."

"I just want to talk to you," he answered sternly.

"But my Head of House has to be informed if there are any visitors. I should really let her know," Lily insisted. Not being alone with this man was number one on her agenda. Perhaps Minerva or James could help in some way, if only to reassure her and keep Goring in line. Not that Lily suspected he would do anything _out _of line. It was simply a precaution.

"That won't be necessary, Miss Evans."

"But it's Hogwarts protocol, sir," she persisted. "I'm Head Girl. I have to follow the rules." If the situation weren't so serious, she would have laughed at that. How many times had she had unannounced visitors sneaking in? Too many to count.

"It won't take but a few moments, Miss Evans. I assure you, it's not necessary to summon anyone. May I come in?"

So he didn't want James or Minerva there. Too bad.

He was magical law enforcement. If he was anything like James he was snoopy by nature, which meant it would be best if he _didn't_ enter her rooms. But they couldn't just stand there in the corridor, especially after he had asked to enter. Waving a hand behind her back, she locked and sealed her bedroom door, adding her own palaclave.

She opened the portrait wide so he could enter, once he passed through she shot out a patronus secretively out into the corridor with the message. '_Man claiming to be M.L.E. in my room. Clearly doesn't want anyone to know. Come quickly.' _The doe would take that to both James and Minerva. Swiftly, she hoped.

Until then, she would try to waste some time.

"Can I offer you tea, Mr. Goring?"

"No need to trouble yourself," he said, waving away the offer with a stocky, brick-like hand. It was much like the rest of him. Short, compact, oddly angular. His thumbs were like perfect squares, just as his jaw seemed to be.

"No trouble at all," she said. "Poppy!"

At once the house elf appeared. "Yes, Miss?" she asked, trying to cast furtive glances toward the visitor, but failing spectacularly, as her eyes were by far her most noticeable feature and there was no hiding their bulbous movements.

"Would you be good enough to bring tea, please?"

Poppy dropped a curtsy and disappeared with a crack.

"Miss Evans--"

"She won't be long," Lily interrupted. And sure enough, Poppy was back in a moment, tea service immaculately prepared as always.

She poured him a cup and handed it to him before serving herself.

She couldn't think of anything else she could do to waste time.

"Sugar? Milk? Lemon?" she offered.

"No thank you," he said curtly, clearly annoyed with her procrastination. "Now, as I understand it, you were on the grounds when Edwin Brockhurst was there."

"Who?" she asked.

"The armless man," he answered brusquely.

"Oh. I saw him die, yes," she admitted. "Biscuit?"

He shook his head. "What were you doing there?" he asked, reading from a small notebook very much like the one James always carried. Perhaps it was a M.L.E. thing.

"The Head Boy and I were both summoned to help."

"Why?"

"You'd have to ask Auror Potter," she replied coolly. "We were simply doing what we were told. Protecting Hogwarts is part of our duties. Are you sure you won't have a biscuit? This short bread is delicious."

He took a piece just to shut her up, she suspected, because it remained on his saucer untouched after he snatched it impatiently from the tray.

"What is the Head Boy's name?"

Her throat tightened. "Rupert Ferris," she answered. As he wrote that down a thoughtful frown crossed his face. "He was killed last week," she provided, proud of herself for not crying.

"Right. Tell me exactly what happened, starting from the moment you were summoned."

How long would Minerva and/or James take to get there? _Bollocks._ James had 6th years, McGonagall probably had class as well. They might not be able to leave. And she'd just sent them a patronus for the entire classroom to hear. Oh well, she'd deal with that later.

"I passed Auror Potter as he was setting out for the grounds. He called for me to follow him so I did. He sent a patronus to bring the Head Boy."

She could recall only too clearly James ranting one evening about how Magical Law Enforcement was infested with Voldemort supporters and informants. Was this one such man? No matter who he was, she couldn't confess that she'd taken the wand. So how would her story have to be altered in this case? Best stick to bare facts. As few details as possible.

She continued her narrative. "We arrived on the grounds, and saw a figure approaching. He was missing an arm. He asked for the Headmaster then collapsed and never got up again."

"And then?" asked Ivan Goring, when he realised she wasn't going to say anything more.

"That's it," she said.

"What happened to the body? What did you do then?"

"Well, Hagrid, he's the Gamekeeper here, took the body to the Hospital Wing and the rest of us went to inform the Deputy Headmistress. Professor Dumbledore was gone that afternoon."

She'd skipped over Roo and James going back to search for other Death Eaters, and her own duty of casting the inimicus around the castle. If this wasn't a friendly M.L.E. employee, then he didn't need to know about the wards.

Two brisk knocks sounded at her portrait hole before it opened. Lily sighed in relief as in strolled the formidable Deputy Headmistress, Minerva McGonagall.

"Miss Evans. I believe you are aware that any visitors brought to the castle must be approved first." If Lily didn't know better, she'd think that Minerva was actually annoyed with her for breaking the rules.

"Professor McGonagall, this is Mr. Ivan Goring, of Magical Law Enforcement. He had some questions to ask be about--"

Goring cut her off by standing and introducing himself (needlessly, as Lily had already done so and he had no doubt once been a pupil of the Transfiguration Professor) and shook Minerva's hand.

"That's all very well," said the stern Scotswoman, her brogue seeming to increase with the level of intimidation she wanted to achieve. "But that does not change the fact that you don't have authorisation to be here and question a Hogwarts student."

He fished some parchment from an inner robe pocket and handed it to her. "I have authorisation," he said smugly.

"Why didn't you then make an appointment with the Headmaster to schedule a meeting with a student? That is the customary prescript."

"You are aware of it now, so if you don't mind, I'd like to continue--"

James didn't even bother to knock before coming in. Only because she knew him so well could she tell that he was carefully controlling his breathing, indicating that he had run there.

Now it was three against one. Lily was feeling triumphant. Once again, there were unnecessary introductions, and the debate was resumed.

"This is a closed investigation, Even you, Auror Potter, do not have clearance or authority to be here."

"I was there the whole time. Why don't you question me?"

"We already have your statement, Auror Potter. I just want to talk to the girl."

Minerva tried again. "I still cannot allow an adult male in the Head Girl's room un-chaperoned," Minerva insisted with her most schoolmarmish frown. Of course, everyone in that room but Goring knew that this rule too was also consistently disregarded. In fact, it was almost cheeky of McGonagall to site that regulation knowing what she did, and with James right there in the room.

"She is of age," Goring pointed out. No one could argue their way out of this. "And you are impeding an official investigation," he pointed out angrily.

McGonagall's lips firmed into a very thin line of disapproval, but acquiesced with ill grace.

Slowly and slyly, Lily reached down and picked up the invisibility cloak that luckily lay at her feet. She walked with it to the door under the pretext of showing them out. James knew exactly what she was doing, and the hand-off was smooth and unnoticed, even by Minerva. The moment he was out of Goring's sight he threw the cloak over him and managed to slip back in before the portrait hole closed. Minerva looked shocked at first, but then nodded firmly in approval before leaving.

Now seemingly alone with Goring, she went back to her armchair in front of the fire. Lily remembered that James couldn't do magic, or shouldn't, but that didn't matter. He was there. If something went horribly wrong, his mere presence would be helpful. She didn't doubt she was a match for Goring magically, but it was nice to have official support from one of the aurory's best.

"Now, Miss Evans. Please continue," he said testily.

"I'm sorry, what was the question?"

"You were telling me what happened after Brockhurst died."

"Oh. Well we went to tell Professor McGonagall."

"And after that?" he pressed.

"After that I... I went to the Hospital Wing."

"Why." It wasn't phrased like a question. It was the demand 'tell me why' condensed into one word.

It irked her.

"I had been feeling poorly," she lied. "Roo insisted Madame Pomfrey have a look at me."

"And then what?"

"And then we went to the Headmaster's office for a meeting."

"Tell me about that meeting."

"They discussed what should be done," she hedged. She hadn't actually _been_ there for most of the meeting, she'd been out on the grounds looking for the wand, but she wasn't going to readily admit that.

"You arrived late, though," he pointed out, certain of this fact.

_Feck. _

_ So_, Goring had already talked to someone that had been at that staff meeting. Someone, either intentionally or unintentionally, had snitched. He already knew she had arrived late. And if he knew that, he probably knew what she'd brought back with her. _Damn._

"Yes, sir."

"What were you doing?"

Lily gritted her teeth, but she could feel James next to her, putting a warm reassuring hand on her shoulder.

It was time to tell a selective half-truth, and hope to Merlin that he bought it.

"I was on the grounds, looking for the Dea-- dead man's arm." She almost said 'Death Eater' but stopped herself at the last moment. She wasn't even sure why.

"And why did you do that?"

Did she take the heat for this, say that she did it all on her own and possibly get in trouble for meddling with Ministry affairs, or did she say that James told her to, and possibly make things difficult for him later?

James squeezed her shoulder again, and she felt like he was giving her permission.

"Auror Potter told me to. Without the arm, we couldn't know for certain he was Death Eater."

She exhaled. She'd managed to side-step the whole wand issue by making it seem as if it were the arm she was looking for the whole time, when really it was an incidental acquisition. Now the question remained, did whoever Goring talked to notice the wand with the arm when she came back? Or only the arm? That could mean everything.

"Why you?" he asked.

"Excuse me?"

"Why did he send a _student_ out to find the missing limb?"

"I don't ask questions, I just do what I'm told," she replied. She heard James snort next to her, and she jabbed the invisible man with her elbow. No doubt he'd throw that in her face at the first opportunity, as he constantly remarked that she was always asking questions and _never_ did what she was told.

"If you want to know I suggest you ask Auror Potter. Pity he's not here anymore," she said.

James hand moved from her shoulder down her back, rubbing in small circles as if to say, '_oh yes I am.'_

Goring frowned, but accepted this answer.

"And at what time did you erect the wards around the castle?"

_Damn it, damn it, damn it._

"Just before we informed Professor McGonagall," she admitted.

"And why didn't you say this before?" he asked pointedly, perhaps even accusatorily.

He had already known and caught her in the lie. Not good. "It was a matter of castle security. I was told not to tell anyone."

"I am not _anyone_, Miss Evans."

"Of course not, Mr. Goring." Her jaw was beginning to hurt from clenching it so tightly.

"Tell me about the wards."

Lily hesitated. "Is that necessary, sir? It has nothing to do with Brockhurst. It's just school security."

"Miss Evans, if you are uncooperative, I will be forced to take you to London with me."

James gripped her about the shoulders so tightly she was sure she tilted to the side. Goring didn't seem to notice.

"They were inimicus wards," she said, relenting. She did _not_ want to be seen as uncooperative. James had just told her the day before to avoid appearing to dissent at all costs. "I cast first, but later at the staff meeting it was suggested that Professor Flitwick take them over."

"But Flitwick rejected this proposal."

_Damn. He knew that too_. "At the time yes. Later I... fell ill and let them drop, and Professor Flitwick erected new ones."

Which was true. She'd taken them back later but there was no way Goring could know _that_ unless it was Flitwick himself whom he'd already talked to. Though Lily couldn't envision the tiny Charm's Professor revealing such a thing. Had Malfoy been a test? He seemed to smirk at her, as if he had suspected she'd turn up. _Oh merciful Merlin,_ she thought.

Now that this man knew that much they'd have to tell Flitwick so they could switch them back in order to corroborate with her story.

"Hmm," he said. Lily couldn't tell if he sounded convinced or not. "Let's go back to what you were doing during the first part of the meeting."

"Looking for the arm?"

"Yes. Where did you find it?"

"In the forest, just outside of Hogsmeade."

"That's where you found it?"

"That's what I just said,"

"You scanned the whole area for it? You didn't just summon it?"

Lily frowned at his condescending tone. "One, you can't summon an object you don't know exactly where it is," she said. Although she had found a way around that to a certain extent, he didn't need to know that. "And two, even if I could I don't very much fancy the idea of bloody severed limbs flying at me." She crossed her arms and frowned right back at him.

"What about the wand?"

There. There it was.

She merely blinked before responding. "What wand?"

"Brockhurst's."

"I don't know."

"It wasn't with the arm?"

"I... I didn't think to look."

"Surely you would have noticed a wand."

"It was in the forest. It was getting dark. I'd just witnessed a man die and found a human arm with the Dark Mark on it. Forgive me if I wasn't being overly observant, I was a bit distracted."

"By the Death Eaters?"

_Damn it, who_ had_ he been talking to?_ One thing she _did_ know was that he wasn't connected to the Death Eaters directly, because they hadn't been aware of her presence in the forest.

If they had been, Lily probably wouldn't be alive for the current interrogation.

"Yes."

"You didn't mention them before."

"I hadn't got to that part yet."

"Very well, continue."

She sighed. She really didn't _want_ to continue, but she doggedly went on anyway.

"That's how I found it. Bellatrix Lestrange was... was playing with it when I arrived."

A bit of a lie, but no one could prove her wrong.

"You duelled her?"

"No sir. She didn't know I was there." Granted, that didn't stop her from nearly getting clipped by the killing curse all the same.

"If you didn't duel anyone, then why did witnesses say you returned bloody and unwell?"

Witness_es_? More than one?

"That happened in the Hogshead," she reported getting nervous.

"Explain."

"I thought I'd floo back to the castle from there. And someone broke a glass over my head."

"Who would do that?" he asked, disbelievingly.

She shrugged. "I don't know his name, but it's wasn't the first time he'd attacked me. I was eager to get back to the school and wasn't being as vigilant as I could have been."

"Why did he attack you?"

That was another story she wasn't willing to go into. Still, she had a plausible excuse readymade. "I'm _muggleborn_, sir," she said, sneering slightly. "It wouldn't be the first some ignorant fool mistreated their fellow wizard because of bigoted prejud—."

James pinched her, hard, on the back of the neck.

Right. No dissenting.

Lily sighed and tried to bring herself back on track. "I didn't see him and he caught me off guard. But it has nothing to do with the current matter, sir."

He nodded curtly, lips pressed together firmly.

"Let's go back to the forest where you found the arm. You said you saw Death Eaters."

"Rabastan? Rastaban? Something like that and Bellatrix Black. Er-- Lestrange," she corrected herself immediately.

"How did you know who they were?"

"I'd never seen the man before. I just know because that's what _she_ called him."

"And Lestrange?"

Lily's face darkened. "We'd met before," she gritted out. James began rubbing again.

"When?"

"Christmas Eve. In Dover." Surely he'd remember that, it was all over the news.

"Ah yes. So what where they doing when you came across them?"

"I'm not sure. They were looking for something, I think."

"The wand?"

"I don't know. It might have been. She just said 'accio.' I didn't know what she was trying to summon and at the time I was too terrified to care. Whatever it was, they didn't find it and they left."

"And you took the arm and went into the Hogshead,"

"Yes, sir."

"And that was the last you saw of any Death Eaters."

Lily swallowed thickly, thinking of Severus and how he had pushed her into the fire to get her out of harm's way.

"Yes." Her voice was firm. She simply couldn't have given him Severus' name.

James' hand on her shoulder stiffened and stilled, but didn't leave its place.

"Then I returned to the castle. You know from there."

He took a moment to scribble several things down.

"That's quite a story, Miss Evans," he remarked.

She shrugged.

Goring rose from his seat, stretching a bit. Thinking the interview was over, Lily sighed with relief.

A bit prematurely, as it happened.

"I'll need you to come with me," he told her.

"What? But I cooperated!"

"Yes, and I'm going to ask you to continue to be cooperative."

"But. But--! I don't want to go to London!" she said desperately.

"London? No, not that far. Just show me where on the grounds you found the arm."

"Oh." She could have collapsed with relief.

.

It was a long, silent walk to the edge of the village before they entered the forest; James a comforting invisible presence shadowing their steps. She made a show of trying to remember the place she'd found the arm, although the exact location had been burned forever in her memory.

"Here," she said. pointing to the place she had accidentally stumbled over it.

Goring surveyed the ground, scanning the forest floor for a few moments. "Accio Brockhurst's wand!"

Of course nothing happened. He growled in frustrated disappointment. "Worth a try," he said, more to himself than anything. "Well, thank you for your time, Miss Evans. If you think of anything else, the owls know where to find me." And with that, he walked the little distance to the village and dissapparated.

"That wasn't very gentlemanly!" she said, once he'd gone. "Leaving me here to walk back to the castle all by myself."

James ripped off the invisibility cloak. His cheeks were flushed.

"What. A. _Wanker!_" he snarled angrily. He grabbed her possessively and continued grumbling under his breath to himself as he steered her back towards the direction of the castle. "Fecking _Goring_. Sneaking in here trying to worm the answers he wanted out of you. Then just leaves you in the forest alone? Absolute. Tosser."

His stride was angry and long, and Lily had a bit of trouble keeping up with him. It wasn't until she tripped and landed on her knees and hands with a grunt did James' initial flare of temper die out.

"Sorry, Evans," he said, helping her up.

"S'alright," she assured him, wiping her dirty palms off on her robes and then inspecting them. "What were you saying?"

While he continued with his rant she wandlessly cleansed her scraped hands and healed them as best she could, all while they were in her pockets. She didn't take them out to look at them again because she didn't want James to feel guilty and she didn't want him to know she'd done magic. She was ridiculously sensitive of the fact that he could not and didn't want to seem like she was rubbing it in his face.

She'd learned that lesson long ago, at Petunia's expense. She didn't fancy doing it again.

"Half the people in Magical Law Enforcement are corrupt, just like with the rest of the Ministry. We don't know who we can trust and who we can't. Moody didn't want that wand falling into the wrong hands. Hands like Gorings'."

"You didn't trust him either?"

He snorted. "Of course not. I can count the number of people I trust at the Ministry on one hand."

Frank, Alice, Gideon, Fabian, and Moody, Lily suspected. All Order members.

"You think he was a Death Eater?"

"Who, Goring? No. Just because he isn't a Death Eater doesn't mean he's good. Lotta blokes will give information to whoever is willing to slip them a little gold, or terrifying them into doing it. Or perhaps they are just doing their job, and their superior is the venal one. Taking all their honest work and turning it around against them. In any case, you were right to suspect him. If he were truly on the level he'd have scheduled an appointment for the interview."

She nodded.

"Or perhaps it was just the typical M.L.E inefficiency," he added.

"You really don't like M.L.E do you?" she asked.

"None of the aurors do."

"Why not?"

"Simple snobbery. Aurors look down on regular law enforcement."

Lily's eyes widened. "Do _you_?"

"Of course I do!" he said.

"James!" she nearly shouted, scandalised.

"What? Most of them are just thugs looking to exert power over others. It takes no education, very little training and no thinking. Only obedience."

"I'm sure Moody doesn't look down on obedience," she said pointedly.

James harrumphed mightily. "Obedience would mean nothing to him without the ability to reason. Doing what you are told can only take you so far. Give them the order to think and they're stumped. Mission failed."

"Still, I'm sure there are _some_ good officers."

"The 'good' ones, as you say, are moved up to the aurory. M.L.E regulars is just drudge work and brute squad." He stopped then smiled. "No place for someone like you. Clever, the way you misled him that way."

James' smile turned into a frown, and he looked down at his foot. He bent over to tie his shoe.

"Thank you," she said quietly. "For coming."

He looked up at her from his crouched position. "Thanks for letting me know. I'd have been cross with you if you _hadn't_ told me, you know."

She grinned. "You get cross with me about everything," she pointed out.

A mischievous smirk supplanted the frown on his face.

"Not _everything_..." he said, his hand sneaking under her robes and skirt and heading upwards.

He reached his target and frowned. "I bloody hate stockings," he said.

"I thought you liked a challenge," she joked.

He nosed her pelvis and kissed the fabric of her skirt. "Later," he promised. "However tempting a challenge you present, my dear, dallying in the forest is not the wisest idea."

She agreed but for some reason her fingers buried themselves in his hair as if he hadn't spoken. She knew how much James enjoyed it, and he groaned in pleased response.

"Heart, please," he begged. "Don't tempt me. It's a bad idea but I'm not strong enough to say no twice."

James didn't have all his magic back in any case. She stopped abruptly with this realisation. They could continue later.

When next he met her eyes, she could see that he really _had _wanted to continue. He'd wanted her to tempt him into bad judgment.

She'd done enough of that already.

They continued back to the castle walking more closely to each other than they had before, his arm around her shoulder and their sides pressed together.

As he had missed his lesson that afternoon, they were both free for the rest of the day. They exited the forest, coming to the face of the castle wall. James made to walk towards the great oak doors, while Lily unconsciously turned the other way. She hadn't really meant to, but she could sense the line of her inimicus wards and had started to trace it.

"What is it?" he asked, tilting his head curiously.

"The wards," she answered. "They know about them now. Something will have to be done."

He nodded. "Talk to Filius about them tonight on your rounds," he suggested. "He'll need to take them back."

"I know." She took out her wand and gave the line a little prod. She felt the effect of it ripple through her, tickling her madly and she jumped, laughing.

She sat down on the ground and did it again. This time she fell on her back giggling. It was probably the oddest sensation she'd ever experienced.

"What on earth are you doing?" he asked, amused and bemused.

"Tickling myself with the wards. I wish you could feel what it's like. It's... indescribable."

James sat down beside her with a smile. "Try," he suggested.

She did so, and then James took out his wand to prod it in experimentation.

"No magic!" she told him (between gasps of laughter.) Madame Pomfrey had been quite insistent.

"Very well," he said, putting his wand away and attacking her with wiggling fingers. She shrieked and giggled, squirming wildly as he tickled her remorselessly.

"James!" she squealed, but to no avail.

Nothing she said could make his stop, but she suspected her face, bright red from lack of air, finally convinced him to desist.

She lay on the ground, panting up at the cloudy sky. James sat, leaning up against the castle wall, looking pleased with himself.

They were silent for a long time, each lost in their own thoughts. Actually, Lily was lost in the clouds. Imagining what it would be like to fly through them. Wet, most likely, but it would be exhilarating. She wondered if James had ever flown that high before.

Wind blew about, rustling the forest trees. Lily thought she caught the smell of snow delicately carried on the harsher bite of pine.

"Lily?" James' voice broke the silence.

"Hmm?"

"Why do they call it, 'powdering your nose'?"

She didn't even wonder why he asked. She was empty of curiosity at that moment. "Muggle women use a cosmetic powder to hide imperfections in the skin."

"Oh."

Silence again.

James was idly combing his fingers through her hair, sometimes absentmindedly playing with the delicate earlobe, when somebody rounded the corner, nearly stepping on her. Lily sat bolt upright as all three individuals let out little shrieks of surprise. Pomona Sprout clutched her chest in startlement as if she could physically slow her heart that way.

"Professor Potter! Miss Evans!" she said, gasping.

Lily winced as the words cracked over her. She was beginning to despise the words 'Professor Potter.' They made her feel guilty and ashamed every time she heard them. Especially now, as they had been caught on the side of the castle all by themselves like naughty children sneaking away to smoke or snog.

Except they had been doing neither, thankfully.

James recovered himself first. "Afternoon, Professor Sprout. Care to join us?"

"Join you, Potter? What are you on about?"

"Ward prodding," he replied, brilliantly giving them a viable excuse for being there. Well calculated too, Lily realised a moment later, as the Herbology professor was weak and wholly disinterested in charms.

"No..." she said, finally having regained her composure. "No thank you. I have lichen to collect," she stated.

Lily's eyes flicked to the side of the towering castle wall. It and the surrounding area, boulders and trees, were covered with it. Strange, Lily would have thought it would be too cold. Well, that's something she'd have to study during her self-designated study time for Herbology.

"Well," Lily said, rising to her feet. "I'd better go find Professor Flitwick. Good afternoon, Professor," she said to Sprout. Lily hoped that the woman had believed them. James pushed off the wall to stand as well, and brushed his hands off on his thighs.

They rounded the same corner from which Sprout had come and once she was certain they were out of earshot, she asked, "Think she was convinced?"

James shrugged. "We weren't doing anything wrong."

"That's not the point," she wanted to argue back, but didn't. She didn't want to delve any deeper in the topic of how they kept their relationship a secret. She would be squirming the whole time if they made the attempt, and really, what was there to say? Nothing could change what had happened and it would only be Lily venting her worries, which helped nothing.

She thought she might owl Sirius with her insecurities, but didn't want to trouble him. He'd tell her to stop being dramatic and focus on essentials, or at least something more amusing.

.

Although she didn't actually mean to, Lily fell asleep on the couch the moment she took to it. She stirred a few hours later when James prodded her gently.

"Going to dinner or should I let you sleep?"

"Hmm?" she mumbled groggily, wiping her eyes.

"I'll wake you in time for your patrol if you'd rather stay."

She wasn't thinking of all the work she should be doing, only that it was wonderfully warm and comfortable there next to the fire.

"Alright," she said, turning over and closing her eyes again.

She was more lucid the next time she came around, nearing nine o'clock. There was a plate of food and flagon of pumpkin juice on the table for her.

She didn't know if the thoughtfulness had been James' or the house elves', but her grumbling stomach thanked them and she tucked in before pulling her work back to her.

.

"You're awake," James said, pulling off the invisibility cloak as he stood next to the fire to warm his hands.

"Been outside?" she asked, noticing how cold he looked.

"Just taking a walk with Hagrid," he replied. "Thanking him for finding Dragon."

"Oh." She cleared her throat. "Do you have much work tonight?"

"I've been trying to get it done. Why?"

"Just wondered if you'd come with me and talk to Flitwick. Just for a minute. Just so it doesn't sound as dodgy when I tell him, 'If anyone from the Ministry asks, you've had the wards the whole time.'"

"Ah. Yes, alright. Should probably tell Minerva and the Headmaster as well."

"Right. And I need to thank her too, for coming to my rescue," she said, getting up. Her homework was completed, she had finished a few letters and written a final draft for the potion she was going to hand in to Bunsen but there was still much to be done.

Still, she put her things away and rose to leave.

"Leaving so soon?"

"I want to catch Minerva before she goes to bed. I'll be back."

She was already reaching for the cloak even as he reminded her to take it.

.

As promised, James came with her to meet Filius in the Entrance Hall to explain the situation. He looked forlorn.

"Dark times indeed when we can't even trust law enforcement," he said shaking his head.

Lily felt oddly bereft when Flitwick took the wards from her. She'd been so used to their slight tickling and now that they were gone her body felt oddly still, inactive. She knew that that certainly wasn't the case, however.

"You know they are passing a Muggleborn Registration and Identification Act?" she asked him.

"No!" he squeaked, genuinely shocked.

She nodded. "Either we have to wear the mark identifying us as muggleborns, or we forfeit our wands and leave magical society forever."

"What do you intend to do?" he asked, concerned.

"What else can I do but take the mark? I don't have a home in the muggle world anymore. I missed 7 years of muggle education, I wouldn't even be able to work or function properly there."

That was the first time she'd actually said that aloud, and it was a startling and frightening realisation. Even if she wanted to she _couldn't_ go back to the muggle world. No one there to support her, and she couldn't support herself. She hadn't done any A-levels. As far as the muggle world was concerned, her education had stopped at 12 years of age, meaning that she was less educated than almost all of her non magical contemporaries.

That made her frown.

She was actually _ignorant_. She could do arithmancy but not calculus. She never took a biology class, or anything than an elementary history of Britain. She was, in a word, uneducated.

Despite her mother and father's best efforts to teach her during summers (mainly Welsh and whatever news was in the morning paper), she knew her muggle education was pitiful.

If she had to survive in the muggle world, she'd have to take the lowest job, manual labour, perhaps cleaning or in the food service industry. Or she could work in a pub. Not that she could admit she had experience. She couldn't very well put 'The Leaky Cauldron' as a reference.

Then again, as a marked muggleborn, getting a good job in the magical world might prove just as impossible. She might be forced to waiting tables after all.

"I am sorry for you, Miss Evans. It is unjust."

"I was going to tell you before, but I doubt now anyone in the Experimental Charms department would hire me."

"Mr. Potter said you intended to enter the aurory."

"Yes. Alastor Moody's said he'll help me, but I know I'm lucky to have a connection like that. Other muggleborns aren't so fortunate. It might not be too late for the younger students to go back to their parents in the muggle word, and go back to a muggle education, but they will never be the same knowing what they could have been."

They walked silently for a time.

"Maybe when the war is over..." she began, but stopped herself. Lily shook her head and changed the subject. "How does one _mark_ something?" she asked, changing the subject.

"How do you mean?"

"Well, the identification marks. How do you think the Ministry will go about marking us? I don't know anything about marking magic."

"Well, Miss Evans I don't know what to tell you. Some wizards mark their magical beasts with a branding charm."

Lily shuddered involuntarily at the thought of being branded like a steer. Flitwick saw this and hastily added, "But I doubt the Ministry would consider such a painful method."

"Then how?"

"I honestly don't know. The only example I know of _people_ being marked is the obvious one, but that is..." Flitwick trailed off.

"No, I should think not," Lily agreed.

The tattoo-like mark on each and every Death Eater was more than _just_ a mark. It could summon and do who knew what else.

Lily stopped walking as that dreadful thought occurred to her.

What if muggleborn marks weren't just marks either? What if they too were magicked to do other things, like track or, she shuddered to think, cause pain.

She needed to learn more about those marks, and swiftly. Not that her knowledge would change anything about her having to take it.

Flitwick realised she was no longer walking beside him and stopped and turned around.

Lily snapped out of her mental wanderings and hurried to catch up with him.

x

"Sirius?" Remus called when he returned to the London flat that evening. He'd been out searching for work for the better part of the day. Sirius hadn't been there that morning when Remus got up for breakfast. Remus thought he'd left two hours before. He'd been awakened from a deep sleep by the sound of the front door opening and closing again.

It was growing later in the evening and Sirius hadn't returned.

Or he'd returned and gone out again.

He heard footsteps outside and assumed it was Sirius but when there was a double tap at the door he knew it was Peter.

"Hullo, Wormtail," he greeted when his friend walked in, shuffling his feet on the mat before walking fully into the room.

"Evening, Moony. Padfoot around?"

"No. Just me for now."

"Where's he gone?" he asked, removing his scarf and cloak.

Remus shrugged. "Who knows."

"Who ever knows, right?" Peter said grinning, and sauntered into the kitchen. "Larder's a bit sparse, in'it?" The sound of Peter rummaging about in the kitchen made Remus' stomach growl from the suggestion.

"Wine rack nicely stocked though. What's your fancy?"

If Remus had wine on his empty stomach he'd be drunk after two glasses.

With a groan that sounded like it could have come from a man 50 years his senior, he pushed himself out of his seat and joined Peter in the kitchen.

There _was_ food, it simply couldn't be immediately taken out and eaten. Peter couldn't cook, and if he didn't still live with his mother, he'd probably starve.

Automatically, Remus began to prepare something. A quarter of an hour produced a passable meal for the pair of them.

The door opened and banged closed. A moment later Sirius popped his head in, and he sniffed appreciatively. He summoned a chair while loosening his tie, sat down and served himself a large portion, tucking in without a word.

He displayed an uncharacteristically healthy appetite. At least, it was unusual for him _these_ days. Back at Hogwarts he could out-eat all of them, and even earlier in the year he never passed up a meal. That had changed at some point, Remus couldn't pin down exactly when or why. His sleep, once sacred to him, had become infrequent and restless and he often skipped meals.

"Welcome back," Remus greeted.

"Mmm," said Sirius, not looking up until he finished his plate. He sighed, replete, and patted his stomach. "Right then. Long day, I'm turning in. Night."

He walked swiftly out of the room, leaving Remus and Peter to stare at each other with raised eyebrows.

x

"Ptolemy," Sirius said briskly, summoning his owl to him. The bird had been perched on the other side of the room. Sirius could have walked over to him to attach the letter he'd just written, but he was the master, why should he bother?

Ptolemy hooted and flew to his side, just narrowly avoiding turning over the ink pot.

Sirius sealed the letter and secured it to Ptolemy's leg. "That goes to Ebony's mistress."

Ptolemy let out a hoot of understanding and pivoted about in its birdish way, readying itself to take off.

"And be careful," he added hastily. "Avoid anyone who comes near you other than the lady herself, alright?"

Sirius recalled James mirroring him, ranting about how Dragon met his fate. An inept interceptor. Sirius would dislike it should his own owl suffer the same.

He summoned a bottle of wine and a glass and sat in his overstuffed armchair to sip it slowly. He felt he deserved it after the day he'd had, and hoped that all his finagling wouldn't be wasted effort.

The boy probably didn't even deserve it.

x

_Tap tap._

Lily awoke suddenly at the faint sound.

_Hoo hoo._

She turned to the window.

_Tap tap tap. _

It was too dark to see, but she slid out of bed, careful not to wake James, though there was rarely any danger of that. Silently she opened the window, letting the owl in. The wind outside was freezing and small bits of ice and rain bit at her face. She hastily shut it again. There was only a moment's disappointment in seeing Ptolemy. Lily had been hoping to hear back from Severus, but each passing day brought another disappointment. Still, hearing from Sirius was just as lovely. It had been a long time since they'd owled another. She rather missed it.

"Come, dear," she said, holding out her arm. Ptolemy hopped on (rather painfully, but Lily didn't cry out. That _would_ wake James) and she made her way to the sitting room and lit the fire.

"Move over, Ebony," she said, and Ptolemy left her arm in favour of the perch.

She undid the letter, assuming it was for her, as Sirius would just use the mirror if he wanted to talk to James.

"Poor thing," she remarked. "Flying so far in this weather."

She offered Ptolemy some buttery biscuit crumbs and shreds of ham, the leftovers of the after-midnight snack she and James had had when she returned from her patrol with Flitwick.

It was just like Sirius, to give her a palaclaved letter but not the password. Maybe it wasn't for her after all.

Still, she'd give it a try, if it didn't work then she'd leave it there for James. If it did work and it wasn't for her, well... she could read it and then put the password back on it and James would be none the wiser.

"Cariad?" she tried. It didn't work. Too obvious perhaps. She grinned. "Snuffles?"

Slowly, the red sealing wax melted away and the letter wriggled, jumped, then popped open.

_Cariad,_

_ I hope this Dante deBeaulieu is worth it. Following our discussion I made enquiries and spent the entire day looking into leads. It wouldn't do to have deBeaulieu employed in the Ministry, as it's just as full of the Dark Lord's people. He'd be no safer so I thought his best bet was get him out of Britain all together._

_ After much discussion, calling in favours of friends of friends, I met with the manager of Briga Bromfleet. That's right, Cariad, a quidditch team, just as the boy wanted. They'd take him on as reserve Chaser, but if deBeaulieu is the proud sort, he won't take it._

_ The only other option is junior arithmancer in a small firm just outside of Brussels._

_ I hope your boy is worth all this trouble. But I know you'll say that keeping anyone out of the Dark Lord's clutches is worth it. Let's hope it proves so. _

_ I spoke to James about the registration act and I don't imagine you were pleased. Don't worry, Cariad, we'll work something out. _

_ I thought sometime this or next week we could go to Diagon and get James a new owl. _

_ Hope you are well._

_ Yours,_

_ ~S_

Several emotions swirled together in her stomach. Relief mixed with pleasure that Sirius had managed to arrange a place for Dante out of the country and hopefully Voldemort's reach. Unease at the reminder that the muggleborn registration act loomed ahead of her, chagrin that poor Dragon needed replacing. And something close to worry at the tone of Sirius' letter. Was he concealing something? His style was different, off. Perhaps it was just more professional than personal, and so it lacked the usual warmth or witticisms. He might have been tired when he wrote it. He'd said that he'd been working all day, after all.

She'd put him out, he'd made that clear. Had she asked too much of him? No, it was worth it, and if Sirius had truly thought it wasn't worth his time, he wouldn't have gone through with it. He was that sort of man.

And yet there was almost nothing he wouldn't do for his friends if one of them asked. He was also _that_ sort of man.

Lily distractedly fed Ptolemy another sliver of ham before feeding Sirius' letter to the fire.

She watched it burn pensively, mentally trying to compose a note in reply. Having a pitiful draft in mind, she put quill to parchment.

_Darling Sirius,_

_ You'd think that by now you'd cease to be able to amaze me, but apparently not. I'm certain no man but you could have accomplished all that you did, much less so rapidly. I'd ask you how you do it, but I wouldn't want to ruin your mystique. (I only say that. I will, of course, want to hear everything next time I see you.) _

_ Truth is, dear, I feel horribly in your debt. If there is anything, in any capacity, that I can do for you, you know you can ask me, yes? Granted, I can't think of anything I might be able to do for you that you cannot do yourself, but if anything occurs to you, please speak up._

_ I'm well, to answer your question. Set upon by Ministry Law Enforcement yesterday, in my own rooms. I don't know if James has already told you. If he hasn't, I'll tell you all about it when we go to Eyelope's. We can swap tales._

_ It's already a quarter past four and the rain is beating viciously cold outside, so I'll wait until morning (later in the morning, that is) until the storm is passed to send Ptolemy back out again. So it will probably be late afternoon before you get this. I hope by then you will have caught up on your sleep. _

_Say hello to Remus and Peter for me, and to you, my dear, all my love._

_ Yours always,_

_ ~Lily_

She didn't want to risk James coming across the letter before she sent it, so she set a password (Cariad) and put it inside a potions text she doubted James would be moved to open.

Bidding both birds goodnight, she returned to her bedroom. James didn't awaken when she crawled back into bed, but he did immediately latch onto her warmth, spooning against her and mumbling into her hair nonsensical sleep speech.

Cosily enveloped in what she considered to be her happy place, she drifted off, waking up much the same way a few hours later.

.

When Lily awoke next morning, the first thing she did after habitual visit to the loo was check the weather. Seeing that it had cleared, she sent Ptolemy out carrying her let so that James wouldn't wander into the sitting room and see him perched there. He might wonder why.

x

James was intent on searching out Dippet that day, but whenever he tried to approach her, she always managed to scuttle away somehow. Curious, James thought. Had she always been that slippery and he was only just not finding out because this was the first time he'd actually gone after her?

He walked into his seventh year lesson that afternoon, giving Lily a wink. She squirmed awkwardly in her seat and looked away. He snickered to himself and started lecturing.

"I'm going to assume that you did the reading I assigned. If you didn't then just leave." No one left. "Good. I want you all to write down in your own words what magical convergence means and how it can be applied to Defence Against the Dark Arts. You have thirty minutes. After that I'll demonstrate a new spell and we will practice."

Lily's head shot up and she fixed him with a disapproving glare that said in no uncertain terms, 'You are not supposed to be doing magic.'

He only smirked and said, "Begin!"

Lily continued in her steadfast stare as others behind her began shuffling in their bags for ink, quills, and parchment.

"Begin," he insisted.

She let an angry huff of air and grudgingly started writing. He noticed as he looked over her shoulder later that she had blotted in several places due to her temper. She didn't know that he had already done magic half a dozen times that week. Magic was just second nature to him, and he'd often forgot that he was supposed to refrain. It was harder than he imagined. Having to get up and walk across the room to fetch something instead of summoning it seemed almost contrary to nature. Other times he _had_ to use magic, like when he had to open and close his special files case. Still, they had been relatively small bits of magic. What he intended to demonstrate that day in class, however, was no simple charm.

James watched, enchanted by seeing Lily in another one of her charming snits, as she finished her short essay and brought it to his desk, slamming it down with a loud thud. Her eyes sparkled with green fire. Lovely.

"I'll take away your wand, James Potter," she threatened. "Or do you _want_ to lose your magic for good?"

"I'm not _going_ to do any magic," he said. "It's only going to look like I am."

"How are you going to manage that?" she asked sceptically. "_Without_ magic?"

"Because, my dear, you are going to be my Babbitty Rabbitty."

"You're what?" she asked, looking confused, wondering if she should be offended.

"My Babbitty Rabbitty," he repeated, then fell silent as another student came up to turn in the assignment. When he'd gone, James continued at a whisper, "You know, from the children's story."

She glared at him. "I don't _know_ any wizard's children stories. I asked _someone_ when we were staying at the Leaky Cauldron but _someone_ refused tell me," she said pointedly.

He nearly strained himself trying to fish out that memory. Mid-December. He'd told her to go to sleep and she wanted him to tell her a story, a wizard story because she'd never heard one. He'd refused, saying he was no good at it.

He had at least thought she'd have heard of Babbitty Rabbitty. It was inconceivable that any magical child should not know it. _Everyone_ knew it.

Or at least, he _thought_ everyone knew it.

Apparently not.

He didn't have the time to tell her the tale right then, so he just told her simply, "Look, all you have to do is silently cast the spell when I wave my wand and say the incantation. It will look like I'm doing it." _A la Babbitty Rabbitty._

x

"_James!_" she hissed. "What if I can't _do_ the spell?"

He snorted. "Of course you can."

His confidence in her was both gratifying andterrifying. She _had_ performed the spell before but what if she hadn't? She didn't appreciate being put on the spot.

"You might have told me last night, I could have practiced!" she whispered.

James only laughed. "But that wouldn't be any fun at all!" he replied, as if that were actually a sound defence.

She frowned at him to keep a treacherous smile at bay and returned to her desk. She thought he might have seen it anyway.

James was outright ridiculous when the time came for demonstrating the spell. Once everyone had completed their summaries, it was simply one boastful display after another.

"Behind my back!" he'd say. "With my eyes closed!" "Wandless!"

Rather than being put off by this childish and ignorant behaviour, Lily found herself trying hard not to giggle.

"Silly ass," she said under her breath, grinning and trying to keep up with his latest brag.

She threw a stinging hex at him too, which landed neatly on his backside.

He jumped and turned quickly around to narrow his eyes at her. She met his stare evenly, trying to communicate the message 'less show, more class.'

It was apparently received because when he looked away, he said to the class, "Alright, that's enough demonstration. Start practicing in your own areas. And mind the magical backlash!"

He waved at them to begin and they did so.

Lily had had just about enough of that spell for one day, but she had to give the appearance of practicing so as not to draw attention to herself. At least she was well warmed up for it.

James, having that singular talent for being an utter prat at times, had come round to her desk to watch her perform the spell and actually criticised her spell casting, saying arrogantly 'Try to do it more like _I_ do, Evans."

She rolled her eyes and ignored him.

Do it more like him indeed! How was she supposed to do it more like herself than she already did?

.

That was their last class of the day, and Lily and James, and no doubt the rest of the students as well, were glad the lesson was over.

"I say, I think that went rather swimmingly," James said after the rest of the students had left, evidently pleased. Lily beamed, feeling complimented. "I never cease to amaze myself with my brilliance."

"_Your_ brilliance? _I_ did all the work!" she cried indignantly.

"But it was _my_ idea," James pointed out.

"No it wasn't, you stole it from Fabbity Wabbity."

"Babbitty Rabbitty," he corrected firmly, as if offended she hadn't got it right. "But never mind that. The point is that we are an excellent team and we are going out."

"Out?" she asked. '_On a school night?'_ she did _not_ add aloud. She didn't want to call attention to the fact that she was still a conscientious school-girl.

"It's been a long few days, we deserve it. Your treat."

She hadn't expected to go anywhere further than The Hogshead or the Three Broomsticks. But if she was to pay it meant they would be leaving the magical village entirely.

Though excited by the prospect, she still had her reservations.

"You'd actually be willing to go out into the muggle world without magic?"

The grimace only flashed across his face for a moment before it was replaced by a self-assured smile.

"I'll have _you_ to protect me, Lily dear." She ought to have been touched by this, and she was to some extent. But she knew the truth of the matter was that James wouldn't hesitate to go against the Healers orders and pull out his wand immediately and start letting the hexes fly. He might forever lose his magic that way; something Lily desperately wanted to prevent. As much as going out with James appealed to her, it wasn't wise.

Of course, Lily mused. At the first sign of any trouble she could simply apparate them back to the village. Lily pursed her lips at this, still undecided.

"Wouldn't it be more relaxing to have a nice long bath and sit in front of the fire?" she suggested.

"We can do that after," he said simply. "It's not a far fly to Duff town."

_Flying?_ Oh that did sound lovely. If they disillusioned themselves, and wore the cloak then it should be alright, Lily persuaded herself. Flying, and after that, dinner, and after that, and nice hot bath, and after that, a pleasant lounge in front of the fire.

"And after that will you give _me_ a massage?" she asked hopefully, continuing to imagine the evening's plan to her satisfaction.

James grinned knowingly and smiled down at her. "It would be my pleasure."

"And after that?" she asked, smirking. She knew very well what would come after that.

"And then we'll hold hands," he replied lowly, his pupils dilated. "Or..." he said, wrapping his arms round her waist. "We could hold hands _now_," he suggested.

It was clear which scheme James preferred, by the way he was pressing into her stomach.

"It _is_ a bit early for supper yet," she conceded, smiling impishly.

Without another word, he swept her up and hurried them into his office.

***

x

"You go back to yours and clean up and get ready. I'll meet you there in a few," James said, kissing her in parting. He had something to do before they left.

Madame Pince gave him the most scrutinizing look as he checked out _Tales of Beedle the Bard_, but he offered her no explanation. Lily had never heard Babbitty Rabbitty and her Cackling Stump, and he was going to rectify that situation.

"My broom or yours?" he asked when he joined her later in her chambers.

"Oh do let's take mine," she said begged. It pleased James no end that she was eager to ride her own broom. The broom _he_ had given her. He knew he was grinning like a fool watching her eagerly dash into the bedroom to retrieve it. He loved flying with Lily, more than almost anything else.

When she came back out he couldn't help but kiss her again. His hands went into her hair, and he was prepared to take it down so he could revel in it, but he felt his mother's comb and pulled away. He didn't want to ruin it. They had to be on their way, in any case.

"Ready?" he asked.

Lily nodded, still smiling.

x

She got to sit in the front this time and he settled in behind her. They had never ridden this way before and it excited her, made it more fun, somehow. Still, as she didn't know the way he directed her. James knew the area from above much better than she did. He and the marauders had flown out of Hogwarts several times during his student days; he knew the area well from the sky as well asthe ground, from his romps in his animagus form.

He nuzzled his face into her neck as they flew, making her giggle. His nose was cold but his breath was warm.

He really was doing all he could to keep her mind off Roo, and the Muggle Identification Marks, and everything else. She wanted to thank him for it, but that would ruin it. He thought he was being very subtle about it, but James was a true Gryffindor and how she loved him for it.

"Welcome to Duff town," said James when they landed. "Sirius found this place. It was a favourite haunt of his at school."

Lily put a notice-me-not charm on the broom and left it hidden in the alley in which they had removed their disillusionment charms and transfigured their clothes to look more muggle.

James chose a normal chipper (like the one they had eaten at in London, he said) and they sat down to eat, being openly affectionate as they were never allowed to be in the magical world. The few other patrons didn't look at them with disapproval, but disinterest, apart from one fat motherly type woman who smiled at them. Lily smiled back.

After their meal, they went for a walk, down the streets with James' arm around her. "It's snowing," he said, holding out his hand to catch one of the few flakes falling from the sky. "I didn't expect snow this late."

"It's still February."

He shrugged. "Still," he said simply.

James clearly liked the snow, but said that they had better get back to the castle. For while it was pleasant when it was just a light dusting, flying back through heavily falling snow was difficult business, not to mention wet and chilly.

Lily received another surprise, when after she'd changed into her pyjamas (James' Wasps jersey, actually) he pulled out a book. Not a normal book either. By the way it was decorated, and the illustrations she saw when he opened it, flipping to the page he wanted, it looked like a children's book.

Her hand went to her chest. Was he really going to?

"I wouldn't have thought it possible," James said. "But part of your magical education has been sorely neglected. Get in and let me read you a bedtime story."

Lily covered her mouth to keep from squealing at the sweet gesture.

She launched herself into bed, landing partly on James, causing him to emit a loud 'oomph!' and lose his place in the book. She snuggled up to him as he searched for the correct page again. He found it, and holding the book in his left hand, he played held her close with his right and began to read.

James Potter had a great many voices, Lily had noted. There was is lecturing teacher voice, flowing but firm. The auror voice, which was all business, hard, and strong. There was his marauder voice, which was laughing, fun, mischievous and carefree. There was his loving voice, which he used just for her and was more wonderful than Lily could describe. She liked to hear the other voices tainted by that love when he spoke to her.

There were others voices as well but the one in which James read the story was a voice she hadn't heard before.

She'd heard James read aloud before, and it hadn't sounded like this. She'd heard him recount stories before but not with this voice. It was a low, comforting rumble, almost musical. She wondered if that was how the story had been read to him when he had been a child when it dawned on her.

That was his _father_ voice, or would be when the time came.

Lily's heart clenched for a moment at the realisation, a combination of love for James and nostalgia of her own dad reading her stories many year ago.

Her heart unclenched a moment later. It melted, in fact, imagining the wonderful father that James would be. His right hand found its way to her scalp and played with her hair as he read, soothing her even further.

She was quite content to lie there with her head on his chest, listening to him read in that voice, but eventually the story came to its conclusion.

"The End," he finished, closing the book.

She looked up at him. "I love y—" she began, but stopped herself suddenly. That had been close. It had almost slipped out.

His eyebrows rose in surprise, clearly knowing what she had been about to say. She didn't often express her feelings out loud that way. She hadn't even realised it had been falling out of her mouth until it was too late. She flushed, embarrassed.

"I loved that story," she amended, unconvincingly and far too late.

James smiled and kissed her forehead. "And I love you."

"Can you read another?" she asked.

"Tomorrow," he said, chuckling. "My throat needs a rest." She could hear the father voice fading, and his usual cadences returning.

She conjured a glass and filled it with water for him, and he drank it down.

"Thanks for that," he said, putting the empty vessel on the bedside table. "Still want a massage?" he asked, his voice gone entirely back to normal.

Lily debated, then peeled off her shirt and lay flat on her stomach.

His hands were as warm as his voice, and just as affecting though in a different way. Still gentle and soothing, but exciting as well.

What a wonderful evening. What a wonderful man.

x

Despite all of his noblest efforts to keep her mind off the boy, Lily woke up crying for Ferris then rushed for the toilet. James could always tell when she had been dreaming about her friend. She always vomited afterwards. It made James slightly uncomfortable to witness, but there was nothing he could do about it... apparently. Not for want of trying.

James spent most Friday trying to track down Dippet. Frustrated by her elusiveness, that afternoon he decided he'd corner in a place she couldn't wiggle out of. Her own classroom while she lectured.

He didn't have a lesson that period so he stole into the small room used for muggle studies under his invisibility cloak.

He was surprised at how interesting the material was, though he was obviously behind the rest of the listeners. They didn't appear to be confused as to what the Chancellor of Exchequer was, or VAT or a labour party, as James was. He didn't think he'd attend a labour party, it didn't at all sound like fun.

But this was Lily's culture, James thought. Or her heritage, at any rate. Muggles seemed to have a very complicated system for everything. More complicated than even their magical one. That made sense really, James reasoned. The majority of the world was muggle. Billions of them, in all parts of the world.

As he listened, he found Dippet really did know her subject. Or, at least it appeared she did. How would James be able to tell when it came down to it? Still, she lectured competently and confidently. He was slightly surprised by this, as all previous times he'd ever spoken to her she seemed a bit scattered. Not now, though.

"Now, for those of you who want to go into the muggle liason office..." she continued on.

The class was sadly reduced as it was, and he suspected that most of those who remained in it did so because their abilities in practical magic was lacking, rather than a real interest in the subject. It was to bolster their NEWT scores. Ferris had been in this class, he remembered, because his best friend was muggleborn. He highly doubted that anyone currently enrolled had any serious intent on working with the muggle liaison office though. Even if they did they'd have a hard time, as the Ministry had recently halved the resources, both human and financial, to that department. Lily had read him that article from the Prophet only that morning.

James continued to listen with growing interest, and was almost disappointed when class ended and the students gathered their books and filed out. He hastily removed the cloak when her back was turned for a moment, and when she faced his direction again, she let out a shriek of surprise.

"Merciful Merlin," she gasped. After a moment and the worst of the shock had passed, she said "What are _you_ doing here?"

It was positively the coldest greeting he'd ever received from her. Usually she was delighted to see him, if slightly flustered.

"I came to watch you lecture," he told her in his most charming voice.

"Well class is over, you missed it," she said, sounding victorious. Why was she being so antagonistic all of a sudden?

"On the contrary, I didn't miss a word. Just what is VAT anyway?"

She was clearly stunned by this. "But... you weren't here!" her reason protested. It was a small class; she would have noticed any extras.

"I didn't _want_ you to see me," he said arrogantly. "I'm an auror. Stealth is what I do."

"Do... do you do that _often?_"

"We aurors are tight-lipped as well," he reported, delighting in her discomfiture.

"Why did you come here?" she asked, still uncertain and confused.

"You've been avoiding me, Darlene," he said dangerously, closing the distance.

She trembled a little and stepped back.

"Why?" he persisted.

"You know why."

"Do I?"

Her brows drew together. "You made your feelings perfectly plain at the ball," she said, regaining some of her earlier frigidness.

_Damn it, Sirius_, James thought. What had he said to her? No doubt Dippet had been pestering him and he lost his patience with her. It wouldn't have been such a bad thing had he not needed her cooperation now.

"Did I?" he repeated, his voice was soft but challenging.

"You said that when you see something you want, you take it, and that you saw nothing in me."

She lifted her chin defiantly but he could tell it was a brave front, that she really was still hurt by it.

No wonder. That had been rather harsh but not surprising, having come from Sirius.

Still, James thought he could work with that.

"It's not that I see nothing _in_ you. It's that I see nothing _of_ you."

She looked at him, puzzled.

"I mean look at you," he continued. "You are a bright, young, talented, warm-hearted witch and yet you do nothing with your gifts." The false flattery didn't bother James a bit. "You are a great lecturer but you could be so much more. With your oration skills you could be such a force of good in your field, but there is one thing you lack."

She blinked up at him as if dazzled. "What?" she breathed.

"_Fire,"_ he said. "It's the one thing you don't have."

There was a time they simply stared at each other, and James thought he saw a desperate need to prove herself glittering in her eyes.

"Or do you?" he asked, suggestively stepping closer.

Her chin lifted as her eyes fluttered closed in expectation.

James leaned in too, hesitated, then settled by kissing her on the temple, less than the intimacy of the mouth, but more than the platonic cheek.

"Sorry if I hurt you," he whispered into the hair near her ear. "You just frustrate me by letting your abilities go to waste." He pulled away to look at her, gripping her by her shoulders. "I want to see you in action, Darlene. I want to see what you are capable of. I want to see your fire."

James decided that he would leave her with that potent double-entendre, so he pinched her chin, grinned, and strode meaningfully out of the room.

An excellent (if slightly over the top) performance by James Potter. When he closed the classroom door behind him he opened his arms grandly and bowed to his imaginary audience, pretending to hear raucous applause. "Thank you, thank you," he said bowing again. "I'll be here all week."

Sir Nicholas de Mimsey-Porpington ghosted in through the ceiling at that moment and inquired as to what he was doing.

"Ah. Allo ol'Nick. Nothing. Nothing at all. And you? How's death?"

"Rather uneventful. How's life?"

"All too eventful. How did the request to join the Headless Hunt go?"

"Denied again," he sighed wistfully.

"Aww. Rotten luck. Next time, mate. Next time."

He sauntered back to his classroom just in time for his own lecture. No practicing today, as he still was on the Healer's orders not to do magic. and collected his things, preparing to go to London. Work work work. That's all he ever did.

Taking a secret passage down that led him near enough Lily's rooms he donned the cloak, and invisibly crossed the corridor and slipped inside.

She wasn't there.

"Right. Prefect meeting, damn," he said to himself. He could leave a note.

'_Is that really necessary?'_ he wondered. No, it wasn't, but he would leave on anyway. For one simple reason. Guilt.

Well, not quite guilt. He just didn't want Lily to come back and find him gone and wonder if he was still with Dippet. For some reason it seemed important to prove that he was elsewhere. Not that he thought Lily would assume the worst of him, in fact, he rather suspected she had more faith than anyone really should have in a Marauder, but that was beside the point.

Just to be safe, he thought. For courtesy's sake, he would leave a note.

He was just dipping the quill in ink when a patronus burst into the room. The usually fiery red phoenix was silvery white now, as it requested he go to the Headmaster's office immediately.

The moment he entered Dumbledore's study he saw Lily disappear into the green flames of the fireplace.

"Headmaster?" he asked. It was too late to call after Lily.

"Ah. Yes. I was wondering if I could trouble you to go and supervise the prefect meeting on the fourth floor."

"Where's Lily gone?" James asked, barely aware of the Headmaster's request.

"She's gone where she's been told to go. Just like any Order member is bound to do."

The hairs on the back of his neck began to prickle. "Where's she gone?" he repeated, realising that Dumbledore hadn't answer the question the first time.

The wizened wizard looked over his half-moon spectacles at him, wordlessly chiding him for asking. Yes, James knew that like the Death Eaters, Order members weren't informed about the missions of their fellows. It kept down the chances of leaks, or information falling to moles. But surely the Headmaster could at least tell _him_ about it. It was _Lily_ for Merlin's sake! Surely no one had a better right!

By the fiercely stubborn look the Headmaster gave him, he wouldn't be told a thing.

"The prefect meeting?" Dumbledore reminded him with disingenuous sweetness.

"Yes sir," said James, matching the level of false goodwill through clenched teeth.

.

James was angry, _furious_, with worry, frustrated by his impotence. He paced the Hospital Wing floor in mad distraction, making the students in their beds nervous. They should have been going to sleep at this point, but the tension radiating off the DADA professor kept them wake, listening to his footfalls from behind their curtains as he walked back and forth, back and forth.

James, however, was unaware that he was keeping them up. He paid them absolutely no mind, for while his body was pacing in the Hospital Wing, his mind was far away with the Order fighting in Southampton.

.

He had left Dumbledore's office in a barely concealed temper, stiffly entering the prefect meeting to oversee it, as the Head Girl was gone for the evening and the Head Boy... was gone forever. James wondered if anyone would take Ferris' place or if the position would remain empty this time.

He'd just called the meeting back into order when he heard Sirius calling from him pocket, sounding breathless.

"Prongs!"

James fished out the mirror.

"Here, Padfoot."

James noticed that Sirius was outside, and that it was too dark to see anything around him except that wherever he was, he was running.

"Message from the lady. We're in Southampton. Called in as backup. All of us. Nasty fighting and they needed all the wands they could get. She—_we _wanted you to know."

"Where is she?" James asked, storming out of the classroom he'd just entered, slamming it with a bang.

"Cariad!" he called.

"Here!" came her faint reply.

Sirius angled the mirror imperfectly towards Lily who was running near him, he could only make out a bit of her from the corner of the mirror, and that was joggled by Sirius running. Still, he focussed intently on what he could see.

"Lily!"

"James!" she puffed. "Didn't have time." More panting. "Before I left." Another pause for breath. "Wanted to tell you." She stopped again for air. "I love you."

"Lily!" he said, appalled. Why was she telling him this now? She usually hated saying 'I love you.' Did she do so now because she didn't expect to come back? No! He usually wanted to hear her say it, but not like this! Stupid girl for saying stupid things! "Lily wh—"

"Sirius! To your left!" Lily cried, and James saw a jet of bright purple light approach and then fly past the mirror, no doubt at whatever threatened his friend.

The connection was suddenly cut, leaving James staring stupidly at his own panicked face. No doubt Sirius had shoved the mirror into his robes so he could fight.

James punched the door in his frustration, cracking the middle knuckle. He closed his eyes tightly and put his forehead to the wood, trying to compose himself.

He figured if he had to wait until his heart stopped hammering in his chest and he was calm before going back to the meeting, they'd be there all night. So, not at all in the state of mind for the task Dumbledore assigned him, he returned to conduct the meeting. He was distracted the entire time, and couldn't write anything down because if his broken knuckle, so he designated it to sixth year Ravenclaw.

"But the Head Girl usually does it," said the boy.

"Do I bloody look like the Head Girl?" James snapped.

"N—no, sir."

"And do you see the Head Girl here?"

"No sir."

"Then get your quill out, boy!" said James, already on his last nerve.

"Yes, sir" he replied and dipped into his bag for parchment and quill.

After the meeting ended James pounded his way to the Hospital Wing. He needed the Healer to fix his hand and thought that it was as good a place as any to wait. There were always injuries after battles...

James had been left behind. Lily had gone off to fight with Remus, Peter, Sirius, Dorcus, Frank and Alice, Gideon and Fabian, Mad Eye and the rest of the Order, but he had been forced to stay in the castle like a useless lump.

It was the most frustrating experience of his life and he punched more than a few walls in his temper. Madam Pomfrey would cluck, fix it, and tell him not to do it again, even after the fourth occurrence.

He wanted to be out there fighting alongside them. He worried for his friends and for Lily. He could do nothing for them. If they were in trouble and needed help.

Hopefully they would have each others' backs.

Of course they would, he told himself, but even so, accidents happen. Or they might be too far outnumbered. If he were there he could help them. That and he'd be too busy fighting himself to fret as he was now.

Madame Pomfrey tried to make him rest but shrugged her off.

He had already removed his cloak and was unbuttoning his shirt for some air when he felt it, and a fresh wave of worry and anger washed over him.

He tore at the necklace still around him, cursing himself for not having given it back to her. It was being wasted on him. She was probably having curses thrown at her at that very moment, while he was safely tucked away in the Hospital Wing where the worst thing that could happen would be being sneezed at. She needed it. She _needed_ it and yet she didn't have it. He _knew _he shouldn't have accepted it but she'd been so concerned...

The moment she returned he was putting the Dragon's Eye back around her neck and fixing it there forever with a permanent sticking charm.

That is, _if_ she came back.

He clutched it tightly in his hand as he continued his pacing, the stone leaving deep imprints on his palm.

.

Hours passed.

One fight shouldn't take that long, should it?

_Unless none of them made it out alive._

He growled at his wholly unhelpful inner-monologue and spat to the side, not something he ever did off the Quidditch pitch, but he had to do something to lessen that sick feeling in his stomach.

.

Because he was listening for it, because his body was so taught with nervous expectation, he heard them before they entered the wing.

As his current course was leading him away from the door, he stopped suddenly and turned to face the entrance, waiting for them to appear.

Lily entered first looking perfect as could be, but for her hair being a bit wild and her chest rising rapidly from being short of breath.

Most of the boiling in his stomach quieted at the sight of her safe.

Behind her followed two unconscious levitated figures. He noticed the round form of Peter and the long lean orange haired one as Fabian. He only knew it was Fab because he wore his hair longer than his twin.

"James, get Poppy!" she said quickly. James caught a glimpse of Remus following in behind them, his wand out to support one of the wounded and looking well, before he went haring after the healer, waking her ruthlessly from sleep.

In the short time it had taken to summon Pomfrey, Lily had already laid both men out on freshly conjured cots.

"What happened?" Poppy asked, voicing the very same question pounding in the forefront of his mind, though the healer was doubtlessly more composed about it than he was.

"Peter lost a fair bit of blood before I could get to him and close the wounds. I don't know what's wrong with Fabian," she panted.

James was at her side, squeezing her hand tightly as he looked down at his unconscious friends.

A few waves of the Healer's wand reported that Peter would be fine, in time, after a few days rest and proper nourishment. Poppy took more time working on Fabian.

Lily was firmly clamped to his side, Peter would be alright, the healer had said. Remus was standing next to him, so close their arms were touching.

James froze.

"Where's Sirius?!" he shouted, panicked.

He wasn't brought in for healing but if he was well then surely he would have come with Lily and Remus to look after Peter. Unless he was...

James fumbled for his mirror, desperate to find his best friend, when Remus put a hand on his shoulder. "He's standing guard just outside," he said.

He sighed in relief, feeling slightly dizzy now that the worst of his worries were alleviated. Eager to see Sirius, James began to leave.

He felt Lily tugging at his arm. "James wait there's something—" She had stopped abruptly when he turned to face her.

"What?"

Her face softened. "Never mind. Go talk to Sirius."

James thanked her mentally for understanding he needed to be with his mate, now. Then, remembering that he still clutched the necklace in his hand, he put it around her neck. "I mean it this time. You are never to take it off." He kissed the top of her head before hurrying out to see his remaining friend with his own eyes.

Sirius was standing stiffly outside the doors to the Hospital Wing, his arms cross tightly.

"Padfoot," said James, embracing his friend quickly for reassurance before letting him go. "You alright?"

Sirius nodded curtly once. Meaning, no, he wasn't. James knew what would make him better though.

"Peter will be fine. Just a bit of rest for a few days."

Sirius breathed in deeply, then out again, reluctant to show relief, because that would show that he'd been worrying.

"Let's sit down and have a smoke," James suggested.

Sirius nodded again.

They sat side by side, leaning against the stone wall. Sirius retrieved his silver cigarette case and removed one, putting it between his lips while he searched for matches and lit it. There was only a faint trace of melon before he handed it over to James to take the first real drag.

Two people smoking that brand too near each other would cause clashing clouds of smoke, so they shared, passing it back and forth as they'd always done.

It had been a while since he'd smoked. He put it to his lips and inhaled, then let it out. James couldn't quite place the taste. Rhubarb?

After they'd both had a few turns and Sirius had relaxed a bit, James started.

"So?"

Sirius shrugged. His voice was hoarse, as if he'd spent half the night shouting. "Gideon's dead. Killing curse, so it was quick at least. We got his body, though. No one else in the Order died, though a good few of the local wizards and witches who came out to fight were killed or taken. Mad Eye's with Dumbledore now. No doubt we'll have a meeting in the morning."

James breathed out a cloud of butterscotch. "Shit." He handed the fag back to Sirius. "Who won?"

"No idea. It was an absolute mess. No idea what they were doing of if they succeeded. Don't know the body count yet of Death Eaters or of the other witches and wizards." He took a long drag and let it out just as slowly. "So who's to say who won or lost that round."

He handed it back to James who hesitated before taking it. He could have sworn that last flavour had been 'fresh air'.

_Damn._ "Damn," he said aloud, mulling over everything.

They finished the cigarette in silence and Sirius withdrew another.

It was a time before James brought himself to finally speak. "Padfoot," he began uncertainly. He didn't want to ask, but he had to. "Was... was Snape there?"

Sirius groaned, or perhaps growled as he let out a cloud of coffee flavoured smoke. "Not that I saw. And believe me, I looked," he croaked.

James could still see, hear, and veritably feel the murderous desire coming from his friend. He angrily put the cigarette out on the stone floor, though it was only half finished.

More silence followed, and James had no idea what his friend was thinking.

"Your redhead can certainly duel," said Sirius after a time.

"Yeh," James agreed softly.

More minutes passed quiescent.

The door to their right squeaked slightly as it opened, and the woman they'd just mentioned popped her red head out of the door.

She was looking at Sirius. "Did you tell him?" she asked.

"Aye," Sirius replied, not looking back.

Lily approached, crouching down in front of them.

"Fabian's regained consciousness. Poppy is seeing to him now but later..." She stopped, and exhaled sadly. "He doesn't know about Gideon, yet. Would yo—I mean... Can you?"

James wasn't sure where the emphasis was on that question. _Can_ you? Or, can _you_? He didn't know either way.

Still, he pushed himself off the cold stone floor and brushed off some of the ash from his robes.

By this time Sirius had transformed into a dog and curled up in a ball on the floor, pretending to be asleep for all this. James reached down and pat the enormous dog's head, as did Lily, before he straightened, preparing himself for what he had to do.

"She's a bonnie fighter, your witch," said a smiling Fabian, nodding to Lily when they both approached his bed.

"That she is," said James, his throat tight in expectation of the dreadful news he'd have to give in a few moments. "How are you feeling?"

"Can't feel much of anything, really. She's got numbing charms all over me so I won't feel the pain."

"It's going to be alright, Fab," said Lily, leaning over Fabian to kiss him on the forehead before leaving them alone. Only James knew that Lily hadn't been talking about a physical recovery.

Sweet mother of Merlin, how was he supposed to do this? Telling a man that his brother, his _twin_ brother, was dead wasn't something that James, nor any man, looked forward to doing, but the duty was upon him now, weighing more heavily with each passing moment.

.

James stayed with Fabian, who wept silently after the initial shock passed, until his sister arrived. Her hair was the precise shade of orange as her brothers', her belly full with child and eyes full of tears.

He left them to their privacy, thankful to get away. His eyes searched for his friends, and he found them sitting on the floor near the doors, Remus was asleep, looking very comfortable with his head pillowed on Lily's shoulder. Lily, however, was wide awake and staring at him. She extended her hand to him and he approached, taking it and seating himself down next to her, lowering his head to her other shoulder.

x

Lily, despite the horrible battle, was calm. Peter would be fine, and she had two of her boys close, sleeping, if not peacefully, at least soundly. Sirius was still doggedly remaining outside of the Hospital Wing doors, as far as she knew. She wished he were there with her too.

As if he heard her, a large black snout pushed its way through the doors and sniffed.

"Come in, Snuffles," she whispered.

The immense creature hesitated, but pushed the rest of the way in and after walking in a circle, he collapsed between her outstretched legs, keeping them both warm, his great head resting on her thigh. The canine exhaled tiredly, thumping his tail heavily against the stone floor.

"I know," she told him. She and Sirius had fought side by side the entire battle. He'd protected her once from an attack from behind and she'd shielded him several times from incoming curses. Remus and Peter had worked similarly. It was a bonding experience, if an unhappy one, and she felt closer than ever to Sirius after the evening's events.

She reached out her left hand (the one not taken by James) and scratched him behind the ears. He let out a small whine. He really was much more open about his feelings as a dog.

"I know, boy. I know," she said, continuing to pet him.

* * *

* Babbity Rabbity is not my idea at all. The Tales of Beedle the Bard is the published work of J.K. Rowling.


	74. In Which Sirius Faces his Bête Noire

I don't know what fanfiction is doing, but it seems that people can't see this chapter. So I'm trying to post it again, see if that helps.

_**Author's Note:**__ As the title implies, this is a big Sirius chapter. (Yet another monster, the longest yet, in fact.) For those die-hard James fans, sorry. We'll see more of him next time. For those die-hard Sirius fans, sorry if this chapter disappoints. Sirius… isn't exactly himself, poor bloke. I just want to hug him. Actually, I feel guilty for showing his point of view so much in this chapter, because I feel that he would hate to have so many people know his humiliation. I was as reluctant to write this chapter as Sirius was to… but you'll read about that in a bit!_

_And I continue with my plethora of apologies. Again, I'm sorry I can only seem to churn out a chapter a month or two. Real life etc blah blah blah. I wrote this chapter a paragraph or two at a time during lunch breaks, so it probably won't flow very well. Got a second job too, teaching at the university here. So I'm working 12 hour days, and after that I spend my evenings marking (slashing) essays with the red pen of doom rather than writing fanfiction. (I'm adding this parenthetical statement as I stand at the podium in front of my college students while they work on an in class assignment. Horribly unprofessional of me, I know, and yet I can't help wanting to chuckle. But remembering I have 22 essays to mark snuffs the impulse.) All in all, I advise you not to expect too much from this chapter, it's a bit of a mess, for all that it's really long._

_Plus, I promised myself I'd update my other two stories before this one. (Yes, two. You already know about To Hell in a Handbasket. The other one (which is shaping up to be more intense than EOM) is hiding somewhere on this site under a different penname, and no, you aren't being told what it is. Bwahaha. If you think you've found it, PM me and I'll tell you if you are correct.) _

Important note about the title_: Now, I don't doubt that you all know what bête-noire means in English (if you don't, look it up!), but in French it means 'black beast', which is rather fitting for a man whose animagus form resembles the Grim, I think.)_

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 74:** In which Sirius faces his _Bête-Noire _

"Sirius Black," the Dark Lord hissed. Severus tried to control himself to not show any outward sign of… well, _displeasure _was too diluted a word. At the suggestion that Black be recruited for the Death Eaters, his cousins, both by marriage and blood, spluttered in inarticulate protest. Because Black was family, Malfoy and Bellatrix didn't want to admit that he was fighting for the other side, so they prevaricated.

"No, my Lord, he is entirely unsuitable to serve you. His blood is pure, but he's selfish, and doesn't care for anything but himself, not politics or purifying our society. He's naught but a playboy and could offer you nothing."

"I understood that he was a very clever and powerful wizard."

Bellatrix, not daring to contradict, said, "Yes, my Lord but he does nothing with his gifts but pose for magazines and sport with witches, no matter what their blood."

"He could not be persuaded?"

"He's not worth persuading."

"I will be the judge of that. I think there are qualities in Black that might prove... useful," the Dark Lord said pensively, and his red eyes fell on Severus. He suppressed a shudder, knowing what his master was thinking. The Dark Lord knew very well that Sirius Black had tried to kill him during his time at Hogwarts using a werewolf that would have no doubt been put down had he succeeded. This pleased him, that kind of ruthlessness, that cunning. Severus was only a mere half-blood and Black as pure as they came, so of course the Dark Lord would see nothing wrong with that.

"Who will approach him? Not you, Bella. I think... _Carrow_, could be the one."

Amycus Carrow approached and bowed. "My Lord, I thank you for this opp—"

"Fool!" cried the Dark Lord, throwing the man back with a flick of his wrist. Amycus whizzed backwards, only stopping when he crashed into the table by the wall. "Not _you_. This is witch's work. _Alecto_..." he purred.

Demurely, she too approached, and bowed low before her master. He took a moment to inspect her. "No... you won't do," he decided. Bowing, she retreated, carefully not turning her back. Severus agreed, Alecto looked far too much like her brother to appeal to someone like Black, or any man, for that matter.

"Lucius... how does dear Narcissa do?"

Malfoy swallowed, trying very hard not to react negatively to what he knew was coming. "She's very well, my Lord."

"I would speak with her, Lucius. Bring her to me."

"Of course, my Lord. At once."

Poor Lucius, though in reality Severus felt little pity for him. The man was so protective of his pretty wife and now he would be forced to use her to try to seduce a man he despised. He couldn't do anything about it. If it's what the Dark Lord wanted, and Narcissa agreed, Lucius had no say. Severus knew that while Malfoy might strut and crow around the Ministry and everywhere else he went, his wife had him thoroughly wrapped around her little finger. Severus wasn't surprised. There was something about Narcissa Malfoy that garnered docile obedience. She certainly didn't demand it, but every man she met seemed to be willing to do her bidding.

All in all, Severus concluded, the Dark Lord had made a wise selection. However, that was no guarantee it would work.

x

James woke in the pre-dawn grey next morning with a terrible pain in his neck and back from having slept on the floor and at such an odd angle. He must not have been asleep for too long, three hours at most. A light whimper met his ears and only then did James notice the sleeping canine resting on Lily's leg. The dog's legs twitched in some response to some unhappy dream. James reached over (painfully) and shook the animal's broad shoulders.

"_Padfoot,_" he whispered. The dog rose at once, on the alert. James shook his head with a smile. _No, nothing to worry about, old friend. _"Let's go see how Wormtail's doing, eh?"

The canine pushed to his feet and started, his mouth opening broadly in a yawn, displaying an impressive set of sharp yellow teeth and a great lolling purple tongue.

Lily stirred at the commotion, rising from sleep. She had clearly been about to wish them good morning, but whatever greeting she had been about to say was quickly traded into an "oooh!" of pain. She reached up to rub her neck. "Morning," she said, much less cheerfully than usual. She grunted as she shifted, arching her back and making it pop audibly. Remus roused at that point, and made a similar display.

Sirius was perfectly fine, however, and the only one free of back and neck aches, having passed the night in his animagus form. When he returned from having transformed back into a human outside, his stride was languorous and easy.

James extended a hand to Lily, helping her to her feet, then to Remus in turn.

Madam Pomfrey was already (or perhaps _still_) awake and looking in on Peter even as they approached to do the same.

"How is he?" James asked quietly.

"Ask me yourself, you prat," said Peter with a grin. James looked down, surprised to see him awake. "Good morning! Hope you slept well," Peter greeted the rest of them.

James smiled broadly. "Wormtail, I see that curse hasn't affected your manners."

"What manners?" said Peter, offended at the implication that he had any.

"He didn't mean it, Peter," said Lily sweetly, smiling as she leaned over the cot to kiss his forehead. "And to answer your question, we slept wonderfully, thank you."

James and Remus both narrowed their eyes at her at this blatant lie, but didn't comment.

"How do you feel, mate?" James asked, this time to Peter himself.

"Corking!" he replied cheerfully. "Bed's a bit lumpy though."

"I think that's you, Wormtail," said James. All the same, Lily waved her wand, adding a cushioning charm to the thin mattress. "And we'll get you some real food when Poppy's not looking," he added in a whisper.

"Thank Merlin."

"You should thank _me_," said James.

"Will not."

"Ungrateful prat."

This easy banter was enormously relieving to everyone there. It was shallow, silly, and a bit forced, but no one wanted to rehash the events of the previous night so soon.

Lily peaked around the curtains to the neighbouring bed. "_Molly's still here_," she whispered in his ear. James nodded. He hadn't really expected her to leave. Still, James leaned over to look as well. She looked very awkward and uncomfortable, leaning over her enormous belly to rest her head on the mattress. Surely that was no position for a pregnant woman. Still, she seemed to sleep soundly enough as she clutched her remaining brother's hand.

James and Lily left for a quick run to the kitchens to fetch the promised food for Peter. "Think we should bring something for Molly as well?" asked Lily a bit uncertainly. James could understand her reticence. She wanted to be nice, but she didn't want to intrude. Neither did James. He didn't want to get involved in family grief. Yes, Gideon was a friend but there was no way he could pretend that he was mourning like Fabian and Molly were, especially since the prevailing emotion in him that morning was relief that those he cared the most about were alright.

"Poppy," James whispered to the Healer when they'd returned to the Hospital Wing. This also served as a distraction for Lily to sneak Wormtail his food. "Wondered if you could give this to Molly. It's not much, but..."

Pomfrey nodded in understanding.

"How is she?" James asked. I mean, did the news upset... anything?" He gestured toward his middle as he spoke, rounding his hands over an invisible bulging stomach.

Poppy shook her head. "No no. Pregnant witches have their own special magic that protects the child. Immensely powerful for the short time they have it. No matter the stresses of the mother, the child will be safe unless magically attacked. An emotional shock, while certainly unpleasant, isn't dangerous. You needn't worry about that."

"Oh." James hadn't known that, but wondered why the Healer had bothered telling him so much. He hadn't been _that_ worried, after all. "Well, you'll see that she gets it, along with our sympathies?"

"Yes, of course. Now get out before the students wake."

James had to grin at this return of the commanding healing matron tone. Its appearance certainly heralded the impending morning, as she'd need it to deal with the new day's onslaught of students' maladies and injuries.

James nodded his thanks and returned to his own group. "Right you lot, we're being kicked out. Poppy's orders."

"Can I come?" asked Peter through a mouth full of food he was hastily devouring before the Healer returned.

James looked down at his friend, wanting to tell him yes, but his skin was the colour of Poppy's horrible porridge. "If you can fight off Pomfrey you're more than welcome to join. I'd do it for you but I haven't any magic."

Peter looked towards Sirius. "I'd never hex a witch I wasn't related to," Padfoot said solemnly.

Wormtail's gaze fell on Remus, who shook his head. "It was a nasty curse you took last night, mate. Maybe tomorrow."

In a last resort, but without any real hope, his eyes landed on Lily.

She considered him for a moment, brows furrowing in thought.

"The witch is scheming," Sirius drawled delightedly on James' right.

"Madame Pomfrey?" Lily started before walking over to the healer. James strained his ears to hear.

"Yes, dear?"

"About Peter..."

"You want to take him?" said the healer with a resigned sigh.

"Let us keep him with us," she pleaded. "He's no better off here than in my rooms, and you know it."

Pomfrey clucked, but by Lily's grateful "Thank you, Poppy!" and the sound of a quick embrace, James judged that her attempts had been successful.

Lily reappeared looking triumphant, confirming James' supposition.

Not much scheming involved after all, just an earnest appeal.

.

Given the choice of taking a nap before the Order meeting, or going outside, the group decided on the latter, taking their breakfast with them and transfiguring for Peter a sedan chair upon which he floated easily along beside them.

The sun had only just started to rise, and in the morning light, James noticed several things he hadn't been able to take in the night before. The dried blood on Lily's hands, for example, and the similar red stain down Sirius' collar trailing down to be hidden by his waistcoat and robes. Remus' cloak had several scorch marks. Entire patches were missing where it looked as if it had been burned completely through. James noticed this when he could see the sunlight shining through the holes as they billowed out as he walked.

"This is class!" Peter exclaimed happily, once they had all settled next to a harmless willow by the lake. In the old days as students it had been one of their favourite springtime haunts. It was too cold for it now, but no one mentioned it. Peter, doing a rather impressive impression of a lounging Roman lord at his ease, snapped his fingers. "Oi, Lily. Feed me some grapes."

James' brows drew together. "You might be an invalid, Wormtail, but I will still thump you, with or without magic," he said. Then, frowning thoughtfully at the pleasing image as it occurred to him, asked, "Oi Lily, want to feed me some grapes?"

Sirius rolled his eyes at this, clearly unimpressed. "Prongs, you might be an imbecile, but I will still thump you, with _and _without magic."

Lily must have silently agreed because she didn't reply to his question, simply turned a tired smile on Sirius, who was fidgeting with his collar as he stared out across the lake.

"Oh," he heard Lily breathe softly, leaving James' side to kneel next to Sirius. "Let me see it," she said quietly.

"I suppose I need a haircut now," he remarked drily. "Avery has no style or imagination; for all that he loves slicing and cutting things. Nice botch-up." Sirius ran his fingers through his now much shorter hair on his right side, where it stopped abruptly at his chin. James hadn't noticed that before, he'd been too distracted by the blood. He should have realised, though. Had his hair been its usual length he wouldn't have been able to see the bloody collar to begin with. James tried to envisage Sirius cutting all of his hair chin length, and the resulting image reminded him of the eleven year old boy he'd first met in the Great Hall for the Sorting.

It hadn't been that short in years. He always kept it shoulder length, rather the way Lucius Malfoy wore his, only instead of platinum blonde it was jet black, not that Sirius would thank him for pointing out that similarity. James was actually surprised Sirius didn't make a bigger scene of his lost locks. He usually took such pride in his hair, now it seemed that he hardly cared. Yes, he'd made a snarky comment about it, but James could tell it was merely a token complaint; Sirius' effort to keep up the appearance of narcissism, which was its own sort of vanity.

James wondered when that change had taken place.

Tuning out Remus and Peter's discussion about how unfortunate it was that Hogwarts lake didn't host more attractive mermaids, James eavesdropped on Lily and Sirius.

"... no dittany of course, but I might be able to get rid of that one."

If she mentioned dittany, then they must be talking about scars. James tried to peek over using his peripheral vision, but Lily was in the way, blocking his view of his friend's neck.

"Ruined a perfectly good cravat," Sirius mumbled, tossing the garment aside. True enough, it was slashed and bloodied, not worth the reparo and cleaning charms.

"Hold still, dear. Here, keep this out of the way."

Sirius unbuttoned his shirt a bit and pulled the material to the side to allow better access.

"Does it tickle? I think that means it's working. That's what James said, anyway."

"More of an itching sensation to be honest."

Sirius pulled out the mirror they used to keep in contact and inspected his neck. "Not a bad job, Cariad."

"Thank you."

"Thank_ you_." Still inspecting his recently healed neck he enquired, "How's your back?"

"Sleeping against a stone wall didn't help, but I'm alright. And your quire sure that—?"

"Fine, Cariad," he whispered. "Just fine."

James frowned, realising that there was a lot about the fight he still didn't know, things they all shared that he hadn't been a part of. He crossed his arms and leaned back hard against the tree, pushing against it in a sort of temper he didn't dare take out on his friends. It wasn't their fault and they were beaten enough already.

"What's wrong, Prongs?" Remus asked, noticing his mood.

"I want my magic back," he pouted. It hadn't been so bad before. In fact, James was prepared to think of it as a challenge, to get by without it. It was almost fun, as he'd turned it into a game, but it certainly wasn't amusing now. After the previous night, he desperately wanted it back. He _needed_ it back. He couldn't let something like that happen again. He couldn't stay behind while others did the fighting.

A moment of shame passed over him, as he considered what his father would have thought of him, having been safely tucked away while others that he loved went off without him. James looked down at his duel belt, where his wand rested impotently. James not only emasculated but emagicated, if that was even a word. He didn't feel like himself anymore. Just some useless lump who sat back and let others do the work.

It didn't help that Lily was fawning all over Sirius.

James wasn't jealous; of course not. He just felt left out, that was all. Things would improve when he got his magic back.

James turned away from the others and focused on some spot far across the lake. He thought about the pile of work that waited for him on his desk in London, the pile of work that waited on his desk in the castle, the pile of work that waited for him in Lily's room; how they were to get into the Research Room at the Ministry and get that map.

He could sense her approach and put her head in his lap. He began stroking her hair out of habit.

So she hadn't forgotten about him after all. Ridiculous of him to think so, she was just tending to Sirius' injury, but he had felt neglected all the same.

"What's wrong?" she asked quietly. "You're making that face."

James had no idea what face he was making, but he wasn't surprised she could tell. "I'm just thinking about all the work I have to do."

"Alright." There was a minute of silence. "So what's _really_ the matter?"

He almost smirked. He twisted a coil of her hair around his finger. "I don't like being without magic, that's all. One feels rather useless without it."

"You aren't useless to me," she said, nuzzling her nose into a rather sensitive area. Automatically his thigh muscles tightened, as did his grip in her hair.

"Really?" he asked, making an effort to unclench.

"Really. Magic isn't everything."

James snorted. Lily sat up angrily and fixed him with a determined stare and he was reminded that she was muggleborn. To her, there was a great many things important to her that weren't at all magical. To his secret delight, she straddled him so she could look him directly in the eye and poke him in the chest. He'd made her angry.

He did his best to hide his smile. He loved it when she got angry, and even more when she did so in his lap.

"What are you suggesting, James Potter? That if things aren't magical they have no worth?"

"No, that's not what—"

James heard Remus and Peter snicker as Lily carried on.

"If I didn't have magic would I lose my worth?"

"No, but—"

"If our child were a squib would you love it less?"

"No! I just—"

"So why do you think you are useless if you don't have magic?"

He couldn't help it. He grinned madly and gripped her hips tightly, pulling her against him. She inhaled sharply, and although she maintained her severe expression, James could see her pupils dilate. He grinned even wider.

"If I can't do magic, I can't do my job, witch," he said. Usually, the designation 'witch' was offensive, but he felt he could get away with it just then. "So don't try that on me, you dirty little hypocrite. You'd go mad after one day of inactivity. I've been out a week. I haven't done anything productive for seven whole days and you, better than anyone, should know how much that... _chafes_." At this last word he rocked his hips upward, probably distracting her from his point. She rubbed back.

One of his hands reached up behind her neck and brought her forehead to his. They stayed that way, breathing hard at one another, waiting to see who would be the first to break and kiss the other. James desperately wanted to win, but was weakening. He'd just decided to hang the staring competition and go for it when Remus said, "Someone's coming. The castle doors just opened."

This bit of information, having effectively and immediately cooled his ardour, James shoved Lily off him, who was already rolling aside. She verily flew off James, rolled right over Remus and Peter and into Sirius' waiting arms in mere seconds.

"Her again. What on earth takes her out of the castle at this time of the morning?" said Sirius.

'_Her? Who her?_' James wondered. Even with his spectacles, Sirius had the better eyes, and although James squinted he couldn't tell who it was from this distance.

"Your girlfriend," said Lily wryly. "And I don't know, Sirius. Looks like she goes into the village on Sunday mornings. Remember we saw her leaving at this time... was it last Sunday or the one before?"

"What's this?" asked Remus, utterly surprised.

"Not fair. Prongs 'as two and I 'aven't got one," complained Peter. "A gentlewizard would share."

"Should I talk to her?" James asked, ignoring Peter.

"I don't know. Have you been making much progress?" Lily replied.

"_I_ have. Dunno about her..."

"Go then."

He nodded and pushed off the ground to his feet, then wiped his hands on his robes.

x

As James walked by he kissed his hand and put it to the top of her head. Carefully, Lily pointed her wand at him and cast an eavesdropping spell. It wasn't a registered charm. It had been one she'd learned from her potions text, which she'd inherited from Severus, so she did it silently, so as not to raise suspicion. Sirius wouldn't care, but Remus might get on to her for it, and worse, might even tell James.

"What on earth—" Remus began but Lily frantically hushed him. Sirius seemed to understand how the spell worked and got closer, leaning his ear to her wand. Peter, seeing what Sirius was doing, imitated him. Remus, tilting his head to his side, regarding them all doing the same silly thing, eventually came over and leaned in.

Together, they eavesdropped on James and Dippet.

"Morning, Darlene!" James called as he approached the witch at a trot. "Going into the village?"

"Oh." She was genuinely surprised to see him. "Er.. yes I am."

"Mind some company?"

She smiled shyly. "Not at all. What are you doing out here?" She looked around James' shoulders to peer at the group sitting by the lake. Sirius, Lily, Remus and Peter all looked away in different directions, Peter went so far as to whistle innocently, which earned him an elbow in the ribs from Lily.

"Oh, just out for an early morning stroll with my mates, saw you and thought I'd say hello."

"You don't mind leaving your friends?"

"I'd rather be with you," James returned charmingly, holding out his arm for her to take.

Peter made retching noises, Sirius cried indignantly, "..._the hell?_" and Lily quietened them both with a sharp, "Hush!"

"So what takes you to Hogsmeade?"

"Just apparating from there."

"Not visiting your boyfriend, I hope."

Lily had to scoff, thankful that he'd never tried such horrid lines on _her_.

"Classic Prongs," commented Peter.

"Did that line actually work when he was in school?" she asked incredulously.

"Yep," said Remus with a sigh just as Dippet giggled embarrassedly and shook her head.

"And still does, apparently," added Peter.

Lily was oddly torn. On the one hand, she wanted James to succeed, on the other, she wanted Dippet to see through the ridiculous charade, not just because she was jealous but because on some level, she wanted the older woman to have more confidence in herself, so she wouldn't be taken in by cheap flattery. It both distressed and irritated her that prats like James Potter could prey on women with low self-esteem. Prats like the _former_ James Potter, she corrected, though he did have his moments even now, she had to admit.

Unfortunately, the eavesdropping spell was distance-sensitive, so the further James and Dippet walked, the less and less they could hear. After a few crackles and pops, the spell ended completely, before they had the opportunity to hear anything of actual use.

"Damn," she swore, slapping the ground in frustration.

"What the bloody hell was all that about?" asked Sirius, pointing to the couple in the distance.

"He's doing what he does best," said Lily.

"Wot, seducing witches?" asked Peter.

She glared at him. "Nosing about and goading people into action," she said through clenched teeth.

They didn't have time for further discussion because a great silvery patronus in the shape of a phoenix appeared, stating that meeting would begin shortly in the Headmaster's office. Lily noticed that the patronus didn't continue on to alert James. Perhaps it was only for the Order members who had been involved the night before.

Peter was excluded from this, being injured as he was, and Sirius and Remus left for Dumbledore's office while Lily took Peter back to her room and made him comfortable.

"Thanks, Lil."

"No problem, Pete."

"And sorry 'bout what I said before... About Prongs."

She waved it away. "It's alright. I don't care, really." It was _mostly_ true, anyway. "I'll be back afterwards. Tell you all about it."

She went into her bathroom for a very quick shower and change of robes. True, this could have waited until after the meeting, but she was rather reluctant to rehash the previous night's events and took any opportunity to postpone the inevitable.

"Think they'll have a ceremony for Prewitt?" asked Peter, when she reappeared five minutes later.

Lily's face fell into a sad smile. "I don't know. Not a public one, certainly. I'll be sure to tell you, one way or another," she said. "If you need anything, call for Poppy."

"Will do."

"And don't leave that bed," she said in what she hoped was a passable Madame Pomfrey voice.

"What if I have to go to the toilet?" he asked. He was going for innocent but that ornery smirk gave it away.

Lily should have known he'd say something like that. Well two could play at that game. Sneering, she conjured a chamber pot and floated it down next to the bed. "For your convenience," she said, and flounced out of the room.

"Awww..." she heard him cry through the closed bedroom door. Lily shook her head. There was something about Peter that made any situation more amusing. Sure, he put his foot in his mouth sometimes, but that was part of his odd charm.

She made her way slowly up to the gargoyle that guarded the Headmaster's office and idly stuck her finger in its nostril, just to see if he'd react. He didn't. She sighed and said the password. As always, the stone creature moved aside obligingly but she thought he was glaring more fiercely than usual.

"You're just in time for the _dénouement_," Sirius whispered wryly when she entered, standing between him and Remus.

What followed was the reiteration that they needed to redouble their efforts on any missions they were currently working on, and Lily frowned at her uncompleted plans for getting that map out of the Ministry. She wouldn't go so far as to say it was _impossible_, because she knew it wasn't, but it certainly was one of the most aggravating challenges she'd ever met with. The security was so carefully kept, that she was beginning to worry that the only option would be to ambush one of them outside of the Ministry, and use the Imperius curse on him or her. And even then it would be tricky...

She was brought out of her mental perambulations by the announcement of Gideon's send off. It would be a quiet affair, held at midnight at a place called Ottery St. Catchpole. They were warned once again to be very careful about how they arrived. Non-traceable magic was better, and muggle transport was best. Lily wondered which category a flying motorbike fell under, then decided it was a tricky combination of both.

She felt like she should attend, despite the fact that she hardly knew Gideon. They were Order members, they shared the same cause, a cause for which he had died. That was reason aplenty to go. Besides, James had known him _very_ well, they had worked together for years and had both been in Gryffindor house, though the Prewitt twins had been four years ahead of him. She wanted to be by his side for this. After all, he had only been told what had happened, he hadn't see it as the rest of them had. It wasn't as real to him yet as it was to them. Besides, she didn't want to let him go anywhere without her while he was unable to do magic. They were a team, partners in the Order and in life.

"You didn't miss anything," said Sirius grumpily as they left for her rooms. "Just Moody insisting on a play by play discussion of everything that went wrong. He complimented you on your multi-angle curse deflection, though," he added, as if it were odd that Moody should compliment anyone for anything.

"We've recently practiced Belvedere's principle in D.A.D.A," Lily replied, shrugging it off as she covered her mouth to hide a yawn. "Which objects are magically reflective and which are not. It's just fresher in my mind than anyone else's I suppose. Well, apart from James, but..."

_But he hadn't been there._

"I suppose a spot of revisionwouldn't hurt," suggested Remus.

"Perhaps a bit more duelling practice," added Sirius. "Up for it, Cariad?"

"Of course, but..."

"But what?" asked Remus, his brow merging together to form a frown of concern.

"Just not now," she admitted a little weakly. "I've had enough duelling for one day."

Sirius snorted and Remus' expression lightened to a pitying smile. "Can't do it today anyway. We're busy," said Sirius.

"Are we?" she asked.

"I'm wounded, Cariad, that you could forget our date in Diagon."

Lily had indeed forgotten that she and Sirius were meant to go choose a new owl for James and fill each other in on what had been happening. She wanted to know about how the handsome man had managed to find work out of the country for DeBeaulieu and she needed to tell him about the visit from that Ministry git, Goring. Also, she had several quiet questions she wanted to ask him; things a pureblood like Sirius might know that a pureblood like James would not.

"We have to go today?" she asked meekly.

"No time like the present. Why?"

Sheepishly, she admitted, "I just don't like the idea of leaving James on his own... without magic you know."

"He'll hardly be attacked in his own office," Remus pointed out.

"Well he's not in his office, is he? He's out with Dippet, who..." She cleared her throat, stopping herself from saying that the woman was practically a squib. "Who would not be my first choice for a bodyguard."

"He'll be alright, and when he comes back Moony'll be here with him, right?"

Remus, who looked surprised, nodded anyway. "I could do, yeah. Wormtail needs someone to keep him company anyway I suppose."

"See?"

Lily felt like Sirius was trying to manoeuvre her into something, so despite her confusion and hesitance, she allowed herself to be swept away by his smooth insistence, trusting that he had a good reason.

"I'll see you later?" she said to Remus, though it was really a question. She had no idea what Sirius had planned and didn't know when they'd be back.

Remus, who looked just as befuddled as Lily, merely shrugged and ruffled his silvery brown hair, exhaling in one exhausted puff. Sirius was already leading her away by the elbow, and she had to crane her head to be able to wave bye. Weakly, he waved back, and Lily was reminded that the full moon was within the week. But perhaps that exhaustion had nothing to do at all with Remus' 'furry little problem,' as James so frequently put it.

"Are we in a hurry?" she asked as Sirius picked up speed, pushing open the large front doors. In the distance she could see Dorcus Meadowes and Dedalus Diggle, also heading for Hogsmeade to apparate away.

"_Accio_," Sirius commanded, and a broom came whizzing toward them. She recognised it as one of James', but doubted that a man who owned nine brooms would begrudge his best friend one. It was a quick flight to Hogsmeade. Lily was distracted from her question by the memory of the _last_ time she and Sirius had been on a broom together. He had been flying her _away_ from the village with great haste. She felt a very sharp pang of loneliness for Roo, and squeezed Sirius more tightly around his middle in a sort of consolation.

As she was guided into the Hogshead, she was surprised to see it was open. She shouldn't have been, it was an inn, after all. She'd just become used to thinking of it as just a dingy pub and restaurant with only one item on the unwritten menu. The room was entirely empty, even Aberforth wasn't in his usual place behind the bar. Sirius strode unswervingly to the fireplace.

"Are we in much of a hurry?" she asked again.

Sirius paused for a moment, a handful of floo powder at the ready. "I suppose if he's where I think he is, he won't be going anywhere any time soon. I'd just like to find out. Diagon Alley!"

"Oh, bother," she whispered, frustrated. If she wanted her questions _properly _answered, she'd have to follow. So, throwing in a pinch of powder, she announced her destination to the fireplace and stepped into the whirling green flames, hoping that the ministry wasn't watching that particular grate at that particular time.

Lily had travelled by floo many times before, but this particular experience left her feeling decidedly queer. She shut her eyes tightly, deciding to wait it out until the worst of it wore off.

"Easy," came a soft voice in her ear. She opened her eyes to see Sirius looking down at her almost suspiciously.

"Dizzy with fatigue, I suspect," she equivocated, swallowing hard to keep her stomach from trying to lurch into her throat. Frowning at her for another moment, Sirius hesitantly let go of her waist and studied her expectantly, as if waiting for her to fall over.

Convinced that she wasn't about to collapse into a heap, he nodded curtly and said, "Come on, then," and once again took her elbow.

"Lily luv!" a familiar voice called out. Sirius' arm tensed around her and he stepped between her and her addresser.

"It's alright, just Basil," she reassured her friend.

"Who the bloody hell is _Basil_?" he hissed, not appreciating the surprise. Clearly, Sirius was feeling a bit jumpy that morning. Unsurprising that, as they'd spent a good portion of their recent time defending themselves against incoming deadly curses.

Lily didn't answer him; instead she shoved off his protective arm and hurried toward the bar of the Leaky Cauldron, throwing herself in the waiting arms of Basil Blye.

"I thought you were ignoring me, Baz," she said cheekily. Last she heard of him was in a letter from Tom back at Christmastime. She hadn't seen her fellow redhead while she was working at the Leaky Cauldron over the holidays, but she might have done if it hadn't been cut short by Lucius Malfoy breaking in and murdering Sylvain Chevalier. At one point, long before she'd ever met James and Sirius, Lily had spent each and every holiday after her parents' deaths at the Leaky Cauldron working with Tom the proprietor, Fred Flannery, and Basil Blye. The two younger men no longer worked there, however, and had been replaced by a young woman Lily had never met. She knew her name was Rose, or Rosemary, because they'd joked that one flower deserved another.

"Because you ignored me first. Writing to Tom and not me. Haven't heard from you since October, you neglectful whore, ya."

Lily laughed openly, having missed being insulted so affectionately. "I've been busy... final year and all."

"Final year, my hole! Tom told us about those Death Eaters trying to get ya, and we read the Prophet like anyone else. You've been keeping yourself well buried in Thestral shit, sounds like t'me."

She snorted but didn't respond, being unable to deny it. She was spared even having to think of a change of topic, because just then Tom shuffled in.

"Tom," she greeted happily. Upon seeing her, Tom's face broke out into a gummy grin.

Lily's jaw dropped in horror. "Tom! What happened?" she gasped upon seeing the now toothless publican.

"_Edentate,"_ replied Basil, who had moved to her other side.

"_Edentate_? But who?" She turned back around to fix her questioning stare at Tom.

"One of You-Know-Who's lot," answered Tom. He sounded much older than he was, having to lisp, being unable to use proper diction without most his teeth.

Lily drew in a shuddering breath, bracing herself on Basil's arm for support. "It wasn't..."

"No' your fault," Tom soothed. "Happened only recen'ly. Nuffin to do wif Chevalier or anyfin."

"What happened?" she asked, chin trembling.

"Couldn' tell'em wot vey wan'ed t'know," he said with a shrug, as if it was nothing.

"_Just_ the edentate curse?" she asked, suspecting that a displeased Death Eater would do something a bit more violent.

"Well..." said Tom, looking at the floor and rubbing the back of his neck, not going to answer her.

"And... and you promise..."

"Didn't I tell ya, it 'ad nuffin ta do wif ya?" he almost shouted.

Lily nodded, believing him this time. "You should have told me," she said walking around the bar to give him a hug.

"Bah," he said reassuringly, waving it away as if nothing.

"So tell us what you've been up to, ya big eejit," prompted Basil, breaking away from the sombre conversation and bringing it back to a lighter discourse.

A throat cleared in regal displeasure from behind her, and now that she was attentive, she recognised that steady beat as the impatient tapping of Sirius' foot.

"Oh, sorry," she apologised. "This is Tom, whom I'm sure you know by reputation, and this is Basil. We used to work together here."

"Pleasure," Sirius drawled.

"Tom, Baz, this is Sirius," she said, gesturing to him proudly.

Basil's smiling face fell. "Sirius... _Black?_"

Lily's own grin wavered uncertainly. "Yes..."

Basil clenched his jaw in obvious disapproval. Sirius' expression mirrored equal displeasure.

Basil's grip on her arm tightened. "_What do you think you are doing?_" he whispered angrily. "_Black? Are you mad? He's __**dangerous**__, he is!"_

Lily frowned. "Not to me," she defended loyally, because she couldn't justly argue that Sirius _wasn't_ dangerous. If she were his enemy, she certainly wouldn't want to run into him in a dark alleyway; that was for certain. She shuddered at the imagining.

She broke away from Basil, backing up towards Sirius. "It was great seeing you both," she said, unhappy with the fresh and uncharacteristic tension. "But we have some shopping to do in the Alley. We'll catch up soon."

.

"What was that blighter whispering to you about?" Sirius asked after they'd left the inn.

"Trying to warn me off. Said you were dangerous."

Sirius chuckled, clearly pleased. "As if you needed me for that. I'm borrowing your trouble, not the other way around."

Lily wilted. "I know I'm always making things difficult for you. I'm sorry, really I am."

"No, I meant to thank you. I enjoy... what was that homely metaphor he used? Ah yes, being well buried in thestral shit. Risk is what makes life fun."

x

"You_ are_ dangerous to be around though," she told him.

"Because of my reputation?" he scoffed. Sirius remembered how that Basil bloke reacted when he heard his name, the way he'd said _Black_, with fear and disgust.

Lily chuckled. "I think _my_ reputation is a bit more precarious than yours."

His chest rumbled as he kept his laugh inside. "Then what about me do you find so dangerous?" he asked, lifting an eyebrow as he would when flirting with a witch.

"Because you somehow change my vices into virtues. I'm in danger of being morally corrupted." She grinned broadly up at him, and while her eyes twinkled jokingly, behind that was a layer of honest concern.

"I'm hardly seducing you into the dark arts."

"James doesn't like my magical experiments," she said quietly. "But you encourage me. And I let myself be encouraged because that's what I want. But it's not right, Sirius."

"You speak as if James Potter is the ultimate authority on right and wrong," said Sirius disapprovingly.

"I—" She stopped, closed her mouth and looked down at her feet, which she began to shuffle. "I suppose you are right. I do, rather."

"That's because he's your professor, and you assume that your teachers are always right." Lily flinched at this, not liking the reminder of the 'illicitness' of her relationship. "A dangerous assumption, that, and you ought to know better. Or perhaps you think of him as your moral superior, as well as your academic?"

Lily straightened immediately, puffing out her chest in indignation. "He's not my _superior_ in any way!" she argued.

"Wouldn't know that by the way you treat him," he pointed out. "You hide your work from him and his disapproval. Why? Afraid that you will get caught and act for all the world as if he'll give you a detention or 're acting like a naughty child because he'll treat you like a naughty child. You shouldn't put up with that, Cariad. You need to stand up to him and tell him what you do."

"But he might make me stop!"

"He doesn't have the authority to make you stop."

"He's my teacher."

"This isn't about homework!"

"But any teacher, Professor Sprout or Binns or McGonagall, if they found a student illegally practicing magic, they would have the authority, no, the _obligation_ to act."

"He lets you break rules all the time."

"Only when it benefits him," she said wryly. "And he's usually breaking them with me. Being out after curfew to go for a broom-ride in the middle of the night. Or to the kitchens to knick some food. I can't break rules that he approves of or he will shift into authority figure mode."

"That's when you withhold sex from him until he sees reason," he said, quite honestly too, but the redhead seemed to think it was a joke.

"That could very well backfire. What's to stop me from caving first and admitting that he's right so that he will come back to my bed? I'd be worse off than I started."

"Find the strength to resist."

"Easier said than done. You've never slept with James, have you?"

"My sexual principles may be somewhat elastic, but they do not stretch _that_ far."

She grinned. "How far _do_ they stretch?"

Knowing he shouldn't, he replied, "There's only one way for you to find that out, Cariad, and I don't think Prongs would approve."

Chuckling, she shook her head. "You're incorrigible."

Needing to discontinue that line of conversation, be brought it back to the original subject.

"We rather strayed from the point."

"Which was?" she asked.

"Which was that you shouldn't be made to feel guilty about work you believe in, simply because of someone else's opinion."

"Oh."

"Who are you hurting by researching other magicks? No one. Yet what are the rewards? Many; first and foremost being the acquisition of knowledge." He gripped her shoulders to emphasise the point. "Your curiosity is your _greatest_ asset, Cariad. Don't you trust yourself?"

Lily, looking hypnotised, nodded slowly at him. A moment later however she was shaking her head angrily.

"There you go again!" she said, pushing him away and taking a few steps back. "Making me feel like doing something bad is good!"

"Maybe it _is_ good," he said in an intense whisper. "Just because something's dangerous doesn't make it wrong," he persisted, his voice as silky as he could make it in its roughened state, stepping closer to her, closing the distance she'd put between them.

For a moment she just stared at him stubbornly, seeming to consider everything. She then started to blink rapidly and then took his arm, shaking her head. "You _are_ dangerous, Sirius Black. The most dangerous man I know."

He snorted in laughter, if a bit disappointedly. "Come along, Cariad," he said, tugging her gently in the desired direction.

"You know, the Magical Menagerie won't even be open yet," she reasoned.

"We aren't going to the Magical Menagerie. Not yet, anyway."

x

She walked alongside Sirius casually, both pleased and unnerved to have the entire lane to themselves, but she balked when she saw where he was leading her.

"Knockturn Alley?"

"Now now, Cariad, don't cavil," Sirius chided, as if a muggleborn's concern about entering the dodgiest of locales counted as quibbling. "Keep your hood up."

He didn't bother with a hood himself, and strode down the cobblestone street in full view of all its occupants. Knockturn alley, it seemed, had much more business than Diagon, and Lily suspected that rather than its patrons being early birds, were merely on their way home after a late night.

Sirius stopped. On their right was a store front, but just beside was a small, grungy set of stairs leading down to some underground establishment. Trusting that despite Sirius' love of risk-taking he wouldn't lead her _directly_ into trouble, she followed close at his heel.

It was a dark place, but oddly warm. Stank, though. Her hood blocked her peripheral vision, so all she could really see was directly in front of her, which didn't provide much of a view, other than the back of Sirius' robes. The narrow entryway widened, and still keeping her head down, she observed pallets scattered about the floor, some occupied others not. Sirius wended his way through them, seeming to know where he was heading.

"I thought so," he drawled exasperatedly, and flicking his wand he levitated an unconscious Mundungus Fletcher off the ground upon which he'd been lying in an unattractive heap. "Let's get him back to the hovel."

Lily didn't think that whatever 'The Hovel' was sounded much better than their current location. "Stay close," he told her, though she didn't need to be reminded, and steadily he transported his cataleptic friend across the room, up the stairs, out of what Lily concluded to be a dream den, and onto the street. Out in the clear light of day, Lily thought that someone would comment or protest, but apparently transporting bodies was nothing new in Knockturn Alley.

"We were paired up for a special task," he said, with a slight nod to indicate that he meant a mission for the Order. "He didn't turn up so I went it alone. He was also missing later for last night. I suspected he might here."

Lily gasped. "Sirius! You have a partner for a reason! You can't go off on your own, what if—?"

"Don't start," he said holding up a hand to stop her speech. "It went more smoothly than had he been there. I didn't need him."

"Reckless confidence will get you into trouble one day."

"Not today," he remarked. "And today is all that matters."

Lily didn't agree but dropped the subject anyway.

x

"Have you ever tried it?" she asked, not disapprovingly but curiously. She was staring at the unconscious Fletcher, sprawled ignominiously across the stained and stinking sofa in his hovel of a home. They'd taken him back to his flat, a stone's throw away from Knockturn Alley.

"Once," he replied shortly, not bothering to pretend he didn't know what she was talking about.

"And?"

Sirius shrugged. "It wasn't your typical dabbling experience. If you want to know what dreams are like, ask Dung." He gestured to the man. Not that Mundungus was in any state for answering questions.

"I'm asking you. I don't care about what happened to other people, people I neither know nor care for."

"Dung will be hurt to hear you say that, Cariad," Sirius chided, unsuccessfully trying to distract her.

"Well? What was it like?" she persisted.

Sirius turned his head slightly, his eyes sliding slyly down to her in a quick considering glance, but not truly looking at her, not giving her a chance to meet his eyes.

With a resigned sigh, which he exhaled softly so as not to let her hear it, he told her, "It wasn't a pleasant episode. It was a bad dream I took in. No, accident, mind. I knew precisely what I was getting into. It wasn't a recreational pursuit."

"Was it morbid curiosity, then, to make you want to dabble in a nightmare?" she asked, sinking into a rickety looking wooden chair, propping her chin on her hand and her elbow on her knee as she studied him. Sirius looked around for a seat but the options were too repulsive to consider. Everything stank of tobacco and alcohol, not that Sirius minded those two scents, but in this environment it only intensified the squalid atmosphere. Sirius decided to remain standing, but turned his back to her on the pretext of inspecting a withered plant that must have been dead for years. That way he wouldn't have to look at her while he admitted the truth.

"No, nothing like that, no. Dangerous, tripping on bad dreams. Some people never wake up. No, the dream was my own. I'd taken it out in a moment of weakness, but knew I'd have to take it back one day. Didn't sleep for a month. You're supposed to have your dreams, you see. If you remember them it's because you're supposed to. We naturally forget the unimportant ones."

Lily's response was a small, "_Oh_."

"Anyway, it's all over now."

"How old were you?" she asked, obviously under the impression that this had been some boyhood weakness rather than a somewhat recent event.

"Younger than I am now," he replied evasively, then added in fairness, "But certainly old enough to know better." Foolish to think he could remove the darkness as easily as that. If only it were that simple.

He chanced a look in her direction to gauge her reaction and could tell that she was itching to ask what the dream was, but she displayed her usual tact and refrained. He appreciated that. She had the ability to know just how far to press, and precisely when to stop. Granted, she could press further than most people. If it had been nearly anyone else, the conversation would have ended the moment it began.

'_Have you ever tried it?'_

'_No,'_ would have been the easy lie he would have employed to avoid the topic entirely.

"Back to Diagon, then?" she asked, pushing off her knees and standing up with false cheer. He smiled back, though less brilliantly and more sincerely.

.

"No, pretty though it is, I think a Snow white owl too ostentatious. Catch too much attention," said Sirius in response to a beautiful bird Lily was cooing lovingly over. "Something more discreet, but strong, sturdy."

A rather large owl, certainly fully grown, caught his eye. It looked hard, intelligent (even for an owl) and somewhat fierce. "What's the story behind this one?" he asked the shopkeeper. It certainly didn't look as 'fresh' as the others, perhaps a 'used' owl, returned to the menagerie for some reason.

"He's had three different masters," said the scarred man walking up to him. "Each sent him back. Doesn't make for the best 'pet' but a very good flyer."

"Hmm," Sirius mused, reaching out to stroke its feathers, which were a variety of shades of brown.

"Ooh, he's lovely. Quite the stately bird, isn't he?" Lily commented, coming up behind him. "Dragon," she said, testing the name aloud. "Rather suites, doesn't it? He looks like a Dragon the Third."

"Dragon the Third," Sirius repeated, considering. After a moment he nodded decidedly.

Decision made, they purchased the severe creature and a new cage as well, for it wouldn't do to put a new owl in a dead bird's cage. Not that James ever kept his owls in a cage. Even on the train to and from Hogwarts, his friend couldn't bear to coup up his owl for so long. He simply sent the bird ahead, saying, "Meet you there." Feeling generous, Sirius also chose a handsome perch as well, made from firm and slightly knobbly looking mahogany. He chose it because it reminded him of James' wand, though rather less pliable.

x

"Ooh..."

"What?" asked Sirius, bird cage tucked securely under his arm.

"Sorry?" Lily asked, confused, turning to face him.

"You _ooh_ed at something just now."

"Did I?" She didn't remember _ooh_ing. She'd just caught a glimpse at a lovely looking cauldron in the window of the apothecary they'd just passed by. Unconsciously she turned back to the storefront.

"You did, indeed," he confirmed. "Want to go in?" he offered, nodding toward the apothecary, seeing that it had caught her attention.

"What? Oh, no. I was just..." But Sirius was already shoving her into the shop.

The cauldron was even lovelier up close, she noticed. A decorative pattern wove around the entire rim. It was size four, so it was quite large compared to their school cauldrons. It was copper as well, and it shone softly with the light coming in from the window. Delicately, she traced the design with her finger, imagining how wonderful it would be to have enough ingredients to brew with it.

Sirius inspected it as well, flicking it at its most rounded point. It made a beautiful gonging sound that sent a shiver of pleasure down Lily's spine.

"Like it?" he asked.

She only just managed to say "No, it looked better from outside," before she accidentally admitted the truth. She _loved_ it, but she didn't want Sirius to buy her anything, which, she had realised almost too late, was what he would have done. She'd never be able to give something of equal value in return. It was a very fine cauldron, and was worth more gold then she could possibly afford. Perhaps one day in the distant future she'd have a job that would provide her with her own cauldrons, or perhaps one that paid well enough so that she could afford whatever cauldron she wished.

"No?" he said, surprised, then shrugged. "Alright then. I'd like to make one other stop, if you don't mind. I'll have you back at the castle before lunch."

She shook her head. "Take your time," she said. "I'm in no hurry."

.

Twillfit and Tattings was the name of the shop. Lily had, of course, _heard _of the place but she had never in all her years of living in the magical world, ever been there.

"I want some new dress-robes," he told her as he pulled the top half of his unevenly cut hair into a leather thong.

Lily didn't understand how a man with Sirius' wardrobe needed any more additions, she'd never seen him wear the same thing twice.

"I shan't leave you in the street, but when you come in... just try to be as unobtrusive as possible, eh?"

There was something undefined in his tone of voice that made Lily accept this directive without the usual questions. She nodded. He nodded back, and opened the door which tingled in announcement of their arrival. Sirius did _not_, as he usually did, hold the door open for her, but walked in first, letting the door start to swing closed before she reached out to stop it, and wrench it open for herself. A brusque hand movement from behind his back ordered her to stay there.

A pleasantly plump woman appeared from the back room at their arrival. Upon seeing who had entered her shop, the woman broke out into a broad toothy grin.

"Sirius Black," she purred, walking swiftly to him, her hand held out. He took it.

"Theodora," he greeted charmingly, and kissing her proffered hand. Her pleased smile faded as she noticed his neck. Lily would be the first to admit that her healing hadn't been perfect, but it hadn't been inept enough to merit the horrified expression of the witch. The scar had faded considerably, why was she so appalled?

"Sirius! What have you done to your collar?" asked the haberdasher, aghast.

"Shaving this morning," he lied easily. "Magical razor was faulty. I can't explain it, never gave me any trouble until today. Perhaps it's time I get a new one, though I had another year on the warranty."

"Charm work just isn't what it used to be," she lamented. "It's all about how to make a quick galleon, everything is sloppy and slapdash. Hard to get good quality these days."

"But you will never let me down, will you?" he asked smiling winsomely at her.

She was dazzled, as most people were; and did all she could to please him, as most people did. Lily remembered a time when people were like that with her.

With utter dispatch and disregard, Sirius' silk shirt, cravat, and collar were altogether banished to the bin, as carelessly as if they had been crumpled bits of parchment. Must be nice, to be that rich, she thought, and not even blink an eye when you simply toss out that much gold. Though Lily suspected that even if she _did_ have money, she wouldn't discard a good shirt like that. The stains could be removed and the damage repaired. It could be made to look almost as good as new, and yet he would no doubt spend a silly amount of gold replacing it.

And so Theodora clucked and cooed over the now shirtless Sirius, taking his measurements yet again, simply for the pleasure of it. All the while Lily stood in the corner, making no noise and pretending she wasn't there. This was a high class place, and she was reminded once again that Sirius Black was royalty by wizarding standards, if a bit of a rogue prince. He had been delicate in telling her not to be obtrusive. He might have simply said, 'I can't be seen with a mudblood.' Actually, Sirius would have said, muggleborn, but the point remained the same.

"What do you think about making the collar a bit higher?" Sirius suggested. From her place by the door, Lily slouched a bit. He was trying to hide that scar she hadn't been able to entirely fade.

"Oh lovely, dear. You know that's just how the Minister's undersecretary is wearing his these days."

"Oh dear. I do hope people don't think I'm copying."

"Imitation is the highest form of flattery."

"Exactly. And I only flatter witches. Certainly not poncy Shaunsey."

"Oh you're terrible. Why only last week Albert Shaunessey was praising you highly!"

"Was he indeed? Can't think why," he said, shrugging a new silky creation on over his undershirt. Madame Theodora brushed him off as she spoke.

"He said that you livened up the Minister's tea party last week. Said you were a real original thinker, and that everyone would do well to take a leaf out of your book."

"Shaunsey's got it wrong again. Truth is that I'm not an original thinker. In fact, I avoid thinking at all. Not surprising that the Ministry holds that as their ideal. I would recommend that they hire brainless fools, but they seem to already have that well in hand."

"Scandalous!" the witch cried, positively _delighted_.

She fussed and flitted about the shop, holding out different materials in various colours. It was only when he'd finally made his purchase and was making a gracious exit that the shop owner seemed to notice Lily. The redhead recognised a brief flash of disapproval before Sirius shoved the extra set of packaged robes he didn't wear out of the store into her arms. "Take it, witch," he barked commandingly, and she did as she was told, understanding immediately that Sirius was defending her against the seamstress's scrutiny by announcing her position as some kind of underling.

.

"She's a terrible gossip. Best place to get little titbits," he said once they'd left the shop, taking his things back from her. Sirius looked rather resplendent in his new black robes, lined in dark purple silk with matching cravat and handkerchief. He'd ordered just the same in royal blue as well. That was why she loved sharing Sirius' cloaks and over-robes; they were always so wonderfully soft and smooth on the inside. Silk, satin, cashmere. Still, she reflected, nothing could compare with being under James' invisibility cloak, especially when the owner himself was under it too.

Sirius didn't apologise for his treatment of her in the shop, but he didn't need to. It had been necessary and she knew he didn't mean it. Still, Lily found it difficult to get out of 'silent mudblood' mode. She suddenly felt very uncomfortable being next to a pureblood so well-known and well-born as Sirius. Though James was a pureblood she didn't feel like that when with _him_. Well, that wasn't true, she was uncomfortable, but not because he was a pureblood, but because she was his student.

She was moved to say something though, when she saw woman crossing the street, looking as if she too wished to visit Twillfit and Tattings.

"She's _beautiful_," Lily whispered, in awe of the tall and elegant woman's figure, perfect facial structure and beautiful shining hair.

She turned to ask Sirius if he saw her, but one glance told her he most certainly had.

Lily could tell this woman affected him, for the soul reason that his face was expressionless, and he was trying hard to make it so. If he'd truly been apathetic, his face would be carefree or thoughtful, perhaps with a disdainful smirk, or an arched eyebrow or his characteristic reckless grin. The fact that he gave away nothing, did in fact, give away much.

"Go into Flourish and Blotts. I'll meet you there in a bit," he said as if casually, but he didn't once take his eyes off the woman. Nor did the woman, she noticed, take her eyes off Sirius. "And keep that hood up."

Her first thought was, 'how dangerous could she be?' before she realised two things. One, that just because she was a beautiful woman didn't mean she couldn't be dangerous, and two, that that probably wasn't the reason Sirius was trying to get rid of her. Lily could think of a very good reason why a man would want to be alone with a beautiful witch like that. She certainly didn't want to intrude so she took herself off to the bookshop, which they had only just passed.

She fully intended on browsing for some supplementary Herbology texts, but the moment she entered she found herself with her nose pressed up against the display window, staring at the beautiful couple standing in the road. '_James' penchant for snooping must be rubbing off,'_ she thought.

They had just reached each other when she arrived at her vantage point.

If Lily thought his behaviour would change once he was alone with the witch, she was wrong. His face was still stony, though when she extended her hand to him, he bowed over to kiss it (or nearly kiss it, Lily couldn't tell). It was clear that they weren't lovers, as she had previously thought.

They spoke for a short time, both looking awkward, and it was clear that Sirius gave only short and guarded answers to her questions. He never once sneered though. And even though she couldn't hear the dialogue, she knew he must have been polite, because the woman didn't look offended, which often happened when people spoke to Sirius. Perhaps a touch disappointed, but not insulted.

The woman put a hand on his arm in parting, before walking on, crossing in front of Flourish and Blotts as she went. It was only then that Lily got a close look at her face and she realised who the woman reminded her of.

Sirius.

They _had_ to be related. From the _very_ little he'd said about his family, she thought there were three female relatives of about that age. She knew very well what Bellatrix looked like, so that must either be Narcissa (who'd married the Death Eater) Malfoy or Andromeda (who'd married a muggleborn) Tonks. Lily rather suspected that must be Andromeda, whom he'd never been close to but had no reason to dislike.

She was rather proud of having it worked out before he arrived, and commented, "Is everyone in your family that beautiful?"

He snorted. "There does seem to be a strong family resemblance. Not surprising, what with all the interbreeding." His face softened slightly as he looked out the window and down the street where the woman was no longer visible. "But Narcissa always was the loveliest."

She'd been wrong after all. She'd wanted it to be Andromeda because she had married a muggleborn. Looking back, it annoyed her that Sirius _hadn't_ been rude to Narcissa Malfoy. She had married a man who had tried to track Lily down and kill her over Christmas.

Lily abruptly turned around and marched to the Herbology section, leaving Sirius to stare after his cousin. His _cousin_. Cousins shouldn't have looked at each other the way Sirius and Narcissa just had, Lily fumed. Although Sirius had said himself that his family was famous for interbreeding. His mother and father had been cousins, after all.

If Sirius hadn't left his family, would Narcissa have married a fellow Black instead of a Malfoy? Would Sirius be walking down Diagon Alley and doing his shopping with his beautiful pureblood wife instead of slumming it with his plain muggle-born friend he had to hide under hoods?

"Jealous?"

Lily jumped, dropping the rather large tome of magical water plants. Growling, she bent over to pick it up, smoothing out the rumpled pages and replaced it on the shelf.

She wanted to be outraged; shout, 'What have I to be jealous about?' but instead she said, "Was there ever anything between you?"

He snorted. "Before I 'defected' they had planned for us to marry."

"I thought so," she said, this confirmation of her suspicions depressing her. He wouldn't have to tell _her _to be unobtrusive in the posh shops like Twillfit and Tattings, or hide _her_ under a hood when he took her out in public.

Lily was consternated to find herself crying... _again_. _Why_ was she so emotional? That blasted hood was coming in handy now, as it hid those treacherous tears. The looming Muggleborn Identification Mark was getting to her. Not the actual taking of the mark, but the repercussions of it. Obviously there had been a reason for passing that Act, and she feared for what it might accomplish... Every muggleborn that wasn't arrested or kicked out of wizarding society would be marked and easily targetable. Marking muggleborns, in her mind, was a milestone in this Dark Decline. If it passed, if the Ministry succeeded in tagging witches and wizards with muggle parents, then it would be an indisputable sign that Voldemort was winning. Lily found it difficult to imagine coming back from that. It would be the beginning of the end. Not for the first time, she imagined how much better life would be if she too, were pure-blood.

Grabbing several books at random, she said, "I'm ready, just let me pay for these and I'll be right out."

Ducking around him, she hurried to the till and rang the bell for service, then hastily wiped at her eyes.

No one but she and Sirius was in the shop, and there was no employee in sight. The bell tingled as Sirius exited, and someone finally came to check her out.

"Can I get those fire-wrapped, please?" she asked the bookseller. She was going to be returning by floo and she didn't want any scorch marks on her new books (whatever they might be.)

"Course, love," the man replied, his voice gruff but warm and unthreatening. His hands, though large and stumpy were gentle, quick, and clever as they went about their work. He reminded her of what Hagrid might be if he were human size.

Sirius was waiting for her when she exited the shop. She'd managed to control herself by then, and wasn't even sniffling.

If he had noticed or suspected that she'd been upset, he didn't let on. He just said, "Shall we?" and walked on ahead; stiffly, if she judged him rightly. Perhaps he wasn't too pleased either. Lily took a moment to try to think of it from his perspective, to try and be more understanding, but found it difficult. Sirius had never spoken about his family much, and she couldn't even begin to guess what his relationship with Narcissa had been like before he separated from the rest of his family.

She knew that he hadn't got on well with his mother, nor did he seem to have liked his brother much. Or at least, that's what she had gathered from his tone when he had spoke about him briefly that one time, only to say that Regulus was dead, and had been killed by a fellow Death Eater.

Actually, now that she thought about it, he hadn't actually intimated how he felt about his brother at all. Certainly there had been disapproval, but it was ridiculous to think that he hadn't had any affection whatsoever for his younger brother, despite whatever differences.

If she was going to understand at all she'd just have to ask, and she rather doubted she'd get an honest answer.

Silently, they returned to the Leaky Cauldron, Lily making sure to keep her hood up the entire time so he wouldn't have to remind her. It was like receiving a stinging hex every time she heard it. She didn't think she could take one more reminder to hide herself, like some unsightly blemish.

They passed by Tom and Basil just as quietly, though she did give them a meek, apologetic wave as she passed. She beat Sirius to the floo and hopped in, arriving at the Hogshead in a whirl of green flame and ash.

She was coughing and sputtering when she came out at the other grate, and once again felt uncomfortably dizzy.

An arm reached out to steady her, but she knew in an instant it wasn't Sirius. Couldn't have been. He hadn't had the time to come through the floo.

She looked over to see who the Samaritan was, but he or she (though she rather suspected he) was just as well-hooded as Lily.

Another whoosh from the fire caused green light to reflect softly against the floorboards at which she was staring.

"Hands off," Sirius said with imperious calm, disengaging her from... _him_?

She shook off that mad thought. Yes, she'd seen him sitting there before, but that didn't mean that was him there now.

It couldn't have been Severus. How would he even have known it was she who fell through the fire?

Yet she couldn't get away from the feeling. In fact, the more she thought about it, the more she was convinced that silent, watchful presence was indeed Severus Snape.

One thing was for certain. Sirius certainly didn't know who it was, or wands would have already been drawn and blood very likely shed.

"Come along, Cariad," he commanded brusquely.

Glancing back, she saw _him_ standing stock still, the only part of him visible was his pale hand, the pointed fingers wrapped so tightly about his wand that the knuckles stood out, white as bone.

It had to be Severus.

She quickly toyed with several ideas of how to shake off Sirius, but she couldn't see any of them working. None of the excuses she could think of would convince him to leave her alone, unattended in Hogsmeade. Especially not after how the last Hogsmeade visit turned out. He'd be afraid she'd meet a Death Eater, which strangely enough, is exactly what she wanted.

Severus had never replied to her letters and she found that she'd been disappointed. Since she visited Spinner's End she thought that perhaps something had grown between them, but she'd received nothing but cold silence since.

Except that a moment ago he had held her steady while she caught her breath. His hand on her arm had been firm, solid, no-nonsense. Not a touch of tenderness.

That was Severus all over.

Then again, perhaps she was just imagining things. Perhaps it was just wishful thinking on her part. Her mind may have been playing tricks on her.

But she'd never know unless she found out.

Making up her mind quickly, she casually placed down her parcel on a barstool as they passed. She stopped under the pretext of wanting to tie up her hair, and conveniently forgot to pick up her books when they walked on again.

At the hatch of the secret passage she exclaimed, "Oh, I left my books at the bar. Wait here and I'll dash back and get them."

Not giving him a chance to reply, she darted back inside.

The man at the booth the furthest from the door near the fire had her books spread out across the table already. One sat open in front of him as he flipped through it.

She smirked. Severus certainly hadn't wasted any time.

"I left them on purpose, you know."

"Indeed," he said, not looking up at her, or indeed, away from the page he was skimming. That calm, snarky reply and the voice in which it was given was all the answer she needed.

Obviously she couldn't stay and chat or Sirius would come back in looking for her so she summoned all the unopened books to her, resizing them quickly.

"You can keep that one if you like," she said. She knew how cruel it could be to deprive someone of their reading material, but she couldn't wait around for him to finish. Even less likely was the chance that he'd some day return it to her, so giving it to him seemed the only reasonable option and it made her happy to do it. She'd been raised in a poor family, so money was spent very carefully. As she walked away from him, she wasn't thinking of lost galleons, but how worthwhile it had been.

She dashed out of the Hogshead to rejoin Sirius by the secret passage, her horribly rotten mood banished by one word from one man. '_Indeed_.'

By all accounts, a man who was a member of a group bent on destroying muggleborns should not have improved her mood, especially since her sadness had been brought about by feelings of inferiority for being of muggle parentage, but it did all the same.

Sirius looked around quickly, making sure that no one was watching their movements before ushering her into the passage and following soon after.

She lit her wand, Sirius did the same, and they made their way back to the castle.

Ten minutes into their silent trek, Sirius enquired suddenly, "Are you cross with me?"

Lily stopped and turned to face him. "What?"

"You're angry with me," he said. This time, it wasn't a question.

"If I were angry with you, Sirius, I'd be yelling at you," she said, starting to walk again. That was true enough.

He grabbed her elbow, stopping her. "What is it then? Is it Narcissa?"

Lily looked away, ashamed of her jealousy.

"It _is_ about Narcissa," Sirius concluded correctly. "I had no control over what my parents wanted, it wasn't _my_ choice!" he said, starting to get angry. Lily could tell he was feeling defensive, otherwise he wouldn't have gone looking for a row like this.

She ran a hand down his arm to calm him, before linking arms at the elbows and pulling him along. "I know, Sirius." Seeing as he'd been honest she could stand to do the same, to assuage his fears, to assure him she didn't think less of him. "You called me on my jealousy, it ruffled me a bit."

"That's it?" He sounded uncertain.

"Sirius, I don't think any less of you, no matter what your feelings may have been or may be."

"I don't—" he began but she cut him off.

"Sirius, I _cannot_ judge you for who care about," she said pointedly. She, after all, loved a Death Eater whom he loathed. She really couldn't hold it against Sirius for having lingering tender feelings for his lovely cousin. You were _supposed_ to care about family. In fact, now that she was over her initial outrage, she found it touching that despite everything he'd gone through, there was still a tender part of his heart for at least _someone_ in his family.

"But I _don't_ care for her. She married Malfoy, for pity's sake."

Lily snorted. Where had that reaction been a quarter of an hour ago when she needed it?

Still, she didn't know if she believed him or not, but pretended to anyway. If he were ashamed of his feelings, she wasn't going to call him out, although he'd done the very same thing to her not long ago. Granted, Lily doubted Sirius knew how his statement would have affected her. He'd probably just been teasing and happened to hit a nerve. In fact, she knew that Sirius had meant to playfully ask if she were jealous that he had been paying attention to Narcissa instead of her, rather than if she were simply jealous of Narcissa and everything she had.

x

"But I _don't_ care for her. She married Malfoy, for pity's sake," he defended. It was entirely true and he hoped she believed him. He was disgusted by the very thought. Well, _that_ wasn't entirely true, his darker side admitted, which made his lighter side all the more shamed, especially for the childhood infatuation he'd had for her. But he'd been young and stupid.

Granted, Narcissa never did anything dark, like Bella or Regulus. In fact, her only fault had been in doing what her parents told her to do and marry Malfoy. Sirius didn't even know if she _liked_ Malfoy. But she had always been the perfect pureblood witch; she wouldn't have protested the match. She'd have demurely gone along with anything. She always had. That was simply her way. She didn't like to cause disturbances. She was a gentle, peaceful creature, the motherly type. Narcissa, despite being the youngest, had kept the peace between Dromeda and Bella. She exerted her calming influence over others, over him especially, as he'd been smitten. He'd done everything she ever asked of him until he got to Hogwarts and started rebelling. She'd stopped talking to him by then, no doubt because she'd been told to. In fact, her asking him to catch up over tea had been the first request she'd made of him in… how long had it been? Twelve years? Yes, this was the first thing she'd asked of him since he'd been sorted into Gryffindor. And this was the first time in his life he'd ever said no to Narcissa Black.

_Malfoy_, he corrected in his mind. She was Narcissa Malfoy, now.

Thinking about his family got him started on his memories of Regulus. He hadn't been a bad kid, really. Regulus used to follow him around, and copied his every move. He had even written to Sirius, asking him if he should go to Gryffindor too. If Sirius could go back and change one thing, it would be to have told him yes. But he hadn't. He had ignored his little brother completely, being caught up in his new life with his new friends learning that there was another, better way of life than what he'd known.

He soon fell in his brother's eyes, and at the time he couldn't have cared any less. Regulus was put in Slytherin. He apparently found other people to look up to, and had eventually joined the Death Eaters, making his parents proud, no doubt. Something _he'd_ never done.

Not that Sirius had ever wanted to, he reminded himself. Family meant nothing to him, other than his foster brothers. The Marauders were his true family. Blood didn't merit thinking about.

"Alright, but if you did, I wouldn't hold it against you. She _is_ family after all," Lily said after a time. Sirius winced inwardly at that and hastily changed the subject.

"So what did you buy from the shop, anyway?" he asked.

An uncertain expression crossed her face. She probably knew he was artlessly changing the subject but he didn't care.

"Herbology texts," she answered vaguely.

"Indeed? Why? You aren't taking Herbology."

"I am now. Independent study. Dumbledore said I can study on my own and try to take the N.E.. Herbology is really important for a Potion's Mistress."

"Just as well," he muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing." It was just as well she was more strongly pursuing potions, as Sirius rather doubted she'd be allowed in the Aurory by the time she finished school. After the muggleborn identification marks were introduced, she would likely not be hired by the ministry at all. It was good that she had this to fall back on. In fact, Sirius suspected that that had been Dumbledore's plan for training her to be Potion's Mistress in the first place. Not that he'd ever said as much to her, or even James for that matter, though he was sure his friend suspected. James would have to be a lot simpler than he looked to think that he and Lily would still be able to work in the same department together. James had to know that her blood would become an issue, a liability in their line of work. Had James mentioned it to her? Is that why she was now starting Herbology?

"Not just Herbology," she said, "but I'm also going to do Arithmancy as well. Maybe even Runes. I was really sad to give it up this year."

"Don't you ever get tired of doing it all?" he asked

She smiled broadly at him, but then after a moment she let it fall with a sigh. "I _am_ tired. I'm tired all the time. Sometimes I think I'll die from exhaustion. But I can't _not_ go on, so..."

"So you plaster on that disgusting smile and let everyone think you have an appallingly boundless energy?"

"Pretty much."

"Why?" he said, annoyed. "Head Girl, top marks, taking extra independent studies, the angel of the Hospital Wing. Why are you trying to be a saint? What are you trying to prove? That you are cleverer and more capable than anyone else?"

"What am I trying to prove?" she repeated, sounding suddenly angry. "What am I trying to prove? Of course you would ask that. You were handed everything in a silver cauldron from day one. You had a reputation, money, everything right from the start. At school you were popular, your marks were incredible, and you were given special treatment over and over again, getting away with things that no normal student would. You didn't have to prove anything, did you? Did you! You went against your family but you said yourself you did nothing to dispel the Black image, you did nothing to prove yourself, you just let your house and your friends speak for you. You were a bloody prince, and you still are! The way people fawn over you whether they like you or hate you! The Great Sirius Black doesn't have to prove himself to anybody because he doesn't bloody have to!

"But I'm a far cry from a princess, so, Yes! I _am_ trying to prove myself capable, because it's all I have left! I might not be 'good' enough for Twillfit and Tattings, and I may have to travel with my hood up so as not to shame my company. They might say I'm a poor and filthy mudblood but _no one_ will ever say that Lily Evans is stupid or incompetent!" she shouted. "NEVER!"

_Ah. _So _that's _what had been bothering her in Flourish and Blotts. He'd been wondering about that. Well, she must have been telling the truth earlier. If she was angry, she would yell. She really mustn't have been that mad before, but she was certainly spitting now. Sirius however didn't take the bait and wasn't distracted by the attack on him. He maintained his argument. "Firstly, no one among the company you keep would be ashamed of you. And secondly, bugger what anyone else says! Why you should bloody kill yourself over other people's opinions? Why try so hard to prove to a bunch of people who don't care or won't accept you anyway? It's senseless."

"Not all of us can be as confident as Sirius Black!" she spat. "You may let insults bounce off you, but I can't. It hurts and I do what I can so that I don't make myself a target for their scorn any more than I already am. I might be tired, keeping up appearances, but you can be sure that I'd be much worse off if I didn't." At this she slowed down, calming before she continued. "My marks and Head Girl duties and my hours in the Hospital Wing and dungeons are a consolation to my pride... such as it is. It's taken quite a beating," she admitted, leaning her back heavily against the passage wall behind her. "I'm doing all I can to preserve what I have left. So don't make me feel _worse_ about myself for trying to make me feel _better_ about myself. If I were honest, I'd love to give up being Head Girl and I'd let my marks slide, but I don't want to be seen as weak or incapable. I'm about to be marked as everyone's inferior, Sirius. I have to have something to stand against it. Can't you see that? Is it so bad that I'd rather be looked up to rather than looked down on?"

Yes, he understood that, now. But it still bothered him that she needed public approval to justify herself. Everyone knew she was clever; she didn't have to get straight O's in every subject to prove that. Everyone knew she was caring, she didn't have to volunteer in the hospital wing to give off that image. Everyone knew she was competent; she wouldn't be in the Order, otherwise. She didn't have to continue being Head Girl. But in her mind, she did. Because she couldn't see couldn't believe her own account of herself. She listened to the whispers of the ignorant and let it affect her. It was the same reason she allowed herself to worry about the propriety of her relationship with James. She feared what others would say. She collected titles and awards as proof of her ability. She wanted physical honours to be able to show to other people, to demonstrate her worth.

If Sirius could choose one thing he'd change about her, it would be this. She wasn't perfect, though she tried to be to make up for her own deficiencies, both real and perceived. He didn't like that she tried to be so good. She was already one of the best people he knew, but she tried too hard to prove it.

"I suppose not," he grumbled, unhappy to admit it. "I just feel like you are spreading yourself too thin for no reason." At this he grinned and lifted her chin with his knuckle. "Save your strength for the real fights, Cariad. That's where you really prove yourself."

She began to smile back, weakly at first but it grew in time. Then her eyes rested on his neck and it fell again. Unconsciously his hand went up to cover the place where he'd been hit. That slicing hex might have killed him had she not reacted immediately. Blood from his spouting neck splattered her face as it hovered in concentration above him. He had thought he would die then and her carmine smeared face would have been the last thing he saw, but he ought to have known better. She wouldn't have let that happen. He'd never fought so well in his life after that, retaliating ruthlessly against anyone who sent a hex her way.

Since that moment, Sirius felt the odd reluctance to be too far away from her. He'd been averse to admitting that, even to himself, but he knew it was true. Why else had he insisted she join him in his errand running?

After Lily had saved Remus from the silver poisoning, Sirius had mocked the werewolf's protectiveness, how he always seemed to be hovering around her. Now he understood. It wasn't a life debt, but it was a bond. A powerful one. He felt its magical pull and could only hope that it would wear off after a while. After all it had only been, what, 14 hours? In another day or so he might be comfortable being parted from her again.

All the same, he didn't like this shift in his perceptions.

He hadn't thanked her for it. She didn't seem to expect it either. Words were simply too paltry an offering. "Thank you for saving me life," had to be one of the most insufficient phrases in existence. How could mere words come close?

She began to chuckle. "If I have to save my strength for the real battles, does that mean _we_ have to stop fighting?" she asked.

Sirius chuckled too. "Honestly, I don't know what I would do with you if we couldn't argue," he said, pulling her up from against the wall and pushing her to walk again.

"I suppose we could agree with each other instead," she mused, moving behind him and jumping onto his back.

"What a horrid idea," he exclaimed, moving his arms to hook his elbows behind her knees and hitched her up more securely. Dragon the Third's cage floated easily behind them. "Think about that for a minute, Cariad. If I said something like, 'If you aren't cheating, you aren't trying hard enough,' you'd have to agree with me." Actually, there were a few naughty things that Sirius wouldn't mind suggesting and have her agree, but he thrust those thoughts aside. "I think having to agree with each other would absolutely destroy our friendship."

"Ooh, that was a good argument."

"Indeed it was. Imagine, you'd lose the feeling of accomplishment of _winning _an argument if you had to agree right off the beater's bat."

"Ew, you're right."

"See? Because of argument, you came to see the error of your ways instead of being forced to accept it from the start."

"Error of my ways! You have a lot of nerve. How would you like a discussion about the error of _your_ ways?"

"Don't forget I could drop you at any time."

"Fair enough. Still back there Dragon the Third?" she called out. Sirius gave a little jump to secure her on his back again.

There was a loud and un-amused '_hoo hoo_' in reply.

Lily hummed contentedly and rested her cheek against the back of his head, squeezing her arms around him just a bit more tightly, but not enough to choke him.

Would he have allowed her to simply crawl on his back and demand a free ride back to the castle had she not saved his life earlier that day? Perhaps. But would he have allowed it without comment, question, or complaint? Probably not. He was her doll for the moment, he knew, completely at her disposal; he could only be thankful that she was ignorant of the power she had over him just at present.

They were belting out a rather lusty rendition of the Hogwarts school song as they approached the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom nearing lunchtime. It echoed impressively in the corridor, and it was a pity there was no one around to hear it. As there were no classes on Sundays, no one needed to be in this part of the castle. They'd only managed to scandalise a couple of portraits with inappropriate lyrics the Marauders had created in their school days.

_Hogwarts Hogwarts hoggy_ _warty Hogwarts, the best place to be!_

_Twice the mischief twice the fun, no parents' eyes to see!_

_The Quidditch pitch for shagging, the tow'r for random snogs_

_There's always tail for M'raudrs to nail_

_That's why it's great to be at Hogs!_

Between giggles Lily said, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but all the Marauder songs are either about Quiddtich, ridiculing Slytherins, or witches."

Sirius shrugged, once again lifting her to a better position on his back.

"Yes well I suppose we might have been a trifle single minded at the time. Boys will be boys."

"Glad I missed it."

"Oh Cariad, you would have _hated _us, I have no doubt," he said, delighted with the mental picture. Almost certainly he was imagining the wonderful rows they'd have had.

"I liked Remus," she said defending herself.

"Puh. You would." Before she had time to determine if that had been an insult (to either her _or_ Remus) Sirius said, "One more time?"

"Absolutely. Hogwarts Hogwarts Hoggy Warty Hogwarts, the best place to be!"

Lily waved the classroom door open with wandless magic just as they finished the last line again, then proceeded to burst out laughing. Still clinging to him from her perch on his back, she pounded his own shoulder (lightly) in mirth.

"Merlin, Sirius, that was too much!" she said sputtering and wiping away tears. "Too much! Did you see Sir Cudogen's face?" She could begin to understand why Sirius enjoyed scandalising people so much. It could be quite entertaining.

"I did." He was grinning complacently as he opened the door to James' office. Lily couldn't do it, she was too busy laughing and holding on.

Sirius noticed first, but Lily soon followed, her laughter dying away immediately.

x

Seeing that James wasn't alone inside Lily slid off Sirius' back, standing slightly behind him as if hiding wanting to hide, but wanting to see all the same.

James sat at his desk, looking up at the two of them in surprise. To his right, sitting in _LILY'S CHAIR _(though the gilded inscription was hidden by a strategically draped cloak) was Darlene Dippet, who seemed to put forth only a token effort to conceal her displeasure at the interruption. Lily quickly glanced about the office and noticed the remnants of tea on his desk. Cups with dregs at the bottom, a tray of mostly eaten mini sandwiches, and a small plate of the usual assortment of biscuits. Lily noticed that James' favourite kind was already gone.

"I see you're busy," Sirius stated somewhat coldly. "We only wanted to give you your new owl." On cue, the cage floated over to be displayed. "Dragon the third, this is your new master." He tapped the cage with his wand and it sprang open. "But he's too busy to bother with you now."

Dragon the third made an ungainly attempt to get out of the cage before he finally succeeded. Lily helpfully held out her arm to him so he had a place to momentarily perch before they took him to a window. The older, larger bird's tight taloned grip was even more painful than that of Ebony's. She grimaced but made no other complaint about the pain.

"I'm sure you'd like to stretch your wings for a bit after all that time in the cage and in the shop," she said softly to the stoic owl. Dragon the third didn't reply, merely turned his head half way around his neck to fix his sharp eyes on his new master, as if asking for permission.

James seemed slightly startled by the bird's silent request but nodded. Dragon the third hooted once, but it was so low and so sharp it might have been taken for a grunt, and allowed Lily to carry him out into the classroom.

She vanished the glass of the window closest them and stuck her arm out into the freezing cold. There was a whoosh of powerful wings and the owl was off, soaring gracefully towards the forbidden forest.

Lily reflected, as she watched him gliding, flapping his wings only occasionally, that he really did resemble a dragon; old, wise, and powerful. Yes, she thought he'd suit James very well.

"Come on," Sirius grunted, taking her hand and dragging her out of the classroom. He seemed to be dragging her around a lot lately. Lily was startled to see such a strongly bitter reaction from Sirius. He hadn't even given James a chance to say anything, not even a thank you before immediately taking umbrage and storming off. Granted, she hadn't been very pleased they were still together either, but if it was helping at all, she could stomach it.

When the classroom door was closed behind them and they were alone in the corridor, Sirius burst out, "What was _she _still doing there?" Lily approved of the hearty disgust in his tone and squeezed his hand, a silent thank you for the solidarity.

"He's trying to get her to use her connections to do something about the Muggleborn Registration and Identification Act."

"You think that Dumpling Dippet is the answer? Are we really that desperate?"

"I'm afraid we are. I wouldn't allow James to openly fight for it; I don't want to make him an even bigger target."

"But you are willing to sacrifice Dippy-do."

Lily flushed and looked down. "It sounds so heartless when you put it that way," she said, feeling entirely guilty because it was so true. She just hadn't realised it before until Sirius pointed it out.

"I meant it as a compliment, Cariad," he said, grinning, and deftly kissed her hand. He was doing it again, turning her more wicked characteristics into laudable ones.

She smiled back, but her gut began slowly churning uncomfortably.

Back at her rooms, they found Peter and Remus playing chess in front of the fire.

"I thought I told you not to get out of bed," she said, shaking a finger at Peter. He smiled unrepentantly. "Did you at least get some rest?" she asked with a sigh.

"Sure. Only woke up a few minutes ago."

"Same," added Remus. True, they did look much better than they had that morning.

Just the mention of sleep made Lily yawn. Thinking she might have a lie down as well, she went into her room and flopped down on the bed.

"Mind if I use your shower?" asked Sirius, whom she hadn't even realised had followed her into the room.

"Of course. James has some things in there you can use," she told him, waving vaguely in that direction, but not lifting her head.

She fell asleep to the sound of cascading water, and woke up when it abruptly stopped. She was turning over to sleep again when Sirius poked his head out of the bathroom. She noticed he was already dry and his hair pulled back.

"Come here for a moment, would you?"

Confused but curious, Lily rose.

"What is it?" she asked, joining him.

"I can't go on with my hair looking like this," he said, taking it down and shaking it out.

"You probably could, actually. People would just think it's the next style, and chop it off just on one side, like yours."

Sirius snorted. "Even it out for me." After a moment of shocked silence he added, "Please?" as if that had been why she hadn't responded. In truth it was the fact that Sirius would give her free reign with his hair. The hair that he had been so careful about and never let her play with unless he was too tired or wounded to protest (which had only happened twice.) Now here he was, healthy and whole and giving her this glorious opportunity. Granted, Lily knew nothing about cutting hair, but she wouldn't let that stop her.

"Of course," she replied, trying not to sound to giddily eager.

With a bored flick of his wand, a towel turned into a seat for him, and a razor into intricately embellished silver scissors.

The ease with which Sirius and James did complex transfiguration never failed to secretly annoy her. She had to think long and hard about it, and she'd only admit to herself that the end result wasn't always perfect. Passable, yes. But passable wasn't good enough. Sirius didn't even have to concentrate. It simply came naturally to him, as it did likewise with James.

Lily pushed all jealous thoughts aside and stared almost greedily at the long jet locks before her. She reached her hand to it and slowly drew her fingers through. Towards the end, the silky hairs simply slipped between her fingers like water.

"Mind you that's to style, not play with," he told her with mock severity. Lily nodded and began her work.

x

Sirius groaned mentally. He was letting her cut his hair. Something was definitely wrong with him; that bond was out of control. He couldn't wait until his will was his own again. He took consolation in the hope that it wouldn't last. Remus didn't seem as bad anymore. He did still say things to her upon occasion that bordered on censorious, but that was just Remus; quick to disapprove, slow to speak. Perhaps in a few days he'd be himself again.

Until then, Sirius thought with disgust, all Lily would have to do is whistle and say "Here Snuffles!" in that sing-song voice of hers and he'd trot right after her.

"Merlin help me," he mumbled miserably.

"Sorry?" Lily asked. "I didn't catch that."

"Nothing," he assured her. She nodded and continued snipping. If she got it wrong, he could always go somewhere else and get it done properly.

"I think that's it then," Lily said beaming, running her fingers through his newly cut hair. Sirius couldn't even tell her to stop, because he knew how much she enjoyed it. Truth be known, he enjoyed it too, but that wasn't the point. All the more reason to not let it happen, actually.

He conjured another mirror so he could inspect his hair from all sides and he nodded in satisfaction. She'd done something different. It wasn't the same length all around but layered at varying lengths. It didn't look bad, he admitted, and decided to keep the style until it grew out again. If they weren't in a recession, he could simply take a potion to re-grow his hair…

But of course they were in a recession because the other side had destroyed all the greenhouses but their own and it cost top galleons to order ingredients from overseas.

Sirius suddenly realised how very tired he was and strolled into Lily's bedroom and sprawled himself across the four-poster. A moment later she flopped down on top of him.

"Ooh. Go get your own bed," he complained half-heartedly.

"This _is_ my bed," she pointed out, mot making the slightest effort to move.

"Fine," Sirius conceded, shifting so that he only took up half the bed, which was a rather difficult manoeuvre as she was still on top of him. "There," he grumbled.

The girl hummed contentedly and rolled off.

"I think we've earned a nap," she said, snuggling against him.

"I'll say we have," he agreed, slinging an arm around her and falling asleep.

x

Severus sat with _Magical Waterplants of Western Europe_ open in front of him, but he took nothing in.

Staring at the words on the page he contemplated how he could remove the memory of her without it looking suspect should the Dark Lord check inside his mind. Also, he wanted a way to remember how he'd come to have that book.

If he were a truly accomplished occlumens, he wouldn't have to get rid of the memory at all, but at his current level he knew that he could not withstand the Dark Lord's legilimency. He was getting better though, that he knew. He couldn't research this the typical way, because openly studying occlumency would arouse suspicion and doubt, and having the Dark Lord doubt you was not a pain-free experience. Severus had personally experienced that once before and was in no hurry to do it again.

He leafed through the 842 paged volume until he came to the section for _**Nymphaeaceae**_ and underlined it to act as a hint to himself. To make certain that he would notice it he placed the ribbon there to mark the page.

Severus closed the book and placed it in front of him, gently stroking the spine appreciatively, savouring the moment before he gave it up. Pulling out his wand, he shrank the text and placed it in his pocket, then he rose and went to what passed for the lavatories in the public house.

Locking himself in magically, he watched himself in the mirror as he placed his wand to his temple and withdrew the silvery recollection.

With slight reluctance, he released it into the yellow stained toilet bowl and flushed it, replacing his wand.

He watched the water swirl and disappear.

He shook his head to clear away the vapours, probably the result of another sleepless night, and reached for his trousers to do them up, but found they already were. Shrugging, he turned and washed his hands before returning to his assigned place.

.

"Want to stay for a few drinks?" Severus recognised that annoyingly whiney voice, always _always_ tinged with mocking enjoyment.

"I thought Lily told you to stay in bed," said the werewolf partly amused, partly concerned. Pettigrew sat down at the booth opposite Severus, despite the hint that they shouldn't stay.

"Can't ruddy well do that when she and Padfoot're usin' it, now can I?" argued Pettigrew.

Severus stiffened in his seat. Those three elements didn't belong together: Sirius Black, Lily Evans, and Bed.

"Merlin knows they need their rest too I suppose. He also lost a lot of blood, after all."

The smaller, stouter man's face grew solemn. "Yeh." Pettigrew was tracing the rim of his beer glass with a stubby finger, his face scrunched up in what Severus assumed to be contemplation (though it rather more looked like constipation instead. Perhaps thinking was a similar strain for him), when he came out with what was a startling statement to Severus. "I suppose if it weren't for Red, neither Padfoot nor I would be here."

"Neither would Prongs or I, come to think of it," added Lupin.

"Wot's this then? You too?"

"She erm…" Lupin's shoulders hunched as he tried to make himself smaller as he sat at the table. "I'd been… _caught_… in a silver trap. A joke, I think, courtesy of the SCDDHB." Severus could only approve of the lark at Lupin's expense. "Nearly died but she found me just in time."

"Right. Knew something was off, but didn't want to ask." Lupin nodded and Pettigrew studied his glass again before he ventured another question. "I want to ask you. Couldn't ask Padfoot or Prongs about this but…"

"But what?" the werewolf urged.

"She saved my life, but I don't feel bound by a life debt," he said embarrassedly. Severus rolled his eyes, doubly annoyed that one: Pettigrew continued to be the most frustratingly obtuse, and two: because Lily apparently cared for the fool. That's the only reason the life debt wouldn't have been invoked.

Lupin snorted. "Of course not. Wormtail, you know how life debts work."

"I know that Snape is bound to Prongs."

Both Lupin and Severus froze at the mention of this, recalling that nightmarish evening that lead to James Potter saving the Slytherin's life with a sickening swoop in the gut.

When he spoke, Lupin's voice was cold and studiously unaffected. "Yes, well, there was never any love between James and Severus."

A long silence followed in which both Gryffindors sipped at their drinks, looking anywhere but at each other, clearing their throats occasionally but never speaking afterwards.

The awkward stillness was interrupted by an all too familiar voice.

"Peter!" she cried. "You're supposed to be _resting_, not… not… _carousing!_" She stood with her hands on her hips, frowning disappointedly at the two seated men while a silent Sirius Black stood (docilely?) behind her.

"S'not carousing if it's only Moony and a few pints," Pettigrew mumbled guiltily.

"You shouldn't be drinking _at all_, much less at four o'clock in the afternoon! The amount of blood you lost you'd be drunk in no time at all."

"That explains it then," said Pettigrew, putting a hand to his forehead as if slightly dizzy.

Lily directly vanished the remaining contents of his glass and turned her glower on Lupin.

"Remus, I expected better from you." The werewolf looked shamefaced and Lily carried on. "Now I want you both back in London and _resting_. If Peter isn't in bed when we get back you'll have Sirius to answer to."

Both the werewolf and the fat fool turned to look at Black, their curious but sceptical looks clearly asking, "Really? Surely not…"

Black shrugged and looked away. "You heard her."

Pettigrew's mouth fell open and Lupin's eyes widened in surprise.

It was then that Severus noticed that Lily was also staring wide eyed and open mouthed, but not at Black.

Her startled green stare was fixed directly on himself. Clearly she had recognised him though his large hooded cloak shadowed his face.

After a brief moment she shook her head and returned her attention back to the three men around her.

"Where's Prongs, anyway?" asked Pettigrew as they waited for Lupin to finish his pint.

"Still seducing the Muggle Studies teacher, no doubt," Black drawled darkly.

All eyes went to Lily expectantly.

"It's fine!" she said, a bit too loudly to sound natural. "If she's going to help fight for muggleborn and muggle rights I'm not going to say anything. Just because she's absolutely horrid to _me _doesn't make her a bad person."

"Does in my book," growled Black under his breath.

That pretty much summed up Sirius Black in Severus' opinion: arbitrarily and implacably resentful to others. He despised all those outside his own narrow group and all ideas outside his even narrower mind. Impulsive and more hateful than any vindictive Slytherin Severus had ever met, was _the_ Sirius Black.

Severus had to grudgingly admit that if Black could be turned, he could be a prized Death Eater in Dark Lord's eyes. However, the man was so stubborn and bull headed he'd never listen to reason. Severus suspected that it would probably take much more than the lure of Narcissa to convert Sirius Black. Severus could be wrong but he hoped not. If Black joined the Death Eaters, he'd be ranked higher, and Severus would have to deal with the taunts and teasing all over again. What's more, he'd _have_ to take it, else face the pain of the Dark Lord's displeasure.

Black's voice was dead and flat as he said, "We're going for a ride in London. Won't be too long. I'll see you lads back at the flat in a bit." He placed a few silver sickles on the table before putting an arm around Lily's shoulders and turning to leave.

Severus suppressed an angry snarl as the unbidden image of ripping off the arm that Black draped around her flashed vividly in his mind.

He sat very still as the pair passed his table to use the fireplace.

"Enjoy the book?" she said quietly.

Severus assumed she was addressing Black but when he inquired, "What was that, Cariad?" she replied, "Nothing."

He concluded that she must have simply muttered something to herself.

After they disappeared into the floo Severus returned his attention back to the two seated men.

"You don't suppose," Pettigrew began hesitantly. "That Lily and Padfoot…"

"Absolutely not," Lupin said immediately with reassuring certainty.

"But—"

"No, Wormtail. She's off-limits," he said sounding tired, as if this query had been brought up and addressed several times already. "Padfoot knows that."

Severus gripped a handful of cloak fabric in his fist. If Black were to abide by the rules this time it would be a first.

"Not to mention that Prongs would thrash anyone who touched the Head Girl," added Pettigrew with a snort.

"That too," muttered the werewolf as he downed the rest of his drink. "Now no more discussion, have a bite and let's leave."

When they finally left, Severus reached into his robes and flicked open his pocket watch with a soft click. Two hours until his watch was over. He'd have a few hours break before he was back again for the evening. While Severus had witnessed something that interested him unwillingly, he doubted the Dark Lord would find it at all helpful; for all that they were Order members. Perhaps that Potter was interested in the Muggle Studies teacher was something the Dark Lord could use, but it would be no surprise that the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor, well known auror and a favourite of muggle lover Albus Dumbledore, would be attracted to a Muggle expert.

The mere idea of that subject of Muggle Studies at Hogwarts angered his master. Perhaps that, mingled with Potter's involvement with her, would be enough to the Dark Lord to take action against them both. Severus could only hope so. He wanted nothing more that to see James Potter die. Black too. If Severus were lucky, the Dark Lord would resent Black's refusal and he too would be killed.

The idea of a world without Potter and Black caused a smile to stretch his thin lips.

When he snapped the pocket watch closed and put it back in his robes, he felt a foreign object there. Frowning in confusion he withdrew something small and rectangular. A little book. No, a _shrunken _book, he noticed, and resized it. _Magical Water Plants of Western Europe__. _

Curiously he scanned it with his wand, checking it for dark magic before he opened it. It naturally fell open to the page the velvet ribbon marked.

_**Nymphaeaceae**_ was clearly underlined and his eyes crossed to the opposite picture of a water lily as her voice echoed in his memory.

'_Enjoy the book?'_

When and how had she managed to slip it into his pocket? It must have been before she came in that evening, because she already knew he had it. Growling, he determined that he must have erased or removed the memory, and could only imagine what the meeting had been like. What had they talked about? Why had she given it to him? Was he supposed to do something with it? Had there been some other meaning associated with it or had it been a random gift?

He snarled in frustration, putting both elbows in the table and clutching his hair. It was maddening in the extreme not to have his memories; not to _know_.

He quickly scanned the rest of the book, looking for another concealed message, but nothing appeared.

x _Half an hour previously in Lily's room_x

Lily didn't know how long she'd slept, but judging by the daylight still streaming in through the window, it couldn't have been too long. An hour, perhaps. Maybe two.

She rolled over and stared at the curtains above her, sighing. Feeling her stir, Sirius withdrew his arm from over her stomach and also lay on his back, resting the back of his head on his hands.

Though they both knew the other was awake, they didn't speak or move to leave.

She turned her head to look at him, studying his new high collar, donned specifically to hide the faint scar barely peeped out. She could only spot the faint line because she was searching for it. She managed to restrain herself from reaching out and touching it. Remembering the sight of him falling in that graceful arch to the ground, blood already gushing frighteningly from the gaping wound made her heart beat painfully in a phantom panic. She knew he was alright, but she could still feel that fear of losing him. In fact, she was almost reluctant to let him out of her sight for fear that she might not see him again. It had been so close. _Too_ close.

Looking back, she was glad James hadn't been there. Although she was just as eager as he was for him to get his magic back. She wondered where James was, why he hadn't come to see them. '_Probably still busy_,' she reasoned.

Lily sighed, wondering how long she had before 'The Mark' would be put into effect.

"What is it?" asked Sirius, startling her. For all that she'd been staring at him, she'd somehow forgot he was there; or else she'd been so lost in her own thoughts that all else didn't register.

"I was thinking of the Muggleborn Identification Marks," she told him quietly. "I wouldn't be so nervous if I actually knew what it _was_. If it's anything like the Dark Mark it'll be a painful magical branding, but that involves a connection between the Death Eaters and Voldemort. He can summon and hurt his followers through it…" She shuddered, and turned on her side to look him in the eyes. "Sirius, do you think the Ministry would…"

"I don't know," Sirius replied, thankfully before she could finish the question. She didn't know if she had the stomach for it. "Our noble Minister is in the pockets of his constituents, and his constituents are in the pocket of Voldemort, so…"

"It's a possibility?"

He nodded. Lily scooted closer and put her forehead to his ribs and he removed an arm from behind his head and wrapped it around her comfortingly.

"Maybe it's not a mark on the skin. Perhaps it's a garment we have to wear instead," she voiced hopefully.

"Perhaps." It was clear by his tone of voice that he didn't believe it was anything so simple.

"I've looked in the library, even the restricted section about marking people, but I only found information about magical tattoos. A few books mentioned that some magical places with extreme caste systems, or slave societies use a sort of brand to mark their slaves and keep them subservient, but it was a history text and didn't go into the details about the theoretical magical process."

She felt Sirius stiffen slightly beside her and she looked up questioningly.

He cleared his throat. "I might… that is, it's a possibility that you could find more about that topic… elsewhere."

"Where elsewhere?" she asked hopefully.

Sirius grimaced slightly. "My childhood home. The Black library is bound to have something on the subject, seeing as they revelled in being superior and subjecting others to their will."

Hope bloomed in her chest at the prospect of finally learning what she desperately wanted to know. "Could we, Sirius? Please? You're right, there has to be _something_ there. Maybe if I can learn how it works and its effects I can try to reverse it someday."

Sirius removed his arm from around her and sat up, throwing his legs over the side of the bed and stayed there, his back to her.

After a time, he said, his voice sounding strained, "Very well, Cariad. Get your cloak."

Lily could feel and hear his reluctance, but she was too eager for information that she selfishly ignored it and jumped off the bed, suddenly not tired at all. She skipped down to the sitting room, where she'd left her cloak draped over the back of an armchair.

When Sirius emerged he didn't look any better rested than he had before, and his feet seemed to drag as he crossed the room to her.

"Right then," he said, clearing his throat.

"Where are Peter and Remus?" she asked, looking about her sitting room as if they would sudden appear from behind an armchair or from under the table.

"Probably in London," Sirius said shrugging. "Couldn't expect them to stay here all day, after all."

They walked back to Hogsmeade, this time along the path the thestral drawn carriages took when transporting students to and from the village, in near silence.

x

After briefly speaking to Remus and Peter in the Hogshead, they flooed to his flat in London. Sirius had no idea if the fireplace at Grimmauld had been blocked after the old woman's death, and he didn't want to find out the hard way if it was. Besides, he wanted to take his motor bike, a symbol of defiance that none but he was alive to appreciate.

Once inside his sitting room he shrugged off his cloak, tossing it carelessly over some bit of furniture.

Seeing this, she asked, "Aren't we going?"

"A glass of wine, first," said Sirius in well concealed cowardice. Or perhaps, procrastination was the better word. He was a Gryffindor after all.

"None for me, thanks."

"And I'm a bit peckish too," he said wandering off into the kitchen to prepare a meal he had no stomach for.

"Ooh. Now that you mention it, I'm famished."

Good; that meant more time. He'd been hoping that ploy would work.

Sirius deliberated over every bite, encouraging her in idle conversation so as to prolong the meal. She told him all about the visit from Ivan Goring and how that played out. Then for a good half hour at least, Sirius listened with more interest than he'd expect of himself as she recounted tale after tale involving her and the late Rupert Ferris. It was obvious by the way she spoke how fond she'd been of the boy. Still was, as a matter of fact.

"If I didn't have you and James I don't know what I'd do," she admitted, then looked up at him almost pleadingly. "I can't lose anyone else, Sirius. I just can't."

"I can't make any guarantees, but I'll do my best not to expire," he joked, perhaps a trifle inappropriately. He noticed that even after the wine his voice was still a bit raspy. Sirius wondered if it was a temporary thing or a long term effect of having his throat sliced open and quickly, though probably imperfectly, healed.

He found he didn't care.

"It's been so lonely, going to class without him…" she reflected sadly.

"You know despite you living in the castle and all the rest, I sometimes forget you're still a student."

"_Just_ a student?" she asked, looking both horrified and betrayed.

Sirius frowned in confusion. "I said _still_ a student, Cariad. No shame in it. When you aren't in your uniform it's easy to forget, that's all."

She looked a trifle embarrassed. "Right. Sorry."

Apparently he had nearly trod on a land mine of deeply sensitive insecurity. He made a mental note not to brush too close to it again.

He gave her a reassuring smile and stood to his feet. He couldn't put it off forever. "Well, you have some research to do."

Lily pushed her finished plate in front of her, then cleaning both with a flick of her wand, sending them back to their proper places in the cupboard. Peter managed to shatter dishes every time he attempted it. Remus simply put them away without magic. It took expert wrist movements to achieve that level of accuracy, yet she did it so easily, almost carelessly, that he couldn't help but admire her technique.

"Shouldn't Remus and Peter be here by now?" she asked worriedly.

"Probably," he replied, unconcerned.

"But what if—"

Sirius didn't get to hear the dreadful scenario she'd no doubt envisioned, because right at that moment Peter and Remus walked through the front door. He heard Lily sigh in relief just as Peter began to hastily explain.

"Just decided to have lunch before coming back." His hands were in the air as if Sirius were demanding an explanation from him at wandpoint. "Didn't have nothin' more to drink, honest."

Sirius smirked and drew his cloak around him, walking out the already opened door without a word.

x

"So, plenty of rest, be sure to stay hydrated and don't over-exert yourself and—"

Remus put a large hand on her shoulder. "He'll be fine, Lily. We both will."

She blushed slightly and glanced at her feet. "Sorry. I guess I just worry about you. I don't mean to be a nuisance."

Both Peter and Remus chuckled, waving this comment away with such phrases like "Never," and "You're not a bother," but she could tell that they were merely sparing her feelings. She smiled in appreciation. "Well, I'll get out of your hair then. Where's Sirius got to?"

"Left," stated Peter laconically, pointing to the open door. Sure enough the tell-tale roar of that wonderful monstrosity of a motorbike started up.

"Oh!" She hastily kissed both men on either cheek or forehead before racing out the door. She jumped on behind Sirius, delighted to finally be underway and gave him a squeeze to let him know she was ready. The engine roared louder in response before they zoomed away.

She'd been enjoying the ride so much she actually almost forgot what they were doing, where they were going until the motorbike slowed and finally stopped.

Lily didn't need to ask which house it was; Number Twelve stood out against the other row of houses, dark and imposing. It would have looked out of place to muggles had been they able to see it.

She slid off the bike while it was still running and started up the garden path to the large front door. When she looked back she saw that Sirius didn't look at all pleased to be there. In fact, when he cut off the noisome engine he regarded the house for a moment with… trepidation?

It was so strange, seeing Sirius, who was completely at his ease no matter where he was, slump in his seat, shying away from his own house.

"I can't go in, Cariad," he admitted shamefully, his voice barely above a raspy whisper. "Peruse the library, take all the time you need, but I can't go with you."

"Sirius?" She started to return to him, was indeed reaching out to touch his shoulder but he recoiled from her. Both hands still on the handlebars, his head hung low, his hair covering his face.

"Go find you books, love. I'll be here when you return."

"I'm so sorry, Sirius. I would never have asked to come if I knew—"

"Go!" he snarled, and flung out a violent hand. She thought for one wild moment that he had been going to strike her, as she caught a flash of white gritted teeth from between fluttering strands of the black silk of his hair, but she heard the ancient door creak open and bang against the wall behind her, and knew he'd simply opened his house for her entry.

She nodded in meek acquiescence, though he couldn't have seen, and left him there in his obvious misery. Lily felt utterly guilty, but it seemed pointless to have come all this way and put him through this discomfort for nothing. So she entered number twelve Grimmauld Place alone.

x

Sirius sat on his bike, disappointed with himself for being so weak. He'd come all this way only to balk at the last minute.

Just as he'd resigned himself to thinking he'd never be strong enough to go back inside, he found the will, suddenly and frighteningly.

Lily's piercing shrieks reached him through the open door and he realised with panicked horror his dreadful mistake. His possibly fatal mistake…

"Fuck!" he breathed, swinging his leg over the seat and jumping off the bike, berating himself for his stupidity as he hurried inside. Letting a muggleborn enter the House of Black? Of all the idiotic ideas. Was he _trying_ to kill her?

No, but his house certainly was by the sound of things… but so long as she was screaming, at least he knew she was still alive.

It made locating her a simple matter. He found her immediately, writhing on the floor in apparent agony.

"_Fuck_," he whispered to himself. "FUCK!" he shouted again, quickly casting spell after spell, everything he could think of, to remove whatever dark curse was on her.

As she shrieked in pain, her hands fluttered desperately at her neck then clapped down to her breast, then her belly, her ribs, then her back arched as she screamed again before she clutched at her opposite shoulder. "Make it sto-ho-hop!" she sobbed pleadingly.

Damn it all, he was _trying_, but nothing in his extensive knowledge of dark magic and its reversal was doing any good.

"That's enough!" he finally bellowed, having thought of something. "As master of this house I command you to stop!"

Almost at once, Lily stopped writhing, and a fire sprite jumped out from under her robes and danced impishly in triumph. Sirius had to fire a few blasts at it before he hit his target and the creature fell dead to the carpet with a soft thump.

Sirius was quickly on his knees beside her. "Cariad," he said, trying to lift her into a sitting position and gently tapping her cheek with two fingers. "_What have I done to you, poor girl…_" he said, carefully not touching her anywhere the damned creature may have scorched.

Her eyes, which had been clenched tightly, now relaxed and fluttered open.

"Cariad?" he asked uncertainly.

"Fine," she wheezed, and closed her eyes again, intent on catching her breath.

She was still twitching and shivering as if she were cold, but he knew that despite the frosty February weather and the draughty old house, she wasn't chilled at all.

They stayed there, a silent huddle on the floor for several minutes.

"What _was_ that?" she inquired weakly. "I… I checked the door for curses. James says always _always_ check doorways and I did. What… what did I miss? What did I do wrong?" she asked almost desperately, though no longer in shock, clearly shaken and upset.

She wasn't the only one.

"You did nothing wrong, Cariad. It was a damned dryember."

"Stupid," she berated herself in a hiss, pushing herself off him to sit up. "Haven't even thought of igniads since third year. Ouch!" She must have moved in some way that irritated the burns. "I _thought_ it felt like fire."

He grunted. "Because it was." Fire sprites could kill, given enough time. He eyed the tiny corpse disdainfully before turning his gaze back to her. "Where'd it get you?" he asked quietly.

"Everywhere," she replied, equally softly. "Well no, not my legs."

"Come on, let's try to fix you up." He stood first and then helped her to her feet. He looked toward the kitchen, the sitting room, down the hall, back around to the study, and to the library, before finally deciding on the one place Sirius thought could be the least likely to be harmful to her. His old bedroom.

They ascended to old squeaky staircase to the second floor, coming to a stop in front of a door whose silver placard had been twisted and bent so badly it no longer showed his name. With a silent gesture, he bade her stay there and let him enter first. For all he knew his parents might have hexed the hell out of it just for spite, or changed it entirely, removing every shred of evidence that he'd ever been there, or ever existed.

"Stand back," he said, placing himself between her and the door, and cautiously opened it.

Everything was…

Exactly the same. Almost in wonder, he stepped further inside and slowly turned on the spot, taking it all in. It all seemed so small somehow, though he'd been 16 when he'd left, far from a child. Sirius drew his finger across the dressing table, collecting dust on his digit and making a thin streak of shining dark wood. He looked in the mirror, which was angled to his chest and neck. No doubt the last time he'd looked into it, it'd been the perfect alignment to see his face.

There were no important personal things left around, he'd taken everything with him when he'd moved out to live with the Potters. Posters, wall decorations, photographs, everything had gone in his school trunk. All that was left were odd things he didn't want to remember.

He flushed not a single doxy when he pulled back the window curtains, merely unleashed a cloud of dust that soon settled around the room, making it look as still as before. The overcast day let in a dim and gloomy light through the grimy window glass.

Cautiously, he flicked his wand toward the wardrobe, opening it in expectation of something dark and nasty to come bursting out.

Nothing did but a few dizzy looking moths. He watched them swerve and flutter away.

They hadn't even changed his bedclothes back from scarlet to the customary black and gray. It was still red, though covered with a layer of dust. He reached down, rubbing his hand lightly over it in disbelief. After all those years…

Nothing.

He felt absolutely nothing as he inspected his room. He breathed a sigh of relief knowing that his irrational but persistent fear that all his worst habits would come to the fore and he'd mutate into the pureblood monster his parents wanted him to be the moment he walked into his old family home. Though his calm was only transient, he knew. He'd felt easier in his own room than he did in the rest of the house and the fear and discomfort would creep back up along his spine and into his bones when he left the safety of his childhood refuge.

He looked to the doorway that led to the rest of the house, startled to see Lily there. He'd been so caught up, he'd forgotten about her.

Quickly, he scourgified the bed before turning back to her, taking both her hands and gently leading her in, as if it were some wonderful surprise he'd prepared for her, rather than a shameful secret to reveal.

"This… this was your room?" she asked, eyes constantly moving as she took it all in.

"Yes. It was," he said, letting go of one of her hands and looking up and around as well, still not believing he was actually there.

Lily sank onto the bed as Sirius had meant to invite her to do, and began to take off her cloak with great care. She'd occasionally hiss when the fabric rubbed against her skin painfully.

"I haven't any burn paste," he told her.

"No one does. It's alright, I know a cooling charm that will do for now."

"Need any help?" he offered.

"No. Well yes. Maybe with my back. Turn around."

He did, going to the window to look out, assiduously studying his motorbike below on the street as she removed her clothes. She must have been casting silently, because the next thing he heard from her was, "Alright, just _infriare_ anything that's red."

She was face down on the bed, her arms folded at her sides so that her hands (clenched into fists from either cold or pain) were at her chin. Her head was turned away from him but he did his best not to read into it.

He let his eyes travel over her for a moment. There was a delicate streak athwart her back, where the sprite had danced across it. Starting at her hand, it coiled up her arm like a dark pink ribbon, wrapping around her body in a playful pattern. It would have looked almost decorative if one didn't know that it stung with burning pain.

He sat down and silently went about his work. Like a painter, he drew his wand back and forth over her striped skin. She would twitch a bit each time the cooling spell hit her, but she didn't voice a word of complaint.

'If the other Marauders ever found out about this…' Sirius thought. If James especially ever learned what he'd let happen to Lily…

Finished, Sirius pushed the heels of his hands into his eyes, which he'd screwed tightly shut with shame. She saved his life and this is how he repaid her?

James was bound to notice as well. It was inevitable. Those burns would take a while to go away without the aid of a burn paste, though thankfully cooling charms would lessen the pain.

'Sirius, old boy, you've really hashed things up this time,' he told himself, his hands travelling up his face and into his hair.

At the floor beside his feet, he noticed her discarded clothes; the cloak on the bottom, a white blouse tossed on top of that, singed and smelling burnt, and then her bra, one cup charred to black. One flambéed brassiere was worth keeping what was under it un-burnt, thought Sirius.

Needing something to do, he rose to his feet. "I'll find you something to put on," he said. Realising that this meant he'd actually have to leave the room and actually search for something, he hesitantly headed for the door. "If you need anything just…"

_Yell?_

Sirius wanted to slap himself. '_She's already done plenty of that already.'_

Not finishing the thought aloud, he fled the room.

Perhaps he'd closed the door a little more loudly than he intended, because the silence that followed that _bang_ was engulfing. He took a step. The clack of his shoe on the wood and the squeak of the floorboard made him both cringe and relax. Another step and he'd made it to the carpet, which muffled his footfall. Another step and another.

Before he realised it, he was standing in front of his mother's room.

Well, it was the logical place to go, she had been the only woman of the house and therefore the only one likely to have something suitable for woman to wear. So, wand clutched tightly in his fist, he pushed the door open, waiting.

Once again he was greeted by nothing but stillness. He lit the tip of his wand and forewent any exploration of the place. He wanted out of there as soon as possible.

There were no moths in his mother's wardrobe, too soon for that, he suspected. He rifled through her gowns, fighting every moment the urge to withdraw his hands and slam the doors shut, as if safely trapping a monster that lurked within, but he forced himself to continue. His fingers found silk and he immediately pulled it out, thinking it would chafe the least over her burns. It was an off-white under-robe blouse, rather longer than those of the Hogwarts uniform, but it would do. A large cursive embroidered _B_ was monogrammed on the front right side.

He began to wonder about size before he realised that his mother, for all that she'd had an overwhelming personality making others feel small, hadn't in reality been a large woman. In fact, looking at the garment in his hand, he doubted there was much different in their sizes. Strange, he'd never thought of that before. He must have been taller than his mother at the age of sixteen, certainly, but he had never felt like it.

He knocked at his own bedroom door and waited until she gave him permission to enter before doing so. She hadn't changed positions at all, save to turn her face the other direction, probably so she wouldn't have to look at him when he walked through the door. He tossed the shirt onto the bed beside her as he fought for words.

"Cariad I—" He stopped. "You're crying." It was half a question, though he knew it was true from the sounds she was making and the shaking of those bare burnt shoulders. The question bit really should have been '_why_ are you crying' but Sirius had his suspicions.

"I… I _hate_ being muggleborn," she admitted shakily, as if she had to push the words through gaps her quiet sobs provided, so the words came out at odd times. . "James says I should be—" She hiccoughed. "Be proud of who I am but… but I _can't._"

"Shh…" He sat down on the bed and put a hand on the back of her head, the only place he could stroke without hurting her.

This was his fault, but at least she didn't seem to be angry with him directly, as he'd feared.

"I bet I'm the only person you've ever brought over that your house rejected," she said pitifully.

"You're the only person I've ever brought over, full stop," he confessed.

She froze, then slowly she turned her face toward him. The tears in her eyes and the whites gone pink made them greener, somehow, if that was even possible.

"Really?"

He nodded. "Truly."

She considered him, blinking at him steadily, pushing out two remaining tears in the process but producing no others. They trickled sideways down her cheek and made a small dark wet spot on the coverlet. He withdrew his hand, looking down at it for lack of anything better to do.

"Thank you," she said, "for the shirt."

He smirked slightly, but his heart wasn't in it. "Put it on then, Cariad."

As his knees were already pointed away and he'd been twisting in the first place to face her, he simply pivoted the rest of his body to face the wardrobe. He was still surprised that nothing had happened to _him_. He'd thought his family would hex the house so he'd never be able to return. Was it possible they didn't hate him as much as they'd claimed?

He snorted to himself. More than likely was that he'd simply outlived the rest of them, and as the true owner of Grimmauld Place it couldn't attack him, despite his family's wishes.

He didn't know which thought disturbed him more.

"It feels nice," she hummed.

"I'd say keep it, but you wouldn't want my mother's old thing."

"Sirius, when you've grown up as poor as I have, you get used to hand-me-downs. Beggars can't be choosers. You won't hear a word of complaint from me."

He'd sooner _buy_ her a silk shirt than have Lily wear Walburga Black's clothes.

The bed dipped, and he could tell she was crawling towards him, so it was no surprise when he felt her lean her head against his back.

"You know," said Sirius conversationally, breaking the silence. "I once knew a _Rees_ Evans. Any relation?"

Lily snorted. "It's not like the magical world, Sirius. Evans is the fourth most common Welsh surname. Everyone in Wales knows an Evans or three."

"What's the first, second and third most common name, then?"

"I dunno. Jones, probably. Or Williams. Davies, Thomas." She shrugged. "Roberts, Hughes…"

"Those are all first names."

"That's how they did it. Take the first name of the father and add an S. Simple system."

"Your father's name isn't Evan."

"No, the practice died out. Now, if we were in the 17th century, I'd be Lily Williams. My father would be Gwilym Edwards. His father would be Edward Hughes and so on."

"So who was the original Evan?"

"No idea. So what about your family then? I admit I'm a bit curious…"

He'd just let his house attack her, and she'd saved his life the night before. The only way he could begin to pay her back, to make it up to her, was with the truth. He could give her that much, about this, at any rate. Perhaps if she listened to how ridiculous pureblood customs were she wouldn't regret being born from a muggle family.

"The House of Black," he began with mock drama. "_Crème de la crème_ of pureblood wizarding society. _Toujours Pur, _and all that." He scoffed. "Which doesn't even rhyme in proper French. You can tell some condescending Englishman made it up to sound cultured… and rather missed the mark."

"Was your family French originally? Black doesn't sound very French."

"Not at all, actually. Well, at least not for the last 15 or so generations, which is as far back as I know. There's a pedigree in here that goes back farther. I only know what's on that blasted tapestry." He winced both at remembering that old tapestry and also at the horrible pun, as certain family members had been 'blasted' off its boughs. "I'll show you the stupid thing if you want when we go down."

"So why the French family motto?"

"Haven't you noticed?"

"Noticed what?"

"How Frenchified the upper echelons of pureblood society is?"

"No, missed that," she said, a bit bitterly if his ears didn't deceive him. "I must not have been paying attention during all those times they've invited me to tea."

"Well, I can tell you, many, if not most, "English" pureblood families are of French origin. Gasche is really Gaché, Malfoy was Malfoi, Rosier when pronounced properly is ROSE-EE-AY, the Lestrange, obviously are the Létrange…"

"Why?" she interrupted what Sirius realised would have turned into a very long list indeed.

"Because, if you can believe this, it was the purebloods who were persecuted by the rest of magical society, in France, in any case. French witches and wizards decided to off the upper class, so many French purebloods came here, where we have no problem with them. We English rather like our class distinction."

"I know," she said drily. Sirius shrugged.

"Hence the strong French influence on English pureblood society. This was also the time the Statute of Secrecy was passed, and why. In fact, you might notice that the families with no French ties are considered 'lesser' but mostly I figure that's because they don't hold the same supremacist beliefs. Notice, the Weasleys, the Prewitts, the Longbottoms, the Potters….. thoroughly English and, you may note, on the same side for the war. Gasche, Malfoy, l'Estrange and _deBeaulieu…_" he said, eyeing her pointedly. "Well. Pretty clear cut. The Blacks were all too eager to believe that we were superior and chose which side they belonged to so we decided to become French."

"Do you speak French, Sirius?"

"Not if I can help it," he grumbled, though he had negotiated deBeaulieu's Belgian contract easily enough. But he hadn't told her about that. He was ashamed of it because it reflected his upbringing. Intimidating intelligence and irresistible good looks he could flaunt; bilingualism he could not.

"Hmm… you said something about a tapestry?"

"Downstairs. Are you ready?"

She moved out from behind him and slid off the bed. Standing in front of him she held out her hand. "If the master of the house will protect me."

He snorted and rose. "Call me that again and I'll light you on fire myself," he said, kissing her atop her head.

They trod down the stairs together and Sirius led her to the family tapestry. He stepped back and let her examine it for a minute.

"Oh! There's another Sirius!" she said excitedly, pointing to his great grandfather. "And another! Oh, but he didn't seem to live very long," she said sadly.

"I suspect he was a squib," said Sirius. "And that little Sirius was done away with before he failed to get his letter from Hogwarts, so they could avoid the scandal of having a non-magical in the family. It would reflect badly on the blood, you see."

"_Oh._" Her brow creased in a sad frown, but after a moment it was more furious than anything else. ""How could they kill their own child, simply because it wasn't magical! That's… that's barbaric!"

"That's Black, for you."

"Didn't they love him at all?"

Sirius shrugged. He'd never experienced much of it when he was a child. If he'd turned out a squib his parents probably would have done the same. "It was common enough practice back in the day." A bit further back than young Sirius' death but Black's were old fashioned, even by wizarding standards.

As if she had read his mind she muttered, "Not only then."

"What?"

"I know a—_knew _a boy who was killed by his pureblood parents for not living up to their expectations."

"What did he do?" he asked, interested. He wondered if he knew the lad.

"Tried to save a mudblood's life."

"Language, Cariad."

She continued as if he hadn't even spoken. "He decided he couldn't be a Death Eater and tried to save her life instead of end it, like he was supposed to."

"Did he succeed, at least?" he asked. "I'd hate to think it was all in vain."

She fixed him with a cold but sad stare. "Do I look dead to you?"

Sirius blinked. He hadn't realised she had been talking about herself, but now that she mentioned it, he recalled the whole murder attempt in Hogsmeade, the boy's arrest, and her subsequent visit to Azkaban. He had been waiting for her to show up on the Astronomy tower that night, but she never did. It wasn't until he spoke to James via mirror that he'd learned what had happened.

She turned back to the tapestry, stiffly crossing her arms as if it had offended her. Her bad mood didn't last because after a moment her silence shifted from huffy to reverent. Yes, Sirius was wondering when she'd spot that.

"_Dorea and Charlus Potter,_" she said softly, gently putting her fingers on the names, before reaching up to her hair to touch the comb that held it up.

"I told you Prongs was my uncle."

"Actually you said he was your brother," she said, looking up at him with a smile before turning back to the tapestry. "You're related to Crouch? Ooh, and the Longbottoms!"

"Yes, I suppose we aren't all bad apples," he said.

"No, indeed," she said softly, stroking the burn mark where his name had once been. A shiver went through him. "You're… the only one left who can carry on the name," she said almost in awe.

He grunted.

"It's your chance to redeem your family name."

"It's my chance to end it once and for all!" he spat angrily. "It's an opportunity too good to pass up. This," he said, pointing to himself, "Is the end of the line. No more." He was certain that the end of the Blacks would be a very good thing for the world, and nothing she could say could convince him otherwise.

"But that means you'll never marry."

"Worked that out, have you?" he said harshly. It failed to rouse her.

"You'll never have a family, children…"

He barked in bitter laughter. "Me? A family man? Honestly Cariad, can you see me with a mewling, squalling perpetual pain in my side?"

This time she did looked hurt but she didn't say anything about it. It was only then he remembered a long time ago he'd been surprised to hear that she thought he _would _make a good father. It was all nonsense, of course, but still, he hadn't meant to shout in her face like that. He needed to get control of himself. Being in this house was doing things to him. He hadn't felt this out of sorts since he'd put on and then taken off the necklace that removes all feeling, that Lily had given him. He could still recall that rush of almost blinding feeling. Pure emotion crashing into his body, conflicting and fighting as they resettled into where they ought to be in his mind, raving quite madly until he could get his fears, worries, and darker impulses safely tucked away in the back vault of his mind…

"Sorry, Cariad. I'm…" He cleared his throat. "I'm not myself, today." An understatement, if ever there was one. He began lecturing in hopes of calming things. "As you can see, when it comes to marriage, pureblood society has no qualms with _consanguinity_." He drawled out the last word with sneering emphasis as he indicated his own parents on the family tree.

"It used to be normal in muggle culture as well, once upon a time. Still is accepted in some parts of the world," she pointed out. He could tell she was trying just as hard as he was to ignore the previous unpleasantness so he pressed on.

"Well there's more to the pureblood lifestyle than marrying your cousins," he said, his lip twitching in a hateful sneer. He remembered seeing Narcissa earlier that day and wanted to spit in disgust at himself and his whole family. "Which is why I left. Actually they kicked me out, but I made no complaint. The story that the family circulated was that I'd run away. That kept things tidier and maintained their respectability. Saying that I'd renounced pureblood supremacy was... well... it's not the sort of story one told at table. It reflected badly on them, you see. A spot of teenage rebellion, however, well, that was easily understood. Turned out to serve me well in the end, as now the other purebloods don't shun me, as they may well have done had the truth been made public."

"James said you'd run away, not that you were kicked out."

"And he'll keep thinking it. You can keep a secret, can't you?" he joked. If Lily Evans couldn't keep a secret, he'd have been in big trouble long before this.

She laughed. "Mum's the word."

"Trite expression," he said with mock disapproval. "I've never liked it."

"So why did they?"

"I think it started when McGonagall sent a letter home. Just the usual thing about career guidance, you know the sort."

"No, actually, I don't."

"Oh. Right, of course you wouldn't. Well that's the sort of thing they write to your parents about, advising them on what classes their child should take the following year to achieve their professional goals."

"Go on."

"Well, I'd wanted to be an auror, you know. That didn't sit right with them at all. Mother saw it as working against pureblood aims. Thought I'd spend my days hunting down people who hunted down muggles, which of course I would have been, if I'd had any say. Didn't get the job, after all, though. I always wondered if that pleased the bitch." He realised he'd been speaking more to himself with that last line or two, and shook his head and started again, determined not to mumble. "You'll see that this spot has been blasted as well. Good old Uncle Alphard." Sirius flipped open his pocket watch and clicked it shut again, as was his habit when he thought about the wizard who'd given it to him. "Remembered me in his will."

"I imagine to be 'remembered' by a Black would be highly profitable."

He barked in laughter. "I live comfortably enough, true. Good old Alphard. Mad as the rest of them but a good man, really."

"Mad?"

"Oh yes, mostly all the Blacks are mad."

"Lucky you escaped it."

He quirked an earnest eyebrow. "Did I?"

_He _certainly didn't think so. Granted, he was better off than Bella, but he didn't escape from the Black house unscathed.

Her grin slipped, and he could tell she was considering. "Well, maybe a bit," she conceded. "But a good man, really," she quoted. He barked again and rumpled her hair. "I mean," she continued awkwardly. "We all have our curses."

His laughter abruptly stopped and he couldn't help but stare slightly at her chest where the necklace lay, the steal and ruby _parure_ that had nearly killed her in the Black lake, and even after tried to lure her to her death.

"That's not what I meant. You know I'm not cursed anymore," she said, fondling the gem in a typical nervous habit.

"Are you certain?" he pressed. James had said she wasn't, but had seemed unsure of it himself when he'd reported the news.

"As certain as I can be about this sort of thing."

Sirius hesitated, unsure whether or not he wanted to ask this next question. Curiosity won out in the end and he said, "So... you no longer feel like your purpose in life is to die?"

Her head whipped around as she fixed him with the most startled and yet furious glare, as if he'd unforgivably invaded her privacy.

"How did you know about that?" she snapped, though her voice quavered at the very end. Beneath the anger, she was afraid.

Sirius made sure that his voice was placating, as if he were speaking to a recently insulted Hippogryff or an overwrought child. "You told me, first time I ever met you. Up on the Astronomy Tower, remember?"

Her eyes darted back and forth, though it was clear that she took in nothing of the here and now, but was reviewing moments long past. After a moment she calmed and sighed.

"Oh. I forgot about that. Seems ages ago."

"Aye, it does." He cleared his throat. "You still didn't answer the question."

"I know and… I don't know."

That seemed to be as much answer as he was going to get, so he didn't press. If she said she didn't know, it was probably true. Sirius recalled that faraway look when she had first admitted it to him, the wind whipping her hair about wildly as her face remained serene. _'This may just be the curse talking, but I feel like my purpose in life is to die...'_

It had been haunting then, but it had been even worse in Azkaban when it had echoed through his mind along with all the other ghastly memories he tried to keep at bay. He was usually quite successful, but the effect of the dementors made it utterly impossible. One thing was for certain, Sirius was _never_ going to visit Azkaban again. Just as he would never visit Grimmauld Place again after this.

"Come on then. Let's get what we came for. To the library," she said standing up, making her way in that direction.

"Let me go first," he told her. He had no idea what was and wasn't cursed. "It's probably best that you not touch anything else."

They'd just left the study and was heading toward the library when he stopped, horrified.

His heart pounded.

'_That was _her_ voice_,' he thought. His mother's voice. '_Impossible_.' His mother was dead. He really _was_ mad.

Sirius was then gripped with an unearthly terror that perhaps his mother had stayed on as a ghost to haunt the old house.

"No," he croaked. He had to get both of them out of there. Then he saw _it_ standing in the hall beneath them, mumbling to himself, it seemed. Kreacher.

As if it heard his name being thought of, the disgusting creature turned to him, and bowed reluctantly. "Master…"

Sirius had assumed that damnable elf was dead. Before it had the chance to say or do anything else he bellowed at it, "Out of my sight, elf!"

The hated thing was gone with a crack and it was then that Sirius realised to what it been had speaking just as Lily voiced the question. "Is that your mother's portrait?"

It _was_ her portrait, not her ghost and _not_ the echo of madness in his brain, Merlin be thanked. It had been covered with a curtain before. He hadn't noticed the odd drapery the first time round, having been distracted by a screaming redhead.

"So it's true! How dare you besmirch your name with this filth!" Walburga Black screeched, pointing a furiously trembling finger between him and Lily. He felt Lily move closer to his side, cowed by the mere portrait of this venomous harridan.

"Actually, surprisingly enough, she doesn't mind _besmirching_ her name by associating with the likes of me," he spat. "What was that fellow said this morning, Cariad? '_A Black? Are you mad?'"_

"I know she's a mudblood! The elf told me! Filth! How dare you let the refuse of society into this house!"

Sirius sneered as an idea occurred to him. "But it will be her house soon enough. Well, _our_ house." Playing the part, he brushed the hair away from Lily's neck to caress it with his thumb. It was the only place he dared touch. "After all, our child needs a proper home. The name of Black will live on, just as you always wanted…" He found it amusing that he was pretending to have a child on the way when not moments ago he'd been arguing that he'd never reproduce.

"I will not have a dirty-blooded grandchild!"

"Hmm… I wonder what you, as a glorified painted piece of canvass, can do about that," he spat victoriously. Sirius-1—Walbugra-297.

She screeched, and grabbed a nearby bowl of fruit and did her best to hurl it at him. Naturally, it didn't make it outside the frame, and bounced back into her portrait harmlessly, scattering fruit artistically. It was a painting, after all. How else could it scatter?

"In fact, we've been trying to think of names for the little one, haven't we, Cariad?"

Playing the part superbly, Lily put her hands over her belly and the most gentle, motherly, far-away look crossed her face. Even Sirius half believed her.

"I was thinking we'd call her Evelyn, or maybe Blodwyn," she said softly, then it sharpened. "But perhaps Cassiopeia would better suit. What do you think, Mrs Black?"

Delightfully surprised with by her spiteful streak and willingness to play along, he asked, "It's a girl? Darling, why didn't you tell me?"

Lady Black screeched in outrage, to Sirius' utter relish. Naming their daughter after a constellation as per Black tradition was clearly too much for the old bird.

"You've been a disappointment as a son to us since you went to school!"

"You were a disappointment as mother to me ever since I was born!" he shouted back.

"I wish you never had been! Disgrace! Dishonour! A blemish on the house of Black! I rue the day I became your mother."

The insults that spewed from his mouth were not at all the carefully crafted and cutting jibes he'd come up with over the years. The ones that he'd referred to her as with his friends. No, they were simple, crass, almost childish in their bitterness. "You're not my mother you cruel ignorant cow! Kicking me out of this damned house was the best thing you ever did for me. I hate it and I hate you! You hear me? I HATE you, even in your death I hate you as I've always hated you!"

His shoulders were heaving as he panted for breath, and only has his head began to clear did he realise that Lily was pulling on his sleeve and murmuring to him.

"Come away, Sirius. Leave her, this isn't doing you any good. _Os gwelch yn dda_, _cariad, _let's go."

He let himself be pulled away, retreating from his mother's cries.

Once safely in the library he sank into the sofa and put his face in his hands.

He'd done it. He'd finally told her. Finally. After all those years…

Although it really hadn't been her. His mother was dead. That was just a portrait. But it had felt good to get it out all the same. However, that satisfaction was diminished by the fact that Lily had witnessed the entire thing. She'd seen him act like a whiny boy, shouting at his mother that she didn't love him.

He would have almost resented Lily for it, had he not been grateful for the strength that her presence had provided. The fact that she was muggleborn only made it easier to fight back.

Well, the upshot was that after she'd collected her books there was no need to ever return to the dreaded place. At least he had been able to infuriate his mother's portrait. Strange, that he acted so horribly to the painting but he'd never been so disrespectful to the woman herself. Mostly he'd just ignored her, avoided her. He hadn't been able to look into her eyes. Even though he had been confident in his decision, in his life, even though she'd been a shrew who had never to his memory shown any affection or approbation, he couldn't bear her disappointment. It didn't make sense and he hated thinking about it, so for the most part, he didn't. But when the image of the very woman was shouting and screaming at him and Lily, well, it was hard not to. It was almost cathartic, shouting all the things at her portrait that he had longed to do to the woman herself, but never had. Cathartic, but not an exhilarating triumph. Instead he was tired and depressed. It had taken a lot out of him.

"Take anything you want now, because we are never returning here, Cariad. Neither of us. Do you understand?"

Lily's eyes swirled green but were steady with certainty. "Yes. Yes, I understand, Sirius."

"Good girl," he rasped.

.

An hour later they were back on the bike, driving back to his flat.

As he had watched her going through tome after dark tome, he thought again how much James would hate this, him giving Lily all this dark information to study. James often said that bad wizards all start out the same. Crippled by their own curiosity.

Sirius couldn't bring himself to feel guilty about it. That he'd let her get severely hurt on his property, yes, that he'd given her answers she had desperately been seeking? Never. James could stuff it.

He hadn't said a word to her since telling her they'd never return, and she hadn't pushed him for conversation. He was ashamed of his behaviour. He knew she didn't find it reprehensible, but he did. He was disgusted with the way he'd behaved, like a quavering and then petulant child. He handed her the tin of floo powder in his sitting room and rather brusquely shoved her into the fireplace, after a quick and too polite farewell.

It had been an emotionally draining day. Time spent around the lady tended to have that effect. She always managed to stir things up, or bring things out. He felt laid bare, and was therefore defensive and irritable when he got home to compensate for it, much to the resigned confusion of Remus and Peter. They grumblingly accepted his mood as usual. They _were_ in his house after all, and if he was in a foul mood it was his right to vent in his own home.

He felt the tug of the bond pulling and wrenching at him, telling him he shouldn't have left her in the Hogshead. He told the bond to bugger off, and turned over in his bed and tried to sleep.

Even though he had all his dreams back and technically _should_ be able to sleep, it didn't come.

"You'll see her tonight, for fuck's sake," he said angrily into his pillow. "Leave me in peace!"

Surprisingly, this seemed to work. The tug eased off and Sirius was allowed to rest.

x

The first thing she did after she came out of the floo (once she'd regained her composure) was to glance to the table at her left, to see if Severus was still there.

He was.

Making sure her hood was still up, she quickly scuttled to the side and sat down next to him. Lily could tell he was surprised, but the tension soon eased from his hand (the only part of him she could see) when he realised who she was. He exhaled in a frustrated snort, but that was not enough to deter her. Twice she'd seen him that day but hadn't been able to talk to him at all.

"Have you had a chance to read some of it yet?" she asked quietly.

He cleared his throat.

"I'm studying to take my Herbology N.E.W.T. Independent study."

Severus said nor did anything but to move his flagon to his mouth and back.

She held up a hand to the bartender, signalling she'd like to eat.

Feeling tired after her afternoon in Grimmauld place, she sighed and put her arms on the table to make a pillow for her head.

"Hide your hair," he said lowly. He'd refused to greet her at all or make conversation, but he tells her to hide her hair? Rolling her eyes (though no one could see) and sighing again she sat up and pulled her hair back into her cloak, from which it spilled out.

"Tie it."

"Yes _sir_," she said sarcastically, fumbling behind her hood to readjust the comb more carefully. The motorcycle ride must have pulled some of it loose.

That finished, she slumped back down again.

"Long day?" he asked drily.

Severus asking that simple question seemed to have the most unfortunate effect on Lily.

She cried, for the _third_ time that day. It was because she'd had such a wretched time at Grimmauld place, what with poor Sirius and his mother and being attacked by that dryember. Not to mention that trip to Diagon Alley. She hadn't got any alone time with James since the fight, which had been upsetting in the extreme. Having seen Sirius nearly die, having almost lost Peter as well, and having seen Gideon die, and several innocent victims, muggle and wizard alike, killed as well. That, combined with not having got very little sleep… well, it was no wonder she'd started weeping throughout the day. Luckily for her it wasn't embarrassing sobs, just a few sniffles and tears.

What she really wanted was to talk to James, but Severus was right there, and such a comforting presence in his own way. She couldn't help it. Besides, it wouldn't be the first time Severus had ever seen her cry. Out of anyone alive, he'd probably seen her do it the most. Well, him and Petunia. He'd been her baby-sitter after all. She'd been a rather impetuous child and Severus had had no problems telling her no.

Severus did nothing, as usual, just let her go at it for a bit, but he didn't push her away when she rested her head against his shoulder, which was the telling thing.

"You must know… we lost one of our own last night," she told him. It should have been awkward talking about the battle with him, as they were on opposite sides, but she was strangely comfortable.

"We lost three."

"Yes, but others, muggles and those witches and wizards that got caught in the fighting were lost too."

"So you consider the evening a loss?"

"I do." She sniffled again, and rather than use his sleeve for a handkerchief, pulled out her own that Sirius had given her.

"So do we."

There was a moment of silence before she said at random. "I miss the old days."

Aberforth stumped to the table, putting her plate of steak and kidney pie down with an aggressively loud clank. Surely only the unbreakable charm kept the dish from shattering.

"He doesn't seem to like you," her dark companion remarked.

"Not many do, but as it happens Aberforth is terribly fond of me."

"He hides it well." There was a hint of disbelief and dark amusement in his tone.

"He doesn't like my being here, that's all. Thinks it's not the place for a witch like me."

"And he'd be absolutely right. There are all sorts of unsavoury persons here. Dealers, hags, drunks."

She gave the hood to which she spoke a pointed look, knowing he couldn't see it but not caring. "And Death Eaters?" she suggested wryly.

Severus grew so still he could have been petrified, and Lily had to smile. It really wasn't something she should joke about, but annoying Severus had been one of her all-time favourite diversions in her childhood, and even now she had trouble giving it up.

"Exactly. You'd do well to remember that I'm not the only dark wizard that comes in here," he warned.

She was so used to dealing with Remus putting himself down that she almost replied to Severus with 'You're not dark,' but stopped herself. That would have been ridiculous and untrue. He was a Death Eater, fully fledged and almost entirely loyal.

"You're right. I won't come here looking for you again. It's dangerous and no doubt I annoy you." She made a sad stab at her food, thinking that since she'd ordered it she might as well try and eat it.

"That would be best."

She'd half hoped that he'd say she wasn't a bother, just as Remus or Peter would have done, but that wasn't Severus' style. He was a strictly practical person, and never took feelings into consideration when making decisions. Lily would love to see the day he'd let emotion guide him. Just one time.

'It wasn't cold reason that made him save your life in Dover,' a pleased, but altogether sly voice whispered in her head.

She smiled slightly and took another bite. Severus had taken severe risks to save her on more than one occasion. Even by telling her not to come here was for her own good.

So he _did _have feelings, of course he did. But even when he was acting on feeling, rather than logic, it was still with cold calculation, which made it difficult to tell what prompted him to do anything. Severus could be doing the kindest thing in the world and still look like a heartless bastard. No one would ever know the difference.

Looking back that had always been the case. He'd been a bit more open in the past, when he was younger. His reactions were obvious, whether he was sad, angry, frustrated, or, on those rare occasions, pleased.

"I don't know why you hide from me," she said sadly, surprised that she'd voiced this aloud for him to hear. Was it habit? To shut himself off to everyone? Or was he careful to guard himself around her for a reason?

"I don't know why you don't hide from me," he retorted, though his wasn't a question as hers had been, merely a statement of disapproval.

"Should I?" she asked. "Should I be afraid of you?"

He snorted, but otherwise didn't respond.

"Why did you help me then?" she persisted.

"Because…" His voice was low and barely audible. Lily could tell he was speaking through clenched teeth. "I gave my word."

This wasn't at all what she'd expected to her. Entirely surprised, she asked, "to whom?"

"Your parents, before you were to go to Hogwarts your first year. They told me to watch over you, and I promised I would."

So it had all been because of a promise? She knew that Severus took promises very seriously, as she did. If he vowed to do something, he _would_ do it, no matter what. That was just his way. He'd have made the vow to her parents before he made any to Voldemort. But to learn that it hadn't been from affection after all, that it was only an obligation that prompted it all… well it hurt.

"Oh…" she said, feeling utterly foolish that she'd cried on his shoulder. So much for feeling guided decisions. "I see. Well, you've been more than helpful; consider your vow fulfilled. I have other people to watch over me now." Still reaching for things to hide how hurt she was, she said, "Besides, I don't think that were they alive and knew who you were that they'd even _want_ you watching over me."

"At least we agree on that."

"I release you from your promise to my parents."

A pregnant pause followed.

"Thank you," was his quiet reply. It was whispered, breathy, _relieved._

She fled as soon as she slammed the silver down on the table.

.

Lily flung herself on her bed, remembering only too late the burns. She swore violently into her pillow, pummelling it in her frustration. Once she worked off most of it, she lay there exhausted. She removed her cloak, shoes and stockings before gently lowering herself back down onto the mattress. Looking over at the clock as saw it was 8:26. She debated on whether to go to seek James in his rooms or not, but before she came to a conclusion she'd fallen asleep.

x

"Your move," said Remus.

"Wot? Oh. Where ja go?" asked Peter. He'd been staring off elsewhere, in thought, and hadn't seen or heard Remus' latest play.

"Knight to E5," his friend replied.

"Oh." He inspected the board quickly, finding the knight was endangering a trapped bishop of his. How could he get out of that one? Pawn, no. Knight, no. Another pawn, no. Ah. "Queen to E5."

He watched with satisfaction as his white queen sashayed up to the black knight, removed a dirk from her hair, and stabbed the other piece through. The knight cleaved in half, the torso tumbling off the board, nearly taking a pawn with it, though the little pieced danced aside at the last moment in self-preservation.

"Castle to E5," said Remus through a yawn.

"Bollocks," Peter whined. He hadn't seen that, and now the black castle fell on top of the female sovereign, shattering her into several pieces.

A knock sounded at the door.

"Expecting anyone?" he asked.

Remus shook his head. "Wards didn't go off though, so must be a friendly visitor," he reasoned, and rose to answer it.

It was a moment before they realised at whom they were staring, though they didn't stop staring even after the truth had sunk in. Neither he nor Remus seemed to be able to say or do anything, only goggle at her.

"Is Sirius here? I want to talk to him."

Peter's gaze travelled down the length of her body. She wore quite a dress for someone who was only interested in conversation. Peter brought his eyes back up and tried to swallow but found his throat abnormally dry.

"Not sure if he's in just at present," said Remus smoothly. He'd certainly recovered faster than Peter had. "Wormtail, would you go upstairs and see if he's here?"

"Right…"

"Now, preferably."

"Oh, right."

He'd been standing there staring like an idiot. He shook himself and hurried upstairs to knock on Sirius' door.

"What?" came the disgruntled response through the wood.

"Sirius? Narcissa Bl-Malfoy's at the door. Says she wants a word. You there?" he asked, in case his friend would rather 'not be in' and have them shoo her off.

He knocked again. "Sirius?"

The door opened suddenly and Peter jumped back in surprise. Sirius strode out onto the landing and looked down to confirm what he'd heard.

"Ah," he said, taking the steps down at a careful pace. "Narcissa. I wasn't aware you'd even visited Uncle Alphard. I'm surprised you knew where to find me."

True, only people who knew where it was could find it.

"Once," she replied.

"I already told you, Cissa…" Sirius began.

"I know. I could see you were busy earlier. I thought now might be a better time."

By this time Sirius was on the ground floor. Slowly, step by step he advanced on Narcissa, considering her very carefully. He stopped only when he stood directly in front of her, towering over the beautiful woman. She didn't cower or tremble, but her breath did catch. Peter noticed because he'd been unable to tear his gaze away from her chest.

"I just want to talk, Sirius."

Sirius looked her up and down before taking a step backwards and lifting one arm in a welcoming gesture.

"Very well," he said stiffly, then his mouth twisted into a horrible smile. "Come upstairs and we'll _talk…_"

Peter and Remus watched as the two when up the stairs and disappeared behind Sirius' bedroom door. Having nothing more to stare at, they silently turned to each other, each wearing identical expressions of disbelief.

x

Lily woke when the bedroom door opened, but she didn't bother getting up. She knew he'd come to her.

His breath was warm and tickling in her ear. She laughed quietly. The warm air left her ear, as he nipped it and slowly pulled the skirt she'd fallen asleep in up a few inches. "Are you tired?" he asked lowly. Even in her sleep hazed mind she knew that that wasn't really what he was asking. He'd often wakened her this way on nights he returned late from work.

"Too tired for what?" she asked sleepily.

His laugh was a mere rumble in his chest. "You know what."

She wound her fingers in his hair as he kissed her. After the mostly miserable day she'd had, a loving James was precisely what she needed.

"Are you tired?" he asked again once he'd pulled away, manoeuvring himself downwards.

"I won't be if you…"

His head was already under her skirt before she'd finished answering. She sighed and closed her eyes again. Oh how she loved him. What was more; there were no burns down there to worry about.

Lily thought he'd just let her repay the favour and she could put off explaining those burns until later, but he stopped her in the middle, wanting to finish with her, in her.

"No, James, I've been burned… again."

He stopped. "Where?"

"Everywhere you can't see, pretty much." She hadn't removed that collared silk shirt Sirius had given her, which hid the damage.

James nodded. "I'll be careful," he promised.

And he was…

x

"I just want to talk, Sirius…" she had said. He remembered the very last time he'd spoken to Regulus. That conversation had started the exact same way…

_._

"_I just want to talk, Sirius."_

"_I don't want to listen. All your little __**friends**__ have tried to talk to me too. The answer is no, Regulus. Leave me alone."_

"_But Sirius, it's important." _

_Sirius scowled at him. "Are you a Death Eater?"_

_Regulus' face twitched. _

"_Answer the question. Are. You. A. Death Eater?_

"_Well, yes, but—"_

"_Then you and I have nothing to say to each other."_

"_But Sirius—!"_

"_No. Find someone else to talk to."_

.

He pulled himself out of the past, forcing himself to concentrate on the present. It wasn't Regulus this time, it was Narcissa, but Sirius didn't doubt that she'd come for the same reason.

He watched her as she removed her cloak, revealing pale shoulders and delicate collarbones.

Pouring them each a glass of wine, he held one out to her. She took it with an inclination of the head and they drank in silence. When she finished her glass he refilled it. She drank that and a third one too after that, as if trying to imbibe enough courage to speak, or whatever it was she planned to do.

Eventually she put her glass down and approached him. Smiling sadly, she said, "I've missed you." She squeezed his shoulder before letting her hand trail down his arm, slowly, gently.

"Oh?" he asked, remaining aloof.

"Yes," she replied, this time wrapping both hands around his neck and leaning her head on his chest. She stayed there in that almost embrace, clinging to him, pressing against him. "Please."

He took several deep breaths.

"How you ever cheated on your husband, Narcissa?" he asked. His hands, by sheer habit, trailed down her sides.

She looked up at him and shook her head, and Sirius could see uncertainty and fear in those familiar blue/grey eyes.

"There's no need to start now," he told her gently stepping back half a pace, removing her arms from around him.

"But I want—"

"Shh… I'm not interested in taking sides. Go home. Tell them I'm a useless pretty boy with no more sense than your average garden gnome."

She chuckled softly at this. "You still make me laugh."

"At least I'm good for something. I doubt the Dark Lord is in need of a jester, however," he told her directly.

The mention of the Dark Lord seemed to frighten her, and she closed the distance between them and gripped his shoulders more tightly.

"But I really do miss you."

He shook his head. "It's alright. You've done your best, Cissa. Go home."

She looked at him for a long while before she sighed. "_Thank you, Sirius._"

Lifting herself onto tiptoe, she kissed his cheek, stepped away, and disapparated with a pop.

Sirius closed his eyes and sighed too before pouring himself another glass of wine.

x

Curled up satisfied next to Lily, he started to speak about his day before he realised she was falling asleep. They had to leave for Gideon's memorial in less than an hour.

"Lily? Heart?" He gently nudged her.

"Hmm?" she asked, not opening her eyes.

"Are you very tired?"

She turned her back to him, bringing her hands to pillow her cheek as she lay on her side. "James, we _just_—"

"No no, that's not what I meant," he hastened to correct her. "It's just that Gideon's Memorial tonight. I thought you might want to stay back and rest."

"No," she said firmly, sounding more awake this time. "I'm going with you." She threw off the blanket and started to sit up but he put a hand out to stop her.

"Not time just yet, I was only wondering."

She nodded and carefully lay back down, wincing. James winced as well, both in sympathy and in guilt.

"Did I do that?" he asked. He'd tried to be as careful as possible but…

"No." She smiled up at him, well, grimace was probably a more accurate description but she touched his cheek gently. "No, you were wonderful. Cooling charms just wearing off, that's all."

James reached for his wand and pointed it at her stomach. She sighed in relief before she glared at him. "James Potter put that wand away! You aren't supposed to be doing magic!"

"Poppy said it was alright. I saw her this afternoon and she said I can use a few simple spells a day so long as I don't overexert myself."

"Oh! That's an improvement," she said, pleased.

"Not much of one, but one I'm willing to appreciate all the same," he said, aiming at a red streak across her collar bone.

"But James, if you have a limited magic you shouldn't waste it on me."

"What? So I can summon something instead? Levitate a pile of parchment when I can just as easily go get it myself. No, if I can only use so much a day I'd prefer it actually mean something. Frankly I can't think of a better use for it than this," he said, carrying on with soothing the burns.

She smiled at him in that way that made his heart swell almost painfully in his chest, and couldn't not kiss her for it.

Pulling away he said, "I love you."

"You don't know how badly I've needed you today," she said, her fingers still buried in his hair. She grabbed a chunk of it in her hand, sending delightful prickles through his scalp and down his neck.

"Well you have me," he said, kissing her again briefly before going back to the business of cooling her burns. "I can't tell you how pleased I am that these are uninjured," he said, lightly running his fingers over her breasts.

"At the cost of my bra."

"A price I'd pay any day," he commented, placing reverent kisses on both of them. He continued with his work until he was finished with the front side (a task made longer than it should have been due to his inability to keep his lips off the various uninjured parts of her) and she turned over for him to do her back, to which he paid equal unhurried attention.

"So, you're not cross at me then?" he asked. He was finished by now but he still sat over her as she lay on her stomach, tracing patterns on the unburned skin of her back and sides.

"Why would I be?" she asked.

"Sirius certainly was."

"Oh. He just put so much thought into getting Dragon the Third. He'd owled me a week ago setting up a time we could find you a new familiar. I don't think he felt his efforts were appreciated, that's all."

"They were. I just didn't want to go on about it with an outsider in the room."

"I know that. And I think Sirius knows that too. That's why he resented her being there. Though he does seem to dislike her apart from that. Do you know if they've ever met before?"

James frowned. "Not that I know of. I doubt it though; she's really not his type."

"Is she yours?"

James snorted. "Hardly."

"Thought so," she said smugly.

"Spiteful little thing," James said grinning.

"I said I wasn't cross at you, but that doesn't mean I wasn't…. _insensitive_ to the fact that she got to spend so much time with you and that I wasn't able to since… since everything."

He stopped his skin tracing and lay down next to her.

"Tell me about it," he said. He'd been desperate for news the night before when they were all gone, and thought Sirius had given him a brief overview, James hadn't any details. By the behaviour of his friends that morning he gathered that a lot happened that he didn't know about, and he pounced (figuratively) on her for the information he lacked.

"It was dreadful, start to finish. We'd only just arrived when we spoke through the mirror. Sirius, and I beg you not to mention this to him, got a nasty hex right at first then. A..." She shuddered violently.

"Come here," he said, pulling up the blanket to cover her completely. Lily calmed instantly and began to trace tickling patters on his chest. Gently, he put his hand over the blanket, stopping her doodles, and he urged her to go on, not letting go of her hand, or rather, the blanket that separated their hands.

"It was a simple slashing curse, but right in the neck. Oh, the shock on his face, James, he just... fell over, spouting like a guttering tap." She sniffled a few times and continued. "I know he's fine now, but at the time I thought we'd lose him. I healed him as quickly as I could but... did you hear him? I've ruined his voice."

"The curse did that. _You_ saved his life," he said sternly but thankfully. Yes, he was very grateful to her indeed that he still had his best friend.

It was silent for a time before she said, "I miss Roo."

James was surprised, but it wasn't hard to make the connection between the two thoughts. Almost losing a friend reminded her of the one she _had_ recently lost. With a pang he realised she had saved his best friend, but he'd been unable to save hers.

"I know."

"I was going to ask if he could join the Order."

"He would have made a fine addition."

"Instead we just have another subtraction," she said, meaning Gideon.

James sighed, squeezing the blanketed hand. "Made some headway with Dippet, at least," he told her, hoping to cheer her up.

"Oh?" Her head poked out from under the covers just enough so that he could see her eyes and nose.

He grinned slightly. "Mmhmm. We spoke about it at length today, about the marks. She hadn't even known about them, which isn't surprising, we only know because of Sirius and his 'friends' in the Ministry."

"He had tea with the Minister last week, can you believe it?"

"Not surprised really," said James with a shrug. "Anyway, when I told her about the marks she was stunned, outraged, said that was appalling."

"It is."

"Too right. She's said she was going to try to start a petition against it."

"A petition? James, that's just handing them over a list of people to blacklist or worse." Now she was on her side toward him, no longer hiding under the blanket.

"Oh I know, and told her as much. She's got a meeting with the Head of Muggle Affairs Office."

"Really?" she asked, sounding impressed.

"Actually the whole section has been downsized. Those who haven't been let go have been pressured to quit. It was never a large group, but now there are only two members of the team. One of them is away on maternity leave so Septimus Galbraith is really the only one _to_ talk to. Not often he gets owls from people offering to _help, _Darlene says. Mostly, he told her, he has to defend his position. Of course they've pulled funding, so he's had a hell of a time just to not lose ground."

"But what can Galbraith do about muggleborn registration? He's head of Muggle affairs, not muggle _born_ affairs."

"I don't think they at the Ministry think there's much of a difference. They've grouped it into the same division."

Lily hissed a rude word which colourfully intimated her feelings about the Ministry and their divisions.

"I couldn't agree more, but if there is anyone in the Ministry who knows who might be on our side, it would be him."

She kissed his shoulder. "Thank you, James."

They lay there quietly for a few minutes before he reluctantly told her that they'd best put on clothes and make their way to Hogsmeade. They were to meet the other Marauders in the village at midnight.

x

"Where are they?" she asked, casting a _tempus _spell.

"They're probably in the Head. Come on," he said.

"No!" she cried, bringing him up short as he was holding her hand and she refused to go another step.

"What? Why not?"

"I just…" There was no way to explain her reasons. If she said she was afraid Severus might be there, he'd either ask her why she knew he was there, or charge in and start a row right then. Probably both. She sighed. "Fine. I just don't like it in there this time of night," she hedged, though he seemed to buy it.

She made sure that none of her hair was showing and that her hood was all the way down, but didn't have much hope that she wouldn't be recognised anyway. Even if he didn't know it was her when she walked in, no doubt he'd have had his eye on Sirius, Remus and Peter, and he'd certainly notice James when he walked in. It was only a matter of time before _one_ of them mentioned her name.

Oh Merlin she was dreading it. Yes, he'd hurt her that afternoon, and he probably didn't care about her as much as she thought he had, but it still made her very uncomfortable having him see her among his old enemies. She feared it would make him hate her.

Then an idea struck her. Perhaps he already did. Or if not hate, at least resent her. After all this time he'd been bound by his word to protect a silly mudblood girl, against all his other beliefs and obligations to the contrary. Of _course_, how could he not resent her? And there she was, making an utter prat of herself by…

She couldn't even stand thinking about it.

All those times he'd just been humouring her. Or her dead parents, rather.

Lily hung her head and followed James dolefully into the pub, feeling miserable all over again.

"There they are," said James, and led them toward a booth. Only Remus and Peter were there, and both had taken up seats on either side of the table, which left James to sit on one side, and her to sit on another. James, naturally, chose the side that faced the door, so he could see who came in and who left, which meant Lily was sitting on the isle, facing the fireplace and the back of the pub. Facing _him_.

She hunkered down in her seat so low her eyes were in line with the table and she could see everyone's legs beneath it.

Noticing her behaviour, Remus, sitting next to her, asked, "What's wrong?" and put an arm over her shoulders.

She shied away from it, not wanting Severus to see.

"Careful," said James. "Burns."

"Oh," Remus sputtered, surprised. "Sorry, I didn't know."

"S'alright," she mumbled.

"Where's Padfoot?" James asked.

"Erm… he er… might be busy," said Peter. Only because she was hunched so low did she see Remus kick Peter under the table.

"But he'll be here shortly, I'm sure. Just had a few things to take of first."

They were hiding something; that much was obvious. What was the matter with Sirius? He'd been in quite a state when she'd left him earlier that evening. His old house, it seemed, had a debilitating effect on him. Her eyes widened, remembering that she hadn't even started reading the books she'd taken from the Black library. She'd been so upset over Severus she'd gone straight to bed. Now she was eager to open them. It was almost cruel that she even carried them in her pocket still, because she had them available but in her current company she couldn't even peruse them while she waited.

So she tried to focus on things _other_ than Severus Snape and _other_ than books on dark magic, like where Sirius was, for example, and _how_ he was.

"Drink?" asked Remus, clearly attempting to distract James from Peter's obvious prevarication.

James didn't seem to buy it either. "Sure…" he said slowly, and held up a finger to Aberforth. "Lily?"

She shook her head. "No thanks."

A minute or so later, Aberforth came by, setting before James a pint of ale, and in front of Lily, a glass of barely water. She scrunched her nose at it but didn't complain. She couldn't afford for Aberforth to announce to the whole table that Lily had had dinner with the surly fellow at the back table. Not that he would, but still, she was acutely aware that Aberforth had part of her secret, even if he didn't know any of the details. It could be just the thread that, if pulled, could unravel the tapestry. She wondered if she ought to talk to Aberforth, ask him to keep quiet, just in case, but decided that it would only make things _more_ suspicious.

She sighed, sipped, grimaced, and sipped again. It wasn't even flavoured barley water.

"You know I'm going to ask him when he arrives so you might as well tell me, Wormtail," said James conversationally, taking another swig and putting it down with an easy smile.

Peter looked to Remus nervously and then back to James. "Erm… He's entertaining a witch."

James laughed. "Is that all?"

"No," said Remus seriously. "That's _not_ all."

The humour fell from James' face as he grew instantly sober. "What?"

Remus shook his head. "Not what. Who," he corrected.

"Who?" James repeated, curiously.

"Me…" drawled a would-be smooth voice from beside them.

They all turned their heads, surprised at Sirius' sudden arrival.

"Sirius," Lily greeted gratefully. Despite his discomfort earlier, she was glad he was there and would put a stop to all the hinting and under-the-table kicking.

"What are they on about, Padfoot. They're acting like it's the end of the world because you brought a witch home."

Sirius snorted. "Oh I didn't bring her. She followed me." At this he turned to Lily with a sort of sneer. "All the way from Diagon Alley."

Lily couldn't be sure, but she hoped that she'd controlled her features well enough to disguise her displeasure.

Lily knew that only people who knew where Sirius' flat was could actually find it, which meant she must have visited at least once before.

"How did she know where to find you?" she asked, crossing her arms.

"I asked her that very same question. She'd visited Alphard once before."

"Oh." That made her feel mildly better.

To her right, she heard Remus take several quick breaths through his nose. Sirius noticed this too, but rather than be confused, as Lily was, he looked thoroughly displeased.

"Get a good whiff, _Moony_?" he asked dangerously.

"Sorry. I didn't.... I wasn't..."

"I _know _what you were doing."

"Well I sure as fuck don't so if someone wouldn't mind explaining what the deuce is going on here," said James, exasperated.

"Moony was trying to scent out if I shagged her, isn't that right?"

Lily whirled around to Remus in disbelief. "You can do that?" she asked, horrified. How many times had he been able to smell her? She hung her head in her hands. "Well that's embarrassing."

Remus bowed his head in shame too. "It's none of my business if you did or not."

"Of course he didn't," said Lily. Whatever ancient feelings he might have harboured for his cousin, he would never... not the wife of a Death Eater.

She might not have been so sure of that point earlier that day, but after visiting Grimmauld place with him she had no doubt that the encounter had been a chaste one.

"You didn't see her dress," mumbled Peter.

"Whose dress?" James asked angrily. "If I don't get some answers here I'll-"

"Narcissa," Sirius interrupted, drawing the name out several times its natural length. "Came upon me earlier today with some cock and bull story about wanting to catch up. Brushed her off. Then, only an hour ago she turns up at my digs saying she wants to _talk_."

"In that dress," added Peter, as if the dress were a crucial element to the story.

Sirius scoffed again. "Exactly. Though I knew _what _she was doing I was curious as to why. I had my suspicions and I wanted to know if I was right."

"What was that?"

Sirius waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. "Trying to get me to join their side."

Lily was all too aware that during this conversation, Severus Snape was two tables away, no doubt listening to every word they said. Any talk about 'sides' couldn't be good for any of them.

"Stop talking," she hissed.

"What?" said all four Marauders at once.

"I said stop talking. Just... stop."

"I want to know," said James.

"That makes two of us," said Peter.

"Three," added Remus.

It was clear what had happened, now. Didn't they have enough information for the present? Narcissa was sent to seduce Sirius to the other side. End of story. They didn't need to tell Severus all the details, else Sirius might suffer for it, depending on what those details might be. If he played ignorant, just listened to her pitch and declined it, fine. If there had been anything else, it wouldn't bode well for either him _or_ Narcissa, depending on how accepting she'd been. Lily didn't want to make too many assumptions, but from what little she'd seen in the street, Narcissa didn't look like she'd handle punishment very well.

Lily wasn't certain why she was concerned over the woman's welfare, though. Perhaps because she knew that secretly Sirius was too? Hmm… perhaps but she doubted it.

"Sirius, please," she begged in a whisper. "Not now."

He studied her for a moment, his eyes narrowing. She couldn't tell him her reason but she hoped he'd listen to her.

"It's nothing to get upset over, Cariad," he said carefully.

"No, I know that," she told him. She believed that he hadn't slept with her, that wasn't what concerned her. But if he continued to discuss this, she'd have no choice but take either obvious measures at their own table to stop the conversation, or distract Severus at his.

Neither was very appealing.

Still, Sirius seemed determined to continue on with his story, which probably wouldn't be the real way of it in any case, but a version he thought his friends would rather hear.

Lily rose to her feet, muttering that she was going to the loo, and cast a quick _muffliato_ before she left. It might have been bad form to use Severus' own spell against him, but, she reminded herself, she needn't be concerned about that. There had been lots of spells in his old books she'd got from him that had been used against her and those she loved. Surely it was only fair that one of them be used to protect them, after all they'd been through?

She could have cast the spell while staying seated at the table, but she had no desire to hear Sirius' tale. Plus, she wanted to test that it worked.

Sure enough, once she'd moved a pace away she could hear their voices, but their words had been magically muffled. It really was a clever little spell.

Having no choice but to actually head to the loo, she did so.

.

"Haven't they heard of _scourgify?_" she muttered to herself as she left the 'ladies' room, though she doubted that many women frequented the Hogshead let along any 'ladies'. She felt dirtier having stepped foot in the place, and had done her best to disinfect it as much as she could.

Lily glanced over at the table, seeing that Sirius had moved in to take her seat. Struck by a sudden idea, she pulled out a chair to the unoccupied single table next to and sat, fishing in her pockets for one of the many tomes she'd taken from Grimmauld place. Of course, she'd charmed the covers before she left so that it wouldn't be obvious that they were dark texts.

The table was wobbly as she placed her book down on it, so she moved the volume to her lap. As her back was to the wall, no one would be able to read over her shoulder either.

There was no table of contents to obligingly tell her where she might most likely find the information she sought, so she started from the beginning. She should have been horrified, really, at the subject material, but she couldn't help being fascinated as her eyes quickly devoured page after page. Occasionally she would look up and meet eyes with either Remus or Sirius, to show she was alright, but mostly she was reading away.

She gasped aloud at the section of magical manacles, remembering her hellish experience in the dungeons with absolutely no light and no sound, and being attacked seemingly sentient shackles. There they were, right there, page 5 on the more basic methods of control and containment. She realised her breathing was out of control and she took a minute to calm herself from the thrill of this horrid discovery and the onslaught of memories that came with it.

It was then she felt his eyes on her. He'd moved. He was nearer her now. She couldn't pinpoint where but she didn't want to lift her head to look for him and draw attention to herself.

It wasn't fear. Despite the fact that he was no longer obliged to keep her alive she still doubted that he'd try to kill her at the first opportunity. No, it was sheer awkwardness she felt. She was embarrassed and slightly annoyed with him. Alright, extremely annoyed.

"You know, as the creator of that spell I could easily take it down," he said.

"You could if you had the password, as I'm sure you've already discovered," she said, stubbornly not looking up from her book. Obviously he was referring to the _muffliato_ she'd put up to protect the Marauder's conversation. "And don't be too disappointed, he's only going to lie about it anyway," she said, wondering why he was bothering to talk to her now that he was released.

"So he _did_ sleep with her?"

She snorted. "No."

"You seem confident."

"I am. And shut up, it's none of your business anyway."

"I'm sure Lucius will be pleased to hear it."

That brought her head snapping right up. Did he really just say that? Why was he speaking so freely?

"Well, that's a weight off my mind. I've always been concerned for dear Lucius' well being, especially after his oh so kind attentions towards _me_ in the past." What with trying to _kill_ her, and all. "Why are you talking to me, anyway? Shouldn't you be off celebrating your freedom?" she asked petulantly.

"I'm far from being a free man. I'd sooner be released from my other vows than the one from which I was released today."

"You'd get in trouble for saying that," she chided.

"I could be _killed_ for saying that," he corrected.

"Merlin, Sev, then why are you saying it?"

"Because I trust you won't go running to the Dark Lord to betray my secret."

She couldn't believe this. "Who are you and what have you done with my Prince?" she asked. He was almost joking with her, and certainly being more open than she'd seen in recent times. He'd gone so far to almost say that he trusted her.

He was sitting at the single table next to hers, and she could tell he'd cast his own _muffliato_ around them. He wasn't facing her, so from an outside perspective, it would be impossible to tell they were speaking at all to each other as they were had their heads bent over books and well concealed in hoods. She wasn't certain what he was reading, but if she were a betting woman she'd say it was a Herbology text.

x

Severus didn't know how to answer that question, because he honestly didn't know the answer. When she'd left earlier that evening he'd known that he'd pushed her away. Once that had registered he was gripped with the sudden fear that there would be no getting her back. '_Why would you even _want_ her back?_' he had asked himself. Wasn't this what he wanted? Hadn't he been _trying_ to push her away?

Not trying too hard, apparently, because the moment he did he attempted to reel her back in again.

He knew how dangerously stupid it was to want to keep hold of her. Every bit of reason he possessed urged him to cut her out of his life but he continued to silence that voice. Why?

Because she actually cared, when no one else did. It seemed like such a weak reason, a selfish and shameful secret, to be want to be cared for, but there it was. He didn't want to lose that, no matter how small a presence she actually was in his life. They barely had any contact, conversation, or correspondence, but the simple knowledge was enough. In truth, he didn't know what he would actually _do_ with more. He wanted a connection, but he needed distance as well. Distance was safe. Distance was protection.

_Protection from what? What could she do to hurt him?_

He didn't know and didn't want to find out.

Well, distance certainly did provide protection from the rest of the world finding out. That was paramount. His side would kill them both instantly.

"I'm the same man," he muttered.

"I know you aren't going to want to answer such a straightforward question, but are we friends or aren't we?"

She was right. He _didn't _want to answer.

"I don't know if I'd put it in quite those terms," he hedged.

"Well, I think we established earlier that you are no longer my baby-sitter," she said, and although he could see her face, he knew she was sneering. "Well think on it, Prince. I have to go."

Sure enough, the four people he hated most in the world were approaching them. "Why are you going anywhere with _them_ anyway?" he asked. Surely she could keep better company than that?

"We're remembering our fallen tonight," she said solemnly, resizing her book and placing it in her pocket hastily, as if she was afraid someone might see.

The baneful band of four was close enough so that he could hear their conversation, having left the safety of Lily's charmwork.

"Wait, 'old on. If she left after a few minutes, then what took you so long gettin 'ere?" asked Pettigrew.

"Getting dressed," said Sirius Black, as if this answer had been obvious. "I couldn't very well go to a service dressed as I was, could I?"

It was clear by Lupin and Pettigrew's expressions that they hadn't a clue as to what Black had been wearing, but they nodded in agreement anyway. "Right." "Of course," they answered quietly. Those two would always cow to Black. They always had.

Severus was grateful that the pureblood wastrel had refused Narcissa, for whatever reason. Having Black among them would have been insufferable. Bellatrix was bad enough, not that the homicidal didn't tend to gravitate to the Dark Lord anyway. Most Death Eaters had a fascination with inflicting pain on others.

That was where Severus differed from his fellows. He'd been drawn by the promise of magical research, and the prospect of being feared and respected by all. As a Death Eater, no one would call him Snivley-Pants, or steal his textbooks, or disrobe him in public. He would strike fear into those around him.

As it turned out, people didn't cower before him as he'd expected. His role was more subtle; lab work and observation. His job was to be unnoticed. He would have preferred to be unnoticed during his days at school. It would have been a vast improvement from 'target.'

Still, it was a sore rub that _that_ was whom she spent her time with these days. What might they have said to her about him?

"What you doin' all the way back here?" asked Pettigrew.

"Avoiding you lot, of course," she replied easily. "And I wanted to warm myself by the fire." As if in demonstration she held out her hands towards the flames. Unfortunately, just at that moment someone came barrelling through the floo, and would have crashed into Lily had Potter not snatched her away at the last moment. Severus had flinched, having been about to make a similar attempt but stopped himself.

"Alright there, Evans?" Potter asked, smiling smugly down at her.

"I'll live." Lily looked down at herself, smoothing down her robes and brushing off ash. "It appears that Quidditch reflexes save the day again," she said sarcastically.

"Sorry," said the wizard, straightening his hat. "Lost my footing coming out the grate."

"No harm," Lily assured him.

It was the first time he'd truly seen her that day, as the hood had fallen down in the event. Luckily her hair was pinned up, and was therefore not as noticeable as when it was down and flowing like a banner-target. Severus was aware that many Death Eaters knew who Lily was. Everyone who'd been in Dover when she'd escaped knew, as did of course those who killed her parents. Lucius did, naturally, as it had been his responsibility to deal with her over the Christmas holidays at the Leaky Cauldron. Bella knew her as well; having duelled her personally.

The Death Eaters had descriptions of those they knew to be part of Dumbledore's Order; Lily's being 'the red haired young female mudblood.' That red hair was what most people associated with her and easily her most distinguished characteristic. If she had any sense at all, she'd charm her hair to the dullest shade of brown she could.

It was Black who covertly raised her hood again, not acknowledging his actions but calling attention away from it as he said, "Come on. We've wasted enough time here."

Potter's arm, Severus noted with disgust, was still placed around her back from when he'd caught her, and it stayed there as he led her out of the pub.

After stewing for several minutes about Potter, Black and hangers-on, he collected himself enough to think clearly about the situation. He had several memories of the day he couldn't keep (and others still that he'd be glad to be rid of, like seeing Potter and Black), and he had a notebook in his pocket in which he would need to put hints of the day's events without giving anything away should someone see it. And so, he removed a pencil from his pocket (he was a half-blood after all and muggle devices did have their practical purposes) and set about making riddles for himself.

x

They returned from Gideon's Service in a subdued groud, lighted candles in tow. It seemed to be agreed on by all (but discussed by none) that all of them would return to the castle for the wake. It wasn't really out of reverence for Gideon, but his death had silently reminded them that for all they might quarrel and row, they were still damned lucky to have each other.

Lily and James walked a bit after the rest, leaning on each other. Remus kept casting glances back at them to make sure they didn't fall too far behind. Solemnly, they entered Lily's rooms and silently sprawled themselves across the furniture. Lily and James took the couch, where she immediately leaned against him and closed her eyes as if to sleep, he and Peter seated themselves in the two armchairs, and Sirius curled up as a dog at the hearth. The cat in the room, sitting next to Lily on the sofa, didn't seem at all concerned by the canine.

Everyone, either sleeping or lost in their own thoughts, didn't attempt conversation for a long time. Sirius did, however, change back into himself after an hour or two and left, only to return a little time later with a bottle. Once the beverage was poured and consumed, their tongues loosened to discourse. Unsurprisingly, the topic was Gideon.

"He always said I was a mop-headed tosser," James recalled.

"That wasn't very nice," Lily pointed out.

James took a stiff drink, grunting a bit as it went down. "Spot on, as it happens." He downed the rest of the glass and pulled a face, breathing sharply through his teeth. "Absolutely bang on."

"Had a mouth like a jarvey," said Peter.

"Bit of a lad," added Sirius.

"Pot and cauldron, Wormtail and Padfoot respectively," said Remus amusedly, holding his glass to each in salute as he said their names and took a drink.

"Excellent beater, I've always said," James put in. "He'd've done better to make his life on a pitch than in Magical Law Enforcement."

Though it was very subtle, Remus noticed Lily sneak her hand into James' lap and give his hand a squeeze. A tight smile lined his face as he squeezed back, sharing some secret pang of something, perhaps woe or wistfulness.

Remus looked away, feeling an intruder on this private moment.

Eventually the conversation strayed from Gideon, lightening a bit as they discussed bizarre and antiquated spells with uses so curious that they could hardly imagine why they had ever been invented in the first place. In fact, Lily had a book entitled "Charms You'll Never Use," which provided much entertainment.

"Here's one," said Remus, reading from chapter three. "_Creponium Extricadentum_, for removing toenails from your teeth." He shook his head at the illustration and turned the page. "Here's another so that forces you to speak in iambic pentameter…" The final chapter consisted mainly of comical spells, and while they might be considered 'useless' Remus was certain that his friends could have made use of them during their school days.

"Oi, listen here. Guess what this one does," said Peter, who now had the book. "_Flatulo!"_

"You wouldn't need that spell, you do well enough on your own," commented Sirius, snatching the book away. Peter had drawn his wand no doubt to test it but Lily, having expected this, summoned it and buried it between the couch cushions, all of this with her eyes closed.

"Not in my room you don't," she fought to say through a yawn as James continued to fiddle idly with her hair.

"Merlin, I'm knackered," he said.

"Dippet wear you out, did she?" Sirius asked darkly.

James stiffened in his seat, his hand freezing in its course through Lily's hair, his mouth a thin line. Peter, to Sirius' left, elbowed him and pointed to Lily in a way that said obviously, 'Don't bring it up with _her_ here.'

Lily, eyes still closed, stretched out fully like a luxuriant cat, supremely unconcerned by Sirius' remark. "I wouldn't be surprised," she commented. "Dippet is a very trying person. I'm exhausted after one _minute_ of speech with her. I'd hate to imagine a whole day. Poor thing." She patted James' thigh consolingly.

James relaxed and resumed his combing and fixed his eyes on Sirius intently. "I meant to thank you. He _is_ quite spectacular."

"I know," said Sirius.

"Appreciate it, really."

"I know."

Once again, it seemed that James and Sirius were talking about their own private things, leaving the rest of them out of the loop.

"Ow! Damn it, Nostradamus!" Lily cried, wide awake now, shooing away the cat that was pawing at her belly, trying to get comfortable. "Ger'off, bloody thing." She stood up, gingerly placing a hand on her middle. "That _hurt_," she complained, looking at James but turning her eyes back down to her stomach. "Really got his claws in me."

James frowned and knelt down, as if he would lift her shirt to inspect the damage, though Remus couldn't see what the big deal about a few scratches. In any case, James seemed to think better of it and rose to his feet, taking Lily's hand and pulling her to the bedroom. "Let's have a look, should probably bandage those anyway."

She nodded and the pair of them disappeared behind a closed door, apparently to deal with a wound more severe that cat scratches. It was then he remembered earlier at the Hogshead, he'd tried to put his arm around her and James had warned him not to on account of burns.

"I thought she'd made it out unscathed," said Remus, frowning. "She should have said something while we were all in the hospital wing."

He looked at Sirius for more information, as he had been Lily's partner during the fight and would be privy as to what afflicted her, but if he knew he remained tight-lipped on the subject.

A house elf was called soon after that, bringing trays of edibles as the conversation changed, as they often did these days, towards politics.

"I bet you want to strangle the Minister for all this," said Peter to Lily.

"No, as a matter of fact," she replied icily. "I'd _much_ more enjoy watching him be buggered by a particularly violent mountain troll."

A misjudged attempt at imagining this caused Remus' buttocks to clench. _'As if that would stop a mountain troll,_' he thought darkly, then shuddered again.

James, who had had the misfortune to fight several violent mountain trolls in his time, could only remark with thankfulness that he'd been spared the worst.

Sirius merely commended her on the sentiment, and Peter suggested that it be a particularly violent, _syphilitic _mountain troll.

"Excellent notion, Peter," Lily agreed with vicious approval, setting up the chess board on the table for them to play. She'd strictly forbade any of them to help either her or Peter.

"Don't know why you can't just get a _normal_ chess set," groused Peter, making the first move by hand rather than commanding the piece.

"Normal is relative. And as it so happens, this was a gift and I'm rather fond of it," she replied, taking her turn.

"So, who do you reckon for next Minister?" Remus asked the room at large.

It was Lily who replied. "No idea, don't like any of our options, really."

"Not Crouch?" asked James. "I think having the head of Magical Law Enforcement might be a good thing. At least he's got his priorities. Certainly a better choice than Fudge."

"Idiot," Sirius commented.

"Crouch _could_ be alright…" she began hesitantly.

"But what?" enquired Remus.

"He's just so… so fire and brimstone about everything, you know? He's such an extreme sort of man."

"Well we live in extreme times," James pointed out. "I think we need someone as harsh as him."

"Sirius?" she asked, inviting him to give his opinion. "Crouch: just what we need or too much of a hard line?"

He shrugged, watching the liquid as he swirled it around in his glass thoughtfully. "He's strong… got the minerals to stand up to the Ministry and when it comes to catching and punishing Death Eaters. Very opinionated. He doesn't care what other people think and is almost entirely heartless, which I think works in his favour as far as incorruptibility is concerned. I'd say he's rather solid. Fudge on the other hand is just a tower of pudding."

"Why doesn't Dumbledore ever try for it?" Lily asked with a sigh. "That would solve a lot of problems, really. He'd certainly be elected and then we wouldn't have to worry about any of these other things."

"He doesn't want it," said James. "Bad move, by the way."

"I said don't help me! And why doesn't he want it?"

"Can't bear to leave Hogwarts, I'd imagine."

"I don't buy that," said Lily. "Sure, he must love the school but he _must_ have other reasons. No one is more devoted or active in the war against Voldemort than Albus Dumbledore. Being Minister would further that goal immensely and yet he doesn't do it. I think it would take a lot more than just 'missing Hogwarts' to keep him from taking advantage of an opportunity like that. Something big. Something secret."

Sirius hummed inquisitively, as if he'd just been given something to think about. Actually, Remus was rather bemused himself. She made an interesting point.

"So what _do_ you think of the Headmaster," asked Sirius. "I detect disapprobation."

"I'm just a bit curious, to tell you the truth."

"That's dangerous," commented Sirius.

"What. Curiosity or telling the truth?" asked Remus.

"Both, naturally," said Lily with a broad smile, winking at Sirius who smiled conspiratorially back.

A knock sounded at the door, interrupting the somewhat serious banter. As one, all four men stopped talking and drew their wands.

"Who the 'ell would come rapping at this time of night?" asked Peter in an angry whisper.

"I _am_ Head Girl, you know. Probably a student needing help. It wouldn't be the first time."

"Happens once every week or two, actually," James confirmed, though he didn't re-sheathe his wand or take his eye off the door.

Lily too took her wand out of her hair as she approached the portrait hole. Before she opened it she turned back to them. "Think you could make yourselves scarce?"

"No," they all replied. Lily groaned, rolling her eyes. "I don't know how I'm going to explain you lot if it's just a student," she complained, but pulled open the door anyway, letting is swing wide.

The sight of not only the Head Girl, but four fully grown men aiming their wands at her must have been too much for the poor girl, because she squeaked and darted away.

"Wait! Phillipa, come back!"

"She's a prefect for Hufflepuff," James informed them, relaxing. "Harmless."

"Wands are away, I promise!" Lily called out, trying to coax the terrified girl back.

Eventually she did return, though looking rather shaky and skittish.

"Sorry, Pip. I er… wasn't expecting you," Lily apologised lamely.

"I know it's late," she said, not looking at Lily at all as she spoke but at the presence of the four men in the room. "But Madame Pomfrey wants you in the Wing."

"Oh. Yes, of course. You're staying there aren't you? I'll walk back with you now, as I'm already up and dressed."

x

Lily took her leave of the boys with only a nod in parting before accompanying Phillipa back to the Hospital Wing. Feeling slightly nervous, one, because if Poppy was calling her out at this time of night it couldn't mean anything good and two, she had no idea how to explain the Marauders' presence in her rooms to the Hufflepuff prefect, she walked to the Hospital Wing wringing her hands.

"Erm…" she started awkwardly. "If you wouldn't mention that I had company I'd appreciate it."

Realising that this sounded like she was asking a prefect to cover up a misdeed, she hastily added. "The Headmaster knew about it, of course. We were having a wake for a friend we lost yesterday."

"Oh. I'm… sorry to hear that," Phillipa responded politely.

She nodded and they fell into awkward silence again, Lily inwardly squirming, imagining how the other girl must be judging her.

She was grateful when she left Phillipa back at her Hospital Wing bed and continued alone to Madame Pomfrey's room.

"Oh, you're here, thank goodness. I have to leave immediately." As she spoke she was placing on instruments into a leather bag.

"What?"

"Urgent house call for an acquaintance of the Headmaster," she replied, which was remarkably more detailed an explanation than she could have expected. "I need you to watch the wing. Here's the list of all the patients and their conditions and treatments, and—"

"But… but… I'm not a Healer! I'm not remotely qualified for this!" she expostulated nervously.

"You've done it many times before, dear. You'll do fine."

"But only when you were sleeping in the next room! I could come and get you at need! I can't... can't possibly do this all on my own. I'm only really good at potions and we don't have any! My diagnostic abilities aren't up to the task and I don't know nearly enough healing spells! Only the dozen or two that you taught me!"

"There's a reference book in my quarters."

"It's _experience,_ I need."

"Miss Evans," Madame Pomfrey said, losing patience. "It's only for a few hours and they will be sleeping anyway. They know you, and are familiar with you being here when I'm not. It's for their peace of mind, more than anything. You won't abandon them, will you?"

Lily opened her mouth, closed it again, and slumped. "No. Of course not."

"Good. I'll be back in the morning."

With that, the Healing Matron was out the door, leaving Lily entirely alone in the silence.

Well, not so alone and not so silent as all that, she reflected. There were about 20 people in the room with her, making sleepy noises. 20 people she was responsible for.

Taking deep breaths, she forced herself to go over what Madame Pomfrey had told her. It was only a few hours and they would be asleep anyway. It was just to have a familiar presence there for the students. Just for their peace of mind… She wasn't really expected to save any lives.

Right. She could do this. She had a grasp of basic healing, she wasn't entirely incompetent. In fact, she was rather a dab hand at patching people up; though she'd botched up Sirius' voice, she thought dejectedly.

Thinking of Sirius reminded her she should send word to them, saying she wouldn't be back tonight and explaining the situation, so she sent her patronus along with the message.

James' stag returned asking 'Do you want company?'

She thought a long time before responding. Yes, his presence would be a comfort, but a part of her wanted to prove to herself that she could do this alone because to accept his offer would be, in fact, weakening herself.

In the end she replied with a 'no thank you' and told him to get some rest before classes in the morning.

In the hours that followed, no problem was presented that she didn't know how to deal with, and she was glad she'd gone it alone.

At least, she'd thought she had. She'd been unaware of the large black dog that had stationed itself patiently outside the Hospital Wing doors the whole time.

* * *

_**Author's Note:**__ Since writing that first Author's Note I've gone on a desperately needed vacation. Started out driving north out of Iraq at about 10 o'clock at night to the Turkish border. (__**That**__ was a scramble all by itself, __**literally **running_ _around the border control with hundreds of angry Kurds and Arabs trying to get into an inhospitable Turkey, who has no love for either. At two in the morning, the guards simply stopped working and took a two hour break, leaving hundreds of people in hundreds of cars waiting. Everyone got out of the cars and talking, in typical fashion, complaining and chatting, and the jollier fellows, few though they had been, joking and laughing. I stood with my two American friends until they suggested subtly that I get back into the car. "You've been eye-fucked about 4,000 times," M said. Men had been trying to take pictures of me with their camera phones, which I found very annoying, so I agreed, the lads standing outside the door so people couldn't look in. After four hours at the border we finally made it through, but around four or so in the morning our driver got so tired we stopped at a restaurant where they had an upstairs room with cushions and mats on the floor where we slept for a few hours, continuing when it got light.) Finally we made it to the airport at Diyarbakir where we flew to Istanbul, where the vacation truly began. After Istanbul, where we left two other members of our party, C and I continued on to Bulgaria (the land of Victor Krum, haha). After that we went to Macedonia for several days, which was absolutely lovely, particularly Ohrid. Then we took the train South to Greece. I didn't see much of Thessaloniki, as I spent much of my time lounging in my hotel room (I decided to splurge and not stay in a hostel) and at the Starbucks by the seaside, writing parts of this chapter. Then we took the night train back to Istanbul, which was also charming. That was my first time in a sleeper compartment, my own little berth with pillows and blankets and everything. :)_

_Getting back __**into**__ Iraq proved much simpler than getting out, and now I'm back and you have your chapter. __ Hopefully the next won't take too long._

_Oh, and another note: I __**still**__ get private messages from people telling me that my story is AU, or asking why it's rated M._

_ Firstly, I know the story is AU. In the summary it says that James is the professor. Clever readers generally interpret that to mean that it's AU. So please, I beg of you, stop telling me this story isn't canon. It's annoying. Extremely annoying. It makes me want to block you people, except that doesn't seem to be an option. _

_ Secondly, this story is rated M because that's its appropriate rating. M does __**not**__ equal erotic fiction. An M rating means _Not suitable for children or teens below the age of 16 with possible strong but non-explicit adult themes, references to violence, and strong coarse language_. I think most of you agree that this story falls under that category._ _I'm not a romance novelist and I don't write erotic fiction and… (I quote) " {fanfiction . net} _ does not accept explicit content, Fiction Rating: MA, and the rating is only presented for reference."

_So there you have it. Now stop bothering me with your repetitive and imbecilic questions. _

_For those that do __**not**__ bother me with repetitive and imbecilic questions (which is almost all of you, thankfully)… YOU ARE WONDERFUL AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING! I'm actually very nervous about this chapter so let me know what you thought._

_P.S. Sorry for butchering the Hogwarts school song. I can't seem to get away from absolutely horrid musical numbers.  
_


	75. The Results of Inequality

_**Author's Note: **__When I first started writing this chapter, I had a much more relevant author's note. I talked about holding a book club, and the oddity reading 'Reading Lolita in Tehran' in Iraq._

_ I mentioned Turkey was bombing us again._

_But that no longer applies as I'm in Iraq no longer. I know it's been a while, but I've been rather preoccupied. I'm moving again… (Ugh! I hate all the packing involved!) Perhaps my new location will be more conducive to EOMing. I just made my story a verb, huzzah! Keep an eye on the flag in my profile. Points to those who guess where I'll end up next! (No cheating if I've already told you… __)_

_And the drunken song James belts at the end is to the tune of God Save the Queen. If you don't know it, give it a listen on youtube. Or if you are American, you might recognise it as 'My country tis of thee.' Again, apologies for the ridiculousness. It can't be helped. My defence is that the marauders were drunk when they created it, so it doesn't have to be clever._

_

* * *

_

_**Chapter 75:**__ Results of Inequality_

_.  
_

"James!" she called eagerly, hastily passing through his office into his bedroom that evening. "James?" she repeated.

"Bathroom," he called back from the obvious place.

She walked over and spoke loudly through the door.

"James, my invitation to the Potions Symposium just arrived! I can bring a guest!" she said excitedly.

"What?"

"The International Potions Symposium in London! It's on the 4th!" She paused, waiting. "What are you doing?"

"I give you two guesses. Hint: it isn't number one."

She rolled her eyes. "Not what are you doing in the toilet, I meant what are you doing that evening. Can you go or not?"

"I never know my schedule that far in advance. I'll have my magic fully back by then so I'll be on call should Moody need me. But if I can't make it, ask if one of the lads can. Remus would enjoy it. Sirius would too though he won't admit it."

"Does that mean you _won't_ enjoy it?"

"I'll go if I can. Besides, I have to keep an eye on you and Belby. Make sure you keep your fancy for him under control."

Lily rolled her eyes at being teased that way, but blushed all the same.

"Would it be too soon after the full moon for Remus?" she asked.

"It's listening to lectures, how taxing could that be? Worst that could happen would be he falls asleep in his chair, but that's bound to happen to half the audience anyway, and they don't have his excuse."

"So you really don't want to go to this thing, do you?" she asked sadly, leaning against the door with a pout she was glad he couldn't see.

"I'm only teasing, heart. We'll talk about it later, yeah? Damned awkward trying to carry on a conversation when I'm dropping dung bombs."

"Alright," she said sadly, trudging off to his office.

It was silly of her, but she was disappointed that James didn't enjoy potions enough to be excited about the conference. She wanted to share her joy, but he could only support her at best. It was sweet of him, to offer to go with her if he could. He knew how much she loved it but his heart just wasn't in it. That wouldn't stop her from dragging him along, though. She smiled at the thought.

She sat in her chair and started working on her assignments. She was grateful she could compose essays so quickly, especially for Charms. Transfiguration… Lily hated to admit that it was probably her weakest subject, but writing essays about tranfigurative principles and theories wasn't difficult. When given time to think about it, she produced excellent work. When put on the spot and told to change a raven into a writing desk, well… perhaps it was arrogant, but she'd still be able to do it first and best out of her class, but put up against the marauders and her impressiveness dropped dramatically.

James must have decided on a shower as well, because he came out in a towel. She could see because she'd left the door to his bedroom open.

"Haven't seen you all day," he complained loudly to her as he searched for clean clothes. "You missed class."

"Only yours," she said. "Poppy hadn't come back yet."

"I assumed as much. Class was a nightmare today anyway. They were talking nearly the whole time and were asking the most unrelated questions. You'd think that there wasn't a war going on the way they behave. Idiot children. I'm teaching them important things and they're gossiping away!"

Lily didn't really appreciate James calling her classmates of her own year 'idiot children' but didn't comment.

"What about?"  
"Stupid things. My love life, for one, as if it's any of their damned business. How did it go in the Hospital Wing?" he asked, pulling on an old Wasps jersey.

"Not uneventful, but nothing I couldn't handle, thankfully."

He appeared in the doorway and smiled proudly at her, which caused her to blush and look away.

"You don't have patrols, do you? You're mine tonight?" he asked hopefully.

"No, I'm due in the dungeons. I'm afraid I'm Horace's this evening."

James' face contorted in disgust. "Never put it that way again. Positively revolting images just came to mind."

He shuddered and sat down at his desk, pulling some work towards him. Lily chuckled and leaned out of her seat to kiss him on the cheek. His face relaxed into an easy smile.

"So what will you be brewing tonight?" he enquired politely, though he might actually have been genuinely curious.

"I don't know. I'd love to try something really complex, a lot of medical potions are, you know. But I won't get my hopes up. It will probably be a general healing draught."

"Well, tell him for me that if I get a vote, you should make some burn salve," he said.

Lily smiled at him for the sweet thought.

"I don't think too many people are suffering from burns though, and we have to make what will benefit the greatest number of people."

"Just mention it anyway," he persisted.

She chuckled. "Will do."

.

She was actually quite eager to head down to the dungeons because although Slughorn had professed that he wouldn't be attending the Potion's Symposium in London, he had been to several in the past and could tell her what to expect.

"Good evening!" she greeted cheerfully.

"Oh. Hello, my dear," he said warmly from where he sat buried at his desk in a pile of parchment. Lily noticed that the cauldrons hadn't even been prepared yet, and they usually were by the time she arrived. "Sorry, I lost track of time marking these," he said indicating the great pile he was working over. "Without practical labs we've been doing twice as much theory, which means twice the essays," he sighed. Lily sympathised, and could only be thankful that James' workload hadn't increased that way.

"Go ahead and finish," she told him "I'll calibrate. Which ones are we using tonight?"

"Copper #2 and Pewter #3."

"What are we making?"

"General restorative, pain relieving, and sleeping draughts."

"Sleeping draughts?" she asked curiously. "I wouldn't have thought that would have been a priority."

"Well, we can't hope to heal all of them. Best we can do for them to heal on their own, according to Madam Pomfrey, is give them plenty of rest. Many don't sleep well anyway owing to their…" He gestured vaguely. "Various ailments. Really, I think it's just easier for her when they are sleeping peacefully than to see them awake and suffering."

Yes, Lily could well imagine that. Especially after the night she'd had. The sleeping patients were vastly less stressful than the waking ones.

She took down the wards that protected the supplies and checked the cauldrons for tampering as an added precaution. They were sound, so she set them up and arranged the supplies and ingredients, checking them against the inventory list.

"There are some more things missing," she reported, stunned that anyone could have got passed the new security measures.

She showed him the list.

"Oh yes, those. I used them in a lesson for my fifth years today. Forgot to record it."

Lily sighed in relief. "Thank Merlin."

They conversed easily as she began the brewing and he continued with his essays. She asked him about the Symposium and he'd told her that it's different every year, but always interesting. They reported the latest developments in potioneering and some notable potions that have been created since the last Conference, ones they think will have the greatest effect on the field.

Lily, unable to contain her girlish enthusiasm, couldn't help but ask more about Master Belby.

Horace smiled at her knowingly, which made Lily blush and return her gaze to the cauldron, though it didn't need tending at that moment.

"Quite taken, I see," he told her.

"I'm just very interested in his work," she told him. She remembered James' teasing and flushed even deeper, but thinking of him reminded her.

"I er… don't suppose there's any chance of brewing just a little burn salve?" she asked timidly, changing the topic.

"Why no, my dear. It's not on the list. Why?"

"Oh, a friend asked me to make the request, that's all."

"Which friend?"

Rather than say who, she chose the lesser of two evils and admitted, "Well, _I'm_ the one with the burns. Had a bit of a run-in with an igniad."

Slughorn looked at her appraisingly, and seeing no burns on her face and hands, his glance ran over the rest of her body, coming to the conclusion that they must be somewhere under her robes. It was embarrassing for both of them when his eyes returned to hers.

"Well, I might have a small amount in my personal stores," he told her.

It was obvious to Lily that there was no _might_ about it. He certainly _did_ have the salve but in typical respectable Slytherin fashion, he'd intimated that he _might _be willing to give it to her.

.

"So how's old Sluggy?" James asked when she returned to her rooms later that night.

"Busy. I did the brewing myself tonight. He was buried in essays and tests."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

"For me? Good, as I got to do all the brewing myself."

James laughed and shook his head. "Still sounds like a bad thing, to my ear. But speaking of, you'll want to come to my lesson Monday," he said, adding jokingly, "I know how you like to skive off my classes, so I tried to make this one interesting for you. Try to tempt you to show up for once."

He knew as well as she did that those circumstances had been out of her control, but she let him carry on anyway, as he seemed to be enjoying himself.

"Oh?" she asked, sitting next to him on the couch.

He handed her his recently finished lesson plan. "In honour of you, Evans. A lesson on poison detection."

"Really? For me?"

He nodded. "I was trying to think of what I should do, but my mind wandered towards you, as it so often does, and it hit me. Potions. Evil potions. Horrible, nasty, unpleasant and disgusting—"

"Yes yes, alright," she interrupted. "You charmer, you." She said, feeling an immediate stab in her heart, remembering Roo. Did James not see it?

"I knew you'd be touched."

"Who wouldn't be at the thought that their lover associated them with things evil, horrible, nasty, unpleasant and disgust—"

James cut her off with a kiss.

He pulled away, looking in her eyes and stroking her chin, smiling. "Disgusting." He kissed her again. "Thoroughly disgusting." He moved to her cheek. "I don't know how I stand looking at you." He kissed her eyes. "My repulsive little thing." As he continued his dalliance, Lily couldn't help but think that those had been the oddest and least romantic sweet nothings she'd ever heard, but she appreciated it anyway. He'd made his point. He didn't think she was repulsive or disgusting at all; otherwise he wouldn't be doing what he was currently doing. (And she _loved_ what he was currently doing.) She was touched that he associated her with potions, and had designed a lesson just for her. Poison detection was certainly relevant, but a bit too soon all the same.

She heard him sigh as his hands skipped over where he knew the burns were, and she sat bolt upright, remembering.

"Oh!"

James looked disoriented and guilty. "I didn't get you, did I?"

"No, but Horace had some burn salve which he gave me."

"He _had_ some?"

"Just in his own personal medical kit. Really only enough for one person, so it wasn't enough to hand over to the Hospital Wing, he said."

"And he just gave it to you?"

She nodded. "Wasn't that sweet? Help me put it on."

"He just _gave_ it to you?" he repeated, more sceptically this time as he helped her out of her shirt.

"Well, I told him I'd help him out sometime with something, as a thank you." The typical trade. She'd used it on the Potions master before in order to get some Felix Felicis from him, which had probably saved her life.

"As payment," James clarified. "He never does anything out of kindness. It's always about what's in it for him."

"Why shouldn't he? It makes sense. Quid pro quo."

"Yes, well he should have just given it to you for nothing. That's what any decent person would have done."

"Potions are valuable these days. I was lucky he gave it to me at all."

"I can't believe you are defending him."

"Of course I am. He's being smart."

"He's being a Slytherin."

"Of course he is, but that's not a bad thing."

"Not a bad thing? Lily, since when have any of your encounters with Slytherins been a _good_ thing?"

"Plenty of times. Miranda Gasche was fine. And… and John… of course."

"He was planning to kill you."

"He tried to save my life."

"Well he didn't try very hard, did he?"

"He threw the necklace where he thought I'd never find it." It was only cruel irony and luck that had put her in the lake that day. "And he tried to get me out of that Hogsmeade trip. And he tried to stop his friends from casting the killing curse. So you can't say that all Slytherins are bad. Horace especially has been a wonderful mentor to me, agreeing to help me when he knows it's dangerous for his position."

"Dangerous for his position?"

"To apprentice a mud—" She changed what she had been going to say mid-word so that it came out, "Mud-gle born."

"It's only harmful to his position because he's the head of _Slytherin_. Any other Head of House wouldn't care."

Despite their argument, he had unbuttoned and removed her shirt with incredible care, even dipping his fingers in the salve and gently massaging it into her skin, his eyes intense with concentration as he spoke.

"But he's making a concession for me. Surely that has to say something. He's—"

"Don't say he's a good man."

"He's kind to me, I was going to say. And I think he genuinely likes me."

For the first time he looked up into her eyes, but soon looked back down again. "I do too," he agreed, dipping his fingers in the salve again to apply more. "And that's what bothers me."

"Why?"

He shrugged. "I don't know why. It just—" He shook his head. "I don't know."

Her breath shook a bit. "Don't ask me to stop brewing," she pleaded quietly.

"I'd never," he replied instantly. "You're to be the Order's Potion's Mistress once we're out of recession." He paused. "And I know how much you need this, so…"

She smiled sadly. "Thank you."

"Just, be careful with him, yes?"

"Horace would never hurt me, or anyone else for that matter."

"I know. Just promise me you'll be… vigilant."

She nodded.

"Alright. Let's get your back…"

x

Sirius couldn't for the life of him remember why he'd accepted the invitation. All the ancient purebloods offered invitations to tea and everyone always accepted it as a good idea, but never actually showed up to drink the stuff.

And yet there he was.

The manor was large and impressive, and he felt a momentary prick of jealousy thinking of his own small flat of only two floors, three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a sitting room, kitchen, and a (largely unused) dining area. His balcony wasn't much of a balcony compared to this one, which was practically an esplanade along the outside of the house. The view here was much nicer as well.

'_But at least I'm not a decrepit old fool… yet,_' he consoled himself, taking a sip of tea as he eyed the two ancients to whose conversation he was a reluctant auditor.

"I tell you he is fascinating," said Postlethwait.

"How dreadful," Sirius remarked, out of sheer contrariness.

"I beg your pardon?" asked Petticand, blinking far more rapidly that Sirius thought necessary.

Sirius sighed. "I tell you I'm quite fed up with fascinating people. Everybody is 'fascinating' these days and I find them a dreadful bore. It's tedious people who are a true delight. They have a spark of originality. They dare to be underwhelming."

"That doesn't make any sense at all."

He looked at the frail wizard curiously. "But sensibleness has _long _gone out of style. And as you can see Mr. Postlethwait, I am a man of fashion, if nothing else."

Petticand looked Sirius up and down, noting his wardrobe as being slightly too modern with a hint of muggle. "I wasn't aware that this was the fashion, these days," Petticand remarked, indicating the immaculately cut dress robes. Sirius snorted. Wizarding fashion had barely changed in hundreds of years.

"Oh no, you see it's not fashionable anymore to be fashionable. Hence my fashion statement."

"I think you just like to be a contradiction, that's all it amounts to."

"Not at all, I despise all things paradoxical."

"But _you_ sir, are a paradox."

Sirius sighed dramatically, looking tragic and put upon. "And that is at the seat of my self-loathing."

Postlethwait harrumphed, irritated that the conversation was going nowhere, and suspecting he was being teased, he left without any farewell to the infuriating handsome man. Sirius chuckled in triumph at his well earned excuse to leave.

As it happened, he _did_ enjoy being a contradiction. He didn't want anyone to really know who he really was. Was he a pureblood supremacist or a promoter of muggleborn rights? The answer... was none of their damned business.

Sirius shoved his hands in his pockets and strode out of the manor far enough so that he could apparate away.

But to where? Three things needed for apparition were destination, determination, and deliberation and he didn't have any.

Shrugging, he continued to walk until a better idea came to him, removing a cigarette from his case and lighting it.

He didn't fancy much going back to London, not yet. His mind skipped around to other possible places. Edinburgh? No point. Back to Belgium? No, he didn't think so.

Holding the fag in place with his lips, he burrowed into his pocket to retrieve the mirror.

"Prongs," he called listlessly.

It was a moment before his friend's face came into view. "What's the mischief?" James greeted.

"Nothing, that's just the trouble," Sirius confessed. "My feet itch, I think I'll go away for a while."

James' eyebrows rose in surprise. "Away? Where? How long? You're coming back, right?"

"Of course, of course. Just need a change of scenery, that's all." _Need to clear my head away from all this._ "Don't know where I'm going just yet, but when I get there I'll let you know. I'll have the mirror if you need me."

James nodded, then his head tilted. "You _are_ alright, yes?"

Sirius smiled wanly. "Fine, Prongs. Just fine. Just a bit of cabin fever."

"Alright."

"Let the lads know?"

"Will do. Bon voyage," said James.

"I don't speak French," Sirius insisted.

James grinned. "Of course not. Don't know what I was thinking."

.

He took a portkey out of England, and after that did a fair bit of illegal apparition and illegal portkeying, but he was never in one place long enough to be caught.

After hours of hopping around the planet, he finally ended up on Dog Island, 13 kilometres Northwest of British territory Anguilla. It was much farther than he'd expected to go, but it was the closest he could stand to be. It was a private island, no one inhabited it just then, though there were some facilities a wizard could prevail himself upon. Sirius made a mental note that if he ever needed a place to hide, this small island in the Caribbean would suit rather well.

x

It was the end of lessons Tuesday, and Lily was scheduled to help Professor Sprout in the greenhouses. It was a private Herbology lesson really, as she'd missed out on so many, so Pomona lectured as Lily helped her in her tasks, clipping, trimming, potting, and _fertilising…_

'Well buried in thestral shit indeed, she thought, remembering Basil's expression for her, though she was certain he hadn't meant it literally, as the case proved to be now. Though it might not be thestral, she mused, it could have been dragon. It reeked enough.

Despite it being the end of February, she broke out into an unladylike sweat from the exertion, not improving matters where smell was concerned.

Only when it was time to get cleaned up for dinner did Sprout release her, and she went gratefully. Yes, she learned a lot, but she'd had more than enough dung for one day.

.

"Hello, heart!" James greeted when she entered her rooms, stepping in to sweep her into a hug. The embrace lasted for exactly one and a half seconds before he pushed her away. "Yugh!"

"Charming, I know."

"You smell like shit."

"That's _precisely_ what I smell like," she said matter-of-factly. "I bet you can't name the faeces' species though."

"Gotta be dragon or hippogriff or something. Eugh." He took another several steps back and guarded his nose.

"I was in the greenhouses with Sprout all afternoon, re-potting plants."

"Bound to thrive, with fertilizer that potent."

"I think that was the point, yes," she said. She wasn't gagging as James was. She'd got used to the scent by now… mostly. "I'm going to shower."

"Please do," he said, casting freshening charms.

"You're supposed to conserve your magic for _important_ things!"

"This _is _important, trust me."

She huffed and continued on towards the bathroom.

"We're going out for dinner so be quick!" he called after her. "But _thorough_!" he emphasised.

"We are? Since when?" she asked, stripping off her malodorous garments.

"Since I decided half an hour ago."

.

When she got out of the shower she felt human again, and not like a walking dung-bomb. In fact, she was rather surprised James hadn't made that ref—

"Hallo, Dungbomb!" he greeted.

Ah. There it was.

"Took you that long to think of it?" she said, shaking her head and making tsking sounds.

"Oh I thought of it, but it wasn't worth drawing in breath to say it."

She rolled her eyes.

"You've had an owl, by the way."

"Have I? And you didn't read it?"

"It's from the post office in Hogsmeade. Muggle post originally. Came from Surrey." He handed the envelope to her. "Didn't read it though." He pointed this out as if it were an achievement to be congratulated.

"I'm so proud of you," she commented sarcastically, then glanced down at the envelope. "Petunia," she breathed, her fingers ghosting over the stamp before carefully opening the letter.

_Dear Lily,_

_I realise it's been a while since I've written, but since your visit you've been on my mind. Seeing as it's your favourite holiday, I thought I'd wish you a happy St. David's Day._

_ I hope to see you again soon._

_ Petunia._

Lily read it twice, torn between smiling and frowning. It was such a short letter, yet she took the trouble to write and post it. She'd have thought that Petunia would have at least had something more to say. Still, she was pleased that, despite Petunia ignoring her Welsh side and trying to be entirely English, she had wished Lily a happy St. David's Day.

Actually it wasn't St. David's Day _yet_, but still the thought was a touching one.

_I hope I'll see you again soon._

Was that Petunia's proud way of asking her to come see her? Was something wrong?

No, she mustn't jump to conclusions, but she couldn't ignore it either. Petunia wouldn't have sent her a letter because she was bored and had nothing better to do.

Granted she'd send letters to anyone else for that reason, but not her odd magical little sister whom she'd all but ignored for the past three years.

Lily couldn't shake off the feeling that this was a good thing. Before coming to Hogwarts, she and Petunia had been extremely close, even after she received her letter and there was some lingering bitterness, it hadn't destroyed their relationship. It was only their parents' deaths that had ripped them apart.

But now, with this letter, Lily dared to hope that Petunia had finally, _finally_ forgiven her. She truly had her sister back again.

"You're crying."

Lily looked up at James. "Am I?" she asked, genuinely surprised. He trailed his forefinger down her cheek, collecting the moisture, then brought it near to his eyes to inspect it, rubbing his forefinger and thumb together.

"Yes. It appears you are."

She smiled. "It's Petunia."

"So I gathered."

Still grinning, she held out the note for him to read. He took it and scanned it quickly, then frowned darkly.

"What?" she asked.

"How do you know Petunia really sent this? She's never sought you out or asked you to come to her before. It might not be from her."

"I assumed you'd checked it before I read it."

"I scanned it for dark magic, it could still be forged. What if it's someone pretending to be your sister to lure you out of the castle?"

She shook her head emphatically. "Impossible. Only Tuny would know that St. David's Day is my favourite."

"You are certain no one else knows?"

_Apart from Severus? _"No one," she assured him.

"And just who is St. David?"

"Patron saint of Wales."

"Never heard of him."

"Not surprised," she said tartly, snatching the letter back, rather put out that he'd dampened the mood.

"So, what do you think she wants?" he asked, pulling his cloak around him and holding hers out to help her into it.

"I might be going out on a limb here, but I _think_ she wants to see me," she said sarcastically.

He rolled his eyes. "Yes, but why? Don't get me wrong I think it's a wonderful thing to stay in touch with Petunia, but why now, two months after you visited?"

"I think that perhaps she's forgiven me," she said quietly, heading for the portrait hole.

James threw on his invisibility cloak and followed her out to the nearest secret passage.

It wasn't until they were safely inside that he resumed the conversation. Strange how being sneaky and concealing their actions had just become second nature.

"Forgiven you? For what?"

"Haven't we had this conversation before?" she asked.

"No, I tried to have this conversation but you dodged. What has she forgiven you for?"

"For being a witch," Lily sighed.

"That's not something you need to ask pardon for," said James, offended.

"My being a witch complicated things for our little family," she said simply, not going into the details of the strained relationship, Petunia's attempt and later rejection to attend Hogwarts, and of course…

"She blamed you for your parents' deaths," he said, seeming to finish her thought aloud.

"If I hadn't been a witch I wouldn't have needed supplies for Hogwarts, and if I hadn't needed supplies for Hogwarts I wouldn't have been in Diagon Alley and if I hadn't been in Diagon Alley my _parents_ wouldn't have been in Diagon Alley, and if they hadn't been in Diagon Alley they wouldn't have been killed by Death Eaters." She said all of this with a cold, matter of fact voice, something she certainly couldn't have accomplished in September.

She still felt guilty, absolutely, but she felt she was a stronger person than she had been.

Again, giving the uncanny impression to having read her thoughts, James voiced, "And do _you_ blame yourself?"

"Well, it's true. If I hadn't been a witch, they most likely would be alive today."

"But you're being a witch isn't something within your control. You know that."

Feeling suddenly very uncomfortable, she turned the tables. "What about you?"

"That _was_ my fault," he said stonily, knowing exactly what she was talking about. "If I'd had the sense of mind not to apparate I wouldn't have led them directly to her. My mother is dead because _I _fucked up, because _I_ wasn't thinking. It's something that I could have prevented."

His stride grew harder, as if he wanted to pound out his temper using his feet against the stone. This was a topic she'd never felt comfortable raising with him. She'd always assumed he'd bring it up when he was ready, but months had gone by without a word. She didn't know if James had ever properly grieved for her.

Now that it _had_ been brought up, she didn't know what to say that could possibly comfort him. Perhaps there was nothing. Lily was reminded of Sirius, up at the top of the tower just after Roo had died. She'd been so lost, there had been no solace, and Sirius had said _'There's always revenge…'_

"We need to get that map out of the Ministry," she said firmly.

"Yes," he agreed through clenched teeth. That map had been the reason the Death Eaters had found and killed Mrs. Potter, after all.

"And then _we_ can do the tracking and killing," she said fiercely.

"Yes," he growled.

She knew they were both thinking the same thing.

"Back to the castle?" she asked.

"Yes."

They turned around and started heading back the way they came.

They shouldn't be off gadding in muggle villages when there was work to be done. They had a map to retrieve, and spent the rest of the night planning their Ministry break-in.

.

.

.

"Sirius back yet?" Lily asked later in the week.

"Not yet," James replied, frowning over his work.

"When's the last time you spoke to him?" Lily wasn't exactly worried, but she did want Sirius to come home. They were still toiling over the annoying matter of removing that map from the Ministry, and she'd just had a little idea she wanted to ask Sirius about.

"When we both talked to him in the mirror two nights ago," he answered. "I think he'll be back soon, if that's what you're wondering."

"Why do you say that?"

"He sounded bored. However much Sirius needed some peace and quiet, he needs action and adventure more. That'll never change. Idleness doesn't sit well with him."

There was a minute of quiet before she pointed out, "Full moon tomorrow."

James nodded solemnly. "Yet another reason I think Padfoot will return."

x

"Lads, you really don't have to stay," Remus mumbled. He knew that in November James had said they were never to go out again, and yet they had. Still, he had to concede it had been a wise idea, and said as much.

The others agreed more readily than Remus had thought they would, only to find that they meant to keep him company in the Shack. James had tried that and it had been disastrous. He didn't want to put them through that. It would be better if they left him alone. He'd done it before, he could do it again.

"Nonsense," said Sirius. "A month isn't complete without it. We're old men with formed habits. We can't go changing them now. That would be cruel," he smirked.

Of course it had been a joke, but Remus certainly _felt_ like an old man. His bones ached, the joints especially, round the full moon. He felt as arthritic as a man in his 90s.

"We could go somewhere else, like last time," suggested Peter. "Away from Hogwarts."

"Around muggles, so that if they _were_ unlucky enough to encounter me they'd have no means of escape?" Remus pointed out. "I think not."

"What's wrong with the forbidden forest? It was good enough while we were in school."

"We had far too many near misses," he said sternly, regretting every one of them. "I could have killed someone last time…" Remus could only be eternally grateful that Lily had miraculously been an illegal animagus and had transformed in time to save herself.

Remus looked towards James, his only possible ally in this. They would go by what James decided, they always had.

The small sitting room of the Shrieking Shack fell silent as they waited for James' judgement.

Finally, he spoke. "We stay together, and we stay here."

Knowing the decision was final, Remus tried to protest anyway. "Prongs, I truly mangled you last time!"

"Padfoot's here now," James reasoned. They all knew that while he enjoyed being around them all, it was really Sirius' animagus form that kept him in line. Remus wouldn't go so far as to say that having them around allowed him to keep his mind, though he was certain that's what his friends thought. No, it was just that the wolf was put into more playful spirit with play-mates around. He was more open to suggestion and to follow the pack, as it were, instead of going off hunting on his own. James was probably correct in thinking that he'd behave differently with Sirius there. Even at the time, Remus hadn't thought it wise to lock up a wolf and a deer in the same room all night, but James had been adamant about not leaving him alone.

"There's nothing I can say to convince you to leave?" he asked weakly, knowing the answer.

"No," his three friends replied at once.

He hung his head and sighed, but deep down he was incredibly thankful for their inexplicable loyalty to him.

x

She'd spent the night anxiously in her room, not sleeping well at all. She couldn't help wondering how they were doing, if Remus was alright, if the one of the others had been hurt.

Lily had been reluctant to ask if she could come along, because she knew the answer would likely be no. Still, she wished she could be there with them. She'd made the arguments in her head, imagining what their rebuttals would be. 'I'm an animagus too, he can't hurt me.'

'A werewolf can still rip a deer to pieces.'

'James is a deer.'

'We call him Prongs for a reason. He can at least defend himself to some extent.'

'Peter can't.'

'His size protects him. He can easily hide.'

Anything she could come up with they would be able to parry it somehow, even though she knew that they were simply keeping her out to protect her from a danger they themselves confronted. It was sexist, it was… sweet. It was certainly annoying.

The only argument they could make to which she would willingly concede (but they wouldn't because they'd think it would offend her) was that it was the oldest Marauder tradition, and she had no right to intrude on it. Lily felt very strongly about traditions, and it was for that reason and that reason alone, that she didn't ask them.

Which is why she tossed and turned all night, before finally giving it up as a lost cause and going to the sitting room to work on her extra project for Charms. She'd discussed doing some added work with Flitwick, and she had been working on it when time allowed. She thought she had the theory down, but the trick was, she couldn't test it.

Nostradamus kept her good company as she had ironed out the theory. The next step would be to get something from each of the boys. Blood would be best, but she didn't fancy explaining that one to James. Hair might do, or perhaps their signatures. Those could be somewhat powerful with magical contracts, though mostly people made vows for that sort of thing. Still, she knew that a signature, on the properly charmed parchment, was potent and binding. But Lily had to wonder how much intent was a part of that potency. If they didn't know what or why they were signing, would it work? Perhaps if love and trust were at the forefronts of their minds when they did.

In any case, she thought that writing their names on a piece of paper would go over _much_ better than asking for blood or hair, so she left for the library to look up the appropriate spell-work for magicking parchment in that way.

Lily had done some fiddling with parchment the year before, when she'd been charming her notes so that no one could read them but her, so she knew which book she was looking for. It was simply a matter of using James' cloak and slipping into the library unnoticed. Child's play, really. Once she found the volume she'd have a few hours to master the spell and make sure she could apply it to a spinning ring…

.

All of the boys were sleeping when she got there just after dawn. She'd been careful to use a silencing charm so as not to wake them. The couch had been pushed to the far wall, a fresh slash in it releasing what little stuffing it had left.

Lily mended the rip and inspected the sleeping man on it. Not too bad, all in all. She did what little mending she could and covered the bare Remus with a blanket she summoned from the upstairs bedroom and charmed it for added warmth. It was too cold to be sleeping naked in a house with neither heating nor insulation…

He twitched a bit, and stretched out once he was covered, but didn't wake. No doubt he was too exhausted.

Next, she inspected the three sleeping animals on the floor. Rat, dog, and stag looked well enough, though the stag did have a new dripping scratch along his ribs. It was clotting already, but the small trail of blood down to the floor made the hair sticky and matted. She cleaned the hair, running her fingers over the finished fur.

This _did _wake him, his head lifting so quickly that Lily had to duck out of the way of the rising antlers.

"Careful with those," she joked quietly.

The stag blinked wide, beautiful brown eyes at her.

"Hello," Lily greeted, and reached out to stroke behind his ear.

The stag looked to the couch and sleeping Remus then back to her inquisitively.

"He's fine," she assured him, and kissed the tip of the animal's nose. It was an odd feeling beneath her lips, the soft leathery skin.

He flapped his ears, perhaps in acknowledgement or appreciation, before nuzzling her cheek. Smiling, Lily wrapped her arms around the soft furry neck as the stag rested its head on her back. For a moment they stayed that way, her hugging him, stroking his fur as she did so.

She wanted to chuckle. She was on the floor, hugging a deer. If anyone could see her now, they'd be thoroughly confused. It didn't feel quite like hugging James, the same way that cuddling with Snuffles wasn't the same as embracing Sirius. It felt more as if she was snuggling with a very beloved pet for which she was responsible.

Soon enough her knees began to ache from kneeling awkwardly on the hardwood floor, so she had to adjust her position.

"Lay your head," she whispered after having found a more comfortable arrangement. It was clear that they'd be sleeping for a time longer so she settled against her exhausted ungulate and prepared herself for a few hours on the floor.

Sighing deeply, she looked around the room. Her boys. Well… most of them. She continued stroking the stag's neck as she indulged in morose and nostalgic memories of Roo. She'd kept herself busy, but it hadn't been as much of a frenzy as it had been after her parents. Still, the bone-deep exhaustion never left her these days. Sirius had made a cogent point the other day when he'd said she did too much. She used to rely on potions to keep her going. Now she seemed to be running purely off grief and determination. While she might give off the impression of being indefatigable, the reverse was actually true. She was so tired. She felt she could sleep for a month and still not be rested enough. It was just as well, she couldn't take that long of a break anyway. The war wouldn't stop so that Lily Evans could go on vacation. She knew perfectly well that Frank and Alice and James and probably everyone else was just as tired, which is why she didn't complain.

She resented still being in school, however. While everyone else got to devote themselves full time to the war, she still had homework and Head Girl duties. Well, she imagined that James, Minerva and Dumbledore were just as stressed, as they had their own work to do as well. Still, it would be a relief when she graduated.

Idly, her fingers traced the antlers, causing the stag to twitch beneath her in his sleep.

Still so much to do, and so little hope of ever getting it done. There were so many loose ends, so many things to keep track of in this war it was hardly fair.

Lily snorted at her puerile train of thought. Since when had life been fair?

She yawned greatly, her sleepless night catching up to her, and snuggled against a protective stag, Lily fell asleep.

x

Sirius woke with a start, his canine ears picking up little whimpers. His first thought was Remus but a quick check assured him that his friend was sleeping deeply. Taking a sniff, he noticed immediately there was a fresh addition to the group, and looking over it was obvious what had been whimpering.

She was there. Sirius hadn't seen her since Prewitt's interment. He wondered, hoped rather, that things would have changed since then. He approached slowly, hoping that he'd been gone long enough and far enough away to reduce that horrible bond. He held his breath and took another step, realising that he'd unwittingly transformed back into a man. She and James lay together. James must have changed back at some point as well, for they made a loop with their bodies, each lying on their side, their heads pillowed on the other's thigh.

Sirius sighed with relief. Only the subtlest tug pulled at him, easily ignorable, and it wasn't until he was right upon her.

She continued to whine softly in her sleep, like a dreaming pup. Gently, Sirius nudged her with his foot. She woke immediately and looked at him.

"Bad dream?" he enquired.

She nodded. "The same one. Roo. He was…" She paused, apparently reliving something. "I think I'm going to be sick."

Sirius stepped aside to clear the way to the door, and lifted his arm to indicate the exit. "By all means," he said coolly.

She must have wandlessly cast a cushioning charm for James when she scrambled to her feet and out the door, because his head, rather than thudding to the wooden floorboards, rested gently an inch or so above it, cradled by some invisible pillow. Still, James must have noticed the difference and stirred awake. Rubbing his eyes he sat up and looked around. Seeing Sirius, he asked, "Where's Lily gone?"

"Bathroom," he replied simply.

James nodded and yawned hugely, stretching no doubt stiff limbs before looking over at Remus. Sirius extended a hand and helped James off the floor. Without thinking, Sirius reached into his pocket and withdrew his cigarette case and matchbox. He'd been smoking more lately, and didn't know why.

"Fag?" he offered, holding the case out to James.

His brow lined as he shook his head, yet after Sirius had a few drags James reached over and took two, putting one between his lips and one behind his ear, before handing the case back. James didn't often smoke, but whenever he did he gave the impression of being plaintive, because every exhalation sounded like sigh.

The smell must have woken Remus. He moaned and sat up.

"How you feeling, mate?"

They'd asked the same question every month for 10 years. Each time Remus would come up with some groaning sarcastic reply.

"Fucked," he moaned. "Without being kissed."

He and James were chuckling at that just as Lily came back in. She smiled and said, "We can fix that."

James, to his credit, twitched only slightly at this before stopping himself, watching as Lily approached the couch and kissed Remus' cheek. "Better?" she asked.

Remus snorted. "Sure. All better," he replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

She sniffed. "Last time I kiss you."

James raised his hand. "I'd like to say that I fully support that decision."

Chuckling to herself, she skipped over to James, tucking herself under his outstretched, inviting arm. He squeezed her to him with such force that the pair staggered sideways a step.

A small squeak from the floor was followed by a louder shriek. "Peter! We're so sorry!"

She instantly bent to the floor to scoop up the rodent, which Sirius could only assume they'd trod on.

"Wormtail's tail suffers again," Sirius commented to himself musically, flavoured smoke escaping as he did.

Lily was pouting as she crooned over the injured rat when it suddenly wasn't a rat anymore. Peter transformed in her hand rapidly growing larger and larger until his weight became too much for her and the pair went crashing to the ground.

"Steady on!" cried James as they went down, consequently bowling him over and he too fell. Remus sat up abruptly from the couch to watch the spectacle with worried eyes.

"Lily?" he asked uncertainly. His concern was understandable, as the girl had pretty much vanished beneath the much larger Peter. It couldn't be a healthy situation so Sirius took it upon himself to intervene.

"Get off you great lump," he barked affectionately, pushing Peter with his foot, forcing him to roll off a watery eyed Lily who clearly had the wind knocked out of her and was having trouble drawing breath. James was getting to his feet, and made an effort to help Lily up, but she indicated with ineloquent sign language that she was opting to remain on the floor for the present.

"You fell on me, I fell on you. Fair's fair," Peter stated.

Once she had got her breath back she turned on her side to face Peter. "I think I broke my tailbone," she said, simultaneously laughing and crying.

Sirius knew what Peter was going to say before he even started. He even considered warning him not to, but was too curious as to what the consequences would be.

"I could kiss it and make it bet—_**wu-ooph**_!"

"_Sorry_, Wormtail," James apologised unfeelingly for kicking Peter in the middle. "Didn't see you there," he added; his excuse just as unconvincing as his apology.

Peter was still sputtering when Sirius told him matter-of-factly, "You ought to have seen that coming, you know."

"I _did_ see it coming, I just couldn't _not_ say it, you know?"

Sirius shook his head amusedly. He'd been kicked a time or two for making off-colour remarks as well, and understood perfectly where Peter was coming from.

By this time James had succeeded in peeling Lily off the floor.

"Alright there, heart?" he asked.

"I'll live," she said with a smile, though it was clear it was more of a wince. She gasped unexpectedly and a look of sudden fear crossed her face. She quickly patted her robes and withdrew various things from her pockets, and seemed reassured nothing was broken.

"What's all this, then?" Sirius enquired. It looked like just a pocket full of litter, but as she had been so clearly concerned about it, it must be something quite interesting, or would be once she'd finished with it.

"A little extra project for Charms. It'll be brilliant if I can get it to work."

Ah yes… _That_ little project.

x

"What is it?" questioned Remus.

"You'll find out if I succeed," she replied evasively.

"It's not illegal, is it?" James asked. Of course he'd ask that, Lily thought.

She hesitated before answering, "No, it's not," then mumbled out of the corner of her mouth, "_technically_," quietly so James wouldn't hear.

A deep baritone chuckle from beside her caused her to turn to Sirius, who reached out and tugged on a lock of her hair, making her blush. He already knew about it. She'd mentioned it to him a few weeks ago when she was just starting to form the theory behind it.

"It involves all of you though," she continued, spreading out the contents of her pocket on the end table. Apart from metallic coloured bits and bobs, it was mostly just parchment and quills. "If you would all just sign your name on the parchment, and write your initials next to it three times…"

James shook his head, though he was smiling. "Not a chance, Evans," he said affectionately, though quite serious. "Not signing a bloody thing unless you tell me what this is all about."

She looked around the room to the other men, who looked just as determined to be uncooperative as James was, save Sirius who was grinning at her smugly, enjoying the fact that her plans were being thwarted. She pouted at him. He knew bloody well what she was doing and he'd thought it a grand idea at the time, so there was no reason for him to be so ornery.

Though Sirius must have quickly bored of irritating Lily, so chose to irritate his other friends instead.

He shrugged ostentatiously, exuding supreme apathy and confidence. "I'll do it," he said languidly, swaggering over to the table. Before bending over the parchment he added to the marauders pointedly, "Because _I_ trust her."

Ooh, but he was a wicked man! Lily thought with a smirk. Making the others feel guilty about not blindly going along with her experiment because Sirius seemed to be. Of course he wasn't blindly going into anything, but still, the other three marauders looked discomfited.

Peter was next, though Lily suspected it was more to please Sirius than it was a display of trust in _her._

She leaned over to make sure they'd got it right.

Sirius' handwriting was neat with a touch of flourish. Peter's was smaller, blockier, but legible.

_Sirius Orion Black -SOB_

_Peter Everard Pettigrew - PEP_

"S. O. B?" Lily asked, sputtering with laughter. She'd known that Sirius' middle name was Orion, but it had never struck her before that his initials were so humorous.

"Wosat?" asked Peter.

Still giggling, Lily replied, "Son of a bitch."

"Oi!" said an offended Peter, pretending he'd been insulted, but no one paid him any heed.

"I am at that," agreed Sirius, smiling. Lily, who had 'met' the late Mrs. Black's portrait, could only concur. Though 'son of a bigot,' or 'son of banshee', would have worked equally well.

The three of them next turned to Remus. Sirius lifted a smug eyebrow, Peter smiled entreatingly.

"It's for a good cause," she said, batting her eyelashes innocently at Remus, who eventually caved and signed as well.

_Remus John Lupin - RJL_

It was thin, spiky, angular, and Lily couldn't help but be reminded of scratch marks. She kept this observation to herself, however, as she didn't think voicing the comparison would do Remus any good.

She added her own after his.

_Lily Marie Evans - LME_

James stood resolutely alone on one side of the room, while everyone else stood on the other. It looked almost as if they were getting ready for a very unfair fight. Four against one.

James didn't even look at his friends. His eyes were on her, suspicious, probing, and yet at the same time she could tell that he felt guilty for not signing, for not trusting her.

Eventually he sighed, and dropped his head. He began walking across the room, and for a moment, Lily thought he'd given in. He hadn't though. Instead of stopping at the table he continued on to the door, pausing only to open the door and look back at her.

Shaking his head, he asked with quiet sincerity, "Why do insist on keeping everything from me?" Shaking his head again and sighing, he removed a cigarette from behind his ear that she hadn't even known had been there, hidden as it had been by his messy hair. Somehow it was instantly lit. Lily had only had time to marvel at such careful wandless fire magic before he was gone from the room, leaving in his stead a quickly dissipating cloud of spicy smoke.

Lily stood there feeling entirely guilty, and yet, she felt at the same time that had she told him about her project he would have tried to stop her. Using illegal portkeys was indeed illegal, but there was nothing stopping her from simply _creating_ them. The idea had been to use the spinning rings as portkeys. When aligned properly it wouldn't take one to a certain location, but to one of the other rings. It was a complicated theory, and she'd been immensely proud of it, having researched portkey magic and magical metallurgy. Now all of the excitement had drained from her project.

And what was more, she meant it to be a gift for him when they finally got that map out of the ministry… A surprise. Something they could use to instantly appear at each other's side since the Ministry would no longer be able to track them.

It was Sirius who interrupted her thoughts with a most annoying "_I told you so._"

"Oh, shut it," Lily snapped. Indeed Sirius _had_ commented on this problem in her and James' relationship before, had encouraged her not to hide her experiments from him even if it did leave him angry.

Not telling him and leaving him hurt didn't seem to be much of an improvement, however.

"And don't look at me like that, Sirius. You are just as bad as I am and you know it!"

"He's not _my_ lover," he pointed out with annoying disdain.

"Wait, do you know what it is?" asked Remus, pointing to the parchment they'd just signed.

"Of course I do," Sirius answered, turning his condescension towards the enquirer. "You think I'd sign something without knowing what it is first?" And with that, he sauntered out of the room.

Remus was so angry at Sirius for the joke at his and Peter's expense that he would have stormed out of the room too if he'd had the energy. Unfortunately he was still bedridden, so he could do nothing but huffily lie on his other side, turning his back on the room, which he did. Lily thought Remus must not be best pleased with her either, as he'd assume she'd been in on the joke.

She looked to Peter, expecting some angry remark or bitter expression, but he was smiling understandingly at her. "Et's go, Lily-love. Give 'em a mo' to stop takin'emselves so seriously. Shops open yet, dya'reckon?"

"Probably not."

"Well we'll have a bit of a stroll, then," he said, cheerfully, cocking his elbow out to the side for her to take. With a small thankful smile, she put her arm through his and they walked out of the Shack. There was still snow on the ground, but it wasn't fresh. Winter had been late which meant that it would still be a while before spring.

Walking with him was easy. They were the same height, so their arms easily aligned, and they had similar length of stride, which meant they easily kept pace with one another. Their stroll through the village was unhurried, but vigilant. Both had their wands out. (Peter was conveniently left-handed, so neither of their wand-arms was impeded.)

"It's just a charm's project. I wanted it to be a surprise," she told him, knowing that she wasn't telling the whole truth of the matter but wanting someone on her side. Sirius didn't count, as one could never tell whose side he was actually on, apart from his own, of course. Still, if she had to guess, from what she knew of him Sirius would always support James, no matter what. He might verbally spar with his best friend, play the devil's advocate against him, but when it counted, no matter the fight, there really wasn't a doubt that Sirius would be with James all the way.

"Don't you fret," Peter said. "They'll come round. They always do. They went at it like this in school too. Prongs'll bawl out Padfoot for keeping secrets. Padfoot'll thump Moony when he keeps him in the dark. And Moony will guilt trip the pair of them for not confiding in him." Peter snorted. "Hypocrites, the lot of them," he said affectionately.

"And what about you? They aren't cross with you when you keep secrets?"

He shrugged. "Haven't got any."

"I find that hard to believe," she said good-naturedly.

"Nuffin anyone would care about," he explained.

"I'm sure they would," Lily said, half consolingly, half warningly.

He shook his head, confident in his answer. "Padfoot gets up to real mischief, what with his pureblood group and his own need to be bad from time to time. Moony's always hiding what he feels ashamed of 'cause of his furry 'ittle problem. Prongs knows lots from being an Auror, so he hides that, and he hid you too, back before Christmas. Me?" He puffed out a sigh. "Nuffink. I'm not some pureblood playboy with bad habits, I'm not a werewolf, ashamed of the fact I breathe, and I'm no auror, nor 'ave I a secret lover." He said this last bit with evident regret. "I'm just a clerk at an office. I live with me mum, for Merlin's sake. I'm this close to being a drip."

"Except the insignificant matter of your being part of a secret organisation to fight against an evil dark wizard bent on destroying the wizarding world as we know it," she added jokingly.

"Yeah, 'cept that," he agreed with a grin. He looked back at the ground in time to kick an abandoned snowball which was more ice than snow.

x

Sirius sat next to his friend on the back porch, and for a time they simply smoked in silence.

"That wasn't wrong of me," James said, though it was mostly a question.

"Depends on what you're talking about," Sirius replied.

"My leaving like that."

Sirius huffed out a cloud of smoke as he thought over his answer.

"It's not wrong to want her to tell you what she's working on," he allowed. "But I'd say it's not a good sign that you don't trust her."

"I do so!" James argued, offended.

Sirius shook his head. "No, you don't," he said with assurance. "Your first question about her project was under the assumption that it was dark and illegal."

James couldn't refute this. "Well, it's only natural to make that assumption if someone refuses to tell you what they're doing."

"Perhaps," Sirius agreed. "If you are interrogating a suspect," he finished on a sour note.

James ruffled his hair agitatedly. "But I know she experiments. And why else would she keep it from me?"

Sirius shrugged. "Perhaps _she_ doesn't trust _you_," he wondered idly.

"What?" James' eyes were wide, but a moment later they narrowed in suspicion. "You know, don't you."

"She told me, yes. But then again, she knows I wouldn't try to stop her."

"Well you ought to," James grumbled. "You shouldn't encourage her. And what is it, anyway?"

Sirius rolled his eyes, ignoring this last question. "Well if Filius Flitwick sees it as a worthy project, I don't see why _I_ should put a stop to it."

"Filius?"

"You _did_ hear her mention it was an extra credit project for Charms, didn't you?"

James swore under his breath. "Well if it's all above board then why won't she tell me?"

"Perhaps it was meant to be a surprise."

That suggestion seemed to hang in the air just like the smoke.

After a time James swore again. "But she _does_ experiment. It's not always…" He stopped, sighed, and scratched his head with his free hand. "She keeps a lot of things from me. I don't even know what they could even be about."

"Sounds like a problem," Sirius remarked.

"She _doesn't_ trust me," he said in dawning realisation.

"And you don't trust her," Sirius reminded. He flicked his expired cigarette into the slush. Standing, he said, "That's something you'll have to sort out between you."

James hastily put out his fag and scrambled to his feet. "So what is it she's doing, anyway?"

"You want me to spoil the surprise for you?" Sirius asked, feigning shock.

"Yes," James replied at once.

Chuckling, and shaking his head in amusement, he told him.

"But that _is_ illegal!"said James to justify his previous mistrust (but only after he unsuccessfully tried to conceal his initial approval and enthusiasm for the idea.)

"_Using _an unregistered portkey is illegal. She's just _making_ them," Sirius pointed out.

"Typical Lily-loophole," said James, sounding long-suffering and yet proud at the same time.

"I think she's meaning to give them out after you've removed the Map from the Ministry. You know, a sort of hurrah."

As they walked back into the room, the first thing he noticed was that Lily and Peter weren't there. Looking to the divan he saw Remus had fallen back asleep.

The parchment was exactly where she had left it. After considering it for a moment, his bespectacled friend bent over it and signed his name.

_James Charlus Potter- JCP_

"Don't tell her you told me," James said quietly, so as not to wake Remus.

Sirius nodded acquiescence. Perhaps if she saw James had signed it 'in good faith'(or so she would think), she would have the confidence to tell him the truth about other things. Of course Sirius knew the real reason he was signing, though. James didn't want to be the only one without a port-ring.

x

Lily couldn't deny the giddiness she felt when she saw that James had added his signature. He wasn't there, but the parchment was. He, Sirius and Remus must have gone off somewhere while she and Peter had been on their stroll. Telling Peter that she really should be getting back to the castle, she left, stopping off at the infirmary first thing.

For all that she wanted to have her Herbology NEWT, Lily could easily concede that she felt her time was better spent helping Poppy in the Hospital Wing then under piles of fertilizer.

"Oh!" Poppy cried upon seeing her. "Lily dear, I'm glad you're here. Miss Thornburrow looks to be needing to re-grow the bones in her foot."

"But we have," Lily began but Pomfrey cut her off.

"Yes but it's been there ever so long I'm thinking it's past its expiry date."

"I can test it," she offered eagerly.

"Yes, thank you," Pomfrey replied distractedly, waving Lily toward the rather pitiful storeroom.

The bottle of Skele-Gro stood alone on its shelf, looking rather neglected and friendless (though the skeleton-shaped bottle didn't exactly look all that affable anyway). She grabbed it, starting to dust it off with her robes before she chided herself for it and used the charm.

"I'll be back," she told Poppy as she sped from the room on a course for the dungeons. She tackled her task eagerly, taking out smaller glass jars.

With potions, it wasn't enough to smell the mixture to see if it has gone off. Expectancy can vary so the only way to test to see if a draught is still viable is to deconstruct the potion. This was something they'd only started talking about in 7th year, but Lily had made it a point long before that to be able to deconstruct any potion she learned to brew. It was almost more challenging that creating the potion in the first place.

She worked only with a small amount, not wanting to waste any of it if it were still usable.

Once one has separated the potion ingredient by ingredient then one can test if each part has lost any of its magical properties or become spoilt.

Skele-Gro was actually a brand name, and was sold only by Rubens Winikus and Company Inc. and so the brewing instructions and ingredients were not in public domain. However, Slughorn had assigned a special project in their fifth year, in which everyone in the class had to choose a potion and, knowing its effects, try to recreate it. It just so happened that she had chosen this particular potion for that project and had successfully recreated it, so she knew quite well what went into it and therefore how to likewise deconstruct it.

She had been working for a few hours and was well underway, having separated it almost completely and nearly ready to test each particular property, when Horace Slughorn walked in. She knew immediately it was he because when forced to work by herself in the dungeons, she pushed the tables away from the wall so she could stand behind them, so she wouldn't be working with her back towards the door. It made her feel vulnerable that someone could come in on her turned back while she was busy working on something.

"Good afternoon, Professor!" she greeted cheerfully, for she really was in an excellent mood. This was the most challenging potions related work she'd been given in a long time and she was enjoying herself thoroughly.

"Oh. Hello, my dear. I wasn't expecting you." He crossed the room to lean over to see what she was working on.

"Testing to make sure the Skele-Gro is still good. Madame Pomfrey needs it for a student."

He grinned proudly. "Yes well, I see you have everything in order."

"Yes sir."

He gave her shoulder a pat and shuffled off. When Lily heard the dungeon door squeak open, she called out, "Professor?"

"Yes, my dear?" Slughorn asked, poking his head back into the room.

"Didn't you want something? You must have come down here for a reason."

"Oh, yes! Yes of course I… You distracted me. My, I'm growing forgetful in my old age. Perhaps I ought to think of retiring."

"Surely not, Professor! You're not even 90." Lily said, in honest surprise. Who else would they get to teach it? Her mind automatically thought how wonderful it would be if Belby came to teach at Hogwarts, but then she realised she wouldn't even be there next year. In that case, she hoped Belby _didn't_ come… she wouldn't be able to handle the jealousy of having just missed him.

"I'm 92 this August, my dear," he said, then added a little more conspiratorially, "And what with the way things are…"

Lily was startled. He was just so fat she hardly noticed how old he was… but now that she looked, he was quite aged. All those times she and James had chuckled over his not wanting to bend over to floo, or walk to another part of the castle they had attributed to laziness and being so out of shape. She felt guilty now, knowing how old he truly was and that his complaints of a bad back and rheumatics were probably true. Now that potions to relieve those aches were no longer available she felt doubly sorry.

"I understand," she said, turning back to her work. "Hogwarts won't be the same without you."

"I'm afraid that Hogwarts won't be the same next year no matter what happens," he said sadly.

That was probably true. What with the Muggleborn Registration Act, Lily doubted any muggleborns would even attend next year.

She returned to her work much less enthusiastically as Slughorn pottered about with the cauldrons and stirring rods.

"Professor!" said a familiar voice. "Good I was looking for—" James stopped mid sentence when he saw her there too. "What are you doing here?"

Lily thought that she had a better right asking him that than he had, as she was more frequently in the dungeons with very good reason. She could only wonder, if not to look for her, why he had descended so far into Slytherin territory. As his greeting revealed, he must have been searching for Horace, but why?

Before she could ask him her question or answer his own, Slughorn replied for her.

"Very complex deconstruction for the Hospital Wing. Nothing that would interest you, my boy," he said, very nearly smugly. Lily was put out, as she had been ready to explain everything to James, the intricacies of the work and the excitement of the testing, but wouldn't be able to now.

James seemed to realise he'd just been condescended to, but didn't say anything about it.

"I'd be happy to explain it to you sometime," Lily offered.

"Thank you, Evans, I'd like that," he replied, though she suspected it was only to show Slughorn that he wasn't completely incompetent or uninterested when it came to potions. "Actually, I came down here to ask you a few questions."

"Really?"

"Yes, are you very busy?"

Slughorn stood straighter from the midst of his pile. "Oh. No. Would you care to come to my office? Far more suitable a place for a discussion."

Lily watched carefully as Horace put everything back in place, making sure that he put the correct wards up.

"Now then," he said, looking slightly out of breath from the activity. "Shall we?"

"After you, Professor," said James, stepping aside to let Slughorn exit first. James took the opportunity to glance at Lily, giving her a nod before leaving. She supposed she shouldn't have expected a wink or a smile, what with their little row from that morning. She frowned, wondering if that was the reason why James hadn't come to _her_ with a question about potions. Arrogant though it might be, she didn't think that it could be because James didn't think her knowledgeable enough. He knew she was a potions genius, why hadn't he come to her? Was it as some sort of punishment? Was he not talking to her, perhaps? Well, she'd find out soon enough, anyway, there was no point deliberating over it when there was important work to be done.

Lily continued on with her work, so far all 13 parts she'd tested were still active. With only ten left she started getting more and more nervous with each one as if it were a countdown. She was afraid she'd get to the second to last ingredient only to find it had gone bad… When Lily finally arrived to the second to last element she was so intent on her work and nervous that it would turn out negative that when the silvery phoenix appeared she nearly dropped the sample she was working with in surprise.

It had been an announcement of a staff meeting that evening, which was odd, as he didn't usually send inter-castle messages via patronus unless it was urgent Order business. She suspected that perhaps he had a better way of getting in contact with legitimate staff-members, and that the patronus was just the simplest way of finding _her_, wherever she was, to inform the Head Girl of the meeting.

Lily took a deep breath, and completed her tests, enormously relieved that everything came back positive and that the Skele-Gro was still effective.

She made quick (but careful) work of tidying her area and stepped back up to the Hospital Wing to give the bottle back to Madam Pomfrey, who was just as relieved to hear the good news.

x

"Damn it, where is it?" James muttered, flipping through pages of the old text. "Maybe it's not this one at all. Check the shelf, would you Padfoot? I've got to have something here."

Sirius didn't move to look, but James didn't really mind. He was just keeping himself busy. He'd been bouncing back and forth between topics, at one stage he might be talking about poison detection for his lesson on Monday, the next moment he was going on about Lily Evans and trust.

"And looking back I realise that she _never_ wanted to talk about things. It was always me prying things out of her. Ah here it is! No, no, wrong one," he said slamming the book shut. "And why shouldn't she confide in me? I mean… do you think things will change when I..." He trailed off, patting his pocket before pulling the box out of the pouch and opening it to stare at the ring, considering.

Sirius looked shocked and oddly disgusted by the sight at first but quickly recovered his cool and went back to browsing.

"Bit old hat, don't you think?" said Sirius, trailing his finger across the spines in the bookshelf as he idly scanned the titles.

"You talk of it like it's some trend," said James disapprovingly. "It's a timeless institution, Padfoot. How can it be passé?"

Sirius shrugged. "I don't see anything up here."

"Bollocks. I'll have to go ask the Slug, then."

"Why not just ask the lady? She'll no doubt be able to tell you."

"And admit that I don't know?"

"I don't think it will come as too much of a shock to her," Sirius remarked with a smirk. "I'm sure she'd love nothing more than to bore you with all the details, anyway."

"Yes. She wants me to go away with her next weekend," he sighed. At Sirius' quizzical look as to why that was a regrettable thing, he added, "_To a Potions Symposium_."

Sirius snorted at this. "Oh lovely."

"I know. Anyway, I'd better find Slugasaurus." James closed the ring box and tossed it to Sirius, who, after he caught it, put it down so quickly it looked as if it burned him just to touch anything associated with marriage.

"It's just a ring, Padfoot," said James censoriously.

"Precisely, Prongs," Sirius answered back with equal disdain. "It's just a ring, _not_ the answer to all your problems."

James glared at his friend and left his office to find Slughorn.

.

He'd been surprised to see Lily there as well, but he knew logically he shouldn't have been. He'd got her into the habit of telling him whenever she was brewing in the dungeons, just so he'd know where she was, so to see her there without warning was a bit of a shock. It didn't last though. Soon enough he found himself in Slughorn's office, being forced to stay there long after his question had been answered, listening to the man go on about 'the good ol' days.' "Not that you'd remember them, of course," he added. "You're barely out of Hogwarts yourself."

"Six years ago," said James with a frown. He'd been trying to think of a good excuse to leave without being rude, but his desire for politeness was quickly dissipating.

He'd about to open his mouth to take his leave, when the fire turned green and two memos popped out of the floo. One zoomed to Horace, and the other to James.

"Sudden Staff meeting," said Slughorn unnecessarily, as James was reading the note for himself. "I do hope it's not another security threat," lamented Horace.

"Doubt it," said James, standing up. If it had something to do with the safety of the castle, surely Dumbledore would have alerted him immediately. Still, he didn't like it, and left Slughorn's office under the pretext of having things to do before the meeting.

.

When he entered the sitting room, he saw Lily leaning over the table, her wand moving quickly over something small James couldn't see, her mouth muttering a steady stream of enchantments. Not wanting to distract her, he approached quietly, but in view so she didn't start and hex him. (It had happened before.)

If he didn't know that she was fashioning port-key jewellery, he wouldn't have had a clue as to what she was doing. It seemed that she was magically melding two metals together. No… _reversing_ the process, it seemed. She was taking them apart.

She must have realised he was there, but couldn't break her eye-contact or stop the spell she was saying, but with her non-wand hand she gave him an (understandably) abstracted wave.

It really was quite impressive to watch her work. She was so intent, her eyes so focused, her wandwork so precise. Her table, stationed so close to the fire, caused tiny drops of perspiration to glisten above her lip and brow.

When she finished (it seemed like it had lasted forever, but was really less than a minute) she lifted her head, sighed, and wiped her face. As she approached him she bent her neck around from side to side to work out a kink. "Any idea what the sudden meeting is about?" she asked.

"No, but we'll find out soon enough." He checked his watch. 20 minutes, which meant they'd leave in ten. "What's this then? Meddling with matters metallurgical?"

"I bet that was fun to say."

He grinned. "It was, rather. Meddling with matters metallurgical," he repeated, just for the amusement.

"As a point of fact I _am _'meddling with matters metallurgical," she replied, grinning at the alliteration. "Designing jewellery."

"Jewellery? That's a bit… frivolous, at a time like this, don't you reckon?"

"Of course it's not _only _jewellery. And just out of curiosity, if you were to wear a ring, another ring, I mean, on which finger would it be?"

"I take it this is strictly a theoretical question?" he joked, then examined his hands. His family ring circled his right thumb. He'd thought it very heavy when he'd first starting wearing it (which was only after his father died) but now he didn't even notice the extra weight. In fact the few times he'd taken it off left him feeling as if his right thumb had suddenly grown less substantial than his left.

"Hmm… I wouldn't mind one on this finger," he hinted, pointing at his left ring finger.

"Alright!" she said, and measured the girth of that finger with a piece of string. She either completely missed the insinuation, or chose to ignore it and did so with consummate skill.

"So you're making me a ring, then?" he stated, looking over her shoulder at her work on the table, trying to get her to tell him about her project.

"You clever thing," she said with a mocking smile. "Just don't touch it. I'm not quite sure what will happen at this stage."

James immediately thought of splinching, and unconsciously took a step back and moved his hands between his legs to protect his more treasured bits. Nope. Definitely no temptation to touch… the metal bits, that is. The treasured bits on the other hand… well, they would have to wait until later anyway, he rationalised. He and Lily both were due at the staff meeting soon.

"No chance of you telling what it is?" he said with false cheer.

Her smile drooped into a pout. "I know you were upset with me earlier, but it's a surprise and I really do think you will like it."

"And just what other _surprises_ have you got in store for me, eh? And will I like _them_?" he asked intentionally, implying he knew that this wasn't the only thing she wasn't telling him about.

The wide-eyed shocked look on her face was enough to know that he'd hit upon something. She thought he knew what he didn't. Well, he knew she was hiding _something_, he just didn't know what.

He thought she might duck out of the room without giving him an answer, but she was a Gryffindor and admitted (though sadly) "Probably not." There was definite disappointment there, which James decided instantly wasn't fair. If she was doing things he wouldn't like, then _he _should be the one disappointed in _her_, not the other way round. But the next moment, he decided he'd got it wrong, for now it seemed that it was defeat he read on her face, not disappointment.

"I know I should tell you, should have told you sooner. I've just been avoiding it because… well frankly I'm afraid you won't take it very well." She began stepping back, away from him, putting distance between them. She didn't look frightened, she looked… lonely?

James, honestly, was getting annoyed at trying to read her constantly changing facial expressions for clues instead of being told forthrightly what issue it was exactly that she was dancing around.

"But I don't have time to tell you now. Later" she said. James wasn't going to let her back out from saying it now that she'd gone that far. He opened his mouth to say this but she interrupted him. "After the meeting. Trust me, even if we did have time, you wouldn't want to go into the staffroom with this on your mind."

He was mollified (though now exponentially more curious) seeing that she wasn't trying to dodge completely. "Is it very bad?" he asked sincerely.

She sighed and shrugged helplessly, though beseechingly at him. "I'm… afraid, to be honest."

Afraid of his reaction? Or was she frightened of the thing itself, whatever it was? Maybe she knew some crucial piece of information pertaining to the war that didn't bode well for their side. Maybe she'd simply kept some very bad news from him and it had nothing to do with her experiments at all. Maybe she was ill. Seriously ill. Maybe she hadn't recovered from that cursed necklace after all.

How quickly his mind took to worrying about worst-case scenarios.

"Are you ill? Seriously, you have to tell me now."

She shook her head. "After the meeting will be soon enough, I promise. Nothing will change drastically between now and then." She attempted to smile, but the effect was rather more disheartening than cheering owing to its failure. "We have to go, James. We'll be late as it is if we don't run."

At that point she scuttled out of the portrait hole, not waiting or looking back.

She really _was_ afraid.

_James_ was afraid.

x

Lily was indescribably nervous when she first arrived at the staff meeting, wondering if she should start with little things first and lead up to the bigger issues, or just get the large ones out first and let the rest follow. Out of everything, she thought what he would find the hardest to forgive was her consorting with a known Death Eater. Even as she stood there she began thinking that perhaps she oughtn't tell him about Severus after all. She had _plenty_ of other material to throw at him. In fact, taking Severus out of the picture made the rest of it seem easier.

However, thoughts of Severus and… and other things were driven out of her head a few minutes after the staff meeting began.

"I've received what appears be a threatening letter," said Dumbledore, quite calmly. Lily could only assume that the parchment he held up before his nose was said letter. "It reads," he said, before pushing his spectacles up to the bridge of his and clearing his throat. '_Get the muggleborns out of Hogwarts. _Signed_, a Death Eater.' _He then he adjusted his spectacles by the earpiece and lowered the parchment. Honestly, the Headmaster could remember the one line of the letter, or if not, he could certainly have relayed the gist of it without making such a scene. She knew the Headmaster had a sense for the dramatic, his flair, his wardrobe attested as much. In fact, Lily found the whole thing rather amusing, and had convinced herself that Dumbledore had meant it as some sort of off-colour joke. That he brought everyone there just for that was ridiculous. On top of that, she doubted it had actually said 'muggleborn,' and suspected the Headmaster had edited it to be more polite.

She looked around the room for confirmation that this was all a lark, but saw that she was the only one who didn't seem to be worried. The way they carried on, it was as if they'd never received a death threat before.

Upon reflection, Lily concluded that most of them probably _hadn't_, and therefore took this piece of hate-mail very seriously. Lily, on the other hand, had received several such missives, particularly when news came out that she hadn't died in Dover as Voldemort had thought. In fact, she scanned every single bit of post she received under the assumption that it would most likely be cursed. She knew James had read countless owls addressed to her, during those days especially, that he hadn't shared with her, simply because all the death threats had become repetitive and tedious.

The fact that everyone was so solemn was ridiculous. As far as death-threats went, it wasn't all that threatening. She'd read vastly more descriptive threats in her time.

"Headmaster, I'd be very much surprised if that is the first such letter you've received. Why concern yourself about this particular one instead of tossing it into the fire where it belongs?" Lily asked.

Dumbledore nodded at her, kindly acknowledging her point. "I chose this particular letter to read simply because it was the most time efficient and the penmanship was the most legible. Of course, we have received many colourful missives of a similar vein. The point is, perhaps this is a trend we should not ignore. Now, I'm certain that many of the owls sent are from people who don't seriously intend the school harm, and are just releasing some spleen." The letter was being passed around from staff member to staff member so they could read the ridiculous thing, frown at it in distaste, and pass it along.

"But I don't doubt that some of them are legitimate threats. In truth, this is the first one to be signed in such a way, and I suspect that it's true that this particular parchment came from a Death Eater.

"A Death Eater who is polite enough to use the term 'muggleborn,' Headmaster?" Lily asked sceptically. It wasn't until the letter was passed to her to inspect that she grew as pale and solemn as the rest of them, though for a different reason.

She recognised that writing. Suddenly it didn't seem like just another empty threat but a genuine warning.

_**Get the muggleborns out of Hogwarts.**_

_** ~A Death Eater**_

Lily didn't speak after that. It was only after she'd shakily handed the letter over to Professor Vector that she became aware that the Headmaster was watching her reaction quite carefully. Damn him. Dumbledore would have recognised Severus' handwriting as well. It was possible that Minerva and Slughorn and Filius remembered it also, and everyone else who had taught him when he'd been in school.

No wonder he took it as a legitimate warning. Perhaps Voldemort had chosen Severus to write it especially for that reason, because of his distinctive handwriting that most the staff would identify.

James wouldn't, however. He and Severus were in the same year, and she knew they hardly would have been study buddies, or written each other notes in class. There was no reason James should recognise that writing.

And yet, somehow he did. Lily didn't know how she knew that he knew, but something in the way he looked at her from across the room, she could just tell.

"What if getting them out of the castle is precisely what they want?" said James, breaking eye contact and addressing the room at large. "I mean, of course that's what they want, but what if their aim is not to rid Hogwarts of muggleborns to make the school 'pure', but because they want to lure them out of the castle and its protection. If they go back to live with their muggle families, they'd be easy targets."

At this he gave Lily another pointed look which stabbed at her heart. _He'd said the same thing about Petunia's letter, that it might just be a lure to get her out._ It made Lily even more nervous for her sister, and the desire to go see her increased in a sudden wave.

x

James recognised the writing as the one from the note he'd read, but never delivered to Lily. Instead, he'd burned it in a moment of anger. It had come from Snape, telling Lily that she'd have been better off playing dead, and that cruel advice had driven James mad. And there it was again, a very similar bit of advice. It was so arrogant for being so understated. As if all he had to do was communicate a few simple words and be obeyed.

That might have been what irked James the most about the missive. Not a trace of bad form. Not a rude word, no vulgar language, lewd threats, not even an 'or else…'

Because the note to Lily had been much the same, it lead James' to believe (against his will and natural inclination) that Snape wasn't trying to be malicious. James reluctantly considered the idea that perhaps it _was_ more dangerous for muggleborns to be at Hogwarts, that there was some plan and the castle was the target.

_The Muggleborn Registration Act?_

That seemed possible. If they were in the castle, the 'Ministry' (rather, Voldemort's lackeys who have infiltrated MLE) could simply corral them all together in one room and mark them all at once, or worse (and quite possibly), take them all away.

"This has happened too many times, Albus. I think it's time to tell the parents," opined Pomona Sprout, who was understandably concerned, having the most muggleborns in her house.

"Only the muggleborn parents? What do we do? Give them the option of taking their child out of school?" asked Minerva. "And what if Potter is correct in thinking that they simply want them where they would be most vulnerable?"

"Any students going home would have to be escorted by a qualified witch or wizard," Filius piped in. "Perhaps add security wards to their homes."

"I'll help," Lily instantly volunteered. Of course she would, it was a cause close to her heart and she seemed to have a penchant for ward-casting. But James recalled the incredibly odd ward she'd cast on the area of the forest for his lesson. She'd confessed how that had weighed on her, and Rupert Ferris had been rather concerned, _and_ with the inimicus wards, James suddenly remembered. Yes, Lily had gone to the Hospital Wing when she'd cast those wards as well because Ferris was worried about her health, Pomfrey too.

Was she putting herself at risk by warding?

"But… but she's…" James fumbled for something to say that would be sufficient reason to keep Lily out of it. He couldn't bring himself to say _sick_ , didn't _dare_ say muggleborn… "Just a student!" he finished, knowing it was a rather pitiful excuse but he was desperate. It took only one word for him to realise that had been the _wrong_ thing to say.

x

"What?" Lily asked in disbelief. He hadn't just said that, had he? It must have been someone else, surely. _James_ of all people wouldn't…

Yes, she realised. Yes, he would. Why he didn't want her involved she didn't know, but what was perfectly plain was that he'd used her inferior position to get his way, to denigrate her.

The world seemed to come crashing down around her.

_Just a student._

"Does everyone else think that?" she asked. It was oddly familiar, people not trusting her with the task of warding, except this time round no one seemed to be on her side. By the way some looked at her (and how others didn't) it was clear that most thought her unequal to the task, because she was _just _a student. A _muggleborn_ student. They obviously didn't feel they could discuss this sensitive subject with an actual mudblood student in the room, so she'd remove herself.

"I guess I should go, then," she said, and managed to leave the room with as much dignity as she could scrape together after that humiliation.

She managed not to slam the staffroom door on her way out, but suspected that her anger might have broken the windows. The sound of shattering glass muted through the door accompanied her rush of accidental magic and a small sense of release, so she supposed it _had_ been her. Visualising the room very carefully she pictured the windows and cast a _Reparo_, hoping it had worked. If not, Dumbledore could fix them.

The first thing she did was march right to her room and write a very angry letter to Severus. The ink blotted in several places but she didn't care. The tear stains, she minded a bit more but chose to ignore them.

I read your little 'note.' Did your master make you write that or did you come up with it all by yourself?

Never did mince words, did you?

Well ,thanks for what I'm sure was well-meant advice (Who knew you were so concerned for Mudblood welfare?) but I'm afraid I'm going to have to disappoint you and your friends and stay at Hogwarts, as I have nowhere else to go. Prick.

She didn't sign it, but she didn't have to. She was in an awful mood and Severus was a nice and easy target for her fury and hurt. He was a Death Eater. He was part of the biggest problem in the wizarding world. Fuck him. Fuck James too.

She snapped unfairly at Ebony when she sent her off, her own appalling behaviour making her even angrier at the world. She stomped right out of her room, not really knowing where she was going until she got there.

After she said the password, (May 11th, 1960) she collapsed on the couch and burst into tears, wishing her best friend were actually there to comfort her.

.

A few hours later when she'd worked off her temper and had a good long think (and cry) she finally returned to her room. She heaved a sigh of relief to see James wasn't there in the sitting room waiting for her. Lily didn't have enough energy for what she needed to say. Tomorrow would be soon enough.

She unfastened her cloak and threw it onto the couch before starting on the buttons of her blouse. She sat down to remove her stockings but didn't stir from her seat once she'd got them off. She just stared morosely at the flickering fire and brushed away a rogue tear.

_Just a student_.

She _was_ a student. That was unarguable. But _just_ a student? That's all she was? No, she was an Order member, at least. She knew that James didn't think that she was_ only_ a student, but he used the fact that she was to push her down.

That was the inescapable part. He had finally done it. She had been waiting for it. And it had finally come... more painful than she had imagined. As long as he was her teacher, their relationship would always be unbalanced. They'd never be equal, he'd always feel he would have the final word, because he was in a figure of authority over her.

That's why student/teacher relationships never worked, she realised. It's not because it was taboo, it just goes against common sense. How can people be in an equal and healthy relationship when one person occupied a position of power (and exerted that power) over the other?

Nostradamus had hopped up onto the sofa next to her and she petted him distractedly. When he butted his head against her thigh she sighed again and rose to her feet and shuffled off for her bathroom. She didn't make it there.

James was sitting on the bed, his hung head resting in his hands, his elbows on his knees. He looked up at her when she entered, his face looked pained.

"I'm sorry," he said immediately. He stood, took a single step toward her and repeated the apology. "I'm sorry, Lily."

She didn't want to do this, not yet, not now. Not ever, really, but it had to be done.

"James, stop," she said, holding up a hand. "Please go."

"No, wait, just let me explain."

She shook her head. "What is there to explain?" she asked a little desperately. "Yes, you said it. It hurt. You know it hurt. You apologised. It doesn't change the fact that it's true. Even if you didn't mean it to be insulting, you meant to _put me in my place_."

She'd said this all in a breath, and she took a moment to take a few large gasps for air, which also helped her keep the tears at bay. If she started crying, she'd never finish what she needed to say. That and she didn't want him to know just how badly he'd hurt her.

"Until graduation..." she began, found herself faltering, then tried again in a stronger voice. "Until graduation, call me Miss Evans."

James eyes grew wide and incredulous. "You're not... you aren't suggest-"

"Until graduation, yes, I am."

"But I said I'm sorry!"

"It doesn't matter. It's over."

"Just like that?" he spouted angrily. "I make one slip up and we're through? Is that how it is? You know people make mistakes! You especially! Do you know how much _you _hurt _me_? You don't even _talk_ to me!" he accused. "Who knows how many secrets you are keeping from me? You know how much that hurts? You telling Remus or Sirius. Don't think I don't know!" he spat. "You think you don't hurt me when you don't come to me? I should be the _first_ person you tell anything, and yet I'm always the last to know, that is if I ever find out at all!"

"You want to know why?" she shouted, her patience gone.

"Yes."

"You want to know why?" she repeated, more hotly.

"Yes!" he shouted back.

"Because you're my teacher! There! I said it! Happy?"

James closed his eyes and shook his head in confusion. "What? How does that—what?"

"Because if I do something you disapprove of, I'm not just risking your personal disappointment, but your professional disappointment. As a teacher…" _As an auror. _"How do I know that one day you won't punish me for something you don't like?"

"What? Lily don't be—"

"No. When you were in school you broke rules all the time with Remus, Sirius and Peter. Do you think you could have got away with even half those larks if one of them was a professor?"

"I wouldn't do that!"

"Wouldn't you? Don't forget you've already given me detention for not telling you what you wanted to know!"

"That was a long time ago, and you weren't talking to me!"

"So you used your position of authority over me to get what you wanted! How is that fair? When it comes down to it, you will always have the last say, because at the end of the day, you have power over me. I can't handle that."

James took a moment to take several angry breaths.

"I can't help that I'm a teacher at Hogwarts, so we'll have to think of a way around it," he ground out, trying to be patient.

"I already gave you my solution."

"That's _not_ a solution that's giving up!" he bellowed. "You are _not_ giving up on me, Evans!"

"No," she said softly. "I'm… postponing you. Us."

"Postponing?" he asked in disbelief. "You're putting me off until it's more convenient? Things don't work that way. You can't… you can't just…" His arms were flapping around in a useless effort to grasp the words that evaded him.

"You've never been with someone that wasn't your peer, your equal. Your _partner_. You and Agatha Argyle were equals, completely."

"Don't bring her into this," he barked. "She has nothing to do with us."

"She has _everything _to do with us!"

"I fail to see how."

"When Moody assigned you a mission, did you ever tell him not to send her, for any reason?"

Silence.

"No, you didn't. Because you thought of her as an equal and you don't think of me as one. You think of me as a responsibility, not a partner."

"That's not true," he denied, but the shocked expression on his face revealed that it was, and that he'd only just now realised it.

She was crying now, the pain of it all too much to bear. "I am treated as inferior by all of wizarding society. I cannot… I _refuse_ to be inferior in my closest, most important..." She lost her train of thought when she started fumbling for words. "I just can't be inferior here too. I _can't_…"

She imagined that when he was no longer a teacher, when he went back to being an auror and they were no longer at Hogwarts, it wouldn't be a problem. That is... if things hadn't grown too awkward between them, or they hadn't become so distant as to make getting back together impossible. She wanted to ask him, beg him, not to stop loving her, but didn't dare.

Her own pride was more important. If she didn't have pride in herself, how could she hope for anyone else to respect her? She had to draw the line somewhere, and it stopped when it came to her heart. If she couldn't stand up for herself, how could she possibly stand up for her fellow muggleborns? If she couldn't fight for herself, how could she fight in the war?

Lily didn't try to stop him when he embraced her tightly. In fact, she welcomed that small comfort.

"Please…" he begged. "I can change."

"I don't _want_ you to change," she told him, her voice muffled by the fabric of his robes. "I need time to move out from under you. You're smothering me."

James must have thought she meant literally, for his vicelike grip around her loosened. Strangely enough, she found that she _could_ breathe more easily. When she looked into his eyes though, she knew he'd taken the comment as it was intended.

x

Remus had spent Sunday resting in the Shack. Sirius had told him to come back to London with him, but Remus had refused, wanting to recover where he wouldn't get in anyone's way. It was quieter in the Shack. More peaceful, somehow. It seemed the only place in the world that was actually _his._

His stomach, however, refused to be ignored forever, and that evening he found himself following his nose to the Hogwarts kitchens, which, Remus decided, was probably the happiest place in all the world.

He thought it rather bad form to stuff himself without even saying hello to his friends to he went first to James' office. It was a Sunday, after all, and Remus recalled James' keeping office hours on Sundays.

He knocked on the door.

"Come in," bid his friend rather ungraciously. Remus pushed the door open.

"Hello, mate."

James was working away at his desk, writing furiously, re-dipping his quill in the inkpot at a rapid rate.

"Last minute lesson plan?" Remus enquired.

"No, this is Ministry stuff," he answered shortly.

Taking the hint, Remus began backing away. "Guess I've come at a bad time. Lily around?" he asked.

The quill stopped for just a moment while he answered, "No," before it took up its pace again, though not as confidently as before, because he immediately made a mistake and slashed out the line angrily and started over again.

"She in her rooms?"

"I couldn't say," his friend replied, it would have come across as lightly had his jaw not been so tightly clenched.

Remus frowned. "What is it? Where is she?"

"We've split up," James said simply, with a casualness Remus knew he didn't feel.

Remus gaped. "But... but... but you can't have done."

James shrugged.

Remus gawped for a time. What was the girl thinking? Clearly she wasn't. Remus could understand petty jealousy or hurt pride but this was taking things too far. It was clear by James' reaction that he and Lily hadn't had the conversation that Lily said they would. Instead they had... split up? Out of every couple Remus had ever seen, he thought that Lily and James were just about the perfect match. They had matching animagi forms for Merlin's sake! Didn't they know how rare that kind of compatibility was?

Finally Remus managed to push a word out of his throat and passed his lips. "Why?"

"Same bloody reason we should have never got together in the first place," said James, then added in bitter undertone, "apparently." He was only pretending to write now, his quill was poised over the parchment but he didn't get a word down.

"Because you're her professor?"

James sneered. "Just so."

Remus could tell that this conversation was irritating James the longer it went on so he hastily changed the subject.

"Fancy a pint? We could meet the lads at a muggle pub in London. Might do you some good to have a drink."

James' brow furrowed as he considered it, then he stood and strode powerfully for his cloak, putting it on over him with a mighty flourish.

"Bloody damned right I'll have a drink," he muttered furiously.

.

"What's the matter with you?" Sirius asked James disapprovingly.

"Nothing!" said the bespectacled wizard, throwing his arms into the air carelessly. "I'm in the pink, an absolute peach, never better. Where's my drink?"

Sirius was looking on at his friend's performance with arrested curiosity.

"I'll get you one," Remus offered, standing to go to the bar. Sirius stood as well.

"I'll go with. It's my turn for the rounds."

Once safely out of ear-shot Sirius inquired, "Who pissed in his pumkin juice?"

Remus grimaced, but knew that it wouldn't be long before he found out anyway. "He and Lily erm... are no longer together."

Sirius. stopped. dead.

"Why?" His voice came out rather ragged.

"It was her decision, I gathered. Murphy's. Four please," he said to the barman before turning back to Sirius. "Because he's her teacher."

Sirius frowned. "Really?"

"That's what James said."

"You believe that?"

Remus considered. "Yeah. I suppose I do. We all knew it was a bad idea. I suppose it's caught up with them."

The barman had drawn their draughts and they took two each and slowly made their way back to the table.

"James has split up with birds before," said Sirius, and Remus gave him a quelling frown. "I admit, though, I didn't see it happening this time."

"Neither did I. Neither did he, I suspect."

By that time they had reached the table and their little tete-a-tete ended.

The evening continued, everyone continuing to drink and pretending as a group that nothing was wrong.

No one spoke of the busted relationship and James certainly didn't admit to it but the fact was tacitly acknowledged when James openly flirted with a muggle woman at the bar and accepted a piece of paper with several numbers on it. It was significant, clearly, but what was equally apparent when James returned to the table was that he was clueless as to what to actually _do_ with those numbers.

Sirius, who'd had his fair share of muggle liaisons, explained to Remus in a whisper that it was a sort of code that muggles used to get in touch with each other. Most muggles had their own code to an apparatus they used to communicate with. It seemed very complicated to Remus and he didn't quite follow, but he got the general idea that it was the muggle equivalent of saying 'owl me sometime.'

Owls seemed ever so much simpler and was thankful once again to be a wizard.

"Told me to ring her," said James disdainfully, his words slurred slightly. "Ring her? What is she, a bell?" He shook his head. "Moppet."

True, the four of them drew several glances, whether it was because of Sirius' good looks, James' open flirtation, or all of their seemingly odd attire, Remus wasn't sure. Probably a combination of all three.

Sirius, a studier of fashion, had suggested that they remove their cloaks and over-robes. To them, it seemed a bit odd to do in public, to expose their trousers to the world and not have those loose (_extremely _loose in Remus' case) robes concealing the shape of their legs.

Still, one glance into the bar proved that most, or rather, all, of the other men wore their trousers so with no apparent embarrassment. James hadn't cared, Sirius was always willing to try something new, but Remus and Peter had had their misgivings... at first.

A few pints eased their discomfort.

After staring long and hard at one muggle man, Sirius excused himself only to return later in a completely different ensemble that he had clearly transfigured in the men's room.

The shirt was clearly muggle style, but not too terribly different. He had taken off his cravat and waistcoat though. The trousers, however, were unseemly tight, blue, and coarse looking.

"What _are_ you wearing?" Remus asked.

"No idea, but they it make my arse look fantastic," said Sirius, craning around to inspect (with apparent pride) the body part in question.

A woman, sitting not far away, a happy audience to this scene, was eyeing Sirius with silent agreement. Sirius turned to her.

"I'm right, am I not? My arse _does_ look outstanding in these trousers?"

The woman blushed and scuttled away.

Sirius turned back to the group, his sweeping arm opened in a gesture indicating the fled female. "She was speechless with the emotions the brilliance of my arse inspires."

Remus thought Sirius was laying it on a bit thick, but couldn't blame him. Normally he wouldn't act so crudely, but he was putting on a show to cheer up James, and it appeared to be working.

Peter, no fool, had caught on as to James situation and had been willing to play the fool in order to distract his friend. Actually, the whole evening was a good laugh. The jokes were non-stop, the occasional innocent prank on the unsuspecting victim (Remus had let them pass without comment) were amusing,

No one made mention that he had classes to teach in the morning. That would have been bad form. The important thing now was that he get as intoxicated as possible, and they were there to help him, as they always would be.

.

Remus knew better than to let Sirius see James back to the castle. (By that time, the auror was out of his senses drunk.) Sirius would only make some impertinent remark about Lily and undo all the good they did that evening, or he wouldn't take James home at all, and instead stay out and get into even more trouble.

James was leaning heavily on Remus, singing (belting) _Prank the Slytherin_ as they made their way up the Hogwarts steps.

"Purveyors of things obscene

Hate all those dressed in green

- The Slytherine.

It's not laborious

Only inglorious

For we're notorious

For brilliant schemes.

.

For those not our allies

with the Element of surprise

We prank them all.

Confound all their broomsticks

Out-knave their knavish tricks

The—"

"Prongs," Remus interrupted. The way James was carrying on, he'd wake the whole castle. "Quiet now, alright mate? We're sneaking back into the castle, just like old times."

"I can sneak," James reported at a whisper, holding a finger to his lips, but for some reason found this utterly hilarious and burst out laughing.

When he'd settled down, Remus opened the castle doors and they tiptoed in. Things seemed to be going alright until they caught a student out of bed. James immediately took it upon himself to deal with the situation, and Remus could only watch in amusement as James attempted to tell the boy off.

"What are you doing here? Are you drunk?" James asked the boy accusingly. "Five puffs from Hufflepoints!" he slurred righteously.

After hustling the boy away, James turned to Remus, dropping the straight face he'd been attempting. "Did you see that!" he said proudly. "Bet you he had _no_ idea how sloshed I was."

Remus snorted. "Not even an inkling."

He didn't want to imagine the hangover James would have to endure come his morning lessons, but his friend didn't seem too concerned about that. Didn't seem too concerned about anything, actually, as he started snoring the moment he flopped onto the bed.

* * *

_**Author's Note**__: _I know I've probably pissed almost all of you off. Some of you will say that I've thrown in a literary gimmick (like a fight to break up the couple) for suspense' sake. That's not true. The fact of the matter is that Lily and James had a severely flawed relationship, and as the story continued, the problems, having gone ignored, grew larger. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Relationships with teachers are a bad idea. Now they know why. Can you honestly tell me that if you were in Lily's shoes you would have done differently? Would you, being treated as an inferior by the rest of society, stand for being condescended to by the person you trust most? I hope your answer is no. And we also know that Lily is hiding a lot of things from James, as he pointed out. Some reviewers commented on this, and I was glad they noticed, because at least they saw this coming.

And I know it's been a long time since I posted, but... review?


	76. Sticks and Stones

_**Author's Note**__: It seems that every chapter begins with an apology, and this one will be no different. Yes, it has been a long time. I've been at sea, sailing around the South of Africa, Atlantic and Indian Ocean (eeeeeeeevil ocean.) But it wasn't without its misadventures (of course, this __**is **__me after all). Apart from the odd broken bone, infected wound and sailing in the most terrifying weather imaginable (over 60 knots of wind and 8.5 metre swells, tropical storms etc) I got so dangerously sick on the Indian Ocean they tried to radio in for help, but we were in such a terrible storm, being tossed around the sea like a toy in a toilet bowl (two Frenchman off Madagascar were actually lost forever in that same storm) we couldn't get through to anyone, and couldn't even cross the current to head back to land. Those were very tense and dangerous days, the crew thinking I was going to die, and that perhaps they might as well, what with the waves kept pounding us like a battering ram on the beam, threatening to capsize us and beat us to bits. But it's always darkest before the dawn, they say, and after the fourth of fifth day (I'm not so sure, I wasn't exactly lucid at this point) the weather finally calmed (a bit… less than 30 knots anyway) and we got radio connection and headed back for the South African coast. Sea Rescue zoomed out and got me, took me to land, loaded me on an ambulance and took me to the ER. "Lucky to be alive" they keep telling me… again. Seems to be a trend. So they flew me back for my convalescence in a small quiet town, and once I was able to drink, eat, and stand without falling over, I went back out to sea, got sick again due to a completely tanked immune system, and went __**back**__ into recovery. Lost about a month of my life lying in bed, doing nothing more exciting than the occassional walk to the sea side for tea with the 68 year old lady whose job it was to mind me. Don't get me wrong, she is a lovely lady, but being an invilid is no fun at all._

_So then I flew to Mozambique to jump on a boat and sail it back to Cape Town. Stopped in Durban to avoid a powerful front coming in, where I finished the chapter on the 29__th__. Now I'm in Port Elizabeth, diverted yet again to avoid an even bigger front (I don't fancy sailing in 45 knots of wind, thank you, nor does the rest of the crew. Our pulpit is already smashed form an accidental jibe earlier in the trip.) I thought I wouldn't get this published until I was back in Cape Town, but it seems Poseidon wanted this chapter in sooner. _

_I know I had promised a chapter at the end of November, but I had thought I'd be back in the States by then, but my plans went awry, as they so often do._

_I'm sure most of you have noticed that I reference at least one book in every chapter. And it really makes me happy when people point them out in reviews. Well done Nashi for getting the last one! And points to AnitaPotter for looking up Dog Island! Yes, it does exist! _

_Oh, and my other story is __**not**__ a Lily and James, or any other canon pairing… or much of a pairing at all, come to think of it. It's not a romantic story (though some might say it is), and it might just be darker than this one, once it's finished. I might post the link in my profile in a few days, now that I'm feeling a bit more confident with it. _

* * *

**Chapter 76: **_**Sticks and Stones**_

After watching James pass out contentedly in a drunken stupor, Remus stopped off at Lily's on his way down, just to check in. If she were asleep he'd just turn right back round and leave.

Surprisingly, or perhaps not surprising at all, she was still awake, sitting with a purring feline in her lap and writing in a notebook.

"Hullo, Lily," Remus greeted almost shyly.

She looked genuinely startled. "Re-Remus. I didn't expect to see you."

"I know it's a bit late," he offered in awkward apology, and only just realised how inappropriately dressed he still was in just those tight trousers, but reminded himself that Lily was muggleborn, and wouldn't think his lack of robes as being tastelessly revealing.

She shook her head and dislodged the cat so she could stand. "No, not at all. I'm awake, as you see. I just... didn't expect to see you." It was her turn to hang her head and look awkward, though Remus couldn't see why. "I didn't think I'd be seeing any of you again, actually, now that..." She cleared her throat. "I assume you've talked to James."

"Just left him," Remus confirmed.

"How is he?"

"Very very... drunk."

Lily's face looked pained. "Oh dear."

"No no, it's alright. We showed him a good time."

"That's what I was afraid of," she said, though her mouth did quirk into a betraying almost-smile.

"Why didn't you think you'd see me again?" he asked concernedly.

She swallowed hard, as if preparing herself for something difficult or daunting. "Now that James and I aren't together anymore I thought you all would..." She trailed off, looking away.

"Abandon you? I'm insulted, Lily," Remus said lightly, so she'd know it was in jest, and plopped down easily on the couch and propped up his feet on the table, careful not to overturn any of the numerous inkbottles.

Slowly, Lily sat next to him. "You mean, you still consider us friends even though..."

Remus interrupted her. "You and I go farther back than simply when you and James started seeing each other," he pointed out. "And you saved my life, don't forget. I certainly haven't."

"Don't feel that you like you have to spend time with me out of guilt or some kind of debt," she said seriously. "You don't owe me anything."

Remus smiled and slung an arm around her shoulders. "Perhaps I simply like you."

He didn't dare say that he feared she'd get depressed, now that her best friend had died and she'd split with James.

"Thank you," she said, finally relaxing enough to lean into him a bit, resting her head on his shoulder.

"You never told me he died in the end," she stated at random.

"What?"

"In _Cry of the Augery."_

_"_You read it?" he asked, inordinately pleased that she had taken time out of her busy study and work schedule to read his favourite childhood book.

"I did. You didn't tell me he died in the end."

"That would have been giving it away." Though the title should have been a bit of a hint, really.

"I was disappointed," she admitted. "The world needs more happy endings."

Remus knew she was thinking of her best friend, and said nothing, merely squeezed her in a sort of 'I know, but there's nothing we can do about it' gesture.

They simply watched and listened to the crackling fire. Remus didn't mind the quiet. It was comfortable enough. In fact, this kind of cuddle was a rare thing for him, Not many people who knew what he was, trusted enough to get this close, and those who did weren't generally inclined to, being blokes.

Remus thought of the girl he'd met in that bookshop in Edinburgh, and what it would be like to sit with her in front of a fire. He knew what it would be like though. Inside he'd be squirming, uncertain, curious and afraid of how she would react if she knew she was snuggling up to a werewolf. He'd seen women react before. It was never pretty.

Except here was a woman who knew what he was and wasn't running away. She trusted him. Trusted him enough to fall asleep against him, apparently. With a pained smile, Remus reached up with his free arm to snatch at the blanket draped over the sofa and spread it over her, wondering if he could find a woman who would care for him more than even Lily did. Unlikely, he thought, but a wolf could always hope. For now, it was enough.

x

When Lily roused, she knew it was still early. The fire had mostly died and the sun was only just now flirting with the idea of rising. She could sleep for another hour, she thought drowsily, or she could get an early start on the day. She was having a nice languorous stretch when she realised that the leg she was idly rubbing, was not James'.

She froze, wide awake now and blushing furiously. She ardently hoped that Remus was still asleep. She eased off him carefully, and scurried silently from the room.

When she returned from the shower he was awake, now wearing his robes and sitting on the sofa with a cushion in his lap.

She cleared her throat. "Happy St. David's Day," she greeted with a very broad but empty smile. This had to be the worst St. David's ever.

"St. David's?"

She nodded. "It's a Welsh holiday." She pointed to the pins she wore on her robes, one of the daffodil, the other of a leek. "If you come round for dinner I'll make some cawl for you."

"Sure?"

"It's tradition," she explained. "Well, in my family anyway." Lily briefly thought of visiting Petunia for a surprise visit, but knew it wasn't possible. She had classes during the week and this weekend was the Symposium.

Lily was surprised at how little that seemed to excite her now. She shook her head. She was still going and she would enjoy herself greatly. Lily glanced over to Remus, looking very tired so soon after the full moon. She would also ask Master Belby how his cure for Lycanthropy was coming.

She was about to run off to the library and let Remus have free use of her rooms for the day before she remembered.

"Oh, I… I was wondering if you'd do me a favour."

Remus lifted his eyebrows curiously.

"If you could give this to James?" she asked, taking the invisibility cloak from where it was draped over the back of the chair and handing it to Remus. "He left it here and I'm assuming he'll want it... and this hangover draught. It's left over from my stores and it's not like _I'm _going to need it."

"Why don't you take it to him? Don't you have his class first thing?"

Lily shook her head and looked away guiltily. It might have been an impulsive thing to do, but she'd given Dumbledore the final list of classes she would be dropping and subjects she would be doing as an independent study. Although it was a practical lesson, Lily had struck Defence Against the Dark Arts from her list of classes, along with History of Magic, choosing to use those free periods and time she would normally spend doing homework for those subjects to study both them, and Herbology and Arithmancy. Yes, Dumbledore had given her a questioning look, but hadn't pried. Not openly, at any rate. He might have tried to use Legilimency but Lily was accustomed by this point to not meeting the Headmaster's eye directly. She'd said she had plenty of Defence Against the Dark Arts to be getting on with, and that she didn't think she'd lack for practice, which the Headmaster had acknowledged with pained amusement.

"I… might have dropped his class yesterday," she admitted, ashamed.

Remus didn't chide her, but he did shake his head. "You know you can't avoid him forever."

"I know what you are going to say, Remus. I know you think I've made a huge mistake but for the sake of my sanity, spare me your lecture. I can assure you, I've given the 'situation' far more thought than you have. I just need some space, some… time."

"Did you really end it because he's a professor or…?"

"No. Yes. That was part of it. I mean, the guilt I had been learning to deal with but the—"

"Guilt?"

"I feel guilty, feel dirty when I'm around people who don't know. I imagine the things they'd say if they knew. The number of times we've almost been caught... If people found out..." She shuddered. It was mostly alright when they were alone, but when sneaking about the castle to meet each other, or sitting in the Great Hall, or, worst of all, in class. She shook her head out of this train of thought.

"This way he can _treat_ me like a student without guilt and I can _be_ a student without guilt."

"I'm still at a loss as to why. I mean, why now?"

She waved this away, not wanting to go into it but Remus persisted, gently, of course. "Tell me," he asked softly.

Lily sighed. "Saturday there was a staff meeting. We were discussing precautions to take to protect the families of muggleborns who choose to go home. We received a…" She cleared her throat, remembering Severus' letter and her own rash reply. "A warning from a Death Eater, saying that it would be best if there were no more muggleborns in Hogwarts."

"Oh Lily, I'm sorry."

She shook her head, stopping his speech. "No, that's not it. I'd volunteered to set some wards, but James… didn't want me to. He said I was '_just a student_' and swayed everyone else. I had no say, he just completely overpowered me. It was so humiliating."

Damn it, she'd told herself yesterday she was finished crying but she felt the prickle of treacherous tears threatening to appear again. She took a deep breath and forced her throat to unclench.

"I… don't know what to say."

"Say you'll come to London with me this weekend," she said impulsively.

"What?" Remus asked, looking thoroughly scandalised. Lily realised how it had sounded and explained. "There's a Potion's Symposium. Master Belby invited me and I'm allowed to be a guest. I was going to bring James, but he didn't really want to go anyway. It'll be interesting," she said, trying to convince him. "And you don't have to attend all the lectures if you don't want to, but if you do come with me you _must_ listen to Belby. He's… he's just brilliant. I mean, he just goes about potions a completely different way. And he—" In her excitement, she'd almost told him about Belby's attempt to cure lycanthropy. Lily _wanted_ to tell Remus, but James had told her not to.

_But_, she wasn't with James anymore so….

No. It was still a bad idea to use that to try to convince Remus to go with her. If he wanted to he would, and if Belby spoke about his research, then that wasn't her fault. Remus would have found out on his own.

Remus chuckled at how she'd let her mouth run away with her in her enthusiasm. "Yeh, alright. Sounds interesting. I shall have to brush up on my potion's principles before I go."

Lily grinned. "Well you're in a room full of study material. You are more than welcome to use them and anything else you want. I have to go now. I'll see you later? For cawl?"

"Sure."

She beamed and gave him a quick peck.

"I thought you weren't kissing me anymore?" Remus pointed out cheekily.

"I've since decided to forgive you. I'll see you later."

Lily skipped out of the portrait hole and headed for the library, which would be blissfully quiet this time a day, and should remain empty until lunch at least. All other students would be in class so she'd have the library all to herself. She imagined without other students or James to distract her, she'd get a lot of work done.

The only other people there were a pair of 7th year Ravenclaws, who no doubt wanted to get some study in before breakfast. They were quiet though, and that's what counted.

x

James was in agony when the alarm started blaring at an all together too early hour. He groped for his wand and tried to blast the damned thing that was splitting his head open, but he missed and took out a chunk of the wall instead. So he just picked up the thing and threw it as hard as he could across the room. It broke into pieces with what would have been a satisfying crash, except loud noises were not exactly his friend at the moment.

He forgot how much he hated that clock.

And hangovers.

What in Merlin's name was he thinking, going out and getting drunk when he _knew_ there were no hangover draughts available? Not that it was the sort of provision Madam Pomfrey would have kept in her stores anyway. The few he'd used he'd got from…

That's right. That's why he'd gone out drinking in the first place. That's why he was here in his own room alone.

"_Fuck…_" he groaned miserably. He really didn't want to teach today.

A knock boomed at his door and he cursed whoever it was. It was far too early for visitors.

"Morning Prongs," greeted a familiar voice.

"Moony?"

"I come bearing gifts. I'm sure you'll be needing this."

James tried to focus on the item his friend held but couldn't. "What is it?"

"Just a little something to get rid of that hangover of yours. Here you go, drink up. Be a big brave boy, now." It was in disbelief that James felt a phial pressed into his hand, but quaffed it down just the same. It certainly tasted the way he remembered a hangover cure should.

"Where did you get this?" he asked, feeling the pain and fuzziness clear from his head. He rubbed his eyes.

"Lily gave it to me to give to you. Along with this."

James caught the cloak Remus tossed to him.

It seemed that the ache in his head had travelled to his chest.

"How is she?" James asked, entirely curious. He half wished she was as miserable as he was.

Remus shrugged. "You know Lily. 'Chin up, wand out.'"

"Not regretful at all?" he asked with shameful hope.

Remus' brows drew together in a quizzical frown. "Perhaps, but what exactly she regrets is hard to pin down."

"What is that supposed to mean?" he asked, pulling off the clothes he'd fallen asleep in and tossing them in the corner before opening his wardrobe for some clean robes.

"Dunno," Remus answered vaguely. "I'll let you get ready. I just popped by to give you those."

"Ta," James replied sourly. His friend's visit had done nothing to improve his mood. Well, it did cure his pounding head, but that was thanks to Lily's consideration, not Remus'.

Still grumbling to himself, he got ready for the day.

When he sat down at the Head Table for breakfast he looked around the Great Hall (Gryffindor Table in particular) but he didn't see her. Perhaps she'd already eaten.

He wanted some clue, some hint, some indication as to how they were supposed to interact.

One thing was for certain, class that morning was going to be excruciatingly awkward.

"Alright class," James began at the start of his lesson. "As I mentioned in Friday's lecture, today we are covering poison detection, so I hope those of you who are not in Professor Slughorn's N.E.W.T class spent some time this weekend reviewing your potions. That's nearly all of you, isn't it?"

Only three of his students were also enrolled in Potions, and one of those students was conspicuously absent.

He stared at her empty seat for a moment before someone interrupted his thoughts, addressing the very same query he'd been asking himself.

"Evans won't come today."

James' head snapped over to the boy who'd spoken.

"What?" How could he have known she would skive? What did the boy know? Did the castle know he and Lily had split up? How had they known they'd been together?

"After what happened to Ferris? This'll be the last class she'd want to attend," the boy's friend supplied in agreement.

"Oh… right, of course," said James abstractedly.

Merlin, how had he not seen that? How could he have thought she'd _enjoy_ listening to this? Why hadn't she said something earlier, when he'd told her about it?

Because it was a good idea, she'd said as much. Of course she wouldn't want anyone else to suffer Rupert Ferris' fate.

Well, he felt like a perfect arse now, anyway.

x

.

.

.

Severus was nervous. In a few moments time, he would be attempting to test how his occlumency had been progressing by trying to hide and entire hour from his master. The 60 minutes he intended to conceal he had deliberately spent misusing ingredients entrusted to him (a punishable offence, certainly, but not a deadly one. Still, the incentive for secrecy was there, as the alternative was a good dose or two of the Cruciatus curse.)

He forced his pulse to slow, his breathing to deepen. The Dark Lord, they said, could smell fear, and at that moment Severus was certain he reeked of apprehension. His master would pick up on that instantly, and Severus' attempt would be over before he'd had the chance to start. He cast a freshening charm about him to remove any lingering scent of perspiration, collected himself, and apparated.

An hour later, Severus had his answer. He couldn't hide her yet, that much was obvious. He thought he'd nearly managed to veil the hour he'd spent with those precious ingredients, but he'd slipped up, he hadn't been able to hold on tightly enough. He'd have to redouble his efforts, train harder, _force_ himself to close his mind and _keep_ it closed. He could do it. He _would_ do it. As he limped into his home in Spinner's End, Severus vowed that he would be the world's most accomplished Occlumens.

When he walked back into his hovel of a home, the first thing he noticed was a letter opened neatly, placed prominently in the centre of the table. Severus recognised immediately by the handwriting that it was a note from Lily, one he'd obviously already read, though he didn't remember it. He must have removed the memory before he went to see his master, and left it there to remind him of it. Naturally, he could feel the spell that protected it, making its contents visible to only his eyes, in the unlikely chance that someone broke in to his home.

_I read your little 'note.' Did your master make you write that or did you come up with it all by yourself? Never did mince words, did you? Well, thanks for what I'm sure was well-meant advice (who knew you were so concerned for Mudblood welfare?) but I'm afraid I'm going to have to disappoint you and your friends and stay at Hogwarts, as I have nowhere else to go. Prick._

Severus winced. She was obviously distressed, that he gathered before reading a word. The blotchy tear-stains stood out plainly even at a distance, dying the parchment unevenly. So she'd been shown the missive he'd been instructed to write to the Headmaster, to get the muggleborns out of Hogwarts. She'd read it, recognised his handwriting, and had (apparently) taken it quite personally.

He sighed. If his Occlumency were up to scratch he'd put her in his own attic, if that's what it took to get her out of that castle. He didn't want her to be there when they started marking muggleborns. Severus wasn't part of that undertaking, but he knew the Death Eaters who were, and it didn't bode well for those that chose to take the mark rather than leave magical society.

Did Lily know about the Muggleborn Registration Scheme? It was, of course, supposed to be a secret, but that didn't mean that the Order might not have learned of it. Severus half wished they did. Rather, he wished _she_ knew. If she knew then she could escape before the branders descended upon Hogwarts. Not all marks were the same, and he knew that she would not be spared and given a lesser mark like perhaps some of the other children. She'd thwarted and defied the Dark Lord personally, and that wouldn't be forgotten when the time came to brand her.

Severus sincerely hoped that time would never come.

As he'd decided on his way home, he began practicing his Occlumency anew, resolving to respond to Lily's letter later… once he'd managed to come up with some kind of solution.

x

Lily was surprised to see Remus still in her rooms when she returned late that afternoon, but she didn't know why she should have been.

"Remus, hi," she greeted. "Ready for supper?"

He nodded and followed her to the kitchens where she prepared their meal mostly in silence. She reflected on how much she had accomplished that day, spending all her free time in the library. Her drive to get things accomplished and not to think about James and all the troubles attached to him (succeeding in the former and getting on well enough despite the latter) had resulted in a satisfying pile of completed work and pages of research notes.

And yet… not so satisfying after all, or rather it felt like a hollow victory.

She was being such a good _student_, she thought almost bitterly, as she pugnaciously chopped vegetables and mercilessly threw them into the pot.

She reasoned with herself that her work on her upcoming Charms project (they were starting a unit on wards today, to her stunted pleasure) could, if successful, be helpful to the Order, even aurors, should she patent it. This reckoning, however, did little to improve her mood, for she could only think of the disappointment in James' face when she mentioned working with new wards.

Was he really that upset with her work, or was it the fact that he hadn't known about it? James was the sort who liked to be in on everything, and took it personally when excluded. Is that what he had felt her secrecy had been? A personal exclusion of him?

Well, it had been, to be fair, but was there a chance that if she involved James in the whole process, confiding in him her burgeoning ideas, whether they resulted in failures or not, he would resent her work less?

But if she did that, he might try to help. Granted, that was preferable to detentions or Azkaban, but should her work succeed and be brought to the public, she would claim less of the credit. She didn't want it to appear that she was riding on the cloak-hem of the famous pureblood auror, James Potter. She sometimes forgot that James, Sirius too for that matter, was quite brilliant and very talented, but the rest of the world didn't. They breezed through Hogwarts with near perfect scores, had even been bored doing it, and had resorted to other magical pursuits, like their Marauders' Map, becoming animagi, pranking and who knew what else.

Yes, she had similar things as well in her boredom before having been given direction by Dumbledore and the Order…

Yes, she acknowledged she was clever, but she was also muggleborn. James was a pureblood. The rest of the wizarding world would much rather give him (the established, well-bred professional) the credit should a joint project of theirs come to light.

She would be lying if she told herself that wasn't a small part of her secrecy. She professionally (read jealously) guarded her ideas and research, something she had learned from Severus.

She felt more comfortable consulting Sirius because he had no aspirations. Quite the reverse, he strove for nothingness, almost in protest of all the high hopes his family had held for him. Even if he had come up with something he wouldn't admit it. He'd always written under a pseudonym to disguise himself.

Sirius wanted credit for nothing, apart from maybe the odd prank on the Slytherins (on Severus) in his school days. Not to say that James _did_ want notoriety… but he did like the spot-light. He liked being admired, even by his own students, Lily realised. He liked to joke around with his older male students, the Quidditch lads, and he smiled and winked at the girls, Lily wasn't blind to it.

"How's it coming?" asked Remus, coming behind her to lean over her shoulder, to give the cauldron, no, the _pot_, she corrected, a hearty sniff.

"Nearly finished," she replied, glad that he derailed her train of thought.

Actually, she wanted to ask him what he thought about her hypothesis of including James from the word 'go' to see if it would lessen his disapproval rating of her projects, but didn't. Lily didn't know how much Remus actually knew from James nor did she want to put him in the middle anymore than he already was.

"I've actually never made this by myself before," Lily admitted, trying to distract herself from her mental wanderings.

"Well I've never had it before, so I won't know if you don't get it right," Remus encouraged cheerfully, squeezing her shoulder and taking in the scent of her creation with flared nostrils once more. "Nearly ready?"

Lily heard his stomach growl, and chuckled. "Nearly," she assented. "Did you get much study done?"

"A fair bit," he answered, his chin still resting on her shoulder. "Read a few of your _Potions Quarterly_, to brush up on the latest developments."

"Really?" she began eagerly. "Wasn't what Master Cuttings said in his Treatise on—"

"Stop!" Remus commanded. "Stop right there. I said I read them. That doesn't make me an expert. I'm in no way informed enough of the process to be of use in a discussion on the topic. I haven't even _looked_ at the previous brewing process for the potion he used in his example, so I won't be able to compare it to the new one."

Lily chuckled through her disappointment. She was _dying_ to discuss it. She'd brought it up with Slughorn, naturally, and while he was a very capable brewer, wasn't at all imaginative and had very little to contribute. No doubt at the conference she'd be able to go in depth with _someone_. The place would be filled with like minded people, people who would understand, who shared the same passion, who would take delight in debating Fordyce's latest theory.

Her eagerness for the Symposium, which had flagged in light of her split with James, reignited within her, and she could barely wait for Friday to come.

x

James was exhausted. Mondays were always exhausting but usually he had something to look forward to at the end of them. Now, after he visited Madame Pomfrey to check on the state of his magic, he would return to his own room… alone.

James groaned the same time his stomach growled. He'd worked right through supper. He could call Poppy to him, but he was dying to get out of his office. The place seemed to be closing in on him, and _LILY'S CHAIR _seemed to taunt him, glittering there in the corner, the only comfortable piece his office provided. He really should remove it, and he would… later.

James put all his work away, locking it up safely in his desk, and stood. His back and neck popped painfully, but he felt better for it. The walk down towards the kitchens was a nice stretch for his legs. He was just thinking that after he ate he might spend some time in his animagus form and go for a run around the grounds when he saw someone he hadn't expected.

"Remus," James greeted in surprise. "Back again?"

"Still here, actually. You off?"

"Only to the kitchens. Starving. Oh, and sorry about this morning. I was—"

Remus held up a hand to silence him. "Don't worry about it. You'd had a…" At this Remus grinned mischievously. "A pretty wild night."

James ruffled his hair. "Did I? The details are a bit… elusive."

"That's probably for the best."

James nodded in agreement. He didn't really want to know what he'd done the night before. "Fancy some supper?"

"Just ate, actually. And er… Lily's in the kitchens… just to warn you."

"Oh?" James stood on tip toe to look over Remus's shoulder at the portrait of the bowl of fruit, as if she would suddenly appear. "What's she doing?"

"Talking to a house elf, I think," he replied. "There was some of her cawl left over, if you want some."

Not only did James have no idea what cawl was, but he found himself suddenly not as hungry as he was eager to go talk to her. Not that he had any idea of what he'd say. "Sure, sure," he answered absently. "Well it was good to see you," said James, keeping his eye on the portrait but patting Remus on the arm in parting as he passed by him. Remus might have snorted something in reply, but James didn't hear what it was.

In front of the painted bowl of fruit he paused to collect himself. He had just reached out to tickle the pear when the portrait swung open and he was pushed back to the wall.

She hadn't even seen him. Couldn't have, as he was hidden behind the door. She sailed out of the kitchens, wine coloured hair flowing, and disappeared around the corner before James had remembered how to use his voice.

Perhaps it was better that way. He didn't know what he wanted to say to her anyway. Well, that wasn't entirely true. There were dozens of things he wanted to say to her, he just didn't know how to go about it. He wanted to apologise for the poison detection lesson, he ought to have known that would have been painful for her. He wanted to shout at her for leaving him. He wanted to beg her to take him back. He wanted to shout at her for making him beg…

He wouldn't, of course. He wouldn't beg but he did think they needed to talk. Perhaps she'd cooled down from last night, and had time to reconsider. She may have had a point, he _had_ thought of her as a responsibility, but only at first. That's how he'd come to care for her, but not now. Of course, he was concerned about her well being and wanted her to be safe, but he didn't think of her as a charge to be protected… not really.

Damn it.

So maybe he did _a little_. As a Hogwarts teacher, it was his duty to protect her and all the other students. That was his job.

Fuck.

And that had been her whole point.

Damn it.

James wasn't really aware of _what_ he was eating as it passed his lips and he chewed and swallowed. He was brooding over his conversation with Lily on Saturday night. He continued thinking about it all the way to the Hospital Wing. Perhaps now she'd let him explain what happened. He hadn't really thought her incapable or unsuitable to cast the wards because she was a student, but because he was worried about…

James stopped mid stride. He'd completely forgotten. She had been going to tell him what it was she'd been hiding from him, the thing she suspected he might not like, yhe thing that had her so afraid. It was that very reason that James hadn't wanted her to go warding, he'd been afraid for her too. And now he _still_ didn't know what it was and it seemed less likely now than ever that she'd tell him what the secret was.

He took up his stride again and marched into the Hospital Wing in a violently foul mood, only to be brought up short and speechless again upon seeing her. He shouldn't have been surprised, she spent at least one night in three helping Madam Pomfrey, and yet he hadn't expected to be face to face with her so soon.

With a stiff smile she greeted, "Good evening," though he knew it was for the benefit of all the witnesses. It hadn't been a cold welcome, merely a tense one. And _brief_. She'd only said those two words before she was off to tend to a patient in her own year.

"Potter," said Poppy. "Come now, I can squeeze you in now. Excellent timing."

James was forced to turn away from Lily and let the healing matron do her tests. She had him cast a simple spell to which Pomfrey responded favourably. "Improving nicely. Just another day or two." She gave his hand a quick double pat and he was thus dismissed. Madam Pomfrey bustled away to see to someone else and James stood to leave, but not before looking around to see where Lily had gone.

He wasn't the only one, James realised. The curtain to his left concealed the two girls who were talking, but the subject of their conversation was obvious.

"Anton spoke to her himself today in the library, Evans really did quit DADA… probably because of the whole thing," said one voice, arresting James' attention at once. "Can't say I blame her."

"Are you mad?"

"Come on. He's an _auror_, and her best friend was killed right under his nose. Of course she'd hate him for that."

"_You_ don't, though, do you?" said the other voice with suggestive amusement.

"Please, he only knows me as a name in his grade book," muttered the other bitterly. "He only ever pays attention to his favourites."

"Well he's lost his main favourite now in any case. Evans being gone should free up a few new spaces."

James had had enough. While it was true that he had favourites, it wasn't his most pressing concern at the moment. He hadn't really thought of having favourites as being hurtful to the others, but he supposed it was and would try to stop being openly nepotistic. However, now, he was determined to find out the truth of what he'd just overheard. She hadn't really dropped his class to avoid him, had she? And more importantly, did she resent him for Ferris' death? True, he had been on duty at the time, and he'd been there to keep just that sort of thing from happening and he hadn't succeeded, but she'd never even hinted that she blamed him.

_She wouldn't though, would she_…

No, she'd keep it bottled up to herself forever and just…

Another thought suddenly occurred to him. Was that why she'd ended it? Was the whole him being her professor just an excuse to hide an even uglier truth? That she begrudged his not being able to save Ferris, which could have just as easily been her?

The more James thought about it the more responsible he felt, and he more he believed he _had_ let her down. He was right there in the same bloody pub, stationed there specifically to protect the students, and yet he hadn't managed to do it.

Merlin, she should have said something.

He pushed his glasses onto the top of his head and shoved a knuckle in between his eyes to stave off the pain that was starting there.

No. He _had_ to talk to her, he didn't care if they were split or not. He was going to bloody talk to her about this, especially if this was the secret underlying cause of the separation.

James rose and walked deliberately toward her. Just at the moment she was casting a lumos and shining the light into a little boy's ear.

"Can we talk?" he asked abruptly. She looked up, startled by his presence but immediately returned her gaze to the boy.

"I'm a trifle busy just at present," she replied coolly.

"It's important," he insisted.

"So is this," she said, indicating her work. Wordlessly she cast a spell that seemed to provide the boy with some relief. When she spoke next her voice was much gentler, kinder, comforting. "Without the potion that's the best I can do. I'll be back in an hour to do it again."

"Thank you," squeaked the boy.

She smiled and went to the next bed. "I really am busy." This was obviously to James, though she didn't bother looking at him.

"Did you really drop my class?" he pressed.

She stopped, but only for a moment. "Open your mouth," she said, and the third year girl promptly obeyed. Lily shone her wandlight into the opening and inspected it. "Yes, I did."

"Were you going to tell me?"

"Yes, of course I was," she replied politely, though the tension lay plainly beneath her words. Again her voice changed from low and stressed to light and caring. "Looking better! You'll be out of here in no time. I'll have a house elf bring you some more broth." She stroked the girl's head and took a few steps away from the bed and faced him.

She'd just opened her mouth to say something when the Hospital Wing doors banged open and Pomona Sprout entered, completely short of breath, with a clearly injured student of her own house.

Lily pivoted on the spot and went to the newly arrived pair, leaving James standing there on his own.

He heard snickers coming from the girls who'd been gossiping before, and forced himself not to look in their direction. Instead, he clenched his teeth and left the Hospital Wing.

x

Lily worked as late as she ever had, staying the night in the Hospital Wing as she did upon occasion to make it easier on Madame Pomfrey. It was almost one before things had quieted down and most everyone was asleep. She'd made quite a luxurious pallet for herself on the floor. It was soft, warm, and what was more, it was _public_. Not only did she not want to be alone, but she also didn't want to return to her rooms where James might corner her and call her on her cowardice. Well, giving up his class hadn't been cowardice, entirely. She just didn't want to put herself through any more pain than she was already suffering. Still, now that she was no longer enrolled in his class she was technically no longer his student. Yes, she was _a _student, but she was not _his_. That made some difference, in her own mind if nowhere else.

Besides, she couldn't possibly have admitted that in front of all the patients in the Hospital Wing. What had he been thinking, confronting her publicly like that?

Lily curled up on her side, pulled a duvet and quilt up to her chin and sighed. She would have to talk to him eventually, explain it to him. But tonight would have been too soon for a calm and rational discussion. They would probably just end up shouting at each other again. Perhaps that's why he'd tried to speak to her in public, to avoid an obvious display of temper…

Lily hated that. She hated that she'd shouted at him and she hated being shouted at. Thinking about it, even now, made her throat tighten and chest clench. She wanted to be on good terms with him again; professional, amiable terms. They still had to work together on their project for the Order, they would have to learn to get along civilly.

She sniffled, imagining being _civil_ with James. Cold, indifferent civility was almost worse than passionate resentment. As she fell asleep, she imagined all the dismal scenarios of what her next meeting with James might be like.

.

"Excellent, Miss Evans!" cried Professor Flitwick, to Lily's pleasure. It was the end of Charms class and while the rest of the students were practicing, Lily was showing the tiny teacher something she'd been working on the last few days. It was still rough, but she had the spell, and it did mostly what it was supposed to do, it just needed some fine tuning.

"There is still a lot of work to be done with it," she said humbly. "But that's the general idea."

"Another bonus project," said Flitwick. "Although you might get credit in Defence Against the Dark Arts for this as well, as it spans both areas."

"I'm actually no longer enrolled in DADA. I felt secure that I can pass my N.E.W.T in that subject, so I dropped that and History of Magic to free up some time to study for my Herbology and Arithmancy exams. Independent study, you know. But I do think it's a good idea to involve the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher in this," she added. "Perhaps when it's a bit more polished I can schedule a demonstration for you both?"

Flitwick, who knew about her and James and presumably thought they were still together, looked at her quizzically. His silent question of, 'Surely you could show him yourself?' was clearly written on his face.

"I want this to be as professional and official as possible, Professor," she said quietly. "If this is to go on record not only for my marks in school, but for future patenting, it should be done by the book."

"Yes, of course. Yes." Flitwick bobbed his head in agreement.

The idea of 'walking wards' had come to her that night she spent on the Hospital Wing floor after James' visit. She wasn't sure what prompted the idea, probably mulling over the reason James _didn't_ want her warding in the first place, but the idea had struck her, and the next morning she was in the library first thing, then out on the grounds to try to test her idea. It had been slow going at first, trying to modify many existing wards and shield charms to suit her needs. She hadn't _neglected_ her other assignments per se, but this latest project had taken up most of her time those following two days.

Despite the new curfew, which required students to return to their dormitories after dinner, Lily spent that Thursday evening in the library until late. In fact, she was cutting it quite close, only packing away her things seven minutes before she had to start patrol.

Then it struck her. Patrols. James had arranged it earlier on to have patrols with her and now… well they couldn't very well ask to switch them back. It would be as good as announcing to those staff members who knew about them that they had split up, which would be too mortifying to bear.

He was standing there waiting for her, hands clasped behind his back, posture straight and stiff. He was looking up the staircase for her, clearly thinking she'd be coming from her rooms.

"Good evening," she greeted softly. James whipped his head around to face her, wand at the ready. That was only his initial reaction though, when he realised it was she, his stance eased.

James nodded. "Evening," greeted back, lowering his wand but not putting it away. Instead he removed his glasses and cleaned them with a little spell before returning them to his face.

Before she could stop herself, she said concernedly, "Should you be using your magic that way?"

"Just came from Madam Pomfrey," he informed her. "I'm back to my old form and can use my wand as much as I like." He was unable to hide his pleased smile, nor did he really try.

She smiled back in relief. If he had his magic fully back then he was fully fit to defend himself. On the other hand… "I guess that means you'll be on call for Moody again," she said a bit sadly. If he wasn't on medical leave any more, he could be called out to more dangerous assignments again.

Together they started walking. "I think I might forget to owl him of my recovery until Monday," James admitted mischievously, though Lily knew he wasn't serious. He'd notify his superior the moment he returned to his office, no doubt. Still, Lily was grateful that James wasn't being cold and silent. He was making a determined effort to be as social, even amiable, as she had planned to be.

"Flitwick told me about your latest project tonight at dinner. Sounds interesting," he opened pleasantly.

Lily seized this opportunity. "Yes, I asked him to mention it to you. I'll show you. It's not finished, but you can see what I have." There. She did it. In the past she would have worked on the thing by herself and she wouldn't show it unless and until it was perfected. She was including him in the development of her latest innovation, she hoped he saw that and understood it to be the attempt at reconciling their differences that it was.

"I'd like that, once we're finished with this, of course."

"Of course," she readily agreed.

It grew silent between them for a time, and the innocent conversation lingered in the absence of new conversation. It wasn't as comfortable a silence as she was used to, but at least it wasn't fraught with awkwardness, not on her half at any rate. She didn't know James had been suffering until he burst out much later.

"I can't do this, you have to tell me. Did you leave my class…" He paused, considered, carried on, "… leave _me_, because I didn't prevent Rupert's being poisoned? Do you blame me, hate me for that?"

Lily stopped and stared at him, mouth agape. "What?" she asked when she'd regained some of her composure. "No, of course not!" she said, touching his arm gently in an attempt to convey her earnestness. She was shocked. How long had he thought that? If it was anyone's fault it had been hers. "I never _ever_ blamed you. How on earth could I hate you for that?"

"I hadn't thought about it until I overheard a conversation in the Hospital Wing the other day. They were saying you quit my class because I'd failed to protect your friend, failed in my sole responsibility for that day."

It was clear by the way that he said it that he had persuaded himself he was guilty, even if she didn't think of it that way. She wanted to reassure him, but the usual methods weren't exactly options now. She'd have to use words, feeble though they were compared to demonstration.

"James," she said, breaking her own rule with the informality. He finally looked her in the eyes. "You are a fantastic auror, one of the best. No one can say you didn't do your duty. There was nothing you could have done differently to have prevented it… nothing any of us could have done." Her breath caught in her chest as she fought against her own guilt and sadness. She swallowed hard and carried on. "On the contrary, I don't..." She sniffled, struggling not to become too emotional. "I don't know what I would have done without you." He and Sirius had kept her from falling apart. Well, perhaps not, but at least they had picked up the pieces and put her back together.

Oh, hang it. She couldn't stop herself from putting her arms around him and pulling him in for a tight reassuring hug. Poor James, worrying over this for days. He seemed startled at first by the embrace, but after only a moment he relaxed into it with a grateful sigh and squeezed her back, not letting go for a while.

When they finally did separate, James' eyes probed hers curiously. She knew the question he was asking, but not voicing. She responded similarly, by pulling away completely and continuing down the corridor with their patrol and she continued to explain her 'walking wards,' making it clear that the other subject was closed. It was just a hug, not a reconciliation. James was clever, and picked up immediately her meaning without needing to openly talk about it.

It was slightly tenser for a time, but eventually, to Lily's surprise, an easy, casual, even amusing conversation ensued. Lily didn't know why this should have surprised her; she and James had always got along well. Their interests in magic and defence against the dark arts were well matched and, what was more, their senses of humour as well. They were both in tolerably good moods when they finished their rounds and headed out onto the grounds.

"I tweaked the original ward to act more like a shield charm," she explained, casting a circle around her and began walking. "Go ahead. Cast a hex at me."

James' brows drew together, looking reluctant. Lily rolled her eyes at his reticence.

"It doesn't have to be an Unforgivable," she said sarcastically. "Cast a _rictasempra_ if you doubt my wards." She arched a brow challengingly.

"It's not that I doubt you, my dear," he said, unaware he let the endearment slip. "I'm just concerned as to how and where it will deflect."

Hmm, Lily didn't know that either. Well, now they would find out.

"Go on then," she encouraged, confident it would hold.

It wasn't a tickling charm, but a medium strength curse, which was simply absorbed into her ward rather than ricocheted off it. Lily felt that her ward had been hit, but it was in no way painful or uncomfortable.

"Try at another angle, at the back," she suggested.

"This goes against all principles of decent duelling," said James, amused.

Lily chuckled. Once again, the hex failed to get passed the ward.

They tested it several more times, both while stationary and while moving.

"So what's the problem with it?" James asked, sitting down on the stone steps that lead up to the main doors. "Looks like it works to me."

"Well yes, but I need to make it stick, somehow."

"Stick?"

"Yes, right now I have to keep it up using my wand," she admitted.

"Ah," said James, catching on quickly. "Which means you aren't free to cast any other spells unless you take it down. Still, it's not un-useful as it is. What have you used to make it 'stick' in the past?"

"Well usually wards are anchored to something stable. But since the purpose of this is mobility, the only thing that's consistent is myself, so I'll have to make it stick to me, somehow. The wand is the easiest, obvious, and unfortunately also most inconvenient method. I might attach it to my cloak or something for starters, but that would certainly weaken it, perhaps even to the point of ineffectiveness. Or…" Here it came, she was going to attempt to tell him the truth, and if he didn't like it, then, well, then she'd no longer share the project with him.

"Or…" James prompted.

"My blood," she said, thrusting out her chin defiantly. She knew how he felt about blood magic but perhaps this would illustrate the _good_ uses. "It's the strongest, most potent thing that could link a person with their own protection, and unlike a wand or a cloak, it wouldn't be dropped or lost. It's rather more permanent and much more potent that way."

Lily grew more nervous the longer James kept silent.

"Hmm," he began. "You would need to make a blood sacrifice then, in order to make that work?"

His tone was obviously disapproving.

"Not a _sacrifice_," she corrected hastily. "A _sample_, and only a small one, just enough to let the spell link the blood in the sample to the blood in my body." Lily didn't voice her hope that it might also work for blood relations. That was too much too fast. One step at a time.

"Hmm," James grunted again, though he didn't outright deny her, or tell her to stop, or get all _auror_-y on her. In fact, it seemed that he was reluctantly considering the idea.

"Allooo!" greeted an unmistakable booming voice. Lily smiled at the approach of Hagrid, who seemed to have recognised them from quite a distance.

Lily hurried to greet him and James followed behind at a slower pace, hands casually in his pockets.

"Evening Hagrid," he said almost lazily.

"Evening," the half-giant replied.

"How did you know it was us from so far off?" Lily enquired.

"Oo else would it be?" Hagrid reasoned amiably. "Only one pair of people I know who stomp around the grounds at night casting spells at each other," said Hagrid with a grin, earning a snort of amusement from James.

Hagrid made the offer of tea in his hut and they both agreed.

"Have you just come from the forest?" she asked. "You know it's nearly time."

"I know, went out to see for meself first."

"See what?" asked James.

"Mooncalf spotting," Lily supplied.

"You mean moon_filly_." James corrected.

"Whatever. It's a tradition of ours," she explained, then beamed up at Hagrid. "Did you happen to see any?"

"Saw some fresh droppings. I'd say tonigh' or tomorrow would be best."

Lily began bouncing in her seat. "Oh _do_ let's go tonight. I won't be here tomorrow!"

"Why no'?" Hagrid asked, surprised.

"My Potion's Symposium, remember? I told you about it."

"Oh roi'. O'course." He smiled at her teasingly. "How could I 'ave forgot?"

"Did she force you to come along, James?" Hagrid asked with a laugh.

Lily cut James off before he had to say anything. "Actually James couldn't make it, so Remus is going with me."

To his credit, James looked surprised only for a second before he controlled his features. "With my magic back now Moody wants me to make up for lost time," he added glibly. "So I'll be working the whole weekend down at Headquarters."

"Shame," said Hagrid sympathetically to her, then, to her embarrassment, added to James. "She was going on about how excited she was for you to join'er. Real keen, she was."

"Yes, well," Lily interrupted, cutting him off before he could say anything else. "On the whole I suppose it's better that he got his magic back sooner rather than later."

"And you can tell me all about it when you get back," James added sweetly, though Lily suspected it was only a performance for Hagrid. Surely he wouldn't _really_ want to hear all about it. James must have been able to see the doubt on her face because he added earnestly, "I mean it."

Probably more pretence, she thought.

"Are you comin' with us, Potter?" asked Hagrid.

James looked surprised. "Oh. For the moonfilly spotting, you mean? No, I don't think so." He shot a stunning smile at Lily. "It's tradition, after all. I wouldn't dare get in the way of Lily and her traditions. You two enjoy yourselves." Lily was momentarily dazzled, amazed that James could act so… charming when his heart couldn't possibly be in it. Or perhaps it was, and this was his way of trying to lure her back. If so… it was working.

She chided herself for being as weak as Dippet, to be so swayed by toothy grins and smooth remarks. Lily had always pitied the women that fell for the 'old Marauder charm' as it was commonly (and arrogantly) referred to by the boys themselves. Yet there she was, falling for it.

Again? No, she was certain James hadn't stooped to these little sly machinations before, it had just happened despite them both. Now, however, Lily was feeling a bit of sympathy for the poor females for whom a Marauder set his cap.

James cheated ruthlessly in his performance for Hagrid by kissing her atop her head in parting, though she supposed it was the sort of thing Hagrid would expect to see, though she was sure the half-giant wouldn't have thought anything of it if James _hadn't_ kissed her. He was taking advantage of the situation.

Lily was, of course, outraged by his behaviour, though she'd be lying if she told herself she wasn't relieved. He didn't resent her so much as to want to be rid of her, or be repulsed at the thought of kissing her. If he was still trying to get her back, then he still cared. Perhaps it was calculating and shameful, but she didn't want to risk losing him entirely. She wouldn't tell him off for his little performance. It was, after all, defensible, if not absolutely necessary. She knew the argument he'd give already, so there was no point debating it. And if she were to be perfectly honest, she couldn't truthfully claim that the smile that had warmed her face when he'd kissed her hadn't been to deceive Hagrid as well. It was just… nice. She couldn't help reacting that way.

_Just a student_, she reminded herself. _He said you were just a student._

Her resolve instantly stiffened.

x

In front of the mirror, Remus did some charmwork in a somewhat pitiful effort to spruce up in robes. It was the nicest set he had, but they were still rather threadbare and frayed. He didn't know what sort of affair this Symposium would be but he didn't want to embarrass Lily by being a shabby looking escort.

"Have you got a date?" Sirius asked uninterestedly as he strolled down the stairs tying a silk cravat of a burnt orange colour.

"Not really. You've heard about that International Potion's Conference that's being held here in London?"

At this Sirius looked up and studied him, almost accusingly, Remus felt. "I _had_ heard." Sirius lowered his head and went back to his tie as he passed by into the kitchen. "Didn't know you'd taken up an interest in the latest developments in Potioneering, though."

Sirius knew very well Remus wouldn't be going for any but the one obvious reason.

"Taking Lily," he explained needlessly. Knowing that Sirius would turn it down anyway, Remus offered insincerely, "You want to take my place?"

"She asked you." Clinking of glass in the other room signalled that he was pouring himself a drink. He appeared a moment later tumbler in hand. He hadn't made another for _him_, not that Remus wanted one.

"Besides, I'm busy tonight anyway."

"Date?"

"With a Death Eater," Sirius replied nonchalantly, selecting an over-cloak. "Several, in fact."

"What?" Remus asked, alarmed.

Sirius sipped at his drink, replying after an infuriatingly long pause. "Another meeting."

"I didn't know there were any actual Death Eaters there. Supporters, certainly but—"

"Things changed," Sirius said with a shrug.

"When?" No answer came so he continued. "Do you really think it wise to keep going, then?" Some Death Eaters knew that Sirius was for the Order, even if the other purebloods didn't. Really, it was only a matter of time.

Sirius knocked back the rest of his drink in one and sent his glass zooming back to the kitchen. "What could possibly happen?" he asked unconcernedly.

Remus could write an encyclopaedia of things that could happen, most of the entries involved pain, humiliation and forceful questioning resulting in death. He didn't have time to mention even one of them, however, because Sirius had already sauntered out the front door.

"Damn it," Remus whispered to himself, and threw himself out the door after him, but Sirius was already gone. Remus could follow, he'd been there once before, but Sirius' blood had been required to get in. Remus didn't have the blood, the disguise or an invisibility cloak to pass among them unmolested or undetected. To go after him now would endanger not only himself, but Sirius too.

He slapped his thigh. _"Damn it!_"

Grabbing his own cloak off the rack, he threw it around himself and spilt a great deal of floo powder as he reached into the dish to grab a handful and fling it onto the fire.

Lily was waiting for him in the Headmaster's office, just as they planned. Her eager smile faded when she saw him.

"What—"

He grabbed her hand. "Come with me."

Remus dragged her out of Dumbledore's office, down the steps and through the halls of Hogwarts at a pace that was not quite a run.

"What the hell, Remus!" Lily panted.

"Sirius," he explained. "Reckless fool has… has…" He searched for words but grew too frustrated by how long it was taking. "Has done it again! We need to find Prongs. He might be able to sort something out." If anyone could control Sirius, it was James.

He gave only a perfunctory knock before barging into the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher's office.

James was there, one hand buried in his hair, elbow leaning on his desk as his other hand wrote quickly with a quill. Clearly he had meant to finish what he had been working on before he stood to answer the door, but his and Lily's entrance didn't give James that time. He looked up at this unexpected intrusion.

"Moony? What the—Lily? What's going on?"

Now wasn't the time to mince words. "Sirius has 'a date with a Death Eater. Several, in fact.' His own words."

James stood, ready to do something, but not knowing what. "Where's he gone?"  
"To that meeting. Apparently the member list now includes Death Eaters."

"Since when?" James asked, outraged.

"I don't know, he just _happened_ to mention it tonight, as if it were nothing."

James swore under his breath, then looked at Lily.

"I swear I didn't know," she asserted instantly, reading his thoughts, not that it had been that difficult. "Well, apart from Lucius Malfoy, of course. But you knew that."

James and Remus frowned, wondering how they both could have missed that before.

"But surely he'll be fine," she went on. "What could possibly happen?"

Remus glowered. "That's just what he said."

"Even if someone _does_ get the better of Sirius, they aren't going to do anything at the meeting. They wouldn't be so vulgar as to make a scene right then and there."

"How would you know?" Remus asked.

"Sirius said as much," she replied.

Remus was inclined to disregard anything Sirius had said on the matter. The man had no sense of safety or self-preservation. "What do you think, Prongs?"

James paused before sitting back down. "If that's the case then I think you might as well go to London. Don't want to miss out on any of the Conference. Not much to be done, is there?"

It was only the tiniest glance, but Remus had caught it.

"If you say so," he said with a sigh, trying to sound as if he disapproved of James seeming stance on inaction. "Come on, Lily. I seem to be out-voted."

Really, he just wanted to get her to the Symposium as quickly as possible.

x

_Just one more, and that'll be the last one,_ Sirius told himself as he poured another drink. He was already a bit tight and he knew he probably should have stopped a while ago, but something in him wanted to get completely locked. He wasn't yet at that point of intoxication, nor would he be, at least, not around this lot. He'd just been speaking to Euphemius Amberly about… what had it been? Oh, about something or other and he wanted to continue the debate, that is, if he could find the blighter again. Now where had he got to…

"Amberly!" he called out, having spotted him.

"Black! There you are, you disappeared."

"Just getting a top up," Sirius explained, holding up his glass. "Do go on about what you were saying."

"What? Oh about the wandless magic, yes of course. It's simple really, the reason there are fewer wizards and witches to be able to do wandless magic is to do with all this breeding and messing about with muggles."

"Surely," said Sirius with a sense of drama that went unnoticed by his listener. "Those of impeccable lineage, such as yourself, would be unaffected, if that were the case?"

"It's the whole society, closing in, that's what," Euphemius puffed indignantly. "There are almost no entirely wizarding settlements at all anymore. Why, I don't know anyone, who hasn't got muggle neighbours, apart from those living in the country. Why, in my day we barely noticed them, and now they seem to be invading our space, encroaching on us. The more muggles expand, the less magic there is, that's what it amounts to."

True, muggles did expand, grow, develop where wizarding society did not. There was a lack of invention, for the most part. No need for expansion. Muggles were always coming up with new things. Sirius rather enjoyed their creations. The motorbike, for example, was a brilliant idea.

"Quite right," another man piped in, who had clearly overheard. "These muggles seem to multiply shamelessly. No self-restraint."

"I, for one," Sirius slurred. "Never cared overmuch for self-restraint either."

This earned him guffaws of laughter and hearty slaps on the back and one man commented that they needed more Blacks in the world. Keep the bloodline going, and when did he mean to get started.

Sirius was far too disgusted to reply, and made his exit, swerving and swaying only slightly, and with dignity.

"You know," came a voice from behind him. "In your state, a pretty thing like you could get taken advantage of."

Sirius didn't bother turning around, he knew he wouldn't see anything.

"Not here, surely," he replied. "Every one of these gentlemen is above reproach, their manners and morals thoroughly upstanding… save you of course. What are you doing here?"

"You promised, remember? If ever you decided to do a fool-hardy, life-threatening stunt, I get to come along." Sirius could hear, rather than see, the smile on James' face.

"Running to my rescue?" he asked, covering the fact he was speaking by holding his glass to his mouth as if taking a sip. "I'm touched."

"Remus mentioned new additions to the group. None are wearing their masks, I see."

"This isn't a masquerade," he pointed out. "Though I don't blame you for wanting to hide _your_ ugly face."

James cleared his throat, the amusement fading in his voice. "Just tell me who I'm looking for."

Sirius nodded, and took another sip as he surveyed the room. "Four o'clock. Gent in the black and silver over-cloak, fat, pockmarked face and stumpy nose."

"Got him."

"Next. Eleven o'clock. Red beard, can't miss him."

"Got him."

Sirius looked around one more time, just a glance, then turned to face forward again. "Directly behind us. Mahogany robes. Broomstick thin with a pointy chin."

"Got him."

"That's it. Malfoy's not here."

"Three of them, one of me. Which do I follow out and arrest?" James asked, more to himself.

"Do you have a warrant for any of them? Or proof that they've actually committed a crime?" Sirius asked wryly, not that he cared, really.

"Don't need to. Stun them, check for a mark and chuck them in Azkaban, that's the new policy."

"Check and chuck? Not all Death Eaters have marks, you know," said Sirius.

It was silent for a moment, but James soon spoke again. "I'm thinking… that two against three is much better than one."

Sirius sighed, purely for James' benefit. Really he was energized by the thought of taking one down. It would make things a bit more interesting.

"Who am I on?" Sirius asked in long-suffering tones.

The moment he'd agreed he felt sobriety come back to him in a tingling rush as the result of James' sobering charm. He'd need a clear head for this, true.

"I've never seen any of them before. Which of the three is least dangerous?"

"Red beard, I'd say. Can't be certain though. He's the poorest and least active politically. Not sure what he actually does, but I'm thinking he's lower level, as Malfoy and the others seem to turn their noses up at him." His words were a bit mumbled by his effort to not appear to be talking, but he was certain James understood well enough.

"I'll take broad-face, then. You go for pointy chin."

"This better not make the morning edition," said Sirius frankly. "If your name is attached to these arrests tonight, suspicion will immediately fall on me, you know."

"It won't."

"If you apparated here they already know."

"I didn't."

Sirius was certain that he'd never told James the location of the meetings and briefly wondered how he _had_ got there. He didn't have time to ask, however, because it seemed that pointy-chin was making his exit. Sirius quickly followed.

x

The room was filled with wizards and witches from all over the world, some chattering away in languages Lily couldn't even recognise let along understand. It seemed to her that most of them knew each other from previous conferences, being regular attendees. The last Conference had been held in Zagreb, Lily knew, but of course she hadn't been there. As it was, this pre-conference 'meet and greet' made her feel completely isolated. She had no professional or personal contacts, nor did she feel quite brave enough to just walk up to one of the groups and join their conversation. Belby wasn't there, as far as she could tell, and even if he was he would be too busy with other, more important people. In short, there was nothing, no one, to distract her from worrying.

The lectures would begin in the morning, but Lily had insisted on coming that night so she wouldn't miss out on this gathering. She imagined she'd meet great brewers, ingenious innovators. She'd imagined discussing formulae and principles. Reality disappointed and now she wished she wasn't there, but until Remus returned (he'd left several minutes ago saying he'd be back) she couldn't leave. She felt small, out of place, and anxious for the boys...

"I'm back," said a familiar voice. Remus gave her a dissimulating smile.

"Good, let's get out of here." She hooked her arm through his and started walking hastily for the exit.

"What is it?" he asked once they were outside. "I thought you wanted—"

"You think I could enjoy myself in there when I know James has gone off after Sirius' Death Eaters?"

"How did you—" Remus blinked in surprise, unable to finish the question.

"I know James, and I know you. When you left me tonight that just solidified my suspicions. You met him in Hogsmeade as soon as you dropped me off here and apparated him to the meeting?"

Remus still looked a bit stunned, but fortunately didn't bother trying to lie. "Yeah. His blood and cloak got him the rest of the way."

Lily sneered in bitter triumph. James making a blood sacrifice? She'd never let him live it down…

"But why are you worried? James is with him now."

"That _is_ why I'm worried. Sirius is used to that sort of thing. He could sit and drink all evening with Death Eaters he hates and still be charming. James… can't. He's going to go after them."

She tried to keep the panic out of her voice. He _was_ a trained auror, after all. It was his job to catch dark wizards. Duelling was part of his career. It was normal. Expected…

Remus pried her wringing hands apart and made calming shushing noises, as he might with a skittish horse.

x

With an exhausted but accomplished smile, James had told him not to wait up. Sirius didn't intend to. No doubt the auror had lots of paper work to do down at Magical Law Enforcement. Lots of editing of the facts. Sirius didn't want his best friend's name attached to these arrests; the trail could too easily lead back to him should anyone make the effort to follow it.

It was a positively indecent hour to go home, being only a quarter past twelve: too late to be called an early night in and far too early to be a late night out. There was no decent (or suitably indecent) reason for coming home at so bland a time.

Struck with the idea that he could call on Mundungus Fletcher, he almost made to disapparate to the Hovel or the Head, but paused, thinking of the way he left Remus. James' arrival was proof that Remus had a hand in it, and would very likely be waiting for any news. To his discredit, Sirius considered going to Dung anyway, but in the end decided he might as well reassure Remus of his and James' continued existence.

He entered his flat to find, not only Remus, but the redhead and Peter as well, all of them sitting on the floor in a circle, as if unaware of the purpose of furniture. At his entrance all three heads looked up expectantly.

"As you can see," he said sarcastically. "I haven't got myself killed, nor has our courageous Mr. Potter, and two Death Eaters are on their way to Azkaban." He snorted. "If they're not there already."

"Well that's good. See? Told you everything would work out, din'I?" said Peter. "Always does. Dropped by only to find that you were gone, but these two were loitering about so decided to stick around and find out how you and Prongs got on. Join us for a round of Snap?"

Sirius then noticed the small pile of cards between them, mostly hidden behind Peter's bulk. A child's game. No, he didn't particularly care to stick around and pretend to be in his third year again.

"No, thank you though. I'm not staying." Now he'd reported back he was going to find Fletcher. Hopefully he wasn't in a den again.

"Where you going?" asked Remus.

"Oot," he answered, unconsciously uttering his 'out' with a Scottish accent, no doubt in mental preparation for the persona he was about to adopt for the night.

For some reason Sirius couldn't discern, Lily grinned conspiratorially. "Say hello to Dung for me."

Remus frowned in confusion at her, but Sirius couldn't hide the smile that pulled at the corner of his mouth, his first real smile that day.

_Clever girl._

Still smirking, he nodded at her in a promise to relay the message, then departed.

x

Remus followed the lecture, and allowed it to be interesting, but he wasn't hanging on the speaker's every word as Lily was. Literally on the edge of her seat, she leaned forward as if to bring herself that much closer to the lecturer, her quill darting rapidly across an 8th piece of parchment all on its own. He kept his ears in tune but allowed his eyes to wander around the room, ignoring his growling stomach, announcing it was nearly time to break for lunch.

It was a cavernous place, massive, with a vaulted ceiling that caused the already magically projected voice to echo and fill the entire room with his talk. Hundreds of people were there; nearly every one of them was bound to be better read in Potions than he was, unless they were in his position. He supposed it wasn't unlikely that a third of the people in the room were vaguely interested, if at all, and simply escorting a genuine enthusiast or professional potioneer. In fact, he rather suspected that they were the ones also looking around the room, rather than avidly at the speaker.

When he realised he'd stopped paying attention completely to watch the other attendees, he directed his attention back to the man called Belby, who had Lily so completely entranced. Gradually, Remus felt the hairs on the back of his neck begin to rise. It was an expression used by many but as he was a werewolf, this was more than just a figure of speech.

Feeling the eyes of someone on him, Remus searched for his observer. It wasn't long before he found himself staring back. Black eyes glittered with malice from across the room at him. It had been many years since he'd seen Severus Snape, but he recalled the man's features perfectly.

Remus swallowed, trying to assess the situation. Were he and Lily in danger? Severus Snape was a known Death Eater, she, a muggleborn, and he, not only a werewolf but a hated enemy even outside the scope of the war. Remus had to assume that the wizard was a threat. Should he take Lily out now? Try to slip away during lunch and not come back? Sure, she'd complain about missing the conference, but Severus was a dangerous wizard, always had been, even before he came a Death Eater. He'd known more curses in his first year than quarrelsome N.E.W.T students in their seventh.

Not wanting to alert those in their proximity to the situation, Remus grabbed a blank sheet of parchment, found a quill and scribbled a note.

_D.E. here. We should go._

He pushed the note over to her, but had to forcefully nudge her with his elbow to finally get her attention.

She looked down, read it, wrinkled her nose in displeasure, and went back to listening to the lecture.

He elbowed her again and she huffed impatiently, grabbed the quill and scribbled back.

_Don't care. Not leaving. He's probably here for the lecture too._

Remus looked back at Snape, who was now watching Lily's arrested interest.

_After Belby's lecture then._

He poked her to make her read it.

She glared at him, pointed her wand at the parchment and made it vanish with a nonverbal _Evanesco_.

.

When they finally did break for lunch, Remus had a difficult time trying to both lead Lily subtly away through the throngs _and_ keep an eye out for Severus Snape. In fact, he was so busy trying not to lose track of either that he ended up losing both. When he realised that he could no longer see the redhead _or_ his black-haired foe, he growled in extreme frustration.

"Perhaps they ought to think of putting a muzzle on you," came a low, mocking voice. Remus whirled around to see Snape, whose face was oddly blank. In school you could read him quite easily, when he was furious, or embarrassed, his features made it plain. Now it was if he wore a mask that hid his every intention.

"As you appear to be snarling at the guests."

"Severus," he greeted, not having much else to say. Snape didn't acknowledge the greeting, just continued on through the crowd, daring to walk away even with his back turned. Though he kept his wand clenched tightly in his fist, Remus admitted that he wasn't tempted to cast a hex from that strategic, though unsportsmanlike, position. Despite the fact that Snape was a confirmed Death Eater, Remus still felt guilty for what he'd almost done to him at Hogwarts. He felt reluctant to attack him in any way, even if it was entirely justified. It made him quite miserable, thinking about it. He didn't want to be weakened by any sympathy for the enemy, be it misplaced or not. Though he knew that reluctance could have dangerous consequences… Remus didn't want to think about it, so didn't.

x

Severus watched from a discrete distance. He would have enjoyed goading the wolf longer, but he'd seen a shock of red hair, noticed Lily was conversing with the Conference Master himself, and had to know what about. He hadn't been aware they were in any way connected, let alone acquainted. Sure he was out of sight, he cast an eavesdropping charm. Annoyingly, it also picked up the conversations around the pair in which he was interested, but he did his best to block out all other distracting useless chatter and focus, making a mental note to refine the spell so as to avoid these hindrances in future.

"I know you're disappointed, my dear," said Belby. "Believe me, so am I, but that's the way of things, I'm afraid."

"But why?" Lily asked, her voice a little choked up.

Belby sighed. "The project was not deemed 'worthwhile' by one of the leading benefactors, so the funding was cut."

"Let me guess. The Society for the Control and Destruction of Dangerous Half Breeds?"

"Quite right."

"You'd think that they'd embrace a cure for lycanthropy, not stomp it out," she remarked bitterly.

_Cure for lycanthropy?_ Belby was creating, or _had been_ creating, a cure for lycanthropy? Incredible. What wasn't much of a surprise was that Purebloods Against Crossbreeds, aka PAX, aka SCDDHB had put a stop to it.

"Perhaps one day when things are… different… I'll be able to take up the project again. Your findings were, so far as I managed to get, quite promising. I do think you have something there. I'd have loved to investigate further. The samples—"

"Remus!"

Severus scowled to himself at the interruption of what was quickly becoming a deeply interesting conversation about a revolutionary potion.

"There you are. You disappeared." Severus adjusted his position to get a better view of the group. "Master Belby," said the wolf, extending his hand, "an honour to meet you."

"Master Belby," Lily introduced. "This is my friend. Remus Lupin."

The man took in Lupin's appearance and a questioning looked passed from Belby to Lily, and she nodded minutely. Understanding seemed to cross his face as he took the werewolf's hand. "Ah. Mr. Lupin. Pleased to make your acquaintance. We were just—"

"We were just discussing the lecture," Lily lied quickly, stopping whatever else Belby might have been about to say. The Master Potioneer seemed to understand that Lupin was a lycanthrope, and Lily hadn't mentioned the possible cure to him.

"Oh. It was fascinating, of course, Master Belby. Very impressive," said Lupin, unaware of it all.

"Yes, thank you. Glad you enjoyed it, but I see the Head of International Magical Cooperation. If you'll excuse me." He turned to Lily. "Miss Evans, it was a pleasure. I hope we may one day meet again." He kissed her hand, gave her what might have been a meaningful look, and left.

"Quick work," said Lupin, sounding amused but also slightly disapproving. "Beguiled him already, have you?"

"I wish," she said, taking in the paternal frown and laughing. "Don't look like that. Harmless flirtation, that's all," she said, seizing upon Lupin's misunderstanding of the situation to downplay her interaction with Belby. From what Severus had seen, there had been no coquetry of any kind.

Severus wished he could get her away from Lupin so he could ask her about Belby's possible cure, and what role she played in it, but at the same time, he wasn't sure his occlumency skills could hide such a conversation, in which case it would have been better never to have heard anything at all. Not that it mattered, as the werewolf was stuck to her side now.

"I think it's time to go," muttered Lupin.

"Then leave. I'll let you know how the rest of the Conference goes," she replied haughtily.

"Lily," Lupin growled. "That Death Eater I told you about has done nothing but stare at you for the last several minutes. He must recognise you from somewhere. And he hates me already."

_Damn. _The werewolf had caught him watching. Hopefully he would take it as an effort to disconcert him, by stalking the witch he was with.

"Hates you? Is he SCDDHB?"

Lupin shook his head. "No. We were in school together. In fact, he has every good reason to hate me. I nearly killed him. All the more reason to get out of here."

Lily's eyes widened, but only for a moment. Comprehension that the Death Eater in question was Severus himself, perhaps? He didn't know, but he suspected so.

"Remus, it's hardly likely that the Dark Lord would send a single Death Eater to a Potion's Conference to attack the mudbloods and werewolves who dared attend," she said sarcastically.

"Language!" said Lupin, scandalised, but Lily paid him no mind.

"If he is here, it's probably for education and research purposes, not to terrorise the guests. We'll leave him alone. He'll leave us alone." Yes, she knew it was he, alright.

"And if he finds us outside after a lecture?"

"Then it's two against one," she said confidently.

"He could have a fellow with him, one I don't recognise."

"Remus, this is an amazing opportunity and I refuse to be bullied away from it. I want to be here. I _need_ to be here. I feel like I _belong_ here. You can't take that from me nor can some skulking Death Eater…"

.

The next day, Severus was pleased (or partially pleased) to see that Lily had been successful in her campaign to stay for the second day of the Conference, though her self-appointed protector attended too, rarely taking his gaze off Severus. The other man's eyes were determined, but not challenging. As they had such consistent eye-contact, Severus decided to try Legilimency for the first time in his life.

As his subject was so far across the room, the connection was rather weak. He gathered it was weak, anyway, from what he'd read. This was probably a good thing, as the werewolf didn't seem to notice as Severus skimmed off the top layer of memories to peruse. Nearly all of them were either recollections of Lily or himself; recent memories, some agreeable, some argumentative. Also he found the more salient memories from their time at Hogwarts, mainly of Severus being targeted and attacked by Lupin and his friends. The one that riled Severus the most was a conversation between Lily and Lupin, one that had no doubt taken place the night before.

He explained to her how he and his friends had conspired to kill Severus. Though of course, the sly wolf didn't put it like that. Of course not. To Lily he expanded on the horror, the regret, the guilt (he claimed) that lingered still.

Severus didn't believe a word. If the wolf had been with the rest of his pack, they would have no doubt revisited the story with hearty guffaws and slaps on the back, congratulating themselves for having got away with near murder without punishment. What was more, how 'Snivellus' _owed_ James Potter his life. They'd crow at that, that to this day Severus suffered from a life debt…

It was that fact that made him hate Potter above all others, even Black and Lupin. It filled him with impotent fury to be so bound to a man who had actively endeavoured to make his life a misery. Of course, Lily had believed the mangy creature's lies, had sympathised. Severus felt betrayed that she'd taken Lupin's side.

_Would you prefer she openly stood up for you? Admit that she was in contact with you?_ It would be a death sentence. And yet…

And yet it would be nice for _someone_ to support him… for once.

x

The Headmaster wasn't in when she and Remus returned by floo to his office. Lily did her best to hide her hands, which were clenching, unclenching, and clenching again in impatient anxiety, but Remus always was inconveniently perceptive.

"In a hurry?" he asked.

"Why do you ask?"

"Oh nothing, only that I have to jog to keep up with you."

"Oh." She slowed immediately, but not by much.

The answer was yes, she _was_ in a hurry to say goodbye to Remus at the portrait hole. Then, she would finally be free to scurry off to the Hogshead. She wasn't certain he'd be there, but that look that Severus had given her from across the room just before they were about to leave had meant _something_, and she could think of no other meeting place, save perhaps Spinner's End. But Severus would know better than to make her apparate there, letting those in the Map Room at the Ministry know where she was.

"Need the loo," she explained, which wasn't really a lie, it just didn't reflect the truth behind her haste.

He grinned. "Merlin, so do I. I'll race you there." He didn't say anything so childish as 'last one there's a dungbomb,' but he did unfairly start off at a run before she had a chance to reply.

"Remus, wait!" she called after him.

He didn't.

"Cheater!" she shouted, sprinting after him, wondering how on earth she was managing to draw sufficient breath for both the race and laughter at the same time. At least they were going down the staircases and not up them.

"Not fair! You had a head start!" she gasped once she reached her rooms (the loser, naturally.)

Remus, looking quite relieved already and wholly unrepentant, laughed. "A simple impedimenta would have evened the score."

Lily did her best to look like a forbidding school-ma'am. The effect would have been much better if she had spectacles to peer over, like James or Dumbledore. "Two wrongs do not make a right, Mr. Lupin," she said austerely, and walked, quite dignified, to the bathroom.

.

"Thanks for coming with me this weekend, Remus," she said in the corridor as she was seeing him off. "It means a lot." For all that his presence turned out to be more of a hindrance at times, she was still grateful he'd been willing to come with her.

She kissed him goodbye and waited in her room just long enough to be sure Remus was gone before she made her way for the secret passage.

.

He was there.

A frisson of excitement made her momentarily tingle all over, if that wasn't just the lingering chill of the bitterly cold passage. He'd actually come. Finally she could ask him about the Conference, and more importantly, about that warning letter he'd sent to the Headmaster.

She took extra care to make sure none of her hair was visible from beneath her hood. Aberforth was hardly the gossipy type but even his tongue might wag if she were seen making a rendezvous with an obviously non-Order member.

She sat down quietly across from him, her back to the room.

He glanced up at her, then to the door, then at her again. She felt a few privacy charms already in place, but added some more of her own before she spoke.

"I was glad to see you in London."

"Surprising, considering the tenor of your last letter," he remarked in an even drawl.

Lily grimaced. "It had been a bad day," she explained feebly. "That was the proverbial last straw, I suppose."

He made a half-hum, half-grunting sound in the back of his throat.

"But what _was_ that all about? What could you possibly mean by it?"

"Precisely what I said," he replied, irritatingly in monotone.

"_Why_ then should muggleborns leave?"

"You need to ask?" he said, his lip curling in cruel condescension.

"Apparently so!" she snapped, tired of dancing around the issue.

His voice, already pitched low, dropped another notch. "I assume you know about the Registration Act?"

She nodded.

"Well, if you want to avoid the Ministry Markers then that castle is the _last_ place you'd wish to be…"

It wasn't a threat, not quite, but it was fear inspiring all the same.

"When?" she asked, or rather croaked, urgently. She certainly wasn't leaving Hogwarts but it would be beneficial to be able to warn others.

"Start of next week," he replied. "Tuesday at the outside."

"That's not much time," she said, frowning.

A long silence stretched between them.

"If…" Severus stopped himself, sounding unsure. "You could go to Petunia—"

"I will _never_ put my family in danger again," she said firmly.

"You really have nowhere to go?" he continued with scepticism that bordered on accusatory.

"I really don't," she answered. "I can't leave Hogwarts. I've already resigned myself to being marked as a mudblood. Everyone knows it already anyway."

Severus' lips were pushed so firmly together they practically disappeared.

"Spinner's End."

"What?" she asked, sure she must be confused.

He took a deep breath as if to prepare himself for some daunting task.

"Stay at Spinner's End. No one would ever find you there."

Lily blinked, mouth slack. "S—stay with you?"

"Yes," he clipped, not sounding pleased with the idea himself.

"But the Order will want to know where I am. It'll never work."

"You'll have to cut off all contact. It's the only way you'll truly be safe."

"You can't be serious. Give up my education? My friends? My work? Any chance of a future just to avoid a little mark that states the obvious anyway?"

He took her hands in his and leaned across the table.

"It's not. Just. A mark…"

Lily's insides went cold at his tone.

"You won't _have_ a future with that mark. Every avenue will be closed to you. You will be exiled from our world as you would be if you chose a muggle life, but this way you'd be hated and reviled, a target for every bigot with a wand, do you understand?" he hissed angrily.

Lily hastily pulled her hands free, tucking them beneath her armpits, a large lump in her throat preventing her from answering. She felt like she were child being shouted at for being very naughty but without understanding what she'd done wrong; helpless, confused but made to feel deeply remorseful all the same. She looked down at her hands and tried to control her breathing.

"Do you understand?" he repeated, this time more gently. "Lil Bit?"

She shook her head contrarily. "I do, but it doesn't matter. I won't abandon the Order and leave them to fight my battles for me."

"It's not your—"

"It is!"

Severus flinched and looked around the room quickly to ascertain if her outburst had garnered any unwelcome attention, then glowered at her censoriously.

Lily continued more quietly. "It _is_ my fight and if I run away and hide it'll just be admitting defeat. I'm not ready to do that yet…"

"Will you ever be?"

"No."

Severus sighed. "You're a fool not to be afraid."

She chuckled, though why she didn't know, she felt not the least bit humorous. "I'm not scared, Severus…" she said steadily. This time it was her turn to reach across the table and shakily take his hands. "I'm _terrified_."

.

Lily looked down at the gloomy passage entrance. Dark, cold, narrow and unwelcoming. Then she looked across the grounds that led to Hogwarts, lit with tempting moonlight. Decided, she closed and secured the hatch before changing into her doe form.

She wanted to shake off her conversation with Severus. Eventually, Lily had brought herself to discuss the lectures they'd both heard that weekend. It had been interesting, as she knew it would be, but their previous discussion hung over them like some perverse penumbra, tainting the conversation, making every word a bit bitter in her mouth, darkening her mood.

She hadn't made it two steps outside the village when she heard a loud pop of apparition nearby. Her tail shot up and she froze automatically, nothing moved but her ears, which twitched and rotated to hear more.

Her eyes found in the night the figure that had so suddenly appeared; a messy haired, bespectacled fellow with a wand in one hand and a broom in the other, looking a bit ragged.

She took a step toward him. Hearing her, he whirled around, wand at the ready.

She took a few more steps in his direction and slowly he lowered his wand.

"It's you," he said, relieved.

"It's me," she confirmed, now back in her usual body. "Just got back from the Symposium," she lied. Yes, she _did _lie a lot, didn't she? James was right. For all that she'd made a promise to be more open with him, she couldn't very well tell him she'd met Severus. That would be the one thing she could never admit. Everything else could come in time, but Severus would forever be her secret if she wanted to keep James and Sirius as friends.

"Oh. Erm... how was it?" he asked, doing his best to ignore this monstrously awkward coincidence of meeting so improbably.

"Good," she answered lightly, trying not to give any sign of her doom and gloom mood.

"Good," he echoed, nodding. James cleared his throat. "Want a ride back to the castle?" he asked, lifting up his broom in invitation.

"No, thank you," she replied. "I want to walk."

He seemed to droop slightly at her response.

"But you're welcome to walk with me." The rising intonation made it more of a question.

He smiled and swung his broom over his shoulder and together they made their way back to the castle.

"Have you been on call all weekend?" she asked.

He sighed. "Yep. Didn't even bother coming back here. I just slept at my desk at HQ. Knew it would only be a matter of time before I was called out again."

"Poor boy."

He shrugged. "Busy, but productive. Nine arrests."

"Including the ones you made at Sirius' club?" she asked sweetly.

He snorted. "Might have known you'd figure it out."

"Yes, you might."

"Make it eleven then," he revised proudly. "And you? Did you manage to seduce Belby at last?"

Lily knew he was joking but couldn't bring herself to smile.

"I spoke to him. He told him the SCDDHB cut the funding for his lycanthropy project," she reported sadly, relieved that she could finally get this off her chest. She had spoken of it to Severus, but strictly in an academic way. PAX hadn't been mentioned at all.

"Fuck," he breathed heavily.

"Indeed," she agreed.

"Does Remus—?"

"No. He's none the wiser. Though the worst of it is, Belby was making serious progress, on the verge of a breakthrough with one of his samples." Assaulted by a fresh wave of anger and resentment, Lily made a fist with one hand and punched the palm of the other.

"I hate them. I really do," she growled.

James nodded, jaw tight. "Keep a close tally. One day we'll collect."

Lily knew James wasn't speaking only about PAX, but of everything and everyone they'd lost in the way. Her parents, his mother, Weyland, Roo, Gideon Prewitt, Benjy Fenwick, Marlene McKinnon, countless others. They had tried for Remus, failed, but kept up the attempt to ruin his life and those of all others who suffered from the same condition. All the muggleborns and their families…

This just reminded her again of her conversation with Severus about the Muggleborn Registration Act, and her mood sank still further. What she'd said had been true, she _was _resigned to take the mark, but she knew she wasn't ready to be a social pariah.

Then again, that was just Severus' assertion. A Death Eater's point of view. That was what they _wanted_ to happen, but who knew really the way things would actually play out?

x

When Remus returned to London that evening he was immediately greeted by Sirius.

"How was the conference?" he asked indifferently as he crossed into the kitchen.

"Good. Very interesting." He debated whether or not to mention this next bit, then decided that he dared. "Severus Snape was there."

Sirius' head popped back into the sitting room. "Snape?" he asked, his face contorted into an ugly scowl.

"Yes. He didn't do anything though. Death Eater though he may be, I think he really was there just for the lectures. Always did like potions in school. I thought about taking Lily home the moment I saw him, even mentioned the idea, but she wouldn't hear of it. Kept my eye on him though, as he did me. We even had words."

"What kind of words?" Sirius asked sharply, now on point.

"Just passing greetings," he replied. "He made some remark about my wearing muzzles in public, and I said something similar about him and masks and that was about it."

This of course, was a lie. Remus hadn't given a return insult, but he knew Sirius would expect one.

"Bah," said Sirius, though he was grinning. "Good to know you gave him a hard time. Are you drinking?" he asked, pointing to the bottle from which he'd poured his own drink, and waving an empty glass questioningly.

"Go on then."

Remus could tell already that Sirius was in one of those moods again, where he would drink an obscene amount and invariably go out and do something outrageous. It was happening more frequently lately, a worrying pattern.

His suspicion was proved true when, three hours later, Sirius was drunkenly ranting.

"Tell me, how is it," Sirius began, taking a drag from his newly lit fag. "That we say that someone is ugly as sin, and yet we find sin itself so utterly tempting?" He blew out the rest of the smoke with a satisfied sigh as he admired the cigarette he held. "And why is it," he started again, standing quickly from his seat and taking long powerful strides across the room to the liquor cabinet to pour himself yet another drink as he spoke. "That we are supposed to turn away from sin, which for all that it is tempting is presumably ugly, yet it is considered charitable to ignore the ugliness in others, hmm? If they were going to be consistent they'd stick with one or the other. Turn away from both temptation and unprepossessing people, or accept the vices in others as we'd accept disfigurement of their faces. But no, we have to deny ourselves both the nicer vices, including the more beautiful temptations, and at the same time be honest, but not too honest when it comes to those we find disgusting."

"A rhetorical and hypothetical debate, I'm assuming, as you never deny yourself anything nor concern yourself about honesty," quipped Remus dryly from behind his newspaper, which he'd picked up some time ago. Not that Sirius' argument had made any amount of sense. "And what on earth have you been reading to get you started like that?"

"Have you ever met a vicar, Remus?"

"No, can't say that I have," he replied, not that he knew what a vicar was.

"I have, one Sunday morning, after I met his wife the night before."

Remus refrained from commenting on the dubious manners of someone who greets a man whose wife he'd just bedded only hours before.

"He'd arrived at such a damned awkward time, and she made up such a clever little tale about something or other to explain my presence. I was still sloshed and so amused by the whole farce that when this vicar chap invited me to 'attend' that morning I thought why not, and the three of us all went off together to a meeting, where she, myself, and a whole slew of other people listened to him pontificate about sin and sincerity. I sat between these two ancient biddies, you know, with the most absurd hats. Stood and sang songs, sat and listened, stood and sang. And there was this disturbing sort of ritualised chanting they did, it was the most curious thing. They all got on their knees, closed their eyes and said the exact same thing. I thought for certain that something would happen, but then I remembered that they were muggles and they couldn't possibly be doing magic, but the way they carried on you'd think that's what they thought they were about."

"So what was the point?"

"Haven't the slightest. But I went to tea afterwards with the old biddies _and_ the faithful vicar and his faithless wife."

"You do some of _the_ most bizarre things," said Remus, shaking his head. But that was Sirius all over.

"Old biddies grow on you after a time," Sirius reflected. "Such ridiculous creatures, and they say the most outlandish things, one can't help but like them."

"Right…"

Sirius tossed down another entire shot of whatever it was he was drinking. Remus himself had stopped a long time ago. It was a marvel Sirius could still sit up right, let alone make fluid sentences.

"Moony…" his friend began. "I want to ask you something."

"Go right ahead."

"I mean, I don't _want_ to but I'm afraid I must. But I know you must have undergone the same thing so you'd know about it."

"I guess I must."

"So might as well just come out and say it."

"Might as well."

"Right." Sirius leaned forward a bit in his chair and Remus leaned forward too, welcoming the impending question. "You changed a bit, after that silver poisoning incident, didn't you?"

Remus sat back, putting futile distance between then. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked defensively.

"No no, you misunderstand me. Let's try again. You know about life debts?"

"Of course," he answered, still cautious.

"You didn't feel one."

"No."

"But you did feel _something_."

"What are you getting at?" demanded Remus, unnerved by Sirius unblinking intensity.

"Since she saved my life…" Consciously or unconsciously, he brought his hand to his neck to caress the scar there, remnant of the wound that had permanently changed his voice. "I felt a connection there that hadn't been there before. I felt… _feel_… bound to her. You must as well."

Remus felt his brows rising, fighting the twitching corners of his mouth to hide a growing smile.

"Yes." Remus agreed, inviting him to continue.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Well, what is it? I've spent hours of research and found nothing, nothing which explains it. It's no life debt and yet I'm somehow shackled to her all the same. I can't find in anything I've read that explains this… this… compulsion."

Unable to stop himself, he asked mischievously, "What compulsion?"

"To be near her, damn it! It's blasted inconvenient, as well as unnatural to be concerned like this about someone's welfare that is not one's own."

Remus couldn't help it. He burst out laughing.

"What in Merlin's name do you find so amusing?" he asked angrily.

"You. Fretting for naught about being magically bound."

Sirius inhaled sharply, nostrils flared. "You _will_ explain."

"Yes, I will. You're right on every count," he said, waving a hand to tell Sirius to wait when started laughing again. "But the cause of your symptoms isn't magical at all."

"But I _felt_—"

"I know you did, so did I, so would anyone. It's called love, Padfoot."

Sirius stopped instantly, and seemed in that moment, to become completely sober somehow.

"Gratitude. Appreciation. Care. Any muggle would feel the same thing. You might not be magically bound to her but your own feeling, your own conscience will want to repay her somehow."

"Conscience?" Sirius spat with the contemptuous outrage a proud general might repeat the word 'surrender' if someone dared suggest it.

"I'm afraid so," said Remus, no longer laughing outright but still grinning broadly. "Conscience, affection, gratitude, decorum, decency, love, honour, good form!" Remus shouted blithely, knowing that each successive term made his friend increasingly uncomfortable.

"Stop!" Sirius bellowed, getting to his feet putting up an indignant hand. "Not another confounded word."

He strode across the length of the room to grab his cloak.

"Where are you going?" Remus asked, seeing that his friend had opened the front door and meant to storm out.

"Singapore!" Sirius shouted, and slammed the door behind him.

Remus supposed he shouldn't have laughed at him like that, but it was simply too entertaining. He chuckled to himself even then, shaking his head in amusement at the thought of Sirius being flabbergasted by his own human feelings.

x

"Singapore?" James asked the image in the mirror that was not his own.

"Singapore," Sirius confirmed.

"Whatever for?"

"Just to get away for a bit."

"But you only just got back from your last trip." James had never seen his friend behave this way and was quickly growing concerned.

"Only for a few days. I'll be back before the weekend."

"Are you really alright?"

"Fine, fine. Just bored, that's all."

A bored Sirius was dangerous… His restlessness caused him to do reckless things, like gallivanting incognito with Dark Wizards. Such was the reason why James and Remus visited the Headmaster later that week to perhaps discus finding something more for Sirius to do for the Order, as he was taking the inactivity rather badly.

"Hmm," said Dumbledore after having listened to what they had to say. "Yes, you are quite right. I don't suppose you could encourage him to find himself some kind of employment? A profession?"

James shook his head. "He doesn't want a profession. I thought for a time curse breaking at Gringotts would suit him, but he refuses to take orders from goblins, or from anyone, really. I thought, if he had more Order work to do… He likes that."

"And we cannot afford to lose him…" An urgent knock sounded at the door. "If you would kindly wait upstairs?"

They nodded and walked up a curving flight of steps to what appeared to be an observatory of sorts. A great telescope sat in the centre of the room, pointing out the open window. Curiously, James swung it around to see how heavy the great metal tube was, and found that wherever the lens was pointed, the ceiling or wall would disappear to reveal the night sky. However his perusal of the small chamber was halted when he heard a familiar voice and went to peer over to balustrade to covertly watch the proceedings.

x

Lily sat in the library one night, trying to get some extra study on History of Magic, when nearly Headless Nick floated in and distracted her, as he usually did, with the latest gossip. Lily went from being a patient and impartial listener, to standing up, incensed. Dante de Beaulieu, the boy for whom Severus had asked for help in getting him out of the Death Eaters' reach, the boy whom Sirius had taken such lengths to arrange a job for after graduation, had met with a known Death Eater during the same Hogsmeade visit that Rupert had died. One of the other ghosts had overheard him discussing it with a friend and had reported it immediately. De Beaulieu was to be expelled and was, even at that very moment, packing his trunk.

Lily didn't waste any time. Leaving all her things but her wand in the library, she went straight to the Headmaster's office.

"Yes, Miss Evans? How can I help you?" greeted the Headmaster with his characteristic good manners.

"I want you to bring back Dante de Beaulieu," she stated baldly.

"Oh?"

"Yes. I don't think he should be expelled."

"Ah. You know something, perhaps, that will prove his innocence?"

She shook her head. "No sir, nothing. He probably did meet with a Death Eater that day. Possibly many other days as well."

"Then please explain why he should not be punished," he entreated politely.

"Because this is his last year. He needs to finish his education."

"There are those who would say he's lost that privilege, being in contact with Death Eaters."

"You know he hasn't got any parents. He hasn't got anywhere else to go. Even if he is on James' list of possible Death Eater recruits." Which she knew for a fact he was, she'd seen the list many times. "All the more reason to show him compassion! Talk to him. Let him know he has a choice. That he isn't condemned to the Dark Lord's service, or won't be if he's allowed to finish his education and find a job elsewhere. Tell him he has other options. And if you don't, I'll march right into the Slytherin common room and do it myself."

Rather than answer one way or another to her demand, he folded his hands and looked at her intently through his half-moon spectacles. "And what makes you feel this way, Miss Evans?"

Lily felt a rant that had long been building about to explode forth. It was quite possibly a very bad idea, but Merlin help her, Dumbledore needed to hear it or the same thing would happen over and over again.

"Severus Snape," she answered boldly.

If the Headmaster was surprised, he hid it well. "Continue," he requested evenly.

So continue she did. She berated Dumbledore for his treatment of Severus during his school days. She spoke of the whole incident of Sirius trying to kill Severus, and how Dumbledore had handled it with favouritism, rather than correctly and impartially. The Headmaster had replied that as Sirius hadn't actually put his hands on Snape to kill him, and that it had been Snape who had broken the rules and left the castle that night, there was really nothing to be done.

"But there's more to it than that, isn't there, sir?" she asked, trying to keep the bitterness out of her voice. "You didn't want to expel Sirius. He needed James and you didn't dare separate them for fear that Sirius would fall away from the good influences of his Gryffindor friends and return to what his family wanted him to be and what the rest of the world thought he already was. A Black. You wanted to save him from that, yes? You didn't want to turn him back to his relations because you knew what he would become if you did. You thought _he_ would be recruited by Death Eaters. Like his brother."

After a long painful pause, the Headmaster nodded minutely.

"So you chose to save him at Severus' expense, pushing Severus off to suffer the same fate you were trying to spare Sirius! Cast off, told that his attempted murder meant nothing, that you cared more for Sirius' wellbeing than you did for his." It was true, unfair, but true, and she wanted Dumbledore to know that she knew it. "You thought Severus less worth saving, harder to save, already further down that road than Sirius, so you sacrificed him, threw him to the Death Eaters."

"He made his own choice to go."

Lily immediately changed tack. "Remember when my parents died, and you paid for me to stay at the Leaky Cauldron and personally came to take me to King's Cross when term started? What did you do for Severus?"

There was a silence.

"That's what I thought. Was I different because I was a Gryffindor? Or was it was because I was a Death Eater victim? More important than just a little domestic disturbance? His father only nearly beat him to death, _murdered_ his mother and then committed suicide, not at _all_ traumatic to a child," she said sarcastically. "You knew. You _knew_ the hell he went through that summer and every horribly abusive summer before that and yet when he was constantly bullied and almost _killed_ that very year, mere months after it happened, you gave him no chance to heal! You left him completely alone. At least Remus had his friends to talk to. Supportive friends who cared."

"Severus had friends in Slytherin."

"Whom you made him swear not to tell! He had no one in whom to confide. No one to help him gain closure. In your effort to keep Remus' secret, you left Severus to close in on himself, angry, bitter, afraid and alone. You practically flung him at Voldemort's feet saying 'Here, we don't want him.' _Precisely_ the thing you were trying to keep Sirius from. _Your_ favouritism ruined Severus' life."

"What do you want me to do? Are you saying I should give Severus a second chance?" he asked. Lily thought she detected a hint of mocking superiority in that remark.

"A _second_ chance? Albus, you never gave him a first." She thought that was a good place to end it, so made for the door, astounded that on top of everything, she'd actually called him by his first name.

"Still, Severus Snape _is_ a Death Eater." Dumbledore's words halted her mid-stride. "He made his choice. We cannot change that."

She didn't even bother to turn around. It was easier not to look at him as she spoke. "I'm not arguing for Severus, but for Dante," she reminded him. "Death Eaters aren't born. They're made." Before she went down, she stopped at the top step. "And I hope you're proud of your handiwork, Professor," she said, descending the staircase.

x

Remus and James stood there, stunned. She had just accused the Headmaster of Hogwarts, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, of personally supplying Voldemort with Death Eaters. He had no idea of what James was thinking, but Remus secretly and guiltily agreed with everything she had said. None of the marauders had ever known what Snape had gone through as a boy, about his parents or the violence he suffered through as a child, before Hogwarts and during holidays. He could only wonder how _Lily_ of all people had known. Remus was filled with remorse that he had stood back and let his friends make his life even worse. _Was _it any wonder Snape had become a Death Eater? After all that?

Remus also had had no idea that Lily Evans and Severus Snape had been so closely connected. He could see it now, little signs he hadn't picked up before. Her carefully neutral expression when he explained his history with Severus during the Potions Symposium. Sirius' silent insistence that Lily not find out it had been Snape who had attacked him during that scuffle with the Death Eaters. How oddly Lily had reacted when Peter had described how they used to taunt Snape in their school days, and why James had reacted so poorly about it. So James and Sirius knew about her and Snape. Remus wasn't surprised they'd kept it to themselves.

He looked to James, who was facing forward, grinding his teeth, then looked downstairs at Headmaster Dumbledore. All this time, Remus had thought that the Headmaster had kept the whole affair quiet for _his _sake, so that his condition wouldn't be found out and he could stay at Hogwarts, but Dumbledore had silently admitted that it had been _Sirius_, not himself, for whom he'd been concerned and whom he'd wanted to keep in school.

Remus didn't know anything about this deBeaulieu boy, but by the sound of it he'd met with, but was not yet part of, the Death Eaters, and was to be expelled. Sirius, on the other hand, had tried to get someone killed, and hadn't been so much as suspended. It had seemed lucky at the time, though Remus had always thought that Sirius deserved a punishment for it. Instead, he recalled that the Headmaster had asked them all, despite their being very angry with Sirius for potentially ruining Remus' life and ending Snape's, not to cease being his friend. Granted, it hadn't been in their mind to disown him from the Marauders, but they were cold to him for a time.

"You may as well come down," said the Headmaster, pulling Remus out of his thoughts and back into the office. Dumbledore looked very tired and feeble as he sat behind his desk.

"Sir," said James in his stiffest auror voice, not referring to the scene they'd just witnessed.

"I'd be obliged if you went to Slytherin House and fetched Mr. deBeaulieu. I would like to speak to him. I will think more on what we may do for Sirius…"

In light of the conversation they'd overhead, the matter of how to keep Sirius occupied suddenly seemed a bit more pressing.

Once out of the office James turned to him, pointing a finger in his face.

"Do _not_. Tell. Sirius," was all he said before turning back and storming down the corridor to fetch the boy Lily had fought so hard to save.

x

Not a day after her rather cathartic experience in the Headmaster's office (for which she'd later apologised), Lily sat in her room, reading up on her History of Magic, when she heard a scratching at her door. Not a knock, but a scratch, like an animal begging to be let in. Curiously and cautiously, Lily gripped her wand to answer.

"Who is it?" she called through the door.

A plaintive canine whine answered back.

Sirius? He hadn't come to see her since… well since before she and James split up. Remus had stopped by often enough, but the only time she'd seen Sirius had been because she'd ambushed him at his house and he'd had no choice in the matter. In fact, she'd begun to think that he had been avoiding her, that they were no longer friends now that she and James weren't together.

She was happy therefore, to find that when she opened the portrait hole, sure enough, the monstrous black dog sat before her, thumping his tail on the ground. Lily stepped aside to let him in and the dog trotted in happily. She closed the door and sat down, but even then Sirius didn't change back, he simply flopped down at her feet in front of the fireplace.

"Sirius?"

No response but a thump of his tail.

"Won't you talk to me?" she asked. "You've been gone away so long, it's been ages since we've had a proper conversation."

Still, the dog did not bestir himself to change back into a man.

"What? You'll visit me but refuse to talk to me?" She huffed. "Well I haven't any use for smelly flea-bitten mongrels, so you can just leave."

She made for her room, but the great black dog cut her off, his head between his paws on the ground and his hind end in the air, tail wagging madly.

"Not the puppy eyes…" she said forlornly, knowing her resolve would quickly disappear. Sirius helped her along by nudging her hand with his nose, and she finally gave in and started petting and scratching, much to the beast's content.

"Last I heard you were in Singapore. Is something wrong?" she asked, kneeling down to continue petting.

With one comprehensive swipe of the tongue, he licked the side of her face from jaw to brow. Lily giggled and wiped her face.

"Guess not. Want to go for a walk? There's something I'd like to show you."

She'd wanted to consult Sirius for some time about her walking wards and of using blood to make it stick, but he had been noticeably absent. Now that he was there she was sure that the topic would tempt him to turn back into a man so he could put in his opinion, but to her surprise, he did not. A dog he remained throughout her entire demonstration and explanation.

She finally admitted defeat and sat down on the stone steps outside the front doors, grabbing fistfuls of hair as she scratched the beast behind the ears. He put his enormous head in her lap and sighed.

"I guess I can't blame you." Stroking him she sympathised, "It's easier being a dog, isn't it? Simpler." The dog whined faintly in plaintive acknowledgement. "Poor Snuffles. My poor poor puppy."

They stayed like that for a time, observing the night sky and the school grounds. Between periods of companionable silence she told him whatever came into her head; that deBeaulieu was staying at Hogwarts, that she'd finished her port-rings, but most of the time she was quiet. The wind blew across the water of the loch from the west, yet the Whomping willow beside it flailed as if the wind were pushing from the east at the same time. The image would have clashed had it taken place anywhere but here. Nothing was abnormal here. Not at Hogwarts.

Lily gasped. "Sirius!"

The canine's head came up instantly on the alert, looking around for danger.

"No, I've just remembered something. I need you to do something for me. You are the only one who can do it, the only one I trust to do it as well."

Grey eyes were not common for dogs, and when she looked directly into the beast's face, met its gaze, it was difficult to pretend this was just an overlarge pooch. There was a keen mind in there, no mistaking it, the singular intellect of Sirius. It was almost better that he refused to be a man. She'd take advantage of his not being able to ask any questions.

She held the dogs face in her hands, one on either side of his massive jowls. "I know the exact date the Ministry Markers are coming to Hogwarts for the Muggleborn Registration Act," she said. Hitherto that information had been a mystery. They only knew that it was to happen, not when. "This coming Monday. I can't say how I know but you have to tell the Order, say you learned it at your meeting or something. You'll do that won't you?"

He studied her intensely for a moment before nodding his great head.

"Thank you, Sirius."

The dog looked away, but didn't move from her side.

She knew it was asking a lot, but she knew she could count on Sirius. She would do the same for him and he knew it.

"I'm sorry to ask this of you, but you really are the only one I can trust."

Trust not to ask questions.

x

Sirius made the change back from quadruped to biped the moment he'd seen Lily safely inside. It was easier to think logically as a man than a dog, there were fewer sensory distractions. Though he had understood perfectly what she'd said. And there really was only one answer, wasn't there? There was only person in existence who both had the knowledge of a Death Eater, yet a desire to see Lily Evans spared the fate of all the other muggleborns and so share that information with her.

Sirius blasted a branch right off a tree in a sudden tantrum.

He hated that man, even more so now that he was actually proving to be more useful than Sirius himself was. It is a bitter and painful thing indeed, to acknowledge anything good in a person one despises. Sirius knew that having this information was a good thing, but he still couldn't stop himself from wishing that they didn't, that the slimy bastard would just leave well enough alone, stick to being a Death Eater and stay away from…

Sirius sighed, and pressed his temples. He had the beginning of a mighty headache.

More painful than the impending migraine was the thing Sirius didn't even want to admit to himself: she cared enough for the greasy git to protect him.

x

Friday evening found Lily Evans at yet another Slug Club meeting, her last, in all probability. The night before, Dumbledore had ordered a meeting for all the Order members within Hogwarts to let them know about the Marking day and what they would do about it. Lily was relieved that Sirius had carried out the favour, and didn't bother trying to look surprised, and went instead for a grim expression, which wasn't at all a challenge. Once she was marked she doubted that Horace would invite her again. She didn't particularly mind that, as she usually only went to spare her dear Potions teacher's feelings. She would, however, be extremely upset if he insisted that she stop brewing with him. That would be unbearable.

James was there too, though why she couldn't fathom. He had always complained about going when she asked that he go along. They didn't speak to each other, and only nodded greeting when they both found themselves at the refreshment table.

She found herself at Slughorn's side, being introduced to a young wizard named Valentine from the Experimental Charms Unit at the Ministry. The conversation was a bit dull, and Lily did her best to steer the conversation more toward Charmwork Theory, a topic which she adored and to which she thought that this Ambrose Valentine could contribute.

.

"Now however did you come up with that?" he asked, impressed by her explanation of one her complicated charms.

"She always thinks outside the box when it comes to magic," supplied a familiar, wry-toned voice. Valentine took in James, who had come up behind her. "I had her in my Defence Against the Dark Arts class. Professor Potter," he said extending his hand.

"Charms Master Valentine. How'dy'do." He turned back to Lily. "But do tell me Miss Evans, how it occurred to you to go about it that way."

x

James had been listening to the conversation for some time, and hadn't really meant to say his remark aloud.

"I'm a muggleborn," she replied breezily, to the surprise of the Charms Master. Not only was that something that one wouldn't freely admit, but it didn't even seem remotely related to the question she'd been asked. "I wasn't raised how to think about magic. I wasn't taught about its limits and rules. When _I_ was a girl, magic was a fantasy, something limited only by my imagination. Basically, I grew up thinking that with magic, _anything_ could be possible. For the most part, I've found that to be true… if you try hard enough."

James had never really thought of it that way before, and while _he_ found it interesting, it was clear that Valentine did not. His nose wrinkled slightly in ill-veiled disgust, and he did his best to smile at Lily and quickly excused himself.

"Get used to it, Lily," she told herself quietly.

James, feeling sorry for her, offered her his cup of punch, nearly full. "Drink?"

She looked at it, grimaced, and shook her head. "No, thanks."

"I tested it, it's clean," he assured her, knowing that she'd been hesitant to consume any public drink after Rupert Ferris' death.

She grinned a bit weakly and took it. "Thanks."

"Pleasure."

It was awkward. Though Valentine hadn't been openly rude, he obviously hadn't been very impressed with Lily being a muggleborn. Up until she'd pointed out the fact, the conversation had been going rather smoothly. It was something James, as a pureblood, had never experienced, and could only imagine what she would be going through at that moment. She loved magic beyond anything, was extremely clever and had the talent. He knew it must be hurt for those qualities to be disregarded simply because her parents weren't magical.

James was about to offer some words of sympathy, when Dante de Beaulieu accosted her with firm resolve.

Oh no. No, James hadn't meant it literally! The boy was actually going to…

Fuck.

De Beaulieu didn't see James trying to signal to him to stop, and eventually James just had to accept the fact that this was going to turn into a very dramatic evening.

"Lily Evans," greeted the boy. Lily looked surprised, but inquisitive.

"Dante."

"I should thank you," said the boy. Lily's eyes went wide and her face paled as she nervously looked to James then back to de Beaulieu.

"I haven't done anything," she said firmly, clearly not wanting this as much as James. She wasn't aware that he already knew, that she'd fought to keep this recruit in the castle, but she was about to find out.

"Professor Potter told me that I ought to thank you that I'm still in school." At this the boy nodded to James, who only rolled his eyes and suppressed a groan. "I don't know what you did, but I'm grateful." And having concluded his obligation to express gratitude, he walked off to rejoin his Quidditch friends.

Yes, James had said that, but more in sarcasm than anything. When he'd left Dumbledore's office that night he'd been in a rare mood. He was a bit resentful that this boy, who might be a danger to his fellow students, was allowed to stay, and when escorting the Ravenclaw back to his tower, had said in temper, 'You wouldn't still be here if it weren't for Lily Evans." It was more a complaint about the witch, but looking back he could see how the boy had taken it to mean he ought to thank her.

Since then he'd had time to calm down and think about everything he'd heard, but now it was about to be brought back up again.

Slowly, nervously, she turned to him.

"Let me explain," she pleaded, throwing up privacy charms. "I know he was on your list but—"

"You don't have to. I know."

She grew paler still. "How much did Dumbledore tell you?"

James paused, considering, then decided to go ahead and say the truth. If they didn't address it now, it might only become a bigger problem in the future. That was a lesson he'd learned.

"He didn't tell me anything. I heard."

"You heard?" she asked, aghast.

"Remus and I were in the office when you came in. We heard every word."

For a minute James thought Lily was going to faint, she swayed on the spot so precariously. He put his arms out just in case, but she steadied herself. More than that, she straightened her back, threw back her chin, and met his gaze, challengingly.

"I still believe that Dan deserves to be here."

"So do I," he told her, to her obvious astonishment. He wasn't surprised at her reaction. His initial feeling _had_ been to expel the boy, and it was only after of replaying her conversation with Dumbledore in his head multiple times (too many times to count) that he'd eventually come to the same conclusion. He'd had days to think about it, and decided that it was time he got over the fact that Severus Snape was an inextricable part of Lily's past. She'd gone to the Headmaster for de Beaulieu's sake, not Snape's. James had to remember that. She only used the example to make her point and help the young Ravenclaw. In fact, it only brought home the fact that James too, often played favourites, and how hurtful that could be. It was a bitter potion to swallow, but he had to admit that he, as a teacher, needed to adjust his methods.

"You do?"

"After careful consideration, yes. If he leaves Hogwarts now then he certainly will be snatched up by Death Eaters. He is, however, on in-house suspension until he graduates."

"What's the point of that if all Hosgmeade visits are cancelled anyway?" she asked.

"He won't be allowed to leave the castle for the Easter holidays."

"Oh."

"That's for his safety."

"So they can't get to him."

"Exactly."

"And…" she began nervously. "You aren't angry with me?"

"Not anymore," he replied.

"But you were." This wasn't a question.

He nodded. He wanted to say it was on account of the things she said about Sirius, but that wouldn't be true. He knew that Lily was truly fond of his friend. It was only that she also seemed to be fond of Snape that was the trouble. In his mind at the time he'd heard it, it had sounded as if she was taking Snape's part against them. And she had been. That had burned hotly, that feeling of betrayal, jealousy. After a few days, when logic began to seep back into his brain, James began to realise that she wasn't vilifying him and his friends, but the _Headmaster_.

Once that thought occurred to him everything else seemed to fall into perspective.

"Am I forgiven, then?" she asked.

He shook his head. "No, no. I was angry for the wrong reasons. I'm sure you can guess."

She nodded.

After a moment of silence, he asked, "I confess, it never occurred to any of us that Dumbledore was afraid that Sirius would turn. In fact, he still is."

"What?" asked Lily, outraged.

"That's why we were in his office at the time. We were worried about Sirius."

"Worried how?" she asked.

"Worried that he might do something rash if he wasn't given something more productive to do. The Headmaster vaguely hinted that we couldn't afford to lose Sirius, and Remus agreed. Looking back I think they were talking about Sirius turning to the other side."

"He'd never!" said Lily passionately. "He might be impulsive, even cruel at times but his heart is with the Order."

"I know that," said James, who was pleased that Lily also felt this way. "But the way it sounded, Remus thought that Sirius was so bored he'd side with whoever provided the most action, and Dumbledore's solution was to give Sirius more work, which granted, was what I was thinking Sirius needed anyway. Just to keep him from getting bored though. He _can_ be a bit troublesome when he's bored."

"Indeed. Last time that happened he got it into his head to get us together," she said, grinning, then realised what she said and stopped immediately, looking apologetic and awkward.

"I still hold that as one of his more brilliant ideas," said James pompously, earning him another smile.

"As a matter of fact, I saw Sirius last night."

"He's back from Singapore?" James asked, surprised. "He didn't say, the dog."

Lily shrugged. "He's much pleasanter as a dog. More affectionate."

"Yes, I would say he should make the change permanent," agreed James. "Pity he's not house-broken."

Lily laughed uproariously at this, which made James chest swell in pleasure.

She seemed to notice the same time as he did that several students were casting furtive glances in their direction and commenting to their friends, who would also turn to observe them speculatively.

"We should stop, we're attracting attention," she said.

"So I see. I'll see you tomorrow for patrols I guess. Enjoy the rest of your evening."

"Actually, I think that after Valentine I should just go."

"Or…," suggested James mischievously, "you could stay on and be twice as charming and conversational as before. Over there is a famous historian. Talk to him about Agrippa. He _loves_ talking about Agrippa. Trouble is to get him to stop." He winked.

.

James didn't join her, but as he made passes around the room he caught snippets of her conversation.

"… zeitgeist of the late 1600s"

"Bit unpopular with the muggles though. His '_Declamation on the Nobility and Preeminence of the Female Sex_, in 1529 wasn't well received."

"While muggles do have their own interesting history, they don't always go about things the most logical way."

James flinched, waiting for Lily to take offence or bring up the fact that she was muggleborn, but she didn't.

"No indeed. The muggle world is far behind the wizarding world as far as women's rights are concerned. Still an issue in many places."

"No sense. No sense at all, sometimes. 'Nothing is concealed from the wise and sensible, while the unbelieving and unworthy cannot learn the secrets.'* That is why some cannot understand others and yet some do, improving themselves from the connection."

Lily smiled. "Indeed. Was it not also Agrippa who said, "All things which are similar and therefore connected, are drawn to each other's power,'? *"

Delighted, the enthusiastic historian took Lily by the elbow and led her to the refreshment table. "I knew the moment we met that you were a kindred spirit. So few people these days truly appreciate Agrippa…"

.

Monday morning at Hogwarts found only three muggleborn students attending classes, including Lily. Not that she was attending _his_ class.

Those who had decided to stay had been warned of what would likely happen if they were seen as 'resisting' in any way, but James was still nervous. Who knew what would constitute resistance? Or, which concerned James more, who would be there to say if the student resisted or not? It was for this reason that he was determined to be there whenever the marking took place, and had said as much to the Headmaster.

At lunch time, a Ministry official (a Mr. Algernon Aldwinkle), accompanied by an entourage of five black robed men, entered the Great Hall, requesting that those whose names he called go with him to be registered and questioned. It was amusing at first to watch the man's frown grow as Dumbledore informed him after each name was called that the child in question no longer attended the school. So it was a frustrated official indeed when he collected only three out of his list of 42.

After a nod from the Headmaster, James ducked out of the room, concealing himself beneath the cloak. He followed the group, Lily's red hair shining like a candle among the swarm of black robes around her. Five Ministry thugs for three students. James smirked. Considering Lily was there, that evened out the odds.

"Excuse me!" cried an impatient Scottish voice. "_Excuse me!_"

This time the men stopped to turn and face a furious looking Minerva.

"Where are you taking my students?"

"That is Ministry business, Professor," the Aldwinkle replied automatically, as if he answered all his questions that way.

"Students are not allowed to leave the school without checking out of the Headmaster's office first."

"It is not our intention to take them out of the castle, ma'am, but I assure you if that becomes necessary we will let the Headmaster know."

Further insistence on McGonagall's part that she be present for the proceedings were flatly and blandly refused. James, wanting to reassure her, whispered softly, "I'm here, Minerva. I'll be with them."

"I know," she whispered back. "But we couldn't let them think we are pushovers!"

James grinned, not that anyone could see it. Of course, Dumbledore couldn't let it seem that he allowed them to go without _some_ form of protest.

"I will speak to the Headmaster about this!" she thundered.

"I spoke to Dumbledore before lunch. This is a Ministry sanctioned visit and your presence is neither required nor desired. You will leave or you will be made to leave." Again, the speech was given in a dispassionate, almost bored tone, as if threatening people had grown dull with all the repetition.

Minerva shook with fury, either real or pretended, James couldn't tell, and stormed off.

The entourage checked rooms as they passed them, then, finally deciding on one, they ushered the small group inside. James managed to slip in before the door was shut behind them.

"Let us start with John Westin. Mr Westin, your parents are muggles, are they not? Keep in mind this is the equivalent of a sworn testimony and as such should you give false information you will be duly charged. Likewise, should you defy or in any way impede these proceedings you will be immediately charged with obstruction and arrested."

Westin swallowed. "Yes," he said, his accent a broad Yorkshire. "My parents are muggles."

"You were born 24 April?"

"Yes, sir."

"And what do you intend to do after you leave Hogwarts?"

"Erm… I haven't exactly made up my mind yet. But… but I thought it would be cool to work for the WWN."

"Hmmm," Aldwinkle said as he wrote this down on the parchment that contained the rest of the information on Westin. "And now would you please hand over you wand?"

At this Lily gasped and stiffened, but said nothing. Westin shakily pulled out his wand, looking frightfully aware that as he did so the five darkly robed men pointed their own wands at him. James also noticed Lily tighten her grip on hers, ready to defend her classmate should the need arise.

The man scanned the wand with his own. _"Priori Incantem!"_

James suspected that might happen the moment the wand had been taken and was therefore prepared for Lily's reaction. She had opened her mouth, no doubt to decry the illegal use of the spell, but not a sound came out. James had nonverbally cast a silencing charm and her attempted outburst went unnoticed.

"_They're trying to get a rise out of you,_" he whispered so close to her ear that the silk of the cloak brushed her hair. "_Don't give them the satisfaction of succeeding._"

She hadn't seemed surprised to find that he was there. Then again, she always had been able to sense when he was nearby, invisible or not.

She gave the barest of nods to acknowledge him, not drawing any attention.

The spells the _Priori Incantatem _divulged were harmless enough, just what he had been practicing in Transfiguration that morning and the Charms homework from the previous evening.

With each spell withdrawn, James grew concerned that Lily's wand could be a disaster to reveal. He had no idea what she might have been working on recently. Wards? Those might raise suspicion, but probably wouldn't be reason enough to take her in.

James remembered the portkey rings she was working on and swore under his breath. They'd pounce on that, even if the law _technically_ stated that it was 'using' an unauthorised portkey that was illegal, not the making of one. James was well enough acquainted with law enforcement to know that such technicalities wouldn't stop them.

"_Is your wand alright?_? He asked again, barely audible even to Lily.

Her hand, at her side and hidden from view, made a little balancing gesture. She pointed behind her then made a negative motion.

So it depended on how far back they checked. Too far back and they might uncover something.

James considered swapping wands quickly, but his wand would potentially be worse if they went far enough back as well. Duels with Death Eaters weren't pretty things.

They brought out the last 50 spells Westin had performed, all of them innocuous.

He squeezed her arm before moving from her side, creeping up behind Adlwinkle to read over his shoulder. Among the notes on the parchment were these remarks.

_Mental Ability: feeble_

_Magical Ability: minimal_

_Mark Level: low_

James taught Westin and found him neither feeble minded nor weak-wanded, but he thought that the 'mark level' whatever that was, probably boded well for the boy.

"Lift up your wand arm, Mr. Westin," said Aldwinkle and nodded to one of the men, who then stepped forward, revealing a bag as he opened his oversized cloak. From it, he withdrew a dark red sash of sorts. No, not a sash. A band, it seemed, for it was completely circular.

The band was magicked into the air and put over the outstretched arm, where it began to contract, constrict, pinch the material into a tighter and tighter sleeve until it was the exact size of the boy's arm.

"You are to wear it at all times in public; that includes inside here in the school. Failure to do so will result in your immediate arrest. Tampering with or magically altering it in any way is strictly prohibited, as is attempting to hide or cover it. It must be plainly visible at all times. Do you understand?"

"Yes sir," Westin replied bitterly.

James was gratefully they'd had time to prepare the muggleborn students for this, else he was sure Westin would have changed his mind and refused to wear it, which of course, would have led him straight to Azkaban.

"You may go. Henry Jones?"

Jones, a sixth year Gryffindor, stepped forward, answered the same questions Westin had, ranking an 'average' in both mental and magical ability, and receiving a disgusted sniff from the entourage when he admitted to wanting to be a professional arithmancer, quite a lofty position.

This time, Aldwinkle reviewed the past 120 spells the wand had done, and questioned in detail the reason he had casted some of them.

The rules about the mark were repeated and so was the performance of putting on the arm band. "You may go," Aldwinkle declared, waving the boy away.

"I'll stay," he said firmly, making it clear that he didn't trust them alone with Lily. James couldn't have agreed more with the boy's decision and was immensely proud of Gryffindor House.

In the few moments when Aldwinkle didn't respond, it seemed as though he simply hadn't understood what Jones had said, as if it didn't compute. It was only after a moment that he resumed his flat speech and James realised that at some point between the Great Hall and this small dark classroom, the man had been put under the Imperius curse. Hadn't he shown signs of extreme annoyance in the Great Hall? And now he seemed to have no emotion at all, and acted out by rote, or as if someone were dictating his orders. James didn't doubt it was one of the entourage. James had no doubt that one or even all of them were at least working for Voldemort supporters, if they weren't supporters themselves, which they very well might have been. Converts were rapidly multiplying. Whether they were motivated by fear or an actual desire for the dark cause was anyone's guess. James didn't dare break the connection now. To do so would mean bringing the probably innocent Algernon to awareness of a situation of which he was completely ignorant. No, that wasn't true. He had been self-aware when he'd arrived at the Great Hall, so he knew that he was there for the Muggleborn Registration Act, but clearly there was an aspect about the proceedings that he wouldn't tolerate under normal circumstances, and had therefore been _made_ to by means of an Unforgivable.

"Step aside then," said Aldwinkle, apparently having been told to carry on. "Lily Evans?"

"Yes." James noted that she didn't answer with the respectful 'sir' as the others had, luckily, Aldwinkle didn't.

"Your parents are muggles?" It was a completely useless question and they all knew it. She wouldn't have been here otherwise.

'No," she replied, and James heart nearly stopped. Lying would get her immediately arrested, what did she think she was doing?

"My parents are dead. They _were_ muggles," she corrected. James sighed with relief, but wanted to shake her all the same for being so flippant about this. He wished, that for once in her life, she would just give the simple truth.

"Your birth date?"

"November first."

"What do you plan on doing after you finish school?"

"Fight for muggleborn rights by seeing that 'the dark lord' never comes to power."

'_Damn it, not that honest!'_ James shouted mentally. He needed to more carefully word his wishes in future. James wanted to hiss at her to bite her tongue; her cheek was dangerously close to being uncooperative or rebellious, or at least, he was certain that's what they would say when they carted her off to Azkaban.

Aldwinkle didn't seem perturbed by this at all, and carried on as if that were the expected response, same as he had upon hearing her birthday. James went round to read over the man's shoulder again and saw that Lily's page was mostly filled out already, and indeed, she had been classified as an 'activist.' A strange mark that James didn't like the like the look of accompanied that notation.

"Your wand."

Lily pressed her lips tightly as if forcing herself not to say anything, obviously disinclined but acquiescing all the same.

The first spell _Priori Incantatem_ revealed was the same Transfiguration spell as Westin's wand had. This made sense as they had been in the same class before lunch. Then came a summoning charm, a book from the library shelf as she sat at one of the tables studying that morning (when she usually would have been in his class.) James had wondered why she had even bothered using her wand for such a simple spell, she usually did it without, but remembered that in public she didn't flaunt her wandless abilities. Someone must have been in the library there with her.

More spells followed, the burning of parchment, perhaps notes on a failed experiment or a letter she didn't want anyone else to find. Who knew? James certainly didn't. Next came a set of _palaclave_ charms. The spell showed that she had been pass-coding things, but didn't reveal what the password was.

Of course, old Algernon (or whoever was behind him) pounced on this.

"Why did you use the _palaclave_ spell?" Aldwinkle asked.

"I'm a private person," she answered. "One might never know when someone will go rifling through one's things," she said pointedly, making clear the connection that someone was, at that very moment, invading her privacy and rifling through her wand's history. Of course Aldwinkle didn't notice the sarcastic bite to her tones but the entourage no doubt did.

"_Please,"_ James begged into her ear. "_Don't provoke them._"

Henry Jones, the stalwart sixth year across the room, was also shooting her pleading glances not to making things worse for herself.

A simple _Nox_ was next, a _Lumos_ unsurprisingly followed. Then came a whole serious of Charms that even James didn't know what to make of.

"What are these?"

"Cross-subject project for both Charms and Arithmancy."

"And this?" he asked when the next spell immerged.

"A simple stasis spell."

"What were you keeping in stasis?"

This was the first time she seemed reluctant to give a response, and James understood why once she spoke. "A potion for the Hospital Wing. With the permission and guidance of Madame Pomfrey and Professor Slughorn," she added nervously.

_Bad move, love_, James couldn't help but think. Her insecurity on the topic was revealing, and they instantly picked up on it.

"Enjoy potions, do you?"

Lily seemed to realise her mistake and tried to cover it up. "I'm keen on all subjects. I'm hoping to take nine N.E.W.T's. I try to get in as much practice in any field I can." This caused more scribbling on her profile sheet.

As if to back her up on her story, her wand then provided nearly 50 healing spells of all varieties.

"I frequently volunteer my time in the Hospital Wing," she explained. "I'm carefully supervised and instructed." Now this _was_ a lie, but an uncheckable one, mostly. If asked, Pomfrey would collaborate.

Several thankfully safe though a bit odd, spells came next but then James recognised the privacy charms she'd used to safeguard their conversation at Slughorn's club meeting from prying ears.

"I didn't want to be overheard," she explained.

"I don't recognise it. Is it Ministry registered?"

Her eyes shifted, and James knew she was rapidly thinking up something. She shrugged. "I read it in a book somewhere, so it must be."

James didn't notice until Aldwinkle pointed it out that he'd never heard the actual spell she'd used. Had it been one of her own inventions? James knew she'd created several spells, he'd even encouraged her to. Innocent enough, though, he admitted, not entirely legal. Flitwick supported her in her creativity as well, and in a school the rules were often bent for the sake of learning. _Technically_ the creation of new spells was left to the Department of Experimental Charms.

Fortunately, he didn't seem preoccupied with the legality of the spell. Unfortunately, he _was_ intent on discovering the _necessity_ for it.

"Why didn't you want to be overheard? What was it you were discussing?"

"The expulsion of another student," she replied. "Or the non-expulsion. It was a bit of a debate at the time."

Thinking this was some school-child drama, he let this pass and moved on to the next. More classroom wandwork followed before the next object of interest. James only recognised it because he had been expecting it, otherwise he'd have been just as lost as the other spectators when the metallurgical spells started coming out.

"What is all this?"

"Magical metal melding. I was making jewellery."

This was also disregarded as inconsequential. Clearly she'd finished her port-ring project. How many spells would they go back to find the transportation charms she'd put on them?

Next came the Walking Wards, seeming to have improved a bit since she showed them to him. Perhaps she'd gone ahead with the blood? James found himself not caring in the slightest. In that moment he seemed to understand that it couldn't possibly be bad, even if it did involve blood. Lily wouldn't do Dark Magic. He only hoped that Aldwinkle et al thought so too.

"Explain this."

"Wards, sir. Another combined cross subject project. Charms and Defence Against the Dark Arts."

Again, this was added to the increasing list of notes.

Then came another long stream of healing spells. James didn't realise how much work she actually did in the Hospital Wing. Looking at it this way it was considerable. Perhaps tired of what seemed to be a never-ending line of medicinal spells, Aldwinkle declared an end to the review session, and not a moment too soon, judging by Lily's sigh of relief. They'd gone up to 300 spells, and yet James knew that it hadn't been more than a few days' activity for her. They didn't need to know that, however.

Her 'Mark Level' ranked '_High_' though from what James had seen, there hadn't been much of a difference between Jones' and Westin's mark, though they were supposedly different levels.

Indeed, the process was exactly the same, though the speech that preceded it seemed a bit curtailed, perhaps because they wanted to get on with it after having spent so much time on the _Priori Incantatem_.

"You cannot remove this mark. Any attempts to modify or remove it and we will know and the penalties will be severe. Lift your arm."

When it was done it the mark seemed to glow from beneath. Lily's nostrils flared and she curtly asked if that was all and if she could be excused.

The moment Aldwinkle said "You may go," Lily was out the door, leaving Jones to hurry out after her, leaving James to hurry out after _him_. He couldn't chance breaking the Imperius on Aldwinkle. If he 'came to' in the company of 'the entourage' he'd either be put immediately back under the curse or, if they thought he had thrown it off on his own, Aldwinkle might be disposed of, considered too unmanageable to suit their needs. James didn't want to be responsible for the man's death.

Still, it was something that Moody would want to know. Next step after talking to Lily would be to go to his office and send Dragon the Third off with the information.

He jogged behind the pair of Gryffindors, though why they were running he didn't know, but wanted to find out. Lily darted inside a nearby classroom, the loyal Jones entered behind her and the door slammed shut. James pulled off the cloak and opened the door to find Lily hastily trying removing the red band.

"They said not to take it off!" said Jones anxiously, and seeing James there, he pointed at Lily and repeated, "They said Azkaban for taking it off!"

"It fucking hurts!" Lily replied angrily, finally pulling off the cloth from around her upper arm. But it was still there, it seemed to have been stained into the fabric, dyeing the cloth there the same ugly red of the band.

"Ow ow ow ow…" said Lily, along with several select swearwords. She began pulling off her robes, but the red band still glowed, despite her having removed it and two layers of clothing. It stood out now against the white of her blouse, shockingly vivid as if some gaping wound lay beneath, bleeding though.

James stood there, feeling useless and helpless as a cold understanding seemed to overtake him, paralysing him.

"_Feck feck feck,"_ she repeated, her shaking fingers trying to undo the buttons of her shirt. She growled, frustrated by the task and pulled the whole blouse over her head, along with the t-shirt she wore underneath.

There, both James and Jones stood transfixed, unable to take their eyes away from what they saw. James had known it was coming, but it didn't prepare him for the vision of the scarlet tattoo that circled the light skin of her arm.

She danced on the spot, hopping erratically from one foot to the other, topless but for her brassiere, still swearing and hissing in pain as tears leaked from her eyes. Eyes which now pleaded with his. _Do something_, they said.

He pointed his wand at her and numbed the entire arm, which instantly fell to her side as if he'd transfigured it to lead. She stopped dancing though she still panted for breath. He hadn't actually bespelled the mark, but the arm itself, so it shouldn't qualify as 'tampering' he thought.

"Better?" he asked, for some reason out of breath himself.

She nodded, and looked down at her now lifeless looking, tattooed, pain free arm.

"Did yours…?" she asked, looking up to Jones, who seemed unable to actually speak so just shook his head.

"Take off your over-robes," James demanded quickly. "Leave the band around it."

"But they said—"

"I heard perfectly well what they said. Do it."

Nervously, the boy removed his robes, the mark falling off with it. Nothing glowed on his shirt beneath. It was unblemished, unmarked. Nothing bled through. However, the robes on the floor began to wiggle, and the arm band flew out from the pile and zoomed back to Jones, forcing its way back round the arm of the boy, who looked completely surprised.

"Just to make sure you don't forget to put it back on," James remarked wryly. In fact, it reminded him quite a bit of a spell James had challenged Lily to invent, that would make textbooks bonk students over the head if they forgot to open them when doing an assignment.

James walked over and reached down to grab Lily's discarded cloak and draped it over her for warmth and propriety. Jones hadn't stopped staring and with her armed numbed, getting her back into blouse and robes would be tricky.

Unsurprisingly, the disturbing red stained through the black of the cloak, glowing conspicuously against the black fabric.

"Well," said Lily. "That's interesting." For lack of a better word.

James cleared his throat. "You're late for class," he said pointedly to the boy.

Jones nodded. "If you're alright, Lily…"

"I'm fine. Thanks, Henry, for staying with me."

The boy smiled a little grimly and left.

James turned to Lily, who seemed to have deflated the moment the boy was gone. She sagged into a nearby seat and sighed gustily.

"You alright?" he asked quietly, sitting himself on the desk beside her.

"Exhausted," she said. "That whole interview was a strain."

"You made it worse for yourself, you know."

"I know. I couldn't help it. Was that man Imperiused?"

He nodded. "Couldn't tell who'd done it, though. Not that it would have mattered. But back to the point, will you promise me that in the future if anyone ever comes to talk to you, you won't—"

"Lose my temper?" she finished for him. "Redheads aren't exactly known for their serenity."

No, indeed. In fact, James quite enjoyed watching Lily lose her temper, and had remarked a few times before that she was a vision when she was cross, but there was a time and a place for it.

"No, but you usually keep your wits about you. Back there you were spoiling for a confrontation."

"I didn't say anything offensive."

"No, but you were being deliberately provocative."

"So what? They couldn't do anything about it. I answered honestly, just as I was told."

"Yes, and your cheek might have earned you that painful tattoo instead of just a clingy accessory," he said angrily. The difference between a 'medium' and 'high' mark level. Granted, she might have been given a 'high' mark anyway, but it still bore thinking on.

Lily stood and went to her pile of clothes on the floor, her arm still a deadweight. She looked at it intensely, and a moment later it came back to life. She lifted and bent it experimentally. Apparently it no longer hurt.

She reached for her blouse and silently dressed herself, the ugly tattoo glowing through each new layer she donned. She didn't even look at it once the entire time, and left the room just as quietly as she'd dressed.

"Wait," he called after her. "Lily, wait." He rose to follow her but she saved him the trouble by popping her head back in. She didn't speak, merely raised an inquisitive, though mocking, brow.

Now that she was back he didn't know what to say. "It was rude of me to put it that way, I'm sorry."

She nodded.

"Are you not speaking to me?"

"I'm…" she spoke unsteadily. "I'm controlling my temper."

"No need now," he said. "Might as well let it out. Yell at me and be done with it."

She withdrew her wand with such violence that James stepped back and instinctively grabbed his own.

"It's not you I'm furious with," she growled, and at the other side of the room a desk burst in an explosion of splinters. "It's the bloody—" Another desk was blasted into shreds. "Damned." Yet another. And another and another, each accompanied by a descriptive invective.

She eventually ran out of adjectives (and desks) but so too did she run out of steam. She sighed, looking much calmer, and slowly the desks began to put themselves back together. James and Lily stood aside to get out of the way of flying debris, so as not to be staked by hurtling missiles. James was reminded of the night she'd broken it off with him. She'd left Dumbledore's office in such a temper that every glass object in the office had shattered. Like now, after a moment they had returned to their previous, unbroken state.

Once everything was repaired and back in place the room seemed eerily still and quiet.

"Better?" he asked.

"Yes. Would have preferred duelling, though."

"Why didn't you say so?" asked James, who would have been willing for a small sparring session.

"Not with you," she sighed and closed her eyes, leaning her head against his arm. Realising what she was doing she stood up straight again.

James' eyes were continuously drawn to the red band on her arm. Trying to distract himself from it he thought of something he'd been meaning to tell her. Rupert Ferris's suspected killer still hadn't been found, and M.L.E had stopped looking. "I'm afraid they've stopped looking for Monkshood. He's apparently hidden himself well. They couldn't find him to bring him in to question or arrest him, and there were no other suspects and the case was dropped. I'm sorry. Ferris deserved some justice."

Lily sighed, her eyes still closed. "He got it," she breathed. "Monkshood was poisoned with the same draught he used on Roo."

James' eyes widened in immense surprise that bordered on horror. Had Lily…?

She looked up at him and read his expression. She shook her head. "No, not me."

"Who? How do you know? Why didn't you tell me before?"

"Severus," she answered, that one word economically answering all three questions. "I wouldn't have dared tell you before but now…" she shrugged. "I'm too tired to care anymore."

"You are saying Snape killed Monkshood? Why would he? They're on the same side."

"I wouldn't begin to try to understand what goes on in Severus' head," she remarked. "Or heart…"

That last codicil, uttered so reverently, spoke volumes. Snape had done it for her.

_Merlin._

James had witnessed with his own eyes how Snape had set Lily free when she'd been captured in Dover; he knew that Snape had saved her life, not only once but several times. Not only had he saved her life but he'd sought revenge on her behalf.

He found himself unable to keep from bringing up a topic they'd both agreed never to discuss.

After her outburst in the Headmaster's office, James had to admit there was much about Snape that he didn't know, hadn't been able to deduce as a student, or even as an auror later. He knew that Lily and Snape had been neighbours, but it was impossible, ridiculously stupid at this point, to think it was as simple as that. He needed to know more.

"Can you tell me?" he began, almost nervous at his own request. Her head tilted to one side in question. "Tell me what lies between you. You and Snape. I… I need to understand." He needed to understand if he didn't want to light each desk on fire in a release of temper similar to Lily's.

"You want to hear about what Severus was like as a boy?"

"Everything."

She looked sceptical at first. "Really? You said you never wanted to hear his name again."

"Tell me anyway."

"I will if you will do your best to keep in mind that he wasn't always a Death Eater. Try to separate what I tell you from what you think you know about him."

James nodded, but wasn't sure he'd be able to.

After regarding him for a moment in consideration, Lily began her tale. "I was actually too young to remember when I first met Severus. To me, it was like he'd always been there. Part of the family…"

She spoke for quite a long time, starting with how Snape came to be part of her life. "My parents felt sorry for him. We could hear his father shouting in the evenings. My father knew personally how violent Tobias Snape was. They used to work together in the mill before Tobias was fired for being drunk at work. We didn't have much, but my mother asked Eileen, Severus' mum, if she wouldn't mind sparing Severus to watch over me and Petunia.

"Severus was with us every possible moment, any excuse to get out of that house. Usually it was Severus buzzing that woke us in the morning."

"Buzzing?" James couldn't help but ask.

"Oh. Muggle device put on doors to let people inside know someone is there. A bell, or sorts, though we use electricity and not actual metal bells."

"Oh."

"He'd leave late at night and come back early in the morning, sometimes black and blue."

There it was. The first prick of sympathy. James' father had been a good man. Granted, James never really knew him, but he knew he'd been great. And he'd never once hurt him or his mother.

Lily carried on, recounting the exasperation she'd caused Snape daily, as it was his task to keep her out of trouble. A mission indeed, for getting into trouble had been young Lily's favourite activity. She told him about the moment Severus had learned she was a witch, and how it had changed everything. He talked to her about magic, potions mostly, and how her tutelage had begun in a rundown park beside their neighbourhood. Of course, at that time Severus had only just started Hogwarts himself, but every vacation he was back with more stories and more things to try.

"You heard what happened with his father then," she said sadly. "Tobias got so drunk one night he killed Eileen. It might have been an accident, we don't know, but he killed himself after that, leaving Severus all alone."

"Except for your family," James pointed out.

Lily nodded gravely. "For what that was worth." She continued on with her story. Lily had started Hogwarts, eager at first to be going to the school she'd heard so much about, and was disappointed when the person she regarded as a brother didn't acknowledge her presence at all. Not in public, anyway. When the holidays came it was back to the same routine, despite the fact that Severus no longer had to avoid beatings at home. It seemed just habit by then.

"He tried to make his own way after Hogwarts, scrimping and saving for potions ingredients. I used to send him some from the student's cupboard. But he was definitely struggling, and one day he was finally offered an incredibly rewarding position. One filled with prospects, endless ingredients, and amazing opportunity to learn from a master. It was a true scholar's dream. The chance to research and learn, no expense spared."

"Sounds brilliant. So why didn't he take that job instead of becoming a Death Eater?"

"That job _was_ becoming a Death Eater. The dark lord offered him everything he ever wanted, including a place among people who would accept and respect him. That's what he does you know, that's how he gets people. He offers them what they most want. For Severus, that was research material, learning, and a chance to create his own brews."

_Oh_.

"Severus had thought about being a Death Eater before, but it wasn't until long after Hogwarts he actually became one, for all you and Sirius teased him about it."

She hadn't mentioned him and Sirius directly before that, she'd only mentioned 'that he'd had a hard time at school,' which had been clear enough.

"Then…" she said, not really wanting to continue. "Then my parents were killed and that was the end of it… until Dover."

"Until Dover," James repeated.

"Actually no. Before that. Before Christmas he and Malfoy came to the Leaky Cauldron. I knew Severus saw me but he didn't say anything. He told Malfoy I wasn't there. Malfoy killed Chevalier and they left. Then it was Dover."

"And then?"

"Then what?"

"There's more you aren't telling me."

She cleared her throat as she looked down at her feet. "We've corresponded a few times. And you know he helped me out when that man attacked me in the Hogshead. I've even eaten supper there with him."

"What?" he asked angrily. For some reason, this seemed the largest offense so far, yet by all reckoning it was the most harmless and meaningless activity yet.

"I don't really know how it happened. He was there, and I'd just come back from Grimmauld Place and was hungry and—"

"Wait. Grimmauld Place? The Black home? What in Merlin's name were you doing there?"

"Sirius took me to have a look at the library. To research dark marks, as it so happens. What of it?"

James shook his head. "Nothing." Nothing except that Sirius had vowed to _never_ return there, and had not once, in his entire life, brought anyone to his childhood home. "Go on."

"Nothing really to be said about it. He was at the Hogshead when I arrived and I ate there. It didn't end well, if that will make you feel any better."

"What happened?" James was so curious about the dynamic of his enemy and his love that he couldn't spare any more time in angry protestations.

"I brought up Dover, asked him why he kept helping me and he replied because he'd given his word that he would, and was bound to the promise he'd made my parents before I went to Hogwarts. I released him from his promise and left."

"That was foolish," said James, before he could help it. For all that he was glad the connection had been broken, it was silly to throw away a bond like that, a bond that kept preserving her life.

"I know, but I cared, you see. And thought he didn't."

James picked up immediately on the emphasis. "Thought?" he repeated.

"Next I saw him he was even more open with me than before," she said, shrugging.

"When was that?" he asked, feeling as if he should be taking all this down as if in evidence.

"That night we all met in the Hogshead. Sirius was telling the story about how Narcissa had tried to seduce him. I tried to get you all to stop talking, because I knew Severus was listening. I left the table, charming against him so he couldn't hear your conversation and sat down somewhere else to read. Severus sat next to me and we spoke again. He said…" She stopped as if thinking better of it.

We'll she'd gone this far she might as well continue, James thought, and then said as much.

"I told him rather tartly that since he was relieved of his promise he had nothing more to do with me. He said that he'd rather be relieved of other oaths than the one he made to my parents."

"You mean, being a Death Eater?"

"I assume so. I told him he could be killed for saying things like that, and he said he trusted me not to tattle on him to the Dark Lord."

"How witty," James replied sourly.

"We agreed we were friends, of sorts, and then you lot were finished and we left through the floo."

"Wait, you mean I was there?"

"The whole time, not a few tables away."

This had a strangely powerful an immediate effect on James. If they weren't already split up, he'd have done it right then. He thought he'd been coming to terms with everything she'd told him, but that she'd met and spoken to Snape under his nose… it was so revoltingly dishonest James was disgusted.

She seemed to read his mind. "You're wanting to break up with me."

"Pity you beat me to it," he ground out through clenched teeth.

"That's why I didn't tell you sooner," she told him. "I didn't want to lose—" she stopped, the unspoken '_you'_ echoing in the silence that stretched between them. He felt a familiar tug of tenderness but ruthlessly ignored it.

"You still haven't told me about Monkshood," he said after a time, trying to get his mind off personal feelings and onto actual fact. That had been the whole reason this exhausting conversation had taken place, after all.

"I was upset after Roo died. I went home, seeking… I don't know what. Of course it's not _my_ house anymore. Someone else lives there now. But I spent a time in the old park. Severus found me there. I suppose he was on his way home. He brought me in for tea, made me feel better about Roo. Told me Monkshood wouldn't trouble me anymore. We played the old games."

'_Games_?' James thought dizzily. Severus Snape played games? Then realisation struck.

"Where did you used to live?" he asked eagerly. If he could find Snape's location…

"Not telling."

"You're protecting him?"

"Doing no more for him than he's done for me. I can't repay him by letting you go in there and arrest him."

"He's a Death Eater."

"Is he really?" she asked sarcastically. "Fine then; expel me. Arrest me for being a co-conspirator. For fraternising with the enemy." She chuckled drily. "Funny. I used to dread this happening, that you would find out and arrest me, and now I don't care. Go on. Do it. I won't even fight you. Perhaps I deserve it. And it's only a matter of time before I lose my temper or they find out about my experiments and they arrest me anyway. At least if you do it I won't be 'accidentally' killed in the struggle. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of _you_ arresting me. I wonder who my cell mate will be." This so disturbingly reminded him of Sirius he had to shout at her to stop.

"Cut that out! You sound just like Padfoot." He and his friend had had a very similar conversation a while back, where Sirius had invited James to do that very same thing. '_Go on, Prongs. Arrest me. In fact, I quite fancy the idea of __**you**__ being the one to bring me in. Who knows, I might share a cell with one of my distinguished relatives…'_

James ignored the voice in the back of his mind that asked what he would do if Sirius became a Death Eater. It was impossible, Sirius would never. But if he did, would James have the professional integrity, the fortitude, to turn him in, if Sirius continued to be a friend to him, despite being on the other side.

"Good old Sirius," said Lily with an affectionate smirk, and James, despite his anger with her, despite what she'd said about Snape, despite everything he'd heard, felt painfully jealous. Both of Sirius _and _Snape, both of whom James suspected knew Lily better than he did.

"Good old Sirius," he repeated bitterly. "You two make a fine pair."

"Yes, everyone's always said so. The pureblood prince and his mudblood whore," she said sarcastically, then cried out in pain as she clutched her arm where the mark glowed.

James was instantly at her side, trying to pry her hand off her arm so he could look at it. "What exactly happened?"

"It burned hot," she said, letting out a deep breath slowly. "It's over now. I think it was set off." Lily's face was set, determined as she looked up at him. "_Mudblood,_" she whispered, then inhaled sharply in a hiss. Nodding, she said, "Yep. That's the trigger word."

"Don't say it again," he said, examining the mark.

James' face tightened into an intense frown. This could be potentially very dangerous if it was common knowledge that one could inflict physical pain along with the usual emotional with the invocation of just a word. No wand required. Suddenly their argument seemed to dissolve away as being petty and insignificant. The drama of a handful of people didn't amount to much compared to what they were now dealing with.

"Sticks and stones, indeed," said Lily under her breath.

James nodded grimly. The last part of that rhyme, it seemed, no longer proved to be true.

* * *

*Actual quotes from **Heinrich Cornelius Agrippa von Nettesheim** (September 14, 1486 – February 18, 1535) German magician, occult writer, theologian, astrologer, and alchemist.

_And I know it's been a while, but please review? Pretty please?_


	77. Banding Together

_**Author's Note: **_

_My flight back to the states was cancelled (yeah, as most of you in Europe will know, I wasn't getting through London Heathrow, so I rerouted through Senegal to get to Washington DC, and from there finally made it home) so I thought I'd utilise all that time I was waiting around in the airport to bang out something for you. This isn't going to be a full-fledged chapter, and I can't speak for its quality, but I wanted to give you something for the holidays. Just a wee giftie for my fabulous readers. Thanks for sticking with me. _

_Many have asked about what I do, if I'm a journalist and I feel compelled to tell you that no, I am not. In Iraq I was working in education reform, among other fruitless pursuits. Now, after taking (and passing!) numerous exams, practical boat handling and captaining skills, written theory, oral theory, and oral and practical on navigating by sextant, I'm a Yachtmaster, meaning I can be the captain of any sailing vessel under 200 tonnes. Hurrah! _

_And if you are one of those readers who like Snape, and moral ambiguity in general, then check out my other story. __The Professor's Discretion__ (by Twelve Years in Azkaban). It's about Severus Snape, half the story told from his perspective, the other half told from Hermione Granger's. (Though I don't think most of you will enjoy it, I think I actually like that story better than this one, for all that it's AU as well.) That story is nearly finished, and MUCH shorter than this one._

**Chapter 77: **_**Banding Together**_

"Hey Al. What do you have there?"

From behind her desk, Alice Longbottom looked up from a piece of parchment she was perusing and put down the steaming mug from which she'd been sipping. "Hullo James. From Azkaban," she said, waving the paper. "Think someone's ready to talk. Might have to make a trip out there to see if it's worth anything."

James shuddered as unpleasant memories of the prison rushed by him like an icy wind. He immediately went to make himself his own cup of tea to warm himself. "I don't envy you that. Be sure to take some chocolate, eh?"

She lifted her mug once again. "Drinking some now. And I have some Honeyduke's fudge," she said, patting her pocket where the treat was kept.

James added four sugars to his brew. "Frank going with you?"

Alice nodded. "Soon as he gets back from International Magical Cooperation. Something about a Turk turning up in Bristol. Not a Death Eater, but definitely a dark wizard. Using muggles in some gruesome magical experiments." This time it was her turn to shudder, which was saying something, as Alice wasn't easily shaken. It was one of the things that made her a good auror.

James looked around the empty office. "Where's Blevins? Isn't she _always_ here?" Sandra Blevins acted as the office secretary, and was such a permanent fixture that one barely even noticed that she was there.

"She hasn't been in since Monday," she said darkly.

"Monday?" James asked, a nasty connection forming in his mind.

Alice nodded. "That's right. You'll notice the muggleborn workforce at the Ministry has suddenly been cut."

"Cut? As in let off? Or did they leave on their own?"

"I think they were _encouraged_ to leave on their own so they wouldn't have to go through the unpleasantness of formally getting sacked. But I'm actually not sure. Asked Moody but he was tight-lipped about it."

"Fuckin-hell," James breathed. That was an unpleasant but not entirely surprising development. He'd have to tell Dippet later. And Lily…

"What about Fabian?" James asked, concerned for the man but also eager to change the subject.

"He and Agatha should be in sometime later. They were put together after Gideon…." Alice cleared her throat. "He's been a bit depressed lately, no surprise."

James was about to reply to this but was cut off by a, "Hey James. Been here long?"

He turned around to greet Agatha Argyle who'd just walked in. "Hey yourself. No, just got here. You taking off?"

'I wish. I still have all these." With a sweep of the hand, she indicated a mass of parchment piled high upon her desk.

He gave her a commiserating but encouraging smile as he sat down to his own stack of work. He took a sip and grimaced as he burned his tongue, barely managing not to spit the scalding liquid back into the cup. He tapped the mug with his wand, cooling it.

It was then that Frank popped his head in and called to his wife. "Come on, love! Portkey leaves from the Atrium in three minutes!"

Alice's eyes opened wide in surprise and she hastily stood, vanishing her hot chocolate and shoving the parchment into the same pocket that contained the fudge.

"Tootles!" she said with her back to the room, tossing a reckless wave over her shoulder as she sped out the door. James almost wished he were racing off somewhere. Not to Azkaban, but somewhere that would keep him from deliberating on a certain subject. Paperwork, as he'd learned in the hours he'd spent sitting in his office at the castle, wasn't sufficient distraction. He'd tried not to think about Lily at breakfast and thought he had succeeded until he realised he'd been staring directly at her. While giving lectures it was somewhat easier to put her from his mind, except for his seventh year classes, when he couldn't help notice her absence. Marking essays also made him recall longingly of the times when she'd sit up with him in her chair and help him. Without her, the task was twice as tedious.

He pulled the first pile towards him as he took another sip. This time he _did_ spit it out. The stuff was far too cold and simply disgusting. Finicky things, charms. Nothing like the solid, dependable, predictable Transfiguration. It was equally complex, to be sure, but at least there was some logic behind it. Lily had a certain knack, as she did for most charms, for controlling drink temperature, even without a wand.

Right. _Not_ thinking about her. The point was to _not_ think about her. He shook his head free of red hair and green eyes, vanished his damned uncooperative tea and got down to work.

"What did you say?" asked Agatha about half an hour later.

"Wha? I didn't say anything," said James.

"Yes you did. You said, '_What do you mean, smothering?'_ Then, you growled."

"Did I?"

Agatha nodded, raising her eyebrows inquisitively.

James sighed and rumpled his hair distractedly. He'd been replaying the conversation he'd had with Lily the night she split up with him. "She said I was _smothering_ her. I mean, what does that _mean_ anyway?"

Agatha looked haughty and triumphant. "Someone set you back on your heels?"

"In a manner of speaking," he grumbled.

"Goody for her," she said with firm approval, even pleasure.

"What? No, she's the one who misused _me_. Going behind my back with another bloke."

"You'll understand if I'm not exactly sympathetic, Jamie," she said archly. "Because you're being hugely hypocritical."

"Hypocritical how?" James asked, offended.

"You'll recall that _you_ broke up with _me_ because, and I quote directly, you were feeling so bloody smothered."

So he had. James mind reeled back to that conversation. It seemed like ages ago but really it had only been a few months. He recalled sitting on Lily's sofa in front of her fire just after they'd come back from that initial Hogsmeade visit when four Slytherins had conspired (but failed) to kill Lily. He _had_ said that Agatha had been smothering him. But she had been, to be fair. Always wanting to know what he was doing, whom he was with. He remembered the close-collared feeling that had been having Agatha around, invading every aspect of his life and trying to control it.

Was that how he made Lily feel? Was that what she meant by smothered? Merlin knew how protective she was of her privacy, her secrets, and yes, he had been persistent in trying to pry them from her, but that was different. They were together. He had a right as her partner, lover…

But so had Agatha been for him at the time.

He pulled a thoroughly sour face. _Fuck_. He was Lily's Agatha. What a horrible thought.

No. No, he refused to believe it. He wasn't that clingy, that pushy.

"_You used your position of authority over me to get what you wanted! How is that fair?" _ Lily's voice echoed in his memory even as Agatha spoke.

"_And_ you went behind _my_ back as well, don't forget."

"I didn't cheat on you," he defended instantly, which wasn't technically true because in the beginning of the relationship he had dallied with Dorcas Meadowes.

"You were spending time with another woman, don't deny it. You might not have slept with her, but it was definitely cheating."

James opened his mouth to protest, then closed it again. Yes, he had been pursuing Lily in his backward in-denial fashion while he'd still technically been with Agatha. The reassuring fact that Lily wasn't trying to woo Snape offered some consolation to the sting of his own offence against Agatha. He had to admit, he'd been an utter arse, the way he'd ended it with her. James supposed it reflected badly on him that he hadn't even known or cared until the same thing happened to him. But just because it wasn't a sexual relationship with Snape didn't make it any less a betrayal. It was personal _and_ political. Snape was his enemy on two fronts. Yes, he'd listened to her story about Snape's past, but that didn't change what Snape currently was, and that was a Death Eater. Public enemy number one. Or two, rather, Voldemort being the first. At least James had never done that. He'd never sacrificed his principles to be with Lily.

'_Sleeping with a student doesn't count as sacrificing principles?'_ sneered a knowing voice in his mind that sounded irritatingly like Sirius in one of his more condescendingly ironic moods.

"Shut it," he grumbled.

"Excuse me?" Agatha looked thoroughly offended and James hastened to make placating, apologetic gestures with his hands.

"Not you. I was just talking to myself." He ruffled his hair again. "Erm… Is it too late to apologise for being a complete arse?"

She snorted. "You can apologise, but it doesn't change what you did."

"I'm sorry all the same."

"You're an arse, all the same."

There was a moment of silence before they both began chuckling, shaking their heads at their own absurdity.

Now if Lily would likewise apologise then they could start to work on reconciling.

Except Lily didn't _want_ reconciliation.

She'd called it off because he was still her teacher and she felt 'smothered.'

Fine. She wanted space, he'd _give_ her space. He'd cut her off so completely that she'd be begging him to smother her again. She felt he exerted his authority over her? Well now she'd know what it was like for him not to be there.

He didn't intend on vanishing from her sight _forever_, but long enough so that she'd pine for him.

James wrestled with a tangle of guilt in his stomach for actively planning to make Lily feel even more miserable than she already was, what with the Mark she was forced to wear at all times these days, being gawked at in the corridors and at meal times. He noticed she'd started taking her lunches with Hagrid, rather than in the Great Hall… not that James had been specifically _looking_ for her. It was just something he happened to observe.

And damn it, he _still_ wasn't getting any work done! With stiff resolve, he pushed Lily firmly out of his mind and focussed on the parchment in front of him.

x

Lily still couldn't believe she was sitting there, in _that_ office, but she had been for the better part of half an hour so far. Professor Dippet had (at James' suggestion, Lily had learned) summoned her to her office to discuss what it was like for a muggleborn to be singled out like they were by their marks. Dippet was writing a piece, to be sent not only to scholarly journals, but also to the Ministry in protest to revoke the marks and abolish the registration law for being inhuman.

"You won't be mentioned by name, naturally," Dippet had assured her, though that was little comfort. The formality of it made fair mockery of the anonymity it posed to protect, as there could only be three students who gave the interview, and only one with a _high _ranked mark, and those at the Ministry knew it. It would make her a target, but surely not any more than she already was.

So far she'd confessed to the physical pain brought on by the word 'mudblood' but had begged Dippet not to let that fact be known. Sometimes she couldn't actually _hear _it, but she knew when it was spoken in her presence. She didn't know whether those who said it knew it brought her pain, but she had quickly learned not to outwardly react. Despite what James had told her about not saying the word herself anymore, she had practiced in her room until she'd grown used to its searing sensation. It was now only the surprise of it that was the challenge.

"It's still relatively new though," said Lily. "I think people are still getting used to it. It might be a while before we can truly see what effects the marks will have."

The interview continued, if not amiably, at least civilly and professionally. Neither woman let show their dislike for the other or indeed any hint of it being so. Unless the staid and stiff politeness counted as a hint, for it clearly veiled the underlying tension.

Lily was powerfully aware the whole time she spoke with the woman that Dippet considered herself to be with James to some degree. James had been leading her on for weeks now, hoping to gain her political activity in support of muggleborn rights.

His flirtation had certainly worked, as the interview with Lily currently proved. There was no other reason Dippet would invite Lily into her office for tea.

With difficulty, Lily tried to stop imagining how far James would go in this charade now that she no longer posed a moral barrier. He wouldn't be cheating if he decided to dally with Dippet.

The nauseating churning of her stomach that image inspired reminded Lily that she was _not_ thinking about James, but the muggleborn plight.

After another half hour of conversation and speculation Lily left the office, shaking Dippet's hand and thanking her for what she was trying to do. That was no challenge, because she truly was grateful. Certainly no like effort on Lily's part would produce any effect. She'd be disregarded immediately. However, that didn't mean that Dippet's voice would be heard, even if she was a pureblood and daughter of the former Headmaster of Hogwarts. She certainly had a better chance than Lily had, and was better connected with muggleborn supporters in the Ministry to boot.

It wasn't too late when she returned to her rooms that evening, but it _was_ after curfew. As Head Girl she could be out after hours, but that didn't make it a good idea, as Nearly-Headless Nick dutifully pointed out, and so chivalrously escorted her back to her rooms. A bit futile, having a ghost as a body-guard, but Lily didn't say that of course. If anything should happen, he could at least report it if she herself could not, and he could be useful for that, she supposed. She didn't take the secret passages with her ethereal escort though. Even if Nick did know about them (not that he'd ever need to use them, as the entire castle was his own personal secret passage, as walls posed no barrier to him) Lily didn't wish to reveal the fact that _she_ knew of them. In any case, she arrived at her rooms unmolested, and immediately returned to the scattered piles of various subjects she was working on. When she grew too tired or wasn't making enough headway in one area, she'd jump to another, the change of subject refreshing and energising her mind. It didn't do to dwell on just one thing for too long unless she was on a roll, otherwise her mind would wander to less constructive places…

She got a surprising amount of work done, both for school and for her own projects, both Order and self-appointed.

She was immensely pleased at how the port rings had turned out. They looked quite fine, pretty albeit in a manly way. She itched to test them, but didn't dare. She couldn't possibly take the risk while that damned map was still at the Ministry. The Department of Magical Transportation had a thorough and debilitating hold on travel, what with the floo network and apparition being closely monitored. That unfinished project still gnawed at her.

_One _of the unfinished projects, she reminded herself grimly. There was also the finding out who the clandestine brewer that provided Alice Hart with illegal Polyjuice Potion and of course, solving the secret behind Voldemort's life stealing stone and getting it somehow out of his possession. Lily sighed at these daunting tasks and put a hand in her hair, then hastily withdrew it as being too James-like. When had she started doing that? Hopefully not long.

Still, getting that map out of the Ministry was top priority, and until she and James accomplished it no one could move about freely. She just didn't see how it was possible. Getting in unseen was no problem, but how were they to remove a map that had half a dozen people constantly staring at _without_ using magic? That was the sticking point. No magic was allowed in the room, or the alert would immediately be raised. It was one of the more brilliant measures taken to protect it from being stolen.

She was a muggleborn, surely she should be able to think of a non-magical way of doing it, yet hours of contemplation hadn't resulted in a feasible plan. She had considered putting an imperturbable charm outside the door and incapacitating them with physical force. She knew her own abilities in that area were weak, and while James might do for taking down a man or two, they couldn't defeat half a dozen. The only other option seemed to be deadly force…

But presupposing she could find such a muggle weapon and learn to work it, could she murder six men, perhaps more, in cold blood like that? Men who might not even be Dark Lord supporters but simply everyday blokes doing their jobs? The problem the Map posed wasn't a matter life or death. It was _privacy_ it imposed upon; it didn't threaten anyone's life. It undoubtedly prevented the Order from being effective by considerably constraining its mobility though, which gave the Dark Lord the clear advantage, which very likely resulted in lost lives all the same. Would removing the inconvenience the map inflicted justify such drastic action such as killing a roomful of (arguably innocent) people?

The answer was still no. Lily couldn't do it and didn't think she could stomach the thought of anyone else doing it. It was simply a bad plan. A plan, yes, but certainly a bad one.

Magical objects were allowed in the room, certainly, as they had already learned by way of using the invisibility cloak. Of course a potion would work, but even if she did have all the ingredients, how was she supposed to slip them one?

These were, of course, all thoughts and questions she'd already had before. She was just fruitlessly reviewing them with renewed frustration.

Time to move on to another topic, she thought. The problem of uncovering who might be supplying illicit potions was less important, but at least she had a sort of lead or plan of how to go about it. Bunsen, the man in the Potions Patenting Department in the Ministry whom she'd met through Slughorn, was her first and only suspect. She thought she knew how to find out if it was he, however. She'd need to talk to Wilder, the sixth year Ravenclaw who was Hogwarts current runner. He had supplied Alice Hart with the owling address or name needed for the potion provider in the first place, so Lily could use that same route to make contact using the same (feigned) reason the misguided Gryffindor girl had.

She would write to this anonymous brewer, or rather in all likelihood, the brewer's go-between, under the pretence of needing a cure for an affliction. A cure which didn't technically exist. Well, it existed but only in Lily's notes. It was one of her obscure experiments. _Salve of Prometheus,_ she had named it. The idea of _needing_ such a potion had been put in her head the summer before second year.

Of course, it wasn't until she was much older that she had been able to work on such a potion, and not until that September that she'd completed it. She'd had the base since her third year; such things were used all the time to seal open wounds but some darker curses refused to stay shut once mended, and split open again and again and again... _if_ one didn't know the counter curse to make that perpetual ripping stop. Seeing as there were several dark curses that acted that way, and some that didn't even _have_ counter-curses, the potion circumvented that problem entirely.

The premise of the potion was quite simple, actually. If the skin refused to be mended... _remove the skin_. And hastily re-grow more, of course. The trick was not finding a way expedite the process but getting the 'cursed-flesh-eating' part of the potion and the 'healthy-flesh-growing' part to work together, rather than against one another. The two separate sections had to be boiled separately, in different cauldrons, and a preservation and status charm added to both before they were combined and bottled. Once the potion was properly administered, the charm was used to release first one part, then the other. It was an involved process but many effective potions were. The added bonus of the Salve of Prometheus was that with new skin entirely, there was no scarring.

She had to admit that the time released charm it used, while her idea, had been perfected by Severus, but that wasn't so much a part of the brew but a technique in general. She felt guilty for using it. In truth, the fact that all the work wasn't entirely hers was the only reason she hadn't tried to patent it before. But what would Severus do anyway, take legal action? That would require admitting that he'd shared his methods with her to begin with, which in his position, would be akin to suicide.

Her plan was dodgy but doable. Tomorrow, Lily would ask Slughorn to arrange another interview with Bunsen, as she'd created another brew and was contractually obligated to offer it to him first for patenting. Then, before Bunsen had time to test, patent, or indeed even tell anyone that such a potion existed, she would write a letter to the underground potioneer under the guise of a person afflicted with a reopening wound, offering any price so long as it was delivered immediately. If the response came back in the affirmative, that he had access to such a cure, then Lily would know Bunsen was the man, for only he would know about the _Salve of Prometheus_. She was confident that hers was the only one of its kind and was specific enough that he could be referring to no other potion.

If the reply came back negative and the brewer said he didn't know of any such concoction, then it couldn't be Bunsen… and Lily was back to square one.

Hmm… should she inform James that she was finally putting her plan into action? It might not only gratify him that she was confiding in him, but as an auror, it was in his interest to know either way. He had approved of the scheme ages ago when she'd first concocted it; he hadn't seemed to object to using illegal avenues, probably because they wouldn't actually be _buying_ any potions from the dealer, only pretending to want to as a means of getting information.

Yes, she decided. She'd tell him tomorrow during patrols.

x

James didn't keep to his resolution of completely distancing himself from Lily. He realised it wasn't practicable, as they not only had patrols together, but also Order work that needed their joint collaboration. But it was actually neither necessity that prompted him from approaching her early the next morning at breakfast, but simple gossip. News rather. Information. Something he thought she'd like to know. Something that he needed to get off his chest. In plain truth, a worry he needed to share with her, even if they weren't technically together anymore.

Since she'd been marked, he noticed she ate early so as to avoid the crowds, so it was a nearly empty Gryffindor table he approached. Lily had a book propped open in her lap that she read as she distractedly munched her toast and didn't notice him until he crouched next to her.

"There are practically no more muggleborns working at the Ministry," he whispered urgently without preamble. It had been all he could do not to barge into her rooms late last night and tell her, he couldn't stand any more delay.

Lily turned to him, eyes wide. "What happened?" she asked, and James could see the grisly conclusions she was jumping to already and unfortunately he had little with which to reassure her. After his shift last night he'd scouted around for more information, none of it comforting.

"Last Monday every muggleborn employee was pulled from his or her desk and forced to make the choice to be registered or to leave magical society, just as you were, only it came as a surprise to them. Many didn't react calmly…" An understatement, though James knew Lily could tell. "They were intimidated into leaving, says Alice. I don't know how many left and how many were made to leave… but the end result was the same, a very selective cut in the Ministry's workforce."

As it happened, Alice had been misinformed about Blevins. She hadn't quit; she'd been arrested. Perhaps Alice would have found that out for herself after her visit to Azkaban. How many more cells in Azkaban were filled with muggleborn former Ministry employees who were simply confused or outraged at the news?

She seemed to read his thoughts, as she so often did. "Thrown in Azkaban?" Her voice was scraped thin by some emotion, fear, probably, fear and horror.

"I don't know any numbers. Some of them were, surely. The Longbottoms were there last night following a lead. I wrote to Frank this morning to ask if he'd seen anything of the sort, but it's too soon to expect a response. Dragon the Third won't even have reached London yet." Nor could the school owl he'd sent have reached Azkaban and Blevins with a supply of chocolate. James wondered if the slabs of fudge would pass by security, or if they would end up in the top drawer of Marvin Moribund's desk to serve as some treat to accompany the prison warden's afternoon tea.

She nodded absently, shocked, no doubt. She certainly looked pale.

He added some sugary jam to a slice of toast on her plate. "Eat," he urged. "Don't let it get you out of sorts."

Jolted by this, she took the proffered toast and bit into it, her face changing from shaken to pensive as she chewed and swallowed.

"Rounded up, branded and corralled like so much cattle," she said softly as if to herself. "When will the butcher come with his mallet to deal the final blow?"

She'd recovered enough to make morbid analogies, which James supposed to be a good thing. He gave her a moment to take another bite.

"You alright?" he asked.

She nodded, and looking down on her mark she said, "I know I've had it for a week, have felt it burn, but it only now feels real," she confessed. "_Azkaban_," she whispered a moment later, then shuddered. No doubt she could now feel how close a possibility the reality of that prison was, and James doubted that she would repeat her remarks of last week, that she didn't care if he threw her in Azkaban for illegal magical experimentation or for fraternising with the enemy.

The reaction was entirely Lily, James realised. Unaffected by the dangers of something when she was involved herself, but put others in that position and she instantly became concerned. It was the best way to goad Lily into any action, convince her _other_ people were in danger, for she didn't care if _she_ was.

"You're saying, then, that I should give up my dream of being an auror?" she asked. Her voice carefully masked all emotion with its studied steadiness. She didn't want to give away how crushed she'd be if he replied in the affirmative, as if he didn't know already.

James actually hadn't thought of her future in the aurory, only of the present in the castle, but yes, he supposed the likelihood that she be employed by the Ministry (even if it was Magical Law Enforcement) had diminished to practical non-existence. On the off-chance she _was_ hired, she'd be an easy target.

She seemed to take his silence for confirmation and she swallowed hard, nodding in understanding. "Will you walk outside with me for a minute?" she asked. Looking around, one could see that more people had arrived in the Great Hall as they spoke, and James agreed it was fast growing too public a place for a private conversation.

Silently they exited the dining hall, crossed the flagstones of the entry way and opened the great oak doors to the castle's front steps. She turned to the left and followed a cobbled path to one of the castle's many courtyards. Despite there being several stone benches, she didn't seat herself on one, choosing to pace instead. "Tell me truly, did you know this would happen? Is that why you never discouraged me from brewing with Slughorn despite the fact that you hated it? Because you knew I'd never make it to be an auror and potionry was my only option?"

"No!" he replied honestly. He'd been just as surprised as she. "I never stopped you from brewing because… well... what right have I to stop you from doing anything?"

This statement shocked James himself as much as it seemed to surprise Lily. She stood there for a moment, looking at him, hope leaking into her eyes. After a minute he understood why. Because he'd always tried to stop her before. Not with innocent charms, but with her darker experiments, certainly, although she'd made a fair argument recently that her protective wards weren't dark, despite requiring human blood. Though the fact remained that what she often did was still illegal. At least, it was if one didn't have a license and worked in the Ministry's experimental departments. Well, if Ministry officials could do it then he supposed so could Lily, but official employees were supervised, had to report their experiments. They were held accountable by their superiors so they wouldn't get too drawn into darker arts. Lily had no such accountability, and when it came down to it, it was her safety that concerned him. He knew she wouldn't willingly convert to the dark arts, but it was possible to slowly slide into it if continued dabbling went unchecked. In all honesty, he couldn't actually picture Lily creating something she knew would be harmful to other people. It simply went against her nature.

But it was still illegal…

James admitted that the law wasn't always right. The Muggleborn Registration Act proved it. And indeed, he bent a few rules himself. Sometimes in order to apprehend the more slippery suspects one needed to be equally slippery, not exactly following the letter of the law but letting himself be guided by the spirit of it and his own principles. Perhaps it was time he allowed Lily that same freedom.

When next Lily spoke, it was with fiery determination. "Well aurory or not, I still have the Order. I can still fight."

"Damned right you can," said James. While the thought of losing Lily in battle was terrifying, the thought of her being broken, denied her life's purpose was even worse.

She smiled at him, _genuinely_ smiled. "I have something to tell you. A plan from a while ago, but you have class in a few minutes. I'll tell you during patrols. Or I could meet you for lunch?"

James withdrew his watch and checked the time. "Sure. We can have Poppy bring us something."

"My rooms?"

He nodded.

"Right. I'll see you then. And thanks for telling me. Have you told Dippet about it? It the sort of thing that ought to go into her report."

"Not yet. Was going to at dinner."

"Alright. See you soon."

Out of habit, perhaps, Lily rose onto her toes, no doubt about to kiss him goodbye. He leaned forward obligingly, ostentatiously presenting his cheek for her. The action seemed to make her realise what she was doing and she stopped, clearing her throat awkwardly. James smirked with amusement, but stayed in that slightly bowed position blinking innocently until she took an apologetic step back.

He chuckled. "Didn't think so," he said, straightening.

Lily rolled her eyes at him and trying to sound un-amused, said, "See you at lunch, Potter."

"Later, Evans."

He watched her scamper out of the courtyard. Still shaking his head in amusement, he followed.

x

"Yes," said Sirius. "I expected a visit from you at some stage."

The ebony owl hooted, bobbing her head, her foot still extended so he could take the letter from it.

He'd been ignoring her long enough, he supposed. The letter-writer, not her owl.

The letter was quite a long one. It read more like a journal, a heading from ten days ago atop the first page, several dates following as it progressed. The first paragraph was flippant, but the next moved onto more serious things. She thanked him for relaying the information about the Muggleborn Registration date, and indeed on the next page described in detail the painful process of the marking. Sirius suspected that he ought to have gone to see her after it happened, to check how she was. His mirror conversations with James provided little information. Since he'd seen her marked, James hadn't spoken much to her at all. Or if he had, he hadn't mentioned it. Sirius assumed she was reasonably alright. Even if she wasn't she still had… well, not Ferris, nor James anymore either. She had Remus, though Sirius didn't know if his friend had gone to visit.

Hagrid, at least. She still had Hagrid.

Sirius shook his head and kept reading, and found out he'd been correct. She'd been spending more of her time with the half-giant… and her books, she cheerfully pointed out. _'You'd be amazed at how much work I've got done…' _And there followed a full page and a half of her latest magical discoveries. Now that section of the letter he could read with sincere pleasure.

The penultimate section had that very day's date, telling him something he'd long ago worked out for himself.

_I think Dumbledore's manoeuvred me into this position. Granted, I do like potions, but he was preparing me for this long before. He never expected me to work as an auror; he's been grooming me as a Potions Mistress this whole time. What's a potions mistress without potions ingredients though? In any case, I'm not best pleased. He might have told me sooner. Prepared me for this. _

"As if you'd have accepted it," Sirius scoffed to the parchment, and read on.

_ No wonder he didn't bat an eye when I requested to drop DADA and take up Herbology. I might have known. In fact, I feel foolish for not having seen it before. Well, if he thinks he can keep me out of prison by locking me away brewing in some basement instead he has another thing coming. I will not be cowed into hiding. I won't be tricked into it either. Mark my words, Sirius. I will __**never**__ go into hiding. I'm going to be out there fighting and if I'm arrested so be it._

_ You'll break me out of Azkaban, won't you?_

_ "_Damned right I will, Cariad," he said with a grin.

The letter ended shortly after that, with a remark that if she didn't send it off soon it would grow too heavy for the owl to carry.

_Affectionately yours,_

_ ~L_

x

She told James of her plan to ascertain if Bunsen were the illicit potions dealer. "If you don't see a problem with it I'm going to talk to Horace tonight before dinner."

"Sounds good," said James, looking over the pages of complicated brewing instructions. "But Merlin this is a grisly potion. Why this one?"

"I needed one that was completely one of a kind. I needed a condition rare enough, unique enough, so that only my potion would do. If any other potion might be used for the illness, then the plan doesn't work, you see?"

"I do. Still, this flesh eating bit is… _brr_…" He shivered. "Dare I ask how you came up with such a thing?"

"I don't know," she said uncertainly. "_Do_ you dare? I can give you the story if you really want to hear it. I'm not sure that you do, though."

Well, of course if she put it like _that_ how could he _not_ want to know? She'd roused his curiosity.

"Is this another Snape story?" he asked with dread.

Lily nodded.

James sighed, but said all the same, "Go ahead. Let me hear it."

So she told him of the time the summer between first and second year when Lily had got in the way while Severus was in the experimental stage of creating _Sectumsempra_, much to Severus' horror. He'd been practicing it on the weeds outside where she'd been spying on him.

"You'll remember that one. It's what you were hit with in Dover, when you were stuck upside down. The one that made you bleed so very much."

"I remember," he gritted out.

At that time Severus hadn't yet created the method of singing them closed again, and had brewed a quick and arguably dark ancient brew that cured most wounds caused by evil magic.

James interrupted her. "Wait wait wait. If there is another brew out there that can cure it, then can't whoever this brewer is use that one instead of yours? He's already shown that he'll brew illegal potions. You said yourself that if there's another potion out there that can cure it then your plan falls through."

Lily shook her head. "It requires blood of a woman, lovingly given. Not just any woman either. The donor must love the drinker. Impossible therefore that an anonymous brewer, who doesn't even know for whom he's brewing, could make it."

James looked appalled. "Blood of a woman?"

"_Lovingly given_," she emphasised. "Surely the fact that it's _willing _sacrifice and that the intent is _good_ makes it not dark?" she reasoned.

To her surprise, James waved that consideration aside. "That's not my point. If the blood of a woman was needed, then how did Snape manage to brew it?"

Oh.

"_Petunia_," Lily breathed. The dismayed Petunia, upon seeing Lily bleeding to death in the garden, had agreed to let Severus use her blood to make the potion that would save her.

In fact, Lily had brewed the potion a few months ago to give to her sister for Christmas, to keep just in case… She didn't tell James this though. Didn't mention she'd used it on him before either. Didn't tell him that seeing that the potion worked on him was how she learned that she loved him.

The fact that he still didn't come back to any of the darker points of her brewing, didn't once in fact ask about how she tested it, made Lily hope that perhaps James was beginning to understand.

"It's dark," he did say. "But these are dark times. All the more believable. Let's see this letter you're going to send."

Lily nodded assent and quickly fetched it.

"Wrote it last night. I'm pretending to be a man who was cursed at night when his back was turned."

He took it from her, and read the letter aloud. Or rather, mumbled it to himself. "…_been to Mungo's, and was healed, but the wound reopens. _Blah blah blah_… won't stay closed no matter how many times my wife tries to episky. _Blah blah_… scheduled another appointment with a healer but, _blah blah blah_, and the soonest they can see me is in two months but this curse will surely kill me before then. _Blah blah blah_… have tried all legal channels and have no other recourse but to _blah blah blah_. Money is no object. If such a brew exists I'll pay any price. _Blah blah…_ If I do not have a reply by tomorrow that you can procure something for me within the week, I will leave directly for Mongolia for experimental treatment, _blah blah,_ sincerely hope it doesn't come to that, _blah blah_. Once again, cost is not an issue. Time is."_

"Far too bland," he stated, still looking it over. "Last line is good though. So's that bit about Mongolia…"

So Lily enlisted his creative flair in drafting another letter, a task James clearly enjoyed.

"Not too dramatic," she reminded him, seeing that he was getting slightly carried away. "This isn't a prank, it has to be believable."

"It's perfectly believable," James said confidently as he finished his latest sentence with _'the side effects of the __**last**__ ineffective potion I took being impotence and extremely painful gas.'_

"Remember he's very likely a Master of Potions himself. He's bound to know what kinds of potions you'd have tried to take, and their likely side effects. I've never heard of those side-effects before."

"Oh, they exist," he said with certainty, not taking his eyes or quill from the page.

"Do I want to know how you know that?" she asked.

He was grinning madly now, though he still didn't look up. "I don't think you do."

"Was it something you took? Or something you gave someone else…"

"Someone else."

"You're right. I don't want to know." The memory clearly held great amusement for James, but Lily doubted she'd likewise enjoy it. She hated how cruel his pranks had been, and wondered if Severus had been the butt of that joke or if it had been some other extremely unlucky fellow. Once again, Lily reminded herself that James wasn't like that _now_. Now he was an upstanding auror, fighting for the underdogs rather than picking on them.

.

"Did you talk to Slughorn?" James asked later that night when they met for patrol.

"Yes, he's going to arrange a meeting."

"Good."

They walked on for a time, not saying anything. It seemed to Lily that they were both doing their best _not_ to say what they wanted. To ask questions they didn't dare.

It was James who spoke at last, a trite attempt to elicit small talk.

"How are lessons?" he asked.

"Good."

He smirked. "And how's the independent study in Herbology coming along?" he asked, his eyes wrinkling in amusement. Lily knew he was remembering how she'd returned from one lesson smelling like a dung bomb.

"I've finished fertilising, thank you very much. Professor Sprout has been very accommodating. I'm getting lots of research done."

"And er… how's the Defence Against the Dark Arts study going?"

"Well enough."

"Anything particularly interesting?"

"I've been focusing on wards recently, as you know. Taking them down as well. You already know I'm doing a cross-discipline project, Charms and D.A.D.A but I'm thinking of doing another. Ward breaking is more difficult than ward setting. Makes me wish I'd kept on with Ancient Runes."

"Sounds as if you should have kept all your subjects from last year. Herbology, Ancient Runes, Arithmancy. Remus said you'd—" He cut off abruptly. "Sorry."

She knew why he was apologising. He'd strayed into a personal area. While the topic was still about academics, he'd let slip he'd been talking to Remus about her. She couldn't complain about that, she herself had enquired of Remus how James was doing.

She immediately picked up the conversation so it wouldn't stall into awkwardness. "I have been doing arithmantic equations in my spare time," she admitted.

"Spare time?" By the way he said it, she couldn't tell whether he had meant it as a sarcastic remark about her schedule, or a joke about his own, 'spare time' being such a foreign concept to him that he didn't even know the phrase.

"You are right though. I wish I'd stayed in all my old lessons. I got the marks to go to N.E.W.T level—"

"Naturally," he interjected.

"But I thought I'd... Well I was just so determined to be an auror, I let other things slide. If I could start this whole year over again I'd do so many things differently..."

He paused in his stride for only a moment before he recovered himself and intoned as though casually, "Oh?"

When she realised what she had said, and how he had taken it, she stopped too. If she could go back to the start of the year, would she have allowed herself to get into a relationship with James? Many times had she told herself that they never should have done it, but if she really had a chance at a fresh start... would she really pass him up? She decided to push that bit aside and just tell him what she _did_ know.

"If I had spent more time in the library studying for all those extra classes at least I'd have had less time to get into trouble, for one. And I'd... I'd have done my best to have banned Hogsmeade visits absolutely."

Then Roo would still be alive. More than anything that's what she most desperately wanted to change. If she could alter only one thing, it would be to have Rooey back.

James, seeming to know what she was thinking, lifted his arm to put around her comfortingly, then stopped mid-gesture and dropped it again. She had even leaned in, more than willing to accept that hug, that comfort. When he realised this, we went ahead and pulled her in.

She missed him. Both of them. Lily still stood by her decision though, no matter how badly she missed and wanted him. There was an imbalance of power between them as they were. He was in a position of authority over her, a mental state that carried over, consciously or not, into their relationship. Of course, it wasn't his fault, and she could see he was trying to change that. But she too let their positions at school affect their relationship. In her case, that awareness manifested itself in an almost debilitating need for secrecy in all things and a near constant state of guilt. Every time they had slept together, she always felt a bit of wrongness nagging at her. James had his moments of guilt too, of course, but it was the last thing on his mind when he got her in bed. Granted, the guilt had never stopped her, but it would be nice to not have that constantly hovering.

It didn't register that James had pulled out of the corridor and into an alcove until she felt herself being pressed between his own body and the stones behind her. She'd opened her mouth to ask… something, she didn't even know, but the lips and tongue she'd need to form a question, any question, was too speedily commandeered and put to another use.

It was a rhapsody of a kiss. Her body was singing confirmation, yes, that this is where she belonged. Her mind, on the other hand was undecided.

"What about our issues?" she panted once she'd managed to pull away. He too had said he wanted the break, had several things he couldn't forgive her for. Those problems hadn't just vanished.

"Don't worry," he said smoothly, biting her ear. "They'll still be there when we've finished," he reasoned, and went on to kiss her neck. Quite persuasively too. She didn't know if she was convinced or just confused.

"James…" she begged, then realised that it was a rather ambiguous request that would likely be taken the wrong way. "James, stop."

"Alright then," he said, pulling away just as easily as he'd spoken. In fact she was still leaning forward reaching out before she realised he was already back into the main corridor, strolling away at a casual pace.

She quickly followed, straightening her robes and hair as she did.

"Wha—what was all that about?" she stuttered.

"Oh, I knew you wouldn't actually do it. I just had a bet with myself to see how far you could be pushed." His smirk was maddening, and she wanted nothing more than to wipe it right off his face. Pity she'd already promised herself not to hex him, otherwise he'd already be oozing puss from several pain-ridden places.

_Now be fair_, said a voice in her mind, sounding annoyingly like Sirius. _You were planning to string him along to keep him interested too._

But she hadn't tried to seduce him. That was just low. And she certainly hadn't _pretended _to want to make love to him for the sake of a stupid bet. That was lower.

Tears of rage pricked painfully and she forced them away.

"You're an arse, James Potter."

"You know, you're the second ex-girlfriend to say that to me in the last 24 hours," he remarked with curious amusement.

"To your face, anyway. I imagine the number of exes who curse you behind your back would climb too high to tally."

"Ouch. That wasn't very nice," he pointed out, though not sounding hurt at all by the slight. "I wonder what your exes say about _you_."

"_You_ are the only ex left alive to insult me behind my back, so you don't have to wonder." she spat.

Thinking of Roo again made her chin tremble. She thought of poor John Michaels too, though she didn't know if he really counted as a boyfriend. Though both had died, Lily realised, as a result of saving her life. Despite her current anger, she desperately wished James would be spared that fate.

"Though Roo would never have…" she added sadly. "He really wouldn't've."

James' face softened. "I'm sorry," he said, putting a hand on her shoulder. "I should have known it wouldn't work this time. I didn't mean to upset you even more."

She shrugged him off. "What do you mean? What wouldn't work?"

"Well, you were going on about what you would change if you could, that you would have kept Ferris out of Hogsmeade. And, well… when you get like that we always… you know… to distract you. Only it didn't work this time, unsurprisingly I suppose. I ought to have known things have changed too much."

Lily shook her head, trying to make sense of everything. "But you said you had a bet with yourself."

"I couldn't very well have said it was just a little 'forget Ferris' snog, now could I?"

"So, that failing, you tried to infuriate me instead?" she asked with fresh outrage.

He grinned unrepentantly. "You _are_ a vision when you're cross, I've always said."

That took the wind right out of her sails. She had no idea what to make of the past 15 minutes, couldn't tell if she was furious, touched, down-hearted, or aroused.

"I think you're trying to manipulate me," she said untrustingly. She was far too tired for this. "To what end I don't know but please stop. I can't handle any more."

James snorted. "Now you know how it feels."

"What do you mean?"

"It means, my dear, that you are one of the least forthright people I know. What you feel now is how I've felt these past two weeks. How most people feel when they deal with you. Or Sirius," he added.

"Good old Sirius," said Lily.

"Now don't start that again," frowned James.

Strangely enough, it was Sirius' own voice that interrupted the conversation.

James reached into his pocket, pulled out the pouch that Lily herself had given to him, turned it upside-down to empty out the mirror into his hand before angling it to his face.

"Padfoot you have uncanny timing," James greeted.

"I do try," came Sirius' lazy reply, proving that he did no such thing. "Have I interrupted something?"

"Only a conversation about yourself."

Sirius' voice brightened. "Ah, finally something worth talking about. With whom?"

James slanted the mirror over so that Lily could see Sirius and vice versa. She waved.

"Oh. Nos da, Cariad." Lily grinned at his attempt at Welsh, and declined to point out that that wasn't really a greeting. "I take it that since you and Prongs are in each other's company at such an hour that you've kissed and made up?" His nose wrinkled slightly, probably at such a trite expression. Lily didn't care too much for it either, especially after…

"We hadn't got around to the second part yet," said James, pointing the mirror back at himself. Lily punched his arm, though not hard… _enough_.

"Lovely," said Sirius with patient disgust. She wondered if that was an aristocracy thing, that tone of voice.

"What did you want, mate? I assume you didn't call to ask about… the state of _affairs_, shall we say."

"If you are going to insist on using puns, hand me over to the lady."

Lily extended her hand to take the mirror, but James jerked it out of reach.

"What do you want, Padfoot," James asked again, less amused this time, probably put out no one found his joke amusing.

"Are you busy?"

"Patrolling."

"Contact me when you're finished then. You two get back to… _work_," he said, the last word rather sceptically. "Behave yourself, Cariad."

Her mouth dropped open in offence. "Tell _him_ that!" she demanded, pointing and angry finger at James.

Sirius grinned. "I'd _never_."

James too sported an equally mischievous smirk and Lily threw her hands up in defeat.

"It's _you_ two what make a fine pair," she muttered under her breath and folding her arms across her chest. "Little beasts."

"Now where were we?" James asked cheerily, having put the mirror back in its usual pocket. "Were we snogging?"

"_No_," said Lily, wishing she could (and he would) forget that entire interlude. "We weren't. And we won't be. I called you on trying to manipulate me."

"Ah yes. A taste of your own medicine."

"I don't do it on purpose!" she insisted.

James merely shrugged.

"Fine. How about we make a deal, hmm? I'll try to be more… _forthright_, if you'll try to be more… _open-minded._"

James considered this. "They sound like euphemisms to me."

Lily didn't bother asking 'euphemisms for what,' and reworded.

"Honesty for acceptance," she put out bluntly. There. She was being frank. Not mincing words. Stating plainly what she wanted. Perfect honesty.

Once again James seemed to mull it over.

"Alright, I _accept_," he said, his word choice not lost on her.

Formally, Lily stuck out her hand to seal the bargain. It certainly wasn't going to be sealed with a _kiss_, she'd make sure of that.

James, seeming to understand her exact line of thought said, "Alright, but it's less fun this way," as he shook her proffered hand. "You know what you've just agreed to, right? You have to give me direct answers when I ask you sincere questions."

"Not all at once, please," she begged. "I think I've had all the James Potter I can take in for one day."

"You used to take in much more of me than that," he said with a leer.

"You have a vile sense of humour this evening," she pointed out with fatigue. Bringing the conversation back to their deal, she reminded him, "And you have to stand back and let me do what I do, not trying to curtail or control anything. Inside or outside school, I'm free to act as I choose."

James' brows furrowed. "I just ask one thing," he said. "A proviso."

Lily didn't like the sound of putting conditions on it, but she saw that reciprocated, it could play to her favour too. "Depends. What is it?"

"Only that if you are to spill any blood or cast any spells classified as 'dark' that you won't do it alone. Let someone else be there, just in case."

"Who am I going to find to come watch me work in what will all probability be the middle of the night, and even if they do, won't go rushing to the authorities? I can't owl Sirius to come over every time I feel like working."

James swept her an ironical courtly bow.

"You?" she asked dubiously.

"Me," he said smugly, as if she were the luckiest girl in the world to be so honoured. She could imagine him hovering over her shoulder, trying to keep his word by not interfering but still making little noises of disapproval. "I promised too. I'd give you free reign, so long as I know what you're doing."

Lily's eyes narrowed calculatingly. "Very well, but I have a stipulation of my own."

James raised an eyebrow. "Oh? You can lie on Tuesdays and Thursdays, is it?"

She sent him a quelling frown. "I promised to give you honesty, but you must give me time."

"How do you mean?"

"I won't lie to you. And when you ask me something I'll try to give you a direct answer. But you can't expect me to sit down and spill everything I've ever kept to myself. Everyone has secrets, James. I don't know all of yours, and you can't know all of mine. I may choose not to answer. But if they must come out, let them come out naturally instead of pulling them out painfully one by one." _Like teeth_, Lily thought to herself. Some were never meant to come out, some did in time, some were knocked out by accident and others were pulled out by force.

"That sounds… reasonable," said James with a slow nod.

"But I don't see how you are going to find the time to come watch me work, what with your schedule and mine…"

"I seem to recall having made the time for you before, remember? Every other evening, at twelve, to go feed an infant unicorn."

Lily smiled fondly at all the memories those hours with James and Mercury inspired.

"You'd be willing to do that again?" she asked.

He rolled his eyes. "Lily, since before Christmas I've spent nearly _every_ night with you. I think I can spare a couple of hours. Starting at the weekend. Can your experiments wait that long?"

"A whole four days?" she asked sarcastically. "How does ten sound?"

"Make it twelve. I'm usually back from the Ministry, or finished with my marking by then."

"So… Every other midnight?"

"Every other midnight," he agreed.

.

Through some prompt of mischief, Lily was sure, James spent the following few days capitalising on her new honesty in the most absurd ways. At various points throughout the day he would pop in wherever she might be and ask a random question, sometimes getting very awkward answers. He accosted her once when she was coming back from tea at Hagrid's, asking if she'd ever had romantic feelings for Severus, "for Snape," actually was what he said. She decided that despite it being slightly in the 'teeth pulling' style, it was something that ought to be cleared away.

"When I was five, I asked him if we would get married. Other than that, no," she had answered, completely embarrassed. Though she _might_ have had that little crush until she was ten. Until Hogwarts. Until Remus, really.

Another time she was working in the Hospital Wing when he strode in and asked outright, "Do you have some kind of sickness you haven't told me about? Is that the real reason why you spend so much time in the Hospital Wing?"

"No," she had replied. It was best to put him at ease on that score too. "I'm perfectly healthy, I assure you, and I spend time here because I want to. Poppy needs all the help she can get."

He'd left just as abruptly as he'd come, leaving Lily in the company of a very confused third year Hufflepuff.

She was sitting in front of the fire late one evening after she'd finished brewing with Horace when James had stuck his head inside her sitting room, not actually entering but leaning around the open portrait.

"Did you ever get the impression that perhaps the Chudley Cannons are losing on _purpose_?"

"No."

"Huh." Thoughtful, he left, letting the portrait swing shut behind him.

Lily actually snorted with amusement by the consistency of his randomness.

x

It was the first time he'd seen her in person since she'd been marked and he'd already formulated a plan. He'd read pages about the thing in her letter, but actually seeing it, it didn't look like a social catastrophe. In fact, if Sirius didn't know the significance of it, he'd say the red band around her arm was rather stylish. It complimented her hair and set off her right side, giving an edgy asymmetrical look. She drew the eye, it made her more visually powerful, almost gravitational. He rather thought that under different circumstances it could become quite a trend, and was in fact tempted to try it himself. Not that shade though. It wouldn't suit him. He was thinking more along the lines of silver or dark gold, perhaps bronze. A metallic hue in silk would give it that same shiny glow without the painful magical branding used to make hers stand out.

"Everybody stares the first time they see it," she pointed out, inviting him to take a seat.

Sirius shook his head, taking off his cloak and tossing it on the back of the sofa. "No, it's not that. I was only trying to decide what colour mine should be."

"Yours?" she asked, her head tilting to the side.

"Hmm. What colour is my tie?" he asked, not actually remembering getting dressed that morning.

"Dove grey. Suede, by the look of it." There was still a question to her tone but he didn't answer it. Instead, he withdrew his wand and a handkerchief and did some quick transfiguration. The results were flawless and he ran his hand over the material, jolting his memory about the cravat he was wearing. He remembered it now.

Sirius magicked the cloth around his arm and surveyed himself. Unsatisfied with the angle he transfigured to wood of the door into a mirror, the better to inspect himself.

Ah. _Yes… _

"Come look at us in the glass, Cariad," he bade.

She approached him slowly, and Sirius pulled her the rest of the way, placing her in front of him, his arms on her shoulders, their marks in alignment, his above hers. Standing there together, both of them wearing marks that matched their ensembles, her own mark looked completely harmless, a simple accessory. His dove grey suede looked good too, despite it not being the material he'd initially envisioned.

Watching their reflection, he lowered his mouth to her ear and whispered, "Now it's naught but an ordinary arm band." A political statement turned fashion statement. Before he'd arrived he thought it might be done, and seeing the final product only confirmed it. "And don't they look well?" he said, in his normal speaking voice again, straightening so he wasn't hovering over her. "Something iconic about it, to be sure. Distinguished. Yes, I think I'll have to make a whole set of these. One to match each cravat."

"Oh, _Sirius_." And with no other warning, she turned round and threw herself at him, squeezing him tightly in an embrace. After a moment he collected himself and put his arms around her, giving her consoling pats on the back. "There there, Cariad. It's only a fashion statement."

"It's the sweetest fashion statement anyone ever made," she declared, and did her best to nuzzle deeper into his neck. Her nose touched the scar there.

He cleared his throat and waited another moment or three before peeling her off him. "But I didn't come here to update my wardrobe. Let's get down to business. Let me have a look at this potion we're selling."

Lily handed him a copy of her notes, including on the first page the name of the brew, its effects and side-effects, followed by her name and the date. The next page was a comprehensive list of ingredients and following that a complete list of brewing instructions followed lastly by the rules for its application. Sirius read the entire dossier, all 23 pages of it. It was a good thing she had such clear and even handwriting, or it would have been an immense strain on the eyes.

"Impressive," said Sirius, more to himself than anything but she heard.

"I try."

"Yes," he remarked drily. "I know you do." _Tried too hard most of the time. _"And you succeed," he added, to be fair. "What time are we to be down there?" he asked, though in reality he knew when. The question was simply his way of saying they should be off, without actually hustling her out of her own rooms.

"Soon. Ready to go?"

Slughorn didn't seem especially pleased to see him, Sirius thought. When Sirius had been in school Slughorn had adored him, but now, he suspected he was only getting in the way. No doubt Horace wanted to represent Lily himself, somehow take credit, even if just by association, for her work. Bunsen wasn't there yet, and Slughorn was mannerly enough to offer tea, or, if they preferred, sparkling pineapple juice.

Sirius declined though the lady agreed to some tea. Sirius noticed that despite being all smiles, she still tested her teacup untrustingly when her teacher's back was turned. Or perhaps that wasn't mistrust, just habit. No surprise, after Ferris. One couldn't be too careful. Constant vigilance, as James often quoted.

"So, tell me about this new brew," Horace invited.

"Ah. I'm under contract now, Professor," she said grinning madly. "Master Bunsen gets first dibs." She tapped the rolled up parchment to Slughorn's nose, almost flirtatiously. She really was a manipulative little creature, Sirius noted with approval. Potioneers, more than others, were very territorial and guarded their secrets viciously, Sirius knew. She was just doing her guarding rather more sweetly than was customary in the trade.

Bunsen finally arrived, shaking Slughorn's hand first as the perfunctory greetings were made. When he reached to take Lily's hand next his arm paused as he took in her muggleborn mark. Bunsen seemed to look around to the others questioningly, and noticed Sirius's arm band and accompanying challenging raised eyebrow, and shook her hand after all.

"Sirius Black," he introduced himself. "We met before."

"I remember," said Bunsen unenthusiastically.

"Good. Then let's begin. Perhaps, Horace, you'd be good enough to step outside?" Sirius suggested.

Slughorn clearly didn't like the idea of being shunted out of his own office, especially when something so potentially profitable was occurring there, but after an impatient huff from Sirius, the portly man wobbled out of the room. Sirius wasn't the only one who secretly cast privacy charms at the door. When he caught Lily doing the same he gave her a wink.

x

"No, you keep it. The phial has an unbreakable charm on it, so just put it in your pocket. Ooh, better yet, put it in the pouch I gave you. Now then, let's see if this works."

"I came here to be a _spectator_," James complained good-naturedly. "Not a test subject. _Ow!_" The small stinging hex nipped his thigh.

"So carrying a phial of my blood doesn't work either," she noted, though not disappointed, merely curious. So far she'd tried hexing him with a phial of her blood, with her blood on his robes, and standing in a small circle of blood drawn on an open page of the Daily Prophet. So far, only the newspaper had worked.

She cast the spell on the blood in the phial again. "Try drinking it," she said, and made to put the glass tube to his lips.

"What? No! That's disgusting!" James immediately protested.

"Only a little! Maybe it has to be a _part_ of you, and not just on you. I'm thinking that's why wards on clothing don't work."

"I'm not _drinking_ blood. That's just wro—" He barely stopped himself from that judgemental statement, changing it at the last moment to "Revolting." Which he supposed was hardly much better. "I think you should stop. You've spilt enough blood for one evening."

"That," she said angrily. "Counts as trying to curtail my work!" she accused.

James threw up his hands in exasperation. "Letting you bleed to death would also put a stop to it, a permanent one."

"You know what, you can just go. This was clearly too much too quickly. I'll owl Sirius to come over some evening, he's not as squeamish."

"I'm not _squeamish_!" he defended. He was a bloody _auror_ for pity's sake. "And I don't imagine Sirius would be too keen on the thought of drinking blood either!"

"I've had his, and he wasn't at all disturbed by it."

James blinked. "What? When was this?"

"After Weyland died. I was trying to find out what made life and where life is kept. Since vampires sustained themselves on blood I thought that's where it must be. Weyland said different people's blood tasted differently and I was curious. After trying some of my own I asked Sirius for some of his and he immediately gave me some. Didn't even ask why." By this point she had distracted herself with this new (or rather, old) topic and she carried on thoughtfully. "It didn't taste any different to me though, so it must be something that only vampires can pick up on. Perhaps it is life after all that they taste, and since I wasn't taking Sirius' life I wouldn't've tasted it…"

She shook herself from this little lecture, focussing on getting back on track. "But that's beside the point! If you aren't going to keep your end of the bargain then I don't have to either. You can just go and let me work by myself!"

"There's no more blood replenisher!" he bawled out. "You can't keep going like this anyway!"

"You are just looking for any excuse to make me stop."

"It's a legitimate concern," he snarled.

"Which you _only_ thought to bring up after I asked you to do something you judged as wrong and revolting. How very convenient, Potter."

"Oh please, I thought the whole bloody business was revolting from the start," he argued, and realised only a moment later that that had been quite the wrong thing to say.

Lily visibly deflated, she sighed and slumped into a chair and put her head in a hand. "This clearly isn't working."

x

His outburst had disappointed her deeply. Here she thought he was learning to accept what she was doing, when in reality it wasn't acceptance, he just wasn't voicing his displeasure and disapproval. Nothing had really changed. It was a stupid idea to think anything could be solved with a bargain. A fool's trade. Honesty for acceptance. As if it was that simple. James couldn't simply start accepting things that he'd long considered wrong any more easily than she could just open up and tell him…

Well… lots of things.

Lily had been naive to think they could solve their problems with such a crude method. At the time she thought that's what was needed. She needed to be more straightforward, so she'd proposed a straightforward plan.

An idiotic plan.

Or perhaps, just idiotic to think it would work.

"I'm not leaving. I'm staying right here if you are intent on… on exsanguination!" he shouted, gesturing madly to everything in the room that had blood on it, which was nearly everything.

"I. Don't. Want. You. Here," she said firmly. "If you aren't helping then you are only getting in the way. If you'd have just drunk the blood we'd be on to the next experiment by now. You're just wasting my time."

"I didn't come to further your experiments! I'm not your lab animal. I _came_ to supervise!"

"Supervise?" she asked militantly. Supervise. In other words, manage, direct, control. Meaning he'd come to play baby-sitter. Had come to be the teacher/auror to oversee a student/charge.

Fuck that.

"Supervise?" Lily repeated. "You came to _spy_!"

"Not spy. Dark Arts are dangerous. I was just making sure that you didn't—"

"What?" Lily interrupted. "Turn into a Death Eater while your back was turned? You think that spilling a bit of blood is going to seduce me into the Dark Arts? James, I've been doing this sort of thing for _years_ without you. And you may have noticed, I'm not about to join Voldemort any time soon."

"I know you're not." James ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "We're going in fucking circles."

They'd had this argument numerous times without any resolution. They weregoing in circles and each time they made the loop they seemed to gather more momentum rather than slow down. It just never stopped, but went round and round, not getting anywhere and only ending up back where they started.

Lily gasped, eyes wide, almost not trusting herself. "That's _it_!" she cried ecstatically. "That's it, James, that's it!"

James, thoroughly bewildered, asked, "_what's_ it?"

"Wards need to flow! Wards need to be circular! Or, at least a loop, so long as the end touches were it began. I can't believe I didn't see it before. Of _course_ wards flow. Merlin, Lily you really are an idiot," she said to herself. "That's why the circle on the floor works but the phial of blood on someone else doesn't," she went on. "That's why the blood flowing through my body does! It's a circuit. An infinite loop. Christ, what a fool I've been!"

She immediately began writing a new page of notes, doing her best to jot down everything that came flowing from her head in a torrent. Her fingers were sluggish enough in comparison to her lively thoughts, but her quill made notation even more cumbersome. She eventually tossed it away in agitation and summoned a muggle pen from her room so she could continue writing more freely, unconstrained by quill bits and having to re-dip it into the pot every few words. She also saved her notes from blotting ink.

_Yes!_

There was nothing so exhilarating as moments like these. The _eureka_ moments. When enlightenment dawns, opening up a whole new realm of possibilities. She could be writing for several more hours, ideas, theories, notes on future experiments. Oh but when she was finished she couldn't wait to try some of the ideas that were already multiplying in her mind.

She was so happy, nothing could cloud her joy. Not even James. Especially not James. For all that they'd been having a blazing row, she was glad he was there to share the discovery, that he could be a part of this rush.

"_Merlin_," he breathed, leaning over her shoulder to read what she was frantically scribbling. As a teacher he had practice in deciphering all sorts of illegible handwriting. Hers, he had particular practice with. "That's brilliant." His voice was quiet, almost reverent, as if speaking too loudly would disrupt her. Lily didn't think anything could distract her now, though. There was a bit of warm pleasure at his words that registered vaguely in the back of her head, but she was too busy to take note of it. Besides, that warm pleasure was practically indistinguishable from the utter giddiness of the discovery anyway.

"Thanks for the idea. 'Going in circles,' indeed. I _still_ can't believe I didn't see this earlier. It seems so obvious now. I can't believe I've cast so many wards in my life, but didn't, until this moment, know how they actually _worked._"

Though she cast spells, used magic every day and _still_ didn't know how _that _worked. She'd ridden in automobiles, trains, without knowing how _they_ worked. It wasn't that big a wonder. But it did make her contemplate just how much else she was ignorant of. Ignorant of even her ignorance.

x

James rubbed his eyes groggily and felt around for his spectacles, which must have been somewhere nearby. He'd fallen asleep on her couch while she was busy writing. Now it was about an hour after dawn, if he judged aright.

He found his glasses and put them on, surveying the room. It looked as if some violent search had been carried out, as the place was a mess of parchment and blood scattered everywhere. In the midst of it was a sleeping redhead, hair flowing across books, parchment and the table at which she sat. James had fallen asleep at his desk before, many times, and was all too familiar with the backache one felt in the morning.

He quietly approached, putting a hand on the back of her head, unable to stop himself from stroking her hair as he had so often waked her before.

"Lily?"

"Hmm?" she mumbled, but didn't open her eyes.

"It's morning. Do you want to sleep more or shall I send for tea and breakfast?" He didn't know why he was whispering, the only two people in the room were awake.

"Mmm." She slowly began to stretch, her legs and arms first, then her back and neck. He heard her pop in a few places. Her eyes, when she looked at him, were still rather sleep filled. How long ago had she nodded off? An hour? Well it was Saturday, she was free to sleep the morning away if she wished. "Food…"

James was thinking that was a good idea as well, and summoned Poppy.

Lily rose from her chair, stretched again, yawned broadly, took a few steps and collapsed onto the couch with a sigh. "What a good night," she said with a fatigued but satisfied smile. James forced himself not to recall the other times he'd seen her so dishevelled, exhausted but happy looking. What was more, she didn't seem to recall their row and James wasn't in a hurry to remind her. It felt good to be with her again. Not in a romantic way, but simply being in her company. He'd been feeling incredibly high strung the past 3 weeks, had been sleeping poorly, everything seemed out of place. A few hours with Lily, working, debating, seemed to put everything right again. It was as if some pressure had been lifted from his shoulders. He could focus, think clearly. Perhaps because when she was around, he didn't have to be wondering what she might be doing at that moment.

In any case, spending the night in Lily's rooms, even if it was only on the couch, restored him. Or at least, that's how he felt. Would it last? Would another night apart bring back the strain that had been constant these last three weeks?

'_Well, I'll find out tonight,' _he thought, imagining sleeping alone in his own bed. He felt good now, but he'd have felt even _better_ if he'd slept in _her_ bed. It was better than his own, he was sure of it. That and it had been a long time since his last shag. He wished Lily would try to seduce him to get him back. James imagined it and it really wasn't much of a seduction…

_"James, come to bed."_

_ "Right away, dear." _

He'd like to say he had the fortitude to say no, but he knew if the opportunity ever presented itself he'd take full advantage, whether they were reconciled or not.

But surely they were on the right path to sorting out their issues. Why not solve them while being together? That way James could get some proper sleep every night instead of only the fitful naps he'd managed since they split up. Amorous activity was good exercise and excellent for relieving stress. Perhaps if he put it to her like that she might acquiesce.

_Hardly._ She'd made it clear she didn't want anything of the sort; _although_ the night in the corridor proved she was susceptible to persuasion…

That had been a mistake, in retrospect, the dalliance during patrols, not only from her perspective but his own as well. When one hasn't eaten for a long time, it's almost easy to forget the hunger. Have a bite of bread and suddenly one becomes ravenous.

Yes, he decided. There was no reason they couldn't be together and indulge in a bit of stress relief while working out their problems at the same time. There was no rule that stated they had to be apart to sort things out.

_Except you being her teacher is part of her problem,_ he reminded himself. _That_ could only be solved with time, according to her.

Well, he'd see about that.

"Any plans for the day?" he asked, scooping up egg onto a bit of bacon and bringing it to his mouth.

"Going to Hagrid's this morning. Going to see about finding a Porlock for the stables. There are some in the forest."

"How are you going to get one?" James asked. "They avoid humans."

"Hagrid will find a way. He always does," she answered, smiling over her teacup which she was using to warm her hands.

Yes, the half-giant had a knack for it. In James' day, _he_ had been the one to go with Hagrid on these little excursions, though James had to admit he didn't have the same kind of closeness of friendship with the gamekeeper as Lily had. For James, it had been a bit of extra excitement, a chance to go into the forbidden forest and test out his skills.

"_Too-wit-too-woo!" _the owl called, interrupting his moment of nostalgia.

James didn't recognise the hoot as Dragon the Third or Ebony, and sure enough, he turned around to find a strange owl had landed on the perch that had a moment ago been vacant.

Lily perked up immediately and shot out of her seat to fetch the missive the carrier-bird had brought.

James also sat up straighter in anticipation. Lily had met with Bunsen and sent the spurious potion request.

"Is it from—?"

"Yes," she said so quickly and sharply that she might as well have said 'Hush!' James fell silent and waited eagerly.

Lily quickly scanned the letter, bouncing on her toes as if the action would make her read faster. Finally she dropped the letter and fixed her eyes on his.

"It's him."

x

"Sirius, old boy!" someone hailed him. Sirius could think of a handful of people he wouldn't mind speaking to at that moment, and he'd recognise any of their voices instantly. He knew this man didn't transform into a rat, deer, or werewolf, and therefore wasn't worth talking to.

He was determined to carry on down the alley, pretending not to have heard, but Diagon was so bloody deserted it was difficult to pretend.

Difficult, but not impossible.

"Sirius Black!"

He growled to himself, and thought he might confront this man after all, if only for the pleasure of telling him to bugger off.

It was that Amberly chap. The one Sirius vaguely remembered talking to at the last meeting before James had arrived and sobered him up. If he didn't have anything interesting to say Sirius would apparate away directly.

"Euphemius," he drawled.

"Black. Bit of luck that I finally caught you up. I was afraid you wouldn't hear me."

"Luck indeed." _Bad_ luck.

"I say, what on earth is that you've got there?" Euphemius asked, frowning at Sirius' arm.

_ "_I saw someone else wearing one and thought it had potential for style."

Euphemius burst out laughing at this, perhaps taking it to be making fun of muggleborns rather than in support of them. Then again, Sirius reasoned, if he _were _to make fun of muggleborns, he _would have_ gone about it in precisely the same way.

Oh well. Let people think whatever they would. He really didn't care.

"Been to Gladrags?" the other man asked, looking at the bags floating next to Sirius.

"Obviously." He'd ordered armbands in various colours and fabrics. The haberdasher had been confused at first, but had finally cottoned on and got to making them. Sirius could have transfigured them himself, certainly, but he needed the gossipy woman to tell all the other patrons (posh or not) what he'd bought. It wouldn't catch on otherwise. Sirius wasn't publicly exposed enough for it to catch on simply by other people seeing him wear it.

"Are you going to Oldstyle's soiree tonight?"

"I hadn't planned on it."

"Do. Ichabod has something interesting to show us all. You'd find it amusing." He gestured to Sirius' marked sleeve.

Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "Very well, I might," he said. If it was about muggleborn baiting, as Euphemius had hinted, it could be worthwhile. Perhaps useless to go, but possibly dangerous not to. Well, not dangerous to him, but he couldn't chance missing out on information. He'd be damned if Snivellus Snape provided the Order with more information than he did.

.

Sirius sipped his third glass of wine, suppressing a yawn every other minute.

"It's an absolute bore, Euphemius. Why did you insist I come?" Sirius complained dramatically.

"Patience, Sirius. The entertainment hasn't started yet."

Sirius harrumphed sceptically. "How much longer must we wait?"

"Not long, I expect. Have you drawn any remarks with that arm band?"

"Plenty. Told them all I ordered two dozen from Madam Malkin and so should they. Postlethwait nearly collapsed. Pity he didn't."

"I do love the way you despise everyone," Euphemius declared.

"I despise you too, you know."

"Of course I know. What has that got to do anything?"

Sirius smirked. "Nothing at all." Sirius was obviously affected by his Gryffindor upbringing. In Slytherin (Euphemius' house) alliances weren't based on such things as comradeship or sentimentality. Granted, apart for the four main exceptions, Sirius didn't set much store by them either.

.

The evening's entertainment, Sirius soon learned, was a Jarvey fight. Everyone placed bets on the two battling creatures, as a pair of wizards on either side of the ring casted stinging hexes to provoke the beasts to fight more fiercely.

The wizards surrounding the enclosure shoved at one another and shouted (nearly as offensively as the beasts themselves), cheering and exchanging bets or raising the stakes.

"Hmm… 80 galleons on that one," said Sirius, pointing to the one whose front left leg now had such a deep wound one could see the muscle and sinew as the blood flowed freely from it; the clear underdog but clearly the more desperate animal as well.

After much snarling, snapping, slashing and gnashing one of the giant ferret-like creatures finally gave up and died, its death accompanied by much cheering or grumbling, depending on which beast the wizards had bet on. Sirius didn't have the gold on him to pay out the 80 galleons, but he wrote a note of debt, (as many others had done) to be settled at a later time. Not that the money was of any real consequence, but Sirius planned on winning the money back before the evening was out. It would save some trouble if he could sort it all out there, so he wouldn't have to inconveniently seek anyone else out later.

Once the enclosure had been cleared of the carcass and scourgified of gore, another pair of animals was brought out. Jabberknolls, Sirius noted with interest. The difference between the overly vocal Jarvies was distinct. The exotic birds didn't squawk or screech at all as they fought, did not making a single sound as they clawed and flapped at one another or when they were struck by painfully prodding hexes. The jeers and shouts of the men however made up for the animals' silence.

The end of the fight was unmistakable, for at the moment of its death, the losing bird suddenly let out a long scream consisting of all the sounds it had ever heard, a truly ghastly sound. Disconcerting, though no one in the room seemed to care. Or perhaps they were all doing as Sirius was, keeping his face from showing how the bird's death-cry had affected him.

In fact, he'd been so distracted by the sound that at first he hadn't noticed the next pair of animals brought into the ring…

Both men were naked from the waist up and bright red rings circled their bare arms. One man was in his forties, a somewhat handsome face with an aquiline nose who looked vaguely familiar. Only _he_ winced when the word 'mudblood' was shouted, and it was _that_ man upon whom Sirius placed his bet. 160 galleons this time. Double or nothing.

First Jarvies, then Jabberknolls, then muggleborns. They were much the same thing to _this _crowd. They used the same hexes to aggravate the men that they did the lesser beasts, drawing no distinction between them.

It was clear that both men were reluctant to fight, and the punches they half-heartedly threw at one another were made only slightly more aggressive by the hexes and curses they were punished with for not trying hard enough. They were more inclined to take the curses than seriously hurt one another.

It was Ichabod's stentorian bellow of "Loser gets Crucioed!" that got the men fighting in earnest.

Sirius kept his face studiously blank. He would be lying if he said the fight wasn't entertaining, for he couldn't keep his eyes off the duelling pair, secretly rooting for his own man. (_Yes! Get him! Ha!)_ It was almost like being a spectator at any sporting competition, only here, no matter which fighter bested the other, they still both came out losers. It was this fact that kept him from enjoying it. Though horrible for the muggleborn, Sirius almost wanted one of the combatants to be hit with it, that way Ichabod could be thrown in Azkaban for using an Unforgivable.

Sirius' man bobbed and weaved systematically while the other seemed to have no method, only lunged and swung with wild abandon. Though clearly younger, the latter man soon grew exhausted, and the fight soon ended. The elder, elegantly faced man threw an impressive blow, knocking out his opponent completely.

Sirius was certain that it had been deliberate, and that the man was in his own way (the only way he could) sparing his fellow muggleborn from being crucioed. For what point was there in torturing an unconscious man?

What was more, Sirius was certain none of the other purebloods had understood, mistaking the incredible punch for ruthlessness, rather than mercy.

Once again men settled their bets and as Ichabod grudgingly handed him a marker for the gold he owed, Sirius said impulsively, "I want to talk to that fighter." Men turned to him curiously.

"Come away, Black, fight's over. No point," said one.

"No no, I want to go talk to that muggle," Sirius insisted, falling into the bigoted pattern of calling muggleborns simply 'muggle'. "He's got spark. I like it."

"You are so droll, Black. I don't know where you come up with these schemes," Euphemius put in jovially, following Sirius as he left the group to make his way to the ring. Curious, a few other men followed him, ready and eager for the taunting they no doubt expected Sirius to dole out. Ichabod, rolling his eyes and sighing, went as well.

"You there, muggle!" Ichabod barked.

The man who had been dabbing gingerly at his split lip paused and looked up, eyes squinting slightly in the light. His fine features were hidden underneath the green and purple swelling from the few blows the other man had (in Sirirus' opinion) had been lucky enough to land.

"What's your name?" Sirius asked. The ring was well lit, so they could all see the muggleborn well. Sirius doubted that the reverse held true. To the other man, they must seem like a dark crowd of indistinguishable monsters.

The fighter stayed resolutely silent, chin held at a proud angle.

Ichabod Oldstyle pointed his wand at the man. "Answer his questions, mudblood."

He was hit with a moderately painful hex, to judge by his reaction, though it might have been solely the use of the word. Very likely both.

"What's your name, you?" Sirius repeated, stepping as close as he could and leaning as if casually on the barrier so that the light might land on him.

The man squinted at him, before his eyes widened slightly in recognition. "Sirius Black."

"No, that would be _my_ name. _Who_ are _you_?"

"Ben Atherton."

Sirius wondered if all his answers would be so succinct.

"You know who I am?" Sirius continued.

"I used to work at _Witch Weekly_. Saw you there often enough when you used to model for us." The man's English was educated, well bred. Whatever his parents were, muggles or not, this was a man raised comfortably, used to the best of things. Put him in a set of dress robes and he'd blend right in with the rest assembled there, barring the mark he bore round his arm.

"I don't remember you," Sirius lied. He recalled the face now. The name. He worked directly under Glenda.

The man snorted. "Quelle surprise. I was _only_ the junior editor, and you only came into my office a few _dozen_ times." The man managed an admirable amount of disdainful sarcasm in the remark, unfortunately this earned him another painful hex from Ichabod for his cheek.

"What were your N.E.W.T's?" Sirius continued.

Clearly displeased at this forced interview and probably still in pain, Atherton replied curtly, "Five. Three E's and two O's."

Clever then. Sirius had suspected as much.

"Why are you here?"

"Because of people like you," said Atherton bitterly, but still the pride was there in the arch of his eyebrow, the straight line of his back and the lift of his chin.

"There's _no one _like me," Sirius corrected loftily. "You mean people like _them_." He waved a dismissive hand at the rest of the room. "Answer the question. Why are you here?"

Atherton huffed drily, but answered, "Because as long as I agree to this… _indignity_, I have a job at the Daily Prophet. In the print room," he added with disgust. From editor to print room in a month, quite the demotion, Sirius agreed. But that meant that he had agreed to this willingly. There was no crime in it for Sirius to report to James to arrest the host.

"Why not go back to the muggle world then?" Sirius asked, raising a hand to shush his audience when they started jeering like comments, that all muggleborns should go back to where they came from.

"Yes, that's what you want, isn't it. Well, I can't, and that's all about it," Atherton said. Sirius was unable to stop himself imagining what circumstances it might be that made going back impossible. Perhaps disowned by his own family for being magical? Perhaps he had no family left. Perhaps he'd been so long out of the muggle world he had no idea of how to make his way in it again…

"Where did you learn to fight like that?" Sirius asked, changing the subject, though he was genuinely interested.

At last, they seemed to have landed on a subject he might discuss freely. "Boxing lessons growing up. I practiced until I left Hogwarts. Haven't done it in 27 years, but it came back rather quickly."

Sirius had heard of boxing but hadn't known what it looked like until now.

"I am intrigued with the sport. Meet me tomorrow night at the Hogshead to discuss giving me lessons."

"I… beg your pardon?" Atherton asked, clearly confused by this request. The purebloods surrounding him also made questioning noises.

"Boxing. I want to learn. You'll teach me." Sirius met the man's eyes, and then quickly darted his gaze to his own arm band before regarding Atherton again meaningfully. "Tomorrow. Hogshead. Be there."

Sirius turned around, but not before seeing the bruised muggleborn nodding mutely.

Wounded pride, such as Atherton had suffered, might be mended by such work as the Order could provide for him. He was clearly a clever man, and had obvious interest in Muggleborn rights. Sirius would speak to Dumbledore about recruiting him.

"Ha! Learning to fight like a muggle? Why?" asked Euphemius, of course.

Actually, Sirius was only half interested. It would be impressive to be the one pounding, less so to be the one being pounded. He didn't much fancy the idea of being punched repeatedly in the face, but he needed an excuse to meet the man again, and wasn't stupid enough to speak of the truth with a group of men standing there listening in on them.

"A man needs a hobby," Sirius replied with a shrug. "It might amuse me."

'Vulgar," said Ichabod, wrinkling his nose. "For a man of your blood."

"Ha! How entertaining! Black, you _are_ droll," said Euphemius. "I do wonder where he comes up with these schemes."

"He has nothing better to do, that's all it amounts to," said Ichabod dismissively.

"That's certainly true," Sirius agreed. "Perhaps next time it will be I in the ring, and you can place your bets on me." He turned to Ichabod. "I'll even let you Crucio me if I lose," he added wryly.

.

"Prongs," said Sirius into the handheld mirror once he'd left Oldstyle's.

"Yeah mate." His friend's face looked tired, but determined.

"You at the castle?"

"Yes, why?"

"Stay there. I'm coming to Hogwarts."

The information had no real value to the Order, or to the aurory, as technically Ichabod Oldstyle hadn't done anything illegal. Both muggleborns had agreed to go into the ring (though probably not to be being hexed to fight more fiercely) and Ichabod hadn't followed through with his threat of casting an Unforgivable. They weren't being enslaved there, they were only desperate men making a sacrifice to try to keep their lives together. Still, it was the sort of thing James would want to know. That and Sirius knew his friend knew more about physical fighting than he did. James had even given Lily lessons.

"What is that?" James asked, pointing to the cream coloured silk sash Sirius had wrapped around his arm. With this one, he'd tied it himself, rather than make it a full band. Two delicate tails drooped elegantly from it.

"What does it look like?" Sirius said.

"Looks like you missed out on the memorandum. Wrong colour and not meant for purebloods."

Sirius frowned at his friend until realisation dawned.

"Oh," said James. "That's… quite a dangerous statement you're making, Padfoot. How has it been received?"

"With mixed reviews. Though generally I've found that people see in it what they want to. Support of their own opinion, whatever that may be."

"Wish I'd thought of it," James remarked, leaning his head on his hand.

"Don't worry, I have one for you as well." Sirius pulled it out. He'd also got ones for Remus, Peter and a few others.

"Would that I could wear this," said James sadly.

"Why can't you?"

"It'd be a trifle too obvious to openly support her. It would invite rude speculation," he answered, putting the band down onto the desk.

"True speculation," Sirius pointed out.

"But rude, all the same," James added fairly. "That's the last thing we need just now."

"Tsk tsk. How terribly short-sighted of you, Prongs. Your lady is not the only muggleborn with the mark, not even in the castle. Besides, it's not just you who will be wearing one."

"No?"

"Certainly not. You are starting a trend." At this he gave his friend a mocking smile and held the band out for his friend to take it again. "One week wearing this and all the lads will be too. Just look at how that ridiculous duel belt caught on."

"It's not ridiculous," James defended, patting the leather wand holster as if to console the offended item.

Sirius waved it aside. "The point is if you wear it the thing with catch on."

"Why are you doing this?" James asked as he took the band Sirius held out for him.

Sirius glowered at his friend's obtuseness.

"Because you were too thick not to," Sirius growled, discomfited by the true reason, which his friend should have gathered without him having to say it.

James put on the band, which was as near a shade to crimson as the muggleborn marks themselves were, but lined with glittering gold thread at the edges.. James studied the effect with brows drawn down in thought. "This will mean a lot to her," he said quietly.

"I know," Sirius replied, looking away. "_I know…_"

* * *

_You like updates. I like reviews. I think it's a fair quid pro quo, don't you?  
_


	78. If You Prick Us, Do We Not Bleed?

_**Author's Note: **_

_First, allow me to be petty and defensive about Lily. People have made the comment that she is "too good." People say she's unrealistic. Yes, we know she has her problems as well, (mainly to quote a reader or 10, Lily being a huge bitch) but despite her insecurities and her obvious faults and how she treats James and others, she's still 'too perfect.' To that I say… _

_**Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. **_

_Apart from being magical, I'd say that she isn't unrealistic as much as she is uncommon. It IS possible to be attractive, be clever in school, do a lot of extracurricular activities that you are good at, as well as fighting for a cause. It's just not probable. And it's not like all those things don't take their toll on her._

_I've read people say that they just have to 'put up' with Lily in order to enjoy the rest of the story. Did it piss me off? You bet it did. But not, perhaps, for the reason you might think. _

_We like to read stories whose characters we can relate to. But let's face it; there are __**billions**__ of people on the planet that you don't relate to. And whether that's the problem with the world or if it's merely a fact of life, it remains true that not every heroine in every story is going to be someone you can pretend to be. We read stories about incredible people. History is full of above-average people. They_ make_ history. I'm not saying that you aren't incredible people, I'm just saying don't get put off because some characters are exceptional. Exceptional people exist. Deal with it. I'm actually willing to bet that almost everyone reading this has the potential to be exceptional in some way._

_So it the characterisations make my story unpalatable… then just go away. Better yet. Stop reading fanfiction all together; step away from your computer, go outside, and actually do something worthwhile. Make a difference in your community and don't waste your time criticising fictional heroines and start actually being one yourself. It might just make the world a better place._

_I'm not saying that reading fanfiction is a waste of time. Reading, in my opinion, should almost always be encouraged. Almost. But I do think there can be such as thing as reading for the wrong reasons._

_When does reading (or playing video games, or watching movies, or shopping, or whatever it might be) stop being a fun pastime and start being an avoidance tactic? How many of you _hide_ in fanfiction, or in books or movies etc? _

_Perhaps it's simply easier to be satisfied with books (games, films) than it is to be with the real world. _

_But that's not right. Yes, reading should be for pleasure, for the occasional escape from the stress of everyday life, but it should also be about broadening your mind, educating yourself, make you more curious and more eager to __**be in**__ the world and __**inspire**__ you to do something great with it. Reading shouldn't be a _**wall**_ to keep you _from_ the world. It should be your **gateway **_to _it._

_If people could be as riled up about their own communities or other people in need as they do (did) about the premier of the Deathly Hallows, imagine how different the world would be._

_**.**_

_Since writing the above I've left my job and Iraq (It wasn't being shot at or tear-gassed that drove me away, there are only so many human rights violations and so much corruption a girl can take before giving her boss the finger and walking out. He told me quitting isn't going to stop the corruption, it won't change anything. I told him that just because I can't change it doesn't mean I have to be a part of it. So a moral victory but he's right, it didn't do anyone any good.) So I'm back in the states for now. Might as well carry on with this; I figured if I can't make people care about tragic and unjust situations that are very real, might as well make people care about those that aren't._

* * *

_**Chapter 78: **__If You Prick Us, Do We Not Bleed?_

James dodged yet another hex. The bright green light zinged passed and shattered the window behind him with a loud crash, showering him with broken glass. He fired a retaliatory hex back before looking around for his fellow aurors that had accompanied him on the raid.

"FRANK!" James cried in dismay as the Death Eater he'd thought he'd brought down staggered to his feet, wand aimed at Frank, whose back was turned as he duelled another Death Eater.

Both Death Eaters fired the same curse at the same time. Alice came running into the room, no doubt in response to James' shout. Her eyes widened with horror at the sound of the dual "Avada Kedavra" and the vision of the two Unforgivables converging on her husband.

"Accio Frank!" James shouted, terrified he hadn't acted in time. He was closer, but the Death Eater had cast his spell first. James knew a moment of triumph when his own summoning charm tugged his friend out of the way of the first curse, which found a target in the brick wall, collapsing the structure almost entirely.

The second killing curse, however, followed Frank as he flew towards James, travelling faster than the summoning charm could pull. "Come on!" James growled impatiently as the green streak gained more and more. It was over in a matter of moments.

Frank came barrelling into James knocking him over as the curse flew over his head, barely missing. The pair of them went tumbling to the ground; Frank on top of James, and James… on top of all the broken glass.

Stabbing pain assaulted his shoulders, his back, his buttocks and the palm of his hand and arm, which he'd foolishly thrown out to stop his fall.

He knew Frank was alive because he was moving around, trying to get up, which only made the situation worse for James, as shards were shifted and pushed further into his flesh. His relief that his friend escaped death was completely overridden by annoyance and pain.

"Get the fuck off me, ya bastard," James groaned, doing his best to shove Frank's weight off him. His attempts were ineffectual but eventually Frank managed it himself and pulled James to his feet with his good hand.

When he and Frank had got themselves off the floor, the two Death Eaters were on the ground, never to move again, Alice standing angrily triumphant over them. When her eyes caught sight of them, both upright and alive, she let out a cry of relief and leapt over the corpses at her feet in her haste to fling herself into her husband's arms.

x

The first thing Sirius had done when he entered the Hogshead was to look around for any possible threats, which was more than could be said for the Headmaster. He floated in as unconcernedly as if he were in his office at the castle, rather than a questionable drinking establishment. Albus smiled delightedly at Aberforth, who glowered back.

"Is the room upstairs free?" he enquired pleasantly.

Aberforth grunted, which, Sirius supposed, his brother conveniently translated as 'yes' and so proceeded on his way.

Sirius watched the whole thing from behind his pint. He didn't want to be seen entering the place with the Headmaster so he had arrived early, to make sure it was (relatively) safe. Not that Sirius could tell who might or might not have been inimical just by looking. They, like he, dressed in large hooded robes and sat quietly.

He finished his drink, and when Aberforth came by to make his rounds and ask if Sirius wanted another he nodded and said quietly, "If a 'marked' man comes in by the name of Atherton, send him upstairs."

The oddly smelling barkeep knew his brother had already ascended the staircase to the private parlour, and therefore knew this must be Order business. He nodded in understanding, grunting a bit as if the whole thing were an inconvenience he'd rather do without.

For all that Aberborth was a member of the Order, he rarely attended meetings or participated in any way Sirius could discern. So despite this being Order business, he still felt it incumbent upon himself to place a few extra sickles on the bar for the favour.

It was another quarter of an hour before the boxer arrived. The pub hushed at the entrance of the muggleborn, made conspicuous by his glowing mark, the only one in the room. Sirius had not worn his.

Aberforth glanced at Sirius who nodded minutely. _Yes, that's the man_. The Headmaster's brother responded in no other way but to ask the new arrival what he was drinking. Upon seeing that Aberforth was actually serving the muggleborn caused some stir. Sirius could hear their muttered comments but no one openly complained or made to run him out. All the same, Sirius drank with his left hand; his right held his wand (concealed in capacious sleeves) at the ready.

He appreciated the barman's subtlety. Being a Dumbledore, Sirius didn't doubt the man had wits, but he was grateful that Aberforth didn't share his brother's dramatic flair. Once people had lost interest in the presence of a muggleborn, the younger Dumbledore (which just sounded ridiculous as they both looked sesquicentennial) discreetly grumbled something to Atherton, who just as discreetly took himself off to the upstairs parlour.

Business completed, Sirius turned to exit when he heard someone call out.

"Oi!" the barkeep barked. Sirius turned around to see whom Aberforth was addressing so abruptly. Sirius himself, it seemed.

"What?" he asked, frowning that the man had called attention to him.

Aberforth squinted at him, considering. "Eh. Never mind."

Sirius squinted back, trying to read the man, but Aberforth was one of the few people who could thwart him in this pursuit. The publican's expression was as inscrutable as it was irascible, or perhaps it was inscrutable _because _it was irascible, his constant scowl as good as a mask in concealing his thoughts and emotions, if the miserable old goat had any emotions, that is. Any other than discontent.

Sirius snorted with amusement, feeling suddenly fond of such a character. Perhaps when he was old and grey he would do the same. He would grumble and complain and be equally gruff with everyone, giving as much trouble as he could.

He quite liked the idea.

Charming himself for warmth, Sirius straddled his motorbike, kicked up the stand then paused. Tucking his hair behind his ear he turned his head to the right, seeing the twinkling lights of Hogwarts castle in the distance.

He'd just decided to leave it and simply go back to London when he heard a crack of apparition nearby. Sirius turned his head immediately to the direction from which the sound had come, and saw a figure he recognised instantly, despite the lack of visibility. What else he realised in that split second was that messy haired auror was not well.

He was off the bike and at his friend's side before even making the conscious decision to dismount. Without the sidecar, the whole bike toppled over, but that was last thing on Sirius' mind.

"Prongs!"

James stiffly lowered his wand, which had been raised defensively out of habit.

"Padfoot," he breathed. "Thank Merlin. Help a bloke back to the castle, eh?"

James turned and started hobbling in that direction.

"What's wrong? Why are you walking oddly? If it hurts I can take you there on the motorbike."

"You would be walking oddly too if you had glass shards in your arse."

Sirius grimaced. "Truly?"

James' return grimace was laced with bitter humour. "Truly. So you'll understand if I decline the ride. I don't think I'll want to sit on _anything_ for a week at least." He hissed in pain at some accidental movement. Still, most of Sirius' alarm had faded. Granted, James would make jokes even if he were on his death bed, but Sirius gathered his injuries weren't life-threatening, merely unpleasant.

"You could stand on the back of the bike. Or..." Sirius grinned. "I could use _mobilicorpus_."

James frowned. "Not falling for that one again. I'll stand, thanks."

Sirius flicked his wand so the bike righted itself and they clambered on, James standing on the two passenger footrests and putting his hands on Sirius' shoulders to steady himself.

"I feel like a tosser, doing this," James grumbled.

"Not half as much as you look it," Sirius pointed out, putting on the choke and starting the engine. He didn't think he'd fly there. It wasn't far to the school, and if James decided to fall off, Sirius would rather it be closer to the ground.

The evening was a cold one, and gave the throttle a few revs before setting off, using the same path the thestral-drawn carriages used.

"My face is fucking freezing!" James shouted over the roar of the engine. The icy night air was hitting him full force.

"Well you should have thought to cast a warming charm before we got going!" Sirius bellowed in response.

"What?" James yelled.

Sirius decided it wasn't worth the breath and simply kept driving.

They parked in front of the steps leading up to the castle's main doors, and James shouted in pain as he dismounted.

"I can't take much more of this," his friend wheezed.

"You won't have to. So what happened?"

"Oh the usual," his friend replied, though his voice was strained. After a moment he added regretfully, "We didn't make any arrests, though."

"They all got away?" That was rather _un_usual, and not a happy development if it proved to be recurring.

"No. _None_ of them got away."

_Oh._ Sirius refrained from commenting that dead Death Eaters might be preferable to ones on the loose. He knew James would rather arrest them, just as Moody did. It didn't matter to Sirius either way.

"Did you lose any aurors?" he asked. If they had resorted to killing all their opponents it must have been a rather desperate fight.

"It was close, Padfoot," said James seriously. "Frank was this close from being AK'ed." There was a thoughtful pause. "So was I, as a matter of fact."

"Best not mention that to the lady," Sirius remarked after having pushed open the door to the Hospital Wing, letting his friend hobble through first.

"Why not?"

"She looks concerned enough as it is."

James, who had been concentrating on the floor the better to focus on the painful process of putting one foot in front of the other, looked up and met the gaze of a suddenly pale looking redhead.

.

x

.

Truth no longer had any worth.

Meaning, certainly, but it was absolutely without value these days.

Severus had come to learn that. What point was the truth if everyone, even those who knew it, blatantly disregarded it? What significance did truth have if no one acknowledged it? Acted on it? Learned from it? Severus watched as his fellow Death Eaters tortured three men into swearing on their families' lives to something they all knew to be false. And why?

An all too pertinent question.

Severus had to admit that this is what he had wanted when he had first agreed to join the Dark Lord's ranks. This power. This control. The ability to manipulate and coerce others with fear.

He'd spent the first 17 years of his life living in fear, even if he had done his best not to show it. He'd wanted to be on the menacing end for once. But he had long since learned that he was taking his revenge on the wrong people, his actions were unfulfilling. Now that he was the object of fear, the tormentor, he had a hard time respecting the quivering craven cowards before him, even though they were behaving exactly as he had wanted them to. At least he had stood up for himself growing up. He'd had some pride.

In the back of his mind, hidden far behind his tenuous Occlumency walls, Severus wanted the men being Crucioed to stand up, to fight back, to refuse to cooperate, to refute the Dark Lord. It wasn't that Severus wanted these men to do something that he himself could not; he didn't desire to defect. He simply wanted these men to act as they ought, not as they feared.

This was Severus' own worthless truth that was hidden away, never to be used or acknowledged. Never to be acted upon. He wanted honour from his enemies. Strength in the average wizard. Lily would have fought back, of that he was certain. Severus was equally certain that he never wanted to witness that. Moreover, he never wanted it to happen, whether he was there to see it or not.

.

When he returned to what passed for his abode in Spinner's End, Severus, as he usually did, went over the clues he'd left for himself as to his interactions with Lily. He couldn't remember any of them, but judging by the collection of assorted hints, he'd met with her rather frequently.

Try as he might, however, he hadn't detected a pattern in the dates. He had no idea how these meetings were ever arranged. Perhaps they weren't arranged at all, and that they'd only happened upon each other by chance. Severus had gathered that more often than not, they'd seen each other at the Hogshead, for that's when chunks of his memory had frequently gone missing. He'd even taken to volunteering for more shifts at the place to act as the Dark Lords ears (as he had earlier that very evening) but he'd seen nothing of her this past fortnight.

He knew he shouldn't hope to encounter her, that the less frequently they met the better, but he'd baffled himself with his latest hint and he simply had no idea of the nature of their last rendezvous and it was driving him mad. Granted, the whole situation was driving him mad. His only consolation was that his occlumency skills were improving day by day, but still they were not up to the task of concealing his arguably treasonous behaviour from his master.

Severus absently let his fingers trace the edge of the book on Herbology she had given him, a book which had suddenly appeared in his collection conveniently near his birthday. A present. The only present he'd received that year. For the last several, for that matter. Or ever, really.

He knew he shouldn't cling to these thoughts, but the deeper and deeper he got into the Death Eaters' ranks, the less willing he seemed to let go of her. Let go of the idea of her, actually. That's all she was to him in reality. An idea. A phantom presence in his mind that he had no memory by which to prove it. Only vague hints.

His clues had to be esoteric enough so that on the off chance anyone else came upon them, they would make no sense.

Apparently this time he'd made this hint too elliptical, even for himself.

Severus knew he'd seen both her and Lupin at the Symposium, he hadn't removed that memory of spotting them across the lecture hall, so why had he bothered to allude to lycanthropy? He also referenced Belby, despite the fact that he perfectly recalled the man's lectures. What could he have meant by them?

Growling at his own cryptic references, Severus slammed the leather-bound volume closed and simply brooded for a time.

The one that stood out to Severus as impossible to misinterpret was the clue that caused him the most concern. He had told her about the muggleborn marks. He'd thought before as he had watched muggleborns being tortured to compliance that Lily would stand up for herself. At the time he'd thought that he would be proud of her. Now, in light of the muggleborn registration, he wasn't so sure. Severus had been carefully keeping an ear and eye out for news or evidence that she'd been arrested, but no such report had reached him. That didn't mean she was safe, however. He hadn't seen or heard from her since before the law went into effect. Despite his more frequent lurking at the Hogshead he'd gathered nothing but that earlier that evening Albus Dumbledore meet with a muggleborn named (Severus learned after a few discreet enquiries) Atherton. He'd learned nothing of Lily. Wouldn't he have heard if she'd been thrown in Azkaban?

Severus snatched his unopened Prophet from that morning and opened it, skimming through its pages. Nothing. She wasn't in their either. In this case, no news was good news. Had she actually gone into hiding? Had she returned to the muggle world to avoid the mark? Was she left dead in a ditch somewhere, unknown and undiscovered?

The not knowing was driving him mad. If he didn't do something fairly stupid now, it would no doubt lead him to do something _astronomically_ imbecilic later.

It was that thought in mind that he put quill to parchment, unsure of what to write but determined that it should be something...

x

"Oh gracious not again," Madam Pomfrey huffed upon seeing James.

He gave her the most charming smile he could conjure at that moment as he replied, "Come now, Poppy; you know you missed me."

"Miss you? Pah! Come, sit yourself on that bed there," the healer directed, pointing to an empty cot.

"No sitting," James declared firmly. At his side, Sirius huffed out a breath in amusement.

"You're dripping," said Lily faintly. It was the first thing she'd said. James had been trying not to look her way but he found himself unable not to now. He blinked at her for a time before realising she was pointing at his feet.

James looked to the ground to see, sure enough, a fair amount of blood was running down from his arm and hand to plop onto the floor.

"Nothing to worry about, Cariad," said Sirius, putting a large hand atop her head. "Just a few cuts."

Rather than soothe her, Lily's eyes widened in renewed (and heart-warming) worry. "What curse was it?" she asked quickly, and James knew she was thinking of _Sectumsempra_.

"No curse," James told her. "Just glass."

"Glass?" she repeated curiously.

"_A lot_ of glass. My back—" He coughed. "Decided to make friends with a broken window and now they are inseparable."

Madame Pomfrey interrupted. "Oh, I doubt that. It's separated easily enough. Go behind that curtain and disrobe. When you're ready call either me or Miss Evans."

"Hmm… decisions decisions," Sirius purred in his ear.

"Oh, shut it," James grumbled, limping over to the bed and drawing the curtains behind him. "If you are just going to stand around laughing at my pain you can consider yourself excused, Padfoot."

"Very well," said his friend. "You'd think I'd be owed a mite of gratitude for taking time out of my schedule to haul your sad carcass to hospital. Instead I get chased away unappreciatively." His voice went gentle as he bade, "Good night, Cariad." He then added slightly louder, "I take no leave of ungrateful wretches!" though his tone was decidedly cheerful. James suspected Sirius enjoyed his plight. Granted, if it were anyone else with glass shards in the backside it would have been nothing short of hilarious. As it was himself, it was a positively rotten thing to have happened and only twisted brutes would laugh at it.

He let out a roar when the robes he was trying to remove snagged on a shard stuck in his shoulder blade. "Lily!" he howled. "Help me out of these thrice-damned clothes." He remembered only _after_ he heard the giggles throughout the wing that other people could hear.

"Be there in a mo!" she called back, then added to the girls in a severe whisper, "Hush. He needs help to be _healed_."

"_That might be worth becoming a healer for_," joked one.

Lily made tsking sounds and a moment later pulled his curtain aside. "Oh dear," she said, surveying him.

"Is it that bad?" he asked, craning his neck in a futile attempt to look.

She made a moue of anxiety. "Well… you've been worse," she said, as if pointing out the bright side.

Many of the shards had already fallen out during the voyage to the Hospital wing and the subsequent removal of his cloak, though the cuts still bled freely. Even after gingerly taking off his (now bloody) shirt, the smaller, sometimes almost invisible, specks of glass remained imbedded in the flesh. He felt them shift under his skin if he moved so much as an inch.

"Trousers off too. I want to remove all the smaller pieces all at once. One spell," she said.

He hissed through clenched teeth when he attempted to pull them off. "This is so unpleasant," he remarked to the ceiling.

"I can imagine," she said, frowning at his derriere. "You have quite a bit of blood on your pants."

"I'm not surprised." James shivered. Not only barefoot on the cold floor but now fully nude as well, it was uncomfortably chilly. He lay down on his stomach, lessening the chill by half, at least.

"Brace yourself. This might hurt a bit," Lily warned.

"Just get it over and done with."

It wasn't as bad as he imagined it would have been, just slight prickling stings on his back, buttocks and arm and then it was over. He sighed in relief. The wounds still stung, but it was a duller discomfort now. She'd collected all the glass that had fallen from him in a medium size dish (which reminded James suspiciously of a bed pan) and showed it to him.

"That all came out of you," she said, holding out bloody shards and specks for him to see.

"I'll put it in my scrapbook," he replied sarcastically.

She ignored this. "Wait a moment. Let me ask Madame Pomfrey how much dittany she will let me use on you. We got a new shipment in from Crete just yesterday. Horribly expensive."

"Can I get a blanket in the meantime?"

"Modesty, Potter?" Lily asked in amusement.

"_Cold_, Evans," he corrected, slightly _less_ amused.

Smiling, she slipped out from behind the curtain, careful that no eyes, should they be prying, could glimpse his state of undress. A moment later a blanket flew over the curtains, spread out fully, and descended, covering him completely. Quite impressive charmwork, but then hers always was.

She returned several minutes later, looking slightly nervous. "It's not much," she said, indicating the small container. "Certainly not enough to get them all. I'm afraid you'll have to choose."

"Can't you just use that spell from before to get rid of them?"

"I've told you, James. That charm only works on magically caused scars—even then it's only good so long as the curse wasn't too dark. These weren't magically inflicted."

"Hmph."

"Hold out your arm while you make up your mind, I'll heal that first since it's by far the worst. I'd say it's almost five inches long."

"You're babbling."

"So I am. I do that with the other patients. Do you want to use the dittany on it?"

"No," he replied, holding out his arm. He knew where he'd use that small amount of dittany. There was nothing worse than a scabby bottom.

He snorted in amusement at how awkward things would soon become when he told her just where she'd have to rub in that ointment…

.

James awoke confused, as he didn't remember having gone to sleep. It was very dark and still, only the sound of gentle breathing of the Hospital Wing's sleeping occupants and the wind blowing outside broke the silence. How long had he been asleep? The last thing he remembered Lily had been tending to his back.

He reached out a hand to pluck his spectacles off the bedside table and place them on his face before sitting up.

Judging by the lack of pain involved in that particular activity James deduced Lily's healing had been effective. He also noted with some surprise that he was now dressed (wearing pyjamas from his own quarters, no less.) He knew who to thank for that. Reaching under his pillow he found his wand, stood, and slid it into his waistband. The only other items of his around where his shoes, duel belt, and cloak (one different than the one he'd been wearing.) Presumably his other things had been taken away for laundering and repair.

James pushed the curtain aside and stepped out into the wide aisle separating the two rows of beds on either wall of the Hospital Wing. Turning around, James saw that Lily lay sleeping on her little pallet on the floor, just as he expected.

He tiptoed over, kneeling down by her side.

"_Lily_."

She woke at once, even though his whisper had been barely audible.

"_You alright?_" she asked, concern having blighted any evidence that she'd been sound asleep only a moment before.

"_Fine, fine. I'm fine_," he whispered back, repeating himself stupidly in reassurance. "_I just… I fell asleep._"

One brow lifted mockingly. "You woke me in the wee hours of the morning to tell me that you..." The other brow lifted to match the first. "_Fell asleep_…"

"I missed our midnight session. Your research."

She smiled indulgently at him. "Don't worry, I'd noticed."

"You could have woken me."

"And get a ferocious tongue lashing by Madame Pomfrey for disturbing the rest of the poor injured auror? No thank you."

James snorted at the mental image before making the suggestion, "We could go now."

"I went ahead and told Poppy I'd be on call for the rest of the night."

"Oh. Well… thanks for… well, patching me up… again. I guess. You didn't have to." James cursed himself for having the eloquence of a third year.

Lily smiled, but it was a sombre sort of smile. "I will always help you, no matter… no matter what our situation might be. You can always count on me; I want you to know that."

James frowned. That sounded a lot like, well, a kind offer of her help even if they never got back together again. Which was lovely except the 'never getting back together' bit. Rather than bring _that _up, he merely said, "Likewise."

She sighed and gave his hand a squeeze before releasing it again clasping her own hands together and hiding them in her lap. It was an awkward, clumsy sort of movement that didn't suit her at all. Strange, considering she'd massaged salve in very intimate places not just a few hours before without the slightest hint of embarrassment.

"Do I make you nervous, Evans?" he asked, smirking.

"Sometimes," she answered with disarming (and uncharacteristic) honesty. She raised her gaze from her clasped hands and looked at him. "When Sirius brings you bloody and limping into the Hospital Wing, for example."

"I just fell on some glass…"

"Managed to dodge all of those curses but was bested by gravity in the end?" she quipped.

James let out a gusty sigh. Might as well tell her, despite what Sirius had said. He needed to talk about it in any case. "It was a near thing. The dodging, I mean. Both Frank and I nearly got ourselves AK'ed tonight. Multiple times."

She inhaled sharply but didn't say anything.

"It was a raid. We'd had it on somewhat dodgy intelligence about the hideout so Frank, Al, Moody and I went. Got a patronus from Dumbledore just after my last class."

Lily nodded. "I noticed you weren't at dinner."

"Moody wanted it kept to just the Order members in the aurory."

"Then what about Fabian?"

"He er… well he hasn't been doing so well since Gideon's death. He's been partnered with Agatha and she says he's bit… well he hasn't been doing his best work."

"I can understand that," she said sadly.

For all that Lily claimed to sympathise (and James didn't doubt she did) Lily had been far more productive following Rupert Ferris' death. Fabian, well, James didn't think that Fabian would _ever_ really recover.

"Well, the four of us went to the house we'd been told about. There were five Death Eaters there. We didn't get the element of surprise we'd been banking on. We'd tripped a ward we hadn't noticed. They were ready for us the moment we arrived."

"Did they know you were coming? Did they expect you?"

"You mean did our informant double-cross us? Dunno. Don't think so but it's possible I suppose. I'll have to go back to London after classes anyway. I'll find out then what Moody thinks."

"Go on. You arrived, they were waiting," she prompted.

"Well… we were outnumbered and they were aiming to kill so…" James rumpled his hair in frustration. "Damnit, we didn't have much choice. We tried at first to stun them, but they kept reenervating one another. I tried some heavier spells, even your what-you-call-it spell, bowling ball hex, because it doesn't have a cure and can incapacitate someone for a time.

"Moody kept firing hexes so quickly that his opponent could do nothing but defend. Which worked for a time but Frank, Al, and I were busy with our own duels, and they had one more than we did so when two of them decided to gang up on Mad-Eye…" He started getting agitated, breathing faster and cracking his knuckles. "There were so many killing curses flying around there wasn't anything we could do. So I took out Moody's second man."

"You… you killed him?"

"I didn't have a choice!" he snapped defensively. "They would've got Moody if I hadn't. Everything they threw at us was a fatal curse, the Unforgivable itself more often than not!"

"Shh… I know," she said softly. She reached out to stroke his hair. He closed his eyes after a moment and let his head be guided to her lap. She continued combing. James felt the tension being siphoned away. He knew telling her was a good idea.

"But what about your own duel?" she asked calmly.

James felt he'd rather nap than keep talking, but he couldn't stop his story there. "I nearly got clipped by an AK myself then," he said. "Missed by a hair and broke the window behind me. That's where all the glass came from." It was silent for a time before he finally admitted, "None of the Death Eaters survived."

Her hand in his hair stopped for a split second before continuing. A moment later it slowed and stopped again, as if seized by some other thought that paralyzed her. She seemed to have stopped breathing as well. Her leg muscles pillowing his head tightened in alarm. He could feel the fear in her body, a question she wouldn't ask.

Closing his eyes tighter, he took two big calming breaths and assuaged her by answering it all the same. "He wasn't among them."

James ignored the stab he felt upon hearing her sigh of relief (which she had unsuccessfully tried to hide) and was glad he couldn't see her expression.

She didn't seem to know what to do after that. Her fingers were still in his hair but she didn't move them. He could sense that she meant to say something, but stopped herself before she actually spoke.

He couldn't stand it anymore and sat up, removing his spectacles to rub the bridge of his nose and brow.

"_I'm sorry_," she whispered, sounding just about as pained as he was.

He didn't know what perverse impulse prompted him to ask, "For what?" because he knew bloody well to what she referred.

"Everything."

"There's a comprehensive apology," he noted acerbically.

"I'm sorry that my caring for him hurts you," she revised, but he wished she hadn't.

She didn't regret caring for Snape, she only regretted that James didn't like it. _Ouch._

"Tell me what to do," she said quietly. "I've been telling you the truth but honesty only seems to make things worse."

She sounded desperate, and James confessed that he fervently wished that he had some answer to give her.

"I don't know," he admitted, dropping his hands to his lap and hanging his head. He felt Lily lean her head against his shoulder and he did nothing to push her away.

"Is this always how it's always going to be?" she asked tremulously. James pondered the question. Would Snape always come between them like this? It had been slightly easier to bear when they had actually been together, but it still put a strain in things, as it did now. James recalled the day she got her mark, how he had wanted to end things with her (though they had already) when she told him she'd had dinner with Snape.

No. He couldn't share her with a Death Eater.

"I think so," he answered finally.

"There's nothing I can do?"

"Forget him," he snarled. She moved her head from off his shoulder and put distance between them.

"I could no sooner forget him than I could you."

"So we are on the same level, he and I?" he asked bitterly.

"No," she replied sadly. "And it would be so much easier if you could see that."

"Hard to when you assure me that despite us never getting back together that you will still patch me up. I mean, how am I supposed to take that when I know you'd do as much for anyone else? You'd heal anyone. How am I supposed to believe that I'm any different from them?"

Lily buried her hands in her hair. "You make me sound like a _whore_," she whispered.

James blinked in confusion. _That_ certainly hadn't been his point, and he wondered how on earth she could arrived at it. "What?"

"_How can you say that?_" she hissed, indignation and humiliation equally evident.

"Say _what_?" She was taking everything the wrong way.

"You know bloody well how you are different from everyone else," she snapped. Unless the moonlight was playing tricks with his eyes, James thought he caught her cheeks flush.

"You'll have to explain; I don't understand." This wasn't exactly true, but he wanted her to say it.

"You do so."

"Do not," he replied maturely.

She snorted. "Unlike _some_ people…" Her direct glare at him made it clear who was included in that group. "_I_ only had _one_ lover."

James frowned. "Note the past tense. If we're no longer lovers then there's nothing that distinguishes me from anyone else." He was going to make her admit to still loving him whether she wanted to or not. He needed to hear it.

"Idiot."

"That's not very nice."

"That's what you are, if you honestly believe that rubbish."

"Why can't you just say it?"

"Why are you trying to make me?" she countered.

"Because!"

Lily winced at his sudden volume and looked around to make sure no one had woken up.

"_Because_," he continued at a whisper. "Your word is the only thing I've got now to show me that I'm not on the same level as _him_," he admitted sourly.

"You're not," she assured, reaching over and squeezing his hand. "Not with _anyone_."

Silence reigned for a long time. A _long_ time, though she never let go of his hand.

"You didn't finish your story," she said softly. "About the raid."

He sighed. Better to talk about this than Snape, James reasoned. He swallowed, licked his lips, went right back into it. "Frank nearly got hit by two at once, and Alice went on a bit of a rampage after that. Well, not a rampage, but she certainly cleaned house."

"Sounds like you all did."

"I didn't use the killing curse," he said hastily. For some reason it seemed important that she knew this. "It was a slicing hex. Well aimed. Or luckily aimed, I guess. Got him across the throat." Just like the curse that had nearly killed Sirius a few weeks before. "It was… messy." It would have been kinder to use Avada Kedavra but the thought of using that unforgivable green light made James increasingly nauseous each time he contemplated it. He hadn't admitted this to any of his fellow aurors, lest they think him weak. Perhaps they felt that way too, but if they did, they weren't saying anything either, so he'd kept quiet about it.

She placed her head on his shoulder. "You all right?" she asked softly, giving his hand another squeeze.

He leaned his head onto hers and let his thumb make circles on the back of her hand, soaking up reassurance through touch. "Yeah."

They didn't speak after that. Not about killing. Not about nearly being killed. And not about Severus Snape.

x

Sirius had agreed to lunch with Euphemius for a reason. He didn't know what that reason was, but he was sure there must have been one, otherwise he wouldn't have gone. It could simply have been that he had reluctantly grown to enjoy the older man's odd company, but he doubted it. In any case, Euphemius enjoyed talking and Sirius, well he didn't always enjoy listening but he knew that he needed to keep an ear out. Euphemius was usually up to date with most of the news, and was therefore somewhat useful. However, Sirius didn't learn anything of importance until the end of their little meeting.

Euphemius was just dabbing at the corner of his mouth with his napkin. "I hope Sirius old boy that you aren't upset at losing your mudblood."

Sirius' blood froze in his veins but somehow he managed to remark coolly, "Did I? I wasn't aware I had a mudblood to lose."

"You haven't heard then? I thought you would have. But then again you don't—"

"If you don't get to the point, Euphemius, I will simply leave, with you to settle the bill. You know how this shilly-shallying of yours bores me."

"Black, you have no patience at all. I was just about to say it."

"Then do it," said Sirius warningly.

"That mudblood you liked was killed this morning. Don't let it get your nose out of joint though."

"I still haven't a clue as to about whom you are speaking."

"You know, your fighter! The one that won you all that gold night before last."

"What happened to him?"

"Dunno really. Just that he was found dead in the print room of the Prophet this morning."

"Accident?"

"Oh, I doubt it."

"_Damnit_," Sirius hissed. Word travelled fast, apparently. Sirius didn't doubt Atherton's death was a direct (and swift) result of his meeting with Dumbledore. Either the boxer had confided in the wrong person, or the wrong person had been in the Hogshead last night.

"You _are_ upset!" Euphemius said, brows raised in surprise.

"Of course I am! They've completely put me out," Sirius complained, throwing on his cloak, ready to storm out the door. "For who's going to teach me boxing now?"

x

Lily was sitting next to Colum Davies as she buttered a scone. Despite it being breakfast time on a weekday, not many students yet populated the House tables when the mail arrived. To Lily's surprise, two owls swooped down towards her. One simply dropped its letter on her plate and flew off again, the other landed on the table and had to wait for Lily to untie the missive from its leg. The moment the letter was detached the bird took off again, not even stealing a bit of bacon for its pains.

Lily shrugged and scanned both with her wand, making sure they were both clear of hexes, before opening the first. She was scanning the letter interestedly when she heard a familiar voice call her name.

"Hey Evans…" James sounded distracted. Indeed, when she managed to tear her eyes away from her own letter she saw that his were still glued to the page of the Prophet. As she and Davies weren't seated far from the Head Table she didn't really have to raise her voice too much to reply.

"What?" she asked, looking back down at her own mail, trying to finish the letter in her hand.

"Come, read this."

Distractedly, she shoved the other letter into her pocket as she rose to go to him, just as he stood from his seat at the Head Table to move to her. They ended up meeting halfway.

"Bunsen's dead," said James with a quizzical frown.

"What?" Lily asked, thoroughly perplexed. The letter she had in her hand was from Bunsen. Or at least, she _thought_ it had been up until James' pronouncement.

"Died two days ago. His body found was found under the Dark Mark. They suspect he refused to join the Dark Lord…"

"I just got _this_ letter this morning, dated yesterday," she said, shoving the piece of parchment at his chest and snatching the periodical out of his hands.

They took a moment to scan what the other had already read.

"_Damnit,_" they swore at the same time.

James rumpled his hair in exasperation and Lily covered her eyes, as if to block everything out.

"He must have been working with someone else," he said, voicing the same conclusion she herself had reached. "Someone who is still alive and capable of brewing it."

"But who?" Lily pressed. If Bunsen had a partner that meant that illicit potions dealing could still continue.

"Haven't a clue. I don't know who his associates are at the Ministry, though I suppose we could find that out easily enough. Though it might be another party altogether. Someone not associated with the Ministry at all. There is no telling."

"_Damnitall_," she cursed. Not only did this ruin the investigation, but she had a contract with Bunsen. "There goes my income," she lamented, pitiful a pittance though it had been. If Bunsen hadn't finalised the patent for the Salve of Prometheus (which surely he didn't) then someone else now had access to her work, and could (and meant to) distribute it and she wouldn't see a knut of the profits. A selfish concern, yes, but her pride as a potioneer was insulted. Her work could be snatched away now, but some unknown brewer. This thought annoyed her more than the man's death had done. Did that make her a bad person?

James broke into her thoughts again by saying, "In any case, we are back to square one, except this time we have absolutely no leads. Face it. If Bunsen did have a partner we have no way of finding him."

He handed her back the letter and stomped off.

"_Or her…_" she added bitterly. No reason why the mystery brewer couldn't be a witch.

Lily wanted to hit something, curse something, but as the only targets around were fellow students and teachers, she overcame the urge and stormed out of the Hall too.

.

It wasn't until she was undressing that evening that she remembered the _other_ letter she'd received. She'd been so focussed on her previous disappointment that she'd forgotten all about it. She now looked it over. No name, neither hers nor the sender's.

_**Are you hidden? Are you safe? Reply soonest.**_

Lily blinked at the letter a few times as a smile slowly started to tug at the corners of her mouth. He was worried about her? Lily was touched.

After a moment's consideration she began putting back on the clothes she'd just taken off.

Of course he might not be there, and in that case she would return to her rooms and write a response. But how often had she run into him there before? Numerous times. It was worth a shot, and despite the strain it put on her relationship with James, Lily couldn't resist the opportunity of seeing and speaking to Severus.

It was times like those that Lily wished she still had access to the Invisibility Cloak. It was past curfew but still early enough that staff might still be out and about, not to mention the faculty members whose turn it was to patrol that evening. Next time, she told herself, she would just fly directly from her bedroom window rather than go through all the trouble of dodging across corridors, and darting through passages.

Lily had been planning on turning in early, catch up on her sleep as she didn't have brewing with Horace, healing with Poppy, or scheduled research with James that night. As she crept down the corridor to the nearest secret passage she was glad her plans had been upturned. She nervously skittered to Hogsmeade, not that she thought James would actually be using that passage just then, but her horrible guilty conscience plagued her with scenarios of running into him while she was on her way to see Severus.

Nothing had been resolved the previous night in the Hospital Wing. James had just admitted that her friendship with Severus would always be a problem. But not, Lily hoped, a deal-breaker. Perhaps, once she was out of school and had sorted out everything else, they could simply agree to disagree about Severus. That was the best she imagined they would ever do. Lily couldn't expect James to accept Severus.

She could only hope that James could accept _her_, despite it.

What if he didn't? Couldn't? What if he made her choose?

Lily knew what her choice would be but she would forever hate herself for abandoning Severus. Knowing that she was constantly hurting James, however, would cause her to hate herself anyway.

Lily sighed, stopping for a moment to lean against the stone wall of the secret passage. She didn't have her wand lit but if she did she was certain she would be able to see her warm breath turn to fog in the cold air.

"Feck," she breathed into the darkness, and pushed off the wall before continuing to walk towards the village. Each step she took she asked herself if it was more betrayal.

She'd just emerged from the secret passage and rounded the corner of the Hogshead when she realised she couldn't go in. Despite having her hair completely concealed, there was no hiding the Muggleborn mark; it would glow through anything she put over it to try and cloak it. Wrinkling her nose in displeasure with the whole thing, she pushed the door open and popped her head in, being extremely careful to keep her arm out of line of vision.

She couldn't clearly see the table at the back by the fireplace that was Severus' usual place, only that there was someone seated there. No telling who.

Lily withdrew. "Well now what?" she asked herself, frustrated. Looking around she spied a dustbin and removed that morning's Daily Prophet which lay on top of the heap of rubbish, the very same edition publicising Bunsen's death. She tore off page one and spread it out across her open left palm and tapped it with her wand. The page began to fold in upon itself until it took the shape of a bird. Another tap and it was flapping its folded paper wings and floating into the air.

She pushed the door open once again and whispered to the crane, "Bring him to me."

.

x

.

"What do we do for Agatha, though?"

"What? There's nothing we can do, Al."

"But she can't keep covering for Fabian like this. She's doing two people's jobs, it's wearing her out."

"Well she could tell Moody, but she's not. Clearly, it's not that big of a deal," replied her husband with a shrug before taking another bite of steak and kidney pie.

"Frank," said his wife with an exasperated sigh. "She's not going to tell Moody. She's already on thin ice."

"Her own fault for obliviating a _witness_ in a case. _You'd_ never do that."

"She was covering for James."

"She was attacking Lily. It was unprofessional and Agatha knows that. She's lucky to still have her job."

"A job she can barely do properly because she has to babysit Fabian. Can't you just talk to him, convince him to take time off? He's... he's a hazard!"

Frank Longbottom scowled. "Don't talk about him that way. He's just lost his brother."

Alice Longbottom's voice softened. "I know. That's why he should take a leave of absence."

"Even if the aurory _could_ spare him, the job is the only thing keeping him going. We can't take that away from him." There was a pause before he continued. "Can we please not talk about work?" he snapped.

_No_, thought Severus. _Talk about work_. He wanted something useful to take back to the Dark Lord.

"Ab, another?" Longbottom lifted his empty glass to the bartender, who nodded. The male auror looked as his wife and sighed. "Sorry."

She shook her head. "It's alright." Then she forced a smile. "How's James? He was looking pretty rough last night."

Severus' lip curled in disgust just hearing the name.

"Got an owl this afternoon. He's fine. Said he's going to make a memorial stained glass window with all the shards pulled out of his back."

"Did you thank him for saving you?" asked the female auror.

"Erm... no?"

"Hmph." She applied herself to her meal in such a way that made it perfectly clear her opinion of her husband's manners.

The couple was too distracted to notice the small paper crane float past them, flapping its ineffectual wings in pretence that it was its own ability of flight, rather than a hovering charm, keeping it in the air.

The little bird made its way directly to him and simply waited there for a moment before turning round and fluttering off again. Silently, Severus growled to himself. Go after the bird which clearly wanted him to follow it, or stay there and eavesdrop on the two Order members as the Dark Lord wished him to?

Suspecting he knew who had sent the paper crane, Severus quickly and quietly placed some silver on the table before exiting the pub in the same manner. Looking from left to right, he tried to regain sight of his flighty escort. He found it again, slowly making its way to the forbidden forest. Holding his wand tightly in preparedness for anything, should this be some sort of trap, he followed.

Cautiously he approached the wood line, looking for any sign of hostility.

A footfall.

A hesitation.

Severus extended his wand, pointing it in the direction of the sound.

Another footfall. And another.

The figure which appeared among trees wasn't one he had expected, friendly or inimical.

It was a deer, staring intently at him, retreating steadily back deeper into the forest again. He was frowning in bemusement at the creature's abnormal behaviour when he heard the faint pop of a very adept apparition, followed by familiar hated voices hail one another. He spun round. It was an ambush after all.

Except neither seemed aware that Severus was there…

_Perfect_.

Black and Potter stood near the entrance of the village. Carefully, Severus aimed his wand at them. The times he'd seen them in the Hogshead he'd been prevented from attacking them because it would call attention to himself, and his job had been to observe only. _Now_ however, he was completely concealed and anonymous. They would both be down before they even realised someone was there.

"_Don't!"_

Thin arms wrapped around him from behind and clung. For a brief moment Severus froze in fear at having been sneaked up on. He was about to counter-attack before he realised whose voice that whisper had been, and whose arms were currently holding him. So she wasn't dead or in Azkaban. He sighed.

"_Please don't_," she repeated.

Severus swallowed and clenched his fist. Echoes of his enemies' conversation floated back to him.

"How's the arse, Prongs?"

"Glass free and beautiful as ever. Kind of you to enquire."

"_Lower your wand, Severus._"

Severus didn't. Couldn't. _"_Did you know they were going to meet the Longbottoms? Is that why you lured me out here?" he snarled, cursing the missed opportunity. Now there were four Order members there and he wouldn't hear a word of their discussion. If the Dark Lord found out he'd abandoned his post and missed out on potentially important information, his displeasure would be intensely painful.

"I didn't know any of them would be there," she insisted. "I just hoped _you_ were. I got your owl."

After a few deep breaths Severus lowered his wand. Lily sighed and let go of him, stepping back. Bizarrely, Severus wondered what she would do if he raised it again, if she would fling herself around him once more. He was tempted to go through with the experiment but bested the foolish impulse.

He turned and sought her face. The moon was waxing, nearly full, and though the trees had lost their leaves not much light penetrated through the boughs. He could see her face, of course, pale as it was, and her hair. Severus took in something circling her arm that almost glowed, unaware he was staring.

"That's right," she said coldly. "Now we're _both_ marked."

How was it that anything the girl ever said made him feel lanced? Only a handful of words and she had left him feeling naked, chest constricted and mind discomposed.

What did she mean? Well, the locution was plain enough, now they both had marks. But her tone, having been whispered so low, had been indecipherable. Was she pointing out a simple fact? Was she berating him for his mark? Was it a plea for help with hers?

Severus simply didn't know and it was driving him mad.

_You shouldn't even be thinking about it at all_, he scolded himself. _It doesn't matter what she thinks of you._

But he knew that wasn't true.

"I have a question for you," she stated after a time. Severus shook himself.

"Hmm?"

"Do you know a Ministry man named Bunsen? Worked in potion patenting? He was erm... murdered a few days ago."

Severus crossed his arms defensively over his chest. "Knew _of_ him." _Watched him being tortured and killed._

"He was found under the Dark Mark. Do you know any details about his death?" she asked suggestively. His scowl intensified. Was she accusing him?

"I might," he bit out.

"Because I know he was illegally selling potions, but even after his death his business seems to be carrying on. I haven't been able to think of anything else all day. Do you know anything about his partner? He must have one, but I haven't the slightest idea as to who it might be. I don't suppose it might be one of yours?"

How had she known of Bunsen's illicit business? And more importantly, what made her think it was still running?

"A partner, you say? No, hadn't known about _that_," he said musingly. It certainly wasn't a Death Eater. _He_ was the Dark Lord's only Potion's Master. "How does this concern _you?"_

_ "_Well, several weeks ago a student was going around Hogwarts polyjuiced. As me, oddly enough. Of course, few people have the resources for that kind of brewing, and we found out she'd bought it from an anonymous outside source. Bunsen was already doing the patents for my potions and he was the first person I thought of, it was a long-shot but I turned out to be right."

"How do you know it was he?" Severus knew of Bunsen's illicit business, but not of any partner. He was curious to know how Lily had come to find that out, and what else she knew that he didn't.

"It's a long story." Seeing his displeased expression she added, "I'll tell you, but this is hardly the place."

Severus saw her shiver in the cold night air and nodded. Severus held out his arm and she immediately moved into it. Clasping her tightly around her shoulders, he spun them away.

x

Peter started awake at the jab he received in the ribs.

"Huh?"

"Look alive, Wormtail," his friend admonished.

Peter rubbed his eyes sleepily. "Wot I miss?"

"Nothing yet but you will if you kip throughout the whole watch."

"Come off it, Moony. Noffin's goin' on," Peter complained. They'd been crouching outside the same building for the past four hours and absolutely nothing had happened. "You sure we're even at the right place?"

Remus didn't bother to answer the question, only turned back to the house they were supposed to be observing. Peter rolled his eyes before closing them again. This was a waste of time. By the angry snort he heard, he gathered that Remus had noticed Peter had returned to his nap, but didn't bother trying to wake him again.

He must have dozed off in earnest, for the next thing he knew it was full dark and he was being kicked awake by a daintily booted foot.

"Budge up, lumpy!"

While Remus and Dorcus exchanged pleasantries, Peter sat up, patted down his hair and straightened out his roes, brushing off bits of dirt and trying to look presentable.

"Allo Dorcus," he said as charmingly as he could. "You're looking resplendent this evening."

She snorted and rolled her eyes. "Same to you, Sleeping Beauty," she quipped.

"Where's Dedalus?" Remus asked. "Isn't he supposed to be with you?"

"He'll be here in a mo, no doubt. You two can pop off."

Before Peter could say something chivalrous his friend said with a tired sigh, "No, of course we can't leave you on your own." Through a yawn, he added, "We'll wait with you."

It seemed to him that Remus wasn't trying as hard as usual. Since their school days they had all four of them competed for Dorcus, but no one had ever got her, as far as he knew. James had lost interest for obvious reasons a while ago, but Sirius and Remus didn't seem as into the game as they once had been either. They flirted with her more out of habit than anything, Peter guessed. It made the game less fun.

"I'll stay," offered Peter. I slept the whole time anyway. You go on, mate, and get some sleep."

Remus nodded gratefully. "Cheers, Wormtail. I'll see you later." He added with another inclination of his head, "Dorcus," as his final leave taking.

Although he thought he had earned a few points with Meadowes for being thoughtful, Peter hadn't even been waiting ten minutes before Dedalus Diggle turned up, hardly enough time to accomplish anything.

"I guess that means I'm off then," said he. "Later Digs. Dorcus, always a pleasure."

When he apparated to Sirius' London flat, the owner wasn't there, but that was hardly surprising. Peter expected Remus to be already passed out on the couch. This close to the full moon, he tended to be in a state of constant exhaustion. Looking around, however, it was obvious that Moony wasn't there.

Peter began to speculate where Remus was crashing that night, and whether or not that had anything to do with his recent disinterest in Dorcus.

x

Severus still had trouble acting normally. Indeed, he didn't know what 'normally' was, as he couldn't actually _remember_ any of their previous interactions. It was still odd for him, talking directly to her when his last real memory of a full conversation had been a blazing row years ago over her parents' deaths and him being a Death Eater.

She was clearly not so troubled now, and talked as easily to him as she would a friend.

_Friend._ Perhaps that's what he _was_ to her.

Severus regretted not being able to recall anything, and was tempted for a moment to use Legilimency on her so he could see what had passed between them, what he was missing. To do so, however, would no doubt make her furious.

Lily continued speaking from the kitchen as she made tea and brought it out, as she had obviously done before. So this was not her first time in his home. Well, she'd been there before as a child, but she knew precisely where the tea was kept, and knew the quirk of his kettle without having to ask.

.

"And _that_ made me think of perhaps Nepenthe," she continued. By this time the tea had long since been served and drunk. The topic of conversation had, awkwardly enough, changed to the lack of memories, not his thankfully, but one of the students whom she minded in the Hospital Wing. "But it couldn't account for the _permanent_ memory loss. You of course know that Nepenthe only lasts for a few hours. Perhaps it was improperly brewed…" Here, she stopped and grew very pensive and quiet. "I can see how some people would be addicted to it, either way."

"Indeed," he replied, for lack of anything better. The potion Nepenthe, named for the plant of its main ingredient, caused memory loss of a very specific kind. It was, in its way, the reverse effect of a Dementor. Instead of robbing one of all pleasant memories, it instead removed those of sorrow or trouble, leaving the drinker in a very pleasurable state of mind.

Severus didn't want to confess sympathy for her, nor that he'd made and tried it in his school days. While the draught itself didn't cause addiction, the results certainly did. An emotional dependence was even more difficult to break than a physical one.

Still, she looked so forlorn and alone, far away in her own sad thoughts. He wished he might console her some way. After debating for a time, he dared to touch her, just a hand on her shoulder. He had no idea if they had touched before, or if this would be a new and unwelcome development. But she sighed and laid her head on his shoulder, quite freely. Again, this must not have been a first for her, though it felt like it to him.

It was unsettling, and Severus couldn't make himself relax his posture. He sat there as stiffly as if petrified.

She didn't seem to notice.

In fact, it stood to reason that he _always_ reacted this way and she simply came to accept that as his normal reaction. Stubborn creature, she didn't let his obvious discomfort stop her.

Thankfully.

It wasn't until much later, when she brought up her head up quite suddenly and asked in a nervous voice, "How long have I been asleep?" that Severus knew she'd dozed off. He'd been lost in his own thoughts.

He craned around to eye the wall clock.

"It's nearly midnight if that will answer your question."

"_Cachi,_" she hissed (swearing in Welsh, no doubt.) Hastily donning her cloak, she asked, "Can you take me back to Hogsmead?"

Severus replied in the affirmative, wondering how he would be able to write clues about all the information he'd learned about Bunsen and Belby (How had he not drawn the conclusion that he was working on a cure for Lycanthropy!) It would take a lot of careful planning. But there would be no way for him to recall the way she slept trustingly on his shoulder, the way she used her cup of tea more as a hand warmer than a beverage as she spoke at length (and with enthusiasm) about different aspects of Potionry, or the way she would have to put it down when she wanted to gesticulate with both hands without spilling. He wouldn't be able to note the expression of her face, the way she smiled earnestly at him.

No one smiled earnestly at him.

It was an image he selfishly wished to keep.

x

Fatigued from the long shift and the upcoming full moon, Remus managed to put one heavy foot in front of the other down the passage from the village to Hogwarts castle, and through the empty corridors to the Head Girl's room.

She wasn't there.

Remus concluded she must be brewing or in the Hospital Wing. Sure that she would be finished soon enough, he decided to wait for her.

He was asleep in front of the fire within a minute of sitting down.

.

"Remus?" The hand which petted the back of his head was as soft as her tone. He was so comfortable that he didn't want to move. "Are you alright?"

He hummed in response, still refusing to open his eyes.

"Remus?" she repeated, sounding worried. "What's wrong? Are you hurt? Remus, for pity's sake, answer me, please!"

"M'alright," he said, pushing himself up into a sitting position. "Just knackered."

Lily let out a sigh of relief, rubbing her forehead as if it ached. "I'm prone to assume the worst these days," she confessed, sounding as tired as Remus felt. He covered a massive yawn with his hand as she continued. "So… why _are_ you here then? I'm pleased to have you, naturally," she hastily assured him. "Just curious."

Remus blinked at her for a moment. "You know… I don't remember." He'd had a reason, surely?

"Well if you can't remember is must not have been terribly pressing," said Lily, taking a seat next to him. "Which is a relief. I'm too tired to listen to anything important."

Just then the portrait hole swung open and both James and Sirius swiftly entered.

"Moony," said James, looking surprised. "Glad you're here. This is important."

Beside him Lily groaned quietly, burying her face in his back. Remus patted her knee consolingly. "What is it, Prongs?"

James took a seat in the armchair next to them, while Sirius remained standing, propping himself up against the bookcase…

"Neither of you," James began, pointing both at him and Lily. "Can be seen out at night alone. New law."

"A curfew?" Remus asked, frowning.

Lily sat up straight. "Since when?" she demanded, indignant.

"Must have been today," James answered. "It's now law that all…" Here he hesitated, embarrassed. "All muggleborns, as well as others…" here he glanced meaningfully at Remus, "are not allowed out unaccompanied at night."

"Surely they can't do that, can they?" This question Lily directed at Sirius, who she assumed knew the most about magical government.

"Oh, with these 'dark times' and all, we've been declared to be in a 'state of emergency'. Laws can be made and rules enforced without the usual checks and balances," Sirius explained, dark eyes glittering.

"But, what… what about our rights? They can't say _only_ muggleborns aren't allowed out by themselves. That's just ridiculous!"

Sirius bared his teeth in what was meant to be an ironic smile. "It's for your own safety, Cariad. To keep you out of harm's way, they'll claim."

"Safety? Bah! Just gives them another way to arrest muggleborns, that's what it is."

"I know," said James sympathetically. "I know; it's utter rot but the fact remains is that if you're caught…"

For a time no one spoke, James simply stared pleadingly at her. He swallowed hard; it seemed louder that it actually was because it was the only movement or sound in the room apart from the fire.

It was Sirius who broke the silence. "You _can_ go out after curfew _if_ you are accompanied by a pureblood, however."

"I bet they take down the names of anyone that deigned," Lily scoffed. "Trying to sniff out the 'blood-traitors' while they're at it."

"Something like that," Sirius agreed, straightening his arm-band fastidiously. Then, looking up suddenly at Lily, he said eagerly, "Shall we go out and put it to the test, Cariad?"

"No," James said firmly.

"Indeed not," Remus insisted, though Lily still grinned mischievously at Sirius. "We can't put Sirius and James under any more scrutiny than they already are," he told her. "We'll just have to… abide by the new rule." Even as he said it Remus imagined all the drinking nights he'd miss out on in the future. Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs would go out for a pub crawl and he would have to stay at home. Perhaps he and Lily could keep each other company. Fellow untouchables. Comrades in pariahdom.

Lily sighed in defeat and collapsed against the backrest. "How did you even learn about it? I hadn't heard a thing, or seen it in the papers."

James cleared his throat. "We were stopped in the village just now."

x

Lily gasped quietly; she'd just come from there; what if she'd been caught? Why didn't Severus tell her? He must not have known…

Remus gave her a knowing look, flaring his nostrils at her. She didn't have his acute senses but even _she _could smell the cold night air that still clung to her robes. _He_ could probably smell the forest on her; he probably knew she'd been out there just moments before she woke him.

James, unaware of this, went on. "Low-level Magical Law Enforcement patrolling around Hogsmeade. Checking the Three Broomsticks and the Hogshead especially."

"No doubt arresting people for a law they wouldn't even know existed…" she complained.

"Ignorance is no excuse," Sirius quoted.

"How did you know what they were about? Did they see your mark and make the wrong assumption?"

Sirius' grin was triumphant. "They did indeed."

Lily snorted. "Bet _that_ was embarrassing."

"For him, certainly," Sirius confirmed, amused.

"Should have seen the way he was bowing and scraping when he left," said James. "Loud and abusive one moment; meek and mild the next. Merlin, the way he described—"

"I'm famished," Sirius declared suddenly. "Prongs, call that Lettie creature, have her bring some food."

James' grimace was slight but noticeable, to Lily, at least. "I'd rather have Poppy."

"What if they're asleep?" said Lily; sounding even more outraged to conceal her own guilt for having done the same thing several times herself.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "They're _elves_. That's what they're _for_."

.

For a blessed few minutes, it was silent of conversation while everyone ate, and Lily had time to think about the new curfew without having to comment on it.

She had grabbed sandwich and retreated back to the sofa so that those eating from plates and using silverware (Sirius and Remus) could have a place at the table. Remus' meal consisted primarily of meat and potatoes. Sirius, to Lily's surprise (though there was no reason why she should have been) had chosen a fruit salad.

Under the pressure of his knife, some juice from an orange slice squirted out, landing on the cuff of his white silk shirt, staining it unbecomingly. Sirius looked outraged.

"The effrontery of some fruits," he complained, nose wrinkled in disgust and looking genuinely offended. He vanished his plate's contents directly and shoved the empty dish away from him; appetite (which he'd been complaining about only moments before) apparently gone.

Despite her being completely exhausted and positively sick of the conversation (which had resumed) Lily couldn't kick the boys out of her sitting room. It was by far more comfortable and spacious than James' office and it had the advantage of house elf cooking and tea service to hand of which Sirius' flat (while just as comfortable) could not boast.

So Lily withdrew to her bedroom, bidding the boys goodnight and letting them discuss the situation as long as they wished. She drew the curtains around her four-poster so that when they came in to use the loo (not all together, mind; one at a time) she wouldn't be disturbed.

When she'd declared her intentions of going to bed that had been exactly what she'd meant to do, but try as she might, she couldn't fall asleep. She considered putting a silencing charm on her bedroom door, but she liked the faint rumble of dear, familiar voices in the next room. Besides, she knew that wasn't the cause of her sleeplessness anyhow.

It was the old problem returned. Her mind simply wouldn't rest.

Somehow that difficulty had seemed to have faded away when she'd started sleeping with James. Now, she supposed, she had nothing to distract her from her thoughts.

She sighed, flinging an arm over her eyes, though there was no light in her chamber to block out. A futile attempt to likewise block out everything else, to keep it out of her head.

Lily allowed herself to briefly imagine what it would be like to move back to the muggle world; live with Petunia, find some kind of work (though without a muggle education her prospects were bleak.) Really, any little job would do.

But no; Petunia wouldn't allow it, considering. Her new garish tattoo wouldn't be the only thing her staunchly muggle husband would disapprove of…

But that was all fantasy anyway. (Strange, that having a completely normal and banal life could be considered 'fantasy'.) She couldn't go back now in any case; she was in too deep.

Still, it was a nice enough little dream, a secret fantasy she could visit when all by herself.

.

Someone entered her room again but she didn't hear him make his way to the toilet.

"Lily?" James whispered from just behind the curtains.

She stayed silent and waited, keeping her eyes closed in case he popped his head in to check on her.

"I know you're awake," he declared. Lily could hear the smile in his voice.

"How do you know I'm awake?" she asked, abandoning the pretence.

"Because," he explained, "you would have woken up no matter what when I came in and said your name. And had you actually been asleep before, you would have mumbled a response. You always do that when you've just been woken up."

"Oh." She'd have to remember that. She parted the curtains. "Well you got me. What did you want?"

He shrugged, eyes darting away. "Just checking on you; see if you wanted to talk."

Her 'no' was so quick and relatively loud that it sounded quite rude, but she really didn't want to talk, about _anything_. She felt ashamed of herself for the way her response made him flinch and bow his head.

"If you'd rather Sirius or Remus…" he started, apologetic and yet offended.

"No," she said, careful this time to speak more mildly. "I just… don't want to think about it anymore tonight. Thank you, though."

The muscles of his shoulders visibly relaxed.

"And you are still awake because you _haven't_ been thinking about it?" he teased gently. He was entirely correct, of course, but she wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of conceding the point. Instead she rolled her eyes at him.

He smiled once more before turning to leave.

"James!" she blurted before she could stop herself.

Just because she didn't want to _talk_ didn't mean she wanted him to _leave._ But no, his staying would only make things more complicated between them, especially after the previous evening in the Hospital Wing. She swallowed hard.

"Goodnight," she said, feeling like she was somehow lying.

James hesitated a moment as if he were tempted to call her on it. She half-hoped he would.

"Goodnight, Lily," he replied at last, shutting the door behind him.

She heard no more voices after that. They had gone.

She still couldn't sleep.

At five in the morning, she finally gave up and studied for NEWTs instead.

.

Despite reading it cover to cover, Lily didn't find even the smallest mention of the new curfew in the Daily Prophet, not even any reports of recalcitrant muggleborns being arrested, for whatever reason.

Right there at the breakfast table, she composed a letter to the appropriate Ministry department to request a copy of all the changes in legislation—civil, criminal, and regulatory—within the last six months. Who knew what else she'd missed? Lily felt she'd have to do this every week if she wanted to stay updated.

"I don't think I'd believe that you left your homework this late," said Colum Davies to her left. His grin was open and simple.

"You're right. It's just a letter. I'm only writing it now so I can take it up to the owlry before class." She didn't want to send Ebony for fear that they'd recognise her, especially if she sent an owl every week. She'd given a pseudonym as well for added precaution.

"I'll go with," Davies offered. "I've got some things I want to send to my parents."

.

Lily was still thinking about the curfew while on her way to lunch after her final class of the day. She passed by James, who looked to be on his way up to his office, rather than down to the Great Hall. He nodded politely as he struggled against the flow of students and she nodded politely back and kept going.

Since she no longer had DADA or History of Magic in her schedule, she found her days ending rather sooner or starting rather later than she was used to. She wasn't complaining. Not at all. It was wonderful, being able to use that time other students were in lessons to take full advantage of the empty library.

She was already making a small list in her mind of what she would tackle first after lunch when she felt her arm sting. She hissed in a breath through clenched teeth, but kept walking, not wanting to give any sign of reaction, just in case anyone was looking for it. Or even if they weren't. She hadn't actually heard the word 'mudblood' but someone in the vicinity had definitely spoken it.

This wasn't uncommon in recent days, and she had pretty much grown accustomed to it. This time, however, it wasn't just an idle offhand mention, because a moment later she felt another painful sting. Of course she had no way of knowing if it was the same person, the same conversation, or an entirely different group all together. Another searing burn and Lily drew the tentative conclusion that the pain grew exponentially worse the more frequent and close together the word was said. She hadn't known that before. Or perhaps she was just sore, and her arm had no time to heal before the next assault. It was something she wanted to know more about, but mentally grimaced at the thought of doing the necessarily research.

She actually hissed in pain the fourth time, and just barely stopped herself from bringing her hand to her arm to feel if heat actually radiating from her mark. A curse whooshed passed her in a streak of purple light, narrowly missing Lily and instead hitting a 3rd year Hufflepuff in front her, causing him to totter and wobble from the effects of the jelly legs jinx. Lily quickly performed the counter-curse but wheeled around immediately after, leaving the afflicted boy to the care of his friends.

It wasn't difficult to determine the caster of the spell, as there was only one student in the vicinity at the appropriate angle with his wand out, Not to mention the look of thwarted surprise on his face to find Lily confronting him.

Her wand was already drawn, and people quickly made room so as not to get hit in the crossfire, should things escalate. None of them actually _left_ however. They all stuck around to see what would happen. Even Sir Nicholas breezed by to watch the situation unfold.

"Using magic in the corridors, hexes and jinxes especially, is now cause for suspension!" she informed him, cursing inwardly at the pain it took to hold out her wand arm, sore as it was from the frequent use of the word 'mudblood.'

The boy, a sixth year Ravenclaw by the name of Pontias Postlethwait, stood next to his fellow dorm mates, including one Dante deBeaulieu, and from his expression, it was clear to Lily that the Hufflepuff hadn't been the intended target. It might have been slightly egocentric of her, but Lily assumed that it had meant to be _her_, as it had come so close and she just _knew_, somehow knew, that it had been he who had been making her mark burn. She couldn't tell by his expression, however, if he actually _knew_ the physical pain the word caused her.

"You will apologise to Mr Figglestein and report directly to Professor Flitwick for your punishment."

Postlethwait seemed to recover from the sight shock of his prank, if it could be so called, going awry, and returned haughtily, "You can put on airs now and act superior, Miss _Head Girl_, but outside this castle you are nothing, Just wait, you'll see your place. "

_Touché;_ an incredibly valid point that Lily was not about to publicly concede. She ruthlessly ignored the burning humiliation of public ridicule and fixed him with an icy stare.

"That didn't sound like an apology to me, Postlethwait."

He smirked, and looked past her shoulder. "Sorry Figglestein. It was an accident."

"No doubt it was," said Lily, raising an eyebrow. "Didn't Professor Potter teach you better aim than that? I couldn't have been more than a metre and a half in front of you and yet you still missed?"

Yes, she knew it was childish and petty but he had wounded her pride and she couldn't stop herself from retaliating, even if it was just to criticise his aim.

Thinking of James made her feel slightly better. Slightly bolder. She knew that he would be disappointed at such sloppy spell-casting. It was rather a pet peeve of his when curses don't hit their intended targets. It was for that reason he'd scheduled an entirely new section devoted to Belvedere's Principle. He had often said that he'd been hit accidentally more times than he had intentionally; Lily didn't quite believe him though.

Postlethwait gave her a sneer Lily could only define as 'Pure-Blooded.' The kind that at the same time looked both arrogant and offended; both pleased with oneself but displeased with everyone else. Lily thought fleetingly of Sirius, and that his condescension could make even this boy feel inferior.

Lily would give anything for that gift right now. To feel superior, or failing that, at least to feel equal. Instead she struggled and floundered, clinging to her position of dubious authority to maintain the appearance of pride.

"At least I'm not a muggleborn," the boy rejoined, heaving a theatrical sigh of relief, earning him a few chuckles of amusement. Dante deBeaulieu, who stood next to him, said nothing, did nothing. He met Lily's eye once, considered his friend, then just continued walking—clearly not wanting to be involved, even as a simple spectator. Lily couldn't blame him.

It was Peter who came to mind in that moment. Even when insulted he was always quick to make a smart remark, whose points were always powerful (if indelicate at times, even crude) oftentimes humorous, and certainly worthy of retort.

"Touché_,"_she said opening her arms and giving him a mocking bow and a dangerous smile. "You're right. I _am_ a muggleborn. A disadvantage I will always have to suffer and a reason I will always be hated. I can't change that. I will always be what I am. You have the advantage. _You_ _**can**_ change. You don't always have to be a bullying toerag!"

Lily hadn't managed to control her temper and ended up shouting that last bit. She had to take several gasps of air before she could regulate her breathing and add, "Think about it. And get yourself to your Head of House."

She turned around and set off, hoping it looked as if she were storming off rather than making a cowardly retreat to the kitchens. There was no way she was going to the Great Hall for lunch now.

Lily had almost thought she'd made it out when she felt something wet and slimy splat on the back of her head then roll down her neck and back. She closed her eyes, forcing away the pain in her throat caused by its sudden tightening. She needed to remain calm. Lily thought of Remus, the most level-headed, also the one who suffered the most, and sought inspiration.

"Mud," she said shaking her hand to rid it of the greater portion of the muck. "I get it. How clever; how… _subtle_," she said loud enough for all to hear, and hoped they found the comment to be aloof, witty and apathetic.

"Miss Evans?" Nick hovered uncertainly by, wondering, no doubt, if he might be of assistance somehow.

"Sir Nicholas, would you go Find Professor Flitwick in the Great Hall and tell him all that happened here? I... I have to go." This last bit was uttered much more quietly. She was choking up and she couldn't let anyone see it.

"Of course."

"Your aim was better this time, at least," she managed to say as she flicked her wand at her head. She couldn't clean it all of the muck effectively so she simply glamoured it to look as if she'd completely got rid of it. She could clean it properly later.

Everyone was looking at her. Had seen it. She could hear the whispering already starting. How many nightmares had gone exactly like this? The looks, the murmuring, the humiliation, the realisation that no one was fooled by her high marks and various achievements. They all saw her for what she really was, and nothing—not even a Head Girl badge no matter how shiny—could hide that.

x

He'd seen it all from his vantage at the stop of the stairs. He hadn't got himself involved partly to see how she would deal with the situation, but mostly because he didn't know if he would do the proper thing. As a teacher, it wasn't allowed to hex the snot out of the little brat, to hang him upside down in his underpants as the gobshite deserved. He would have to be impartial—something he didn't feel capable of at that time or at any other.

James would have gladly turned a blind eye had she decided to hex him back, confident she could give the boy a sound thrashing, but she didn't. Instead she comported herself with the poise and maturity expected of a Head Girl, apart from the one provocative jibe about the boy's aim. James could naught but grin at that.

His smile instantly faded at the boy's remark about being muggleborn; he squeezed his wand tightly in his fist, telling himself he wouldn't use it. She played it off in a Peter-like fashion, and James was certain that the confrontation was over.

He should have known better. Boys don't take well to being publicly dressed down, much less from people they think are inferior to them. James should have expected some retaliation.

His breath had caught painfully in his chest when he saw the mud.

"Mud. How clever. How subtle," she chirruped, her attitude an insult, but James was not fooled by the off-hand tone; he'd heard it too many times.

As she walked from the scene he walked towards it.

"Postlethwait!" he barked. The corridor went silent as everyone turned to look up at him. Remembering himself, he controlled his tone and amended, "_Mister_ Postlethwait."

The students parted as he descended the steps. "Surely I didn't just see you use unauthorised magic… _twice_?" he asked dangerously. The boy, who had been so smug a moment ago no longer looked so self- assured. He glanced to his friends who suddenly seemed not to know or recognise him. They all looked away.

"If you want to practice curses you must do it in the classroom. Here, this one will do. We can see how good you are at shield charms as well," he threatened. James grabbed the boy by his collar and dragged him through the nearest door, shoved him inside and slammed the door behind them. He didn't need a corridor-full of witnesses.

Every candle in the room flared to life at their entrance, and James felt his temper marginally recede for a moment.

"Turn your back," James insisted, but didn't wait for the boy to comply; the spell he cast spun the boy where he stood. "Shields up! Wedgis!" he shouted, again not giving the boy enough time. It was hidden by the robes but he knew that Postlethwait's underpants were now up to his shoulder blades. "About face!"

Again the boy pirouetted, nearly losing his balance altogether. His arms flung wildly to maintain an upright position. James shot another curse at him, a stinging hex this time.

"Come on, fight back! Where's your shield? Where are your offensive spells? I thought you wanted to practice!" Another few stinging hexes and the boy finally gathered his wits enough to erect a protégo while he tried desperately to pull at the seat of his trousers. "Go on. Fling some more mud," James challenged, but the boy did not. James did it himself, splattering the boy across the face and chest.

_I am a horrible teacher,_ he thought, taking in the boy's pathetic appearance. Bullying his student like this. Lily would be ashamed. Yes, he was a snot-nosed brat, and yes, he needed to learn a lesson, but this wasn't the way.

He'd just lowered his wand and stepped back when Flitwick entered, taking in the scene with bewilderment.

"Bit of extra practice, Professor," James explained. "Mr Postlethwait here was keen to try a few spells so I felt I'd give him the opportunity in a controlled setting. Defence too, of course," he added. "Afraid the boy's shield charms aren't up to scratch." There was an awkward pause, or it was awkward for him at least, and he cleared his throat. "I'll leave him to you then, Filius." And with that James was out of the classroom, looking for the nearest secret passage.

He didn't light his wand; he knew those tunnels like the back of his hand. He therefore he didn't see her when he approached. He did _hear_ her, however. She wasn't weeping but her breathing was uneven, and he could tell she was doing her best not to cry.

Why, James didn't know. There was no one there to see her now, no one from whom she had to put up a brave front.

Then it struck him. _For herself_. Even in the dark and all alone she didn't want to show any weakness, admit to pain. She was trying to prove something to herself.

The passage wasn't really wide enough for them to sit side by side so he lowered himself behind her. Slowly, he took out his wand he scourgified her hair and robes before putting it back in his belt. He stroked the now clean hair. She didn't protest, didn't make even make a token gesture of pushing him away.

"Can you die from humiliation?" she asked, leaning her cheek against his knee.

"No," he assured her gently. Or else he'd have been a mass murderer in his school days, he was ashamed to admit.

Lily hiccoughed. "_Pity_."

"Shhhh..." he soothed, stroking her head.

She sniffled, nuzzling (or perhaps wiping her nose on) his leg. "Hide me?"

Despite them being as good as invisible in the complete darkness of a secret passage, he opened his cloak and after some awkward shuffling, wrapped her up snugly against him, covering her completely. She clutched at his arms. It was then she seemed to feel it, the band wrapped around his bicep just as Sirius wore. Just as muggleborns wore. At the realisation of what it was she choked out a sob, clinging tightly to his arm, letting the band soak up her a few recalcitrant tears.

He remembered once telling Lily that he liked hiding her, that it was preferable to her constantly running away. She must have been desperately wanting to flee now, as almost all the other muggleborns in the school already had. What was it about muggleborns that brought out the worst in people, anyway? Why did society dislike her so? She didn't deserve any of this.

James ended up missing the whole of his class that afternoon.

.

When next he saw her (in passing that evening at dinner) she barely acknowledged him. She _certainly_ didn't give any sign that she'd spent a desperate hour clinging to him in the dark earlier in the day. She looked aloof and proud. It was a facade, he knew, but he still admired her for even having the initiative for faking it. Well no, the pride was real. It was the air of fearlessness that was put on.

x

_Clear your mind,_ he told himself yet again, breathing deeply in and out, in and out.

He was never going to be able to keep his memories of Lily if he couldn't clear his mind. _And you'll never clear you mind if you don't stop thinking about her,_ he chided himself.

It was infuriating that his principle motive to occlude was the primary hang-up in his succeeding. Of course, Severus considered taking her out of his mind for the duration of his practice so she couldn't hinder his progress, but what was the point of that? He needed to learn how to hide _her _in his mind, which he couldn't bloody well do if he took her out of his head beforehand.

It was only a matter of time before the Dark Lord summoned him again. He'd already marshalled the information in his mind of what he'd share with his master. Strife in the aurory, the weakest link being Argyle and the surviving Prewitt twin. It might be enough to satisfy, it might not. He had successfully developed another potion which would make up for any lack of information, he hoped.

"This is foolishness," he growled. He knew what he should do. Remove the memory. Cease all communication. Forget her completely.

_And how many times might I have already tried to do that?_

It was the logical thing to do, no doubt he'd already come to that conclusion many times before and yet, for some reason, they managed to maintain a fragile sort of relationship.

_Why?_

He shook his head. This was madness. Nothing good could come of it. He was being suicidal trying to master occlumency. The return simply wasn't worth the risk.

He flared his nostrils, exhaling slowing.

_Clear your mind…_

x

James went to meet Sirius at the gate to Hogsmeade but ended up meeting him half way. He turned around and they walked toward the castle together.

"So…?" Sirius ventured.

James had asked him to pop by, but hadn't said why.

"So what?"

"To what do I owe the honour of the invitation?"

"What, can't a bloke have his mate over without any ulterior motives?"

"Of course, of course," he said, not pressing for more information. James wasn't surprised Sirius had let the topic go without question, but he also _shouldn't_ have been surprised when Sirius forced a direct confrontation when they reached the castle. Instead of going to James' office as planned, Sirius forcibly led him to Lily's room, said the password and pushed him in, muttering 'Just stopping by for a visit. _No ulterior motives._'

That was the trouble with James' friends. They were just too damned perceptive. He was instantly distracted from the list of insults he would unleash on Sirius later by Lily, fighting her damnedest against an invisible opponent. Grunting, firing, deflecting…

He recognised the set up as the one they had designed to practice Belvedere's principle of curse deflection in class, in which one can battle oneself by letting curses rebound on you.

She wasn't holding back either. Teeth bared and throwing her whole body into her curses, she fought herself hard, yowling like a large cat.

James stood transfixed as she worked off her frustration from the day. Once upon a time, when she needed to release some pent-up frustration, she would duel with him. Now, she ferociously battled with herself, it seemed. After the day she had, he couldn't blame her.

"Oh Cariad!" Sirius greeted in a sing-song sort of way. Luckily she wasn't so started as to let one of her curses land.

"Just a minute," she said, breathing hard, and finished up the round. She turned to them. "James? I wasn't… wasn't expecting you this early," she said, very nearly panting as she conjured a towel to wipe off her sweaty face.

James had to think fast for a reason for showing up hours before midnight. "Well, I… slept through last session, didn't I? I thought we'd make up for lost time tonight."

"I don't have anything set up yet," she said, then her eyes widened as her head shot up, fixing Sirius with a unblinking stare.

"Yes?" his friend prompted. "Something I can do for you, Cariad."

"There is," she breathed.

x

"_Mudblood._"

"Again."

"Mudblood."

"Again."

"Mudblood."

They'd been at it for a while. James had predictably refused to capitulate, which is why she'd asked Sirius to help her test the precise effect the word had on her mark. The rules were that she herself was not allowed to say the trigger word at all; Sirius was in charge of that, but even he seemed reluctant to continue further. The first test had been saying it several times in a short period. Now they were doing it at more lengthy intervals, but more times.

"Again," she repeated in a gasp, but Sirius continued to hesitate. "Again!" she shouted.

He glared at her for a moment before roaring back petulantly, "Mudblood! Happy now, _mudblood_?"

They both of them stop in astonishment. Lily swallowed down a lump that was climbing up her throat trying to chase away the feeling that she'd actually been _insulted_ that time. He was only supposed to say it when she asked, in case it become too much to bear, but he'd gone on to repeat it in his anger.

_Happy now, mudblood?_

To cover up whatever it was that had just happened, she made the request one last time, though in reality she didn't feel her arm could take it.

"Again... please."

He turned his back to her but he must have said it. Though it had been too quiet for her to hear she felt that horrible burn all the same. The pain was unbearable at this stage.

"I think that's enough," she gasped rather weakly. Her armed ached and burned and felt as if it were swollen and heavy. She couldn't even lift her wand in this state, couldn't even note the results on the parchment which she'd been using to jot down her conclusions and questions. She was glad Sirius had turned his back, because a few tears leaked out. She had dealt with her fair share of pain, and it didn't usually reduce her to tears.

She turned to James as she started to pull off her cloak with her left hand, trying ineffectually to shrug out of it. "Help me out of this," she asked, her arm like a burning dead-weight. Solemnly, James rose to her, gently brushed her hair aside and pulled the cloak off her arms. It wasn't lost on her that it had been _she_ helping _him _out of his clothes two nights before. Now he was returning the favour.

"_Do you need Madam Pomfrey?"_ he whispered into her hair, and Lily knew he had pitched his voice purposefully low so that Sirius might not hear.

"I... don't know," she whispered back, shivering slightly. Her shirt, soaked with perspiration, clung to her. The cloak's sudden absence made the slight draught frightfully chilly against her moist back. It was an odd contrast to the white hot pain throbbing in her arm. She agreed with James though, if she did go to the Hospital Wing, it would be when Sirius had gone and wouldn't know about it. Not that one could tell he felt guilty by looking at his face, but both Lily and Jams knew the beautiful man well enough to discern his silent contrition.

"The rest?" James asked, gesturing to the remainder of her outer garments.

Lily nodded. "I want a look at the skin. Should have taken it off to start with," she reflected wretchedly.

For some absurd reason, Lily fought a blush that Sirius was in the room. Granted, he wasn't looking, and what was more it wasn't as if she and James were being _amorous_ or anything. All the same, being so carefully and tenderly undressed by James with Sirius right there made her unaccountably embarrassed.

James noticed her flushed cheeks and smirked.

"Tosser," she hissed, but it seemed his smiles were catching, and her lips quirked up betraying similar smirk. That was until James accidentally jostled her arm, causing her to cry out.

"Sorry," said James with a grimace, as if he were in pain too.

"It's your own damned fault," Sirius snapped. "Bloody fool idea."

"I know," she said gently. "Thank you, Sirius, for helping me. No… no hard feelings." She did her best to smile convincingly, but by the curt way he nodded and strode out of the room, slamming the portrait behind him, she gathered she'd failed.

"Ignore him," James suggested, continuing with his task. Lily let herself be stripped down to her undershirt.

They both inspected her arm.

"Doesn't appear any different," James pointed out.

"Well it is. I can barely move it."

James frowned. "You mean, you actually _can't_ move it? You're debilitated? Or you can't move it without hurting?"

"I don't know."

"Well, you've got to try." Seeing her grimace, he said, "I know it'll hurt but see if you _can_ move it."

Lily knew what he was thinking. In an emergency, she would need to be able to use her wand. If something prevented her from being able to lift it…

With great and excruciating effort, she lifted her wand arm, but she was only able to keep it up for a few seconds before having to let it drop again.

James' face was grave. Lily's heart sank. A few seconds wouldn't be good enough in battle. Would she be kicked out of the Order for being a liability?

"You know what this means," James began. Lily hung her head, waiting for the dreadful news. "You're going to have to learn to duel left-handed." Her head popped up, surprised and delighted. "Contrary to popular belief, it's not any less powerful than your dominant hand. It's just a matter of getting the wrist and finger movements as precise. You'll need to start practicing. Start writing with your left hand. Get the muscles working."

"Can _you_ duel left-handed?" she asked.

He shrugged. "It was part of auror training. In case something happens to your wand arm to be able to keep duelling with your wand in the opposite hand."

"You never mentioned that before," she said, surprised. She and James had spent many hours over the past months talking about his training but that little factoid had never come up.

"It wasn't a primary focus. Think you ought to let Poppy take a look?" he asked.

Lily nodded reluctantly. "Probably should. Can't put anything on the mark, but she might be able to increase mobility in the arm itself."

"Does she know?"

"Know what?"

"Does she know about the… What it does to you, that word…" he said sheepishly, throwing her cloak on over her shoulders and fastening it. Normally his reluctance to say 'mudblood' got on her nerves, but this time she could only be thankful.

"Oh. No, I didn't tell her. She worries enough as it is. You don't have to come," she added, seeing that he intended to.

He arched a brow. "After what happened this afternoon you expect me to let you wander the corridors when you can barely raise your wand arm?"

.

Madame Pomfrey was not pleased to hear what Lily had to tell her. In order to find out if there was a spell that would block our counter the soreness, the healer had to find out exactly how the mark inflicted pain, without actually tampering with the mark itself. Throughout the inspection, she asked Lily all manner of questions, most of which she was able to answer because of her recent study.

"On a scale of one to ten, one being a poke and ten being the cruciatus I'd say seven and a half, eight. But completely localised to the upper arm," she explained. Poppy pressed her lips firmly together, but couldn't tell whether or not it was because she didn't understand the curse the mark used or because Lily knew the effects of the cruciatus well enough to compare the pain with authority.

They tried casting numbing charm, then removing it to see if it would take the pain away with it (as when she first got the mark) but it didn't work.

Madame Pomfrey informed them that she knew of a few curses that, rather than fired from a wand, had an outside trigger, but so did James, as such was usual with many dark objects, and it wasn't exactly news that muggleborn mark/tattoo fell into the category of cursed objects.

Unfortunately, Poppy couldn't find any way around the mark's effects (for it had been well designed) but _had _an interesting idea that James insisted they test _later_. The plan was simple, and if it proved effective would be entirely worth it. She suggested that if ever Lily's mark burned to its current level again, to cast yet _another_ curse, equally painful but short-lived. It was Poppy's idea that perhaps the second curse, with its comparatively brief duration, would override the first but then die out quickly.

If that didn't work, then they would be back to square one, however.

.

It was decided that Lily would stay in the Hospital Wing until she regained full control of her arm. Poppy had to tend to other patients, commanding James to help Lily into her standard issue Hospital Wing pyjamas. The previously attempted numbing charm was used so that James could pull her arm through a sleeve without it hurting. After that it was the simple matter of removing her shoes (leaving the socks on, as the Hospital Wing floor had no carpet) and holding the trousers so she could step into them for him to pull them up. Only after they were on did she remove her skirt. It was slightly ridiculous performance, how careful he was being to preserve her modesty considering all they'd been through, but Lily appreciated it all the same.

"All sorted?" he asked solicitously. "Need anything else?"

"I think I'm set, thanks."

"All right. I'll be off then."

He started walking away when she remembered something. "Wait!" she called out, fiddling with the back of her neck one-handed, trying to undo the clasp of the Dragon's Eye, the necklace that acted like a talisman. When it came undone it fell into her lap.

"I can't wear it anymore. It's too dangerous for other people. That curse this afternoon should have hit _me_, James. I can't let innocent people unknowingly take hits for me." She stopped, mind filling with thoughts of Roo slumped over their table at the Three Broomsticks, unmoving.

It was quiet for a time.

"I think he knew," said James.

"What?"

"I know you are thinking about Rupert Ferris. Him drinking your butterbear. I think he knew what he was doing. Testing it for you."

Lily shook her head. "James, don't."

"No. I mean it. I truly believe that he knew exactly what he was doing."

"And if he didn't?" she snapped.

"I still don't think he'd regret it. I wouldn't."

Lily swallowed, pushing whatever emotion that was trying to escape back down.

"Either way it's beside the point!" she said. "Figgelstien shouldn't have taken that jinx. Lucky it wasn't a dangerous one. Though next time it might be, and I'll be _damned_ if I let other people get hurt because I'm a mud—"

James' arm shot out fast as an eye-blink and stopping her from completing the word by covering her mouth.

They just looked at each other for a moment, his expression eloquent.

_Don't say it,_ it said, smouldered. She didn't move his hand away, but she did grope in the folds of her blanket to find the necklace. She held it up between them. His eyes melted a bit from determined to resigned. She knew he felt better when she wore it, but he understood why she couldn't keep it anymore.

When he eventually took his hand away she placed the necklace in it.

"It was too fine a thing for me anyway," she said, trying to lighten the mood, though it felt odd to not be wearing it after so long. "Perhaps we can trick Sirius into wearing it. I'm sure he could do with some extra protection, and he's always around such a dodgy lot it'd be no loss if one of them got hit instead of him."

Still gazing intently at the piece in his hand, James quirked a small smile, though it was gone in a moment. Instead he pulled out his wand and pointed it at the heart of the gem. He didn't say the spells aloud but she could tell what they were by his wrist movements. He was taking the protection charms off.

He held the ends of the chain in separate hands, holding it out to her. "It's yours; you should keep it. It might bring good luck."

She snorted but turned around to let him put it around her. "You don't believe in luck."

"That doesn't stop me from having a lucky quill, lucky pair of underwear, lucky Quidditch jersey…" He lifted the necklace over her head.

"I think I still have that one," she admitted guiltily, pulling her hair out of his way so he could fasten it.

He chuckled. "I know you do."

And with that, he strolled out of the Hospital Wing.

.

Lily began to notice that within the castle more marks started appearing. Those who openly opposed the muggleborn registration started wearing them too. Dippet wore one, though hers was a honey yellow, embroidered with interwoven patterns in cream along both sides. James sported one in a shade of mahogany that almost matched the muggleborn marks. Dumbledore's was a violent shade of purple with sparkling silver stars. Minerva McGongall's arm band corresponded to the tartan of her clan, and Poppy Pomfrey's was striped white and lime green. Hagrid seemed to have wrapped a patchwork quilt around his arm.

Apart from the muggleborns themselves, very few students wore them, however. Colum and Archie, the older boys on the Gryffindor Quidditch wore matching gold and red stripes. The loyal friends of Westin, the only remaining Hufflepuff muggleborn, wore bands of their house colours as well. Unfortunately it only seemed to serve as making them a target for teasing. Some teachers held no tolerance for it; others simply turned a blind eye. Lily was sad but unsurprised to learn that Slughorn was of the latter group.

Ever since she'd been marked, Lily had noticed that Horace had had a difficult time trying not to stare at her mark. She could tell he was worried about what associating with her would do to his reputation and standing within his own House. When they were brewing he was always looking over his shoulder to make sure no one was around. A useless nervous gesture as the dungeon door was closed and they would hear anyone before they saw them.

Lily didn't mention any of this though; she didn't want to give him a reason to tell her about his misgivings and try to guilt her into leaving. She knew that Dumbledore had told Slughorn to let her do this, but she wouldn't put it past the Head of Slytherin to try to manipulate her out of it, and make her want to leave of her own volition.

It was the end of one of their brewing sessions and she was bottling the final draught. She put all of them into a crate to go off to the hospital wing, save one phial which she put on Slughorn's desk for his own personal store. She gave a habitual cursory glance at the photographs that were on his desk and one caught her eye. She'd seen them many times before but had never taken the opportunity to look at them closely. Now that she did, she thought she recognised one.

A boy, a very beautiful boy that at first she had thought was Sirius. It's what had caught her attention to start with but it wasn't him. She leaned over to inspect it more closely.

"Is that..." She paused uncertainly. "_Regulus_ Black?"

"What? Oh yes." He shuffled over to her. "One of my more gifted pupils. Very eager to learn, always trying to be like his older brother."

"Like Sirius?" she asked in disbelief. "I understood that they weren't... erm... that close."

Horace shrugged. "Be that as it may, Sirius Black set the standard and young Regulus did his very best to live up to it. They were only a year or two apart. Just a spot of sibling rivalry, no doubt."

"No doubt," she echoed absentmindedly.

"Regulus took every class his older brother did. Despite their little house rivalry it was perfectly clear that he looked up to Sirius."

"Right..." she said vaguely, thinking this highly unlikely. Horace didn't know the inner strife of the house of Black, or that Sirius had been disowned and ran away from his family before he even finished school. The brothers would certainly have been at odds at that point.

Her eyes found Regulus' photo again. Such a handsome boy, as all Blacks seemed to be. To think that charming looking young man had not only become a Death Eater, but had also been killed by them as well. Why, they would likely never know. Lily wondered what would have happened if Regulus _had_ looked up to Sirius. Would he have turned away from the Death Eaters instead of toward them? What would Sirius be like if he'd had at least some family that loved him?

She felt a sudden powerful longing to see Petunia.

.

Her mind was still on the Black family when she returned to her common room nearing midnight, and nearly wet herself when she opened the portrait hole to find a Black sitting on her sofa. It was, of course, the only Black that could possibly be there, but still, the eerie coincidence startled her more than slightly. _His brother looked so much like him_.

She almost pointed this out, but stopped herself. Sirius would know better than she did what his own brother had looked like, and she doubted that Sirius would thank her for reminding him.

"Evening, Cariad."

"Noswaith dda, cariad." She tossed her bag onto the sofa next to him and kissed his cheek. She noticed he tilted his head slightly to make it easier for her.

"I got you something." He held up a small square parcel wrapped in tissue paper.

"Oh? What's the occasion?"

"No reason, just saw it and thought it suited you."

It had been several days since their last meeting. Lily really felt like she should apologise to him for making him help her with her experiment it in the first place, but Sirius was obviously pretending it never happened so she would as well.

She opened the light package to reveal a dark gold silk scarf, and it really did look and feel marvelous. Sirius' sense of the sartorial was unparalleled, she'd always known that. It matched the band he currently wore around his arm perfectly. Lily suspected he might have simply given her his own accessory on impulse until she noticed the tiny overlapping letters of her initialsmonogrammed on the corner.

Lily knew a peace offering when she saw one. She doubted he would feel this guilty for just causing her physical pain; it was for actually calling her mudblood. She knew that's what had happened. He wouldn't have tried to make it up to her like this otherwise.

She draped the silky garment around her neck and transfigured the door into a mirror to inspect herself as Sirius had once done. It _did_ look very fine. It went well against the black of her robes and somehow matched her hair.

"You have a gift for this sort of thing," she observed.

"We all have our little talents."

"Speaking of… I actually have something for you as well."

"Oh?"

She smiled and ran her fingers through his hair. Usually this was strictly forbidden, but she loved his hair so much and she knew that in his guilty state he'd let her get away with it. Yes, she knew it was conniving, but it was a harmless scheme, really.

She went to the bookshelf and opened a small box and pulled out Sirius' port-ring. "It's finished… I think."

He stood quickly and went to her, taking it from her and studying it. "Brilliant," he breathed. Lily was ridiculously flattered. "How does it work?"

"Don't try it; it's illegal if you do. But you see that there is an inner ring that spins within the greater one, yes?"

"Yes."

"Right, well you see the outer ring is sectioned off in four colours."

Holding to the light, Sirius rotated his whole hand to inspect it from all sides. "Vermillion, indigo, saffron, and jade."

Lily snorted in amusement. "Red, blue, yellow and green; yes. And you'll also see that the inner ring also has the same colours, but none of them are in alignment."

"Right."

"Well, it's in such an order that only one colour can be lined up at a time. And if you spin it so that the green section on the inner ring lines up with green section on the outer ring, then it takes you to the person wearing the green ring. Which would be me, by the way."

"Interesting…" he mused, still inspecting it. She could tell he desperately wanted to fiddle with it, but was restraining himself.

"The trouble will be not to toy with it absentmindedly. Idle hands aren't worth going to prison for."

"No, indeed. This really is…" He trailed off, shaking his head. Lily wished he would have finished the sentence. "So who wears which ring?"

She went back to the box rummaged through the others. "Well this one is mine. See this part is you."

"Black. How original," he said with a teasing grin. "Can I put mine on?"

"Go right ahead. I was going to make you silver, but one day I'd like to use actual precious stones and metals. Perhaps ruby, sapphire, topaz and jade. But since Remus can't wear actual silver I chose onyx for you."

"Let me guess then… Prongs is vermillion. Peter is indigo. Remus is saffron and you, of course, are jade, as you've already said."

"Correct!"

"So why don't you wear yours?" Sirius asked.

"Well it would be a bit useless, as all the others are in that box. But so long as we are both wearing ours and we are both out of the castle, we _should_ be able to pop over to one another. Only in extreme emergencies, mind," she emphasised, slipping on her own.

"Of course, of course." He held out is hand to admire how the ring looked. His head tilt and shrug showed that it wasn't his usual style, but he wasn't totally displeased with the piece either. "Well done."

.

They 'sneaked' down to the kitchens for a late night snack, discussing mostly innocuous things. He was making an effort to keep the conversation light as he educated her on current fashion trends, the best way to eat a soufflé (with demonstration) and on his opinions about the faults and habits of random and inconsequential acquaintances. He freely admitted that 'observations about one's acquaintances don't have to be true, so long as they are witty.'

And they went back and forth in this way, doing their best to amuse one another, particularly with people they both _knew_ but didn't care for.

"An altogether unappetising witch with nothing to recommend her but her silence."

Lily made an enquiring noise through a mouthful of pudding and he went on.

"She's an ignorant simpleton, of course, but at least she doesn't plague one's patience by constantly articulating the fact. Silence is charming in a woman. Refreshing these days."

Lily swallowed, considering what he'd just said. Both to make a point and also out of self-consciousness, she refrained from commenting on this sentiment and simply stared at him with raised eyebrows.

Sirius noticed.

"Except you, Cariad." Lifting her chin with a knuckle, he added solemnly, "_Silence does not become you."_

.

.

.

Lily reflected on her conversation with Sirius all the next day and decided that he was right (not about women being silent but about her _not_ being so.) So she set about writing essays. Not school essays, of course, but political essays. At the top of each page she wrote what Sirius had told her, after declaring that she should not be silent.

_**You are the voice of the powerless and those too afraid to speak…**_

If at any time while writing she sighed and wanted to give it up, Lily would glance to the top of the parchment and read those words again. If she stopped she would be letting others down.

She didn't know who would publish them; she didn't know how to get it out there, but she knew it must be written and read.

"They'll throw me in Azkaban for it," she had remarked to Sirius.

With a fey grin he had replied, "I have already promised to break you out. So no excuses."

_No excuses…_

* * *

_Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs,__  
__dimensions, senses, affections, passions; fed with__  
__the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject__  
__to the same diseases, heal'd by the same means,__  
__warm'd and cool'd by the same winter and summer__  
__as a Christian is? If you prick us, do we not bleed?__  
__If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us,__  
__do we not die?_

_(Act III, scene I)_

* * *

"State of Emergency Laws" that Sirius mentioned do exist. For example they are used in Northern Iraq to make even peaceful protests illegal and any public lectures at cultural centres needing get approval from the government first. The result being: no more lectures. Professors have been arrested and kidnapped. Reporters have gone missing. Students have been beaten. C_hildren _have been shot and killed, along with many others peaceful protesters.

No one would run the story.


	79. Confessions of a Mudblood

**For Amylin and Hello There. **_**Always**_**.**

_This is the longest chapter yet and it's only the first part. I decided rather than finish it, I would publish part one. The next chapter won't take as long to publish, so review!_

_Since the last chapter I've done two semesters of grad school, held three jobs to __**pay**__ for grad school, quit grad school, quit all three jobs, quit the country, went abroad, went to jail (not my fault and not charged with anything) got deported (which __**was**__ kinda my fault, sorry to say), and wrote this chapter. Not the best year. But my characters were waiting for me when all that was over. Moral of the story: Writing is a much healthier pastime than anything else. I've learned my lesson._

_Though I do think my misery was shoved off onto the characters. Everyone has bit of a break down in the chapter. And I want no judgements on Narcissa! You leave her alone! Sirius too. He's having a hard enough time as it is. Likewise, no harsh words for Lily or James, they're doing what they need to do just to get through each day. And I want to give Peter a hug…_

_And again, I must apologise for yet another Marauder drinking song. Gilbert and Sulliven's "Modern Major General." If you don't know it, give it a listen and consider how difficult it would be to do the piece drunk._

_Also, what's this business with doing a sweep of M fics and deleting them? Is my story in danger of vanishing? I don't understand what's going on… _

**Chapter 79: **_**Confessions of a Mudblood**_

It had been quite a time since he'd seen Glenda Goodwin, editor in chief at Witch Weekly. Back then he'd left with the intention of burning that bridge completely, but now that he wanted something, he needed to re-establish the contact. Hopefully she wouldn't be too terrified to speak with him. Sirius almost regretted having broken all the chandeliers in his temper the last time, but couldn't bring himself to lament the loss of those monstrosities (though he supposed hideously garish décor was only to be expected at a place like that.) Nor did he feel the slightest bit repentant about his righteous anger at the time, nor the incredibly stylish and dramatic exit he had made.

Everyone he passed noticed him, watched his progress down the hall, but no one greeted him, called out or made to waylay him with conversation. Taking a long drag from his cigarette he couldn't help thinking it ideal. He didn't have the patience for idle confabulation just now. He exhaled a cloud of pomegranate flavoured smoke as he passed by the lifts, preferring the stairwell to the narrow rattling cages, not only because they were cramped, but he hated the sense of forced intimacy that a closed lift compels. He took the stairs two at a time, as he always had when he used to work there.

Upon approaching Glenda's office, he was first accosted by cloud of foul smelling smoke wafting out of the room. The scent clashed horrendously with his own. She was speaking at great speed into the wall mirror, unaware of Sirius' presence. Leaning upon the doorframe, he openly eavesdropped. She sat with her high heels on the desk, sucking on a cigarette from a lengthy holder as she spoke, or barked, rather. Gone were the honeyed cadences she used when trying to wheedle what she wanted from someone. Her harsh tones indicated displeasure and the angle was such that Sirius couldn't see who was on the other end of the conversation, nor did he recognise the apologetic voice.

"I'm sorry, Ms Goodwin. I'll do it immediately."

"You are always _doing_ things. See that you do it _well_ this time. How hard it is to write a competent story?"

"I'll do better this time, Ms Goodwin."

"See that you do, or I'll get myself another writer!"

"Yes ma'am."

She exhaled angrily, smoke unfurling from her nostrils as she batted her hand at the mirror, no doubt waving the man away, closing the connection.

"I never had this problem with Sirius Black," she complained in a grumble.

As she had just mentioned him by name, Sirius couldn't pass up the opportunity for a little mischief. It was too auspicious an occasion.

"You called?" Sirius said by way of greeting, swinging into her office.

Glenda visibly jumped, legs falling off the desk and heels landing on the floor with a thunk. "Merciful Merlin!" she exclaimed, putting her hand to her chest. "Why are you here? I haven't done anything!"

"I know; you've been very good. But if you speak of the devil then he shall appear."

She eyed him warily for a time before she began to relax... but only slightly. "Then… what do you want?"

Sirius smirked and took out a few sheets of folded parchment from an inner pocket. He tossed them on her desk. "I've got a story for you."

"Indeed?" It was clear she still didn't trust his motives. She picked up the packet of pages, delicately shaking the bundle. "Pro _quo?_" she asked.

"Nothing," Sirius replied as she began to open it. "Just that you print it."

"_Confessions of a Mudblood_?" she asked incredulously. "What is this? I'm not even sure we can print the title…"

"Forget the title. Read it."

Rather than argue, she tipped her reading spectacles off the top of her head where they previously rested to land precisely on her nose and began skimming.

"You didn't write this," she charged.

"I never claimed I did. Though I don't see why you're surprised. The title ought to have given it away."

"Being that you're a pure blood."

"Being that I don't make confessions," he corrected.

"I thought it might have been a parody."

"No, indeed. Keep reading."

She did, making small questioning sounds as she went through it. When at last she finished she lowered the pages to the desk and tapped one long varnished nail on them.

"Well? Is it publishable?" he prodded.

"Publishable, yes. But by Witch Weekly?"

"Why not? You know it would cause a stir; sales would soar."

"Be that as it may, you, Sirius Black, of all people know why not. You know who our primary sponsors are."

"I doubt your primary sponsors actually read the magazine."

"They find out. I've been told before an issue even went to print that they disapproved of a spread we were doing. Had to redo the entire thing. I don't know who on my staff reports to them but they most certainly do, I can assure you. It's not worth my neck to slip it past them at the last minute."

"But you think it's fair enough to print," he said.

She eyed him again. "What are you up to?"

"I told you, I don't do confessions."

She shook her head and sighed. "I declare, I don't understand you at all. I thought you were… I mean. I would think that a piece like this would be contrary to your friends' aims."

Sirius shrugged.

"I have a wide variety of friends with a wide variety of aims."

"So I see. And might you be in my office in a month's time wanting to push through '_So I Married a Death Eater_'?"

Sirius' brows rose in consideration. "Now _there's _an idea."

"Honestly. Whose side are you on?" she asked, exasperated.

Sirius' playful mood vanished. "What business is it if yours?" he spat angrily. "Are you going to put the bloody thing through or not?"

Glenda paled and sank back into her seat defensively. "I'll see what I can do."

Sirius let out a deep breath and did his best calm himself. "I'm not threatening you, Glen," he said gently. "This is a request, not a demand."

She looked up at him, searching. He reached into his pocket and withdrew his cigarette case. "Have one of mine, they're much nicer," he insisted.

She took one and with trembling hands, she lit it. She seemed calmer after having breathed in deeply and exhaled. Sirius' nostrils delighted in the delicate honey-melon scent.

Glenda nodded. "It's good writing. Is it true that muggleborns have a curfew now?"

Sirius nodded.

"What if they ask who wrote it?" She took another long drag and the aroma of hazelnut filled the room.

"You can tell them the truth. That you don't know."

She nodded again. "These _are_ quite good," she said, lifting the fag before taking another pull. "I can't afford to be seen as taking sides."

Sirius shrugged. "I'll write a balancing, opposing article if needs be. _The Privileges of Purity_ or some such. You can tell them Sirius Black is willing to produce a counter-piece."

"You'd be willing to write under your own name?" she asked, astounded.

He nodded. "_Only_ if this is published as well. Don't suggest it unless they refuse to publish Confessions."

"It will have to be good, Sirius."

Sirius looked affronted. "When have I ever given you substandard work?"

"Never, dear, never. I didn't mean to imply—I mean…"

"You don't think I can write a convincing piece about the privileges of my status?"

"I'm just saying," she placated, "that it might be more difficult than you think. You might not realise how you daily benefit from being… well... what you've _always_ been."

Meaning she suspected he took everything for granted, like every other spoiled aristocrat.

As he left the edifice (leaving the replacement chandeliers intact) he admitted that he did feel a sense of superiority, but that was because he was simply a superior being. However, he knew his 'colleagues' at the meetings (though it might be more accurately described as 'brothers' as he was somehow related to most of them anyway) profited from advantages that they didn't deserve because of their pedigrees. Next time he found himself in their company he would do some research. He would set out to discover these bonuses of birth, these privileges of purity, these benefits of blood. What was more, Sirius wasn't above using said benefits to get his answers, either. Perhaps he'd floo-call the Minister, get an opinion from him. That was something he could put on the list. _I can have an interview with the Minister on account of being born to people who behead house elves for the décor. _

He grinned. _This_, he decided, was going to be tremendously entertaining.

x

"Darlene?" James called, holding on to both sides of the doorframe and leaning in so he _technically _wasn't entering her office without permission. His feet were still outside the door. "Darlene, darling, you there?"

It was time for his scheduled "spontaneous visit" to the Muggle Studies teacher. She wasn't that bad, really. Not anymore. Now that she thought she had him, she was quite bearable. Of course, James had insisted they 'take things slow' as he'd 'just come out of a serious relationship.' Dippet had assumed he meant with Agatha Argyle, and James didn't correct her.

"James, I wasn't expecting you," she said, immerging from the back room, a bit flustered.

"I wasn't aware I needed to make an appointment," he said with a playful grin. "I was just checking up on you, seeing how you were. But if you're busy…"

"No!" She cleared her throat and said more calmly, "No, have a seat."

The chair to which she indicated was filled with papers. She flicked her wand, no doubt to clear the seat for him, but instead sent the papers flying into the air.

"Damn," she cried, her cheeks burning as she dropped to her knees to collect the parchment by hand. James stooped to help but she waved him off. He ignored this and helped anyway.

"Tricky charm that one," he commented. "Number of times I've done the same thing…" This was only to make Dippet feel better, though, as he couldn't ever recall messing up the simple spell, even when he was learning it for the first time in his fourth year.

He made a special effort not to compare her charms-work to Lily's, as the comparison wouldn't be fair; his redhead seemed preternaturally skilled with them.

"So…" Dippet began, having placed the pile on her desk. James wondered how she found anything. His own desk, both at Auror Headquarters and at Hogwarts, were strictly organised. "How's work?"

James sighed, and stretched out, making himself as comfortable as the chair would allow. "Students seem distracted. I'm pushing them harder and harder, but I feel like they are retreating somehow. It's denial, almost. They just don't want to think about the dark arts."

"Can't say I do either," Dippet commented. "Can you blame them, James?"

"How d'you mean?"

"Well, they're just children. Why should they have to be involved in something so… unpleasant?"

"Because," James countered. "Because it's the world they live in."

"They live in Hogwarts. We've made a safe haven for them here. They don't _have_ to worry about the outside world."

"Well they won't be here forever. They'll have to leave at some stage and it'll be a harsh reality that will confront them. It's better to prepare them."

Dippet pursed her lips, obviously afraid to share her opinion. James found it annoying that she wasn't fully participating in the conversation. Lily would argue her point until it was proven. She wouldn't just concede or refuse to continue.

He shook his head clear of her as Dippet changed the topic.

"How's work with the aurory?"

Merlin, just thinking about it made him exhausted. "Fine," he replied shortly. "What about you? How's classes?" This had been the reason he'd popped by in any case. He wanted to know how her efforts in the Ministry were going.

"My third years are behaving well for the first time all year. Fourth years are just as bad as ever, and the fifth years and above have seemed to have lost interest in the subject. I know that O.W.L's and N.E.W.T's are coming up, and that Muggle Studies is considered an easy class because it's not practical, but still, it bothers me that the students don't care."

"Perhaps," James suggested, "It's not the class but the material they've decided isn't worth it. I mean, have you been reading the Prophet? Muggle Studies isn't the most popular subject right now."

She sighed. "I know, but—"

"How're your efforts going in the Ministry? Get anything going?"

"Well, I haven't got as many signatures as I'd like. Some people I know who _are_ sensitive to the issue are reluctant to put their names down. They say they don't want to cause trouble."

"I don't think I've signed it yet," James pointed out. "Do you have it with you?"

"Did you not?" she asked, confused. Ruffling through the piles of parchment on her desk she continued, "I thought for certain you had. Ah. Here."

She handed him a scroll, which he unrolled.

Of course he had already signed; he just wanted to see how many signatures there were, and who was on it. It was a disappointing list. Not _nearly_ close enough.

"Say, mind if I take this to London?" he asked. "Some of the aurors will sign, I'm sure."

"Go ahead. Careful though. That's the only legitimate copy. That parchment was charmed by the Ministry. Signatures are only valid if they are on that one. If it gets lost…"

"I won't lose it," he assured her, rolling it up and putting it in his pocket.

James considered handing it around during the next Order meeting, but dismissed the idea. It would be handing the opposition a list of their members. He understood where others were coming from when they said they didn't want to put their name down. It was the same reason he suspected that many purebloods didn't want to be seen associating with muggleborns after curfew. It wasn't a crime for them, but they would be tainted by association.

"Have you given your of-age students the chance to sign?" he enquired, recalling that none of their signatures were there.

"Yes," she replied laconically.

"Ah." Well, Lily wouldn't be afraid to sign. It wouldn't add any more to the danger she was in already. James wondered if that sixth year Gryffindor muggleborn was of age yet. "Still, it's a really good thing you're doing. Good to know that at least_ someone _has the courage to do it." He stood, beaming at her. "Strange the Sorting Hat didn't put you in Gryffindor," he said, which was pretty much the most flattering thing he could say to someone who _wasn't_ of his house.

She grinned back, pleased, and he leant over to kiss the top of her head. "Keep up the good work." He started for the door, but stopped when she called after him.

"Leaving already?"

"I have seventh years next period. Need to set up. I'll see you at dinner though."

James trotted off to his classroom, taking the steps two at a time, looking forward to the day's lesson. He was actually rather proud of his plan for them that afternoon.

He'd only got through half of his lecture when the owl came…

x

McGonagall had finished her lecture and Lily was lazily transfiguring a sow's ear into silk and back again, slightly bored. When Minerva passed by her table again, she allowed Lily to start her homework, which she completed and handed in before class was over. Earlier in the year she hadn't had any time at all. Now, it seemed like Lily spent most of her time by herself and got everything done. Her workload had become manageable, now that her time was mostly her own.

Charms was equally unchallenging, as it was just a review of frigorific spells. As in Transfiguration, she completed her essay in class, which left the rest of her afternoon completely free. Deciding to do some study for N.E.W.T's, she headed to the library.

She chatted briefly with Madame Pince before settling herself at a table, using all the available space to spread out her books and notes. Lily hadn't been working all that long when she heard someone else enter the library. Looking up, she saw the Gryffindor Quidditch captain, for that's how she considered Davies even though Quidditch had been cancelled for the rest of the year.

"Hallo Colum," she greeted, then frowned. "Shouldn't you be in Defence Against the Dark Arts?"

He nodded, but waited until he got closer before speaking. He placed a hip on her desk and whispered. "Class was cancelled. Professor Potter got an owl mid-lecture and dismissed everyone immediately. Bad news, by the look of it. I looked for you first in your room but you weren't there, so I gave the library a shot."

Lily stood, already putting her things away. "He asked you to get me?"

Colum looked away awkwardly. "Not exactly, no. But… I mean… I thought…" Davies gave a one-shoulder shrug and sighed. "You should go."

She eyed him, torn between bemusement and panic at Davies' suggestion. What notion of his had prompted his coming to get her? _Did he suspect?_ She tried to read for clues in his face but didn't find any answers. But nor, she was relieved to note, did she detect any hint of judgement. Whatever he had concluded, he didn't hold it against her. She didn't have time to dwell on it further, though, as she was eager to leave for James' classroom.

"Thanks Colum," she said, heaving her bag over her shoulder.

He nodded, giving her a small tentative but encouraging smile and she left, her feet flying over the flagstones.

The door to his classroom yawned openly and she stopped before she reached it to catch her breath. Once she stopped panting, she tiptoed forward. She saw James perfectly framed by the doorway; sitting on the chair at his desk, his face hidden in his hands, elbows on his knees.

She didn't even know what was wrong but already her heart was breaking for him. Was it Sirius? Remus? She almost didn't want to know, and for a moment she just stood there, watching him.

Eventually she stepped through into the classroom, letting her bag slide off her shoulder. Slowly, cautiously, she approached him. He heard her and looked up, and seeing who it was simply put his head back down. Reaching out she stroked his hair, letting the playful curls wind round her fingers as she passed her hand through them. James let out a shuddering sigh and let her carry on for a bit before slowly reaching up and grabbing her around the middle, pressing his head against her sternum, arms wrapped more tightly round her as he nuzzled in.

Lily continued to stroke slowly, breathe slowly, forcing an appearance of calmness, cradling his head to her middle.

Someone was dead. He didn't say it, but the truth oozed from him, dark and sticky, and now she was fixed to him.

It was then she saw the parchment on the desk, the owl he must have received during the lesson that bore the bad tidings. She couldn't read the actual words but she saw the Magical Law Enforcement letterhead. Not Sirius or Remus then, but an auror. But which?

Behind her, the door squeaked slowly closed, latching softly. Lily hadn't shut it, and she knew it hadn't been James, but he chose that moment to speak so the mystery of the door went un-investigated.

"Agatha," he said. "And Fabian."

Lily let out a shuddering breath and held him tighter.

"It wasn't authorised. He just… went off on his own and Aggie…. Aggie was his partner. You always protect your partner, that's your first priority." The last bit he spoke more firmly, as if it were the one reasonable thing he could cling to, something he understood and perhaps the only thing he could appreciate about the situation. Two comrades down; one died doing her duty.

She stopped combing and lowered herself so that she sat on his knee, wrapping her arms around him to reciprocate the hug. He tucked his chin over her shoulder and just rested there for a time. Lily didn't know how devastated he was about this. Fabian she might be able to safely guess, but she had no real estimation of how much he cared for his ex-partner/girlfriend. She suspected that it was Argyle's status as partner that would be more painful to him. She recalled his telling her, a long time ago it seemed, that there was a closeness between partners, male or female, that was more intimate than that of lovers. Putting your life into someone else's hands, knowing that they will do anything to protect you, knowing that sometimes, your partner is the only person you have on your side… it was an intense relationship. It was no wonder that partners often became lovers, with the profound bond they shared.

In fact, it was her partnership with James in the Order that ultimately led to their being romantically involved.

"How did it happen?" she asked. Although she didn't really want the details, she felt as if James needed to unburden himself; there was a weight of unexpressed woe, anger, bitterness, and loss. He might not want to talk about it, but he needed an outlet of some kind, of that she was sure. If he didn't seem so tired, slumped against her in sagging exhaustion, she would even have been willing to let him duel out his frustration and pain, despite her rule never to fight him again.

"Fabian had been…. I don't know, a bit fey lately. I think he'd lost it."

"He went mad?" she asked, surprised. Surely they wouldn't keep him on as an auror if he'd lost his wits.

James shook his head. "Not his mind. Lost his will to live. Merlin knew he was depressed. I think this was his way of ending it without actually turning his wand on himself."

Lily gulped, not having been aware that Fabian was suicidally grief-stricken. A painful thought, but understandable.

"If he wanted to join Gideon then that's his business, but he didn't have to drag Aggie down with him." Here was the first drop of venom, of resentment, of sullen hostility. While she wanted him to excise these demons, she also felt the need to defend Fabian.

"I can't believe he would bring her into a situation he himself didn't intend to live through," Lily opined, though tentatively. "It doesn't sound like him."

"No, he didn't tell her to go with him but he should have known Agatha wouldn't let him go by himself! He should have known she'd find out and follow! He should have thought about what he would be bringing her into!"

She could feel the twitching energy building up in his thigh muscles beneath her, so she stood, allowing him to get up and pace. His was moving smoothly into the aggressive phase of grief. Lily hoped he wouldn't hurt himself, as he'd done in the past.

"Fuck!" he shouted, starting to pace his classroom. "What was he thinking? What the hell, was the bloody fool thinking? Getting people killed because he couldn't—" James growled, unable to grasp the right words quickly enough. "Selfish, unthinking bastard! That feckless prick!"

He kicked out at a chair, which skidded a distance before colliding noisily with the wall before toppling. James resumed his furious pacing. "Didn't he consider that the Order needed all the wands it could get? The aurory isn't exactly handing out redundancy slips either! Self-centred fool! Did he think that we didn't need both of them? How could he possibly think he would be better off gone? Why would he do that? Why?"

After a moment she realised that he wasn't just ranting rhetorically anymore, but that he was asking _her_.

Lily licked her lips and swallowed. "I imagine he simply couldn't bear it," she said softly. "He lost something, someone, that was such a big part of him knowing that part could never be replaced..." She swallowed again, this time more painfully. "Walking around a hollow shell of the person you used to be and thinking that the pain will _never_ go away… Well, it's easier to stop than go on."

James stared at her as if seeing a strange and grotesque creature instead of herself.

"I can't believe you're saying that." Though he spoke quite softly, it was still an emphatic statement. He could just as well have bellowed it.

"What?"

He descended upon her, taking her by the shoulders and shaking her, repeating, "I can't believe you're _saying_ that. You've never… you wouldn't…" He let go of her abruptly and spun around, storming away for a few paces before whirling back and approaching her again. He looked like he'd gone mad and she had no idea what he was going on about. "Never say that again. Don't even _think_ it. I don't care what happens, you are never to contemplate, never entertain, never even consider the idea ever again. No matter who of us might not make it, you just have to keep going. Always," he demanded. "We _all_ just have to… _keep going_."

She stopped breathing and her palms began to sweat. Now she knew what James was suggesting, what he suspected. But Lily hadn't contemplated, entertained or considered the idea of ending her own life since the initial loss of her parents. That guilty ache had lasted for so long, had seemed so unbearable at times that she'd thought of ending it, but clearly she never had. Even when she'd been partially cursed by the necklace, she hadn't _wanted_ to die, she'd just been aware and accepting that death would claim her eventually. She never _sought_ it, not even after she was free of it… not even when Roo had died.

_We all just have to keep going, _he'd said.

"That's what I've _been _doing," she replied calmly. To do otherwise would be to give up, which she simply couldn't bring herself to do, not when it was this important.

He studied her intensely, his gaze shifting its focus around her face, primarily from one eye to the other. He was searching for something, perhaps the promise, or at least proof of sufficient resilience. She wanted to tell him that as long as she had him, she could handle anything.

She didn't.

She wanted to tell him a great many things.

She couldn't.

"But perhaps Fabian wasn't able. Can you imagine losing your brother? Your _twin_ brother? Your best friend? I'm not saying that it was right or wrong, simply that it's understandable. I don't think he intended for anyone else to come to harm. Perhaps he chose this way of going out because he wanted to do one last thing for the aurory, for the Order." She shrugged. In reality she had no idea what he might have been thinking. She had no real insight into Fabian's last thoughts, after all. This was all useless speculation.

"They did manage take out four Death Eaters between them," James disclosed, nodding his head in slow but proud acknowledgement of the achievement.

They fell quiet for a time.

"You all right?" she asked, when really she should have asked, 'are you better?'

He nodded and gave her a one-armed hug from the side. "Tea at Hagrid's?" he suggested.

x

"How are you feeling?" Sirius asked when he came home that afternoon. Remus had heard him coming in, but didn't bother to lift his arm from over his face to look. The light hurt his eyes, and he ached in all his joints. He could feel with perfect acuity each enflamed knuckle of both his hands, begging to be cracked only so that they might swell just a bit further, hurt just a bit more, and beg to be cracked again.

"Mmmmrgh," Remus replied. His mouth tasted horrible, not dry with dehydration but sticky, syrupy with the flavour of morning breath, despite it being near sunset. No amount of pure drinking water or the fieriest of whisky would help. The onset of dog-breath. His body knew as well as his mind did what was coming. All of it—the joints, the knuckles, the breath, the shin-splints, the nocturnal eyes protesting to light, the fever, precursor to the heightened body temperature of a canine, the burning nasal passages, the throat tightening as if to suppress tears—was his body's futile attempt to prepare itself for its impending trauma.

His friends all knew that he was poorly before Transformation, but they thought he just got ill with cold or flu. He'd never corrected them, never described what it was like to have the wolf slowly sink its claws into him before the moon was actually full. It was all part of the sickness. Then when the moon finally started to wane again the wolf would slowly retreat from him, clawing agonisingly slowly as it left, down his spine, beneath his shoulder blades and kneecaps, and most perversely, the aching coccyx, ghost tail that he felt but knew was no longer there.

No, he'd never mentioned that to anyone.

Sirius killed all the lights in the room, drew the blinds but opened the window, allowing in a cool breeze. Remus sighed in appreciation.

"Look mate, I'm not going to be here tonight. What say you to staying over at the castle, hmm? House elves waiting on you, and all that?"

Remus understood that to mean he was being politely evicted.

"Alright. I'll get out of your way," he said, suppressing a groan as he pushed himself off the couch, each vertebra popping in the process of straightening. They wanted to hunch.

"I'm not telling you to shove off, Moony, I just think you'd be more comfortable up there. Closer to the Shack, the forest, not to mention a concerned redhead to soothe your fevered brow. Merlin knows I'm not going to."

"I can't impose on her like that."

"She won't mind, she loves being imposed upon."

"And if she's busy?"

"She'll work around you if she needs to."

Remus frowned, considering the pros and cons. "Mirror James before you go making plans," he suggested.

x

"No thanks, Hagrid. Honestly couldn't hold another bite," she said, smiling as she put her hand on her full stomach. She rubbed it contentedly.

Tea had stretched through the afternoon into supper and Lily and James were finishing their meal of steak and potatoes. A simple meal, but delicious all the same. Lily was ashamed to find herself surprised that she actually enjoyed it. She loved Hagrid, but not his cooking. A shared conspiratorial glance with James had shown he had been likewise pleasantly surprised, and they were hard pressed not to expose themselves by laughing.

"Thanks, Hagrid. Top notch." James leaned back and sighed. "Merlin, I need to do some exercise. Fancy a small walk before we go back to the castle?" he asked, nodding to Lily.

"Sounds like a good idea," she replied, wondering if he might have another reason for wanting to leave, or if it was just the simple excursion he claimed. She wouldn't be surprised if he wanted to stop at the Quidditch pitch to fly off the day's bad news. She knew the freedom an hour on a broom gave him, and the lightening effect it had on heavy hearts.

"Sure ye won't ave more?" Hagrid asked, trying to press more portions upon them.

She declined once more and after fond farewells and promises to meet up later, James and Lily stepped out into the cold evening air.

They'd barely made it out of Hagrid's garden when James answered the mirror call.

"Think you can find the lady for me?" Sirius began without preamble. James' eyebrows rose in curiosity.

"I don't have to find her; we've both just left Hagrid's."

"Go on, then."

Curious but compliant, James handed the mirror to her. "Sirius," she greeted.

"Noswaith dda, Cariad." (His Welsh was improving, she noted with pleasure.) "How would you like having a house guest this evening?"

She smirked. "Not tonight, darling, I have a headache," she answered sarcastically. She wanted to stick with James, make sure he'd be all right.

"Liar. Though it's not me, it's Remus who'll do you the honour."

"Oh, well that's changes things then," she said. And it honestly did, this close to the full moon. "When can I expect him?"

"Round about now," was his easy reply.

"James and I were just about to go for a walk. We could meet him in the village."

Turning his face away from the mirror, he asked. "You alright to apparate, Moony?" She couldn't hear the response, but Sirius nodded and said, "He'll be right there."

"Wait! Wait till we mirror and say we've arrived. It may be dark by the time we get there. Remus can't be waiting all alone with MLE around waiting to pick up anyone out after curfew."

Sirius nodded. "Good thinking. Hadn't considered that. I'll have to add it to my list."

"List?"

"I'll tell you later," he said, giving her a meaningful look. "Send word when you're there."

"Shouldn't be too long. We're leaving now."

"Righto."

The connection ended and she handed the mirror back to James, the smile falling from her face.

"Do you think he's ill?" she asked, worried.

"Moony, you mean?"

"Why else would Sirius bring him to the castle, this close to the full moon? To be close to the Hospital Wing, should it be necessary?"

"Remus is always ill before and after, you know that."

"Yes, but he doesn't come to the castle until it's nearly time to transform. Why now? A full 24 hours before the moonrise?"

James shrugged, his lips twisting slightly in concern.

A powerful gust of wind assaulted them, stealing Lily's scarf and trying to make away with it.

"Hey!" she cried, charging after it. James, who had the faster reflexes born of Quidditch and perfected in auror training, snatched it out of the air before it went too far.

"Thanks," she breathed.

"Wouldn't want to lose this," he said, rubbing the dark golden material between thumb and forefinger. "It's quite nice. Silk, is it?"

Perhaps Lily was over sensitive about being of limited means, especially compared to Sirius and James, but she thought she detected a hint of suspicion in his voice. As if he weren't really asking if it were silk, but how _she_ came by such a nice expensive item.

She shook her head. No, James wasn't that nasty minded. _She_ clearly was though.

"Yes it is," she answered. "Sirius gave it to me."

Now she _knew_ she wasn't imagining it. She could tell by the way his nostrils flared and his jaw clenched. "Oh really?" he said, casual voice in contrast to the strain of his face. Casualness shifted to derisiveness when he remarked sarcastically, "How he dotes on you," as if Sirius were some sort of maiden aunt who liked to spoil her.

Actually, Lily was rather glad Sirius _didn't_ dote on her. When she was given a present whose value she had no chance of matching in a return gift, Lily felt guilty and inadequate. She _hated_ feeling inadequate. That was why she refused so strongly when James tried to give her things. He'd succeeded with a Quidditch jumper and a broom, but for the most part, she had kept him from spending gold on her.

"Hardly," she returned. "It was a peace-offering after the other night." Seeing James didn't understand she added, "After the experiment with my mark?" She gestured to the crimson band and added guiltily, "He stormed out after..." _He called me a mudblood and meant it. _"I think it was just his way of apologising."

"Oh." His eyebrows (drawn so close together as to form one line) parted ways, and his cloudy forehead lost several of its ominous creases. The threat of a storm blew over.

Lily thought that despite James swearing up and down that he didn't get jealous, that it did bother him that another man had given her a present, even if it was only Sirius. A suppressed grin tickled her lips. He still cared. He hadn't done anything to try to get her back, and he'd all but said that they would never be able to reconcile their differences, but despite himself, he still cared. She was enormously relieved, as _she'd_ never stopped caring. She didn't think she was _capable_ of stopping.

She debated whether or not to point out that Sirius never gave nice things to women he planned to bed, then decided against it. James probably knew better than she did Sirius' style. And she_ hoped_ he knew that she wouldn't sleep with anyone.

For some reason known only to imps of the perverse, a question spurted from her mouth before she could stop it. "How far have you got with Dippet?" She wanted to ask where that question had come from but she knew perfectly well. _Speaking of sleeping with other people… have _you?

She grimaced, wishing she could take it back.

"Oh she's got a petition going but not nearly enough signatures. The ball's rolling, but there's a decided lack of momentum. Afraid it'll be an uphill push."

Lily sighed with relief (that he had interpreted her question in such a way) though she didn't doubt it sounded like a sigh of despair (at the negative news) though she _was_ disappointed to hear it.

"Oh?"

He rumpled his hair. "Yeh. I've got it with me. I was going to take it to work, try to get a few more at my end. Now I suppose… I suppose I could take it to the funerals."

They'd been carefully avoiding the topic of Agatha and Fabian, but he was still thinking about it. Unsurprisingly.

She didn't know whether it would be rude to ask mourners to sign a petition, but she didn't want manners to get in the way of human rights either, so she said nothing.

"Patrols tonight," he commented, changing the topic.

"I know."

"Want to switch tonight so you can stay with Remus? Perhaps Flitwick or Sinistra would be willing. I could ask."

"Let's see how he's doing before we make any arrangements," she suggested.

"Alright. The signal will be Hagrid's rock cakes."

She nodded. "Got it."

They'd done this sort of thing before in various situations. This time, if either of them felt Remus was too ill to be on his own, one of them would somehow slip Hagrid's rock cakes into the conversation, and the other would know the plan: that James would find a replacement for her patrols and she would stay with Remus. Simple, effective, and it obviated any arguments with Remus on the subject.

It was a good idea of Lily's to wait, as it turned out, for the sun had set by the time they got there. When James mirrored of their arrival, Remus arrived only a moment later with a loud crack. He looked weak, but not ill, as Sirius had made her fear.

"How are things?" Remus asked politely.

Lily didn't reply but looked to James, who only grew stone-faced. Remus quickly picked up on it and didn't pursue the line of questioning. Lily would tell him later, perhaps. Still, as it was clear that James was lost in his own sad thoughts, Lily engaged Remus in innocuous conversation, keeping away from topics that might make James feel worse.

"So, kitchens or my rooms first?" she asked.

They had had to slow their steps to match Remus' shaky pace, and Lily thought perhaps he wouldn't mind sitting and resting a bit before having to climb any stairs.

"Food," was his answer, and Lily nodded, meeting James' eyes.

There was no mention of Hagrid's rock cakes.

James waited until his friend had started his stew before saying, "Sorry I can't stick around, Moony. I've got some work to do before patrols tonight. I'll catch up with you later?"

Remus nodded, and Lily, before she could stop herself, reached out and gave James' hand a squeeze. He pursed his lips at he met her eyes, squeezing tightly back before letting go and heading quickly for the door.

Remus frowned, putting down his spoon.

"Alright. What's happened?" he asked seriously.

Lily sighed. No point in being tactful now that James was gone. "Agatha Argyle and Fabian Prewitt both died. Death Eaters."

Remus' face became grimly still as he processed the information. "Ah," he said after a time. "How did he take it?"

Lily shrugged. "I wasn't there when the owl arrived. James suspects Fabian _wanted_ it. James was..." Lily paused, wondering if this was betraying a confidence. Would he mind if Remus knew of his initial reaction to the news? "Well, he was a bit angry, to tell the truth. It wasn't an approved mission and where Fabian went Agatha followed and they both ended up..." She cleared her throat. "I think it will be a while before James can forgive him for that."

Remus nodded in understanding. "They were partners for two years. Quite close, inseparable, for a time." He grimaced. "Sorry. Does it bother you to hear?"

Lily shook her head. "No."

It wasn't exactly true; it did bother her but not in the way Remus imagined it might. It bothered her to hear how painful it must be to James. All the same, she changed the subject.

"You better eat that before it gets cold," she said. That remonstration might have done well enough in her parents' house, but in the magical world, heating up your meal was just a quick flick of the wand. All the same, Remus dutifully tucked in, dropping all conversation.

x

When they returned to Lily's rooms, the fire was not, Remus noted thankfully, a roaring blaze but just smouldering embers. Remus immediately sank into the sofa while she crossed the room to give her owl a few strokes in greeting.

While she was on that side of the room, she turned on the wireless, letting a slow, brassy song float into the room like smoke. There were no words but it was unmistakably a love song. One of the slightly older ones, the 30's or 40's by the sound of it. He lifted his hips a bit in order to scoot his bum closer to the end of the couch, leaned back and put up his feet. Perhaps it was the tune, but he was in the rare mood for a cigarette.

"You wouldn't happen to have any woodbines, would you?" The words were out of his mouth before he'd really thought about them. The moment he had voiced his impulsive desire, it seemed so absurd a request. He should have kept his mouth shut.

She puffed up her cheeks and then pushed out the air in a comical sigh that might have been her pretending to be exhaling smoke. Then she stood up. "I don't know. I'll see if I can find some for you."

She was gone, out the portrait hole before he could tell her not to go into any trouble, leaving Remus to twiddle his thumbs (figuratively, of course, as he felt too arthritic for any unnecessary movement) until she returned.

When she did, Lily tossed a tiny bundle into his lap, plopped down next to him and stared moodily at the fire, her arms crossed over her chest.

They were wrapped in a sort of envelope of brown paper, tied up with twine. He opened the flap and withdrew a woodbine, or whatever it was. "Uh… cheers," he said. He wanted to ask where she got them but was reluctant for some reason. "I didn't mean to put you out," he told her. "You didn't have to."

Her face came out of its trance as she looked at him, features warming into a smile, then a decided smirk. "Anything for you, Remus."

"I don't know what I've done to deserve such loyalty," he mocked, "but I appreciate it all the same."

She chuckled and flicked her wand. Remus judged it to be a summoning spell and sure enough, something came whizzing into the room a moment later.

"Lighter," Lily explained. "Got these over Christmas. Part of the supplies when James, Sirius and I went to Dover. Easier than transfiguring a match or putting your face in the fireplace."

She clicked the thing and a tiny flame appeared. She held it to the end of his cigarette to light it.

_Oh, Circe, yes… That was good._

He sucked in the burn, revelled in the pain of it as it ignited his throat and filled his lungs. This was a different kind a pain, though; it was one he _chose_. That made it better. Wonderful, even. And it torched his wolf-breath.

"I got them from Roo's old room," she said, answering the question he hadn't wanted to ask. "He and a few other lads on the Quidditch team thought they'd pick it up. Turned out none of them liked it. The pack remained untouched on his bookshelf until now. His parents took his trunk. Lucky for you he didn't keep them there."

Remus didn't know how he felt about smoking a dead boy's cigarettes.

"In any case I'm glad _someone_ is making use of them. I do so hate for things to go to waste," she added.

"More than happy to oblige." Since he couldn't think of anything else to add to his already pathetic little speech, he took another drag. He noticed the music again. He doubted it had actually stopped while he was busy thinking about something else, but it certainly seemed to have suddenly turned back on the moment he thought to listen for it again.

"It still hurts," she said, leaning her head onto his shoulder. "Not having him." Remus didn't know how to respond except to put his arm around her shoulder. "Want a drink?" she asked.

"Later," he said. No point in ruining a perfectly good fire on his tongue by muddling it. "So," he said, exhaling and fixing her with a knowing look with a hint of a smile. "On a scale of one to ten, how badly are you panicking?"

x

In the intervening hours between dinner and patrols, James settled down in his office, resolved to catch up on marking. His third years had done remarkably well as a whole on the latest written test and he was astounded by the depth of his sixth year essays. Seventh and fifth years on the other hand were not doing as well as he'd hoped. Perhaps it was the upcoming O.W.L's and N.E.W.T's, or perhaps it was simply his fault for not devoting enough time to them. James felt a pang of regret at having cancelled yet another lesson today, depriving them of desperately needed class time. He had so much he wanted to teach them, stuff both from the syllabus and beyond, but he'd never get through all of it in time.

_In time for exams or in time for them to enter the real world?_

Miserably, James removed his spectacles and rubbed his face with a leaden hand. Merlin, he felt like such a failure. What chance did these children really have in the real world? If confronted with a Death Eater, James wasn't confident that any of his 7th years would make it out of a duel alive… save Lily, for she had done that several times already. But she wasn't technically his student anymore, nor did he feel he could justly take credit for her skills in any case. If Agatha and Fabian couldn't even hold their own... what chance did students have?

James was seized with the idea that he needed more duelling practice with his seventh years, and he wanted to make sure that they all had passed their apparition test, so that they could escape any situation immediately should they need it. It was the best chance they had.

He groaned, thinking that he and Lily had yet to get that map out of the Ministry's Research Room. _They_ could still track everyone's movements if using magical transportation.

"You useless, sodding, good-for-nothing," James insulted himself. He needed to refocus his efforts on that map. It seemed an impossible task to remove it unnoticed, which was no doubt the intention of whoever put it there. The security of that room had been designed to be water tight but there had to be _some_ way without casting a single spell.

Replacing his glasses with a sigh, he returned to marking essays with a mind of revising his lesson plans for the rest of the year. Perhaps less academic revision for exams and even more practical defensive (and perhaps offensive) spell-casting.

At a quarter to eleven, James set aside his stack of unmarked essays and the pile of parchment of completed new syllabi and accompanying lesson plans for his 5th, 6th, and 7th years.

Rather than meet Lily at the front doors of the castle, he decided to stop off at her room to greet Remus and see how he was getting on, and to see if she'd left yet.

When he entered, the smell of smoke wafted over him. It was pleasant, but unexpected coming from Lily's quarters. She sat in the armchair, reading aloud from a book in her lap while Remus lay sprawled along the couch, one arm dangled off the side of the couch, a fag held carelessly between two fingers, his other arm draped over his eyes.

She glanced up at James quickly and smiled, holding up a finger while finishing the paragraph she was reading. He didn't recognise the precise passage, but the character's name sounded familiar.

"I'll be back," she told Remus when she'd come to a stopping point, closing the book on a ribbon to mark the page and setting the volume on the table.

"I'll be asleep," he replied with a wan smile. Lily lifted up his arm so she could charm a cool cloth for his forehead. "I could do that myself, you know," Remus pointed out, bringing the incredibly short cigarette to his lips. It looked to James as if that would be the final drag.

"You could but you don't," she chided affectionately. She dropped a kiss on his brow before putting the cloth back and draping his arm back over his eyes. "Goodnight."

A moment later and all the lights in the room extinguished themselves.

It was only after he silently left the room with Lily that James wondered if Remus even knew he'd been there.

"What were you reading?" he asked, making conversation.

"_Cry of the Augury._ Know it?"

He shrugged. "Guess not."

"It's Remus' favourite."

"Ah." Yes, he remembered now. He'd never actually read it, but he'd been told the tale a couple times in his earlier years at Hogwarts.

"Get much work done?" she asked.

He held out his hand palm down and tilted it back and forth in a 'so-so' gesture. "Redid lesson plans for the rest of term for the fifth through seventh years. Actually, I was wondering if I could run them by you, see what you think."

"Fire away," she invited smilingly.

For half an hour, they discussed the academics of Defence Against the Dark Arts, exchanging suggestions, questions, concerns and ideas. To his astonishment, he was verily smiling by that point, the back and forth so easy yet stimulating he couldn't help feeling a trifle better. He didn't hesitate to mention even his more tentative ideas and questions, knowing she'd give it fair consideration, even if she did shoot it down in the end.

_He missed this_. _Her. _He shouldn't but he did.

She was expounding on a teaching concept with enthusiastic detail when James admitted, "Pity you aren't in class anymore." She blinked at him for a few moments before he added, "You're good for the others. You ask good questions, set a good example."

She didn't reply to this at all, or not in words, at any rate. Her response was to look down at her feet, pressing her lips firmly together to ensure her silence. James forbore to press the subject, which was just as well, because Peeves chose that moment to launch an assault of mothballs he'd no doubt spent hours collecting from various cupboards about the castle. Lily and James had no trouble redirecting the barrage right back at Peeves, who ducked, swooped, and eventually flew away cackling.

"Hmm, it seems Peeves's antics are less inspired as of late," Lily noted with limited curiosity.

"I think everyone is feeling a bit dull these days," James replied, feeling rather dreary himself. He'd come to terms with having lost two great aurors; he'd accepted it, but acknowledging the fact only depressed him. He'd have been better off angry, he thought.

Pointing his wand at the mess on the floor, James started to clear away the moth balls, but Lily put a hand on his, pushing his wand back to his side.

"Leave it," she said. "Give Filch something to do."

"I'm sure he has enough on his task-list," James argued.

"Miserable git deserves it."

James frowned in confusion. "That's rather mean-spirited," he said. "What's got into you?"

"Nothing. It's just Filch, that's all."

"You always give him a hard time?"

"You _knew _that," she pointed out. He supposed he did. Thinking back, his first non-academic conversation with Lily had been about a prank she had pulled on Filch. He'd seen and heard of these little slings before, jibes at Filch but he'd never put it down to spite before, just general mischievousness.

"What have you got against him?"

"He's got something against me. He picked on me since my first year. He's got it out for all muggleborns, I think."

"Why on earth would he have it out for you? He's a squib, for pity's sake. They are put down just as unfairly as muggleborns. More than likely he hates you for you. You can't blame your blood for everything."

"I don't blame my blood for everything!" she shouted, offended. "Filch _does_ hate muggleborns. He said so himself! He says what right do muggle babies have to magic. I swear, he blames muggleborns for the existence of squibs. He thinks we took the magic that ought to have been his birthright."

"What?" James asked, trying to make sense of it.

"He's bitter that I have magic and he doesn't. He thinks he deserves it and I don't, because of who our parents are."

James thought about it a moment. "Huh..." It did make a sort of sense, the randomness of who is and isn't born with magic. He could even see why Filch resented muggleborns, though of course it was complete nonsense to hold it against anyone for something that was clearly out of their control. They'd hardly, as babes in the womb, _stolen_ magic from another child born to a witch and wizard. These things were simply random, capricious. Or at least, he assumed as much. No one really knew how muggleborns got their magic. There might be some sort of explanation, though no one had found it yet. Or if they had, they weren't talking about it.

James' mind jumped quickly and unintentionally to his father, who had been an Unspeakable. Not once in James' entire life had he ever known what his father had been working on. For all he knew, Charlus Potter might have held the secret to muggleborn magic.

He'd never know.

By the time he'd shaken his head clear of his father he saw that all the mothballs were gone, and the floor gleamed slightly from being freshly cleaned. He raised an eyebrow at Lily who pouted at him as she flicked her wand one last time. A drying spell, he noted.

"What?" she said, a bit petulantly, like a child who has been forced to apologise.

"Nothing," he said with a slight grin. "I know it isn't at all the same thing, but I can almost understand. Remember the time I couldn't do magic for a week?"

"You were rather cantankerous."

"Exactly. I'd hate to go my whole life watching other people do magic when I couldn't. I'd definitely be bitter."

Lily's expression turned from huffy to gloomy. "Petunia..." she began, then stopped herself.

James, who usually had to drag information about her sister out of her, urged her to go on.

"She was really horrible for a bit, about my magic. I thought she hated it. Actually she had written a letter to Dumbledore to ask if she could come to Hogwarts too. I felt so guilty after that. I told her I'd gladly share my magic with her once I learned how to, but she said she didn't want any of my dirty magic anyway, and that was the end of that. It was a while before I convinced myself my magic wasn't dirty. Filch with his taunts didn't help, all that "undeserving, thieving little scamp" rubbish.

"He said that to you?" he asked, incredulous.

She nodded. "I never paid him any mind until Petunia called me a freak for having magic. Strangely enough, I'd never wondered _why_ I had magic, I was just so happy that I did. I hadn't considered it might not be a good thing..."

"It _is_ a good thing," he insisted.

"Oh, I know that now. After Easter of my first year I'd quite forgot about it and Pet and I went back to normal that summer. Well, relatively normal," she added with a shrug. "I remember thinking all the wonderful things I could do to help the world with my magic, until I learned about all the regulations and restrictions about magic in the muggle world. Still, at least I knew I could help my family, because they already knew about magic. I used to come home over the summers and tell my parents how much easier I could make their lives with the spells I was learning, once I was of age to perform them outside of school."

_Though they didn't live to see her 17__th__ birthday..._ James thought grimly. "You can still help your sister," he said, trying to sound optimistic.

"I plan to, once I've perfected my wards."

"The walking ones?"

"No, no. Another kind I'm trying."

"Like the _Inimicus_ you put on the castle? Those were pretty impressive."

She shook her head. "Not good enough. Those are more of an alarm system. I need something that will actually _protect_ her and her family from harm."

His brows furrowed. "But Lily, you've cast those dozens of times before. I've seen you do them."

Lily frowned in thought as well. "Remember when I was locked away in that dungeon room and you thought I'd died because the wards had fallen?"

James swallowed, found he couldn't get his voice to work properly and grunted his response. He was feeling a bit queer all of a sudden.

"That's the problem with wards, they fall when you do. What I need is something that will last even _after_ I die..." said she, with the most disturbing frown of puzzlement, as if the dying didn't upset her, but the thought of her wards failing did.

He found breathing slightly more difficult, imagining how life would be with Lily gone. James reminded himself that she wasn't cursed anymore but it didn't help. He felt his heart beating so erratically it physically hurt. He couldn't breathe. She went on speaking casually but James couldn't picture a casual life without her. He'd just lost two of his comrades. How could she talk about dying as if it didn't matter?

"It's death that's the problem," she went on, though James barely heard. "I want to be able to protect Petunia even when I'm no longer around. And while there are some wards that _seem _to last forever, like those of Hogwarts, that's not really how it works. Each new Headmaster takes up the task. I have theories of course but there's no way to test it. Well, dying of course, but there would be no revising it _afterwards_..."

He felt so faint and nauseous he couldn't keep walking. In a moment it came to him; _he_ was dying, even as she was talking about it. He fell into the wall, clutching at his chest, before sliding down to rest on the floor.

"James!" She was kneeling next to him, pulling out her wand doing some spell he didn't catch. "I'm going to get Madame Pomfrey!"

"No!" he gasped. "Stay with me. Stay."

He was going to vomit, but was so lightheaded he could barely…

"It's going to be alright," she said, holding him. "It'll be better soon."

And surprisingly, it was. His breath came slowly back to him, though his hands still tingled, and his heart was behaving. The certain fear of death had faded away and James wondered where on earth it had come from in the first place.

"I had an aunt who used to have panic attacks," Lily said, using her sleeve to wipe his brow before sitting down next to him rather than trying to get him up.

Was that what it had been? It had seemed so real so… imminent. A sense of overpowering doom that had completely overtaken him.

"Why did you never tell me about them?" she asked softly. There was no accusation there, perhaps a bit of pain, though.

James remembered feeling something similar the first time he'd entered his parents' house after his mother died. This seizure of the heart. He hadn't told anyone about it for fear it would make him seem weak. It had only ever happened a couple of times before that, and not nearly this severe. He'd never realised what they were.

"I… didn't know," he admitted, shaking his head. The last of the dizziness was gone.

She nodded, rubbing his back as if he had actually been sick. "I'm so sorry. It was my fault; I was being tactless, talking about that so soon after…" She bit her lip in self-reproach. "I wasn't thinking."

He realised that Lily thought he'd been thinking about Agatha and Fabian. He didn't tell her that that horrible episode hadn't been about past deaths, but future ones. He had only a few people in his life, and he couldn't afford to lose any of them.

"Don't tell anyone," he begged. He didn't need anyone knowing he came over queer at the mention of death. He'd lose both his jobs and his position in the Order.

"Of course not," she said, still rubbing his back.

.

They continued their patrol up to the Astronomy tower, knowing there was not a class there this evening and therefore some libidinous students might try to make use of it. They came upon no lusty couples, but Lily did spy a forgotten book of tables on the stone floor of the tower.

"Someone's left their ephemerides," she remarked, holding it up. James took it from her and flipped it open, reading the name by the light of the nigh-full moon.

"A Gryffindor. We can drop it in the common room on the way down," he said, though neither of them made for the trapdoor. Instead they just stood looking out at the Hogwarts grounds.

His mind went back to review this long day. The owl. The news. James sighed, thinking back over his time at the aurory. It had been six years since he and Agatha had been trainees together. He'd gone in directly out of Hogwarts. She had worked for two years at the Ministry before deciding to go into the Magical Law Enforcement. It seemed like such a long time ago, but not nearly long enough. It was too short a time. She was only 26. Had been, rather.

It was with a sharp pang that he realised that he would be the last person Agatha ever dated.

Lily seemed to be thinking along the same lines, because after a prolonged silence she asked, "What was she like?"

James didn't bother asking whom she meant, and her curiosity didn't bother him.

"I guess you never really knew Agatha, did you? Well, she didn't _really_ know you either, but that didn't stop her from disliking you." He snorted at that. "But I think that under different circumstances you might have been great friends."

"I knew enough about her to respect her," Lily said with certainty. "That's something."

James straightened slightly. "Oh?" As far as he knew, the only time Lily and Aggie had interacted was when the auror had tried to modify Lily's memory.

"Well, she did keep you alive for over a year. That would earn my respect if nothing else would," Lily said with a genuinely warm smile. Rather than being heartening, as it was clearly intended to be, it was heart_breaking. _Or maybe it wasn't Lily at all, just the sudden realisation that no matter how much Lily respected Agatha, it was now impossible for them to ever be co-workers, let alone friends. Worse (and what was probably the actual reason he was so upset) was that no matter what _he _did, he could never make things right with her. He'd recently apologised for behaving badly in their relationship, but that had been only the first step in what needed to be done to repair their broken friendship. When he saw her, he usually put those sorts of conversations off for another day. It hadn't seemed important. As it turned out, he'd completely missed his chance.

James leaned over the wall to rest his forearms on the crenellations, hiding his face by looking out at the grounds, though he didn't really see any of it.

Sensitive soul, Lily turned away from him. They still stood shoulder to shoulder but now faced opposite directions.

"Are you all right?"

He exhaled through his nostrils in a snort and shook his head. _No_.

"Do you want to stay with me tonight?" she asked.

It took a moment before what she was offering actually sank in. Spend the night with Lily? It was something his body had been dreaming of for over a month, and indeed, at the suggestion an arousal stirred slightly, as if a beast waking from sleep. He ignored it. Despite having used love-making in the past as their preferred _modus operandi _for coping with stressful or emotionally painful situations, James wouldn't, not tonight. He felt he owed it to Agatha, out of respect for her and in memory of what they'd had together. James felt it would be morally wrong to grieve for one ex-girlfriend by sleeping with another. Instead, he would hold a wake alone, keeping the candle lighted until the dawn interment.

"Thanks, but no thanks," he said, and put a hand on her shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "You're a good man, Evans." He knew that she really must be worried about him to make the offer. He could understand. That panic attack had been terrifying for both of them. He could see how careful she was now being around him. He wanted to tell her to forget it, he was fine now, but couldn't bring himself to do it.

She nodded in understanding and turned back around to face the same direction he did.

He looked over at her as she gazed far out over the Forbidden Forest. He turned his eyes in that direction too and for a long while they simply stood side by side, leaning against the parapets. For the first time since hearing the news, James felt a sort of serenity steal over him. The night had a platonic stillness to it, and next to him stood someone he knew would do anything for him. It was as if her offer had simplified things. Yes, Agatha and Fabian were gone. But he still had a loyal friend by his side. It didn't matter whether they were together or split up. However they defined themselves, in the end she was still there when he needed it, and he knew that at a word, Sirius, Peter and Remus would be there too. The thought was a tremendous solace.

x

In less than a stellar mood, Sirius strode into Lily's rooms the next morning just before dawn. Remus, he found sprawled out on the couch, a bit to Sirius' surprise. He'd have thought Lily would have offered the bed. Stopping briefly to feel his friend's brow—burning up, as usual—he replaced the cooling charm on the cloth before continuing on to Lily's room.

He didn't intend on letting her sleep anyway, so he didn't know why he bothered to tread softly up to her bed, as if trying not to wake her.

Perhaps it was to see if he could. She was such a light sleeper; it was a challenge if he could cross the room undetected.

He crept along on his toes until he reached the rug in the centre of the room, then walked normally, if a bit slower. The curtains weren't fully closed so he could see her lying there, blankets tucked up to her chin, dark red hair splashed across her pillow like a blood splatter.

_Blood splatter? I've been spending too much time with the other lot_, Sirius thought to himself. And speaking of the other lot, he had questions for the girl, questions that had developed in his brain during his evening spent among purebloods. What time was it, anyway? Too early? He'd come directly from the party, hadn't even bothered to change.

He rapped his knuckles against the wooden bedpost.

She shot awake with a gasp, eyes wide, and spotting him, they narrowed angrily before shutting completely once again as she flopped back down to her pillows. Sirius noted she slept with her wand in her hand.

"I'm not ready to face the day, let alone you," she complained, her voice dry and raspy.

He sat down on the bed beside her. "Such a pessimist. How can you yet know what the day will bring?"

"Burials in the morning and a werewolf at night," she said, turning her back to him as she curled into a ball on her side.

Yes, he knew tonight was the full moon, but a burial?

He reached out and with a knuckle, stroked an inch or two up and down her shoulder blade. "Whose?"

She sighed, but after a moment turned over and pushed herself up to a sitting position, hugging her knees to her chest. "Fabian Prewitt and Agatha Argyle."

No one important to _him_, then. However... "Prongs?"

"He's coping, I think. He was fiercely upset at first, but as the day went on he got better." She explained the circumstances of the aurors' fates. "The ministry burial is this morning." She suddenly looked up at him, as if in revelation. "Would you like to attend?"

"No. Why should I?"

She looked at him, surprised.

"Didn't you sleep with her?"

He rolled his eyes. "Yes, but I'm not attached to every witch I bed." He snorted, and looking away, added, "quite the reverse."

x

Lily regarded him searchingly, trying to read for emotions he didn't want to admit.

"It meant nothing," he insisted. "Her getting killed hasn't changed that. _I_ don't romanticise the dead."

"Does James know?" she asked.

Sirius' brows rose in surprise. "If you didn't tell him..."

Lily shook her head vehemently. "Not my place."

"Then he doesn't know."

"And now's probably not the best time he found out," she reasoned.

"I'd say _never_ is a better time. If she were alive then I don't think he'd care, but now..." He snorted again. "Now she will be forever enshrined in his memory in much better light than she ever was in life."

"Sirius, you're being beastly again."

He smirked and snatched up her hand to kiss it in apology. "Sorry, Cariad. I am in a rather beastly mood."

Upon this pronouncement he transformed into his monstrous black dog form and rose onto his hind legs, placed his front two on her shoulders, nearly knocking her over. He stood bipedal only long enough to give her face one comprehensive lick from chin, cheek to forehead, before falling back down to all fours and disappearing into the sitting room.

When Lily emerged from the bathroom, having dressed and washed her face and teeth, she heard the sound of growling coming from the other room, followed by a loud _rip._

Her eyes widened and she flew into the next room to see that Sirius had taken one of the sofa pillows out from under Remus' feet and was shredding it to bits. Lily could imagine that it was a nice way of venting his frustration but she was outraged all the same.

"Snuffles!" she cried, stomping over to try to pull the remains of the pillow from the beast's massive jaws. The dog growled even louder and pulled even harder, unwilling to relinquish it. He thought of it as a game. At last, Lily gave up and let Sirius destroy the thing completely.

Remus slept through it all without so much as a stir of alarm or even awareness. Frowning, Lily stepped over to the sleeping man and pressed her wrist to his brow. _Overly hot_, the thought. Certainly a fever. The handful of times she'd been around Remus before or after a transformation he'd been warm, but she didn't know if those were exceptions or the rule.

"He is always this feverish before the full moon, isn't he?" she enquired of the mutt.

Sirius abandoned what had once been a pillow and trotted over to his friend's side, giving him resuscitating licks. At last Remus stirred, groaned, and turned over to face the back of the couch. "Ger'off, y'slobbering git," he mumbled.

"Remus, is your temperature always this high at this stage?" Lily asked softly.

"Every time," Remus replied. He troubled himself to turn back around and open his eyes to look at her. "Don't you concern yourself about a thing, Lil'one."

Lily returned Remus' weak smile, though she was slightly taken aback by his use of the pet name. He hadn't called her 'little one' since her first year. Quite the throw back.

She wished she could respond in kind, but she couldn't remember ever calling him anything but simply Remus. She re-spelled the flannel with a simple cooling charm and put it back on his forehead and told him to go back to sleep, and that she'd take the menace out for a walk so he could rest undisturbed.

"Come on, you brute," she told the dog with begrudging affection. "Let's take some air."

The cobblestone paths were slick with the same dew that clung to the grounds. The fog hung so thickly around them they couldn't even see more than a few paces ahead of them.

They strolled around for a time. Sirius would go bounding off in some direction and would get lost in the fog. She disliked the fog; it made her nervous not to be able to see what might be out there, close to her. She imagined it would make things much more difficult when it came to duelling.

"Snuffles?" she called out.

There was a booming bark not too far off in response. A moment later the beast was back at her side, getting her robes wet and muddy when he pawed at her reassuringly. He was gone again the next moment. Perhaps with the heightened senses of a canine he felt less vulnerable in the fog.

After another few minutes when she could no longer hear him snuffling about she whistled, or tried to in any case. It sort of made the sound she intended and it brought the monstrous mongrel back to her, so it sufficed.

"I've got a proposal for you, my furry friend, but it will involve your changing back."

The beast cocked his head to the side in curiosity.

"I say we have a bit of duelling practice. I've duelled in limited visibility before—at night or in the forest—but I've never duelled in this sort of murkiness. Makes me nervous, to be honest. I figure practicing is the only solution."

The dog considered it for only a moment before turning back into a man. "Sounds like fun."

They started off using only the stinging hex, and casting aloud. Only when she was comfortable did they move on to other spells. They'd been at it for perhaps half an hour when she was hit without warning by a langlock. She was confused for a moment. Was that Sirius' way of telling her to start casting nonverbally? She wasn't quite sure she was ready for that.

She was about to release herself from the curse when she heard Sirius shout his next spell at her, which, perforce, she blocked silently, as her tongue was stuck to the roof of her mouth.

If he had silenced her, why was _he _still casting aloud? What was he on about?

A hand clamped over her mouth as an arm pulled her back. Wild fear ignited in her chest as she heard Sirius cast another spell from a dozen metres away. First thing she did was to undo the langlock and try to elbow whoever it was who had grabbed her by the wand-arm. Her scream was muffled by the hand that covered her. Just as she was about to wandlessly cast a very nasty hex indeed, he spoke.

"_Shhh, heart. It's me_," came the soft whisper in her ear.

She stopped struggling, still breathing hard and trying to force down the panic that was still pounding through her. He dropped his hand from her mouth and released her wand arm, but kept his arms around her.

Sirius threw another curse their way and missed. James silently sent one back.

"Like that now, is it?" said Sirius and the next spell that came without warning.

Lily knew that she wasn't in danger anymore, but her body didn't believe her. It was still telling her to run and she visibly shook with the effort not to.

"_Sorry_," he whispered. He gave her an apologetic squeeze and he stroked her hair for a moment as if calming a spooked horse. "_I was on my way to the village and heard your duel. I couldn't resist_." She could hear the smile as he breathed, "_Let me have a go at him_."

She nodded mutely and he brushed his lips against her temple before letting her go, disappearing into the fog. She thought about chiding him for sneaking that kiss, but didn't want to ruin the duel by speaking. That and she wasn't really angry. In fact, it had calmed her jagged nerves, which had been his intent, no doubt.

Sirius roared in angry indignation at whatever spell James had hit him with. "Damn you, Potter!"

"Figured out it was me?" James called back cheekily.

"Only you would use that spell."

"Like old times, eh, Padfoot?"

"Sod off!" There followed a pained bellow from James.

Lily thought it was time to put a stop to it.

"That's enough you two! I don't want either of you in the Hospital Wing." She said all this as she walked towards them, hoping that the sound of her voicing approaching the line of fire would make them stop. Otherwise she'd be in for a painful time of it. Eventually everyone drew near enough to see one another.

Sirius, she noted, was limping. "What did he do to you?" Lily asked sympathetically. "Should I take a look at it?"

Sirius's smug 'Yes' sounded at the exact same time as James's emphatic 'No.'

"I think a massage would do my injury some good," said Sirius, slinging an arm around her, as if to use her as a crutch.

"Not funny," James bit out through clenched teeth.

Lily rolled her eyes, finally understanding the nature of the spell James had used. "Well you shouldn't have hit him with it in the first place," she said. Pointing her wand generally where Sirius' inseams met, she whispered, _'mulceo'._"

Sirius' grip on her shoulder tightened as he gasped. A moment later it relaxed.

"That... was interesting," Sirius remarked, looking slightly confused.

"It's just a soothing spell. I doubt a massage would have actually helped in any case." Turning back to James she asked, "Do you want one of us to come with?"

He shook his head. "No, that's alright. Keep up the duelling. It's good practice."

Lily nodded and gave him a hug. "See you when you get back."

"Right. Sirius, tonight at the Shack?" he asked over the top of her head.

"Of course."

"Right then." They pulled away and James gave them a weak smile and wave, disappearing into the mist after having gone only a few paces.

"Bit volatile, isn't he," Sirius remarked lowly.

"Laughing one moment and despairing the next," she confirmed.

Sirius hummed contemplatively. "Well, I suppose it could be worse."

"I guess. He's handling it better than he did his mother, I think."

"How did he handle Mrs. Potter?" Sirius asked, and Lily could hear the sad but affectionate way he said her name.

"He didn't. Not really. I guess what I meant to say is that he's dealing with it sooner. Last time he put it off for several weeks. I know he went to the house and brought back some things of hers."

Sirius cleared his throat. "The fog is burning away. Looks like the end of our duel whether we will it or no."

"Fine with me. I suppose you had your own reason for coming here in a beastly mood," she said, kicking a small stone in her path. It skipped a few feet ahead. "Not just for bad news and a duel."

"Point of fact, I did." He kicked the stone this time. It went off to the side. Both he and Lily changed course so they could continue playing the game, simple as it was. "I've been working on something but it lacks a certain _je ne sais quoi_. I was hoping to get your perspective..."

"My perspective on what?" She asked as she kicked.

He smirked. "On pureblood entitlement. I've come up with a handsome list but I feel like there are privileges I'm forgetting. So I thought I'd work from it the other way. Things you can't do because you're a muggleborn ought to work just as well as things I _can_ because I'm pureblood."

"Interesting project you are working on," she remarked. "What's it for?"

"To promote muggleborn rights, of course."

"And, how exactly is an article on _pureblood supremacy_ going to accomplish that?"

"A _tongue in cheek_ article on pureblood supremacy," he corrected.

"Of course."

"I figure it will illustrate how little they actually do, and how undeserving they are of the power they've been given."

"But... why are you doing it at all?"

"We are the vanguard for muggleborn rights, are we not?"

She nodded and kicked at the stone but it simply rolled under her shoe. She stopped. A moment later Sirius stopped too and turned around, waiting for her to move on.

"Sirius, if I ask a question might you answer it honestly?"

"Depends on the question, I suppose."

Lily pursed her lips in troubled confusion, pushing the rock under her foot, squishing it into the earth.

"Sirius, do you even _believe_ in promoting muggleborn rights? Truly?"

Sirius looked at her, lip quirking in what was either a smirk or a sneer. "Now why would you ask that, Cariad?"

"It just doesn't really fit, somehow. I know you fight for the cause, but honestly, I think it's more the fight than the cause that you actually like."

"If that were the case then why have I chosen this side over the other?" said he, slowing advancing on her.

She shrugged. "Of course you'd choose this side. There's no question about that. You are more decent than you are bad."

Sirius let out a small sound that made Lily glance up at his face though his expression revealed nothing. She wondered if she'd offended him.

She went on anyway. "Not only that, but your friends are also on this side. And it's the opposite of what your family would have wanted. And because you like me and I'm a muggleborn."

Sirius let out a barking laugh. "Right on all three counts, Cariad. Nearly sums it up."

"What else am I missing?"

He smiled, but held his silence for a moment, thinking.

"I don't really feel like I should be _promoting_ anyone. People ought to promote themselves. The only worthy people that don't naturally rise to the top on their own merits are those society expressly pushes down." He nodded in her direction. "As I said before, the problem isn't that the worthy don't have power, but that the unworthy do."

"I see. So you don't really care that muggleborns have equal rights, just that the exceptional ones have privilege?"

"I don't care if all purebloods are treated equally either," he pointed out. "If it were up to me, it would be the ignorant bigots who wore marks so we'd know whom to avoid talking to at dinner parties."

"So... you don't believe in equality."

Sirius shook his head. "No. And what's more I don't think anyone truly does. We all harbour the secret, or not so secret, desire to be 'better' than others, even you. _Especially you_. You strive harder than anyone I know to be the best at things. Adding that that, I think nobody really wants _everyone_ to have an equal say either. There are too many people out there that don't hold the same views as oneself. There are too many stupid people in the world who, for their own benefit and the benefit of others they might hurt, shouldn't be allowed to make decisions. Unfortunately, the current government is made up of the easily influenced who do whatever the unworthy privileged tell them to."

"Oh..." She spent a moment processing this as she tried to dig the stone out of the mud with the tip of her shoe. It didn't work. "_Waddiwassi,_" she mumbled, and the stone shot into the air before falling back down to the earth in front of her with a muffled _thud_. She kicked it and they continued walking again.

"And now you're disappointed in me. Should I have lied? Kept myself from falling in your eyes?" he asked as if casually.

She shook her head. "I think finding out the truth any other way would have been a bit of a horrid discovery."

Sirius kicked the stone, his mouth pressed into a thin line.

She linked her arm through his. "I suppose it should bother me but it doesn't," she said, giving his forearm that wore the armband a squeeze. "I hold you in as high esteem as ever." They both tried for the stone and ended up kicking one another instead. She smiled and booted it again. "You could do just about anything and I still couldn't help... you know."

"Loving me?" Sirius supplied, gaze fixed firmly on the ground.

"Right."

She knew they were both thinking uncomfortably about the comparison to Severus, and her inability to stop caring for him, despite being on the opposite side of the war.

"Does that make me fall in _your _eyes?" she asked.

She waited for Sirius to answer but he didn't respond (which was answer enough). She pulled her arm out of his, hurt but unsurprised.

"It _should_..." he said at last. He grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze. _But it doesn't._

They didn't let go, didn't look at each other and didn't speak the rest of the way back to the castle; just took turns kicking the rock.

Lily was touched, but at the same time felt guilty that she wished it were James instead who could say it. It didn't make sense; it should have been Sirius who would never look past her loving Severus. James was the understanding one, the forgiving one. On the other hand, Sirius didn't have the strict moral standard, the inner auror that James had. There were Death Eaters and there were aurors.

For all his liberal mindedness, James saw certain things unwaveringly in black and white.

x

Peter Pettigrew walked down the village lanes with his hands shoved firmly into his pockets, trying to make his way unobtrusively to the Shrieking Shack. Hogsmeade simply wasn't as jolly as it used to be. In fact, it was downright grim. Only a few people were out, but they had their hoods drawn up and walked directly from one place to another, no one ambled about the lanes like they used to. The only ones who didn't scurry off were the Magical Law Enforcement officers who patrolled. At first their presence reassured him, when one accosted him in an abrupt manner, Peter quickly re-evaluated his opinion of them.

"Oi, you!" said the officer. The little name plate across his breast read _Hesse_.

"Ye—yes?" Peter squeaked, sighing inwardly at how pathetic he knew he sounded.

"Wot's this ere?" said Hesse, jabbing his wand at the silk arm band Peter forgot he wore. Sirius had insisted he wear it and Peter had put up no argument, despite his objection to the colour.

"Just an accessory," he explained, trying to play it down.

"Just an accessory," the officer repeated mockingly. "Yeah well I fink it looks like a muggleborn identification mark that's been tampered wif, that's what I fink, which is a punishable offence." He articulated each syllable of _punishable_ like a man who had to concentrate hard on the pronunciation.

"No!" Peter cried out. "No, not at all, look." He fumbled with the arm band, his nerves making his fingers awkward and clumsy. Finally he got it off and showed the officer. "See? Comes off easy. And here." He searched in the inner front pocket for his identity papers. He soon pulled them out and showed Hesse. "Look. Born: Lancashire to Vincent Pettigrew and Pricilla Pettigrew nee Longbottom," he pointed out triumphantly.

While his father had been the grandson of a muggleborn and halfblood, at least his mother's name was distinguished. That was proof positive he wasn't muggleborn.

Hesse took a moment regarding it before he grudgingly nodded. "All roight. Wot's this about then? Wot you playin at by wearing a red mark like wot muggleborn's got to wear."

"It's pink," Peter corrected, flushing slightly. Sirius had insisted the pale colour would go well with Peter's hair and complexion, but all the same he had found it more emasculating than stylish.

"I don't know wot kind of muddy statement you're tryin to make, but I don' want to see it again, roight?" He poked him in the chest and Peter took a step back, rubbing the spot.

"Right," he repeated immediately. "Of course. I was only wearing it as a joke," he said, chuckling feebly.

"Not very funny, is it?" said Hesse menacingly.

"Well, I... I think humour is in the eye of the beholder."

"Are you arguing wif me? Are you havin a go at an officer of the law? Because that's a punchable offence."

"P—punishable, you mean?" Peter corrected in a small voice.

"That's wot I said," the officer insisted, and Peter didn't risk contradicting him a second time. He didn't doubt that with this man's disposition, 'punchable' was probably just as likely. "So no more muddy jokes, all roight?"

"Right. Of course." Peter tossed the sash to the earth and smiled at the officer. "Gone."

The officer's eyes narrowed suspiciously before pointing his wand at the discarded band and said '_incendio!'_

Sirius' pet project went up in flames for a brief time before it burned itself out, leaving nothing but charred bits and ash in its place.

"_Now_ it's gone," said Hesse.

Peter was slowly edging away, waiting to be given permission to leave. Hesse noticed and nodded. "Go on. Get away."

Peter was beating a dignified but hasty retreat. Behind him, he could hear Hesse grumble, "the muddy poof thinks I don't know what he's on about. Poofy mudblood pride rubbish."

He finally reached the Shack, humiliated and ashamed. _A poof?_ Is that really how people perceived him? Stupid pink arm band. Granted, he knew his behaviour hadn't helped, he should have been manlier, talked back. But he didn't like to get into arguments that could escalate if he didn't have backup. Still, he blamed the band just as much.

He kicked the corner of the wreck of a sofa, then, surprised, looked around. No one was in the Shack yet.

He frowned. Where could they be? Neither Sirius nor Remus had been at the flat either. That probably meant they were somewhere else together. Still, it was a safe assumption that James was at the castle yet, so he made his way there.

A while later and after several minutes of knocking on his friend's office door Peter gave up. Perhaps he was working in London.

Well, at least Lily ought to be in the castle. Perhaps she would let him wait around for a bit in her rooms. It was only when he was standing in front of the portrait hole that he realised he didn't know the password. The other times he'd come someone else had always said it. Perhaps it was better if he knocked anyway.

The portrait opened just a crack, only enough for Lily to peek through to see who it was.

"Peter!" she said in surprise and flung the door open wide.

It was then he saw all of them, Sirius, James and Remus sitting around the room, casual as you please, smoking, reading, or in Remus' case, resting. None of them seemed even remotely embarrassed about all being together without him, or guilty for leaving him out.

On the other hand, none of them looked surprised or upset that he'd turned up. In fact, they all seemed pleased at his appearing and greeted him warmly.

"Looks like you forgot to owl my invitation to the party," he joked, though part of him meant it.

"There _were_ no invitations; people simply keep turning up, just like you," Lily explained. "Make yourself at home. Everyone else does," she said, rolling her eyes, but the genuine smile on her lips belied the complaint.

Still, Peter felt that someone could have told him that's where they were.

"Thought I might find you lot here," he lied pleasantly. "Innit bout time we head to the Shack?"

Both James and Sirius checked their pocket-watches.

"Not for another 45 minutes or so," said Sirius.

Peter consulted his own wristwatch, thinking it must be earlier than he had assumed, but no, the moonrise was in an hour and 15 minutes. That would be cutting it rather close. Usually there were there at least a couple of hours in advance. Now they'd rather lounge about with the Head Girl, even though she and James had split up.

Wasn't the day of the full moon a Marauder tradition? They used to spend hours preceding the moonrise in the Shrieking Shack drinking, telling stories, having a laugh. That was the one thing they still regularly did together since they left school all those years ago. The full moon was the one guaranteed lad's night they had a month. Now they all sat sedately; no laughter, and what little alcohol Peter could see was in a glass James was slowly sipping as he read.

Lily went back to take a seat, lifting Remus' feet off the couch long enough for her to sit down before putting them on her lap.

"Say, Wormtail, what happened to your salmon band?" Sirius enquired.

Peter didn't really feel like admitting to the whole shameful experience, but on the other hand, he didn't think Sirius would take it well if Peter said he just didn't feel like wearing it.

Sighing, he began the story. "Magical Law Enforcement took it off me in Hogsmeade only a few minutes ago when I was on my way to the Shack."

"What?" came a chorus of outrage.

Realising that they would be appalled, not with _him_ but with the _Ministry_, Peter gained sudden confidence in the story.

"Yeah. They made me take it off. I was just walking down the street, minding my own business, when this _Officer Hesse_ bloke stops me and starts going on about it. At first he accused me of tampering with the mark, but I said I wasn't a muggleborn, just a supporter and then... Well, then it got a bit messy."

At the prompting of everyone there, he continued, enjoying the fact that everyone was paying attention to him.

"Well, he kept accusing me of tampering with the mark, and that I'd be thrown into Azkaban for that. I told him I wasn't muggleborn, I just _chose_ to wear the mark. He got really angry then, accused me of having him on and he rips off the mark, to test it, I guess. He didn't seem convinced and demanded to see my papers. I showed it to him, and once he learnt I'm part Longbottom he seemed even angrier. He shouted something about 'poofy muggleborn rights rubbish' and when I demanded the band back he punched me in stomach. He'd threatened to do that earlier, you see. Actually punched me, can you believe that?"

"I believe it," James said. "Traditionally, if MLE has to use their wands in the course of duty they have to file an incident report. Their wands are checked at the end of every shift to stop them from taking unnecessary measures." James then frowned thoughtfully. "Though I had thought they'd got rid of that rule last year..." He shrugged. "It's probably just habit by now for him."

"Then what happened?" Lily urged.

"Then? Uh... well after I got my breath back I told them that I didn't want to fight, that I just wanted the band back. It's not a crime."

"Them?" asked Sirius.

"Yeah. They had me outnumbered. Three to one. I didn't dare risk an actual duel."

"Bastards," Sirius hissed.

"Nor should you have," James confirmed. "Especially since assaulting an officer is—"

"_A punishable offence_," Peter finished for him. "Yeah, I know. So he kept telling me. I had my wand in my hand, not intending it on using it, mind, but, well, if they were going to attack I was going to defend myself, right? Still, he's going on about it. I told him again, I'm not going to fight'em, just wanted my property back. They finally left off about it, but before they went they torched the band. Burned it to a crisp right there in the lane before sauntering off, calling me names and warning me not to do it again."

Sirius looked disgusted, Lily frustrated, James disappointed, and Remus just shook his head at it all.

"S'alright, Wormtail. I'll get you another," Sirius promised.

Inside Peter squirmed. He didn't know how to tell Sirius he didn't _want_ another.

"Sirius, he doesn't have to wear one," Lily said, as if she'd read his mind and come to the rescue. Turning her soft gaze on Peter, she added, "Especially if you're being hassled for it. I'm sorry you had to go through that, Peter."

Momentarily struck dumb by this gentle concern, such a stark contrast to the treatment he usually received from friends, Peter could only smile shyly and nod thankfully at her. Perhaps it wasn't such a bad thing to stay for a _few_ more minutes in the girl's rooms.

The others began quietly discussing the attitude of the M.L.E. while Peter gave himself over to introspection.

He hated himself, he realised. He hated that he wasn't the wizard he wanted to be. The thing was, he really _did_ support muggleborn rights. He thought it was unfair the way they were treated, but when the time came he didn't do or say anything about it. He was a craven bastard, unworthy of Gryffindor House. If his friends knew, they would be disgusted with him, and that thought made him terribly depressed.

The time came and they took their leave of Lily, who waved them off with a "be careful!" and even kissed him on the cheek for the way he'd stood up to the M.L. E, which made him feel somehow brilliant and lousy at the same time. He tried not to think about it as he made his way to the Shack with the others.

Remus had an arm slung over James' shoulder as the auror helped the soon-to-be-wolf down the passage. Peter and Sirius walked a little ways behind.

"Might as well put it down in the diary now as the dullest full moon yet, bein' locked up in the Shack," Peter commented, for it had been declared earlier by the two ahead that for safety's sake they wouldn't go out into the Forbidden Forest. "What we to do, chase our tails?"

"Indeed," Sirius drawled as they came to the end of the tunnel. "If only someone would forget to latch the door..." he added wistfully, before passing through first, disappearing into the dilapidated structure.

Peter paused in his steps. Had that been a hint? It was difficult to tell with Sirius but he thought it might have been. Tiptoeing down the hall to the front door rather than to the large room where the others had gathered, Peter approached the door and after pausing for a moment to give the matter one last consideration, unlocked it and eased it open a crack.

He quickly joined his friends, Remus already taking off his clothes in preparation for the transformation.

"There you are," said James, seeing him enter. "Time to get our tails on."

The first thing Moony always did was beat and scratch at the exits that prevented his escape. This time, however, the door swung open at the first swipe...

.

He didn't know what was actually happening until after Sirius had scooped him up in his massive jaws and dropped him in a rotted tree trunk. Peter could smell that some other animal either lived there or spent much time there, but he didn't think about it for long because he heard the howling. Not Moony's, but another's _joining in._ Worryingly close. It wasn't long before he heard the _th-d-wump_, _th-d-wump_ of approaching paws. It was horrible, not being able to see anything, but he imagined it would be even worse to witness. He could have popped his head out, but he didn't think he could bear to. He was too afraid of what he might have to watch.

He heard the growling, howling, slashing, crashing and snarling as the bigger animals brawled, and, most worryingly, the deep distressed cry of a stag in pain, followed by the resounding thud of a great beast fallen. Dog or deer, he couldn't tell.

His whiskers twitched uncontrollably and he let out little squeaks of sympathy every time he heard the stag groan, or the monstrous black dog yelp in sudden pain.

"What do I do? What do I do?" he thought frantically. But there was nothing he _could_ do. Sirius had hid him there for a reason. It was too risky to transform back into a human and he wasn't capable of anything useful as a rat. He could only crouch there and listen as his friends took a beating from the two cursed wolves.

Peter didn't know when or whence the other werewolf had come, only that once he did, Remus had suddenly vanished. Moony's body was still there, but Peter could sense that under the other wolf's strong influencing presence, he'd lost the control that being with the three animagi enabled in him. Peter wasn't stupid. He knew that one dog and one stag were no match for two giant and vicious wolves. Whenever Remus had got out of hand, it had taken both James _and _Sirius to control him, and even then it didn't always work. Sirius would never leave James even though it didn't seem that James stood a chance. Sirius would just stay and fight until he couldn't fight anymore. Then what?

A storm of hoof beats, _hooves, not paws_, thundered by not too far off causing the earth to tremble around him. In the wake of the passing commotion the fight between the other beasts seemed to still. A growl was followed by a howl, and both wolves took off, presumably after the herd of hooves.

Stillness grew around him; the only sound was Padfoot's pants and Prongs' soft keening. It was only then that Peter dared poke his head out. The image that confronted him wasn't much different than the scenario he'd imagined. Prongs kicked his back legs, struggling to get back on his feet; Padfoot attempting to help by nudging him upwards. They managed, but the stag took only a few wobbly steps before it changed from quadruped to biped. James took a further two stumbling steps forward, but his legs gave way and he collapsed onto Sirius, who yelped in pain but manage to raise himself and his human passenger off the forest floor.

"You won't get him back that way. Not before the lycans smell the human blood and come back."

Peter twitched his whiskers at the centaur who had appeared from seeming nowhere. Now that he_ was_ there, his odour was inescapable, and Peter wondered how he could have missed such a powerful smell.

Sirius' first reaction was to growl and back James and himself away. But the centaur didn't waver, didn't retreat. He continued to hold out his hand, not in friendship, but in assistance. A dual howling made up Sirius' mind in a trice and James was taken, lifted off the dog's back and into the centaur's arms.

"Can you hold on if I put you on my back, human?"

James only groaned and let his head flop to the other side.

"It was foolish to be out on a full moon," he chided, carrying James bridal style. Another howl sounded, closer this time. "We should leave quickly. Can you gallop, animagus?" he asked Sirius.

Sirius woofed softly in affirmation.

_Sirius_ might be able to keep up with a cantering centaur but _he, Peter_ certainly could not. He had just begun to panic when Sirius trotted over to Peter's hiding place and scooped him up in his massive jaws.

It was hot and wet in the dog's mouth, and because he was there, the canine was prevented from swallowing, so Peter was soon drenched in slobber. Every few minutes Sirius would whimper in pain, as some step agitated an injury. Peter could tell from the uneven gait and the slowing pace that one or several of his limbs must be hurt but not once in all the jouncing did Sirius even come close to accidentally biting down on him despite the numerous times he stumbled. He cradled Peter as carefully as a mother would her newborn.

"This is as far as I take you," said the centaur. Peter could sense that the end of the forest wasn't too far off.

Sirius put him down and transformed. "Thank you," he rasped, reaching up to take the centaur's burden. James slumped into Sirius' arms, though it was obviously too heavy a load for him. Peter remembered himself and transformed back to help. He was taking out his wand to levitate James but Sirius smacked Peter's hand back, giving him a brief but angry look before turning back to the centaur.

"Thank you," his friend said simply, bowing his head slightly. Peter didn't think he'd ever seen Sirius act so earnestly deferential before, any other similar display had always had an element of mockery. Not this time, though.

Once the centaur was out of sight Sirius pulled out his wand and levitated James.

"That's what I was going to do," Peter pointed out. "Why'd you stop me?"

Sirius hissed in pain yet again as he set out toward the castle at a limp. "He just went out of his way to help. You think I'm going to immediately offend him by pulling out my wand?"

Seeing his friend struggle, Peter went to help him, putting an arm around Sirius' waist but he was instantly shrugged off, not saying anything.

Did Sirius blame him for what happened? Because he opened the door? But, it had been _his_ suggestion in the first place! Sirius had given him permission, had practically _told_ him to.

Hadn't he?

In the castle they passed only Nearly Headless Nick, whom Sirius snapped at and told to mind his own bloody business.

Despite it being the early hours of the morning, Lily was not in bed. When they lumbered in, she was reading on the couch by the fire.

She got up instantly, eyes glued on James. "Oh no," she breathed. "Put him down, put him down," she said, her voice quick but oddly even, though it was clear how afraid she was. "Gently, Sirius. Here, let me."

Lily took over the spell and carefully lowered James to the couch. Now able to view him in proper light, Peter saw it was actually worse than he'd thought, which was saying something as the wounds would have lessened slightly when in human form. The image was made all the clearer when Lily waved her wand and banished every stitch of clothing James wore, leaving only a blood smeared body, a mess of gashed open and shredded flapping skin, blood leaking from every wound.

James roused enough to open his eyes.

"Lily," he breathed. "It hurts—_ burns_. Can you...?"

"I'll make it stop," she assured him. "It'll be alright in a moment."

"Do you have anything for the pain?" asked Sirius in a whisper. Lily turned her back to James for a moment, clutching at her hair with both hands.

"I have essence of poppy, but that's meant to be an ingredient, not to be taken by itself."

"But will it do?" asked Sirius persistently.

"It'll do _something_," she said uncertainly, summoning it anyway. "I don't think it will hurt him any worse. It _might_ help, but it might just make it so that by this time tomorrow he won't remember he was ever _in_ pain..."

Sirius nodded, taking the bottle from her. "Right, Prongs. Down the hatch then, there's a good lad," he rasped, holding the phial to James' lips.

James visibly relaxed, grew still and hummed a bit, though not in the agonised way from before. When Lily was completely focussed on James again, Sirius took a sip himself and fell into an armchair.

She immediately set to work on closing each wound individually. James seemed to come to slightly after she'd healed more than half of them and he wasn't losing as much blood. He wasn't very coherent though. He'd mumble things that made little sense. Half the time he didn't think James even knew where he was or what was happening, at other moments he was lucid enough to know at least who was tending him.

Half an hour later, she'd closed up all the major wounds and was working on the smaller cuts. Sirius was just barely awake. His eyes, though focussed on James, were glazed over and unmoving.

"Lily," said James weakly. It was hard to tell whether he was mumbling in sleep or actually trying to get her attention.

"Yes?" she said, not looking up from the patch of skin she was working on near his Achilles heel.

"Lily," he repeated.

At this she put her wand down and walked on her knees over to the other end of the couch where his head lay. "What is it?" she asked, brushing his hair of his forehead.

"You know, don't you?" James slurred. His hand flopped around ineffectively trying to find hers. Seeing what he was trying to do she took his hand in her own. "I thought you might. But wanted to be sure. But you _do_, don't you." He gave her a drugged smile, bringing their joined hands to his chest.

Lily's smile trembled on her lips. Though it was obviously meant as a tender gesture on James's part, the addled delivery clearly worried her. She shushed him, telling him to rest.

Peter looked away, embarrassed to have witnessed such a personal moment. Still, he couldn't help but hear the conversation as it continued.

"No matter what," James insisted.

"What?" she asked. She was just as lost to the meaning of James's ramblings as Peter was.

"No matter what. But you knew that." James struggled for breath, but finally managed to get it out. "Didn't you? Hope so…"

Hearing her sniffle, Peter went so far as to cover his ears, looking anywhere but at the couple. He had just started muttering the Hogwarts school song to drown out their conversation when a shriek pulled him back to the scene.

"Sirius! _Help_!"

Sirius, who'd been dozing in the armchair, vaulted from his seat and fell to his knees next to Lily. Peter quickly followed, hovering over her shoulder.

"He's lost too much blood," she said.

"Move over," Sirius commanded and Lily instantly obeyed. She stood so fast her shoulder knocked into Peter's jaw, causing him to bite his tongue. She reached back to touch his arm in apology, but didn't turn to face him and didn't speak. She kept her eyes on the prostrate figure on the sofa.

"Prongs!" Sirius slapped the side of James' face smartly. "James!" he shouted, repeating the performance. "Took too long getting him back here," he chided himself under his breath. "James!"

On the fifth or sixth slap James roused, coughed up liquid from his gut, probably poppy juice, and closed his eyes again.

Sirius would have none of that. He slapped again.

"What?" James asked. Though obviously weaker, his eyes were slightly clearer.

"You've got to stay with us, mate. Hey? Hear me?"

"Yeh."

"In much pain?"

"Not really. Feel all... woobly."

"We gave you juice of poppy to numb you a bit but we haven't got any potions to heal you. Do we take you to Mungo's?"

"No," James said, drunkenly offended. "How'd'we s'plain the werewolf bites, eh?"

Sirius pressed his lips together and frowned. "We'll figure that out later. You're in a bad way now, mate. Supplies are limited but between us we could pull enough strings to get you healed."

"That bad?" James asked.

Sirius nodded gravely.

Peter stepped back another few steps, fighting the urge to bite on his knuckles. Despite the numerous times any of them had been injured, a trip to St. Mungo's had never before been suggested. Sirius must be desperate. He thought James wouldn't make it. It was clear on Lily's face that she feared it too. Merlin, and it would be his fault. He'd left the door open. Sirius... whether or not he had hinted at it, he, Peter, had still been the one to do it. He didn't have to, but he had. And now they might lose James and then where would they be? How could the group survive without him? Remus would likely destroy himself if he learned he did it for James. Having lost James and Remus, Sirius would blame Peter, and rightfully so. Probably even take revenge...

Peter's glance darted between Sirius and Lily and realised he feared her too. Her reaction. She'd killed a man for nearly killing James. _Killed _him. Between Padfoot and the red head, Peter was a goner. He knew he deserved it, but it had been a mistake, an accident! Well, he'd done it on purpose but he never meant for anyone to get hurt.

He was close to hyperventilating now, and his hand had somehow found its way into his mouth, and he was gnawing on his knuckles. He couldn't help it. He was so afraid. He desperately wanted James to live. James was the first person to give him a chance, and the reason he ever had any friends at all.

x

James struggled to keep his eyes open. He knew if he shut them Sirius would scold him again. He was having a hard enough time arguing against Mungo's but his friend seemed pretty set on the course. James was wading through muddy thoughts, trying to put his argument together but he just wasn't thinking quickly enough. He knew he wasn't convincing either of them. Lily was mostly silent but he could tell by the way she desperately squeezed his hand that she was on Sirius' side. He tried to squeeze back.

"Don't die, Prongs!" squeaked a familiar voice.

'_Peter's here_?' he thought. He hadn't known that. He turned his head to see his friend, who looked pale green and so worried he might actually be sick.

"Who said anything bout dying?" James asked, but it became clear to him in that moment how serious a state he must be in. Sirius and Lily had just been putting on brave faces, but Peter was truly terrified. No one _had_ mentioned dying, and it wasn't until Peter had begged him not to that his sluggish brain seemed to realise that it was actually a possibility.

_Well fuck._

Thing was, he didn't _feel_ like he was dying. He felt... groggy, mostly. Maybe... maybe he wasn't in the right state of mind to be making decisions. He should give over the power of decision to someone with a clearer head.

Sirius... was reckless. Sirius would do anything. He might break into Mungo's and steal the limited healing potions that other people needed. Lily, on the other hand, _Lily_, whom he loved no matter what, would do the right thing no matter what.

"I can't... I don't..." He stopped and hunted through the molasses of his mind for the right words. "M'not thinking straight," he said at last, slowly but at least all the words were there. "Lily. You're... in command. Everyone... do'z she says."

Yes. Good. It was out of his hands now. Perhaps they'd let him sleep. But first...

"An s'alright Wormtail. M'no' gon'die," he said to reassure his friend. While James knew and appreciated what Sirius and Lily were doing for him, he was touched by Peter's open and honest concern.

Lily immediately stepped up to the task. "Right. You two, clear off that table and move it while I get what I need."

"What are you doing? He needs to go to hospital!" Sirius protested.

"I'm in command here," she said dangerously. "And I am going to brew."

"And just where do you intend to get the ingredients?" Sirius snapped.

"You leave that to me," she replied just as fiercely, which James was more than willing to accept. Sirius didn't argue further either and Lily began collecting the necessary utensils.

James pried his eyes open when he heard the loud _clunk_ of the copper cauldron being dropped in front of the fire. Lily kneeled next to it. He tried to focus on the object she studied with such intensity. His eyes without his spectacles were poor, even more so when his vision kept doubling, but he squinted through his dizziness and when the two Lily's momentarily combined into one again he saw. A dagger, he realised as she unsheathed it. A slow muted ripple of shock went through him when he saw her bring the blade to her flesh and open a vein.

"No!" he gasped, too late.

"You need it..." was her serene reply. Perhaps it was the blood loss, perhaps it was her confident tone of voice; in any case he was soothed, put his head down and closed his eyes, knowing he was in competent hands.

x

Sirius watched. He'd seen her do blood magic before but never like this. He'd been witness to her experiments when a curious frown constantly lined her brow. But now, _now_ she acted with quick certainty; her moves calculated for optimum efficiency, her tools zooming to and from her at her bidding, obeying their mistress. She was _good_ at this, he realised. He'd always known, had been told by James that Lily was a fine brewer, had been aware that she was to be the Order's potion's mistress, but Sirius had never before seen her in action this way.

_"Blood of a woman, lovingly given. You shall restore the broken." _ And just like that, she filled a quarter of the cauldron with her own life-blood. Concerned it might be too much for her to give, he was about to offer his own but then he remembered. _She said blood of a __**woman**_, you _do not qualify, git._

When she wasn't incanting, she was explaining, concisely but competently.

The potion was an ancient one, she recounted, and like many ancient dark ones, involves some degree of what James would consider 'human sacrifice.' And in this case, it was a sacrifice. It was the intent that was required, sacrificing of yourself what you wanted to give to someone else. A trade of health, as it were. "Actually," she said, "it doesn't have to be lovingly given, just so long as the drinker is loved by the donor the potion would work.

"Where did you learn this?" he asked in wonder.

"Not from any book," she explained shortly, which Sirius perfectly understood. This magic wasn't exactly dark, but it was so ancient no one knew about it, save the people who were interested in ancient potions... and the only people in modern times who were interested in cruder arts were Death Eaters. It wasn't hard to guess which of that lot took the time to teach her.

From the couch, James mumbled, "Iz'at the one Petunia...?"

"The same," she replied, then turning to Sirius, she explained, "He saved my life with this potion when I was a girl."

"He who?" asked Peter.

No one answered.

.

It wasn't just blood the potion called for. She summoned the house elf and asked for a bottle of whiskey, insisting that it didn't matter how the elf managed to procure it so long as it was brought directly.

_"Water of life, liberally bestowed..._" Spirits to restore the spirit_, _she explained.

The tears of a friend, earnestly shed came from Peter, who needed little coaxing to let them fall. He'd been holding them back for a quarter of an hour.

The next ingredient, however, was surprisingly hard to come by.

"Sirius, have you had any good dreams lately?" she asked briskly.

"No," he answered. It was the simple truth. The bad dreams were torturous and insomnia was hell. What sleep he managed to get didn't bring him good dreams.

"Peter?" She enquired hopefully. Peter looked nervous and admitted he couldn't think of anything.

"_Damn!_" she hissed.

"Why? What do you need? Might it be substituted?" Sirius suggested.

"_Hope of a friend, past and present,_" she recited in response. "I need a dream, Sirius. You know it's dreams that give us hope. Ancient potions are so inexact, you need a great deal of hope! It's what keeps it together! Without dreams, without hope, there's no... well... _hope!_" The desperation was starting to seep through her voice, and he could tell she was trying not to snap. Were good dreams that rare these days?

"Oh! Oh, I've got one!" Peter exclaimed excitedly.

"Wonderful!" Lily cried.

"But... how do I get it out?" he said, becoming worried. "D'you think it will work?" he asked, wringing his hands.

"I'm sure it will," she replied with a smile. Peter was hoping so hard it was _bound_ to work.

They tried to pull out the dream but kept accidentally pulling out memories instead.

"I can't do it!" he wailed after the third failure. "James'll die and it'll be all my fault!"

"No, he won't. Everything will be all right, Peter. Take a deep breath, that's it. Good." Her voice was a calculated cool, a constructed calm. While it worked wonderfully on Peter, it was clear, at least to Sirius' ear, that she did not partake of her own reassurance.

Lily then, in an attempt to both calm Peter down and put him in a more dreamy state of mind, plied him with poppy essence, and eventually managed to extract, not one, but two bright and wriggling dreams with the tip of her wand. She lowered first the orange, then the yellow one into the cauldron, where they seemed to skitter about the surface playfully, slowly seeping in and turning to steam.

Sirius leaned over the cauldron to watch for several minutes. Dreams had always fascinated him. They were so beautiful so... hypnotising...

"Don't inhale too deeply," Lily warned belatedly. "The fumes of boiling dream can get to you, knock you out."

He shook away the oddly entrancing vapours, his head feeling still a bit... floating, happy. He realised groggily that this was probably a diluted sensation of what dream dabblers became addicted to. Except that he was conscious, while others passed out to feel it, to dream it in earnest. He didn't know that Lily had been watching him, but she must have for she told him, "Go stand by the window. Clear your head; I want you to be sharp."

"Sharp," he repeated, and in the back of his mind he wanted to be sharp as well. He didn't want to be dreamily detached from the situation when his friend was on the couch in dire circumstances. He gulped the crisp clear air from the window she nearly always kept open for Ebony. For a moment he thought of lighting up another cigarette, but dismissed the idea. It might make him even more buzzed than he already was.

He heard Lily sigh and when he looked over saw he put down her stirring rod and remove her bubble-head charm. She took a moment to make sure Peter was alright. The poppy juice seemed to have finally knocked him out and he was dreaming in earnest now. Sirius hoped they'd be pleasant, in case they ever had to do this again. Another last stroke of James' hair and she joined him at the window.

She sighed again and leaned against him. "Not too long now; just needs to simmer."

He let his head fall onto hers. "Thank you, Cariad. You've quite saved the day."

"I suppose it was my turn," she replied with attempted flippancy. "We seem to be on rotation." After a moment she stopped pretending. "Though it's not saved yet..."

"You doubt the brew?"

She shook her head, the movement made him realise he was still resting on her and he stood up straight. She did not.

"I don't doubt it, really. It's always worked in the past. This isn't the first time I've used it on James after the full moon, you know. Back before we got together."

"Better he was thrilled to bits about the 'lovingly given' bit. Though I can't imagine him not taking you to task for the blood magic."

"He didn't know anything about how it was brewed. He made me promise to tell him about it later, but he forgot and I didn't bring it up again until after we split up."

Her finger gingerly traced along the thin cloth that covered the cut she'd inflicted for the potion before peeling it off to inspect it. It still bled.

"Merlin, it's still open. Let me heal it for you," he insisted, already reaching for his wand.

"No. Not until it's completely brewed. Once it's finished I'll mend it myself. Then I can take off this damned tourniquet. Going numb now. Good thing all the important brewing is done."

"What happens when he takes it?"

"He'll fall asleep and wake up tomorrow right as rain. As will you."

"I?" he asked, putting a hand to his breast.

"Of course. Don't think I didn't notice the way you were limping. I could heal you now, or you could wait a few minutes and just take a dose of the potion. You can pick which, but you aren't getting out of here without choosing one or the other.

"How long will I be out?" he asked, eyes narrowing.

"At _least_ six hours. Depending on how much repair needs to be done, likely more."

Sirius shook his head. "No. I need to find Moony at first light. He might have teamed up with that other werewolf at the start, who knows how things have played out. We usually make it back to the shack by the time the moon falls..." Sirius could help the grin that briefly tugged at his lips, remembering a time when they _hadn't _made it back. A nude Remus, flushed with embarrassment that his friends wouldn't lend them their cloaks, had streaked through Hogsmeade at top speed, hoping that no one was up early and looking out their windows. It had been a laugh at the time, as well as being summer. Now... Sirius shuddered at the picture of Remus stumbling through the forest, bare and freezing.

Lily put a hand on his arm. "Peter and I can do that. You really need to rest. That potion will work much better than just stitching you back together."

Sirius couldn't help note her odd choice of words. _Stitching_ him up made it sound as if his skin were a garment that's hem had come undone.

"Stitch me up, then," he said. Looking out the window, he added, "Sunup's only an hour or two away. I'll let you dose me with whatever you like once we've got Remus back."

x

He woke up, his body twisted tight with cold, his face in the dirt. After weakly trying to spit away the earth that stuck to his lips, he realised he reeked of pungent urine, not his own. He could feel the liquid spattered across his upper back and knew there was no way he could have done that himself. Something, orrather_, someone_, had pissed on him.

.

His life was but a long string of humiliating circumstances. Naked and shivering, he delayed getting up and travelling back to civilisation. He didn't remember anything of the night before, but his friends hadn't stayed with him. That, in and of itself, was telling. Had he done something so heinous that one or several of them had urinated on him for punishment? As a sign that he was finally kicked out of the Marauders for being a bloodthirsty beast? The thought caused his stomach to roil, but nothing came up and he suddenly realised he had an odd taste in his mouth. He ignored his suspicions and told himself flatly that it _wasn't_ blood. He wiped at his mouth furiously, heart plummeting when dried brownish carmine smears flaked off his face.

_What had he done? _He truly was a 'bloodthirsty beast'.

Suddenly, Remus didn't desire to go back to the Shack. Couldn't bring himself to try to find his friends. He just curled back into a ball and tried to pass out again.

But he was too cold. And he was too disgusted. Too horrified with himself to sleep.

.

He didn't know exactly how much time had passed. The sky was completely overcast and there was no sign of the sun, let alone its position. All he knew was that someone was approaching.

"Halloo!" boomed a familiar voice. The only person in the world one was likely (and glad) to meet in the forbidden forest. Although just now Remus didn't know if he were relieved or not to be found.

"Ahoy there, Remus! Can ye hear me?"

_Impossible not to_, he thought, and started to uncurl himself to stand before remembering he was starkers. That, and he was so stiff from the cold he wasn't sure he actually _could_ uncurl.

The earth around him trembled as the half-giant grew closer. "Remus? Speak t'me if ye can."

"Lo Hagrid," he mumbled.

"Are ye hurt? Can ye move?"

"No and... no, I don't think I can."

Hagrid, gently as he was capable, got him up to a sitting position, then helped him to stand. Once on his own two feet without assistance, Hagrid draped an enormous patchwork quilt across his bare shoulders. Remus had to wrestle with the heavy fabric just to wrap it around him and still it trailed.

"D'ye need me to carry ye?"

"No," he said, unsure if this was the truth or not. He refused to be held in Hagrid's arms like a freshly swaddled babe. His dignity couldn't suffer that.

He soldiered on, feet bare and teeth clattering.

"Yer friends were right worried about ye," said Hagrid, pointing his preposterously pink umbrella into the air and sent up red sparks.

"Were they?" Remus asked, trying not to sound so bloody hopeful.

"Came to me first thing this morning, asked me help in findin' ye. They said you weren't in the Shack."

Remus was comforted to note that there was nothing accusatory in Hagrid's tone, only concern.

"I started out there. Of that I'm certain. I remember sitting in that room, waiting to transform, like I always do. I must have... got out, somehow."

"One of the children from the village must have gone in sometime on a dare and not locked it when they left," said Hagrid, practically. Remus had to acknowledge that it was a likely possibility.

"I should take better care in the future to make sure they are all sealed before I transform. Might get Lily to ward the place for the night."

"That's a fair idea," said Hagrid. "Strongest wards I've seen came from 'er. You can ask when we get to me hut. She and the others will be waiting there."

.

Remus half dreaded seeing his friends, still unsure about what he might have done, though the fact they were looking for him was encouraging. Hagrid let him go in first when they finally arrived, and Lily was the first to greet him. At first she looked like she might hug him, a gesture he wouldn't have spurned, but she stopped herself, looking him over. He suspected she was trying to read for injuries, but bulky as the quilt was, she was hard pressed to find anything. She settled for a kiss on the cheek and squeezing his hands.

"You're like ice!" she said.

"Yeh," he admitted. "But otherwise I'm fine."

"Thank heaven." This time she _did_ hug him. With his arm under the blanket he was prevented from hugging back, but then he worried that she might smell the piss and so he pulled away, embarrassed that if she _did_, she would assume it was his own. He didn't know which was worse.

They settled down around the hut, Hagrid making tea and toast for everyone. Remus accepted a large mug of tea. For a moment he just sat with it in his hands, absorbing the warmth before actually taking a sip. Lily took melted cheese on her toast while Sirius declined, saying he had no stomach. Peter nibbled half-heartedly.

Remus could tell from all their faces that _something _had happened, but they couldn't mention it in front of Hagrid. It was unnerving him, the way Peter would not meet his eye, while Sirius wouldn't _stop_ staring at him.

And so, for the next half hour, that they chatted inanely, ignoring what was foremost on their minds.

It was Lily who called the gathering to a close. "Well, I must get going. Got to check on James."

"Why? What's wrong with him?" asked Hagrid, echoing the same question Remus had been afraid to ask.

"Oh, just a cold. But this is the first time he's had to suffer through one without potions. The way he carries on you'd think he was dying," she said, her laugh tinkling. Sirius grunted in amusement but Peter turned pale and pushed away his toast.

So he had hurt James. That was it. He should have known by the fact that James wasn't there too. How badly?

_Damnit._

"I'm glad you're all right, Remus. Sirius, don't forget!"

"Yes, mummy," Padfoot replied with a smirk. Remus didn't know what that was about and probably never would. Lily and Sirius were getting to be as bad as Sirius and James with cryptic comments that no one else could decipher.

With that, Lily left and the rest of them shortly followed. Remus thanked Hagrid for finding him, and for the use of the blanket, saying in an undertone he might want to use a cleansing charm. Sirius transfigured a robe from Remus didn't know what, so he had at least something to wear back to the Shack.

"What happened?" he asked without preamble.

"Nothing that was your fault," Sirius answered immediately, obviously having expected the question.

"What happened last night? Why was I out? What's happened to James?" he demanded to know.

And so they told him.

_Another werewolf?_ Why? Why here? Why now. _Though that explains the piss_, he supposed.

Once he'd changed back into his own clothes, he assumed they'd apparate back to London, but Sirius stopped him.

"No apparition," he said severely. "Not until our comrades have got that damned map out of the Ministry. Besides, we're going back to the castle, anyway."

Remus didn't know which of these statements to question first. "Why not? I apparated here," he said.

"I know. Might be why your playmate turned up."

Remus cringed at the term, noticing that Peter did as well. "Playmate?"

"I'm thinking they used the map to track you near the full moon... find out where you transform and send one of their own after you."

"But why?" Remus asked.

"Probably to lead you into trouble..."

"And once I'd done something, they'd... offer me protection from the law? Make me feel accepted? Or blackmail me into doing who-knows-what for them?"

"It's what I would do... if I were to try and break up the Order by incriminating one of its members. Rather clever, actually. Luckily it didn't work."

"Sirius..." Remus began uncertainly. "I... I don't remember what happened. What if I did...?"

"Hogsmeade would have been in an uproar if there'd been a werewolf attack. Obviously you didn't hurt any innocent bystanders."

"Other than you, you mean?" Remus muttered guiltily.

"Do shut up, Moony," said Sirius rolling his eyes, then paused and raised an eyebrow. "But I'm flattered that you consider me innocent." At this he grinned, batting his eyelashes in the most absurd fashion.

Remus laughed despite himself before he stopped of a sudden with a thought. "Padfoot, you don't think... _he_, the other one, I mean, unlocked the door deliberately so that I'd escape?"

Sirius cleared his throat, his smile vanishing instantly. "Anything's possible," he replied.

.

They took the bus home, to Sirius' initial disgust. Initial, because after thirty seconds into the wild ride Sirius gave a whoop of delight and stood up, playing a game of balance as the bus lurched, leapt and swerved violently. Peter sat on one of the beds, clutching the sides with both hands and Remus simply lay down, covering himself with the blanket and closing his eyes.

"Alright, anything you need before I go?" Sirius asked when they entered the flat. "Because I'm going to be incommunicado for the next six hours."

"Where are you going?" Remus asked frowning.

Sirius smiled. "To bed, my friend. And so should you."

Remus felt no inclination to argue that point, and immediately dropped onto the couch.

It wasn't even five minutes later that Remus remembered a question he'd wanted to ask, and peeled himself out of the loving embrace of the sofa cushions to go ask Sirius. He could have asked Peter had he not decided to stay on the bus and continue on home to check on his mother.

"Padfoot?" he said through both a yawn and the closed door, knocking a few times. There was no answer. Surely he wasn't asleep already?

Remus eased open the door to find that his friend had indeed, already passed out. He didn't want to trouble him with conversation in that case, so he decided he'd just borrow the mirror off him and check on James and ask _him._

"Sorry mate, don't mean to disturb you, I just want to use the mirror," he said.

Sirius didn't stir. He must have been truly exhausted to sleep so soundly so soon. Then a suspicion crept into Remus' brain and he scanned the room. _Damnit,_ there it was on the bloody bedside table... the pipe. Had Sirius dabbled again, even after his nightmare trip several weeks before? Or was that simply the last time Remus had been aware of it? To test to make sure Sirius was, indeed, in a magical stupor and unable to be roused, Remus shook him.

Nothing.

Sirius was lost to the world.

Remus sighed. _Why, Sirius?_ He tried to justify his friend's actions somehow. Sirius had been so opinionated against dabblers in the past, what had changed? Remus wasn't blind; he knew that his friend had trouble sleeping. Was Sirius dabbling in dreams just to pass out, or was he truly an addict? Neither possibility was ideal.

He took the mirror out all the same and took it downstairs with him.

"James?" he called.

A moment later a face appeared, but not the one he expected.

"Hallo Remus," Lily greeted. "James is asleep."

Oh. He wouldn't mention his concerns for Sirius and dabbling, Lily doted on Sirius so. Remus couldn't bring himself to break her heart like that. But at least now he had a chance to find out the truth about the previous night.

"How is he?" Remus asked guiltily. "Honestly."

"Honestly, he's going to be just fine. We'll come visit later and you can see for yourself. He just needs rest for now. Oh, speaking of, is Sirius in bed? I told him the moment he gets home he should get some sleep."

"Don't worry. He's out cold," he informed her stiffly.

She smiled. "Good."

_No it's not._

"How bad was it?" Remus insisted. Waking up with blood in your mouth was an unsettling thing, especially when it might be the blood of a friend.

Lily pursed her lips. "Don't feel guilty, Remus. It wasn't just you, you know."

"I do know, just tell me."

"Well, Peter wasn't hurt at all. Sirius had a few bad gashes and bites round the shoulder and legs, but alright otherwise."

"And James?"

"He lost a lot of blood," she said with an evenness that attempted to mask her true reaction. "I did some brewing that you and James would probably not approve of, but it did the trick and he's recovering."

"Oh? What sort of brewing could you do in this recession?" Remus asked, curious.

"It's an older potion. Some might call it primitive."

"Blood magic, you mean?"

"Well it worked. It was either that or St. Mungo's, as Sirius wanted."

"It was that bad?" Remus asked, shocked.

Lily didn't answer, which made him feel even worse. Hospital was only ever the last resort. The fact that it was _Sirius's _suggestion was a testament to the severity of the situation.

He ran a hand through his hair. How could his friends even bear to look at him, after he caused so much damage, had nearly killed one of them?

"Remus, you were influenced by another. It's not your fault. Remember that."

He huffed angrily in response.

"Merlin. I shouldn't have said anything," said Lily rubbing her forehead. "Whoever said honesty was the best policy must not have had _any_ friends at all."

This made him grin slightly through his clenched teeth, amused despite his frustration.

"No, I'm glad you told me. The others wouldn't have," he said, rubbing the skin above his lip in thought. The stubble prickled. "What can I do to make it up to them?" he asked.

Lily shrugged. "I can't see that there's anything you need to make up for. Though it might be something that the Order should know about... if it was a targeted thing. You know how you apparated here?"

"Yes, I know, Sirius already told me about it."

Lily frowned. "Oh." There was a beat of silence before she continued. "We didn't discuss it at all; we just must have reached the same conclusion." She smiled. "If that is the case, I don't know what it says about me and Sirius that our minds worked the same way as theirs do."

"I wouldn't worry about that. No one could doubt your moral fibre," he said. _Although I begin to fear the same can no longer be said for Sirius._..

x

James awoke feeling remarkably peaceful. He couldn't remember the last time he'd slept so well.

Cracking open one eye slightly let him judge by the light that it was morning, probably nearly breakfast time. He didn't bother finding his spectacles to check the clock, for he had no intention of leaving his bed.

A moment later after snuggling deeper into the covers he realised that it wasn't _his_ bed, nor was he alone.

Bits of the previous night came back to him, first in a blurry haze but after a time with more and more clarity. The forest he remembered very well, it was what happened after they met the second werewolf that things grew vague.

_That was pretty rough night_, he thought grimly, thankful that he was even able to wake up at all, let alone feeling this good.

He looked at Lily, asleep on her side of the bed, her back facing him.

_Blood of a woman, lovingly given_...

He eased closer, attempting to put his arm around her without her waking.

He failed.

She roused and turned to face him. "How are you feeling?" she asked sleepily, and not, James was pleased to note, making any attempt to remove herself from his arms.

"Brilliant, thanks to you," he said, pulling her in tighter.

She nuzzled her head into his shoulder. "I couldn't have done it without Peter and Sirius, you know," she said, closing her eyes again as she yawned.

Stroking her hair, he asked. "Remus?"

"Found him within an hour after sunrise. Sent him home to rest. He mirrored a little while ago to check on you."

"Told him I was fine, I hope."

She yawned again and hummed. He smiled and whispered, "Go back to sleep, heart. Sorry I woke you."

She exhaled hugely, adjusting her legs so they intertwined with his, and was asleep again in moments.

It felt right, having her in his arms again. It felt like... like coming home at last.

He himself fell back asleep not long after, stroking her hair until he dropped off.

x

"Remember the time when Saturdays were just an open window when we were free to do whatever we wanted?" said James wistfully.

They were still in Lily's bed, slowly attempting to convince themselves to get up, even though it was already afternoon.

"That went out the window a long time ago. I can't remember the last time we were able to devote an entire day solely to our amusement."

"Oh, I do," said James. "Quite distinctly. Best day in recent memory."

Lily lifted an eyebrow. "Oh?"

He gave her a mischievous grin. "I woke up with your mouth around me, for starters." He noticed her blush and look away but he carried on nostalgically. "We went to the Quidditch museum, had drinks with the lads, watched the Harpies play the Wasps, bought new Oakshafts with ash handles, had more drinks with the lads, went home, and talked about the family of seven children we'd have. A full Quidditch team's worth, remember?"

Lily cleared her throat, hiding her face with her hair, which she pretended she suddenly needed to comb with her fingers. "And you'd be the coach... I remember."

They'd made love four times that day; he recalled each encounter clearly. "Times like that don't come around often..." he reflected, suddenly gloomy.

"Everything else gets in the way," she said.

"It's only a war," he said. "It shouldn't be _that_ disruptive." He meant it as a joke, but it didn't work.

"It's not _just_ the war," she remarked, causing James to frown quizzically.

"What—" he began, but she cut him off.

"How about a game of chess, for old time's sake?" she suggested with a cheeriness James suspected she didn't feel. "We might not be able to waste a whole day, but we can spare a half hour for a game."

"Why not," said James, still bemused. He watched as she left the room, still wondering about her remark, before thinking that he'd better follow her into the sitting room if they were to play. But it turned out that wasn't necessary. Lily brought the board back to the bed, fixing it in place with an easy stabilising charm.

x

"I was black last time so now it's my turn to start," said James. Lily was surprised he remembered who was what, _she_ certainly didn't.

Nostradamus nosed his way into the room looking for company. Though of course by the way he idled in, looking everywhere but the bed, he obviously didn't want them to _know_ that's what he was doing. When finally the cat deigned to notice them it was with a sort of fake surprise. '_Oh, you're here too, are you? Fancy that. You might as well pet me, seeing as we are both here and you aren't doing anything important.'_

Lily made scratching motions on the bed cover and the feline's ears perked up, and a moment later he leapt onto the bed, making himself comfortable in her lap.

She stroked him as she played, though if she ever grew too intent on the game and stopped petting, Nostradamus reminded her with a headbutt, or by threatening to knock down all the pieces by strolling over them.

"Zugzwang," James commented with a grimace.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Hmm..." James rubbed his lips in concentration. "_Tzoog-tsvang_," he said slowly, his eyes still canning the board in consideration, "is being obligated to make a move, even though your pieces are better off where they are. Pity you can't pass in chess."

"Zugzwang," she said, testing the word. Lily had been playing chess since she was in first year, but she didn't know the names for any strategies or moves.

"Oh well," he said, moving a knight into harm's way, as he had no other choice. Lily took it with her bishop.

"And now, my dear," he said several minutes later, "is an example of _zwischenzug_."

He then proceeded to do something that completely took her by surprise. The obvious move was to avoid losing the bishop her previous move had put in jeopardy but instead he did something entirely unexpected. He moved _his_ bishopinto direct confrontation with her castle, forcing her to deal with the situation he'd created, rather than the reverse.

"It's sort of like putting your opponent in check. He can't do anything until he's manoeuvred his king in a safe position. Except this time it's not your king in danger."

"I see."

This threw her off and gave him the advantage, making the board safer for his pieces and keeping _her_ now on the defensive.

Thinking that if James were left to focus entirely on the game, she would lose, Lily decided to distract him with conversation.

"So I'm doing a cross-discipline project for History of Magic."

"You're not even _taking _History of Magic anymore," James commented.

"True, but the project is the _history_ of other subjects. Besides, Binns won't be my supervisor."

"Let me guess. Flitwick?" he said, with a visible amount of disapprobation. She knew it wasn't the wizard James disapproved of, but the subject he taught.

"Yes," she said, lifting her chin defiantly.

"It seems that all of your joint projects are Charms and something else," he complained as he castled. "Why not transfiguration?"

"Well, charms are particularly versatile, and practical. Your average witch or wizard does more charms in a day than anything else. Besides, it's not just Charms I'm doing. I'm including Potions as well."

James rolled his eyes. "_Naturally._"

"Even _you _can't say that's not interesting."

"History of potion-making? Oh, absolutely riveting," he said rolling his eyes.

_ "_The _evolution _of magic!" she said excitedly. "I mean, really, _History_ of Magic is just a history of magical _society_, it doesn't go into the history of magic itself, or if it does it only touches on certain things when making a point of an historical character. Like alchemy and Nicholas Flamel, for example. Have you seen spellbooks from the 1600s? The wrist movements, when they are actually included, are quite different from today's, usually much less complex. Even the wording of spells. And all the new spells and potions that have been created? Why and how they were created, and does that say something about our society that the spells were needed. And all the spells and potions that fell out of use and why. And the change of the _language_ of spells over time."

"How many rolls of parchment are you planning on using for this?" he asked. "Four hundred? Five?"

She grinned sheepishly. "Well of course I'll have to narrow down the subject matter to a few examples otherwise it would be a book."

"In three volumes," he added jokingly. "So you think that magic is evolving?"

"No, not the magic itself, only our techniques in channelling it."

"So we are perfecting spells as we go along..."

"Making them more efficient and suited to our needs at the time. Potions too. That's where the most change has occurred, without question. It used to be a dash of this a splash of that, hope and a prayer that it turns out the way you wanted. Now it's an exact art, a refined science. Just think of what potion-making might be in another 200 years!"

James smiled. "After you're through with it, who knows?"

This little statement made Lily inordinately pleased at the thought that she would one day have an effect on potioneering, but also slightly embarrassed, as she knew that James was probably just teasing. She felt her cheeks redden, and kept her face down by studying the board, even though it was his turn to move.

It was a minute before he spoke again, though quietly and with no trace of taunting. "Truly though, you are a great potioneer. I shouldn't be giving you a hard time about it when it was an ancient potion that saved me last night." Another pause. "I don't really remember everything, but... thank you."

"Well, we did give you essence of poppy, so I guess it's no surprise you can't remember," she said lightly, though inwardly she was disappointed. "What _do_ you remember?" she asked, slightly nervous.

"If you mean, do I remember you cutting yourself open and bleeding into a cauldron, then yes, I remember that. But seeing as you were supervised and it was for a good cause, I suppose I can forgive you for using blood magic," he said, winking at her. "Just this once."

She grinned weakly back, and in her distraction, foolishly moved a pawn that flanked her knight.

He immediately took the now vulnerable piece with his queen.

She allowed her disappointment to show, as he would assume it was due to the loss of her piece, when truly she was upset he didn't remember his confession of the night before. _No matter what_. She had been wondering if there would be any chance of his confirming that statement when he wasn't high on poppy juice and blood loss. Apparently not.

Instead, she recounted how they had all worked together to get the potion made in time, and they chuckled together as she recounted how the dream vapours had made Sirius loopy and had nearly knocked him out.

It came to her in a sudden stroke and she immediately stopped laughing.

"Oh gods... that_'s it!_" she said slowly. "That's **it**!"

To James' evident surprise she pounced on him, knocking the board over and sending chessmen in every direction. Lily pawed through his robes, groping for the inner pocket that contained the mirror.

"Sirius!" she called out before she even had the mirror facing the right way. She nearly lost her balance and fell off the bed, but James, seeing her starting to topple, steadied her.

A moment later, Sirius appeared, looking politely confused. "Cariad?"

"Dreams, Sirius. Do you think you could get us some?"

"Yes..." he said uncertainly. "Why?"

"You know how when we were brewing and the fumes nearly knocked you out?"

Sirius nodded. Lily looked down at James beneath her, unable to stop grinning like a madwoman. "I think a nap would do our lads in the Research Room some good," she said, feeling quite puckish.

Looking back to the mirror, she saw his beautiful face likewise broke out into a large mischievous smile. "Coming right up," he growled. The last thing she heard before the connection broke was Sirius's wicked chuckle.

Lily looked back down at James, whose hands were still holding her at the hips.

"Well now," he said, smirking, trailing his palm down her thighs and up again. "This is quite the development."

"Indeed it is," she agreed, still beaming with triumph and hands pressing into his chest suggestively. When he rocked his hips up she laughed and rolled off of him and the bed altogether. "Let's get to work!"

James propped himself up on his elbows and looked at her. "Tease."

"I don't deny it. But come on, we've got lots of plans to finalise!" She grabbed his hands and pulled him off the bed. James, though pretending to pout, was obviously just as pleased as she was that they'd finally found a way to get the map out of the Ministry. If all went well, one would be able to apparate freely without the government watching their movements. This, of course, would be a considerable boon for the Order, who had been limited in their mobility because of the map.

x

Remus was lying on the couch the Monday morning following the full moon when the front door burst open with abnormal enthusiasm. A moment later, an utter stranger with full beard and brief-case hauled himself through the doorway, looking jubilant.

"Oi!" cried Remus, instantly on his feet with his wand out.

Laughing, the old man said, "Calm down, Moony, it's me. You must admit I've a right to come into my own home if I want."

The voice was certainly that of Sirius and Remus relaxed. Advancing, he looked closely at the face behind the wrinkles and whiskers. "Merlin, Padfoot," he said, surprised and impressed at the transformation. Now that he was looking, he could tell by the quicksilver eyes that it was his friend, but he had been completely taken in by the disguise. "What's all this?"

Sirius shut the door and pulled the briefcase to his chest. "This, this is what triumph looks like, my friend," he crowed, giving the holdall a proud pat.

"Looks like triumph has seen better days. You look frightful."

"I look amazing and you know it." All the same Sirius vanished the beard and wrinkles and removed a wig. Remus hadn't been aware that it had been a wig, but he ought to have known Sirius would treat his own hair that way, frizzled and grizzled, dry and crackling.

"What have you got there?" Remus asked. He suspected the answer would explain why he'd been out the entire night.

Sirius's smile took on a complacent, expectant edge. "That there, Moony, is what dreams are made of," he said. "I'm just going to change and then I'll be off again."

Sirius bounded up the stairs two at a time, growl-laughing the whole way.

Curiously, Remus undid the two latches and opened up the case. Brightly coloured streams leapt up but not out of the case, like salmon in a river. They wriggled and writhed through themselves, unaware of each other, but someone never colliding.

_Dreams_.

Remus's heart sank. Latching it up again, he pushed the case away from him. So disappointed and at a loss as to what he could do, Remus sank onto the sofa and tried to collect his thoughts.

Unfortunately Sirius finished changing and descended (still euphoric) before Remus had come to any conclusions. Sirius snatched up the case, holding it almost tenderly in his arms.

"What's it for?" Remus asked, pretending as if he hadn't snooped while his friend was gone.

"Order stuff," Sirius answered simply, looking giddier than Remus had seen him in a long while.

Remus flinched at the lie. What could the Order possibly want with illegal, and in all probability, stolen, dreams? No, he didn't approve, but couldn't Sirius at least confide in him? And covering his own habit with the Order as an excuse, of all things. Remus was worried. Lying about an illegal habit, and lying about the Order was a bad sign, and who knew where it might lead. He wasn't hurting anyone but himself so far as Remus could tell, but how far would it carry on?

"Sirius," Remus began uncertainly. "I think we need to talk."

"Oh?" his friend replied, curious. "Alright, but first I've got to go to the castle. We can talk when I get back."

"Good," said Remus, feeling slightly better already.

Except Sirius didn't come back. Not that evening, or at all that night. Remus waited up until three in the morning before falling into an uneasy sleep, wondering if Sirius were passed out in a den somewhere.

x

"Cariad!" he sang when he entered her rooms. Lily looked up from the parchment she was perusing and, upon seeing the case he carried, stood up and approached him hopefully.

"Are those…?"

"Your dreams," he confirmed. "Your dreams come true."

She laughed. "How many of those vile aphorisms have you made today?"

He grinned back. "Only a few."

She opened the case and gawked for a moment at the beautiful swimming colours. "They're so lovely," she remarked. "How did you get them so fast?"

"With a little help, admittedly. You mirrored just after I'd just woken from the effects of that potion you gave me, marvellous stuff, by the way. I haven't slept that well in…" Sirius realised he was revealing too much and went back to the original explanation. "Anyway, I spent all of Saturday and Sunday arranging things and managed to lift them this morning."

"You are wonderful. Have I ever told you that?" she asked, tearing her eyes away from the dreams to give him a quick hug and a loud smack on the cheek.

"Not nearly often enough, Cariad."

She closed the case before turning back to him. "What shall we do to celebrate?" she asked, grabbing both his hands and spinning in a circle.

"My, what a jolly mood you're in," he commented, still smiling. It was rare to see her this happy.

"You've _put_ me in a good mood. All we need is for James to confirm that we've still got the window and we'll have our chance at getting the map at last. Merlin, Sirius, I want that map so badly!" She squeezed his hand tightly, as if showing him through force how much she wanted it.

"I'm afraid celebrations will have to wait though. I've got a class to teach after all."

"Oh," she stopped spinning them around. "Right, of course."

"You could come with," Sirius suggested, disappointed to see her thrumming energy falter so abruptly. He picked up spinning them again. "You could watch me lecture, and we could have one of our famous debates after. I'm sure it will be educational enough for the others."

"Hmm… what are you lecturing on?"

Sirius stopped, just now considering it. He shrugged. "Don't know yet."

"Didn't James leave you a lesson plan?" she asked.

"On his desk."

"Don't you want to get there and review a bit before class? You have…" She turned to the wall clock and gasped. "Five minutes! Sirius, you've got to go!"

He was laughing at her even as she physically shoved him toward the door. She was Head Girl, sure enough, horrified at the idea of being tardy.

Once out in the corridor he turned around again, stopping her from shutting the portrait. "You'll be here after, yes? I've got some news for you."

She tilted her head to one side. "What sort of news?"

He tapped his fingers casually on the doorframe, waiting for her impatience to mount.

"Well are you going to tell me or aren't you?"

"After class," he said, leaning in to kiss her atop her head quickly before turning around again.

"Sirius!" she whined. "I have Transfiguration and then Charms! Can't you tell me now?"

"Of course, Cariad. But it's quite a long story and will most certainly make me late."

"Oh hang, you already are late! Get out of here, you insufferable man."

"I thought I was wonderful," he pouted.

She rolled her eyes."_Completely_ insufferable!"

"After classes then?"

"Yes, in the kitchens. _Go!_"

.

He _was_ late, but the class was waiting patiently when he arrived. It was obvious by their faces that James hadn't managed to inform them they'd be having a substitute.

"Good morning, class," he drawled.

"Good morning, Professor Black," they chorused together.

Sirius managed not to snort at the title. He thought briefly of the lesson plan still waiting for him to go over on James's desk before he started talking.

"What," he began, addressing the entire room, "is the biggest Dark threat that we face in our society today? Yes, you," he said, pointing at a girl with two plaits that fell from both sides of her head onto her shoulders.

"You-Know-Who," she said.

"I think most can agree on that point," Sirius agreed. "But _what_," he said, then stopped himself and restated the question. "Who can tell me what their most powerful weapon is. Naturally he and his Death Eaters use magic, use the dark arts, but what is their single most powerful weapon that furthers their cause, that brings them closer to their goals?"

"Unforgivables?" suggested one student, without raising his hand.

Sirius shook his head and looked around for someone else. He pointed at another girl.

"Fear," she said smugly.

Sirius grinned. "Getting closer. I'll give you a hint: it won't be mentioned anywhere in the text."

The class frowned, and those who had been searching in the books for the answer shut them and stared off in one direction or another trying to find the answer.

"Eschewing personal desires, what isThe Dark Lord's primary aim? What is it he and his Death Eaters are trying to accomplish?"

The girl with the plaits raised her hand, shyly this time. Sirius nodded to her.

"To 'purify' magical society," she replied, looking down at her desk. One could hear the quotation marks in her voice around the word _purify._

"Just so," said Sirius. "He wants muggleborns and those of lesser blood out of society, by execution or eviction. Is that about right?"

Mumbled agreements sounded mutedly from around the room.

"So how is that accomplished?"

No hands.

"Come on," Sirius encouraged. "Some of you must read the Prophet. Have all the muggleborns skipped home or to Azkaban of their own free will then? There's a hint now, prison."

Still nothing. Sirius could tell it wasn't for the lack of ideas, it was just that no one wanted to voice their thoughts, for fear of either their classmates hearing or thinking that he, Sirius, would tear into them if he considered them wrong.

"Why do people get sent to Azkaban?" An easy enough question with a safe enough answer.

And sure enough, several students raised their hands at last. He called on one. "Because they've broken the law."

"And how do you force other people who don't share your opinions to go along with what you want anyway?" He waited for a few moments before answering his own question. "_Make_ it law."

A few quizzical looks showed that he'd have to spell it out.

"If you don't like something, make it illegal and force everyone else to obey. Good people. Law abiding people, will stand by and let almost anything happen so long as someone has told them it's all right. So what I'm going to ask you today, is this. What is politics?" There was a brief pause in which nobody spoke.

"Politics is business," said Sirius loudly but then let his volume drop. "And business… is politics."

He turned around and walked back to the centre of the room to lean against the large teacher's desk.

"So going back to what I asked at the start, what is the most powerful force used by the Dark Lord? Not the dark arts at all, but simple policy.

"Now, politics doesn't happen in Ministry boardrooms. It happens in homes at tea parties, or over drinks of brandy, or in private gatherings where groups of likeminded people can meet and talk. The Ministry is just the arena, the stage where the final production is put on. This is how the Dark Lord and his supporters can operate. Obviously, the Dark Lord isn't sitting as the Minister of Magic, and there probably aren't _too_ many Death Eaters sitting in the Wizengamot. But they don't need to be. They have at their disposal the best of all possible tools. Who can tell me what?"

"The Imperius?"

"Money?" two students said at once.

Sirius smirked. "A tricky combination of both, I expect, but the answer I was looking for _was_ gold, well done Miss White," he said, acknowledging her with a nod. "With substantial sums of money you can buy support and with substantial support comes power, and with substantial power, you can pass almost any law you want that serves your purpose. And this is what makes them so effective. This is why their operation is so effective and why they dominating government."

"I wouldn't say they are _dominating_…" opined one student, a boy with a turned up nose whose brown hair was slicked back, unbecomingly, in Sirius' opinion.

Sirius gave him an unimpressed look.

"Not only do theymarginalise their enemies, but they get _everyone else _to do it, whether they were against them originally or not. They make it law for every muggleborn to be marked, in effect, as inferiors and give them curfews. They manage to have the budget of the Muggle Relations office cut. It is hardly coincidence that all this gold is flowing into the government and yet they need to downsize departments. Not all departments, of course. Magical Law Enforcement recruits are going up, so that these new laws can be enforced, yet the funding for the aurory itself had gone down, the group actually charged with catching dark wizards. And of course, the ombudsmen that investigated any complaints had also been cut. In effect, making it law that muggleborns have no options and no resources."

Sirius, despite his personal contempt for government, couldn't help admire that ruthless and effective way they achieved their goals. He snorted at the thought before continuing.

"A group of people can be reduced to humiliating conditions without a single law broken. But you're right, _dominating_ isn't the right word. It's too ugly. Let's say… prevail? No, _sway_. That has such a relaxed feel to it. Nothing to get worked up over a little _sway_."

"You make it all sound like some kind of conspiracy," the boy said again. "I'm not saying one way or the other, but it's not like anyone was _forced _to leave. They _chose_ to go back to the muggle world. It's where they belong, after all." The boy's lip curled into a sneer, reminding Sirius so much of an arrogant Lucius Malfoy.

An image flashed through Sirius's mind. A gratifying scene of him slicing the boy open with quick slash of his wand and watching that smug expression drain from the boy's face as the blood drained from his body. He deserved it. But Sirius contained himself, of course. No matter how satisfying such an action would be, it wouldn't do. The boy _wasn't_ Lucius, he told himself, but Sirius could see the boy's true colours, knew that he'd be trouble. He hated him already.

Naturally, he let none of this show on his face and carried on his lecture, ignoring the itch in his palm that wanted him to grip his wand.

"So what, you may ask, can be done to fight against this? You can move anyone to pity or indignation by telling them a story of abuse, but it's not going to change anything. In nine cases out of ten, no, ninety-nine out of a hundred, you won't persuade them to actually _do_ anything. And why should they? It's not worth their effort. Why should they risk their own lives and reputations for so little personal reward?

"In order to fight the Dark, one needs gold to effectively accomplish that. This is why You-Know-Who's lot is winning, and the muggleborn supporters are losing. Because they lack the resources, the numbers and capability. The best way to for any side to gain power in this day and age is with liberal but strategic distribution of _gold_, which can buy you strategic and effective support, and therefore the power of decision making. Of course, ideology moves but it is_ money_ that motivates." He strode a few paces to the centre of the room and addressed the class. "With enough money and support, with enough sway and coercion—legislation, laws can be passed to enforce whatever they want. Just because something is illegal it doesn't make it dark. And just because something is legal, that doesn't mean it's good. _Practitioners of the Dark Arts aren't always outside the law,"_ he boomed. "Indeed, that's the whole point of this lecture. Not only do they work within the law, but they _make _the laws, the better to achieve their own aims."

"Scary thought," said one student.

"It's a scary fact of life," Sirius corrected serenely. "And the sooner you come to grips with that the sooner you can forget about it."

"Forget about it?" or variations thereof came from several students throughout the classroom.

"Why not? It's easier. Most likely all of you here in this room aren't going to be directly affected by the laws dark wizard supporters pass, so why should you care? Most of those who are directly affected, as you may have noticed…_ are no longer here._ Mission accomplished as far as the law-makers go, and really, how much has it _actually_ affected you? We are the privileged ones, though of course, some of us are more privileged than others," he said, lifting his chin. "So you see, it's quite easy, and probably better for you, to forget about things that you aren't going to bother trying to change. And why should you? Distance negates responsibility."

"Forgive me, Professor Black, but that's just abhorrent," remarked a boy whose name Sirius couldn't recall, but whom he quite distinctly remembered having caught outside the castle at a Quidditch match with the Ferris boy a few months passed.

"Is it?" Sirius asked earnestly. What he lacked in moral fibre he made up for in loyalty to those who _did_ have moral fibre.

"Saying that we should turn a blind eye to injustice goes against the principles that Professor Potter has been teaching us this entire year."

"Professor Potter should have been teaching you how to keep yourselves safe, not about justice or injustice. I've simply been telling you that not all things harmful come directly from the end of an enemy wand. Sometimes quite different forces all together move against you, and I told you how best to combat them. However, if you are not in danger, then there's no need for you to defend yourself. End of story."

"But—"

"The best way to defend yourself, is to not get involved. If you do, they'll only come after you. Stay quiet, stay out of it, and you stay safe, and isn't that the point?"

"I suppose that depends," said the boy. "On what your priorities are."

Sirius stopped himself from smiling, but had they been alone he would have clapped the boy's shoulder.

"Indeed. Class dismissed."

They looked around at one another, confused, speaking lowly to their neighbours. He knew the lecture had been short, disjointed and contradictory, but he was done with it.

"Go on! Class is over. Out!"

They gathered their things, darting quick glances a Sirius and hurriedly looking away as they shuffled out of the room.

"You. What's your name?" Sirius asked of the boy. The boy who had been at the Wasps/Harpies match.

"Davies, sir. Colum Davies." Sirius was unsurprised by the Welsh surname. The boy had the same faint accent as Lily had, one that came from perhaps a mixed household, or simply several years hiding the true accent and accommodating to school-mates' speech patterns.

"You did well today, Davies," said Sirius.

"Thanks. But if you don't mind my asking, sir, what happened to your voice?" the boy said. "It's… quite different from before."

Sirius studied him for a moment before loosening his cravat, pulling the collar away from the scar on his throat. "Sorting out my priorities," he explained.  
x

Lily was sitting in Charms class, doing her homework for the last half hour of the lesson. Usually Flitwick would have her help other students but since she'd been Marked, not many people cared to be helped by her anymore. Not in public, anyway. They'd secretly approach her, or come to her in her rooms to have her explain things or help them practice. Four people in that very class had clandestinely sought out her help, but now they pretended like she wasn't there.

It was better than being called names, she supposed. Being ignored was preferable to being abused.

She'd just finished her second paragraph when a tapping sounded at the window next to her. A strange owl fluttered behind the glass, having no decent place to perch. Owls weren't made for hovering, and it was an obvious struggle for the creature. Lily instantly vanished the glass so the bird could come through.

It landed unceremoniously on her desk, scattering her notes in the process but Lily didn't pay it much mind. She was taken by the seal on the letter the bird carried. It was from the Ministry, _certified _post. She wouldn't get the letter unless she'd signed to confirm she'd received it. After checking it for any dark or harmful spells, she signed, and the bird flew away again with only the receipt.

Lily had never got such a letter before. From whom could it be?

She didn't dare open it in class, but in case it was urgent (or bore bad news) she didn't want to wait until the end of the lesson either.

Glancing to the front of the room she noticed that Flitwick was eyeing her questioningly. She rose to approach him.

"May I go to the toilet?" she asked.

He nodded. "Yes, please do," he said, waving her out. She knew the tiny Charms professor was fully aware what she was actually doing, and was thankful he'd let her leave.

She warded herself in the nearest empty classroom and broke the seal. The wax did not crumble or fall to the stone floor, but came cleanly apart when she tapped it with her wand.

It was from Alastor Moody. Reading further she discovered that he had been following the updates she'd given him on her research on vampires' ability to take life and was owling her with an opportunity. Her last note to him two weeks ago had outlined her progress, but stressed that she couldn't do more than conjecture without a live (undead) subject. Now it seemed he had one. He'd recently arrested a vampire who had volunteered to aid her in her research. If she was interested, stop by his office for the particulars.

Lily blinked, reading over the missive again, making sure she'd got it right. Although she wasn't _really_ supposed to know other Order members' tasks and missions, it was no secret to her that Moody's job to sort out getting that life stealing stone away from Voldemort. Although Lily didn't actively help him in that respect, he wanted to know as much about the object as possible, which is where she came in.

_'He must be getting desperate for answers,' _she thought. '_Or close to acquiring the stone._"

That thought thrilled and terrified her.

Guiltily, Lily admitted that her research lately had been more about blood wards and magical branding, but this note had ignited within her fresh enthusiasm. She resolved to go to Moody at once.

After gathering her belongings (from both Flitwick's classroom and her own chambers) and visiting the Headmaster's office for permission to go to London, Lily set off.

She was already outside descending the stone steps before she remembered Sirius. She turned around and marched back inside, heading for the kitchens.

He was there waiting for her, looking pleased with himself but bored in general.

"I'm afraid I'll have to take a rain-check," she said. "Got an owl from Moody; need to head down to London."

Sirius frowned. "That's what Prongs says. Sounds strange coming from you."

"Want to come? We can eat in muggle London after and you can tell me your news."

Sirius tiled his head, considering, before nodding his assent. "What's all this about, then," he asked as they strode toward Hogsmead at a quicker pace than usual.

"You know that stone the Dark Lord uses to steal life? Well we've linked it to vampirism, and studying how vampires take life for themselves, instead of just killing, has been one of the things I'm meant to be doing."

"That's why you tasted my blood," said Sirius.

She nodded. "Moody has an opportunity for me. Hence…" Lily gestured to path that was leading them to Hogsmeade and therefore London.

x

It took only a moment to see that they were all still Imperiused. Mr. Bold, the one man who controlled them all, was at lunch, still at the usual time. Suppressing a triumphant shout, James crept through the Research room into the next chamber, where the floo system was monitored. He watched a minute as green lights dashed from one miniature grate to another but then turned to leave. It was then he noticed another door. Most likely a storage closet, but the question of _what_ it stored tugged at James's curiosity so insistently he couldn't turn away. He checked to make sure that the monitor was thoroughly focussed on his work before reaching out an invisible hand to the door handle.

It was locked.

James withdrew the knife he'd borrowed from Sirius, the knife with which he planned to pry the map itself off the wall. His friend said it would unlock any lock, and undo any knot.

Inserting the blade as quietly as he could, he gave it a jiggle and a turn, holding his breath in hopes that 1.) the knife worked and 2.) the noise wouldn't alert the other man in the room to James's presence. It was a risk he really shouldn't have been taking. He told himself that no matter what was in that closet, it wasn't worth risking the entire operation.

And yet he couldn't _not_ know.

Palm sweating, he eased the penknife clockwise and could feel, rather than hear, the workings of the lock yielding to it. Pressing himself against the handle to muffle any sound, he gave it a final forceful turn and felt the doorknob judder in success.

James gritted his teeth and looked back to the only other person in the room, a thin, balding fellow still intent on his work.

He should wait. Now that he knew the knife would work on the door he should wait until next week when he and Lily had knocked them all out. Then he could look inside without the risk of getting caught.

And yet…

He was already halfway to finding out already. He might not be caught. The man under the Imperious was probably instructed to keep his eyes on the grates at all times, and considering how long he must have been under the Unforgivable curse, it was likely that the poor man was unaware of everything else but his task by now. He'd stop struggling some time ago, to judge by his clouded eyes.

Deciding, he turned the handle and pulled the door open. It whinged a bit but the man didn't turn around at the noise.

James exhaled in relief and squeezed himself through the narrow opening, afraid that pushing the door wider would bring it into the man's peripheral vision.

A brazier on the wall sparked to life upon his entrance, lighting the small area which seemed only to hold a lectern, not unlike the one in his classroom (though he never used it.) On it, opened somewhere in the middle, was what looked like a ledger. Before leaning over it to examine it more closely, James eased the door behind him closer but didn't shut it entirely, because only a ninny would lock themselves in a closet.

James skimmed the page it was opened to. It was a list of names, next to each was written in a neat hand their magical capabilities. Though it was alphabetical it was obviously not a list of the entire magical population. After flipping through a few pages, James determined that it was actually a collection of witches and wizards who were considered magically powerful enough to be a threat.

Flicking through the book, James looked up his fellow Order members. Sirius's name wasn't even there, which proved that it wasn't a true and magically compiled catalogue. It was wizard made, with built in prejudice. Unsurprising that Sirius wasn't there, as only his teachers and friends knew how strong a wizard he really was. It had been Sirius's goal since graduation not to look too capable, lest the other side try to recruit him.

Albus Dumbledore had the longest description of anyone, Order or otherwise. Lists of his major magical accomplishments, noting as well that he could cast silently and wandlessly among many other things including _– Alchemist_.

He was relieved to see that they didn't know much about Lily, though they obviously knew enough to put her name down. It mentioned nothing of her wandless or wordless abilities. It only said: **Evans, Lily**— _Warder_.

James wasn't sure what exactly that meant, other than she was good with wards. Was there some special class of witch or wizard that word implied? James scribbled the word down in the notepad he used for his auror work so he'd know to research it later. After putting it back in his pocket he continued scanning.

Next to Remus Lupin it merely noted: _Lycanthrope—magic unstable/unknown. _

"Ooh… Hello _Dorcus!_" he whispered, impressed. The ministry considered her to be incredibly dangerous, even more so than Minerva McGonagall on the same page, where the Transfiguration teacher was listed as a powerful animagus. Unable to resist checking his own status, James turned a few pages to the P's.

His eyebrows flew up in surprise, and found it a bit difficult not to be proud of himself. He was considered just as dangerous as Dorcus, and a short description of his power, followed by an overview of how he'd immobilised an entire village with one spell as an example.

Looking up the page he searched but didn't find Peter. He wasn't wholly unsurprised. Though Peter's spells did have a reckless sort of punch all their own, it was unlikely that anyone but the Marauders would have noticed.

It made James wonder, however, just who exactly compiled that list. He frowned, thinking of how disastrously effective it would be if N.E.W.T. examiners were to offer up names of powerful students. They'd get a more complete picture of Lily, that was sure.

James shook himself, turning the book back to the page it had originally been open to.

_Shit._

How long had he spent looking at that damned ledger? Bold was back from his break. James didn't dare take out his pocket-watch now to check the time, but he would have to make sure next week when he and Lily came to move the make they'd have to do so quickly. Bold could only have been gone twenty minutes at most. More likely fifteen.

As this Bold fellow wasn't imperiused, James trod extra carefully, afraid that the tiniest sound might alert him. No doubt he was the one who'd maintained the Unforgivable on the others. The door was latched closed, there was no way of getting around it. He'd just have to open it himself and fly out of there at all speed.

No, that would make Bold suspicious, might even cause him to change his routine, slamming the window of opportunity.

Thinking quickly, he knocked on the door three good hard raps. The other men clearly noticed the noise, but kept their eyes on the map. Bold rose to answer the door.

At first, the man only opened it slightly, a shoulder's width, placing his own body in the gap. James cursed his bad luck. But then, frowning, Bold stepped out into the hallway, looking for this mysterious visitor. James slipped out behind him, moving surreptitiously along the wall with the aid of a few silencing charms he quickly cast.

.

Moody's office door was shut when he returned to the aurory. He wanted to ask Mr Slope (the new secretary) with whom Moody was in a meeting, but an Unspeakable stood by the door, no doubt waiting for Moody as well. James stiffened slightly and held his tongue while in the Mysteries wizard's earshot. It was ridiculous, he knew, but he couldn't help distrusting the lot of them. A loud and fearful child in him wanted him to hide beneath a desk or behind the door, but James straightened his back and went to his desk, as if that had been his purpose all along.

He quickly quilled a note to Moody and left it in the care of Mr Slope. Perhaps it was his own suspicious mind, but James could have sworn that as he passed on his way out he spied the Unspeakable listening in at the head auror's door. There were a few eavesdropping charms, to be sure, but Moody's door was certainly protected from them. Though who knew what tools and arts an Unspeakable had at his disposal.

He went back to Mr Slope's desk, pretending he'd just remembered something, and added to his note to Moody his suspicion about the Unspeakable. He left, unsettled and deflated from his recent triumph in the research room.

His shoes thumped the wooden atrium floor as he crossed to the floo, but a figure at the centre fountain arrested him.

"Sirius? What on earth are you doing here?" he asked, walking towards his friend instead.

"Surveying this gaudy piece of agitprop," he said, eyes going up and down the fountain critically. "Tasteless," he concluded.

"Glad we've cleared that up," said James. "What brings you to the Ministry?"

"Waiting for my dinner companion." James noted the suspect smirk.

"Oh? And who might—"

He didn't get to finish his question though, as Sirius's sneer changed into a small but genuine smile. "And here she be."

James turned in the direction Sirius was looking and blinked. "What are _you_ doing here?" he enquired of Lily.

"Just seen Moody," she answered, her grin both secretive and triumphant.

That answered one question, anyway. Although it disturbed him even more that the Unspeakable might have been eavesdropping on Order business. Once they were back in the castle he'd ask her about it.

"Did _you_ have a productive visit?" she asked him. Though of course he knew her real question was whether or not they would be able to get the map out that same time next week.

"Yes," he answered at once. "Yes, indeed."

She started breathing slightly faster trying to contain her glee. "Good."

x

Lily was just about to tell James she'd see him back at the castle, but just as she opened her mouth she saw him.

Malfoy. Strutting from the lifts as if he owned the whole place, instead of just part of it.

Lily froze, not in fear but in a sort of silent rage. The man had tried to kill her. Severus had seen that it didn't happen but all the same, she didn't feel very forgiving, especially since she felt that if given the opportunity, he wouldn't scruple to try it again. Plus, he'd married Narcissa, who should have been Sirius's. And although she didn't know if she hated or pitied the witch, Lily knew Sirius might actually have been happy, for once. To Lily's mind, Luciuses were what was wrong with the world.

James noticed a moment later, putting an arm around her shoulders as he too put a ready hand to his duel belt.

Sirius did no such thing. He simply strode straight up to Malfoy and greeted him like an old friend, asking him what brought him to the Ministry this fine day. James didn't waste time pulling her towards an exit. Lily resisted only slightly, mourning the loss of such a fine opportunity to hex Malfoy. Not a serious hex, just a little something to remember her by. All the same, the chance had passed, and she was in the sleety grey streets of London again. She jerked out of his grip the moment they were outside, still bitter at the lost opportunity.

"Believe me, I empathise, but hex someone like Malfoy _in_ the Ministry and you'd be arrested on the spot," he said.

She knew he was right, so maintained a dignified (all right, huffy) silence.

Sirius appeared a short while later looking quite smug. "He will be walking around all day before realising I've charmed his roots brown."

Lily gasped. "You didn't!"

"I certainly did," he replied with a sneer.

She flung her arms around him, squeezing him tight. "This is why you're my favourite."

"Oi! I thought I was your favourite!" cried James. She was _almost_ certain it was only mockoutrage, but she backtracked anyway.

"You don't count," she pointed out, which was true as she felt that James was a part of her; he didn't register as _other_, in her mind. She didn't say this aloud, however. Instead she linked an arm through his and began walking. "Are you coming to eat with us? Muggle fare. You can tell us how it went today."

He admitted to having missed not only lunch but breakfast as well, and was keen on getting something in his stomach as soon as possible. So together they dined on muggle fast food to the satisfaction of all. Sirius described how his lessons went in half a dozen words. James's description of his time in the research room was more adequately detailed. In fact, his description of the book of special witches and wizards took up most of the meal.

James cried off going shopping afterward because he had papers to mark and lessons to plan for, so Lily and Sirius went to a chemist to restock her supply of muggle remedies for complaints the Hospital Wing could no longer provide. Grimacing, she had to admit she didn't quite understand _how_ muggle cures worked without magic but she insisted that they did, if a bit differently. (She did _not_ tell him that 'differently' meant 'slower' and 'less consistently'.)

"So tell me the news," she said when they were safely back in her rooms at Hogwarts. He had refused to tell her until they were alone in a secure location.

Sirius grinned, a proud but sincere smirk. "You're going to get published," he said, smiling growing wider.

Lily was stunned. "Truly? They are taking Confessions?"

"I had to edit it a little but I received an owl yesterday. It'll run in the next issue."

She honestly didn't know how to react. She knew, rather than felt, that she was elated. "How did you manage it?"

"The writing spoke for itself," he said. Lily crossed her arms and lifted an eyebrow. "And I might have had a word or two with the editor-in-chief," he admitted as if this were a trifling thing. "Depending on the response in this issue I may have to do a response for next month on blood purity."

"Ah," she said, finally understanding. "That's what you were on about the other day."

"Just so. You can help me with my list." He pulled parchment from his inner robes pocket and unfolded it. "Tell me if I've missed anything."

He cleared his throat.

"_I will be accepted in every establishment I deign to visit._

_ I will likely never be asked by Magical Law Enforcement what I'm doing if I'm out after hours._

_ I don't have to be in before nightfall if I don't choose to be._

_ I am fast tracked in any position I should hold._

_ I will always get the preference over those of lesser bloods._

_ I am not forced to accessorise in any particular way._

_ I will not be judged by a band on my arm._

_ I will rise faster in the workplace._

_ People will automatically assume that I'm more magically capable._

_ I will make more money than the lesser-blooded for doing the exact same job._

_ As a majority of higher ranking positions in the Ministry are held by purebloods, there is a statistical probability that I'm related to someone in the government._

_Any faults I may have won't reflect, or be seen to represent, all those of my blood type._

_ I can have a relationship with whomever I choose without being judged for any social ambitions._

_ Any lapse of judgement on my part can be put down to eccentricity, rather than a fault in my blood._

_ I can travel alone without fear of being targeted and attacked." _He sighed and put the page down. "That's all I've got so far."

"Oh, is that all?" she said, grinding her teeth.

Sirius ignored her. "What else?" he asked.

"How about you are taken seriously when you voice your opinions or offer suggestions in a public setting."

He grabbed a quill and quickly dipped it. "That's good; give me more."

She sighed. "You've given better quality service in most places of business."

"Go on," he said, not looking up from his rapid writing.

_ "_Vendors will let you make purchases on credit without a second thought. People also assume you are correct in your assertions, rather than be immediately doubtful."

"That's much like the first one. I'll combine them." He tapped the parchment with his wand, drying the ink, then tapped it again so it folded itself into a perfect little square. "Might not even have to write it," he reminded her. "With any luck, it'll become the new _cause celebre_ of our day."

"Go on, let me see the final edit of _Confessions_," she said, holding her hand out. "I assume you've got it with you."

He nodded and passed it over to her.

"You made some liberal changes," she remarked, noticing that a quarter of it had been cut.

"You don't want to bash them over the head with your point. They are wrong, you know that. But you won't make any friends telling people what dunderheads they've been. We want to galvanise, not guilt them. Stimulate, not recriminate."

Lily tilted her head in consideration, then shrugged, conceding the point.

"Well," she said, finishing it and handing it back to Sirius. "It doesn't make it glamorous, but at least it will show what it's like to be a mudblood."

Sirius's temper flared as quickly as the burn on her arm. "_Do _stop saying that word! If I've told you once I've told you a hundred times!"

"It's in the bloody _title_!"

"It's in the title only to be eye-catching so people can read it."

"By using the word myself, I give it less meaning, less power," she argued.

"If you used it positively, or even neutrally I daresay that would be the case, but you use it with every bit as much disdain as the most prejudiced pureblood. When you use words like that that separate yourself from _us_, you dehumanise, desensitise, objectify yourself. Once you allow that you aren't one of us you let yourself be treated as if rules for civilised behaviour don't apply to you. You're a witch, damnit! A _brilliant _one. _**Demand**_ the respect you justly deserve!"

"_Everyone _deserves respect; it's not just about me. Brilliant or not, everyone should be able to expect decency, have equal rights and equal treatment."

"And you should start with yourself!"

"We should start with those who need the most help!"

"We should start with those who can use that advantage the most effectively!"

"Gods, Sirius," she said, pulling at her hair. "It's exactly that sort of entitlement attitude that we are fighting in the first place!"

x

James frowned in confusion at the sight of two girls standing at Lily's portrait hole. Was the Head Girl not yet back from London? Before he even reached there himself, he knew she _was_ back, and that Sirius was with her. James could hear him roaring from out in the corridor. A few steps more and he could hear Lily shouting as well.

Apparently it was a day to eavesdrop on Lily, he thought. First the Unspeakable, now two sixth years.

"Did you need to speak with the Head Girl?" he asked.

They nodded, flushing a bit at being caught trying to listen in. But even this close, one couldn't hear the words, just the muffled volume of their fight.

He mumbled the password so the others might not hear and strode in, his own voice raised to a bellow.

"_Do _stop arguing you two!" Immediately they stopped, Sirius straightening from how he was leaning over her, and Lily clenched her teeth and fists, clearly frustrated at being prevented from voicing a counterargument. "Surely we have more important things to do than quarrel amongst ourselves?"

Sirius huffed, crossing his arms and Lily looked to her feet, sheepish. It was she her first extended her hand. "Pax?"

Sirius glared at James, no doubt for interrupting a blazing row which he so enjoyed, but eventually he relented as well. "Of course pax," he said, taking the proffered hand and kissing it. "You know I only want the best for you."

She stood on tip toe and pressed her lips to his cheek. "I know."

James rolled his eyes. "Honestly, can't you just be _civil_ to one another? You're always swinging between extremes, either at loggerheads or fawning all over each other. It's disgusting."

"Jealous?" Lily and Sirius asked as one, both giving him nearly the same coquettish expression. James decided on the spot that the two of them cooperating was even worse than bickering.

He growled. What were they playing at with two sixth years right there? He turned and found that they hadn't followed him in. He poked his head out into the corridor and found them, waiting wide-eyed. He ushered them in.

"Come along, Sirius. These two want to speak to Evans."

"Wela i chi, Cariad."

Lily beamed. "Hwyl far am nawr, Sirius."

She turned to the girls and asked them to sit. James tried not to be offended that she didn't say goodbye to _him_ in any language, but failed. Once the portrait hole shut behind them, he and Sirius turned in opposite directions. Sirius was clearly headed towards the castle doors, and James to his office.

"Where are you going?" James asked, having assumed Sirius would be joining him.

"I beg your pardon," said Sirius. "I didn't know you wanted me." Sirius made to follow him but James put up a hand.

"I don't need you for anything, I just thought…" He stopped, not wanting to sound whiney. "Never mind."

He tried to keep his temper, tried not to show any jealousy. Lily was slowly stealing his best from away from him. Thing was, he didn't resent _her_. James himself didn't spend much time with her anymore and her best friend was gone, who else did she have? But he resented Sirius completely throwing him over for her.

"Right. Will we see you tonight at the Head?"

"Why?"

Sirius let out a bark of laughter. "Does one need a reason to drink with his mates? Only don't tell the lady, I expect we will be behaving _very_ badly." He winked and walked away.

As he walked back to his office, James didn't even remember he'd been in a bad mood.

x

"Hullo, Mum," Peter greeted as he got home from work. She never changed. He only ever remembered her as being short and plump, slightly stooped, with tight springy curls that clung closely to her head. Even when he was a young boy she'd looked like that. She was dressed in her usual aubergine coloured robes and crooked navy hat. Her wrinkled face broke into a genuine smile when she saw him.

"Peter, lovie, be a dear and reset the spell on the geezer. Nuffin but cold water all day."

He dutifully tapped his wand against the boiler and it shuddered with new energy. He ended up doing that every other week. His mother would have him do that forever instead of replacing the bloody thing. Still, he didn't say anything. It didn't _really_ matter after all. It was a simple enough spell. It would just be nice to have things that worked all the time.

"How's your day been?" he asked, heading for the fridge. As usual, his after work snack was there waiting for him on a plate. He pulled it out as his mother fiddled with the wireless.

"Quite scandalous. You'll never believe the pother about what the neighbours have been growing in their back garden. How was work, dear?"

"Usual," he said, sitting with a sigh. The life of a clerk was certainly not as glamorous as that of an auror or wealthy playboy. Even being an impoverished werewolf had some excitement and mystique to it.

Thinking about werewolves brought him back to the full moon, and how wretched he felt about the entire thing. Not just leaving the door unlocked and unlatched but the way he'd let himself be pushed around by that Magical Law Enforcement thug. He lowered the sandwich he had just about to bite into.

"Mum?"

"Yes, dear?" she asked, still fiddling with the wireless, trying to get the ancient thing to find a station that was more music than static.

"Are you… proud of me?" he asked, nervous.

"Of course," she answered at once. Peter could tell the response had been automatic and that she really hadn't given the matter any thought at all.

"Why?" he pursued, sounding pitiful even to himself.

"You're part of the Order, ain't yeh?"she said. Peter twisted guiltily. They weren't supposed to have told anyone, but he hadn't been able to help telling his mother. He wanted her to be impressed. "And I know you know right from wrong," she said, nodding confidently.

Peter's shoulders slumped as he stared glumly at his good was knowing right from wrong if it didn't affect his behaviour? How could anyone be proud of knowing that something was wrong, but not standing up against it? What good was he to his friends if he was too much of a coward to do what he knew was the right thing?

He'd been about to say something, perhaps confess or ask forgiveness, but his mother had gone off dusting in the other room, humming along to the crackling wireless.

Peter pushed away his plate, having lost his appetite for what might have been the first time in his life.

He put his elbows on the table and rested his head in his hands, very much wanting to cry.

x

Lily tried to get comfortable as she read, but the material had her so tense she was literally on the edge of her seat. She'd gone to the restricted section earlier to pick up some background reading on dark magic, and how dark magic makes a dark wizard. Also how wands react to different magic.

Lily had always loved her own wand, but hadn't given it much thought as to how wands were created. She _did_ know that sometimes later in life a witch or wizard might need a new wand to suit them better. She'd always thought that they'd somehow outgrown it, like a garment. But she was learning that wasn't the case. It wasn't that they'd outgrown it, but that they had changed to a point that they were no longer compatible with their own wand. Her own wand was unicorn hair and willow._ "Willow_," she read from Olivander's own text, "_is an uncommon wand wood with healing power, and_ _I have noted that the ideal owner for a willow wand often has some (usually unwarranted) insecurity, however well they may try to hide it. While many confident customers insist on trying a willow wand (attracted by their handsome appearance and well founded reputation for enabling advanced, non-verbal magic) my willow wands have consistently selected those of greatest potential, rather than those who feel they have little to learn. It has always been a proverb in my family that he who has furthest to travel will go fastest with willow."**_

Reading that had both embarrassed and empowered her, and eagerly she read about her core.

"_Unicorn hair generally produces the most consistent magic, and is least subject to fluctuations and blockages. Wands with unicorn cores are generally the most difficult to turn to the Dark Arts." _Take **that**_**, **_James Potter, she thought. If she had been doing dark arts all this time, her wand wouldn't have complied. "_They are the most faithful of wands, and usually remain strongly attached to their first owner, irrespective of whether he or she was an accomplished witch or wizard._

"_Minor disadvantages of unicorn hair are that they do not make the most powerful wands (although the wand wood may compensate) and that they are prone to melancholy if seriously mishandled, meaning that the hair may 'die' and need replacing."**_

She thought of Mercury, and didn't doubt for a moment the behaviour of unicorn hair cores. Not that she _would_ doubt an authority such as Ollivander. The thought that unicorn hair cores 'dying' however, depressed her, and she stroked her wand lovingly, thinking of it for the first time as a feeling intity, instead of just as a very important tool.

She went on to read of Phoenix feather cores, as the three men closest to her, James, Sirius, and Severus, improbably all had then in their wands.

"_This is the rarest core type. Phoenix feathers are capable of the greatest range of magic, though they may take longer than either unicorn or dragon cores to reveal this. They show the most initiative, sometimes acting of their own accord, a quality that many witches and wizards dislike._

"_Phoenix feather wands are always the pickiest when it comes to potential owners, for the creature from which they are taken is one of the most independent and detached in the world. These wands are the hardest to tame and to personalize, and their allegiance is usually hard won."**_

She'd certainly seen evidence of that in James's spell casting. What she had thought of as 'accidental' magic might just have been James' wand doing what it wanted… apart from those times he hadn't even had his wand on him. But she quickly pushed James aside. She was studying the affect of Dark Arts on wizards, how if turns them. That certainly didn't apply to James.

She kept reading for the next several hours. Everything she came across didn't seem knew, though she knew she hadn't read it anywhere else. As she devoured the books she felt that she wasn't _learning_ from them, but that they were confirming what she already knew.

Both Sirius and Severus were Dark wizards. The thought in and of itself didn't sadden her, but the fact that they had been that way since they were _children_ was heartbreaking.

Sirius had been exposed to Dark Arts as a child growing up. It had been all around him, the way he had been treated and the way his family operated. Having been in his house she knew, had _felt _it all around her. That constant proximity affected him greatly, marred him, caused in him what the Dark Arts always causes, a _need_ to harm. Regulus had turned to the Death Eaters. Walburga had been hateful and hurting even to her own family.

That exposure to the dark created within a person's being a need, a compulsion, to hurt others in some way. It was miraculous that Sirius managed to be as pleasant as he usually was. He didn't usually cast dark spells, but he did indeed harm people all the time by insulting them, belittling them, and yes, upon occasion, even hexing them. He emotionally harmed people, and house elves, and himself, to appease those dark impulses. The fact that Sirius still strove to do _good_, to _help,_ not because felt the need to but because he knew it was the right thing to do, doubled her respect for the man.

Severus was also exposed to the Dark as a child. Not dark magic, of course, as his father was a muggle, but the magic isn't required. It was all the intent, of course. And Tobias Snape had been the most ill-intentioned man Lily had ever had the misfortune to meet. Severus had been just as indoctrinated as Sirius had been, just as marinated in dark. He had never had a choice. She didn't know what Severus did to deal with it, apart from brewing harmful potions. He might do other things

She had always thought it, but in this light, it was eerie just how similar Sirius and Severus actually were…

Though they weren't completely blameless. Sirius and Severus had both had let it happen, had dealt with the Dark by feeding rather than fighting it… feeding it anger and hate. So the dark only grew, needing to be fed more and more. In these cases it was almost impossible to stop. According to the text, there would always be urges, not always clamouring to be immediately satisfied, but always lurking, waiting.

.

x _ (To the tune of Gilbert and Sullivan's "Modern Major General")_

_._

James was on his fifth pint before belting out an old Marauder favourite. Though he stumbled over most of the words, he thought he was singing them perfectly. Sirius, had had had just as many, covertly cast a sobering charm on himself every other pint as was his habit. Peter delighted at the start of the old tune, ready to join in when his turn came. Remus wasn't there.

_"I am the very model of a modern Hogwarts Slytherin_

_I can't describe the ignominy or the depths of my chagrin_

_of being duly sorted into such a ghastly house wherein_

_we all sleep under rocks at night, and when we grow we shed our skin._

_In Quidditch, classes, and with girls we lose as soon as we begin_

_With no choice but accept defeat and simply take it on the chin._

_We have no chance to win the Cup; I cannot stand it anymore..._

_Oh, what I wouldn't give to have been sorted into Gryffindor!"_

_"Oh what he wouldn't give to have been sorted into Gryffindor!_" sang Peter faster.

"_Oh what he wouldn't give to have been sorted into Gryffindor!_" echoed Sirius, going higher and even faster.

"_OH what he wouldn't give to have been sorted into – into Gryffindor!_" they both belted.

James resumed the verse.

"_Despite our cop-ro-pha-gi-a for which we've really got the knack…_

_Don't knowif I should wipe my arse from back to front or front to back._"

And they all joined in for the refrain.

"_I can't describe the ignominy or the depths of my chagrin_

_for I'm the very model of a modern Hogwarts Slytherin!_"

"Shut your mudding holes!" shouted several cloaked patrons of the Hogshead before the trio could start the next verse. "Muddy Gryffindors!"

Sirius was almost certain that Aberforth was one of the loudest complainants. He smirked. The old goat had probably been a Slytherin.

James looked ready to defy them all and keep singing, but Sirius dragged him back down into his seat. "Give it up, Prongs, you were butchering it anyway," he said, laughing.

"No I wasn't! Wormtail, I got it right, didn't I?"

Peter hiccoughed violently. "Sounded all right to me."

x

Severus made it his own personal mission to find out who was the late Bunsen's partner in the illicit brewing rig. He didn't recall meeting Lily, but by his notes he knew they'd spoken of it. He had seen Bunsen murdered, but hadn't known he had a partner. _She _must have told him that. He wanted to find out for himself as much as for her. He wouldn't tell the Dark Lord though, not until he was certain of the other person's identity. Perhaps if he brought him this information, he wouldn't have to spend so many evenings spying in the Hogshead.

_Merlin and Morgana_, Severus lamented as the trio broke out into _another_ song. He couldn't make out most the words, nor did he want to. It was torture, being forced to listen to their inanity. If they would talk about Order business, that would be one thing, but instead they plagued him with the most mundane and offensive conversation. And when they weren't crassly discussing one thing or another, they were singing rude songs they'd no doubt invented themselves.

_They think they're so clever._ Severus could write an ode to the stupidity of Gryffindors who converse in public places about private things.

He had noted the werewolf's absence, and had assumed it was because it was past curfew. Though it would have technically allowed if Lupin were in the company of his two pure-blooded friends. Perhaps they'd finally done the sane thing and dumped the lycanthrope. Though Severus hadn't been in on the scheme, he'd heard it through Lucius that they had waited to find out where Lupin went for his transformation, then sent one of their own wolves after him. Just to bate him. Severus didn't know how it had played out, or even if they had gone through with it, but if they had, it would be one explanation for Lupin's absence. None of the others had mentioned it.

It was Black who called an end to their evening, saying that Potter had duties to attend to in the morning.

"Give me regards to Lily," Pettigrew slurred. "She's all right."

Black rolled his eyes. "Glad to know she's got your approval. Now the rest of us can sleep more soundly."

"No, but she is, like. I didn't get it before, but after the other night—" He hiccoughed again, quite violently. "The way she brewed that potion…." Pettigrew let silence linger for a moment before he nodded. "Witch is all right in my book."

_Which potion, _Severus could help but wonder, but nobody mentioned it further. Obviously they had all been there.

Pettigrew stumbled past him and put a knut next to the floo powder jar. He took a handful and disappeared into the green flames.

It looked as if Black were about to do the same, but Potter stopped him.

"Padfoot, wait."

Severus thought he heard Black sigh with regret, but he couldn't be sure.

Black turned around. Both men were standing so close to Severus he could have reached out and touched them if he'd wanted to, but of course he didn't. He turned his face away, focusing on his ale so as not to draw attention to himself.

"Speaking of Lily," the auror began.

Black growled. "What?"

"What were you two shouting about today before I came in?"

"I don't recall," Black replied. "We are always arguing about one thing or another."

"I could hear you all the way down the corridor," Potter said. "You do remember."

"And what if I do? Nothing wrong with wanting to keep a private conversation private, is there?" Severus heard the clear warning, but if Potter did he ignored it.

"It ceases to be private when other people can hear you. You were _screaming_ at her, Padfoot."

If Black heard the warning in _that _statement, he chose to ignore it as well.

"She was screaming back, _Prongs_," he retorted. "No need to come to the rescue, we're well enough matched, she and I."

"_Well matched_, is that how you call it?"

Black's voice dropped, low and too menacing to ignore. "_Yes_. I consider her my _equal_. The highest compliment in my repertoire and a completely foreign concept to you. Perhaps if you pulled your head out of your arse long enough to notice you aren't so bloody superior, _Professor_, she might actually be able to put up with you."

Severus was trying to make sense of all this. He was secretly pleased that it seemed from what Black said that Lily couldn't stand Potter and his big-headed attitude, but what was disturbing was Black's stance. Or rather, that Sirius Black was willing to take James Potter to task for the sake of a girl that really shouldn't be of any concern of either of them. Was the Order so close-knit a group that all members were on intimate enough footing to make the kind of remarks Black had just done?

That kind of knowledge was foreign to Severus. The Dark Lord kept his Death Eaters on a need to know basis. Of course, some of them knew each other and socialised outside of Death Eater life, but it was his master's design that no one know much about anyone else. He didn't want anyone to know the identities of the other followers, should they be taken or want to betray him. A man who knows little, can give little away.

"You don't know what you're talking about," Potter hissed at his best friend.

"Do I not?" he challenged. There was a beat then a sigh. "Didn't you say we had better things to do with our time than quarrel?"

"I don't want to argue. I just want to know what you two were fighting about."

"Why?"

"Because nobody likes it when their closest friends fight."

"We weren't fighting, we were arguing. And we do it all the time."

"Then you can tell me what it was about, if that's all it was."

There was a pregnant pause, and Severus had the fought the urge to turn toward them and study their faces.

"I simply pointed out that by acting like a mudblood she lets herself be treated like a mudblood."

Severus was astonished. He had always thought that Black, the first of his line to be sorted into Gryffindor, was different from the rest of his family. He thought Black wasn't prejudiced against muggleborns. From what Severus had just heard, however, that wasn't the case.

Without elaborating further, Black tossed powder into the floo, and disappeared into green flames.

Potter stood there for a time after his friend had gone. "_Bloody hell_. What am I supposed to do with those two?"

_Kill Black and send Lily to me,_ Severus thought. He had a secret room in his house. She'd be safe there and they could spend their days brewing. The only problem being he couldn't hide so much with his occlumency… yet.

Severus fought the urge to hex Potter as he left, rumpling his hair. Still arrogant a prat as ever…

_Closest friends,_ was it? Severus didn't like to admit, even to himself, the possessiveness he felt. He knew she was an Order member, but close friends with Potter, Black, and by all that he seen, with Lupin as well? It should have shocked him, but it didn't. It only made him angry. Furious. They didn't _know_ her. Probably just saw what she was capable of through their work in the Order and thought they'd add her to the group in the efforts to make them look more impressive.

_Pathetic_.

They probably didn't know a thing about her. They didn't know what a terror she'd been as a child. Didn't know what her first accidental spell had been. They had no idea what her parents had been like, or where she lived, or the utter poverty she'd grown up in, or how happy she'd been despite of it. They probably hadn't even noticed her when she was a first year. Didn't know that she had grown up next door to a boy that would grow to become a Death Eater…

Probably didn't know anything about her other than she was powerful enough even as a student to be recruited to join Dumbledore's cabal.

They certainly didn't know that she was in current contact with an active Death Eater; that was certain. She'd be kicked out of the Order, otherwise. That wasn't such a bad thing, in his point of view. His master wouldn't then be so keen to remove her.

But Severus had to allow that he didn't know much about her life these past two and a half years. Not to remember. He'd left clues for himself, but not nearly enough. He knew she was in contact with Damocles Belby, that she was a member of the Order, that her boyfriend had been poisoned earlier that year, and that she had visited his home on multiple occasions. He only wished he remembered more. It would be nice to know that there was one person who wasn't watching his every move, waiting for him to fail so they could take his place. It would be nice to spend time with a person who actually cared about him, not just what he could do for them. Pitiful, that there was only one such person in his life.

A reckless idea occurred to him. He knew instantly it was a bad one, yet he couldn't put it aside.

x

The walk to the castle cleared away most of the angry fuzzies in his brain, and as he approached Lily's rooms James had very nearly convinced himself he was sober.

She sat in front of the fire with a book in her lap, not yet changed into pyjamas. She'd only made herself slightly more comfortable by undoing the first few buttons of her blouse and removing her shoes. He noticed a hole in her stocking over her big toe.

"You've been drinking, haven't you?"

His head snapped up. He must have been staring for longer than he'd thought. He didn't have time to see if she disapproved or not, because she went immediately back to her book.

"What you reading?" he asked nonchalantly, ignoring her previous question. He'd start in light and then ease the conversation towards her argument with Sirius and find out if she really couldn't bear to be around him because she thought he fancied himself superior.

She lifted the volume up so he could see, only he couldn't really. Too blurry.

"What for?" he asked.

She shrugged and continued reading. James walked round to stand behind her and read over her shoulder. On the left hand side of the page was a gruesome illustration of some dark ritual, and on the right the explanation.

"The bloody hell are you reading, Evans?"

"Descent into the Dark Arts by Evander Eldritch."

"Why? Where did you get it?" He was disgusted and appalled. "Don't tell me you intend to try _that!_"

"Of course I'm not! I just want to learn how people fall into the Dark Arts. I want to see if there's any way out."

"There isn't. How many times have I told you that?"

She frowned and stood up to go to the other side of the room, putting the table between them. "You are shouting, James."

"So? You let Sirius shout at you. And you're reading about how to get into the Dark Arts, for fuck's sake. You think that I'll just _let _you? No, I'm going to bloody shout."

Her voice was low and steady. "I'm doing _research_, James."

"So you've said. You want to do your some dabbling without the long-term consequences. You want to find a way out once you've already plunged in. Well I've told you time and time again it doesn't work like that. Once a dark wizard, always a dark wizard. You can't just _undo_ the affect the dark arts have on you. You can't just change back once you've had enough. I _know_ this. I've _seen_ what dark arts does to people. And I've seen you slink slowly towards it anyway, despite how many times I've told you to stay the bloody hell away from them! But you just don't fucking listen!"

"Oh I hear you, James. It's impossible not to. You've just never listened to _me_. You never bothered trying to learn what it is that I do. If you don't understand it then it must be dark arts, so everything I do is wrong in your eyes. I used to think you were so clever, so open-minded. You used to be my favourite teacher because you seemed to think outside the box. I was wrong. You're just as close minded as everyone else."

"Did you ever stop and think that maybe everyone else is right and that _you_ are wrong? Ever think that the auror, the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor, might know a little more about the dark arts than you?"

She hugged the book to her chest and didn't answer.

"No," he scoffed. "Lily Evans knows everything about everything. Well don't come crying to me when you realise your little unicorn hair wand stops working for you!"

At first James thought she was about to cry. Actually, he rather hoped she would, that would at least mean he'd got through to her. But she didn't. She steeled herself, lifted her chin, and glared.

"Oh, I think I can guarantee that after today you are the very last person I'd come to for _anything_." Her tone was so icy James felt a chill. There was a cold finality to her words that made him wish he could take back his own.

"I only meant—"

"Please leave," she said, though it was more of a whisper. He tried to make eye contact but she was now staring resolutely at the floor.

"I'm just worried," he tried to explain. "I don't want anything bad to happen to you."

She looked at him as if he were dim.

"I'm a mudblood. Bad things are inevitable. But don't worry, I won't come crying to you."

"I didn't mean that," he insisted, stepping closer. He tried to hug her but she was still and unyielding in his arms. "You trip and skin your knee you can come to me. If your attempt to raise an inferi army turns out badly you can run to me. Honest."

She gently shoved him away.

"I know you mean well," she said. "But I'd rather run to someone who at least _tries_ to understand."

He didn't bother telling her that he understood better than she did. That _she_ didn't understand the consequences of what she was doing. He'd tried everything to make her see but all his attempts had failed. He'd never been able to get through to her. There was a dark place deep inside Lily he'd never been able to reach. A place Sirius and Snape had.

He didn't want to think too closely about that.

"I don't want to lose you to the Dark Arts." He knew he sounded pathetic but he didn't care.

She snorted, though didn't really sound all that amused. "Take comfort in the fact that a dark wizard will probably kill me long before I have time to become one myself."

"Damnit, Evans!" James shook his head. Bad idea as it made him dizzy.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. I didn't mean to be disrespectful of Agatha."

He didn't know how to deal with it all. Didn't know how to handle Lily's interest in the dark arts, didn't know how to deal with being alone, didn't know how to deal with the war he was embroiled in. Didn't know how to deal with the possibility of more people dying.

He thought he'd known about death, he'd seen a lot of it, being an auror. But none of that had prepared him for losing people he cared about.

He _could_ talk to Dumbledore about this, though, ask him to intervene. Perhaps the Headmaster could make Lily see, where James had failed. For right now, however, there was little else he could do.

Knowing she would resent him for it, he summoned her books away from her, intending to return them to Madame Pince in the morning when he revoked the pass to the Restricted Section he'd given her earlier in the year.

"I don't suppose you actually intend to read them?" she asked, watching sadly as he tucked both volumes under his arm. "You might learn something."

"I already know as much as I want to," he said.

She nodded and turned her back to him, pretending to look out the window. "G'night, Potter."

"Goodnight, Evans."

Out in the corridor he leaned up against the stone wall, dragging a hand through his hair, wishing he had a cigarette. Why was it that every time he tried to get closer, something happened that pushed them farther apart? He had at first thought that they would eventually resolve their issues and get back together once she had graduated, but they only seemed to be accumulating more problems, his being her professor being the least among them, problems that a diploma wouldn't fix.

x

Despite him telling himself and the area around him that he meant no harm, he was still terrified that he would set off the wards the moment he stepped over them. He held his breath, waiting for something, anything, but nothing happened. He'd had to go through the forest, as there was no way he could get through the gates. After that he'd had to break into the Quidditch supply closet and steal a broom. Then it was a matter of finding the Head Girl's room.

He finally found her sitting room, one of the few north-facing windows that still had a light on. He hovered just outside, looking in. She sat on the couch with her head in her hands. It was a simple matter of widening the window and flying through.

She leapt up immediately, wand pointed at him, arm steady, eyes wide.

"Severus?" Her wand arm fell and she visibly sagged with relief. "What on earth are you doing here? Is something wrong?"

_Everything was wrong. Nothing had changed, however_. "I just thought I'd come and see you." It sounded even more ridiculous aloud than it had in his head, made all the more embarrassing for its truth. Lily didn't seem to notice.

"You must be a mind reader," she said, and Severus flinched internally, but it was obvious by her off-hand tone that she hadn't been referring to _legilimency _or _occlumdency _at all. "I was just thinking of how nice it would be to see a friendly face."

He'd been thinking the same the same thing. He almost said it aloud, but didn't quite dare.

She'd obviously been upset so he steered the subject in that direction instead.

"You've been crying," he pointed out.

"Oh, it's nothing," she said, wiping the corners of her eyes to get rid of the final traces of tears, but her cheeks remained rouged.

"What's nothing?" he pursued.

She sighed and sat back down. "Just got another earful from James Potter."

"He was here?" Severus asked.

"He just left." At this, she flicked her wand at the door, sealing it closed. _Colloportus_, if Severus was any judge… and he was. "Gave me a drunken dressing down, too. I know he gave you a hard time in school for your… _proclivities_. I only _wish _he would throw hexes at me. Instead he tries to make me feel horribly about myself. As if I needed any help there."

He carefully lowered himself next to her, unsure how much distance was appropriate. "What about your proclivities?" he asked.

That's how it began. After she had ranted about Potter (and apologised for ranting) the topic changed to a dozen other things. They spoke for hours, reminisced about times when they were children, discussed the latest articles in potions periodicals. He told her that he hadn't discovered anything about Bunsen's brewing partner, but promised to inform her if/when he did. They carried on but not once did either of them mention the war. They were just two people, having a discussion. He delighted in her warm, genuine smiles, in the occasional times she would reach out and squeeze his hand for no reason.

He'd always known that Potter was an unmitigated extremist when it came to magic, but he was even more imbecilic than Severus thought if he actually thought this girl was anywhere near dark. Severus had grown able to tell, even from a distance, who had a hand in the dark arts. He could sense the taint. He knew that some of his fellow Death Eaters were far more entrenched than he was, and there were others, those more recently out of school that were not dark at all. Not all Death Eaters were dark wizards, and not all dark wizards were Death Eaters, and he'd said as much to Lily at the time. He told her to cast a patronus, and she did.

"There," he'd said. "No truly dark witch or wizard can cast a patronus. It's too light. Just as some people don't have it in them to cast an Unforgivable. As long as you have the ability to conjure your doe, you needn't worry."

"I hadn't read that," she said, smiling. "Thank you, it's a relief to know. What—?" she began, but stopped herself. Severus knew she had been about to ask him about his own patronus, and was grateful she hadn't. He hadn't tried to conjure one, and didn't know if he were able. He'd try later, when he was alone. _If he remembered._ He didn't want her to find out the same time he did that he was incapable of conjuring one. Or if he could, he wanted to know before anyone else what form it would take.

It eventually grew so late, or rather, early, that grey-dawn began creeping through the window. The moment he realised this he stood at once.

"I must go. I can't be seen on the grounds. I have to take this broom back to the shed and make for the forest. I've stayed too long already."

Might he be seen? How had he let the time get away from him like that?

"I'll take the broom back to the shed before breakfast. You can take mine to the gates, banish it back to me or I'll summon it." She disappeared into her bedroom and returned with the finest broom Severus had ever seen. Top-of-the-line, state of the art, newest model Oakshaft. How had she afforded such an extravagant broomstick?

"It was a gift," she said, answering the question he hadn't been rude enough to ask. "Potter thought I needed a getaway broom."

"An _expensive_ gift," he commented, letting his hand run over the smooth polished handle. Why was Potter buying Lily such a pricey present? Replaying the conversation he'd overheard earlier in his head, Severus began to suspect Potter's intentions towards his pupil were less than professional.

"I don't think he looked twice at the price. To people like the Potters, money is no consideration. I honestly can't imagine having that much gold." She shrugged. "As it is, I'm looking for a small job for over the Easter hols. Keep me busy and earn some silver. What will you do?"

Severus shrugged. "Whatever I'm told," he said, swinging one leg over the broom. It vibrated gently underneath him, impatient to take off.

Her face clouded. "Well, it would be nice to see you again like this."

He nodded. "Perhaps." He rose just six inches off the ground, appreciating the comfort of the expert cushioning charms and the utter balance of the broom. Enlarging the window for take-off, he added, "Don't pay any attention to what Potter says. You aren't tainted. I know." He'd rather she stay away from Potter all together, especially after what he'd learned today.

He was turning toward her to say his final farewell, just as she leaned in to peck him on the cheek. The her lips landed on the left half of his mouth instead. She pulled away, embarrassed. Severus didn't have words and wouldn't have said them even if he had. He just stood there, blinking like an idiot.

"Er…" She cleared her throat and fought to keep a nervous smile off her face. "I'll see you later, perhaps."

He cleared his throat. "Perhaps," he repeated, but his voice sounded odd.

It was getting lighter by the minute, so he didn't have time to stay and think. He shot out of the window, surprised by the broom's superb acceleration. He thought he heard her laughter as he flew away. He felt a bit giddy himself. He reached up and touched his lips in wonder, deciding he was only imagining the tingling sensation.

x

Lily got ready for the day, and when her Oakshaft came zooming back to her she hopped on and flew to the Quidditch pitch with the school broom. She locked it away again and slowly circled the pitch, giggling to herself remembering the sight of Severus' face after she'd kissed him. He looked almost horrified, and Lily imagined that the moment he was out of sight he'd wiped off his mouth and spat.

She was laughing aloud at that stage. Poor Severus. She felt slightly guilty for laughing at how uncomfortable she'd accidentally made him, but wouldn't take it back for the world. It was rare indeed to see a flustered Severus Snape.

Lily had forgotten all about it by the time she arrived at breakfast when Minerva made an announcement for 7th years.

"A representative of most major departments in the Ministry are coming that week to meet with students who are considering a career once they've taken their N.E.W.T.s." She informed them. "Recruiters from inside and outside the Ministry are also coming to speak to those students they believe show promise in other fields."

An excited whisper of _quidditch _began to susurrate throughout the room, like leaves in a wind. Minerva tolerated the excitement for a few moments before carrying on. "You will be informed when your meeting will be, any absences will be excused with a note from your Head of House."

To Lily's surprise, when Minerva began handing out time slips for the seventh years' meetings at the Gryffindor table, she also handed Lily one.

_**Thursday, One O'Clock.**_

Lily stared at it in mute surprise. She hadn't a hope of working in the Ministry now, and she certainly wasn't about to be recruited for a Quidditch Team. No one wanted to hire a mudblood. The ministry didn't flat out refuse to hire muggleborns, but almost every department as part of the hiring process, required two magical academic or work references from non-relatives, and another two personal references from magical members from within the family. Of course, Lily and other muggleborns _had_ no magical family to give them references, so she couldn't even apply. So what was this all about?

"The Headmaster would like to speak with you at your earliest convenience, Miss Evans," McGonagall said before moving off.

She had a free period after Potions that morning, where History of Magic had previously been. She went as soon as she could to Dumbledore's office, curious as to what the summons was about. Perhaps he, like Moody, wanted an update on her Order projects.

"Good morning," he greeted and offered her the obligatory sweet. She declined.

"What was it you wanted to see me about, sir?" Bugger the niceties, she wanted to get down to business. Dumbledore's face sobered slightly.

"James came to see me this morning, and asked if I would speak to you about something."

Lily's stomach flipped over. James had told the _Headmaster_ on her?

"Oh?" she said, trying to smile but failing utterly.

"He said you had a disagreement yesterday and was hoping I might… mediate, to a degree."

Lily hung her head. Dumbledore would surely take James's side and Lily would be lucky if she even got to stay in school. Well, no, she knew she was a favourite enough that she wouldn't be expelled, but this would be the end of her work. She didn't dare do it on the sly if the Headmaster expressly forbade it, even if that was her first impulse. Heartbroken, she nodded and related the whole of the argument, and past arguments, and past experiments, and current projects.

He didn't interrupt, letting her go on and on. She didn't feel awkward after the first few minutes, and instead got carried away with an explanation of one of her ideas, as she was wont to do.

"Which is what I'm working on with Moody. See, Vampires, as you know, can take life from other people because they don't have life themselves, technically. What I'm trying to discover is how Voldemort is using that principle. But he's obviously living, so I don't know _how_ he can take life, unless he's partially dead?" She shook her head. "I don't know how you can be partially dead, though. I mean, James has said that killing people kills a bit of yourself, that it tears at your soul. But as far as I understand, it's all there, only damaged. I don't know of any way that would rend entire pieces away to make room for more, do you?"

Dumbledore had a troubled, faraway look but didn't say anything.

"Professor?"

He turned to her and gave her a twinkle-less smile. "Interesting notions. Indeed, there might be something there to consider at another time, but I don't want to keep you from your lunch."

She opened her mouth to say 'but…' then closed it again. If he wasn't going to take James's and side tell her off, she certainly wasn't going to ask questions. She quietly showed herself out, tiptoeing unnecessarily down the staircase and then strolled, or strutted rather, down to the Great Hall. Her project was safe for another day.

x

"Wasn't sure you still lived here," said Remus, greeting Sirius as he came down that morning. It had been days since he'd told Sirius he wanted to talk and Remus suspected his friend had been avoiding him.

"Had a late night at the Hogshead. Would have invited you, of course, but it was past curfew."

It shouldn't have bothered him, but it did. Remus was angry about the curfew, yes, but also at how easily Sirius had excused his exclusion from their plans.

"I thought it was alright if I had a _chaperone_." He sneered the last word. Muggleborns and other undesirables such as himself needed a pureblood with them. Remus would have had two.

Sirius frowned at him. "Don't come over all bitter at me, you said so yourself. 'We can't put Sirius and James under any more scrutiny than they already are. We'll just have to abide by the new rule.' Those were your words, mate. Not mine."

"You could at least have told me. I've barely seen you in three days."

"I've been busy."

"Of that I have no doubt!"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Why do I get the feeling I've just been accused of something?" he asked as he summoned a glass from a cupboard. to fill with orange juice.

"You are increasingly busy these days, all those part members you spend time with and dream snatching you do… _for the Order._"

Sirius's nostrils flared. Good. That meant he'd hit a nerve.

"What's your point? That I should stay at home all the time and keep you company?"

"Don't be insulting!"

"Then don't be so critical!"

"Well, forgive me for being concerned! But you've been completely out of control lately! Your impulsiveness is getting dangerous. You honestly believe you were getting dreams for the Order? I've seen the pipe in your room, Sirius."

"Is this some kind of bloody intervention?" Sirius roared. "Let me tell you something, you know _nothing_ about self-control! _Nothing_! You've never known restraint. You've never stopped yourself from doing something you shouldn't. You've always been the golden boy of good behaviour. Never _had_ an impulse that _needed_ stopping."

"Every full moon!" Remus shouted back. "Every full moon I have to do something that needs stopping!"

"But you _don't_ stop it do you? That's the point! You _can't_ control it! If you did, you wouldn't turn into a raging monster every bleeding month!"

Remus paled, not with shock, but rage.

Sirius didn't even try to dodge his oncoming fist, and Remus felt his knuckles crack as they crunched into his friend's face.

Sirius staggered back a step, but soon as he could looked back to Remus. "See? You don't know what self control is," he said, forcing his voice to be calm as he dabbed at his now bleeding lip. "You have no control of your own life so you try to control everybody else's. Well I've got news for you, Moony. Hating yourself and containing yourself are two very different things."

x

A flurry of illegal international apparitions later and he found himself in Morocco. His brain was still burning with the heat of the argument. He felt the anger build up to boiling point and incinerated a nearby tree so that he was at least functional again.

Remus really did have the worst opinion of him. Sirius didn't know his friend considered him in such mean terms. Constantly rash and reckless.

If he only knew…

Sirius silently stormed. He felt that he was a tight coil of nothing but controlled impulses, impulses that if he really did indulge in as Remus accused him of, his friends would be so appalled that they'd never speak to him again. They might have him committed to St. Mungo's psychiatric ward or even to Azkaban. No, Sirius he was frustrated by how controlled he tried to stay all the time. Only the impulses he felt were actually good did he allow himself to throw himself into. Getting the dreams had definitely been a good thing, because it's what Lily and James wanted, and between them they were his moral compass. So perhaps he had thrown himself headlong into dream snatching, but at least it was for good. No, he knew he didn't always get it right; he had come dangerously close to killing Henry Bright, but that had been in defence of Remus himself.

He didn't dabble in dreams, and he never drank to drunkenness, for all he claimed the contrary. Yes, he loved going out with the lads and getting them drunk, and he pretended to be drunk himself, but he was afraid of what he might actually do if he were completely intoxicated. He'd had some very eye-opening morning after experiences in the past that he wasn't in a hurry to repeat and would move the world to keep his friends ignorant of.

He missed the old Remus. The one in school that would go along with their little schemes. Yes, sometimes he would pipe up and nay-say their pranks but most of the time he went through with them, or at least didn't try to stop the rest of them. He'd been fun, part of the adventure. Now he'd grown over-cautious and mistrustful. Being a werewolf was no excuse, he'd been a werewolf most of his life and had handled things tolerably well. Remus fought against the inner beast once a month. Sirius fought his inner beast every day.

But Remus didn't know that, Sirius had struggled to keep that information private. It was unfair to hold it against him, he knew. He shouldn't have acted the way he did. But damned if wasn't too angry to do anything about it. If his friend had shown even the smallest amount of faith then things might be different. But he didn't, and they weren't.

x

Lily had known she couldn't apply for any position in the government, but that Thursday afternoon she learned that there was _one _branch of the Ministry that didn't require an application at all. A department that you didn't choose to work for, but that chose you.

"Please, Miss Evans, take a seat," said Minerva McGonagall as Lily stepped into the unused classroom designated for this meeting. "This is Unspeakable Hughes."

"I saw you Monday, at the aurory," said Lily, surprised she recognised the man who had his hand extended to her. Belatedly she remembered her manners and reached out and shook it. "It's nice to meet you." At least, she hoped it would be.

His hand, she noticed, was strangely knobby in hers, though it looked perfectly normal to the eye, and his voice when he greeted her was surprisingly cobwebby, a weak and wispy version of what it might have once been. Just looking at him, however, he appeared a man in his prime. Not quite handsome, but sturdy and capable.

She knew it would be rude to ask him how old he was, but she'd never met someone who was two ages at once before…

Of course, he might just be ill, or suffer from a bone condition (though a little Skele-Gro ought to sort that out.) But as this man came from the Dapartment of Mysteries, she was inclined to suspect the explanation behind the duality of his age was a tad more _mysterious._

"I'm keen to hear whatever it is you've got to say. I wasn't expecting anyone wanting to meet with me," she said.

"We aren't interested in politics. We are interested in what you can do," he wheezed.

Flattered but unnerved, Lily shifted in her seat. "If you don't mind my asking, why me? Or rather, how did you come to be interested in me in the first place? Unless…"

"_Priori Incantatem_," he said. "Aldwinkle might not have understood the nature of some of the spells it revealed, but _we_ certainly did."

"That and you were eavesdropping on my conversation with Alastor Moody?"

He didn't look ashamed or even smile knowingly. He simply nodded. "Just so. You as the right questions, Miss Evans. We need people who think about magic a little _differently."_

"Are you… are you offering me a job?" she asked, trying her best not to sound too hopeful.

He tilted his head to the side in a 'somewhat' kind of gesture. It might have been the candlelight, but she thought that his hair had grown lighter since she'd first arrived.

"We are inviting you to visit the department, in a confidential setting, to discuss what type of work you might do. A few interviews, a few tests…"

"And if I don't pass or don't decide to work there?" she asked.

"You will sign an Obliviation Consent form and your memory will be modified."

"And if I don't sign?"

"You won't be allowed to enter in the first place otherwise. Someone will go over the form in detail when you arrive. All we are deciding today is if you are interested in seeing if you might be a good fit for our team."

"Well, I guess we're done here then. Yes, I'm certainly interested."

He nodded, a firm, resolved dip of the head. Lily was certain this time; his hair was a dozen shades lighter. Almost silver.

"Good then," he boomed. "We'll owl you with the details.

"I look forward to it. Thank you, Mr. Hughes, for taking an interest in me."

She shook his hand again, this time however, it was firm and less bony feeling, although it _looked_ frail and knotted. His face, likewise, was aged and wrinkled, while his voice had become clear and strong.

She couldn't help it. She had to ask.

"Sir?" she said, stopping him before he reached the door. He turned to her, shaking and stooped.

"Yes?"

"When were you born?"

He smiled. "1926."

Lily smiled back. She looked forward to learning more about what Unspeakable did. This man obviously had an interesting relationship with time. For a man of 43 and 93, he certainly never truly appeared his age.

Once Hughes had gone, Lily stayed behind to finish her meeting with her Head of House, though Minerva had little to say. Normally she would tel her student what score he or she should aim tio achieve on their N.E.W.T's, but the Department of Mysteries didn't publish their requirements, if they had any.

"Still," McGonagall reminded her, "That's no excuse to shirk."

"Of course not. I might not become an Unspeakable at all. Once the war's over I'll need my scores to apply somewhere else."

Although she might like being an Unspeakable, once she knew what they did. It seemed like there was a lot of experimental magic and research about the greater mysteries, and if that were the case she couldn't imagine anything that could keep her out of it.

"I've never had a student go directly to the Department of Mysteries from Hogwarts. I'm quite proud of you… I think. Perhaps _impressed _is a better word." She looked confused more than anything, Lily thought.

She knew that impressions weren't always positive, but Lily was proud of herself, and for the first time that feeling trumped whatever someone else thought. It didn't bother her that McGonagall was slightly disturbed, or at least she didn't let it spoil her sense of accomplishment. She would finally be free, no doubt, to work with any kind of magic she wanted, without James hovering over her shoulder telling her it was too dangerous.

Lily came to a sudden halt in the middle of the empty corridor, wondering how on earth it hadn't occurred to her before.

_James._

What would he say if he found out she had an offer from the Unspeakables? He hated them, blamed them for ruining the closeness he'd wanted with his father, for straining his parent's marriage, and of course, for Charlus Potter's death.

_As if our relationship isn't strained enough_, she thought. On the other hand, if she and James never got back together it wouldn't matter what career she chose.

She shook her head. Under the circumstances, she didn't honestly think that she and James wouldn't get back together once she graduated. They were both too weak, and the war too fierce, for them not to. He was too honourable not to.

Lily resolved not to tell him about it until _after_ her visit to the Department of Mysteries. If she decided not to work there then there would be no reason to trouble him with it. If she _did_ decide she liked it… then they would have to have one of those serious talks they both hated.

Gods, it would break his heart.

Planning to do her homework, Lily plodded down to the library with a marked lack of enthusiasm. All the pride and excitement had turned into dread in her stomach and stress in her temples.

x

Severus couldn't fall back asleep. Some noise had jolted him out of his sleep and he'd made a full tour of his house and had assured himself that all his wards were still intact and that no one was there. Now that he'd assured himself there was no threat, he still couldn't manage to go back to sleep. It was now four o'clock in the morning. Too early to start the things on his task list.

Grumbling to himself, he brewed himself some coffee. Actually, _brewing_ was a bit of exaggeration. It was muggle instant coffee from the local shop and required nothing but a spoonful of the stuff and a something with which to stir it. He took it to the room behind the book case and unearthed the journal he'd carefully hidden. In his less happy moments (wrongfully assuming that he did have _happy_ moments) he'd review his recent experiences with Lily. He'd decoded most of his hints, so it was more reminiscing than anything. He'd practically memorised them by now, and had imaged a dozen scenarios for how their meetings had gone.

With a sigh, he sat down in the least uncomfortable chair and opened the leather-bound volume, taking a sip of coffee. Seeing there was new material there he set his cup aside instantly the better to pore over the latest clues.

**Visited greenhouse**. That meant he'd gone to Lily. He'd never gone to _her_ before, but after the conversation he'd overheard between Potter and Black he supposed it was natural he'd want to check up on her.

**Till dawn. **That was obvious, but surprising.

**Discussed descent. Patronus? **So they'd discussed turning to the Dark Arts. Now that he read the note, he was intensely curious if he _could_ conjure one. Then the last item on his list…

_**Kiss. **_

_**.**_

_**.**_

_**.**_

_Kiss__‽‽_

Merciful Merlin, what had he done to her? On the other hand, it was not the angry scratch of a man angry that had bollixed things up. The slant of the K and the curves of the S's, it seemed that he'd been easy, even happy as he wrote it. Had things had advanced in a direction he had never anticipated? He found it hard to believe. It just didn't seem likely at all. What circumstances could have possibly led up to such a result? And what made him think that one word would be sufficient explanation? He needed details, damn it. Had he kissed her or had she kissed him? How on earth was he supposed to behave next time? Why in Merlin's name had he erased _that_ memory?

_Because if it is true, and the Dark Lord saw it, death would not be quick and painless for either of us. _And after item number three there seemed no point in denying it, he did care what happened to her.

Fear slowly gripped at his heart so that he felt it had stopped beating. Things had just become distressingly more complicated and dangerous. He didn't have time to define what he felt for Lily, he had to find a way to… he didn't even know.

Severus resolved to redouble his efforts at Occlumency. That was the only option. Any time he had to himself would be devoted to mastering the art. Severus would learn to keep out the Dark Lord if it killed him.

x

Sirius's initial reaction to the tea was that it was entirely too sweet. Scowling, he set the tiny curved glass down and looked out at the scene. Muggle Marrakech. The air was warmer than it was at home, and the locals stared at him a bit but he didn't care. He took another sip, forgetting that he didn't like the tea but deciding that it wasn't too bad after all. The man at the café brought him the shisha he ordered. Sirius bitterly thought that Remus would be pleased to know that the water pipe was entirely legal, but then shoved all thoughts of that sort aside. He took in a great inhalation of the tobacco, treacle, fruit and spiced smoke with a gratification that he hadn't experienced in quite some time.

Quite a simple pleasure, really. Sitting having tea in an arbitrarily chosen café. Sure, some gave him disapproving looks, no doubt because of his obvious Englishness, but he could not have cared any less. Had Sirius planned this trip at all he could have stopped in the tourist office at the portkey station so that he might have found where the magical society hid themselves. Well, the easiest way to find the magical community would be to pull out his wand and do some illegal magic… then the magical community would come to him.

He snorted and pulled once more at the hubbly-bubbly. It gurgled as he inhaled. Sirius sat back and closed his eyes, letting the sun hit his face. There was another rare pleasure. Sure, the sun occasionally shone at home, but who would want to bother with going outside to feel it? London air was ash in the mouth and Hogwarts's wind was biting and bitter most of the time.

He didn't mind not using magic in public. He relished being waited on hand and foot by the hospitable owners of the riad.

He luxuriated in Morocco for a few more days and by Friday he was much calmer, but unwilling to go back to London. He decided he'd had enough of Morocco, had enough of living with the public, so he apparated to the family home in France. He would make the manor his hermitage for a few days before he had to teach James's afternoon classes Monday.

More illegal international apparition led him to the Black holiday home. He walked in confidently. It was the first time he'd been there as the owner. He was wondering if any of the house elves were still alive when he saw Narcissa, looking just as surprised to see him as he was to see her.

"Oh. I didn't know you'd be here," she said, grabbing her shawl and rising. "I had only come because Lucius… has company. I'll leave at once. I'm no longer a Black, I really shouldn't be here at all."

By _company_ Sirius understood to mean that Lucius was hosting Death Eaters. If Narcissa didn't want to be among them he certainly wasn't going to turn her out.

"Stay. I insist. I'll go. I don't know why I came anyway…"

He turned and left the drawing room, heading for the front door but then, on impulse, turned around and marched straight back into the drawing room.

"I couldn't keep away," he said with an unrepentant grin.

"_Wouldn't_, I imagine. You could have if you'd wanted to."

"It's all the same to me. When I want something I'm simply incapable of restraining myself," he said, bowing over her hand, barely brushing it with his lips.

Narcissa tried to repress a smile with limited success.

They spent half an hour or so politely ignoring each other, reading, drinking, enjoying the quiet and the company.

"Is it true, Sirius?" she asked, breaking the silence.

"Is what true, Cissa?"

"Is it true you're with a muggleborn?" Sirius was pleased she used the term muggleborn over mudblood, but he could tell that his cousin deeply disapproved of any relations with either.

"Is that what they are saying?" he asked. "Good. I was hoping that would get around."

"But why? You are ruining your reputation! You are a Black._ The_ Black. The only one of us left to bear the name. Please don't tarnish it. It's dear to me."

Sirius was ashamed that her words actually moved him. Their family, insane and as dysfunctional as it had been, was still dear to her, that _he_ was still dear to her. It was almost beyond belief.

He sighed. "It's too late for that. My reputation is already ruined, though the name still carries some prestige, despite what I've done to it."

"It's not too late, you know. You should come visit us at the Manor, start seeing someone more suitable."

"No," he cut her off.

"Are you that attached to her?" she asked in frowning incomprehension.

"I'm not seeing _anyone._ Haven't even slept with the muggleborn in question. I just wanted everyone to think I had."

If loving a muggleborn had been incomprehensible, only _pretending _to was inconceivable.

"But why!"

"Because!" he snapped. "I want no part of this war. If I flirt with both sides, then neither will trust me. I told you before, Narcissa, I won't join your husband's lord. I won't. It got Regulus _killed_, don't forget."

She lowered her eyes to her lap. "I remember. But, Sirius, don't you understand that if both sides distrust you, then perhaps _both_ will want you dead? Wouldn't it be safer to come to us?"

Sirius frowned at her. _Us?_

"Narcissa…" he began, suspicion and dread mounting in his gut. "Are you… do you have the mark?"

She met his stare, and never taking her eyes off his, she pulled both sleeves of her gown up to her elbows, revealing creamy unblemished skin.

He let out a breath he hadn't been aware he'd been holding, enormously relieved.

By _us_, he supposed she must have meant the traditional pureblood circles. But they were, on the whole, quite a dull lot.

"Sorry, I—I just…"

"You were just worried," she said kindly, putting a hand on his.

He _had_ been. Gods, just a short time in her presence and he felt himself reverting to the infatuated boy he'd once been. He'd been her pet as children, a role he had thoroughly enjoyed. He had revelled in being her favourite. Gods help him, he still would. He imagined the secret satisfaction he'd have knowing that she preferred him to Lucius, and began planning ways to get her to love himself better.

"I can't imagine what it must be like for you," he began. "You were always the most peace-loving creature, I don't know how you manage with Lucius and the rest of them."

She let out a shuddering breath, hesitating a moment as if debating whether or not to reply. "It _is_ difficult, at times," she finally admitted. "I—Merlin but I shouldn't be saying this."

"It's all right, Cissa," he breathed, taking hold of her hands. "You can tell me anything. I won't breathe a word, on my honour."

Despite a maverick tear that trailed down her cheek she still chuckled. "You _have _no honour, Sirius."

He smiled back and wiped her cheek clean. "I could make a vow, if you want," he suggested, but she shook her head.

"Your word is good enough."

"I'm glad to hear it. Now tell me what troubles you."

She sighed, collapsing against him. He put an arm around her shoulders to make it more comfortable for both of them.

It was odd, Sirius reflected; he used to lean into her growing up; now the roles were reversed.

"I'm terrified something will happen to Lucius. Bella too, she's so… _combative_. And—and…" By her reluctance to speak the name Sirius assumed she meant her _other_ sister, the one who had been truly disinherited for having married a muggleborn.

"Andromeda?" he provided.

Narcissa nodded as more tears fell. "It's an embarrassment to Lucius to have to stand up in front of his peers with that hanging over him. Worse is that Bella has offered to _fix_ the problem."

"Surely she wouldn't…" but Sirius stopped himself. _Yes_, he thought. She certainly would. Bella would have no scruple in killing _anyone_, even if they were blood family.

"You know her well enough. She would. I've begged her not to and she has agreed, but only because she says there are more important things to do for her lord. But I worry. Every day I worry. This isn't the sort of world I want to bring a child into," she lamented.

Sirius's eyes widened. "I had no idea you were expecting," he said with utter honesty. His eyes darted to her middle but noted nothing. Early days, most likely.

"I'm not," she said. "But we're trying."

He frowned again. "Why are you trying when you've just said you are afraid of the environment you'd be bringing it into?"

"Because the dark lord has told Lucius he needs an heir. That and…" She sighed. "I do want a child, Sirius. More than anything. Despite what's going on, I want something that's just mine. I want a family again."

Sirius forced a smile. "You'll be a wonderful mother, Narcissa." He squeezed her slightly and kissed the top of her head. "Of that I have no doubt."

Still, it disturbed him that there would be another Malfoy in the world, but perhaps the child would take after its mother. He hoped it would be a girl, for Narcissa would be the dominant influence. If a boy… He shuddered at the thought of a miniature Lucius strutting about. It was destined to be beautiful, at the very least.

"I hope so."

He gave her shoulders another squeeze. "How is it that you turned out so right and the rest of us so wrong? Reg, Bella and me." Well, not completely right; she still was a pure-blood supremacist, but she wasn't mad, at least.

"Nobody turned out wrong, Sirius. You just turned out the way you turned out. It's those Gryffindors you run round with that make you feel that way," she sniffed, her pretty nose tilting up in disdain.

It was true, among his _other_ lot, the pureblood lot he'd been spending time with, they didn't make him feel morally inferior. They didn't care about that sort of thing at all. His blood was all that was required to be accepted, and they would. They would accept him with open arms. Welcome him back into the fold. While his current side barely accepted him. Sure, he was part of the Order, but many members always gave him sidelong glances, mistrustful of the Black in their midst. Moody was only the most vocal about his disapproval.

Only his close friends really trusted him. Most of the time, at any rate. Remus was slipping from him day by day. Sirius didn't know what had caused his friend's growing distrust and suspicion, but he wasn't hiding it. At least, Sirius reflected, he was worried enough to yell at him about it. Worry meant he still cared. The moment Remus stopped worrying about him and started worrying about others was when Sirius knew their friendship was lost.

James… well James trusted him implicitly. Perhaps too much. James trusted all of them too much. Lily… he actually didn't know. He supposed she trusted him with her secrets, even with her life. But did she trust him to always do the right thing?

No, he realised. She'd thought he'd murdered Bright. She thought him capable of anything. She didn't care if he always did the right thing. She'd as much as said that she could see him going to the other side.

_But she'd love me even still_.

He shook his head, clearing his thoughts.

Narcissa must have thought he was denying the truth of what she said.

"Yes, it is. You turned out just fine, Sirius. I'm even almost proud of the way you stand up for yourself and reject the war. There must be a better solution to the blood-problem than a war. I can tell you half a dozen people who feel the same but don't have the courage to say so." She smirked. "Except you. That's the Gryffindor in you."

Sirius rolled his eyes and sighed. "Don't go on about that. I've had a decade's worth of lectures about the House I was sorted into, I don't need any more from you."

She looked genuinely surprised. "I wasn't chiding you for it, Sirius. It was a bit unorthodox, true, but no matter what colour your tie was at Hogwarts, your true colours shine though. It's what everyone says, even Lucius."

Sirius masked his initial disgust and simply asked, "How do you mean?"

"You are still a Black."

_No._

"And despite all your roaring in your younger days everyone can see that you're truly a Slytherin."

_I'm not._

"Everybody sees it. They all know your true place is with us."

_It isn't!_

"And you've made quite an impression at the gatherings."

Sirius had had enough.

"No! The gods damn you, Narcissa!" He stood suddenly, shoving her off him. She was doing it again, trying to seduce him over to the Dark Lord. He might have known she would try something like this.

He pounded across the room to grab his cloak.

"What is it? Where are you going?" she asked. She had that look of hurt surprised down pat. He almost believed her.

"You almost had me. You are a lot sneakier than I gave your credit for, but it won't work. I'm my own man."

"I wasn't talking about the war!" she cried. "Please, don't go!"

"What was all that song and dance about then, eh? About my _true_ place?"

"With your own kind! Didn't I just say I envied your neutrality? Sirius, believe me, I'm not trying to involve you in Lucius's war!"

"You tried before!" he accused.

"Because they _made_ me!" she hissed. "You knew that! I didn't want to do it."

She looked so pitiful, and beautiful, looking up at his with her eyes full of tears she refused to let fall.

He was afraid. Afraid that she had been telling the truth. He could feel himself weakening.

"Goodbye, Narcissa," he said, steeling himself as he had done with Regulus so long ago. "We won't be seeing each other anymore."

She took several breaths before responding. "Why?"

"Because I refuse to get wrapped around your little finger again."

"That's not what I'm trying to do," she said evenly.

Whether she was trying or not, that's what would end up happening. Narcissa had always been his weak spot.

"Be that as it may," was all he could think to reply.

"I just want to have someone I can talk with honestly. I could tell you anything and you wouldn't accuse me of disloyalty, or try to make things difficult for Lucius."

"Nothing would give me greater pleasure than giving Lucius trouble," he told her.

She waved it away. "I meant with the Dark Lord, Sirius. You're safe because you're free from all that. Please… don't leave me alone with them."

He stared at her for a moment, tempted to do something he knew would ruin everything.

"What's in it for me?" he asked, voice harsh, eyes raking over her.

She flinched, taking a moment then to try and think. Subconsciously she crossed her arms over her chest.

"I… we could…"

"Your mouth might say you're willing but your body says otherwise," he pointed out. He realised that he too, had his arms crossed defensively. Unlike her, he wasn't trying to protect himself. Rather, he was trying to stop himself from reaching out and taking her. "You chose your bed. You have to lie in it," he told her, though it came out even harsher than he'd planned.

"Fine then," she said, lifting her chin. "Go. Leave, you great brute." Her voice shook, and he could tell she was trying not to cry in front of him.

He trembled on the spot, trying to determine if she genuinely didn't want him, or if she simply didn't want to cheat on her husband. He couldn't tell.

It didn't matter. He was leaving anyway. He could turn away from his own brother; he could leave Narcissa.

But not like this. He didn't want to succumb, but he didn't want her to hate him either.

As he fastened his cloak he took two steps toward her. She didn't start or back away. She kept her eyes resolutely on his, stiffening in uncertainty.

"_Cissa,_" he began, this time taking care not to sound cruel. "I can't be your man and my own." He hugged her to him and she relaxed, even brought her arms around him to reciprocate the embrace. "I can't let you get too close," he said, which was perfectly inane, as he was holding her as close to him as he could. For the last time, though, he reminded himself.

"Can we still see each other? Once in a while?"

Sirius pulled away. Narcissa let him, her face showing that she already knew the answer.

Poor girl, Sirius thought, she had been so poorly matched. She would be so unhappy.

But there was nothing to be done about it. For all he had a soft spot for her, he could not be there for her. She didn't bear the mark but she was inextricably linked to Death Eaters. It was too risky. People did stupid things for those they loved. Sirius refused to let himself be put in that position. He never gave her much thought until he was in her physical presence. Best thing would just be to sever the connection. It was an attachment lingering from boyhood. Nothing more.

"Stay here as long as you like," he said. "I'll not be coming back."

He meant it. When next he made it to Gringotts he'd sign over the deed.

He strode down the corridor, into the foyer, and out the front door to be confronted by bright sunshine... and a group of about a dozen magical _gendarmes_ all pointing their wands at him.

"_Oh, for fuck's sake…" _

He slowly put his hands on his head and grumbled every foul word he could think of.

It was not a short list.

x

Lily was curled up at one end of the sofa, guiltily reading fiction. She'd finished all of her assignments, and she'd done some study for the N.E.W.T's, so she felt she was allowed some leisure time to herself. Though the wizarding author's portrayal of his muggle characters was laughable to the point of offensive, she was still enjoying it. Although when James came in she easily put it down, uncaring if she ever picked it up again.

"You look tired," she noted with sympathy.

"I am," he confessed, rubbing a hand over his face. "Merlin, I'm so tired. I'd kill for a cup of tea."

"Fortunately you don't have to resort to anything so drastic. What's wrong?" was her first question. It seemed she said that a lot these days. Any time someone turned up in her rooms she immediately assumed it was because they bore bad news.

"Ugh," was all he said as he collapsed onto the couch next to her. She relaxed slightly, knowing it wasn't an immediate problem. "I've just finished patrols."

"That bad?"

"No. I don't know. It's just been a rotten day all round. Rotten week."

"Did you want to talk about it?" Death of two aurors, nearly dying himself, stress at trying to get their Order work done, and who knew what other lesser problems.

He shook his head. "Not especially. I just… don't want to go back to my office yet."

"Stay and unwind. I'll call Poppy."

Lily didn't blame him for not wanting to return to his austere office. No fire, no comfortable couches, there was very little in his rooms other than the bed itself that leant itself to ease. Even his pillows were severe, which is why he had stolen one of hers.

Sipping her hot cocoa, she stole glances of him over her cup. She could see the stress slowly leak from him with each swallow of tea. She felt guilty about not telling him about the Unspeakable offer, but it would be cruel to tell him now, when all he wanted, _desperately needed,_ was to relax.

She rose to put a book back on the shelf. While she was up she leaned over slightly to give his shoulder a squeeze. He sighed, leaning his head over to rest on her hand.

Lily didn't know what to do. Sometimes he acted like she was a horribly misguided creature on the road to ruin, other times he behaved like this. Like they used to. Seeking reassurance without thinking twice.

But she _had_ told him that she would always be there to help him whenever he needed it. Help didn't always come in the form of battles or healing. Sometimes one just needs a bit of a boost just to get through the day. Or get past it.

Having made up her mind, she sat down next to him, his head instantly sliding onto her shoulder. Silently she summoned _Tales of Beedle the Bard_ and opened it to the table of contents. Instead of choosing a story she hadn't heard yet, she went with the one he had read to her one night, the tale of Babbity Rabbity and her Cackling Stump.

Softly, she began to read, "A long time ago, in a far-offland, there lived a foolish King who decided that he alone should have the power of Magic." James shifted slightly, snuggling in to get more comfortable.

_**A/N: **__Too tired to reread everything and edit properly. Sorry for all the mistakes. And sorry it took so long to update. And so you know, you don't need to ask if I've given up the story. If I decide to discontinue the story, I will__** tell**__ you. I won't just… stop. That'd be bad form. So unless otherwise informed, you can assume that the story is still in progress, even if it is 11 months between updates. _

_** All that about wand wood and core I got directly from pottermore. (I finally joined. I'm GhostWolfsbane15056). I really like that the wand I had given Lily at the very beginning suits her so perfectly! I think that might actually be her real wand type too. (Note to self: do more research.)_

_And all that stuff I made up about falling into the Dark Arts I think is true. I imagine it's what made Draco incapable of really being a Dark Wizard. For all that it had been difficult having a Death Eater father and an image to uphold, Draco only ever knew love growing up. He was spoiled and happy. He never experienced evil intent at home or anywhere else. Lucius might be a git, but he loved his family more than anything else. Same for Narcissa. I think this made it unlikely that the dark could actually find a purchase in Draco (who is also a git, but being a prejudiced git doesn't mean you're evil.)_

**"Language is weaponized when it is used to objectify, depersonalize, dehumanize, to create an 'other.' Once a person is labelled as 'not like us,' the rules for civilized behaviour no longer apply."** ~Mary Pipher

**"Dissent without action is consent."** - Henry Thoreau

**"Distance negates responsibility."** Guy Davenport


	80. Mysteries, the Ministry, Maps, & Morals

_**Author's Note**__: I always have excuses for not posting sooner, don't I? Well this one's a truly valid one! While I've been back in the states for a month (at the time I'm publishing this chapter, nearly 2 months) I'd broken my hand in my Central American escapade. (While white water rafting I got an oar cracked over it, fracturing the bones, then, not knowing it was as broken as it was, went rappelling down waterfalls the following day. Yeaah, pain.) Anyway, I couldn't physically write. Not being able to get dressed was a bother, but not being able to __**write**__ was soul-crushing. You can ask friends and relatives, I got pretty snappy when anyone asked, "So what are you writing these days?" Pretty sure I shouted in a few faces. Anyway, cast is off and fingers, though stiff and uncooperative at times, still work their magic on the keyboard. _

_And as per usual, I refuse to edit. Sorry (that I'm not sorry.)_

* * *

_**Chapter 80: Mysteries, Ministry, Maps, and Moralizing**_

Sirius remembered he was still wearing a portkey that could theoretically get him out of there. The ring Lily had recently given him would only take a twist, but to flee law enforcement and jump borders would make him a wanted man; he could be locked away in Azkaban or _Le Centre Dauvergne_, or _la_ _Fortezza di Pinerolo_. So he allowed himself to be apparated side-along to a magical detainment facility in Lyons. He'd been told upon his arrest that he was charged for illegal apparition and for "… _liens avec Tu-Sais-Qui_."

"_**Vous**__-__**Savez**_-qui," Sirius corrected. He refused to be tutoyéd by this snivelling French peon. Demanding a more respectful form of address, however, only made him less liked by his detainers, who hated the pureblood hauteur they associated with English wizarding society. They saw Sirius as another Pureblooded English prick. Not only that, but they thought of him as a pureblooded English prick of a Death Eater.

The irony—that he had just painfully cut his last real connection with them because he refused to be tied in any real way to the group—was not lost on him.

Sirius decided to wait until he was in the company of someone a little higher up before he began his argument. It would be lost on these pastoral idiots. That, however, meant waiting until morning. For the time being, he had to sit it out at the rustic local jail.

Sitting on his cot, he leaned back, gently banging his head against the wall every other second.

_How was he going to explain this to the others?_

'_I didn't do anything wrong, honest.' _Puh. As if they'd believe it.

In any case, he had no way of contacting James to get him out with his official auror clout. They had taken the mirror, calling him _vaniteux _(among ruder things) for carrying it around on him_._ He might owl, but there was no doubt the French authorities would read it and there was no guarantee it would reach James by the next day.

The annoying thing was that he hadn't done anything wrong. Well aside from the international apparition, but he'd done that several times before and had got off with only a fine.

Sirius hadn't thought he'd be able to sleep on the thin and narrow mattress, but when he was roused in the morning he realised it had been the best sleep he'd had in weeks.

One of the _policier_ lads woke him up and shunted him out of his cell, down the hall and into another room, no doubt for questioning.

He knew he was in better company when the real auror walked in. Earnest face but serious, brown hair (well-coiffed but with little imagination) robes immaculately cut but with no sense of personalisation or style whatever. This man was his job, but Sirius could tell at an instant he was of high calibre. He didn't know if it should bother him that they'd brought in a man of this rank to deal with him.

"Français? Or English?" the man asked him.

Sirius didn't know which to say. His instantly thought English. They were wrongfully arresting him, he'd make them speak _his_ English. A last stand. A slap in the face. Defiant. On the other hand, if he chose French, that might garner some respect or sympathy, and make the proceedings a smoother run.

He gave a very Gallic shrug. "Up to you, monsieur. Ca m'est bien égale."

The man nodded and Sirius congratulated himself, letting the auror choose. "Very well. I am Auror Cacheux and you are Sirius Black." Despite his near fluent English, he still pronounced his name _Seh-rhee-euz_.

"I am."

"And will you kindly pull up your sleeves for me, Mr Black." It should have been a question, but it wasn't, really. Still, the man had impeccable manners.

His over-cloak had already been taken so he didn't have to bother with the topmost layer. He started by removing his cuff-links, placing them on the table in front of him, then rolled up each sleeve in turn. No tattoo.

Auror Cacheux sniffed, then nodded, indicating that Sirius could roll them back down. He didn't though. He kept them rolled up, to remind him and to show anyone else who was curious that he bore no mark.

"That means nothing. Not all _Mangemorts _have one."

Sirius said nothing.

"We have been watching very carefully the movements of Death Eaterz, here, Monsieur Black."

"And the movements of non-Death Eaters too, apparently."

Cacheux didn't acknowledge this remark. "_Par example_, we know what your brother did here last month. The French people will not tolerate such displays."

Sirius shook his head. "My brother has been dead for some time, sir. As far as I know he never became a ghost."

"Not Regule. Lucien."

Sirius's lip curled in disgust at the thought of having Lucius for a brother. "He's _not_ by brother. He's a cousin by marriage only. We don't speak but at dinner parties, and even then as little as possible."

"Then what brings you to France, Monsieur Black, if not the completion of your cousin's work?"

Sirius didn't dare mention he was visiting his family home. They would immediately descend and find Narcissa. If they knew Lucius's wife was within their grasp, they'd lock her up in a trice. Whether she knew anything about her husband's activities was immaterial. There was no doubt in his mind that Narcissa herself had nothing to do with it, but also that the French authorities wouldn't see it that way. The moment he got out of there, he'd have to warn her to leave, immediately. First, he had to prove that _he_ had nothing to do with it.

"Just checking up on the estate. My mother passed away recently and I've been slowly getting my business matters settled." Half a lie, but it would do. They wouldn't believe he'd come on a whim and yet risked illegal apparition. "I hadn't actually intended to stay. Why? What did he do?"

Cacheux frowned at him but explained anyway. "Captured some _moldus_ and kept them upside down in the air. Anyone who tried to help the _moldus_ were made to suffer the… _Doloris_?"

"Cruciatus," Sirius translated. Cacheux nodded, recognising the English name for the curse.

For the first time, Sirius actually regretted ever having used _levicorpus _himself. They had learned the spell from Snape and had used it liberally in their school days. Now Snape was a Death Eater the spell was associated with dark wizardry, even if the spell itself was harmless enough.

x

Lily made eye contact with James across the Great Hall at breakfast, but they wouldn't get the chance to speak until they met at the Ministry later that day. Still, for all that it was only a look and it only lasted a moment, a lot was conveyed: encouragement, reassurance, solidarity, and, on James part, the hint of a laugh, like this was some huge prank they were about to play on the government. Lily couldn't help smiling as well. How many times during his school days had he planned with his partners in crime to wreak some epic mischief on the school? She too knew the fun of planning, the rush of the execution, the jubilance of success.

But this was much more than a prank, with deeper ramifications if they didn't pull it off.

That, coupled with the nerves of her meeting at the Department of Mysteries later that hour, left Lily with a squirming insides.

But when the moment actually came, she knew she wouldn't be thinking about her stomach, only the objective. She might stress about things before they happen, but she never let anything get in the way of her performance. When she was in the zone, she couldn't think of anything else.

She dabbed at the corners of her mouth with her napkin and took one last sip of tea. Before standing, she checked her pockets (for probably the eleventh time since she left her rooms that morning) for her wand; the bag of dream vapour was with James. It was decided (by Lily) that he would have an easier time getting in and out, and was less likely as an employee and a pureblood, to be searched. That and Lily didn't know what she would be allowed to take with her into the Department of Mysteries. She might have to leave all her things before going in, and she didn't want to be caught with a satchel full of stolen illegal dreams. Of course, dreams themselves weren't illegal, everyone is allowed to have their own dreams, no matter what form they take. It _was_ illegal, however, was taking other people's dreams away from them. Even if they had parted from their dreams willingly, one couldn't impose one's dreams on anyone else. Having a bag full of dreams was awfully suspicious, for what conclusions could the authorities reach other than that you meant to distribute them, even if they were all your own dreams, and really, who would carry around a case of their own dreams?

Lily stood, glancing one last time up at the head table to meet James's eye, but he was talking to Minerva, so she turned her back and walked out of the Great Hall.

Dumbledore knew of her meeting, and had agreed to let her use his floo. He was in his office when she arrived, which was odd, because she thought she had seen him sitting at the Head Table when she left. But it was Dumbledore, so she didn't think on it too much.

"Good morning, sir," she greeted.

"Morning, morning," he replied, blinking cheerily. Lily gave him a polite but tight smile and made her way to the fireplace. She didn't actually like being alone with Dumbledore. In groups it was fine, but she didn't like to be the focus of that man's direct attention. She'd already grabbed a small handful of floo powder and was about to toss it into the grate when she turned and asked, "Could the Order use someone in the Department of Mysteries?"

Dumbledore's smile remained but something definitely shifted behind his half-moon spectacles.

"We already do," he answered. "We could really use is someone who could devote themselves full time. We have too many tasks and too few available wands. I wouldn't mind having a Potions Mistress, either."

Lily's polite smile tensed and ached on her face, but she kept it there. She _had_ asked for his opinion and he had given it. She couldn't blame him for that.

"Thank you, sir." The moment her back was turned her smile was immediately replaced by an angry frown. "Ministry of Magic!" she said, louder than necessary, and threw in the powder (also more forcefully than necessary) and stepped in and spun away.

Her annoyance at Dumbledore gave way to nausea. She hated flooing. She stood for a moment to catch her breath and settle her stomach, but someone had come through just after and barrelled into her. Lily was knocked to the ground.

"Don't crowd the fireplaces!" he bawled at her.

Lily picked herself up and turned to face him, brushing off ash as she did so.

"Sorry," she said. "Got a bit dizzy, there."

His scowl turned to recognition and he said, "Evans, isn't it?"

Lily scanned her memory. The man seemed vaguely familiar but she couldn't remember when or where she'd met him.

He reached out and took her hand, even though she hadn't been holding it out for him. Pumping it, he went on, "Augustus Rookwood. You're the newbie coming in today, is it? I'll show you there."

It didn't seem as if she had any choice in the matter, which was a pity, because she didn't really want to walk to this man, whoever he was. He was an Unspeakable, obviously, but she was fairly certain she could have found the place by herself.

He finally let go of her hand and started off, Lily followed, covertly rubbing her hand. His furious handshaking had hurt, as if he man had actually been angry. Perhaps he was still peeved about the floo incident, and was only putting on manners because she might soon be working with him.

They crossed the atrium together, passed the golden gates, and Rookwood flung his arm out to stop the wrought iron grills on the lift from closing. A miniature owl swooped in the gap inside.

"Hold it," he said, and forced his way in, flapping his hand at Lily to follow. She did so, sending silent apologetic looks to the witch and wizard already inside. It was obvious they had been in the middle of a conversation, and she and Rookwood had interrupted.

An awkward silence prevailed, in which everyone did nothing but listen to the jangling, clanking and clattering of the ancient lift as it made its way, and watch the tiny owl hover above their heads. When the lift jerked sharply to the lift, Lily snatched at the golden rope above her to keep from falling into the witch next to her.

The other pair got off at level 6, leaving Lily alone with Rookwood.

"How did you know who I was?" she asked him, for the sake of curiosity and killing the silence.

"I was told you were coming today, and I'd seen you here before with Potter's boy."

Surely he meant _the _Potter boy? Lily still couldn't remember it, and frowned in confusion.

"When was this?"

"Oh, several months gone. November, was it?"

It clicked, but the memory was still hazy. "Oh, right. There had been a problem at Hogwarts."

"A group of students trying to kill you, s'what I heard," he said, shrewdly looking at her, down to her mark, and at her face again. She read no sympathy in that look, only hard calculation. Lily was more uncomfortable than ever but luckily the lift opened and Rookwood stepped out. Lily exhaled in a gust of relief and followed, hoping that all Unspeakables didn't make her feel like… well, she didn't know exactly. Like spectators at coursing, watching and wondering if she, the hare, would escape the snarling dog that was chasing her, with nothing but sporting interest. Not encouraging the dog, not fearful for the hare, just wondering if the hare will be ripped to pieces; if they win or lose the bet.

Lily put all this from her mind and let her eyes drink in their first sight of the Department of Mysteries.

Her first impression was that it was as touch forbidding, and Lily wondered, not for the first time, what exactly went on in the Department of Mysteries. Today was her day to find out.

"Miss Evans, right on time," said Unspeakable Hughes. Just at the present he looked middle age, but she knew that would change in a quarter of an hour, if not sooner.

Hughes gave Rookwood a small nod of dismissal. Rookwood nodded back and disappeared through a door. Lily didn't mind that he hadn't taken his leave of her.

Lily turned and smiled at Hughes, then, thinking that might seem childish or unprofessional, schooled her expression and offered a hand. "Glad to be here, sir," she said. Then, looking back at the entrance, said, "The security's more lax than I expected."

When he shook her hand he was smiling, and Lily let her half-pleased/half-nervous grin return.

"Oh there's security enough. You just don't see it."

She frowned. "Why?"

"Because you belong here. For the morning, at any rate. If you had broken in the view would be quite different."

"Oh."

"Now, before we get started," he began, and both he and Lily drew their gazes away from the door through which Rookwood had gone, "Paperwork."

He opened an arm and indicated a smaller, unobtrusive opening to the side that Lily hadn't noticed before.

On a small but stately looking oak desk sat a small, tidy pile of parchemt. She could read her name on the first page. The non-disclosure agreement/obliviation consent form. She took her time reading through the whole thing, and Hughes didn't seem to mind. He just sat there, slowly de-aging, as she read.

The long and short of it was that if at the end of the orientation, she chose to accept a position with the Department of Mysteries, she would have to sign a contract on the spot, including an agreement not to discuss ANY aspect of the department with anyone outside the department.

If she chose not to accept, she agreed to be obliviated as far back as this moment in time (meaning she would be left with the memory of agreeing to be obliviated, but nothing further).

"You either sign and enter," said Hughes, "or you don't sign and leave now…"

Lily smirked at his as she picked up the quill and dipped it into the pot. Signing, she asked, "How many people have left without signing?"

He chuckled. "None."

"I suspected as much." Anyone who was given a chance to look inside the Department of Mysteries and turned it down was seriously lacking in curiosity, a quality absolutely necessary in a researcher.

"Plenty of people have chosen to have their memories erased, however," he warned.

_And I will be one of them_ Lily thought. She knew she was needed in the Order, and that it was Dumbledore's wish that after she graduated she devote herself full time to the war effort. She understood he position, even if she resented it. Still, she thought the Headmaster wasn't taking her poverty into account. She _would_ have to find _some_ sort of employment to support herself after Hogwarts, even if it was wiping down tables in a muggle pub. Or else Dumbledore was assuming that others would support her, which Lily thought was incredibly presumptuous.

She winced. But Dumbledore didn't know that she and James had split up. No one knew. Not even Hagrid.

"Ready?"

Lily jolted from her thoughts, suddenly very excited to finally learn what when on in this most mysterious of Ministry departments, even if she would be forced to forget it later…

"A quick question," she blurted before he opened the door.

He paused hand trembling as it reached for the handle, young bright face beaming.

"Yes?"

She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She cleared her throat and shook her head. "Never mind."

Lily grew increasingly heartsick in the following hour. This, she felt, was where she belonged, where she would be most happy. Yes, since her fifth year she had been determined to be an auror, but that was more revenge based that what truly suited her. If the war had never happened, or perhaps simply if her parents had never been killed, she wouldn't have wanted to work in law enforcement. No, discovering how magic _truly_ worked… _that_ was her calling. She knew.

How desperately she wanted to be part of this! At first she thought she would love to work with time (thinking this must be Hughes's section), but then she saw the Think Tank, and decided that _that_ was where she belonged. Love seemed all right, even though she didn't actually get to go inside, but Space produced so many questions in her mind she thought she could easily spend her time there.

Hughes patiently answered as much of the numerous questions he could, and to the rest he replied, "That's the sort of thing we are working to learn."

_Learn_ he always said. Never _discover_ or _create, control, _or_ wield_. The goal of this Department was knowledge. _To learn_. Yes, some of their knowledge had been applied, as the existence of the time-turners attested, but it was clear that they weren't trying to create any tools, weapons or otherwise.

She wondered if it were possible to be in love with a _place_. The thought made her grin. _Watch out James_. _You've got competition._

It wasn't until near the end of the tour, past the prophesies and the rest, when Hughes led her onto a great stone dais that Lily knew for certain where her destiny truly lay.

"The veil," was the entire introduction he gave. Lily knew at once, instinctually, what it was. In a trance she approached it.

"_Death_," she whispered, reaching out to grazing the light billowy fabric with her fingertips.

A sharp hand on her should her startled her back. Hughes shook his head. "We've lost many Unspeakables that way. Best not touch."

Lily nodded but turned back to study it. It was whispering to her, she knew. She sensed her parents where just beyond, and Rupert. In fact, she almost thought she heard his voice; he was calling her name.

She swallowed hard, afraid that she might start crying right there in front of Hughes. She shook her head and continued her examination. Hughes simply let her, studying _her_ rather than the veil. Death. This was certainly one of life's greatest mysteries. She thought about it all the time. Her own, how to keep her own wards up after she died, how Voldemort was someone _stealing_ life from others so as to delay death coming to _him_. She thought to earlier that year, when she'd been nearly cursed to death by a necklace. If she hadn't absorbed new life from that cursed stone she would still be half cursed. She would have walked straight through the veil without question or hesitation. Roo and her parents would have greeted her with open arms.

Even without the curse it was an alluring prospect…

But no. She had work to do yet, people who needed her and a cause she couldn't abandon. If she left now, who would help James get the map?

"Fuck!" she hissed, stumbling back away from the veil and very nearly stumbling off the dais. James! The map!

How long had she been standing there?! It could easily have been several hours. She had no idea and cursed herself for not wearing a watch, as James and Sirius did.

"What time is it?" she asked. When he replied she gave a sigh of relief. She had an hour left before she had to meet James at the appointed spot.

Hughes, now an old man with age spot prominent on his cheek, smiled at her. "You've made up your mind, then," he said, his voice firm and confident.

"I have."

Together they walked back through the place Lily hoped she would one day work and into the little room. There on the desk was the agreement she'd signed at the start, and next to it was her contract that, if she signed, would mean she would become an Unspeakable.

For a moment, she thought, "to hell with Dumbledore, it's my right to work here if I want to." Then her mind landed on James, and how her entire career, nearly everything she would dedicate her life to, would have to be kept from him. Again. Could she do that to him? Just maybe, she thought. But perhaps when they were on a more solid footing. At this juncture, it would probably destroy what they had. And it would be turning her back on the Order as well. Unspeakables worked long hours, not because they had to, but because they became so engrossed in what they did. She wouldn't be available for Order missions, and she knew, even now, that if she had the veil to think about, her other projects would slide. No, her work for the Order was more important than her curiosity. Once the war was over, however…

"Sir…" she began, staring at where her signature _would_ have gone. "If I don't accept…"

He looked surprised but answered at once. "You will be obliviated. No exceptions."

"Yes I know, but could I apply again? I mean, I know you don't accept applications, but say, in a year or so when things are a bit more settled, could I come back? I really want to be here." She hoped she didn't sound whiney or desperate.

"Then sign," he said, frowning in confusion.

Oh, how she wanted to. She could go back to school and let it circulate that she was officially an Unspeakable. Even her pureblood classmates couldn't scoff at _that_. With that enticing thought, she actually picked up the quill. _To hell with everyone._

But she hesitated. Was she really that vain? Yes, she discovered. She was. She cared what other people thought about her, people she didn't even know or like. She wanted to impress them. Show them how capable a muggleborn could be. But was she so selfish as to sacrifice the fight for rights for her fellow muggleborns in order to promote her own image? Was she so self-involved that she would put her own vanity first and let the rest go hang?

She put the quill down and sighed.

"Really?" he asked. She could tell by his withered face that he had expected her to sign all along.

"Now's not the best time," she admitted. "Being muggleborn," she began but he interrupted, holding his hand palm out to halt her speech.

"We aren't political," he said, cutting her off.

"You aren't," she said a touch ruefully. "But _I_ _am_."

The wizened face softened slightly. "Ah…" was all he said, and Lily thought he knew exactly what she meant. She hadn't outright _told_ him she was in the Order, but she suspected it hadn't been difficult for this astute man to figure out.

"You didn't answer my question. You might ignore the outside world but I'm afraid the outside world won't ignore me." She shrugged in a way that made him glance briefly at her mark.

He nodded understanding. "In that case I won't take your name off the records after you've been obliviated. You will remain a potential candidate."

She reached out to shake his hand.

"Thank you. But how will I know that I want to come back? Won't all I remember be that I came here and chose _not_ to work here? Could I write myself a reminder?" Hughes looked sceptical. "Not mentioning any specifics, just a reminder that I want to be here and to come back," she hastily suggested.

Hughes said he'd have someone draw up a Department approved memo. They took their secrecy quite seriously, not wanting to risk that anyone outside the department leave with any information they shouldn't have. No doubt people, from the simply curious to the evil minded, tried to get their hands on the information concealed behind their doors.

It was gratifying to see that he was obviously disappointed that she wouldn't be joining. It made her feel as if they truly did want her.

"One of the Obliviators will be in shortly," he informed her, taking away her unsigned contract of employment, leaving only the memory modification form. She'd have to sign it before she was actually obliviated.

She stood there, alone in the room, for several minutes, going ahead and signing the form as she had nothing else to do. Eventually she sat down, wondering how long it would take to send an Obliviator. Magical Reversal was only on the fourth floor, weren't they? She thought that if they took too long she would just leave, but then reconsidered. The door was probably locked. They wouldn't let an unobliviated person just stroll out.

She tested the door to make sure and proved herself right. She was locked in.

It was nearing lunch time, what if they wanted to eat first? James would have been waiting for her and they'd miss their chance. Granted, they could try again next week but how would she explain herself? "Sorry James, I was locked away in the Department of Mysteries…" She couldn't see that going over well.

She'd just about given up hope of being on time for her rendez-vous with James when the door opened at last.

"Sorry," blustered a young looking young man around James's age, with ginger hair and an explosion of freckles across his face. He seemed to be slightly out of breath. When he spoke, his accent was the broadest Yorkshire she'd ever heard. "Bit of a mix up upstairs about who was doing what. Ended up obliviating another bloke's assignment. Ah well. They gave me this for you. They'd just finished drawing it up when I got here."

An idea, insane but adamant, suddenly planted itself in her mind. She blinked at him stupidly and took the memo. She opened it at once and read it, as if she didn't know what it would say.

She looked up at him as if imploring him for an explanation. "Why did I choose to have my memory erased? I thought… I thought this is what I wanted."

The poor young man looked exasperated, glancing at her already signed form. "I don't believe it. You've already been obliviated? Why did I come all the way down here? That Slope wants slaying, he really does. Can't even send and owl properly."

"Um…" Lily said, still actin confused.

"Right. Sorry. They probably kept you waiting around for that." He pointed to the memorandum. He swiped a hand through his hair, and Lily couldn't help but be grateful that her own hair was actually red, not the frightful shade of pinkish orange of this man.

"Three years I've been workin'ere and the still treat me like a muddy ingénue."

He saw Lily's mark and instantly apologised for his language. "Sorry. Nothin personal, mind. Me mouth tends to run away with itself when I'm not thinkin."

Lily waved it away, still blinking as if trying to take it all in. "Well, thanks for bringing this. I guess I should go now."

"Yeh, I'll walk you out."

She nodded and together they walked towards the lifts.

"So… how do you like being an Obliviator?" she asked to make conversation.

"It's alright. Busy lately, loads of muggles that need their memories erased what with everything going on. You see a lot with this job, and that's the truth."

"I can imagine. Do you come down here often?"

"Not really. Only one other time since I've worked here."

"Oh."

"So…. You were recruited by Mysteries. That's impressive. Quite the accomplishment for a mug—er… Well, it's quite an accomplishment."

Why was it that if she failed, it was because she as muggleborn, and if she succeeded, she was the exception to the rule?

She smiled, pretending she hadn't heard his slip. "Thank you. But I suppose I chose not to."

"I've always wondered what goes on there," said the man as they stepped in the lift.

"So have I," she replied. "It's so frustrating that I can't remember being inside."

The Obliviator chuckled. "We don't usually wipe people's memories who _know_ we've done it. Must be a bit bizarre."

"It is," she said, and for a moment she forgot she hadn't actually been obliviated. "You should try it some time."

"Not a chance!" he exclaimed with a laugh.

"Why not? Can't take what you dish out? You go around taking people's memories away all day, you ought to know what it's like." To make sure he didn't think she was insulting him, she smiled coquettishly, almost as if issuing a playful challenge.

"Can't be sure of what they'd erased."

"Neither can I," Lily pointed out. "I have no way of knowing if an obliviator insulted or molested me before taking my memory. It gives them a sort of carte blanche to do whatever they like because they know in a moment, to their victim, it will be like it never happened."

"Now see here. We've got rules, Obliviators. We're not allowed to interfere with earasees."

"_Interfere_. What a tidy euphemism."

"It's the truth."

"Yes, and I bet you've never known an obliviator to mess with muggles a bit before you wipe their memories. _It's not like they're going to remember anyway…"_

"I never!"

"Never?" She raised her eyebrows.

He looked away. "No."

Lily rolled her eyes. "I just think it's too much to ask of anyone. I mean, if you mess up, and someone finds out, what's to stop you from just erasing their memory? You get away scot free. It's cheating."

"We never do it for personal reasons. We have to submit our wands for continual checks so that it's not misused. We can't obliviate anyone unless it's been Ministry approved."

"Oh, and the Ministry would _never_ abuse that power," she said, then stopped herself. Foolish beyond measure for a muggleborn to cast aspersions on the Ministry within its very walls, was she _trying_ to get thrown in Azkaban? But all the same, it was an extremely chilling thought. How often did the Ministry use Obliviators on witches and wizards?

He didn't say anything, making her feel even worse. She'd really messed things up.

Daring a glance at him, she found that he didn't look angry at all, but _guilty_. Almost as if he _agreed_ with her.

Knowing she really shouldn't push it but knowing she had to ask, she said, "Have you ever… you know." Had he ever had to Obliviate a non-muggle because the government said so. Dissenters, or people who learned something the Ministry would rather them not know.

He swallowed but shook his head, not as an answer but in refusal to answer. "If I told you anything…"

"You'd have to obliviate me?" She smiled and elbowed him in the side, trying to lighten the mood. She felt bad for bringing it up, for putting that hang-dog look on his freckled face.

"I never said it was the best job. But it _is_ a job."

"I know. I didn't mean—"

"I know."

The doors of the lift opened, and she thought she heard him breathe relief. They stepped out into the atrium, letting people pass them by to get to their own levels. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Alice Longbottom look at her and away, not even acknowledging her. She didn't know how to feel about that. Frankly, she didn't know how to feel about anything.

"Well," he said, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"Yeah," she said. Agreeing with everything he hadn't said. She cleared her throat and stuck out her hand.

"It was nice talking to you. Maybe I'll see you again sometime. Under different circumstances."

"Yeah." He suddenly coloured. "I'd like that. Me name's Oscar Pennick. Blackpool. You can owl me, if you like."

She smiled. "Same. Lily Evans, Hogwarts."

"I know. Saw it on the paperwork." He grinned.

"Right, of course. Well I'm glad I get to remember _you_, at least. Perhaps you'll remember to owl." She thought that perhaps this flirting wasn't so harmless after all. If he remembered her, spoke about her to his friends or co-workers about this girl that he didn't have to obliviate, then questions would be raised about _why_ he hadn't erased her memory. And then they'd both be in trouble. While it might seem a bit conceited, she was sure she'd made an impression on the young man.

_Wrong wrong wrong wrong_, her mind shouted at her as she secretly withdrew her wand. _Not the answer. Not the answer_. And yet she was already focussing on casting the spell silently…

A moment later and she turned immediately away from the crowd, disappearing into the women's toilets.

x

James waited in the last cubicle, the "Out of Order" sign he'd placed there discouraging witches from trying to use it. He'd also placed a slight repelling charm, in case they couldn't be bothered to read. Only someone who was focussing and intent on entering the stall could manage to. Hopefully that would only be Lily. He sat on the toilet, making sure his feet were pulled up from view, the rest of him hidden under the cloak. He kept his arms wrapped around his knees, tapping his thumbs on his elbows impatiently. _Where was she?_ He took a deep breath. There was still time. She wasn't technically late. She would be there. She would be there.

He checked yet again to make sure the bag of dream-fumes and the knife were secured to his duel-belt. They had trapped the dream vapours in a leather container that Lily had likened to the bag that Aeolus had gifted Odysseus, which held the winds that _would_ have helped him home. Of course, in the story someone had opened it when he shouldn't have and the ship was only blown even farther from their goal. Both he and Lily were therefore _extremely _careful not to let it open unless they were properly prepared.

She still wasn't there.

_Come on Lily. This is it._

What could possibly prevent her? She didn't have class, and she was to floo directly from Dumbledore's office. Unless she was stopped for some reason? Had someone seen her mark, made some offensive comment that caused her to unleash? Say something that could get her thrown in Azkaban?

The door to his stall opened and Lily stepped in, looking ill at ease. He stood instantly and removed the cloak long enough to drape it over both of them, hoping no one would notice their feet.

"Hallo heart," he said without thinking. He knew he wasn't supposed to be using endearments. She didn't seem to be bothered by it though. She sighed, shoulders dropping slightly from their nervous hunch.

"What's the matter?"

"Give me a minute," she whispered, and lowered her head a bit and took several deep breaths. In the cramped cubicle, and having to stand so near on account of the cloak, her head was _almost_ touching his chest.

He put his hands on her shoulders. "We can do this," he told her.

"I know, I know. That's not it."

"What happened?"

She shook her head. "Later. We've got something else to do now. Ready?"

He nodded. "Right."

They went over the details of the plan a final time. James checked his watch. Time to go.

"Can I get a kiss for good luck?" he asked. Lily had to cover her mouth to muffle her laughter.

"You're like a little boy," she said, but pecked him on the cheek anyway.

James frowned at her. "That's all the luck you'll give me? One would think you didn't _want_ us to succeed. Come now, Evans, the Order is counting on us." Lily pressed her fingers to hide her smiling lips and shook her head. "Incorrigible!"

He took this as a good sign and leaned in. Not all the way, just enough to let her know he was serious. She lowered her hand and looked at him, eyes wondering.

A moment of indecision, then contact. Slow, steady, but something of desperation in it. He groaned when her fingers buried themselves in his hair.

He could tell, sometime later, when it was going to end; Lily slowly withdrew one hand, then the other, then her tongue, calming it down so that it was just a pleasant pressure of nose tips and lips, puffs of breath on his chin.

"We have to go," she said. He knew that, of course, but a part of him didn't want to leave the toilet, didn't want to give up this long needed connection. He leaned his forehead against hers. How long had it been since he'd felt that way? Warm and longing but content? Well, _longing_ he was well acquainted with. He woke up with a longing every morning. It had been months since they'd been together. But contentedness?

Surprisingly, he felt calmer about getting the map. Where before he'd been a tight bundle of nerves, excited and twitching; now he felt confident, relaxed. They could do this. _They could accomplish anything together._

He smiled. "I don't know about you, Evans, but I've got a good feeling about this."

"Let's do it."

He nodded and the opened the door and crept out, slipping past witches who were touching up their faces in the mirror with various beauty cantrips.

He took the opportunity of being in such close proximity to touch her, all along her back, as they walked. As it was too risky to take the lifts, they went up the stairs. Fortunately the stairwell was empty. Down, down, down they went, this time with James in the lead. She had one hand on his shoulder as they descended. He was hyper aware of her. But when they stepped onto the floor where the Map was kept, he wasn't thinking about her at all. Not in that way, at least. Now she was the other member of the team, his partner, the person he depended on and who depended on him.

She unhooked the leather balloon from his belt as he opened the door and they slipped inside. They crouched low as James placed a bubblehead charm on them both. They had to keep low so that the swelling around their heads wouldn't reveal their legs under the cloak.

He reached into his robes again to lay a cloth at the crack below the door. Dream fumes maintained their colour, and it was essential that the gas stayed in the room and not leak out into the corridor. Unlike garrotting gas, it would be instantly apparent to anyone walking by that gas was escaping the room.

They approached the man at the desk nearest the door. They nodded at one another and Lily carefully opened the bag a crack.

He could hear the hiss of escaping gas, and the space under the cloak soon filled with colour. Their bubblehead charms worked perfectly and slowly the gas seeped through the cloak.

The man's red-rimmed eyes which stared almost unblinkingly at the map in front of him started to droop and flutter closed. A moment later he silently slumped in his seat, teetering slightly but not falling out of his chair. No one else in the room had noticed. They too, did not seem well able to look anywhere but at the map.

James looked up at it too, and saw a name flare up and streak from one end to the other. The third wizard in the line jotted something down on a pre-made memo and let it go zooming away.

Quietly they crept to the next man and repeated the process. His head banged gently against his desk when he passed out, but the sound didn't rouse his two conscious co-workers.

Lily let open the bag again, but the third man, a balding fellow who looked starved as well as Imperiused, shook his head, trying to keep awake. James lifted the cloak a bit, letting more of the gas float up and out. The imperiused man noticed their feet wavering into visibility from his peripheral vision and looked away from the map at last.

He rasped, grunted, shook his head trying to stay awake. "Nugh!"

The fourth and last in the row looked over at the exclamation. "What is it?" he asked, before his head wrenched back towards the map, as if it had been forced by invisible hands. The spell wouldn't let them look away from the map for long. His curiosity from only a moment before was entirely forgotten.

James tapped Lily on the shoulder and they moved to the frail but stubborn man's other side. James figured that he was fighting the Imperius and likewise resisting the fumes. James admired that but right now it was a liability. Keeping their back to the fourth man, who by now was completely refocused on his task, they lifted the front of the invisibility cloak, exposing themselves.

Before the man could gasp in surprise Lily opened the bag wide and let dream fumes escape in a whoosh. It reminded James of that violent exhalation after being punched in the gut.

The man went instantly to sleep, but lilted and fell from his chair, bringing the seat crashing down too.

Behind them the last man stood, alarmed that his fellow three Observers were out cold.

James flung the cloak all the way off of them and Lily let the remaining dreams out of the bag.

The man's eyes rolled back into his head and his knees gave way. He crumpled to the floor with a surprisingly delicate sigh, almost like that of a woman.

The room was a swirl of floating colours. It was actually quite pretty, James reflected. The colours didn't blend together but retained their individuality. When a blue mist met with another blue they seemed to join, mix, then separate and drift off again, a slightly different shade.

James walked through the cloud towards the map, removing the knife Sirius had lent him.

The map was large, a good five feet long and three feet across, including the Guernsey Islands to the east and the Isle of Man to the west.

He started with the corners, working them loose from their holdings. Every foot was another clasp, which he undid, and all along the edge was a sticking charm. James simply slid the knife between the map and the wall and sliced through the magic like so much tape. It fell away like peeling wallpaper.

"Good, good," he heard Lily say from behind him. Once he'd cut the entire thing away he and Lily folded it up, as it was far too tall to roll.

"What's the time?" she whispered. As she was well aware that beyond the next door was another man watching the floo network.

James fished out his watch while Lily put the map in her blouse.

"Seven minutes," he replied, wondering if they dared. He decided they did. He opened the door to the floo room just a crack, just enough for gas to slowly creep in. James kept an ear close to the door, waiting. If the man did not fall asleep within four minutes, they would leave, but James wanted that volume of names of witches and wizards.

Lily pulled on his sleeve, silently questioning.

He put his palms together opened them, miming a book. James realised this wasn't particularly helpful as he hadn't told her about its existence, but she seemed to accept it. Obviously there was a book he wanted, and that was good enough for her. Lily was, after all, a weakling for books.

When loud crackling snores started issuing from the room he and Lily smiled at each other and went in. Lily inspected the floo grates while he went directly for the book. He snatched it up at once, holding it close to him.

"Lily," he said coming back into the floo room. "Throw the cloak over us." She pulled it from his pocket and did so.

They slipped past the four sleeping men in the now Map-less room, crouching before they got to the door to as hide their feet.

An unavoidable wisp of multicolour haze escaped from the Research Room when they opened it, but once outside they could use magic again, and cast several air freshening charms in quick succession. There were two people, but farther down the hall and not paying attention. Small amounts were seeping from beneath the door, but a quick _imperturbable_ put a stop to that.

They didn't take off their bubblehead charms until they were back in the stairwell, where they climbed flight after flight to get back to the atrium.

James shrank the tome, which had begun to weigh in his arms, and slipped it into his pocket. Back in the women's toilets they slipped into the last stall once more.

James pulled the cloak off of them as Lily put in place some privacy charms. Toilets flushed and taps gushed as he and Lily beamed happily at one another.

But it wasn't over yet. They wouldn't have completed their mission until they'd successfully left the Ministry with the Map… and book.

He swiftly kissed her forehead before covering himself once more with the cloak.

"I'll follow right after," he whispered. Lily nodded and slipped out, washing her hands at the sink before leaving, like all the other witches did.

James himself squeezed passed them, dodging expertly so that no one entering or leaving bumped into him. Once out, he slipped around a corner, made sure no one was looking, slipped the cloak off, and headed for the exit. He could just see Lily's red head through the throng. He would have preferred having Lily leave under the cloak, but the visitor's entrance, all the entrances as a matter of fact, had detection charms to reveal people who tried entering by stealth. He'd never tested it before, didn't know if the invisibility cloak was immune to this defence as it was to so many other things, but it was not the time to put it to the test.

He left by the employees' doors and hurried to their pre-arranged meeting spot, corner alley where rows of dustbins awaited collection.

When she came into view James ran to her, grinning like a madman. Lily held her arms open wide and he charged into her, whooping, hugging her tightly, laughing jubilantly. He felt the map concealed under her shirt crinkle between them. The proof of their success, their triumph over the Dark Lord and the parts of the Ministry he controlled, was right there, under Lily's blouse. Knowing that together he and Lily had thwarted him, after struggling so long, was intoxicating.

When he finally stopped spinning her in wild circles and she'd stopped cackling like a banshee he put her down and they both caught their breaths.

Her cheeks were flushed as she panted, smiling and smug. James thought she had never looked so beautiful and wanted her rather badly; to continue what they had started in the Ministry toilets. He wanted to shove his middle finger in the air at the Ministry then have Lily right there against the alley wall.

She must have felt him.

"Getting a little excited by the victory?" she asked, laughing. "Battle drunk?"

"Let's celebrate," he suggested, not waiting for an answer before going for her weak spot. He buried his face in her neck as he hooked an arm around her knee, lifting up her leg to put it round his waist.

"Wait, James. Wait."

Reluctantly, he pulled away, then watched with predatory eyes as she parted her cloak and began unbuttoning her shirt.

He drank in the sight of her. When she handed him the map he quickly took it and shoved it into his pocket.

Smirking like a sphinx she said, "You know, I've been wanting to do this for so long."

_Yes,_ was his only coherent thought. _Me too._ _Yes, finally_.

That's all she said before she apparated away.

James stared dumbfounded at the grey brick wall that was now before his eyes. That tricky little wench! But James couldn't help but laugh. She'd given him the map, clearly it was to be a chase.

He opened the map and saw Lily's name jumping from Cardiff to Dover, and James spun on the spot, thinking he knew where.

He appeared in the cave, crouching low so that he wouldn't bump his head. Lily's laughter echoed briefly, but she disappeared again with a pop.

Grinning, James looked at the map to see a streak of light dart from Dover to Duff town. Not knowing where exactly in Duff Town she'd gone, he pointed his wand at the map to where Lily's name was, and the image there suddenly grew till he could see the precise street corner.

When he arrived she didn't immediately apparate away. James lunged but right before he got her in his grasp she was gone. The map read London again. This continued, the Quidditch museum, the Yorkshire moors, Isle of Skye, and the top of mount Snowdon. When he landed at Hogsmeade he saw her racing for the castle, her red hair flying out like a banner.

He pelted after her. When she glanced behind to see if he was following she squealed and ran faster.

After a quarter of a mile, she darted into the edge of the forest, making sure, he was glad to discover, that she stayed within his sights the whole time, and transformed into a doe and started off again, faster and with greater stamina. She changed back a quarter of a mile from the castle, darting out onto the grounds near Hagrid's hut.

It was when she stopped, leaning over to put her hands on her knees and catch her breath, that he caught her, grabbing at her from behind, losing control of his momentum and knocking them both to the ground.

What little breath they had they spent in laughing in a tangled pile.

"Psst," came a great whisper from behind them. "Kettleburn's class is just over there."

James looked around as Lily instantly started wriggling to get up. True enough, not 30 yards away the whole lot of fifth year Care of Magical Creatures class came trundling castle-ward after their lesson.

Lily had already fled inside Hagrid's cabin, as the half-giant had opened the door for her, and James quickly followed.

"Damn," he whispered when he'd heaved the heavy door closed behind him. He'd have to have a disciplinary hearing after that display.

"Thanks, Hagrid," said Lily, though her tone sounded defeated, rather than relieved. "Did they see, do you know?"

Hagrid shrugged massive shoulders.

"Oi can' be certain," he whispered, obviously in a conspiratorial frame of mind, as there was no real chance that anyone would hear them. Better whispering than bellowing, though, James reasoned.

Now that he was able to take in his surroundings, he saw that Hagrid's hands were soapy. A great copper tub of sudsy water stood beneath the window. No doubt he'd been doing the washing up when they'd come romping up in front of his home.

"I'd better be going. I can make it to Transfiguration if I don't dawdle."

James grimaced. Lily sounded miserable, and no wonder. This was her worst fear. James wasn't ecstatic either but it wasn't the end of the world. The irony that they might get in trouble for being together, when they weren't _actually_ together, was just salt in the wound.

"James, could I?" She gestured to the invisibility cloak.

"Of course, of course." She didn't want to run the risk of running into any of Kettleburn's students and James didn't blame her. She didn't even meet his eyes but waited with her hand out as she stared at the floor. Once invisible she said goodbye to Hagrid and fled, as if James weren't even there.

Grumbling, he rumpled his hair and looked to Hagrid in a silent plea for advice.

"Don't borrow trouble," he rumbled, turning away from James to carry on with the dishes. Only then did he notice that Hagrid was wearing a pale pink apron. Actually, James suspected it was just frilly tablecloth wrapped around the half-giant's waist.

The sight made him chuckle, but it was weak and soon died. He felt their triumph at the Ministry had been taken away from them. Just when he thought he and Lily might be on the verge of coming together again. James knew what she would do now, classic Lily, she would push him away, distance herself, refuse to be seen with him for fear of rumours and speculation.

"She's never going to talk to me again," James complained. And he'd have a lot of angry school governors to deal with.

"Course she will," said Hagrid, drying a plate. "Give'r time to hide away a bit. Tha's what she's always done. She'll come round again, make no mistake."

James rose and took the plate and drying cloth.

"Not any time soon," he said. "Especially if the administration is brought in. She won't resurface till after term ends in summer," he said, putting the plate away.

Actually, James reflected, that's what she wanted _anyway_. Hadn't she said that they had to wait until they were gone from the castle? They she felt guilty about what they _had_ done?

And this was why, James thought. This is what she wanted to avoid. This and a heap of other problems they had to sort out. His memory wasn't very reliable, it seemed, as he tended to forget about them when he was happy and with her.

Hagrid handed him a teacup. "It'll all come round roight in the end. Dumbledore'll see to tha'."

"It's not like we were even doing anything, really. It'll just invite a lot of rude remarks. I mean, I don't really mind but…" He put the bowl sized tea-cup with the others. He usually used magic to dry dishes (in those rare times when he did washing up at all), but he was glad to do it Hagrid's way; his hands needed something to do.

When the dishes were dried and put away James wiped his hands on his robes. "Well, I'd best see Dumbledore. Tell him the good news. And warn him, if he hasn't heard already about Kettleburn."

"What good news?"

James tapped his breast pocket, where the map was. "We completed our mission this afternoon. The Order can move freely now. They can't track us anymore."

Hagrid's face transformed. "That's fantastic."

"It was a quarter of an hour ago, anyway. I'll be seeing you Hagrid. Thanks."

James was already out of the hut and walking to the castle when Hagrid called after him.

"Oi, Potter!"

James turned around to see the half-giant filling his doorway.

"She might try to disappear, but don' you let her!"

"I won't."

x

Transfiguration was a reprieve for Lily. For nearly two hours she had something to distract her from the day she'd had. After class was over she was weighed down again with everything. It seemed almost impossible to believe that only that morning she'd been probing the great mysteries of the world with an Unspeakable and that that afternoon she had stolen Ministry property for a secret organisation. They both seemed ages ago.

She didn't even want to think about the _other_ things that happened that day. The fifth years. That spell…

Lily was jolted away from her thoughts by the sight of Sirius farther down the staircase. She could only see the back of his head, but she'd recognise that hairstyle anywhere. She had cut it herself. He was in the middle of a throng of students, no doubt just letting out of Defence Against the Dark Arts.

"Sirius!"

He turned and looked up, waving at her to come down. He waited, not acknowledging those he was inconveniencing by clogging up the bottom of the stairway. Students had to crowd to the sides in order to get off to the landing.

"I was just on my way to see you," he said when she reached him, sticking out his elbow for her to take. He kept his hands in his pockets.

"So," she began, but didn't know what to ask in a crowded corridor.

"So," he agreed, and they didn't speak until he'd led them down an empty hallway. It was a longer route, but more private.

"And how are you, Cariad?"

"Oh, pffff," she said, letting go a sigh.

"I understand perfectly," he said.

"And you?"

"Pretty much the same. Right now I'd murder for a bath and clean robes."

Lily frowned at him in puzzlement.

"I haven't bathed in four days," he explained. "And I've been wearing these damned things for five. I don't think I ever want to see them again. I'll burn them the moment I take them off."

"Whatever can you have been doing for five days that you couldn't stop and change?" she demanded, not suspiciously but intensely curious.

"Got arrested, actually. Only got out this morning, barely in time to cover for Prongs's first lesson."

Lily gaped. "What did you do?"

"Neutralising cursed objects and a spot of duel practice."

"Not the damned lesson!" she cried. "What did you do to get arrested?"

"I was actually arrested for being a Death Eater."

"But you're not!"

"You know that, and I know that. Convincing the French aurory, on the other hand, was another matter altogether."

"But they believed you, right? Otherwise they wouldn't have released you."

Sirius squinted on eye and scratched his chin thoughtfully. "I wouldn't say they were convinced I wasn't a Death Eater. It was more a matter of them not being able to prove it. Lucky for me French laws are different from ours, else they could have held me indefinitely just under suspicion."

Lily didn't know whether to be incredulous or outraged. "That's awful! Was it perfectly in horrid, being detained like that?"

"The food was certainly horrid. Far cry from _haute cuisine_."

"And there were no showers?" she asked, then, out of gross curiosity, leaned over and smelled him. He didn't stink the way she thought a man confined for five days ought to.

He huffed a laugh. "Freshening charms, Cariad. It was the first thing I did when I got my wand back."

He then told the whole story, how he had apparated into France from Morocco and how, only hours later, they had arrested him for ties with You-Know-Who. "Didn't even mention the illegal appartition," Sirius said, as if that had been the most offensive thing about the whole experience.

He went on to explain that after they had reluctantly released him, they had two aurors take the portkey with him to London, and only then did they return him his wand.

"The look on the faces of everyone at the portkey station when I arrived," said Sirius with obvious glee. "If I don't see my name in the Prophet tomorrow morning I'll be disappointed."

"Better you than me," Lily said, and she truly meant it.

"Oh?"

"Unlike you, I actually did break the law today. Twice. But I think I got away with both of them. The Headline I'm afraid of is "Muggleborn Head Girl expelled and Defence Against the Dark Arts Profess or sacked for indecency."

Sirius tutted. "Nonsense. You're the automatic victim that has been seduced and taken advantage of."

"Don't laugh! This isn't at all funny. And please don't let James hear you say that. If they actually saw us then both James and I are out of this castle."

Sirius, to Lily's consternation, was still chuckling. "Look on the bright side. There's half your troubles solved. You wouldn't be under him anymore, hierarchically speaking."

She rolled her eyes at the innuendo.

"However did you get into this situation anyway. I thought you two were on hiatus, as it were."

"We _are_. We weren't even doing anything it just…" She sighed, or growled rather. "It just _looked_ wrong. In front of all the fifth year Care of Magical Creatures class." This made him chuckle even more. "I swear, Sirius, if you don't stop laughing I will hex you!"

She was in dead earnest, and stopped in her tracks to level her wand at him.

He stopped laughing immediately and not breaking eye contact, slowly reached out to push her wand down.

"I only laughed because I had those 5th years just now. Contain yourself. Don't take your temper out on me; I'm not your enemy here."

Contrite, but still upset, she lowered her wand. "I don't like being laughed at," she mumbled.

"I'm not laughing at you, Cariad. Just the coincidence."

"I don't see the humour in that, either."

"Well, if it will ease your mind they weren't whispering about anything salacious or juicy when they came into the classroom."

"Because it's _Potter's_ classroom, isn't it!" she pointed out, thinking this rather obvious. "They'd hardly walk into the Defence the Dark Arts classroom gossiping about their professor would they?"

Sirius shrugged. "They didn't look any more excited than usual. And you can bet with a scandal like that they'd be riled up. Take my advice, Cariad, on this and everything else. Don't worry about it until you absolutely have to. Got enough to be getting on with."

Lily sighed and leaned into him. "Sorry for everything. For complaining and for aiming a wand at you; that was just inex—"

"Sexy as anything, is what it was," Sirius interrupted.

She narrowed her eyes.

"And slightly terrifying, true," he admitted. "But you're quite lovely when you're in a temper, has anyone ever told you that?"

Lily only snorted. "I was being a perfectly horrid to you and I'm sorry."

Sirius shook his head. "It needn't be mentioned again. So tell me how it went at the Ministry today. Vigilance."

The portrait swung open and Sirius motioned for her to enter first. "Everything went perfectly," she said, and was about to say more but stopped when she saw James sitting in the armchair nearest the window. The fire in the grate couldn't seem to make up its mind whether it was going to flare up or go out.

James looked up and seeing Sirius, stood from his seat, putting a smile on his face.

"Padfoot! How was your trip?"

"Horrendous! How was your mission?"

"Stupendous!"

"How marvellous."

"Isn't it just?"

"Oh, stop it, you two," said Lily, though their little back and forth had brought a smile to her face. By that time they were all grinning.

"Tell us all about… Morocco, wasn't it?" said James.

Lily frowned but said nothing. Sirius turned to answer James, Lily noticed a small silver gleam on Sirius's robes. She reached out to pluck it the long blonde strand of hair. Sirius felt the contact and turned to see what she was doing. When he saw what she hand pinched between thumb and forefinger his face lost all expression.

_Narcissa's then_, Lily thought. If it had been any other blond, Sirius wouldn't have cared enough to hide.

She tossed the hair into the fire, and grinned up at Sirius. "The government can no longer track our movements. Feel free to congratulate us."

His eyes, once intense and almost hateful, softened. His words were warm and extravagant as he praised their success, but his eyes still showed slight wariness. She wasn't going to mention Narcissa, though. Not in front of James, at least.

"Well, I think that deserves a celebration," said Sirius.

At this, Lily blushed, remembering that James had wanted to celebrate earlier against an alley wall. Luckily Sirius didn't see this. James did though, and looked far too pleased with himself.

Sirius had an elf (Lettie, as that was the elf he was most accustomed to from his days at the Potter house) bring some brandy. Lily preferred hot chocolate and it was immediately brought.

Lily went back to what had happened that afternoon. Yes, in her mental self-beatings earlier that day she hadn't left out their little dalliance in the Ministry toilets. She didn't know what she had been thinking. Weakness, was what it was. Irresolution. She felt that she had been weak in succumbing after so little persuasion. She had barely been able to stop that celebratory kiss when they'd got the map out and it had taken even more willpower to apparate away.

She knew that they hadn't solved all their problems, but she also knew that James wanted relief, probably more than even she did. It had been months for both of them. She'd thought about it, _numerous_ times. Each time Lily had talked herself out of it. But that afternoon before when Lily was giving James his 'good luck' she'd let go, given up. Given in.

But not all the way, she reminded herself. They'd had a mission to do. What would have happened if they hadn't had something more urgent?

_Then we wouldn't have been in that position in the first place and it never would have happened._

She did her best to believe it, but she knew that if he tried again she didn't think she would say no.

But would he try again?

Probably not. When of sober mind, and not wound up with excitement or victory, he was pretty level-headed, however randy. Blast the man.

She was too proud to suggest that they blow off some steam by making love. _She_ had been the one who'd ended it, though he had heartily agreed to it a week later. She couldn't split up with him and then beg him to come to her bed. "Just for tonight and tomorrow we can go back to being apart."

No, it wouldn't do.

Actually, it would do brilliantly, but she didn't want to admit to being that desperate.

She'd been so lost in thought that she hadn't noticed that she'd made a bit of a mess with her drink. There was such a quantity of whipped cream on top that drinking left a small moustache of the white stuff on her upper lip. Without seeming to think, James reached over and wiped some off her nose with his thumb before putting it in his mouth to taste, carrying on talking to Sirius as if nothing had happened.

Lily felt her heart break slightly. This gesture, so careless, so small, affected her perhaps even more than their kiss earlier had done.

_That_ was what she really missed, she realised. Not the nights in bed but the closeness they had shared.

_Still_ shared, in rare moments like that one. She smiled and grabbed his hand. Though he was still giving a play by play account of their Ministry mission to Sirius, he looked at her and grinned, giving her hand a squeeze in return.

They were partners, after all, she told herself. They were allowed to show some solidarity.

"Come back with me to mine, Cariad," said Sirius half an hour later as he was leaving.

"What for?" she asked, then regretted it. She might have guessed it was something to do with that blonde hair and his arrest. But Sirius answered smoothly.

"I need to use you as a shield. Remus is bound to lunge at me the moment I enter my flat," he said, laughing.

"Why?"

"Oh, this and that. I also failed to mention that I was leaving for a week. I think he's less likely to explode if you're there. All I want to do for now is shower and go to bed in peace. Haven't the energy to deal with anything else. Let's stop by the kitchens though. I don't feel like cooking and if I bring food it might appease the little beast." At this he turned to James and said, "Don't worry, I'll have her back before supper."

"I'd better be," said Lily. "I've got to be in the Hospital Wing this evening."

"You do?" asked James, sounding disappointed, if Lily's wasn't just wishfully imagining it.

She nodded. "Feel free to visit. And if you want Madame Pomfrey's undying love you can bring chocolate."

James smirked. "I'll think about it."

x

Sirius and Lily went down to the kitchens to grab a basket of supper before heading outside. They slowed their pace slightly, neither in a hurry to get to London and the fight he expected to have with Remus.

"I had a dream about you last night," said Lily. "I feel like I have to confess it or it will eat me up."

"Oh?" said Sirius. _Do tell._

"Yes. I was fighting a duel, I don't even know with whom now, but I'd got them down to the ground and was running away when you stepped in front of me, blocking my path. And… well…" She swallowed and looked away. "I killed you."

Sirius hadn't expected _that_, but he wasn't upset. He understood all too well the horrific and fickle nature of the sleeping mind. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I did it. I just fired a spell, and it was red like a stunner, but you fell over dead and… that was the end of the dream."

"Interesting."

"I didn't mean it, Sirius, honestly I didn't."

"I believe you, Cariad. Don't worry about it. I can assure you my dreams are far worse." It was actually good to know that he wasn't the only one, the cankerworm in the group.

"Really?"

"Truly."

Lily sighed. "It's not just me then."

"I once had a dream that I betrayed you all. You and James, Remus and Peter. I dreamt I changed sides and turned my wand on you. The lads didn't even know about it. I killed them before they realised I betrayed them."

"You say 'the lads.' Did _I_ know?" Lily asked curiously, seemingly unconcerned that he'd murdered them all.

Sirius nodded, but refused to go into detail.

"How?"

"Because I saved you for last." _And betrayed James a second time._ In his dream he had felt no shame, no guilt, no remorse at what he'd done to his friends and Lily. He felt it when he woke, though. So much so that he'd tried to remove the dream from his mind. A poor plan, in hindsight, as it had made sleep impossible, and the taking back of the dream unbearable.

"Sirius," she said, pulling at his hand to drag him away from the path to Hogsmead, instead heading in the direction of the lake.

"Hmm?"

"Why am I really going with you to London?" she asked, sitting at the water's edge. A few students were out, in groups of twos or threes, but none of them near. He sat down beside her, picking up a stone and wiping off some dirt with his thumb.

"Exactly why I told you," he said, throwing the stone as far into the lake as he could.

"What did you and Remus row about?"

Sirius had to think back to the actual argument, but the memory was blurred by fierce bitterness. He remembered what he'd thought he'd heard, but couldn't remember Remus's words.

"The long and short of it is that Moony thinks I'm reckless and out of control. I said a few unconsidered things about him in return. I took off before things got worse."

"You're only reckless when you lose control," said the girl. He frowned at her. That had made no sense. Or rather, it was entirely redundant. She went on, "But then again, so is everybody."

"You're not," Sirius argued.

"Oh, I unleash my negative feelings almost every time I'm angry," she said, point to her hair to indicate her typical red-head temper. "I drew my wand on you _today _don't you, you're almost _always_ in control. And how you go to those _meetings_ of yours and keep your head is beyond me. You have more control over yourself than almost anyone I know," said Lily.

"Almost?"

She shook her head, refusing to answer but Sirius suspected it must be that detestable Snivellus Snape. Had it been any other person in the world she would have mentioned him by name. He felt his chest flare with heat at the thought of his old enemy. Sirius loathed the man even more now than he had when they'd been in school. He liked the burn, he liked to be angry. It made him feel… powerful and alive.

Studying him for a moment, she continued sadly, "I think I've only seen you truly be yourself a handful of times. Even now you are guarding yourself, I can tell. You're fixing your face not to give anything away. Like you almost always do."

"So?" He was still stewing over the allusion to the greasy git.

Lily cocked her head to one side. "Why _now_? Nobody's here. What impulses could you possibly be hiding now?"

He leered meaningfully. "I don't think you want to know the answer to that, Cariad. And I'm certain that Prongs doesn't."

"I'm flattered," she said, rolling her eyes. "But I rather think you are trying to distract me by flirting, when really you're angry."

The leer vanished mechanically and the usual mask was back. He turned his face away towards the lake. _Damn the girl. _

She continued, "You knew I meant Severus and you are trying to hide how much you hate him."

Sirius grinded his teeth but didn't respond.

"I don't ask you to be okay with it, just understand that I can't unlove someone…"

Fate had given Lily an excess of care and Sirius an excess of bitter hatred. For no reason at all, he felt it. It was always there. And he _loved _when he had an excuse to lash out. Snape provided unlimited fuel for the furnace of Sirius's rage. Or rather, it was his rage that was unlimited, and Snape was the perfect outlet, target, focus for the fire. His mind was filled with an effigy, a Guy in the form of Snape, set ablaze in the inferno. It stayed there, always burning but never turned to ash.

"You're _still_ hiding from me," she said pitifully.

A tentative touch on his back, followed by slow therapeutic rubs seemed to turn down the fire in his mind. It was still there, though, under the surface. It had retreated for the moment, dormant, but could erupt again at any time.

"Maybe you hate your friends just a little bit too, but you can't take it out on them so you scorch others instead." She said it like it was a suggestion, but she spoke as if she _knew. _"You hate James at times because he's just a little too honourable, from a family that was too good. Head boy, Quidditch Captain, and he was able to be an auror when you weren't and he puts a stop to the best sounding schemes. Remus just gets on your nerves for wanting you to be a better man when you feel like you are trying your best already, and it's just not good enough for him. And Peter, well you both like and hate him because he never goes against what you say. But you can't really do anything about _them_. So you have to redirect it onto others."

Sirius could only blink at her, his mind racing to find an argument and yet at the same time, frozen still at the truth of it all. "And you hate me," she went on, then paused. "I actually don't know why you hate me, but I certainly do feel it sometimes. Why do you, Sirius?"

"I don't," he rasped. "Truly, I don't." He realised only belatedly that by denying just that last statement he had tacitly confirmed the others.

She pursed her lips, shaking her head in disbelief. "Maybe you hate me for being muggleborn?"

"No."

"For being at Hogwarts still?"

"No."

"For loving a Death Eater…"

"Why do I have to hate you at all? You aren't as morally rigid as James, you don't try to change or guilt me like Remus, you stand up to me like Peter never does. Can't I have one thing in my life I don't have to hate?"

"Maybe," Lily allowed. "But I'm not it."

He wouldn't admit it, not aloud. He crossed his arms over his chest and turned back to stare at the lake. He _did _hate her a little but for loving Snape. He hated her for being able to expose him like this, lay him bare like this. He hated her for plucking off a silver strand of hair on his robes and looking at him like she knew every last twisted thought in his sordid mind. He hated her for understanding him in a way no one else did.

"Look," she said, putting a hand to his cheek and making him look at her. "I never want you to be so tightly wound up in yourself that you snap. I don't want you to think can't come to me. I'll listen, always."

That was something that the others couldn't give him. Yes, he'd hated it before, that she cared for Severus Snape; he had flung that in her face like so much mud, and on more than one occasion. And yet, that was the one thing that made her safe to confide in. She'd said so herself. There was nothing he could do to make her stop caring.

That was certainly a fault in her character, but it was a comfort to know in the dungeons of his mind that no matter what happened, no matter where he ended up, there would be at least one person who would look past it and, despite everything, still be there.

The fire in his mind spread to acid in his gut, burning himself with even more force than it had Snape.

Before he realised what was happening, she had pulled his head into her lap and was stroking his hair.

"Stop that," he protested. The oil from her fingers would make his hair greasy.

"Make me," she said.

A suppressed grin tickled his lips briefly, but the urge to smile quickly fled. Long moments passed before he spoke.

"I do lose control, Cariad," he whispered.

"We all do."

He swallowed hard. "Sometimes, I feel like I've truly gone mad. In spurts and jerks. Just bouts of…"

"I know."

He struggled to keep his breathing even. "It terrifies me… afterwards. Losing control." he admitted. He lay there, laid bare and unmanned. She simply continued to stroke his hair, all acceptance and comfort. He couldn't stand it.

"_Gods, I hate you_," he whispered.

"_I know, cariad_."

He hated himself, too.

x

Lily wasn't in the Great Hall for dinner, though James wasn't surprised by that. Minerva, who sat next to him, quietly congratulated him on their success at the Ministry. James nodded.

"And how was Miss Evans's visit to the Department of Mysteries?" Minerva asked. "She was most excited about it. Did she accept their offer?"

James was flabbergasted. Lily? An Unspeakable? She hadn't breathed a word about it, not even a hint.

James was livid.

He tried to school his features. He would _not_ let Minerva or anyone else see, know, that he'd been made a fool of. McGonagall knew, the Headmaster doubtlessly knew. She was probably even telling Sirius at that very moment.

He wanted to hit something.

"No, I'm afraid we didn't have much time to talk about it. We've both been busy."

"Naturally," Minerva agreed. "Again, congratulations and thank you."

He nodded and stood.

"But you've barely had anything," the Transfiguration teacher pointed out.

"Yes, but now you've reminded me I have to know."

He told himself he was furious, but truly he was more hurt than anything. Hurt she hadn't told him, hurt she had taken a job that had been the number one strain on his parents' marriage. But it was easier to be angry, so he stomped his way up to his rooms, barking at students and taking ten points from Gryffindor because a couple was giggling in the hall.

He ripped the mirror from his pocket and barked, "Sirius!"

"Allo Prongs."

"Is _she_ there?" he asked.

"No. What's she done now that's got you spitting?"

"Did she tell you she'd had an offer from the Unspeakables?" James said with the force of an accusation.

Sirius's faced showed genuine surprise. "_Did_ she?" he asked, voice full of wonder. "Why didn't she say anything?"

James felt better knowing that it wasn't just him.

"I don't know," he said through clenched teeth. _But I intend to find out._ He ended the connection, shoving the mirror in his pocket without even saying goodbye to Sirius.

He stormed into the Hospital Wing, full of indignation and ready to upbraid her, blame her for everything that ever went wrong between them because of her damned secrets. She was helping second year though, and James knew this was not the place.

She looked up and smiled at him. _Fake_, he thought. _How can she smile like that when she knows she's keeping secrets from me? What else is she hiding?_

He turned and left.

x

The Dark Lord was furious, and certain sections of the Ministry were in frenzy.

Severus had known that his side had the ability to track known Order members but he hadn't known how it was done, and he still didn't. All he knew was that it had been taken, and his master was not pleased. Severus had learned that his master had savaged several minds at the Ministry with particularly brutal legilimency. Severus had noticed that trend. The few times the Dark Lord dealt with the enemy himself, he was looking into their minds. Almost always it had been effective, but this time he hadn't found anyone with the information he wanted. No one knew anything about it.

It was certainly Dumbledore's Order that was to blame and the Dark Lord took the theft personally. He wanted to know who in particular had taken it, and more importantly, _how_.

"Severus! Lucius! Antonin! Bellatrix! Find out who has done this and bring them to me!"

Severus swallowed down the question he wanted to ask. How was he supposed to find the thief when he didn't even know what had been taken or from where? Instead, he took his leave with the rest of them.

He waited until they were outside and stopped Lucius before he apparated.

"I need more information," he said.

Lucius fixed him with a look of utter contempt, the one he was most practiced at.

"Why should I tell you?"

A good question, as there was no incentive for Lucius to share the intelligence. The Death Eater who brought back the culprits would be highly rewarded; telling Severus would only make stiffer competition.

Before he could make Lucius a promise he had no hope of keeping in exchange, the blonde had disappeared with a crack.

_Damn._

He would be in trouble if he couldn't prove to the Dark Lord that he was trying.

For an insane moment he thought of asking Lily, wondering if he could get the information from her, but he instantly discarded the idea. That would be putting them both at risk.

Still, all the others -Lucius especially- had contacts, connections, even influence with the Ministry. They had means of getting information. Severus's resources were limited to his own abilities, which didn't seem very helpful. He couldn't _brew_ up some answers. What else could he do? Lurk in dark corners? Block his mind? What good would that do him?

_But you _could_ try Legilimency, just to get the information from Lucius or one of the others_. Antonin would probably be easiest.

Severus would have to practice, and quickly. All that he'd read on the subject said that Occlumency was far more difficult than Legilimency, so it shouldn't be too much trouble if he were diligent. He wished he had a friend upon whom he could practice, and once again his mind went to Lily. She'd never agree to it. There were probably too many Order secrets in her head that she wouldn't trust him with. Shouldn't, anyway.

In order for that sort of practice session to be worthwhile she would have to have some occlumency to keep him away from the information she'd need to protect.

_That_ wasn't a bad idea. In the event -and Severus hoped it never occurred- that she were taken, having skills in occlumency could save her life. And his.

Now that he thought about it, he realised he should have told her long ago to learn occlumency.

Perhaps he should send her a book. Yes, now while he was thinking about it and before he forced himself to forget about it. He didn't keep an owl, and the post office would be closed at this hour, but he could apparate to Hogsmeade village and banish the book into the Head Girl's room. He knew which one it was from his school days, and despite not remembering it, he knew he _had_ been inside it before. And there had been a kiss there…

He had been reaching for the book as that thought occurred, and Severus's hands tensed into excited fists at the idea. He still didn't know what to make of that kiss, especially as he didn't remember it happening. He started imagining what it could have been like, but stopped himself abruptly when he realised he was getting carried away.

He unclenched his fists and wiped moist palms on his trouser legs before grabbing the volume on occluding.

X

After spending an exhausting shift in the Hospital Wing, Lily didn't open a single school book or research text. In fact, she didn't even stop in her sitting room but went directly to her bed, scarcely taking the time to remove her blouse and skirt before flopping on top of the covers.

She'd had students in tremendous amounts of pain. Students who had, in the past, called her mudblood, had told her she should leave, that she was unworthy to study magic. Tonight, these same students had been begging for her help. A small part of her had said 'let them suffer', had wanted to tell them, "Surely you don't need a mudblood's help." She hadn't, though. Her spite wasn't strong enough. She could still remember some of them, the older ones anyway, who had once been her friend. Before this new government they had considered her a mate, had wanted to please her, had liked her. Not anymore, though, and Lily didn't delude herself with the hope that simply helping them with their injuries and maladies would make the suddenly be nice to her again. Had their parents told them not to associate with muggleborns, as Roo's had?

Thinking about Roo depressed her. She missed him more than ever. She had no real friends in the castle her own age but she had Hagrid, of course. She had James too, but that had complications that she didn't want to deal with sometimes. Most times. She longed for Roo, for someone she could just tell anything and who wouldn't do anything about it but listen. That's all she wanted. She had Sirius, but he wasn't nearby, and Sirius had a darkness to him that Roo had never possessed. Roo had been only a few corridors away. Had been her age. Had been with her since they were first years. Roo had known her better than anyone. Lily felt her heart was being wrung out with missing him.

.

She dreamt of whispers and woke to the shushing of rain on her window. She fell asleep again thinking that it was finally starting to be spring. The next time she awoke, it was because someone was standing in her doorway.

x

After leaving the Hospital Wing, James had returned to his room, scratched out some lessons plans for the following week, and brooded.

He supposed she wasn't required to tell him anything but…

He banged his fist on the desk. She must have just finished in the Department of Mysteries when she came to him in the witches' toilets. Merlin, even at the time he'd seen that something was different and she had told him 'not now.' _Not ever_ more like. Gods, he'd been carrying on like a sap, kissing her like his life depended it there in the cubicle, all the while she was concealing the truth about why she'd been late. Had she just allowed that heavy session to distract him from the truth?

Trite as the expression was, he rather did feel his heart clench. To him, that kiss had been beautiful, perfect, exactly what he needed. Now it was painful to consider the possibility that it might have been a lie. That it meant something to him, but had been a tool to her. Was she even now an Unspeakable, and that kiss just the beginning of the concealment? Was she already lost to him?

James went to bed feeling wretched, almost ill.

His dreams weren't any better. He saw Lily in the robes his father used to wear. Each time he glimpsed her she was more hooded, more shadowed, always disappearing round a corner. She never responded when he called to her. At last, what seemed like years later, he finally caught up to her. Her face was gaunt and gaping, two empty sockets where her eyes should have been. Her voice, when she spoke, sounded like the sucking death rattle of a dementor. "_Jaaaaames!_"

James awoke with a start, fumbling for his spectacles and putting them on as he took deep breaths to calm himself. Before he even realised what he was doing he found himself in front of her portrait. James told himself that he'd come there to confront her about keeping secrets, because he was furious with her, but when he peeked into her room to find her sleeping peacefully, he breathed a sigh of relief.

Thinking his tirade could wait until morning, he slipped back out into the sitting room. As he crossed in front of the sofa he noticed a book on the floor. He picked it up to put it on the table, the title catching his attention.

_**An Introduction to Occlumency**__: The art of hiding your mind from others_.

James' blood went cold. _Occlumency_? She wanted to learn _occlumency?_ Was she so determined to hide secrets from him that she was going so far as to learn this art that wasn't exactly Dark, but that only dark wizards ever used?

No, James thought. Now was the _perfect_ time to confront her. Taking the book with him, he stormed into Lily's room.

She bolted awake instantly. "James? What is it? What's wrong?"

"An Unspeakable, Lily?" he began. He waited for her to stumble and try to think of some lie on the spot, but she didn't. She gasped and smiled excitedly.

"Oh that's right! I have so much to tell you!" she nearly shrieked. "I didn't have time before the Map, then after with Kettleburn…" She trailed off, but shook her head. "Come!" She actually got up and took his hands and dragged him to the bed. James, stunned by this, simply let himself be pulled. Before he even managed to get in a word of his rant, she was off, talking non-stop about the Department of Mysteries.

James's anger quickly evaporated as he listened in amazement to Lily describe the different rooms, sections, and fields of study, including which one's intrigued her most and her hypothesis about where his father might have specialised. They talked about that for a while. Of course, the Death Veil interested _her_ most.

_My morbid darling. _

"Wait. If you are an unspeakable, how are you able to tell me any of this?" he asked, and the familiar pang of disappointment hit him that she had signed up with them without telling him. _At least she had meant to_, he told himself, which was a small comfort.

"I didn't sign up with them. I said no."

James's excitement must have shown on his face.

"But!" she continued. "I do want to work with them _some_day, James. And we will have to talk about that when the time comes."

He nodded. But, no… that made even _less_ sense.

"If you didn't accept the position, then why weren't you obliviated? How do you still know all this?"

"Er…" Lily's eyes fell to the covers. Looking guilty, she poked one spot repeatedly on the coverlet.

"Lily…" said James, a grin forming on his lips. He suspected some mischief played a part.

James wasn't at all surprised when she lifted the cover over her head and squirmed beneath to hide herself.

He poked her through the blanket.

"Lily."

"I might have tricked the Obliviator into thinking I'd already been obliviated and then obliviated him myself."

James laughed uproariously at this. So much so that Lily re-emerged from the bedclothes to glare at him.

"It's not funny, James."

"What do you mean? It's hilarious. Obliviating an obliviator."

"I almost made myself sick!" she cried. "Can't you see how wrong it was?"

"So you thwarted a little Ministry toadie. You didn't actually hurt anyone. What's the harm?"

"The harm?" Lily repeated. "You don't see the harm in messing with something as sacred as someone's own mind for my own selfish reasons? You don't see how dangerous that is?"

"What danger, Lily? It was just a little spell. It's not even considered dark. Sure, it might have been a bit unethical, but it's nothing to get tear yourself up about. Everybody does little things like that every now and again."

"It's dangerous to _me_," she said, finger jabbing into her own chest. "_That's_ how people fall into the dark arts, James, whatever you may say about spells. Exploiting others for personal gain, no matter _how_ it's done, is more corrupting than any of the blood magic that you get onto me about. "

"You did it for _me_," James argued, the point pleasing him. "That wasn't selfish."

"It was entirely selfish. I wanted to please you so that you'd be happy with me for once. That's just as selfish as wanting to remember for my own sake, which I did, mind y—"

James cut her off with a kiss that surprised even himself.

"I am happy with you," he said after he pulled away, placing kisses about her face with each comment "Happy with us." A kiss. "Happy with today." And another. "For once."

"But Kettleburn—"

"Bugger Kettleburn. Dumbledore talked to him, it's fine. No one else saw."

It was a while before Lily spoke. James was distracting her.

"We shouldn't," she protested.

"Why the bloody hell not?" he asked, pulling his shirt over his head. He was determined this time. Her hands travelled up and down his naked back, causing him to shudder.

"I don't even know anymore," she admitted, pulling his face down to hers again. James rolled them over so that she was above him, and helped her out of her shirt. A blouse, he realised distractedly, not pyjamas. She'd fallen asleep before changing.

When he'd got it off her James saw on her face an expression of extreme uncertainty. He sat up and stroked her arm.

"It's all right, heart," he said with a smile. "Nothing to be worried about. It's been so long you might have forgotten, but we're actually quite good at this."

This got a small laugh and they resumed. James rolled over the book, whose title and contents he couldn't even remember. He didn't care.

Her body was better than ever. No longer did she look like the stressed skeleton she'd been before. No longer were her ribs and hip bones sticking out of her skin. She'd never looked more beautiful and he told her so.

He was just about to slide home when the silvery phoenix patronus entered the room. Dumbledore's voice was an even more jarring interruption.

_"Intruder on the grounds. Meet in the entrance hall."_

James groaned in supreme frustration. "Oh, I'm going to kill them," he growled.

Lily had already got off the bed and was getting dressed, looking cool and determined. At least James thought so until they were hurrying out of the portrait hole.

"We were so _close_," she complained, angrily wiping tears from her eyes. James was glad to see that he wasn't the only one who was near to pulling his hair out in frustration.

"We aren't done," he promised. "When we get back we will finish what we started."

Apart from the Headmaster, Flitwick, and Minerva, he and Lily were the first ones there. Hagrid came in the front doors a moment later. Dumbledore put off telling them the situation until the others had arrived.

They were to split up into pairs and scour the grounds for the intruder while a few remained in the castle to keep an eye on the students, should anything happen.

Kettleburn, owing to his one leg, volunteered to stay in, as he couldn't move quickly enough to be of much use. Slughorn, as James might have guessed, also volunteered to stay behind giving the usual _bad back _tosh.

The Baron, Lady, Knight and Friar were put on alert to keep special watch over their own houses and everyone else went outside: Flitwick with a pink umbrella-toting Hagrid, Minerva with Albus, Sprout with Vector, and so on. There were more than a few grimaces when they saw that it was still raining and as a group they put up their hoods.

Lily, wand in hand, started out with a fierce determination towards the forest. James followed but was stopped short by Dippet. She didn't have a partner. Her eyes sent him a silent, pleading request.

"Perhaps you'd better stay," he said, trying not to sound condescending, but he was in a hurry. Lily was not waiting and was getting farther ahead.

"No, James. I'm coming with you. I want to help," said Dippet.

He glanced over at Lily again; she was almost near the forest.

"What if it's a Death Eater? How practised are you at duelling?"

He couldn't even see Lily anymore and he called out her name. "Evans! Wait!" he shouted, and sent his patronus after her.

He could see Darlene was offended. Growing tired of arguing he said, "Fine. Stay close. Keep quiet and do as I say."

He jogged off, feet squelching unsteadily in the mud, Dippet close behind, whimpering whenever her foot stuck.

A silver doe patronus appeared, not bringing any message but led them to where Lily was.

Despite the stressful situation, James smiled when he met the sight of the now full-grown unicorn. Lily was stroking Mercury's neck, speaking low into his ear. Dippet gasped beside him.

Lily turned and frowned at the sight of Dippet. She gave James a look that clearly said, _You_ are looking after her.

"I know," James replied aloud.

She turned back to Mercury, giving him a final pat. "Better stay close to the castle. You might be too tempting for a dark wizard to pass up."

The unicorn reared his head and snorted. Lily turned back to him and Dippet and nodded, starting westward.

It was full dark to see, not having enough moon. Although it was raining only gently, clouds covered the entire sky. Dippet lit her wand with a quick 'Lumos' to light her path.

"Don't!" he hissed. "You'd be giving whoever is out there a target."

"But I can't see a bloody thing!"

She had a point, and had it just been himself and Lily they would have changed into their animagus forms at once to have better eyes to see by. By the expression Lily threw over her shoulder at him, she was thinking the same thing.

This was futile, James thought. A dozen people to search the entire grounds in the rain? Impossible. He knew that Dumbledore wouldn't really think such a scheme would work. He had enough confidence in his staff to use them as bait, to draw whatever enemy (and the wards indicated that it definitely _was_ an enemy) to them.

In a whisper, Lily starting listing potions.

"What are you doing?" James asked quietly.

"_They_ have ingredients for most potions. But there are some that require ingredients that come only from this forest. Or this is the closest and easiest place to get them. Unicorns, for example." James could hear the worry in her voice, despite the matter of fact tone she was using.

"It might not be for potions at all." Dippet argued. "It could be an attack."

"With just one person?" Lily replied. "Against an entire castle?" Her tone of voice made it clear what she thought of _that_ idea.

"Could be sabotage, like the greenhouses," said James.

"Which was an inside job. They wouldn't send someone from the outside for that, not when they already have willing students to do it for them. I think it's someone collecting for their own reasons. Someone with their own agenda."

James had to agree with her logic. He agreed that there were few other reasons why one person should be in the forest on their own. There was an obvious point that James tried to make as monotonic as possible. "Any ideas who, among the known Death Eaters, would be capable enough to brew any of the advanced potions you just mentioned?" he asked.

Lily didn't look at him, but the silence before her reply spoke volumes. "Don't be an ass," she hissed.

She knew as well as, no, _better_ than he did, that Snape was the Dark Lord's go-to for potions.

Leaning in close, she said, "Severus doesn't set off the wards." She pulled away as soon as she could and put distance between them. _Yes, you're angry, I get it._

Dippet was looking at them in confusion. James gave her an 'I'll tell you later' look, with absolutely no intention of actually explaining.

_Severus doesn't set off the wards._

How many times had he come here?

The light patter of rain had stopped but they kept on, making their way slowly through the thickening brambles. To cover more ground, he and Lily separated, staying within earshot. Darlene stayed at his side. Without even discussing it, they came up with a system. Every few minutes one of them would whistle out four notes, the other would answer with the next four notes. It was Lily's lullaby, the one she'd sung for Mercury what seemed so long ago. Had it been just one sign, over and over, anyone could have overheard and repeated it, impersonating her. This way, if something did happen to Lily, James would know because her attacker would not be able to produce the correct three or four notes of the tune.

X

Lily scanned the darkness around her. After over an hour her eyes had adjusted enough so that she wasn't constantly tripping over her feet.

She had pursed her lips together, about to whistle the answer to James's call, when she heard something ahead. It might have been nothing, but her prickling nerves told her otherwise.

She wanted to signal to James to be silent, to top walking, but she couldn't without drawing attention to herself.

The figure ahead moved again. If it wasn't a person it moved disturbingly like one. Lily followed with her ears the shadow camouflaged in a sea of other shadows. The intruder probably wore a dark cloak.

The sound of crackling of twigs and squish of mud moved in the direction she'd last heard James and Dippet.

Thinking quickly, she cast something that gave off no revealing spell light. Lily banished a nearby stone. It crashed its way through the forest in the opposite direction, distracting the cloaked figure away from its path toward James.

Lily had stopped moving and realised, in the silence, that she didn't hear James or Dippet walking anymore either. He must know something was wrong too.

For what seemed like minutes, nobody budged, not she, neither James nor Dippet, not the cloaked one. _Death Eater_ Lily thought. It must have been.

Everyone was waiting for the other to move first. She got another stone and this time fired it at the dark figure, but missed. The stone bounded off a sapling she hadn't seen. She needed more.

Everything that could be moved, was. Sticks, rocks, dung, anything that had fallen to the forest floor was hurled at the intruder as hard and as fast as she was magically able, making it a fearsome barrage indeed.

At last her opponent gave up and shouted, "Protego!" It was a man's voice she didn't recognise. His voice and the gentle glow of the spell gave both her and James a definite location. Although they hadn't discussed it, they both knew the plan was to attack as one.

Lily fired curse after curse, knowing that the light of her spell would give her away. James too, however, was unleashing a rapid fire of hexes, and if the Death Eater wanted to retaliate, he'd have to drop his shield, giving whoever he didn't attack an open shot.

Whoever he was, he couldn't withstand their unified, non-stop assault for long. The shield fell. Lily was ready to put up her on in defence, but a curse did not come. Had they hit him? Was he even now unconscious on the ground? Lily paused for a moment; farther off James did too.

Two spells went high up in the air.

He wasn't down, then. Not fully. Lily thought those spells had been a signal for help, and she prepared herself for more to show up, but a moment later she realised what the Death Eater had done.

It was as if someone had suddenly turned on the lights… and the heat.

Above them, the treetops burned, spreading the fire to their neighbours. It wasn't an ordinary fire, though Lily new at a glance it wasn't as bad as fiend fyre. Still, any ordinary fire wouldn't have caught on so quickly, not after a rain and the wood was wet.

Soon everywhere around flared bright with flames; branches began to fall, bringing the fire to the forest floor.

Lily had taken her eyes off where the Death Eater had fallen, and when she looked back, he wasn't there.

It was getting hard to breath, and Lily knew that now there was more than ample light to see _her_. She quickly cast a bubble-head charm, and looked through its distorting globe and the growing smoke. She didn't see James or Dippet.

A jet of purple light flashed in the corner of her eye. She only managed a part of her protégo charm, deflecting the brunt of the spell but she felt burning sharp pain on her arm, as if half a hundred people had shouted 'mudblood' all at once.

She saw him then, his hood still up so she couldn't see his face. Focussed and furious, she concentrated her attack. Her bowling ball hex knocked him to the ground, despite his shield. She didn't stop until falling sparks landed on her head, burning and catching on her hair. The bubblehead charm which had at first saved her life, was now giving an endless supply of air to the fire on her head.

She cancelled it and drenched her head with water from her wand before putting the bubblehead back in place. Now when embers fell on her, they sizzled painfully but didn't alight.

Getting out was important, more important that getting the bastard, but the fire moved more quickly than she did. Everywhere she thought to go, it was soon there.

The Death Eater ran and she followed, firing hexes back at him as he threw them over his shoulder.

"Lily!" James's voice sounded far away, though it might have just been the roar of the fire that drowned him out.

'_Expeliarmus!'_ she thought furiously, willing the Death Eater to be disarmed.

She couldn't see the actual wand, but she knew her spell had worked when the man stopped and whirled around, looking about in a panic. The fire swerved toward him and he gave up looking and ran.

The wand never came. It must have rebounded off a tree. She looked around for a moment, but her robes caught fire. She shucked them off in a hurry and cried "Diluvia!" pointing her wand to the sky. An instant localised downpour ensued. Or up-pour, rather.

By the time she'd ended the spell, the Death Eater was long gone, and James and Dippet weren't in sight. Granted, the only thing that really _was_ in sight was clouds and clouds of drifting smoke.

A shriek, dim and drowned out by the fire farther on, sounded to her right. Dippet?

Re-soaking her robes made it harder to run, but she didn't fancy the idea of running back towards the conflagration leaving any part of her more burnable. By the time she'd travelled a few yards she'd lost the direction of the shout she'd heard.

"Professor Dippet?" she yelled.

"Here! Here!" came the desperate answer. Lily hurried toward it, dousing what fire she could as she went.

She found Dippet looking quite as haggard as Lily suspected she herself must look. Dippet was on the ground with her wand out, coughing out an _auguamenti_ spell around her when flames got close, but it wasn't really working. She had her cloak up over her nose and face, despite that they were smoking and had been burnt away in several places.

Lily worked quickly, dousing Dippet before quickly putting up a bubblehead charm for her.

"Are you hurt?"

Dippet's coughs slowly died but when she spoke her voice was so raspy it almost hurt to listen to it.

Both of Dippet's legs had been badly burned when she tripped over a flaming stump. Lily hefted the woman up to test how much weight she could put on her legs. Not much as it turned out. Lily transfigured some deadwood into a seat and had Dippet sit while Lily flooded the forest around them. Soon, they were in the midst of a smoking bog. No more fire, though.

The immediate danger taken care of, Lily swallowed hard, thinking that she needed to know, even if it wasn't what she wanted to hear. Steeling herself, she faced Dippet. "What happened to James?"

Dippet shook her head.

"What does that mean?" Lily demanded. Had that meant to indicate that she didn't know that he hadn't made it?

Lily refused to believe that a wizard as capable as James would be bested by fire, his own element.

"We got separated," Dippet croaked.

Lily gave a curt nod, shot red sparks in the air and then tried summoning the wand she'd taken from the fire-starter. She didn't know exactly where it was, but she had seen it, had a solid idea of where it might be.

"Doing okay?" she asked Dippet. The woman nodded, shivering, but didn't speak. _Probably shocked,_ Lily thought, and tried to be as comforting as possible, but her Hospital Wing manner didn't work well on Dippet.

"Do you think he's all right?" the Muggle Studies teacher rasped.

"I'm sure he is," Lily said, and meant it. She felt the whiz of magic approach her, bringing with it the wand she'd summoned. Lily hadn't really expected it to work. She thought either it had been destroyed or she hadn't been able to focus enough on it, but she now had it in her hand.

Despite the poor light, she held it up close to her face to inspect it, not caring for the feel of it in her hand. It felt unstable and dangerous in her grip. Just by looking she couldn't tell if the wand were of a naturally dark wood of if it had been charred from the fire. She wiped it on her skirt –which produced angry, resentful purple sparks- to find that it miraculously hadn't been burned at all.

The ash wiped off cleanly, revealing clean but bumpy blackthorn wood.

"Can you walk at all, or shall I lift you?"

"I can walk," Dippet replied.

She _couldn't_, as it turned out, but she refused to be lifted by magic so Lily ended up acting as a crutch, with Dippet's arm wrapped over Lily's shoulder (which is how Lily learned that she had a painful burn on the back of her neck.)

They hobbled, slowly and nervously, towards the castle, Lily struggling to keep both her wand and the Muggle Studies professor up.

Hagrid was the first to respond to the signal but Flitwick wasn't with him.

"Lily, are you all roight?" Hagrid's obvious concern for her made Lily feel instantly better.

"I'm fine," she said, not remembering that she did, in fact, have quite a few injuries. "She can't walk, though. We need to get her to Hospital."

"I can carry ye. Ain't no trouble," Hagrid suggested kindly.

"What? No!" Dippet squawked.

"She's got burns on both legs, Hagrid. I don't think there is a way to carry her without making it worse," Lily hastened to explain, to keep from hurting Hagrid's feelings. Lily suspected by the look of disgust on Dippet's face that she hadn't been thinking of her injuries at all when Hagrid had made his kind offer. It was being picked up by a half-giant that distressed her.

Lily knew Hagrid had put up with prejudice all his life, but after 50 years was it any easier, or was it still just as painful? Lily wanted to talk to the half-giant about it later, if she could think of a way to do it tactfully.

Dippet consented to be levitated to the castle, and the three of them made their way out of the forest to meet the rest of the staff, who, according to Hagrid, were waiting for them.

When they re-joined the others, Lily related the events as best as she remembered. She didn't mention the Death Eater's wand, however. She wanted James to know first, especially after the last time she'd brought a wand back. Someone among the staff had let information slip and someone from the Ministry had shown up in her rooms asking questions. That was not an experience she wanted to repeat any time soon.

"What about Potter?" asked Minerva.

"I assume he went after him," said Lily, now starting to worry. Just as she finished speaking, though, a silvery stag came charging toward the group.

'_Lily. Tell me you're all right. Please.'_

The voice was desperately hopefully. Or desperately fearful. It was hard to tell. She didn't waste a moment sending one back to reassure him.

'_Everyone is here, alive and accounted for, except you.'_

Lily didn't miss the expression on Dippet's face, though she rather wished she had. It wasn't a betrayed look, for there was no anger in it, only deep hurt of a defeated woman.

Lily could understand that. She'd felt warm and loved when Hagrid and James had been afraid for her. She would probably feel wretched if no one had cared to find out if she was safe or not.

She didn't dwell on this, though, and finished telling the rest of the story, the little that was left.

It was decided to return to the castle, as the threat had fled according to Lily's report and Flitwick's wards.

Despite it being early hours of the morning, the students roused and watched in curiosity as multiple staff members entered. Poppy Pomfrey made her usual complaints about having to treat Lily yet again, but seemed more perfunctory than anything. Dippet was seen to first; she and Pomfrey disappeared behind a curtain.

Lily went to the next bed over and gingerly removed the blouse she'd been too tired to change out of before she fell asleep. The shirt wasn't _too_ bad, reparable anyway. When worn under her robes and cloak, its shabbiness wouldn't even be noticeable, except she'd lost her that cloak tonight. That left just robes, which were pretty shabby themselves. They were the same ones she'd bought before sixth year.

Lily ran a hand through her hair in frustration, to find that it fell out it great red hanks.

"Oh… Oh. No…" She stared, horrified at the pile in her lap. Now that she was thinking about it, it smelled awful too. Burnt. She felt around her head for missing patches and despaired. She knew she must look dreadful, and there were no hair re-growth potions anymore. She conjured a looking glass to inspect the damage.

_It's hideous,_ she thought, looking in the mirror at how her hair seemed to stick out jaggedly short in places. Lily was fighting the urge to burst out crying when Madame Pomfrey bustled in. The healing matron's presence and no-nonsense attitude helped Lily overcome tears and focus on the matter at hand. _Better your hair than your eyes, Evans_, she told herself.

The Hospital Wing door opened with a bang a few minutes later followed by rapid footsteps.

"Lily?" James asked.

Someone must have pointed because a moment later he slipped in between her privacy curtains.

"You all right?" he asked.

Lily's hair, what was left of it, was pinned in a pile on top of her head so that Poppy Pomfrey could do what she could for a burn on the back of her neck and shoulder. James, however, noticed the bandaged bicep first.

"What happened there?" he asked.

"Slicing hex. Who was it?"

"I'm almost certain it was Dolohov. Can't prove it though, damnit."

"We might yet," she hinted, giving him a meaningful look. James's eyes widened in hope. Lily looked uncertainly to Madame Pomfrey, who threw up her hands in defeat.

"No, of course I'll leave. I'm only here to put you back together again. Nothing important. You just go on with your secret mad missions, just don't come to me next time you're blown to pieces." She left, throwing the curtains open with far more force than necessary.

James winced. "She's not in a good mood, is she?" he said, closing them gingerly.

Lily shook her head and threw up some privacy charms. "Things have been hard for her lately, and we aren't helping. I suppose we owe her a gift-basket of Honeydukes."

He nodded. "So. Tell me," he said, arms crossing over his chest and fingers tapping anxiously on his arm.

"I got his wand," she whispered, grinning and pulling it out from her pocket. James's eyes lit up and he snatched it out of her hands. Setting fire to the forest was crime enough that they use _Priori Incantatem._ Anything else the spell revealed could be used for a conviction. That meant another Death Eater in Azkaban. "Can you look it up the owner at the Ministry?" she asked.

"Could do, but I think that that section is run by You-Know-Who's lot. Might be making more trouble for ourselves. I'll take it to Olivander instead," said James, slipping it into an inner-robe pocket. "It's a wonder you actually got it in all the mayhem," he said, bending down to kiss her uninjured shoulder.

Lily smiled, and seeing his glasses were smudged, she gently pulled them from his face, breathed on them, and wiped them on the pillow case.

"More effective than the charm," she explained, holding them back out to him. She didn't actually know if this were true; she'd simply forgotten to do it the magical way.

James smiled, putting them back on. "Right."

"You know, these are probably the slightest injuries I've ever gone to the Hospital for," she said. "Could have sorted this out myself and saved Poppy the trouble."

He chuckled. "You smell like charcoal though."

Her spirits plummeted. "It's my hair," she whined, letting it down for him to see. James inspected it for a nerve-rackingly long time. Lily knew that he loved her hair and had once told her she was never to cut it short. What would he say about it now?

Eventually he broke out into a grin. "I like it. Makes you look… wild. Dangerous."

Lily chuckled, grateful that he was trying to cheer her. All the same, she mourned its loss. She didn't usually care about her hair, but she obviously cared about it not having it.

His smile soon faded. "Moody would have my hide if this had been one of his sorties. I shouldn't have gone after him when I didn't know how or where you were."

"I was fine," she assured him.

"I assumed so, but I shouldn't have done. What if you'd been in trouble? First priority is looking after your partner."

Lily understood that James was punishing himself for a breach of procedure. Lily, however, was pleased that James had enough faith in her abilities to leave her on her own.

Although he _had_ left Dippet on her own, which could have been deadly for the Muggle Studies professor.

"Well, I'm glad you're all right, in any case," he said.

Lily guiltily thought the woman in the next bed over, alone and in a lot worse shape that Lily was.

"You should go see Dippet," she said. "She had a rougher time." A delicate understatement, that. But then, thinking that it would be better for him to know before seeing her how bad the injuries were, she told him what had happened. James's eyes went wide with horror. "Merlin, Darlene!" James smacked himself in the forehead. "I completely forgot!"

Lily didn't want to imagine how hurt Dippet would be if she heard that.

"Oh fuck, she's going to hate me. Where—?"

"She's in the next bed over, actually. She's doing fine now, I think."

"Is she furious with me?" he asked. "She'd have every right to be."

Lily made a moue of sympathy. "I think she's more depressed than anything. You should probably have visited her first."

James sighed and sat down next to her. "I really mucked it up, haven't I? I'm the greatest berk on the planet."

"You're not."

"Am so. What kind of person pretends to be interested in a witch, gets her to work towards his goals, makes her think he cares about her, gains her trust, leads her into that sort of situation and then leaves her to fend for herself?"

"Just start by apologising. Perhaps on your knees," Lily suggested, trying to be humorous.

The joke fell flat. "Listen, James, she'll forgive you for going off on your own and being the auror she knows you are. What you have to do is soothe her wounded heart, ego, whatever, for not sending a patronus to _her_ to ask if _she_ were all right. She won't care that you didn't follow protocol, she's worried that you don't seem to care about her."

"Should I tell her the truth about everything? End it with her? I don't think I can stomach this anymore."

"Break up with her when she wounded and miserable in the hospital wing? Physically and emotionally weak and hurting?" Lily shook her head. "Speaking as a woman, if you let her down now, you might crush her forever. What she needs is reassurance that she is cared for. You can split up with her later, gently, when this is behind her."

James sighed and shook his head. "You're right. Merlin, this is going to be a nightmare," he said, sighing as he ran his fingers through his hair. "Thanks for talking me through it."

"Of course."

Lily had to wonder at the extreme irony of giving dating advice to her lover. _Former and almost lover_, she corrected.

James stood, tried to comb his hair with his fingers one last time and pushed his glasses up his nose. He let out a deep breath. "Alright," he said and went out.

Lily knew from experience that there was nothing more miserable than being sad and alone in a strange hospital bed. She did her best not to think of Dippet as the harridan who had been horrid to her for so many years, but as a person who was shocked, frightened, and hurt. She knew James could make her feel better; he was good at that.

x

James had to take another deep breath before approaching the next bed. He had slipped out of Lily's and now stood by the neighbouring curtain, trying to think of the best way to greet her. Unfortunately, the whole hospital wing was awake, many of them watching him.

"Knock knock," he said.

There was a rustling and a hiss of pain before she answered. "Come in." James noticed the falling intonation of her words, as if she were resigned to his coming, rather than pleased.

James could hardly blame her.

He parted the curtains and slid inside.

"Hey," he began. He meant to say more, even had his mouth open to continue, but he forgot everything he had planned to say and just closed it again.

There was a moment of awkward silence. James noticed that a thin sheet was carefully spread over her legs, and that she wore a hospital wing gown.

"How's the Head Girl?" Dippet asked. What was left of her voice quaked in the attempt to sound normal. James knew that it was really an accusation, or worse, a pained acknowledgment that she knew that he had visited Lily first.

"I'm sorry," he blurted. "You have every right to curse me, hit me, bash me over the head with a vase. I won't stop you. I know I deserve it. I'm sorry."

Darlene looked at him with sad, confused eyes. "Why?"

James remembered what Lily had said. Focus on how she felt, not on what he'd done wrong.

"For not being here sooner," he said.

"Well, you had more important things to do first, no doubt." It was obvious that she was implying that James considered Lily to be more important than she. James now regretted the way he'd entered the Hospital Wing, asking aloud for Lily and going straight to her. A foolish thing to have done anyway, with beds full of curious students.

James shook his head.

"No. I was being stupid and selfish. I wanted the wand."

"Wand?" she asked, whispered, rather, as she had no real voice.

James waved his own, erecting some privacy spells.

"Yes. She disarmed him in the duel. Despite him getting away we can still get him with his wand." He pulled it out to show her, then realised that wasn't the point and put it away again, shaking his head. "But it was heartless of me to have bothered with that first before seeing you." He smoothed Darlene's hair over her head. "In fact, she scolded me for it. Said I was being too 'auror'. Told me I should come crawling to you on my knees apologising. I will do, if that will help." Little white lies wouldn't hurt, James told himself. The point was to make her feel better.

"She did?" Darlene rasped, surprised.

James nodded. "I'm so sorry, Darlene. I saw him running past us and I just went after him. I should have made sure you were following."

"I was for a little. I couldn't keep up and thought I'd let you go on ahead and get him if you could. I mean, you _are_ an auror; that _is_ your job. Not minding idiot witches. I should never have come."

"You wanted to help," said James, putting a hand on the woman's shoulder.

"I wanted to prove that I _could _help." She sniffled and looked away. "And proved that I'm a useless good-for-nothing. If it weren't for that girl I'd still be out there. I completely let you down. "

"_I'm_ the one at fault here. I shouldn't have left you, and I should have sent a patronus to you first but—" He stopped, sighed, slumped, and tried a different tack. "I never meant to make you feel like I didn't care, or that I cared about others more. It's just…"

He didn't know what to say.

"You just lost one partner and were afraid of losing another?" Dippet said.

James opened his mouth to deny it, but shut it again.

_Yes, that had been it exactly. _Once the Death Eater made it to Hogsmeade and had apparated away, James had panicked that he'd left Lily to burn to death.

He hung his head. "She's not my partner; she's not an auror and—"

"I _know_ about Dumbledore's group, James," she interrupted. "I know both of you are in it, and other staff members too. And I also know now why I wasn't asked to join too." She sniffled a bit. "I saw the way you two duelled that Death Eater," she went on. "I can tell how used you are to working together. You aren't accustomed to having me around in those situations. You are used to being with a witch who can fend for herself. I didn't understand that before. I mean, I knew you two had been in a few mix-ups before and I hated it. Hated that you seemed so close. But after tonight, seeing you work together I understand. I'm sorry I got in the way."

She was crying. James suspected it was not because she hadn't been helpful that night, but because she wasn't the sort of duellist that Lily was. Darlene supposed that being a good duellist meant being a good girlfriend, which wasn't the case.

"Well, yes. When fighting that's what I'm used to, but there's much more to life than duelling," he pointed out.

"I wish I were better at it," she rasped.

"Not everyone can be good at everything," he assured her. "You have your strong points and weaknesses just like everyone else."

"What are _her_ weaknesses then?" Darlene asked. James wished she wouldn't keep trying to compare herself to Lily, but since it was his fault that she was thinking about it in the first place, he tried to answer. James thought that perhaps he'd invent a fault in Lily's magical ability but couldn't think of anything that Dippet wouldn't know instantly was a lie. Feeling that he was taking too much time to answer, he blurted out something he normally wouldn't have.

"She's not open like you," he said. "You don't hide, Darlene. You communicate. And though you may not think so, that's a great thing about you that she certainly doesn't have. So yes, as a partner, it's important to be able to duel, but in all other parts of life, your openness is much more desirable."

James was disgusted with himself for saying it, but it was true. Lily had a great ability to love, but she was so afraid of being hurt that she could be closed off, even to those closest to her.

He decided he needed to change topics entirely. "Are you in much pain? Can I get you something? Do anything for you?"

She shook her head. "If you have somewhere else to be—"

"No," he insisted. "I'll stay with you."

"I'm only going to bed. You should get some rest too."

"Well, I'll stay until you fall asleep then."

She smiled and tried to say thank you, but ended up in coughing fit instead.

That was his fault, he knew, though Darlene didn't seem to blame him for it. Lily had been right, about everything.

James now realised how unfair he'd been to Darlene, using her for their campaign against the legislation that discriminated against muggleborns. What he had considered idle flirtation, perhaps innocently leading her on, had become a much more serious matter. She had trusted him, had counted on his caring for her to keep her safe and he hadn't.

It was obvious after tonight that Darlene's feelings were deeper than he'd suspected. He hadn't realised that he had the ability to hurt her so much. It was a harsh awakening to him. He'd been playing her all along to further his own aims but she had been in it for real the whole time, something that hadn't really occurred to him before.

He really was an ass. Agatha had said so. Lily had said so. Darlene…

If she knew the truth would certainly call him an ass, and that was at the very least.

He continued holding her hand as she settled down to sleep. Her fingers were shorter than Lily's, he realised. She wore rings, too. In fact, there were several things about her that he'd never noticed before, mainly because he'd never bothered to look.

Darlene was asleep within half an hour. But by that time Lily had already gone.

James was feeling exhausted himself and found his feet heavier than usual to lift up each stair. He didn't bother going up another five flights to his room, but headed instead to Lily's.

He wanted to tell her how it had gone, maybe ask her how much of an ass she really thought him, but she was asleep when he got there, and only roused for a moment when he slid under the covers. The discussion could wait. For now, he just wanted to forget all his horrid mistakes and pass out.

James put his arms around Lily's middle; she hummed and shifted a bit. He curled in, getting as comfortable as he could. When he took in a deep breath he could smell her, good clean earth and burnt hair. All he wanted was a few hours of unconscious peace.

But he couldn't manage to fall asleep.

x

Lily's alarm went off far too soon. She felt as if she'd only just crawled into bed before the stupid thing went off. She didn't have class until that afternoon and she thoroughly intended to skip her library study time and have a lie-in.

She moaned and turned over, wriggling around to her other side in order to get comfortable again. It was then she remembered James was there.

He was already awake, sitting up reading a book, his back against the headboard. Lily blinked and rubbed her eyes clean to read the title.

"Why are you learning occlumency?" she asked, surprised but intrigued.

James lowered it and fixed her with a look. "_I?_ It's your book; I'm just reading it."

Lily frowned. "It's not mine."

He rolled his eyes. "Don't try to cover, I found it on your sitting room floor last night. Why have _you_ been studying it?"

"I haven't. I've never seen it before."

She sat up properly and took the book out of James's hands and flipped through its pages. The front inside cover read, _**Property of the Half-Blood Prince**_.

"It's from Severus," she breathed, opening it to the table of contents and scanning it with her finger. "It wasn't here yesterday afternoon. It must have come in the night."

"Snape?" James asked, unable to keep his nose from wrinkling. "What the devil does he mean by sending you something like that?"

Lily took a minute to consider. There seemed to be only one reason he would.

"My guess is that they have started using legilimency on their enemies to get information."

"He's telling you how to protect yourself," said James, as if unsure what to make of it.

"We should all learn," she said. "He must be concerned about the possibility if he's sending me study materials. It might not be just Death Eaters we have to worry about. For all we know there might be a new Minstry procedure that allows them to look into our minds, too. Wouldn't put it past them. I mean, they can take our memories, why not look in our private thoughts? Probably call them, _Legilimencers_." The more she spoke, the angrier she became.

James harrumphed, but whether at Severus's gesture or in contempt of how low the Ministry would stoop, she didn't know.

"James?" she asked. "Are you going to get angry with me over this?" she asked, holding the book up.

He shook his head. "I was before when I thought you were trying to learn on the sly."

"I wasn't."

"I know. But this is…" James cleared his throat. "The implications are worrying."

"Do you think it's because we stole the map?" she asked. A serious breech in security like that might make the Ministry increase their measures.

"Possibly," he said. "Probably, rather," he amended, getting up. "Can I use your shower?" he asked, already taking off his clothes.

She waved a permissive hand towards the bathroom.

Lily was exhausted and felt it as an ache in her entire body but she couldn't imagine going back to bed. Not with this development.

She opened the book Severus had given her, feeling at once guilty and relieved that James knew about it.

No doubt Severus would throw a fit if he knew his book was in reach of his most hated enemy, but what Severus didn't know wouldn't hurt him, she hoped.

Lily took the text into the sitting room and began reading, growing increasingly excited at the prospect the further she got.

She had only finished the introduction, starting in on chapter one when Sirius walked in, resplendent in fresh robes and a delicate cologne.

"Morning, Cariad. I was thinking—"

He didn't get any further because at that same moment James walked in, towelling his hair saying, "I was thinking just now about…"

Both men stopped what they were doing and looked in surprise at the other.

She looked at James. "Go on," she said, then turned to Sirius. "You were thinking…" she prompted.

Lily found it amusing that both men walked into the same room, the same morning, at the same time and said very nearly the same words. Lily was half expecting them to have had the same idea, whatever it was.

"What are you doing here?" they both asked each other.

Lily couldn't help it; she burst into laughter. Wiping tears from her eyes and trying to regain her breath, she managed to say, "You two are too precious." She then lost her gravity and started cackling again.

She could understand their surprise. Sirius assumed that James had spent the night, which was true and would be quite the development had they actually slept together. _Although,_ had that Death Eater not shown up, what Sirius assumed would very likely have happened.

James might well be stupefied at Sirius's presence so early in the morning, but Sirius (who slept so little) frequently turned up in her rooms at all hours of the day or night. She'd ceased to think it strange.

"I say, Cariad," he said. "You've certainly done something to your hair."

"Oh don't, Sirius, I know it's frightful." Lily buried her face in her arms. She'd momentarily forgotten about it having been burnt half-off, and wished Sirius would leave if he was just going to make fun of her for it. _No_, she admitted, not make fun. He didn't find it humorous, he found it appalling. So did she.

All at once Lily had the urge to go back to bed, pull the covers over her head, and not go to any classes that day.

"No, it's _not_ frightful," said James in what Lily would have thought to be a placating way, but there was wonder in his voice. Quiet surprise.

As Lily lifted her head to look at him, he reached a hand out to stroke her hair. Then he ran his fingers through it.

"It's grown back," he whispered. "What did you do?"

"I… I don't know." Lily had done nothing but go to bead dreading this latest defect her classmates could ridicule her for.

"Whatever you've done, it looks fantastic," said Sirius, swooping in to kiss her cheek.

Lily glowed. She didn't think Sirius had _ever_ complimented on her hair before. (He had such impossible standards.) Eager to see it for herself, she darted out of the sitting room, through her bedroom and into the bathroom.

Actually, she couldn't tell much difference, other than it wasn't burned. Perhaps it was _slightly_ shinier. And there were fewer tangles. Otherwise it looked much the same to her, which delighted her just as much. No missing patches, hair sticking out or odd layers.

She smiled. Curious, that such a silly thing as hair could have such an effect on one's outlook.

Lily was still combing her fingers through it when she returned to the sitting room.

"Are you back together then?" Sirius asked.

Both she and James hesitated before Lily blurted, "No."

The pause had been just long enough to make Sirius dubious. She saw James's expression -disappointed yet resigned- and felt guilty.

Well, it was the truth, after all. They _weren't_ back together.

Unless James had thought that their lovemaking would have meant reconciliation?

Oh dear.

Lily didn't know what to think, but she was saved from saying anything by Sirius explaining why he'd come.

"I've been invited to a party. I rather thought of taking you with me, Cariad. Stir things up a bit."

"A party with _them_?" Lily asked, immediately forgetting to feel guilty or awkward or anything other than surprised and slightly terrified.

"Right. Give them something to talk about. Liven the place right up."

"You mean walk into a gathering of pure bloods just so they can have the pleasure of hating me? Are you honestly asking me to put myself through that? They'd hex me on the spot."

"I doubt it. Think of it as having the chance of thoroughly scandalising and affronting the whole lot of them."

"I hear offending powerful important people isn't a healthy past-time," she remarked.

"It's just mischief for mischief's sake," James added.

Sirius frowned bitterly. "You didn't used to need another reason."

"This is different," he stated, not explaining further.

"It _is_ different," Sirius agreed, though his tone was anything but agreeable. "Because this time it's actually the _right_ thing to do."

There was silence in the room for several pounding seconds, the tension pulled three ways.

"No," said Lily quietly but firmly. "I can see what you want to do, Sirius, and I do appreciate it but I will not be the red cape you use to taunt the bulls." She paused to look at him, and with some guilt she added, "I'm just not brave enough for that. Sorry."

It was a horrible thing to confess in front of two of the cockiest Gryffindors the house had ever produced, but it had needed to be said. This was where she chickened out. She could fight duels, undertake missions, write essays, but she couldn't put herself on the pillory to be the target of everyone's scorn. She wasn't that strong. Besides, her arm would, in all probability, fall off entirely with the number of times people would mention the 'mudblood' in the room.

Sirius cleared his throat. "No, of course. It's quite all right, just extending the uh…" He trailed off and looked around the room, as if he hadn't been speaking at all. His eyes landed on the book sitting on the sofa. "Occlumency?" he asked, picking it up.

Lily spoke up at once, cutting off whatever James might have been about to say. "Yes. I've decided to learn. James too."

Sirius's brows rose, which was the only way Lily could really gauge his reactions. He was surprised but intrigued.

"Count me in," he said, opening the book to a random page and started reading. After a line or two he hummed, or harrumphed, it was hard to tell, and turned to the title page.

"Looks like I've got homework. Shall we take a trip to the library; see if there are any others?"

"I can't. I've got to get to breakfast before class," said James.

"And _some_body took away my pass to check out books from the restricted section," said Lily, glowering at James.

James rolled his eyes. "Fine," he said with a sigh. He grabbed a loose piece of parchment from the table and quickly dipped one of the many quills that were scattered around the room into a pot of ink. He slashed out a permission form and held it out to her.

Lily didn't feel like thanking him for doing something he shouldn't have undone in the first place. She just grinned triumphantly (and thankfully) at Sirius, who had been the instrument to her renewed access to the most interesting part of the library.

She snatched the permission slip and took Sirius by the elbow, as his hands were still in his pockets. She towed him out of the room. "See you later!" she called over her shoulder to James. "And don't forget to visit the Hospital Wing before class!"

x

Sirius felt a wave of slight nostalgia when he and Lily walked into the library. He'd had a few trysts there in his day, but mostly he associated the smell of parchment and the suffused silence with the thrill of planning their more extravagant pranks, of researching how to become animagi, of learning how to create the Marauder's Map.

He looked down to the redhead at his side and wondered what school would have been like with her in their year. She'd probably despise him, he thought. She'd probably have ended up with Remus instead of James. Or with Snape…

He put his arm around her shoulders possessively, as if the greasy git were there threatening to take her. He wasn't, of course.

She waved at Madam Pince, who nodded back. If there were any cordial feelings on either side, Sirius could not detect it.

"So," Sirius began. "Does this have anything to do with your Unspeakable offer?"

"How did you know about that?"

"Prongs, of course. How else would I have known? So, did you take it?" he asked, trying not to sound too excited. He'd liked the idea of having an Unspeakable in his inner circle.

"I didn't," she said, frowning in disappointment

Sirius was disappointed too. "Why?"

"You want all the reasons?"

"The main one."

She shrugged. "Dumbledore. He said I shouldn't."

Sirius let out a gust of disapproval. "Ha. And because Dumbledore said you threw it all away?"

"No, but that would be getting into all the other reasons. They are holding onto my information and I'll apply again in a year or two. Or when the war's over." Her head fell, but he saw a small smile at the corner of her mouth. "Funny," she said. "I never could imagine the before. Never thought about what I'd be doing when I was forty."

"I have," said Sirius.

Lily looked up at him. "And where do you picture yourself in another two decades, Mr Black?"

"Oh, no, not me. I meant I'd imagined _you_ at forty."

Her brow wrinkled. "Odd."

"Remember that time in Knockturn Alley? You took that aging potion."

Her laugh tinkled. "That's right. You said you had a thing for older women."

Disconcerted that not only had he admitted that fact, but that she remembered it, Sirius changed the subject. It wouldn't do for Lily to start questioning the whys. Sirius didn't want to look too closely either.

"So. Occlumency," he said, and set off to look for texts.

They spent half an hour of semi-fruitful searching. "I've never really known the difference between 'historic' and 'historical'," said Sirius flipping through a book. "What's more…" He squinted at the smaller print of the title page. "I don't think Cuthbert Prendergast knows either." He shut the book and put it back on the shelf.

"Historic means well-known. Important. Historical just means it has to do with history," Lily answered, still skimming titles. Her fingers traced in the air but didn't actually touch the spines. "So, it would be a study of historic events of the thirteenth century, but a translation of historical documents."

"Interesting. Well, I suppose I've got enough reading material to be getting on with. I should be on my way."

"Wait, before you go I wanted to ask you something."

Sirius was curious, but also uncomfortable at what the 'something' might be. Her questions tended to be unnervingly penetrating.

"What is it?"

"I wasn't going to bring it up, because I know you won't like it."

"Then don't," he said, feeling defensive already.

She went on anyway. "Do you tell her?"

"Who? Tell her what?" he asked, confusion momentarily making him forget that he wasn't going to answer anyway.

Lily looked around and dropped her voice to a whisper. "_Narcissa_," she said, pronouncing it in such a way that made Sirius want to shudder. "Do you tell her those things you won't tell me? Do you go to her when we—"

"I didn't know she'd even be there," he said defensively. "

"Well, even so. Do you go to her when we become too much for you? I mean, I understand she is your family. I suppose she can relate better than I can about most things."

It was then that Sirius realised how nervous she was. He hadn't noticed before because he'd been too nervous himself but he could see it now. Her breathing was uneven and she was wringing her hands.

_She is comparing herself to Narcissa, and afraid she's found wanting._

It struck Sirius as bizarre, unnecessary, but somehow flattering that Lily worried that he might like her less than Narcissa. He was touched, really.

Feeling suddenly relaxed, he reached up pulled on a lock of her red hair. Not hard, just enough to make her head tilt a bit. "When you get to be too much for me I'll let you know."

She looked up at him and he let go her hair. She didn't say anything but Sirius could see a question there, worrying her brow. He wanted to soothe it away and found himself leaning in.

He stopped himself with a jolt and took a step back.

"I told her I'm never going to see her again," he said, breaking the silence and diverting his mind away from where it had been heading. Saying it out loud made it more real. Now he was accountable for keeping to it. _He would never meet Narcissa again._ He hadn't had much time to think about it before, what with getting arrested and all. Now that he _was_ thinking about it he didn't like the feeling at all. Nor could he stand Lily's green eyes studying him. He felt pushed and pulled between these two women he could never have and at that moment had half a mind to go plant himself on some frowning rock on the Tierra del Fuego, far away from both of them.

.

Sirius spent the rest of the morning and afternoon reading, grateful for the distraction. He found that practicing occlumency took up so much of his mental efforts that he couldn't spare thoughts for anything else.

He was still thinking about Occlumency when he arrived at the soiree wearing a particularly striking cravat of striped navy and lavender.

Sirius stood on the periphery of a group having a discussion about the current Magical Law Enforcement, how the aurory wasn't worth they gold they were paid.

"I say, you're matey with that auror Potter," said Euphemius, singling Sirius out.

"Thick as thieves. His mother was a Black," Sirius explained. The others' conversation continued as the two men stepped away from the rest. "And we were at school together. He's pure, too."

"You'd never know by the way he behaves," Euphemius huffed disapprovingly. "I should think it would be bothersome for you, having a muddy Auror around."

Sirius shrugged. "Indeed not. Quite the reverse, in fact. It pays to know an auror who will turn a blind eye," he added with a growling laugh.

"Quite, quite. Magical Law Enforcement is usually fairly good, but all those wands under Moody… Well. All a bit queer if you ask me. No telling whose side they're on. Take those Longbottoms and Potter. Purebloods with no sense of loyalty for their own kind. You heard that Longbottom tried to make a case against Malfoy earlier this year? I tell you, there's no telling with them. No telling."

"Now, Longbottom and I have never got on," Sirius admitted, shaking his head. "He was always too priggish for me."

"And Potter isn't?"

"James has a keen sense of duty, but never anywhere near as straight-laced as Longbottom. James was never one to turn down a spot of mischief for the sake of fun."

"Speaking of fun, you still keeping that schoolgirl mudblood?"

"I am," confirmed Sirius boldly. "And you can go on and on about their inferiority, but mine is the cleverest witch to be met with, mudblood or not."

"Is she really full muggle though? Not just born on the wrong side of the blanket and tucked away into a muggle family?"

Sirius shook his head.

"Well, these freakish anomalies do occur, you know. But still… one doesn't choose a mistress based on _cleverness_." And he chortled at his own insinuation. Then he elbowed Sirius conspiratorially. "How old is she anyway? Is she…?" He traced the shape of an hourglass in the air with his hands, sliding down the curves of an invisible woman unrealistically _embonpoint_.

Sirius hid his disgust by taking another sip from his drink. The ice cubes bounced against his upper lip as he tipped the glass all the way back. He wasn't about to describe Lily's physical attributes so this old cretin could vicariously enjoy her.

When he lowered the glass, he daintily wiped his mouth with a lavender coloured handkerchief, scented to match. "She makes me laugh," he said. "Which is more I can say for you, you old bore."

Euphemius went on as if he hadn't heard. "I suppose it wouldn't be as troublesome if they couldn't breed. That's why I had to get rid of Davina, you see. Fool witch got pregnant. Naturally I couldn't let her have a mixed child."

"What did you do?"

"Oh, I convinced her in the end. She didn't actually _want_ it, you see, she only planned to use the child as leverage against me. Ungrateful wench. I would have kept her had she just agreed to be sterilised, but she wouldn't hear of it."

"Sterilised?" repeated Sirius with distant interest, masterfully hiding his horror.

"Yes. We ought to sterilise all of them, all those muggles who insisted on staying in _our _world should at least be made so that they can't have any mudblood spawn. Keep their numbers down that way. I've already spoken to several people about it. They all agree it's a capital idea. A much more civilised way to deal with the muggle problem than this messy war. You ought to sterilise your schoolgirl now. She might get pregnant before we get the sterilisation requirement through the wizengamot. Even if _you_ are careful, the next wizard might not be."

_I'd sooner sterilise my_self, Sirius thought. Merlin knew there needn't be any more Blacks in the world.

"You mean it's already in motion?" Sirius asked.

"What? Oh, no. Not yet. Nothing on paper so far, but I'm circulating the idea, and everyone agrees up till now."

Sirius knew with dreadful certainty that if the Order didn't win in the next two years, this too, would be law.

"Until you can make it mandatory, I can't see any of them freely letting themselves being neutered," Sirius said. "Surely this presents a problem to your plans. And I've never even heard of this procedure before. Is it new? A potion of some kind?"

"Of course they won't _willingly_ submit. But I know a healer who does this sort of thing. It's a simple spell. Take your schoolgirl to see him as if it's an ordinary visit and he'll do the procedure without the witch even knowing. None the wiser. He's done it dozens of times now. Spell looks like just another diagnostic and the witch or wizard doesn't feel a thing."

"How much does he charge?" asked Sirius, because he could not think of anything else to say. "Illegal operation like that, he's putting his career as a healer in jeopardy, he must demand quite a bit."

"Think of it as an investment in our future," said Euphemius grandly. "Slowly but surely weeding them out."

Sirius didn't point out the stupidity of that last statement. _You can't pluck them out one by one like weeds and think they'll be gone for good_, Sirius thought. That was the truly amazing thing about it. If every witch and wizard were to drop dead, magic would continue on because there would always be new muggleborns.

"An investment," Sirius echoed, tapping his thumb against his lip, thoughtfully. Then, as Sirius studied the man in front of him, a plan took shape, black, sick and pulsing in his mind like a fast-spreading disease with a vengeful will of its own.

"And how can I find this healer?..." Sirius asked.

* * *

_**Author's Note: **_

_Happy Halloween!_

_And what's even more exciting is that I'm working on a book! (Well, it's exciting for me, at any rate.) It probably won't surprise you that it's a WWII novel—French resistance secretly fighting against the Nazis. There will be sabotage, subterfuge, and a bookworm. I plan on making it my project for this NaNoWriMo. Not only that, but I've decided that I actually want to be a writer. For a living. Unreliable and unrealistic, I know. But that's the dream and I mean to pursue it. Trouble is it's not a job that pays by the hour, which means I'll be scraping by for the foreseeable future. (Though I truly am looking forward to being a penniless writer.) I _hope_ to have it finished by the end of the year in e-format (so if you don't have an e-reader, get an app for your computer!) In any case, I'll let you know how it progresses, and don't worry, this doesn't mean I'll be stopping EOM. (I need this fic to subtly get out all my political and ethical rants, jumbled and confused though they are.) What's more, I owe it to all of you to finish it. You were my first readers of my first story (this gargantuan, never-ending story) and are the real reason I made the decision to be a writer. I'm still deathly afraid that what I write is rubbish, or that I'm only good for fanfiction, and the 'real' literary world will laugh at me, but I've still got to try. (And if a few of you betas out there would be willing to read it over, I'd be ever so grateful.)_

_So I just wanted to say to you all now, even if I don't make it, if I give up or chicken out, _**thank you**_ for making me think that it was at least possible._

_Oh yeah. Review please. :)_


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